0 comments/ 1973 views/ 2 favorites Dirty Bitch: A Novel By: nikoalessandro 1 'Do you Darren Speck take this beautiful fuckin' fine-ass piece of cherrypie to be your beautiful fuckin' lawful wedded wife, booooooy,' said the geezer of a priest, doing some hip thing with his fingers at the end. 'Booooy!' he repeated; and straight after that he did a groovy little moonwalk across the stage, his gleaming black shoes gliding smoothly across the floor. 'Yes I mother fuckin' do,' I said. Man, I was fuckin' out of it by then, pissed up to the bone on Blue Moon Ale. And on my wedding day as well. Fucking shameful lol! 'And do you, Victoria Traseuh, take this fresh mother fucker Darren Speck – former lone wolf of Norwich city – to be your lawful wedded husband? Well do ya girl??' Looking at me soon-to-be-missus next to me, some drool came rolling down his chin in barrels, a look that conveyed: 'Man, I wanna fuck that bitch in the back!' 'I do,' said Victoria, all dreamily and shit, like she thought she was in some Hollywood romance movie. Haha, sheaht! 'Well then, put a ring on it ay Darren. But use a condom!' Then the priest began laughing hysterically like some fat fuck after a couple of tokes of fine-ass Jamaican herb. 'Haha, no seriously Darren mate. Put a fuckin' ring on the doll's face, ay, before I decide I have to pound her one.' I was so fucking out of it that I almost couldn't put the gold ring that was in my hand on Victoria's finger, and I felt the tips of them tremble and twitch as I proceeded to hand out the ring. But I successful did it, and instantly felt hard at the sight of Victoria's white, even-toothed smile. Boy, them teeth. 'Now you can kiss and then fuck each other's brains out later. Man I'm getting hard just thinking about that.' The priest fiddled about with the outline of his stiff cock in in his trousers with his fingers and appeared to day-dream at the lecherous fantasies that were patently boiling up in his head. At those words, both me and Victoria shared a great smooch of a French kiss, I mean a real tongue twister of a one, and I felt that rush of lust expand my cock in my boozed up body, like the priest's but only less dam noticeable. 'Oh get a fucking room will you two!!' yelled my mother from the seats. I withdrew my mouth from Victoria's and after licking my lips looked over at my charming mother. Along with my best-man Jamie, who was passed out drunk on the floor a couple of feet from me after taking a shit-load of vodka before he arrived, my mother was one of the two guests there, and it made the little event seem more intimate for me and my bird, whose own parents were somewhere in Russia I believe (not that I'd ever fucking met the cunts). Very shortly later, my mother got up off her seat and approached me and Victoria on the stage, where flinging her arm around me she gave me a congratulatory pat on the back and nodded. 'Well done son, married. You fucking twat. But anyway, I wish you and the Russian doll the best of luck. And enjoy the £25,000 you've got from the sale of my house. Man, if I'd known it was going to take 25 grand to get you little shit out of my life, I would have sold the place a long, long time ago. Either that or drowned you at birth.' I smiled and gave my mother a warm look. 'Thanks mum, me and Victoria will be very happy.' 'Ha, course you will in that fucking bedsit of yours.' But then the croon smiled and turned her attention to Victoria. 'Good luck ay, you two deserve each other.' I knew very well the mean-spirited semantics of my mother's comment, but Victoria naively saw a good hearted meaning and instead smiled affably. 'Oh thanks Mary, sweet of you to say.' My mother smiled, as if she thought Victoria was a right dozy bint, and then, nodding, turned around to walk away. 'And now to suck off my own piece of eye-candy.' And that was the last I saw of my mother. She fucked off out of the reception; and I haven't seen her since. Victoria gazed adoringly into my eyes and proceeded to give me another sloppy, tongue-twisting smooch, while the priest, some white ear-phones now plugged into his ears, began doing some crazy-ass dance in the background, his feet strutting upon the stage like it was a 70's dancefloor. Meanwhile Jamie, the fucking idiot, was practically unconscious on the floor. But then I heard him groan a little, and he began to wake up from his evident comatose. 'You still with us then,' I said, looking shamefully down at my intoxicated 'best-man'. 'Darren,' came the dick's reply, steadily standing himself up, his hands at his sides to balance himself. 'Must have passed out for a sec. Did I miss anything?' I just shook my head in more prevailing shame. 'You fuckin' idiot, course you missed something. Me and Victoria have just been married, you twat.' 'Oh, that's awesome,' said Jamie. And he then drunkenly flung his arms around both me and Victoria and rattled us both in his way of showing his congratulations. 'Man and wife ay! Congratulations!!' His yelled the last word right in my ear, with an immediate bout of tinnitus shaking up in my eardrum. I shook my head and got back to gazing lovingly into my bride's eyes. 'I love you my beautiful piece of Russian cheesecake.' 'Me too,' said Victoria. 'Now come on, let's go on our honeymoon and fuck our brains out like rabbits.' Victoria smiled cheekily, and I saw that glossy tongue of hers hover past her upper lip. 'Oh, can I come too?' said Jamie, all excited like. 'No you cannot,' I said. 'Please.' 'No, she's my bird Jamie, get your own.' 'Oh come on, I'll just sit in the corner and watch you two fuck.' 'No,' I said, nodding firmly once. 'Oh very well.' Then, breathing out, Jamie looked about the place rather gormlessly. 'Man, where's the John Smith around here ay, I'm firsty.' I got back to gazing into Victoria's eyes, and right then and there we shared our sweetest sourire yet. 'My beautiful angel.' 2 Victoria's lipstick left a faint mark on the rim of the glass, and as I stood there staring at the pale red, a colour which shone neon in my eyes, I thought nothing other than the feel of her lips on my throbbing cock. I could still feel the pleasure linger from when she'd sucked it 10 minutes earlier in the hotel restaurant's toilets. There had been a couple of older women powdering their noses or something at the sink while Victoria had been kneeling down in the cubicle, devouring my gaping cock and balls like a fuckin' champess. And it was as I came in thick, laver-like spurts that I thought rather inappropriately, albeit humorously, about a segment in the UK television sitcom Men Behaving Badly, a part where Tony yelled out, 'BANANARAMA!' during a thunderous orgasm, and as I climaxed in Victoria's angelic mouth that clip came to me, and I mentally shouted the word out. 'BANANARAMA!' I yelled, my eyes closed and my head tilted up as I felt the thrill of the violent cumming, an orgasm of pure delight, with Victoria sucking all of the white jelly-like cum out of my stiff old todger. I almost wanted to laugh at the sounds of the older women outside chatting about antiques, a cheeky smile forming out of my lips as I opened my eyes. After Victoria had swallowed and released her head from my crotch region, I shared a devilish smile with her, our eyes both meeting, and really felt fucking turned on at the thought of those two old hags outside who were totally oblivious to the sloppy blow-job I'd just cheekily received. 