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Money Ch. 01

By: BOSTONFICTIONWRITER



Dough, cash, bucks, scratch, dollars, pesos, script, moolah, marigolds, macaroni, bacon, bread, greenbacks, coin, smackers, C-notes, yards, Benjamins, sawbuck, double sawbuck, fin, cabbage, clams, bill, wad, whatever you call it, and by now you know it, I'm writing about money. We all want it but so few of us have it.

Money is the most common, yet elusive dream we have. We all dream about having more money, spending more money, saving more money, and winning money. I dare say, especially with the older crowd, those over 35-years-old and especially those of you who are working on your second marriages, that love is second to money on our wish list with sex a distant third.

You don't believe me? Go take your own unofficial poll and unless you are polling a bunch of romantics or a bunch of sexual perverts, money will win every time. Whoever said you can't buy love with money is wrong. Money will buy plenty of love just ask Donald Trump, Hugh Hefner, Jerry Seinfeld, and Michael Douglas. Moreover, we all know you can buy sex with money, just ask any prostitute or call girl.

Yeah, sure, we all want love and who of us doesn't want sex, especially the lurkers who read stories on this site (lol). We all want sex, good sex, the more sex the better, so long as it is in a rewarding relationship with intimacy and love. Okay, just plenty hot sex is good, too, and you don't even have to know her name (lol).

Yet, without money, you can't romance that sweet, young thing that has caught your eye. Without money, you can't take her out to the movies or to dinner. Without money, you can't buy her that big diamond engagement ring and put a down payment on that dream house that she loves.

Without having money in your pocket and money in the bank, in our society of unabashed green greed, political power, and influential influence all encouraged by how much money you are willing to contribute to campaigns, you are nothing and no one. Without money, you are one of the millions of the invisible and silent middle class who are too busy watching television and stuffing themselves fat with food than being involved in the process of trying to change the unfairness of our caste system. 

Only, I can't write a review/essay about money without paying homage to those who have made this country what it is today with their unprecedented greed...hated the world over. Had John D. Rockefeller of Standard Oil lived today, he'd be worth an estimated 200 billion dollars. Sure, he'd be really old and creepy looking, but I'm sure another Anna Nicole Smith look-a-like would find him and his money irresistible.

If Andrew Carnegie of Pittsburg Steel was still hanging around today, he'd be worth an estimated 110 billion dollars. If Cornelius Vanderbilt of steamships and railroads still lived, he'd be worth 100 billion in today's dollars. John Jacob Astor made his fortune in the fur trade and if he lived today, he'd be worth 85 billion dollars. 

Then, there's our more modern day billionaires, Bill Gates III of Microsoft is worth an estimated 60 billion dollars. They say, by the time Mr. Gates reaches the age of 65, he may be the world's first trillionaire. Now, that's a lot of Windows, Word for Windows, and Excel spreadsheet software. I wish I had the opportunity to plunk down a thousand dollars, as my personal investment when he started his company. With the spiraling upward market valuation, all the stock splits, and dividends reinvested, it'd be worth a million dollars today.

Next on the list is Larry Ellison of Oracle worth an estimated 55 billion dollars. Warren Buffet of Berkshire Hathaway is worth an estimated 50 to 60 billion dollars. Paul Allen co-founder of Microsoft is worth an estimated 30 billion dollars. Had Sam Walton of Wal-Mart survived and was still around today, his fortune intact and not divided between his heirs, his wealth today would be close to 100 billion dollars. 

I report their wealth as estimations because the paper value fluctuates so much with the market condition. One day it's up and the next day it's down. Warren Buffet and Bill Gates continue to change places depending upon what is happening in the world market place, and had Mr. Buffet not donated 40 billion to Bill and Melinda's foundation that is dedicated to improving world health and educating children, he'd be worth closer to 100 billion dollars today. Their gains and losses are all paper gains and losses, anyway, which is why it is so difficult to estimate their wealth. 

These people, all white Caucasian men by the way, are what free enterprise is all about. Unless you are a woman or a minority, go ahead, stand tall, puff out your chest and take a big breath of polluted air while digging deep in your pocket for an extra fifty dollars to fill your tank with gas this week.

"Easy there, if the breathing doesn't kill you that coughing, gagging, and hacking will."

Only, as an American, I don't feel especially free or enterprising. I don't especially feel invested in the financial security of this country. I feel disenfranchised and not part of the success that includes so few and rejects so many.

Matter of fact, now that I think about it, when it comes to money, I'm worse off now than I was ten years ago, twenty years ago, even. If I feel anything, I feel used, abused, and beaten down. God bless America, but the rich get richer in this country and the disparity between the top wealthy one percent and the rest of us has broadened the gap since you know who took office.

No longer will one paycheck per household carry a family. It is imperative that both spouses work full-time. No longer can everyone afford a house. What is guaranteed is that all of us will be in serious debt. If student loans don't sink us, then credit card debt will. Now, the new one that is pushing families into bankruptcy is adjustable rate mortgages. Who was the greedy genius that came up with that idea? It certainly wasn't for the benefit of the average consumer.

Let's face it. Our country is not about freedom of choice or democracy, it's about money and either you got it or you don't go it. Chances are you are like the rest of us. You don't got it. If you did, you wouldn't be sitting here reading this review/essay, you'd be in the Caribbean getting tanned, getting drunk, and getting laid. 

To be continued...

Money Ch. 02



To relax and get away from my job and the stresses of not having enough money to pay my bills, I'll watch a movie. I have that Blockbuster home delivery and for twenty bucks a month, I receive an unlimited amount of movies to watch. Only, to make matters worse, to rub my face in what I don't have and wish I had, there have been lots of movies lately about money.

"Greed is good. What's worth doing is worth doing for money," said Michael Douglas, as Gordon Gekko, in the movie Wall Street. Other than Fort Knox or at the Bush Ranch or at Oprah's Harpo Studios, where better to make a movie about money than on Wall Street?

"The richest one percent of this country owns half our country's wealth, five trillion dollars. One third of that comes from hard work, two thirds comes from inheritance, interest on interest accumulating to widows and idiot sons and what I do, stock and real estate speculation. It's bullshit. You got ninety percent of the American public out there with little or no net worth." said Gordon Gekko.

