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Billy Ch. 01

By: amicus



BILLY

William Acton Harrison’s thirty-fourth birthday passed without attention the day before spring break. He sat in the porch swing of his father’s home and watched the early morning sunlight create long shadows up and down the street.

He didn’t hear the cautious first songs of the nesting spring birds, nor see the scrambling squirrels along the newly leafed branches. He saw instead, an earlier time, a younger town, a younger man and a new love that was no more. Then, in his mind, he saw the present time, the last few weeks, the turmoil in his thoughts, the future that was not a future, at least for him.

William ‘Billy’ Harrison had taught physical education and coached baseball in the same high school he graduated from years ago. He had recently been named Athletic Director and Boy’s Counselor; he no longer coached and only tutored athletes that needed extra help. His career slowly dwindled away, which, was as he desired. It had not been as painful as he thought it would be.

~ ~ ~

Rumors flew quickly down the hallways and in the classrooms when one of the prettiest senior girls disappeared for a week, then came back late for the first class of the day without an apology or an explanation.

Julie Ann McGregor never missed a day, and was never, ever, late for class. She was a 3.92 student and had already been accepted by a major University. Julie was engaged, though without a ring, to her long time boyfriend, Mike Rasmussen, whose father owned the local bank and was a City Councilman. Mike and Julie Ann had their lives planned; college, marriage, teaching, then a family and happy ever after.

A vibrant, vivacious girl, Julie never left her house without being dressed for the occasion, whatever it might be. Her long sandy red hair swung wildly as she led cheers, or was confined to a ponytail when she attended meetings as Secretary of the Senior Class. Her green eyes were usually warm and welcoming but could become cold emerald beacons when she was challenged. She had a finely sculptured face, full sensuous lips, ample breasts and an easygoing manner, friendly to everyone.

Julie spoke to no one when she returned to school, smiled at no one and moved slowly through the hallways from class to class, her eyes downcast, her usual swinging, rhythmical saunter now a trudging effort to put one foot in front of the other. She made eye contact only with Molly Fisk, a tiny, mousy young girl with huge glasses who worked in the library. Molly read strange old books continuously and looked up only to glare at anyone who dared to intrude, except for Julie Ann. They always exchanged smiles and greetings, but not this time.

Molly saw through the make-up that didn’t quite cover the bruises on Julie’s face, she looked into the green eyes that were now dull and lifeless. Molly reached out a hand to her friend but Julie pulled back, hesitated then lowered her head and walked away, not looking back.

“Julie, oh Julie, please stop! Please come back. Talk to me! Julie!”

William Harrison always smiled and felt a tug at his heart whenever he caught sight of Julie as she swept through the school, giggling, flirting, confiding secrets and gossip with her many friends. When he found out what had happened to her he was sickened and angry, very angry, and deeply concerned. He made many phone calls; left his office for hours at a time and tried his best to find someone who could share Julie's silent suffering

JULIE

It was dark. Not just dark like the night with ambient light here and there, but pitch black, a total absence of light. He had planned it that way. 

He sat on the padded floor, his knees together, his head resting on his knees, his arms folded across his stomach. He listened to her breathing, in and out, slow, long, deep; in and out. He closed his eyes, meaningless in the darkness and waited.

She stirred, the sounds of legs stretching and arms moving across the floor. There was a brief silence, and then a gasp and rapid breathing; the sounds of movement and panic in her voice. “Where am I? What happened? Why can’t I see? Oh God! I can’t see! Please, please, somebody…!” 

William Harrison drew a long noisy breath, exhaled and moved slightly.

She heard and screamed again, “Who are you? Where am I? Why can’t I see” 

He spoke in slow measured words, “You are safe, Julie, no one will hurt you. I’m really worried about you. You’ll be all right.”

Sounds of motion filled the room with a soft thud-bump as she rose and ran into a padded wall and fell. She scrunched backwards until she felt the wall again and curled up into a fetal position, panting and hissing through her teeth.

Silence again, except for breathing sounds, long and slow, short and quick.

“Oh, God! I’m naked! Where are my clothes? Why did you take my clothes? Why am I here? Please don’t hurt me, please…” She sobbed.

He hesitated then spoke quietly, “I am a friend, Julie, I want to help you if I can.”

“A friend? Help me?” Julie’s voice rose, “You kidnap me, take my clothes off and put me in a dark room and you want to help me? Fuck you! Whoever you are! I’ll scratch your goddamned eyes out! I’ll fight you this time! I’d rather die…where are you? Where the hell are you?”

Sounds of movement filled the space as Julie jumped up and ran and collided with a wall again and cursed and ran again and tripped and fell on the soft padded floor. She jumped up and ran again and ran into him as he was getting to his feet, knocking him to the floor. Cursing and screaming, she pummeled him with her fists and kicked and hit again and again as he covered up and took the blows.

“Goddamn you!” Screamed Julie, “Who are you? Why am I here? What do you want?” She swung again and connected with his mouth and opened a small cut on her knuckle. “Ouch, Damn it!” She squealed, then kicked out and drew a grunt of surprise.

Silence again, heavy breathing from both as Julie slumped to the floor, her fear and anger lessened by the verbal and physical outburst.

“You’re not gonna hit me back?” She asked quietly.

“No.” came his gentle reply.

“You’re not going to hurt me or…rape me?”

“No, Julie.”

“Who are you?”

“A friend.”

“You said that already.” 

There was silence in the darkness.

Julie moved slowly until she had her back to a wall again, opened and closed her eyes and turned her head back and forth looking for any source of light. Her breathing slowed. She put the injured knuckle in her mouth. “Did I hurt you very much?”

“No, not much.”

“I hurt my hand.”

“I think you loosened a tooth.”

“I’m sorry.” said Julie with a faraway sound in her voice.

Silence again. A long period of silence with slow regular breathing and an occasional rustle of movement.

“Who are you?” She asked again in a very quiet voice.

“I can not tell you who I am, Julie, I’m sorry.”

“Why not?” She asked petulantly, “Here I am all alone in a dark room with a man and well, what can I call you? You aren’t just any Tom, Dick or Harry and you don’t sound like a George or a Fred or ahh…what shall I call you? I know! I’ll call you Billy! I had a friend in grade school, his name was Billy, he was nice.”

Billy stopped breathing in mid-breath and exhaled slowly. “No one has called me. ‘Billy’, in a very long time’”

Julie’s voice was lightly joyous, “That’s really your name? Oh goody! You are ‘Billy’, someone, for real?”

“Yes, Julie, you made a lucky guess.” He spoke with tenderness and calm in his voice, “I want you to tell me what happened to you.”

“No!” She said firmly. “What do you look like? How tall are you? How old are you? I can’t see anything in here. Uh, can I…ah, can I touch your face so I can get a picture of you in my mind?”

“If you want,” said Billy, “I won’t touch you…”

“You better not touch me!” she hissed, “I don’t want to be touched by anyone, ever!”

“I’m sorry, Julie,” he said. “I’m standing up, facing the sound of your voice, my hands are stretched out in front of me.”

“Oh!” gasped Julie as she stood, reached out and brushed his hand. She jerked her hand back then reached slowly out again and took his fingers in one hand then both, exploring his hand. She cautiously moved her hand to his wrist, and then a few inches up his forearm and stopped.

She held her breath as he pulled his arm away from her slightly and ever so gently squeezed her hand and pulled it towards him and up to his face. Julie breathed out slowly, her breath quavering, her heart pounding. She ran her fingers up his cheek against the grain of his close shaved face to the corner of his eye, then brought her other hand up slowly to frame his face and willed her hands to explore.

Her voice was uneven and her hands shaking, “You have really short hair, like a buzz cut, you’re not real tall. You have a high forehead, a nice nose and, oh, a strong chin.” Julie slid her hands down both sides of his neck, to his shoulders and down then drew in a quick breath, dropped her hands and felt her way back to the comfort of the wall and sat down. She sat quietly, listening to her own breathing as it slowed.

“You must be an athlete, I bet, or you work out a lot. Your neck is thick and you have big shoulders. I never felt hair on a man’s chest before; it made me feel funny. Are you a good looking guy?”

He chuckled lightly for her to hear, “Well, I’ve never been called ugly, I guess my looks are okay. Are you all right? Do you feel better now?”

“I think so,” she answered. “I don’t feel so trapped and helpless right now. I don’t want to hit you anymore.”

They both lapsed into a silence that lasted for several minutes.

“Julie?” He finally asked.

“You don’t have a shirt on.”

“Julie, please talk to me, tell me what happened.”

“You don’t want to know,” she said very quietly.

He spoke low with emotion in his voice. “You’re right, Julie, I really don’t want to know. Knowing will cause me pain and anger. But I think you must say it. I think you have to share it with someone and I offer you that.”

“I can’t,” she moaned, “It’s too awful. I can’t, I just can’t.” She cried quietly, the tears warm and wet on her face, dropping in startling fashion on her chest.

“Why did you take my clothes off? Did you look at me?”

“I didn’t look at you, Julie,” he answered quickly. “I took them off here, in the dark. I thought about it for a long time before…”

“Thought about what?” She asked.

“How to do what I had to do,” he answered.

“What do you mean? I don’t understand.”

“Julie, please believe that I want to help you get through this.” he paused, “I know you have refused counseling, that you won’t talk to anyone…”

“Who are you?” Julie interrupted, “How do you know what I have done or not done? Who are you?”

“Julie, I am your friend, I want to help.”

“Damn, that’s all you’re going to say? A friend?” She spat the words out, “How can you help me? What can you do? Make it go away like it never happened? There’s nothing you can do. Just leave me alone.”

“I can listen,” he said quietly. “I can let you hit me if that will help.”

Silence, then sobbing and moving sounds as Julie ran in place while lying down, trying to get away without trying to get away. She cried and sobbed and moaned.

Billy moved toward the sounds of her movement, found her and put his arms around her, cuddling her, holding her, trying to comfort her.

“You Son of a Bitch!” Screamed Julie, “You don’t have any clothes on! You’re naked! You wanna fuck me like they did! Okay! Go ahead! Stick it in me like they did! I’m not a virgin anymore so it won’t hurt so much! Go ahead! Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me!”

She scrambled around and straddled him on the padded floor, grabbed his arms and tried to find him with her hips and her bottom, something to penetrate her. There was nothing.

“You Bastard!” She screamed, “You Bastard! You can’t even fuck me!” Julie sat atop him slapping and hitting and crying and then she stopped and he put his arms around her and held her.

The minutes passed with breathing sounds and sobs and finally quiet as he cradled her back in his arms.

“I’m sorry I hit you.” She spoke into the darkness with her eyes closed. “I do have to talk about it, don’t I?”

“I think so,” he said.

“It’s so awful,” she sobbed, “They destroyed my life, my whole future.”

“No, Julie, they didn’t,” he said quietly.

“Yes they did!” She cried, “It’s even worse than you think.”

Billy ran his fingers through her hair from her forehead back again and again. “Tell me what happened. Everything, from the beginning, don’t leave anything out.”

“I can’t,” she whispered, “I’m so ashamed, I just can’t do it.”

More silence; a long breathing, thinking silence, as he stroked her hair.

“I can’t do this,” she moaned with a quiet tortured voice.

“Yes you can,” he said gently.

Julie shifted her position, then sat up and moved away, finding a wall for her back. She took a long deep breath and began speaking so softy that he could barely hear her.

“I didn’t go out looking for anything. My boyfriend, Mikey, was working, my folks had company. I went for a drive and saw some cars parked at Maria’s place, one of my friends, so I stopped and went in.”

“Okay,” said Billy.

“Well, Maria was with some people, so I just waved and got a glass of white wine from one of those spigotty things in the refrigerator, you know what I mean? Then I had to use the bathroom so I put my drink down on a table on the back porch and I said hello to a few people I knew on the way back and I just kinda hung out for a while.

“I took a few sips and looked around and most everyone was talking to someone and the music was loud so I thought I would just stay for a little while and then go home. For some reason, the wine made me a little dizzy so I stepped out into the back yard to get some fresh air. I was only there a couple minutes and I heard voices like someone coming out the back door. I turned around to see who it was and somebody grabbed me, put something over my eyes and started dragging me across the yard. I tried to scream but there was a hand over my mouth and other people came and they picked me up…oh…I can’t do this, I just can’t, I can’t, I can’t…Oh damn, Oh Hell!” She cried.

Julie sobbed in the darkness as Billy strained toward her, “Julie, please try, I…”

She pushed the words out in rapid bursts, “I heard a car door open. They pushed me inside. There were two guys in the back and at least two more in the front, I could hear them talking. I tried to get out but they held me down.

“The car started moving and they were touching me, putting their hands inside my blouse and trying to get inside my jeans and I was fighting and they slapped me and pulled me down on the seat. Someone yelled, ‘Cops!’ and they just held me down and kept a hand over my mouth. Someone said, '‘Cool it! Wait ‘til we get out of town!” But they still were touching me all over.”

Julie paused, “I figured out later they must have put something in my wine, because as I try to remember what happened, I can’t. Some things I can’t remember clearly, like, I don’t know, I can’t recall…

“When the car stopped I was really dizzy and I wasn’t fighting anymore but I did scratch someone and I hit and kicked someone too…they just picked me up, two or three of them and carried me into a house, I guessed it was a house. They threw me on a bed or a mattress and…Oh, God, Billy, I just can’t do this, please, I don’t want to remember…I’ve been trying to forget everything and now you want me to go all through it again. I can’t! I just can’t do it!”

Billy leaned forward, towards her, “Julie, let me hold you…”

“Don’t touch me!” She screamed at him.

He heard her breathing slow. “Finish it, Julie, get it out…”

Julie’s voice was strained almost without emotion when she began again.

“They ripped my blouse off. They pulled my brassiere over my head and two of them were sucking on me. They unzipped my jeans and someone put a finger in me and they pulled my jeans down and pulled my panties down and…and…someone put a finger in my butt…and I was fighting and squirming and screaming and they grabbed my arms and legs and held me down. 

“Some one got on the bed and then laid down on me and pushed my legs apart…and…he hurt me, bad, and I screamed…and he stopped for a minute…he shouted…’A Goddamned Virgin! We got a Goddamned virgin!’ Then he pushed inside me and I screamed again and it hurt but he pushed and pushed and pushed…and then he just laid on me and stopped pushing and I was crying…and then someone yelled something and it felt like they yanked him off of me and threw him to the floor and someone else got on top of me and came inside me and pushed a lot of times and tried to kiss me and sucked on my neck and pushed against me real hard and grunted and flopped down on me.

“Then he got off of me and nothing happened for a few minutes. Then I felt the bed go down like someone heavy was there.” Julie was panting and stopped speaking for a moment.

“Billy, I hate this, I am so ashamed.” She went quiet again.

“He didn’t hurry. He was gentle with me. He massaged my breasts, he kissed all over my chest and neck and his hands were touching me everywhere. I started feeling funny, I was breathing real fast and like, ah, quivering…my stomach. He took a nipple in his mouth and he put a hand between my legs. He didn’t stick his finger inside me, he, he, just covered me and started rubbing with his whole hand. Billy, I felt it, I mean, I was really feeling it.

“I felt him sit up and move back between my legs, he put his hand behind my back just above my hips and he lifted me part way off the bed and Billy, he…he…ah, he put me on him. He was stronger and bigger than the other ones and…ah, I guess his, ah…thing was bigger too because it hurt again. He had my hips off the bed and he was inside me and he pushed hard and then…then…my head just exploded! 

“He hit me! He slapped my face so hard it knocked my head away and my ears were ringing. He said, “When I push,” and he pushed against me, “You push!” and he pulled me to him with his hand behind me. He pushed again and I couldn’t think or do anything and he hit me again and I felt something warm and wet on my lips and he pushed again and I tried to move but I was confused and hurting and he slapped me again and I screamed and I tried to fight and he pushed against me again and I pushed back and he pushed and I pushed and he yelled, “Let her loose!”, and I tried to hit him but he caught my arm and he pushed again and I pushed, then he grabbed my hair and he bent me back and he pushed again and I pushed…then…Oh, Billy…I felt something happening to my body…I…ah, oh, I wanted him to push! I wanted him to push harder, the harder he pushed the harder I pushed…and we were fucking…and I knew it…and I was liking it…and I wanted more and more…but he stopped and made a funny sound and laid on me, gasping and trying to kiss me.”

Julie went silent for a moment; Billy could hear her deep and rapid breathing. “I didn’t know that talking about it would make me feel…ah, feel it all over again.”

Billy spoke quietly, “Is there more?”

Julie sighed, “After he got off me, I just lay there, curled up, my legs together, my arms wrapped around myself, crying and hurting but also feeling and sweating and trembling. My head was spinning and I couldn’t think. I just lay there.

“Then I felt the bed sink again and I moved away from the touch on my back. But I felt a warm, wet cloth on my face and my neck and chest and then between my legs, up and down my thighs, but I didn’t move. I was afraid to move.

“He moved and lay down beside me and put his arm over my shoulder and pulled me to him. I didn’t fight. I didn’t resist. I let him turn me over on my back. I didn’t turn away when he put his face in the hollow of my neck and kissed me there. I didn’t try to stop him when he put his knee between my legs.


Billy Ch. 01



The story of Billy is complete and will be published over the next four days. 

All parts were edited by Lady Cibelle with my thanks.

Billy-Part 1

Stuart remembers during the trip back to Pittsburgh. This event leads to his move to Denver.

From Pittsburgh to Denver

I left the Orange Belt, merged onto the Penn Lincoln Parkway, then exited onto I-79 South to Bridgeville at 10:30 that evening. My flight from Denver to the Pittsburgh International Airport landed at 9:00 but I was still on Denver time so it was not all that late at night for me. The rush hour traffic was over so the interstate was not very busy and I made good time to my dad's place just past Bridgeville in a little place called Cowden. He had lived there all his live and I grew up there. It was a great place for a kid and I loved it.

I was coming home to visit my dad who was not doing so well according to Mary, his friend and next door neighbor. I had enlisted Mary's help in watching out for Dad since she was right next door and had been good friends with my mother. She wanted me there to convince him to take himself into the hospital. He had cancer and was not expected to live more than another six months but he refused to go easily. Now he wouldn't take the morphine his doctor prescribed for the pain and he refused to go into the hospital where they could monitor the progress of his cancer. Mary tried to be his nurse but he was a lousy patient for her or anyone else. I didn't know what I could do but I was going to try.

While I made the trip back to Pittsburgh several times a year, it was usually a quick visit with the Manager of Research for coatings, and with my boss, Ryan Erinson. I stopped in to see my dad and spent some time with him but I stayed in the city if I had to be there overnight. It was easier and more convenient for me. This trip was different and personal so I was staying with dad at his place. He had continued to keep my old room available for me.

I left Pittsburgh over five years ago to take the job in Denver. At the time, I was in the process of divorcing my second wife Billy, after just four years of marriage. She and my best friend Mark Fletcher had been having a long term affair and during the period afterward, I realized that Billy was never going to be faithful. It was her second marriage as well and it was clear to me that she wanted more than I or any man could give. At least that was the conclusion I came to after giving her everything she asked for. It wasn't enough. And since both of my marriages ended in disaster, I had pretty much given up on any permanent attachments with those of the opposite sex.

For some background, my name is Arthur Davidson. I am 52 years old and currently Managing Director of True Wire Inc. and VP of Coatings for a fairly large company based in Pittsburgh, Pa. that makes and markets all types of wire. My division is based in Denver, Colorado and is the one that handles all of the coated wiring even though most of the research personnel are still in Pittsburgh. We do all types: insulated, stranded, twisted and solid conductors. The type of coating depends on the use of the wires. I had been in this position for about five years now and our division had grown by over 37% with the introduction of several new and unique products. I had several patents and I was very secure in my job. As a matter of fact, I was due for a promotion that could mean moving back to the Pittsburgh area.

I've been married twice, the first time to a wonderful woman who gave me fifteen wonderful years and a beautiful daughter. We were deeply in love but she was killed by a drunk driver six years before. My daughter and I grieved and felt the pain intensely but we both finally moved on. Penny, our daughter, moved to Germany with her husband and she's been there ever since. She loves it and has no desire to come back to the US. I visit with her to see my two grandkids but only about twice a year. 

I poured myself into my job and slowly reentered society where I began to meet new people. That's when I met Billy, my second wife. She and I were both trying to find our way when we met. She had also been married once before and she was divorced. She never told me the reasons behind the divorce and I never pressed her for details. The only strange thing was that I never met her children. She told me she had two but neither lived with her and she had no contact with them. I respected her wishes and never tried to find out what happened, but I had my suspicions. She and I were married in a civil ceremony without fanfare.

All of this had happened many years ago. I realized that it had been ten years ago that my life with Billy started. So long ago. As I drove the dark interstate south to my old home, I thought back to that time five years ago when I discovered Billy's affair.

*****

Billy and I had been married a little more than 4 years. As I said, it was the second marriage for both of us. We both had children from our first marriages but they were fully grown and on their own. My daughter Penny was married but lived now in Germany. My dad, Edward, lived nearby and we saw him fairly often. He liked Billy and she seemed to like him. I couldn't say the same for her parents, Violet and Ben Delong. What a pair. They thought no one was good enough for their daughter. I was a big mistake in their eyes.

Billy didn't work, preferring to stay home and spend her time with causes and crusades. She was currently working at a shelter for battered women and she seemed to be fully committed. This was her way with most things for a year or so. She would stay with it until she became bored. At the time, that was fine with me since I worked a lot of hours and it kept her occupied.

It was just a typical day for me. It was just after 2:00 in the afternoon when Paula came into my office. Paula was my secretary, my second mother, and my sergeant at arms. She had a funny look on her face as she shut the door behind her. She obviously had some juicy tidbit of gossip to spread and unfortunately I was her intended receiver.

"OK Paula, what's up? You look like you just found out there's a major conspiracy to take over the company. Give."

Paula pulled up one of the chairs in front of my desk and sat down, deliberately leaning over my desk to get as close to me as possible. This must really be big.

"Mr. Erinson wants you to meet him after work at Bennington's for dinner and drinks. Georgina told me that there will be two others there as well. She thinks they're both board members. Something's up and you're the star player. I know it."

Mr. Erinson was Ryan Erinson, President of General Winding and my boss's boss. Georgina was his secretary and Paula's inside source. I digested this little bit of information without any enlightenment. I knew of nothing that was on the horizon and no one had told me of any major changes coming up. I was at a loss.

"Well, I don't have a clue but I know nothing is happening that should concern me. Maybe there's some sort of problem with the coating division and he wants me to begin some sort of investigation. You know Ryan's always worried about something."

"Well, maybe, but I think it's something big. You just wait and see."

"We'll both wait. Would you please call Billy and let her know that I'll be late? I should be home about 11:00. We have no plans so it should be fine."

'I'll take care of it. And just remember: you let me know right away what's going on. Promise?"

I promised her and shooed her out of my office. I had no idea what was going on and nothing had come my way to offer any clues. Well, I would just wait. It would be explained to me at the meeting, of that I was sure.

I decided to finish the project report I was working on before closing down for the day. I considered calling Hugh Wilson, my direct boss first but it was getting toward time for me to leave for dinner. Bennington's was halfway across town and it would take me about 40 minutes to get there. I wish Ryan had picked someplace closer. I closed down the computer, locked my files and went into the washroom to freshen up for the meeting.

Paula had gone by the time I was ready to leave. She left a note saying she left a message for Billy since she didn't answer. That was fine. She would probably be home by the time I was due anyway and would get the message. I left for Bennington's.

I was shown into a private room at the restaurant to find Ryan there with two board members that I knew quite well. John Armitage and Harry Rollings were two of the original members and I liked both of them. We shook hands and we all sat down to dinner. Ryan had gone all out and it was quite good. Talk was loose and informal and Ryan indicated that we would not talk business until later. I understood and enjoyed.

When drinks were served, Ryan indicated that I take a seat across from him. John and Harry sat beside him. Ryan started.

"Stu, I need to tell you something that is confidential for now. I'm sure you know of a company called True Wire, Inc. You've dealt with them from time to time and I think you know the owner. Do you remember him?"

"Sure. That's Pete Higson. He and I go way back."

"Right. Well, here's the deal. We made an offer to buy True Wire and Pete's accepted. We've done all of the due diligence and our accountants have audited the books. The price is fair and we have agreed in principle. I want you to go out there and take our letter of intent and have Pete sign the deal. He's waiting for you and everything is set."

"Well sure, I'll be happy to go. It will be good to see Pete again and it will give me some time to visit and take stock. I assume that's the idea?"

"Yes and no. You won't be taking stock. You'll be looking at your new company. We are promoting you to Managing Director of True Wire and VP of Coatings. You are now a senior VP for General Windings. Congratulations Stuart!"

"Well, I'm totally shocked. But does Hugh know about this? Has be been told? I wouldn't like to start a new job with him as an enemy."

"Hugh recommended you once we told him of the acquisition. Actually, he is thinking of retiring and I probably won't replace him now that you're in this new position. You were in line for his job before but this one is even higher."

With that announcement, Ryan, John and Harry all got up to congratulate me and pat me on the back. It was one hell of a promotion and it would mean a whole new life for Billy and me. We would be moving to Denver and we could afford to go first class. Billy would be thrilled and I was looking forward to telling her the good news.

"One thing to deal with yet and that is your replacement. I'm assuming you would recommend Mark Fletcher to replace you? You have had nothing but good things to say about him. If you still feel that way, he'll take over when Hugh retires."

"Mark is a great choice. He can do the job and can get up to speed in short order. He'll do a super job. Can I tell him everything?"

"Yes. We have cleared it with Hugh so you can, but let him know not to mention it. Not for another two weeks. The deal will be final then and we can make the announcement."

He laughed before saying, "You can tell Paula of course since she'll find out from Georgina anyway."

We had a couple of drinks and Ryan told me that reservations for a flight out tonight were already made. It was just past 7:30 so I had about three hours to get home, get packed and to the airport for the flight. I decided to leave right away to give me time to tell Billy. I said my thanks and good byes and headed home.

As I drove home, I thought about the changes that this would make in our lives. I knew that Billy would be happy. She hated Pittsburgh and wanted to move somewhere else with better weather and more of a social climate suited to her tastes. She was alright with her social clubs and friends but she wasn't all that happy with some of their more liberal swings. We had discussed it to the point of thinking about a job change. This would accomplish all of that and more. I was thinking of a way to announce the new job and the new location with some sort of a flourish. I didn't call her since I had made up my mind that I was just going to blurt it out as soon as I came in the door.

I called Paula on my cell and left her a voice mail telling her that I would be out of town tomorrow and would call in and let her know where I was. I told her to make sure Mark had the proposal for the new coating lines on Ryan's desk first thing in the morning. I finally told her that she was right when she told me that things were happening and that she could talk to Georgina. She could fill in some of the blanks until I could talk more to her. I hung up and I turned into my driveway. I saw Mark's car there but that was not unusual. We were best friends as well as boss and co-worker.

I burst into the kitchen from the garage and was surprised to find the house apparently empty. I moved quickly through the downstairs rooms without finding either Billy or Mark. I thought maybe they had gone out with Patty and Fred from down the street. Well, I was disappointed not to be able to share it with her now but I could call her from the airport. 

Without any more thought, I bounded up the stairs two at a time to our bedroom. I slid into the room in time to see Mark pumping away on a willing and vocal Billy. The doorway was to the side of the bed so my view was perfect. I could see Billy lying on her back with her arms around mark's neck. Mark was between her legs and he was supporting himself on his arms as he fucked her. Mark's hairy ass was pumping up and down and I could see Billy's legs wrapped tightly around his waist pulling him in as tight as she could. It was good timing as I heard Mark yell.

"Oh my God, I'm cuming! I'm cuming!"

Billy was grunting and making noises like I had never heard and she was also just about ready to let go. She let out one shrill scream and told Mark to let it go.

"Cum in me, cum in me, let me have it, do it! Oh, oh, oh my God!"

All I could do at that point was to turn around and slam the door shut behind me. I had seen all I wanted to see. I turned around and walked back downstairs to the living room. I sank down in one of the chairs and waited. I was stunned and my mind simply refused to function very well. My wife and my best friend in bed together. I couldn't seem to make sense of it. As I struggled with the sight I had just witnessed, my anger began to burn hot and bright in my chest. I let it grow since the heat of it was better than the cold of betrayal. That's where I was sitting when Mark came down the stairs. He saw me and came into the room. He stopped in front of me.

"God Stu, I'm so sorry you saw that. I have no excuse for it except to say that I have always loved Billy as you know. We never expected you to come home so early and things just got out of control. We never wanted to hurt you. You have to know that. It will never happen again. You have my word." 

The words seemed to just wash over me without registering. It made no difference what he said. I knew what had happened and that was all I could deal with. But the heat from my anger was burning to be let out and I gave vent to it in words. I gritted my teeth and held on to my temper as I looked into the face of the man I now hated.

"I want you to leave my house now. I never want to see you again outside the office. I have to deal with you there as you will soon understand, but I never want to see or talk to you outside again. We are no longer friends; we don't know each other socially. I have no wish to hear your story or your apologies. Do you understand?"

"Please Stu. Let's talk about this. You don't mean what you're saying. You can't mean that. We've been friends for ten years. You can't mean we're over. Come on!"

"I won't ask you again to leave my house. I repeat: I don't want to see you again outside work. I don't ever want you to come to my house and if I ever see you near my wife again, I'll kill you. Please don't test me. Now, get the fuck out of my house!"

With that, I rose and moved toward him. I am a very big man: 215, 6' 2, and I pride myself on my appearance. I work out three times a week and I can press my weight without breaking a sweat. Mark on the other hand is shorter than I, weights about 30 pounds less and never had the ambition to improve himself physically. He concentrates on his slick appeal to women. He is a good looking jerk.

Mark took the hint and almost ran to the front door. He tried to say some more but I pushed him out the door and than shut and locked it behind him. I turned my back to the door and leaned against it trying to get control of my anger. I had done fine till now, but I looked up and saw Billy standing on the stairs watching me. She had put on a robe to cover her nakedness. As I saw her standing there, my anger began to burn even hotter. I felt the heat in my face and chest and I was suddenly afraid of what I could do. I shuddered and shook my head to try to clear the fury. After a couple of deep breaths and some very serious talking to myself, I began to feel some control returning.

I walked away from the door and went into the kitchen. I took a beer from the refrigerator and sat down at the table. I was concentrating on my breathing when she walked in. I didn't look up and I didn't acknowledge her in any way. I couldn't without losing my control. I took several deep breaths and a swig of beer. It seemed to help.

"Will you let me tell you what happened?"

"No. I have to pack a bag. I'm leaving tonight for Denver. I have to catch a plane and I don't have much time. Maybe we can talk when I get back."

"Why are you going to Denver now? We can't just let this go. You have to listen to me and we have to talk this out. You can't let it go."

"Yes, I can and I will. What you did is pretty clear. I saw it with my own eyes. Why you did it is not so clear. And why you did it with Mark is totally unclear. But none of that is important right now. I have to get ready."

With that, I threw the beer bottle against the kitchen wall where it shattered into a thousand satisfying pieces. As she cowered away from me I just looked at her.

"For your information, I told Mark that he is never to set foot in this house again. That's my decision and you have nothing to say about it. I told him, and now I'll tell you. If I ever see him here again, I'll kill him. Do you understand?"

Without waiting for her answer, I got up and walked upstairs to our bedroom to pack. I needed enough for three or four days and that was easy. I had done this a million times and I did it now by instinct. As I was closing the overnight, Billy walked into the bedroom and sat down on the bed watching me. I ignored her, picked up the overnight and my suit carrier and walked out of the room without a word. I carried them downstairs and out to the car.

When I came back into the kitchen, Billy was not there. I felt a sense of relief as I filled my travel mug with coffee. I looked around the kitchen, maybe for the last time and went out to the car, shutting and locking the door behind me. I drove away toward the airport without looking back.

I caught my flight on America West and arrived in Denver on time. I saw the waiting shuttle driver with a sign with my name and he took me to the hotel Paula reserved for me. I was not looking forward to a free night and wished that we could get right to it, but this late I didn't expect anything to happen. I checked in, went up to the room and lay down. I slept poorly that night.

The next morning after a mostly sleepless night, I went down to meet Pete for breakfast. He was the same cheerful guy I had met and worked with for the last few years. I liked him the first time I met him and we had become good friends. Mostly long distance but friends nevertheless. We talked over coffee and eggs and finally left to go to the plant. We met with several of the executives and we took care of business in just under three hours. That left a lot of time for me to just wander around with Pete, looking over the operations and reacquainting myself with his, or I should say my operations. We had an enjoyable afternoon and finished up early.




Billy Ch. 01



Pete asked me if I was in a hurry to get back and I told him no, but without any explanation. He invited me to have dinner with him and his wife and I accepted. I spent a very pleasant evening with them and didn't leave until very late. Pete took me back to the hotel after telling me that it was his recommendation that got me the job. He told me he had known Ryan for years and that Ryan asked for his recommendation. He wasn't aware of the VP offer though but was thrilled for me just the same. I was very grateful and told him so. We parted as usual, friends and professionals.

I went up to my room to find the phone message light blinking. I wondered who it could be since no one knew where I was except for Ryan and Paula. I got the message and it was Paula. There were several items on her list.

"Stu, it's Paula. A few things. First, Mark is up to speed on the proposals and he can make the presentation tomorrow. Second, he wanted to talk to you but I told him that I didn't have your number. Actually, I did. I got it from Georgina but since you hadn't called me, I wasn't sure you wanted him to have it. And finally, Billy called at least 5 times today wanting to talk to you. Now Stu, what's going on? Do I give her your number or not? And what about Mark? Call me, first thing tomorrow."

That was Paula. She was always looking out for me, even with my wife and my second in command. If I didn't give them the number, she wouldn't either, regardless of what they said. She was something and I was going to make sure she remained with me if she would relocate. I knew she was widowed so maybe. I somehow felt better after her message and I thought maybe I could sleep tonight. At least, I could try.

The next morning, I called Paula just after 8:00 her time. I knew she would be at her desk and she answered on the first ring.

"Hi Paula, it's me. Thanks for the message last night and thanks for not giving out the number."

"Stu, what's going on? Billy has called twice already and she is really beside herself. She's angry at me for not giving her your number and she was crying during the last two call. I don't like being in the middle of something I don't know about."

"I'm sorry Paula. It's personal and I didn't mean to get you involved. I'll talk to you when I get back but for now, no one gets this number. OK? That's an order so you can tell them it isn't your fault."

"I don't give a hoot about that, I just wanted to be sure you were OK. And by the way, congratulations on your promotion and your new assignment. Way to go!"

"Thanks. And by the way, how do you feel about moving to Denver? Would you?"

"Maybe I would. We'll talk when you get back. By the way, do you want to talk to Mark? He asked me to let him know when you called."

"No, I don't want to talk with him and don't give him this number either. He'll understand if you tell him I said that. Only Ryan. I'll be back in the office Monday. I need a few days away without anything to worry about. Can you handle the office for the next two days?"

"Take all the time you need. I'll deal. Call me tomorrow or Friday. OK?"

I agreed and hung up. I had decided on the spur of the moment to take the rest of the week off. I wanted to spend the time looking around Denver and this was as good a time as any. Ryan wouldn't care and I didn't want to face Billy or Mark right now. Let them enjoy each other while I was gone. They deserved each other.

I spent the next several days just looking around. I found a really neat little apartment downtown and close to the plant with a nice view of the mountains. I put a retainer on it and made arrangements to move in at the end of the month, just a couple of weeks from now. It was just right for one. I also found a couple of nice restaurants and one particularly nice bar. I was very relaxed by Saturday evening. I thought it was time for a phone call.

At about 7:30, I called home, or what used to be my home. I didn't think it was going to be that much longer. Billy must have been waiting since she answered on the first ring.

"Hello? Stuart, is that you? Stuart?"


"Hi Billy, yeah it's me. Paula said you called. Did you want something?"

"Stuart, where are you? Why did you leave like that and why haven't you called to let me know where you were? It's been days and I've been going crazy!"

"Didn't seem to bother you Tuesday evening. I wasn't home then either but you weren't expecting me were you? I guess that was the problem. I didn't keep to the schedule so it was my fault that you got caught."

"Stuart, please. It's not what you think. I was angry and Mark was there and it just happened. It was nothing. Honest! Please come home and let me talk to you and explain what happened. Mark doesn't mean anything to me. Please Stuart, come home."

"Billy, if you think that this is the way to get me to come home, you are sadly mistaken. You and Mark made me into a fool, but he at least had the courage to tell me the truth. You seem to want to continue to lie to me and treat me with a total lack of respect. Well, I won't accept that so I guess we have nothing left to talk about. When I come home, I'll arrange to have my things moved out of the house so you can stay there and do whatever you want to do. I don't care anymore."

"Stuart, no! You can't mean that. I'm not lying to you. I don't know what Mark told you but it's not true. It's not. Come home: let me prove it to you. I love you Stuart, not Mark. Never Mark! Just you!"

"Goodnight Billy. If you're interested in being honest with me, I'll be home Sunday night."

I hung up feeling satisfied with my performance. I had kept my cool, I hadn't yelled or lost my temper and I had hung up without giving her any more chances to lie to me. It hurt to know that she was going to continue to lie rather than be honest and try to find a way to work it out. Maybe she didn't want to work it out. I took a nice long shower, climbed into bed and was asleep before my head hit the pillow. I needed the sleep.

