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Finding Home Ch. 01

By: Xantu



Her legs ached from kneeling on so long on the hard wood floor of his dimly lit den. He had been speaking for a long time but she could no longer absorb the words. He was sending her away. 

"Child, I am sending you to a friend of mine. He is a very good man. He has agreed to help me with something. You will treat him with all the respect and obedience you give me."

What had she done wrong? She struggled to be exactly the woman he wanted. She tried so hard to understand why he was sending her away to this man. This man, who was now her Master, had come to her when she was alone, wandering lost in the wind. He had given her a reason to live. She had lost herself in his world. He had tested her devotion to him in myriad ways. She had endured pain and learned his perfect grace. She had given up her name, her voice, her heart and her soul to him and he was sending her away.

Her heart was bleak. Her mind was a jumble of thoughts. Her throat tight with unshed tears. He disdained tears without a good reason. The only reason he accepted was pain. One of her first lessons was stoicism. He demanded she remain silent through even the most exacting of tests. He would say that he preferred see her pleasure and her pain in her eyes. If she could remain silent, he would sometimes hold her afterwards gazing deeply into her eyes.

His words penetrated her mind again. "You will go to your apartment. You will wait there until you get a package. Open the package, read the letter inside. Follow the instructions. Go home now." 

A silent scream of anguish tore through her sanity. To be sent away from the refuge of his home, sent to the empty cold gray of her former life was a punishment of the worst sort. He forced her to keep the tiny efficiency apartment and used it as the ultimate threat of abandonment. 'You can always just go back to your apartment if you don't like it here. Apartment was her safe word. The one time she had used it he had sent her home to wait. She had waited there in despair for days before he called her to come back to him. 

She nodded mutely and crept to the door. Her hands shook as she slowly pulled on the simple black dress she wore for the few times she went out. The soft fabric slipped easily over her nude skin, falling to her feet. She slipped her feet into the soft slippers and hooded floor length cape. Turning she looked back at him. He sat still, looking at her. A still white ghost in the darkened room. His face expressionless. His voice was cool and neutral, "Make me proud."

Her knees shook, almost betraying her. A thousand words shrieked in her mind but she had not spoken in his presence in months. Shy and reluctant to speak throughout her life, it had been an easy task to embrace silence, to retreat into speechlessness. Now it was a habit deeply ingrained. She could not prevent the strangled sound that welled up deep in her chest as she stumbled out the front door.

As the front door shut behind her she hesitated in the bright sun, dazzled after the dim light of his house. A bright yellow taxi waited in the drive. As she forced her feet to walk she heard his piano crash to life, harsh chords clashing and shaking the air. She could no longer hold back her tears, he always turned to his piano when he turned his back to her.

She waited an eternity in her apartment. She huddled in tiny ball on her bed, hiding in the darkness of the blankets, hiding in the grayness of her mind, hardly aware of the passage of time. 

He had said for her to come here and wait. She lay in the grayness, floating, feeling nothing, thinking nothing, waiting. It was hard to pull herself back to the stark empty light of the tiny apartment when the insistent pounding on her door demanded her response. The delivery man was clearly in a hurry, his thoughts on the clock and his next place to be. He did not seem to notice her at all as she signed with a shaky hand. 

The package was wrapped in brown paper. It had a return address of the Wanderbourne Clinic. It was not large, it contained a white blouse, a black skirt, a white garter belt with matching white silk stockings, and a pair of white heels. 

The letter was short. "Wear only what you find in the box. Wear no make up, jewelry or perfume. Report Tuesday, June 2, at 9:00. A taxi will pick you up at 8:30 am." And an address. She looked at her cell phone to determine the day. Tuesday was tomorrow. She stood looking at the tiny piece of technology in her hand. She had never used it to make a phone call. Her Master had insisted she carry it the few times she left his apartment. She idly wondered what his number was. 

She rose early. She bathed meticulously as if she was at her masters house. The blouse was tight, heavy cotton. It hugged tightly to her small breasts and slender waist. She was unsure if she should button it to the neck or not. She opted for leaving only the top button undone. The skirt was pencil thin, but long reaching down below her knees. A long line of small buttons ran down a seam along the side. The garter and stockings fit perfectly as did the shoes. The low white heels had rubber on the bottom of their soles so they were very quiet when she walked in them. She wasn't sure what to do with her hair but the lack of make up and the conservative cut of the clothes seemed to call for something simple. She chose a knot of her fine blond hair on the top of her head. 

She arrived early, the taxi dropping her off in front of a forbidding stone house with a high stone fence surrounding an overgrown garden. She carefully checked the time on her cell phone and at exactly 8:55 she rang the intercom at the high gate. A woman's voice came over the speaker. "Miss Cassy?"

Her voice was soft and unsure. She had not spoken to another person in a long time. She had not thought of herself by that name for even longer. "Yes."

"Come up to the house please." The gate clicked and opened slightly. She pushed it open and cringed at the loud screech the hinges made as she opened it and swung it back shut again. The stone walk was wide and led up to a heavy timbered door. It was standing open and a young woman wearing an outfit almost identical to hers was standing watching her walk up. Her dark brown hair was cut in a sassy short cut, that complemented her heart shaped face. Cassy noticed that her blouse was buttoned clear to the top.

"Miss Cassy, you are on time. The Professor appreciates promptness. Please come in. My name is Windy. I am also a client here."

Cassy nodded, not sure what to say, unused to talking. Windy smiled and said, "The Professor said you aren't going to be much of a talker. Thats OK, I talk all the time." She giggled and turned to go in. "Come on in, the Professor wants you to wait in the study until he is ready for you."

Windy led her into a conservatively furnished room. She led her to a table at one side. There was a stack of papers on it and a pen. "The Professor wants you to read and sign all of these. Wait here until he comes to get you." Windy leaned over and whispered, "If you need to pee or what ever there is a bathroom just past that door on the left. He sometimes makes us wait a long time. Something about learning patience." Then she leaned close and briefly kissed Cassy on the lips, her tongue slyly slipping out and dabbing quickly at her lower lip. The soft touch was gone as quickly as it came. Cassy stood statue still, unsure how to react to this sudden intimacy from a stranger. Windy winked, her voice was mischievous, "Maybe we will have a chance to get to know one another, us both being here." She giggled again as she left the room.

Cassy sat down at the table. Her shoulders slumped. She missed her Master terribly. She had no idea why he had sent her here. She picked up the papers and began to read them. All the papers were on letterhead from a Wanderbourne Clinic. The first pages were a contract, stating that she was committing herself to the care of a Dr. Wanderbourne for mental health treatment. It said she consented to sexual therapy, medication as prescribed by Dr. Wanderbourne, and hypnosis. There was a separate sheet where she agreed to not leave the clinic without medical discharge. She signed all the contracts. The rest of the papers were lengthy questionnaires regarding her family, health, sexual, and work history. 

Cassy tried to answer all the questions but most of the family history she did not know the answers for. She had grown up in the foster system and had only no memories of her childhood or biological family. 

She seriously considered lying about her sexuality. She hated to admit how difficult it was for her to orgasm. It was something she felt deeply ashamed about. She knew she failed her Master when she could not come for him when he expected it. She never lied to him, but his demands for silence made it easy to avoid admitting her failure. To openly write down how rarely she was able to come would be an admission of her omissions. 

The echo of her masters words, "respect and obedience," resonated in her heart. She honestly answered that she had not had an orgasm in months and had experienced only a few orgasms in her life. She answered that she did not masturbate, thinking to herself that she was sure her Master would never approve of her playing with herself. She did answer that she did find sexual contact stimulating and that she enjoyed being touched and pleasing her Master. 

She had finished all the papers and sat quietly at the table for almost an hour. The house was eerily silent, except for the quiet ticking of a large mantle clock. She noticed that it did not chime on the hour. 

She got up and quietly moved to use the rest room. It was impeccably clean and very modern in contrast to the obvious age of the house. 

She looked at herself in the mirror. The tight blouse and skirt emphasized how thin she was. Cassy was aware she had been losing weight but was shocked that she looked so bony, almost skeletal. She looked at the girl in the mirror. She was small, only a little taller than five feet, very blond and fair. Without makeup she looked like a little girl more than the twenty two she was. She buttoned the top button of her blouse. The toilet flushing seemed obscenely loud in the silent house. 

Cassy quietly moved back to wait in the study. She did not mind that the Professor was making her wait so long. She was afraid of what was coming. She wondered dimly if she would be able to go back to her Master soon. She sat at the table, her mind wandering, slipping gradually into that soft, dull gray place of nothingness that had been her refuge so often of late. 

She slowly became aware that someone was watching her and turned to see a man standing not far behind her. She did not flinch but was intensely aware of her heart racing at a panicked pace. He was younger than she had anticipated. He was unusually tall, well over six and a half feet tall and very dark. He was not handsome, he had large bony features, and old scars from acne across his cheeks, but his eyes held a deep intensity. His body was angular and thin with large hands and feet. He practically crackled with energy. 

He let her look at him from her seat for a minute before he spoke. "I will expect you to stand when I enter a room." Cassy nodded jerkily and stood. He moved to take the chair she had been sitting at and picked up the papers she had filled out. Cassy stood unsure of what she should do. Her master would have had her kneel but this man was an mystery. She stood and tried not to fidget. She carefully clasped her hands behind her and stared passively at the floor. 

"I will expect you to answer any and all questions promptly and accurately." He carefully looked through the papers. "Foster family?"

"Yes, sir."

"You will address me as Professor, sir."

"Yes, Professor, sir."

"Do you have any contact with any family or friends now?"

"No, Professor, sir."

"I am not surprised. Your Master is a bit of a recluse." Cassy felt her temper stir at this possible criticism of her Master. His voice was distant and clinical, "Your Master was your only sexual relationship. Interesting that you are not orgasmic. We will have to see if that is psychological or physical." 

He stood abruptly. "Follow me." After walking through many hallways, they made their way to what Cassy thought was the back of the house. The hallways seemed more modern. The Professor took a ring of keys from his pocket and opened a door and led her into a modern looking doctor's examination room. There were several very complex looking monitors along one wall. "Take off your clothes and lie down on the examination table."

Cassy quailed at the directive. She had not been naked in front of anyone other than her Master. She slowly began to unbutton her blouse, her face starting to flush red. The professor busied himself putting on a white coat and getting out some tools and items that he laid out on a stainless tray. 

"In the future I will expect you to be more prompt in following my directives." His voice was impatient. Cassy rushed through the rest of her clothes and pulled herself to sit on the edge of the paper of the examining table.

"Lie back." He moved to the side of the table and pulled out two stirrups and guided her feet into them. "Scoot your ass down." The use of the coarse words in such a clinical setting unnerved Cassy. A long shudder of nervousness shook her frame as she adjusted her position. He moved to the sides of the examination table and snapped out two right angled supports and strapped her wrists down. Cassy felt waves of dread but it was not in her nature to resist. He wrapped a belt across her waist. He moved to her feet and tied her feet into the stirrups. Last he got out two straps and tied them around her thighs and tied them down forcing her legs wide apart exposing her completely vulnerable to this man she did not know. 

He ran his hand down the inside of her thigh. "Comfortable?"

Cassy was not sure how to answer. None of the restraints hurt. Her mind was screaming in panic. "Um... No, Professor sir."

"Are you in pain?"

"No, Professor sir."

"That will have to do. We will be here for quite a while. We have a lot of tests to do." He began to attach small electrical monitors to her over her heart, on her head in several places, even a strap to measure her respiration rate. He even placed a blood pressure monitor on her finger tip. 

"I expect you to answer me honestly when I ask you questions." He opened a new drawer and began to pull out more objects. He walked over to her and ran his finger across her chest. "You breasts are very pretty for being small. Your nipples are nicely shaped." He ran a fingernail over the closest one. The tiniest of trembles shook her. He gently rolled her nipple between his fingers. His eyes looking up at the monitor. He suddenly pinched hard and pulled up, sharp pain lancing through her nipple. Cassy was used to pain and lay soft and still, her only response was to close her eyes and to begin to breath softly through her open mouth. 

Cassy kept her eyes closed. She did not make a sound or open her eyes when he moved between her legs. He tested her response to light, medium, even harshly cruel contact to her most tender places. She could sense a distant tingle of warmth when he placed a vibrator against her clitoris. She was floating far away from her body, oddly relaxed, only dimly aware of the touches to her body. 

"Cassy, Stop that."

His words floated up in the wind. Cassy was confused. Stop what? She opened her eyes and blinked at the light. 

He touched her again with the vibrator. "Have you ever used a vibrator to masturbate?" 

Cassy's voice was soft and distant. "No, Professor sir." She closed her eyes again, seeking the quiet distance, the grayness.

"I said for you to stop that."

"I am sorry Professor sir. May I please ask what it is I should stop, sir?"

"This ridiculous zoning out you are doing. Your attention needs to be here. You need to be participating in your therapy, not lost in some kind of trance. If you were any more relaxed you would be asleep. Don't act like you don't know what I mean."

Cassy's lips turned down in fleeting grimace and nodded. 

"Your Master is your first Dom. But he is not the first person to cause you pain is he?"

Cassy began to shiver, long shaking shivers running the length of her bound limbs. A soft silent sob escaped her lips.

"I suspected something like this. You are far too practiced at disassociation. Don't think about it now. This is not the correct time or place to open old wounds. We will talk later when you have gotten more accustomed to being here."

Cassy watched him get out a hypodermic syringe and draw a small amount of clear fluid from a vial. "I am going to give you a mild relaxant. I want you to relax but stay focused on the sensations from your body. There will be no more pain today. You will have no reason to hide yourself away. Stay her with me and focus on the feelings, no thinking, just feeling." His voice was deep and hypnotic. She hardly felt the prick of the needle on her thigh. 

He continued to test her physical responses but demanded she verbally interact with him as he stimulated her. He continually asked her odd questions like what her favorite flavor of ice cream or what languages she spoke as he gently rubbed her clitoris and labia with lotion. Cassy smelled mint. Soon she felt the oddest heat and tingling between her legs. He pressed his fingers deep into her and continued to rub relentlessly at her. She felt like her whole body was tingling. Every sensation seemed to echo endlessly inside her softly spinning mind. She started to hesitate and stammer as she tried to answer his questions.

"I want you to say 'Yes rub it.' every time I touch you like this. Keep saying it until you come or I tell you to stop." His fingers pressed and massaged a firm pressure over and around her clit. His fingers curled and moved inside her. 

Cassy's voice was soft and slurred. "Yes rub it." and had to repeat the phrase quickly as his hand stroked her again. Soon she found she could hardly keep up with the speed of his fingers. Gasping for breath, she kept stumbling over the words. Her limbs strained against her restraints. Cassy went rigid on the table and gritted her teeth strangling down the soft squeak that welled up as she shuddered in a sudden climax.

He watched the monitors and slowed his movements. "Good girl. I knew you could do it. It was a little one. You will learn how to do it better. You just need to stay here and not zone out."

He untied her her, easing her up onto the examination table and gently refastened the belt around her waist. "Can't have you falling off can we." He covered her with a soft blanket and went to look at some of the read outs from the monitors. Cassy lay totally relaxed, her eyes half closed, and watched him. He had a pent up energy to his movements and tended to talk to himself as he busied himself cleaning and putting away the various items he had used on her.

"Normal physiological reactions and abilities. Barriers seem to be purely psychological. Need to do some deep work to see how deep the scars are. Rewards and punishments must be carefully considered. May take longer than I originally had estimated."

Cassy felt a distant pang of worry about the last statement. She wanted to go home. She was not aware when she drifted off to sleep. 

His hand shaking her was gentle but insistent. "Wake up Cassy." She opened her eyes and blinked, a little overwhelmed by his face so close to hers. His eyes were the darkest black and impossible to read. He released the belt around her waist and pulled her to stand. The room spun. She swayed and clutched at his arms. He carefully supported her. "Put on this robe." He was handing her a large soft white terry cloth robe. He pulled a wheel chair over for her to sit in. "You will be a little rocky on your feet for a while longer. It will be safer for you to ride to your room." He put her clothes in her lap and wheeled her out of the room and carefully locked the door behind them. 


Finding Home Ch. 01



 I've been away for awhile, for that, I apologize, but things have been really hectic and I haven't had the time or inspiration to write. Until now. I apologize in advance, but there isn't any sex in this first chapter. I hope you enjoy, as always, comments and emails are always welcome.

Ashira

*

She stood in front of the mirror and studied her reflection; she wore a floor length white silk gown, lace in all the right places and her hair was made up beautifully, a mound of curls placed strategically on her head, a lace veil held up by a diamond tiara. Her blue eyes sparkled with excitement as she thought about the man waiting for her at the end of the aisle. She took a deep breath and prayed that the queasiness she'd been feeling would leave her alone long enough for her to get through the ceremony and reception and would be gone before the honeymoon started. A knock at the door startled her out of her thoughts and she turned, her smile faded when she saw her future father standing in the doorway, a grim expression on his face. "Addie," he began. 

Addie's heart began to pound. "What's wrong Victor?" she asked.

"Cade isn't here Addie," Victor said.

"What? Why?" Addie asked, not wanting to hear the answer.

"I don't know why. He just left a note saying that he had to leave and that he would explain it all to you later," Victor told her. He watched her emotions change as they crossed her face and gave Addie a tight hug. "I'll go let the Rabbi know," he murmured before walking out of the bridal room. Addie turned back towards the mirror and ripped the tiara from her hair, not carrying that the veil tore with a loud ripping sound; it matched the feeling that her heart was breaking.

CHAPTER ONE

"Addie!" a loud voice shouted from behind her. Addie stopped, turned and sighed when she saw her long time friend Cara hurrying towards her. 

"What's up Car?" Addie asked, rubbing her eyes tiredly. She'd had a long day at work and she just wanted to get home. 

"Cade's back," Cara said. Addie gasped, her eyes went wide and she stared at her friend in surprise.

"What?" Addie asked, throat suddenly so dry that it made her hoarse. 

"I saw him outside Starbucks an hour ago," Cara told her friend.

"Why now?" Addie asked. "After all these years," she whispered.

"I don't know," Cara answered.

"Addie!" both girls looked up and Addie groaned when she saw Cade Lincoln taking long strides towards them. 

"What the fuck do you want Cade?" Cara asked for her friend; Addie cast her friend a grateful glance, relieved that her friend was going to stick up to Cade.

"Nice to see you too cousin," Cade said dryly.

"You left Addie high and dry on your wedding day! She's my best friend!" Cara reminded her cousin.

"I know, I'm sorry." Cade turned to Addie, an unreadable expression on his face. "I'm sorry Addie, please forgive me," he murmured.

"Maybe if you'd been in the hospital or something, I could have forgiven you, but not four years later," Addie whispered.

"I didn't want to leave you there. Please, let me take you out to dinner tonight and I'll explain everything," Cade said.

"I can't. I'm exhausted and I have plans," Addie said. Cade opened his mouth to say something but Addie had turned back to Cara. "Car, I'll call you later, okay?" Addie asked. Cara smiled and gave her friend a hug. "You need to hear him out, at least for Asher," Cara whispered. 

"I know," Addie murmured, glanced one last time at Cade before hurrying away.

"What the hell was that about, and who the hell is Asher?" Cade asked. Cara looked up sharply, surprised that her cousin had heard that.

"That's for Addie to tell you," Cara said, her voice equally as sharp. "So, why did you leave?" Cara asked. 

Cade sighed and gave his cousin a hug. "Let's go get some dinner and we'll talk," Cade said finally.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Addie walked into the small lake side cottage and sighed in relief as she shut the door in relief. "Mommy!" a small voice cried from somewhere in the cottage. Addie smiled as a small body came flying towards her. Addie laughed as the small child threw himself at her and hugged him close.

"Hey Ash, were you good for grandma?" Addie asked.

"Yes mommy," Asher said seriously.

"He was an angel as always," Addie's mother said as she walked into the foyer.

"You always say that," Addie laughed.

"He's a good boy Addie. Too bad he looks like his father," her mother retorted with a soft smile as her gaze fell fondly on her grandson.

"Cade's back," Addie blurted out. 

"Oh Addie," her mother murmured. 

"I don't know what I'm going to do," Addie whispered. 

"Talk to the boy. Maybe he had a good reason for staying away as long as he did," her mother suggested, laughed as Asher slid down his mother's body, dropped to the floor and ran to play.

"If I do, will you keep Ash? I don't want Cade to know about him until I'm ready," Addie asked.

"Of course I will, but Addie sweetie, this is a small town. He'll find out sooner than you want," her mother reminded her daughter. Addie groaned and dropped her face into her hands. 

"What am I going to do?" she groaned.

"Sleep on it. Focus on Asher tonight, then sleep on it. Cade has the right to know," her mother murmured before giving her daughter a hug and leaving the cottage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Addie, you have to stop avoiding me at some point!" Cade exclaimed from outside the door of Addie's office.

"Leave me alone Cade," Addie pleaded, dropped her head to her desk when Cade opened the door and walked inside. "Cade, I'm busy!" she snapped.

"Tough. We were engaged once, I think you owe me an hour," Cade reminded her.

"Yeah, we were engaged once and you left me at the fucking alter looking and feeling like an idiot!" Addie shot back.

"I didn't have a choice!" Cade shouted.

"Why not? What happened to make you leave us without so much as a word?" Addie wanted to know.

"Us?" Cade asked, his eyes narrowed.

"Me," Addie corrected, her heart pounding as she silently cursed herself. 

Cade studied her carefully and ran his hands through his hair. "Do you remember Dean Chapman?" Cade asked. 

"You served together in Iraq," she murmured.

"Right. I got a call right before the ceremony. He was captured and being held hostage; the captain wanted me to help with the rescue operation," Cade said.

"Why couldn't you wait to leave until after the ceremony? I didn't care about the reception, but why did you just take off?" Addie asked.

"I couldn't tell you Addie. I wanted to, God knows I wanted to be there and see you in that beautiful wedding gown and marry you, but I had to leave, I couldn't tell anyone. God Addie, as it was, it took three and a half years to get him out of that hell hole! And it took three more months after that to convince the President not to arrest us all for war crimes!" Cade shouted. Addie sighed and wiped away the tears that threatened to fall. "I love you Addie, I always have," Cade's voice lowered and he gave her a sad smile. "Please tell me it isn't too late," he added.

Addie opened her mouth to speak when her office door opened, revealing her mother, a miserable looking Asher in her arms.

"Addie, I'm sorry, but ... oh!" Her mother paused when she saw Cade sitting in the chair across from Addie. 

Addie stood up and walked around her desk quickly, reached for Asher who went quickly into his mother's arms. "What's wrong baby?" Addie asked.

"Hello Maxine," Cade said, his mind spinning at the sight of Asher in Addie's arms.

"Cade," Maxine's reply was curt.

"Who's this?" Cade asked.

"Mom, what's wrong with Asher?" Addie asked, ignoring Cade.

"Asher has strep throat. He'll be alright Addie. He's had his first dose of antibiotics and the rest is in the fridge," Maxine answered.

Addie glanced once at her mother before she turned to Cade. "This is my son, our son Asher," Addie answered.



Finding Home Ch. 01



"Your room is upstairs. There is an elevator back here we can ride up. This old mausoleum is hell to find your way around in when you first get here. You will learn you way around soon enough." Cassy tried to pay attention to the twists and turns. Soon they were in front of a large elevator. "We usually just use this thing for moving furniture and the like. Everyone uses the stairs." 

Cassy wondered how many people lived here in this house. It had seemed so quiet and empty through the morning. He stopped in front of her door and taking out his keys he unlocked the door. He pushed her wheelchair into the room. It was paneled with heavy dark wood and had thick dark red carpet on the floor. There was a double bed and a seating area with a love seat and two matching chairs arranged in front of a television. Against one wall was a heavy dark wood table with a computer on it. 

He helped her stand and stripped off the thick white bathrobe. He pulled back the covers on the bed and urged her under the covers. "You will sleep for a little while longer. I will leave some papers for you to go over once you wake. This door leads to your bathroom and dressing room. Stay in your room. Windy will come get you for dinner." He pulled the blankets up over her and walked out.



Finding Home Ch. 02



Cassy woke feeling disoriented. Where was she? She had an odd metallic taste in her mouth and her head ached. Slowly she tried to remember. Her Master had sent her to this place. She remembered filling out the papers for the professor and him taking her to a doctor office place. Then everything started to blur and seem dreamlike. He had given her a shot. That was it, he had given her some drug. 

Cassy became aware of her body. She had to go to bathroom. She slipped out of the bed. The air of the room felt cool against her skin after being under the warm covers. She padded into the bathroom and sat. It was a small bathroom with only a shower stall, sink and toilet. An archway led into a walk in closet. She noticed that there were four more outfits identical to the one she wore here and a large white terry bathrobe. There was a chest of drawers. In the top drawer were silk stockings and garters. In the second drawer were several long white night gowns. In the third drawer were some sweat suits and a pair of white running shoes. 

She pulled on the bathrobe and went to explore her room. She went to a heavy curtain and pulled it back looking out the window it covered. The outdoor light was bright after the dim lighting of the room. She could see the garden below and several large trees. Through the branches she could barely see the roofs of some houses on the far side of the high wall.

There was a large manila envelope leaning against the monitor of the computer. Written on the front in bold black ink were the words, "Read this immediately." Cassy sat down in the office chair in front of the computer and turned on the lamp. There was a stack of papers inside.

The first page was a letter. It was from her Master. Cassy was glad she was sitting down. 

Child, 

I know that you are confused. You deserve an explanation.

I have sent you to this clinic because I have sensed that you are becoming increasingly depressed. Not so much sad as emotionally numbed, dulled by your time with me instead of sharpened. The shy sweet curious girl you were when we met has faded. It seems like the life is draining out of you. I fear that I am losing you.

I blame myself for this. As your Master I have pushed you into this place.

The Professor is a very skilled doctor and therapist. He is completely aware of the nature of our relationship. I have been seeing him on an out patient basis for the last year. 

This time apart will benefit both of us.

Your Master

Cassy felt tears running down her face. She wanted to protest, to tell him how happy she was with him but she sensed the truth in his words. She had not been happy or unhappy. Lately everything had seemed to be muted, muffled like she was experiencing the world through a filter. She had found herself retreating further and further into the grayness and silence lately. It had felt like the right thing to do. It broke her heart to realize it had hurt him when she had done that. 

Cassy looked at the next page. It was a list of rules for the residents who where staying at the clinic: 

1. All residents are required to wear the clinic uniform provided between the hours of 8:00 am and 9:00 pm with the exception of the exercise and game rooms.

2. All residents must respect the confidentiality of the other clients in the clinic.

3. All residents are expected to treat each other with kindness and respect. No cruel or judgmental behavior will be allowed.

4. All residents are expected to conduct themselves with maturity and good manners. No loud noise, rowdiness, or practical joke behaviors are allowed.

5. All residents will not engage in sexual contact of any kind with other residents unless under the direct supervision of Dr. Wanderbourne.

6. No drug use is allowed excepting any medication prescribed by Dr. Wanderbourne.

7. All residents are required to be in their rooms between the hours of 9:00 pm and 6:00 am and lights out at midnight.

8. Residents are not allowed to be in other residents rooms at any time.

9. Meals are served at 7:30 am, 12:30 pm and 8:00 pm. Breakfast and lunch will be served in the kitchen and are optional. Dinner will be served in the dining room and attendance is required. Additional food is available in the kitchen for those residents not on a restricted diet.

10. No communication to persons outside the clinic is permitted without first gaining permission from Dr. Wanderbourne.

11. No residents are allowed on the third floor at any time.

12. No residents are allowed to enter into the medical clinic wing or into the treatment rooms in the basement without supervision of Dr. Wanderbourne.

Cassy looked at the clock by her bed. It was nearly 6:30. Cassy got up and put on the blouse and skirt and stockings. She pulled on the shoes. Going into the bathroom she opened a several of the drawers of the vanity and found a hair brush. She could not find the hair pins she had used to pin her hair up so she opted for a simple pony tail hanging down her back. 

The second sheet seemed to be a set of instructions specifically for her:

1.Cassy you are significantly underweight for your height. You will be required to eat at all three meals every day. It is my wish you focus on eating more. If you do not gain weight with this simple intervention, we will start a specific diet for you.

2.In the night stand in the lower drawer you will find your purse. Your cell phone has been removed. If you need to call someone you must get my permission first. You may find it convenient to carry a personal bag with you for the time being. It will help you to keep certain items with you that I will require you to use on a regular basis.

3.The password to using your computer is ReassociateMe9111. Forgive my humor. On the desktop you will find a link for your journal. You will be required to start writing a journal of your experiences here at the clinic. In this journal I require you talk about how you feel about what is happening to you. I will review it on a daily basis and may respond with questions or explanations. Your Master will not have access to this journal. All therapy you go through here is confidential from your Master but I may direct you share any thoughts or needs if I feel it is important to your health.

4.In your journal I will expect you to record any sexual thoughts or feelings you have as you stay here. It is especially important if you have any orgasms for you to record all the circumstances that they occurred and how they felt.

5.In the bathroom in the lowest right hand drawer you will find a digital timer and a small blue jar. In the jar is some sensitizing ointment. This ointment will make your skin feel warm and tingle. It is more intense on sensitive areas. Starting now and every 60 minutes (Excepting dinner and between midnight and 6:00 am) You will apply this ointment to your clitoris and nipples. You will rub the ointment onto each of your nipples and then using the timer to insure the amount of time, you will massage the ointment onto your clitoris and labia for five minutes. You will neither pursue or avoid orgasm. If you do achieve orgasm you should record this in your journal.

6.Your Master's rules of not speaking and being silent are suspended. You will speak normally with anyone you meet in the clinic. You will react normally to stimuli. If you feel the need to cry out or vocalize at any time I require you not resist that urge. You use your silence to disassociate.

7.If at any time you find yourself disassociating you should make every attempt to stop this by keeping your eyes open, focusing your attention on what is happening around you. Be sure to record in your journal any time this occurs. Record what led up to your becoming disconnected and what helped to bring you back to reality.

8.Your appointments will be posted on your computer each evening between 9:00pm and midnight. You will have no appointments before 9:00am the following day.

9.At this time your television is disabled and you do not have access to the internet. 

10. On the desktop of your computer is a link to a test I want you to take that evaluates your sexual preferences. Work on that test after you write in your journal about what has happened to you so far today.

11. There is also a link on your desktop to all video tapes that may have been made in the course of your therapy.

Cassy got up and found her purse. She noticed that there was a lock on the bottom drawer of the night stand. In the drawer was a key. She got out her purse and removed her billfold, putting it back into the drawer. She didn't think she would need ID or money any time soon. She only kept some tissues, comb and lip balm. She locked the drawer and put the key into her purse. 

Cassy walked to the bathroom and looking into the bottom drawer she found the timer and the blue jar of ointment. Unbuttoning her blouse she rubbed the ointment onto her nipples. It smelled like mint and the initial sensation was cool but soon heat began to build and then a distinct tingling itching sensation. 

Cassy unzipped her skirt and lowered it down around her knees. Her shiny blond pubic hair were clearly visible under the garter belt. She only shaved the outer lips of her cunt as her Master directed her to do, leaving the pretty golden curls above. Her Master called it her natural blond guarantee. Cassy spread the pink lips and began to rub the ointment into her inner labia and clitoris and the Professor had instructed, watching the timer as the five minutes passed. Soon the sensation of heat became a burning so intense it was almost painful.

Cassy felt herself beginning to float away, her attention wandering. She was startled when the timer chimed. Guiltily she realized she had faded away. The burning had faded to a persistent warmth and an intense tingling itch, like a determined bee had landed on her clit and was buzzing his wings. She resisted an impulse to scratch the tickling feeling. She pulled up her skirt, set the timer for 60 minutes and went to the computer. 

The password worked the first time. The desktop had only few icons. They were clearly labeled: therapy journal, therapy videos and sexual preference test. Cassy could not resist her curiosity and clicked on the video icon. The menu had only on entry, dated today. 

She clicked it and saw herself on the examination table, nude and bound tightly. Her face was expressionless. She could see that the video was long, almost 90 minutes. She realized she did not have time to view the whole thing at real time and increased the speed. The professor began to move at a comic accelerated speed around her. Her form remained static and still in the center of the blur of movement. Cassy noted how her expression did not change except for the closing of her eyes. 

When she saw the doctor fill the syringe she slowed the speed to normal and turned the audio up. She could hear the voice of the professor clearly but her responses were soft and blurred. The influence of the drug clear in her voice. Cassy was surprised to see the change in her face. Her brow was furrowed, she could see herself breathing through her open mouth in short gasps as she tried to talk, her pink tongue repeatedly licking her lips. Suddenly she clenched her eyes shut and her lips pulled away from her teeth, her face red with effort. Just as quickly it was past, leaving a sleepy look of surprise behind. Cassy could hear the professor tell her she had done well and see a soft smile flash across her face.

Cassy was suddenly very aware of the itching and tingling in her clit and nipples. Her whole cunt was throbbing. She shivered and felt herself begin to fade. This time she stopped and stood up and rubbed her hands across her face and shook her head. 

She returned to the computer and began to write in her journal. She wrote about how sad and frightened she had been to be sent away from her Master. She wrote about her uncertainty of why this was happening. She wrote about her first meeting with the Professor and her feeling nervous around him, not knowing what he wanted or how he would treat her. She wrote about the time in the examining room, how she had trouble remembering a lot of the time she was in there especially after he gave her a shot.

Cassy was so absorbed in her journal that she did not notice the time going by and was startled by the digital timer in her purse chiming. She got up and went into the bathroom and applied the ointment. The ointment once again started out with a sharp burning sensation. Cassy shivered and winced but did not fade away. She massaged the cream in thoroughly and noted how her cunt was continuing to throb like it had when she watched herself on the video. She felt hot and wet between her legs. On impulse she put her sticky finger into her mouth tasting the ointment and the juices of her excitement. She was shocked at how the ointment made her mouth burn like she had bitten into a hot pepper. It was spicier than she had expected.

It was almost 7:30 when she went back to writing in her journal. She recorded remembering that she had had an orgasm but did not remember much about how it felt. She wrote honestly about the sensation of the ointment and how watching the video had made her feel excited. She wrote about disassociating during the time in the examining room and again in the bathroom when she first felt the burn of the ointment. She also noted resisting the urge of fading when she had felt excited while she was watching the video by standing and rubbing her hands across her face.

It was almost 8:00 and Cassy was getting nervous about maybe being late to dinner when a hurried knock came on her door. She opened her door and Windy whispered in a frantic hurry. "Oh god I am so late, we have to fly. Come on!" She grabbed Cassy's hand and pulled her out the door before Cassy could grab her purse. She pulled Cassy rapidly down the hall and together the skittered down the stairs and ran to a door. Windy stopped and whispered urgently, "Walk, good posture, follow me, stand behind the chair next to mine, don't sit until he does."

The Professor was standing at the head of a formally set dining table. Several others were standing behind their chairs. Once she and Windy were standing behind their chairs he nodded and sat. The others sat down soon after. 

"Windy perhaps you have a good excuse for why you made me and your fellow patients stand here waiting? You always seem to have such good excuses."

Windy blanched and gulped looking down at her plate. "It was the new girl sir, she wasn't ready and I had to wait for her."

Cassy's head snapped up. Her mouth opened but no words came out. She could feel her face turning scarlet.

His voice was soft. "Cassy is this true?"

"No, Professor sir." Her voice shook with shyness and then she flinched and grunted when she felt a sudden sharp kick under the table. She pulled her legs close to her chair and shrank into herself.

The Professor's voice was sharp with impatience. "Windy go to your room."

Windy began to cry, "Its not fair. You like her better than me. She's lying. Its her fault. I hate her." But she was getting up and moving out of the dining room. 

She turned at the door, but the Professor spoke again sharply, "No!"

Windy screeched in frustration and stormed out, slamming the door.

The Professor's voice was calm and cool, "Well that was unpleasant. Perhaps we should introduce ourselves. William could you start please." 

A slender young man cleared his throat. He spoke with a marked stutter. "M... mmm... my name is W... w... w... William. I am am am here be because I I I ha... have ob... ob... obsessive com... com... compulsive disorder."

Cassy felt her body tense as she tried to listen, fighting the urge to speak up to finish his words for him. The Professor smiled and praised William. "Good job, you did very well William." He looked at the next person.

A thin black woman smiled and said, "Hello my name is Acadia. I am here at the clinic because I am an addict. My drug of choice is Meth. I have been drug free for 3 months."

The third person was a very cute young red haired girl. Her voice was petulant. "My name is Mary. I am here because my parents think I have an eating disorder."

The Professor raised an eyebrow. "What do you think Mary, do you think that they are correct?"

"I think its none of your fucking business. That is what I think."

"Mary if you are trying to be sent away from the table so you will not have to eat I would remind you that you agreed to commit yourself to my care. Go to your room. A tray will be sent up. Remember that there is a monitor in your room. You will eat your whole meal by 9:00pm." The girl tossed her head and marched stiffly from the room.

The professor sighed and turned to Cassy. "My dear I must apologize for the behavior displayed here this evening. Mary has only been here a few days. Having two new residents in a short time has unsettled Windy. Go ahead and introduce yourself to William and Acadia."

Cassy was nervous and flushed red. "My name is Cassy. I am here because... because... I... um..." She faltered and stopped her face scarlet. 

The Professor smiled and came to her rescue. "Cassy does not have a specific diagnosis at this time. She is still being evaluated. She is very shy and unused to talking. We need to encourage her to open up."

An older woman with a big ruffled apron wheeled a large serving cart into the dining room and set the table family style. Cassy thanked her when she saw the other residents saying similar things. Dinner was very good. Pork roasted with a rich apple ginger sauce, roasted baby red potatoes, and steamed green beans. Cassy had no trouble eating everything on her plate. At the Professor's prompt she ate a second helping of the meat and had a slice of soft warm bread to soak up the sweet spicy gravy.

"William and Acadia could you be so kind as to show Cassy around the house. Help her learn to find her way around. I suspect I will be busy talking with our two rebellious girls for a while." 

Acadia nodded and jumped up. "Come on Cassy, it will be 9:00 soon and we will have to be in our rooms." The two showed her how to find the stairs to the basement. "We can wear sweats down here. I hate this ridiculous uniform." The basement was a large open space with a wide variety of exercise equipment on one side. On the other side were a pool table, ping pong table, a large screen TV, and a juke box. "There is a laundry area back here and this door is to the therapy rooms the Professor uses sometimes. We aren't allowed back there without him." 

They went back upstairs to the main floor. They showed her where the kitchen was. The heavy set older lady was bustling around the kitchen cleaning up and getting things out for the next day. "You kids still hungry? No dessert today. You want something sweet, grab an ice cream." 

