1 comments/ 13206 views/ 3 favorites The Outsider Ch. 00 By: caligula97236 "The Outsider" is my sixth novel and follows the lives of two protagonists, Mike Sinclair and Ruthie Burns. Mike Sinclair appeared briefly in the beginning chapters of "The Freshman" as Lisa Campbell's original boyfriend, but I had Lisa break up with him and banished him to California when I felt that his presence in the novel was slowing down the plot. Mike continued to stay in the back of my mind as a possible future protagonist however, assuming that I ever wanted to write a story that takes place in California. * Ruthie is a totally new character, but elements of her appear in the characters of previous novels: most notably Kathleen from "The Pledge Mistress" and Wendy Li from "The Wanderings of Amy". I created Ruthie because I am interested in using her to explore serious topics such as non-verbal communication disorder, depression, suicidal fantasies, the impact of religion, struggles with sexuality, and class resentment. From the beginning the reader will know that Ruthie is at odds with early 21st Century U.S. society. She is an outcast, and in the story serves as a metaphor of a society that created her and then rejected her. Mike finds himself in a similar situation, although not to the extreme that Ruthie does. I am fully aware that my newest novel is not for everyone who visits this website. It might disappoint some of the readers of my previous novels, because the world of erotic fantasy that I have created in the previous works of fiction is not part of the setting in which Mike and Ruthie must make their way through life. Some of the places and characters of my previous novels (most notably Lisa Campbell from "The Freshman") are mentioned in passing, but are not central to the development of "The Outsider". "The Outsider" was my most deliberate attempt to write a serious novel instead of a story concentrating on sexual fantasy and alternate reality. There is not much action or adventure, because the novel deals with the story of a friendship and the exploration of two lives against the backdrop of a decaying society. I did include some sexual scenes in the story, but purpose of the scenes was to further the plot. I commented to a reader that my previous novels were erotic stories with some political perspective and social commentary included as part of the backdrop, while "The Outsider is a novel focusing on social issues and political commentary with some eroticism mixed in. The project strives to examine the decline of the United States from the perspectives of Mike and Ruthie, and by extension their families. This is another difference between "The Outsider" and my previous novels: in my previous projects my characters all have families, but usually family members are not central to the main plot. In "The Outsider" the parents of Mike and Ruthie are much more important for what happens to my two protagonists, so I examine their lives and thoughts more thoroughly. I also go into more detailed descriptions of my protagonists' jobs, especially Mike's job, for reasons that will be clear at the end of the story. In the novel my characters make some personal choices that some readers will find disturbing. I tried to neither justify my characters nor criticize them, but I do try to explain the circumstances that surrounded their decisions. I leave it up to the reader to determine whether the actions taken by Mike, Ruthie, and their parents were "good" or "bad". I tried not to judge my characters and their actions, but I make no apologies for judging what is going on in the United States. I am horrified by the impact that globalization, commercialized evangelical Christianity, and the rise of mega-corporations such as Walmart have had on US society. I am just old enough to have seen how the US was before globalization and very strongly feel that nothing in the US has changed for the better since 1980. I feel that the changes in the US have destroyed the lives of the most worth-while and productive people in our country, and that old values such as the work ethic are no longer relevant. These opinions are reflected throughout the narrative of my sixth novel. My fictional corporation Mega-Town Associates makes an important appearance as part of the story's backdrop. Mega-Town Associates is loosely based on the real-life corporation Walmart, but it also is a representation of conglomerate-based economics and the "anything goes as long as it is profitable" philosophy. I have been accused by some readers of being against capitalism. I am not, but I am against the amoral capitalism practiced by predatory corporations such as Walmart. Another difference that readers will notice between "The Outsider" and previous novels is my treatment of religion. In my Danubia novels I am creating a world of alternate reality, of which the Danubian Church is a component of that fantasy. Because Danubia is a world that I created, I decided to create a state religion that makes sense for that society and populate it with well-meaning clerics that attempt to act in the best interests of their followers. I even leave open the possibility that the supernatural world can communicate with the realm of the living. In "The Outsider" I am not kind to religion. Ruthie and Mike come from different Christian denominations, but I make it clear that I do not feel that religion has been a positive influence in either of their lives. I am fully aware that my views on religion will bother some readers. However, I am drawing from my own experiences when I talk about both Mike's church and Ruthie's church. ---------- All places mentioned in the novel, with the exception of Davenport State University and a very brief mention of Danubia, exist in real life and are locations that I have actually lived in or visited. (Even Davenport, California is a real place; it's just that in real life there is no university there). Davenport State University is loosely based on the real one in Santa Cruz, but it is fictionalized because I don't want to deal with UCSC alumni telling me that this or that detail about their university is inaccurate. With everything else I attempted to keep the details of the story's setting in Central California as close to real life as possible. The Outsider Ch. 01 Chapter 1 - Parking Tickets Mike Sinclair and Ruthie Burns were students taking classes at the Davenport State University, just north of the town of Santa Cruz in California. The two students were among 50 others who were enrolled in a sophomore-level literature review class titled "British Prose 1902-1945". Almost everyone taking the course had no intention of studying literature, but the class counted to fill a humanities requirement and was considered an easy "A". The professor was old enough to realize that he had nothing to prove to anyone, and therefore did not make unrealistic demands of the students. Show up to class, read the books, be able to talk about them, and you're guaranteed an "A". Not a bad deal for anyone worried about their GPA. Mike was beginning his sophomore year. He was a native of California, from a family that had lived in Santa Cruz for decades. Although his parents had never changed their residence, he had traveled about on vacation with his relatives while still in high school, so he was familiar with a lot of different places around the US and the rest of the world. He was well-read and very knowledgeable, which led him to be extremely opinionated about everything. It was very difficult to find a topic that he was neutral about, so he was not the sort of student who mixed well in casual situations. However, if a person needed a study partner or someone on their side in a game of trivia pursuit, Mike was their man. Mike normally showed up to class wearing t-shirts with political logos; usually with a message against corporate capitalism. He bore particular resentment against the US conglomerate Mega-Town Associates. He was active in the anti-MTA group on campus and continuously passed out fliers condemning the company to anyone interested in taking one. It was obvious that in the class he would be one of the students getting an easy "A" because he clearly did read all of the books and had comments for each of them. Most of the other students were content to let Mike pontificate on the assignments, because if he was talking, the others could kick back and not worry about being called upon. Because of Mike's habit of commenting on everything, the professor was hard-pressed to get his more apathetic classmates to say more than a few words. If a student who didn't know the answer hesitated long enough, Mike would come to the rescue with a comment or hint. That habit was irritating to the professor whose job it was to sort the students who had done the reading from those who had not, but he respected Mike's command of the literature to not say anything to him about overshadowing his classmates. Ruthie was a freshman who had graduated from a high school in Salinas. She always sat up front near the window. She was extremely quiet and never talked unless called upon. During class she habitually stared at the world outside, but it was clear that she was paying attention to the lecture, because she always did know what to say if she was asked a question. There was no question she was a very strange girl, because she fidgeted whenever someone talked to her and never looked a person in the eye during a conversation. Another strange thing about her was her clothing, because she wore so little of it. A pair of old tennis shoes, loose running shorts, and a t-shirt normally were the only things Ruthie put on in the morning. When she sat down and the thin cloth of her t-shirt pressed against her body, it was clear that she was not wearing anything underneath. About once a week she wore even less, a pair of flip-flops and a flimsy dress that was totally open in the back clear down to her waist. She wore no jewelry and no make-up. Her black hair was short, which was good for her because usually it was not combed. Mike had noticed Ruthie, partly because of her abbreviated clothing and partly because, in spite of her lack of grooming, she was very attractive. She had a petite well-proportioned figure with slightly olive skin, very large dark eyes, and a mouth that was sensuous in a quiet way. He enjoyed looking at her, especially on the days she wore her skimpy dress, but at the same time never entertained thoughts about trying to talk to her. She was too withdrawn, no doubt, to be interesting to talk to. ---------- The semester progressed as Mike and Ruthie pursued their lives. They both fretted about their classes and their finances, had unpleasant moments with their respective roommates, and worked on term papers. Ruthie, in spite of her shyness, managed to get a job at the in the Student Center at the coffee shop. Starting the last week of September, she worked from 5:00 am until 11:00 am, taking responsibility for the initial cash count, setting up the equipment for the day, receiving food orders, and opening for business at 7:00. Two co-workers showed up at 7:00, but during the first two hours of each morning Ruthie usually worked alone, which she preferred. She took advantage of the solitude to listen to her favorite news show on Public Radio as she set up. When the newspapers arrived, she took a break to go through them. By the time she actually started serving coffee, Ruthie had thoroughly informed herself about what had happened in the world the day before. Mike frequently bought coffee at the store before going to class, which meant seeing Ruthie running about in a blue apron worn over her abbreviated clothing. For some reason he felt that she looked sexy in that apron, especially on the days she wore her backless dress. With her bare back it was easy to imagine Ruthie wearing the apron with nothing underneath. Whether or not Mike wanted to accept it, he was beginning to feel somewhat attracted to his classmate. Throughout October he still did not imagine that he would ever have any type of relationship with her, because she definitely "was not his type". However, he had to admit that he enjoyed looking at her. He started leaving money in the tip jar, but only did so when Ruthie was working. Mike was not an overly generous person with his money, but he was willing to part with a dollar each time he bought coffee in exchange for a slight smile of gratitude from her. Nevertheless, throughout October Mike's mind was not on Ruthie except when she was nearby. When he saw her in class or in the Student Center, his thoughts about her were a vague attraction, and that was about it. At that point in his life he certainly was not losing any sleep over her. He still took it for granted that her strange, quiet personality would not suit him and that what he needed to do was find another political activist like himself. Yes, that was what he needed, someone who understood the evils being committed by those who love money, a strong woman whose intellect could match his. ---------- The assigned readings in the literature class for the third week of October included several stories by William Somerset Maugham, which included the classic "Red". Assigned questions requested the students to comment on Maugham's attitudes about colonialism, his concept of class, his descriptions of interracial relationships, and his attitude towards women. That night Mike and Ruthie took their respective copies of Maugham's stories home and read the following: "And so the little wooden house was built in which he had now lived for many years, and Sally became his wife. But after the first few weeks of rapture, during which he was satisfied with what she gave him, he had known little happiness. She had yielded to him, through weariness, but she had only yielded what she set no store on. The soul which he had dimly glimpsed escaped him. He knew that she cared nothing for him. She still loved Red, and all the time she was waiting for his return. At a sign from him, Neilson knew that, notwithstanding his love, his tenderness, his sympathy, his generosity, she would leave him without a moment's hesitation. She would never give a thought to his distress. Anguish seized him and he battered at that impenetrable self of hers which sullenly resisted him. His love became bitter. He tried to melt her heart with kindness, but it remained as hard as before: he feigned indifference, but she did not notice it. Sometimes he lost his temper and abused her, and then she wept silently. Sometimes he thought she was nothing but a fraud, and that soul simply an invention of his own, and that he could not get into the sanctuary of her heart because there was no sanctuary there. His love became a prison from which he longed to escape, but he had not the strength merely to open the door - that was all it needed - and walk out into the open air. It was torture and at last he became numb and hopeless. In the end the fire burnt itself out and, when he saw her eyes rest for an instant on the slender bridge, it was no longer rage that filled his heart but impatience. For many years now they had lived together bound by the ties of habit and convenience, and it was with a smile that he looked back on his old passion." Mike had plenty to say about the passage. He was still bitter over the break-up with his girlfriend the previous Christmas, and he projected his bitterness onto the character Sally. He berated the fictional woman for being so selfish and for not taking advantage of the fact that someone decent loved her, that she was interested only in the guy who was better-looking but totally irresponsible. To that the professor responded: "Yes, Mike, I do see your point. But this story has two sides...maybe three if you want to throw in Red. Sally, too, has a perspective, although I don't think Maugham developed it very well. Anyone want to comment?" To the surprise of everyone in the class, Ruthie's hand shot up. "Yeah, when I read this it pissed me off what that creep Neilson did to her. He wanted her to be his fucking toy. That's what he wanted. He didn't love her, because if he did, he would've left her alone...and he didn't even have the guts to go after her himself." Mike moved to the edge of his seat and his hand went up, but the professor ignored him. "Interesting, Ruthie. Care to elaborate on that last statement?" "I mean...he forced her to marry him. And he did it by getting her family to nag at her until she couldn't take it any more. He forced her to do something she didn't want to do, and then he had the nerve to get pissed off when she wasn't happy. I mean...I wouldn't be happy either if I had to be owned by some sicko, and that fucking sicko wouldn't let me have what I really wanted." Mike tightened his lips and kept his hand up until finally the professor recognized him. "That's why women are always unhappy! Because they're all chasing after crap they can't have instead of being happy with what they do have! She had a hell of a better deal than most women in that place!" "So? She didn't want him and he forced her! He never even gave her a chance to talk! I think that totally sucked and he should have spent the rest of his life trying to make it up to her! The rest of his fucking life!" It was clear that both Mike and Ruthie were dealing with much more than a simple disagreement over an old story. It was obvious that he was projecting his own anger (which was nothing new), but now it was obvious that Ruthie was projecting hers as well. Neilson and Sally were surrogates for their own issues and their own disappointments in life. For several minutes Mike and Ruthie went back and forth as the rest of the class sat watching them in silence. Mike was his usual argumentative self, but Ruthie's passionate participation seemed totally out of character for her. As she argued she became angrier and started searching for a way to cut at Mike and get him to shut up. Finally she said something that many other students in the class had felt like saying all semester. "You know what, Mike? There's another story in the book called 'Mr. Know-it-all'. You ought to read it." About half of the students knew what Ruthie was talking about, and of those, the majority laughed. There were a few claps and a whistle. Mike sullenly quit talking, because he knew that any response he could think of at the moment would only make the situation worse. Ruthie quit talking as well, seemingly embarrassed by her outburst and show of combativeness. Neither spoke throughout the rest of the class. That night he read "Mr. Know-it-all", even though it was not part of the course readings. He cringed as he finished the story, because he realized that Ruthie had been right about him. What was worse was that undoubtedly the story was dead-on about how the other students in the class must have viewed him. His opinion of her changed, because she was a much more perceptive person than her normally shy behavior would have one believe. ---------- The next morning Mike passed by the Student Center to get his usual cup of coffee. He was an early riser, so he was one of Ruthie's first customers of the day. On that particular morning she had worn her backless dress. She briefly flashed her large eyes in his direction and began preparing his usual drink, a simple 20-ounce cup of coffee. When she turned around and bent over slightly, her apron bulged forward and he could see the side of one of breasts under her loose clothing. She blushed as she passed him the cup and took his money. "I read 'Mr. Know-it-all'." "And...?" Mike shrugged slightly. "I guess there's something to what you said." Ruthie handed him the change. "More than something..." "You really think I'm that bad?" Without looking up, Ruthie opened a carton of half-and-half and poured it into a metal pitcher. "You're not that bad, but sometimes you need to know when to shut-up. You know...I hear people in class talking about you, making jokes...because you're always talking." Mike blushed at both her comment and the embarrassing memory of having 20 of his classmates laughing at him. "Well, you didn't exactly help me yesterday." "Why should I? I thought you were wrong and I told you. Why shouldn't I say what I think, just like you?" "You really felt that strongly about it?" "Yeah. I did. I wouldn't have said anything if I didn't." She handed him the pitcher of half-and-half. "Could you do me a favor and set this out on the counter?" Mike reached around the corner of the stand where there was a shelf full of condiments and napkins. He set down the pitcher. She turned around to dump a filter from the espresso machine and replaced its contents with new coffee grounds. Mike admired the girl's bare back as she worked and suddenly was hit with an overwhelming urge to run his hands over her smooth skin. Against his wishes, he realized that his feelings about her had dramatically intensified. He decided to change the subject and see if he could get to know her better. He felt that the fact that she had asked him to do her a favor was an opening, however slight; a hint that she might be willing to talk a bit more about herself and move beyond the unpleasant encounter from the day before. "So...how do you like it here? Working in the Student Center?" "It's OK. Better here than the cafeteria or the pizza place." "You don't mind opening?" "No. I don't mind. I like it. I'm used to getting up early from when I was in high school. I get here, and things are quiet. It's nice, actually...the first part of my day I get to relax and get paid for it." Mike hesitated, trying to think of what else to say or ask. A group of sorority girls showed up, chatting loudly and ordering expensive complicated mocha drinks. A co-worker of Ruthie's came rushing in and threw on his apron. She gave him an unpleasant look, presumably because he had come to work late. The moment to converse had passed. Mike put his usual dollar in the tip jar and left for class. ---------- After leaving the Student Center, Ruthie rushed back to her dorm to have lunch. She got off work at 11:00 and had her first class of the day at noon. It was imperative that she get something in her stomach after work because her schedule did not allow her to eat breakfast. Going to class with nothing but pastries and coffee in her stomach didn't cut it. She rushed into the cafeteria, grabbed several pieces of fruit, a glass of orange juice, and some rice, and filled a salad bowl with vegetables. She snuck the fruit into her backpack and ate the rice and salad. She washed everything down with the juice. As always, she ate alone and was out of the dining hall within 10 minutes of sitting down. A quick trip to the bathroom on her floor to piss and brush her teeth, and she was on her way back to central campus. She made it to class just as her professor was about to start lecturing. At 1:30 Ruthie got out of class and for the first time all day had some time to relax. She had a favorite spot on campus: a tree-covered area that separated the Economics Building from a large parking lot full of parking meters. In theory the lot was for campus visitors, but students filled it up early in the morning and stayed parked at the meters all day. There was a rush in the area in the early morning and late afternoon, but in the middle of the day it was totally quiet and very rarely was anyone around. During her first week at the university, Ruthie had realized that if she went into the shade under the trees, it was very hard to see her from either the parking lot or the sidewalk leading to the Economics Building. As for the building itself, the foliage completely concealed the ground from the windows. If anyone came from either the parking lot or the building, a person sitting under the trees could see the passerby long before the passerby noticed anyone was sitting under the trees. That detail was important for the way she planned to spend her afternoon. After making sure no one was in sight, Ruthie laid a towel on the ground and took off her dress. As was normal for her, she wore nothing underneath the flimsy garment. She totally hated having to wear clothing, and had it not been illegal, she would have spent her life in the nude. The light dress was the next best thing, because it covered her enough to keep her within the confines of the law but did not feel suffocating on her skin. She lay on the towel under the shade and pulled out two textbooks and a notebook. She had about two hours to prepare for her next class, so she'd be relaxing and studying under the pleasant shelter under the leaves with the breeze caressing her bare skin. She pulled out a pear from her backpack and munched on it while she took notes. After she had been studying for an hour, she heard the whirr of a bicycle coming down the sidewalk. She looked up, but did not bother to get dressed. Bicyclists always went by so fast that they had no time to look towards the trees. Still, just to be sure, she always kept her eye on any bicyclists until they were out of sight. This time the bicyclist was someone she knew; her classmate Mike Sinclair. He was wearing the uniform of the Campus Parking Department and was loaded down with ticketing paraphernalia. She watched as he dismounted from his bicycle, pulled out his ticketing machine, and approached the first car out of several hundred that were parked at meters that had not been paid. He typed the car's information into his machine, pulled out what looked like a small receipt, stuffed it into a red envelope, and placed the envelope under the windshield wiper of the car. Within 30 seconds he was done and had moved onto his next victim. Ruthie watched Mike with concern. The students had been taking advantage of the lot to park at the meters all day without paying, which meant that no one could get a spot after classes started and the area was deserted after 9:00 am. If the freeloaders were chased out and the meters used by people who actually paid them, there would be a lot more movement in and out of the lot and she would lose her private spot to lie out naked. What could she say to Mike: don't do your job so I can lie here in the nude? That probably wouldn't work. The Outsider Ch. 01 Mike went up one row of cars and worked his way down the next, ticketing each and every one. A frat guy yelled at him: "Hey, parking Nazi! How's it feel to be paid to be an asshole?" "Feels great! How's it feel to be born an asshole?" Ruthie smiled at Mike's comeback. She continued to watch as he came closer and closer to where she was sitting. She decided to put on her dress when she heard the faint rattle of the ticketing machine's printer. It was close to the time she had to leave anyway. She packed up her books and walked out to where her classmate was working. "Still working on trying to be popular? I don't think this is the best way to do it." Mike understood that Ruthie was trying to make a joke. He was not a humorous person, but tried to play along with her: "Well, if I can't be famous, at least I can be infamous." Ruthie smiled slightly. She asked Mike how the ticketing machine worked, since she had never seen one up close before. The device looked like a very large calculator with a roll of receipt paper on the end. Mike allowed Ruthie to look over his shoulder as he used his finger on a touchpad to type in information on the car he was ticketing: license plate, description of the vehicle, violation, and if it was present, the student parking permit number. "Here, you can push 'print' if you want." Ruthie pushed the "print" prompt and the ticket was printed out. Mike tore it off and stuck it into a red envelope. He looked the fanny-pack that contained his ticketing supplies and quietly said: "shit". "What's wrong?" "I'm running out of envelopes. I've hit pay-dirt in this lot and now I have to go back for more envelopes. I didn't realize I'd need so many." "Pay-dirt?" "Stats. Management pays attention to how many tickets we write each month, and it looks like it hasn't occurred to anyone to come over here to this lot. It's just meter tickets, but they'll add up." "So...you're gonna be ticketing here? Permanently? Not just today?" "You bet. This'll be my new home. All these violators...I didn't realize these meters weren't getting paid. This'll be great for my stats." Mike noticed the disappointed look on Ruthie's face. "Are...you...OK?" "Yeah...I'm fine." Mike was puzzled by his companion's expression, because she didn't look fine. She looked very depressed. "Ruthie, I mean...if you've got your car here, just tell me what it looks like and I won't ticket it." "I don't have a car." "Then, what's wrong?" "It's nothing...really..." "You got friends parking here?" "I don't have any friends...uh...I mean...I don't have any friends who are parking here....that's what I mean." Ruthie blushed; not just because of the slip, but also because her correction was not convincing and she knew it. "Look, I gotta go to class. I'm running late." She turned to walk off. "Ruthie!" She stopped and looked back over her shoulder at Mike. "What?" "Are you working tomorrow?" "Yeah." "I'll see you then. Jo as always." "OK." Mike watched her as she walked towards the Econ Building. The late afternoon sunlight shined through her dress and made the cloth almost transparent. His heart stopped as he studied her attractive figure and realized that she was not wearing any panties. He wondered if she was aware of the extent to which her body was visible under that thin cloth. ---------- As soon as Ruthie disappeared around the Econ Building, Mike mounted his bicycle and sped off to the Parking Enforcement Office. He put a fresh battery into his ticketing machine and grabbed several fist-fulls of the infamous red envelopes. He returned to the lot to continue ticketing at the spot where he had left off. There were hundreds of cars, stretching out in every direction. Mike knew that he would only get to a fraction of the violators that afternoon, but the following day he would be on the lot right at noon and work it non-stop until his shift ended. He was very efficient with the machine, being able to write about 80 tickets per hour if the violators were parked in a small area. If he stayed out all afternoon the next day and the machine held up, he calculated that he would be able to write around 400 tickets. That would be a new record for the department and one that would be very hard to beat. He would come back day after day until the students got the message that a meter was not a "free parking" sign. October was going to end very well for him. By 4:30 students began returning from their classes to leave for the day. As soon as the violators saw the dreaded red envelopes on the windshields closest to the sidewalk, some of them started running to their cars. Around the lot there was swearing and insults directed at the parking officer, but he was used to that. Working for the Parking Department had its advantages, but popularity was not one of them. The truth was that Mike was totally unconcerned what the students he was ticketing thought of him. He hated the people he ticketed every bit as much as they hated him. For the most part they were irresponsible rich types: spoiled pot-heads, fraternity guys and sorority girls, and student athletes. They were a varied crowd, but they all had several things in common: wealth, privilege, attitude, and a feeling of entitlement. They drove expensive cars that had been given to them by parents or sponsors: BMW's, Jeeps, even a few Escalades. Mike delighted in taking a dig at the elite crowd and their fancy cars whenever he could. His uniform and his ticketing machine gave him the power to harass people who otherwise would be untouchable. Yes, the elite crowd hated Parking Officer # 036, just as much as he hated them. Mike wanted them to hate him: he wanted to make their lives miserable and make himself worthy of their hatred. As 5:00 approached, he picked up the pace, trying to squeeze as many tickets in as possible before the lot opened. The last ticket he wrote was at 16:59, on a bright red BMW with sorority stickers. Yes, maybe it sucked having a ticket on one's windshield that was written one minute before the lot opened, but even with only a minute to spare, the sorority bitch could not argue that it was not a valid ticket. ---------- A few minutes later Mike returned his ticketing machine to the dispatcher. He announced that the next day he would need an extra battery and 400 envelopes. The older woman looked up. "Four hundred? What are you gonna do with 400 envelopes?" Mike smiled: "Stuff tickets in them." He handed over his radio and added: "can you keep a secret?" "Hun, d'you know how many secrets I've heard? C'mon, you know I keep secrets." "No one's been paying the meters over at Econ-A. It's all cars with student permits and none of them are paying. Tomorrow they're gonna be mine. There's 400 spaces out there and I'm getting them all." The dispatcher smiled sarcastically: "You know you're a real jerk, Mike, but we still love you." Mike forced a smile, not sure how to take the dispatcher's final comment. The Outsider Ch. 02 Chapter 2 - Ruthie's evening Ruthie left her classmate with very mixed emotions. At the very beginning her reaction towards him was resentment. Because of him, she was about to lose one of the few small pleasures she had in life, the quiet two hours she spent in the nude under the shade every afternoon. However, once Ruthie calmed herself down, she understood that Mike had to do his job, just like she had to do hers. He was totally unaware of the consequences of his actions in her life and she had to remind herself that he was not acting out of malice, at least not towards her. In fact, he had offered her the small favor of not ticketing her car, assuming that she had one. He cared about her enough to offer a privilege that apparently he would not grant anyone else. No, he was not acting out of malice towards her, but most definitely he was acting out of malice towards the rich crowd that was abusing the lot. The truth was that Ruthie hated the spoiled elites every bit as much as Mike did. It would be nice to see them get theirs for once. Because of Mike Sinclair, the free parking the "beautiful people" on campus felt that they were entitled to would turn into an expensive hassle. Yes, it would be nice to watch the parking guy stick it to them. She especially loved that moment when that frat guy had called Mike an "asshole" and he had a come-back that forced the other guy to shut-up. There were so many times that she would have wanted to do the same thing at her job, to tell those miserable sorority bitches, and the disgusting sluts with fake tits who fucked the football players, and the arrogant TA's who treated her like dirt...all of them...what she really thought of them. Ruthie's mind replayed her interactions with her classmate several times over as she tried to figure him out. He was willing to talk to her, something that meant a lot to a person whose only other conversations that day had consisted of taking coffee orders and answering questions in class. Speaking to him, however briefly, had made her feel slightly less isolated. She had not been nice to him in class, but from what she could tell, he did not hold that against her. In fact, he had taken her advice and read the story she recommended. That was nice, having someone listen to her for once and care enough about her opinion to actually do something she wanted. Suddenly Ruthie stopped in her tracks. She remembered the slip she had made about not having any friends. It was true, but why did she have to admit that, without even being prompted? Mentally she castigated herself, because she was always saying idiotic things like that. That slip was only the latest out of many that she made out of habit, the stupid things that came out of her mouth that made people roll their eyes and kept her isolated. What a stupid thing to say...I don't have any friends... Ruthie's concentration began to drift. She was only partially in the real world as she walked to her afternoon class. Like a flock of agitated birds, thoughts circled around her mind, diving in and out of her consciousness. Her memory drifted to a customer who had snapped at her that morning, before shifting to a news story of a child's murder that had upset her. She noticed a flier for an evangelical group, which prompted her to think about religion. Her mind wandered to an assignment she had due the next week, and then to wondering what was for dinner when she got back to the dorm. She entered the building and made her way to class. Being forced to focus on a lecture and class discussion forced Ruthie to clear her mind somewhat, but the background noise of her other thoughts did not go away entirely. It never did. ---------- Ruthie was a geology major, but the class she was attending that afternoon was a third-year literature course with the Spanish department. She had entered college speaking fluent Spanish and immediately tested into the third year of the program. She realized that she could take advantage of her language skill to get an easy double-major. She would take all of the literature classes offered by the department, throw in some Latin American history and political science classes, and that would take care of all her language and humanities requirements, plus getting her the extra major. From the time that she was twelve up until the previous summer when she graduated, Ruthie Burns had been surrounded by Spanish. Her mother and her uncle's family originally were from Culiacan, Mexico and usually spoke Spanish at home and among themselves. Many of her classmates in high school spoke Spanish as their first language. At the insistence of her mother, Ruthie had taken the entire Spanish program in high school, which gave her a more formal knowledge of the language and compensated for the uneducated accents that surrounded her. As much as reading texts and conjugating verbs might have irritated Ruthie at the time she was doing it, she had to admit that all those classes in high school had benefited her upon entering college. Ruthie's mind wandered again. The window of the classroom faced towards the south and she could see the hills the coastal range. Beyond those hills lay Santa Cruz and the elite suburbs that surrounded it. Further south the land flattened out and a person driving down Highway # 1 entered a totally different world once he hit Watsonville. Highway # 1 passed through miles of vegetable fields: asparagus, cabbage, and of course, artichokes. Past all those fields lay Salinas. Salinas' claim to fame was calling itself "the artichoke capital of the world" and "the salad bowl of the nation". Wow, what a thing to be proud of, thought Ruthie to herself. Just north of town there was a big statue of an artichoke. She rolled her eyes every time she passed that stupid thing. The only other brush with fame that Salinas could lay claim to was the author John Steinbeck. Steinbeck had written about the area in the 1930's and there was a museum dedicated to him in town. Unlike most of her classmates, Ruthie Burns actually knew who Steinbeck was and had read several of his books. When her class visited the museum, she was the only person in her group who showed any interest whatsoever in the displays. As for her classmates, Steinbeck was irrelevant. Central California was a very different place back when he had written from what it was in the 21st Century. The area now was populated by people who had come from a totally place and lived a totally different reality. Ruthie's mind continued to drift. She thought about her mother, vaguely wondering if she already had gotten home from work. She had promised to call on Sunday, but already it was Wednesday and Ruthie still had not talked to her mom that week. She couldn't put it off any longer. As much as she dreaded calling home, she'd have to call that night. I guess I shouldn't be so hard on her, thought Ruthie to herself. She did help me get out of Salinas. I suppose the least I can do is call. Ruthie's attention finally returned to where it needed to be: the class she was sitting in. She was among students that were two or three years older than she was, but her knowledge of Spanish put her at ease with material that many of her non-native speaking classmates struggled with. For her, reading in Spanish was every bit as easy as reading in English. Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Juan Rulfo, Ruben Dario, Jorge Icaza...it didn't matter...she knew the material, some of which she had read for recreation when she still was in high school. For example, as a junior she had discovered "Pedro Paramo" and spent days reading and re-reading a novel that seemed to speak directly to her. Ruthie raised her hand and chatted in Spanish when the professor posed a question about Mario Vargas Llosa. Spanish literature was one place within her comfort zone, where she was on familiar territory. She had no hesitation showing off and embarrassing the rich, lazy gringos whenever she could. As she listened to a classmate with a very thick accent struggle to answer the next question, an interesting thought occurred to her. In the English literature class it was Mike Sinclair who dominated the class discussion, but in the Spanish literature class the obnoxious show-off was Ruthie Burns. ---------- When Ruthie stepped out of the Spanish literature class she stepped out of her comfort zone. She looked around at the people surrounding her, all of whom seemed from a different world than the one she had come from. She knew that she really didn't belong in Davenport. She couldn't relate to these people, all these spoiled rich types with their fancy clothes, and their fake tits, and the car that daddy gave them, and their drinking, and all their money. She couldn't relate. She had nothing in common with them. And yet, if anything her ability to relate to Salinas was even less. As she always put it: "Maybe I lived in Salinas, but I'm not from there." Even though she was half-Mexican, the tough-guy machista culture of her family's homeland elicited nothing from her but disgust. She had been to Sinaloa several times to visit her grandparents and found the ingrained violence and oppressiveness of the culture there repugnant. The salsa erotica and narco-corridas that were popular in Culiacan offended and nauseated her, every bit as much as the rap music that assaulted her ears in Salinas. What Ruthie really hated, more than anything else, was the gang culture that had permeated both Culiacan and Salinas. She resented having to be afraid of being beat up in her school, of always having to seek the protection of her older cousin when walking in the hallways. She hated the graffiti, the bandanas, the tattoos, the drugs, and the sneering expressions of the gang members. She hated the way those guys treated her female classmates, and she hated the girls for putting up with it. For Ruthie's mother, her escape and her defense against the hostile world of Salinas was evangelical Christianity. Ruthie accompanied her mother every time she went, but over time religion became every bit as disgusting in Ruthie's mind as the gang culture at school. She was an outsider at her mother's church, just as she was an outsider in school. ---------- Ruthie's only escape was reading. From the time she moved to Salinas until she graduated from high school, she locked herself in her room whenever she could and read voraciously. Before she was twelve, she had lived in Nebraska, so she was well-aware that a world existed beyond the one inhabited by her mother and her cousins. She also knew that there were places and times when drugs and gangs had not been a feature of everyday life. She was fascinated with literature that covered different eras from the one in which she was trapped and reading about people who led lives that contrasted with the grim one that she knew. She started with C.S. Lewis (recommended by her Bible study leader) and from there branched out into science fiction and mid-20th Century British fiction. When details of the stories did not make sense to her, she returned to the library to look up answers to her questions, which led her to read histories and biographies. The past interested her, so she explored further and further back, teaching herself about ancient civilizations. Her curiosity led her to pick apart the Bible. She read several scholarly studies on how it was created and what the passages actually meant in the context during which they were written. The Biblical studies had a profound effect on her, because placing the Bible in its historical context took away most of the mystique that her mother's church had ascribed to it. Ruthie memorized the entire New Testament and a large portion of the Old Testament, but the more she learned, the less divine the book seemed to her. Of course, she had to keep her growing doubts to herself. She was rebelling, but she rebelled in secret. Finally, she started reading about most forbidden topic of them all: evolution. Precisely because her maniacal preacher so vociferously condemned evolution, Ruthie was determined to find out everything she could about it. Anything that preacher hated had to be good. By the time she graduated from high school, she was reading professional-level studies concerning paleontology and the various theories surrounding evolution. That interest was what led her to declare geology as her first major. She was totally isolated from her classmates in high school. The more she read and the more knowledgeable she became, the greater were the differences between her and the others. Her social skills quit developing because she felt that in the hostile world of Salinas she had no use for them anyway. She was disgusted by the teenagers that surrounded her at school and scared by their belligerent behavior. They rejected her and she rejected them. The few times she did go out she went with either her cousins or her mother. Ruthie's continuous reading was destined to determine the course of her life. She mastered a broad range of topics, so class assignments were very easy for her. If given the chance to do extra-credit work, she'd do it, in part because she really had nothing else going on in her life. She got straight "A's" throughout the entire time she was in high school. Her grades, coupled with the fact she could claim a Hispanic background because of her mother, resulted in the grant she had received to attend Davenport State University. Ruthie's uncle brought her to Davenport at the end of August and dropped her off at her dorm. At the beginning she was elated to have escaped Salinas. She fully expected to make friends with people whose intellect matched hers, but very quickly she found out that was not to be. No one except her professors cared anything whatsoever about the book knowledge stored in her brain. Instead what mattered was that her social and conversational skills were non-existent. She could not talk about light topics at all and had no interest or knowledge of popular culture. She tended to be quiet, but suddenly would become emotional and have an opinionated outburst. Then she would realize she had just made a fool out of herself and sink back into sullen silence. She felt that she was incapable of articulating what she was thinking in speech, that she really could only express herself in writing. Because she had spent so much of her life as a teenager alone, her gestures and mannerisms were not "normal" and she had no concept of what it was to have fun. On top of everything else, subconsciously many of her university classmates rejected her because she was an impoverished person from Salinas. In Davenport, she no longer had to be afraid for her physical safety, but she found herself even more isolated than she had been before she graduated high school. It seemed that everyone with whom she interacted disliked her and wanted her out of their presence. Her big dream to get out of Salinas had been realized, but the disappointment that followed had come close to totally breaking her spirit. ---------- Ruthie walked to her dorm just as it was getting dark outside. She was shivering, because the evening had turned cool. The breeze blowing from the hills whipped across her bare legs and flowed right through her light dress. The backpack protected her bare back from the cold, but the contents pressed uncomfortably and the canvas scratched at her skin. She dumped the backpack in her room. She extracted a book to take with her to the cafeteria. She got her tray and silently sat down. No one was interested in talking to her, which was why she brought the book. She was not really going to read, but she calculated that it would not be so obvious that no one wanted to sit with her if she was pretending to be studying while she ate. Eating in the cafeteria at night was always the hardest part of the day for her. During lunchtime she didn't have any time to talk, but in the evenings she was forced to confront the hard reality that she had made no friends whatsoever during the two months she had been in Davenport. She knew it and everyone else knew it. Whatever chance she had to make friends at the beginning of the semester had long since passed. She failed to connect with anyone, the dorm cliques formed, and by the end of September she was completely shut out of the dorm's social life. ---------- After eating her joyless dinner, Ruthie returned to her dorm room. Her roommate still had not returned. That meant that she could call her mother and talk to her in private. She took a deep breath and nerved herself to dial home. Ruthie always found talking to her mom very stressful. The conversation, after a brief exchange of personal news and gossip about family members, fell into the usual dialogue: "Ruthie, have you found a good church yet?" "No mom, not yet...really..." "But, why not? Love, you can't tell me there's no decent churches in Davenport." "Really, Mom...there's nothing here. Everything's down in Santa Cruz." "Ruthie, honey, you are lying to me and you know it is a sin to lie...Lourdes Rosales' daughter is up in Davenport too, and she found a church the first week she got up there. Why can't you?" "Mom...I don't know...I haven't found anything...and I haven't talked to Cristina." "Well, why don't you just give her a call?" "Yes, mom...I'll call her..." "Honey, please don't forget this time. Call the Rosales girl. I'm very worried about you. You know that Satan is watching and he'll get you if you're not careful. You can't fight Satan alone, dear...you have to find a church." "Yes, mom...I'll try...I promise..." Ruthie tensed up during the conversation, resisting the urge to scream into the phone: "Look Mom, I'm not going to find a church because I don't want to find a church! I don't believe in that shit! I'm a fucking atheist, OK? Deal with it! I'm a fucking atheist!" She knew that the moment was coming when she would lose control of herself and actually say that, but she figured that the longer she could put it off, the better. Her mother would be devastated when she found out that Ruthie had rejected her faith. ---------- Ruthie hung up the phone and calmed herself down. Just in time, because her roommate Shannon came breezing into the room with her boyfriend. With not so much as a "hello" the pair settled in and started spreading their books on Shannon's bed. They had brought a box of pizza with them. They did not offer Ruthie a slice. Ruthie was extremely uncomfortable with the invasion into her space, which was Shannon's intention. It was only 7:15, so she could not complain that her roommate was preventing her from sleeping. Nor did the no-sex-in-the-dorm room-rule apply, because Shannon had brought her boyfriend over to hang-out and watch TV. The point was that Shannon wanted the room and Ruthie needed to leave. At the beginning she had hoped to be friends with the other student, but Shannon quickly put an end to that hope. Shannon sized up her roommate within a couple of days and decided that she was a nerd who could easily be pushed around. She cut at Ruthie with several hurtful remarks and then proceeded to take over the room. She bullied Ruthie with her TV and her CD player, using the noise to spoil her concentration and chase her out of the room. She continuously invited guests over; people who were every bit as inconsiderate as she was. In Shannon's mind, Ruthie was the sort of person who deserved to be walked on, because she was such a nerd and such a creep. Burning with resentment, Ruthie put on a jacket and stuck some notebooks in her backpack. She'd have to go to the library and stay there throughout the evening. Probably it was just as well, because she'd be forced to study and would have time to take some notes for class the next day. She left without saying goodbye. The Outsider Ch. 02 ---------- As she walked along the dark sidewalks to get to the library, Ruthie's thoughts returned to religion. Nearly every religion imaginable was present on campus: evangelicals, Catholics, Muslims, Scientologists, Hare Krishnas, Moonies...everything imaginable. Ruthie hated them all. As far as she could tell, all the religious groups wanted the same thing from her: her brain and her money. Well, Ruthie Burns had no money and her brain was messed up, so guess what? She had nothing to offer them. Anyhow, the idea of believing in something that she couldn't see or experience with her physical senses was something that she was incapable of doing. She knew the natural history of the earth and knew that the Bible could not have possibly been written by God. Her reading in history had convinced her that the most fervent religious believers were nothing but a bunch of psychotic killers, misogynists, and megalomaniacs. God's love? Yeah, right. Tell that to the nine million women who were tortured and murdered for witchcraft in the Middle Ages. If Ruthie had her way, all religion would be illegal, or at the very least it would be illegal to practice any religion in public. All those obnoxious street preachers and Hare Krishnas would be going to prison. Fuck the First Amendment. The root of Ruthie's hatred towards the world of religion was straightforward enough; she had it shoved down her throat from the moment she moved to Salinas. Until she was twelve, she had no opinion of religion whatsoever, because her father was a Christian in name only. He was the sort that believed in God and defended religion, but did not practice himself nor forced it on anyone. Ruthie's mother was very different from her father when it came to faith. Her family had grown up Catholic, but like so many other Latin Americans during the 1980's and 1990's, she converted to Pentecostalism as a teenager when still living in Culiacan. When she and Ruthie's dad split up, she joined a local non-denominational church. The oversized t-shirt she normally wore pretty much said it all: "the radicals for Jesus". Twice per week Ruthie's mother dragged her to a "Temple of the Lord" that had been set up in an abandoned store in a dilapidated shopping center. Twice per week she was forced to listen to a demented preacher as he screamed, cried, and sweat at the podium, his voice transmitted over a defective set of speakers that screeched and made the girl wince. Her mother and some of the other women spoke in tongues, which totally gave her the creeps. The first time she attended worship Ruthie was terrified by the spectacle and did everything she could to get out of going a second time. It took several hard slaps across the face to get her to change her mind. Ruthie reflected that her mother was by no means a bad person, but she was dealing with a lot of personal issues (including a brief and very dysfunctional marriage to her father). She had little education, so the only frame of reference she had to see the world and judge the people who surrounded her came out of the preacher's interpretation of the Bible. Ruthie hated that preacher, in part because he was such a tyrant over his small kingdom of believers, including her mother, and in part because he was such a demented freak. ---------- The chilly breeze whipped around her as she took a short cut across a playing field that separated the dorms from the academic buildings. She was adequately protected from the waist up, but her legs had goose bumps from the chill. The wind blew up her skirt and felt cold on her bare bottom and vagina. She loved the feeling of exposure, especially when her skirt blew up and she was momentarily uncovered from the waist down. Ruthie was not exactly an exhibitionist, because she did not want other people to see her when her body was exposed, but she did enjoy being naked in places where she normally would be expected to be clothed. Along with studying evolution, Ruthie's obsession with being naked was another form of rebellion against the values of that preacher she so hated. God had commanded people to cover up, so Ruthie made it a point to wear as little as possible, even if the weather was chilly. Ruthie's fascination with being naked started shortly after she moved to Salinas. Her mother could not afford to turn on the air conditioning and Ruthie was complaining about how hot her room was. Her mother responded that she should sleep in her underwear. She followed that advice for several nights, but then realized it would be even more comfortable to sleep completely nude. At first the thought frightened her, but then she saw it as a daring adventure. She knew that if she were caught, at the very least she would get several slaps across the face and be forced to sit at the kitchen table for a couple of hours, but to her the risk was worth it. About six months after Ruthie moved in, her mother managed to change her work schedule so that she would be home when Ruthie got out of school. She left for work at 3:00 am and returned to the apartment at noon. She was concerned about keeping the girl out of trouble, forcing her to do her homework, and making sure she spent less time with her cousins, who she did not consider a good influence. The change of schedule did keep Ruthie under control in the afternoons, but what her mother did not realize was that it also gave her four hours of free time in the mornings. The girl referred to those hours as her "me time." The moment her mother left for work, Ruthie got up and ran around the apartment naked. She enjoyed her own body, spending hours looking at herself in the mirror and taking self-portraits with a digital camera. She read, cooked breakfast for herself, listened to music, and masturbated in the living room. When she got a little older, occasionally she went outside when it was still dark and streaked around the apartment complex. Ruthie's "me time" in the early morning hours affected her life in the afternoons. By the time she got home from school she was dead-tired. She studied and had dinner, but on the nights she did not have to go to church she was in bed asleep by 8:00. Her mother sometimes wondered about the girl's constant sleeping, but had no problem with it because she was worried that if Ruthie were out on the street she would get in trouble or get beat up. She bragged to her fellow churchgoers that Ruthie was a "good girl" who never gave her much trouble. Had she known about her daughter's "me time" she would have been horrified. ---------- Ruthie entered the library, went to the basement and found an open table all the way in the back. She unloaded her backpack and began searching among the Spanish literature collection for some titles that she needed for a report. After several hours, Ruthie had taken most of the notes that she needed. She looked around and realized that all of the other desks and tables in the basement were empty. When she looked at her cell phone she knew why: it was 10:15. She knew from experience that after 10:00 no one came into the basement and anyone wanting a study desk could get one on the main floor. The student took off her dress and returned to her seat to take some final notes. She planned to spend the final hour at the library nude. She calculated there was very little danger of being caught because she could hear the elevator if anyone came down at such a late hour. At 11:00 she got up and, still naked, re-shelved the books she had been taking notes from. She felt extremely daring walking up and down the aisles of bookshelves with nothing on. She loved the sensation of the cool air blowing on her exposed skin and the silence that surrounded her. When she got up and left her dress behind at her study desk, her heart pounded at the beginning, but the longer she stayed away the more confident she became. She never allowed herself to return to the safety of her desk before she was completely relaxed and comfortable with being naked in the library. She heard the bell of the elevator and scrambled back to her seat. She slipped her dress over her head just in time, because the person who had entered the room was a library employee. The man gave Ruthie a suspicious look, apparently having realized that she was doing something she wasn't supposed to. Ruthie was disappointed, because she'd have to re-shelve the last two books with her dress on. She didn't like to do that because she considered that her naked time in the library was not complete unless she could re-shelve all of the books she had taken to her desk that night before getting dressed. But with that guy in the basement she had no choice. She knew better than to leave immediately, because that would arouse more suspicion. She'd re-shelve the books, then get her backpack and depart. ---------- When she stepped outside, the chilly air hit her bare legs and a feeling of cold reality hit her soul. She began to feel resentful and morose as she walked past the engineering building and the computer center on the sidewalk that exited the main section of campus. She left the well-lighted sidewalk and plunged into the darkness to cross the playing field that separated the academic buildings from the dorms. The field was empty and silent. The silence was not peaceful to Ruthie; rather it had a sinister and desolate feeling for her. She knew that what she was doing was not safe; because a student had been raped on that same field just a month before, doing exactly what she was doing. She didn't care. If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen, and my life sucks anyway. When she got to the middle of the field she stopped to stare up at the stars. Her thoughts wandered as her mood deteriorated. She thought of writers such as C.S. Lewis who romanticized about the stars and created something out of them that was not based on reality. For C.S. Lewis the stars were living beings, something similar to angels. She then thought about astronomer Carl Sagan's speculation that it was the stars that first gave people the idea of supernatural beings, perhaps because ancient humans thought the stars were far-off campfires in the sky. Her mind shifted to the other science fiction writers that she had read as a teenager, and all those fictitious trips to "other worlds", trips that in real life never would, and never could happen. Perhaps there is other life out there, but if there is, so what? It's not like we're ever gonna get out there...everything's too far away. She thought about all the work-arounds that writers had come up with to cover those vast distances...warp drive...worm-holes...irregularities in space...time travel...but it was all fantasy, just like supernatural beings, alternate worlds, and the afterlife. The cold hard reality was that E=mc2 and there never would be anything anyone could do about that. We're stuck here on this planet...we'll never go to any of those other neat worlds...and the best we could ever do might be to get a few astronauts on Mars. That's it. Science fiction and the whole idea of inter-stellar travel was BS, just like angels, ghosts, demons, pixies...whatever. It's all crap. All of it. It doesn't matter. In a few years we'll run out of resources and all starve to death and go extinct. We'll be gone just like the passenger pigeon, and then something else...rats, probably...will take over the planet. Not that any of that matters, thought Ruthie to herself. The planet eventually will perish, burned up by the sun in a few billion years. Or maybe earlier...because if plate tectonics were to quit, the planet will become frozen and dead, like Mars. She had read an article that plate tectonics already was slowing down. If that speculation was true, the natural processes that maintain the atmosphere were coming to an end and eventually all water and air would freeze and evaporate away. We don't have to wait five billion years...the end of all life is coming a lot sooner. Ruthie reflected on the futility of her life, the uselessness of her own existence. In a planet that sooner or later was destined for oblivion, and being a particularly unhappy member of a species that was doomed to extinction much sooner than the planet, what was the point? Why bother to study? Why bother to open the coffee shop? Why bother to continue living? Everyone hates me...even that Parking Nazi...even he'll see me for what I am and ditch me... There's no hope...no hope for anything or anyone. It's stupid to stay alive...for what? So I can spend the next 60 years taking shit from everyone? Fuck 'em. I don't want to take shit. I've had it. Fuck it. Suddenly she took off walking. No longer was she walking towards the dorms, but instead towards the path that exited campus, eventually descended a hill, crossed under Highway 1, and led onto a vegetable field that overlooked the Pacific Ocean. On the other side of the field there was a cliff that fell straight into the Pacific Ocean. A good fifty-foot drop onto rocks that were covered by roaring surf. Her body would get torn up in the waves and they'd never find her. Fuck 'em. Fuck all their insults and their money and all the rest of their shit... Ruthie ended up not going very far. She never did. She made it to the gate that exited campus, only to find it was locked. Had she really wanted to, she could have scaled the fence or gone through the main exit and then walked around to the trail, but to do all that would have taken more exertion than she was capable of putting forth at that moment. She was not scared of dying, but sheer effort that she would have to put into getting out to that cliff suddenly became overwhelming. Had she already been close to the edge, she might have worked up the courage to jump or fall off, but to actually get out there was too much. Her anger turned into depression, and once she was depressed, inertia took over and she was capable of doing very little. Depression shrouded the unhappy girl like a thick heavy cloak. She felt weighted down. Slowly she walked back, trying to shake off the numbness just so she could move forward. When Ruthie returned to her room, Shannon already was asleep and all the lights were out. She entered as quietly as possible, scared to wake up her roommate and risk an ugly confrontation. Her gaze fell upon Shannon's head, which was turned away from her. She resisted the urge to take her roommate's CD player and use it smash that bitch's nasty face. After having withstood two months of mistreatment at the hands of Shannon, Ruthie hated her. She fantasized about somehow getting revenge. Unfortunately, life rarely gives people like Ruthie the chance to get even with those who have treated them badly. The Outsider Ch. 03 Chapter 3 - Mike's evening Mike changed into one of his political t-shirts and left the Parking Enforcement office. He walked to the political science building, enjoying a cool October breeze that carried a hint of the nearby Pacific Ocean. His mind wandered to Chicago, where he had been studying the year before. I guess that's one thing Davenport has over Chicago, he thought to himself: it's still nice here and it's already getting cold there. He remained in a moderately upbeat mood until he ran across a sight that was totally offensive to his eyes: a huge fast-food sign that featured a cartoon face of a clown stuffing a whole hamburger into his mouth. Accompanying the picture was the slogan: Mega-Burgers -- the biggest. Feed your face with the very best rainforest beef! The sign topped the new Mega-Burger franchise that had just opened on campus. Mike's political group had fought and protested to keep Mega-Burger from defiling the Davenport campus with their presence, but to no avail. Mega-Town Associates, the holding company that owned Mega-Burger, had bribed the Board of Trustees, no doubt. Most of the students clearly had not wanted Mega-Burger on the grounds of the university, but like it or not, here they were. Mega-Burgers -- the biggest. The biggest...yes, everything in the US has to be the biggest...big, cheap, and fast. What a disgusting country we've turned into. That clown says it all...big, cheap, fast...and if it's not sustainable, so much the better. To hell with resources. To hell with the rainforest. To hell with the planet. If disgusting clowns can stuff their faces on signs, isn't that what the free market is all about? Why have unspoiled resources when we can have that hideous clown stuffing his face? That's freedom, after-all. Freedom. Yes...yes...the land of the free, with an ugly clown to represent it. Mike's bitterness against corporate America matched that of Ruthie against religion. He had a particular grudge against Mega-Town Associates. His father used to own a Santa Cruz drug store that had been in the family for three generations and Mike had expected to inherit the business and run it just like his father and grandfather ran it. In high school he took as many science classes as he could to prepare himself to get a pharmacy degree. His ambitions were modest; all he wanted to do was continue with his father's path in life and serve the community. Mega-Town Associates killed that dream the year that he was a junior in high school. Sinclair Pharmacy was doing fine right up to the moment that Mega-Town Associates muscled their way into the family's neighborhood. The company built a Mega-Mart that within a year put all the local stores out of business. Once the Mega-Mart had accomplished its task and ruined the neighborhood, the company abruptly closed it and opened a more centrally located store in Watsonville. As was true for so many other neighborhoods, the sole purpose of opening the Mega-Mart in Mike's neighborhood was to eliminate competition. The company never had any intention of staying there permanently. Mr. Sinclair spent Mike's senior year in high school looking for work. At first he expected to simply get a job as a pharmacist in a supermarket or a chain pharmacy, but after six months of desperate searching had come up with nothing. He couldn't understand why, with a degree and 25 years of experience there was never a hint of a job offer. Finally, the hiring manager of one of the chain pharmacies took a few minutes to explain his dilemma: "Right now, I'm going to put aside the hiring manager crap and tell you something off-the-record, man-to-man. You're qualified, alright. Too qualified, and since we're being honest, too old. If we hired you we'd have to pay you too much, and besides, you'd be a liability to our insurer. So, no, we're not interested in you, neither is anyone else. The bottom-line is we don't hire over-qualified people." The hiring manager handed back Mr. Sinclair's papers and continued: "Sorry about your situation, but you've got to realize your life as a pharmacist is over. No one wants you. Just telling you like it is. So you'd better start thinking about 'plan-B' and save yourself some frustration." The hiring manager did Mr. Sinclair a huge favor with his candor. He had seen plenty of people like the applicant; hard-working over-qualified relics of the past that never again would have decent jobs. It was a hard lesson for Mr. Sinclair, learning that his knowledge and experience were useless and his middle-class life was over. ---------- A year after Sinclair Pharmacy closed Mike's father finally managed to get a job as the assistant manager of a Fast-Mart, working under a Pakistani immigrant who was half his age. Now the family was horribly indebted because of that year of unemployment and also because Mr. Sinclair had taken a second mortgage on the house so that Mike and his older sister could finish college. Over the summer Mike's father openly explained: "I don't want either of you to borrow a cent. Not one cent. If you need something, ask me and I'll get it for you. When both of you get your degrees, I'm going to give you the chance to take whatever you want out of the house. Then I'm gonna declare bankruptcy. Lose everything, but it won't matter because you two will be done with college with no debt. I'm the one who's gonna have to liquidate. I don't have any choice. With my salary we're gonna lose the house anyway, but I'm gonna get you two through college before it happens. That's my end of the deal. Your end of the deal is when your mom and me lose the house, you take care of us. I wish I could give you something more, but I can't. Mega-Mart put us under." The financial death watch of Mike's parents continued. They were slowly declining and their debts were mounting. Since he knew that he was going to lose everything anyway, Mr. Sinclair wanted to borrow as much money as possible before his house went into foreclosure. The American dream was dead for him, and the only thing he could do was try to get revenge against the system by making sure his house was worth far less than what he owed on paper, to make the lenders lose as much money on him as possible. ---------- Mike had a class that started at 6:00. The schedule was very fortunate for him, because it allowed him to work an uninterrupted shift with the Parking Department and still take a full load of classes. The class was a large introductory course given in a lecture hall that held 200 students. At the door, he met up with a couple of classmates and the group found some seats together. Unlike Ruthie, Mike did have a few friends on campus. For the most part they were people like himself that he had met in the course of his political activities. Had Mike been honest with himself, "friends" probably was not the best way to describe the people with whom he hung out. More accurately they could be described as friendly acquaintances. Mike and the people with whom he associated were drawn together because of circumstances and common interests, not out of any deep emotional commitment. The relationships were the sort that co-workers had, the sort that would end the moment someone in the group moved on with his or her life. Still, Mike was much luckier than Ruthie. He did not have to face the humiliation of eating by himself in the cafeteria or sitting alone in class. He did have some activities in which he could participate and a group to which he could claim membership. If he wanted to see a movie or get some pizza for example, chances were that he could get someone to go with him. Because the class was given in a large lecture hall, there was very little participation from students. Probably just as well, thought Mike to himself. Maybe Ruthie's right. Maybe I really do need to tone it down. Maybe...people just aren't that interested in anything I have to say. With that self-doubt filled his mind. ---------- An hour later Mike and his two classmates had left the political science building and were on their way to a meeting of the Danubian Solidarity Committee, which was a protest movement directed against the Sinclairs' nemesis Mega-Town Associates. Back in April the obscure little country of Danubia made international headlines by thwarting an armed attempt by Mega-Town to take over its government. The Danubians completely defeated Mega-Town mercenaries and captured the majority of the people participating in the coup. The Danubian debacle was the biggest set-back that Mega-Town had ever suffered, and it only got worse for the company when the leaders of the coup were put on trial the following month. A torrent of negative publicity flooded the news as the Danubians released captured documents and exposed in detail what Mega-Town had planned for their country once it was taken over. What happened during the sentencing of the coup plotters was yet another humiliation for the Mega-Town. The coup plotters, instead of being executed, were sentenced to a uniquely Danubian punishment called "life without honor". The convicts were stripped, collared, and officially converted into property. Each convict was "presented" to a breed sow. The sows were given Danubian citizenship so they could be the formal custodians of the criminals assigned to serve them. Each convicted coup plotter would have to spend the rest of his life catering to the needs of a pig, to include washing and sleeping with the animal. It was a sentence to a lifetime of insult and degradation. In the country's culture it was infinitely better to be executed than to serve "life without honor". When the trial ended and the sentences were passed, the local spectators chanted in Danubian: "The Pig is your Mistress! Serve her well! ... The Pig is your Mistress! Serve her well!" That single phrase changed the tone of the global protest movement against Mega-Town Associates, because it provided a recognizable slogan for anyone who hated the company. Across the US activists started wearing t-shirts with "The Pig is your Mistress! Serve her well!" and the slogan was common on bumper stickers and protest signs. Mike owned several t-shirts with the slogan. Wearing them gave him some confidence that he had been lacking for a very long time. The slogan was his proof that Mega-Town was not invincible, that already they had suffered a major defeat. ---------- The meeting lasted past 9:00. Mike had entered in a good mood, but as one hour dragged into two and the conversation meandered around meaningless arguments, his confidence faded and he began to wonder to himself: "How much good are we doing? Here we are, claiming to support Danubia's fight against MTA, but really, what does it have to do with us? The only reason we're even calling ourselves the Danubian Solidarity Committee is because it was the Danubians that did what we couldn't. So we fantasize and live vicariously through what they did. And we all sit around talking useless bullshit, and we can't so much as keep that fucking clown restaurant off our campus." Suddenly he excused himself from the meeting and went outside. The clown on the sign, with his moronic yet evil eyes and his mouth full of "the very best rainforest beef", stared at Mike as he exited the Student Center. For a second that image seemed to come alive ...the hideous apparition that would consume and consume until nothing was left of the earth. Mike jumped back, totally startled. When he looked again the clown's face was back to normal. This is it...we, the humans, and the planet, are coming to the end. We will consume and be consumed until nothing is left. Mega-Town will take over everything, and they will destroy everything. ---------- Having given up on his political group for the night, Mike decided to hit the library before he went back to his dorm room. A group of sorority girls and pledges passed by, giving him about as much recognition as they would give a light post. The sight of their bleached hair and fake tits offended Mike every bit as much as the Mega Burger sign. Stupid bitches...well, you're all gonna get some nice parking tickets tomorrow. Mike totally hated sororities and everything they represented. His hatred was visceral: the very sight of sorority letters stirred up fantasies of bombed sorority houses and burnt-out BMW's. He felt the same way about fraternities, but towards sororities he felt particular bitterness. The reason was straightforward enough: his ex-girlfriend had joined a sorority over the summer and now was a full-blown member...actually an officer...in a Chicago chapter called the Four-Betas. Lisa Campbell, a girl he had dated all through high school...leaving him and joining a sorority...for someone like Mike that was the ultimate insult. He thought he knew her, but obviously he didn't. Throughout his years in high school, Mike had dated Lisa; a girl who he admired for being intelligent and strong-willed. They were classmates in school and were inseparable. At the beginning she was not much to look at, a tall gangly girl with bad acne. Later she developed into a stunning beauty. She was shy at first, but she and Mike liked each other. That commitment grew into intense love within a year. They were with each other to the point they excluded everyone else. The couple even had a nickname in school: the football crowd called them "the dork twins". They didn't care. They ate together, studied together, took classes together whenever it possible, and went out together. They hiked and went to the beaches. Their favorite spot was a nude beach that was almost within walking distance of Davenport. None of their classmates went to that beach, but that was fine. They had their privacy and their time with each other. At age 16 Mike and Lisa started having sex at her house. It was the first time for both of them. They already were skinny dipping in her pool after school got out. They started seriously making out on a lawn chair in her back yard and exploring each other's bodies. Finally, on a lovely sunny afternoon, they worked up the courage to "go all the way". She lay on her back on her lawn and he thrust into her. When they were finished, she did a strange thing. Several times she dipped her finger into the blood coming out of her vagina and drew stripes on Mike's face. "You're my warrior, my love, and I'm yours. I will always be yours." She had given him the most precious thing she had, her virginity. That afternoon Mike knew that he was blessed, to have someone as lovely and as loving as Lisa for his partner. Yes, she would always be mine... Well, that sure didn't work out, did it? ---------- Lisa's true personality did not show until they had graduated and went to Chicago to take advantage of cheaper tuition. They had several strange adventures during that fall semester, the weirdest of which was being conned by their dorm's Resident Advisor to participate in a 10-K nude marathon. They spent most of a Saturday completely naked in front of 50,000 spectators, not just during the run, but also before and after. Mike was very happy to get dressed when the whole thing was over, but the experience changed Lisa. She became an exhibitionist and her behavior started being flamboyant and aggressive. She was increasingly restless and bored with him as the semester wore on. By December, Mike realized that his relationship with Lisa was in serious trouble. He blamed the different environment in Chicago and worried about the influence of their friends on her behavior, especially the influence of their RA. The solution was very simple: he and Lisa needed to return to California and forget about Chicago. Mike had a friend working in the admissions department in the University of California in Berkeley who walked him through what he needed to put on his application to be accepted, and what the procedure was for transferring the Chicago credits. Mike eagerly made the arrangements for himself and filled out Lisa's paperwork as well. All she had to do was sign and they could forget about Chicago. When they returned to Santa Cruz for Christmas vacation, there was a lot of tension between the couple. They celebrated Christmas Eve with his parents and the following day had Christmas dinner with her mother. Lisa was very tensed up during the meal and barely spoke to him. The next day Mike decided to tell his girlfriend about the arrangements he had made with the admissions department in Berkeley. He told her that he had re-applied to study in California and this time expected to get in. In the meantime he would take community college classes in Santa Cruz. He told Lisa to resubmit her application as well, that he had done her the favor of filling it out and was sure it would be accepted. Lisa responded: "That's real nice, except there's one problem. I don't want to go to Berkeley. And I don't want to sit on my ass taking community college classes until next fall. Fuck that!" "Well, I don't want to go back to Chicago. I've told you that several times, and it doesn't seem you're listening." "Who said anything about you going back to Chicago? I never said you needed to go back there! You can do whatever you want, but don't you go making arrangements for my life behind my back! You can go to Berkeley, or Santa Cruz, or wherever the fuck else you want to go, but I'm going back to Chicago! Tell your friend in the admissions department to take my application and stick it up his ass!" "...and so you don't give a damn about our future? About me or anything I want? You're telling me that Chicago's more important than I am?" "That's right, Mike. That's exactly what I'm telling you. Chicago's more important to me than you are." Mike's expression changed. He looked dazed, as if he had been hit over the head with a rock. He didn't know what how to respond, because he had not expected Lisa to be so blunt with him. One of Mike's good points was that he was never willing to do anything that he thought would humiliate himself. He had backed himself into a corner, leaving only two options. He could cave in, beg Lisa to forgive him, and meekly return to Chicago, or get up and leave with the understanding they were breaking up. Either way, as far as Lisa was concerned the relationship had ended. Mike realized that as well, and did the one thing he could to salvage what was left of his dignity. Without saying another word he walked out, knowing that he was leaving behind the girl he had dated for the past four years. ---------- "Chicago's more important to me than you are." Mike was floored when Lisa said that to him, so much so that at the moment he couldn't even react. He stormed out of the room, making a show of anger, but in reality he was devastated that she could have said such a thing to him. At least he would not entertain any false hope that someday he could get back together with her: he knew that she was gone from his life permanently. He drove out to the beach where he and Lisa had spent so much time when they were in high school....only six months before when their relationship seemed like it would last forever. It was getting dark, which was good for what he needed to do. He sat alone on the wet sand for a couple of hours crying and mourning the loss of the one person who gave him meaning in life. He had not cried for several years and he was determined that no one would see his moment of weakness. He would maintain his stoic façade to the world, but at least he could be honest with himself. Chicago's more important than I am...more important... ---------- With that, Mike gave up on his plans to study in Berkeley. He put in a last-minute application to study in Davenport for the spring semester, which to his surprise, was accepted. He got his job with the Parking Department in February. The Outsider Ch. 03 His initial reaction of shock and heartbreak eventually transformed itself into anger and bitterness, not just against Lisa, but also against the world into which she had immersed herself over the summer. A mutual acquaintance from Chicago e-mailed him and mentioned that she had successfully pledged the Four Beta Sorority. That news affected what he did at his job, because he made it a point to target any car that boasted the markings of a "Greek" for special attention from his ticketing machine. He needed someone...someone who was different from that stupid bitch Lisa. However, his luck with other women since she left him had been atrocious. He was far too serious for most young women to find attractive. Ten months after the breakup, Mike Sinclair was alone and his heart burned with resentment. He had to face the hard truth what he was a loser with women and that Lisa Campbell was the only chance that he ever would have for a relationship. Lisa was gone from his life and there would be no other women for Mike Sinclair. No woman, no matter how strange or how much of a loser she might be, was ever going to want to touch him. Apparently that was a law of nature, something as unalterable as gravity. Lisa Campbell was the exception...the one lucky shot he had at finding a partner. That opportunity had come and gone. He had blown his only chance. As he dwelt on Lisa, the lines of an old Queensrÿche song passed through his thoughts: I don't believe in love I never have, I never will I don't believe in love I'll just pretend she never was real I don't believe in love I need to forget her face, I see it still I don't believe in love It's never worth the pain that you feel Queensrÿche...Mike loved their music, even though their more famous songs were at least 10 years old. He first heard of Queensrÿche on a station that featured "classic" Metal from the 1980's and 1990's. Perhaps it was a trait of a loser to listen to music that was not in the least bit current, but he didn't care. The music of Queensrÿche, which dwelt on alienation, anger, and loneliness, seemed to be written directly for Mike Sinclair. ---------- Mike tried to cheer up as he wandered through the basement of the library, looking for a couple of extra books that would give him the 10 sources he needed as the minimum for a term paper. More BS, he thought to himself...these stupid term papers. He knew how to play the game with term papers, however. There wasn't much to writing a term paper if one knew how to do it. Normally he used two or three books to get his facts, and then picked a few quotes out of the others. The extra two books would only be needed be for quotes, but he did have to include them. As he got ready to leave, Mike passed a table with an open backpack set next to a pile of books. He recognized the backpack as the one belonging to his classmate Ruthie Burns. Curiosity led him to examine the titles. Much to his surprise, most of the books were in Spanish. There were two groups of titles: books that appeared to be novels and books that were literature reviews. He dared not touch what was on the table; for fear that Ruthie would catch him. However, just by looking at the covers he could tell that her selection of books was not the sort of literature that a freshman would be expected to read. This was very dense reading, and in Spanish, not English. A worn syllabus laid among her notes answered his question: the books were required reading for a third-year class with the Spanish Department. That meant the Ruthie Burns, who was enrolled in her first semester as a freshman, was taking at least one class at the junior level. It also meant she was fluent in another language. Mike walked past several shelves of books and saw his classmate thumbing through a literature journal. She was engrossed in what she was doing and didn't notice him. He resisted the temptation to go back to her table and look through her notebooks to find out more about her. Yes, there was no question that girl was totally weird, but there also was no question that she was intelligent. He found her fascinating. ---------- Mike returned to his dorm. When he opened the door to his room, the sight and sounds that greeted him were the ones he expected. When he entered he could hear explosions and the roars of electronic monsters. His roommate Todd was sitting at the computer at his desk, playing an online video game. With a quick single movement Todd put on a pair of headphones and plugged them into the computer. He never took his eyes off the screen or missed a beat in his online battle. Mike briefly looked at what his roommate was doing. A monster's head came off and flew towards the viewer. There were a bunch of explosions and then Todd's character started bleeding. He reacted by quickly going through a menu and found what he needed to restore his online self. Within seconds he was back in the battle. Todd would be at it all night, just as he was almost every night. Mike had read an article about that game he was playing; that it was extremely addictive for serious players because of a ranking system it used. There was no question that Todd had a high rank in that game, but what was he sacrificing to keep it? He had no social life, over the semester his physical health had deteriorated, and undoubtedly his grades were suffering because very rarely had Mike seen him studying. For a few minutes Mike watched his roommate. He was an addict, no doubt about it. His life was as lost as that of a chronic gambler. Not that Mike cared that much about Todd's well-being, because the two students did not like each other, but he did shake his head at the loss of yet another life to an activity that was a total waste of time. Finally he went to the men's room to get cleaned up. When he returned to the room, he took off his towel and got in bed. He was too tired to put anything on and had decided to sleep naked, but Todd was too engrossed in his game to notice or care. Mike covered his eyes with a pillow to block out the light from his roommate's computer. He still could hear the muffled sound effects of the online battle through the headphones. The sound was very faint, but it was just enough to totally irritate him. Abruptly the battle sound stopped. Todd started swearing and desperately tried to reconnect. He turned off his computer and rebooted, but to no avail. The campus Internet must have gone down again. Poor Todd, he was out of the fight and undoubtedly his ranking would suffer. Mike smiled to himself in the darkness and fell asleep. The Outsider Ch. 04 Chapter 4 - A meal together The next morning Mike went to the Student Center to buy his usual cup of coffee. He showed up slightly before 7:00, eager to have something better than the brown water they served in the dorm, but also with the vague hope of having a few more minutes of conversation with Ruthie. She was dressed in a pair of loose-fitting gym shorts and an old t-shirt under her apron. Mike had expected that, because he had been noticing what she wore. The dress was something she put on only once a week, usually on Monday or Tuesday. For the rest of the week it always was shorts and a t-shirt. He knew that there was a topic he could open with, the English literature class. He decided to attempt to open with a joke, referring to the last line of Somerset Maugham's "Mr. Know-it-all". "So do you not entirely dislike Mr. Kelada?" Ruthie blushed and smiled slightly. "No, at this moment I don't entirely dislike Mr. Kelada." The two students chatted about the class and upcoming assignments. Then Mike asked if it was Ruthie's first semester, to which she nodded to the affirmative. He commented that it was his second semester and then followed up with a question that seemed innocent enough: "So...what do you think of Davenport State so far?" Ruthie gripped a pitcher so tightly that he could see her knuckles change color. She hesitated, wondering whether to tell him the truth. Finally she responded, in a voice that was totally unconvincing: "It's OK." Mike knew that Ruthie was lying about her feelings, but he was smart enough not to press her. Instead he commented: "For me, this place has its problems. Every place does. In some ways Chicago was better and in some ways it was worse. The whole frat thing gets to me sometimes. And my roommate's a bit of a jerk..." Ruthie nodded. "Yours too?" "Yeah. Mine too." Then, with suppressed rage in her voice, she added: "I fucking hate my roommate! I can't fucking stand her! She's the biggest bitch I've ever met! I hate her! Last night I wanted to...I mean I wanted..." Suddenly she checked herself...mortified at her own outburst. She turned away to fill a pitcher of half-and-half, even though a full one already was out on the counter. Her hand was shaking slightly. Mike realized that Ruthie Burns did not have anyone to talk to and that there were a lot of issues pent up inside her. That made her somewhat pathetic, but for him that was not much of an issue. He had felt the same isolation plenty of times. "Don't worry, Ruthie. It's OK to vent. I'm sure my roommate's as big a jerk as yours." "I doubt it." "Well, if you have to talk...you know...about whatever's bothering you...you can, with me. You can talk." "OK..." Ruthie's co-worker showed up, much to Mike's dismay. The co-worker put on an apron and joined Ruthie behind the counter. Obviously the chance for intimate conversation had passed. "Ruthie, see you in class?" "Sure." ---------- In class Mike and Ruthie sat at the opposite sides of the room. Mike had his usual spot near the door: Ruthie had her usual spot near the window. For the first time they felt a bit uneasy in each other's presence, so neither volunteered to talk in class. The fact that Mike was not taking up class time pontificating as usual gave the professor a chance to lead the discussion with other students, many of whom were caught not having read the class material. Both Mike and Ruthie watched with satisfaction as some of the less responsible students struggled without the protective cover Mike had been giving them throughout the semester. Mike no longer was eager to jump in and help out classmates, not after what had happened two days before. The humiliation he endured by being laughed at was not something he held against Ruthie, but he did hold it against the others. Fine. Let them be caught out. I'm not coming to anyone's rescue today. ---------- After class Mike observed Ruthie going back to the dorm, presumably to have lunch. He decided to catch up with her. "Heading back to the cafeteria?" "Yeah." "Which one?" "Watson Hall." "I'm going that way too. Want some company?" Ruthie glanced at her classmate. It would be the first time anyone had sat down to eat with her in nearly a month. She was elated that her lonely routine was about to be interrupted, but that prospect also scared her. She took a deep breath and gave him another quick glance. "Yeah, I guess." Mike paid attention to what she put on her tray. He was surprised to see that she took nothing but items considered healthy: fruit, vegetables, steamed whole rice, and a glass of orange juice. He moderated what he took accordingly and then wondered to himself: why do I care about what I'm eating in front of her? A couple of the girls from Ruthie's floor glanced over at the two students, noting that "Shannon's creepy roommate" was not eating alone for once. Ruthie badly wanted to talk, but her ability to make small conversation was extremely limited. Mike realized that he had to take the initiative. "So, have you thought about what you're gonna major in?" "I already declared. Geology and Spanish." "You're doing a double-major?" "Yeah." "Kind of an interesting combination. So you speak Spanish?" "Yeah." "Fluent?" "Yeah." "From your family?" "My mom. She's from Culiacan...you know...it's a place in Mexico." "So...that's where you're from?" "No, I'm from Nebraska." Ruthie's last answer totally took Mike by surprise. Nebraska? She glanced up from her tray and noticed the confusion on his face. She volunteered. "That's where my dad lives." "So, your parents are split up?" Ruthie nodded. "I guess with that I lucked out. My parents are still together." Ruthie nodded again. "So your dad is from there too? Nebraska? Not Mexico?" Ruthie nodded. "He's from Lincoln. I lived with him when I was a little kid." OK, Mike thought to himself; that must be why her last name is Burns. Suddenly she started talking, instead of nodding and giving him one syllable answers: "I guess I'd better explain all this. My dad was in the Navy when my parents met. He was stationed in San Diego, and when they got together my mom had been in the US just a couple of months. She crossed the border and was here illegally. They got married when they found out my mom got pregnant with me. I think they did it 'cause they couldn't get military benefits for me unless they were married, and I 'spose they also did it because my mom needed to get her residency straightened out. INS couldn't deport her if she was married." "So, did she?" "Get her residency?" "Yeah." "She got a Green Card. She never took the citizenship test. I've tried to talk her into it, but she's telling me that someday she wants to go home, and she doesn't really want to be a citizen here." "So the rest of your family is in...Cula...uh..." "Culiacan?" Mike nodded. "They're all still there. On my mom's side. My uncle's here, but that's it. Well, him and his kids." "...and your dad?" "He's still in Nebraska." "Do you ever talk to him?" "No." There was a lot of anger and bitterness in just that single word. Ruthie's expression changed. Mike realized that something unpleasant must have happened between her and her father, but decided not to inquire further. He changed the subject. "So...uh...where'd you go to high school?" "Salinas." "What'd you think of Salinas?" "Sucks..." "I 'spose...I didn't hear too many positive things about it." "You won't hear positive things about a place that's got nothing good about it." "Did you like Nebraska?" "It was a lot better than Salinas." Suddenly Ruthie became nervous, because she was fully aware that she was not making a good impression on her classmate. Already Mike had been far more patient listening to her than most other people had been. She tried to figure out what she needed to do to look better, to not appear so embittered about all of the unpleasantness she had suffered during her childhood. Finally she remembered an article that advised the reader to try to get the other person to talk about himself in order to gain trust. "I...uh...Mike...you were like...in Chicago last year?" "Yeah. But just one semester. I came back here at the end of the year." "What was it like?" Mike took a deep breath. That was a very complicated question. There was a lot that he liked about Chicago and especially the university, but the loss of his relationship with Lisa overshadowed all of his other memories. "I was at a big university in one of the suburbs. It's an hour-and-a-half from downtown, and that's just when traffic's not bad. It was quiet, 'cause it was so far out, almost like a small town. It was a nice enough place..." "...so...if it was so nice, how come you came back?" Mike hesitated. "I had my reasons, but I had to come back here. To be honest, I wish I'd never gone out of state, and I wish I'd never set foot there." He hesitated, wishing he had not just said that. He tried to correct himself: "It's a long story...what happened to me in Chicago." "Academic?" "No, it wasn't academic." Ruthie looked down at the table. She began twirling a spoon. "I guess we both have long stories." "We all do. 'Long stories' are just a part of life." Both students finished their meals. Mike mentioned that he had to go to work, and Ruthie replied that she had a class. They got up to turn in their trays to the kitchen. They felt very uncomfortable at that moment, partly because of the very strange conversation that they had just experienced, and partly because they were nervous about saying goodbye. They were uneasy about being together, but subconsciously they did not want to separate. "Are you ticketing today?" "You bet. Today is pay-dirt day for me." Ruthie's expression changed, reflecting resentment over the impending loss of her "private spot". Mike noticed, but of course had no clue why she was upset. "Ruthie, trust me. Those people getting tickets out in the Econ lot are the same ones who spend their lives giving people like you and me crap all the time. They wouldn't give us the time of day. They're not anyone you ought to care about." "I 'spose not." "If you want to have some fun, come out there at about a quarter after four and just watch what happens. You wouldn't believe how some people freak about something as simple as a parking ticket. It'll be funny to see, but kinda pathetic too." "I've got class, but maybe I can get out there...a little after 4:30." "OK, then if I see you there, I mean...if you want, we can go to dinner after I get off work." Ruthie nodded, surprised at the dinner invitation. ---------- A few minutes later Mike was out on the lot, with his ticketing machine, eight rolls of receipt paper, an extra battery, and his backpack stuffed with 400 red envelopes. He had to deal with a couple of sarcastic comments from the dispatcher, but true to her word, she had not told anyone about his plan to write 400 tickets in a single afternoon. She pulled out his supplies from under the counter in a market sack. He was grateful, because she had his stuff ready to go and he did not have to wait around. He started on the cars parked farthest away from entrance because he did not want anyone to see what he was doing until it was too late. Hour after hour the machine clattered away, recording the vehicle information of student after student who blissfully assumed that a meter was the same thing as a "free parking for students" sign. Mike had his routine perfected: he wasted none of his precious seconds as he stuffed ticket after ticket into an envelope and put each under a windshield wiper. He only stopped to change his ticketing tape, and once, about three hours into his shift, the battery of his machine. By 4:00 he was exhausted, his arm was painfully cramped from holding the machine for so long, and he was dehydrated. However, by then the majority of the envelopes he had brought with him were safely on cars and he had spent five of his eight rolls of ticketing paper. He had not moved as quickly as he planned: instead of averaging 80 tickets per hour he had only averaged 70. However, after four hours already he had written 280 tickets, and he had another hour to push for 350. That would still be a record for the department for a single shift. As he worked his way up and down rows of cars that he would never be able to afford for himself, Mike had a chance to reflect on lunch with his strange classmate. He thought about her totally unadorned appearance and realized that her speech was every bit as unadorned as her body. Perhaps sometimes she had trouble expressing herself, but when she did speak she was bluntly honest. After having endured the painful breakup with Lisa and dealing with the multitude of phony girls who surrounded him in Davenport, Mike found that extremely refreshing. He wondered about Ruthie's world, which apparently consisted of Salinas, Lincoln, and Culiacan. A strange combination, to say the least. He put together the clues that she had given him about her past, concluding that when she was 12, something traumatic must have happened between her and her father, something that forced her to leave Nebraska and move to California. The conversation left him with many more questions than answers. Finally, Mike began pondering something that never would have occurred to him just three days before: the possibility of having a relationship with her. Of all the women in Davenport, she was the one who seemed most within his reach...the only one, really. ---------- Starting at 4:15, Mike could see students running across the parking lot to get to their cars, and hear the cussing when they found out that they already had been ticketed. He kept on, because he still had several rows to go. A young couple got into their car just ahead of where he was working. They were among the few lucky ones who made it to the lot before Mike had a chance to ticket their car. They passed by and the guy rolled down his window: "Looks like you missed me, asshole!" Yes...yes...I missed you. No problem. I'll get you tomorrow, Mike thought to himself. Around the parking lot students angrily pulled out of their spaces, screeching their wheels in a show of defiance. Mike was careful not to be standing out where people were driving by, because he knew from experience that someone could whiz by him and honk or throw something at him. He kept on ticketing. By 4:30, a steady flow of students was returning to the lot. Many of them started running along the sidewalk when they saw what was going on. Around the parking lot the cussing and the roaring of engines and screeching of tires picked up. A second lucky student got to her un-ticketed car and pulled out. She was an exception. A guy pulled up to Mike and tried to hand him the ticket that was on his car. "You can take this back. I'm not paying it." "Yeah you are." "I'd like to see you make me." Mike shrugged his shoulders. "You won't get your grades if you've got unpaid tickets. So you can threaten me all you want, but you'll still be paying it." The guy tossed his ticket on the ground and drove off. With just 10 minutes to go, Mike glanced towards the Econ building and saw a dark-haired girl in shorts and an old t-shirt sitting on the grass. His heart jumped. So she had come after-all. He waved at her and she waved back. Ruthie watched the spectacle of students running past her and people roaring their engines in anger as they exited the lot. It turned out that Mike was right, it was kinda fun to watch the rich crowd get theirs for once. As much as she still lamented the fact the area no longer would be deserted in the afternoon, she did have to admit that it was nice to see people that she hated being inconvenienced and not being able to do anything about it. Oh, how she wished she could have treated those spoiled beauties in the coffee shop the way Mike was treating them in the parking lot! ---------- A few minutes later Ruthie accompanied her classmate as he returned to the Parking Enforcement Office. The office was located in the corner of a huge parking garage, a new structure on campus that nearly everyone considered an eyesore. However, in a world dominated by personal transportation and the need to accommodate all those machines, such structures were a part of life. Mike gave his classmate some further explanation about his job and some trivia about parking on campus. She commented that she was somewhat surprised by how angry many of the students were upon seeing their tickets. He explained that for some students, parking illegally and avoiding tickets was something of a game and they resented it when they lost. Many others simply felt that free parking was something they were entitled to and that in issuing tickets, Parking Enforcement Officer # 036 was violating their rights. They had been using the lot for two months without paying, so the sudden change was an outrage. "You have to understand how obsessed people become about 'convenience issues' such as parking. That's why some of them get so pissed when they see me. According to them, I'm taking away their rights. But that's just too bad, 'cause they're not supposed to be in that lot anyway." Ruthie commented: "You know, I've always found it weird what 'rights' people fight for and what ones they don't. Last year in my school, they nearly had a riot when they took out the candy machine. I mean, there's all this other shit going on there...the gangs and all the cutbacks and having to be scared for yourself every time you walk around in the halls...but nobody ever said anything about any of that. You take away the candy machine...and everybody got pissed...you know...that they took away their right to buy candy in the school." When Mike nodded in agreement, she added an observation that surprised and impressed him: "I wonder if they do shit like that to us on purpose. Getting us to worry about the little shit, so we don't have time to worry about the stuff that really matters. I always wondered that about the whole candy machine blow-up. I mean...if everyone was fighting over a candy machine, then they could cut our lunches and nobody would say anything...and that's what they did. I'm thinking the candy machine was a trick they pulled on us to keep us under control...just like parking..." "...like parking?" "Yeah, like parking...you know, you've got all these people stressing about their cars and guess what? They're not thinking about stuff that really matters." "Maybe that's true, but the big problem around here is that there's simply too many cars. There's no room in the world for all the cars and we keep adding more." "I wouldn't say 'we', Mike. 