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Surviving Retirement

By: TexasFarmBoy



This is a little unusual for me since I tried to implement a different format feature for the first time. Sometimes these don't work as well as you would like. 

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How do I start this story? Ellen and I married young and retired young, and what? We failed retirement 101? We are lost in a sea of opportunity and we are clueless? How about, I wake up every morning and look at her and ask, "What do you want to do today?" and she answers, "Whatever you want to do." All I want to do is find something to do today that won't bore me to tears and for her to regain the sunny disposition and cheerfulness that she always displayed during our first fifteen years together. 

Ok; I am Joseph Magnon and Ellen is Ellen, nee Carter, Magnon. We met our sophomore year in college. She was a merchandising and marketing major and I was an accounting and operations major. Two weeks after meeting, we became inseparable. We studied together; we ate together; we stayed in her dorm room together. We went to summer school together and got an apartment that fall together. My parents adored her and her parents felt the same way about me. They started planning our wedding before we even began to talk about it. 

We talked about it over Christmas that year. There wasn't much discussion. I asked her if she had thought about us getting married. She said, "Yes; when?" I replied, "This summer before summer school starts?" Her rely was, "Sure, that works or spring break would also work. Pick one." We were both doing an internship; so we decided on early summer before summer school started. Our honeymoon was a long weekend at resort and spa provided by our parents. 

We graduated at the end of the summer, but enrolled immediately in the MBA program. She went for a Master in Fashion Merchandising and I took mine in the relatively new field of internet sales and marketing. We earned our diplomas in a year and half and immediately started our business, JoEllen's Clothing for Professional Women. Actually, the reason we took the MBA classes was an excuse for us to write the business plan for the company that we wanted to start. Ellen was a petite woman who had always had problems finding good looking, professional clothes. Most of what was available was for teenagers and younger girls. 

As we developed our plan, we focused more on traditional and timeless clothes for all women with an emphasis on petite women's sizes. We stayed away from fashion trends and upscale items; rather we offered a wide range of skirts that could be stylish for work, school, or on casual evenings out. Our mainline blouses were button down cotton and polyester blouses that could work with a suit, a sweater, or stand alone. We stayed away from underwear and nightgowns, but did include some comfortable night shirts. In short, we wouldn't make the style pages of the newspapers or magazines, but many women had multiples of our standards in their closets and drawers for everyday wear. 

It wouldn't be right to say that we were an instant hit on the internet, but we got orders the first week we put the website up. Ellen handled the sales processing, merchandising, product selection, and marketing. I handled the ordering, shipping, billing, and accounting. We were profitable within six months and we were already having repeat orders from our early customers. When I began the end of year reporting process during the slow week between Christmas and New Years, we celebrated a profitable first year and the number of our orders and invoices had regularly doubled almost every month. 

We were profitable for several reasons. The first was that we lived and worked out of a rented house several blocks from the campus. The second was that we only took out of the business what we needed to survive on. The third was that we did virtually all of the work ourselves. When we did have a busy order load, we would hire a couple of college kids to pack and ship orders on a part time basis. By the end of the year, we had two who regularly came over on Thursday and Friday after class to help. The only real time off we allowed ourselves was on Sunday. That was our day of rest. We often slept late, made love, went out for lunch or had a picnic. It was our recovery day. 

During that first post Christmas slow period, we evaluated our past year and then talked about our plans for the coming year. We based our plans on projecting half of our previous year growth although we had no expectations that things would slow down. Ellen wanted to add two new lines to our catalog which I agreed to. The one thing I wanted was to upgrade our computer system. We were still working off of our college computers and they had frequent problems. Rather than trying to piecemeal it together, we took a deep breath and decided to hire a friend who was graduating with a degree in communications and network management. She had been the one we had used to help us set up our computers at the start. When we talked to her, she had begun a job search, but was finding the going tough. She accepted our offer for part-time on the understanding that she could continue to look for a full time job. We agreed and Melinda Watson started on January 2nd. 

On January 10th, she asked us for a joint meeting. Both Ellen and I were afraid that she had found a full-time job already and that she would be leaving us. Instead, she said that instead of upgrading our existing computers which were very overloaded, we should keep them, but buy a server to run all of the programs and internet and use our existing ones as workstations. When she told us that this would cost only a little more than the upgrades, I looked at Ellen and we both said, "Do it." Melinda went out to order the server and came back with one in her back seat. The store had one sitting on the shelf that was less than six months old and had been taken back because the company that had leased it had gone bankrupt. It was complete with cables, monitor, software, and a laser printer. She had spent two thirds of what she had said it would cost. We changed her from part-time to fulltime that day. She was going to save us money. The rest of the week, Melinda installed and tested the server and on Sunday, she shut down the website to move it to the server. On Monday morning we were operating on the new system. All of our workstation computers worked faster and better than before and it made all of us more efficient and productive. 

For the first six months of our second year, our orders grew at the same rate as the previous year, but starting that summer, the rate began climbing again. The new lines that Ellen had added had begun to pay off. By fall, we had four part-time college students working after school every day and we had run out of room to work. Ellen and I slept in what was her office. My office was the guest room and it was full of orders and paperwork. The third bedroom was Melinda's office and it was full with the server and related equipment. The living room was our shipping center and the kitchen was our break room. I had rented a storage room to keep our inventory and it was full. 

The only solution was to move the operation to a new location. We found a 10,000 square foot building that had once been a movie theater not too far from the college. It had also been used as a club, a gym, and most recently the home of a little theater. The building had appeal for a several reasons. It had a large open floor to store and move material around in. The stage area was a good size for packing and shipping. There was a double door with a loading dock on one side for shipping and receiving. On the upper level, there were three offices and a storeroom along with the projection room which had a good cooling and ventilation system for the server. Ellen loved the lobby area and felt that it would make a nice shop for close out items. The front opened out on a street of cafes, galleries, and boutiques. She felt that we could add additional business there. The area had been run down and was being restored into a nice gathering, eating, and shopping area. 

We staged the move in three steps. I moved my office over to the new space and began receiving new shipments there while I set up shelves and shipping stations. When I was ready, we moved all of the stuff out of the storage room and the shipping supplies and materials from the house. Melinda had run the lines for the computers and printers and we were running remotely from then on. Ellen moved her office over next and got herself organized. We waited for the Thanksgiving holiday to move Melinda and the server to its new location. 

When it was all said and done, Ellen and I looked at the rent house and saw how little furniture we really had. The lease was up at the end of December and we decided to let it go. That gave us a month to find a new place to live. One of our part-time students mentioned that there was a mid-rise condo complex down the street with several units for sale. A number of parents had bought condos for their student to live in while going to school with the intent of selling it when they graduated. The real estate market was in one of its doldrums and condos weren't selling which led to the price dropping on a number of them. Ellen and I went to see what was available; we were shocked. We could buy a nice one bedroom for less than a good used car. When we asked about a two bedroom, the only one they had available was a large one on the top or fifth floor. There were two equally sized ones on the top floor and each had a good sized enclosed patio on opposite ends of the building. This one came furnished with nice furniture and was priced at what a nice new car would cost. 

We talked about it as we walked back to the office and felt that it would be a great place for us and the price was more than reasonable. When we got back to the office and told Melinda, she simply said, "Neither one of you has taken anything out of the business. There is plenty of cash, go buy the damn place. You deserve it." That settled that discussion. We moved in over the Christmas break and celebrated New Years on our patio with Melinda, her boy friend, and the part-time students who were still in town. It was cool that night, but a fire in the fire pit warmed the area up nicely. 

The next spring, it came out that Melinda's boy friend had started up a computer network and internet support company. He wanted to marry Melinda and have her work for him. After several discussions, they could provide all of our computer support and network needs for less than what we were paying Melinda and we made a deal. We were sorry to lose her, but since she would be our account executive, we seldom went a day or two without seeing her. They lived in another condo complex just down the street from us. 

During our fourth and fifth year, our business began to stabilize and a pattern began to develop. Our incoming orders began to coming in during the afternoon and continued until about ten at night. Ellen began staying at home in the morning and coming in at noon to handle the new business. That meant that the shipments needed to be ready in the morning; so I came in early and stayed until the pickup was made shortly after lunch. She would bring me lunch when she came in; then I would go home and take a nap. I would pick up dinner for her and take it in about seven and began processing orders for the next morning. I stayed until she was through and we walked home together. Together we were spending a combined 18 hours a day working to build our business. One of our part-time girls had graduated and we hired her to run the new store front. We didn't have to rely on over stock and out of date things; we simply discounted our regular stock because we had little handling and processing cost. The store was successful and growing as word spread about our products and prices. 

We had simplified our shipping operation too. If a customer ordered a single item or multiples from the same manufacturer, we arranged for it to be shipped directly from the manufacturer with our label and catalog. The only orders we now handled and processed were the ones from multiple manufacturers. We had hired an ex-military man who was now going back to college to run our shipping department. This freed me up to spend more time streamline our operation and plan for future growth. 

The woman that ran our store was named Marcella, but went by Marci and she proved to be an excellent choice. She was familiar with our retail store and our internet operation as she had worked in all areas while in college. At the end of our fifth year, we named her manager of store operations. This allowed Ellen and I to take our first ever vacation together. The decision to go to the Virgin Islands in December and January was a no brainer. We spent two glorious weeks together on the beach, dancing clumsily in the clubs because we had not danced in over five years, and shopping the native shops. When we returned home, we brought with us two very nice tans and the designs for six island inspired dresses that Ellen fell in love with. 

