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If You Don't Tell

By: Mista_Q



December 29th (Wednesday)

I'd just gotten home from work. I threw off my sweat stained uniform, tossed it in on the couch and made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in my boxers. 

"It's too damn hot in this apartment." I muttered to myself and cut on the central air. I usually hated using the AC, it always grew too cold too rapidly, but it was unseasonably warm in Houston, TX, especially for this time of year. 

When I arrived home, the only thing I planned to do was sit down on the couch and watch sports highlights using the soundtrack of all the music I had downloaded illegally. To me, life didn't get much better than this; free music, free food, freedom.

I was enjoying my solitude and was halfway done with my sandwich when the phone rang. I leaned over the arm of my couch and checked the ID on the phone to find out it was my future wife, Laela, calling from her job.

"Hello to the first and only future Mrs. James."

She laughed and I loved it when she did. Even though I always teased her about her school girl laugh, I felt like I couldn't do anything wrong when she was laughing. "I got the flowers you sent me at work, they're really beautiful. All the other nurses on the unit were jealous." She said.

I had sent her flowers earlier in the day with the knowledge that her friends might get jealous. I liked doing things like that, especially when Laela would tell me how they thought I was such a great guy and that she'd better hold onto a brother like me. Damn right she better hold onto me. Even though we'd been together for five years, there were still women knocking at the door to see if I could come out and play. I never cheated on Laela and I didn't want her to have a doubt in her mind that I would, so I showed her how much I cared whenever I could. Women are so easy to please when you know how they think. "Well, I was just thinking about you and I wanted you to know that. They cost me a grip, but price is no object for my gal. How's your day been?"

"It's been okay; too long though. I wished I could come home and snuggle up with you. I know you're probably eating PB & J while watching sports. I wish I was right there with you, fondling Pedro while we watched TV together."

"No! I'm actually not doing what you just said. I'm doing the complete opposite as a matter of fact."

"You're a terrible liar."

"I guess that's a compliment, right?"

"Yes, it's a very good compliment. I can't wait to see you tonight. The girls up here have been talking about some things and it made me think about you, Pedro, and me. My favorite kind of threesome."

"Ah, so you want Pedro to come out and play." I didn't know why I named my dick Pedro, but it was pretty catchy. Whenever my friends and I talked, it was always easier to say 'Pedro beat it up' or 'They're in love with the Pedro' than it was to same the same thing with the word dick. "Pedro's still recuperating from last night. If you take him off of life support, you may have to give him mouth to mouth."

"I'll give him some mouth to mouth, but if he spits at me, I may have to put him in the hole."

"I see you're getting better at innuendo."

"I learned from a good teacher." We both laughed at the conversation we'd just had. "Hey Quinton, when we first met at the DPS, what did you think about me?"

"Do you want the truth or a convincing lie?"

"You know what I want."

"When I first saw you, um, you're still going to marry me right?"

"Yes, I will still marry you. That is unless you make me really unhappy."

"The impending threat of doom does nothing for my motivation, but I'll tell you anyway. Okay," I began, "when I first saw you, I wanted to get with Teniyah. It wasn't because you weren't pretty, it was because you had such a baby face that I thought you were her little sister. Then I saw she had a ring on her finger and I promised myself that I'd never get involved with a married woman. I was about to just walk away until you showed me your ID that I believed you were older. If you hadn't shown me that ID, I can't even tell you how awful my life would've been." Teniyah was her best friend and had been for longer than I'd known Laela. Teniyah was a few inches taller than me, and I always said I couldn't date anyone taller than myself, but when I first met her the first thought that came into my head was that we'd all be the same size lying down.

"Oh you say that now? Did you really want to get with Teniyah?"

"Not after I saw the ring and only after I thought you were her little sister. You have to admit, you still look young. Even when we go out to a club, you still get carded! I've never wanted to be with any other woman like I wanted to be with you, you know that."

"I do, but I'm never going to tell Teniyah what you just said. So are there any more tidbits or any missing pieces of information that I should know?"

"Yes. I think we're strong enough to make it now, but I wanted to let you know first." I paused for dramatic effect. "I used to be a woman." She was able to hold back her laughter, but I wasn't.

"I see you've got jokes. I just wanted you to know that when I first met you, I was adamant against meeting men and it was Teniyah who told me to call you. I had just broken up with you-know-who and I was feeling a little sour about guys. After we went out, I thought about you all the time and after the first time we did it, you could've told me to rob a bank and I would've done it just to have sex again. Whew!" She suddenly exclaimed. "I'm still getting shudders thinking about it."

"I'm glad we met Laela Booker. You mean the world to me and if anything were to happen to you, I wouldn't know what to do to myself. Whenever you work nights and I don't see you in the morning when I wake up, I get worried to the point I almost get sick. I would do anything for you and I hope you feel the same way about me. You know I love you, you know how I feel and I honestly can't wait for you to be my wife."

"I love you Quinton James and I'm not sharing you with anyone else, so you better not have a side girl on deck. I know you have your faults and I have mine, but I love you so much. Just saying it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy-like inside. Tonight when I get home, I'm going to show you how much. And I know you sent these flowers to make the other girls jealous, but that's okay, you just succeeded in making my panties wet." 

"I do what I do whenever I can do it."

"And tonight I'll be doing you."

Later that night when she arrived home, we had the most intense session we'd ever had since we'd been together. Damn that girl for knowing me so well. 



If You Don't Tell Ch. 02



"What the hell man? It's almost 9:30 and I asked you to be here before 9."

"Mike, I had a good evening and I don't feel like hearing your crap. Be happy that I got here when I did. All you need to do is throw on some dirty ass jeans, a decent shirt and go! How hard is that?"

"I'm about sick of you. You need to turn that attitude down or--"

"Or what, Mike? Are you gonna hit me? You would really hit a woman; your wife of all people, the mother of your child?" He turned away from me and stormed into the bathroom to get himself ready while MJ just sat on the couch looking curiously at me. I sat down on the couch next to him. "Promise me that you'll never get stuck in a situation like mommy has, MJ. Treat the women you meet with dignity and respect okay little man?"

"Da!" He shouted. I wanted to turn to grab Mike and let him know that MJ had finally called for him, but it seemed appropriate that he would miss out. 

"That's my pookie. Don't be like your daddy." I stood up in time to see Mike sneak out the back door without a hug or kiss goodbye. He didn't even take the time to tell me when he'd be back; something that was more of a demand than request whenever I left the house.

I sat down on the couch when the phone rang. I didn't feel like moving, but I picked MJ up, pulled myself off of the couch and answered it.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Is Mike there?" It was a man's voice, but there was slight feminine lisp and it wasn't a voice that was familiar to me. Usually whenever Mike's friends called, they greeted me and then asked for Mike. This particular person, whoever he was, either wasn't a friend or just didn't care about the protocol.

"No he isn't, may I ask--." Before I had a chance to ask who was calling, he hung up. The prevailing thought in my head was that this jackass had better not call here again or he was going to catch a earful of unpleasant words.

A half an hour of news had MJ's head looking for a comfortable spot on my chest as he tried to fall asleep. I changed his diaper and carried him to his crib where I laid him down. He looked so peaceful when he slept and amidst all this negativity that surrounded us, I was glad that he couldn't understand. 

"You're such a good baby." I whispered to him as I pulled his blanket over his tiny frame. "Your smile lights up my day, did you know that? I love you, MJ." I kissed him on his cheek and walked out of his room into the bathroom.

I thought about calling Quinton, but there'd be enough time for that. Besides, I had no doubt that he and Laela were still making up for the week they missed. 

I turned on the hot water and let it fill the tub. I brushed my teeth while the tub filled, taking notes of how tired I looked in my bathroom mirror reflection. After the steaming water was where I wanted it to be, I sat down in the heat, letting all the steam carry away all of the headaches and worries I had. With my whole body relaxed, I did something that I had forgotten to do for weeks; I touched myself and mentally relived the fantasy I had of Quinton on New Years.

*************

February 12th (Sunday)

I was on my way home after attending an early church service, when I received a call from Laela. It was just after 10:30 am when she called, which was unusually early for her to be calling on a weekend.

"Hey girl, you're up early today."

"I know. I didn't have to work last night. But anyways, I called the house and you weren't there. Are you on your way to church?"

"No, I went to an early service and I'm on my way back home. Well MJ and I went to an early service. If Mike didn't pick up the phone, I don't know where he could've went."

"Well, I called to invite you to a sort of women's forum. It's not really a forum so much as it is a debate and advice committee. It gives us women a chance to not only talk about our issues, but to comment on local, state, and governmental topics as well. I figured that since you liked to debate in high school that this would be the perfect thing for you. Did I mention that it's free and that they'll be feeding us too?"

"Well, that sounds too hard to resist. I hope they allow kids because with Mike not being home, I'm going to have to bring him." I looked in the back to check on MJ, who was content watching the back seat of my car. "Is that okay?"

"I'm not sure, but it is a woman's forum and women are usually in charge of the kids, so bring MJ anyway."

"Okay, so where is it at?"

"Well, we're meeting at my apartment and going from there. From what Niya tells me, it's in the house of a doctor who specializes in relationships."

"So the Raven is coming, too? You guys must be joined at the hip. Is she replacing me as your best friend or something?"

"Yes, she's coming and no we are not joined at the hip. She's not replacing you Monie, we've known each other for a while and we have a lot of things in common. She's the person who told me about it and I told you. I think it'll be good for all of us if we attend."

"Is the doctor a he or she?"

"It's a woman's forum, Monie. That usually means there aren't any men present. Why did you ask?"

"I was just wondering if there were any single male doctors, who didn't mind a woman with a child. You know, willing to spread the wealth!!"

"Girl, just bring your crazy ass over to my house. The meeting starts at noon and I know how you like to be late."

"I don't like being late, it's just ingrained into my personality with a hint of circumstance. I'll be at your house in half an hour." I immediately turned my phone off after I hung up so that Mike couldn't reach me if he called.

*************

A half an hour later, I was stuck in traffic on West Airport near Eldridge. Damn circumstances. I was about to call Lae to let her know I was on my way when I finally drove past a three car accident in the right lane. Even though the wreck looked pretty awful, there weren't any ambulances and most of the slow traffic was due to the rubbernecking from the people who drove by.

Five minutes later, I was pulling into Lae's apartment complex and found a parking spot not too far from where she stayed. I unbuckled MJ from his car seat and walked up to Lae's apartment; with my hands full of both MJ and his baby bag, I was forced to kick the door.

Lae quickly opened the door and ushered me in. "I see you're trying to break my door down." She said.

With the exception of the three of us, the apartment was devoid of any sound. "Where's Quinton?" 

"He went with his parents to church. Niya is on her way and I would like it if you please tried to be cordial. I don't know why you don't care too much for her, but I would appreciate it if you at least tried to be nice to her." I didn't feel like promising anything as far as the Raven was concerned, but I nodded anyway to keep Lae happy. "Thanks, that really means a lot to me." She smiled at grabbed an excited MJ from my arms. "Hey booger bear!" She tossed my son in the air and he loved every second of it. 

"Lae, you want to know why I don't like Niya, don't you."

"That would help to clear up some of the mystery. You didn't used to be like this until the last couple of months. What happened to change your mind about her? I mean I understand the 'Raven' thing, you're obnoxious like that, but I don't get the attitude."

