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Guilt

By: lillithsouthern



Looking back, he knew the affair had been a mistake. Of course, in retrospect, ALL affairs are mistakes (or you had better be sure you could convince yourself of that fact if you choose to remain married). This affair had cost him. Not only had it hurt his young, yet already crippled, marriage and ended the marriage of his partner in crime; it had also cost him his best friend. Worst of all, it had cost him part of his sanity. 

He had made the mistake of falling dick-first into his best friend's wife. Whenever he explained this to someone (like his cold fish of a wife, or her endless chain of therapists, for instance), he was immediately angered by their first response which always seemed to be "How COULD you?!!?" How he would love, just once, to tell them EXACTLY how he could have done it. It wasn't rocket science. It was one of the few completely simple things that had ever happened to him. The person who insisted upon complicating it was the "victim." His wife. Her brand of mental illness depended upon having something with which to stab him in the back (or groin) forever- God only knows what she might do without her precious grief to feed upon twenty-four hours a day. 

No matter what his wife insisted upon twisting it into, it had been simple. 

He had been so young at the time. And married. Not happily married, either, but married to a woman who could (and did) cheerfully go without sex for months at a time. She didn't seem to find anything at all unusual about not being interested in intimacy. She didn't think it was bizarre to sleep in the same bed with someone night after night without having sex, ever. 

However, that was not the case with his best friend. In fact, he and his best friend seemed to have completely opposite problems. While his own wife had apparently taken some celibacy vow without his knowledge, his best friend's wife was insatiable. How strange it had been, meeting his friend after work and, over beers, listening to how his friend's wife wanted it all the time. How she couldn't be satisfied. How that, if it was up to her, they would probably be homeless because his friend would never be able to get to work. It had been foreign to him. He had joked with his friend about it, too, about how he only wished he could say the same thing about his wife. 

He had visited his friend's home often and, strangely enough, there didn't seem to be that much difference between their home and his home. His friend's wife didn't walk around wearing nothing but stockings and garters, begging to have a dick shoved in her. The only difference he noticed between this woman and his own wife was that this woman was openly affectionate with her husband. She would hug him, kiss him, and touch him- but her husband was uncomfortable with all of that and pushed her away. Yes, he was envious. If only his wife were affectionate. He wouldn't push her away. What a waste it all was. Life can be totally fucked-up, sometimes. 

One afternoon he had stopped by his best friend's house for a visit (and to prolong going home to the Frost Queen, of course). It is true, he should have just gone on home when She had told him his friend wasn't home. But he had not gone on home. She had invited him in and offered him a beer. He had only just gotten there and, already, She had shown more interest in him than his own wife had in weeks. So he had accepted Her offer. And, yes, once he figured out She was already buzzed and working on being completely blitzed, he should have politely excused himself and left. Nevertheless, he had not. He had never been alone with Her and, outside the shadow of Her husband; She had been charming and funny. She had made him laugh. And, just below the surface, he could see it, the tragedy of Her marriage. It was like a vein running through both of them. A silent understanding. He wondered if his friend had told Her about what his marriage was like. Probably not. His friend never seemed to talk to Her.

He'd had a couple of beers and many laughs with Her. He had watched the alcohol loosen Her up more and more. But he wasn't afraid of Her. She wasn't throwing herself at him, after all. She was just lonely. And he was lonely, too. He was speaking with a kindred spirit, and that's a very powerful draw. Misery has always loved company.

They had talked and talked and talked. He found Her remarkably easy to talk with. She had been so eager to listen to what he had to say. She had been hungry for attention. She hung on his every word. As they had talked, he had allowed himself the brief fantasy that this was his home and She was his wife. Maybe that short-lived fantasy turned the conversation to marriage. Maybe not. Destiny has a strange way of revealing itself one way or the other. Whatever the reason, they soon began discussing their marriages. Neither of them had anything near what they had expected. Matrimony just was not what it was cracked up to be. It wasn't about companionship at all, no, as a matter of fact, it seemed more like a business proposition. She had told him that her marriage had turned out to be about money and status- not about a sacred relationship between man and woman at all. 

When She had said those words, the short hairs on the back of his neck had stood up. Maybe that was the sign married men get when it's time to get the Hell out of Dodge. He didn't know and had no interest in learning at that point in time. 

She had left the room and he was pondering all that She had said, the great similarities between Her feelings and his own. He hadn't heard Her come back in the room at all, so deep he had been in his thoughts. He was startled to look up and find Her standing right in front of him. There was nothing out-of-the-ordinary about Her appearance. She hadn't sprouted horns and a tail. The letter A in scarlet detail wasn't emblazoned upon Her chest. She didn't look any different than She had on any of the occasions he had visited this house. The only difference had been Her eyes. She had stood there and devoured him with those eyes. He'd never felt so "on display" as he had at that particular moment, when he'd watched Her take him in from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. She had not missed one inch of him in her assessment. He had actually blushed. He'd realized he had just been fucked, because She had fucked him with her eyes. Whatever She had seen in him must have agreed with Her, because the next thing he had known, She had been sitting on his lap, one arm around him, and Her fingers in his hair. Her face had been very close to his and those eyes of hers were now fixed upon his. Once again, She had seemed to be reading him. One side of Her mouth had turned up in the tiniest hint of a smile and then She had grabbed the collar of his shirt and, without ever taking Her eyes off of his for a second, She had pulled his face to hers, forcefully, until Her lips were fractions of an inch from his. He had never been handled that way in his life and (even though he had been known to pay exorbitant amounts of money along with precise instructions for just how it should be done) he had never been handled that way again. Then She had sealed the fate of her marriage (and his sanity) with an oh-so-simple question:

"Well, are you going to fuck me, or what?"

Women were miraculous. No two were ever alike. They may all have similar physical attributes, but their minds were things of such mystery that he feared them terribly. He knew he was capable of falling deeply in love with those mysteries. Sometimes he had wanted to fall in love with those mysteries- but he didn't dare. He had never been in love, not really. He had liked his wife when they were dating. He had been attracted to her, of course. She had loved him, but he didn't love her. He never felt that completely powerless feeling that he had heard described repeatedly. She had wanted to get married. He had been torn. In the end, he had allowed her to rush him into the marriage. She had done it by manipulating his hormones and by laying a guilt trip on him about "making an honest woman of her." She didn't want to be some cheap whore. (No, nobody could ever accuse her of being a whore. That was a certainty.)

And here, sitting on his lap, was the beauty of that mystery unfolding. She'd not done or said anything up to this point that he had interpreted as a 'come on,' but she had come to a decision about herself, and she had chosen to include him in this decision. 

How could he resist? Of course, he had NOT resisted.

For the first time in his sexual history, he did not know who had enjoyed the act more, man or woman. She had been as desperate as he had been. It was frighteningly erotic to have a woman respond the way She had. She had been insane with lust. In the course of a few seconds, his sex life had gone from something only carried on within the sanctity of marriage and in the privacy of a locked and completely darkened bedroom, and only in the missionary position, to a passion-driven adulterous coupling in a living room with all the lights on. One of the few lucid thoughts he'd had while he had been banging her was a fear that one of them was going to inadvertently kill the other somehow. Spontaneous sex so hot that one actually has a fear for the lives of the people involved- How could he even BEGIN explaining that concept to the woman who could not even bring herself to put his penis in her mouth? It was beyond her comprehension and so she had chosen to turn it into some fault in him, and he'd never had the strength to point out to her that maybe, just maybe, if she had been a wife to him instead of some sort of bizarre surrogate mother, he wouldn't have found the arms of another woman so inviting. He wondered if that particular truth had ever occurred to her. Of course, it hadn't. It was far too simple an answer. 

Had he felt guilt when it was over? Hardly. He had felt powerful. He had felt good. And She hadn't seemed to be suffering from guilt, either. Once She had caught her breath, She had looked at him in utter amazement and then She had laughed. She had laughed so long and so hard that tears had streamed from her eyes. No shame, no remorse, no guilt. She had been so happy to be released from what he knew all to well to be the icy prison of an unhappy marriage. And he had laughed with her. He had laughed in understanding- they may not have been eighteen anymore, but they could still feel that way, given the appropriate tools. They were not fodder for the Grim Reaper just yet. 

There had been such a lack of guilt, in fact, that he had managed to screw his best friend's wife three more times that night. He wasn't thinking about guilt when he bent Her over the table on which She served his best friend's meals. He wasn't thinking about guilt when She was riding his cock in the bed She shared with his best friend. He wasn't thinking about guilt when he'd slammed Her against his best friend's car when he was on his way home and She'd walked him to the door then came outside, leaned against the car and lifted her skirt, daring him to leave without fucking her again. 

Guilt, in fact, had not come for a long time. It had not come when he had gotten home to the Ice Queen who didn't have so much as a kind word for him and who did not seem to be the least bit interested in what had made him four hours late in getting home. Guilt had not hit him when he had seen his best friend a couple of days later. Guilt had not hit him when his friend had invited him over after work for a couple of beers. He had made an excuse as to why he could not come over, but guilt had not played any part in that. He was just afraid his friend would see him with Her and would KNOW what had happened. He didn't want to lose his friend. And he didn't want to lose his friend's Wife either, for that matter. 

Guilt did not enter when he did take his friend's invitation and go over for a drink. Not even when he saw Her. They avoided looking at each other in Her husband's presence. When he was out of the room, though, She LOOKED at him. Just the way She had LOOKED at him That Night. God, how he loved that look. (Since that time, he had figured out that some women have that ability and some do not. Should he ever venture forth into the world of sexually active women again, he had long ago decided that he would only pursue women WITH that ability.) That look alone was enough to trap him at the table for a good fifteen minutes, fearing that if he stood up, his unholy feelings would be all too evident. 

Guilt had taken quite a bit longer. And the guilt was not "normal." He did not feel guilty about betraying his wife or his friend. He felt guilty for betraying himself. Because She had taught him that life did not have to be lived in a miserable state of pretending. She had taught him that there were women out there who could have made him very happy. Since Her, he had met a handful of those remarkable women; women who had that something that he always recognized immediately. Some of them had been available, some forbidden, but the fact that they existed at all was a torment to him. 

The irony of the whole situation was that he knew his wife would gladly let go of her precious grief for how he had hurt her, if only the whole thing could be wiped clean from his memory. He wondered if she would feel the same had she known that, could he have removed this memory from his mind, he would in a heartbeat. For all its passion and freedom, this memory did not serve him the way his wife perceived it did. The memory gave him so much guilt that he could not stand the thought of it anymore. And his guilt, which was not for his marriage and was not for his friend, was for himself. 

He felt guilty for being miserable when he had known better all along...

Guilt



CATHOLIC GUILT

I remember fondly the girlfriend I had when I was a sophomore in college. What made Peggy so special was her sense of Catholic guilt. She was the horniest woman I have ever known, but she thought everything to do with sex was a sin. Because of that I never fucked Peggy, but we did just about everything else.

She particularly loved sucking cock, and she was an expert at it. She would get down on her knees and pull my cock out of my pants. Then she would lick the head for a couple of minutes before she wrapped her lips around it and began a sloppy blowjob. She would move her face up and down, slobbering over my cock, moaning, really getting into it. Then when I shot a load of sperm down her throat, she would keep on sucking until she got every drop. Afterwards she would look up at me and say, "Thank you."

Thank you for letting her suck my cock. Believe me, the pleasure was all mine. Not really, she really got off when she blew me. Later she would feel guilty, feel that she had committed a sin. I tried to tell her that something that felt that good couldn't be a sin, but I never convinced her. I used to imagine her in the confession box telling the priest about her sin. I wondered how graphic she was in her description of that sin.

I used to go down on her too, but she never seemed as excited when I was eating her pussy as she was when she sucked my cock. I wanted her to shave her pussy for me, but she never would do that. Sometimes I would offer to lick her sweet pussy, but often she declined. "All I want to do is suck your willy," she would say. 

When we got together, it would never be too long before she asked me if I wanted her to suck my willy. Needless to say, I never refused. Sometimes she would ask, "Do you want to go twice or make it last?" If we had time, I always chose to make it last. She would suck my cock for an hour, teasing me with her mouth until at last she gave the coup de grace and let me flood her mouth with my juice.

I always wanted to fuck her, but there was no way she would allow that. Then I began to wonder if she would let me fuck her in the ass. If I couldn't get her pussy, maybe I would be able to get her ass. As I rubbed my hand over her ass, I said, "What if I put it up there. That wouldn't really be a sin, would it?"

"You mean???"

"Yeah, put it in your bottom. I'd like to try that. It wouldn't really be a sin," I repeated.

"I don't know if it would be a sin, but it sounds disgusting to me. I've never heard of anything so filthy. Besides, I know it would hurt like hell."

I knew there was no point in arguing any more, but it was okay. She gave me one her nice slutty, sloppy blowjobs. But in the days to come I continued to think about how nice it would be to have my cock up her nice, round ass. I mentioned it casually to her a couple of times, and she ignored my comments until one time she said, "I would never let you do that, but if you had me tied up, I couldn't stop you."

I wasn't sure how to take Peggy's comment. "You mean...?

"It wouldn't be a sin on my part if you had me tied up and took advantage of me."

"I see."

"It would be a sick, perverted act on your part, and it would hurt, I am sure. I can't imagine why you would want to do such a filthy thing."

Still unsure of what she expected, I got a couple of old ties and told her to take her clothes off and put her hands behind her. Peggy had a beautiful body, but I rarely got to see it. Usually she just got down on her knees and hauled my cock out of my pants and went to work on it.

I had her lie down on the bed with her hands tied behind her and got some Vaseline and started rubbing it over her crinkly hole, and then shoving my finger into her ass and finger fucking her like that.

"I hope you know what a pervert you are," she said. "If you didn't have my hands tied like this, I wouldn't let you do that." But she spread her legs a little so I could have easier access to her butt.

I hadn't had much sexual experience when I met Peggy. I had fucked only one other girl. While I really would have liked to stick my cock into her soft pussy, the idea of ass fucking that voluptuous woman had a perverse appeal to me. 

I put some Vaseline on my cock and placed it at the entrance to her rectum and pushed gently. 

"Oh God, that hurts. Stop! Stop! It hurts too much."

I didn't want to hurt Peggy, but then I had the head inside her, and it felt so wonderful that I didn't want to stop.

"Please, please, take it out," she begged.

I pulled my cock out knelt between her legs for a minute, rubbing Vaseline over her asshole. Then I pushed my cock against her opening again and gently pushed the head inside.

"Stop! Please stop. I can't stand the pain. Oh my God, it hurts."

I wanted to bury my cock all the way up her ass and fuck her hard and fast, but felt bad about giving her all that pain. I still had my cock head buried in her ass. "I don't want to hurt you. If it hurts too much, I'll take it out."

"No, don't take it out. Just go easy. Even if I wanted you to take it out, I can't stop you because you have my hands tied."