Opening a freezer, they each snagged an ice cream bar. "Do you want one?" Cassy shook her head, she still felt stuffed from dinner. 

"Dinner was very good. Thank you very much. My name is Cassy." Her voice was soft and shy.

"Oh sweetie, how kind of you to say that. Call me Momma. My name is Mia. But everyone just calls me Momma." The woman walked over and put her hand under Cassy's chin and lifted her face up and gravely looked in her eyes. "Child don't look so sad. You are in a good place now. Come on give me a smile." A sharp pang went through Cassy's heart. Her Master called her Child. A wave of home sickness crashed over her. She felt herself fading and did nothing to stop it. 

The soft warm hand under Cassy's chin tightened and suddenly shook her. There was remarkable strength behind the soft hand and Cassy felt herself pulled back almost against her will. The soft blue eyes peered wisely into hers. "Where you think you are going to, child. You know you are not supposed to do that."




Finding Home Ch. 02



Cassy struggled to breathe. "Please don't call me that. Please don't call me child." And to her horror she burst into tears. She felt herself enveloped in strong soft arms and held tightly against a soft ample bosom. 

"Oh sweet baby. Let go. Its good to cry. We won't call you that if it hurts." For some reason beyond her ability to understand she began to sob deep ragged sobs. Her whole body wracked with grief. She let herself be held as the older woman rocked and crooned. "You two kids get yourself up to your rooms. I will stay here with her and make sure she gets upstairs OK."

Cassy felt a hand pat her clumsily on the shoulder and Acadia said, "Its OK Cassy, I cried nearly everyday for a week when I first got here."

When the sobs receded to hiccups. Cassy pulled her head up from the apron. She could see it was wet from her tears. "I'm sorry. I don't know what happened."

"Don't apologize, baby girl, you were full of tears. It was time to let go. Tell me why I can't call you child."

"Someone I love very much calls me that. I just miss him so much."

"Your Master?"

Cassy looked up in surprise. 

"Don't be so surprised. The Professor keeps me up to date about our new clients. I don't know a whole lot beyond you are depressed, have a marked tendency to disassociate, and are in a very deep dominant submissive relationship. The professor warned me to try and wake you up if you seem to be zoning out. Don't worry all your secrets are safe with me. I understand a lot of what you are going through. I had a Master once, god bless his soul in heaven. Not a day goes by where I don't miss him like my heart will break all over again. My Master's name for me was Baby."

Cassy nodded and hugged the big soft woman in sympathy. "Thank You. Thank you so much."

"Let me walk you up to your room. That way if the Professor catches you out of your room at this time I can explain that we had to have a little talk."

Momma walked her up to her room. She went in and turned and thanked the motherly woman one more time.

In her room the little timer was beeping and Cassy remembered about the ointment. She rushed into the bathroom and applied the cream. She was too distracted thinking about the scene in the kitchen to focus much on the process, mechanically rubbing in the cream. She hissed as the burn settled down to the more familiar itchy tickle.

Cassy carefully hung up her clothes and dropped her stockings into the hamper. She pulled on a night gown and the soft robe. She moved to the computer terminal. She added to her journal about the evening; about Windy's lie and subsequent kick and about meeting Miss Mia and their conversation. She wrote about hard it was to cry and how light and empty she felt afterward.

Next Cassy clicked on the sexual preferences test icon. The software opened with a page giving directions. A picture would show and there would be rating gage displayed below. The gage had an ice cube on one side and a flame on the other side with a ten levels in between. She would have ten seconds to rate each picture, in terms of how sexually stimulating she found the image. If there were any pictures she did not rate in the ten second time she would have an opportunity to state why she could not decide for each one at the end of the test. The test would take one hour and she should not start until she had an hour to devote to taking it. 

Cassy checked the clock. She wondered if it would be OK to put off putting the ointment on if she was in the middle of this test. She decided to go ahead and do the questionnaire and put on the ointment again immediately after she was done. She wanted to get the test done tonight before going to sleep.

She started the test. It went fast. Dozens of pictures flashed by; neutral pictures of men, women, children, nudes, babies, animals, mixed in randomly with artistic nudity, hard and soft core pornography, group scenes, male and female gay sex, even some gross bestiality, and a lot pictures of women and men in mild to extreme bondage scenes. She answered promptly for all but three pictures. One was a picture of of her Master smiling. One was a picture of herself with her face contorted with orgasm. The third was a small blond child with her lips sealed but tears flowing down her cheeks. 

The second part of the test was for her to explain in narrative form why she was unable to answer promptly for those three pictures. She spent a lot of time thinking about what had happened.

She wrote about the picture of her Master. "I hesitated. My first thought was of love, total and complete love, but sex I didn't know. Its almost like I am not allowed to feel that about him. Like it would be disrespectful." She wrote about the second picture of herself looking lost in ecstasy. "My first impulse was that I wanted to rate this one the highest of all, but then I felt blocked, like I was wrong or bad to think that. By then the picture was gone." About the third picture she wrote. "This picture stopped me. She looked so sad. My heart just broke and I forgot what I was supposed to do."

The soft chime from her timer had been ringing for a while. She got up and reapplied the ointment. She tried to focus on the task, paying attention to how it felt to massage the ointment into her clitoris. She felt a little nervous, like she was being watched. She wondered if there were cameras in her room. She tried to calm her thoughts and focus again on the sensation. She decided to move to the bed and continue the application under the covers. She idly wondered if she would get in trouble if she took longer than five minutes. She giggled softly and stopped in wonder. She could not remember the last time she had laughed.

Cassy finished applying the ointment and got ready for bed. She turned off her computer and set her alarm clock for 6:00am. She turned off all the lights in the room except the light in the bathroom and left the door open so it wouldn't be completely dark. She took off her robe and slipped between the covers. It took a long time to go to sleep.



Finding Home Ch. 03



The insistent beeping of the alarm nagged Cassy awake. She stretched and pulled herself out of bed. The shower felt good, clearing her head warming her muscles. She dried off and put on the ointment for the first time of the day. It seemed to burn more intensely than yesterday and she rubbed hard at herself trying to relieve the pain, abruptly she felt her clit start to throb against her hand and she gasped and flinched as an unexpected climax shook her. She jerked her hand away in surprise. A wave of guilt came over her. She felt herself spinning away. 

Cassy did not know how long she had been sitting in the bathroom. She felt cold. Her cunt had settled down to the familiar warmth and tingle. She grimaced and got up. Her clock said 6:30. She had not been out of it very long. 

She dressed in sweats and went down to the exercise room. She ran on a tread mill for about a half hour. She had clipped the timer on her waistband and it went off. She went back to her room and reapplied the ointment. It did not burn so much this time. She rubbed it into her tissues more gently but she sensed a softness and warmth in her feelings. Her whole pelvic area seemed heavier, her muscles loosening. She was both relieved and saddened when the five minutes were up. 

It hit her. She was in dread of having an orgasm. Her ambivalence about having orgasms came came a surprise to her. She had always believed she wanted to come but something was wrong with her that kept it from happening. She realized that she had been subconsciously resisting all this time.

She showered quickly and changed into her uniform. She logged onto her computer. The professor had posted her schedule for the day. He wanted to see her briefly right after breakfast. He had scheduled a massage for her in the morning. He wanted to see her for a two hour therapy session after lunch.

She opened her journal. He had reviewed it. He had edited it by changing her text to a lavender and added his comments and questions in bold black. He encouraged her to spend more time talking about her feelings and describe sensations. He prompted her to watch the video again and think about what she was feeling and why. He asked her why she called Mia, 'Miss Mia' rather than 'Momma'. 

At the end he asked about her reactions to the letter from her Master, how she thought he may have been feeling when he wrote the letter and how he may be feeling now. He asked if she would like to write a letter back to her Master.

She responded to his question about calling Mia 'Momma', "I don't know. It feels weird to call someone that. I don't remember calling any of my foster parents Mom or Momma. It just never seemed right."

She answered that she had been thrilled to get a letter from her Master but the contents had made her feel awful. "What he said in the letter was true. I was fading away. I don't know exactly how or when I started doing it. It felt right to do it. It seemed like that was what my Master wanted from me, but I don't know why I think that. I would like to write him, if he would permit it. But I am kind of nervous about what I should say."

It was getting close to 7:30 am. Cassy put her timer and her ointment in her purse and walked down to the kitchen. Mia was bustling around the kitchen. "Good morning Cassy, you are my first customer this morning. We usually don't eat a heavy breakfast. We got fruit, yogurts, cereal, toast, juice... Do you drink coffee?" 

Cassy shook her head and moved to the table set with plates and bowls in the dining area of the kitchen.

Mia stopped and turned. "Cassy, I greeted you in a happy, polite, socially appropriate way. It would be nice if you could return that kindness."

Cassy froze and felt horrified. "I... I am sorry Miss Mia. I forget to talk sometimes. Um... Good morning. Breakfast sounds wonderful. No thank you, I don't drink coffee." Her face was red with embarrassment. 

"That is OK, apology accepted. I am just not going to let you get away with any back sliding."

"Thank you. I think I will need all the help I can get."

Cassy sat down and poured herself a glass of cranberry juice and got a single piece of dry toast. She sat nibbling on the crunchy bread and sipping at the juice. She did not feel very hungry after eating such a big dinner the night before. 

Mia turned and frowned. "You are going to need to eat more than that or the Professor will be putting you on a special diet. Believe me girl you will have him in your head enough, you don't need him in your stomach. Now put some cream cheese on that toast and help yourself to some granola with strawberries and one big glass of milk. My orders. I want to see you putting some curves on over those bones."

Cassy sighed and served herself the food Mia recommended and began to force herself to eat. "I just don't feel hungry."

"Cassy, we both know that you go out of your way to avoid feeling much." The Professor's voice was soft. Cassy almost dropped her spoon and scrambled to stand. "I love working with well trained subs. They are so compliant. Sit Cassy, sit down and finish your breakfast."  

The Professor moved into the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee, took a sip and groaned in pleasure. "Heaven pure heaven, Momma what would I do without your coffee in the morning." He wrapped his arms around the rotund cook and kissed her on the top of the head.

William came in and smiled and stammered, "Goo... good morning." He sat down and helped himself to a bowl of cereal. 

The Professor spoke softly with Mia for a while and then turned to Cassy. "Cassy, after you are finished eating wait for me in the library." 

"Yes, Professor sir." He nodded, smiled and walked out of the kitchen. 

Cassy forced herself to eat every bite and drank down the tall glass of cold milk. She grimaced at the taste. She had never liked milk.

"Miss Mia, thank you for breakfast. And thank you for keeping me from back sliding."

"Us girls got to stick together."

Cassy knew that she was referring to their shared loneliness. "I don't know where the library is."

"Its just across the hall, dear. It looks just like it sounds. Big room, lots of books." Mia pointed at a door on one side of the kitchen. "Just through there and across the hall."

Cassy picked up her dirty dishes, brought them to the dish washing sink and rinsed them off. Mia bustled up. "Thank you, its nice when people do little things to help like that. Here just put them in the dishwasher here. Good girl." Inexplicably Cassy felt a frightening wave of sadness. She turned and hurried out of the kitchen. 

The library was filled with books. But it was completely disorganized. Stacks of magazines and paperbacks covered the tables and were piled up on the chairs and couches. All the shelves were filled with oddly mixed up reference books, self help guides, medical journals, fiction and god knows what else. Cassy wandered from one pile to the next looking through them wondering how anybody ever found anything in here. 

The door opened and the Professor walked in. Cassy was already standing but she put down the book she was holding and tried to stand up straighter. "Follow me." He turned and left. 

He led her down to the basement and went to the locked door leading to the therapy rooms. The hallway was narrow, dark with a low ceiling. The walls and ceiling seemed to be made from heavy rough stone. Dim lights behind heavy iron grates barely lit the way. They passed by several heavy wood doors with obvious heavy locks.

As they passed by one door Cassy was startled when it shook with the thuds of fists beating on inside. Mary's voice was hoarse and raging, "You let me out of here. You can't keep me locked up in this fucking hole. I can hear you out there. My parents will sue your fucking ass off..." 

The professor turned to Cassy and smiled and put his finger to his lips, then he turned to the door. "Mary if you are quiet you will hear me say this." The yelling stopped. "Your parents know exactly what is happening. They signed all of the treatment permission forms. You signed all the same forms. I can and will keep you locked in this fucking hole as long as I think it is necessary."

He beckoned for Cassy to follow. He stopped at another door and gestured for her to come close. He spoke in low voice. "I find a direct approach to confronting denial to be the most effective. Now Cassy, I invited you down to assist in Windy's treatment. She is a sad case. She had a Master but could not ever bring herself to submit to his authority. He abandoned her but when she tried to commit suicide he felt responsible and committed her here. She has turned out to be a rare thing in this world. Instead of being submissive, she is a true masochist. She wants and needs pain. When her master would punish her for her failures she found the pain incredibly reinforcing. Instead of teaching her to be obedient he conditioned her to misbehave. She also suffers from a personality disorder that makes it difficult to tell the truth, or understand the feelings and needs of others." 

"Inside this room we will find Windy. She has been bound to prevent her from causing herself pain. I find that isolation and boredom to be an effective consequence for Windy when she has broken the rules. Pain is reserved as a reward. I am going to give you her reward. This will involve some very mild pain. If you start to feel like you are disassociating I want you to say "No more." I will help you keep from fading away and you do everything you can to stay in the moment."

The timer in her purse chimed. "Professor sir, Um... It is time for my medicine."

"Give me the jar. Now if this is going to be effective I need you to be a very good actress. I want you to scream and protest. I want you to beg for mercy. It would be very good if you can also let her think you are getting sexually turned on. Moans, gasps, maybe beg me to fuck you at some point. She will be blind folded so she will be imagining much more than what will be exactly happening. Do you think you can do this for me?"

Cassy nodded uncertainly. 

"Words girl, words." 

"Yes Professor sir."

"Good girl. OK here we go."

His voice was suddenly sharp and cruel as he unlocked the door. "I don't fucking except fucking weak excuses. Get your ass in here and fucking strip off. You better be fucking ass naked in five second or things will go even worse." He was smiling and winking, his face at complete odds to this tone and words.

Cassy tried to smile back but her lips trembled. "Please sir, are you going to hurt me? Please don't hurt me." He nodded enthusiastically and gave her a big thumbs up. She hurried to strip off her clothes, too caught up in the game to worry about being naked.

"Shut the fuck up, bitch. Of course I am going to hurt you. I am going to beat the fucking lies right out of you." He slapped his hand loud against his own thigh.

Cassy yelled, "Ow" and began to whimper.

"Get on your fucking knees and face the corner." Cassy shuffled over and faced the corner. She flinched when he touched her and silently turned her to face the room. Cassy could see that Windy was bound to a table, lying on her back. She had a blanket over her. She had a gag in her mouth and a thick blindfold over her eyes. 

"Windy, you know why you are here. Your behavior last night was totally inappropriate. You know that kicking Cassy was cruel. Even if she was lying I will not tolerate violence between residents. You did not earn your reward and because I must punish Cassy I had the brilliant thought of saving myself some time and energy. I am sure it will be very infuriating to listen to your reward being given to another who does not want it." Windy began to grunt and scream through her gag and strain violently against the straps holding her flat to the table.

The Professor turned to Cassy. "Stand up bitch, put your hands over your head. He silently mouthed, "OK?" Cassy nodded. He opened the jar of ointment and gently rubbed it on her nipples and then reached down and rubbed a generous amount on her cunt. 


Cassy hissed and groaned. "Oh sir, yes thats nice. I like that. Please don't hurt me. I will do anything for you."

"Punishments first, you slut." He rattled the chains noisily as he bound her standing with her hands loosely over her head.

"Oh god Sir, not so high, it hurts my arms. I can't hang like this. Let me down please." Cassy could see Windy fighting against her bindings. The Professor picked up an evil looking cat with small metal tips on the end of each lash. "Oh no, not that whip. Please not that whip. It will kill me." 

"You will count and thank me prettily each time I give you a gift of this lash. I will decide when I think you have learned not to lie to me." The professor snapped the whip loudly in the air and then slapped it loudly against the wall.  

Cassy shrieked and gibbered, "Oh god One sir, Thank you Professor sir." and began to sob loudly.

"Beg me for more, beg me to lash you again. Beg me to teach you your lesson." The professor casually trailed the metal tips of the lash across Windy's face. 

Cassy whined, "I can't. It hurts too much. I can't."

"If you beg nice maybe I will use this flogger on you instead." He swished the softer leather loudly.

"Oh yes, please. Whip me with that. I think I could bear that. Please sir, teach me. Teach me not to lie. Please beat me." Cassy was shocked when he did hit her with the softer flogger. The soft leather slapping into her ass cheek with a thud and then a sting. She grunted in surprise and stammered, "Two sir, thank you sir." He continued to flog her watching her reactions carefully. His blows were careful, never causing much pain. Cassy continued to cry out and count, begging for mercy but began to add whimpers of nervous excitement, breathing hard. Cassy began to notice it wasn't that hard to fake being excited. Her cunt was hot and wet, throbbing like crazy. Her nipples were hard as pebbles. 

"Have you learned you lying bitch?"

"Oh yes Sir, I promise to always tell you the truth sir."

He rattled the chains and let her arms down. "You stink of juicy cunt. You want to be fucked don't you."

Cassy did not have to fake the shame and eagerness in her voice. "Please sir, I need to be fucked. I need to come." 

He leaned down and almost noiselessly whispered into her ear, "We can but only if you want this." Cassy swayed, suddenly lost, she felt herself starting to fade. She felt his hand on her face tapping gently and heard his voice from a distance. "You will get fucked only when you deserve it bitch. You have not earned it yet. Get dressed slut. You disgust me." He gently kissed her on the forehead and propelled her to the pile of clothing in the corner of the room. 

He walked to the table where Windy lay and unbuckled the gag. "What have you to say for yourself." 

"Don't beat her. She didn't lie. I lied. Beat me. I am the one that lied." Windy babbled straining against her straps to be free. 

"But dear, you like to be beaten. To earn that reward you must tell me the truth."

"I am. I am telling the truth now. Beat me, oh please." Cassy was alarmed when she saw Windy suddenly bite her lip hard and a trickle of blood ran out the corner of her mouth.

"Windy stop biting your lip. You will get some pain soon. You don't have to do that. Let go of your lip and apologize to Cassy and you will get what you crave."

"I am sorry. It was my fault. You were ready. I was late. I lied. You didn't do anything wrong and I was horrible to say you did. Please forgive me." Cassy noticed that Windy did not make any promises to change her behavior. 

Her voice was shaky and soft. "OK, I forgive you but I don't know if I can trust you."

Windy's voice had a soft giggle. "Don't worry about that. Nobody trusts me. I don't even trust me."

"Good girl, open your mouth so we can put the gag back in. I am one of those that doesn't trust you and I can't risk having you biting yourself any more. I will give you ten extra minutes of pain today if you are cooperative."  Windy obediently opened her mouth and passively accepted the gag.

The professor pulled back the blanket. Cassy was shocked to see bruises scattered over Windy's breasts. Her nipples looked almost black and seemed to be weeping drops of clear liquid like the skin had been scraped off. "Windy sometimes has trouble waiting for her rewards. She hurt herself during dinner last night." He took the small blue jar and carefully scooped up some of the ointment onto a finger tip. He spread it over the open wounds on Windy's nipples. She went rigid. Her shriek was like a whistle going through her nose. "I thought you would like that. I will walk Cassy back out and I will come back to give some more." Windy nodded eagerly.

The professor took Cassy's arm and led her from the room. Carefully locking the door behind them. He kept a hold of her arm and walked her part way down the hall. Suddenly he stopped and pushed her gently back against the wall, pressing his body against hers. "You didn't really answer my question. Do you want me to fuck you? And don't run away from me to avoid answering." His hands were hot against her face, holding her gaze locked in his.

"Yes, Yes sir. I wanted it so much. I am sorry I faded away. I felt like crying when you said I didn't deserve it."

"Cassy you deserve all the love in the world. You deserve to be fucked and have all the pleasure in the world. Unfortunately that moment is passed but I am sure we will have many more opportunities." Cassy felt a wave of guilt wondering if she was being disloyal to her Master by wanting so badly to have this man fuck her. He pressed the little jar into her hand. "Keep using this. It will help you pay attention to your body. The more you pay attention to your body the harder it will be to 'fade' as you like to say. 

Go to your room. You have a new assignment on your desktop and you may like to watch the acting session you just did on the videos. It was Oscar quality. At 11:00 a professional masseur will come to your room. Your only assignment will be go focus on the sensations of your massage. Don't fade on us pretty girl. I have a promise to keep with Windy. I will see you at 1:30." 

Cassy stiffened as his lips took hers and then she melted against him, opening her mouth letting his tongue delve deep. His kiss was brief as much as it was intense. She felt herself respond and then once more she was spinning away. He held her up and gave her a shake. "What are we going to do with you." He pushed her out of the locked hallway and closed the door behind her.

Cassy leaned against the door and moaned in frustration. Suddenly she was aware of William and Acadia in the game area. They had been shooting pool, but both of them were looking at her, concern in their eyes. She rubbed her hand across her face, and put on a rueful grin. "Good morning, guys. I would love to stay and talk but the Professor has an assignment for me." About that time the timer in her bag chimed and she sped off, heading for her room.

She pulled down her skirt and unbuttoned her blouse. She lay back on her bed and began to apply the cream. She let it soak into her nipples for a minute before moving on to her cunt. Her nipples where hard and aching before she allowed her hand to dip lower. "do not pursue or avoid orgasm" She whispered to herself. "five minutes, just stay here, don't fade, I deserve pleasure..." She was trembling when she touched the cream to her tender tissues. First the icy mint cooled and then the heat began to build. "focus" She kept rubbing, gently massaging in the ointment, spreading over all her pink flesh. She thought about her Master and she felt herself start to lose it. "No, don't think, feel." She kept moving her fingers over herself. After five minutes she had not orgasmed but she had not felt so hot and sexually turned on in her life. Her hands shook as she pulled up her skirt and buttoned her blouse. She went into the bathroom and washed her hands and face and ran a comb through her hair.




Finding Home Ch. 03



On her desktop was a new icon. It was a short cut to a text document much like her journal. It had not title beyond 'daily assignment' and the date. Inside the Professor had written for her to write down as much as she could remember about her early childhood; where she lived, who was there, what kinds of food or activities she remembered, all good and bad memories she could come up with, if anyone had disciplined her and in what form and for what reasons.

Cassy felt overwhelmed with this assignment. She did not remember her early childhood. She closed the application, telling herself she needed to think about it some before starting.

She opened her journal and wrote about having an orgasm first thing early in the morning and then disassociating immediately afterward.  She wrote about her insight about feeling like she was avoiding orgasms but not knowing why. She decided to wait to write about the beating scene until she could watch the video.

It was 9:30 am. Cassy wondered if she could bring a drink up to her room. There was nothing in the rules against it. She wandered down to the kitchen. Mia was mixing a big mass of hamburger in a large stainless bowl. "Hello Cassy."

"Hello Miss Mia. What are you making?"

"Meat loaf dear. Hot meat loaf sandwiches for lunch, with mashed potatoes and gravy."

"It sounds wonderful but I don't know how I can eat another bite. You guys seem to think I have a hollow leg."

"Cassy, if you were any thinner I would think you were in here for an eating disorder. Don't go all whiny, 'I am too full' on us. We are not expecting you to eat more than your system can handle. The lesson you need to learn is that if your body is not giving you the correct signals as to when to eat you have to apply your intellect to the problem."

"Yes Miss Mia. Is it OK for me to take something to drink up to my room while I work on something."

"Of course. Look in the refrigerator. I would help you but I am up to my elbows in meatloaf at the moment." Cassy found herself a diet Coke and headed back up to her room. She left Mia sputtering, "You are certainly being a brat. Choosing a diet drink after that long lecture. I would come after you and spank you if I wasn't trapped here."

Cassy smiled a big ear to ear grin and called back over her shoulder, "I have to save room for lunch."

She had to reapply the ointment when she got back to her room. She struggled with a sense that she was descending into a nightmare of sexual tension. She could confront her demon of orgasm or she could keep tormenting herself. She decided to continue as the Professor had initially prompted her... "neither pursue or avoid." She did not orgasm but felt surprisingly angry about having to put this cream on her cunt afterwards.

The video file had an entry for this morning. She clicked on it and watched as she pretended to suffer and protest as she was beaten. Initially she felt like giggling at the way she was over dramatizing but soon it began to have a sense of realism that pulled her in. She found the contrast of the Professor's cruel words and tones with the gentle almost loving expression of his face incredibly erotic. She found she was wishing that somehow the show had ended differently, that she had been brave enough to have him take her. Wondering what it would have been like to have him fuck her with rough words and gentle hands. A long shudder of need shook her.

At 10:30 she carefully changed out of her uniform and donned her heavy terry cloth robe. She sat in front of her computer and tried to conjure up memories of her childhood. The chime of her timer pulled her back. She noticed it wasn't much longer before the masseur was going to be here. A little wave of rebellion swept over her. She wouldn't have time to put the ointment on now. She would wait until the massage was over. 

Try as she might she could not get much past her early teens. She could remember the Junior High School she went to. She remembered riding the bus but had no memories of getting off. Cassy began to feel a lot of anxiety. What was wrong with her. Why couldn't she remember. 

She was far away when she felt the Professor's hand shaking her. "Cassy come back to us." She pushed his hand away and tried to fight it. She did not want to come back. 

"Leave me alone. Go away." Her voice in her ears sounded like it was coming from a long way away. 

She felt strong hands picking her up, forcing her to stand and walk. "Come on girl, got to get up and move. It will help." She stumbled as he pushed her along in front of him. She could hear running water and suddenly she was standing in her shower with ice cold water cascading over her head. Squealing in shock she began to fight in earnest, trying to escape the sudden agony of cold. He let her out and she stood shivering in her cold soaked robe and burst into sobs. He pulled her tight to his chest and held her as she cried. 

At first she held tight to him but as she slipped deeper into her grief she began to struggle to get away, pushing at him and them beating at his chest with her fists. Her grief becoming rage. She began to scream at him, "How dare you do this to me. I hate this. I want to go home. Just let me die." He did not speak at all. He just held her tight to his chest until she exhausted herself. 

Then he picked her up and cradling her to his chest he carried to her bed. He stood her on her feet, stripped off the wet bathrobe and pulled back the covers. With one practiced move he had her tucked deep under the covers. Cassy was suddenly aware of how cold she was. Long wracking shivers shook her whole body. 

The professor went into the bathroom and turned the shower on again. As he came back out she noticed he had taken his wet jacket and shirt off and was bare chested. "OK girl. Its warm water now. Just going to try and warm you up." He pulled off her covers and dragged her to her feet. "No arguments, just obedience." Cassy was groggy with cold and exhaustion. She passively allowed him to push her into the shower and stood there as the warm water poured over her. He did not let her leave for a long time. His strong hands pushing her back in when she tried to get out. Finally he let her out and toweled her off briskly. He pulled a night gown over her head and grabbed a blanket off her bed and enveloped her in it. He sat her on her couch and stood in front of her drying his chest with the same towel he had used on her.

He dug into his wet pants pocket and pulled a cell phone. "Momma could you send up a lunch tray for both Cassy and me to her room. And a big pot of hot tea and with lots of sugar and two cups. And can you send up a couple of dry robes, one big enough for me. We seem to have gotten a bit wet."

He turned his attention back to her. "OK Cassy girl. What the hell was that about. I was in the middle of a session when Momma broke in all in a panic. The massage therapist couldn't get you to answer your door. Momma came in and couldn't get you to respond. What were you doing to yourself up here."

Cassy was too tired to fight. All her defenses were destroyed. "I was just sitting at the computer trying to do my assignment. I was trying and trying to remember something, anything from when I was little. I remember feeling really mad. Mad about all the stupid writing. Mad about having to put the ointment on. Mad that I knew I could have an orgasm but I was afraid to. Mad that I wanted to fuck you and had messed that up. Mad about not being able to remember and then I was scared, really scared. I don't remember anything after that until you put the water on my head." 

"You said you wanted me to let you die. Do you think about dieing very often?"

"No, not in the last few years."

"Tell me about when you did think about dieing."

"It was during the years after I graduated from high school and before I met my Master. I worked at a book store and lived alone. In the night I would go up to this bridge high above the city and stand balanced on the railing hundreds of feet above everyone moving below. I would just stand there wondering if I could fall. I never thought about jumping but I would stand there and hope a really strong wind would come and blow me off. After I met my Master I stopped going up there."

"Why do you think that was."

"After I met my Master it felt like I had fallen. Like he was the strong wind that blew me off the railing. Its felt like I have been falling ever since."

"On a scale of one to ten, one being totally safe and ten being worst danger, how much at risk do you think you are of hurting yourself right now."

"Right now, one. I don't think I was even very serious when I said it to you earlier. It seemed like it was something left over from a long time ago."

"I agree but I want you to promise to me if that risk rating ever feels like higher than five you will come to me, no matter where you are."

Cassy nodded, "I promise."

Momma knocked on the door and then came in before anyone said anything. She pulled the coffee table over close to the couch and set a big tray of food and a teapot on it. "Here is that robe you asked me for. Oh Cassy dear you put the fear of god into this old Momma's heart.  I never saw eyes so empty and sad all at the same time. I am so happy to see you looking so much better."

"I am sorry." Cassy hesitated and then said, "Momma."

Mia absolutely glowed with delight. "You make me so happy sweet girl. Now you listen to the Professor. He will fix everything."

The professor pulled on the robe and shook his head. "Don't believe everything Momma says. She thinks I am a miracle worker. There won't be any miracles unless we make them happen together."

Pulling up a chair next to her he began to eat his lunch. "Come on, its really much better warm. I would hate to have to watch you eat it after it gets cold." Cassy could hear the steel in his voice under the humor. She swung her feet down to the floor and began to eat. The hot tea tasted wonderful warming her deep down. The caffeine gave her a boost of energy.

After lunch he reached over and smoothed her hair out of her eyes. "I am going to go put on some dry clothes then I will come back and get you for our afternoon session. Don't worry about getting dressed. Just put this dry robe over your nightgown." He picked up the tray and carried it out of her room. 

Cassy got up and went into the bathroom. It was a disaster. Water was everywhere. Wet towels and clothes on the floor. She sat on the toilet and peed. She picked up the Professor's jacket and shirt and hung them up to dry. She gathered up the wet towels and put them in her hamper along with her wet robe. She pulled on the dry robe. She thought about putting on some ointment but once again felt an increasing resistance to obeying that order.

The Professor walked into her room without knocking. He pointed at a couple of small objects around her room. "Those are cameras Cassy. For the time being I have decided to turn them on. Don't assume that means I will be watching you all the time. I certainly don't have time for that, but I may be checking on how you are doing from time to time."

"Lets head down to the clinic." He led off and Cassy followed behind. He took the elevator down. Cassy noticed that he needed to use a special key to open the elevator door on the clinic side. He led her to a different room than she had been in earlier. It was dark, lit with only a discrete lamps at a desk and by the door. A large comfortable recliner chair dominated the center of the room. Have a seat." Cassy climbed into the chair feeling almost child sized in the big over sized chair. 

The professor got out a syringe from the desk. "Hold out your arm, this will make everything go by in just a few seconds."

Cassy held out her arm. "What is it?"

"Its a nice mixture of Sodium Pentathol, Rohypnol, and a couple of other things to help you relax. My own special cocktail. Helps with remembering. Helps with forgetting. Lay back and enjoy the ride." He tipped the chair until Cassy was laying almost flat. He got out a heavy soft blanket and covered her up to her neck. Cassy was feeling very drowsy, warmth was spreading over her whole body. His voice was deep, rhythmic, and hypnotic. "Cassy I want you to remember that you are here with me. You are safe. Nothing can ever hurt you again." 



Finding Home Ch. 04



Cassy woke up as he was lifting her into the wheel chair. She felt a wave of dizziness and struggled briefly, throwing her arms out trying to catch her balance. "Its OK, calm down, you are safe." She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his chest. He had to forcibly break her grip from around his neck to get her to sit in the wheel chair. 

"What happened? Did I go away again? Where are we going?" Cassy was alarmed by the edge of panic in her voice. 

"Sh... Don't get yourself worked up. You are just a little disoriented. You have some adrenaline left over in your system. Just remember you are safe."

He wheeled her back to her room. "Get dressed for dinner pretty girl. It is early but I want you to wait downstairs with Momma. I don't want you to be alone for a while. And you have managed to monopolize my time all day today. I have a ton of crap to deal with." 

As they walked down to the kitchen he kept a firm grip on her arm. "Are you still dizzy at all?"

"No not dizzy but I feel weird, my whole body feels tingly and my mouth is dry and tastes awful." 

"Cassy I don't want you to work on that childhood memories assignment anymore. Just write your journal when you get a chance. I want you to stop putting the ointment on for the time being. I think we have been pushing you along a little too fast and we were waking up some monsters best left sleeping until you are better prepared to do battle."

Mia was sitting down drinking a cup of tea when they came into the kitchen. "Look Cassy we found her sitting down on the job." 

Momma sputtered. "I work hard morning, noon and night for you, you young pup. I cook your meals. I massage your inflated male ego."

The Professor roared with laughter. "Point, set, match and the wise Momma wins hands down. This inflated male ego bows to the ancient female wisdom and surrenders." 

Suddenly more serious, "Momma, Cassy has had some medication that makes her not be able to make really good choices for a while. I want her to stay here with you until dinner. She can help you but no running with sharp objects, no using heavy machinery, and no major financial decisions."

Cassy found herself giggling a little hysterically as she followed the banter between these two obvious good friends. She had her hand in front of her face. 

Momma put her arm around her shoulders and led her to sit at the table. "Did you eat a good lunch?"

"Oh yes it was delicious. I ate it all. The professor said he would make me eat it cold if I did not eat it hot." She giggled again. "I am kind of thirsty could I please have a diet soda. I promise to eat lots at dinner but I love diet soda." 

"You stay sitting down. I will get it for you. I don't know what it is with you girls these days. Skinny as sticks and drinking diet this, diet that." She sat the can down in front of Cassy. 

"Thank you. What are we making for dinner tonight."

"I like that you say 'we'. We are making pasta with fresh vegetables, chicken breasts with Parmigiana and almond crusting, and fresh garlic bread. I think lemon sorbet for desert." 

"I am not going to be much help. I am a terrible cook."

"You will do fine. By the time I am done with you, you will be a super cook."

Mia was a good teacher. She had Cassy help make almost every part of the meal. The time before the dinner flew by. Soon Cassy found herself standing behind her chair waiting for the Professor to come in and sit. She was surprised to see that both Windy and Mary were standing quietly waiting as well as William and Acadia. At precisely 8:00 the Professor came in and smiled. "It is nice to see everyone on time this evening."

He sat and everyone sat down after that. He looked at Windy and Mary, "I think both of you have something to say?"

Windy nodded and said, "I apologize for being so beastly at the table last night. It was impolite. I hope you can accept my apology." Cassy thought to herself that Windy seemed way too practiced at apologizing. 

The Professor looked toward Mary. She turned an ugly shade of red and scowled. "I am sorry I was rude." Cassy thought that while Mary probably hated to have to say it, she was certainly more sincere than the pretty speech of Windy. Mary looked up at Cassy and met her eyes. She jerked her eyes away and looked down at her plate. 

Mia wheeled the meal in and began to place the dishes on the table. "I would like to thank Cassy for helping me make this meal tonight. She is going to make a fine cook. She has a lot of natural talent." 

Cassy blushed and stammered. "No I didn't. I only helped you. I couldn't have done anything without you telling me what to do."

The Professor intervened. "Well whoever made it, it looks delicious. Pass me some of those chicken breasts." Soon everyone was focusing on the food on their plates. The Professor raised his glass of water and proposed a toast to the cooks and everyone raised their glasses. 

Mia brought in the Lemon sorbet and served it with little cups of hot black very sweet coffee. Cassy inhaled the aroma of the coffee, her expression dubious. Coffee had always smelled wonderful and tasted horrible. She watched as the Professor took a small spoon of the lemon ice and then sipped the coffee. He sighed. She tried to do the exact same thing. The contrast between the cold sour sweet lemon and the hot bitter sweet coffee combined in her mouth. It was an very interesting flavor mixture. She wasn't sure if she liked it. She didn't hate it. 

The Professor cleared his throat. "Cassy, I need a helper to get the library straightened up. I saw that you had worked in a book store for a while. I was hoping you would volunteer to do that."

Cassy looked up a little startled. "I would love to do that, sir."

"Thank you. Could you stay for a few minutes after dinner and discuss that with me."

"Yes, Professor sir."

After the other residents left, he beckoned for her to move to a seat closer to the head of the table. "Work on the library when you have any free time. But I don't want you to neglect your therapy. I want you to make writing in your journal a priority. I also want you to make time to socialize with the other residents. Be sure to do at least thirty minutes of exercise every day."

His eyes measuring, he tipped up her chin and looked into her eyes. "How are you feeling after the medication today?"

"I feel fine now. I felt a little silly for a while in the kitchen, but that seems gone for the most part."

"Good. Cassy, the medication I gave you was a mixture of a mild sedative to keep your anxiety down, a truth serum to help get past your emotional barriers and an amnesic that prevents you from remembering what happened. It is very helpful for me to have an idea of what has you so hurt and frightened that you cannot face it."

Cassy felt a wave of dread. Her heart began to race. Her stomach lurched. Her hands started to shake. His voice became sharp and directive. "Cassy, stand up. Stand up, now!" She leaped to her feet. "Tell me what your body is feeling now." 

Suddenly irrationally she felt a wave of rage, "I feel like I want to hit you." Her hands were clenched, a wave of heat spread from the crown of her head and down her body. She could feel the hair on the back of her neck stand up. Her muscles tensed and trembled.

"That is the anger speaking. Its normal to feel angry. I am keeping you from running away. Take a deep breath. Inhale through your nose hold it for a count of three and then exhale through your mouth slowly." His voice slow and controlled he coached her through ten slow deep breaths. "Good now back to the feelings. You need learn to recognized the beginning signs of your fear so you can start blocking the behavior patterns you have developed. If you can start blocking and relaxing early you won't feel the misdirected anger you just experienced."

Cassy nodded, "My heart started to beat fast, my stomach felt sick, and it felt like I had to pee. I noticed my hands and legs started to tremble."

"Good job. Back to the original conversation. I want to talk with you a little about what I learned. I am not going to go into any details but I need to warn you that the reason that you can't remember and have so much fear and anger is because you were abused. I am sure you knew that on some level but could not think about it without disassociating." Cassy nodded and a shudder ran through her frame. He stopped and directed her to breath a few breaths. "You are doing really well."