The trip home was uneventful and I got my car with only a minimum of delay. I drove home with mixed feelings. On one hand, I wanted a confrontation with Billy, if only to allow my anger to find an outlet. On the other hand, I wanted to play the cool customer and let her wring her hands and cry bitter tears begging me to take her back. I was all mixed up and the time away hadn't given me any answers. I needed to face reality in order to move forward.

I pulled into the garage next to Billy's little two-seater. The sight of it brought a surge of anger. It was something she just had to have and she hardly ever drove it now. I guess she had no reason to go out if she was fucking my best friend here at home. I got out, grabbed my luggage and went in.

She was waiting for me, sitting in the kitchen so she was the first thing I was. She had on a soft pastel blouse that fit her like a second skin and a skirt that was probably way too short. It was an outfit that I used to like her to wear when we were alone and in the mood. I wasn't in the mood now and I thought it a very poor choice. I just looked at her and turned away to put my overnight in the laundry room. I laid the suit carrier over the chair.

"Hello Billy. Ready for some action I see. Is Mark on the way over?"

She broke down in tears and ran out of the kitchen into the family room. For a minute I was ashamed of myself but then my memory of her and Mark kicked in. Rather than follow her into the other room, I walked over to see if there was any coffee. There was a fresh pot so I poured myself a cup and sat down to enjoy it. I added sugar and cream and sat back in comfort. Billy did know how to make good coffee.

While I waited, I glanced over at the phone on the kitchen wall. The call log light was blinking. It had a feature called 'call directory' that recorded the number of any incoming call that was answered. Fortunately, Billy never learned how to work it so it was full now. I pushed the c/d button and saw the last number calling was Mark's cell phone number. I scanned down to see what other numbers were recorded and found that she had answered at least seven calls from Mark, three from his office and four from his cell. I guess they were trying to get their stories straight.

I was enjoying my second cup when she came back in the kitchen wearing a sweat shirt and jeans. I thought this was more appropriate and just nodded my agreement.


"Can we talk now? Will you give me a chance to tell you what happened?"

"I don't want to hear your excuses. What I saw was very clear. You and Mark were in our bedroom, both of you in the middle of a great fuck, yelling so loud with your passion that you didn't even hear your own husband coming up the stairs. I believe you were both just about in the middle of a climax. If you hadn't been fucking him, you might have heard the car pulling in and me yelling. Now, tell me where I'm wrong."

"We just made a mistake and it was the first time for us. You have to believe that. I love you and only you. Mark is a friend but I don't care about him that way. I'm sorry it got out of hand but it doesn't mean anything. It will never happen again. Please Stu. You know I love you."

"I don't believe you. I don't believe this was the first time. I don't believe that you haven't fucked him before and if I hadn't come home, you probably would have continued for several more hours until I was scheduled to come home. I don't believe you love me or you wouldn't have been able to do this to me. You have torn my heart out and tossed it away like garbage. I don't trust you anymore and I don't know if I can ever trust you again."

"Stu, please. I haven't talked to Mark since you left. He means nothing to me, you know that. He's your friend and I never really cared for him. You know that to be true."

"I know that you and Mark have talked several times since I've been gone. Was that to get your story straight or were you making arrangements to get together again? If what you say is true, how can you fuck someone you don't even care for? What the hell kind of woman are you?"

Billy was now crying and shaking her head back and fourth. She was trying to deny the things I was saying but there was little she could say. The trust was gone, the love may still be there but it was struggling to survive the betrayal and the pain. The dark anger that I had the night I found them together was fading, replaced by a hollow, empty feeling. I was trying to find another emotion to keep me going but I couldn't. Pain and emptiness were my constant companions now.

"I'm going to put my things in the spare room. I'll sleep there for the time being until I decide what I want to do. I'll leave the master bedroom to you, cause I sure as hell will never sleep in that bed again. I'll get my stuff and leave you to it. Maybe your memories of your lover will keep you warm at night."

"You aren't even going to let me explain are you? You've made up your mind that I've been cheating on you with Mark and you're going to punish me aren't you?"

"I'm not punishing you. I came home with the intent of letting you tell me the truth and then try to decide if we could work this out. Instead of being honest, you tried to seduce me when I walked in the door and then you lied to me at least twice since we started to talk. You're the one doing the punishing. You really socked it to me. I'll give you credit. I don't know of any way you could have hurt me more than you did. Congratulations!"

I heard the sobs as I walked down the hall to the spare room. I shut the door on the crying, lying bitch and sat down on my bed. Tomorrow was a very important day for me. I had to begin to put things in order and I had to face Mark. I was not changing my recommendation of him as my replacement. Since I was going to be running the division, I needed people who knew their jobs. Mark was one who did. He and I would interact professionally but no other way. We were through as friends. Someday the chance to pay him back for his betrayal would come and I was a patient man.

I waited until I heard the door to our bedroom shut and then I walked down to the spare bathroom and washed up. I put my toiletries on the sink and went back to the bedroom. I shut and locked the door. I needed time to think. I didn't want to be distracted by Billy or by anything else. I knew what I was going to do.

I left the house quietly at about 5:30 that afternoon to go out to get a bite to eat. While I waited, I called my dad at home. I asked him if he could meet me for dinner and he agreed. I wanted to talk to him to get some sort of perspective. I wasn't thinking clearly so I needed help. Dad was always straight with me and wouldn't sugarcoat anything. That's what I needed now.

Dad and I had a good meal and we talked. He was great and took everything I said seriously and never once tried to patronize me. We talked for about an hour and then went back to his place and we spent the rest of the evening talking and drinking beer and just being comfortable with each other. I hadn't spent enough time with him since mom died. I regretted that but vowed to make amends. 

It was clear to me that dad preferred that I try to make things work with Billy. He was very fond of her and was quick to forgive her transgressions. I argued with him but he was adamant. He blamed me in part for working too hard and giving her too much and spoiling her. He likened her to a spoiled child who was really a good person. I listened but couldn't quite accept his opinions.

I told him about Denver and he was excited for me. I suggested that he consider moving but he told me he had friends here and didn't want to leave them. We both promised to get together more often and we both pretended to believe it. He wasn't sure about the apartment though and told me so. He said it was like closing the door and having no intention of opening it again. I told him it was something that could change if need be. But in the back of my mind, I doubted it.

I went home just after 11:30 to a quiet house. I didn't know if Billy had stayed in her room or if she had finally gone to bed. I went up to my room and closed and locked the door. I lay down on the bed and passed out from exhaustion and depression. I slept the night.

Monday morning I was up and dressed and ready for work by 7:15. When I went downstairs I found coffee and toast waiting and Billy dressed and sitting at the table. I picked up the coffee and got a quick fix of caffeine but didn't touch the toast. I said nothing to Billy and she seemed inclined to let it go. I grabbed my briefcase from the hall and left without a word.

At work, I called Paula in and told her to close and lock the door. She sat down waiting for an explanation. Even thought she already knew about it, I told her first about the promotion and suffered through her congratulations and 'I told you so's'. I then told her that I would be heading up the division from Denver and asked her again if she had considered moving. She shrugged her shoulders but gave me no answer yet. I finally told her about Billy and Mark. She was angry at first, especially at Billy, but then she calmed down and wanted to know how I was going to deal with Mark. I told her that nothing was going to change except that we were no longer friends and he no longer had unrestricted access to me. He would go through her like everyone else. She would decide whether what he had to say was important or not. When I asked her if that was OK, she just smiled and said to let her handle it.

We talked some more, making arrangements and I did tell her that this was not common knowledge and to keep it to herself. Mark didn't know about the change yet but I would deal with him myself. I also told her I would accept no calls from Billy during working hours. Other than that, it was business as usual for the next two weeks. I dictated a couple of memos to her that had to go out and we were finished. She left the office and shut the door.

I worked intently and solidly for the next 3 or 4 hours and fielded a couple of phone calls from Pete Higson and Ryan. Pete and I worked out some arrangements and things seemed to be going perfectly. Ryan called once to congratulate me on the closure and see how things were going. I assured him and went back to work. I asked Paula to have some lunch sent in from the cafeteria and worked straight through.

It was just after 1:30 when Paula buzzed to tell me Mark was here and that I should probably talk to him. I told her to send him in but to leave the door open. She chuckled and showed him in.

Mark came in and shut the door, intended to have a conversation with me about his affair with my wife. I was not about to have it but before I could say or do anything Paula opened the door and glared at Mark.

"Leave the door open please. Mr. Davidson prefers it that way."

Mark looked back at her angrily and asked me.

"Do you want the door open Stu?"

"As a matter of fact, yes I do. Is that a problem?"

"Not for me but I thought maybe you might want to talk to me privately."

I looked at him standing there, waiting for me to agree to discuss his affair with Billy. I was in no mood to discuss it with him now and without bothering to wave him to a chair, I left him standing as I delivered my instructions.

"No, I don't want to talk to you about anything that is not business. I do want to go over some things with you since you are here. I want to let you know that you will be taking over most of the day to day affairs of the office beginning this week. You will be taking over for me immediately and then Hugh's position soon and will have full authority to make decisions about projects and priorities. You will continue to report to me just as you do now, but I will not be here in Pittsburgh much longer. None of this is for public knowledge. Do you understand?"

Mark was looking at me like I had lost my mind. He had no idea of what I was doing or how to respond. He was shaking his head back and forth as if in denial.

"No, I don't understand. Where are you and Hugh going and why would you give this responsibility to me?"

"Is there someone else who could do my job as well as you? Don't you think you can handle it? If not, say so. Otherwise just pay attention and do your job. Can you do that, al least?"

Mark looked stunned as if I had slapped him. But to his credit, he straightened his shoulders and replied.

"I can handle it. I'm sorry for interrupting. Go ahead."

"Thank you. I'm transferring to Denver. The company has made an acquisition there and I will be heading that operation as well as the Research function here. Hugh is going to retire very soon leaving his position and mine open. Ryan is choosing to combine them into one, reporting to me. That will be you. We have just two weeks to make the move. Is that clear?" 

Mark nodded, accepting the news but not yet comfortable with it. But he was a professional, so with that, we went over the current projects, the department priorities and some of the more important personnel issues. We spent at least the next two hours going over those things, not much different from our normal routine but this time there were several differences and Mark understood.

When we were done, I told Mark to begin as acting department head immediately. I would not be making any formal announcement until later. Any problems with personnel, he was to have them see me. He rose to leave and then stopped.

"Stu, when can we talk? I am so damned sorry for what I did to you and I want a chance to explain it to you. Could we have a drink after work?"

"I told you I never wanted to see you outside of work ever again. Nothing has changed. If you have anything to say, say it now. Otherwise get out of my office."

Mark just stared at me with his face flushed and his eyes showing anger. He hesitated until I stood up, then he quickly turned and left.




Billy Ch. 01



It was past 6:30 and the office was almost empty when Mark walked back into my office. He stopped to speak to Paula and she just nodded and waved him in. He came in and sat down in front of my desk. He watched me for a second before speaking. 

"Billy and I have been together three times. The first time was two years ago when you took the trip to Puerto Rico. You had been gone for almost three weeks when it happened. She was lonely and we had dinner just as friends. We shared a bottle of wine and things got out of hand. We ended up in bed. It happened and we both regretted it. I didn't stay and left immediately afterward. We hardly spoke to each other for the next month or so. I don't think you noticed."

He watched my face for my reaction but I gave him no satisfaction. I simply looked back and waited.

"The second time was a year later when you went to Europe for that conference. You left and Billy was angry with you for some reason. We got together and went out to a party with some friends of mine. Billy got drunk and I took advantage of her. She was furious with me for weeks afterwards but she finally forgave me. I was at fault, but she never told you.

"The last time was the night you found us. Billy and I had been talking and she was feeling bad about something you said to her. She didn't tell me what it was and I didn't really care. I just knew she needed me and I was more than willing. You know how I feel about her. I can't help it. I am so damned sorry for what you saw. We never heard you come in and you saw everything. We never expected you to be home that night and we let it get out of hand again just like before. I never thought about how it would hurt you. Now I know and it's killing me."

So now I knew. They had been doing this for almost three years and Billy never told me. She never let me know that there was a problem and she let it happen again. Three times! Being drunk or tipsy was no excuse. She and Mark were both to blame. I still had no idea what I was going to do. I was angry but it was important not to let Mark know.

"Thank you for telling me. Apparently you had no problem doing it again after the first time even though you 'regretted it so', I believe you said. You and my wife seemed to have no problem looking me in the face knowing what you had done behind my back. You had no problem taking advantage of her when she was, as you say, drunk. And you had no problem trying to fuck her because she was angry with me. Do I have all of that right?"

Mark had blanched at my direct accusations. He was now afraid for the first time. He had worked with me long enough to know when I was furious. He had seen my temper in action. I watched as he put his hands on the arms of the chair ready to bolt.

"Stu, I'm so damned sorry. Please believe me when I tell you this will never happen again. And I'll do my job as well as I can and live up to the expectations you have of me. I won't ever let you down again. In anything! You have my word on that. Please, forgive Billy. She wasn't the one to blame. I am. Blame me."

I watched this man who I had known for the past ten years, some good and some bad. We had been together for some great events and I would have trusted him with my life. Now, all I wanted was to smash his face in. I hated this man and vowed to myself that his life from now on would not be pleasant.

However, he was only partly to blame. It took two and Billy was a willing participant. I had seen Billy drunk and she was as much in control drunk as most people were sober. She did nothing she didn't want to do. The drinking was only an excuse. No, I had seen her expression and heard her words that day. Billy was willing!

"Just leave my office Mark. Apparently you don't have any problem screwing my wife and you apparently didn't understand me when I told you to stay away from Billy. Seems you had to call her at least seven times while I was gone. Was it not clear what I said? Don't you understand a threat when you hear one? Apparently I didn't mention phone calls. Well, now I have. Is that clear enough? Oh, and one last thing: do your fucking job and keep your fucking mouth shut, about the job, my move, and my wife! Is that clear enough? If I hear of one comment that you made or hear any rumors with your name attached, I'll fire you so fast it will make your head swim. Then I'll find your sorry ass and make you sorry you ever knew me."

He nodded, rose and left. I was simply drained. I just sat there until Paula stuck her head in the door to say goodnight. I smiled at her, gave her a thumbs up and watched her leave for the day. And what a day it had been. Well, now for the night. I really hesitated about going home but I knew that I had to do it. With a heavy heart I packed up my things and left.

The drive home was stressful. I had no idea what to do. I didn't want an argument but I also didn't want this to linger and fester in both our minds. I had to deal with things one way or another. I tried to come up with something concrete but as I pulled into our drive, I had nothing. I dropped the garage door and went to face my wife.

As I opened the door, I was hit with the smell of something wonderful cooking. I couldn't miss the smell of pot roast with potatoes and carrots and gravy. It was my favorite dinner of course and I was starving. I had just had a cardboard sandwich and a bag of nuts for lunch. I should have expected that Billy would try something like this. Last night it was the clothes and tonight my favorite meal. I recognized what she was doing and it did lighten my heart some. But the pain remained. 

She was in the kitchen as I entered, wearing an apron and a silly cap. She often did this when she was in a playful mood. I guess this was her way of trying to soften me up. Well the food might do it but it would change nothing. I looked at her as I put my briefcase away and removed my suit jacket. I hung it up in the hallway as usual and went past her to grab a cool beer from the fridge. She watched me carefully but didn't try to engage me in a conversation. I did move over to the stove to smell the pot roast and that gave her some consolation. At least I was interested in the food she was preparing.

I stayed in the den until she called me for dinner. Dinner was a strained affair with only routine talk. Talk about the bills, or the scheduled repairs, things like that. Nothing serious. She did mention that my dad had called and seemed to want to talk, but she told him she was very busy and maybe he could call later. She asked me if I knew what he wanted and I told her no. I ate a good meal and enjoyed the effort she put into it. I had my fill and complimented her on everything. She smiled in appreciation and began to clear the table. 

Afterward, I went into the family room with my coffee. I often helped her with the dishes since she preferred to hand wash them rather than use the dishwasher. I usually dried but tonight I didn't offer and she didn't ask. I sat there in silence not even turning on the TV and again tried to come up with some course of action. I still had no clue what to do.

"Why aren't you watching the news? Do you want me to turn it on for you? I haven't listened to it all day so I may have missed something important."

Billy took the remote and turned it on but kept the volume down. She seemed nervous and fidgety which was probably understandable. She finally sat down on the couch and put her knees together and clasped her arms around them, hugging herself. Defensive. She watched me with careful eyes and waited to see if I was going to start a conversation. When I didn't she decided to.

"Did you talk with Mark today? At work? Was it hard to do or did you just avoid him?"

I looked at her and decided that I would let her do most of the talking. I would answer and encourage her to talk just to see if she was ready to be honest with me.

"Yes, I talked to him. I promoted him to Division Head, reporting directly to me. He'll have full control of day to day operations and will be doing essentially what Hugh and I are doing now. And no, it wasn't hard, it was business."

"You promoted him? I don't understand. Why would you promote him now after what we. . . . Doing your job? If he's doing your job what does that mean for you? Stuart, what did you do?"

I didn't answer, thinking of how to tell her about the promotion. I was about to say more when she began again.

"You didn't do anything foolish did you? You love your job! Oh, Stu please tell me you didn't quit!"

"I didn't quit. I'll tell you later what that was about. But that's not what you wanted to know is it?"

"Did you talk about us? About him and me? Did he tell you anything?" 

"I didn't ask him but yes, he spoke about you and him. I guess he had to brag to me. But you probably know exactly what he told me since the two of you spoke at least seven times while I was gone. You really need to learn how to erase the phone caller log Billy. It makes lying to me a lot easier."

"We didn't talk! I answered but hung up as soon as I knew it was him. I kept hoping it was you on the phone. I swear to you I never talked to him again after that night."

"Really? Well suppose you tell me how long this affair with Mark has been going on. You told me the other night that this was the first time. Mark doesn't agree. So why don't you tell me about it. Tell me the truth."

I saw her eyes go wide so I did believe that she and Mark hadn't talked. Maybe she wasn't as smart as I thought she was. But then most cheaters aren't smart, just dishonest. They know how to lie but not how to tell the truth. Maybe she and Mark hadn't gotten together to get their lies straight. That would have been the smart thing to do.

"Do you really need to know? Isn't it enough that it's over and I never want to see him again? Can't we just leave it at that?"

"Afraid to tell me the truth? I was hoping that you could start being honest with me so I could try to find some way to learn to trust you again but it looks like that isn't going to happen. I guess lying has become a way of life to you with your affair. Maybe this isn't the first or the only affair."

"No Stuart, you can't believe that! You can't! There was no 'affair' with Mark and there haven't been any other affairs either. None! There hasn't been anyone other than Mark! I'll tell you the truth. I'm just so ashamed to tell you but I will. I have to."

She was twisting her hands together, as sure sign she was nervous. She always did that when she was nervous or afraid. I just waited, watching her.

"Mark and I have been with each other three times if you count last Tuesday. That's all. Just those two, no, three times. I was drinking the first two times but that wasn't the reason. I was lonely for you and I was missing you and Mark was just being a friend and having dinner with me. But, we just let things go too far and afterwards, we were both angry at ourselves and I always felt guilty. I was sick to my stomach both times. I don't know about Mark since he never stayed afterwards. I think that was why it was over a year between the first two times. This time was almost a year too, I think."

Well I have to admit I was surprised. She had told me the truth, matching the story Mark told me. I guess I believed it because she had more detail about before and after and didn't blame the drinking like Mark did. I couldn't be sure they hadn't cooked up this tale but I did believe her. It was still three times too many but it was out in the open now.

"Last Tuesday was just me being mad at you for your comments about my meetings. I know you wanted me to go with you on your next trip but I had plans and you seemed to think my plans weren't important enough that I couldn't just break them. We argued and fought and you just walked away from me. I was angry and Mark came over to talk to you about something and I had the message from Paula saying you wouldn't be home till late and I just snapped. Dumb excuse but it's the only one I have."

"That's what I thought might be the reason. But if that's all it takes for you to cheat on me we really don't have much of a marriage. And you admit that you fucked Mark twice before this, both times when you were mad at me or just lonely. It seems that you don't need much of an excuse to jump in the sack with good old Mark. And he admits that he wouldn't turn you away if you were willing. So, it might be best to just let our marriage die a natural death, don't you think?"

Billy's reaction was swift and to the point. She got up, came over to me and knelt down in front of me. She took my hands in hers and looked directly at me.

"I will do anything that I can to save this marriage. I was foolish and stupid and that's what cost me my first marriage. I beg you: don't let it ruin this one too. Give me another chance. I did something that I am ashamed of but I don't want to lose you over this. Please, Stuart, don't talk like that. I love you more than I can tell you. You have to forgive me and give me another chance. I promise you, you won't regret it."

As she was pleading her case, it came to me like an epiphany! We had been married just over four years and it only took her two years before she cheated on me! In those next two years, she cheated on me two more times! That was ridiculous! This was almost more than I could take. I felt woozy and I began to sweat.

"You've cheated on me three times in the short time we've been married! You only wait two years before you start and then you do it two more times? What the hell kind of marriage is that? This isn't a marriage to you. It's simply an arrangement that allows you to fuck around on me when things don't go your way and then you come back home to all the goodies you wanted. Like that fucking car you never drive, the fucking clothes you never wear and the jewelry you just had to have. But then, if your lovers come here to see you, none of that matters."

Billy was jolted by my words. She looked like I had slapped her across the face. The blood drained from her face and she fell back onto her heels. She put both hands over her face and I could see the tears and hear the sobs coming from her. She finally got up and ran out of the room. I heard her as she climbed the stairs to our room and I heard the door shut. Then silence.

I had mixed feelings. I had said what I had to say and it hurt both of us more than I had thought possible. I saw the pain in her eyes before she walked away and I felt it in my heart tearing at my very being. What I said was true, all of it. What I assumed it meant was less clear but I had to look at the possibilities. If this was what our marriage meant to Billy, and I believed that it was, it was best to end it now. I couldn't live with a woman that had to cheat when she was unhappy. It was clear to me that I wasn't submissive enough for Billy. That's why she had to look elsewhere. I couldn't please her so she found someone who could. Like Mark.

As it thought about these things, I wondered if there had ever been any hope for us. Was I willing to fight for a marriage that appeared to be doomed from the start? Hadn't she done this once before in her first marriage to the point she wasn't allowed contact with her own children? Was she even truthful when she said she wanted to fight for our marriage? I believed that I was just a convenience for her, a meal ticket and a source of the good things in life without any serious obligations. But when I crossed her, she found a way to get even in her own mind. I couldn't be sure about anything anymore.

I went up to bed that night with nothing but questions swirling around in my head. I lay there thinking about what I should do. Should I begin divorce proceedings? Should I tell her about the change in my position at work and the move coming up? How would that help anything? Of course when we moved Mark would be out of the picture. He would be too far away for her to continue a casual fling. It would take some time before she met anyone else so she would probably be faithful for a while. But eventually I would make her mad or disappoint her or leave her behind one day and she would do it again. I had to assume that was true. I was still thinking when I fell asleep.

Tuesday morning was similar to Monday. Billy had breakfast of toast and coffee ready but said nothing to me as I got ready to leave. I had nothing to say to her so I simply filled my traveling cup and left. The drive to work was without stress this time and I was on time and ready for the transition.

I worked a full day with only one visit from Mark. It was strictly business and it took only five minutes. There were no phone calls from Billy so the day was pretty uneventful. I dealt with a few employee issues over Mark's sudden promotion but they went fairly well. Things were beginning to come together. Paula and I made a lot of arrangements for file transfers, setting up the new office and she and Pete's secretary talked a lot. We had lots to do but it all seemed under control.

I drove home that evening with the beginnings of a decision. I needed to find out from Billy just why she cheated on me. I had to know the reasons before I could do anything more. I thought we could begin with that question tonight. I was ready when I got home. I had made up my mind that anger and distrust were not going to run my life. Billy would do what she would do. I was not going to get into the surveillance game. I had no desire to spy on her to catch her in a transgression. It was now up to both of us how we would deal with the other.

This evening began as a repeat of the night before. We had a wonderful meal and Billy cleared the kitchen afterwards as I took my coffee into the family room. This time I did turn on the TV and actually watched the news. Nothing new. The politicians bickering with each other, blaming each other while getting nothing of any value accomplished. Politics as usual!

Billy came in and sat down just as before. This time however she seemed more relaxed. I guess the shoes had both dropped as far as she was concerned. She was now convinced that I would tell her what the next steps were. I decided to plunge ahead.

"Can I ask you some questions? I just would like to have some honest answers, but if you are going to lie and bullshit me like you did last night, maybe I should just forget it."

She didn't flinch this time and she seemed to expect my questions.

"I'll tell you anything you want to know. I have no reason to lie to you now since I know that you know what and when and where. So, ask me."

"Can you try to explain to me why you did it? I would like to know why you chose to fuck my best friend and cheat on me."

This time she did wince. I had never made a habit of using profanity around Billy or any other woman at any time and never at home. This was not what Billy expected and using it as I did made it even worse.

"I guess I deserve your disrespect. I'll try Stuart, but you may not like the reasons. I don't know what you think but I only did it with Mark because I knew him and I knew he was safe. He wouldn't try to blackmail me or hurt me, and I knew he would never tell you. The harder question is why. That one I can't answer. I didn't plan it, I didn't intend for it to happen. I wasn't trying to hurt you or get even with you or anything like that. I think the only reason I did it was because I was frustrated and I needed something to make me feel more in control. I wanted to know that I could do something without your approval or your help. Both times I did it was after you had made a decision about something without telling me or asking me. Remember the trip to Europe? I wanted to go and you told me that I would just be in the way. You said you had business and it wasn't a pleasure trip? And the trip to Puerto Rico. The same things. You wouldn't even discuss it with me when I suggested we go together. Then the last time was after an argument where you belittled my work."




Billy Ch. 01



As I listened, I began to see that this was more about Billy and her needs than anything else. I had known Billy over five years, four of those as husband and wife. I knew very well that she was a little selfish and very self centered. She believed the world revolved around her and she expected so much from everybody else. I had tried hard to make her more reasonable in her expectations but she got her back up when I wouldn't see things her way or do what she wanted. Normally she argued and complained but if I wasn't around to fight with, it seemed she went toward something else. In this case, it was Mark and cheating on me behind my back.

As we talked it became more and more clear to me that all Billy thought about was Billy. She had to take action if things didn't fall the way she wanted or if she didn't get her own way. I thought back to the car. She didn't want a car and she didn't like driving but one of the girls got on her about being driven everywhere so she had to have a car. Not just any car; the two seat sports car that we never drove. And the clothes. She bought far more than she could ever wear just so she would have something new when she thought it would be noticed. 

There were many other things like the trips. Both the trips she spoke of were quick trips with no time for anything else but business. I explained that but she refused to listen. She thought Europe, therefore shopping and sightseeing. I had to attend to business. Other things I turned a blind eye to because I could afford them and they seemed to make her happy. Now I understood that this was nothing more than an expression of her need to be in control. Mark was nothing more than a means to show her control over me when I didn't give her what she wanted.

We went to our separate beds that night, her feeling that things were slowly coming back to normal and me believing that I finally had enough information to make my decision. I slept well that night.

The next morning I left for work feeling better than I had for some time. I knew what I was going to do and today was the day for it. No more indecision, no more wondering, no more trying to decide. I had decided and now I just had to carry it out. I was going to divorce Billy and make the move to Denver by myself. I knew that she was not able to be faithful to me or to any man. She was too wrapped up in herself and her needs to ever have room for anyone else. I had known it all along but now I was forced to face it head on. Billy had no room for me in her life. She would not understand that but it was true nevertheless.

That day I called a lawyer that I knew quite well and filled him in on the details. I told him to begin the proceedings and to make the division of assets fair to Billy. I didn't want to hurt her any more than possible but I wanted it done. I wanted to complete all of the preliminaries before I left for Denver. I wanted that to be the start of a new life for me and hopefully for Billy. I asked him to call me when he was ready to file the paperwork. He gave me a tentative date of two days later and I made my plans to turn everything over to Mark by then. He was almost ready and would do whatever I wanted. Mark was actually quite competent in his job and that was the only reason I didn't fire his cheating ass. But, one day his time would come.

I told Billy my decision that evening and it was as unpleasant as I expected it to be. She was crying and trying desperately to make me change my mind but I tried to explain it to her as I saw it. To stay together was asking for more pain and anger. She couldn't accept it but it was true never the less. After two days of crying and screaming and pleading, the papers were filed and I had all of my clothes and necessities packed and ready to leave. I told her to have her parents come over to stay with her but she was still trying to save what was left of our marriage. She wasn't going to accept this until it was forced on her by the courts. Well, than so be it.

There was one unpleasant moment when her father and mother came to see me. Billy was not home and Violet and Ben Delong, Billy's parents knocked on my door. I let them in against my better judgment and invited them to sit in the family room. I sat down and asked them what they wanted. Ben began.

"We have to ask why you are being so unreasonable with our daughter. She's admitted she made a mistake and she's promised that it would never happen again. Why are you not able to accept her at her word? Why are you so determined to punish her?"

While this question was absurd on the face of it, I kept my cool and answered as calmly as I could.

"I'm not punishing her Ben, and she did not just make a mistake. What she did is just one of a number of actions she's taken when things didn't go her way. She is not able to accept anything that is not to her liking. I did something that she didn't care for and she punished me by sleeping with a man who was at the time my best friend. She did it not once, but three times, the third time I caught them together. But there are other things she's done that finally convinced me that Billy was never going to be able to be faithful to our marriage."

Violet decided to take a crack at me, a crack that showed her feelings for me.

"You are being very judgmental, especially when you have been anything but perfect yourself. Are you saying that you have never cheated on Billy? Never in your travels have you not spent a night with someone else? I think not!"

"You may think whatever you like about me. I will not discuss my failings with you except to say that I was always faithful to Billy. I would never have done that to her. I loved her too much to do that. I'm afraid she can't say the same about me."

Ben gave Violet a look that spoke volumes. I wondered how he tolerated that woman. 

"Is there no chance that you can reconsider your decision? I know that Billy sees the error of her ways and wants nothing more than to try to make amends. Will you not let her try?"

I looked in his eyes and I could tell that he was actually upset about this. Apparently he loved his daughter very much and the fact that she was hurting must have overcome his dislike for me. I could respect that at least.

"Ben, I'm very sorry. If I believed there was any chance for Billy and I, I would take it in a heartbeat. But there is no chance for us. Billy knows it deep down in her heart. She is what she is. I thought I could live with her as she was, but I was wrong."

Violet looked like she wanted to say more but Ben stopped her. They rose and I showed them to the door. As they left, Ben turned one last time and shook my hand. He knew, I believed then, that he understood his daughter and who she was.

I left that weekend for Denver and let my lawyer friend act on my behalf in the divorce. That was the last time I spoke with Billy or her parents until years later. I began my new job the following week and settled in my new apartment. 

I remember saying at one point during a phone call to Paula that this was the first day of the rest of my new life. (I was mistaken but I didn't know it then.) She just laughed and said that she was ready to move if I still wanted her. It was too lonely without me. I told her to make it quick and we hung up, her to make arrangements and me to begin my new life.



Billy Ch. 01



“He said, ‘I won’t hurt you if you don’t fight me.’ I didn’t say anything. He tried to kiss my mouth but I turned away, he put his mouth on my breast and I tried not to, but I pushed by breast against his face. He groaned and came into me slowly and pushed and it didn’t hardly hurt at all and I moved against him. He burrowed his face into my neck and his hands were all over me and I put my arms around his back and lifted my knees. I kept my eyes closed even though I was blindfolded, I didn’t want to admit to myself what I was doing. He was making love to me and I was responding. I didn’t want to but I was doing it, I couldn’t stop moving with him and pulling him to me. It didn’t last very long, not long enough and he fell upon me and I turned aside, tears running down my face and a trembling in my soul that frightened me.”

There was quiet in the dark room, even the breathing was subdued.

Billy asked quietly, “Is that all?”

Silence.

When she spoke again, the words were bitter and forced. “As soon as the last guy got off the bed, someone called me a Bitch and grabbed my arm and turned me over on my stomach. He slapped me really hard and yelled that I had scratched him, he kept hitting me, then…oh, God, Billy, he…he stuck it in by butt and it really hurt and I screamed and fought but he kept hitting me and pushing deeper inside me and then someone yelled about car lights outside and they all ran and I was left there crying and bleeding and hurting and destroyed and Maria came in and held me and cried with me and swore on her death that she would avenge me…and that’s it. That’s what happened, that’s the story of my short life; I’m ruined, I’m disgraced, I’m dirty, I’m used, I’m second hand, I’m no good to anyone, I would much rather die than live and you can’t help me, no one can help me, so why not just leave me alone and let me end it all, that’s what I want. Just leave me alone!”

Julie hugged herself and broke into deep sobbing, rocking back and forth. 

Billy didn’t speak as she slowly stopped crying and fell silent.

“I finally told someone.” she said quietly.

His voice was very low, “Yes, you did.”

“That’s all you have to say?” she asked.

He spoke without emotion, “Women have been raped before and worse; Maria might have saved your life. Julie, did you see a Doctor? You could be, ah, well, pregnant or got a disease.”

“I’m not pregnant. I had my period a couple days later, the doctor said I was okay. You’re disgusted with me now, I can hear it in your voice.”

“No, I’m not,” he said firmly. “What you hear in my voice is rage that I am trying to keep under control. I told you it would hurt me to hear what happened to you; it does, more than I can say. But it’s over with now. You are a lovely young woman, intelligent, attractive, a great future with college, a husband and a family, a whole lifetime ahead of you.”

“I’m a piece of shit, now,” cursed Julie. “Not only was I stupid enough to get gang raped, I enjoyed it! I liked it, that’s the worse thing of all.”

“What is the worst of all?” Asked Billy. “That you like sex?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” said an exasperated Julie. “I was raped, I don’t know if I like sex, I never did anything before.”

“You never did anything?” Asked Billy.

Julie hesitated and would have looked at his face to understand if she could see. “Mike and I have been going together since Junior High, we kissed, we necked and fooled around but we never went all the way. Sometimes he wanted to, sometimes I wanted to, but we never did. We kinda decided to wait until we were married. It’s old fashioned and dumb I guess, but we were planning a future. I mean, ah, well, we learned how to satisfy each other without actually doing anything and that would put it off until the next time.”

“What about now,” asked Billy. “What do you think about sex now?”

“With Mikey?” she asked.

Billy didn’t answer. Julie began to speak rapidly, running her thoughts and words together.

“I’m totally confused about what I thought I wanted about sex and what my body seems to, ah, want. When Mikey would touch me, it was slow and gentle and went on for a long time and I was just happy and relaxed. He would, well, move against my leg for a long time, real slow and then sigh and kiss me real nice.

“But now, I just don’t know. I don’t want him to ever know what happened to me. I’m afraid he won’t want me because I’m not a virgin, but I don’t know if I ever want to have sex again because now I know it is dirty and nasty and messy and it hurt and I didn’t want it, and then I did want it and that’s the terrible shame I feel inside. I can’t lie to myself; I know everything that happened even if no one else ever does. I wanted that thing inside me pushing harder and harder and harder, I wanted the kisses and the hands all over me, even if I didn’t choose who was doing it.

“That’s what I really can’t live with, Billy. Love and sex are things you choose to do, when you want to and with whom you want and I found out it isn’t that way. My body betrayed me and responded when I didn’t consent, I didn’t want it, I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t plan for it. But I loved it. I’m a bad person, a bad girl, a bad woman; I feel awful and terrible and I don’t see any way I can live with myself. Deep inside, I’m ashamed of the ‘me’, I never knew was there.”

Bill sat quietly for a few moments.

“You have a little red sports car?” He asked.

“My dad got it for me when I turned sixteen. How did you know?”

“Does anyone else drive it?” 

Julie sounded puzzled, “No, not really, it’s my car.”

“What if someone stole your car and drove it away and maybe scratched the paint or dinged a fender, how would you feel?”

“How would I feel? I would be really mad at the person who took my car,” answered Julie.

“Would you be mad at your car?” Asked Billy.

Julie laughed, “Mad at my car? Why would I be mad at my car” What did it do?”

Billy remained silent.

“I don’t understand. What are you saying?” She asked.

Billy paused and then began to speak slowly, “If I took your car and put the key in the ignition and it started for me, would you blame the car? If I put it in gear and pressed the accelerator and it moved, would you blame the car? If I pushed on the brake pedal or moved the turn signal, would you blame the car for doing what it was built to do?”

“Billy…?”

“Julie, if I were to hold you down and touch your breasts, what would happen? If I caressed your back and neck and your stomach, you would begin to breathe faster and your blood would begin to flow from your upper body to your midsection. If I were to massage your genital area and insert my finger into your vaginal opening, you will begin to lubricate or moisten that area for penetration.

“You may not choose to have any of those things happen, but they will. Even in rape, it prevents injury by making entry easier. It is our nature to reproduce, to make babies, to continue the species. It is an imperative we can neither resist nor deny.

“If you had not responded to the sexual intercourse that was forced upon you, then you might have real reason to be concerned. Don’t hate your body, Julie; it responded to the ultimate, innate force that is life itself.

“You were in the wrong place at the wrong time, a mistake, an error that can be corrected, but your body did what it was supposed to do. You did no wrong but to be innocent.”

Julie remained silent for a moment, “Billy, I understand about my body, but…I wanted it. I enjoyed it. It felt good. It shouldn’t have.”