During the spring, Ellen approached a number of our regular manufacturers about making the dresses, but they all declined much to her frustration. We talked and I said that I would do some research on the subject. It didn't take long to discover the problem. Most of the major bands and big stores bought in very large quantities and they were manufactured off shore by the tens of thousands. The only domestic manufacturers focused on the small volume but high end products using expensive fabrics and custom designs. They manufactured in the hundreds or thousands. There were a few who specialized in making small lots of twenty five or less as tryouts and samples to show to potential buyers. One of those was located in our town. 

I visited him and discussed an order for ten each of the six designs in three sizes. The owner was an older man who had excellent equipment, but relied on manual labor rather than computer controlled sewing since with his business, he would have to change the program too often to justify the upgrade. He agreed to make the batch I wanted, but indicated that he was thinking about retiring soon and that if I wanted a larger order, he could refer me to a good manufacturer for a production run. I left him with the order and went home to think. 

The next day, I talked to Melinda's husband about automating sewing machines. He didn't know much about process controllers, but put me in contact with a man who did. The talk with him was enlightening. To automate the man's sewing machines could be done in several ways. The simplest would be to set them up to run batches of the same thing in the same size repeatedly. The next step would be to add a computer design function that would adjust the same pattern to make different sizes. The last option was to put a full control package on that could literally make any design in its library in any size and quantity desired. It cost a lot, but would eliminate inventory and the same patterns could be made out of any fabric desired. When I told Ellen about it, she went into overdrive. We could offer the dresses on the web in all sizes and fabrics and could make them as we received orders. She wanted to take the ten I had ordered and put them in the store to get customer responses. 

I picked our order up the next week and took them back to the store. Ellen immediately took one of each in her size and told Marci to do likewise. They wore each of them for a week and then compared notes. The next week there were six mannequins wearing them with a table asking our customers for their comments about them. Three weeks later, Ellen came to me and simply said, "Order twenty five more of each with these changes. See if you can buy that company, we can sell these." 

Our banker had been after us to use them to expand our operations. We were still expanding from our existing cash flow and hadn't felt the need to borrow anything. If we bought this business, it might strap our cash flow depending on the price and deal that we could arrange. He suggested that I meet with a consultant that they recommended for business buyouts. The consultant asked me one question: did we want to buy out the entire operation including the building, or were going to buy the business only, or were we going to buy the equipment only. Then he suggested that I open discussions with the owner and get his most past five year financials and analyze them. When I knew what we wanted to do, I could come back and we could structure a deal to present to the man. 

I went to see the owner and gave him Ellen's order and then asked him about his time frame for retirement. His response was that he would like to retire completely in two to three years, but was willing to work out a deal anytime if someone was interested. I asked if he had financials that I could study. He said that he would have them for me when I picked up the order. We shook hands and I went back to work. 

I also started researching about buying a business and some of the pitfalls. Almost all of the potential problems seemed to stem from an inexperienced buyer who didn't understand the basics of the business. They tended to make uninformed decisions that came back to haunt them. As the consultant had said, there were advantages and disadvantages of each of the options he had mentioned. The major one was buying the building. Depending on its condition, it could be an albatross that restricted growth or it could allow for consolidation and growth potential. Buying the business as is could cause customers to leave because of uncertainty about the new owner. The major problem tended to be the employees. Good ones were beneficial; bad ones could cripple the operation. Buying equipment only might be the least expensive option, but it also meant disconnecting, moving, and reinstalling the equipment in a new facility. Then there was the issue of finding someone knowledgeable to operate and maintain it. I could readily see each of these issues and started making a list of questions and things I needed to ask. 

Ellen and I talked over the options and it appeared that in general we favored buying the company, but perhaps leasing the building from the owner for a period of time. She felt that if we continued his regular business while our dresses began to find a place in the marketplace, that we would be in good shape. I liked that too especially if he had good people in place and we could retain them. I adjusted my list and added a couple of things that Ellen had brought up. 

When I picked up our order, he gave me a folder and asked that if I wanted to talk, we should meet somewhere else so that he wouldn't upset his employees. I agreed and went home to look at his financials. It didn't take long to see what he had. For the past five years, he had worked regularly, but not at full capacity. For the most part, he had about a hundred regular customers and then another fifty who ordered irregularly. He had a dozen women who did the sewing and a billing and payable clerk. There was also a maintenance man. He might prove to be critical whatever we were able to work out. 

The next week, I met the man for a light dinner and asked him my questions. He seemed well prepared with the answers. When we finished he said that he was well aware that the business wasn't a growing one and that he couldn't expect top dollar for it. He was willing to work with us any way we wanted. He had saved his money for retirement and felt that he was comfortable. He basically wanted to see it go to someone who could take care of the existing customers and employees fairly. That left me with a good feeling. 

Two months later after involving the consultant, banker, and the process control guy, we launched JoEllen Causal Concepts for Home. We bought the business, rented the building from him, and retained the owner for two year to run the existing business while we hired and trained someone to replace him. At his present level of business, there were twenty machines busy and ten sitting idle. We had these ten converted to the full computer control ones with the computer sized to add the other machines as time went on. This is where we found the diamond in the rough. The maintenance man had worked on maintaining sophisticated control equipment in the military for ten years before he got out. He wasn't a computer man, but he could keep both the sewing machines and the process control equipment running efficiently and productively. A year after we started, we sent him back to school to learn about the computer side after he expressed an interest in learning more about the computer control and programming. 


Surviving Retirement



We launched the new line by having batches of twenty five made up to utilize the newly refitted machines and to fill in during slow times with the traditional business. While all of this conversion was going on, Ellen took the designs to a technical fashion designer who reviewed them and offered several suggestions to improve the manufacturing process. The first was that four of the six designs were literally made out of one piece of fabric. Instead of cutting each piece first and hemming then, she suggested that we have all of the fabric cut to one size and shape. The machines could sew the hem at the size required and then the excess could be cut off. This eliminated several steps in cutting and fitting the material to the machine properly to make sure that improper hems wouldn't result. The other two designs were more intricate in that they had a fairly simple skirt that had a multi piece top to cover the upper torso. She suggested that the top be a separate item that would be made out of one piece more like a serape. Besides the option of mixing and matching skirts and tops, each piece was quickly and easily made. 

The other thing she suggested was that since all of the skirts required some type of attachment in one or two places, we should add a well reinforced button hole as required and offer a variety of choices for attachments. They could be large buttons, ties, ribbons, hooks, or buckles. Ellen loved the idea of the instant accessorization of the outfits for different occasions. I liked the simplicity of the design for manufacturing and shipping. We didn't offer these new designs until we introduced them to the website. 

The traditionally made ones were quickly accepted by the store customers and we were selling ten or so of each style each week. When we were ready and launched it on the website, we were getting ten orders a day. The ten new machines could easily produce this quantity and we realized that we could handle up to ten a day per machine. We hit that mark at the end of the year after they were introduced. The on-line business continued to expand with the At Home line leading the growth. 

One of the things that Ellen had started doing in our first year was that she would send an e-mail twice a year to our repeat customers asking them about what they wanted or needed. We discovered that the fashion marketing industry was constantly trying to change the styles to get women to buy new things that didn't have staying power. We preferred to talk to our customers and see what they really wanted or needed. Based on their responses, Ellen would add or adjust our catalog accordingly. She also looked around for new lines to add and now, she also looked for new designs for the At Home lines. Over time, we added a number of other items like At Home in the Kitchen featuring practical and nice wear while cooking which included everything from aprons to chef pants and jackets. At Home in the Garden featured loose clothing for the garden along with hats and gloves. 

We still stayed away from trendy and personal items like underwear and evening wear; we focused on comfortable and practical things. Four years after we bought the manufacturing business, we outgrew the building. Our lease with the owner had expired and he had retired to a small town some distance away. When we told him that we needed to move, he offered to sell us the building for a price that was way below the market. After thinking about it, we took him up on his offer and moved the make-on-demand business to a nearby location and left the traditional small order business in place. We had updated and modernized those machines, but not to the full level of the others. We had trained the maintenance man to become our operations manager and we seldom had problems from with group of machines. Ellen had visited all of these customers and had adjusted our service to serve them better and that part of our business was now growing again as the customers liked our quality and prices. She expanded our customer base as some of the other smaller shops closed their doors. 

During this same period, Marci had suggested that we look at opening a second store in another redeveloping area of town. It too was near a college and a middle class residential area. We looked and opened our second store. Two months after that, we opened our third store in an adjacent city in a similar neighborhood. Both stores were instant successes. Marci had developed several of our employees into managerial material and we transferred them to run these new stores. We stocked them with our standard products and offered our full catalog of items to be ordered and picked up within two days of ordering. We had several malls approach us to open stores in their mega malls, but we chose to stay close to the customer base that was critical to our success. 