"The amnesic medication is not permanent. You will gradually remember the things you revealed to me today. This is going to be a difficult time for you. I am going to try and make sure you are not alone for a while. The cameras in your room are turned on. During the day I want you either in the kitchen, the library, or the game room. Stay with somebody as much as you can. If you feel panicky or like hurting yourself I want you to come directly to me or Momma. I will be giving you a sleeping pill every night to help with nightmares. I want you to know that we will be here to help you through this. Facing this will be hard but I know you can do this. It will make you a stronger and happier person. It will mean you can stop falling."

Cassy was struggling to breath like he had directed her to. She felt like she was going to vomit any minute. "I think I am going to throw up."

"Sit down and lean over. Put your head between your knees. Keep breathing. Good girl. This will pass. I want you to follow my directions carefully. Go up to your room and change into gym clothes. Go down to the exercise room and run on the treadmill. Not just jog. Run. I want you to use up a lot of energy. I want your body to think it is getting to run away. Run until it is time for you to go to your room. Then go and write in your journal. Thats a long list. You have any questions?"

"What if it is night and I feel scared? Can I come out of my room?"

"I will give you a panic button to push. Someone will come to you. I will drop by your room around 11:00 to give you your sleep medication." 

When Cassy got to the basement, she saw that all four of the other residents were gathered watching a video on the big screen TV. It was a some action thing, with lots of shooting and car crashes. Cassy had the random thought that she had not watched television or gone to a movie in so long she could not remember the last time. She smiled and waved.

She set the treadmill for a slow jog and then as she warmed up she increased the speed. As her muscles warmed up she noticed that the nagging feeling of nausea was beginning to fade. The quick pounding of her feet and the stretch and swing of her legs and arms felt right. Soon she was completely relaxed letting the rhythm of her feet hitting the treadmill lull her.

She thought to herself that she should ask her Master to get a treadmill like this. It took her completely by surprise when she suddenly had a visual memory of running on a track, a group of girls in gym uniforms around her. She faltered and almost fell of the treadmill. She remembered. Yes, she had been on the track team. She was a good runner. 

Another memory floated up, a man in a white uniform, looming amazingly tall over her, his hand gripping her wrist as she looked up at him, talking to someone, "You have to watch this one, she is a runner." Cassy was aware enough to step off the treadmill. She held to the handle bar and forced herself to breath like the Professor had directed her to earlier. 

She flinched and whirled when she sensed someone moving up behind her. William was there, a frown of concern on his face. "D... Did you fall?" Cassy took one more deep breath and shook her head. "I was going too fast. I needed to take a break. Thanks for coming to ask."

As she walked back up to her room, Cassy was bubbling with a heady mix of exhilaration and nervous fear. To her surprise she felt an overwhelming sense of curiosity. She wanted to remember. She didn't care that it would be hard. She remembered the face of the little blond girl with the tears on her face that had been in the test last night. Somehow she identified with that face, like it was someone she used to know, someone she wanted to find. She had a deep feeling that the little girl needed her somehow, needed her to help her.

Cassy took a quick shower and pulled on a nightgown and robe. She sat down in front of her computer and read what she had written so far today. She read what she had written about having an orgasm in the morning. It seemed like that had been weeks ago. She tried to untangle all the experiences and feelings she had gone through today. She was still typing when the Professor knocked on her door. 

"Oh sir, I remember, I remember that I was a runner." 

He smiled and nodded. "I bet you were fast." He had a small white pill in a cup and a glass of water. "This will help with nightmares."

Cassy obediently took the pill. "I never have any dreams."

"Silly girl, everyone dreams. You just never wanted to remember them. One of the things I did today was give you some directions while you were deep under. I gave you a strong suggestion to remember. That you want to remember. That is one of the reasons you were so excited to tell me about being a runner."

He reached into his jacket pocket and got out a small plastic wireless intercom button. "If you feel panicked or like you might hurt yourself I want you to use this. Don't be dragging me out of bed because you want a drink of water. Or are feeling lonely." His tone was gentle and teasing.

He led her to her bed and pulled back the blankets. "Climb in and scoot over." 

Cassy felt a rush of nervous excitement as she slid over. Was he going to get in bed with her? She felt a wave of disappointment as he covered her over and tucked the covers in. He lay down on the bed beside her on top of the blankets and gently pulled her to lean against his chest, his hand stroking her fine blond hair. Cassy sighed and snuggled closer. 

Cassy for the first time felt brave enough to ask a question that had been echoing around inside her head. "Sir, did they abuse me sexually?"

He continued to stroke her hair. "None of the memories you found during our session were about sexual abuse. But Cassy you have some pretty scary memories inside this pretty head of yours."

"Why am I so afraid of having orgasms?"

"Only you know the true answer to that question. But it is likely to have a lot to do with you believing whether you have the right to feel loved. You will feel comfortable feeling pleasure when you feel like you deserve good things to happen to you."

Cassy sighed and snuggled close. He smelled good like pine and smoke. "I like this. If I pleased my Master he would hold me like this sometimes."

The Professor did not comment but his arms tightened, holding her closer. Cassy was deeply asleep before he left.

She was running. She could hear the fast patter of her feet as she fled down what felt like an endless corridor. Her heart was in her mouth. A horrible sense of terror seemed to loom behind her. She opened her mouth to scream but no sound came out. 

The familiar nagging beep of her alarm pulled Cassy awake. She was sitting straight up in bed, her hands clutching her blankets in a panicked grip. The dream was gone but the terror was real, it rumbled through her. "Oh god breath, just breath. In one, two, three. Hold, one, two, three. Out, one two three." Her voice was breathless and high as she tried to talk herself down. Suddenly keenly aware that she had an overwhelming urgent need to pee she raced to the bathroom. 

Cassy wondered why she was not disassociating. Anything that intense normally would have had her sinking away into the safe dull grays of her empty quiet unconsciousness. She pulled on her gym clothes and went down to the exercise room. She was a little nervous, nobody was down there and the Professor had instructed her to try not to be alone. Cassy was beginning to realize she was one of the few early morning people at the clinic. And the only one she had seen using the exercise equipment.

Curiosity overcame her inclination to obey the Professor's exact directions. He had said 'try' to stay around others, not never be alone. The experience of remembering the running was too exciting. She wanted more. She climbed up on the treadmill and set it for a quick walk and let her muscles warm and loosen up. Soon she was jogging and then running. The faster she went the faster she wanted to go. 

She thought to herself, 'I really am a runner', and then she realized that meant she was someone who would run away. In that memory the man in the white coat, he meant she would run away. She suddenly remembered the tall chain link fences and the dingy peeling paint of a place. Not a place, it was the Center. 

Cassy slowed the treadmill to a walk and let her mind float, the Center. She remembered the Center. There had been lots of girls there, little girls all in ugly green dresses. Men and women in white coats were there too. They all ate in a big room and they all slept in beds in a big room. She tried to remember how old she had been or what she looked like but the only face she could see in her head was the picture from her computer. She remembered lining up and taking medicine, she had to take the medicine and the lady in the white dress would make her open her mouth to show she had swallowed it.

There was a big field, mostly dirt, with a few patches of grass and weeds. All the girls would run and scream. She remembered playing chase. She remembered a little girl complaining that Cassy always wanted to run away and would never play fair. "Cassy you're it, you are supposed to chase us." There was a chain link fence around the field and she remembered climbing it and running away, not sure to where but wanting to be free. She clearly remembered the panic as she was chased down by heavy pounding feet and they laid heavy hands on her arms, stopping her, pulling her back to the Center.

She was pulled back to the present by the Professor calling for her. He was coming down the stairs with a cup of coffee in his hand. "I am down here."

"You are late for breakfast. Are you all right."

"Oh my god, I am sorry sir. I must have lost track of the time."

Cassy stepped off the treadmill and walked up to the Professor and knelt, unconsciously falling into the patterns of her behavior around her Master. He smiled and lifted her to her feet. "I am not your Master, Cassy, you do not need to kneel for me. But I must say you make a pretty sight down there. Did you disassociate? Is that why you are late?"

Cassy frowned and shook her head. "No sir, its more like I am associating. I feel kind of like a computer that has a huge file to down load. I have been getting lots of memories and they seem to be linked to other memories and those lead to others. I feel like I am getting lost in my head a little. But I am here. I don't feel like I am fading at all. In fact everything seems a little sharper and brighter if that is the correct analogy."

"It will be like that for a while. Anything you couldn't handle?"

"I had a dream that left me feeling really terrified, but I breathed like you taught me. I don't know why I didn't fade out on that."

"I told you to stop doing that."

Cassy felt an irrational wave of panic and rage. "You can't do that. I need it. You don't understand. I need it. I have to be able to go there." She pushed at him, grabbing his arms, trying to shake him. "Give it back, I have to go there. She is lost in there and I have to go there. She will be lost without me."

His coffee cup dropped and splashed. He pulled her tight against his chest and held her arms tight against her sides. "Tell me who is lost."

Cassy struggled and wailed, "The little girl, she is lost." A tiny part of Cassy's rational mind stood back and watched. She was puzzled. What the hell was she doing. 




Finding Home Ch. 04



"Tell me about this little girl."

"She has to hide, they are looking for her. They are going to hurt her again. They are trying to kill her."

"What is her name?"

"Cassy, her name is... Oh my god what are you doing to me?"

"I am trying to help you Cassy. She is not in there anymore. She is here. She is here inside your heart, inside your head. You are the little girl that was lost. You can come out of your hiding place."

Cassy's legs went limp and she sagged against him. Suddenly it seemed like a light switched on inside her head. She began to shudder as she remembered, remembered a chaotic kaleidoscope of terror and pain, hands slapping her endlessly, a hand with a coat hanger whipping her, being pushed down and kicked. It was like watching a movie, she could see herself clearly, a tiny fragile blond doll, but the other actors were dark and unfocused. She was horrified to see that throughout all the memories that the little blond haired girl never once cried or screamed or tried to fend off a blow. 

Cassy heard the deep grinding grief in her voice, "How could they do that to her? How could they hurt me like that? I was just a baby." 

"It wasn't your fault Cassy. They were evil angry hurtful people. They were punished for hurting you. They went to jail for a really long time."

"You knew?"

"After our session yesterday I did some research and found some newspaper articles. If you want to sign some releases of information we could probably get some more information from the treatment center you were at."

"I think I want to know."

"No body else is in the kitchen. I think we can break the dress rules this time. I want you to drink some liquids and get some carbohydrates into your system. Then you can get dressed for the day and check your computer. You plan out your day after that. You will be getting lots of random thoughts and feelings. Just remind yourself that it was not your fault. And that was then and this is now."

Cassy apologized, "Sorry Momma, I have been losing track of time. I hope I am not too late for breakfast. I sure don't need another lecture about being too skinny."

"You love my lectures. I left out a breakfast for you. Late girls get whats served and like it." 

Cassy sat down and looked at the two hardboiled eggs, cold toast and tall glass of orange juice. She swallowed. She hated eggs, the yolk of hardboiled eggs made her gag. "Momma. I hate eggs. I can't eat the yellow part. Please do I have to eat the yellow part?" Cassy was a little nervous about the way her voice sounded whiny. 

"Eat what you can, leave the yolks. I will pour you a glass of milk."

Milk was certainly the lesser of two evils. Cassy forced down the breakfast as fast as she could.

Once in her room she took a fast shower, just rinsing off the sweat from her run. At the computer she opened her journal. She checked what he had said about her entries of the day before. He did not write much but he did ask why she did not answer the questions about what she thought her Master had been thinking and urged her to put some thought into answering. 

The Professor had left a few notes at the bottom of her journal. He told her that he was not going to post the video from their last session right away but she would have a chance to review it later in her therapy. He said he would not have time to meet with her today but would check in with her after dinner to see how she was doing.

There was a new daily assignment on her desk top. She was a little apprehensive but found it was a simple assignment asking her to list things she liked to do. He wanted her to list things she did now for enjoyment and things she had liked to do in the past that she had lost track of.

She thought to herself that this assignment wouldn't be to hard. She suspected the list was going to be depressingly short. 

She knew it would take a while for her to write about this morning. She wanted to write it now while all the thoughts and feelings were fresh in her mind. She settled down at the keyboard, the words practically flying from her fingers. She had the idle thought that it was getting easier to write in her journal. 

The Professor's request that she think about how her Master was feeling was not so easy. She realized that maybe it had not been an accident that she had missed this. 

Her Master had always seemed a mystery to her. It felt somehow disrespectful to wonder how he felt. He had the right to feel anything he wished and it was her role to accept it. Did he miss her? Did he love her? Was he angry or sad? He never spoke of his feelings. He always seemed calm and in control of himself. He spoke little and his voice was always soft and low. 

Cassy realized she did not know how he felt. She wrote this down. She wrote that she loved him, that she missed him desperately but the words did not resonate so strongly as she wrote them. She knew she had felt safe with him. She felt like if he had not found her and made her his, that she would probably be dead. She felt like she owed him her allegiance and loyalty. Rereading her entry she realized that it read like she was ambivalent about her feelings. She once more wrote that she loved him, but then had a random thought that she wasn't sure what love was. She sensed a building sense of nervousness about this whole thing and abruptly closed the window.

She stood up and paced through her room. She realized she needed to get out there. She needed to do something to get her mind to calm down. She headed down to the library. As she passed through the kitchen she stopped and asked Momma about dust rags and other cleaning stuff. "Once I start digging through those piles of books, I bet I will find a lot of dust."

"For sure baby girl, the cleaning crew comes on Monday and they won't go in there."

Momma's comment about Monday made Cassy stop and wonder, what day it was. "Momma what day of the week is it?"

"Thursday."

"Yea, Monday I got the package, Tuesday I got here, Wednesday was yesterday. Momma it seems like I have been here for weeks instead of days."

"Yes, the Professor tends to cram a lot into each of our days. It is exciting to keep up, but it can be exhausting at times too. Lets get you some cleaning rags and some dust spray. It will be nice once you organize that library. That room hardly gets used now."

Cassy threw herself into the work. She spent all morning just sorting the various types of books, magazines, and other media into piles all around the room. Her hair was coming out of her pony tail and her white blouse was smudged with dust. She had kicked off her shoes when the heels started to hurt and the bottoms of her white nylons were black and a run ran up one leg.

She tried to focus on the books but her mind kept spiraling back. Did she even know what love was? Had she ever felt it? Had anyone ever really loved her? 

William walked in and stood uncertainly in the door. Cassy stopped and smiled, "These uniforms don't lend themselves to working much. I should have thought to change into my sweats. Would you like to help?"

Williams shoulders came up high around his ears and he began to rub his hands together nervously. He stuttered violently, "T... t... t... too d... d... d... d... dirty."

"Its OK. I don't mind doing it myself. I just thought it would be nice to have company. Do you think you could just stand there and maybe we could talk?"

William shrugged, "I... I... I suck at t... t... talking."

"I am not very comfortable with talking too. William have you ever been in love?"

"N... n... no."

"I have been thinking about love. I don't know if I know what it is. How does someone know they are in love?"

William looked very thoughtful and shrugged. "I... I... j... j... just figured I... I... w... w... w... would know it w... w... when it happened." The last three words came out in a rush. 

Cassy nodded, "Thanks William. What time is it anyway?"

He looked at his watch, "All... almost n... noon."

"I think I will go clean up for lunch. I liked talking with you. You can't talk fast but I think it makes you think more. What you said made a lot of sense." 

Cassy quickly changed into a clean uniform and checking the clock quick she decided she had enough time to start a load of laundry. Carrying down her clothes she started a quick load. 

Momma was stirring a big pot of soup. "How did it go in the library?"

"Great, I got a good start. I sure got dirty. I should have put on my sweats. I hope that I didn't stain my blouse. Momma can I ask you some questions?"

"Of course, sweet girl."

"You knew your Master loved you, how did you know?"

"That is a very complicated question. The simplest answer is, he told me. He told me he loved me everyday. But anyone can say the words. Its how he showed me he loved me that made me know for sure. He took such good care of me. He put my needs before his. He did not spoil me. He did not indulge me. His strength and discipline made me a better person. Even when he would torment me I could sense the love in his heart. And god bless that man in heaven he had an evil genius to make me suffer. He knew I needed it to feel complete. I never felt so loved as when he would test me and force me to find new limits. Sweet girl that is only the tip of the iceberg but I hope that helped answer your question at least a little."

"You loved him very much."

"Without him I was nothing. I would have done anything for him. When I was apart from him I felt like a hole was in my heart. When the cancer took him away from me I nearly died. If it had not been for the Professor I probably would have."

"My master has never once told me he loved me."

"Sweet girl, its a rare man who can tell a woman his feelings. Many Masters think they would be showing weakness to use such words. Don't listen for words so much. Look at the things he does. He sent you here. To be parted from you must be agony and yet he wants you to get better and is willing to give you this. I am sure he shows his love for you in a thousand ways."

"I don't know what love feels like."

The Professors voice was soft and gentle. He was standing in the door. "Cassy you don't even know what hungry feels like." Cassy scrambled to her feet, wondering how long he had been listening to their conversation. 

"You are new at learning about your feelings. You have a lifetime of trying to hide from feelings. You are a brand new baby when it comes to all this. Don't rush this. It will come. Listen to Momma. She knows love better than any of us here."

Turning to Momma, he dramatically sniffed the air. "What magic have you worked today? Something smells wonderful."

"Homemade chicken noodle soup, salad and fresh baked rolls, you hungry devil."

"If I hadn't been hungry before I would be now. Come on Cassy we can't let all this hard work go to waste." He got out two big bowls from cupboard and held them out to Momma in a beseeching manner. "Please Momma can we have some soup?" 

Momma laughed and filled both bowls. "I used up the left overs from dinner last night." She got out the salad, a few different bottles of dressing and the warm loaf of bread. She set a place. "For William." She dished herself up a bowl of soup and came and sat down with them. 

Cassy wondered where Windy, Acadia, and Mary was. "What about the other girls, don't they come eat lunch?" 

Momma answered, "Windy takes college classes most days, Acadia has a part time job, and Mary attends a special high school." 

Cassy was surprised. She somehow had assumed because she had made the agreement to not leave that no one else could to. She thought about what it would be like to go out but decided she did not want to, not even to go home to her Master. She was feeling too confused about her feelings.

The Professor sighed and pushed back his plate. "Awesome, perfectly awesome Momma. I don't deserve you. You are a magician." Turning to Cassy he said, "I have releases for you to sign. I will bring them up to your room after lunch."

Cassy nodded. "Thank you, Professor sir. How did you find out which place it was. I don't remember the name."

"There were only a couple publicly funded girls inpatient treatment facilities open during that time span. I figured you were there sometime between your fifth and tenth birthday. I have narrowed it down to just a couple of possible options. I have some favors I can call in. It won't take too long to find out what we need."

Cassy changed into sweats for the afternoon. She wasn't sure if she was going to break the rules, but it felt just stupid to do the heavy lifting and cleaning that she was facing in the library in stockings, heels and white blouse.

She finished clearing off all the shelves and dusting them working from the top down. She had the beginnings of a plan for organizing the books and began to place them back. Carefully sorting the stacks in the morning made the process of shelving them go more quickly. Cassy stacked all the out of date periodicals that were older than a year and set them aside to throw out or archive depending on what the professor wanted. 

There was a big cabinet filled with games and jigsaw puzzles. Cassy smiled as she looked at the puzzles. She loved jigsaw puzzles. She could not remember when she had last done one. She carefully sorted, dusted and organized them in a more accessible stacks. She did not check them to see if games had all their pieces. She had a thought that maybe William might be able to help her with that once things were a little cleaner. 

By late afternoon she had pretty much finished putting away the books on the shelves. All the stacks were gone. There were quite a few things she wasn't sure if they belonged in the library. There was a big stack of videos and music discs but no players. She wondered if the videos should be stored in the library or down in the game room where she had seen the others watching movies. Maybe the games should go downstairs too. 

Cassy decided to take a break and went downstairs. She knew it was OK to wear sweats downstairs and she did not feel like changing. She finished doing her laundry. Setting the clean clothes carefully aside to keep them from wrinkling she wandered into the games area. 

In a cabinet she found a bunch of videos and decided to carry down the rest from the library and organize them down here. There was no table do games or puzzles down here and she thought about asking the Professor if that would be OK for them to have one down here. She thought it would be a good idea to have a puzzle to work on if she was going to try socializing down here. 

There was plenty of room in the downstairs cabinets for her to bring the games downstairs too. 

Cassy was sorting the videos when Windy came down the stairs. She was wearing the black skirt and white blouse uniform of the clinic. Windy stopped and looked at her from the bottom of the stairs, "What you doing?"

"I found these videos in the library, when I was cleaning up in there. I figured they belonged down here. You just get back from school?"

"College, yea."

"What classes you taking?"

"Anatomy, physiology, and medical terminology. I want to become a nurse."

Cassy felt a pang of alarm. She sure as hell wasn't sure if she would want Windy as her nurse. "Is it hard?"

"No, the classes are easy. I always did good in school." Windy moved up to stand closer, looking over Cassy's shoulder as she organized the videos. "Ooh, I didn't know we had that one. She reached a pulled an old copy of "Gone With the Wind" off the shelf. "This used to be my favorite movie. I haven't seen it in for freakin ever." 

Cassy felt Windy's hand on her back. She froze, feeling suddenly very wary. Windy began to softly stroke her back. Cassy stood and turned to face the girl, not knowing exactly how to say she didn't want to be touched. Windy smiled and stepped closer, her hand reaching to touch Cassy's face. Cassy put up her hand, pushing the caressing palm away, "Stop, please don't."

"Don't you like girls? Or is it me? Maybe you don't like me?"

"Windy, I don't know if I like you or not. You have not done much to make me like you."

"I could do something now. I am sure you would like it. I am very good at doing things people like. And you are so sweet and innocent. Your pretty big blue eyes, your caught in the headlights look of helplessness, that baby blond hair... I could eat you up pretty girl."

"Windy, it is against the rules." Cassy knew that she did not want to have sex with this woman. Windy was way too scary to be around normally. She could not imagine being in a position of being vulnerable to her.

"And you always follow the rules? I bet you are such a good girl."

Acadia and William came in to the room. Acadia spoke up, "It is a good idea to follow the rules. The Professor seems to have a sixth sense when it comes to things around here. Hey Cassy hows it going. Don't let Windy trick you into getting into trouble." 

Windy laughed and backed up. "I was just joking around."

Acadia's voice was sarcastic. "Yea, just joking."

Cassy could tell the Windy was not going to try and argue with Acadia. The young black girl had an aura of toughness and strength that brooked no nonsense. 

Cassy responded, "Doing pretty good. Its been a big change coming here. I guess I have been pretty depressed lately. The Professor says its because of my childhood. You go to work?"

"Yea, I volunteer part time at an outpatient drug treatment program. The Professor says it will help me with my sobriety to help others with theirs. Its OK I guess but kind of a downer sometimes. People are so stupid. I get so pissed when somebody who has been doing so good suddenly fucks up and starts using again."

"It must be discouraging."

"The worst part is when they try to get me to flush my life down the shitter with them. Seems like every user wants company, so they don't feel like such a loser."

"They offer you drugs?"

"All the time."

"It must be hard to say no."

"It is a bitch. But I have put so much work into this so far. I am damned if I am going to throw that away. The Professor has given me a reason to live. Drugs are not going to be a part of that."

"Do you want to be a drug counselor?"

"Fuck no. I hate it there. I want to be a teacher. I just need to stay clean for a year and the Professor says he will get me a scholarship."

"Wow."

"Well a year is a long time. Like they say... 'one day at a time'."

"What time is it?"

"Almost 7:00, we have an hour till dinner." Cassy spent the next hour playing pool or watching as William and Acadia played each other. Windy did not play but stood around making sarcastic comments now and then. 

William was a talented player but took an frustratingly long time to select his shots. Cassy had not played pool before and was terrible. Windy could not resist making comments. Cassy did not like the way she was talking but did not have the confidence to confront her. Instead she complemented William on his skill. "You are really good. I can tell you understand the game really well. You should help me practice sometime during the day." He smiled and nodded.

"Thanks for playing. I have to go get ready for dinner." Cassy grabbed her laundry from the wash room and headed upstairs. In her room she found a stack of papers next to her computer. They were releases for three different treatment centers. She signed them all. She felt a shiver of excitement.



Finding Home Ch. 05



Cassy had about a half hour before she needed to go down for dinner. She debated what to do with her time. She quickly changed into her uniform and checked her computer. There was nothing new on her desk top. She decided to start on the list of what she liked to do. 

It was easier to think of things she used to do. She used to like reading. For as long as she could remember she had always had at least a half dozen books she was reading at the same time. All kinds; mysteries, nonfiction, adventure, fantasy, trash, she had loved them all. Somehow the refuge of reading had lost its ability to lull her and she had found herself turning to the grayness more. 

She had liked puzzles, word puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, any kind of puzzle. She remembered liking to count, sort, and catalog things and when she worked at the bookstore she would be the first to volunteer to do inventory work. 

It was time for dinner before she knew it. She had to hurry down the stairs to be standing behind her chair on time. She was last to arrive but the big clock on the mantle said 7:59. She let out a sigh of relief, somehow she really did not want to be called out for being late. The professor arrived precisely at 8:00 and they all sat down to another wonderful meal. Conversation was light, revolving around their experiences of the day, weather, food.

Cassy was surprised to find she was ravenous, eating everything on her plate and helping herself to seconds. The Professor's voice was approving, "Seems like someone has found her appetite."

Cassy blushed and grinned, "Like you say Momma has a magic touch."

"Well enjoy it today. Momma has a couple well earned days of vacation coming and we are on our own for the next two days. What kind of order out are we going to indulge ourselves in tomorrow? I am thinking maybe Thai? Lets plan on eating in the kitchen."

Windy and Acadia voted a loud yes. Mary shrugged as if she didn't care. William nodded with a smile. Cassy had never had Thai food before. She nodded uncertainly, "Is it very spicy? I don't much like food that is too hot."

"We can order some not so spicy stuff for you. If you are here for dinner."

Cassy's head snapped up. Where could she be. Her heart raced and she tried to catch his eyes. What did he mean 'if she was here'. She caught his eyes looking at her amused and yet warning off her asking any questions.

Cassy stayed after dinner to speak with the Professor remembering he had made the statement he wanted to check in with her after dinner. She sat at her place trying to look relaxed, idly folding her napkin, resisting the urge to pepper him with questions. 

"How was your day Cassy."

"I kept pretty busy with working in the library. I got it mostly sorted out but there are some things I guess I should ask you about."

"Like what."

"Like do you want to hang onto the out of date magazines. Can I move the games downstairs? Is there a table we can put downstairs to play games with? Just a lot of little questions. I think it might be nice if I could set up an index system so if people checked out books they could sign them out."

The Professor laughed and held up his hand. "OK OK I get it. You might make a list of that kind of stuff and give it to me. I am happy that you are taking such an interest in setting it up so nice. You used to work at a bookstore. Why did you stop?"

"My Master takes care of everything. He wanted me to stay home with him."

"I wonder if you need to be caged up so tightly."

Cassy wondered if he was criticizing her Master. It would never had occurred to her to even wonder if any of his decisions were correct. If he had made them, they just were. "Professor, please what did you mean 'if I am here for dinner'? Where would I be?"

"It is normal for residents to go out. They frequently visit with family and friends over the weekends. I know Mary will be gone the whole weekend. I would not be surprised if your Master might like to spend some time with you."

Cassy felt a rush of excitement and at the same time a kind of dread. She always had this underlying sense of not quite being good enough for her Master, like he was standing at a distance judging her and seeing her weaknesses. "Do you think I am ready to go out? It has been only a couple of days. What if I get scared?"

"I wouldn't let you do anything I thought was risky for you and it would be good for you two to spend some time together. Aren't you happy about the idea of seeing him?"

"Yes, of course I am happy. I just kind of feel afraid of..." Her voice faltered, "...afraid of...not being just right... of being not good enough. Sometimes I feel like I don't know what he wants from me."

"If you don't know what he wants, why don't you ask him?"

"I can't. I can't talk to him. Its more than just not being allowed to speak. Its like even if I could talk I wouldn't be able to find the words."

"The only way you can learn to do this is by trying. Write him. Write him a letter. Ask him what he wants. Tell him what you want. Tell him how you feel. I know he wants to hear from you."

"You have talked to him?"

"Cassy, he comes here for therapy. Didn't he tell you that? He asks how you are doing. He writes about missing you in his journal every day."

"He writes in a journal?"

"All my patients have a journal. Its a key part of how I do therapy. Cassy, your Master is a man, just like many other men. You seem to have lost track of that." 

Cassy nodded uncertainly. She had a sudden thought. He was normal but she wasn't. 

The Professor smiled and stood. "Enough of this talk, I wanted to ask you about how you have been doing with memories. How did today go as far as your feelings or memories about being abused?"

Cassy was stunned. She had not thought about it at all. She could remember it happening and she could find the memories inside her head but she had not thought about it at all. "Oh my god. How come I haven't been thinking about that?"

"I would suspect you have a life time habit of not thinking about it. We have knocked down the wall between you and your memories but you have to find the pathways. It is not terribly important to relive every second but understanding what happened to you will help you understand how it shaped you. You will have more insight into understanding why you relate to the world the way you do."

"There is just so much I don't understand. I don't know what I feel half the time. You say to tell him what I want. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I could want."

"Its a big amazing world. Today is the first day you have stopped hiding from it. It is full of infinite possibilities. You are a bright beautiful young woman. You have all the time in the world to find what you want. Don't worry about it too much. Just take the time to take joy in what you do."

"I think I love you."

"Good Cassy. Love is a good thing. Freely given, love is the greatest gift we can give. The awesome thing is that there is no limit to love. The more people you let into your life, the more people you love, the more love you will have to give. Now we have been talking for a while and its time you got yourself up to your room. Work on your journal. Write a letter to your Master. I will be up at eleven to give you a sleeping medication."

Cassy scampered to her room. Somehow the conversation with the Professor had left her energized, her mind racing. Was that love? His complete understanding of her, his commitment to her care, the safety she felt when she was with him, her absolute trust in him seemed like it was love. Her Master took care of her too but rarely spoke with her and never listened. She wondered if he knew her at all. 

In her room she wrote in her journal and thought about a letter to her Master.

Dear Sir,

I miss you so much. I never thought I could ever live apart from you. You came to me when I was completely lost. If you had not found me when you did I probably would be dead now. 

The Professor asks me how I think you feel, how you felt when you were writing me. I have to admit I never allowed myself the familiarity of assuming how you may be feeling. Now that I have to think about it, I feel at a loss. The Professor says you love me and that feels good to know. There is a wonderfully kind lady who cooks here who tells me that love is when you put the other persons needs before your own. I know I always felt like you cared a lot for me because you took care of me. I have always felt safe when I was with you. 

I have learned that I have been hiding away from my feelings my whole life. The Professor has helped me remember that I was abused by my family when I was little and I learned to hide away inside my mind to protect myself from the fear and anger I felt. The habit of hiding saved my sanity but left me alone lost, trapped in a prison of my own making. I just have found my way out but I feel exposed and vulnerable. 

I have a lot to learn about feeling. I am not sure exactly what all this is about or where I am going. The Professor says for me not to worry too much about figuring this out all at once. He says I have plenty of time to figure out what I want. The one thing I know I want is for you to still be in my life. 

I feel like I somehow failed you by my weakness. I wished I could have come to you whole and unhurt. I wish I could have been better for you. I am so sorry if I disappointed you by my retreats into what the Professor calls disassociation. For me it was a safe place to go. You wanted me quiet, you wanted me still, you wanted me to totally submit to you, all those things made it easier and easier for me to slip away into the swirling gray wind that had been my refuge for so long. As I write this I wonder if pain and fear aren't the pathways that lead me there. 

The Professor says he thinks you might spend some time with me this weekend. I really want to see you but everything seems so new all of a sudden. It would help me a lot if you could talk to me more about what you want from me. I gave myself to you and I don't want that to change but I am afraid of losing myself again. For the first time in my life I feel like something wonderful is happening to me. I am not sure what it is but I want you to be part of it.

This letter is long and rambles. I just sat down and wrote. I am still feeling very confused about my life. I feel like I just woke up and when I think about all the things that have happened to me its like looking at an old movie you watched a long time ago. The only happy parts I remember were when I was with you. I am not sure if I know what love is but I know if I ever loved anyone I want you to be the one. You came into my life when I had nothing and gave me a life.

I am not sure what I want other than I want you. It would be a great help if you could tell me what you want.

Love Cassy

As Cassy reread the letter she wondered if she should say all these things to her Master. She had never allowed herself to talk about her feelings with him. How would he feel about this outpouring of confused ideas and thoughts. She thought seriously about deleting the whole thing and starting over. It would be so much safer to write a 'how are you, i am fine, the food is good here at camp' kind of letter. But she was sure that when the Professor had urged her to write her Master that he did not have that kind of letter in mind. At least she felt like what she had written was honest. She really did want to stay with her Master. She just wasn't sure if she wanted the same silent stillness that has marked their time together. It was almost like a morgue sometimes and she felt like she would stifle there now.

Cassy sighed and pushed all this to one side. It was starting to just revolve in circles in her head. She decided that this was one of those things that the Professor had said not to rush.

Opening her journal she added some of the questions that writing the letter had brought to her mind. Last she added the request for a table for games in the basement and a wish that the Professor could maybe meet with her in the library at his convenience to discuss some ideas she had.

Cassy opened the assignment of writing what she enjoyed doing. So soon after thinking so intensely about her Master she thought about what she liked to do with him. She wrote how she liked reading to him. Sitting at his feet, in a darkened room with only a tiny lamp to illuminate the pages she would read for hours, her body totally relaxed leaning against his leg, his hand gentle on her hair, feeling like their whole world was just the two of them and the story. It was the only time she spoke aloud in his presence. 

She loved when he would just reach out and touch her, a caress to her cheek, a stroke on her hair. She wrote how she loved when he would hold her close to him, his arms wrapped safe around her, his heart beating next to hers. She wrote how it thrilled her to bring him pleasure, submitting to his needs, striving for perfection in serving his wishes. She wrote she loved to feel him inside her, the wonderful intimacy of his raw need of her flesh as he strained against her in his completion. 

Cassy knew that she rarely found sexual excitement in the pain he sometimes asked of her. She had always been able to fly away on the gray wind if things got more than she was able to bear. She wondered if she could submit to the times when he hurt her with the same silence and stillness that he had come to expect if she stayed there and did not fade away. 

Cassy's mind spiraled back to the last time they had been together sexually. It had been after dinner. He always cooked and she had always cleaned up the kitchen. She remembered him sitting there in his dark glasses watching as she put the dishes in the dishwasher and wiped down the counters. She had been nude but was wearing a small frilly apron to do the cleaning. She was just about to let the warm soapy water out of the sink when he came up close behind her. She became very still, standing, waiting for some signal as to what he was wanting. He gripped the back of her neck and slowly pushed her forward, the movement deliberate and strong he pushed her face down into the water, clear down until her face was pressed hard against the bottom of the sink. His body hard against hers, his hips crushing her to the counter, his chest pressing down on her back, his breath hot on the back of her neck. She had allowed the downward movement until her face touched the suds and she felt a slight tremor of hesitation course through her body. Her hands gripped the edge of the counter to brace herself, but she did not push back against his hand until she could not hold her breath any longer. She began to instinctively struggle to pull her face out of the water. The fear of drowning overcoming her deeply ingrained surrender to his hands. 

He let her up to breath, just barely letting her head above the water. She sobbed and coughed, dragging air deep into her lungs. His voice was soft and deep in her ear, "Don't you trust me?" and he pushed her under again. This time she fought every inch but he was stronger, he held her under until she saw dark spots in front of her eyes. Again he relented. As she gasped in the air, she heard his words again, "Don't you trust me?" Cassy remembered how she nodded as she coughed and strangled trying to fill her lungs, then she had placed her hand on top of his and pushed her own head under, forcing her whole body to soften against his, helping to hold her own head under the water rather than fighting him.

She remembered how warm the water had felt on her face, the feel of his body tight against hers, his hard cock pressing against her valley of her ass. If he wanted her to drown than that was what would be and her place was to embrace it like she had embraced every other test he put before her. The next thing she was aware of was him shaking her, water flying from her hair as her head was flung about by his arms trying to wake her. 

She remembered looking into his eyes, his magical pale blue eyes framed by the whitest of lashes and seeing the horror there. She smiled as she realized she was not dead and her hand reached to touch his face to somehow reassure him that it was OK. She was OK. He had crushed her to his chest and kissed her with an intensity that had startled her. He had taken her there on the kitchen floor, his lips never leaving hers as he thrust hard, forcing himself into her. She had been unready for him, her cunt dry and closed, but he took her anyway, needing to feel her life under his hands, his lips, his cock. She could still feel the burning pain of his thrusts into her and his deep convulsive shudder and groan as he poured his essence into her.

She had cradled him in her arms and the valley of her legs, holding him to her as he softly kissed her with demanding lips, his hands stroking her wet hair, staring endlessly into her eyes. Then he had suddenly grown distant and pulled away from her. He stood and left her laying there. His only words had been, "Finish cleaning up in here and go to your room." Only then after he was gone did she feel the tears start to spill from her eyes.

Her room was in the basement, adjacent to the central room where he tested her. It had no bed but there was a luxurious pile of pillows and blankets on a soft sleeping mat on the floor. He never came into her room preferring to come to her doorway and direct her to come to him. There was a lock on the door but he had never locked her in. His word was lock enough.

The professor's knock pulled her from her reverie. She noticed she was still in her uniform. She rushed to let him in. Once again he carried the small white pill and once again she obediently swallowed down the medication without question. 

"I am sorry I wasn't ready for bed. I was writing and it started me thinking and I lost track of time."

"Go ahead and change into a nightie and tell me what you were thinking about."

Cassy went into the bathroom, speaking loud enough for him to hear from the bedroom and began to pull off her uniform. "I was thinking about what it was like to live with my Master. What things I liked and what was hard. I think I am afraid if I go back that I would just go back to being like I was before, and I don't want that. I want to stay with him but at the same time I am not sure how I can. He is so strong. He pushes me so hard sometimes. I am not sure I can do it anymore."

"What kinds of things are you afraid of?" 

Cassy told him the story of her Master forcing her head into the sink. She spoke of her terror and her surrender. The Professor nodded. "He told me about that. Tell me about what was the hardest part."

"It wasn't being drowned. It wasn't that I thought I was going to die. It was when he walked away and left me laying on the floor afterward. I felt so alone then. I don't think I could take that anymore."

Cassy climbed into bed and moved over to the middle hoping he would once again lay beside her, holding her against his chest but he just sat on the foot of the bed. "You need more affection, more reassurance?"

"I just want to feel wanted. When he walked away it felt like I was so alone. I could not figure out why he could not stand to be with me. Why he was in such a hurry to get away from me."

