0 comments/ 10234 views/ 14 favorites Ashley's Deal By: TessMackenzie Chapter One Ashley and David were fighting. She was shouting at him, slamming doors, furious. Then she suddenly stopped. Just stopped, and wondered what she was doing. "I don't want us to be like this," she said. David looked at her. "What?" Ashley said. "You're sick of me? This doesn't work? This is where we decide it is actually too hard, after all?" "No," David said. Ashley's mood was brittle, still angry. She wasn't really listening. "That's how it works, isn't it?" she said. "With difficult relationships. With people like us. At the start we tell each other everything'll be fine and we'll make it, but after a while it gets hard so we just give up." "Never," David said. Ashley stopped. "What?" "I'd never give on you. On us. You give up if you like, but I'm not going to." "Oh," she said, and stood there for a while. "Really?" "Not ever." She looked at him. He was completely serious, and suddenly she wasn't angry any more. She couldn't actually remember what they were fighting about. "We should stop this then," she said. "Old man." "Tell me how." "Fuck me for a start," she said. "Then we can see." He did. There in the kitchen, where they were standing. A year ago he wouldn't have dreamed of sex anywhere but in the bed, but he was changing. Like she was changing too. She leaned on the counter, wrapped her arms and legs around him, pressed herself against him as much as she could. She breathed in the smell of him, breathed the air out of his lungs, and held onto him until they were both done. Then, pulling her clothes back on, she said, "One of these days sex isn't going to be enough to fix us." "Maybe." "Should we worry?" "I don't know. It's working for now." "Yeah," she said. "Old man." She kissed him and went to have a shower. * Ashley was twenty-three and David was fifty-one and there were times when that was almost unbearable. She loved him. She really, really loved him with all that she had, but there were days when she couldn't see how even that could be enough. She was too young. In another ten years, the difference in age wouldn't matter. At twenty-three, it meant everything. She was too young, and not ready to settle down, and she had never been completely sure what she wanted from this. It was also hard because to the rest of the world Ashley was a fling, and no matter what she did, or what David meant to her, people wouldn't take their relationship seriously. She got sick of people noticing them, always staring, wherever they went. She got sick of the double-take when someone realized she wasn't having dinner with her father. She couldn't even be sure if her job was hers, not something he'd arranged, because he was her boss, and they worked at the same law firm, and even there people whispered about her. Sometimes Ashley felt herself not taking it seriously either, like she was being let astray by the opinions of strangers. They managed, though. They both worked a lot, and had that in common. More than anything else, what each needed was a partner who didn't mind the other working fourteen-hour days, and Ashley was glad she'd found that so easily. She went with David to his golf and wine tours, and he took her to concerts and wore ear-plugs and thought she hadn't noticed. She was a first-year associate and she knew judges and barristers and partners at major firms. She was twenty-three, and lived in an unaffordable apartment and drove an unaffordable car and her life was good. And she loved David. More than she'd ever loved anyone else. Sometimes it was all too much. * Ashley cheated on David. She couldn't help herself. She was bored, and feeling trapped by the seriousness of her life. She was twenty-three and was barely ready to sleep with the same person for a month, let alone settle down for the rest of her life. She was making excuses. She did a terrible to David. She did it because she was selfish. She knowing it would hurt him, and that it was completely unforgiveable. She did it anyway, and she didn't really know why. She went to an old boyfriend's house, someone she'd once thought she loved. She stood at Kyle's door and said, "I want you to fuck me." "I haven't seen you in months," he said. "So?" "Yeah," he said. "Come in." It had been a bad breakup. Kyle had sobbed and threatened and tried to blackmail her. She shouldn't be here, not with Kyle, but part of her wanted his desperation. A dark little part of herself liked how much Kyle had needed her. David didn't need her, not obsessively, not like Kyle had. David didn't need anyone like that. She was a monster. She did horrible things to people. She'd warned David at the start, and he hadn't believed her. She lay on Kyle's bed and he fucked her. She didn't move, put her hand over his mouth and pushed him away when he tried to kiss her, just lay there and watched him grunt and moan and got fucked. She wanted to be there, but she didn't really enjoy it. Kyle phoned her a week later, and she went back, and let him do it again. Then went home to David and hated herself. She didn't understand what was wrong with her. When Kyle phoned a third time, Ashley said no, never again, and don't try and contact her. He cried again, and begged again, and she told him to stay of her life. * The problem with keeping secrets around good trial lawyers was that good trial lawyers knew when you were lying. Ashley was often a second chair for Mary, who was tough and cold and ruthless, and in a complicated way a friend. Mary knew Ashley, and knew David, and was one of the few female partners who didn't look down on Ashley for sleeping where she did. Mary walked into Ashley's office one afternoon, and closed the door, and said, "Who is he?" Ashley looked up. "Who's what?" Mary didn't answer. Suddenly Ashley understood. This wasn't about work. Ashley knew her face was calm. She spent as much time as anyone else at the firm staying expressionless in the middle of a crisis. "David thinks you're sleeping with someone else," Mary said. "I'm not," Ashley said. "You've got a game face on," Mary said. "You're lying." Mary spent her life waiting for CEOs to blink and confess their secrets. She was hard to lie to, but Ashley had to try, anyway. "I'm not," Ashley said. "I don't know what you're taking about." "You do." "I don't." Mary shrugged. "Fine," she said. "If you want to talk, you let me know, okay?" "I don't know what you mean," Ashley said, and sat there without moving until Mary left. * Ashley worried all night, waiting for David to say something. She didn't sleep, and was irritable the next day, and couldn't work out what mistake she'd made. David seemed normal, as if nothing had changed. Except he was sending Mary to question Ashley. Two days later, in Mary's office, Ashley said suddenly, "You were right, the other day." "I know." "I was sleeping with someone else." "Of course you were." "Does David know?" "He wondered. He asked me if I'd noticed anything. I said I thought you'd changed. That you seemed happier." "Happier?" Ashley said. "Relieved." Mary said. "As if you'd made a decision. He thought so too." Ashley nodded. Mary was Ashley's boss, but the whole situation at work was odd. Talking about an affair with her supervising partner wasn't