3 comments/ 6644 views/ 2 favorites The Ruth Scroll By: miskeivitch The Message Bible (TMB) claims that Ruth crawled under the sheets with Boaz "to signal her availability for marriage." You can look that up for yourself (Ruth 3:7 TMB). In my opinion, TMB has it all wrong because I believe Ruth had a much shorter term goal in mind, namely getting laid. The Bible contains tales of real people who deal with the same primal urges every day as you and I do. It does a disservice to the humanness of Biblical characters to sanitize their actions. To set the record straight, the fictional Dead Sea Scroll Scholars, who first appeared in The Tamar Scroll, have discovered another unknown scroll among the Dead Sea Scroll Fragments that provides the truth about Ruth. Dr. Francis Lajeunesse walked alongside the easel examining the assembled fragments of a scroll. It took months to put together the various fragments but now the scroll was complete. The Israel Antiquities Authority obtained the bits and pieces of the scroll through the shady Bedouin antiquities dealer, Bashir ibn Sharmuta. From the completeness of the scroll, Dr. Lajeunesse concluded that ibn Sharmuta's network of antiquity thieves was still intact and functioning. Ibn Sharmuta's ethics might be debatable but the scoundrel's work was world-class quality. Aside from some deterioration at the top and bottom edges of the scroll, Dr. Lajeunesse noted that the text was recoverable in its entirety. Moving to the beginning of the scroll, Dr. Lajeunesse began dictating in Hebrew to her tape recorder. What follows is an English translation of the scroll made by Dr. Lajeunesse and the eminent scholar, Dr. Aviatar Altman. There was an economic recession in the land of the Israelites during the days of the Judges. Elimelech the Ephratite was a landless hireling in the territory that the LORD had allotted to the half-tribes of Ephraim and Manasseh. Without land of his own, the recession left Elimelech without employment and completely shekeless. Consequently, he returned south to his home town of Bethlehem of Ephratah in the territory allotted to the tribe of Yehuda. The Ephratites were descendents of Calev, the servant of the LORD who gave a true report of the land. Elimelech found no more work in Bethlehem than in the territory of Ephraim but he met the spinster Naomi. God gifted Naomi greatly with olive groves and fig orchards but had just as abundantly shorted the woman in beauty. Naomi, like Elimelech was an Ephratite and still single. Unlike Elimelech, Naomi possessed lands. There was no issue from her parents other than Naomi, so her father's lands became her patrimony upon his demise. Without immediate prospects of employment, Elimelech wooed and married the rich spinster Naomi. Elimelech was astonished to discover upon his wedding night that Naomi's libido was of even greater magnitude than the extent of her properties surrounding Bethlehem. Within nine months of unlocking Naomi's suppressed desires, Naomi provided Elimelech with his first-born son, whom they named Mahlon. Elimelech applied himself to the growing and crushing of olives as faithfully as he applied himself to the growing of his member and the pounding of Naomi's loins. By day, Elimelech dressed the figs in the orchard and, by night, he undressed Naomi in the bedroom. Elimelech's labours produced abundant fig cakes and numerous clay jars of olive oil. Naomi produced another son, whom they named Chilion. Yea, Elimelech, Naomi and their small family prospered in Bethlehem for a time but their prosperity proved fleeting. The cereal crops in the land of Yehuda failed. Even the coarsest meal disappeared from the Bethlehem market. The people spurned the oil of Elimelech and Naomi crying "Of what use to us is your oil when we have no meal with which to bake bread?" Yet, Elimelech's business head deserted him not. "We will pledge the olive and fig groves and the inventory of oil to Zalman ben Zonah the moneylender. We will move to the land of Moab where there is meal and oil aplenty. Ben Zonah will make an arrangement with his correspondent moneylender in Beit Baal-Peor and we will start our lives anew there." So, Naomi and their two sons followed Elimelech to Moab and the chief city of Beit-Baal-Peor. Landless again, Elimelech employed the skills he honed in Bethlehem to purchase the choicest olives on the Moab Commodities Exchange. He then processed the olives in the factory he constructed with the funds from Naomi's pledged lands. He became the richest oil merchant in Moab and the lands surrounding the Great Sea. Elimelech Brand Olive Oil sold in the upscale marketplaces of Egypt and in Phoenicia as far North as Tyre. For twenty years, Elimelech, Naomi and their sons prospered in the land of Moab. Their sons adopted the customs but not the religion of Moab, ultimately marrying Moabite women. Mahlon married Ruth, a woman twenty-something years old. Despite her maturity, Ruth was unworldly, naïve and sexually innocent at the time of her marriage. Her red hair and freckles served to accentuate Ruth's childishness. Chilion married Orpah whilst she was yet a teenager. Orpah was a sultry brunette, well experienced in intimate matters and wise beyond her years in the ways of the world. She was like unto her sister only in her great beauty. Mahlon and Chilion, having inherited their parents' sexual genetic makeup, did pleasure their Moabite wives most lustily and most often. The house of Elimelech and Naomi resonated nightly with the groans and sighs of their sons and daughters in the throes of passion. Although neither Mahlon nor Chilion had heretofore displayed any trace of monogamy, the two young men behaved unusually attentive to their wives after their marriages. This change in her sons' conduct aroused Naomi's curiosity. Since Orpah was more outgoing than Ruth, Naomi decided to approach her younger daughter-in-law so she could discern the reason for her sons' newfound devotion. Orpah eagerly provided an answer to Naomi's problem. "The women of Moab possess a secret technique that we practice upon our husbands. My mother passed the secret on to me on my wedding night as, presumably, did Ruth's mother when she wed Mahlon. I needed to employ the secret only once on Chilion and, behold, he is now at my beck and call. My mother learned the secret from her mothers and she learned it from her mother who learned it from, well you get the idea. Suffice it to say that Moabite women have been practicing this technique from antiquity." "Now I get it. This secret possessed by your women is why the LORD, through our Prophet Moses, forbade the men of Israel to consort with the women of the land when the Children of Israel entered the territory of Moab. Moses was concerned lest the men of Israel become enchanted by the secret held by the women and turn away from the One True God to the abominable gods of Moab. I beg of you, Orpah, to teach me this secret. Elimelech has not come in unto me for many months because he spends so much time on his business." "I don't see any reason why you shouldn't learn the secret of Moab. You're family, you're married and you're not getting enough. This will truly get Elimelech's attention. The next time he comes to you in the night……." Armed with the precious secrets of a Moabite woman, Naomi satisfied once more the lusts Elimelech had awakened in her loins twenty-five years earlier. She jumped the bones of the willing Elimelech ever more frequently and energetically. Elimelech was, by this time, well advanced in years. One night during an extremely intricate set of maneuvers, Elimelech's heart failed him. So, Elimelech went to sleep with his fathers. Naomi was exceedingly sorrowful at the death of her husband and the loss of his services. To add to Naomi's distress, she bore the shame of burying Elimelech in the same pose in which he met his demise. His still-erect weapon of his own destruction required that he be buried in a casket with a prominent codpiece on the lid. To all who mourned at Elimelech's funeral, the distinctive coffin recounted without words the manner of his death. Dr. Lajeunesse pulled out her Daytimer and made the following note: "Call Habibi tomorrow