2 comments/ 16332 views/ 4 favorites 3. The Grace I've Known Ch. 10-12 By: inspirixis1 CHAPTER TEN WINTER, SOPHOMORE YEAR It was a cold Saturday night in early February and Grace was trying to make good on her new years resolution to improve her social life. She had agreed to go out to one of those stupid parties that Adrian liked to go to. She thought they were so lame, just a bunch of jocks getting drunk and hitting on girls, but Adrian liked them so she went along. Adrian liked to drink. It was idiotic of him. He was supposed to be an athlete, and in her mind that meant being responsible when it came to your body. She didn't think a drink or two here or there was a big deal but Adrian liked to get rolling drunk on a regular basis. He wasn't a bad drunk, he just got all sloppy and slurred his words and made even less sense than usual. Grace had to drag him out of there in order to catch the last train home. "Why can't we just stay at my place?" He complained. His place was walking distance from the party they'd been at. "Sorry babe, you know I have to sleep at home. Besides, it would just be that much further to get to the gym in the morning," she tried to reason with him. They still went to the gym on Sunday mornings, but now it was just the three of them, they'd never seen Mariko again and Grace was glad. "Gracie, there's no fucking way in the world I'm going to the gym in the morning," he stammered. He didn't say it in a mean way. He was just stating the facts. She didn't doubt it. It wasn't uncommon for Adrian to stay over on Saturday night but skip the gym on Sunday. Sometimes when she and Nicholas got home after working out he would still be asleep, still sleeping off his hangover. When they got home Nicholas was there with the guys from his band. They'd had a gig and they were sitting around talking and drinking beer. "Hey...Nic-las," Adrian slurred. He had a big groggy grin plastered across his face as he crossed the room and plopped down on the couch beside Nicholas. Nicholas looked up at her and raised his eyebrows. She shrugged her shoulders. "Hi guys," she greeted Nicholas' friends. "How was the gig?" "Good," Brandon, the lead singer replied. "Could have used some female vocals," Leon, the bass player added. Grace had gone with Nicholas to practice once because she was having a bad day and she didn't want to be alone. They'd gotten her to sing backup vocals and realized that she had a voice. Not like an opera singer or anything but she could carry a tune better than most. Since then they'd always slip in little comments about how they could use a female vocalist. They were nice guys. "Sorry I missed this one," she said. "We went to a party," Adrian explained. "Oh yeah, how was it?" Nicholas asked. He had an amused look on his face. "Fucking awesome dude! They had two kegs..." Adrian held two fingers up unsteadily. "Two." Adrian looked up at her. "Gracie, come sit with us. What're you doing over there? Take your coat off. What? Were you born in a barn?" It made no sense. Grace had already taken her coat off and he had closed the front door behind them when they came in. She smiled and shook her head at him as she walked towards him. He held his arms out for her, but when she got to him it wasn't his lap that he pulled her into, he shoved her into Nicholas' lap. "Adrian, what are you doing?" She asked as she tried to move away. Adrian kept hold of her arm so she couldn't move. In any other situation in might have freaked her out, but it was Nicholas that she was sitting on, Nicholas was her safe place. "Just sit there for a minute. I want to talk to the boys." She looked at Nicholas. His face was only inches away and just a little bit below hers. He just looked back at her, he didn't say or do anything. He didn't make any sort of facial expression that belied what he thought. She sat there, feeling uncomfortable and not knowing what to do. Adrian released her arm and she continued to sit. "This dude..." Adrian put his arm around Nicholas' shoulders. "...Is an absolute fucking legend. I have never met anyone like him in my life... He saved me from a psychotic bitch who was trying to fuck me..." Adrian seemed to loose his train of thought. He was staring blankly out into the room at nothing in particular. Grace reached out and touched his arm. "Babe, lets go to bed." He looked at her for a few moments then nodded, got up and walked away towards her bedroom. Grace sighed and got up off Nicholas' lap. "Goodnight," she said to them as she followed Adrian down the hall. She went to the toilet and brushed her teeth before going into her bedroom. Adrian was already asleep. He was sprawled out naked on top of the covers. Grace looked at him for a while. He was a magnificent looking man, grand in every way. He was huge in height and breadth and he was all muscle. If she were a normal woman she was sure that she would appreciate his penis too. She sighed. She couldn't sleep in here tonight. She couldn't sleep in the same room with him naked. She hadn't even made it through an entire night with him in his boxer shorts yet. She pulled a clean pair of pajamas out of her dresser and went to Nicholas' room. Hopefully he wouldn't need to bring his friends back here for anything. She got changed, threw her dirty clothes in his laundry hamper and crawled into her end of his bed. She woke when he came into the room. He didn't turn the light on and she wasn't sure if he had seen her. He started to get undressed. He mustn't have seen her. She should say something. She knew she should say something. He was down to his boxer shorts, she could see the light from the window reflecting in a soft glow off the skin of his sculpted shoulders. Then he stripped his boxers off and she saw the strong lines of his muscular thighs and buttocks. He must be going to put clean clothes on to sleep in she thought, but he threw his dirty clothes across the room at the laundry hamper and climbed into bed. Shit. She hadn't expected him to do that. He hadn't noticed her. Maybe if she slept very quietly and stayed very still he wouldn't notice her at all and she would be able to sneak out early in the morning and he would never know. Suddenly he sat up quickly in bed and she instinctively shut her eyes. He had noticed her. She pretended that she was asleep and he must have bought it. She listened to the sounds of him slipping out of the bed, padding across the room, opening and shutting draws of his dresser and then he left. She waited for him to come back but he didn't. He must be sleeping on the couch. He must not want to sleep in the same bed as her. They hadn't shared a bed in a long time, not since that night when Mariko assaulted Adrian. That was three months ago. The next morning they went to the gym without Adrian. He was still passed out naked on Grace's bed. She didn't even try to rouse him, she just popped her head around the door and saw that he was still asleep. When they got back from the gym he was up and dressed. She cooked breakfast and they ate and chatted. Adrian was in a quiet mood. He asked her if she wanted to for a walk beside the river and she accepted. Usually they went their separate ways after breakfast on Sundays so that they could get homework done before the week started but he seemed like he had something on his mind, so they walked. Actually the reason they didn't hang out on Sundays was so that Grace could do homework. Adrian had very little interest in schoolwork. He didn't seem to know what a text book was. He read voraciously, but they were all crime novels or the biographies of criminals. Grace had finished assignments for him on a number of occasions last semester just so he could get them in on time. He didn't really seem to think that school was all that important. They walked down to the Weeks Footbridge and he paused on it and looked out over the frozen water. Grace stood beside him. "Is everything okay Adrian?" She asked. His brow furrowed. There was clearly something bothering him. "Gracie..." she looked up at him. He had a pained expression on his face, his eyes looked sad. "Please believe me that this isn't about sex. If it was just the sex thing I could deal with it, but it's not. I don't think we should see each other as a couple anymore." Grace was shocked. She hadn't been expecting this. "What are the other things?" She asked. "Nicholas." "What about Nicholas?" "Well... I know you don't have a physical relationship with him, I'm not accusing you of cheating or anything, but you two are more of a couple than we are." "What? Adrian, that's absurd." "If you could only have one word to describe what Nicholas is to you what would it be?" Grace thought about it. Nicholas was her best friend, but he was more than that. He was her cousin, but that didn't capture it either. "I guess I'd say family. He's my family." Adrian nodded. "But not your cousin. He's more than your cousin?" "Yeah, I guess." "He's your husband Grace. I know you're not married and that you don't have sex with him, but in every other way you two act like a husband and wife." Grace was gob smacked. She didn't know what to say to that. It was completely preposterous. "Adrian, I think you're over reacting. If you're jealous of Nicholas there must be some things that