'Haha, cheeky,' I thought, a Homer-Simpson-like voice in my head. 'Victoria, what a blow that was,' I said, crudely. My beautiful missus allowed herself to smile, rather devilishly, and then, with her fingers sleekly rearranging her fine dark hair, got up off her knees and moved over to the cubicle door. 'Come on,' she said, flipping the lock open and swiftly descending out into the room. 'Let's have some wine in the restaurant.' 'Yes, more wine is needed,' I said, following her, and staring amorously at her perfectly pert posterior, such a pleasant sight that I almost didn't see the two old bints by the sink giving me a hostile look. One of them had her hands on her hips and was blowing more air out of her nostrils than she probably normally would. 'Excuse me,' the lady then said, proper middle-class-wanker style. I registered the old bat's words and glanced her way. I have to admit I was actually surprised with her appearance, caus she was quite a dam sexy woman: a purple glittery dress for main clothing; a nice heart-shaped arse, kind of like a pair; and a pair of voluptuous tits that were pushed up in her dress to make them look even more massive. Man, I could have had some fun with those pillows. But, despite her mild sexiness, I think the wrath of menopause was taking its toll on her because she frowned at me and said, 'You really shouldn't be in here, should you?' 'Now come on,' I said, Victoria busy pushing the room's door open, 't'was just a blow-job, t'was all. Nothing like a cheeky blow in the toilets, haha.' The women both shook their heads, and as they turned back towards the sink mirrors, pissed off in their bint-faced temperaments, I followed Victoria out into the hotel dining area. So there I back was, staring at the rim of the glass that Victoria had left there when she'd had enough of the night and wanted to sleep. But although she may have decided she'd had enough of the night and the wine etc., I was still very much awake and feeling my rampant sexual desire return in a bubbly burst of the stuff. 'Fuckin' wine always does that to me,' I thought, gliding my hand against the shaft of my penis, not caring if any of the other guests or staff saw me. 'Wine makes me want to fuck all sorts of people: midgets, ladyboys, man, even public schoolboys if they look feminine enough.' I tell you, I would have fucked a dog with a strap-on if somebody had asked me to do so in a drunken dare. I really fuckin' would have I tell ya. I thought about all things taboo and exciting. 'Dogs, strap-ons,' I mumbled, inebriated to the absolute maximum and leaning back in my chair. 'Oh Victoria, how I'd like to dress you up like some ripe school girl and fuck you from behind while I spank you with a ruler you dirty fucking bitch.' Yes, it seemed that the lust was definitely becoming too much for me, and after a short while I couldn't take it anymore, I absolutely couldn't; so I got up, and with nothing but the intention of semi waking Victoria up and shoving my cock into her sleepy, dry mouth on my mind, I fucked off down the room and in the direction of the stairs. 'My cock'll wetten that mouth of hers,' I thought, already picturing my balls gliding against Victoria's petal-like lips. Meanwhile, as I thought all this, I passed a couple of staff members, who both looked at me like I was the biggest cunt in the hotel; they had their arms folded and both had that beady little eye look to their faces, like little raisins lodged incongruously into a cake. 'You lot are right,' I said loudly, 'I am a cunt. I am a cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, that's what I am.' If I could recall correctly in my far-from-sober and clear-headed state, the staff members, who all coincidentally happened to be male, had their mouths kept tactfully shut – hotel policy maybe? – and just casually looked about the place, one young sailor boy lookalike starting to whistle in that obvious discomfort. 'Well, I tell you all, now I am gonna shove my cock and balls into my girlfriend's mouth. She's Russian you know, a real good fuck.' One of the chaps even displayed an obliging smile, his eyes narrowing like a panther's as he leaned forwards against the bar. He was the only one of those cunts who seemed in anyway relaxed. And I liked him for it, I really did. So, I hastily got to mine and V's room and descended through into the lamp-lit chambre, a beautiful, mellow ambience defined by glowing auburn wood. 'Oh Victoria,' I whispered, like some caring but cheeky grandfather as I closed the door ever so gently shut. And it was amongst the light glow from the lamp in the room that I saw the Russian beauty sleeping nude with a blanket sheathed daintily over her back, her ample breast cleavage just discernible as she lay exactly how I envisioned her to be, supine on the bed in that sultry position that always made my cock feel like a North Korean rocket launcher ready for firing, with spurts of jizz for flame-heavy ammunition. 'Oh Victoria,' I whispered again. Slowly I moved forwards, pulling off my black blazer in the process, and heard the girl make a slight sleepy groan with her voice brief, but resonating, gentle, but powerful. 'Don't worry Victoria, I'm not going to disturb you girl, I promise.' I got up close to Victoria's face, gazing down at her sleepy, cherubic visage, and with gradual movements began unzipping my fly, the metal segments coming down with no force whatsoever. Then, with my cock relatively hard, I gripped my todger in the palm of my hand and started to position it in-between Victoria's sensual lips. 'Wow,' I muttered to myself, 'I love them lips. Them lips good lips girl.' The gorgeous woman was certainly still asleep, but by that point I didn't give a fuck, I just wanted some major sexual stimulation, some harmless, brief SEXUAL GRATIFICATION; and nothing could stop the yen I had for her. So placing my hand around the back of her head, I started thrusting my cock through her lips like a thief's hand to a purse and after getting her mouth sufficiently open for penetration with my other hand I managed to get my cock in. And once it was a quarter of a way through, it felt fucking great I tell ya, like a shower of angel cunt juice splattering over my head like a squeezed sponge. 'Oh yea Victoria,' I said, closing my eyes and tilting my head up towards the ceiling like I'd done earlier in the cubicle; I almost wanted to deepthroat her but I didn't: obviously I couldn't go that far. 'Oh it feels so good Victoria, your lips are like Jane Mansfield's. No, more modern than that. Like Anna Nicole Smith's that's whose. Oh Anna Nicole Smith, you beaut of a woman.' I thrust my cock rather gently back and forth into sleeping beauty's mouth and despite a frenzy of extreme mother fuckin' randiness, I still found myself feeling quite limp and lacking in virility. 'Oh well,' I thought, 'wine always does that to me. Not to worry though. I guess it's better this way. Yes, better.' I nodded, not letting my rather pathetic semi get to me, and with my thighs and backside pulsating in drunken energy, I shook my todger about in her mouth like I was brushing her teeth with a cock-brand toothbrush, her gums feeling warm like melting jelly. 'I'm gonna fucking come,' I said, my eyes still closed and a swarm of perspiration turning my face florid and clammy. 