at the Jordanian Department of Archaeology and enquire whether any anomalous sarcophagi have been discovered on the Jordanian side of the Aravah." Upon completion of the seven days of mourning for their father, Mahlon and Chilion pored over the books of their father's business. Upon discovering how profitable their father's business was, both young men came to the same conclusion. The business should forthwith be expanded so that the market for their cruses of virgin olive oil would expand to the west as far as the gates of the Great Sea and as far east as the Indus Valley. The abundant olive crops of Moab would be entirely processed in the efficient factory of Elimelech & Sons (1073 BCE) Inc. Whilst Mahlon busied himself cornering the olive market on the Moab Commodity Exchange, Chilion installed larger olive presses to process the increased volume of olives. He then imported labourers from Cush to operate the new machinery. Upon arrival in Beit-Baal-Peor, the Cushite workers angered the men of Moab. The Cushites enamored themselves to the women of Beit Baal-Peor to such an extent that they utterly dominated Moabite women's favours in the same manner that Mahlon monopolized the Moab Commodity Exchange in olives. So many young women and not merely a few of the more mature women of the city were finding pleasure with the Cushites that the priests and priestesses of Chemosh and Ishtar were only able to recruit quite elderly widows or extremely homely women to perform the annual fertility rites in their respective temples. The elders of Beit-Baal-Peor learned of their citizens' displeasure with the actions of the sons of Elimelech. The elders had long been jealous of the foreigners' wealth but now their anger burned exceedingly hot upon discovering that the Cushite men had usurped even their own wives' affections. The elders of Beit-Baal-Peor summoned Mahlon and Chilion to a Council in the gates of the City. The elders and the sons of Elimelech did argue heatedly for an hour. Mahlon countered every accusation of monopoly with a detailed explanation of the trickle-down effect. Chilion arose to declare that, forthwith, the working day of the Cushites would be extended by two hours. This would ensure that the Cushites would have no time for pleasure with the women of the city. The Potters' Guild of Moab and Edom supported Mahlon and Chilion as the production and profit of clay cruses had risen simultaneously with the production and profit of olive oil. The elders conferred and seemed inclined to release Mahlon and Chilion until the High Priest of the Temple of Chemosh arose and pointed accusingly at the two men. "There is one final issue that the eminent elders of the city most resolve before we release these two men of Israel. They have not allowed their women to serve in the Temples of Chemosh and Ishtar. We did not require their mother, the wife of the late Elimelech, to so serve because she was a foreigner and, I speak frankly concerning this matter, not particularly comely of appearance. However, your wives are women of Moab and, yea, gifted with the great beauty of our women of this country. We intend to enforce the laws of Moab regarding the unfulfilled duties of Ruth and Orpah to the temple." Mahlon rose and answered the priest. "It is true that we are not men of Moab but these two women have joined themselves unto us and unto the One True God. In order to marry us under our Law and tradition, they converted to the religion of our forefathers. Thus, they are excused from service to Chemosh and Ishtar because our God is a jealous God who requires that those who follow Him to worship Him alone. This is because our ancestor Abraham was a wandering Aramean who encountered the One True God on his journeys. His descendants took refuge in Egypt during a famine even worse than the one that drove our father and mother to leave their home and take up residence in this city. They were enslaved by their Egyptian hosts but the LORD smote the Egyptians with seven plagues for their sins towards our people. He set a pillar of fire before us to guide us on our journey to Canaan. The route chosen by the pillar of fire just happened to take us through Moab. When our forefathers passed through this land of Moab, it is true your king Balak hired the prophet Balaam to curse our forefathers but he was powerless as the LORD was on our side. Well, that was then and this is now so let's let bygones be bygones. After all, isn't our prophet Moshe rumoured to be buried in this very valley? Today, we again sojourn in Moab but this time in peace and to our mutual advantage. Our father brought prosperity and prestige to the Moabite olive industry and we have continued his good works. All we ask in exchange for the economic prosperity we have brought to this city and the surrounding countryside is that our families be allowed to worship in peace the One True God of our ancestors." As Mahlon took his seat among the city elders, he became uneasy upon noticing that the crowd visibly yawned after his overly long speech. Mahlon never learned how to talk to a pagan without the pagan getting bored. The High Priest of Chemosh walked to the podium and shouted to the elders and the rabble who had gathered to hear the debate. "Hear me, oh men of Beit-Baal-Peor! See how these miserable Israelites blaspheme Chemosh by asserting that their god is the True God and that, furthermore, this invisible god is the only one in the god business. Can a god that can't be seen have any authority upon those who possess vision? You may go to our temple to gaze upon the awesome statue of Chemosh and ponder at length his awesome power. Consider next what an inferior god must this God of Israel be who has no female deity to attend to his physical needs and desires? If a god does not shtumpf his goddess in the spring, then crops will surely fail. I point to the famine that drove these Israelites to our city as proof that that this invisible god is impotent and inferior to Chemosh of the Moabites. Every Moabite knows that, within a city, the gods of that city are supreme and outside the city the gods live and let live. This invisible god may rule Bethlehem in whatever manner he wishes but he has no authority upon these women whilst they dwell in Beit-Baal-Peor. It is perfectly clear that Ruth and Orpah are required to serve in our temples. I furthermore conclude that the religious objections of these men of Israel are pure theological rubbish. I say, 'Great is Chemosh of the Moabites above all other gods!'" The elders and the men standing idly by in the gates of the city took up the slogan of the high priest and shouted, "Great is Chemosh, god of the Moabites and great is he above all other gods!" Upon hearing the high priest's compelling logic for a female deity, the priestesses of Ishtar and the women amongst the rabble started chanting in return, "And great is his consort, the goddess Ishtar, above all other goddesses!" Seeing the direction that the priests of Chemosh and the priestesses of Ishtar were taking, Chilion nudged his manservant, saying "None of this feels right to me. Leave quietly and go by the side streets to our house. Tell the womenfolk in our house to flee to the hills across the valley where we will meet them later." The manservant did as he was told, running at full speed to the house of Mahlon and Chilion. Breathlessly, he related the events taking place in the gates of the city and Chilion's advice to flee forthwith. Only Ruth resisted flight. "Our men are being silly again. If all the high priest is asking is for me to serve in the temple, I'm quite humble enough to scrub floors and clean the candle holders for a couple of hours if that will get my Mahlon out of trouble." Orpah took her older sister aside, describing in whispers exactly what service in the pagan temples required. Naomi gathered together whatever silver was kept in the house with one hand and took Ruth's arm by the other hand. "We must make haste out of this city. It is unfortunately the lot of the children of Israel from time to time to flee in the night from their oppressors." The three women escaped over the city wall, aided by the man servant. As they