Billy smiled in the darkness. “Julie, all that blood that flows to the erotic zones of your body, a lot of it comes from your head, your brain. The thinking part of your mind slows down and the emotional, feeling part, much older and deeper, takes over. When…”

Julie let a long audible sigh and a choked sob escape into the darkness. “Oh, God, Billy, it’s not really my fault? I’m not a bad person inside? I can get over this; do you really think so? Oh, please. Billy, tell me that’s what you said.”

He moved toward the sound of her voice and reached out for her as she moved forward. He cupped her back to him as she curled into a ball and nestled in his arms.

They lay quiet and unmoving until Billy once again began running his fingers through her hair.

“You like your hands in my hair,” she said softly.

“You have lovely, thick hair, yes, I love to touch it,” he said.

“Please tell me who you are.”

“I can’t”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Both.”

“After all those terrible things I told you about, what they did to me, you are touching me as if nothing had happened. Ah, Billy, do you think I am pretty?”

“I think you are beautiful, Julie, I have always thought you were beautiful.”

“Always? How long is that?”

“Since I first saw you.”

“And when was that?”

Billy didn’t answer her.

Julie Ann moved within his arms, feeling him against her as she backed into his body. The hand not caressing her hair rested lightly on her arm; placed there as a touch, a contact and nothing more.

She moved from her side to her back, taking his arm under her shoulders. She trailed her fingers down his other arm and took his hand in hers. They lay side by side, touching from shoulder to hip to thigh, hand in hand, eyes closed.

Julie began talking, letting the words tumble forth, “I’ve been thinking about sex every minute of every day since, ah, since it happened. It isn’t that I want to, but I can’t quit thinking about it. I hate it, but God, something inside me came alive, came into being and I can’t put it away. I have a million thoughts a minute about what happened and my life before and during and after; about school, about Mike and marriage and college, about babies and family and the future, but all through that, I’m thinking about what I felt that night.

“Even when I wanted to die, just stop being, the main reason I wanted to keep on living was to find out what it was all about. Why I hated it, why I fear it, why it is always on my mind, why it seems such a large part of just being alive. And I don’t know, I feel like I should seek and question and…I guess, well, maybe experiment, try to find out. God, Billy, what’s wrong with me? All those years Mike and I didn’t when we could have and now, ah, I don’t know. Why am I such a terrible girl inside when I wasn’t before, I really wasn’t?”

Billy sat up and pulled her hand until they were both sitting against a wall. “You’re not a bad girl inside, Julie, it’s just that a whole new dimension of your life has opened to you.” He put an arm around her shoulders and squeezed gently. “Julie, the girl, is now just part of Julie the woman. It’s time she started living again.”

“I don’t know where to start. I see everything and everyone differently now. I don’t know who I am, or who I want to be.” 

“Whatever and whoever you want to be, dear Julie. Some things won’t be easy and you may have some nightmares or bad moments, but you’ll make it. You will do just fine. I am very happy for you, I’m glad I was able to help.”

Julie’s voice was serious, “That sounded like a good-bye, do you want me to leave now?”

Billy hesitated at the tone of her voice. “Is there something else you would like to talk about? You don’t have to leave until you want to, Julie, I just want you to be happy again.”

Her voice was very quiet when she spoke again, “I’m scared here in the dark…I know you didn’t bring me here to hurt me…I just feel that, uh, well, like I can’t go home again. I’m afraid to let Mikey touch me, even if he wants to, I might scream and freak out if any one touches me. I might want to have sex with him and not be able to, I’m frightened of leaving here, I don’t know what to do.

“Billy…ah, I…you…you took my clothes off for a reason and ah, gee, well, you don’t have anything on either…you must have thought, ah…well, would you stand up and hold me and kiss me and maybe touch me a little just to see what happens? I really don’t know what I will do or what I will feel, but…I…”

Billy stood up and pulled her slowly and gently up with him, he held her at arms length away from him.

“Julie, I had to do something to try to help you. I tried everything I could think of to get someone or some institution to get through to you and nothing was working.

“I thought if I could get you alone with me, I could talk to you, but when I tried to see ahead, to imagine how you would react, I didn’t see anything good happening. I saw you embarrassed and angry, sullen and uncooperative.

“I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, I just kept thinking…and then I saw us talking in the dark, unknown to each other, not on a telephone, but in a place where there was no noise or sounds or other things to interrupt. There was no place I could think of so I built this room, quiet, dark, sound proof, nothing to disturb what I wanted to say to you.

“When I finished the room, I had to find a way to get you here. I left a message for your friend in the Library, the tiny little girl with dark hair and glasses, Molly. I talked to her about you and she was also very worried. After a while, she trusted me and agreed to help.

“I wanted you to be shocked to find yourself naked, I wanted you to feel vulnerable. In the total darkness, I hoped you would do what I thought you would; fight, resist, defend yourself. When you are angry, you are not a victim. Then I sat here, in this room, alone, in the dark and I tried to visualize the scene and my clothes were in the way. I thought I should feel as vulnerable as you would, a man without his pants on, well, maybe you can imagine…”

Julie giggled lightly, “You really thought this thing out, didn’t you?” She tightened her grip on his hands and pulled herself toward him.

Billy tightened his wrists and stopped her before they touched. He took his right hand and moved it to her wrist and slowly up her left arm to her shoulder and to her neck and through her hair to her face. He traced her features with his hand…”I love the way your hair comes to a point in the middle of your forehead and how far it comes forward on your temples above your eyes. The shape of your face, wide apart eyes, green with tiny specks of blue…”

Julie sounded amazed, “How do you know me so well, do I know you?”

“You’ve seen me, but you don’t know me.” He said as he moved his other hand and framed her face between his hands. “You are a lovely, beautiful young woman. I wish I could look into your eyes at this moment. Julie, you don’t need me, you need to go to your boyfriend, work it out with him or if not, find someone else your own age. It isn’t fair for me to…”

“Oh, God! You don’t want me!” She shuddered and dropped her hands and backed away from him crying. “You just said all those things to make me feel better. You don’t mean any of it! You don’t want to touch me because I am…”

Billy quickly stepped forward, reached out and found her and roughly pulled her against his chest. He ran his hands up and down her back and then grasped her hair and pulled her face up. He kissed the tears and a hundred other places on her face until she stopped shivering and crying.

He gently lifted her chin and brushed her lips with his and returned as she moistened her lips. When their lips met, he nudged hers apart gently and drew air from her mouth then breathed into her as she opened her mouth and drew his breath inside. As he kissed her, Billy moved his hands down her arms then up again across her shoulders, down her back and to her waist, drawing her to him. Julie leaned forward, her breasts touching his chest; she moved a foot forward and felt his thigh on hers, moved again and gasped. “Oh!”

Billy relaxed his hands on her back.

Julie slid her hands down his arms and took a step back.

“I need to catch my breath!” She said, “Don’t think I’ve ever been kissed quite like that.”

Bill took her hands in his and squeezed gently, “I think it’s your move.”

“Oh, Uh, Okay…” she stammered.

They stood together hand in hand until Julie sank to her knees and pulled Billy down with her. “Just hold me for a while and let me, ah, well, just put your arms around me. Okay?”

Unfamiliar, they came awkwardly together on the padded floor. He put his arm under her shoulders and they were face-to-face, side-by side. He pressed her closed knees with his right leg and gently pushed between her legs, his hand moved up her thigh, along her spine to the back of her neck and they held each other as she put her arm around him. They lay together, touching and breathing and feeling and quiet.

“How can you stay so calm? Mikey would be all over me.” She said with a smile in her voice.

“It’s not easy,” said Billy, taking a deep breath, “But this is for you, not for me.”

“But you really do want to make love to me, not just because it’s for me. I mean…”

“Oh, yes, Julie, I want to make love to you, very much…”

She silenced him with a finger on his lips. “I want you too, Billy, I want you to love me.”

He slowly moved his thigh up between her legs until he felt her softness. She moved her leg away, then up and over his leg as he pushed with his thigh. She moved her hips and pushed back against him and pulled him toward her with her arm and let a small sound come from her throat. He rose up above her on one knee and put more pressure on the softness between her thighs, she moaned and raised her hands to his arms on each side of her. 

He leaned down, kissing her lightly on the face and running his right hand over her breasts and across her heaving stomach. He slowly lowered himself on her with one leg between her thighs, she moved against him, putting her arms around his back. Billy put his mouth to her neck and lifted his left leg as she opened her legs to him. As he moved between her legs and brought his hands forward along her body, she tensed and turned her head aside. 

“I can’t! I Can’t! I can’t do it!” She cried out.

Billy froze and started to move off of her.

“No! No, don’t go away, please, just…” She pulled him down on top of her again, his hardness pressed against her stomach, “I’m sorry…they had something over my eyes and I couldn’t see and I knew you were about to put it into me and they were going to put it into me again and I was back there and I…I’m sorry, Billy.”

He tried to roll off of her but she held him firmly and she was crying as he rolled over so that she was on top of him, her tears splattering on his face and chest. He ran his hands up her sides and lifted her and she lay down upon him with her legs together. He put his arms around her back, caressing her, sliding his hands up and down as she slowed her breathing and stopped crying. 

“Did you know it was going to be like this?” Asked Julie.

“I read a lot about everything and…”

“Like what happened to me?”

“Yes.”

“Am I acting stupid like a dumb virgin?”

Billy laughed lightly, “No.”

“Oh.”

They lay together, she on top, in silence as her breathing returned to normal. She opened her eyes in the darkness and sighed, “Oh, why did all this have to happen to me?”

As she spoke, almost as a signal, Billy began to move his hands up and down her back as she lay still on top of him. He moved his hands up through her hair across her temples and toyed with her ears then back up through her hair and down her back to her waist and her hips and back up her ribs on both sides. At the same time he moved his legs apart, then up and down along the outside of her legs that remained tightly closed. He brought his legs together again underneath her and with both knees exerted a slight but firm pressure. She responded slowly by opening her legs over him, rising up and lowering her hips back down to where she could feel him on her stomach.

He put his hands on her hips and pushed upwards, positioning her over him; she placed her hands on the padded floor to support herself. She brought her knees forward and closed her eyes as he put a hand on her back and used his other hand to guide him into her.




Billy Ch. 01



“No.” Julie twisted aside, rolled and lay on her back. “Not like that.”

Billy lay quietly and silently, feeling her body next to him.

She searched for his hand and brought it to her mouth, kissed the back of his hand and pulled him on top of her. “I want you to make love to me. I will try to let you…ah, let you…start it…please, I don’t know if I can, but please try, Billy, please.”


Billy took her hand in both of his and kissed it and her palm, holding her hand to his face so that her fingers touched his eyes, his nose and his cheekbones.

“Julie...” he said quietly.

“I know…”

He lay on top of her, both their legs tightly together. He kissed her face again as he had before, then her lips, then a kiss that she kissed back. He moved his mouth to her breast and moved his hand down. She didn’t stiffen or resist as he took a nipple into his mouth and slowly touched between her legs. She made a small sound and turned her head aside and moved her hand up his arm and behind his neck. She opened her legs as he moved over her, closed her eyes and was only slightly surprised as she felt him come into her as her knees came up and her arms went around his back.

“Oh…Billy…Ohhh…”

He penetrated only slightly, withdrew, then entered again as she struggled to accept him, her arms fluttering on his back, her eyes and mouth open wide.

It doesn’t hurt, Billy, I love you; please love me. Please…ohhh…”

As he heard her words and felt her response he pushed forward and came fully into her, lifted her hips with his hands and pushed and then stopped.

She raised her knees and shifted to accept him and murmured, “Oh, God, Oh, Billy, please don’t stop! Love me! Love me hard! Show me what it means. Please!”

Billy heard her words, every word, but held her still, fully inside her, he pressed even harder then lowered his face to hers and kissed her deeply and warmly until she dug her fingers into him, arched her back and wrapped her legs around him.

He thrust against her slowly and rhythmically as she began to respond and meet him at the end of his push. He continued the same motion as she met him and drew back to meet him again. Her legs slipped down from around his back and her feet found a place on the padded floor and thrust up as she met him then clamped her legs against him and held him at the top of his thrust and then released and took him again but he held until she drew back and she found a rhythm to follow and a pattern to match and she pushed and held and he held and she pushed and held and he held and she screamed and clamped her legs around him as he pushed and held and held and held until she collapsed and fell back, legs and arms wide, her head aside, her eyes closed.

He shifted his weight to move off her but she brought her arms and legs around him again. “No, don’t move. Stay inside me. Hold me, Billy, hold me, hold me, hold me!”

Several minutes passed before they were breathing normally again.

“Wow!” She said as she put her hands in his hair and kissed his face. “That is what I was looking for and didn’t know what I was looking for. If guys feel the same thing I did, no wonder they want it so much. Ohh, Billy, what a feeling. My whole inside, my whole body, inside my head, everything all just got bigger and bigger and then it just exploded. Ohh.”

Billy kissed her lips lightly then rested his head between her breasts.

She ran her hands through his hair and along his shoulders. 

“Billy?”

“Yes, sweet Julie?”

“You were still big inside me when I, ah, well, you know. I thought, I mean, I don’t know, but, didn’t you…ah, couldn’t you…?”

Julie squealed as Billy put both hands under her armpits, lifted her up, rolled over and placed her on top of him, held her with one hand and guided himself into her with his other hand.

“Oh!…Ah…Billy…I…Oh…Unh…Billy, I don’t know how to do this, Ah, Oh…”

As he thrust up against her, Julie let her hands wander along his arms and shoulders until she clenched his hair with both hands. As he thrust up again, lifting her, she gasped and placed her hands alongside him on the floor. Billy moved his hands to her breasts and them up and down her body as she moved on him. She moved from side to side, feeling him inside her, then began thrusting against him, her head thrown back, her arms down supporting her when Billy suddenly grasped her shoulders, twisted her roughly sideways and down and was on top of her, inside her, thrusting and pushing harder and harder. For an instant she was frightened, then she felt his passion, his purpose, she waited then met him and joined him and rose to him and put her arms and legs around him until her buried his face in her neck and cried out.

The only sounds were breathing and the sudden click and air movement as the air conditioning/heating unit turned itself on.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what? You don’t have to be sorry.”

Billy said, “I was kind of rough, I didn’t mean to be.”

“You, ah, finished, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Then what are you sorry about?”

“Julie, dearest Julie. When I thought about all the things that could happen here, I knew this might. I told myself that I would try not to let it happen. I thought I really meant it. But here I am, here we are and I took you and I took pleasure from you and I really feel guilty. That’s what I’m sorry about.”

“You really got pleasure from me? You really wanted me? It wasn’t something you felt you had to do to see if I was all right about sex? You weren’t pretending? You still like me after everything?”

Billy took her face in his hands, “Julie, sweetheart, you won’t understand this and I can’t tell you any more, but, I love you, I have for a long time. Not the way it sounds but.…I feel a warmth and a happiness deep inside me every time I see you. When this happened to you, it was like a blade in my stomach, twisting and turning and tearing my life away. I’ve done some things I can’t tell you about, but I can promise you that those who hurt you will never hurt anyone again.

“Julie, I was so afraid for you and afraid of trying to help you; I saw the possibility that I would cause you even more suffering and pain by having you here in this dark place, alone and frightened, I…”

Julie put her hands to his face. “You really took a risk too, didn’t you? Whoever you are, you could have lost everything and gotten into a lot of trouble. Thank you for helping me and for everything you said to me.” Her voice dropped to a whisper next to his ear. “I love you, Billy, my heart feels it, I know it’s right. I will always love you.”

She put her head on his chest, her right arm on his shoulder, found a comfortable place for her legs, took a long deep breath, let it out slowly and closed her eyes. 



Billy Ch. 02



MARIA 

Molly rushed across the room when the telephone finally rang. “Hello, Julie? Is that you?” She stopped breathing and her eyes opened wide as she heard Julie’s firm voice. “Get over here, right now!” There was a click and the dial tone came back on.

Molly flew out the door and down the street, wincing as the hard pavement bit into her tender feet. A few blocks away, sitting on a porch swing, Julie sat quietly as Molly thumped up the steps wide eyed and out of breath. Julie finally looked up at the five foot, ninety pound girl with a glinting green eyed smile. “Let’s go shopping!”

When the next school day rolled around, a rising wave of excited babble followed Julie through the hallways as she waved and smiled her way to the classroom. Tiny Molly tagged along several steps behind, peering through her oversized glasses, hitching up her baggy camouflage trousers and tripping over the laces of her heavy black work boots. Things were back to normal.

Three days later a hand scribbled note appeared on the bulletin board of the public library a few blocks from the school. ‘Mr. B.! Very Urgent! 4pm. Molly.’

A pay telephone at a nearby gas station rang once and Molly yanked the phone to her ear. “Yes! Yes. Maria tried to kill herself! Julie is here. Will you talk to her?”

“Oh, Billy, it’s awful. She took drugs and cut her wrists and I haven’t been able to get into the hospital to see her but I have to help her and I don’t know what to do! Will you help me, please? What should I do?”

Julie put the phone back in its holder and turned to Molly. “He’ll do whatever he can. He said for us to go to the hospital and have the nurses tell Maria we are there and not to leave until they let us see her. We can trade off and stay all night if we have to. Okay?”

Molly reached up and put her arms around Julie, “It will be all right. She’ll be okay. Let’s hurry to the hospital. Are you going to drive?”

Julie squeezed her arms around Molly, “Yes, I’ll drive; thanks, kid. He said to contact him again as soon as we find out anything and how we can help her. What are we going to do? How can we help her? What happened to everything all of a sudden? Everything got crazy all at the same time. Geez’!”

Maria was released from the hospital two days later. The cuts on her wrists were what the doctor called, ‘attention getters’, not serious wounds intended to sever arteries or even to cause serious scarring. The overdose was more serious and could have ended her life had she not been treated quickly.

It was Julie who found her. When Maria didn’t show up for school; Julie had a very bad feeling about it and left her class and went looking. She found Maria’s car a few blocks from where she lived, parked in the wooded driveway of an old empty house. Inside the car, bloody and barely breathing, curled up on the back seat, lay Maria. Julie dragged her out of the car and somehow wrestled her limp form into the front seat of her car and drove sixty miles an hour; horn blaring through residential streets to the emergency room.

Following Billy’s advice, Julie took Maria home with her and kept her in bed. Molly stayed and they alternated so that Maria was never left alone. After a day and a half, Maria talked a little to Julie, but only a little. Julie was shocked and blushed deeply at some of the things they discussed and began to realize how she had been sheltered from such things most of her life. But she did get some ideas. 

“She just doesn’t want to live anymore, Billy. I can’t seem to break through to what is really wrong. I know it has to do with what happened to me, but she won’t talk about it.”

Julie was on the telephone at the same gas station, it was the third time she and Billy had talked since Maria left the hospital. “Billy, I’m so naïve about a lot of things; Maria said something a couple of times about, ah…well, I’m so embarrassed. Damn! I’m going to talk all around it and let you help me explain it. Will you help me?”

After many long minutes of planning and disagreement and planning again, they finally had an idea of what to do. “Yes, I know it is important; an old black car at the side of the library, after dark. She’s not to try to see the driver, put the blindfold on and leave it on until the car stops and the engine is turned off…right, I know all that. Okay…and, uh, Billy, can you get those things we talked about, y’know? Okay, bye, love you, bye.”

Maria Sanchez displayed the kind of classic beauty that some Spanish women have in their youth and with only some does it last for more than a few years. Her shiny black hair and the almost black glistening round eyes in the center of a perfectly oval face seemed to be created in the mind of an artist. With perfectly formed lips and a firm full body, Maria was an exotically beautiful young woman, marred by terribly hard eyes and a voice that could cut a man to ribbons.

She had resisted and argued but finally, without any hope, agreed to do as Julie had asked. She found herself sitting on the padded floor of a dark room somewhere in a house, somewhere in the town. The car had driven round and round and up and back for more than ten minutes before finally stopping. She could be anywhere.

“I am here for Julie,” Maria said harshly, “Only because she thinks I owe her for saving my miserable life. She should have left me to die. I was ready; I made up my mind and I did it. I should not be here now. Is anyone here? Are you listening to me? Go ahead, talk to me, it won’t help. Nothing can help. I am already walking with the dead. You can do me no good. Well? Is any one here?”

The small dark room remained silent.

“Jesus Christ, it’s dark in here! I think I can hear breathing. I know you are here somewhere. Why don’t you talk to me?”

“Yes, Maria, I am here. You may call me Billy, if you wish.”

“Ahh, so, I don’ weesh to call you anything, hombre. What did you do to Julie, my friend, to bring her back to life again? Huh? Answer me that Greengo. How you do that?”

“So you are interested in living some more?” Asked Billy.

“Screw you, Pedro. I didn’t say that,” shot back Maria.

“Billy, not Pedro, Maria, but I think you know that.”

“You’re all nothing but tiny dicks and little brains, what does it matter what I call you? Nothing, Nada, it matters not.”

It was quiet for a moment, “Maria, I listened to Julie. She needed to talk about what happened to her, it helped. It might help you, I…”

“Yeah, sure, you talked to her, well maybe a little, but she don’ knows very much about bad things. I bet you also slipped her a big bad cock that made her feel like a woman again. That’s what I theenk, meester Billy.” Maria’s voice had a nasty edge.


“Take your clothes off, Maria.”

“Ah-ha! This is what I think you would do. Sure Meester, I take off my clothes. I even rub my neeples and stick my finger in there to get it all good and wet for you. Oh, you bet; come on, stick it to me. You ain’ got nothin’ I ain’ seen or had before and chu probly got a lot less.

As she was talking, Billy heard the rustle and motion of clothing being removed and shortly Maria’s voice again. “What’s dee mattah leetle boy? Can’t you get it up? Come on over here and do it to me. Come on!”

“Turn over and get up on your knees. Put your hands on the floor and keep them there,” said Billy.

“Ah. So! You like fucking dogs, huh, huh, Meester? Maybe sheep too, like in my country. Goddamned dirty dicks will fuck anything! Okay, leetle boy, here it is, up in the air for you! Take your pick, either place, I don’t give a damn, come on! Get it on!”

There was a sound of movement across the floor, Maria felt a hand touch her hip and move up to a breast. “Ah, chu want to play weeth my boobs a leetle bit. Sure Greengo, I got nice big soft titties, make you feel real good, get you all excited so you can push and push and push and get it over with real quick.” Maria felt another hand go along her side then to her shoulder and a thigh pushed against her from behind.

“What’s the matter? You can’t find a place to stick that thing? Maybe you still can’t even get it up. Chu wan’ me to help you a leetle beet, okay.” Maria started to reach back behind her but a hand grasped her arm and pushed forward. “Oh, thas’right, you toll me not to move my hands. Okay, that’s…Oh…Maria felt a touch between her legs and she drew in a breath as she felt it slowly come inside, stretching her a little as it penetrated deeper.

“Ahh…oh…hey Meester, you got a pretty nice little dick there. Now show me if you can do anything with it. Come on! Let’s do it” Maria pushed with her hands, arched her back and leaned forward on her knees taking the full penetration and thrust deep inside her. “Aya…Madra Mia, greengo, you gotta beeg one.” She grunted and came forward, then moved back and took a thrust and then another and the motion stopped.

“What? Why you stopping? You no like it?” She felt it being withdrawn and laughed. “That’s it? You came? Chu feenished already? Oh, you poor leetle boy, a nine year old nino’ could do better than that. What a waste!”

Maria got down off her knees and rolled over on her back with a harsh laugh, “Stupid nasty little boys, climb on, stick it in and bang, all done. Beeg goddamned deal. I never met a man that I couldn’t outlast and if I were a man, I would know how to use that thing. You bet your ass I would. Boy, I would stick it in and take some little bitch all the way to heaven…leave her panting and sweating and grunting and crying and begging for more. I should have been a man, I sure as hell never liked being a girl. I hate you fuckin' men, I oughtta kill all of you and cut your dicks off and burn them…and satisfaction…never, I never get no satisfaction, only this way…”

Maria put her hand between her legs and slowly massaged herself, moving her hips and making quiet little sounds of pleasure. There was a noise and something landed on Maria’s thigh and stomach, she sat up quickly and reached for the object.

“What the hell is this?” Exclaimed Maria, “I’ll be goddamned, it’s a fucking two sided dildo. What the hell?”

“You said you wanted to be a man,” said Billy, “Go ahead, put it on.”

“And stick it up your ass, Hombre? No fucking way, not in a million years. Now maybe if you had a sweet little bitch here, I might think about it. What?”

There was another sound away from Billy’s voice and a hand reached out and touched Maria. She reached out quickly and felt the smooth skin of an arm, the mound of a breast, then ran her hand between the thighs and felt the warm wetness open to her touch.

“Son of a Bitch! What kinda whore chu got here? You think I won’t do it? I show you how it’s done!”

There were noises as Maria strapped on the apparatus, made a small sound as she took one half into herself and turned and crawled between the open legs beside her.

“Hokay, beetch, I got something really good for you, you just gonna love this. You all good and wet enough for this beeg fat dick? Ah…yes…you wan’ I should squeeze those nice boobs a leetle bit ‘fore I poke it into you? Ah…good, you all ready for it.”

Maria put her hand around the large dildo and guided it into the wetness in front of her and pushed, feeling the one inside her moving deep inside. She withdrew a little and thrust again, harder, feeling an answering push from beneath her and a soft moan.

“Ah…yes…you kinda like that too, huh? You cunt! Good! Well, here, take this and this and…” Maria stopped moving and pushed up with her hands, resting above the body beneath her. “This is no good for me. I don’t like doing that to someone, even if they did it to me a thousand times. I don’t like it.”

Maria unstrapped the dildo and threw it aside, leaned down and placed her hands on the unseen face in the darkness. The face was wet with tears streaming down both cheeks.

“I’m sorry, nina’, I’m very sorry, but this is not for me. But why are you crying? Did I hurt you? I did not mean to hurt you.”

A quiet voice spoke just a few words, “No, Maria, my friend, you didn’t hurt me.”

“Oh, Holy Mother of God! Not you, not you, Julie, please not you!” Pleaded Maria. Then she screamed. “You dirty rotten Son of a Bitch, you brought her here! I will kill you!”

Maria lunged toward Billy, but Julie clamped her arms and legs around her and held her in a tight grip. “No, No, No!” Julie screamed, “It wasn’t him! It was me; it was my idea. Maria, please stop fighting me. Just calm down, settle down…let me explain.”

In a few moments it was quiet again as the two girls held each other sobbing and talking softly. They sat up, hand in hand and moved back until they found a wall to lean against.

Julie spoke first with a strange tone in her voice. “I have a little confession to make.”

Billy uttered a quiet, “Oh?”

“When Maria stayed at my house and we talked, she…ah, well…three or four times she brought up the idea that having sex with another woman be better than letting a man do it to you all rough and hard. It sounded okay, all soft and gentle and tender and being nice to each other. So, along with the idea, that…uh, trying it with Maria might help her to know if it was right for her, that…, ah, that…well, I might find out the same thing for me. Oh…I’m all embarrassed now.”

Maria gasped. “You really planned to let me do that to you just to help me? Oh, Julie, nobody ever cared enough to do anything for me. I feel so cheap, so rotten for what I did, but so happy to know I have a friend like you. But it didn’t work. I don’t like making love to another woman, it isn’t right for me.”

“Me neither,” said Julie.

“You? Julie? How would you know how it feels to…Ohh! It wasn’t the gringo when I was on my knees?” 

“No, Maria, it was me, Billy never touched you. But I didn’t like it either. When I touched your hips and your waist and your breasts, your skin was so soft and smooth and no muscles and no hair on your chest and it just didn’t turn me on at all.”

Both girls laughed and hugged each other and giggled lightly and then it was quiet again.

When Billy spoke, his voice was low and serious. “The two men you killed, Maria, two of the five that raped Julie, have been buried.”

Both girls gasped and Maria said, “But how could you know about this?”

Another quick intake of breath as Billy continued, “The Police Chief and the County Sheriff also know about the two men but not where they are buried. They also have a suspicion as to who killed them, but they don’t want to know and they have no investigation underway or planned. The three other men are in prison in another part of the State. They confessed to killing two girls who have been missing and several other robberies and assaults.”

“Are you sure about all of this, Billy?” asked Julie.

“Absolutely certain, Julie…Maria.” He answered.

Julie cried out, “Oh, Maria, Maria, that means you are free, it’s all over, you don’t have to worry about the police or going to jail. Oh, thank you, Billy, thank you!”

“Yes, thank you, Sir,” said Maria, “I don’t know how you did those things but I believe that you really did and I am much grateful. But…” Maria paused and breathed deeply in and out several times. “I killed those two men. I slept with one and then I put an icepick in his ear, all the way to the handle. Then I cut his things off and put them in his mouth and then I did it again. I didn’t feel a thing except anger because I got blood all over the place.

“So you see, I really should have been caught by the police and put in prison forever. I have sinned against my God and I have broken the biggest of laws of man. I do not deserve to live. I do not have a desire to live.”

Billy sat quietly as Julie cried, holding Maria in her arms.

“Maria,” said Billy, “You and Julie have been friends for several years. I remember seeing the two of you together walking through the streets and in the parks and near the library many times. You seemed to be happy until not very long ago, perhaps last year after school started. Can you tell me what happened? Can you explain the sadness and resignation I hear in your voice? Please try to help me understand.” 

There were sounds of movement in the darkness as Maria slowly slid away from Julie; she pulled her legs back and tucked them against her thigh. She clasped her hands as if in prayer, lowered her head, sighed deeply then raised her head, eyes wide open, staring into the darkness, into the past.

“Julie, my best and only true friend, please turn from me and look away. I know you will hear, but if you are not looking at me, I will feel that I can look upon you without shame.

“The man who is a friend of my friend Julie; is a friend of mine. He sits in this room and has offered to share my burden and ease my soul. I think you should not hear these things, I think you should not know these things. But, you have asked, and as your friend, I am under obligation to do as you wish, if I can.

“In Mexico, in my country, where I lived until I was in the first year of my teen years, life is not so precious as it is here in this country. People die of disease and knife fights and starvation and old age and no one cares. The government comes sometimes with help if there is a disaster or a famine but they take as well as give. The Church…the Church is always there, but always takes and seldom gives and when it does give, it also gives you shame and guilt as we live our lives with sins of the flesh and sins of the soul.

“I remember happy days as a little girl. There was always food to eat, we had a garden and chickens and ducks and goats and maybe a cow for milk. We grew things to eat and it was both work and fun to take care of the plants and the animals and there were always friends around.

“Children in the small villages of my country belong to everyone. We played in groups and moved from home to home playing and eating and running and being carefree. Those are for me good memories, warm memories of belonging and love and being part of something that would go on forever.

“But, of course, it didn’t last. I grew older, we stopped being just children and we became boys and girls and we played together less and less as we grew. The boys and girls that were a little bit older would point to us and laugh and giggle as if they knew a secret that we didn’t. Our mothers at every house we went to always told us to go places together four or five at a time and to stay on the dirt roads or the paths between the houses. But we didn’t always do as we were told.

“I was late leaving school one day, I was nine years old, maybe almost ten, I try not to remember. Several girls were walking home together, but I had to go another way to get home so I started off alone. They must have known somehow and planned it out. They were waiting for me in a place that was far away from any house. There were five of them, some my age, some a little older. They held hands and made a circle around me and wouldn’t let me break through. I tried. Then they stopped circling and four boys took hold of my arms and legs and pulled me down to the ground. The last boy, the oldest and the biggest one, stood over me as they stretched me out on the ground. He carefully and slowly unbuttoned my blouse and pulled my skirt up over my hips. I was crying and screaming as he pulled my underwear down and took my shoes off, setting my panties and shoes together by the side of the trail.

He lay down on me and touched my chest and kissed my belly and my neck and then put his hand between my legs and I screamed when he put his finger inside me. After a minute he got up on his knees and took his pants down and held his thing in his hand, showing it to me. The other boys pulled my legs apart and I screamed and screamed when he pushed inside me and kept pushing and pushing. One by one, each of the other boys did the same thing. I knew them all; we had been playmates as children. One even said he was sorry but he had to do it like all the boys did.




Billy Ch. 02



Sad events bring Stuart back to Pittsburgh where his life will change.

Edited by Lady Cibelle with my thanks.

Billy-Part 2

Visiting Pittsburgh

My thoughts were put on hold when I pulled into the driveway of the two story frame house that would always be part of my memory of my dad. I had grown up here and I had nothing but fond memories of my childhood. Mom and dad were the center of my universe and they were always there for me. I learned early on growing up that it was always best to confide in them with anything that bothered me. They seemed to be full of good advice and could make the best of times better and the worst of times bearable. The only bad memory was mom getting sick. She fought to stay with us for three years after the doctors diagnosed her cancer but finally died. I was twenty three at the time and while I was devastated, dad was almost destroyed. It took him several years to recover and I believe that since then, he was just marking time till he could join her. But she would be furious at him if he had just given up. He knew it too so he stayed.

Now it seemed that his time had come fair and square. He had cancer and the doctors had tried everything but couldn't stop it from metastasizing. He was classed as terminal about fifteen months ago and fought the good fight since then. I had visited him on several occasions during my trips to Pittsburgh and we had made our peace with each other. Now he was ready to go and wanted to join my mother. I didn't blame him and gave him my blessing to let go when he felt it was time. I just asked him to let me be there. Mary called when he told her it was time.

I went into the house to find dad sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me. Mary was nowhere to be found and when I asked, he told me he sent her home to be with her husband. She knew I was on the way so she went willingly. But I was shocked at his appearance. He was pale, thin and his face showed shadows around the mouth and eyes. He was wasting away and I was taken by surprise. It had only been two months since I had seen him last. The change was remarkable.

"Hi son. How're you doing? I think Mary left something to eat in the fridge. Want me to heat something up?"

"I'm fine Dad. I ate on the plane and it will take a while to get that out of my system. You look. . . . well, different. I'm glad Mary called. Do you really think it might be almost time?"

"I think so son. I'm ready to go find your momma. I know she'll be waiting for me and I know she'll forgive me if I go pretty soon."

An outsider might be surprised by our conversation to this point, but since we had had this conversation before, it was not surprising to me that he went right to the heart of the matter. Dad was not one for political correctness. He told it like it was and it was his time. He knew it and so did I. We just wanted to be sure we both were ready for it and comfortable with it. I was heartbroken at the possibility of losing my father, my best friend and my confidant. He had been with me during all of my tragedies including the death of my first wife. He had been there during my breakup with Billy and he was especially upset by that one. He was fond of my first wife but he really loved Billy and the feeling was mutual.

"Let's just wait till we have some time to talk. It's late and you should be getting to bed. I'm still on Denver time so I think I'll make a couple of calls and then hit the sack myself. Can you make it to bed or do you want some help?"

"When I can't get myself in and out of bed, I'll just stay there. I'm fine and welcome home son."

With that, he walked down the hall to his bedroom and I watched him go with a heavy heart. It was one thing not to be surprised or shocked by his weakness but quite another to accept it without sadness. I just promised him I wouldn't embarrass him by showing it.

The first person I called was Mary, to let her know I was here and that I would be for the next few days at least. We chatted for awhile and I hung up, thinking that she had been a good friend to all of us. I wanted to make a couple more calls but realized the time difference and finally put my phone away and went into the small living room to sit on the couch and just unwind. I was exhausted by everything and just wanted some quiet time. I was more exhausted than I realized when the next thing I noticed was the sun coming in the window and the sound of the tea kettle in the kitchen.

I found dad in the kitchen making coffee. He wasn't supposed to be drinking it but since Mary wasn't there to check on him, he took advantage of me and my jet lag sleeping to have himself a cup. He just grinned at me when I came in.

"Don't bother boy. I'm old enough to have myself a cup of coffee. After all it ain't gonna kill me. Cancer's gonna do that. Fix yourself a cup and sit down."

"I'm not going to yell at you pop. And you're right. It isn't going to make any difference now anyway."

So we sat there in the kitchen drinking coffee and talking. Talking about things we hadn't talked about in years. It was catch up time and we both knew it was going to be the last time for us. It was bittersweet but precious to me. As I watched him talk, I wondered how he could be so calm, knowing the pain he was in. The doctor had given him morphine but he wouldn't use it until the pain finally drove him to it. This morning was no exception.

"So, tell me about your life there in Denver. You met anyone yet? It's been almost five years for you now ain't it? Man can't go that long without wantin a good woman."

"It's been just over five years for me and no, I haven't found a good woman. Met a lot of women, and dated quite a few more but none were what I might call 'good women' if you know what I mean. I'm not looking for a permanent relationship right now so casual is good enough for me."

"Don't make no sense to me. You're a good looking man if I do say so and you need a good woman to help you in your work and in your bed. Don't know why you can't find one. Damn shame if you ask me."

"Don't worry about that now, pop. You just worry about taking care of yourself. You aren't going to die tomorrow so you just relax and enjoy the time we have together. Any thing you want to do while I'm here?"

"Nothing I want to do but die in peace. Something you and Mary won't let me do."

We just sat there for a few minutes, the only sound the ticking of the wall clock that I gave mom one year for Christmas. Still worked.

"She stops in to see me at least once a week you know."

"I thought Mary was in every day. Have you been making her life miserable so she'll stay away?"

"Don't mean Mary. I mean Billy. Billy stops in at least once a week to see me. Has for the last two, three years. Always brings me something sweet to eat like chocolate or sugar candies of some kind. Mary don't know she brings it."