we can do to make you feel better about him." Adrian shook his head. "But that's just it. I'm not jealous of Nicholas. I like him. I think you two are good together." Grace couldn't believe what she was hearing. "But we're not together, I'm with..." Adrian cut her off. "He does your laundry Grace. He handles your panties and bras and it doesn't bother you in the least." How did Adrian know that? "He knows the names of all of the girls on your rowing team and which ones you like and don't like. He knows which classes you're taking at school and when your exams are. He even knows when you have your period." It was true. Nicholas never said anything to her about her period but five days a month he made her chamomile tea in the morning instead of black tea and it always coincided with the end of her cycle. She assumed that he must notice what she put in the bathroom trashcan and when. Adrian looked off into the distance. "And you..." He continued. "You're a walking encyclopedia of Nicholas. You know what foods he likes, what music he likes. You know which companies he is researching to buy shares in. You know the password to his computer and his bank account. You visit his grandparents with him on his birthday... "We've been dating for eight months, and you still make his pancakes last. You always make his pancakes last." Grace didn't know what to say. It was all true, but she still didn't think that made them husband and wife. Nicholas didn't even find her attractive. "What do you want me to do?" Grace asked. Adrian turned to her. "Nothing. What you and Nicholas have is special, what we have is friendship. We are friends who sometimes kiss, let's just stop the kissing part." Adrian walked her home to her apartment and hugged her on the front stoop. Then he left. Grace went inside. "What's wrong?" Nicholas asked. "You look upset." "Adrian just broke up with me." "Oh Gracie..." He said tenderly. He walked to her and enveloped her in a hug. "I'm sorry milaya." He rubbed her back the way he always did when he was trying to comfort her. Is that what husbands did? "Do you want some tea?" Nicholas thought that tea made everything better. Every time she had a problem he would ask if she wanted tea. "Okay." She sat at the kitchen table as he made the tea. It was probably just the ritual of it, the physical action of making tea that he liked. It gave him something to do while he thought of the right thing to say. Nicholas always said things that made her feel better. It didn't matter what the problem was, he always thought of something to say that made her feel better. He set the teapot, cups and strainers out on the table and sat down opposite her. Sweet peppermint wafted on the air. He had made peppermint tea, her favorite. "What are your favorite things to do Grace?" Where did that come from? "I don't know. I like rowing." "Yeah but that's your sport. What are the things that you like to do in your free time?" Grace thought about it. "I like museums... I like learning about random things... And I like walking. I like walking around places I've never been before, but I also like walking around places I know... So I guess I just like walking." "Not frat. parties?" "No, I think they're kind of stupid." "Did you ever go to any museums with Adrian?" He asked. "No. He's not exactly the museum type." Nicholas gave her a knowing smile and turned the teapot. It was one of those strange quirky things he did. He always turned it clockwise for three rotations and then counter clockwise for three rotations. He poured the tea and handed her a cup. He had already put honey in it and it was sweet and fragrant and soothing. "You were together for eight months right?" She nodded. "Eight months and you never did the thing that you put at the top of your list of things you like to do." Grace could see his point. The only times she'd been to museums or galleries since leaving Denver she had been with Nicholas. The MFA was free on Wednesday nights so they'd been there a few times, and when they had gone down to New York to visit his grandparents on his birthday this year they'd stayed the night in a hotel and gone to the Guggenheim the next day. It had been a good day for her, but Adrian would have hated it if he were there. She guessed that she and Adrian really didn't have that much in common outside of rowing. "Do you think Adrian likes leaning about random things?" Grace laughed. Adrian didn't even like learning about subjects that interested him. Nicholas leaned over and put his hand on top of hers. "Gracie, Adrian is a nice guy and I think he's a good friend, but he's not really boyfriend material for you. You need someone smarter, someone who likes the same things that you do." He squeezed her hand gently, then retracted his and turned his attention to his tea. There was only one smart person that she knew who liked the same things that she did and that was Nicholas, but he didn't seem to be suggesting that they should start dating, he was just sitting there drinking his tea. Curiously, she didn't feel better after talking to Nicholas that day, she felt worse. It wasn't because of breaking up with Adrian, she actually didn't feel too bad about that. In a way she was relieved, now she wouldn't have to feel like a constant disappointment for her inability to perform in bed, and seeing that they had never actually done anything more than kissing there was a pretty good chance she would be able to remain friends with him without feeling too awkward. She was upset because of Nicholas. She was confused about the feelings she had for him. When she had used the word family to describe Nicholas she hadn't meant cousin, or brother and he definitely wasn't like a father to her, although at times he did remind her of her dad. So what other family relationships were left other than husband? But she and Nicholas weren't like her mom and dad. Her parents' relationship had physicality that hers and Nicholas' lacked. Not just sex, her parents played with each other non-stop. They were always touching each other, kissing or tickling or patting or pinching or just plain cuddling outright. Nicholas only touched her when she needed soothing. Grace was perplexed. On the one hand it seemed that they had a relationship that was approaching that of a seriously committed couple, but on the other hand she knew that Nicholas didn't find her attractive. They had shared a bed for almost a year and never once did he try and touch her, never once had he gotten a hard on. Last night, when Grace had been in his bed, he had gotten up and left when he had realized she was there. So no, even if on the outside they had a marriage-like relationship, Nicholas didn't want to be her husband, or even her boyfriend. He had seen how badly damaged she had been and he didn't want to go where all of those disgusting men had been before. His penis never got hard when they were in bed together because he didn't want it to go near her, let alone in her. "Milaya." Grace instinctively relaxed when she felt Nicholas hands on her shoulders and heard his deep smooth voice. How was it that the person who was causing the stress could also be the one who dissipated it? "You've been looking at that same page for almost an hour. Let's go out and do something. Take your mind off him." Nicholas assumed the reason she wasn't getting anywhere with her homework was because she was thinking about Adrian. She sighed. "What do you want to do?" "How about we go downtown and start the Freedom Trail? We don't have to do the whole thing at once, we can just do one or two stops." Grace looked at her watch. It was just after eight on Sunday night, usually she went to bed between nine and ten at night but she had a break in the middle of the day tomorrow so she could come home and take a nap if she got tired. She decided to go. It was cold outside. It had been snowing and sleeting on and off for days and brown slippery snow was piled on the edges of the sidewalk. They took the train to Park Street, which was basically where the trail began. The first 'stop' on the trail was the Boston Common, the big park near downtown. Grace had been here a couple of times before but she didn't really know anything about it. Nicholas had printed out a guide from off the internet and he read out the blurb about The Common. 