14 comments/  35817 views/  9 favorites

Built Upon Sand

By: Moondrift



Prologue. From Out of the Past.

The waiter showed me to my table in the hotel dining room. I ordered a glass of wine and then scanned the menu. As I made my decision about what to order the wine arrived. I sat back casually surveying my fellow diners, weighing up the possibilities. They were mostly elderly couples bent on spending their retirement money before the Grim Reaper cried "Sans everything." 

I was in transit from the city to one of the areas where a very successful mining operation was underway to see that a construction of my design was being carried out according to plan. Having a few days in hand I had broken my journey at a beach resort. Perhaps I had chosen the wrong place or time of year to make the break because none of those in the hotel seemed to promise any interest or diversion for someone my age. 

I was about to take the first sip of wine when suddenly my attention became riveted.

Amrah! She was sitting several tables away from mine. I sat staring, at first unable to believe the evidence of my eyes. After five years and all my vain searching, there she was looking just as lovely as she had that morning when we had said what I thought was a temporary goodbye at the airport. 

After so many past disappointments in my hunt for her, at first I did not dare to believe it was her. I told myself that she was someone who looked like Amrah, but no; the dark complexion that looked like a sun tan, but as I came to know was her natural skin colour; the long raven black hair; the nose that was slightly longer than was fashionable in Australia; the more I stared the more I became convinced it was Amrah. 

Her eyes that I had once found so captivating were turned away from me as she spoke to a small child sitting opposite her, so I couldn't see their intense blackness that I remembered so well. Her whole appearance was that of someone of Middle Eastern origin, and now, staring at her, in every fibre of my being I knew it must be her. 

I felt the blood draining from my face and there was a buzzing noise in my head, and for a moment the world seemed to become unsteady..

"Are you ready to order sir?"

The waiter stood ready, and distractedly I managed to give my order. 

For years I had sought her both in anger because she had deceived me – made a fool of me – and in love for her, the only woman I believed I had ever truly loved. Now here she was by pure chance, and I sat paralysed, unable to make a move.

Chapter 1.A Painful Memory.

As I sat there the memory of how we first met and what followed from that meeting began to play in my head like a reel of film.

I had completed my undergraduate degree in engineering, and was in the process of working for my doctorate, when I decided to give myself a break for a couple of weeks. The place I chose was a seaside town favoured mostly by well off sun seekers; not that I was well off, my accommodation being in a motel that was about the most economical it was possible to get in the town, and also some distance from the beach.

I had been there for almost a week when I met her. I was strolling along the beach one morning after taking a swim, when I came upon a woman struggling to erect a sun lounger under a beach umbrella. She was dressed – or undressed depending on your perspective - in only a brief bikini and she had a superb figure and had what at first I took to be a rich golden sun tanned complexion.

I approached her and asked, "Can I help you?" 

She looked up at me with brilliant dark eyes, smiled and said, "I know it is supposed to be easy, but I just cannot get this thing to stand up." As I was later to learn, one reason why she could not cope with the lounger was that she had never had to put one up for herself. She came from a world in which servants performed such menial tasks for her.

Her voice was soft and low, and although her English was nigh on perfect, it was slightly accented and a little too precise for it to be her native language.

I don't wish to be overly romantic but I have to say that for me it was love at first sight; or perhaps more accurately it was lust at first sight, a lust that later became love. I thought I had never seen such a beautiful woman before, and when I had settled the lounger for her and she stretched out on it, the sight of her long elegant legs and the swell of her breasts under the scanty bikini top brought on an embarrassing erection that I had no way of hiding.

I noticed that she was looking at me intently, as if examining me in minute detail, and not bothering to hide her appraisal. I, having completed the task, was about to move on when she asked, "Do you live here or are you on holiday?"

"I'm just staying for a couple of weeks."

"Are you on your own?" 

"Yes, I'm just giving myself a break from studies."

"Ah, and what are you studying?"

"Engineering."

"Yes, a difficult subject, is it not?"

"It is rather."

"I too am on my own; won't you join me for a while?"

I caught the flash of an engagement ring that had the biggest diamond I had ever seen surrounded by what looked like sapphires. Along with it was a thick gold wedding ring.

My immediate thought was, "If I was married to her I wouldn't let her out of my sight," but I said, "If you'd like me to."

She gave a throaty musical laugh and said, "I can promise you I would not have asked you if I did not want you to join me."

Blessing my luck I sat beside her on a striped beach towel, wondering why she had invited me and why she was on her own.

"Your husband isn't with you?" I asked.

She glanced down at her rings, smiled and said, "Yes, these do betray my marital status, do they not. No, my husband is not with me, I too am having a break, but not from studies, but it can get lonely, do you not find it so?"

"I suppose I don't mind being on my own at times," I replied.

"And this is one of those times, yet you sit with me?"

She had me stumped. What could I reply; that I found her so attractive that I couldn't resist her invitation? That the mere sight of her had given me an erection that she must have noticed since my shorts were no adequate concealment?

Trying to sound casual I replied, "It would have been rude to refuse your invitation."

"Ah, so, you sit with me merely to be polite. Polite is not honest; it is better that you be rude and say; 'No I do not want to sit with you.' Too many people are polite; I am surrounded by polite people who are only polite because they are paid to be. I do not pay you, so you do not need to be polite; be rude and go away."

Her bluntness shook me and I struggled to make a reply, finally saying, "I promise you I'm not just being polite, I thought you looked...looked... interesting and..."

"So, I am 'interesting'. I think you are still being polite – untruthful – and it is better you say, 'You are a very attractive woman, I am young, and therefore I wish to sit with you.' That is the truth, is it not?"

"Yes."

"And you do not wish to go away from me?"

"No."

"Good, then let it be so, and let us not be polite. Let us speak only what is in our hearts to say."

"Yes...yes of course."

"I am not going to be polite to you, so I tell you, I thought, 'This is a very handsome young man, he is kind and helpful, and I perceive that he finds me attractive, so I wish him to sit with me'. Does that give you pleasure?"

Again taken aback by her directness I replied, "Er...yes...yes...it does."

"Then let us see what more pleasure we can give each other."

"What did you have in mind?"

"While you enjoy looking at my face and body, you will tell me about your engineering. Why are you to be an engineer and what sort of an engineer. You see, I know that there are many sorts of engineers."

I spent the next fifteen minutes explaining why I had decided to be an engineer, and what branch of engineering I was specialising in. 

When I finished she said thoughtfully, "Yes, it is good to have a profession, I sometimes wish I had one."

"You could always study to become a professional," I said.

"No, you see, if I did I would know more about something than my husband and he would not like that; he is a very proud man."

"And a bloody lucky one," I thought, mentally adding "and rich by the look of those rings," 

I said, "And you're here alone?"

"Yes, does that surprise you...yes, of course it does; many people wonder about that, especially men. But you see, my husband, he is always so busy he lets me have these times away from him; do you think that strange?"

I didn't know how to respond to that. I could hardly say, "If I was your husband I don't think I'd ever be out of your bed, let alone let you go off on your own." 

As I paused trying to decide what to say she went on, "I must introduce myself; my name is Amrah Mustafic. Now you must tell me your name."

"Oh...er...I'm Anthony Essex...er...Tony."

"Tony...Tony," she spoke my name to sound like "Toony." "Yes, Tony, I like that name, but Essex, that is a place in England, is it not?" 

"Yes, a county."

"And my name, do you like it?"

"Amrah; yes it's very beautiful."

"There, we like each others' names and we like to look at each other, you see how already we enjoy each other's company. But I have seen that you have been trying not to look at me while I have been quite openly looking at you." 

"I thought you might not like me to stare at you."

"Now you see," she admonished, "you are being polite again and did we not agree we would not be polite with each other."

"Yes, but you see..."

"No...no, Tony Essex, it pleases me to look at you, so if it pleases you to look at me, then why do you not look?"

Again I was stumped for an answer. It was the most strange and forthright conversation I had ever had with anyone, especially a woman. As I struggled for words she once more came to my rescue.

"The day has grown hot Tony, let us go to my hotel and we can have a drink and talk some more until we can think of something further we can do – you would like that I think."

"Yes, Mrs. Mustafic, if you have the..."

"Mrs. Mustafic! You tell me you find my name beautiful and you do not speak it!"

"Sorry...er...Amrah."

"There...my name sounds beautiful on your lips. Names are like that; they can be beautiful or ugly according to the way they are spoken, do you not think?"

"Your name would always sound beautiful, Amrah, however it was spoken." 

She looked thoughtful for a moment, sighed and said, "Not always, Tony, but it is enough now that you make it sound beautiful. Come, let us go and have that drink."

"Where are you staying?"

"At the Imperial Hotel."

The Imperial was the most expensive hotel in the place, so I protested, "I'm not dressed properly for the Imperial." That, I confess, was only an excuse. I was on a tight budget in those days and I knew the prices at the Imperial were astronomic. My thought was, "This woman might expect me to buy her drinks, even a meal, and I'd be broke before I knew it."

She laughed and said, "I have my beach coat with me, but see, I will not wear it. We will go to the hotel as we are and be served on the terrace. The women will look at you and desire to take you to their bed, and the men will look at me and desire to take me to their bed." Then as if divining my thoughts she went on, "It will please me to buy you a drink for your kindness in...what is the word...reconstructing my chair. That will give us both pleasure, will it not?"

I decided not to correct her use of the word, "reconstructing" and said, "Yes, I suppose it will."

"Do not suppose, Tony Essex, let us go and enjoy our time together."

Somewhat uncomfortably I went with her to the hotel. Its terrace was almost on the beach; in fact it simply flowed into the beach. As soon as we had sat down at one of the tables a white coated waiter came hurrying over.

"Can I get you something madam?" he asked with that odd mixture of hauteur and obsequiousness that waiters often affect. 

"Yes, we will both have the special drink I instructed the barman how to prepare when I arrived, and put it onto my account."

"Yes, madam." He scuttled off at a near run. 

"You see what it means to be rich Tony? Everyone is polite, but they are not honest. My husband thinks that everyone loves him; the servants, waiters; his accountant and solicitor...everyone, but I know they do not. Let him lose his money and then he would see how they hate him for making them humiliate themselves in his presence."