"Lae, we go way back. You're just not there for me anymore. I mean back to high school and I've always depended on you. The last few months, it's like I haven't existed. All your free time, you spend it with her. Anytime I need some guidance, you're with her. I have my problems, but the only advice you have for me nowadays is 'I told you so' and frankly I'm tired of hearing that shit. The only time you talk to me now is when you stand on your stage to talk about the wrong that men do, especially Mike; we never just "girl talk" anymore. I bet if she had a problem, you'd be running to her aide. I feel like she's trying to take you away from me and you're letting her! I mean damn, y'all spend so much time together you might as well be dating!"

Lae timidly looked at me, like I'd said something that had hit a hidden bull's-eye. "Look Monie, I didn't mean to exclude you, but you're married. I just figured that since you had so much to take care of at home that I didn't want to come around and treat you like you're single when you aren't. If I've left you feeling like you aren't a big part of my life, I'm sorry and I'll try my best to keep you included in the things I do, okay?" She came over and hugged me with MJ still in her arms. "You forgive me?"

"I forgive you." I mumbled, but I didn't forgive her. To me it didn't truly seem like she wanted to reconcile, only trying to keep me from showing my disdain towards the Raven. The more I thought about it, the angrier I became. I ground my teeth together to keep myself from saying anything else, but what made me smile was knowing that in time she would get what was coming to her. I didn't know if I was going to be the one who did it, but since she was already leaving me for Raven, I at least wanted to be around when it happened.

"Yay!" She shouted and tossed MJ up is the air, much to his surprise. "But this still means you have to try and be nice to Niya."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I muttered, "I'll be on my best behavior, mommy."

She laughed and continued throwing MJ up in the air.

After she'd tossed him up for the sixth time, there was a loud banging at the door. I peeked through the peephole to find the Raven waiting on the other side. I opened the door and put on the phoniest smile I could muster. "Hey R--Niya! We've been waiting for you! How are you doing?" I went so far as to even offer a hug. She looked confused, but briefly accepted my hug anyway.

"Hello Simone. How are you doing?" She was cautious with her words, obviously aware of the slight amount of contempt I had for her. She stepped back and looked over me. "You know you didn't have to dress up. It's just a casual meeting." She was referring to the tan sundress I'd worn for church; the one I didn't get to change out of because of Lae's insistence that I meet at her apartment ASAP.

"I didn't dress up, we just came from church and we didn't bring a change of clothes." I replied. I was careful not to sound agitated, even though I was. I looked over at Laela who smiled at my restraint. "I don't have a baby-sitter, is it okay for MJ to come?"

"I don't see why not, it's a women's seminar, but anyway ladies, it's about time we left," she said as she rushed into the apartment. I looked Niya over and noticed how she and Niya wear wearing the same colored ensembles, white blouses with blue jeans and sneakers. Once again, I felt completely isolated and thoroughly overdressed in my church dress. 

"If I would've known everyone was trying to match, I would've went home and changed." I said, already feeling like I was left out of the loop.

"It's coincidence, Monie. I just threw on something comfortable and I can't help it if people want to be like me." She smiled at Raven who returned a smirk.

"Can we leave now? The last thing I want to do is walk in late and have everyone looking at us." Raven said, rushing us out of the apartment. I picked up all of MJ's belongings off of Lae's couch and drudged towards the front door.

I was about to take my time walking to my Olds when Laela grabbed my hand and swiftly guided us towards her shiny Accord. A few steps before we made it to her car she let go of my hand. "Monie, go and get the baby seat out of your car." I nodded and under Lae's watchful eye, jogged over to where I had parked to unbuckle MJ's baby seat and take it back to Laela's car.

After everyone was buckled in, Lae, MJ and I were heading south on Highway 6 weaving through traffic, following the Raven's red Chevy Cavalier through traffic.

"How long before we get there?" I asked.

"I don't know. From what Niya tells me, it's in some posh neighborhood in Missouri City."

I was still upset at Lae's dismissal of my feelings, so for the rest of the ride I remained silent and tended to MJ, who occasionally whined in Lae's back seat.

Ten minutes and a few right turns later we crossed over a bridge and into a subdivision that I missed the name of as we drove in. It may as well have been called, "Plantation Estates" with the smallest houses being at least three times bigger than my own. Also, the lack of color we saw while noticing people on the sidewalk and in their yards staring at us driving along the winding two lane road began to make me a little paranoid. 

The Raven stopped her Chevy at the gate of the most beautiful stone and stucco house I'd ever seen. As soon as she stopped, a valet in an ivory white jacket ran up to her. After a few words, the Raven stepped out of her car, gave her keys to the valet and walked over to us. 

The valet closed her door and took her car inside the black iron gates. He maneuvered up the driveway towards the house and soon disappeared behind the enormous domicile. As soon as her car was out of view, she poked her head into Lae's window and began to squeal like she'd just won a new car. "Did you see that girl? This neighborhood is da bomb and there are valets here! I am so pumped and this isn't even my house!"

"I know! But as nice as it is, I could never move here. I'd feel like pepper stuck in a salt shaker." No sooner than Laela had finished speaking, another valet, wearing the same uniform as the first, waved for us to move forward. Laela drove her humble Honda up to the front gate and I truly gazed upon the house for the first time. 

The house was more magnificent than I had first witnessed, towering three stories instead of the customary two that the other houses were limited to. With a smooth, white stone covering the first story and spires at each corner, it was almost as if I were looking at a medieval castle up close. The front yard, though divided by the U-shaped driveway, was as immense as a football field, yet every blade of grass was perfectly manicured with tulips and daffodils lining the sidewalk; all the way from the gate to the front door. Even the two Weeping Willows that graced the ends of the lawn seemed to mime 'welcome' as they swayed in the wind. Everything about this house screamed money and it was flawless in its presentation. 

"Hello and welcome to the McGuiness residence. My name is Jeremy and I will take your automobile to the garage in back and if you ladies like, someone can escort you up to the house." 

"That's okay Jeremy, we'll walk." Lae interjected. Jeremy nodded and Lae gave him the keys. With a remote in his pants pocket, he opened the gate. I grabbed MJ and his baby bag out of the back seat car and the three of us walked up the driveway towards the house.

The closer we got to the house, the more embarrassed and angry I grew of my own home. This home had everything that I'd said I always wanted for myself; gorgeous land, a huge and beautifully decorated home, obnoxious neighbors, but life and circumstance had a different plan in mind for me. Even Lae and the Raven were professionals, there was always a job out there for them, but I was stuck in a dead end career and a loveless marriage.

While Lae and the Raven chatted between themselves about the house and other things, I too absorbed as much information as I could about the house and the man-made lake that it stood in front of. 

It was only a few hundred feet from the gate to the front door, but it seemed like it took us forever to get there under the intense heat of the Texas sun. I knew that I hadn't been to the gym in a while, but I was nearly out of breath when we stopped in front of the largest oak doors I'd ever seen.

Lae was about to ring the doorbell when the left door opened and a voluptuous black woman greeted us with a huge smile.

"Hello, you must be Teniyah Oliver and company." She said, smiling at each of us with a motherly grin. Se extended a hand to each of us as we entered the house, which was more beautiful inside than it had been outside. 

We walked into what I guessed was one of the living rooms. Several Crystal chandeliers adorned the vaulted ceiling, sparkling as brilliantly as fireworks in the night sky, while a couple of expensive looking rugs were strewn across the marble tile. The walls were as clean and white as a new cue ball, but since it didn't have much furniture, except for a pair of ivory love seats, I wasn't exactly sure what type of room it was. 

"Dr. McGuiness?" The Raven asked.

"Yes Mrs. Oliver, it is I and we have a mutual acquaintance waiting in the library for you."

"If it's who I know it is, then she can wait. I wanted to introduce you to some of my friends. Dr. McGuiness, these are my friends Laela Booker, Simone Hall, and Simone's son MJ."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing! The Raven had called me a friend? We weren't friends; at the very least she certainly wasn't my friend, but I smiled and waved like I told Lae I would.

Dr. McGuiness looked me over and smiled. "If your son is tired, there are a few sofas in the library that he can lie down on. The best one is the white one. It's to the left and inside an individual room, you can't miss it. Ordinarily I would have a housekeeper on duty, someone to watch the kids, but unfortunately she's on vacation."

"It's no problem. My son is pretty partial to his mother. If I left his sights, there would be hell to pay." I said. She turned around and began walking with us following closely behind. The house was big enough that if I'd lost track of them, I'd have to lay down breadcrumbs to find out where I'd already been.

She led us past several exquisitely decorated rooms and as we walked, she gave us a brief intro to each room we passed. She was a cheerfully boisterous woman, full of a great deal of vigor. She didn't seem like a rich snob, as I had expected she was, and I was thankful for it. Rather she was the opposite of what I had expected, even normal, as normal as I could expect a super rich person to be. 

One of the good things my aunt had taught me after all the headaches was that the hostess always had to be more formal than her guests and I saw that Dr. McGuiness had learned that lesson as well. She too was also a little overdressed, wearing several pieces of jewelry, including a pearl necklace and diamond earrings. She also wore a pink silk blouse that was big enough to fit two of me and a matching pair of silk pants. The only jewelry she had on below her neck was her wedding ring; a stone which was as big as a large ice cube, and had almost burned out my retinas several times when she walked through a ray of sunlight.

After a few minutes, we came upon the William T. McGuiness Library. The name was etched into a golden plaque that rested above the double doors before the entrance. Once she opened there door we saw a group of other casually dressed women were already feeding their faces. As soon as Dr. McGuiness entered the room, the loud talking became barely audible. 

"This library is my husband's favorite. It is an exact replica of the Library at Thamugadi, which is now in present day Tiimgad, Algeria, though only ½ the scale size. He's always been fascinated with African culture, so he added this addition a few years ago." She turned to me and whispered. "If you need to put him down, the sofa's over there." She said pointing towards in the direction of another small room within the library, noticeably camouflaged by rows of bookshelves. 

As I quickly walked left towards one of the available rooms, I noticed there were dozens of rows of bookshelves and an innumerable number of books, each one looking as sterile as if it had never been read. All of the bookshelves were an identically colored in the same mahogany shade, with each shelf decorated by a golden placard and numbered according to the Dewey decimal system. 




If You Don't Tell Ch. 02



I found a sofa where Dr. McGuiness said I'd find it and laid my son down. Without making a sound I carefully tip-toed towards the entrance, closed the door a little more than halfway and walked back towards Lae and Raven. 

On my way back, I looked around the room and was glad to see that I wasn't the only person overdressed for the occasion. Most of the women present had on some sort of formal wear, whether they be dresses or suits, but a few were dressed down and in one case, really dressed down. That poor soul was leaving nothing to the imagination, wearing panties that doubled as shorts and a silk handkerchief that she somehow turned into a halter top.

No sooner than I had returned to Lae and the Raven, a strange woman came rushing over to the Raven and gave her a hug. "How are you doing Raven, girl? I haven't seen you since the National Convention in September! How are the wife and kids?"

"Ha ha ha. I see you've still got jokes. Just because I make more money doesn't make me the husband and I wish you'd quit saying that. The hubby and kids are fine." She turned to Lae and me. "Monie, Lae, this is my line sister, Harriet Gold, better known as Riel Crazy!" Harriet and the Raven laughed together after they'd both said 'Riel Crazy' in Unison.

"I bet you're wondering why you're here." Harriet asked us after they'd finished laughing. "Raven here likes to keep things on the low so I'll tell you. Dana, or the future Dr. McGuiness to you guys, and I are working on our PhD's in Psychology over at UH. She wants to be a relationship expert and is writing her thesis on some of the thing's we'll be talking about today, but I want to do the group therapy thing. Anyhow, the reason I asked Raven to bring you guys is because we need all different types of women: younger, older, richer, poorer, professional, domestic, family, single, etc. to get a general idea of what type of mindset black women are in today about some major topics."