Now, the movie Wall Street was made in 1987, more than twenty years ago. Unfortunately, instead of getting better, the gap between the rich and the middle class has widened and worsened. The United States is quickly becoming another third world country. The world has more sick, more hungry, and more homeless people than it has ever had before.

I remember after I watched Wall Street, I was depressed when Michael Douglas, as Gordon Gekko, said that about ninety percent of the American public with little or no net worth. It's true and I'm one of them, I thought, as I sat in the movie theatre stunned by my dismal future. Twenty years later, my financial lot in life has not only improved, with the high prices for gasoline for my car, fuel for my home, and food prices at the supermarket rising every time I buy food, things have gotten worse. Moreover, I know when I retire and am on a fixed income, my lot in life will be far worse then than it is now. 

I'll be like all the rest of those senior citizens who now must choose between buying their medication, heating their homes or eating. God bless America. What a country of unprecedented greed. We should change our motto from E Pluribus Unum (Out of many, one) and In God We Trust to The Rich Get Richer and In Greed We Trust. 

I had to leave my beloved Boston and drive more than 100 miles west to afford to buy a home. The average price for a home in Boston is nearly as bad as the price of a home in New York or California. This is nuts. When will it end? When will the middle class receive relief? How can this continue? What's next?

Nonetheless, movies are usually my escape from all the bullshit in the world that hits me in the face like a bucket of cold water as soon as I sit in my easy chair and turn on the news. Yet, although, even the movies about money are usually entertaining, with some funny. Nonetheless, their messages are clear. Without money you are nobody and the movie Trading Places is an example of that dismal thought.

Who could forget Trading Places with Dan Aykroyd playing Louis Winthorpe, III and Eddie Murphy playing Billy Ray Valentine? That was a very funny movie. Okay, Jamie Lee Curtis, too, showing her fabulous tits was good to see, she did have an amazing rack, but the whole theme of that movie was about money.

"Mother always said you were greedy," said Randolph Duke.

"She meant it as a compliment," said Mortimer Duke.

That movie gave me insight to what those who are successfully wealthy think of the rest of us who aren't. They don't like us very much. They think that we are chumps and suckers while they are slick and successful. We drink beer while they sip champagne. 

What about The Sting with Robert Redford, Paul Newman, and Robert Shaw? That was another movie all about the love of money. That was one of the few movies that I watched that I didn't guess the ending and I commend them for that and for entertaining me like that back in 1973. Nonetheless, even though the message was clear, especially back then in the 1930's, the period of this movie, when times were still very tough after the crash of the stock market in 1929, the writer and director painted a depressing and desperate time that hasn't change with the prosperity of seventy years. If anything, it's gotten worse. 

Then, there was Boiler Room with Bed Affleck. That was a disturbing movie about money. Oceans Eleven with the original Rat Pack, Frank Sinatra, Joey Bishop, Peter Lawford, and Dean Martin. Honorably mentioned, of course, are the new Oceans Eleven, Twelve, and Thirteen with Brad Pitt, and George Clooney. The new Oceans Eleven was good but the sequels sucked.

Glengarry Glen Ross with Al Pacino playing Ricky Roma and Jack Lemmon playing Shelley Levene took Death of a Salesmen to modern day levels. Then, there was American Psycho with Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman corrupted by the selfish evils of society is an excellent movies on the subject of greed and money, as well as were It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World with Buddy Hackett and Mickey Rooney and The Treasure of the Sierra Madres with Humphey Bogart. If you haven't watched any of these movies or if you haven't watched them in a while, I recommend them all to you.

Back then, in 1948 when the The Treasure of the Sierra Madres was made, the censor made sure that the main character didn't profit. He died. Our movies of today not only show the bad guy profiting, winning, and getting away with big fortunes but also it sends the message that money is what it is all about. Our standards have changed with the times, unfortunately, not for the better and now without censorship to buffer reality, explains why so many of us require Prozac to get through the day.

Lastly, rounding out the money movies is Martin Scorsese's masterpiece Casino with Robert De Niro, Sharon Stone, and Joe Pesci. Now, Casino was a great movie that was underrated by the critics. Sharon Stone did a fabulous job of acting and DeNiro and Pesci played their greedy parts to Oscar levels. Casino is one of my favorite movies of all time. I love Sharon Stone, only watching casino made me realize that I could never have someone in my life that looked like her, unless I had lots of money, which is what this review/essay is all about, money.

Yet, a movie doesn't have to have a theme of money to make money and those movies that have grossed the most are movies not about reality but more about fantasy. Do you know what the number one top grossing movie was of all time? I'll give you a hint. It was a love story with a ship, albeit a sinking ship and an iceberg. 

The Titanic earned 1.8 billion dollars. It's mind boggling. No other movie comes close to earning those revenues. The only two other billion dollar earners were The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King at 1.1 billion in second place and in third place was Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest a bit over a billion dollars. In fourth place was Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone with nearly one billion dollars and in fifth place was Pirates of the Caribbean: At the World's End with nearly one billion dollars, as well.

There's a lot of money in movies.

To be continued...



Money Ch. 03



Are you ready to be rich? Are you serious about making money? Stop dreaming and start making money.

How would you like to make one hundred thousand dollars a month? Come here and get closer to the television set because I don't want everyone to hear. I have the secret millionaire formula. 

Formula? Ha! Don't fret there's no numbers and no math involved to make you more money than you ever dreamed of making. Just call and you'll be living on Easy Street just like me. 

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If you can't keep a job because all your bosses are stupid and they really expect you to come in every day and actually work, then you are who we are looking for. We are here to help you through the process of starting your own successful business. We have a way for you to show off your special talents in laziness while not working at all. Hell, you don't even have to show up to make a pile of money.

Just call. Our operators are waiting to make you a business owner. Have your credit or debit card ready.

Get rich from the comfort of your home. Get rich online. Retire early. No investment required. Double your money back guaranteed. You have nothing to lose but your bills, your worry, and your headaches.

Make big bucks with a web site. Retire in twelve months. The Secret made us rich. Let me tell you how I paid off my credit cards. Let me give you my secret as to how I paid off my mortgage.

It's all yours for free with no obligation. Trust me. Just call. Call now. Have your credit or debit card ready.

There's life after bankruptcy. Bad credit, slow credit, no credit, I can help you get what you want. I can help you get what you need.