I pushed my cock slowly into her tight ass, then it pulled it back but not out. I kept pushing it in a little further until I was completely buried deep in her behind. For a moment I just held it there, enjoying the feeling of my cock in her ass. Then I started fucking her slowly but in moments I was so hot that I picked up the pace, fucking her in the ass hot and fast until I shot my juice deep into her bowels.

After we had rested for a couple of minutes, I untied her hands so she could go to the bathroom. Then I washed my cock off and just lay there for a while cuddling.

After that we went back to blow jobs most of them time, with me occasionally licking her pussy. But every once in a while she would say, "I bet you want to tie me up and put your thing into my bottom." She always acted as though I was a big pervert for wanting to fuck her in the ass, and she always complained that it hurt, but she always let me do it after I tied her hands, and I know she off when I fucked her hot ass.



Guilt



Jim Hunter was a good looking guy in his early twenties who had a peculiar problem. He didn't like to look people in the eyes. Since a young age even before he heard the term, "windows to the soul", he saw more than he wanted to in peoples eyes. He could read people almost like books and as it turns out for most people they read like dime store novels. 

Others also seemed to see something in Jim's blue, no, green, no, grey, eyes. Yes Jim's eyes changed color and often. People told him it was due to weather, what he was wearing, etc. but to Jim who had never met anyone else whose eyes changed colors he considered himself just shy of a freak. 

And he was. Although everyone considered him shy due to the whole avoiding eye contact thing, Jim had sexual fantasies, lots of them. But Jim knew he would never act them out. He was by no means a virgin, as a matter of fact, women seemed to be intrigued by his eyes which got him laid plenty but when sex was over he was not up for eye contact any more. He realized the shy thing wouldn't keep him from getting laid but would keep him from living out his fantasies. 

Jim felt guilty about his fantasies and it was then that he realized that was why he couldn't look people in the eye. He saw their guilt. It was a Friday night when his sister Terri had her hot friend Alexa over. Alexa was the byproduct of a plastic surgeon father and a plastic surgeoned mother, but the genes they passed on would allow a generation to skip surgery and all eating disorders. Bottom line, she was hot. 

Terri was suffering from a bad case of the flu and Alexa was kind enough to visit her best friend until Terri got a little too sick and threw up for the millionth time. Alexa decided it was time to vacate Casa De Puka. The odd thing was that she disappeared to 

the back yard instead of disappearing to the front door. As Jim worked on his computer he heard a conversation from Alexa that included the word Richard. Richard was Terri's boyfriend. Jim worked his way silently down to the backyard to listen more closely. Yes, it was her sister's boyfriend Richard for sure. 

Jim never liked Richard, he was too -perfect. His sister swore they never did anything and Richard would swear the same, but Jim had his doubts and his doubts were pretty much confirmed when he heard Alexa say, "Yeah, she's totally sick. I can come over now, I want to taste that thing." 

It was then that she noticed Jim. He looked her in the eye saw something that could only describe as -guilt. There was something electric there and Alexa froze for a moment. Jim heard Richard on the line saying what he wanted her to do to his big thick dick. Alexa was still frozen almost like a doll until Jim broke the ice. 

"Hang up on him," he said and all too quickly she did with a confused look as to why she would do that. 

The phone rang back immediately. She looked at Jim strangely as she answered cautiously and begged Richard's forgiveness for hanging up until Jim said again, "hang up." 

She did and stood there frozen. When he rang back Jim said, "Don't answer it." 

She didn't. "What the hell are you doing with my sisters boyfriend?" he demanded. 

"I suck his dick when your sister isn't around or even if she is in the next room sometimes. He was going to finally fuck me tonight. His dick is really big. I've been afraid but I'm ready." 

Jim was shocked, this was beyond candor. This was -guilt. He decided to test the waters. "Actually Alexa you don't want to go see Richard." 

"I don't?" 

"No you want nothing but my dick. You get wet whenever you are around me. I want you flowing and ready for my dick whenever I want you. When I say I'm ready I want you to bend over." 

Suddenly Alexa was flush, her nipples were showing through her blouse and she was squirming and crossing her legs. Her phone rang again and she threw it to the ground. She grabbed Jim's arms in sudden concern. 

"I'm so sorry about your sister, if there's anything I can do to help you though this hard time..." she was babbling. 

"You know I'm actually ready..." 

Before he could say another word she dropped her tight skirt and panties and bent over. She was dripping. It was all that he hoped for but Jim knew they could be seen pretty easy so he told her to put her clothes back on and continue to stay wet and ready. And then his fantasies hit, the ones he never dared to share.. 

"So you say Richard has a big one huh?" 

"Biggest I have ever seen," Alexa answered honestly. 

"Do you want to fuck him?" 

"Actually, I want to fuck you," she said but underneath it all was more red flush, more -guilt. 

"What if it makes me happy to see you fuck him?" Jim asked, knowing the answer given the situation. 

"Then I will ride that hard fucking cock until he comes all over me." 

"In that case I'm ready..." 

Suddenly she turned around, dropped her skirt and bent over, sopping wet. 

"Put your clothes back on. I meant I'm ready for you to make a call." 

Like an automaton she pulled her clothes back on and dialed her phone. 

"Ricky, I'm going to come fuck you now. No, I won't chicken out, I've been told I have to fuck you by..." 

"Don't tell him that!" 

"I mean, I'll be there soon. Please get it hard for me, bye." She hung up and turned to Jim. "Did I do good?" 

"You did good, now let's go see what you can do." 

She practically floated as she walked with him she was so excited. 

On the way to Richard's house Jim was given every detail of the house and every detail of Alexa's sex life. She had had sex with three different guys three different times each but nothing that she was too excited about. She even questioned if she was more into girls until she met Jim of course. She also gave the layout of Richard's house so Jim would know where best to position himself to watch what was about to happen. Of course all this information was given in between her going down on him all the way to the house. 

Jim gave her the command that she was to know when he was getting too close to shooting off and to back off in time. Whether it was her innate talent or his guilt control, she got him close at least a dozen times. She was a fantasy and she was all his. Jim's 

fantasies were just starting but he needed relief very soon. 

They arrived at the house and while Alexa rang the doorbell Jim snuck in the back door up to the second level and hid in the closet. If his plan worked he wouldn't be in the closet that long. However, Alexa seemed to be taking too long to appear and Jim wondered if there was a time limit to his control. She was told to do nothing to Richard until she got him up to his bedroom but maybe his power had worn off. 

Except suddenly they burst through the door. Alexa was stark naked and flushed. Richard had obviously done some things to her but true to her conditioning he was fully clothed. 

So this is where one of his fantasies came in. He always wanted to watch two people up close and fucking and now was his chance. It's so easy to see this stuff on the internet so the real thrill was to see it in person. 

So now like the guilty girl she was, Alexa positioned Richard and herself in front of the closet before she got down to business. 

"Damn, baby, I didn't know you were such a hot little slut," Richard said as he ripped off his shirt. 

"I didn't know either until today," Alexa said truthfully. 

Even though Jim thought Richard was a bastard and he couldn't stand that he was cheating on his sister but he was beginning to understood what his sister saw in Richard. Richard was tall, and now with the shirt off, Jim could see he was also chiseled. Jim was toned and tight but he was no Richard. 

Jim's plan was to let her get Richard ready then watch them fuck for awhile then burst out of the closet before Richard could come. Then Jim would use his newfound 

powers to tell Richard he could fuck women all he wanted but he would not be able to come unless he was in a guy. That would be the revenge for his cheating on Jim's sister. 

Alexa pulled at his Richard's jeans and Jim couldn't help but gasp. There was something in those jockey's thick and full and hanging. Jim wondered if there was something stuffed in those boxer briefs until Alexa pulled those down next. The thing between Richard's legs hung so far down his leg and so thick it appeared as if it would be impossible to grow under it's own weight. Jim had a nice dick, slightly above average, but Richard's dangling monster was, well, actually making Jim start to get hard. 

Alexa wasn't immune either. She ooed and ahhed over it and started stroking it, using both hands out of necessity. She started to take it in her mouth as Jim had told her to do. She struggled to get it in but could barely get her mouth around it's head. "Damn, I should have programmed no gag reflex in her," Jim thought. He was frustrated watching it constantly pop out of her mouth, he could imagine how frustrated Richard was getting. 

"Come on, you can do better than that slut. Never mind, let me at that wet pussy," Richard said as he tossed her onto her back on the bed. Alexa looked towards Jim, eyes filled with lust. 

She closed them suddenly, however as Richard positioned himself and slipped inside her. 

"Oh, oh no, oh my..." her voice disappeared into a moan. 

"You ain't felt nothing yet baby, I haven't bottomed out yet." 

He pushed a bit further and her eyes shot open and her back arched and she scratched at his back. "Unngh, oh my, oh, fuck, damn, it's so fuckin big!" She started babbling and he hadn't even gone all the way yet. 

He pushed the last bit and she screamed. "I'm coming already, jesus, unngh, stop, no, fuck, oh what the fuck!" 

At that point Jim wasn't sure if she was under his control or not and he really didn't care. This was hotter than anything he had ever seen online. Jim's hard on was strangling in his jeans. He struggled with the zipper for relief while Alexa started talking in tongues. 

Richard was slamming at full speed now and Alexa was on her way to a third cum. Her words were now just animal grunts. Jim felt his own twinge of guilt at how hot that big cock was making him. 

"I knew you'd be a hot little slut. You like this?" He punctuated with a slam. 

"Oh yes, I want to be fucked, I want my pussy stuffed so good all the time, oh please make me cum again!" 

"Oh I will, you hot little thing, but I'm coming with you, I'm so close, get ready for it..." 

That was Jim's cue he burst from the closet. Alexa yelped in disappointment as Richard leaped to his feet, looking like he was about ready to shoot out of pure nervouseness but as he said, "Jim, it's not what you think..." Jim caught Richard's eyes and saw the guilt. 

"Don't you dare come," Jim said and he saw Richard's cock bounce as if it was squirting but nothing came out. Richard seemed to grimace with the effort. Alexa, sit. Alexa did, though her hand went slowly to her pussy. 

"Is this what you do to my sister?" Jim asked, knowing he was about to hear the truth. 

"No, she saw my dick once and was terrified. She would tell Alexa about it 

though and that's how we hooked up," Richard said. "You were close to coming just now?" "So close. It hurts a lot actually. I haven't gotten off in days," Richard groaned. "So you really like the ladies, huh?" "I like to fuck them but they can't really suck me so I'd rather just fuck them." "So if I let you back inside Alexa you think you would come fast?" Jim asked. "So fast. I am so hard and so ready." "Well, I have some bad news for you Richard." He looked on concerned. "I'm afraid you can't come when you're inside a woman anymore," Jim said. 

Richard looked even more concerned. "Go ahead, try it. Alexa?" 

Alexa leaned excitedly back, pulled her legs in the air. Richard quickly jumped on and in and bottomed out much more quickly. Alexa picked up almost where she left off, screaming in pure pleasure. Richard was groaning the same especially as Alexa came again. 

"Oh, I'm so close, it feels so good," Richard groaned but realized and pulled out. :What did you do to me?" he asked Jim. "Well, you cheated on my sister, so now, you can enjoy women all you want but you can only come when you are inside a guy now." "No. I don't like guys." That's when Jim saw more guilt in Richard's eyes. Jim looked at Richard's thick dripping tool and suddenly new a secret without any powers. "Richard, can you suck yourself?" 

"Yes, I'm the only one who can get it in my mouth, do you want to see?" 

Jim nodded and Richard positioned himself upside down against his bed. He pulled his groin towards his face and leaned forward and several inches of his dick disappeared inside his mouth! This went beyond Jim's fantasies. This was amazingly erotic. Richard moaned and it was amazing that he was able to fit it into his mouth so easily. Richard's moans surpassed any sounds he made when he was in Alexa. 

"Alexa, is this hot or is this hot?" he asked rhetorically but she answered. 

"It's so fucking hot, I've never seen a guy suck a dick before." 

Richard's moans grew in intensity and as Jim felt like maybe he could come just watching, he realized what Richard was about to do. 

"Wait, don't you dare!" 

Richard stopped sucking, rolled into a more comfortable position. 

"I thought you said I could come only in guys. That's what I was about to do." 

"I meant other guys." 

"But I'm not gay," Richard groaned under a loaded and throbbing dick that seemed years away from needing Viagra. 

"You don't have to be to want to get off," Jim said and realized he wasn't sure which one of them he was talking about anymore. Jim couldn't get over not just what he saw but how much Richard seemed to enjoy what he was doing. "Does it feel good when you do that to yourself?" 

"It's better than any woman I have ever had," he answered truthfully. "Do you want to feel it?" 

Jim was suddenly the one losing control. "What? I don't do that with guys." 

"I just figured you needed relief too." 

Jim didn't notice when Richard had joined him at his side but Richard grabbed Jim's hardon, that he had forgotten was sticking straight through his jeans zipper. Richard rubbed Jim's pre-cum around the head of his dick and stroked it ever so slightly. Jim had never been with a guy before, but once again, those fantasies... 

"I thought you weren't gay," Jim gulped. 

"I'm not, but I need to come and there's only one guy here. How about I suck you off and you finally let me come?" Richard was breathing into Jim's ear now. 

Jim knew he could order Richard to suck him off without any payoff that's why he was shocked when he heard himself say, "deal." 

Richard dropped to his knees and ripped Jim's jeans down and in one quick motion and placed his mouth over Jim's rock hard length. Jim gasped. Until a few hours ago Alexa was the best mouth he ever felt but there was something about what Richard was doing that he couldn't even explain. All he knew was that he was about ready to come in an embarrassingly short time. He shoved Richard away and told him to wait a minute as he ditched the rest of his clothes so he was naked. 

Jim remembered Alexa at that point and also his many fantasies which did include a threesome. He longed to feel more than one set of hands. He moved his dick back into Richard's mouth and ordered Alexa to make contact with him during the blow job. 

Alexa pressed her firm tits against Jim's back and reached around to his chest. Ironically the hot feeling made it easier to hold out on the excellent mouth job he was getting as he wanted the feeling to last. He was so excited at her soft nipples brushin his skin and her hands wandering until he felt, well, something... 

"Hey!" Jim yelled as one of Alexa's fingers slipped into his ass. She leaned into his ear and grabbed his chest tighter with her other hand and whispered into his ear. 

"You said you wanted contact. This is so hot!" She shoved her wet pussy against the side of his ass as her finger dug in. His dick was harder than ever before, ever. He shoved her away and pulled away from Richard. Jim was breathing hard. 

"Okay, let me breathe for a second." Jim suddenly understood how Richard felt. He had gone as close to the edge as he could but for some reason did not get off. Richard stood before him and Jim was shocked to see that huge hard thing still standing at attention. There was more than guilt in Richard's eyes this time, there was need. 

"So, we had a deal." 

It finally hit Jim what he had agreed to. Jim had the power to void the deal and if he wasn't still hard and if Alexa hadn't explored down there he probably would have done just that but as it stood, he was erect, horny and hard and to be honest, he couldn't forget how Alexa reacted to having Richard inside her. "Okay," Jim said and leaned over the bed, ass in the air. 