"I don't mean to be rude, but why does she care when she has all of this?" I asked pointing around. "It's not like she needs to work or anything."

"I'm glad you asked that and that's the type of feedback we need. We don't want people here who think along the same lines, we need some spice up in here!" She chuckled at her own comment. 

"Well, to answer your question, it's because all of this is her husbands. Dana's parents have been blue collar all their lives, they don't have anything but their home to call their own, but his family is real big into real estate. Not only that, but they run a few magazines and radio stations. Dana's a smart girl and she believes in pulling her own weight. Just because her husband's family is successful doesn't mean that she has to sit back and do nothing, too many people are doing that now and where has it gotten us?"

Our conversation was cut short by Dr. McGuniess's introduction. "Hello everyone! If you haven't met me yet, I am Dana McGuiness. I'm not a doctor yet, but many of you have already given me the label and that's fine as well. We'll walk into the personal sized auditorium behind us and when we get there will everyone please take a seat?"

I looked around the room and counted six other people walking up the few stairs towards the auditorium that was nestled in the back of the library. When everyone was finally seated, Dana spoke up again. "The reason you are all here is simple, I want to know what you think about certain topics. Three of the people here will not be participating", she pointed to all of them including Harriet, "because I already know what their opinions are and in some capacity they will be listening and writing their own theses. This is the second of three meetings and the topics today will be children, interracial relationships, and of course everyone's favorite, sex and infidelity. Before we get into any heavy discussion, I'd like to introduce myself before we take our chairs out of rows and arrange them into a circle and have everyone introduce themselves. My name is Dana McGuiness. I am 36 years old, I've been married for ten years, and I have one child. Before I began going back to school, I was a guidance counselor, but now I want to write books on how we as black women should enter relationships."

She sat back down and the sounds of moving chairs filled the room as we all invaded each other's personal space by sitting right next to each other in a tight little circle.

Dana started with Lae and went clockwise. Since I was to her right, I had the luxury of going last. Each woman stood up an introduced themselves, each story a little different than the previous one. Some of them were married, a few were professionals, but most of them had children. I listened to everyone's story until it was my turn.

"My name is Simone Hall. I am 27 years old, I have one child as you can see, and I haven't even been married for a year. I'm an office manager and in my free time I clean and play with my son." 

Dana smiled. "Once again thank you for lending us your time this afternoon. Now that the introductions are done, let's get into children. By a show of hands, how many women have children?" Dana asked. Out of the eight women in the circle, six of us raised our hands, including Dana. "My first question to you ladies is do you believe a man is necessary to raise a child?"

A girl named Sashe was the first to speak up. I only remembered her name because she was the half naked girl I'd noticed when we first walked in and because she had the kind of name you would attribute to a stripper. "I got two kids and I raise them really good even without they daddies around. I'm a strong black woman and I don't need no man bringing me down."

An older lady that sat to my right, I couldn't remember her name, raised her hand after Sashe had spoken and Dana acknowledged her by calling her name. "Yes Fredericka, what do you have to add to this?"

"I disagree with Sashe. I'm a third grade teacher and I deal with fatherless students all the time and they are becoming increasingly tougher to manage. I can easily tell the difference between the children with two parents and the ones raised with only their mothers around because of the attention that not only the students give, but also their parents. If the mother is too busy or too lazy to call me back for a conference, usually the child will show the same amount of interest. I believe that not only is a man necessary to help raise his children, but is also obligated. Studies have shown that the lack of a male figure in children's lives have a greater propensity to commit crime, go to jail, and create more children that live in the same environment that they themselves grew up in."

"So are you saying that even though we may hate our children's fathers, we're supposed to make nice with them?" Sashe angrily snapped back.

"That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that we should stop lying down with every man we meet, thereby lessening the chance of us having children out of wedlock. Most of these men out there today are only about themselves, so what do we do, we sleep with them and then wonder why they've left us pregnant and alone."

"I disagree." Teniyah said. "I think these so-called teenage parents out there really don't know how to be parents. I think what's really happening is that too many kids think they know everything, but aren't ready for the reality of raising a baby. I love my children and if need be, I can raise them on my own without a man. But as a single parent, it is my job to discipline my children as hard as their father would if he were around."

"I agree." Chantel said. I'd forgotten her name until I saw that she still had her work badge on. She was the youngest of us all at twenty-three, but probably had more life experience than any of us due to her already being divorced with three kids. "I see too many parents trying to be their kid's friend instead of their parent. Being a parent means that not only do you have to love your children, but it also means whooping their ass when they need to be whipped. I raise my children by myself, without my ex's help, and because I stay on them, they do well in school and are very respectful. I didn't need a man to help me with that."

"So are you saying that it's okay for women to raise children by themselves?" Dana asked.

"I'm not saying that." Chantel replied. "In cases of necessity we can do it on our own. It's not like we haven't been doing it already." Nods and "mmm-hmmm's" began to circle around the room.

"I think Fredericka is right." An older lady that sat across from me said. "In case you guys don't remember my name, it's Linette and I'm a family law attorney. Some of you would call me a divorce or child custody lawyer, but my job is to reflect the values society shares regarding how people who are related should treat each other. Just because you can do something does not mean that you should. Children today need both parents in order to be a greater success and with the case my firm just finished, I have the statistics to prove it." Everyone sat quietly in our circle and looked up at Linette as she stood up and read off every important statistic she could remember. "The United States is the world leader in fatherless families with more than 80% of all single households being ran by the mother. More than 75% of people being treated for chemical dependency are from single parent homes, 83% of them have already committed a felony. 75% of all teenage pregnancies result from a single parent household and most of them will also be in single parents as well. If you are a single parent, your child is eight times more likely to join a gang, six times more likely to commit suicide, seven times more likely to dropout of high school and ten times more likely to end up in a juvenile facility which eventually turns to jail. And because black people have the lowest percentage of children living in two-parent houses, 35%, which is almost twice as bad as the next closest race, we are at the greatest risk."

After Linette sat own, the room was so silent we could hear a pin drop and Dana was the first to speak up. "Now that you know what the statistics say, does anyone have anything else to add?" She looked around the circle and no one spoke up. "All of you have valid points, but in my opinion Linette was right; just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. I'd like to congratulate all you women who are fighting the odds and trying to be great parents, but children sometimes need a male authoritative figure in their lives. One male figure, not many figures or they will grow to resent you. Just because you single parents are single doesn't mean that they're father should be out of their lives unless it is absolutely necessary, but if you have a brother, or father, allow your children to spend time with them as well. Well if that's all, we'll dive into the next topic, interracial relationships. What do you all feel about dating outside your race?" She looked directly at me. "Since you didn't say much as far as child rearing, why don't you lead this one off Simone?"

"I don't feel like you can control who you fall in love with, but I'm not gung-ho about interracial relationships either."

"So which one is it? Are you pro or con?" Dana asked.

"I guess I'd be con. As a black woman I'm not really interested in anyone outside of my own race."

"Is it because of how you were brought up?" She kept asking questions directed at me and I was growing more agitated that she had singled me out.

"Mostly, well yes. I was raised by my aunt who is still a firm believer in the strong black family."

"So let me ask you one more question. Are you more upset with seeing a black man with a woman outside his race or seeing a black woman dating outside of hers?"

"I'd be more upset with a black woman than a man. Men will try to get with anyone, so long as she's putting out, but if I see a black woman with a white guy, it just gets under my skin. I don't know why, but it's like she a traitor."

"It's very interesting the way you put that, a traitor." Dana repeated. "What do you think when you see a black woman with a white man, Laela is it?"

"Yes, it's Laela." Laela responded. "And I think the same thing that most women think; that he must eat some great pussy. I don't know if I consider her a traitor, but I definitely take more offense if it's a black woman with a white guy." 

"But look at your light skin!" Chantel exclaimed. "How can you take offense to something that created you? Love is a beautiful thing, whether the person is from an opposite race or not. Too many of our black men are out there trying to be, what's the new word, pimps. It used to be players, but I guess its more Negroish to be a pimp now."

Laela was pissed at what Chantel had said and didn't try to hide it. "I'm not ashamed of my light skin, even though I was ridiculed as a child for being a high yellow heifer or the banana girl! Everyday it was the same thing. I was always too dark to be white, too light to be black and I don't want my kids to suffer the same discrimination! You wonder why I don't like seeing white men with black women, it's because when that child comes home crying, a black man would fight for his child!"

"I'm sorry for what was done to you Laela, but this is an exchange of ideas and I don't want you taking this to heart. Our personal experiences shape who we are, but your emotions need to be checked at the door.

"I'm sorry." Laela responded apologetically. "It was just a little riled up."

Fredericka spoke up. "I've dated white men, before and I've seen the nasty stares I've received from other black women and it's petty. They'll be frowning at me while their man is looking at other women in plain sight. I don't care what color a man's skin is so long as he's appealing to me and he treat me the way I deserved to be treated. Contrary to what you all might believe, not all white men have tiny penises and huge tongues. You need to get away from other people's belief systems and find your own. My husband, who is Mexican, is a king among men which is why he has me."

"I'm tired of being judged as well." Linette said. "I've tried dating black men, some as successful as me and some of them not. The biggest problem I've had with most of the ones I've dated is that they can't handle a woman making as much or more than what they make, so they've try to belittle me. I thought I found a man who was above all that, but when he lost his job and I volunteered to support the both of us, he began cheating because he felt more like the wife than a husband and he had to reaffirm his manhood."

"White men tip better." Sashe blurted out and in the process helped me confirm her job status.

The Raven looked curiously at Sashe before saying what she had to say. "I've never been really attracted to anyone outside my race even though I've dated a few. The reason why I think I've never been able to relate to white guys is because we have completely different life experiences. He may think George Carlin is the funniest comic ever, I may say it's Chris Rock. He may believe you need to spend money to make money; my philosophy is save money to have money. When they say that men and women are on different planets, they're right, but black men are a closer planet to me than most."

After hearing everyone else speak up, I decided to say something else. "I agree with R--Teniyah. If given the opportunity to date someone of another race who was in the same mindset as me, I might do it. After listening to these stereotypes that we've all been subjected to and victimized by, I realize that all I did was believed what I was told."

"That's what this forum is for, to help people and to listen to new ideas outside of the boxes that we put ourselves in." Dana said. She nodded to Harriet and the other ladies who began handing out blank sheets of paper to us. As they were passing them out she continued speaking. "We'll be giving you each three sheets of paper. On the first piece, I'd like you to ask a relationship question. On the second, I'd like if you asked a question about sex. And for the third, write your contact information if you'd like to come to the third meeting. After you fold them up, the first two sheets will be shuffled and handed out to random people. The person who receives the question has to answer both questions with as much knowledge as possible. If you receive your own question, answer it as best you know how. Sometimes the correct answers are already inside you, you just need help to bring them out."

For the next fifteen minutes we sat in silence as we wrote our questions and made our contact lists. Since I didn't want Lae possibly getting my questions, I wrote with my left hand. It was sloppy, but still legible. When the questions were finally passed around, I knew I didn't have Lae's paper because I knew her handwriting as well as she knew mine. Dana picked people at random to read their papers answer the questions. It wasn't until she asked Sashe to read her relationship question that I heard mine.

"Sashe, will you please read your relationship question?" Dana asked.

Sashe looked at the paper a few times before she finally began to read. "It's a little hard to read, but I'll try. My co-worker's boyfriend is fine and I know that she's cheating on him. He's a real nice guy and I don't know if I should confess what I know because I really want to sleep with him. Is turnabout fair play?"