'Redcoat' soldiers had camped here before embarking on their 'fateful trip to Lexington and Concord.' Grace didn't actually know which fateful trip the guide referred to and nor did Nicholas. "I'll look it up when we get home," he said. They walked around the park in the dark. It was quiet and peaceful. They stopped to look at the monument to the soldiers and sailors and then went to the southwest corner of the park. "The Charles River used to have its bank right here," Nicholas said. It was weird to think of how much humans had changed the landscape. Someone had decided that Boson didn't have enough land and so they'd filled in part of the river and built houses and apartments and shops on it. "Look at this map Gracie." They were standing near a lamppost and Nicholas moved close to her so she could see the map that he'd printed out. It was a map drawn in 1775 by some guy called Lieutenant Page. It showed a tiny little island of land joined to the mainland by a skinny peninsula. She found The Common on the map and confirmed that they were indeed on the edge of the natural land. "Can you imagine how different it was? None of this existed back then," she said as she gestured to the land in front of them. "Mm... you would have had a lot more water to row on back then." They stood in silence for a moment. Presumably Nicholas was imagining what it was like over two hundred years ago, but Grace was just enjoying the stillness of the night. A year ago she wouldn't have been able to do this, she would have been too scared, even if Nicholas were with her. Now she just stood and enjoyed being able to be outside in the dark without being fearful. Nicholas put his arm around her shoulder and kissed her on her hair, and then rubbed her arm as if he was trying to warm her up. He must have taken her silence for sadness. "Home?" He asked. She nodded. "Can we walk?" "Sure." He took them the long way. Neither of them said anything about it but Grace knew it was so they wouldn't have to walk past the overpass. 3. The Grace I've Known Ch. 10-12 "It's nice to be out at night," Nicholas said. "We should do this every Sunday." Grace liked that idea and she agreed. If nothing else it would give her a chance to learn about the American Revolution and to get a little extra exercise in. They were mostly quiet on the walk home. Grace had a lot of things she could have thought about, rowing, school work, the break-up with Adrian, but no matter where she started her mind always came back to Nicholas. She was confused about Nicholas. She loved Nicholas and she loved living with him. He was the most ridiculously stable person she had ever met, he was her rock, the person she clung to when she lost her feet. When life threw her a curve ball Nicholas caught it and pitched it back at her slow and straight so that she could deal with it. He was the reason that she was functional. But it was more than that. She loved being with Nicholas. He was always giving her little compliments, be it about her cooking or how she had done her hair or how well she had done on an exam. He asked her opinion on things, both inconsequential and important, and he listened to her. He asked what she thought of different songs that his band played and she noticed that their set list changed accordingly. He asked her what she thought of the companies that he was investing his kung-fu movie money in and he listened to what she had to say. He made her feel important. Grace was aware that she and Nicholas were not normal college students. Even though her friends from rowing and classes were all living in apartments now they lived with other girls and were essentially independent. She didn't know anyone else whose life was inextricably intertwined with someone else's. Even the girls who had serious boyfriends weren't so deeply involved. Nobody else had someone to come home to the way Grace did. Perhaps that was a better word for Nicholas, he was her home. CHAPTER ELEVEN SPRING, SOPHOMORE YEAR The next Wednesday Grace decided to ask Nicholas if she could practice what she was learning in massage therapy on him. She had practiced on Adrian earlier in the semester but had given up on him pretty quickly. It had been impossible for Grace to touch Adrian without his cock getting hard, and that upset her and caused arguments. Adrian said he couldn't help it, he said it was just part of being male. She had refrained from asking Nicholas out of respect for Adrian, but now that they weren't dating anymore there was no reason not to practice on Nicholas. Today she was practicing the feet. They had half an hour before Nicholas had to leave for band practice. They were sitting at opposite ends of the couch with his feet in her lap and she was massaging them, with her textbook out beside her trying to identify the muscles, tendons and ligaments. The soles of Nicholas' feet were just a shade or two lighter than the rest of his warm brown skin. He had the same thing on his palms. "I want to learn too," Nicholas said. "Give me your feet." Grace swung her feet up onto the couch and Nicholas readjusted so that they were resting in his lap. His legs were so much longer than hers that he had a pronounced bend in his knees now, whereas hers were straight. She slid the pot of massaging cream down the coffee table to him and he greased up her left foot. "Teach me," he said. "Okay, this is your Abductor digiti minimi," she said as she ran her thumbs from his heel to his little toe. "Abductor... digiti... minimi," Nicholas repeated as he mimicked the strokes of her thumbs over the muscle in her foot. It sent sparks of pleasure up her leg and straight to her groin. Her breath caught in her throat. "Too hard? Sorry." Nicholas assumed that she had gasped because she didn't like it but that couldn't have been further from the truth. It felt amazing. Nicholas continued to rub up and down the lateral edge of her foot a little more gently, whispering the name of the muscle. "Okay, what else?" He asked. "Um..." She looked over at her textbook. "This is the Abductor hallicus." She ran her thumbs along the medial edge of the arch of his foot. Again he copied her while repeating the name of the muscle and again the pressure on her foot caused a warm sensation to pass across her pussy and through her belly. It continued like that for each muscle that she showed him. She tried to concentrate on what she was doing, she tried not to let on that what he was doing felt so amazingly good, but she didn't know how successful she was. She was incredibly turned on. It was such a weird feeling. Her pussy was throbbing and she could feel wetness in her panties, her nipples were aching and her lips were tingling. Adrian had rubbed her feet before but it felt nothing like this, nothing this sensual. Nicholas didn't realize that he was turning her on. He was acting totally normally, asking questions and chatting in his regular deep smooth voice. When she had told him all of the muscles he put down her left foot and greased up her right one with the massage cream. "Okay pop quiz," he said, flashing her his straight white teeth in a wide grin. "Give me your textbook." She handed the textbook down to him and he closed it and set it aside. He massaged the muscles in her foot one at a time and she had to identify them. It was excruciating. The anticipation of his touch made his strokes explode with sensation and caused her pussy to scream with need. She wanted to touch herself so badly. She passed the quiz and then he did something unusual. He lifted her foot out of his lap and leaned down and kissed it. Not in a passionate or sexy way, he just kissed the sole of her foot once, and then did the same to the other foot. She was a bit shocked, but he just smiled at her as if it was totally normal. He made it feel totally normal for him to be kissing her feet. "I hope you don't expect me to do that to your feet," she said. "Yours are way too stinky." She was trying to lighten the mood. Trying to snap herself out of the haze of pleasure that he had given her. "They are not!" He said indignantly. "You better be careful Gracie, I might just retract their services as a prop for your studying." He was smiling at her and tickling her belly with his toes. She giggled and tried to tickle him back, but her legs weren't long enough to reach his belly. He laughed at her feeble attempts at tickling with her feet, and then his eyes went wide and he squealed like a pig when she grabbed his feet and started tickling them with her fingers. He leapt backwards to get away from her and ended up perched on the arm of the couch. Grace was laughing so hard she was in danger of peeing her pants. She had never heard anyone make a noise like that before. Nicholas went red with embarrassment and it only made Grace laugh harder. "Do you have a little curly tail?" She teased. "Should I be fattening you up for slaughter?" "Very funny Gracie. You just gave me a fright." He said it seriously but she could tell he wasn't upset, his posture was still relaxed and there was no tension in his muscles. Nicholas regained his composure and left for band practice, leaving Grace all alone in the apartment for two hours. It took all of five seconds for her to decide what she wanted to do with her free time. She went into her bedroom and closed the door, just incase he came back. She took off her clothes and got into bed, pulling the covers up over her. It wasn't that cold in the apartment, she just didn't want to look at her body. She didn't like looking at herself if she didn't have to. She let her hands run over her body, noticing the way it felt, the way all of the nerves in her skin seemed to jump in anticipation of her touch. Her fingers passed over a nipple and there was a sharp flash of pleasure. She squeezed her whole breast and a quiet moan escaped her throat. She tried to just concentrate on the feeling of her hands but she couldn't help her mind from wandering, and every trail it ventured down led to the same thing... Nicholas' hands on her body. She tried to resist. She tried to turn them into Adrian's hands, even though they weren't dating anymore somehow it seemed more appropriate than thinking about her best friend who