5 comments/ 13042 views/ 2 favorites 4. My Father's Son Ch. 13-15 By: inspirixis1 CHAPTER THIRTEEN The office walls were covered in Van Gogh prints and Nicholas found it to be ironic. Wasn't Van Gogh the one who went crazy and cut off his ear? "Tell me why you're here," the old man requested, his rectangular spectacles slipping a little down his straight narrow nose. Nicholas sighed. "I guess I'm confused. I don't really know who I am or why I'm doing the things I do." He jiggled his knee nervously. He hadn't spoken to anyone about how he felt about his life since Hamid had shown up on his doorstep six months ago. Dr. Moll was the second therapist he had seen. The first one, Carol Huez, had pissed him off beyond belief, she didn't want to know how he felt, all she wanted was the details of his personal life and then she threw them back in his face. He felt like she was accusing him the way his dad did and it just made him feel defensive. He knew he was a shitty fiancé, he knew he was hurting Grace, he didn't need other people to tell him that. He had resisted getting help for so long. His pride was what was holding him back, there was a part of him that thought it was a sign of weakness to talk to a stranger about his problems. He was a man, shouldn't he be able to deal with them himself? He'd finally caved in when he'd figured out that Grace was back in counseling again. She hadn't said anything to him about it; he had looked through her date book and noticed that she had appointments scheduled for every Tuesday after her 9:00 am class. He was intrigued so he looked through the receipts she had tucked under the front of the leather cover and found one from the mental health department of her school's health center. It had made him feel shitty. Grace was back in counseling because of him and she hadn't even said anything to him about it. He had tucked the receipts back under the front cover and put the date book back in her backpack. It was a nice date book, it must have cost Adrian a small fortune. It's what he had given her for Christmas last year. Nicholas hadn't bought her a gift. He hadn't bought anyone gifts. The people back home hadn't realized it because Grace had added his name onto the cards that she sent with the presents she'd bought for their parents and siblings. She had given him a dark grey cashmere sweater that Mai had promptly puked on. "I didn't get you anything," he admitted. "Sorry." He watched the pain and disappointment register in her eyes, but she smiled bravely. "It's okay Kolya," she said as she sat beside him and put her arm around him. "You've been under a lot of stress." That was back when they were still touching, before the night that he'd made her have a flashback. They didn't touch anymore. He didn't deserve the right to touch Grace. "What sort of things do you do?" Dr. Moll asked. He told him and he didn't spare the details. He was waiting for the old man to turn around and start slinging his actions back at him like insults, telling him how badly he was fucking up, but he didn't. He just nodded his head and asked more questions. He asked about how Nicholas felt about different things, everything from his parents to sports to Hamid's upcoming trial in Illinois. He never once made him feel like a villain. The hour was up before he knew it and he paid and made another appointment with the receptionist. "When would you like to make your next appointment for?" She asked, her perfectly curled hair bouncing around her ears as she typed on the keyboard with manicured fingers. "As soon as possible," he replied. "Oh, well Dr. Moll just had a cancellation for tomorrow, we could fit you in at 1 pm?" Nicholas has a class from 12:30 to 2:00 but he didn't care, there were some things he wanted to talk about. Dr Moll didn't comment about how soon Nicholas was back to see him. "Is there something you want to talk about today in particular?" "Yes, my father." The doctor nodded. "Okay, why don't you tell me about him?" "Well that's the problem... there are two of them." "Okay, tell me about the first one then." He told him about Tyler; how he had always been there since his memory began, how he had fought with him as a teenager and then again when Grace was raped, how he was pissed off at Nicholas because he was fucking things up with Grace, but mostly how he was a good person, how he always emphasized how important it was to be a good person. "Do you think you are a good person Nicholas?" He choked out a cynical laugh. "No. I'm about as far from being a good person as you can get." Dr. Moll didn't push the point, he asked about his 'second father.' "Hamid. He's my biological father, the one who I got all of this from." He pointed to his head. "You think you inherited your brain from Hamid?" Nicholas shrugged his shoulders. "I look like his twin. I inherited almost everything else about me from him." "But you never knew him until recently. You spent all of your formative years with Tyler as a father, and what about your mother? Surely she must have had some impact on you." "So? It's useless to deny it. I am what I am. I'm the son of a psychopath. He's a killer, I'm a killer. I'm pretty sure killing people is off Tyler's list of things that 'good' people do." "You killed someone?" "I've killed five people. Four of them with my bare hands, the fifth with a broom handle." "Tell me about it." The doctor was leaning forward across his desk, apparently fascinated by what Nicholas was telling him. He told him about the three men he had killed in their old apartment and the one in the stairwell, and the one in the penthouse he had killed when he'd been told that someone was pointing a gun at Lucas' head. "Do you regret it?" He asked. Nicholas hesitated for a moment before he shook his head. "I've thought about it a lot and I know that if I had those moments to live over I would do them in almost exactly the same way. Perhaps in retrospect I would have used a different kick, maybe I would have tried to kill the man in the stairwell with a single blow rather than toying with him like a cat tortures a mouse, but the end result would be the same. They'd still be dead and I'd still be a murderer." Dr. Moll nodded his head thoughtfully. "You say you don't regret it, but at the same time you seem to be bothered by the label of killer, or murderer. I guess the implication is that killing is always a bad thing, that killing someone necessarily makes you a bad person." Nicholas shrugged. "It is one of the Ten Commandments right?" He nodded. "Let me ask you something... Hamid has killed before, right? Perhaps not with his own hands, but he has ordered for people to be killed which is the same thing." "Yeah, for sure." "Do you think he has thought about it in the sort of depth that you have? Do you think the label of killer would bother him the way it bothers you?" Nicholas thought about it and he just couldn't see it. Hamid was the one ordering the murders, if he felt bad about it he could just stop doing it. "No, I don't think he