"To be honest, I'd tell you-- to fuck that nigga! Fuck him hard and fuck him fast!" The whole room erupted in laughter while Sashe stood up and began riding the pony. "Ride his ass into the sunset, girl!"

"That's terrible advice!" Dana screamed out through her intermittent laughter. 

Everyone who wasn't Sashe had tears in their eyes and was holding their stomachs before the room finally quieted down. Even the sour disposition I had clung to for most of the morning had succumbed to the best laugh I'd had in weeks.

"Sashe that was clearly some very unsound advice. If that were your man she was talking about, would you say the same thing?" Dana lectured though still giggling. "The point of this exercise is to give the best advice you can, not questionable counsel. Are you sure that you believe what you're saying?"

"Dr. Dana, I might not be as smart as most of the people you got here, but I have always held to the belief that if he can do dirt, so can I. I think too many people out there are being deceived and it's time for the victims to get some justice. Two wrongs don't make a right, but it sho make it even. My advice is that if you don't like the girl, then she get what she deserves. Y'all may not like what I'm talking bout, but at least I'm real with my shit."

I looked over at Lae to see the reaction on her face, but she just stared at Sashe without even twitching an eyebrow. I wanted her to say something, anything to counter what Sashe had said, but she didn't utter a word. 

Dana nodded. "I applaud your honesty. I'm not here to judge you, but mostly to hear your rationale and add some of my own. I want all of you to know that there are different avenues to every answer. Today there are no right or wrong answers, but we have to be honest with ourselves and destroy the stereotypes that we hold as actual fact. Some of us may disagree with Sashe's response, but respect her right to say it. Okay, now that we've been initiated into the world of pure honesty, let's hear more of those questions."

I was surprised how honestly we asked and answered several taboo topics that concerned black women. Oral and anal sex, swinging, masturbation, and bisexuality were all issues that we touched upon. My sexual question was the most timid out of the bunch, asking who was better in bed, younger or older men. 




If You Don't Tell Ch. 02



I was more than happy to answer what seemed like the perfect question for me. "In my experience, it doesn't matter what age he is. There are older men out there who climax as quick as or even quicker than virgins. It's the man, not his age that determines whether or not he's great at making love."

"Great advice, Simone! I couldn't have said it better myself." Dana said with a congratulatory smile and for a brief moment, it felt good to be me.

As people went around the room reading off and answering questions, I tried to pick out which one was Lae's, but with so many original questions it was almost like trying to catch a certain raindrop in a thunderstorm. Still feeling the aftereffects of the compliment I received, I gave up and just listened for my relationship question.

It was just my luck, or lack thereof that my second question was not only the last one to be read, but asked by the Raven herself. I silently cursed my misfortune and listened as she read it aloud to the other ladies in the room. "My husband is cheating on me and I don't know what to do. I love him, but I'm not sure if we can make it work. Should I just leave or am I wrong for trying?"

Dana stood up from her chair and walked over to the Raven. "If you don't mind Teniyah, I'd like to take this one." The Raven nodded and Dana walked into the middle of the circle, began looking around the room and finally settled her gaze on me. "No, you are not wrong for trying." She looked away from me continued perusing around the room. "Through my studies I've learned that infidelity is a symptom of a bigger problem. Too many times we go into marriage thinking that our mate will make us happy, they'll complete us. It doesn't work that way. If there is turmoil or there are problems before you're married, that chaos will only grow when you add another person and their internal unrest. The emptiness or void you both feel will only grow because your partner cannot fill those for you, you must learn how fill them for yourself."

She walked over to her chair and sat down before continuing. "You may say, 'How do I fill my void? How do I complete myself?' Well society tells you that in order to be happy, you need to have a good looking husband, a nice house, an expensive car, a great job and mind blowing sex. Some even go so far as to tell you to take this pill, this anti-depressant to be happy but these are all external factors and their novelty will wear thin very quickly. As long as you believe that something out there, something external will make you happy, you'll always continue to be unhappy internally. When people come to the realization that nothing they buy makes them happy or the sex isn't as good as it used to be, they look for that other person who may be sexier, more attentive, better in bed, less demanding, or more humorous to be around in order to fill the emptiness, but that too will be a temporary fix which will eventually turn into an addiction. They will constantly look for someone new to fill that thing that they are always missing. Whether it be approval, acceptance, attention, or sex, they will always find it in the arms of the next person while they run from themselves. In a cheating person's mindset, they honestly believe that because they still fill incomplete, it's attributed it to being their partner's fault, so they continually look for another person to fill that space. It is a never-ending cycle.

In order to be happy, to be truly content, you yourself have to conquer your inner demons and together learn how to be emotionally responsible for your own well-being. Is it his fault for straying, yes it is. But rather than moving onto the next person, try finding out what it is about you that needs to be worked upon and invite him to do the same. If he is unwilling or uncooperative, you may have to part ways. You both may need counseling, but in the end, you both will walk away emotionally stable and more fulfilled for it." She looked around the room once more and again ended up focusing her stare on me. "Okay? Well I hope that question has been answered satisfactorily. Now I am going to confer with the ladies taking notes while you all can finish mingling." 

As soon as she stood up, everyone else followed her lead and within seconds, the library was filled with small talk and chit-chat.

"So did she answer your question to your liking?" Laela mused and poked me in my side.

"What makes you think it was my question?" I asked.

She frowned. "Do I look like I have dummy written on my forehead?"

"I'm not going to answer that, but she did give me some insight. Why, which question was yours?"

"I asked about anal sex. Not that I've done it, but I hear it's pretty painful. Some women I know love it and some others scare me with the details. Since we were getting rid of the stigmas, I thought it would be the best time to ask."

"Looking for a little dookie lovin? You are a strange one."

She raised her eyebrow towards me. "So are you saying that you would never try it?"

"Never. My ass is for exiting traffic only." Mike had tried to coerce me into it several times, but I really wasn't into sodomy, which was the term I'd always heard it called in church. The more I thought about anal sex, the more I thought about Mike and how I hadn't told him where I was. "Well Lae, I had fun and would love to stay, but I have to get my son home." I walked down the steps and to the room where I had laid him when we first walked in. He had remained unmoved through the whole ordeal and rested peacefully on the white sofa. "I guess my little man was very tired."

"Okay, let me tell Niya we're leaving." 

I watched her walk over to the Raven, who was talking with Chantel, and tell her that we were leaving. The Raven looked upset, but smiled anyway and waved at me as I walked to grab my son. I smiled as well, gave her a faux wave in return and all the while mumbled obscenities under my breath.

With MJ in my arms, I met Laela at the entrance to the library and together we walked down the same hallway we'd entered when we first came in.

"So what did you think about the forum?" She asked me as we came upon the same large oak doors that we had entered only a little more than an hour ago.

"I learned that there are way too many people who do way too many statistics. But I did think that Dana said something that really hit home, about the cheating that is. You know that thing about filling a gap?"

"Yeah, I remember. That was some interesting psycho-babble. Not saying that it isn't entirely true, but sometimes people do it just because. I think that curiosity about what's out there plays a big role in it too."

"Well then Dr. Booker, how come you didn't say anything back there? Are you speaking from experience?" I asked, curious to know.

"As a matter of fact, I am speaking from experience, yours."

"That's a low blow. Let's not forget that you went there too. I do remember you kissing someone else that wasn't your man. So let's hear your philosophy about curiosity."

"Well, I don't know. I'm just flapping my jaws. After all she is the one going after her Doctorate and how can I compete when it's just me and my lowly BSN?"

"Lae, you're so damn predictable. You talk a good game, but you're always too afraid to speak up, wondering what others will think about you."

By the time I finished chastising Lae; Jeremy had already opened the monumental doors and was waiting for us to step outside. "Silver Accord?" He asked. 

Lae nodded and a half a minute later her Honda came roaring around the house and screeched to a halt in front of us. Jeremy's friend jumped out of the driver's seat, leaving the door ajar and then opened the rear door for me so that I could put MJ in his car seat.

After we were all settled, we waved bye to Jeremy and his friend as we sped around the driveway to the open gate. No sooner than the gate opened, we sped off, leaving the castle on the lake in the rearview mirror.

"So what are you going to tell Mike when you get home?"

"I don't know. Dana or Dr. McGuiness made some sense back there. If I'm going to make this or perhaps my next relationship work, I'm going to have to really work on myself."

"Yeah, I hear you. A couple of things have happened to me in the last few weeks that have really reshaped my attitude and I need to get back to being focused."

"Like what?"

"Just some things, nothing too important. You know, like my attitude towards my co-workers and what not; things like that."

I had no idea what she was talking about, but after such a blunt response I knew in some part it had to be about kissing Janette. We rode all the way back to her house laughing at some of the things said at the forum, namely Sashe and her wild ass.

When we made it back to her apartment complex, I immediately took MJ and his car seat out the back of Lae's car and returned them both to my own. Lae helped by bringing his baby bag and following me to make sure that I was okay.

"Hey Simone, one thing before you go."

"Shoot." I answered while buckling myself into my front seat.

"If you and Mike don't make it, you can stay here for a little bit while you get back on your feet. I know how your aunt can be and I don't want you staying there."

"I'll be okay." She leaned over and we hugged. "If anyone is going to leave the house, it's Mike." 

She let go while I revved up the car and slowly drove backwards out of the parking spot. As she began walking towards her apartment, she turned around and waved, I honked back and began my trek home. As I pulled out of the complex and onto Highway 6, what Sashe had said brought a smile to my face. As much as I disliked her choice of clothing, she had provided some sound advice for my dilemma. If it's good for everyone else, why wasn't it good for me?

*************

I pulled into the driveway behind Mike's Maxima and dragged my tired body up the front stairs to our apartment. When I opened the door, Mike was sitting in his underwear on the couch, snacking on a bowl of potato chips.

"Where the hell you been? I called you cell and it kept going to voice mail. What the fuck was that all about?"

"I was at a women's forum and I cut my cell off so I wouldn't interrupt the speaker."

"I was at the church and they ain't say nothing about no women's forum. Why the fuck you lying, Monie?"

"I am not going through this with you Michael. I was with Lae and Teniyah. They invited me if you must know. Is that better? Would you like me to call them so that you can verify or would you just like to stick a tracker in my ass for next time?" All the arguing had awaken MJ who began crying. "Here, hold your son. You haven't seen him all day and he needs to spend some time with his daddy." 

I began to walk towards the bathroom when Mike grabbed my arm. "Where you going?"

"To the bathroom if that's okay with you!" I snatched my wrist from his grasp and began walking. 

"When you come back, be naked for me. It's been a long day."

"Then jack off asshole." I mumbled under my breath, but as soon as I got into the bathroom, I heard Mike walking towards the bedroom. I knew he was in their taking off the only piece of clothing he had on when I walked in.

The thought of having sex with Mike, after having to spend half of my day with the Raven, turned my stomach. I stayed in the bathroom as long as I could before he came knocking at the door.

"What?" I hollered.

"Hurry up!" He shouted back.

"While you're by the door, would you like to hear about what happened at the forum? It was pretty interesting and provided some insight--"

"No I don't! Just hurry the fuck up!" 

My blood began to boil. I rose up from the toilet, washed my hands, and went into the bedroom. When I opened the bedroom door, Mike was sprawled across the bed, completely naked, while MJ lay next to him and looked curiously at me "Fuck you, Mike. I ain't giving you shit."

"What? You ain't givin me what? You know what, I don't even know why I fuckin bother, it's not like anyone else wants you."