she knew had no desire for her. But her fantasy was stubborn, they were Nicholas' long slender hands passing over her skin, squeezing a breast, caressing over the curve of her hip. It was Nicholas' hand that slowly stroked up her inner thigh, Nicholas' brown fingers that gently passed over the swollen lips of her pussy, sending little electric shocks inside her. His fingers found the little nub of her clitoris and started rubbing it in slow circular strokes. As the heat grew in her pussy she wondered what it would feel like to kiss that perfect mouth of his. She wondered what it would feel like if she pulled him in close to her and pressed her lips up against his. She was rubbing her clitoris quickly now and she felt the glow beginning. She took her free hand and pressed her palm against her aching mouth. She moved her lips against her skin, pretending it was Nicholas. She opened her mouth and her tongue left a wet trail as she turned her hand so that she was nibbling on the webbed area where her thumb joined onto her hand. Her hips were rocking back and forth as her fingers darted over her clitoris. She felt the swell deep inside her belly and then her orgasm burst inside her, causing her back to arch and her head to press back into the pillow and suddenly she was caught in the most intense flashback. She could see his horrible crooked teeth and smell his awful breath, heavy with alcohol and tobacco. His sweat beaded on his head and dripped down onto her face as he pounded her mercilessly. "Kolya..." Her own voice was distant and dreamlike. Where was Nicholas? She needed Nicholas but he wasn't coming to her. Her conscious brain was slowly able to take control. She forced her eyes opened. She was in her room. Nicholas was at band practice. He wasn't here but she was safe. Her chest was tight and heavy. She had a horrible sinking feeling as shame and guilt and powerlessness submerged her, threatening to drown her. She quickly removed her hand from her pussy and tucked it beside her chest as she instinctively curled up into the fetal position. She tried to breathe slowly and deeply, she thought about her happy place, her dad's home office. She thought about the books in his bookshelves and the whiteboard that was always filled with equations in his scribbly handwriting. Symbols that meant nothing to her and everything to her at the same time. She thought about his desk that was so neat. The papers stacked precisely on either side of his workspace. The photograph of a golden retriever in the surf on the wall. His filing cabinet. The cup full of pens and pencils that was forward and to the left of where he would sit. It was working. The boring constancy of her dad's office was bringing her back. When her psychologist had first started telling her about having a happy place she had misinterpreted, she had thought that she meant memories in which she had been happy, like when she was on vacation at the beach, or when she had been accepted to BU, but what actually worked for Grace was thinking of something that was so constant, so boring in its sameness that it could relied on to be exactly the same each time she needed it. Like her dad's office... or her dad's love. It was one of the reasons that she had been so worried about him finding out about the rape. One of the things that the other survivors used to talk about at the support group she went to was the way their families reacted to what had happened. Rape touched everyone and it changed everyone. People could not be relied on to be the same as they once had been. She was so relieved that her dad was okay about it. Nothing had changed with him. At first he had seemed stiff and distant, but after that first night he pretty much went back to normal. He didn't ever talk to her about it but when he hugged her goodbye he held on a little longer than normal and he told her that he loved her and that he was proud of her. She lay there, naked in her bed, breathing slowly and deliberately. What had just happened? She hadn't had a flashback that bad in ages. It must have been the orgasm. That was the first time she had reached orgasm since the rape. It wasn't the first time she had touched herself, but usually she lost interest after a while. Orgasm just wasn't something she had been particularly interested in for a long time. There was a period in high school when she had been really fascinated by masturbating. She got to know her body pretty well back then, she knew what she liked and what hurt and what just didn't really do much for her. Now she wondered if those things would still be the same after such an awful experience with rape and now a hiatus from orgasm for so long. She didn't call what had happened to her sex anymore. She hadn't since Nicholas had pointed out that she was allowed to define sex as something more than just the physical. Now it was rape if she was feeling brave or assault if she wasn't. She got up and took a shower. She touched herself carefully, trying not to notice the feeling of the warm water over her still sensitive lips. She was torn about the orgasm. How could something that had felt so good at first turn into something that had frightened her so deeply? Caused her to have such a violent flash back? Would she always have flash backs when she had an orgasm or was it just because it was the first time? She didn't know, but she did know that it would be better if she found that out on her own. The next Wednesday, after Nicholas had massaged the muscles of her ankle and lower leg and she was thoroughly aroused, and he had left for band practice, she went back into her room at tried again. She was nervous, but she took comfort in the fact that she was bringing this on to herself. If she felt unable to deal with it she would just stop. It was the same thing as last week, when she climaxed she had a flashback. It was awful and stinky and disgusting but she was able to pull herself out of it a little quicker and without yelling for Nicholas. That was some sort of progress. Despite the flash backs Wednesdays quickly became Grace's favorite day of the week. Sundays ran a close second, but on Wednesdays she got to touch Nicholas, and Nicholas touched her, and nothing could be better than that. Nothing could even come close to being equal with that. Grace suspected that Nicholas liked their massage sessions too. He always beat her home and had always showered by the time Grace got back from her class. He was incredibly attentive, he listened to what she said and observed the way she touched him, then returned her massage gently yet firmly. On Sundays they went to the gym in the morning and ate breakfast together, did school work during the day, and at night they walked the freedom trail, no matter the weather, and that was her second favorite part of the week. Walking the dark empty streets of Boston, they learned about the American Revolution, but more importantly they talked. They talked and talked and talked. They talked about random things, things that didn't really matter, and they also talked about things that mattered deeply. They told each other their fears. Nicholas was insecure about his brother Lucas and, she was surprised to learn, about her younger brothers too. He couldn't help but compare himself to them. To Grace it seemed like a stupid thing to worry about, none of their brothers were going to be accepted to Harvard with scholarships the way that Nicholas had, none of them would ever be in a movie the way Nicholas had been, none of them would ever figure out how to invest and grow money the way that Nicholas could. He had so many talents that none of them would ever be able to live up to. "That's not the point Gracie," he had told her. "That stuff isn't important, what is important is being part of something bigger than yourself, being part of a family. Sometimes I worry that I'm too different to really be part of our family. I'm not my parents' son the way that Lucas is." He was right of course, in a way, but he was also wrong. Nicholas was different, he always had been, he was quiet and reserved and he had a seriousness about him that was at odds with the personalities of his mom and especially his dad. More than that, Nicholas was sensitive. He took things seriously. He didn't seem to know when someone was making a joke, which was like a death sentence in his family. But that didn't mean that he didn't fit in. You don't need to be the same as the people around you to be part of the group. Grace thought carefully about how to word her response. Finally she said, "I think you're wrong, being different doesn't mean you don't fit in... but you know, as we get older the way I think of our family changes. When we were young our parents were the most important people in our world, but now that we are older I think we are allowed to change that. The way I see my family now is very different from the way I saw it a year or two ago." "What do you mean?" He asked, looking at her inquisitively. Grace didn't really want to say this out loud. She wished there were some way for her to tell Nicholas how important he was to her without actually telling him. "Well..." She hesitated. She should say this. He deserved to know this. "When I used to think of my family I would think