It was like a jolt of electricity going through me. The mention of her name was all it took to make me react. After all these years, I never thought of her here with my dad. I never thought of her or her new life at all. I fought for years to drive any thought of her out of my life. Memories of our past, things we did and places we had been. Never!

"Why would you let her in here? Why would she come to see you? I don't understand that at all. You know what she did to me. Why would you do that?"

"Didn't do anything to me. I always liked that girl. And she liked me. So she comes to keep me company. That's more than you do. Just visit once in a while. Sometimes only a phone call when you're in town. Billy comes without fail, every week. Brings me sweets too."

I had no answer to that. Of course it was his business. She was coming to see him and I knew that she always had a fondness for dad. She loved him more that her own dad. I knew that. Why hadn't I considered that she would visit him? I guess it never crossed my mind that Billy had a life of her own after our divorce. I really never thought of her at all in those terms.

Mark had mentioned her only once to me after I moved to Denver. That was on a trip back for business. We had been working together in the conference room when we stopped for a while to get some drinks and sandwiches. We were not friends anymore but we did work well together and that was all I permitted. But we had been getting along better so he must have felt he could take the chance.

"Have you spoken to Billy since your divorce?"

The mention of her name from his mouth caused my stomach to burn and my blood to boil. I tried with success to keep my mouth shut but I couldn't stand to look at him just then. So, controlling my anger, I walked out of the room and went down the hall to the restroom. I leaned over the sink and splashed cold water on my face until I calmed. I let my breathing slow and my anger cool.

I walked back into the room and without any reference to his comment started back on the subject we had been discussing. Mark was smart enough to keep his mouth shut and we continued on as if the whole thing hadn't happened. He never mentioned her again in my presence.

I slowly sipped my coffee while I tried to get some control over my emotions. I looked over at dad and he was smiling. He knew what he had done to me and it gave him some pleasure. So fine, it was good for him and I could take it.

"I didn't know she was coming over. I'm glad then. She always did like you, a whole lot more than she liked me. It's good then and I'm glad."

"I didn't need your permission anyway but I'm glad to see you can be calm about it. Want to know anything about her life here?"

"Not really. It's none of my business. She must have her own life now. I wish her nothing but the best. But it's none of my business."

Dad laughed at that. He knew I was dying to know what she was doing and how she was getting along. I don't know what I wanted to hear. Was she happy? Was she miserable? After five years she had to have a whole new life. Was it better than mine?

"Well then. She's workin now you know. She teaches fifth graders at that school over in Bridgeville. Been there going on four years now. Got her credits after the divorce and went back to teaching. Says she loves it."

I knew she had a degree and a teaching certificate but all she wanted to do when we were married was stay at home and go to her stupid meetings. Anything for attention. In the divorce, I had left her well off. Well enough not to have to work. I left her the house and paid it off so she wouldn't have a mortgage. And I set up generous alimony payments even though my lawyer had a fit about it. But I did it anyway.

"She told me she had a place close to where you used to live. It's a townhouse, a one bedroom townhouse. She sold the big house you know. Since you left it to her, she sold it: moved out almost right after you left. She rented the townhouse for a while until the big house sold and then she bought it."

That was news to me. I left it to her in the divorce because she always loved that house, and I had no desire to ever see it again. My lawyer told me that there were no further obligations on the house so I assumed she would stay there. Live there with her new lover or even Mark for that matter. I just didn't want to know.

"I guess she got married? Mark maybe? After the divorce, she would have been free to date whoever she wanted and someone as beautiful as her had to hook someone right away. Anyone I know?"

Dad just grinned at me. He knew he had me hooked now and he was enjoying it immensely. Actually, I was happy to give him this perverse pleasure.

"No husband, no boyfriend, no lovers. After you left, she never dated anyone. At least that's what Mary tells me. Seems Mary knows her mom and dad pretty good and she tells me they worry about her. Won't date and won't see any men. Has a few women friends but no men friends at all."

I was becoming agitated and I wanted this conversation to end. It gave me too much information, information I didn't want or need, information that I soaked up like a sponge. I took my coffee, got up and went outside to get away without giving dad the satisfaction of seeing the turmoil roiling in my chest. Billy working, living simply, not dating and coming to visit like a typical daughter. Too much too fast and nothing like I expected. It was all wrong! This isn't how it was supposed to be!

It was almost lunch time when I finally went back in. I had walked around the neighborhood for hours, just wandering without purpose while my head simply refused to forget again: refused to go back to that blessed ignorance. Billy was back in my head and she wouldn't go away. She wouldn't go back into that corner of my mind that she had occupied for the past five years. The fact was that I never stopped loving her. In spite of what she did, the love didn't die: it just retreated in the face of the possibility of her hurting me again. That I couldn't take. That was enough to force the love into the background. 

Dad was sleeping when I looked in on him. I didn't like the color of his skin or the way he was breathing. I checked his supply of morphine and found he hadn't used any since yesterday. He had to be in pain and I suffered for him. When he woke, we would have to talk. He couldn't go on this way. The pain was stressing his heart and he needed the relief.

I fixed a light lunch for us and had it ready when he woke. I took a tray in to him but he pushed it away.

"I'll eat at my own table like always. If I can't, I'll stop eating!"

So I helped him in and let him sit down in has usual place. I sat the sandwich in front of him and a glass of his favorite iced tea. He took some tea but hardly touched the sandwich. After watching him pick at the fool, I spoke.

"Dad you have to let me give you an injection. You're in pain and it's too much for your heart. Please, if you don't want to take it for yourself, do it for me. I need more time with you. I don't want to see you go and mom wouldn't like it either, and you know it."

"Your mother understands. She's waitin for me, but you're right. We need more time. There's something her and me still want from you. So, get the damn needle and let's do it. Just half the dosage, understand? Just 15 ccs and no more."

I rose and got the syringe and filled it to the mark he indicated, then added a little more. It was about half the amount recommended by his doctor, but at least it was something. I took it to the kitchen, wiped his arm with the alcohol pad and gave him the shot. I had been instructed on the procedure some time ago by Mary in case she was unable to come. I watched the pain ease slightly from his face as the drug took immediate effect. Some color came back into his face and he visibly relaxed. As did I. Soon after he asked me to help him to bed since the medicine made him so tired. He slept for the best part of the afternoon.

It had been three days since I arrived and dad was getting weaker by the day. As we talked, it was clear that he was loosing his will to live. After that one conversation, he didn't mention Billy again for which I was both glad and a little disappointed. But it was clear to me that he was waiting for something. I didn't know if I was supposed to do something for him or what. I asked him on several occasions what it was he wanted me to do but he just shook his head and refused to talk.

Mary had stopped several times but saw that I had things under control so she stayed only a short time. Once or twice she brought over something to eat but dad ate little and I found my appetite lacking. The strain was becoming heavy and I had to do something to get my mind off of him. I decided to drive into town and check with Mark on some things that I had implemented some time ago. While I was technically on vacation, it wouldn't hurt. I asked Mary to cover for me and she came over to let me go. That was the only time I left his side.

As I was preparing his lunch a day later, I heard a knock on the door and expecting Mary, I hollered for her to come in. I heard the door open and then nothing more. I spoke without turning.

"I'm just fixing lunch Mary. Want anything?"

"It's not Mary. I'm sorry; I didn't realize you were here. I'll leave."

The sound of that voice brought so much back so quickly that the shock was almost enough to give me a heart attack. It was Billy! I had never forgotten her voice and I would have recognized it anyplace. I remained with my back to her while I caught my breath. I finally felt enough in control to turn and face her.

"No, please. He'll want to see you. He's spoken of your visits often. Please, stay."

She was more beautiful than I remembered. She had cut her long blond hair to almost a cap on her head. It seemed to bring out her deep blue eyes and her firm lips. She had strong cheekbones and an oval face that gave her a pixie-like appearance. She had on a plain white blouse tucked into a pair of jeans that fit rather loosely on her frame. She appeared to have lost some weight and it looked good on her. The expression on her face was one of apology and embarrassment.

"Thank you. I'll not stay long. I just want to see him and give him something."

As she walked around me to go into the small family room, I followed her with my eyes. I couldn't take my eyes off her. This was the first time I had seen or spoken to her since the day I left for Denver. I wasn't sure of my reaction. I searched for the anger and the pain but found it gone. It had disappeared over the last five years and the past was just that: forgotten and put to rest. I didn't know how to take that. As I stood there confused and trying to understand my reaction, she came out of the room.

She walked over to the table and leaned on the back of one of the chairs. She looked shaken.

"He was asleep so I just left his gift. To see him this way almost breaks my heart. He's going fast isn't he? Has he been taking his morphine? He looks in pain."

"He won't take it. It makes him so tired and he just wants to stay awake for the time he has left. I have given him a couple close to bed time and he sleeps good. That's all he'll accept. He's ready to go and it's what he wants.

"It has to be hard on you to watch him this way. Isn't Mary coming over? She could give you some relief."

"I'm fine. This is what I want. What we both want. I knew what I would find when I came home. It's his time and he knows it. He wants to go to my mother. That's what he's looking toward."

For some reason I broke down at that point. I don't know why it happened with Billy there but for some reason, her presence let me pour it all out. I just sank down onto the chair, my head between my arms on the table and cried. Deep breath catching sobs. I felt like a baby, unable to stop and unable to catch my breath. My shoulders were heaving and the pain of his impending death was almost more than I thought I could bear. I didn't remember when she put her arms around me but as I calmed down and the sobs subsided, I felt her cheek pressed against my head and her arms around my shoulders.

I raised my head and she immediately let me go. I saw that she had been crying as well. Her eyes were red and unshed tears made her eyes glisten. The grief was real as was the compassion I saw in her eyes. For some reason it embarrassed me. She must have seen that on my face and mistaken it for anger or disgust.

"I'm sorry. I have to go. Please give Edward my love when he wakes."

Before I could say anything, she was gone.

For a long time after she left, I sat there trying to get some idea of what I was feeling. It had been a shock to see her after all this time and a greater shock for the feeling of security she gave me to let myself go that way. Whatever it was, I was taken completely by surprise. I needed time to think but these conditions were not conducive to objectivity.




Billy Ch. 02



As I sat there, dad came walking slowly into the kitchen. He looked around apparently searching for Billy because he had a small bag of candy in one hand.

"She left this for me. Is she gone already? Did you make her leave? Damn you! Did you do that?"

"I didn't make her leave. She just said to give you her love and she left. That's all. I didn't say anything to make her not want to stay. I just think it was a surprise to see me here and that was too much for her. That's all it was."

"Well? How do you feel about seein her again? Was it OK? Did she look the same? I've been waitin for you two to get back together you know. That's what I've been waitin for. Since you let her go, I guess you're too damn stubborn to do the right thing. Damn shame, if you ask me."

Without another word he sat down to eat his sandwich of cheese and a bowl of tomato soup to go with it. While he didn't eat much, it was something. I guess her visit was enough to get him to take some food. I was grateful. We didn't talk much that day but I did tell him that I spoke to her and that she looked wonderful. That seemed to cheer him up.

Two short days later, he was gone. I went in to check on him that morning and found him lying peacefully on his bed with his hands holding the small bag of candy she had left. He went easily and for that I was grateful. I sat there, holding his hand, saying my private goodbyes. I was sad, but at the same time happy he had gone on to see mom. I know it's what he wanted and what he had dreamed of the last year. I took the little bag, tucked it in his shirt pocket and made him presentable before calling the funeral home. I called Mary to let her know and together we took care of the arrangements.

The funeral was held on a Friday morning and included a simple service by the local minister. His predecessor had married my parents and he had baptized me. Now he was completing the cycle. Since dad wanted to be cremated, the ceremony was completed at the church. I stood outside on the steps with the minister, taking the condolences of his friends. There seemed to be a great many of them, most strangers to me. Friends of his and my mother made over a lifetime. I accepted their words and tried to say something to each. After what seemed to be hours, it was over.

I went back inside to speak to the minister and thank him for a fine service. We shared a word or two and then I went back outside, heading toward the parking lot. As I reached the bottom of the stairs, I looked over to see her waiting. I was surprised at the pleasure her presence caused. She was dressed in a dark blue suit with a single white carnation in her lapel. She wore no hat or scarf and her short blond hair seemed to shine in the morning sun. She looked as sad as I felt.

"Hello Stuart. I'm so very sorry."

"Hello Billy. I'm glad you could be here. There is something I wanted to tell you. He died holding the bag of candy you left for him, and he spoke of you before he died. Your visits meant a great deal to him and for that reason, to me as well."

I heard the catch in her throat at my words and I was not surprised to see the tears start to fall. The closeness of these two was still a surprise to me, but one I was willing to accept as having been of great importance to dad. The genuine love between them was real and apparent.

"Thank you for that. He meant a great deal to me as well. He has been my best friend for the past several years even though I could only come once a week. But I looked forward to it and I'll miss him terribly.

I didn't know what else to say so I just stood there, waiting to see if she was going to say more. After a few moments, I finally started to move toward my car when she spoke.

"Stuart? Would it be possible for you to give me some time before you leave? There are some things I would like to say if you could. Not something important to you, but very much so to me. It's something I promised your father." 

"Of course. Maybe we could have dinner tonight or tomorrow night? I'm going back Sunday. My flight is booked for early Sunday morning."

Why I was so ready to see her when she suggested it I couldn't say. It just popped out. But now it was done so I had to make the best of it.

"Tomorrow is best for me. Can I meet you somewhere? Anywhere you suggest is fine with me."

"Actually I would like to go to Maxim's if it's still there. I always liked that place. Is that alright?"

"Maxim's is fine and yes it's still there and still popular. You should call for reservations. Things have changed since you left."

"7:00 then? At Maxim's."

I moved away to my car before I could say anything else. This was all happening so fast. First seeing her just five days ago after all those years, and now going out to dinner with her. But she said it was something she promised my dad so I really had no choice. At least that's what I told myself. As I pulled out to head back to dad's place, I saw her still standing there at the base of the stairs watching me.

I was sitting at a table near the window at 6:45. I had gotten there early because I wanted to compose myself and get the upper hand. If I was there, cool and collected when she came in, I would be more comfortable while she would be trying to settle down. Point to me. As I considered this, I wondered what kind of game I was playing. This was her meeting and she had full control. I was just along for the ride, or so I told myself.

As I was trying to fool myself with these platitudes, she came in. She had on a simple black dress that came just above her knees. She had on low heels and her legs were simply beautiful. As my eyes moved up her body, clearly more trim than when we were married, I saw that she had on a single strand gold chain with matching gold earrings. Her hair was brushed to a golden sheen and her face was beautiful, needing very little makeup to enhance her natural coloring. One of her gifts was the natural golden tone of her skin. She had many eyes, both men and women, following her as she was led to my table. 

As I waited for the waiter to bring her to my table, I thought of the difference time had made in Billy. The old Billy would have worn the same black dress but it would have been much shorter and it would have been tailored to follow the curves of her body. The neckline would have been cut deeper, her jewelry would have been more pretentious and her hair would have been long and wavy, emphasizing her face and the long graceful neck. Her makeup would have been heavier around the eyes and lips. Her heels would have been much higher to accent her calves. The new Billy was far more impressive.

I rose as the waiter seated her. She slipped gracefully into the chair and smiled up at me. Her smile was still the same: devastating!

"Please Stuart, sit down. You'll make me nervous standing there."

I sat, forgetting my intended calm and fighting for control.

"You look very nice tonight. You've lost weight. It looks very good on you."

"Thanks. I do go to the gym twice a week when I have the time. There's one close to where I live. It's a woman's gym, only girls allowed."

"Well, it's working. I was surprised when pop told me you sold the house and moved into a townhouse. I thought you loved that house. You couldn't wait till we could buy it when you first saw it."

"I saw no reason to stay there after the divorce. It was too big and had too many memories. Most of them were good but the bad were enough to make it hard to keep. I didn't think you would mind since you left it to me."

"Of course not. I was just surprised. I didn't know, that's all."

"Can we have dinner first and just try to catch up a little before I get serious? I'd like to hear about your life in Denver. How are you doing there? Do you like it as much as you thought you would?"

We ordered dinner, a steak for me and fish for her and we did exactly that. We caught up. I told her about Denver, my apartment, my job and some things about my life. I told her that I had been so busy I hadn't had much time for meeting anyone but that things might change in the near future. I didn't mention the promotion I expected and the possible move back to the area. I did find myself talking a great deal and I was childishly pleased at the attention she was giving me. She had never been a good listener in the past and this was a big change for her. It made me talk a lot more than I intended.

We finished our dinner and were waiting for dessert when I remembered that I knew nothing about her. I had been doing all the talking and it was time for her.

"Enough about me. Tell me about you and what you've been doing."

She smiled and looked away. She was quiet for a minute before turning back to me.

"I've been growing up. I've been trying very hard to become an adult. A responsible adult."

That was all she said. Nothing about her life, her job, her new place, nothing but 'I've been growing up.' What the hell did that mean?

"I'm not sure I understand what you're trying to say. What do you mean, grow up? Surely you don't want me to believe you were a child before. Your behavior was certainly adult."

"No it wasn't. I behaved like a willful child. Even before I met you and married you, I behaved like a spoiled, selfish child. Everything I did was childish. With you it was the house, the car, the jewelry, the clothes. Nothing but selfish pride and the betrayal was a simple childish temper tantrum. Nothing more than that."

"You aren't serious?" 

"I'm deadly serious. You gave me everything a woman could want and I took it all and wanted more. Nothing meant anything to me unless it was new and different. You wanted a wife and you got a pretty, spoiled child. When I saw something I wanted, I pouted until you got it for me. If someone else had something I didn't, I had to have it too. If you didn't do what I wanted, I punished you. And like a spoiled child, I ruined everything for my own selfish reasons."

I watched the pain on her face as she said this. Up till then, she had been very controlled, very smooth and graceful. This was totally different. She paused and I could see that she was trying very hard to hold herself together. She shook her head as if to remember what she was doing and where she was.

"That's who I was. And it cost me everything. So, when you divorced me, I decided to grow up."

I was taken completely by surprise. Not by what she said but by how close she came to understanding the reason I divorced her. Not because of her infidelity: that could have been overcome by counseling or by hard work. But it was clear that Billy would never take our marriage seriously unless it was to her advantage. Childish? Maybe that was a good way to describe her behavior.

"That's what Ed made me promise to tell you. That I understood what happened and why you did what you did. He thought it was important for you to know that so you could get on with your life. He was worried about you."

"Why was he worried? I was doing fine. I have a good job, a new life and nothing to hold me back. My only worry was him: his health and the fact that he wouldn't let me move him closer to me."

She was shaking her head no. She had this sad smile on her face as I talked.

"He had this idea that you needed to know that what happened between us wasn't your fault. I tried to tell him you already knew that but he didn't believe me. He thought because you weren't dating or remarried that it was because you felt our divorce was somehow your fault."

I was surprised that he felt that way. "I never told him that or let him believe that. I think there was more to it. I think he wanted us to get together and this was his way of doing that. He always thought of you as a daughter and our divorce hit him hard. Probably harder than it did us."

"You may be right. He always asked me why I didn't try to contact you. I told him that our divorce was the right thing for you to do. He just didn't accept it."

We talked a little longer as we finished our dessert and coffee. I let further discussion of our problems die and we got back on simpler subjects. She did finally tell me where she was working and where she lived and she talked about her students. It was clear that she had found a new calling, the affection for the children was clear in her voice as she spoke of them. I enjoyed listening to her as she told me stories of her adventures. The next hour passed quickly and pleasantly.

"Heavens, look at the time. I do have to go. I need to be up early tomorrow morning to meet friends before church. I go to church now. I'm on the setup committee. We set up for the service and then put everything away afterwards. How about that?"

"I'm impressed. It seems you've found a place for yourself. But you were always very good at projects like that. I'm glad. I always wanted the best for you."

"I know that now. I wish I had known it then."

Before we could go any further, she stood up to leave. I stood as well.

"I'll walk you to your car. It's becoming dark and I would feel better if I saw you safely there."

Billy nodded and walked ahead of me outside. Her car was parked on the side of the restaurant and I followed her there. She stopped beside a small, compact car that looked like it had seen better days. Surprised, I asked about the sports car.

"I sold the roadster and the Jaguar. This is enough for me. It's cheap to drive and it gets me where I need to be. I don't have to worry about someone stealing it either. It is more at home where I go these days."

I bid goodnight and watched her back out and pull away. I stood there for some minutes after she left, just thinking about the changes I had seen in her. Changes for the better certainly but more profound than I would have believed. It made me wonder what she was doing. I had left her financially well off. She would be working only because she chose to do so. And the car? She could afford to have whatever she wanted. 

I thought of those changes and while I saw them as good ones, in the back of my mind remained the thought of her betrayal and even though she might have changed, I still couldn't forget and forgive what happened. Perhaps I never would. 



Billy Ch. 02



“They didn’t hit me or hurt me in any other way. They even helped me get dressed again and made sure I could walk home all right. 

“My mother knew what had happened as soon as I got home. She gave me a bath and cleaned me very gently and told me that this was a game the boys had always played and a game that would always be. She said she was forbidden by custom to tell about it before, she could only try to warn me to always move about with groups of girls, as many as possible.

“She explained that there were rules to the game, unspoken, unwritten rules, which if broken by the boys could result in them being sent away to work in the mines or factories. She told me there were tricks and deceits to use against the boys but that I must talk to the older girls to learn them; that it was forbidden for a mother to tell her daughter. She said there were other things too that she could not tell me, but that I must learn by myself or from other girls.”

Julie interrupted, “But what about your father? Couldn’t he do something?”

There was only a sad sigh from Maria.

Billy remained silent.

“It was almost a month, a full cycle of the moon, before they caught me again. Once you get caught the first time and you are a new girl to be chased, they all try to get you. There were five, maybe six different gangs. Then I got caught two days in a row even though I was with another girl. It didn’t hurt so much anymore when they did it to me, but it made me mad. Then I made friends with another girl and after that there were always three of us together. They could only have five boys to a gang; that was a rule. If they had more than five the whole gang would be sent away.

“We learned to stay together, the three of us, all the time and hardly ever would they try to take us when we were together. But one day they did. The new girl, Rosa was her name, wasn’t really very pretty but she was big, she even had breasts starting to grow. 

“They jumped out of the bushes as we were walking home from school, they had me and my other friend down on the ground. Rosa punched one in the face and she pulled a knife out of her blouse and cut the one on top of me across his back and he screamed and ran away. The others looked at the bloody knife and they ran away too. We both jumped up and down and hugged Rosa.

“Nobody caught us or even tried to get us for a long time after that happened. Then Rosa was gone. She didn’t show up one day, she wasn’t there after school. They knew. The boys knew she was gone. They caught the two of us and were really rough and one of the boys did it to me two times. I started carrying a knife that I took from the kitchen and I got another girl to go with us all the time. 

“Other things were happening too as we got older. Some of the girls learned that if you let one boy do it whenever he wanted, the rest of the gangs would leave her alone. I wouldn’t do it that way. If they wanted me they had to take me. Then my breasts began to grow and my hips and I started getting fuzzy hairs on me. The bigger boys, older boys came sniffing around the real trouble started.

“A girl I knew was beat up really bad and torn up inside, like they tried to jam something really big inside her. Then a girl stabbed one of the boys and he died. Then another gang of boys that had caught a girl protected by a gang, and killed two of the boys. The police came around and things were quiet for a while, but I was scared and when one of the boys I knew from way back said he would take care of me, I agreed.

“And he did look after me. No one else bothered me. He wasn’t mean and he didn’t want to do it all the time. Then my monthly bleeding started and my mother took me to the clinic for pills and I really started to grow.

“I was thirteen then and pretty well developed when an older guy stopped me outside the school. He said he was going to beat up or kill my boyfriend if I didn’t let him be the one. I ran crying back into the school and bumped into one of the teachers. I wasn’t in his class but I had seen him before, he gave me a tissue to wipe my eyes and asked me why I was crying. I didn’t answer him and he looked away, nervous like, and asked me if it was the, ‘boy’s games’ that was troubling me. I still didn’t answer. He asked how much I knew about it, but I was afraid to tell him anything.

“I don’t know your name, he said, and I don’t want to know. Young girls don’t mean much in a small village. I have been sent here to teach for two years, I grew up in a large city where such things are only shameful memories. If you stay here, as pretty as you are, you will be given to the Church and the Priests will use you like the boys do and then they will sell you to a house in a city somewhere. If the Church doesn’t want you, some wealthy man will make your father an offer he can’t refuse and you will serve that man until he tires of you and he will sell you. Your family has no money or you would not be in this school. Wealthy families guard their daughters and send them to private schools with very strict rules. They stay wealthy and marry wealthy and make wealthy babies. If you escape all that and marry locally, it will be to a dirt farmer; you will have many children and be an old woman before you are thirty.

“And I remember, he looked into my eyes, not as other men did, but with sadness. He placed his hand on my forehead and said to me, I cannot help you, but I bless you daughter and I will pray for you.”

Julie had stopped crying, astounded and disgusted at Maria’s revelations but hurting for her as she imagined herself as a little girl going through what Maria had.

Billy said softly, “Maria, are you all right?”

“Dear Billee, no, I am not all right. I am all wrong and it tears my heart out to tell you these things but I also feel like I am confessing things that I could never say before and I feel I must say it all. There is not much more to tell but it is very difficult.

“I ran back home and told my mother what the school teacher had said and I asked her if it was true about being given to the Church or sold to a rich man. She said only that it was possible. When I asked her who I could marry and what my life would be like. She said only that I should leave this place.

“It was the Sunday after a Holy Day when friendly families and relatives from near by often gather for a day of celebration and a huge meal late in the day. This was such a day and there was excitement and confusion throughout our small house. The women had gone to Church and to gather food and the men drank and told stories and played games of horseshoes and gambling on dogs and chickens. Some of the girls watched the children; others worked in the kitchen. I was in the kitchen with a friend my age from a family close by. My father came into the kitchen and beckoned my friend and me to him. He told me to straighten the bed in his room and bring my friend along. My friend shuddered and pulled me along with her. I saw two other men at the doorway talking to my father. One of them stayed at the door, herding the smaller children away. My father and the other man came into the bedroom and pulled the door closed behind them…”

“No!” Gasped Julie.

“Oh yes, my innocent friend,” whispered Maria, “My father forced me to remove my clothes and he had sex with me while the other man watched. Then as I lay crying, I listened as the other man raped his daughter. Then they switched and the other man took me and my father took the other girl, they watched each other. They didn’t hurry, they didn’t try to finish, they just used us first one then the other.

“It was a part of the game that I did not suspect, that no one had told me about, not even the teacher, maybe he didn’t know. I didn’t tell any one out of fear of my father, but my mother knew, she could not look in my eyes.

“Two days later she pressed a small leather pouch into my hand. It is all I have, she said, he will beat me and maybe kill me, but I cannot suffer this again. Go, my daughter, there is a telephone number and an address; someone there will help you. May God grant you a better life than mine.”

It was very quiet in the small dark room.

“Have you talked to your mother since then, Maria?” Asked Billy.

“There is no telephone in my village and my letters are never answered,” replied Maria.

“How do you feel about her?” Asked Billy.

“Feel about her? She did what she could. Too little, too late; I do not hate her. I do not miss her.”

Billy again, “Your father?”

Maria replied again, quietly, “I don’t hate him either. He was a man, what he did was what all men did. I don’t miss him or think about him. I have no one, do you see? There is no one that I miss or yearn to see. My dear Aunt, who has cared for me these past years, knows from whence I came; yet she never spoke of it or tried to heal. She gave me a place and provided for me. It was the best she could do. I am grateful to her.” 

“And when you arrived here?” Asked Billy.

“I had very little English. I didn’t start school right away. I worked in a food processing plant with many other Mexicans and I learned the language. When I could speak well enough, my Aunt insisted I quit work and go to school. I was very happy. I liked the learning and the new ways and my new friends. Things went well for a long time. I had almost forgotten the years in the village and I saw only a bright future, uncertain and unplanned, but with many possibilities ahead of me.”

“What happened?” Asked Julie, who had remained silent.

“As before,” Maria answered reluctantly. “The Mexican workers who had been here for years had children. They grew up and formed the gangs of five and they caught me again. I didn’t think it could happen in this great country, I didn’t think my past shame would follow me here. But they knew me. They didn’t know me, of course, but they knew my culture, they knew how I grew up. I had to pick one to look after me or be raped by all of them. I had no choice. I did one thing though, I said no white girls; you don’t do this to Americanos. I thought they agreed. They did not.”

Julie almost snarled the words out, “It was the old Mexican thing, that, ‘gang of five’, that, ‘caught’ me?”

“Yes,” Maria answered sadly, “Had it not been for me they might not have found you. They followed me, tracked me and through me they found you and you didn’t know and I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t warn you. You would not have understood. I was too ashamed.”

“It is all over now,” said Billy, “It will never happen again, Maria, I promise you that.”

“How can you promise such a thing?” Replied Maria with a sharp edge to her words, “You cannot control my days and nights and how I live my life.”

“Your life?” Asked Billy. “The life you don’t have? The future you don’t want? The love, the children, the family, all those things before you that you do not desire?”

There was absolute silence in the small dark room; even the sounds of breathing were subdued as the quiet continued.

Finally Maria sniffed and cleared her nose, “Julie, my friend, this man of yours is a demon with a silver tongue. He reminds me that I want to live, that I want to love; that I want to have a future with a husband and with children as all women do. Yet he tricks me to say such things even when I don’t say them.”

Julie laughed lightly, “You should hear how he used my little red car, absolutely immoral.”

“Your car?” Asked Maria.

Julie crawled across the floor to Maria and put her arms around her, squeezed her shoulders and kissed her face with light little kisses floating this way and that. “Maria, you must stop seeing the bad for a minute and look ahead. Bad things have happened to both of us, much worse for you, but we can forget them, put them aside. We are almost exactly the same age, we’re young, still teenagers. We have our whole lives ahead of us.”

“No, Julie, my friend,” said Maria, “I am not young, I am very old and very used and…”

Billy interrupted, “No, you are not old, Maria, and you are not used. I am the old one here, I am twice your age and I have sorrow that I cannot speak about. But to be young again, as you are, to have my life before me…to me, only a dream, you have only to reach out for it.”

“There is nothing for me!” Cried Maria, “I cannot go back to things as they were. This small town cannot live with what has happened, with what I have done. I know these things.”

There were sounds of clicks and snaps and the rustling of paper. “Maria, reach out and take this,” said Julie.

Maria reached out and grasped what felt like a large envelope. “What is this?” She asked as she ran her fingers over the paper.

Julie spoke with a smile in her voice, “It is plane ticket to Seattle, in the State of Washington, near the Pacific Ocean. A friend of Billy’s teaches at a small college, she needs someone to help with her children. She will get you a job at the school and get you into classes as soon as you want. There’s a bus to the airport tomorrow afternoon. You’re free, Maria! Free to go and do and be whatever you want, free!”

A choking sob came from Maria and Julie once again put her arms around her friend. The crying and sniffing grew and grew as the girls held each other and cried together.

“Is all this girl stuff finally over?” Asked Billy.

“I have never cried so much,” said Maria, “Even in the worst of times. That was not a crying of pain or hurt or suffering; it was a cry of release, of freedom. A feeling that perhaps my life is not over and a believing of it, not just hope.”

“Catharsis,” said Billy, “A cleansing of the soul perhaps. But it does come to an end and you need to go forward. Will you use the ticket and start a new life?”

“Oh, yes, Mister Billy, I will do the best I can for every day of my life. But I am not a gringo woman, I am Mexican, I am Spanish and I carry with me the customs and traditions of a long past, longer than yours. I am under obligation to you both, forever. I am yours to command at anytime for anything you need of me.”

“Maria, that is not our way, not our culture. We are many in this nation. We are ambitious and sometimes shallow and forgetful of our obligations. Our families are spread from coast to coast and we often lose contact in the rush of the day.

“A better way, if you feel an obligation, is to give help when it is needed. Help a friend who helped a friend who may one day help a friend. I am very happy that I, we, have been able to help you start living again. I am…”

Julie interrupted with an exasperated sigh, “Maria, please forgive my dear friend Billy who sometimes runs off at the mouth and doesn’t have any idea of what to do and when to do it.”

With that said, Julie grabbed Maria’s hand and pulled her toward the sound of his voice. They both fell upon him, holding him down and running their hands over him, tickling and probing him until e pleaded for a truce.

“You have your clothes on!” Exclaimed Julie.

Billy lay trapped on the floor, an arm under each girl’s shoulders, a head nestled on him from both directions and a leg slung over him from each side.

“Julie, we should not do this. This man is a good man and he should have respect,” said Maria.

Julie untangled herself from Billy and moved back against the wall. “Take her in your arms and hold her tight and let her know that everything is going to be all right. A woman needs more than just words. A lot has happened and she is about to start a new life without a single person she knows close by.”

Billy and Maria lay together as they were when Julie got up.

“With your clothes on, you did not plan to, ah, love, ah, either Julie or me?”

“Clothing can disappear real quick around this place, Maria.” Julie lightly commented.

Billy pulled Maria to her feet and they found a place along a wall some distance from Julie. They sat side by side barely touching.

“Julie made most of the plans for you to be here, Maria. I wanted to help because you are her friend and you helped her when she needed you. I think she is right, my arms around you would be real, the words we have spoken are just words. Do you want me to put my arms around you?”

Maria didn’t answer him but she leaned closer and rested her head on his chest. He raised an arm around her back and sought out her hand. She moved her face up to his neck as he touched her fingers one by one and caressed her arm to her shoulder and put his hand in her hair. He gently touched her face in the darkness, following the outline with his fingers. He lightly touched her upturned face with his lips.

Maria moved away slightly and sat against the wall again. “Julie! This man is touching my face as if he is my lover, he touches my hair and my eyes with his lips and he holds my hand as if I were a virgin never touched. What am I to do? He is your man and yet I want to touch him back and thank him for touching me as he is. What am I to do? Julie?”

Julie smiled and let a small sound rise in her throat. “He is not my man, Maria, even if I wished it. Just hope you don’t pass out when he kisses you! I’m really tired you guys, wake me up when it’s time to go.”

Maria moved closer to him and put her lips to his ear. “You smell so good it makes my heart flutter. Julie loves you no matter what she says. I am her friend. I cannot be with her man but I must tell you that I feel like I want to be. Billy, I have never loved a man. I have never been kissed by a man that I wanted to kiss me; I have never put my arms around a man because I wanted to. In my heart I want to wrap myself around you and give you the pleasure that is yours for what you have done for me. But I know it is not right. I do not know how to understand what I am feeling or what I should do.”

Billy pulled her closer, running his hands over her back and head, her arms and her face. “Maria, you are a beautiful young woman. I listened to how you talked when you first came into the room. You are so hard and bitter about love and loving. I can’t make all those years go away, I can’t erase all the bad things that have happened to you. Only time, maybe a lot of time and trusting someone will take the hardness from your eyes and your words.

“There are no guarantees out there. You may find someone good very soon or you may not…” Billy interrupted himself and chuckled, “Julie is right, I talk too much.”

He sat up as her arm fell away and pulled his shirt up over his head, found her hand and pulled her gently to him and down. He took both her hands and raised them over her head and lowered his chest onto her breasts, his face over hers.

Her breath rushed out as he kissed her cheek and the corner of her mouth. She tried to move her arms around him but he held them firmly down on both sides of her head.

Billy moved his mouth close to her ear. “If you want me to love you, don’t say anything unless you feel you want to say it. Don’t move unless you want to move. Don’t make any little love sounds until you really want to or it just happens. If I touch you or do something you don’t like, tell me and I will stop.”

“I am so frightened that I won’t please you,” she whispered.

“You don’t have to please me, Maria. I want you to feel loved and wanted and desired for being you. I don’t want you to feel that you are being taken or used or abused. If you feel any of those bad things, push against me or tell me to stop and I will. If I think for even an instant that you are giving your body for payment because you think you owe me, I will not continue.”

“Billy, I don’t know even how to think about this. When some one is having sex with me, I just go somewhere else in my mind. I mean, I respond; I move, I moan or scream or cry or whatever, but I have never wanted to feel anything. I am afraid of what I might feel or not feel. I really am frightened about what might happen if you…” 




Billy Ch. 02



Billy silenced her with his mouth and released her arms. Maria relaxed her entire body but let her hands lightly touch his arms and back as he moved. She kept her eyes open and listened to her own breathing and concentrated on feeling the touch of his hands and lips as he moved his head from her neck to her chest to her stomach.

She closed her eyes and gasped as he touched and kissed her inner thighs. She heard and felt as he removed the rest of his clothing and let him move her legs apart. She opened her eyes and again and tried to focus on the feeling as more of his body touched her legs, her stomach, her chest. She tried to clutch the material of the padded floor to keep her arms from clasping him to her as he slowly and gently kissed and massaged her breasts. She fought to keep her legs still as his hand explored between her legs. She heard her breathing become ragged gasps with small sounds deep in her throat.

She willed him to come over her and into her and moaned lightly when he did, slowly, his hands on her face, his lips on hers. She felt her chin come up and her head go back each time he moved against her. She felt her body begin to respond to his motion and let it build until she could no longer stay passive.

A guttural sound rose from deep within her as she threw her head and her arms back, arched her body and began thrusting herself against him. She no longer noticed that he met her thrusts and held for her and when she cried out that he raised her hips with his hands and held deep inside her as she shuddered and quivered and cried.

She lay quietly beneath him, breathing in his scent and the musky odor of love. He remained still, breathing hard into her neck, his hands in her hair.