"Sometimes the intensity of the experience is a light too bright."

Cassy knew this metaphor. Her Master avoided bright light. He was albino and the lack of pigment in his eyes made him sensitive. He could go out in daylight but he would get headaches. He hated the smell and sensation of sunscreen. His habit was to only leave the house in the dusk and night. 

"He left me alone on the kitchen floor because he was afraid?"

"Not afraid of you. Afraid of his feelings. Afraid of losing control of himself. He values his self control very much."




Finding Home Ch. 05



Cassy nodded. "So much of what he demands from me involves self control, mental and physical control... and grace. He requires my grace... he wants me to move slowly always in perfect balance, always a calm expression on my face... silent and slow and graceful..." Her voice was soft and introspective. "I miss it and I fear it at the same time."

"Perfect grace is the embodiment of perfect control."

"I am far from perfect."

"Your Master thinks you are."

"And that makes me a light too bright?"

"Very perceptive. He sees in you something he covets. Sometimes his need for you is overwhelming. Also he fears losing you. Many of his tests are tests of his possession of you as much as a measure of your ability to maintain grace in the face of pain and fatigue."

Cassy's memory flashed back to kneeling with perfect balance upon two pencils simultaneously holding two weights over her head with her hands, perfectly still and balanced, still and silent. Holding perfect posture for what seemed hours, ignoring the quivering fatigue in her arms, ignoring the building pain as the simple ridges under her knees became agony beyond imagining. His soft words of release, telling her to stand. Expecting, no demanding her slow graceful elevation to standing still holding the weights balanced in her palms. Her triumph and pride as she forced her legs to straighten beneath her, embracing and transcending the fatigue and pain, the pride swelling in her chest as she presented the weights to him, still perfectly balanced on her palms, as a tribute to his direction.

"I liked the control. Sometimes it had a beauty that was so exquisite that it broke my heart. And yet I feared failure so much. The disappointment in his eyes was beyond bearing."

"He feels the same way."

"Is he going to be here tomorrow?"

"If he can face the light."

"I wrote him. It is in my journal. Please read it. I kind of rambled a lot about my feelings. If you think it shines too brightly send it back to me."

"Cassy, he needs to learn to come out of the dark. Just like you did. Both of you have been hiding away. He is learning about himself just like you are learning about yourself. It may have been chance that led to your meeting but it was your mutual retreat from life that drew you together. He has grown a lot, what ever you have to say he will be able to hear."

"Did people hurt him like they hurt me?"

"Not the same no. His family loved him very much. They sheltered him perhaps to much, but the world is often cruel to people who look different. His family did not prepare him for the rejections he experienced. He was a very sensitive child, very aware of the reactions of people around him. In addition his poor vision added to his difficulties negotiating the larger world. In the end he retreated into his little world of his home where he could have his control, unaware that he had created a cage as much as he had a refuge."

"I hope he comes tomorrow. I need to see him." Cassy was feeling increasingly sleepy. She could feel the drug slowly dragging her down. "I think I am going to fall asleep soon. Thank you for staying and talking to me."

"I find that it is a good time for getting in touch with feelings, as the day draws to a close. Sleep well Cassy, tomorrow is a whole new day."

Cassy did not hear him leave.



Finding Home Ch. 06



When Cassy woke in the morning she wondered if the medication he gave her was designed to make her dream. It seemed like she had dreamed all night long, sliding from one dream to another. Most of them were vague and crazy, just images... her Master standing watching her, his beautiful white hair falling down his back, his marble white flesh just beyond the reach of her fingertips, opening his mouth to speak but no words coming out... her running down that endless corridor with the terror behind her but now she could see the Professor standing in front of her, a place of refuge from the nameless horror pursuing her... Windy nude and threatening, demanding sex and pain... Momma with endless plates of food demanding she eat and eat, saying love is food, food is love... 

The last and only dream she remembered clearly was a long complex dream where she kept trying to have sex with the Professor but people kept interrupting them, walking into the room. She had been so horny in that dream, it was like she would die if she didn't get the Professor to fuck her. He did not seem like he wanted her all that bad. He kept talking to the people who came in like nothing was happening as she kept rubbing herself against him, trying to reach into his pants, rubbing at herself in a kind of crazy sexual frenzy. 

Cassy was still feeling the same hot throbbing between her legs after she woke up. Reaching down she felt the hot mushy wetness oozing out of her cunt. She had never felt this wet before in her life. She sighed and spread her legs, letting the sensation of her fingers sliding so effortlessly over her hard swollen clit wash over her. She thought about her dream and closed her eyes, rocking her hips in time with the movements of her hand against her flesh. The feeling was deeper and stronger than she had experienced in her life. She felt heat and tension building in her legs and pelvic floor. When she came she allowed herself a long soft moan, the tremors of her stomach muscles throbbing in her throat. Her voice was soft and wondering, "Good girl."

As she quickly pulled on her sweats, Cassy thought to herself, 'so this is what all the excitement is about'. Previous to this she had not completely understood what all the excitement about this mystical orgasm was all about. She had wanted to be able to come because it would just have added to her value to her Master. The few orgasms she had experienced had seemed a poor reward for the amount of work they required. What she had experienced this morning added a whole new dimension to this sex thing.

Once again she was the only one up as she quietly headed to the basement for a run on the treadmill. "I have to get me one of these." She softly promised herself as she ran. Her room was tiny but she could fit one in there if he would allow it. A tiny spark of resentment bubbled up. Why did she have to filter every single thing through him and his approval. She stumbled in her rhythm and almost fell. She had not ever doubted him before and she hated it. 

Cassy realized her conversation with the Professor last night had opened her eyes to the possibility that her Master may have imperfections, that it was possible that he could be wrong. It was the most natural thing in the world to give your whole life to someone infallible and all powerful. It was like faith or religion, but to surrender totally to someone who could be wrong, who is struggling with their own issues was frightening.

Cassy showered taking extra care to shave carefully and to condition her hair thoroughly. She quickly pulled on her uniform and checked her computer.

The Professor said he had scheduled her a session immediately after lunch. He also said he would try to swing by the library this morning and see what she had done. He noted that he was impressed with her letter, that she had expressed herself very well. He added that her list of things she liked to do seemed pretty short and he wondered if she could maybe add some things she would like to try.

As Cassy went down to eat breakfast, her mind continued to spin back to her doubts. Momma was busy in the kitchen. "Good Morning, Momma. The Professor said you were going to be gone for a couple of days. When are you leaving?"

"Soon, sweet baby, I am just getting some snacks put together for you guys to raid from the refrigerator."

"I had a dream about you last night. You were telling me that food was love." 

"Oh you silly girl. Food isn't love. Giving food can be love. Cooking food and watching people eat is love for me. Sharing food can be very loving."

"That is probably why your food tastes so good."

"It is why I make sure my food tastes so good. I love making it. I love giving it to you. And I definitely love eating it myself." The rotund lady laughed as she caressed her round fat stomach and huge breasts.

"Where are you going?"

"I am going to visit my grandchildren. My granddaughter is having her tenth birthday. My daughter has a big party planned."

"You have children?"

"Yes, I had two sons and a daughter. They are all grown up now. My younger son was killed in the military. My older son lives in Paris. Thank god that my daughter is closer, only a few hours on the train."

"I am sorry to hear about your son. It must have been hard."

"Death is the hardest thing in the world. It tears your heart out. The Professor helped me learn to remember what I still have now rather than to dwell on what I have lost. Its a hard lesson. Life has no guarantees. Live each day to its fullest, you never know what you will have tomorrow."

"You are lucky to have a family. I have always felt so alone."

"It shows in your eyes sweet baby girl."

"My Master has never wanted children. I never really wanted to have a baby either."

"You don't have to have a baby to have a family sweet girl. The Professor has no babies and has a huge family of people who care about him. Families don't have to be just people who are related. Now I have to get going, you have a fun weekend."

"You too, you should bring me back some pictures."

"You asked for it. Now I will be pestering you with pictures all the time. Now you be good and maybe I will bring you back a piece of my special recipe birthday cake." Momma gave Cassy a hug and bustled out of the kitchen. 

After eating Cassy carefully put her dishes in the dishwasher and carefully wiped off the counters. She was determined that Momma would find a neat clean kitchen when she got back. As she was finishing up the Professor came in.

"Good morning Cassy, did Momma leave me coffee?"

"Yes sir, could I pour you a cup?"

"That would be nice, just black please."

Cassy brought him the coffee and stood just close enough to smell him. She inhaled softly, savoring the smell of pipe smoke and a spicy piny kind of cologne. She felt a shiver of need and leaned back against the kitchen counter, her eyes looking down at the floor. 

His voice startled her from her. "Did you sleep OK?" 

"Um... yes I slept all night, but it felt like I dreamed all night long."

His voice sounded amused. "Really, do you remember any of your dreams?"

Cassy felt her face turn scarlet. She looked quickly up at him. He looked down at her, one eyebrow cocked and a knowing smile on his face. "S... some of them. I thought the medicine was supposed to keep me from dreaming."

"I never said that. I said it would help. It seems to be doing exactly as I suggested."

Cassy looked up in surprise and felt a little flash of irritation at feeling tricked. "You tricked me."

"Tricked maybe, lied never. Its part of what I do. I trick people into learning. I fool them into getting better."

"I was wondering where I could find some simple office supplies, paper, pens, tape... stuff like that. I want to make some labels for the book shelves in the library. And is there a printer I can use, I could make better labels if I could print something." 

Cassy spoke hurriedly hoping to get the subject off the dreams. She did not want him to ask about her dreams. Somehow she wasn't sure if she could stand in this kitchen and talk calmly about her dream about him. She stepped to a more comfortable distance from him, looking in the refrigerator just for some excuse to hide her red face.

"Printer? No not down here. I could maybe get one for you by Monday. Paper, pens, and tape would be no problem. There is a cabinet in the front den with stuff like that. Dig around. You will probably find most of what you need there."

Cassy nodded, "I could hand letter the labels, don't worry about getting a printer. Thank you though."

The Professor watched her, his eyes measuring. Cassy felt like he was looking right through her, reading her more than listening to her words. "Sometime this morning I have someone coming by with a copy of your file from the treatment center you were at. They were on staff when you were there. They say they remember you. Do you want to see them?"

Cassy had to stop and adjust to this abrupt change of topic. "Yes, yes I would."

"OK, I will probably meet them in the den. Cassy come sit down I want to talk to you about a few things I know about what happened to you before you meet them."

Cassy nodded and took a deep breath. Her heart was racing. She sat down at the kitchen table and clenched her hands together in her lap. He refilled his coffee cup and came over. "Give me your hands Cassy." She obediently held them out. She could see a that they were trembling. He gently enveloped them in his, warming them, stilling their tremors. 

"Listen to my words Cassy, you are here now. The things that happened when you were little were a long time ago and far away. It is OK to be sad or angry but there is no reason to be afraid. The people who hurt you, can never hurt anyone ever again. They are not alive anymore. They died in jail many many years ago. Your father committed suicide and your mother was executed for murder."

Cassy blinked, staring deep into his eyes, "Murder?" Her voice sounded strange and far away. 

"You weren't the only child they hurt Cassy. Thats how they got caught. There was a body of a child dumped in a vacant lot. A little boy... The police finally figured out who had dumped the body and when they arrested your parents. They found you in the house. There was not much in the news article about your condition... just that you were alive and taken into protective custody. They found the remains of two more children buried in the crawl space of the house. It was a big news story at the time. I remember hearing about it when I was in school."

The room seemed to spin around her. She could not catch her breath. She stood and tried to jerk her hands out of his. "No, you have to face this Cassy. It is horrible and nothing is going to make it go away. I am not going to let you run away from this."

"They were my brothers?"

"I don't know for sure what the genders of the two bodies they found or the ages of any of them but yes, they were your siblings."

"Why?" Its was a deep wailing cry, torn from her chest.

"Why? Why is there evil? Why them and not you? Why are you here now? Cassy, there is no answer for why. There is only surviving. That is only triumph over evil. You are doing that everyday. It is the only gift you can give those children that did not make it. You have to have a life and live it for them."

Her voice was suddenly low and murderous, "I wish I could have killed them."

"Would feel good to get revenge on them?"

"I just feel so angry at them. They had no right. They took so much from me."

"You could spend a lot of time thinking about what you have lost or you could spend that same time thinking about what you have now. Its up to you to choose how you want to spend your life. Its up to you, victim or survivor."

"Fuck them. I did not die then and I am not going to let them take anything more from me."

"Anger is a good strong emotion to give you the strength and motivation to step away from being a victim. But it can be a trap. A life of anger is a bitter one. The best revenge is happiness."

"But those bastards broke my heart. I don't know what it means to be happy."

"If you choose happiness you will find it. No one in the world deserves happiness more than you."

"Does my Master know about this?"

"Yes, it is a matter of public record and I felt it was important for him to know."

"I want him to know, but I just don't know if I could talk about it yet."

"I felt it was important for you to know this before speaking to the woman who worked with you as a child. I wanted to hear it from me rather than learn it from some dusty medical records."

"Oh yes, you know I dream of being chased by something and running and running. I never see it but its horrible and I am completely terrified."

"Some day you will stop and turn around. You will find the strength to face it. It is a memory. They dissolve into nothingness if you deny them their power. Now go bury yourself into your journal. If you get done with that before I come get you, work on the library."

Cassy nodded and on impulse leaned against him, wrapping her arms around his chest, burying her face in his chest, inhaling the scent she was rapidly beginning to associate with safety and security. Her voice was muffled against his jacket. "Thank you. I feel like I owe you so much."

"I believe in fate Cassy. It was your fate to find your Master and he lead you to me. It was time for you wake up, Sleeping Beauty. Now off with you. I have a ton of phone calls to make and I am behind on some paperwork. You could help me by letting go of me."

Cassy giggled and let go. "Some day, I might demand a kiss to set you free, Prince Charming." Still giggling she darted from the kitchen before he could answer.

Cassy was still writing in her journal when he knocked on her door. "Ready Princess?"

She stood and curtsied. Somehow meeting this person had lost its sense of danger. After the news of this morning, she didn't think anything could ever get worse than that. She could face anything.

The woman in the den stood quickly as they entered. At first she did not say anything, she just walked up to Cassy and looked closely at her. Cassy looked back. There was a odd feeling of familiarity about this solidly built gray haired woman. "You don't remember me do you?"

Cassy shook her head. "I don't remember very much about my childhood. You seem familiar but I can't remember who you were." 

A soft smile spread across the womans face. "You don't know how wonderful it is to hear you talk. At first you never talked, not a single word. The doctors thought you never would. We didn't even know for sure if you didn't have a condition like autism. It took a long time but eventually you began to use words, but with only a few of the staff. You would whisper so soft to us, always afraid to talk out loud."

"How long was I there?"

"I am sorry. I forgot to introduce myself. I am Janice Handler, I was a night staff when you were there. I still work there as a therapy coordinator. Lets look at your record." She opened a thick file. "You were admitted when you were six years old as best as they can determine. They had no birth records for you. You stayed in the treatment center for six years. They discharged you to foster care at the age twelve."

"I had no memory of staying there until just recently."

"It is not unusual for victims of abuse to suppress their memories. What happened to make you remember?"

The Professor interrupted, "Cassy is a patient here at my clinic. We can't have her revealing my secrets can we?"

"Well, you do have a reputation for doing amazing work with very difficult cases Dr. Wanderbourne, despite some of the... um... allegations of... um... unconventional treatment methods."

Cassy watched as the two professionals sparred. She could tell that this Janice lady was inquisitive about the Professor and she could tell he was not going to satisfy her curiosity.

"Can I look at the records?" Cassy reached for the thick stack of papers.

"Of course dear, they are yours." Cassy ignored the woman and looked at the Professor, waiting his permission. 

He looked at her and nodded, "Go ahead, my only request is that if you have any questions you write them in your journal so we can discuss them. Treatment records can be filled with jargon and often have errors in them. Don't believe everything you read in them. Ms. Handler has already indicated that there was some question as to your diagnosis so don't read to much into what the doctors said."

Janice Handler stood and said, "If there is anything else?"

Cassy did not move, her eyes glued to the pages, "What was I like?"

"You were tiny, and so afraid of everything. The slightest quick movement or loud noise and you were off like a shot. I never saw such a fast runner. We ended up keeping you in locked wards most of the time. You didn't speak for the first two years you were with us. You slept under your bed most nights. You had a favorite teddy bear that you had to have or you wouldn't sleep at all. You were so pretty but you would never let anyone comb your hair. You never liked to be touched. Every one knew about your story, you being the only survivor of abusive parents. So many wanted to make a connection with you and no one could. You never let anyone get close to you."

"Thank you. Thank you for helping me when I was little. Thank you for coming out and talking with me."

"I wanted to come Cassy. I wanted to see that you had ended up OK. So many don't. And I had hoped Dr. Wanderbourne would have been kind enough to give me tour of his famous clinic."

The Professor laughed at her obvious dig, "I prefer to remain an enigma to my colleagues in the profession. Let me walk you out."

The gray haired woman stood, obviously irritated at being denied. "Cassy my business card is on the front of the record. If you have any more questions I would be glad to answer them."

There was a hint of steel in his voice, "And I am sure you will have plenty of questions for her."

"I can't imagine what you are speaking of. And anyway if you have nothing to hide, why all this secrecy?"

"Good by Ms. Handler."

After the woman was gone Cassy asked, "Why did she want to know about you so much?"

"I don't follow the rules Cassy. Yet I am very, very good at what I do. They hate that. It would be a huge feather in her cap if she could discredit me."

"I will never tell her anything."

"I have never had a patient that felt that they needed to tell what went on between me and them. I have no worries that you will keep my methods confidential."

"I think I will take these records to the library to read."

"You will find that they are a bit confusing, there will be a lot of conflicting statements in there. A lot of tests that measure all the wrong things. Every doctor will have a totally different opinion of what is wrong and what should be done. I have a pretty low opinion of main stream psychiatry."

"Aren't you a psychiatrist?"

"Among many other things. It lets me use the title 'Dr.' but I prefer not to be called doctor. I hate doctors personally. Professor is more accurate, it means someone who teaches and learns at the same time."

"You know when she mentioned the teddy bear I remembered it very clearly. I remember hiding under my bed and whispering to it to be quiet. I called him Steven. I wonder what happened to it."

"You outgrew it. It was there when you could not trust people but as you got better you did not need it anymore."

The records were just as the Professor had predicted. The admission evaluation was the most informative. She had been significantly underweight, suffering from malnutrition, nonverbal but able to follow simple verbal instructions. 

Physically, she had evidence of long term abuse. X-rays indicated she had multiple untreated bone fractures throughout her life. She had extensive blunt force injuries indicating she had been systematically beaten. She had a pattern of scars on her back and buttocks indicating she was burned with electricity.




Finding Home Ch. 06



Testing was inconclusive, some tests indicated she had normal or possibly superior intellectual abilities but others said she was learning disabled or suffering from autism spectrum disorders. 

The diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder was the most common and as far as Cassy was concerned a no brainer. The Professor was right about the psychiatrists. 

In the back she found a number of copies of newspaper clippings. Someone had carefully kept a collection of the coverage of her parents arrest, the sensationalized stories of the bones being discovered, the trial, the suicide of her father, and the execution of her mother. There were pictures of both her parents.

Cassy sat a long time looking at the gray flat expressionless photos of those two people. If that was evil, evil was ugly, old and defeated. She could see the shape of her face in the the bones of the woman but little else. Neither picture stirred any emotion in her.

She learned that the bones had been the remains of two infants. One was male and the other female. Both had died before they were more than a few months old. Cause of death was undetermined. The little boy who had been around three years old and had died of strangulation, but had extensive marks of abuse on his body. His name had been Steven. For the first time she that day she began to cry. Soft steady tears flowed down her face. "You should have been quiet little brother." He had cried too much. 

Her parents were named Andrea and Richmond Brasky. The press called them the Brasky Baby Killers. The trial indicated that her father had testified against her mother. That both parents blamed the other for the abuse. Both had received the death sentence. Her father had hung himself soon after, though there was some speculation that he may have had some help from other inmates. Her mother had refused to appeal and was executed by lethal injection three years after her conviction. Neither made any public statements. 

Cassy found where the state had legally changed her name to protect her from public scrutiny. She wondered what bureaucrat decided on Chambers. But Chambers was better than Brasky. 

Cassy had had enough. She carried the bundle of papers up to her room and resisted an impulse to throw them across the room. Carefully putting them down on the table she decided on impulse to put on sweats and to go run some. Her head was too full, she just wanted to run.

She let her body set the speed. She was going fast and it felt good. Her mind sorted out the information. Swinging from disbelief to sadness to anger she turned it over and over in her head. She had the random thought that she wished that she had never found out but then she knew that wasn't true. 

She knew why she had lived. It was because she could be quiet. They tried to make her scream, but she stayed silent. Her lips had stayed shut just like the little girl in the picture. She had learned to hide inside the gray nothing. They could not kill her in there. 

Windy was there in front of her. "Hi pretty thing, Acadia isn't here to protect you today."

Cassy stepped off the treadmill, wiping the sweat from her face with her sleeve. "I don't need Acadia to protect me from anything."

"Ooh, the little girl has claws?"

"Just leave me alone." Cassy tried to brush past the taller girl. 

Windy grabbed her arm. "You aren't going to walk away from me without getting a taste of what I have to offer sweet thing." She yanked hard on Cassy's arm, swinging her to face her and reached down touching Cassy on her breast.

All the rage that Cassy had been trying to contain suddenly boiled over. "Fucking bitch, get your hands off me." She threw herself at the larger girl shrieking in rage, punching scratching, going for her face. Windy tried to block her but the force of the attack over balanced her and she fell backwards over the treadmill. Cassy followed her down, hitting at her over and over again, not noticing the triumphant smile on Windy's face.

The next thing she knew was she was in the air, still swinging and kicking as the Professor picked her up bodily from being on top of Windy. "Stop. Stop it now." He shook her like a doll. "Cassy stop it." She let her body go limp but she continued to glare at Windy, flexing her hands, little growls of rage still bubbling up in her throat.

"Windy go to your room."

"Why do I have to go to my room. She started it. She is crazy."

"And I am sure you did nothing, as usual. Go to your room. I will talk to you both separately."

Windy stamped her foot but went up the stairs. The Professor set Cassy down on her feet and turned her to look at him. "Give me one good reason not to turn you over my knee and paddle your ass red." His eyes were stormy with anger.

"I deserve it. I did attack her. I am getting tired of her come ons. I told her to leave me alone. She grabbed my arm and I just saw red. Go ahead and spank me."

He shook his head. "I probably will. Come on with me." He went to the door leading to the basement treatment rooms. He led her into the narrow dim stone tunnel. Cassy began to feel very nervous. He was really going to do it. She gulped nervously, all the rage suddenly gone. He unlocked a door and turned on a light in a perfectly normal room. Soft blue walls, a narrow cot, with a blue blanket, recessed lighting and a very business like looking stainless steel toilet and sink in one corner. "I will talk with Windy and then I will be back." The door clicked shut and just then Cassy noticed there wasn't even a door knob on the inside.

She went over and sat down on the edge of the bed. She felt a delighted giggle bubble up. She didn't care how much trouble she was in. She was glad she did it. It felt great. She stood up and punched a few times at the air. The Professor was right anger was powerful. She knew it would easily become addictive. 

She went to the sink and ran some cold water and washed her face and hands. She still felt overflowing with energy, she wanted run some more. She tried to jog in place but it wasn't the same. 

Goddamn that bitch Windy, why did she have to wreck everything. When her Master found out about this he was going to be pissed. There was nothing graceful or controlled about her behavior today. Still it had been worth it. She bounced around the room shadow boxing at her arch nemesis. "Sleeping beauty takes out the evil witch bitch Windy in one round."

"And Prince Charming is not too happy about it, in seeming stark contrast to the cocky little blond in the center of the ring." He stood in the door, his voice still angry. 

Cassy tried to stand still and look contrite. "I am sorry I broke the rules. I was wrong."

"Of course you were wrong. I shouldn't have left you alone with those papers so soon after finding out about your parents. You were a time bomb and our darling Windy has a talent for pushing people's buttons."

"She keeps trying to have sex with me, trying to kiss me, touching me. I am fucking sick of her."

"You aren't as angry at her as you think. She is just an easy target. I have talked to her about her behavior. I am not sure if she is going to change much but I will expect you to handle yourself with more restraint. I will not have you getting into cat fights in my house."

"His name was Steven."

"Who?"

"The little boy, the one that died. His name was Steven. That is why I called the teddy bear Steven. Thats why I would whisper to it to be quiet. Steven wasn't quiet. Thats why they killed him."

"Cassy your mind is all over the place."

"I am sorry. Its been like this all afternoon. Its too much to comprehend. My name isn't Chambers. Its Brasky. No thats not true. It used to be Brasky. It was a dumb name anyway, Cassy Brasky. God that sounds horrible."

"Cassy stop."

"They think the guys in prison killed my father. That he didn't commit suicide. You know he told the truth, he didn't do it, it was all that woman, my mother. I know. She did it all."

She was pacing, talking faster and faster. Her arms waving, her face flushed. He approached her but she tried to avoid his hands. "You had to be quiet. If you weren't quiet she would kill you. She wanted to kill me but I wouldn't scream." He grabbed her and held her tight to his chest, rocking her. Hushing her and holding her close.

"Oh god. I am going to puke. Let me go." She rushed to the toilet and leaned over and wretched hard but she had not eaten lunch and had little to heave up. A small amount of thin sour liquid spilled out of her mouth. Finally she started to sob, deep soul shaking sobs that felt like they were going to tear her apart. He carried her to the bed and lay down with her, holding her close as she wept, wept for the little brother she had lost, wept for the childhood stolen from her, wept all the tears denied her by the need to survive.

A long time later she sighed, "Do you think Windy is right? Do you think I am going crazy?"

"Crazy? No not so much crazy, as overwhelmed. You have had a lot to deal with in a short amount of time. You will be fine eventually. The worst is over now. It may have been a good thing that Windy pushed you when she did. Getting this explosion out of the way was probably a good thing."

"What time is it?"

"Around 3:00 pm."

"How long do I have to stay down here? I am kind of hungry and I would fight a grizzly bear for a diet Coke."

"No more fighting."

"Just get me that diet Coke and peace will reign."

"You have an apology to make."

"If apologizing to Windy is half as easy as she is good at giving them, it ought to be painless."

"You are still full of piss and vinegar."

"If that is a clinical term for adrenaline, I would have to agree. So are you going to let me off this bed or make wonderful love to me. Because I am not going to lay here in your sexy arms much longer without having lustful thoughts. No kisses though. I for sure have bad breath." She giggled and tried to wiggle from his arms. "Let me go or I will breath on you."

"I am still trying to make up my mind. I don't think I could make wonderful love to you without kisses. So I guess I am forced to set you free."

Cassy felt light on her feet and practically danced around the Professor as he escorted her up the kitchen. She grabbed a diet Coke from the refrigerator. "The world is safe once more." She realized for some reason she could not stop smiling. 

She took long shower and brushed her teeth. She changed into her uniform and looked at her computer. She had so much to write in her journal, but she didn't know where to start. But right now she was hungry, hungrier than she had been in a long time. She felt like she could eat that grizzly bear.

Windy was in the kitchen when Cassy came in the door. "Oh my god Windy. I am so sorry. I was already totally steamed about something else and you walked right into it. I should never have hit you. Did I hurt you?"

Windy shrugged, "Not as much as I had hoped you would." 

Both girls began to laugh. "Did you get in much trouble?" 

"Not much really. He took five minutes off my pain reward, saying you had hurt me that much."

"True story? I didn't hit you that hard did I?"

"Thats what sucks about it."

"I am sorry. Please don't try to have sex with me. I don't want to break the rules and I am not sexually attracted to you. You scare me too much."

"I think that is why I find you so sexy. You look so sweet and scared. At least you used to look scared, you don't look so much like a scaredy cat now.

"I think taking a punch at you helped me find my fierce side. I guess I owe you for that. No sex though sorry."

Cassy got out some cold cuts and cheese and began to build herself a sandwich. "Momma left all kinds of good stuff in here. Do you want something? Theres some different salads in here if you don't want a sandwich."

"I'm starving, nothing like a good fight to work up an appetite."

When the Professor walked in both girls were sitting at the table, their heads together giggling. "I see you girls decided to bury the hatchet."

"Hey thats a violent metaphor." Cassy was still in a giddy mood. 

Windy laughed, "What did you do to this girl sir, yesterday she was a quiet little scaredy cat. Now she is more like a tiger, a tiger with a smart mouth."

"He told me something awful. It broke my heart. It totally wrecked me. Now all I can do is be silly or punch you out. I promised him I wouldn't get in any more fights. Either that or I am going crazy like you said."

The Professor had been watching their antics with an amused expression on his face. "Not crazy, just a little silly. It is a kind of defense mechanism. You have been as sad and as mad as you can tolerate for the time being. Silly is safe for now."

Windy had a concerned look on her face. "What could have been that terrible?"

The Professor looked at Cassy. "Its up to you to decide how much of your story to share and with whom. Windy might be a good person to talk with. She is just self centered enough to not be too freak out."

"Thanks for the complement." Windy tried to look wounded.

"You know its true."

"So what is so awful that only an egocentric bitch like me can handle the information."

Cassy frowned. "I never could remember my childhood but I kept disassociating. It got to be a problem, I was losing touch with reality. The Professor helped me remember that I was pretty beat up by my parents and then that I stayed in a nut house for kids for most of my life. I just found out today that my parents killed all the other kids in my family. Two brothers and a sister. I am the only one left alive."

"Son of a bitch. You want me to help you kill them?"

"Too late, they are dead. My old man offed himself in jail and they executed my mother."

"Damn. And you are in here joking around?"

"What else do you suggest. I did plenty crying and fighting already. But if things get worse maybe the Professor has a pair of boxing gloves."

"I can guarantee that I could piss you off. Its my best talent."

"Windy, why do you take pride in that? You can be a really nice person. Why go out of your way to make people angry at you?"

"Maybe its safer if you never have to get close to people. Maybe they can't hurt you if you don't care about them."

"Life sucks doesn't it."

"Totally, I am guessing we both know all about that. Maybe you should get laid. My offer is still on the table. I promise I could make you forget. At least for a little while. It wouldn't be against the rules if we get permission from Mr. Bossy Pants over there."

"Windy stop. I promise not to get too close. And if I do, I promise not to hurt you."

"You sure know how to break a girls heart."

"You are just going to have to get your jollies somewhere else girlfriend."

The Professor was watching this whole interchange with the same amused expression. He looked thoughtful and stood up and pulled out his cell phone. "It looks like you are going to get some company soon Cassy. Run up to your room. I will bring him up."

Cassy shrieked in excitement and tore out of the kitchen. She heard Windy call after her, "Take my advice. Get laid. Its great for stress."



Finding Home Ch. 07



She sat in her room, her whole body was quivering, her hair and teeth freshly brushed. Oh god, should she be wearing her uniform? But the Professor was coming up too. She wasn't sure what to do. She wasn't at home, the rules were all different. She decided to follow the clinic rules for now.

Cassy logged onto her computer, not sure exactly why, just restlessly looking for something to do. The strange nervous energy she had be dealing with all afternoon still buzzed and shook her. She opened to assignment of what she would like to do. 

On impulse and still feeling silly she wrote; I want to get laid. I want to get my brains fucked out all night long. I want to stop thinking. I want to come so hard I scream. I want to just have fun. I want to laugh more. I want... fuck it I want everything. You talk about fate, I want to talk about karma, goddamn it you are right I deserve to feel good, to feel love, to feel pleasure. I never want to feel afraid again. I never want to be quiet again. 

Cassy's hand froze on the keyboard when she heard the knock. Her voice squeaked and jumped, "Oh god, oh god." She darted to the door and yanked it open and he was there and the world stood still.

He was wearing a soft black silk suit that showed off his broad shoulders and narrow hips. His perfect white hair was tied back with a black band at the base of his neck. He wore his dark glasses, they were thick prescription and she knew they were tinted as much to hide the fact that their thickness distorted his eyes as to block out the light. 

They stood there gazing at each other, neither moving, neither speaking. The Professor's voice was soft and amused. "I can see why you two might need some help with your communication skills. Cassy, if you keep standing in the door, we can't come in." She squeaked in alarm and backed up abruptly and then once in the center of the room she knelt and looked down at the floor, retreating into the familiar.

Her Master remained standing in the door. Still gazing, apparently oblivious to the Professor's words. The Professor leaned close to him, gently laid his hand on his shoulder and whispered in his ear. Then he pushed her Master into the room and followed him in. "Go on."

Her Masters voice was rich and soft, resonating with deep base tones, "Get up Cassy, kneeling is for home, not for here. Here we are both students of the Professor. No more rules for now."

Cassy looked up in confusion, and slowly pulled herself to her feet. She started to say something, her lips opened and then closed. He smiled and nodded, "Go ahead say it. I want to hear what you have to say."

"What... what should I call you, sir?"

"How do you talk to the others who are students here at the clinic?"

"We just talk to each other by our first names, sir."

"Then call me by my name. Call me Nathan."

The Professor spoke up. "Nathan had hoped to take you out of the clinic for the evening but I have decided that you are grounded. You have been a bit too... um... overwhelmed all afternoon. I spoke to Nathan about this and he understands. We will send a tray of Thai food up when it gets here."

The Professor looked at her Master, "Nathan, I have not talked to Cassy about your visit at all. You have to take the lead here. Remember she has had a huge amount of emotional crap to deal with today. She needs soothing and reassurance not a ton of decision making." And he turned and left them alone.

"Nathan." Her voice was soft and wondering.

"What?"

"Nothing, I am just saying it. I have never said it before."

"I like hearing you say it. What do you want to do?"

"If you don't touch me soon, I think I am going to go crazy. I just need you to hold me please."

He held his arms out to her. "You don't have to ask Cassy. Just come here." She flew into his arms and snuggled up to his chest. His cologne smelled of exotic spices and myrrh, she burrowed her face into his chest and inhaled.

"You smell good. Oh god, hold me tight. I have felt like I was going to fly into a thousand pieces all day long."

"I wish that there was something I could have done that would have made it easier for you."

"You did. Oh my god, you did so much. Every test you put me through taught me how to endure, taught me to be strong, taught me that not only can I survive, I can embrace and transcend anything, not matter how impossible."

His voice was soft and full of emotion. "You are so amazing. You are so beautiful, so tiny and fragile, and yet you are so strong and brave. I love you so much."

Cassy felt a rush of panic. He had never said anything like that to her before. She shied away from the intensity. "I got in a fist fight today. Well not much of a fight, more like I attacked her."

"The Professor told me. It was one of the reasons we have to stay here."

"I am sorry about not being able to go out but I am not all that sorry it happened. I think I needed to know I could fight back if I needed to. All my life I ran away. Today I didn't run away. I didn't hide inside myself. It felt very good. Windy and I have talked it out and we are cool now. I promised the Professor I would be good now."

"Not too good I hope."

Cassy leaned back and looked up at his face. "I think the Professor said for you to take the lead here." His lips were warm as they touched her forehead and traced down her nose and stopped hovering just out of reach of her lips. Cassy stood up on her toes and gently pressed her lips to his. They stood still their lips barely touching for many seconds before he pulled her to him and leaned in, spreading her lips, opening her mouth his tongue curious and demanding. She reached up and ran her hand over his back, pulling him tighter to her, a soft audible sigh rose in her chest. 

He broke the kiss and held her close, his hands stroking her hair and her back. Her voice was soft and shaky, "I love you too."

"Can we lower the lights, little one. I would like to let my hair down." She knew that he meant he wanted to take off his glasses but at the same time her mind went back to the Professor speaking in the metaphor of how sometimes feelings could be too intense, to bright. She touched his lips and smiled.

She turned down the lighting in the room, letting the computer monitor and the bathroom light dimly light the room. "Better?" She walked over and gently reached up and removed his glasses and put them carefully on the table next to the computer. He blinked and rubbed his perfect ice blue eyes. 

"Much better, come sit with me. I feel like I need one of those tight hugs myself." He led her to the couch and sat down, pulling her into his lap. Cassy sighed and wrapped her arms around his neck. She found her lips tracing along the angle of his chin, planting dozens of soft little kisses from his ear to his chin, savoring to soft rasp of his freshly shaved skin against her cheek. He held her gently, one arm cradling her strong and safe the other gently stroking her smooth stockinged legs from knee to ankle.

Soon his hand on her leg began to explore higher but the tight uniform skirt barred his movement up to her thigh. "This wearing clothes is sort of new. The naked rule sort of made it easy for me to avoid learning how to get you to take off your clothes."

Her voice was soft and dreamy, "You will find me very cooperative. All you have to do is ask."

"Take off your skirt, just the skirt. And let your hair loose."

"I thought you'd never ask." Cassy slipped off his lap and stood close to his knees and slowly unzipped her skirt. She slowly slipped it down her hips and to her feet. His hands reached out and stroked the length of her legs, running down the outside and then and slowly tracing up the inside of her leg. He felt the dampness and heat of her sex and softly ran his finger tips across her silky smooth outer lips and moved away. A long trembling shudder shook her legs. 

"No panties. What kind of clinic is this?"

"Now that is a good question. Here I have been walking around with no bra or panties all week and nobody has noticed except you." Cassy pulled the band from her hair and shook the soft waves loose over her shoulders.

"Hmm... no bra either? You better show me."

Cassy began to slowly unbutton her blouse, his hands followed hers, touching her neck and fingers, pushing the fabric apart. His fingers warm and soft against her skin tracing down as she went lower following down between her small breasts, down her trembling stomach and once more ending up gently stroking between her legs.

His hands gripped her hips and pulled her to him. "Sit on me, straddle my legs. I want you closer." Cassy knelt straddling his thighs, her spread thighs exposing her cunt, forcing it down on his crotch, the soft fabric of his pants rubbing on the sensitive shaved lips of her labia. 

"Mmm." Cassy hummed her approval and softly ground herself against the swelling hardness under her. "This is nice." He pushed open her blouse, leaned her back and took a nipple in his mouth. "Ooh and it keeps getting better." Her voice was breathless. "Nathan please, let me take off your shirt. I want to feel your skin against mine."

His voice was deep and warm. "I would like that." Cassy slid back and stood her legs still spread on either side of his knees. Slowly she pulled of his suit jacket and then began to unbutton his dark silk shirt. His hands were busy and curious, touching her breasts, running up her back under her shirt. As she reached the last buttons on his shirt he pushed her blouse down and off her shoulders. "Take it off. Take off everything. I want you naked."