cares." Dr. Moll nodded. "Well, I guess there is at least one part of your brain that you inherited from someone else." That day happened to be his birthday and when he went home Grace had decorated with a few streamers and balloons and she and Mai were wearing party hats. Mai kept on grabbing at her head, trying to pull the hat off so she could stick it in her mouth. Grace had cooked his favorite meal of stuffed pork with garlic mashed potatoes, and had baked a cake for dessert. After they had eaten she handed him a gift with an envelope. "I didn't know what to get you," she said, the pace of her words belying her nervousness. He opened the package and found four canisters full of different teas. He brought each one to his nose and inhaled deeply, savoring the different aromas, some sharper, some more earthy, one even smelled sweet. He opened the card and piece of paper fell into his lap. He picked it up and read it. Dear Nicholas, I know things haven't been easy for you lately and I want to make sure you know that I still love you. I love you with all of my heart, I always have and I always will, no matter what happens. Love, your Grace. Nicholas fought back tears as a hard lump formed in his throat. He didn't deserve this, not after everything he'd done to her. He looked up and saw that Grace was fighting back her own tears, her eyes were watery and she was biting down on her lip. "Thank you Grace," he said softly. It was then that he swore to himself that he was going to get better. He didn't know what had happened to him, how he had fallen into this pit of despair, but he was going to get out of it, or die trying. He might be a despicable pile of shit, but he was Grace's pile of shit and it was his responsibility to be as good as he could be for her. He started seeing Dr. Moll three times a week. It seemed like an awful lot and sometimes he got sick of talking about himself, but then he would just ask for advice on how to make things better for Grace. The doctor asked about the ways Nicholas used to show affection for her when they were still 'courting,' as he put it, and he encouraged him to go back to some of their old routines. Grace was surprised the first morning that he got up with her to walk her to rowing practice. "It's okay Kolya," she whispered. "You can stay here with Mai, I'm used to walking on my own now." He moved around the kitchen quietly so as not to wake Mai while he made her thermos of tea. "We'll come with you Gracie, just wait a sec. while I put Mai in her stroller." They made it to the gym a few minutes late. "Sorry Grace," he said as he handed her the thermos flask. "I guess I have to get up a few minutes earlier now that we have Mai to worry about." He wanted to lean in and kiss her goodbye but something was stopping him. There was still a wall between them. "Thanks," she said. "Have a good day." And then she turned and went into the gym. Nicholas took a detour on the way home and ended up walking for an hour along the path on the banks of the river. Mai was asleep in the stroller despite the cold air. He checked on her a few times to make sure the blankets were still securely wrapped around her and she slept through. She was getting to be a good sleeper, she slept through the night most of the time now. He was puffed when he got home. It had been months since he had done any sort of workout. He got online and looked up jogging strollers, decided on one that looked suitably rugged and ordered it with rush delivery. He and Grace had never discussed adopting Mai or giving her up for adoption since that first time when she decided to come home from Adrian's place. He knew that Grace didn't want to keep her and so it was probably stupid to buy an expensive jogging stroller, but he didn't care, he'd just give it away if they decided to give Mai up for adoption. Two days later he lay Mai down in the new stroller and jogged along the banks of the river after he'd dropped Grace off at the BU gym. It hurt so much. His legs were cramping and each breath of the frosty February air was like a dagger in his lungs. He had to stop and walk every now and then. He checked on Mai and her blankets more than was really necessary just for the excuse to stop for a while. When he got home he flopped down on the couch. Mai was awake by then and he propped her up on his belly, using his legs as a backrest for her. She had one of her toys in her hand and she rattled it and squealed and gooed and gahhed at him. "Yes baby girl," he said. "Your daddy is a slow fat old fart, isn't he?" He only ever called himself her daddy when Grace wasn't around. Mai squeaked and then laughed. He laughed back and tickled her on her belly. "No need to rub it in angel." Dr. Moll seemed happy when he told him that he'd started exercising again. Nicholas had grown to like the old codger; he was encouraging without being demanding. They talked a lot about his fathers, it seemed to be the theme that they came back to again and again. Nicholas didn't understand how his Baaba and Daadii could have raised such a mentally deranged son. They had always seemed so normal to him. They had some unusual customs that they'd brought with them from India, but they were kind, gentle, loving people. "Do you think they abused Hamid when he was a child? Do you think that's why he turned into such a psycho?" Nicholas asked. Dr. Moll turned his palms upwards. "Anything is possible, but I doubt it. You said that you knew them well as a child and they never touched you." "Then how come he is so deranged? How can he look at a woman and see an asset that could be used to make money?" "You seem to think that everything about a person is either inherited or a product of their upbringing, have you ever thought that perhaps there is something inside each person that makes them an individual?" "Huh? No, everyone is a combination of nature and nurture. People are different because they have different genes and different life experiences." "Okay, let me tell you about identical twins. Exact same genes, in most cases they're raised in the exact same environment by the exact same parents. More often than not they have totally different personalities. Why? Because we get to choose who we are Nicholas." Nicholas was silent. "We don't get to choose what we look like and there are certainly some other things about us that we can't change, I will never be good at math, for example, but our fundamental morality, the pillars of our personality... we get to choose those ourselves." Nicholas sat for a moment and tried to digest what he was saying. "I get to choose who I am?" Moll nodded. "Yes. You're never going to be a NBA star, and from the look of the bookbag that you bring in here you're never going to be a neat-freak either, but the fundamentals of your personality, the things that you value above all else... you get to choose those." "They don't come from our parents?" "Parents guide us, they encourage us in the direction that they'd like us to go, but in the end it is your decision." Nicholas nodded