At our ten year anniversary, we celebrated again with a two week vacation, but this time to Italy. We came back in love with Italian food and wine and with four new designs for the At Home catalog. These were simple Italian peasant wear which would be easy to make and offered a new style of comfortable wear. Melinda and her husband had kept us current on the technology front and we kept growing. We were approaching $50 million in revenues each year and weren't like many other companies that grew up quickly and then disappeared just as quickly. We stayed focused on our core business, we funded growth from internal sources rather than leveraging our future by borrowing, and we added "safe" products that our customers actually wanted. Ellen and I were taking a nice salary and saving most of it, but we weren't sucking huge amounts of money from our operations. There had been a couple of economic downturns, but we easily survived them because of our stable approach. 

We broke new ground for the first time since we started manufacturing early in our tenth year. We had heard about another growing website that focused on evening wear. They seemed to be following a similar path of solid growth and stability as we were. Their focus wasn't on high fashion, but traditional "little black dress" clothing and accessories. Ellen and I had talked about them and seemed to agree that they were doing it the right way. That myth came to a halt when we were approached by a lawyer one day. Simply stated, the owners of the website had started like we had and done well until the husband started having an affair with one of their employees. His wife had gone ballistic and filed for divorce. She was demanding a large cash settlement which the husband did not have nor could he raise. In short, the business was at risk of going under unless a buyer could be found. He was exploring if we had an interest since our stability and growth was well know in the industry. He brought us their sales history and financial statements and said that he could give us a week to consider it before he would need to look for other options. 

I analyzed the financials quickly and found that they were profitable, but not quite at our level. They had opened more stores than we had, but had stayed in similar reviving neighborhoods as we were. They were leveraged more than I liked, but it wouldn't be an excessive burden. Ellen evaluated their product lines and felt that our customers might find them appealing. Their operations were less sophisticated than ours and I could see potential to improve their profitability in that direction. We went back to the consultant and discussed how to approach this. He suggested two options to consider. The first was to buy out their business and merge it into our existing one. The second was to offer to buy the company and keep it as a separate subsidiary. For this approach we could offer both cash and stock. It was then that he suggested that the husband seemed to be interested in getting out and pursuing a different life and that they wife might be interested in continuing as part of the business in spite of her anger. Our banker was supportive about either option. 

I called the lawyer and asked if we could meet him and the wife at a neutral location and discuss several approaches. He warned that the wife was very defensive, but that she would probably listen to what we had to offer. When he called back, he suggested a location at a nice hotel about half way between us and her home base. 

We took the consultant with us and were prepared to make two offers for her to consider. The first was pretty much a distress cash sale for the business which she would probably get two thirds of the cash based on her lawyer's sense of how the divorce would go. The other offer was for us to finance her to buy out her husband's shares in the company after which she would merge her company into our company and get a 10% ownership in our combined companies. She would be retained to operate her company as a Vice President for her region at a very nice salary. We would provide our products to her stores and she would provide our stores with her merchandise. This offer required us to put up less cash, but would add both a website and more stores that should power more growth. 

When we presented the first offer, her anger surfaced and we could tell that she was ready to take that offer just to shove it in her husband's face. However, when we presented the second offer, we saw her soften significantly. What resulted was the story that she loved the marketing and merchandising part of the business. He had been doing what I did, but had lost interest in it. Most of her anger was that she felt betrayed that he was ignoring the business and creating problems because she wasn't comfortable with all of the nuts and bolts things. His affair actually just added fuel to the flame that was already building. This approach would let her continue doing what she liked to do and promised an even greater return for her over the long haul.  

She slept on it that first night and Ellen and I spent the night making love and feeling fairly confident that we now had a partner. In the morning, we agreed on the second offer including the price for the stock over breakfast. She actually suggested that we lower the stock price so that he would get less. Her lawyer just smiled. He and our consultant spent the day structuring the deal and we and the woman, whose name was Rachel, spent the next two days talking about details. Actually, she and Ellen spent most of the time talking about customers and ideas for growth. I began to get the picture of how they operated and felt that it would be an easy conversion. 

The resulting deal was two parts. We invested the money for her to buy out her husband which he eagerly accepted. A week after their divorce was finalized, we signed the merger papers and Rachael became our partner. We had to put up $5 million in cash to make this deal and a year later, I had converted their operations to blend with ours and we saved over half of that amount. More importantly, we had added $10 million in revenue, the profit level of what was now called Rachael at Night was higher than our JoEllen products lines. Between Rachael and Ellen, new products for both lines came easily. The one operational thing that I focused on was to fill in the gap between our two locations with stores to create a unified front throughout our region. We made Marci the Regional Manager for store operations and named local managers in each area to develop that area. 

At fifteen years, we were a $100 million dollar company with plenty of room to grow. It was then that things happened to change our lives completely. The first was that Rachael told us that she was going to get married again and wanted to reduce her daily participation in the operations of the company. She had met and had dated an investment banker for a year. They had fallen in love and wanted to start a family soon at his location farther east. We of course gave her our blessing. At that time, both Ellen and I realized that we were also getting tired of being so deeply involved in the business and we began talking about pulling back some. 

It turned out that Rachael's investment banker talked to some of his clients about us and the next thing we knew, we were visited by another lawyer. This time he wasn't trying to sell something; he represented someone who wanted to buy something: our company. It was the heady time of internet marketing and even startups were selling at ridiculous prices. We sat there as the man said that he represented one of the major retail companies and he offered us $750 million dollars for our business. The offer was for half cash and the other half in stock of the retail giant. Neither Ellen nor I knew how to respond. I had thought that the company was worth about a third of that and felt proud of our efforts. But this was three times as much as I thought. The cash portion alone was more than I estimated the worth of the company. 

We talked to the banker, the consultant, and our investment advisor and they all gave us the same answer; "Take it." 

Two months later, we signed the papers, the cash was transferred into our investment account to fund our newly developed investment plan, and Ellen and I left for a month long vacation to Italy again. We thoroughly enjoyed our month of traveling around and exploring the little out of the way places that are so prevalent in Italy. Ellen kept seeing things that she wanted to sell and I kept seeing ways to make and ship these items. We both knew that we wouldn't be able to do any of this for two reasons. First, the new owners wanted to put their people in place and we were no longer part of the company that we had built. The second was that we could not start a new business in the clothing business for ten years. We could do anything we wanted outside of the clothing business, but we didn't have an interest in anything else. 

When we came home from our trip, we went to our condo, the same one we had lived in for the past ten years, where went to bed and made love for a long time. The next morning, we got up and made coffee and sat down and looked at each other. Ellen said the words, but I was thinking the same thing; "What are we going to do today?" 

I had no idea. We had spent all of our time working on the business and had developed no outside interests. We also had no close personal friends; only employees who were friends. We had no place to go and nothing to do and we didn't have a clue what to do next. We were thirty five, wealthier than we ever imagined we ever would be, and we had no idea what to do today much less next year. 

We decided to take a road trip and visit our parents. That was good and killed two weeks. They were both almost jealous that we could now do anything we wanted. They didn't seem to comprehend that we didn't know what we wanted to do. They simply said, "You will figure it out. Be patient." 

We were patient but we weren't figuring it out. Within a week after we got home, we were almost dreading getting out of bed in the morning because we would have to face another day with nothing to do but eat. 

Chapter Two 

On Thursday, Ellen heard a woman on the local NPR station talking about their work with potential retirees and how to prepare themselves for life after work. She called the woman's office to talk to her. The woman was busy, but her secretary scheduled us to come in the next morning at 10:00. Ellen accepted and told me what she had done. I was elated that we had something to look forward to and we actually acted excited for the rest of the day. 

The next morning, we arrived a little early and the smiling receptionist gave us a couple of pages to fill out. The first was the usual basic information and the second a questionnaire that had places for both his and her answers. When we were finished, the receptionist led us into a nice and comfortable office after offering us coffee. We thank her and poured ourselves a cup before we settled on the couch to wait. It only took a moment before another door opened and woman of about fifty entered while looking over our information sheet in a file. She had a puzzled look on her face, but when she looked up the puzzled changed to very confused. 

"Excuse me, are you that Magnons?" 

Ellen answered, "Yes, we are. Is there a problem?" 

"Um, no, not at all. I was expecting...Let me back up and start over again. I am Dr. Susan Smith and we usually counsel older people trying to prepare for retirement. You are obviously younger. That isn't a problem; I was just surprised. May I ask what your interest is?" 

It was my turn to answer, "The short story is that we just sold our business and woke up and realized that we didn't have a clue what to do with our lives. Ellen heard your interview on the radio and we decided to see if you can help us since we are sort of retired now." Ellen nodded and smiled. 

Susan looked at us for a moment and then smiled. "As I said, most of the people we talk to are older, but we have worked with a number of people in similar situations to you; please forgive my confusion. However, I would like to have my husband join us. We prefer to work with couples like you as a team. Would you mind?" 

Ellen replied, "Of course not; we need help from any source." 

"I'll be right back." She went back out the door and returned a couple of minutes later with a man about her age with a look of an interest on his face. "This is my husband, Dr. Harold Jennings. Honey, this is Joe and Ellen Magnon." 

"Hi, I am pleased to meet you. I am very interested to hear your story. Please tell us what you want us to know." 

They sat down in chairs on either side of us and also joined us with a cup of coffee. Each of them had a pad of paper and pen on their lap to take notes. For the next forty five minutes, Ellen and I took turns telling them about our history and lives together. We only left out details and tried to be totally honest with them. We had nothing to hide. It was not lost on us that both of them were busy writing and asked few questions as we talked. When we finished, we took a break and Ellen and I each went to the bathroom. 