After a few moments, she made a small movement and Billy moved to her side. She sat up and leaned over, kissing his face and touching his chest with her hands. Without a word she began to slowly explore his body. She kissed his stomach and cautiously and gently lifted his sex organs in her hand, lightly touching and caressing.

“I have had to take this in my mouth many times. I always hated it. I have always been disgusted by the body of a man.” She released him and ran her hands up and down his thighs across his hips and his abdomen, then lay down on top of him and buried her face in his neck.

“What have you done to me?” she whispered softly in his ear, “How could I feel so much when I felt nothing before?”

Billy slowly let his hands wander over her back and her waist and the surge of her hips, his fingers touching and feeling every inch of her skin.

Tears were in her eyes as she spoke, “How can you touch me like that? Like you worship my body, your hands tell me you don’t hate me for what I have done, that you are not disgusted that many men have touched me and used me. I don’t deserve what your hands say, Julie does, I don’t; I bartered my love, sold it, I gave it away. I do not understand.”

Billy lifted his arms around her and squeezed hard until she grunted. “Julie was right again when she said you needed to be held, that words were not enough. Maria, some people who are abused as children are never able to trust and love again. Maybe they could if they got the right kind of help, I don’t know. 

“Love and sex are different things to many people. I wonder if everyone can really experience a deep romantic love, I wonder how many ever realize that sex is a sort of celebration of life, of living.

“There is so much I don’t know. I think you have a good chance to find a love for yourself. I felt your love-making, I didn’t sense any pretense or holding back. Maybe you won’t think that all men are, ‘tiny dicks and little brains’, I think that’s what you said to me.”

Maria laughed and sat up straddling him, sitting on his hips. “Oh, Billy, you made me laugh and I wanted to be serious about what you were saying.” She leaned down and put her head on his chest. “I hope I will find someone to love, but, Billy, I will always feel love for you, for what you did, for what you said.”

He pulled her to his side, she put an arm and a leg over him and they slept, side by side.

Julie snored lightly. 



Billy Ch. 03



Maria said good-bye to her Aunt, gathered her clothing and the few other possession she wanted with her. She hugged her, held her by the shoulders and looked into her eyes. "I will be fine now. With all my heart I thank you for giving me a home when I had none. I will never forget your kindness."

The old woman raised her fingers to Maria's cheeks and touched her lightly; tears rolled down her face. "May God go with you my child."

Julie and Molly stood with Maria as the motion and sounds of the bus station swirled around them. The crying was over and when the bus was finally ready to leave the girls hugged each other. Maria held on to Julie's hand as they pulled apart, "Julie, my friend, you and your man saved my life, you must tell him how I worship him." Maria pulled Julie aside, a few steps away from Molly. "This man has needs of which you do not know, there is a sadness I do not understand. He will be in my thoughts forever; will you tell him that, Julie, please?"

Julie promised and they all hugged again. The time of leaving came and the tears again; they waved to Maria as the bus pulled away. When the she was out of sight they leaned close to each other, linked arms and walked slowly back to Julie's little red car.

A few minutes later they stopped at a fast food restaurant and took their burgers and fries outside in the warm spring air and sat at an umbrella-covered table.

Between bites, Molly looked up and smiled, "I want to tell Billy that Maria said thanks and that she seemed all right."

"That's fine," said Julie as she used a napkin.

"Face to face," stated Molly.

Julie choked and her eyes opened wide, "What! What? Molly you can't! He won't let you." Julie stammered, "There is no reason for you to see him! What, uh, whatever made you think of that? You don't even go out with guys, you never talk to guys; you even dress like a boy. I don't understand…why…how, oh, Molly, you don't need to talk to him and you, ah, you shouldn't even be thinking about anything else. No! I won't even think about it. No!"

"I'm not a little girl!" Snapped Molly.

"You shouldn't even be thinking about things like that, you're just not ready!" Julie grabbed Molly's shoulders and looked into her eyes, then collapsed back in the chair. "Oh, Molly, No."

"Yes, Julie, yes. It's time. I need to know about these things. I want to learn them from him. I will learn it from him; I've made up my mind. I will, I will, I will." Molly sounded like she was swearing an oath.

"No! No, no, no, no and no! Not even a chance! Forget about it. Why would you even think I would do such a thing?" Billy's voice waxed between degrees of anger, mirth and bewilderment. He had been on the phone for ten minutes talking with Julie then Molly.

"Besides," giggled Molly, "I'm only partly a virgin and…"

"Only partly a virgin!" Roared Billy, "What the hell does that mean? Forget it, I don't want to know!"

"I'll tell you when I see you, well not, see you, but you know what I mean; when I'm with you," Molly smiled as she talked.

"You won't be seeing me in any way!" Shouted Billy over the telephone.

"Yes, I will!" Molly shouted back, "You owe me! Both you guys owe me! You trusted me to bring Julie to that place when you couldn't figure how to get her there. I did! I did it! And it worked out! And I helped with Maria, too, in case you don't remember. I was the one who called you and told you we needed to help her and that worked out. So you owe me! Fair is fair, isn't it? I did something for you and now you do something for me. That's the way it is supposed to work, isn't it? At least let me come talk to you. Just to talk. Okay?"

It was another ten minutes of shouting before Billy finally admitted defeat and agreed to talk to her, talk only, from a separate room. He told her to contact him in a week or so.

~ ~ ~

Molly was transported in darkness, blindfolded in the back seat of a car. She reached up and felt a glass partition between the front and back seat. They drove silently for many long minutes until the car came to a stop and the back door opened. A strong hand took her up a short set of stairs and through a door and she was guided to a chair. She sat down, sniffed the air and turned her head from side to side listening for sounds. Lights came on suddenly and filtered through to cloth around her eyes.

Billy's voice caused her to flinch, "You can take the blindfold off now."

Molly blinked her eyes, reached into her purse, put her glasses on and looked around the room. It was small and completely covered with a quilted looking black material. She pushed down with her foot and the padding sank like thick foam rubber. She didn't see any obvious doors anywhere.

She was sitting in a tall-backed chair with curved arms and a padded leather seat; on each side of the chair stood a small glass topped wooden table. She put her purse on the table to her right and was startled at a quiet whirring noise when part of the wall in front of her slid aside to expose a full-length mirror.

"Get rid of the gum," Billy's voice came through speakers on each side of the mirror. "Okay," Molly answered quietly as she located an ashtray on the table to her left, "Do you smoke?"

"Sometimes."

Looking through the one-way mirror at the small figure sitting in the chair, Billy smiled and slowly shook his head from side to side. Molly was dressed in over-alls made of blue denim with wide straps over her shoulders covering a white T-shirt. The over-alls were too long and she had rolled them up over a pair of scuffed brown work boots that came several inches above her ankles. Her light brown hair was messily bunched on top of her head with strands hanging in all directions. Perched on her tiny nose was a huge pair of horn-rimmed glasses that covered most of her face above her nose. The sleeves of her X-large T-shirt hung down to her elbows. She wore no jewelry except a large mannish watch with a leather band and she had no make-up on that he could see. She sat in the chair with one leg up on the knee of the other leg and an elbow resting on the arm of the chair.

"It's awfully quiet in here," said Molly as she put her leg down, grasped the arms of the chair and leaned forward, peering into the mirror. "Are you in there? Can you see me?"

"Why do you dress like that?" Asked Billy.

"Like what?" She answered.

"You can leave right now if you don't want to be civil. I think you should leave. I don't think we have anything to talk about," said Billy firmly.

"I'm not leaving!" Snapped Molly.

Neither spoke for several minutes.

"I read all the time," Molly suddenly began talking rapidly, "I read everything, history, biographies, textbooks on everything, literature of all kinds; science fiction, romance, books on sex. I know all about sex. I know about the penis and the testicles and sperm production and erections and vaginas and uteruses and ovaries and breasts and stimulation and foreplay and lubrication and just about everything written about how many ways to do it…"

Billy interrupted, "You said you were, 'partly a virgin', what on earth does that mean?"

Molly giggled, "You really wanna know? Okay, I'm not embarrassed; I'll say it. Ah…well…I was reading this sexy story about a guy and a girl on a boat and they were doing it on an air mattress on the deck with the sun shining down and I was getting all hot reading about it, so I slipped my hand down the front of my nightie and was touching myself and rubbing, but I wanted to close my eyes but I couldn't read and close my eyes at the same time so I flipped around the cable channels and found one of those nasty little movies where this big stud goes around doing all those gorgeous bimbos so I started watching that and was touching myself and closing my eyes and imagining I was there on the TV doing and being done.

"Then the damn thing went to a break, so I slipped into my robe and went to the kitchen to get a drink and maybe something to nibble on. Mom always keeps fresh fruit and vegetables in a hanging mesh basket, you know, apples and oranges and bananas…well…ah, I looked at a banana and it looked back at me so I put it in a pocket in my robe, grabbed a can of coke and went back to my room.

"I opened the can and took a sip, pulled the banana out of the pocket and took off my robe. I locked the door and pulled the easy chair right in front of the TV, sat down, scooted back and pulled my legs up and put my feet on the chair. I laughed at myself, stood up and took the bottoms of my nightie off and sat down again.

"On TV, the guy was just taking her clothes off and playing with her boobs and kissing her all over, so I started touching my breasts and rubbing myself down there again and got all hot and sticky. I grabbed that poor old banana, I was just going to see if it would go in when the girl on TV let out a big moan as she lowered herself down on him and I pushed that damned banana right into me and then I let out a scream. It hurt a bunch, I yanked it back out and looked down there and I was bleeding all over the cushion on the chair. Boy, did I feel stupid. Popped my own cherry! So that's it. That's why I'm partly a virgin; end of story. So?"

Billy was smiling and chuckling quietly behind the one-way mirror watching her as she told the story. She was animated, moving her hands and scooting around on the chair, even raising her legs slightly as she told that part. He chuckled so she could hear: "You are probably not the first to accomplish that feat all by yourself. Don't you go out on dates, don't some of the boys try to, ah, well, touch you and things?"

"I've never been on date," she said, "I've never been alone with a guy; I've never even been kissed other than a little peck on the lips when I was in seventh grade; I slapped the guy silly!"

"Why," asked Billy, "Why don't you date? Why don't you go out?"

Molly answered quickly, "I don't want to! Nobody ever even asks me anymore. I wouldn't go anyway. They're all such jerks, I just scare them away."

Again, patiently, Billy asked her, "Why don't you get them to ask you out? Girls know how to get guys interested in them. Isn't there at least one boy you like? One you would say yes to, if he asked you out?"

"Oh, maybe, I guess, a couple guys I kinda liked; but my sister got there before I did, so I quit trying."

"Your sister? Who is your sister?"

Molly looked directly into the mirror, a question on her face, "You don't know who my twin sister is? You really don't? She's Holly, Holly Fisk. You must have heard of her, everyone has. She's very popular; probably as well known and as pretty as Julie. Holly and Molly, everybody knows Holly, nobody knows Molly, been that way all through school."

Billy frowned and leaned forward peering through the glass, searching Molly's face. Yes, of course. Everyone knew Holly Fisk. She was a beautiful girl, a senior, like Julie, she always came to school made up and dressed to perfection. A crowd of students, boys and girls alike always surrounded her. She was very popular but with a reputation of dating a great number of boys and maybe being, 'easy', as the boys said. She would graduate somewhere below the middle of her classmates. Billy stared at Molly again, trying to disregard the huge glasses and messy hair.

"Take off your glasses and let your hair down."

"Sure," said Molly. She placed the glasses on the table, pulled out the pins holding her hair and ran her fingers through it, fluffing it and swinging her head to let it settle in soft waves over her shoulders and down her back.

She smiled and looked into the mirror, "Is that okay?"

Billy could now see the resemblance. The same wide-set almond shaped eyes, almost identical oval facial structure, the nose, ears and mouth all well shaped and placed.

"You didn't squint at the mirror after you took your glasses off. You don't need to wear glasses, do you?" 

Molly showed a slight smile, "You are very observant and very quick; I have 20/15 vision, no one ever guessed. So what?"

Billy paused for a moment before speaking with a gentle but firm voice, "Molly, you are a very intelligent girl and you could be a very pretty girl if you tried. You don't try because you have been intimidated by your sister and probably jealous of her too. You feel that if you tried to compete with her, you would lose because she is well, ah, more experienced with boys than you are. But you are a smart kid. You know all this and you've worked it out with yourself. How have you figured it in your mind? What are your plans?"

"I see why Julie and Maria are in absolute awe of you." Molly blinked here eyes and looked vulnerable for the first time, her voice was soft, "Holly graduates this year; we'll be going our separate ways."

"And how do you move from this," Billy spread his arms, "The way you look and act now, to what you want to be?"

She held her hands in her lap, her knees pressed together, her head bent over staring at her hands. "That is why I am here; why I had to come here. I'm scared. I'm smart, I know a lot of things but I'm scared. I don't know how to do what I need to do to feel good about myself. I've been a library rat too long. I don't know the way out. You have to help me, please."

"I am helping you, Molly, Julie can help too. Let her help you change, I know she would do anything for you."

Molly looked up at the mirror, her eyes sparkling in the light. "I know you understand. I know Julie will help. But I want you to hold me and…ah, show me, ah, I need to know…I have to know…"

"Molly, I can't, I won't. Have Julie help you dress up, go out on some dates. If you just have to go all the way, use protection, go on the pill. I really would hope you would wait…what are you doing?"

As soon as she heard him say, 'I won't', Molly leaned over and began unlacing a boot.

"Molly, what are you doing, stop that!"

She continued unlacing her boots, her head bent over as she spoke, "If you don't let me in there and at least hold me in your arms and kiss me, I will take this boot and break that mirror and come in there myself!"

Billy was angry. "Molly, you can't break the damned mirror, it won't break and I can close the door in front of it before you could hit it anyway. You can't force your way in here. You said you would come here only to talk. Remember? You made that promise to me. That is the only reason I agreed to talk with you. Now, please, calm down."

She stood up and looked directly into the mirror, her eyes ablaze. "I lied. It was the only way you would let me come here. I am not leaving until I put my arms around you. If I can't break that mirror then I will rip the padding off the wall, I will break the plasterboard or whatever is there. If I still can't get in, I will stay right here until I starve to death or until you try to get me out of here. I am not leaving until I…oh…" Molly stepped back from the mirror. "You don't think I'm pretty, you think I look like a little girl, like a broomstick. I'll show you!"

"Molly, don't; please!"

She unsnapped one suspender then the other, pulled the over-alls down and stepped out of them. She wriggled the T-shirt over her head, glanced at the mirror as she unhooked her brassiere and dropped it to the floor. She put her hands to her waist to remove her underwear when a chuckle came over the speaker.

"Boxer shorts?" Laughed Billy.

"So?" She stepped out of the shorts and stood before him. She undid the watch and held it by a strap, slowly lowering it to the table. Molly ran a hand through her hair, tilted her head in a provocative manner; ran her other hand down her face, across her breasts and to her thigh. She twisted slightly, posing with one foot up on tiptoes, lowered her eyes and ran her tongue across her lips. She stood before the mirror, her small but perfectly formed breasts nippled and up-thrust; her mouth slightly open, nostrils flaring as she breathed, her chest and abdomen pulsing in time to her breathing.

For a moment there was silence.

"My God, Molly, you are gorgeous!" Billy's voice was strangely uneven.

She smiled, "Oh, sure. I got tiny little boobs and mousy hair, not much butt, and I'm more than an inch under five feet tall. Not bad, maybe, but gorgeous? Not even in my dreams," she said wistfully.

"You really don't know? No one has ever told you how marvelous you look?"

"With Holly, a real beauty around all the time? My folks were just happy I didn't have warts on my nose or something. Holly's gorgeous; I'm just, okay. I have mirrors; I can see myself. I know what's beautiful and what's not, I'm not."

"Molly, Molly, Molly…you are a very smart girl, do you know what symmetry means? Of course you do. You are the definition of the word. Every physical feature on your body is exactly where it should be. The right size, the right shape, the right color, from your tiny waist to your delicate ankles. If I were to try to create a perfect female body, I would create you. Your eyes! Step forward please, just a little, yes, yes, there! You have almost purple eye color. I thought so a moment ago. I have never seen a more beautiful woman, ah, girl, than you. You are truly lovely!"

Molly smiled and tilted her head slightly. Her arms were back and her chest up, her back arched, her eyes staring into the mirror.

"Well, then, if I'm so perfect and so gorgeous, why not just open the…ohh…" She gasped as the door that had covered the mirror slid back, the lights went out and she heard the sound of another door sliding and then silence.

"Put your hands out and lift your foot as you step into the room, it's a little higher."

Molly blinked rapidly and moved her head searching for any source of light; there was none. It was totally black. Her heart pounded and her breath came in gasps but she moved forward arms extended, slowly raising her foot each time until she felt the slightly higher surface. She twitched when the door hissed behind her and stopped breathing when her hand brushed a hand that closed around hers.

"It's okay…slow your breathing, take deep breaths…you're all right." He found her other hand and led her a few steps into the room.

Molly squeezed her eyes closed, fought to slow her breathing that peaked with the darkness, his touch, and the sudden realization that she had gotten what she had asked for.

"Your hands are shaking. I'll open the door and let you out, Molly."

"No…I'm not frightened, ah…I'm, a, well, I guess I've been thinking about this for weeks and I didn't know if it was going to happen and then I knew it wasn't, then I thought it might and then it did. I just need to let me catch up with myself for a minute."

They stood, facing each other, holding hands two arm lengths apart as Molly's breathing slowed and her heart stopped trying to jump out of her chest.

"Do you really think I am pretty or did you just say that to make me feel better?"

"Molly, you are the most beautiful young woman I have ever seen. May I touch your face?"

"Sure, if you want to."

Molly's whole body thrilled as Billy put both hands behind her head and ran his fingers through her long soft hair, along her scalp and to her forehead. He spoke as his hands explored her face, softly, gently, pausing and coming back and moving on. "An artist couldn't create hair that frames your face so perfectly. I don't think you have ever changed your eyebrows, they amplify the size and shape of your eyes naturally, and your eyes, your beautiful deep colored eyes that mirror a mind that is so sharp, so crisp, so curious…"

Billy paused and lowered his arms as Molly brought her hands up, touching his elbows and moving to his forearm. "You really mean it, you weren't just saying it, I can feel it in your touch, you really think my face is pretty…ohh…"

Molly held her breath as he lowered his head and placed his lips gently on her forehead and then moved slowly with soft, gentle kisses covering her cheeks and ears, her nose and chin. Molly's breath started coming in rapid intakes as she grasped his forearm tighter. She pulled her head back. "Julie said I should hold on tight when you kissed me. What did she mean by that? What should I hold on to?"




Billy Ch. 03



Stuart returns to Denver where his life is about to change once again. 

Edited by Lady Cibelle with my thanks.

Part 3

From Denver to Pittsburgh

I returned to Denver the following day and for the next three weeks, my job and my life such as it was took my mind off my father's death and my reconnection with Billy. I thought about her on the plane back and for several days afterwards, I couldn't get the changes out of my mind. I also couldn't get the way she looked and talked and smelled out of my mind either. But I convinced myself that I had to put her out of my mind. I was mostly successful until the meeting with Ryan Erinson on Friday, a month after my father's funeral. Ryan had flown in from Pittsburgh just to meet with me. I assumed it was about the promotion he had hinted at and I was excited at the possibilities.

We met that evening at Mario's, a restaurant that I knew Ryan liked. At least he always made reservations there when he came to town for a meeting. We started in the bar and had a couple of drinks to relax. I could hold my liquor fairly well and so could Ryan, but this evening we were called for our table quickly and we sat down to dinner. Ryan was not one to talk business when food was present so I relaxed and had a thick juicy steak with baked potato and a vegetable dish that went mostly untouched. The steak was excellent and I enjoyed it while Ryan polished off a nice lobster tail with drawn butter. We both quit with comfortably filled bellies.

"I wish we had this place back in Pittsburgh. The food here is absolutely the best and one of the main reasons I have so many meetings here in Denver. I think you're going to miss it when you come back to Pittsburgh."

I caught the inference immediately. I had worked with Ryan long enough to know that he did this quite often: threw in the main topic while talking about something entirely different.

"Am I going to be in Pittsburgh then?"

"You are if you take my job as I intend."

Now I was shocked. I expected a promotion to executive VP and maybe a board seat, but not Ryan Erinson's job. Not President of the company! There was no position higher than Ryan's unless it was the Chairman of the Board and that was more of a non-voting position. He had to be kidding.

"What are you talking about? I can't take your job while you're still here. Come on Ryan, what's the joke?"

"No joke. I'm retiring at the end of the month. I've tendered my resignation and the board has accepted it. I recommended you for the position and the board also accepted that too. It's yours if you want it. Effective the end of this month. Three weeks from now."

He was grinning as he leaned back with both hands crossed over his ample belly. He knew he had surprised me since we had talked about a promotion several times but never this. Never this!

"I don't know what to say except: Hell yes! Of course I'll accept. Damn you Ryan, how could you do this to me? You really enjoyed this didn't you? God, I'm completely floored by this. I'll have to find a replacement; I'll have to move back to Pittsburgh; find a new place to live, and. . . . I'm babbling aren't I?"

"That's OK. I know this is a complete surprise but you handled it very well. Just as you do everything else. With your dad's death, I had to postpone it for a while to give you time to recover but now: Congratulations! You've worked hard and you've earned it. The board was unanimous in accepting your name."

We talked for some time about the changeover and what was involved. I asked about my successor and he suggested I offer it to Mark Fletcher. I told him I would consider it but in my heart I knew I wouldn't. I had never forgiven Mark and I had no intention of doing so now. He had done an outstanding job where he was and he deserved consideration but now that I was President, he would go no further. I looked forward to telling him that when I took the job. Petty? Yes! But damn, it felt good to keep the promise I made to myself at the time.

Ryan left the next day and I set about making the necessary changes. I spoke first to Paula and asked her if she would like the job as Executive Secretary for the President of the whole damn company. I won't go into detail except to say she accepted the position. Otherwise things were easy to set up since I knew my people and knew who could do the jobs that needed filled. By the second week, I had things in Denver in good shape and was ready to go. I decided to take a week off and fly back to Pittsburgh. I could use the time to look for a place to live and finish some of the things from the funeral I had left behind when I returned. Paula decided to come with me and we left Denver behind.

I decided not to visit the offices that week since it would be nothing but congratulations and hand shaking. I needed the time away to get my mind around the changes in location and what it would mean. It was a major move for me since I had left under stressful conditions. Now, returning, things were more in control but memories were still able to intrude and take me by surprise at times. I decided to do first things first and look for a place to live.

I contacted a realtor and spent two days just driving around and finding the areas I wanted to consider. We found several that seemed appropriate. I had little interest in a house except as a place to sleep but the realtor knew my job and wanted to show me places that were suitable for an executive and one who would be entertaining. I tried to tell her that wasn't likely to happen but she simply told me to get my wife and let her do the selecting. Entertaining would be her job and she would know what she wanted.

The mention of my wife hit me hard. I had not thought of Billy now for the last several weeks as I was fully occupied with the upcoming move. Now, this inconsiderate bitch brought her back! But the more I thought of it, the more the idea of using Billy to help me pick a place seemed like a good one. The old Billy would know at a glance what I should buy. I made up my mind to ask her and I told the realtor I would talk to a lady friend tomorrow to set up some visits. With that, I drove back to my hotel and called Billy.

"Hello?"

"Hello Billy. It's Stuart. Do you have a moment?"

Silence from the other end. I wondered if my call had been disconnected just as she answered.

"Hello Stu. I'm sorry, I was just surprised. I didn't expect to hear from you again so soon. Are you calling from Denver?"

"No actually I'm here in Pittsburgh. It's a long story but I was wondering if you have some time to help me with something."

"Of course I'll be glad to help. What do you need?"

"I need to buy a house. My realtor seems to think I need a woman's perspective since she thinks I'll be entertaining a lot."

"Buy a house? Where? Not here certainly. You don't come to Pittsburgh that often do you?"

"No Billy. I've been offered the job as President of Allied Windings. It's Ryan's job. I've accepted it and I'll be moving to Pittsburgh permanently."

I heard a little squeal of delight and than "Oh my God! Stuart! I'm so happy for you. It's your dream job, the one you've always wanted. And now it's yours? Congratulations honey!"

My stomach did a flip-flop. Honey! She called me honey! It was probably a reflex but why did it hit me so hard?

"Yes, well, so I ah. . . I'd like you to help me pick a place. I really need a woman's perspective. I've looked at a lot of places and there are some very nice ones but I'd really appreciate it if you could give me your opinion. Would you do that? Can you get off work tomorrow?"

"School's out for the summer Stu. I'm not working right now. And yes, I would love to help you pick a place."

Good. I'll pick you up tomorrow about 9:00. Is that OK?"

"I'll be ready. Goodbye."

Well I've done it now. I had no idea of what would happen but I've made the first move.

Billy was ready when I pulled up at her townhouse right at 9:00. She was standing out in front, dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt, both loose and plain. She had on sneakers and her hair was brushed to its usual shine. She looked gorgeous to me.

"Ready for this? We have four houses to see and the realtor will meet us at the first one. It's a large two story with five bedrooms and five baths. I have no idea what I would do with five bathrooms but I promised her I would look."

She pulled the car door shit and said, "It sounds like fun. Let's get to it."

We found the first house with the instructions from the realtor and it was in an upscale neighborhood. All the houses around it were large and pretentious. Without going in, I already didn't like it and I could tell from the look on Billy's face that she didn't either. I told her to wait while I talked to the realtor. After a few frustrating minutes she nodded and I walked back to the car.

"I told her I didn't even want to look at this one. Too big and too much. I'd never want an area like this. Is that alright with you?"

"I agree completely. This isn't you, or at least it wasn't. I don't know if you've changed that much in the last five years. You're a big important man now and things might be different."

"I haven't changed that much. Let's see what the next one is like."

At the next house, we were at least inclined to look at it. It was still large with over 5000 square feet of living space, most of which I would never see. But at least we looked. After a reasonable time we were ready for the next one.

As we pulled up to the third house on the list, I was almost ready to buy it on sight. It was a large rambling ranch house with a beautiful lot, fully landscaped with mature shrubs and trees and blooming plants. It looked like it spread out over a large space and the roof line was multi peaked. The house screamed character from the first.

"This looks interesting. I already like the looks of it from the outside. I can't wait to see inside. I hope we won't be disappointed. How about you?"

All I got was a nod yes. Billy had not said a word from the minute I pulled up. I wasn't sure what to make of that but I got out and walked around to open her door. She did get out and stood looking at the house, still without speaking. The realtor pulled in and went to the front door, unlocking it and opening it wide. The door was double with both sides opening and the impression was one of welcome.

We walked together up to the front, paused to admire the entrance and then entered. The foyer was open to the main room and the impression was of wide open space. I could see the back yard through the back wall that was all glass. It overlooked a pool and a beautifully landscaped back. There was a small but nicely designed pool house and it faced a hot tub that emptied into the pool. This was the heat source for the pool.

Billy walked slowly into the great room, stood looking around and then without a sound walked into the hallway leading off to the left. There were four bedrooms down that hall with each having its own bath. I looked into the first one but just moved back to the glass wall where I could admire the pool and the deck. I did find a wet bar in the great room that caused me to stop and admire for several minutes. As I prepared to move outside, Billy came back and walked straight ahead to the right and into the kitchen. I followed her in. It was huge with a large center island topped by a drop down pot and pan rack. The appliances were all stainless steel and the overall appearance was of the control room of an ocean going vessel. 

Past that was a large den/family room with a big screen TV and several game pieces. I saw a pool table, an air hockey table and several other pieces. On one side was a card table set up for any card game one could think of. I was beginning to believe I had found my house. I looked for Billy but didn't see her.

I walked back to the foyer where the realtor was standing, talking on her cell.

"Did you see the lady? Did she leave?"

"Yes she did. She went out to the car and she said to let you know she was there. How do you like this one? It's a great house, a good price and the owners will sell it furnished or empty. They can be out in one week if you want and they are motivated to sell. All you have to do is make a strong offer and we can close this deal."

"I like the house but I want to discuss it with my lady friend first. There's no reason to see any more. Can I call you later today? I'll probably be ready to make an offer."

"Wonderful! I'll start on the paperwork and we can fill in the money when we meet later. You've made a good choice. This area is great and very quiet. The association is very reasonable and leaves the owners alone for the most part. Just reasonable things like landscaping and road care."

"Fine. I'll call you later then. Goodbye and thanks for all your help."

I went outside and saw Billy standing by the car with her back to me. I walked quickly toward her not knowing what was wrong. Why had she left without a word to me? As I came closer, she must have heard me and turned with a smile, but I could see that she had been crying. She tried to cover it but it was clear. Her eyes were still bright with unshed tears.

"Billy! What's wrong? Are you ill? Is something the matter? Please, I'm so sorry that I was distracted. I'll take you home right away."

"No, no Stuart. It's nothing. I'm fine. Please don't be concerned."

I opened the door and waited as she slid in. I carefully shut the door and walked around to the driver's side. I was not going to budge until I found out what the problem was. If she wasn't sick or ill, why the tears? Once in the car, I turned to her and asked,

"OK, talk to me. What's wrong? It can't be the house because I know you liked it, so tell me. We're not going anywhere until you do."

Billy wiped her eyes with a handkerchief and leaned back against the headrest, a habit she had when she was angry or disturbed about something. It seemed that some habits were hard to break,

"The house was absolutely perfect for you. It has everything you will need to entertain and it is a house that is made for living. If you can get it furnished, the previous owners had very good taste. It is wonderfully decorated and I wouldn't change a thing."

"If it's perfect why did it upset you so?"

"Because it represents everything I threw away. If I hadn't been so selfish and cruel, I would have been looking at our house. Instead it is yours and I have no part of it."

She looked stricken and I reached for her but she backed away.

"I'm sorry! This isn't right. Please, forget what I said and take me home, please."

What that, she began to sob. Deep heart wrenching sobs of despair. I didn't know what to say or do other than to let her cry herself out. I understood what she said and I knew now that she was deeply sorry for her past life. While I saw the changes in her as positive, she saw only what she had lost.

After she had calmed down enough to let me know she was going to be OK, I took her home. I walked her to her door and waited until she assured me she was fine. When the door closed, I just stood there for several minutes thinking of the pain she was in. I wondered now how I could feel sadness for her when five years ago this would have given me such pleasure. I guess time does heal all wounds. I turned and drove back to my hotel.

Other than one phone call the next day to see if she was OK, I didn't talk to or see Billy again for the next three weeks. I had my hands full getting into the job and getting my hands on the reins of the business. And I thought that Billy needed the time away from me and the painful memories I evoked. Actually, I found that this job was far less demanding than my previous one and Paula, who already had things figured out, took control. I guess what they say is true: the higher you climb, the less you have to do. The only fly in the ointment was having to see Mark on an everyday basis.

He came in to congratulate me and welcome me back. I was now his boss in all ways and he knew it. He still stopped to ask Paula if he could see me and she continued to give him a hard time about it. She enjoyed it and so did I. As always, I had him leave the door open and our meeting was strictly business as it had been since that day almost five years ago.

Two weeks later, I invited Mark and a young man named Philip Waterman into my office to tell them that I was promoting Philip to take my position in Denver. Philip was younger than Mark and Mark had trained him when he came in. There was no question in either my or Mark's mind that Phil was good but not as good as Mark. This was the payback I had been waiting for. I wanted Mark to know that the decision to promote Phil over him was mine and mine alone. When I announced it, Mark gave me a long hard look but turned to congratulate Phil on his promotion. Phil would be relocating to Denver and Mark would stay just as he had for the past five or six years.

When Phil left, Mark asked to stay behind to speak to me. I agreed and actually let him close the office door. He came back in and remained standing.

"This is payback isn't it? This is the other shoe dropping. I knew that you were going to do something but not this. I thought that I had done a good job for you. I have given you and this company all I had. Apparently it wasn't enough to make you forget."

"No, I didn't forget. The one thing I prize above all else is loyalty. I always believed you were loyal and my friend. When you showed me I was wrong, I held my anger and my retribution all this time. But now, when it matters the most to you, I saw my opportunity. You are much better and more deserving than Phil. But he gets the job, not you."

"Is that fair to the company? How can you give him the job that I earned when you know the results will not be as good? How can you still hate me that much?"

"It's not hate. I never felt much at all for you after I found you with Billy that day. I even promoted you once and I've worked with you for the past five years and I've given you nothing but cooperation. Your raises have been based on your excellent performance. There was no hate: just the knowledge that you let me down and betrayed me. I won't give you the opportunity to do it again, because I believe that if an opportunity arose and you could benefit from it, you would betray me. That's all it is. So, Philip may fail and if he does, I'll replace him."

"That's not true and I think you know it. I kept my promise to you. I never spoke to Billy again after you left. We've never seen each other and I'm married now with a new baby. I've moved on and I've regretted what I did every time I see you. But it happened and I explained it to you at the time. I loved Billy but she didn't love me. She loved you but she was also a selfish person who used me to punish you and I let her. I never thought of it as a betrayal of you, but that's what you saw and for that, I'm sorry."

"Just do your job if you want to stay, or leave. I don't really care. I don't care what your reasons were. It makes no difference. Betrayal is the same regardless of the motivation and the pain to the person betrayed is the same regardless of the reason. That is the price you have to pay for what you did. It is your misfortune that I'm now in a position to exact that price."

Mark looked at me and saw the determination in my eyes. He shook his head as if in denial but finally turned and walked out of the office. I found the revenge that I had taken to be a hollow victory, absent any pleasure or satisfaction. But it was something I needed to do for my own preservation. Maybe now I could get on with my life without thinking about Mark and revenge.

I had been on the job for just over three months when I decided to have a party to gather together all of the top executives and their significant others to allow me to meet them. I had the perfect home for it, the weather was perfect and the pool was open and ready for people. In a few months, cooler weather would set in and it would go to waste. Now was the perfect time.




Billy Ch. 03



I asked Paula to hire a caterer for the food, talked to the HR director about the invitation list and asked him to put the invitations out, checked with the local association about any restrictions I needed to worry about and set the date for two weeks later. I asked Paula to coordinate the RSVPs and let me know the final count. She was excited about it since she knew a lot of the people who would be there. She was actually quite proprietary about the whole thing so I asked her to take over. 

At home that evening I considered what I was going to do. I could ask Paula to act as hostess but a thought entered my mind. I went to the computer and looked up hostess responsibilities. One thing I found was that a hostess could be a professional person, a good friend or an associate. All were appropriate for someone in my position: single, highly placed and living alone. There was no requirement that the hostess be part of the company and her job would be to host the party and see to the guests. That was what I wanted to know. 

Still, I thought about it and worried it to death for the next several days but the date for the party was getting close. I was sitting by the pool one evening after an easy day at work, having completed my ten laps and I was idly thinking. While all the arrangements were in place, I still needed a hostess. I finally decided to go for it and damn the consequences. It was still early so I pulled out my cell and dialed.

"Hello?"

I hadn't talked to Billy since that time with the house. I had been trying to forget her again but without much success. 

"Hi Billy. It's Stuart. How are you? Busy?" 

"No actually I was just finishing up a few dishes. How have you been Stu? Did you buy the house?"

"Yes I did and I moved in six weeks ago. I went furnished as you recommended and everything is perfect. I'm sitting by the pool now and it's great."

"I envy you. It's just hot here and our pool has ten thousand screaming kids in it. Too many for a poor teacher to take. After work is away from kids, not down among them."

"Well that's part of why I called. I'm having a party next weekend for the senior executives and their spouses or significant others I think they're called now. I have all details arranged: food, invitations, seats and tables and all that but I still need a hostess. Would you consider being my hostess? Just to be here, meet the guests, watch over things, in general be my right hand? You were always so good at it and I know you would be perfect. Would you consider doing it for me?"

There was no sound from the other end. As I waited I thought that maybe I had gone too far. Maybe she would see this as a slap in the face, or a way to rub her face in what she had lost. This might have been a huge mistake and I had really hurt her without thinking. I had to give her an out.

"Billy, I'm sorry. Maybe this was a bad idea. I didn't mean to hit you with this. I didn't think of how you would feel about it and I should have. I'm so stupid! Please, forgive me. I'm such an idiot! I'm so sorry."

"Stuart, wait please! No, it's alright. I was just surprised that you would think of me for your hostess. I would be honored to do it. I would love to host your party. I loved the house and it would give me a chance to see it again and to see some of your friends and coworkers. Yes, I would love to do it for you."

I breathed a sigh of relief. I was pleased, more so than I expected. As a matter of fact, I was very pleased.

"Great. Why don't you come over now and we can discuss it. Bring your suit and you can hit the pool or at least the hot tub. It's really great. You'll love it. I remember you always loved to swim."

As I hung up, I found myself waiting anxiously for her to arrive. It would be fun to share the house with her since she had found it so wonderful. To me it was a nice house but to her it was something more. An arrival and an expression of my success. I didn't think of it that way but so what.

I went inside to wait for her while I fixed some sandwiches and cold beers. I took the food outside to the small refrigerator that sat beside the built-in grill. Presumptuous, but so was the whole damn house! At least it was good for something.

When Billy arrived, I led her outside to the pool and showed her the food and drinks. I suggested she hit the pool first and I would join her. She agreed and moved over to one of the chairs and began to remove her jeans and top. Underneath she had on a one piece suit that covered almost everything. It was cut up the thigh a little but not too much. The back was open but the front was less revealing. Still, from what I could see, Billy had gotten better with time. She was leaner, trimmer and well tanned. It was clear she worked out and the definition in her legs and shoulders would give any man thoughts. While she wore her clothes cut on the loose side, her bathing suit revealed more. I preferred the suit.

