12 comments/ 13901 views/ 0 favorites Domestic Violence By: LadyCibelle This essay has been inspired by the 'male side of gender issue' thread on the Author's Hangout. It's in no way meant to be moralizing and, maybe, even not informative but it's there. Domestic Violence, Spousal Abuse. Ugly names huh? For hundreds of thousands of men and women around the world it's a reality. Abusers call it 'Love'; the abused, well sometimes they're so far gone they only call it 'their life.' Nobody knows what brings it on, as abuse has numerous faces. It can be physical, emotional, psychological, monetary or hundreds of other forms that I haven't encountered, and wish never to encounter. They don't have to be all together to be considered abuse, sometimes they appear one at a time, sometimes only one form appears but nonetheless, when abuse shows its ugly face you can be sure somebody's life will be destroyed. I wish I could say in clear explanations what is and what isn't abuse, but unfortunately I can't. I can only speak from personal experience, mine and men and women that I consider friends, and tell you what it was for us. - It's him expecting dinner to be on the table as soon as he arrives, even though you're going to school full time, work 40 hours/week, take care of the kids and make sure the house is in impeccable condition; - It's having to draw his bath at night and sit on the commode while he's washing so he can complain to you about his day and not see anything wrong with it; - It's doing the grocery and buying only what HE likes because you know he won't be happy if you buy what YOU like; - It's filling up the car and knowing the fuel will have to hold until next week because he won't give you more gas money; - It's putting all the bills under your name but having to give HIM the money to pay it because he says so; - It's never seeing his pay check because he says you don't need to, anyway yours is big enough for the house expense; - It's having him talk about you as if you weren't there; - It's him telling you he's told everybody you're stupid and you better act accordingly when his boss comes to dinner this weekend; - It's feeling your blood freeze when he glares at you from across the room because you're enjoying yourself and he hasn't allowed it; - It's having a conversation with someone and have them say "Wow, you're not half as dumb as he had painted you to be"; - It's cooking dinner and have him throw it all out when it's cooked because he's decided that's not what he wants to eat; - It's having him bruise your arms and legs because he knows he cannot hit you in the face, it would show too much, and you thanking him for being considerate; - It's being pregnant and having him tell everybody he encounters that the child isn't his so he won't lose his 'options'; - It's taking your child to the hospital and never have him there to relieve you because hospitals are for sissies and he doesn't have time to waste; - It's having sex when HE wants and being denied orgasms because you don't 'deserve' it for whatever reasons he's come up with; - It's telling you he doesn't want you to see your friends because they're a bad influence on you; - It's telling you your family is not worthy of his time and you'd better make sure he's never there when you see them; - It's keeping the kids from making noise because daddy's home and he doesn't want to hear them breathe; - It's making sure the kids have eaten before he arrives so he won't have to 'suffer' their presence while he's enjoying his food; - It's only watching the TV programs HE watches because he says everything else is crap and you don't need more stupidity to enter your brain; - It's having him give you the 'silent treatment' (he doesn't talk to you for days on end, acts as if you're not there, totally ignores you) because you've decided to keep going to school even though he told you to stop; - It's sending a wedding invitation to your future mother and receive a "My condolences, I pity you" as a reply and not see it as a bad omen, - It's only wearing the clothes he tells you to, because everything else makes you look fat and he definitely doesn't want anyone to know his wife is a 'fat cow'; - It's keeping you from talking on the phone. At first it's very sweet; he's taking the phone from your hand, hangs it up, takes you to the bedroom and fucks you royally when you complain he's just hung up on your friend or family and he says he couldn't wait another minute to 'have' you but after a while he simply hangs up without reason, just because he hasn't allowed you to talk on the phone; - It's forbidding you to work so he can keep a tight check on you. - It's pleading to have money to buy milk for the kids, even though it's YOUR money and you've earned it; - It's him calling you in the middle of the grocery store to make sure you're exactly where you said you would be and having to tell him exactly what's in your cart; - It's him making you spend all your money on something HE wants, to make sure you'll depend on him for the rest; - It's being told off when you go to the Salvation Army to buy winter coats for the kids and pay more than 5$ when he's wearing one you've just paid 300$ for; - It's walking in the snow with your running shoes because if you buy yourself a pair of boots he won't give you money to buy boots for the kids; - It's only cooking what HE wants, never what you would like; - It's finding out, when you've finally got the help you needed to leave, that the bills haven't been paid for the last six months and because they're all under your name you'll have to pay them if you don't want your 'good name' to suffer; I could keep on like that for page after page and it still wouldn't be everything. Abuse is very insidious and you only notice it after the fact. People think that leaving is easy, however, when you've walked in an abused person's shoes for a while you realize that leaving is the hardest thing to do. The first thing the abuser makes sure to do is strip you of all your basic survival skills. You don't know anything anymore and you're afraid. If you know of an abusive situation, please try to help put an end to it. Don't put yourself in the middle if you don't want to but get them the help they need, even if it's only a shoulder to cry on for the abused person. Every little shred of decency and goodness the abused person sees is a little bit of hope and sunshine into their life. This essay is dedicated to my friends, known and unknown, who yesterday, today or tomorrow have to live with this reality. May we all find shelter in the storm. Domestic Violence? After my doctor noticed the welts on my bottom he insisted I speak to a social worker. I met with Ms. Janine a pretty young dark haired woman who was very kind and helpful but had it all wrong. Dr. Parsons is very concerned about you he suspects that you may be a victim of domestic violence. "It's not like that." I protested "Brenda, she continued, I have a few questions to ask you about your relationship with your partner that will help me to understand. Does your partner ever threaten to hurt you?" "Oh