the strangest thing Ashley had ever done. The firm's partners came to her house, and she saw them drunk, and she knew their spouses. She'd given a judge chewing gum after she vomited in their toilet once, and had a drunk barrister with marriage problems cry on her shoulder. Mary was Ashley's boss, but a friend in a way too, and dealing with complications like this was the smallest of the problems she had being with David. Ashley wasn't even certain that Mary would tell David. Mary played hard. She'd had to, to get where she was. The profession was rough, especially at a firm like this. Ashley had seen far too much of the nasty side of firm politics since she'd been with David. She avoided it, but knew how it worked. She knew Mary was as likely to keep this quiet, and hold it over Ashley, as she was to tell David. It wasn't dishonest, not really, and Ashley didn't resent it. It was just how everyone was. "It's over?" Mary said. "Completely over?" Ashley nodded. "You're not leaving David? You're going to stay with him?" "I was always going to stay," Ashley said. Mary seemed to be thinking. "David's been a friend for longer than you've been alive," she said. "I know. Are you going to tell him?" Silence for a moment. "Perhaps," Mary said. "It depends what you say now." "Yeah," Ashley said. "I thought it might." "I'd have second thoughts too," Mary said. "If I was your age. With someone his age." "I'm not having second thoughts." "You're having something." "I was having something, but I'm not any more, and it wasn't second thoughts." "Did you care about the other man?" "Not at all," Ashley said. "You love David?" "Always. Completely." "So why? Just sex?" "Not even that. Just because." "So there's no problem," Mary said. "End it..." "I have." "...And don't again." "I'm not going to." Mary looked at Ashley for a while. Ashley wanted to tell her to stop. "You will," Mary said. "Once someone does, they always do again." Ashley wasn't sure if she should be offended. "I started off in divorce law," Mary said. "Believe me. You will again. You know you can now. You know the possibility's there. You know you're smart enough to get away with it, and there's something inside you, some nasty thing, that means you want to do it." Ashley had no idea what to say. "You'll want to again," Mary said. "Eventually. So don't." Ashley nodded. "And don't tell him," Mary said. "I'm not going to, and you shouldn't either." "All right," Ashley said. "Thank you." "You'll feel like you want to, but ignore that. Let him keep pretending everything's fine." Ashley nodded slowly, not completely sure. "Trust me," Mary said. "Let this go. Pretend it didn't happen, and in a month you won't even think about it. But tell David, and in thirty years he'll still be looking at you suspiciously." "I know," Ashley said. "Yes. I will. Can we stop now?" Mary smiled, and held out a file, and said, "I'm just trying to help." * "Have you been sleeping with someone else?" David said. Ashley stopped where she was. It was out the blue, as she got home. She had just closed the door, and come down the hall. David was on the sofa. She looked at him, and decided that no matter what else, she wasn't going to lie, not directly. She loved him. She was a monster, and had done a terrible thing, but she loved him and she wasn't going to lie. She went over and sat down. "I'm sorry." "Who?" "You don't know him." "Just one?" She nodded. "Once?" "A couple of times." "Are you still?" She shook her head. "I don't know what was wrong with me." He looked at her. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really am. I was fucked up and confused and everything with us just overwhelms me sometimes." He was angry, but he never showed his anger. He got up, and left the room, and she let him go. She wondered if she should start packing now. It was her home too, but she was the newcomer. She should just go, if he wanted her to. If this ended them. She sat there for a moment, then decided she cared enough to try. She had to try. She followed him, and found him in the bedroom, sitting on the bed. "I never promised you I wouldn't sleep with anyone else," she said from the doorway. "I said that, right at the beginning." "At the beginning," he said. "Yeah." "I never took it back. I never said it had changed." "I know, Ash," he said. "This is all my fault. I just assumed it had." "That isn't what I mean." "I know." "I'm fucking twenty-three," she said. "I'm not ready for this. For all this." He looked at her, thinking. "Can you promise me that now? That there won't be anyone else?" She stood there for a while. "I don't know." "For god's sake, Ashley..." "You don't want me to lie, right? I've never lied to you and I never will." "Except this." "I didn't lie," Ashley said. "I didn't tell you where I was, but I never lied. I was careful about that. I didn't say I was somewhere I wasn't, or with someone I wasn't." "And if I'd asked?" "I don't know. I think I'd have been honest. Like I was just now." "Even if I'd only asked how your day had been?" She shrugged, not sure what he meant. "If I'd asked something casual," he said. "How was your day? You'd have said great, you had some sex with someone else?" Ashley looked at him for a while, then said, "No." A long silence. Ashley felt like her heart was going to break. She went over and sat on the bed too. "I don't know if I can be with you like this," David said. "If you might do this again." "Yeah," Ashley said. "That's fair enough." "You can't try?" "I'll try. Of course I'll try. But I'm being completely honest. You need a promise, right? Like one I'll never break, no matter what." He nodded. "I'm twenty-three. I can't make a promise like that, not that'll be there for years and years." "Yeah," he said. "I do understand." She looked at him, wondering if that was true. "I do," he said. "I expected this, when we started." "You didn't trust me?" "I trusted you. I trust you now. I just expected something like this." "I didn't lie," Ashley said. "I know." Another silence. David still seemed too calm. After a while Ashley took his hand. "Can we think about this?" she said. "Try and think how to make us work?" "We know how to make us work. Don't sleep with other people." "I'm not going to promise you something I don't know I can keep. I can't do that." He nodded. "I don't want to lose you," Ashley said. "Or I you." "You'll have to throw me out," Ashley said. "If you want me to go. I won't leave on my own. Not ever." "I couldn't," David said. Ashley looked at him, hopeful. "That's good, right? If you won't and I won't, then we should be okay. We're stuck with each other." "No," he said. "Eventually you'll change your mind. You'll leave because staying hurts too much." She didn't know what to say. He didn't seem angry, just sad. So painfully sad he was calm, was logical, just thinking out loud and not even trying to hurt her. "I'll hate myself for stifling you," David said. "And you'll hate yourself for hurting me, and in the end it will all be too much. You'll go because I won't." "No," Ashley said. "You will because that way it hurts us both less, in the end. Not because you want to." "I promise..." Ashley said, then stopped. She didn't know what she was promising. "I promise I'll try as long