She dove in and swam with strong strokes across the pool and back. She tossed her head and her hair shed water like a duck. She laughed and leaned back as she let go of the side. She swam for the next ten minutes while I sat and admired her skill. She always loved the water and she hadn't lost that. I finally joined her and we swam companionably for a while until she began to tire. As we swam over to the side, I suggested we hit the hot tub to warm up and loosen tired muscles. She agreed and we sat down across from each other.

"I'm glad you asked me over. But I admit I am surprised that you would want me to host your party. I'm thrilled that you asked me but confused as to your motivation. What are you doing Stu? Why are you being nice to me? I really want to know."

"Actually it's very simple. We had our problems but they're in the past. I always thought of you as my best friend as well as my wife. Now, I would still like to be friends. I don't have many close friends here and I haven't met many people. Honestly, I don't get out much so I don't have much of a chance to meet people. So, I'm taking advantage of you for my own purposes. I hope you don't mind."

"I don't mind at all. I'm glad you want to be friends. I've missed you. I don't get out much anymore myself so I have just a few friends, mostly teachers I work with. I have one girl friend, Penny Rutger, that I spend most of my time with. She's younger but a lot of fun. We go out to movies and plays together and she seems to like the same things I do."

"That's good. Why don't you invite her to the party? She could be there for you and maybe meet some nice people. I think there will be several bachelors there so maybe she could get lucky."

"I will. Now, can we eat and then you can show me the rest of the house. I didn't get much of a chance to see it all the last time."

We dried off and sat down at the table where we ate a lot of the sandwiches and drank most of the beer. I admit I enjoyed being with her. She was so different than I remembered and the difference was very appealing. I lost track of time before she reminded me of the tour.

We went inside and I showed her the whole house, she making comments while I watched proudly. She loved the master bedroom and the huge tub and built in shower. She moved to the great room and then to the kitchen where she took the time to examine all of the appliances and the setup. We moved to the office wing of the house passing through the family room and den with the play room. She walked out the back door to the small patio and then she went back across the yard to the sliding doors leading back inside to the great room. As she completed the tour she just nodded her head.

"OK I've got the layout now. I would like to meet with the caterer soon to see the menu and how they want to set up. Would that be OK?"

"Of course, but please, I just wanted you to be there with me. I didn't mean for you to have to work. I'm sorry you misunderstood."

"I didn't misunderstand. This is just what a good hostess does. If it were my party I would do the same thing."

"Well, actually Paula is handling a lot of it. She moved back here with me and she's now my executive secretary. She doesn't work hard either. We both have it pretty easy."

"Great! I'll call Paula tomorrow. I can work with her if it's OK with you."

"It's fine with me. I'll let her know you'll be calling."

Billy asked if she could use the shower and I agreed telling her that there were some clean towels in the linen closet in the bathroom. She went in and soon I could hear the water running and I imagined Billy naked in the shower before I caught myself. What the hell was I doing? This was my ex-wife, the woman that cheated on me and tore my heart out! I had to remember that.

As I mentally chastised myself, I found a part of me asking another question. If she were my ex-wife, then what was wrong with thinking of her as an attractive woman? No wife, no ties, no conditions. She couldn't cheat on me since we were no longer married and she couldn't hurt me if I looked at her as simply a beautiful woman that I might like to make love to. She was an attractive woman who looked very good in a swimsuit. And she was in my shower, naked.

I stood up and walked outside to watch the sun set. These thoughts were simply not appropriate and I had to stop thinking them. Why? What did it hurt? 

As I was trying to make myself remember the bad times and failing miserably, Billy walked out the door and stood beside me.

"It's really beautiful here Stu. I'm so glad you bought this place. I love it."

I turned to look at her. Her hair was wet and slicked back, her makeup was gone and her face had that just scrubbed look. She was a beautiful woman and the lack of makeup couldn't detract from that. She had a peaceful smile on her face and it was too much for me to bear. I turned to her, put my hands on her shoulders and pulled her to me. As I looked into her eyes, I could see them cloud with uncertainty. She was trying to find the words she wanted to say but before she could, I kissed her.

I felt her stiffen as my lips caressed hers. She had both hands on my chest as if to push me away but there was no pressure. Instead, I felt her arms relax to allow her body to come against mine. I tightened my grip on her and pulled her tightly against me as I increased the intensity of the kiss. My tongue searched for an opening and suddenly found it. She opened her lips with a moan as she put her arms around my neck and pulled me down to deepen the kiss. Our tongues were now dancing with each other as we searched for that passion we once shared.

I pressed my erection against her stomach and she had to feel its urgency. The kiss was now more demanding and my grip was holding her tightly against me as my hands began to move down her back and over her firm behind. As I cupped her butt to pull her against me, she began to resist. I tried to overcome her resistance at first until my mind overcame my body's needs. With a curse, I pulled back and let her go.

"I'm sorry! That was unforgivable. I'm so damned sorry. Please, you deserve better from me. If you want to back out of the party, I'll understand. I'm sorry."

"Stuart, no! You have nothing to be sorry about! I wanted nothing more than for you to want me, but not this way. This is simply lust and I encouraged it. I'm the one who's sorry. I'll leave. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Thank you for a wonderful evening."

With that, she was gone. I just stood there stupidly, trying to understand what had just happened. Was she right? Was it just lust and brought on by her actions? No way. That's not what it was. That's what I had to think about. Something had happened and I wasn't sure what it was.

I had a sleepless night as I tossed and turned, trying to get hold of my feelings and my desires. It had been a while since I had been with a woman and maybe it was nothing more than that. A beautiful woman in a sexy bathing suit swimming in my pool on a beautiful evening. That was enough to make any man hot. That's what it was. Sure it was. Than why did it stop when she started to resist? Because she wasn't just a quick lay or a one night stand. This was Billy! No longer my wife but a woman I used to love.

Nothing was making sense. I finally got up just at dawn and went outside to sit and watch the sky lighten with the promise of another beautiful day. I considered a quick swim but decided against it. I didn't want to think about Billy diving into the pool, her blond hair shining and her face glowing with the bracing feel of the water. I didn't want to think of her graceful strokes or the way her suit followed the curves of her hips and breasts. I didn't want to think of her sitting in the hot tub, her breasts pushing against the suit and granting me a wonderful view. I didn't want to think of any of those things but I did.

I went in, fixed coffee and got dressed. I would go in to work early and try to get some things done. There was nothing that I needed to do but maybe I could find something.

At work the first thing I did was review the party list. HR had done a nice job with the invitations and RSVP list that Paula left on my desk showed an almost perfect turnout. Of course, since I was the boss, how many were going to refuse an invitation. As they say, 'It's good to be the king' So, we had approximately fifty people coming. Not bad. I was still reviewing the names, trying to see how many I could recognize when Paula came in. She was surprised to see me in that early but she simply raised her eyebrows and went for coffee.

"Here's your coffee. Can I ask why you were in so early? Problems I don't know about?"

"No problems. I just couldn't sleep. Nothing to worry about. And oh, by the way, Billy will be calling you today about the party."

Paula stopped fussing with her coffee cup and gave me a long look. I felt like a small child about to be quizzed on what I did wrong.

"Your Billy? And why would Billy be calling me about the party?"

"Well, I asked her to play hostess for me. She accepted. She wanted to know something about the caterer so I told her that you had been doing most of the work. I didn't want to ask you to be hostess so I asked Billy."

"You asked Billy to be your hostess? At your house? How did you think to ask her? I didn't know you even saw her since you were back in town."

"I saw her at pop's funeral and then I asked her for help in finding a house to buy. Since she knew the area better, I didn't think it would be a bad idea to get someone local."

"So your ex-wife helped you pick out your new house and she's going to be your hostess? And you just asked her to help you as a friend?"

"Yes, exactly! As a friend. She's changed a lot since our divorce. I thought it would be good if we could be friends again. You'll see, she's different now. You'll like her."

"I always liked Billy. It was too bad what she did but I still liked her. I didn't much care for Mark, but I liked Billy. She was a good person even if she did do a bad thing."

"Well good, then you won't mind working with her."

"Not at all. Not at all."

With that she walked away humming to herself. And during the morning I saw her smiling a lot. Maybe she was happy with the help. I guess I had given her a lot to do. But I thought no more about it until Paula buzzed me to tell me Billy was on the other line. I had forgotten she was going to call but I felt a small glow of pleasure when Paula told me.

"Hi there. Did you and Paula get things straightened out?"

"She's a real jewel. She had everything planned out and there's nothing left for me to do but be there. She emailed me the menu and the attendance list so I'll have that. It's really a done deal and all I have to do is greet your guests."

"Great. I bet Paula really appreciated the help. I keep forgetting how much I'm asking of you two. I just get to stand around and look important while you two do all the work. It's a great job I've got, you have to admit."

"It certainly is. Stuart, about last night. I wanted to make sure you knew that you weren't at fault. I don't want you to think you had done anything wrong. It was me, that's all."

"No, I was out of line. I just forgot for a minute. You were there and you looked so beautiful that I think I just reacted inappropriately. It won't happen again. I promise."

"Well, I'm not so sure that I like that last part. But it's forgotten. We can be friends and that's all I've hoped for. I appreciate your giving me a chance to be your friend again. I hope I've changed for the better."

Before I could say anything else, she said a quick goodbye and hung up. I held the phone, just looking at it for a minute. When she hung up, I felt a sudden emptiness. I put the phone down just as Paula came in. She pulled the door closed and sat down in the chair at the side of the desk where she sat when she was taking dictation.

"Stuart, I hope you know what you're doing. You know that Billy still loves you as much as ever don't you? She really screwed up but that didn't change that part of her. We talked a little but she's convinced herself that you two can be friends without any further involvement. I think that's a little unrealistic and I want you to think very carefully. You can hurt her this time, where before it was you that was vulnerable. The shoe's on the other foot now."

"Paula, I'm just trying to find a way for us to be friends and to put the hurt behind us. I never stopped loving Billy but now it's just as a friend. She knows that and we can handle it that way. We'll be fine. Just good friends."

Paula gave a big sigh and got up to look out the window. My view was pretty spectacular. It looked out toward the downtown area and I had a good view of boat house row and the art museum. Rocky would have approved. She seemed to be struggling with something but she finally turned and smiled.

"Well, you're both grownups now so I'll just butt out. Just promise me you'll take care?"

"You have my word. Now go home. It's past time."

As Paula left, I wondered. Was I moving toward heartbreak and trouble again? Could I just take care as she asked? Had I forgiven Billy? Mark? I knew in my heart that the answer was no. I hadn't forgiven them. Well then, just look at it as a fling with a good looking woman who also happened to be an ex-wife and just have fun! I could do that.

Couldn't I?



Billy Ch. 03



Billy chuckled, "So you and Julie talked? Well, you get a kiss and then you are out of here." Billy moved his mouth to her neck and took the softness between his lips. Molly moved her head back and her hand found it's way to the back of his head. His hands held her arms just below the shoulders as he kissed around her neck to her ear and brushed her lips. She opened her lips to kiss him but he kissed the edge of her mouth and brushed her lips again. He took her lower lip in his and pulled, then placed his lips on hers as she opened her mouth slightly. He moistened her lips as his hands left her shoulders and moved slowly across her back and down. He moved his lips against hers, changing the shape and the contact with her lips until they were softly locked together. He breathed in slowly and pulled air from her mouth until she breathed through her nose and exhaled into his mouth. As the kiss went on, she put both hands behind his head and pulled him down to her. Suddenly she broke away, gasping for breath, holding tightly on to him. He lowered his head and took her breast in his mouth as she pushed her chest against his face and pulled his head down against her. He moved to her other breast, loosening his pants with one hand and slowly moved his other hand down and touched her. She opened her legs as he touched and caressed and slipped a finger inside her, flung her arms around his neck and pulled herself up on him, her legs around his waist He put his hands behind her hips and lifted her to him and entered her thrusting up as she pushed down.

He dropped to his knees, twisted and bore her down on the padded floor as she clung to him with her arms and legs. He thrust hard and fast again and again as she cried out and pushed back and lifted her hips and dug her fingers in his back as he moved harder and faster against her. She cried out and let her head fall back as he lifted her hips off the floor with the force of his thrust, hoarse sounds came from his throat; there was a strangled groan, he thrust again and yet again with a choking sob as he collapsed on her and they lay quiet except for the gasping for air and the pounding hearts that slowly quieted. It was a long few moments before either tried to speak.

"Oh, Molly, I'm so sorry, I…"

"Shhh…got to…catch…my breath…don't talk…just hold me…"

They lay quiet until Molly took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She kept her legs wrapped around him but moved her hands to his head, pushing him gently between her breasts.

"I couldn't have dreamed it would be like that," she said quietly, "I know what you were going to say, you don't have to be sorry. Gee, none of the books said making love was all this sweaty! I'm drenched, so are you." She ran her hands up and down his back and across his shoulders, "Well, first of all it was just going to be a kiss. Then you were going to say that you had thought to, 'gently introduce', me to the joys of physical contact by caressing me softly, kissing me lightly, touching me with sensitivity and making sure I was well lubricated before you slowly entered me and would only proceed if I was comfortable and willing. You were then going to prolong the intercourse until such time as I could possibly experience a climax or an orgasm and then carefully reach a climax yourself. That's what you were gonna say and do, right?

"So, what happened, dear Mr. Billy? You just blew the top of my head off. I almost passed out or maybe did for a few seconds. I had an orgasm; that not only made the earth move, the whole damned universe shuddered! Not only that, but you are somewhat bigger than my poor little banana and it hurt like hell and I'll probably never walk right again and it's all your fault. So whadayah say about that, huh?"

Billy started laughing as she reached the end of her outburst. He grabbed her roughly but playfully and rolled over, placing her on top of him. "Next time you do all the work and I'll just hang on and squeak."

"I didn't squeak! I was making love sounds. Was I really making sounds?"

Billy ran his hands over her back. "You sure did. Molly, I wasn't going to let it happen at all and then I really did want to be gentle with you. But I could see your perfect tiny body in my mind and your skin is so soft and everywhere I touched you, you responded, not just responded, but it felt like you wanted more and more and I, Molly, I lost control. I'm sorry I hurt you. You know how hard I tried not to let this happen."

"Dearest Billy, whoever you are, you told me I was beautiful. No one ever said that before and if they had, I wouldn't have believed them. But when you touched my face and kissed my face, I knew you meant it. I knew you believed it. I knew that in your eyes I was beautiful and I was happy. I could have left this room then and gone about my life knowing I could match up to anyone.

"And then you kissed me, oh, God, did you kiss me! I never thought a simple kiss could set my soul on fire. No wonder Julie said to hold on. My knees turned to rubber, I couldn't think, I couldn't remember how to breathe, my whole body was on fire, my skin was so sensitive I felt like I was in a field of electricity with sparks flying, an aura of stimulation surrounded me. My mind went blank and my body took over.

"You can blame yourself if you want to, but it was me. When you kissed my breast, I wanted you to eat it; I wanted my whole chest in your mouth. When you put your hand between my legs, I was wondering why you had waited so long. When you came into me, I felt you try to come in slowly and I was angry with you, I wanted it all, right now. And when I was on my back, my arms and legs around you and you were pushing inside me, I wanted you to push harder and faster. I had an orgasm when you first came into me. I had another when we were down and you were on top of me. I had another one the first time you pushed really hard and I can't even describe what I felt when you cried out and pushed hard again and again and again and, Oh, God, Billy, I want you inside me again. Billy?"

As Molly describe what she had felt, Billy was running his hands up and down her back, feeling the smoothness of her skin, her waist, the full rise of her hips, the softness of her stomach as he brought his hands up her sides to the softness of her breasts flattened against his chest. He moved his hands to her neck and the tangle of her hair and felt his loins stir again.

He rolled her over and came between her open legs, kissed her neck and pressed his lips to hers as she opened her mouth to him. The kiss moved quickly from gentle, to fast and probing and ravenous and consuming. She dug her fingers into his back and felt him respond by forcing her legs even wider and plunging into her hard and deep. She groaned and sank her teeth into his neck and as he slammed against her, her legs came up and surrounded him again. She met him until she could no longer and took his passion until he gasped and fell on her. They lay panting and sweating and oblivious in each other's arms.

"The books said that is not possible. The male can't have another erection and another ejaculation in that short a time." Molly gasped out the words.

Billy started to move to the side.

"Don't leave me. I want you inside me, even a little bit. Is it always this way with you…ah, I mean…is it always this good?"

He didn't answer right away, "Molly, I was married for quite a while. We had a very good relationship. It seems almost like a betrayal but, ahh, I have never had loving as good as we just did. I don't understand, I loved her with all…"

"Oh, Billy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I don't know anything, I just know it was wonderful with you and frightening because I never had such intense feelings before. Please, don't be sad."

Billy didn't respond and Molly remained silent.

"What is it, Billy. What are you thinking about?

He answered slowly, "A little guilt, I think. I didn't want this to happen."

"I meant it. I was not going to leave. Really, you would have had to drag me away." 

Billy smiled and kissed her neck and rolled to her side. "Sweet Molly, what am I going to do with you? You are young in years, and I should fell guilty for taking advantage of you, but, damn, everything about you gives me pleasure."

"Billy?"

"Yes, Molly?"

"I don't know anything about love, or sex or relationships. I read all those books and looked down on the characters for their irrational acts, their passions and jealousies and hatreds. I thought how stupid to be so wrapped up in loving someone or wanting someone so much that you weren't in control of yourself, of your emotions. But now, oh my God, now I can understand how a woman might kill to hold onto someone like you. I thought I knew a lot and now I think I don't know anything. What am I to do?"


The smile on Billy's face was in his voice, "At your young age…"

"I'm not that damned young!"

"You are, and you know it! You have a ton of time to think about being all grown up. Leave the serious thinking to someone else for a while. Do all the neat things you can do in school, all the things you will remember the rest of your life. Have fun! Tease, date, go to dances and parties and ball games and picnics and fairs and carnivals and have a new boyfriend every week if you want. Just live for a while and enjoy it."

"But I'm not that kind of person, I wouldn't even know how to be that way…ahh, Billy, what are…you doing…?"

Billy had moved slowly down her body, softly kissing her breasts, her belly button, her thighs and even her knees.

She giggled, "What on earth are you doing?"

"I have decided to kiss and touch every square inch of your beautiful delicious body, starting with this big toe and proceeding upwards."

Molly smiled and laid back, quiet, arms and legs asunder, letting his touch invade her soul. Until he moved his mouth above her knees the feeling was pleasant, warming and curious.

"Do you really like my body as much as it seems?"

Billy stopped touching, pulled her legs together and rested his head on her thighs.

"Molly, I don't know if I have the words to tell you how it feels to touch you like I am. I don't have the right to love you this way. The way a man loves the woman that makes his life complete.

"Men are lonely critters deep inside. They don't share emotions easily, they keep a lot inside, not knowing how or even if they should share their thoughts and feelings. The best they can do is to try to possess, by touching and kissing and holding the body, the living flesh of the person whose existence and whose acceptance of them, gives meaning to their life.

"You are the promise of the future, the hope of a man who sees a family and immortality in his dreams. It is only a woman, a real woman who can make this happen. Someday a man will love you and make love to you and not be able to say the words. But he will touch you and kiss you and hold you as I am and you will know that he is speaking from his heart, his soul. You won't need to talk to him about it, he will know from your touch, from your acceptance."

Molly could reach the top of his head as he lay on her thighs, both her hands rested there unmoving as he spoke. When he grew quiet, she remained silent, absently running her fingers through his bristly hair.

"I haven't thought about things like that. I don't know anything about how men think or feel. Billy, I don't know much about anything outside the books. Ouch!"

Billy nipped her lightly on the inside of her thigh above the knee and resumed the touching and kissing that left Molly with more than the pleasant warm feeling she felt before. With his hands on the outside and his head between her legs, each touch and each kiss brought him closer and her heart began to race; she lifted her knees and dug her fingers into his head as he pushed his face into her softness and moved his lips.

"Oh, God, Billy! You're making me crazy."

He continued to touch and taste and feel, he brought his hand up and pushed his thumb inside her as she arched and moaned, he used his middle finger to massage that other very private part of her body. Molly stiffened and lay still.

He stopped touching her and moved to the side.

It was very quiet.

"You didn't like that. I'm sorry, I won't touch you there again."

"You said you were going to touch every inch of my body."

Billy moved up and took her in his arms. "Tell me."

Molly squirmed uncomfortably in his arms.

"Come on, tell me what's going behind those lovely eyes I wish I could look into."

"I just discovered that I wasn't completely honest with myself or with you about why I wanted to be here with you."

Billy hugged her to him, caressed her hair and her shoulders. "When you feel ready to talk, just go ahead, I'll listen."

"I have dreams," she said quietly. "Dreams without substance, just feelings, fear."

Billy prompted her, "What kind of feelings?"

"About sex. I know where the dreams come from, what caused them, but I don't understand them. They leave me feeling sick, nauseated, uneasy, frightened, uncertain, fearful…I don't know…"

"What caused the dreams?"

She hesitated, "I've never told this to anyone. I might have, but I didn't know who to talk to, so I just never did."

Billy pulled her close, kissed her hair and cheek.

"I was a little girl, maybe six or seven, maybe even five, I'm not sure. There was a storm, lightning and thunder and the house was shaking and I woke up frightened. I used to go to my parents room when I was younger, I hadn't done that for a long time, but I did that night.

"I grabbed a dolly or a teddy bear and ran down the hallway. The door was partly open and light was shining out, I was happy they were still awake. I heard noises as I got close to the door so I stopped running and peeked around the corner."

Molly paused for a moment, her eyes closed. "They were in bed, he was on top of her and he was moving up and down. Her knees were up and her arms were around him, I just watched, wondering what they were doing. They stopped and I was about to walk in and ask if I could sleep in their bed when my daddy got up and lay down beside her. They were talking real quiet and I tried to hear what they were saying, but I couldn't make out the words.

"He got up, put a hand on her hip and turned her over, she got up on her knees and I could see everything, I was so embarrassed. Then he turned around and I saw this huge long thing between his legs and I stepped back and put my hand over my mouth because I almost screamed out loud. Then he went behind her, I could see the whole thing, he…he stuck that terrible thing right in her butt and she made a noise; she made more sounds, but he didn't stop, he just kept sticking it in her and I was crying and I ran back to my room and I burrowed under the covers and cried all night. I never said anything, but I never hugged my dad again or kissed him the way I used to."

Molly was quiet for a moment, "I'm a big girl now and I know what anal intercourse is and I guess that's what they were doing. But the sound she made, I thought it was pain. I thought he was hurting her, making her do it. Now I'm not sure; maybe it was just vaginal intercourse, doggy style. Maybe it wasn't pain but pleasure, I don't know. I have never known how to figure it out. 

"Now I do; I want you to, ah, do it to me, just like he did it to her. I want to feel what she felt so I can know what really happened."

Billy had listened quietly, not knowing what she was about to say; his response was immediate. "No."

"No?"

"No."

"Why not?" 

"Molly, I know this is important to you. But what you want me to do is not a thing I want to do. I am not comfortable even thinking about it. I have never done it before although I have thought about it.

"I don't even like that position even when it is used for normal intercourse, I feel it is demeaning to the woman. I would feel that I was using her body just to relieve myself. The other, anal intercourse; I know that men do it because the opening is small and tighter and causes more friction and more pleasure for the man; to me that is not a reason to do it. I know that homosexual men have sex that way; I don't like that vision either. It is not a thing I associate with love and tenderness and care and concern for another person, which is what I feel about you. Do you understand?"

Molly remained silent for a moment before she spoke, "Yes, Billy, I understand, I even agree with you even though I don't know how I would feel about it actually happening. But how am I to know? How do I get rid of this nagging, never ending nightmare? Look, let's compromise. Touch me there and put your finger in me and then maybe try it just a little to see what happens. Can you do that? Will you do that? Please don't just say no."

Billy didn't speak for a moment. "Sweet irresistible Molly, I can't seem to find a way to stop you once you have made up your mind. You have talked your way into this room, drawn blood with your fingernails, bitten chunks of flesh from my neck…"

"I did no such thing!"

He took her hand and guided it to the angry weal's on his back and to his neck.

"Oh!" She gasped, "I did that to you? No I didn't. I would have known if I did that to you."

"There is someone else in the room? I did it to myself?"

"Oh. I kind of remember I wanted you to push harder and I kissed your neck and you pushed harder and I wanted you even closer so I dug my fingers into your back and you came closer. Did I really do that to you? Oh, Billy, I didn't mean to hurt you."

Billy grunted, "It didn't hurt at the time and it made me, ah, well, you are a passionate little…"

"Bitch?" She offered.

"That is not a word I use," said Billy.

Molly giggled and slipped out of his arms, rolled over and then rose up on her knees. "Boy, am I glad you can't see in here, I'm wide open to the world!"

Billy moved away. She heard the sound of a drawer opening and the crackle of plastic.

"What are you doing?"

"A lubricated condom."

"Oh."

Billy put his hands on her hips and rolled her over on her back.

"Why did you do that?

He took her hand and placed it between his legs. "I can't perform on command." He kissed her lips and ran his hands over her body as she opened her legs and pulled him to her.

"You don't really want to do this, do you?"

"No, but I want you to stop having those dreams."

He touched her and eased into her gently as she kissed his face and ran her hands over him. He wet a finger in her, moved it to the tightly closed opening and pushed gently. She stiffened, and then relaxed as his finger penetrated her.

"Ohh," she lay stiff and rigid.

"You have to relax that muscle."

"I can't!"

But she did and soon he was moving his finger in and out as she struggled to contain the emotions that surged through her. He took his finger out and replaced it with the larger thumb as she gasped and shifted her hips.

"I don't know if I can do this," she whispered.

"I'll stop right now if you want."

"No, no, I'll be all right, just go really slow."

In a few moments she was accepting the larger thumb as it moved within her, she was about to speak when he removed the thumb and pushed against the opening.

"No. It has to be the way my mother was." Molly rolled over and came up on her knees again. "Okay, now, go ahead."

Billy rose up over her using his hand to guide him to her. He pressed against the opening as she pushed her hands against the floor. After pressing gently but firmly he finally slipped slightly inside her and stopped.

"Oh, you're inside! That's you, ah…okay, let me just…" She used her hands and her hips to push back against him and felt him penetrate her deeper.

"Oh, Billy, its so tight! Is it all the way in?"

"No."




Billy Ch. 03



"Push a little more."

He pushed firmly but slowly.

"Oh! Stop. Stop, it's too tight, it hurts. "No. No" Don't take it out. Just wait, wait!"

She was panting and struggling to keep from screaming from the feeling, the sensations, the dull but lasting pain.

"Goddamnit! I'm gonna do this! Billy, even if I scream, put it all the way in and just hold it there. Please, just do it and get it over with!"

Already well inside her, he grasped her shoulders, pulled her toward him and thrust forward until he was fully inside.

Molly panted and grunted and gasped, "That's it? You're all the way in? That's as bad as it gets? Please say yes!"

"Yes, Molly, that's all there is."

"Push like you are making love to me, I want to feel that."

He pushed and withdrew slightly and pushed again. He felt her meet his push and withdraw and meet him again. He stopped pushing after three or four more times when she didn't move to engage him. He withdrew; she leaned forward and lay down, her face on the padded floor.

Billy removed the condom, placed his hands around her waist and raised her to her knees. He slowly entered her from behind and pushed. He caressed her back, her arms, underneath to her belly and her breasts as she moved to accept him. He loved her that way for several minutes, feeling the difference in the contact as they explored the position. He stopped, nudged her over and lay on her face to face and buried his head in her neck.

"I didn't like it," she said quietly, "I'm sorry I made you do it. If you wanted to do it to me, I would let you, but I didn't feel the things I felt the other way. Even when it was in the right place, I wanted my arms around you, I wanted my face in your neck. I wanted more than what was there. But you could do it that way if it was good for you.

"I think if I could see from behind you I wouldn't be able to tell where you were loving me. I think I will believe that my mom and dad were having vaginal intercourse that way as a change from the regular position. I will forget it and never think about it again and I will not dream about it. And that is an end to that."

"I am happy with your decision, I think it is the right one."

'I think so too." Molly arched her body, shifted her hips, reached down and guided him inside her. "Oh, God, God Almighty! I love the feeling of you inside me. I am whole, complete; full. Billy, what am I going to do with the rest of my life? What am I going to do if I can't have you every day? Oh, Billy!"

They moved against each other slowly, lovingly, the urgency lessened by the hours that had gone by. Molly slowly ran her hands up and down his back as she rose to meet him time and time again.

She wrapped her arms around his back and put her lips to his ear, "Do you like Art?" He stopped moving as she clung to him. "Art? Yes, paintings, Impressionists, sculpture, Rodin, Michelangelo. I like a lot of poets, the one who wrote, 'Jenny Kissed Me', Swineburne, Keats. I like piano classic like Liszt and Chopin and Rachmaninoff and of course Mozart and modern jazz piano, small groups…" "I play piano," said Molly. "What is your favorite piano classic, your very most favorite?"

"That's an easy one to answer," said Billy, "It's…"

"No!" Molly shuddered, "Don't tell me, I already know. Oh God could it really be?" she whispered in his ear.

"That's the one. How could you possibly…?"

Molly covered his face with kisses and clamped her arms and legs around him moving her hips against him. This time a slow rising passion that favored one then the other and then it was as if a third force took and swept them to a conclusion that left them both in doubt that such an intensity was possible.

"Oh, Billy, what just happened?"

"I don't know," he sighed, "I felt it too; it was like we became one and were flying through time and space, seeing the beginning of the universe, we were both male and female; I saw everything as if it were one and I saw it from all sides and belonged to it and was part of it. I have never felt anything like it."

"That's what I felt too!" Cried Molly. "I saw the whole meaning of life, the whole purpose of existence, the justification of being itself. Oh, Billy! You have to marry me and give me babies and love me forever and I will care for you and take care of you and be a wife and mother and we will live forever and…and…Oh, no! Oh, God, Oh Billy, I just saw it. It's not going to happen is it? It's not going to be."

Molly fell asleep in his arms. As he held her and comforted her, he stared into the darkness as tears coursed down his face.



Billy Ch. 04



This time it was Molly who dragged Julie to the shopping mall. Molly's parents, who felt the warmth of hugs they hadn't felt in years, were overjoyed when she asked for money to go shopping. They gave her not one, but two credit cards and told her to shop until the cards stopped working.

Julie was vibrant as she drove Molly to school. Heads turned and eyes stared even as they drove into the parking lot. "Who's the new chick?" Was the repeated question that cascaded up the winding walkway and through the halls as Molly and Julie sashayed along. Julie smiled and nodded and waved, Molly was grinning hugely and thrilling to the looks of, 'Who is she?', that followed every step she took.

As Molly attended her regular classes and then did volunteer work in the library, disbelief foamed through the school. 'That's Molly Fisk? No way!' The library was busier than usual during Molly's duty and hilarious during lunchtime as both boys and girls made detours to pass by her table.

"Girl!" Julie giggled, "You set this place on fire! I love it!"

Molly wasn't quite so sure.

The notes piled up on the Public Library's bulletin board as both Julie and Molly left messages for 'Mr. B;' it was Thursday of the following week before the four o'clock vigil at the pay phone paid off.

"Billy? Is that you? Where have you been? Are you all right? I missed you!" Molly poked her in the ribs, "Molly is here too!"

Julie listened on the telephone, "I'm sorry, Julie, I had to go out of town for a while."

"On business? Oh, I'm sorry, I mean, did your trip turn out okay?"

Billy's voice was without emotion, "Pretty much as expected. So what's going on? Why all the messages?"

Julie was quick, "I need to see you again; talk to you, ah, my boyfriend is, well.... Molly has turned from a caterpillar to a butterfly and she's like, ah, overwhelmed by all the attention; she wants to talk to you and…oh, Billy, I want you to talk to a friend of mine, please."

"Julie."

"I know. You said no one else for any reason no matter what. But this is different. She's been here almost a whole week. I told her I would ask you but you've been gone for so long. Now it's, well, Billy you just have to talk to her. She really needs help. She's a good person; a nice person and I want to help her. I promised. Please!"

~ ~ ~

Billy stood before the one-way mirror studying the figure in the chair in the small room.

She had short blond hair cut severely halfway down her neck, squared across the back and tapered up to her ears and full at the sides. She wore bangs cut just above eyebrows that were full and almost bushy.

She looked straight ahead with large blue eyes, dark blue, with no attempt to emphasize her eyelashes. A pleasant face, round, a nice nose, full lips; not a beautiful face in classic terms, but a good face, that of a woman of the North Country, strong, enduring. She sat primly with her knees pressed tightly together, her hands clasped in her lap. 

She wore a light blue full skirt at mid-calf length and a white blouse buttoned at the neck and the wrists. He watched her breathe slowly as she kept her eyes lowered and waited.

He spoke softly, "Julie forgot to tell me your name."

She started at the sound of his voice, then gathered herself and looked up into the mirror with a small tight smile. "My name is Kathleen Mary, with a 'K'."

"Hello, Kathleen, that's a nice outfit."

"Thank you, Sir, Julie and Molly helped me pick it out."

Billy sounded puzzled, "Helped you…didn't you have something to wear…something that you…?"

Kathleen reached for her purse, took a picture out and held it up to the mirror. "Can you see this? Perhaps you will understand."

Billy moved closer to the mirror, "Oh…I…"

"She didn't tell you anything?"

"No, nothing."

"I asked her not to say much, but I thought she would tell you my name and…"

"Julie said only that she, ah, you wanted to talk to me, that you had a problem."

"Well," she said, "Now I wish I had told her to tell you at least a little about me. She didn't tell you anything?"

"Nothing," said Billy.

Kathleen worried her hands together and looked up and down several times before she spoke, "My entire life has been with the Church; I was taken in by the Sisters when I was very young. I don't know who my parents were or anything about them. I don't know where I came from or how the Church came to take me in. I have lived my whole life expecting to serve God and serve the Church by becoming a Nun and being a bride of Christ and giving my life to helping others. But something has happened and everything is different and now I don't know what to do."

Billy remained silent and she sat unmoving.

"Can you tell me what happened?" He asked.

"Not out here," she said quietly.

"Kathleen, I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong. You can't come in here, uh, I don't want you to, you don't need to, well; tell me what happened; perhaps I can help you sort it out, please."

"Billy? Julie said I could call you by that name…I made a decision to leave the Church, at least for a little while. Before I talked to Julie, I decided to ah…" She blushed and lowered her eyes, "I want to have a man see me and know me…as a woman.

"I met Julie at a volleyball game her school played against mine. We got acquainted and called each other once in a while and she told me if I ever needed to talk, to give her a call.

"I ran away. I just ran down the road and got a ride into town and called her. She came and got me and took me to her house. I told her everything and what I planned to do. I wanted her to introduce me to a nice boy and I would let him…ah…. Julie was very upset with me and told me there was a better way. She told me what happened to her; I felt so bad, it was an awful thing. She told me she had a friend who had helped her. So I waited until you called. I have told you what…ah, I want to become a woman and then I will know what to do." 

He looked at her in silence for several minutes; she sat rigid in the chair breathing deep and slow.

"Kathleen, what you want to do is not a small thing. It is something you can do for the first time only once. It can change many things, psychologically and physically. You will never be the same again. Have you really thought about it? What do you feel about having sex with someone; about loving someone?

Her eyes brimmed but her voice was firm and edged, "I know only what the Church has taught me! They told me that all people have evil, bad desires of the flesh and that we should strive to overcome those feelings; that they come from Satan. They said that it was a Sin to even think about a man before the Church approved of a marriage and that you should only submit to those animal urges to become pregnant and only for that."

Tears ran down her face, "They made me feel terrible when my Period came and they put me in a tiny cell every time and I was so miserable. They seemed to know things about me, they made me do really hard exercises and take long cold showers at certain times. Julie said that was all…well, she used a bad word. But she was really mad and she hugged me and told me not to be ashamed of being a woman. We tried to talk but I was so embarrassed…that's when she told me about you, that you might be able to tell me…ah, speak with me, teach me…."

"Kathleen, what did they say that was so bad, so terrible that you would change your life? Tell me."

"I can't, not out here, in the dark maybe, but not here."

"Kathleen…"

"They told me I was unclean!" She cried out and began sobbing, "They told me I was unfit to become a Nun. They said I had been with a man and was no longer pure. It's not true! I have never been touched by a man; never even kissed a man. But they said I couldn't be what I had worked all my life for. They said I could serve the Church in other ways, but not as a full Sister. Then…then… oh, I just can't!"

"Please try, Kathleen, please."

"I can't tell you, not now, not out here. Please let me do what I came to do."

"You have to tell me more, Kathleen, I want to try to understand you. I know it is old fashioned, but it still happens that young women wait until they find someone they love and want to marry before they, ah, give themselves to a man. Can you tell me why it is so important for you?"

"I don't know why. I just know I have to do it. They made me feel dirty. They made me feel ugly and sinful. I don't like feeling that way, I've never felt guilty about anything ever before. I tried to tell Julie, but I just couldn't make her understand."

She blinked her eyes rapidly. "Look, I've been talking too much, I'm getting nervous. I just wanted to come here, take my clothes off in front of you and then let you, ah, have sex with me so I could decide what to do. I don't want to go back to the Church, but I don't know what I will do if I don't." She looked up into the mirror, "I'm going to take my clothes off now."