'I'm gonna cum in your mouth girl. I'm gonna ... cum.' You'd think that Victoria would have woken up by then, but oh no, she was still very much asleep and in touch with her dreams; in fact, I swear I could even hear her snoring (either that or I was somehow cutting off her air supply with my constant thrusting). 'Any such thing as sleep swallowing?' I muttered humorously, rubbing my fingers through her Barbie-like hair, imagining a time when I was a young boy and I did a similar thing with my sister's makeup doll-head. 'Well let's find out shall we?' And then, with a violent groan involuntarily springing from my mouth, I let a load of sickly jizz seep like droplets of piss from an incontinent bladder into Victoria's mouth. 'You dirty bitch,' I said. Man I felt like Pierre Woodman in the conclusion of one of his classic, magnificently erotic casting sessions as I pushed my cock and balls right forwards with a gusto, my lower stomach pressing into her nose, her snoring intensifying with minor blockage. 'Wo yeaaa!,' I said, my orgasm reaching an abrupt end like it always did, and my eyes opening like the sped up footage of a blossoming flower. 'Like a ticket to Venice t'was that.' I laughed a little and then, breathing out, looked down at Victoria, her angelic self still cast away in some unknown, foreign dream, before slowly removing my alcohol drenched slug of a cock from her mouth. After that I allowed my eyes to absorb the sight of a thick trail of cum that oozed from the corners of her lips like toothpaste, a pearly, glow-in-the-dark white. 'That was great Victoria, just great, you were superb.' I took one more look at the seeping cum, now staining the pillow like grease, and headed off to the small bathroom compartment around the side of the room to get some tissues. It was as I gently soaked up some of the cum from her mouth, gently dabbing the tissues on her lips, that sleeping beauty finally started to wake up. 'Dar ... Darren,' she said, her eyelids slowly lifting up and her voice groggy in a somnolent haze. 'Yes, my beautiful strawberry cheesecake,' I said, still dabbing at those cum-glossy lips. Mmm mm, them lips. Victoria stared at me, confused. 'What ... what are you doing?' 'You're drooling a little sweetheart,' I said, dabbing and staring in a caring fashion at her, like a father to a sacred young daughter. 'Oh no, did I?' Victoria seemed slightly embarrassed, for she obviously thought it was such an unwomanly thing to do; unlike me who couldn't have given a tossing fuck even if she'd pissed herself. 'Yea, but don't worry darling. This stuff happens a lot. You've consumed a lot of wine as well.' A small, but sweet, smile overpowered Victoria's face and as if calmed by my words she allowed herself to gently close her eyes again. 'That's right, you get back to sleep my little angel.' 'Darren? Why don't you come to bed as well.' 'I'll join you in a bit sweetheart,' I said, scrunching up the tissues and tossing them over into an obscure corner of the room for the staff to mop up later on. 'But right now I'm going to have some more wine before the catering closes.' 'Ok Darren, don't be too long though.' 'Don't worry baby, I won't. Anyway, sweet dreams.' Victoria smiled once more and as she gently closed her eyes I sauntered off out of the room with intentions of consuming more wine and maybe fucking one of those older birds in the back: the very thought made me rub my hands together and grin devilishly. 'Dirty, dirty women,' I laughed. 3 If it hadn't been for the great, pleasure-heavy sex that I was having on a regular fucking basis with my beautiful Russian girlfriend Victoria, then the honeymoon we were on, in all frankness, would have been a complete waste of fucking time, a pointless fuckfest which just went to support my theory that the only thing a man really needs in life is to have a good supply of alcohol, a good woman to fuck, and some nice illicit drugs to get off ya' fuckin' rocks on. Yea man! Victoria, however, disagreed with my theories and ideologies on hedonism, and in opposition liked all of the things that I didn't give a mother fuckin' Jimmy Saville about: sandy beaches with smooth turquoise seas; mainstream fucking pop-music by rich cunts whose throats I'd love to slash; materialism of the mulberry kind; all of the stuff that I wouldn't hesitate to release a load of bile-infested vomit onto. Well fuck that shit. But anyway, what Victoria wanted, Victoria fucking got; and it was at the sandy Tenerife beach resort that Victoria and I had been having our honeymoon on that I found myself laying on my back on a beach towel, with Victoria, relaxed in a prostrated position in a purple bikini, by my side as she read from some shite of a woman's magazine (Cosmopolitan I think, or was it cunts galore I wonder?? Probs cunts galore). In the distance, a – what some would say – gorgeous, brisk sea could be seen with a couple of seagulls having there own little joyride on, but I wasn't interested in that pointless sight. Oh no, my eyes were fixed solely on Victoria's dam sexy body: that peachy fuckin' derriere; that lightly tanned back, still fortunately undamaged by the sun's fierce UV rays; and those fuckin' womanly legs of hers. Dam, I could have licked every inch of that sultry, nectarious skin; I could have eaten me dinner of her tush for fuck sake it was that mother fuckin' erotic. Dirty Bitch: A Novel 'Victoria, I'd love to eat my dinner off your tush,' I said, gazing at that beautiful fucking heart-shaped arse, and trying to ignore this bunch of teenage tossers who, being the only other people currently there on the beach, were to the left of the beach tossing a ball back and forth to each other, their rambling little voices accentuated by some real fuckin' gay laughs. Bunch of bum chums they were. 'Goodness, you're so obsessed with sex, aren't you Darren?' said Victoria, shaking her head. 'I just think you got a beautiful tush girl,' I said, managing to perceive the outline of her arse-crack through the semi-translucent material of her bikini. (And it was a mighty fine arse-crack I tell ya.) 'Is that all that matters to you, my tush?' 'Girl, you everything I want in a woman. Nice tits, nice arse, nice stomach cleavage, nice legs, nice lips, nice eyes, your brain ain't too bad either.' 'Well that's nice of you to say that you like my brain.' 'I love your brain girl. It's like venus the goddess' that's what it's like. Wo it's a dam good brain.' And this last comment seemed to please Victoria as just then she leaned towards me and planted a nice warm kiss on my cheek. I was trying to truly appreciate the feel and sensation of it when I started to get really frustrated with those teenage wanky beachball cunts round the side. 'Those little pricks,' I said, glancing at them and their weedy little bodies, feeling an unnecessary stress take its toll on me. 'Look at those wanky little bastards Victoria, they're cheeky cunts they are I tell ya!' 'Oh leave them alone Darren, they're just having a bit of fun,' said Victoria, focusing back on her mag. 'Who the fuck could have fun with a beachball for fuck sake. It's about as entertaining as scrabble.' I was grinding my teeth in aggravation when I noticed that the only girl of the bunch, a girl of about 15 or 16, maybe 14 as her knockers were a tad small, was a pretty dam sexy girl. 'I tell you though Victoria, that young bird's quite nice on the eye, ain't she.' 'Oh shut up Darren, you little pervert.' 