"But you, Amrah, you must love him."

For a moment she seemed to go into herself, lost in thought. When she spoke again it was in a measured tone.

"You surely understand Tony, it is possible to buy beauty and obedience, but you cannot buy love."

"Yes, I understand that, but..."

"It is better we do not speak of my husband, Tony, it will spoil the day for us, and together we can have a lovely day, do you not think?"

"You mean you want me to spend the day with you?"

"But certainly Tony Essex. From the moment I met you I said to myself, 'I would like to spend the day with that young man'." She looked at me closely and went on, "and do not pretend you do not want to spend the day with me."

The drinks arrived in long glasses containing an amber coloured liquid. When I tried it I found it delicious, but I could not relate it to anything I had ever tasted before.

"What is it," I asked.

Amrah laughed and said, "Ah, that is my secret recipe and non-alcoholic, but it has no name, so let us give it one. How about Amrah's...what is the word...concoction?"

"Yes," I replied, "concoction; I name this drink Amrah's Concoction'."

"You like Amrah's Concoction?"

"Yes."

"More than you like Amrah?"

I had begun to get used to her way of turning things around by then, so I said, "I didn't say that."

"You speak with two tongues, Tony Essex. Which do you like most, Amrah or her concoction?"

I played her own game and replied, "How could I like the concoction more than its creator?" I thought I'd answered rather cleverly.

She looked at me long and hard, then said, "If you like the creator more than the creation, then you would wish to come with her to her suite and fuck her?"

I was staggered by the bluntness of her suggestion, and not least because she could have chosen almost any man to join her in her room, and also because, despite her candour in making the invitation, I had not expected so slang a word as "fuck," from her. 

There was a long pause between us. It was broken when Amrah said, "Tony, I think I have shocked you, but you must understand that from the first moment I saw you I thought I would like you to fuck me. I could see that you wanted to fuck me, as many men have wanted to, but it is you I desire. Will you not do as I wish?"

"But Amrah, your husband...? 

"One day I may tell you of him, but as I have said, it is better you do not know of him now. If you truly desire me, then come with me to my suite."

"Amrah, I..."

"Come, I have chosen you from among the many, will you not forget politeness and fuck me?"

"Yes...yes, I'll...er...come to your suite."

"You do not sound very enthusiastic Tony; do you not like my body?"

"Yes...yes...it's beautiful, but I'm not used to...well you see it's usually the man who..."

"Asks the woman? Yes I know there is a form to these things, but that is only politeness, a game, and I do not wish to play games with you so I ask frankly; will you fuck me?"

Yes...yes."

"Good, then we will carry our drinks to my suite and you shall enjoy my body and I shall enjoy yours."

Bewildered and somewhat apprehensive I went with her. What did this woman really want? Was she in fact a high class prostitute who, once I had copulated with her, would demand payment, and if failed to pay, scream rape? Yet she had already indicated she understood my financial position, or had that been the bait that hooked the client?

Had she been less attractive and I had been stronger and less worked up over her, I might have refused her blatant offer, but I admit I was both mystified and fascinated by her. Her very forthrightness in word and now apparently deed, had me captivated. In a little over an hour she had cast her spell, and I was ensnared.

We took the lift to the top floor and entered her suite. I had heard of luxury hotel suites, but this was the first time I had ever entered one. It made my one room in the motel seem like a dilapidated ruin of no historic charm.

Amrah wasted no time. She said, "Come, we shall use the bedroom," and led me into a room whose primary décor was white. I just managed to take in the magnificent view from the huge window before Amrah, standing before me, removed the top of her bikini.

"You like my breasts?" she asked without any sign of bashfulness.

They were all that the bikini top had promised, full and firm with long nipples that seemed to be light brown and pinkish at the same time. Her complexion that I had thought to be sun tanned now, with her breasts exposed, I saw to be her true colour, her skin having a golden glow to it.

"They're gorgeous," I said in a stifled voice, " really lovely." 

She proceeded to take off her bikini bottoms and once more stood, as if expecting me to examine her. I noticed that her genitals lacked pubic hair, and the furrow of her pudendum was clearly visible and firmly cleft.

She seemed to have the knack of reading my thoughts because she asked, "You do not mind that my pubic hair has been removed?"

"No...no...not at all."

"My husband insisted and since he is the only man to have seen me as you now see me, I do not really know what other men like in that regard."

That really did astound me, and my words were out before I had given myself time to think.

"You mean, there haven't been any other men?" 

Her face took on a look that seemed to be somewhere between anger and disappointment. She did not raise her voice but its intensity was made all the more effective for its quietness. 

"So that is how you think of me; that I am a slut...a whore who gives herself to any man. Because I am honest with you and tell you what I want you have contempt for me. Perhaps you will be offering me money when you have finished."

"No...no, Amrah, it's just that I'm not used to your frankness, your forthrightness. I don't understand; you could have any man you wanted, so why me, I'm nothing special?"

"Oh but you are special Tony Essex, very special. Now I cannot tell you why you are special but one day I might be able to. But, if you think me a...what is the word...trollop... and that I have many men, then go now, for I would not give myself to a man who despises me."

"God, I'm sorry Amrah, but you're so beautiful and there must have been men who have wanted to..."

"Of course there have, but I have learned how to deter them. Apart from my husband there has been no one until this day, and as I have said, I cannot tell you why now, but one day perhaps I shall. But if you find me cheap and..."

"No Amrah; I don't understand why you want me; I'm bewildered by your openness, but I don't think you're cheap."

She stood staring at me for a moment as if trying to read the sincerity of my words, then as if to affirm her frankness she said, "I stand before you naked, but you have not removed your shorts and shirt, and you have not touched me."

She came close and began to take off my shirt. That I took to mean I had been forgiven.

When I was naked she stepped back and looked at me.

"Yes, you are beautiful Tony Essex, I shall enjoy having your penis in my vagina. You must put much seed into me. I am ready for you and I see you are ready for me. We should not play this time; that can come later; we should enjoy ourselves quickly this time."

She was right about my being ready, and as much as I longed to "play" with her, I knew if we did I might ejaculate long before I ever got my penis into her vagina.


Built Upon Sand



She spread herself on the massive bed, her legs wide apart and drawn up to expose her sex organ to me and said in a muffled voice, "Do it to me now, Tony."

I delayed penetrating her just long enough to kiss her. Her tongue probed my mouth, exploring its recesses and I pressed the head of my penis against her vaginal opening. 

"Come into me," she murmured.

I slipped into her warm moist depths and felt the wall of her vagina gripping my length and sucking me into her. 

My experience with other women had indicated that the male needs to hold back his orgasm until the woman is ready to experience hers. With Amrah it was different. Close as I was to ejaculating she was ahead of me.

She began with soft slightly weepy cries that gradually increased in volume until she cried out, "Oh yes...yes...now...put your seed into me...now."

I released what I had been struggling to hold back. Sperm pumped up my shaft and burst into her. She gave a long drawn out howl of mixed agony and pleasure. Her legs were wrapped round my waist, her fingers digging into my back, and as she passed her climax she whimpered something in a language I did not understand.

I make no secret of the fact that my previous sexual relationships had been ones of convenience. They had been a pleasant way of relieving sexual tension. Now, as I lay with my penis still in Amrah's vagina, I knew there had been something different – very different – in this experience with her. 

At that time I could not define what that difference had been, that understanding came later. All I knew then was that she had stirred something deep in me, something that had been, shall I say, sleeping in me.

It was stirred still further when Amrah said, "You will stay with me for the rest of today and tonight, Tony?"

"Yes, but my clothes, my things, I've only got my shorts and shirt and..."

"Do you stay very far from here?" she asked. 

"Well, I'm staying at the Sea Breeze Motel, not that there's much sea breeze there."

"Then I think you should go and get your things and you can stay here." 

"But I can't afford..."

"Why are you so foolish Tony," she sighed, "do you wish me to become angry with you? You stay with me, in my suite."

She laughed softly, "You see, it is you who is the whore; I am buying you." She laughed again and went on, "I only joke with you, but then, I am not foolish, I know that you cannot afford to pay what they charge here, so if I want you with me I must pay. That does not offend you?"

I laughed in my turn and replied, "In other circumstances yes, I might be offended, but since this is the only chance I'm likely to have to spend time in a place like this, I choose not to be offended."

Amrah looked at with that mixture of anger and pain again.

"You wish to stay here for the sake of this place, and not for me?"

"No, Amrah, I did not mean that," I said emphatically. I would stay with you even if you decided to come to my poor accommodation. Like you I was only joking."

"Ah, I see. Sometimes I cannot always understand when someone is joking, will you always tell me when you are joking in future?"

I felt there was something deeply touching in her words; the problem of being in a culture in which you have not been brought up can make if difficult to understand when someone is being humorous. That must especially apply to the Australian brand of humour that is often edged with a touch of cynicism, and frequently means the opposite of what the plain words mean; like, "You're an ugly girl," meaning "I think you're very attractive."

In reply to her question I said, "Yes, I'll tell you when I'm joking."

"I do not want you to be gone away a long time from me, Tony, so I will drive you to your motel. I shall get dressed."

While I got back into my shorts and shirt Amrah put on a dress that no doubt was meant to be casual, but looked as if it was some expensive Paris creation. 

The car in which we drove to the motel was a dark green Porsche that was as luxurious as her hotel suite.

Although it had not been explicitly spelt out up to that moment, all the indications were that I would be spending the rest of my holiday with Amrah. It was made unambiguous when we pulled up at the motel.

"You will stay with me for the rest of your time here?" she asked.

"If you're sure you want me to," I answered, "but suppose we don't get on?"

"'Get on,' what is get on?"

"I mean, suppose you find that you don't like me..."

"Ah, or you do not like me? Do not worry, Tony, we shall...get on; I shall make sure we do. So tell them you will no longer require your room."

"Yes madam," I replied, adding hastily, "That was a joke."

"Yes, I thought it was. That is what the servants call me, ma'am or madam. I believe that 'madam' has certain connotations not altogether agreeable, is that not so?"

"Yes; I'll make sure I never call you madam in future."