Billy remained silent as she fumbled with the buttons on the sleeves of her blouse. She raised her hands to the top buttons on her blouse and looked into the mirror. "Julie said I should be sexy when I did this, she tried to show me. I don't really know how…" She tugged at the first button, "It's new; the buttonholes are stiff…"

She finally got her fingers to work and tugged the blouse out of her skirt, hesitated then pulled one arm then the other out of the sleeves, carefully folded it and placed it on the table next to the chair. Her brassiere was lacy white and had patterns of blue and pink in the threads. "I never had one so pretty," she said, "The only ones I ever wore were just plain and white. She looked up into the mirror again.

"It's very nice," he said softly.

"Julie helped me shop."

She hesitated a moment then reached behind her and unhooked the blue skirt, let it drop to the floor, stepped aside gracefully, kneeled and gathered the skirt, folded it and placed it next to the blouse. She was left with a mid-thigh white slip.

She rested her hands on her thighs, "Julie said that silk or nylon felt really nice on your skin. She was right, I like to walk in this and feel the slick softness against my legs." She stood unmoving for a moment: "Julie said I should tease you when I took by bra off. What did she mean?"

Billy smiled, "Kathleen, maybe it's from when we were babies, nursing at that warm delicious soft mound of flesh, but men are entranced by a woman's breasts. We watch as they bounce and jiggle and move when she walks, we fantasize about putting our face between them and touching them and…ah, well, you get the point. Just imagine that I really want to see what's under your brassiere and that when I do, my heart will pound and my breathing goes crazy."

Kathleen blushed deeply, opened her eyes wide and she took a deep breath. "I didn't, ah…why am I breathing faster and my heart…do you really want to see, ah, oh." She reached behind her then looked up and slowly took one strap down then the other. Her chest was heaving as she held the straps in her hands and crossed her forearms from shoulder to shoulder. "I don't understand why I feel so, ah, giddy, I guess," she said softly.

She closed her eyes and let her hands fall, dropping the brassiere, leaving her hands at her sides. She straightened her back, her chest and abdomen heaving, her breasts nippled. She stood there until her breathing slowed and then opened her eyes. 

"You're lovely."

"Really?"

"Yes."

She quickly pulled the slip down over her thighs and stepped out of the garment, picked up the brassiere and put both neatly with her other clothes then folded her arms across her breasts. She was shaking as if the room was cold.

"Are you okay? You don't have to do this, Kathleen."

"Yes, I do. I just didn't think it would be so…I d'know, I thought I would just take my clothes off and you would look at me and then…"

She stood there, not quiet naked, one knee over the other, her arms folded across her breasts. "I forgot to take my shoes off."

She sat down on the chair and leaned over to remove her shoes and felt her breasts fall free as she reached down. She tried to hide herself as she removed her shoes.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of, Kathleen. You have beautiful breasts and a lovely body. Turn toward the mirror and show me. That's why you're here, right?"

"I thought I could just do it!" She cried, "Just take my clothes off and let you look at me, but they told me it was sinful unless you were married and I want to do this, but it is so hard and I'm so frightened!" She let out a growling sound and turned, facing him and slipped her pale blue panties down to her knees. "Turn around, don't look at me, I have to bend over to take these off!"

"Okay," said Billy, "I'm turned around. I can't see you."

"You sure? You're not looking at me?"

"I'm not looking at you."

Kathleen removed her underwear and placed it with the rest and turned back to the mirror, one arm folded across her chest, the other hand spread wide between her legs. She didn't speak.

"Can I turn around now?" Asked Billy.

"Y… yes, did you really not look at me?"

"I didn't look."

"Are you looking at me now?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

"Drop your hands to your sides and turn around slowly," he said.

"What if I have an ugly butt?"

"You don't have an ugly butt, you have a pretty butt…."

"How do you know?"

"I know."

She turned around slowly, and then turned again as directed by Billy. She stood about five feet six inches, about a hundred and twenty pounds with the firm glowing tone of youth. Her breasts were full and proud, her abdomen flat above the golden curls, her arms and legs unmuscled but her thighs full.

"Take a deep breath, relax your body and let your arms fall away," he said gently.

She did as he asked and raised her eyes. "Well?" She whispered.

"Smile for me."

She blinked her eyes, her chest heaving; the corners of her mouth twitching as if she were willing a smile to appear. "I can't"

"Smile for me with your eyes, Kathleen. Those eyes that know I am looking at you and finding the sight very pleasant, you are lovely. You have a fullness about you that makes me think of a painting I know, of a tall blonde woman in a flowing long gown with a child's hand in hers. She is walking in a garden of trees and flowers, natural, warm and wonderful to observe. There are artists who would pay you two hundred dollars an hour just to stand like that as they tried to capture the essential real beauty. Smile for me, Kathleen."

Her eyes opened wide, "Two hundred dollars an hour? Just to paint me like this?" She spread her arms as a tiny smile lined her face and her eyes became warm and open. She looked down then up again and smiled into the mirror showing even white teeth with full lips and dimples on each side. "I don't think so."

Billy watched her posture change as she became less concerned about her nakedness and thought about his words. "What is beauty, Kathleen? How would you describe a beautiful woman?"

She searched her mind, "I only know what I have been taught. Beauty in a woman is patience and kindness, compassion and understanding and caring for others. The body is just the flesh and true beauty is of the spirit, of knowing God and the oneness of all things."

"Then you don't care what you look like?"

"I…I never thought much about it until I stayed last week with Julie. I wanted to look pretty for you, but, ah, only because she said I should fix myself up a little bit. Ah, could I come in there now? Julie will be waiting for me to call. I told her I wouldn't be very long and it's already been quite a while."

Billy smiled and chuckled, "And what did Julie say to that?"

Kathleen blushed and lowered her eyes, "She laughed; she said if she didn't hear from me in a day or so she would start to wonder. Why would she say it like that?"

"Suppose I told you it might take me an hour just to kiss your face and your neck and your breasts?"

She turned a bright red as her nipples hardened and her breath came in short gasps. "Why would it…ohh, ah…" She covered her breasts, sat down in the chair with a thump and crossed her legs. "Oh, why is my body doing these things. I feel really strange, I don't understand…."

She looked up as the tone of his voice caught her, "You are a lovely young woman of child bearing age and your body is doing exactly what it should be doing. Your mind is telling your body to prepare to make a baby; which is what sex is all about. There is nothing wrong with you at all. Kathleen, you have shown yourself to a man and you are not ashamed. I'll call Julie to come get you."

She sat quietly as her breathing slowed. She stood and looked into the mirror. "I have only done half of what I came here for."

"Tell me why you ran away."

"Only after I am in there, with you."

He paused a moment. "You can leave at any time, Kathleen. I want to help you, but…I just don't think I…well, I think you should go back out into the world, leave the Church if you choose and let nature take its course. Find a young man that will love you and make love to you as it should be, I…"

"Please," she whispered, "Let me come in before I lose my courage. I have to do this…I, ahh, I want to do this, now, with you. Please."

Kathleen didn't jump when her hand brushed his then grasped it in the darkness. She followed as he led her a few steps to a padded wall then slowly settled next to him, her back against the soft surface.

"Your hands are cool," he said softly.

"Y'…yours feel warm to me," she whispered.

He kept her hand in his, "How old are you?"

"Eighteen a few days ago."

"The magic age," said Billy, "You can sign contracts; legally you become a person and you can make all the decisions about your life."

"That's what Julie said. I'm not a minor any more; they can't force me to go back if I don't want to. Is that right? They won't come after me?"

"There is nothing they can do, you don't even have to talk to them. You will be free, no one to tell you what to do. But, it's a lot of responsibility, lots of choices and decisions."

"I know," she said, "It's exciting but also frightening. I've never had the chance to make a single decision about my life. It has always been the Church and my obligations. I owe them a lot. They took care of me, educated me for, well, all my life. I feel an obligation to repay what they did for me."

"I understand. Are you okay in here with me?"

She smiled in the darkness and squeezed his hand. "I'm a little nervous, but I felt your clothes and your voice is nice and it smells good in here. I wish I could see."

"Can you talk about it now?"

Kathleen took her hand back and squirmed away from him. When she began to speak there was a tight, hard quality to her voice.

"I was hoping you would just, ah, we would, ah, make love to me so I could figure it out by myself. Julie said it wouldn't happen that way if it happened at all. I told her what happened and she got very angry. I want to tell you and I don't. I want you to talk to me about it and then again I don't. I want to make up my own mind. I'm tired of being told what to think.

"It hurts so much, Billy. The rest of my life was spread out before me, I knew what I was going to do and I was happy with it, anxious to get started. And then it was all gone! There was nothing left. No future to look forward to. I was ready to give my life to the Church, to help others as they had helped me. In a flash it was all gone and I was completely lost."

She sighed deeply with a long exhale and a tiny sound of surrender. "I told you they said I was unclean, that I had been with a man. The Mother Superior said that my last physical examination was unsatisfactory. That something must have happened and they asked who it was. I told them that nothing had happened, but they wouldn't believe me. I cried, I pleaded with them to give me another chance; to re-examine me, to double-check because I knew nothing had happened. So they finally agreed to have me examined again.




Billy Ch. 04



The conclusion. 

Edited by Lady Cibelle with my thanks.

Billy-Part 4

The Party

The week passed without any further word from Billy and it was finally Friday, the day of the party. I left for home at noon, thinking that I should be present to make sure everything was in place. Since I had little idea of what those things should be, it was a puzzle as to how I would even know if they were 'in place'. Well, so long as I was there, that was the important thing.

As I pulled in, I found myself weaving past vans, trucks and cars, all seemingly arranged to make my path to the garage as difficult as possible. I finally walked into the kitchen to find people with trays of food rushing around, opening the fridge, the oven and the microwave. Since it seemed they knew what they were doing, I made my way carefully out of the kitchen and into the great room. From there I could see people outside around the pool, setting up chairs, tables, and benches. Others were cleaning the pool, cutting the grass and generally cleaning up. There were two men on ladders stringing what appeared to be small lights around the various ornamental trees in the back yard.

As I watched what appeared to be organized chaos, it occurred to me to wonder how all of this had been arranged. I knew Paula had told me to sit back and enjoy, but I was still amazed to think that she pulled all of this together. I was impressed. Until I saw Billy walk out the side door to speak to one of the men dressed in white.

Billy was talking to him with eloquent gestures, stressing something. He seemed to understand her and he began to point around with his head bobbing up and down. She listened, smiled and patted him on the shoulder before moving away to watch the men on ladders. She again pointed and yelled and the men moved in a different direction. Once satisfied, she walked back in the side door.

I went in search of her and found her in the family room off the kitchen. She had a check list of some sort in her hand and was checking things off. I stood off to the side and just watched. She had on jeans, a light pullover top which left her stomach visible, and sneakers without socks. Her face was moist and her hair was mussed as if she had been running her fingers through it. The impression was one of a beautiful woman fully in control of her situation. She wore a slight smile and seemed to be keeping a secret, one that was a pleasure. My heart started to beat a little faster before I even noticed.

She turned just at that instant, looking directly at me as if she had felt me staring at her. Our eyes locked for a heartbeat before she smiled and waved. The moment was past and I wasn't sure what it meant, but I smiled in return and made my way through the hoards of people to her side.

"Well, it seems to me that you're unaffected by all of this. I have no idea who these people are or what they're doing. Do you?"

"Of course! Everything is under control. All is in order and right on schedule. And speaking of schedules, what are you doing home so early?"

"I had the stupid idea I might be needed. It seems that was a very stupid idea. No one even noticed me."

"They all have their jobs and they're very good at it. They don't need either of us but since I wanted to know how things would look, I volunteered to be here. Paula was happy to leave it to me and I'm having a ball."

"I can see that. I'm happy that you're happy. But if you don't mind, I think I'll take a shower and try to relax until later. I'm nervous about tonight but I don't know why. You have everything under control and Paula keeps telling me to relax and enjoy. Maybe that's why I'm nervous. I'm not needed."

"You'll be needed tonight. You're what this is all about."

We spoke for a few more minutes before I finally went into the bedroom for a shower. The noise and bustle was muted here and I soon forgot it as I let the hot water cascade over me. Paula and Billy were right. Everything was under control and I could just let it happen. I began to look forward to tonight. Since the party wasn't due to get underway until 6, maybe a short nap would be in order. Fresh from the shower and wrapped only in a towel, I fell across the bed and was soon asleep.

At just after 5:30 I was finally dressed in casual slacks, a cotton shirt with collar but no tie, a light sports jacket and sneakers. I checked once more in the mirror and was satisfied with my reflection. Tall and still solid, dark hair now with some grey showing and a well tanned face. I was glad I kept up with my workouts. I was still nervous but ready. I walked down the hall and into the great room where I was hit with a shock.

Billy was standing there talking to one of the servers. They were dressed in white jackets and black slacks. Very impressive, but more impressive was Billy. She had on a white dress, tastefully fitted, worn just above the knee. She had on low heels, but enough to emphasize her long shapely legs. As usual her makeup was understated but more dramatic because of it and her hair shined. Her earrings were long and elaborate catching the light and spinning off flashes of brilliance. The dress was low cut showing a lot of cleavage but she was wearing a gold chain with a dazzling stone that drew the attention away from her breasts. I recognized it as one I had given her many years before for one of our anniversaries. I didn't know how I felt about that. 

I was speechless when I saw her. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Her easy grace was apparent and she moved with confidence. She stood sideways to me while I let myself enjoy the vision. I didn't want to move from there because I was content just to watch. But she turned, again as if she sensed me standing there.

"Well hello Mr. Executive. You look very nice and relaxed this evening. Casual but elegant."

She moved toward me and I remembered my manners.

"You look wonderful! Whatever you've been doing it really works. I doubt anyone will even remember me once they've seen you."

Her easy laugh was enough to make my breath catch in my throat. How could this woman have changed so much? She was always beautiful, but now she was more. The old Billy was beautiful, but the impression of a haughty standoffishness always prevailed. She was often classed as a 'stone cold bitch' by many who had to deal with her. This Billy was so far removed from that one as to be two different women.

"Thanks, but you need to be ready. The first cars are already arriving and the first guests should be coming in. You go out by the pool and greet them there. I've got the door."

With a blinding smile and a pat on the arm, she pushed me toward the back. As I walked out I heard her greet Paula.

"I'm so glad you're here early. Stuart is going to need some help out back. Will you?"

"Of course. And you look great. Has he seen you?"

I didn't hear the rest as I did as I was told and went outside. I was soon surrounded by people who wanted to say hello and make themselves known. Paula was ready with names of those I wasn't sure about and I did meet some of the wives and husbands of employees I did know and that was worthwhile. The only uncomfortable point was when Mark came up to introduce his wife. While I was polite to her and spent a few minutes talking with her, Mark was smart enough to just stand nearby and say little. She was a pretty thing but she seemed a little cold to me. Other than that, the party was pleasant.

There were several of the old timers, people that knew me from before that also knew Billy. They were cautious when they mentioned her and tried to get some indication from me as to the current status of our relationship, but I simply avoided any comment. The one prevailing opinion was that she looked marvelous. I agreed with that so there was no issue there. 

I had invited Ryan Erinson to the party and he did accept. He was now retired and he and his wife were spending their free time traveling around the world. He was between trips now so he was able to attend. We talked a little about the changes and it was good to see him again. He pulled me aside.

"OK Stu, talk to me. I notice Billy is here and she seems to be the hostess for this party. Are the two of you back together?"

"Not together Ryan, just good friends. I thought it was time to bury the hatchet and make peace. She's been a lot of help to me since I moved back. She helped me find this house, and I thought she would be great as a hostess for this shindig. She's been a big help. She and Paula get along fine as well so it's all good."

"Just friends? You know as well as I that it can't stay that way. Men and women, especially with women that look like Billy, can't stay only as friends."

"Well that's all it is. You'll just have to trust me on that. Billy understands the rules and she has no trouble with it either."

"Yeah, that's why she dressed the way she did. Just for us guests. And that's the reason she kept your last name? Give me a break!"

Ryan threw back his head and laughed loudly. He was still chuckling as he moved away to find his wife. I watched him go with a grin but I knew he was wrong. Billy kept my name because it was easier all round to maintain the house, the accounts, just about everything. I made no stipulations about that in the divorce. Ryan was way off base with his assumptions. But I did look around to see if I could spot Billy. I hadn't spoken to her all evening and it was getting late. 

I moved inside the house and spent the next ten minutes mingling and chatting with whoever I ran into but I was slowly making my way through the room toward the kitchen. I assumed that if she were still here, she would be there. I finally made it to the hall leading down to the kitchen and took it, quickly walking in.

Billy was there as I suspected. She was filling a tray of snacks for one of the servers. There were several more just waiting. It seemed that the supply of food was still adequate and the drinks were still flowing. Even this late, the guests were still filling up. I waited until Billy had finished and then moved over to talk to her.

"How are you holding up? Haven't you been able to mingle with the guests? I think the caterer can manage without you for awhile."

Billy ran the back of her hand over her forehead, looking surprisingly happy. She was smiling and the smile was genuine. That much I could tell from memory.

"I'm having the best time. This is good for me. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed entertaining. And the people have all been terrific. I saw Ryan and his wife, Mark and his new wife Sherri, Paula and Jerry and Steven and. . . ."

She stopped as one of the servers came up to ask a question. She answered without hesitation and he went off satisfied. She turned back to me.

"I have to thank you Stuart, for this. It's been wonderful. Thank you so much."

"Can't you take some time and come out back with me? It's really nice out there and most of the people have moved outside. Come on! Relax and enjoy."

Billy resisted but I finally got her to come out for a time. After a few minutes, she relaxed and began to mix with those she knew. I watched her with pleasure and pride until I began to question myself. Why would I feel pride? She was not my wife any more. She was simply helping me with a party. I was confused and suddenly uneasy.

I moved back inside to the bar there and fixed a strong scotch and water. I took it over to the couch and sat down by myself to think. As I tried to get a handle on my feelings, Paula sat down next to me.

"I know what you're thinking. It's written all over your face."

"What am I thinking?"

"That's she's perfect for this life. That she would be perfect at your side. That she's more beautiful than before."

I shook my head. That's not what I was thinking. I couldn't go there. I had tried once and I wasn't going to fall again. That last time was too painful. I didn't, no, I couldn't go through that again, not in this lifetime.

"You don't understand. I can't get hurt like that again. Not ever."

Paula patted my arm and smiled sadly at me before walking away. I sat there a while longer and went back outside to join the party.

By 11:00, almost all the people had either left or were making their way back out to the front where the attendants were getting cars. I had rented a vacant lot in the subdivision for parking cars and I had three young college students acting as attendants. They were making out pretty good with tips. I stood by the door with Billy and Paula as they left, saying goodbye and thanks for coming. I noticed that Billy seemed to know all their names as they left. They were also quite nice to her. Several gave me a thumbs up when she was looking the other way and most had grins on their faces.

Billy pulled my sleeve and introduced me to Penny, a pretty young woman. I remembered her mentioning a friend named Penny and assumed this to be her. I spent a few moments speaking to her, thanking her for coming and being a friend to Billy. As she replied, I noticed Will Haley, one of the younger managers standing behind her, looking slightly embarrassed. I took her hand and gave it a kiss, whispering something in her ear, causing her to smile at Will. He had the grace to blush but he smiled back. He was single, a hard worker and had a good future. Maybe now he had something more. 

The caterers had things put away and the area bussed by the time the last guests left. The head caterer stopped to check with Billy before he and his crew departed. It was down to a few attendants and some custodial types and they were all gone by 11:30. It was now just Billy, Paula and me.

"Well boss, I think the party was a rousing success. Everyone I talked to had nothing but good things to say and they weren't just sucking up. Several hoped that this would become an annual thing. You pulled it off."

"No, you and Billy pulled it off. I was just here. I want both of you to know how much it meant to me that you did this. Neither one of you had to do it, so my thanks."

"You're very welcome boss and a raise would be a good thing to talk about now. But, I'll let you off the hook tonight. I'm getting up early tomorrow to go shopping. I have to find something new to wear for tomorrow night. I'm having dinner with a very nice man I met tonight. He works in Traffic. How about that?"

Laughing, Billy walked her to the door and watched her leave. The attendants had put her car in the driveway so she was quickly on her way. Billy watched as she disappeared around the curve and then came in and shut the front door. We were alone. I wanted some more time with her so I asked,

"Come outside with me. Let's sit by the pool and just relax. I think you've earned it. Can I get you something?"

"I would love an iced tea. Or even a cup of coffee. Nothing more. I'm stuffed from testing everything on the menu. God, it was good! That caterer Paula found was terrific. I got his name as if I could afford him."

I went inside to get the drinks and brought them outside with a tray of leftover snack sandwiches. I was starved even if Billy wasn't. I set them down between us as we each took a lounge chair facing the pool. I admired the little lights that had been installed earlier in the day. The effect was spectacular.

We shared a time of peace and quiet, each lost in thought. My thoughts were in turmoil. I wasn't sure what to say or do. Maybe I shouldn't say or do anything. That might be best. 

As I was trying to convince myself that silence was the best bet, Billy rose and walked over to the side of the pool. She stood there, framed by the lights under the water and surrounded by the twinkling lights in the trees. As I watched her, I felt something stir inside me. Without thinking, I rose and walked up behind her. I put my hands on her shoulders, just resting them there. After a minute, she leaned back into me and let her head rest on my shoulder. I moved my hands up and down her arms until I felt her begin to shudder.

I turned her around, facing me. I looked into her eyes and saw acceptance, clouded with a trace of fear and uncertainty. It was what I wanted to see. I moved my arms around her waist, pulling her body against mine. She was trembling but willing. I bent down to place a kiss on her lips, lightly brushing her mouth and moving down to her neck, my tongue tasting her and then back up to her mouth. Her lips opened as I searched with my tongue, hers meeting mine in passion. The kiss deepened and became more demanding.

As I began to take, she responded, offering herself to me. I was careful, trying to delay the heat and the urgency, instead giving gentleness and control. She seemed to be confused, expecting me to take her, but instead I used what I could to bring on her arousal. She finally gave in and took what I gave. She began to move against me and I moved my hand down to cup the mound between her legs. She moaned into my mouth and she tightened her grip on me. As she began to move against my hand, I increased the pressure and the motion to give her pleasure. 

"Stop, please stop. We can't do this here. Take me inside, please. I'll stay with you but let's go inside."

I took her hand and led her inside, locking the door and turning out the lights as I did. We walked down the hall to the master bedroom. Billy moving ahead of me. As I came into the room, she had already begun to remove her dress. She let it fall to the floor, stepped out of it and turned to face me. She had on a white lacy bra and matching panties. I looked my fill as she stood there.

Her body was lean, well muscled and tan. Her breasts were small but firm, probably a B cup. As she reached behind to unclasp the bra, letting it fall to join her dress, I saw that her nipples were erect, signaling her arousal. She finally pushed her panties down and stepped out of them. I saw that she was cleanly shaved and her lips were swollen and full. She looked at me, waiting for my reaction.

"You are absolutely breathtaking! You are magnificent!"

The smile I saw earlier returned. The happy one, the contented one. As it came, she raised her arms to beckon me to her. I went willingly.

"I want you naked. I want to see you and touch you and give you pleasure. Help me."

And I did. As she worked on the buttons of my shirt, I removed my shoes and pants, letting them fall where they would. She pushed the shirt back off my shoulders and I lowered my arms so she could slide it completely off. She knelt down in front of me, put her fingers in the waistband of my boxers and pulled them down. She remained on her knees taking my erection in her hands. I waited, holding my breath as I felt her begin to slide her hands up and down. I could feel her breath on my cock and I hoped. She never would before, but would she now? 

Yes! She took me in her mouth and began to move her head up and down, replacing her hands. She looked up at me, her eyes wide and dark with passion. She reached around, putting one hand on my butt, pulling me closer. The other hand was caressing my balls as she moved her head. It felt wonderful, devastatingly wonderful, and my climax was not far away. I had to let her know before it was too late. But when I told her, she continued without slowing down. I was losing control and again I warned her but she didn't stop. As a matter of fact, she began to bob her head faster and faster while holding me close to her face. I had no control left and l let go, pumping my hips forcing myself deeper and deeper as the liquid splashed out. I was certain it would never stop but finally, I was done.

"I'm sorry Billy! I tried to warn you but it was too late. I'm so sorry."

"I'm not. And I heard you, but I wanted to do this for you. This is what you always wanted me to do but I would never let you. This was just for you."




Billy Ch. 04



"Thank you. It was great. I can't remember ever cuming like that before." I pulled her to me and kissed her tasting myself. I didn't care since I also tasted her.

She had a smile on her face, one of happiness and contentment as she stood to sit on the bed. I was glad because I had not planned this when I asked her to host my party. I truly wanted only to be friends but I found it hard to maintain that relationship, just as Paula warned me. I had no idea of what to say or do now that this had happened. I was concerned that she would do something like this to try to move back into my life, but this wasn't her. This was all me!

"Billy, I think we need to talk. I don't want us to confuse what just happened."

"Stuart, please. I understand what you are trying to say. This was just you and I having fun. There doesn't need to be anything serious about it. You're a good looking man and I hope I'm still good looking enough to attract a man so we did what comes naturally. That's all. It was just sex without strings attached. And I hope there is more coming right now since I have some needs here too."

Billy rolled over on her back and looked at me with a 'come hither' look that was pure sex. I smiled, moved over next to her and leaned down to give her a kiss. She locked her hands behind my head and pulled me down. I went willingly and put more into the kiss while my hands started to roam over her breasts, pulling the nipples gently. Her moans of approval gave me permission to do more so one hand went down over her firm stomach and between her legs. I cupped her mound and put pressure against it as I moved my hand over and down. I let one finger trail between her lips and I could feel the wetness. She was ready, but I was in no hurry.

As I moved over her labia, I let one finger enter her while my thumb engaged her clit. Now I was stimulating her even further and she began to move her hips trying to push my finger deeper. I added a second finger as I continued to rub my thumb over her now rigid clit. She was humping even harder and she was making moaning sounds that my kiss muffled. I began to move my fingers in and out which brought her to a raging climax. She let out one long continuous moan of pleasure and brought her hips completely off the bed as she came. She held herself rigidly until the wave passed and then she collapsed back onto the bed.

I watched her as her eyelids began to flutter again. When her eyes opened, they remained clouded with contentment, not focusing on anything. I continued to lightly caress her breasts as she slowly came back.

"I think I lost consciousness for a minute. God, that was so intense! I haven't felt like that in ages."

"It was just my hand. I remember you used to tell me that was for high school kids. How could it now be so intense?"

"You don't understand. That was the first time anyone has touched me like that since the last time you and I were together. And that's been over five years now."

"Do you mean you haven't been with a man since then? What about the time I caught you with Mark? Surely you remember that."

"I'll never forget it, but that was different. There was no foreplay, no kissing, no touching, nothing like that. It was just fucking! Nothing more! Nothing! The last time anyone touched me like this or made love to me was the last time you and I were together. The only time it meant anything was with you. The only times I remember were with you. What I remember that last time with Mark was you standing there, the pain in your eyes. That's what I'll never forget about that day."

"But surely you and Mark were together after I left. How could you not? I was out of the picture and you were free to do as you pleased. I just assumed you and Mark would be together."

"I never spoke to Mark again after that night. Only the phone calls that you knew about and only then to tell him to leave me alone. He and I never saw each other again until tonight. I didn't even know he was married."

I was totally surprised. I guess I always imagined them together and once the divorce was final, I don't know what I thought. I never discussed her with Mark and pop never told me she even visited him. Billy was out of my thoughts completely for years. Until I saw her again.

Billy got up and pulled on one of my shirts. Our conversation seemed to have ended our night together. She stood, uncertain of what to do next, but finally moved toward the bathroom.

"I'm going to take a quick shower and then I'll leave. I'll make it as quick as I can."

I heard the shower start up and the door open. I sat there, trying to decide how I felt. The information about her and Mark was good news surely. And the passion we both felt was real. And as she said, we were two adults, good looking and healthy. We had sex and it was fun. Why confuse it with anything else? I refused to consider that it was anything more and what we did was not wrong.

Mind made up, I walked into the bathroom, naked and still hard, and opened the shower door. Billy had her back to me as the water cascaded over her blond cap. She must have felt the cold air and she turned with a frown on her face to see where it was coming from. I shut the door behind me and moved behind her, my arms going around to grip those wonderful breasts. She tensed for a moment before relaxing and moving back against me. Her wonderful little butt wiggled against my still hard cock and that was all it took.

I rubbed my hand over her ass and pushed her gently away from me. She took the hint quickly and moved her legs apart as she bent over, bracing herself against the wall. She looked over her shoulder, a smile on her face. I leaned over her to kiss her mouth, reached under to grab her breasts and moved against her. She reached back, took me in hand and guided me inside. Once the head had found her opening, I stopped until I was ready and then began to push inside. I could feel her tensing and stopped.

"Does that hurt? Should I stop?"

"No, don't stop. Just take it slow and easy. Remember, I haven't had one of these inside me for a very long time. Just go slow, and I'll tell you when it's OK."

I pulled out until just the head was inside her and than slowly pushed back inside just an inch before pulling out again. I did this several times, each time going a little further until I felt her begin to push back against me. That was a signal to try to go further. As I pulled out, I stayed deeper than before and then pushed harder. She met my push without flinching so I continued. With two more strokes I was fully inside. She was so tight! I wasn't sure how much of this I could take.

"God damn Billy! You're as tight as a virgin. I don't know how much of this I can take without cuming. It may not be very good for you."

"Don't worry about me. I've already cum twice while you were trying to get it all inside. So go ahead and do it. Take me Stuart! Fuck me!"

That's all it took. I pulled out, slammed back in and repeated that again and again. As my hips pumped in and out, she was moving her hips back against me on each stroke. I had never fucked her like this before and I was lost in the sensation. I felt my balls tighten and the cum boil inside as it began to make its way out. I tried to resist it but it was too strong and I finally had to let it happen. I came again, more than I believed I had left in me. I felt it move down my cock and out the tip. I pushed against her ass as hard as I could, grabbed onto her hips and just held myself there, bending over her wet back. It took ages to completely drain my sperm and deposit it deep inside her, but finally it was over.

I pulled out and leaned back against the shower wall, trying to catch my breath. This was the second time I had cum in the past hour. I wasn't a young man anymore but Billy had brought out something in me that had been dead for a long time. I had sex many times before, but nothing like this: passion, energy, and pleasure all combined into one. I watched her as she let the water pour over her head and her smile gave her beautiful face an extra glow. I knew I had put it there and I was pleased.

"Wow! That's all I can say. Wow! I didn't know I could do that anymore. I feel like a horny teenager. All hormones and no control."

"I'd say your control was just fine. I can't remember when I came three times so quickly together before. This has to be a first. You must have been practicing. God, I'm tired and I need a drink."

"Get dry and dressed and I'll see what's easy to fix and quick to eat. I'll meet you in the kitchen." 

I dried quickly, slipped on a pair of shorts without underwear and pulled on a T-shirt. I slipped into sneakers and headed to the kitchen. I remembered some of those chicken wings and a bowl of potato salad that would make a great snack. I got them out and put the wings in the microwave to warm them up. I put all on the kitchen table and got out some soft drinks. By the time Billy came out, I had the table set and waiting.

"Looks good and I'm famished. Let's eat."

We sat together and ate our fill, the silence between us comfortable. I watched her as she put away a good portion of potato salad and marveled at the beauty still there. If anything, she was more so than when we were married. Time seemed to have given her maturity and she radiated calm and control. She was not the Billy I knew before. And what we shared tonight was different in many ways. Sex, yes. Love, not really. Was there more there? Possibly.

"Will you stay the night? I would like you to."

"No, I can't. I have commitments that are important to me and I need to honor them. If I stay here, I might miss them. I don't want to do that."

"I would see that you got to where you needed to be. I could take you."

"Thank you but no. I have a life now Stu that is important to me and it's important that I remember that. Maybe we can see each other from time to time. You could call. I would certainly be available if you wanted to see me."

"You mean like a date? Go back and start over?"

"No, not start over. We can be friends and even friends with benefits if you know what I mean, but I don't think we should 'start over'. I'm not a good investment Stu. You of all people should know that."

"But you aren't the same person I knew before. You're different, more mature, more controlled and certainly more beautiful. Why can't we see if things could work out?"

"Because I won't let myself get into the position to hurt you again. I did it once before and I almost ruined three lives: yours, mine and Mark's. Just for my own selfish purposes. You don't want that again Stuart and neither do I."

"I can't believe you're the same person. I don't think you would do that to me."

"Did you believe I was capable of it then? Of course you didn't, but I was. People don't change that much."

Billy and I talked for a while more but it was clear that she had made up her mind. I wasn't really sure in my own mind whether I wanted to go down that path again, but she didn't give me the chance. She left soon after and I watched her drive away, still confused.

Over the next few weeks, not much changed. I went to work, listened to several people comment on Billy and how beautiful she was not knowing that we were divorced. Their memory was of Billy and I as a couple, but few knew about the divorce since I moved to Denver during the whole thing. But it was interesting getting the comments and people's perceptions. Other than a few of the more important executives, nobody knew any different and only Paula and a few others cared.

A week after the party I called and asked Billy if she would have dinner with me. She accepted and we made plans. I intended to honor her wishes and made a date at one of the more popular restaurants. I kept it simple and it went well. We ate, danced a little, finished with a drink at the bar and then I took her home. That was all. A simple date but I enjoyed it very much. I think she did too. We had several more dates, much the same and then I took the next step.

I asked Billy if she would spend a weekend with me in Cancun, Mexico. I knew of a small resort there that had three private cabins, had a private beach and was near all of the nightlife. I had been there before and it was quite spectacular. Billy asked for some time to decide and I let her take what she needed. I had reserved the cabin for the next three weekends just in case. Billy accepted after only two days.

The weekend went very well with wonderful sex, a lot of shopping and several outings with the jet skis and Para gliders. Billy was fun to be with and made few demands. It was as if she was there primarily for me and I could ask her for anything and she would agree. I enjoyed it of course, but I began to be uncomfortable with her agreeability. After one particular evening, I decided to confront her. I began with dinner and dancing.

We went out to dinner at a small but exclusive restaurant on a bluff overlooking the ocean. I had reservations for seven o'clock and we were finished eating by a quarter past eight. I asked Billy what she wanted to do and she said that anything I chose would be fine with her. We took a cab to a nightclub where there was dancing and we danced together for the next hour. Billy was asked by several men to dance and she always looked to me for permission. I agreed of course and enjoyed watching her. She would dance the fast dances with them but when the music slowed, she would excuse herself and return to our table. When I asked her why, she said slow dancing invited intimacy and she didn't want to extend that invitation to anyone but me.

We returned to the room late after dancing and enjoying the music both pleasantly relaxed after some rum drinks. Billy was humming and swaying to the music in her mind while I slipped off my shoes and jacket and lay on the bed watching her. She began to remove her clothing, a piece at a time, always looking at me as she did. By the time she was down to a skimpy thong panty, I was as hard as a rock. She moved over to the bed, still humming and swaying to her own music, and crawled up to me on her hands and knees. I expected her to keep coming and I waited to take her into my arms, but she had other ideas.

Billy stopped, smiled at me, and then took me in her hands. She stroked me several times to be sure I was hard and then dropped her head to take me into her mouth. The first touch of her warm, moist mouth forced me to concentrate on anything but what she was doing. The pleasure was intense and I moaned deeply and loudly. This caused Billy to continue, using her hand to hold me in position while she began to move me deeper and deeper into her mouth, almost swallowing all of me. As I gritted my teeth, holding myself in check with pure willpower, I felt myself sliding into her throat. This was a first, and the pleasure was intense. As Billy continued, now moving up and down, my cock sliding into her throat on each stroke, I told her that I couldn't hold back much longer. Her answer was to stroke faster and begin using her tongue as well. That was all I could take and I shouted to her that I was cumming! She never slowed down nor did she move away. I had no choice as I felt my balls contract and the fluid shoot up and out into her throat.

I didn't know what I expected as I came explosively. I only knew I had lost control and had no choice but to ride it through. My body arched off the bed and I felt the hot liquid splash into her warm mouth. I was unable to move while my body pumped shot after shot of semen. Billy was still moving both her head and her hand as I finally finished. When my body relaxed and my hips returned to the bed, Billy raised her head and smiled at me. She hadn't let me go yet, but she did let me slip out of her mouth.

I lay there, letting my breathing return to normal while Billy moved up and rested her head on my shoulder. She was running her hand over my chest and placing small kisses on my neck and shoulder. It was a very erotic time for me after one of the best blow jobs I had ever experienced. As I enjoyed the afterglow of fantastic sex, I began to think of Billy. I let my hand drop to her breasts and I began to rub my fingers over the nipple. I was rewarded with a small moan of approval. I continued with this until I could feel the nipple begin to stiffen and grow.

I moved away from Billy and dropped my head to her breasts and took the nipple between my teeth, gently nipping first one and then the other. I used my tongue to swirl around her mounds, bringing another moan of approval. I continued while I let one hand trail down over her stomach and then between her legs. I found her clit, already exposed and erect, and ran my thumb over it several times. In response her legs moved further apart, giving me greater access. As I continued with her breasts and that sensitive place just under her ear, I slipped one and then two fingers inside her. I found her to be wet and welcoming.