'I guarantee she's gonna blossom into a real beauty within the next couple of years. Might even end up as beautiful as you.' 'Oh Darren that is sweet.' To prove that flattery as atrocious as mine does actually work, Victoria leaned her face towards me and planted another sensual kiss on my cheek to show how appreciative she was of my complements. I was really truly enjoying that moment when the frustration from those teenage fuckwits grew out of proportion, and when one of the cunts kicked his mother fuckin' ball over to where me and Victoria were, I'd had enough. 'Little cunts,' I huffed, leaning towards the ball and picking it up. 'You beachball bastard cunts.' And somewhat violently, I tossed that piece of plastic shit hard towards the sea and then watched the group's disappointed faces droop down to their necks. 'Oy, you lot! Go on, clear off! You cocksucking bastards! Get da fuck out o' here, will ya!' I gestured violently to them with my thumb and clenched my fist tight, grinding my teeth at the same time. But one of them young lads wasn't having any of it. Oh no. And in retaliation, he put his middle finger up at me and mouthed some obscenities that were partially distorted by the sound of the wind and sea, although I'm pretty sure he called me an asshole, maybe something worse. 'Yea up yours too mate you little cunt!' I yelled back, my fist clenched and my teeth continuing to grind, a mercury filling surely wearing down to blackened dust. As the lot of them moved over to the sea to try and reclaim their sea-swept ball, I turned my attention back to Victoria and gave her a rather amorous smile, a look that conveyed the words, 'Oh yea baby, I handled that situation alright.' However, judging by Victoria's sulk of a face, she was not impressed and resented what I'd done to those 'harmless kids'. 'Oh Darren, why did you have to go and be rude to them for? They're just kids having some fun.' She shook her head and moaned. 'Hey, I only did that for you Victoria,' I said, clasping my left hand around her cheek and gazing devotionally into her eyes, like Roger Moore to one of his feisty bond birds. 'How was that for me? They're just kids.' 'Hey,' I said, preparing to justify my actions, 'that darn beachball could have hit you in the face Victoria. It could have injured you. And I couldn't have that happening to my beautiful girl now could I?' 'Darren, it was just an inflated plastic beachball, honestly.' 'It may have only been and inflated beachball, but I tell you Victoria, those things are lethal. Them little bits at the end. Could prod your eye out like that.' 'Oh Darren, don't be ridiculous.' 'Anyway,' I said, glancing at Victoria's peachy derriere in an attempt to divert her attention. 'Let's just put this behind us now; the sight of you is far too beautiful it's making me feel rather turned on.' 'Oh is it now?' 'Yea, it is,' I said, placing my hand on Victoria's tush and rubbing at it. Man it felt good, warm and supple, the best kind of tush; and as I moved my face towards Victoria's, I started caressing her neck, gentle, gallantry pecks turning into frenetic, passionate enamouring. 'You are such a beautiful woman, such a gorgeous woman.' Then I started to run my hand around to her chest, groping her left breast, my cock getting hard as a rock with the outline already visible in my shorts, a frozen-sausage-like boner of a hard-on. 'Come on Darren, there's people about, they'll see.' 'What, those teenage twirps? What are they gonna do, ay? Besides, it's good for them to see. It's like sex education or some shit.' I glanced at the lot once over by the sea, watching them still trying to get their ball – cunts weren't gonna do jack shit – and got back to caressing Victoria even more intimately, my hand beginning to move down to her cunt, the warm heat of her body so sensuous and beguiling. 'Oh Darren,' she uttered, losing control. With Victoria now starting to moan in pleasure, I slipped my hand in and started stroking her cunt with my fingers, anticipating contact with her sensitive clit. 'You like that, don't you V.' 'Oh ... Darren,' replied Victoria, with romantic undertones to her voice. 'Oh you sexy bitch.' Swiftly, I moved even closer and then, caressing Victoria's cheek, my hand still stroking her cunt, I got onto the back of her and felt my cock press against bikini-covered flesh. 'Oh yea, Victoria.' I could hear those teenage wank-stains coming back from the ocean with their ball, but I managed to blank them out and instead started dry humping Victoria with my stiff cock which, right then and there, was literally harder than a piece of confessionary rock. 'They'll ... see ...' gasped an erotically overwhelmed Victoria, losing herself completely in a wave of potent lust, while I glanced back at those weedy lil teenagers, my body still rhythmically moving against my dearest bitch. I'd noticed them stopping to take a good stare, and this made me grin real devilishly. 'Yea, you look an' lean son,' I thought, before turning back to concentrate on humping Victoria some more. 'Oh Darren, at least cover us up with a towel or something.' Thus, in obedience to her – for what Victoria wanted, Victoria fucking got! – I fiddled for the large blue beach towel to my right and then flung it over my back, concealing myself and Victoria in a nice sheathe of blue. I soon grew bored with the dry humping, and after releasing my cock through the fly of my shorts I yanked down Victoria's bikini knickers and started sinking my cock into her burgeoning backside. She moaned like crazy, and I felt my cock penetrate her like a warm knife through butter, with her snug, radiant cheeks almost poetically heated by the glorious sun up above; I could just picture that sun in my mind, a huge rapturous smile on its round, sunflower-like face and a large burning joint protruding out of its mouth. Haha, a funny mother fucker of a sun; even had a pair of shades over its eyes. 'Ow, not too deep,' moaned Victoria, while I pounded and pounded away, champ-style. It was all so fucking sexually gratifying, until I suddenly thought about those teenage lot in my head. 'Hmm, are they still staring, I wonder?' And flipping my head back, the top half of the towel blowing back a little, I glanced at the teenagers and saw them still staring, a rather shocked 'OMFG!! Look what those two are doing!' look to their visages, with the two boys, one in a rather ludicrous round pair of gold-framed glasses like The Milky Bar Kid, scratching the backs of their heads in discomfort. The very look on their silly little acne infested faces made me smile, and I grinned hard at them, even noticing my arse bouncing up and down under the towel like a champ. 'Haha, look at that arse go,' I chuckled. Then I noticed the beautiful, well certainly attractive, girl out of the group. And man did she look a sexy bitch right then and there, with her dirty strawberry blonde hair shimmering in the light, rippling wind and her supple young teenage tits looking like they were being sucked back into her chest. It made me even harder, and as I humped away I fantasised that my cock was in that girl's underage orifices. 'Oy, girl!' I yelled back. Immediately, the three of them jumped back slightly in shock but then quickly regained their poises to avoid personal embarrassment and humiliation. 'Hey girl, you fancy getting your young sweet arse into a threesome?' For some reason, Victoria didn't seem to object: she just moaned and moaned away beneath me as I pounded her like an absolute beast. 