first of my mom and dad, then my brothers, then your family, then grandparents. Now when I think of my family I think of you, then the rest of them..." She stole a glance at him to gauge his response. He was staring at her with wide attentive eyes. She soldiered on. "So even if you feel like you don't fit in with your family back in Denver, I think you fit in with me, is all I'm trying to say." She said it quickly, growing more embarrassed as she came to the end. She felt her cheeks flushing red. It had sounded more reasonable in her head. There was a pause and then Nicholas put his arm around her shoulders and squeezed her body to his briefly. They were still walking and so it was a little awkward and stilted. "I love you too Grace," he said softly. She didn't know what he meant by that. They were talking about their families and so he was probably talking about brotherly love. The way he put his arms around her shoulders instead of her waist made it feel friendly rather than romantic. It made her feel impatient. She was starting to realize that she wanted more than just brotherly love from Nicholas. Nicholas wasn't the only one who spilled his guts on their Sunday night walks. She told him about her flashbacks, and she told him about how she feared men wouldn't want her once they knew about the rape. "I don't think you need to worry about that Gracie. All you need to worry about is choosing the right one," he told her. "But what if the one I want doesn't find me attractive because of what happened?" Nicholas shook his head. "Grace, if such a fool existed, which I doubt he does but if he did, then he wouldn't deserve to be in the same room as you." "But..." she struggled. She wanted to ask him if he found her attractive but she didn't know how. Things had been changing with Nicholas. She was no longer certain that he wasn't attracted to her. Their massage sessions had taken on a new intensity and these days he kissed her a lot. Every Sunday he kissed her when they decided to turn around and walk home. They were just friendly kisses on her hair or forehead, but they were kisses nonetheless. "Spit it out," he ordered. 3. The Grace I've Known Ch. 10-12 She looked down at the pavement. "You don't find me attractive," she said quietly. Nicholas was silent beside her. She was too afraid to look at his face, and so she continued, voicing the memory that haunted her. "When you saw me you threw up. I was so disgusting that you vomited immediately." She was talking about that night, when he found her half naked and covered in semen in the stinking dirt under the road. He stopped walking and caught her arm to stop her too. He gently tilted her head upwards so that she was looking into his eyes and he said, "Grace, what they did to you was disgusting, you are not. The stress of seeing you so badly hurt is what made me throw up, not you. You are beautiful." She blinked a few times, hoping that she hadn't misheard. "You think I'm beautiful?" She asked softy. He nodded solemnly. "I think you are very, very beautiful." Grace couldn't help the smile that she felt spread across her face. It was plain to see that Nicholas believed the words he was saying, he thought she was beautiful, not disgusting. Nothing had ever pleased her more. They continued walking the freedom trail. She was looking forward to her kiss, even if it was just a friendly one on her forehead she still loved it. They went to the site of the Boston Massacre and she stood on the circle of dark grey stones set in the sidewalk while Nicholas read the blurb about it from his guide. "There is a reenactment of it each year," Nicholas said. "On the anniversary, which is... March 5th. Oh, we just missed it," he said, disappointed. Grace frowned, it would have been fun. "Bummer, we'll have to remember it for next year." Nicholas smiled at her, the light from the streetlights reflecting off his white teeth. "Okay, next year then," he agreed. "Home?" He asked. She nodded, anticipating what came next. Next was when Nicholas put his arm around her and kissed her on her head, that's the way it worked. But he didn't do that tonight. Tonight he turned around and started walking back the way they'd come. What happened? How come she hadn't gotten her kiss? She stood rooted to the ground, unclear of what she'd done wrong. Nicholas was a few steps away and he turned back to her with a sly smile on his face. "Did I forget something?" He asked. Grace didn't want to say anything incase her voice broke so she nodded. Nicholas approached her, still smiling. "Oh I see," he said in a musical voice, "Gracie wants her kiss." Grace nodded again. This felt different. Her heart was pounding in her chest. They had never acknowledged his kisses before. Nicholas stepped into the circle of dark stones so that he was very close to her and brought his hands up to cup her face. Warmth radiated from his fingers, thawing her chilled flesh. His smile faded slowly. In the soft light of the street lantern his eyes were so dark that they appeared to be black. Deep, black and perfect. He leaned his head down to her slowly but he didn't stop at her forehead, he stooped lower and lower until his lips pressed gently against hers. His lips were warm and soft and he moved them slowly and deliberately as he stroked her cheeks with his thumbs. Grace let her eyes fall shut as she concentrated on the divine feelings that he was stirring in her. Nicholas was kissing her. Grace's heart was racing and her head felt light and free. Nicholas was kissing her, and this wasn't a friendly brotherly kiss, this was more, it was a passionate kiss. It was a kiss that spoke of hidden feelings, one that alerted her to the desire that lay simmering beneath his calm exterior. Grace felt a tense ache twist in her chest and she wondered how a simple kiss could cause such an intense reaction. The aching want, the desire for him, the need, ripped through her body and possessed her entirely. His lips were decisive and yet careful, gentle in their exploration of hers. He elicited emotions so deep and profound Grace knew there were tears in her eyes. This was a new Nicholas, but at the same time it was the Nicholas she knew well. His lack of timidity should not have surprised her, she had seen him on the dance floor and sparring enough to know that physical contact was something that he was good at. It was not a stretch to accept that he would have a talent for intimate contact too. She didn't know how long he kissed her for, but it was nowhere near long enough. Something told Grace that there would never be a kiss long enough to satiate her now that she knew. Now that she knew that this most exquisite man, the most beautiful, kind and trust-worthy man to have ever walked the earth, loved her she would never have enough of him. When Grace opened her eyes Nicholas was looking down at her, the corners of his mouth turned up in a contented smile. The seconds ticked by and still he just looked at her and smiled. Maybe she should say something. What do you say at a time like this? There were no words to describe what was happening inside her chest right now. Nicholas' hands were still cupping the sides of her face and when he moved them away the cold air stung her skin like a thousand pin pricks. He took her hand in his and stepped out of the stone circle in the direction of their home. Grace followed hesitantly. She didn't want that moment to be over, for it to be just a memory. She wanted to live it over and over and over again. She hoped that she wouldn't have to wait until next Sunday for another kiss. It was past midnight when they made it home. Grace reluctantly relinquished Nicholas' hand so that he could open the door to their apartment and followed him inside. She wanted so badly to sleep in the same bed as him, to cuddle into him the way that she used to. It had been far too long since she had slept with him. But it was late. She needed to get up to start her day in four and a half hours time, she needed every second of sleep she could fit in and she had a feeling that she wouldn't sleep well beside Nicholas tonight. Nicholas' thoughts must have echoed her own because he went straight into his getting ready for bed routine. Grace changed into her pajamas and passed him in the hallway as she was headed to brush her teeth. He was on his way to bed and he caught her arm as she passed. "Sleep tight milaya," he murmured to her softly and planted a kiss on her forehead. "Goodnight Kolya," she replied. "Thank you for the nice walk." He smiled down at her. "No, thank you Gracie." She smiled back at him. He squeezed her arm gently before he released her and walked away to his bedroom. CHAPTER TWELVE Nicholas wanted to go home and back to bed after he dropped Grace off at the BU athletics gym the next morning, but he couldn't afford to. He had a contract for a new movie that he had to learn a bunch of new weapons skills for. He had never really been into weapons before and now he was paying for it. It's not that he couldn't do the tricks, it's just that each stunt took a long time for him to perfect, so he'd been in the gym a lot lately. He actually had two movies lined up to shoot this summer. It had been a hard decision to make. He had been offered an internship at a