no Well Yes, I answered honestly, just last night he said that when he came home he was going to paddle my behind until I cry." Ms. Janine raised her eyebrows at this "That's completely inappropriate for an adult. Has he ever actually done it?" "Yes if I neglect my chores or disobey him. Oh and no matter what he paddles my ass every Saturday night." "Brenda I'm so sorry that is horrible." She said "No it's not, I love my Saturday spanking I feel very close to Master afterwards and if I take it well and don't squirm he rewards me by letting me suck his dick." I corrected her "Brenda it sounds to me like you have gotten so used to the abuse you no longer can distinguish between normal and abusive behavior. Does he ever force you to have sex with him or with others?" She asked "Well yes at first I didn't want to have anal sex with him ever, but he changed all that by using a choke chain on me until I was finally able to open up. And then I didn't want me to use a butt plug on me but he paddled me until I agreed to it." I explained "That's the worst thing I've ever heard" Ms. Janine said but she looked kind of exited, I thought that she was kind of breathing heavy. "Oh and then once to punish me for dancing really slutty at a party he sent me to his friend's house and ordered me to suck his dick." Ms. Janine sat up straight "Brenda I think we should go to the police right now." She said. "Oh but it was kind of fun, his friend was cute and after I came home Master rewarded me by fucking me really good, I mean we made love." I said "Did anything like that ever happen again?" She asked "Well I used to make fun of lesbians and so to cure me of that he invited his ex girlfriend over and I had to cook for the both of them and after dinner I had to eat her pussy. Then he fucked her in front of me and I knelt by the bedside, when he was ready, he came in my mouth." Ms. Janine looked sincerely into my eyes. "How did you feel about that?" "I felt great I got over all my fears about sexuality and we all enjoyed it,and now I'm happy to do it when ever Master wants." "But you're not his equal, he forces you to do whatever he wants and he beats you for not doing household chores." She said "Oh but before I met my Master I was such a messy girl and I didn't care about anything. Now I enjoy cleaning. Master makes me do it in sexy outfits and sometimes he makes me do it nude with heels on. I feel really peaceful and I get exited thinking about how happy I'm making him. And the best part is that if I don't do it me paddles my butt until it's cherry red and I can't sit for days." "But what's good about that? That sounds awful." Ms Janine asked looking flustered. "I don't know I just get really wet thinking about it and before Master I never had an orgasm from sex with a man now I have several a night. And my Masters gorgeous you should see him he's got black hair and hazel eyes, he's really strong." I blushed because I realized I was gushing. Ms. Janine let out a sigh, "Well Brenda I'd like you to know I'm here to help but from what you told me it doesn't sound like you have any intentions of changing your life." That's Ok Ms. Janine; I really like talking about it. Thanks for letting me talk about it with you. Domestic Violence and Me This is my confession. A confession of something that I would not tell anyone in my life about. My partner is abusive. I often doubt myself and wonder if perhaps he's not. Perhaps I am misinterpreting things. I think individuals discredit things when they actually happen to THEMSELF. I have caught myself thinking "Well it doesn't count if it's happening to me". I shall give you some examples and you can decide for yourself: - I was going to the shop without the kids so he hit me around the head and bent up my earrings, making my ear bleed. - When I was 9 months pregnant he slowed the car down, pushed me out, and drove away. - He pulled me into the house from the garden by my hair and then kicked me while I was crouched on the floor. - He shouts at me. If I am trying to discuss something or bring something up for discussion that he does not want to, he shouts. Not just shouts, but REALLY shouts- so loud that it scares me. -If I am in his way when he walks around the house, he pushes me aside roughly, or just carries on walking despite my presence. - After a row, he will tell people all about it as if I'm not there. He tells people only his side of things, and rubbishes me as a fool. - One day when I was eating my dinner he asked me to pass him something. I said no because I was eating and he wasn't, so he came over, lifted my dinner up and threw it on me. - Yesterday he said something, to which I flippantly replied, "Don't be silly". He flew at me and was going to punch me but luckily I managed to move in time. I am scared of him. I am scared of what he will do to me. I am scared of the physical pain he is able to cause me and I am scared of his temper when flips out and shouts so loud and smashes the house. I am scared when I go out, from small trips to the shop, to longer outings. I am scared because I know that if I am a little later than I said I would be, I have to listen to hours of him shouting at me, accusing me of anything and everything. I am scared that my children will grow up to hate me because I am not brave enough to leave. I should have read the signs earlier in the relationship. I should have known when he kept me up all night arguing about the exact words I'd used when I was on the phone to my friend. I was 18 when we got together and I suppose I didn't know any better. I just wanted to be with this big muscular hunk. He told me he had been violent to his previous wife and had been to prison. But I was young and he was sweet, so I believed he must have changed. I long to have a relationship where I am not second best, but equal. He tells me that no-one would love me like he does. He tells me that things will never be any better because it's my fault and I'll never change. I have changed though. But he is always ahead of me. I'll use the analogy of 'black and white': Earlier in our relationship he used to tell me black was white. I would disagree, so he would keep me up all night 'discussing' the finer points of why black was white. In the end, I learnt to just agree. If he told me black was white, I would just nod along and agree. BUT THEN he started changing the rules. He would tell me black was white and I would agree, but he'd reply that black was black- why would I say it wasn't, was I thick or something?! So now I don't even know. I don't even remember what I think, what my opinion is. I just look at him for cues, trying to read in his expression or his voice, what is best to say. I am 25. I do not believe I will ever be able to be with anyone else. Firstly because I don't think I will be brave enough to ever leave. Secondly because I wouldn't want to be- I would never get so close to anyone that they could hurt me so much again. I am not the person I used to be. I don't know where she went, but now I am trapped in the life of someone I never thought I would be. But at least I am numb.