as I can," she said, which wasn't what she had been going to say at first. "I know you will," David said. "We'll be okay. I want us to be okay." "We won't be," he said. "We won't even hate each other at end, probably. Or be angry. We'll just realize it hurts less to be apart." Ashley wanted to cry. She wanted to hold him, and say she was sorry again and again, and cry. She stayed where she was, silently, mainly to punish herself. Stayed there with him, and his terribly hurt, grave mood, knowing she had caused it, and hurting too. Later she went and made dinner, because that seemed useful. Later still, when she undressed for bed, he looked at her a little sadly, as though her being naked was reminding him of what he'd lost. Which didn't make sense, because he hadn't lost anything, but she understood what he felt. She tried to hold him as they lay in the darkness together, but he kept rolling over, shifting away, until she gave up. He'd never tried to avoid her in bed before. * Ashley didn't sleep well. She didn't think David had either. She woke five or six times, and each time his breathing was wrong, his body too stiff. He was awake too. She would have tried to talk again, but she didn't know what she could say. The next morning, as they ate breakfast, David said, "It's the idea of it, isn't it? Making this promise. It isn't that you particularly want to. It's that you don't want to promise you never will again." "I think so." "Everyone thinks that at one time or another." "Oh," Ashley said. She hadn't actually realized. "What do other people do?" David shrugged. "Lie, usually. Say they never will again, when they aren't sure they mean it." "I don't want to," she said. "I don't want us to be like that." He looked at her. "We've got this far," Ashley said. "By being honest. Even now, with this." "I suppose so." "You trust me, don't you?" she said. "That I won't lie to you. No matter what else." After a while he said, "Yes." "So that's good. We should keep that." "I want to keep that." Ashley smiled, and wanted to cry. "And us?" she said. "Of course I want to keep us." "Me too," Ashley said. "Of fuck, me too. I wasn't sure you'd changed your mind." He shook his head, and squeezed her hand, and then she did sniff, a few times. "So what do we do?" David said. "I don't know. But we need to do something." "You could just not," he said. "Not do it, ever." "I can't promise that," she said. "I can't. Not if I'm not going to lie to you." They sat there for a while. "It's no-one particular," he said. "Right? Just the idea that you could, if you wanted to." She nodded. "I suppose." "So if there were rules. If I said it was okay, but never anyone from work, or only ever on holiday?" "You'd do that?" "I'm asking if you would." "Not if you weren't okay with it." "But if I was. And if there were rules. Would you stick to them?" "Yes," she said. "Of course I would. If that was what we'd agreed." "You'd stick to it absolutely? No matter what the circumstances, no matter how much you liked someone particular you couldn't have?" Ashley thought. "Yeah," she said. "If there was some other thing out there, some other place or person I could wait for, then yes I would. I'd wait for that. Is this what you want to do?" "Let me think it through," he said. "Just let me talk this out." They were lawyers, Ashley thought. They were both lawyers, and they solved problems all day, and this was really just a very complicated problem that mattered a lot to them. "Okay," she said. "Of course. So what, I go away every year on my own and get it out my system?" "I'd hope not every year." "But sometimes? And that would be okay?" "Let me think about it." She nodded slowly. She stayed quiet for a while, but he didn't say anything else. "I'd tell you," she said. "Or not. Whatever you wanted me to do. Tell you first, or not tell you ever. If you were willing to do this for me." "Yeah," he said. "I think I'd want you to tell me." "It wouldn't hurt you?" He shrugged. "Could you cope with that? Me going away, and I'm utterly yours the rest of the time?" "Let me think about it," he said. "All right. Let me think this over." She nodded, and put her plate in the sink, and went to get ready for work. * Life seemed to go back to normal, but Ashley wasn't sure it had. She worked, and David worked, and they came home, and talked for an hour and went to sleep. Their lives were busy, and they didn't have much time outside their jobs. David didn't mention anything more about his idea, or about her affair, and they didn't have sex either, but she hadn't expected they would, not so quickly. He didn't ask her to leave, and that was all she needed for now. Occasionally Ashley wondered how David had found out. Whether he'd just decided to ask on his own, or if Mary had said something, but she decided she didn't want to know. She spent enough of her life around lies and half-truths that she didn't want more. Ashley's Deal Everything was out in the open now. It needed fixing, and she was deeply sorry, but it was in the open and would get resolved, in time, and that was what mattered. She thought she understood why David had suggested his odd arrangement. It meant he wouldn't be surprised. Cheating hurt, but the surprise was worse. The surprise made you powerless. Ashley hated to feel powerless, and she thought David did too. She understood why David would go this far to make sure it didn't happen again. Two nights later, David came home and said, "Have you ever been with another woman?" "Not really," Ashley said. "Why?" "Have you?" "Maybe." "That's not an answer." "Sort of. Why?" "To fix this. To solve this problem." "What, a free run at chicks, if I leave guys alone?" "Essentially." Ashley sat there. She was on the sofa, had been reading papers for tomorrow. She leaned forward, pushed the files onto the coffee table. "Any woman?" she said. "And that would be okay?" He nodded. "I think I'm okay with that," Ashley said. "Oh," David said, and seemed surprised. "What," she said. "It's a pretty good way around it all, isn't it? It's practical." "And you are actually attracted to women?" "We'll see. But if that's what I get, it's what I get." He kept looking at her. "I've thought I might be before," she said. "I've never checked. But that isn't the point, really, is it." "Isn't it?" "It's not like I want anyone else particular," she said. Not definitely. I just want a possibility. As far as we've worked this out. So this way, the possibility's there. It doesn't matter if I actually do it." "And you'll stick to it? You won't change your mind and decide you don't like women after all, so you'll do the same thing but with a man?" "I don't think so." "Because it seems like this is starting something. That agreeing to a little makes everything else all right. So you could tell yourself that if a woman is fine, then a man would be too. And then we're back where we started." "No," Ashley said. "It isn't like that." "You're sure? You completely understand that?" "Yeah," she said. "Actually I do." He looked at her, and seemed to be thinking. "Are you sure you're okay with it," Ashley said. "I think I am." "You shouldn't be." "I know, but I am." Ashley wanted to ask why, but she didn't want to push him. She didn't want talk him out of