crossed the valley to hide in the olive groves opposite the city, the men of the city could be heard shouting, "Great is Chemosh the god of Moab above all other gods," and the women of the city answering in return, "And great is his consort, the goddess Ishtar above all other goddesses." Then the unmistakable odour of burning olive oil wafted over the women. From their vantage point across the valley, the three women watched the flames of their factory burn all night. The flames of the factory illuminated a long line of black men driven from the city in anger by Moabite men bearing whips. On the morrow, an exhausted and exceedingly sorrowful servant came bearing a few baskets of food. "This is all that I could salvage from your home after the mob looted the house. Your olive oil factory lies in ashes and all the foreign workers have been banished to their homes in Cush." Naomi rocked back and forth for ten minutes at the news of her economic loss. Finally she posed the dreaded question: "You have not spoken of my sons Mahlon and Chilion. What of them? Are they safe and when will they join us?" "Nay, my mistress. They will not join you. They did not survive the wrath of the priests, priestesses, elders and assorted rabble. They now rest with their fathers. Furthermore, I caution my mistress against returning to Beit-Baal-Peor or you may meet the same fate as your sons. I strongly recommend that you return to your former home in Bethlehem. I have heard that your invisible God has smiled upon His people and your land flows once more with milk and honey." Naomi and her two daughters mourned Mahlon and Chilion for seven days. At the end of seven days, Naomi put off her sackcloth and washed her head of ashes. She picked up the last basket of food and the pouch of silver and said "I'm returning to my ancestral home in the land of Yehuda. You should likewise return to your families' homes. May the God of our father Abraham show kindness to you in the same measure as you have shown to your husbands. May the LORD grant that each of you will find comfort and pleasures in the home of another husband." Then she kissed them but they wailed aloud and said to her, "We will go back with you to your people." But Naomi said, "Return home, my daughters. Why would you come with me? I am old and I am ugly. I'll never find another husband, especially one who could make love to me in the manner of Elimelech. If you stay with me, I'll just be a drag on your lives. Neither of you will find a husband with me around. No, the LORD has dealt us all a bitter blow but it is better that I bear this alone than burden you with it. Go back to the city and to your homes." After an appropriate interlude of weeping, Orpah said, "I'm going back to Beit-Baal-Peor and do my service in the Temple of Ishtar, as the priestesses wish. Right now, three square meals a day in exchange for getting poked in the name of Ishtar sounds good to me. I hope you're not disappointed in me, mother Naomi but I always thought that believing in an invisible God was as childish as having an invisible friend. Give me a real statue of a god anytime. When my service to Ishtar is over, I'll still be young enough to find a husband for myself." Orpah kissed Naomi good-bye, waved ta-ta to Ruth and walked away. Ruth remained behind, clutching her mother's hand. Naomi turned to Ruth and said "Follow Orpah. Rejoin your family, worship your people's gods and leave me to my weep over the loss of my husband and now my sons." The Ruth Scroll Ruth replied, "Orpah has spoken wisely. She is still young enough to remarry but I am not. I cannot return to my people because they taken my beloved Mahlon from me. I reject my people as surely as I renounced the Moabite gods on the day of my marriage. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. I take an oath before the Invisible God I have chosen and pledge that nothing but death will separate us." "You know not what you ask, my daughter. Have not the events of yesterday proven to you that it is the lot of the children of Israel to be despised by the nations around them and to suffer such persecution that we are required on a periodic basis to flee our adopted homes? We were slaves in Egypt for many years but we escaped only by the mighty outstretched hand of the LORD. My forefathers were forced to wander in the desert for a generation and were oppressed by the Moabites, the Edomites, the Ammonites and the sons of Amalek. You will assume these burdens upon yourself if you take up the worship of the True God and walk beside me the rest of your life." When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to stay with her, she relented. She gathered together their meager possessions for the long journey back to Bethlehem. The arduous journey by the shores of the Salt Sea was broken only by the cool shade of the oasis of Ein Gedi. There they took their rest and spent almost all their remaining silver upon a small jar of Ein Gedi perfume and enough food to complete their journey. Upon arrival in Bethlehem, they took up residence in the gates of the town with the lowest classes of the city. Gossip concerning the two women spread quickly. Some pitied the two women whose fortunes had fallen so low but many of the town's yentas rejoiced at Naomi's fall from prosperity. They taunted: "Behold the rags borne by Naomi and that Moabite slut daughter of hers. Those Moabite fashions are truly hideous and their cloth does not wear long and well. They haven't learned a thing in Moab since our ancestors passed through their land in the time of our Prophet Moses." Others said: "Naomi's humbled state is the will of the LORD, for she is now punished for her unreasonable demands upon her husband's putz." And still other said: "The nerve of that social-climbing Moabite daughter-in-law, trying to marry into an Ephratite clan." Among the few who took pity upon Naomi and Ruth was Zalman ben Zonah, the moneylender. "I need someone to secure the property your husband pledged to me twenty-five years ago. You may sojourn on the property until either your pledge is redeemed or until I am forced to return your property in the Year of Jubilee. I have more than made the interest due from the sale of produce from your lands so I now show mercy on the widow of Elimelech. I remind you that the principle is still due unto me. If you wish to redeem the property prior to the Year of Jubilee, you must repay me in full, every shekel of what you owe. Now, be gone and let me foreclose on my other debtors." The two women left the gates of Bethlehem to inspect Naomi's former property, a half-hour's journey outside Bethlehem. Bitterness grew in Naomi's heart as she surveyed the neglected olive trees and undressed figs that were once her beloved Elimelech's pride. She sat on the steps of the now-dilapidated house and began to weep. Ruth sat beside her and comforted Naomi with these words: "Weep only for our husbands who have gone to rest with their fathers. They cannot be restored to us but we have gained our independence from the charity of strangers. We will clean and repair this house and call it our home. Furthermore, we will harvest whatever these neglected trees will yield and have oil and fruit for nourishment." With those words of encouragement, Ruth replaced the door upon its hinges and began to sweep the interior of the house. Within days, the two women had made the house habitable and had harvested enough olives and dates to make oil and cakes. Naomi's remaining silver soon became depleted and they could no longer afford to buy meal for in the city market. Naomi fell again into depression, predicting starvation and an unhappy end to their lives. "Do not fear Mother Naomi. I have seen an abundant field of barley nearby where the harvesters have begun their work. I will go and glean barley in order that we will continue to have bread in our mouths." So Ruth began her backbreaking work of gathering what little barley she could in the corners of the fields left by the harvesters. The poor of Bethlehem had preceded her by two days to harvest the corners, leaving little behind. Whilst Ruth toiled in the fields, Boaz, the field's owner, was overseeing the