big investment company that he desperately wanted to take but there was no way to fit both the internship and the movies in. In the end Grace had pointed out that he had the rest of his life to work for an investment company, but probably only a few years when he could make money making kung-fu movies. As usual Grace was right. This morning he was having difficulties concentrating, he couldn't stop thinking about kissing Grace. He would be in the middle of a move and all of a sudden he would remember how soft she was, how she had practically melted beneath him. It wasn't all together safe, and so he decided to do a weights session instead. He couldn't believe his luck recently. Adrian had broken up with Grace. He felt bad about how happy that had made him feel, it had obviously upset Grace, but she had gotten over it. It wasn't long before she started dropping hints that she was interested in him as more than just a friend. On Wednesdays, when they massaged each other, the heat that flowed between them was undeniable. Every week he watched as Grace's cheeks flushed and her lips swelled full and deep red when he touched her body. It was the sexiest thing he had ever seen. And her smell... god she smelled amazing. At first it was just at the end of their 'practice' massages that he would notice the thick haze of sweet musky scent that surrounded her, but now she smelled that way before they even began. It drove him insane with desire. A lot of things about Grace drove him to distraction these days. She smiled at him so sweetly when he thanked her for cooking dinner. He had always thanked her for cooking, but she hadn't always smiled like that, she used to just say 'uh-huh.' She had started humming and singing again. At first it was just when she was in the shower that he would hear the muffled sounds of her clear serene singing voice, but now she was singing all the time. She sang while she was cooking dinner, she hummed while she read her textbooks and cleaned the apartment. Grace seemed happy, and that more than anything else turned him on. Sometimes she had her friends from the physical therapy program over to study and when she introduced Nicholas to them she didn't say that he was her cousin the way that she used to. Now she didn't explain who he was, she just said 'This is Nicholas,' and that was the end of it. Grace had a never-ending supply of friends. She was the sort of person that everyone wanted to be friends with. She was easy-going and witty and smart, fun to be around. She seemed to know what to say and when. Nicholas could count his friends on one hand... Grace, Zach and Lucas, he only needed the second hand if you counted Grace's younger brothers. It was kind of sad that the only friends he had were the people he was born into, the people who were required to love him by definition, but that's the way it was with Nicholas, he just wasn't good with people. He couldn't wait to see Grace again. He wanted to touch her and kiss her and hold her, but he wasn't going to. He was going to let her dictate how fast things moved between them. He was only going to touch her when he massaged her on Wednesdays and kiss her on Sundays. That way she could pull out if she wanted to. If she changed her mind it would be easy for her to make up an excuse. He hoped she wouldn't change her mind but that had to be her decision. There wasn't much time to dwell on their relationship. His family was coming to visit them that weekend for Easter and there were preparations to be made. They weren't religious, they didn't actually celebrate Easter, but he and Grace both got Easter Friday and Monday off school so it was a good weekend to visit. His parents and brother stayed in the apartment with him and Grace. His parents slept in his bed and he and Lucas slept in the lounge room on the thermarest camping mats. The morning after they arrived he took Lucas for a run along the river after dropping Grace off at the boathouse. It was the last days of winter, or the first days of spring, depending on how you looked at it. The first shoots of the bravest bulbs poked up out of the ground like submarine periscopes surveying the aftermath of a war. The river ice was melting and the air was just cool instead of biting cold. "Do you drop her off every morning?" Lucas asked. "Yeah. It's not safe for a girl to be walking around alone at five o'clock in the morning." "Huh." Nicholas didn't want to have to explain further than that and luckily Lucas dropped the issue, he had other things on his mind. "Did you hear that I quit swimming?" Nicholas was surprised. "No. Why?" "It's not fun anymore. I don't like racing. I can't stand beating Micah, it means so much more to him than it does to me." "So choose a different event so you don't have to race him." Lucas shook his head. "Nah, I'd still have to train with him. I'd still have to look in his eyes and know how crushed he is because I'm better at it than he is. I'd prefer to just quit." "What did dad say?" "Nothing." "What do you mean nothing? I thought he'd throw a fit." Lucas shrugged his shoulders. "He didn't say anything about swimming. He just told me it would be a good idea to keep on working out regularly so I don't get fat." "You're kidding?" "No. He didn't seem to care. I joined the cross country team." "You are on the cross country team?" This just kept getting more and more bizarre. Lucas was monstrously big, to say he was ill suited for cross country running would be a colossal understatement. "Yeah, I really suck," he said with a grin, "but it's fun. I made a bunch of friends with other guys who suck at it too. It's nice to have low expectations for a change. Maybe when I go to college I'll try swimming again, or maybe not. I might try this rowing thing that Grace seems to think is so great." Nicholas had to talk to his dad about this. He didn't understand why he wasn't upset about it. Lucas' swimming was such a great source of pride for him. Finally he got him on his own. They were in Faneuil Hall and the rest of them went into a gift shop. "So what do you think of Luka quitting swimming?" Nicholas asked. His dad shrugged his shoulders. "If he doesn't like it he shouldn't do it. I don't know why he quit, but it's his decision and I can respect that." "He told me it was because he doesn't like beating Micah." "Hmm... I can see how that would be hard. I though he was doing it to rebel against me. He's fourteen, the same age you were when you were a shit." That was one thing that you had to love about his dad, he just came out and said whatever he thought. "You seem surprised," he said. Nicholas was surprised. "I thought you would be really upset about it." "No. I only want two things for you boys... for you to be good people and for you to be happy. Luka can be both of those things without being a swimmer." Nicholas was silent. It seemed like that was the end of the conversation, but then his dad turned to him. "You know dedushka was a cellist right?" "Yeah." "Did you know that your babushka was a violinist once?" "No. I didn't know that." Nicholas had no idea that his grandmother was a violinist and he had no idea where his dad was going with this. "Yeah, she was very good, until she broke her hand in a back-yard game of baseball. So I grew up with parents who were both musicians, and a brother and sister who were also talented musicians, but I had no talent of my own. I always felt like a disappointment. "When I became a father I decided that I would never push sports on you boys. If you wanted to do sports that was fine and I would come and watch and support you, but I didn't want to push you to be like me. "Do you remember when you went to that taekwondo tournament in Tucson?" "Yeah." Of course Nicholas remembered it. That was the last time he'd ever competed. "You were so good at it. It wasn't even a competition, more like a showcase of your skills. But I could tell you hated it. After the last match you came back to us and you looked green. I thought you were going to throw up you looked so upset. Your mother was horrified, she wanted to take you to the hospital because she was convinced you must have an internal injury, that's how bad you looked. "I knew you would win if you went to the national titles, all of the judges told us that they had never seen anyone with a talent like yours, but it had to be your decision. You said you didn't want to go, and that was the end of it. I've always been proud of myself for not pushing you to use your talent, the same as I hope I'll be proud of myself for not pushing Luka to use his." Huh. Well that was... interesting. All of this time Nicholas had assumed that his dad didn't care because it wasn't swimming that he was good at when actually he did care, he cared enough to not question his decision. He wondered if there were other incidents that he had misinterpreted. "How's it going with Grace?" His dad asked. Nicholas was suddenly aware that he had been watching her. She had come to the front of the store with his mom, who was at the register buying something. Probably a tea towel, his mom always bought tea towels back from wherever she visited. He tore his eyes away to look at his dad, who had half of his mouth turned up in an evil smile. "No comment," Nicholas