'We' don't make those decisions." "No, I guess you're right. But 'we' accept things the way they are and don't try to change them." "Yeah, and just how's anybody gonna want to change anything if it's all the same shit on TV and on-line and on radio? They've got us beat. There's nothing anyone can do about it." "I don't know. I'd like to think that's not true..." "Mike, look at yourself. You're helping Admin control people's behavior. I mean, maybe they're people we don't like and who don't like us, but you're still trying to control what they do. That's what you're doing for a living. It's what we're all doing, 'cause we have to. They've got us beat." Mike didn't agree with Ruthie, but still, he was very impressed. At age 18, already she was thinking about "the big issues" in life. She had a mind of her own and was able to intelligently analyze the world that surrounded her. She could think, and given the chance, she could talk. Her mind was not full of pop culture and shallow socializing and status symbols. There was nothing phony or vain about her. The Outsider Ch. 04 ---------- Ruthie accompanied Mike into the dispatch office, even though in theory she wasn't supposed to be in there. Mike smiled as he handed back his machine and about 50 unused envelopes to the dispatcher. "I let you down. I only wrote 352 tickets." "Hun, you are such a slacker. What are we gonna do with you?" "So, what's the record? For a single shift? " Mike's co-worker looked at her computer for a moment. "218. That was four years ago." "That's it?" "That's it hun, 218. Congratulations. You're the new big thing; you're the one they'll be chasing now." ---------- With that, Mike and Ruthie headed back to the dorm cafeteria to have dinner. Her self-confidence improved dramatically, because for the first time she had come across a person in Davenport who hadn't lost interest in talking to her within a few minutes of conversing with her. She also found Mike interesting as a person, because in spite of the nickname she had tagged him with; he really was knowledgeable about a lot of topics. They spent dinner talking about her major of geology and evolution in general. He was not an expert on the matter, but he knew enough to allow her to have an intelligent conversation. She went on about different kinds of rocks, something that would have quickly bored most classmates who were not geologists. However, Mike was genuinely interested. The two students compared notes on their respective majors and then he commented on his dual interest in political science and pharmaceutical studies. By the time they finished, they had been sitting at the table for more than an hour. After dinner the two students had to go their separate ways. Mike had a meeting to go to and Ruthie had to go to the library. However, they both were happy. Mike finally saw the possibility of having a relationship with someone in Davenport, while Ruthie was elated about simply having had a decent conversation and not having to endure the humiliation of eating alone in the cafeteria. ---------- Ruthie stayed the entire night in the library basement studying. She followed her normal custom of taking off her clothes as soon as she realized that she was the only person still on that floor. She put away the books she had taken off the shelves in the nude. That night she went clear to the opposite end of the basement, putting herself at risk, because the elevator separated where she was re-shelving books from where she had her backpack and her clothing. Fortunately no one came downstairs that night. She loved the feeling of the soft breeze from the air-conditioning on her bare skin. For a brief moment she was happy, and danced alone for a few minutes. However, her good mood did not last long. A loudspeaker broke the silence to announce the library would be closing in 10 minutes, meaning that she would have to return to her dorm room and face her nemesis Shannon. The very thought of that unpleasantness canceled the temporary lift her conversation with Mike had given her earlier. The hard reality she faced was that in a few hours she'd have to wake up and endure yet another dreary day of serving coffee and going to class. The Outsider Ch. 05 Chapter 5 -- Counseling The alarm went off just a few hours later. Ruthie was dead-tired and it took her longer than normal to rouse herself. She heard Shannon mumble a complaint about the noise before she finally managed to sit up and hit the "off" button. She got up and made her way to the student center across a campus that still was totally dark and cold. She set up as usual, but did not bother turning on the news. She preferred to be alone with her thoughts. Her vague hope about Mike having paid attention to her and her ongoing hatred of Shannon were jumbled up with a bunch of other worries and concerns. Her mind was wandering more than normal; she was completely unable to focus on any topic for more than a few seconds. Had she been forced to think or engage in an activity she was not accustomed to, she would have had a very difficult time concentrating. However, there was nothing new or challenging about setting up the coffee shop for the day, nothing to tax her already overly-stressed brain. That morning there was a very unfortunate coincidence when Ruthie's co-worker showed up early and Mike came in a few minutes later than normal. He had slept very deeply because the rare silence in his room and had woken up just before 7:00. He ordered the first coffee of the day; Same order as always, black with a small amount of half-and-half, no sugar. With her co-worker present, Ruthie was not very communicative. Mike interpreted her behavior as hostile: he assumed that she was angry at him and that he had offended her in some way. He nervously drank his coffee, said good-bye and put his usual dollar in the tip jar. Ruthie's anxiety turned into despair as she watched Mike depart. Resentment built up inside her, directed at both Mike for showing up late and at her co-worker for messing up her morning with his presence. ---------- Mike left the coffee shop almost as upset as Ruthie. His atrocious luck with women was holding up. He had hoped that maybe, just maybe he could connect with that weird girl in the coffee shop. But obviously something was missing, because he was convinced that he had offended her in some way and had no clue what it could have been. Following his morning classes, Parking Enforcement Officer # 36 picked up his ticketing machine and 400 envelopes. He knew that there would be just as many idiots parking in Econ-A and not paying the meters as the day before. It would take several days of hard-core ticketing before the lot started to clear out. In the meantime he could work on his ticketing stats and vent his anger on all of those arrogant shit-bags who thought they were too cool to pay the meters. BMW's...Jeeps...Escalades...yeah, he was gonna get 'em all. ---------- Ruthie passed an unpleasant morning, not only because of her disappointment over not being able to talk to Mike, but also because she was starting to dislike her co-worker more and more. There were numerous petty disagreements over things such as what music to play and how loud, whose turn it was to clean out the coffee machines, and finally a fifteen-minute smoke break that lasted a half an hour. Towards the end of her shift, Ruthie experienced another unfortunate incident that soured her mood even further. An arrogant sorority bitch, of the sort that Ruthie stereotyped with the bleached hair and huge tits that could not possibly have been natural, ordered a six-dollar mocha-latte. She took back her change and separated the pennies. The bitch put the coins in her purse except for the pennies, which she put in the tip jar. There were three pennies and Ruthie heard them...clink...clink...clink. The sorority girl flashed Ruthie a neutral glance and took her drink. She displayed the same emotion that she would have shown if she were taking something from a vending machine. Suddenly all of the resentment Ruthie felt towards the rich hit her full force. At that moment she was holding a coffee pot full of hot water. The urge to flip up the lid and throw scalding water into the customer's face was overwhelming. She actually did flip up the lid. Her hands began shaking, so much so that boiled water began spilling out of the pot. She felt a sharp pain on her ankle as some of the water splashed on her leg. The pain made her jump and brought her to her senses. Already the sorority bitch had turned and was leaving. However, Ruthie's nerves were on edge, because she realized that she had just come very close to committing a serious crime. It was only 10:00, but Ruthie realized that she needed to leave work. In less than 12 hours she had seriously contemplated suicide and come very close to throwing boiling water at a customer. Her hands were still shaking. She turned to her co-worker. "I need to go." "Well, you can't. You've still got another hour." "Then you can't take 30-minute smoke breaks. I'm leaving, and the deal is I don't say anything about your smoke breaks and you don't say anything about me leaving. Anyhow, it's just for today." Before her co-worker could think of an answer, Ruthie took off her apron and pulled her cash drawer. ---------- Ruthie's mind normally housed a muddle of thoughts at any moment, but she was unusually focused when she left the student center. She realized that she needed help. The thought of committing suicide did not bother her, because she had toyed with the idea for several years. However, the thought of doing something that would send her to jail did scare her. She wouldn't mind dying in the least, but the idea of sitting in jail and having a criminal record was enough motivation for her to take action. Fortunately the university counseling center was not crowded. She was handed a form in which she had to provide her personal information, followed by a long list of questions, including: Do you feel you have trouble expressing your feelings? -- yes Do you feel that no one understands you? -- yes Do you feel that other people treat you unfairly? -- yes Do you have problems getting along with your family? -- yes Do you have problems getting along with co-workers and/or classmates? -- yes Do you have any friends on campus? -- no How often do you go out with other people just for fun? -- never Do you have a roommate? -- yes Please rate your relationship with your roommate from one (lowest) to ten (highest) -- one Please explain -- she's a total bitch and treats me like shit Are your parents divorced? -- yes Do you have regular contact with both parents? -- no Please think of one word to describe your life before you entered college -- sucked Please think of one word to describe your life now -- sucks Do you worry about your financial situation? -- yes Do you have trouble concentrating in class? -- yes Do you have trouble sleeping? -- yes Do you feel lonely? -- yes Some of the time, most of the time, or all of the time? -- All of the time. Do you feel hopeless at times? -- yes Some of the time, most of the time, or all of the time? -- Most of the time. Do you feel depressed? -- yes Some of the time, most of the time, or all of the time? -- Most of the time. Please rate your happiness from one (lowest) to ten (highest) -- one Have you ever thought about hurting yourself? -- yes Have you ever thought about hurting others? -- yes Have you ever considered suicide? -- yes If you have considered suicide, do you have a specific plan? -- yes Fifteen minutes after she turned in the form, the receptionist asked her if she could come to an appointment at 3:00 that afternoon. No problem. Ordinarily that was the time that she'd be sitting under the shade in her "private spot". However, Mike had ensured that the "private spot" would not be so private anymore and she had nothing else going on at that time of the day, so...sure...she could make it. ---------- Shortly before 3:00 Ruthie returned to the counseling center. By that time she was starting to have doubts about actually going to her appointment, but she could not work up the nerve to cancel. She nervously looked around the waiting area. There were two guys waiting as well, one of them somewhat overweight and the other very ordinary-looking. My fellow psychos, she thought to herself. A counselor who introduced herself as Lynn Hartman called Ruthie's name. Hartman was in her mid-30's. She was well-dressed and only slightly taller than Ruthie, with medium-length brown hair done up in a casual style that would have been fine had she been a bit younger, but looked a bit out of place with the rest of her professional appearance. She spoke with the usual soothing voice that it seemed all counselors used with their clients. Ruthie vaguely wondered if they taught counselors to talk like that as part of their major, or if for some reason the soothing way of talking came naturally. When the two women entered Hartman's office, Ruthie plopped herself into the most comfortable chair she had ever sat in. Hell, she thought to herself; I'd come here just to sit in this chair. The office had some props to help calm clients' nerves: a couple of misty landscape photographs, one of those small desktop waterfalls, and a side table with a couple of paperweights that a person could fiddle with while talking. In the background Hartman had some music playing. It was a strange but very soothing song in a foreign language Ruthie did not recognize, sung by the most beautiful woman's voice she had ever heard. As nervous as she was at the moment, Ruthie was curious about the music. Hartman responded that it was from a European group called "Socrates' Mistresses". "Her voice is addictive, isn't it?" Ruthie nodded. Hartman looked over Ruthie's questionnaire and asked her new client to talk about herself and what she was doing at the university. Quickly she found out that Ruthie had no trouble talking about impersonal topics such as her majors, but was much more reserved talking about herself. As the hour progressed, Hartman slowly worked her way towards finding out how close her client really was to "doing harm" to herself or someone else. It was obvious the girl was dealing with plenty of other issues as well, but those would have to wait. The main worry for the moment was the suicide issue. Even when Ruthie talked about general topics, Hartman could tell that the student had been brutally honest on her form about her difficulty connecting with other students and that failure had left her both very depressed and very bitter. Hartman also realized that Ruthie was very literal and that she gauged the world by what people said to her, not by how they acted. What that meant was that if the counselor wanted Ruthie to tell her something, she would not elicit any information by dropping hints. She would have to ask directly. At the same time she could not be overly direct for fear of intimidating her client. She talked in general about the questionnaire and then got to the point. "Ruthie, I'm seeing from your form that you've given suicide some thought." Ruthie looked at the floor and started fidgeting. "I 'spose that's true, Dr. Hartman." "Is that why you came here? To talk about that?" "Not really, Dr. Hartman. If it was just that, it really wouldn't matter. But I did something else today...or almost did it, and it kinda scared me..." Ruthie suddenly became very talkative, rambling on about how close she came to throwing boiling water on a client just because she put three pennies in the tip jar. At first she felt ashamed of herself for being so infuriated over something that was much more an act of thoughtlessness than an insult. When she finished Hartman totally surprised her with her response. "I'm going to tell you that you had every right to be so angry with that customer. I don't think you were imagining things. She was trying to insult you. Had I been in your shoes I would have wanted to do exactly what you wanted to do. To be honest, I think you exercised remarkable self-control in that situation. The fact that you were able to do that says a lot about the strength of your own character." Ruthie looked up, because that was not what she was expecting to hear. Hartman continued: "You have feelings, and there's nothing wrong with that. You should never feel guilty about your feelings. What you need to do is accept your feelings, and then come to terms with what's going on. It sounds like you have a tough life, and maybe we can work on making it less tough for you." Ruthie nodded. "Here's a question for you. Do you think that customer is more important than you? Is she a better person or more worthwhile than you are?" Ruthie thought for a moment. Finally she answered: "I don't think she's better than me. She's worse. I mean, I don't do shit like that to other people." "Then I'm a bit puzzled why you think so little of yourself that you wouldn't come in here to talk about your desire to hurt yourself, but you are willing to talk about hurting someone who insulted you." "It's just because I got scared of getting in trouble. It's not because I think she's more important than I am." "So dying doesn't scare you, but getting in trouble does? Don't you think you have your priorities a bit mixed up?" "No. That's not it. It's just that my life sucks enough as it is. I just don't want it to get any worse." "Ruthie, I want to get back to something you said. When I asked you if you came in here to talk about suicide you told me that 'if it was just that, it really wouldn't matter.' Is that how you look at your own life, that it really doesn't matter?" "Pretty much. I mean, if I had any friends, or anyone who gave a shit about me, or at least I could have some fun, or I had some money to buy what I wanted, then my life would matter. But I don't have any of those things, and everyone hates me. My life sucks, it always has sucked, and it always will suck. So if I kill myself, what difference does it make?" "I'd like to think that our time together can help you see that your life isn't pointless, and really is worth living, and that it does make a difference." Hartman looked at her client hoping for an answer, but the only response Ruthie could come up with was to shrug her shoulders. The counselor was not surprised, because the student was dealing with a lot of issues. She suspected that they had only touched the surface of everything that was bothering Ruthie and that it would take several sessions before she could even come up with a preliminary diagnosis. What was most important was that Ruthie had someone to talk to, which hopefully would forestall any crises until Hartman could come up with a strategy that would help her pull herself out of her emotional abyss. Communication was vital. "We'll set up an appointment for next week, but in the meantime I want you to keep two things in mind. I'll give you a couple of my cards, and if you need to get a hold of me you can reach me through the emergency counseling line, or you can e-mail me. There's another thing I'd like you to do. I want you to keep a journal. Write whatever you want in there, but of course it would help us the most if you could talk about your feelings or about stuff that is bothering you." Noting the skeptical look on her client's face, Hartman elaborated: "I know it's more work for you, as though you don't have enough as it is. But you're going to forget things if you don't write them down; stuff that you're dealing with throughout the week, maybe memories from high school, your family...it's all important. And always remember that what happens to you does matter to me." ---------- Ruthie left the counselor's office in a somewhat better frame of mind than upon going in. She was looking forward to having someone to talk to, even if that person was paid to listen to her and viewed her with the detached label of "patient". I suppose she's seen plenty of us psychos over the years. I'm probably nothing special compared to some of the others she's had to deal with. Out of curiosity she passed by the sidewalk of the economics building to see what was going on in lot Econ-A. The majority of the cars already had red envelopes on their windshields, except for a handful of people who had wised up and already started paying the meters. Ruthie knew that if Mike kept at it, the next day more meters would be paid, and more the day after that. He had explained that eventually non-compliance in the lot would be reduced to about 30-40 hard-core violators, students who would continue to challenge him until their cars got towed. ---------- Ruthie wanted to talk to Mike, but she was too full of self-doubt at that moment, in spite of the slight emotional lift that Lynn Hartman was able to give her. Instead she wandered in the direction of her next class in the Foreign Language Building. The usual muddle of thoughts returned to Ruthie's mind as she approached her class. She saw a street preacher arguing with a couple of Hari Khristnas. She resisted the urge to scream: "You're all full of shit! You and you stupid imaginary friends and your money-grubbing bullshit! That crap doesn't exist!" She remained lost in her internal world as she walked around to the other side of the building and crossed the bike path. Just as she approached the main entrance of Foreign Language Building she heard a sudden screech of bike tires and felt a very hard blow against her arm. She saw a bright yellow flash as she fell on the cement. The young woman on the bicycle who had just hit her struggled to regain control and not crash. "Watch it, you stupid bitch!" Ruthie was sitting on ground where she fell. The wind had been knocked out of her and for a second she was too shocked to react. The girl on the bicycle, seeing that Ruthie was not much of an opponent, decided to circle back and confront her. "What the fuck is wrong with you? You fucking stupid or what?" "I...I wasn't looking...sorry..." "I nearly got fucking killed because of you! I oughta kick your fucking ass! Dumb-ass bitch!" The bicyclist dismounted and gave Ruthie's backpack a tremendous kick that sent it rolling into the grass. Still in shock over the blow to her arm and having been knocked down, Ruthie struggled to get up. The bicyclist pushed her to the ground. "If I ever see you walking in the bike lane again, I'll fuck you up, you stupid piece of shit!" Having established her dominance, the bicyclist mounted and rode off. Several students were looking at Ruthie, but none offered to help her. She struggled to her feet and noticed that one of her knees was skinned. Her t-shirt had a tear on the side where she had been hit. She reached for her backpack and with dismay noticed that it was wet. Even before she opened it she knew why: she had a carton of apple juice in with her books, and it must have broken open when that girl kicked the pack. She pulled out several very wet books and dumped out what was left of the juice. Ruthie's eyes welled up with tears as she went into the women's bathroom and tried to wipe off her books. She wrapped them in paper towels, hoping to sop up as much of the juice as possible. She put some soap on her scrape and winced at the sting. Then she looked at the shirt in the mirror. It was badly torn under the arm and could not be fixed. She forced herself to go to class, even though she was late and feeling very sick to her stomach. Fortunately the professor realized by looking at her that she had just been in an accident and said nothing as she sat down. She spent the rest of the class trying to listen, but with the trauma of the bicycle crash fresh in her mind there was no way she could pay attention. The shock and pain of the accident faded as the class wore on, but those emotions were replaced by frustration, anger, and eventually, self-loathing. Ruthie mourned her ruined books and torn shirt, but what truly upset her was the fact that she had been totally unable to react when that bicyclist accosted her. The other student was the one who had run into her, and yet it was Ruthie who ended up taking the blame. The Outsider Ch. 05 Why was it always like this? Why was she always the loser of each and every confrontation she had ever been in? What was wrong with her, that she was so totally incapable of sticking up for herself? ---------- By the time Ruthie left class, her depression had returned stronger than ever. She knew the pattern: something unpleasant or traumatic would happen, she would have a burst of anger that eventually turned into self-loathing, and finally that faded into a numbness that could last for several hours or several days. She resisted the temptation to toss her books into the trash. She wanted to, because from that point forward seeing the stained pages and smelling spoiled apple juice always would remind her of the ugly encounter with that bitch on the bicycle. However, she had to keep the books, no matter what condition they were in, because she did not have the money to buy replacements. Ruthie wandered aimlessly in the twilight as the numb dead feeling penetrating her soul intensified. Her shoulder was starting to hurt, which left her wondering if she may have sustained injuries beyond bruises and her scraped knee. I hope so, she thought to herself. I hope I have internal bleeding and I go to bed and don't wake up tomorrow. That would be nice. ---------- Ruthie needed to study, but there was no way she could concentrate given her bleak mood. She wandered around campus in the gathering darkness. She would miss dinner at the dorm, but at that point she didn't care. She walked along the sidewalk, alone. Always alone. A group of sorority girls passed her and did not even notice that she was there. Several couples walked by, followed by two professors arguing about a grant program. The point was that none of those other people were alone, but Ruthie was. Again she asked herself: what is wrong with me? Am I really so disgusting? She walked all around campus, ignoring the smell of stale apple juice coming from her backpack and the pain in her shoulder. Whenever she got to the edge of campus, she turned around and walked in a different direction. In the darkness she was afraid to go beyond the confines of the university. Anyhow there was no point in leaving because there were no interesting stores or entertainment in Davenport. For entertainment and shopping, students needed to drive to Santa Cruz and Ruthie had no car, as she had confessed to Mike earlier in the week. She had no friends, either. That too, she had confessed. The inadvertent admission was so humiliating because it was true. After nearly two months on campus, Ruthie did not have any friends in Davenport. There was no one to give her a ride to Santa Cruz and no one to hang out with. She watched cars go by, most of them full of groups of students leaving the university. Ruthie Burns was not going anywhere. She would stay behind. She returned to her room and found that her roommate was not there. She went to bed, relieved that for the moment she did not have to face yet another person who hated her. The Outsider Ch. 06 Chapter 6 - An evening in Santa Cruz The next morning Ruthie's alarm went off at 4:30 am. She put on her usual shorts and t-shirt. She normally wore athletic shoes with her shorts, but her shoulder hurt so much that she did not want to bother with tying the laces. She settled for a pair of slip-on sandals and made her way through the darkness to the Student Center. At first she felt somewhat better than she had felt the night before, but after she had been at work for an hour her depression returned. She turned off the news, not wanting to hear anything that would depress her further. Slowly and mechanically she finished setting up. She dreaded the thought of having to deal with customers, given her down mood and painful shoulder, but she did not have the nerve to call the manager to ask for the morning off. Although the coffee shop did not open until 7:00, Mike showed up 15 minutes early, hoping to talk to her and get beyond the unpleasant silence from the previous day's visit. He had debated to himself whether or not he should even bother to get coffee at all, given that Ruthie had brushed him off the previous day. Finally he reasoned that he could not be completely sure that was indeed what she had done, given that her behavior never was quite "normal" and there was a very good chance something was bothering her that had nothing to do with him. Anyhow, if he did not go, he would spend the rest of the day wondering. It was better that he get his answer right away, before the weekend. The moment he saw her, he could tell that something was very wrong. He didn't bother to say good morning. "Are you OK, Ruthie?" "I guess." "And I'd guess not. You don't look OK to me." Ruthie looked away. Her eyes were full of tears, but she did not want him to see. He added: "I mean...if it's not too personal, you might as well tell me what happened." "It's nothing...really...an accident...I sort of got into an accident yesterday." "Yeah, I gathered that. That's a pretty bad scrape you've got on your knee..." Ruthie nodded. "You put some medicine on it?" She nodded again. "Actually, it's my shoulder I'm worried about. It didn't hurt too bad last night, but it's hurting now. I'm wondering if I pulled something." "Well, you're gonna have to go to the Medical Center to find out." Ruthie nodded again. Mike continued: "OK, so you've got a banged up knee and a messed up shoulder. What'd you do, fall off a bicycle?" "No, but it was a bicycle. This girl ran into me outside the Language Building. I wasn't paying attention and she ran into me when I crossed the bike lane." "What was she doing, riding there?" "What do you mean, what was she doing?" "The area around the Language Building is a dismount zone. What the hell was she doing, riding her bicycle there anyway?" Mike pressed Ruthie for the details of the incident. Reluctantly she told him what happened. By the time she finished, he was livid. "OK...we have a bicyclist who was driving recklessly and hit a pedestrian in a dismount zone. Then she assaulted you and left the scene of an accident. As far as I'm concerned, that's some pretty serious shit!" "So, what am I supposed to do about it?" "I'll tell you what you need to do. You need to file a report with the Campus Police Department and when they find her, you need to press charges." "That's bullshit! What good's that gonna do?" "To start out with, do you have insurance? If your shoulder's busted, how are you gonna pay to get it fixed?" Ruthie shook her head. Of course she didn't have insurance. "She's the one who hit you, so she's the one who's gotta pay. But that won't happen unless you file a report." "I 'spose..." The tone of Ruthie's voice told Mike that she might be willing to file the report, but only if he made it convenient for her and walked her through it. He could not expect her to go over to the Campus Police Department on her own. He pondered how to convince her to take some time off from her job so he could take her to see the police. Then, by sheer luck, he noticed a campus cop with whom he had worked during several football games walking through the main door of the Student Center. He called the officer over to the coffee shop and explained Ruthie's accident. Ruthie expected nothing to come of the conversation, so she was surprised when the officer took out his clipboard. It turned out that Mike was right and that the officer was taking the incident seriously. He pressed Ruthie for details, especially for a physical description of the girl that hit her and the identities of possible witnesses. When Ruthie finished, the cop had another surprise for her. "I think I know who it is...the bicyclist, I mean. If it's who I'm thinking of, it wouldn't be the first time we've talked to her." The officer handed Ruthie an envelope. "Take this over to the medical center, turn it in to the receptionist, and get yourself looked at. Whatever injuries you have will have to be documented here, so don't put it off." The coffee shop manager showed up just as the cop was about to leave, which was another piece of good luck for Ruthie. It turned out that she did not have to explain anything to her boss about needing to take time off because the cop explained for her. A few minutes later Mike and Ruthie were on their way to the Student Medical Center. ---------- As they crossed the university, both Mike and Ruthie realized that their lives were about to change. The depression that Ruthie had sunk into had completely vanished after she had been told by the cop that she was definitely not at fault for the accident and that the bicyclist, if caught, would face criminal charges. She shyly glanced over at Mike, feeling strong and yet conflicting emotions. She was grateful for his help, but more importantly, she was grateful that he actually cared about what happened to her. However, being a person who was not used to having intimate relationships with people her own age, she found the prospect of being close to Mike frightening because she did not know what to expect from him. The thoughts going on in Mike's mind were even more complicated than those of Ruthie. Whatever his faults, he was a natural "Good Samaritan" who wanted to help those around him, especially people he knew. His obsession with "fairness" also entered into his efforts, because he felt that his classmate had been the victim of a huge injustice. He hated that arrogant bicyclist who had treated her so atrociously and wanted to do what he could to ensure that she would be prosecuted. As important as Mike's over-all attitude about helping others might have been, what really mattered to him was the fact he was attracted to Ruthie. Her weirdness fascinated him. She was not a girl who played by the rules of modern society, as was made clear by her unkempt appearance and scanty clothing. That unwillingness to try to please others by conforming to fashion expectations might have been one factor our of many that caused others to reject Ruthie Burns, but it was a huge point in her favor according to Mike's values and criteria for choosing a potential partner. Already he was starting to feel protective of her, so much so that he missed a class to stay with her at the Student Medical Center. It turned out that Ruthie had just pulled a couple of muscles in her shoulder and that she would just need to avoid straining the joint and take some Motrin to calm the pain. The intern was more concerned about her knee, which was just starting to show signs of infection. The scrape would require some antibiotics. The most important task however, was to verify that Ruthie's bruises were consistent with having been hit by a bicyclist going at a high rate of speed. The intern filled out the form, which he would turn over to the campus police later that day to add to the incident report. Ruthie still was surprised at the thought that the police really were planning to investigate the collision. It was close to lunchtime when the two students left the clinic. There was just enough time for them to eat together. Not knowing what else to talk about, Ruthie complained about her ruined books. Mike sympathized, realizing that she must have been dirt-poor to be so stressed out over some books. Finally he decided to change the subject, working up the nerve to ask her out. "A quick question...have you started getting tired of dorm food?" "I 'spose..." "I was asking, because I was wondering if you'd like to go down to Santa Cruz with me...you know, to have dinner...walk around...just to get out of Davenport for a bit." Ruthie started to fidget. She gave him a quick glance. "I...I guess that'd be OK." "There's a lot of places downtown. I'll let you pick." Ruthie nodded. "I'm off work at 5:00. Will that be OK for you?" Ruthie nodded again. Mike could tell that she was nervous. What he did not realize was that she was totally terrified, because he would be the first guy she had gone out with in over a year. ---------- Santa Cruz is one of a string of affluent towns that lie along the central coast of California, which also include Monterey, Carmel, and Big Sur. As a result of the local wealth, the process of big-box homogenization that has overrun the US has been slower to affect the Pacific towns and there still are interesting and unique things to see there. Santa Cruz also is a place where there are still some remnants of 1960's hippie culture and the New Age movement of the 1980's, both of which have totally vanished in the rest of the US. In the downtown area of Santa Cruz there are plenty of local restaurants, book stores, and stores that sell totally useless "artistic" decorations. There are clothing stores that cater to the marijuana crowd and of course, stores that cater to the surfing crowd. Mike had plenty of opinions about Santa Cruz. He held the artistic crowd in disdain and was even more cynical about the hippies. "What a bunch of losers, those hippies. They were so big about changing the world, and the only thing they accomplished was sticking society with a drug problem. So idealistic, but they made sure they sucked up all the decent jobs and didn't leave us shit, and now they're whining about how we're gonna pay for their retirement." Ruthie said nothing, because there was no trace of hippie culture in Salinas and had nothing from her own experience to judge Mike's comment. As for the groups of oddly-dressed teenagers roaming about, he commented: "They're just a bunch of spoiled brats trying to piss off their parents." She responded: "It's better than what they're doing down in Salinas." "How's that?" "Where I'm from, if you try acting weird the gang-bangers are gonna beat you up." Even though in high school she had lived barely 40 minutes to the south, Ruthie had never been to the downtown area of Santa Cruz. She found the place extremely interesting and totally alien to what she was used to seeing. Prior to graduating from high school, her world had consisted of the fast-food restaurants and big-box stores that her mother and cousins frequented in Salinas. Even going to the local mall was a big deal for her, since there wasn't much in the mall that her mother wanted or needed. Her cousins went to the mall more frequently, but Ruthie's mother was leery of having her accompany them and falling under their "ungodly influence". Mike was much more familiar with Santa Cruz than was Ruthie, since he had grown up in a suburb that was just a few miles to the south. He commented that he liked the bookstores more than anything else. As wide-eyed as she was with all the shops full of strange stuff, like her classmate she gravitated towards the bookstores and the used music stores. A lot of the books she had read as a teenager were present on the shelves, tempting her to spend the tiny amount of money in her pocket. The bookstores proved vital to the growing friendship between Mike and Ruthie, because they were able to talk about books they had both read and avoid a lot of uncomfortable silence. They laughed when they came across a collection of stories by Somerset Maugham and saw that "Mr. Know-it-all" was included. Ruthie then picked up an English translation of "Pedro Paramo" and held it up. "This is a really neat book, but I read it in Spanish. I didn't know they had it in English" "It was one of your favorites in school?" "Yeah. I read it a bunch of times. It's the best book I ever seen, 'cause I think Rulfo understands the meaning of life more than anyone else I've ever read. I mean, I've read a lot of stuff, but this one's the best." Ruthie noticed that Mike kept the book in his hand. They passed over to the religious section and Ruthie's mood changed. She commented: "There's so much bullshit in here. It's all crap and lies. I'd ban it if I could." "You'd ban religion?" "If I could, yeah, I'd ban religion. Outlaw all of it. Stick all the believers in jail and not let 'em out until they admit they're lying. I'm so sick of these God freaks and fucking holy books and all their shit." Suddenly Ruthie blushed, because she realized that she had just made a very strong statement without knowing anything about her companion's religious beliefs. Mike was silent for a moment, because it's not every day one hears a person saying that people should go to jail for being religious. He tried to set her at ease without exactly agreeing with her: "I certainly don't think it should be in politics. I don't think I'd go so far as banning it completely, because I think that would be counter-productive. But I would like to see a law that would force public officials to be religiously neutral. I wouldn't let a politician pray in public, for example, or associate himself with a particular church, or talk about morality in religious terms. That's something I would support." The uncomfortable moment of Ruthie's outburst passed, but it left Mike wondering about her. That was not the first time she had given an opinion that was overly strong. She was prone to outbursts, a trait that could be both good and bad. At least he would know where she stood on any given issue, but at the same time felt uneasy about being with a person who could not control what she said. Mike guessed that his classmate's tendency to give overly strong opinions might be one of the causes of her isolation. Ruthie was flattered when Mike actually bought the copy of "Pedro Paramo", solely based on her comment that she thought it was the best book she had ever read. He cared enough about her to take an interest in something that had touched her life. Mike still did not have a clue what type of food Ruthie wanted and she seemed overwhelmed by the choices. He decided on a restaurant that had a general selection of food. When she saw the prices she was very shy about ordering. When he tried to coax her into choosing something, she responded: "Just get me whatever you're having. I've never been here, so I don't know what's good." The restaurant put Ruthie in an uncomfortable situation. She felt that Mike was spending an inordinate amount of money on a single meal. She didn't want to tell him not to spend on her, but at the same time felt very nervous about asking for something what would cost him $ 25. So, rather than order herself, she wanted him to order on her behalf and that would allow him to decide what he ought to spend on her. As soon as Mike realized that she was uneasy with the situation, he realized the best thing to do was order a variety plate for two people. Mike noted that as uncomfortable as Ruthie may have been about ordering, she certainly had no problem eating once the food was served. She had not gone off-campus a single time since the semester began, so she was eager to eat something different from what was served at Watson Hall. There was an uncomfortable moment when they finished dinner and returned to the street, because Mike was unsure what to do next. He had no idea whether Ruthie was getting bored, whether she wanted to return to Davenport or stay in Santa Cruz. She could not suggest anything, because she had never been in Santa Cruz and did not know what there was to see there. "Are you OK?" "I guess." "Are you ready to head back?" "I 'spose..." In spite of her answer, Mike could tell that Ruthie was disappointed at the suggestion. "If you're not ready to go home, there's a boardwalk here that goes out along the beach. Wanna see it before we head back?" "OK." The boardwalk gave Mike the chance to talk more about Santa Cruz, and for Ruthie to start opening up about Salinas and Lincoln. He realized that she liked to talk much more about Nebraska than Salinas, even though she had not seen it for six years. One interesting detail was that she never talked about family members unless specifically asked: she stuck to describing what things were like and to commenting about how various details of daily life in Nebraska were so much better than Salinas. She talked about her father's house and neighborhood in Lincoln, but never about her father. The same was true about Salinas; she only talked about it in general terms. There was an uncomfortable moment when, out of curiosity, he asked: "If you like Nebraska so much, have you thought about going back there?" "Not really. I've lost touch with everyone I knew there." "And your dad?" "I don't ever want to see him. And I don't really want to talk about him." Their conversation touched on John Steinbeck and the Steinbeck museum in Salinas, something they both had visited in high school. Like Ruthie, Mike had been the only member of his student tour group who had any interest in Steinbeck whatsoever. In Mike's case his interest in the 1930's was because his great-grandfather had moved to Santa Cruz during the Depression and shortly thereafter started Sinclair Pharmacy. "Your family owns a pharmacy?" "We used to own a pharmacy. My dad had to close it three years ago." "Had to?" "Mega-Mart. They shut us down, along with most of the other businesses in my neighborhood." Over the next few minutes Mike told Ruthie the story of Sinclair Pharmacy; how he was supposed to inherit it, but how instead Mega-Mart had put them under. "That's why I hate them so much...why I'm always wearing these pig-slogan shirts. For me it's personal. MTA fucked up my life. I'll tell you this, if the Danubians ever ask me to pick up a gun and fire at them, I will. There's a lot of us who will." "Then I guess you won't like hearing that Mega-Mart was the only place my mom ever wanted to shop. I always hated it because it was so depressing to be in there, but she'd make me go so I could carry her stuff." Ruthie sympathized with Mike's situation, because Mega-Mart had completely overrun Salinas. It was interesting to hear from a person who had experienced first hand what it was like to be put out of business by the conglomerate. Ruthie's experiences with Mega-Mart consisted of just shopping, but she had heard on the news about the tremendous damage the Mega-Town business model had inflicted in communities like the one where she grew up. During her senior year in high school she had tried to convince her mother to stop shopping at Mega-Mart, but "she looked at me like I was totally crazy, like I was telling her to run out on the highway or something." By the time they returned to Mike's car, the two students felt very close to each other emotionally. They had talked about a lot of different things and had discovered that they had much in common. There were plenty of differences as well, but those differences made each more interesting to the other. They both were very happy as Mike drove out of Santa Cruz and they made their way back towards Davenport, but they were happy for somewhat different reasons The Outsider Ch. 06 Mike already was feeling romantic towards Ruthie. Not only was she the only woman who had paid any attention to him at all since the break-up with Lisa; it turned out that she was knowledgeable and interesting to talk to. Pushing through the emotional barrier of her shyness and her inability to make small talk took some patience, but once that initial barrier had been passed, he could talk to her about almost anything. Ruthie's feelings towards Mike were not romantic in the least, but she felt a very deep appreciation for the one person who had paid attention to her since she started classes in the fall. She desperately needed a friend, and now it seemed that she had one. He was willing to talk to her, do favors for her, spend his time with her, and most importantly, listen to her. ---------- A few minutes later Mike returned to campus and parked close to Ruthie's dorm. Even though she was used to walking alone on campus late at night, he insisted on seeing her safely back to her room. The hallway was largely empty, but a couple of Ruthie's floor-mates glanced at her with surprise to see that a guy actually was bringing her back to her room. Fortunately Shannon and her boyfriend already had gone out, so for once Ruthie would have the room to herself after she said goodnight to Mike. There was no hint that Mike would go into Ruthie's room, because he did not feel that he knew her well enough to step into her sleeping area. Anyhow, she did not invite him in. They did not really know how to say goodnight. Finally Mike broke the silence by asking what she was doing the next day. Studying, that was about it. When he suggested getting together for breakfast, she smiled slightly and nodded. "Is 8:30 OK for you?" Ruthie nodded again. They nervously hugged each other goodnight and with that their first evening out came to an end. ---------- Mike returned to his own dorm building, happier than he had been in a very long time. When he opened the door to his room, his loser roommate Todd was at his computer, playing his monster game of course. Todd was totally engrossed in what he was doing and seemed not to have noticed Mike entering the room. He did not put on his headphones, which he normally did whenever his roommate was present. The prospect of dealing with his roommate's online gaming all night somewhat dampened Mike's good mood, but then he realized something. It seemed that Todd's online battle was not going well, because he was swearing and desperately going through on-line menus. Mike watched over his roommate's shoulder with vague interest for a few minutes as his situation worsened. Suddenly Todd's character took a hit and electronic blood spattered on the screen. "Fuck! Godammit!" Several flashing warnings came up: "Yeah-yeah, I know! I know!" When more electronic blood splashed on the screen Todd became increasingly desperate. Mike knew just enough about the online game to understand that his roommate's character was seriously injured and at risk of dying. "Sonofabitch!" Another hit, and more electronic blood... "NO! GODAMMIT! NO!!!!!!!" More flashing warnings... "Come-on godammit, help me! HELP ME!!!!" A few more minutes of desperation...and then quiet funeral music started playing... "Sonofabitch! NO! Fuck! FUCK! GODAMMIT! NO!!!!!!!" Todd's character lay peacefully on a dark screen, as electronic spirits came to take his soul to the game's afterlife. A poem in medieval script informed him that he had fought well, but we all must pass away at some point. His time had come... Todd threw his keyboard off to the side and pounded his desk. He was crying. Awesome! And Mike had been there to see it happen! He tried to maintain a neutral expression as he took off his clothes and grabbed his shower stuff. He smiled as soon as he was out of the room. This was his day. Not one, but two great things had happened in the same evening. The Outsider Ch. 07 Chapter 7 - A day in Monterey Mike woke up the next morning after the best night of sleep he had enjoyed for several months. He felt not just rested, but truly refreshed. He had gone to bed happy and woken up happy. On top of his good mood, he slept well because for the first time all semester he had not had to put up with the muffled sounds of electronic warfare coming out of Todd's headphones. Todd had crawled on top of his bed and went to sleep in his street clothes shortly after Mike returned from the shower. He didn't even bother to take off his shoes. He slept curled up in a fetal position with his back to Mike. There was nothing normal about his behavior; it seemed that the life had gone out of him. Mike quietly turned off his roommate's computer. Todd did not react. Mike had silently gloated as he watched his roommate's online life come to a bloody end, but in the morning, looking at the listless body on the bed in front of him, he started to feel somewhat guilty. He knew that Todd was a serious addict, addicted to gaming every bit as much as a gambler is addicted to slot machines or Poker. Like any other addict, he was experiencing withdrawal, in his case because he could no longer play his on-line game as the character he had been using for the past 18 months. Sure...he could start over with a new character, but there was no chance whatsoever he could attain the same ranking with a new character that he had with his old one. The quality of his gaming experience, no matter how much effort he put into building a new character, would never match what he had lost when his old character was killed. Mike was convinced that what his roommate needed do was to forget about gaming altogether for the rest of the year and try to fix his grades. Probably there still was time for him to salvage the semester. The perceived commitments that he had with his battle partners disappeared when his character died. Besides...what did he owe them anyway? Wasn't it his battle partners who failed to protect Todd's character when he was injured, and just let him die? Maybe he should take that as a hint that he took his own commitment to the game, and specifically to his battle group, way too seriously. Mike had wanted to say all that, but his roommate's curled back indicated that at least for the moment he would be unresponsive. Better let it wait and try to talk after he woke up. Still, Mike felt very uneasy. Todd was going through a serious psychological crisis and there was no guarantee whatsoever he would come out of it OK. Even if he did recover, probably it would take a couple of weeks and by then his window of opportunity to salvage his grades would have closed. Then he would have another crisis: failing the semester. ---------- Todd's predicament made Mike even more grateful for his own life as he stepped out of his building into a cool overcast October morning. The weather forecast promised to become sunny later on, so he looked forward to a pleasant day. He would have breakfast with Ruthie and perhaps take her out of Davenport again. He wondered what would be better, taking her somewhere during the day, or asking her out that night. Finally he settled on suggesting they go out during the day, figuring that might be less intimidating for her. Ruthie already had stepped outside, given that Shannon had woken up and turned on the TV to chase her out of the room. Mike noticed that she seemed relieved to see him, because she looked out of place sitting by herself on the grass outside her dorm building. She was dressed in her usual shorts and loose-fitting T-shirt. She wore nothing else apart from a pair of old athletic shoes. She looked like she had just gotten out of bed, because her hair was not combed. Ruthie had expected to go to Watson Hall, but Mike offered to take her off-campus to Santa Cruz. Ruthie was elated at that idea. On the way in to town he gave her a summary of what was going on with Todd. Then he mentioned that there was a statue of a surfer that overlooked the main city beach area of Santa Cruz. Ruthie giggled: "A statue of a surfer? Can we check it out? That I've gotta see." Sure enough, Santa Cruz boasts a statue of a surfer, the city's monument to its best known recreational activity. The surfer stands in a boxer-style swimsuit, holding up an old-style surfing board from the 1960's. The statue was done in the same style as war memorial monuments typical of the US National Park Service. The detail that Ruthie found the most comical was the guy's noble expression; with his head turned into the air resolutely looking like he was about to go off to battle. "This is just too funny. We've got to get a picture of it." Mike took a photograph of Ruthie in front of the statue, and then asked a passer-by to take a shot of them together. It was the first picture documenting their relationship. The surfer statue put both Mike and Ruthie into much better moods. They were able to enjoy a laugh over something they both felt was silly. Ruthie mentioned the big artichoke statue at a restaurant near Salinas and Mike jokingly chided her: "So you're laughing at a surfer, and you guys in Salinas have to look at a big artichoke?" "It's not just an artichoke, Mike. It's the great artichoke...the artichoke that gives meaning to all life...or at least makes people look twice at that restaurant." Mike smiled at Ruthie's sarcasm. ---------- They had breakfast just south of downtown Santa Cruz. They talked about the university and exchanged information about classes and majors. Ruthie talked some more about her interest in evolution, which gave Mike an idea: "Just thinking...since you're interested in stuff like that, would you want to go to Monterey and see the aquarium?" "I'd love that!" They drove south towards Salinas, and from there would head back towards the Pacific to see Monterey. The trip would take each of them past a sight full of unpleasant memories and thoughts: Watsonville for Mike and Salinas for Ruthie. Just after they passed Watsonville, the traffic slowed down. For several minutes Mike drove in a traffic jam full of cars from the Saturday shopping crowd. The view of the countryside was blocked by enormous billboards which took advantage of the captive audience. A lot of the billboards were for fast-food restaurants, but many others featured the infamous clown face and Mega-Mart's slogans: Buy more stuff at Mega-Mart! At Mega-Mart your money buys more stuff! Mega-Mart -- The biggest! Mega-Mart -- Bigger is always better! Mega-Mart -- Be part of our future! Mega-Mart -- We are the future! Mega-Mart -- The future belongs to us! ...and their latest slogan: America and Mega-Mart -- partners in greatness! That last slogan was taken from the most recent marketing campaign, which portrayed Mega-Mart's enemies as being enemies of the United States and "the American way of life". That list of enemies included of course, the Danubian government, but it also included groups such as the one to which Mike belonged at Davenport State University. Just recently Mega-Town Associates had successfully promoted a Federal law expanding the definition of "hate speech" to anti-corporate slogans. Among other things, if Mike were to set foot in a Mega-Mart wearing his t-shirt, he could be prosecuted under the new law, sentenced to six months in jail, and placed on a terrorist watch list. Once they got close to the Mega-Mart exits, the traffic began to speed up again as the hoards of shoppers left the highway. There were three exits to the Watsonville Mega-Center, each four lanes wide; that fed into a parking lot that boasted space for 50,000 cars in the open area, plus several parking garages. Beyond that black desert of asphalt lay the Mega-Mart Mega-Center itself. It was a building the size of six football fields, which from a distance looked like an enormous gray and yellow box. Two of the ubiquitous clown's heads, each five stories high, framed a series of glass doors through which tens of thousands of shoppers passed every day, morning and night, without stop. Ruthie commented that she wondered whether her mother and aunt were somewhere down in that huge parking lot, or perhaps in the store itself. "They've been coming here every Saturday since this place opened." "Them and the rest of the country." For several more minutes they continued southward across open fields of vegetables. Ruthie commented: "It's kinda funny that people think these vegetables are so healthy. If you knew all the shit they spray on top and what they put in the soil, and put in the plants themselves...you'd probably never eat anything green again." "Except that meat's even worse." "...and that's what I meant when I said they've got us beat. You can't eat meat and you can't eat vegetables without eating a bunch of chemicals." As they passed through Salinas, Ruthie pointed out several landmarks, including her high school and the places where her mother, uncle, and one of her cousins worked. She pointed out the dilapidated shopping center that contained her mother's church and talked at length about her religious experiences growing up. They discussed religion, a topic of which Ruthie was extremely knowledgeable, in spite of her loathing towards anyone who was an actual believer. "I 'spose I'd find it more interesting if I didn't have it pushed on me so hard by my mom. But for me it's personal. I can't read too much about it nowadays without getting pissed off." "A question...was there ever a time when you did believe in God?" "Yeah...I did...I guess up until I was 16. Before that I was always on all these guilt trips when I was like 14-15 or so. I was real scared of being watched all the time, and I kinda resented it. I was thinking... 'God, you're always watching me, so how come you don't come down here and help me out every so often?' I'd pray for stuff, but I never got one single thing I wanted. Not one single fucking thing. And it wasn't as though I was praying for money or anything like that, 'cause I knew that we were supposed to be poor and God was OK with that and that to want money was sinful...but I'd pray for stuff like having friends in Salinas or hearing from my friends in Nebraska, or maybe hearing from my dad, or being a bit happier. I never got any of those things, so in the end...I just prayed that God could change my attitude towards my own life, to have Satan leave me alone and be content with what God gave me. I didn't even get that. So I finally gave up on praying 'cause it wasn't doing me any good." "...and you were...about 16 or so when that happened?" "Yeah...towards the end of my sophomore year...Anyhow, at that time I was reading a bunch of stuff about ancient Rome and Egypt, I was kinda escaping into that time...there was this one Roman queen called Livia Drusilla who poisoned a whole bunch of people she didn't like and I envied her and wished I could do the same thing around my school...anyhow, I started reading about the early Christian church and how it got started. And that's when I realized there was a whole bunch of really interesting stuff written about the Bible that had nothing to do with the 'how to be a better Christian' bullshit you see in the bookstores. So I started reading about all that. My mom thought it was great that I was so interested in the Bible all of a sudden, but what she didn't realize was that I was reading real history and academic stuff, not 'how to be a better Christian'. I kept at it for a year and even did a couple of term papers for my world history class in high school." As Mike turned onto the road to Monterey, Ruthie stopped: "Am I boring you with all this?" "No, not at all. It's interesting." "OK...if you're good with it...I'll go on. Anyhow, I started arguing with my Bible-study leader and I loved to embarrass her, 'cause I actually knew a lot more about the Bible than she did. Whenever she got a fact wrong I'd correct her and I could talk about ancient Hebrew and Greek society, which she didn't know a thing about. Finally one day after we were done and everyone had left, she told me that she wanted to talk to me. She told me: 'you know what? You may know what's written in the Bible, but for you it's not the Living Word; to you it's dead. You're so arrogant that you don't understand what the Living Word is. You have raised yourself up with your sinful conceit, you don't know humility before the Lord, and you don't have Jesus in your heart. I don't know what's inside your heart, but I can tell you it isn't Jesus.' The only reason I didn't say anything was because I didn't want it getting back to my mom, but she was right, and I was glad about it. I didn't have Jesus in my heart. I knew that I was free from Jesus." They sat quietly for a few minutes as they passed the hilly countryside that separated Salinas from Monterey. The memory of that encounter came back to her in detail, the reproaching expression of a young woman who was only a couple of years older than she was...full of the 'authority of God' in her own mind. Ruthie continued speaking on the topic she was most passionate about: "At that moment I felt that my mind completely broke free, because I realized that my Bible-study leader had no right to bitch at me. I knew more facts about the Bible than anyone else in my church, and at that moment I realized that the Holy Book could not have possibly been written by God. I knew from my own reading that the Bible was assembled piecemeal from old scripts that had been re-written over and over and selected from thousands of potential variations, by men who were worried about themselves and their own agendas at a particular time in history. Those bastards were hateful, ignorant, misogynistic people who had nothing but their own interests in mind. That's the foundation for the Judeo-Christian religion. That's the origin of the Bible, the real origin. God had nothing to do with it. God couldn't have written the Bible because God doesn't exist. That's what I realized that night, talking to that ignoramus." Mike noticed that Ruthie's face was tensed up and her hands were shaking slightly. "After I went home that night, I thought about something. It wasn't just Jesus. I didn't believe in God anymore, but I didn't know that much about the alternative, science. I didn't know shit about evolution, because I was too busy reading up on ancient history and biblical studies. So I knew I needed to fix that. I'd make sure those fuckers in the church couldn't ever touch my mind again. I'd fix it so that I'd win every argument I ever got into. So I read up on evolution...the origins of the earth, dinosaurs, paleontology, genetics, carbon dating, plate tectonics, the Big Bang...I read about it all. The astronomy part gave me some headaches because I'm not good with math and some of the theory based on those big equations confuses me. But I figured that I could at least understand what they were talking about, even if I didn't get all the details." "What did your mom have to say about that?" "She never knew. I hid the library books under my bed, the ones that talked about evolution and the history of the earth. I didn't worry about the Biblical history books because I could always tell her I wanted to understand the Bible better, which was true, but just not the way she thought. I did real well in my science classes at school, but she never put two-and-two together to figure out that I had gotten into all that because I no longer bought the line of crap they were giving us at the church. So I'd go and listen to that moron preacher scream and yell, put in my time...deal with my mom speaking in tongues...by the way, have you ever heard a person speaking in tongues?" "Not up close. I've just seen it on TV. They don't do stuff like that at my parents' church." "It's not a pretty sight. It's scary the first time you see it. I remember when I was 12, and got dragged to that church the first time...how scary it was...you know 'cause I'd never seen anything like that and here my mom was, on her knees babbling a bunch of crazy crap. I can tell you it scared the shit out of me when I saw her doing it the first time." Their conversation was interrupted as they came within sight of the aquarium in Monterey. Ruthie had visited the aquarium only once in her life during a high school trip, so she was happy to have a chance to see it again. Mike had seen it more often. She was taken aback by how much it cost to get in, but her classmate brushed off her concern and bought two entrances. The presence of all that sea-life, along with being in the presence of a companion who was willing to listen to her, gave Ruthie even more confidence. She talked about everything in the tanks, about the evolution of fish and other sea creatures, and how some groups of invertebrates had gone unchanged for hundreds of millions of years. "The fossil record seems to show that there is a big difference in the way vertebrates and invertebrates evolve. Vertebrates, especially if they are more advanced, whether it's mammals or dinosaurs, are constantly changing. It seems that invertebrates don't do that. They hit a certain point in their evolution, and they just stay there. An example is cockroaches, but an even better one is silverfish. Silverfish are one of the first insects there was; they're older than just about anything else that ever came up on land, and they're still around. You hold one of those in your hand, and it's like you're doing some time travel." Mike marveled at the outward transformation of his classmate as she talked about a topic that interested her. She was as knowledgeable as any of the paid guides would have been and was able to hold his interest. It was unfortunate that the side of her that he was seeing was not the one people in Davenport were accustomed to. Her normal behavior made her appear either socially inept or mentally disturbed, and yet here she was, confidently talking about the marvels of the natural world and the science that set out to describe it. When they left the aquarium, Mike knew a lot more about ocean life than he had known going in. He had received a crash-course in marine biology from a classmate who was a year younger than he was. He realized that Ruthie easily was as intelligent as he was, probably even more so. ---------- When they left the aquarium they decided to drive around the Monterey Peninsula before going back to Davenport. They passed the famous golf courses, looked out over the ocean, and saw some sea otters in the water. Ruthie quickly launched into a lecture about the history of sea otters and how they had been hunted close to extinction. When they saw sea lions she commented about their evolution and compared it with the evolution of whales. As much as Mike was curious to hear what she was talking about, he could see how Ruthie's continuous reciting of information could get on the nerves of a person who was not as interested. He considered himself an intellectually curious person, so it did not bother him to be with a companion who chatted incessantly about things that she was familiar with. However, a more typical college student would not have had much patience to spend an entire day getting impromptu lectures about biology and evolution. Thus he could see how her personality could grate on the majority of the people with whom she came in contact. Her brain was full of facts and information, but unfortunately that information was a hindrance for her having a normal life, because she was unable to talk about the shallower topics that interested most of her classmates. As the day wore on, Mike realized something important about his relationship with Ruthie. The more he let her talk, the closer she felt to him. He had given her something very simple, but at the same time something very important, the chance to express herself without being cut-off. She became much less nervous and quit fidgeting when she was alone with him. Eye contact still was a source of discomfort, because she tended to look down or off to the side if they were face-to-face. When they were talking in the car or walking side by side and they both faced forward, she could talk with ease and confidence. The Outsider Ch. 07 Ruthie Burns was a very literal person, to whom words meant more than they would to most people. If Mike wanted to convey how he felt about anything, he had to tell her directly. The same was true with understanding her; he had to ask because her outward behavior did not necessarily reflect what was going on in her head. At times there was a strange disconnect between the girl's thoughts and emotions with her gestures, expressions, and mannerisms. ---------- The afternoon went by very quickly. They thoroughly enjoyed being together, so much so that as they sat in traffic near the Watsonville Mega-Mart on their way back, they realized they had gone the entire day without having eaten since breakfast. Mike suggested that they stop in Santa Cruz for dinner before returning to Davenport. Ruthie, who was in no hurry to see the day end, cheerfully agreed. They decided to walk around downtown Santa Cruz and see where they might want to eat. As they looked for the "right" restaurant, they browsed several "artistic" stores. In a couple of places they irritated store employees by making fun of the more ridiculous items that people with money would put in their homes. They finally chose a restaurant and were just about to go in when Ruthie asked if they could make one last stop in a store that sold vintage and unusual clothing. Mike had no problem with that, although he was somewhat surprised, given that she had commented that clothes and fashion meant little to her. She poked around a little bit and was just about ready to leave when a small dress caught her eye. It was a very small dress indeed, one that barely would stay within the confines of the law, even in a liberal place like Santa Cruz. It was made from soft red material and totally open in the back. The top consisted of a U-shaped piece of cloth that went over the wearer's neck, which would hold it in place over the breasts. The most risqué detail however, how the dress appeared below the waist. The bottom part was as short as a mini-skirt and only covered down to the upper thighs. The skirt portion was open on the sides clear up to the belt-line, which would leave the wearer's hips completely exposed. Ruthie held the dress and her face lit up with enthusiasm. "This is so cool!" Mike's heart pounded, because if she tried it on and came out to look at herself in the mirror, he would have a very good look at her attractive figure. With effort he managed to control his voice: "Did you want to try it on?" "You don't mind? Yeah, I'd love to!" Mike shook his head: "No, I don't mind." Of course he wouldn't mind... Ruthie took the dress into a changing room and came back out a few seconds later. Mike barely could speak as he studied his scantly-clad classmate with very wide eyes. The dress covered even less of her than he had expected. It obviously could not be worn with any sort of bra, and the only panties it could be worn with would be a very high-cut thong. Mike knew that under the skirt she wasn't wearing even that. The skimpy piece of clothing looked unbelievably sexy on her small figure. Ruthie ignored her friend's gaping expression and looked at herself in the main mirror. She was very pleased with how the dress appeared on her, covering what needed to be covered by law and nothing more. She found being so exposed a big turn-on and felt that wearing such a dress around campus would signal her rejection of traditional Christian values more than anything else she could possibly do. Yes, the dress would be her statement to all of the religious types trying to snatch control of her mind and telling her that she had to cover up. She commented to Mike: "This is neat! I totally love it! How do you think it looks on me?" Mike swallowed and struggled to speak: "It looks really nice on you...but...you'd...wear that around campus?" "Damn straight I would! It'd be my 'fuck you' to all the God freaks who won't leave me alone, you know...kinda like your pig-shirt is against Mega-Town. It'd be my personal protest against the Bible thumpers." Mike's heart continued to pound at the thought of her actually wearing that dress. It certainly would be a bizarre contrast with her normally shy personality. She turned around a couple more times. Then her face reflected disappointment. "Sucks that I'm gonna have to put it back." "You don't have any money on you?" "Fuck no...like I'd ever have any money on me?" Mike wondered what he should do. He had been thinking of buying her a small gift anyway, something that she might appreciate and that hopefully would help open the door of her heart to him. He had been wondering what she might want and would enjoy. Well, there was not much doubt in this store; she desperately wanted the dress. He decided to take a chance: "Ruthie...I mean...If you'd really like that dress, I could get it for you...you know...if it's something that you'd think you want to wear." Ruthie nervously looked at her classmate. Had it been any other item of clothing, she would have felt embarrassed at the thought of having a guy she had only known for a week pay for something she was going to wear. However the dress was different. She had never seen a piece of clothing like that and probably never would again. If she turned down his offer, she knew that she would be fantasizing about wearing the dress and end up totally frustrated. She took a deep breath. "I...I mean...you'd actually wanna do that? You wouldn't mind?" "No, of course I wouldn't mind. It's not expensive and you like it, so why not? It does look good on you." She surprised him by hugging him. Then she returned to the dressing room, not to change, but to grab her other clothes. Mike's heart jumped in his throat when he realized that she was dead serious about wearing that dress out on the street. When they had dinner, Mike could tell that the hostess had doubts about seating them because of Ruthie's lack of attire, but in the end the customer was not breaking any rules or laws, so there was no justification to deny her a table. Mike did notice that they were seated in a booth near the back wall and out of view of the main dining area. Ruthie was oblivious to the restaurant worker's discomfort. Dinner was a strange experience for Mike, because Ruthie wanted to talk some more about geological deposits and the subduction zone off the Pacific coast that caused the San Andreas fault. She mentioned that there was a volcano that had been formed and later split in half by the fault and that the two separated pieces now were miles apart. "There's some neat hiking trails and a park on one of the halves. It's south of Salinas." Mike promised to take her hiking there, but his mind was more focused on her attractive figure and almost naked body. Whenever she leaned forward the cloth of her new dress parted, allowing him to see her breasts. He became very uncomfortable throughout the meal because looking at her gave him an erection. He badly wanted her, much more than he had wanted anything for a long time. ---------- It was well after dark when they finally got back to the university. As much as they didn't want to part ways, they had to because both had term papers due the following week and Ruthie had a mid-term on Monday. He accompanied her to her dorm room. Fortunately the light was not turned on, which meant that Shannon must have already gone out for the night and Ruthie would have the room to herself. Saying goodnight was awkward, because they had not determined what they were actually doing with their relationship. Were they just friends? Were they going out? Was there any romance? Mike noticed that Ruthie was fidgeting again, so he decided not to push the issue of trying to kiss her. There would be plenty of time for that later. Instead he hugged her, enjoying the touch of the smooth skin of her bare back as he held her. "I really had a great time with you today. I...was kinda wondering...what you're doing tomorrow night...you know...for dinner?" "The usual...Watson hall..." "Well...if you'd like...would you want to meet up with me?" Ruthie nodded. "Five-thirty...here at the front door?" She nodded again. As he turned to leave, she added: "Mike...I...you know...I wanted to tell you...I...I really enjoyed my day with you." She blushed furiously and fidgeted. Mike reached out and took her hand. "Me too. It was the best time I've had...all semester...I liked it..." He gently squeezed her hand and with that their first day together came to an end. The Outsider Ch. 08 Chapter 8 - A suicide Ruthie looked at herself in the mirror for a few minutes admiring how she looked in her new dress. She felt a tingle of excitement at the thought of having just worn such a revealing outfit in downtown Santa Cruz, but she felt even more excited at the thought that she now actually owned this dress and could wear it whenever she pleased. She spun around and the back lifted up, exposing her bottom. She giggled, realizing that she would have to keep that in mind when outside, to not turn around too quickly, or at least not when she could get in trouble. A naughty thought came to mind; the she could tease Mike by spinning around and flashing her bare bottom every so often. The morality prudes would be offended at the sight of her in that dress. Satisfaction welled up inside her at the thought of bothering people that she hated. Undoubtedly someone would try to have her arrested for wearing so little, but she could argue that the dress was something she had bought in a clothing store and thus it had to be legal. Besides, the clothing restrictions at Davenport State University were among the most relaxed at any university in the US. Women were allowed to go to the main pool in thong-style swimsuits and topless sunbathing was permitted in some areas around campus, although not many students took advantage of that privilege. Given the relaxed atmosphere of Davenport, Ruthie would not be putting herself at risk nearly as much as she would if she tried wearing the dress in a place like Salinas. Ruthie took off her new dress and hung it in her closet. She put a towel around herself, grabbed her shower stuff and stepped into the hallway. She would have not bothered to wrap the towel around her body, but at the beginning of the semester the RA had reprimanded her for being naked in the hallway and there had been a couple of disapproving comments from other women on the floor. That had been one disappointment out of several, because she had heard that a couple of decades before it was common for students to walk around the hallways of the dorms of Davenport State University in the nude and the attitude about that was very casual. It was strange, and unfortunate for her, that even in the most liberal part of the US, attitudes about nudity were more conservative than they had been in the past. As soon as she entered the bathroom she did take off her towel. If other students had a problem with that, that was just too bad. Obviously in the bathroom she was within her rights to be naked. She brushed her teeth, then showered, and then returned to the mirror to run a comb through her hair before going back to her room. Since Shannon was not in the room, Ruthie took advantage of her roommate's absence to leave her clothes off. She would study in the nude until she heard Shannon's key in the door. Normally Ruthie slept naked, but she kept an over-sized t-shirt handy that she wore whenever she was up and Shannon was present. She knew that Shannon would have a biting comment if Ruthie tried to be undressed in her presence, but also if she were naked around her nemesis, she would be more vulnerable, which was something she did not want. As soon as Shannon came back, she would slip the shirt over her head. Ruthie spent the next six hours typing her term paper, taking advantage of Shannon's absence and having a rare night of privacy. The noise from neighboring rooms could be heard in her room, but even with the background sounds it was comparatively quiet, given that Shannon was one of the loudest students on the floor. Ruthie made excellent progress with the paper because there was nothing to disturb her concentration. The hours passed and Shannon never showed up. She must be at one of those all-night parties, thought Ruthie to herself. Finally, at about 3:00 am Ruthie reached a convenient stopping point. She was exhausted anyway and would not be able to continue. There still was no sign of Shannon. Good, I hope that filthy bitch got alcohol poisoning. On that note she went to bed and for once enjoyed a decent night's sleep. ---------- Mike returned to his room and saw the one thing he had hoped not to see, Todd at the computer playing his on-line game with a new character. It appeared that things were back to normal, and yet Mike could tell that they weren't. There was something strange about Todd's behavior, a bizarre desperation in what he was doing. Mike's thoughts drifted to what he had read about gambling addicts, to what happens to them after a series of losses; that they think the "big win" is right around the corner. Obviously Todd must be thinking along similar lines: that if he could just build up his replacement character, he could score big and restore his status in the game. If only... Mike gave up on the idea of trying to talk to his roommate. It was too late to do anything to salvage Todd's life. Whatever hope there might have been for him to return to the real world vanished when he created that new character. Mike knew that Todd's situation was going to end very badly. He just wished the end would come quickly so he could get some sleep... ---------- Ruthie woke up refreshed and in a rare good mood. She glanced over at Shannon's bed and saw that super-bitch had never come back that night. A glimmer of hope welled up in her that maybe something indeed had happened to Shannon. She got cleaned up and returned to working on her term paper. The computer that she was using was an old Compaq that used Windows 98 as its operating system. Now...who used Windows 98? Ruthie Burns. The computer had been given to her as her 16th birthday present by her mother, who had bought it in a surplus sale from the office where her aunt worked. Ruthie's mother had no clue what she was buying, but the price was right: $250 for the tower, monitor, keyboard, and a printer. Shannon, who of course owned a new computer that was given to her the same week that she entered college, had commented: "Where'd you get that? From an antique shop, or did you dig it out of a dumpster?" ---------- The bad thing about hoping that something happened to a person you hate is that the longer you wait and the more hope builds up, the greater is the emotional let-down when your nemesis finally does show up. Ruthie was in high spirits by noon, because she was becoming increasingly convinced that something had happened to Shannon. It would be sweet if super-bitch had been killed, or better yet, critically injured in a car accident. However, something like a DWI or alcohol poisoning or Shannon getting beat-up would have been sufficient to keep Ruthie happy. But, of course, people like Shannon enjoy some sort of cosmic protection and nothing bad ever happens to them. Sure enough, right at noon Ruthie's heart sank when she heard her roommate's key opening the lock of the door. She rushed to pull her t-shirt over her head. She had the shirt down to her legs just in time, because the door swung open and Shannon entered with her boyfriend. The quiet of the room was shattered as super-bitch immediately turned on her CD player and talked loudly to her companion. Ruthie, as usual, did not object to the intrusion; she simply logged off her computer and grabbed a pair of shorts and a t-shirt out of her closet. With Shannon and her boyfriend firmly planted in her room, she had to go to the women's bathroom to change, which entailed nothing more than pulling off her t-shirt and replacing it with the shorts and shirt. She returned to drop off her sleeping shirt, get her backpack and put on a pair of sandals, and with that she was ready to step outside for the day. Ruthie's mood was somewhat soured by the re-appearance of Shannon, but at least she did have the room to herself for 18 hours and had made very good progress on her term paper. Oh...it would be so nice to have a room to herself, where she didn't have to clear out every time super-bitch showed up, where she didn't have to worry about pulling a shirt over her head every time she heard a key in the lock...her own space...even if it was nothing more than a room with a desk and a bed. The stress of dealing with Shannon was starting to get to Ruthie. She knew that what she really needed to do was confront her roommate and tell her that she had to share the room and be more considerate, but she also knew that would get her nowhere. Shannon had an intimidating personality and was quick with demeaning comments and come-backs. Ruthie, on the other hand, was very bad at winning arguments because she couldn't think of quick responses. Instead her thoughts stewed for hours afterwards and she would think of what she should have said, but had not at the moment she needed to hit back. Shannon bullied Ruthie, not physically but with her ability to quickly come up with cutting remarks and sarcastic sneering tirades. Ruthie was no match for her. The injustice of the situation burned in Ruthie's soul. She was full of resentment, not only against Shannon but also against the university, for having placed her in a dorm room with someone who was so absolutely incompatible. ---------- Ruthie went into the cafeteria to have a salad and rice, and to pick up some fruit to eat during the afternoon. In theory she was not supposed to take food out of the cafeteria, but she always kept a stash of fruit with her so she could snack in the afternoons without having to deal with eating alone in a crowd of other students. It was Sunday afternoon, a time when usually there were very few people on campus. Ruthie decided to go behind the Econ building and see if the area around her "private spot" was deserted enough for her to take off her clothes and study naked. Sure enough, there were fewer than 20 cars parked in the lot and the grounds behind the building were totally empty of people. Ruthie pulled out a towel and laid it under the trees. She then stripped and settled down to study for the test she had the next day. She was tempted to step out into the sunshine and walk around to enjoy the sun on her body, but knew that would be too risky. What she'd really like would be to go to Bonnie Doon beach, which was a clothing optional beach only about a two-mile walk away. She had gone a couple of times, but part of the route forced her to walk along the main road, which was something she felt very uncomfortable doing. She hated the walk as much as she loved going to the nude beach, so on that afternoon, laziness won out over her desire to be naked in the sun. She'd have to settle for her little spot under the trees. As she looked out at the grass and the parking lot that lay beyond, Ruthie's thoughts drifted. Her burning hatred of Shannon subsided now that she was away from the dorm room and not in her presence, so she could try to focus on more pleasant things and finally get to studying. She remembered that because it was Sunday, she'd have to call her mother and once again face the barrage of questions about not finding a church. More lies and more deception... Well, better not to think about that now. Better to try to study and be ready for the mid-term by 5:30, and then she could see what her evening with Mike Sinclair would bring. ---------- Mike woke up to see that his roommate was gone. That surprised him, because usually Todd played his video game until about 5:00 am, when exhaustion overtook him and he absolutely had to log out. Typically he slept until about 9:00 or so, then went to class, and then started up with the gaming around sunset. It was the first time during the entire semester that Mike had woken up and not seen Todd crashed on his bed. Mike noticed that Todd's computer had been left on and the screensaver was running. Out of curiosity he moved the mouse to see what his roommate had been doing. He saw the game's death message. At first Mike thought that Todd had, for some reason, managed to bring up the death message for his original character. Then he realized that the message was not for the original character at all, but for its replacement. Mike realized that Todd had been defeated and killed online a second time. It wasn't hard to figure out what had happened: Todd was playing a beginner's character, and instead of slowly building it like he had done with his first character, he must have played it at a level way above its capabilities. Not hard to figure out, but it would be very interesting to see what Todd was going to do next. The fact that he had left the room immediately upon losing the second character indicated that something very serious might be going on. Mike wondered what he should do. He didn't know anyone who was close to his roommate and had never talked to anyone in his family. He thought about telling the RA, but tell him what? That his roommate had taken off because he lost a video game? That didn't even sound right. What about the police? Like he was going to try to tell that to the police? Mike was convinced that if he did try to call the cops, Todd probably would show up after-all and he would end up looking like an idiot, or worse yet, be accused of making a prank call. Finally Mike contented himself with trying to find a phone number for Todd's family. He was afraid to dig too deeply into his roommate's desk, but he did make a half-hearted effort to find someone to contact. In the end he couldn't find anything. Todd must have taken his cell phone because Mike couldn't find it. Finally he decided to start studying, with a vague idea of being in the room in case someone called or showed up. At 2:00 Mike's floor RA knocked on his door. He was accompanied by two uniformed Davenport city police officers. Without being told, Mike knew what had happened; that Todd must have committed suicide. Sure enough, the officers related that several hours earlier Todd had shot himself in his car while sitting in the parking lot of a video game store. Because Mike was Todd's roommate, he was the first point of contact for the investigation. It turned out he also was more useful than the police had anticipated, because he was able to give them a plausible motive for Todd's death. Mike explained that Todd had been addicted to gaming and how, just two nights before, his character got killed on-line. He described Todd's behavior when he was killed, and then talked about the new character and what he thought had happened. "If you check his computer, you'll see what I'm talking about." One of the cops then did something that totally surprised Mike. He didn't move the mouse to verify what he was saying. Instead he simply unplugged the tower and disconnected it from the rest of Todd's hardware. The cops put the CPU in a large bag and carried it out of the room. They searched his desk and closet and bagged up some receipts, CD's, and a couple of flash drives. The cops asked Mike a series of questions about his relationship with his roommate, whether or not he had any friends, whether or not he had any romantic interests, and what Mike knew about Todd's academic situation. Mike's answers were always the same... no, we never did anything together...to be honest, we never really talked...no, Todd did not have any off-line friends that he was aware of...no, there were no romantic interests that he was aware of...yes, he was failing the semester, but it was because he spent all his time gaming... Finally, the police put some crime scene tape around Todd's half of the room and left to talk with the RA. Mike sat on his bed, staring at the tape. He had expected something like this to happen, but to expect it and to actually know that it already had taken place were two totally different things. He tried to comprehend that he no longer had a roommate. In a few days either the police or one of his relatives would come into the room to pick up his things; and that would be the end of Todd. Strange, Mike thought to himself. I lived with this guy for two months, and I don't even have a picture of him... ---------- Several weeks later Mike would find out the sordid detail that had pushed his roommate over the edge. The police were able to retrieve the log from his game and reconstruct what had happened during his final moments online. It turned out that with his new character he had attempted to contact his old battle group and join up with them. At first they rebuffed him because his character was not developed, but when he insisted, one of his former partners led Todd's new character into a trap, insulted him, and left him to be killed by a monster. That betrayal must have been the final psychological blow that pushed him to pull a gun on himself a couple of hours later. ---------- When Mike met Ruthie for dinner, Todd's suicide dominated their conversation. Mike realized that he was extremely lucky to have someone as serious as Ruthie to listen to him and give her own perspective. Suicide might have been too morbid a topic for most students to think about, but it was perfectly suited for his friend's dark personality. She was interested in hearing the details and what Mike had told the cops. Most important of all, Ruthie was willing to listen to Mike as he worked through his conflicting emotions. He felt guilty that he had not done more to prevent Todd's suicide, and yet at the same time he was glad to be rid of a roommate that annoyed him and who he really did not like. He was glad that he would have the room to himself, but at the same time felt very guilty. His thoughts about Todd ranged from sympathy to contempt to disbelief that he could kill himself over something as stupid as an online game. To an average person Mike's conflicting thoughts would have made him sound totally incoherent, but to Ruthie, his state of mind made perfect sense. Mike would have expected Ruthie to tell him not to feel guilty about his roommate's suicide. She did tell him that he had no reason to feel guilty, but the reasoning that came with that reassurance surprised him. "I think what he did was the smartest thing he could have done. From everything that you've been telling me about his life, it totally sucked. He had no friends, no girlfriend, nobody gave a shit about him, you certainly didn't like him, he was gonna fail the semester...so really...what did he have to live for?" "He would have had plenty to live for if he hadn't blown 18 months of his life sitting at his computer blasting monsters." "You know that for a fact? You really think his life was oh-so-wonderful before he started gaming? I mean...take a look at him. He wasn't good-looking at all...probably no one gave a shit about him in school...he didn't have much going on anyway...so what'd he do? Went somewhere he could do something he was good at and where people wouldn't give him shit. His life sucked, so he found a place where it didn't suck. That's why he got into it so much, because he had nothing else to live for in his real life. So he escaped, and went to a place where people would respect him." "The point is; it didn't do him any good and he did not escape from his real life. All he did was make his real life, the life that really matters, a lot worse. He spent 18 months screwing around with that game and what's he got to show for it? Nothing. He spent 18 months of his life doing nothing. Now all he's got is a bullet in the head. I really thought he should've been happy getting killed online, 'cause it was his chance to do something else. He needed to forget about that monster shit and move on with his life. I...I still can't believe that he was so stupid as to kill himself over losing a video game." "If his life sucked and had nothing else to live for, then he wasn't gonna want to do anything else and wasn't gonna move on with his life. To him it wasn't a game; that was his life. And as for him being 'so stupid as to kill himself', if you're unhappy, killing yourself isn't stupid. It's a lot stupider to spend your life being unhappy than it is to kill yourself. Putting up with a life that sucks is what's stupid." The Outsider Ch. 08 Mike was quiet, because he wasn't sure how to react to Ruthie's last statement. Another overly strong opinion, to say the least. He paused, but finally he replied: "I'm not so sure that I agree with you on that. If your life sucks, then you need to try to fix it. Either fix what's wrong in your life or fix what's wrong with the system." Ruthie rolled her eyes. "Fix what's wrong in the system? And just how are you gonna fix what's wrong in the system?" "You at least have to try..." "Why? Why do you at least have to try? No one's gonna give a shit whether you try or not. Mike, you've gotta understand that a lot of people's lives suck and they suck for things they can't help. If you're ugly, you can't fix that. If you're a psycho, you can't fix that. If you're a meth-head, chances are you can't fix that. If you're job's been outsourced and you know that you're gonna be unemployed the rest of your life, you can't fix that. I mean...look at all the people that Mega-Mart's put out of work. How many of them do you think will ever get decent jobs again? How many? Their lives are gonna suck. So what's the point of them staying alive?" Mike cut her short. "Ruthie, my dad was put out of work by Mega-Mart! I really don't appreciate you saying he'd be better off dead!" Ruthie turned pale. She tried to correct herself. "I...I mean he's got something else to live for...you guys...family...but...there's a lot of people...that don't have that. Todd...I mean...I don't think he had anything else going on in his life...that's all I was trying to say." For a moment they sat silent. She began fidgeting and looked down at the table. "I'm sorry about your dad...I really didn't mean to..." Mike took a deep breath. "Look...I understand that's not what you meant. But...just to let you know...you need to watch how you say things to other people..." Ruthie blushed and tears welled up in her eyes. Mike came to her rescue by suggesting they go outside. As they put up their trays and made their way towards the door, he wondered about her unusual position on suicide: that if a person was unhappy, killing himself was the logical thing to do. It was a rather hopeless view of life, but as was normal for her, she was being recklessly honest with expressing how she felt about an important issue that has vexed people throughout recorded history. At first he had thought about changing the subject, but he was curious to find out more about her unusual take on committing suicide. He also calculated that if he let her talk some more, it would set her at ease about the slip she had made at the dining table. He pointed towards a hill at the edge of campus, where there was a walkway and an observatory. The observatory was closed to anyone who was not an astronomy major, but the path underneath offered a view of the university on one side and the Pacific Ocean on the other. The observatory itself blocked the light coming from campus, so the only man-made lights visible were the string of distant headlights from cars driving along Highway 1. As they looked out over the coast and the distant Pacific Ocean, the two students were able to set aside their uncomfortable moment at the dinner table. Still, Mike was curious about Ruthie's opinions about suicide and how she formed them. She responded: "I don't know...from a lot of places I guess. I've thought about it...'cause I've had a sucky life...ever since I left Nebraska...and even before I left...and I've often wondered what's the point of living. Of course my mom keeps telling me that the point of living is to glorify God...but I think you know how I feel about glorifying God. So...I've done a lot of reading...history and on the Internet. You know...a lot of societies didn't have the same ideas about suicide that we do. The Japanese...if they screw up, it's what's expected of them, or at least it used to be. Killing yourself was honorable. In ancient Rome people killed themselves all the time, if they thought they were going to be humiliated or if they were gonna be arrested. In a lot of cases in Rome, if a person was about to be arrested, the guards even gave them to chance to kill themselves to save their honor and avoid getting tortured. I found that fascinating...and a lot better than the 'culture of life' that we have here in this country. If you screwed up or your life sucked, then there was a way out and there was nothing wrong with taking it." Mike smiled slightly. "I don't think that's ever gonna happen here." "Of course it's not. They've got us brainwashed with this 'culture of life' crap. No matter how much your life sucks, you owe it to God or your relatives or whoever to stay alive. I guess the point is that I strongly believe that if a person wants to kill themselves, that's their right. The government has no right to try to force someone to stay alive if that isn't what they want. The truth is that a lot of people's lives suck and there's nothing anyone can do about that." Mike considered what his friend was saying. Her opinion certainly was different from anything he had ever heard, but he was surprised that he did not find it repulsive in the least. She was forcing him to look at a life and death matter from an entirely new perspective. As brutal as it may have sounded at first glance, what she said actually made a lot of sense. For a while they stood in silence, looking out over the ocean and the steady stream of headlights going up and down the highway. Mike continued to ponder what Ruthie had said to him, wondering what painful event in her past might have pushed her to be so accepting of suicide. He also wondered if she had seriously considered committing suicide herself. He knew that she must have; otherwise she would not have given the issue so much thought. Then, his own training in political analysis kicked in, and he thought about her comment "they've got us brainwashed with this 'culture of life' crap." That most certainly was true, but why? Why would the government force a person to live out an existence that he doesn't want? Mike's cynical view of politics and economic interests prompted him to throw out an idea: "I suppose the whole thing with the government and the authorities comes down to a vested interest in keeping people active in the economy. If a lot of people started thinking..."my life sucks, and I'm checking out" then who would be available to work in all the Mega-Burgers? Who would be around to pick artichokes? Who would be around to serve coffee? Who would be spending their money on Chinese imports at Mega-Mart? So the rich guys have this huge incentive to suppress any thought of suicide as a personal choice...I think that's the answer to your question. Just like everything else in this country, it really comes down to money. If you're dead, they can't make any money off you." "There's that whole money thing, but I think there's more...the big argument that I've seen on the Internet is that suicide is selfish, that it hurts those around you so you have no right to do it. It's this idea that you have stay alive to serve everyone else and you can't do what you want. I mean...I know my mom would be really messed up if I ever tried anything, and that's the type of argument they're using...that and the whole thing about pissing off God. And...it's a challenge to the Christian world-view; if you're not alive you can't serve God. They argue that life is so precious, and folks need to be encouraged not to leave prematurely. But I argue back, what's the point of living if the