harvest accompanied by his trusted manservant, Og the eunuch. He chanced to inspect the field where Ruth toiled in the sun. Upon assurance that his hired help were not slacking, Boaz turned his attention to the gleaners, fearing that they might be stealing him blind. "Praise the Name of the LORD, Og! See that cute redheaded chick gleaning in my field? I have not seen before such a beauty amongst all the women of Bethlehem. I must talk to her. Do you know who she is?" Og bowed to his Master. "If it pleases my lord Boaz, she is Ruth of Moab, the widow of Mahlon, a former son of Bethlehem. She lives with her mother, the widow Naomi, on Naomi's ancestral lands at the whim of Zalman ben Zonah, to whom the lands are pledged. Naomi and Ruth have returned from Moab in such impoverished circumstances that they must scavenge whatever is left on the land after your workers have harvested." "Naomi is a kinsman of mine and Ruth is family by marriage. May God forbid that one of my own family should be so destitute as to grovel for whatever husks my hirelings have dropped on the ground. Og, you will take Ruth forthwith to a far corner of my field untouched by the harvesters or other gleaners. You will keep her safe from being molested by the Amalekites I have hired to assist with the harvest. When she thirsts, you will bring her water from the jars I have set out for the workers. When the sixth hour is upon us, bring her to me so that she may refresh herself with the workers. Ruth laboured diligently under the watchful eye of Og. Og explained that he posed no threat because he was the faithful manservant of Boaz who commanded him to keep Ruth under his protection. At the appointed hour, Og brought Ruth to the place where Boaz' cook had prepared the noontime meal. When she sat down with the harvesters, Boaz hurried over and offered her some roasted grain and whispered in her ear "Don't sit with these rude workers in the sun. Sit with me under the tree and share my food." "My Lord Boaz does honour me too much already with the watchful eye of his trusted manservant and now he proposes to honour me with his own presence. Why does he do this since I am a foreigner from Moab and a mere widow?" "It is I who should express gratitude because I have heard of your good deeds. You have brought my kinsman Naomi safely back to Bethlehem. I love Naomi as a sister, but it is you, Ruth, who interests me. Why would a woman of Moab journey to a hick town in the hills of Ephratah unless it was out of concern for her mother? I wish to learn the news of Moab from you and to learn of their customs. The Bethlehem Board of Trade has appointed me to explore the possibilities of exporting our abundant grain to that country. I must learn the nuances of the Moab dialect. Og, bring us some wine for refreshment!" Having spirited Ruth away from the workers, Boaz relished his private time with his red-headed dish. Boaz rubbed shoulders with Ruth, sitting as close as he could. Of course, their thighs could not help but touch as he reached over to the plate of pita bread Og had placed strategically out of reach. Boaz broke and blessed the bread with a hamotzi prayer. When he handed Ruth her half of the pita, Boaz took extra care to caress the back of her hand. Boldness sprang up in the heart of Boaz. Taking Ruth's hand in his, he guided her hand to the bowl. "This is the manner in which the people of Bethlehem dip the bread in the oil and hyssop. These are the customs of the Ephratites that you must now follow. Another custom is we wash down the bread with wine. Og! Bring another flagon of wine forthwith." So, Boaz plied Ruth with wine until she ate and drank all she wanted and there was still food and wine left over. As Ruth got up to glean, Boaz packed up the leftovers, saying "These are for you and your mother. Please greet Naomi in the name of her kinsman, Boaz." When Ruth was safely out of earshot, Boaz ordered his workers: "Even if this Moabite woman gathers among the sheaves, don't try and get rid of her. Rather, pull out some stalks for her from the bundles and leave them for her to pick up. Most of all, don't reproach her or your next job will be forking dung in my stables." The hired men smirked as they trudged to the fields and discussed how blatantly Boaz' hands were all over the new gleaner. Boaz obviously had the hots for the new gleaner or why else would he favour the redhead over the others? They all agreed that Boaz was a dirty old man. On the other hand, his money was good so it was best to keep quiet about what was going on. So Ruth gleaned in the field until evening. Og assisted Ruth to thresh the barley she had gathered and it amounted to about an ephah. Og accompanied Ruth back to her mother's home to ensure her safety on her journey. As they walked together, Ruth expressed her curiosity about the large man accompanying her. "I have spent my midday break with my lord Boaz and he has revealed much of himself. Yet, I know nothing of you, oh Og. You are truly well-spoken and kind. Obviously, you have gained much knowledge and culture. Why do you remain in bondage, working at the beck and call of my lord Boaz?" "I was once the slave of an Egyptian general in Pharaoh's army. Whilst my master was away on a military campaign, I consented to the entreaties of my master's wife. In truth, isn't a slave obliged to obey his mistress? Thereupon, I obeyed the similar requests of my master's daughters in turn. I would have proceeded along the same lines with the sons except that my mistress heard that her husband was returning in victory and came to the reasonable conclusion that my life was in danger. In gratitude for my services during her husband's absence, my mistress saved my life from being forfeit to my master's wrath. She hid me in the Temple of Amun-Ra until such time as Pharaoh decided to send my master to loot and pillage a neighbouring country. During my period of sequestration, the priests of Amun-Ra advertised for a eunuch to guard the priestesses of Isis. Since there were no volunteers for the position and I was a fugitive, safe only at the mercy of the priests, I had little choice in the matter. So I took up my post as the chief eunuch of the Temple of Isis. As a servant of the Temple of Isis, the priests of Amun-Ra initiated me into the mysteries of the Egyptian religion and their healing arts. I remained as the temple eunuch until the day my ex-master's next military expedition ended disastrously. The Egyptians were defeated by the dreaded Hyksos who raided the Temple of Isis in our city. Don't get me wrong. I was as dedicated as the next eunuch to protecting the priestesses but an entire army was out there banging on the temple doors. I surrendered along with the priestesses of Isis. Together, we were sold as slaves to the highest bidder, an Amalekite caravan heading north. They peddled the priestesses along the route but they couldn't sell a eunuch such as me at any price. When they finally reached Bethlehem, the Amalekites lost their patience and sold me for almost nothing to Boaz." "Do you ever miss Egypt, living here in such a primitive land? I have heard that the Egyptians are so sophisticated and their culture is so rich." "It is far better to be a slave in this primitive land than in cultured Egypt for this reason. Boaz is an adept in his religion of the Invisible God. As a result, Boaz is a most enlightened master. This religion has certain rules regarding the owning of slaves, which do not exist in Egypt. He tells me that his Invisible God keeps reminding him that his own forefathers were once slaves in Egypt as I was. My Lord Boaz treats me with respect and kindness. I get every seventh day off, which is a benefit that neither the Egyptians nor the Amalekites included in their working conditions. When my seven years as his slave are completed, I will remain with Boaz and ask him to teach me the mysteries of the religion of the Invisible God." By the end of Og's life story, Ruth and Og had reached the door of Naomi's house. Og left Ruth and her ephah of grain on the doorstep and departed in haste for his master's house. Naomi was astonished when she saw how much grain Ruth had gathered. Then Ruth also brought