slowly. "So the question is not, 'who are you?' The question is, 'who do you want to be?'" Nicholas couldn't help the tears that were leaking out the corners of his eyes. He felt like he had just been handed a get out of jail free card, a chance to make something of himself. Who did he want to be? He wanted to be an honorable man, he wanted to be a good father, but above all else he wanted to be a good husband to Grace. CHAPTER FOURTEEN Grace was starting to see what Nicholas had meant when he said that he had 'fallen for' Mai. She was absolutely adorable. She was five months old and the happiest, rolley-polley little girl you could imagine. She had bright, playful eyes and chubby little hands that were constantly reaching for Grace. Grace didn't know if she was imagining it or not, but she thought that Mai loved her. Sometimes she got fussy at night and wouldn't go to sleep, even if Nicholas cradled her and walked around bouncing her gently the way she liked. The only thing that would get her to calm down was if Grace held her close and sang to her softly. There was a childcare center on campus that Grace got a discount at because she was a student and Mai went there for a few hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays when Grace and Nicholas were both in classes at the same time. When she came to pick her up Mai would look around for her as soon as she heard her talking to the staff. It was amazing how she could recognize Grace's voice in a crowded noisy room. As soon as she heard her she would hold her little arms up and fake-cry until Grace had picked her up and they were walking out the door together. Grace knew the difference between a fake-cry and a real one. The idea of giving her up for adoption was starting to become a dreaded thought, rather than a welcome one. She and Nicholas still hadn't talked about it and she was beginning to wonder if maybe she should just let it go. Maybe they could raise Mai as their own child. She had mixed emotions about that idea. She was only twenty-one and Nicholas was twenty-two. She loved him dearly, but it was obvious that he was messed up and their relationship was messed up too. They didn't even touch anymore, let alone snuggle or have sex. What sorts of parents don't touch? They weren't exactly models of perfection for Mai to mould herself after. She felt sure that there were normal, happy, well adjusted couples out there who could provide a better life for her. But then Mai would smile or laugh at her, or she would cling to her and cry when a stranger came too close and it made Grace's heart ache with love, with the need to protect her. She didn't know what to do and so she just let it slide. She promised herself that she would talk to Nicholas about it when Mai turned six months old. Nicholas was slowly starting to go back to what she considered normal, although she had a feeling that his new normal might not be the same as what his old normal was. He wasn't as angry with her as he had been and he didn't try to pick fights anymore. She had noticed that he had started to slip back into some of his old routines. He walked her to practice in the mornings and then worked out himself. He just went jogging, he didn't do martial arts anymore, but she still thought it was a good thing. One afternoon she came home and Nicholas had been to the market. There was a big bunch of Ranunculus in a vase on the kitchen table, their bright, perfectly formed flowers a delightful contrast to their wild curly foliage. There was one of those generic looking flower cards folded at the base of the vase and she picked it up to read it. "I love you Grace," it read. She sat down at the table and looked at the flowers and cried. She had Mai sitting on her lap and she tried to pull the card out of Grace's hand. When she let her have it Mai looked at it for a few seconds then shoved it in her mouth. Grace laughed and Mai laughed back at her, her chubby cheeks round and rosy. When Nicholas got back from whatever he was out doing she thanked him for the flowers. "You're welcome," he said shyly, giving her a small smile. "I was wondering..." "Mm?" "Do you want to go to Aikido with me on Thursday? I was thinking I could ask Adrian to baby-sit, it's only for an hour." Grace was momentarily stunned. Something had changed. The importance of this moment didn't elude her. Nicholas was asking her out on a date. "Only if you want to," he added quickly, trying to mask the uncertainty in his voice. "Yes, I want to. That would be nice." On Thursday Adrian showed up at their apartment with his usual laid back manner in tact. She saw or spoke to him weekly so it was no big deal for her, but she knew that Nicholas hadn't spoken to him in months. "Hey," he said to Nicholas jovially as he punched him on the arm lightly. "I can't say I like what you've done with the place." He smiled as he surveyed the apartment and took in the baskets of baby toys, the changing table and piles of clean diapers. "There's my girl!" He gushed at Mai who squealed with delight. Adrian was surprisingly good with the baby; he seemed to have a natural talent for acting like a baboon. Nothing got Mai giggling and squealing like the faces he pulled and noises he made for her. "Who's going to have the best time on earth with their uncle Adrian?" He asked in his baby-talk voice. "You are little Mai," he said poking her in the tummy gently with his finger. "I'm going to introduce you to a little friend of mine called sugar..." Adrian gave Grace a wicked grin. 4. My Father's Son Ch. 13-15 "Don't you dare," Grace shut him down immediately. "Or else you're staying the night... in her room." Charlotte Sensei seemed happy and surprised to see them. Grace had gone to Aikido a couple of times after they'd come back from Illinois but Nicholas never had, he hadn't been in about seven months. They practiced together. The way Sensei ran her classes you were supposed to change partners with each new set of exercises, but they stood off to the side and nobody bugged them. It felt so good to touch and be touched by Nicholas again, even if they were throwing and pinning each other. It felt like an eternity since he had purposefully touched her. When they practiced together they looked in each other's eyes a lot to give and receive the cues they needed to work together. About half way through the class Grace made a mistake that caused her to fall backwards onto her butt and she started laughing, and then Nicholas started laughing too. For the rest of the class they'd smile at each other when they made eye contact. That night when he came to bed he lay facing away from her, as had become his habit. She was already half asleep and she rolled over and draped her arm around him, hugging him from behind. She felt him stiffen momentarily and then relax into her embrace. His hand cupped over hers and she squeezed him to her body. It was a few minutes before she felt him shaking. She had almost drifted off to sleep when she felt the sharp jerky movements coming from his