life I want is denied to me and all I get is the crumbs left over by the rich? It's up to society to make life worth living. The government needs to stop doing shit for all the rich people and start worrying about making life worthwhile for the rest of us. You look at all the stuff the rich are doing to us, taking away our health insurance, taking away our scholarships, suing us when we try to download music, passing all these morality laws so I can't do something as simple as take off my dress if I'm hot...and then they wonder why some of us can't stand the world they have created..." "And that's my point, Ruthie. It all comes down to money. You just said it yourself." Suddenly Mike's heart skipped a beat as he remembered her phrase "...passing all these morality laws so I can't do something as simple as take off my dress if I'm hot..." Interesting that she would say that, especially considering how she normally dressed... They realized that several hours had passed and that it was getting late. Ruthie was trembling because she had nothing to protect her body from the chilly wind except for shorts and a very flimsy shirt. Even in the dark, Mike could see that her bare arms were covered with goose-bumps. She had not given him any indication that she wanted to go back to the dorm area, but it was clear that she was very uncomfortable perched on that hillside with the wind hitting her exposed skin. Mike realized that if he wanted, he had an opportunity to get closer to her. He did have some doubts, because there was no question that Ruthie's lack of social skills might cause him some embarrassment from time to time. She was morose and obviously prone to depression. However, the evening's conversation had proven that he really could talk to her about any deep or thoughtful topic. He felt that he needed that in his life, and her openness about "deeper issues" far outweighed whatever faults she might have. On top of everything else she was very attractive, with her large dark eyes, petite figure, and perfect olive skin. She was timid and yet at the same time was not in the least prudish about her body. That detail Mike found very desirable about her. He wanted her. "Ruthie, I'm kinda worried about you. You look cold standing there in the wind like that." She nodded. "Why don't you let me put my arms around you, so you can warm up a bit?" She nodded again and allowed him to wrap his arms around her stomach. She pressed her back against his chest and immediately stopped shivering. For a long time they stood quietly, watching the fog build over the Pacific Ocean and the line of headlights along the highway thin out. Mike didn't know what to do next. Ruthie was only the second woman he had ever held in his arms, so he was not sure how to proceed with her. Up until that moment, his entire experience with the opposite sex consisted of the time he had spent with Lisa, and he knew that experience was irrelevant because Lisa and Ruthie were so different from each other. He wanted to kiss her, but had no idea whether or not she would go for that. In the end he decided not to take the risk, opting to err on the side of caution. It was fortunate that he decided to wait, because had he tried to kiss her at that moment she would have become very nervous and the mood of the evening would have been spoiled. Finally they realized that it was time to return to their dorms and get ready for the next day, which included the infamous English literature course. They headed back. Mike decided that there was at least one thing he wanted to change. "Tomorrow...in lit class...I'd kinda like to sit with you...if that's OK..." Ruthie glanced up at him, smiled slightly, and nodded. The Outsider Ch. 09 Chapter 9 - Two conversations The following morning, to the surprise of everyone in the English literature course, "Mr. Know-it-all" sat next to the girl who had pinned him with that nick-name. Of course, the rest of the class and the professor had no way of knowing what had happened between Mike and Ruthie over the weekend and had incorrectly assumed that the two students bitterly disliked each other. Strange...it turned out that was not the case at all. From their initial argument the couple realized that had a lot in common and each could find friendship in the other. Not only did they sit together in class, but they also ignored the other students and left together when the session ended. During their second week together, Mike and Ruthie ate together in the cafeteria whenever possible. The only times she did not eat with Mike were the days she had class right after work and there was no time to sit down for lunch. On those days she continued to stash fruit in her backpack for the afternoon, but she did that considerably less now that she knew she had someone to sit with at dinner. Her days of trying to avoid the cafeteria had ended. Quite to the contrary, she wanted people to see her, just to show everyone: "see? Now I have someone to eat with too...so screw all of you!" For Ruthie having a companion at the dining table was a real treat, a break from the humiliation she had endured over the past month of being cold-shouldered by the other students and forced to eat alone. For Mike the situation was more complicated. He did have people with whom he normally ate: his political friends and a couple of co-workers from the Parking Department. On the days Ruthie had to grab her fruit and run he could still hang out with his friends, but for the other meals there was no question that she took priority over everyone else. There were a few times he invited her to eat with his group, but it was clear that she was uncomfortable trying to make small talk with people she did not really know. Over the next several days Mike had to figure out how to strike a balance between not offending his friends and giving priority to his...girlfriend...if that's what she was. He wasn't sure about that part yet. It was obvious that in her own way she deeply cared for him: that she was glad to see him whenever they met up, happy whenever she was with him, and never eager to say goodbye. As for his friends, he never actually told them that Ruthie was his girlfriend, but instead left them to make their own assumptions about the relationship. Certainly from his end, the feelings of love and sexual desire were very strong, apart from his desire for having a close friend. Having her scantly-clad body in his arms or close by was a huge temptation for him. He badly wanted her. He suspected that sex would have to wait, but at least he wanted to establish that she was indeed his girlfriend by kissing her or holding her hand when they walked. She clearly did enjoy hugging him and having his arms around her, and yet...she never gave him any hint whatsoever she wanted him to go any further than that. Mike was not one to push with physical contact, because he was afraid of "blowing it" with Ruthie if he was overly insistent. He also was well-aware that he had no first-hand knowledge about how to seduce a woman, given that with Lisa things had just come naturally and at a very early age. He understood that his first relationship was unique and the experience would give him very little guidance for handling Ruthie. Ruthie's attraction to Mike was growing as well. Now that she had someone in her life with whom she could confide, she wanted to be with him whenever possible. During the afternoons she did not have class, she'd accompany him to lot Econ-A when he went there to ticket. She continued to study by herself in her "private spot" while he ran his machine, but the point was for her to be close to him. At the end of the afternoon she followed him back to the Parking Department Office, went with him to dinner, and then accompanied him to the library to study. In the library she was quiet and absorbed in her reading, but on the way there and back she was happy to chatter away about rock formations, evolution, and paleontology, often citing recent discoveries about things such as Chinese dinosaurs or Cambrian-era soft-bodied marine organisms. She would talk about Latin American authors when she was not talking about ancient life. Little by little Mike coaxed her to talk more about herself, especially about her family members in Culiacan and the Mexican portion of her background. From the beginning Mike knew that his relationship with Ruthie was not "typical". Her feelings towards him were different from what a person normally would feel for either a boyfriend or a close friend. The best way to describe Ruthie's emotions towards her companion would be very intense affection. In her own way she did love him and felt uneasy when she was not with him. She would have been extremely jealous and hurt had she seen him with another woman. However, that affection was not the same as romantic love, which was why she wanted him to hold her but would have been nervous about him trying to kiss her. By the end of their second week together she felt that she and Mike belonged to each other, and yet she still would have felt uncomfortable defining her role in his life as his "girlfriend". ---------- On Tuesday Todd's mother, along with the dorm director and the RA from Mike's floor, showed up to pick up his possessions. The RA pulled down the police tape and helped the woman box up her son's things. Mike would have helped had he been asked, but Todd's mother gave him several very hostile looks, as though she blamed him for having a hand in her son's suicide. Of course, Mike had nothing to do with Todd's problems, which actually had begun the year before he entered college. However, at the same time it was evident that he had stayed out of his roommate's life and had not done anything to intervene in his suicide. If anyone had expected Mike to "talk to" Todd, or in some other way provide him with emotional support, in that he most definitely had failed. Finally Mike decided the best thing for him to do would be to get out of the room and wait until Todd's mother was off-campus before returning. He excused himself and went to work. As usual, he went to his favorite "pay dirt" spot in lot Econ-A, carrying his machine and 400 ticket envelopes in his backpack. By the middle of his second week ticketing the lot, conditions there were changing. Only half of the meters now were occupied by student vehicles, and of those, about half were paying. The remaining spaces remained open for visitors, which was the original intention for having all those meters in Econ-A. So now Mike was writing tickets for only 100 unpaid meters, not 400. However, he still continued to average between 300 and 350 tickets per shift, because he could write a ticket on any car parked at an unpaid meter every 61 minutes. Now that there were fewer violators, Mike could write multiple tickets on the ones who remained. Those tickets very quickly would add up. The real fun would happen in another month, because any student who owed more than $ 250 in unpaid tickets for more than 30 days could have his car towed and impounded. Already he was starting to figure out who his most likely victims would be. He also paid special attention to the car of anyone who had insulted him. ---------- Ruthie showed up at 4:30 and sat down on her usual spot in the grass to wait for her friend to finish his shift. On their way back to the cafeteria Mike mentioned that his roommate's things had been taken out and that at least for the rest of the semester, he would have the room to himself. By that time he felt that he knew Ruthie well enough to confide something cynical that he planned to do. The university had offered him several sessions of grief counseling. Mike was not grieving over Todd whatsoever, but he planned to take advantage of the offer to let the counselor know that during the spring semester he would not be "emotionally ready" to have another roommate. That was total bull, because Todd's death barely affected him but, as he put it, "that's not something the university needs to know". Ruthie smiled, responding that if anything were to happen to Shannon, she would openly celebrate and put up party decorations to let everyone know that she was elated that super-bitch was dead. As usual, they had dinner together in the cafeteria, but then they decided to return to the Student Center, because the university was having a festival of "cult" movies from the 1960's and 1970's. Among the movies were titles such as "Eraserhead", "Dr. Strangelove", "Slaughterhouse Five", "A Boy and his Dog", and "Zardoz". Mike had been curious to see "Slaughterhouse Five", but Ruthie opted for "Zardoz", based solely on the fact she liked the poster for that movie better than any of the others. Mike and Ruthie left the auditorium with totally different reactions to "Zardoz". Mike commented that it was one of the most depressing movies he had ever seen. Ruthie totally loved it. "What's there to be depressed about? That movie's simply telling it like it is." "Telling it like it is? Floating heads and everyone's starving to death and guys on horses running around shooting everyone else? I didn't see the point of any of that...just a bunch of gratuitous killing for no reason. To be honest, I was disappointed that Sean Connery could have gotten himself mixed up in that crap." Ruthie stopped in her tracks and forced Mike to turn around and look at her. "That movie shows exactly what the future's gonna be. We're gonna end up just like that! There's gonna be most people starving to death in the ruins of our civilization, a few gang members running around killing everyone else, and the rich people holed up somewhere, thinking that they're safe, but really just waiting to die like everyone else. That'll be the future! I thought it was great, 'cause it told the truth!" Mike was surprised by Ruthie's vehement defense of a movie that he hated. He really should not have been so astonished, because the message of "Zardoz" fit perfectly with her world view. She explained that she was convinced that humans, as a species, were doomed to extinction in the near future because the conditions needed to sustain such a large population no longer existed on the planet. The laws of nature that controlled all other species that had experienced population explosions in the past also applied to humans. Those natural processes that had doomed every other organism, from trilobites to dinosaurs to passenger pigeons, would doom humans as well. The only real difference was that humans were probably unique in being aware of their own existence, and thus would be aware of the extinction as it was taking place. But, as she put it: "Just 'cause we're aware of a natural phenomenon doesn't mean we can stop it from happening. When the end comes, some people will pray to God, some will be smoking whatever meth is left over, some will be going out like those Zardoz guys and killing everyone else...but none of it'll matter. In the end we'll all be dead because the planet can't sustain us." Mike tried to think of a response to Ruthie's bleak view of the future. He was aware of the problems that some humans were causing others, but his education and experiences had convinced him that the big social and economic problems ultimately could be resolved with the right form of human organization, i.e. a government willing and capable of controlling the worst excesses of human behavior. The key was setting up a society that could effectively thwart humans' disposition towards greed, avarice, and violence. Whether it was gang members or Mega-Town executives, it wouldn't take all that much for a new social awareness to force a reorganization of the US government that would bring the worst members of its society under control. Ruthie countered that it was far too late for any such "reawakening" to have any effect. For one thing, already there were too many people on the planet and the world had run out of resources that would be needed to provide everyone with a decent life. Even something as fundamental as living space simply did not exist. No social or political reorganization could change that reality, unless a large portion of the population could somehow be eliminated. Second, the most destructive groups of humans, whether they were Mega-Town executives or drug traffickers from Sinaloa, already had amassed too much power and wealth and were invincible. The only political change would be coming from corporate CEO's and mafia leaders, not from the idealists in which Mike placed his hopes. Mike was aghast at his friend's hopeless outlook, but he was unable to come up with arguments to counter much of what she was saying. The conversation depressed him even more than the movie, partly because he knew she was right. At that moment he could perfectly understand why very few people could tolerate being around her, because even if a person got past her shyness and was able to converse with her, at times to talk to Ruthie Burns forced one to see how truly hopeless life really was. There were no illusions for her, nothing to give her any hope for the future. Most people couldn't handle facing that reality. ---------- Wednesday afternoon Ruthie had her second session with her Dr. Hartman. She was in a much better mood than she had been the previous week, but she wanted to talk about "Zardoz" and how the movie supported her conviction that humans would be extinct within another generation or so. Of course, Hartman was much more interested in knowing what was going on with Mike, because ultimately that relationship would be a much more important influence on her client's state of mind than a movie that was 35 years old. However, the counselor figured that it would be safe just to let her talk, since apparently there was no imminent threat of suicide. When Ruthie left, Hartman made some notes about the conversation and put away her case file. She sat down for a moment to clear her head for the next client. She rubbed her temples with her fingertips and whispered to herself: "Jeesh, that girl's depressing." ---------- In spite the fact indeed she was so depressing to talk to at times, there was no way that Mike would consider giving up on his relationship with Ruthie. She was the one woman who had paid attention to him all year, so it was not as though he had all that much to choose from. He reasoned that many of her pessimistic attitudes were likely to be tempered once she had some positive experiences to counter the negative ones she had endured up to the point they became friends. Furthermore, although Ruthie had such a dark outlook on life, she was intelligent, truthful, and had a way of perceiving things that often forced Mike to look at his own experiences in a different light. The night after their discussion of the merits of "Zardoz", Mike and Ruthie had their first in depth conversation about their lives in high school. Ruthie went on and on about various books she read, and to a lesser extent talked about her cousins. Her uncle (on her mother's side) had immigrated to Salinas 20 years before and had worked in construction until the recession of 2000-2001. He managed to get a job at a large hardware store and since then had worked his way up to being the supervisor of the lumber department. He and his wife had four children: a boy called Gerardo, two girls called Rosa and Susy, and another boy called Alex. Rosa, the oldest daughter, was the one who Ruthie knew the best because they were the same age. Ruthie's uncle, aunt, and cousins were Catholic, which caused problems between them and Ruthie's mother, who had been taught that the Pope was a servant of the Anti-Christ. It also caused Ruthie's mother to be somewhat distrustful of the influence the cousins might have on her daughter, but the family's circumstances forced the girl to have more contact with her cousins than she would have wanted. Before she changed her work schedule, Ruthie's mother had her stay at her cousins' house after school, where she was able to play video games and watch TV. Once Ruthie's mother was able to arrange being home in the afternoons, Ruthie's after-school time with her cousins came to an abrupt end. During her first year in Salinas, Ruthie was ruthlessly targeted by bullies, both boys and girls, while she was in the eighth grade of middle school. Once she entered high school the solution was for her oldest cousin Gerardo to walk her to and from her classes. Just a month after Ruthie entered the ninth grade, he broke the nose of a guy whose girlfriend had punched her, which sent a clear message that anyone who messed with Ruthie would have problems with Gerardo. She knew that she was very lucky for having him to protect her, because otherwise she probably would have had to drop out and be home-schooled. When the conversation shifted to Mike's time in high school, there was no way that he could avoid talking about his relationship with Lisa, because his social life pretty much consisted of Lisa and nothing but Lisa. He tried to keep the details about his ex-girlfriend to a minimum, but Ruthie pressed him for information. Finally he lost his patience and curtly answered: "Look. Lisa's living in Chicago. We broke up last year. She pledged a sorority and is dating a guy from a fraternity. The last time I ever saw her was in December." "...and so that's the reason you didn't go back to Chicago? 'Cause you broke up with Lisa?" "That's the reason...I mean...if you really want to know the truth, we didn't exactly break up. She treated me like total crap, she dumped me last Christmas, and the guy she's going out with now used to be one of my friends from Chicago." "How'd she treat you like total crap?" Mike could feel that he was digging himself ever deeper, but at that point in the conversation he realized that he needed to tell Ruthie the entire story of what had happened to him in Chicago: going there because of the lower tuition cost, how Lisa had changed over the fall semester, how he tried to force her to return to California to salvage the relationship, and the grim break-up that followed a very tense Christmas. When he finished, Ruthie looked at him with an incredulous expression: "Mike, I want to make sure I understand something. You filled out a college application for Lisa without telling her what you were doing?" "Yeah, 'cause I knew when we got back here we wouldn't have that much time." "And if you weren't telling her, how'd you get her information? How'd you know what her grades were...and stuff like her Social Security number?" Mike hesitated, but finally he admitted that he had collected Lisa's personal information by going through her computer and notebooks when he was in her room but she had fallen asleep. Ruthie's face was even more incredulous. "...and you're telling me you had no clue why she was so pissed at you? What gave you the right to go through her papers?" Mike blushed and stammered: "I...I suppose I shouldn't have done it, but I...sort of just wanted to have everything set up and..." "...then her dumping you is exactly what you deserved! I think she was fucking nice about it! If you loved her, how could you do something like that? She wasn't yours! She didn't belong to you! How could you do that to her?" "I was just trying to get us back home...that's all I was doing." "No! You were trying to get yourself back home and get your old life back, and force her life to fit with what you wanted for yourself! You thought you could cancel out everything that happened to her in Chicago so she could be with you. You can't do that. There's no going back. Once things change, you can't change them back!" The Outsider Ch. 09 A very sick feeling swept over Mike. After 10 months, he finally had his answer why Lisa had been so infuriated at him...the real reason. With that desperate effort to get her out of Chicago, he was the one who had closed the final door on their relationship. It was true; he had gone through her personal files to collect the information he needed to fill out the application. However well-meaning his intentions might have been, he had violated her trust. No wonder... ---------- It was very late, but they were not yet ready to return to their dorm rooms. Neither Mike nor Ruthie wanted to say goodnight and leave his misstep with Lisa as the final topic of the evening's conversation. He suggested walking across the playing field that separated the classroom buildings from the dorms, the same field where Ruthie had stood the week before staring up at the stars and contemplating the futility of her life. They walked to the edge of campus to the fence and she noticed the gate was open. She suggested going through the entrance and checking the path that led away from the university to the Pacific Ocean. Mike acquiesced, but they didn't go too far because the area off-campus was pitch black. Ruthie's mood shifted. She remembered her half-hearted attempt to come this way the previous week, with the goal of descending the hillside and jumping into the Pacific Ocean. She realized that she never would have made it, even had the gate been open, because it would have been too dark for her to follow the trail. She would have torn herself up a bit on the bushes before eventually giving up and returning to campus. What she had tried to do was really pathetic. To avoid the unpleasant memory of her failed suicide plan, she thought about what else she wanted to say about Lisa, and finally came up with another question: "I'm wondering something. Are you totally sure that it was Chicago that messed up things with Lisa? What would you have said had you come here to Davenport last year and the same thing happened? Then who would you have blamed?" "I have no idea. I really never thought about it, 'cause I always figured it was because we left California that things between us changed." "You wanna hear what I think?" "Yeah. I'd be curious." "I think that you and Lisa had a really great thing going in high school. You had a relationship that worked in a certain place and time. Then you graduated and left. It's kinda like an organism that evolves for a specific set of climatic conditions and maybe over-specializes. Then it migrates or the climate changes. The organism has to be able to evolve again, or it goes extinct. Your relationship with Lisa was kinda like that, 'cause it went extinct when the environment changed. You can't blame her and you can't really blame yourself, except for the part about the application." Mike wasn't sure what else he could add to her insight. He had not planned for her to know all the details about his ex-girlfriend and how they had broken up. And yet, in a way he was grateful that he had been forced to reveal that part of his life, because she was able to give him some honest assessment of his own actions. He had always thought of himself as the victim in the relationship and that Lisa had treated him horribly. For the first time, he could see things from her perspective and was able to understand how his own actions and decisions hastened, but probably did not cause, the break-up. Mike realized something else. If what Ruthie was saying was true, then Lisa was not destined to be the love of his life. The break-up was bound to happen, no matter what, because the circumstances in high school that drove them together vanished as soon as they crossed the stage and picked up their diplomas. If that were true, then what good would it have done had he not insisted on returning to California, had he never filled out that application, and had Lisa not fought with him over Christmas? The break-up would have been put off for a few months, but it still would have happened. Afterwards Mike would have spent the spring semester sulking around the dorm in Chicago, and every day he would have been confronted with the sight of his ex-girlfriend running up and down the halls. What actually happened was better: he stormed out of her life and she went back to Chicago and that was the end of her. It was a clean break, with no false hope of ever getting back together. In Chicago, he continuously would have seen her and wondered... There was another issue in Mike's life that now was resolved. He had been struggling with what to tell Ruthie about Lisa. He ended up telling her everything that she wanted to know. That had not been his intention, but it had happened that way because he was trying to justify his actions by giving her details. His relationship with Lisa was more of a skeleton in his closet than he could have suspected, but now that Ruthie knew the entire story she could make her own judgment about his merits as a possible partner. As he put it: "Well, for whatever it's worth, you know all about Lisa." They were quiet for a few more minutes. Mike was about to suggest they return to campus when Ruthie commented: "If you ever do that to me, what you did to Lisa...you know...dig through my papers to find shit out about me...without asking...I'd never forgive you. Never." "I know. It's not something I'd do to you." "You gotta promise me." "Ruthie, I'm not gonna 'promise'. Promises don't mean anything. People make them all the time. I'm simply telling you that I'm not gonna do it. You'll just have to take my word." Ruthie was about to object, but then she remembered a quote from the New Testament about making promises. "I guess...I guess you're right. 'I say to you, make no oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it is the footstool of His feet, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. Nor shall you make an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. Let what you say be simply "Yes" or "No"; and anything other than this comes from evil.'" Mike was surprised by the biblical quote, but he recognized it. "Sermon on the Mount -- from the Book of Matthew, if I remember right." "Yeah. Matthew 5:33-37. Most of what's in there is shit, but he did say a few things that made sense. So I'll take your word. I'm sure your word's more reliable than any promise would be." With that, she realized that Mike had given her the most honest answer possible. ---------- They returned to her dorm. Upon arriving at the building they noticed that the light in Ruthie's room was on and there were what looked like several people in there. Ruthie was upset, but as usual she was afraid to confront Shannon and force her to chase out her guests. She knew what would happen; that she would be subjected to ridicule and insults from everyone present. She had the option of telling the RA, but if she did that, Shannon would harass her for days afterwards. Mike offered to confront the guests on Ruthie's behalf, but she declined because that wouldn't work either. No doubt once everyone was out of the room Shannon would insult her for having a Parking Nazi handle her dirty work, because she was too big of a wimp to do it herself. Ruthie was in a no-win situation. "Well, then the only other solution is for you to come over to my room and crash there." Ruthie blushed and fidgeted. She was scared of accepting his offer, because she couldn't be sure of his intentions. However, she was dead tired, so much so that her dilemma with Shannon almost had her in tears. "I wouldn't...I...I mean...you wouldn't mind?" "Of course I wouldn't mind. Why would I?" "I...I don't know...I...I'm just thinking...maybe I'd better not..." "It'll be just to sleep...I'm not gonna push you on 'that'." She nodded, and they were off to his dorm building. It was a very awkward feeling when she entered his room for the first time. Todd's bed and furniture were completely empty, but the trash can near his desk was full of yellow police tape. Ruthie set her backpack on Todd's desk, while Mike pulled out an extra set of sheets from his dresser. They made the bed. "Do you have a toothbrush in your backpack?" She shook her head. "Do you want one?" She nodded. He gave her a new toothbrush and an open tube of toothpaste, and then pointed down the hallway to where the women's bathroom was on his floor. He found the largest t-shirt he had in his closet and put it on Todd's bed. Strange to think, if things went Mike's way, eventually they both would think of it as Ruthie's bed. A few minutes later he heard a light knock on his door and let her back in. To avoid the uncomfortable situation of what to do about changing, he left the room to clean up, which would give her time to change. He vaguely hoped that she would get undressed and not bother to put on the shirt, so when he returned to the room he was disappointed to see her wearing it. She was sitting on the bed with a nervous expression on her face, but Mike knew that expression was not in anticipation of having sex. She simply was nervous because the situation was unusual and she did not yet completely trust him. They would do what they had said they were going to do: sleep. At 4:30 the next morning she would wake up and go to work and from there the two students would resume their ordinary routines. However, Mike knew that if he could win Ruthie's trust be being patient with her, there would be plenty more nights of her being with him. Her life with Shannon was unbearable, so he would offer her a refuge, both in his heart and in his room. The two friends hugged each other goodnight. Ruthie got in Todd's old bed and promptly fell asleep. Mike stayed awake for a few minutes, listening to her breathing before falling asleep himself. The next morning he woke up at 6:30. Ruthie was long gone, but when he glanced over at Todd's empty desk, he noticed that she had folded her sleeping shirt and put her toothbrush on top. Next to the shirt were two large geology textbooks and a couple of notebooks. She must have taken them out of her backpack before going to work. He understood what that meant, that she fully expected to return and already was starting to keep her things there. The Outsider Ch. 10 Chapter 10 - Ruthie's obsession When her shift ended at 11:00, Ruthie returned to her room for the first time in 24 hours. She could tell that Shannon was somewhat curious to know where she had been, but since the two students were not on speaking terms; Ruthie did not feel obligated to offer any explanation. She loaded her backpack and immediately left to meet up with Mike for lunch. Among the items Ruthie decided to stuff in her backpack was the dress that he had bought for her the previous weekend. As much as she wanted to wear it around campus, for some reason she felt very uneasy wearing it in and out of her own dorm. It would be much easier for her to put it on in Mike's dorm and avoid the judgmental comments of a bunch of women she hated. She figured that she'd wear it over the weekend if the weather was warm enough, partly to let Mike know that she did appreciate the gift. Ruthie had expected that Shannon would be glad to see considerably less of her. Shannon's feelings were more mixed than Ruthie could have anticipated, because while she was satisfied to have the room to herself, it bothered her that Ruthie suddenly had become much less of a target for her and her friends. On the surface she would have said that the less she saw of her nerdy roommate, the better. However, subconsciously she enjoyed having Ruthie to pick on. She was a natural bully that had delighted in finding ways to hurt her roommate and making her feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. It was apparent, now that Ruthie had a boyfriend and was getting emotional support from that Parking Nazi; she no longer was so isolated. The other women on Ruthie's floor felt the same way. No longer was she seen wandering around the hallways by herself with a depressed expression, so suddenly she was not so easy to ridicule. ---------- Mike had one of his political meetings that night, but he told his friend that afterwards he wanted to meet up with her at the library and make sure that she made it back safely to her room. He asked her where she was going to be in the library and she responded that usually she studied at night in the basement. That surprised him, because he knew that the basement was always deserted for at least an hour before closing time. "I know. That's why I go there. I like it 'cause it's quiet and when nobody's around I can do what I want." The comment left Mike wondering: when nobody's around, she can do what she wants? What on earth would that be? He gave the matter some thought, and suspected that she must be doing something that would not be considered acceptable if any one else was around. He wished he knew what that was... Mike sat through his meeting, which for once did hold out a promise that the Danubian Solidarity Committee might accomplish something worthwhile at the national level. The organization was among several political groups that had filed a class-action lawsuit claiming that the Mega-Town "hate speech" law violated the First Amendment and thus was unconstitutional. The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals had agreed to hear the case, to the outrage of Mega-Town Associates. A major public relations battle lay ahead and Mega-Town planned to launch a three billion dollar ad campaign to turn public opinion against the court challenge. Three billion dollars...that was going to pay for a lot of ads. Mega-Town never did anything on a small scale. It was 10:45 before Mike went to the library. Ruthie, as usual for her at that hour, already had taken off her dress and was studying naked. When she heard the elevator, she quickly stood up and slipped the garment over her body. She was still standing and smoothing the dress over her thighs when he saw her. She was barefoot and her shoes were lying under the study table. She was blushing and had a nervous expression. Mike's heart beat rapidly, because he suspected what had happened, that she hurriedly got dressed when she heard the elevator; and that just a couple of seconds before she had been naked. It had to be that...why else would she be down in the basement alone? Why else would she be smoothing her dress over her thighs...and why else would she be looking so nervous? Precisely because she was so uneasy at the moment, she hugged him very tightly when they greeted. He could feel her soft body pressing against him as he ran his fingers over her bare back. He resisted the temptation to lower his hands and feel her bottom to see if she was wearing any panties. He already knew that she was not...that underneath that flimsy dress she was totally bare. To touch her...to see her...and maybe to lift up her skirt...and she was so close to him... ---------- On their way back to the dorms Mike coaxed out of his friend what she had been doing in the library. He talked to her about his meeting and then asked her to tell him about her study routine. He slowly worked his way towards the answer, by asking her what was so special about being in the basement, what it was like to be there so late at night, did she always study with her shoes off... He could tell that she was blushing in the darkness and getting increasingly uneasy. When he suspected he had figured out what it was that she was doing, his heart pounded. Trying to maintain control of his voice, he commented: "I'd guess I see your point. It would be nice down there...if no one was around, and you can do whatever you want...I suppose you could even streak or study naked if you wanted to...I mean...no one would be around to say anything." Ruthie was quiet, but Mike could sense that she was very nervous. He knew that the best thing he could have done would have been to back off at that moment, but the thought of her sitting naked in that basement had captured his imagination. He just had to know. "So...what's this daring thing that you like to do in the library, anyway?" Ruthie remained quiet, trying to decide whether or not to tell him the truth. For some reason she did want to let him know, to confide her secret with him. But to tell Mike about her nude late-night adventures would force her to explain to him her fascination with being naked. She would have to entrust a very important part of her inner being with another person, a part of herself that had remained secret from the rest of the world up until that moment. For a minute they walked in silence, while he waited for an answer and she debated with herself whether or not to trust him. Finally, in a very nervous tone of voice she responded: "Mike...if I...uh...tell you something...can you...uh...like promise me that...uh...you'll like...keep it a secret?" "Of course I'd keep it a secret. Who would I tell anyway?" "And...like...uh...promise that you won't be weirded-out? I...'cause I know it's gonna seem kinda strange..." He gently squeezed her arm. His heart was pounding, however, as he tried to control his voice. "It would take a lot to weird me out, Ruthie." She swallowed. "I have to trust you, Mike. You have to promise me you won't tell." "I won't tell." "OK...then...like...when I'm alone...I mean like...you know...when everybody else is gone...I...I like to take off my clothes...you know...hang out down there in the nude...It's kinda a thing with me...I like being nude...when I can...like...uh...whenever I have a chance...and I found out that's a place I can do it..." Mike's heart continued to pound. So he was right. That was indeed what she had been doing in the library when he met up with her. "I'm not weirded-out by that at all, Ruthie. I think it's awesome that you have the guts to do that." "You're not weirded-out? You're actually OK with it?" "As I said, I think it's great that you have that kind of nerve." He glanced at her in the darkness. He could see her large nervous eyes looking up at him, her pupils reflecting a nearby sidewalk light. He added: "I like people who go against the "norms" of our society. More people need to do that. And that's one of the things I've always liked about you. You don't play by the rules...and I think it's really great that you're rebelling like that." "I don't know how much of a rebellion it is, 'cause nobody knows about it. I'd really get busted if they caught me, so I try to be careful about it." "That risk you're taking is why what you're doing is sticking it to the system. You're not taking the psychological shit they've been pushing on us for granted." "No, I 'spose that's true...I've had a lot of shit pushed on me, all the religious crap my mom was always hitting me with...and the whole thing about my body was a big part of it. So...it's kinda important for me...being naked as much as I can...I mean...if it wasn't illegal, I'd never wear any clothes at all." From that point she talked about her own experiences in the nude and how everything had started with a simple suggestion from her mother that she sleep in her underwear. "It all started with that, and I couldn't get enough of being naked when I was a teenager. If my mom wasn't home, I never wore my clothes. Ever." She talked about her naked hours in the early mornings after her mother left for work, and how for her it was a way to get revenge for having her life so restricted in the afternoons. She liked nothing more than to be naked in the living room reading about evolution, both acts of defiance against the teachings of her mother's church. She talked about how, when she got older, she streaked around her apartment complex. "That was really scary, 'cause of a whole bunch of reasons. People there knew my mom...and the place was kinda dangerous. There was this one time I was out...and I heard gunshots...that scared the shit out of me...I pissed myself I was so scared...I mean...here I was out running around naked and someone's shooting off a gun, and I was wondering if they'd seen me and were shooting at me...That night I nearly got caught, 'cause people were coming out of their apartments and I could hear sirens...I ran back to my place...and had to hide for a few seconds because someone came running down the sidewalk...a couple of guys...they ran right past me. I think it was a gang hit, and those guys were the murderers, and I saw them. I feel kinda guilty, 'cause I was the only person who saw them, and I couldn't say anything 'cause everyone would've wanted to know what I was doing outside at that hour...and...like...I was gonna tell them the truth? So I got back inside and cleaned up, and a few minutes later the cops are knocking on my door. They asked me if I saw anything, and I told 'em no...I just heard the gunshots. They left, and the murder never got solved. I didn't go out for a long time after that, but I did go out a few more times just before I graduated. Mike was totally fascinated with what his friend was telling him. He was curious if she had any nude adventures on campus apart from her evenings in the library. She fidgeted, blushed, and looked at the ground. She was afraid to tell him, but having already confided in him to that point; she figured he might as well know the rest of the truth. "Yeah...there was another spot I used to go to. You remember last week, when you were out ticketing...and I was kinda upset about you being there?" "Yes, I remember you being...like...worried or something..." "It wasn't because I was bothered about the cars. You know that cluster of trees off to the side, between the Econ building and the parking lot?" "Yeah..." "I was going there...you know...hanging out under the shade...I'd take a towel and lie there and study...I wasn't worried about getting caught, 'cause with the lot all full of students' cars, no one ever went by there in the middle of the day 'cause all the parking was taken. It was sort of a private little spot for me...a place no one knew about where I could...you know...just relax..." "...and me going after them messed that up for you." Ruthie nodded, but tried to reassure him: "I mean...I don't want you to feel guilty about it...I know you gotta do your job...but I was kinda upset about it at the time." Mike did feel guilty, but he also was somewhat resentful that his duty to his job conflicted with making Ruthie happy. He tried to come up with a suggestion: "Why don't you just keep going to your spot? If the police come around, I could warn you 'cause I can hear them on my radio." Ruthie shook her head. "No...it wouldn't work...I've thought about it, but now there's too many people going up and down that sidewalk...older people...alumni...vendors...and they'd be looking over at the trees and see me...and that's not what I want. I don't want to upset anyone...anyhow...it's probably just as well...'cause it's gonna start getting too cold anyway...you know...for me to be there in the shade with my clothes off..." Mike sighed. "Fuck...now you're making me feel really bad...I...I'm sorry I messed it up for you. I'll try to make it up to you." "Don't worry about it. I know it's your job and you can't help it. And you've made it up to me plenty of times. I mean...I'm not mad at you...really I'm not. I don't want you to feel bad." She could tell that he remained doubtful and that he still was trying to think of something to tell her. She wanted to reassure him. For the first time she touched his hand. "Look. I'm not worried about Econ-A. Me being with you is a lot more important. You're the only person who's treated me decently since I've gotten here." He hugged her. She put her arms around him and squeezed hard. He was elated at Ruthie's attitude towards being naked, because it was not too different from his own. He sought to reassure her: :Anyhow...if you want to be with a guy who's OK with you being nude, you've found him, 'cause I've done it plenty myself. You know Bonnie Doon Beach? Just down the road?" Ruthie nodded. "You ever been there?" She nodded again. "I used to go there all the time when I was in high school." "Really? To the nude part?" "Yeah...especially during my senior year...to the nude part. And there's another beach...further north of here...San Gregorio. I've been there too." "San Gregorio? I've always wanted to go there!" Mike's heart pounded even more... "Well, if you want...I'll take you up there sometime." Ruthie nodded. Mike thought about offering to take her that upcoming Saturday, which would give him a chance to see her naked for several hours and possibly present him a chance to coax her into having sex. However, he remembered that it was supposed to rain over the weekend and he did not want to raise either her hopes or his own only to have the weather ruin their plans. Instead he asked her if anyone had ever seen her naked in a public spot. "Just at the beach...that's about it. You're the first person I really know who I've said anything to about it. No one else has ever seen me, except for the people from the beach, and they don't know who I am in real life." Mike had his own confession to make; one that he was sure would surprise and impress her: "Then I've got you beat. Last year I ran a 10-K marathon in the nude at my university in Chicago, in broad daylight in front of about 50,000 spectators." "Really? In the nude? Tell me about it!" ---------- Mike's university in Chicago had a unique event the last Saturday each September: the Tri-Alpha fraternity's annual nude 10-K marathon run. The average number of people racing each year was about 150, which included all Tri-Alpha pledges plus anyone else from the students or faculty who wanted to participate. The run was not an experience for anyone with any modesty, because not only did the participants have to complete a 10 kilometer route around the university wearing nothing but shoes and socks, but they also had to remain naked in the stadium to attend the event's opening and closing ceremonies. Even though public access to campus was restricted during the race, the stadium was full to capacity and thousands more spectators lined the entire route. There were at least 50,000 spectators all together, and it seemed that each one had a high quality camera with a fancy lens. Mike's participation in the run was an outcome of the rivalry that his ex-girlfriend had with their floor RA, a sophomore by the name of Cecilia Sanchez. Cecilia and Lisa had agreed to settle their rivalry with a game of strip Poker and originally had planned to just play against each other. However, Cecilia came up with the idea that the loser should have to run the nude 10-K race. She also came up with the idea of forcing the women's two boyfriends to play as well, along with a third guy from their group. Out of five players, there would be four losers, each of whom had to take a registration form for the race. Cecilia's plan worked out perfectly for her. The three guys and Lisa lost the Poker game and were committed to running 10 kilometers in the nude. On the day of the race itself, Cecilia assembled her four residents in her room and forced them to strip. Then she took them to the front steps of the dorm, where they were greeted by hundreds of cheering residents. Completely naked except for running shoes, Mike and the others were forced to walk to the stadium with the entire dorm's population marching and cheering behind them. In the stadium there was a ceremony and photo session prior to the race, so by the time the competition actually started Mike, Lisa, and the other guys already had been naked outdoors for two hours and subjected to hundreds of photos. The race involved another hour of grueling physical challenge in the nude, running along the sidewalks around the campus. For Mike the race actually was the easiest part, because the physical difficulty of running 10 kilometers blocked out the fear and embarrassment he had felt earlier in the day. He did OK in the race, finishing in the middle of all the runners. He didn't win, but he didn't stand out as a wimp either. Cecilia's boyfriend won the men's portion of the race, and Lisa, with her long legs and toned body, won the women's competition. The fact that Mike's friends were race winners prolonged his nude day, because Cecilia had his clothes locked up in her room and he could not get dressed until she took everyone back to the dorm. By the end of the day Mike had been naked for so long that he quit noticing it. He and his companions were among the last of the race participants to get dressed, because Cecilia insisted that they had to cross the university in the nude to return to their dorm and retrieve their clothes from her room. When Mike finished describing his adventure, Ruthie was awestruck. The idea of spending six hours in the nude in front of 50,000 people totally fascinated her. The fact that Mike had done it, in spite of his serious appearance and behavior, fascinated her even more. And she had thought she was daring...just because she went streaking alone or sat naked in the library! ---------- The two friends discussed their experiences with being nude a little more. Mike mentioned that his father's house had a pool and that he and his sister had grown up used to not having to wear swimsuits when they used it. That was another offer Mike could hold out for his friend, going over to his house one weekend and using his pool. Ruthie readily agreed. The conversation turned to the topic of their respective roommates and their attitudes on nudity. Mike asked about Shannon, to which Ruthie responded: "If super-bitch is in the room, I'll wear a long t-shirt 'cause I don't want her giving me shit ... about being naked around her, I mean. But if she's not there, I always take it off. I mean, that's one of the reasons I really wish I could have my own room. I'm sick of having to deal with someone else's morality." Mike commented about his own experience with Todd before he died. The Outsider Ch. 10 "It was sort of weird how things were between me and Todd. I'd sleep naked, and I seriously don't think he ever noticed. He never said anything, so I 'spose he didn't care one way or the other...he was too wrapped up with his monsters. I didn't flaunt it, though. I'd get my clothes off or take off my towel and pull the sheet over me and that was it." "And now you've got the room to yourself. You are so fucking lucky." Mike thought about the fact he now was the sole occupant of the room and that Ruthie was so unhappy in her situation with Shannon. He decided to make her an offer: "Ruthie, if you'd like a private place to study in the afternoons, you know, to replace the trees over at Econ-A, I could let you borrow my room while I'm out ticketing. Obviously if you're in there you can wear or not wear whatever you want. It'd be more of a chance for you to get away from Shannon." Ruthie nodded and hugged him. She trusted him considerably more after having spent an uneventful night with him in his room, so she accepted. Now she had a safe private place to study in the afternoons. She badly wanted to reward him for his kindness. She still was not ready to have sex, but she was ready to take the relationship with him a bit further than just friendship. She was well-aware that was what he badly wanted. She suggested going over to the Econ building, which she knew would be totally deserted. When they got to the sidewalk leading to the lot, she stopped. She was extremely nervous, but put out her hand. He took it and they embraced. She continued: "I...uh...you know...like...I mean...do you wanna kiss me?" "You're OK with it?" She nodded. She tilted her head up and Mike kissed her. He was elated, but he could tell that the passion with which Lisa had kissed him was lacking with Ruthie. He figured that she must not have much experience kissing, perhaps none at all. Ruthie did have some experience, but she was extremely uneasy about what she was doing. Mike would be only the third guy she had ever kissed. There had been a friend of Gerardo that she kissed just before her mother changed her work schedule...and that was when she was 13. The second time was at her Junior Prom...which was one of the most disastrous nights of her life. She had not kissed anyone since then. The Prom was a year and a half ago. The more important reason Ruthie was extremely nervous was her motive for allowing Mike to kiss her. She did not really want it for herself, but felt that she owed it to him as a reward him for treating her so kindly. She knew at that moment she was committing herself to being Mike's girlfriend. She could only hope that the passion would come later, because she was not feeling it at the moment. She was kissing him out of her feelings for love for him, but that love was gratitude, not sexual desire. ---------- Precisely because she was so nervous, Ruthie was not thinking straight and a very strange idea entered her head, the urge to streak. She looked around to make sure that no one was in sight: "You've gone running naked on campus and I haven't. Want me to even that up for you?" "What?" She said nothing more, but pulled her dress over her head and handed it to him. He stood with wide eyes and a gaping expression as she danced in circles on the sidewalk, wearing nothing but her shoes. "Stay here. Warn me if anyone comes around." She rushed off, as he watched her naked backside jiggle while she moved away. His heart was pounding. He was totally shocked, and wasn't sure that he wasn't having a weird erotic dream. The girl's attractive figure disappeared in the darkness. He dumbly looked at the dress he was holding to assure himself that he wasn't imagining things. Ruthie jogged around the side of the Econ Building. Running around the front would be much more dangerous because the area overlooked a main street and was well lit. There was no one in sight, so she decided to risk it. With her heart pounding she ran down the sidewalk, totally terrified at what she was doing. It seemed that the more she ran, the more the far corner of the building receded into the distance. By the time she passed the main entrance she was totally panicked. She heard a whistle...and realized that someone was watching her. The terror mounted until...finally she made it to the end of the building and turned the corner. She ran across the grass towards the sidewalk, towards the back side of the building, towards Mike, and towards safety. Mike heard her footsteps and panicked breathing as she came tearing down the sidewalk towards him. She became visible under the lights. She was sweaty and had a terrified expression on her face. A couple of seconds later she was back in his arms...gasping heavily and trembling. Mike passionately kissed her. Ruthie was so emotionally worked up from her brief run that she was passionate about kissing him as well, much more so than that first nervous kiss just a few minutes before. Ruthie put her dress on. Suddenly she was mortified at what she had just done. She had no clue why that urge had hit her with such force. She blushed furiously in the darkness as she hugged Mike again. "OK...now I know that you're not bullshitting me when you tell me you like to run around in the nude." She nodded. Mike sensed that she was terrified by what she had just done and wondering what his reaction would be. He thought of suggesting something to set her at ease. It was also something that he had wanted to do, but he would have felt strange if he had to go by himself. Now he had someone to go with. "The day after tomorrow's Halloween. Most years...it's kinda a tradition...there's always a group of students that streak the fountain at the Student Center at midnight. Wanna go?" Ruthie nodded. A few minutes later they were outside her dorm. To Mike's huge disappointment the lights in Ruthie's room were off. Shannon was either gone or asleep, which meant that Ruthie could sleep in peace in her own room. She kissed him goodnight and vanished through the front door. Mike wandered off to his own dorm, trying to absorb the night's strange events. Tomorrow he would see her in the coffee shop and later they would have lunch and sit together in class. Then hopefully...she'd be safely in his room...studying...in the nude... The Outsider Ch. 11 Chapter 11 - An answer to Ruthie's question The following day was Friday. As usual Mike did his morning trek to the Student Center to buy his normal cup of regular coffee. As usual, Ruthie was wearing her apron and little else: just a pair of old running shorts, a thin t-shirt, and her battered running shoes. Mike wondered how she withstood the walk from the dorm; because it was drizzling and the temperature outside was 48 degrees. It was obvious that she was not comfortable at all, because her skin was covered with goose-bumps and she looked pale. She admitted that she had gone outside without bothering to check the forecast, and upon getting out on the sidewalk she wanted to turn back and get a jacket, but did not want to deal with going back in the room where Shannon was still sleeping. Mike resisted the urge to roll his eyes, but he had to ask. Ruthie was so afraid of Shannon that she wouldn't even go back into her room to get a jacket? She responded that she was not exactly afraid of Shannon, but that dealing with her was so stressful that she tried to have as little contact with "super-bitch" as possible. Mike handed over his jacket and insisted that she put it on. She looked very funny in the oversized garment, with the sleeves covering her hands and the waist extending past the bottom of her shorts, but at least she quit shivering. "You're gonna have to keep a jacket or two at my room. If you get yourself sick that's not gonna do anyone any good." Ruthie and Mike sat in the literature class together and had lunch together. Since the day was still very dreary and chilly, Ruthie had no desire to be outside and was planning to go to the library. Mike suggested his room instead. Ruthie hesitated for a moment, but her resistance quickly broke down. The thought of having a room to herself for an entire afternoon, with no interruptions, no roommate and no CD player, no one walking by...where she could sit at a desk or lie on a bed...where she could spread her books out and just study in peace...the temptation was too much for her. Finally she accepted Mike's offer and accompanied him to the room. As soon as Mike was gone Ruthie locked the door and took off her clothes, which consisted of nothing more than pulling down her shorts and taking off her t-shirt. She pulled down the covers of the spare bed and spread out her books with the idea that she would spend her afternoon reading while lying down. However, Mike's window, which was high enough that no one outside could see into, proved too much of a temptation for her attention. She sat in the vacant chair and spent a few minutes just looking out at the campus and all the students below as they made their way to and from their classes. The silence of the room was delicious to a person who had been subjected to so much noise from her roommate and her friends. At that moment Ruthie hated Shannon all that much more, because she had a chance to experience the tranquility she was missing out on because of the presence of "super-bitch" in her life. Ruthie had not realized it, but she was badly sleep-deprived. Typically she went to sleep around 11:00 pm or midnight and had to wake up at 4:30 to be at work by 5:00. The day's cold and dampness had affected her as well. Within a few minutes of sitting down at Mike's window she began nodding off. No problem...there's a bed right here, I'll just rest for a little bit and then get up and study. She rested alright...but living more than two months without adequate sleep finally caught up with her. She lay down without bothering to pull the sheet over herself, passed out, and remained sleeping with nothing to disturb her for the next five hours. ---------- That afternoon was another "pay dirt" day for Parking Officer # 036. Because it was chilly and drizzling, over a hundred students blissfully assumed that surely the "Parking Nazi" of lot Econ-A would not spend an afternoon standing out in the cold just to write tickets. Wrong...Mike knew that precisely because it was a cold rainy day, he had the chance to drive home the message he had been trying to push on the parking meter violators over the past two weeks: that at no time, and under no circumstances, was lot Econ-A a free parking zone. In spite of the trouble he had keeping his ticketing machine and envelopes dry, he still managed to write nearly 300 tickets. Infuriated students returned to their cars and jerked off two or three tickets from their windshields. Several yelled things such as: "It's fucking raining! Why are you out here? What's fucking wrong with you, goddamn Nazi?" ...to which Mike casually responded that the meters worked just as well in the rain as they did when it was sunny, and that as far as he knew, coins were water-proof. As usual there was the roaring of engines and screeching of tires from infuriated students, but the lesson had been taught. Rain or no rain, there simply was no free parking in lot Econ-A. Assuming the weather was clear next week, the situation there would be under control, with the exception of a few die-hards whose cars eventually would have to be towed. Mike's clothing was very wet when he returned his ticketing machine to the dispatcher. He was known as the fanatic of the Parking Department and his stats for Friday did not disappoint. He had written 265 tickets for the shift, slowed down only slightly by the rain and having to keep the machine and the ticketing supplies reasonably dry. No one else came even close to Mike's numbers: the best any of his co-workers had done that day was under 50 tickets. Only Mike Sinclair was stupid enough, or dedicated enough, to stand in the rain for five hours writing meter tickets. Mike changed his shirt when he got off work, but that did him no good whatsoever because his jacket, pants, and shoes were soaked. He would be very happy to get back to his dorm room, take a hot shower, and put on dry clothes. He remembered that his...girlfriend?...was studying in his room. That presented him with a dilemma. He wondered if he should call ahead or knock to let her know that he was coming, but then decided against it. Ruthie knew full-well that his shift ended at 5:00 and that he'd be back no later than 5:30, the time they always went to dinner. The thought crossed his mind that she might be sleeping, and if so, it'd be better not to disturb her. Besides...maybe...she'd be naked? Why not? Just the previous night hadn't she, with no prompting whatsoever, run nude in a complete circle around the Econ Building? If she did that, she had proven that she definitely was not shy...so maybe upon returning to the room he would get a chance to see her. Mike noticed that the light was not turned in his window as he approached the dorm building. When he came up to the door there was no sound coming from the room. He was deeply disappointed, because he figured that Ruthie must have left sometime during the afternoon. He put his key into the door and quietly opened it. He was expecting to see Todd's side of the room empty, except for perhaps a few items she had decided not to take with her. Instead, he was shocked to see her uncovered body soundly asleep on his former roommate's bed. She was lying on her stomach with her face turned towards the window. Mike could tell from her breathing that he had not woken her up and that she was not aware that he was in the room. Mike knew that he needed to do one of two things. He either needed to back out of the room and knock, or cover her with a sheet so she could continue sleeping and he could change. He opted for the second choice, but for the moment he couldn't resist the urge to take a close look at his companion's lovely figure. She had left the curtains open and it was still mostly light outside, so there was plenty of light in the room. Yes, he had seen her the previous night, but only for a few seconds and in a place that was very poorly lit. Mike's hungry eyes roamed up and down his friend's uncovered body, taking in every detail. Except for her back going up and down slightly from her respiration, she was lying perfectly still. Her body was small, but well proportioned. She had slender legs and shapely hips. Her bottom was somewhat flat. She had no tan-lines from a swimsuit, but her arms and legs were slightly darker than her torso from running around in shorts and a t-shirt all the time. Her arms were folded up close to her chest and hid her breasts, but her legs and bottom cheeks were slightly spread, allowing him to see a small portion of the black hair that covered her vulva. She did not have very much hair on the rest of her body. Mike noticed that she had not shaved her legs or under her arms for several days. From what he could see that moment, and from what he had seen of her the previous night, apparently she never shaved her vulva. That was new for him, because Lisa completely shaved herself every couple of days. Mike already knew that Ruthie shaved on an irregular basis, whenever she "got around to it." A strange thought crossed Mike's mind as he studied Ruthie's figure. Ruthie was the new girl in his life, so this body that he was looking at was "his". Finally he forced himself to stop admiring her. He knew that if she woke up and saw him standing next to the bed staring at her, chances were that would be the end of their relationship. He figured that it would not be so much the embarrassment him seeing her naked that would make her upset, but rather him doing something that she would perceive as a violation of her trust. She already had expressed that part of herself during the conversation about Lisa. Mike eased a couple of her books off the bed and gently pulled the cover over her. She still did not wake up, although she moved slightly when he let the blanket rest on her body. Now that she no longer was exposed, Mike figured that he could go about his normal activities in the room. He opened up a closet door to partially conceal himself from her view, undressed, wrapped a towel around his waist, and went to the men's bathroom to shower and get cleaned up. ---------- Ruthie woke up while Mike was out of the room. She sat up confused, because outside it was dusk, the final light of a dreary wet gray afternoon. She was lying in the bed near the window, which was the bed that Shannon had taken. What was she doing in Shannon's bed? She sat up in a panic, knowing there would be hell to pay if her roommate caught her sleeping in her bed and even more so because she was naked. Ruthie then looked at Shannon's desk, only to realize that none of her roommate's things were on it. Her own stuff was there instead...her backpack and some of her geology books. She looked around the darkening room, and then realized that she was not in her own dorm at all, but instead in Mike's. She lay back down in the bed, tired and still disoriented, not yet comprehending that she had been asleep the entire afternoon. Finally she glanced at Mike's clock...6:23 pm. She looked again...6:23? Was that right? Then she saw Mike's wet jacket hanging on his desk chair and his wet shoes lying on the floor. With that she realized that it really was already well past 6:00, that she had slept the entire afternoon, and that Mike already had returned to the room, changed, and for whatever reason had left. Then she remembered that she had not bothered to pull the blanket over herself when she lay down. It was possible that she had covered herself while she was sleeping, but she knew that it was much more likely that Mike had come into the room, saw her lying on the bed, and decided to cover her up. She shuddered and blushed, because that would mean he had seen her sleeping in the nude. She was contemplating whether or not to get dressed and leave when she heard Mike's key in the door. She quickly lay back down, with the blanket pulled above her breasts. She knew what she was doing was silly, given her behavior less than 24 hours before. She had shared her love of being naked with Mike and wanted his room to be the one place on campus where she could be honest with both him and herself about that part of her personality. However, the issue of sex loomed over her. She wanted to be free to be naked around Mike, but she did not want him to interpret that as an invitation for having sex. She knew that Mike was a young guy, and that as such he needed and wanted sexual intercourse. She understood that if she wanted to have him as a boyfriend for any length of time, at some point she would have to share her body with him...but...just...not right now. Mike felt nervous seeing her awake in bed, naked but with the blanket covering her. He said hello and bent down to kiss her. He asked her about her afternoon, to which she responded: "I didn't have much of an afternoon. I kinda slept." He decided that one thing he was going to do was not bother about being modest around her anymore. He took off his towel and deliberately walked around the room in the nude, doing things like combing his hair and tending to his wet clothes. He was nervous about what he was doing, but he wanted to push being openly naked as part of the relationship he was developing with her. She shyly kept the blanket tight around her chest, but she watched him intently, taking in the details of his body. Once Mike had dressed and the danger of sex with him had passed, Ruthie reluctantly got out of bed. She tried to act casual, as Mike had done, but her heart was pounding. She allowed him to have another good look at her backside as she put on her shorts and t-shirt. When she stepped towards the door, Mike brusquely told her that she needed a jacket and at the very least she should put on some socks to protect her feet from the cold. Blushing, she did as she was told. ---------- Because they already had missed dinner at Watson Hall, Mike decided to invite Ruthie out to Santa Cruz. He knew they needed to get off-campus and put the uncomfortable encounter in the doom room behind them. They repeated the activities from their first night in town, wandering around used bookstores, going out to eat, and walking along the city's boardwalk. Mike pointed out a couple of books that covered the impact of evangelical Christianity on US politics. One of Mike's recent favorites was a book by a political analyst called Kevin Phillips that argued that a combination of over-reliance on financial services and evangelical Christianity were factors in the national decline of several powerful nations over the past 500 years. Phillips pointed out that conditions in the US were following the same pattern and the process of national decline in North America already was well underway. Ruthie was extremely interested. Mike commented: "No need to buy this one; I already have it. You'd be interested in borrowing it?" Ruthie nodded with enthusiasm. Without saying anything, that evening the couple worked out how much physical contact they would have in public. They both felt uncomfortable holding hands while walking, but if they stopped anywhere for more than a few seconds, Mike put his arms around her. She enjoyed that; having the feeling of being protected by someone she cared about and who she knew cared for her. When they went back to Davenport, Ruthie began to feel uncomfortable, because she realized that she and Mike had reached a turning point in their relationship. The next time they were alone together in his room, the question of sex would have to be addressed. It was clear that Mike wanted and expected a sexual relationship from her, but she simply did not feel ready. She did not want to turn him down when he approached her, especially if she was going to be sleeping in his room and using it to study. However, that night was not the time she wanted to commit herself to that aspect of a serious relationship. She could tell that Mike was hugely disappointed when she told him that she wanted to go back to her room for the night. She dreaded the thought that maybe Shannon would be in the room partying, because if that were so, she'd have no option other than to return with Mike to his room. Fortunately for her, Shannon was gone and the lights were turned out. Ruthie hugged him and kissed him goodnight, but the message was clear. That night they would sleep apart. ---------- The following day Ruthie woke up to see that her nemesis had returned and was passed out in her bed, probably from a night of heavy drinking. She grabbed some more of her books, a towel, and a few articles of clothing and stuffed everything in a shopping bag. As an afterthought she took her cell phone charger and her camera, realizing it made more sense to keep them at Mike's room instead of her own. That moment was significant, because she had decided that she was going to be spending most of her time with Mike and only use her own room as a place to sleep. Anyhow, she no longer trusted Shannon around her things. She glanced at her computer, thinking that at some point in the near future she'd want to move it as well. She slipped out of the room and stepped outside into a thick fog. She could tell however, that the storm front had passed and throughout the morning the temperature would warm up after the sun came out. If it warmed up enough, she could put on the dress that Mike had bought her the previous week and wear it around Davenport. That would be neat! Mike already was up working on a term paper when he heard a faint knock on his door. He knew who it was, because surely no one else would be knocking at 7:30 in the morning. Mike normally slept naked and had not yet bothered to get dressed. He thought about answering the door in the nude, but figured that it probably would be better to be wearing something when she entered. He put on a pair of clean shorts and one of his t-shirts and opened up for her. The full shopping bag in his friend's hand told him that it was obvious she expected to spend the entire day with him. At that moment he had conflicting thoughts about what was happening. She had not bothered to call ahead to see if he wanted her to come over so early, if he had other plans, or if he was even in the room. She just showed up, taking it for granted they were close enough that he would not consider her coming over an imposition. He was conflicted between being irritated at her self-centeredness and being flattered that she trusted him enough to assume he'd always be glad to see her, no matter what. He put aside his reservations about her impromptu visit and kissed her good morning. If nothing else he'd get a good make-out and hug out of it. Ruthie's sudden appearance forced Mike to re-think his plans for the day. He had expected to get together with her in the evening for dinner and then take her to the Student Center to celebrate Halloween. Before doing that he was planning to study in the morning, go for a hike in the afternoon, and take a nap before dinner so he would not be tired later that night. None of those activities were things he had to do alone. He'd let Ruthie stay with him in the morning and study, then take her with him hiking, and then...maybe... before taking a nap... finally... Ruthie quickly settled down on Todd's bed to study. She was more rested than she had been at any time since the semester began, but also she was stressed about having not studied the day before. Mike said nothing more and returned to his term paper. By 1:00 it was much warmer and sunny outside, so Mike suggested going out for a late lunch. Ruthie agreed and decided that it was just warm enough that she could wear her dress. Mike's heart pounded at the thought that she actually was going to go out, in broad daylight, in her little red dress. Sure enough, she turned her back to him, pulled out the dress from the wardrobe where she had her clothes, and took off her t-shirt. She put on the dress and pulled down her shorts. She slipped on her sandals and that was it, she was ready to go out. The Outsider Ch. 11 Mike decided to stay in Davenport, on the assumption they were less likely to have problems where there was a higher concentration of young adults, some of whom were dressed only slightly less provocatively than Ruthie. They would walk off-campus, have lunch, and just stretch their legs around the small business district. Later they could return to campus, with the idea they could go up to the observatory and perhaps walk around the hill that was above it. Ruthie thoroughly enjoyed the feeling of the cool sunny afternoon breeze on her bare skin. She especially loved the feeling of the air on her bare hips and blowing up the skirt on her vulva and bottom. It was obvious to any observer paying attention to her that she was not wearing anything under her dress, but according to the law as it was written, she was just within compliance. A couple of campus cops did notice her, but said nothing. They had lunch at an outdoor burrito place before walking to Davenport's only bookstore and the town's main park. At the park there was an evangelical street-preacher ranting about sinful college students, the Rapture, and the Second Coming. Ruthie was in a good enough mood that she could have ignored him...until the moment he noticed her scanty clothing. He yelled at her concerning her lack of decency and called her a whore "in the name of Jesus". Mike was infuriated and wanted to settle the matter with his fist, but Ruthie pushed past him, turned her back to the street preacher, bent over, and flipped up the back of her skirt. She was completely naked from the waist down, which horrified the preacher. That was precisely Ruthie's intent. She slapped her bare bottom hard and screamed: "Check this out, faggot! I'll bet you've never seen one of these before! Take a good look at what you'll never have, you stupid piece of shit!" With that Ruthie turned around and got into a very ugly confrontation with the street preacher. He continued to call her a whore and she continued to call him a faggot. That was just the beginning. Ruthie accused Jesus and the disciples of being a group of homosexuals...just like the street preacher...and the reason why they started their religion in the first place was they were such social rejects that no women wanted to touch them. Ruthie cited some biblical passages that, oddly enough, made such an accusation plausible. She continued, claiming that because biblical prophets were such losers with women, they went into caves and had gay orgies and wrote up fantasies about their imaginary friend for lack of anything better to do. Within a few minutes, Ruthie's insults were so vicious that her opponent could not come up with coherent answers to what she was saying. A couple of by-passers applauded and the street preacher was reduced to screaming "You are a true daughter of Satan!" "Not of Satan, faggot! I'm a true daughter of Lilith!" With that Ruthie flipped up the back of her dress a final time and walked away as a couple of the guys watching whistled. Although he had been ready to punch the religious fanatic for calling his girlfriend a "whore", Mike was dumbfounded by the viciousness with which she laid into both him and the heroes of his faith. He also was alarmed by the public spectacle that she had created. She normally was quiet and shy, but she had shown she was volatile and could explode into blind rage if triggered. Being insulted in the name of a religion was just such a trigger. Her loathing of religious people was an integral part of her character, a mass of molten lava boiling just beneath a quiet surface that could erupt in a massive explosion at any moment. The moment a religious person passed judgment on her or attempted to control her behavior, she erupted and had no control over her actions. Mike had to admit she certainly knew her stuff when it came to Christianity, because she easily matched the preacher point for point and passage for passage. She had not wanted a logical argument, however; what she wanted to do was ruin the man's day as much as possible. As they walked away, it seemed that she had achieved that desire. Her attack apparently had set off some of the other spectators, because after they left Mike could hear a couple of people taunting and jeering at the preacher. One of the guys watching had followed Ruthie's example and was mooning him. Ruthie's volcanic eruption passed as quickly as it started. She became shy and quiet again and hugged Mike for reassurance. Suddenly she was ashamed and embarrassed by how she had behaved, but obviously what was done could not be undone. As he held her in his arms, Mike could feel that she was trembling from emotion and needed to be given time and patience to calm down. It was just as well that for the moment he didn't need to say anything, because he needed a chance to calm down as well. Not only was he trying to think of something to say to her, but he also was trying to figure out what had just happened, why she seemed to have lost her sanity for a couple of minutes. He knew that there were two major issues in her life: feeling repressed by religion during her years as a teenager, and the constant stress she was under living with Shannon. She had no outlet for all that emotion, so it exploded all at once towards a total stranger. Mike had an observation: "Ruthie, I think that if you're gonna get so pissed off, why waste it on some loser you don't know? How come you don't take it out on Shannon? She's the one who needs it. I'd bet if you'd do to her what you just did to that guy in the park, it'd shut her up." "I don't know...I wish I could...but it's like...I can't control my temper....I blow...and it's always at the wrong time...when it doesn't do any good...and then I'm all quiet when I ought to speak up." Ruthie took a deep breath. "I 'spose you're totally weirded-out by what just happened." Mmmm...kind of...but he did have it coming...and...in the end...maybe it worked out for the best. I was gonna punch that guy...you know, for calling you a whore...and then he would've gotten me on assault. I guess...in a way...you kinda saved my ass." She hugged him and with that they returned to campus. ---------- When they returned to Mike's room, the couple was faced with a more trivial dilemma: what to wear for Halloween. Because they already knew they were planning to participate in the midnight streaking tradition, they knew that they needed simple costumes that would be easy to take off. As they went to dinner in Watson Hall, Mike saw that the dorm had thrown out an old artificial plant and its pieces were sitting in a trash can near the cafeteria. The plant had large plastic leaves, which gave Mike an idea for a very daring outfit. He pulled off the leaves from the stem and tossed what was left back in the trash can. He held up the leaves to Ruthie and commented: "This is gonna be our outfit for Halloween." "Plastic leaves?" "Yes. I have an idea. I think you're gonna like it." When they returned to his room, Mike dug through his desk to retrieve a hole-punch and a roll of string. He punched holes in three of the leaves and then cut a piece of string long enough to be tied around his waist. He put the three plastic leaves on the string. Then, in full view of Ruthie, he stripped and put the string around himself. He tied it and moved the leaves to the front to cover his penis. He blushed, not sure what she'd think, but commented: "I'm gonna be Adam tonight. What do you think?" "I like it." "So... you ready to be Eve?" Ruthie blushed, but nodded. "OK...I'll do your bottom part first." Mike punched holes in three more plastic leaves and strung them. Her heart pounding, Ruthie took off her dress and allowed him to tie the string around her waist. Once she was covered in the front, Mike had to figure out how to arrange additional leaves to cover her breasts. Finally, after several tries, he tied a string around her chest, just under her breasts, with a leaf covering each breast. He then looped another string around the back of her neck and tied it to the stems of the leaves to hold them in place. It was not perfect, because if she moved around too much the leaves fell out of place, but it was easy for her to simply push them back. "You don't think we'll get arrested?" "No, not on Halloween. The cops kinda expect this...it's sort of like Mardi Gras. They won't hassle us unless somebody complains, and then all they'd do would be warn us and tell us to get dressed. Anyhow, we'll go over in shirts and take 'em off when we get there." Ruthie looked at herself in the mirror. She loved Mike's idea and how she looked in her leaf outfit. She hugged him. He caressed her naked back, and then, for the first time, lowered his hands to her hips. He ran his fingertips up and down the outer part of her bare bottom. She did not object. As much as he wanted to seriously fondle the inner part of her butt...to slip his hand between her bottom cheeks and feel the sweaty skin at the base of her backside, he figured it was best to hold off. She was allowing him to touch her bottom as it was, which was more than he ever had done with her. Mike picked two very worn-out shirts for himself and Ruthie. He knew that the Student Center was a chaotic place on Halloween and there was a very good chance that once they took off the shirts, they'd never find them again, and that was something he did not want to worry about. The students put the shirts over their string outfits and set off for the Student Center. They looked very comical, walking with their bare legs sticking out from under their shirts, leaving passers-by to wonder what, if anything, they were wearing underneath. When they arrived in the central part of campus, they were surrounded by other students in every type of Halloween outfit imaginable. For the most part the student costumes went for horror and gore, but there were others who were wearing costumes from movies and TV shows, ranging from Star Trek to the ever-popular Rocky Horror Picture show. A few revelers were dressed in sexy outfits such as Carnival costumes. A couple of women were topless, but no one was fully naked. Mike and Ruthie kissed each other and pulled off their shirts. They immediately got whistles and applause from some of the other party-goers. They were somewhat covered in the front, but in the back they were completely nude, without even a thong to cover their bottoms. Mike swallowed, because at that moment he realized that his outfit idea was more daring than he had imagined it would be, and that he and Ruthie were the most unclothed people at the Halloween celebration. Ruthie was thoroughly enjoying herself. Except for going to the beach a few times, she had never been naked in front of strangers, and certainly not the only naked person in a large crowd that was mostly clothed. The plastic leaves rubbing her breasts and pelvis made her all that much more aware that in the back she was not covered at all. Her bottom received plenty of stares...as did Mike's bare behind. She noticed several people, both men and women, staring as hard at Mike as guys were staring at her. She took his arm to let everyone know that both she and he were taken...the others could look, but not touch. There was so much going on that the novelty of Adam and Eve quickly wore off. The most interesting moment was when a middle-aged woman dressed in a witch's dress snuck up behind Mike and startled him with a very hard slap to the bottom. Mike blushed, because the woman was one of his co-workers...the dispatcher, no less. She asked Ruthie to take a picture of her with Mike, and then another passer-by to take a picture of the three of them together. Mike found out that his co-worker had a mean streak in her, because as the three took their positions in front of the camera, he felt her hand fondling his bottom. He forced a smile, but knew better than to say anything. Better to let her have her thrill...but of course from that point forward he'd have to deal with her sarcastic smile every time he checked out his ticketing machine. Hopefully it was just one secret out of many that she planned to keep... Mike and Ruthie ran into other classmates, all of whom were surprised and impressed that they would show up to the Halloween party in such daring costumes. At 10:00 the university's homecoming queen stood at the microphone and ordered everyone to be quiet. A couple of student officers took her place and announced that they were planning to pass out awards for the best costume in five categories: most original, most scary, most sexy, funniest, and most obnoxious. Most original went to a horror theme outfit (no surprise) as did most scary. But then Mike and Ruthie heard: "For the sexiest outfit...this year we've got a couple." The student officer looked directly at Mike and Ruthie: "Adam and Eve...please come up here!" Blushing furiously, the two nearly naked students made their way to the podium to take their prize as the crowd cheered, whooped, and whistled. They were awarded with something that was actually useful: a $ 200 gift certificate for the campus bookstore. Holding hands, they looked nervously around the room as cameras flashed wildly at their exposed bodies. Mike noticed that his co-worker was right up front with a camera. He took a deep breath, knowing that most definitely the story was going to make its rounds through the parking department the following week. Anyhow, because they were prize winners, most likely their picture would appear in the campus newspaper the following week. Once the prizes were awarded, there was a live DJ who announced that everyone was going to party until midnight. What that meant was dancing and general socializing. The evening turned out to be much wilder than the couple had anticipated, which put them in strange mood. Mike knew that everyone would see him very differently the following week, that there was a part of him that no one had known about. He could still feel the faint tingle on his bottom where his co-worker had smacked him. He no longer felt embarrassed about it; he found it very erotic. Ruthie simply was ready to "get naked". When the plastic leaves chaffed her breasts, she decided to take off her top. What the hell? It was coming off at midnight anyway...why not have it off now and be more comfortable? She kissed Mike and her bare breasts touched his naked chest for the first time. Neither Mike nor Ruthie was any good at dancing, but their lack of dance talent did not matter in the least. They were thoroughly enjoying themselves. Mike awkwardly spun Ruthie, only to have her fall laughing into his arms. The surrounding crowd cheered them on, clapping and chanting "Adam and Eve!...Adam and Eve!...Adam and Eve!" Finally the DJ announced it was almost midnight. "OK...all you freaks! Let's show Davenport what you've got! Let's get NAKED!!!!" A cheer went up from the crowd. Mike and Ruthie were among the first to be totally nude, because all they had to do was untie the strings around their waists. A simple pull of a bow-knot, and the plastic leaves flopped to the ground. About half of the other students stripped, some completely and some just to their underwear. Mike and Ruthie kissed one final time before running outside with the others. Cheering and whooping, about 200 naked and partially dressed students ran in a circle around the dean's house (conveniently, he was out of town that weekend), then back to Central Campus and around the main fountain. Part of the tradition was for anyone who was completely nude to jump in. That year, as a practical joke, a fraternity had dropped several large blocks of ice in the water to give anyone who jumped in a chilling surprise. Mike and Ruthie noticed several students shrieking and scrambling out as soon as they jumped or were tossed in. Mike put his hand in the water, only to notice it was ice cold. He warned Ruthie, but she responded: "It's a tradition to jump in though, right?" "Well, yeah...but..." Ruthie kicked off her shoes and stepped in. She closed her eyes and worked up the nerve to lower herself into the frigid water. She dipped down, immersing herself up to her chest and immediately stood up. Before she got out, she posed for several pictures. By the time Ruthie got out of the fountain, the streakers already were starting to go back inside and get dressed. Mike and Ruthie went back into the Student Center as well, but they need not have bothered. Their leaf-outfits were missing, as were the shirts they had worn over. Mike was not surprised. The leaf outfits had caused a sensation and had won them a prize, so it was not surprising that someone swiped them. The shirts were gone as well, which meant that Mike and Ruthie would have to streak back to his dorm. "Let's get out of here before everyone is dressed." Mike knew that there would be less trouble for them if they ran out of central campus while there were at least a couple of other naked students still milling about. Ruthie followed him past the campus library towards the academic buildings. As they got further from the Student Center, they also got further away from the part of campus where the yearly streak was unofficially tolerated. If they were caught in the nude among the academic buildings, it was possible they'd get arrested. Mike kept in the shadows, peeked around corners, and signaled to Ruthie when it was safe to dash to the next building. The challenge and danger made the final part of the evening very exciting for Ruthie. This was a real adventure for her, something that she had not experienced since she had streaked her apartment complex. What made the adventure even more special was sharing with the person she most cared about. As she watched Mike run ahead of her, crouching in the darkness and signaling that it was safe for her to catch up with him, she felt that he was the one person she could truly love. He understood her...and even now was giving her one of the most fun experiences she had ever had in her life. Yes...fun! She was actually having fun! She was enjoying herself! All too soon Mike led her to the open field that separated the dorms from the academic area. He told her to crouch in the darkness and then jog with him to the other side. Then they would need to cross the street as fast as they could towards some parked cars on the other side. Unfortunately from that point forward everything was well-lit, so they'd have to run non-stop after they crossed the street. They jogged across the dark grass, and crouched down one final time while Mike tried to see if anyone was around. He patted her on the butt and whispered: "Go!" By the time they got to Mike's dorm they were totally winded, but the danger of getting arrested was almost over with. Leaving her crouching in the darkness, he calmly walked up to the front door and buzzed the night attendant. He told the guy the truth: that he had gone to the Halloween streak and his clothes were stolen. Fortunately the night attendant knew Mike and had nothing against him, so he directed the resident to a side door and buzzed him in. The only part of the streak remaining was a nude run down the hallway. The night clerk kept watch for the couple, and directed them to cross when the corridor was empty. No point in having Mike's neighbors whooping while he and his girlfriend ran nude down his hallway. And that was it for Halloween. Ruthie was elated: that was the best time she had enjoyed...since...maybe since she was born. That was fun! She kissed him and pressed her body against his. When she felt his penis stiffening, she gently stroked it. "You're OK...you know with...? She nodded. Mike put on a condom. He kissed her and touched her vulva. He noted that she was not wet at all; in spite of how she was acting she did not seem in the least aroused...and yet it clear was she was trying. The Outsider Ch. 11 Ruthie's mood went from elation to despair. No...she was not aroused. After such a great evening of erotic adventure she had expected to be excited, but her body simply was not cooperating with what her mind wanted it to do. Come on...for Mike...please...he deserves it...but...nothing... Finally she gave up on herself. She felt that she owed him sex; that he deserved to have that part of the relationship fulfilled. She did as well...but maybe it would come later...for her it would not be that night. She hugged him. "Mike...I...just go ahead...it'll be OK." "You're sure?" "Yeah...Sometimes it takes me a couple of minutes to get going...you know...It's OK..." With that, she lay on the spare bed and spread her legs. Mike pushed his reservations aside and joined her. The condom he was wearing was lubricated, so he was able to enter her, although with some difficulty and much discomfort for her. She kissed him, because she did not want him to see that the only thing she was feeling at the moment was discomfort. He thrust vigorously, and finally she could tell he was pumping semen into the condom. She felt nothing but relief that it was over as he slowed down and his penis went limp. She continued holding him close, because she did not want him to see her face. "Was that good for you?" "Yeah...it was fine, Mike..." she lied. Actually her vagina felt raw and was aching. ---------- A few minutes later they cleaned up from the exertions of a night of dancing, streaking, and sex. When they returned to his room they cuddled together in Mike's bed. She lay next to him with her head resting in his armpit. She caressed his stomach until she was convinced he was asleep. As soon as his breathing changed, tears rolled down her face. For a year and a half she had wondered whether or not she was capable of enjoying sex. She could climax just fine while masturbating, but as for sex itself, she had nothing but bad memories. It had been awful the first time...that first relationship during her junior year in high school. She made love, but felt absolutely nothing except disgust and discomfort. Well, the first guy had been a total POS (piece of shit) so she figured that it must have been because she hated him. Now she had made love to another man...the second man in her life. This time everything had been different...no "cherry to pop", no desperate fear of being discovered, no fear of getting pregnant, and most of all...the man who made had just made love to her was one she cared about. None of that mattered. Sex with Mike was just as awful as it had been during those squalid nights she spent with that POS. After a year and a half she got her answer...but it was not the answer she wanted. The Outsider Ch. 12 Chapter 12 – November The next day Mike was awake as soon as it was light outside. He was careful not to wake up Ruthie as he got out of his bed, cleaned up, and settled at his computer to work on his term paper. He felt better than he had felt in a year, convinced that he now was in a solid relationship with the girl in his bed. Whatever her faults, she loved him and was a person worthy of his love. As far as he was concerned their relationship was sealed the night before, when she had given herself to him. Surely that was just the beginning...and there was hope after all...for both her and for him. Mike looked back at his sleeping lover. He thought to himself: Ruthie...maybe your life has sucked up to now...but I'll make sure that's over with. I'll give you a life that's worth living... ---------- Ruthie woke up about an hour after Mike was up. Already the room was bright with morning sunlight. She was still aching...and still depressed about the let-down the night before. Poor Mike, she thought to herself...what am I gonna tell him? She spent several minutes lying in bed and watching her companion as he worked on his paper. She mulled over what to say to him. At first she wanted to tell him what had happened a few hours before; that she had found out that there was a very important part of their relationship that she would be incapable of giving him. However, second thoughts entered her mind about that idea. Was it really necessary to tell him...about that...or about anything at all? Why? What for? What good was it going to do either of them? What was she going to get out of being honest, apart from ending up alone again? She felt that if she were honest about something as important as sex to any guy, he'd say "screw that" and would want her out of his life. Probably she'd have to pack up her things and go back...by herself...and with her hands full of bags...to her room. Then she would have to deal with Shannon. Undoubtedly Shannon would figure out what had happened, and she and her friends would celebrate Ruthie's misfortune. She'd never hear the end of it. No...there was no point in humiliating herself like that. Ruthie's thoughts returned to Mike. He really was a decent guy...he did deserve the truth...or...did he? Maybe it would be better just to play along...let him think everything was fine...enjoy his companionship...try to have fun with him. Maybe sex was less important...maybe what really mattered was the friendship she was developing with him. Perhaps she could explain later...or maybe...after a couple of times...the problem would fix itself on its own. Ruthie then thought about Dr. Hartman...maybe the counselor could come up with an idea or a suggestion... Ruthie's mind filled with a few possibilities and options. She still felt the situation with the sexual part of their relationship was not tolerable as it stood at the moment, but she no longer was convinced that she had to deal with it immediately and risk losing her friendship with Mike over that one issue. She'd wait...and then she'd figure something out. Ruthie could not have realized it at the time, but her two weeks with Mike already had changed her. For the first time her reaction to a disappointment was not to sink into depression and despair, but rather to try to think of what options she might have to address or fix the problem. She came up with a tentative plan for the following week: not say anything to Mike, wait and see how things with him developed, and then talk to Dr. Hartman. Beyond that she did not have any further ideas, but if she could make it to the next meeting with her counselor, she could see where she needed to go from there. ---------- The two students spent the morning with their coursework. Mike continued to work on his research project while Ruthie lay in bed catching up on her reading. She studied for two mid-terms, but she knew what she really needed to do was finish the term paper she had been working on the previous week. She glanced longingly at Mike's computer, thinking about how nice it would be if she had her own computer in the room as well. That way she would not have to try to work on the project with Shannon's constant disruptions. Given that she would have Mike's room to herself over the next week, she figured that bringing over her computer might not be a bad idea. The thought of sitting quietly throughout the entire afternoon with her clothes off, right next to the window, peacefully typing...really appealed to her. Ruthie's mind raced with the idea that Mike's room beckoned with a six-hour block of total silence every afternoon. She really did not see how she could avoid moving the computer, because over the next month she had to work on her term papers and her roommate was making that task almost impossible. Shannon delighted in having her music going or having her friends over while Ruthie was on her computer. A favorite trick was to chat incessantly on her cell phone while looking over Ruthie's shoulder to see what she was doing and make her nervous. Ruthie was not worried about how Mike might react to having to keep her computer in his room. She knew that he was in love with her, so she took it for granted that if she needed something, he would give it too her if at all possible. The only doubt she had was for her own situation, the possible loss of independence that having her things in Mike's living area would entail. Already the relationship had gone much further than she had anticipated or wanted. Very quickly she had become dependent on him for just about everything imaginable, from companionship to transportation to entertainment to protection from humiliation. Now she was going to have to deepen that dependency by moving yet more of her stuff into his living space. Another idea that never occurred to Ruthie was to put her work on a flash drive and ask to borrow his computer in the afternoons. In some ways she was very territorial: she would not want anyone using her computer, so she took it for granted that Mike's computer was off-limits to anyone other than himself. Although most people would have considered her borrowing his computer less of an imposition than bringing over her own, that was not how Ruthie saw the situation. ---------- Seeing Ruthie studying naked on the spare bed for several hours aroused Mike as the morning went by. She was lying on her back, with her legs spread and her vulva on display. Finally, the temptation was too much for him. He lay down next to her and began kissing her. At that moment the last thing in the world Ruthie wanted was to have to deal with him going inside her a second time in less than 12 hours, but she was not about to say anything or reject his advances. She felt that she had absolutely nothing to offer him, so the very least she could do was allow him to do what he wanted with her body. As his hands caressed her bottom and breasts, she worked up the nerve to let him enter her. The second time was no better than the first, but at least she was psychologically ready and there was no let-down to spoil her mood. When they went to lunch, Ruthie winced from the soreness as they walked to Watson Hall. Mike could tell that she was stressed, but still was oblivious about the reason. Several times he asked her what was wrong...but she was afraid to answer. Mike thoughts filled with fear that perhaps she already was getting