out from her sack the leftovers from Boaz' lunch after she had eaten and drunk enough. Naomi demanded of Ruth, "This isn't the result of regular everyday gleaning activity. Where did you glean today and what did you do to get this food and drink? Exactly what have you been up to?" Then Ruth told Naomi all that had befallen her that day and about the one at whose place she had been working. "The name of the man whose field in which I worked today is Boaz. He is the one who plied me with wine and fed me such morsels. He set his manservant Og to watch over me to ensure that I would not be molested. He even said to me, 'Stay with my workers until they finish harvesting all my grain.' It was Boaz' manservant Og who walked with me this evening and kept me safe from harm." "The LORD's Name be Praised!" Naomi exclaimed. "Boaz is family, somewhere around third or fourth cousin by my quick calculation. Take Boaz' advice and glean only in his fields. I have a feeling that only good for us all will ensue from your meeting today." So Ruth stayed close to the servant girls of Boaz to glean until the barley harvest was finished. Ruth said, "The harvest of wheat commences and I go to glean wheat. We will have wheat bread to eat and not only this coarse barley bread and fig-cakes." Whereupon, Naomi said to Ruth, "If we will have wheat bread to eat, I think that we should indulge ourselves completely. I haven't had a morsel of meat since the day we left Beit-Baal-Peor." "But, mother Naomi, how can we afford meat when we are so destitute? The LORD forbids us to eat of the wild boar that the Philistines or my former countrymen in Moab consume in great quantity. I'm comfortable with that rule because, when I eat pork, it goes right to my hips. Can the Invisible God we have followed to Bethlehem provide kosher meat for our table?" Dr. Lajeunesse made a note in the margin: "I find that Ruth has provided a more plausible explanation for the laws of kashrut than the usual 'someone in ancient times got sick from eating pork and shellfish.' Women were the queens of the kitchen and they had the power and responsibility to exclude food from their diet that didn't flatter their bodies." "Yes, He shall provide for us and a clean animal will be driven right into our waiting arms. The Fast of the Day of Atonement is upon us. On that day when my brethren are afflicting themselves and fasting, we shall enjoy a goat such as you have never before eaten. The mother of Orpah gave me a divine recipe for goat on pita." The Day of Atonement dawned clear and cool so that nothing obstructed the view of the two women hidden in the trees outside the gates of the town. Toward the third hour, the Priest and the Levites emerged with an Ephratite leading two fatted yearling goats. After lengthy prayers that were inaudible to the two women, the Priest produced the sacred Urim and Thummim from the folds of his ephod. He threw the Holy Dice upon the ground and, upon examination of the result, declared "The sacred lot has fallen upon this beast!" The Levites led the sullen goat back through the gates of the town leaving the sole Ephratite with the remaining goat. The Ephratite waited until the gates of the town closed and then delivered a sharp slap upon the rump of the remaining goat. "Begone to Azazel and take the sins of the people of Bethlehem with you," he shouted after the startled creature. The goat, sensing his fortunate escape from sacrifice, skipped happily to the forest, right into the waiting arms of Naomi and Ruth, as Naomi had prophesied. The slaughter and roasting of the goat took all afternoon so that Ruth and Naomi did not break the Holy Fast ordained by the LORD. Naomi and Ruth's appetites were sated by the meal and the wine of Boaz until both women grew quite mellow. It was then that Ruth confided in her mother concerning another appetite. "Mother Naomi, I say this with all respect to your companionship and to the memory of your son and my late husband, Mahlon. However, it is a year since a man has come in unto me. My loins feel an emptiness that only a man can fill. In addition, my childbearing years will soon end and I have not provided you with an heir to your lands. I knew not what I was saying on the day I vowed to follow the LORD, that I would not find a husband. Now I desire once more to take a husband." "I agree that taking a husband will not nullify your sacred oath to the LORD but what can possibly be your prospects, my daughter. I am a poor widow, my lands are pledged to another and I cannot provide a dowry. Did I not predict that you would never find another husband because of me?" "I do have prospects, mother Naomi. Whilst gleaning in the fields I have met two men who interest me. One is Og the eunuch, whom you have met. Og is so handsome, so smooth of skin and so cultured and knowledgeable. I feel greatly protected and safe whilst I am in his presence. The other man is Boaz, the master of Og and your kinsman. Even though he is much older than I am, the man is handsome and fit for his years. The waters of lust flow in my loins when he is near. There is more to it than mere lust. Boaz treats me as an equal, unlike the men of Moab, and his kindness to me knows no bounds. Whom do you advise me to choose?" Naomi just shook her head at her daughter's naivety. Pureness and innocence posed a handicap at certain times. Naomi explained to the young woman in detail how a eunuch achieved his situation and why Og could never fill the emptiness in her loins. Naomi concluded: "So you see that Og's master, Boaz, is a much better choice for a woman of childbearing years to pursue. I have a plan that will bring us both what we yearn for. In a week, the wheat harvest will be concluded and the owner of the fields is obliged to throw a party. This is the Festival of the Latter Fruits, known as Sukkoth in my language. The harvesters are obliged to spend the night in the shelters they have built for the harvest. This act honours the memory of the 40 years that my forefathers spent wandering in the desert, resting only in temporary dwellings. On that day, you will not glean in the fields but you will stay at home. I will give you instructions that will provide you with a husband and, at the same time, redeem my land for me." The entire week, Ruth worked diligently in the fields, bringing home the wheat in the evening. The leftover goat nourished Ruth and filled out the curves in her body, restoring her sleek appearance of her former days. For Ruth had acquired a certain gauntness during her arduous journey to Bethlehem. As Ruth grew ever more desirable in the eyes of Boaz, he persisted in his advances at the noonday meal. Ruth resisted Boaz for the whole week as Naomi, her mentor, advised. Finally, the day of the Festival of Sukkoth dawned. Naomi began her final instructions to Ruth. The Ruth Scroll "Today, you will not put on your working clothes but the clothes I give you to wear. There will be much dancing and winebibbing at the Festival tonight but you will stay on the sidelines. You will neither dance nor drink nor talk to any man. When the party winds down, watch carefully where Boaz goes to spend the night. Take care that no one sees you enter his sukkah (temporary shack) to lie down beside him. The rest will come naturally to you, if your mother has truly revealed the secret of Moabite women to you and the waters of lust do flow in your loins. I have prepared a bath for you and I will set out the clothes I have chosen to display your ample assets and so win the heart of Boaz. When you have bathed, I shall set your hair in the most becoming style. Then we will open the vial of perfume that we purchased in Ein Gedi to anoint your breasts and the nape of your neck. Let us get to work because you have a long night ahead of you." Naomi slept not the whole night of the Festival, awaiting Ruth's return. Naomi pondered in her heart whether her instructions to the naïve Ruth had been sufficiently explicit. When Ruth had not arrived by noon, Naomi began to be alarmed. She kept reassuring herself that Ruth was bright enough to not dally and be seduced by one of the common workers. If Ruth could not suppress her lusts sufficiently and