When we came back, there were some snacks on the coffee table in front of us and a fresh pot of coffee on the burner. Harold began, "Let me tell you a little about us and why we are interested in you and your situation because we are very interested. I am a psychologist and as such, I focus on individuals. I don't look for the usual negative things like depression and behavior problems. I leave that to others. My interest is in the stages of people's lives and the changes that happen as they mature and age. He paused for a moment to drink some coffee and think about how to proceed. 

"We used to talk about adolescence, young adulthood, adulthood, and then senior citizen and the golden years as they were called. I prefer to narrow those down further to young adulthood, middle adulthood, late adulthood, early maturity, and then late maturity. During young adulthood, people are exploring life, careers, and finding their mate. Then they go forward starting to fulfill their dreams and plans. There usually aren't a lot of problems except practical ones in this period. The second period is middle adulthood. People have settled in trying to fulfill their dreams and move forward. This is also when they begin to have children. The problems during this period are usually with the women. They begin to struggle with balancing motherhood versus career. During the later part of this period and early in the late adulthood stage is when she has resolved these issues and the children are growing and life is relatively smooth. The problems in late adulthood are now usually with the men. We generally refer them as being the middle age crazies. They feel trapped in a continuation or more of the same. They have affairs and domestic tension grows.' He paused again and refilled his coffee. 




Surviving Retirement



"Late adulthood is also when the children start to leave home. The problems now are with both people as they each look at their partner that they have lived with for twenty years and see a stranger. The man has usually been deeply involved in his career and the wife is eager to do something new. Then we get to early maturity. Many couples end up divorced through the last three periods, but those who do survive, have resolved their early issues and begin to expand their horizons. They rediscover each other's uniqueness and find satisfaction. The man is pretty well at the top of his career and the woman has rediscovered meaning in her life. I won't go on with the other stages because they don't apply to you yet. The important point is that at each stage, each person is faced with new and different challenges and learning opportunities. If they are successful, they all come back together in the early retirement period. I'll let Susan pick it up from here." 

Susan began her part. "I am not a psychologist, but a sociologist and I focus on relationships and how they work and why they fail. While Harold counsels individuals, I counsel couples to work them through the problems and things that face them through each of these stages. As Harold said, there are many failures during these stages. They are spread out over a twenty to thirty year time span. Once the relationship breaks apart, each couple tends to go back to an earlier stage and start over again. This is personal and not career or age related. We have been doing this together for twenty years and have written several books together and independently on our studies. You can find them on line if you are interested, but they won't help you much because you are part of small group where the normal life cycle doesn't apply anymore." She paused and looked at us for questions. We had none. 

"To be honest, you have been in the early adulthood stage for fifteen years and suddenly you went from that to late adulthood without passing through the other stages. It is no wonder that you are confused and lost as to what to do next when you are still in your mid thirties. We have worked with a number of people like you, but with different issues. Usually, one partner achieves early success and the other partner is just there going along for the ride. One of our clients was a lounge singer and his wife worked as a waitress in the club he sang in. They were barely making ends meet. He cut a record and three months later, he was an overnight success and she was still a waitress in her mind. We had another similar situation where the woman was an actress and her husband was a mechanic. She got cast in a big movie with all of the glitz and glamour and he was still a mechanic. We have also had several couples more like you where they sold their business and had enough money to retire, but weren't ready to yet. We have developed a few things that we can suggest that might help you out if you are interested. There has been little research done on this subject, but we both know that it will be a growing area and we want to learn more and grow with this trend. That is why we are so interested in working with you." 

Ellen looked at me and we both knew what to ask next. "What do we need to do? We are ready." 

Harold spoke again and he was obviously being very careful. "It isn't quite as simple as that. First, I need to tell you something that might upset you. It isn't bad, but it does carry some serious negative messages to some people. Are you willing to hear it? If you aren't, just say so and we will see if we can find something else to try." 

I said, "We are ready to hear it; we are getting desperate. I think that desperate is a good word here." Ellen nodded. Susan got up and went to the door and said something to the receptionist and then returned. 

He continued, "There is only one word I can use because it accurately describes both of you, but like I said, most people take the word as a negative. Please don't. In your case it is a positive. The word is codependent. You are each dependent on each other to fulfill your life." I felt Ellen stiffen, but she didn't say anything. 

Harold must have noticed it too as he said, "When most people hear the word, they think of one person dragging the other down with emotional baggage and getting entangled in a complex web of almost passive-aggressive behavior. That is why I cautioned you first. The truth is that you two exhibit the same behavior except that it is positive and no one ever talks about that side. The main difference with you is that you are both emotionally and intellectually strong. There are no negative seeds there to destroy you. Your codependency comes from your natural talents and skills. Ellen is the idea and sales person while Joe is the doer, planner, and operational man. You supplement each other almost perfectly and have proven that over fifteen years while other couples are still struggling with how to get along with each other. The problem is that you think alike, you almost read each other's mind intuitively; you work well together and seldom argue about anything because you are on the same wavelength. I would guess that neither of you has a hobby or a sport that you participate in and that neither of you has engaged in a separate activity that wasn't in support of the other. You also probably don't have any friends outside of work. You know a lot of people, but aren't close to anyone besides each other. Even your parents don't understand you as well as each other does." 

Ellen's voice was quivering as she spoke. I couldn't speak because of the lump in my throat. "What can we do?" 

Susan answered, "Let's take a break first and get ourselves together. I have ordered some deli sandwiches and we can just talk about something else for awhile and then we will talk about our suggestion. Tell us about Italy; we want to go there someday." The receptionist entered and set a tray of sandwiches, chips, drinks and condiments on the coffee table. 

We talked for almost forty five minutes about Italy while we ate. I felt myself relax and saw that Ellen did too. Finally, the time came to get back on task. Susan was the one to start us going again. 

"We have had eight couples with a similar situation that you are having. We have tried this with each of them. Two declined to participate and we are trying different things with them. Of the other six, five have completed it and have rediscovered life together. The sixth one is still in the process, but the signs are positive. Like we said, there is very little precedent for this type of situation. What we suggest is that you each go in a different direction for a while and try to discover what you like and respond to personally. Then when you come back together again, you both have new things to share and perhaps develop together. In short we reintroduce you to that exploratory period and condense it without the daily pressures that young people usually experience." 

Ellen asked nervously, "How long is this period?" 

"That is an excellent question. What we recommend is that you assume and plan on a year. If you find a good place before that, it can be shorter if you are both ready. We don't recommend planning on a shorter period because some people will take three or four months to discover something and if the time limit is six months, they don't have enough time to get comfortable. Some will also start counting the days and that isn't productive either." 

I asked, "Are you suggesting that we go out and have affairs and things like that?" 

"No, not at all. One of the things we will need to talk about is that issue, but that is not our suggestion at all. Let me give you a couple of examples. One of our clients liked to cook and go also out on boats. He got a job on a fishing boat out of Seattle. His wife thought that she would be interested in planning weddings and got a job working with a professional planner. The result was that the man learned that he loved cooking for others and going out in a boat, but he hated being on a work boat with a bunch of strange people he didn't know. His wife liked planning events, but she hated weddings. When they got back together after a year, they ended up buying a boat in Seattle and she arranged romantic outings for couples and small groups. They anchor out and the man cooks for a small group and his wife takes care of the people during the day. They love it. They have been doing this for two years now and are closer than ever." She paused again looking at us for a response. 

"Another couple started out doing the same thing except that the man developed a passion for old books after hearing a lecture at a university about them. The woman found out that she loved going to flea markets and estate sales and finding unique things to collect and sell. The difference with them was that the man talked to the speaker and they went hunting books together and they became road lovers. The woman met a man who was also a collector and seller. They travelled together and also became lovers. When their time was over, they each were honest with each other about everything and accepted each other as they were then. Now, when the man goes on a book hunt, his lover travels with him and the same for the woman. They each come home for at least a month and they enjoy each other immensely. The other man and woman live in their normal homes and seldom come to the couple's home although all four of them have been together from time to time. Those are two extremes, but show that you can find a life separate from your spouse and still maintain a vibrant relationship afterwards." 

I could feel a change in Ellen. She was excited. I wasn't exactly sure about what, but I could feel it like when she had a new idea to work with. I asked, "What's next. There has to be more that what you just said." 

Harold took over. "You are right Joe, there are a number of things we need to talk about, but those are mostly irrelevant right now. What we would like is for you and Ellen go home and talk about this. If you decide to go forward, we will lay out the other parts. If you decide not to participate, then the other things are just clutter. We both have clients this afternoon. Let's suggest that you come back tomorrow morning. If you have made a decision, we can explain the rest. If you have more questions, we can try to answer them or you can talk to one or the other of us privately. We aren't trying to force you into something that you don't want and we don't want you to do this with any regrets. It is about your life and future." 

Ellen asked one more question, "If we do this, what are the chances of us staying together when this is over?" 