bored with him. Ruthie's moody silence reminded him of Lisa's behavior the year before during the weeks that preceded their break-up. When they sat down, he asked her again. Ruthie blushed...and was just about to tell him...when she noticed Shannon coming into the cafeteria with some of her friends. Then she remembered her computer...and realized if she and Mike left the cafeteria before Shannon and her group finished their lunch; that would be a perfect opportunity for them to get the computer out of the room without having any contact with super-bitch at all. Ruthie began eating quickly. "Mike...I...kinda...uh...got a problem...you know...I...maybe...like...you can help me?" "Well, yeah. I'll help you. What is it?" "I was like...uh...wondering if I could...you know...like...take my computer over to your place...'cause....I kinda...need to work on some term papers...and uh...you know...Shannon's been giving me shit...and I gotta concentrate...and you know...Shannon...I can't concentrate with her..." "You want to keep your computer in my room?" Ruthie blushed and nodded. Mike thought about what her request meant. Another imposition, but it also was another sign that she was serious about being with him. He was hugely relieved that his suspicion about her being bored with him was mistaken. Great! The moody silence had nothing to do with him at all, it was about her computer. If that was all it was...sure...he'd help her move her computer... Ruthie finished her meal immediately, forcing Mike to eat a lot faster than he wanted. A few minutes later the two students were in Ruthie's room unplugging her computer and putting the pieces in a large box. Ruthie collected her disks and some CD's. She carried the keyboard, mouse, and a bag of software and cords, while Mike struggled with the bulky CPU and oversized TV-style monitor. A twinge of resentment and doubt ran through his mind as he lugged her heavy antiquated equipment. She walked beside him carrying bags of much lighter items. Anyhow, a few minutes later it was done, Ruthie's computer was safely sitting on the desk vacated by Todd. She looked on while Mike reconnected the components. The afternoon was warm enough that Mike figured they could go to the beach. They both were in the mood to walk as well, which meant that Bonnie Doon was not a good option. Mike decided to fulfill his promise to take Ruthie to San Gregorio beach, which was about a 40-minute drive to the north of Davenport. For a naturist who wants to walk along the shore, it is unlikely that there is a better beach in the US than San Gregorio. The nude section starts just below the stairs leading from the north parking lot and extends more than a mile along undeveloped cliffs. At the far end of the clothing optional section there is rock formation with a cave through which an adventurous person can go through during low tide. Since neither Mike nor Ruthie were the sort who liked to just lay on a towel, San Gregorio suited their desire to walk unencumbered by clothes. Over the years beachgoers constructed driftwood shelters at the foot of the cliffs. Mike pointed out an empty shelter and suggested it as a place to leave their belongings. They undressed and walked towards the north. Ruthie, in her usual state of wanting to share what she knew about her surroundings with her companion, stopped to dig up several crustaceans buried in the sand to show to Mike, and then pointed out several species of birds. When they got to the end of the beach, the tide was low enough that they could go through a cave that led through a rock formation to yet another beach. They wandered halfway down the second beach before a woman yelled at them. Suddenly they realized that several houses overlooked the area they had ventured into and it was not clothing optional. They scrambled back to the cave, only to have a very close call being stranded, because the tide was starting to come back in. Had they waited even a couple more minutes, the waves splashing through the opening would have made getting back to the nude section of the beach impossible. After laughing over the close call, Ruthie experienced true joy because the beach was so open and she could walk uninterrupted. She was almost like a child, wandering up and down, exploring the cliffs and then running towards the water and rinsing herself off in the surf. On that day she was very restless and walked the full length of the nude portion six times, wearing out the soles of her feet on the wet sand. Mike tagged along with her, taking dozens of photos. She posed, danced, and splashed in the cold water for the benefit of his camera. ---------- The weather changed the following day and during the rest of the week the entire coast of central California was fogged in and cloudy. For Ruthie the timing couldn't have been better. She was able to relax in Mike's room after lunch before spending the quiet gray afternoons working on her term papers or catching up on her sleep. She still preferred to sleep at night in her own room if possible, but once her computer was moved, she did everything else is Mike's room. By the beginning of November, she and Shannon quit talking completely. Because Ruthie had moved anything she felt was sensitive, she no longer was concerned about super-bitch messing with her personal stuff. She still had some old clothes in the room, but what could Shannon do to old clothes? The items that really mattered, her computer, pictures and study materials, were out of Shannon's reach. Ruthie no longer made any pretense of being civil to her nemesis, because she no longer had anything to worry about in the room. ---------- Ruthie had her third appointment with Dr. Hartman on Wednesday. They had a lot to discuss. Hartman was very worried about Ruthie's sudden dependence on Mike for just about every need that she had, no matter how mundane. Especially worrisome to the counselor was the fact that her client had transferred everything that was important to her to her boyfriend's room. For one thing, Hartman pointed out that the arrangement was a violation of campus policy. Ruthie snapped back: "Everything that Shannon's doing to me is a violation of policy, Dr. Hartman. If you don't like what I'm doing, how come you don't talk to her? She's the one who's making me do it! She's the one who's turning my life into shit! How come no one ever says anything to her?" Of course, Hartman's solution for any conflict that one of her clients had with another person was to "talk about it", which was what she wanted Ruthie to do with Shannon. Well, that was totally impossible, responded Ruthie, because Shannon was a vicious bully and talking to a person like that did no good. Eventually, regardless whose fault it was, Hartman was persuaded that Ruthie's problems with Shannon were not resolvable. She suggested that Ruthie change roommates at the end of the semester. "Put in the request, and I will send a note to the housing director to back you up. I'm thinking the best way to resolve this conflict is for you to change rooms." Dr. Hartman returned to the subject of Mike. "I don't like what you're doing with him, keeping all your stuff there. You've known him for three weeks. Three weeks, Ruthie. You can't impose yourself on a partner in such a short time. I'm telling you, it's going to cause both of you problems." Ruthie brushed off Dr. Hartman's reservations about Mike's personal space. She changed the subject and focused on the issue that concerned her: the difficulty she was having with the sexual portion of their relationship. She described what happened Halloween night and what happened the following day; that she was not able to get aroused and that sexual intercourse was unpleasant to the point of actually being painful. She insisted that she had to go through with love-making however, because sex was the only way that she could reward Mike for everything that he had done for her. Upon hearing that, the counselor's mind filled with red flags. Hartman struggled with what to tell her client, because her counseling experience and training told her that what Ruthie needed to do was back off, get her stuff out of Mike's room, and seriously tell him about her doubts. However, she knew there was no way that Ruthie could follow or would follow such advice, because her situation with Shannon was so awful. The only thing Hartman could do was to try to ease Ruthie's immediate dilemma with sexual intercourse. She asked her client what she knew about sexual aids such as lubrication. Ruthie responded that she knew nothing, because Mike was only the second man with whom she had ever made love. Hartman wrote a prescription and handed it to Ruthie. "This is for some vaginal lubricant. Make sure you follow the instructions. It'll help you when you're with your boyfriend. But please remember this is not a solution for your problem. All it's going to do is cover it up for a little bit and buy you some time. I'm telling you, I really have my doubts about what you're doing. You're going to have talk to Mike, because right now you're being unfair to both him and to yourself." Ruthie left Hartman's office and turned in the prescription to the pharmacist. She was glad that Hartman had given her something practical to deal with her immediate problem, but she also was resentful over the counselor's criticism of her overall relationship. It seemed that Hartman did not understand what a living hell dealing with Shannon had become and that Mike was her only outlet. Ruthie's resentment against Hartman was misplaced. The counselor saw Shannon as a complicated but short-term issue. She knew that within two months Ruthie would be with another roommate, or possibly in a room by herself. Once the pressure of Shannon was removed, then her client would have to deal with having created a problematic relationship with her boyfriend that risked serious psychological dependency. ---------- That night Ruthie was very glad to have the lubricant, because Mike approached her about sex. They had not made love since Sunday. Mike had waited through Monday and Tuesday, hoping that she would be the one to initiate something. He was disappointed that she never hinted at wanting sex. Finally on Wednesday he returned from work and saw her studying naked on his bed. He took off his clothes and joined her; his own desires pushing him to kiss and caress her bare body. She knew what was coming, but for their third time in bed she was ready. She explained that she had a problem with sensitivity in her vagina and that she needed the lubrication to "really give both of us what we need". Mike, not knowing any better, believed her. He allowed her to put the gel in herself and then to dab some on the end of his penis. When he entered her, she felt hugely relieved. The discomfort from his thrusts was not much of a problem with the lubricant. Because he was able to go in deeper and move about more, Mike found the third time with her more enjoyable than the first two rounds of sex over the weekend. It was much easier for her to pretend that she was enjoying it as well. When he pulled out of her, Ruthie kissed him, very happy that she had been able to give him what he needed without too much sacrifice on her part. Sex with him was never going to be something she would look forward to, but at least her "duty" to him was not something she had to dread. ---------- In spite of her problem with the lack of sexual desire, Ruthie's life became much more balanced over the first weeks in November. She had her work in the morning, her meals with Mike, and her classes and study time in the afternoons. On the weekends they visited places outside Davenport. Ruthie loved San Gregorio beach, but only once during November was the weather nice enough to go back a second time. As much as they wanted to go back to more than that, it was getting too late in the year and the cold fog along the shore forced them to find diversion inland. They traveled to see a small patch of redwood forest near Santa Cruz, and the following weekend they visited Pinnacles National Monument, the extinct 23-million year-old volcano that Ruthie had talked about. She spent a lot of their time talking about the natural conditions that had created the places they were visiting, which gave her the chance to discuss everything that she had studied in high school or was learning in her college classes. The Outsider Ch. 12 During November, Ruthie's trust of Mike led her to "be herself" around him in a very unique way. Whenever possible, she took off her clothes in his presence. If they were on an isolated hiking trail, she loved to strip to her shoes and walk naked. If they heard someone coming, Mike handed her an over-sized t-shirt to put on. Once the other person had passed, she took off her shirt and handed it back to him. It was not just on the hiking trails that Ruthie liked to strip. Depending on where they were driving, she often rode naked in his car, especially if they were driving along the coastal highway or a county road towards a hiking trail. If they entered a town, she'd put on a shirt, but remained bottomless. She enjoyed the daring feeling of being naked from the waist down and having hundreds of people milling about the car, totally unaware of her lack of attire. Ruthie enjoyed having her picture taken, so by the end of the month Mike had hundreds of pictures of his girlfriend stored on his hard drive. Because she was usually naked when they were together, the vast majority of the images were figure shots. Ruthie loved posing nude in front of well-known monuments, so Mike's collection included numerous pictures of her bare body in front of local landmarks, to include the Santa Cruz surfer statue and the giant artichoke. ---------- Mike had to deal with some gossip and questions when he returned to work the first Monday after Halloween, but the jokes were not as bad as he anticipated. It seemed that his co-workers were as interested in knowing about his girlfriend as they were in commenting about his Adam costume. A couple of the guys were openly envious that Mike had landed a partner who was very attractive and very adventurous. The dispatcher smiled sarcastically and nicknamed him "sweet buns", but never hinted to anyone else why she called him that. True to her nature, she kept what she did to him a secret, although Mike suspected that she'd love nothing more than to give his bare bottom another grope. There was a beginning-of-the-month meeting at the start of Mike's Monday shift. The entire department was dumbfounded by the sheer number of tickets he had written during October. The supervisor forced him to stand up and tell his co-workers how he had written so many tickets. Once he was finished explaining the situation in lot Econ-A, the supervisor took over and admonished the other students: "You see, people...it's not about the 'fun' tickets. Not everything you write has to be for a fire-lane or handicap violation. There's meters out there...lots of them...and you all need to start paying attention to them. Mike here has shown how much damage one dedicated guy with a machine can do. So let's do it, people...let's get out there and do some damage!" The other student employees reluctantly applauded, but Mike could tell they were not pleased that he made everyone else look bad. Not that it mattered, because his October performance put Officer # 036 at the top of the list for a promotion the following semester. ---------- As he patrolled lot Econ-A with his ticketing machine, Mike spent many hours in solitary thought. His desire to listen to music faded during the weeks after he started going out with Ruthie. His no longer needed to block out his own memories now that he had someone on whom he could focus his attention and affection. Instead he wandered in silence, sometimes allowing his thoughts to drift aimlessly and sometimes trying to figure out the odd girl who had entered his life...and everything that went with her...her almost psychotic loathing of religion, her fascination with being naked as much as possible, a personality that was simultaneously shy and exhibitionistic, her strong opinions, and her strange mood swings. Yes, she was weird, but to him she was a small bright spot in a bleak world occupied and run by people like the ones who had put his father out of work, or like the jerks that he was confronting every day in the parking lots. Still, he knew that something was not quite right about her. She had her quirks, to say the least. Above everything else was her desire to constantly talk, which was a result of her need to put into words everything that was going on in her life. He suspected that she might have a learning disability, because never did she pick up a new concept without being given a detailed explanation. She took everything literally and step-by-step, so her understanding of a new topic was only as good as the instructions that described it. Because she could only comprehend what was carefully explained to her, she assumed that other people needed detailed explanations as well. Not that it really mattered with Mike, because he was content to let her talk as much as she wanted. Yes, she was overly chatty, but she spoke from the heart and always was ready to give him a quick hug or an impromptu kiss. Mike knew that his willingness to let his girlfriend talk freely was a huge help to her. Around him she chatted incessantly about everything imaginable, from class topics to "crazy ideas". He provided her with a crucial outlet for the swirl of thoughts and feelings floating around her head. His willingness to listen also gave her a very important opportunity to test what she had to say. If she said anything too outlandish he could warn her before she said it to anyone else. If he didn't understand her meaning or thought the way she said something was potentially offensive, he flatly told her, giving her the chance to rephrase a statement. Over time he became more blunt and honest about his observations, but always with the goal of making sure she expressed herself in a way that conveyed what she actually wanted to say. There were other issues that Mike couldn't help her with. As for body language, for example...forget it! He remembered reading some articles that claimed that most human communication was through body language and non-verbal clues, and that at best conversation and words accounted for 30 percent of real communication. Well, with Ruthie Burns none of that applied. With her there was no body language at all. She fidgeted more if she was nervous or upset, but that was as close to communicating with her body as she could get. She did not pick up other people's expressions or changes in posture. She did not pick up on sarcasm unless it was really obvious, and then she'd become hostile if she thought she was being made fun of. Eye contact was another on-going issue for Ruthie. When she was looking at people or knew they were looking at her, it was much harder for her to focus on a conversation than if she was standing or sitting next to someone and looking forward. For that reason, she talked much more comfortably while sitting in a car, or strolling through Santa Cruz, or standing at a look-out, or on a hiking trail than she did at a dinner table. Eventually Mike learned that if he wanted to converse with her during a meal, it was much better to sit next to her than to sit across from her. ---------- At the end of the second week of November there was a positive event that boosted Ruthie's overall mood and helped her push aside the doubts about Mike that she had taken out of Dr. Hartman's office. On Friday morning she got a call from the campus police telling her that they had arrested the bicyclist that ran into her back in October. The investigating officer needed her to come in to verify her picture. The cop showed her six mug-shots of young blond women and asked her to pick out the one who had hit her. Ruthie easily recognized the assailant. The cops told her what was going to happen next would be that, unless she took a plea bargain, the bicyclist would face trial and Ruthie might have to testify. However, as the cop put it: "We've negotiated with her attorney and probably what's gonna happen is she'll plea out. I already had a little talk with her and gave her a pretty good scare. If she pleas, she'll pay your medical bills and replace your books, and have to do some community service over Christmas break. She'll have a criminal conviction on her record, but right now she's worried more about jail time than anything else." Ruthie nodded, not knowing how to respond. The cop smiled and concluded with: "We also impounded her bicycle. If she wants it back, she'll have to bid on it at auction." It was the detail about the bicycle that put Ruthie in a much better mood. Yes, she would have liked to have seen her assailant go to jail, but she was satisfied that losing her precious ride was an adequate punishment for what she had done. That night Mike took her out to dinner to celebrate. Ruthie's feelings of gratitude towards him intensified, because it turned out he had been totally right about filing the police report. Because of him, for the very first time in her life Ruthie Burns got even with someone who had hurt her. The Outsider Ch. 13 Chapter 13 - Doña Lisette The middle of November came and went. Mike and Ruthie turned in term papers and started new ones, took and passed all their midterms, and prepared for the final round of tests and projects for the end of the semester. When they had work to do on their computers, they quietly worked in Mike's room. However, they often had to go to the library for different projects, especially if they needed to look up information in the periodicals section, where a lot of older material that had not yet been posted on the Internet was still bound in dusty volumes. Both Mike and Ruthie had to laboriously pick through the volumes, because he had to look at some very old political science articles and she had to search for literature reviews. It was a strange experience for both of them, to look at material that was 40 or 50 years old, in publications that had gone out of business long ago. The volumes were relics of an era that only recently had passed into memory, an era killed by the Internet and electronic storage of information. On November 15th Ruthie resumed her naked escapades in the library basement. On that night she and Mike carried their volumes to the study area and stacked them on one of the spare tables. It was only about 10:00, but no one else was in the room. He commented that the tables had cleared out a bit early. He remembered Ruthie's confession about studying nude and was hoping that night she might want to strip for the last couple of hours they were in the library. "Just to let you know...my offer to play look-out for you still stands." Ruthie took the hint and kissed him. She pulled down her shorts and took off her shirt. She covered the chair with her shirt and sat down. Although she was able to study just fine, Mike found it very hard to concentrate with the thought of his naked girlfriend sitting only a few feet from him. He badly wanted to strip as well, but was afraid that it would be harder for him to quickly put on his clothes if anyone exited the elevator. For Ruthie it would be easy because all she had to do was slip on her shorts and shirt; she did not have to worry about buttons or zippers. When she went to look for books or put volumes away, he went with her, carrying her clothes and standing between her and the elevator. There was much less risk than there had been when she was alone. The challenge of her naked study time was gone, but so was the fear. She could simply enjoy the feeling of being naked in the basement, under the protection of the guy who loved her. From that day forward Ruthie continued her habit of being naked in the library. With Mike to keep an eye out for her, she expanded the time she could spend in the nude, and also experimented with some new areas within the library. The third floor offered another place where it was possible to search for books in the nude, but it was somewhat more trafficked and she would not have been able to safely streak that floor had she not had Mike to help her and keep her clothes handy. Even with him helping her, there were a couple of close calls. By the end of the month she decided that it would be better to stick with the basement. ---------- As the semester progressed, the two students put in their time at their respective jobs and earned salaries that were totally inadequate for their needs and expenses. Even so, from a financial perspective they were luckier than many of their classmates. Most of Mike's expenses were covered by his father's final round of mortgage loans and Ruthie's expenses were covered by several grants. They both knew that their financial support, although adequate for the moment, was fragile, precarious, and could vanish at any moment. The uncertainty was especially true for Ruthie, because she was going to school on state grants that were very likely to be cut from the California education budget the following fiscal year. On the third Monday of November Ruthie showed up to work at 5:00 am as usual, but when she arrived it was clear that there was nothing usual about what was going to happen that day. The campus manager, the district manager, and two auditors were waiting for her. For the next two hours they looked at her cash drawer and conducted an audit of her transactions. By 7:00 it was determined that her audit trail balanced and that the money in her cash drawer was what needed to be there; nothing more and nothing less. She was dismissed, told that she would still get her hours for the day, but she needed to leave the student center and not talk to any of her co-workers. As she was going out the door, the co-worker who liked to take long smoke breaks passed her. He gave her an annoyed look, clearly wondering why she was leaving work. She kept going and did not say anything. It would be the last time she ever saw him. She never learned all the details, but two of her fellow baristas were fired that day, one of which was the smoker. The firing of the two co-workers meant that Ruthie was the only employee from the morning shift remaining and the manager had to scramble to hire replacements. The same week there was a positive development for Mike; the likelihood soon he would be promoted. Throughout November he continued to deliver a couple hundred tickets per day for the parking department. His supervisor noticed his hard work and had him train two new student ticket-writers. He told Mike that once basketball season started, he would be placed in charge of other students collecting parking money for two lots during games. He also decided to make Officer # 036 an alternate for collecting money from the meters. He would train for the meter collection job in December and start with that new assignment in January. ---------- The month anniversary of their getting together came and went. Neither Mike nor Ruthie was the sort to romanticize dates on a calendar, but as it became obvious that they were going to stay together, both were faced with having to decide what to tell their families. Mike figured that he would break the news to his family during December and bring Ruthie over to his house sometime over Christmas break. He suspected Ruthie would be very nervous about meeting his relatives and unless properly prepped might not make a good impression. The more relaxed the meeting with his parents, the better. Ruthie had not made any plans about introducing Mike at all, because she was used to keeping secrets from her mother. She had a vague intention to introduce him at some point in the distant future, but wanted to put it off because she saw no reason why Mike had to be dragged into her troubled relationships in Salinas. She ended up having to introduce her boyfriend much earlier than she had wanted or expected. At the end of the third week of November, she was talking to her mother on the cell phone from Mike's room, taking advantage of having the place to herself on a Friday afternoon. The conversation consisted of the usual stressed dialogue about Ruthie not finding a church when it took a turn she had not anticipated: "Honey, I asked Cristina Rosales to call you. She told me that she did, a bunch of times. Haven't you been getting her messages?" "Uh...no Mom...I didn't get any messages...that function's...uh...kinda messed up on my phone...the messages, I mean...I'm not getting them..." "You need to take that phone in and fix it. Why do you have a cell phone if you can't get messages?" "I haven't had time Mom, honest." "Yes love. But I've asked her to go by your room...and she told me she did...several times....and she says you're never there." Fucking bitch, thought Ruthie to herself. Why can't Cristina mind her own fucking business? "Of course I'm not there! I'm in the library!" "Ruthie, she's gone by your room at 11:00! You're telling me you're at the library until 11:00?" "Mom...I'm in the library until it closes." "Please don't do that to me. Don't you know it's not safe for you to be out like that? What would I do if something happens to you?" "Mom, nothing's gonna happen to me." "You're walking around at night...alone...and you say nothing's gonna happen to you." "I'm not walking around alone, Mom. Mike brings me back every night. I'm perfectly safe." "Mike? Who's Mike?" Oh, shit...thought Ruthie. She was silent, desperately trying think how to cover that slip. Her mother's suspicious voice repeated itself. "Who is Mike, Ruthie? You need to tell me who Mike is." Ruthie took a deep breath. She wanted to come up with a lie, but she was a terrible liar and knew that lying would come back to haunt her later. Might as well come clean now and be done with it... "Mike's...uh...kinda my boyfriend, Mom..." Ruthie heard her mother's voice crack on the phone. "I knew it! So that's why you've been running away from Cristina! You're up there leading a secretive sinful life and you didn't want me to know! Don't you know that the Scripture says that everything you wish to keep under a lamp will be shouted from the rooftops? Don't you know that, my daughter? You're not just running from me; you're running from the Lord, aren't you?!" "Mom! MOM! It's not like that! Honest! Mike's not what you think! He's a nice guy!" "Yes, he's a 'nice guy'! I'm sure he is! They're all 'nice guys' because they all want is to use you to satisfy their lustful sinful desires! I knew it! I knew you would do this to me!" "Mom! It's not that way! Honest! It's not like that! I'll have you meet him! I'll have you talk to him! You'll see he's not what you think!" "I don't believe you! I know that you are a liar!" "Mom! The Scripture says 'Judge not, that you not be judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you shall be judged and the measure you give is the measure you shall receive!' You are the one committing a sin, by passing judgment on someone you haven't even met! At least meet him before you start casting stones!" There was silence on the other end. "Mom?" "It's OK, love..." "What's OK?" "I apologize. Bring your boyfriend here. I'll meet him. I shouldn't have passed judgment so quickly. But if you're with a man, I am your mother, and I have a right to know." "Yes, Mom. I shouldn't have kept it from you...but I wasn't sure how things were gonna go with him..." Ruthie managed to get her mother to calm down enough that she was able to give a superficial description of Mike and a censored version of the relationship they had developed over the past month. She played up the fact that Mike's family did go to church, although she knew very little about that detail of his life other than the Sinclairs were mainline Protestants and not evangelicals. Ruthie's mother suggested that Mike go to Salinas to meet her on Sunday, but Ruthie knew better than to go along with that, because a Sunday trip would entail spending several hours at church. Ruthie, grasping for some way she could keep a minimal amount of control over what was going on, suggested meeting Mike the very next day...Saturday...having to make the commitment without any input from him. She was still on the phone when he came in from work, talking in the normal mixture of Spanish and English that she used with her Salinas relatives. It was a very strange experience for him to listen to her speaking in "Spanglish". Because he had never heard her talk to any of her relatives, he had taken it for granted that she spoke in one or the other of the two languages, not that weird mix. He also could tell that she was very stressed out from the conversation, and became even more stressed out upon seeing him. She cut short the call: "Bye, Mom. Nos vemos mañana." She pushed the disconnect button. "What's going on tomorrow?" Ruthie took a deep breath. What's going on tomorrow...well, that was going to be a bit complicated... "Mike...uh...I kinda told my mom about us...and she's gonna want to meet you." "Tomorrow? But it's gonna be nice weather...and I thought you wanted to go to the beach..." "We gotta do it tomorrow. You mind driving me down to Salinas?" "Uh...well...no...I don't mind, but this...kinda came up fast..." "I know. I'm sorry...but I got to talking to my mom on the phone and she started asking me how come I'm never in my room...and I told her that I'm in the library...and then she started bitching at me that it's not safe to be out by myself...and that's when...I kinda told her about us." "OK, so tomorrow I'm gonna meet your mom. Is that a big deal?" "Yeah, Mike. It kinda is...there's some stuff...a lot of stuff...I mean...I'm dealing with a lot of stuff with her...I mean...you'll meet her and you'll see what I'm talking about." "Then I'm gonna have to know what 'a lot of stuff about her' is. Up to now you really haven't told me all that much about her. I don't even know her name. All you've said is that she's from a town in Mexico called Culiacan, she jumped the border 20 years ago, she's really into religion, and she wants to go home someday. That's not a whole lot for me to go on. I mean, is she gonna have a problem that I'm a gringo? Is that it?" "No. That's not it. My dad's a gringo too...so even if it does bother her, she wouldn't be able to say anything. With her it's gonna be her fucking religion. She's probably gonna want to ask you a bunch of shit about that...are you 'saved'...do you have Jesus in your heart...shit like that." "No problem. If she wants to talk about religion, I'll talk about religion. It's not like I've never set foot in a church." Ruthie fidgeted with anxiety. "There's a lot more to it. I mean...she's gonna want to know what we do together...and...there's something that's been going on that I haven't told you about... she's kinda pissed at me..." Over the next half hour Ruthie tried to explain what had been going on between her and her mother since she had entered the university. For the first time in six years she had the opportunity to enjoy a break from going to church. She did not have to spend her Wednesday nights and Sundays listening to apocalyptic sermons and psychotic rants. She did not have to "fake it"; she did not have to act like she believed in something that she had quit believing in three years before. She did not have to hold back the urge to stand up in the pew and scream "You're lying! What you're saying is total bullshit!" The problem that Ruthie had in Davenport was her mother suspected the truth. Every time they talked on the phone, she was constantly nagging about finding a church. If all Ruthie had to do was lie from a distance the situation would be bearable, but over the past month she had deal that bitch Cristina Rosales looking for her. Ruthie described her with the Spanish word "metiche", which roughly translates as "meddlesome". She was totally stressed about that situation, because the moment Cristina managed to catch her, she'd either have go to Cristina's church to shut her up, or she'd have to confront her with the truth, which would immediately be relayed back to her mother. Ruthie said all of that while sitting on the bed tensed up. She was staring straight ahead and her hands were shaking. She concluded: "One of the things my mom's gonna want to know is that you're serious about me." Mike took her hands and got her to stand up. He hugged her. "That part's easy. I don't need to convince her I'm serious about you. I am serious about you." Ruthie took a deep breath and put her arms around him. Yes Mike was serious about her...she knew that...and she deeply cared about him as well...but...but... ---------- The following morning Ruthie showed up at Mike's room in a conservative green dress and matching top. It was strange for him to see her in that outfit, because it was the most clothing he had seen her wearing since they met. He could tell that she was uncomfortable in that get-up. The dress looked good on her, but knowing what he knew about her, it did not go with her personality. To her the dress was not really clothing. It was a costume that she had to wear so she could perform a role in Salinas that was totally fake. Mike also was somewhat better-dressed than normal. Instead of his usual shorts and anti-Mega-Town t-shirt, he wore khaki pants and a long-sleeve white shirt. When he took Ruthie to his car she noticed that he had washed it and cleaned out the inside. Then she noticed that his shoes were shined and that both the shirt and pants were ironed. It was clear that he was serious about making a good impression on Ruthie's mother. On their way to Salinas, Mike asked Ruthie to talk more about her time in high school. He was not curious about her church, because he figured that she already had told him what he needed to know. Instead he wanted to know about her life in the school itself. She started by claiming that there was not that much to talk about, so he got her to talk about her classes. He pushed her to talk about her time in middle school, about her first year in Salinas and her last year in Lincoln. What he wanted to know was why she suddenly moved from Nebraska to California when she was 12, but she had made it clear that she did not want to talk about that. Driven by curiosity, he cautiously probed that period of her life to get a hint of what happened, without being too obvious. He got a few clues. She inadvertently told him the move to Salinas happened very suddenly and was traumatic for her. She mentioned in passing that she felt that her father had betrayed and abandoned her. A little while later she said that she hated her father and "that fucking bitch he's with". When they approached Salinas, she mentioned that in Lincoln she was raised by her grandmother. When Mike asked, she clarified that it was her father's mother who raised her. Like pieces of a puzzle, Mike put together the hints that she inadvertently gave him. While living in Nebraska she had been raised by her grandmother, not her father. She was happy up until her grandmother died, and that was when she was eleven. A year later she suddenly moved to Salinas against her wishes. He guessed that the "fucking bitch" was a second marriage and possibly the reason she was forced to leave Lincoln. Now that he was about to meet her mother, Mike knew that a lot more of his questions about her would be answered. Ruthie knew that as well. She was not happy about the prospect, because she had been hoping to keep at least some of her life secret from her boyfriend. She sighed, because it seemed things like that never worked out for her. ---------- When they pulled into Ruthie's apartment complex, she directed him to go to the management office to get a visitor's pass. Once Mike's car was parked in a visitor's space, she led him past several two-story buildings that seemed in fairly decent condition. He could hear Mariachi music playing from several apartments. A couple of groups of small children were playing outside on the grass. The children were conversing in Spanish. They passed a laundry mat with coin-operated washers and dryers. He noticed his girlfriend half-heartedly waving to several people they passed. He received some curious looks from neighbors, because no one in the complex had ever seen her with a guy other than her cousin. Mike reflected that if Ruthie had to come into this place directly from a house in Nebraska; that would have been a rough transition, especially for a kid who was 12. In spite of the fact the property's physical condition was acceptable; the complex had a somewhat sinister feel to it. Ruthie had mentioned that gang members lived in some of the units and had talked about the night she witnessed a shooting. He definitely could understand why Ruthie's mother would not have wanted her wandering around the area after dark. Mike reminded his girlfriend that she still had not told him her mother's name, nor how he should call her. She responded that her name was Lisette Montoya Burns. She realized that she wasn't sure how she should be addressed: whether it should be Mrs. Burns or Doña Lisette. Finally she settled on Doña Lisette. The Outsider Ch. 13 Ruthie's apartment was in a building at the far end of the complex. It was a second-story unit that looked out over the parking lot of an office park. The position gave it relative privacy in comparison with most of the other apartments, which had windows facing into the windows of other residences. They went up the stairs and Ruthie opened the door with her own key. "Mom! Ya estamos!" Ruthie's mother came out of the kitchen. She looked somewhat like an older version of her daughter, but her skin was much darker and her facial features reflected her mostly Indian ancestry. She gave Mike a very suspicious look, but Ruthie took her arm and introduced her to her boyfriend. Ruthie did not know what to expect from the introduction, other than assuming everyone would spend a very tense couple of hours that would have an unpleasant ending. Mike, however, had some time to think over how he was going to handle himself the day. He knew that, above anything else, he had to find neutral topics about which he could talk to a difficult person who could very well become a future. He started out with a few simple questions to figure out how well Doña Lisette spoke English, such as how she liked living in Salinas and how long she had been in the apartment. He told her that Ruthie had mentioned that she originally was from Culiacan and asked her what it was like. Doña Lisette talked haltingly at first, but then Mike found the topic he was looking for: San Diego. Ruthie's mother always had a special place in her heart for San Diego because it was the one place where she had some fun. In spite of being afraid of being caught by La Migra, she had been in San Diego when she was young and single. There were discos and attractions such as Sea World. Mike knew nothing about the city's nightlife, but he was very familiar with the attractions from having gone there with his family. Mike and Doña Lisette compared their experiences in San Diego. The fact that Mike went there with his parents seemed to set her at ease. When Ruthie's mother changed the topic to what was going on at the university, he was ready. He talked about the hours of studying and backed up Ruthie's statement that they stayed in the library until it closed. He explained why they had to stay there so late, because they had to conduct research from volumes that could not be checked out. She asked about the danger of a young woman being alone at such a late hour. With no hesitation he responded: "Of course it's dangerous for a girl like Ruthie to be out by herself that late. That's why I always take her back to her dorm and make sure she gets in OK. For a guy it's not so bad, so I drop her off first and then go to my own building." When the topic changed to religion, again Mike was ready. He noticed Ruthie tensing up and fidgeting, but he ignored her. He talked at length about going to church with his parents while growing up and about various experiences that he had with his church group. He made himself sound much more religious than he really was, but he did not tell his host a single thing that was not true or that had not really happened to him. Mike could tell that Doña Lisette was still suspicious of his family's church, but the godless party-boy that she had been expecting was not the person sitting in front of her. Mike was polite, serious, intelligent, and seemed to care for her daughter. The issue of church bothered Doña Lisette and she pressed Mike on why they were not attending services. Mike apologized about that, saying that he was bothered by that lack in their lives as well, but what he wanted to do was return to attending services at his parents' church. He commented that it was a real shame that there was no decent church in Davenport. When Ruthie's mother chided him about not trying to find a church in Santa Cruz, he simply apologized and agreed that he needed to pay more attention to his relationship with the Lord. Mike eased past the explosive topic of religion and started talking more about Ruthie and her life in college. He talked about how they met because they were in the same class and how they got to know each other through talking about literature. He talked about her studying and that was one thing about her that he admired, how studious and hardworking she was. He compared her to the lazy rich girls he ticketed and talked up her kindness and dedication. Ruthie was quiet as she watched Mike establish rapport with her mother. He talked to her naturally and was neither intimidated nor condescending. He was honest about everything he said. Sometimes he distorted facts and events by taking them out of their context, but not once did he say anything false. His handling of the conversation was very different from Ruthie's habit of blatant lying and evasive answers. Mike was at an advantage because he felt more at ease talking to older people than he did talking to people of his own age group. The difference in years and life experiences put enough distance between Mike and older individuals that he did not need to struggle talking about things such as popular culture that did not interest him. His intellectual curiosity made him want to talk to people whose information and experiences differed from his own, from whom he could learn something or get a different perspective. With a person such as his girlfriend's mother it was easy for him to have such a conversation. The result of the morning's meeting was what Ruthie had least expected, that her mother actually liked her boyfriend. She opened up with him, telling him about some of the girl's difficulties in school and the worries that she had over sending her off to college. Ruthie was not pleased with the turn of the conversation, because Mike learned several details about her life that she really had not wanted him to know. At noon Ruthie's aunt and her cousin Rosa came over to her apartment to make their weekly trek to the nearby Salinas Mega-Mart. Mike met two more of Ruthie's relatives and had a chance to further ingratiate himself. He shocked his girlfriend by agreeing to go shopping with the group when they asked if he and Ruthie wanted to join them. For the next two hours he helped the women load their carts with heavier items and then helped them load the purchases into the back of their car. He spent a lot of his time in the store talking to Ruthie's cousin: describing his academic experiences in Chicago and California, making comparisons between the two universities, and giving her some basic advice on taking tests and writing term papers. Ruthie was totally "weirded out", as she always liked to say, by his behavior. Mike...setting foot in a Mega-Mart? As they walked up and down the aisles, she could tell that he was repulsed by being there. Later she would need to ask him why he agreed to accompany her relatives into the hated store. ---------- They left Ruthie's apartment in the late afternoon. Ruthie hugged her mother good-bye and Mike kissed her on the cheek. They made their way out of the complex and drove around Salinas, making a quick visit to the old downtown. Ruthie pointed out several places that she had known in high school and shared several more events of her life. Before going back to Davenport they stopped at a local burrito place, where Ruthie often went with her relatives when she was still in high school. Ruthie's feelings about the day were very mixed. The first thing she wondered about was the Mega-Mart trip. If Mike hated Mega-Mart so much, how could he agree to go there? He responded that he could justify the trip because he was not spending any of his own money in the store. There was no point in arguing because Ruthie's relatives would go shopping at Mega-Mart whether he wanted them to or not. In such a case, his own feelings were irrelevant. Anyhow, his purpose that day was not to enlighten her relatives on the evils of Mega-Town Associates. His purpose was to meet her family and to make her life as easy as possible by doing what was necessary to make a good impression on them. As he put it: "Different things matter at different times. In Davenport I can worry about Mega-Town all I want. Right now what mattered was me getting along with your mom." "I 'spose..." Ruthie was grateful that Mike had given up his day to spend with her relatives, but she was uneasy with how quickly things with him had developed. She was simultaneously impressed and worried by how easily he managed to ingratiate himself with three of her family members. Like it or not, now he was indeed "her boyfriend". That was how the world saw him, and how he saw himself. Mike showed a side of himself that Ruthie had not known about. To get along with her mother, he managed to conceal a large portion of his beliefs and personality, showing only the part of himself that she would not find offensive. He had the ability to deceive through telling the truth, a talent that Ruthie did not have. She could tell the truth or tell a lie (usually badly) but Mike's subtle manipulation of facts to create false impressions was something she was incapable of doing. ---------- As Mike and Ruthie drove back to Davenport, Lisette Montoya Burns accompanied her sister and her niece back to her brother's place. They organized the purchases for Thanksgiving, which was coming up the following week. When she got back to her apartment, Lisette took out her Bible and read some passages, making sure she would be ready for church the following day. She spent some time in prayer before getting ready for bed. Finally, she pulled out a photo album to take a look at Ruthie's pictures. There were pictures in that album from the time she was born until she was three. Then there was a gap of nine years. The pictures did not start up again until the girl was 12. Little Ruthie...she reflected...not so little anymore. It was because of Ruthie that Lisette's last name was Burns. She was married for thirteen years, but married in name only most of that time. She had lived in Salinas, and her husband lived in Lincoln. For the last nine years of their marriage they had no contact whatsoever, nor did Lisette have any contact with Ruthie. Then, totally out the blue, she got a phone call from her husband. "I'm sending our daughter to live with you. She'll be flying into San Jose on Meg-Air Flight # 223 from Salt Lake City at 5:00. Can you get someone out to the airport to pick her up?" "I...I'll send my brother to get her..." "Good. There's divorce papers that'll be coming with her. If you want me to send you any child support, you'll have to sign 'em and send 'em back." ...and...that was the end of Lisette's dysfunctional marriage with Ruthie's father. Not that it really mattered, because they had not seen each other for nearly a decade. ---------- Lisette looked at Ruthie's baby pictures and reflected on her ill-fated experience with love in San Diego. She had been going out with a group of young Mexican women to some discos that also were frequented by Marines and sailors from the nearby Navy base. Many of the military guys, the Marines especially, were Hispanic and spoke fluent Spanish. One night she was with her group of friends when they hooked up with a group of sailors from an aircraft carrier. There were a couple of white guys in the group, including a petty officer by the name of Jake Burns. By that time Ruthie's mother spoke just enough English that she could get by, and Petty Officer Burn's shipmates could help out with translating when it was needed. He was interesting and different from anyone she had ever met. His blond hair fascinated her. Jake liked to have fun and enjoyed taking Lisette to various places around San Diego. For three months he splurged on her while he waited for his ship to sail. He never really planned on staying with her past his sailing date, and she had no real plans at all. They were together for the moment. He'd leave and she'd go back to trying to find a job and avoid being deported. At that point her brother already had a job in Salinas and was waiting for her to join him. The month before Petty Officer Burns was ready to ship out; Lisette realized she had a big problem. She had missed her period. She waited two weeks, hoping that her menstruation would miraculously come about, but nothing. She bought a test kit and found out that, sure enough, she was pregnant. When she approached Jake about the problem, his answer was simple: get an abortion. She was so horrified by the suggestion that she actually slapped him. Get an abortion? Are you crazy? Do you want to murder our child? Do you want me to go to Hell? They argued for a week as Jake's sailing date rapidly approached. Finally he decided that the easiest thing to do would be to give Lisette a marriage certificate so she could get military benefits for the baby. He really didn't care, because he was going to be out to sea anyway. So, he took her to a local Justice of the Peace with a couple of his shipmates to serve as witnesses, then took her to the Navy base to get an ID as a spouse so she could see the military doctors. From there he took her to DMV to get a state ID. Lisette was not pleased with the brusque way Jake was treating her but at least, if nothing else, her legal situation was resolved and she no longer had to worry about La Migra. Jake was gone more than a year. While he was gone, Lisette had her daughter, who she wanted to call Luz Maria. Jake overruled her and told her that he wanted the girl's name to be Ruthie. Worried about what was going to happen when Jake finally got back from his tour, she agreed. When he got back, Jake decided that he wanted to stay with Lisette after-all. He moved her and the baby into an apartment for the final six months of his contract with the Navy. He became attached to Ruthie and attentive to his wife. Lisette, however, was getting bored and anxiously waited for Jake to get out of the Navy so he could help her get a job. When Ruthie was two, Jake finally left the service and moved his wife and daughter to Lincoln, where the marriage quickly deteriorated. He had work lined up as a mechanic, but no job materialized for Lisette. His friends and relatives totally cold-shouldered her. He hooked up with some of his old friends from high school and started to go out drinking. He insisted on leaving Ruthie with his mother during the days, because he did not want the child to grow up speaking Spanish. Lisette was totally cut off from everything that was familiar to her. Even going to church didn't work out, because at the time there were not many Hispanics in Lincoln and she definitely did not fit in with any of the white congregations. Within six months Lisette had enough of Jake and Lincoln and wanted to join her brother in Salinas. She wanted to take Ruthie, but there was no way either Jake or his mother would be willing to part with her. She was under the impression that divorce was not an option, because if she got divorced, she'd be subject to deportation. A recent INS round-up of illegal immigrants working at a nearby meat-packing plant drove home that point. Finally she got on a bus and simply left. Two days later she was in Salinas. She moved in with her brother and his wife. Within a month he helped her get a job. A few months later she was in her own apartment. Lisette's mind was full of trauma and guilt as she started her life in Salinas. The pastor of her church told her that she had lived in sin when partying around San Diego. God had punished her with her unpleasant marriage and the loss of her daughter. The only hope for her was to lead as upright a life as possible and to spend the rest of her mortal days serving the Lord. She would pray to be reunited with her daughter, and maybe, if the Lord chose to bless her, at some point Ruthie would re-appear in her life. Nine years later, Lisette's prayers were answered. Eight hours after receiving that phone call from her husband, the Meg-Air flight carrying the terrified 12-year old landed in the San Jose. Lisette's brother picked her up from the airport and brought her to Salinas. Yes, there were a lot of challenges and the girl had picked up bad influences in Jake's house, but what mattered the Lord had spoken and forced him to release her. Among other details in the divorce agreement was a line that gave Lisette full custody of Ruthie. There was no mention about visitation. She gladly signed the document and sent it back. Lisette celebrated by taking her daughter to church. The girl would grow up serving the Lord. She would see to that. It was the least she could do to praise Him for returning Ruthie to her. At that point the pictures in her photo album resumed... The Outsider Ch. 14 Chapter 14 - The Sinclairs Mike and Ruthie returned to his room just as it was getting dark outside. The moment they entered the room, Ruthie stripped off the uncomfortable dress. She was desperate to get her bra off, given that she had not worn one of those restrictive garments since she started college. Once she was naked, she stretched and spun around a couple of times. She looked at the pressure marks from her bra strap in the mirror and commented: "I'd forgotten how uncomfortable wearing all this shit is." Mike stripped as well. He took Ruthie in his arms. For a long time they stood kissing as he ran his hands over her bottom. That she enjoyed, because she did like being hugged and she especially liked it when he touched her bottom. She could feel his penis stiffening. OK...might as well get that taken care of and get it over with. She reached down and gave his organ a squeeze before pulling away and reaching for her lubricant. She inserted it while he put on a condom. She dabbed a bit of lubricant on the end, then got on her elbows and knees on the bed. He ran his hands over her bottom, gave each side a quick kiss and then stood up and entered her. Mike thrust vigorously as he grunted and sweat trickled down his body. For him the experience was totally great. She closed her eyes and played along, angry at herself for not being able to enjoy that part of the relationship, but thankful that the lubricant was making the experience bearable. ---------- The students had a chance to relax once they were cleaned up. Ruthie cuddled Mike. "I still can't get over how well things went today. You were great. I mean...what you said to my mom about church and all that..." Mike kissed her forehead and ran his fingers through her hair. "About church...you know that we made a commitment to your mom..." "How do you mean?" "We have to go. Might as well do it tomorrow and get it over with." "What do you mean, we have to go? Go where? To church?" "To church. To my church...there's two services, and I 'spose it'd make more sense to go to the earlier one at 8:30." Ruthie sat up. "Fuck that! I'm not going to your church! I'm not going to anybody's church! I'm done with that shit!" "OK...so tomorrow night, your mom's gonna call and start asking: 'did you go to Mike's church? Well...why not? Mike told me he was gonna take you. So he didn't after-all? Then he was lying, wasn't he?' Isn't that what she's gonna say to you?" "I 'spose..." "So...we're going to keep that from happening. When your mom asks about you going to my church, you're gonna tell her 'yes' and when she asks you to tell her about it, you're gonna tell her what it was like, and you won't have any problems because you'll be telling her the truth..." "I don't care! I don't want to go to your fucking church!" "I'm not talking about you converting! I'm just talking about you going there, once, so you can tell everyone that you did. Look. I quit going too...several years ago...'cause there's no point in me being there...I mean...when you go you'll see what I'm talking about. But I do think you need to go at least once, just to satisfy your mom and so we don't have to keep lying to her. Might as well do it tomorrow and get it over with." Ruthie remained sitting up, not sure how to respond. Mike continued: "How you handle your mom is your business. I'm not gonna get involved in that. But I'm not gonna lie to her unless there's a damn good reason. This is not a damn good reason. The next time I see her, she's gonna want to talk about us going to my church, and I don't want to have to make up a bunch of bullshit. Besides, it'll get you off the hook with that Cristina who's looking for you. If you've already gone to my church, you can tell her that and it'll get you out of having to go to hers." Ruthie finally nodded, because she wasn't able to come up with any arguments to counter Mike's logic. She hated to admit it, but she knew that he was right...it was easier to put in an hour at his church than it was to spend yet more weeks of evasive phone conversations with her mother and dodging Cristina. Besides, from everything he had told her, it sounded like his church was very impersonal and going there would not be a high pressure experience. ---------- For the second time in less than 24 hours Ruthie put on her green dress, while Mike put on dark pants, a tie, and a sports coat. That was the most formally she had ever seen him dressed. They left very early, driving through thick morning fog to make it in time for the 8:30 service. They pulled up to a large 1960's-style modernistic church located in a neighborhood that was built about the same time. Only about a third of the parking spaces were taken, most of them by luxury sedans such as Town-Cars. Ruthie noticed that everyone attending church was well-dressed. She also noticed that almost everyone around her were older white people. She looked to see if there were any young people at all, but she only saw a few couples in their 30's and 40's. She did not see anyone college-aged. Nor did she see any children because, as Mike would later explain to her, during the service children attended separate Sunday school. The inside of the chapel reflected a by-gone era when there were more people attending and Mike's church had a lot more money. The ceiling was inlaid with expensive wood and the windows were modernistic stained glass. The décor was totally different from her mother's church, which had no décor at all apart from a cross and some posters with biblical passages. As the older people entered, they sat down quietly. In the background there was soft organ music. Ruthie looked around at her bizarre surroundings. The cavernous chapel...the organ music coming from somewhere in the background...and all those old white people just sitting quietly...sort of gave her the creeps. Mike handed her a church program and in a hushed voice explained to her how the service worked, that it would last exactly 55 minutes, it would have three hymns, the reciting of the Lord's Prayer, and the sermon. Ruthie looked at the strange document in her hands, bewildered that a church service could be so carefully preplanned. She vaguely wondered if the service really would follow the program minute-by-minute...but as she looked around at all those old white folks, she figured that none of them was the sort to step out of line and disrupt a schedule. Sure enough...minute by minute the service followed the program to the letter. Mike was familiar with the hymns and the Lord's Prayer. He sang and recited from memory, but there was no life or spontaneity in what he was doing. There's no life in this place at all, thought Ruthie to herself. This is totally dead...like...really dead... On their way out Mike briefly talked to one of the assistant pastors, explaining that he had not attended services for so long because he had been in Chicago. He introduced Ruthie as his girlfriend. The pastor was friendly enough, but she could tell that he had no real interest in her. And that was it. As they returned to his car, Mike did not bother to ask her what she thought of his church. He knew that she could not have a positive opinion. Instead he explained his own experiences with the faith his parents attempted to give him when they were more optimistic and Mega-Mart had not yet ruined their lives. For him there had been no sudden break in his faith, no moment of revelation like the moment Ruthie had experienced. During his last couple of years in high school he simple drifted out of the church, especially after his father lost his business. When he was a senior in high school, he still believed in God, but that belief became vaguer and more ill-defined as the year went by. Of course it did not help that God was of no assistance whatsoever as the Sinclairs were losing their pharmacy. Nor was it any help that as Mr. Sinclair's standing among the local businessmen declined, so did his standing in the church. Mike commented about the horrible job his church had done attempting to retain younger people like himself. The church did OK keeping young people involved and motivated up through the end of high school, but young singles tended to drop out once they started college and very few ever returned. Younger people either ended up changing over to an evangelical mega-church or, like Mike, they simply drifted away from religion altogether. "You have to understand something about my church. It's like my dad's business, and like a lot of other things in this country. It's a part of our society that is getting old and dying out. All those old people...once they're gone, the church will be gone too. It'll die with them. My generation got pushed out, 'cause those old people were too worried about themselves to worry about us. I have no reason to go back. And...when we were there today I didn't see anyone from my high school group. I don't know...maybe there's a few left that'll be going to the later service...but I've lost touch so I wouldn't know." As they discussed their respective religious experiences, Mike and Ruthie were able to understand each other on the issue of religion. Mike did not have the explosive hatred towards organized religion that Ruthie had because his church was not such a domineering presence in his life as he was growing up. No one sought to control him or his mind, but when he and his family drifted away, no one made any real effort to prevent them from leaving. Ruthie realized that Mike was right about having her see his church, because now she honestly could say that she did go, she could talk about the sermon and the music, and she give a physical description of the place. She was oddly depressed by the experience, nevertheless. There was nothing really offensive about Mike's church...there was no exhortation that the world was about to come to an end, no screaming, no talking in tongues, no interruptions from the audience, no mind-control, no megalomania from the preacher. But still, the place totally creeped-her out. It was just so...dead...just a bunch of old people reciting stuff for no reason other than it was what had been recited for the last 400 years. When she talked to her mother about her experience, she'd have to skip the detail about being surrounded by a bunch of half-dead rich white senior citizens. ---------- The visit to the church put Mike in a melancholy mood and made Ruthie more reflective. Mike offered to show her the two locations where Sinclair Pharmacy used to be, which she accepted. He first took her to a dilapidated downtown area that appeared to have been built between the 1920's and 1950's. The buildings were mostly abandoned except for a few breakfast places and some "boutiques" that Mike suspected actually were money laundering fronts. He pointed to a corner building and commented that was the first location of Sinclair Pharmacy, where his great-grandfather and grandfather ran the business from the 1930's until the late 1970's. They drove to a shopping center that had been built in the 1960's but had been remodeled several times since then. Mike explained that the shopping center replaced the traditional downtown area and that the majority of the local businesses had moved there by 1975. Sinclair Pharmacy was one of the last holdouts to leave downtown: Mike's grandfather moved the business to the shopping center in 1979. Like the downtown area it replaced, it was clear the shopping center had seen better days. Only about half of the storefronts were still occupied: there were two pawn-ships, a cigarette discounter, a second-hand clothing store, a pay-day lender, a liquor store, a store that sold surplus packaged food items, and a clothing donation center. Mike pointed out the spot where Sinclair Pharmacy had occupied one of the larger spaces, which now was occupied by the outpatient services for a drug rehab clinic. Mike observed: "Still a drug business in this spot...but I guess this is where the growth market is and my dad just got it wrong." To Ruthie there was nothing unusual about what she was looking at, because there were several similar shopping centers scattered around Salinas, including the one where her mother's church was set up. However, Mike was able to give her a different perspective because he was old enough to remember what the area was like before it lost its businesses. He explained that before Mega-Mart cleaned out all the local retailers, the shopping center was a very different place, with businesses that actually served the needs of the public. There had been a major grocery store where the clothing donation center was located, a hardware store, a toy store, a gardening store, a book store, a store for school supplies, a pet store, several restaurants, and a mortgage & loan where the payday lender currently was operating. Thanks to Mega-Mart, the shopping center's original retailers were gone and the blight coming from their successors was spreading throughout the neighborhood. For example, the pawn shops sold items stolen out of nearby residences by the bums hanging out at the rehab clinic, the liquor store, and the smoke shop. "The best thing we could do at this point would be just get rid of the shopping center and put in a city park. Even some condos would be better than what's here now, 'cause at least people would live there and have to maintain 'em." Ruthie suspected she knew what was coming next. They had seen Mike's church and they had seen the two places where Mike's family had their pharmacy. It would be logical that... Sure enough, Mike suggested going over to his house for lunch. Ruthie was not thrilled at the prospect of meeting his parents, but given everything he had done to calm the problems she was having with her mother, she knew that the least she could do would be reciprocate. She would try to get along with Mike's relatives as best she could. Besides, she was wearing her best dress...just as good a time as any... When they got to his house, Mike was surprised that no one was there. He told his girlfriend that they'd wait an hour or so before returning to Santa Cruz. Ruthie was relieved. Mike showed her around the house, which like everything else he showed her was dated to the 1970's and had seen better days. It was a split-level tract-home sheltered in the front by a couple of large trees. The interior was kept up, but the only thing Mr. Sinclair was doing on the outside was mowing the lawn. The paint was peeling and the roof's shingles needed to be replaced. There was a much more serious maintenance problem: a tree root had worked its way towards a rain gutter outlet and was pushing into the foundation of the house. Already there was a serious crack in the cement. When Ruthie commented about the damage Mike answered: "The house isn't gonna be ours all that much longer. Dad doesn't give a shit about it, 'cause any money he spends on repairs would just be money thrown at the lenders. By the time they get their hands on this place, it's gonna be worthless, and that's what he's planning on." There was a pool in the back yard, which was being kept up because Mike's parents still used it. The yard was surrounded by a wooden fence and tall bushes, so it was completely private and hidden from the neighbors. It was already sunny and starting to get hot. Mike took off his sports jacket. The couple looked at the pool and then at each other. When Mike suggested going for a swim, Ruthie eagerly accepted. They went into the pool house and took off their Sunday clothing. Ruthie tread water in the deep end as she watched her naked boyfriend go inside to get them something to drink and eat. As soon as he came back, they set upn chairs enjoying the sun and eating. A few minutes later they were back in the water. They spent a very long time swimming and relaxing in the pool. Mike pulled a plastic raft into the water. When Ruthie climbed on top, he pushed her from one end of the pool to the other and then spun her around. Finally he left her alone to relax and enjoy the sun and breeze on her bare backside. He floated on his back as she dozed on her raft. Clearly they had lost all track of time. Mike figured that his parents must have gone to the later church service (which they still attended every so often) and would be back around noon. It already was 1:00 when Mr. Sinclair's voice called out the back door: "Mike? Mike? Are you out here?" "Dad! Hold on! Wait a second!" Ruthie woke up, rolled off her raft with a loud splash, and pulled it in front of her, but it was too late. Mike's parents already had seen her. They quickly retreated into the house to give their son and his friend a chance to get dressed. Mike and Ruthie scrambled out of the water, showered off, and put on their clothes. Ruthie was blushing and very nervous. The last thing she wanted to do at that point was face the Sinclairs, but Mike managed to convince her that what had just happened was not the scandal of the century. He reassured her that his parents themselves rarely wore swimsuits when using the pool and that was not the first time that they had stumbled into Mike or his sister swimming naked with friends. Still, it is not every day that the very first time a young woman sees her boyfriend's parents, she is lying naked in their pool. Now properly dressed, Mike led Ruthie around the pool and into the living room. She shyly shook the hands of the elder Sinclairs. She was blushing and totally nervous, as she always was when meeting new people she was worried about impressing. Actually the pool incident was something that worked out in her favor. Mike's parents did not realize that her nervous behavior was normal for her: they assumed that she was mortified over them having seen her in the pool. Because of their mutual embarrassment, Mike's parents went out of their way to be polite to their guest and make her feel welcome. Under normal circumstances they might not have been so patient with her fidgeting and sideways glances. Mr. Sinclair did the same thing with Ruthie that Mike had done with Doña Lisette: get her to talk about neutral topics that interested her. In Ruthie's case it was geology. Ruthie chatted about her major. Mr. Sinclair did not know much about geology, but both of their fields required knowledge of chemistry, which was something in common they could discuss. Mr. Sinclair talked about chemistry classes he had taken in college and asked Ruthie about hers. From that topic the Sinclairs were able to get Ruthie to tell them about her background. She talked about Nebraska and to a lesser extent about Salinas. She mentioned some of the grants she had received to attend classes. Mr. Sinclair commented: "You know that some of that's going away next year...with the state as messed up as it is...I hate to say it, but scholarships are gonna take a big hit." Ruthie nodded. That wasn't something she wanted to think about, but losing her funding was a reality she was very likely to face within a few months. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence, which was interrupted when Mrs. Sinclair suggested "getting a bite". Mike later explained that was how his mother handled any uncomfortable moment, by running out and "getting a bite". Mr. Sinclair obligingly grabbed his car keys and they left the house. Ruthie was immensely relieved to get out of the living room. "Getting a bite" usually entailed driving around instead of just stopping in one place. Mike's father drove all around the neighborhood to show Ruthie various places that were of interest to him and his family's past. He showed Ruthie the schools where Mike and his sister had gone, the church that Mike and Ruthie had attended in the morning, and a house that once had been owned by Mike's grandfather. They drove a few miles out of town to see a WPA project where Mike's great-grandfather had worked shortly after arriving in California during the Depression. A major omission from Mr. Sinclair's history lesson were the two locations once occupied by Sinclair Pharmacy. As much as he liked chatting about the family's history, Mr. Sinclair never once mentioned the defunct family business. The Outsider Ch. 14 Ruthie noticed that Mr. Sinclair always talked about things that were in the past. She fully understood that he was a man with no future, just one person out of hundreds of millions who had been pushed aside by globalization and "progress". The world had changed around Mr. Sinclair and the future would have no place for people like him. And since...the world had no place for Mr. Sinclair, since he was part of a United States that already had passed into memory...was there any point for him to continue with his life? Yes, for the time being there was, because he was holding out until Mike and his sister could get through college. But then...after they graduated and the family lost the house, why would he want to deal with staying alive? For what? Everything that he had known and the society that had created him were gone...leaving him as nothing but a ghost living among the ruins of what had been, but was no more. As she looked at Mr. Sinclair and perceived the true defeat in his expression, she thought to herself: this guy knows...he understands. At that moment, she felt a secret connection with Mike's father. It was a connection she probably could never voice or express, but still it was there. Ruthie felt that Mr. Sinclair already was more dead than alive. The passing of that man's world was only a tiny manifestation of the impending death of a society, of a nation, and ultimately of a species. She suspected that Mike could not fully perceive that reality because he was too close to his father to view him objectively. Mike also was too much of an optimist, thought Ruthie to herself, still too naïve to understand how truly hopeless the condition of humanity really was. Like his fucking politics was gonna fix anything... Finally they stopped at "family dining" restaurant. After they sat down, Ruthie's normal shyness was not a problem when she talked to Mike's father. Mrs. Sinclair may have had very reserved feelings about Ruthie, but his father really started to like her. She talked naturally to him, which surprised Mike as much as Mike's handling of Doña Lisette had surprised Ruthie. The difference was that Mike had "performed" for Doña Lisette, but he did not feel any connection with her. With Ruthie and Mr. Sinclair it was different: a real connection that neither could define nor articulate. When they left the restaurant and were driving back to the house, she reached over and took Mike's hand. She felt the need to comfort him, but she also felt that she needed reassurance from him as well. And yet, subconsciously what she really wanted was be alone with Mr. Sinclair. He was the one looking into the abyss and who clearly understood that. Ruthie wanted to stand next to him, because she also knew... ---------- By the time they returned to the Sinclair house, it was getting late. Mike hugged his parents and left with his girlfriend, to return to a place where supposedly they were preparing for their future. There was one more stop to make, one more thing that Mike needed to show Ruthie. He proceeded to the infamous Mega-Mart that had finished off his family's business. The building stood abandoned and boarded up. Already the parking lot was cracked and full of grass. The company had put up a chain-link fence around the entire area topped with razor wire. Mike knew from his readings that Mega-Mart had no intention of ever selling the land, because the holding company wanted to make sure no one else could utilize it. The United States was full of similar abandoned Mega-Marts, strategic parcels of land that would permanently remain off-limits for anyone's use, even though the stores themselves were closed and the buildings reduced to decaying ruins. Mega-Town Associates' official policy was never to sell assets once they were acquired, because the company's long-term goal was to establish exclusive ownership of the world's resources. Anyhow, the land itself was a tax write-off, so to leave it unused made perfect economic sense. Mike commented: "You know...there used to be a pond here...when I was a little kid I'd come here to go fishing with my grandfather...ducks came through here in the fall...it was a nice place. It was county-owned land, but Mega-Town won a lawsuit and that's how they got to build on it." From the Mega-Mart they drove past blocks of 1960's houses. Many of them were for sale. Most of the others were occupied by older people, people who had bought into the real estate market back in the days when houses were still affordable in California. All from a bygone era... Mike turned onto the highway and drove his girlfriend back to Davenport. She turned on a radio station that featured music from the 1980's. After a couple of songs they heard the voice of the famous singer Bruce Springsteen singing "My Hometown" Now main streets whitewashed windows and vacant stores Seems like there ain't nobody wants to come down here no more They're closing down the textile mill across the railroad tracks Foreman says these jobs are going boys, and they ain't coming back to... Your hometown Your hometown Your hometown Your hometown Last night me and Kate...we laid in bed talking about getting out Packing up our bags maybe heading south I'm thirty-five we got a boy of our own now Last night I sat him up behind the wheel and said: Son, take a good look around This is your hometown Mike said nothing, but Ruthie noticed him tightening his lips and holding back tears. She had nothing to say either, but she put her hand on his arm to try to comfort him. ---------- After Mike and Ruthie left, the Sinclairs briefly discussed the day and what they thought of their son's new girlfriend from Salinas. Mrs. Sinclair was not impressed with her. "She's cute, which I suppose is what he sees in her. But there's something about her that's not right. I can't put my finger on it, but to be honest, I think she's kinda creepy." Mr. Sinclair didn't answer right away. Mike's mother added: "I just wish he'd get back together with Lisa. The Campbell girl was so perfect for him..." "And I say screw Lisa Campbell. I'm glad he's rid of her. She was a phony. I like Ruthie a lot better. She's not 'normal', but so what? At least that girl's got a brain and you can have a conversation with her." "Well...I guess. But I'm still not thrilled about her." Mrs. Sinclair decided to go for a swim. She took off her clothes in the bedroom and wrapped a towel around herself. She went out to the pool for an evening swim, tossed the towel in a lounge chair, and dove in. She would do her laps...work off her stress, of which she had plenty. As soon as he heard his wife splashing in the water, Mr. Sinclair went into the garage and pulled up a small door that led into the crawlspace under the house. He took a flashlight and fumbled around in the dark moldy area. He shined his light at several wooden studs, noticing to his satisfaction that the damage by the termites that had invaded their house had progressed. Yes, my little white ladies, eat. Eat to your hearts' content. Eat up all those profits they think they're gonna get when they foreclose. Mr. Sinclair knew that the termites had been destroying the house for several months. Most homeowners would have been horrified upon seeing the damage, but Mr. Sinclair was elated. The termites were destroying a house that within a short time would no longer be his. The lenders would snatch their prize, only to discover it was worthless. Yes, my pretty little white ladies...enjoy your meal...I'm not gonna bother you. Mike's father shined a flashlight towards a metal gray box that he had screwed into a support beam. He opened it up to make sure its contents were clean and in good condition. He pulled out a .38 mm pistol and made sure that it was dry. He checked the bullets. They still looked good and showed no signs of oxidation. Excellent. He pushed a small cleaning rag through the barrel of the pistol and checked the trigger. He put the weapon to his temple and dry-fired. It clicked just fine. Satisfied, he locked the pistol and ammunition back in the box and crawled out towards the garage. Mr. Sinclair went through the same routine every Sunday afternoon. He wanted to make sure everything was ready when the time came. The Outsider Ch. 15 Chapter 15 - Two Thanksgivings Mike and Ruthie stopped in Santa Cruz for smoothies before driving the final part of their trek up to the university. The stop and having a fruit drink improved Mike's mood. He did not exactly cheer up, but instead of being depressed he became more pensive. He did not want to remain in Santa Cruz, but Ruthie could tell that he did not want to go back to the university either. She suggested going to a lookout just north of Davenport. A few minutes later the couple was standing at a railing that was perched on a cliff hundreds of feet above the Pacific Ocean. Almost immediately beneath them the surf crashed viciously into the rocks. Ruthie commented that the cliff was a result of the subduction zone that extended along the entire west coast of the Americas. "If it weren't for the subduction zone, this area would be like the Atlantic side...all flat." "Have you ever been over that way? In the eastern states?" "Just once, and I didn't make it out to the coast. Just to Washington. There was a field trip for honor students in the district, and I got to go. We got to see all the famous stuff there...the museums...the White House...the Congress, and we met our Representative...and went to see the House Chamber...it was kinda neat doing all that." "What'd you think of DC?" "I don't know...I mean...there's a lot of stuff that's kinda neat to look at and I 'spose it'd be OK living there if you had power and money...but I can't picture myself fitting in a place like that." Mike smiled slightly and hugged her. "I couldn't picture you fitting in a place like that either. Nor me. I know I couldn't handle DC." "You've been there?" "A bunch of times. All over the East Coast. My grandparents liked to travel and when it was summer they took us with 'em. We did a lot of family vacations...driving all around...when I was in middle school and the first couple of years in high school...I saw all kinds of stuff...my grandfather was big on US history so we saw DC...some of the old towns in Virginia...Independence Hall in Philadelphia...Amish country...Yorktown...Manassas...all those history places." "Did you like it?" "At the time, no. I wasn't interested when I was in middle school, and in high school I was pissed whenever I couldn't be with Lisa. But now I'm glad I did go and got to see all that stuff. What about you? Where all have you been?" "Just around eastern Nebraska...a little around Culiacan...and of course the road down there and back...a few field trips around Salinas...that's about it. You've gotta realize my parents aren't the sort of people that are curious about stuff...I mean...maybe my dad was...just a little...but not like your grandparents. You gotta remember, my dad barely finished high school and my mom only made it through the sixth grade...so with me it was different." For a long time they watched the waves crashing against the rocks in the darkness. Finally the cooling air and the discomfort of standing in their formal clothing drove them back to Mike's car to return to the university. As they crossed the quad and headed back to Ruthie's room, a young woman called out to Ruthie. She rolled her eyes and sighed, because it was Cristina Rosales. Mike could tell that Cristina was elated at finally having accomplished her task of tracking down the elusive Ruthie. Cristina chided Ruthie for being so hard to find, but she responded with the same answers that she had given her mother, that usually she was in the library until it closed. When Cristina talked about church, Ruthie brusquely responded that she was going to church with Mike, making it seem that was something they had been doing since they met. Mike chimed in: "We just got back from my church, in fact. That's why we're dressed like this." Cristina didn't have much more to say. It was obvious that she was not going to be able to recruit Ruthie into her congregation because she already had joined another church. She was disappointed, but she hugged Ruthie goodbye. Mike noticed his girlfriend tensing up as soon as the other girl touched her. Undoubtedly Cristina would report back to her mother that she had seen Ruthie returning from church with her boyfriend, and that information would re relayed back to Doña Lisette. Ruthie would not have to make up any more lies about church, because her mother would believe anything that Cristina had to say. Doña Lisette mistrusted her own daughter, but the daughter of her friend was a "good Christian girl" and therefore her word could be taken seriously. As soon at Cristina was out of sight, Mike flashed Ruthie a glance that clearly stated: "I told you..." She responded by hugging him. Yes, he had been right. Thanks to him and his ability to handle Doña Lisette, a major problem in her life was resolved. With the explosive issue of going to church settled, Ruthie could expect to have less stressful conversations with her mother, at least for the time being. Still, she deeply resented that her mother would not take her word, but would believe anything Cristina had to say. She did not see the irony that she had lied to her mother over the last two months about church and, therefore Doña Lisette had been very right about not trusting her. Even now, she was not telling anyone the truth; it was just that Mike helped her come up with a more convincing cover story. ---------- Because it was Thanksgiving week, there were only two days of classes before the long weekend. By midday Wednesday Davenport's student population had cleared out and the campus was almost totally deserted. The afternoon was fairly warm, which gave the couple the chance to do something that Ruthie had wanted to do for several weeks, a series of nude pictures of herself posing around the Davenport campus. Among the places they visited were the center of the Quad, where she posed in front of a couple of the dorm buildings. From there they went to the fountain at the Student Center and recreated the poses she had done for Halloween night, only this time in broad daylight. From the Student Center they walked along the main street of campus. She slipped off her dress and posed naked, but quickly put it back on when Mike saw a car coming. Because it was likely the driver saw her, they scurried behind the economics building. Once Mike was sure the driver of the car had not stopped, they walked over to Lot Econ-A and Ruthie stripped down again. She sat in her "private spot", but then walked out into the middle of the parking lot and struck some very naughty poses with a couple of parking meters. As the afternoon wore on Ruthie became more daring. They returned to the deserted Student Center and went into the main reception area. She stood in the middle of the room and struck a bunch of poses. She sat in the expensive leather chairs and climbed on the reception desk. She got on her elbows and knees and lewdly exposed herself to Mike's camera lens. She hurriedly slipped on her dress when Mike heard someone coming up the stairs. It was a member of the cleaning staff. The woman gave the couple a suspicious look, but fortunately had not come up quickly enough to see what they were doing. From the Student Center, they went to the Political Science Building. The building was officially closed, but Mike knew that a side door was always left unlocked for any graduate students who needed to get in after hours. The moment they were inside, Ruthie took off her dress and her shoes. Mike pushed the clothing into his backpack. Completely unencumbered by bothersome cloth, Ruthie walked through the entire building with Mike following her and taking dozens of pictures. As always, she loved the feeling of the cool air on her bare skin. They entered every classroom that was unlocked, and their adventure was documented with at least one picture in each room. Ruthie climbed on desks and wrote naughty messages on chalkboards. She posed by various windows that overlooked campus, leaving no doubt to anyone familiar with Davenport State University where the photos were being taken. As the photo shoot continued, the couple became more brazen with what they were doing. They narrowly missed being caught by a professor and a TA who were walking down one of the hallways. Mike stood in the hallway taking a picture of Ruthie as she was coming out of a classroom. Just an instant before she would have emerged into the main corridor Mike saw the other two coming up the stairs. He quickly motioned Ruthie to get back into the classroom. She stood against the wall next to the door while the professor approached Mike and peeked into the room. The instructor asked him what he was doing. "I'm doing a project for the art department. I'm getting some still-life studies of the classrooms." The professor suspiciously looked at Mike's camera. "Well, unless you cleared it with the front office, you're not supposed to be in here." "Please...I just need a few more shots, and I'll get out of here." The professor thought about it and responded: "I'm going to my office to pick up some papers. When I'm done, I expect you out of the building. Take your pictures and get out." "OK...no problem...thanks..." Mike stepped back to pretend he was taking a picture of the classroom door, then took a shot of the empty hallway. The professor and the TA disappeared into an office. Mike stuck his head into the classroom, where Ruthie was standing against the wall and breathing heavily. "They're gone?" "Yeah" Mike opened his backpack and pulled out Ruthie's dress. "Here you go. Let's..." Ruthie ignored Mike and stuck her head out the door. When she saw that the hallway was empty, she ran out towards the stairs. Panicked, Mike pushed her dress into the backpack and ran after her. She stopped on the landing and grabbed the railing. Her heart was pounding, but she was ready for more risk and more adventure. "Take my picture." "Are you crazy? Get your clothes on!" "No! You take my picture, or I'm not moving." Mike knew better than to argue with her when she was in one of her "adventure moods", so he dutifully took out his camera and took two pictures. As soon as the second picture was taken, she finished running down the stairs. She paused at the door, waiting for him to catch up. "I'm gonna run to the Rec. Center. You got a decent zoom on that camera?" "Yeah...but..." "Then follow me out." Mike's mouth was dry as he followed Ruthie to the door. He was terrified the professor was watching through the window to make sure he was leaving the building. If so, he would be treated to the sight of a very naked young woman running along the back sidewalk. However, he knew that with the mood she was in, Ruthie was going to be reckless and the more distance they put between themselves and the Political Science Building, the better. Ruthie exited onto the sidewalk and ran towards the Rec. Center, her bare bottom jiggling in the bright afternoon sunlight. As best he could, Mike followed her with his zoom lens and took several pictures before running after her. He caught up with her at a small door that lead into the locker room area of the Rec. Center. He expected it to be locked, but when Ruthie tried the doorknob, it opened. Without saying another word, she went in. There was no way that she was ready to quit. Now she wanted pictures of herself in the campus athletic center. Mike was not as nervous in the athletic center as he was when he exited the Political Science Building. They did not have to worry about running into any professors, but still what Ruthie wanted to do was risky. She darted into a room with several old workout machines and a bench press. She got onto a step-master and started working the steps. Mike took several shots of her before she changed over to the running machine. At that point he told her that he wanted her to run for several minutes before he started taking pictures, because he wanted her to "work up a good sweat" to make the shots as good as possible. He did want to take convincing pictures, but at the same time he figured that if she was running on a machine she could wear herself out and wouldn't be running somewhere out in the open where they were more likely to get caught. Ruthie was gasping and soaked with perspiration before Mike told her to quit running. He had taken nearly 30 pictures of her on the treadmill and had to change the battery in his camera. It seemed that having her stay on the running machine worked, because she calmed down and no longer wanted to streak through the rest of the Rec. Center. They sneaked into the men's locker room, where he took several more pictures of her in the shower. She dried herself with paper towels and finally was content to get dressed. They returned to the side door and exited the way they came in. When they returned to Mike's room, they both took off their clothes and downloaded a total of 320 photographs into both of their computers. A lot of the shots were really good. Ruthie hugged her boyfriend and congratulated him as a photographer, while he congratulated her as a model. The experience had been a real rush, especially for Ruthie. Already she was thinking about the next time, where they could do another photo session that would be really daring. "You know what I'd really like would be to do this in a city...you know like...out in the open..." Mike thought about Ruthie's idea. "I 'spose we could do it in San Francisco sometime. Maybe around the Castro District. We can look into it." She hugged him again. When she realized he was totally hard, she massaged his penis for a few seconds and then dabbed some lubricant into her vagina. Before they went home for Thanksgiving, she'd reward him for fulfilling one of her fantasies. A moment later she was on her hands and knees on his bed, as he vigorously thrust into her. ---------- The fun ended a few minutes later when Ruthie's uncle showed up to take her to Salinas for Thanksgiving. She reluctantly went with him, not looking forward to the prospect of spending four days stranded at her mother's apartment. Mike was equally sorry to see her go, but at that point each would have felt uncomfortable spending Thanksgiving with the other's family. Ruthie's ride back to Salinas was awkward. She would have preferred to have Gerardo or Rosa pick her up, because at least with those two she could have a conversation. Her uncle was a pure machista from Sinaloa and his 22 years in the US had not changed his outlook in the least. He was much less Americanized than her cousins and held views about women and family relationships that Ruthie found extremely offensive. Among other beliefs was the fact that he did not think women should go to college, which had made the semester very difficult for Rosa. By sheer determination and force of character she was attending community college, but with no support from her father at all. For Ruthie there was another issue that made her uncomfortable around her uncle. Six years before, when she got off the plane that completed her trip from Lincoln to San Jose, he was the very first person she saw in California. She was totally terrified of what was happening and was in tears, but during the drive from San Jose to Salinas he showed her no sympathy whatsoever. He seemed extremely distant and foreign to her, which was not helped when he became impatient with her for not knowing how to speak Spanish. Now that she knew how to speak Spanish the two could communicate much better, but he still thought that she was wasting her time and family resources by attending the university. Talking to the brusque Sinaloan reminded Ruthie that, whatever her faults, at least her mother understood how important it was for her to get out of Salinas and continue with her education as soon as she graduated high school. Doña Lisette knew full-well that her own choices in life had been severely curtailed by her lack of education, so she was determined that her daughter have the chance to study and get a better job. As soon as she was back in her mother's apartment Ruthie faced the usual grilling about church, but now that she had a church that she was attending Doña Lisette's questions were much less confrontational. Just the day before, she had received the happy news from her friend that Cristina had run into Mike and Ruthie as they were coming back from the service. She was more curious about Mike's church than anything else and listened with interest as Ruthie described the old hymns and the structured worship. Ruthie emphasized that her boyfriend grew up in his parents' church and knew the service by heart. She left out the detail that she and Mike were by far the youngest people sitting in a dwindling congregation. Finally the topic passed and Doña Lisette was satisfied, at least for the moment. ---------- The next day Ruthie and her mother walked over to her brother's house. Throughout her years in high school, Ruthie usually enjoyed holidays, which always were celebrated at her uncle's place. It was a chance to briefly escape the quiet dreary life she led in her mother's apartment and a chance to enjoy decent food. Doña Lisette always liked cheap simple food, but her uncle and his family enjoyed much more elaborate meals. Their backyard boasted a brick grill and a large deep fryer. There were coolers full of Coke, beer, and tequila; and usually a table full of bread, tortillas, sopapillas, and ice cream. On that day the backyard blared with Mariachi music and a cloud of greasy steam was rising up from the yard's newest addition, a deep fryer specifically for turkeys. Ruthie quickly linked up with Rosa and the two cousins compared notes on their experiences in college. Gerardo showed up with his very pregnant wife. Several family friends showed up and raided the ice chests for beer. The dinner promised to be the usual boisterous affair with people coming and going...and drinking... Ruthie tried picturing Mike trying to mingle among the crowd and really couldn't. She didn't enjoy crowds either, but on holiday dinners normally what she did was stick close to Rosa while the two young women waited for the food to be ready and for Gerardo to slip them glasses of tequila. Ruthie noted that Rosa seemed very apprehensive. She had noticed that over the weekend at Mega-Mart as well, but did not have the chance to ask her what was going on. It wasn't until the cousins were sitting alone with plates of fried turkey on their laps and glasses of tequila hidden behind their backs, that Ruthie finally had the chance to get an update on the happenings within the family. Not much had changed in the three months that Ruthie had been away, with one very big exception. In hushed Spanish Rosa pointed out her younger brother Alex: Ruthie was surprised, because her youngest cousin had been in the back yard all that time and she had not even realized it. His appearance was radically changed from the last time she had seen him, most notably by the fact he had shaved his head. He was with a couple of other very tough-looking teenagers and several girls. Rosa did not need to explain anything more, because Ruthie had seen enough during her years in high school to know what was going on. Alex's appearance and behavior clearly indicated that he was a "wannabee" for one of the town's main gangs. "Dad's in total denial about this," commented Rosa. "I mean...he's looking at Alex's bald head every day...and he won't accept that what it means is Alex wants to be a gang-banger." "What's Alex saying about it?" "...that he's shaving his head because he thinks it looks cool. Yeah...it looks cool alright...if you wanna be a gang-banger." Rosa and Ruthie watched Alex and his friends flash some gang signs. Then the group disappeared around the side of the house. Rosa glanced at Gerardo, but her older brother was distracted by his wife. The Outsider Ch. 15 "Gerardo was the only one who could keep Alex under control. For whatever reason, Dad doesn't want to deal with him. But now...you know...with the baby and everything...Gerardo doesn't have any time to worry about him either...and Dad's worried about his job...so he doesn't have any time...and Alex is getting himself jammed up at school..." "You've tried talking to him about it?" "Talking? To Dad? Are you kidding? Like Dad's gonna listen to me about Alex? Like he's ever listened to me about anything? Like he ever will?" The two women snuck sips from their glasses before setting them behind their backs. Rosa sighed and changed the subject. "So, what do you think about what happened to Emilia Asfura?" "Emilia? What happened to her?" "You didn't hear about it? It was all over the news." "No. I don't watch TV in Davenport. Don't have time. So what happened to her?" "She got shot. It was a hit. Her boyfriend was late with a drug payment or something...and so they sent this guy up from Mexico to shoot her...you know...to send his group a message." "Shit... So they know who did it?" "Yeah, but as soon as he pulled the trigger he went back south. He jumped across the border and called up here from Nogales. They even e-mailed a picture of her...with her face all blown up...you know...to her boyfriend." Ruthie did not know how to respond. She had known Emilia from sitting with her in several classes. Emilia had been a student with more promise than most of Ruthie's other classmates, but towards the end of Ruthie's senior year she started dating a member of the same gang that Alex was hoping to join. She was a year younger than Ruthie, which meant that she couldn't have been any older than 17 when she was killed. Rosa picked up her glass of tequila and drained it with a single swallow. "You're lucky you got that scholarship and got out of here. You are so fucking lucky. You don't have to deal with this shit everyday like I do." "Then you need to get out too, Rosa. Tell your dad to fuck himself and just get out." Rosa paused, but finally decided to trust an important piece of information with her cousin: "I am. I am getting out...but you can't tell this to anyone...what I'm about to say to you. Promise?" "I promise." "I joined the Army. I'm leaving for boot-camp right after Christmas. I am getting out of here. I was thinking about doing it anyway, but it was what happened to Emilia that made the decision for me." "But...the Army?" "I'm going in for six years. I've had it...with my dad...with Alex...with not having any money...I've had it!" "But...aren't you worried about going to Iraq? ...or Afghanistan?" "I probably will go there...one of those two places. The recruiter leveled with me about that. But right now I don't care. I just want out of here." Ruthie sighed, because for her the pending departure of Rosa was another piece of rotten news. Rosa was the one person in her family she felt had some common sense and some intelligence, and with whom she could hold a conversation. She would be very sorry to see her go. She also felt that Rosa was making a rash decision out of desperation and had not thought out what she was getting herself into. Yeah, Rosa, right now you might not care about going to Iraq...I bet you'll feel different about things once you get there.... Rosa looked at Ruthie's glass, which was still half full of tequila. "Are you gonna drink that?" When Ruthie shook her head, Rosa grabbed the glass and drained it with a single swallow. Ruthie knew she would have to spend the rest of the evening looking after her cousin, because it