Richard smiled in disbelief and quickly stood behind Jim. He lined up that huge hard, dick leaned in and Jim felt his knees buckle, not at being entered but by being pushed in the ass by what felt like a steel rod. The thing was too big to enter that easy but Jim was shocked that it was strong enough to knock him off his feet. 

Jim repositioned himself and stood firmer, braced himself against the bed. He asked Alexa for help and she rose to hold his hips steady. Richard repositioned and Jim felt the pressure right where Alexa's finger had been. It pressed and pressed and Jim realized it was too big. He thought lube would be ion order but remembered how slick 

Richard was already from Alexa and his own thick pre-cum. The pressure grew and Jim was about to order everyone to back off when suddenly the head broke through. 

"Unngh," Jim screamed and it wasn't in pleasure. There was a sharp pain and Jim knew it was more than he could take. Richard kept pushing and Jim tried to pull away but Alexa was holding him fast. Jim yelled for Alexa to let go just as Richard pushed further and broke through something, sliding all the way in. There was a sharp and burning sensation but instead of protesting, Jim froze and yelled for everyone to stop. 

Jim struggled with what to do. It hurt so much but at the same time he was strangely hard and a feeling was building. The pain was starting to throb instead of being sharp so he braced again and said, "go ahead". 

What he hadn't considered was this was new to Richard also and he found Richard was in no hurry to move as headjusted also. "Oh my god, your ass is so tight, tighter than any pussy I ever had." 

Jim didn't dare move and he asked instead of demanded. "Then why aren't you coming yet?" 

"Because I want this to last," Richard answered truthfully and started to move. 

Jim gasped and started to enjoy what he was feeling. Richard got settled in ad started to stroke in and out. It was still a bit painful so Jim ordered Alexa to get involved. She dropped to her knees and started to suck Jim. Once again, the combo of sensations actually helped him hold off longer than he normally would. 

Richard picked up his pace and started fucking Jim hard, slamming him into Alexa's mouth. Everyone was groaning and Richard commented on how he was getting close. 

That's when Jim felt something -different. He didn't know what it was but it was doing something. 

"Hhhhnnn," he said inexplicably as something started to happen. He felt his gut tighten, the tickle like butterflies, then suck in on itself over and over again until the muscles started to hurt. "Oh, what? Unnnhh!" 

Jim's dick ramroded itself straighter than he could ever remember as if it was steel. It ached and felt good ast the same time. He grunted again and felt the something inside himself. "Unnh, what? Alexa stop!" he ordered and she did. 

Jim realized it wasn't what she was doing. Richard continued to slam and started to yell, "Oh finally I'm going to come!" Jim felt Richard's dick throb larger and slam faster as Jim's own breath caught in his throat. 




Guilt



"Uh, what, it's so, oh, fuck me, pussy my ass!" Jim's words made no sense and he gasped as suddenly felt that beautiful wonderful huge thick cock ready to blow. 

"Don't you move and don't you dare come until I do," Jim ordered Richard who froze as stiff as his own cock. 

Jim then involuntarily rocked his ass back on the hard dick as his stomach continued to suck in on itself. He moved faster, finding some strange spot and his eyes began to flutter. 

"Oh, uh, oh no, stop, it's , uhhhnnn, what's happening? Oh, fuck my pussy ass! Oh, oh, ohh, uhnn, fuck...." 

His ass moved faster over the hard dick and he felt something he didn't understand. "Yes, oh fuck me, yes, oh, fuck me with that big hard cock, oh, uh, oh, cumin my ass, fuck my ass..." 

Suddenly Jim spurted harder and further than he ever had right towards a delighted and masturbating Alexa and Richard moved again and grunted and screamed as he finally came in Jim's ass. 

Jim felt Richard go limp in body, and slowly limp in huge cock, until he fell out of him with a 'plop'. Jim was shocked to find his dick still rock hard as he had always been a one shot wonder but the cum he just had, while the most powerful he ever had almost seemed more about need than pleasure and he was ready for more. 

Jim told Alexa he was ready and she turned her ass towards him, her pussy dripping. He slipped in, and oh how hot she was. He needed her wetness on his throbbing cock. He started to fuck and began to think of who else he knew who was guilty as he still had some fantasies...



Guilt



Copyright 2008 all rights reserved

*

"Don't come to the party if you can't be civil," his brother warned. "We want you there, but this is Amanda's party and I won't have you making a scene."

Kevin sighed into the phone and ran a hand through his hair. He wanted to go the party, he really did. His sister, Amanda, was like the sister he never had. It was her thirty-fifth birthday party, sort of a landmark, he thought. But… but, but, but… Lana would be there and that made him hesitate.

"You still there?" Steve asked. He had a general idea of what was running through his brother's head. Kevin and Lana had seemed all but perfect together, when suddenly it had all blown up. It was Kevin's fault, even he would admit it. Lana had been pretty close-mouthed about the whole thing. She wouldn't talk about how she was hurting, although Steve knew she had to be. 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm here," said Kevin. He sighed again. He had to go, this was ridiculous. He was thirty-one years old. He could handle a party with his ex in attendance. "I'll come, and I'll behave, I promise. If it feels like I can't, then… then I'll just leave or something." He paused. "Is Amanda still mad at me?" Amanda was Lana's best friend, and relations between Kevin and Amanda had been tense following the breakup.

"It's fading, but yeah, I think she still is, a bit," said Steve. "But she won't say anything, you know that. She won't want to upset Lana."

"Upset her?" Kevin's voice was laced with sudden suspicion. "Why would anything upset her?"

Steve cursed under his breath, nearly stamping his foot in his irritation. He hadn't meant to say that. He had to cover. "You know what I mean," he said. "Amanda wouldn't want Lana to feel bad, so she won't say anything about it." 

"Okay," said Kevin. He wasn't entirely convinced by his brother's explanation, but didn't want to pursue it at the moment. "Look, I have to go, lunch is over and I'm due in a meeting."

"Oh, sorry, didn't mean to keep you," said Steve. "So, it's Saturday at eight o'clock. Amanda won't count you late unless you come after nine." Everyone knew Kevin wasn't the most punctual of people, despite his best efforts. 

Kevin sighed internally. Lana had accepted his perpetual lateness, and even found subtle ways to improve it. They'd arrived on time at his parents' for dinner once and surprised them no end. His mother, targeting dinner for Kevin's expected arrival, had stumbled around looking for hors d'oeuvres until Lana had laughed and presented her with a platter of crackers and cheese. Lana always thought of everything.

"Right, eight o'clock," he said. "See you then." He closed the cell phone and headed back to his desk to grab the materials for his meeting. The meeting was sure to be dull, but perhaps it would keep his mind off of what he now realized had been a huge mistake.

*****

"Ready to go, Lana?" Tom's voice came from the front room.

"Just about," she called back. She slid into her shoes -- low-heeled black pumps; she had no desire to go tripping over anything -- and took a last look in the mirror. Her dark hair was kept back with a silver headband, and the makeup was okay. It made her look a bit less pale, anyway. She straightened her dress, put in her earrings and stepped into the hallway.

"You sure you want to go?" Tom asked, concerned. She'd been out of the hospital for two weeks, but he thought she still looked a little frail. "I'm sure Steve and Amanda would understand. I mean, you've been under some stress and you know he'll be there."

"It's all right, really," she said softly, giving him a small smile. "I'm going to run into Kevin at some point, anyway. At least there it's on fairly neutral turf. It's been, what, four weeks now?" Despite her easy tone, Tom knew she was still hurting over the whole thing.

"Just take it easy," Tom said. "And I'm driving," he added, using his 'don't argue with me' tone.

Lana laughed. "I am allowed to drive now, you know. The doctor said it was okay."

"Cut me a break, I'm trying to be chivalrous," he said, opening the door for her with a flourish. Lana laughed again.

They were companionably quiet on the way to the party. Tom wasn't sure what he thought about this. His first meeting with Kevin hadn't gone well; in fact, that was when Kevin had broken up with Lana, something she obviously hadn't been expecting. Tom had just arrived back home from deployment to the Middle East a few weeks before, and after leaving the service, decided to spend some time visiting Lana, his oldest friend, after a stop off at home with his parents. Lana had been thrilled. They'd been close friends since they were kids, living next door to each other until his father had been transferred to a town a few hours away. Email and cell phones made staying in touch easier, and they'd managed to keep their friendship going through high school, college and beyond.

A few years after college, they'd tried dating. It seemed the natural thing, after all the time they'd spent together. From the first awkward kiss, though, they knew it wouldn't work. Tom's unpredictable deployment schedule hadn't helped. Luckily, they'd been able to laugh about it and remain best friends.

He and Lana hadn't talked about it, but Tom remembered how Kevin had misread their relationship. They were supposed to meet up with Kevin, Steve and Amanda for dinner. Tom had been looking forward to meeting them after hearing so much about them all in Lana's emails and phone calls. But as soon as they'd met outside the restaurant, it had all gone wrong. He hadn't seen Kevin since and that was probably for the best, since initially he'd been so mad he'd wanted to beat the man to a pulp.

"Nervous?" he asked Lana. 

"A little, I guess," she said, leaning her head back against the seat. "But there isn't much to say, really. And there will be plenty of other people."

She was remembering that same night. She'd been so happy to see Tom again, after not seeing him for over two years. She'd told Kevin about him, of course -- how could you tell not tell your boyfriend about your best friend? Kevin seemed to have enjoyed the stories she'd told her, and even said he was a little jealous not to have had such a friend himself.

When they'd arrived at the restaurant and walked over to meet Kevin and his brother and Amanda, Kevin's eyes had gone cold and angry. Lana didn't understand why and had looked at him apprehensively. Steve and Amanda greeted Tom warmly, but Kevin just stared silently.

"What's this?" Kevin said, his voice tense.

"What's what?" Lana asked, puzzled. "This is my friend, Tom. I've told you all about him."

"Do you always hang on your friend like that?" Now there was an angry sneer in his voice.

Lana was still a bit confused. She had her arm linked through Tom's, yes, but that was all. "Kevin, what's going on? What's wrong?"

"Geez, Lana, if you're going to see someone else, at least keep it discreet." His eyes bored into her.

"Kevin, I don't know what you think is going on," she said, trying to keep the confusion out of her voice. "Tom's my oldest friend, he's home from the service like I told you, and that's it."

"Please," said Kevin. "Anyone can see this is more than that." He rolled his eyes.

"Kevin, what the hell is wrong with you?" said Steve. He couldn't understand Kevin's behavior, either, and he didn't like how it was affecting Lana. Amanda was his wife, but Lana had become like a little sister, and he tended be protective of her.

"Nothing," he said calmly, though his voice was still dark. "But I'm not going to stay here while my girlfriend waves her new guy around in front of me."

"I'm not waving anyone around," said Lana, now starting to get angry herself. Where in God's name had all of this come from? "He's my oldest friend, for crying out loud."

"That's your story and you're sticking to it, I'm sure," said Kevin.

Lana took a deep breath. "Look, why don't we start over? Obviously something went very wrong here. Let's go inside, order some wine and dinner and try it all again." She was embarrassed that Tom had to see this. She glanced over to see a mixture of confusion and anger on his face.

"You guys go on," said Kevin, "but I'm done here." He looked at Lana. "We're done. I can see I've already been replaced."

Then Lana understood. "Go on, then," she said, her voice tight. "But before you go thinking you're taking the high road, you should know -- I knew the whole time!" Shock registered on Kevin's face. Lana continued, her hands shaking, her voice low, but her fury obvious. "Next time you want to keep a secret, don't leave your damn emails up on the screen for anyone to see." She turned to Steve and Amanda, apologized, and she and Tom left.

It had taken a few days for the whole story to come out, at least Lana's side of it. Kevin had cheated on her, and she had discovered it when she went to her computer and found several open emails. She hadn't said anything, though, and although Tom understood her reasoning, he didn't entirely agree. She had thought about it, she told him, but wasn't sure what to say. For some reason, perhaps just blind love, she had decided to see what happened, trusting that Kevin would end the affair. In fact, he had, but the damage had been done.

That must have been hellish, Tom thought. Both of them knowing about the affair, but neither saying anything. The proverbial elephant in the room. Lana hadn't confronted Kevin -- she never was much for that, Tom knew -- nor had Kevin admitted anything. Tom's guess was that the guilt had eaten at him, and Kevin turned it around on Lana when he had the chance. 

After it was out, Lana clammed up. She wouldn't talk about it to anyone, not even Amanda. When she'd been hospitalized, she'd all but demanded blood oaths that no one tell Kevin about it. "It wouldn't do any good now," she'd said, "it's too late."  

Tom drew into a parking space and looked over at his cousin, who was staring out the of window. Kevin's a fool, he thought to himself. If our history were different, I'd try again. But damn, she still loves him. She'd never said it, but Tom knew. 

"We're here," he said, gently touching her arm so as not to startle her. "Ready to go in?"

"What? Oh, yes, sure," she said, a little distractedly. Then she looked concerned, "Oh, no, did I forget the gift?"

Tom smiled and reached into the backseat, pulled back a gift bag. "You made me put it in the car hours ago so we wouldn't forget." He laughed at the look of relief on her face. "Come on, let's go do this."

"Okay, you're right," Lana said, nodding. She laughed as Tom went around to open her door for her. "You are chivalrous, aren't you?"

"Well, I do try," he said, feigning modesty.

"We'll have to find you a damsel," Lana said.

"A damsel?" he asked as they walked up the street to the house.

"Well, sure," she said. "You're chivalrous, which is a knightly thing."

"I haven't had a nightly thing in… Ooof!" Tom was cut off as Lana elbowed him in the ribs.

"Now don't ruin it," she said as he rubbed his side. "If you're going to be chivalrous, you need a damsel to be chivalrous for. And we're practically family, so that doesn't count," she said, stopping his protest. They arrived at the front door and Lana took a deep breath. "Here goes nothing," she said, ringing the doorbell.

"Lana!" Amanda squealed and gave her friend a huge hug.

"Um, happy birthday?" said Lana, hugging her back. "And can I breathe now?"

"Hey, can I get a hug like that?" asked Tom with a grin. Amanda laughed and hugged him hard, too. 

"Just don't forget, I'm taken," she said.

"I know," he said with a sigh. "All of the good ones are." They stepped inside.

"Come on," said Amanda, nearly dragging Lana into the living room. "Tracy, Lourdes and Brandon are here. You haven't seen them in ages. Tom," she said over her shoulder, "you come, too. You need to meet Lourdes."

"Why?" he asked warily, depositing the gift bag on the table as he followed.

"You just do," she said airily. She brought them over to the couch, made introductions, and went back to her husband.

"How's Lana?" Steve asked, dropping a kiss on her forehead.

"Good, I think," said Amanda as she watched her friend talk with the others. "I think she's still tired and looks a bit pale under the makeup, but I'm sure Tom wouldn't have let her come if she wasn't up for it."