this by questioning his judgment. It wasn't like she was going to go out and do this tomorrow, anyway. She might lose interest. She might never do this. They were planning for years from now, and she could ask David why when the time came. All she wanted to do right now was fix them. "Not sure?" David said. "Nah," she said. "Just thinking. It all comes down to whether I want to sleep with women, doesn't it." "Do you?" "Maybe. I'll find out." She looked at him for a moment. "So if we agree on this, we'll be better? We agree I fucked up, really badly, and you forgive me, and I'll never do it again. I'll never not tell you again." "Of course." "So you'll stop looking at me sadly and be happy like you used to?" Silence. "Will you?" she said. "Yeah." "You'll forgive me?" "I already have." "And be happy?" "I will." "I don't think I can't agree to the same thing back," Ashley said. "I don't think I'm okay with you and another guy." "That's fine." "Or any other deal. No other women for you." "I know. But it's you we need to fit this around. You're enough for me." "That doesn't seem fair. All this, because I won't make promises to you. When you have to me." He shrugged. "Because I might want a fling," she said. "You're my fling. I already had it. You're it, and I'm done, and I'm grateful I can try and keep you forever. Now we just need to manage your fling, and get past it too." Ashley understood, but it still didn't seem right. "It isn't fair," she said. "I'm asking much more of you than you are of me." "I'm done. I really am. There won't be anyone for me after you." "What do you mean?" "We haven't talked about this," David said, "But we should." "So don't," she said, suddenly realizing what he was about to say. "I'm probably going to die before you." "I said don't..." "It's true." "But don't talk about it. Even now." "I need to talk about it now. I'm twenty-seven years older than you, so I'll probably die before you." "David, for fuck's sake..." "So if you think of it as an investment of time and effort and love, you're getting the bad deal. You put the same effort in, but you get fewer years back." "Stop it," she said. "I don't think about it like that." "Because you aren't that calculating. So I will. Here's another thing. If we stay together, from here on in, we're ahead of everyone else who got to this point and separated." "I thought we were staying together." "We are. This is just talking. Every day we have from now on is extra. Other people would have stopped here, and we aren't going to, so we're both ahead. Both of us, not one of us giving the other more." "Stop," she said. "I hate this." "I'm not unhappy," David said. "I don't think this is a bad arrangement. Don't feel like I do." "Okay." "Now I've stopped." Ashley sat there. "Don't talk about dying again," she said. "Okay?" "All right." "I really fucking love you," she said. "You know that, right? Like no-one I ever met before, and probably like I never will again. You're it. You're the one. And I'm an idiot and a selfish bitch, and you deserve better than me." "You're not and I don't." She shrugged. "I love you too Ashley, I do." "And this thing," she said. "I'll do my best. I'll do my utmost. I promise I'll try. And I promise that if I realize I'm about to fuck up again, I'll tell you. So you know the rules are changing. So you can decide if I'm still worth it, and what we do. Is that enough?" He nodded. "You can trust me," Ashley said. "If I make this promise, if I make any promise, I'll keep it." "I know." "I never said I wouldn't sleep with other people," she said. "You assumed, and it was reasonable to assume, but I never said it." "I understand." "All I did was not tell you when I should have, and that's not as bad." "It's not." "Okay," she said. "So we're going to do this? Make it like a rule?" "If you want to. If you can stick to it." "I can. Absolutely I can. Can you?" He nodded. "Yeah." "Then I'm promising you now. I won't sleep with any other men, ever again. No matter what." He kissed her gently, said, "Thank you." That was enough. She sat there for a while, and hugged him, and pressed her face into his shoulder. It was right. They fit. They might make odd deals, but the were a good couple. After a while she said, "Want to come to a strip club with me?" He looked at her. "Come on," she said. "If I'm going to sleep with chicks, I'd better make sure I actually like them." He didn't answer. "I'm serious," Ashley said. "It's weird and a bit creepy, but I think I'd like you to." After a while, he grinned. "All right." Chapter Two Two years passed, and Ashley didn't sleep with anyone else. She was busy with work. She had a full life. She had her deal, and that meant she didn't need to prove anything to herself, and she suspected sometimes that was what David intended all along. That the deal was an outlet, like a safety valve that would never actually be used. She did look at women sometimes, and wonder, but she never did anything. She never met the right person, the one she wanted enough to make confronting the consequences worthwhile. Because there might be consequences, even now. She wasn't sure David would react as calmly as he thought he would, if she ever put him to the test. When she did think about their deal, she didn't know what to think. Sometimes it made her seem selfish, and quite a horrible person. Someone who wanted her own way even if it hurt other people. Sometimes she thought it was a good thing. That she and David were both pragmatic, and this was a sensible solution to a problem that could have wrecked them, but instead had made their relationship stronger. She didn't know what to think, so usually she didn't think about it at all. They were still together, and she didn't think many other couples like them still would be, and that made it worthwhile. Two years passed, and then Ashley was in a car accident, and suddenly everything was different. * Ashley was in her car, driving to work, and there was a truck in the lane next to her. She had been watching the truck because it was wobbling a bit, not staying on its side of the white line. It was rusty and dented, and had chipped paint, like it had hit a lot of things before. She could see the driver, up in the cab. He was on the phone, and seemed to be looking down at something inside the truck. He wasn't watching the road. Ashley stopped for a red light, and the truck didn't. Ashley had no time to think what to do. She stopped, and the truck kept going. It hit a car coming the other way, spun that car into Ashley's, and braked then, far too late. Ashley noticed the brake lights come on just as she felt the thud of the other car hitting hers. She didn't hear anything, which was odd, just silence. She spun around, spun sideways, and wondered what was going to happen now. She was calm. She was faintly surprised. She looked straight ahead, out her windscreen, and into the other car. There was a woman there looking back at her. A woman with short messy hair, short polished nails, and lots and lots of dark eye makeup. Stunning eyes. Eyes you noticed, even from the next car over, during an accident. It was an odd thing to notice, Ashley thought, someone else's makeup and eyes, since they might both be about to die. The woman in the