was obvious that she was drunk. ---------- As soon as Ruthie left campus, Mike got into his own car and drove to his father's house. He was not thrilled about the prospect of yet another tense Thanksgiving, but he knew that he owed it to his parents to spend time with them. He also wanted to see his sister and get an update from her on what was going on with Mr. Sinclair. His father did not look too good on Sunday when he brought Ruthie to the house. The Sinclairs were the type of family to whom traditions and holiday rituals were extremely important. While some families facing crises tended to drift away from traditional activities, that was not how Mr. and Mrs. Sinclair chose to deal with the financial collapse brought about by the loss of the family business. Instead, holiday rituals, like flying the flag and wearing a tie every day, were ways that Mr. Sinclair could hold on to portions of his old life and stay connected to the family's roots. As always, there would be the traditional Thanksgiving turkey, complete with a stuffing recipe and a pie recipe that were unique to the Sinclair family and had been part of Thanksgiving dinners since the family came to California in the 1930's. Still, Mike's time away from home and his education allowed him to observe the deterioration taking place in his family's house. It wasn't just the physical deterioration of the residence, but also the psychological toll on his parents. The Sinclairs were not having any open fights, but it was clear that the loss of their financial status had finished off the emotional bond between Mike's parents. Just like holidays, they went through the motions of their marriage just because there was nothing else for either of them to do. But, just as living without his business was wearing down Mr. Sinclair, Mrs. Sinclair's morale was declining because her husband was distant and unresponsive. She did not feel that she really could talk to him, nor did she feel there was anyone else she really could confide in. She knew a couple of the neighbors and a few women from church, but they had their own problems. Even if Mrs. Sinclair did feel she could confide in the women in her life, they would have listened out of courtesy, but not really cared what was going on. To a very limited extent Mr. Sinclair did confide in Mike's sister Colleen, so if anyone knew what was going on with Mike's parents, it would be Colleen. Mr. Sinclair had rented a storage unit in Colleen's name, and little by little was moving various items from the house that he felt were important for the family. When the lender foreclosed, the items in the storage unit would be out of reach because they were in Colleen's name, not Mr. Sinclair's. Colleen told her brother that from what she could tell, foreclosure could not be too far off because the storage unit was almost full. Mike could observe that the house had a sterile look to it, the family photos and heirlooms were gone and the only items remaining were furniture and appliances to which his father had no emotional attachment. ---------- There were the usual prayers before the Thanksgiving dinner. Out of respect for their parents and the history of the family Mike and Colleen went along, but they exchanged glances during the prayer...both thinking...what in the hell do we have to be thankful for? Like God's gonna turn things around for us? Like God's gonna make Mega-Mart and the blight they brought into our lives just vanish? Like God's gonna show us some sort of alternative? As the family ate their silent joyless dinner, Mike wondered how many other families across the US had done the same thing, have a prayer for the final Thanksgiving dinner they would ever eat in their own home...praying to an indifferent God who had turned his back on them...and on an entire nation. ---------- One of the few family pictures still on display in the living room showed Mike and Colleen with Mr. Sinclair and their grandfather standing in front of Lincoln's home in Springfield Illinois. Mike's grandfather had died shortly before the Pharmacy closed. In fact, Mike suspected that his father had borrowed some money just to keep the business open a few extra months so that his grandfather would not live to see it go under. Mike remembered that the family had not taken any of their road trips since the pharmacy closed. It would seem obvious that the trips ended because Mike's grandfather now was dead and his father no longer had much money, but he knew that was not the real reason. Mr. Sinclair changed when he lost his business; it seemed that the life went out of him, his curiosity about the outside world buried under a pile of financial problems. As he watched his silent moody father, Mike felt that in a way he already was dead. The Sinclairs' world was disappearing, and Mr. Sinclair was a part of that dying world. Mike was a product of that vanishing world as well. And yet, much of mentality of the lost hopes of the US middle-class remained with him, especially the anticipation that through personal action he could change where his country was heading...that if enough people resisted, maybe Mega-Town would be prevented from totally taking over. The Sinclairs' world had included hope, which the past four years had not been able to completely extinguish in Mike...in spite of everything that happened to his parents. ---------- After they finished eating, Mike and Mr. Sinclair spent a couple of hours watching a football game. Football never held any interest for Mike whatsoever, mainly because he always hated the obnoxious thugs who played it. But, once again, out of deference to tradition, he went along, vaguely wondering how many more chances he would have to sit with his father. The Outsider Ch. 16 Chapter 16 - Black Friday During the four days she spent in Salinas over Thanksgiving break, Ruthie got very little rest. She spent a good portion of Thanksgiving Day looking after Rosa and trying to make sure she didn't get a hold of any more Tequila. Ruthie plied her with water and Coke, trying to get her to sober up before she went to sleep. She became very angry at her cousin, not only for being drunk at a family gathering, but also for her decision to join the military. Still, Ruthie realized that dealing with Rosa gave her something to do for the rest of the day, something to keep her occupied and away from her family's other problems. At sundown Ruthie figured that her cousin was sober enough that she could be safely put to bed. Rosa stumbled into the bathroom one last time, and then passed out on her bed. Ruthie was both worried and disgusted, never having seen her cousin so drunk before. She lay down on top of the room's other bed, but had a hard time getting to sleep because of the noise from outside. Besides being bothered by the noise, it was hard for her to get comfortable because she was not used to sleeping in her clothes. Ruthie knew that she needed to get as much rest as she could early on, because at 2:30 am her mother woke up both younger women and told them to get into one of the cars. They groaned in protest as Doña Lisette shook them awake. Rosa still was hung-over and Ruthie dreaded the day that lay ahead. A few minutes later, two carloads of Ruthie's family and an extra pick-up truck joined a long line of cars moving towards the Watsonville Mega-Center. Yes, indeed...Ruthie had been drafted by her mother to participate in the most disgusting holiday spectacle of all, shopping on Black Friday. Ruthie had gone through Black Friday shopping enough times to know what to expect. There would be a two-hour wait in line in a dark parking lot before the doors opened at 5:00 am, then the mad dash to the electronics section to try to get sales items "while supplies lasted", then the endless pushing and grabbing in the clothing department, a stop at the Christmas decorations, and finally a stop to buy cartloads of food. The whole day would consist of standing in line and jostling other people. For someone like Ruthie, who tended to be claustrophobic in restricted crowded spaces, Black Friday shopping was pure torment. The family took their places in a very long line that wrapped around the Mega-Mart. She looked at her cousin's pale sick face, then listened to several people ahead of her group argue whether or not it was "fair" for a person to leave the line and expect to get back in. She listened to unhappy children whining or crying, and to several arguments in both English and Spanish. Rosa was in a horrible mood from her hangover, Ruthie was in a horrible mood because she did not want to be anywhere near a Mega-Mart at 3:00 in the morning on Black Friday, and the older women were in bad moods because they felt their daughters were being ungrateful and uncooperative. Ruthie looked around. Already there were thousands of other uncomfortable and irritated shoppers lined up in the parking lot. The mood of the crowd was not pleasant at all. The minutes dragged by and the line behind Ruthie's family grew ever larger and ever more restless. Shoppers jostled at the building's entrance and began pushing to better position themselves to get in quickly. Ruthie started having a bad feeling about what was going to happen the moment the Mega-Mart employees finally opened the doors. She wanted to beg her relatives to give up on the shopping trip, but the only person she felt she could talk to was her cousin. Rosa replied: "When we get in there, the only place I'm going is the bathroom." "Rosa, I don't like this. Too many people...and they don't have any security out here." Rosa waved off her cousin's concerns. "We go through this shit every year. It's always the same. Nothing's gonna happen." A half an hour later the doors opened and the crowd surged forward. There was a crush as the group pushed towards the entrance. Bodies pressed ever more tightly against Ruthie and Rosa. It became hard to breathe and Ruthie lost sight of her mother. She could tell that Rosa was frightened by the sudden pressure on her body from the crowd. Ruthie was apprehensive as well, but she was not surprised. Her pessimistic outlook had prepared her to expect that something could go very wrong once those doors opened. The next few minutes were some of the scariest of Ruthie's life. As the crush of bodies tightened, she found breathing increasingly difficult. She also realized that she and Rosa would be in very serious danger if either of them tripped. The crowd swayed back and forth and her feet constantly were bumping up against the feet of her neighbors. Once Rosa did trip, but Ruthie held on to her arm and with all of her strength managed to help keep her on her feet. Finally Ruthie and her family made it through the door, but the crush of bodies only seemed to get worse. Shoppers continued to push through the door, but the crowd no longer was moving forward. To her right she heard someone shouting: "Get off! Get off!" A group of people next to her fell suddenly. Just as she lost her balance and was about to fall, Gerardo grabbed Ruthie's arm and pulled her to the left. More people fell and started to scream. Gerardo grabbed Ruthie again and pushed her towards the window. A second later Rosa stumbled against her. Gerardo shouted: "Keep moving! Away from the door!" Ruthie grabbed Rosa's hand and pushed through a cluster of people that slowly were moving forward again, towards the pharmacy. The crowd emerged into an open area of the store and thinned out. Once they got past the danger, many people ignored the disaster and started running towards the coveted sales items. Ruthie and Rosa stepped back towards the window, waiting for the other members of their group to come out. Ruthie saw the top of Gerardo's head in the mob. Gerardo emerged with his own mother a second later, along with another family friend. He pushed several panicky people aside and extracted the final member of his group, Doña Lisette. Ruthie's mother was gasping for air and had a thoroughly horrified expression on her face. Her purse was gone and a shoe was missing, but otherwise she was OK. Ruthie hugged her. Ruthie's relatives moved past the checkout area, along with dozens of other dazed shoppers. There was no time to think about running towards the "while supplies last" deals, because it was obvious that things were terribly wrong near the main entrance. Security guards were frantically trying to disperse the crowd and get to a group of people who had fallen. The scene became increasingly chaotic as more and more shoppers were pushed through the doors and fell on top of the ones lying on the floor. There was screaming, yelling and cursing. Alarms in the store went off, but the noise only added to the panic among the crowd. Ruthie looked through the window, noticing shoppers still outside pushed against the glass. Those people were only a few feet away from her, but there was not a thing she could do to help them. Anyhow, the only thing on her mind was staying close behind Gerardo and not letting go of her mother's hand. The family continued moving away from the front entrance in the midst of dozens of other frantic people. Gerardo shouted at the others to go to the gardening department at the back end of the Mega-Center. The crowd surrounding Ruthie had dispersed, but the screaming coming from the front of the store seemed louder than ever. As they exited into the fenced area containing gardening supplies, Ruthie's family could hear sirens in the parking lot. Firemen and paramedics came in through the back of the store and rushed past them. They heard loudspeakers announcing that the Mega-Center was closing. That announcement was accompanied by shouts of anger from many of the shoppers who had already made it into the store and had picked up sales items. Ruthie heard several things inside breaking. She correctly assumed the crashes were from disappointed shoppers smashing things they had picked up but would not be allowed to buy. They exited through the gardening center, after being checked by a Mega-Mart security guard to make sure they were not carrying any merchandise. Ruthie's family walked around the back of the building, passing the loading docks to return to their cars. Everyone was badly shaken up. It was clear that Rosa no longer needed to use the restroom, because her jeans were soaked. Ruthie's mother still was missing a shoe. Her aunt had twisted an ankle and needed to be helped as she walked. They were a forlorn group as they slowly made their way in the pre-dawn fog towards the front of the store, their shopping trip a total disaster. It took hours to get out of the parking lot. The exits had to be blocked off to give priority to emergency services. Ruthie and her relatives noticed ambulance after ambulance leaving. Later Ruthie's family would find out how lucky they were, given what had happened only a few feet from where they had come in through the entrance. The tragedy started when a Mega-Mart employee was pushed to the floor by the first wave of shoppers entering the store. For several seconds the people coming in managed to step over him, but then a woman was pushed over the employee and fell. Several more people fell on top of her. Eventually more than 100 shoppers and employees lay piled on the floor, eight of whom died and 60 others who were seriously injured. Another man had a heart attack when he was pushed against the front window and his pace-maker quit working. Among the people pressed against the window there were several other serious injuries. Gerardo told his relatives that he was standing right next to several shoppers who fell and that it was only by pure luck he did not go down with them. There was another piece of good fortune. Gerardo's wife planned to accompany the group on the shopping trip, but at the last moment felt sick and changed her mind. No one wanted to imagine what would have happened if a woman who was eight months pregnant had been with them during the stampede. It was well past sunrise, but finally the three cars of Ruthie's group turned onto the highway going south, to return to Salinas empty-handed. Doña Lisette chatted incessantly about the need to be grateful to Jesus for having spared them. Ruthie sat quietly in the back seat, viewing the experience from a totally different perspective. As she sat listening to her mother rattle on about Jesus and smelling her cousin's piss, Ruthie resolved that she would never set foot in a Mega-Mart again. She always had hated the store anyway, but she "went along" to avoid an argument. Well, now she had a perfect justification for not "going along" anymore. As much as she'd like to avoid it, she would have to tell Mike what had happened. Undoubtedly he would hear about it on the news and wonder if she had been at the store. She'd have to fess up and admit that yes, not only had she been at the store, she had been right in the middle of the stampede. His reaction would be predictable: he would say that Mega-Mart brought out the worst in people because it was the world's worst manifestation of rampant capitalism. He was right, of course, because the company's sales tactics, designed to bring hoards of panicky shoppers to the store to be the lucky "winner" of a wide screen TV that was being sold at a loss, fed on greed. As Mike would always say, greed will turn any person into a demented savage. He now had nine deaths and 60 injuries to back up that statement. Greed will turn any person into a demented savage. ---------- Mike and his family never went anywhere near a store on Black Friday. Instead they went for a drive towards the Napa Valley and had a picnic with the remains of the previous day's turkey. It was a chance to forget the present and pretend that the more pleasant years family's past had continued uninterrupted. Mike's sister was, as usual, a bit uneasy, but even she was able to set aside her worries and just relax. The family did not bother to let anything serious enter into their conversation...they kept to light subjects such as the various points of interests in the valley. It was dark by the time they got back. Upon returning to his room, Mike had a message on his cell phone. It was a call from Ruthie, telling him that she was OK and her family was safe. They had a bad scare at the Mega-Center, but they got out unhurt and were safely back in Salinas. A bad scare at the Mega-Center? Mike immediately turned on the TV. Sure enough, the headline news was the morning's tragedy at the Watsonville Mega-Mart. There was footage of columns of ambulances leaving the parking lot and interviews with witnesses. There also were interviews with company officials, whose responses ranged from blaming the shoppers for being careless to praising the "great American consumer" for being so determined to shop, no matter how adverse the conditions might be. "This incident, while unfortunate, shows that American capitalism is the best system there is and how people are looking for value in their purchases...The American consumer is the most determined consumer in the world...Nothing will stop the American consumer, not even an unfortunate tragedy like what happened today..." Mike stared dumbfounded at the news report, horrified that the woman he loved had been right in the middle of all that. He called her, but she seemed somewhat irritated: "It's like I told you, Mike. I'm fine. Everyone here is fine. I mean...we're a bit shaken up...but we're all fine. I'll tell you about it when I see you on campus. I don't wanna talk about it over the phone. I'm fine. Really..." Mike hung up, a bit bewildered. Obviously Ruthie was traumatized and not "fine". However he knew that it would be better to wait and talk to her in person...as she had requested. ---------- That night, Mike finally got around to reading Ruthie's favorite book, "Pedro Paramo". It was one of the most depressing narratives he had ever read, but from the beginning he could see why the story had been so influential in Latin American literature. And to think, that no gringo, apart from the ones who made it three years into a Spanish major, had ever heard of the novel or its author Juan Rulfo. More importantly for Mike, by reading "Pedro Paramo", felt that Juan Rulfo was giving him a good glimpse into Ruthie's unhappy soul. The hot, desolate, abandoned setting of the story matched her perceptions of how the future of the world would play out. As for an insight of how she viewed herself, Mike read the following: "I don't know, Juan Preciado. After so many years of never lifting up my head, I forgot about the sky. And even if I had looked up, what good would it have done? The sky is so high and my eyes so clouded that I was happy just to know where the ground was. Besides, I lost all interest when Padre Rentería told me I would never know glory. Or even see it from a distance ... It was because of my sins, but he shouldn't have told me that. Life is hard enough as it is. The only thing that keeps you going is the hope that when you die you'll be lifted off this mortal coil; but when they close one door and the only one left open is the door to Hell, you are better off not being born ... for me, Juan Preciado, heaven is right here." "And your soul? Where do you think it's gone?" "It's probably wandering like so many others, looking for living people to pray for it. It probably hates me for the way I treated it, but I don't worry about that any more. And now I don't have to listen to its whining about remorse. Because of it, the little I ate turned bitter in my mouth, it haunted my nights with black thoughts of the damned. When I sat down to die, my soul prayed for me to get up and drag on with my life, as if it still expected some miracle to cleanse me of my sins. I didn't even try. 'This is the end of the road', I told it. 'I don't have the strength to go on.' And I opened my mouth for it to escape. And it went. I knew when I felt the little thread of blood that bound it to my heart drip into my hands." Mike read through "Pedro Paramo" in a single sitting. It was 3:00 in the morning when he finished. The book's bleak message of hopelessness deeply moved him, because in that story he saw Ruthie's soul. He got up and put on a pair of shorts and a jacket. He wouldn't be able to sleep and he couldn't stay in the quiet house. He'd have to go out. Mike walked around the decaying neighborhood, more aware than ever that he was part of a United States that was passing into memory. The middle class, suburbia, the work ethic, small businesses, and the independent spirit that had been central to the United States was fading out, the spirit of its people crushed under the indifferent phenomenon of corporate globalization. Mike was part of that past. Even though he was only 20, he knew that he had been born to live in world that no longer existed. The planet of the future, the world being consolidated under Mega-Town Associates, was not a world that he could, or would, want to live in. Ruthie's right about that...there's no hope. She knows... Mike walked along the deserted sidewalks in the chilly pre-dawn darkness. He passed several "for sale" signs, including ones that had the added description "bank owned". "Bank owned"... foreclosure properties...the fruits of a credit-based economy. The majority of the houses that were still occupied had SUV's sitting in driveways. SUV's...the past decade's most prominent symbol of an era of debt, wastefulness, and conspicuous consumption that had finished off the hope that the US could look forward to any future other than a painful decline. Mike's thoughts returned to the desolate words of "Pedro Paramo". Just like the fictional Comala of Juan Rulfo's novel, the suburb of Mike's childhood was becoming ever more abandoned...ever more lost and hopeless. He was reminded of a passage from Ruthie's book: "From that day the fields lay untended. Abandoned. It was a sad thing to see what happened to the land, how plagues took over as soon as it lay idle. For miles around, people fell on hard times. Men packed up in search of a better living. I remember when the only sound in Comala was good-byes..." Mike's thoughts turned to his girlfriend. He reflected that exactly 24 hours before; she had been at the Mega-Center waiting in line with her relatives. Hopefully at the moment he was thinking about her, Ruthie was safely in bed...not standing out in some godforsaken parking lot. He badly wanted to see her...because he loved her more than ever. Through spending a night reading her favorite book, he felt that he really understood her. Her soul was much darker than he had imagined, but in that darkness was the real truth behind life. She understood that life had no meaning, and there was no hope. The only meaning he would find in his own life would come from the time he shared with her. ---------- Over the next two days Doña Lisette gave her testimony in church, thanking Jesus for the miracle at the Mega-Center and the blessing that spared her and her daughter from the clutches of Satan. The fellow church-goers loudly concurred with "Amen!" and "Praise Jesus!" Of course, Ruthie had to stand next to her mother as she spoke as a living testament of Jesus' generosity. She held her tongue and played along...forcing a smile and trying to be patient. Her mother needed to have her moment...even if it was her cousin Gerardo, and not Jesus, who deserved the credit for saving them from being trampled. Ruthie's relatives did not try to do any more Christmas shopping that weekend, much to her relief. The Mega-Center re-opened on Saturday with the same long lines and hoards of shoppers pouring into the store in the pre-dawn hours. The store hired more security and had better crowd control, so the panic from the day before was not repeated. However, Doña Lisette had no desire to "test the Lord's patience" by repeating her trip to the store; while both Ruthie and Rosa flatly stated that any new foray to a Mega-Mart would have to be made without them. The Outsider Ch. 16 ---------- Over Friday and Saturday night Ruthie slept in her old bedroom. She had been away from home for only three months, but she felt uneasy sleeping in that room, as though she didn't belong there. Already she was changing...leaving behind the person she had been in Salinas: she had changed and the room had not. Still, the bedroom had many memories for Ruthie. For six years it had been both her refuge and her prison, where she spent most of her time hiding out from the gang-life of her neighborhood. It was the place where had made all those discoveries through her reading, where she had progressed through her knowledge of the outside world, and ultimately where she had acquired the facts she needed to abandon her faith. There were other memories, brought back to her by a full-length mirror on the door. She had spent endless hours standing in the nude, looking at herself and sinfully exploring her own body. She looked through her meager possessions, wondering what she additional items she might want to take with her to Davenport...and perhaps show to Mike. There were a couple of books she decided to put in her backpack, and a few pieces of clothing that she had forgotten to pack in August. Not much else...just a picture album of some photos from Nebraska...might as well take it and show Mike what she looked like when she was in grade school...and her grandmother...and her father... She slammed the album shut when she saw her father's face. She tossed it back into the drawer. She did not want to be reminded...at least not now. Then she reconsidered. She took the album out and put it in her backpack. At some point she'd have to face her memories...maybe the best way to do that would be to share them with Mike...or perhaps with Dr. Hartman. There was another item from her past that Ruthie came across...an old-fashioned wooden bath-brush that her mother had brought up from Mexico. The implement was heavy and made from solid wood, with a smooth wide back. It was totally different from the flimsy plastic bath-brushes normally sold in the US. Ruthie held the brush and ran her palm over the uncompromising surface. She touched the bristles with her fingertips, noting that they were almost new. The bath-brush had spent most of the past four years in a drawer hidden behind her clothing, and had never been used for its intended purpose. Ruthie grabbed the brush by the handle and tapped the flat side against the palm of her hand. She closed her eyes for a moment...remembering how, for about half a year, it was a very important part of her "me time". She first saw the brush when she was in the ninth grade. She was cleaning the apartment and saw it under the bathroom sink, pushed behind some bottles of detergent. She knew that her mother must have left it there and forgotten that she had it. For several months Ruthie gave the brush no further thought, but one day she overheard a classmate talking about her sister being spanked over the weekend. Ruthie sat quietly and listened with fascination as the other girl described how her mother forced the girl to pull down her shorts and hit her on the bare bottom with a "big long brush". Ruthie's heart beat faster as she listened to the classmate's casual remarks. She so badly wanted to ask the other girl for details, but she had to stay quiet because she was merely overhearing the conversation, not participating in it. The next morning, after her mother had left for work, she got up and retrieved the bath-brush. For a long time she stood with it in front of the mirror, touching it to her bottom and masturbating. The thought of being punished on the bare bottom with a brush like the one she was holding was a total turn-on for her. She fantasized about being punished along with her classmate's sister, being told to bend over with her bare bottom on prominent display and her knees trembling, waiting for the agonizing swats. Ruthie's punishment fantasies never included any thoughts about her own mother. Doña Lisette was very strict with Ruthie and frequently grabbed her hair or slapped her, but always struck her across the face. To punish Ruthie by pulling down her panties and forcing her to expose herself was something she never would have considered doing, given her views on modesty. Anyhow, at that time Ruthie hated her mother, so the girl's fantasies always involved other authority figures...never Doña Lisette. For several days Ruthie contented herself with masturbating in front of the mirror and taking pictures of herself posing with the brush. Finally, she decided to start punishing herself. She knew that she was a sinful girl who needed a proper punishment. She was full of religious guilt over her constant sexual adventures in the apartment, so if she could figure out how to spank herself... She tried to give her bottom a couple of swats with the brush. Her aim was bad and she hit herself on the hip instead of the bottom. She tried several positions before she figured out that the best way for her to reach her bottom was to hold onto the arm of a living room chair and bend over slightly, but not all the way. She learned the best grip, one that would allow the brush to hit both sides of her bottom with equal force. After several mornings of trial and error, Ruthie finally was ready to give herself a proper spanking. She struck hard 10 times, alternating bottom-cheeks and wincing at the hot sting. The pain was scary, but she was totally aroused. She rubbed herself but did not allow herself to climax. She struck her bottom another 10 times...took a deep breath, and then hit herself 10 more times...as hard as she could. She gasped at the pain and her eyes filled with tears. She looked at herself in the mirror. Already her bottom had changed color and was a deep pink, almost red. She set the timer on the camera and posed for several pictures, with her reddening bottom on full display in the shots. Ruthie was totally aroused by what she had just done to herself. The red color on her skin and the warm burning sensation coming from her backside excited her in a way she had never experienced before. She spent the next several minutes enjoying the best orgasm of her life. Finally she calmed down, totally scared of what had just happened. God had seen all of that. Surely she would suffer for her sick behavior. Frightened, she put the brush away, got dressed, and prayed for forgiveness. Badly shaken, she went to school. A month passed before Ruthie worked up the nerve to spank herself again, but the excitement and guilt from that first self-inflicted punishment never left her thoughts. She hid the electronic card from camera so she would not have to delete the pictures she had taken. During her "me time" she looked at the images and replayed the memory of the swats in her mind. She felt guilty, but not guilty enough to delete the pictures. The second time she spanked herself, Ruthie was determined to take 50 swats. The second spanking was different, because the pain was so intense that she found it very hard to finish. When she completed the fourth set, tears were running down her cheeks, her arm was cramped, and her knees were shaking. She did not really want to continue, but she realized that she would berate herself if she did not give herself the full punishment. She took a deep breath, positioned herself, and hit as hard as she could. She hoped that, maybe if punished herself hard enough, she'd get over this sick desire. POP! POP! POP! POP! POP! POP! POP! POP! POP! POP! She looked at herself in the mirror, admiring the deep red color left by the 50 swats. Her bottom was swollen, numb, and much darker from the second spanking. She couldn't resist taking more pictures. The familiar sexual desire hit her, stronger than ever. She stood in front of the camera and played with herself, masturbating as the flash went off. She set a new goal for herself: to photograph herself having an orgasm. Over the next six months Ruthie's thoughts and sexual desires went through the same cycle. About once each month she would spank herself with the brush, take some pictures, and enjoy a series of intense orgasms. Then she would feel guilty for being such a pervert and worry about God punishing her. Eventually, when nothing happened and there was no Divine punishment, the desire for another spanking would build up. Each spanking was more severe than the previous one. She learned to hit harder and space out the swats to prolong the punishment. She was strict with herself: if a swat landed badly or was not painful enough, it did not count and she would repeat it. As her endurance improved she committed herself to more swats. She was especially proud of herself on her 16th birthday, when she managed to give herself 100 hard smacks. She loved it when she could get welts to form on her bottom. When she went to school after each spanking, she enjoyed the secret sensation of sitting in class, feeling the bruises on her backside. ---------- Ruthie's exploration into self-inflicted punishment ended as quickly as it began. One morning about a month after she turned 16, Ruthie managed to give herself the most severe spanking ever, 150 hard swats. She knew that her bottom would be badly bruised from the punishment for several days, but that was what she wanted. However, the bruises were meant for her eyes only, she had no intention of letting anyone else see them. Unfortunately for Ruthie, on the same day that she spanked herself, the school's female gym teacher conducted a body-mass test and weigh-in for all of the 10th graders. The girls had to line up in the hallway, go one-by-one into the medical office, and strip to their underwear for the weigh-in and body mass index measurement. Ruthie's heart pounded as she stood in line, but she could not figure out how to get out of doing the test and stripping to her underwear in front of a school official. She was too much of a "good girl" to simply get out of line and run off the school property. When she entered the medical office, she reluctantly followed the order to take off her shirt and skirt. She tried to keep her back against the wall, but the more she resisted moving to the center of the room, the more suspicious the teacher became. Finally she snapped: "Ruthie, this physical is a school requirement. You will move to the center of the room. Now. If you don't, you will flunk Phys Ed and you can just repeat the 10th grade." Ruthie did as she was told. She gasped and went white when the older woman saw her bottom and whispered: "Oh my God..." Ruthie's underwear consisted of normal white panties that covered most of her bottom, but the dark bruises and welts were clearly visible around the garment's edges. She knew that. Her secret had been discovered, by her gym teacher, no less. The teacher let her get dressed without doing the weigh-in or body-fat test, but told her that during lunch time she needed to return to her office for a "private conference". Two hours later a tearful and terrified Ruthie returned and took a seat in front of the school official. "I need to take a report from you and find out who it was that hit you. You understand that we are required to report cases of physical abuse to California social services." Raw terror swept through Ruthie. She was panicky and fidgeting wildly. What on earth was she going to say? She couldn't tell the truth, because that would sound too bizarre. She thought about inventing a boyfriend and blaming him, but it wouldn't take much to figure out that story was not true. So she made up a lie, saying that it was her mother who had punished her because she had caught her with a CD that she had shoplifted. At first it seemed that Ruthie had just made the situation much worse, because the teacher replied that her mother would have to be ordered to get some counseling. In a panicky voice Ruthie begged the gym teacher not to say anything. She added another lie to her story, claiming that her mother was undocumented, and if she were deported, Ruthie would have no where to live. "Please...please...you can't get her in trouble! It was my fault! Really! I stole the CD! Please don't get the INS on her!" The gym teacher realized the girl was in a no-win situation. It was true that any possibility, no matter how slight, of her mother being picked up by the INS and deported would ruin her life. She was one of the school's best students, one of the few who did what she was told and would definitely graduate if her life was not disrupted. Suddenly the teacher decided to back down on her plan to file the report. She contented herself with telling Ruthie that if she needed to talk about her troubles at home, "her door was always open". The crisis passed, but the panic Ruthie felt that day stayed with her. She was weighted down with guilt for what she had done to her mother; blaming her for something that was not her fault at all, and on top of that lying about her immigration status. In spite of the gym teacher's assurance that she would stay quiet unless there was another incident of abuse, Ruthie was terrified that Doña Lisette would somehow find out what had happened and what she had said about her. Ruthie resolved never to spank herself again. It was not hard to keep that promise, because the memory of the terror and humiliation she had felt in the teacher's office would totally ruin the experience in the future. Besides, Ruthie knew that the gym instructor would be watching her and would tell other teachers to keep an eye on her as well. She pushed the brush to the back of her dresser, buried it under some clothes, and forgot about it for three years. ---------- As Ruthie examined the brush, she thought about putting it back in her dresser, or perhaps finally returning it to its proper place under the bathroom sink. However, in the end, she decided to sneak it into her backpack and take it with her. Like the photo album, the brush was part of her experience growing up and was associated with some of her most intense memories. ---------- On Sunday afternoon Mike called Ruthie and asked if she wanted him to give her a ride back to Davenport. She eagerly accepted. Gerardo had offered to take her back in the evening, but Ruthie was more than ready to get out of Salinas, after having spent two days at church trying to humor her mother and her friends. When Doña Lisette overheard Ruthie talking to her boyfriend, she told her daughter that she wanted Mike to come into the apartment. Ruthie cringed, but dutifully relayed the request. Doña Lisette was still excited about benefiting from God's mercy and still convinced that Jesus had spoken directly to her by saving her and her daughter from the stampede. She was eager to share the miracle with anyone willing to listen, which made Mike an obvious target. Ruthie fidgeted nervously as Doña Lisette recounted, in graphic detail, the stampede and the family's narrow escape. Ruthie noticed her mother exaggerating some of her facts. For example, Ruthie knew that the real danger had lasted only a few minutes, but to listen to her mother would make one think that they had been crushed and trampled for hours. Ruthie knew that her mother was not lying; that she believed what she was saying. However, as soon as they were out of earshot of Doña Lisette, she'd have to set Mike straight on what really happened at the Mega-Center. As they drove northward, Ruthie filled in some details and corrected her mother's exaggerations. She also repeated the promise that she and Rosa had made to each other, that neither would ever set foot in a Mega-Mart again. For a few minutes she sat quietly, watching the vegetable fields pass by. Mike could tell that, in spite of her calm retelling of what actually happened to her on Black Friday, she still was traumatized. He said nothing, thinking it would be better to let her talk again when she wanted to. Finally she did have something to add to their conversation: "Mike...I uh...kinda have a favor to ask from you." "OK." "You know your Mega-Town t-shirts? With the pig insult?" Mike looked at her and nodded. "Can you get me a couple? I'm gonna guess I'd take a size medium." "Sure...you bet! ...and you'll wear 'em?" Ruthie nodded. Like her boyfriend, her hatred of Mega-Town Associates now was personal. After what she had just lived through and observed, she too would wear the infamous slogan: MTA - The Pig is your Mistress! Serve her well! The Outsider Ch. 17 Chapter 17 - A letter from Nebraska Mike was happy to have Ruthie accompany him on the trip to Davenport, but as they neared the university, Ruthie's mood deteriorated. She had planned to study for several finals over Thanksgiving break, but she had neither the time nor the desire to concentrate on course material. She had been dragged to her mother's church for hours on both Saturday and Sunday, and dealing with her mother's version of the Mega-Mart stampede did not give her much of a chance to deal with her own trauma. Now that she finally was sitting alone with Mike and quietly watching through the window of his car, she had the chance to have some thoughts to herself. When they returned to campus, Mike was so enthused about Ruthie's request to wear an anti-Mega-Town t-shirt that he insisted on first stopping by the office of the Danubian Solidarity Committee to get her a couple of shirts. He knew that Ruthie really took a size small, but because she hated tight-fitting clothing she wanted mediums. He handed her two shirts and dropped a $ 20 bill in the group's cash box. Without saying anything, Ruthie changed her top. The sight of her body, for a moment completely naked above the waist, filled him with desire, but she ignored him. Once she was changed, he locked the office. Shannon had not yet returned, so Ruthie decided to spend the evening studying in her own room. Mike was hugely disappointed at the thought of having to return to his room alone, but his girlfriend was in an unpleasant mood and he knew that night would be a very bad time to approach her about sex. Maybe it was just as well, because he had to his own term paper to work on. He kissed her goodnight and went back to his own dorm. Ruthie locked the door, took off all of her clothing, and lay down on her bed to study. It took a while, but finally she was able to push the trauma of the Mega-Mart panic to the back of her mind and concentrate on studying and taking notes. She studied peacefully for about three hours. At 10:00 she heard a loud thump, followed by a fist banging on the door. She scrambled to put on her shorts and her new Mega-Town t-shirt. "Come-on, open the piece of shit up!" Ruthie opened the dead-bolt. Shannon came storming in and thrust her finger into her roommate's face. "Look you stupid bitch! How many times have I told you not to lock the fucking dead-bolt? How many fucking times?" "Well you weren't here...and if I'm gonna be here by myself I'm gonna lock the door. That's what they told us to do in orientation..." "Why? What for? Like anyone would want to fuck your ugly ass? Please...give me a fucking break!" Ruthie was about to do something that she had not done all semester, stand up to Shannon. Her traumatic weekend, coupled with the confidence her time with Mike had given her over the past several weeks, had focused her enough that for once she was not numbed with depression. She responded: "Look, Shannon! We're supposed to lock our doors! It's in the safety handbook and if you don't like it, then take it up with Crystal!" (Crystal was the name of the floor Resident Advisor) "I'm not taking shit up with Crystal! That's none of her business! You leave the fucking door unlocked or you and me are gonna have trouble!" Ruthie locked the door. "Take it up with Crystal! I'm just following the rule! If you don't like it, take it up with her!" "You fucking bitch!" Shannon pushed Ruthie out of the way and unlocked the door. Ruthie slipped back and re-locked it. Shannon, who was suffering from a hangover and in a foul mood, was incensed that her pathetic nerd roommate was "giving her shit". She laid a fearsome slap across Ruthie's face and unlocked the door. For a moment Ruthie was too stunned to react, but then she did exactly what she needed to do. She did not try to retaliate, but instead left the room to find Crystal and report the incident. Shannon yelled after her: "Yeah, that's right, you little cry-baby! Go tell the RA!" Fortunately Crystal was in her room. When she opened the door, Ruthie had a red handprint on her face. There was no denying the incident because the physical evidence was clearly there. Crystal took the matter seriously, not because she had any sympathy for Ruthie, but because Shannon had given her plenty of trouble throughout the semester and she was among the residents the RA most hated. Crystal accompanied Ruthie back to her room to confront Shannon. Ruthie's roommate did not deny hitting Ruthie, but claimed that Ruthie "started it by giving me a bunch of shit" and that she had pushed her first. Ruthie indignantly denied pushing Shannon, but both roommates agreed that the fight had started over whether or not the door should be locked. The dispute over the lock put Ruthie at an advantage because she was following campus policy and Shannon was hassling her for it. Crystal admonished Shannon for hitting her roommate, because any physical intimidation in the dorms was strictly against campus policy and was cause for expulsion from the dorm system. Ruthie's hopes rose that perhaps Shannon had crossed a line with her behavior and might get kicked out. Shannon realized that as well, and suddenly backed down, at least in front of Crystal. However, she gave Ruthie a very nasty look, letting her know that the matter definitely was not settled. Ruthie clearly understood that Shannon had every intention of retaliating. Having gone as far as she had, she knew that there would be hell to pay the moment she and Shannon were alone...so she would have to see to it that she never was alone with her roommate again. She flatly stated that she wanted to call the campus police and file charges for assault, and that she wanted to move out of the room immediately. The anger from being mistreated an entire semester suddenly exploded. Ruthie shouted: "I want this bitch arrested! I've had it with her! I've had it with her shit! She hit me and I want her in jail!" Crystal told Ruthie to calm down, or else she'd be written up as well. She realized that the simmering crisis between the two roommates had exploded and there was no way there was going to be any quiet resolution. Anyhow, the RA had been looking for a good reason to formally reprimand Shannon: obviously hitting her roommate was about as good a reason as she could get. The fight quickly got worse when Shannon's friends came out of their rooms and took her side against Ruthie and the RA. They insulted Ruthie and berated Crystal for forcing Shannon to put up with such a creep all semester. Crystal realized that she had just set herself up against an entire clique of floor residents, but fortunately once she took a position, she stuck with it. She told everyone that the fight between Ruthie and Shannon had nothing to do with them, and they had no business coming out into the hallway just to threaten her and insult Ruthie. When Shannon's friends refused to go back to their rooms, Crystal held out her clipboard and started writing down names. "That's fine! I'll just write all of you up! If you think I'm gonna take any shit, you are wrong!" Shannon's friends knew better than to openly confront the RA, so they retreated to one of their rooms. It was clear that Shannon was furious when they left her, but it didn't matter because she would get even with Ruthie the moment the RA was out of sight. Ruthie realized that as well. She asked Crystal for permission to get her cell phone. "Why?" "I'm calling my boyfriend. I'm getting my stuff out of that room!" "You can't. The semester's not over." "Crystal, I don't feel safe in that room anymore! I'm getting out! I can't deal with Shannon! If I have to sleep in the Geology building that's fine, but I'm moving out...now!" Crystal had to make a quick decision, whether or not Ruthie was "authorized" to move out of her room. She had been warned against allowing students to change rooms for fear that would set a precedent and undermine the dorm's assignments. However, both the RA and the university could face legal action if she forced Ruthie back into that room with Shannon and she got beat up. She decided it would be better to let the resident take out her stuff. She called the dorm director, and when he did not pick up, she made another snap decision, to let her resident take a vacant room on the building's top floor. "Get your boyfriend then. Room 508 doesn't have anyone in it right now. You can take your stuff up there and sleep there tonight." When she saw the happy look in Ruthie's eyes, the RA added: "Don't get too excited. You're not changing to that room. I'm just gonna separate you two so we don't have any more problems tonight. We'll probably have to move you again tomorrow." ---------- A few minutes later Mike, Ruthie, and the RA went to the room to take out Ruthie's things and move them upstairs. Shannon and her boyfriend also were there, and had Crystal not been present with her clipboard, it was clear that the four students would have battled it out in the room. Crystal rolled her eyes at the level of hatred that existed between Shannon and Ruthie, but she could see both of their points. It was true that Shannon had treated Ruthie atrociously, but it also was true that Ruthie tended to get on people's nerves...that there was something about her personality that was extremely irritating. Anyhow, the RA's problem was with Shannon, not Ruthie, because Shannon was so disruptive. Hopefully this would be Crystal's chance to get her kicked out of the dorm and set an example for her friends, so she had every intention of playing up the fact that the resident had hit her roommate, and that Ruthie (quite rightly) felt in danger as a result. Shannon's boyfriend glared at Mike. He was bigger than Mike and it was very likely could beat him up with no problem, but Mike had one thing to his advantage...his ticketing machine. There was no question that while on duty for the Parking Department he would seek out the cars of both Shannon and her boyfriend. Whenever he found their vehicles, he would issue tickets if there was even a hint of a parking infraction. Ruthie had all of her meager possessions piled outside the room within a few minutes. The RA brought a pushcart that the students loaded. Ruthie insisted on taking everything in a single trip, so they overloaded the cart before moving it to the elevator. And that was that...Ruthie and Shannon no longer were roommates. ---------- Room 508 had been vacant for several weeks. There were two beds with no sheets or blankets and the furniture was pushed out of place and the surfaces were dusty. However, for Ruthie the room was a wish come true, a space that she could have to herself, even if it was just for one night. She happily piled her clothes on top of a dresser and tossed a sheet over one of the beds. That was enough for her; there was no need to organize her things if she was only going to be in the room for a single night. Mike clearly wanted to stay with her and "help her get set up" or invite her back to his room. However, she still was in a strange mood and her desire to be alone was stronger than ever. For the first time since the semester began, she was in "her" space: a room that she would not have to share with anyone, even if it was for just 24 hours. She hugged Mike thanked him for helping her move her stuff, but she also made it clear that she planned to spend her night alone. Ruthie took off her clothes and looked out the door. The top floor was much smaller than the building's four lower floors and only had a total of eight dorm rooms. There were two unisex bathrooms at the end of the hall, each only big enough for one person at a time. Perfect...the floor was what Ruthie had wanted all along: it was quiet and small. Oh it would be so nice if she could somehow keep room 508...for herself. The area seemed completely deserted. If the floor had any other residents, they had not yet come back from Thanksgiving break. Ruthie left her new room and walked naked down the hallway to use one of the bathrooms. She returned to pick up her towel and toothbrush. Still totally nude, she walked the short distance a second time to the bathroom to get cleaned up. This was totally great, she could run around in the nude and not have to worry about Shannon, Crystal, or anyone else hassling her and ordering her to get dressed. Ruthie returned to her room and for a long time sat in the darkness staring out the window. She felt melancholy, but her melancholy was more peaceful than sad. She was hugely relieved that she managed to get away from Shannon. She also was very happy about not having to deal with Mike at the moment. She cared for him and was enormously grateful for everything he had done for her, but she didn't like having to depend on him so much. If she could just have her own room, she'd be a lot more independent of him and could see him when she wanted, not when circumstances forced her to. She realized that Dr. Hartman was right about her situation; that she needed not to be so dependent on Mike. Ruthie's memories returned to her mother's apartment and her "me time". Ever since she had entered college she had not had the chance to have any "me time" because she was so fearful Shannon might show up at any moment when she was in her own room, and because she did not feel comfortable having "me time" in Mike's room. However, for the first time in three months she was in her space, and she could do whatever she wanted. She looked at herself in the mirror...just like she used to do at her mother's apartment. Ruthie never tired of studying her own body. She ran her hands over her breasts, but then began massaging her bottom. It felt so good...and yet...when Mike touched her...she didn't feel anything at all. She quit thinking about her boyfriend. Right now he didn't matter. Ruthie needed to concentrate...just enjoy herself... She took out her digital camera from her backpack and set the delayed focus. She modeled for a couple of pictures...to add to the hundreds she already had stored on the card. Her eyes rested on the backpack that still contained the bathbrush. She thought about spanking herself...but figured that was one thing better not to do, because if anyone else was on the floor the swats would be heard and it would be clear to anyone listening what they were. Still...at some point...when she could find a spot where no one would hear...she'd have to see about giving herself a nice spanking. She hadn't done it for three years, but now that strange urge had returned. She had no desire to give herself the hardcore punishments she gave herself after her 15th birthday, but something more moderate...maybe 50 good swats. Even the thought of that made her excited. She looked at the pictures she had taken three years before...she looked so sexy with her bottom nice and red. She held the viewer of the camera and started masturbating...her bare bottom...unmarked and deep red...so sexy...oh yes... She set the camera down to concentrate on herself...she teased herself...tormented herself...she wanted that orgasm so bad...but she was forcing herself to wait. The longer she waited and the more desperate she became...the better it would be in the end. Ruthie fantasized about having a twin sister...a girl who looked just like her...with whom she could have shared her body...every night would be a naked slumber party, with lots of touching and photographs...and they would wager with each other...who had to submit to the hairbrush...the spankings would be long and hard...there would be crying...but a lot of love in the end... Finally Ruthie climaxed...oh it was so good...Ohhhhhhhh... A few minutes later, reeking of orgasm, she snuck into the short hallway and went into one of the bathrooms to clean up. She then was about to return to her room when she noticed there was a door next to the entrance of the stairwell. Curious to see what was behind it, she opened it and discovered it led outside, to the roof of the 4th floor. She made sure the door handle was locked in the "open" position, and stepped outside into the chilly air. The cold November breeze punished her bare skin, but she enjoyed the feeling of total exposure. She also enjoyed the daring feeling of standing naked on a roof in full sight of the entire campus, but not being seen herself because it was so dark on the roof. Her body was covered with goose-bumps and she was shivering, but she managed to stay outside for nearly 30 minutes. Finally she couldn't take the cold anymore and went back inside...but the experience had been a real rush for her. Compared to the chilly air outside, her temporary room felt warm, almost hot. She lay down on her bed and without bothering to cover herself, fell asleep. ---------- Ruthie resumed her normal routine the following day: getting up at 4:30 and dealing with a cold dark predawn walk to the Student Center, serving coffee from 7:00 until 11:00, eating lunch with Mike, going to the literature class with him, and finally going to her other classes. She dreaded what was coming later in the afternoon, because Crystal had told her that they needed to meet with the dorm director at 4:00. The director was not nearly as sympathetic to Ruthie as her RA had been. He blamed her for not getting along with other people and commented that her "personality issue" was something she needed to address or else it would hinder her throughout her life. It was clear that he did not want to pursue any action against Shannon because of the hassle that would entail for him. Ruthie could see that Crystal was clearly disappointed. Ruthie was furious. "You mean even though she hit me, you're not gonna press charges?" "Ruthie, we don't know what actually happened between you two, and there's no evidence to go on except your word. Shannon has her side of the story too, so really as things stand now it's just your word against hers. From what I see, neither of you displayed any tolerance for each other. It was a simple failure to communicate." Ruthie was about to object when the director put up his hand and added: "I'm just not interested in having problems in my dorm." The dorm director then sat back and tapped his fingers together. "Ruthie, I'm going to make you an offer. You've already requested a change in roommates, which is something Shannon has requested too. I think the best thing for us to do...would be leave you in room 508 for the rest of the semester and assign you a new roommate in January. So...I'll just leave you on the fifth floor are for the time being. Will that be satisfactory?" Ruthie was torn emotionally. The offer of the room was a bribe to shut her up. She was grateful that she was not going to be moved off the 5th floor, but furious that Shannon was not going to be prosecuted for hitting her. She would get room 508, but the cost of the bargain was that nothing would happen to her nemesis. Ruthie did accept the dorm director's offer. He had insinuated that her only alternative would be to return to living with Shannon. Anyhow, no matter what, the university would refuse to take any legal action against Shannon because "what happened between you is just your word against hers, and we can't prosecute if there's no evidence". Crystal was furious with her boss, because the bargain would leave Shannon as a resident on her floor and probably more uncontrollable than ever. As much as she wanted to get rid of Shannon, it was obvious she was stuck with her. Ruthie felt bad for the RA, but there was nothing she could do to help her. ---------- The relationship between Mike and Ruthie began to change once Ruthie had a room to herself. Now that she had her own space and no longer was at the mercy of Shannon, she did not need to use his room as a place to hide out and study. She did not move her computer, simply because she anticipated having to move it again in January and saw no point going through the hassle. However, she began moving her books, not all at once, but by loading her backpack in Mike's room when she had to go to class, and then unloading the bag in her new room when she got back in the evening. Over the next couple of days she thus reduced and finally eliminated the stack of books she had kept on Todd's former desk. The Outsider Ch. 17 The change was not fast enough or drastic enough for Mike to worry too much, but he did notice his girlfriend spending less time with him now that Shannon no longer was forcing her into his arms. The nights of her sleeping over came to an end, although in the evenings she still visited to work on her term papers and surf the Internet. As the first week following Thanksgiving passed, Ruthie's mind adapted to the reality that she had a lot more privacy. Not only did she have a room to herself, it also turned out that only two other rooms on the 5th floor were occupied, by graduate students who very rarely were in the hall. Besides the bathrooms, the only other room on the floor was a conference room that always was locked. Very quickly she got used to walking naked in the hallway when she wanted to go to the bathroom. Only once did one of the graduate students run into her. She blushed and apologized, but the guy simply smiled at her and commented: "Cute outfit." She took that to mean that he didn't mind seeing her. ---------- On Wednesday Ruthie returned to the counseling office. Two weeks had gone by since she had seen Dr. Hartman, which meant that she had a lot to tell her. The counselor was relieved to know that her client had safely extricated herself from her situation with Shannon, and that as a result she was less dependent on Mike. Obviously the main focus of the conversation was the Mega-Mart stampede and Ruthie's conflicting feelings about what had happened. There was a lot more that Ruthie wanted to talk about: the memories that going back to her room had brought back, the situations of her cousins Rosa, Gerardo, and Alex, and just how alienated she felt from the town where her family lived. Her four days in Salinas did nothing to make her feel any more at home there. ---------- There were only two weeks remaining in the semester of regular classes and another week of finals. Mike and Ruthie spent most of there time preparing term papers and studying for tests, apart from the hours they spent at their jobs. They ate together and sometimes went to the Student Center, but their trips to places like the beaches or Santa Cruz had to be suspended because neither had any time. They were fortunate, however, that they did not have to worry about being lonely, because they did have each other. Mike expected the spring semester to not be much different from the fall semester, given that his father's mortgages were paying his tuition and his job was paying for his living expenses. However, Ruthie lived in constant fear...worrying about the latest bad news coming out of Sacramento. Coming into the university, she knew that the grants she had received were precarious, something Mike's father had mentioned as well. She had not given much thought about the spring semester, thinking that whatever budget cuts that would end her aid would not be announced until the summer. On the final day of classes, Ruthie's life was disrupted by a thick envelope that had been sent to her from Nebraska. The return address read: Jake Burns 388 Stockman Trail Lincoln, Nebraska Ruthie's hands trembled as she opened the envelope. It was the first time she had any contact with her father in six years. The envelope contained several items. The first thing Ruthie pulled out was an opened letter from the California Department of Education. The letter had been addressed to her home in Salinas and was dated October 22, but it was the very first time Ruthie had seen it. Strange...why would she be getting it from her father and not simply have it forwarded by her mother? Ruthie read: Ms. Burns: We regret to inform you that due to the financial crisis that continues to restrict funding for higher education, the Salinas Valley Scholarship Program has been suspended and tuition assistance for the program's participants will terminated as of January 1 of the upcoming year. Our records show that your participation in the Salinas Valley Scholarship Program for the current academic year is as follows: Fall semester: tuition = $ 5,773.34 Fall semester: books = $ 300.00 Spring semester: tuition = $ 0.00 Spring semester: books = $ 200.00 During the spring semester you will need to make alternative arrangements to finance your tuition expenses to attend classes at Davenport State University. The California Department of Education regrets any disruption this action might have on your academic career, but the ongoing loss of tax revenue has forced the California State Legislature to severely reduce spending on all state programs, including higher education and grants for students. Ruthie was left breathless. She felt nauseous and was very close to throwing up. She dug in the package and pulled out a second envelope that was blank, except her name. The envelope contained a check for $ 5,773.34 signed by her father. The check was wrapped in a letter that read: Ruthie: It's been a while since we talked. I know you're still mad at me, and you have your reasons. I'm hoping I can make it up to you. I tried to get in touch with you a couple of months ago, but you were in Davenport. Your mom and me talked, and she sent me this letter from the university and asked me to help you, so that's what I'm doing. Hopefully this check will fix your problem. I want to see you, and have you come back to Lincoln to visit for a few days. Debra is gone from my life, so you don't have any reason to stay away. I've sent you a plane ticket. If the dates don't work for you, you can change them, but I do want to see you. I talked to your mom about it, and she said she understands and will let you come out. Dad The package also contained a round-trip airplane ticket from San Jose to Lincoln and back. The dates were for December 26 through January 2. Ruthie calculated that timeframe was doable, given that she would not have to skip Christmas in Salinas. The final item in that package was a picture of her father, her grandmother, and Ruthie when she was ten. Her hands were still trembling as she looked at the photo. She remembered it had been taken just a couple of months before her grandmother really got sick. Ruthie laid out everything that her father had sent her on the room's spare bed. She wasn't sure how to react. Her heart filled with resentment, because she really did not want to see her father again, but her situation gave her no choice. She'd have to accept the check, deposit it, and use it to pay the university. She had to continue with her studies, because her only alternative was to return to Salinas and sit in her room doing nothing. Her father knew that. He knew that there was one way he could force her to see him, and that was by giving her the money she needed to stay in college. Ruthie's thoughts drifted to her mother. She realized that perhaps Doña Lisette knew her better than she realized; which was why she forwarded the scholarship cancellation letter to her ex-husband instead of to her daughter. There was nothing Ruthie could have done about her scholarship, but there was something Jake could do about it. OK Jake...you want to see Ruthie so bad? Then you fix this problem for her. Ruthie knew how hard all of this must have been for her mother. Over the years the girl heard enough hints to understand that Jake and his family had treated her badly during her stay in Nebraska. To keep Ruthie in college and out of Salinas, Doña Lisette had to sacrifice her own pride and ask her ex-husband for a favor. Ruthie knew her mother well enough to know asking her father for help was a huge humiliation, but one she was willing to accept for her daughter's sake. ---------- The only thing Ruthie could think of was to call Mike and ask him to come over. Mike, who had not yet seen his girlfriend's new room, was more than happy to oblige. When he knocked, she simply told him to come in. She was sitting quietly on her bed, wearing nothing but one of her Mega-Town t-shirts, staring blankly at the papers in front of her. Mike looked at her and then at the papers. She nodded for him to examine them. "I...I don't know what to think of all this...I...guess it kinda sucks..." "This check's supposed to pay for your spring tuition?" Ruthie nodded. "I mean...you ought to be relieved. It's great that your dad's gonna pay..." Ruthie nodded again. Mike, only vaguely aware of the bad memories and emotional turmoil swirling through Ruthie's brain, was worried about the check more than anything else...getting it cashed and turning the money over to the university so she could stay enrolled. He nagged at her to get up, put on her shorts, and go to the campus bank before it closed. She listlessly complied, following him first to the campus bank branch to get a cashier's check, then to the registration office to turn the funds over to the university. He was hugely relieved when the clerk handed Ruthie a receipt stating that she was paid up for the spring semester, but she seemed indifferent about it. "Now I'm stuck having to see him." Ruthie mumbled. "Your dad?" "Yeah." She paused. Without looking up, she continued: "I kinda was hoping I wouldn't have to see him again." "Well...I mean...was what he did to you really that bad? I mean...did he do something he shouldn't have done to you?" Ruthie realized what Mike was getting at. "No...nothing like that...I mean...what happened was that he kicked me out. Just kicked me out. He stuck me on a plane and told me to get the hell out of Nebraska and never come back. I was 12...and I was kinda fucked up anyway...and me getting kicked out like that fucked me up even more..." "So...why'd he kick you out?" Ruthie took a deep breath and decided to start the story at the beginning. "You know that my parents split up when I was three..." (actually, Mike did not know that, but he nodded) "My mom had to come back here to California 'cause she couldn't get a job in Nebraska and there was nothing for her to do. So she just up and left and came here. I'm not sure why she left me behind with my dad...she never explained that to me and I've been afraid to ask. But anyhow...it was my dad's mom who raised me...kinda like she was my mom...She was really nice to me...I had a lot of fun...you know...when I was a little kid...and I didn't see all that much of my dad...'cause he was always going out with his friends...out on his bike...stuff like that...so I was always with my grandma...and she was the one who did stuff like take me to school..." "Anyhow...when I was nine...my grandma started getting sick...you know...with cancer...and she kept going in and out of the hospital. It was not bad for a year...but then she really got bad...she'd be like...crying...because she knew she wasn't gonna be around much longer and later on I realized she was worried about me 'cause she knew my dad wouldn't bother to take care of me...and she was right, 'cause he didn't." "It sucked...really sucked, what happened to her...what those fucking doctors did to her just so they could clean out her insurance. They kept cutting stuff off of her...her tits, stuff out of her stomach, a foot, and then one of her arms...it was like watching a horror movie, but it was real. I hate doctors 'cause of what they did to Grandma. I hate 'em all...fucking money suckers. I mean...it got so bad...watching her...that I knew she'd be better off dead...I'd go to the hospital...and we'd talk...and I'd see her with all that shit sticking out of her..." Ruthie looked up at Mike, remembering his father's efforts to show them around the neighborhood. A very strange thing happened at that moment...Mike imagined that Ruthie looked much older than her real age...that somehow her past had caught up with her...making it very easy for him to imagine what she would look like forty years into the future. She looked away and continued her story: "My grandma tried to talk to me as much as she could towards the end. She wanted to tell me all the stuff she had been planning to tell me when I was gonna be in high school...everything...but she wanted me to know what her life was like when she was my age. She always was saying 'you gotta remember what I'm telling you...because if you forget, then it's gone...you're the only one who knows...' And she'd talk...and she talked so good that I could picture myself being with her...a long time ago..." "After I turned eleven she started getting worse and worse...and then she got all crazy and I couldn't talk to her anymore. Well, sometimes I could...she'd suddenly get sane for a few minutes and would ask for me...and then she'd talk...and then go crazy again...so I stayed at the hospital as much as I could...so I'd be there when she wanted to talk...Those fucking doctors kept cutting stuff out of her...keeping her going...and she wanted to die...but they wouldn't let her. The last month there wasn't anything left of her...but I still kept going to her room...hoping that she'd say something more. She did a couple of times...but then she went into a coma...and I wanted her to die or get better...and finally she did die...She was dead...in the middle of the night, and I held her hand...and it was all cold and almost didn't weigh anything." It was dark by the time Ruthie finished that part of her story, which was lucky because tears were flowing down her face. "You gotta understand that she was the only person who really loved me...and could show it. I mean...my mom tries...but for her it's hard...to express herself if she's not talking about her Jesus shit...and I've never been able to relate to her..." "So your dad kicked you out when your grandma died?" "No...not exactly. But I was totally pissy after the funeral and I sorta blamed him for not being around when she was in the hospital and that got him mad at me. What I didn't know, until Grandma was dead, was that he had been going out and was getting ready to get married to Debra and I was gonna have to deal with having a step-mom...and she didn't like me at all. I didn't want my dad to get married, 'cause I was scared of having to live with an adult I wouldn't get along with...and Debra didn't make things any easier when she kept saying things to him like 'that kid needs quality time with the belt', and she'd say it so I'd hear and then look at me...and on top of everything else she had another kid from another marriage...and the thought of living with not just her, but her son...so finally I told my dad that he shouldn't get married to that bitch, and I said it like that...I called her a bitch. We had some fights about it, and then I tried running away...but I didn't get very far. I went to a friend's house and her dad found me there and brought me back. Finally I said that if he wanted to get married, I'd just go look for my mom in Salinas...and that was a dumb thing for me to say, 'cause it gave him the idea of how to get rid of me. He didn't say anything, but two days later he came up to my room and threw a suitcase on my bed. 'Pack your shit. You've got an hour to get ready and then I'm taking you to the airport.' I was like: 'what?' So he told me...'you wanna live with your mom? Great. You're gonna go live with her.' I thought he was kidding, but he wasn't. He was totally pissed at me. When the hour went by and I still hadn't packed, he just emptied a couple of drawers of my clothes into the suitcase and told me to get in the car. He gave me this lecture saying he wasn't gonna take shit from a 12-year old spoiled brat and that since I wanted to give him attitude I could 'go live with the Mexicans', as he put it." Mike was floored that Ruthie's father could have done that to her. But, as she pointed out, her dad was in love and love makes a person do strange things, even if it involves hurting family members. She noted: "There was this one woman I heard about...a long time ago...she drowned her two kids in a car just 'cause her new boyfriend didn't like kids...two little kids...she put them into her car and ran it into a lake...just to make her boyfriend happy." "Yeah...I think I heard about that." "So you really think that what my dad did to me was all that weird? I mean...when you think about it...all he did was stick me on a plane." "Yeah...but even so...to do that to your kid...I couldn't even picture my dad doing that to either of us. I mean...he'd give up his life if he had to...or anything else...to protect us." Ruthie sniffed back some more tears. "I guess things were different with my dad...I dunno...I guess I kinda made things hard for him and he couldn't handle it." After a long pause she added: "Anyhow, my mom was glad to see me...I mean like...really glad...talking about how Jesus brought me back to her and all that shit..." Mike thought about Ruthie's situation...realizing how lucky he had been to have parents that he had. "So now, after all that...and six years...your dad finally wants to see you? Any idea why?" "I 'spose he feels bad about what happened between us. He wrote that 'Debra is gone from his life'. I 'spose that means he must have split up with her. Maybe he's guilt-tripped...or maybe just kinda lonely...I don't know..." They got back to his room. For once she had no desire to go back to her room or to be alone. He sat down in his armchair and Ruthie sat in his lap. She was crying and totally stressed as the unpleasant memories from six and seven years before forced themselves into her thoughts. She had wanted to think that part of her life was over, but clearly it wasn't. Now she had two things to dread about Christmas: saying goodbye to Rosa and having to deal with her father. The Outsider Ch. 18 Chapter 18 - Christmas Vacation Mike had expected to pursue "pay-dirt", as he always put it, by ticketing students who felt that finals week provided a justification to violate parking regulations around campus. However, he had forgotten that his boss wanted to assign him as an alternate for maintaining and collecting money from parking meters, which was a promotion from being a student ticket officer. During the final week of the semester, Mike's intended victims got a break and his ticketing machine sat unused in the dispatcher's office while he went out with the department's oldest employee, Sam Rayburn. Mike knew enough of US history to know there was a famous Speaker of the House of Representatives with that name during World War II and the 1950's. His co-worker admitted that yes...he was named after "that" Sam Rayburn. He congratulated Mike on his knowledge, telling him that he was only the second student he had ever met who knew about House Speaker Sam Rayburn. Sam had the outward appearance of a southern redneck, but his personality was totally the opposite. He was a hippie at heart, who lived in a small house up in the mountains that overlooked Davenport. He had a degree in philosophy, wrote poetry, and had lived with the same woman for 35 years without ever getting married. He was a strange guy with a dreamy personality and one of the few people Mike ever met who was totally satisfied with his place in life. He had no desire to move on: he was content to spend his existence fiddling with parking meters. A few weeks later Mike would figure out why Sam had no intention of ever giving up his meter job, and why he had refused several offers of promotion. Sam and Mike went out in Sam's pickup truck. There was a large steel box mounted on the back. The box had a lock and a circular opening in the top that was about the width of a liter soda bottle. Sam handed Mike a key and told him to open up the back of a meter. Sam extracted a metal cylinder the size of a soda can and handed it to Mike, and instructed him to put it into the opening of the box and turn it. As soon as Mike twisted the can, he heard the coins clattering into the bottom of the steel box. Sam told him that typically a canister held around $ 50 worth of coins. That surprised Mike, because he had not realized how much money each meter was making for the university. When he returned the cylinder to its place in the meter casing, Sam commented: "We get to do the same thing 492 times today, and 483 times tomorrow. That's how many meters we have on campus." Sam taught Mike a few tricks about twisting canisters and meter keys to avoid repetitive motion injury, such as switching hands after servicing 25 meters. Every so often the two parking officers came across a meter that was jammed, where the coins had not fallen into the canister but instead were piled on top. Sam dumped the loose coins into a separate box that was stored in the truck's tool-box. Sam spent the next several days showing the student other responsibilities of the job, such as checking for low batteries and examining and replacing defective meters. Mike learned that the meter device could easily be taken out of the casing and the working part actually was very small. The devices had warning signals to let the parking officer know if the battery was low and on a typical day about 20 batteries had to be replaced. If a meter was not working for any reason other than an expired battery, Sam took out the device and replaced it. He explained that upon getting back to the parking office they would ship the defective meters to a contractor that would repair them. Once the day's round of collecting coins and servicing meters was finished, Sam and Mike unloaded the heavy change box from the pickup and rolled it into the main office. They unlocked the top and poured the contents into a change counting machine. The take for Mike's first day was over $ 6,500. Mike was surprised at the amount. $ 6,500 in just one day? "It's more during the semester. Of course, when you started ticketing Econ-A it became a lot more...400 meters-worth more." "So what are they doing with all the money?" "Ain't giving it to us, that's for sure. I 'spose maybe some of it's going to buy new office equipment...paint for the parking garage...shit like that. The rest...?" Sam shrugged he shoulders: "...your guess is as good as mine." As Mike's training period continued, he got to know Sam and his many quirks a lot better. One thing Sam always did was collect soda cans. If he saw a discarded soda can from across a parking lot, he'd drive over to pick it up. A quick stomp of his boot flattened the can and then he'd toss it into a huge smelly trash bag filled with other cans. If Sam thought Mike wasn't looking, he'd even go through trash containers looking for soda cans. On days after football games Sam spent as much time cruising the stadium area in search of cans as he did attending to meters. Another thing Mike noticed was that Sam was very generous with small things. Every time they stopped for a break Sam bought him something to drink: coffee or Coke, or whatever else his trainee wanted. It wasn't just with Mike that Sam was so generous. During football games he always passed out Coke and donuts to anyone working a shift under him. Whenever he trained a new student ticketing officer he always offered free drinks, which was one reason he was popular within the department. In spite of their difference of ages and Sam's strange character, he and Mike quickly established rapport with each other. Sam talked a lot about his days as a hippie, enough to make Mike somewhat envious that he was not a college student in 1968. Sam's stories made Mike more sympathetic to the hippie movement, but at the same time Mike could see how many of the factors that led to the current decline of the US, such as drug use and instant gratification, got started during the 1960's. Mike pointed that out to Sam, who shrugged his shoulders and responded: "Yeah, I can see that." Through Sam, Mike learned a lot about Davenport State University in general and the history of the Parking Department in particular. He talked about different directors, how much money the department took in, and how parking had become more restricted for students over the years. He talked about regional conventions held for parking lot owners and how lucrative parking and its byproduct, towing, were for those who owned or managed lots. "It's 'money for nothin' and your chicks for free.' You don't have to build anything, make anything, feed anyone, do nothing useful...just pave over some Mother Nature and start taking money." Money for nothing...a good way to describe owning a parking lot. As though it was responding to Mike's thought and Sam's comment, the campus radio station played the old Dire Straits hit. The two employees started singing along: Now look at them yo-yo's, that's the way you do it You play the guitar on the M.T.V. That ain't working, that's the way you do it Money for nothing and your chicks for free... Now that ain't working, that's the way you do it Let me tell you them guys ain't dumb Maybe get a blister on your little finger Baby get a blister on your thumb... We got to install microwave ovens Custom kitchen deliveries We got to move these refrigerators We got to move these color T.V.'s... In spite of the fun banter, Sam's conversations planted a seed of doubt in Mike's thoughts. Up until his promotion, he had been content with his job. However, now that he knew how much money the administrators of the Parking Department were making and how little of that money the employees were receiving, resentment started building up in his mind. Sam sensed his changing view of their employer, shrugged his shoulders, and pointed out: "This job's what you make out of it. Just like any other job. It's what you make out of it." Mike wondered if his co-worker was hinting at anything with that comment. ---------- Finals came and went uneventfully. Mike and Ruthie both got straight "A's" for the semester and in doing so made the Dean's list. In that past that would have helped their financial situation, but during these indifferent times of globalization, good grades no longer mattered. Still, it was a point of personal pride to have good grades because Mike and Ruthie had high academic expectations of each other. During the days leading up to Christmas, Mike dedicated as much time as he could to his relationship with Ruthie. He took her hiking and for drives towards Big Sur. They stopped to look at cliffs and beaches, and also to look for fossils in areas where Ruthie knew there were deposits. One day they had a real treat: they noticed that a group of elephant seals had lumbered onto a small beach near the coastal road. Ruthie was absorbed looking at and photographing the animals, because she had never seen them in real life before. Ruthie's desire to ride around nude intensified during the December outings, now that she knew Mike approved of that part of her personality. She loved to sit naked in the passenger seat and challenge herself to see how long she could go without putting on her dress. Sometimes she liked to make him nervous by taking risks, such as jumping out of the car near a park or street corner, even if there were other people around, wearing nothing but her shoes. Very early on the Sunday morning before Christmas, she actually walked a block in the nude through the deserted downtown in one of the small towns they were passing through. He learned to have spare batteries ready for his camera, because his girlfriend continuously jumped out of the car and wanted to have her picture taken in every imaginable setting possible. Ruthie wanted to collect pictures of herself standing naked along the entire coastline of California. Every time the couple came across a lookout where no one else was parked, she asked Mike to stop. If she already was naked, she'd run out to where she wanted to pose, strike her pose, and waited for Mike to get the picture. Mike learned to be quick, but also to be careful to get a good image because Ruthie was very picky about the quality of her pictures. After he took the shot she always checked it, and if a picture did not meet her satisfaction, she insisted it be re-taken. If she was wearing a dress, Mike usually took two pictures; one with her dress on, and one without. After the first photo, she looked both ways and if there were not cops in sight and no one nearby, pulled the dress over her head, handed it to Mike, and resumed her posing position. She wanted to make sure her clothes were completely out of the picture. If an article of dropped or bunched up clothing appeared in a photo, the image was not acceptable. On any day they were going to be in an area they thought would be tolerant of a person in daring clothing, Ruthie wore her infamous dress. They visited several beach communities where her dress was allowed and she was able to enjoy the feeling of the cool air on her exposed back and hips. An obvious place for her to wear the dress would be San Francisco, but a trip there promised to be more complicated due to the drive and parking. That would have to wait until the spring semester. Also, San Francisco had become too cold to run around in skimpy clothing, too cold even for Ruthie. ---------- Ruthie and Mike spent Christmas apart. The holiday meant more to their respective families than it did to the couple, so for both students the vacation was nothing more than "putting in time" with their relatives. On the day before Christmas Eve they ate a last lunch together and gave each other simple gifts. Mike gave Ruthie a dress that was just like the red one he bought for her in October, except that the new one was green. Ruthie spent the tiny amount of money remaining from her salary to print several large pictures from the collection of figure studies Mike had taken of her and have them framed. They laughed about how fortunate it was that they had the foresight to open their gifts ahead of time and not put them under their families' trees, because neither wanted to imagine the reaction of their relatives had they seen what Mike and Ruthie gave each other. Christmas was a day of apprehension for Ruthie, because the two events that she was dreading would happen the following day. On the 26th Rosa would travel to San Jose and from there leave for Boot Camp. She would be gone from Ruthie's life, the one member of her family Ruthie could talk to and who seemed to her at least somewhat sane. Ruthie knew that she would miss Rosa tremendously and badly wanted to hug her. That was not to be, however, because Rosa was keeping her impending military service a secret. Essentially, by joining the Army she was running away from home. She would leave, and she would not be coming back. The last time Ruthie saw Rosa was in the evening after Christmas dinner. Rosa was drinking tequila, trying to build up the nerve to tell her parents what she was planning to do the next morning. When she left with her mother, she cast one last look at her cousin, convinced they would never see each other again. Rosa would have been reason enough for Ruthie to be distressed over Christmas, but the much bigger worry of having to travel to Nebraska to meet her father loomed over her. She desperately hoped that a snow-storm would delay or cancel flights, or that some other problem would arise that would prevent her from traveling. Had she still been religious she would have prayed to Jesus to mess up the weather, but she knew from experience God had given Ruthie Burns a rock-solid guarantee that any prayers from her would go unanswered. She also knew that her mother would be totally stressed about her and would be praying non-stop. There would be justification for concern, given how badly Jake had treated Lisette 15 years before, and how badly he had treated Ruthie nine years later. However, in Ruthie's situation money spoke louder than anything else. Jake knew that. Regardless how his daughter felt about him or what he had done to her, he could purchase some of her time by paying her tuition. Mike took Ruthie to the airport and went with her as far as the security checkpoint. From there she was on her own. She was totally stressed. Not only was she worried about what awaited her at the end of her journey, but also she was nervous about flying. The last time she had been in an airplane was six years ago, when that Meg-Air jet took her away from Nebraska and from everything that she had ever known. Now she would be making the same trip in reverse. Several hours later Ruthie looked over the snowy drylands of her former home state as her plane began its descent. She marveled at how flat that land was; how from the air it looked like a vast brown and white ocean. She knew from her geology major that's exactly what Nebraska was; part of a dried up inlet of the Gulf of Mexico. She thought about all of the strange creatures that had once lived there: toothed birds and giant sea-lizards, pterodactyls and sea turtles far bigger than anything on the planet today. Her imagination wandered through the fossil record and her mind filled with regret that all those fascinating creatures had long since vanished, replaced by boring things such as prairie dogs and coyotes. As her mind filled with visions of huge pterosaurs gracefully circling over the calm Cretaceous waters, she thought about the futility of life on the planet. All the effort those animals went though to pick up fish for their young...but in the end they shouldn't have bothered. They went extinct anyway. Ruthie's mind drifted to the present and to the near future, when humans would join pterosaurs in the realm of oblivion. She vaguely wondered if she would live to see the end. The plane shook as it was buffeted by cross-winds. She panicked and grabbed the handles of her seat as the aircraft shook from turbulence. A few minutes later the shaking stopped, giving her a chance to calm down. As the plane got closer to the ground she noticed dust rising from the fields below, swirls of old sediments laid down during a bygone era. All those fantastic creatures...now just a bunch of farmers' dust. That'll be us in a few years. Dust in the wind...thought Ruthie...all we are is dust in the wind... ---------- Jake had previously instructed Ruthie to call him upon getting off the plane so he could be watching for her when she left the secure area of the terminal. That phone call was the first time she heard her father's voice in six years. The call was to-the-point, just an exchange of information of what each was wearing. It turned out to be fortunate that Jake had made that suggestion, because otherwise she would not have recognized him. The first detail about her father's appearance that she had not expected was how much smaller he was than she remembered him. She thought he had shrunk, but in reality what had changed was Ruthie's perspective: instead of seeing him from the perspective of a young adolescent she was seeing him as an adult. Instead of a hulking figure, in front of her was a man who was not much taller than she was. Apart from his size was his over-all appearance. He had put on weight, grown a beard, and was starting to go bald. Not much was left of the handsome blond sailor that had captivated Lisette nineteen years before. Not that the years had been any kinder to Lisette than they had been to Jake: both of Ruthie's parents had aged badly. Ruthie was fidgeting and looking down when her father hugged her. She found it very difficult to look him in the eye. She was extremely uncomfortable; it was only through exerting all of her self-control that she forced herself not to run away. She did not have a clue what she should say or how she react to what was going on. Jake asked her a bunch of questions about her life in college, to which she responded with nods and one-syllable answers. Jake was irritated by his daughter's uncommunicative behavior, but he did not say anything that would spoil what he was trying to do: make up with her. Unfortunately that part of her personality: her sideways glances, fidgeting, and short answers grated on his patience every bit as much as they had six years before. Neither Jake nor Ruthie realized it at the time, but her difficulty communicating with people not familiar to her was the main reason Debra disliked her so much. Jake's fiancée had interpreted her behavior as rudeness. She was rude back, which made Ruthie even less willing to talk to her. The situation quickly deteriorated into mutual hatred. When they left the terminal building to find Jake's pickup truck, Ruthie was shocked by the vicious cold in the parking garage. She was wearing the warmest clothing she had, but during her six years in California she had not once been in a place where the temperature was below freezing. She was tremendously relieved to get out of the cold and into her father's pickup truck. The cold gave her and her father a chance to talk about something neutral, the Nebraska weather, the climate in California, and how Ruthie had forgotten all about the winters in Lincoln. Jake commented: "We need to get you a coat. What you have on ain't gonna cut it around here." So, the very first thing they did was go to a mall so Ruthie could get a coat. After the mall they stopped at a kindergarten. There was a tremendous surprise waiting there: it turned out Ruthie had a half-brother called Jake Junior. Jake explained that the boy was from his relationship with Debra. When they split up they got joint custody of him, but now that Debra was going out with another guy, Jake Junior was spending most of his time living with his father. Ruthie had no idea what to say. More than anything else she was stressed that Debra was not completely out of her father's life after-all, although it was nice to know she was with another guy. The shock of having a half-brother registered slowly: a relative that she hadn't known about at all. The Outsider Ch. 18 However, like the weather, Jake Junior offered a welcome distraction from the tense silence between Jake and Ruthie. Jake Sr., happy that his two kids were together for the first time, took them out for pizza. From the pizza place they went home. It was dark, but Ruthie could see that on the outside the house had not changed, that detail for detail it was as she remembered it. Her old room was still there as well, although over the years the furniture had been moved around and the nightstand had been replaced. Jake mentioned that he had kept most of Ruthie's stuff from when she was a kid, but it was boxed up in the attic and that if she wanted to go through any of the boxes, she'd have to wait until it was light outside. Jake asked Ruthie to help put her brother to bed. She still could not believe that the kid in front of her was her relative. Subconsciously she had expected that nothing in Nebraska had changed apart from everyone getting a bit older. She also felt some unexpected sympathy for Jake Jr., thinking how much it would suck to be Debra's kid. The very fact that she was putting the boy to bed instead of Debra said a lot about Debra as a person. ---------- Jake had to go to work most of the days Ruthie was staying at his house, which left her alone with her thoughts during the days. She spent the next week wandering about Lincoln and walking around her old neighborhood in the bitter cold. She wanted to see all of the places familiar to her six years before and try to come to terms with her memories. She visited her grade school and her middle school; both of which had let out for Christmas. She wandered the empty hallways and went into the classrooms where she had been assigned. She knew that some of her old teachers were still working at the schools she had attended, but she had no desire whatsoever to run into them or let any of them know what had become of her. She had returned to the school to renew her own memories, not to share herself with anyone else. Nor was she interested in tracking down any of her friends from middle school, because she felt they had betrayed her by not writing. She realized that the passing of time gave her anonymity. It was probable that people she had known years before passed her in their cars or even on the sidewalk, but no one ever recognized her. On the final day of the year, she walked right by a middle-aged couple that she recognized as the parents of one of her friends. They did not know who she was and she did not try to draw their attention, so one chance for renewing contact with her former life came and went. She visited her grandmother's grave twice during her trip. For a long time she stared at the tombstone and momentarily regretted being an atheist. She wished that she could imagine feeling her grandmother's presence; that she could talk to the tombstone with the conviction that her grandmother was listening to her from "the other side". It would have been comforting to think that she could have told her grandmother that she was doing OK and that she still remembered her and loved her. However, such comfort was a luxury that Ruthie would never have. She did not believe in Life after Death. Her grandmother was gone and nothing remained of her except some decaying bones under a carved piece of granite and the details of the conversations stored in Ruthie's memories. Ruthie had no means of communicating with her, because, like the pterosaurs, her grandmother had vanished into oblivion and no longer existed. It would have been nice to believe otherwise. Ruthie went to her father's attic and rummaged through the boxes, looking at her old toys and books as part of her effort to reconnect with her past. There were a lot of things in the attic she wished she could have taken with her when her father kicked her out, that she deeply regretted not having when she moved to California. And yet, perhaps it was better that she did not take what was precious to her in Nebraska, because those things would have tied her even more to her past and make the transition to her new life in Salinas even more difficult. Her things sat in the attic for six years, ignored and undisturbed, but also momentarily protected from the ravages of time. She thought about taking some of her old items with her, but figured that no, if her father was willing to keep them it would be better to leave them where they would be safe instead of bringing them into her uncertain life in California. There was no guarantee that she would not end up committing suicide after-all and she did not want to think that as a result her stuff would end up in a dumpster somewhere in Santa Cruz. Ruthie closed the boxes and left the attic. ---------- It was fortunate that Jake Burns was not the type of person who felt that every problem and personal conflict had to be straightened out immediately. His daughter spent her entire time in Nebraska dreading being forced into a serious conversation about her relationship with her father, but that never came. Instead, Jake was content to let things happen naturally. If Ruthie wanted to talk, that was fine; if not, then that was fine too. Ruthie's father figured that if she had a reasonably good time in his house and there were no unpleasant incidents; she'd be willing to come back in the future and over time he could fix his relationship with her. Little by little Ruthie felt more at ease when around her father. She knew that he was neither intellectual nor introspective, so there were a lot of conversations she never could have with him. Nor was Jake Burns the type of person who easily showed emotion or affection. That detail was fortunate for the relationship with his daughter because she was not in the mood to deal with or respond to affection and love from her estranged relative. The best Jake could hope for would be to re-establish contact with his daughter and get her to be willing to come back periodically. He knew that. Anyhow, Ruthie was only a small part of Jake's life. He had his son to worry about, along his newest girlfriend, his job, and his group of friends. He wasn't sure what to do about her tuition for the following year. He had been taken aback when he found out how much Ruthie had to pay each semester. Although he did not have any debts, he certainly did not have enough money to keep up those tuition payments. He figured that California was just too expensive: at some point he would have to "have a talk" with his daughter and convince her that the only logical option would be for her to study in Nebraska. The best time for "the talk" would be sometime over the summer. ---------- Besides worrying about avoiding a serious conversation about their relationship, there were various other topics Ruthie avoided during her week in Nebraska. A major item she needed to stay away from was politics. Her father was a militant Republican, the sort that voted on "God, Guns, and Gays" issues. He was into conspiracy theories, sympathetic to property rights and militia movements, and supported abolishing most of the Federal Government. There were plenty of contradictions in his political positions. One of the biggest was his stand on religion. He fully supported the Republican vision of mixing religion and politics, of having mega-churches and Christian front organizations set social policy for the country. And yet, Jake very rarely went to church, had gone out with various women with no intention whatsoever of getting married, and spent his life going to strip bars and drinking with his friends. Most definitely he did not lead a "Godly life". It was ironic that a lot of what he enjoyed doing would be prohibited by the very people he was supporting with his bumper stickers and at the voting booth. Ruthie realized that her father was not exactly a hypocrite. He simply could not make the connection between his own behavior and the politicians he was supporting. He did not have the education to reflect, nor did he try to really comprehend what was going on around him. He was content to have his politics dictated to him by talk radio, just as Ruthie's mother was content to have her perspective on life dictated to her by a preacher. Jake was totally the opposite of Mike, who analyzed everything in detail in his effort to understand what had happened to his father's business, and expand that understanding to figuring out why the United States was in the condition it was in. ---------- When Ruthie was not wandering her neighborhood or looking at the contents of the boxes stored in her father's attic, she rode around Lincoln with Jake and Jake Jr. She listened to her father's talk-radio programs babbling about "traditional American values" and the marvels of selfish individualism and unrestricted capitalism. She looked around at all the SUV's and oversized pick-up trucks, and at the multitude of evangelical churches that surrounded her. Physically she was miserable because the bitter cold tore into her whenever she went outside. Ruthie spent New Year's Eve alone in the house, taking care of Jake Jr. Her father and his girlfriend celebrated with some friends at a bar, taking advantage of having Ruthie in the house to baby-sit. She put her half-brother to bed at 9:00. Once the boy was asleep she relieved her tension by masturbating. She was in bed by 10:30, not bothering to stay up until midnight. The day after New Year's Ruthie's father took her to the airport. Jake was in an upbeat mood, thinking that he had repaired the relationship with his daughter. He still did not realize how traumatized she was from what he had done to her six years before. The trip to the airport was the hardest part of the entire week for Ruthie, because she started having flashbacks of the previous time she had made the journey, six years before. Jake, blinded by love for a woman, had taken his daughter to the airport and tossed her into the void, not really caring what happened to her upon her arrival in California. Had he known about the difficult transition that awaited her in Salinas, he would have been glad, figuring it would be good punishment for "giving him shit". After forcing herself to hug her father goodbye, Ruthie found the flight that would take her to California. The flashbacks intensified once she took her seat. She imagined that she could see herself as a terrified 12-year-old, hugging her backpack as the plane carried her away from her former life and trying to comprehend what her father had just done to her. She had hugged her father goodbye. She would hug Mike in San Jose when he picked her up. She would hug her mother upon returning to Salinas. She wished she didn't have to touch any of them. The person she wanted to hug was not her boyfriend or any of her relatives, but herself. She imagined sitting next to herself six years ago...and trying to...to do what? Tell her 12-year-old self that everything was going to be OK? Well, that would have been a lie. When she got to Salinas nothing was OK. Her life sucked...but then it would have sucked had she stayed behind in Nebraska, dealing with Debra and her kid. No matter where I would've gone, my life would've sucked. Home...she had always thought of Jake's house as home...just as she had always said that Nebraska was home to her. "I'm not from Salinas...I just live there right now. Actually I'm from Nebraska." Much of Lincoln was as she remembered it in its physical detail, but she knew that didn't matter. The Lincoln of her memories, the place that she had idealized, had been nothing more than an illusion. The house and the neighborhood were still there, right in front of her, and detail for detail the way she remembered. But now, after finally returning, the place of her childhood had a hostile and alien feel for her. It turned out Ruthie Burns wasn't from Nebraska at all. She no more belonged in Lincoln than she belonged in Salinas, or Davenport, or Culiacan. So, she truly was an outsider, a homeless soul destined to spend her existence looking through the windows of life into places she could never settle. ---------- Mike picked up his girlfriend in San Jose, just as he promised. The trip to Salinas was very difficult, because she was unable to put into words what had happened to her in Lincoln. She was silent and moody. Mike became nervous and started up with a lecture about how glad he was that the Christmas season was over and that the annual orgy of materialism had finally come to an end. He gloated that national sales figures looked bad, even for Mega-Mart, but then Ruthie cut him short. "Mike...I...uh...I'm really not interested in hearing about that right now." Mike was deeply hurt and chastened by her rebuke. She did not seem happy to see him. However, he knew Ruthie well enough to understand she was "in one of her moods". Hopefully whatever was bothering her had nothing to do with him. He said nothing more and the couple spent the rest of their trip to Salinas in tense silence. The Outsider Ch. 19 Chapter 19 - The Sinclairs' Houseguest Ruthie returned to her mother's apartment while Doña Lisette was still at work. In spite of the quiet, she had a premonition that something unpleasant awaited her as soon as her mother returned. The feeling was so strong that Ruthie was tempted to call Mike, apologize for being rude to him, and beg him to return and get her out of Salinas. She took a deep breath and decided that no...it would be better to see what was the problem. She assumed that her mother might be mad about her trip to Nebraska...or maybe it was something having to do with Mike. When Doña Lisette returned home, she did not say anything to her daughter. No hello, no asking how the trip to Nebraska went. Ruthie knew right away that her premonition about a problem was dead-on. She could tell that her mother was furious at her. She had one of those dark looks that in the past would have preceded a vicious slap across the face, a lecture, and several hours sitting at the kitchen table. Ruthie, because she was an adult, no longer was subject to outright punishment, but it was obvious she faced a very unpleasant afternoon. She nerved herself to face whatever it was that had so upset Doña Lisette: "Mom...what's wrong?" "You really are a deceitful girl, aren't you?" "Deceitful? Why? What'd I do?" "Do you know where Rosa is?" Ruthie took a breath, momentarily relieved it wasn't something else. "I...I think she's in the Army..." "Exactly. She's in the Army! She ran away! And you knew about it! You knew what she was planning to do!" "Yes, mom...I knew." "And you didn't have the decency to tell anyone...the decency to warn us!" "She asked me to keep it a secret." "She asked you to help her lie to us! And because of you and your lies, she's gone!" "Mom...it was her choice! It's her life! She's 18! She's sick of things around here and she left!" "She left because of you! If you had just said something, we could have stopped her!" "Why? Why stop her? Why should I? Her life sucked...just like everyone's life around here sucks...and she wanted out...and the Army gave her that chance!" "Now my brother's not speaking to me! Because of you!" "That's his problem! Maybe if he'd treated her better she wouldn't have left! And I really don't give a shit about what..." Ruthie was interrupted when Doña Lisette hit her across the face with a vicious slap. "You will NOT talk to me in the language of the Devil!" Ruthie stunned by the blow, covered her burning cheek with her hand. "Stop hitting me! Stop fucking hitting me!" Doña Lisette's eyes lit up with fury upon hearing her daughter swear a second time. She struck at the girl again, but this time Ruthie warded off the blow with her free arm. Ruthie's fist connected with the bone just above her mother's wrist. Doña Lisette fell back, shocked at the pain and at the fact that her daughter had actually struck her. She nursed her arm and gave Ruthie a tearful look. "Mom! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do that...but..." "Get out of my sight! Just get out of my sight!" "Mom...please!" "I mean it, Ruthie! Get your lying face out of my sight! If this is the way you want to be, if you are gonna lie and hit your own mother, then you're not welcome in my home! Get out!" "Mom! Please! I didn't mean to hit you!" "GET OUT!" Ruthie picked up her backpack and carry-on. It was very lucky that she had not yet unpacked. The moment she stepped outside, the door slammed behind her. She gasped from the shock of what had just happened. Finally she made her way to the main office of the apartment complex, sat down in the waiting area, and called Mike. "I...kinda need you to come get me..." "Right now?" "Yeah" "Is something wrong?" "Yeah. Everything here's fucked up." "OK...on my way. Are you gonna be OK 'til I get there?" "I 'spose." As soon as she hung up, she buried her face in her hands. The receptionist of the complex glanced at her, so Ruthie picked up her stuff and went outside. She leaned on the sign of the main office, feeling too numb to even cry. Welcome back to Salinas, Ruthie... ---------- Mike was elated that his girlfriend had called him and that she had been forced to set aside whatever it was that had made her so silent and moody on the trip back from San Jose. Once again Ruthie's circumstances had forced her to be dependent on him. For the next half hour he drove southward in an upbeat mood, thinking about how the latest crisis in Ruthie's life would once again force her into his arms. He pulled into the complex and immediately saw a very forlorn-looking young woman leaning on the sign near the main office. He popped the trunk and grabbed her luggage. She hugged him and started crying. Finally she took her place in the passenger seat and they departed. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she sat silently watching the vegetable fields pass by. Mike now knew his partner well enough to realize that he needed to stay quiet until she was ready to tell him what had happened. They returned to the Sinclairs' house. Both of Mike's parents were still at work, much to their relief. He took her luggage to the guest room while she listlessly followed him. When he suggested a swim, she shrugged her shoulders and casually took off her clothes. She tossed her stuff into the guest room while Mike undressed as well. He grabbed two towels and she followed him to the pool. They didn't need to worry about taking anything with them to put on, because Mike knew his parents were at work and would not be home for a couple more hours. For a long time she stood with the water up to her neck, feeling the comforting water against her bare body. She quietly watched the reflections of the sky and nearby trees shimmering on the surface. Mike said nothing. He just tread water at the other end of the pool and waited for his girlfriend's mood to change so he could talk to her. Ruthie remained in the same spot for a very long time, gently waving her arms back and forth but otherwise not moving. Finally Mike got tired treading water in the deep end and swam to where the water was shallower. By then some of the numbness in Ruthie's brain was starting to wear off, and the usual swirl of disjointed thoughts resurfaced in her consciousness. Finally she was ready to talk. "Have you ever been to Nebraska?" "Through it a bunch of times. We did stop in Omaha, but not in Lincoln." "You know most of it's totally flat." "Yeah." "You know why?" Mike shook his head. "It used to be ocean...kinda like an inland waterway going between the two halves of North America. That's why they've got so many marine fossils from there. There's places you can dig up clamshells from the Cretaceous period." Mike said nothing, wondering where Ruthie was going with the unexpected topic. "There used to be all kinds of neat animals there...pterodactyls, big nautiluses, sea reptiles...but that's all gone. It's just a bunch of dust that gets plowed up every year and blown around. When you think about it, all those animals might as well have never existed, 'cause now they're just a bunch of dirt." Mike thought about what his girlfriend might be getting at. He decided to counter her before her thoughts became too morbid. "Those animals had their time. They were around for hundreds of millions of years. Now it's our time. And I think it does matter that those animals were around when they were...just like it matters that we're around now." Ruthie did not respond. Mike added: "I take it things did not go well for you on your trip." "They went OK. My dad did break up with Debra, but now they've got a kid and he's taking care of him. But my dad...he's the same in a lot of ways...drinking with his friends, running around on his Harley, got a new girlfriend...it's like he doesn't give a shit about anything...and I was by myself most of the time I was in Lincoln...just kinda wandered around...it was fucking cold the whole time I was there...and I kinda realized that Lincoln was...I don't know if this'll make any sense to you...it was the way I remembered it, but totally different from the way I imagined it." "So...you think you kinda idealized Lincoln? Imagined it to be better than it really is?" "Kinda...not exactly...I don't know how to say it so you'll see where I'm coming from...but I guess that's sort of it." Mike reflected for moment, remembering the details that Ruthie had told him about her life and how she saw herself. "A couple of times you told me 'I'm not from Salinas. Actually I'm from Nebraska.' You went there and figured out that's not true?" Ruthie's eyes filled with tears and she nodded. "I'm not from Nebraska. I'm not from anywhere." Ruthie then did something that surprised Mike. She apologized for her behavior on the way back from San Jose to Salinas. The apology surprised him because she had never apologized for anything before. However, she justified herself by explaining that she was struggling with what she had learned about herself in Nebraska and was not yet able to articulate her feelings when riding in the car. OK, Mike thought to himself...that's half of what went on with her...now for the other half...why she called him from Salinas and was standing outside her apartment complex leaning on a sign. He asked her how come she was waiting for him near the manager's office: "My mom kicked me out." "What?!" "We got into a big fight...really big...at first it was about Rosa...'cause I helped her keep it quiet that she was gonna go in the Army. My uncle is pissed at both me and my mom, and my mom's pissed at me. And I told her that it was his fault that Rosa couldn't put up with his shit anymore and I didn't give a shit about his feelings...and my mom slapped me for cussing...and I told her to fucking stop...and then she was gonna slap me again...and I hit her on the arm...and she threw me out." Mike held out his hand. Reluctantly she let him hug her in the water. "I've got to go back to campus next Monday to finish my parking meter training. I'll be let back in my room early. You're welcome to stay with me...you know...until they open your dorm up." Ruthie nodded. "Until then, you can just stay here. We've got a guest room. You can crash there in the meantime." Again she nodded. He continued to hold her close, comforting her and enjoying the feeling of her body against his own. His emotions at that moment were very mixed. He was genuinely concerned about what had happened to her; however, he also was very pleased that she was so dependent on him. He would be her support in life: she would need him and because of that need, she would be unconditionally his. If she were cut off from her family and had no other friends, if he was the only person remaining in her life, then she truly would belong to him. He did not yet have enough experience in relationships to understand that love based on need is the same as love based on circumstances. His relationship with Ruthie would be every bit as fragile as the one he had with Lisa, unless he could somehow get her to love him for who he was instead of what he could do for her. ---------- That night Ruthie and Mike had dinner with his parents. Mike was uncomfortable because his mother gave his girlfriend several disapproving looks while Mr. Sinclair and Ruthie talked about Nebraska. The topic drifted to the state's geological past and the fact that the state still looked like a flat ocean of dirt. From there Ruthie and Mr. Sinclair talked about extinction and the ultimate futility of life. After she talked about the fossil animals, he chimed in with his knowledge of the Indian tribes that lived in the area during the 1800's and how their fate paralleled the fate of Ruthie's pterosaurs. Mrs. Sinclair, irritated by the morbidity of the topic, cast angry looks at her husband and their guest, but they both ignored her. Mike found himself cut out of the conversation, but he knew better than to interrupt. He simply ate and pretended to not see his mother's hostile expression. After dinner the Sinclairs and Ruthie satn chairs by the pool. The conversation about Nebraska became even more morbid, because Ruthie talked in detail about what happened to her grandmother. Mr. Sinclair was genuinely interested, because he knew enough about medical procedures to understand that much of what was done to Ruthie's grandmother was totally unnecessary. He pushed her memory back to various medications she had been given and was able to tell her which ones actually helped and which ones were prescribed simply to drive up the medical bill. Ruthie opened up to Mike's father about how she felt about her grandmother and the conflicting emotions she had experienced when she visited her grave. When she commented that she wished that she could believe that her grandmother's spirit was still with her, he responded: "Maybe that's for the best, Ruthie. When you think about it...I can tell you I'm real happy that my dad didn't live to see me lose the pharmacy...and I'd like to think he'll never know about that...not even in Heaven, assuming there is such a place...maybe the way you think just makes more sense..." Mrs. Sinclair excused herself and went upstairs, not interested in hearing any more of the morbid trans-generational talk about sickness, death, and oblivion. She was upset that her husband had openly admitted his doubts about Heaven to a stranger. That was not something she wanted to hear. It was clear her current life was never going to get any better and Heaven was the only hope remaining to her. She did not want that last hope taken away. After some more conversation, Ruthie's father had a small surprise for his son's girlfriend. He took her into the living room and showed her his collection of records. (Yes, Mr. Sinclair still listened to records.) Ruthie looked dumbly at the large black disks, never having seen any up close before. Mr. Sinclair found the record he was looking for, by a '70's group called Kansas. He took the record out of its cardboard cover and handed the cover for Ruthie to look at. He carefully laid the fragile plastic disk on a turntable. "Here. This is an old song...a bit before your time...but I think you'll like it. It was a favorite of mine when I was your age." Mike's father delicately placed the needle into a barely visible grove that separated two songs from each other. There were some pops and snaps as the record spun and the needle moved inward slightly. Ruthie listened to the following song that, in spite of having been popular a generation before, reflected her outlook on life more than anything she had ever heard: I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone All my dreams...pass before my eyes...a curiosity Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind... Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea All we do...crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind... Now, don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky It slips away, and all your money won't another minute buy. Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind Dust in the wind, everything is dust in the wind. "That's so cool, Mr. Sinclair! That's really neat! I wish I could get it on CD!" "You probably can...but you know; I'm old-school. Still listen to records and 8-tracks. But I'd guess it's on CD too." Ruthie borrowed a pen and copied the information from the album cover. Mike inwardly cringed. He hated the hopeless message of "Dust in the Wind", but undoubtedly within the next day or two he'd be spending some money to get a Kansas CD for Ruthie. ---------- Ruthie spent the next four nights at the Sinclairs' house. She slept in the guest room, while Mike slept in his own room. Ruthie was very grateful for the space and for being able to have some time to herself. Once she closed the door, the room was totally hers, because it never would have occurred to Mike to go in there when his parents, especially his mother, were present. It was strange to think that, even though Mike was just a door away from her, the unspoken protocol of the household dictated that he keep his distance if anyone else was present. The same was not true during the day. Mike's parents always were away during normal working hours, so the couple spent a lot of their time enjoying the pool and the house's other amenities. They spent almost all of their time during the days naked, especially Ruthie. She tried her hand at cooking several Mexican dishes for her boyfriend. When she cooked she put on an apron and Mike took pictures of her, finding her appearance wearing an apron and nothing else very amusing. They also spent a lot of their time enjoying the pool. Although the days were cool and overcast, the pool had a heater so it was comfortable to swim in. The only problem was getting out; withstanding the chilly air always was a challenge. Mike wanted to take advantage of having sex with Ruthie as much as possible when his parents were not home. Her naked body, constantly in front of him and beckoning to be touched and caressed, was a temptation he couldn't resist. She did not object. She relaxed as best she could and tried to give Mike what he needed. As long as she was properly lubricated, there was no problem from him entering her. Now that the couple could have sex in a relaxed setting, Ruthie made some discoveries about herself. She did not like being entered, but she did enjoy being massaged and caressed. Looking through the Sinclairs' collection of books, she found a manual on massage techniques. She showed it to Mike and asked him to try massaging her. They discovered that massages were something they both enjoyed. He liked touching her body and she enjoyed releasing control of herself and being touched. By the end of their stay at Mike's house she started massaging him as well. She started clumsily, but got better after a few tries. He clearly enjoyed it, especially when she massaged his bottom and the area around his penis. His reaction to her touches gave her an idea. She started to wonder if there was any way she could get out of enduring sexual intercourse but still "do her duty" by massaging him. ---------- Mike totally enjoyed having Ruthie to himself during the days. He never looked forward to his parents getting home, because once they pulled into the driveway, the fun part of the day was over as far as he was concerned. However, that was not true at all for Ruthie. She very much looked forward to seeing Mr. Sinclair in the evenings and talking to him. It was strange to watch what was going on during those four nights; that Mr. Sinclair and Ruthie were becoming friends. He spent a couple of hours showing her more of his old music. He seemed to know by instinct what songs she would want to hear: morbid or philosophical music from singers as diverse as the Eagles, Bruce Springsteen, Bob Seger...all of it music that predated the classic Heavy Metal that Mike preferred. One night Ruthie and Mr. Sinclair spent several hours talking about drug trafficking and violence in Sinaloa and Salinas. On the surface Ruthie seemed apolitical, but that was only true about events in the United States. It turned out she was very knowledgeable and insightful about what was going on in Mexico. She was able to share her personal knowledge about Culiacan and its most infamous residents: the drug cartel leaders. She talked about the city's dysfunctional culture and the criminals cruising around listening to narco-corridas. She repeated the outlook in life that she had given to Mike a couple of months earlier, that she believed organized criminal groups and the CEO's of large corporations would be the world's next ruling elite, and democracy as a system was doomed. That transition had already happened in Mexico, the drug cartels were in complete control and the ongoing violence amounted to little more than criminals consolidating their power over everyone else. Mr. Sinclair added his observations from what he had seen when he was still a pharmacist, about the diversion of medicine into illegal drug production and what impact it was having in central California. By the time the conversation wound down, Mrs. Sinclair had long since retreated from the living room. Meanwhile, Mike sat silent and envious that his father seemed so much better at getting his girlfriend to open up about her life than he was. In the conversations, Mike learned a lot about Ruthie, but only because he was present to hear what she was saying to his father. The Outsider Ch. 19 On her final night in the Sinclairs' house, Ruthie woke up at 1:00 in the morning. She could not get back to sleep, so she decided to go for a swim in the pool. The air was very chilly and steam was rising up from the heated water, which would be perfect for hiding her body if anyone else came out. She took off her shorts and t-shirt and stepped in. She had only been in the pool for a couple of minutes when Mr. Sinclair came outside, apparently with the same idea of having a mid-night swim. Before he had a chance to take off his bathrobe, she called out to warn him she was in the pool. He turned his back to her to give her the chance to get out, dry off, and get her clothes on. When she started shivering he handed her an extra towel, which she gratefully wrapped around her shoulders. Although both had intended to swim alone, once they were together they were reluctant to say goodnight. Mr. Sinclair went to the pool house and returned with two blankets. They settled into lawn chairs and looked out over the steaming water into the darkness. Ruthie wished so much that her father could be like Mr. Sinclair, instead of being a stupid drunk biker. She felt that she knew Mike's father well enough to entrust him with some details about Jake Burns. She talked about his irresponsible life, his bar-hopping and girlfriends, Debra, and her half-brother Jake Jr. He listened patiently until she ran out of things to say. There was a long pause; then Mr. Sinclair decided to change the subject. "Ruthie...I'm gonna have to get up early to go to work, so I probably won't see you tomorrow...but before you and Mike head out, I want to tell you a couple of things. First of all...I like you a lot, and I think my son's very lucky to have you. I can tell you that his mood is totally different now than it was back in September. I was worried about him...because...I don't know if you know this...but his last girlfriend really did a job on him." "I...kinda know about all that, Mr. Sinclair. But it wasn't all Lisa's fault. Some of it was, but Mike sorta messed things up too." "He told you what happened?" "Yes, Mr. Sinclair. He did." "Well...I guess that's for the better. Anyhow, you know...Mike's gonna need you. You need to understand that. Things around here are gonna get a bit rough, and he's gonna need someone he can trust. I'd hope that person would be you." "Mr. Sinclair...I...I'll do what I can...but just to let you know...I'm kinda messed up...I mean...I have a lot of my own issues..." "I know you do. Your issues are the same ones I have. Why do you think we've been able to talk so much...you and me?" Ruthie nodded, but did not know how to answer. Mr. Sinclair continued: "It doesn't matter that you have issues. What matters is how you treat the people you love. All I'm asking is that you're there for Mike...that you love him...that'll get both of you through a lot of problems." "Well, yes Mr. Sinclair...I do love him..." Inwardly Ruthie flinched, because...did she really love Mike? She was getting ever deeper into the relationship, without being able to define what she truly felt for him. It was certain that she did not love Mike in the same way he loved her...so what exactly did she feel for him? Ruthie was more uncomfortable than ever, because she realized that had Mr. Sinclair been 20 years younger and not married, she easily would have picked him as a partner over Mike. She felt more connected with the older man than with anyone else in her life. Finally they were ready to go back to sleep. Ruthie turned to look at her boyfriend's father one final time before entering the house. Their eyes met in the in the dim patio lighting. They didn't say anything more, but she noticed his sad expression. His words came back to her: "Your issues are the same ones I have." With that single glimpse of his face she understood what he meant. There was something about him that made her realize he was much closer to facing death and oblivion than most people. He fully understood his reality and accepted it. There was death in his voice, just as death always seemed to be so close to Ruthie. That must have been why they felt so close to each other; death connected them. Whether the topic was pterodactyls, or Indians, or Ruthie's grandmother, or Culiacan's drug traffickers, they could honestly talk about the ultimate reality of life. So...he must have realized that she had contemplated suicide. He knew, because he was thinking about doing the exact same thing. They truly did understand each other. She badly wanted to hug him. She later would regret not having done so. The Outsider Ch. 20 Chapter 20 - January in Davenport Mike and Ruthie left early the following morning to return to the university. Mike was very relieved to be headed back to Davenport, because the atmosphere at home totally depressed him. More importantly, the on-going conversations between his girlfriend and his father had made him extremely nervous. He was creeped-out by the relationship that had developed between those two, and by the fact that Ruthie totally loved a lot of his father's favorite music. She rolled her eyes at most of the Heavy Metal Mike liked to listen to, and yet was totally enthralled by that dead '70's stuff of Mr. Sinclair. The trip was very tense, because Ruthie was extremely moody, sullen, and quiet. Her emotions were in turmoil over her father's efforts to make up to her through giving her money, her mother losing it and kicking her out of their apartment, and her wistful conversations with her boyfriend's dad. She fidgeted in the car and nervously looked down, because she was unable to articulate everything that was going on in her mind. Now that she was out of Mike's house and away from his family, Ruthie had time to think about her own situation and the fight with her mother. She felt both guilty and resentful over what had happened. She had not meant to hit her mother, but at the same time she felt that Doña Lisette had it coming for striking her across the face. She knew that her mother would never see it that way. The church was very adamant; the duties of good parents included physical discipline when necessary. According to that line of thinking, Doña Lisette simply was acting within her obligation as a mother and in Ruthie's interests when she slapped her for swearing. Ruthie still was devastated by her mother's order to get out of her apartment, but deep down she knew that within a few days Doña Lisette would call her up, expect her to apologize, and the incident would pass. She knew it would be that way, because twice before the same thing had happened. Ruthie simply went over to her cousins' place to wait until her mother's temper calmed down. When she apologized, she was told to return home. She deeply resented having to apologize for something that she felt was not her fault. However, just like the business of pretending she still was a Christian, Ruthie was accustomed to making false apologies to get along with her mother. Anyhow, she had no choice. When classes were not in session, Ruthie still needed a place to stay and her mother's apartment was the only option she had. In spite of the hurt she felt at the moment, Ruthie tried to look at her mother in a fair manner. Doña Lisette was indeed a difficult person to deal with, but in her own way she did love her daughter and tried to be as supportive as possible within the limitations of her sparse education, unpleasant life experiences, religious brainwashing, and economic difficulties. Even the topic of the latest fight was a reminder that Doña Lisette had given Ruthie more freedom than her uncle had given to her cousin Rosa. Ruthie's mother did not object when she left home to go to college. Ruthie did not have to run away to pursue her ambitions, while Rosa did. Ruthie knew that her uncle also was furious at her, but as far as he was concerned, that was just too bad. Unlike her mother, she felt no obligation to apologize to her uncle. In reality she did not need him anymore, because the two cousins she had been close to, Gerardo and Rosa, no longer were living in his house. Gerardo was tied up with his wife and new baby, and Rosa was gone, probably for good. Meanwhile, the two younger cousins had turned into obnoxious delinquents. Her uncle and what remained of his household could go to Hell. Mostly to break his girlfriend's silence, Mike suggested having breakfast in Santa Cruz. Upon leaving the restaurant, they spent a very long time browsing through the used music stores in search of the titles Ruthie wanted. He obligingly bought her several CD's, including a greatest hits collection from Kansas. In a slight act of rebellion he insisted on playing one of his Queensryche CD's on the final stretch of the journey northward. If Ruthie wanted to listen to his father's music, she'd have to do it on her own time. ---------- Mike and Ruthie returned to his dorm and set up to live as a couple for the next week and a half. She had everything she needed to make herself at home in Mike's room. The best part of the arrangement, as far as she was concerned, was that Mike was at his job in training from 7:30 until 5:00. That meant that he left at 7:00 and was not back until 5:30. There was no one else on the floor, so Ruthie had not only the room, but the entire floor to herself. During the week before the staff arrived, Ruthie did what she most enjoyed doing, wandering around the building completely naked. She loved to walk up and down the hallways stretching her legs and go into places she normally would be prohibited from entering, such as the offices, the supply rooms, and the men's bathrooms. There was a room with some old gym equipment, so Ruthie did not need to go outside or get dressed to exercise. About mid-day she got on one of the treadmills and measured three miles walking and half-heartedly jogging. She finished up with a few arm exercises on another machine...nothing overly strenuous, just enough to wear off stress. She wished that she had access to the university pool, but the Rec Center was closed during vacation and anyhow, she would have been required to wear a swimsuit. Ruthie was happy to not have to deal with Mike during the days, but she tried to have everything set up to make his life as pleasant as possible when he came back in the evenings. As soon as he left the room, she straightened it and cleaned whatever clothing was dirty from the day before. The dorm had a kitchenette, so every afternoon Ruthie cooked dinner. Instead of eating in his room, they ate in one of the study rooms where they could sit properly at a table. He undressed before eating, and after their nude meal the two students showered together. He was grateful for the dinners and happy to think that he was getting a glimpse of his future domestic life with his girlfriend. To be able to enjoy a week of "normal" living with Ruthie made Mike love her even more. He became convinced that eventually he would want to propose to her. When she was not wandering the hallways or exercising or cooking, Ruthie relaxed. For hours she lay on her bed in Mike's room masturbating and listening to her new collection of '70s music. She especially liked the songs that had long instrumental parts, because her imagination could wander into other realities. Her mind drifted through the earth's past: sometimes she was standing on a cliff watching pterodactyls soaring over the inland sea, and sometimes she was wandering along the Devonian shoreline picking up trilobites from the shallow waters. Sometimes she imagined herself as a naked Phoenician dancing girl, her body standing out in front of the flames of a Temple fire as the entire city admired her. Other times she pictured herself as a servant girl in ancient Egypt, with nothing covering her body except a collar and a thin belt around her waist, kneeling and waiting on a Divine queen. Other times she imagined herself as a naked Druid priestess, her bare body shivering in the cold fog of prehistoric England. By the end of the week she had spent so much time in the nude that she had ceased to notice it. From Tuesday to Thursday she never left the building, which meant during that entire time not once did she have to put anything on. It was delicious to be able to live like that, but by the end of the third day being nude felt totally normal. It was lucky that the weather outside was overcast and cold, or she would have been very tempted to go out undressed and wander naked around the deserted university. Even so, if she was reasonably sure that no grounds-keepers were outside, every so often she succumbed to temptation and did a quick streak around the dorm. She returned after just a couple of minutes of running around Mike's building, winded and covered with goose-bumps. ---------- Ruthie's mother called three days after she returned to Davenport. She was crying, but did not say anything other than asking if Ruthie had safely returned to the university. Ruthie wanted to say: "well...I'm here, aren't I?" Instead she knew that it was up to her to bring up the topic of the fight and punching her mother's arm. Ruthie took a deep breath and apologized for the punch, saying that she did not know what got into her. Her mother responded: "Ruthie, you do know what got into to you. You let the Devil speak to you." Ruthie tensed up, but responded: "...yes Mom...I've been praying for Jesus to forgive me...and...I...I'm asking you to forgive me too." "You know it's gonna be hard for me...because of what you did to me..." "I'm sorry Mom...I don't know what else to say. I was wrong for hitting you." The conversation continued along those lines for a few minutes, as Doña Lisette tried to make Ruthie feel as guilty as possible over what had happened the prior week. Ruthie shook from anger and frustration, but she managed to play along until her mother "reluctantly" accepted her apology. Finally Doña Lisette hung up, satisfied that her daughter fully understood the terrible thing she had done. Ruthie sat quiet on Mike's bed for several minutes, trembling with impotence and rage. She stood up and with all her strength threw her cell phone against the wall. The case broke and the battery fell out. For several minutes she stared at the device as it lay on the floor. Finally she picked it up what remained. She noted that not only was the back cover broken off, but also the screen was cracked. Great...just what I needed...to have to buy a new cell phone... ---------- While Ruthie was relaxing in the empty dorm, Sam spent the week teaching Mike the remaining details of the duties that the student needed to know to be his alternate. They were able to concentrate on the technical parts of the job because meter collections had dropped to almost nothing. There were a few meters near the alumni center and the admissions office that still were being paid, but otherwise the parking lots were totally empty. Sam showed Mike how to fill in logbooks and place orders for supplies and how to account for money paid out to contractors for repairs and replacement meters. It was a lot to remember, because Sam was showing Mike how to do all parts of his job, not just collecting meter money. Most of it was tedious, but Mike knew that it certainly would look good on a résumé. As Mike gained his trust, Sam showed him some additional details about the university. For example, he showed his protégé the locations of all of the campus security cameras. Some of the cameras were turned on and some of them had been put up for show and were not even connected. Sam told Mike which cameras were which and how to tell if a security camera had been activated. It was rather strange information, but Sam pointed out that he knew of several incidences of students getting assaulted right in front of cameras that were not turned on. He pointed out a couple of places the campus police officers liked to hide out and rest, when they were supposed to be patrolling. He added with a sarcastic smile: "If you're thinking of doing anything naughty with your girl, now you know where to go and where to avoid." Once again, Sam had made a comment that left Mike wondering what, if anything, he was hinting at. ---------- During the week they had the dorm to themselves, Ruthie and Mike had sex every night. However, what they did together was changing now that massage had been added to their foreplay. Ruthie normally massaged Mike prior to sex. Because she wanted to shorten the intercourse portion of their sexual contact as much as possible, she got him aroused and hard before she let him get on top of her. He thrust vigorously, but then climaxed quickly. When he was done Ruthie breathed a sigh of relief. Then it was Mike's turn to massage Ruthie. While massaging aroused Mike, being touched put Ruthie to sleep. It was comforting to fall asleep under the touches of the man who loved her. Mike did not complain, because he enjoyed looking at and touching her naked body, especially her bottom and thighs. Mike still did not grasp that Ruthie did not enjoy having him inside her; that she viewed allowing him to enter her as a chore she had to fulfill as her duty to the relationship. Ruthie continued to be angry at herself that she did not enjoy sex with Mike, but she had accepted her situation and continued to keep it secret from her boyfriend. ---------- The Housing Department staff returned from vacation the second Saturday after New Year's Day. The directors set up in their offices and the RA's took up residence in their rooms. The cleaning staff was back at work, preparing the buildings for the influx of students who would be showing up a few days later. The return of the housing staff meant Ruthie's temporary refuge suddenly shrank to Mike's room. With other people running around the hallways, the freedom of running around in the nude that she had enjoyed for five days quickly ended. Starting on Saturday, she sullenly put on her clothes every time she left the room, totally resenting the imposition society was placing on her. The following Monday Ruthie returned to her own dorm to see what her living arrangements were going to be for the spring semester. She was desperately hoping that she could keep the room that she currently had to herself, but of course that was not to be. The receptionist told her that she would remain on the fifth floor, but that she would have to move to another room that she would share with a senior called Jen Gordon. Ruthie cringed at the thought of losing her privacy, but if Jen was a senior, hopefully she would be more serious and more compatible than Shannon. The fact that Jen was living on a floor of graduate students was a sign that, even if she was not compatible, at least she would be quiet. The receptionist gave Ruthie a key to her new room and told her to have her stuff moved within 24 hours. Sighing with frustration, Ruthie went upstairs, sadly looked at the room that had been her private space for a short time, and piled her stuff on a push-cart. When she entered the other room, it was clear that Jen had been there since the previous semester. Her side of the room was neatly organized. She had a lot of books and numerous photos of herself with classmates and relatives on her desk. There were posters and pictures on her section of the wall of some of the most beautiful landscapes Ruthie had ever seen. Several of the posters had "New Zealand" written on them. Ruthie picked up some envelopes from her roommate's desk. A couple of the envelopes had New Zealand stamps and return addresses. That's another positive sign, thought Ruthie. It looks like Jen's not from the US. Maybe this won't be so bad after-all. ---------- Jen showed up three days later, struggling with a couple of suitcases. She introduced herself and mentioned that had flown in from Vancouver, Canada, where she had spent Christmas with some friends. She was a bit taller than Ruthie, with reddish-brown hair and blue eyes. From the beginning Ruthie could tell that she had much more in common with her new roommate than she had with Shannon. She was dressed in jeans and an old baggy sweater, so it was apparent fashion was not a concern in her life. Under her baggy clothing Ruthie could tell that Jen's figure was more filled out than her own; more European-looking and more voluptuous. Like Ruthie, Jen wore no make-up. Later Ruthie would find out that Jen was 25, and that she had taken several years off to work before entering the university in Aukland. Jen was spending a year in California on a university exchange program. She spoke with what seemed to Ruthie a strange accent that was sort of, but not quite, British. She did not seem very friendly, but in a way that was totally different from the way Shannon had been. Jen's personality was quiet and stand-offish instead of abrasive and belligerent. She was the sort of person that took a long time to warm up to a stranger, but if one gave her time and space, eventually she would open up and become more social. Later she would confess to Ruthie one of the many things that totally irritated her about the US was the habit of people being friendly on the surface without taking a real interest in her. A pet peeve of hers was the American habit of saying "hello" by asking "how's everything going?" As she put it: "I don't want you to ask me how my bloody day is going, unless you really need to know." One detail was very clear from the start: like Ruthie, Jen did not like noise. The two roommates discussed their feelings about noise and discovered they were in perfect agreement about having a quiet room. It turned out that Jen had the same problem with a noisy roommate the previous semester that Ruthie had. The only difference was she was a lot more forceful about objecting to her roommate's noise than Ruthie had been with Shannon, so Jen had open fights with her roommate from the very beginning of the previous semester. Jen admitted that she was worried about having Ruthie as her new roommate because she was a freshman, but the dorm director had told her that Ruthie was a scholarship student and "nerdy enough for you, I'm sure." Ruthie did not appreciate what the dorm director had said about her, but there wasn't much she could do about it. After Jen had unpacked, Ruthie found out there was a specific reason her roommate wanted the room quiet. She laid out some art supplies on her desk and set to work on an illustration she had worked on over Christmas. It was clear she wanted to concentrate on the drawing and that she did not want any interruptions. Ruthie could feel an invisible wall of silence surrounding Jen as she was drawing. She said nothing more. Well, at least if nothing else, Ruthie would be able to study in peace in her own room. She decided that she would gradually continue moving her stuff out of Mike's dorm, which eventually would include her computer. ---------- The semester began the day after Jen showed up. Ruthie decided to cut back her hours at the coffee shop and take a full load of classes, because she was concerned that semester could very well be her last at Davenport State University. She still left every morning at 4:30 to open at 5:00, but requested that her shift end at 10:00 instead of 11:00 so she could make it to a morning class. Her manager was not at all happy about her request, but Ruthie knew he was stuck with her because no one else would be willing to open. Mike accompanied her to the bookstore and helped her carry heavy sacks bulging with overpriced books to his room, where she sorted and organized them by class. For the first three nights of the semester she stayed overnight with Mike. He was elated, hoping that she no longer was interested in using her own room and was planning to live with him. However, she had not made up her mind about what to do living with her older, distant roommate. Finally, on the third day after classes started, she told Mike that she apologized for the imposition that she had placed on him and that she would once again start sleeping in her own room. She could tell that he was hugely disappointed. However, the direction of their relationship was making her increasingly nervous because she still had not worked out what exactly she felt for him or what were her expectations for their future. Ruthie returned to the fifth floor of her dorm with a backpack full of books and notebooks. The room was so quiet that she thought Jen must be out. However, when she opened the door, her new roommate was working on one of her drawings. She was totally absorbed in her work and did not look up. However, she acknowledged Ruthie's entrance by waving a brush and then returned to her work. The Outsider Ch. 20 In spite of Jen's minimal greeting, Ruthie was both shocked and heartened by the fact that her roommate was wearing nothing but a black t-shirt. From the waist down she was completely naked. She made no effort to cover up, nor did she offer Ruthie any explanation about her state of undress. She simply continued working on her drawing. Ruthie wasn't sure what to do. She had been careful not to be naked around Shannon, but it was apparent that Jen wouldn't mind given that she was sitting at her desk bottomless. Ruthie decided to test her new roommate. Her heart was pounding as she took off her clothes and wrapped a towel around herself to take a shower. She spent several long minutes in the bathroom getting cleaned up and brushing her teeth, and nerving herself to return to her room and see how Jen would react if she remained naked while she was studying. Finally she did go back. She hung up her towel, spread her books on her bed, and pretended to study. Jen seemed not to take notice of her and continued working on her art project. After a few minutes Ruthie's nervousness wore off and she was actually able to concentrate. Jen finally finished her project for the night and put away her art supplies. She stood up and rummaged through her closet while Ruthie admired her voluptuous bottom...white and full and well-rounded, and her sexy thighs. Jen casually stripped off her shirt and wrapped a towel around herself. She left the room for a few minutes to get cleaned up. Ruthie remained naked on her bed, waiting to see what would happen when her roommate returned. When Jen came back in, Ruthie's heart pounded again. Jen cast a casual glance in her direction and commented: "I see that you don't fancy wearing knickers either?" Ruthie looked up and shook her head. "Not really...you don't mind me studying like this?" "No, of course not. Why should I mind?" Jen said nothing more. She put on a clean t-shirt but remained completely uncovered from the waist down. For several minutes she wandered about her side of the room getting ready for an early class the next day. Ruthie watched her, once again admiring her large white bottom and feeling the urge to run her hands over its soft smooth skin. Jen seemed not to notice. She turned out her light and got in bed. Ruthie stood up to put her books away. She suspected that Jen would say something if she left her side of the room disorganized, and the last thing she wanted was to offend a roommate with whom she had so much in common. So...it seemed that for once Ruthie had lucked out; that around Jen she could do what she most enjoyed doing. She turned out her light. For several minutes she lay naked on top of her bed, enjoying the thought that she could be undressed around someone other than Mike. She glanced over at Jen, vaguely wishing that she had not pulled the covers over herself. Finally, she pulled the sheet over her own body and went to sleep. ---------- The two women settled into their nightly routine within their first week together. Jen was never very talkative, but Ruthie figured out that was just her roommate's personality and nothing specifically directed against her. Anyhow, Jen's detached behavior was her only bad point. In everything else it turned out the two women were totally compatible. They both needed silence in the room to work on their respective assignments, they were asleep well before midnight, and neither was a partier. Like Ruthie, Jen had a boyfriend, but she never invited him into the room. Jen had a nightly ritual that would have seemed strange to most people, but Ruthie found it very appealing. The room they shared overlooked the edge of campus and had an unobstructed view of the Pacific Ocean. Just before she went to sleep, Jen liked to open the window and spend some time "unwinding" before going to bed, by quietly looking at the night sky and reflecting on life. During her "unwinding" time, she was perfectly quiet and asked Ruthie to be quiet during those moments as well. She put her hands on the window sill and just stood silent. Within a couple of days of moving in, Ruthie joined Jen during the minutes of "unwinding". While Jen leaned out the window, Ruthie quietly sat on the bed right behind her. It became a nightly ritual that the two women enjoyed...the cool air coming in the window...the silence of the room...and the Pacific that stretched beyond the horizon. It was time that they shared and yet time each spent alone...each student wrapped up in her own thoughts and reflections. During her "unwinding" Jen usually was bottomless, wearing just a t-shirt without any "knickers", as she put it. Ruthie always was completely naked. She loved the feeling of the cool air coming in through the window and caressing her bare body. She also enjoyed looking at Jen, studying her bare bottom and legs in the darkness. Her roommate's smooth round backside was so much more attractive than Mike's thin flat butt... ---------- Mike's training with Sam was suspended for the first two weeks of the semester. The supervisor instead ordered him to train two new students as ticket officers. If those two students were expecting a relaxed training, they were sadly mistaken. Mike was hard-core and saw to it that his trainees ticketed the meters instead of wandering the university looking for more interesting hits such as fire-lane violations. Mike's insistence that the new employees stay put instead of drifting around made them nervous, because they knew that the students abusing the meter spaces would return before their shifts ended and undoubtedly be abusive upon seeing the tickets. Mike made it clear that he cared less about what the violators thought of him, and by extension, what they thought of anyone he was training. By the end of the spring semester's second week Mike and his two trainees had cleared the freeloaders from lot Econ-A. Most of the meters were being used by people who were paying them and Mike had the lot under control. With that he released the two trainees, who immediately fled to central campus to spend their shifts wandering around doing nothing. When Mike's self-appointed task of clearing the meter violators from lot Econ-A was completed, he returned to working with Sam assisting him with collections and meter replacements. Nearly two generations separated them, but the two men continued to enjoy riding around campus and chatting about the university. They both liked gossip and exchanged interesting tidbits about various people working for both the parking department and the campus police department. Sam seemed to know all the dirt about the office staff and the miscellaneous affairs and scandals that had plagued the department over the years. As best he could, Mike reciprocated with what he knew about other student ticket-writers, although his information was not nearly as interesting as what Sam had to say. ---------- Throughout January Ruthie and Mike continued developing their relationship. Ruthie chatted incessantly about what she was learning in her geology classes as the couple walked around campus or went on hikes. Unfortunately the weather along the coast was cold and drizzly most of the time, so going to the beach was not much of an option. Instead, on weekends they went inland and explored. Two weeks after the semester started they went to Sacramento very early on a Sunday morning. Ruthie had something special in mind: she wanted to have Mike take some pictures of her standing in front of the state capitol building with nothing on. The Sacramento photo session was the most risky they had ever attempted, because of all the security around the building. Mike knew better than to argue, however. They came very close to being caught, but after several tries, they managed to time her posing during the few seconds that no one else was in sight. Once they had the pictures, Ruthie rushed to pull her dress over her head. They heard someone yelling at them, so they took off running. Fortunately whoever it was did not follow. Of all the nude pictures Ruthie had of herself, the ones she had taken in front of the California legislature were her most prized, precisely because of the challenge she had Mike had to overcome to get them. As for what they did on campus, their lives had settled into a routine. Ruthie's new schedule allowed her more time to eat lunch, which she always had with Mike. However, in the evenings Ruthie and Mike did not always eat together because of their class schedules. When Ruthie was in class Mike ate with his friends from the Danubian Solidarity Committee; when Mike was in class Ruthie ate with Jen. Jen seemed indifferent whether Ruthie accompanied her to dinner or not, but to Ruthie it was extremely important never to be seen eating alone in the cafeteria. Several times she saw Shannon or some of Shannon's friends looking at her with total disdain, so there was no way that Ruthie ever would humiliate herself by letting those bitches see her sitting unaccompanied. ---------- Throughout January Ruthie became increasingly skilled at massaging Mike. She started with him facing down, going from his feet to his shoulders. That part relaxed him, but when he turned over for her to work on his front, she concentrated on getting him aroused. She started with his shoulders and chest; then worked her way to his stomach and thighs. When she was about to finish she asked him to spread his legs so she could massage the insides of his thighs and his pelvis. She gently brushed his testicles and penis until he was hard. As soon as she saw a drop of pre-cum she stopped and lubricated herself while he put on a condom. One night she decided to try something different. She was having menstrual cramps and was in no mood whatsoever to have him enter her. When she saw the drop of pre-cum, she did not stop. Instead she continued massaging his pubic area and teasing his testicles. When he tried to sit up, she placed her hand against his chest to push him back down. Then she began massaging his penis. She stroked him back and forth until she felt his organ pumping in her hand. A few seconds later jets of white sperm shot out and splashed all over his stomach and chest. She winced slightly because she was totally nauseated at what she was seeing, but she continued pumping his penis. Mike arched his back and groaned with pleasure. Ruthie kept at it, determined to get all of the semen out of him before she stopped. He grabbed her thigh and groaned again as he emptied another round of cum onto his stomach. For some reason she was irritated when he grabbed her thigh, but she was relieved that she had managed to get him to climax without having to deal with actually having sex. When he finally went limp, she glanced at the disgusting mess on his stomach. The smell was unpleasant. She knew that in porn movies the woman would be expected to lick off the semen, but there was no way in Hell she would do such a thing, and Mike knew better than to suggest it. Ruthie got a towel and rubbed it over his body. She was hugely relieved. Mike's portion of the evening's pleasuring had ended. Now it was his turn to massage her and they would be done for the night. She made sure he was completely dried off before she threw the towel at his dirty clothes sack. She handed him the massage oil and lay down to wait for her massage. An hour later Ruthie and Mike got cleaned up. When he walked her back to her dorm, they were quiet. Mike was wondering about the strange thing Ruthie had done to him, getting him to climax without wanting sex herself. Ruthie, having made a valuable discovery, was wondering how often she could get away with giving Mike a simple hand-job without arousing his suspicions that she really did not enjoy having sex with him. ---------- Throughout the second half of January, Mike continued to help Sam collect coins from the meters. There were days the take was well over $ 15,000. As always, whenever Sam ran across a meter that was jammed, he casually dumped the coins into a beat-up plastic box stored in the toolbox of his pick-up truck. Mike didn't think anything about those coins for a while, but then he realized that he had never seen Sam bring those extra coins into the office to deposit in the coin counter. The next day he observed Sam and noticed that once again, his partner must have "forgotten" to bring in those coins. It seemed that every day Sam "forgot" about the money in his truck's toolbox. Mike smiled at the petty embezzlement, but then he realized it was not so petty. If Sam kept the earnings off ten to twelve jammed meters from each shift; that would amount to $ 500 per day, or $ 2500 per week. Not a bad way to supplement his salary. Mike never considered telling anyone about Sam's toolbox. As long as his co-worker was not putting him at risk, Mike had no motivation whatsoever to report the theft. What would he get out of it? Sam was a nice enough guy and was generous with offers of free Cokes and coffee...so what would be the point of doing anything against him? Besides, Sam had found a way to stick it to the system, to get a piece of the action for himself. Hey...as long as he had the guts to do it and could get away with it...more power to him. Taking coins was not something Mike would consider doing, but if Sam did it; that was not his problem. They next day Mike stood looking down a long row of meters, while Sam sat in the pickup writing some notes in a logbook. He thought about Ruthie's situation...how just $ 5,000 had made the difference whether she could continue with her studies or have to sit at home in Salinas doing nothing... $ 5,000...half of what Sam was taking out of the meters in a typical month. There were 30 meters in the row he was looking at. Multiplied by $ 50 per meter, that would be $ 1,500 in coins just from a single row. If one or two of those meters was jammed...and a couple more in the next row... Mike took a deep breath. No...he needed to stop thinking like that... The Outsider Ch. 21 Chapter 21 - A perfect job for Ruthie January ended on an ominous note for both Mike and Ruthie. Mike received an e-mail from his sister Colleen telling him that his parents had held a garage sale and sold off about half of their furniture. Even more disconcerting was the news that Mr. Sinclair had given Mike's sister all of his LP's and instructed her to sell them on the Internet. She found a collector that bought the entire collection, along with the record player. Once the sale was final and the records were shipped to the buyer, Mr. Sinclair told his daughter that she needed to declare the sale as income in her own name and that he would reimburse her if she had to pay any taxes. Mike talked to Colleen on the phone about what was happening to his parents. She was very worried, especially after disposing the LP's. The collection was one of their father's most prized possessions and would be irreplaceable, but he seemed very glad to be rid of it. At the end of their conversation she commented: "It's pretty obvious Dad's liquidating. He's trying to get rid of everything in the house that anybody could want. At the rate he's going, I wouldn't put it past him to pawn the car." ---------- While Mike was worrying about his parents' vanishing finances, it seemed that both of Ruthie's parents were determined to pressure her already rattled nerves. During their usual Friday conversation at the end of January, Ruthie's mother relayed several pieces of bad news in a single day: that a cousin in Sinaloa had been murdered and was found hanging from a bridge, that her hours at work had been cut and she probably would have to move to a one-room apartment, and that Gerardo's baby had a genetic problem and was in the hospital. Worst of all, Ruthie's younger cousin Alex disappeared for several days and then showed up seriously beaten. Ruthie suspected the worst, that Alex had been "jumped" into the gang he was hoping to join. Ruthie's mother doubted that, but admitted that Alex was getting into some serious trouble and his parents were in total denial about it. Anyhow, something was not well between Ruthie's uncle and his wife, because he was gone most of the time. Ruthie suspected her uncle's absence must have been part of the reason he seemed so detached from what was happening to his youngest son. The problems at home were wearing on Doña Lisette. She was less pleasant to talk to than ever. Her reaction was what Ruthie expected: she assumed that God was angry at her for some reason and it was up to her to figure out what she had done wrong. She speculated over the phone that perhaps her faith was being tested because the "end times" was approaching. Ruthie rolled her eyes, but as always, held her tongue. Nor was the re-surfacing of Ruthie's father, Jake Burns, doing anything to reduce her anxiety. He talked to her a couple of times and started dropping hints that she needed to leave California and move to Nebraska. On the surface he was trying to be practical, but Ruthie knew that he had an ulterior motive. If he could get his daughter to return to his house, he would have a free babysitter to look after Jake Jr. while he went out with his new girlfriend. Oh yes...just what Ruthie needed, to go to Lincoln and sit home on the weekends taking care of Debra's kid. By the end of January, Ruthie dreaded talking to either of her parents. Each was totally screwed up and both were projecting their problems and anxieties onto their daughter through guilt-tripping her. At times Ruthie wished she could somehow force Jake and Lisette to get back together so they make each other's life miserable instead of making hers miserable. More often she just wished they'd both vanish. She was very resentful that life had made her the offspring of such a pair of idiots. ---------- The ominous news from his parents' house prompted Mike to treasure his relationship with Ruthie more than ever. He was careful to make sure that she was always happy with him, even if that meant leaving her alone at times. As much as he would have liked her to be in his room continuously, he tried not to pressure her to come over, knowing that pressuring her to spend time with him would have the opposite result. He understood that he needed to be careful not to smother her or take up too much of her time... that she needed space and there were times she needed to be by herself. That was the most valuable lesson that he managed to carry away from his relationship with Lisa: that the moment Ruthie felt obligated to spend time with him against her wishes; that would be the beginning of the end of the relationship. She would have to want to spend time with him. He was smart enough to know that. Although she spent somewhat less time with him than she had the previous semester, Ruthie still was with Mike a lot and continued to rely on him for transportation, walking her back and forth to the library after dark, and as a companion during most of her meals. He also remained the only person with whom she really could have a conversation and who could help keep her thoughts grounded in reality. Mike's willingness to hear Ruthie out was especially important any day she had talked to either of her parents, because she suffered mood swings and depression after hanging up. It was only because of Mike that Ruthie could keep her anxiety attacks under control. ---------- During the first month of the semester, Ruthie and Jen established their routine in the room. The novelty of being naked around Jen wore off within a couple of days; Ruthie was able to be naked in her side of the room as much as she wanted and not have to worry about disapproving stares or unpleasant comments. She felt very grateful to have a roommate around whom she could be herself. Jen's habit of hanging out in the room wearing only a shirt helped Ruthie feel at ease being totally nude. Jen's attitude about nudity was much more casual than Ruthie's. Ruthie was a true nudist, determined to be naked as much as possible, just for the sake of being naked. Even if she was cold or there was risk involved, she still wanted to be naked. For Jen the issue was simply a matter of comfort. She had no particular desire to be outside in the nude, using a swimming suit did not bother her, and she did wear her "knickers" during the day. At the beginning Ruthie described some of her streaking adventures to her roommate. Jen responded that she had never streaked just for the fun of it. Two years before she once rode on her bicycle "starkers" as part of a demonstration against global warming, but she was with a bunch of other people and the protest only lasted a few minutes. She found Ruthie's fascination with having nude outdoor adventures very odd, but had the courtesy not to criticize. Most nights the two roommates had their "unwinding time" ritual. Ruthie noticed that Jen always looking towards the left when she stood at the window. Jen once explained that she was looking across the Pacific Ocean towards her home in New Zealand. She was so much anticipating going back. From what her roommate had told Ruthie about the country, she could certainly understand why. From way Jen had described New Zealand, it sounded like a true paradise compared to the crowded state of California. During their "unwinding time" Ruthie never wore any clothing, even if she was cold. Jen usually wore just her t-shirt. If it was warm enough sometimes she stood at the window fully nude, which for Ruthie was a treat. Jen always stood with her hands or elbows on the windowsill. She leaned over and supported her weight with her arms. As she sat on the bed just a few feet behind Jen, Ruthie's eyes usually were fixed on her roommate's large bare bottom. She never tired of looking at Jen's attractive figure. She loved studying Jen's butt whenever she had her back turned, not just during "unwinding time". Jen always covered herself up with a blanket when she went to bed. However, she was a restless sleeper that moved about a lot in the night. Normally within an hour or so she had the covers wadded up and pushed to the floor. Ruthie suspected that was why she normally wore the t-shirt to sleep in, to avoid waking up cold in the middle of the night after she uncovered herself. The room was dimly lit when they slept, because Jen liked having a nightlight near the door in case she needed to go to the bathroom. If Ruthie woke up in the middle of the night, she could stare at her roommate as much as she wanted in the faint illumination coming from the nightlight. Often, if Jen was sleeping with her back towards Ruthie, the freshman gently rubbed her clit and indulged in fantasy. There were times she imagined herself fondling and kissing those bottom-cheeks. She wanted to rub her face against Jen's backside, to feel the smooth soft skin of those lovely large mounds of flesh. There were times she fantasized about Jen sitting in a chair and making Ruthie kneel in front, instructing her to kiss the insides of her thick thighs and then...slowly she would guide the freshman's face closer and closer to her lovely vulva... "You be a good girl now, and make me cum..." Ruthie rubbed herself faster and faster. Cum...oh yes...cum...cum... She always felt very guilty afterwards. It was a good thing Mike was not present to see what she was doing. ---------- In spite of being a compatible roommate, Jen was not a gregarious person. It was clear that she never would warm up to Ruthie, although she always tried to treat her with respect. To some extent Jen indulged the freshman by letting her talk, which took up some of her time. She rightly saw Ruthie as a very vulnerable girl who had been traumatized by the atrocious treatment she had received the previous semester from Shannon. Even though Jen did not want Ruthie as a close friend, she did feel that Ruthie deserved to be treated decently. There were times, however, when the girl's chatting about her major and her barista job got on her roommate's nerves. By the beginning of February Jen was just starting to contemplate how she could get Ruthie to talk less without hurting her feelings too badly. A nice option would be to see if there was any way she could get her to fill up some spare time in the afternoons and have her out of the room. It turned out there was a possible solution. Jen was working as an assistant for one of the art department instructors and knew that he was looking for a student to pose for two of his classes: both of them life-drawing courses for beginners. There happened to be a shortage of models that semester because the Art Department had cut over-time and health benefits at the beginning of January, and several of the models working in the fall had quit to look for other jobs. That meant if Ruthie wanted, she could earn some additional money working for the art department. Jen brought up the modeling job to Ruthie over lunch. She correctly assumed her roommate would be interested in any job that would actually pay her to not wear any clothing. It turned out there would be no conflict between Ruthie's class schedule and the hours she would be working in the art building. As soon as they were done eating, Jen suggested going over to the art building and introducing Ruthie to the art instructor. Ruthie agreed. Yes, she was very interested indeed. Jen called the professor to make sure he was in his office and to give him the good news: "I think I found a model for you." "Great! For which class?" "Both. I'm bringing her over right now." "Jen, you're the best!" Upon overhearing that exchange, Ruthie realized she had just committed herself without knowing any details about her new job, not even how much she would be earning. Jen led Ruthie into the art building and introduced her to an ordinary-looking man in his late 40s'. Ruthie noticed his eyes scanning her body with an approving expression. He asked her some questions about her experience with art, to which Ruthie admitted that she had no direct experience at all, just a few miscellaneous details picked up from her readings of ancient history and biblical studies. The professor then asked her how she felt about her body and nudity. Ruthie's heart pounded when she responded that she enjoyed being naked and was used to not wearing any clothing when alone at home. "Well, this'll be a bit different. You won't be alone and you won't be at home. So you think you can handle it?" "I don't see why not. I'd think it'd be kinda fun." Ruthie's prospective boss directed her to a large classroom with about 40 easels. There were very large windows around the room that overlooked some tennis courts and a green space. There were no curtains on the windows, so anyone modeling would be in plain sight of people in the green space, especially at night. In the middle of the room there was a raised wooden platform that was about 2 feet higher than the floor. The professor pointed at it. "This is the models' platform...where you'll be spending most of your time working, at least for the next month. If the weather warms up in time, I might ask you to pose outside. So you're still sure you can handle it?" "I don't see why not." "One detail. We don't provide robes. You'll have to bring your own robe for breaks." "I don't have a robe, but that'll be OK." "You won't have time to get dressed during breaks. The only thing that's practical is a robe." Ruthie's heart still pounded. "Is it required? To put on a robe?" "No...it's not required...you don't have to cover up if you don't want. It's just that most people do." "I'll be fine. If I need a robe I can always get one later on." "OK...as long as you're comfortable...as the model, that's what matters; that you stay within your comfort zone." Ruthie's heart continued to pound, because she wanted to remain naked during the breaks and now had the approval of the instructor. Yes...this was gonna be fun! ---------- Ruthie broke the news to Mike over dinner, that she would be starting her new job with the art department the very next day. Mike was happy for Ruthie; that she had landed a job that she would enjoy, but he also was worried about what it could mean for their relationship. While it was true that Ruthie's hours of modeling would be during the afternoons, when he also was working, it would mean that she would have less time to study during the days, which would put her under more pressure in the evenings and weekends to keep up with her coursework. ---------- Ruthie showed up at the first art class wearing a loose dress and a pair of tennis shoes. As always, she was not wearing any underwear. She already had taken off her jacket and laid it on top of her backpack, which she had set in on top of some shelves. She had brought a blanket from the dorm to sit on and placed it on the model's platform. Ruthie leaned against the instructor's podium while the students filed into the class and set up at their easels. Most of the students were Ruthie's age and were evenly split between men and women. Ruthie looked at the instructor, who nodded to let her know it was time to get undressed. She kicked off her shoes and pulled the dress over her head, tossing it on top of her backpack. Totally nude, she casually walked to the model's platform and stood quietly. Forty pairs of eyes were looking at her. She was slightly nervous, but more than anything else she was enjoying the thought of being naked in front of so many people. "I'd like to introduce you to our new class model Ruthie. She will be with us for the rest of the semester. Please show her your respect, because we are very lucky to have her. Now, for our first session with our new model, we will do a simple standing pose. Please pay attention to how the light coming from the windows illuminates her body. I expect you to incorporate natural shadow into your images." The professor turned to Ruthie and told her to stand on the platform. After she stepped up, she felt very exposed and vulnerable, almost like she was naked on a stage. She assumed a casual standing pose, one that she was sure she could hold for 20 minutes. She would have to learn how to stay motionless during more difficult poses, but that would come later. For 20 minutes she stood quietly. Her eyes moved back and forth as she glanced at the forty students who were staring at her intently. The women were mostly indifferent, but a lot of the guys seemed excited to have a real-live nude girl standing only a few feet in front of them. The instructor walked around the room to check how the drawings were progressing and to keep the male students focused on working instead of staring. When the break came, Ruthie walked over to the instructor's podium to have a glass of water. Had she been any other model, she would have put on a robe before leaving the platform, but being the exhibitionist she was, she remained naked. She drank some water and stretched her arms over her head while the students changed their drawing papers. The professor was not sure what to make of his new model's total lack of modesty. She was ignoring art class protocol by not using a robe when she wasn't posing, but it was obvious that she was comfortable with her body, which was something the instructor appreciated. As long as she was at ease with her nudity, he'd respect that and have no objections if she wanted to remain uncovered throughout the breaks. Anyhow, her lack of inhibitions would serve the class well later in the spring, when the sessions would move outside so the students could practice drawing the human figure in sunlight. For the final part of her first modeling session Ruthie sat on the towel, once again in a simple pose that would be easy to maintain for 20 minutes. Already the novelty of what she was doing was starting to wear off, but hey...she was naked and she was getting paid for it. For Ruthie it didn't get much better than that. ---------- The art instructor showed his model a sketchbook with a series of poses that would be progressively more difficult as the semester progressed. Towards the end of the course she would have to attempt to mimic frozen movement such as a jump or a run. There also were poses that would be very difficult for anyone with any modesty at all, which of course for Ruthie was not a problem. On the third day of her modeling, the instructor told Ruthie to get on her elbows and knees, facing away from most of the students. The posture forced her to lewdly expose herself, something that she loved doing. It was a real rush to feel the cool air of the classroom blowing against her vulva and anus, knowing that forty people were intently studying the most intimate part of her body. Too bad it was only forty. She wished it could have been the entire university...or better yet...the entire state of California. Yes...she truly was an exhibitionist. Although she really enjoyed what she was doing, Ruthie was surprised that she did not make any new friends as a result of her modeling job. It turned out that she did not care for any of the students in either class. The majority of the people enrolled were freshmen and sophomores that were taking the subject as an elective. Very few had any talent for drawing: most of the works produced in the classes did not look like her at all. It was obvious that some of the guys had enrolled just to have the chance to see women without their clothes. At the beginning the voyeurs stood at their easels ogling Ruthie, but as the month progressed their interest in her waned and their drawings never got any better. Most of the female students were sorority types that had thought drawing would be easier than most other subjects. Although she realized it was silly, Ruthie took it personally when, at the end of each class, she saw the multitude of sketches that were poorly done and not flattering to her. The Outsider Ch. 21 There were a few declared art majors among the group who produced much better images than most of their flaky classmates. The artists were serious about their training, but they looked at Ruthie in the detached manner as a "subject", not very different from a bowl of fruit or any other inanimate object. Ruthie had wondered about possibly making friends with some of the more serious art majors, but personality issues, both hers and those of the art students, got in the way. As always, Ruthie's nervous behavior and difficulty making small talk complicated her efforts to make new friends. She could not talk about art because it really did not interest her, while geology was not something the typical art major would want to hear about. Besides, the artists tended to be so wrapped up in themselves, that in comparison they made Jen look like the picture of friendliness. They were a cliquish group that did things Ruthie did not approve of, such as defacing their bodies with tattoos and piercings, and using ecstasy and pot. ---------- By the end of February Mike realized that his relationship with Ruthie had not changed as much as he had feared it would a month earlier. Her failure to make any new friends, along with her experiences with some of the male art students, kept her emotionally tied to him. Several guys enrolled in life-drawing tried to hit on Ruthie. However, it was clear the only reason they were interested in her was because they had seen her in the nude day after day and assumed that she was "easy". Even for someone as socially inept as Ruthie, it was obvious they had no interest in getting to know her as a person. She rebuffed them by telling the truth, that she had a boyfriend. When one guy was overly insistent, she asked Mike to pick her up from class to show everyone she was indeed off-limits. She took his arm and glanced at the art student who was pressuring her. See? I told you I had a boyfriend... Mike had to take a break from his parking job to get her, so he arrived in his uniform and received a lot of hostile looks. Ruthie never realized it, but having Parking Officer # 036 come into the building finished off whatever chances she might have had connecting with someone in the art department. Nearly all of the students enrolled in the two courses had received numerous meter violation tickets from that hated "Parking Nazi". Now everyone knew the class model was his girlfriend. Once again, even in the art department Ruthie Burns was an outsider. She didn't belong with the art crowd any more than she belonged with any other group. She couldn't relate to them. It seemed that, no matter what, life always pushed her back into Mike's arms. He always was there for her...the only solid part of her existence that she could count on. He was her companion, really the only person in all of Davenport who even cared whether she lived or died. During one of her counseling sessions Dr. Hartman pointed out: "Remember, there's a lot worse things to base a relationship on than the need for companionship." ---------- At the end of February Doña Lisette changed apartments. She had to move out of the relatively comfortable place she had shared with Ruthie over the past six years because she no longer could afford the rent. The place she moved to was a single room unit in a complex that was considerably more run-down. She could not deal with the humiliation of having her fellow church-goers assisting her and her brother still was not speaking to her. That left only one person who could help her move: her daughter. Ruthie drafted Mike to help out. He drove his girlfriend to Salinas, rented a van, and showed up at her mother's place. Doña Lisette was not very talkative, even though she was grateful that he had made himself available to help her with her stuff. She packed boxes while Mike and Ruthie exhausted themselves lugging cheap furniture down the steps and loading it into the van. The young couple exchanged looks the first time they saw her mother's new apartment. Ruthie summed it up best by commenting: "This totally sucks." They spent all afternoon exerting themselves, but finally, after four trips in the van, they had all the furniture and boxes moved. Mike returned the rental and showed up in his own car. Ruthie and her mother thanked him by having dinner ready. They ate quietly. Mike could tell that his girlfriend's mother was depressed from being forced to let him see what had happened to her. As she ate her joyless dinner, Ruthie's nervous eyes scanned the small dank dwelling. She was angry that, after so many years of loyal service to her employer, the only reward her mother had received was to be bumped down from full-time to part-time status. The new hours meant not only the loss of a third of her income, but also the cancellation of all her benefits. The only consolation was that she hadn't been laid off...yet. ---------- When they returned to Davenport, the two students walked to the observatory that overlooked the Pacific Ocean. Ruthie badly wanted to be held as she tried to make sense out of what had happened that afternoon. She was very grateful to have her companion's arms around her and his body shielding her from the cold night breezes. She pulled his hand to her lips and kissed it. I don't know what you see in me, Mike, she thought to herself. I'm a totally sucky girlfriend. Her thoughts turned back to her mother. She mumbled: "So much for 'el sueño americano'." "Yeah...I guess so..." "You know...all she needs is an apartment. Just a fucking apartment. And now she can't even have that." Mike remained quiet. He was depressed, but his depression was changing over to anger. He knew that an era had passed, a time that working hard and being productive meant anything. His father had worked hard all his life, only to lose his house and his business. Ruthie's mother had worked hard all her life, only to end up as a part-time employee living in squalor. It seemed that no one got ahead by working hard anymore. Across the US there were millions...tens of millions of Mr. Sinclairs and Doña Lisettes...honest people pushed into the dirt by paid-off politicians and sociopathic CEO's... So what does all that really mean? What kind of nation are we turning into? Mike thoughts turned to his co-worker Sam Rayburn, with his lazy temperament, his plot of land in the mountains, and the daily bucket of coins that paid for his laid-back lifestyle. That ain't working, that's the way you do it. Your money for nothing... Sam was the one who had everything figured out. Everyone else that Mike knew, himself included, had been played for fools. The Outsider Ch. 22 Chapter 22 -- Extra income When Mike went to work the following Monday, his mood had not improved from the way he had felt over the weekend. He was very angry about what had happened to Doña Lisette, partly because he was worried about the effect it might have on Ruthie and her temperament, and partly because of his concept of fairness. Ruthie was depressed and moody enough as it was, and it was certain that thinking about her mother wasn't going to improve her outlook on life. It was strange to think that just a year before his attitude about the woman's predicament would have been totally different. The idea of an immigrant having her work hours cut would not have bothered him; his response would have been "if you don't like it, go back to Mexico." Well, that was a year ago. Now it was a situation that hit home because it involved not an anonymous immigrant, but his girlfriend's mother. ---------- After completing his morning classes, Mike arrived at his job to find his co-worker Sam in his usual spot in the parking garage, sitting in the parking truck waiting for him. Right away Mike noticed that Sam was not his usual laid-back self. Although he was doing what he could to hide his emotions, he seemed pensive and was visibly worried. "Are you OK, Sam?" "Yeah...OK...but it looks like you're gonna have to hit the ground running. Solo for a while." "Why's that?" "Management called me in. Told me that I'm way overdue to take my vacation time...that I've got six weeks of use-or-lose leave built up. I said...'it don't bother me...I ain't got nowhere to go', but Don...you know, from personnel...says: 'Sorry Sam...it doesn't work like that. You've gotta take your time before the end of the semester, or we'll have the university after us. So guess what? Enjoy your vacation. We'll see you in six weeks'." "But what's the problem? If you've earned your vacation, why wouldn't you want to take it?" Sam paused for a moment, as though he was trying to come up with a credible answer. "I dunno. It's just that you get used to your routine...and now I've gotta spend six weeks sitting at home looking at the old lady and doin' nothing. And I guess I was hoping you'd get a bit more experience before you'd have to fly solo." "Sam...I'm sure I'll be fine. Do you have a number where I can call you if I have a question?" "Yeah...a number...good idea." Sam wrote two phone numbers on the back of a ticket envelope: his house number and "the old lady's cellphone". "OK...looks like you're it...for the next six weeks. See you at the end of April. Good luck, and if you need anything...call me." Sam was quiet for a moment, and then added: "Listen...you're gonna figure out there's two ways of doing things around here. The management way and the common sense way. If you have any questions about which is which, give me a call." Sam took a deep breath, shook Mike's hand, and got into his own car. Mike watched as he pulled out of the parking garage. He reported to the dispatcher to pick up a radio and returned to Sam's office to get a box of batteries out of the refrigerator. He opened up the toolbox, and saw his co-worker's plastic bucket. Sam must have forgotten to take it out, but he did remember to take out the coins from his last shift. Mike drove out of the garage and took the pickup truck to the motorpool to get gas. Poor Sam, he thought to himself. It was obvious he had procrastinated taking his vacation for several years and it finally caught up with him. If he had not known ahead of time that he was going to be forced to take time off, there was a very good chance that he was not prepared to live off nothing but his legitimate salary for six weeks. Times were going to be tight at home, and he would have a hard time explaining to the "old lady" why all of a sudden he had no money. As Mike drove back to campus another thought occurred to him. Sam had a much more important reason to be worried than just the sudden loss of his extra income. Assuming Mike turned in the money from the jammed meters instead of keeping it, every day there would be an extra five hundred dollars from meter collections. That probably was not something that would be noticed for a while, until the finance unit ran a comparison. After several weeks, management would realize that with Sam absent on vacation, meter collections were consistently up by several hundred dollars every single day. Then what? Anyone in finance with any brains at all would start asking questions. Mike felt bad for Sam. He had never seen his co-worker worried before, and seeing Sam worried was not a pleasant sight. He felt guilty because now that Sam was not in control of the meter collections box, it was very possible he would get in trouble. Various scenarios played out in Mike's mind. The most likely simply would be that Sam would be closely watched upon getting back and would have to lay low for a while. Maybe he'd be transferred or forced to retire. That would suck. Or maybe it would be worse than that. If there was an investigation...would it be possible that management, or even the police, would ask Mike what he knew? How would he respond? Mike pushed that thought aside and began his routine collecting money from the meters. He vaguely hoped that he would not come across any that were jammed. He opened up the back of each meter casing, pulled out the canister, and dumped the coins into the metal box. The first coins made a loud clattering noise as they hit the bare metal; rattling Mike's already stressed nerves. The seventeenth meter of the day's route was jammed. The first quarter that had gone in fell sideways and was blocking the opening of the canister. For two days quarters had piled on top as people continued paying the meter but no coins could drop down. The canister was empty and the equivalent of three rolls of quarters spilled out when Mike opened the casing's door. Mike picked up the coins and put them in Sam's bucket. He fished out more quarters from inside the casing, checked to make sure the meter was still working, and put back the canister. The afternoon progressed as Mike continued emptying canisters. It seemed that, just to taunt him, more meters than usual were jammed; eighteen altogether. Then came another taunt, from the radio station: That ain't working...that's the way you do it. Your money for nothing and your chicks for free... When he drove out of the parking lot, Mike was so stressed that he wasn't watching where he was going. He nearly hit a couple of frat guys driving an Escalade. "HEY you stupid parking Nazi! So you want a piece of us? Come-on faggot!" "Uh...sorry guys...I..." "Awww...the parking Nazi is sorry!" "Look...I wasn't watching. I said I'm sorry. What more do you want?" To Mike's alarm one of the frat guys took out a pen and copied his officer number. By regulation he had to give them his name as well. Great. Just what he needed...to have a complaint filed against him the first day he was out in Sam's truck. And there was no doubt there would be a complaint filed, because those guys hated Mike and would be more than happy to do something that would get him in trouble. There was nothing more for him to do but finish the meter collections and turn in the money. Just as he was about to head back to the parking garage, Mike heard his radio beep. "Officer # 36, this is Officer # 06. Where are you right now?" Shit. Officer # 06 was the shift supervisor. "Officer # 06, this is Officer # 36. I'm just finishing with the meters by Engineering." "Officer # 36, this is Officer # 06. Roger that. When you get back, I need to talk to you. Do you copy?" "Yes, Officer # 06. I copy." Mike was sweating with stress and worry as he returned to the parking garage. He knew that he faced a "talking to" by the shift supervisor. Sure enough, as soon as he unloaded the box of coins and had it dumped its contents into the coin counter, the receptionist told him that the supervisor wanted to see him. As soon as the student was in his boss's office, the supervisor closed the door. For the next fifteen minutes Mike withstood being yelled at for being "an irresponsible little shit" and causing trouble for the parking department. Of course, in their complaint, those frat guys exaggerated what happened and stated that Officer # 036 had been rude, unapologetic, and belligerent about his reckless driving. On top of that they claimed that he had called them pair of "frat fags". What mattered to Mike's boss was not the truth, but the fact that one of his employees had been careless with university equipment and exposed the department to a complaint. It did not matter that Mike had earned a huge amount of money for the department for all his hard work ticketing, nor did it matter that from the very beginning Mike admitted that it was he who nearly caused the accident. After spending fifteen minutes being yelled at and threatened, Mike left the office feeling total despair. He saw himself for what he was, an un-respected and disposable student employee. It was obvious that whatever he had done for the department during the previous semester had no impact on how the managers saw him. When he returned to Sam's truck, he took out the box of unused batteries to put back in the refrigerator. His eyes fell on the bucket of coins. He had honestly forgotten about them, with all of the stress over being reprimanded. Screw taking in the coins. He'd deal with the money tomorrow. He took out three defective meters and put them on Sam's desk, ready to box up and send to the contractor for fixing. Just as he was about to fill out the address labels, his cellphone beeped with a text message. He looked to see what it was. More bad news, from his bank. He had maxed out his overdraft protection and had to pay a $ 50 service charge. Mike stood up. Fuck the bank. Fuck the meters. Fuck this job. Fuck Officer # 06. He picked up the phone and was just about to call his supervisor and tell him to take his parking job and shove it, when Sam's words came back to his mind: "This job's what you make out of it. Just like any other job. It's what you make out of it." Now Mike was certain that he understood what Sam was trying to tell him. He understood why his mentor had shown him all those places hidden around the university, and told him all the dirt about how the campus cops were slacking on their shifts. He also suspected that Sam had let him seen what he was doing with his coin bucket on purpose. This job is what I make out of it... Mike looked around the parking garage. There was no one in sight. He knew, because Sam had told him, that the security camera was turned to face the main door and its range did not include the spot where the meter truck was normally parked. Mike looked at the bucket of quarters hidden in Sam's toolbox. How much money was in there? How many textbooks would it buy? How many nights out with Ruthie? Maybe...even enough for a mortgage payment? At the very least, there was enough money to replenish Mike's overdraft protection and keep him from getting hit with any further service charges. Mike struggled with himself. He hoped that God would somehow communicate to him, because he was about to turn his back on the values he had been raised with. He still wanted to believe there was a place in this world for people who were honest. There wasn't, of course. How many times had his father prayed, gone to church, waited patiently for guidance, or intervention, or even simple encouragement, only to receive deafening silence as a response? Now Mike was receiving the same response...silence. Words could not describe what happened to Mike at that moment, as he stood alone in the parking garage staring at a bucket of coins sitting in a toolbox in the back of a pickup truck. He had always seen himself as morally superior to most other people, but in an instant that ended. There was no point in trying to be morally superior. Just like everyone else, he had to exist within the set of circumstances life had laid out for him. He needed to resolve his overdraft protection problem, and the only way to do it was to help himself to that bucket of coins. A piece of the action. This job is what you make of it. I've been played for a fool...just like everyone else... Nervously looking around to make sure no one was watching, Mike pulled the bucket out of the tool box and set it in the cabin on the passenger's side on the seat. His backpack was on the floor. He opened it up, poured out the bucket's contents, and with trembling hands closed the zipper. Then he returned the bucket to the tool box. He was afraid, having realized that it was totally stupid to have done such a thing in the parking garage. He'd have to go to one of Sam's hiding places for the next bucket...and yes, there would be a next bucket...and one after that. Mike knew that there was no way he dared walk out of the parking garage with his backpack loaded down with coins. He had to take the truck back out. He got on the radio: "Dispatch, this is Officer # 036. Over..." "Go ahead, Officer # 036." "I'm going over to Econ-A. I need to swap out a meter." "Roger that." Mike did drive in the direction of Econ-A, but he kept on going. He drove to the dorm lot and parked behind his own car. He opened the trunk and moved his backpack. There. It was done. That money now belonged to Mike Sinclair. A few minutes later Officer # 036 returned to the parking garage and turned in his radio. He was pale and nervous. The dispatcher gave him a strange look, as though she was fully aware of what he had just done. Mike then called Ruthie to let her know he'd be a bit late for dinner because he needed to run an errand at his bank. When he got there, they were still open, but just about to close. He lugged his backpack up to a teller. "Here. I got a phone message about an overdraft. Is there still time to fix it?" The teller brought up Mike's account information. "If you can make a deposit for the full amount by close-of-business, we can waive the fee...since it's your first time." "All I've got is some coins...uh...out of my dad's...uh...vending machine...can I deposit them?" "Sure. They're not wrapped?" "No." The teller dumped the coins into a coin counter. She handed Mike a receipt for $ 656.25. Of that money $ 500.00 went to replenish his overdraft protection, leaving him with a positive balance of $ 156.25. The fifty-dollar fee was waived. Mike was just about to leave when he realized that in the future it was likely he would need coin wrappers. He asked for some. "How many do you need?" "As many as you can give me." The teller handed him several batches of wrappers. ---------- At dinner Mike was content to let Ruthie talk about her modeling job and her classes. Normally he was interested in what she had to say, but that night he just wanted her to talk and not have to pay attention to what she was telling him. It was not that he was tired of her. More than ever he wanted her with him, to assure himself that his life still had some purpose to it. But during dinner he was lost in his own thoughts. Outwardly, the day had been a fairly ordinary one, apart from getting reprimanded by the shift supervisor. In the morning he went to class, in the afternoon he went to work, after work he straightened out a banking problem, and now he was sitting with his girlfriend in the cafeteria. And yet, the day had been one of the most important of Mike's life, one that changed his entire world-view. During that day, he lost a lot of himself. No longer was he thinking about things such as Mega-Mart and how to prevent the deterioration of the United States and bigger issues such as the meaning of life. Instead, now that a large amount of cash was within his reach, his thoughts were focused on paying off his credit cards, building up his bank account, and getting the money he needed to cover his university expenses for the next few months. Mike had no intention of telling his girlfriend what he was doing. His main reason was to protect her; if he were to be caught, she could not be blamed if she didn't know anything. Mike also knew that Ruthie would think less of him if she knew he was supplementing his income with stolen quarters, because in her own way she was idealistic. The squalid detail of Mike stashing coins in his backpack was not something she needed to know about. When he first realized what Sam was doing, he had been tempted to share it with her and hear her thoughts on the matter, but later on was very glad he stayed silent. As he sat quietly, Mike realized that another thing in his life had changed, apart from how he viewed himself. For the first time since he met her, he was keeping an important secret from his girlfriend. He had promised her that he would never have any secrets from her, and yet now he had one. He felt guilty about violating that trust, even though it would not have done either of them any good whatsoever for her to know. ---------- The next day Mike was nervous as he spent his afternoon twisting canisters and looking at meters. His heart jumped with both fear and anticipation whenever he opened a meter casing and coins fell out. That was "his" money. When his shift was close to ending, he nervously entered the parking office with the meter collections box on rollers. Fortunately for Mike, the receptionists assumed that his unease resulted from being yelled at the day before, because the story about the reprimand had made its way around the office. With his heart pounding, Mike took Sam's truck back out and drove to a secluded handicap spot that was concealed behind some bushes. He poured out the day's coins from the jammed meters into his backpack, drove to the dorm where his car was parked, moved his loot, and returned to the parking garage. For the next six weeks, the trip to the handicap spot, and then to his car, would be part of Officer # 036's daily routine. Within a week, whatever guilt Mike felt about taking a backpack full of quarters as a daily perk from his job had vanished. The only concerns he had were to avoid getting caught and to make the best of his six weeks. However, being the analytical person that he was, Mike thought about his situation and tried to make sense out of what he was doing, to justify in his own mind why he had the right to take money from his employer. The reprimand certainly helped, because the afternoon shift supervisor made it very clear that he held the student in low regard and that he could be replaced at any time. If that was the way the Parking Department was going to treat him, then they deserved to get ripped off. Anyhow, what would they do with the money? Spend it on stupid crap like parties for the secretaries and decorations, or for things such as regional conferences and trips for the supervisors. As Sam would say: "Ain't spending it on us, that's for sure." Mike knew that he was doing his partner a huge favor by following his lead with the coin bucket. There would be no change in the daily amount of money from meter collections during his absence, so upon getting back Sam's life would return to normal. Mike did resent the fact that he would only have access to six week's worth of money, but he had to remind himself not to be too greedy. Just a week before, he didn't have access to any coins at all. Apart from getting revenge for the reprimand and the idea he was covering for his co-worker, the main justification running through Mike's mind was "this is the way my official salary ought to be". He was not stealing because he wanted to live a life of luxury: he was stealing to pay off his debts and to have some money left over for the next semester. In a fair society any salary should cover a person's basic expenses, and in the case of a university student, why shouldn't a salary cover the full cost of college? Why should Mike, or any other student, go horribly into debt just to pay for education? Wouldn't society be better if jobs paid so well that when a student was working, that effort would be sufficient to pay for the university? Other countries paid everything for their university students...why can't the US? It was a pity that Mike had to put himself at personal risk, just so he could have a decent life that by all fairness should have been a guarantee from society to anyone willing to work. The Outsider Ch. 22 ---------- During that first week that Sam was away, Ruthie noticed that Mike had changed. It was hard for her to define the transformation that had taken place in her boyfriend. It was subtle and yet for her very noticeable. In some ways he was slightly more relaxed, but in other ways his personality seemed to have hardened. It was almost as though he had gotten older. He was more willing to take the initiative during their time together, including