I went to collect my things and when I went to cancel my booking there was wild protestations from the manager who pointed out forcibly that I had booked for a fortnight so I could pay for a fortnight. When he calmed down we settled on my paying for only a portion of the time I would not be using the room.

I loaded my gear into the boot of the car and we drove back to the Imperial and headed straight for the bedroom.

It is not my intention to go into details about our activities. Let it be sufficient to say that we spent the rest of the day and night in bed, apart from when Amrah ordered meals to be brought to her suite. 

In the process of exploring each other I found everything about her – her taste and smell, the warmth of her skin and the delicate perfume of her hair, everything about her, alluring.

When, as is the way of things, I could not get an erection for a while, Amrah asked, "You will do nice things to me, won't you?" So I did nice things to her until my testes were replenished and my manhood restored. 

That which had stirred in me after the first coupling continued to both excite and puzzle me. For all our athletic explorations there was one thing that Amrah insisted on, that my sperm always ended up in her vagina. I would have thought that when her vagina was brimming over with sperm she might wish it to be discharged in another place, but she would not have it so.

We always ate in her suite, and the only times we left it were to go for a swim or a walk along the beach, but always we ended up returning to the suite and bed. Amrah was insatiable, and I must admit I was not far behind her. 

It was in the middle of the week I spent with Amrah that I came to recognise what had happened to me. I was in love with her; call it infatuation if you wish, but it was a feeling I had not experienced with any other woman. I felt that in her I had found the love of my life and began to dread the end of the week when I had to fly back to the city and we might never see each other again.

Perhaps ridiculously I even tried a pathetic test of the love I was experiencing. I had been in the habit of telling the girls and women I had copulated with that I loved them, but always that had been before the deed. Afterwards love seemed to wane. With Amrah I waited until I, and even she, was sated. As we lay recovering from a long series of couplings I kissed her and said, "I love you Amrah; I never want to be parted from you."

She looked at me with those dark penetrating eyes, then she sighed and burying her face against my shoulder she said in a muffled voice, "I do not wish to be parted from you, Tony, I feel a great love for you, but what can we do?"

It was then I began what I can only call a "campaign." I made constant pleas for her to leave her husband and come to me. 

Amrah had said virtually nothing about her husband, but as I besieged her with my pleas for her to come to me she said, "My husband is rich and powerful, he knows people who will do anything for money; he is proud and is capable of doing much harm to you, perhaps even to me."

I dismissed her warnings, saying ridiculous things like, "We'll go away where no one will find us." Amrah went on to point out that I might ruin my career, and she was right, and add to that the fact that I could only just maintain myself financially as it was, and could certainly never give Amrah the lifestyle she was used to, and you can see how foolish I was being. The problem was I was so completely besotted with her that I could not see it at the time.

Towards the end of our time together Amrah finally relented. She was returning to the city a couple of days after I left, and the day after her arrival she would come to my flat where, she said, "We shall talk further."

I had to rest content with that; after all, it did mean I should see her again.

I asked her how I could contact her in case anything went wrong, but she said, "It is better you do not know my address and telephone number, I shall be there to join you."

Chapter 2.A Long Search.

At the end of the week she drove me to the airport. We kissed and as I parted from her I said, "In three days time then."

"Yes," she replied, "in three days."

That was the last I saw of her until unexpectedly seeing her in the hotel dining room after five years.

On that third day after arriving back at my flat I had waited impatiently. I sat up until after midnight, and when I did finally go to bed I couldn't sleep. Every sound had me alert; I told myself there had been some sort of hitch; she had been driving back to the city and the car had broken down or there had been an accident; or there had been a problem with her husband and she could not get away immediately.

On the fourth day I telephoned every hospital in the city and even regional hospitals to find out if she was injured, but none of them knew of Amrah Mustafic.

I hunted through the telephone directory and found only one Mustafic, and certain it had to be her number I took the risk and telephoned, only to be disappointed; there was no Amrah living there.

I followed that up by combing through every city and regional telephone directory across the country and finding only a few Mustafics I rang them all and did indeed find one Amrah, but she was a lady in her seventies.

For several days I kept telling myself that she would turn up, but she never did. I was so distraught that I had to speak with someone, and the only person, the only one I had ever fully confided in, was my mother. I went to her and told her about Amrah.

When I had poured it all out and was close to tears, mother sat silent for a long while. When she did speak her voice was very quiet and solemn.

"Tony, you have experienced a great love, and that is something that does not happen to everyone. Such a love is often both glorious and painful, and it is especially so for you; she is a married woman and that makes it difficult and distressing. 

"I don't know Amrah or what her reason was for acting as she did. She may well have meant it when she said she returned your love and intended to come to you, but - and I don't mean to be harsh – she may have been a rich woman amusing herself. You may have to face the possibility that she deliberately deceived you. There are so many things that could have been going on, but one thing seems clear, she is not going to come to you."

Mother had a way of throwing old clichés in her conversations, and she did so now.

"Darling, you have experienced a great love, so remember, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

The trouble with clichés is, that for all the derision that is heaped upon them, they carry a kernel of truth.

Mother continued, "I know you will not be able to understand now, but in time you will treasure the memory of the love you felt for this woman, and the pain will diminish." 

In my heart I knew mother was right about Amrah never coming to me, but just then I would not and could not face it. I continued my search for her, hunting through electoral rolls, even telephoning the Imperial, "Yes," I was told, "we did have Mrs. Amrah Mustafic staying here, but we are not at liberty to give out her address."

I seemed to have run out of possibilities, but for two years I looked for her everywhere I went; in the streets, shops, on trips and one day I came upon a green Porsche and I stood waiting for the owner to arrive. After an hour a middle aged couple turned up and drove away. 

My studies began to suffer and for a while my doctorate was in danger of being lost. Then towards the end of the two years I finally surrendered to the truth of the situation and got back on track with my work.

Now, here she was, and at first I could do nothing. My food arrived but my stomach was in knots as I continued to stare at her and as she talked to the child and helped her with her food. I could barely eat a thing.

Chapter 2.Confrontation.

I saw her and the child preparing to leave the dining room. They stood up and their way out meant they had to pass my table. As they approached I pulled myself together, rose and stood looking at them. 

Amrah glanced at me, and then stood stock-still. Her eyes were riveted on me and for a few moments neither of us said anything and I could see her starting to tremble, and then she gasped, "Tony Essex!"

The words seemed to be yanked out of me; "Yes, Tony Essex, where the hell have you been?" Even in my anger the words sounded futile.

I had spoken fiercely and the child gave a little whimper and clung to Amrah, and the diners around us looked up, startled by my vehemence.

"Please, Tony," Amrah said in a quavering voice, "you are frightening the little one."

"Don't you think I deserve some sort of explanation," I snapped, but in a lower voice.

"Yes...yes...but not here, please."

"Where then?"

"Come to my suite at...at eight o'clock, the little one will be in bed by then."

I couldn't resist a sarcastic response; "I remember, you invited me to your suite once before."

"Yes...be angry with me, but not here. I am in suite number 25, come there at eight."

"Oh, so you haven't got a penthouse suite this time. What's the matter, your husband gone broke or isn't he as generous with you as he used to be?" I jeered. 

"I'm going now, Tony, if you need to give me pain than let it be in private."

She started to move off, and I called after her, "Are you sure you'll be there or will you run away?"

She did not reply, and as they walked away the little girl kept looking back at me apprehensively and I noticed she had the same brilliant black eyes as Amrah.

It was seven fifteen and like Amrah I was trembling, and those forty five minutes seemed to drag endlessly. I went to the bar and tried to steady myself with a couple of double whiskeys, but alcohol being treacherous in that respect they seemed to have no noticeable effect.

At two minutes to eight I went to her suite, half expecting that she had indeed fled, but she answered my knock. Her face looked drawn and anxious and there was a look of apprehension in her eyes. Without a word she indicated that I should enter and then signed for me to sit. It was then she spoke.

"The little one is asleep and I do not want her woken or frightened. You will want to say harsh things to me, but would you say them quietly?" 

The forthrightness was still there, but I got the impression that some of the self-assurance was missing.

"What is it you want to say to me?" she asked.

"Do I need to say it...ask it?"

"No, you want to ask why I did not come to you, do you not?"

"Exactly."

"It is hard for me to explain, but you think I deceived you...lied to you."

"Yes."

"I did lie. I lied and I deceived. You see, I am a wicked woman...perhaps you would say evil."

"I'll make up my mind about that when you've explained. I searched everywhere for you, but it was as if you'd vanished."

"Yes, one of my first lies was about my name. It is Amrah, but not Mustafic."

"So that was why...why did you give a false name?"

"Are you sure you want to know?"

"Yes, I'm very sure, especially after all the misery you put me through; so tell me."

"The reason is obvious; I did not want you or anyone to be able to find me."

"Your right, that it's obvious, but...but why...I mean why me or anyone?"

"I was looking for you Tony."

"Looking for me! What the hell does that mean, you're not making any sense; I'd given you my address and telephone and mobile numbers, so why...?"

"No...no...let me finish. I was looking for a particular man during that holiday."

"What sort of particular man," I asked with a heavy edge of sarcasm, "someone you could have a 'fuck' with, as you called it; rich lady let off the leash and looking out for a bit on the side, was that it?"

She seemed to stiffen and snapped back, "No, it wasn't like that, you are desecrating what we had together."

"What we had...my God, I'm desecrating...what the hell do you think you did?"

"It wasn't like..."

"You said that before, so go on then, tell me what it was like," I sneered.

"It had to be a special man, and you were the one."

"Why, what was so 'special' about me?"

"You had the right colouring...your hair...eyes...your physique...it was what I needed."

"I was so special you made a fool of me...left me searching for you for years. God help me, I wish I hadn't been special. All that talk of love, it was bullshit...you bloody well..."

"Do not swear Tony, it does not...er...become you."

"Don't tell me how to express myself, I think I'm entitled...anyway what about you using the word 'fuck', that's about as crude as it gets."

"Is that bad? That is the word my husband always used when he wanted to..."

"No doubt he does, and anyway, come to think of it, "fuck" was probably the right word for you to use. I thought I was making love with you...or I did in the end."

"Don't you understand Tony, what I did was because I loved you."

"Love!" I exploded. "If what you did to me was love, what the hell would you be capable of if you'd hated me?"