That statement was like a punch to my stomach and I began to cry. "You ain't shit, nigga." I countered. "Never have been and never will be."

"I ain't shit?" He asked. "Well that's good to know because there's a place that I can go where people might feel differently."

He began throwing on his clothes as I cried in the doorway of our bedroom. He rushed past me, trying to pull his jeans up at the same time he was putting his shirt on and after he grabbed his shoes by the door, the front door slammed and I heard my car pulling out of the driveway.

With the entire ruckus that Mike had caused, MJ began crying again. I grabbed him off the bed and made him a bottle to help calm his nerves. After he'd finally gone back to sleep, I went to the bathroom, grabbed a couple of aspirin and poured four happy pills I'd picked up a couple of days earlier. Without any water to help with the peristalsis, I shoved them all down my throat to combat the migraine that raged through my head.

As the pills slowly moved toward my stomach all I could think of were two things: how much I hated Mike and as the pounding became almost too unbearable to manage I thought of Sashe's credo, "To be honest, I'd tell you-- to fuck that nigga! Fuck him hard and fuck him fast!" 

That was exactly what Michael Hall was going to get.

************* February 14th 

Simone

9:00 am

"I'm late! Dammit!"

I awoke to find the LCD display on my alarm clock blinking 12:00; no doubt from a power outage that had occurred last night.

With every curse word I could imagine pouring out of my mouth, I parted the curtain in my bedroom to see exactly where the sun was before I began looking for my watch. I wasn't any good at reading a sun dial, but as high up in the sky as the sun was, I knew I was late.

I began calling out for Michael, making sure that he hadn't fallen asleep on the couch like he usually did when we had arguments, but I couldn't find him. I even began to think that he might have left for work without me, but that's when it all dawned on me that he hadn't come home in the last two days.

"Fuck him then. He can stay gone for all I care." I was hurt and upset that he had chose to run rather than to work it out, but I didn't have time to sit around and mope. I had to get to work.

I ran to MJ's room and found him still sleeping. I hated to irritate him, but I needed to change his diaper, clothe him, and get to work as soon as possible. I knew they'd be calling any minute, if they hadn't already, to tell me that a no call-no show was grounds for termination and I couldn't lose my job. 

Without any time for amenities, I pulled my hair into a bun, threw on whatever looked clean, soaked my shirt with as much body spray as it could hold and ran out the door with MJ screaming like he was dying.

I'd gotten to my aunt's house in record time. As soon as she opened the door, I threw him into her arms and ran off the porch so that she couldn't hold me up. 

With 610 already flooded with cars, I had to take the back way to work. I prayed that the streets weren't as bad as the expressway and they weren't. I pulled into the Main Street parking garage and ran to work. I was still late, but not as late as I could've been.

No one said anything to me when I walked in, but I hadn't expected them to either. It had been hell dealing with me the last few weeks, especially after Mike and I had an argument and that was pretty often. We argued so much that we turned it from a daily routine into an hourly one and I was growing physically sick from the stress.

I walked to my desk, took my purse off of my shoulder and began sorting through all of the paperwork on my desk. 

After a half an hour of solitude, I heard a voice I didn't really want to hear. "Hey Simone, is everything okay? I just wanted you to know you look really--bad." Chris shyly whispered as he walked by.

Chris Moore was the new security guard the company hired after a string of workplace rapes began occurring around the city, but he was the least intimidating looking security guard I'd ever met. He was a young white guy; sandy brown hair, a little chubby, no too bright and probably not too strong seeing as he always had problems lifting some of the boxes I carry. Whenever he saw me, he made it a point to speak. Whenever I saw him, I made it a point to run.

"Thanks, Chris. When you say things like that, it really completes my fucking day. It makes me want to really hurt you. Fuck you very much for your insight into the obvious."

He began looking at the floor and pulled his security cap a little further down on his head. "I mean not bad, but sad. You look really sad. I know you don't like me very much, but would you like me to bring you something. I could if you wanted me to."

"No thanks, Chris. I know you're trying to be nice, but I'm not really hungry or thirsty right now."

"Okay Simone, I'm sorry to bother you." He smiled at me and walked out of the office.

I felt bad that I'd treated him the way I did after I watched him leave. He was a nice guy and didn't deserve my malice, but he had said the wrong thing at the wrong time and had paid for it.

*************

1:00 PM

I had been working for a few hours before I looked up at the clock and realized that I had already worked and hour past my 12:00 lunch. It was a little after one in the afternoon when I grabbed my purse and caught the elevator down to the lobby. I bought myself some chips and a drink from the bodega next to the receptionist area and sat at a table alone while I ate. I usually ran to the coffee shop at the end of the street, but I was so behind with work that I just needed a quick sugar boost to help me finish the rest of my day.

When I returned to my desk, there were three things sitting by my computer that weren't there when I left; three chocolate chip cookies wrapped in a yellow napkin, six yellow roses, and a yellow card that read: "Even during the darkest days the sun is still up there."

I looked around the office to see if anyone was noticeably guilty, but no one even stopped to notice me noticing them. Content with having a secret admirer, I called Lae.

"Hello?"

"Lae, you'll never guess what just happened to me!" I was almost too excited to talk, a complete contrast to how I'd been this morning.

"Mike died and there was a million dollar policy in your name?" 

"No, but that would be a very nice Valentine's Day gift. Guess again!"

"Why should I guess when I'm not going to get it right? Just tell me already!"

"I have a secret admirer! They just left yellow roses and cookies on my desk!"

"Wow! That is nice. That's really nice for someone to do." Her exclamation sounded a little deflated, but I didn't care, this was my moment to be happy.

"Well whoever it is, they really brightened up my day. I was having the worst morning. I mean sometimes things just really fall into--"

"Hey Monie can I call you back, Niya is calling me on the other line." 

"Yeah, okay. I'll just talk to you later then." I couldn't believe her! She didn't even stay on long enough for me to tell her than Mike hadn't come home in the last few days, but then again she was never available for me. Her time belonged to her new best friend, Niya.

I hung up the phone and pushed the roses to the far side of my desk while I shoved the cookies into my mouth. "Damn these cookies are good." I mumbled as cookies crumbs tumbled from my mouth and chewed on the last of them. After I finished, my attitude slowly began creeping back into my mood. "Fuckin Laela always does this to me. I don't even know why I was surprised. Hell, I don't even know why I called. I should've known she never had any time for me."

"Simone, you're talking to yourself." 

Chris had returned for his afternoon rounds. It was then that it dawned on me. "Hey Chris, did you leave roses and a card on my desk?" 




If You Don't Tell Ch. 02



His eyes lit up. "Why? Did you like them?"

"Yes, I did and they were very pretty." He began to blush. "Just to make sure, did you leave anything else? Some of the people in this office might've taken something off my desk."

"Nope, nothing else." He was beaming and I knew he was lying. "What did the card say Chris?"

"Umm, the card? I don't remember. The people downstairs wrote it for me."

I was about to stand up and slap the shit out of him for lying, but instead I stayed calmly seated in my chair. "Chris, why are you lying to me?"

He started frowning. "I'm sorry Simone. You just liked me a whole lot more when you thought it was me. I won't lie to you no more. I didn't send you the flowers."

"Thank you for telling the truth Chris." As he walked away, I thought of stabbing him in the back with a mechanical pencil, but I was too engulfed in curiosity to warrant prison time. I looked over at the flowers at the end of my desk and smiled.

*************

4:00 PM

By the end of the day, I still had no idea who had sent me the flowers and it was killing me. As soon as I clocked out, I stayed by the door holding the flowers to my chest, and watched every man in my office walk by without even so much as a hello.

"It can't be anyone I work with or else someone would've spoken." As I began walking to my car, only one other name came to mind. "It can't be him." I thought. "Since we've been married, Mike hadn't even come close to being romantic. Maybe he's trying to tell me he's sorry!" The more I thought of that idea, the more it began to make sense. "He wants to apologize!" The thought of him coming home was exciting, but thinking of his impending apology was damn near orgasmic.

I ran all the way to the parking garage. As soon as I saw my car, I pulled out my cell phone and called her as I was unlocking my door. I started the car and sped around the corners, narrowly avoiding several cars on the way down. I was already out of the parking lot and on turning down my first side street by the time she picked up. "Auntie, I know I'm calling late, but I'm planning something for Mike tonight. Is it okay if MJ stays the night? He already has some extra clothes, pampers, and formula in his bag."

"Well it's about time y'all did something together. St. Valentine's Day is a good time to kiss and make-up. I'll watch MJ, but don't be bringing no more great nieces and nephews over here in nine months."

I laughed. "I promise. Thank you."

"You have a good evening baby."

I rushed home and as soon as I arrived, I ran upstairs to begin cleaning. I placed the flowers in a vase filled with lukewarm water and since the house didn't look too bad I didn't have to do too much. With all the rushing I had done this morning I still needed to pick up a few things.

As soon as I finished straightening up, I threw off the clothes I wore to work and saw that my shirt pits were damp. "Damn, forgot to wash up." I walked naked to the bathroom and threw the clothes in the hamper then ran the shower, letting it warm up before I got in.

I walked to the kitchen and grabbed the phone, making sure that I wouldn't miss his call before I returned to the bathroom and began cleansing myself with the perfumed body scrub that Mike liked best, Vanilla and Black Cherry.

I stepped out the shower with butterflies in my stomach, feeling like I was about to lose my virginity. I dried myself off and took what was left of the body spray I'd used this morning and finished it off, making sure to cover as much body as I could before it ran out. 

I then ran to my bedroom and grabbed my silk kimono before walking to the kitchen and grabbing as many candles as I could find and began placing them around the house. I was almost finished when I heard a car pull up in the driveway. Too nervous to look, I hurried and lit the candles I had left and laid with my legs open on the couch.

I was surprised when a few moments went by and no one came in. I was about to look outside when I heard a soft knock at the back door. "He's probably carrying something or forgot his key." I thought. I walked to the back door and before I opened it, I held my kimono back far enough so that he could see that I completely shaved myself the night before. 

I took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Welcome home."

Laela

5:30 AM

It wasn't tradition, but I awoke early so that I could make Quinton breakfast for Valentine's Day. 

The sun hadn't yet come up and though I couldn't see my hand in front of my face, I'd lived in the apartment long enough to know my way around and walked to the kitchen without incident. 

I cut on the light, opened the fridge and took out all the ingredients I'd need. I grabbed the wheat bread, a few eggs, and four strips of bacon from the refrigerator door. I wasn't a great chef, but I knew how to take care of the basics. Five minutes after I began, the food was almost ready and I felt a kiss on top of my right shoulder.

"You're up early." I turned and kissed him softly on the lips.

"I had to make sure it was you making breakfast. I know how hard you try to test your culinary skills and I wanted to make sure that ice cubes and hot dogs weren't on the menu."

"Ice cubes and hot dogs? Is that all you think I can make?"

"No, you make a pretty mean salad too." He smacked me on the ass and left the kitchen to sit on the couch to watch sports highlights.

"I can cook!" I screamed out to him, insulted by his insinuations.

"I believe you!" He shouted back.

His breakfast was ready only a few minutes after he sat down and I tested the eggs to make sure they weren't overly seasoned. "Perfect!" I whispered to myself. I fixed his plate, walked to the living room and sat on his lap as I fed him what I'd made.

When I finished feeding him, he kissed me on the cheek. "Thanks for breakfast, but I really gotta get to work. I'd love to shower with you, but I know where that would end up."