'Hey girl, I'm talking to you girl! You fancy a fuck with me and my girlfriend!' But one of the boys wasn't going to put up with any more of my impertinent behaviour, and in some kind of pathetic, possibly hormonal rage, he stuck his middle finger up in the air and shouted back, 'Fuck you Pervert!' in true public schoolboy style. Then straight after that, rather unexpected to me, he picked up a large pebble off the sand in front of him and proceeded to chuck it at me as hard as he could, the pebble hitting my arse like a pellet of pain. 'You little motherfucker!' I yelled in retaliation, deeply pissed off but still unable to stop humping Victoria. 'You little fuckstick! You wait, I'll get ya, ya cunt!!' I was gazing angrily at them, a bit of spit spraying from my mouth, when they all started to jog away, the pebble thrower in particular looking quite pleased with himself as he went with the wind. 'You come back here you little prick. I'll fucking ruin ya ya lil cunt. You motherfucker you!' I even clenched my fist in rage while I humped away at a moaning, and surprisingly oblivious to what was going on, Victoria; man did the woman seem to love my compacted cock lodged in her arsehole, and never had I realised that she was such a fan of backdoor loving action as then and there. The very lascivious thought nearly distracted me from the teenagers pissing off in the distance, but then I looked back at them again, all the while feeling myself about to come. 'You little pricks,' I said, my fist in the air, my nails digging into the palms of my hands. And then, in a giant beach-set eruption, I came inside Victoria's drilled arsehole. It was later – 20 minutes or so – and I was standing fully naked in the shallow seawater, staring down at the patterned surface while I breathed in the salty sea air. 'Smells a lil obscene Victoria, don't cha fink?' I said, turning back to look at my girl who was still reading from that nonsensical woman's mag. 'What's that?' she called back, not bothering to look. 'The sea water, it's vaguely obscene, don't cha fink?' 'Hmm, I don't know. Maybe.' 'Real freakin' obscene.' Turning back, I gazed out into the distance, out at the outline of some shithole of an island obscured by some vaporous cloud. And it was as I peered about the place, my nostrils stinging a little from the briny air, that I noticed a crab being washed onto the shore in a series of rippling waves. 'Hey, look Victoria!' I said, in a sudden bout of excitement, following the crab with my forefinger until it got swept onto the sand. 'A crab!' The word crab, accentuated by my high intonation, caught Victoria's attention and she actually averted her eyes from the mag. 'Oh, so there is, funny.' 'Wow Victoria! It's a real beauty of a one as well,' I said, moving over to it, my feet slicing through the water, my eyes fixed on the creature's shell. 'It looks pretty dead,' said Victoria, monotonously. 'Of course Victoria, the mighty sea has destroyed this little creature, obliterated its existence into sea-fated doom.' And in no time at all, I was crouched down right by the crab and gazing down at its bubbly, dead corpse, its drenched body a mauve colour and its legs pushed together like entwined, crippled fingers: it was a real fuckin' crab alright. 'This is a real fuckin' crab Victoria,' I said, prodding at the still-tough shell. 'Haha, yes Darren.' 'I tell you, you don't find one of these beasts down your underwear. Now that really would a problem then wouldn't it.' I couldn't help but let out a rapturous laugh, looking up at the sky while I let chuckle after chuckle of laughter out of my mouth. 'Very funny Darren,' said Victoria. 'I mean imagine if that's what flaming crabs really was, a bunch of mighty lil things snappin' away at your todger or muff. Now that really would be a reason to actually call it "crabs".' Victoria didn't say anything, she only coughed slightly; I could tell she was uncomfortable. 'Man, I think I'm becoming obsessed with this crab shit Victoria, I think I've got a problem.' Leaning forwards, I picked the crab up, slightly fearful that it was going to suddenly come back to life and snap me fingers in half, and tossed it far out to sea, smiling at the little visible splash it made in the distance before yelling, 'CRABBBBSSSSAAAA!!!' 4 So I and Victoria, after a brief period of travelling about Europe, returned to the lifeless, and ultimately fucking boring, city that is Norwich, where the grey, polluted sky casted a melancholic cloud over my Russian doll's head. (Actually, I had one too as a matter of fact, but in all honesty I didn't really give a fuck: my head had been in a permanent, non-transient cloud for a long time anyway (t'was the drugs).) All I really cared about was Victoria's beautiful fucking face and body, a body that I nearly all of the time wanted to explore in great voyeuristic style before I yanked my cock out and sprayed the cum equivalent of molten lava into a sexual orifice of choice. 'I really hate this weather Darren,' moaned Victoria, as we both walked away from Norwich railway station and in the direction of the river, the rain starting to fall from the sky and people scarcely about the place. 'Same here girl, it's a shite place to be, no question about it.' 'We should really get out of here, you know. Just some place different, somewhere livelier and where the people aren't so ... rude.' I nodded and spat a huge glob of saliva out onto the pavement to emphasis my similar feelings. 'Rude they certainly are V. It's caus most of the people here today aren't the original lot. They're all the twatfaces from places like London and Ipswich who've immigrated here. Just plain cunts.' 'Why don't we do it Darren?' I glanced at the glob of saliva I'd left, and then looked at Victoria to my side. 'What, you want to leave this shithole?' I replied, before clearing my throat with a Yoda-like sound. 'Yes I do Darren.' 'Well ... where the fuck you wanna go, ay?' 'I don't know. I don't know many places in England. But, I'm sure you could rent some cheap place out somewhere.' 'Hmm,' I thought, pondering, 'well it'll have to be a cheap place, I'm not wasting any of my mother's payout money on some rip-off fuckin place. I tell you, people are proper ruthless cunts these days; they'd charge you for air if they could.' 'It could be some place basic. Like a studio flat.' 'Yea, now that sounds good Victoria. I've heard about them studio flats. We should do that.' Man, I was surprisingly enthusiastic about Victoria's proposal, very surprising for somebody who'd spent the majority of his entire fucking life in the boring shithole that the rest of the country refused to acknowledge. We'd gotten half way down the side of the river when I noticed a dead squirrel lying at the corner of the road, all squished up and mangled from where it'd been tossed about by the wheels of some vehicle. 'Oh look at that, there's a dead squirrel Victoria. You don't see that every day, do ya,' I said, my voice for a moment going all high like some joke of a Jordy's. 'Oh that's horrible Darren,' said Victoria, her eyes squinting in repulsion. 'No it ain't girl, that's a thing of beauty. Look at it, a beautiful creature desecrated in organs and blood and guts on the pavement. I mean just WOW!' 