Cassy stepped back and dropped her blouse. It took a second to push down the garter belt, stockings and kick off her shoes. Nathan stood and pulled off his shirt. Cassy reached for his waistband and helped him push down his pants and boxers. His erection bobbed up tall and swollen, red against the white of the hair around the base. Cassy could not resist rubbing her cheek against the silky smoothness. A wave of excitement shook her as she inhaled his musky scent. She could feel a flood of warm dampness well up in her cunt.

Nathan pulled her up and pressed the length of his body against hers, trapping his cock between them. Cassy felt a rush of need as his skin touched hers. She need to feel him on all of her. She had an almost irrational thought of wanting to just lay on him and luxuriate in the silken warmth of his body, to wallow on him, wiggling and purring like a kitten. "Take me to the bed. Lets lie down together."

"Yes."

Cassy impatiently stripped back the blankets and threw them down on the floor and fell back onto the mattress pulling him down with her. She pressed herself to him, rubbing the length of her body against him in a slow sinuous movement. She could feel the hot tip of his cock bumping blindly against her cunt and she began to rub up against it, letting it touch and kiss against her. "Yea, I like that. I want you against me." He pulled away from her and she felt a wave of panicky need. "No, don't stop."

"Lay back, let me take the lead for a while." Cassy whimpered in frustration as he pulled away from her, her hands reluctantly falling from his back. "It will be OK little one, lets just slow it down. We have all night." His lips traced down her neck and again he took her hard pink nipple into his mouth, sucking and pulling harder this time. A sharp pang of pleasure shot from her breast to her throbbing cunt. 

Cassy let out a soft moan as he moved to her other breast, holding and squeezing her other breast firmly, his fingers digging into her flesh. She tensed as his lips moved down and he lay between her legs, his breath hot on on her sex. He had never put his mouth on her before. She had never had anyone do this before. "Spread you legs for me. Show me your cunt. Take your fingers and spread it out for me." Cassy reached down and spread her tender flesh wide and open. "Cassy I want you to help me with this. Tell me what is working right for you. Use your hands to guide me if you want. I need you to tell me how this is feeling for you."

"You don't have to."

"And if I decide I want to?"

"I'm sorry. I guess I am nervous."

"Just relax, its something I want us to be able to do together and I want to learn how. I am under the impression that done right it can be quite pleasant." He leaned down and gently ran his tongue along the length of her slit. Her hips flinched. He began to run his tongue side to side along the length of her slit and then licked firmly across her clit.

Cassy felt her whole being lurch toward the touch. "There, oh Nathan there, do it there." His touch was soft, but the rhythm was good. "Do it a little harder." Cassy felt her whole body lifting and moving as the sensations built. As she approached her finish the need to be close to him became more than she could stand. "Oh, oh god Nathan please fuck me, I want you to fuck me."

Cassy let a deep groan of fulfillment as she felt him sliding into her. "Oh yes, I need it. I need you deep inside me." The feeling inside her was amazing. She felt like she was flying and then as he began to move in slow deliberate thrusts she arched and tensed in a trembling arc. Another deep groan tore from what seemed the very center of her as she exploded under him, long spasms of her climax shaking her. As she slowly relaxed under him, he gently kissed her and raised her legs up over his arms and rose to his knees and began to move more forcefully, his need driving his pace. Thrusting hard and deep he looked down at her, a smile of satisfaction on his face as he savored the sensation of her on his cock. His brow creased in effort as he buried himself deep in her and shuddered with his finish, his cock twitching deep in her as he came.

Cassy's voice was soft and dazed, "That was wonderful."

"My pleasure little one, literally. Lie still, I will be right back." Cassy felt a pang of sadness as he gently pulled his softening cock from her and got out of the bed. He padded into the bathroom and got a dampened washcloth. Coming back he gently washed her face and then her sex. As he gently wiped off her pink flesh, he leaned down and kissed her tenderly on her clit, sucking it into his mouth and flicking his tongue across it. Cassy squealed and her hips bucked. "There?"

"Oh my god. Thats crazy intense."

"Its been part of my homework, how to be a more attentive lover. The Professor seems to think I have been focusing too much on tests and neglecting the rewards."

"It shows. Tell him I give you an 'A'." Suddenly serious Cassy touched his face. "You have always been wonderful. I don't know if I would have been able to accept this kind of attention before. I could handle tests. I don't think I would have known what to do with a reward. I was so lost."

Both of them jumped as a crisp knock on her door interrupted them. Windy's voice called clearly through the door. "Room service."

"Oh no, not her." Cassy knew that Windy would not be able to resist any kind of wise crack that occurred to her. "Windy just leave it outside the door."

"You have to eat sometime you guys. Its delicious."

"Just leave it and go away, please."

"OK, its out here if you guys ever decide to come up for air." 

Cassy pulled on a robe and peeked out the door. There was a tray with several white cartons of to go food on it and two plates and silverware. There was a big pitcher of ice water and two glasses. A black leather overnight bag sat beside the tray. She brought the tray in and put it on the coffee table by the couch. She held up the bag, "I see you were hoping to stay the night."

"A guy must be prepared."

"Did you bring a robe?"

"No, but I have pajamas." His voice was a comic mixture of pride and a little of embarrassment. He never wore anything like that at home.

"Pajamas?" Cassy squealed in laughter. She tore open his bag and pulled out a pair of rich dark brown silk pajama bottoms. "Ooh these feel nice. If you don't like them maybe I will wear them."

"They would be too big for you tiny girl."

"I have nighties to sleep in here. Want to see?"

"Would that be like a game of I will show you mine if you show me yours?"

Cassy padded into her dressing room and pulled one of the soft white night gowns over her head. "You make it sound so sexy."

He had put on the pajama bottoms and was looking through the food. "Jammies the new kink."

"Jammies? Now that sounds completely nasty." Cassy came over and began to read some of the writing on some of the boxes. One had the Professor's writing, "not too hot." She put some on a dish and took a bite. It was noodles with chicken and spices, it was good.

"Thats what my Mom always called them. Good boys wear their jammies to sleep." 

He reached over and took a bite off her plate and nodded. He put a number of things on his plate and began to eat. As they talked they shared bites. Cassy did not like many of the things because she found they were way too hot but she really liked the salad rolls that were like egg rolls only cold with fresh vegetables and a sweet peanut sauce. 

"Tell me about your mother."

"She was an amazing woman. She was a brilliant musician. She taught me everything I know about the piano. She was very strong. I think the Professor would maybe say dominating. I think she loved me very much but at the same time I feel like I was a disappointment to her."

"How?"

"I never pursued a musical career. I dropped out of college with only a semester to go. I never enjoyed the company of people like she did."

"What about your father?" 

"He was a cypher. He was there but never played a part. He ran his bookstores. He had his own set of rooms in the house and rarely spent any time with either of us. I think my parents blamed each other for my being different. They hated that I was albino. They taught me to hate it too. I am learning now that maybe it is not such a horrible thing."

"I always thought you were the most beautiful man I have ever seen."

"My whole life I have felt like a freak. I hate it when people stare at me."

"I know. But maybe they are not all thinking that you are a freak. Maybe some of them are admiring you. You look different but you look exotic, magical, like an angel or a demon."

He smiled bitterly, "A creature of the night." 

"The Professor says I can spend my whole life dwelling on the things I have lost or spend it focused on what I do have. I think it is good advice. The night can be the most wonderful of times. I love the stars and the solitude."

"Lets both try and follow it. And right now I have you and I have not gotten to practice all my homework assignments. Time for some studying. I was hoping you would consent to being my lab partner."

"Ooh it sounds so scientific. Did the Professor tell you about my first day when he hooked me up to all the machines?"

"No he didn't tell me much about what was going on with you except for what he said was public record."

"It was scary. I was trying to be so good. I had some crazy idea if I could be really good then I would get to go home sooner. He took me into the medical wing and hooked me up to some machines. I have a video if you want to watch."

"Just tell me."

"He did all kinds of things to me and then he gave me a shot and I got all stoned. He masturbated me until I came and kept looking at all the machines. It was the weirdest thing."

"Did you like it."

"I was so stoned and scared, I didn't remember it very clearly. Like it? No, it was too weird for me. He was this big tall scary stranger and he had me tied down to this table under a ton of bright lights. He even wore a white coat. But I kind of liked watching the video but its not as sexy as the time he had me tied up and whipped me."

"That is one I would like to see."

"I can turn it on. Windy had lied and said I had done something I hadn't. She really gets off on getting whipped and other pain things and if she is good the Professor gives her pain for a reward. He had her tied up so she couldn't hurt herself and then pretended to whip me while she listened. Well he really did whip me, but not hard at all. I had to pretend to be in agony. It totally made her crazy.




Finding Home Ch. 07



Nathan sat close to the monitor with his glasses on and Cassy stood close to him her hand in his hair. He watched the whole thing without commenting and then stood and clapped. "Bravo! That was funny but I wonder what was especially sexy about it, other than you being so pretty."

"I don't know, it was the way I felt safe and how mean his voice sounded and how kind his face looked."

"After you asked him to fuck you he whispered something to you. What did he say?"

"He said I could but only if I really wanted to."

"And you didn't want to?"

"I did and I didn't. I think him giving me the choice was too much and I started to disassociate."

"Have you had sex with him?"

"No."

"But you would like to?"

"I am very attracted to him. You said I should treat him with all the respect and obedience I give you. If he asked I would feel both compelled to obey and happy to oblige. If you don't want me to have sex with him, I will obey you in that. I don't care about where we are. I can't turn that on and off. Obeying you is part of loving you."

"My directions are still the same Cassy. While you are here you will give him all the same respect and obedience you give me. If that involves sex that will be up to him. I am attracted to him too." Cassy paused. She knew he was bisexual. He had told her all those years ago when they first met but it had been so long and he had never mentioned it again. Somehow she did not care, if it was the Professor.

"Right now I think I want to have sex with you." Her hand was straying down his chest, gently playing with the icy white hair that grew there. "I would hate to keep you from your home work."

"Work work work." She squealed when he lifted her up and threw her on the bed. "Get naked wench. Get ready, you are going to get all you wildest fantasies fulfilled tonight. I am going to fuck your brains out all night. I am going to make you come so hard you scream my name." 

Cassy screamed in delight, pulling her nightgown off and threw it at him. "You devious man, you read my homework."

"Get on your knees and bend over. I have never seen such a saucy slut. You have been practically begging for a sound spanking all night long."

Cassy put her head down on the bed and raised her ass up high and gave it a saucy swish. "This slut has been so bad. Please sir, she needs your firm hand and later your firm cock."

"You will have to earn the cock."

"Yes please, make me earn it." His hand swatted her firmly on one cheek and then quickly on the other. "Sir, this saucy slut thinks you do not understand the gravity of her errors. She has much to atone for." The next two were much sharper and Cassy gasped and squeaked. "This girl thanks her Master and begs for more." She could feel the sting growing in her ass and at the same time a wonderful throbbing heat in her cunt.

He was slowly rubbing his hand over her ass. "Spread your legs and put your hands between your legs, spread out your pussy lips." It was awkward but she did as he directed. 

He spanked her hard twice more. This time she yelped, "Ow, oh man. That was hard. This slut is starting to learn but she needs more to help her remember." 

"Rub your cunt, slut. I can see you are getting hot. Show me how juicy you are getting." Cassy dipped her fingers into herself and held up her shiny wet fingers. "Nice, lick them off. See how tasty you are." As she licked and sucked at her fingers he spanked her twice more and then two more quickly after. Cassy squealed and cried out. "Mercy sir, you are too cruel. This slut promises to behave herself as a lady and to submit to your endless lustful demands upon her person."

"This slut will submit to five more spanks and thank me prettily for them. Then and only then will she have earned the cock she so craves."

"Please sir, make haste and deliver this slut from her torment." The last five spanks were much more gentle, more caresses than swats. Cassy giggled and begged for mercy with each blow and dutifully thanked him for his discipline. He knelt behind her and continued to run his hands over her stinging cheeks. He got up and picked up her night gown. 

"Turn over and present your wrists." Cassy held out her hands. He loosely wrapped the white fabric around her wrists. "You will be bound thusly so I may more freely plunder your womanly treasures." 

The nightgown was so loose it was in danger of falling off. Cassy gripped it to hold it in place and feigned to struggle against it. "Alas I am trapped. I am a totally vulnerable to your unseemly demands."

Nathan grinned an evil grin and pushed her hands above her head. "Keep them there my pretty, or suffer more of my cruelty. For I plan to feast upon your beauty." He leaned down and seized her earlobe in his teeth and gave a tug, his breath hot on her neck. 

"Oh sir, have at me for I succumb to your base desires."

His lips seized her mouth, no gentle kisses this time. He forced his mouth over hers and demanded her response, his lips hard and ravenous. She gave back with the same desperate intensity. A weak moan bubbling up as she felt the bed start to spin. "Your mouth is sweet my little slut. It will serve me well." He straddled her chest and lifted her face to his hard cock. Cassy eagerly opened her mouth and strained her face toward him. He leaned over her and began to slowly fuck down into her face, giving her plenty of chance to lick and suck before he would take her throat and move back. "Good girl. Suck my cock."

Cassy moaned around the flesh filling her mouth. She loved to serve him in this way. She was reluctant to release him when he pulled away. Her tongue reaching to give one last caress as he pulled away and rubbed his wet shaft across her face. 

"Not so easily finished my pretty slut, we have a night of ecstasy before us." His lips were on hers again. It felt like he was pulling her soul out through her mouth. Her lips felt swollen and tender, her whole world was her mouth.

His hands found her breasts and began to grip them. His hands as rough and demanding as his lips on her mouth. He left her gasping and swooped down and took a nipple in his teeth and slowly agonizingly tugged on it. Cassy squealed in delight as the sensation lit up her cunt. His lips began to suckle fiercely, tugging and then letting the hard nub pop from his lips repeatedly. He moved to the other and gave it the same attentions. Cassy was gasping in long whimpers of excitement. 

His hand found her legs spread wide, and he quickly slid two fingers deep into her, pressing up finding her g-spot and rubbing firmly at the inside of her. 

Cassy let out a yell. "What is that? What are you doing?" 

"Making you mine my pretty slut. You like that?"

Cassy was thrashing like a fish on a hook. She couldn't say anything, long whimpers and groans were the only sounds she could make. He grinned evilly and leaned down and took her clit in his teeth and began to tug gently. Cassy screamed and exploded under him. "Oh fuck Nathan, Nathan!" Her hips were thrashing under him. He sucked her clit into his mouth, flicking it with his tongue as she convulsed. He held her there until she couldn't move any more. 

Cassy had let go of the night gown wrapped around her wrists and had reached down and tangled her hands in his hair. Nathan lifted his head, his mouth and chin glistening from her moisture. He grinned and wiped off his chin. Cassy lay there with soft quivers still shaking her as he gently moved his fingers inside her. 

Cassy whimpered as he pulled his hand from her. "My pretty slut has freed herself from her bonds." He untangled her limp fingers from his hair and meshed his fingers with hers and stretched her hands up above her head, slowly stretching out full length on top of her. His lips were softer and rich with her smell as he kissed her again. Cassy could taste herself strong and sweet in his mouth. 

She could feel his cock hard and hot pushing at her opening, the velvet tip slipping in and then leaving her, teasing with a promise of that wonderful sensation of being filled. She felt herself warming and arching, her need wakening again. She could not believe that she could want more so soon. She tipped her hips and tried to push down against him but he moved out of her reach. "Nathan please"

"Please what pretty little slut?" 

"I want you inside me. I need you. I feel like I am empty. Fill me up, please."

He slid into her agonizingly slow. "Like that?"

"Oh god yes."

He began to move slowly, thrusting slow and deliberate, giving hard lunge and grind at the bottom of each push. Cassy groaned a soft deep groan with each of his thrusts. Her hips lifting and surging to meet him, matching his rhythm. He gripped her hands tightly and looked deep into her eyes. Cassy began to tremble and tense, her movements getting more urgent. She could feel her muscles of her cunt clench down tight on him. His voice was deep and hoarse, "Yes Cassy, thats nice, your cunt feels so good."

Suddenly she arched tight against him. Her hands strained against his. She froze, rigid and trembling as the waves of her climax picked her up and lifted her high before dropping her. "Yes,Cassy come for me." She let out a soft grating whimper and then began to shake with long convulsive shudders as she began to come. He thrust hard and fast, letting go of her hands and gripping her hips, trying to bury himself deeper into her. Cassy began to cry out in sharp short grunts as he slammed into her, her climax seeming endless. Nathan held her close and trembled as he pumped his come into her. A deep growl of satisfaction boiling up in his chest.

Cassy's voice was fuzzy and soft. "You will have to let me read your homework sometime." She held him still trapped close to her, her arms wrapped around his neck, her legs crossed around his hips. She sighed and trembled as a soft tremor echoed through her when her cunt contracted around his waning erection.

"I would prefer to show you."

"I would like that too." Suddenly a wave of almost irrational happiness swept through her. "I love you so much. I love being here like this with you."

"Like this?" He gave a little pelvic thrust bumping gently against her. Cassy gave a little moan as a wave of soft pleasure echoed through her again.

Cassy giggled. "Yes I want you like this forever, trapped in my arms, parked in my garage." Her voice dropped and took a softer more serious tone. "I love being able to talk to you. I don't think I could give this up. Being quiet was too much a part of my childhood. I don't want to be silenced any more."

"There will be times when I will need my silence."

"As long as its not always. As long as I know there will be times like this, I could bear it. As long as I know there will be times like this I could bear anything."

"That good?"

"I had no idea. Before I loved sex because it was a time when I could be close to you, give you a gift of myself. I could take a vicarious pleasure in watching your satisfaction. But did it feel good? Not really. Before this good meant it didn't hurt so much."

"Now?"

"It all is so good. Everything you do feels better than the last. The orgasms have each been exponentially better than the last. I think the next one may kill me and I am looking forward to it. But the best part by far is how I feel right now. I feel like if you weren't holding me down I might just float away like a happy helium balloon."

"I am beginning to understand where the term 'cocky' may have originated. There is something very ego boosting about making a beautiful girl scream your name."

"I would hate to make your head swell. No wait. I think I like making your head swell." She clenched her muscles sheathing his soft cock.

"No luck there pretty little slut girl. I think I need some rest before any encore performances."

Cassy felt a soft warm wave of sleepiness and yawned. "To say this day has been 'a big day' would be an understatement. I can hardly remember this morning. There have been so many lows and highs I feel like a space shuttle on crack."

"Are you getting sleepy?"

"Mmm hmm" 

Nathan gently pulled away from her and lay back onto his back. Cassy made a soft sad sound as his cock slipped out of her. "This way I don't have to worry about squashing you in the night." He pulled her lean on his chest. Cassy snuggled close, her eyes already closed.

She was in the hall again, running. Tiny feet pattering, the terror behind her. The hall stretched on and on. She wanted to scream but she knew if she made a sound she would die. She knew she had to stop running. She looked down and realized she was on a treadmill, she could see her feet, in the white running shoes she wore every day pounding on the treadmill. She turned around wondering why the terror had not gotten her and nothing was there, just swirling gray shadows that seemed to dissolve and blow away as she gazed at them. "You can't hurt me. You are dead." 

"Cassy wake up. Its OK. Its just a dream. Wake up." Nathan's voice was gentle and she could feel his hand stroking her back. She was sitting up straight.

"Yes, just a dream. And its over now." She turned to him and wrapped her arms tightly around him. "Thanks for being here."

"Shh, go to sleep little one."

"They can't scare me any more."

"You are safe now."

"I love you."

"I love you too little one."

"You don't call me child anymore."

"It just doesn't seem to fit anymore. I am torn between little one and pretty slut."

"I like both. But I like Cassy best of all."

"Go back to sleep Cassy."

Cassy snuggled down into his arms and let herself float half asleep savoring the warmth and safety that she found there, reluctant to fall asleep and waste a minute of this feeling. 

Cassy woke to the sensation of his fingers on her face. Stretching like a cat she opened her eyes and smiled up at his face close to hers. "I feel good."

"Your breath smells like you ate Thai food."

She grinned an impish grin. "I hate to say what yours smells like."

"To the baths with you tasty slut. Now that I have made you mine I require you draw a bath."

"You will have to settle for a small shower stall you... you... what the heck are you a pirate or a slave master?"

"Sorry I keep getting my fantasies mixed up."

"Either one does it for me."

"Come on lets clean up."

Cassy felt a wave of sadness and balked at getting out of bed. "I don't want you to go away. I want to go home with you."

"That will be up to the Professor. You have made a lot of progress but its all very new little one. Lets not rush too fast. I have a lot more to learn too before I think we are ready to fly as a pair."

"I just don't want to be alone again."

"Neither do I, but you can write me and maybe we can talk on the phone. If you don't get in anymore fist fights this week you maybe can come home for next weekend."

"Make love to me one more time before you go and I promise no fist fights."

"You smell to bad to ravish." He swatted her ass firmly and then tickled her.

Cassy shrieked and rushed into the bathroom. She started the shower and then sat down and peed. He leaned against the bathroom door frame and raised an eyebrow. She felt a wave of embarrassment. "Don't look." She felt her face getting red, somehow she had never gotten used to this one intimacy. 

"Too late pretty slut." 

"If you want this slut to wash you, you pirate slaver, than you must squeeze in here with me." It was a tight fit and they ended up giggling and wrestling around each other to get under the water as they soaped and shampooed each other. She had him kneel so she could wash and condition his long hair. She took her time to thoroughly massage his scalp, neck and shoulders as the hot water cascaded over her back. She loved his hair. Perfectly white and straight it fell in a smooth cascade below his shoulders. 

He stood and helped her with hers. "You have already gained some weight."

"I am starving. But I am hungrier for you. I can get something to eat anytime today. The cook is gone on vacation and I can eat anytime until she comes back."

They toweled each other dry and brushed their teeth. Cassy sidled up and rubbed up against him like a cat at a scratching post. "Do I smell good enough to ravish now?"

"You smell delicious." His lips were gentle and compelling as they took her mouth. There was a quiet gentleness to his love making, his kisses deep, soft and endless. Turning her so her head fell over the edge of the bed, he stood and looking down at her he caressed her face, his thumb tracing her lips. "I love your mouth."

Cassy opened her lips and softly licked his thumb, making love to it like it was his cock. She reached and ran her hands along the length of his cock, gently urging him closer, wanting him in her mouth. "I love you in my mouth." Her voice trembled with need. As he slowly pushed into her mouth he let out a soft deep growl of pleasure. The angle was hard for her to use her tongue much but she used her lips and gently ran her teeth along the the underside of him as he gently fucked her mouth. Her hands on his hips helped her measure and meet him.

"Spread your legs." Cassy bent her knees and opened herself to him. She could feel his fingers exploring her tender flesh, she began to moan around the shaft of his cock. Her hips began to lunge and jerk as he pushed his fingers deep into her, finding her g-spot. Soon her mouth was frantic, sharp cries of excitement bubbling around him as she forced him deeper in her throat, pulling eagerly at his hips. Nathan tore himself from her mouth gasping, he was so close to finish that Cassy could see his cock twitching. She tried to reach for him, pulling impatiently at his hips.

"No, I want to come inside you." His voice was hoarse and deep, a low growl in her ears. His hands were strong on her, lifting and turning her so her hips were on the edge of the bed. He held her legs wide and high. Still standing he entered her in one long smooth thrust.

"Oh god Nathan yes. Fuck me. That feels so good." Her eyes were locked on his as he stood above her, a half smile, half snarl of raw sexual need twisting his lips. His hair his hair falling around his shoulders, his stomach muscles tensing and rippling as he thrust into her. 

"Hold you legs." Cassy gripped her knees and spread herself even wider for him. He pulled from her and began to push the length of his shaft along the cleft of her cunt, sliding directly across her clit. The sensation was almost sizzling hot, pushing her over the edge. 

Cassy shrieked and exploded, her deep low groans vibrated with her convulsions. Her hands slipped from her knees and her legs automatically clamped around his hips, her whole body spasming with ecstasy. Nathan slammed deep into her and began to plunge deep and hard, his hands holding her shoulders. He growled deep and low as he spent his essence deep into her, long shudders shaking he filled her with his seed.

It took a long time for the spasms and trembles to fade. Nathan gently continued to move inside her until his hardness faded too much to stay inside. "Promise to be good now?" His voice was husky and soft.

"Oh god yes."



Finding Home Ch. 08



Neither spoke as they dressed. Each reluctant to speak of their feelings of sadness at having to be apart. Cassy walked with him to the front door and as he turned, she fiercely wrapped her arms around his waist. "I am glad you came. It was nice." Her words light in contrast with the strength of her grip around his body.

"Little one, it is hard to be apart but we are both better for it. Next time will be better still. Be brave. Make me proud." He pulled her arms from his waist and kissed her on the forehead. He turned and left her on the porch. Cassy watched him go out the front gate and get in the waiting cab. 

Blinking back tears she turned to go back in and saw Windy watching her from in the entry way. "Woo hoo, now thats some hot stuff. He is freaky looking. Is he as hot in bed as he looks?" 

"He is beautiful. And yes, he is hot in bed."

"Oh, I don't think he is ugly. I would do him. I have to admit a small amount of jealousy. The Professor has never let me have a sleep over."

"Lucky me. You were the one with all the big ideas about getting laid. I have to admit that is was good advice. And now I am starving." Cassy grinned. "I can't imagine why."

"Darn you. You don't have to rub it in."

"Come on lets get something to eat."

Cassy spent all day in her room. It took that long to get caught up on her journal. When she went downstairs there were several pizza boxes on the table in the kitchen. Windy came in with an empty plate. "We are all downstairs watching a movie. We are eating down there. Come on down and join us."

Cassy loaded a plate up with pizza and grabbed a diet Coke and went on down. They were all watching a fantasy movie. Cassy noticed a big table standing behind the comfortable couches with some chairs around it. "Oh good, a table. I was hoping we could have one down here."

William held up a hand and gave a thumbs up. Cassy sat and ate her pizza and watched the movie. She had read the book a long time ago and was pretty impressed how good a job they did getting the feel for the world right. She felt like the screen writers had tried to cram to much of the book into the movie and it ended up being disjointed and confusing. Is was too bad, the book had been excellent. 

She carried her plate up and put it in the dishwasher. The kitchen was immaculate. Taking a quick detour into the library she grabbed a jig-saw puzzle and headed back down. William came to help with turning all the pieces right side up and sorting the edge pieces. She watched the show and worked on the puzzle until curfew.

At the computer she sat down. Somehow coming to her room had been harder than she thought. She had worked hard to keep busy all day but now alone with the night stretching ahead of her she felt a deep feeling of home sickness. She wondered why she had not seen the Professor all day, she would have begged for her cell phone. All she had left was to write.

Dear Lover, Master, Nathan,

Here I sit all alone in my room. Somehow I feel more alone now than all the other nights before. I don't know if this is because of what I have learned about my past or a sudden crazy addiction for you. 

Being with you last night was the most wonderful thing that happened to me in my life. The sex was amazing beyond description but that is not what made it wonderful. It was the care and love I sensed from you with each of your touches. I have never felt so close, so connected, so completely open and trusting. I miss being with you so much.

I loved being able to talk, to talk about silly funny unimportant things. Being able to let my hair down and make all the delicious sexy sounds as you played me like you play a piano was so freeing. I love being able to tell you how much I love you. The intensity of my feelings is almost frightening but at the same time so right.

How we were together last night was fun. I loved playing with you. I have needed to laugh like that all my life. I know I have a lot more grief to get through and there will be a lot more tears to cry before I can find a balance in my heart. The laughter seems to help me keep a perspective. Your being there for last night helped me get through what could have been one of the saddest nights of my life.

I feel like everything about me is changing. I like who I am becoming but I wonder how I will fit into the quiet still controlled world we shared before you sent me to the Professor. 

I wonder how our life together is going to be different. I want to be able to have fun, to be silly, to laugh as much as I want to continue all the lessons of strength of control and grace you have to teach me.

And to make things even more crazy making I am horny as hell. That is addiction. One night and you have me completely hooked.

I love you. Cassy

Cassy opened the assignment of things she might like to do. She laughed as she looked over the last paragraph she had written. Nathan had added "Wishes granted little one." 

Cassy added, "and how!" after that.

OK enough silliness. I always wanted to write reviews for books. I think I would like to learn about photography, calligraphy, and maybe water color painting. I think I would like to travel, but I don't know where. It just seems like I have never gone anywhere. I would like to have some friends or at least one best friend I can talk to about all this stuff. I just want to go home.

Cassy changed into a night gown and stood ambivalently looking at her bed. A frustrated grimace twisted her lips, she knew she wouldn't be able to go to sleep and there was nothing to do. She checked the time, almost eleven. Damn she wished she had grabbed that novel that had caught her eye in the library. She hadn't seen the Professor all day and she half debated making a fast dash to the library, fuck the rules.

A soft knock on her door surprised her. A crazy thought that Nathan had sneaked in crossed her mind but she could not imagine him doing anything that risky. She opened the door. The Professor stood there, with the same little white pill in his hand. Cassy stood looking at it warily, "More dreams?"

"We get some of our best work done at night Cassy." 

"We?"

"Of course, I am on this road with you."

"Well if it will help me fall asleep."

"Trouble sleeping?"

"I haven't even tried. I just don't feel sleepy at all. I was half debating sneaking down to the library for a book."

"Not a good idea, young lady. I have motion detectors set up in this old place. I would have so busted you."

Cassy made a rebellious face. "Can I have my cell phone? Or a TV that works? Or the internet? Anything? I have to do something. I can't fucking think all the time."

"So are you going to take the pill or not." Obediently she held her hand out. 

After she swallowed it she asked, "What kind of pill makes you dream anyway?"

"The pill doesn't make you dream. The pill makes you sleep. After you fall asleep I talk to you. I suggest to you things. One of the things I have been suggesting is you remember your dreams. You have always been dreaming, now you remember them better."

"What? What do you mean suggest?"

"Cassy you signed all the papers when you got here. Almost everything I do is hypnotherapy."

"What else you been saying to me in my sleep?"

"I have been encouraging you to feel safe, that no one can hurt you now. How you don't need to hide anymore. I have been talking to you about how you like sex, want to have sex. I have been telling you how much your Master loves you. That you trust me and are motivated to follow my directions. All wrapped up in a nice wrapper of what a beautiful, capable, wonderful girl you are."

Cassy gulped, "Thats a lot. I am sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"I was kind of rude. Nathan, no, my Master told me I had to treat you with all the respect and obedience I would give him. He would have been pissed by me questioning him like that."

"I am not him."

Cassy felt a wave of dizziness and she swayed on her feet. "Jesus that stuff works fast."

"Crawl in bed."

"Will you crawl in with me? Just hold me like you did the first time."

"You are going to make me crazy."

Cassy crawled into the bed and moved to the middle. Once more he lay on top of the covers and Cassy snuggled close to his chest. 

"Crazy?"

"I am a human being girl. I have all the same feelings of any normal man. I am not immune to your charms."

"If you want me, all you have to do is take me." Her voice was soft and foggy with the drug.

"If we are meant to be together, it will be at time when you are not drugged. And I prefer my partners to come to me of their own free will, not as a gesture of obedience to the wishes of a Master."

Cassy would have answered but the waves of sleepiness were too strong to fight.

She was in the hall again but it was empty. The terror was gone. She walked along exploring an empty house, moving from one room to the next. All the dimensions seemed distorted, there was junk all over the floor, garbage, broken toys, broken furniture. She kept having to step very carefully to keep from kicking anything, to keep from making any noise. She was looking for something or maybe for a way out. It seemed like the house went on endlessly. 

Eventually the rooms began to change, the amount of stuff on the floors began to disappear and the walls began to change to the darker wood and rich furnishings of her Masters house. Not the same floor plan but similar type architecture. There was an overwhelming stillness in all the rooms. Cassy knew she was the only one here. She didn't want to be alone. Still she wandered from one room to the next, wondering where her Master had gone, if there was a way out. 

Throughout the dream a small corner of her mind was very conscious that she was dreaming, that she would remember when she woke up. She had a fleeting thought that this was a boring dream.

Cassy woke early, before her alarm clock went off. She had at least thirty minutes before she even go downstairs to run on the treadmill. After pulling on her sweats she turned on her computer.

Because it was Sunday there would be no appointments today.

The Professor had left a few comments on her journal. Mostly praising her for taking the time to write about all the experiences she had had in the last two days. He praised her detail and excitement about her newfound enjoyment of her body. I said you deserved it. Keep up the good work. Cassy wondered how the hell she was supposed to do that all by herself. 

He had mentioned that he had forwarded her letter to her Master and when he got a reply he would forward it to her. 

He wrote that her television was activated and she could access the internet but he cautioned her that if at anytime he felt that she was neglecting her therapy he would turn them off. He said he would talk to her about her phone when he stopped by tonight to give her her medication. 

"Medication my ass, he just wants to fill my head up again." Cassy knew she did not mind it. Everything he had told her he was saying were things she wanted to have. She also knew that she looked forward to her times with him in the evening. She wondered if there was any way to keep from falling asleep so fast.

Inside her preferred activities assignment he had made a few comments. 

If you have more dimension to your life. More things that occupy your mind and creativity, you would not fear the times of silence and submission in your Master's house. 

I would encourage you to talk with your Master about what you could do to broaden your world without neglecting him. You should have both hobbies and a profession. A happy fulfilled servant is an asset to her master.

As to wanting a friend, I would ask why not Windy. She needs a friend even more than you. It would not be easy. She would test your patience endlessly but once you earn her trust you would find her fiercely loyal and vastly entertaining. I believe you have exactly the qualities of patience and stubborness she needs in a friend. Sweet Cassy you will be home soon. Do not despair.

He reminded her that Momma would be back today and that formal dinner would be served at the regular time.

Cassy took a few minutes to write about the dream she had had last night. She wrote how the first empty house seemed like the house she had hazy memories of from her years of torture at the hands of her mother and then how she found her way to her Masters house but she still felt lost there too.

Cassy turned off her computer and went down and got in a long run on the treadmill. After running she worked for an hour with the free weights, her mind floating back to the times she and her master worked out with weights in their basement room. His beautiful ivory skin stretched across his sculpted muscles. He would use those weights to test her, test her strength and endurance. Test her willingness to strive to reach new heights of triumph, with silence and grace. 

The image of her standing nude in the dimly lit basement, holding the weights still, perfectly still, balanced in the palms of her hands, her arms straight before her, her muscles screaming in pain, screaming for release. He would stand so close she could feel the warmth of his breath, watching, watching. His hand softly resting on her shoulder waiting for the first tremors of failure. He would murmur soft words of encouragement and pride. A long shudder of homesickness shook her. She went up and showered and changed into her uniform. 

The kitchen was empty. Cassy made a pot of coffee hoping it wasn't too awful. She had asked Momma how to make it and did her best to follow the directions. She wanted the Professor to find his coffee ready when he came to the kitchen. Cassy got herself a bowl of cereal with fruit and toast. She looked at the food she sighed and poured herself a tall glass of milk. She wondered how much weight she had gained. The only place she had seen a scale was in the back clinic. 

Cassy spent most of the morning making labels for the shelves in the library. She grabbed a few paperbacks and carried them up to her room. 

On impulse she logged on the internet and wondered what she wanted to do. She logged onto the website of the store where she had worked when she had met her Master, his store. One of a dozen stores he had inherited from his father. He tended to let the managers do most of the hands on running, preferring to monitor the daily workings from his office at home. The website was really well done, with events calendars and notices of new releases. There was an on line reading club where the members all read the same book and a forum for their comments. She was impressed. She kind of missed the world of working with books, the book signings, the new releases, the company of people who loved books like she did. She idly wondered if anyone at the stores did reviews or if they relied on the publisher's hype. She wondered if there was someway to set up a customer review system for all the books the store carried. She wondered who ran the website.

Cassy wandered downstairs, reminding herself she had to eat lunch, wondering if she could find peanut butter. She had not had a peanut butter sandwich in forever. She promised herself a diet Coke if she would drink a glass of milk first. She shuddered in disgust. The sound of laughter and voices filled the kitchen as she walked in.

Momma and the Professor were talking to the most amazing looking man. He was huge and almost midnight black. His voice boomed loud and deep as he laughed, a relaxed happy sound. Long dreadlocks fell down his back. He was wearing a black leather jacket, chaps and heavy black motor cycle boots. 

The Professor looked up and smiled. "Cassy come in, we have a special visitor. Jesus, I would like to introduce you to my newest protégé, Cassy Chambers. Cassy, this is Jesus Jones." 

"Nice to meet you." Cassy found herself slipping back into her shy quiet voice. This big man was kind of scary looking. If the Professor had not been there, she would have probably run back to her room.

"Mmm..." The huge mans voice deep voice rumbled through the kitchen. "Cam you keep getting such delectable little tidbits in here. How is a man supposed to behave himself?"

The Professor's voice was amused. "And yet I still demand it. Hands off the clients, Jesus."

Jesus seemed to ignore the Professor's words and began to sidle up to Cassy, his eyes measuring and predatory. "Oh you sweet little thing, you must run away with me. Leave these horrible rules behind. I must make you mine." 

Cassy squeaked in alarm and bolted to hide behind the Professor. He put his arm around her. "Don't let this big faker scare you Cassy. He is a teddy bear." He frowned at Jesus. "Lighten up, she has no idea you are full of bullshit. Anyway this one belongs to Nathan."

Jesus flinched and for the briefest second Cassy could have sworn he looked grief stricken. Just as quickly it was gone and he snorted. "Landauer? Nathan Landauer? That cold hearted hermit? How did he capture such a tasty treat?"

The Professor laughed. "Everyone's luck has to change sometime Jesus. It was time for Nathan to have a little good fortune. I think this might mean that our good friend might just rejoin the human race."

Again the big man snorted. "You speak like he ever had a membership."

A flush of anger turned Cassy's face red. "Stop talking like that. You just shut up." Her voice was low and threatening. 

The Professor's arm tightened around her. "Calm down Cassy. We are all friends. Jesus, Nathan and I have known each other for years. You are listening to the rude talk of old friends." Again he turned to the big black man. "Like I said, lighten up." This time his voice held a warning edge.

"My apologies little one. I should have been more respectful. I never would have guessed you had such a temper." Cassy nodded, her eyes still hot and angry. 

The Professor shook his head ruefully. "I have some things I need to get done before dinner. I leave you with Momma to keep an eye on you." 

Momma stepped up and scolded, "Jesus, you be nice."

The big man stood and looked embarrassed. "I was just joking Momma."

"No more of that. You know better. How long you going to be here this time?"

"I am overhauling my bike, so at least a week. Maybe longer if you promise to cook for me." 

"I just got back from my daughter's, you are going to have to find something in the refrigerator for your lunch but I have something nice planned for dinner. Have you eaten lunch yet Cassy?"

"No Momma, that is why I came down."