Amrah suddenly seemed to come to a decision. She sat up very straight and looked deep into my eyes. 

"All right, Tony, I see you are full of anger and bitterness, so I will tell you."

She paused for so long I said, "So tell me, for God's sake, I've waited five years to know."

Once she started to speak her voice had steadied but she spoke so quietly I had to strain at times to hear her.

"I told you that my husband is a very proud man, did I not."

"Yes...yes...just get to the point."

"That is the point, Tony." Do you wish me to continue?"

"Yes, get on with it."

"Then do not interrupt me. It is hard for me, so be patent."

I thought I'd every right to be impatient but curious to hear what I suspected would be a pack of lies, or at least half truths, I held my tongue.

"My husband is a very proud man, and one thing he wanted of me...sometimes I thought the only thing, was for me to give him a son. When I failed to do so he took it almost as a personal insult, as if I was deliberately thwarting his wishes. I knew how ruthless he could be and that he would not hesitate to get rid of me if and when it suited him; that is his way with people who do not do as he wishes."

"What has this got to do with...?" I started to say.

"No, please listen to me Tony."

"All right."

"You see I did not fail to bear a child because there was anything wrong with me. Tests had shown I was quite capable of doing so."

"Then it must have been...."

"Yes, my husband; but his pride would never allow him to admit there was anything wrong with him. I knew I would never succeed in becoming pregnant with him, and so..."

"You chose someone who more or less matched him in colouring and looks and I was the idiot. I was just a sperm bank as far as you were concerned. Why didn't you go on one of those programmes, IVF or whatever it's called, good God you've got the money?"




Built Upon Sand



"For the reason I have already given, my husband's pride. Nothing was allowed to indicate that there was something wrong with him."

I sat trying to digest this information while Amrah went on.

"I set out to try and give him what he wanted, even if I had to do it by deception and lying. That means I must be an evil woman, but...try to understand..."

She stopped speaking for a few moments. She was still looking at me intently, as if measuring my reaction to her words. I thought I saw tears in her eyes as she picked up the thread again. 

"I want to be fair about my husband. He gave me much, perhaps too much. It was good to be the wife of a rich man, and he let me do much as I wished for as long as he could hope to have a son with me. I had grown used to living that life and the thought of losing it all drove me to despair until I thought of my plan."

"The plan that included me, the sperm bank?"

"Yes, if you must speak of it like that. If I became pregnant with someone who nearly resembled my husband then he would not suspect that the child was not his."

"And did we succeed?" I asked bitterly.

"Yes, we did, we succeeded, but it was success of the wrong sort."

"How wrong? He was getting what he wanted and so were you. I was only the bunny who fell for it and lost out." 

"'Bunny'...what is bunny?"

"Idiot, fool, half wit, moron."

"No, he did not get what he wanted, and in the end neither did I. Perhaps it was punishment for my lies and deception."

"But for God's sake, Amrah, you gave him a child, even if it wasn't his, surely..."

"Are you really such a...a bunny, Tony. You saw her, a girl, and that was a bitter disappointment to him."

"So what happened?"

"At first he said that if he could impregnate me once he could do it again and next time it would be a boy."

"No guarantee of that," I said.

"No, but in any case I knew he could not impregnate me." 

"Then why didn't you play the same game again, it should have come easier the second time, like murder."

Now the tears really did begin to flow, but I was determined not to be moved by them. 

"Do you think after what happened between us, the pain that we gave each other, I could do the same thing again; after all that hurt and deception?"

"So I fell in love with you, surely that shouldn't bother someone whose aim was simply to hang on to a rich husband."

"That is a most hurtful for you to say, Tony, and it is even more hurtful because it is true. But I do not lie when I say I fell in love with you. I did not mean it to be so when we started. I thought, 'This young man will enjoy my body and I will enjoy his,' what I did not expect was that you would fall in love with me and me with you. That was a disaster Tony, and when I said goodbye to you at the airport my heart was breaking, but I loved you so much I had to let you go." 

"Why...why did you have to let me go, because of the money?"

"Yes, I have already admitted that, do not shame me further. But it was not only the money. You had your life...your career...before my coming into your life...and I might have damaged, even destroyed that."

"But I..."

"No, I shall soon be finished Tony, hear me."

I shut up.

"I told you that my husband is rich and powerful; he has many people whom he calls 'friends' who would do whatever he asked if he paid them enough. If he knew I had deceived him with you and gone to be with you, he would never have given up searching for us, and when he found us who knows what he would have done."

She stopped speaking as if she had ended her story. I wasn't sure how much of it to believe, and in any case I didn't think it was complete.

"So you had a daughter and failed to produce a son, so what happened."

She managed the pale shadow of a laugh.

"You yourself remarked that this is not a penthouse suite, and as you can also see, this is not the Imperial Hotel."

She interrupted herself for a moment and asked, "Are you staying in this hotel?"

"Yes."

"Then I see you are richer than when we first met, and I am poorer."

Even I managed a laugh at that. "I'm certainly not rich but at least I'm earning a decent salary."

"And I am not really poor, but I am poorer than I once was," she said.

"Are you going to finish the story and tell me what happened?"

"Is it not clear Tony? When he saw I could not give him the son he desired, - I use his words – he 'paid me off'."

I seemed to have the habit of just blurting things out without thinking when with Amrah, and it happened now. I said, "You're beauty couldn't hold him?"

"So despite all my evil you still think me beautiful Tony? You say to yourself, 'If she was mine I would never let her go.' That is a most lovely thought."

"Well I..."

"Did I not say to you once that you can buy beauty and obedience but you cannot buy love?"

"Yes....yes you did."

"You think me beautiful, but I am not the only beautiful woman in the world. There are many women more beautiful than I; you see I am not completely vain. My husband – or my husband who was – can buy himself another beautiful woman; one he hopes will give him the son he wants. That is very sad, is it not, for he will never have the son he so much desires, whichever woman he has?"

"You say love cannot be bought, but did you never love him?"

"Perhaps to begin with, but I often wonder if it was only gratitude for the gifts he showered upon me. That was a thought that first came to me when I fell in love with you, Tony."

I was feeling a trifle softened and more inclined to believe her, but her mention of "love" again in relation to me brought a knee jerk reaction.

"Don't talk about loving me, Amrah, it hurts too much; it's too hypocritical."

She struck back; not viciously or noisily, but very quietly. "Perhaps your hurt is punishment for agreeing to fu...what did you call it?"

"Make love," I growled.

"Yes, make love with a woman you knew to be married."

"But you asked me to..."

"Yes, I have confessed all that Tony, but would you want me to bear all the blame. Surely you can carry a little of it for me, even if only for the sake of the love you once had for me?" 

I felt ashamed. I had seen it only from the side of my pain and loss, never considering that I might share in the blame and guilt.

Suddenly a sensation like an electric shock seemed to jolt my brain. I had been so focused on myself and Amrah's story there was one aspect the full implication of which I had not given a thought to.

"The little girl, she's mine...ours, isn't she?" 

"Yes Tony, she is ours. She is the one consolation that has come from this sad business."

"And if I hadn't met you tonight, by pure chance, I would never have known."

She paused for a long time before saying, "Perhaps it was not pure chance, or perhaps it was, but you are right, I would never have sought you out to tell you of her existence."

"But why?"

"I thought that you would be so angry with my lies and deception you would not want to know, but now, when we have met and you have seen..." She shrugged and looked away.

"Of course I would have wanted to know about her."

"Why would you want to know?"

"Isn't that obvious?"

"No Tony, it is not obvious so you must tell me."

"Well...er...she's my daughter as well as yours."

"That is true, Tony, but many men do not want to know of the children they have made."

"Well, I'm not one of them."

"Is it that you wish to know your daughter?"

"Yes, of course it is."

"Then it must be done slowly and carefully, and you will not swear and shout in her presence so that you frighten her; you frightened her in the restaurant."

"Yes, I'm sorry, I really am."

"You are staying long here?"

"Five days...well, only four now."

"We shall be here for two weeks and then we return to the city. If it is your wish then tomorrow we shall walk together, the three of us, but you must be very gentle with her, she has already seen too much anger."

"Your husband?"

"Yes, he is always angry when he does not get his own way. But you have not asked her name." 

"What is it?"

"I named her in memory of something very beautiful." 

"What."

"Toni; you see, I chose the feminine equivalent of your name."

That really got under my guard and the tears came. 

Amrah, sounding distressed, said, "Do not cry Tony, I thought you would be pleased. I promise you that when you look at her tomorrow you will see how lovely she is and I am sure you will like her."

"She takes after her mother then?"

"Always you imply that I am beautiful, even after I hurt you so much, but I think perhaps it is that a child conceived in love is always beautiful, do you not think so?"

"Was it love?"

"You ask me that now? Toni has been the one good thing to come out of all that happened; it is she who has enabled me to forgive myself, at least in part, and to find some peace."

"Then she may give me some peace too," I replied.

"Yes, she may do that Tony. If I have said enough then I think you should go now, unless there is more you wish to ask me."

"No...no...there been enough said for tonight."

"Then shall we say ten o'clock tomorrow morning in the foyer?"

"Yes...you will be there?"

"You are still not sure of me Tony? Ah well, I understand that, but yes, I will be there." 

She hesitated for a moment and then said, "There is one question I would like to ask you, if I may."

"You may."

"Did you get the doctorate you told me you were working towards?"

"Yes."

"That is good Tony."

We said goodnight and I went to my room. I undressed and lay on the bed, but not to sleep. It was a rerun of those sleepless nights when I had laid awake desperately thinking about the vanished Amrah.

Chapter 4.A Child Bridge.

Quite apart from the struggle I was having in coming to terms with what Amrah had told me, there was the daunting prospect of meeting my daughter in the morning. "What age is she?" I wondered; "Of course she must be four." 

What would I do, what would I say to the child? I'd had hardly any experience with children and now I was to meet an instant daughter. Would she like me? Would she be frightened of me? Would I like her? 

With these thoughts I finally drifted off to sleep in the early hours, to awaken fearing that I had overslept and it was me who would not be turning up for the meeting. Glancing at my bedside clock I was relieved to see that it was a few minutes before nine. A quick shower and then breakfast; I looked around for them but they were not in the dining room; they must have been there before me. 