"He's the next best thing to a big brother," Steve said. "I always wished we had a younger sister."

"Why?" asked Amanda, pouring a glass of wine.

"Not sure, exactly," he said with a shrug. "Maybe so Mom would have had some more gender appropriate company. She never got to the do the whole pink and frilly thing. She tried, but Kevin had a fit." He winked at her.

"I can do pink and frilly," she said, her wink a bit more seductive. "I might even have some stashed away." Steve raised an eyebrow. "Later," she promised. The doorbell rang again.

"I'll get it," Steve said, putting his drink down. "It's probably Kevin."

"It's only 8:30," said Amanda. "He's practically early."

Steve chuckled as he went to the door. It was indeed Kevin, complete with a gift-wrapped box. "Hey, man," said Steve. "Come on in."

"Thanks," said Kevin. "I think it's about to rain, so inside is a good idea." He added his gift to the ones on the table. "Where's the birthday girl?"

"Right here," said Amanda.

"Hey, happy birthday," Kevin said with a smile, giving her a hug. He was glad Steve had found her. They were good for each other.

"Thank you," she said, returning the hug. She loved her brother, despite what happened with Lana. In fact, she wanted desperately to tell him about Lana going in the hospital, but she'd promised not to. Besides, she had agreed with Steve when he said it was Lana's place to tell Kevin. I won't tell him unprompted, but I won't lie, she thought privately. If Kevin asks, I'll be as honest as I can and hope I don't give anything away.

"Where's the booze?" Kevin asked.

"You never change," she said dryly, waving her hand at the kitchen. "It's all in there. Beer in the fridge, wine too, and harder stuff on the counter."

"Just a beer, thanks," he said. He stepped in and found one, opened it and took a swig. He was just stalling, he knew, delaying for as long as he could before he had to step into the living room with the other guests. Because he knew she was there; he'd seen her car.

Steve had bluntly told Kevin that he'd been a fool, and he knew it. God, did he know it now. The last few weeks had been awful. It was his own fault. Kevin had had an affair. He couldn't even remember why, now. She as just a girl from the office who he'd known slightly for a while before they were put together on a project. Suddenly, working late one night, they found they'd moved from work to the kind of play that was generally frowned upon in office settings.

How had he let it happen, he'd wondered? He detested infidelity in relationships. It had led to his parents' divorce. Although they weren't even engaged, Kevin had never thought about stepping out on Lana. Not even when they were fighting.

The fighting was why, he'd realized. He had been so upset with Lana, with the way things were going between them. For weeks she had been working late, and his schedule had been crowded too. It felt like they had no time together. Half the time they were both too exhausted to do anything more than cuddle in bed. Finally, Lana had suggested a weekend away. Not far away, but somewhere that wasn't his apartment or her duplex. Somewhere with a spa, or a pool, and a day or so for them to do nothing but be with each other. Kevin had been so excited about it he'd made the arrangements himself.

Then Lana came home two days before they were scheduled to leave, and told him they'd have to postpone. The case she was helping with required everyone to work over the weekend to meet deadlines. Kevin had nodded, but inside he'd been furious. So, when Julia had flirted so blatantly with him, he'd only put up token resistance.

Kevin had felt horribly guilty immediately afterwards. Julia hadn't seemed too affected, but then, she'd said she had an open attitude about things. He told himself it wouldn't happen again, that there was no need to tell Lana, and had tried to go on. Except it did happen again. And part of him liked it.

He and Julia met on the sly, during work hours or the occasional late night for a project. Once they'd managed to go at it in a stairwell, freezing when they heard the security guard on the floor above them. They hadn't been discovered, but it had hit him like a cold shower. Julia, on the other hand, was quite turned on by the threat of exposure. It had taken some convincing on her part, but they'd resumed their activities. Again, Kevin felt awful afterwards, like he was dirty.

Lana deserved better, and he knew it. When he thought about it rationally, he knew he didn't want Julia at all, really. It was the thrill, for whatever reason, that kept him coming back. But Lana… Lana was just gorgeous in his eyes. She had that hair, dark brown like mahogany wood, and those sparkling green eyes. Her body was perfect, despite what she sometimes thought. She understood him, she treated him better than anyone else had, and she loved him. And he loved her. So why the hell did he keep on doing this?

Finally, as Lana suspected it might, the guilt drove him nuts and he called it off with Julia. She had taken it well -- it was obvious he was just "some fun" to have on the side, nothing serious. He would tell her, he had thought. He would tell Lana, and hope she would forgive him. She deserved that much.

But he hadn't.

He wanted to. But he found excuses all the time. She was busy, he was busy; too much to do on the weekends; when the evenings finally hit, he wanted to be with her, to hold her, cuddle her, make love to her, not tell her something which could end in her leaving. It had finally come to a head the night she'd brought Tom to dinner.

He didn't know why that happened, either. She'd told him about Tom and the fun they'd had growing up, and he'd envied her the friendship. He'd also wanted to meet Tom, to find out what Lana had been like growing up, to like someone who was obviously so important to her. The guilt had continued to gnaw away at him, but he'd gotten adept at pushing it away, ignoring it. Then they'd shown up, walking across the parking lot. Lana had her arm linked through Tom's, and they were both laughing at something, and suddenly Kevin had been incredibly, inexplicably jealous.

He'd picked the fight and broken up with her, his guilt and anger at himself holding off the regret until the next morning. Then he'd realized the mistake he'd made, but had no idea how to fix it. His own brother hadn't talked to him for a week, and Amanda for another week after that. He'd apologized to both of them, but neither offered to speak to Lana. In fact, they both said he didn't deserve her and he should leave her alone. Then Lana had been in the hospital for several days. Steve and Amanda refused to tell him why, saying they'd promised Lana. It drove him crazy.

That was when he realized how much he loved her. That even if they weren't together, he couldn't bear the idea of something happening to her. He wished he had been there, even as a friend, if he couldn't be there as her lover, her partner. She'd known, she said that night. She'd known about the affair, but hadn't said anything. He wondered why. He was desperate to ask her that. Even if she never took him back, he had to know why she had kept silent about it.

"Are you ever coming out?" Steve startled him out of his thoughts.

"Oh, yeah, I was just… thinking," Kevin said.




Guilt



"Look," said Steve, "Lana is here. She's in the living room talking with Tracy and Brandon. Just so you know. And Tyrone is here. Remember him from my office party?" Kevin nodded. "Okay, so there are people for you to talk to, and people for her to talk to. No reason for a scene, right?"

"Right," said Kevin, in a flat voice. "Hey, Steve…" His brother turned around and looked at him inquiringly. "Do you think… do you think Lana would let me apologize?" He continued before Steve could interrupt. "I mean, just apologize, nothing more. Seriously."

Steve was silent for a moment. "I think she would. But I don't think that now is the time." Kevin nodded, seeing the sense of that, and not wanting to take anything away from Amanda. He followed his brother out to the living room. His heart almost stopped when he saw Lana.

She sat on the couch, talking animatedly with Tracy, Amanda's sister. She wore the green dress that had always been his favorite, and he was surprised to see her wearing a necklace he had given her. She looked different, though, and he tried to put his finger on it. She'd lost a little weight, but that wasn't all of it. Her eyes, he saw… they looked tired, maybe a bit sad. It killed him not to go over and hold her, to give her the comfort he was sure she needed, although he didn't know why.

"Leave her alone." Kevin turned to see Tom standing next to him. "Leave her alone," Tom said again, his voice low.

"I will," said Kevin, "I was just, uh… just looking," he finished weakly. He glanced at Tom. "She looks good. But is she okay? I heard she was in the hospital."

"She's fine," said Tom, and it grated at him not to say more. "She's still recovering some, but she's okay."

"I… I… Look, I'm sorry," Kevin finally stuttered out. "What happened that night was all my fault. I know there's nothing between you two. I was a jerk and I just wanted to say I'm sorry." What the hell, he thought to himself. Might as well start the apology ball rolling.

Tom nodded. "I'm not really the one who needs the apology, though."

Kevin sighed. "I know. I'm just not sure that she'd listen to me."

Tom looked at him as though he were crazy.

"What?" asked Kevin uncertainly.

"Listen to you?" Tom asked, incredulous. "Man, she's in love with you. Beats the hell out of me why, but she is. She'll listen to you. Not here, maybe, but she'd listen." He shook his head. "Look, just let her be for now, okay? I know she'll listen, and I appreciate your apology, but I have to say, I'm not sure you're good for her."

Kevin nodded. "Me either." Tom looked at him for a second longer, then went into the kitchen for a drink of his own. Kevin looked around, spotted Tyrone, and went over to say hi. He relaxed as they chatted, although he always had Lana in the corner of his eye.

*******

Lana saw Kevin come in, but quickly turned her attention back to Tracy. They were just chatting about mundane things, but it was fun for her, and it felt good to be out of the house after all the enforced rest. She'd gone back to work on Wednesday, despite Tom's protests, and although it had wiped her out each day, she'd felt better than she had sitting around home all the time.

Kevin looked handsome, she mused. She'd always thought he was, with his windblown blond hair and brown eyes. Steve had many of the same features, but looked a bit sterner than Kevin. Kevin always gave off a relaxed air, even if he wasn't really relaxed. She'd liked that, since she knew she could be pretty high-strung. It was one of the reasons they'd worked well together, she thought. She kept him from getting too lazy, and he kept her from getting too wound up. She sighed inwardly. Too bad it had all exploded.

Her mind only half on the conversation, she remembered the surprise trip he'd arranged for her. Once, she'd told him how as a child, she was so disappointed that she'd never gone to Disneyland. Nearly all of her friends had been, and she couldn't help but be jealous. A few weeks later, for her birthday, he'd given her an envelope with two tickets to Los Angeles and passes to Disneyland. It was the only time in her life she could remember literally squealing in happiness.

The lengths he'd gone to had amazed her. Kevin was notoriously disorganized, but he'd managed to talk to her co-worker and her boss and secure two days off. He had even packed her suitcase for her. Lana tried to bring her mind back to the present.  

She retained a small hope that he would apologize, even though he'd never really given any sign that he would. Maybe I should be the one to apologize, she thought. The expression on his face when she'd told him they'd have to move their romantic weekend had made her feel terrible. She couldn't help but feel perhaps she'd driven him to cheat on her, although Tom continually pointed out that Kevin could have said no.

She'd often wondered what she would do if he did apologize and it all came back to the same thing -- she loved him and would take him back. Amanda might scoff, Tom might argue, but she would. She loved him. 

*******

The evening passed, and Lana found she had at least managed to be distracted from thinking about Kevin too much. Kevin realized the same thing as Amanda went to open her presents. She squealed in delight at everything, running around with hugs and kisses for the givers. After she was done, he saw Lana come up to her, covering a yawn.

Once again he was hard put to refrain from running over to hold her, to see what was wrong, to help. He was sure it wouldn't be appreciated, and he'd promised not to cause a scene. He watched the two of them, and realized Lana was getting ready to leave. It wasn't that late, but she was obviously tired, and Tom had gone to get their coats. He caught her eyes just before she left. She gave him a small, cautious, sad smile, and left. His heart ached. He had never quite understood that expression until now, but as he watched her go, he felt a growing hurt in the left side of his chest, quite literally.

He went into the kitchen for another beer -- only his third; he had to drive home -- and wandered out to the living room, finding an empty seat near the gift table. He didn't mind that no one was talking to him at the moment. It was better to listen to everyone else talk, he thought. Then he could just drift and not think about what was running through his own mind.

"…and she just got out of the hospital about two weeks ago…" The fragment of conversation piqued his interest. Kevin looked over to see Tracy, Amanda's sister, chatting with her friend, Lourdes. "Poor Lana. I wouldn't have known, except a friend of mind works on that floor. I wish I'd known, I would have visited."

"Was it serious?" asked Lourdes. "I know I don't know her well, but I did think she looked tired."

"Pretty serious," said Tracy. She lowered her voice. "A miscarriage, actually." Lourdes made a sympathetic sound. Kevin felt his stomach tie into a series of knots. He held himself still, not wanting the women to realize he was listening, hoping for more information. "I know," Tracy said with a nod. "And to make it worse, she got some kind of infection afterwards and was in for something like five days."

Kevin couldn't take it any more. He jumped up to look for his brother. How could they not tell him this? He found Steve in the kitchen, throwing some cans and bottles in a bag for recycling.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Kevin growled, laying a hand on Steve's shoulder and spinning him around. Steve's eyes were wide in surprise.

"Tell you what?" he asked, jerking back.

"Why didn't you tell me," Kevin said in a low voice, advancing on his brother, "that Lana was in the hospital for a miscarriage?"

Steve was quiet for a moment, staring at the fury on Kevin's face, then sighed. "Come in here," he said, opening the door to the den. Kevin followed him in.

"Look, I'm sorry, I wanted to tell you," Steve said. "But Lana made us promise not to. Me, Amanda and Tom. How did you find out?"

"I heard Tracy talking in the living room," Kevin told him. Steve groaned inwardly. All that effort not to tell him, and Tracy spills it, he thought. How did she even know? "Tell me," Kevin demanded. "Tracy said it was serious."

"It was," Steve said. "She was shopping with Amanda, when suddenly she had awful cramps. They thought it was food poisoning or something, but then she started bleeding, and Amanda drove her to the hospital. Then…" Steve gestured aimlessly. "Then we found out. She had a miscarriage. Then there was an infection, she had a high fever for two days. They were worried about blood poisoning and I don't know what else." Kevin's face was ashen as Steve told the story.

"Why didn't she tell me?" Kevin asked, his voice just above a whisper.

Steve put a hand on his brother's arm, this time to offer some comfort and support. "She didn't know, Kev. She didn't know until she had the miscarriage that she'd been pregnant in the first place. I was the first to want to tell you, but she said she didn't want to, not yet, at least, and that she should be the one to do it. Then she told Amanda that it seemed pointless, that there was nothing you could do and it would only upset you, so she held off some more."

"What's going on?" Amanda asked as she stepped in. She saw their faces and took a guess. "Oh, Steve, you didn't…"

"He found out on his own," Steve interrupted gently. "He heard Tracy talking. Since he knew, I had to tell him the rest."

Amanda looked at Kevin, who sat down and put his head in his hands as he tried to absorb it all. He thought it was hard enough, almost losing Lana by breaking up with her. To know he might have lost her entirely, with no chance to apologize, shook him to the bone.

His sister sat next to him and took his hand, but he couldn't look at her. "Kevin, I'm sorry. We both are. We promised Lana we wouldn't say anything, but I think we shouldn't have. You should have known, you had a right to. But Steve is right, Lana didn't hide the pregnancy from you. She didn't know until we were out and…" Amanda had to stop, as memories of the fear of that day brought tears to her eyes.

Kevin finally did look at her, saw the sincerity in her face, and pulled her in for a hug. 

"It's okay," he said at last. "I understand. But now I'm going to go talk to her. I should have done it long before now, but I can't wait any more." Amanda and Steve both nodded.

"Just take it easy," Steve said as Kevin went to his car. "Don't expect too much."