other car was looking at Ashley too. She saw Ashley looking, and smiled. She seemed as surprised as Ashley was, as unhurt as Ashley was. She raised one hand in a slight wave. They must both be in shock, Ashley decided. They were grinning at each other and waving as their cars spun around and around. They spun several times, and Ashley stopped with a sudden crunch. That hurt, although the rest hadn't. She had hit a traffic light pole. She saw it coming towards her slowly, like it was slow motion, saw the door beside her elbow bulging inwards, saw the plastic lining buckle and crack. The window starred, then shattered into diamond flecks. The windscreen shattered too. The airbags in her car went off and hid the view of the other car. She was still quite calm. She didn't think she'd made a sound through the whole thing. Once her car had stopped moving, Ashley looked down and herself and decided she wasn't hurt. Her neck was sore, and one arm was too, where it had hit against the door. She climbed out her car. The other car was twisted into hers, and the traffic light poles too. There were a little cluster of poles, holding lights facing different ways. Ashley had hit one, and the other car another. It looked pretty bad. The metal of both cars was crumpled like little balls of paper, their airbags out and windows gone. Ashley was suddenly worried. She might have been lucky, and the other driver not. She took a step towards the other car, and then the door opened and the woman stepped out. She didn't seem hurt either. They looked at each other. "Shit," Ashley said. "That was fun." The woman grinned. "Are you okay?" "I think so. But fuck." The woman smiled. "Hold on." She got out a phone, dialed, said police, then that there'd been an accident, she didn't think anyone was badly hurt, but they'd need tow trucks and there was glass and shit all over the road. Ashley was staring at her while she talked. At her eyes. "Hey," the woman said. "What's up. Are you okay?" "I'm okay." "You look a bit odd. You're staring." "You're beautiful," Ashley said. "You're fucking gorgeous." "Ah, what?" "Don't do that, you fucking are," Ashley said. The other woman seemed to think about that. After a moment she held out her hand. "I'm Rose." "Ashley." They shook, and Ashley didn't want to let go. Rose tried to pull her hand free, and Ashley held on. "I want you," Ashley said. "You're hitting on me?" Rose said. "Now?" "I don't know. Maybe." "It kind of seems like it." Ashley just stood there. She didn't know why she was acting like this. It wasn't like her, but she'd just had a shock, so perhaps that was why. She thought a little more. She did actually want Rose. She didn't know why, and she'd never thought it would actually come to this, but right now she wanted Rose. She was wet. It was odd, and slightly icky, but she'd got wet touching Rose. Maybe it was the accident. Maybe it was the shock, and worrying she might die. She wanted Rose, and she didn't even really know how she'd do anything about that. She was still standing there, staring. Just assuming Rose would want her back. She stopped and thought and realized how unlikely that probably was. "Sorry," Ashley said. "I didn't mean..." Rose shrugged. "Sorry," Ashley said. "Are you sure you're okay?" Rose said. "You might have hit your head." "I'm fine." "No, I mean," Rose pointed to Ashley's face. "You have hit your head. You've got blood on you." Ashley lifted a hand, and touched her forehead. It felt wet. She rubbed two fingers together, looked down, saw blood. She could taste it in her mouth, too, now she thought about it. Her bag was still in her car, so she used the cuff of her shirt to dab at her cheek. "Sit down," Rose said. After a moment, Ashley did. Rose held her arm, helped her down. She sat beside her car, and leaned on the door. The truck driver came running up. "Are you okay..." "Fuck off mate," Rose said, without looking away from Ashley. "I just..." "Fuck off. Go stand over there." "I..." "Go." "You don't need to be a cunt," the driver said. Rose turned around, and walked over to him. She said something quietly, something soft and vicious that made the driver walk away, looking ill. She came back and knelt beside Ashley. "What did you say?" Ashley said. "Nah, nothing much. Told him he shouldn't be talking to us, that he'll have to deal with the police and insurance people and any contact now makes him look bad." "He was just checking we were okay." "Yeah, I know," Rose said, "But he almost killed us both, and I'm so angry I could fucking smack him into the head or something. He was on the phone as he came through the light. I don't think he even saw me." Ashley realized Rose was a bit pale too, that one of her hands was shaking. "Maybe you should sit down too." "I'm okay," Rose said, then changed her mind and did. She sat next to Ashley, and leaned on Ashley's car too. Ashley took her hand, and held it. Rose let her, squeezed for a moment. "I meant what I said," Ashley said. "Good." "I think I meant what I said." Rose looked at her and grinned. Ashley knew she was behaving oddly, and she wasn't sure why. She had a crush, or she'd had a scare, or something. Perhaps she wanted to make use of the deal before she died, and had suddenly realized that dying could happen any time. Perhaps she just wanted Rose and her eyes. Ashley looked around. Cars were stopping It was a main road, two lanes, no houses nearby, just high fences. The truck driver was standing a little way away, watching. He was in the middle of the road, and didn't seem to know what to do. He was still holding his phone in one hand, but he didn't seem to have actually used it to get help. Ashley could smell tar and car exhaust and could hear a bird. She could hear people talking, but it all seemed far away. She looked around. A few people were watching her, but didn't seem to be doing anything. Sitting in their cars, or standing beside open doors. Ashley didn't know what to do either. She watched the sky instead. It was blue. It was a warm day. There were a few clouds. She heard sirens, getting closer. A police car stopped, and started organizing people. "I'll go talk to them," Rose said, and stood up. There was another siren in the distance. Ashley felt tired. She felt relieved for some reason, now the police were here. Someone would be in charge and organize things. She closed her eyes. She could remember how calm Rose had seemed through the windscreen. How calm she had felt. She missed that serene moment, just sitting there spinning around. Life seemed more complicated now. Her face hurt, and her arm hurt, and she wasn't sure why she was behaving so strangely. After a while she heard a radio nearby, and someone was touching her shoulder, asking if she was all right. A man, asking her name. She told him. She looked up, straight ahead, and saw another police officer talking to the truck driver. "It was his fault," Ashley said. "The truck's. Don't believe him." "It's okay," the nearer cop said. "We can worry about that later." An ambulance arrived, and they made Ashley move, and sit in the back. The paramedics shone torches in her eyes and asked if she was okay. They seemed to be worried about concussion. Ashley said she hadn't hit her head, and the ambulance