Susan replied, "There is no guarantee; but so far all of the couples are still together and are happy. Again this isn't about measuring specific results. It is about you two finding more about yourselves and finding a new dynamic to add to your lives. What you find might take you in a totally different direction, but from what I have seen of both you, I doubt that this would be your case. The bond between you is too strong. What I would expect is that you will each bring something new back and then you will work out how you can each achieve your new goals. That is what we hope happens, but we will have no control over what actually happens." Ellen just nodded. 

Shortly after that, we rose and shook hands with the couple and left. We drove silently until I drove into the parking lot of our favorite pub. Without saying a word, we both knew that this is where we wanted to be and talk. The entire conversation lasted the time it took us to drink our glass of ale. 

She started, "Well, what do you think?" 

"I think that we both know that we need to do this." 

"I know; it just a little scary to me to think that you won't be there for me when I need you." 

"I am a little scared about trying to find something without you there to make it exciting and wonderful. I guess we need to find out that we can do this without each other." 

She sighed, "You are right. We'll talk to them in the morning and see what else we need to do to get ready." 

"I know what I want to do now and for the rest of the night?" 

She grinned and asked, "Do I need to ask what that is?" 

"You can ask, but you know what the answer will be." 

"I'm ready; let's go home." 

We swallowed the last of our ale and left. 

At ten the next morning we entered the office and were shown directly into the same room. I poured us each a cup of coffee and we sat closely next to each other. It was like we knew that we were going to be apart and wanted to share every possible moment with each other. Susan and Harold came in with smiles on their faces, but I could detect a look of concern in their eyes. They didn't know what we had decided. 

Susan began, "So, questions, discussion, or decisions?" 

I took Ellen's hand and after taking a deep breath, I said, "Decision." 

Susan asked, "And what is that?" 

Ellen answered after letting her breath out. "We are both a little scared, but we know that we need this. We are ready to move on." I nodded. 

Harold interrupted and asked, "Ellen, what are you scared about?" 

"I am scared about waking up and knowing that Joe isn't there to cover me when I screw up or there to redirect me if I get off task." 

"Joe, what are you scared of?" 

I fumbled for the words until I looked at the coffee table. "I look at that coffee table and see a coffee table. When Ellen sees it, she sees a place for books, or a flower, or art pieces. She makes the table come alive. I am scared that I will spend a year looking and only see things and that nothing will ever come alive anymore." 

Harold smiled and said, "Thank you. That was very special. The worst thing either of you could have said was that the other couldn't survive without the other. Then this wouldn't work very well. You both said that the other makes your life better. You both know that you will survive and that the other one just makes it better. That is something to remember and build on now and later." 

Susan added, "Harold is right. Everything we have seen and talked about last night tells us that you are both capable of handling this and coming out stronger in the end. That will be a pleasure to see. Now, I want to discuss a few things that we recommend and why. Feel free to ask any questions you have. First, we suggest that you both go somewhere else rather than stay here. We suggest that you start off going in different directions." 

I asked, "Explain?" 

"If either of you stay here or near here or even go back to your home town, there will be constant reminders of the other one. We feel that if you go to new places, you will still remember, but you will also be looking at and facing new things rather than old ones. As things progress, one or both of you might keep moving and end up going in the same direction as the other, but the other will also have settled in or moved on." 

"I see. I don't have a problem with that; I just wanted to know why. We haven't talked about it, but I am thinking about getting a truck or a small RV and going west. The idea of going east doesn't hold much interest to me." 

Susan looked at Ellen and asked, "Ellen, have you considered what you might want to do?" 

"A little. The idea of driving doesn't appeal to me. Joe always does that so I can look around and see things. I think that I want to fly someplace and maybe stay in a residence hotel for a while and look around. If I don't like it, then I can rent a car and move on to another place. I think I would feel more comfortable doing that." 

"Sounds good to me. Joe, do you have any comments?" 

"Only about security for her. Some places can be dangerous." 

"Good point. Ellen?" 

"I thought a little about that and thought that I would stay in the safer areas if I can. I won't stay at a place where I don't feel safe. I will also ask for a second floor room if possible." 

"That brings up the second suggestion. Whatever you do, it will cost some money. We suggest that you decide on a budget and set aside an equal amount of money for each of you to use. It shouldn't break the bank, but you should each expect that the other will spend it all even if they don't. In short, you each will have and spend the money anyway you want and there will be no repercussions. Comments?" 

This was my question. "We haven't talked about this, but I don't want there to be any restrictions on Ellen. Off the top of my head, I am thinking that we will put a million dollars in an account for each of us. We probably won't spend it, but if the opportunity arises, I don't want to limit it because of a few dollars." 

Both Susan and Harold looked on in surprise. "That is very generous, Joe. Are you sure that this won't hurt you financially?" Harold asked. 

"Let me put it this way; if we each blew a million dollars a year for the rest of our lives, we would have to live to be 180 to spend it all. This won't break the bank." 

They looked at Ellen who was smiling and then said, "Joe is right; however, both of us have been frugal for most of our lives together. I expect that neither of us will come close to spending that much. I like the idea of having that freedom for both of us for the same reason that Joe said." 

Susan then said, "That should take care of that one very nicely. Let's move on to the next one which we touched on it yesterday and that is sex. Both of you are young and will be feeling sexual wants and needs. You will also probably face plenty of opportunities since both of you are very attractive for many reasons. Do you want to put a limit on potential sexual contact with others? You can or you can leave it open. The important thing to remember that whatever you decide, each of you will be responsible for your own actions. Comments?" 

I had thought about it last night before I fell asleep and knew what I was going to say, but I wanted to hear Ellen first. 

"I only gave that a moment's thought, but here is my reaction. Neither of us has been with anyone else since we met in college twenty years ago. I probably wouldn't recognize if a guy was hitting on me and Joe probably wouldn't either unless the woman walked up to him and said 'fuck me.'" That brought a laugh from everyone. "However, I know that both of us have good libidos. I probably won't go looking for anyone, but I am not going to put any restrictions on Joe." 

"Joe?" 

"I also only thought about it briefly and I realized that she too will have opportunities and even if she said that she wouldn't recognize it, I feel certain that she would recognize a pass if someone attractive made one. Like her, I am not going to look for it, but it may very well happen. I also don't want to put any restrictions on her. I guess that I should add that I might be disappointed if she came back with a three month old child in her arms, but that wouldn't be a deal killer. It would bother me if she fell head over heels for someone else, but if that happens, I think I could find happiness in the knowledge that she was happy with someone better than me. So I stick with the no restrictions." 

"Ellen, do you have a response for Joe?" 

"Honey, I am on birth control pills and I will stay on them. On the other hand, the same holds true of you. If you fall for someone else, I don't want you to hide it. Bring her back and let me meet her. I damn sure want to makes sure that she is good enough for you. I can live with that." 

"Joe, any response to Ellen?" 

"Sure; Ellen, I love you. What's next?" 

"We have hit all of the major things. So what is important for you to ask?" 

Ellen quickly asked, "When are we supposed to start this?" 

"That is up to you. When you can look at each other and say that you are ready, that is when it is time." 




Surviving Retirement



I added, "What is in it for the two of you? I assume that we will pay for the session yesterday and today and perhaps along the way, but that seems small compared to what I assume will be your efforts." 

Harold answered for both of them. "Thank you for thinking about us, but we won't be charging you anything for this. You are giving us a unique opportunity too." 

"Explain." 

Susan continued, "We told you that there has been very little research on this type of situation, but there are more people living the same experience that you are and there will be more to come. We would like to ask for a couple of things in return which will help us understand what you are going through and how you make your discoveries. This will help us help others. When we get enough data, we will probably write a book about it and share it with others and with our colleagues. Of course, anything we say about you will be anonymous. So we want to share your experiences as you find them. We would like to have you keep a journal or diary. We don't need to have a daily diary or a travelogue, but if you can write down some of your discoveries weekly or every other week and e-mail it to us, we would love to read about your lives. We will also act as your go between if you need to contact the other one. It should go without saying that if you get in trouble or fall into a deep funk, call us. Either we will come to you or ask for you to come in for a day or two visit." 

I asked one last question, "How will we know when to end it?" 

"I said that it is time to start when you can look at each other and say that you are ready. The same holds true when you can tell us that you are ready to come home. We will contact the other one and see where he or she is and see when we can have both of you to come in to talk it over. If neither of you get to that point, in one year from the day you start, we will want for you both to come in and talk face to face. If you want to continue being apart and both of you agree, then we will continue. If you can't agree, then we will need to discuss other options." 

"That sounds good to me. Ellen, do you have anything else to ask?" 

"No, I need to go home and think about where I want to start and how I am going to do this." 

"Me too." 

Susan said to close our meeting, "I think that what I am seeing and hearing is two people embracing an opportunity and not waffling about what might happen. I like that attitude a lot. When you feel ready to start, come in so we can confirm that you are ready." 

All of us stood up and shook hands again. Then we left to go plan step one of the rest of our lives. 

Chapter Three 

We held hands as I drove home. Half way there, she said, "Thank you for the things you said today. You gave me confidence that we were doing the right thing?" 

"I don't know what I could have said." 