"I'm not expecting anything," Kevin assured him. "Really. I just need to talk to her, to apologize."

*******

Kevin sat nervously in his car. Lana's place was half of a large house that had been turned into a duplex. The neighbors were a nice older couple who treated Lana like a surrogate daughter, and between them they kept the place looking good. Lana especially loved the front porch; sitting out on a swing she'd found at a garage sale was one of her favorite things to do on a lazy weekend afternoon. He'd found he liked it, too, at least if she was with him.

Getting out of the car presented more problems than he'd anticipated. He'd gone over a dozen or more scenarios in his head on the way over, but still couldn't figure out what he'd say when Lana opened the door. "I'm sorry" was top of the list, but would she even listen? Tom had said she still loved him, but Kevin had a hard time imagining that. Finally he forced himself out of the car and up the steps to the door. He knocked, his arm feeling like it weighed a thousand pounds.

*******

Lana looked up in surprise when she heard the knock on the door. She waited a moment, shoes in hand, to see if Tom would answer, then shook her head when she remembered he had said he was going to meet some Army buddies. I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached, she thought to herself. Who could be at the door? She wondered as she went to open it. Had Tom forgotten something? But he had a key. Maybe she'd left something behind at Amanda's and Tracy was dropping it off. She wouldn't admit to herself that she wished it was Kevin.

Her voice died in her throat when she opened the door and saw him standing there. God, she missed him. It was a major struggle not to just throw herself into his arms as he stood in front of her. She wanted so much to tell him what had happened, how much she missed him, how she wished he'd been there… 

"I'm sorry it's so late," Kevin said softly. "Can I come in, though? I need to talk to you." He shoved his hands in his pockets to keep himself from reaching out for her. Her hair was loose, she still wore the green dress, but she'd taken off her shoes. She nearly took his breath away.

"Sure," she said, moving back to let him inside. She heard him moving into the living room and shut the door, her heart pounding all the while. Taking a deep breath, she turned and walked into the other room. Kevin was pacing over by the dining room table, as he always did when he was uncertain, debating what he should do. "Is everything all right?" she asked quietly.

He raised his eyes from the floor, which he'd been staring at while pacing, and looked at her. The silence had nearly grown uncomfortable when he finally said, "I'm hoping it will be soon."

Lana sat down on the couch, a puzzled expression on her face, wondering what he wanted to say. Would he apologize? Was he waiting for her to say something? Did he think she should apologize? I wish he would say something, anything, she thought, fidgeting with hem of her dress. She blinked and suddenly Kevin was on his knees in front of her, gently taking her hands in his.

"I have two things I need to say," he said. She nodded silently. "First, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." He leaned his forehead against hers, hoping she wouldn't draw back. "I was so wrong about so many things I said and did. It was the worst mistake of my life, sleeping with Julia. No, that's wrong." He shook his head. "The second-worst mistake was sleeping with Julia; the worst one was breaking up with you." Bracing himself, he pulled back and looked into her eyes. They were shiny as she held back tears. She bit her lip and nodded again, not trusting herself to talk.

"And the second thing…" he took a deep breath and laid his hand gently against the side of her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb. He knew he had to be careful here; if she thought he was accusing her of anything, it would ruin everything. "The second thing is, I wish I'd known why you were in the hospital."

"I… I…" she tried to say. He shushed her.

"It's all right. I know," he told her. He shook his head again as she tried to speak, laid a finger over her lips. "No one told me. Steve, Amanda, Tom -- they all kept quiet about it. I overheard Tracy talking at the party after you left. She knew someone who worked on your floor and that's how she found out. I guess none of them knew that she'd found out, or I'm sure they would have told her not to tell me."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Lana said after a few quiet moments, her voice very low. "I was going to. I wanted to, I meant to. It's just that… I don't know exactly. As it got farther away, it got harder to tell you and finally I told myself that there was no point, especially since we… weren't together."

"I understand," he said. He rubbed his hands on her arms. "I do, really. I just wish I could have been there for you."

"I didn't know," she said, at last looking up at him. Tears fell, but her voice was steady. "You have to believe that. I wasn't hiding that I was pregnant. I really, honestly, didn't know until I went to the hospital. I couldn't imagine what was wrong, I'd been feeling fine right up until then. No morning sickness or anything." Her voice caught a bit, and Kevin tightened his grip on her arms. "They must have thought I was nuts not to know, but I was so busy, and stressed, that I really didn't notice I'd missed my period, and…"

Kevin took a chance and pulled her to him, holding her head to his shoulder and running his fingers through her hair. "It must have been hard," he said. "I'm so sorry." He had always loved stroking her hair. It relaxed him as much as it did her. I missed doing things like this, he thought. Then he knew that he had to try to get her back. Even if the answer was no, at least he would know he'd tried.

"I didn't know what to think," she said, relieved to finally be telling him. "It was like getting punched in the stomach, literally and figuratively. Winning and losing the grand prize all at the same time, not even knowing you had a chance at it." Her arms wrapped around him and he savored the feeling. "Then the infection… I'm still not sure what it all was. I know they explained it to me but I was so out of it I couldn't really understand. 

"Then there was the question of telling you. Part of me said, of course, since it was your child, too. But then…" she was silent for a moment. "Then it seemed kind of pointless. You were so angry that night when I brought Tom to dinner. I couldn't imagine you wanted to know. Plus, like I said, it was over so quickly…"

"It's all right, it really is," he soothed, rubbing her back. He rose and sat on the couch, pulling her onto his lap. "It's just… when I found out, when I heard Tracy, and then Steve told me the rest… I was so scared to realize how close I came to really losing you. That I almost missed my chance to apologize. So I had to come here, to tell you that." He put a finger under her chin to raise her eyes to his. "To tell you I'm sorry, and that I love you."

"I love you, too." She couldn't help saying it.

"I was hoping," he said, almost afraid to believe what he'd heard her say, "just hoping, that maybe we could try again. We can start over, do things any way you want." Now it was his turn to drop his eyes. "I can't change what happened, I know that. All I can do is tell you I'm sorry, and I know I was wrong, and that it won't happen again. But I need you in my life, if you want me in yours."

They sat quietly for some time. Lana rested her head on his shoulder, holding his hand, while he slowly ran the fingers of his free hand through her hair.

"Why didn't you say anything?" he asked her. "After you found my emails…" 

"I'm not sure," she said. "I know I'm not much for confrontation, but it was more than that. I didn't know what to say. I thought maybe I'd driven you to it, and was afraid to make it worse. I guess I thought if you ended it on your own, that would prove that I was the one you wanted."

"I can't imagine Amanda or Tom agreed with that," he said, almost half-joking.

"No, they didn't," she agreed. "But I really started to be afraid that you didn't want me anymore, especially after I had to cancel our weekend. It's so complicated, or it seems like it. I feel like I talked and thought myself in circles."

"It absolutely was not your fault," he said. "I was angry, I admit, but I should have talked to you about it. Then it happened and I talked myself in circles, too. I kept wanting to tell you, to talk to you about it, but I convinced myself you'd leave and…" his voice trailed off. "…and I should have told you, talked to you," he finished quietly. 

After a moment, he continued, "I felt so, so guilty about it. I couldn't believe I'd done what my mom did to my dad. I swore I'd never do anything like that. Then I did and I was so mad at myself. I think that's really what made me say those things when you brought Tom to dinner. I was guilty, and mad at myself for not saying anything, but instead of dealing with it, I turned it around and tried to blame someone else. You." He tightened his arms around her, still afraid his confessions would end with her throwing him out. But she just snuggled closer to him.




Guilt



I don't deserve this, he thought, lowering his head to rest in the crook of her neck, I really don't. So I'd better do it right this time.

They stayed quietly on the couch, Kevin holding her in his arms. At last, reluctantly, he raised his head. "I guess I should go," he said. "It's really late."

Lana raised her eyes to meet his. "If you want to. You can… you can stay here, if you like."

If I'd like? He thought to himself. Good God, what else could I possibly want? Out loud, he said, "I'd love that, but only if you're sure. I don't want you to think I'm pressing you to do anything."

"You aren't," she said. She was silent for a moment, then sat up and looked at him directly. "You said you wanted to start over." He nodded, a guarded expression on his face. "I'd like that. I'm not sure where exactly we should start, but I'd like that." He nodded again, not quite sure what to say. "But, Kevin…" she paused, trying to find the right words, then decided she should just say it.

"It can't happen again," she said. Her eyes dropped but rose again quickly. "I do love you. I always will. I can forgive you for this, I don't care what anyone else thinks or says. But I can only do it this once. If it happened again..."

"It won't," he promised, knowing he shouldn't interrupt but unable to stop. "It won't."

She smiled softly and stroked his cheek. He needed a shave. "I just have to say this, I don't mean to hurt you. But if it happened again, you'd have to leave. I couldn't take it again. I'd love you, I'd miss you, but… that would be the end of it." Now she did look down at her hands. What have I done? She wondered. Replaying it in her mind, it sounded awful, sounded callous. But it was all true. 

Kevin took both of her hands in one of his. "I'm not hurt. Well, if I am, it isn't your fault. You're entitled to feel… however you want to feel. I know that I have to show you I'm serious, that I need to earn your trust again. I'm sorry I only have words for that now. But I will show you, I promise."

"Well, why don't you start now?" Lana asked with a smile, bringing her lips to his.

Kevin felt lightheaded as he kissed her. He didn't realize how much he'd missed her -- the feel of her, the taste of her. How could he have been so stupid as to -- almost -- throw all of this away? He let his hands run over her arms, her sides, her hips, reacquainting himself with the curves and softness of her body. Her hair and skin smelled like berries. When he heard her sigh in contentment, it was all he could do not to pick her up and carry her to the bedroom. 

As if she'd read his mind, Lana broke the kiss, but leaned her forehead against his. "We can go upstairs," she said softly. "It's much more comfortable." She found it almost difficult to talk, as she reveled in the feel of his hands and his lips. She missed the rough feel of them, and the way he tasted faintly of chocolate and spices. It had been so hard after he'd walked away, to be alone so much, to sleep alone, when she was so used to his body next to hers at night, and his company at so many other times. 

"Are you… is it… all right?" he asked, stumbling over the words. He wanted so badly to make love to her, but he didn't know if they should. As much as he wanted it, he could wait if she told him they had to. Just to be with her tonight would be enough, was so much more than he'd dared hope for. "I mean, I want…" I want you, he thought, but was afraid to say it.

"It's all right," she said, realizing what he meant. "I want you, too. The doctor said it would be okay, just to be careful. I'll be fine, I just… need to take it easy for a while."

"Oh, good," he said, relieved. "I mean, we don't have to… but, God, I've missed you."

"I missed you, too," she said. She gently removed herself from his lap and stood up, taking his hand. "Come on, it's late." She winked. "Good thing tomorrow's Sunday."

Kevin smiled and laughed softly, taking her hand and standing up. He pulled her close again, resting his cheek against her hair. "I don't mean to sound like a broken record," he said, "but I am sorry. You deserved -- deserve -- so much better than that. Than me."

Lana pulled back and raised her lips to his for a short but promising kiss. "I forgive you, I really do," she said. "And whether I deserve you or not, I want you, so come with me and let's start over, okay?" She smiled, and he was dazzled. 

Maybe, he thought, as he followed her up the stairs, still holding her hand, I can become what she deserves.



Guilt



Dave should not have been in Denver, he should have been at home with his wife, Janet, and their three children.

He would have been home but there was a bus accident and he wasn't even on it. Accidents happen, one moment of inattention is sometimes all it takes. As it turns out, life is a series of events, one thing leads to another, many lives can be affected.

The Metro system had those safeguards, the bus driver should have been warned but something happened to catch his eye. That was just a rather young and cute gal wearing skimpy clothing, he turned his head to get a better look.

The light rail transport train hit dead square on the right front corner. Most of the people on the bus were just fine, except for Harrison. Harrison was one of the company trouble shooters, the vast majority of the time he was gone somewhere trying to figure out what was going on with one of the big automatic sorting machines for the shipping company they both worked for.

Harrison had decided to move to another seat, he had also noticed the young woman out the window.

He got to his feet and made it just a few steps when the crash happened. There was a scream from one of the lady passengers, then Harrison was flying down the aisle. 

He was loaded into an ambulance, sirens bellowed as they headed for the trauma center.

Martha, Dave's boss called him into the office and explained that he was needed in Denver and they had no one else to send.

The airplane took off just two hours later, Dave had called his wife Janet and explained. She was upset, it was a Thursday afternoon and her class reunion was Saturday night.

Janet had been upset quite a bit lately, he knew something was on her mind. He had promised to take her out for dinner and dancing Friday night, then her class reunion was on Saturday afternoon.

Later, the plans were for them to all meet at a local lodge, for drinks and visiting. They even had a live band scheduled.

Dave had hoped that it would make her happy, he liked her best when she was happy. Janet was a good mother, a good housekeeper also. She kept her body in reasonably good shape although at the moment she had that soft little bulge in her tummy.

Normally Janet never denied him sex, but now she didn't reach out for him on the spur of the moment like she had before.

He loved her totally and completely, he was trying to be patient figuring she would get over being depressed. There had been a short period of that right after each of the first two children, but she quickly went right back to normal.

This time it was lasting longer, enough so that it worried him a little bit.

The third child had been a surprise, they had decided to stop at two of them but one night they had gone out to play Bingo. Dave had won the blackout, that paid $500 so they stopped at a bar to celebrate on the way home.

There was an attractive tall man there, he came over and asked Dave if he could have a dance with Janet. Dave really didn't mind the men that asked directly, the ones that waited until he was up at the bar or in the bathroom always pissed him off.

Janet knew how Dave felt about that, any man that tried it was always met with rejection.

But this man seemed all right and was courteous, so Dave told him that it was up to her.

He was mildly surprised when she got up and took the man's hand and they danced for several songs. Janet did love to dance, normally if a stranger asked her she would decline. Sometimes she would dance with men she didn't really know, but usually only after conversation or something like that.

But there she was, smiling and laughing when the man leaned in a few times to say something. Dave watched, he saw nothing at all that seemed out of the ordinary. Janet's movements were fluid like always, she looked very nice out there.

Dave found himself enjoying watching her dance.

That was all that happened, but when they got to the car she started giggling and tugged him into the back seat. It was dark, no one could see or tell what they were up to.

That was one of those crazy and naughty rare incidents, such great fun. The sheer nastiness of having sex in the back seat of their car right there in the parking lot got Dave up and raring to go.

Then on the way home, she had her hand inside his pants, not an easy thing to do with seat belts on but she managed.

Afterward at home, Dave asked her what had gotten into her. She told him she wasn't sure, but that the stranger she had danced with had gushed about how attractive she was and it had been a long time since anyone had done that.

"That just made me feel good, honey. I guess a little bit of my vanity was showing."

Dave asked her if he had tried anything, she told him that the man had been a perfect gentleman and simply told her that her husband was a very lucky man.