"Get yourself something to eat then. You don't need another of my lectures."

Cassy nodded and giggled. "Momma is there peanut butter? I am starving for peanut butter and jelly." 

The rotund cook laughed and pointed at a cupboard. "Look in there sweet baby." 

Cassy was happily making a second sandwich and pouring herself a glass of milk when Jesus sat down. "Don't hog the peanut butter little one. You make it look too good."

Cassy eyed him warily. "Would you like me to make you a sandwich?"

"Make me two pretty Cassy girl."

As she made the sandwiches she asked, "You know my Master?"

"Don't tell me he makes you call him that. He was always was one for rules. Yea, we all met when we were in college. Nathan and I were in the music department, and Cam was working on his one of his projects. We all had similar interests in the lifestyle. Though Nathan was the only one of us that was completely converted. He has made a fucking religion out of it."

The huge man leaned back and spoke between big bites of sandwich. "We have always kept in touch after that, though we don't have a chance to get together much with me on the road, Cam busy with this place, and Nathan deciding to turn his back on the world."

"What do you do that makes you travel so much?"




Finding Home Ch. 08



"Oh I don't do anything now. I wrote some computer software that nearly all music production companies use. I live off royalties. I just travel because I like to see the world go by. Itchy feet I guess."

"You just ride your motorcycle by yourself?"

"Mostly. Sometimes a pretty girl will come along for a while but never for very long. I would give you a ride anytime you want." His eyes danced with double meaning. 

Cassy shot him an exasperated look. "I will tell Momma." She whispered furiously.

"Oh good lord, promise me you won't do that. Anything but that."

After he was done with his sandwiches he stood. "Thank you Cassy. You make an excellent PB&J. I think I hear the road calling. I will see you at dinner." He bowed low and swept from the kitchen. 

Cassy put away the peanut butter and put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. "Did you have a good trip Momma?"

"Wonderful sweet girl. Grandchildren are heaven's reward come to earth. They are growing up so fast."

"How many grandchildren do you have?"

"My daughter had three girls, ten, eight, and the baby two. My son in Paris has a boy thirteen years old. I don't get to see him much but we write and call."

Cassy sighed. "Did the Professor tell you about my parents, who they were?"

"No baby girl. He said that you had remembered being abused but nothing about your family. Did he tell you something?"

"Yes, this weekend, after you left. A lady from the treatment center I lived at came and brought a copy of my medical records. It was really terrible."

"You don't have to tell if you don't want to."

"I would like to tell you, if you would let me. Its pretty sad and horrible."

"Come help me make dinner and I will try to be brave."

As they made dinner together, Cassy shared her story. Momma did not speak, just stood close and worked on the food for their meal. When Cassy had no more words to say, Momma turned and wrapped her arms around her, tears were running down her face. "Sweet baby girl, I don't know how you bear it. Sometimes I get so mad at the evil stupidity of people. I will light a candle for the little ones at church next Sunday."

"You go to church?"

"It helps me. I know I believe in god. Somehow knowing he is there helps me endure all the sadness of this world. He is my master now. The Professor isn't a believer but he says any framework to hang hope on is a good thing."

Soon dinner was almost done. Game hens stuffed with wild rice and mushroom stuffing, gingered carrots, and individual cheesecakes. 

Cassy gave Momma another hug. "Thank you for letting me tell you Momma. I just wanted you to know so you wouldn't think I was going crazy if I start acting sad or mad. I have been doing that a little bit lately."

"I was impressed by you going after Jesus."

"Yea, like that."

"Go up and get all pretty for dinner. Sundays we have extra guests. I know Jesus is going to be here and I am not sure who the other guest is. Don't be late."

Cassy was standing at her chair by 7:55 and whispering to Windy. "Where have you been? I haven't seen you all day."

"I was at the college library studying for finals."

"Is there usually company at Sunday dinner?"

"Not usually but sometimes. The Professor has some weird friends. Its usually pretty entertaining."

"Wait until you see the Jesus guy. He is scary looking." Acadia looked at them and shot a meaningful look at the clock and made a soft hushing sound. William grinned and waved. Mary was not there. 

Precisely at 8:00 the Professor walked in. He said, "Our guests are running a little late. They should be here any minute." 

About that time Cassy heard Jesus's voice loud and booming. "We would not have been late if you hadn't put up such a fuss about riding on the motorcycle. Crap, dude hurry your ass up. You are pretty enough, forget the fucking hair."

The Professor grinned and laughed. "It sounds like they are here now." 

The door crashed open and Jesus came in. He had a motorcycle helmet under one arm and was pushing her Master through the door with the other. Cassy gulped and froze, her heart in her throat.

"Its about time. Nathan, I am so glad you decided to come."

"Like I could have said no to this gorilla you sent to fetch me."

The Professor laughed, "Come sit you guys, these kids have been standing waiting for you long enough, and Momma is waiting to put the food on the table."

As they sat, Jesus rubbed his hands together greedily, "Nathan you are in for a treat. This lady can cook like an angel."

The Professor stood and cleared his throat. "I would like to introduce two of my closest friends. This is Jesus Jones and Nathan Landauer. This is a truly special occasion. I can't remember when we were last all together. I would like to propose a toast." Everyone stood and the Professor raised his water glass. "To friends." Everyone repeated "To friends." and touched glasses.

Her Master sat across the table from her and Cassy could not take her eyes off him. He caught her eyes on him and smiled gently, quietly signaling to her that he was happy to see her too. 

Momma brought in the food and to Cassy's delight pulled off her apron and sat down at the table with them, taking the seat at the opposite end of the table from the Professor. 

It was fascinating to watch how each person dealt with the challenge of eating the individually cooked game hens. The Professor and her Master carefully used their knives to carve the meat off the little carcasses but Jesus used his bare hands to tear the little bird apart and ate it with his fingers. Cassy did her best to follow her Master's example. She noticed that Windy used Jesus's technique. Cassy became increasingly aware that Windy seemed unusually quiet and at the same time was staring at the huge black man with fascination.

The Professor pushed back his plate with a sigh. "Wonderful dinner once again Momma. We missed you desperately the last two days."

"Thank you for the compliment but once more I have to share the credit with Cassy."

Cassy blushed and looked down at her plate. She heard her Master speak up, "Really, I did not know you could cook Cassy."

"I can't really. Momma is too kind. I just helped her." Her voice quivered with nervousness. 

Momma laughed a soft kind chuckle, "She is learning more everyday. Soon she will be as good a cook as I am. She puts love in her food just like me."

Jesus spoke up. "If this pretty girl learns to cook as good as Momma, you will have to marry her Nathan, because if you don't, I will."

"Perhaps I will." His voice was cool.

Cassy squeaked in embarrassment. The Professor came to her rescue. "I don't know if either of you are good enough for her."

Momma stood up and said, "Cassy can you help me clear the table?" 

Cassy nearly bolted into the kitchen. She got a tray but could not face going back out there. Momma bustled in after her. "You stay here and put the cheesecakes on the tray and get down some coffee cups. I will have William help with the dishes. Take a deep breath girl. They were teasing each other."

"I know. He would ever marry me."

"I never said that."

Cassy squeaked again and covered her face with hands. "I have never even thought about it. Oh my god. This is impossible."

"Not so impossible, pretty baby. My Master married me. Who do you think was the father of my babies? Now that I have completely agitated you, calm down. Take a deep breath and walk calmly out there and sit down like we have been talking about cheesecake."

It took every bit of Cassy's training in calm controlled grace to walk out to the dining room. Her Master and Jesus were arguing. 

"I am not going to ride back on that motorcycle you crazy man. The only way you got me here on that thing was the threat that you were going to take her away from me."

"Well I sure as hell am not going to wedge myself into Cam's little Beamer to get you home."

The Professor's voice was happy, "Like I would loan you my car you, mad man."

Her Master's voice was final. "I will take a cab." 

Jesus still had not given up. "Come on Nathan ride back with me. We can stop at some titty bar on the way home and get some drinks. Its been at least five years since we last got drunk together."

Windy could not resist any longer and she began to giggle. Jesus eyed her and began to say something but Momma interrupted him, "I think it is time for Windy to help me clean up in the kitchen."

Jesus protested, "I was going to ask her if she wanted to go to the titty bar with me. She seems like a good sport."

Windy spoke up boldly, "I know pretty nice one not too far from here, if you are serious. Or maybe you were just blowing smoke up my skirt."

His loud laugh echoed through the room. "A girl with spirit. Cam you must let me take her out for a ride."

Windy tossed over her shoulder, "I don't need his permission. I am free to come or go as I please."

Jesus grinned. "Nathan you are on your own. I have a prettier decoration for the back of my motorcycle." He followed Windy into the kitchen. "I will come help clean up in the kitchen."

William was sitting there with a big grin on his face. Acadia was openly laughing. The Professor shaking his head and laughing at the same time. Cassy looked at her Master and he gave her a meaningful look and then looked up toward her room and tipped his head. Cassy blushed, excused herself and headed up to her room.

He was behind her by the time she reached her door. His hands were on her as she pulled him through the door. Cassy feverishly tore at his clothing impatient to shed all barriers to the skin she so craved to touch. She felt his hands at the neck of her blouse and she gloried as she felt him tear in from neck to waist, buttons flying. His mouth was on her, taking her nipple into his mouth, sucking hard, his hands in her hair bending her, arching her back. 

Cassy's voice was breathless, "Oh god." She pushed off her skirt, stockings and shoes in one movement. 

He sank to his knees before her, buried his face in her cunt and inhaled deeply. "Oh hell yes." He wrapped his arms around her and lunged to his feet. Cassy squealed as he threw her over his shoulder. He reached up and soundly swatted her ass. "Silence." 

He threw her down on the bed and spread her legs wide. He leaned down and licked the length of her slit. Cassy's hips surged toward him, lifting offering herself. He raised his head and snarled, "He's right, you are a tasty tidbit." His mouth seized her, sucking her tender inner folds into his mouth, his tongue flicking relentlessly. 

Cassy could not hold in her moans. She covered her mouth with her hands. Her hips began to thrust against his mouth, their primitive rhythms calling to him. Her whimpers were pleading, "Please, Nathan please, I need you in me."

He looked up at her, a wicked smile crossed his lips and he leaned down again. He took her clitoris into his mouth and began to gently nibble on it. Cassy lurched and exploded, strangling down her cries. Still he did not relent. He pushed his fingers deep into her and found her g-spot and continued his attentions on her clit. Cassy writhed and groaned as her orgasm continued to spasm through her. She began to babble, "Nathan I can't, please, oh god please."

Finally he released her. He knelt between her knees and entered her almost gently, moving slow and deep with an easy rhythm. Cassy lay limp beneath him, still except for the long tremors of her fading ecstasy that shook her with each of his thrusts. 

He pulled out, his hands urging her to turn over. "Hands and knees baby, up you go." Cassy was limp and malleable in his hands. He gripped her hips and began to thrust into her harder. Cassy moaned long low deep sound, punctuated by soft grunts as he lunged into her. She arched her back and began to lean back against his thrusts. 

He reached down and began to stroke her clit with each thrust. Her moans became soft little cries of pleasure, her hips grinding and bucking. She froze and went rigid, her head lifted high, she softly said his name, and her whole body began to shiver.  

His voice was harsh and deep, "Yes, come for me Cassy, fucking come on my cock you little slut." And he slammed deep into her and began to spasm as he pumped his come deep into her. When she felt his hot seed filling her Cassy began to convulse with her orgasm, her legs sliding from under her, falling to the bed with his weight on top of her.

Her voice was tremulous, "Are you angry with me?"

"With you? No? But angry yes." His voice was softer and gentler. "I guess it showed."

"What was it?"

"I let Jesus get to me. He was needling me about you all the way here, how I ought to give you to him. I guess I was jealous."

"I only want you. You are the only one I have ever wanted."

"Did I hurt you?"

"Hurt? No, I was just a little overwhelmed. It is pretty intense when you touch me down there right after I come. All my instincts are to pull away. When I stopped fighting it, it began to feel really good. I was also kind of paranoid about making too much noise and having everyone in the house hear. I know you said silence but I haven't figured out how to do that." Her voice got softer. "I am glad you came tonight."

"So am I. I have to get out of here soon."

"What time is it?"

"Almost 10:00."

"The Professor said that he had motion detectors on in the halls after 9:00."

"The worst he will do is throw me out. He won't hold you responsible for anything I do. He knows you cannot refuse me."

"He comes and gives me some sleeping medicine at 11:00."

"Maybe I should just stay here and say good bye to him before I leave."

"The longer you stay the happier I feel. Did you get my letter?"

"Didn't you get my reply?"

"You wrote me back?"

"This afternoon. Maybe the Professor hasn't had a chance to forward it to you."

"I haven't been on my computer since before lunch. It might be there. Could I go check?"

"Sure little one."

Cassy snuggled up to him one last time and planted a kiss on his neck. "I am not the only one that is tasty." And then crawled off the bed and headed into the bathroom. She got a washcloth and came back. "Let me clean you off." He smiled and lay over on his back, stretching luxuriously as she gently cleaned off his cock. Once Cassy was satisfied he was clean she planted a soft kiss on the moist skin. "There you go."

"Thank you little one."

Cassy could feel his semen starting to run down her thighs and she crammed the damp cloth between her legs. "You filled me up. I am overflowing."

"No apologies. It is your fate to be my vessel."

"When I feel you come inside me I have the most incredible rush of happiness. It is more than my fate, it is my passion, my destiny. I guess I will have to adjust to leaving a little trail of drips and puddles everywhere I go, like breadcrumbs."

Nathan laughed and gave her a spank on her ass. "It will make it easier to find you." Cassy yipped and scrambled from the bed and skipped into the bathroom. She carefully washed herself and picked out a clean dry washcloth she tucked it up between her legs. Pulling a nightgown over her head she came out and logged onto her computer. "If its there do you mind if I read it while you are here?"

"Go ahead."

There was no letter on her computer yet. "I guess the Professor will send it along tonight. Does he ever sleep?"

Nathan had pulled his clothes on and now sat down on the edge of the bed. "Cam? Not much. He is the most driven, intense, intelligent man I have ever known. He has a PhD in Psychiatry, a Masters in Psychology, and a bachelor degree in philosophy and another one in music history. I met him at college when he was in the music department. Cam kind of collects people. He calls us his family."

Cassy kept her voice neutral. "Are you lovers?"

Nathans voice was soft and open. "I love him. I have been with him, but not recently. I would again if the moment was right. Cam is a curious mix of emotional intensity and physical distance. I don't think he actually has sex with people very often. He has very particular ideas of what is the right moment. Jesus is a different story. He would fuck anything or anybody at anytime. That son of a bitch is the biggest slut in the world."

Cassy had a flash of insight. She crawled up into his lap, snuggling close, her voice muffled against his chest. "And you love him too."

"I was mad for him for the longest time. But he was too wild, too out of control. I could not take it. I tried to make him change but he would have none of that. That and the fact he was never going to let anyone dominate him and I don't think I could ever be happy for very long in a completely equal relationship. I kept trying to control him and we would have huge battles. We still are fighting."

"You like both men and women?"

"It has never mattered to me what the shape of the person was so much as their beauty, physical and mental. You are the most incredibly soft, quiet, gentle girl. Your tentative movements, your shy blue eyes shifting nervously, your quiet whispers, the trembling of your lips all scream to me. All that and your delicate beauty, I knew I had to have you the first time I saw you in the bookstore. I never thought I would fall so hard for you."

"You saved my life. I was close to killing myself when you found me. At first I think I chose to give myself to you because I was too afraid to die and it was just another way to lose myself."

"I knew you would go stand on the bridge."

"How did you know?"

"I had a private detective investigate you before I decided to ask you to come read for me. I wanted to make sure you were single, and not a druggie or thief. He couldn't find much about you so he mostly followed you for a week. He watched you when you were on the bridge."

"I always thought you could read my mind."

"You are easy to read. Your emotions show clearly on your face. That is why I got so worried when you started to disassociate more and more. Your face would become empty, you were gone, and I could not bring you back. It seemed like the harder I pushed you to stay with me the further you got from me. I reached out to Cam to ask him what to do. He wanted me to send you to him over a year ago but I could not bear to be parted from you. It took him a year of him counseling with me to get me to agree to let you come here."

"I am glad you decided to. I feel like I have woken from a dream."

"I was so afraid if you got better, you would change. That you wouldn't need me any more. I still am. Cam tells me that if you change, that I have to change along with you in order to keep you."

Cassy wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him fiercely. "He is right. I am changing, but so are you. You are not the same man I gave myself to so long ago."

"It hasn't been that long."

"It was a lifetime ago."



Finding Home Ch. 09



When the Professor knocked on the door, Nathan was the one to let him in. The Professor raised an eyebrow. "This place is turning into a college dorm. It smells like a brothel in here."

Cassy giggled from her bed. Nathan shrugged, "Don't blame me. She enticed me up here and raped me. You don't know how grateful I am that you are here. God only knows what other depraved demands she had in mind for me. But now that you are here, I must thank you for your timely rescue. I must take my leave. I leave her here to face your consequences for her misbehavior." Cassy shrieked and dived under the covers.

"I am totally losing control of this place. Go on Nathan, Cassy and I have some talking to do and she needs to get her sleep."

Cassy peaked out from under the covers and watched her Master smile and gently touch the Professor's shoulder in a tentative gesture of affection. He called, "Good night little one. This was a good talk. I am glad we had it." He turned and was out the door before she could reply.

Cassy pulled the covers off from over her head. "Did we do something wrong by sneaking up here to be together?" She obediently swallowed down the sleeping pill.

"Not at all. It is a good thing that you two are so hot for each other right now. The sex will help keep the feeling of closeness as you guys negotiate how your life will be together now."

"Negotiate?"

"You don't think that things are going to go back to being exactly the same do you?"

"No I guess not. I just never thought I would have much say about how it was going to be."

"Cassy, the life you had with Nathan was too similar to the life you had when your parents abused you. That is why you were disassociating so much. The enforced silence, the complete dependence on another stronger person, fear of death, pain, powerlessness; all these need to be evaluated and decisions made. Why are they important? Can you get the same results in a way that is satisfying without reenacting your past abuses? If you are part of these decisions, if you understand you have the right and power to have some control in this, it will go a long way towards keeping you here with us and keeping Nathan."

"He has to have control. I need that as much as he does."

"Then ask for that. Personally I think the no talking thing, the absolute silence thing is what was worst for you. That and him trying to kill you now and then."

"He wasn't trying to kill me. He was testing me."

"It felt like death at the time though. Didn't it?"

Cassy had to nod, but she still felt a huge irrational need to defend her Master. "I would die for him if he wanted. I love him." Her voice as soft.

"Perhaps, but that is crazy Cassy. Death is the antithesis of love. Life is love."

It was getting harder and harder to stay awake. "OK if you say so. I am going to sleep now. Please fill my head up with all the right answers." Cassy did not even flinch when he swatted her butt hard. She just made a soft purring sound. 

Cassy woke early again. This going to sleep at 11:00 on the dot was turning her into an early riser. After a quick shower she pulled on her sweats and logged onto her computer. 

The Professor had posted her Master's reply.

Cassy, little one, pretty slut,

You weren't the only one having fun. Your responsiveness, your obvious delight in all that we did together was so erotic. The knowledge that I was the source of your ecstasy gave me a sense of power matching and exceeding those of elaborate tests. 

Not to mention I felt like the top of my head was going to blow off, I came so hard in you. You are one hot fuck, pretty slut.

I am very aware that things cannot be the same. When you come home it would be unreasonable and crazy to go back and make all the same mistakes all over again. I am just as nervous and unsure about how things will be, but I trust the Professor when he assures me that growth and change are good. It certainly has felt good so far, all except the being apart from you.

I cannot promise that I will be perfect at this. I have always been and probably will always be a control freak. I will probably still have my dark pissy moods. I will probably demand you prove to me your love and commitment during the times I doubt myself. I hope you will be able to put up with me.

The Professor has spoken to me at length about how I have kept you to isolated and that you are too young to be locked up in my house for the rest of your life. He is very adamant on that point. He says it has to be your decision what you want to do but my job is to tell you that what ever you decide I will support you. This is not easy for me. I hate every second you are away from me. 

Now is the time when the Professor tells me to stop worrying so much about me and start thinking about you. He has such an infuriating habit of reminding me of how much of a selfish bastard I have been. OK deep breath. What ever you want little one, we will make it happen. Your happiness is as important as mine is.

Be good and I will see you this weekend, if not sooner. You are not the only horny one.

I love you. Nathan, your lover, your Master.

Cassy sat and looked at the letter for a long time. Her first impulse was to rush to answer, to reassure him that she did not want to be gone from him for a second. Yet she felt a sense of exhilaration at the opened door. Suddenly so much seemed possible. She had a thought. She wanted a car. She wanted to learn to drive. Just the thought of a car she could use anytime was intoxicating. 

Cassy looked at the time and grinned, time to run. She loved to run. "I ought to run a marathon." She turned the thought over in her head as she headed down to the tread mill. Why not. Suddenly everything was possible. As she warmed up, stretching before running, she wondered if the Professor was the one putting these ideas into her head. If so he was a genius.

She was still in a giddy mood when she got down to breakfast. She sneaked up behind Momma and wrapped her arms around her. She giggled as the rotund woman jumps and yelled. "Good morning Momma. I am starving."

"You bad girl. What has gotten into you?"

"I think the Professor calls it piss and vinegar. I call it happy, silly, delirious happiness."

"I told you that the Professor is a miracle worker."

"Everything seems miraculous today."

Jesus's voice rumbled through the kitchen. "Good morning ladies." 

Momma sniffed, "Don't you good morning me. You know the rules around here. How dare you go around seducing the clients."

Jesus chuckled. "Me seduce her? You should have seen her put the moves on me. Don't get all huffy on me Momma. We both know Windy has a kind of special status here at the clinic. She is here only because she wants to be. Cam is letting her stay here until she finishes school. Let her have some fun now and then. You will probably find she is a little less of a bitch for at least the time I am here."

Momma sniffed and shook a wooden spoon at him. "You and your appetites."

"Mmm yes appetites." He turned and began to fill a bowl with granola. "Come on Cassy join me. Let me look at your pretty face as I enjoy my breakfast."

Cassy looked at this man who had been Nathan's lover. He was really very handsome. He had perfect smooth dark skin, strong even features, a large sensual mouth that seemed to be perpetually smiling. He had an interesting tribal tattoo that was only a shade darker than his skin that stretched from his forehead down around his right eye and onto his cheek. He wore multiple gold hoop earrings in each ear. His dreadlocks were thick as her finger and hung almost to his waist.

"Like what you see little one?" Cassy blushed and looked down, realizing she had been staring. 

"I can see why my Master, Nathan, loves you." Her voice was almost inaudible, pitched for his ears alone.

Jesus stopped smiling and looked at her, a long evaluating look, like he had not really seen her before. "You are full of surprises little one. Welcome to our family. I think Nathan has made a good choice."

Cassy smiled softly and dug into her breakfast. Family, it had a wonderful sound.

After she had finished eating she asked Momma to let her help cook lunch, "The Professor has not made any appointments for me. And if I have any hope of finding a good husband I guess I better learn your art."

Jesus rumbled, "You learn to cook like Momma. I will forsake the road, marry you and settle down. I would fill your belly up with a dozen chocolate babies."

"I can't help but think Windy might be more your type."

"I will marry her too. I am far too much man for any one woman. Yes I think that is the answer to my gypsy ways. I will have a harem. Momma would be welcome too."

The Professor stood in the door. Cassy jumped to her feet. He waved at her to sit. "Jesus, you are incorrigible. But a harem might not be such a bad idea for you. That way your wives could commiserate with each other over your callous treatment." He turned to Cassy, "Did you get your letter?"

"Yes sir."

"Have you put much thought into what you want?"

Cassy looked around the kitchen, Jesus was sitting there looking at her, his eyes curious. Momma was busily peeling some carrots. She took a deep breath. "I want a car. And I guess I ought to learn how to drive." Jesus chuckled. She took a another breath. "I want to get rid of my apartment. I don't ever, ever, ever want to go back there again. If he gets mad and sends me away, I will just come here."

The Professor looked surprised. "Yes Cassy, I suppose you could. But I think that part of your life is behind you."

"I want to do something part time at the bookstore, anything, inventory. I would like to set up a book readers forum on the website. I have lots of ideas for how to run bookstores. I could help Nathan with that."

Cassy stopped and a tremble shook her. "It is kind of scary to talk about what you want. What if you can't have it."

Momma looked up from a sauce she was stirring. "The world is full of things we can't have, baby. Don't let it keep you from dreaming."

The Professor added. "Its like the lottery, if you don't buy the ticket, you can't win the prize. You have to keep setting your sights on a goal. You may never reach it and rarely is what we strive for exactly what we get. But the rewards along the way make up for the disappointments."

Jesus snorted, "Don't listen to him pretty girl, the goal fades before you and the rewards will be like dust in your mouth. All that is left is the road." For once the smile was gone. His voice was dark and filled with grief.

Cassy was jerked from her thoughts by this harsh observation. "Do you believe that?"

The big man shrugged. "Maybe, maybe not, but I don't want you to believe everything this quack tells you."

"Yet you stay on the road. What are you looking for there, if you have no goals and seek no rewards?"

"Answers girl, I have run out of questions and I still look for answers. I am just a rolling Jones." His tone sounded desperate. His joke falling flat.

"You have not run out of questions. You are full of questions. Maybe you are rolling away from something rather than looking for the answers. Maybe the answers are what you leave behind. Maybe the road is not calling you. Maybe it is mocking your fears."

Jesus stood up and was over her in an instant. Engulfing her upper arms in his massive hands he lifted her, his face close to hers. He was trembling. Cassy could see his eyes were filled with unshed tears. She leaned forward and gently kissed away a shining drop trapped in his eyelashes. "What have you left behind you, big man. What is it that you can't turn around to look at."

Momma was there, with her hands on Jesus's. "Put her down. Come on Jesus. Put her down."

"He won't hurt me Momma, he just needed to look at me closer. We needed to look each other eye to eye."

"Jesus, I know a lot about running away. I have run away from life all my life. You have your road. I had my bridge and my gray wind. It is the questions I ran away from. It was the answers that saved me. Let us love you Jesus. That is the answer. Thats all there is. The people who love you."

His voice was soft and trembled. "Will you love me Cassy?"

"If you will let me. If you will let all of us love you."

His arms slowly relaxed and he gently set her down on the floor. "How did you know?"

Cassy reached up and touched his face. "All my life I ran down an empty hallway, with fear behind me. I don't know a lot but I know about running, running and hiding."

The giant man carefully folded Cassy up in his arms holding her close to him. He looked across the room at the Professor and said, "You have been telling me this for years and I would not listen. How come this little girl can say the same thing and it touches my heart?"

The Professor's voice was soft. "Cassy is a special girl. She never had love, and yet she has so much to give. She needs all our love now and her need speaks to ours."

Jesus gently lowered his face to hers, his lips tender on her forehead. "Forget the cooking girl lets get married now."

"I belong to Nathan. I will always belong to him first. He holds my life in the palm of his hand. I would not have it any other way. I cannot leave him behind me anymore than you could."

"You said you would love me." His voice soft and puzzled.

"One time a wise man said to me that there is no limit to love. The more people you let into your life, the more people you love, the more love you will have to give. Make peace with Nathan. Forgive him. Let us love you."

"Sounds like Cassy might be the one that ends up with a harem." The Professor's voice was light. "Come on lets take a breather, this is a lot for one day. I think Jesus might just need to take a long ride today to clear his head and do some thinking."

"Actually a ride sounds like exactly like what I need. Give me a kiss for the road, Cassy girl." His lips were soft and rich against hers, softly enticing her to lean in and want more. A soft hum of happiness trembled on her lips as she opened her mouth and gently touched the tip of her tongue to his. He ended the kiss as softly as he began it. "Watch out girl. Jesus is the best kisser in the state, maybe the whole fucking world. I will spoil you for all the other men." He planted another quick peck on her forehead and swept out of the kitchen.

The Professor's voice sounded odd and tense. "Cassy, I have to talk to you in your room. Now." He took her arm and hurried her out of the kitchen. 

Cassy's voice was confused. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No, that needed to happen. That has needed to happen for way, way too long." He opened her bedroom door and pushed her into her room. Just as quickly his hands were on her, pulling her to him. "Just like this has needed to happen." His mouth was on hers, kissing deep and long, a low growl building deep in his throat. He ripped his mouth from hers, his breath harsh in his throat.

"Only if you give it freely. Only if you want it as much as I do. Only then. Will you give yourself to me?"

Cassy's mind was whirling. She was completely off balance, the emotional intensity of her confrontation with Jesus still echoing in her head and now this sudden raw sexual intensity from Cam. She nodded dumbly.

"Say it. Say it out loud."

"I give myself to you. I love you. I want you." Her voice was breathless and wondering.

A soft groan rose onto his lips. "Cassy, you are so amazing. How have you captured us so?" His lips were on her again, prying her mouth open, his tongue riot in her mouth. His hands were quickly stripping her. Her uniform seemed to melt away under his fingers. Everywhere he touched her skin it felt like electricity. 

She pushed at his clothes trying to get closer. He unbuttoned his top shirt buttons and pulled it off over his head. His chest covered with thick black hair. He was lean and tall, his arms long and dark with hair. Cassy ran her hands over his chest, curious to feel the soft tickling feeling. He pushed off his pants and boxers in one movement. His cock bobbed up, as long and lean as he was. 

Cassy leaned down and rubbed her face along the length of his cock, inhaling deeply his scent. "Mmm." The hot hard shaft twitched against her lips. Cassy looked up at him and gently ran her tongue along the underside of the head. 

He pulled her away. "Easy girl, you've got me going too fast as it is." He took her hand and led her to the bed. He lay down and pulled her down to lay on top of him. His long hard cock was trapped between them, the shaft pushing between the folds of her cunt rubbing hard against her clit. Cassy shivered as the hair on his chest tickled her nipples. His hands stroked and then began to deeply massage the muscles of her lower back and ass. The force his hands holding her tight against him as he began to slowly grind against her. 

Cassy began to whimper and jerk as she felt herself building. "Oh god I am close, please fuck me. I want you in me."

He slowed his movements against her and kissed her tenderly. His voice was gentle, "We can't Cassy. This was sort of spontaneous. We don't want any babies."

Cassy whimpered in frustration. 

"Shh... it will be OK. Just relax." He continued to gently rub his hardness against her, carefully keeping the tip of his cock away from her cleft. "Relax, just let it feel good." He kissed her again, a soft growl of pleasure vibrating on his lips. Cassy tangled her hands in his thick hair and abandoned herself to the kiss, letting his hands rotate her hips and cunt against his cock. 

Cassy could feel a deep sense of heat and tension building in her, she began to thrust herself against his hardness in a frenzy of spasming jerks, her ass clenching. Cassy felt like she was fucking him with her clit, trying to drive it into him with the same kind of primitive need she felt from Nathan as he would come.

A deep shuddering groan shook her as she came, a small warm gush of liquid from her cunt spilled over his cock and legs. Cam clutched her tight to him and came, his sperm slippery and hot between them.

He pushed her off to the side and rolled her onto her back. He carefully wiped his come from her stomach. "Can't let any of these swimmers get loose. They have amazing swimming skills." He gently kissed her stomach. "I am sorry that it had to be so careful. Next time we will maybe plan ahead. You took me kind of surprise."

"I took you by surprise? I am laying here wondering what the hell I did. I really need to know so I can do it again really soon."

"You love people, Cassy. You have no idea how long I have been trying to get Jesus to face the fact that he is running away. He is the most well defended, stubborn, uncooperative son of bitch. You walked up to him and reached through all that like it wasn't even there and touched him in a place no has been able to reach for ages, maybe ever. Watching you do that was so magical, so fucking amazing. I guess I just needed to be closer to that."

"What is Jesus running from?"

He lay next to her and gently trailed his fingers over her naked skin. "Love. You know that. He and Nathan had the most intense love hate relationship I have ever seen. They are literally night and day. Extrovert and introvert. Primitive and civilized. Loud and quiet. My god the battles those two would have, yet they could not end it. Added to that is the fact that Jesus has never come to terms with the side of him that loves men. He would blame Nathan for that as well."

"How do you fit into this?"

"Perceptive of you to see that this is my story too. I am older than both Jesus and Nathan. We were all at university, Nathan was studying music, I was finishing up a couple of bachelor degrees I had started when I was studying medicine. Jesus was studying music and computer science." 




Finding Home Ch. 09



"I will never forget the first time I saw the two of them. They were coming out of the music building screaming at each other. I never saw two such beautiful men at the same time, exact opposites and yet staggeringly beautiful. I had to get to know them. I offered to buy them both dinner if they would call a truce for the evening. I was already somewhat a man around campus, having gotten in trouble with some to the politics of the running of the school. Both knew who I was. I was a bit of a hero to some of the underclassmen because I took on the dean and got a particularly incompetent ass fired from the music department."

"We got to be good friends. We spent a lot of free time together. Nathan was openly bisexual and made no secret of his attraction to Jesus. You never heard such a classic closet gay homophobe as Jesus could be in those days. It was obvious he was as attracted to Nathan as Nathan was to him. He just couldn't stand the idea that he was. He was pretty cruel to Nathan, but Nathan could be an ass too. I spent most of my time playing peace keeper." 

"When Jesus finally gave in to the truth about himself it was pretty amazing. It was epic. Those two could not get enough of each other but they still clashed all the time. They would fight and one or the other would come to me to get their wounds bandaged, both physical and mental. I have to admit I was not above taking advantage of their vulnerabilities to be with each of them." 

His voice was soft and reminiscing, "There were a few times when all three of us would..." He stopped himself and tickled her waist. "That was a long time ago."

"You guys were all bisexual?"

"Definitely, we loved nothing more than picking up little college babes and having orgies in those days. Thats when we all got interested in the BDSM lifestyle. Jesus and I saw it as just a new kinky way to have fun, but Nathan found a way of life for himself."

"How did it all fall apart?"

"I had to complete my residency in Psychiatry and it was in another state. Nathan's father died leaving him the estate and the bookstores. Jesus started making money off some software patents. With me gone they just fought more and more. Jesus started to take off for days and weeks at a time and then finally he stopped coming home. Nathan dropped out, out of school, out of almost everything. Both Nathan and Jesus kept in touch with me but they had stopped talking to each other."

"And thats how we get here."

"With you Cassy. I think you will be the key to all this. You have the magic to bring us all back together."

"Me?"

"I saw you with Jesus. I see you with Nathan. I know how you make me feel. You can be the catalyst we need to heal the rift between us."

"Do you think Nathan and Jesus could forgive each other? Nathan is so angry and Jesus is so sad."

"We have to save them."

"I won't be able to do this without you."

"I think you have no idea how much I love you. You are stuck with me whether we get those big idiots to come around to the idea or not."

Cassy looked up at him in wonder. "I won't leave Nathan, ever. I will put his wishes before mine always. If he does not wish it, it will not happen."

"Your commitment to Nathan is beyond beauty. It is central to your perfection. It is one of the reasons I love you."

Cassy sighed and snuggled close to him, running her fingers through the thick hair of his chest. "I was a virgin when I met Nathan. Your body is very different. The feelings I have when you touch me are surprisingly different. Nice but different. With Nathan a tiny corner of my mind is always alert, watching, worrying about the perfection. With you I forget myself. That and the fact you seem to be covered in hair." She giggled.

"Nathan and Jesus called me wookie." 

"Wookie?"

"Yea like Chewbacca in the Star Wars movie."

Cassy began to giggle. "I think I am going to need to get some birth control doctor. I am not sure if a wookie baby or for that matter a chocolate baby would fit well into this complex equation."

"You would make a beautiful mother Cassy. I would be proud to have you be the mother of my children. But you are right. Now is definitely not the right time."

"I am not sure about babies. I never have liked kids at all. Nathan is adamant about no kids. He had a vasectomy long before I ever met him. The only time he ever mentioned it he said something awful about improving the gene pool."

"He has a lot of work to do before he can accept his albinism."

"I never have been around kids much. Just the kids at the store and some I would see around town. It seemed like they were always screaming."

"Cassy, you just noticed the screaming ones. Stop and think about what you know about yourself. How do you think a screaming, crying, noisy child would resonate with the Cassy who was hiding?"

"Oh my god. They would have scared the hell out of her. They were going to get killed. They were going to get her killed."

"Children do not always cry and scream. And when they do, they have a right to do it. It is a very valid form of communication when you don't have adult communication skills. Hell a lot of adults still scream and cry."

Cassy was squirming under his caressing fingers. "If you don't let me go, I am going to demand sex from you, fuck the consequences. I am damn close to screaming and crying now."

"I have a delicious image of bringing you home to Nathan fat with my baby in your belly. But alas not today. Come here pretty thing, lets take care of that nervous tension." He held her close his fingers suddenly more insistent, probing deeply into her depths, his lips finding hers.

Cassy was moving slowly and sensually as she found her way into the kitchen for lunch. Momma was sitting at the table with a bowl of steaming soup. "Mmm... smells wonderful Momma. It seems like I am hungrier every day."

Mia ladled up a bowl and pushed it over to Cassy. "It shows you are happy."

Windy swept into the kitchen. "Last final done. Two weeks freedom, here I come." Her voice was joyful. 

Momma clapped. "Good job. How did they go?"

"Cake, smooth as a goose pooping!" 

Momma laughed, "Always the lady."

Cassy asked, "Freedom?"

"I am not a slave to books, homework, school schedules for two weeks. Freedom. Pure wonderful freedom."

Suddenly Windy seemed to become aware of Cassy in the kitchen. "Hey girlfriend. Hows things?"

"Every time things seem like they can't get any better, something amazing happens and I just get happier."

"No fist fights?"

"I seem to have substituted mattress wrastling."

Momma sniffed and tried to look scandalized, but then she cracked up. Windy screamed in appreciation. "That Nathan guy is totally sexy, in a freaky alien abduction kind of sexy, freaky. You will have to give me all the dirty details sometime."

"Only if you tell me about Jesus."

"Oh girlfriend there is so much to tell." Windy held her hands up about twelve inches apart and grinned lasciviously. "He is the man of my dreams."

"I like that you call me girlfriend. I need a good friend. Actually I need a best friend, if you are interested."

Windy looked at her and looked very thoughtful. "I can't promise not to be a crazy bitch."

"But I can promise to love you anyway. If you get too crazy bitchy, I will just have to punch you out."

"Works for me. Maybe I can give you lessons in how to hit me better. You are a terrible hitter."

"What I lack in experience I make up in enthusiasm."

"Well if we are girlfriends we should go shopping."

"Sounds like fun but I don't have any money."

"Neither do I. I just go in and try on stuff and act like I am rich bitch snob. We could play dare."