"I'm going back to sleep anyway." I said. "It's too early to be up and I feel bad for people who actually have to be at work at this hour."

"We all can't be nurses. But really Lae, I need to get up." I stood up and watched him walk to the bathroom before I walked back to the comfort of my bedroom, collapsed onto my bed and went right back to sleep.

11:00 AM

"Hello, Happy Valentine's Day!"

My eyes were still closed as a vaguely familiar voice filled my bedroom. I had no idea who was calling this early in the morning, but the last thing I wanted to hear was a joyous introduction. In the effort of trying to push the voice mail button on the base of my phone, I'd accidentally pushed speakerphone; I had to kill the phone's designer. "Huh?" I mumbled into the phone, still unaware of who the hell I was talking to.

"I'm so sorry! Are you still sleeping? I thought you guys were only an hour behind us and its noon here. I am so sorry; you must've worked last night!"

"Janette?!?" I rolled over onto my side and strained to look at the clock above the TV in our room. With the curtains tightly closed, it was impossible to see.

"Hello Laela, how are things in the Lone Star?"

"Girl, do you know what time it is? Why are you calling so early?" I rubbed my eyes and strained at the clock once more so that I could get a better view without having to actually leave the bed.

"Early? Laela do you know it's just after noon here. That means that it's a little past 11 o'clock there. Early was over two hours ago for you."

I cut on the TV and turned to a random news station to find out she was right. "Hey girl," I yawned "what's been going on in C-town?"

"Nothing much. I just hadn't heard from you since you've been home. I guess you forgot about us Cleveland folk as soon as you get back to the warm weather."

"It's not that, I've just been busy playing catch up with everybody. You know how it is. I haven't forgotten about you guys, I just haven't found the right time to just chill so we could have a conversation."

"Uh-huh. Well anyway. I guess you worked last night and I didn't want to wake you. I just wanted to you know, say Happy V-day."

"Janette, I didn't work last night. I'm just being lazy today, taking a little time out for myself, now that I don't have anything planned. How's my brother doing?"

"You know him. He's doing well, a lot better since we--consummated."

"Oh my God you did it!"

"Yeah we did. After we talked about Nicole and our relationship, I felt a lot better about us. He was actually excited when he heard that I'd just gotten out of a lesbian relationship. That's all he talks about now. He says he never figured me for that kind of girl. He's asked me a lot of questions about Nicole, what we did, what drove me to be with another woman, things like that."

I knew where this was going. "Did he ask about us? What did you tell him?"

"That's what I called to talk to you about. Yes, he asked. Before you get all nervous I just want you to know that I didn't tell him anything. But since I was playing the dumb role I had to ask him why he'd asked me something like that and he told me the whole story about you, Quinton and um, your girlfriend."

"The next time I see him, he's dead." Tank and I always kept each other's secrets and it upset me to hear that he'd told one of the biggest secrets I'd ever had.

"It's not his fault Laela, it's mine. When he asked if anything had gone down in the hotel room between us, I had to ask him why he asked me that. At first he didn't want to tell me, but he gave in after we made love." Her voice suddenly grew softer, more seductive. "But he still has a lot to learn to catch up with his big sister."

"Janette I--"

"Laela, don't say anything. It was a moment in time that really wonderful for me. I just hope that for that instant, I made you feel a thousandth of the way you made me feel." She paused and just as I was about to speak up, she stopped me. "I'm not talking entirely about the sex, but afterwards was just as powerful. I still don't want you to say anything; I just feel better knowing that you know. Happy Valentine's Day, Laela Booker."

I respected her wishes and didn't say anything else about that day. "Happy Valentine's Day, Janette Jordan." I heard the click on her end and the dial tone before I pushed the speaker button for the second time.

I thought back and what had happened between Janette and I. It had been less than two weeks ago, but in truth it seemed like an eternity. I began reminiscing over the enigma that was her body. When I saw her that night she was a picture of strength, yet when I touched her she was still soft, still feminine. And her tongue--

I woke from my daydream and shook all thoughts of my brother's girlfriend from my head, but I couldn't stop goose bumps from appearing on my skin. 

Having slept through almost all of the morning, I knew it was time for me to get out of the house and buy what I needed to for Valentine's Day. Usually I bought a card a couple of weeks in advance, but spending all of my free time with Niya had caused me to procrastinate, something I didn't usually do. I mentally chastised myself for my newfound laziness and slowly guided myself towards our bedroom bathroom.

I showered briefly before throwing on some jeans shorts, one of Quinton's blue t-shirts, and my open toed leather sandals. While putting on my sandals I noticed that my toes needed another coat of polish. "You're seriously slacking." I admitted to myself, but I could take care of that later. I had a lot to buy and only a little time to buy it if I planned on having everything ready by the time Quinton came home. With my hair getting braided yesterday, I didn't have to do anything with it but tie it up into a pony tail before I grabbed my purse and jogged out of the house.

On the way to my car I noticed how good the late morning sun felt good against my skin. It hadn't gotten hot yet, but in Houston, it was inevitable that it would. Even though I knew in a few hours it would be almost too much to bear, I was glad it was so warm outside, a complete contrast to the incredibly cold weather my family endured in Cleveland. 

I drove to the card shop that I usually frequented for holidays, which was down the street from our apartment. As I entered, I waved to the elderly white lady behind the counter and headed straight for the fluorescent pink section marked 'Valentine's Day Cards'. It didn't take me long to find what I was looking for, a colorfully sentimental card to give Quinton. The front was decorated with roses, highlighted by glitter and in the inside was more of the same. 

As I walked to the front counter to pay for the card, I called Niya to see what she was doing, but her voice mail picked up. I hung up before the recording ended and spoke to the elderly lady instead when I made it to the register.

"Hello, how are you doing?" I asked. I had no idea what her name was, but she was sweet and every time I bought a card we would small talk.

"I'm doing well, enjoying each day as it comes. Is this one for the hubby?"

"Yes it is." I smiled. After she rung the card up, I paid for it with cash and waved again as I left the little store. 

I was halfway home when my cell rang with Niya's familiar ring tone. "I see you got my call."

"Yeah I did. But I kinda have my hands full and I'm taking care of some things, so what's up?"

She sounded exhausted, like she'd just run a marathon and it was too early for her to be exercising. There had to be some other reason why she sounded the way she had. "And what exactly are you taking care of?" As soon as I said it, I had no doubt that she knew what I was suggesting.

Her mood changed swiftly after I'd spoken. "What are you really asking Lae? Are you asking if I'm fucking someone else? Is that what you want to know?"

"That's not what I meant Niya." I didn't know why she was so easily upset, but I regretted that my brief moment of jealousy had contributed to it. 

"Then what did you mean Lae? Help me understand what you meant!" 

I was already pulling into my parking spot and the last thing I wanted to do today was to start an argument. As soon as I was parked, I took a deep breath and spoke as pleasantly as I could. "Niya, I'm sorry for what I suggested. I didn't mean for it to come across the way that it had, but it did. Can we start this conversation over?"

"I'm gonna be busy for a while. I'll call you back." And she hung up without saying goodbye or waiting for a response.

I closed my phone, turned the volume off and threw in onto the passenger's seat. Then I placed both hands on my steering wheel and banged my head on the horn four times, repeating a different curse word each time my head hit. As soon as I finished, I got out of the car and stared at my apartment through the darkened bedroom window before sitting back down in the car and driving off. The way my day seemed to be going, home was the last place I needed to be.

*************

"How could I be in love with two people and what do I do about it?" I continually asked myself. 

I had been driving around the city for a little more than an hour trying to figure out how I wanted to solve my unanswerable questions, but it always came down to the most basic solution: I had to stop going back and forth between them and ultimately choose one. 

Quinton was the type of man I always imagined myself marrying; intelligent, dedicated, he had a great sense of humor and the sex was fucking unbelievable. He was the first person to show me that the other places than the bed to have sex and that there were other positions than missionary, but through the years we grew comfortable and thus predictable. The bed became more commonplace and even though missionary wasn't part of the repertoire, the positions we used became repetitive. I still loved him though. He was my knight in shining armor. 

As with every white knight, there was always a dark one waiting in the shadows. That knight was Niya. She provided the spark that Quinton and I seemed to be losing. She was spontaneous and exciting, daring and risqué. Sex with her was as powerful as it was with Quinton, yet she was also my best friend. I could share and had shared everything with her without fear of her judging me and she trusted that I would do the same. Through the years I became her rock and she became my guide. Whenever she needed to be grounded, I was there for her and whatever I lacked in experience, she provided for me; we complimented each other. I loved her even before I'd even met Quinton and our intimacy only strengthened that bond. 

But in the end, I knew what I had to do. I had to make a choice and I chose Quinton.

More than anything in the world, I wanted to be Quinton's wife. Teniyah was my best friend, but she'd be hurt by what I had to say and I prayed that she would cherish our friendship enough to let it return to the way it was.

I was stopped at a red light and on my way back to the apartment when out of the corner of my eye I saw my cell phone light up. I reached over to answer it when my hand seemed to go numb and I withdrew it. 

"I can do this." I took in a deep breath then exhaled before I reached over, flipped up the phone and spoke.

"Hello?"

"Lae, you'll never guess what just happened to me!" It was Simone and she sounded manic. She didn't know that I knew, but after she had MJ, she was either really happy or obnoxiously depressed, like she'd been on Sunday.

I knew I'd never be able to guess, but I took a stab at it anyway. "Mike died and there was a million dollar policy in your name?" 

"No, but that would be a very nice Valentine's Day gift. Guess again!" Yup, she was manic.

"Why should I guess when I'm not going to get it right? Just tell me already!" I was relieved that it was her and not Niya, but I didn't feel like speaking with her right now. She was having a good day, I was not, but I certainly didn't want to hear anymore about hers than I had to.

"I have a secret admirer! They just left yellow roses and cookies on my desk!"

I tried not to sound too uninterested, but I failed miserably. "Wow! That is nice. That's really nice for someone to do." I had too much on my mind to worry about whom sent her flowers. By days end I wasn't sure if I'd even have a friend. She was halfway into her next statement when my phone beeped and I saw that Niya was on the other end. My heart fell into my stomach, but I needed to let her know. "Hey Monie can I call you back, Niya is calling me on the other line." 

"Yeah, okay. I'll just talk to you later then."

I clicked over just in time to catch her. "Hello? Hello?" I shouted into the phone.

"I didn't think you wanted to talk." She said. "I was just about to hang up until I heard you."

"Niya, we need to talk." It was then that I noticed a lot of people talking in the background. "Where are you?" 

"I'm at work. I'm getting in a couple of extra hours. I know we need to talk, but I can't talk here. Can I meet you at your place at about four?"

"Um yeah, four is okay. Quinton won't be home til about 5:30."

"I'll see you then, love ya."

"Love you, too." She hung up and I had less than three hours to get myself ready.

*************

4:10 PM

I looked outside my bedroom window every minute after four looking for Niya's Cavalier. When she finally pulled into a parking spot it was already ten after which only gave us an hour to talk. There were a lot of things that needed to be said and I wasn't sure if an hour was long enough to recover from it all.

The butterflies in my stomach were so rampant I was fooled into sitting on the toilet several times, thinking I was going to shit in my pants. I paced around the apartment trying not to bite my fingernails when her familiar knock ran across my door.

I rubbed my sweaty palms together to lose so of the moisture, checked the thermometer in the kitchen to make sure the AC was on and answered the door.




If You Don't Tell Ch. 02



She walked in, still wearing her scrubs, yet smelling more like an exotic flower nursery than a hospital. "Hey Lae." She moved past me as I closed the door behind her. As soon as the door was closed, she turned back towards me for a kiss.