ribcage and heard the muffled sniffs. She was surprised. The only time she'd seen Nicholas cry as an adult was when she was in the hospital after she was shot. Grace held him to her more tightly and kissed the back of his neck. "Hush Kolya," she murmured. "I'm here baby. I wont let go." He turned in her arms so that he was facing her, his face was so close that their noses were almost touching. "Gracie," he whispered. "I'm so sorry milaya." Her heart just about broke at the sound of her nickname, she didn't even remember the last time he'd called her milaya. All of a sudden she was crying too, the emotion in her chest so painful that she felt sure she would burst. "It's okay Kolya, just stay with me. Promise you will stay with me." He nodded. "So long as you want me I will always be here." "Always," she whispered. "I will always want you Nicholas." She closed the small space between them and pressed her lips on his. Nicholas' hand was on her back and he pulled her closer to him, so that their bodies were touching and pressing against each other from their legs all the way up to their faces. "I love you so much Grace." His voice was unsteady from the tears he had shed, and perhaps from the heat that passed between their bodies. "Show me," she said, her voice deep and rusty from desire. "Show me how much you love me." Then Nicholas' lips were all over her, finding her special places and making her heart pound ferociously. He kissed her neck and jaw line as he unbuttoned her pajama top and then he dragged his lips along her clavicle as he massaged and squeezed her breasts in his warm palms. She ran her hands over his shoulders and back, feeling his smooth warm skin, remembering and memorizing anew every inch of his beautiful body. She needed him inside her. Her pussy was screaming at her, she was so hot down there that it was painful. It had been so long. The only thing that could quell her was Nicholas' cock. She fumbled with the drawstring on her pants and pushed them down along with her underwear. Nicholas sat back for a moment and helped her to get them off entirely, then he was back on top of her, kissing her breasts and sucking on her nipples, raking his fingers down her ribs and over the curve at her waist. He kissed lower and lower, over her belly and lower. "Mm... not tonight Kolya, give me your cock tonight," she begged. He looked up at her and she recognized the desire burning in his eyes. "Let me taste you first Gracie. You smell so good." He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply as he tilted his nose down towards her open pussy. "Oh god..." he moaned. "So good... I haven't smelled anything this good in forever. Let me taste you," he begged. She nodded her head and he kissed the final inches of skin between her belly button and her pussy before he was lapping at her lips, touching her and moaning her name. He was being so gentle, he was killing her with his soft touches. She tilted her hips up towards him and lifted them to get him closer. He sucked on her labia, massaging the swollen skin between his lips before releasing them and kissing her thighs, stroking her hot skin, brushing against her clitoris. "More," she begged. She felt a finger slip into her vagina and she moaned. He was stroking over her g-spot slowly, torturously, while he licked around the folds of her lips and up to her clitoris. His tongue danced over her hardened nub and his lips pinched at her gently, sending hot sexy sensations all over her body. "Oh Kolya," she sighed as her orgasm swelled inside her and then burst, causing her to cry out a straggled moan. Nicholas sat back and watched her, his hands gliding over her skin. "Gracie," he murmured. "You are so beautiful baby. You're such a good girl." Then he was on top of her again, kissing up her neck and to her mouth. She tasted her own juices on his tongue, sweetness on his breath. "I am the luckiest man in the world," he breathed. He adjusted himself and then he was inside her and she pushed her head back into the pillow as her body accepted him into her core, into the centre of her being. It felt so right. Nicholas was back. She didn't know how or why, but her gentle, peaceful, beautiful man was back and he was making love to her so tenderly that it brought new tears to her eyes. "Hush milaya," he cooed as he kissed her tears away. "I am going to make everything right. I am going to love you properly again." She buried her fingers in his hair and held onto him, keeping his head down close to her face. "Every day Grace," he whispered as he moved inside her. "I'm going to show you how much I love you every single day for the rest of our lives." The next morning Grace woke up in Nicholas' arms for the first time since she could remember. A jolt of panic coursed through her veins; what if last night had been a one off? What if the old Nicholas had only surfaced momentarily and the angry Nicholas would replace him again today? "Kolya?" She said softly. "It's time to get up." Nicholas stirred behind her and his arms squeezed her to his body. "Gracie," he whispered. "I can't believe you let me back in. I don't deserve you." She felt him shaking and she turned in his arms to see that he was crying again. She was concerned. Nicholas had never been a big crier, but she guessed it was better for him to be crying with her than angry at her. She stroked the side of his face. "Nicholas, do you remember what you said the word milaya means to you?" He nodded. "It means the center of my universe." She smiled. "You are my milaya Kolya. Without you I wouldn't have a center. I know bad things happened to you and you've been having a hard time dealing with them, but we're still strong, you can still rely on me. Anything you need baby, I'll give it to you." His face crumbled and he buried his head into her chest as more tears flowed and he sobbed big noisy gasps into the cool morning air. She stroked his hair and rubbed his back soothingly as she murmured to him. "Hush Kolya, I'm here baby. It's going to be alright... everything is going to be alright." She found herself comforting him like this frequently. Sometimes they would be having a fine day and then totally out of the blue he would collapse into her arms and she would sit with him and kiss him on his head while she rubbed his back and told him that she loved him. She didn't know what he was thinking about, or if he was thinking at all. She remembered what it was like after she had been raped. Sometimes you can have emotions without having thoughts attached to them. You know in general why you are feeling the way you are but if someone asked you why you were so upset you wouldn't be able to tell them. So she didn't ask Nicholas why he was crying, she just sat and comforted him and talked to him quietly about the good things in their life. Mai was a recurring topic of conversation when she comforted him. She talked about the funny things she did and how the women at the childcare center adored her. One day Nicholas had a breakdown in the evening and