No one is refused. Yeah, sure the loan shark interest rates we charge you will guarantee that you pay as much for that used Ford Focus as your doctor paid for his new Mercedes AMG C500, but what the Hell, it's just money and you now have a car. Congratulations. Sign here.

Do you need a phone? What if you child is sick and you don't have a phone to call the doctor. What if someone breaks into your home and tries to steal the stuff that no one would really want to steal, anyway, and you don't have a telephone to call 911? It doesn't matter that the police wouldn't respond anyway because they don't go into your neighborhood.

You need a phone. You need this phone. So, go downstairs to the payphone on the corner, during the safety of the daylight hours, and call. Our operators are waiting to help you. Call now.

Don't let your loved ones go unprotected, buy life insurance now. It doesn't matter if you are nine-years-old or ninety-years-old. It doesn't matter if you are healthy or the priest just left your bedside after giving you the Last Rights.

Sign here. We'll take care of the rest. Just give us your bank routing number and your checking account number.

Government auctioned vehicles are yours at thousands below wholesale prices. These automobiles were confiscated by the local police enforcement, FBI, DEA, and ATF from alleged drug dealers and alleged criminals charged with other more serious crimes. All these stolen and abandoned vehicles are in pristine condition and were carefully driven during their subsequent police chase and stand off shootout. With the rust and busted out windows, you can't even discern the bullet holes anymore.

Buy a rat and cockroach infested house that was stripped clean by the previous owners at foreclosure for only one thousand dollars. Just agree to take over the mortgage that is much more than the house is currently valued at in the marketplace. Don't worry, the utility company is building a nuclear reactor next door and you may get a high paying job there and within walking distance of your home. Ah, life is good. Sign on the dotted line.

Buy land for one dollar an acre. Yes, this whole area was once a swamp and still is a bit swampy, but rumor has it that Disney is looking to expand Disney World. No, it doesn't matter that this land is nowhere near Disney World, but trust me. Have I ever lied to you before?

Just sign here and set up your lawn chair while wearing your Mickey Mouse hat. The tourists will be here soon. Don't worry. Smile. Be happy. By the way, do you need a bridge? I have one for sale.

Take advantage of timeshare properties that others have lost due to bankruptcy and foreclosure. Isn't the view beautiful? And look at all the amenities of this property. Everything is brand new and newly constructed after the, uhm, never mind. You are right on the ocean with nothing to protect you, I mean, to block your view of the sunrises and sunsets.

There's no truth to the rumor that the hurricane that hit here last year killed many of the timeshare residents, which is why we had to foreclose on their properties. Just think of it as their loss is your gain. 

Just sign here. Congratulations. I got to go. I heard there's a storm coming.

It's all free. There's no cost to you. No obligation. No one will call. Sign here. Just give us your routing number and bank account number and we'll do the rest. Just give us your credit card number and expiration date and we'll take care of everything.

We have factory closeouts for sale below cost. Free shipping and handling, there's never a charge to deliver this junk to your door. Easy credit, just call us and we'll give you the answer in sixty seconds or less. Make me an offer. No offer refused. I want your business. We will not be undersold.

Say yes to Jesus. Bring God into your life by making a generous donation. The more you give the more you will receive in God's eternal blessing. 

When Reverend Hector prayed for a new Cadillac, he donated $1,000 and lo and behold, he was driving a shiny red Cadillac by the end of the year. Blessed it be to God and to those who believe. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! 

The call is free. Operators are waiting to help you become more spiritual albeit poorer. Call now. Make that call. Make that pledge. We take Master Card, Visa, Discover Card, American Express, and Debit Cards. 

This is an opportunity of a lifetime. All expenses are paid. You just pay your airfare down and we'll take care of the rest. This is your opportunity for a three day and two night all expenses paid vacation in the sun and in the fun.

There's absolutely no sales pressure whatsoever. You don't have to buy anything. You just have to agree to sit and listen to our description of the properties for sale while sitting in a hot room for sixteen hours so that our salespeople can beat you down until you say yes and sign on the dotted line.

Whatever you want, just fill out this survey and it's yours free. We have no hidden agenda. We only want to know what you like and don't like. 

Just tell us which of the prizes you want, an X-Box, a new 32" digital HDTV, an iPOD, a digital camera with video. Pick a prize and it is yours for the taking. 

We make our money from the companies who pay us to find out your preferences. This is market research and for the three hours that it takes you to fill out this complicated survey before you finally give up in frustration, we will give you whichever prize that you want, so long as your name is drawn from the one million other fools who filled out this survey and received nothing, absolutely nothing, and now we have all this personal information about you. Thanks sucker.

There are thousands of home businesses that will make you rich. Get rich quick. Make you too much money to count. You can work from home. Anyone can do this. It's easy.

All you have to do is lift your head off the pillow, open one eye, and you're making money. Yes, it's that easy. All you need to do to get started making money is the make that call. 

Call today. Call now. Don't delay. Live operators are waiting to talk to you. Have your credit card ready.

Get rich quick empty promises, pyramids schemes, multi level marketing, Ponzi schemes, Mary Kay, Amway, Avon, Quixtar, Primerica, chain letters, network marketing, buying properties fixing them up and flipping them, even you, too can become a millionaire over night. That's right. Even you can be rich, too. 

All you need to get started is to buy my wealth building guide book and my collection of DVD's that will give you my secrets to my new, guaranteed money making scheme, I mean system that tells you how I made my millions and how you can, too. 

I drive this beautiful fly yellow Ferrari F430. I live in a palatial palace with six bedrooms and 6 baths. I own this 60 foot yacht. I have millions in the bank. Every one of these nearly naked beautiful, bikini clad women who surround me love me, they truly love me and they all give me hot sex every day and every night. Ah, life is good.

Are you worried about your lack of education? Are you concern that my program is too difficult to understand? Well, don't because I never finished high school and I have all of this. Go at your own speed and earn millions of dollars at your own pace.

If it sounds too good to be true...it is because he made his millions by selling his book and DVD's and not by using his guaranteed money making scheme, I mean system.

There are thousands of flimflam men, carpet baggers, fraudulent offers, confidence men, grifters, scams, rip-offs, rackets, shell games, deceptions, and deceptive practices that are all illegal and waiting to take advantage of you at a time when you are most vulnerable. The times when you are most vulnerable are those times that you are treading new ground.