"Dare?"

"Yea. If I see something I want to see you try on, I dare you put it on and come out of the dressing room and pose in front of the mirrors. You can do the same."

"I am way too shy to do that."

"Ooh, that would make it twice as delicious. Come on Cassy this is what girlfriends do."

Cassy was nervous about being out in public. "What if I can't?"

"Then I promise to love you anyway. Come on Cassy I want to celebrate getting done with finals. We don't have to play dare if you don't want to. I just want to get out of here."

"I don't know if I have permission to go out."

Momma huffed. "Go, go. Just be back for dinner."

Cassy ran up to her room. She grabbed her purse and billfold. Inside her purse she was surprised to find her cell phone. She laughed wondering how long she had had it and not known. She had one twenty dollar bill. An old leftover from her life before Nathan. At least they could have a soda or something when they were out.

She met Windy in the hall. Windy had a large handbag with her. "Come on lets go. Its only about ten blocks to a nice upscale shopping district. I haven't been there in over a year so they probably won't throw me out."

As they passed the downstairs guest bathroom, Windy put her fingers to her lips and drug Cassy in. She opened her bag and handed Cassy a soft red silk blouse and a pretty beaded vest to go over it. She whispered, "We don't want to look like school girls. She looked over Cassy. Nice color for you." She squeezed into a more daring, form fitting black low cut top and a heavy gold choker. They left their blouses carefully folded and stashed under the sink. 

They walked arm in arm out into the soft spring sunshine. 

It was almost seven when the came in. Cassy was out of breath from laughing so much. Windy had kept her giggling and blushing the whole time. They had worked their way from one store to another, looking through racks of cloths, trying on dozens of dresses. Windy seemed to have endless critical comments about the various designers they were trying on. 

At one point a handsome man tried to get friendly with them, but Windy sent him packing with a some very sharp remarks. "He was way too ordinary. We like dimensional guys." Again she held her hands up about twelve inches apart. "Oh baby."

"He isn't really that big is he?"

"Maybe not that big but fucking plenty big. He has the biggest cock I have ever fucked. And man he is so good with it. Assets and skills, all wrapped up in that fucking awesome hunky body. Cassy I could totally be good for that man."

"He is bi you know."

"I know he told me. But so am I. I believe everyone is. You just need to loosen up girlfriend. It could add a whole new dimension to this best friend thing." Cassy did not say yes, but she did not say no either. She filed that away for future thought. Windy was not so scary these days.

Dinner was uneventful except Mary was not there. The Professor told them that her parents had decided to give her a chance to stay home and continue her treatment as an outpatient.

Jesus was conspicuously absent. Cassy thought about what the Professor had said about Jesus leaving and just not coming back. She wondered if she had pushed him into running away again. 

Cassy volunteered to help clean up after dinner. As she helped Momma she asked, "Have you heard from Jesus?"

"Oh yes sweetie, he decided to get started on working on his motorcycle and he lost track of time. He said he would just grab some order out."

Cassy felt a knot of nervousness inside her relax. He might be avoiding her but at least he was not on the road. "Windy really likes him. I think its a lot more than just physical. Her eyes light up so when she talks about him."

Momma was vigorously wiping off the counters. "Jesus should be carefuller about who he messes with. If he breaks her heart I will be so mad at him."

"Momma love is a two edged sword. He takes the same risks she does. At least he is taking risks. What were the words? A framework to hang hope on? You have to buy the lottery ticket?"

Cassy was deep in thought as she walked up to her room. She logged onto her computer and reread her Master's letter. She thought back. Again the morning seemed weeks, even a life time ago. The feeling of exhilaration, the sense of infinite possibilities was still there. 

Dearest Nathan, lover, Master,

It has been another day filled with learning and surprises. The first thing I did was read your letter. My first thoughts were to protest that I would not leave you alone, not even for a second, because what you need will always be first before what I need. No that is not exactly right. More like as long as you need, I don't have have any needs of my own. That was certainly true for the old Cassy. 

But the new Cassy, the one that will be coming home to you soon, felt a wave of excitement at the very concept of an open door. Suddenly the world was full of infinite possibilities. I was suddenly trying on all kinds of ideas; a car, a job, travel, adventure, friends... It will take a while to decide but thank you for that open door. Anything I will choose will have to bring me closer to you. I would not accept anything less.

You talk of putting my happiness before yours. That is impossible, for my happiness is yours, and yours mine. I have had a long long talk with the Professor, with Cam, about you and Jesus. When I speak to Jesus, he tries so hard to be loud, funny, outrageous; but all I see is his grief and fear. It breaks my heart that you two love each other so much and cannot face that love because of how much you have hurt each other. I know that Cam has probably spoken to you endlessly about this, but because I love you and your happiness is my happiness, I beg you to risk again. Please forgive him.

So that is my first wish. I wish you, Jesus, and Cam can be friends again. You guys are my family. I desperately need a family. 

The second wish I put before you is a little silly. Could I have some money? I could maybe make a very good argument that I have been reading for you for these past three years and my paycheck is very very overdue. Today I went shopping with Windy and I would have actually bought something if I had some money. It occurs to me that if I ever choose to walk out that open door it might be a good idea to have some clothes on.

My third wish will be simple. I have my cell phone back and I would love to call you and tell you I love you. But most embarrassing is I have no idea what your phone number is. If you told me, I promptly forgot. A girl lost in silence has no need of phone numbers.

The Professor, Cam, and I have had several really long talks and I am feeling very much closer to him. We have shared very much with each other and I must confess it was both physical and spiritual. I know this is according to your wishes but I wanted to tell you. 

Please don't be afraid. I love you more than ever, you will always be the center of my heart. I am just learning that there is room for others in my heart as well. Keep in mind, Cam tells us change is good. What ever we decide it will be what is best for both of us.

Maybe this is not the place to talk to you about this but I am full of infinite possibility.

I love you. Cassy, little one, pretty slut.

Cassy logged onto her journal and tried to write how about her day, focusing more on her feelings than on the details. She wrote most about the fun she had shopping with Windy, about her talking with Windy about being best friends.

Close to 11:00 Cassy changed into her night gown and crawled into bed. She pulled out one of the novels she had brought up from the library. I was a book about the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz, kind of a story about the whole thing from her perspective. Windy thought back to the sleeping beauty books that had led her to Nathan. She had not read a book for her own enjoyment in a long time. She smiled and wondered what lay between the pages of this book, where it would take her.

The Professor knocked on her door precisely at 11:00. Cassy practically flew to the door, but once she opened it she felt a wave of uncertainty. She hesitated and looked down. Who was this? Was this the open loving man who had lain with her this morning? Was this the Professor, the man who had saved her from the gray wind, the man who filled her head up with answers in the night?

She felt his hand under her chin, lifting her face to look up at him. "What is it little one?"

"Sometimes it is confusing. My first impulse is to fly into your arms and cover your face with kisses, my second is to stand and wait for your instruction. I don't know what to call you. I don't know how I am supposed to act."

"Call me Cam when we are alone. Call me Professor around other clients. I love kisses but we do have work to do while you are still here so we shouldn't spend too much time indulging our selves."

"Work?"

"Cassy most of the things I suggest to you after you fall asleep are encouragement. You are infinitely more confident and enthusiastic than the little girl who came here just a week ago. It has a lot to do with me suggesting to you things like; you have a lot to say, people want to hear you, you deserve to be happy, and things like that. All of this is suggestion. Hypnotism is not brain washing, it is opening doors and encouraging people to walk through them. You could not have made such progress so quickly without this encouragement."

"I certainly feel different."

"I am an impatient man. I like short cuts. I like to see the progress my patients make. You, I must say, have blossomed into something I had not anticipated. Something pretty wonderful."

"You make me feel wonderful."

"Back to work girl. Tomorrow I have made an appointment with a gynecologist for you to talk to her about birth control. I also want you to go ahead and get a physical. Not a bad idea to start getting those pipes checked now and then."

"Tonight at dinner you mentioned that Mary was going to be seeing you on an outpatient basis. I must say my ears perked up at the idea."

"When you are ready to go home we could continue counseling outpatient if we both determine it is best. But you are here now and lets make the most of the time we have." He handed the sleeping pill to her and she took it happily. 

"Promise to kiss me good bye?"

"You look so sweet asleep, your ears open to all my words. It will be hard to stop at just a kiss."

"It would be hardly fair to me to miss all the fun. But what I don't know about can't hurt me so feel free to abuse my unconscious body to your hearts content."

"You are a terrible temptress." His lips found hers and he soundly kissed her until she could not hold her head up. 

Her voice was foggy and fading. "Wow, the whole bed is spinning. And Jesus thinks he is a good kisser."



Finding Home Ch. 10



Cassy woke up early again. She stretched and smiled. She loved that the last thing she remembered doing was being kissed to sleep. It felt so decadent. She pulled on her sweats and started her stretches in her room until 6:00 am. She skittered down the stairs headed for the treadmill when she almost ran right into the wall of flesh that was Jesus. He caught her in his massive hands. "Where you going in such a hurry pretty Cassy?"

"Running, always run on the treadmill in the morning. Didn't expect to see anyone up this early. Its usually only me up in the wee hours."

"Nice to meet another morning person. But treadmill? That just sucks. Treadmills are for bad weather, come out and run with me."

"Out?"

"Yes out, on the road. Well maybe on the sidewalk. You will like it. I promise to not go to fast."

Cassy laughed. "I like fast."

Once outside, he made her stretch first. Cassy protested she had stretched already, "Just do it again girl. I need to stretch and I don't want you to sit there feasting your eyes on my body as I flex before you. It will drive you mad with desire."

"Jesus you are a very very bad man."

"And I am so good at being bad."

"Windy has good things to say about you."

"Girls always kiss and tell."

Jesus let Windy set the pace and soon she was flying along. He would call out the route telling her where to turn or when to stop. She ran fast like was her habit on the treadmill, but she found it took a lot more concentration to run and steer at the same time, watching her terrain. There was little opportunity to think. Jesus kept up but she could tell he was having to work hard to do it. Finally he called a stop. "Lets take a breather girl. You weren't kidding when you said you knew about running."

"When you are afraid, you learn to run. I got pretty good at it."

"Tell me what you were afraid of Cassy."

"Its not a pretty picture Jesus. I had a very ugly childhood."

"I need to know."

"Lets walk. Its a long story."

Jesus held Cassy's hand in his giant paw and listened as she told her story to him. They walked side by side. Jesus shortening his long steps to match hers. Soon his arm was around her shoulders. When she had finished he stopped. "Thank you for trusting me enough to share that with me. You have been through the fire pretty girl."

"It made me who I am now." 

"There has to be a better way to make an angel."

"Tell me Jesus, what has made you into an angel?"

He laughed bitterly. "Angel? Devil more likely."

"No arguments, I told you my story. Tell me yours."

"All my life I have been big. I was good at sports. By the time I was thirteen I was courted by schools to be on the football team, the basket ball team, the fucking water polo team, you name it. All my life I was a macho fucking jock surrounded by macho fucking jocks. It is a very hateful world. It hates failure, it hates weakness, it hates women, and most of all it hates queers."

"And there I was in the middle of that world, and every one of those fucking jocks looked so good to me. I hated queers and I kept having queer thoughts. God I hated myself."

"Then I met Nathan. I could not stay away from him. He was so fucking beautiful. And he was open about liking men. He was everything I wanted to be and yet I was too terrified to even admit it to myself. I wanted him and I loathed myself for it. I thought I loathed him."

"Then one night we had been drunk and we had been both fucking these bitches and he started touching me. Lets just say the bitches went home kind of pissed. It was crazy. The sex was fucking amazing but more than that I fell in love with him, in love with a man. I hated myself even more and I hated him for what I thought he was doing to me."

"It was a crazy cycle. We would fight. We would hurt each other so bad. The words were worse than the fists. We would attack each others most painful secrets. He would taunt me about being a fag and a nigger. I would say terrible things about his being an albino and a rich elitist snob. I would swear I would never have anything to do with him again. I would stay away until I could not bear it and I would come back. We would reconcile. We would have amazing sex. 

Then the cycle would start over. Nathan can be a controlling bastard. I would get pissed at myself about being a queer. I would deliberately do all the things he didn't like to piss him off. We would fight. I would leave. It got so it took longer and longer to come back. The last time I tried to come back Cam told me that Nathan had a girl now, had you, and to let him find his own way.

Somehow I had always kept that in my heart. That I could go back and he would always be there for me waiting and when that was gone, it wrecked me."

Cassy stopped and touched his face. "How do you feel about your bisexuality now?"

"It still makes me crazy sometimes, but I know it is who I am. Nathan was always honest and comfortable about his sexuality. I was so jealous of that."

They started to walk again. "You told Windy you were bi."

"It was pretty easy. We went to this titty bar and she was so obviously interested in watching the show that it seemed a natural topic for conversation."

"Windy thinks everyone is bisexual."

"So does Cam."

Cassy stopped again. "Give me your hands." Jesus held out his hands. Cassy gripped his hands in hers. "Just because I am with Nathan does not mean you can't come home. He needs you. I need you. Cam needs you. Let us love you. Please come home to us."

"Nathan wants this?"

"I don't know, but he always took you back before. I know he still loves you."

"I am so afraid. We hurt each other so bad."

"That is why you need each other now. You are the only ones that can heal the hurts you gave each other. Will you come with me to talk to Nathan?"

"Lets walk back to the clinic. Its almost 10:00 am. We are most likely the subjects of a city wide search at the moment."

Cassy squeaked and began to run back. "Come on. I never got permission to go out. What if I get in trouble. If they call Nathan, he will freak."

Jesus began to run along behind her. "Don't panic girl. I am sure we will be fine."

The Professor, Momma and Windy were in the kitchen when they came it. Momma stood up and pointed Jesus. "I knew it had to be you. Cassy would never worry us like this without you." 

The Professor held up his hand. "They are back now. That is the main thing. It isn't that big a deal. Both of them are adults." He turned to face Cassy. "It is usually considerate to let the people who care about you know if you are going to miss breakfast. We are so accustomed to seeing your pretty face at the table in the morning, it is understandable that we were worried about you. You worried us unnecessarily."

Cassy stopped and her lips started to quiver. "I... I... I forgot. I am sorry." Her voice dropping into her old whisper.

Jesus stepped up and put his arms around her. "Cam, it was my fault. I talked her into going for a run with me. We got to talking, really talking. I didn't pay attention to the time because I didn't care. I forgot she had to be back." He held his arms around her protectively. "Its OK, baby you are not in trouble."

Her voice nearly inaudible, "Did you call my Master?"

The Professor smiled and shook his head. "We were considering it but Windy talked me out of it. She kept saying that you were going to be back soon. Cassy, why don't you carry your phone? I tried to call you and all I get is your voice mail. I went up to your room and found your phone in your bag."

"I forget I have it. I don't really know how to use it."

"I can tell from the fact you have several unanswered messages."

Cassy lifted her face from its refuge in Jesus's broad chest. "Messages? It takes messages?"

Windy made an exasperated sound. "Oh my god girlfriend, did that guy keep you locked in the basement or what?"

"It wasn't locked."

Both Cam and Jesus began to roar with laughter. Cassy began to giggle along with them. Windy tried looked outraged, and then shrugged and said, "Ah, fuck it." and began to laugh too.

Windy took Cassy's hand. "Come on girlfriend you have to learn how to use that damn thing and then we are hanging it around your neck on a gold chain like a rap star."

Windy and Cassy stood in the hall outside her door and looked at the cell phone. All the messages were from her Master. He had called her twice yesterday and once this morning. His messages were brief, mostly requests that she call him back. Windy showed her how to turn on the ring signal so she could hear it and showed her how to set up a call list. "I can't believe you have a cell phone and don't even use it. I would kill to have a cell phone."

"Who would you call?"

"Well maybe my best friend for one."

The phone rang and Cassy jumped and looked at Windy in panic. Windy laughed and pointed at the call button, "Just push it there. See on the screen, it is your Master." She said Master with a slightly sarcastic tone.

Cassy wrinkled up her nose at her and held the phone to her ear. "Hello?"

"Why do you ignore my calls?" His voice was tense and angry.

"I am sorry sir. I... um... I didn't know how to answer my phone."

"You what?"

"I didn't know how to use it. I didn't know how to turn it on and I didn't know how to check my messages. I am sorry, sir."

He was laughing. "My little innocent. It never occurred to me to teach you how to use it. And my stupid rules of no talking made the whole thing a moot point. Are you going to tell me you love me now or have you given your heart to another."

"Oh I love you and I have made room in may heart for another." 

"It sounds like its going to be crowded inside your heart little one."

"You read my letter."

"Yes. I would like to talk with you about that but I think it would be better if we did it face to face."

"I think that would be a good thing."

The Professor stood below and hollered up. "Cassy don't forget you have a doctors appointment today. A cab will be coming by to pick you up in about a half hour!"

"Oh my god Sir, I have to shower and change. The Professor is sending me out to a gynecologist. Something about getting my pipes checked." Somehow Cassy felt that the topic of birth control might be a bit much over the phone.

"Go then. Call me when you get done."

"Yes sir, I love you, sir."

"I love you too."

Cassy looked at the phone and up at Windy. "How do you turn it off?"

"Idiot."

"Lucky idiot to you girlfriend."

Cassy was clean and dressed in crisp uniform waiting for the cab to arrive. She sat in the kitchen sipping on a diet Coke. "I really am sorry I made you worry Momma. Now that I have figured out my phone I will always call."

"You know Windy was right. She said that if you were not here for breakfast you must have had a good reason. She trusted you to make good decisions for yourself a lot more than either me or the Professor."

"I did have a good reason, Momma. The best of reasons. Jesus and I needed to finish that talk we started yesterday. We were just walking and talking. Both of us had a lot to say and the time got away from us."

Windy stuck her head in the kitchen. "Your cab is here. You damn well better have that phone with you girl."

Cassy nodded and held up her bag as she ran out the front door.

The doctor was a wonderful older lady. She put Cassy at ease from the beginning. She gave Cassy a full physical, lecturing her about her low weight, praising her for her gaining some weight recently. She talked about breast self examination and gave Cassy a brochure about that as well as making Cassy do a self examination herself to show she understood how. The vaginal exam was a little weird but over quickly. 

They talked extensively about various types of birth control and Cassy decided that the pill seemed the most logical. She thought about the patch but somehow she felt like it would look out of place on her body. The doctor cautioned her to be careful and use condoms until she had started a cycle on the pills. She also gave a strict lecture about safe sex. Cassy figured she was due to start her period in about a week, maybe ten days.

"Doctor, ma'am, I am a very little woman. I read in my medical records that is because I was nutritionally neglected as a small child. Do you think I could have a baby?"

"There is nothing about your size that would prevent you from carrying a baby to term. If it was an really big baby we might consider a cesarean but those are pretty quick and easy procedures. There is no reason at this time to think you wouldn't be able to conceive. Are you thinking about getting pregnant?"

"No not in the near future. Someone just said that they thought I would make a good mother and it got me thinking."

"Thinking ahead is the first sign of a good mother."

"Thank you."

On the cab ride home Cassy called her Master. "You said to call you back when I was done, sir."

"How are them pipes?"

"My pipes, my pipes are calling." She sang the second line of Danny boy in a soft voice and then giggled. "I have been thinking of that song ever since the Professor said I needed to get my pipes checked."

"That is the worst pun I have heard in ages."

"My apologies sir. Anyway they seem fine. She took a sample of something to check for cancer. She said it was a routine kind of thing and that all women are supposed to do it. Speculums are totally weird."

"I wouldn't know."

"I guess not."

"Sir you said we should talk face to face. I have a lot of things I want to talk to you about. I was wondering if tonight would be too soon?"

"I was going to suggest the sooner the better."

"I will call you when I leave so you will know when to expect me. I like this phone thing. Suddenly being apart is just a geographical thing."

"The geographical thing has its disadvantages. I can't wait to get my hands on you sweet thing."

Cassy felt a delicious shiver go through her. "Mmm... just hearing you say that gives me shivers."

"Hurry up and get your ass home pretty slut."

"I love you." Cassy hung up and gave her phone a little kiss. "I can see why everyone in the whole world goes around with one of these things attached to their heads."

Once back at the clinic Cassy went to find Momma. "Momma I need to talk to the Professor and I need to find Jesus. How do I do that?"

"The Professor is in his office on the third floor, but I can call him down if its an emergency. He isn't with a client. Jesus went to a motorcycle shop to get some parts for his bike, but you could call him on your cell phone."

"Ooh he has a cell phone?"

"Cassy everyone has a cell phone. Knowing Jesus, it is one of those super complicated ones that is almost a minicomputer, music, video, camera, internet, everything. He loves toys."

"You have a cell phone?"

"I said everyone. It is how I communicate with the Professor in this big old house. Its how I call my grand children all the time."

"Can I have your number? Windy showed me how to program it into my phone."

Momma reached into a big pocket and pushed some buttons on her phone. "Sure baby I would love to do that. Go ahead and tell me yours."

"Mine? Oh my god, I don't know my phone number."

"Don't panic, just call me and I will be able to tell what yours is and then I will put you on my call list."

"Momma I feel so stupid."

"You are a miracle, little baby. You were born just a few days ago. Don't apologize. You have a wonderful way of making us all look at what we have everyday and teaching us to appreciate it."

The Professor came into the kitchen. "How was your doctor appointment."

"Good, I learned a lot about taking care of my body. I got a prescription for birth control pills. She said I have to use something like a condom until I can start the pill."

"Good job. What did you want to talk with me about."

"I need to go talk with Nathan. I want to go home for the night. I will come back tomorrow if that would be OK. I want to ask Jesus to take me."

"I talked with Jesus about what you guys were doing this morning. I think it is a good idea to do this before either of those big idiots have time to think too much about it and chicken out." His eyes seemed to blaze. "Could you speak to me privately for a second please."

Cassy nodded and followed him into the hall. He quickly grabbed her hand and led her to the end of the hall where the locked doors to the medical clinic were. Pulling her through the door he shut it quickly. He just as quickly had her in his arms, his lips on hers. Cassy could feel the quivering of his lips. Finally he let her go. "Cassy, sweet wonderful Cassy, you are so amazing. You have filled me with hope for the first time in so long."

"I am scared to death. It sounds like these guys can really get mad. I hate yelling. What if they start hitting each other."

"I think the very fact that you will be there will force them to look at themselves, force them to take more responsibility to consider how their behavior could hurt another person. If they do anything that hurts or frightens you make sure they know it. Neither one of them could bear to hurt you. Your fragility will force them to treat each other more gently. And both of them have grown a lot in the years they have been apart. And if things go all to hell call me."

Cassy grinned. "Another number to add to my phone. I am liking this. And while I am adding yours, tell me Jesus's I need to call him."

Jesus answered on the third ring. "Cassy? You OK?"

"You remember when you offered to take me for a ride any time? Were you just blowing smoke up my skirt?"

"You have been hanging out with Windy too much. But about the ride, my bike is laying on the shop floor in about a thousand pieces but I bet if you asked Cam you could talk him into loaning me his bike."

Cassy looked up at the doctor and asked, "Can we borrow your motorcycle?" 

Cassy flinched back when Cam roared at her phone. "Jesus you manipulative bastard! You want to ride my baby! I don't even ride that bike. How dare you do this to me. You know I can't say no to Cassy."

Cam looked at Cassy and seeing the nervous frightened look on her face, he winked and smiled. The same wink and smile he had given her when they had acted out Windy's punishment so long ago. He put his fingers to his lips. "You put a scratch on my Valkyrie and I will tear your liver out. You will obey all the speed limits. You better promise to me that you will treat her like the lady she is."

Cassy could hear Jesus crowing in triumph over the phone. "Sweet Cassy, I will be there before you can change into your leathers."

"What are leathers?"

"Um never mind. We will make a stop before we take off to... where are we going?"

"You are taking me home. You are going to talk with Nathan. I am appointing myself official referee."

"If you are there, I will try. Put on your running clothes for now. We will stop and pick you up a more appropriate outfit on the way out of town. You are going for the ride of your life little one."

After she hung up she looked curiously at the Professor. "What was that about?"

"Jesus has been trying to get me to let him ride my motorcycle ever since I got it. I don't even ride it. Its like the coolest thing I own."

"We could get a cab if you don't want us to ride the it."

"No, I think this is exactly the right kind of bribe to get Jesus in the right frame of mind. Let him win this round. But I am serious about the liver thing."

"I don't think that Jesus is the kind of guy to obey the speed limit."

"I am not sure if that bike would go that slow. I was... um... blowing smoke up his skirt?"

"I love Windy. That is such a funny thing to say."

Cassy was standing in the garage in her sweats watching Jesus and Cam carefully unveil a huge sleek motor cycle. Cam ran his hands lovingly over the smooth contours. "This is not easy for me Jesus. I don't think I will be able to sleep until this girl is safe parked back in my garage."




Finding Home Ch. 10



"I will be gentle with her, but she will always love me best after I have had her. All the girls do. Every time you mount her she will think wistfully of her time with me."

Cam got out a helmet, it was way too big for Cassy and felt odd and wobbly on her head. "Wear this until you get to the store. Jesus make sure to get her a better helmet while you are dressing her up like a biker chick."

"She is going to be a hottie thats for sure."

Cassy interrupted. "No tattoos."

"Spoil sport, I was thinking of Praise Jesus on your butt. Come on sweet thing this is going to be almost as good as your first time with me." 

He swung his leg over the big bike and made an audible groan as he lowered himself to the seat. "Oh my fucking god, this is so good." He slowly rolled the big bike out into the sunshine and pushed a button. The engine caught and began to hum. He grinned and crooked his finger at Cassy. "Come here girl, get a taste of this." She walked up and he wrapped his hands around her waist and picked her up and instead of putting her behind him he carefully sat her down in front of him. "One of the advantages of long arms. I can keep you up here where I can cuddle you." Cassy found she fit snuggly in between his legs, his chin resting on the top of her helmet. "You fit me like you were custom made."

"What do I hold onto?"

"You have lots of options little one. My legs, my belt or maybe my big boner thats poking you in the ass."

Cassy could not resist slipping a curious hand behind her and feeling the massive bulge pushing against her butt and back. She snatched her hand away like she had been burned. "Oh Jesus." She said it with a hard "J". 

"Its pronounced Hayzoose girl." Cassy squealed with laughter. "You have to forgive him. I haven't had two such beautiful girls between my legs at the same time in fucking ages, maybe ever. He's just a naturally excitable guy."

"He?"

"Yea baby. My little friend, joystick, piston, black mamba, gear shift, gristle missile, torque wrench..."

Cassy was screaming with laughter, "OK, OK I get it."

"You will be getting it soon enough you tasty thing."

"You are so bad."

The motorcycle was amazingly smooth and there was none of the loud roar that Cassy had anticipated. She was intensely aware of the powerful engine vibrating between her legs. 

Jesus pulled the big bike into a parking lot of a big store that had murals of motorcycles all over the outside and neon signs in the windows of all kinds of motorcycle manufacturers. Cassy recognized Honda, Harley Davidson, and a lot of others. Jesus pulled up on the sidewalk in front of the front doors. "Cam would kill me if he knew I left her where she could get a door ding. Anyway I can keep a close eye on both of you girls if I park her up here." He lifted her up and set her on the ground. 

"Come on lets get you decked out."

A shaggy man with a huge stomach came out from the back of the store. "Jesus you monstrous bastard. How long you been in town?"

"Got me a new momma, need her decked out nice. Jeanie here?"

The man turned and roared. "Jeanie, Jesus is here. Get your jiggly ass out here."

A delighted scream came from a back room and a tall red haired woman in spandex came bouncing out from the back. She was voluptuously built with huge breasts and butt. "Jesus, baby, have you finally come to take me away from all this?"

"I will have to take a rain check on that one Jeanie. Anyway I could never make you as happy as Jack does."

The richly endowed red head spied Cassy peaking out from around Jesus. "Jesus, you have a baby girl with you? What play ground have you been hunting in. This one can't be more than twelve. I knew you were a kinky bastard, but kids? Jack, I think we should call the vice squad."

Cassy stepped around Jesus and tried to stand taller. "I am not a little girl."

Jesus laughed. "Watch out Jeanie. This one is feisty. We need to dress her up right. Nothing slutty, just good road leathers, boots and a good fitting helmet. Oh and Jack, check out my ride."

"A Valkyrie? That is an amazing bike but a little smooth for your taste and I thought you kind of had an emotional attachment to your Harley."

"Lets just say I am breaking her in for a friend."

"You have amazing friends. That is a sweet custom job."

Jesus looked suddenly thoughtful. "Yes, I do have amazing friends."

Jeanie beckoned to Cassy. "Come on lets get you looking like that kind of girl that you would expect to see on a sweet ride like that."

Cassy came out of the bike shop wearing a pair of form fitting black leather pants and a leather jacket. They had baby blue piping and tons of zippers. Cassy loved the smell and creaky sound of the new leather. A pair of little black boots with cool buckles and a baby blue helmet finished the outfit. 

Jesus whistled and nodded. "Nice, exactly what I had in mind. My own little motorcycle momma. Thanks Jeanie, you always have the best chick leathers in town. Put it on my tab, package up her old clothes and the helmet. Send them to this address." He wrote on the bill. "We got places to go and people to do."

Cassy got out her cell phone and called Nathan. "OK, I am just leaving town now so I should be there in a little while." Nathan told her he would listen for the cab. Cassy did not correct him. Somehow she wanted this to be a surprise.

The ride was a rush. The bike glided effortlessly down the road and Cassie felt completely safe tucked between Jesus's massive legs. She found that she did not have to hold on to anything. Once they were out of the busy parts of town and onto the freeway, Jesus began to speed up. Jesus hollered into her ear. "Baby, lean forward." He took her hands and stretched her arms to reach the handle bars. She had to lay almost flat on the gas tank to reach. He leaned down over her, his hands clasping hers and suddenly they were flying.

Cassy could hear Jesus whoop in triumph. She shouted in excitement. The power of the engine thrummed up through her. She could feel every subtle movement of Jesus's massive body as he kept perfect control of the machine. The world sped by in a blur. It seemed like they were at the drive to her Master's house too soon. As they cruised slowly up the narrow road between tall overhanging trees, Jesus sat up and pulled Cassy to lean against his chest. 

In the afternoon light Cassy felt her eyes drawn to the huge empty mansion as they slowly rolled by it. It was a beautiful building but she could see that it was starting to show neglect. Nathan had not lived in it since he was a teenager, preferring the smaller more manageable carriage house. 

Jesus parked the bike and they pulled off their helmets. Cassy shook her hair out. As they stretched their legs, Cassy turned to Jesus. "You were right that was amazing. Thank you for bringing me." 

Jesus was looking toward the carriage house. She could tell from his face he was struggling to control his fear. Cassy could hear the sound of Nathan's piano. He always turned to the piano when he was in a thoughtful mood. At least it was not the crashing music he chose when he was angry. 

"Ready?"

"What will I say?"

"Tell him you love him. Tell him the truth."

"I have never told him that. I could hardly admit that to myself forever. It was only after he was with you that I could not longer deny it to myself."

"Tell him that. Tell him everything."

Together they walked up the walk and Cassy pushed open the door. "Nathan!" Cassy knew with his vision that Nathan kept the house nearly dark and did not like to have anyone startle him. The music stopped and she heard him close the piano cover.

"You got here fast."

"Yea, Cam loaned us his Valkyrie. That thing flies." Jesus's voice was soft and deep, filling the room. Nathan stepped into the room. He was wearing the pajama bottoms he had shown her Friday night. He did not have on a shirt and his ivory skin shown in the shadows of the hall. His hair fell around his shoulders. He did not have on his glasses.

Cassy could see that Nathan was distracted by Jesus's mentioning the motorcycle. "You conned Cam into loaning you his bike? You devious bastard."

"I couldn't have done it without Cassy's help. He would never had trusted me without having Cassy along to keep an eye on me."

Nathan looked at Cassy and said, "He has got you all dressed up in leathers? You look cute." Cassy grinned and unzipped her jacket and pulled it off. Under her jacket she wore a tiny leather bikini top, matching the black with blue trim of her pants and jacket. 

Jesus cocked an eyebrow. "I told Jeanie nothing slutty."

"It was a set and I decided I wanted something just a little bit slutty."

For all the light banter Cassy could feel the tension between the two men. Jesus stood just inside the door. Cassy moved to him and unzipped his black leather jacket, "Come on take off this thing. Come in and get comfortable." Jesus let the heavy coat slide down his arms. He wore a perfectly white undershirt on under it and his black skin gleamed on his arms and shoulders.

"Which of you two guys is going to help me pull off these boots." Cassy sat and held up her little feet. Both Nathan and Jesus moved toward her and then stopped looking at each other. Jesus stepped back giving ground to Nathan. Cassy spread her legs wide, a leg pointing at each of the men. "I have two feet guys, I guess if you want, you could both help me." Nathan grinned and took hold of one of the little boots. Jesus laughed and took hold of the other. "Go easy guys, I am not a wish bone."

The two boots slipped off her feet at exactly the same second. "Thanks." Cassy stood and took the boots and put them in the closet along with her jacket. She unzipped her pants and slid them off and pulled off the bikini top as if it was the most natural thing in the world. 

Cassy sighed and stretched. "Clothes are OK, but this is so much better." Cassy walked to Nathan and gracefully dropped to her knees. "My Master, this girl wishes to speak." Nathan looked a little startled but gently tapped her on the shoulder as he had trained her so long ago. "My Master, this girl is overjoyed to be home. This girl begs permission to speak freely tonight." Once more he tapped her on the shoulder.

Cassy smiled and gracefully rose to her feet. "Thank you sir. I love the structure and beauty of our world. I missed it so much. No matter how our relationship may grow or change, I will need this beauty."



Finding Home Ch. 11



Cassy walked to Jesus and took his hand and led him to Nathan and took his hand. "Sirs, I hope you will forgive my impertinence. If you choose, I will accept any consequences you deem appropriate."

Cassy took a deep breath and for the first time in her life began to yell. Her voice shrill and loud. "You two big stupid fucking idiots. How dare you hurt each other with such horrible hateful words. How dare you raise your hands to each other in anger. How dare you attack the very thing you love about each other in a mindless attempt to destroy it. How could anyone be so evil as to try to destroy their love. You broke each others hearts over and over again. You broke Cam's heart. I will not fucking tolerate this childish, fearful, stupid, evil, hateful, ridiculous, idiotic, thoughtless bullshit anymore. If you try any more of this crap, this bullshit, this evil, I will personally kick both your asses." 

Cassy stopped and took a few deep breaths. "I want you both to apologize to each other. I want you to promise to be honest with each other and stop mindlessly hurting each other. For gods sake you better say I love you along the way or I will... I will..." Cassy's voice faltered.

Nathans voice was soft and full of emotion. "What will you do little one?"

"I guess I will keep on loving you both no matter what." Her voice was hoarse and shook with emotion. She dropped their hands and walked toward the kitchen. "If there is any justice in this world there will be a diet Coke in the refrigerator."

She could hear them in the hall. 

Jesus said, "She is right you know, we have been pretty stupid."

Nathan's voice was amused, "I would hate to have her kick my ass."

Jesus's voice shook a little. "I do love you. I have always loved you. I think that was what made me craziest of all. You were so open and comfortable and I couldn't be. I could face wanting you sexually but I couldn't face how much I loved you. I tried so hard to destroy you. Every time I hurt you it was like cutting my own heart out. Oh fuck Nathan I am so sorry."

Cassy smiled and sat down in the kitchen and sipped her soda.

Nathan's voice was soft. "I tried to make you be something you weren't. I thought if I loved you that you would have to somehow change to fit into my world. I had no flexibility. I expected you to do everything my way. I was jealous and cruel. I had always hated myself and you were everything I wanted to be. Yet I tried to change you. I tried to destroy everything that you had that I could not have. Cassy is right you know, it is ultimately evil to try to destroy the very thing you love. I did some pretty evil things.

"Where to we go from here?"

"I guess we forgive each other, like the little lady tells us to do and move on."

"She was impertinent."

"She was wasn't she."

"What do you think we should do about that?"

"I have some ideas if you would care to help me out."

Cassy looked up from her Coke and stood as the two men casually walked into the kitchen. Nathan looked at her with a raised eyebrow. He shot a meaningful look at the floor. "It seems like you have become lax in your discipline."

A delighted grin flashed across Cassy's face and just as quickly she calmed her features and dropped to her knees. Nathan's voice held a hint of steel. "I have mixed feelings. This impertinent little slut has such a crude and strident way of speaking. Yet her words reflected great wisdom. She brought me a great gift but, my such a potty mouth. Her tone was so... unattractive. I am not sure if I should reward or punish her."

Jesus chuckled a deep menacing laugh. "She deserves both. Have you trained her to serve others?"

"Alas no. Her training is seriously lacking. She is most innocent. You know she was a virgin when she came to me. She is delightfully... inexperienced."

Nathan turned to her. "Tell me about Cam. Did you fuck him?" 

Cassy shook her head. "No sir, but we did share pleasure. He pressed his cock against my cunt but he did not enter me. He held me close until I orgasmed."

Jesus shook his head. "That Cam has amazing restraint. I would have fucked her until she was walking funny if she were rubbing her cunt on my piston." 

"May this girl please speak?" She felt the familiar beloved tap on her shoulder. "This impertinent girl would gently remind her master that she is not on birth control and if her master would choose to share her with his friends she might be at risk of getting knocked up."

Jesus laughed a long laugh. "Girl, this shrub hunter never goes anywhere without a big pocket full of condoms."

Nathan smiled knowingly. "Ah yes, custom made, if my memory serves me right. You will be her second my good friend. You will make a pretty pair."

Cassy could tell that the conversation had somehow gotten away from punishment. She decided not to remind them. She was beginning to sense that these two men were finely attuned to each other. In many ways, the sum was greater than the parts. If they were working on something together the results would be... what did Cam say?... epic. She felt a shiver of anticipation. She loved Nathan so much and deep in her heart she knew that soon she would feel the same way about this huge irreverent black man. A fleeting thought crossed her mind. She wished Cam could be here.

Jesus rumbled, "I will be her second? That is a fine gift you give to me. I would suggest if she pleases me I will choose her punishment."

"Don't be too easy. She is pleasing already."

Jesus knelt behind Cassy and breathed in her ear. "Is it true that you are pleasing already? You look pleasing. You smell pleasing. Close your eyes little one. Close your eyes and keep them closed." As she lowered her lids she thought how he used the same words her Master did. 

She felt him pull her arms behind her and grab her upper arms in a huge hand, pinning them together so her elbows almost touched. Her back arched and she leaned her head back, her small breasts held high and proud. Again the deep voice rumbled in her ear. "Not a lot of meat on these bones."