'Oh that's horrible Darren. Stop it.' Knowing that Victoria's knickers were getting in a metaphorical twist, I moved over to the squirrel, knelt down, and pointed right at it, my forefinger literally millimetres away from the bloody surface of its body. 'You can see its little pink mangled brain through that hole.' 'You're disgusting Darren.' 'Oh, I'm disgusting Victoria,' I said, in outrage and standing back up again. 'You're the one who refuses to except that sheer fuckin' art has been sprayed all over the corner of this road. Sheer, unprecedented beauty I tell ya girl.' 'Darren, you're being insane, stop it.' 'Me, insane?' And I nearly laughed. 'I'm not the one who wants to move into some rip-off place of an apartment, some rip-off, limey fucking cunt place of an apartment.' I could already see that I was getting Victoria slightly upset and emotional. 'Darren, why are you being so nasty and unpleasant for?' 'I'm not Victoria. I just want you to acknowledge that this dead squirrel on the side of the road here is actually a really beautiful sight, that's all I want you to do.' At this, Victoria huffed and crossed her arms even more tightly around her chest. 'I tell you what Victoria, if you say it, then we'll move out of this crummy shithole of a city ASAP, and we'll move to wherever you want to go, wherever in this shithole of a country you wanna go. How's that sound, ay?' 'Are you fucking serious Darren?' said Victoria, immediately unfolding her arms. 'Yes I am Victoria. Serious as I've ever been before. You just say that one thing for me, and we'll fuck off out of this mother fuckin' shithole I promise.' 'Well, I think you're being fucking mad Darren.' 'Fucking mad? Hmm, maybe I am, but we're all a little mad inside, aren't we.' 'Oh ...' huffed Victoria, looking as if she was giving in. 'What do you want me to say, exactly?' 'Just say that this dead squirrel is a beautiful representation of blood over matter, and a brilliant, poignant reminder of how death becomes art.' 'Oh, you're fucking mad Darren, but ... I'll say it.' 'Good girl,' I said. And with a look of joy on my face I immediately turned my attention back to the deceased little chap, pointing at it with my forefinger, glancing once at Victoria. 'But you have to look at it while you say it.' 'Oh for fuck sake Darren, do I have to?' 'Yes, yes, Victoria, then we'll get the fuck out of here and break free from the barrier of inbred arsehole scum.' 'Oh ok,' said Victoria, looking down at the squirrel; and after an immediate look of repulsion took hold of her face, she breathed out and prepared to utter her 'monologue' if you will. 'This ... this dead squirrel is a beautiful ... representation of blood over matter ... and a poignant reminder of how death becomes art. There, happy?' She looked at me, and I smiled back at her, solely satisfied and immensely pleased to hear her say such poetic words. Dirty Bitch: A Novel 'Girl, we'll be out of here in no time.' Taking her arm in mine, we then cruised off down the road together, and I smiled, feeling very fucking content for some reason. I guess I was, somewhere deep and lost inside, optimistic that a permanent change of place would be a good thing. I think that all those years in Norwich had really sucked the life out of my soul, and had painted a pretty shoddy picture of what existence should be. 'I'm so glad we can get out of here. I can't describe how much I loathe this place. It's so depressing,' said Victoria. 'Hey girl, I've been loathing this place since my earliest conscious days; I sympathise with you, I really fuckin' do.' Victoria seemed to be quite sympathetic with the fact that I came from Norwich. 'Can't believe you've coped this long here,' she said. 'Neither can I, shit happens that you just can't escape. But now that I've got some cash from my good old mother and a good Russian bird, things are looking good.' I laughed cheekily before letting Victoria plant a nice soppy kiss on my cheek. 'It's so great to hear that we can get out of here.' 'WE'LL GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS YEASTY CUNTHOLE IN NO TIME!' I yelled out into the street, my echo reverberating in huge swells under the river's bridge. 'I think all this good news means a celebratory blow-job is in need for you.' And at that very moment, an instant flash of that sequence in Confessions Of A Window Cleaner popped up in my mind, and I found myself shouting out, 'YABADABADOO!' real fuckin' loud so that people started looking out their windows. YABAFUCKINDOO!!! 5 So, in no time at all, a nice cheap studio flat for just 250 quid a month in a place called Lincoln, with basic furniture included, had been arranged by myself, a rather generous deposit having already been paid, and I and my beautiful Russian missus were heading the fuck out of Norwich city for good and preparing to sit our content backsides down on the earliest 8 o' clock train available. 'Wo Victoria! Out of this place girl, wooo hooo! Lincoln should be good!' And after all that fucking shite nonsense that preceded it all, we finally got on the train and sat at the front of it with an incredible view outside of an incredibly 'orrible fuckin' place. 'Wayhay,' I said, looking about the carriage, 'not too many people about. Now that's what I call a good mother fuckin' train.' I was placing my luggage in the top luggage compartment when I noticed an old geezer reading some World War 2 related book further down the carriage. 'Right there mate? Good book you're reading is it?' I said. There was a delayed response from the old codger until he looked, rather aloofly, back at me. 'Oh shut up will you!' he said, the lines on his forehead forming an arrow that pointed down towards his crinkly nose, and specs of spit emanating from his mouth in old age intolerability. Taken aback by his rude reply and deeply offended, I retaliated. 'You fucking old cunt,' I said, trying to brush off the humiliation. 'Who do you think you're talking to, ay? Just who do you fink you're effin' talkin' to?' I was anticipating a response from the old fuck, but I didn't get one; he just turned his face away and focused back on his boring read of a gobshite book. 'Can you believe that prick Victoria,' I said, still standing while my missus settled down in her seat to my right. 'The gob on that arse-bandit.' 'Oh relax Darren, we're getting out of Norwich so we won't have to deal with people like him, will we.' It was then that I took a fierce, somewhat predatory look at the old geezer, my eyes narrowing in searing spite. 'Yea, and thank fuck for that Victoria. I can't wait to see the back of this fucking ruin of a place. Won't have to take shit from wanky bastard Norfolk inbred cunts no more.' Then I glanced at the few other people on board, all a bunch of carwash Norwich cunts like the old man. 'That goes for all you Norwich dry wankstains. Fuck y'all!' And I finished off my speech with a quick spring of me two fingers, pure Harry Enfield and Chums style. But then some skinny young mentalist of a chump in army gear near the old geezer thought he'd have a pop at me too, his pink, hyperprolactinemic face scrunching up like a scrotum, and he gave me the evil eye. 'Yea fuck you you cunt! Talk about yourself, why don't cha!' he said. Man, I certainly wasn't going to let that mentalist get away with saying that to me, oh no, oh no indeed. 'No fuck you mate! I ain't even properly from Norfolk you cocksucking fuckstick! My parents were both born in London. So up yours ya cunt!' 'Yea, whatever, you sound Norfolk as fuck to me mate!' replied the guy. 