You want to buy a car, your first car and are blinded by the shiny red Mazda or silver Toyota sitting on the dealer's lot or how about that Honda Accord? How much of your hard earn money, money that you haven't even earned yet, but will earn in the six years that it will take to pay off this car, do you pay for his car? The manufacturer's sticker reads one price, but what is a fair price to offer? It is a really nice car and you really, really want it.

It doesn't matter because the salesman already has you marked. You are in his sites. He is a professional car salesman who sells hundreds sometimes thousands of cars a year while you buy one car every eight years. What chance do you have against him? None. So just sign the agreement to purchase and give him all your money.

"How much can you afford to pay?" He asks you with a smile that makes you believe that he is your friend, your buddy, and your pal? "Want some coffee? Let me get you a cup. That's right relax and put your dirty sneakers up on my desk. It's okay."

Do not answer his question. How much can you afford to pay? It's none of his business. Ask him a question. How much are you willing to take for this pile of shiny shit that will depreciate as soon as I drive it out the door and will fail me as soon as my lousy three year warranty that barely covers anything anyway ends? Huh? Ask him that question? Let's hear what he has to say to that. 

Before you walk in, do your homework. Research prices and spend some time going over numbers to discover how much you can actually afford to pay monthly without breaking your budget. Now, make him an offer and when he refuses, get up, leave, walk away, get out. He'll stop you before you go out the door. There are lots of car dealers selling lots of cars that they can't sell, especially in this economy. It's a buyers market. So, why pay more?

The vultures know when you are at your weakest point. They pray on your misery. They are professional salespeople who can read you like a book. Did you have a death in the family? Well, stay home while someone else makes the funeral arrangements, someone who was not as close to the deceased as were you and someone who can act on your behalf while thinking with a clear mind.

Mama would not have wanted that ten thousand dollar silver and gold trimmed bronze casket. Mama is dead. Save your money. Don't go in debt because you feel bad about your loss or feel guilty that you didn't say or do the things that you should have said and/or done when she was alive and now that she is dead you want to show her that you loved her by burying her in this ten thousand dollar box. All that you are doing is giving money that you can ill afford to your local funeral home owner so that he can buy another shiny black Cadillac to attract more suckers like you to his funeral home.

Did you just get married? Congratulations. So...what are you going to do with all the money you received from the wedding? Buying a house? Good move. Only, take someone with you, a professional who not only knows the market, the area where you are looking to buy, but also about homes and home construction.

Did that bum of a husband leave you and your three small children for that blonde, bombshell bimbo Brenda, the one with the big tits, full lips, and spread opened legs? And you haven't stopped crying since he served you with divorce papers, as well as a restraining order? That bastard took everything, the house, the car, the money, and even the kids?

Well, before you do something foolish, something stupid, and something you'll regret, take the time to do your research. Buying a gun is not an easy proposition, you know, especially if you have never had one. 

Should you buy the small derringer and surprise them both at their favorite restaurant or should you buy that double barrel shotgun and blow both their heads off with one shot? Hmm, that's a tough decision. If it was me, I'd buy the .44 caliber handgun with hollow point ammunition and the nine shot clip. You don't want to overspend for a gun that just won't do the job in a pinch. 

Then, if you don't feel bad enough about not having money and being one of the have nots, there's Suzie Orman to rub it in your face. Suzie Orman is an arrogantly annoying woman who writes all those books telling people how to live, survive, and flourish financially? She acts much like a Jewish mother in her approach.

Instead of offering you the advice of her expertise, she scolds you. She makes you feel guilty. She makes you feel bad. She makes you depressed. She makes you feel like the loser that you are. I change my channel whenever I see her ugly puss on my television screen.

"Pay off your credit cards," she touts. "Pay yourself first," she advises.

Yeah, I'd pay all my credit cards off if I had the money and I'd certainly pay myself first, if I earned millions of dollars from writing books on telling people how to make money. I hate her.

To be continued...



Money Ch. 04



Even though venerable Pink Floyd made fun of the system and pointed their musically talented finger at the consciousness culprit being money, they made a lot of money when they wrote their song, Money. Back then, I can't recall anyone who didn't have Pink Floyd's album, The Dark Side of the Moon and who didn't listen to it with awe and reverence that played on their Technics turntable through Carver amp and preamp on their Ohm F or Dalquist DQ10 speakers. That my friend was put your earphones on, put your head back, and close your eyes type of music.

"Money, get away. Get a good job with pay and you're okay. Money, it's a gas. Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash. New car, caviar, four star daydream, think I'll buy me a football team. Money, get back. I'm all right, Jack. Keep your hands off my stack. Money, it's a hit. Don't give me that do goody good bullshit. I'm in the high-fidelity first class traveling set and I think I need a Lear Jet. Money, it's a crime. Share it fairly but don't take a slice of my pie. Money, so they say, is the root of all evil today. But if you ask for a raise it's no surprise that they're giving none away."

It was a few years after the 60's, revolt and revolution was in the air with the swell of baby boomers coming of age and in 1973 Pink Floyd, as did so many of us, saw the ridiculousness of money and played their parody of it to make, well, yeah, money.

It amazes me how much money singers can make when they finally cut a record and make it big. When I think of some of the people who have profited just by opening their mouths and singing a song, people who now are set for life and who never have to work a day, it is mind boggling. I'm jealous.

I used to know Ric Ocasek and Ben Orr of The Cars fairly well. I met them in the early seventies when I worked with their wives, Sue and Chris at Warner-Elecktra-Atlantic Records, WEA. Back then, we met so many celebrities, Queen, Rolling Stones, Aerosmith, Carly Simon, James Taylor, Bette Midler, and Rod Stewart to name but a few. Everyone had a band and it was difficult to recognize the ones who would make it and the ones who wouldn't.

Sue, Ric's wife asked me to listen to Ric and Ben play at a small and intimate coffeehouse in Cambridge, Massachusetts back in 1973. Back then, it was just Ric and Ben. They were looking for someone to play keyboard and since I had been playing the accordion for years, composing music, and writing lyrics, it was an easy transition to play keyboard and I was who they were thinking about to join their, as yet, unnamed group.