I dodged her advance. "We need to talk."

Upset by my refusal to kiss her she glared at me and sat down on my couch before speaking up. "Me first." I sat down on the couch next to her, still shaking from my nervousness and listened. "This morning some things happened that shouldn't have. I got mad after you accused me, without actually saying that I had, of cheating. Do you really want to know what I was doing? I was cleaning. Not just regular housework either. I was doing Super mom type of cleaning. I'd just finished cleaning behind my dresser when you called. You remember my dresser, right? It's big, oak, and heavy as hell. It has a couple of breakable mirrors on it, just so that I can look at myself straining. And before that, I was fixing the pipe on my kitchen sink; the one that constantly leaks and is destroying the inside of my cabinets. And still before that, I fixed the big springy tube on the back of my dryer and cleaned up all the grey stuff that spent years behind my dryer. Here's the best part. This is all stuff that I've asked Franklin to do, but you know what he gives me instead? For Valentine's Day he gave me the best three minutes of his life, thank you very much."

Sitting by her side and listening to her story made me feel awful for not only what she had to go through, but also what I had to tell her. "So that was your morning?"

"Yes Lae, it was hell. I have calluses on my hands, there's still lint and crap from under the sink still in my hair, and I'm horny as hell. But what made it all worse was when you came at me the way you did. I told you how I feel and you tried me. You of all people should know that I can be trusted."

"I know you can, but sometimes I can't help myself. My imagination gets a little crazy and I get possessive. I'm sorry for that. I wish there was a way I could take it all back."

"There's a way." She leaned over to kiss me and I stood up to avoid her advance. She looked at me with a puzzled look on her face. "Lae, what's going on? I understand why you didn't kiss me before, but now that you know I don't understand." She sounded perplexed, but the look she gave me was one of hurt. "Did I do something wrong?"

"Niya, I've been trying to tell you something all day, but I don't know how."

"Just tell me. I'm a big girl." She looked me right in the eye and no matter how hard I tried to avert my gaze, I couldn't turn away. 

I suddenly became so numb that I had to sit back down to keep myself from passing out. "I--we need to stop doing what we're doing. We need to stop being with each other." Each word became increasingly harder to say, but after I said it I couldn't look her in the eyes anymore.

"So you're telling me that we have to stop having sex with each other?" She asked.

"Yes." I answered, but I still continued to look at the ground. I felt as guilty as a child who'd just been sent to the principal's office.

"Forever?" She asked; her voice cracking and barely audible. 

"Yes." I repeated, almost whispering.

"Wow, I wasn't expecting that." Tears began falling from her eyes. "This has certainly been a shitty day."

As I watched the tears plummet from her face to her lap, I began crying as well. I hated seeing her when she was upset and I hated even more that I was the one who brought her here. She needed to know everything and I spoke to her through my sobbing. "I love you, you know that, but I can't continue--continue leading a double life. It's wrong for you and for Quinton. Niya, you're my best--my best friend, but being with you confuses me. I thought I knew what I wanted from life, but every time we sleep together you blur that line."

"How do you think it is with me? I struggle with this everyday. I was--I am willing to give up my life for you if you say the word. I didn't come to this decision easily, but I've been hurt too many times. You are the only person who has always been in my corner and I had no doubt that it would work between us. I never wanted you to make a choice, but now that you have, it hurts like hell that you didn't choose me. What can I say to make you change your mind? Is it me? What can I do to be better? I'll do anything, you know that. I told you that I'd be with you and Quinton if you wanted me to be. Just give me another chance. Laela please!"

The tears began flowing more rapidly as she collapsed on my shoulder and sobbed on Quinton's shirt until I could feel the warmth from her tears on my flesh. In all the years I'd known her I had never seen her as vulnerable as she was now. I didn't know what to say or what to do, so I just held her as my tears ran down my face onto her back.

After a few minutes of holding each other she sat up and stared into my eyes. With tears still slowly descending from her eyes, she placed her left hand on my thigh and leaned in to kiss me, but this time I didn't stop her. I didn't want to.

She softly kissed my top lip and then the bottom one. When she began to withdraw, I grabbed her scrub shirt and pulled her down with me as I leaned back onto my couch. Our kissing grew more intense with each breath and it wasn't long before she'd taken off my top and I'd pulled off hers.

She kissed me all along my ribs, nibbling exactly where I told her I liked it and careful not to move too fast. She'd just begun unfastening my bra when my cell phone rang. It was Quinton. I put my fingers to my lips to let her know to keep quiet and answered the phone.

She'd already unfastened my jeans and was pulling my panties and jeans down my legs when I answered. "Hello baby."

"Hey sexy, are you at the house?" He asked.

"Yes. I've been here all day."

"Okay. Well I wanted to thank you for breakfast this morning."

"You're very welcome. You know I'd do anything for you. You don't usually call this late in the day. Are you stuck in traffic or did something happen at work?" Niya had already started sucking on my toes and I was rushing my sentences out so that I could shiver without Quinton hearing me.

"It's work. I might be home a little later than I'd planned. Unfortunately, we have some people from out of town coming in to look at the operation and it's going to push me back a little further than I thought it would."

Niya began licking on my forbidden spot, my clit, and I glared at her for being so indiscreet. I couldn't believe that the same qualities I found appealing in her were the same ones that were going to get us found out. She didn't care about my glare and continued. "Um--that's um--that's too bad baby." I put the phone between my shoulder and neck and used both hands to push her away from me.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, just taking off my clothes and getting in the shower." I lied. When it came to Quinton, it was something I was beginning to do often.

"Ooooh sounds good. Can I join you later on?"

"We'll seeeeee." Niya had pushed my knees all the way to my neck which left me wide open to do whatever she wanted.

"You sure you okay? You sound different. Turn down the A/C, it might help." He suggested.

"I'm okay. I almost slipped on the floor." With Niya's treachery, I continued to struggle with each word. "Hey Babe, can--I call--you back! Using--the bathroom!"

"That's nasty. You could've told me before you started. Anyway, don't cook. I'll be bringing something home. Don't tell me what you want; I'll just pick up something on the way home. I just wanted you to know that I love you." He quietly whispered the last three words into the phone.

"Love you too." I barely had time to hang up when Niya knocked the phone from my hand. "What's wrong you with you? Are you trying to get us caught?" I was shocked at how bold she'd just been, but I wanted her to finish too badly to sustain my anger.

"If I wanted him to know I was eating you out I would've told him myself. That was just for fun." She devilishly smiled as only she could.

"Dammit Niya, that's it. I can't do this anymore." I began to sit up, but she forcefully pushed me back down.

"Lae I'm sorry, but you want this as much as I do. You can put on a front all you want, but you love my tongue, especially when it's between your legs, don't you?" I clenched my jaws and glowered at her. She smiled and dragged her tongue over my temple. "Don't you?"

I was too weak to resist. If this was going to be the last time, I wanted to make it last as long as it possibly could. And with Quinton's job keeping him longer, it was destined to happen. "Yes."

Just as quickly as we'd shed tears, she'd gotten her swagger back and I was lusting for her to return to my temple. "Yes what? I want to hear it baby. Tell me you want me to fuck you right here on this couch." She went back down on me and continued conversing as she did. "You still want me to fuck Quinton while you watch, don't you?"

"Yes baby, I want you between my legs. Fuck me right now."

"And what else?" She asked, knowing I hadn't answered everything like she'd wanted me to.

I loved her dominance and it only added to my excitement. I wasn't sure if I wanted to answer her second question, but when I began to feel my orgasm slowing releasing itself from its hidden slumber, I knew that at this moment I couldn't deny her anything she wanted. I was about to climax when I answered her second question. "Yes--yes, I want you to fuck Quinton while I watch." No sooner than it had escaped from my mouth, I deeply inhaled and screamed to the top of my lungs, "Shiiiiiiiiiiiit!" 

Her tongue never wavered as my body involuntarily contorted all over the living room couch, bringing several smaller climaxes in tow. When she finally withdrew, her face was covered with my ecstasy. She wiped most of it off of her face with her right hand and licked every finger until I was sure it had all been tasted and swallowed.

"I'm not finished with you. On your knees!" She demanded. 

I was exhausted, but I did as I did as I was ordered to. I touted my ass in the air, spread my legs, and relaxed my back as she ate me from behind. Any rational thoughts I had were put on hold as my body responded repeatedly with wave after wave of climax. 

Even if I wanted her to stop, the only words that were allowed out of my mouth were the curses of another oncoming orgasm.

*************

7:05 PM

Teniyah and I made love for a little more than two hours. It wasn't a personal record, but I certainly couldn't remember when sex for that long was more like one long orgasm.

As we were putting our clothes back on I spoke for the first time since we began our escapade. "I said some things--"

She interrupted me and finished my statement with one of her own. "--that you can't take back." 

"Niya, we can't keep doing this. Tonight is the end of it."

She turned her head away from me, but not before I could see her melancholic look returning. "But we had sex! And it was great!" She exclaimed. She couldn't hold back her disappointment very long as she soon began whispering. "I thought we were okay, Lae. Why can't we be together?"

It tore me apart worse than I thought it would, but I knew it had to come to an end or later on it would be worse off for the both of us. "Niya, you know how much I love you, but we can't continue doing this. This is wrong. I can't deny that I have feelings for you, but just because we're women doesn't make it anything les than cheating. If Franklin was with another man, wouldn't you consider that cheating?"

"That's different. There's penetration there." She rebutted.

"Tell me that we haven't penetrated each other. We've done it with our fingers, our tongues, and even our very hearts. We can't use that excuse anymore. My father used to tell me that every time you slept with a man, you carried a piece of his soul with you. The more pieces you had, the less likely you were to maintain a closer relationships because a soul carries with it all of the despair and problems that the man himself carried. But it's not all bad. It also carries with it the love he had for you, which makes it that much harder for us to love another man so quickly. It doesn't only apply to men. No matter what I go through in life, I will always carry a piece of you with me."

"But Lae, we had sex. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"Yes, it means something to me. It' means we did something we shouldn't have. I don't regret one single second of it or that it happened the way that it had. I wanted you and I knew you wanted me, but we can't have a relationship when the both of us already have other lives--with other people."

"You're right, but you can't take back what you said."

I had an idea of what she was getting at, but I chose to play dumb just in case we were talking about two entirely different things. "What I said about what?"

"You said that you loved when I was in between your legs." I was relieved, but my relief was short lived and was replaced by absolute horror. "You also said that you wanted me to fuck Quinton while you watched. Are you going to take that back too? You told me you wanted to do a threesome for his birthday before all of this. Are you reneging on that too?"

I didn't know what to say. "I forgot about that. I'm not sure if we should though."

She solemnly looked at me. "Laela Booker, if you go back on your word, I will never forgive you. I have given you everything and offered you more than I've offered anyone in my entire life. It's not fair that every time you want something, I'm literally on my knees getting it for you, but let me want something and all of a sudden the rules change."

"Whoa, what would you say if I wanted to sleep with Franklin?"

"I'd say good luck keeping it hard for more than two minutes! Can't I know what it's like to be you? Can't I get some satisfaction as well?"

"You were the one who wanted to sleep with me and you got what you wanted! You got satisfaction!" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She wanted satisfaction from my man!

"Yeah, but it was always when you wanted too or when you were comfortable! If we did it whenever I wanted to, it'd be 5 or six times a week and not the handful of times we've done it! I can't believe you! You get great sex on both ends and you don't even want to share with someone who's willing to sacrifice their life for you! You are a fucking trip!"