"Then when he led me back to the table you were looking me up and down, I suddenly got in the mood."

Her reaction when they got to the car was out of character for her, but it was also exciting. Much more exciting than alone at home in their bedroom.

Nine months later little Sarah was born. Dave hadn't had a condom with him that night, and Janet refused to take the pills. Their making love like that in the car was way different, it just happened. 

Billy and Bonnie were both older, and soon would be teenagers. Dave and Janet loved their kids but they were also looking forward to the day they would be off to school.

Then along came Sarah. She was tiny, just 5 pounds with a shock of jet black hair exactly the same color as Janet's.

Now their plans for taking some cruise ships to far away places, a tour of France and Italy, then Greece were all put on the back burner, a decade added to that, probably more.

Even worse, now Dave was stuck on an airplane to Denver, and forced to break his promise to Janet. He had been hoping that some nice nights out, friends around would cheer her up. For a couple of months she had even begged off lovemaking most nights, claiming a headache. Next it was her time of the month or she claimed she had cramps, finally she was taking so long in the bathroom that Dave just fell asleep.

He was thinking that maybe she was worried about yet another child, it was making him unhappy. But he did make great efforts to not let it show.

After a decade and a half of marriage, they knew each other very well. Dave thought so anyway. Janet never once showed any signs of ever being unfaithful, Dave certainly never had been.

Something like that simply had not even crossed his mind, so leaving her home with the kids wasn't a concern. He was just unhappy about circumstances having disappointed her.

When Dave got to the client's facility, he first checked for a mechanical problem. He was hoping that was it, otherwise it was in the program itself. He knew if the problem was there, he was in for a long term effort to try and figure it out.

Harrison had a similar problem with the same machinery and he spent two full weeks in Dallas just a month before resetting everything.

Harrison was quite a bit better and faster at that part of it than Dave was, which is why he was the company trouble shooter in the first place. Dave's expertise was in the mechanics, he had traveled quite a bit in the early years with the company as a machinery setter.

It didn't take very long for him to discover the alignment problem. A bearing had begun to fail, the outer hardened layer was flaking off like the heat treatment was bad. It meant one main shaft replacement and the bearing assembly, plus the bearing housing. Normally that would be a job for one of their machinery setters, but Dave was the one there now and he knew what to do.

That should have been easy, and it would have been except the closest replacement parts were in China. He found that out much to his chagrin when he called the company warehouse.

After a flurry of activity, Dave discovered that the replacement inventory order had been cut, and was on the dock already to Portland. He made a mental note to have a chat with the warehouse about tracking orders and shipments, it cost him two hours to figure out that the part they said they didn't have was already on the way.

The Shipco invoice was finished, customs dealt with, and all they needed was to schedule a truck.

That meant it would be nearly a full week before he could get his hands on the part and get them installed. He called Martha, wanting to fly home. She told him to stay there until it was finished, and she wouldn't budge at his protests.

"That is our second best customer and they aren't real happy with us right now. I need you to do whatever it takes to keep them purring, OK?"

Dave resigned himself to a boring week in a motel room.

He called Janet and explained, she seemed to accept it OK.

"I love you, honey." He told her.

"I love you too." She answered, and hung up.

The weekend was terribly boring, Dave found a small cafe where he could get some food. The tiny motel room he was in had a bed that could not possibly be any harder.

Monday came and he went in to the shipping center, and spent the day in a chair resetting the program each time it tripped to keep the package flow going.

Each evening he called and talked to Janet. He made a point of not asking how the reunion party went, he was afraid mentioning it might upset her.

The truck arrived a full day early, and one more day later the line was humming again. He inspected the machinery he had removed, the huge bearing support showed serious signs of wear.

Dave photographed the parts and wrote the defect report for engineering, something was very wrong. The bearings should have held up for decades, not weeks.

He was at the airport waiting for his flight home when his cell phone rang. He looked at the number and almost didn't answer.

"Hello, Martha. What's up?" He said, already getting a sinking feeling.

"I need you in Dallas, they have the same problem."

"I thought Harrison was just down there and fixed that?" Dave asked.

"He was but it's fucked up again! Damn it! He reset the program but must have missed the heat treatment problem." That was startling, he had never heard Martha swear before and she sounded really upset.

"I am about to board for home." 

"We already booked your flight, it leaves in the morning. We suspect it's the same problem, we are trying to get ahead of it. The replacements are already in Gulfport, I need you to go down there and fix this! Much more of this shit and we will all be working in a gas station or something."

"All right." Dave sighed.

By the time he got back to the motel it was booked up, so he ended up spending the night in a different one, it was also on the seedy side. He had a very long talk with Janet, she seemed to be oddly unconcerned.

"Are you OK, Babe?" He asked her.

"Yes, fine. I am just a little tired, I guess."

They finally hung up, after the usual "I love you."

Dallas was hot, very hot. It had been raining when he left Portland but then it always seemed to be raining there. Denver had been on the chilly side, now it was at least 90 degrees and it felt like he had stepped into a sauna.

He remembered what it was that he had hated about his job back in the early days.

At least the hotel he was staying at was a lot better. There was a bar downstairs, a very nice restaurant. The room was spacious, the bed huge and comfortable.

The next day he took a taxi to the place of business, it was a large building in a section of town that could best be described as low rent.

A young woman was sitting there hitting the reset button every time the line overloaded and tripped the circuit. She looked cute, but she also looked unhappy.

"Hi! This is a pain in the rear, isn't it?"

"Yea, the darn thing keeps shutting down."

"Well, I am Dave, I am here to see if we can fix this."

"OK. I'm Carla, I am supposed to be up in accounting, at least we have air conditioning up there." She laughed, displaying overly white teeth. Dave could see the beads of sweat on her forehead and on the open throat of her blouse.

She caught his glance but simply smiled, hitting the reset button again. Dave went up to talk to the office manager, explaining what was going on. The man was gruff and didn't say much, Dave could tell he was mildly pissed off.

"At over 2 million bucks the damned thing should work!" The man muttered.

Dave nodded in agreement. Then he went back down to the line, Carla was sitting there fanning her blouse. He got a glimpse of the top of her breasts as he walked up to her, she had on a flimsy white bra.

Once again she caught his glance and smiled. Dave blushed, he didn't want it to look like he was sneaking a peek at her.

That afternoon a big truck rolled in, he got the new assembly into place in short order. They moved two fork trucks in, started relaying parcels around the bottleneck.

Dave knew that he needed to get the system up and running as soon as possible, no one looked happy at the moment.

Five PM came and went, he wanted the job finished so he kept on working. It was still hot as blazes and he was soaked in sweat.

"Hey! Are you going to work all night?" He heard Carla say. Dave couldn't see her, he was on his back snugging down the last huge fastener. He pulled that last one up to specs and slid out from under the machine.

Carla stood there with a big glass of ice water, and a cool damp towel. He took the water and drank greedily, then used the towel to wipe down his face and neck.

Then he touched the button, the line started up, perfectly silent. He shut it back down.

"She will run now, the new assembly appears to be lots better." He held up one of the rollers, it looked like it had almost been peeled.

"What caused that?" She asked.

"Heat treat problem, I will send it to engineering tomorrow."

She nodded, took a sip of her own glass. He noticed she looked to be around 30 or so, and she was really on the cute side. She flushed slightly, Dave realized he had been looking at her closely. He looked quickly away.

"What are you still doing here?" He asked.

"They made me stay until you were done so I could lock up. I don't mind, it's overtime and I can use the money."

"OK. Well, I am done now, I will be here first thing in the morning to run the tests and make sure everything is right."

They walked together outside, she locked the doors. Dave realized it was dark, he glanced at his watch and it was just after 9 PM.

"Where is your car?" Carla asked.

"I don't have one, I need to call a taxi."

"You won't get any taxi way out here after dark."

"Really? Why not?"

"It can get pretty rough out in this section of town at night. Come on, I will give you a ride."

They walked across the empty lot to a little white Civic. Dave got in, she started the engine and pulled out onto the street. He noticed she expertly handled the floor shifter.

At the hotel, she parked and turned to him.

"I'm hungry, want to get something to eat? I never ate here, besides, I bet it's on your expense account." She giggled at that.

Dave laughed himself.

"Sure, I just need to freshen up."

"Can I come up? I could use a towel bath myself."

"Sure." She opened the trunk and pulled out a small overnight bag.

"What's that?" He asked.

"I knew it was going to be late so I brought a change of clothes."

"Oh." They went in and took the elevator up to his room.

"Wow, this is nice!" Carla said, looking around the room. It was nice, too, the big windows in the front looked out over downtown.

"The bathroom is right there." He said, pointing.

"OK. I will jump in the shower and rinse off, I will be quick."

It was at that point that Dave realized he was in a hotel room with a cute young woman, and she was going to take a shower in his bathroom?

And he didn't even know her last name. He also had not called his wife Janet. He glanced at his watch, it was now almost 10 PM.

He decided to wait and call her in the morning, by now she was probably in bed.

Carla came out a few minutes later, she had said she would be quick and she was. She had on a simple white blouse and tan slacks.

"Your turn!" She smiled as she sat in a chair and began fluffing her hair.

Dave went in and stripped down, taking a quick shower. He was just finishing drying himself off when he realized that all of his fresh clothing was out in the main room in his suitcase.

"Carla?" He called out, cracking the door.

"What, Dave?"

"Can you hand me my suitcase?"

"Sure!" He watched as she hopped up, noticing the telltale movement of her upper body under the soft cloth. It was rather apparent that she had no bra on. She picked up his suitcase and handed it to him with a giggle.

"I have never been in a hotel room with a strange man that is naked." She teased.

"I have never...I think my wife would never understand." Dave blurted out.

"Better not tell her then." Carla giggled as he shut the door.

Dinner was wonderful, they both ordered the Fillet with all the trimmings. He could cut it with his fork, it was delicious. Their conversation was relaxed, easy, he found himself enjoying it very much. 

"I don't get to eat like this very often." She told him.

"Neither do I, I have the expense account when I am on a trip but it's been years since I flew anywhere."

He explained to her about the accident, and how he had ended up in Dallas. She mentioned that she had met Harrison when he was down before and tried to tell him it wasn't the computer program but he had ignored her.

Knowing Harrison, that made perfect sense.

Not quite wanting the evening to end, he asked her if she would like some wine.

"No, but I could use a Vodka and tonic." He ordered one and a whiskey and water for himself.

They returned to chatting, sipping their drinks. Dave had just two of them he noticed she had three. But she didn't seem to be affected.

Finally, Dave glanced at his watch, it was 2:30 in the morning.

"Oh, God! I need to be at the job by seven!"

"So do I. I live nearly 40 miles from here." That was when Dave noticed that her words were now slightly slurred.

"Maybe you should take a taxi?" He said.

"No, I can just get a room here." She said. "How much are they?"

"Mine was $298.00 per night."

"Ouch! I guess I can't afford...."

"You can stay in my room and we can drive in to work together tomorrow if you want to." He said that without even thinking.

Carla looked at him pointedly. He blushed furiously.

"Hey, I didn't mean....."

"Relax, I know you didn't. You really are a nice guy. OK, I will." She grinned at him.

"Besides, I don't bite...not very hard anyway." She giggled at that and got up.

Back upstairs in his room, she looked around. The room was large, the bed was huge. 

"Wow!" She said.

There was a couch, Dave went over and tugged on it to see if it opened into a bed but it didn't. 

"Tell you what? You take the bed and I will stretch out right here." He told her, eyeballing the couch that was a good six inches too short.

"Oh, don't be silly. That isn't fair. You are a nice guy and I trust you, let's just get some sleep."

"Turn your back. I have to undress, I will need to wear these clothes tomorrow." She told him, reaching for the buttons on her blouse.

Dave dutifully turned his back, until he heard the rustling as she slid into the bed.

"OK." She called out.

He turned off the lights, the room was still fairly well lit from the lights in some large building nearby. He quickly stripped down to his undershirt and briefs and slid in on the other side with his back to her.

"I bet you will never be able to explain this to your wife, either!" Carla laughed.

"Probably not." He answered, feeling sleep already overtake him. Carla also was quickly falling asleep, the last thing Dave remembered was the soft quiet sigh of her breath.




Guilt



Janet. Dave felt her as she turned over, snuggled up tightly against his back. He rolled over to face her, leaning down he pressed his lips to her bare breast. Janet sighed, and responded with a willing thrust of her hips. Dave slid his hand downwards, feeling her panties. That was strange, Janet never wore panties to bed. He slid them down and off her hips, she lifted her knee through the opening, then quickly kicked them off her other leg.

Dave was monstrously erect as his fingers felt downwards, he stroked the mass of pubic hair. He felt Janet's hand slide over and encircle his penis, gripping it firmly. Then she began to stroke him.

Dave came awake with a start!

Janet waxed regularly, she didn't have any pubic hair!

"Don't stop!" Carla muttered, pressing more firmly against him. She reached down and gripped him more urgently, pulling his erection towards herself. Dave felt the dampness, then he was engulfed by her. She pushed against his shoulder, rolling him onto his back, sliding up right with him until she was on top.

Dave was lost, there was no turning back as Carla thrust crazily up and down on top of him, her soft bare breasts bouncing wildly.

"Oh my GOD!" Carla managed as the convulsions swept over her. Then she collapsed against his chest. Dave was still as hard as he could get, he hadn't yet reached orgasm. Carla's hips twitched slightly, sending more waves of pleasure through him.

Still joined, she rolled over onto her side, pulling Dave with her. They began a very slow and steady stroke, meeting each others thrusts, grinding their loins together each time.

Once again Carla's eyelids fluttered, her body tensed. Dave could hold back no more, his own body released in a blinding orgasm.

When he was finally alert once again, she had her lips pressed to his neck, making soft mewing sounds in her throat. Dave realized what he had just done, his erection went limp and he slid out.

He pushed the covers back, sat up on the edge of the bed.

"Oh my God!" He said.

"What's wrong?" Carla asked, lying there with her breasts bare. Dave looked at her, her chest was flushed bright red, her nipples were soft and flattened out, they formed a small bulge on the tips of each breast.

"We shouldn't have done that." He told her.

"I didn't really mean to, it just...happened."

"I am married, I have three kids!"

"I won't say anything. Hey, I am sorry, we were asleep..it just..I don't know how that happened." She hopped up and went into the bathroom, still stark naked. Dave heard the shower start up, Carla was in there a long time.

She came out with a towel wrapped around herself, sat down on the bed.

"I'm not sorry, you know. That was good, very good. I never had anyone make love to me like that before."

Dave realized he was still naked, he quickly reached for the covers, tugged them over his lower body.

"I never cheated on Janet before."

"It's OK. We just won't ever tell anyone, it can be our secret, OK?" She lay down the towel, reached out and touched his arm. It was like she was burning him.

"Besides, you liked it too, you are hard again." Dave realized he was. How could he do that, Carla wasn't his wife, he still didn't even know her last name.

"Why don't we....?" Carla leaned back slightly, opening her legs in an invitation.