Then the suspicion arose in my mind again; perhaps they had gone and I was deceived once more. I went back to my room, my stomach churning, and inspected myself in the long mirror. I had to look my best to meet my daughter, always supposing she was there to be met.

She was. Both of them stood there dressed in white, a colour that enhanced Amrah's golden complexion, and now the child's complexion, so like her mother's.

As I approached them Amrah stepped towards me and whispered, "I shall introduce you as Dr. Essex, and I have told her you will not be angry and noisy; she is a little frightened." 

"Not nearly as frightened as I am," I thought.

The introduction was very grave.

"Darling, this is Doctor Essex; this is my daughter, Toni."

The child looked at me and in her dark sloe eyes there was what seemed to be a mixture of apprehension and curiosity. I said, "Hello Toni, I'm pleased to meet you." She stood close to her mother as if for protection and whispered "Hello, Doctor Essex."

"I have told Toni that you are an old friend of mine and that we haven't met for a long time and that you would like to go for a walk with us."

That, I assumed, was to warn me of what my relationship to Amrah was supposed to be. Unexpectedly I felt a bit put out by the introduction and the warning, but then what had I expected? Did I think that Amrah would say, "Toni this is your father?" No, of course not, it was silly to even think of that.

As I looked at the child I saw confirmed what Amrah had said, she was very beautiful. I wondered how that man could have virtually sent mother and daughter away. For all his wealth and power he had behaved like a spoilt child who could not get his own way.

Amrah took Toni's hand and asked, "Shall we go?"

"Yes, along the beach?" I asked.

"Yes, that will be very good," Amrah replied.

We wandered off and when we got to the beach Toni raced on ahead, running at the waves that rolled onto the beach and then fleeing from them, as if daring them to catch her.

"I don't know what to say to her," I said to Amrah.

"Then do not say anything Tony, let her come to you in her own time. Do you not think she is beautiful?"

"Yes, very. She looks like you."

Amrah seemed to ignore my remark saying, "She is very intelligent, I tell myself in that respect she takes after you, despite the fact that you can be foolish at times."

After walking for about half an hour we arrived where the beach came to an end and cliffs took over. Amrah and I sat on some rocks watching Toni hunt among rock pools. After a while she came towards us, and standing beside her mother she turned those glittering black eyes on me.

I felt somewhat embarrassed under that searching scrutiny but tried to look back at her, smiling. I think the smile must have been rather feeble.

Toni had hardly spoken at all but now, after a minute or so surveying me she asked, "You are a doctor?" 

"Er...yes."

"You make people better?"

"I...er..."

Amrah laughed lightly and came to my rescue.

"Darling, Doctor Essex is not that sort of doctor he..."

"What sort of doctor is Doctor Essex?"

Lacking her mother's slight accent she seemed have the same precision of speech and that seemed odd and a trifle disconcerting in one so young.

She continued addressing her mother, "When you took me to the doctor he put a needle into my arm and said I would not become unwell." Then looking at me she asked, "You do not put needles into arms?"

"No, I...I build things."

She seemed to contemplate that for a while, and then asked, "What sort of things do you build?"

"I can build bridges and things like that." That wasn't quite true since I did the designing while others did the building, and until then I had not designed a bridge.

She nearly caught me out when she asked, "Are you building a bridge now?"

"No, I'm building something else at the moment."

"Ah, then you can build different things?"

I was about to try and frame a reply but she suddenly seemed to lose interest and recommenced her rock pool explorations. 

Amrah smiled at me and said, "She is searching you out, give her a little time and she will ask more questions."

We sat on for a while longer and Amrah said, "It is a pity you are here for so short a time, you might get to know her quite well if you had longer."

I explained that I had to go and see a gantry I was involved with.

"Then you will be returning to the city?"

"Yes, I've got another project that's in the design stage."

"If by the time you leave you like Toni and would wish to see more of her, then you may visit us at our flat, do you think you would like that?"

"Look," I protested, "I don't want to interfere with your lives, especially if there's someone...you know...someone who..."

"Ah, I think I know what you mean, Tony. If it helps you to make up your mind, there is no one, it is too soon for that."

For some reason I felt a sense of relief, so I said, "Then we can talk about it before I leave, but it's not only you and me, we have to try and judge how Toni feels; she might not like me." 

"Yes, that is true, but I think she will like you...if you are gentle with her. Shall we walk back now?"

Toni was called and we began the walk back, but got only part way to the hotel when Toni stopped us. 

"Dr. Essex, you build things, can you build a sandcastle?"

Since Toni was so serious in addressing me I replied with equal seriousness, "Yes, I think so."

"You have built sandcastles before?"

"Yes, when I was young...about your age."

"You will help me build one now?"

I glanced at Amrah who nodded and sat down on the sand to watch proceedings. 

As an engineer I was clearly under challenge to build the finest sandcastle ever, and with Toni pitching in with great enthusiasm we started work. 

I'm not sure that it was the greatest sandcastle ever built, but it pleased Toni, especially when the encroaching tide started to fill the moat. This of course was followed by disappointment when the same tide started to wash the castle away.

"We'll build another one tomorrow I reassured Toni, perhaps farther up the beach so it won't get washed away. You can bring water in a bucket to fill the moat."

I brushed sand from my hands and trousers while Amrah did the same to her skirt. As her hands flicked over her firm buttocks the memory came back; "God help me," I thought, "the desire is still there."

My thoughts were interrupted by Toni, "I have not got a bucket."

"Then we shall buy one tomorrow." 

It struck me that I was making these arrangements without any reference to Amrah. I glanced at her, raising my eyebrows in query.

She smiled, nodded and mouthed what appeared to be, "It is all right."

Toni, who seemed to be a little tired, took her mother's hand and then extended her other hand to me. I took it, feeling it smallness and warmth. She swung between us until we got back to the hotel.

It was Amrah's turn to look questioningly. "Would you like to join us for lunch?"

"If it wouldn't be imposing on..."

"I would not have asked you if I did not want to; you will not be imposing."

"Then yes, I'd like to." I added as an afterthought, "I was just being polite."

Amrah looked at me for a moment and then she gave a little laugh, clearly remembering our long ago talk of politeness. 

We all opted for a light lunch of cold lamb and salad, and when we had finished Amrah said, "Toni still has an afternoon sleep. Would you like to join us in our suite? And please do not be polite and speak of imposing."

"Yes, I would like to join you, and no, I won't speak of imposing." 

Amrah smiled again but said nothing in response.

Chapter 5.The Bridge that is a Bond?

As Amrah settled Toni for her afternoon sleep I sat thinking about our morning together. A long ago memory of words once heard came to me; "Every one who loves the parent loves the child."

When Amrah had led Toni away for her sleep the child had protested, "But I want to talk to Doctor Essex." Amrah had assured her, "You will see Doctor Essex later darling." 

With that assurance Toni had been content, but I wondered if I would be seeing her later. Being told that I had a daughter had been something of a shock, getting to know her had been easier and pleasanter than I expected, and if I kept to my word the next day I would be building another sandcastle with her; but beyond that, what?

What did I want? Suppose I got to love the child and once more there was a parting of the ways? I felt that it would be easy to love Toni...too easy...just as it had been easy to love her mother, and I was setting myself up for another bitter disappointment – more pain.

Amrah had said it was too soon for her to take someone – some man – into her life, but with her looks and her sexual needs it surely wouldn't be long before there was someone. Would I then have to know that some other man was virtually being father to my daughter while I remained on the outskirts of her life as Doctor Essex, mummy's old friend, even assuming that I was on the outskirts and not completely out of their lives.

Amrah had taught me, and my mother had reinforced, that love can be dangerous; it is a risk because it carries with it the threat of loss. Did I want to experience that sort of loss again? Wouldn't it be better to experience that loss now while its pain would be mild, rather than get myself involved only to experience the greater pain?




Built Upon Sand



Amrah returned; she looked at me and said, "You seem thoughtful, Tony." 

I shook myself out of my reverie and said, "I was thinking about Toni." I did not add, "And me." 

"You like her?" Amrah asked.

"Yes, she's a delightful child."

"Before she went to sleep she said nice things about you."

"Because I helped her build a sandcastle?"

"Yes, that is natural with children. They judge people in that way, and you did say you would build another sandcastle with her tomorrow and that for her is exciting."

I wondered if while I was building sandcastles I would also be building castles in the air that would come tumbling down.

Amrah sat opposite me and those words, "Everyone who loves the parent..." rose up again in my mind. Did I still love Amrah, even after all the pain my loving had cost me? Certainly I still lusted for her, what man wouldn't? 

Another thought arose, "Apparently her husband has ceased lusting for her." But then, if Amrah had been truthful, it was her failure to produce a son for him that had brought an end to their relationship. I asked myself, if had I been in his place would I too have rejected her for failure to produce a son? No, of course not.

I remembered when Amrah had asked me to tell her when I was joking and it had occurred to me that humour is different in different cultures. Attitudes to children could also be different. I had heard of societies in which girls were seen only as a burden and boys were highly prized. That attitude did not accord with our culture but...it struck me that I had no idea of Amrah's background – where she came from.

I tried to smile as I said, "Amrah, I know almost nothing about the mother of my child."

"Do you not, Tony? I thought that once you knew a great deal about me."

"I...I didn't mean in that way; I mean, where you come from, your background."

"Ah, I see. I was born and lived for much of my life in Croatia, but trouble came and people were killed, especially my people."

"And they were?"

"Croatian people of Turkish origin. When the trouble came we were hated, so we fled."

"And you settled here in Australia."

"Yes."

"Did you marry here?"

"No, in Croatia."

We both fell silent for a while, Amrah seeming not to want to say more, perhaps not wanting to revive the painful memories of what she had called the "Trouble."

I changed the direction of the talk slightly and asked, "Are you going to stay in Australia?"

Amrah looked at me shrewdly and said, "I think, you are concerned that if you get to love Toni I will take her away. No, I will not do that, we shall stay here."

That had not been in my thinking, but once Amrah had spelled it out I could see that, along with her entering a relationship with a man and I being sidelined, there was the chance she would return to her country of origin since she was now free to do so.  