"I know and it so like you. You answered the questions like you were looking at the coffee table. You didn't see beyond that to see the reinforcement that you gave me. I wasn't worried about the money, but you saying what you did, just helped me see that you really meant it and that I could do what I wanted without asking permission. That meant a lot. Then when you talked about sex, you did the same thing. It wasn't about anything particular except when you said about me coming home with a baby. You said that it wouldn't be a deal killer. Do you know how special it made me feel that I could make a mistake like that and know that we could still work things out. And I meant what I said about you too. If you did fall for someone, I want you to bring her back and let me meet her. I won't yell and scream and throw things. I just want to know who is important in your life. The last thing that was important is when you asked how we would know when it is over. That told me that this was just a temporary thing like a business trip. You would be coming home regardless of the baggage either of us might bring along. That was an important feeling for me to hear." 

"I guess I need to start listening to myself better. I didn't realize that I said so much." 

"I know and that is what is so beautiful about you. You answer from the heart and don't realize it. I know that it isn't contrived or forced." 

"So what is your plan to get ready?" 

"I was thinking about that during parts of the talk. I want to decide on a place to go. I need a place to start. When I do that, I'll make reservations. I have already decided that I will travel fairly light, maybe two suitcases. I will buy anything I need along the way. I'm not sure, but I might buy a car along the way if decide to move around very much. I hate rental cars. We can keep it later or sell it or something. Other than that, I don't plan on doing much else. What about you?" 

"Mostly the same. I thought about getting a pickup truck, but now I think I may get one of those campers built on a heavy duty truck frame. That way I can stop and stay where I want to and not just in a town with a hotel. If I decide to stay someplace for more than overnight, I will probably stay in a hotel though. I am only going to take jeans and khakis and some pull over shirts and buy what I need like you will be doing. Other than that, I just need to pay our homeowners association dues for the year and turn off the utilities. Then I want to make the arrangements with the bank. Instead of setting up more accounts, I think that I will just get ATM cards on the one we have. There is ten million there and if we go over what I said, it is no big deal. I'll have them put some kind of security check on them so that they can't be stolen or something. That is about it. I guess we need to tell our parents something before we leave." 

"Yes, I thought about that too. Let's do it before we figure out our first destination. We can just tell them that we are going to travel independently and look for another business to start or buy. That will satisfy them, I think." 

"I agree. Let's make it a joint call tonight and get that done. Basically, we can probably start next week." 

"I like that idea." 

So that was our plan; it took us just a drive home to formulate a plan that would carry us for a year. 

We called Susan and Harold the next week and told them that we wanted to meet the following Tuesday morning. They were a little surprised, but quickly agreed. As the week went on, we added a couple more things to our lists. I bought each of us a new top of the line laptop with all of the software that we liked to use. We each went separately to a cell phone store and bought new phones with new numbers which we weren't going to share with each other. The temptation to talk to each other would be too great. I picked up my camper on Monday morning and had it loaded with my things and Ellen's suitcases. All she told me was that her flight was at one. I would drop her off at the airport on my way out of town. That night we made intense love after we had cleaned up everything and gotten rid of the remaining food in the kitchen. In the morning, we stopped and ate breakfast on the way to Susan and Harold's office. 

Our meeting with them was short. Susan asked if we were ready. We both looked at each other and then at them and said "Yes." Then we each gave them an envelope with our new phone numbers and e-mail addresses on it plus our parents names and phone numbers if an emergency arose. They gave us each a binder with some articles that they thought might be important for us. The last words they said was, "We are eager to read your journals. Be safe." Then we left. 

When we got to the airport, I dropped her off at one of the check in stands and before she got out, I took her in my arms and kissed her. Then I said, "That is not a good bye kiss. That is a 'Have a safe journey' kiss. The next one will be you 'Welcome back' kiss." 

"See you did it again. You spoke from your heart and you told me reams about what is coming. I have this feeling that when we are done, we will come back together. We will have changed, but it will be for the better and we can enhance each other even more than before. Drive carefully and don't forget me." 

"Not a chance." She got out and walked into the terminal and when the door was shut behind her; I drove out of the airport and turned west. 

That night I stopped in one of the commercial campgrounds for the first time. It was neat and tidy and the hook ups were easy. They had a small store for odds and ends and I bought a few things, but I had eaten an hour before I pulled in. For the most part, I expected to eat breakfast and dinner in restaurants and lunch on the road. Since I had only taken one road trip in my life when I was in high school, I didn't have much experience in how to do these things. I would learn on the way. I did have a bottle of wine which I opened and poured myself a glass. I had never been much of a television junkie, so I put some cds in the player and listened to music as I reorganized some things. 

Finally, at 9:00, I took out my new laptop and booted it up. I clicked on the word processor and I was staring at the rest of my life: a blank page. 

Then I wrote: 

May 1, Day 1 Somewhere in west Texas. I didn't pay attention to the name of the town I passed through last. 

Nine hours ago, I put Ellen on a plane to I don't know where. My last words to her after I gave her a kiss were, "That is not a good bye kiss. That is a 'Have a safe journey' kiss. The next one will be a 'Welcome back' kiss." Do I really believe that? Or do I just want to believe that. She has been literally next to me every single day of my life for the past twenty years. The number of nights that we haven't slept next to each other is probably less than a dozen. Every night ended with a kiss and the next day started with one. Today, I gave her a good night kiss and I don't know for sure when I will be able to give her a good morning kiss again. I guess it will be May 1, 365 days from now. 

For the first 100 miles I kept telling myself that I was the biggest fucking idiot on the planet. Why didn't I just cut my right arm off and put it on a plane? Ellen was my right arm and I was her left. They always held each other. It wasn't like it was a security blanket or a pacifier; it was simply that they belonged together. 

The next hundred miles was less bizarre but perhaps more telling. I was watching the highway. Literally, I was focusing on the highway. I passed through towns and ranch land and never saw anything but the road. Then I began noticing the turn offs to other roads. Where did they go? Why didn't I turn off and follow that road instead of the road I was on. An image came to mind of a spider web. Each thread went from somewhere to somewhere else but wherever you were, you could always go back to where you started. One thread would lead to another and then another and eventually, you would come back to where you started. I saw that the spider web was like the highway. I could turn off anywhere, but I could always get back to the road I was on. That idea made me feel good until something jumped into the middle of image. It was the damn spider. You had to go around the spider to get back and the spider was always moving and she was quick. I forced myself to shut that image off. I don't want to become acquainted with the spider. 

Now I am sitting somewhere that I don't know where; I am alone. I don't have my right arm. The sun will come up in the morning and I won't give or get a good morning kiss. I don't even know if I will sleep tonight. I mean why? We sleep to prepare us for tomorrow. Tomorrow is just a way for twenty four hours to click off on the clock. 

Good fucking night. 

May 4, Day 4, Somewhere in Arizona, I think. 

Ok, the spider web got me to turn off the highway. Well, actually I just turned off onto another highway. I went to a place that I had heard of, but had never been to. It is called Cloudcroft and I had a strange feeling when I got there. I was driving through the desert and it was hot. I was wearing shorts and a tee shirt when I turned off. I drove up this mountain about twenty miles and came to this great looking village. It looked like it would be an interesting place to have lunch. I parked and got out of the truck and nearly froze to death. It must have been in the 40s and there were patches of snow on the ground. I had gone from May and 90 degrees to February and 40 degrees in less than thirty minutes. I know that it was the mountain, but it seemed like time had gone backwards three months. I didn't eat there. I drove the thirty minutes back down and it was May again. I was where I should be. Still, I am going to put this on a list of places I want to share with Ellen. Maybe we can come in the summer and then again in the winter. That would be different. 

The next day I was in Taos, not the town itself but the Pueblo outside of town. Everyone talks about how fascinating the mud and adobe building is and it is interesting but, it is just a building. What caught my eye were two women; it looked like they were mother and daughter or something. The older woman sat and ground corn into meal while the other one mixed some oil and water with the meal and made a paste. She patted it between her hands and then put it on a rock in an oven. A few minutes later, she turned it over. Then she took it out and put it in a bowl on top of the oven to keep warm and she did it again. I must have watched them for thirty minutes. I was fascinated that there was a bag of corn kernels and a woman did something and it was corn meal. A minute later, the meal was a paste and then a piece of like pie dough and then it was a tortilla. Two women turned corn kernels into a tortilla while I watched them do it. Amazing! There was no way that the kernels would ever be anything but kernels until these two women working effortlessly turned them into something else. The younger woman noticed me watching them and handed me one of the warm tortillas. I will never eat a store bought tortilla ever again. I may have to learn how to do that myself, but damn that was good. 

This morning, I stood on the rim of the Grand Canyon. It really is impressive, but it is also just a hole in the ground cut by a big creek. I wonder if in a couple of million years the Trinity River will look like that. Probably not; there are too many tires in it for erosion to do much. 

So I am in a road side park tonight trying to decide if I will go north or west tomorrow. I even cooked something on my stove tonight. I ate half of it and threw the rest away. I'll get breakfast early tomorrow. I am thinking I will go north. If I go west, by tomorrow night I will run out of land and be staring at the world's biggest bathtub. I'm not ready for a bath yet. 