'How fucking dare you. There is nothing Norfolk about me whatsoever!' 'Yea, except that you probably like to fuck your sister. And brother!' 'You cheeky cunt!' Victoria, always disliking confrontational situations, placed her arm around my back and tried to calm me in her loving, motherly manner, her hand moving in circles on my back. 'Come Darren, relax, just leave it will you.' 'Yea, well you like to fuck your granddad mate!' I yelled, forcing my fist in my other palm to emphasize the point. Then I glanced at the older geezer. 'In fact, there he is right now. I bet you did him in the arse in the toilets didn't cha ya dirty fucking cunt. You make me sick.' That certainly shut the cunt up as I didn't here a peep from him after that. He just turned away, a look of gross humiliation dominating his face, and did some strange movements with his shoulders as if to say to himself, 'Just relax mate, untense yourself, think about happy things. Yes, sing the happy song.' 'Fucking cunt,' I said quietly as I slowly sat down, my eyes kept on the back of the guy's head with my face a little florid from the raging anger. 'Can you believe that cunt Victoria, what a fucking cunt.' 'Come on, calm yourself now Darren,' said Victoria, starting to rub at my back and neck with her soft, elegant hands. I liked it a lot. In fact, it started to turn me, in a rather immense way, on. 'Mmm,' I said, catching a waft of her erotically ambrosial scent. 'Speaking of doing it in the arse in the toilets, you fancy a nice quick bit of filthy action in the toilets? Will be our last fuck in Norwich you know.' 'Oh Darren, you horny bastard,' said Victoria, continuing to massage my neck with myself continuing to like it. 'We've got to get our tickets checked first.' 'Oh fuck that shit, the train ain't even started. I'm bored already, and I want to fuck right now and right on this god dam mother fuckin' train.' I was feeling pissed and agitated with everything, but the feel of Victoria's womanly hands on my neck soon alleviated it and made me feel much much better. 'Don't worry, in a little bit.' And then, leaning forwards towards my ear, my wife began to whisper sultry, kink-ridden words to me. 'And it will be a good fuck as well. Just imagine your cock in my mouth.' Suddenly, an explosion of rampant lust went off in my mind, and the very thought of my cock in her mouth sent me into a mad frenzy of intolerable, licentious desire, two thick vapours of steam shooting from both my ears in sexual overload. 'Right, that's it Victoria,' I said, 'you've done it. You've fucking done it to me. We're going to fuck right now, right now I tell you girl.' Victoria didn't even get a second to protest, because in no time at all I was scooping her up in my arms like an Italian lothario – I'm thinking Rudolph Valentino in the height of his career – and carrying her off to the carriage toilets around the side. 'Oh Darren, stop it,' the woman humorously said, playfully rubbing at my face with her fingers. 'No I won't,' I replied, playfully as well. The geezer in the army gear seemed to object to this (either that or it was just blatant jealousy) and turned his face around towards me. 'You perverts!' he shouted. But the nob-end didn't get to say anything else because by the time that last syllable was sounded, I and Victoria had fucked off to the toilets with the intention of fucking each other's brains out like rabbits in spring. 'Oh you sexy bitch, dam girl,' I said, locking the door and letting Victoria yank down my fly, her fingers feeling warm and tender against my crotch. 'No, wait, do that thing with your teeth Victoria, I like it when you do that.' So Victoria did that thing with her teeth, gazing up at me with a cheeky smile, and unzipped my fly with those pearly whites, the train beginning to leave the station. Very soon my left ball had been sucked into her mouth, and I felt that sinister but sexy ache make me close my eyes like a rapper's delight. 'Oh yea girl, suck my balls for a bit,' I said, her tongue swerving about, ball to ball. Then she sucked my right one and teased me almost sadistically with her throbbing wet tongue; it was like she was suckin' on some easter egg or something, and from the intensity of it all a layer of sweat began to form on my forehead, like I was in a sauna or some shit. 'Fuck me Victoria, you do that good girl!' I said. 'Man that's some erotic shit.' It was unfortunate though that, just then, while I was receiving some serious ball sucking action, a loud couple of thumps emerged on the door followed by a hoarse, nauseously Norfolk voice. 'Oy!! What's going on in there?! I hear fucking in there, and fucking ain't permitted on this train!' 'Oh for bollock's sake,' I said, more in frustration at Victoria having released my right one from her mouth than the sound of the prick outside. 'Oh no,' whispered Victoria, wiping her mouth with her hand and looking deeply disconcerted, 'what are we gonna do Darren?' 'Darn, fuck, darn, you can't shag anywhere these days, can you? Mother fuckin' train policies.' 'Oy, I'm talking to you buddy. I'm the ticketman, and there shall be no fucking in that toilet, you hear me?! Dick munch.' 'There is no fucking going on in here Mr,' I said. 'I assure you, you have my word.' 'There's two people in there, ain't there?' 'Look, I'm having a quick wank alright. There's no one in here apart from myself and a Paul Raymond magazine.' 'There better not be anyone else in there buddy!' 'There's no one else, just me, and I'm just having a wank, now leave me be and let me finish the business, will ya?' 'Well you better hurry up you hear me. I'm not sure what the policy is on wanking here, but I'm pretty sure it's prohibited. So you finish up quick! And don't make a mess, you here me?!' 'Will do. Will pop one out in no time.' 'And you better have your ticket ready!' A bout of boredom hit me and Victoria as we waited impatiently for the cuntish ticketman to storm off, and when the arsehole finally did, Victoria and I were left standing there, me scratching the back of my head in awkwardness. 'Hmm, what now?' said Victoria, gazing up at me like a confused child, those puppy-like eyes widening, and those cheeks looking so soft and angelic. 'Right, I think a tit-wank and then we go back to our seats. What do you say?' 'Well how very romantic.' So I waited for my dearest to get her dainty little cardigan off, and then in no time at all I was sticking my hard joystick in-between those big wobbly breasts of hers and going back and forth in true tit-wank style. The feeling was so intense that a load of frothy white stuff began building up underneath my stretched back foreskin, simultaneously with a heated, passionate lust that made my heart beat profoundly and my skin exude sweat. 'Oh fucking Deidre Barlow FUCKING YES,' I uttered, Victoria pressing her tits closer together as I tossed away, my cock thrusting against them like a voltaic, fully functional pneumatic drill. I could see Victoria staring at my meat, her hand holding those breasts together as she anticipated the abundant spurts of cum that were going to soak them to the mother fuckin' bone. 'Oh fucking love them tities Victoria.' It was like doing it in her arse only without that moist, deep warmth. But this was equally as erotic, like a teenage boy's filthy fantasy: AND I WAS MAKING IT COME FUCKING TRUE FOR MY LONG LOST TEENAGE SELF! BOY WAS I MAKIN' IT COME TRUE! 