Grace told him about how Mai had been outraged that day when her pediatrician had given her a round of immunization injections. "She was so funny Kolya. She was crying from the pain of the needle and then the doctor came back and she was trying to push him away. I thought she was afraid of him until I saw her face; she had this look of indignant disbelief, her little lips were pouting and her face was all scrunched up, like she was trying to say, 'How dare you come near me after what you did!'" Nicholas made a noise that was something like a laugh. "She looks more and more like you every day." "You mean she looks like Hamid," Nicholas said. "No baby," Grace said gently. "She looks like you." Grace was pretty sure that Nicholas knew that she loved Mai. She'd never said anything to him about it, but it felt like he knew. They still hadn't discussed her adoption options, her six month anniversary came and went and Grace couldn't bring herself to raise the topic for discussion. She just wanted a little more time. Things were so much better with Nicholas and she was starting to believe that they might be able to be good parents. Nicholas was still obviously messed up, but their relationship felt strong again. One day she was sitting at the bay window with Mai, showing her how to wave to the passers by and talking to her about the buds on the trees and the flowers in their garden. A woman walked by with a dog on leash and Mai made a squealing sound. The sound must have caught the woman's attention because she turned to the window and smiled. She made the dog sit and stood there and waved. Mai was squealing with delight and she raised her little hand and swiped it through the air back and forth in a sort of spastic wave. "Ah!" Grace cried. "Kolya, come quick!" "What is it?" He asked as he popped his head around the corner from the kitchen. "She's waving!" Mai had stopped and was looking at Grace, unsure what all the kafuffle was about. "Well, she was waving." The lady out the window was laughing, she must have been able to hear into the apartment. Nicholas came over to them and squatted down to their level. He took Mai's arm and waved her hand back and forth out the window. "Wave to the nice lady angel," he said. The lady was still smiling as she waved again. Grace made eye contact with her and said, "You're her first wave." The lady smiled wider and nodded pleasantly, then turned away and continued to walk her dog. Nicholas laid his hand on her thigh and squeezed. "Her first wave," he said with a big grin. Grace smiled back at him. "Who would have thought a wave could be so exciting?" Nicholas moved Mai over a bit so there was room for him on the window bench and sat opposite her. "What're you doing?" He asked. "Just talking... and waving," she replied casually. Mai was at the stage where she was babbling a lot. She liked to say ba-ba-ba-ba, and wa-wa-wa-wa, and occasionally throw in a few other sounds to try them out. Right now she wasn't babbling though, she was working on trying to pull herself to standing using Nicholas' fingers as support. She liked to be upright. Her favorite game was jumping up and down in her baby bouncer. "Ahh!" She squealed with satisfaction when she got to her feet. "What a clever little monkey," Nicholas cooed as he kissed her on the head. She smiled as she watched them have a conversation in baby banter, a combination of strings of single syllables, blowing raspberries and some very exaggerated facial expressions on Nicholas' part. "Kolya?" "Mm?" He looked up at her. "You know how my parents changed my name when they adopted me?" He seemed to freeze in place, his expression a mixture of hope and dread. "Uh-huh," he got out. "I was wondering... if we adopted Mai do you think we could change her name?" "Yes," he said quickly. "Whatever you want Gracie. We can call her whatever you want." She nodded, unsure of how he was going to take her suggestion. "I thought maybe we could name her after... Adrian?" Nicholas was still for a moment and then he nodded. "Adrian," he said as he looked down at Mai, as if he was addressing her. "Yeah, but she is kind of dainty so I thought the girlier version would be better for her, Adrienne, and I thought we could just caller her Adie." Nicholas smiled. "Adie," he said with affection. "I like it." He looked back up at her and leaned in closer. "I like it, and I like you." She helped to close the distance between them and they kissed over the head of their child. They talked for a long time about the adoption. It was tempting to rush in and sign the papers to make it official, but it was important to talk. They talked about what sort of parents they wanted to be and what sorts of rules they needed in place. There were a million questions that they debated. How much daycare was too much? Who was going to do what? Should they give her all of her immunizations now, or wait until she was a bit older? Should they feed her organic bananas or regular ones? Each conversation gave her more confidence in their ability to give Adie a good, stable life. Their conversations brought her closer to Nicholas too. Now that it was getting warmer they went out walking most nights. Adie would fall asleep in her stroller as they talked. They usually started out talking about her, or some aspect of childrearing, but more often than not it lead into a conversation about what had happened to Nicholas. He confided in her. He told her that he had attempted suicide when he thought that she was dead and that Jaidee had been the one who stopped him. He told her about the sick mind games that Hamid played and how Nicholas used his acting techniques to trick him. He told her about how disturbing it was to hear disgusting things come out of the mouth of your father and hear equally atrocious things come out of your own mouth. He told her about the strange rush of satisfaction he felt when he killed another human, and how that surely must make him a bad person. Sometimes he cried. Sometimes his hands trembled uncontrollably. "Sometimes I can't remember who I was before Hamid," he said one night. "It's scary because everyone I love knows and loves that Nicholas. If I can't remember how to be him I'm afraid they wont love me anymore. My shrink says I get to choose who I am and I want to be the old Nicholas but I don't remember how." "I know how that feels," she assured him. "After I was raped I was different. I couldn't look at the world in the same way anymore and I was so afraid my family would stop loving me. I tried to remember how I was before it happened and to act that way. It didn't work though, eventually you just have to accept it and move on. None of us are the same as we were six months ago, or even six days ago. Look at Adie, she changes by the day and we still love her." "Mm... it's hard not to love Adie." He leaned over and kissed Grace on the temple. "But it is impossible not to love you milaya." They made love most nights. Even if there were some parts of Nicholas that had changed the way he made love to