said dryly. His dad chuckled. "Fair enough." On Sunday they all went up to his Aunt Julia and Uncle Julian's house for a big holiday-style dinner. His Grandma Christine and Grandpa Tom were there as well. It felt so natural to have Grace there with him. She fit in so well. Grandpa Tom had to be reminded who she was a few times, but he had to be reminded about a lot of things these days so that wasn't a big deal. In the car on the way home, Nicholas and Grace squeezed in the back seat with Lucas. Grace sat in the middle and Nicholas couldn't tell if she was leaning into him or if it was just that Lucas was so enormous that she had no choice but to squish into him. Either way he thoroughly enjoyed the feeling of her soft body pressed against him. Lucas was soon asleep, he always slept in moving vehicles, Nicholas was convinced it was a type of motion sickness. Nicholas spoke quietly so that only Grace would hear him. "The next stop on the freedom trail is Faneuil Hall, but we already went there yesterday." "Oh." Grace sounded disappointed. "So do you want to skip it this week?" "No. Unless you want to?" Please say no, Nicholas thought. "No." He smiled. "Okay, lets just move onto the next stop, I think it is Paul Revere's house." "Okay, are you going to invite your family?" He really didn't want to. More than anything he wanted to be alone with Grace. "I think I'd better." She nodded. Nicholas was happy that nobody else wanted to go with them. Lucas was particularly uninterested. "You walk around at night and look at old buildings?" He asked. "Yeah, I guess that's one way of looking at it," Nicholas replied. Lucas shook his head. "You guys are so weird." They caught the train downtown and fell into step along the now familiar red brick trail. Nicholas caught Grace's hand and she didn't resist him, in fact she moved closer to him. He told her about the conversation that he'd had with his dad about quitting sports, the misunderstanding that had taken seven years for him to figure out. "See," Grace said as she bumped against him, "your dad doesn't think it's important for everyone in the family to be the same." He smiled down at her. "No, you were right." She gasped when he read the blurb about Paul Revere and his house. "Sixteen children?" "That's what it says, sixteen children by two wives." "You don't want to have sixteen children do you?" She asked, her eyes wide and guarded. Nicholas laughed. "No, maybe two or three, definitely not sixteen. How about you?" "I don't know. I used to think I wanted a couple but now I don't think I can." Nicholas was confused. He knew that Grace menstruated like any normal woman would. "What do you mean?" "I..." she hesitated, unsure of herself. "Well, I don't know if I can have sex." Her cheeks were flushed red. Why was she telling him this? Was she trying to warn him? She seemed to feel the need to explain herself. "With Adrian I'd have flashbacks as soon as he got... you know... excited." Ah. Grace was afraid of penises. He couldn't say he blamed her. "You don't have to have sex to make a baby you know," he said. 3. The Grace I've Known Ch. 10-12 She gave him a funny little grin. "I thought you said you got the birds and the bees talk twice?" He laughed. "How do you think lesbians get pregnant? I think a turkey baster works just as well." Grace's face twisted into a grimace for a moment, but then she laughed. "I'm never going to be able to watch my dad baste the thanksgiving dinner again." Nicholas laughed with her while he stepped down into the gutter and turned her around to face him. He wanted to kiss her properly tonight, and that could only be better if their faces were level. The six-inch gutter left him almost level with her face. He put his arms around her waist and pulled her in close. She was still smiling about the turkey baster as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and leaned in to kiss him. This was amazing. He could stand here and kiss Grace all night long. Tonight she was much more involved and it was so good. Her lips parted and she invited his tongue into her mouth and she explored his mouth. She was gentle and patient and sensuous as she returned his caresses. After a time she pulled back from him and spoke. She was serious again, her words were soft and somber, her hand stroked the side of his face. "Kolya, I want to be honest with you. I don't know if I'll ever be able to have sex... I am likely to be the most frustrating girlfriend you'll ever have." She looked so sad. Her forehead was creased with worry and her big amber eyes stared at him solemnly. "It's okay Gracie," he reassured her. "I could spend the rest of my life with you and never have sex and I would still die the happiest man on the earth." He really did believe that. Of course he would love to have sex with Grace, but just being with her was enough, knowing that she loved him was enough. He kissed her on the nose and hugged her close. Grace was small and soft and wonderful. *** Nicholas' band really weren't that good, but god did they look like they were having fun up there, and in turn the small crowd was having a good time. Brandon, the singer, was so full of life, an ideal front man. The rest of them, Nicholas on guitar, Leon on Bass and Chad on the drums, were the ones who were actually making the music but when you watched the band all you saw was Brandon. Unless you were Grace, she would always see Nicholas, her eyes just wouldn't leave him alone. She had been surprised when Adrian had called her that week and asked if he could come to this gig. He was tentative. "Gracie, I don't want to upset you, I just want to be friends with you and Nicholas," he had told her. She didn't see any reason for him not to come, and Nicholas agreed, so here he was, big, dumb, blonde and loveable as ever. It was surprisingly easy to hang out with him, she didn't have any left over feelings for him and she was pretty sure that he had moved on. In fact Grace had a feeling that Adrian had moved on long before he actually broke up with her. This suspicion was confirmed when he asked if he could come to the gym the next morning and bring his new girlfriend Sarah. Grace didn't even think about it, she just said yes. Nicholas didn't seem too perturbed about it when she told him, he just shrugged and said, "This should be interesting." He didn't ask his band mates over after the gig the way he had in the past, instead just the two of them walked the half a mile home after they packed all of the gear in Leon's Jeep. Nicholas took her hand and swung their arms back and forth in a big arch. He was in a good mood, she could tell that he had enjoyed himself. He spent most of the walk home trying to convince her that she should sing a song or two at their next gig. She actually kind of liked the idea. The band wasn't serious, it's not like anyone would be angry if she screwed up. When they got home they kissed for a while on the couch. This had become a common occurrence over the past couple of weeks. Grace couldn't figure out if she did or didn't like it that even though she got really turned on when they did this Nicholas still didn't get an erection. On the one hand it let her relax enough that she could actually enjoy what they were doing, but on the other hand it was a bit of a worry. Nicholas told her all the time how beautiful he thought she was, and it was hard to believe that he wasn't serious, so how come making out didn't turn him on? Then it struck her. Maybe Nicholas couldn't get it up, or maybe it was up and she couldn't feel it because he had a small one. It was possible. It would explain how he could be so earnest in his compliments and yet seem to not have the regular male response to physical contact. Once she figured this out Grace accepted it and moved on. It wasn't a big deal. If Nicholas could accept that they may never have sex because of her emotional problems she could accept that they may never have sex because of his physical problems. "I need to take a shower Gracie, I'm all gross and sweaty from the show," he told her. "Okay," she replied. "I should probably shower too, but you go first." After she got out of the shower and had brushed her teeth she went to his room to say goodnight. He was sitting in his bed with his laptop open working on something. "What are you doing?" She asked. "You remember that money your dad gave us? I'm trying to figure out if I should pull some of the shares that I bought with it or not. That company that makes the plastic cups made out of cellulose is doing pretty well, it looks like a good time to sell but for some reason I'm having a hard time actually doing that." "I like that company. I think you should keep them." It was a pretty simplistic view but Nicholas looked at her for a few seconds and then shut his computer and put it on his bedside table. Grace stood at the end of his bed caught in indecision. She wanted to sleep in his bed but she wasn't game to ask. Nicholas saved her. He held his arms out to her and she gratefully climbed into his bed beside him. He turned out the light and they settled down under the blankets but instead of turning away from her like he used to he turned towards her and stroked her hair off her face. She could just make out the shape of his face