May 7, Day 7, Anywhere but Las Vegas 

I stopped in Las Vegas and wasted twenty four hours of my life in total frustration. What a waste of time, energy, and money. I got there at ten in the morning and drove around for an hour and was thoroughly unimpressed. It looks like a dusty city with no reason to exist. I checked onto one of the hotels; not one of the big ones on the strip, but a smaller one near downtown. I went to the room and fell asleep. I woke up after dark and looked outside. It was like someone had built a new place while I was sleeping. I couldn't see any dust because of all of the lights. I walked down the street to find a restaurant and all I found was restaurants that you had to walk past slot machines to get to a table. There were Laundromats that had slot machines in them. Even the grocery stores had them. I finally found a place to eat; I think that I will eat my own cooking from now on. 

I wandered around and decided that if I want to start another business, I am going to set up a table on a street corner with a sign that says "Chance of a Lifetime." When someone comes up, I'll tell him to give me a dollar and when I get fifty dollars, I will give one of them twenty five dollars. I'll bet that at least one person will give me fifty dollars and when I give him twenty five back, he will walk away happy with his good luck. 

I left the next morning. I added another column on my list of places to share with Ellen a place for places to avoid. There is now one place on that list. 

I checked the map and north is just more desert, so I turned west again. That afternoon I was in California and was driving passed rows and rows of tomatoes and other crops. Hell, this was still the desert, but it grew the things that we eat every day and never think a thing about it. I stopped and spent some time just looking at a row of beautiful tomatoes and was entranced until a man walked up to me. He asked if I was lost. I told him that I was just looking at how nice his tomatoes looked. He asked if I was a gardener. I told him that the only thing I could grow was dead plants. He laughed. 

Then he told me something that I am still thinking about. He said that there was nothing he or I could do to make something grow. I looked at him wondering what he meant. 

Then he said, "I buy a bag of seeds and plant them. They won't do a damn thing until they are ready. I can feed them, water them, sing to them, and nothing will happen until the temperature is right. Then they will grow. If it rains regularly, they will grow and bear fruit. If no one picks them, they with ripen, wither, and then fall off back onto the ground. If the flowers were pollinated, next year they will grow again when the temperature is right. They will keep on doing that for a long time all by themselves. The only things I can do are to help them out a little. If it doesn't rain, I can water them. If it gets too hot, I can put a shade over them. When the fruit is ripe, I can pick them and give you something to eat or the birds will eat them. That's all I can do. That's all any of us can do to get a plant to grow. It is like we are a junior partner with Mother Nature. Nature does all of the hard work; we just take care of a few details." I'm not sure what this means, but I am thinking about it. 

You wanted a journal of my journey. Here is the first week. I don't know what in here makes sense, but this is what I have seen and done. 

I read over what I had written that week and made a couple changes and corrections. I had survived my first week. That is a good thing, I guess. I wondered how Ellen's first week went. I put that question away. When I let myself think about her, I miss her. When I just look at what is in front of me, I can get by. I think that I will just make notes each day and write up the whole week on Saturday. I am sure that they don't want to read all my ramblings. 

May 8, Week 2, On the coast in southern Washington 

Ok, week 2 is under my belt. I came up through the wine country and stopped at a number of wineries. They all pretty much look the same. It is odd that they all grow the same grapes, using the same soil and water, and yet the wine they produce is all different. I mean it is mostly the same, but one tastes fruity and another tastes nutty. Some are sweet and others are tart. I now have three cases in the camper. I'm going to make notes on each one as I drink them and see what I can tell about them. 

I had an interesting moment in Oregon on Thursday. I stopped for lunch in a village on the coast and afterwards I walked down the beach for a ways and came on a group of big canoes on the shore. This guy was sitting there repairing one. I stopped to watch him work. I gueseds that he was a native because he was working on a wooden canoe and was tying a seat back into place with reed. I wondered why he was doing that when he could use nylon and it would last forever. 




Surviving Retirement



He noticed me standing there and looked up. "Can I help you?" 

"Thanks, no. I was just watching you work. You don't see people repairing things like that way anymore." 

"I know. We do it for two reasons. The first is that this is the best way to keep the boats working and the other is that it the way we have always done it." 

"Why is that the best way?" 

He put his tools down and explained that with the natural materials like wood, you needed a flexible material to stretch and shrink at the same rate as the wood. Modern materials stretch when you don't want them too and don't stretch when you need them too. He also said that if they were out fishing and something broke, all they had to do was go to the shore to get the repair material. If they used anything else, they would have to go to the hardware store to get something to repair it. That made perfect sense. 

I asked what they fished for and he said that there were several species that they ate, but they were basically waiting for the salmon to start running. Salmon was their important fish. The flesh was healthier and the bones could be used for many things around the village. 

Then I said something inane like, "You must need to catch a lot of fish to have a boat this big." 

He replied, "We don't need to catch that many fish really. We need a big boat because it takes three of us to go out." 

I said something like "Why is that?" 

He grinned at me and replied, "If I take this or a smaller boat out, once I get to the current, I will be swept up the coast for five miles or more. If two of us go out, we can control the boat in the current, but we can't catch fish. So we go with three and we can catch fish and not get too far from the village." That made me think about all of the things we had to do daily just to do something as simple as getting groceries. 

In the past week I had heard about a farmer being a partner with nature to get something to eat. Now here was a fisherman who needed three people to partner together to overcome nature to catch a fish. Were we partners with or against nature? I don't know. Partnering with Ellen had been the natural way for us to do things. Could I have done what we had done by myself? I know the answer of course, and it is no. 

I like it up here. The air smells fresh and clean. There are a lot of people in the cities; they are just like all other cities, but with different names. I have a lot to think about this week. I think that I will drive up into Canada and see if it is much different there. 

I read it over and sent it off. Maybe life is all about partnerships. We aren't the biggest animal or the fastest or the strongest by any means. The only way we can even eat is to partner with someone or something. Sometimes you partner with nature, sometimes with one person, and sometimes it is with a bunch of people. I guess that it depends on what you want or need to do. 

May15, Week 3, Back in Central Washington 

I have added Seattle to my list of places to share with Ellen. What a wonderful and vibrant city. I know that it is the heart of the computer industry, but you can't tell. Everywhere you go, there are people doing exciting things. There are artists in the parks and music. The market place isn't just a place for tourists; real people shop for dinner there. It is alive and vibrant like no other place I have ever been to. 

I took the ferry out to the islands. It is very pastoral after the vibrancy of the city. It felt strange knowing that I was on an island. If the ferry doesn't run, there is no way to get off of it. People build bridges and ferries to be able to move around. That is a nice partnership for sure. 

I discovered that Canada is just like it is here; some pretty places and a lot of people doing things. It is nice, but not quite up to the level of Seattle. 

I am getting antsy. I get up and eat, drive, look, eat, and go to bed. I need to do something. I might just stay around here for a couple of days. It is a nice small town and there seems to be a lot to see and maybe do around here. Maybe I'll do what Susan mentioned and get a job for a while. I've never had this much time on my hands before with nothing to do and nothing to look forward to. I know that Ellen wouldn't be bored around here. She would find something interesting around every turn. 

May 22, Week 4 Still in Washington 

I have something to do! It isn't a job exactly, but it is a job of sorts and it is very satisfying. I'm almost embarrassed to admit this because, well, it was just dumb luck and is something I have never done before. Ok, here goes. After I sent the e-mail last week, I wasn't tired so I went down to the club in the hotel. It wasn't big or crowded, but I felt that I could have a quiet drink. I didn't realize it, but they were going to have live music that night. I decided that if it was ear shattering, I would leave. I was surprised when two young women, girls actually, came out and sang. 

One girl played the guitar and the other just sang. They mainly sang oldies like Cole Porter and George Gershwin and I loved it. One girl sang several solos, but mostly they sang duets and their voices blended together very well. I guessed that they were college girls, but they were really good. When they finished, I had been listening for almost two hours and it felt like it had only twenty minutes or so. I bought one of their cds to listen to on the road. The blonde actually seemed surprised when I bought it, but thanked me. I think they sold another five of six. I went to bed feeling very relaxed and slept better than any night since I left. 

I had decided to stay locally for some time and had made reservations for the next week. When I went down for breakfast the next morning, I found the two singers sitting there for breakfast too. They looked concerned and were just nibbling at their food. I went to their table and told them how much I had enjoyed their show last night. The blonde smiled at me thanked me for being there and for buying their cd. The dark haired girl looked up and smiled too, but she seemed to be very worried. I got my breakfast from the buffet and sat at the table next to them. 

I was just finishing when the dark haired girl's phone rang. She listened and I saw tears forming in her eyes. All she could say was, "Thank you; I'll let you know." Then she turned to the blonde with tears running down her face and said, "I'm sorry, Cindi. That bump we heard yesterday knocked hole in the oil pan and the engine is ruined." 

Cindi took her partner's hand and said, "Hey, it will be all right, Megan. We'll figure something else out." 

Megan said, "Honey, we have just enough money to cover our expenses for this trip. I can't fix the van. Your dad said that he couldn't help. We are stuck. We can't finish our first tour and we can't even get back to school. We both needed this to make enough to finish school next year." 

"I know, but something will come up. I just know it." 

That was my cue, "Hi ladies. I couldn't help but overhear your problem. My name is Joe Magnon and I am just traveling around. Can I take you somewhere or help out in some way?" 

Megan said in a morose tone, "Thanks, but I don't know..." 

Cindi interrupted her, "Meg, let's talk to him. We need help; he offered." Then she looked at me and asked, "Do you have any ideas?" 