keep her favours only for Boaz, then Naomi's plan would fail. Finally in the late afternoon, Ruth returned with the pleasures of the night written clearly in the smile upon her face. Naomi greeted her: "How did it go, my daughter? It is writ large upon your visage that you have had success in your endeavours. Come sit by my side and assure me that you fulfilled my instructions to the detail. Tell me everything, my dear one. I must know that the man you have been with is my kinsman Boaz and not one of his hirelings." "As you predicted, mother Naomi, there was a great celebration at the threshing floor of Boaz to thank the LORD for a successful harvest. It was not difficult to remain at the periphery of the celebration as I was a mere gleaner and not one of the workers. The Amalekite women danced around the fire whilst the Amalekite men roasted one of their sheep over the fire in honour of their host. Boaz dispensed wine in ram's horns to the hirelings, save the Amalekites, whose desert code forbade them from imbibing strong drink. Neither meat nor drink was offered me, so that my head remained clear and my body prepared for the duties set before me that evening. Not so Boaz, who lingered overly long at the wine skins, in my opinion. The man's capacity for drink knows no bounds. He continued to make merry at the feast as, one by one, the Amalekite men left each to his own tent. Late in the evening when the fire had declined to a few glowing embers, Boaz announced that the wine was depleted and staggered away to his sukkah. The Amalekite women each chose a field worker for herself, leading her prey to his sukkah. As quickly as I could, I circled behind the threshing floor to the sukkah of Boaz. Quietly, I drew aside the curtain and entered. My eyes slowly adjusted to the little light that the palm fronds on the roof allowed to enter. Locating Boaz in the dim light was easy due to his loud snoring and the odour of cheap wine that he expelled with each breath. As I surveyed my quarry, I heard footsteps approach and presently one of the Amalekite women attempted to gain entry to the sukkah. Adopting my best Amalekite accent, I hissed through the curtain: 'Be gone sister. This one is mine, all mine this night. Search among his workers for your prey.' My rival departed to another sukkah. I did then lay down on the blanket that his servant Og had prepared beside Boaz' prone body. Cuddling beside him and throwing my arm on his chest did nothing to wake the man. Yea, Boaz was truly shit-faced. The silence of the evening dissipated as sighs and groans began to emanate from the adjoining sukkoth. I could make out subtle Amalekite-accented whispers of love spoken from lip to adjacent ear as the Amalekite women plied their trade upon the simple hirelings. Even though I knew that the words of the Amalekite women were insincere, their whispers encouraged feelings within me suppressed since my Mahlon was wrested from me in such an untimely manner. I decided to gauge the depths of Boaz' unconsciousness and ran my hand along his hairy shin. Sensing no reaction, I became bolder and put my hand under his robe and caressed his thighs. Boaz continued to snore quite peacefully, each breath bringing an eruption of wine-smelling gases. Emboldened further, I pulled up the hem of his garment with one hand in order to reach further up the man's thigh. My hand encountered a vast forest of hair that curled up, surrounding what appeared to my hand to be a limp rope of sufficient thickness to secure the large ships moored off Ashkelon. I placed my hand on the rope and, to my surprise, the rope thickened and lengthened until it seemed as if I held a wooden staff in my hand. I pulled the hem of the man's garment over the tip of the object in my hand and beheld his erect member, glistening even in the faint light. The sight caused my loins to further moisten as I recalled the many pleasures I received nightly from the same organ of Mahlon. I desired, yea my loins ached for, such pleasures again. Yet, I feared whether such a large object as the member of Boaz could ever enter within my loins. Consequently, I took measures to ease the fit. I endeavored to add moisture to the job by taking his member unto my mouth. As best I could, I caressed Boaz' sex with my tongue and still he awoke not from his slumber. Curious as to how deeply the man could sleep, I embarked upon another test. I straddled his loins, pulled up the hem of my robe and placed his member upon my own nakedness. I spread my nakedness as wide as I could and did place the tip of his member, as round and bulbous as a pomegranate, upon my vulnerable place. I pushed and gasped as the man's member spread my hips apart. At the moment I believed I could endure the pain no longer, the man entered me with a squishy noise. Immediately, I felt the same wave of pleasure emanating from my loins that once your son Mahlon nightly provided me. It flowed overwhelmingly through my body and would not cease as I allowed more and more of Boaz to enter me. I pushed him in further still which triggered such deep waves of pleasure that my head was thrown back, letting my hair touch his toes. Even such tickling was insufficient to wake Boaz. As the wave of pleasure subsided, I began to move up and down upon his member to see if I could create one more wave of pleasure. I felt a small wave begin again so I began to thrash around with Boaz inside me until the pleasurable wave crashed in force upon me and I collapsed upon Boaz' chest. Boaz did not awake nor did he plant his seed within me. I was totally exhausted, hot and covered with perspiration from my efforts. I pulled off my robe and lay as close to Boaz as I could. I slept as I have not slept since my last night beside my Mahlon. Even Boaz' snoring could not dispel the peace that my body felt. I awoke in the morning because my lord Boaz began to stir. He raised himself on his elbow and called out to his manservant. 'Og! Can you come here and quickly help me, please? My mouth tastes like it's filled with donkey shit and the entire Jesubite army marcheth through my skull.' Then he rolled on his back, letting his arm flop on my breast. He sat up with a start at the sight of a naked woman lying beside him. 'How did you get in here and, uh, exactly what happened last night?' I answered 'I am your servant Ruth and I attempted to repay your many kindnesses to me and to Naomi with the pleasures that only a Moabite woman can provide. Unfortunately, my lord Boaz felt no pleasure last night due to the copious amount of wine he imbibed. I pleasured myself many times upon your stiff member but you did not respond by giving me your seed. Spread now the corner of your garment over me as I grow cold. Come into me to receive the love I bring. Spill your seed within my body as I wish to bear your child. You are my kinsman-redeemer.' Boaz' hand shook I know not whether from his condition or from excitement. He covered my nakedness with his robe and slowly began to respond to my advances when the curtain covering the door of the sukkah parted. It was Boaz' manservant Og, bearing a plate of fruit, a flagon of water and some freshly-cut willow branches. Og winked at me and then offered the willow branches and water to his master. 'Chew upon these, my lord, to relieve the pain that throbeth within your head. I have learned of this therapy from the priests of Amun-Ra and it has never failed to relieve a hangover.' Dr. Altman scribbled a note to Dr. Lajeunesse: 'The works of Hippocrates mention chewing the willow as having efficacy in reducing the pain of childbirth. I will discuss with Kravitz in Pharmacology how much acetylsalicylic acid a branch of willow contains and whether this would be enough to relieve a red wine hangover. This may require inserting a footnote to the effect that that this scroll proves Hippocrates obtained the willow cure from the Egyptian priests.' 'I have brought my lady some sustenance as she must feel hunger after her strenuous work last evening. I noted that she ate nothing at the festival. Would she also like a blanket to shield her naked body from the cool of the morning?' The willow seemed to relieve the ills of Boaz. He asked Og, 'What is your news of the day? Do the Amalekites remain encamped on my property? Have the workers returned to their homes? I implore you that Ruth must leave my sukkah without being seen.' 