from the light coming in the window. "Did you have a good day?" He asked. "Yeah, I did, did you?" "Mm, I had an excellent day." He kissed her lightly on the lips. "Turn over milaya," he said softly. Grace turned away from him and she felt his arms pull her into the cocoon of his body, into the safety of his embrace. Her head rested on his outstretched arm while his other arm curled around her, his hand lying over her clavicle. "Good night Kolya," she whispered. "Sleep tight milaya," he murmured, his breath so close to her that it made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. Grace was slightly disoriented when she woke up the next morning. Pale grey light streamed in the window and she figured out that she was in Nicholas' room, which meant that the arms around her were Nicholas' and the warm firm chest that was pressed against her back was Nicholas', but what was that hard thing pressing into her butt cheeks? It felt like an erect penis. It was in the right place to be one. Grace closed her eyes and waited for the flashback, she could feel the fear, the weight in her chest, the oppression. But then Nicholas stirred and said her name. "Gracie," he murmured in his deep familiar voice while he hugged her closer to him. She still had her eyes closed, she was sure that she was about to have a flashback, it felt like she was about to have one, the weight was there but no images came. The horrible drowning feeling dissipated slowly. She was just lying in Nicholas' bed and he had his arms around her and his erection was pressing against her. There was nothing scary about this. It did however reopen the mystery of Nicholas' penis. That did not feel like a small penis and it was definitely hard, so that discounted both of her theories of why he never got erections when they were making out. She stroked the back of his hand absentmindedly while she tried to come up with other possible explanations. Nicholas was waking up. It was five o'clock, past their usual time to get up. She felt his head move and then he sighed and kissed her shoulder. Suddenly his whole body went rigid. "Kolya? Are you okay?" Grace asked. "I'm sorry Gracie," he said as he pushed his body away from hers. "I meant to roll over in the night so you wouldn't have to feel that. Are you okay?" "It's okay," she said as she rolled over to face him. "Just give me second, I can make it go away." Nicholas looked so upset, like he thought he had offended her or something. "Kolya..." Grace moved back up against him. "It's okay, don't worry about it." It was gone. There was nothing hard in his pajama pants anymore. Grace was confused. "What happened?" "I made it go away," he replied simply. "You can control it?" "Yeah." Grace didn't know what to think. Adrian had told her that guys couldn't control their erections, had he lied to her? As if he had read her thoughts Nicholas told her, "I don't think all guys can. I learned how using Tai Chi." Tai Chi? Is that why he had gotten so into it all of a sudden last year? That must be why he never got an erection when they made out, because he was trying not to. "It's okay Kolya, you can let it come back if you want," she said quietly. He looked confused. "I thought it would scare you?" "I thought it would too," she admitted, "but it didn't." Nicholas lay there staring at her, looking conflicted. Grace brought her hand to his face and she kissed him. He was so perfect. She let her hand brush through his hair and then run down his back, over his t-shirt. When her hand reached the small of his back she decided to be bold, she found the edge of the fabric of his shirt and dipped her hand under it to feel his skin. Of course she had touched his skin before. She had massaged the muscles of his back and shoulders before, but that was under the pretense of learning their names, there was no such excuse now, now she touched him purely for pleasure. She moved her hand under his shirt and passed it over his firm tight skin. He was so warm. That was what Grace noticed the most as she moved her hands over his back and felt his cock pulse and grow and press into her leg. "Milaya you are so beautiful," he whispered to her. "I don't know how I got so lucky." Nicholas' hands stroked her hair and neck and down over her shoulders and the tops of her arms. Her skin ached for his touch and warmed under his hands. Everything Nicholas did to her felt good. She wanted that feeling in other places, she wanted him to touch her breasts and maybe even her pussy. She was tingling in anticipation but she wasn't sure if she could handle more than just cuddling yet. What she was sure of was that she wanted more of Nicholas. She wanted to feel his bare chest, to press herself up against his warmth. She tugged on his t-shirt and he sat up to help her get it off him. She pushed the sheets that they had been sleeping under away so that she could look at him. He had the most amazing body. She moved her hands over his firm stomach and pectorals. He had grown since that day in the gym when the talent scouts had made him take the top of his tobok off. He had two movies lined up to film this summer and the director of the first one had asked him to bulk up. Grace thought it was outrageous. Nicholas had been perfect just the way he was, she didn't care if some stupid director thought he should be bigger. When she had voiced her disapproval Nicholas had shrugged his shoulders and told her how much they were going to pay him. That shut her up. Now she didn't mind him being a bit bigger. He didn't look like a body builder or a thug the way she had feared, he still looked like Nicholas, just a more muscular version. He lay back down and held his arms out for her to snuggle back into him. Grace smiled. How could she resist an invitation like that? When it was time to get up and get ready for the gym she did so hesitantly. She didn't feel like seeing Adrian and his new girlfriend at the gym, she wanted Nicholas all to herself. It turned out that Sarah rowed bow seat of the Northeastern women's varsity eight. It was a bit awkward at first, she was supposed to be Grace's rival and here they were practicing self-defense together. But Sarah seemed nice, and she was cheerful and easy to talk to. Grace was getting to be pretty good at aikido. She and Nicholas had joined a class at a proper aikido dojo with a proper sensei that Grace thought was pretty amazing. Charlotte Sensei didn't just teach them techniques of self-defense, she also said wise things that made Grace think and helped her to be a better person. Charlotte Sensei said things that even made Nicholas stop and think. Of course that wasn't the only benefit, now that they were in a bigger class she had more people to practice with and that helped her with her confidence. Now Adrian couldn't touch her. It felt pretty good. It had been months since she had practiced with him and she had improved. She watched as Nicholas showed Sarah the basics. She guessed that is what she used to look like when she first started, Sarah was fumbling and laughing nervously. Nicholas had the patience of a saint. He smiled and showed Sarah the same move over and over again until she finally got it. Grace knew that he was stressed out about learning the tricks for the movie he had to film this summer. She knew he would prefer to be practicing with his weapons, and yet here he was helping a girl he had never even met before because her ex-boyfriend had asked him to. Not that Grace thought of Adrian as her ex-boyfriend, he was more like an extra younger brother to her now. It was easy to be around him, it didn't feel weird at all. They were done before Nicholas and Sarah were and they sat together and stretched. "Are you going to cox for the commercial crew again this summer?" He asked in reference to the crew they'd been in together last summer. "No. I'm going back to Denver this summer." "Oh. Bummer. Is Nicholas going too?" He asked with a sly smile. Grace knew exactly what he was implying. "No. He's going to be in LA all summer." Thinking of it depressed Grace, she didn't want to spend a whole summer away from Nicholas. They hadn't spent more than a week away from each other in almost two years and that's the way she liked it. Adrian was surprised when she didn't cook pancakes for breakfast. "What's happened?" He asked. "It's Sunday, I thought you always made pancakes on Sundays?" "Nicholas bought me a waffle iron," she explained. Adrian laughed. "How romantic." Grace looked at Nicholas who raised his eyebrows and one side of his mouth in a crooked smile. Adrian didn't know the half of it. Nicholas took a page out of his dad's book when it came to gifts. He was always bringing presents home for her and doing little romantic things. Sometimes he brought her flowers home from the markets, or chocolates, Grace had a major sweet tooth and Nicholas knew it. Every Friday he took her out for dinner, sometimes to fancy places, sometimes to hole-in-the wall restaurants, always to places that she ended up having good memories of. And hats, Nicholas loved to buy her hats. She had more hats than she knew what to do with. These little tokens of affection delighted Grace. She knew it was just one of the ways that Nicholas was trying to tell her that he loved her.