her had not. He was still gentle and patient and kind. He still cared about her satisfaction and made sure that she got to orgasm too. He still made her feel warm and special when she slept in his arms. Occasionally it would happen that Adie would wake up and cry while they were making love, but he didn't immediately turn off the way he had once done. Grace was the one who would go to her when this happened. She tried not to pick her up. They had agreed that they would only lay a hand on her tummy and talk or sing quietly to soothe her when she woke in the night now that she was seven months old. They slowly reclaimed little bits of their old life. Adrian came over every Thursday night to watch Adie while Nicholas and Grace went to Aikido together. He didn't seem to mind and Grace made sure to provide him with a hearty home-cooked meal to keep him coming back. He had been so touched when they told him that they changed Mai's name. He had sat down and his lip quivered and his eyes looked all watery. "It's a good thing," he said when he'd regained his voice. "I was going to have to figure out a way to beat Nicholas up if you guys adopted her without changing her name." "Why?" Nicholas asked. "Oh come on... Mai Gray? What sort of an asshole gives their kid a name that rhymes?" "Adrian," Grace scolded. "Don't say asshole in front of the b -- a -- b -- y." She spelled out the letters. It was a joke that was quickly starting to become meaningful. Adie was starting to imitate the sounds that came out of their mouths. On Sunday mornings Jaidee came over to baby-sit while they went to the dojang to practice martial arts. Jaidee seemed happy. She worked at the Thai restaurant that Suchin owned and had made friends with the other waitresses. She helped Suchin with her kids. She was taking an English language class so that she could take the citizenship test when she became eligible. That wouldn't be for a few years but she thought she had better start early. "My English very bad," she said, shaking her head. Grace smiled. "You should say, 'My English IS very bad,' but it's not. I think your English is good." Jaidee smiled a bright, proud grin. "Thank you Gracie." Grace wasn't sure how Jaidee would react when they told her that they'd changed Mai's name. Mai was the name that Lawan had chosen while she was pregnant. Jaidee had just nodded. "Adie a good name. It sound like Jaidee! Lawan like Mai but Lawan dead now." That was the way Jaidee was, a very practical person. Now that Grace didn't feel threatened by her she could appreciate Jaidee for who she was; a sweet, outgoing teenager who through no fault of her own had gotten messed up with the wrong crowd. She was glad that she seemed to have settled down and was making progress in her life. It was good that she had Suchin and the other Thai girls who she could relate to, but Jaidee could always rely on her and Nicholas to take care of her if she needed to. It was getting close to the end of the semester and Grace and Nicholas would be moving back to Colorado soon. She asked him if he thought they should ask Jaidee if she wanted to move there too. "We should at least give her the option, don't you think?" Nicholas agreed and the next Sunday they sat her down and talked to her about moving. Jaidee patted Nicholas' arm. "Amir, you good man, but I have good life here. I have family and job... and I have boyfriend." She looked quite happy with herself when she said this last phrase. Nicholas' mouth dropped open a look of shock passed over his face. "Don't worry Amir, I come visit you," Jaidee assured him. "You have a boyfriend?" He asked. "Yes. Peter. He a very nice man." Nicholas insisted on meeting 'this Peter fellow,' as he put it and then as soon as Jaidee left he insisted that Grace talk to her about birth control. "She might not know about it Grace, I know she was a virgin when she was in Hamid's house. I don't want her to get knocked up or catch some awful disease. Please talk to her about it?" 4. My Father's Son Ch. 13-15 After her last class on Tuesday she left Adie at the childcare center for Nicholas to pick up and headed over to Jamaica Pond to meet with Jaidee. She couldn't believe how nervous she was. She was about to give the birds and the bees talk to a nineteen year old whom only spoke broken English. They sat on one of the benches that looked over the pond and Mai ate a late lunch of rice and vegetables out of a take-out container. Grace had no idea how to start so she just blurted it out. "If you have sex you need to do some things to make sure you don't get pregnant." Jaidee froze in place, her spoon half way to her mouth. Then she turned to Grace and said, "Yes. The condom. I know about the condom." Grace nodded, relieved. Even though Jaidee seemed to be familiar with the concept of a condom she sat with her and explained all of the details she might not know, then she told her about the morning after pill and the birth control pill, and talked about HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. When she had run out of things to say she called a cab and took her over to the Planned Parenthood health center. "This is where you come if you need to get a test or to get pills," Grace explained. "You could bring Peter here too if you wanted him to get a test." "I want pills," Jaidee said, so they registered her name and waited for the nurse practitioner. Grace waited for her and paid for a thirteen-month supply of her pills and a few boxes of condoms. Jaidee didn't have health insurance and even at the discounted rate it was expensive, but it was worth it. "If you ever need money for tests or pills just ask me, okay?" Grace said as they waited for the cab to take Jaidee back to the restaurant. "Okay. Thank you Gracie." Jaidee hugged her shyly and Grace pulled her closer, into a real hug. It was hard to believe that Grace had once felt animosity towards her. She was just a kid. "If you ever need anything, please ask me for it." Nicholas seemed thankful that Grace had talked to her about safe sex but he still didn't like the idea of her having a boyfriend. He got himself all worked up, complaining that she was too young and too vulnerable, but when they met Peter it seemed obvious that there was little to worry about. Peter was about to graduate with a degree in accounting and he was every bit the stereotypical bean counter. He was shy and a bit nerdy, but he had a warmth about him. He seemed self-conscious but genuine in his gestures of affection towards Jaidee. "How did you two meet?" Grace asked. "Peter come to the restaurant all the time," Jaidee explained in an animated fashion. "He always look at me when he supposed to be eating, but he never talk to me. I think, he never going to ask me out! Suchin tell me, Jaidee, you go ask that man out, so I did." Peter smiled shyly. Nicholas maintained an aloof manner throughout the meeting and even when they were on the train going home he seemed grumpy. Grace thought it was funny that he was acting the same way that her dad did when