'The Amelikites have decamped during the night, as is their custom. They have taken no more than their fair share of the grain, as you agreed with their chief. However, the local men remain each in his own sukkah ashamed to leave. It appears that the Amalekite women have stolen away in the night along with the Amalakite men and have taken the workers' garments with them as booty.' 'Go quickly to ben Chayat at the general store. Obtain sufficient clothes for the men so their wives do not discern their dalliance with the Amalekite women. Of course, I will dock their pay for whatever ben Chayat supplies you. You will tell the men that they're lucky the Amalekite women didn't make off with the rest of their wages as well.' As the curtain of the sukkah closed behind Og, Boaz smiled in a manner I had not seen him smile before. 'Well, too bad about the men hanging around all day. It looks as if you'll have to stay with me in my sukkah until the evening. All my fellow townsmen know that you are a woman of noble character. We can't spoil that impression, can we, by having you leave in the full sight of my workers.' Then he summarily disrobed and pulled the blanket from me. His eyes lingered admiringly over my whole body. He embraced me and we rolled over the blanket, laughing like children as we did so. Boaz savoured the Ein Gedi perfume with which you anointed me. He pleasured my breasts and my whole body with his hands. His kisses were sweet. Yea, he did smother my face and my whole body with his kisses. He did kiss me on so many parts of my body that I am truly ashamed to tell even you, mother Naomi, where they were planted. I had no warning whereupon Boaz parted my legs and did enter me with extreme haste. Fortunately, his kisses had released within me the waters of lust or I would have cried out in pain, revealing the secret of my presence to all outside. He thrust himself into me as far as possible and released his seed that he denied me the previous evening. Then he removed his still hard member and lay on his back. His member waved in the air as it glistened in the morning light. Our coupling terminated so quickly that I was truly disappointed. Boaz had come unto me and left as quickly again as a young man. I had had no opportunity to employ my Moabite secret technique on Boaz, as you instructed me. Where was the patience during coupling that I was told to expect of an older man? I speak of the differences between older and younger men not of my own experience, of course, but the words that came from the lips of my mother and your daughter Orpah. My disappointment evaporated as Boaz again resumed spreading his kisses over my body, again and again upon the most private parts of my body. He did enter me many times thereafter in several different manners, bringing me untold pleasures and manifold opportunities to pleasure Boaz with the secrets of Moab. Even my secret weapon could not quench the enthusiasm of Boaz. Yea, it appeared to merely ignite his passions to a higher degree. The man is as ingenious in coupling with a woman as he is truly relentless. Furthermore, he can withhold his seed longer than I can endure his member within me. Several times I cried out in pain to him to cease his thrusting and plant his seed within me forthwith. He entered and thrust his member inside me so many times that I laid aside the hidden secret of the women of Moab. Towards the evening, I merely succumbed passively to the man. I received his seed every time we coupled that day, unlike the previous evening. As the sun set upon the fields, Boaz was finally spent of seed. We dressed and he took me unto his storehouse of grain, saying 'I must not let a woman leave my presence empty-handed after giving me such pleasure. Furthermore, I feel compelled to redeem the land of Naomi so that I may forever receive the pleasures you give. According to the laws of our people, you will be thrown in to the deal for free upon purchase of Naomi's lands. I will take you as my wife and you will do that thing to me again as soon as possible.' Thereupon, he poured six measures of grain into my shawl. Behold the six measures of grain that has cost me dearly. On the way from the fields of Boaz, each step has caused me great pain. I am exhausted and my innards ache from the size of the man and the force with which he entered me so many times today. I am so sore from Boaz that I can only walk with great difficulty. My thighs are as raw and red as my hair. My nakedness doth burn like the fires of Sheol each and every time I relieve myself." Naomi kept her silence up to this point but she could stifle her words no longer. "The words you have spoken to me concerning the performance of Boaz are true. I have heard the same tales about him from the women of Bethlehem who taunted me that I would never experience pleasures with Boaz such as they knew. Now I am vindicated because you are a woman of Moab and Boaz shall cleave to you for the rest of his days. Depart from me to your room so I may ponder the events you have related. Trust me on this one. The man will not rest until these matters are settled." After Ruth departed from her presence, Naomi barred the door of her room. Furtively, she opened a hidden niche in the wall, removing a sacred Canaanite phallus from its hiding place. Hebrew women were forbidden by the Law from owning such objects. Naomi prayed that the LORD would forgive this one little sin because the phallus provided Naomi the only sexual pleasure she knew until her marriage to Elimelech. Elimelech was gone and now the phallus represented her only avenue of release from the burning desires that Ruth's retelling of her encounter with Boaz had rekindled. Naomi placed a cushion from her bed upon the rug and the phallus on top of the cushion. With one knee on either side of the cushion, she lifted the hem of her robe and placed her hand upon her damp mound of grey hair to part her nakedness. She lowered herself to permit the phallus to penetrate her loins. Within her nakedness she found her tiny nub of desire. Naomi tickled and rubbed her sex as her mind dwelt on Ruth's recounting of her night of pleasure. Naomi imagined that the cushion was the unconscious Boaz and the Canaanite cult object was his shlong. With her free hand, Naomi caressed her own breast in the manner of Boaz, as Ruth had described. Waves of pleasure cascaded over her such as she had not known since she last lay with Elimelech. In this manner, Naomi spent the evening consumed in imaginary reverie pleasuring herself. On the morrow, Boaz went up to the town gate and sat there. He waited until his second cousin Zevel ben Calvah came through the gates. Boaz said, "Come over here, my cousin, and sit down." So Zevel went over and sat down. Boaz took ten elders of the town and said, "Please come and sit with me and hear what I have to say" And so they did. Then Boaz said to Zevel, "Naomi, who has returned from Moab, is selling the piece of land that she inherited and which was managed by her husband Elimelech, of blessed memory. I thought we should have a little chat about it, in case you wished to strike a deal with Naomi. Since there are many witnesses here, including the elders of Bethlehem, you can make the purchase right now. Not that I'm putting any pressure on you but I wanted you to have the first crack at Naomi's land, since you're her closest relative. If you don't buy it, I'm next in line to buy the land. Tell me yea or nay so I can buy it while the elders are present to notarize the transaction." "I know Naomi's land. When I was a child, it yielded the choicest olives and figs in all Ephratah. Right now, the olive trees need to be pruned, the figs dressed and the house is definitely a fixer-upper. With a bit of work, I'm certain that I can reap great profit from Naomi's property. I'll buy it," Zevel said. Boaz smiled at how perfectly he had manipulated the situation. Now he was ready to blindside Zevel ben Calvah with some unpleasant facts. "There's one minor