I was upset and bordering on mad. "Teniyah Oliver, this conversation is over! It's done! We are done and you just don't want to let go! I don't have to share my man and it's not my fault if your man needs a damn stint to keep his dick hard! I'm tired and I'd appreciate it if you left!" I walked to my front door and threw it open, exposing myself in only my underwear to whoever happened to walk up the stairs from the parking lot.

"That's some foul shit, Lae." She pulled her scrub shirt back over her head and stormed out. As she passed me she made sure that I heard, "I wonder what Quinton's going to say when I tell him."

She had pushed the rock up the hill and destroyed the border that held my anger back. "Is that a threat?" I calmly asked.

"No," She said as she stood in my doorway, "it's a promise. But then again I guess you could say that a threat is just an unhappy promise." She smiled and walked down the outside stairs towards her car.

"I can't believe she fucking threatened me!" I yelled as I slammed the door to my apartment. "I knew I should've ended this a long time ago! I fucked up! I fucked up! Dammit!" I began pacing around the apartment, the same as I had done before she came. 

After a few minutes of pacing around the apartment and cursing Niya, I picked up my cell phone from off the floor, closed it and hooked it up to the charger. It was then that I came to the realization she was right. It was true that wanted to have the proverbial cake and eat it too. I never told her, but I knew that she was the one friend I had the Quinton would screw; he told me as much. The thought of them being together and leaving me behind was too much to bear and so I never really truly entertained the idea of a threesome with her. 

When I was with my parents in Cleveland, I'd planned for it to happen, but in reality I was going to make up some excuse then too to keep it from happening. All I really succeeded in doing was alienating my best friend with lies and deceit, the same thing I was doing to my fiancée. I was no better than the people on all the talk shows I claimed to be better than. 

I was still in deep thought when the house phone rang. I looked at the ID and when I saw it was Niya, I feigned hostility when I answered it. "Hello!"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything I said. I was just upset that you went back on your word. Can you forgive me?"

All of the fury that I'd just been internalizing suddenly dissipated and I was on the phone with my best friend. "I'm sorry, too. I really didn't mean it when I said those things; like when I said your husband needed a stint for his dick, I was upset. You weren't wrong about anything, you were right about everything. I did want things when I wanted them and that was wrong of me to do. I was--am being selfish and I'd like it if you'd forgive me."

"That dick stint thing was pretty funny and I would've laughed if I weren't so damn mad at you. Lae, I can't stay angry with you, but I'll only forgive you on one condition."

"Name it."

"You be true to your word from now on."

"Is it retroactive?" I asked, hoping that maybe she'd give in and save me from my own words.

"It is most certainly retroactive."

"Let me think about it."

"Laela!" She shouted into the phone.

"Okay, okay." I conceded defeat. "I'll keep my word. We can do it, but only once and only on his birthday."

"It's a deal." She said and we hung up. It felt good to have my friend back so soon, but I was nervous as hell thinking about how it was all going to go down.

************* 8:15PM

Niya left an hour ago, but Quinton still hadn't gotten home. I nervously walked around the living room where she and I ended our hidden sexual relationship and wondered what was taking Q so long to get home. With my type of karma I was surprised that he hadn't walked in on us. I called his cell and work phone several times after she left, but I as soon as his voicemail message clicked on, I hung up.

My plan was to make love to him as soon as he came home, but Niya's visit curtailed that arrangement. As I caught flashbacks from out last intimate moment together, my eyes rolled up into my skull and my body shivered, and I was useless in trying to control it. I didn't know what I was going to tell him if he wanted some, but I hoped that he would be just as content with some head.

I grabbed some crackers and Quinton's card from the kitchen before I walked to the bedroom. I soon as I walked through the door, I crashed down on the bed and tossed his card on his side of the bed. Fatigued as hell and drained of every ounce of cum I had in my body, I shoved the crackers in my mouth two at a time to help replenish my strength while I watched a movie on HBO.

"Where are you Quinton?" I asked myself, hoping that he'd suddenly walk through the door and I could satisfy him before my eventual collapse. I thought about making coffee, but I heard somewhere that extra carbs help boost your energy.

The crackers were a complete failure. I succumbed to my exhaustion as I fell asleep with the TV still on, cracker crumbs hanging halfway out of my mouth, and Quinton's Valentine's Day card lying on the pillow beside me. The last thought I had before passing out: "Quinton, where the hell are you?"

Quinton

6:45 AM

I left the apartment feeling like I had rocks in my stomach and was still feeling my insides being ravaged as I pulled into Dre's driveway. I jumped out of my car and ran up to his door banging furiously, hoping that he hadn't gone back to sleep after I called.




If You Don't Tell



There'd always been some form of sexual chemistry between us, but I was the type who didn't want it to explode in my face, or in my gas tank. Add in the fact that we worked with each other daily, and it was doomed before it even began. We did have some history though. We'd flirted on several occasions; kissed each other on selected holidays and in the past I'd even spent the night on her couch, but something about her just never sat right with me, so I never pursued it. The carnal side of me often had me daydreaming of what could've been, but the logic side of me begged me to stay back, and I usually listened to my brain more often than my heart.

"Hey boss," she was still panting from her morning jog, "I wanted to talk to you about something right quick." 

I was still new to the "boss" thing, so it felt a little strange responding to it when we had such a history. "Leslie, I'm still Q, not boss man, ok. At least not until I begin subjugating you guys." I mused, but she looked concerned, so I sat quietly at my desk, folded me hands and nodded.

"I want to get some things out on the table right now. " It seemed serious, so I eased back in my chair and listened. "I went to the club last night, with a couple of my girls. Well, to make a long story short, I met up with this guy and I went home with him, that's the reason why I'm so late."

I wasn't jealous, but my gut did wrench for a brief second. Maybe it was because I secretly fantasized that person could've been me, or maybe because I was sitting here listening to her spill her soul about letting some guy be up in her, I wasn't sure, but I kept a stone face and remained un-phased.  

"The reason I'm telling you this is because I feel like I can talk to you about things like this. And secondly," she paused, "well, secondly is because the guy I went home with was your boy Dre. You know I met him when he came here before to pick you up, but I just wanted to make it alright with you before you found out some other way. It wasn't an intentional thing, it just happened. You know? If you don't want it to happen again, then it wont, because it might be uncomfortable since you know him and I know you guys talk."

Hearing the name brought a little relief, but it also put a face on the other guy. It brought reprieve because now I could completely let go of my fantasy, but the knowledge was still a little raw. I knew that it was wrong for us to have a relationship, but my dick often had other ideas. Even though we weren't together, it would take some time for me to get pass the fantasy.

"Are you okay?" She asked. She'd awakened me from my daydream, but I looked up at her, reassured her that I was okay, and laughed. 

She looked confused, so I explained myself. "I just wanted to be the one who got the draws. Oh well. But keep quiet. I'll just have to let that remain my secret fantasy."

She smiled, came around to my side of the desk, and kissed me on my temple. "You've always had your chance; you just never took advantage of it." And with that she began to seductively walk out of my office, wagging her behind like a stripper leaving the stage.

"You can't be kissing on me like that." I quietly shouted at her.

She turned around. "Why?"

"Because," I answered, "First off, I'm almost married. Add in how you might make people jealous, and then well have rumors swirling around this place. Besides, you were with Dre last night! I don't know where your lips have been!" She smiled and walked out. 

I picked up the phone and called Dre just to find out exactly where her lips had been, but knowing Dre, I wasn't going to like the answer.





If You Don't Tell



I staggered from the front door to the bathroom, forgetting how weak I was after such a draining session. I turned on the shower and let the smoke fill the room before I took off my housecoat and stepped in. In my mind, there is nothing better than a hot shower after hot sex. My body still tingled from the after-effects and the steamy water only heightened the post orgasmic arousal.

I showered for about ten minutes before I stepped out, wiped the mist off my mirror, and examined how far I'd fallen off the wagon since I'd been in a serious relationship. My butterscotch complexion was complete contrast to my dark eyes and hair, but I still had my mothers figure; two handfuls of breast, small hips, and a round ass. I wasn't chubby, but I'd been out of the gym for a while and I was starting to lose my definition. Solid is what brings them, solid is what was going to keep him. I patted on my stomach and smacked on my ass for good measure. Luckily they were both still firm, but that would change if I didn't keep my focus.

I left the bathroom, walked into our bedroom to freshen up, and threw on my work scrubs. I was hoping to leave out early and avoid the awful Houston traffic, which would most certainly put a damper on my easy-going mood. 

Right before I walked out the door, the phone rang. I wasn't going to pick it up and be late, so I just glanced at the caller ID to see that my friend Simone was calling. I grabbed my purse and reminded myself to call her on my cell on the way to work.

I pulled out of the parking lot onto the street and turned right, driving my newly bought silver Honda Accord and feeling like a new woman. After a few minutes of driving south on Highway 6, I entered the on ramp of 59 North before I dialed up Simone.

"I just called you." She sounded busy. Ever since she became a wife, she always sounded rushed and busy.

"Um, don't most people answer their phones with hello? And a hello to you too."

"Yeah, but I already knew it was you, so there wasn't any need for formalities." She snapped back. 

"You are impossible." Today wasn't a day where I wanted to exchange quips; I was in a good mood.

"I was bored and I wanted someone to talk to. Michael just left and I don't even think we have anything planned for the New Year."

Michael was her husband and one of my fiancée's closest friends. I met Simone in high school and though we best friends, I was disappointed in some of the choices she made. I love her to death, but she had so much potential in high school, and before she met her husband. Now she's a wife and mother with a dead end job, complete with a husband whom I've always suspected of cheating. I've told her several times about my suspicions, but she always shrugged it off by telling me that there wasn't any proof and a good woman stands by her man.

"Well, Q and I don't have any plans yet. Did you have something in mind?" I was ducking through traffic, passing by police cruisers and trying to concentrate on driving while listening to her at the same time. I wasn't a professional like some of these drivers, but I was pretty damn good when it came to dodging traffic. "I mean if you want, we can do something together." I suggested.

"That's sounds like a good idea. Why don't we all get a hotel room and get drunk?" She seemed to have perked up a little at the mention of us doing something together.

"Well you know Q and I don't drink. Do you have something else in mind?"

"It's New Year's!" She exclaimed. "You don't have to be prudes all the time!"

"We're not prudes," I was almost on the defensive, "we're just not fish like someone we all know." She knew I was talking about her. Ever since she and Michael began having problems, Simone began to party more often and her drinking was noticeably heavier. Most of the drinking dealt with 100 proof and higher.

"Look Lae, I need to get out the house. I need to do something. I'm going crazy and I think Mike has some other plans. He hasn't said anything yet, but I hear him on the phone talking with his boys, telling them that he doesn't have anything planned. I would at least like to bring in this year with him. At least if Q is gonna be there, more than likely he'll come."

"I hear you." She'd been so self-destructive lately that I figured one night out wouldn't kill any of us. I'd hoped it might bring us a little closer than we'd been lately, especially since I hadn't seen Simone in a few weeks. "I'll talk to Quinton and see what he wants to do."

"Thanks, girl." She sounded genuinely appreciative.

"Anytime, but I need to get off this phone and pay more attention to the traffic. Anything else you wanna talk about?"

"Yeah, but I'll talk to you about it later." After we hung up, I searched for my Akilah Berry CD. She was one of my favorite soul artists and the music always mellowed me out before I reached my hectic working environment. I popped it into the CD player, and listened to for the rest of my morning commute. There's nothing like some relaxing music to get me ready for a twelve hour shift.