what happened during their time together in bed. He seemed less interested in the political topics that had fascinated him since she had met him, and he even skipped the weekly meeting of the Davenport chapter of the Danubian Solidarity Committee. He seemed less bitter about his life and less resentful over what had happened to his parents. During the entire week she did not hear a single rant against Mega-Town Associates, nor any comments about the spoiled "beautiful crowd"; the elite students who drove around campus thinking the world owed them deference. The only thing she could guess was that perhaps Mike's father had found a solution to his problems, although her instincts told her that was not likely. It had to be something else. She did observe something very strange whenever they went out; starting on the Friday night after Sam went on vacation. Mike took her to Santa Cruz for dinner, to a nice restaurant where the bill was $ 80. He was not bothered in the least by the cost. He surprised the waitress by handing her eight rolls of quarters. He left a roll of quarters on the table as a tip. When they stopped for gas, he handed over another three rolls of quarters. They stopped at a couple of used book stores, and he bought her several books with yet more quarters. She hugged him in gratitude, but was curious to know why he had so many quarters. He responded with a lie, claiming that he had saved all his coins when he was in high school and was now spending them. ---------- Ruthie was more conflicted than ever about her relationship with Mike. There was not a chance she would leave him, because he provided her with the only companionship she had in her life. He was always there for her: to take her out, to calm her down when she had an anxiety attack, to escort her around campus, and most importantly as someone to talk to. If she was away from him for too long, she felt lonely and unprotected, because she did not have anyone else to keep her company. So...what was the problem? She had a hard time figuring that out. As she sat in Dr. Hartman's office, she tried to work out her feelings towards her boyfriend. She did not love him romantically. There was not a hint of sexual attraction. She had no idea what she wanted from him for the future; even the thought of any future at all made her cringe. Dr. Hartman speculated that Ruthie did love Mike, but in a platonic or family way, similar to the feelings she might have had for her cousins Gerardo and Rosa, only more intense. She wanted Mike as a big brother, not as a romantic partner. Ruthie considered that suggestion. A big brother. She had never had a big brother; the closest to that was her cousin Gerardo. ---------- As her confidence in Dr. Hartman increased, Ruthie was able to talk more openly about her problems with Mike and sex. She told the counselor about the first time she tricked him into settling for a simple hand-job instead of allowing him to enter her: "I kinda played a little trick on Mike...sort of a naughty one. We got cleaned up and I told him I'd give him a massage and got him worked up...but I had my usual thing about having sex with him, so I sat next to him and kept touching him...and got him to come...I knew that he wanted to have sex, but I managed to get out of it. I made sure I got it all before I stopped massaging him..." Ruthie noticed that Dr. Hartman was smiling slightly. She continued: "It was a disgusting mess all over his stomach... I kinda said 'oops', but I was giggling because it was what I wanted to do..." "Oops, like you didn't mean to bring him?" "Yes, Dr. Hartman...like...oh too bad...sort of...I mean, I don't feel bad about it because I did get him to come...it's just I got out of having sex. I'd like to do that more often. But looking at all that semen all over his stomach was kinda gross." "You shouldn't worry about that. Most men aren't all that picky about how it happens. I'm sure he was just fine with it." "He sort of is...worried about it, I mean...he likes to come inside me." "Which is not your favorite activity..." "No. So I got out of it. Yay!" "And yet, he got to come... so it really was a win/win." "I 'spose that's true Dr. Hartman, it's not like he was mad at me or anything. The only thing...was that seeing all that semen on him was a gross-out for me. He let me clean him up with a towel, which I was glad." "That was nice...so he didn't want you to..." "I couldn't have done that. At the very beginning of our sex I told him I can't do oral. I'm grossed out by the thought of a penis in my mouth." "Well, does he accept that, or does he sometimes bring it up?" "He accepts it. As I mentioned a while back, I told him that I have sensitivity problems in my vagina and he will have to understand it's something I can't help. If he were different, I know he would have left me over the sex issue, but that is not a central part of our relationship. We're both very lonely, and we're together out of companionship." "Remember what I said a while ago. There are worse things to base a relationship on than a need for companionship." "I realize something though. In some ways I'm with him like I am with my mom. With her it's religion. With him it's sex. I submit to doing things that are not in my nature to just get by." "Once you graduate and find a job, you'll be able to be yourself more. Just hang in there!" "That seems so far off, Dr. Hartman. So far...Anyhow...what am I gonna do with Mike? I can't marry him. I don't want kids. Right now the sex issue is something I deal with maybe twice a week...to have to do that every night? I couldn't." The counselor nodded. "I don't know, Dr. Hartman. He's already talking...like where would I like to live in the future, what kind of house would I like, that sort of thing. And he mentioned kids. I didn't say anything but the very thought of that makes me cringe. So I get nervous...I get these anxiety attacks. But the problem I have is that I'm real scared of being alone." The Outsider Ch. 23 Chapter 23 -- A collar from Mrs. Peters Ruthie struggled with another issue during March. She realized something she really had not wanted to think about. Increasingly she was attracted to Jen. Whenever the two women were in the room together it was very hard for Ruthie to keep her eyes off her roommate. The two roommates continued their nightly ritual of "unwinding time" at the window. "Unwinding time" was a chance for Jen to relax and look across the Pacific Ocean towards her home in New Zealand. For Ruthie "unwinding time" was something she always looked forward to with anticipation, but for her there was no relaxing. Her hungry eyes were always fixated on Jen's body and her mind was running wild with sexual desire. Ruthie was keeping a strange secret from Mike, one that she could not have articulated even to herself. If Jen had shown even a hint of attraction towards her, Ruthie would have done anything her roommate wanted. She wanted Jen to hold her in her arms and take charge of her. She started having submissive fantasies. Seeing her roommate's attractive body during "unwinding time", or sitting at her desk, or lying on her bed, or standing at her wardrobe...aroused feelings that she had not experienced since she had last seen her ninth-grade teacher Mrs. Sylvia Peters...and that was nearly four years ago. The conflict in her mind grew. She deeply cared for Mike, but was not attracted to him. Her feelings towards Jen were much more sexual, but she did not like Jen's standoffish personality. So...she loved one person, but her sexual fantasies focused on a different person. ---------- By the second week in March, Ruthie's counselor started to be curious about the relationship she was having with her new roommate. She noticed that Ruthie became nervous and blushed whenever she asked about Jen and how things were going with her. It was not hard to figure out that Ruthie was attracted to her. Hartman was curious whether there was any chance Ruthie was going to attempt to express her feelings and, if so, how Jen would react. The counselor knew that bringing up the topic of Jen would greatly complicate her sessions with Ruthie, because she was about to open up the issue of her client's sexual orientation. However, that might explain some of the problems she was having with Mike. She started with asking Ruthie about her feelings towards her roommate, to which the student responded that it was nice that Jen was compatible and that it was nice to be living with someone who was a lot quieter than Shannon and who respected her. When Hartman got her client to talk about "unwinding time", her suspicions about Ruthie's feelings towards Jen were confirmed. Finally she got Ruthie to admit that she enjoyed looking at Jen's body and was attracted to her. Hartman asked Ruthie if she had ever expressed her feelings to her roommate and what she hoped might happen in the future. Ruthie blushed but shook her head. For once she was realistic about a relationship. She knew that Jen was going to be leaving in May, that she was desperate to go back home, that she was not particularly friendly, and anyhow, she had a boyfriend. Hartman correctly figured that out of courtesy, Jen indulged Ruthie in conversation and tolerated her, but did not much care for her. Well, at least someone other than Mike was being courteous to Ruthie...better than what she had the semester before... ---------- The week before Spring Break started, a couple of Dr. Hartman's clients canceled their weekly appointments, leaving her several spare slots in her schedule. She decided to offer one to Ruthie, with the idea of spending the extra time getting her client to talk about her life in high school and her last year in middle school. The counselor already knew about Ruthie's move from Lincoln to Salinas and some of the unpleasant experiences that followed. However, Hartman wanted to learn more about that time in her life, because she was convinced her client's first year in Salinas was crucial to the way she developed throughout high school. She also was curious about Ruthie's romantic interests in middle and high school, because not once had the student mentioned anything about dating anyone other than Mike. Hartman started with Ruthie's last two years in high school, with the intention of working her way backwards through her client's life. Before she met Mike, Ruthie had not gone out with anyone for a year and a half, not since the Junior Prom. Not one single time did she go out with anyone during her senior year in high school. So what happened at the Junior Prom? She rebelled against her mother to go, sneaking out of the apartment and knowing there would be hell to pay when she got back. Starting with that ominous beginning the evening got progressively worse. She wore her best dress, but it was not a prom gown so she was viciously ridiculed. The guy she went with did not care in the least about her dress, because what he had in mind was being rewarded afterwards. He had a bottle of rum and several cans of Coke in a cooler in the back of his car, with the idea of getting Ruthie "loosened up" after the dance was over. After the dance they "went for a drive". She was totally scared of what was going on, but was just as afraid of going home, knowing that her infuriated mother was waiting for her. Ruthie's date drove her to one of the hills that overlooked the road between Salinas and Monterey. At that point she knew that it was too late to get out of what was about to happen: the choice was either "doing it the easy way" or "doing it the hard way". She was terrified, but also was vaguely curious to see what her mother's church was so stressed out about, so she did not put up much resistance. Not only had she never had sex before; she had never had any alcohol before. Yes, the booze did indeed loosen her and made her relax. It didn't take much for her to get totally drunk. Her memory of what exactly happened in the back seat of her date's car was very convoluted. She was intoxicated, sick, and disoriented. She remembered that it took him a very long time to work up an erection and all the while she was getting dizzier and dizzier. He pushed her onto the seat, pulled off her skirt and panties, and mounted her. He had trouble getting in. He thrust and grunted. Ruthie felt pain, but nothing else. So, that was it? That was what everyone was making such a big deal about? Then she blacked out. A few minutes later she was awake, stumbling around, and throwing up on the gravel road. She did not remember much of the trip back to Salinas. By the time she returned to her mother's apartment, Ruthie was sober enough to dread what awaited her as soon as she went back inside. She expected her mother to slap her face to pieces, but when she went back in, Doña Lisette was crying. She didn't ask for an explanation, because it was very clear what had happened. Ruthie's mother did not speak to her for several weeks afterwards. She never spoke to Ruthie about what happened that night, because she was overwhelmed with shame. She never forgave her daughter and from that point forward always looked at her with bitterness and hurt. Although they never spoke about Junior Prom night, both women felt the memory of that squalid incident weighing on them every time they were together. Hartman tried to figure out if what happened to Ruthie legally constituted rape. She didn't resist because she was drunk, and it was obvious she was drunk because her date had planned ahead to have sex. The counselor would have considered that rape because of the rum, but she knew a lot of juries would disagree. Ruthie was aware of what was likely to happen when she agreed to go with her date in his car following the dance and, drunk or not, she did not really resist. At least she did not get pregnant...had that happened then her life really would have been messed up, because there was not a chance her mother would have allowed her to have an abortion. As bad as the trip to that gravel road had been for Ruthie, it could have been a lot worse. Hartman pointed that out to her client, who responded by listlessly shrugging her shoulders. Ruthie's Junior Prom experience, which started out as an attempt to rebel against her mother and ended so badly a few hours later, proved to be a traumatic turning point that eliminated any chance she could have friends or positive experiences during her senior year. Instead she became more of a recluse, shut up in her room as much as possible during her final months in high school. She had another reason to isolate herself during her final year, because Gerardo already had graduated. For the first three years in school Ruthie could count on Gerardo's fist to keep any potential tormentors at bay, but during her senior year that protection was gone. The only person with whom she had any interaction in school at all was her cousin Rosa. Ruthie was aware that her situation put Rosa in a dilemma, because Rosa wanted to be as nice as possible to her cousin, but she had her own circle of friends and Ruthie definitely did not fit in. So, Ruthie tried to impose as little as possible and retreated to her books and her fantasies. By the middle of her senior year she became aware that she was the top-ranking candidate for a university scholarship from her class. That piece of good news encouraged her to live for the future and write-off high school altogether. She read, she studied, and she focused on how much better things were going to be as soon as she could get out of Salinas. ---------- Dr. Hartman became increasingly interested in her client's past as she unraveled the events that had formed her character. So far there were four that she was aware of: the death of Ruthie's grandmother, the move to Salinas, Junior Prom, and most recently, her interactions with Mike and Shannon. She was aware that there was still a gap in her knowledge of the girl's past: what, if anything, happened between the move to Salinas and Junior Prom. It was very likely the fiasco of Junior Prom was triggered by something else, because if Ruthie had developed any self-esteem prior to the end of her junior year, there is no way she would have allowed her date to take her out of Salinas and get her drunk so he could have sex with her. The next event Hartman learned about was the evening after Bible study Ruthie realized she no longer believed in God. Ruthie was much more eager to talk about that than she had been to talk about the Junior Prom. She gave Hartman the same details she gave Mike, going on and on about why she became so hostile towards the Christian message. OK...so there's another question answered, thought Hartman, why Ruthie wasn't getting any support (or input, which would be a better way to put it) from her church at the end of her junior year. Ruthie, in her own mind, had formally rejected anything her church would have had to say about her behavior and relationships, which was precisely why she rebelled and went to the prom against her mother's wishes. ---------- Hartman invited Ruthie to another extra session, with the hope of exploring a specific event in her life. The counselor was interested in her client's first crush...her first feelings of love for another person. Ruthie blushed and fidgeted. She talked about her first kiss when she was 12, which happened just a couple months after she arrived in Salinas. It was with one of Gerardo's friends. At the time Ruthie was hanging out with her cousins, because her mother had not yet been able to change her work schedule to stand watch over her during the afternoons. Ruthie spent her time at her cousins' house and there were plenty of other friends coming over as well. Ruthie kissed on a dare from Rosa, with a kid who was definitely interested in her. The kissing dares went on for a couple of days. Doña Lisette was horrified when she found out what was going on. She screamed at Rosa and Gerardo, berated her brother for running "den of fornication", and severely punished Ruthie, forcing her to sit at the dining room table for five entire evenings. Each night Ruthie had to sit four hours without moving. The first night she badly had to go to the bathroom after she had been sitting for an hour. Her mother denied her permission to get up, saying that it was "God's punishment" for being such a slut. For three hours Ruthie sat in agony, desperately waiting for the night's session at the table to end. Those were three of the longest hours of her life. The incident motivated Doña Lisette to push much harder to get her work schedule changed and get Ruthie away from her "degenerate" cousins. Three weeks later Ruthie's mother managed to alter her schedule, and the girl's afternoons hanging out with Rosa and Gerardo came to a quick end. So...Hartman was curious. What happened at school? Was Ruthie interested in that friend of Gerardo that she kissed? Ruthie blushed and fidgeted...before finally answering "not really". "But there was someone you liked? Someone else, maybe?" Ruthie nodded. "Maybe...you'd like to talk about him?" Ruthie blushed more and ran her fingers through her already disheveled hair: "I...it wasn't a 'him', Dr. Hartman..." Ruthie took a deep breath. "This is kinda embarrassing...to have to talk about..." "You don't have to talk about it, Ruthie. But if you're here trying to figure out why your life has gone the way it has, you do have to be aware of yourself and what things in your past might have affected you." Ruthie sat quietly, working up the nerve to share something with Hartman that she had never spoken about to anyone. She stared at the floor... "I...you know when I was like...in my freshman year of high school...I had a thing for my English teacher. I'd have all these fantasies about her. Her name was Mrs. Peters. I'd guess she must have been about 40 when I had her class. She was tall and thin, always well dressed, very severe, and had this big yardstick in her hand when she was teaching. The other kids hated her, but she had this way in class that no one ever messed with her. She was the only white teacher in the school the kids took seriously...'cause she had this way...I don't know how she did it...but this way of always being in charge, even around the gang-bangers. She knew how to make you feel really small...just by looking at you in her special way...and she had these sarcastic comments...and the kids were afraid of her...but I really liked her..." Ruthie paused...trying to think about how she could put her disjointed memories together to express them coherently. "She was totally different from any woman I knew. You gotta remember that I had been going to my mom's church for a year, and they were totally into the submissive and serving woman...you know that it was Eve's fault that people sin and bullshit like that...so women were 'sposed to be on a guilt trip over Eve's screw-up and always do what guys told them...and here was Mrs. Peters...she was totally the opposite of what they were teaching in my church...walking around with her big yardstick and cutting into anyone who messed with her. She was totally in charge...and it was the first time since I moved to Salinas that I ever saw someone like that. I mean...I was just as afraid of her as everyone else...but I really started liking her." "I was having all these fantasies anyway...you know...my thing with running around the apartment naked...and then I read a story on the Internet in the library about this middle school principal who got fired because he was paddling students (all boys, I think) in his office in their underwear. The whole idea of standing in a vice principal's office, just in my underwear...totally fascinated me...and then I started having all these fantasies about it. I wanted to be a bad girl and go to the principal's office and strip down to my underwear and be all scared while I was waiting to get paddled...and then I saw something else...on the Internet...It was at the public library...and I was waiting for a computer...and this guy got off but I guess he must have forgotten to log off...and there was this website he was looking at...from Europe...and it was showing these schoolgirls getting punished by teachers...and the girls were totally naked...and the teachers were hitting them with canes. I couldn't believe what I was seeing...and I started going through the pictures...some of the teachers were guys and some were women...but the girls were always naked...and I was thinking it'd be really neat to live wherever they punished girls like that. And here I was...really getting into the pictures and looking around...and then the guy's session timed out and the computer logged him off. I was totally upset about it...'cause I wasn't paying attention to the name of the website, or else I would've tried to find it and look around some more...but seeing those girls...all naked and getting their butts whipped...I can't tell you what it did to how I was thinking about things..." Ruthie fidgeted and started talking faster. "So the next day I go back to school, and there's Mrs. Peters, walking around with her big yardstick and threatening some gang-banger with detention and being all sarcastic with him and making him look like a total idiot. And I started thinking about her and her yardstick and that country where they'd take schoolgirls into the principal's office and make 'em take off all their clothes and beat them in the nude...and then I was wanting that to be me and Mrs. Peters. I wanted to be in her detention and I wanted her to punish me. I would have loved to have stayed after school...and she'd pull up my dress and pull down my panties...and use the yardstick on my bare butt. Later on I fantasized about her making me get completely undressed, pulling down the blinds, and having to do chores around the classroom in the nude before she spanked me with the yardstick. I'd fantasize about her paddling me too...like those kids that got that vice principal in trouble...but I'd be totally naked while she was doing it." Hartman reflected about her client's situation...how something as simple as reading an article and spending a few minutes looking at a pornographic website on a library computer that had been left up purely by coincidence...how that could have had such an effect on her client, her sexual fantasies, and how her teacher got mixed up in those fantasies. She commented: "I'm going to guess you were a good girl in her class. One of her best students. Never once got in trouble." Ruthie nodded. "She liked me...was a lot friendlier to me than she was to most of her students...she spent time going over my papers and assignments after class. She was paying attention to me, but I was really shy...but I always wanted to be around her...and I'd come into her room and help her clean up...I think she was wondering why I'd want to spend my free time helping her in her room, but she let me come in...and then for the second half of the year she appointed me student aide for the class...I helped her get field trips organized and stuff like that...and I was doing everything I could to make her happy...but at the same time I was having all these fantasies about her punishing me...you know...hitting my butt with her big yardstick...She'd lay out my assignments on her desk and show me what I was doing wrong and was telling me that she expected me to do better. She'd say 'Ruthie, I know you can do better and it's what I expect from you. Please don't disappoint me with your next paper.' And I now know that she was just trying to get me to write well so I could do better in my other classes...but I really wanted to please her...I mean...I would have done anything she wanted." Hartman wondered about Mrs. Peters...wondering if she really was so oblivious to what her student was feeling towards her. She doubted that, because Ruthie was unable to hide what she was feeling at any moment. It must have been obvious to the teacher that the girl did indeed have a crush on her. The thought crossed Hartman's mind that perhaps Mrs. Peters felt something for Ruthie as well...maybe not love...but perhaps appreciation that among all those hostile students there was one who stood out, who really cared for her. Hartman was sure that Mrs. Peters never took advantage of her student, because if she had, that would have come out in her client's narrative. Nevertheless, it was interesting that Ruthie's teacher let her come into the classroom after hours and appointed her the class student aide. She would have liked to talk to Mrs. Peters to get her perspective on the student, but knew that overcoming the confidentiality restrictions of the school district would take up too much of her time. Ruthie was not the counselor's only patient, after-all. The Outsider Ch. 23 "Let me throw out a thought for you. You wanted Mrs. Peters to love you, but at the same time you wanted her to punish you. Am I close?" Ruthie fidgeted and blushed furiously. She nodded. "I wanted to be hers, Dr. Hartman. I...uh...I don't know how to say it...but I actually wanted to belong to her...be like one of those serving girls from ancient Egypt...you know, the ones who ran around the palaces in the nude serving their mistresses. That's what I wanted to do with her. I would have done anything she wanted...and I wanted her to whip my butt if she ever got upset with me." Ruthie then made a confession that horrified her the moment it came out of her mouth. "At night, when my mom had gone to bed...I'd think about Mrs. Peters...I'd be in my bed...rub myself...you know...my clit...and I'd come...have these really great orgasms...thinking about her..." "So, what you really wanted was to have a submissive relationship with her...for her to be your mistress...or maybe like a slave owner. I think they use the term 'pet' in some B&D circles, if I'm not mistaken." Ruthie, still blushing furiously from her confession about masturbating while thinking about her teacher, nodded. Fascinated with what her client was telling her, Hartman couldn't resist asking if Ruthie's fantasies included wearing a collar for Mrs. Peters. "Yes, but that was later on...when I was thinking about a collar. This'll sound funny, but my fantasies started with her just punishing me after class. It was later on that I was thinking about her taking me to her house." "...and that would've meant leaving your mom's place, running away, so you could go live with Mrs. Peters?" Ruthie nodded. Hartman noticed that time was running out in the appointment. She silently cursed the unyielding clock, because she was convinced that she finally had hit on the one event in Ruthie's life, the enormous frustration of wanting a totally impossible love; that may have made overridden everything else that she had to endure in her unhappy existence. There was no question she would have struggled not only with frustration, but also with guilt because what she wanted was so much the opposite of what her church expected of her? And yet, was what Ruthie wanted really the opposite of her church's teachings? Maybe it wasn't. Maybe what Ruthie was doing was sexualizing her church's message. In a way she was rebelling because she wanted to be dominated by a woman instead of a man, but the lifestyle was not that different in its entirety, just in the details. Ruthie wanted to submerge herself, give herself totally, not to Jesus but to Mrs. Peters. With her very limited time, there was only one way that Dr. Hartman could get the story of Ruthie's obsession with Mrs. Peters in the detail she wanted. She already knew Ruthie wrote much better than she could speak. Why not ask her to write a story about herself and Mrs. Peters? That way, instead of having to waste time sitting through her client's blushing and fidgeting, Hartman would have the entire story at the beginning of the next session, and would have the rest of the hour to assess its importance. "Ruthie, I am going to give you an assignment for our next time together. I want you to close your eyes." Ruthie closed her eyes and tilted her head back. "Let's go back in time and change what happened to you in the ninth grade. We are living in an alternate world, one in which what you want is what you get. In that world, you are in Mrs. Peters' class. You are looking at her...and you know that whatever you want to happen with her will happen. Imagine. What I want from you is the story, on paper, of what's going to happen in our alternate world. Remember this is your world, your reality, so anything is possible. That'll be your assignment. Are you OK with that?" "Yes, Dr. Hartman." ---------- That night Ruthie took her place at her computer in Mike's room (she still hadn't gotten around to moving it) and for a few minutes stared blankly at the screen, not sure what she should do. Then her counselor's words came back to her: "...you are in Mrs. Peters' class. You are looking at her...and you know that whatever you want to happen with her will happen. Imagine." OK...so that was where her story would begin, sitting in class. Ruthie started typing: I sat up front of her class...watching as Mrs. Peters walked around with her yardstick. She was so much in control...she knew what she was doing and sure of herself...always. It didn't matter to me that she was 40 and the lines already started to form in her face. To me she was beautiful. I was afraid of her, but that was the way it had to be. I couldn't have loved her if I didn't fear her. She noticed me...and she started making me stay after class so she could go over my papers...she pointed out the smallest mistakes and said: "I expect better out of you, Ruthie. I expect you never to disappoint me. Maybe your hoodlum classmates can afford to repeat their mistakes over and over, but that is something you can't do. I won't allow it. And there will be consequences if you ever disobey me. Do you understand me?" She held her yardstick and looked at me. I trembled, because I knew that she'd have to punish me if I ever failed her. I'm not perfect. I was not able to remember every mistake I made that she had already corrected. She did remember. The first couple of times she made me stay after class and clean up. But then her patience started running out. She told me if I was careless again the consequences would be more severe. Unfortunately I was just a high school student...and not as responsible as she wanted. I did let her down again...I did repeat yet another foolish mistake. She took a deep breath and I cast down my eyes. "You understand what this means, Ruthie." "Yes, Mrs. Peters, I understand." "Very well, young lady. Close the blinds and take off your clothes. You are going to learn never to disappoint me again. You're too important for me to simply allow you to fail." "Yes, Mrs. Peters." So I did what she told me to do. My heart was pounding as I closed the blinds. I was terrified and embarrassed, because I was actually going to have to be naked in front of Mrs. Peters. Yes, I was scared, but I was also excited, because deep down it was what I wanted, and I knew she wanted it to. My hands were shaking when I stripped. She watched me as she tapped her yardstick in her hand. She ordered me to put my clothes in a cabinet and to hand her the key. She put the key in her purse. I knew that she would not give me my clothes back until she was pleased with me...and that was something I'd have to work hard to accomplish. She came up to me and grabbed my arms. She looked hard into my eyes. I wanted to cry from the shame of having her angry with me, but with every bit of my strength, I forced myself to look at her. She squeezed my arms in a vice-like grip. I knew I'd not be able to escape if I tried. Already I was hers. "What am I going to do with you, Ruthie? I gave you a simple request: to not repeat mistakes on your assignments once I've pointed them out to you. How could you have let me down like that?" I shook with fear. "You're better than the others. Way better. But every day, every minute, every word you write, you have to prove it. Prove that you are better. I will not tolerate mediocrity from you. Do you understand me?" "Yes Mrs. Peters." "And so what do you think I ought to do with you, since you refused to meet my expectations?" "I 'spose you ought to punish me, Mrs. Peters." "Exactly. I need to punish you. It's not something I want to do, because I love you, but I cannot tolerate you being mediocre." My heart jumped. For the first time Mrs. Peters said she loved me! "I want you to think about what is going to happen. The best way to contemplate what is about to happen is for you to go up to that chalkboard and write 'I am a bad girl and I deserve to be punished.' You write that over and over, until the board is full. When you are finished, I will punish you." "Yes Mrs. Peters." And so I wrote, over and over, "I am a bad girl and I deserve to be punished." Mrs. Peters watched me, all the time tapping her hand with her yardstick. She commented: "This yardstick is too flimsy for your training. I'll need to get a paddle, or maybe a cane." I glanced over, terrified but excited. I knew she was looking at me, admiring me. I wanted her to look at me. I so much hoped that she thought I was pretty. When I was finished writing my lines, Mrs. Peters again grabbed my arms. "I do love you. No matter how much I have to hurt you, I want you to remember that." She led me to the teacher's desk and made me bend over. She tapped the insides of my legs with the ruler to make me spread my feet. For a long time she ran her hand over my bottom, massaging the tender skin and touching my anus and my vulva. I was so totally scared...but I started getting wet. Mrs. Peters ran her fingertip along my pussy and touched my clit. Then she held her wet fingertips in front of my face so I could see. "Don't ever try to keep a secret like this from me again. Do you understand me?" "Yes, Mrs. Peters." She stood behind me, tapped my vulnerable bottom with that big ruler, and struck me hard, right across both ass-cheeks. Oh...it hurt so bad...but I was so happy, the punishment finally had started. She hit me over and over. It hurt so bad...but I knew it was what I needed. I was brave; I never once got up or moved my feet. I lay across the desk the whole time as she hit my poor bottom. Every so often she'd stop and run her hand over my sore skin, tracing the welts with her fingertips. When she finally stopped, she let me stand up. She hugged me as I cried into her chest. She took my chin with her fingertips and forced me to look at her. "You did good for a first time, Ruthie. I'm very proud of you." "You're proud of me, Mrs. Peters?" "Of course I am. You're not a diligent girl, but you are brave and obedient. I wish I had a girl like you." We hugged each other for a long time. Finally I asked if she wanted me to get dressed. "No love, not yet. I want you to finish cleaning the room, and I'm going to want a few pictures of you. Then you can get dressed. It's too bad about the school dress code, because a girl like you shouldn't be wearing clothes." "Yes, Mrs. Peters." Ruthie ended that section and started a new one. Throughout the fall semester Mrs. Peters continued pushing me. She didn't punish me very often, because I really did try to please her. But she kept me naked in her classroom every afternoon when classes were over. I had to clean up the room to her specifications, and she would not let me get dressed until I was done. There were a few times she'd grab my arm, lead me down the hallway to the teachers' lounge, and she'd make me clean there. I was always naked, of course. I was scared someone would see me, but I also was scared because whenever she took me into the hallway I knew I had displeased her and that I needed to be spanked. She made me practice the class material, made me memorize lots of big words, and made me read really hard stuff. Often she'd make me bend over her desk and she'd rub my bottom while she was talking to me. I loved it when she touched me. I wanted more. On Christmas Eve I decided to run away from home. I told my mom I couldn't stand living with her anymore and that I was gonna go back with my dad, but that was a lie. I was going to go over to Mrs. Peters' place. I so much wanted to be with her. I went over with nothing, because I wasn't ever going to have my own stuff again. On the way to her place I stopped at a Fast-Mart and picked up a card. In my very best handwriting I wrote: Dear Mrs. Peters: Because you mean more to me than everything and everyone else in the world, I am giving myself to you as your Christmas present. I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life serving you. My existence has only one purpose; to submit to your wishes and make you happy. My life, my soul, and my body no longer belong to me: everything that I am is now yours. Your loving pet, Ruthie I also bought a big Christmas bow, the biggest I could find. Then I went to Mrs. Peters' house. I took off my clothes on her front porch and threw them in her trash can. I'd never need them again, because she had said that a girl like me shouldn't be wearing clothes. I was shaking with cold and anticipation while I tied the bow around my neck. Then I went in. The door was unlocked. I snuck into her living room and got on my knees next to her Christmas tree. I held the card in my hand and waited. It was exciting and scary to think that I had just done the very last thing in my life I'd ever do without being ordered. I waited on my knees for about 15 minutes. I heard my Mistress get up and listened to the sounds of her getting dressed. She came into the living room and was surprised to see me kneeling naked next to her Christmas tree with a big bow around my neck. Without saying anything, I held up the card. She took it from me and read it. "Stand up, Ruthie." I stood. She took the bow off my neck. She ran her hands over my body. She kissed me. "You do understand that I'll have to train you?" "Yes, Mrs. Peters." "And this is the life that you really want?" "Yes, Mrs. Peters." I blushed. My new Mistress ran her fingers over my vulva and kissed me again. "You are the best present I could ever receive, Ruthie. Thank you." Ruthie ended the second section and started the third one. I knew that Mrs. Peters would be very strict with me, that she would expect me to pay attention to detail and try my best at every task she gave me. We both knew that, when I gave myself to her, she would demand that I would understand the full meaning of the commitment that I had made. My life under her would be one of service, not of relaxation. My existence would never be easy. She would see to that. If my life was going to be easy, then there was no point in having her as my Mistress. We both knew that there would be times she'd have to punish me. That was what I expected, and what I wanted. She promised me never to punish me without first making sure I understood why I had to be punished, but she also made sure that I understood that if she was going to punish me, my place in life was to accept her discipline. I could expect to feel the switch, or the belt, or the paddle on my unprotected bottom. She would punish me out of love...but whenever she'd punish me...she'd have to hurt me. I understood that. It is the role of a pet to accept discipline and never question her Mistress. The days right after Christmas were exciting for me, because that was the week my Mistress started teaching me how to be a proper pet. I learned what it was to truly serve my beloved owner. She indulged me during those first few days...even allowing me to make mistakes. She was fair to me...letting me know that I was allowed to make any particular mistake...once. If I made the same mistake again, she would punish me. "You are just learning...my lovely pet, but you are smart girl and I know you will make an excellent servant. But you also will know, not to test my patience. It is up to you to make yourself worthy of serving me." One thing that she did that surprised me: she did not collar me right away. She explained why; that the collar was an honor I had to earn. She'd collar me, once she knew for sure that I was worthy of having her as my owner. As she put it: "The collar is a lifetime commitment, for both of us. You need to really want it, because once you assume the collar, you will not be taking it off. Once I give you the collar, I will be committed to properly caring for you for the rest of my life." Ruthie ended the third section of her narrative and started on the fourth: On New Year's Eve, Mrs. Peters took me out for the first time. She was going to spend the evening with a small group of her friends, and wanted me to accompany her to serve her throughout the party. She told me that, although I had a long way to go, I was well-enough trained that I knew the basics of service and I should do fine. I knew that so far I had pleased my Mistress, because otherwise she would not have felt confident displaying me to her friends. I was naked, of course. I would always be naked, no matter where I went or whom my Mistress chose to hang out with. As a pet, I was not permitted to have any material possessions, and of course that included clothing of any type. I knew that being denied the privilege of covering myself was going to be a condition of my commitment to a lifetime of servitude. I knew that from the very beginning: it was what I wanted and what I expected. My Mistress expected me to perform well and make her proud of me. It was the chance for me to put into practice what she had taught me so far. I was scared, not because I faced an evening being naked in a room full of strangers, but because I knew that I was facing my first real-life test as the pet of Mrs. Peters. If I displeased her, I would be punished, or worse yet, I might even put my collar at risk. I just had to do what I needed to please my Mistress. I just had to. I did well that evening. I brought my Mistress wine and food on cue. When I was not serving, I knelt beside her chair. She gently caressed my shoulder, and her cue that she needed something was to lift her hand. She did not have to tell me what she wanted, because I already knew her well enough to understand her tastes in drinks and food. I knew the order in which she wanted to be served things, having been given that instruction over the past week. When I was kneeling I was quiet, but my Mistress allowed me to look up at the other guests. I could see they all admired me. My Mistress received plenty of compliments for having such as pretty pet and one who was so well trained. She smiled and commented: "Would you believe that I've only had her for a week? Such a lovely sweet girl, isn't she? And she's a smart girl, so easy to train. So far she's really worked out." I knew that I could not let such compliments go to my head. I still had a long way to go, before I would finally earn the precious collar that Mrs. Peters was keeping for me. Ruthie concluded and wrote her fifth and final entry: Mrs. Peters trained me for three months. She said I was a smart girl and easy to train, as far as obeying orders was concerned, but a real pet must go way beyond simple obedience. To be a true pet, I'd have to know my Mistress as well as she knows herself, to be able to glance at her and know immediately what she wanted. A pet no longer has her own identity. Her Mistress becomes her identity; her Mistress's wishes are her wishes; she knows what to do without being told. She had to punish me several times. Her favorite implement was a leather switch, but sometimes she liked to use a paddle. I always was responsible for bringing her the implement with which I was to be castigated. I knelt and held it out to her. Then she positioned me, making me place my bottom on prominent display...I was always scared, but through the pain and tears of my punishments I was always grateful she was taking the time to properly train me. On my birthday, my Mistress cuffed my hands behind my back and ordered me to get into her car. She drove to a very elegant reception hall. An employee was waiting to let us in through a side door. He looked over my uncovered body, but my Mistress told him to leave. Her expression scared him off, clearly saying: "Back off. This girl is mine, and no one else's." She led me into an elegant room. We stopped in the middle of the room and I instinctively knelt. The Outsider Ch. 23 "Today is your birthday, Ruthie. It is a special day, as special for me as it is for you." My Mistress laid a box in front of me and un-cuffed my wrists. With a simple flicker of her eyes, she ordered me to open it. I obeyed...and oh, I was so happy! It was a collar! My collar! The collar was beautiful...its surface covered with fine Chinese ceramic. It was not a decoration, however. It was very sturdy and made of solid steel, with a large ring in the front. It had a self-locking latch that could not be opened once it was shut. It was a permanent collar. Engraved into the ceramic was the message: This girl is the property of Sylvia Peters. My Mistress caressed my cheek with her fingertips. I kissed her hand. Oh...I was so excited...I finally was going to be wearing my Mistress's collar...and not just any collar, but one that was beautifully decorated and finely engraved...that showed how much she really thought of me. I held up the collar...and she took it. She lowered it over my neck. I felt the cold steel touch my skin. Slowly she closed the collar, and then I heard a metal click. It was done. I now was collared. My Mistress motioned that I needed to stand up. She led me to a large mirror. I looked at myself. I no longer was Ruthie Burns. I now was the property of Mrs. Peters. Yes, I was hers. She trusted me enough to grant me the privilege of wearing her collar. For the rest of our lives, I would serve her and she would take care of me. She kissed me and traced my breasts with her fingertips. "Happy birthday, my lovely girl." ---------- When she finished writing, Ruthie spent the rest of the afternoon masturbating. Her conversations with Dr. Hartman had brought to the surface very intense fantasies that she had suppressed for years, but had never been able to forget. The Outsider Ch. 24 Chapter 24 -- Spring Break At the end of the week before Spring Break was about to start, Ruthie received an envelope from her father in Nebraska. She dreaded to think of what it contained. Sure enough, it was an airplane ticket. She sighed from frustration, because the last place she wanted to spend her week of free time during Spring Break was Lincoln. Well, second to last. Culiacan was at the absolute bottom of the list of places she'd want to go. Ruthie had been hoping to travel a bit with Mike, perhaps going as far as Oregon. She at least had wanted Mike to take her to San Francisco so she could see if there was anything she wanted in the shops of the Castro District. The couple could have gone across the Golden Gate Bridge and she would have added to the collection of pictures she had of herself posing in the nude along the coast of Marin County. At the very least she would have wanted a couple days at San Gregorio beach and perhaps a day of hiking along one of the more isolated trails in the mountains to the east. All of those possibilities were canceled, because of that damn airplane ticket she was holding in her hand. Oh well, as they always said, money talks and bullshit walks. It turned out the ticket to Nebraska got her out of having to go to Culiacan. The day after she got her ticket, Ruthie got a call from her mother admitting that she had been right about her suspicions about her cousin Alex. He had indeed joined the main gang operating in the neighborhood where his family was living. For several weeks he was a hellish arrogant little shit to deal with, but suddenly he calmed down and was very afraid to go out of his father's house. It was obvious he had pissed off someone, because for several nights in a row a dark SUV passed by the house and its occupants fired shots into the windows. By mid-March Doña Lisette had partially reconciled with her brother and was on speaking terms with him. Upon hearing about the problems at his place, she came up with the only solution that made any sense: take Alex to Culiacan. There he could stay at his grandparents' house and have a chance to cool off. Of course, knowing his character, it was just as likely that Alex would get in trouble in Mexico, but at least Ruthie's uncle no longer would have to worry about his house being shot up. So, on the weekend Spring Break started, Ruthie's uncle, mother, and cousin left Salinas by car and headed south. Doña Lisette would have forced her daughter to go along as well, but Ruthie already had the airplane ticket to Lincoln. Ruthie's mother was angry that she couldn't help out with Alex, but she understood that the only way her daughter could continue with her studies was to make Jake happy enough to pay another semester of tuition. So, Ruthie Burns was destined to travel to Nebraska and not Sinaloa. The lesser of two evils, but not by much, thought Ruthie to herself. ---------- On that same day her relatives left for Mexico, Mike took Ruthie to the San Jose airport to catch her flight to Lincoln. She could not have known it, but her boyfriend was relieved that she would not be around to distract him from his job and his temporary assignment collecting money from meters. Collections would continue unabated during the week of vacation, because there were several conferences on campus and orientation for high school seniors planning to enter the university in the summer or the fall. The dorms and classrooms would be empty, but the visitor parking lots and their meters would be as full as ever. Every day Mike helped himself to a bucket of quarters from the jammed meters. He had his late-afternoon routine established: first the stop at the hidden handicap spot where he moved the quarters into his backpack, and then the stop behind his car where he transferred the backpack full of coins into the trunk and put an empty replacement backpack in the truck. Mike had bought a second backpack identical to his first one, because he realized if he had a backpack at the beginning of each shift and did not have it at the end, it could look suspicious. By the end of the third week Sam was on vacation Mike had taken in enough money to pay down his credit cards and pay several pending expenses such as a dentist appointment and servicing his car. He knew better than to deposit his illicit income in his bank, because deposits of coins could easily be traced if he were caught. The initial bucket of money was something he couldn't help, because he urgently had to pay off his overdraft charge. However, afterwards he was careful to avoid doing anything that might create a paper trail or draw attention at his bank. He never tried depositing a backpack full of quarters a second time. He simply wrapped the coins and used them to make cash purchases, leaving his legitimate paycheck in his bank account to pay bills. Mike was both nervous and content as he ran around being able to make any small purchase he wanted and watching his credit card balances as they started to shrink. Yes, this was the life, the way things ought to be. Why should he have to worry about monetary problems while those frat fags and football thugs and sorority bitches with the fake tits got to do whatever they wanted? Because having Mike suffer in poverty was God's plan? Well if it was, then to Hell with God and the "Divine Plan". I'll make my own "Divine Plan". Let someone else be poor and virtuous. I want to be like those rich assholes I'm always ticketing. Mike's inner being continued its transformation as the weeks passed. His thoughts were on grabbing as much money as he could and doing what he felt was needed to avoid being caught. He had not thought about any of the political or social justice issues that previously had obsessed him since he grabbed that first bucket of coins. Now that he had money, he wanted to relax and enjoy his life. He continued with his studies of course, and would do what was necessary pass his classes for the semester. However, inwardly he realized that he would never be a pharmacist, so the only point in continuing that portion of his studies was to meet his science requirements. As for political science, for the first time, he viewed what he was studying with detachment. Not exactly apathy, but he no longer felt so connected to the world of political decision-making. He wondered about Sam, who must have been doing what he was doing for decades. It was obvious Sam was very comfortable; having figured out how to take just enough for his needs, but not too much to raise suspicions in the department. That's what I need to do, thought Mike to himself. Get a gig like what Sam has, strike a balance, and just relax. Money for nothing...that's the way you do it... ---------- Ruthie's trip to see her father started badly. Her airplane was buffeted by wind for the entire journey between her stopover in Salt Lake City and Lincoln. As it crossed the Rocky Mountains, the plane shuddered upwards, then dropped...shuddered upwards, and dropped...shuddered upwards, and dropped... Ruthie was terrified as the rough air jerked the plane around. It was weird, because if someone had told her before getting on a flight that the plane was going to crash, she really wouldn't have cared. However, now that she was actually in the air, her instincts of fear and self-preservation took over as a result of the constant shaking and falling. By the time her plane finally touched the runway in Lincoln, her nerves were completely rattled. It was not the best time for Ruthie to go for a ride on her father's motorcycle, but that's what he had driven to the airport. Ruthie clutched her father in raw terror when he got onto the highway and blasted 75 miles per hour in between all the trucks and SUV's. It just went to show how oblivious Jake Burns was to other people's feelings, to show up at the airport riding his fucking motorcycle and run her down the freeway at 75 miles per hour after that traumatic flight she had to endure. Ruthie was so scared that she pissed in her jeans...and yes...Jake Jr. and Jake's girlfriend were at the house waiting for her...and she showed up with her pants all wet. So...that was the beginning of Ruthie's second trip to her old home in Nebraska. She spent the first night watching Jake Jr. while her father and his girlfriend went out drinking. She didn't mind her half-brother that much, but after he went to sleep she sat in the living room thinking "what the fuck am I doing here?" She went outside. She badly wanted to walk off her anxiety, but her sense of commitment held her back. She couldn't leave Jake Jr. alone very long. What if the kid woke up and got scared, or her father came back to find her not in the house? Better not to go wandering off... The next day Ruthie learned why her father had wanted her to visit Lincoln. He took her to a couple of community colleges and told her that she needed to inquire about transferring her credits. He explained that he agreed with her being in college, but there was no sense in studying in California because "the lefties have that state so messed up. No point in me paying for their screw-ups." Ruthie was dismayed that her father was telling her that she needed to transfer to one of the community colleges in Nebraska with no input from her whatsoever. She was infuriated, but said nothing because she did not want to have a fight with him and then have to spend the rest of the stay at his house in bitter silence. She vacillated between wanting to tell him off at the airport when she went back home and thinking that maybe she should at least look into the possibility of studying in Nebraska. From a financial point of view it did make sense... However, from the perspective of Ruthie's personality and overall outlook on life, moving to Nebraska made no sense at all. Among other things, there were no nude beaches nearby and there was no chance whatsoever she could wear her favorite dress or run around with no underwear without being arrested. She looked at the conservative swimsuits of women swimming in the pool of one of the community colleges and rolled her eyes. Then there was politics. Her father's talk radio programs and his constant belittling of California and the "Left Coast" very much got on Ruthie's nerves. During that second trip, Ruthie realized how much from the "Left Coast" she really was. Maybe she didn't fit into Davenport, but there was no way she ever could hope to fit into Nebraska. As far a she was concerned, everything about the state was wrong: from the weather to the morality to the politics to the people...all wrong. She wouldn't be able handle it. So she was screwed. Her father was not going to pay for another semester in Davenport and she would not be able to tolerate a move to Nebraska. After several days of total frustration with her father, she disappeared from the house and spent an hour walking to the cemetery where her grandmother was buried. She sat on the ground staring at her grave. Ruthie reflected: it's not Davenport I'd miss, because I hate Davenport. It's Mike. The only reason my life doesn't totally suck is because of Mike. She realized that, as much as she didn't want to admit it, the worst part about moving to Nebraska would be that it would force her to end her relationship with her boyfriend. That would totally suck, because Mike was the only friend that she had. Her life had been so lonely over the past six years, and now because of that one special person it was tolerable. To come to Nebraska would mean giving up the support she had received from him. How could she do that? And yet...realizing how much she needed Mike did not make her feel any better. It sucks to know that one's life and happiness is completely dependent on another person. This sucks...my life sucks...it all sucks. Suddenly depression hit her. She knew it was going to be a bad episode as she felt the cold numbness flow into her body. She felt weighted down and helpless. She had no desire whatsoever to continue with her life. She wished that fucking plane had hit a wind-shear and crashed in the Rockies. She spent an hour staring listlessly at her grandmother's grave, before working up the energy she needed to walk back home. ---------- Ruthie returned to California more stressed than ever. She had not given her father a firm answer on studying in Nebraska because in the back of her mind she was hoping that some miracle would put off that decision and that she could stay in California over the next year. And yet, she did not want to risk cutting off the only financial support she could count on. The only thing she could think to do was to delay as much as possible, which was not much of an option because the end of the spring semester was less than two months away. Mike was waiting for her at the airport. He was worried, because he had received a call from Ruthie's mother. He related to her that Doña Lisette was crying over the phone and he could barely understand what she was trying to say, apart from asking Ruthie to call her immediately upon getting off the plane. There was more bad news coming Ruthie's way the moment she dialed her mother. While Doña Lisette was in Mexico, her apartment had been burglarized. Ruthie would later find out from the police report that the residence was raided several times, because the criminals realized that no one was home and they could help themselves to Doña Lisette's belongings at their leisure. They took all of her appliances, most of her furniture, and even some of her clothes. It was a devastating loss to someone who already was broke. Without saying anything more, Mike drove south towards Salinas so that he and Ruthie could see what they could do to help her mother. There wasn't much to be done. The apartment had been totally cleaned out. Ruthie's mother was sitting on an old sofa, the only piece of furniture in the living room the criminals had not bothered to take. Her aunt was sitting next to her, trying to comfort her. Finally Ruthie's aunt took her mother out of the apartment and over to her brother's place. It was up to Ruthie and her boyfriend to clean up. A few pictures and books were scattered about, but not many. Most of Doña Lisette's personal items had been taken. The kitchen was cleaned out, totally. They only found a couple of broken coffee cups and a few dirty spoons and a fork. The criminals even took the two beds. There was some clothing dumped on the floor, enough to fill a large suitcase. However, they would have to buy one, because the suitcases had been stolen as well. Mike volunteered to get a couple of replacement suitcases and some cleaning supplies. He handed over several rolls of his quarters at the store and came back. They had Doña Lisette's remaining possessions packed within a few minutes. The only thing left was the forlorn task of clearing out the debris. When Mike and Ruthie finished cleaning the apartment, they wondered what to do about the left-over sofa. It had been left behind by the burglars because it was in such shoddy condition it was not worth taking. Ruthie decided to leave it by the dumpster. As they struggled moving the piece of furniture they saw several tough-looking teenagers smirking at them. They realized it was very likely those were the guys who broke into the apartment. However, there was nothing they could do, because the police were not seriously pursuing burglaries due to budget cuts and they certainly were not going to question the teenagers on just a hunch from the victim's daughter and her boyfriend. Ruthie noticed the colors and tattoos of the teenagers were different from those of Alex's gang. She wondered if Alex's gang problems may have had anything to do with the burglary, if her mother had specifically been targeted because she was his relative. As they left the apartment complex, Ruthie had an observation: "You know...my mom's been in this country for 20 years. 20 years, Mike. And now...everything she was ever able to buy...over all that time...got ripped off. Every fucking thing she bought. And it's all 'cause of that asshole Alex and his fucking gang-banger shit!" Mike didn't respond, but he reflected that had Doña Lisette not been forced to move in the first place, she would not have been robbed. It was inevitable in that squalid complex that sooner or later Ruthie's mother would have been burglarized while she was at work. Mike blamed Doña Lisette's employer more than he blamed Alex. When they showed up at the house of Ruthie's uncle there was more unpleasantness. Ruthie's aunt came out and took the suitcases with Doña Lisette's remaining clothing. She told Ruthie that she was not welcome in the house and went back inside. Ruthie understood that her mother and her uncle had made up, but the reconciliation did not extend to her. After all, it was Ruthie who knew about Rosa's plans to run away and failed to say anything. On their way back to Davenport, Ruthie realized there was a huge irony in her mother's situation. Doña Lisette was staying at her brother's place, with two suitcases of old clothing and nowhere else to live. Her situation was exactly the same as it had been 15 years earlier when she fled Nebraska and re-settled in California. All of her efforts over those 15 years to work and build up a decent life for herself and her daughter had resulted in nothing. ---------- The following day was Sunday. Ruthie's mother called her and asked her to meet her at church. Ruthie knew that during her worst moment of crisis she should have played along with her mother's religious beliefs, but she no longer could bring herself to do so. In a calm voice that was rare for her, she responded: "Mom, I can't go to church anymore. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I can't. After everything that has happened to us, there's no way I'll ever love God. I'm not gonna worship something I hate." Ruthie's mother countered that, especially at that moment when God was testing her, Ruthie must not give up her faith. She cited the book of Job and Christ's tribulations on the cross, saying what they went through was much worse than the loss of a job and some possessions. Ruthie thought about telling her mother the truth; that she had not believed in God since she was 15, but fortunately her thinking was fast enough to prevent her from making that mistake. In the typical Christian tradition of blaming everyone and everything except God and one's own faith, Doña Lisette would have latched onto Ruthie's atheism as the reason why God was punishing the family. It would be much better for Ruthie to let her mother believe that it was the recent problems that made her lose her faith. Maybe that would get Doña Lisette to thinking and bring her to her senses. Of course, Ruthie should have known that could never happen because her mother was not a reflective person and did not have the education or experiences to change one set of beliefs for another. Her faith was all she had, and the most recent problems would only make her cling to her religion more fervently than ever. Ruthie repeated: "I'm not going to church anymore. No church. Not your church, not Mike's church, not Cristina's church. I'm done with God. And as for Jesus, he didn't save anyone. He couldn't even save himself. I'm sorry, Mom, but that's the way it's gonna be." "You can't turn your back on God!" "God turned his back on us a long time ago. If God exists and has anything to say to me, he knows where to find me." The conversation continued along those lines for several minutes, but finally Doña Lisette hung up, convinced that she had "lost" her daughter. Tears were running down Ruthie's cheeks, but her patience with her mother's faith finally had run out. She couldn't keep up the act any more. When Ruthie told the story to Mike, he had nothing to say or add. Inwardly he felt that Ruthie had made a mistake by choosing that moment to tell her mother that she no longer believed in God, but it was done and could not be reversed. Mike knew that Ruthie's mother would view the "loss" of her daughter as just one more of the Lord's tests and that Ruthie's actions would not lessen her faith in the least. The only thing Ruthie had accomplished was irreparable damage to her relationship with Doña Lisette. He wondered, with the feud between his Ruthie and her uncle over Rosa and the break with her mother over religion, if his girlfriend had permanently cut herself off from her family. He saw nothing good coming out of what had just happened, nor did he have his normal reaction of hoping that Ruthie would be more completely dependent on him. He saw the conversation for what it was; an unfortunate event that would further isolate and demoralize his girlfriend. The Outsider Ch. 24 The day promised to be pleasant, so they drove northward to San Gregorio beach. Ruthie was agitated, but soon the feeling of being naked in that attractive place and having the opportunity to walk around calmed her down. She and Mike even went into the ocean for a few minutes, in spite of the large waves and cold water temperature. They shivered when they got out, but then warmed up as the sun hit their bare bodies. It felt so good to be naked in the open air. Ruthie would not have this same pleasure in Nebraska. No, she couldn't give up the opportunity to go to the beach. Maybe the trips were no as frequent as she would like, but they were one of the small things in life that helped keep her somewhat sane. ---------- The following day classes started up again. The weather was very nice, so after lunch Ruthie decided to wear the green dress Mike had given her over Christmas. After she put it on, she looked at herself in the mirror, admiring her almost naked body. It was exciting to think she'd be outdoors, in the view of thousands of people, in just a minute. As she went out, many of the guys in the hallway couldn't take their eyes off her. The warmth of the sun hit her bare back and hips as the breeze flowed freely under the thin cloth. She could feel the open air against her bare bottom and pussy. It felt so good to be outdoors with so little on. The only uncomfortable moment was in a seminar class that was taught by a TA who clearly did not approve of what Ruthie was wearing. She kept getting unpleasant looks from the woman and had to slip out quickly at the end of the hour before the TA had a chance to talk to her about her lack of clothing. OK...good thing to know...If Ruthie was going to attend class in either of her two skimpy dresses, it would be best to only go to the larger lecture classes and not to any seminars. Later that afternoon there was a pleasant surprise for Ruthie, because the art class for which she was modeling would take advantage of the warming weather and move outside. The professor ordered his students to take their sketchpads to the grassy area behind the art building. Ruthie carried her dorm blanket and laid it on the grass. She kicked off her shoes and pulled her dress over her head. She totally enjoyed the thought of being naked in a public area of the university, in full sight of the sidewalk and both the art building and the back side of the library. People walked by and looked at her as they passed. This was totally great; a chance to play exhibitionist and be paid for it. As always, during the break Ruthie did not bother to put her dress back on. She simply wandered among the students, curious to see if the drawings done of her outdoors were any different from the ones done of her indoors. The professor marveled at his model's brazen behavior, but by the middle of the semester he had gotten used to it. That was fine, because one topic he wanted to explore was photography and using photos to create drawings. He knew that Ruthie would have no problem being photographed by his students, but was curious to see how far he could push her. He instructed his class to bring cameras for the next session, preferably ones with traditional film, but digital cameras would be fine as well. He stated that if anyone had a camera capable of using black & white film that would really be great. The next day, 40 students in two classes spent two hours photographing Ruthie in the area around the back of the art building. Ruthie assumed various artistic poses before following her professor's instructions to walk and run around the lawn. A lot of passersby had stopped to watch and some of them had taken out their cell phones to snap pictures. Ruthie loved those two hours, the feeling of showing herself to so many people and knowing that the photos taken of her would be circulating. The professor would have been nervous forcing any other model to be so publicly exposed, but it was obvious for this type of assignment Ruthie was perfect. He definitely would have to offer her more work over the summer and during the next school year. ---------- Dr. Hartman e-mailed Ruthie on the morning of her first appointment after Spring Break to remind her about the essay she had requested concerning her fantasies about Mrs. Peters. The counselor really did not know what to expect from her client: she would not have been surprised had Ruthie totally forgotten about the assignment. Well, Ruthie's lengthy e-mail proved that she definitely had not forgotten. During her lunch break Hartman stared transfixed at her computer screen as she read her client's narrative. She learned a lot about the student during that reading, among other things that Ruthie could express herself in her writing far better than she could express herself talking. Hartman was able to clearly visualize Ruthie's imaginary life as she read through the series. Yes, the fantasy really did have a hold on the girl. When the student showed up in her office, Hartman was curious to know how Ruthie's crush on Mrs. Peters ended. Did her attention simply move elsewhere, or was there some event that disillusioned her? During the session she asked Ruthie that question: "No, I never got over Mrs. Peters. What happened was the school year ended and she was only teaching freshman-level classes. I really wanted to get into another one of her classes, and I tried, but my school counselor said 'no, you're not taking a freshman-level class just because you want to be with your favorite teacher.' So, I didn't get into any of her classes and I didn't see much of her over the next year. Anyhow, I was doing all this reading at home...this was when I started getting into ancient history and Rome and Biblical times and was starting to realize how the Bible was put together." "So you were able to forget about Mrs. Peters?" "I didn't say that. No. I never forgot about her. I wanted to see her, but I knew I couldn't and I knew I couldn't talk to anybody about it. I mean...how could I have told anyone what I was feeling and what I wanted? Anyhow, something happened around Halloween of my sophomore year, that kinda upset me, I mean...I felt totally stupid...but it really affected me. There was this big school function...family day...and the students were supposed to bring their parents and the teachers were supposed to bring their husbands and kids...and here Mrs. Peters shows up with her husband and this kid that must have been about five or so. Yes, I know...her name was Mrs. Peters so she was gonna have a husband because of that, but...you know...I was having all these fantasies and I wasn't thinking about her husband...and then I saw him and realized that everything I was thinking about me and her was a bunch of shit. Here she was, walking around with this guy and this kid...and...I don't know how to say it...but it kinda...you know...affected me." "Ruthie, you need to understand that you weren't in love with Mrs. Peters. You were in love with a fantasy that you created yourself. The only thing Mrs. Peters did was put a face on that fantasy. Have you ever thought about it like that?" Hartman's words cut at Ruthie, because no, she had not thought about her love for Mrs. Peters like that. All that emotion and affection and lusting and daydreams...all of that was nothing but a fantasy that she herself had created? That she was not in love with the real Mrs. Peters? She would have rejected that idea, but it was true that Ruthie's fantasies with her teacher never included anything having to do with the woman's real life. While Ruthie spent her time daydreaming and masturbating, Mrs. Peters was taking care of her kid and probably cooking dinner for her husband. So all of it was all an illusion; the imaginary personality that Ruthie had assigned to her teacher. Nothing but a fantasy. It was hard for Ruthie to accept that she was in love with a figment of her imagination and not with a real person, but she knew Hartman was right. She couldn't have been in love with Mrs. Peters because the Mrs. Peters of her sexual fantasies existed only in her mind. The real Mrs. Peters was totally different. Unfortunately, during Ruthie's sophomore year there was no one who could explain to Ruthie what was going on with her crush on her teacher. Ruthie was disappointed, but she couldn't articulate to herself why she was so disappointed. Now Hartman had helped her dig up that memory and offered her a good explanation. She went back to her feelings and her reaction: "I dunno. When I saw her family, all I wanted to do was go home and...like...hit myself...or poison myself like those Roman women did if things weren't going well in their lives. I was thinking about God and what a sicko I was and how fucked up I was...I felt like total shit. I know it was stupid to feel that way, but it's how I felt." "Wait a sec...let's back up. Was that the first time you thought about killing yourself? Because of that school event where your teacher showed up with her husband?" "No...I was thinking about it before...kind of...but it was the first time I seriously wanted to do anything...I was totally depressed that I had been wrong about Mrs. Peters, but I never figured out how to do it right, kill myself, I mean. I wanted to try hemlock...you know like what that Greek philosopher Socrates did...that sounded like a really neat way to go...but I couldn't find the recipe. But I did start doing something else..." The counselor waited for her client to continue, but Ruthie started fidgeting and stared at the floor. Finally Hartman got tired of waiting. She looked at the clock and saw that there were only a few minutes remaining in the session. "Would you feel comfortable sharing it?" Ruthie blushed furiously. "It was something really weird...that I did...really...I guess...it was kinda perverted..." "I think 'perverted' is in the eye of the beholder, Ruthie. I've talked to a lot of people about a lot of things and I have seen a lot of things. Unless you're doing something that's hurting someone else, I don't think it's very easy to shock or offend me." Ruthie became very agitated as she glanced at the clock. She badly wanted to tell Dr. Hartman her secret, but felt that she needed to tell the entire story from beginning to end. There wasn't enough time for that. Another urge hit her. OK, Dr. Hartman...you really want to know about me? You say nothing can shock you? Well, we'll see about that. She continued staring at the floor and fidgeted. "Dr. Hartman...it's a long story...and I...I got some pictures...and...maybe you ought to see them...and then...I'll tell you...I can tell you...you know...what I did..." "You want to show me some pictures? Ones that you took?" Ruthie blushed and nodded. "Alright then, we'll leave it for next time. The clock's not much of a friend to us, is it?" Ruthie shook her head. The Outsider Ch. 25 Chapter 25 -- Ruthie's birthday wish That night, after her classes were finished and she had eaten dinner with Mike, Ruthie accompanied him to his room and allowed him to make love to her. She surprised him by getting on her elbows and knees, spreading her legs and lewdly exposing herself. Before he entered her, he took a couple of pictures. She closed her eyes and fantasized about being spanked and photographed during one of her art class modeling sessions...yes...getting with the belt right in front of all those students who drew her every day. She actually did respond to Mike...a little...which was not common for her at all. Once he was asleep, Ruthie took out two picture cards that fit into her mother's digital camera and placed them next to her computer. One of the cards had been filled to capacity for a couple of years and was kept locked up in a jewelry box with Ruthie's passport, ID cards, and her one credit card. The second card was still in the camera, but it was almost full. She inserted the older card and started going through the images she had taken of herself during the first three years she had been in high school. The oldest pictures on the card were ones of her with her cousins and a few of her that her mother had taken the year after she had moved to Salinas. But then, starting from the middle of her freshman year; began a vast collection of pictures she had taken of herself. All of the images on the card from that point forward were nude self-portraits. Ruthie already had been running around her apartment in the nude for nearly a year and was used to staring at herself in the mirror when she started to take pictures of herself. A few days before she started, she had seen Rosa using a delayed focus to take a group shot with some friends. The camera in Ruthie's apartment also had a delayed focus and, remembering how Rosa used the function to include herself in a group shot; Ruthie wondered if she could use the delayed focus to take a self-portrait. For several weeks she had been curious to see what she would look like photographed in the nude. During her daily morning "me time" she experimented with the focus and finally learned how to time her movement so she could set the camera and move in front of it before the flash went off. The first several pictures came out blurry, but then she got a very clear one of herself sitting on her bed. For a long time she admired that first picture, a casual pose of herself naked and looking into the camera. That image and pose were the first of many she would take of herself in the nude over the next four years. She experimented with positions and lighting, keeping the pictures she liked and getting rid of the ones she didn't. Over time her collection grew and her ability to take self-portraits improved. The contents of that picture card and its successor were her most prized possession, and yet they were a possession that up until that afternoon had been a total secret from the entire world. She had conflicting feelings about the collection of images, because she was proud of them and wanted to show them to someone, but at the same time she was desperately afraid of them getting out. Now she did have a person to safely show them to and they would remain a secret, because Hartman was sworn to maintain patient confidentiality. Whatever the counselor thought of the pictures, she would have to keep quiet because of the rules of her profession. For Ruthie that restriction was perfect. Ruthie had never made any back-up copies of her photo collection. It was one thing out of many in her life that she had procrastinated. She had bought two thumb drives, one for her entire collection and the other to copy just the pictures she was planning to show to her counselor. When she counted the number of pictures stored on the two cards she was surprised, because she counted over 900 images altogether, of which nearly 800 were "naughty" pictures. That was just her high school collection. Mike had several hundred more recently taken pictures stored in his camera. Figuring that night was as good a time as any, she quietly took Mike's card out of his camera and added his pictures to the collection stored on the thumb-drive. Adding Mike's pictures raised the total to 1500 files, almost all of which were images of Ruthie's exposed body. Just the thought of having posed for so many pictures aroused her. Within the collection there were about 200 images she had taken during the months she was experimenting with self-spanking. Most of those 200 photos were taken during or after her sessions with the bath brush, displaying her bare bottom in various shades of red. The remaining self-portraits were taken while she was holding the bath brush in her hand and masturbating. She spent a long time looking at those images on her computer screen. They had been taken nearly four years before, but Ruthie still found them very erotic. She really did look sexy posing with her red butt for the camera. The very last picture of that batch had been taken right after she had giving herself that really severe spanking that left her bottom swollen and covered with welts, just a few hours before her gym teacher saw her in the nurse's office. Following that last spanking picture there was a four-month gap in the images because she had been too scared to take any more, but she could not bring herself to deleting the ones she already had taken. Starting on her 16th birthday the pictures started up again, but from that point forward the images were just nudes. As she looked through the spanking images, she thought about sorting out which ones were the best, but decided that it would be better to let Dr. Hartman know the full story of how obsessed she was about inflicting punishment on herself and documenting the results. During her next appointment Ruthie handed a thumb drive to her counselor. She was extremely nervous as she stood next to Hartman's desk. She felt as though she had gone into Hartman's office, taken off her clothes, and was standing naked next to her counselor. In a way she standing naked next to her counselor, because the pictures graphically exposed her and left absolutely nothing to the imagination. Hartman looked though about half of the images in silence. She then pulled the thumb drive and handed it back to her patient. She was calm, so Ruthie had no idea what effect, if any seeing those pictures had on her. "A question. How old were you when you were posing for those pictures?" "For the ones you saw, 15. I was 15 years old." "I suppose I'm not going to be able to talk you into getting rid of them." "Why?" "You need to understand that what's on that thumb-drive is about as illegal as you can get. People go to jail for years for having stuff like that on their computers." "Are you gonna report me?" "No. That's not my job. And I'm not passing judgment on what you were doing, nor am I passing judgment on the fact you like photographing yourself. I'm simply warning you those images will get you in a lot of legal trouble if they ever get out." Ruthie was annoyed that was her counselor's only reaction to the contents of her thumb drive. She had been hoping Dr. Hartman would be scandalized, or better yet, perhaps aroused. Instead she looked at them dispassionately and the only comment about them that she had was that they were illegal. Yes, Ruthie already knew that. She wasn't sure how to proceed. Hartman broke the silence. "So...this is what you were doing right after you had that disappointment with Mrs. Peters?" "I guess it wasn't right after...maybe I started a couple of weeks later." Ruthie then told the story from beginning to end, starting with how everything started when she overheard a conversation not meant for her ears. Hartman pointed out that what the conversation did was give her the idea of using the bath brush for something she had been wanting to do anyway. The two women spent several minutes trying to unravel Ruthie's mix of religious guilt and burning sexuality. Hartman pointed out that Ruthie needed an outlet for both her guilt and her sexual frustrations and it was her bruised bottom that paid the price. Hartman pointed out that Ruthie was extremely lucky that her gym teacher did not report the "abuse", because under state law she was supposed to do so. Hartman could imagine how scary that must have been for her client, wondering if her "secret" would be exposed. Given the religion that was being pushed on her at the time, it was easy to picture how Ruthie must have been on a guilt trip for months afterwards for nearly having gotten her mother in trouble, which was indeed true. "I'm wondering if that scare that you had was sort of a watershed event in your life. I'm wondering that because it seems you got a lot more into serious reading and adult topics after you turned 16." "I 'spose maybe that's true, Dr. Hartman. "And you never got back into punishing yourself?" Ruthie shook her head. "Is that something you'd ever think about doing?" "I'd love it. But it would have to be just right, and I don't see how I'd ever find anyone who could do it 'just right'. I mean...people are into all kinds of weird shit...blood, black clothing, high heels, tattoos, punching holes in their skin, pissing in their faces...and I wouldn't want to do any of that, or even look at it. I'd just want it to be simple...I take off my dress, get my ass spanked, cry a bit, and get held. I don't want to have to deal with any of the weird shit." "Have you brought this up with Mike?" Ruthie shook her head. "No. I couldn't picture doing anything like that with him." "Why's that?" Ruthie thought for a minute. Why couldn't she picture doing anything like that with him? Was it her dislike of sex? Was it that she didn't want to risk messing up the relationship? Was it that she still was holding on to her fantasy with Mrs. Peters? Was it that she didn't trust him? Or maybe she didn't trust herself? "I don't know. I never thought about it." "Well, I think you should consider talking to Mike about your fantasies. I'm not saying actually do anything, but it might help your relationship if you get to know a bit more about that part of each other. I'm going to guess you never asked him about his fantasies either." Ruthie shook her head. "I'd hope your relationship would be about sharing. You two are leaving out a lot if you're not talking about your turn-on's." Hartman proceeded to help Ruthie put her episodes of self-spanking into perspective, and in doing so helped her client resolve some of the guilt she felt over what she did to herself when she was 15. Hartman surprised the student by telling her that she was by no means the first client who admitted to inflicting self-punishment for sexual pleasure. "It's a lot more common that you realize. And you think that the others who've come into my office don't have the same worries about it that you do?" Hartman also pointed out that a lot of religious sects, ranging from the Catholic Church to radical Muslims, encouraged their members to inflict self-punishment. ---------- By the time she left Hartman's office, Ruthie felt a lot more confident about herself, that maybe she really wasn't as much of a freak with her sexual fantasies as she had thought. Because of what she had learned in that session, she decided that she would indeed share some of her fantasies with Mike. She also fully intended to share her collection of photographs with him, perhaps as a birthday present. That was the one piece of Hartman's advice she would never follow: there was no way she'd consider deleting the pictures she had taken of herself throughout high school. They documented an important part of her life, they were irreplaceable, and they meant too much to her. Ruthie's 19th birthday was just a few days after she shared her "secret" with Dr. Hartman, at the end of March. She had never bothered to tell Mike about her birthday because stuff like that had no meaning for her. However, he knew the date because it was on both her California state ID and her student ID and there were plenty of times she had left her ID's on the spare desk in his room. Mike was not romantic, nor was he the sort who would risk wasting his money on something Ruthie wouldn't like. She would never have to worry about him buying her lingerie or any other gifts that men typically buy for their wives or girlfriends that make them roll their eyes. He was not going to try to guess what she wanted. He simply asked. Ruthie sat quietly, giving the matter some thought. What did she want for her birthday? There were two things that she really would have liked, but she assumed that Mike did not have the money for either. One would have been a laptop, the other would have been having her summer tuition paid. There was nothing cheaper that she wanted and she was not going to ask him to spend his money on something she really didn't care about. So what did she want that was within reason? "Let me think about it. I'm not really sure. I'll let you know tomorrow." She realized that what she wanted from him was not material item, but an experience. Hartman's advice for her to share her sexual fantasies came back into her thoughts. She knew that she would not be able to articulate verbally what she wanted him to do, so she decided to write him a note: On my birthday, I here is what I want: 1. I want to spend the entire day with my clothes off. I want you to figure out something so I don't have to get dressed from the time I get up until the time I go to bed. 2. I want you to take charge of me. I don't want to have to think about anything or make any decisions. I want to do what you tell me. If you want to tie my hands or blindfold me, that would be OK. 3. I want to go out, so you'll need to figure out where we can go where I won't have to put my clothes on. 4. When we get back, whether it is to the dorm or wherever else you decide to take me, I want you to punish me. I want you to spank me on my butt. I want you to give me a very long spanking, and I don't want you to be afraid to hit me hard. I'm not sure what'll happen when you spank me. If you can get me to cry, that'd be great. I'm not sure if I'll be able to cry or not, and if I can't cry, don't worry about it. I might get really turned on by it. I don't know. 5. When you're spanking me, I'm probably going to be in my own zone, so it would be better not to say anything to me. No lectures about me being a bad girl and needing punishment and no questions about how I feel. There won't be a safe-word. If I want you to stop or slow down, I'll just tell you. 6. When you're done spanking me, if I'm crying I will need to be held. If I'm turned on, then we can have sex. I don't want to have sex if I'm crying. I understand what put in here sounds kind of weird, but you did ask me what I wanted and I'm telling you. ---------- Ruthie's birthday began at 3:00 am. That was the moment Mike touched her shoulder and told her it was time to get up. The previous night he had told her to stay in his room so she'd be ready for the day. He told her to put on her shoes. Having slept naked, she already was not wearing anything else. He looked outside his door to make sure no one was in the hallway, patted her bare bottom and told her it was time to go. They walked out through a side door. Mike knew that an alarm would go off at the night desk and the Resident Advisor assigned for night duty would have to investigate, but by the time he got to the door Mike and Ruthie would be long-gone. As soon as they were outside, Mike slapped Ruthie on the bottom and took her hand. They walked along the sidewalk to the parking lot assigned to the dorms. Ruthie felt the cool foggy morning air on her body and started to shiver. She put her arms around her chest, but her boyfriend told her to put her hands down by her sides. "No covering yourself." She was relieved to get into Mike's car. They drove off in the darkness. They drove to Santa Cruz before turning inland. By the time the sun came up, they were driving along an isolated road that led to the back entrance of a forest park. Mike had carefully researched the route, making sure they would not have to drive through any towns after it got light outside. They were still driving along the forested hills after the sun came up, but by then they were safely away from any towns where they would have to stop. They came to a very isolated trail-head where there was only space for three cars. Ruthie could tell that the trail was rarely used, especially during the week. When they got out, Mike put some sunscreen on Ruthie's shoulders and picked up a fully loaded backpack. With that the couple set off on their hike. Mike's intention was to spend several hours hiking on the difficult trail, go to a lake he had seen on a forest service map, have lunch there and swim, and then see what his girlfriend wanted to do. If she was tired and wanted to sleep, that would take up some of the afternoon. If she was not tired, they'd simply hike a bit further to another pond; then turn around. Once they were several hundred yards from the parking lot, Mike took off his clothing as well and stuffed it in his backpack. The day was one of the happiest of Ruthie's life. She enjoyed the scenery and the feeling of the warm sun on her skin. She had the chance to observe a lot of geological formations and the couple made many stops and treks off the trail so Ruthie could look at something that interested her. The delays and constant stops were a pleasant surprise for Mike, because he had been worried they might get to the end of the trail too soon and then have nothing to do. His plan was to return to the car about an hour before sunset so it would be dark before they got back on a main road. Going back any earlier than that would be too risky. Mike took numerous pictures of his naked girlfriend as she wandered around the rocks and walked along the trail. She also posed for numerous pictures; striking just about every position imaginable. Mike smiled and reflected that she really was "nature's girl". When they got to the lake, they spread out a dorm blanket and had lunch. Mike then gave Ruthie a lengthy massage. Sure enough, she fell asleep. He took several pictures of her while sleeping before going into the water for a swim. She woke up a couple of hours later and swam as well. She rewarded him by hugging him and massaging his penis until he got hard. She grabbed her tube of lubricant and lay down on the blanket. He entered her and thrust as she lay quietly with her eyes closed. By that time he was used to her quietness while they were having sex. She had told him that she was enjoying it when he made love to her, but was just more quiet about it than most women. When it was time to head back, Mike's careful planning paid off, because they made it to his car shortly before sunset. Mike felt that he had to get dressed before he started driving, but Ruthie was able to enjoy the ride through the countryside in the nude. The next stop was a clothing-optional resort that had a restaurant and hot tubs. Mike had called ahead to make reservations and to make sure they could get in without being members. They enjoyed a naked dinner, complete with a small cake for Ruthie's birthday, and spent time in the pool and hot tubs. By the time they left the resort it was well after 10:00 pm. They didn't return to the university until almost midnight. By that time Mike was dead-tired, but so far he had given Ruthie the birthday that she had asked for. Mike knew that the hardest and most dangerous part of the day would be getting back into his room. He had to somehow get Ruthie past the night clerk. He gave that some thought and came up with a plan. He gave Ruthie the key to his room and told her to wait in the bushes near the front entrance. Then he went inside, walked to the far side of the building, and propped the exit open. He knew the night clerk would have to close the door and re-lock it, which would give Ruthie the chance to get past the reception desk without being seen. There was a chance someone would see her in the hallway, but that was a risk she'd have to take. Mike told Ruthie to wait exactly two minutes, and then go in. Her heart pounding, Ruthie looked at the watch Mike had lent her, and at two minutes left her hiding spot and ran into the building. The night clerk was not at the desk. She fumbled with his key, let herself into the main hallway, and ran to his room. She had to run past several guys who were sitting on the floor chatting in the hall. They whistled at her, but did nothing more. Finally Ruthie got to Mike's room and let herself in. He showed up a few moments later. The Outsider Ch. 25 The day had been perfect so far. There was only one thing left to do. While she waited, he dragged in a small sofa that he borrowed from the commons area. Her heart pounded as she helped him move the spare bed to make room for the sofa. Mike then took off his clothes and sat down. Without saying anything, Ruthie approached him. He reached up to take her hand and pulled her across his lap. He massaged her bottom, enjoying the sight and feel of her soft skin under the palm of his hand. He took his time, because he wanted to enjoy her body before he began her birthday spanking. She trembled with anticipation as she waited for the first slap. Finally Mike rested his hand on her left bottom-cheek and gave her a moderate smack. She jerked slightly. He hit her again, on the other side. She closed her eyes and was very quiet. The spanking started out slowly and softly. He wasn't sure how hard he should hit, even though she had told him that she wanted him to hit her hard. After he had spanked her lightly for a long time, but could tell that she was growing impatient and wanted him to spank her harder. Finally he did what she wanted, slapping her bottom with crisp hard smacks. She snuggled over his lap and steadied herself by holding onto his shin. Her bottom was turning red, but she gave him no sign whatsoever she wanted him to stop. Finally Mike set aside his reservations and slapped her very hard. He paced himself, giving her a hard smack every 10 seconds. He started rubbing her swelling bottom between slaps. She closed her eyes and her breathing changed. She flinched each time he hit her, but it was clear from her expression that she was enjoying being spanked. He wanted to ask her if she had enough, but fortunately he avoided that mistake. This was Ruthie's spanking and Ruthie's experience. It needed to be what she wanted. His hand was getting tired and the girl's bottom was deep red when she surprised him. She moaned from arousal. That was clearly a happy moan...something Mike had never heard from her before. Out of curiosity he touched her between the legs, only to discover that she was totally wet. That was a shock to him, because never had he seen her wet or aroused. She moaned again and began moving her hips on his lap. There was no question about it...for the first time since he had known her...she was having an orgasm. He brushed his fingers between her legs and spanked her some more. Her breathing changed completely. She moaned again. His fingers returned to her pussy. He touched her clitoris and she tilted her body up to make it easier for him. She moaned again as he explored the most sensitive part of her body. She was rocking back and forth, rubbing herself. He pushed her up and told her to get on her hands and knees on his bed. She obeyed him and waited while he struggled to get a condom on. He entered her and thrust. She still was tremendously aroused. She climaxed when he was still inside her. A few minutes later the two students calmed down and got into Mike's bed. She fell asleep and with that her birthday celebration came to an end. Within a few hours she'd have to get up and go to the student center to serve coffee. As he held her in his arms, Mike wondered what to make out of what had just happened. He understood that Ruthie had been lying to him about her orgasms. No, during all those times they had previously made love, she had not been aroused. That crap about her quiet orgasms was total bullshit. He knew it for a fact, because now he had seen what she was like when she really was aroused. He didn't know whether to resent the fact she had lied to him, or appreciate the fact she was trying to make him happy while doing something she didn't like. The Outsider Ch. 26 Chapter 26 -- Ruthie's only choice Throughout April, Mike quietly continued driving Sam's truck around campus and collecting money from meters. It was a routine that he started to enjoy, apart from the extra income that he was taking in. He spent his afternoons listening to news on the radio, took breaks when he wanted, and spent most of his time working alone. He could certainly see why Sam had no ambition to do anything else, because it was not a high-pressure life. Nevertheless, Mike realized that he would need to start taking a ticketing machine with him, because the freeloaders of Lot Econ-A had noticed that he no longer was out there to harass them. Meter collections began to drop as students returned to the lot and found their cars had been parked all day and were not ticketed. No, that wouldn't do. Those meters were Mike's main source of personal income and those little bastards had no right to just sit there and not pay. Starting on the fifth week of Sam's vacation, Mike always took a ticketing machine with him when he worked the meters and spent as much time writing tickets as he spent emptying canisters. He started working hard again, not because of his old determination to persecute the rich crowd, but because he wanted to make sure the meters (especially the ones that were jammed) always got paid. During the sixth week of Sam's absence, Mike accelerated both his ticketing and his collections. He figured out how to jam meters himself without making it look suspicious, and in doing so took in an extra couple hundred dollars per day. He assumed that Sam would be back next week and with his co-worker's return, his "perk" would come to an end. It turned out Sam wasn't coming back. The department director took advantage of his absence to force him into retirement. Over the next several weeks Mike would hear enough rumors and gossip to figure out that Sam was forced out because of his health insurance premiums, which had been set up decades before during a time there still was money in personnel budgets for that type of thing. It was ironic that had Sam known about the health insurance issue, he easily could have paid the premiums from the money he was taking out of the meters. However, because the manager considered Sam an honest and loyal employee, he assumed that there was no way Sam had the extra income needed to pay those high premiums. It was easier to push him into retirement. Mike was aghast when he realized what the department had done to his mentor. He also felt very guilty about his role in facilitating Sam's removal, because it was obvious that he had been selected not to assist Sam, but to replace him. Neither Mike nor Sam had any clue that was what had been plotted in the front office. When he found out the full story, he wanted to call Sam and apologize, but...apologize for what? That he had been the mope who was used by the director to make sure Sam could be pushed out the door? Mike knew that the department, on paper at least, would save a bundle by replacing Sam with a student employee. Mike's pay went up only slightly and he was not eligible for any benefits. Also, Mike would be even easier to replace than Sam if he ever ended up costing the department too much in wages. Throughout the final weeks of the semester Mike noticed that two other older employees of the parking department had disappeared, also forced into retirement, no doubt. By the beginning of May noticed that the dispatcher was not her usual smirky sarcastic self. At the end of the semester, she too would be gone. Because Mike was more observant than most of the other student employees, he could understand how truly corrupt the parking department was. The department was a money-making machine, and yet it did not share any of its income with the rest of the university. Obviously a huge amount of money had been spent to build the parking garage, but a lot of that expense had been funded with credit and not paid up front. As for everything else...the parking trucks were old and in poor condition, the meters were all older (which was part of the reason some of them were always jammed), and the parking lots received only minimal maintenance. So where was all the money going? Not to the employees, that was for sure, because the students were earning barely more than minimum wage and had no benefits. Well, conditions in the main office totally contrasted with what was outside. The secretaries had the newest computers and office furniture and the director had an oak desk. Mike started noticing what the office staff was driving to work. All of them had very nice cars. So...that was what the efforts of Mike and his co-workers were paying for: a fancy office and fancy cars for the director and his favorite staff members. As Sam had said: "Ain't spending it on us, that's for sure." So... at the beginning of the seventh week of Sam's absence, Officer # 36's temporary assignment became permanent. Permanent, in a manner of speaking, because he could be dismissed at any moment. But, as long as he could hold onto his job, Mike would grab as much money as he could and pad his savings. He wouldn't think about the future, because the future would come soon enough. He would concentrate on the money, because to have money was to have power and control over one's own fate. As he stared at the growing stacks of rolled quarters hidden in the wardrobe of his dorm room, a thought crossed his mind: the possibility of helping his dad make mortgage payments. Why