little lien on the land with which you really needn't concern yourself. Mahlon, Elimelech and Naomi's eldest son, is the rightful heir to the property. Unfortunately, Mahlon was killed in the Chemosh riots last year in Moab. His widow is Ruth and she became the rightful owner of the property upon the death of Naomi's first-born. On the day you acquire the land, according to the law given by the LORD to the Prophet Moses, you acquire the dead man's widow, Ruth of Moab, in order to maintain the name of the dead with his property." Zevel ben Calvah's face drained of its colour and his knees weakened. He gulped and barely managed to say, "Um, can I back out of this deal? I haven't told you this but I'm betrothed to Malkah, daughter of the richest man in Bethlehem. If I marry Ruth, I'll never get my hands on Malkah's property. Plus, my father will disown me for marrying a woman from Moab. Even after two hundred years, he hasn't forgotten that little bit of unpleasantness between our forefathers and Balaam, king of Moab. You appreciate, Boaz, that the numbers just aren't there if I redeem Naomi's property. As the next closest relative, can you redeem the property instead?" Boaz inwardly smiled because ben Calvah's reaction was according to plan. Zevel ben Calvah removed his sandal and handed it over to Boaz to seal the deal. Now in earlier times in Israel, for the redemption and transfer of property to become final, one party took off his sandal and gave it to the other. This was the how a sale was notarized before there were lawyers in the land of Israel. So Zevel ben Calvah said to Boaz, "Buy it yourself." Then Boaz announced to the elders and all the people, "Today you are witnesses that I have purchased from Naomi all the property of Elimelech, Chilion and Mahlon. I have also acquired Ruth the Moabitess, as my wife, in order to maintain the name of the dead with his property, so that his name will not disappear from among his family or from the records at the town hall. Today you are witnesses!" The Ruth Scroll Then the elders and all those at the gate said, "We are witnesses. The sale of land and the marriage are hereby approved." The wedding feast followed within days. The LORD had blessed Boaz with an abundant harvest because of his kindness to Ruth and Naomi. The his guests ate and drank their fill. Boaz kept his head that night and did not join his guests at the wineskins. He did pleasure Ruth many times on their wedding night and Ruth, in turn, employed the Moabite secret to pleasure Boaz mightily. As the elders staggered away from the wedding feast, they pronounced this blessing on the house of Boaz: "May the LORD make that cute chick who came into your home like Rachel and Leah, who together built up the house of Israel. May you have standing in Ephratah and be famous in Bethlehem. Through the offspring the LORD gives you by Ruth, may your family be like that of Perez, whom Tamar bore to Yehuda. " Thus did Boaz take Ruth and she became his wife. In the month of Tammuz, nine months to the day after the Feast of Sukkoth, Ruth gave birth to a man child. They named the child Oved because he was the fruit of Ruth's labour in the sukkah as well as the fruit of Boaz' loins. Naomi spent countless hours rocking the child in her lap and caring for him. Because Naomi doted so openly over her grandson, the yentas of Bethlehem wagged their tongues saying "Naomi has a son. The child is Naomi's and not the offspring of her slut Moabite daughter. For this reason, Boaz was forced to redeem Naomi's lands." They spread the rumour that Naomi was the true mother of Oved out of jealousy because they lost the services of Boaz to a younger woman. This, then, is the family line of Perez, the firstborn of Yehuda and Tamar: Perez was the father of Chezron, Chezron the father of Ram, Ram the father of Ahminadav, Ahminadav the father of Nachshon, Nachshon the father of Salman. Salman was the father of Boaz and Boaz was the father of Oved. The lands of Boaz and Naomi passed to their first-born Oved. Oved's first-born was Yeshai and it was Yeshai who inherited the lands of Naomi and Boaz. Yeshai was the father of David, who is armour-bearer to Shaul, king over all Israel. David is not the first-born of Yeshai, so he cannot inherit the lands of his great-great grandmother, Naomi. For this reason, David forsook olive pruning and goat herding, seeking a career change as a general in the army of Israel. These words are written because of the scurrilous rumour afoot in the land that David is a landless momser and the family of Yeshai are momserim. It is furthermore untrue that David and his family are worshippers of Chemosh. His great-grandmother Ruth forsook the abomination of Moab upon her marriage and was true to the LORD, the One True God, all the days of her life. Dr. Lajeunesse discussed her findings with her superior and mentor, Dr. Aviatar Altman, in Dr. Altman's office. Little had changed in Israel after three thousand years. The staff at Hebrew University gossiped about the close relationship between the two scholars the same way the women of Bethlehem speculated about Boaz, Naomi and Ruth. The only difference was that the rumours about Drs. Altman and Lajeunesse were quite true. The two eminent scholars had been getting it on since their co-discovery of the long-lost Tamar Scroll. When they weren't exploring Dead Sea caves for new scrolls, they explored each other's body in detail. Today, the two scholars were all business, focusing their attention on the Ruth Scroll. Dr. Altman corrected some minor errors in the Hebrew text and added some notations that would form the footnotes when they published the new scroll. Finally, he looked up and flashed a smile that was half scholarly approval and half "your place or mine tonight?" "This scroll is of quite ancient origin, despite a few interpolations by later scribes. Given its ancient date of writing, the language in vernacular translations should respect the age in which it was written. I have some reservations about the numerous colloquial terms you've inserted in the English translation. Shouldn't we rethink some of your phraseology such as 'shit-faced'? That's merely one example I could cite." "I might remind you, Dr. Altman, of the Yiddish words you inserted into the same translation, even though the Yiddish language was unknown until well into the Second Millennium CE. My reasons for using English and French colloquialisms is that I found a number of obscure Hebrew words and terms that I couldn't readily translate into English. From the context I tried to determine their closest equivalents in modern languages. If I may quote your textbook on Classical Hebrew, 'Hebrew has been the property of prophets, rabbis and assorted holy men for thousands of years with the result that the modern Hebrew language is almost sanitary with its limited vocabulary of earthy curses.' My preference is to leave in the blue language in order to alert the English reader to the scroll's authentic origins. The obscure phrases I have translated as cuss words are a philological method of dating this scroll. "I don't dispute your point at all, Dr. Lajeunesse, but there is more precise evidence than ancient foul-mouthery to date the scroll. The last two paragraphs date this scroll after the end of the rule of the Shoftim and during the monarchy of Shaul. There is no mention of David's later careers as a bandit in the environs of Ein Gedi and then as a Philistine protégé, nor is there a hint of that later unpleasantness with Bathsheva and Uriah the Hittite. This is one of the most ancient pieces of writing that can be dated with such exactitude. I'm as certain that this scroll was written near the beginning of the First Millennium BCE as I'm certain you're a beautiful woman." Dr. Lajeunesse looked at her superior. "Have you reached any other conclusions, Dr. Altman?" "Yes. I'm curious about this sexual secret of Moabite women. Can you please come to my apartment this evening and help me with a scientific experiment? With a little bit of effort, I believe that we can recover the secret of Moab. My current theory is that the secret hasn't really been lost but resides in the women of Quebec."