'It's ... happening Victoria ... it's FUCKING HAPPENING!' I exclaimed as quietly as I could, the cum about to squirt from my cock with one massive fucking build-up. Then the ejaculation process commenced, and more cum came out of my cock than expected; it went all over them titties like a shaken up lemonade bottle, with Victoria seeming stunned with it as the testosterone-imbibed juice came out, flooding the surface of her skin in miniature puddles. 'Fuck that was intense,' I said, lifting my cock from those milkpumps and watching a line of cum unravel from my foreskin to Victoria's flesh like a piece of string and then bursting like a bubble. After that I tore some tissues from the toilet-roll holder and threw them on Victoria's tits. 'Will soak up like a sponge I reckon.' After rearranging ourselves, we headed back to our seats and looked forwards to getting the fuck out of Norwich city, I myself for good this time. And at that moment in time, I'd made a conscientious decision of never setting foot back in that shithole, with all contact with my mother and pals to be made solely via call, text, or email. No way was I going back to that massive, rancid colostomy bag. 'Wow Victoria, can't believe we're getting the fuck out of here. Will be a change, won't it,' I said, resting my head back against the seat. 'It definitely will,' said Victoria, gazing at me from hers, 'a positive change.' We were both sharing a profound, amorous sourire when I heard the ticketman approach me, the pungent, but quite lurid, scent of Lynx Africa wafting up my nostrils, and in a rather uncomfortable manner I turned to look at him and immediately noticed that stupid fucking ticket machine thingimagig attached to his chest. The arsehole, a fat bastard with a couple of tattoos trailing up his wrist, was gazing down at it, the many creases of his 2 or 3 chins faintly concealed by thick stubble, and he didn't bother to look at me; he just gazed down at his machine, waiting gormlessly for me and Victoria to hand him our tickets. 'Good wank was it?' he suddenly said to me, not looking at me as I handed him my ticket. Frowning a little in awkwardness, I glanced at him – he was still not looking at me – and started nodding. 'It was ... not bad, not bad at all,' I replied, smiling. The ticketman didn't bother saying anything else; he just collected the orange tinged objects, stamped them, and after handing them back fucked off to the next passengers with his portly frame. 'Funny chap he was, don't you think Victoria?' I said, glancing at her to my side. 'Haha, yes indeed,' she mumbled sleepily. 'Well that'll be the last Norwich cunt we see ... hopefully.' 6 'Oh fucking cunt,' I said, my fingers trembling as I ripped a diazepam tablet out of its foil. 'My eyeballs are going to explode from this fucking headache.' 'Look, you've taken a tablet, you'll be ok, don't worry,' said Victoria. She was sitting next to me in the small, shite-excuse-for-a-café that we'd checked into on the way back from Lincoln railway station. And after 5 tablets of good old val that I'd taken just to make the fucking journey more bearable, I felt in a bad fucking way, real fuckin' jittery and nauseous and shit. 'Don't worry? Don't worry? I'm not fucking worrying. I'm in a fucking bad way; but I'm not fucking worrying, you stupid brain-dead bint.' 'Darren, don't say that to me. I was just trying to help.' I could see those salty tears wanting to release themselves from Victoria's eyes, but I wasn't going to let them. 'Trying to help, what a load of fucking drivel that is. It's all your fault you bloody bimbo, nagging at me all the time. And now I've got a fucking bad head now.' I leaned back in my chair and washed the diazepam down with a swig of black coffee; I knew I shouldn't have taken another one, but of course I fucking did, just for the sake of it, like I always do. 'Arhhhh, fucking black coffee,' I said, grimacing at that bitter taste of that ghastly shit. 'Stupid fuckin' café don't even serve fuckin' lattes here. Cunts.' I looked over angrily at the waitress, who was serving some lesbian fucking bint of a woman, and clenched my fist; I wanted to hit that bitch violently in the face and then rub the nasty coffee shit into it. 'Oy, waitress!' I yelled, my eyes palpitating from the drugs. The woman turned to look at me, and I watched her cheeks droop down that sexy lil face of hers. 'Yea, you, why don't you serve lattes here? I demand a mother fuckin' latte, a mother fuckin' latte I tell ya.' 'Um, excuse me?' the woman said, lifting her coffee pot up from the customer's table. 'I said why don't you serve fuckin' lattes here lady??' The waitress looked flabbergasted with my enquiry, but definitely seemed the type of woman confident in standing her ground with nuisance twatface customers like myself. 'You didn't ask for a latte,' she replied, a tone of mockery in her voice. 'How dare you say that I didn't order a latte!' I said in outrage. 'I always order a latte you hear me?! Always!! That's my mother fuckin' drink girl.' As I sat there, staring aloofly at the waitress, Victoria began rubbing anxiously at her face and then proceeded to try to calm me down, even placing her hand lovingly in mine. 'Look, you need to calm down Darren, you're acting crazy,' she said, almost like I was a sectioned patient refusing to have his involuntary injection of risperidone jabbed right into his glutes. 'I ain't acting crazy Victoria, you are girl!' I said, yanking my hand away from hers and staring back at the waitress, who just stood there impatiently, wanting me to finish my rant and then to shut the fuck up. 'I want a latte, and I want a latte right mother fuckin' now you hear me,' I said, pointing repetitively at my thigh. I could tell that the woman didn't know what to do, and I imagined rather vividly what was going through her mind: 'Now should I get the cunt a latte, or should I kick the cunt out with my foot right up his arse. Hmm.' But I'd had enough of the place, and in a paroxysm of rage I heaved myself out of my chair and pointed at the waitress. 'You know what, fuck this place lady,' I said, before grabbing hold of my sportsbag by my foot and then Victoria's arm, pulling her up from her seat. 'Me and my woman are leaving this wanky excuse for a café. Come on, get your sexy lil arse the fuck up Victoria, we're going.' 'Darren, take it easy!' The waitress was still standing, and in the process of slagging me off with her customer, when I suddenly picked up my cup of coffee and in mega rage threw it forcefully at the opposite wall, just missing the bitch's face, the cup splattering all over the cream coloured wall with a bloody sound effect. Then a swift scream came from the waitress' gobsmacked mouth. 'That's right,' I said, budging Victoria towards the door. 'That's what I think of this place. To hell with it.' I took one last glance at the waitress, who was beginning to look angry and revengeful, and then I and Victoria descended out into the street, a build-up of froth seeping from the corners of my mouth. 'Mother fuckin' café!' I exclaimed. 'Mother fuckin' no-latte cunts!' Partially distressed, Victoria placed the palm of her hand on her forehead and shook her head. 'Oh Darren, why did you go and do that?' she said, nearly weeping as we headed off down the street. 'I did it for the sake of lattes Victoria,' I said. 'The sake of mother fuckin' lattes, I tell ya girl.'