Still not completely assured that I could trust Amrah's word I decided that I should have to be wary when it came to relating to Toni.

I recalled reading once that to love is a decision we make; it is not the infatuation that we call "love" that so often has its origins in lust, but something we deliberately decided to do. "Perhaps," I thought, "love is the maturing of infatuation; it is part of our general growing up into manhood and womanhood. Yes, love is a decision we make in relation to another when the first flights of passion have calmed and we look for something deeper, something that will last."

I suspected that many never reach the point of mature love, and go on for ever seeking that which does not exist except in their fantasies. They are like the people who build sandcastles too near the sea, and have to watch them being washed away each time the tide rises.

The words beat in my head again, "Every one who loves the parent loves the child."

Amrah interrupted the flow of my thoughts.

"You are far away again in your thoughts, Tony."

"Yes...yes, I was thinking about tomorrow." Well, I suppose in a way that was true, but it included all the tomorrows that would follow, and what might be.

"Ah, tomorrow, you are looking forward to it?"

"I don't know Amrah. I was thinking that..."

"That you might become too fond of Toni? I think that is why you asked me about someone else in my life and my leaving this country."

"Yes, something like that."

"That is very sad and it means you still do not trust me...what I say. You ask yourself, 'Will she hurt me again', is that not so?"

Feeling somewhat ashamed at having been caught out I nevertheless said, "Yes."

"You are an engineer, Tony, now tell me, do not engineers sometimes make things that do not work, like...like a bridge that falls down?"

"Yes, but if an engineer designs a bridge that falls down he or she is finished."

"Yes, but let me put it more mildly; do they not sometimes design something...say a machine, that does not work properly at first, what do they do?"

"Well, if they still believe in it they try and modify the design so that the machine does what they hoped it would."

"Is it not the same with people? Sometimes a relationship goes wrong...it does not work as we hoped. If we believe it will never work, then we abandon it, as my husband abandoned me. But if we think it is not working properly, but there is still much promise, we try to modify that relationship, do we not?"

"Yes, I suppose if we think it will work in the end."

"But there is no guarantee it will work, is there?"

"No, I suppose not, but..."

"You are going to see something you designed, is that not right?"

"Yes, a gantry."

"I do not know what a gantry is, but suppose it does not work...it breaks."

"I'm in a lot of trouble."

"Exactly; you design it well, but still there is a chance that it will not be as you wish it to be and however sure you are there is still a risk, however small, that it will go wrong. Is that not so?"

"Yes, there is a chance, but very remote one. You see, I designed it to carry far more weight than it will ever be called upon to do."

"Yes Tony, and human beings are like that. We are made to be able to carry more pain and loss than we often suspect. Have you not often wondered how some people seem to be able to bear more pain and loss than we imagined possible and still carry on with their lives?"

"I suppose..."

"And can you not bear more if you had to?"

"Perhaps so, but why should I walk into it deliberately?"

"You mean, why should to risk loving Toni and then losing her?"

"Yes, and even if I did take the risk what would I be to her, a father whom she could never call father; her mother's friend or perhaps a surrogate uncle?" 

"Do you know what a father is, Tony?"

"Of course I do, he's someone who...who...er...is a father."

"You go round in a circle Tony. I shall tell you what a father is; it is someone who acts as a father whether he is the true father of the child or not; it is someone who loves and cares for and protects the child. But you are Toni's true father."

"You sound as if you want me to relate to Toni as a father."

"For four years I did not think so, but now we have met again and you have seen her and she has already begun to like you, then why should I not want you to relate to her as a father, even if you can never be named as such?"

"Why would you want that, after all I was a random choice when it came to making you pregnant?"

"Not quite random, Tony; I chose you more carefully than you imagine, but that is not the point; I think you are a good man and that is what I would want for Toni's father."

"Good," I said, "a guy who knowingly commits adultery with a woman he has known for little more than an hour?"

"She has a mother who lured you into that adultery Tony. Neither of us can change that; we cannot go back to that day on the beach and my sun lounger and change what happened...by the way, I know how to erect one now."

We both laughed, and that seemed to break the tension that had built up during the previous talk.

Amrah became grave again and said, "Tony, five years ago I wanted something for myself and took it when I could see it was there for the taking. Now, in case you are thinking I want something from you – money perhaps – I tell you I ask nothing for myself, only for Toni. Even so I would not wish you to do something that you have no desire to do. If that is so, then perhaps you should go now; I can make excuses for you to Toni – you were called away to work or something like that – she is young and she will forget you. But if you choose to go on seeing her and she becomes fond of you, then any break in the future might be bad for her."

"Yes, I see that," I replied.

"It is a risk whichever choice you make. If you go now, you may wonder about her for the rest of your life. If you stay and grow to love her you take the risk that all love takes, loss."

"And what about you, Amrah, what do you want?"

"I told you Tony, I ask nothing for myself; I do not have that right, and even if I did I would not exercise it."

"But I..."

"No, I ask only for Toni."

"But for the future..."

"We may think we know the future Tony, but as you and I should understand most clearly, there can be no future guarantees even when we are most certain we know how things will be."

"You asked me to decide now and that's a big ask given that it's so short a time since I learned I have a daughter. Can I be given time to think, say until tomorrow?"

"Yes, you can play sandcastles with her and if you decide you want no further time with her then you can make your own excuses; after all, she can have no expectations of you beyond tomorrow and sandcastles. But this I do ask of you; if you decide to go away, do not return in the years to come demanding access or something like that. I shall give her as stable a life as I can in whatever way I can, and should not wish that stability to be disrupted."

"No, of course I wouldn't do that Amrah."

"Good, then will you dine with us this evening?"

"Yes, I'd like that."

"Then let us meet in the dining room at seven."

I rose and said, "At seven then." 

I remembered how once we had dined in her suite, and wondered if Amrah was making sure I had no opportunity for a repeat of those days. I asked myself if I would like a return to those passionate times, and couldn't answer my question. It also occurred to me that if I did not altogether trust Amrah, she might not trust me to keep my hands off her.

Chapter 6.Decision Time.

I went to my room and flopped down on the bed. From the moment I had become aware of having a daughter life seemed to have become emotionally charged, and with that charge came one of its potential running mates, confusion. I need hardly say, since it must be already obvious from what I have written, that being with Amrah had done nothing to ameliorate that confusion.

She had been – or at least I thought she had been – the great love of my life. Losing her had been the bitterest experience I had endured but, given time, I had grown used to my loss. I have heard it said that prisoners of war, however harsh their environment, when liberation came some could not be induced to leave the place of their confinement, and even turned on their liberators.

Less dramatically I suppose I had grown used to the loss of Amrah, and now, with her back on the scene, I felt some resentment that she had disturbed my security and stirred up past emotions. Add to that the decision I had to make regarding Toni, and the fact that if I did decide to remain in contact with the child I should also have to remain in contact with Amrah, and I'd got a rather difficult situation; at least that's how I saw it.

I don't want to be misunderstood. There was no doubt that Amrah was an extremely attractive woman, despite her saying she was not the most beautiful woman in the world. In that respect there would be no difficulty in climbing into her bed again; it was what might follow from that sojourn in her bed that troubled me. Would it be another temporary stopover followed by more heartbreak? 

One part of me wanted to flee from the two of them; the other part wanted to take the risk that Amrah had spoken of and see what the future would bring. 

I've said I do not want to be misunderstood, so I might a well come clean. I knew deep down that despite all the misery she had brought me, I still loved Amrah. It was this love that was really bothering me; I didn't want a fire lit under that again.

I lay for a long while twisting and turning in my mind until finally acknowledging I had committed myself to at least some sandcastle building the next day, I rose and took a shower. I shaved despite the fact that I had shaved that morning, and although the hotel was not the sort of place where you dressed for dinner in the dinner jacket sense, I did go to some trouble to look my best. Why? Well, I told myself it was for my daughter.

Arriving in the dining room I saw that Amrah and Toni had also gone to some trouble to look their best. The theme was white again but Amrah had a red rose attached to her dress. Looking at her, there came to consciousness something that I had noticed before but had not fully registered it; Amrah wore no jewellery and for the first time in our renewed acquaintance I also noted she no longer wore her engagement or wedding ring. 

There was also the fact that Amrah used no makeup, or at least, none that I could detect. This too was something that had not fully registered with me before. There had been that alluring perfume that I remembered from the past that seemed to come from her hair, but it had been very subtle and so far I had not been close enough to her to discover if she still used it.

Toni looked very sweet in her white dress with her golden coloured skin glowing and dark eyes constantly looking at me in that unaffected way children have. I thought she was the sort of daughter a father would be proud to show off, and how my mother would fuss with delight over her. No doubt I could get a big ego boost out of this – the father of such a lovely child.

The moment of imagined paternal pride was interrupted by Toni who, after what must have been a somewhat minute examination of me announced, "You've got a cut on your chin I can see the blood."

My careful preparations had not been careful enough and I'd nicked myself shaving. There were a few moments of handkerchief manipulating by Amrah as she removed the dried blood. This caused the cut to start bleeding again so I had to sit there for a while holding the handkerchief to the offending abrasion.

It was all very domestic and I got the feeling we were playing at happy families. 

Conversation was spasmodic and what there was of it was initiated mainly by Toni who wanted to know how big the sandcastle would be, would I remember to buy her a bucket, and would I build another sandcastle with her the day after. Amrah got me off the hook over the latter question saying, "Doctor Essex may have to leave after tomorrow darling."

With a child's persistence, and lacking the subtleties of the situation I was asked if I would build a sandcastle with her when I came back. Not having the heart to tell her I might never be back, I used the adult ploy, "We'll have to wait and see." 

That gambit did not work as I hoped because Toni said something that tore at my heart.

"Then I shall ask mummy to take me to the beach everyday until you come back and I shall wait for you there."

I felt as if I had a swelling in my throat, and glancing at Amrah I could see a tear trickling down her cheek.

I was still retaining her handkerchief and it being stained with my gore I tried as surreptitiously as possible to pass her mine. As she wiped away the tears Toni said, "Why are you crying mummy?"

"I'm not crying darling," Amrah sniffed, "I've just got something in my eye; there, it's gone now."