people said that didn't matter, she had an injury to her face, and besides, she might not remember hitting her head. They said it like they had arguments like this with pretty much everyone they talked to. They wanted to take her to hospital, but Ashley said no, she was fine, just get her a taxi and she'd go to work. They weren't sure, but she insisted. She said she'd just got glass or something on her face and it had stopped bleeding. A tow-truck turned up and someone came and asked if she wanted her car taken away. She said yes, take it. She went and got her bag, and some papers she needed for a meeting, and her suit jacket. She couldn't think of anything else she needed urgently. The tow truck driver gave her a piece of paper saying where the car was going. A taxi turned up, and stopped across the other side of the road, away from the broken glass. Rose was still with the police, talking. She seemed to have everything under control. Ashley went over and said, "Hey, I have a meeting. I need to go." One of the cops said that was okay, they'd just need her name. Ashley gave them her card, gave one to Rose too and said, "Phone me, okay?" Rose said she would. "Do," Ashley said. "Seriously," and Rose nodded. Ashley wanted to say something more. That she meant what she'd said, that she didn't know how they'd fuck but she wanted to try, something to make sure Rose understood what Ashley was offering. She wanted to tell her that, but she didn't say a word. There were cops nearby, listening, and a paramedic too. "Please do," Ashley said, and went and got in the taxi. * Ashley went to work. She had blood on her sleeve and a cut on her face, and got a bit of attention. She sent Mia, her assistant out for a new shirt, because she'd already worn the spares she had in her office. She sat down at her desk for a moment, then decided she'd better go and see David before someone told him she'd been in a car wreck and he panicked. She went to her door, and heard David coming. He got loud when he was worried. He was arguing with his PA, arguing with anyone who got in his way, with the whole world. She loved him. She really loved him. He hugged her and kissed her then suddenly looked horrified and moved back and asked if she was okay. She was. Her ribs were bruised from the seatbelt, and she'd thumped her knee on the dashboard so it hurt to walk, but that was all. David seemed worried. He asked if she wanted the day off, if she needed to sit down. She said no, she had a meeting at eleven, that she'd be fine. Ashley's Deal He understood that. That was their thing, both cared more about careers than anything else. He stayed with her for ten minutes while his PA hovered at the door, saying he had a conference call, then kissed her and said he'd see her tonight and went back up to his office. Ashley sat at her desk and thought about what she'd said to Rose. That Ashley wanted her, that Rose was hot. Maybe she had concussion, or maybe she'd just had a fright. Or maybe she'd had a fright and that was enough to make her say something that was actually true. She'd never said anything like that to anyone before, not even to a man. She'd never been so direct. Perhaps that meant something. Or perhaps it was just a bang on the head. * Life went back to normal. Ashley untangled her insurance, and got a new car, and the police came and took a statement. She worked, and the cut on her face healed, and she thought about Rose almost every day. Thought about Rose, and about the deal with David, and masturbated twice in the shower imagining what sex with Rose might be like. She regretted not having found out who Rose was. Not getting a card of her own. She touched herself, and had little daydreams in meetings, and tried to work out exactly how she could tell David she did want to use their deal after all. And for three weeks she didn't hear from Rose. She had almost decided Rose wasn't going to call, that Ashley had been too weird, or too pushy, or Rose just wasn't interested, because probably most people weren't, when Rose phoned. She said it was Rose from the car crash, that Ashley had given her a card, and Ashley almost dropped the phone, and her mouth went dry, and she didn't know what to say. "I did," Ashley said in the end. She looked at the wall in front of her and thought about green eyes, and felt like she was about to start an affair. "I just wondered how you were. If you were okay?" "I'm fine. You?" "Oh yeah, fine." Silence for a moment. "Hey, um," Rose said. "This is a bit weird, but I know someone who's having a party, open bar and shit. I wondered if you wanted to go." Ashley didn't know what to say. "Yeah," Rose said, after a moment. "Sorry. Look, I must have misunderstood..." "No," Ashley said. "Not at all. Just... shit, when is it? I need to check my book." "Your book?" "My dairy. Just give me a sec." She threw a pencil at the window between her and Mia. She knew it pissed Mia off whenever she did it, but needed her straight away. Mia opened the door looking annoyed. "My book," Ashley said to Mia, and, "When is it?" into the phone. "Saturday." Mia was mucking around, was still not back. Fuck it, Ashley thought. "Yeah, I'd love to." "You're free?" She had no idea, because she couldn't see her diary. One huge advantage to her and David both working in the same building was Mia and his David's PA could put all their weekend social crap into both their diaries together. Probably Ashley was free, and if she wasn't, it would probably just be one of David's partner things, so she could slip out if she needed to. "I'm good. Where is it?" Rose told her, said she'd be there by nine, and that she'd find Ashley there. Ashley wanted to tell her she'd meant what she said at the accident, but Rose was gone before she could. * Ashley had a dinner with some of David's friends the night of Rose's party. She looked at the name and was pretty sure it was one of David's law school friends, now at one of the other big firms. She could leave early. A lot of David's friends still weren't completely comfortable around Ashley, even after all this time. No-one ever called her a trophy or talked down to her, but there was something there, a distance. Since she'd been with David, she didn't really have friends. She worked a lot, enough that she lost touch with college people and should have been becoming close to her new colleagues. She couldn't, because they all knew who she was living with, and in their heads she could whisper a name in bed at night and have them fired. For her part, she could never forget they might be using her, pretending to like her so they could get a line to the partners. It made her life lonely. No-one asked her to do anything after work, or went to lunch with her, and especially no-one flirted with her while they made coffee. She worked harder instead. Ashley had Mia talk to David's PA and see if they could move the dinner a little earlier, and when she next checked, later that afternoon, the time had changed. "Hey," she said to David that night. "I'm going to a party after dinner on Saturday." "Us or you?" he said. "I thought me. It's the woman from the car crash. Someone's having a party, she thought I might want to go. Its probably not your kind of thing." He nodded because it