Back then, Ric drove a lavender '65 Chevy Impala and Ben drove an old 1960 army green Saab 96. Their wives who worked to financially and emotional support their husbands' musical endeavors, which they both subsequently divorced once they made it big, were both, drop dead gorgeous. Sue had long, medium brown hair and was tall, shapely, buxom, and beautiful. Chris was shorter and had short, blonde curly hair and was equally as beautiful as Sue. Butter would melt in both their mouths. Sue was from Massachusetts, but Chris was from Ohio. Both did well in the divorce settlements. 

I was interested in joining their band only, I was immediately turned off by the amount of drugs that they did in between sets. An exercise fanatic back then and having never taken drugs, I figured they'd never make anything of themselves. Duh! Boy was I so naïve. That was the dumbest decision I ever made. I would have been set for life. Who knew? I surely didn't.

There are a multitude of talented artists, people who I would cross the street should I see them out in public had they not earned their celebrity status singing songs and writing music. Many have died, but still to make my point, here is my incomplete list of those singers who found an easy answer to earning millions of dollars and doing everything they could to self-destruct their lives immediately thereafter: Michael Jackson, Diana Ross, Britney Spears, Mariah Carey, Willie Nelson, Glen Campbell, Frank Sinatra, Connie Francis, Judy Garland, Elvis Presley, Wayne Newton, Whitney Houston, Ricky Nelson, Prince, Rick James, Sinead O'Connor, James Brown, Axel Rose, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, and Jerry Lee Lewis.

I don't understand the phenomenon of singers earning huge fortunes when the rest of us, accountants, teachers, nurses, administrative assistants, secretaries, truck drivers, office workers, librarians, grocery clerks, convenience store attendants, auto mechanics, et al who make pennies in comparison to these singers who make millions of dollars. We the average person who can't carry a tune work so much harder to earn so much less. It just doesn't make any sense.

Doesn't it make you angry when you hear a celebrity complain how hard it was for them to wake up at 5am every day to have someone fix their hair and do their makeup in readiness for their photo shoot, movie, and/or concert tour? Give me a break. Then, they take the next nine months off living a luxurious lifestyle.

Many of these people don't know what it is to work for a living, which is why they self-destruct and which is why they turn to drugs and alcohol. They feel guilty that they were the chosen ones while the rest of us work in obscurity in a life without any financial rewards and/or security whatsoever. 

Not all singers are bad people. There have been lots of singers, fortunately, more singers who have practiced their art and bettered their craft, while making a good living and remaining true to themselves in the process than there are on my other list of self-destructive performers. Many have died, but here is my incomplete list of singers who others may want to emulate: Christina Aguilera, Celine Dion, Sarah Brightman, John Lennon, George Harrison, Paul McCarthy, Shania Twain, Luther Vandross, Aretha Franklin, Eric Clapton, Bob Marley, Kelly Clarkson, Josh Groban, Madonna, Freddie Mercury, Justin Timberlake, Gwen Stefani, Bob Dylan, Bono, Stevie Wonder, Jimmy Buffet, Bruce Springsteen, Tina Turner, Barbra Streisand, Pat Benatar, Jennifer Hudson, Dolly Parton, Elton John, Sheryl Crow, and Phil Collins. These singers, of course, I don't know all the intimate details of their background, but they have stayed clear of trouble.

Not surprisingly, love is the only subject where more songs have been written than songs about money, as love is equally as fleeting as money.

Who can forget those classic tunes, "We're in the Money" or Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend." Oh, yeah, wishing for money goes way back.

The Beatles sang those unforgettable songs, "Money, that's what I want and I don't care much for money, money can't buy me love."

"I've got the brains, you've got the looks. Let's make lots of money," sang the Pet Shop Boys.

Dire Straits sang their song, "Money for nothing playing guitar on MTV...Bangin on the bongos like a chimpanzee. That ain't workin. That's the way you do it. Get your money for nothing. Get your chicks for free."

George Harrison of the Beatles fame, sang his song, Got My Mind Set On You with his group the Traveling Willburies.

"And this time I know it's for real. The feeling that I feel. I know if I put my mind to it. I know that I really can do it. But, it's gonna take money. A whole lotta spending money. It's gonna take plenty of money. To do it right child."

Billy Joel asked, "Is that all you get for the money?" when he sang, Anthony's Song.

Spinal Tap was more blatant about it when they sang, "You know what I want. You know what I need. Give me some money."

Even the beloved Eagles had their finger on the pulse when they wrote Lyin Eyes and the lyrics, "City girls just seem to find out early how to open doors with just a smile. A rich, old man and she won't have to worry..."

On the other hand, Donna Summer defended women with her lyrics, "She works hard for the money. So hard for it, honey. She works hard for the money. So you better treat her right."

Janis Joplin said the words that reverberated in my head for decades whenever I fell to my knees in despair and in prayer with the thought of her song, Mercedes Benz. 

"Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz."

The singers of the group Abba could not speak or understand English, but they understood all they needed to know about money when they sang their song.

"Money, money, money, always sunny in the rich man's world."

Even the matriarch of country music, Dolly Parton sang the truth about money when she sang her song from the movie 9 to 5.

"It's a rich man's game, no matter what they call it."

Can you blame any of us for being overly preoccupied with money when we grew up hearing such lovely classic songs?

"Hush, little baby, don't say a word. Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird. And if that mockingbird won't sing, Papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring."

Carly Simon resurrected that song in the seventies. She was another poor, rich girl. Her father was co-founder of Simon and Schuster, Inc., the big publishing house. Her mother probably sang her to sleep with that song every night. Whereas, my Mom just told me to go to sleep of she'd beat me with the strap.

Maybe, that explains why I dream of hitting the lottery and winning a lot of money.

To be continued... 



Money Ch. 05



Turn on your television. What do you see?

Actors, news reporters, talk show hosts, game show hosts, celebrities, athletes? 

"Did you notice that look they all have?"

I'll give you a minute to take another gander at those people on your television screen. Go ahead take your time and look closer at them. Switch back and forth from Oprah to General Hospital to the ballgame to the judges and host of American Idol. They've all got the look and it's all the same.

"Did you see it?"