The non-existent something in her eye exerted its influence for another minute or two by which time our food had arrived and that lump in my throat made it difficult to swallow.

While eating conversation became spasmodic again and consisted mainly of Amrah and me playing out some verbal game, I suppose for Toni's benefit.

"Isn't it odd meeting again like this?"

"Yes, after all these years."

"I often wondered what had happened to you."

"Yes, I've wondered about you and why we didn't keep in touch."

"I'm so glad we caught up again."

"Yes, so am I, we mustn't lose sight of each other again."

And so it went on and I don't think either of us realised how that nonsense talk might come back to haunt us. But then, we often don't realise how a child who seems to be concerned solely with eating can at the same time be drinking in everything the adults are saying and giving it their interpretation.

At the end of the meal I instructed that it should be put on my account, and glancing at Amrah said archly, "I owe you a few."

At that moment Toni was apparently fascinated by a fat lady arguing with the manager, so Amrah took advantage of the distraction to say to me, "Can you not see you owe me nothing?" She nodded towards Toni.

That bloody lump was back in my throat again.

Final arrangements were made about the next day. We were to meet in the hotel foyer at ten and make our way to the beach. Then it was goodnights and going our separate ways to our rooms and for me, after eventually getting into bed, several hours of tossing and turning as I tried to come to terms with what had come into my life.

Chapter 7.The Castle. 

I was in the hotel foyer promptly at ten wearing an old pair of jeans which I felt to be suitable for sandcastle building. Amrah and Toni were also clad for the occasion, but with more elegance than me. Amrah was carrying a beach umbrella, towels but no sun lounger. 

Once more with Toni swinging between us we went off to buy the little bucket and then on to the beach and castle construction. 

I chose a likely looking place and Toni and I began work. Amrah stretched out under the umbrella on her beach towel a few metres away from us. That seemed odd at the time, but I afterwards realised that she was anticipating some talk between Toni and me and didn't want to inhibit any exchanges.

The exchanges began about five minutes after we started.

"It's funny, isn't it," Toni said.

"Is it...what is, the castle?"

"No, your name."

"Essex?"

"No, I heard mummy call you Tony."

"Yes, that's my name, Tony Essex."

"My name is Toni too."

"Well, yes, but it's spelt differently, see."

I wrote in the sand, TONI. "See, that's your name." I then wrote TONY. "That's my name, can you see the difference?"

"Yes, but why is it different?"

"Your name is spelt as a girl's name, and mine is a boy's name." 

"Oh." Beside TONI she wrote VURUL and beside TONY she wrote ESIX.

"You know how to write your name," I commented.

"Yes, mummy taught me, and I can write other things."

"Like my name."

"Yes."

"It sounds like the way you wrote it, but it's a bit different."

"Show me."

I wrote ESSEX; Toni studied it for a while then wrote it out herself. 

I thought, "Aha, Amrah failed to give me her family name, whether by oversight or deliberately, but Toni had given it away. 

We worked on in silence for a while and then, "Mummy says you're an old friend."

"That's right."

"Why have I not met you before?"

"Oh well, we just lost touch with each other."

"Are you a very old friend?"

"I...er...suppose so. I met your mother a long time ago."

"Before I was born?"

"Yes...yes, before you were born."

"Are you an old friend of daddy as well?"

That was a hard one given my relationship with Toni, but I said, "No, I've never met your daddy."

I worked on but Toni sat on the sand as if digesting my answers.




Built Upon Sand



"Why haven't you met daddy?"

I glanced across at Amrah, but she was reading a book and seemed oblivious to my plight; I felt badly in need of rescue. Fortunately Toni did not wait for my answer. 

"If you haven't met daddy where did you meet mummy?"

"It was...it was at the beach one day."

"This beach?"

"No, another beach; I helped your mummy put up a sun lounger."

"And you became friends?"

"Yes."

Toni got back to work and much to my relief she said nothing for a while.

Relief did not last for long.

"Do you like mummy?"

"Of course I do or I wouldn't be here building a sandcastle with you."

"If you like her why were you cross with her in the dining room?"

"I wasn't really cross, just surprised," I lied.

"You sounded cross, just like daddy. He was always cross with mummy."

"That's sad."

"Yes, he was always cross with me too."

"Why was that?"

"I don't think he liked me."

"A lovely little girl like you?"

"Yes, do you like me?"

"Yes...yes, of course I like you; you're a nice little girl. Now I think we can fill the moat with water, so go and get some in your bucket."

Toni headed for the sea and I headed for Amrah.

"Have you got any idea of the questions she's been asking me?" I asked desperately.

"No, what has she been asking?"

"About our friendship; how we met and do I know her father."

Amrah laughed and said, "Well you said you wanted to get to know her, Tony, and it seems she wants to get to know you as well."

It seemed that Amrah did not intend to be very helpful, but I thought up a little revenge. I wrote in the sand, "AMRAH VURUL."

Amrah looked at it for a moment, smiled and asked, "How did you learn my family name?"

"Your literate daughter wrote it in the sand, so you won't be able to hide from me so easily next time." 

"No, that was my name before I was married, but you think I want to hide from you Tony?"

"I...I don't know...I'm not sure...you did once."

"Yes, but that was different. Did I not say that if you liked Toni and wanted to see more of her you could come to our flat when we return to the city?"

"Yes, but..."

"Still you do not trust me."

"Well it's hard after..."

"Yes it is, but when we return to the hotel I shall write my address, my telephone number and my email address for you; will that satisfy you?"

"Yes, I suppose..."

"So often you 'suppose,' Tony. If you think I am deceiving you again then the hotel has the city telephone directory, you can look up my name and see I am telling the truth; there is only one A. Vurul."

"I didn't mean to..."

"Now you are not telling the truth, Tony. You are thinking, 'If she lied to me once she will lie again,' is that not so?"

Feeling somewhat embarrassed at being read so clearly I replied, "Yes."

Toni had poured water into the moat several times as we had been talking, and now she complained, "The water goes away."

The sand, being above the tide mark, was dry, and was simply absorbing the water. 

"You'll have to pour lots more in until it does fill up," I told her. She continued her water carrying.

"Have you decided whether you want to see Toni again," Amrah asked.

"Yes, I'd like to, very much."

"You think you could love her?"

"That won't be difficult, but it means you and I will see a lot of each other."

"Yes, Tony, do you find that difficult?"

I knew at that moment I was approaching a crucial question, not simply in relation to Toni, but to Amrah as well. What did I think of Amrah, what did I feel about her beyond raw sexual lust?"

I admit I prevaricated saying, "Yes and no."

"Tony, you have talked with two tongues before. I know why you are doing it and I understand, but why can you not say what is truly on your mind."

"It's not as easy as..."

"No, it is not easy for you, but it is not easy for me either. Shall I tell you what you are thinking?"

Intrigued by what she might have guessed about my thoughts I replied, "Yes, if you want to."

"You are thinking, 'I still desire her and I still have love in my heart for her, but she may not desire and have love for me. Is that not so?"

Discomfited at the way she understood me so accurately I said, "Yes, that's about right."

"You are also thinking that if we see much of each other your love and desire will grow and you will feel...feel...I do not know the word..."

"Frustrated will do."

"Ah yes, frustrated, and that is depressing and you are afraid of being depressed, yes?"

"The moat is filling up," Toni called.

"You had better go to your daughter," Amrah whispered, "we can talk later of you and me."

Chapter 8.A Foundation.

I returned to Toni and the sandcastle, and together we put the finishing touches to our work. When we finished Toni stood back surveying our creation and said, "It is a beautiful castle Doctor Essex, are you going away tomorrow?"

"No...no, I shall stay a bit longer."

"And build more sandcastles with me?"

"Yes, but we could go for walks and swim – do you like swimming?"

"Yes, mummy likes to swim as well."

"Then perhaps we can all go swimming."

"Yes; there's a place where they have dolphins and mummy is going to take me there, you could come as well."

"We'll have to ask your mummy."

Toni ran straight over to her mother crying, "Can Doctor Essex come with us to see the dolphins?"

"Of course, if he wants to," replied Amrah, smiling across at me. "I think it is lunchtime now."

There was no question now whether or not I should join them for lunch; it seemed to be taken for granted that I would. From that moment on it was accepted that I would take all my meals with them and stay with Amrah while Toni had her afternoon sleep.

"Over lunch Toni said, "Doctor Essex is not going away and he will build another sandcastle with me tomorrow."

"Darling," Amrah said, "perhaps Doctor Essex would like to do something else." She looked at me questioningly.

"Well, if it's a fine day tomorrow we could build a sandcastle and go for a swim, would you like that Toni?" I asked.

Tone said eagerly, "Yes...yes...can we swim this afternoon?"

"I think," Amrah said, "after you have had your sleep, we should go and see the dolphins and tomorrow we swim."

"I don't want to have a sleep," Toni protested.

Without really thinking and I suppose by some ghastly adult reflex, I stepped in and said, "Little girls need to have an afternoon sleep so that they grow up big, strong and beautiful."

I heard a suppressed laugh from Amrah as she said, "Come then, have your sleep now and then we shall go to see the dolphins."

As Toni raced before us to the lift Amrah said, "Already you are being the concerned daddy."

"I didn't mean to interfere, it's just..."

"No...no Tony, it is all right. It shows that you are starting to care for Toni and that is good; and did you notice that after you told her she should have a sleep she made no further argument?"

"Yes...I suppose..."

"You see Tony, her father...oh dear it is so difficult...you are her father and I meant my husband who is no longer..."

I laughed and said, "Shall we call him Mustafic in future, that way we won't get mixed up?" 

"Mustafic is not his name," she said, "but yes, let us call him that and then we will not, as you say, get mixed up. What I wanted to say was, that being with a man who plays with her and likes her is good for Toni, and already she...she...what is the right word...trusts...er...respects you...I do not say it very well do I?"

"I think you say excellently, Amrah."

"Good; I am glad you like each other and that you begin to be a father, but is this from your heart, Tony?"

"Yes, it's from my heart Amrah, I'm not playing at being daddy."

We had arrived at the lift and Toni had pressed the button to take us to their floor. On arriving at their suite there were no more protests about not wanting to have her afternoon sleep.