was true. "Have fun," he said. Then he stopped and looked at her for a while. "This woman?" he said. "Is it going to be this woman?" Ashley hesitated. "Maybe," she said. "I don't know." "Oh," he said. "Finally." "Is that okay?" "I think it is." "You didn't expect this?" "Not really, no." "I'll just see. I'll find out." "Of course," he said, and kissed her. She looked at him for a while and wondered if she should ask if he was sure. She wondered if he was still sure, if he still wanted her to do this. She didn't think he'd tell her if he'd changed his mind. David stuck to his deals. Even if he hated the thought of it now, he wouldn't ask her to stop. She wasn't sure if she was taking advantage of him by not checking. She looked at him, watching him read, and was fairly sure he didn't care. He didn't seem to be hiding anything, didn't seem worried. She wasn't sure how she felt, going off to meet a woman perhaps to have sex, but David didn't care, so Ashley decided she shouldn't, either. * Ashley wasn't sure what to wear to Rose's party, but she had to overdress for David's friends. Being with David made everything complicated. If she didn't look classy and older, she looked like a trophy, and that would stay with her forever. She might need to ask any of these people for a job one day, or to negotiate with them for a client tomorrow. At nine she stood up and excused herself and said it was nice to see everyone again. David went with her to the door, and said quietly, "I love you. A lot." "Me too," she said. "And thank you. For this." "I hope it goes well," he said. "Whatever it is you want to happen." "I'm really not sure." "You'll work it out," he said, and kissed her. "Have fun." She looked at him and decided he really meant it. "I love you," she said. "I really do." She put on her coat, asked the waiter to being her another bottle of the red, not to open it, and took it with her, in case it was that kind of party. * Ashley had been a student the last time she went to a party that wasn't to do with work, and she still almost expected people passed out in bushes out the front. She'd been a bit worried she wouldn't fit in, or that wine was the wrong thing to bring, but she wanted to see Rose, and went anyway. There were cars in the street. Some noise, but mostly voices, outside around the back. It wasn't that different to what she was used to. Soft jazz and voices rather than pounding bass and annoyed neighbors. The front door was open, so she walked in and said to the nearest person that Rose had invited her. No-one seemed to care. There was a big open room full of people, noisy and crowded and fun. A smallish house, a few rooms closed off and a few too many people in those that were left, a shortage of places to sit so people were on the stairs and the floor and were taking other people's spots when they moved. It was summer, the night was warm, so there were party dresses and lots of bare skin. Ashley was suddenly glad she'd worn what she had. She edged her way through the crowd, looking for Rose. There was a self-serve bar on the kitchen counter. She left the wine and poured a vodka into a glass. She was nervous, not knowing anyone, and it had been a long time since she walked in a room of strangers like this. She wondered where to look for Rose. The stairs were crowded, and the rooms inside were packed. She decided try outside, because it was easier to get to, and started wriggling through the crowd. The deck was big. There was more space out here. A few smokers standing around, and a faint smell of pot too. A couple were making out in the shadows. There was a view of the lights below them, and of other houses through the trees on the scrubby hillside. There was some light from inside, but otherwise it was dim. Ashley looked around, and found Rose. She was a little surprised it had been that easy. Although maybe Rose had been waiting somewhere she could be easily found. Rose was wearing jeans and a tee shirt. She was sitting on deck's railing, holding a beer bottle, smoking a cigarette, and talking to the guy next to her. There was quite a high drop behind her, but she didn't seem bothered. She had the same kind of make-up as in the car, all heavy and dark around her eyes, hardly any otherwise. Ashley was surprised by the cigarette. She hadn't been around anyone who smoked in years. Ashley went over and said, "Hey." Rose smiled, and kept smiling for a bit too long. "I didn't know if you'd come." "I had a dinner thing. But I'm here." "In your diary?" Ashley looked at Rose. She wasn't sure what that meant, why it was worth saying, but she supposed not everyone was as ruled by their calendars as lawyers were. "Yeah, in my diary." Rose grinned. "Nice dress. You look good." "Thanks. You smoke." "I do." Ashley realized they'd been staring at each other, and glanced around for the guy, but he seemed to have wandered off. "I didn't see him go," she said. "Me neither." "So yeah," Ashley said. "I'm here." "You are." "I'm here and I still mean everything I said the other week." Rose looked at her, and smiled, and said, "Okay." Just okay. Not that Ashley had made a mistake. Not that Rose didn't care. That was a good sign, Ashley thought. Ashley stood in front of Rose and looked at her eyes. Rose didn't seem to mind, just sipped her drink and looked at Ashley and seemed to be thinking. Ashley still wasn't completely sure why she was here. She wasn't sure what she planned to do with Rose, or how much she wanted from her. She wasn't sure what Rose wanted either, and still had an awful feeling Rose might just be being friendly. Except Rose had thought Ashley was hitting on her at the accident, and was here anyway, so she couldn't just think it was friendly. Unless she was polite. Ashley had never been hit on by a woman as strongly as she was hitting on Rose, but she'd always liked to think she wouldn't be offended, even if she wasn't interested. Kind and maybe amused, she'd hoped, but not offended. Exactly like Rose was being right now. Ashley wasn't sure what she was feeling, but something was there. A spark. Enough Ashley wanted to try. Enough Rose was the one woman in two years Ashley seemed to want to chase. "You could sit down," Rose said. Ashley glanced at the drop and shook her head. "Okay," Rose said. "Or not." Ashley looked at Rose. At her eyes. She thought about what she'd felt right after the accident, and the things she'd said. She thought about not being sure she was even here for sex. But that she wanted to be here for sex. She thought about taking chances, and that she had nothing to lose, and she thought about how she was still thinking about Rose, undecided. Still thinking must mean something. She felt something quite complicated about Rose, and complicated was a small step from needing, and that must mean something too. She thought about kissing Rose, and realized she wanted to. So, she thought, she might as well get it over with. Try, and see what happened. All Rose could do was slap her, and say no. Ashley leaned forward and kissed Rose. Kissed her as carefully, and slowly, and tenderly as she could. Rose tasted of warmth and smoke and beer, and she put her hand on Ashley's neck, and kissed Ashley back. Ashley was actually surprised. Rose opened her