It's that assured confidence that one gets when they know that they don't have to worry about affording food, shelter, clothing, and/or anything else for that matter, other than how to have a good time, in their case, an understatement, hence, the look. Set for life, they have plenty of money and can afford people, an entourage, to take care of their every need. They all have the look, the look of money.

"Did you see Mariah Carey on American Idol the other night?"

She had the look. Okay, granted, I had a hard time looking higher than her inflatable boobs, but she's loaded with more dough than she is with Silicone. She's got the look in spades. She's a Diva.

"They all got it. They all got money."

Either you got it or you don't got it. Either you have it or you don't have it. From the time of early man, there have been the haves and the have nots. Unfortunately, it is such a small proportion of our population who has that kind of money, yet, to us, that is all that we see because there it is in front of us and on our televisions. We are blinded by the colored light of out analog and digital television sets by celebrities we emulate, but will never meet.

After a while, after watching television for years, and after tired of being a have not, we feel entitled. We feel cheated. We believe that we should live the life of those who flaunt their designer gowns, diamond rings, and expensive cars. After a while, living vicariously through those personalities who we see on television is a better option that the life we have at home. Finally, we accept our lot and life and take it for what it is, entertainment. 
 Unfortunately, none of us can have that look, that swagger, and that nonchalant, carefree attitude if you don't have money, a lot of money. Money, money, money, it's all about the money. Those of you who are strong, those of you who dance to your own imagined music, and those of you who don't mind having nothing don't need money, money, money. That's what it's all about, Honey, money.

"Yes, believe it or not, there are those people who have a higher calling."

Be it helping people, improving themselves and/or finding God, their thoughts are not wasted with wishing they had more money. They already have found their secret to happiness and joy. They don't need any more money than they have already to live their lives and revel in their purpose. They are the lucky ones. They are the minority. The rest of us want money and more money. We are the supporters of the saying that 'you can't be too rich.'

"Show me the money," said Cuba Gooding, Jr. playing Rod Tidwell to Tom Cruise who played Jerry Maguire. 

Speaking of show me the money, every Saturday and Sunday the Catholic Church's faithful routinely pass around the collection plates. When you think about it, how rude is that? I mean, there you are praying to your God and the long arm of a mortal man holding a basket on a pole is expecting your money for the privilege of praying to your God in God's house. 

The Catholic Church is the worst offender when it comes to asking for, hording, and grubbing for money. Dante Alighieri wrote about the greedy, money grubbing Popes burning in Hell for all of eternity when he wrote his Divine Comedy poem, Dante's Inferno with Virgil guiding Dante through the nine circles of Hell, with each saved for the gradual wickedness of those condemned to Hell. The Popes command the eighth circle of Hell, just about Satan who is condemned to the ninth circle. Dante's poem gives the readers his thoughts about the Catholic Church and after seven hundred years, nothing has change. God save us from these men.

I'm Catholic, but I'm not so blinded by the light of God that I don't see these mortal men for who they are. I'm ashamed by their double standard asking the poor to give but then living life as royalty.

The Catholic Church cries poverty and yet they have a city of gold, Vatican City. They ought to be ashamed taking pennies from those who can ill afford to give it when they feather their nests in the longest run scam in the world with their non-profit religion. If you go to Rome, you don't see priest studying the bible, you see Bishops and Cardinals analyzing the stock market and buying real estate.

You just have to take a walk about your neighborhood, especially those of you who live in the Northeast, to see that the Catholic Church owns some premium property and pays no taxes. Behind closed doors, locked gates, and manicured lawns they conduct their religion too much like the business that it is.

Harvard University is a school rich with endowments, but Harvard pales in comparison to the monies that reside in secret accounts in Switzerland under the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. Shame on them, shame on the Pope, and shame on his Cardinals and shame on his Bishops, they all ought to be ashamed. Money means more to them than religion, than God, and especially more than you.

What ever happened to the vow of poverty that the priests took? Every priest that I know drives a brand new Buick, lives in a beautiful rectory, has plenty of food and booze, and has a cook and a housekeeper to boot. Are you kidding me? I want to be poor like that, Hail Mary, glory to the Almighty, Amen, take me; I'm ready to give my life to God.

"By the way, what are we having for dinner tonight?"

"I've prepared roast lamb with a nice Burgundy wine, for you, Father."

"Marvelous."

The Bishops and the Cardinals live like Kings. No cost is spared for their lifestyles. It's a disgrace. Their furnishings are lavish and their furniture is custom made. They live luxuriously. I want their lifestyle. Besides, I look good in red. 

These holier than thou guys, Popes, Cardinals, Bishops, and Priests are no better than, gulp, public servants.

Now, to me, servants who help the public are those who don't expect anything in return. Right? Wrong! When I think of a servant, albeit a public servant, I think of someone who is subservient to me, someone who is solicitous of me, and someone who is lower than me in status. Oddly enough, I sound more like the definition of a public servant than does my public servant.

How can a politician, pardon me, a public service take office as an ordinary man, a lawyer, perhaps, making a good living, and finish his career in public service a very wealthy man? I don't get it. I thought these guys were more interested in serving the public than serving themselves to money. Am I naïve? 

To be continued... 



Money Ch. 06



"Do you remember the Hare Krishna?"

Those weirdos, I mean, religious zealots, sorry, I mean, those annoying people who shaved their heads, wore long robes with sandals, and followed you around the street, the subway, the park, and the airport begging you for money.

Now that I think about it, they always had the hottest women, albeit a bit spaced out and hippie like, but nonetheless, the women they recruited were all young, tall, thin, shapely, and pretty. Moreover, none of them wore bras and you could discern their nipples through the sheerness of their robes. I remember being engaged in a thoroughly enjoyable conversation over their religion while enjoying the view of their tits that they sheer robes provided.

"Hare Krishna."

Back then, I thought about joining their cult to get in some of the pants, I mean, robes of the women.

"Hare Krishna. Hare, Hare, Krishna, Krishna, Hare Krishna."

Some Hare Krishna even turned violent until you relented and gave them your bread, dough, money, cash. I have to give them credit, they were a relentlessly persistent and annoying bunch of zealots much like those homeless guys who wash your windshield whether you want them to or not and get violent until you relent and give them want they want, a few dollars.