Dave groaned and reached for her. This time he was on top, he pounded into her almost in anger, finally jamming himself as deeply as he could. Carla met every thrust, her face screwed up in what looked like pain but wasn't.

Every instinct in his mind told him to stop this, he just could not. The lust was far too strong.

Later, exhausted, they showered together. Dave had come to accept it, there was no way back now. It was bad enough the first time, the second time had been pure animal lust.

They dressed and went down to get some breakfast at the continental bar. There were fruits, small pancakes, about everything a person could imagine.

Then they got into her little Civic and drove to the plant. They arrived a half hour late, the line was up and running, trouble free.

Carla went up to the office, he didn't see her all morning. That afternoon, sure that the equipment was working, he called a taxi and went back to the hotel. His flight was arranged, he was on his way home the next afternoon.

He called his wife Janet, in the flurry of activity and rush to get to there he had simply forgotten to. The call went to voice mail, that was odd. It was now late afternoon. He called again later with the same results.

By evening, he was worried. He was stretched out on the bed, watching a program on the TV without really seeing it when he heard something at the door.

He glanced up as it opened, thinking it was the maid.

Carla stepped in, smiled at him.

"How did you...?" He started to ask.

"I told them I was your wife and had lost my key card so they gave me one." She grinned.

Dave made a mental note to have a little chat with the front desk.

"Why are you here?" He asked her, already knowing.

"I want to be with you."

"We can't."

"Yes, we can! I know you will go back to your wife, and it will all be over. But right now, we are here. I want to be here, with you!"

"Carla..."

"Please?" She stepped towards him, opening her blouse like that was normal. Her bare breasts were beautiful, Dave felt the same familiar feelings he had the night before.

Once again they were thrusting at each other, rutting wildly and with abandon. He lost count of how many orgasms she had, and he even lost count of his own.

He was reasonably sure it was impossible, though, by mid morning they had made love at least five times.

That afternoon at the airport, she held him closely with tears in her eyes. 

"I love you." She whispered into his ear, then quickly turned and walked away.

"I love you too." He said, knowing she couldn't hear. He had no idea why he said that and he still didn't know her last name, and he didn't want to. He was feeling the guilt, and worried about his own inability to do anything about it.

As soon as her car was out of sight, he again called Janet. Once again it went to voice mail.

They trip seemed to be terribly long, finally the plane touched down. He looked out, saw it was raining like always.

Dave gathered his suitcase, walked across the street and had the taxi stand flag a cab. An hour later, he pulled up in front of his house.

No one was there. He found the note, it read simply, "The kids are at Mom's."

I was around 10 PM when Dave heard the key in the door, he was sitting there in the dark.

"Oh! You are home!" She said, when she touched the light switch.

"I have been home for several hours. Where have you been?"

"Out. Just out, I needed some time...to think."

"I have been calling."

"I know, I got all the messages."

Janet came over, leaned down and kissed him. Then she sat down beside him.

"Why was your phone shut off?"

"I didn't want to...I just...not right then."

"What?" That didn't make any sense.

"I need..to talk to you."

"Are you all right?" Dave asked her.

"I think so, but...."

He looked at her oddly, now knowing something was very wrong.

"But, what?"

"Dave, please don't hate me, please?" Her upper lip was quivering.

"I don't know how I could ever hate you."

"I have to tell you. I had an affair." She blurted out.

"What? With who?" He sat upright, looked at her in shock.

"Do you remember? Way back, that man that I danced with, the tall one? That night we had in the parking lot, that crazy time?"

It took a moment, but then Dave remembered..

"Yea."

"Well, I went out, after the class reunion by myself. I couldn't stand being around all of them without you there. He was there in the club, he bought me a drink and we danced some more. That is all that happened then except he asked me for my phone number, and I gave it to him."

"Why?"

"I don't know, he was fun to talk to and seemed nice, I was thinking he might call and we could talk some more. He made me laugh. Up until then I felt all alone, you weren't here and I was miserable."

"I see." Dave suddenly felt funny, Carla popped into his head.

"He called, and asked me out, just for a dinner so I went."

"More than just dinner, right?" Dave tried to hide the sarcastic tone in his voice and failed.

"Please honey. Let me say it. I have to tell you, I would hate myself if I didn't." She was struggling with the words.

"He asked me to go with him to his apartment. I went, I don't know why but I did. Then he kissed me, and started to touch me....and I let him."

Dave just looked at her, he didn't change expression.

"I let him...we had sex."

"I knew it was wrong and I felt terrible, so when I got home I was going to just forget him. But then you took off to Dallas instead of coming home, and he called several times. When I sat there all day and all night and you didn't call, I went out with him again."

"I see." Dave was still feeling almost no emotion.

"He made love to me again, and we spent the last few days together. I am so sorry, please! I won't ever....."

"Are you still seeing him?

"No, that is over. I found out he is married. He was just a jerk."

"Well, you are married."

"Yes. I guess I am no better than he is." Her eyes were downcast.

Dave felt his own guilt flood over himself at that, as Janet began to sob.

He reached over and put his arms around her, just held her until she composed herself. She got up and went into the bathroom, came back with a tissue, handing him one. Dave realized his own eyes were wet.

"Are you going to....divorce me? At least yell at me, call me names or something?" Janet asked.

"I hadn't even thought of that."

"Oh, Dave! I will be the best wife in the world, I am so sorry. I will never ever...." She started to reach out to him.

"Janet!" Dave held her gently at arm's length.

"What?"

"I guess I have something to tell you, too."



Guilt



He stopped her in the hall on the way to Jason's room, and Cali could tell by the look on his face that he wasn't happy with her. She had seen him coming, and even though every part of her screamed run, she knew better than to try. He grabbed her shoulder, his large hand engulfing her flesh, his fingers digging into her skin as he pushed her up against the wall and leaned in close. She had to fight with her body to keep from going into panic mode, struggling to stay relaxed as the adrenaline surged through her.

"Who is he?" Caleb demanded in a harsh whisper, his face so close to hers that she could feel his breath on her lips. She took a deep breath and avoided looking into his eyes, about to play innocent even though she knew exactly who he was talking about:

"who-" But he interrupted her with another push against the wall.

"Don't play games Cali, you know who I mean." The expression he wore was so like her father's in that moment that it send a shudder through her, chilling her to the core. She knew that Caleb was no stranger to violence, and that, just like daddy, he had a bad temper and no qualms over hitting a woman.

"Jason. He's an empath," she said, then quickly added, "but he doesn't know about you Caleb, I promise." in hopes of soothing his rage before things turned nasty. His eyes narrowed suspiciously at her and she could tell that he didn't know whether to believe her or not. "He doesn't know," she whispered again, her voice pleading. Something in her face must have convinced him she was telling him the truth because he pulled away slowly, taking a step back, and was visibly more relaxed

"Good." Cali watched his gaze travel up and down her body appraisingly, as if he had just noticed what she was wearing, which, admittedly, wasn't much. She had just left the pool and had yet to change out of her bikini, a decision she was now regretting, with only a towel wrapped around her waist. She flinched when he reached out and placed his hand along the side of her right breast, his fingers finding the massive scar along her side and tracing it down to her hip bone causing an uncomfortable flush of heat to her face and groin. He licked his lips, and she knew what was he was going to say before he even said it, but his words still caused her stomach to drop. "Come to my room at twelve tonight, don't be late." He left without waiting for a response, he didn't need one after all, and for a moment she stood against the wall and closed her eyes, keeping the tears at bay. There was no way she would let Jason know that something was wrong.

It was ten to twelve and Cali found herself at Caleb's door already, trying not to think about what was to come. She stood there for a moment, not ready to go in, but not wanting to be seen there if somebody happened to pass by. Taking a deep breath, she knocked once before entering, shutting the door quickly behind her. Caleb stood as she came in, shirtless and clearly impatient, hitting pause on the movie he'd been watching before approaching her. He wasted no time, as he pulled her close and claimed her mouth with his, while his hands eagerly yanked the shorts she was wearing down her hips until they dropped to the floor. Under them she wore nothing. Her tank top he dealt with in a similar fashion, breaking their kiss only to pull it over her head and then resuming with the same intensity until her mouth was red from the force of his passion.

He encircled her waist with one arm, she felt him reach behind her with the other and heard the tell-tale click of the door being locked, and for some reason it caused her chest to tighten and tears to spring in her eyes, as if a locked door was the only thing preventing her escape. That taken care of, his free hand moved to her exposed breast, roughly grabbing and squeezing as he pushed his tongue between her lips and explored her mouth. A calloused finger brushed over her nipple, sending a shock of pleasure throughout and pulling a gasp from her. Cali could feel his smirk against her lips and heard a low chuckle in his throat. He repeated the motion, encircling the sensitive tip and flicking it gently, trying to elicit another response from his unwilling partner, but she refused to give him the satisfaction.

It wasn't long before he'd backed her into his bed and had her laying on it, her legs dangling off the side as he leaned over her. She had expected to him to go for it then, as he normally would, and was caught off guard when he instead brought his mouth to her chest and pressed a knee between her legs, spreading her so that her sex was tight against his pant leg. She almost made a noise when he ground it in, biting her tongue to stop the cry short. It hurt, and she could tell by the way his eyes flicked upward to watch her reaction that he wanted to see it on her face. Since she didn't give him what he wanted the first time he bit her, just hard enough, and this time she relented with a soft whimper.

He pulled his mouth from her breast and loomed above her with an expression on his face that she had a hard time labeling. She again avoided looking directly into his eyes as he occasionally enjoyed using his ability to terrify her, then hold her down and take her as she thrashed in a blind panic. she found herself staring at his muscular chest instead and realized how easy it had become for her to forget just how attractive the bastard was, and how drawn to him she had been so many years ago when they were both still in high school. Cali hadn't been the only girl with a crush on Caleb O 'Daugherty, and she was certain that she wasn't the only one to discover the hard way just what kind of man he was.

That first time had been a rude awakening. When she ran into Caleb months after running away from home, she had thought she was lucky. He offered to let her stay at his place, ever so charming and nice, but that was just his power talking. The truth was that Caleb had been an unseen witness to her crime and when he spotted her in the crowd that fateful summer he saw his opportunity and he seized it. She still couldn't block out the day he told her that he had not only watched her murder her father, he had filmed it as well, and that if she didn't do what he told her to, he would turn her in. She just stood there in tears, shocked, terrified, as he started pulling off her clothes and his. By the time she had found her voice it was too late, he took her virginity, and none too gently. The worst part of it all was that he hadn't needed to rape her; she would have given herself to him willing, blinded as she was by the lie he sold her with a charming smile, and he knew it.

"I saw the way you looked at him today." He said suddenly, snapping her back into the present. Her eyes flicked up to his lips, watching them move when he spoke. "Your friend, Jason." Cali's face flushed when Caleb said his name and she automatically began shaking her head to deny it but he cut her off with a loud scoff. "Yeah, I thought so. Don't lie to me."

"Caleb-" she pleaded,

"Sshhhh." She bit her tongue, afraid to make him mad. "Now I don't really give a fuck if you have the hots for that goddamn pussy," He said with a growing smirk, "but the thing is, I don't want you thinking about him while I'm fucking you." Her face growing hotter and hotter as he spoke and her insides were tying themselves into knots. "Don't worry though, I'm going to help you forget about him."

When he reached down between her legs she cringed, fearing the worst, but he was gentle as he parted her folds with his fingers and slid them slowly inside her. She let herself relax, knowing then that he wasn't planning on hurting her; this was going to be an entirely different game. Sure enough, his thumb moved upwards and targeted the small bundle of nerves that made up her clit, expertly teasing it while pulsating his fingers against the sensitive pad of tissue just inside of her entrance. She felt a rush of pleasure coupled with shame that he could so easily manipulate her body, already growing slick with desire as he pumped his digits in and out, in and out, in and out, until her breath quickened and came in soft pants.

The harder she tried not to respond, the more her body seemed to succumb to his cruel ministrations. Within minutes she was lost in the sensations his touch brought, her ass pressing into the bed, chest arching into the air, hands gripping the sheets so tightly that the her knuckles lost their color. Through all this he continued, greedily drinking in the sight of her as he stroked and caressed, his eyes brimming with sadistic lust. As she neared her breaking she began to cry out, quietly at first, shutting her eyes tightly.

"Look at me." She heard him growl through the fog of pleasure. He quickened his pace, knowing that she was on the edge, wanting to drive her deeper into it. "LOOK AT ME." Her eyes snapped open to see him right before her, their eyes locked and she came. He covered her mouth with his free hand as she all but screamed when the first wave of her climax hit her. Her muffled cries of ecstasy continued on as she rode it out, heat flooding between her legs, her sex pulsing around his fingers. When it was finally over she was trembling and covered with sweat, guilt making her feel sick as she looked at Caleb, now standing between her legs, undoing his belt with measured calm. He freed his erect member from the confines of his jeans and grabbed a hold of her hips, jerking her to the edge of the bed.

With a single thrust he sank his entire length inside of her, letting out a low groan as her muscles clenched him tightly. He pulled back until only the tip of him was in her before slamming himself back in, this time pulling a gasp from her as well. He did it again and again, grinding himself into her at the end of each thrust, sending shudders up her spine. She felt his hands move under her rear, gripping her, his fingers digging into her flesh as he quickened his pace.

It was surprising how quickly she adjusted to his abuse. Sex with Caleb no longer hurt, unless he wanted it to that is, and in the aftermath of its orgasm her body was all too accommodating. He leaned in, pressing his chest to hers so that they were intimately closer than she was used to, and tangled his fingers in her hair. His lips found hers, and then moved down to her neck where he lightly bit and sucked until he had coaxed a moan from her. This, coupled with his rhythmic thrusting, made her flush and squirm beneath him, a warmth pooling in her lower belly as the pleasure began to build again. His smile when he looked down at her, a knowing smirk that made her hate herself for what was happening, made her think that she would rather it hurt again, if only to spare her this shame.

He took his time, and Cali wasn't sure if it was just what he was in the mood for or if this was just another game he was winning, because she started getting light headed and found her hips lifting to meet his, allowing him to push deeper into her. She was having a hard time focusing, her body begging her to let go, to stop fighting it and give in to the urges she was feeling then. She asked herself if it really mattered at this point that she was struggling not to enjoy what he was doing to her, the damage was already done. They both knew he'd won.

He caught her eyes again and held them while he worked himself in and out of her sex. There was something in his gaze that seemed almost— possessive. It surprised her at first, but then she remembered the way he looked at Jason when no one was looking, shortly after hearing about the holiday party fiasco. Maybe the reason Caleb cornered her in the hallway wasn't because he'd been afraid she had revealed him, maybe it was something much more discomforting. He was jealous of her affection for Jason.

She gasped suddenly when Caleb slid an arm under her lower back, lifting her hips so that they were angled upwards. He pressed harder into her, purposely sliding the two of them further onto the bed while he buried his face in the curve of her neck where he knew she was most sensitive.