After Toni had left us Amrah and I seemed to fall into an awkward silence until Amrah began, "I said we should talk later of you and I, is this the time?"

"Yes, but what is there to say? We seem to have covered just about everything, for the time being at least."

"I suppose we have, Tony," she said softly, "but if you intend to continue seeing Toni in the future then a time must come when we shall have to talk of you and me."

"You mean if some man comes into your life?"

"Ah, that is...how do you say it...hypothetical? Yes, hypothetical, but one day, who knows; but let us not speak of hypothetical, let us talk only of you and me now."

"Well, I thought we might continue to go out together for what's left of my stay here and then I could see something of you both when you get back to the city," I said with somewhat artificial cheerfulness.

Amrah sighed and said, "It is so sad Tony that you do not speak from your heart, but if you do not wish to talk of how we shall be then I can wait. Now I shall go and change for our visit to the dolphins, you may also wish to change."

I didn't really want to change but thought it best if I got out of Amrah's way for a while.

"What time will Toni wake up?" I asked. 

"She will sleep for an hour and soon after that we will be ready, say in an hour and a half."

Saying, "I'll meet you here then," I left and went to my room.

I knew very well that one day I should have to confront my relationship with Amrah, "But not yet," I told myself.

I moped around for a while and then changed into a pair of casual slacks and shirt. When I went to collect Amrah and Toni the colour scheme had changed. Toni was wearing a little cream coloured dress and Amrah mushroom coloured slacks and shirt. 

We went off to what was called "The Dolphin Park." It may have been my mood but the visit was not a great success as far as I was concerned. We watched dolphins that were in captivity leaping up to snatch food held out by their minders, and generally cavorting around the large watery enclosure. I just hated the idea of them being held captive. But then, I've never liked performing animals ever since I was taken to a circus as a child.

I got the feeling Amrah shared my thoughts about the animals and Toni was more curious than entertained. On our way back to the hotel she plied me with questions about where the dolphins came from, why they could jump so high out of the water, why she couldn't jump like that and did they have girl and boy dolphins. 

Amrah seemed amused as I struggled to find answers out of my limited knowledge of dolphins.

"You see," she whispered to me, "how much you need to know when you are a father."

Chapter 9.A Bedtime Story.

It was not quite time for dinner when we arrived at the hotel so we retired to Amrah's suite for a while. I don't know whether Toni's question about boy and girl dolphins inspired what came next, but it began with the question, "Do you have a mummy?"

Taking her question literally I said "Yes."

She went on, "Do you have a little girl or a little boy?"

I was completely flustered, not knowing how to answer, when Amrah intervened.

"I think when she asked if you have a mummy she meant do you have a wife, is that not so, Toni?"

Toni looked puzzled and then said, "Does Doctor Essex have a mummy like you?"

That little tangle having been sorted out I said, "No I don't have a mummy like your mummy." 

"Why don't you have a mummy?"

"Well, I...I...just haven't met...I mean, not everybody has a mummy."

"Ah; why do they not have a mummy?" 

"Because...er...they...they...perhaps they don't want to."

"And you do not want to?"

"Yes...no...I haven't decided."

"So you do not have a little boy or girl?"

"Dear God," I thought, "how the hell do I get out of this one without lying again?"

Amrah stepped in saying, "Perhaps Doctor Essex would like a little boy or girl one day."

"A little girl like me?"

"Yes, I am sure he would like a little girl like you."

Toni, much to my relief, seemed to go off on another tack.

"When we swim tomorrow will you throw me up so that I can splash into the water like a dolphin?"

"Yes...if you'd like me to."

"Come," Amrah said, "it is time for us to eat."

That seemed to bring to an end a rather difficult if brief question and answer session.

Talk over dinner focused mainly on swimming and the next day's sandcastle and what we would do in the afternoon. I pointed out that the day after that I would have to leave and that drew from Toni the question, "When will you be coming back?"

I had to tell her I would not be coming back, but Amrah softened this response by saying, "Doctor Essex will be coming to see us when we go back to the city."

That seemed to settle the matter nicely until Toni asked, "Is that because Doctor Essex likes us?"

"Yes," Amrah responded, looking at me questioningly, "of course he likes you."

I noted the change in the pronoun from plural to singular.

Children in their innocent frankness can often leave the adults red faced. Toni managed this as she went on, "We like him, don't we mummy, you told me you like him."

Amrah resorted to a typical adult escape stratagem, "Yes, darling, now eat your dinner."

Thank God silence reigned while we ate. 

It reigned until we went back to Toni's suite. When we arrived it was time for Toni to go to bed, and this brought about another turn of events.

For the first time Toni was paraded before me in her nightdress so that she could say good night. 

She stood looking at me solemnly for a moment then said, "Samantha's daddy reads her a story when she goes to bed."

"Oh...ah...does he; who is Samantha?"

"She is Toni's friend in the city," Amrah explained.

"Her daddy reads her stories," she repeated.

"I see."

"Would you read me a story?"

"I...er...yes...if you want me to." 

I looked at Amrah; she smiled and nodded, saying "We have been reading stories from "The Fairy Tales" of Oscar Wilde. Tonight we were going to start "The Nightingale and the Rose," and turning to Toni she said, "Only two pages tonight."

I was led by the hand into Toni's room and sitting on the side of the bed with Toni under the covers I began the tragic love tale. 

I got a bit thoughtful when I came to the paragraph, "Surely love is a wonderful thing. It is more precious than emeralds, and dearer than fine opals. Pearls and pomegranates cannot buy it, nor is it set forth in the market place. It may not be purchased of the merchants, nor can it be weighed out in the balance for gold."

I finished the two-page ration with a bit of a lump in my throat. Perhaps not so poetically, this was what Amrah had said to me long ago. Love cannot be bought.

When I finished Toni gave a long sigh and said, "You read nicely Doctor Essex. Samantha's daddy always kisses her goodnight."

I took that to mean that I was expected to kiss Toni. I leaned over her and she put her arms round my neck and kissed me. And then said, "You look very pretty." I was close to tears.

"We build a sandcastle tomorrow and swim," Toni said as I left her, as if to be sure I would not forget.

Amrah went in to her for a few moments to make sure she was settled, and then returned.

She looked at me closely and asked, "You like being a daddy?"

I grinned and said, "I'm not sure I like being called pretty."

Amrah laughed and asked, "Is that what she said?"

"Yes."

"Then be pleased Tony, such words from children are sincere and not used to manipulate as so often with adults. But you did not say if you like being a daddy. 

""Yes...yes...I suppose I do but I didn't know...it's...it's..."

"It can be very lovely or very ugly, Tony. Tonight you have made it lovely for Toni and yourself. She begins to feel love and trust for you."

Perhaps it was the sheer newness of filial love in my life that caused me to respond with a touch of uncalled for cynicism.

"And all because I helped her build a sandcastle."

Looking back I think Amrah might have had good reason to rebuke me for that remark, and she did, but in her own gentle way.

"Yes, Tony, it might begin with a sandcastle, but it grows as the child feels your love and caring, and this you have begun to show her."

The engineer in me came to the surface and I said, "Well, it could be worse, after all, sand makes a very good foundation."

"Then let it be so, Tony, let your love grow and hers will grow with it."

"Love is more precious than emeralds," I slightly misquoted.

"Yes, that is so, Tony," Amrah responded. "Would you care to join me in a drink before you go?"

My mind was still focused on Toni and how I felt about her. I heard myself breath out a big sigh and said, "Yes...yes...thank you."

As we sat with our drinks which turned out to be Amrah's Concoction, she said, as if she was mediating out loud, "It has not been easy for you Tony, to learn that you have a daughter. I often used to wonder how you would be if ever you did learn of her existence; I thought you might be angry and would turn away from her, not wanting to know her. I see now how kind and gentle you have been with her; you are a man with much love in your heart, Tony Essex."

"I don't know about that, Amrah, after all, she's very easy to love."

"Yes, that is true; she is much easier to love than many people."

It slipped out before I could stop it, but damn it, it was so often that way with Amrah. She seemed to provoke an immediate, and therefore most likely to be true, response.

"Who loves the parent loves the child."

There it was, straight from what Amrah would call, "The heart." 

For nearly half a minute it was as if I'd denied the existence of God in front of a group fundamentalist Christians. There was a long almost alarming silence until Amrah said, "Do you say you love me, Tony?"

"Yes...yes, I bloody well – sorry – do."

I lie, I deceive, I am false with you, and you love me?"

"Yes, of course I bloody well – sorry – do. I was angry with you, at times I felt as if I hated you, but all the time it was really my disappointed love. Didn't someone once write that love doesn't count wrongs and it never ends?"

"If I say, I love you Tony Essex, you would not think I am lying and deceiving?"

"I don't know Amrah and I don't care. For five years I wanted my love for you to go away, but it wouldn't, and now...now I think whatever you did I would still love you."

"Oh Tony, I think you have much understanding of love, but if I..."

"Perhaps Toni has taught me about love," I interrupted.

"I think you are teaching each other about love, Tony, and you no longer mistrust me as you did."

"No, because this time I have a guarantee."

"What is that?"

"Toni."

"How Toni?"

"I know you love her; you know that love has started to grow between Toni and me; you would never do anything to hurt her, and besides, I know, because you have made it plain, you want me to be a father to her."

"That is true, Tony. It would have been good if you had said that you trusted me for my own sake, but I understand why you did not. I can be patient Tony, and because you will be coming to see Toni we shall have time to build trust between us; but now perhaps we should part until tomorrow."

I rose and she stood with me saying, "You see Tony, I am still too outspoken, saying what is in my heart." 

She came to me and kissed me. It was a soft tender kiss, not wildly passionate, and she went on, "For tonight let my kiss be my little guarantee to you."

Chapter 10.A Promise is Fulfilled.

At last if was clearly out in the open. The three of us caught up in the ties of love. I hadn't been getting much sleep lately, and that night was no different. There was a difference however in why I could not get to sleep. I was revelling in the warmth of love. 

I wanted to give and go on giving; pouring out on these two the joyful sense devotion I was experiencing. I had never felt like this before and it was exhilarating; it made me feel as if I was suspended between heaven and earth. Two people to give what had been so long buried in me. I loved and was loved.