Only, I didn't give the Hare Krishna my hard earned cash, I gave them my fist. Ripping off the robe, pushing the beggar down to the ground, and stripping this zealot naked, I literally beat the crap out of that Hare Krishna woman when she wouldn't stop asking me for money. There she was pinned under the weight of my body and on the ground naked... Okay, never mind, that's a story for another time.

I haven't seen them in some time, but do you know where they are now, I mean, where they live? I'll give you a hint. Manny Remirez, the star left fielder for the Boston Red Sox, and who earns twenty million dollars a year, has his ten million dollar condo on the corner of this street. Give up?

The Hare Krishna have their headquarters, corporate office, church, temple, whatever you want to call it in a four story brownstone on the first block of Commonwealth Avenue in Boston. For those who don't know what the first block of Commonwealth Avenue is, allow me to elucidate to you what the first block of Commonwealth Avenue in Boston is.

It is the most expensive parcel of real estate in Boston, even more expensive then Louisburg Square where Congressman Kerry lives with his heiress wife of the Heinz Corporation. Kerry lives next door to Tom Stemberg who once owned Staples Office Products after buying it from none other than the presidential hopefully, the ex-governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney. Their ten plus million dollar properties pale in comparison to those on the first block of Commonwealth Avenue.

I figure the Hare Krishna house, headquarters, corporate office, church, temple, whatever you want to call it is worth about fifteen million dollars. That's a lot of scratch earned from begging for spare change. "Hare Krishna, Krishna, Krishna, Hare, Hare."

Henry David Thoreau needed very little money to build his cabin by in the woods by Walden Pond in Massachusetts and survived living off the land while writing his verses and contemplating his perfect transcendentalist society. Even though I admire what he did, anyone living in the woods today for that long of a period is weird. Can you imagine walking through the woods with your children and a Wildman emerges from a cabin?

"Come along, kids. Don't stare. Don't dawdle. Just run."

Nonetheless, Henry David Thoreau didn't need any money. In a word, albeit a hyphenated one, he was self-sufficient. 

Theodore Kaczynski, the Unabomber didn't need money to live in his one room shack in the back woods of Montana either. (See, remember I told you, anyone living in the woods today for that long of a period is weird. You just have to think of Rubeus Hagrid from Harry Potter fame to understand my point.) He constructed his bombs and mailed them while writing his manifesto and murdering 23 innocent people. He was another person who didn't need any money. 

Charles Manson of Helter Skelter fame wasn't after money when he murdered Sharon Tate, her unborn baby, and others in the Tate-LaBianca murders. He was too crazy to need any money. 

Even when they invaded that home and raped that woman, the wild, fictional boys from Stanley Kubrick's Clockwork Orange weren't looking for money, as much as they were looking for bedlam and outrageousness. They were all crazy. 

When those Middle Eastern terrorists flew our planes into our Twin Towers, they didn't do it for the money, it wasn't about the money with them. They didn't need money. They were crazy.

Crazy people are the only people who don't worry about not having any money. If you are sitting there worrying about money while reading this, it must be gratifying to know that you are sane, albeit poor. Congratulations, you past my little sanity test. Hey, at least you aren't crazy.

"Notwithstanding, do you see my point?"

Unless you are one of these crazy people, you don't need any damn money. The rest of us are spellbound, preoccupied, working two jobs and still not getting by, never having enough, getting further in credit card debt, and always needing and wanting more money.

The rest of us are bone tired, depressed, and slowly killing ourselves because we don't have the time to take proper care of ourselves with diet and exercise.

Maybe, instead of working all day, we should beg on the street. Who knows, one day, we could live on Commonwealth Avenue, too.

"Give me money! That's what I want. Money. I want money."

To be continued...



Money Ch. 07



"Don't you get tired of watching people with money?"

"That's what we all do."

That's all we do, you know, we sit in our living rooms, bitch about not having any money, while watching people with money. Yet, because we sit there hour and after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year watching rich people on our televisions, with our loyal ratings we earn them, yep, you guessed it, more money.

"Why do we do what we do?"

It's time to get up off our fat asses and revolt. We, as viewers, want our share of revenues not for watching your syndicated, all too brief of a season television programs, but for watching your too many damn commercials over and again. That's what television is all about, anyway, commercials. It's not there to entertain us. It's about commercial broadcasts. It's there to sell us stuff and to make money for the networks doing that by using the programs as filler for commercials. 

Do you think those people who we watch all day on television watch other people with money on television? Nah, they don't have the time to do that, to watch television all day. They're too busy interacting with people who have money and are too busy having a good time spending their money while we dopes are glued to the television not making any money and watching them making money.

"Weird, huh? But, think about it. It's true. We are no better than a herd of cows."

Turn off your televisions. Turn off your computers. Go outside and let's make some money.

"Only, can I borrow a few dollars to tie me over until payday?"

Oprah Winfrey leads the money list, yet, again, earning two hundred and sixty million dollars last year. Boy that's a mouthful to say fast three times because she's earned that amount of money, for more than three consecutive years. Let us all take a moment to understand and reflect on how much two hundred and sixty million dollars really is. 

"That's a lot of dough, huh, two hundred and sixty million dollars every friggin' year?"

I bet you could do a lot of damage with that kind of money. Just think of all the things you could do, all the people who you could help, all the clothes, cars, and homes you could buy, and trips you could take. You could get your breasts implanted, both of them, your face lifted, your teeth fixed, all of them, your hair coifed to perfection, and even have plenty of dough left over for a psychiatrist and rehab when you finally fall of the wagon. And you'd still have more than two hundred and fifty million dollars left and more to come next year.

You can't spend that amount of money in a lifetime, in ten lifetimes. I dare you. I double dare you to find a way to spend that kind of money, yeah, even after buying a baseball or football team. If you did that, buy a sports team, then even more money would come rolling in to make you richer than you were before.

Boy that would finally shut your wife or girlfriend up about getting a job when you had that kind of money under your mattress. Yeah, well, Oprah makes that kind of money every year and has made that kind of money for the past dozen years.

"I love you, Oprah? Buy me a new car, please."

Jerry Bruckheimer of CSI, Cold Case, and Without A Trace fame was a distant second earning a difficult to squeak by on one hundred and twenty million dollars. My girlfriend loves those shows. When she's not watching HGTV design, design on a dime, gay design, nude design, and gay, nude design television shows, House Hunter, How Much is Your House Worth, Debbie Travis, et al, and then she's watching reruns of CSI, Cold Case, and Without A Trace.