he first found out that they were dating. "Come on babe, he wasn't that bad," Grace teased him. "Hm... I guess it could be worse. At least he has a job." "Kolya," Grace whacked him in the arm. "We don't even have jobs!" Nicholas smiled ruefully. "Okay, I guess he seemed... acceptable." When they got home there was a letter waiting for Nicholas. It was from the district attorney in charge of Hamid's case. They'd set a trial date and he wanted to know if Nicholas would testify. "Are you going to do it?" Grace asked. Nicholas sighed. "Yeah." She held his hand and leaned into him. "I'll come with you." He leaned down and kissed her on her hair. "Thanks milaya." CHAPTER FIFTEEN Nicholas was nervous to see his dad, but he shouldn't have been. As soon as Tyler spotted him waiting beyond the airport security checkpoint he walked straight up to him and embraced him in the biggest, most protective hug possible, and he didn't let go for a long time. By the time he release him he could hardly remember why he was nervous in the first place. "Dad, I'm sorry for how things sort of fell apart between us..." "No." His dad put his hand up in protest. "It was my fault. I'm the one who is sorry." He guessed that he must have been reading the papers. Hamid's trial was all over the news. "You could have told me Kolya," he said as they rode in the back of a cab to the hotel. "I had no idea of the things they told you and did to you. It was quite a shock to find out that your mom and Luka had been stalked for all that time." "Yeah I know. I'm sorry. Once I was in a position to tell you it seemed like there was no point in worrying you about it. I didn't want you to flip out and replace all the windows with bullet proof glass or anything stupid like that." His dad was leaning into the middle seat and watching the road ahead of them so that he wouldn't get carsick. "Huh, that's not a bad idea, I wonder how much that'd cost," he said without taking his eyes off the road. He gasped when Nicholas let him into their hotel suite. "My first grandchild!" He hugged Grace hello but it was Adie that he was headed for. She was on her tummy on a blanket with some of her toys and he went and lay on the floor with her, mimicking her activities. Recently Adie had really gotten big on stranger danger, she didn't like new adults and she would scream anytime someone she didn't know got too close to her, but she didn't appear to know what to make of her Grandpa Tyler lying down on the floor with her. She didn't scream; she just tried to get whatever toy he was holding in his hands. It was a good sign. His dad was here to look after Adie while Nicholas was in court testifying. He wanted Grace to be with him, but obviously she couldn't bring Adie in with her. The situation was compounded by the fact that Adie was at an age where she was seriously attached to her mother. It seemed that she was upset any time that Grace was not in the room. Perhaps she would be okay staying with Grandpa Tyler though, the way she was squealing and giggling as she maneuvered her way over his chest made him optimistic. Testifying was a long, arduous process that was made even more difficult by the fact that Hamid was sitting there glaring at him the entire time. It made him nervous. Hamid had signed legal papers abandoning his parental rights to Adie but he knew he hadn't forgotten about her. He felt sure that Hamid somehow knew that Adie was now Nicholas and Grace's child and that she was an easy target if he decided to try and ruin their life. Suddenly bulletproof windows didn't seem like such a bad idea. Nicholas' testimony and cross-examination took three days. He was the last witness and then the lawyers gave their closing statements and the jury adjourned. "There's probably no point in sticking around," Vince, who was actually named Rudolph Benson, told Nicholas. "They could be deliberating for weeks, you should go home and try and move on with your life." It was probably good advice, so he booked tickets back to Denver for the next day. He and Grace were packing their suitcases when he got a phone call from the D.A.; the jury was back, they'd made a decision. Nicholas didn't feel like going back to court and so they sat and watched the TV coverage in the hotel suite. It was like a circus outside the courthouse, news reporters waited excitedly for the verdict and filled in the time by discussing the details of the case and the range of sentencing options available to the judge. The famous Chicago wind whipped around them, causing pieces of paper and dirt to swirl along the pavement and the news lady to hold her hair in place. Thinking about Hamid being locked away in prison gave Nicholas no solace. The guy was a criminal genius; it was only a matter of time before he established a new network of criminals to go about his work. The words that he had screamed that last day in the house echoed around his brain. "You are going to pay for this you little shit," he'd said. "Your family are dead Amir, you just killed them... every single one." Nicholas didn't know what he could do to make his family safe. He just nodded when the media caught wind of the verdict: Guilty on all charges. He was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole. Even if it didn't give him any comfort in terms of his family's safety, Nicholas was relieved. Hamid's prosecution on the murder of the mafia boss in the penthouse officially absolved Nicholas of any wrongdoing. He called Dr. Moll to tell him that he was officially innocent. "I am glad that you wont have any legal problems Nicholas, but the verdict really doesn't make any difference does it?" "No." "The public has forgiven you for what happened, but you still need to work on forgiving yourself." They left the TV on while they finished packing and just before they were about to leave there was live footage of Hamid, handcuffed, being led from the courthouse by police officers. They were walking him towards a police cruiser when he suddenly fell to the ground. "Oh my god!" The news correspondent outside the courthouse exclaimed. "He's been shot! It looks like he's been shot... in the groin." She paused for a second and pressed against her ear. "Yes, Hamid Chandrasekhar has been shot in the groin by an unidentified gunman." There was screaming and general chaos behind the news lady and then the scene cut to a close up of Hamid's face in extreme agony. Nicholas turned it off. Grace and his dad looked at him questioningly. "Come on babe," he said, grabbing the handle to their suitcase. "We've got better things to worry about." And that they did. The wedding was twelve weeks away and they didn't even have a venue for the reception yet. Luckily his dad and Grace's mom had been making progress on some of the other details. The ceremony itself was pretty much taken care of, all they had to do was write their vows. The wedding wasn't the only thing that needed doing though; they were supposed to be opening a restaurant this summer with Zach and Beth and they had done