mouth, and Ashley did too and then got interested enough she stopped worrying about the details. Rose sat on the edge of a cliff and kissed Ashley and made Ashley wet like she hadn't been from first meeting someone in years. They kissed for a while. They didn't touch any more than their mouths. Ashley decided this was a bit public, eventually, and stepped back. "So there is a thing here," Rose said. "I wasn't sure." "There's a thing. I think." "I wasn't sure if you were really hitting on me. Or just concussed." "I wasn't either. I'm still not." Rose kept looking at her. "There's something you should know," Ashley said. "I live with my boyfriend." Rose waited. Not annoyed, Ashley thought, but waiting. Definitely waiting. "It's complicated," Ashley said. "But it doesn't make any difference. Not to this." "It makes a difference." "He doesn't mind. If it's a girl." "It still makes a difference," Rose said, and just sat there, Rose wasn't telling her to go away, and Ashley didn't know what to do next. She kissed Rose again. It was as hot and breathless and tingly as the first time. Rose put her arm around Ashley, and Ashley stroked the tops of Rose's legs, through her jeans, and felt warmth and hard muscle. "You have a boyfriend," Rose said. "No bullshit." "Yep." "And he really doesn't mind?" "Nope." "It's not just that you don't tell him?" "I tell him." "I don't think I'd really be into him being there." "It's not like that." "Oh." Ashley kissed her again. To stop her asking so many questions. "I want you," Ashley said into Rose's mouth, "I really fucking want you." They stopped kissing again. Rose stopped. Ashley stood there and looked at her and Rose looked around. At the people, at the lights. "Not sure?" Ashley said. "Because of the boyfriend thing?" "Pretty sure." Silence for a moment. "You okay?" Ashley said. "Yep." Rose sat. Ashley looked at her and started feeling nervous. Because this was new, and she didn't actually know how to do this with a woman, and because she might be about to be turned down. To stop herself thinking, she kissed Rose again, put her hands underneath Rose's shirt, scraped her nails lightly up and down Rose's back. "Wait," Rose said. "Not here." Ashley looked around. There was a path off the deck, down the side of the house. "Down there?" Rose nodded. They went down the path. Carefully, feeling their way. Rose went first, had flat shoes. Ashley took hers off, felt sharp stones underfoot. Then cool grass. It was dark, hard to see. They stopped where it was darker, and leaned against a wall. They didn't touch. Ashley wasn't sure what was going on here, or what she was meant to do. She hadn't tried to seduce a woman before. Saying so was probably a good way to start. "You're so fucking hot I want to cry," she said. Rose grinned. "You talk too much." More kissing. Rose was more comfortable down here, Ashley thought. Away from her friends, who might be watching. She was touching more, stroking Ashley's arms and hair. Ashley was more comfortable as well, without an audience. She kissed Rose's neck, licked it slowly, made Rose's breath go all uneven and loud in Ashley's ear. "Wait," Rose said. "Hold on a bit." Ashley stopped. "Just slow down a bit, okay," Rose said. Because of David, Ashley assumed. Rose's reluctance was a little odd. Ashley had thought she was throwing herself at someone, and that was enough. Maybe Rose needed to be talked into it too. Ashley nodded and moved back a little. Rose got cigarettes out of her pocket, got a lighter. Her hands were trembling just a little bit. She held up a cigarette. "Do you care?" "Nope. You okay?" "Yeah. Just..." "Not expecting that?" Rose nodded. "I don't know you." "Do you need to?" Rose shrugged. Rose lit the cigarette, and still had shaky hands. "Let's walk somewhere." They went further down the garden, to a fence. There was a pool behind it, round and landscaped and tiled. They could see over it from up on the slope. "Want a swim?" Ashley said. Rose looked at the house they'd come from, at the next door house. "I'm pretty sure that's the neighbors pool." "Maybe," Ashley said. "There's a fence." "You have to have a fence, don't you?" "It's closer to the house next door." "So?" Ashley said. "You want to break in..." "Not break. Climb the fence." "That's trespassing." "Yep. Want to or not?" Rose grinned, threw the end of the cigarette away. "Sure." * There was enough light from the moon and nearby houses to see what they were doing. The fence was high and wide. A wall. It was concrete, difficult to climb. "Shit," Ashley said, looking upwards. "Got another plan?" "Not really." Ashley walked along the wall, peering up at it. Rose followed. They stopped and kissed for a while. Ashley's back against the wall, Rose the one pushing forward now. Rose had strong arms. Ashley was touching them, feeling hard muscle in her shoulders. She moved her hands further. Rose felt fit. She almost had abs. There was muscle under Ashley's hands, not much softness. "Could you lift me up?" Ashley said. "Probably." "I could pull you up." "Yeah," Rose said. "I think I can get over on my own." Ashley looked at Rose. "So why not just do that." "Because you'll still be on the wrong side." "So lift me up first. Climb and then pull me up." Rose nodded, and looked up at the fence. Then jumped and pulled herself up. Just lifted, like a chin up, and rolled onto the top of the wall. Ashley was impressed. Rose lay along the top and reached back down. "I'll lift." "You'll lift me?" "Yep." Ashley held up her bag. "Hold that." Rose took it. "Don't throw it over," Ashley said. "I'm not stupid." Ashley reached up and grabbed Rose's hand. Rose pulled, hard, then suddenly let go. "You have to jump a little bit on your own," she said. "Sorry," Ashley said. "Try again." Rose heaved and this time Ashley scrambled up enough to pull herself onto the top of the fence. That was hot, Ashley thought. Rose hauling her up, being strong enough to do so, that turned her on. She didn't know why. "Okay," she said, "That wasn't so bad." They sat there, looking over at the water. It was dark and clear and looked cool. The air was warm, just muggy enough the water looked nice. "Think we can get back out if we jump down?" Ashley said. Rose grinned. "I can." "Think we'll get caught?" They looked up at the house. It was dark, and seemed a little way away. "Not if we're quiet," Rose said. Ashley nodded. "You know this is actually breaking the law, don't you?" Rose said. "Yep." "But we're going to?" "Yep." Rose slid down, then reached up and said, "Put your foot on my hands if you want." Ashley threw her bag down, then lowered herself, let Rose grab her foot, and slid down too. Then she looked up. "It looks higher from this side." "Yep." "Is there a gate?" "Don't think so." "Um. Fuck?" Ashley looked at Rose. Looked at the water. They went over to the edge of the pool. Ashley tried to walk quietly, which was easy in bare feet. Rose was being quiet too. The water was still, the moon quite bright. She could hear crickets, traffic, noise from the party next door. She looked at the house up above her. No curtains seemed open, no lights on. "Go on," Rose said. "You first." "Yeah, fuck that. You get in if you want to." Ashley nodded slowly. "Okay. Keep an eye out."