I hate Bruckheimer's shows. Give me shows with sex to violence every time. I'll take nudity to blood any day. Instead of shoot 'em up and blow 'em up, I'd rather watch naked people, especially naked women...dancing, around a pole...and sitting on my lap...and doing me. Yeah. 

Every time I watch CSI those forensic scientists are walking around with their little flashlights while in someone's home, I yell at the TV. "Put a light on. Hello? The light switch is right there?"

Now, if Marge Helgenberger was naked, then I'd be watching more of CSI. She's a good looking broad in a crooked sort of way.

Why must it be so dark? Is that to give it an ominous effect? Is that to scare you and to keep you on the edge of your seat? Well, it just gives me eye strain.

Those shows strain my eyes so much that when I finally see a semi-naked woman on television, I miss seeing the up skirt of down blouse because they show it too fast to see it and my eyes are still strained from watching CSI. Damn you Bruckheimer.

Stephen Spielberg raked in his one hundred and ten million dollars that he earns every year from his movie residuals. The guy hasn't made a movie in a while; he doesn't have to, he just sits at home eating popcorn with his MILF of a wife Kate Capshaw while watching reruns of Jaws, ET, and Jurassic Park.

Boy, I'd watch Kate Capshaw if she ever decided to make a guest appearance on Gay, Naked Design. She's got a hot body. She's got a rack. She's got a rich husband and would want nothing to do with me.

Do you like golf? Do you play? What's your handicap? Hey, be honest about your golfing score and don't make me come over there and take a nine iron to the back of your head.

Sorry, I've been watching one too many episodes of CSI lately. Admittedly watching CSI is better than watching Gay, Naked Design shows because instead of taking a nine iron to the back of your head, I'd be decorating your ass with fabric. 

Do you like watching golf on television? I'd rather watch paint dry than watch a golf game on television. Did you know that Tiger Woods earned one hundred and twelve million dollars playing golf? 

Actually, he earned a measly twelve million from playing golf and one hundred million from endorsements. Now, if that doesn't make you want to run out and buy a Buick, a Tag Heuer wristwatch or drink his nasty vitamin water then I don't know what will.

Forget about Tiger Woods, rapper 50 Cents is worth much more than two bits. Forget about his albums and his music, forget about his endorsements with Reebok and Playstation, this guy is filthy rich after earning a cool 100 million with much more to come, possibly half a billion from his share in the company Glaceau after Coca-Cola purchased it. Now, that's real money. That's some serious dough for a guy from the 'Hood' and with a police record.

It's amazing to me that even after all these years Madonna still managed to earn seventy-two million dollars last year. Why? How long has it been since this Material Girl was singing her Material World song?

Her movie that boy toy husband, Guy Ritchie made, Swept Away, sucked. I saw the original movie with Giancarlo Giannini and Mariangela Melato and that was hot. This movie could have and should have been hotter but it flopped. All she did was to pose for the camera to show everyone that she was still in shape for an old broad. Her acting was terrible. It was so bad that had they cast Paris Hilton in the leading roll, it would have been a marginally better movie.

Howard Stern fell in shit when he quit radio to explore outer space with satellite radio. I wonder how much Robin is worth. Hey, she's not a bad looking woman and she's got really big tits. His gamble as a modern day telecommunications pioneer paid off. He earned seventy million dollars last year. Way to go, Howard.

Oscar de la Hoya, one of boxing's pretty boys behind the original pretty boy, Muhammad Ali aka Cassius Clay, earned fifty-five million dollars last year, fifty-three from one fight when he fought another pretty boy, Floyd Mayweather, Jr. for the Junior Middleweight title. He earned twenty-five million from the purse. 

Now, why do they call that a purse? I've never seen a boxer carry a purse and you don't want to accuse crazy Mike Tyson of carrying a purse either, at least not to his face. He'll bite off your ear before pounding you to death. Can you picture big George Foreman carrying a purse filled with, what else, hamburgers?

Carrying a purse home, albeit with twenty-five million smackeroos, sounds a bit gay for a boxer nonetheless, I'd take the purse if they filled it with twenty-five million bucks. I wouldn't even mind if they put my twenty-five million big ones in a big, pink purse.

Oscar also earned twenty-eight million from pay-per-view receipts. He earned a pittance of two million in endorsements. I wonder what he endorsed. Does anyone know?

Simon Cowell of American Idol fame earned forty-five million dollars for acting like the bastard that he is and insulting everyone about their singing, clothes, and hair. "If you've got a big mouth and you're controversial, you're going to get attention," he was quoted as saying.

Do you watch late night television? You'd be gratified to know that David Letterman earned forty million dollars last year. "I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host," says David to justify his huge paycheck.

Brad Pitt was good for thirty-five million plus he gets to sleep with Angelina Jolie. Be honest, which would you take thirty-five million dollars or being married to Angelina Jolie? As much as I love her lips and her hot body, I'd have to take the money. Only, this guy gets both. What a pig you are Brad.

"Success is a beast. And it actually puts the emphasis on the wrong thing. You get away with more instead of looking within," said Mr. Pitt. Yeah, life is a bitch, Brad. I feel your pain.

Shaquille O'Neal of the Miami Heat made thirty-five million dollars last year. He made twenty million dollars for playing basketball and another fifteen million dollars in endorsements. Wow.

Tiger Woods made Derek Jeter's paycheck look small. Derek only made twenty-nine million last year, twenty-two million from playing third base for the beloved or hated New York Yankees and a lousy seven million from endorsements. 

He should have picked up a golf club instead of a baseball bat. Doesn't Derek look more like a golfer than a baseball player, anyway? I don't know how he's going to survive on only twenty-nine million dollars.

Dale Earnhardt, Jr. made over twenty-seven million racing cars, actually, seven million from driving and twenty million from endorsements. Doing endorsements are the way to go.

If anyone out there is willing to pay me, Freddie, bostonfictionwriter, huge amounts of money to endorse anything, please e-mail. I can be just as insincere as the next guy when endorsing your hemorrhoid cream or foot fungus or shoe polish spray to cover bald spots.

The End