"But it is so sweet." She felt lips on her breast, sucking and nibbling. "Yes very sweet." A soft gasp of pleasure escaped her lips. Jesus turned her head, forcing her to twist and contort to kiss her, his mouth wet and smooth, forcing her jaws wide apart. His tongue reached deep into her mouth, almost filling it, exploring her mouth deeper and more intimately than she had ever felt before. Nathan continued to suck and pull at her nipples. A soft whimper of excitement rose up in her throat. 

Jesus released her mouth. "Yes, very sweet. I would like to see her spread out on your bed. I would taste her more." He released her arms and stood. Cassy found herself lifted like a rag doll and laid across his shoulder. His hand exploring her ass and then sliding between her legs, stroking her slippery wet folds. She heard him sniff noisily. "Smells delectable." She heard him smack his lips noisily. "Yummy. You know Nathan you should get over your squeamishness. This girl is very sweet."

Cassy giggled and said, "He is not so squeamish." 

"None of your impertinence slut. All I want to hear from you is screams of ecstasy." His hand slapped her ass firmly. The swat shook her and stung like hell. Cassy yelped and wriggled on his shoulder. 

Cassy shrieked as he threw her on the bed, but she kept her eyes shut. "Open your eyes girl. I want you to see whats coming." Cassy slowly opened her eyes, the lights were dimmed but she could see clearly. Both Nathan and Jesus stood at the foot of the bed looking down at her. 

Nathan's hand was slowly stroking up and down Jesus's back as he looked at her. "Spread your legs for us Cassy. Show us your pretty cunt." Cassy slid closer and spread her legs, raising her knees to tip her hips up. "Good girl." 

Jesus unbuckled his belt and pushed his pants and and leather chaps down slowly. His erection stood tall and thick. Cassy felt her eyes get wider as she looked at the massive cock swaying in front of her. Jesus chuckled a deep predatory rumble. "I love the way their eyes get big, the disbelief and then the fear."

Nathan laughed softly and let his pajama bottoms fall to the floor. He went to the side of the bed and leaned over, his hands grabbing and spinning Cassy to lay with her head hanging over the side of the bed. He slowly rubbed his cock over her face. "Open up little slut." Cassy happily grabbed his hips and opened her mouth. He slowly pushed himself deep into her mouth, a growl of pleasure rumbling deep in his throat.

Jesus crawled up on the bed and took a firm grasp of her hips, his thumbs spreading her wide. He breathed a long hot breath over her and then took her whole cleft into his mouth. It felt like a huge hot wet vacuum had clamped on to her. Cassy's hips bucked and fought against his grasp and she let out a loud gargling sound around Nathan's cock.

Nathan laughed a deep growling laugh and continued to slowly sensually thrust into her mouth. "Fuck, I love it when you make them to that."

A tiny corner of Cassy's mind was aware that for the moment she had become a just conduit for the two men. That in many ways they were more aware of each other than of her. 

Cassy was trying to focus on breathing and giving Nathan her attention but the sensations coming from her cunt were irresistible. She could feel Jesus's tongue massaging against her clit while he held her whole cleft trapped and warm in his mouth. Loud moans bubbled around the flesh in her mouth. 

Cassy held onto Nathan's hips like he was the only solid thing in this sea of sensation. His hands were tight on her head. Jesus held her hips locked down tight to the bed. Cassy began to shudder with her building orgasm. She felt that wave of irrational need to be fucked that always signaled her pending explosion. She could feel her hips struggling to move. Nathan's voice was soft and hoarse, "Good, make her come." He pushed himself deep in her throat.

Cassy made a long gargling grunt and exploded. Jesus eased the intensity of his mouth on her, his hands massaging her hips and thighs, easing her down slowly, soothing her shuddering flesh. He raised his face, his lips shining with her wetness and grinned at Nathan. "Come fuck her handsome, I want to watch you stick your pretty white cock in this cunt." 

Nathan pulled his cock from her mouth and moved to kneel between her legs. Jesus knelt behind him, hugging up close behind. Nathans voice grated, "Hold your legs up wide and high pretty slut." Cassy put her hands under her knees and held her legs up. He lifted her hips and slowly slid into her. Cassy let out a soft happy cry, reveling in the first sensation of being filled. Nathan began to slowly thrust into her, Jesus moving with him, their movements perfectly synchronized. 

Every time Nathan would push into her Cassy could feel the force of Jesus's hips adding to the thrust. She tried to wrap her legs around both of them and she felt a thrill when she felt Jesus's big warm hands grab her calves. He began to pull on her legs as they would surge against her. 

Cassy could see both of them over her, Jesus's face watching her over Nathan's shoulder. She arched and moved her cunt in a slow grinding rotation on Nathan's cock as he began to tense and speed up the tempo of his lunges into her. Cassy's whole body was tingling and she began to pant and whimper. She went rigid and froze, trembling for what seemed an eternity of building ecstasy. Nathan was being slammed into her by the force of Jesus lunging against him. With a soft strangled scream Cassy began to convulse and shudder. Nathan plunged deep and growled deep in his chest as his essence pumped from him. 

Cassy could feel Jesus still rubbing himself against Nathan, pulling her legs and grinding his cock against Nathan's ass and back. He groaned out, "Fuck, oh fuck yes, Nathan." She could feel the force of his spasming vibrate through Nathan into her. 

Cassy reached up and touched Nathan's face, gently wiping away a single tear that stood sparkling on his cheek. "Epic. Would it be possible to untangle this love knot and let this girl visit the bathroom?"

Jesus helped her ease her legs down to the bed and wrapped his arms around Nathan. "Come on lover lay down with me while Cassy makes a pit stop." Cassy slipped out of the bed as they settled down in each others arms. 

Cassy took her time in the bathroom, carefully washing herself and then getting a basin of warm water and a wash cloth she came to the bedroom door. She could see the two men stretched out on the bed, face to face, talking softly, Nathan's hand gently stroking Jesus's face. 

She hesitated, not wanting to disturb them but Nathan turned his head. "Cassy what took you so long, we were talking." 

"I was getting some water to clean you guys off."

"Mmm... yes that would be nice."

Cassy carefully washed her two lovers working on one and then the other, starting with their faces and ending with their feet. She took advantage of the chance to take a closer look at Jesus's big cock. It was big, no arguing with that, but it was in proportion to Jesus's massive body. It was dark and had a rich purple brown shade to it. She pulled his foreskin back and looked at the head. It was even more purple. She washed carefully around his glans and giggled when he sucked his breath in and flinched. Impishly she ran her tongue around the sensitive corona. 

"Damn girl. And here I was worried about wearing you out too early. You like that big lolly pop?"

"I am not the only tasty one around here."

Cassy put away the basin and came back to the bed. She climbed on and deliberately wriggled in between the two men laying on the bed. "I like it here in the middle. I feel so safe surrounded by love."

Nathan gently stroked her hair, carefully smoothing it away from her face. "I was talking to Jesus about how I wanted him to come home. How that this was his home. He seems to think he would be somehow be an intrusion, an inconvenience. He said something like he did not want to get in your way?"

Cassy turned and half climbed onto the broad chest of the big man. "OK you, get up. Get out of this bed and bend over." Her voice was deep and threatening. 

Jesus looked puzzled. "What?"

"How the fuck am I going to kick your ass if you are laying down on it?"

"What did I do?"

"You have to be honest, damn it. None of this not wanting to be a bother, bullshit. We love you. What are you really afraid of?"

"You, I am afraid of you. You look at me and see right through me. I can't hide from you."

"What are you trying to hide from me?"

Jesus tried to get up from the bed but Cassy put a single finger on his chest. "You can use your strength to push me away big man. You could break me in half with a glance. Is that going to be your answer? You speak of seeking answers. Give me your answer. What are you hiding from me?"

"None of this seems real. I am so afraid I am going to do something stupid and hurt you like I have hurt everyone else in my life. Cassy I love you and I could not bear to see the hurt in your eyes."

"So you are going to be a big stupid jerk on purpose so I won't find out that you are a big stupid jerk by accident? Brilliant."

Nathan could not help but chuckle. "Better let her kick you in the ass. It may be a lot easier than this."

Cassy turned, "Please Sir, no offense but you could be next." She turned back to Jesus. "Funny loud man, we love you. Nathan has taken your worst and he loves you madly. Cam loves you. I love you. Do your worst, we will survive. Just don't run away from us. I don't think we could survive that."

"I won't wear no leash."

"Jesus, love is not a leash it is wings. If you want to fly, we will be here when you want to come home to us. Just let this be your home." Cassy grinned. "Anyway I am the only one that gets to wear a leash around here. You try wearing a leash, you will really be a bother."

Nathan protested. "I have never made you wear a leash, you impertinent slut."

Cassy giggled and then schooled her face to its calm expression, her tone to its trained cadences of respect, "Well spoken my master, leashes are such a public demonstration of ownership. You always leaned toward private demonstrations of obedience and devotion." She tipped her head toward Jesus. "Beloved friend of my Master, have I been pleasing?"

Cassy could tell that Jesus was struggling with the his uncertainties and this change of tone had him reeling. "Pleasing? You make me crazy. You look at me and see through every one of my defenses. You see my weaknesses and yet you promise to love me in spite of them."

Cassy interrupted, "Not in spite of your weakness. Because of your weaknesses, your fears. They are part of you. All of us have flaws. We all have scars. This world is harsh, it breaks us. We are all like perfect glass vases that have been shattered and then carefully reassembled. Never again the same but somehow the more beautiful with the light refracting through the cracks, stronger for the glue binding the pieces together. We are all more beautiful, more strong, because of the scars."

Cassy pouted, "I am so sick of ranting at you. Jesus I ask you, have I been pleasing? Or should I be more direct? This girl wants you big idiots to stop talking so much and pay attention to her. Reward her or punish her."

Nathan spoke up, "I, for one, am tired of speeches. Less talk Jesus, more action. Lets give this slut something to occupy her mind."

Cassy touched Jesus's full lips. "I distinctly remember this big man bragging about being a good kisser. I think I may need some more demonstrations." She crawled up onto his broad chest and pressed her lips to his. She could feel Nathan move closer and felt his hand stroking her back. 

Jesus groaned softly, a small almost defeated sound and his huge hands gently cradled her head. His mouth opening and pulling her in. Kissing him was like slowly sinking into mindless pleasure. She closed her eyes and let herself float, a happy hum trembling in her throat. 

Holding her close to his chest Jesus turned to his side and faced Nathan, trapping her between their two bodies. Cassy sinuously writhed between them, reveling in the sensation of being completely surrounded by skin. She could feel their hands on her, stroking, exploring, each touch setting her skin on fire. 

Jesus's cock pressed hard and tall against her stomach. Cassy ground her cunt against the length of it. Jesus lifted his lips from her mouth, "You want some of that don't you slut." Cassy whimpered and thrust her cunt at him, wordless. Jesus's big hands turned her to face Nathan, "Keep her busy good friend." Cassy made a whimper of protest as she felt him move away from her, the air cooling her heated flesh.

Nathan wrapped his arms around her and took her mouth with his. His lips hard and demanding, he took her lower lip in his teeth and gently bit and pulled. She could feel in fingers in her cunt, probing spreading. Her hands reached and found his cock, sliding her hand over the head in the way she knew he loved best.

Soon Jesus's voice rumbled, "Bring her to the edge, hold her for me." Cassy felt Nathan turning her and lifting her legs. He slid to sit on the edge of the bed and held her in his lap, pulling her legs to her chest. Cassy opened her eyes and blinked. Jesus was standing close. He knelt and pressed his face to her cunt, his tongue and lips busy. As the waves of sensation built Cassy's hips she began to struggle to move. 

"Oh god, fuck me, please fuck me." Cassy felt like the words were torn from her. Jesus looked up, his smile almost a snarl of lust. 

"Oh you sweet little slut, you are going to get fucked. Don't worry." He stood and slowly rolled the condom down the length of his cock. He reached for a tube of lube and rubbed a generous handful up and down his shaft. He grinned and wiped his hands on her cunt. 




Finding Home Ch. 11



"Hold her tight." Nathan's arms held her knees wide. The tiniest thrill of nervousness sang through her aching need. He pushed the head of his cock against her opening and slowly pushed in. Cassy had somehow expected it to hurt, but instead she felt a deep stretching and an incredible sense of fullness. Cassy groaned in happiness. When he was only about halfway into her he stopped and gently moved in and out, his movements tantalizing. Jesus's voice was tense, "Baby you are so hot and tight." Cassy reached to him, pulling at him, wanting more. 

"Please, please..." He slowly moved in filling her, pressing deep. Pushing hard against her cervix. Cassy's voice was a strangled groan. "Yes, yes. Fuck me like that." He began to move in and out of her, with carefully controlled movements. Cassy could feel that he was being very careful. She looked up at him and could see he was watching her face, gaging her.

Cassy groaned out the words, "You are not hurting me. Please Jesus, you are making me crazy. Stop being so careful. I am not made of glass. Just fuck me. Nathan please don't hold me so tight if I can't move I will start screaming."

Nathan let go of her legs and she grabbed them in her hands. Jesus reached forward and put his hands on Nathan's shoulders. Free of restraints she could feel her hips surging to meet each thrust. Jesus began to pick up his tempo, moving faster. Nathan began to pinch and pull at her nipples, his lips and teeth on her neck. Cassy began to whimper. "Yes, yes." She felt the trembling tension building in her legs and tingles spreading over her skin. A scream tore from her throat as she began to come. Jesus began to move against her faster and harder, pushing against her cervix, forcing grunts from her as she convulsed on his cock, the waves of her climax endless. 

Jesus pressed deep and shouted as he joined her, his cock twitching as he pumped out his come. He leaned against her, his big arms around both her and Nathan. Cassy's voice was soft and blurred, "Welcome home big man." 

Nathans hands on her were still tense and demanding. She could feel his cock hard and needy against her back. "We seem to have left our friend behind. And he has been so nice."

Jesus kissed her and leaned close whispering in her ear. "You get the top half. He will want lots of your sweet kisses." He pulled from her and picked her up, turning her to face Nathan once more, pushing him down on the bed. Cassy tangled her fingers in his hair and pressed her mouth to his. Cassy could feel Jesus's head, his dreadlocks coarse and rough between her legs, as he pressed his mouth to Nathan's cock. Nathan's whole body tensed and surged, a deep growling groan rumbling in his chest. Nathan's hands seized her head and he began to devour her. His mouth consuming hers, hoarsely groaning against her mouth. Suddenly he forced her face away and let out long keening groan his body arching, lunging. Cassy held him close and sighed in satisfaction as she felt Jesus move to sandwich her between them.

Cassy sighed and took each of their hands and held them to her lips. "I feel so happy. Never in my life have I felt so safe, so loved."

Nathan traced her lips with his fingertip. "You certainly fit in here between us like you were custom made for the spot little one."

Jesus slowly traced a finger along her skin, casually inspecting and exploring. His voice was thoughtful, "I will probably fuck up a lot."

Nathan reached across Cassy and touched Jesus on the shoulder. "We expect nothing less. Things have been a little boring around here without you." Cassy squealed in glee and wrapped her arms around Jesus. 



Finding Home Ch. 12



This is the last chapter of this story. Thank you all for your encouragement and feedback. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

Jesus stroked her hair, his voice musing. "So what kind of punishment would be appropriate for an impertinent slut that has given us such a gift? I think that perhaps a simple spanking would be the best choice."

He sat up and crooked his finger at her. "Come here girl, you have been strident and crude. Lay over my lap and contemplate your errors." Cassy remembered the hard swat he had given her as he had carried her to the bedroom. She felt a delicious shiver of dread. 

"This girl regrets that she spoke so discourteously. This girl accepts her punishment and craves to improve by it." She lay over his lap. 

Jesus ran his fingers over her ass and then slowly stroked her soft skin. "Slut only you will know when you have truly learned your lesson. You will be the one who decides the extent of your punishment. I will only be the instrument. You must beg for each spank. You will know when you have had enough." 

"Please Jesus, spank me. I need this."

His hand cracked down on her ass. Cassy felt the sharp sting lance through her. "More please." By the fifth the stinging and heat in her ass was continual. Gradually the force of the spanks were getting harder. She felt her whole body jerk, her flesh shuddering as his hand cracked down on her butt. "More please." By the tenth soft little yelps of pain were being forced from between her lips. At the fifteenth a sob broke from her lips and she cried out. "Wait, wait just a minute." 

She realized that Nathan was laying close to her face. She blinked through her tears and smiled at him tremulously. "Hold my hands please." He nodded solemnly and took her hands in his.

She took some deep breaths. "Please five more just like the last one and then stop." She was wailing by the time he was finished. Nathan was gently kissing her face and she could feel Jesus's big hand warm and soothing stroking her aching ass cheeks.

She pulled herself up and kissed Jesus. She was startled to see tears on his face. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her hair. She could feel him trembling. Nathan put his arms around the two of them.

"Don't be sad, Jesus. I really did need that. It had been too long since I have felt the discipline of a Masters hand. I needed to know how it would be for me now. I hated the way I was talking to you but I was so desperate and I couldn't figure other way to get you guys to listen."

"You probably will need to yell at me on a regular basis."

"Promise to give me this afterward."

"Oh I see your plan. This is a two edged sword."

"I will do anything to keep this wonderful feeling of being held like this."

Nathan stood up and shook his long white hair. He reached down and pulled on the pajama bottoms he had been wearing. "I don't know about you guys, but I am starving. I am going to throw something together to eat. There is no way I will compete with Momma but it will be hot and edible, marginally edible."

Jesus laughed, "I have eaten your cooking before." He shuddered dramatically. 

Cassy mocked outrage. "Its not that bad."

Nathan looked at the two of them, a rueful smile on his face. "Thanks for that vote of confidence little one, I think."

Nathan boiled some pasta and opened a couple of jars of marinara sauce. He made a salad and apologized for not having any bread in the house. "I really was not expecting company or I would have had something better delivered." 

"Like I said he is not a bad cook." Cassy the corner of her mouth trembled with a stifled giggle.

Jesus nodded. "Thank you for the not so bad food, Nathan. We were all hungry."

"What do you guys want me to do. Hire a cook?"

Cassy squealed in excitement. "I want Momma! Lets get Momma to come cook for us."

Jesus looked at her and shook his head. "Mia will never leave Cam. Never in a million years."

"If Cam comes to live here, Momma would come."

Nathan looked at Cassy with consternation. "How the hell are we supposed to fit all these people into this house?"

Cassy stopped and looked thoughtful. She tipped her head to one side and looked at Nathan through her lashes. "You have a bigger house."

Nathan inhaled sharply. She could see him struggle. "That place is so full of ghosts for me. I swore years ago I would never step inside of it again."

"The ghosts are still there, Nathan. Even if you don't ever live there we should go chase them out. They haunt you everyday. I really want Cam to be here with us. He has been part of this since way before I was. He loves you guys as much as I do."

Jesus stood up and moved to stand behind Nathan. "You know thats true. The Wookie is part of this, always watching, always teaching. He loved us before we even knew we loved each other. He was always the conductor in this little opera." 

Cassy pushed back in her chair and began to clean off the table. Cleaning up after meals had always been her job. Nathan came up and whispered softly in her ear. "Jesus and I will clean up here. I want you to go downstairs and shower. I also want you to take an enema. Jesus and I have some creative ideas for some after dinner fun." His breath tickled her ear and he ran his hand over her ass. Cassy felt a rush of excitement. 

"Could I make a quick phone call to the clinic. I should let them know I will not be back tonight and I want to talk to Cam a little."

"Going to check in with the puppet master little one?"

"Puppet master?"

"Yea we used to call him that when he started getting into hypnotism. He always seemed to be in the background pulling the strings."

"Puppet master or not. He pulled me out of the swirling shadows. And even if he hadn't, he has something about him. Something intense and he is so wise. I would have loved him no matter what."

"I feel the same. Call him. Report in. And then go get ready for some more fun."

"Yes sir."

Cassy got her phone from her pants and carefully pushed the buttons that would make it call Cam. 

"Cassy, I am so glad you called. I haven't been able to do anything but pace around and wonder what the hell is going on up there all night."

"Its been epic."

"Epic, good?"

"These two are wonderful and together, oh my god, words fail me."

"You sound happy."

"They aren't done with me yet, so I have to go. Can't wait for my next surprise. But Cam can you do me a favor?"

"Anything for you."

"Could you come out tomorrow morning first thing. Bring us a nice big breakfast. We want to talk with you about something."

"I will be there."

"Cam, thank you. Thank you for everything. You have made me the happiest girl in the world and I think with your help its only going to get better."

Cassy quickly finished cleaning herself. She hated taking enema's but Nathan had insisted she learn to do this early in her training. He did not often want anal, preferring her cunt. But he had would occasionally use her ass during her period. He was very particular about her being clean back there during those times. She had not found it pleasurable but still felt the same happiness at being able to give him something he wanted. 

As she stepped out of the shower and was drying off when Nathan came in. "You are taking your sweet time pretty slut." 

"Sorry sir, I am ready now."

He wrapped his arms around her. "I love you little one. Come upstairs. We want you to come play some more." His hands were on her, caressing, demanding, as he followed her up the stairs and into his room. 

Jesus was on the bed, grinning a lazy smile. "You found her I see."

"I think she was hiding from us."

"Come here pretty slut. Your training is sorely lacking. You must continue your lessons." He slid to the edge of the bed. Cassy slowly walked up to him. Jesus grabbed a handful of her hair and gently irresistibly forced her to her knees. "You are so pretty when you suck on cock. Give me some of that mouth pretty slut."

Cassy moved closer between his legs and began to lick the length of his shaft. She gently licked his balls, trying to get as much in her mouth as she could fit, sucking softly. She moved up and pulled back his foreskin and began to lick around the top of his glans and then slipped her whole mouth over him, her tongue circling around under his foreskin. She could feel his body tensing and quivering with each new sensation. She slid down the length of him taking as much as she could into her mouth and throat but she could not take him all. She felt Nathan's hands on her, his fingers on her face feeling the stretched lips and wide mouth. His chest against her back warming her, sheltering her. A soft groan of happiness bubbled up and vibrated against the flesh filling her mouth. Nathan's voice was soft in her ear. "Relax." and his hands helped her tip her head up as Jesus began to move against her. Cassy gagged and for the briefest instant felt the urge to struggle. Nathans hands on her were suddenly strong. "Relax, trust us."

Cassy shut her eyes and force herself to listen to the voice in her ear. She could feel Jesus's cock sliding deep into her throat. She could feel herself gagging but she struggled to press deeper on his hard cock rather than pulling away. He would slowly pull out and let her breathe. Nathan's voice was soft in her ear. "Good. Thats good. Let him fuck your throat." And she would feel him move into her, pressing deep. Cassy grabbed at his hips pulling him deeper, grunting and gagging, tears streaming down her face. 

Jesus pulled from her mouth and lifted her, his mouth soft and gentle on hers. "Thank you little one." He tipped her over onto the bed and kept kissing her. Cassy could feel Nathan move up between her legs, his mouth spreading her cunt lips and gently taking her clit between his lips, his fingers probing deep and finding her g-spot. Cassy squealed against Jesus's mouth. 

Jesus pulled away from her and she could see him put on a condom and lay over on his back. His perpetual grin was predatory. "Lube her up Nathan, get her nice and greasy."

Cassy could feel Nathan rubbing cool slippery liquid onto her cunt. Together they lifted her on top of Jesus. Cassy groaned in delight as she felt him fill her. She began to lift herself and slide down the wonder long shaft filling her, the pleasure forcing soft cries of delight each time she plunged down. 

Cassy could not understand when he trapped her hips and held her still. She struggled to continue her movements, mindlessly seeking her pleasure. "Wait slut. Wait until Nathan is with us." His hands pulled her down to lay flat on his chest. Cassy could feel Nathan running his hands over her skin, spreading her ass cheeks. His fingers wet with lube worked their way into her ass, massaging and spreading. Jesus held her hips and ground against her from underneath. As Nathan pressed his cock into her, slowly moving into her ass. Cassy was groaning continuously, her senses overloaded with all the feeling of having both men filling her. As the began to move, perfectly in concert, as Nathan would push deep into her, Jesus would lunge up and grind against her cunt. Cassy began to tense and tremble, her groans changing to strangled screams as she began to come. One climax blending into the next, she convulsed in ecstasy. Still her orgasms built, never pausing, each one shaking her deeper, almost tearing her apart, her cries hoarse and loud in her ears. 

The lunges of the cocks filling her were getting more frenzied and urgent. When both men lunged deep and came simultaneously, she was suddenly still and said in a soft voice, "Oh shit." It seemed like a bright light exploded in her head and she went limp in their arms.

Cassy became gradually aware of a soft cool cloth gently wiping her face and Nathan's voice softly calling her name. "Cassy wake up. Wake up for me."

Cassy stretched and softly hummed a question. "Hmm?"

She heard Jesus rumble softly, relief in his voice, "I told you she wasn't dead."

Cassy's eyes blinked open. "Dead?"

Jesus laughed. "He was accusing me of fucking you to death."

"I'm dead? Is this heaven? I feel heavenly. And I am surrounded by angels."

"OK, we didn't kill her but I think we might have fucked her brains out." 

"You guys certainly have fucked me happy. That was crazy, I was totally out of control. When you guys both came at the same time, you blew my mind. I just want to sleep for while." Cassy snuggled up to the closest warm body and sighed.

It was deep in the night when a deep rumbling vibration shook her awake. She was snuggled tight up against Jesus and he was snoring loud. Cassy looked around the bed and noticed that Nathan was not there. Silently she crawled out of the bed and padded to the bathroom. Her legs and cunt felt stiff, her ass felt greasy and loose. She sighed, that was crazy. That had been was almost too intense, almost.

Cassy peed and then gently washed her cunt and ass. She wandered through the house wondering where Nathan had gone. He was asleep in his big leather with a blanket over him. She tucked the blanket a little closer and went downstairs to her room. As she snuggled down into her soft nest in her room she thought to herself that it would be a good idea for Jesus to have his own room, a nice big soundproof room.

Cassy woke to the familiar sound of Nathan working out with his weights. She stretched came to her door. He was still wearing the brown silk pajama bottoms. "Good morning sir, did you sleep well?"

"No, that guy snores like a freight train. Its worse now than ever. I woke up in that chair with the worst kink in my back. I thought I would come down here and try to work it out."

"Come lie down on a mat and let me give you a massage."

He smiled gratefully and lay down. Cassy knelt down by him. "I see you are wearing your jammies, sexy man."

"I got all dressed up for you."

"Where does it hurt?"

"Down low."

Cassy began to knead the muscles feeling the knots and tension there. He sighed and groaned in relief as she worked deep into the muscles. Cassy's voice was soft and neutral, "The gynecologist has given me a prescription for birth control pills."

"Good idea."

"At first I was scared if I came home to you that things would be the same. And I did not want that. Now everything is changing and I am scared about that. This is not going to be easy is it."

"You are not the only one that is scared little one."

"Its hard to describe. I like the way things are going but I think that sometimes I will need to know that what we had, what we have is still there. I remember when I first came here and I was almost paralyzed with confusion because I didn't know what you wanted. I was so terrified of doing something wrong, making mistakes, displeasing you. Sometimes now I feel that same confusion. I miss the rules. I miss knowing exactly what to do, exactly what to expect."

"And I miss being able to control everything. The power of that kind of control is seductive."

"I guess this that change Cam talked about. How is your back feeling."

"Better little one. Thank you."

"I am going to take a quick shower."

"Want some company?"

"I hate being alone."

Nathan and Cassy walked upstairs, both naked and drying off from their shower. Nathan headed into his room to get some clean clothes. Jesus was in the kitchen wearing only a pair of boxers gloating over a stack of aluminum foil covered dishes. "Look what the Wookie brought."

Cassy squealed, "Cam is here?"

"He's going out to his car to get more." He looked at her and looked thoughtful. "You OK little one? You kind of scared Nathan and me when you fainted like that."

"Then you should go more easy on me. I am, how you say, delightfully inexperienced. That was way over the top."

Jesus chuckled, "Yea, Nathan and I kind of perfected that move. We kind of have a sixth sense about each other. We can tell where the other guy is and hold off waiting for the other. Its fucking awesome to fuck you, watching Nathan, looking into his eyes. I can feel his cock moving in your ass. When I see him come and I feel myself come at the same time..." His voice cracked with emotion. He looked up at her, his eyes were filled with tears. "Thank you little one, thank you so much." 

Cam came in through the door his hands full of bags. His eyes lit up at seeing Cassy. "Good morning pretty girl. I like the outfit."

Cassy helped him put the bags down on the counter and practically climbed up into his arms. "You have to protect me. These big idiots have been trying to fuck me to death."

Cam laughed and kissed her, "Poor girl. Maybe its how you are dressed. His hands stroked her back and then he reached down and squeezed her ass. It certainly has my mind dwelling on my more primitive urges."

Nathan walked in. He had changed into his normal day clothes. "Hey there. Something smells wonderful. Trade you the woman for breakfast."

"Sold to the fair haired man."

Cassy protested, "Hey, I am hungry too. My doctor has strict orders for me to eat regular meals."

Jesus chimed in. "Yes, feed the slut. She will need her strength."

Breakfast was wonderful. Cam had gotten Momma to make a big pan of home style hash browns with onions and peppers. The other two containers held scrambled eggs and sausages. Cam pulled out a bag of bagels, orange juice and some strawberries from the bags. Cassy ate and ate, filling her plate twice. "Oh my god I was so hungry. You have no idea how hard these guys have been working me."

Nathan looked slyly at Cam. "How much you pay Mia?"

Cam looked alarmed. "Don't even try. You don't have enough money. She is mine."

"Then I guess you will have to bring her with you when you come here. Cassy seems to think we should open up the big house and all live together. I think I agree."

"Here? I can't come here. I just got the clinic set up the way I like it." Cassy could hear the ambivalence in his voice. 

"It wouldn't be that hard to do it again then would it. Just think about it, most of your practice is outpatient or over the internet. The few patients you have staying with you are your pet projects, most of them could manage just fine on their own at the clinic in the city. You could ride the Valkyrie to town a couple days a week."

Cassy climbed into his lap. "Cam please don't say no without thinking about it. Lets go look at the big house and see what its like. We have to chase out the ghosts anyway."

"Ghosts?"

"Nathan says there are ghosts."

Nathan's voice was soft, "Every room is full of my mother and her fucking disappointments."

Jesus put his arm around Nathan. "Nathan, she is not in that big empty house. The only place she is anymore, is inside your head. Thats where the ghosts are. It was all her inability to understand the beauty that was you. She could only see the dreams she could not let go of. She never could see the wonderful person you were. She fed you that poison your whole life and then she died and left you in charge of your own pain. All you have to do is decide that she was wrong, reject that bullshit."

Nathan turned to Jesus and wrapped his arms around him burying his head in the broad chest. A soft strangled sob shook him. Cassy flew from Cam's arms and wrapped her arms around the two men. Cam stood close and put his hand on Nathan's shoulder. 

After a long time Nathan pulled his face away from Jesus and wiped the tears from his face. "I loved her so much."

Cam answered, "Of course you did, you still do. You can still love her and disagree with what she did."

Nathan breathed a deep shaky sigh. "Come on, you guys get dressed. Lets go look at the place. I am sure I have the keys somewhere around here."




Finding Home Ch. 12



Cassy pulled on her new leather pants, jacket and stomped her feet into her boots. Soon they were all standing in front of the front doors of the huge house while Nathan unlocked the door. "It shouldn't be too bad. I have a maintenance company come out annually to clean and repair anything that may have broken down."

The house seemed to go on forever. Cassy was reminded of the dream she had where she had walked endlessly from one room to another. The big house had three stories and a basement. There was a central portion with a large common room almost ballroom sized, a huge kitchen was behind that. Servant quarters were behind that. 

As they walked back through the biggest empty room, Nathan paused. "This was the dining room for the big parties in the old days. I used to ride my bike in here. My mother wouldn't let me ride outside because I might get too much sun." His voice was bitter. Cassy stroked his back.

There were two wings off the center. "One was my mother's and the other was my father's. They could go weeks without ever seeing each other." Each wing had a smaller living areas, salons and offices on the first floor and the second and third floors were set up in bedroom suites. The basement was finished and stood empty. 

Jesus was enthusiastic. "This place is huge. We could all fit in here easy and have room to ride bikes too. Cam you could have a whole wing for your zoo. You could use a the basement to build your dungeon. We could build a nice gym in our side of the basement and I would like a music studio."

Cam's voice was musing, "It would take a lot of work, and a hell of a lot of money."

Jesus laughed. "I like work and Nathan has the money angle sewed up. He's been sitting on his inheritance like an old hen for years. He doesn't even spend half the money he makes off the bookstores." 

Nathan laughed. "I have a vision of my ancestors watching me use their money to remodel this place into a hedonistic pleasure palace. A lot of old Jewish robber barons are spinning in their graves as we speak."

Cassy said softly. "Not a pleasure palace. A home. My home."

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

Epilogue

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

Cassy woke early. Today was the big day. Jesus was doing the last walk through with the contractors. The remodeling had been a nightmare. Jesus had insisted on rewiring almost all the electrical and replacing a lot of the plumbing. The kitchen was all new fixtures. They had walled off two floors of one wing and that portion of the basement for the clinic. It had taken almost six months.

Each of them had a whole bedroom suite. Cam had said that it would be best if they each had a private space to retreat to. 

She came out her suite. She was looking forward to having the workers finished and out of the place. She was so fucking tired of wearing clothes. Nathan was usually in his new office on the phone with some of the bookstore people this time of day. Cassy looked out at the front yard, both Cam's and Jesus's motorcycles were parked out front but they could be anywhere. 

That was her only complaint about this place. It was so easy to lose people. She walked down to the kitchen. To her delight Momma was already there bustling busily getting things ready for the big dinner party they were planning to celebrate the official finish of the remodeling. 

Cassy and Nathan had moved into the big house a couple of weeks early so Mia could take over the carriage house.

"Good morning Momma. Today is the big day."

"Finally. The contractors are with Jesus and Cam over in the clinic. Then they are going to Nathan's office to finish signing the paper work. Who is going to go pick up Windy? Her last class is over at noon."

"I am, Cam is loaning me his car." Cassy still looked for every excuse to drive. It had been hard to convince Nathan to let her learn. He had worried more than any parent of a teenager as Jesus taught her to drive. 

Windy had insisted that the party should be formal. Cassy was pretty sure it was so they could buy new dresses. Windy had increasingly become part of the little family. It seemed like her little tantrums of falsehoods and self harm were becoming increasingly infrequent. Jesus kept pretty close tabs on her. Cassy knew that his heavy hand on Windy's ass on an almost nightly basis was keeping her a very happy girl.

Oddly it seemed like Cam's rooms were where everyone gathered every night. He kept protesting that his bed wasn't big enough for all of them but then Jesus had ordered a crazy big custom made thing and sneaked it in one day for a joke. They ended up putting it in the connecting suite that was standing empty. That way on the rare occasions when everyone wanted to play, they just moved the party next door.

Cassy pulled up in Cam's little two seater Beamer and collected Windy right after her last class of the day. Windy had a couple of semesters left before she was done with her nursing degree. She was still living at the old clinic in town along with Acadia. William had gotten an apartment and Cam said he was doing pretty good. Jesus spent most nights in town with Windy and commuted on his bike to supervise the workers remodeling the house during the day.

"How was school?"

"Same old, same old. I swear half the stuff they insist you memorize is a complete waste of my time. Its like they just do it to make us suffer."

"Only a couple of more semesters to go. And then I know this doctor. He might have a job for a nurse willing to work with his unconventional treatment methods."

"Sounds freaky. Like me."

"You will fit right in. Jesus calls it Cam's zoo."

"Oh I have heard him."

The dresses had taken Cassy and Windy a lot of days of shopping to find exactly the right thing. Cassy had ended up with a light blue halter dress that was of the softest shimmery silk. Windy had chosen a Chinese inspired scarlet silk number with a daring slit clear up to her hip. They spent almost all afternoon fixing up their hair and Cassy even let Windy put on some make up on her face.

After putting on the lip gloss Windy gave Cassy a kiss. Cassy was comfortable with Windy's touching now. She preferred the attention from her men, but found that being with a woman had its charms. She loved having Windy join in with the play in Cam's rooms. She found it very erotic to watch as her lovers would entangle and writhe in what she had started to call love knots. 

As she and Windy walked down together she reflected on how wonderful her life was. As the two girls walked into the dining room the three men stood and clapped. Cassy took Windy's hand and they both curtsied and laughed. Dinner was already on the table and Momma came out looking radiant in a long dark blue velvet gown. 

As soon as they sat down, Cam stood again and proposed a toast. "To family, to home." They raised their champagne glasses. Cassy looked around at the faces of the people who had become her family. Her heart swelling with emotion. She raised her glass. "To love."

They all raised their glasses, "To love."

After dinner Momma asked Windy to come help with something in the kitchen but when Cassy tried to come along Nathan put his hand over hers. "Stay here Cassy." He looked at Jesus and Cam. "We have something we want to talk to you about."

Cassy started to sit back down but again he stopped her. "Give me your hand Cassy." She let him take her hand and lead her a way from the table. Jesus and Cam followed close behind. "Stand here little one." Cassy stood nervously, wondering what was happening.

Nathan knelt down in front of her, Jesus and Cam kneeling on either side. Cassy stood looking down at them, her lips trembling. Nathan's voice was shaky with nerves. "Cassy Chambers would you consent to be our wife?" Cassy felt her eyes filling with tears. 

She dropped to her knees, her voice dropping into her little girl whisper for the first time in months. "Yes, yes I will marry all of you but I have some requests."

Nathan looked at her and smiled. He whispered back at her. "What do you want little one?"

"I don't want to be the only wife person around here. You guys better get me some sister wives. And Windy better be next."

Jesus nodded. "We kind of have been planning that already."

"Nathan must always be my Master."

Nathan nodded. "OK I agree to that."

"I want to have babies. I want to have all your babies. Nathan, I want you to get your vasectomy reversed."

Nathan's lips tightened and his eyes filled with tears. Cassy touched his face. "I want your baby Nathan. I don't care if it is beautiful like you or beautiful like me."

His voice was hoarse. "OK if you are there with me I can do that."

"Then yes, yes I will marry you."

Nathan reached into his pocket and taking her hand he carefully pushed a ring onto her finger. "Welcome home."

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"There are no happy endings, because nothing ever ends." 

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

As I finished this story I found myself very much thinking about Cassy and Nathan and how they came to be together. I have written a prequel call "Lost in the Wind" that I will post next.

Thank you for reading this story. I very much enjoyed writing it. For me writing a story is always an adventure. The story writes itself. I am constantly amazed by what just seems to happen. Please do me the kindness of giving me feedback, public or private. It keeps me writing.

Xantu