"It feels good doesn't it?" He whispered. The sensation of his breath in her ear made her tighten and sent goose-bumps along her flesh.

"No..." Cali panted, shaking her head side to side, but even she didn't believe it. So she kept repeating it, as if saying the word would somehow make it true. "No, no, no, no, no..." Caleb laughed, sending another shudder though her, and then continued teasing her neck with his lips, just barely touching the skin. When he finally started sucking on it, she moaned, seemingly unable stop herself.

"No, no, no..." Her protests grew louder but they quickly turned to wordless cries as she writhed blindly under him, once again about to come. She was raking her nails against the flesh of his back with her legs wound tightly around his waist, throwing back her head and then letting out a strangled cry when he slammed into her, holding himself deep within her recesses as his length pulsated and filled her with liquid heat. She clung and gasped and moaned as her body in turn milked him, and when she opened her eyes, still in the throes of a climax, he was staring down at her again.

"This is a first." For a moment she hadn't the faintest idea what he was talking about, but once she came down from the high it hit her. He hadn't expected her to come again. The first time had been intentional on his part, something he'd done many times to her in the past for his amusement, but never when he was inside of her.

It killed her that he hadn't even been trying, that it just happened, and even though he had induced her passion earlier Cali was still shocked and ashamed that it had happened a second time. Caleb untangled his limbs from hers and pulled out of her, leaving an aching feeling in his wake. She sat up and drew her legs close to her body, watching as he zipped up his fly and redid his belt.

"I'm glad to see you're finally coming around." When she didn't give him a response he picked her clothes from off the floor and tossed them to her, then walked into his bathroom and shut the door. Cali just sat there, emotionally numb and exhausted, while she listened to the shower running. Time passed, the shower turned off and Caleb reappeared, still wet, with a towel wrapped around his waist. He saw her and cocked an eyebrow. "Are you waiting for an encore? Christ, get the fuck out, I have shit to do."

She slid off of the bed and pulled on her clothes, hating the sticky dampness that covered her thighs. He opened the door for her and watched her walk out, then slammed the door shut behind her. She walked down the hallway in a daze, oblivious to her completely disheveled appearance, pausing only before the door to Mile's room. Part of her wanted to go in, bury her face in his chest and cry until it felt better, but how could she do that after just having orgasmed in Caleb's bed, only a room away from his? How could she even face him?

She deserved to be alone after what she had just let happen, Cali decided as she tore her gaze from dorm room three-fourteen and forced herself to keep walking, and if Jason ever found out he'd probably want nothing more to do with her.

She spent the rest of the night trying to scrub the sweat and filth from her skin, but no matter how many times she washed and rinsed and scrubbed her skin red, she still felt dirty. After a few hours she finally gave up and climbed into bed wet, sore, and ashamed.



Guilt and Hunger



Last week I cheated on my wife with another man.

I don't know why I did it, I hate myself for it and the guilt is overpowering.

But first, a little background.

I have written six stories for Literotica, the first three are true (although the date on the last one is wrong) and the last three are not. So, to summarize, I have given oral sex to one other guy over four years ago and I wasn't married at the time.

Even back then I felt horribly guilty when I would meet up with that guy and suck his cock, and it's even worse now.

Here's how it happened.

My wife and kids were gone for an overnight in Chicago (we live in Michigan) and I was at home by myself. I had been busy during the day and when evening came I showered, made myself a drink and settled in front of the computer figuring I'd look at some porn, masturbate and then go to bed.

The thoughts and fantasies of sucking another man's cock and feeling him fill my mouth with his cum never really went away, but I hadn't pursued them because of my marriage commitment. So tonight I was looking at and reading porn about that type of thing. 

Before long, I had taken it a step further and was looking in the local personals for man to man meetings just to see what was out there. I figured it would just help fuel my masturbation fantasies and I kept telling myself it was just for that and that there was no way I was going to actually meet a guy tonight.

My next step was to communicate and exchange pictures with a guy who seemed to be kind of in the same boat as I was. Again I told myself that this was just for fun and nothing else, that it was something to do for sexual kicks and to keep me hard for my final pay off of when I stroked my own cock to completion in the privacy of my own home.

The next thing I knew, I was thinking with my dick and found myself knocking on this guy's front door.

My cock was hard, my mouth was dry, my stomach was full of butterflies and my head was swimming with thoughts of him in my mouth as I waited the few seconds for the door to open.

When it did, my eyes went directly to the sizable bulge in his shorts as I stuck out my hand and said, "Hi, Ray? I think you were expecting me?"

"I was if your name is John." He replied with a smile and shook my hand. I had given him a fake name, and figured it wouldn't really matter since he had probably done the same to me.

We had some awkward small talk for about a minute or two, when I got right down to it and said, "Well, I don't usually do these types of things so I'm not really sure how we get started. Any ideas?"

"I have a porno playing up in my bedroom." he replied. "Want to start with that?"

I agreed and we went up to his room and sat next to each other propped up on his bed.

He had told me during the emails earlier that night that he was also married and his wife was also out of town, but I was beginning to doubt the story. The house, while very nice and expensive looking, had no evidence of a woman's touch or anything to show that kids lived there at all. In addition, the porno playing on the huge tv in his bedroom was seriously hardcore gay porn. The men in it were big and sweaty and wearing leather contraptions of one sort or another while a skinny naked man was suspended in chains and being fucked into oblivion.

The whole situation was beginning to make me a bit nervous, so I said "Hot movie. Is that type of thing a fantasy of yours?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say that. Although, to be honest, my wife is probably the dominant one out of the two of us." With that he reached over and started to rub my thigh.

I took quick stock of the situation I was in. I had promised myself that I would never cheat on my wife and never do anything with another man again and here I was sitting in bed with another guy whose hand was dangerously close to my cock while a hardcore gay domination porno played on his mammoth television and all I wanted was more. My brain was screaming at me to leave, but my cock was so hard and eager that it did my thinking for me.

I pulled my shirt over my head and threw it on the floor. I undid my pants, lifted my ass off the bed and threw my pants to the floor as well. My cock was rock hard, dripping, hovering over my flat stomach and pulsing with each heartbeat. I got up on my knees on the bed to watch as Ray removed his clothes.

He was considerably shorter than my six foot, two inches. He might have been about five foot six at most. He was also a lot hairier and looked stronger than me. My frame is pretty slim, but Ray looked stocky and strong with big biceps and pecs that were outlined by his super tight shirt.

I watched with pure lust and hunger as he pulled his shorts down, exposing his cock to me. It looked more powerful than mine. It was longer and considerably thicker than my average sized cock. It also looked darker and angrier than mine did and had a slight bend about halfway up that twisted it off to the side. I swear, my heart jumped a few beats or fluttered at the sight of it. I couldn't wait to have it in my face and filling my mouth with its slippery hardness. 

Ray went to remove his shirt, but it was too tight and he couldn't get it off in the position he was in on the bed, so he got up on his knees which put us almost face to face and definitely cock to cock. We were close enough that our hard cocks touched when he leaned back a bit to remove the shirt. The word "electric" is probably over-used in these situations, but that's what it was when we touched. It was like a jolt of electricity that again set my heart fluttering and made my hands start to tremble. I looked down at our cocks so close to each other, then back up at him with his shirt off. He had dark hair covering his entire chest which was as ripped as I thought it would be, with small pink nipples at the end of those hard pecs. His stomach was not only flat, but rippled with a six pack of abs. It was obvious that this guy had it all over me when it came to exercise. I realized that he looked a lot like some of the hardcore guys I had seen in gay porn before. All he needed was a leather vest and hat to complete the look.

I didn't have long to contemplate that, though, because as soon as his hands were free they were on my cock, pulling me closer so that he could grip us both at the same time. I watched in fascination as he stroked us both with his oozing pre-cum making a slippery lube between us.

I reached up to grab one of his nipples and gave it a pull, but I actually couldn't really get a grip on his nipple and instead took a big hunk of his left pec in my right hand instead. Either way, he loved it and moaned in a guttural way, so I released and grabbed him again, almost slapping his chest with the force of it and pulled even harder. 

He moved his gaze from our cocks sliding together and looked me right in the eyes. He was breathing heavily and his moist breath was on my face. I could tell he was about to kiss me and I wasn't sure what to do as I had never kissed or wanted to kiss a man before, but I let him and it wasn't what I expected. I guess I didn't know what to expect, but it was a forceful yet soft kiss and his tongue was instantly in my mouth, exploring gently. His moustache, though, felt a little funny. Maybe it was too much of a reminder that I was being intimate with a man? Regardless, it creeped me out a bit, so I used the grip I had on his chest to end the kiss and push him down to the bed.

He was flat on his back now and his angry, thick and bent cock was pulsing and ready to be sucked. This was what I came here for and I couldn't wait. It was like a hunger or a fever in me. I was an addict and the source of my addiction was right in front of me for the taking. I tried to take it slow, but I just couldn't. As soon as my hand wrapped around that beautiful cock and I felt it twitch and pulse in my hand like a separate living thing, I was all over it.

I slowed down just enough to feel the heat of it on my face before I engulfed as much as I could into my mouth. It was exquisite. It was what I needed and it felt so good to be servicing a man again.

Ray arched his back as his cock hit the back of my throat and he moaned out in a guttural way, which only served to urge me on. My left hand was still wrapped around the base of him and I started to jack him off as I sucked him, using the combination of my spit and his sweet pre-cum that was oozing out of my mouth as a lube. 

It was only an hour ago that I was in my own home, fantasizing of cock, and here I was now; naked and on my stomach with half my body hanging off this stranger's bed, my face between his thighs and my mouth full with his cock. For now, I loved every second of it, and it showed as I sucked him and jacked him off to the best of my ability. The unbelievable need to suck him was replaced by a growing need to make him cum. I wanted to bring him to the point where he couldn't take it anymore and he had to cum in my mouth.

He was writhing on the bed now and trying to fuck my face and I let him. I held still and let him use me for what he wanted. That hard shaft sliding in and out of my mouth felt amazing. I loved feeling that ridge as he pulled out and the mushroom head of his cock slipped past my lips then back in again.

His pace was increasing and I thought he was getting close to cumming and I was ready for it. I wanted it in a bad way, but he pulled his cock out of my mouth and he stopped. 

"I want you to fuck me." He said.

At that second, my mind was a mess. I wasn't against getting my first taste of anal sex with a man, but I wanted his cum in my mouth more. However, at the same time I wanted to do what he wanted me to. I came to my decision quickly. I wanted to make him cum now and I wanted it in my needy mouth.

"Next time. Right now, I want you to cum for me." He didn't move and I thought I disappointed him. "In my mouth." I said.

That was all it took. His cock slid back into my mouth where it belonged and both of his hands went to the back of my head. He wasn't overly forceful, but he was definitely using my mouth for his pleasure as he fucked my face. I looked up at him and saw that he was looking down at me. When our eyes met, I nodded my head and started moaning around his cock. He just kept saying "Fuck, fuck, fuck." Over and over again. I knew he was close by the look on his face and by the way his pumping in and out of my mouth slowed down just a bit and I was right. Ray made a kind of crying sound, buried his fingers in my hair and pulled hard as he froze in mouth.

I had one other guy cum in mouth before and his kind of sprayed out and tasted sweet (he said it was from all the cola he drank), so I guess I was expecting the same but it wasn't like that at all. My mouth just suddenly filled with a slippery warmness as his cockhead jerked on my tongue and I choked at the quantity of it. I immediately swallowed to regain my composure and it was replaced by more cum, but a little less this time.

At that second, I wanted him to just keep on cumming. I wanted more and wished there was another man there to pump more jizz on me. I wanted more. More men, more cocks, more cum on me, on my face, on my chest and in my mouth. I was a slut for it right then as tried to suck more cum out of the thick pulsing cock in my mouth at that moment.

Ray brought me back to reality when he erupted in laughter. It was like something really funny just happened in his head and it took me a second to realize it was probably just from the relief of cumming and the sensation of having his overly-sensitive cock being sucked on so ferociously, so I slowed down and released him from my mouth. I watched up close as his cock made a few post-orgasmic twitches. I still wanted more, so I ran my tongue over the big vein that runs underneath, but Ray put his hand on my forehead and kind of held me back.

Reluctantly, I left my spot between his legs and moved back up the bed to where I started. Ray got up and went into the bathroom and I figured that was it, and that would have been ok, as I wanted to suck more than be sucked. I could hear him taking a leak in there and I wanted to get up and watch him do it, but wasn't sure if that would be a good idea or not, so I didn't.

When he came back around the corner into the bedroom, his semi-hard penis was swinging with each step and I was hoping he was going to shove it right back into my mouth, but instead he surprised me and walked to the end of the bed, laid down right between my legs and grabbed my still hard cock.

"You don't have to do that if you don't want to." I told him.

"Oh, I want!" He replied and swallowed me all the way down to the base in one gulp. Within one second I knew this was going to be the best blow job I ever had. He was deep-throating me like I had never experienced or even seen in videos. It was effortless for him and the feeling for me was overwhelming. Ray was working my entire cock with his mouth and his hands; stroking and sucking me at the same time. He wasn't just going up and down either, his whole head was moving from side to side and his grip on my cock twisted as it went up and down the shaft.

When I have received blow jobs in the past from women, it always took a long time for me to orgasm if I did at all. But, within less than a minute of this treatment I could feel the overpowering urge to cum building in my body. He might have sensed it also from the way I was writhing and moaning out of control on his bed, because he stopped sucking me and started licking my ass while still fisting my dick. That took me completely by surprise and added a whole new level to the pleasure I was feeling. I think my ass lifted off the bed from the surprise of it, but he held on tight and I could feel his tongue squirming around in my hole. That was it for me, and I told him so. I could barely form the words "I'm gonna cum!". 

He just nodded and made a "Mmmhmm" sound as my cock jerked and I started cumming so hard that it actually made me lightheaded. It was such a short blow job, but it resulted in wave after wave of orgasmic release.

When it was done, I went limp all over except for my still twitching cock. Ray got up, grabbed a towel to give to me and laid next to me on the bed. As I was cleaning my cum off of me, those guilt feelings flooded back. I was naked in bed with another guy whose cock I had just sucked and who had just had his tongue in my ass. I looked at his soft penis, felt the pastiness in my mouth from his cum and I felt the need to get out of there quickly. I regret that now, but it was overpowering then.

"Thanks Ray. That was fun! You give an amazing blow job, but I think I had better get going."

"That's too bad." He said "I was hoping you might stick around for round two."

"That sounds fun, but it's pretty late for me." And I stood up and started getting dressed while he did the same. There were almost no words spoken, but for a quick good-bye and a handshake as I went out the front door.

When I got home, I scrubbed myself in a scalding hot shower, cursed myself for cheating on my wife and deleted all his contact information from my computer.

Within a few days the urge was beginning to rise in me again for more cock and I looked for his posting online but it was gone. I already know I'll do this again and I hate myself for it and my fantasies are getting darker.

*

Any comments or thoughts are appreciated. I will to to respond to all non-anonymous comments.