not? If he continued with his new gig into the foreseeable future, why couldn't he use some of those quarters to give back to his dad? Mike pondered what to do. The problem with helping his parents was that Mr. Sinclair would want to know where he was getting the money. If he suspected that Mike was obtaining his money from doing something illegal, he would angrily refuse it. Mr. Sinclair always had been scrupulously honest and would berate his son for touching "dirty money". There was some hypocrisy in his attitude, because of what he was planning to do to his lender when they foreclosed. However, he considered his slight-of-hand with the "underwater mortgage" payback to an economic system that had betrayed him, and thus different from what his son was doing: stealing money outright. Still, it was a relief for Mike to think that he no longer was worried about his own finances and instead had enough money to start worrying about those around him. Another pleasant thought occurred to him: he now was in a position to help his girlfriend. If she wanted to, Ruthie could tell Jake Burns to go fuck himself. At the rate he was bringing in money, Mike would have enough to pay her tuition as well as his own and still have plenty to spare. As for living in the dorm next year, there would be no need for that. He'd get an apartment and simply have her move in with him. ---------- Ruthie did notice the ongoing change in her boyfriend's fortunes. Now, if he wanted something, he bought it. If she wanted something, he bought it. That became especially apparent when Mike and Ruthie went to his parents' house to celebrate Easter and Mike treated his entire family to a catered Easter dinner. The food was the best food anyone sitting at the table had eaten for a long time and must have cost Mike a small fortune. Ruthie noticed that her boyfriend's parents were grateful for their son's generosity. However, they also appeared bewildered concerning where he could have earned the money. Mike sensed his father's unease, so he talked about the change of assignment at his job as though it were a major promotion and told them that he had received a big raise. Ruthie wondered what really was going on at Mike's job, because back in January Mike had mentioned that he was working with one of the older employees and it did not seem like his meter job was that big of a deal. Now all of a sudden it was a big deal, and there was no further mention of that older co-worker. She knew that something was going on. However, she decided not to confront him about it. It was nice to see him not so bitter about his life, and even nicer to be dating a person that had some money and was willing to spend it on her. There was one favor in particular that convinced her to not ask questions. A few days after Easter, she had a bad toothache. Two mornings later he drove her to Santa Cruz and took her to his dentist. It turned out she needed two fillings. Ruthie objected, knowing that there was no way she could afford two fillings and X-rays. The hygienist gave her a strange look. "Ms. Burns, it's been taken care of. Your boyfriend just paid." "He did? How much was it?" The hygienist looked at her clipboard. "Looks like it was $ 537 dollars." "...and he paid it? All of it? Just like that?" "Yes. Paid in cash. Why? Is there a problem?" Ruthie shook her head. Bewildered by her boyfriend's generosity, she lay back in the chair and winced as the Novocain was injected into her jaw. ---------- As April progressed and the end of the semester loomed ever closer, Ruthie understood how totally dependent she had become on Mike. There was no way she had wanted that to happen, but it seemed that her life had not given her any choice. All of her attempts to reach out to anyone other than her boyfriend were rebuffed. Most people were not nearly as rude to her as Shannon had been, but it was clear that everyone Ruthie talked to, especially other college students, simply were not interested in getting to know her. She knew that there were guys who would have been interested in her, but only for the same reason that piece of shit at Junior Prom had been interested in her. She knew that she was physically attractive and that there were guys who would have brushed aside her creepy personality if they could use her for their own sexual relief. She wanted no part of that. The squalid experience on that dirt road two years before was a sufficiently painful lesson for her. There was no way she'd want to risk going through that again. There were women that Ruthie looked at longingly. Jen was the one she was most attracted to, but there were others. She understood there was not a chance she'd ever connect. One unpleasant incident at the student center stood out in her mind; that involved a female customer who periodically bought coffee at Ruthie's shop. The student sat down to drink her coffee just before Ruthie went on break, so Ruthie took her snack and took a seat at the next table. She sat admiring the other woman, working up the courage to try to talk to her. Suddenly the customer stood up, approached Ruthie, and snapped: "You got a fucking problem?" Ruthie blushed, but was so shocked that she couldn't answer. She just shook her head. "Then you need to stop staring at me!" The other girl walked off and Ruthie never saw her again. It was a minor incident, but one that left her badly shaken. So that was it. Guys didn't interest her, she could not connect with any of the women she liked, and she was becoming increasingly distant from her family...as though she were ever all that close to them anyway. She was totally alone, except for a single person who cared about her. Mike was the only one... ---------- At the end of April, Ruthie received a call from her mother. She was surprised, because the two women had not spoken to each other for over a month, not since the conversation when Ruthie "came out" as an atheist. When she picked up her cell phone, Ruthie tensed up, torn between wanting to make up with her mother and wanting to be firm with her opinions about religion. To Ruthie's surprise, the topic of religion never came up. Doña Lisette had other things to worry about. Ruthie's grandfather had fallen ill, was bedridden, and required constant care. As the only daughter in the family, the responsibility fell on Doña Lisette to return to Culiacan and care for her invalid father. Of course Ruthie's cousin Alex already was right there living in his grandparents' house, but there was not a chance in Hell he'd demean himself by doing something useful for his family. At any other time Doña Lisette would have tried to find another solution for her father's care, but at that moment she had nothing to keep her in the US. Her possessions were gone, she was estranged from her daughter, and it was very likely she'd finally be laid-off from her job by the middle of the summer. As far as she was concerned, it was time to go home. Ruthie was trying to recover from that shock when her mother hit her with another piece of bad news. Gerardo's baby was in coma and was not expected to survive more than another day or so, which was the reason she was calling. Doña Lisette wanted Ruthie to go with her to the funeral, since that probably was going to be the last time she would have a chance to see her brother and her daughter in the same place. Ruthie responded: "Mom...of course I'll be there. Why wouldn't I go?" "I don't know about you, Ruthie. That's why I had to call you and ask. I never know what you're going to do. I don't really feel that I know you. You're my daughter, but I don't know who you are." No Mom, you really don't know me, thought Ruthie to herself. You never knew me. You never understood me, and it was the same with me and you. Our worlds are different. We'll never understand each other, but that's no one's fault. I guess it was too bad that we got separated when I was a little kid...I know that didn't help any. I know you tried with me. You did what you could, and maybe I didn't turn out so bad...not like Alex...but we're strangers, and we always will be strangers. She would have wanted to say some of that, but all she could get out was: "Mom...I'll be there, OK? I'll be there. You don't have to guilt-trip me about it." ---------- A funeral is never a pleasant event, and certainly if the ceremony is to commemorate the death of an infant, that makes a funeral considerably worse. However, the baby's funeral was exceedingly somber for another reason, because it seemed to be, in a way, a funeral for the entire family. Ruthie's relatives would be going their separate ways as soon as the ceremony was over. Her mother was going to back to Mexico, her cousins Rosa and Alex already were absent, and Ruthie had heard a rumor that Gerardo and his wife were splitting up. As for herself, she had always been the outlying member of that family, the one who really never fit in. She was going away too, because with her mother departing for Mexico, she would never again have any reason to set foot in Salinas and had no intention of doing so. Whatever the future held for her, it would have to be somewhere else. Ruthie's mother was not leaving for Mexico until the following day, but Ruthie decided to say goodbye to her after the funeral had ended and return to Davenport. They hugged each other for the last time. Whatever they needed to say to each other would remain unsaid. ---------- That night, Ruthie decided it was time to share her darkest secret with Mike. She put her bath brush in her backpack and went over to his room. The two students stripped off their clothes and Mike assumed that they would be massaging each other shortly and that either he would get to enter her or would have to settle for a hand-job. Instead, Ruthie laid the bath brush on the spare desk next to her computer. Already Mike suspected what she wanted him to do with it, but Ruthie said nothing. Instead she told him to turn on his computer and handed him the thumb-drive she had taken to Dr. Hartman's office a few weeks earlier. "I'm gonna trust you with something. It's something that no one, except my counselor, knows about." Mike looked at the pictures in amazement. Ruthie noticed that, when he was about a fourth the way through, his penis started to stiffen. He was embarrassed, but he couldn't help himself. A lot of the pictures were very sexy. "You were doing this to yourself?" Ruthie blushed and nodded. "With the same brush that's sitting on the desk. It's a long story. Someday I'll tell it to you, but a lot of it's in the pictures." "It was something you got off on?" Ruthie blushed and nodded. Then she continued: "I...I'm feeling kinda sucky right now...I can't explain it...but I was kinda...you know...wondering if you'd like to...you know...with the brush..." She noticed his penis was totally erect. He was blushing. She picked up the brush and handed it to him. Then she placed her hands on his bed and spread her legs. Even though he already had spanked her once, Mike couldn't believe what Ruthie was doing. She was asking him to punish her. Mike's mind was full of doubts over what he was about to do. Among other concerns he was wondering what would happen if Ruthie modeled in art class on Monday with bruises on her bottom. However, he was more worried about hurting her lovely body. He treasured the sight of his girlfriend's naked figure and was reluctant to do anything to injure her. And yet, at that moment he found the sight of her bent over his bed extremely erotic. He positioned himself and touched the brush to her bottom. She was trembling slightly. He was curious and did not start spanking right away. Instead he rubbed the back of the brush over her vulnerable backside. She took a deep breath and started trembling more, but did not move out of position. Finally he was ready to begin. He started out slowly, giving her moderately hard swats on the lower and middle part of her bottom. He was careful to hit only one side at a time and not hit anywhere near her hips or her pelvis. He suspected that in high school she had probably punished herself in rapid bursts, nerved herself for the next round, and then started with another burst. He would not punish her rapidly, but make her anticipate each swat. He struck, then rubbed the brush over the next spot where he planned to hit, and struck again. The spanking was very painful and unnerving for Ruthie. Her knees were trembling. She just wished the spanking were over with, but the irony was that it was up to her to end it. All she had to do was tell Mike to stop, and yet she was determined not to do so. She wanted the spanking to be as severe as possible. Finally, she did break down and started crying. Mike noticed that no longer were her knees shaking from fear and anticipation, but instead her upper body was shaking from sobs. Mike was totally aroused, but he knew that, unlike the night of her birthday, she was not aroused at all. And yet, she needed a release...and was trying to find it with the bath-brush. Her bottom already was very red and swollen. Mike didn't want to hurt her any further. He placed his hand on her shoulder. "That's enough, Ruthie. I want you to stand up." She obeyed him and stood up. She then hugged him and cried into his shoulder. They said nothing more. They lay together in Mike's bed. Tears were still running down her cheeks when she noticed he was still very hard. She massaged him until he came. She didn't want sex that night, but she felt that at the very least she owed him a hand-job. When he finished and shot semen all over his stomach, she toweled him off. Then he fell asleep. For Ruthie sleeping was more difficult because her bottom was so sore, but that feeling was what she had wanted for the past three years. The Outsider Ch. 27 Chapter 27 -- Non-verbal communication disorder The semester was drawing to a close. No one was more aware of that than counselor Dr. Lynn Hartman, because she was bombarded with frantic calls from many of her clients, some of whom were going to fail classes, some of whom were worried about leaving the university for the summer, or for good, and some of whom simply were stressed out about not having anyone to talk to. During the final days of the semester she thought about a science fiction story she had read years before, by Isaac Asimov about "Multivac" a computer that had been programmed to counsel the entire world and was so overwhelmed with everyone's problems that it wanted to self-destruct. Multivac...Hartman muttered to herself...I know how you must have felt... Among Hartman's dilemmas was what to do about her client Ruthie Burns. There were nineteen years of pent up problems and stress in her client's mind and no one she could share them with...so over the past two semesters Ruthie had unloaded in Hartman's office. For eight months the counselor had listened to Ruthie's deluge of problems and complaints. She had a strong professional interest in Ruthie, because she considered the girl one of her more interesting patients. The girl's mind and memories were like a jigsaw puzzle that the counselor had to re-assemble, with some of the pieces missing and others hidden in places where she had to spend her time looking to retrieve them. Hartman may have been interested in the intellectual challenge offered to her by Ruthie, but also she felt a growing personal bond. Ruthie was an intense and difficult person to deal with, but she had a lot of positive points. When a person truly got to know her, she had a lot to offer. She was sincere, extremely knowledgeable and intelligent, and talking to her was a nice break from Hartman's normal dealings with spoiled rich people, who had messed up their lives because of too much partying, bad romances, and substance abuse problems. By the end of the semester Hartman felt that all those hours with her client had paid off, because she was convinced she could diagnose the underlying cause of Ruthie's unhappiness throughout her life. Explaining the situation to Ruthie would require some tact, because many of her problems with social adjustment were due to an ingrained physical condition instead of life experiences. Hartman's hope was that Ruthie would realize that most of what had happened to her was not her fault and that with the right knowledge she could avoid getting into situations where she could get hurt in the future. However, there was no guarantee that she would handle hearing the diagnosis the way Hartman was hoping. The counselor was convinced that, whatever the risks, she had no right to withhold information from a patient. If she did, Ruthie would continue to have the same problems and her collection of bad experiences and unhappy memories would only increase. To have any hope of coming to terms with her life, she needed to be aware of herself to avoid repeating mistakes and move ahead. Anyhow, a large part of Hartman's job consisted of getting her clients to understand themselves better, to look at them from an outside perspective and say: "here is what I think is going on, and this gives you an explanation that you can work with to make changes in your life." ---------- Hartman set aside a two-hour block of appointment time during the middle of finals week. There would be a lot of end-of-the-semester issues to discuss, including how she was going to occupy herself over the summer, the relationship with Mike, the ongoing problems of her parents, her horrendous financial problems, and the struggle with her sexuality. That girl's plate is full...I really wonder if I'm doing the right thing, thought Hartman to herself. Ruthie already was not in a good mood. Her mother's situation upset her tremendously, partly for purely selfish reasons. With her mother gone, she'd have to rely on Mike for a place to live, because her only other alternative was to go to Nebraska. "It's funny...how life sucks, with all its ironies. I wanted to go back to Lincoln for five years. Go back there...and now that I really should be going back there, it's the last place in the world I'd want to go." Hartman leaned back in her chair. "You've changed. As you'd put it, you've evolved, you're an organism that adapted to a new environment. Your original environment no longer suits you. And maybe it never did." "I 'spose that's true, Dr. Hartman. But I'm not adapted to this one either, 'cause if I was, I'd be a lot happier." Hartman took the cue; that was the opening she needed to give her client the diagnosis about her situation. Ruthie was staring at the floor in front of her feet, but she lifted up her eyes to look at her counselor. It was apparent that Hartman was planning to tell her something important. "Ruthie...we've been talking for almost eight months now. You've told me a lot about yourself, and about many of things that have happened to you. There's a lot that you don't 'get' about why your life has been the way it has been. As you put it, your life has always 'sucked', and your life still 'sucks', although maybe now it 'sucks' a little bit less because of Mike. The point is to figure out how to make it so your life won't 'suck' in the future. That's what we need to focus on." When Ruthie did not respond, Hartman continued: "There's something about yourself that you need to understand. It's probably going to be hard hearing what I have to say, but it's something you'll need to know to better comprehend yourself and move forward." "What's that?" "I don't know for sure, because for an official diagnosis you'd have to be formally tested, but from everything I have observed about you and what I know from my training and education, I believe you have a condition that we call 'non-verbal communication disorder'. Have you ever heard that term?" "No." "There are several technical names for your situation, but we'll go with 'non-verbal communication disorder'. The short explanation is that your brain is not wired like an average person's brain, because the only way you can learn things is through rote-memory. Social interaction is more of a challenge because the nuances of non-verbal communication and body language are not something you are capable of picking up. It's difficult for you to understand anything unless someone actually tells it to you or you read it. I suspect that's the reason you spent a lot more time with books than with people when you were in high school. It is sort of a learning disability, but not one that affects you in the classroom, which is why it often goes undiagnosed. Usually people in your situation do just fine in their studies, because our educational system relies on rote-memorization and that portion of your brain is the most developed. The challenge is dealing with real life." Ruthie stared at the floor. Tears started flowing down her cheeks. "So this...non-verbal communication shit...it's 'cause my brain's all fucked up? There's nothing I can do about it?" "Ruthie, your brain is not fucked up. It just works differently and processes information differently than most other people. It means that you have to work harder at certain things in your life, but everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. The important thing for you is to be aware of your situation...understand why you might have missed non-verbal cues in the past...learn...and apply what you learn from each experience for the next time. If you had been diagnosed earlier, with counseling you could have developed better coping strategies, and that might have given you an easier time in school. But you do have to look at the bright side. You're just 19, not even done with your first year in college. You are more aware of yourself than you were a few months ago, you've got the rest of your life to learn from your experiences and work on coping strategies. Just that, just knowing yourself, is a pretty good start." "I don't see why it would be. The only thing I've found out today is why I'm a fucking freak. I always knew I was a freak...I just didn't know why. Now I do. My brain's fucked up." Hartman's heart sank. No, her client was not taking the news well. She spent the rest of the counseling session trying to convince Ruthie that she was not a freak and that her condition was not rare at all. By the end of the appointment, Ruthie understood that she never "fit in" not just because of her screwed-up parents, but also because of a condition that had a name, was identified by science, and was diagnosable. Unfortunately, the only "cure" was learning about coping strategies. In other words, lots of hard work just to live a normal life. Well, that sure sucked. Ruthie left the counselor's office with a hand full of articles about the deformity in her brain that had totally messed up her existence and made her into the miserable person she was. She could tell that her counselor was extremely worried, but at that moment Ruthie didn't care. She left without saying goodbye or making any arrangements for their next session. It all made sense...starting with Shannon and going back...through all those rejections in high school...middle school...now it made sense. Everyone hated me because I'm such a fucking freak...and I bet it wouldn't have been any better if I'd stayed in Nebraska...'cause I would've been just as big a freak there too... Now she was convinced more than ever that she did not belong in the world. The sooner she smashed or blew apart her defective brain, the better. She thought about that path to the ocean...the one that led to the cliff she always had in the back of her mind as her jumping-off point into the void. She needed to get out there and get her jump taken care of. Today was the day. It was totally stupid that she didn't take care of it back in October. Oh well, better late than never... ---------- She returned to Mike's room. She knew that he was out, taking a final. Anyhow, she was so upset by what Hartman had told her that she wasn't thinking about him. She was about to go back out and kill herself; smash her freakish brain on those rocks. And yet, out of pure habit, she logged onto her computer, for what would be the very last time in her life. Why? Maybe she ought to find out more about this "non-verbal communication disorder" bullshit that was messing up her life... Find out about non-verbal communication disorder? What for? Why find out about that shit? Now I know why my life's always gonna suck. Yeah...and when I go for a job interview? What's gonna happen when I show up with non-verbal communication disorder? Like I'll ever get a decent job with my fucked up brain and not even being able to look at people or talk normally? I don't wanna spend the rest of my life serving fucking coffee. Now I really have had it. I'm done. It's over... She took a deep breath. She was about to log off...shut down...for the very last time. Her conscience pulled at her. She couldn't just go down to the cliff without leaving some sort of explanation for Mike, or else he'd think it was because of something he did wrong. Ruthie logged back on with the intention of going to one of the suicide websites that she had bookmarked. She remembered the webmaster had posted drafts of suicide messages...she'd find the right draft for her situation, type in her information, print it up, leave it on Mike's bed, and then head out. She got into the website and looked through several drafts of suicide notes. She had expected to quickly find one that suited her situation, but unfortunately none of them seemed to really say what she wanted to express. Fuck...that would mean she'd have to write her own, which would take time, and she had wanted to be out of the room before Mike got back. Sighing with frustration, Ruthie started typing. She started out by telling Mike how much she loved him...but then thought: no, that needs to go at the end. I need to start out with telling him about my fucked-up brain and this non-verbal communication shit that I've got. She tried to explain, but didn't think her sentences made any sense. Fuck! Fuck-fuck-fuck! That means I've gotta go into one of those websites Hartman gave me and get a definition...I'll just cut and paste. Finding a decent explanation took up more of the afternoon. Finally she found a good couple of paragraphs. She copied them and pasted them over what she had already written. She cussed yet again, because two hours had gone by and she still was just starting her suicide letter. She typed a couple of sentences about her conversations with Dr. Hartman, but then deleted them and started over with some words on how she was useless because she was so "fucked up". She didn't like that either, so she deleted yet again. I ought to be fucking dead by now...and here I am still writing this stupid note... When Mike got back to the room, Ruthie was no closer to finishing her final letter than she had been when she logged on to her computer. She jumped as he opened the door, agitated and totally irritated. She had expected to be peacefully floating in the ocean, but no...here she was... in her boyfriend's room and still very much alive. Mike had come back in a good mood, because he had just finished his last final, which meant that he had successfully completed his sophomore year in college. However, Ruthie was acting very strangely, much more so that usual. She was fidgeting and seemed very angry, but he couldn't tell if she was mad at him, at herself, or at life in general. One unusual detail was that she was fully dressed, as though she was ready to go out. He glanced at the note on her computer screen. She immediately blocked his view of the monitor with her body and forced a hard shut-off of her computer. Clearly whatever she had been working on was not something she wanted him to know about. "Ruthie, what's going on? What are you doing?" She hugged him, but then pulled away. "I...I...you know...like...I...uh...can we...go out?" "I guess..." Ruthie said nothing more. OK, Mike thought to himself, go out. Go out where? After an uncomfortable silence, he suggested nearby Bonnie Doon beach. She nodded and changed into a pair of shorts and over-sized t-shirt. Mike changed as well. After they drove out of the university and turned onto the coastal highway, they passed right over the path that led from campus past some fields and ultimately to a high cliff where the waves crashed far below. Ruthie's emotions were in turmoil, because once again circumstances had thwarted her final journey down that path. She was angry at herself for having failed to carry out her plan to escape from her awful life, but she also was relieved. Ultimately she would have to kill herself, but meanwhile at least she could enjoy the beach a couple more times. A few minutes later they were safely in the clothing optional part of the secluded beach. They stripped off their clothes and waded into the cold turbulent water. As they felt the waves against their legs they could appreciate the chance to forget about the uncomfortable moment in Mike's dorm room and the uncertain summer that lay ahead. ---------- Later that night Ruthie returned to her own room. Jen and her boyfriend were packing up her stuff in anticipation of her return trip to her home in Aukland. It was clear the boyfriend was totally depressed, and equally clear that Jen could barely contain her joy of finally getting to go home. Secretly Ruthie was every bit as depressed as Jen's boyfriend, because yet another of her sexual fantasies was destined to go unfulfilled. How many times had she studied Jen's body, thinking about touching her and being touched...but it was all illusion, no different from the illusion she had years before when she sat in class admiring Mrs. Peters. Just like the imaginary Mrs. Peters, the Jen of Ruthie's imagination, the one who responded to her sexual desires, existed only in her fantasies. Ruthie reflected that in one way all that time with Dr. Hartman had helped her, by allowing her to understand her habit of projecting her sexual fantasies onto other people. As painful as that truth was, at least with Jen it prevented Ruthie from doing or saying anything that would make her look stupid or offend her roommate. She accepted the reality that the Jen who existed in her fantasies was not the Jen standing in front of her. Jen would be leaving the next day, without any unpleasant rejection that would have soured Ruthie's memories of her. Jen and her boyfriend said goodnight to Ruthie and went out, presumably to have one last night of "snogging" before Jen had to go to the airport. Ruthie was just about to strip and get ready for bed when she remembered... Shit! All those printouts about her fucked up brain were still in Mike's room! She had to go back and get them! Like she needed him knowing about that non-verbal communication disorder bullshit! She ran down five flights of stairs and winded herself rushing over to Mike's dorm. She did not see any irony that the only reason she was still alive was because she had wanted to write a suicide note explaining something to Mike, that she now was desperate to keep a secret. She entered the building, then cussed at herself because she forgot her cell phone and couldn't call him. Fortunately the night clerk knew who she was and buzzed the door for her. She ran to Mike's door and knocked, terrified that it was too late and that he already had seen the articles. Mike opened to let her in. He was on his cell-phone, clearly very upset. Ruthie glanced at the papers lying next to her computer. The articles were right where she had left them. She breathed a sigh of relief and collected them with some other papers, trying to act as though she was just straightening her desk. Then she paid closer attention to what was going on with her boyfriend. Ruthie correctly figured that he was talking to his sister and that she was updating him with yet another piece of bad news about their parents. Sure enough, that was exactly what was happening. From listening to Mike's portion of the conversation Ruthie realized that the Sinclairs had separated and that Mike's mother had left California. Colleen related that their father had sunk into a deep depression and had become impossible to deal with. As much as both his wife and his daughter had urged him to get counseling, he had refused. He became totally morose and all he wanted to talk about were topics related to death and oblivion. Finally Mrs. Sinclair couldn't stand him any longer and gave him an ultimatum: either he see a counselor or she would go to her parents' house in Arizona. The deadline she set came and went. There was no indication Mr. Sinclair wanted to do anything apart from spending his free time sitting in the living room listening to Kansas songs on an old cassette recorder. So...she left. Ruthie could tell that Colleen and Mike disagreed whether or not their mother was justified in abandoning her husband during his moment of crisis. Mike was furious, but Colleen defended her. "Dad's getting more and more messed up. He won't listen to anyone: it's kinda like he's off in his own world. I can't deal with him, and Mom shouldn't have to deal with that shit either." "What if I talked to him?" "OK...talk to him. And say what?" "I don't know. I'd think of something..." "Oh really? Something? God knows, I tried with every 'something' I could think of, but every time I try to cheer him up, all he does is get more pissed and depressed. He keeps saying stuff like: 'most people live too long. Life passes them by, and they don't know when to call it quits'. I know I shouldn't say this, but being around him is like 'the night of the living dead'. I can't deal with him any more. If you want to talk to him, you'd better think long and hard what you want to say. If you can get him out of his funk, then you're a better person than me." The Outsider Ch. 27 The conversation dragged on a few more minutes, but finally Colleen hung up. Mike set down his cell phone and looked at Ruthie as she sat quietly on the spare bed. She looked blankly ahead, her eyes not focused on anything in particular. He sat down next to her. He did not touch her or try to take her hand. He just joined her in blankly staring ahead and told her about the phone conversation. When she didn't respond, he decided to change the subject. "You know...today...when I got back...you were acting really weird...like you were freaked out about something." "I had a good reason to be freaked out." "And that reason was...?" "My counselor, you know, Dr. Hartman...she...uh...kinda told me something. I mean...they always say it's best if you know everything about yourself...and I'm wondering now if that's really true. Maybe you're not supposed to know. Anyhow, she told me...she kinda..." Ruthie stopped, totally regretting what she had just said. However, it was too late to take it back. She didn't know how to continue. Finally she grabbed the stack of articles she had wanted to hide only minutes before and shoved them in Mike's face. He took the papers and skimmed through them. Ruthie fidgeted and finally interrupted his reading: "Sucks knowing this, doesn't it?" Mike shrugged his shoulders: "Doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything. Now you know a couple of new psychology words, but what difference does it make?" "I dunno. It doesn't bother you that Hartman's saying that I'm a fucking mental freak?" "No. And I don't think that's what she's saying. It says right here..." he pointed at one of the paragraphs "...that it's fairly common. And just looking at all these articles; they don't even have it pinned down. I mean...here it gives a different name: 'Asperger's syndrome'. This article's saying non-verbal communication disorder is the same as 'Asperger's syndrome' and over here it's saying it is not. Typical science...these writers don't know themselves what they're talking about." Ruthie didn't respond, so Mike continued: And even if you are fucked up, so what? Who isn't fucked up? Me? Your roommates? Your cousins? Our parents? The potheads downtown? The drunks running around campus? Your church? My church? Who isn't fucked up in some way or another? You're a lot less fucked up than most people I know." Ruthie hugged Mike. For a long time the couple sat on the bed, with Ruthie in Mike's arms. Mike's words did calm her down a bit, but she knew that there was so much that she had not told him. The urge to smash her defective brain on the rocks and then float away in the ocean had retreated for a moment, but she knew it would return. ---------- Ruthie stayed the night with Mike. She knew that Jen would be leaving first thing the next day, but decided not to depress herself by saying goodbye. Later in the morning she would return to her room and only her stuff would remain; that Jen would have already left and that would be the end of her. Ruthie could not have explained herself why she did not want to say goodbye to Jen, but she didn't. Better to spend the night with the one person who did care about her than to worry about someone who didn't, and would be out of her life within a few hours anyway. Her mood had improved enough that she approached her boyfriend about making love. She rubbed lubricant into her vagina and on Mike's penis and massaged him until he was hard. Then she laid back and waited for him to finish. ---------- Ruthie was one of the last of the students to vacate her dorm. During the final two days she was in her room, she was the only student remaining on her floor. She reveled in having not only a room, but an entire floor to herself. Of course, she took advantage of her solitude by being totally naked anytime she was on the fifth floor. On her very last afternoon in the building, she went out on the roof and relaxed in the warm May sunshine. Ruthie had a serious issue hanging over her once the semester ended: where she was going to live. Salinas no longer was an option. There was no way she could afford to live anywhere in the Santa Cruz area by herself and with that fucking non-verbal communication disorder bullshit messing up her brain, her chance of finding a compatible roommate was zero. She realized that, unless she relented and went to Nebraska, she faced the prospect of being homeless. Ruthie was still on the roof of her dorm, lying on a towel and doing stretching exercises, when Mike came up looking for her. He had a big surprise for her: announcing that he was about to sign a lease for an apartment and asking her if she wanted to have a look at it. Ruthie was stunned. An apartment? At first her instincts told her to not go with Mike, because she really did not want to live with him. However, she knew that she had no other choice if she wanted to stay in California. She resented being forced to rely on him, but at least the problem of where she was going to live over the next year was resolved. She nodded, picked up her towel, and went to her room to put on her favorite skimpy dress. Ruthie wasn't sure what to expect from Mike's choice of apartments, but what she saw convinced her that he did understand her needs to some extent. The unit had two bedrooms, one of which would be for her. All of the windows faced away from the complex and overlooked a hill running down to the highway, which meant that no one could see in from any of the other units. The place had more privacy than most houses. Best of all, there was a balcony that was concealed by opaque panels, a place where she could sit out wearing nothing looking at the ocean, and even sunbathe during the afternoon. It was as close to a perfect place as Mike could have gotten. Ruthie wondered if Mike expected her to split the rent, but he mentioned nothing about that. Nor did he ask her to put her name on the lease. It was very strange, what was going on, especially given the conversation he had with his sister just a few days before. Very strange indeed. Ruthie pushed aside her doubts and accepted Mike's offer. He was giving her a real refuge, a place where she could be herself and enjoy her body, a place that she could never hope to have without him. Yes, it came with a commitment to a relationship she really did not want, but what alternative did she have? Go to Culiacan and look at her dying grandfather? Go to Lincoln and have to look after Debra's kid? So that was it: she had just committed herself to living with her boyfriend. ---------- For the next couple of days, Mike took charge of setting up the new life he wanted to have with Ruthie. He rented a van and took stuff out of her dorm to the new apartment, then asked her to go with him to pick up some furniture from his father's house. When they got to the house, Ruthie was surprised how much the property had deteriorated since the last time she had seen it. Mike seemed not to notice or care. His goal was to take all the furniture out of his own bedroom and a couple of items from Colleen's room that she didn't want. He also grabbed a sofa and a coffee table from the living room. Ruthie was surprised by Mike's brazen raiding of his parents' house for furniture, but he explained that whatever was not off the property when the bank foreclosed would either be seized and auctioned, or simply would be tossed onto the sidewalk. Mike raided the kitchen for silverware and utensils. He then went into the garage to look for tools, only to find that his father already had sold off the tools. Ruthie looked around the desolate house, wondering about some of the nicer furniture that was missing. Mike explained that Colleen had some of it in storage, and the rest had been sold at a garage sale. Ruthie was immensely depressed by what she was seeing. The house was rotting away, the family's belongings were scattered, and its members were going their separate ways. She understood that Mike had the best intentions with his father, but she also knew that having a couple of conversations with him was not going to change what was about to happen. It was blatantly obvious that Mr. Sinclair had lost the will to live and that the state of his house matched the state of the man's mind. He had become morose and self-destructive. Already his marriage was gone and his kids were becoming estranged from him. Ruthie suspected that was exactly what Mr. Sinclair wanted, to chase everyone out of his life before oblivion overtook him. As for Colleen, Ruthie suspected that Mike's sister simply was biding her time and wanted nothing more than to get away from her relatives. ---------- Mike had the van full of what he wanted by the time his father got home. When she saw him, Ruthie was shocked by how bad Mr. Sinclair looked. Mike described what he was taking and the older man indifferently shrugged his shoulders. Mike invited his father out to eat. Mr. Sinclair again shrugged his shoulders and handed his car keys to his son. Mike had wanted to talk to Mr. Sinclair about...well, about what? Suddenly he realized why Colleen had become impatient with him, because it seemed that there was nothing the older man wanted to talk about. It was Ruthie who stepped in and managed to engage Mike's father in conversation. She got him to talk about the group Kansas and why over all the years the music had fascinated him so much. He responded that, even in the 1980's, during a time the impending decline of the US was not so evident, he had a premonition that life was going to get much worse. He ordered a whiskey, and then another. The drinks shut down his train of thought and he became quiet. Finally they took him back home and helped him into the master bedroom. Mike, not sure what else to do, took his father's car back out and filled it with gas. Neither Mike nor Ruthie had much to say as they returned to Davenport. Ruthie quietly stared out the passenger window into the darkness. She dreaded the hours of lugging heavy furniture that awaited them as soon as they got back, but more than anything else she was thinking about how much life sucked. Her thoughts drifted to her impoverished mother, now exiled to a small cinderblock house in a crappy neighborhood in Culiacan. Without looking at her companion, she commented: "Our lives are so fucked up. And you know what really sucks when your life is fucked up?" "What's that?" "You keep thinking...my life's fucked up, but at least it can't get any worse. And that's bullshit, because it always can get worse, and it does. And then you think to yourself. OK, it did get worse, but now that's it. Surely this is as bad as it'll get. But it's not. It never is. It never ends." "Not 'till you die, at any rate." "That's right, Mike. Not 'till you die. That's when things quit getting worse, when you're dead. Your dad's right about that." The Outsider Ch. 28 Chapter 28 -- San Francisco A Ruthie and Mike settled into their routine as a couple over the next week. They spent two days setting up and repositioning furniture until the place was the way they wanted it. Anyone observing them might have found it amusing to see that they worked wearing nothing but shoes to protect their feet, but already Ruthie had declared the apartment a "clothes-free zone." The student center coffee shop was closed for a couple of weeks, which meant that Ruthie was temporarily out of work. She would start up again during the summer semester. She was not planning on taking summer classes and would try to save as much as possible for the fall. She would be modeling as well, because the art instructor she had worked for in the spring had taken a liking to her and promised to get her as much work in the art department as possible. She already had two assignments lined up for modeling: one with a community college special "art appreciation day" exhibition and the other posing for a photographer from the department. Ruthie had a falling-out with her father when she told him that she was living with her boyfriend because she wanted to stay in California. Jake Burns was very displeased that his daughter had spurned his plans for her to study in Lincoln and help him take care of Jake Jr. When Ruthie asked him if he could just send her the money that he would have used to pay for community college classes in Lincoln, he snapped: "That money's for you to get your ass here, not for you to shack-up with some liberal pot-head hippy on the 'Left Coast'. When you come to your senses, call me." And with that, Jake hung up. Ruthie's conversations with her mother were no better. Dona Lisette was not pleased at all to learn that she had moved in with Mike without first getting married. Ruthie tried to explain that she had no other alternative. The response was a lecture telling her that because she chose to forsake God, God had forsaken her and that was why she needed to live in sin. Ruthie replied: "Well, you never gave up on God, and he sure didn't do much for you, did he?" Ruthie waited for a response, but then realized her mother had hung up on her. She didn't try to call back. ---------- At the end of their first week living away from the university, Mike had a suggestion for something he knew Ruthie very much would enjoy doing. He showed her a website that featured an annual foot race that crossed the entire city of San Francisco. It was a huge event in which thousands of runners participated, but it seemed that the majority of the people were not serious about racing. Instead the event was more like a mobile Mardi Gras celebration, with many of the runners wearing strange costumes, and some runners wearing no costumes at all. Yes indeed, the race was clothing optional and each year a couple of hundred participants ran or walked the entire course completely naked. At first Ruthie thought Mike was joking, but he showed her several pictures of naked runners to convince her that he was not joking at all. A lot of the naked participants were from a nudist group and wore yellow caps, but being part of the official nude group was not necessary. "So what do you think? Is this something you'd like to do?" "I'd love it! You're serious? We're going?" "We're going. Put aside any modesty you might have left, 'cause all of San Francisco is gonna get to see us." Ruthie hugged him. She then checked her camera to make sure she had spare batteries and plenty of space on her picture card. ---------- They left Davenport at 3:00 in the morning on the day of the race. Ruthie, as was usual for her whenever she drove with her boyfriend in the middle of the night, did not bother to get dressed and instead folded a dress and carried in her hand. Until it got light outside, she planned to ride naked in Mike's car and would slip the dress over her head at sunrise. In the darkness she skipped naked across the deserted parking lot. Mike was wearing nothing more than shorts and a loose t-shirt, items he could take off as soon as they were near the starting point of the race. Mike knew that he had to plan ahead, because parking would be unavailable anywhere close to downtown San Francisco on a day in which 500,000 spectators and race participants would be crowding the streets along the eight-mile route. So, unfortunately, they had to park well outside the downtown area and take a bus into the city. When the sun came up and Ruthie put on her dress, her heart pounded at the thought that the next time she took it off it would be in downtown San Francisco in front of thousands of other people. She could hardly wait. As they rode towards downtown, their bus filled up with other race participants, some of whom where dressed in typical running clothes and some of whom were dressed in costumes. Finally, after more stops than Ruthie wanted to count, the bus driver announced that he was at the stop closest to the starting point and that everyone going to the race should get off. Mike and Ruthie merged with thousands of other people working their way to the beginning of the route. They eagerly looked around, because they had agreed that the moment they saw another naked race participant they would immediately get undressed. Ruthie spotted a couple of middle-aged men that were naked and wearing yellow caps. "Over there! Look!" "OK, our first fellow nudists. Hand over your dress, naughty girl." Ruthie pulled her dress over her head and passed it to her boyfriend. She heard a couple of whistles from guys who were watching. Mike momentarily took off his backpack so he could get undressed as well. He stuffed in his clothing, along with Ruthie's, closed the zipper, and slung the backpack over his shoulder. Ruthie was totally excited. She loved the feel of the sunshine and breeze on her bare skin. She loved being watched by so many people. She loved being reminded of her exposure when other people in the crowd brushed up against her naked body with their rough clothing and backpacks. Several bystanders wanted to take pictures of themselves posing with her, to which she obliged. Being naked in a crowded city is an exhibitionist's dream and Ruthie was living that dream. The next several hours were some of the best of Ruthie's life. Because they were walking the course instead of running, the couple had to wait a long time before they could start moving. The waiting didn't bother Ruthie, because the longer the wait, the more time she and Mike would get to stay naked before arriving at the finish gate and having to get dressed. When they were not posing for pictures, Mike talked to Ruthie about his other nude marathon experience, the Tri-Alpha 10-K run he had participated in two years before. He compared the two experiences and told Ruthie that the San Francisco run was better for him because it was more relaxed and he was not being forced into it. He squeezed her hand and added: "The best part is that I'm doing this run with you. That's what really makes it better." Ruthie and Mike had been nude for over an hour before they even stated moving. They walked along the streets at a casual pace: enjoying a once-in-a-year opportunity to stroll through an entire city in the nude. It was a pleasant day and the temperature was perfect for walking. They passed through various neighborhoods, past stores and shops, row-houses and apartments. Every time they came up on something that was even somewhat interesting, Ruthie asked Mike to get a picture, or asked a passerby to take a picture of them together. Because she was one of the youngest and most attractive nude women participating in the race, she received plenty of attention from other photographers as well. She knew that pictures of her would be all over the Internet within a few days, but that suited her just fine. She wanted to be exposed, to have the whole world look at her. Yes indeed, Ruthie was having her day. Mike was enjoying the walk, but not anywhere as much as Ruthie. She was totally thrilled. As he watch his girlfriend revel in being nude in public, Mike's feelings towards her behavior became more mixed. He was glad to see his girlfriend enjoying herself so much, but less thrilled to see her being the center of so much attention. There was not single request for a pose, no matter how shameless, that she refused to do. About halfway through the race Ruthie posed for a bunch of pictures with a couple of lesbians that were dressed in leather. After several pictures, all three of the women got carried away. One of Ruthie's companions groped her and her partner gave the girl several hard smacks on the butt with a riding crop. Ruthie cheerfully held on to a light-post and bent over for the swats. She did absolutely nothing to discourage the woman who was groping her. Mike was not pleased by the fact his girlfriend did not object to her treatment by those two lesbians. He knew that she never would have allowed any guys to grope her, and yet was not bothered in the least when women were doing it. For the rest of the course Ruthie walked with several reddish marks on her bare bottom on full display to thousands of spectators while Mike wondered what the hell was going on. More than three hours after starting, Mike and Ruthie approached the finish line in the midst of hundreds of other walkers. They had not exerted themselves, but they had walked over eight miles and were tired. Mike didn't even want to imagine what it would be like to go up and down all those hills running. The 10 kilometer-race on the flat campus in Chicago was as much as he would ever want to do. Ruthie was tired, but still totally thrilled by her naked experience. She did not want it to end. Mike decided that there would be no harm in walking to a nearby nude beach and lying out for a while before getting on the bus and heading back to his car. They would try to remain naked as they went down to the shore, since the worst thing that could happen would be that a city cop might stop them and ask them to get dressed. It turned out that no cops were around to interfere with their walk to the beach. They descended to the water and looked up at the nearby Golden Gate Bridge. Ruthie relaxed in the sand, happy and grateful to the boyfriend who had allowed her to have such a great experience. At that moment she did feel that she loved him. She cuddled up against him, letting him set aside his concern over her strange encounter with that lesbian couple. ---------- They spent only an hour at the beach, because they were hungry, had to go to the bathroom, and had to get back to Mike's car. They hopped on a bus, but Mike suggested they visit the Castro district before leaving San Francisco. Mike took his girlfriend through the sex shops, curious to see if there was anything she'd be interested in. They had lunch and walked around very scantily clad: Mike wearing only his shorts and the backpack, and Ruthie in her favorite skimpy dress. Ruthie was not very interested in any of the leather or latex clothing, because she much preferred to be naked than to wear something as uncomfortable as hot leather. There was one big exception. She tried on a black leather mini-dress that had a large hole in the back, leaving the wearer's bottom completely exposed. Ruthie did like that dress but, because she really had no where to wear it, turned it down when Mike offered to buy it for her. She was much more interested in the selection of punishment implements offered by several stores. She spent a very long time looking at leather paddles, crops, straps, and floggers. She also liked the leather cuffs and collars, but had no desire to be restrained or wear a collar around Mike. The only item they ended up buying that day was a small leather paddle. Mike warned her: "If I buy this, you do know that I'll have to use it on you." Ruthie blushed, but responded: "With as much shit as I give you, I'm sure I deserve it." She gave his bare chest a hard pinch to taunt him. ---------- It was dark when they got back to Mike's car. Even though there were a few other people within sight, Ruthie pulled her dress over her head before getting into the car and tossed it in the back seat. She was very casual about it, acting as though she was tossing a jacket instead of the only piece of clothing she was wearing. Fortunately she was safely in her seat and had pulled her door shut before anyone in the parking lot noticed. She truly enjoyed the trip back to Davenport. It was great to ride naked, even though she had been doing it for nearly a year. However, she also enjoyed the anticipation from what awaited her once they got back in Mike's apartment. She had always wondered what it would feel like to be spanked with a leather paddle. Well, finally she had, in her possession, a leather paddle. Just as importantly, she had someone to spank her with it. Both her bottom and her vulva tingled with excitement. Had there been anyone in the parking lot of Mike's apartment complex, Ruthie would have had to get dressed before getting out of Mike's car. Fortunately there wasn't, so she grabbed the bag with the paddle and her dress. Just like her nights in the library, she considered that the day would not be "complete" if she had to put on her clothes, even if it was just for a few seconds. She ran towards Mike's apartment. He slammed his door shut and ran after her. She was waiting at his door to be let in when he caught up with her. The moment they both were inside he took off his own clothes. Yes, Ruthie was due for a spanking. She had been naughty all day, and of course naughty girls have to have their bare bottoms firmly smacked. Mike knew her well enough to understand what she wanted and how he needed to proceed. The only thing he said was that she needed to put her hands on the bed and to think about what was going to happen. He didn't say anything about her naughty behavior. There would be no play acting and no bad-girl lecture because he knew that, for whatever reason, she did not want to hear his voice during her punishment. She would be in her own world as soon as the leather made contact with her skin, and he needed to leave her alone with her thoughts. Ruthie looked over her shoulder while he picked up the bag and unwrapped the paddle. He deliberately took his time to heighten her anticipation. He positioned himself and for a moment studied the attractive naked girl bent over in front of him. It was a sight that would have excited any man...yes here she was...her lovely figure bent over, her bare bottom waiting for a nice sexy spanking. He caressed her backside with the leather. He noticed that her skin had goose-bumps and that she was trembling. Yes she really wanted this... He tapped her on the right side to let her know where the first swat was going to land. He struck her firmly. She flinched and took a deep breath, but kept her hands on the bed. For a moment he massaged her bottom as he watched a pink rectangle form where she had taken the first swat. He tapped her between her thighs to get her to spread her feet a bit more. Then he tapped her left bottom-cheek to let her know where the second swat was going to land. He spanked her very slowly, rubbing her bottom with either the paddle or his free hand after each swat. She closed her eyes...yes, she very much was enjoying this spanking. The leather was perfect; exactly what she wanted. She loved the warm stinging that was evenly spread on her bottom. It was different, and a lot more satisfying, than the bruising swats she got from the bath-brush and infinitely better than Mike's hand. Yes...this was what she had wanted. Mike continued landing swats and massaging Ruthie's reddening bottom for a long time. She was very wet and very aroused. He didn't need to put his fingers between her legs: he could smell her excitement. When he finished her bottom was dark pink; with the color evenly spread on her lovely bottom. There were no bruises or blisters, just a solid red that was very sexy and very warm to the touch. He rubbed his hands over her bottom and feasted his eyes on the lovely sight. He was so hard...and he wanted her so badly. This time she was ready. She got onto the bed on her hands and knees. Mike gently massaged her wet vulva with his fingertips as she moaned from pleasure. He entered her and thrust vigorously. He tried to hold back and enjoy this orgasm as long as he could...it was so good this time...but finally his penis started pumping...he continued thrusting...oh yes...one of his best orgasms ever... ---------- A few minutes later Mike had fallen asleep on his bed. Normally he liked to get cleaned up after sex, but he had endured a long day: getting up so early, then driving, then all that walking, then another long drive, and finally a round of good sex...he was spent. Ruthie looked at him, very glad that he was asleep and that she now had the apartment to herself. She filled the bathtub with hot water. Then she studied her figure in the full-length mirror in the bedroom. She totally loved the reddish color on her bottom, which was still very much visible. She stood for several minutes rubbing herself and masturbating. She climaxed, then got in the tub and masturbated some more. It took her a long time, but finally she managed to tease out of herself a second orgasm. Then she was satisfied, content to relax in the hot water. As good as the spanking had been for her, and as much as it aroused her, the round of sex she had with Mike did not add to her pleasure. Once again, she tolerated him entering her, just because he had given her so much that day. However, her sexual pleasure really came after he fell asleep. She had to give herself what he was not able to give her. This sucks, thought Ruthie to herself. I really wish things could be different with him...this shit with the sex really, really sucks... The water had started to get cold by the time she got out of the tub. Finally, exhaustion pushed aside her doubts and she went to bed. ---------- It was not until the second week she had moved in with Mike that Ruthie really had a chance to think about her situation. While he was at work she sat down on the back porch with some fruit and herbal tea, looking out at the ocean and enjoying the sunshine on her bare skin. It was lovely to be able to spend an afternoon just relaxing and enjoying her body, but doubts lingered in her mind. She remained very nervous about giving up the remnants of her independence by moving in with her boyfriend, even if it was by far the least onerous of her options. She did not want to go to Nebraska, and certainly she had no desire to go to Mexico. There was only one other option she could consider: follow Rosa's example and try to join the military. It was true that the military would give her financial independence, but she would lose her freedom in every other way. Besides, how on earth could she fit into such a conformist environment with her messed up brain? No, the only option that suited her personality was to continue what she was doing: going to college, living with Mike, and modeling for art students. She longed for the day she could model full-time and quit serving coffee, but she knew that hope was unrealistic. ---------- As Mike drove about campus collecting money from the meters and ticketing cars that were not paid up, he had a chance to reflect on the beginning of his third summer since graduating high school. Strange to think: how different all three summers had been. The summer after he graduated had been the one where he felt most confident about his future: Lisa still was very much in love with him and he was not yet aware of the seriousness of his father's financial decline. He would blissfully head off to Chicago, unaware of the heartbreak and disappointment that awaited him there. The Outsider Ch. 28 The second summer he spent alone, taking classes and writing parking tickets. That summer was as bleak and hopeless in Mike's imagination as its predecessor was full of hope. It was the absolute opposite of the previous year. And yet, the despair he had felt was no more warranted than the hope he had felt only a year before. Within a few months his friendship and love for Ruthie would salvage his spirit, just as the end of his romance with Lisa had broken his spirit the previous year. Now Mike was starting a third summer. What lay ahead? He had no way of knowing, but his life was destined to be very different from what he could have envisioned from the perspective of either of the other two summers. He knew that his time with Ruthie had changed him every bit as much as he had managed to change her. She would always be a strange and difficult partner, but Mike already had spent so much time with her that he could not imagine what life would be like without her. Yes, she was the woman of his present and his future. Mike was convinced that he knew Ruthie precisely because he loved her so much. She was content to leave him with that illusion, because she did want to maintain her relationship with him. She tried her best to convince him that she loved him as well and did what she could to make his daily life pleasant. She was frustrated, however, because there was so much that Mike did not understand about her. It was not because she was trying to hide anything: it was just that he only saw what he wanted to see. Ruthie's problems in bed and the spanking incident in San Francisco should have given him important clues about what really was going on, but he remained oblivious. ---------- Throughout June Mike and Ruthie visited Mr. Sinclair and had dinner with him at least once each week. Mike was determined that, no matter what Colleen had said, eventually he would figure out how to get his father out of his depressed mood. He was convinced that talking would bring his father to his senses and that after listening to Ruthie's constant complaints and morbid speculations, dealing with him would be a snap in comparison. Ruthie always went along when Mike visited his father. Partly she went because she had nothing better to do, partly to support her boyfriend, and partly because she actually liked Mr. Sinclair. Mike's father enjoyed her company because the two were able to relate to each other. They talked a lot about their fears for the future of the US in general and central California in particular. They fed on each other's pessimism; both of them pleased to have found a compatible conversation companion. However, each time Ruthie talked to Mike's father, she felt very strongly that she was talking to a man who was very close to death. In many ways he reminded her of her grandmother during the final weeks that she was dying but still lucid. In other ways Ruthie saw a lot of herself in Mr. Sinclair: a person who hated his reality and wanted nothing more than to escape. He was forced to live in a world that no longer needed him or wanted him, so his existence had no point. He repeated the line that had so offended his wife and daughter, that most people live too long and "don't know when to call it quits". Ruthie clearly understood what he meant: that he planned to commit suicide. She knew that Mike hoped that getting his father to talk about what was on his mind and "get things off his chest" would be therapeutic. Indeed it was, but not in a way that could change Mr. Sinclair's life or alter his fate. Mike's problem was that he was too close to his father to really understand what was going on in the man's mind. As they drove back to Davenport, Ruthie tried to explain to her boyfriend how she saw his father's situation: that he had sunk into an irreversible depression because his life no longer had any purpose. She became nervous and couldn't express her thoughts coherently. Finally she tried using the analogy of animals going extinct as a result of environmental change. Mike snapped at her, deeply offended that she was comparing his father to extinct animals. She forced herself to apologize. However, inwardly she knew that she was right. You'll figure it out soon enough, Mike; thought Ruthie to herself, when your father is dead. Then you'll find out that I do know what I'm talking about. The Outsider Ch. 29 Chapter 29 -- June in Davenport Parking Officer # 036's life at work returned to normal as soon as the summer semester started. There were not quite as many students crowding the campus during the summer, but there were more visitors, which meant meter payments continued unabated. Mike kept himself very busy, trying to keep up with the pace of meter collections, replacing defective meters, doing the paperwork needed for repairs, and issuing tickets to chase the freeloaders away from his source of income. Once he moved off campus, Mike's illicit earnings became more important to him than ever, because there was no way he could have afforded his apartment on just his normal salary. Additionally, there were tuition, dentist bills, car maintenance, food, and trips with Ruthie. His lifestyle was not extravagant; to him his daily life seemed comparable to most of his classmates. However, very few of Mike's peers were able to live a "pay as you go" existence. Either they had to borrow, or they had to rely on their parents for spending money. Mike was one of the very few students who were able to pay for everything on their own, without going into debt. Mike continued to change as the weeks passed and he continued to steal his daily bucket of coins. It was ironic that he was working very hard and became good at his job precisely because he was stealing. He never missed a day of work; no matter how sick he was, because the last thing he wanted was for someone else to touch "his" meters. Sometimes he worried about his boss deciding that maybe he should have some help. However, the manager was such a cheapskate that he was content to leave Officer # 036 working his shift alone, given that he seemed to have everything under control and there were no problems. As much as he could, Mike stayed out of sight and never complained about anything. He was reserved around his co-workers, listening to gossip but never contributing anything to the rumor mill. Whenever he was with the other student employees, he was constantly on the lookout for signs that someone might suspect what he was doing. He was careful to monitor all radio traffic when making his rounds. As for the campus police, he viewed them as a threat. When he was around the campus cops he was nervous, but learned to hide it. He bought a pair of sunglasses to wear with his cap: having his eyes covered always helped him stay calm when around the cops. Apart from constantly being on the lookout for any sign that he might get in trouble, Mike changed in another way. He had decided that he would stay with the Parking Department as long as he could. He would not worry about a TA position, or internships, or scholarships, or anything else related to his major. To hell with political science. That was a fool's major, guaranteed to force him into a life of poverty. He would continue with his studies, but only to maintain his status in the university so he could hold onto his job and continue raiding the meters. Parking...that's where the money was, and where his future lay. Mike's experiences convinced him that the only way he could ever have wealth would be to take it from someone else. The days of a little honest hard work being sufficient to pay one's expenses had passed. He knew that because being honest had gotten his father nowhere. The US had become a zero-sum society that had "haves" and "have-nots". The "haves" were the people who learned how to exploit and extract money from the "have-nots". So...what was a good way to take money from other people? Parking. Having seen first-hand how lucrative parking was, he decided that he wanted a piece of that action. As Sam had said, it was "It's 'money for nothin' and your chicks for free.' You don't have to build anything, make anything, feed anyone, do nothing useful...just pave over some Mother Nature and start taking money." ---------- As abruptly as he had reappeared in Ruthie's life, Jake Burns vanished again. Ruthie did not hear from him after telling him that she wanted to stay in California. It was possible that she had offended him but, knowing him, it was much more likely that his current girlfriend was the culprit. She suspected that his newest girlfriend was making demands on his time and money that he had not anticipated when he made the offer for his daughter to study in Lincoln. She suspected that his interest in her already was waning when they had their last phone conversation. Ruthie had been badly hurt by her father six years before, so she did not trust him. She tried to figure out his "game" by discussing the situation with Dr. Hartman. The counselor heard her out; then made some observations that allowed Ruthie to assess Jake's behavior. She knew that her father was a very spontaneous person, which attracted a certain type of woman to him. That spontaneity made him "fun" to go out with, but it also made him unpredictable and caused him to be inconsiderate of his family, especially of his kids. He would see the newest "shiny object", whether that be a new woman or a new motorcycle, and chase it, not worrying about the needs of his family. Knowing that about him explained a lot, including the relationship he had with Ruthie's mother. It also explained what happened to Ruthie herself. Jake kicked her out because she was inconveniencing him. Ruthie felt bad for her half-brother because undoubtedly he would get the exact same treatment. It would suck to be that kid, thought Ruthie to herself, because neither Jake nor Debra really wanted him. Each had their newest partners and Jake Jr. had no place in either relationship. Ruthie realized that she was luckier than Jake Jr. When her father kicked her out, at least she did have a place to go and a parent who wanted her. So...why, after six years, would Jake suddenly want Ruthie back in his life and pay several thousand dollars for her to stay in school? It seemed that for a few months he was sincere about wanting to get back together with her. Ruthie simply thought that he wanted her to become his house-keeper and babysitter. However, Hartman pointed out that his brief resurfacing fit the pattern of his personality. Yes, at the moment he was sincere about reconciling with Ruthie, because he was between relationships and had enough time to think about her. However, he did not anticipate that Ruthie at age 18 was not the same girl he had sent away at age 12. She was an adult with different needs and a life of her own, and thus more complicated to deal with than her father had expected. Jake did not like complicated situations. In the meantime he got more involved in his new girlfriend and eventually lost interest in his daughter. Ruthie realized that it was very fortunate that she never seriously considered leaving California, because her life would have sucked had she gone to Nebraska. She would have given up her studies, her relationship with Mike, and the small freedoms that made her life somewhat bearable. She would have been forced to re-enter the grim existence that she endured over the six months that followed her grandmother's death, living in competition with the woman who shared her father's bed. It would have been life with Debra all over. There were times that she hugged Mike and held onto him, not out of love but out of gratitude. It was only because of him that she had not been forced to return to that messy and unpleasant situation in Nebraska. ---------- By the middle of the summer, Mike knew that there was not a chance Ruthie could afford to pay her tuition in the fall if she had any other expenses whatsoever. If she was going to stay enrolled in school, he would have to help her. He had no idea whether or not she would simply let him pay her tuition or "lend" her the money. If he had asked her directly, she probably would have reluctantly accepted, but such an arrangement would have made both of them very uncomfortable. He decided that the best way would be to help her indirectly, by giving her a free place to stay and paying for things such as food. That would give her the chance to save her paychecks and allow her to pay her fall tuition on her own account. At the end of June, Ruthie nervously asked her boyfriend how much she owed for her portion of the rent. He replied that she owed nothing. He lied by telling her the rent was not any more than his dorm room and that he already had budgeted for the following year. Actually the rent was a lot more than his dorm room, but as long as he could continue raiding the meters on campus, he would have no problem paying it. At the beginning Ruthie objected to not having to contribute to the rent, but Mike told her that if she kept up the place while he was gone and cooked for them, then they would be even. Mike paid for all the groceries as well, and for Internet service, and for Ruthie's text books. Freed from having any living expenses, yes, Ruthie would be able to afford tuition. She quietly deposited each week's salary to her bank account and calculated that she would have what she needed to pay for fall enrollment, given that she didn't have to pay for anything else. Being able to write her own tuition check gave Ruthie the illusion of being self-sufficient. ---------- Ruthie was relieved that living with Mike did not mean that she was forced to have sex with him round-the-clock, as she had feared. He was no more demanding of sex than he had been in the dorm. It seemed that he needed to have an orgasm once every 48 hours. She liked the massages she shared with him and tolerated being entered. His muscular, sweaty body was a turn-off for her, but she kept that to herself. About once every three weeks Mike spanked his girlfriend with the leather paddle. Being spanked was the one sexual activity she did very much enjoy; something that was guaranteed to arouse her. She liked the sharp sting of the leather, the intensifying heat on her bare bottom, and the fact the paddle never left any bruises that lasted more than a day or so. When she was being spanked Ruthie closed her eyes and was able to fantasize about submitting to Mrs. Peters or to Jen. She bit her lip and escaped into her own world as she endured the sharp smacks and hot sting coming from the leather. Mike enjoyed spanking Ruthie, but he never approached her about it. She was the one who always told him that she wanted a spanking. There were a couple of times that she simply went into her dresser (actually it was a dresser from the Sinclairs' house) and took out the paddle. Then she handed it to him and waited for him to tell her to bend over his bed or a chair. There were other times she did do a minimal amount of play-acting, usually by pinching him or doing something to irritate him, and then smiling and asking him what he was going to do about it. When she became "naughty", Mike knew that she was asking him to spank her. ---------- Ruthie resumed her counseling sessions with Dr. Hartman during the summer. According to the rules of the counseling office, Hartman should have concluded her sessions with Ruthie a long time ago. However, the girl's suicidal fantasies gave the counselor justification to grant several extensions. Hartman had a very bad scare the day that she diagnosed her client with non-verbal communication disorder. Ruthie openly admitted that the only reason she did not commit suicide was because she didn't have enough time to write a decent goodbye note to Mike. Her state of mind remained fragile and subject to outside events, none of which were going well for her. There was the ongoing issue of both her parents. There were the constant slights and frustrations she had to endure at her barista job. There was the reality that she had no friends and was totally dependent on Mike. Finally there was another difficult issue: her sexual orientation. Hartman was not about to risk being too direct about Ruthie's sexual orientation, because she did not want to risk another suicide attempt. Instead, she took a more indirect approach by encouraging the student to talk about her sexual fantasies. Over time it was obvious that Ruthie's sexual fantasies focused exclusively on other women, never on men. It wasn't hard to figure out what that meant. However, Hartman understood that her client was in an impossible situation. The girl had failed to connect with anyone apart from her boyfriend, a boyfriend who clearly loved her and was the only person who cared about her. It was only by pure luck that she managed to connect with a person as caring as Mike. She just as easily could have ended up in another disastrous encounter like the one she had in high school. Hartman's job included trying to help her clients find alternatives for their lives, but Ruthie Burns really didn't have any alternatives. She was in a stable situation for the time-being, so the counselor had no motivation to encourage her to attempt to develop other relationships at the expense of the only one that seemed to be working. Given her personality and her past experiences, there was no reason to expect that she would connect with anyone else, especially when she was having a bout of depression. Perhaps Hartman would have wanted her to not be so dependent on her boyfriend and, in an ideal world, seek out a partner who was more compatible with her sexuality. However, to hope for such a change would be unrealistic. Ruthie could not reach out to other potential partners because she was trapped inside her personality. ---------- Ruthie talked at length about her boyfriend's father during her counseling sessions. Her pessimistic outlook on life made her certain that there was no hope that Mr. Sinclair's situation could possibly have a happy ending, an assessment to which Hartman agreed. That was another reason Hartman never brought up her thoughts that Ruthie should reconsider her relationship with her boyfriend, because undoubtedly Mike would face a severe crisis of his own the moment his father's house was foreclosed upon. When Hartman asked Ruthie what she thought was likely to happen when the notice was served, with no hesitation she responded: "I think Mr. Sinclair's gonna kill himself." The conversation shifted towards Mike and how Ruthie thought he would react. Ruthie gave an assessment that very much impressed the counselor. She explained that Mike was too close to his father to see to what extent he had given up hope of ever having a useful life. Other people might have been able to adjust, but not Mike's dad, because his entire identity was wrapped up in the lost family business. Mike didn't really comprehend what that year of unemployment did to his father. That desperate and frustrating year of job-hunting was topped off with the humiliation of working at a Fast-Mart under a Pakistani immigrant, for only a fraction of what he had been earning before Sinclair Pharmacy closed. It wasn't just the debt or the loss of his business or even the loss of his marriage that had taken the life out of Mr. Sinclair. His entire world had disappeared, leaving him with no hope for the future. Ruthie concluded: "I never had anything, except my grandma, and that was a long time ago. So even if my life sucks, it's not any worse than what I've always been used to. But Mr. Sinclair did have a decent life, and it's gone, and he's never gonna be good for anything again, and he knows it. Maybe my life sucks, but his REALLY sucks, and...I really don't think Mike gets it...and I don't know how to tell him what's going on, 'cause he gets pissed at me...and I can understand where he's coming from, 'cause it sucks to see something like that happening to your dad and know you can't do anything about it." "Have you thought about what you'd do if Mr. Sinclair does do something drastic?" "Be there for Mike. Listen to him. Maybe try to get him to calm down. He's done it enough times for me...so...I guess...I'd try to pay him back...I guess that'd be what I'd try to do for him. What else would there be for me to do?" The Outsider Ch. 30 Chapter 30 -- Extinction is inevitable A week later, Ruthie had a modeling session at the community college. It was one of those "art appreciation" events, when the public was allowed to view projects put out by students and try their hand at drawing. Ruthie modeled for a life-drawing practice, which she enjoyed, because everyone drawing her was a complete stranger, not one of the students from the normal art classes at the university. Following the drawing session, there was a photography demonstration. The organizer asked her if she wanted to model for some additional money. Ruthie agreed. The original plan was for the photography model to pose in a swimsuit, but Ruthie stated that she'd prefer to model naked. If it was a figure photography practice, wouldn't it be better if her body was completely uncovered? The instructor was a bit surprised by a model who had suggested herself that she pose naked instead of wearing a swimsuit. However, he remembered his friend from the art department in Davenport saying that his newest art subject was a total exhibitionist. OK, young lady, naked it is. Ruthie spent the next two hours in an open room, moving about in front of a large photography backdrop completely undressed. Sometimes she followed requests to assume a pose; other times she danced to music and allowed visitors to photograph her at their leisure. The setting was very informal and visitors wandered in and out of the room. She calculated that at least a hundred visitors took pictures of her, including some people with very fancy-looking cameras mounted on tripods. Ruthie got back to Mike's apartment in a good mood. He was gone, at work of course, which was just fine as far as she was concerned. She'd have a couple of hours to herself and she knew exactly how she planned to spend them. She'd first make herself some iced tea and cut up some fruit. Then she would download and print an erotic story that she had seen a couple of days earlier on one of her favorite fiction websites from the Internet. That was something she had become accustomed to doing whenever she thought she'd have the apartment to herself: download and print a story that seemed promising, take it outside, sit in one of the lounge chairs, and read it while masturbating in the warm afternoon sunshine. The routine was typical for any afternoon she was alone in the apartment. After not having indulged in "me time" for more than a year, she had been able to resume that part of her life. Yes, it would be the perfect way to spend the next couple of hours before having to deal with her boyfriend. Ruthie logged on to her computer to get her story. She was just about to click past the Internet headlines when a title from the local news caught her attention: Santa Cruz resident commits suicide - property foreclosure suspected as motive -- neighbors ordered to evacuate Santa Cruz, California: July 15, 9:30 am: The Santa Cruz County Sheriff's Department released a statement concerning the investigation of an alleged suicide that deputies discovered yesterday at 8:30 am in a private residence of the Lomas Verdes subdivision. The deceased was identified as Roger Sinclair. A spokesman for the Sheriff's Department stated that deputies discovered the body of Mr. Sinclair when they arrived on the property to serve an eviction notice. He added that Mr. Sinclair already was aware that his creditor had repossessed the residence and that he would be expected to vacate as of 8:00 am yesterday morning. Sheriff's Deputies arrived on the scene shortly after 8:30 to serve the notice. Upon knocking on the door and not receiving a response, they forced entry and discovered the body of Mr. Sinclair in the living room with a single gunshot wound to the head. Deputies had to immediately withdraw from the scene however, because of the presence of very strong chemical fumes inside the residence. The spokesman stated the Sheriff's Department ordered a Haz-Mat team to deploy and further investigate the crime scene. Besides the body of Mr. Sinclair, the Haz-Mat team discovered significant physical damage inside the house. The Haz-Mat team also determined that a large amount of industrial-strength herbicide had been poured throughout the residence and onto the ground outside. Empty five-gallon containers of herbicide were discovered inside the house and in the backyard. Sheriff's Department investigators believe that Roger Sinclair spent the previous 24 hours breaking the interior walls of the residence and pouring herbicide around the property. After vandalizing the property, investigators believe he then killed himself at approximately 6:00 in the morning. The police spokesman stated that Roger Sinclair's motive for both taking his life and vandalizing the residence appeared to be on-going financial difficulties that resulted in the failure to make house payments and the foreclosure notice. Among the evidence found by the police were messages critical of Mega-Mart spray-painted on the walls. Neighbors stated that Mr. Sinclair had previously blamed Mega-Mart for the failure of his business, Sinclair Pharmacy. "The mortgage company's not gonna get much out of this one. If he wanted revenge against his lender, he sure got it. He turned that place into a toxic waste dump, and from the looks of things we're pretty certain that's what he had in mind. The whole property's going to have to be dug out." The spokesman added that the Sheriff's Department ordered the evacuation of several neighboring residences due to the high levels of toxic fumes released by the herbicide poured around Roger Sinclair's property. The residents will be required to remain out their homes until the chemicals can be neutralized and contaminated soil and debris removed. Ruthie totally forgot about her "me time". She stared dumbly at her monitor. Tears started rolling down her cheeks. She had known it all along...she had known that Mr. Sinclair was a condemned man...and yet... So now it had happened. Mr. Sinclair was gone. Perhaps his death was inevitable, but it did not make it any less painful to Ruthie. Her grandmother's death had been inevitable as well, but knowing that was of no consolation when she was standing alone in that hospital room, holding the cold, emaciated hand of the corpse that had been her grandmother only a short time before. Poor Mike...now he truly is alone...what am I going to do? What am I going to do with him? She decided the very first thing she needed to do was to get dressed. If Mike had been at work all day, chances were that he still knew nothing. She'd be the one to have to break the news...and it would be inappropriate to do it in the nude. She put on jeans and a blouse, a conservative get-up for her. Then she sat down and gazed in the direction of the monitor again...but just into space...not bothering to focus her eyes. We understood each other, Mr. Sinclair...I just...I...kinda wish I would've had the chance to say goodbye...I'm gonna miss you. I don't give a shit about most people...but I am gonna miss you... Ruthie lost track of time. She was startled to her senses when she heard Mike's key in the door. She stood up, shaking and her face stained with tears. "What's wrong?" She couldn't speak. All she could do was stare at him as she continued to tremble. "Ruthie...what happened? What's wrong? Did something happen to your mom?" She shook her head. "...computer...it's on the computer..." "What's on the computer?" "I...you...look...computer..." He approached the screen. Without saying anything, he read the entire article. Unlike Ruthie, he was not overwhelmed with emotion. The shock was too great and for the moment he felt nothing at all. The hurt would come later. He stood up and put his hands in his pockets. "I'm kinda wondering how come nobody's called me. I mean...it happened yesterday...and nobody told me anything...it sucks...sucks to hear about it on the news...my dad... on the news." Ruthie sat down on the spare bed and started crying. The scene was very strange indeed: it was Mike's father who was dead, and yet Ruthie was the one crying. He just stood, with his hands still in his pockets, staring off into space. "I...didn't think he'd do something like this. I never thought...it'd end this way...I mean...he'd talk about what things were gonna be like after they moved out...Mom talked about it..." There was a lot that Ruthie wanted to say in response, but all she could do was continue to cry. Maybe Mike had not known that Mr. Sinclair would end up shooting himself, but she did know. She knew, because she identified with Mr. Sinclair and understood his mindset. Her failure was not in clearly seeing what was about to happen, but in not expressing herself so that Mike could understand that there was no reason to be optimistic about anything having to do with his father's future. Not only had Ruthie known that Mr. Sinclair's time on the earth was drawing to a close, she also knew why his life was predestined to end precisely on the day he lost the house. The story he was giving about living off his kids once the house was gone was total bull. There was no way he would allow himself to be a burden on his children...no way. He had too much pride in himself. That story was just to shut them up. Yes...pride...and also his final act of vengeance. The mortgage company ended up with not a house, but instead a hazardous waste site that would cost thousands of dollars to clean up. The Sheriff's Department would get nothing either, except the expensive deployment of the Haz-Mat unit and a lot of very bad publicity. Mr. Sinclair had his vengeance and now no one could touch him. Not even the corporate elites can sue or file charges against a man who is dead. He was beyond their reach. Ruthie stopped crying and managed to calm down. "I...I 'spose you ought to dial Colleen...maybe she knows...something..." Without saying anything more, Mike dialed his sister, who added a few details. There was no question Mr. Sinclair had thought long and hard about how he was going to depart this life. Even the funeral arrangements had been partially taken care of. On the same day she found out about the tragedy, Mike's sister received in the mail the deed to a funeral plot and an envelope containing the cash that would be needed to cover the burial. "Dad was totally obsessed with not being a burden on us. That must have been what was eating at him...him losing everything and having to make us put him up in our places...and it would have been me who would've had to do it. He saw himself as useless." Mike's sister was silent for a moment, and then continued: "When he was talking crap, you know, saying things like he thought most people live too long...that life passes them by, and they don't know when to call it quits...I thought he was just depressed and talking a bunch of shit. It didn't dawn on me that he was seriously thinking about killing himself. Now I feel like a total moron." Ruthie looked at her boyfriend and could tell the shock was just starting to wear off. "So...what are we going to do?" "Go to his funeral. What else can we do? I had the funeral home pick up the body...and had them send out e-mails...we'll bury him on Saturday...give people a chance to respond...and then...I don't know...I don't know what we'll do. Move on with our lives, I guess." Mike was quiet for a moment. There were several things he wanted to say, but all he could get out of his mouth was: "Move on with our lives..." Colleen waited for him to say something more. Finally she added: "Anyhow, about Saturday...Reverend Chandler told me he'd do the eulogy. I do have a question...you'll be bringing your girlfriend Ruthie Burns?" "Yeah." "OK, I'll put her on the list. Anyone else?" "No. It'll just be me and Ruthie." Mike's words resonated in her mind. She realized he was saying that about his entire life, not just his father's funeral. "It'll be just me and Ruthie." ---------- For the second and final time of her life, Ruthie accompanied Mike to his parents' church. As she looked around at the cavernous chapel with its fine wood and modernistic stained glass, then at the forlorn collection of old white people sitting around her, once again she had the feeling of seeing the final phase of a bygone era. There was, of course, that weird organ music coming from the background. Her imagination wandered and the thoughts of her own death, now indefinitely postponed, eclipsed the death of her boyfriend's father. That eerie music made it very easy for Ruthie to picture herself underwater. Her lifeless body was drifting beneath the surface, illuminated by the sunlight passing through the waves. She was relaxed and finally at peace, drifting through her silent world as the sea-lions and fish swan by. At peace...yes...to be dead was to be at peace. A line from the Book of Ecclesiastes, the only book from the Bible that ever made any sense to her, surfaced in her thoughts: For to him that is joined to all the living there is hope: for a living dog is better than a dead lion. Ruthie silently wondered: is that really true? Is it better to be a live dog than a dead lion? No, it isn't, she answered back. Life sucks. It's only gonna get worse because CEO's of Mega-Town Associates, and the narcos, and all the rich...the religious clerics, the bullies...they've taken over the planet and are gonna make life a living hell for the rest of us. So...why wait? What's the point? Why stay around just to serve those parasites and predators? Mr. Sinclair understood that. There would be no more exploitation, or profits, or whatever, at his expense. He's gone...and now they can't touch him. I wish I could be there with him. This sucks, having to stick around like this. For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing; they have no further reward, and even the memory of them is forgotten. The dead know nothing...not even pain. That was what Ruthie Burns longed to feel: nothing. She had given up hope that she could ever be happy: there were just too many things working against her. The only alternative to being happy was to be unhappy, and the only alternative to being unhappy was to be nothing at all. Their love, their hate, and their jealousy have long since vanished; never again will they have a part in anything that happens under the sun. ---------- Ruthie's mind continued to wander throughout the memorial service. The pastor talked about the "tragedy" as though Roger Sinclair had died in a car accident or an airplane crash...we can't understand God's plan...but we must not give up hope. Must not give up hope? Why? Of course we need to give up hope, because hope serves no purpose. Hope is like God, a figment of the imagination based on nothing but wishful thinking. Tragedy. Yes Mike's dad did die as the result of a tragedy, but it was not the "tragedy" that took place in the Sinclair's house. The real tragedy was that the suicide was inevitable, and it had been inevitable ever since Mega-Mart decided to build a Mega-Center in Mike's neighborhood. The death of one middle-aged man was only a tiny part of a much bigger tragedy of globalization. It's predestined...what's happening to the United States...the obliteration of an entire society by its own elite, but still, it's sad to have to live through and witness the process. That's why I didn't want to stick around...why I wanted to get out. Life sucks, and it's only gonna get worse. I can't stop it from sucking, and I can't stop it from getting worse, but I can...or I could've, gotten away. ---------- The funeral moved outside...from the church to a nearby cemetery. Not much left to do...just put a boxed object in the ground and cover it up...and that would be that. As for what would happen next, Mike's sister had said it best: "I don't know what we'll do. Move on with our lives, I guess." An hour later, Mike said good-bye to his mother and his sister. He was very curt with them, making it obvious that he held them responsible for his father's death. Neither of the two Sinclair women had anything further to say to him. If Mike wanted to blame them for Mr. Sinclair's death, there wasn't much they could do about it. The opportunity to talk about it had come and gone. Ann Sinclair would face a future by herself in Arizona, and Colleen Sinclair was headed to the east coast. No point in sticking around in California with its wrecked economy, no hope for a job, bad memories...it was time for both of them to move on. So, that was it. Mike, his mother, and his sister would part ways in bitterness. Ruthie was at a loss for words as she watched the restrained goodbyes and the departure of Ann and Colleen Sinclair. Mike's family had broken up, just as her own family had broken up just a few months before. I thought the Sinclairs were so different from my fucked up parents, but I guess they weren't. After most of the people attending the funeral had left, Mike remained next to Mr. Sinclair's grave. He had his hands in his pockets and just stood quietly. His eyes seemed not to be focused: he was just staring blankly ahead. Ruthie moved closer to him, silently inviting him to hold her if he wanted. He put his arm around her, but was still dazed...still trying to accept the reality that his father no longer was alive. Ruthie rested her head on his shoulder. She tried to comfort him, but all the while she was thinking: Mike, I can't believe you didn't see this coming... Undoubtedly, once he recovered, he'd hate the CEO's of Mega-Town more than ever. Right now he blamed his mother and his sister for avoiding his father during the final weeks of his life. However, that blame would shift soon enough, to the real culprit that took away the family's livelihood and Mr. Sinclair's purpose in life. The company's greed and marketing strategy had not merely impoverished Mike's parents and taken away his future, but had destroyed his entire family. Ruthie's wandering mind gave her a glimpse of the future. It was a very bleak future, for both the US and for Mike in particular. Hatred would consume him and he would spend the rest of his life figuring out what he could do to avenge his father. He would be a mortal enemy of Mega-Town Associates...and not just its CEO's, but of the entire society that allowed that corporate monster to destroy everything it touched. Ruthie wondered how many more Mike Sinclairs were out there...hundreds of thousands....millions...tens of millions...the outsiders destined to comprise the mob of the future that will bring down the corporate system and annihilate the United States in a storm of fire and blood. Not that any of it mattered, because if it had not been Mega-Town it would have been something else. Our society is dying, and Mega-Town is just the disease that happened to enter the body first. If not Mega-Town...our annihilation would come anyway, from some other cause. Extinction is inevitable. If the fossil record proves anything, it proves that. The Outsider Ch. 31 Chapter 31 -- A sunset on the beach Finally Mike recovered enough to move away from the grave, shake hands with Reverend Chandler, and tell his girlfriend that he was ready to leave. On their way out they drove through old neighborhood. He insisted on passing by his family's former home for the last time. The house was being demolished, with great care because its materials were loaded with toxic chemicals. Ruthie noticed that the front yard already was dug up and that one of the neighbor's trees had started to wilt. They returned to Davenport. On their way back they passed an enormous billboard. It was 15 stories high and as long as a football field. The ubiquitous clown was featured, of course. The slogan read: America is a Mega-Town nation! The newest slogan...that pretty much said it all. The billboard was a new feature as well, because Mega-Town Associates had filed a court challenge to state laws restricting the size of billboards. Not letting corporations make billboards as large as they wanted was a violation of the First Amendment and of free speech. Of course the courts sided with Mega-Town, and now the company was celebrating by covering the US landscape with the largest billboards that had ever been built. ---------- When they returned to Davenport, the couple briefly stepped into Mike's apartment to change out of their formal clothing. Ruthie took off her uncomfortable dress, hoping it would be a very long time before she would have to wear it again. She didn't see why she would...no formal events were coming up that she was aware of. It was warm enough for her to wear the red dress that Mike had bought her when they first started going out in October. How long ago that seemed, and yet it was only slightly more than half a year. She knew that the dress was not really appropriate for Mike's mood, but they did have to move on. Besides, it was getting hot and Ruthie was eager to enjoy the fresh air on her skin. It was still early enough to drive to San Gregorio beach and enjoy a few hours of late-afternoon sunshine. Ruthie made the suggestion. Mike agreed, not really knowing what else to do. They got there and found a place to park. It had been crowded earlier on, but now people were just starting to leave. Mike and Ruthie walked down the steps, dropped off their clothes at one of the driftwood shelters, and walked out onto the shoreline. The tide was out and a wide, peaceful stretch of wet sand lay between them and the distant waves. Seagulls circled overhead and sandpipers scurried in front of the couple. A soft wind blew against their bare bodies, with just a hint of chilliness in it. Soon enough the sun would be low in the horizon, low enough to look at as it set. They got to the shore's edge and felt the cold water washing around their feet. Mike took Ruthie in his arms. For a long time they looked out over the Pacific Ocean. Ruthie lifted up Mike's hand and sadly kissed it. The waves are calling me. I belong out there, my body floating in that water, but that's gonna have to wait. I didn't want to have to wait around...I hate my life...I hate this existence...there's really no point in me staying alive...I don't belong on this planet, in this reality...for me there's no joy and there never will be. I know that more than ever now. But I can't leave, at least not yet. Ruthie caressed Mike's hand. She was convinced that she did not love him, at least not the way she thought she was supposed to love a partner. The passion, the sexual desire, the joy that a person feels upon seeing their companion, was something Ruthie would never experience with Mike. And yet, in her own way, she did love him, more than either of them could have imagined. Ruthie knew that whatever her faults, she was all he had, the only person in his life that gave it any purpose. Regardless of how she felt about herself, she would never take that purpose away from him. Their friendship had committed her to living a life that would not be for her, but for him. She promised herself that as long as he needed her, she would be there for him. Fifty days or fifty years...she would stay with Mike until he finally got tired of her. Then, finally, she could seek her own peace: she would follow the ocean's call and vanish into the surf. ---------- Ruthie said nothing as Mike continued to hold her, but she kissed his hand again. The sun set as incoming waves continued to batter the rocks that lay at the northern edge of the beach. Her thoughts wandered and her imagination moved back and forth in time as she contemplated the huge stretch of water that lay in front of her. That ocean is so vast...going nearly halfway around the world before there is any major body of land. And yet, even the Pacific Ocean will not last forever. Every year it is shrinking, every year a small fraction of its seabed is being swallowed by the subduction zone that runs along the entire west coast of the two Americas. Someday, in the very distant future, the Pacific Ocean will shrink to nothing, and then perhaps become a huge mountain range like the Himalayas as North America and Asia collide. Then the mountains will vanish, eroded away into a new ocean that does not yet exist. And the evidence the Pacific ever existed will have long since been erased from memory, even the fossil record obliterated by geological processes that lay hundreds of millions of years in the future. Ruthie's thoughts jumped from the distant future to the distant past. The giant pterosaurs circled over the calm waters of her imagination. Those creatures were gone...which was a real shame...along with all kinds of other interesting animals...gone. Man's fate is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; man has no advantage over the animal. Everything is meaningless. All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. We are going too...thought Ruthie to herself...me, Mike, the United States, humanity...we'll all be gone soon enough. We all end up the same. In the end, we all go away.