absolutely nothing to prepare. It wasn't a big deal for Nicholas and Grace, they had enough money to take some time off, but Zach and Beth needed a smooth transition from their positions in San Francisco. As soon as they got back to Denver they started looking for a suitable retail space to rent. Nicholas had envisaged a trendy downtown location, something that business people like his mom could bring clients to easily and friends could stop in for dinner after work, but everything they saw downtown seemed so sterile. "We'll hire an interior decorator," Grace reminded him. "It won't be just the bare bones that you see now." Even so, nothing grabbed at him. "There's a property in the foothills that was previously a lodge," the realtor told them. "It's a long shot, but it has a beautiful view." As soon as he stepped into the foyer of the old log-built lodge he knew it was the right place. It was a little run down, no doubt they'd have to put some money into updating the electrical outlets and buy all new appliances for the kitchen, but its age added to its charm. The exposed beams of the ceiling and thick log support pillars made it feel rustic and romantic. It felt magical. "Oh Kolya, look at the deck!" Grace cried. There was an enormous deck with a gnarled wooden railing that looked over the rocky hills and Denver skyline in the distance. "In summer people could dine out here and watch the colors on the rocks as the sun set, and in winter we could put a big tree in the corner over there and light it up like a Christmas tree!" Nicholas could imagine it. The white linen table cloths and silver champagne buckets filled with ice. The friends enjoying a cocktail and appetizers on the deck together as the sun slipped away and the city lit up below them. The romantic couple sharing a moment of joy by the window as he gets down on one knee to tell her she is his world. "Nicholas," Grace said quietly as she took his hand in hers. "We could have our wedding reception up here." It wasn't what he'd originally had in mind, but it couldn't have been more perfect. The owner was willing to lease or sell. Honestly, Nicholas wanted to buy it, but he couldn't justify the risk, not now that Adie's future was tied to theirs. He and Grace hadn't even found a place to live; they couldn't buy a lodge when they didn't even have their own house to live in. They were staying with Nicholas' parents for now. They slept in the guest room and Adie was sharing a room with Madeline. When Nicholas fist saw Madeline he was shocked by the size of her. She seemed impossibly big. She was eighteen months old to Adie's mere eight months. Watching Madeline run around the house and get into all sorts of mischief was a good heads-up for him and Grace. Adie was just starting to get mobile, she was doing what his mom called 'the combat crawl,' it was like the crawl that soldiers did to say low in obstacle courses. Having free, trustworthy childcare available was so amazing. His dad had practically retired to stay home and look after Madeline and he was only too happy to take Adie whenever they wanted him to. Grace was offered a full time job working for the athletic department at the University of Denver to start in the fall but to his surprise she didn't seem that keen on it. "I don't know Kolya, Adie is still so young. I know she'll be fine staying with your dad but if we can afford for me to stay home at least some of the time I'd prefer to do that. I think it's best for babies to stay with their mother for as long as possible, don't you?" Hearing Grace talk like that about Adie brought a warmth to his center that was difficult to describe. When she turned down the offer from the University they came back to her with an offer for part-time work. It wasn't a great deal. She wouldn't get the benefits package and she'd have to do some overtime work without getting paid overtime rates but they decided that she should take it. It was a good idea to keep her career on track and she was excited about working with the athletes. Nicholas was working hard on getting everything set up to open the restaurant. There were so many different facets to think about, everything from the number of tables and chairs they'd need to deciding the hue of the wood stain for the refurbished floor to setting up contracts for food supplies. Zach and Beth were working on the menu in their spare time and they'd send him a description of a menu item every now and then that woke him up and made him realize that this was really going to happen. They were only going to have a limited number of set menu items and the rest of them would be created every other week depending on what fresh produce was in season and available. Everything was progressing so quickly that it was easy to push Hamid back to the recesses of his brain. He'd taken Dr. Moll's advice and saw a therapist once every second week. He knew he still had some issues to deal with. Sometimes he still felt sad or angry for no apparent reason, and he guessed talking about that to a professional couldn't hurt. He was glad for it when he got a phone call from Agent Benson one afternoon. "I'm not calling you in an official capacity, I just thought you would want to now this," he said. "Okay...?" Nicholas' heart started to pound; he guessed this probably had something to do with Hamid plotting to take out his family. "It's Hamid. There have been some... incidents. You know he was shot in the balls right?" "Yeah." "Well it appears that someone is stalking him with a gun. He was shot in the right hand the day he was being transferred from the hospital to the prison, and then in the left hand while he was lying in the hospital bed a few days after that. Finally he was transferred to the prison in an armored van and he was shot in the left knee once he was already inside the prison. The guards were doing all they could to protect him but the gunman got in a second shot to his left foot. "We're doing what we can to keep it out of the public eye. It doesn't look good when someone in custody is repeatedly injured like this." "Uh-huh," Nicholas got out. "So I thought you might want to know. Obviously everything possible will be done to try and keep him alive but it's not looking good. Whoever is stalking him is obviously an expert. He's torturing him now but at some point he'll get sick of it and go for the headshot." Nicholas didn't say anything. It seemed obvious that it was one of Hamid's other prisoners who was stalking him. Ralph or Badger, they were two of the best sharp shooters in the world. "If you wanted to see him to, you know, make peace or say goodbye or whatever, I could try and arrange it for you." Nicholas didn't know if he wanted to or not. On the one hand he had no desire to ever see Hamid again, he felt like it could only set back the progress he'd made with putting everything behind him, but on the other hand he was his father. What did it say about him if he wasn't willing to try and make peace with his father when he was obviously on his deathbed?