"Right now, I have two. First, both of you take a deep breath and let it out. Then go get another plate of breakfast and while you eat, you can tell me what is going on. Then we will figure out what to do next." 

They both stared at me and then they each took a breath and let it out before going to get another plate of food. I took their now cold plates and put them on my table. While they ate, Cindi said that they were seniors in college and both majoring in music. Her dad had lost his job and hadn't been able to find work and Megan was on scholarship,but wanted to make her own spending money. 

They were looking for a way to make some money this summer and found that the hotel chain was auditioning singers for their summer tours. The big one lasted all summer and paid $10,000. The smaller tour lasted five weeks in smaller places and would pay them $2000 each at the end. They decided to audition together. They didn't get the big tour, but were asked to do the short tour. They decided that they would do it because they could make about the same money this way as working in a fast food place. Last night was their first performance, but now that their transportation was gone, it would also be their last. They needed to do something about the van and find a way to get back to the campus. 

I let them finish eating before I said anything. When they both looked at me for a response, I simply said, "Ok, make a choice; we load your stuff and I take you back to campus or we load your stuff and go to your next gig." 

They were now staring at me. Then they started debating back and forth about what they should do. I stopped it and said, "You are both dancing around the issue. A strange man has offered you something and you are afraid that he will want something in return that you might not want to give. Put that away. I sold my business and am driving around trying to figure out what I am going to do when I grow up. I have a vehicle, I have time, and I have nothing better to do. I will take you where you need to go this week. Then you can decide whether to trust me or not. How about that?" 

The only response was from Megan and she asked, "Are you sure?" I said, "Let's load your things." 

I took them to the next gig which was that night. As we talked while I was driving, they told me that they had an odd schedule. Several times, they did one place and we had to drive the next day to the next place. Several other times, they stayed for two shows, usually over a weekend. There were two weeks where they were scheduled for a Sunday night and not again until Friday. The deal was that the night of the performances, the hotel gave them a room to share and meals. When there was an open date, they had to pay for their own room and meals. This week, they had performances on Tuesday and Wednesday, a day off, and then performances on Friday and Saturday. We would have to deal with a room for one night. 

I helped them set up for the night after they checked into the room. I decided to get a room for myself even though I could have slept in the camper. That night I watched their performance again, but this time, I felt like I was part of the team. As I watched, I noticed a couple of things to ask about even though the audience was very positive and responsive. We each had a glass of wine from my stash in their room as they wound down. 

The next morning, they started talking about whether to stay here on their free night or going on to the next one and staying there. Cost was a key part of the discussion. I waited for a break before I said anything. Then I said that we could do either of those or we could stop tonight and stay in the camper with me sleeping on the table converted into a bed and they could have the bedroom. I also suggested that we could stay here or there and I would get a room and they could stay in the camper and they could save that money. I told them to think about it. I went to the restroom and when I came back, Cindi said, "We all stay in the camper tonight at a park near the other town. But we stop and get some groceries so we can cook dinner and breakfast. Deal?" I replied, "Deal." 

We loaded up and drove toward the next place. They cooked dinner for us and it was better than any restaurant food. They giggled at me as I turned the table into a bed. In the morning, I decided that the bed created by the table was a bad idea. They had laughed at me when I could barely stand up the next morning. 

I can tell that they are relaxing around me as we began teasing each other a little. Then they started asking questions; lots of questions. I knew that it was coming and it did. They wanted to know about my wife since I still wore our wedding ring. I simply said that we were separated for now. I'm not going to take my ring off for any reason and I was'nt going to explain what was really going on. I just told them the truth, if not the whole truth, and that seemed to satisfy them. 

I asked why Cindi sang solos while Megan didn't. It is obvious that they both has really nice voices. It turns out that Megan is majoring in classical music and opera while Cindi is majoring in Broadway musical theater. Megan wasn't sure if a classical voice and songs would go over well in a club setting. I said that she ought to try it at least once. There were plenty of opera singers doing modern songs and the audience loved them. They said that they would talk about it. I Ieft that subject alone for now. 

Look at the time. I have written twice as much as I intended to. I need to get down stairs and help them get ready for tonight's show. 

I ran downstairs and found them ready to go. On a whim, I took a small round bar table and set it on the stage. Then I put a chair next to it along with an empty wine bottle and two glasses with water in them. When they saw it, it took a moment for them to realize that I had added that to make it look like a cabaret. Now Megan could sit while Cindi did her solos. I couldn't tell if that made any difference to the audience, but I could sense a slight change in their attitude. There was a slightly more sultry sound to their songs. Something else caught my eye and I decided to do something about it on Monday which was our next off day. 

May 29, Week 5, On the road in Washington 

This is going to be a hard one to write. Before I begin, I got your reply e-mail and sent the cd by mail the next day. I hope you like it. 

We finished our stay and then had three days off. After talking about it, they decided that we would stay at a commercial camp ground since they needed to do some laundry. It was near the next town they where they were to sing. The first night there, after dinner, we made coffee and they both looked at me and said, "You keep giving us choices; we are going to give you a choice. You aren't going to sleep on that table bed again. You are too long for it. So you can sleep with both of us in the bed or you can pick one of us to sleep with and the other one will sleep out here." 

I tried to suggest that I would get a hotel room for them or for me; they refused to let me pay for them or to sleep alone in the camp. Finally, I agreed that the three of us would try to sleep together for one night and see how it worked. They both wore nightshirts and I slept in my underpants and a tee shirt. It was cozy for sure, but we all slept well. I stayed on one side and they slept mostly snuggled together. The next morning they announced that this was now our normal sleeping arrangement on the road. I couldn't find fault with their decision. It was still cool in the evenings in the mountains. 

The next night was fine, but the third night they decided that I would sleep in the middle so they could each snuggle with me. That night I was mostly asleep and snuggling with Cindi, but I felt like I was holding Ellen. I...I just rolled her on her back and made love to her just like I did with Ellen. I was in heaven until she wrapped her legs around my waist and said, "Oh yes, finally." It was too late for me and we both had an orgasm. When I finished, I felt really guilty even when Cindi kissed me and said that we both needed that. I certainly needed it and it was very good. It just wasn't Ellen. 

I thought that Megan slept through the whole thing. I was wrong. In the morning, she rolled over to face me and kissed me. Then she said, "It's my turn now." She had me out and ready in a flash and I made love to her also. I still felt guilty, but I couldn't blame either of them. I started it and they are very cute and desirable. We talked about it when we had coffee. I told them what I felt. They both said that if Ellen left me alone like this for that long, she couldn't expect me do without. 

I couldn't explain our arrangement and that she had given me permission. It was all about my commitment to myself. They also both said that they needed attention too because their boyfriends were gone for the summer. We agreed that we would just take care of ourselves during the rest of the trip unless someone had a problem with it. I feel a little guilty still, but I also feel good about being with both of them. They are young and very alive. They make me feel alive again. 

On that morning, they went to the store and I called Rachael, who we bought one of our businesses from. I felt that she could help me with an idea. She was glad to hear from me and asked about Ellen. I briefly told her what we were doing. She just said that it made sense. Then I asked her about an elegant, sort of sultry gown for the girls to wear while singing. She asked about them and their sizes and we talked about the kind of music they sang. She also asked me to send her a picture of them. I told her that the only picture I had was the one on the cd cover. I sent her a copy of the cd by overnight delivery. She promised to find something and she would get back to me. 

She e-mailed me back and said that I was right; they looked so young like modern girls, but the music demanded an elegant look. She also loved the cd. She asked where she should have things sent. I told her to just tell me where to order them from and I would get them. She replied, "After what you and Ellen did for me, the least I can do is help you out with this. Where are you going to be?" I told her about a hotel where we would be for three days this coming weekend. She said to be on the lookout for somepackages. I didn't know how Cindi and Megan would react, but I felt that keeping their image consistent with the sound of the music would help a lot. 

Then we got busy again and I put this on hold for the rest of the week. Thursday, we checked into the hotel for the weekend. I paid for the extra night. They wanted to get their hair and nails done for the weekend because they had three shows to do.They were excited because this was the biggest hotel they had been to yet and it was supposed to be almost full. I hadn't heard anything from Rachael yet. If I didn't hear anything, by the next morning, I would call her and see if the dresses were en route. 

We had just finished breakfast when I heard someone enter the restaurant and say something to the hostess and then a very pregnant Rachael was standing next to me. She said, "Hi Joe; I am so excited to see you. And you must be Cindi and Megan. Which one is which?" I saw a man come in carrying a several hanging bags and a box, which he set down by the wall next to us. I recognized him as Rachael's husband, Randall. I stood up and we greeted each other with smiles. Cindi and Megan had recovered from their shock and straightened out who was who. 

I looked at both Rachael and Randall and asked, "What are you two doing here?" Randall explained that he had a meeting in Seattle today and that Rachael wanted to come along and see us. He was going to be back for the show tonight. Then he asked me if I had heard the latest rumor about JoEllen. I said that if it was bad, I didn't want to know. I still felt good things about my time there. He said that it wasn't bad. The new owners didn't want a string of boutiques and a manufacturer so they had that part up for sale. He was working with a buyer to raise the money to buy it. I simply said that it could be a good buy if he kept its focus. Then Randall excused himself to continue on to Seattle. They had flown in on their company jet.