I had no intention of bringing her off with my hand but I needed the time to regain my erection. I could feel myself responding to the stimulation I was giving Billy and I knew that I could be ready for her when the time came. I continued with my fingers and my thumb, stimulating her as much as I could. She began to push her hips against my hand and I could feel her breathing increase into little gasps of pleasure as I continued. When she began to hump faster against me, I rolled over on top of her and positioned my now steel hard cock against her opening. It was very wet now and I slid in without any hesitation.

As I penetrated her, Billy raised her legs to her shoulders, making deeper penetration easier. I pushed against her and slid fully inside. Her head was back and her eyes were closed as I pulled almost all the way out before pushing in again. I slid into her deeply until my pelvis rubbed against her body and my balls were slapping against her ass. Once I achieved full penetration, I began a slow steady stroking, enjoying the feel of her wet warmth clamping onto me. Because of her earlier oral ministrations, I knew I was going to last as long as I wanted. I tried not to concentrate on the feeling of her wet warmth squeezing me, making sure I kept control when Billy screamed.

"Harder! Harder! Do it hard and fast! Please, do it hard! Stuart my love, do it hard and fast and make me your slut!"

Well there was no way I could refuse that request so I began to move in and out, faster and faster. On each stroke, I pushed as hard as I could and I felt her push back just as hard. Once we achieved a rhythm, her pushing up as I pushed down, my balls were slapping her ass with a loud smack on each stroke. I was panting and sweating but I was giving it all I had. The noise we were both making was enough to raise the dead but our cabins were far enough apart that on one could hear us. Because of the blow job I was able to give her a good ride but finally, with a loud grunt, I slammed one final time into her and then held myself tightly against her as I pumped out what liquid I had left. It seemed like a lot and it took forever before I felt empty. I relaxed and collapsed, letting my weight rest on her hot sweating body. She put her arms and legs around me and just held me as we both returned to some degree of normal.

As we lay there, I decided to ask her some of the questions that had been bothering me for some time now. Tonight was just another of those questions. I rolled over and off of her and lay on my side facing her. It took all my concentration not to respond to the sight of her naked body covered in a sheen of sweat, her chest heaving, her nipples sticking straight up and her hand rubbing my now flaccid cock. 

"Billy, can I ask you something?"

"Of course Stu. You can ask me anything."




Billy Ch. 04



"Why did you do what you did tonight and the first night at my house? We were married for over four years and during those years I could count on one hand the number of times you were willing to give me oral. When you did, it felt like it was more of a duty than anything else. And you never swallowed. Now, I can honestly say that I have never had a blowjob as good as those you gave me. It's almost as if you've been practicing."

Billy didn't answer for a few minutes and I thought that maybe I had made her angry. But it was bothering me and I wanted to know. Just as I was about to ask her again, she began.

"There were a lot of things that you wanted during our marriage that I was unwilling to do. Most were things that you would expect a wife to do and some were things you wished your wife would do. Some of those were sexual and others were simply considerate things. I did neither. I was a selfish controlling bitch most of the time and I didn't realize it until it was gone. I thought that what you wanted was never as important as what I wanted."

She rolled over onto her side, facing me. She propped herself up with one arm and looked intently into my eyes.

"When you left me, I had a lot to time to think. Since I had the house and you left me with more than enough money, there was no pressure on me to have to take care of myself. I began to realize that all I gained by my selfishness was being alone and unhappy. I understood then what I had lost and it took me almost two years before I faced the facts. You left me because I was selfish, childish, self absorbed and completely focused on me and no one else. I never told you why my first husband divorced me but it was almost exactly for the same reasons you left me. I cheated, I lied, I betrayed him and my daughter. I did it in the same, selfish way I treated you. He was more vicious than you and he took it all away and left me with nothing.

"I learned after it happened the second time but by then it was too late. You were gone and I was alone again. This time it hurt because I loved you so much. Once the truth that you were gone from my life forever hit me, it was too late. There was a dark year and more for me then, understanding what I had done. But my father of all people began to talk to me, tell me what I had been doing and urged me to begin to change things. He and my mom argued about it but I knew in my heart that he was right. I decided that it wasn't too late for me to change and try to make a life for myself.

"I saw a shrink for a while but she was only able to help me so far. I did the rest on my own. I caught up on my academic credits and I began teaching. I found a new place to live and I began to try to live my life, concentrating on others rather than myself. It was hard at first but it got easier. My kids were great, they needed me and I loved teaching. I found that I could give to someone other than myself and I began to change. I had a few friends who knew my background and they helped. My dad was a lifeline that I held onto for strength until I was able to manage on my own.

"Now to answer your question. I did it simply because you always wanted me to. I didn't have to practice, I'm a woman and a woman knows how to please a man. I only had to do it. I could tell what pleased you and what you wanted. And I found I liked it because you did, so I did it as well as I could. I'm a fast learner. I can do lots of things if you let me."

Billy was smiling now and I felt more relaxed and able to ask more questions.

"But you were always so quiet and so reserved. I didn't think you actually liked sex. Even though we did it fairly often, it was more like a chore for you. Now, you seem totally different. Like tonight. You were yelling at me, telling me to do it harder and faster. You've never done that for me before. You did it once for Mark. I used to hear your voice sometimes in my nightmares. But never for me."

Billy looked away when I said those words about Mark, but she turned back with her lips compressed. Finally she said, "But you always wanted me to. I did it with Mark just to have more control. You wanted it so I gave it to him instead to punish you for not doing what I wanted. There was no pleasure with Mark, just control. I was in control and he was a tool that I used.

"But now it's different. I want to please you and you always told me what you liked so now I can give freely and I enjoy doing it. It's fun with you and the amazing thing is that now I can enjoy it simply because I know you do. We please each other."

I just looked into her eyes and I could see she was being totally honest with me. For the first time in all the years I had known her, Billy was being completely honest. I found myself believing her. It was a strange feeling. 

We enjoyed each other that weekend and we were both sad to see it end. But I had to get back and so did Billy. Since I had chartered a plane for the return trip, we were in flight and arrived home within just a few hours of leaving. I drove Billy back to her place and watched her go into her small apartment. She waved goodbye and I drove home alone.

After spending two days and nights with Billy, I found myself lonely without her. We had fun and we had great sex and I wanted more. I found myself thinking about her more and more and decided then and there that I had to decide for myself what it was that I wanted. I needed to think this through. 

For the next several weeks, I had little time to think of Billy and our time together, and other than a few phone calls, I hadn't seen her. She said she understood and told me not to worry about it. She would see me when things were quiet again. We were in the middle of a major acquisition, one even bigger than the Denver one that gave me the push to make me President. I had all the reports on my desk, I had discussed it with the board and we were in agreement to push ahead with the acquisition. It was a done deal.

On the few times I thought about Billy, the fear of committing myself again so completely began to surface. She had hurt me so much that I almost lost myself. Of course it also made me bury myself in my work and ultimately pushed me into my current position but at what cost? The more I thought about it the more I decided that being friends with benefits was the best course of action. My decision was reinforced each time I saw Mark. The sight of him still caused my blood to boil and the thoughts of what he and Billy did to me would resurface.

More importantly, I had still not forgiven her or him after all this time. When I was with Billy, I forgot for a time because of her beauty and the fact that I still loved her. But in between those times, I remembered the betrayal. It didn't hurt any more but it bothered me a great deal. I knew she had changed: she wasn't the same old Billy. But she herself said it: nobody changes that much. And she was right. I hadn't forgiven her, and I hadn't forgiven him. Could I? I worried this for weeks without an answer. I guess that was what I was thinking when Paula buzzed me.

"Yes Paula?"

"Stu, Sherri is here to see you. Will you talk to her?"

"Sherri who, Paula? I don't know a Sherri do I?"

"It's Mark's wife, Sherri Fletcher. You met her at the party. I think you should see her."

Sherri Fletcher, Mark's Sherri. What the hell did she want? I was going to tell Paula to have her make an appointment when my curiosity got the better of me.

"OK Paula, send her in, and Paula? This time, shut the door. This has to be personal."

"Right."

I stood politely as Paula showed her in. She was a petite woman, dark hair worn long, dark eyes, a pretty face with dimples when she smiled. Well built but certainly not Mark's usual type. I motioned her to a chair and stood until she sat.

"It's nice to see you again Mrs. Fletcher. Did you enjoy the party?"

"Yes and no. It was a very nice party and I appreciate your inviting me and some of the other wives. I met a lot of Mark's coworkers. And I met Paula and Billy."

"Good. Well, tell me why you're here? Did Mark ask you to talk to me?"

"Mark has no idea I'm here. I wanted to talk to you and let you know what I intend to do. Do you have a few minutes to listen to me?"

"I do. What is it you intend?"

"I intend to get Mark to look for another job with another company."

"May I ask why? Mark is well paid for his work and he does his job very well. I would hate to lose him."

"Excuse me for being blunt, Mr. Davidson, but that is pure bullshit! Mark is the best man for the job in Denver and you gave it to another who is less qualified. Mark told me that it was your revenge for his affair with your ex-wife. Is that true?"

It was, but suddenly I felt less than comfortable saying so to this woman. She was clearly not afraid of me and what I could do to her husband. If she was, she gave me no hint of it. And to be honest, I saw the strength in her face and heard the determination in her voice. How Mark could win a woman like this was a mystery to me. She had at least earned my respect so I would respect her question enough to answer honestly.

"Yes, that's true. I promised myself when I moved to Denver that someday I would pay him back for his betrayal. That time was now. I'm sorry if that bothers you."

"That's not what bothers me. That affair is in the past and Mark has tried to move on. He married me and we have a beautiful baby girl. But Mark is not happy and that is not acceptable to me. If leaving here will make him happy, I will help him do it. Revenge and retribution are not qualities that Mark needs to be exposed to every day. I won't have it, so consider this a warning that Mark will not stay any longer than it takes to find a job with a company that has a President that cares about hard work and dedication rather than revenge."

Damn if she wasn't a firecracker. If Mark had this kind of backbone, maybe things would have been different. As she spoke, I had a thought, one that took root and began to grow. 

"Did Mark tell you about what he did to me? He was the one responsible for the breakup of my marriage. Did he tell you that? That he was one of my best friends and he stabbed me in the back? Did he tell you that as well?"

"Yes, he did. He also told me that he has worked as hard as he can to make it up to you. He told me that you won't talk to him other than here at work but that he continues to do his job as well as he knows how and never asks you for anything. Is that true?"

"Yes, it is. He had done an outstanding job and always has. I never questioned that. I questioned his loyalty."

"Again, that's just bullshit! Mark wants to stay even now to make sure that things don't fall apart when Phillip fails as he knows he will. He told me that he owes it to you to cover for Phil's failures so that you don't get the blame. That's why he's still here. Loyalty to you! 

"But I have no such loyalty. My loyalty is to my child and my marriage so I want Mark out of here. I don't care whether you get blamed for putting someone unqualified in a position that should have been my husband's. Understand that! I will get Mark to see that we are more important than a bitter, vengeful man who cares nothing about him."

I was floored. The more she talked the more I liked this woman. She was the one to put Mark in his place and make him toe the line. He had to love her very much to marry her and she was proving to me that he made the right choice. 

"Sherri. Pardon me but may I call you Sherri?" With her nod, I continued. "I have something to say and I would like you to listen. Will you do that?"

Sherri looked at me, waited an uncomfortably long time before agreeing.

"I hear what you are saying and I respect you for saying it. But, I'm going to ask one thing from you. Sherri, I'm asking you to forget you came here today and give me till tomorrow to make some changes that I've been thinking about. I promise you if you are not satisfied, I will respect your decision and let Mark go with a severance package and I'll give him time to find another job. Will you do that?"

"For the severance package I'll give you the time. I don't expect you to do the right thing but the severance is important to me and my baby and it will give Mark the time he'll need to find another job so, yes, you have the week."

She rose and I rose with her. I gave her my business card with my cell phone number on the back. "If you have any questions or want to change your mind, call me on my cell anytime." I put out a hand to her but she refused to take it. "Will you do that?"

She nodded, turned without another word and walked out the door. She never looked back. A strong woman! She had my respect. I wondered how she could have found anything good in Mark, but I knew it had to be there if she married him, stayed with him, and stand up for him as she did today.

After she left, I sat there in my huge office with the wonderful view and tried once again to decide what I wanted to do. I was almost certain but now that I had to make the final decision, I was unsure. I called up the chart I had been working on before Sherri came to see me and made several changes. I saved it, printed it out and called Paula.

"Paula, would you come in here for a minute? Thank you." 

Paula entered and stood in front of the desk. I handed her the printout. She looked at it and her eyebrows rose, making room for her eyes which opened wider than I thought possible.

"Well? What do you think? Give me your honest opinion and don't hold back."

Paula smiled, looked at the chart one more time and laid it on the desk.

"Congratulations boss. It's about time!" She laughed, walked around the desk to give me a kiss on the forehead.

"Does this mean what I think it means?" She asked.

"I believe it does. Will you send him in?"

"Will do. And you have my blessings. For both."

When Mark came in, I motioned for him to shut the door. He looked worried, glanced at Paula, but did as I instructed. He stood until I told him to take a seat. 

"Mark, I have something to tell you that you have to keep to yourself. We have made an offer to buy Triton Windings, a company that you know very well. The board of Triton accepted the offer and we completed the transfer of ownership. We now own Triton."

Mark looked both relieved and interested. He knew of Triton since he worked there before he joined our company. He always spoke highly of their management and I knew he still had some contacts there. I was mildly pleased that he had not already heard of the deal.

"That terrific! Triton's a great company and will make a good addition to ours. Who are you going to get to run it? I assume Jeffrey is retiring? He was looking for a way out for some time. I'm surprised he didn't say something. I saw him just last week."

I let him talk about his contacts but the question he asked was still laying there, waiting for an answer. I had made the decision and it was mine alone to make. The board had given me approval for three names. I had made my choice.

"Mark, let me ask you a question. When you had your affair with Billy behind my back, what were you thinking when you had to see me at the office the next day?"

I was amused to see Mark's face turn red and his eyes drop to the desk. I watched his mouth as it worked, tasting something bad. I just waited. I wanted to see if he had the balls his wife did. 

"I tried to tell you both times afterwards. When I saw you here at work, I was sick to my stomach for days afterward. I avoided you as much as I could. When I did see you, I tried to get away without you noticing. I knew I had betrayed you and it made me physically ill. But I thought I loved Billy and I couldn't refuse her."

He stopped, his breath coming in gasps. This was making him ill right now, after all this time! He was actually sick! 

"I knew it was wrong but I never thought of it as a betrayal of our friendship. I knew Billy would never leave you and that she used me only when she was mad at you. I knew that and it hurt and I thought the pain was punishment enough. All I can say now is, I'm sorry I ever did it and I wish you could forgive me. I think it's great that you and Billy seem to be friends again. She deserves your forgiveness."

I leaned back with my hands folded on the desk in front of me. I took the chart that I showed Paula and pushed it toward Mark. 

"To answer your first question, look for yourself. That's the final organization chart for the incorporation of Triton."

Mark took the chart, wiped his eyes and read the names. His face twisted in disbelief as he read it again. He put the chart down on the desk and looked up at me.

"Is this a joke? Is this real? You're making me a Vice President and the Managing Director of Triton Windings? Me? Please, Stuart, don't do this if you don't mean it."

"I mean it. I'll ask you the same question I asked you five years ago when I promoted you to my position.: 'Don't you think you can handle it?'"

"I can handle it and I won't disappoint you. You have my word! Thank you for this. I hope it means what I think it means?"

I smiled to myself, thinking that this feeling I had inside was very good. I knew I had done the right thing, finally freeing myself to live again. I looked at Mark and gave in.

"Want to have a drink after work to celebrate?"

Mark left, hopefully to call his wife and tell her the news. I felt good about this move. Did I forgive Mark? Yes, I did, and the forgiveness made me feel wonderful. There was one more thing I wanted to do but I would wait till I got home to do it.

I kept my word and had a drink with Mark after work to celebrate his move. It was long overdue and I knew it. I wasn't ready to welcome him back into my private world but I could meet him socially as well as professionally now. That monkey was off our backs. 

That evening at home, I took my time and had a cold dinner, then took my beer outside to poolside. I sat there looking at the twinkling lights I had the people leave up after the party. I loved those lights. 

I finished my beer, picked up my cell and called Billy.

"Hello?"

"Hi Billy. I have some things I want to tell you. First, I promoted Mark Fletcher to Vice President and Managing Director of Triton Windings today and I had a drink to celebrate with him after work."

"Stuart! I'm so proud of you. I know how hard that was for you but I know Mark and Sherri will be so grateful. He must have been beside himself. How did it make you feel to do it?"

"Good. It felt good to do it and you're right: he was very pleased. But there's one more thing I want to do today."

"What's that Stu? What's left? That was a huge breakthrough. I'd think that would be enough."

"Just one more thing Billy. I forgive you. I forgive you for everything."

I heard the gasp at the other end. I heard the sobs and the fight for breath. I knew what she was feeling and I said nothing, allowing her time. I waited until I heard her take a deep breath then I said, "Goodnight Billy. I'll call you tomorrow."

"I'll be waiting. Goodnight Stu."

I hung up knowing tomorrow would really be the first day of the rest of my life.



Billy Ch. 04



"I had my first doctors appointment, ah, you know, for girl things, when I had my period, all the girls did. It wasn't very much fun, but everyone had to do it. Then we had another exam every six months, more often if there were problems like bad cramps or excess bleeding. Bit I was normal, everything was fine. Nobody ever said anything was wrong."

Billy heard her shuffle and take in several deep breaths. 

"This examination was different. All the other appointments were in the city. There would be a lady doctor and a nurse and I would take my clothes off, they would give me a gown and I would climb up on the table. This time they took me to a nurses aid station in the Church. There was no doctor, just a Nun who was kind of a medical assistant if someone fell or had a stomachache, anything simple. I never liked her. She was fat and dumpy and had a moustache and beady little eyes that were always staring at you. She told me to unbutton my blouse, unhook my bra, take my underwear off and get up on the table.

"I looked around the room, hoping to see someone else, but no one was there. I could smell her breath as she came alongside the table. She put her hands inside my bra and was squeezing my breasts. 'Just checking for lumps, dearie', she said as she pushed and probed at me. Then she took a nipple between her fingers and rubbed it back and forth until it got hard and I was squirming on the table. 'It's all right, honey, just checking you out, everything seems to be okay.' I lifted my arms and pushed her away. She moved to the end of the table, grabbed my ankles and pushed my knees up and my legs apart.

"Oh, Billy, I hate this! I hate it!"

"So do I," he muttered, "More than you know. Go on."

Kathleen sniffed lightly and coughed, "Usually the lady doctor would put plastic gloves on and tell me what she was going to do. The Nun just put her hand between my legs; I felt her touching me until she found a place that was very sensitive. I tried to move away but she put her other hand on my hip and held me there. She kept rubbing me there and I was trying to get away from her. I was going to scream when she finally stopped. Then she put her finger inside me and I had expected that, but, oh, she, she…she just started moving her finger in and out and all around inside me and I was again trying to get away from her. "She took her finger out of me and I was moving, trying to sit up when she…she put her finger in my, God, why did she do that? I screamed, I kicked out and hit her in the chest and she fell. I jumped down off the table and ran to the door, twisted the knob and pushed at the same time. I burst through the door and knocked over a Priest who must have been watching the whole time; he was a tall, skinny, ugly man, his face was all red. I screamed again and ran down the stairs to the front door, down the walkway to the street and kept running until I found the highway and I kept on running.

"It was raining but I didn't even feel it, I ran and ran and a car passed me and stopped in front of me. I thought they had followed me and were going to take me back. I think I would have killed someone if they had tried.

"I looked at the car and it said Real Estate on the side and a lady asked if I was all right. She gave me a ride into town and left me at a pay phone in front of a gas station. I called Julie, I had to call collect, and she wasn't home, but her mother said she would call the school and have Julie come get me. I told her where I was and what the number on the pay phone was. It seemed like forever, but it was just a few minutes before Julie called. I told her I had run away from the Church and I needed her help. She asked if they would come after me, I told her I didn't know, but I wasn't going back. She told me to find a restaurant and tell the waitress that someone was after me and that if anyone bothered me to call 911 and get the police."

Kathleen paused to catch her breath.

"It was an old fashioned mom and pop place and the waitress was really nice; she took me to a back booth and said, 'I don't know who might be chasin' ya kid, but if they come in here, I'll deck'em first, then call the cops. Yur' gonna be all right, I guarantee.' 

"It should have been a good half hour drive, but Julie was there in twenty minutes, sliding to a stop and bursting through the doorway looking frantically for me. I waved and stood up so she could see me, she ran to me and gave me a big hug.

"I didn't want to tell her what happened there in the restaurant but I was really embarrassed so I whispered in her ear. She got really mad and made me get in her car and drove until she found a store and bought me some underclothes. I ran all the way down those streets without any panties on, I was so ashamed.

"That's really all of it, Billy. I told Julie, she was screaming mad and said a whole bunch of bad words and said for certain that I had to talk to you."

Billy's voice was strained as he had fought not to curse during her disclosure. "I…am…so very sorry you had to go through that, Kathleen. I am very angry…"

She giggled, "At least you didn't cuss, Julie was jumping up and down mad."

"I said them under my breath so you wouldn't hear. You're not really thinking about going back there?"

"No, I'm not. But I have no other place I belong; everything I worked for is gone. Julie offered to let me stay with her, and her parents are really nice; but who am I? Without the Church, I don't know who I am or what I am. I never had to think about it before; I have no past, no future, I don't know anyone. I love Julie, but why should her parents take care of me? Why?"

Kathleen easily put her head on his shoulder as Billy moved beside her and placed his arm around her back.

She snuggled her face into his chest and put her arm around his waist, clinging to him. "I'm not afraid of you anymore."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were frightened."

"I wasn't afraid, just a little, well, I've never been naked and alone with a man before, not even alone with someone."

"Kathleen, what has this done to…"

She ran her hand up his chest and silenced him with her fingers.

"I've talked way too much already. I told you everything because you wanted to know. I am here to know a man, know you, Billy, and have you know me. I want to know about loving a man and being loved. Then maybe I can understand what my future will be. Is loving a man and having a family worth giving up the Church? Is it worth giving up living in a state of Grace for always? I don't know. They told me that knowing a man that way would mean that I would fall from Grace and become one of the many who only follow. I can't imagine anything greater than a Union with God so I do not expect much from knowing a man. But I must know for sure. Do you understand, Billy? Can you see what I mean?"

Billy didn't answer immediately, when he did, Kathleen moved away from him and sat apart.

"Kathleen, I am an Atheist. I have never believed in your, 'God', or any gods. I do not accept the concepts of heaven or hell or life beyond death. I know, not believe, but know, that the most destructive evil force on earth, throughout all of history, has been religion. Faith without knowledge; it has destroyed more lives, corrupted more governments and delayed the advancement of mankind more than any other evil. I detest your church more than the rest. I abhor its' existence, had I the power I would destroy every place of worship and prosecute those in charge. What your church has done to you has been done a million fold around the world. I cannot help you resolve your obligation to an ancient medieval ghost that should have died along with vampires and werewolves. If you want to join the human race and strive as we all do to achieve a well-lived life, perhaps I can help. I cannot, will not be a test of man against your god. I think you should leave."

Kathleen sat rigidly quiet for several minutes.

"You said all that just to make me leave. Julie said she didn't think you would see me." She spoke slowly, choosing her words, "You thought you could disgust me and overwhelm my faith, make me hate you for your non-belief. It didn't work. You may not believe in God, but I think you do. How could you not believe? What else is there if you do not look forward to the certain Resurrection? No, Billy, I will not be swayed by your disavowal of faith. I will not let you turn me away by your words. Now, if you don't want to ah, be with me, because you find me unattractive or naïve, fine; then I will leave and find my answer elsewhere. So there!"

Billy smiled. "So you have some spunk?"

"Spunk?"

Billy moved to her, touched her shoulder with his left arm and slipped his arm behind her as she leaned forward. He found her other arm with his hand and moved it to her face and leaned over her. "Perhaps it is time you were kissed by a man, for the first time, you said?"

"You are going to kiss me?"

"Well, only if you want me to. It's, ah… part of getting to know you, so to speak."

She giggled, "You made a little funny."

With his hand resting gently on her cheek, he kissed her forehead and around to the corner of her eye. He brushed his lips on her ears and her nose down to her neck and back to her cheek.

She took several rapid breaths, "I thought people kissed on the mouth, wh…"

He put his lips on hers, exploring in soft gentle pushes as she tried to meet his lips with hers. He kept kissing lightly and moving from side to side until finally he kissed her deeply. She opened her mouth and breathed and brought a hand to his head.

He moved alongside her and took her hand in his. "Tell me everything you are feeling."

"Oh, no, I couldn't!" She gasped.

"Do you want to understand or just get loved? How do your lips feel?"

"The…, they tingle, I think."

"Your breasts?"

"You didn't touch me there." "I know that."

"Oh, all popped out and hard! Why?"

"And between your legs?"

"You are embarrassing me…warm and…wet, I think."

"Why?" He asked.

When she didn't answer, he moved his lips to her throat, across her shoulders and down to a breast and took it into his mouth. A sound escaped her throat as she tried to pull away and then relaxed as he played with her nipple with his tongue.

"Cup your right hand under your right breast and put your left hand behind my head."

"Billy?"

"Pull my head down to you, give me your breast."

"Billy, ohh…" she murmured as they slide down the wall to lay flat on the padded floor.

He moved away, stretched out beside her, touching lightly from foot to thigh to arm to hand. "What are you feeling now, Kathleen?"

"This isn't supposed to be so…so, scary, so...exciting. I can't catch my breath, I feel funny all over. I want you to touch me, and hold me, to kiss me, oh yes, kiss me and squeeze me hard and…oh, Billy, this is not what I thought it would be. I'm not supposed to like it, but…oh…what are you doing to me?"

"I am making love to you, Kathleen. Having sex is what animals do. People make love, not just to have babies but because it gives pleasure, it's nice; it makes you feel alive and wonderful. Do you want me to touch you some more?"

"Oh, yes!" She answered, "Then you, you mean…oh?"

Billy rested on his left elbow, his arm behind her shoulders as his right hand moved from her breasts to her abdomen across her thighs and came to rest between her legs. She brought her knees and her thighs together to prevent him from touching her.

"That place where the Sister touched you before she put her finger inside you; what is that place? What is it called?"

"I…I don't know. But it made me feel all funny before I got mad at her."

"Did they teach you any sex education in your school? Do you know what the word, Clitoris, means?"

"No, I never heard it before."

"Do you know what a 'penis' is?"

She giggled, "Yeah, something to stay away from! That's what some of the girls in my school said."

"Then you have had some conversations about sex then?"

Kathleen sighed, "I was really focused on becoming a Nun. When the other girls started talking about those kinds of things, I left; I didn't listen. They didn't teach us about sex other than feminine hygiene and abstinence, so no, I don't know the words and I don't know what it's all about. I told you, I am here to learn about it, all of it, Okay?"

Silent moments passed, their breathing slowed and Kathleen took her hand away from his. They lay still, his left arm under her shoulders.

After a few moments she sought and found his hand again, "I'm sorry, you made me feel stupid. I got angry. I shouldn't have. I am sorry. What was the word you asked me about? Please help me understand."

Billy answered quietly, "Kathleen, it is I who should apologize. I was angry that they have taught you so little about your own body. It's not your fault; it's mine. I get so mad sometimes at the things people do to other people that it makes me less, ah, less understanding than I should be.

"That place that the Sister was touching, between your legs and covered by soft folds of flesh, is called the, 'clitoris'; it is the female equivalent of the male penis, the most sensitive sexual organ you have. When the clitoris is touched or kissed or rubbed, it grows hard and becomes even more sensitive. When the male organ, the penis, is stimulated, it grows in size and becomes erect and hard so that it can penetrate into the female organ, the vagina, deep enough to fertilize the egg that will eventually become a new human being.

"The female organ, the clitoris, when stimulated, also becomes erect, but it serves no other purpose than to give pleasure to the female during sexual intercourse. The male organ serves as a urine outlet, it also delivers the semen and the sperm that fertilizes the female egg, or ova and like the clitoris is the most sensitive male sexual organ."

Kathleen tried to phrase a question, "You mean that place she touched, the clitoris, is only there, ah, to give pleasure, a good feeling, so that sex can be, ah, good, a…pleasurable and not just a thing that women have to do for men?

"That doesn't make sense in my religion. Why would it be naturally pleasurable but they teach that it is not supposed to be that way? I don't understand. Billy?"

He took her in his arms again. She accepted his kisses and his caresses and when he slipped his hand between her legs, she put her lips into his neck and her arms around his back.

"There?" He asked.

"Oh, yes, there!"

"May I show you?"

"Uhuh…"

He slowly kissed his way down across her breasts and down, she let him push her legs apart as he lowered his chest between her thighs and ran his lips across her abdomen and down.

"Billy?"

She made feeble efforts to keep his head from between her legs, but sighed and let sounds come from her throat as he found her with his mouth. After a few moments she began to anticipate his gentle motion against her and lifted to meet him. She cried out and arched her body as he ran his hands over her thighs and her stomach.

She gasped as he moved his head to her stomach, "Oh, me, oh my, what I was feeling, what you did. It's not supposed to be that way. I don't understand. Why did you do that? You can't make a baby that way!"

He smiled, "Nope, but it does get you ready." Billy removed his clothing and leaned back over her. He kissed her breasts; she lifted to him and put her hands on his head. She moved her legs aside as he moved over her and ran her hands across his back and shoulders. As he slowly pushed into her she went rigid.

"Billy! You're hurting me! It hurts!"

He stopped and lifted and laid his head on her breasts.

"Why does it hurt, Billy? What does it mean" What's wrong with me? Oh, Billy?"

"There is nothing wrong with you, dear Kathleen; you are a virgin, you have never made love before."

"I know that! I tried to tell them. But why does it hurt? Is it supposed to hurt the first time? Why, Billy, why?"

Billy paused for a moment before he spoke, his voice was gentle as he moved to her side and moved his hands over her face and arms and back.

"Kathleen, in almost all young girls there is a thin mucous membrane, called the hymen, a thin layer of skin that partially blocks the opening to the vagina. Some girls have no blockage at all; most girls have just a tiny blockage that can be ruptured by riding a bicycle or a horse or even participating in sports that are strenuous. Some girls have a thicker membrane that causes some pain and bleeding when it is broken during intercourse of the insertion of a foreign object; even a tampon can break a very thin layer of skin. Some girls have a very thick membrane that may have to be surgically removed before they can have sexual intercourse without pain. Your hymen seems to be very thick; you may have to go to a gynecologist to solve the problem." He ran his hands through her hair, "There is nothing at all wrong with you."

Kathleen had control of her voice and her thoughts, "Billy, can a doctor tell if you are a virgin" I mean, can they tell when they examine you, ah, tell if the, ah, hymen is still there?"

"Yes," he answered, "You can, well, uh, you can use a mirror and look yourself and see if there is a blockage."

"Oh…" She paused a moment he could hear her rapid breathing, "Oh! Oh. Then, then…they knew I was a virgin; that I had never been with a man that way" They knew? They could see?" Then why did they…why did…Oh my God, they did know. The Mother Superior knew! The Priests' knew, they all knew. They were going to use me like Maria said! Oh…this is so terrible; it just can't be so! They planned the whole time to use me that way. Oh, Billy, Oh God, how could this be?"

Billy held her in his arms as she sobbed and clung to him; then she became angry and moved away from him and sat against the wall, hissing and breathing as if she were preparing to deliver a child.

"Bastards!" Kathleen exclaimed with a vengeance, "Dirty rotten Bastards!"

"That's my girl!" Grinned Billy, "Get mad, get angry, let it out!"

"I'm sorry, I apologize. I never use words like that."

Billy tightened his arms around her, "Dear child, there is a time and a place for almost everything. You said the right thing at the right time; you owe no apology, nor should you feel guilty. I have much worse words and thoughts than those."

She turned to him in the darkness, reaching out a hand, "You really are an Atheist, aren't you?"

"Yes, Kathleen, I am."

"Billy?"

"Yes?"

"I want you to try again, please."

"Kathleen, I don't want to hurt you, maybe you should go to a Doctor and…"

"No! I'll never trust a Doctor again, not for anything! No!"

Billy wrapped his arms around her, rolled to his left, lifted her over him and eased her legs apart as he held her by the arms above him.

"What are you doing?"

He moved her over him and grasped himself to enter her when she rolled away and aside. "No."

"I don't want to hurt you, Kathleen! Do you understand? I just don't want to hurt you!"

"Oh, Billy someone, I know you don't want to hurt me, I know! You are a kind and gentle man and patient; but I don't want to leave here until…please, just take me and make me do it even if I scream and fight! Just do it and get it over with and, oh, please, Billy, just…"

He rolled her over on her back, his face in her neck, one hand in her hair bending her head backwards, the other hand roughly exploring her body, her breasts, her thighs, her back; touching and pushing and forcing her to submit and accept him. He forced her legs apart and roughly forced a thumb inside her and then two fingers as he stretched her. She groaned and struggled against him. Her took her wrists in his hands and held her down as he blindly searched for her opening. She screamed as he entered and screamed again as he thrust against her and again as he penetrated further and again as he came fully inside her.




Billy Ch. 04



"Oh, please, Billy, stop; you're hurting me, oh, please, please stop, it hurts so much, please…"

But he didn't stop, he kept moving against her. He released her arms and placed both hands in her hair, his face in her neck and he thrust firmly against her again and again and again.

She lay unmoving beneath him as he moved inside her, her legs open and flat on the padded floor, her arms open, her fingers opening and closing, her head moving from side to side as she cried out.

The pain gradually faded as she felt the urge to meet his thrusts; her arms came up to rest on his back as he continued to rhythmically push against her. A long sigh and a moan escaped her lips as her knees came up and her legs moved in to hold him. She observed rather than directed as her arms clasped him tightly and her legs lifted to surround his body. With surprise, she felt herself lift to meet him as he moved against her, the pain forgotten, the journey perceived. As he kept moving against her she felt a direction, a path, a goal and moved her body towards it. She arched upward and held as he held and arched again and held and shuddered and fell back, exhausted and fulfilled from an unknown longing and closed her eyes.

Billy lay quietly as her breathing subsided, she still clung to him, arms and legs clamped around him, her head to the side, her eyes closed.

"Now I understand why they don't want us to know about this." She whispered to him.

"I'm sorry I didn't stop when you asked me to, Kathleen, I'm sorry I caused you so much pain."

"Oh, no, Billy. If you had stopped I wouldn't have known what, ah, I would have known just the pain. But you took me past the pain; if you had stopped, I probably wouldn't have wanted to try again and I wouldn't know what…" Billy, what happened to me? Why did I keep wanting you even though it hurt? Why did, what did it mean when it was finally, I mean when I didn't want to push against you anymore? What happened to me?"

Billy was very gentle in his voice, "Kathleen, how do you feel right now? How does your body feel" What is your mood?"

She considered for a moment, "I…my body is relaxed, at ease, warm and full and content. My mood? My mind? I am in awe of what just happened. I feel happy and fulfilled and, ah...well… loving; I want to hold you like this forever. The truth is, I have no idea what I and thinking or feeling right now. I've never felt anything like this before. I don't know how to understand it…but I think I like it."

"Climax, completion, orgasm, finished, there are many words, Kathleen, it is nature's way of saying, 'well done', in an effort to create a new life. There is no better feeling." Billy moved slowly away as her legs dropped from around him and her arms fell away from his back. She rested her head on his chest, his arm around her back, their legs touching lightly. He ran his fingers through her hair, his hand up and down her arm. They lay quietly for many moments.

"Billy?"

"Umm?"

"Uh, it's all wet and cold underneath me, do you have a bathroom? I think maybe I'm bleeding or something."

He sat up quickly, "Oh, damn, I'm sorry. Yes, here, take my hand. There are two doors; the light will come on after the second door. Every thing you need is in there; here…" He took her hand and led her to the doorway.

It was several long minutes before he heard the sounds of her coming back into the darkened room. He reached out for her hand. "Are you all right? Has the bleeding stopped? Kathleen?"

She laughed lightly and put her hand on his face, "I'm fine, Billy. There's no more bleeding. I brought a damp towel to clean the floor. Show me where we were, okay?

Billy led her across the room and she found and cleaned the area and then went back through the doorway and came back into the room again, reaching for his hand. He wrapped his arms around her, "Are you sure you are all right? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, but I sure made a mess. The towels are soaking in cold water; I hope they don't stain. I'm okay, please don't worry about me."

They found there way to a wall and sat down, shoulder to shoulder, she clung on to his hand.

After a few moments he asked, "Are you sure you are all right?"

She released his hand and touched his face and moved her head and kissed his cheek. "Yes, I'm fine, Billy. Better than fine; I'm alive and excited about tomorrow and the day after. I've never felt that way before. I feel so different but I'm not frightened, just, well, a little anxious about what to do and what happens when I do it, whatever it is."

"Kathleen."

"Yes?"

His voice changed and he spoke in precise terms, "I want your permission to prosecute the woman who did those things to you. What she did was sexual molestation against a minor in her control; it is a crime and should be punished. Do you understand me?"

Kathleen was taken aback, "You want me to bring the Police into the Church, against one of the Sisters? That's terrible!"

"Kathleen, do you have friends about your age in the Church. Girls that might have to go through the same thing you did?"

"Oh!" She gasped, "Oh, no…"

"When good people don't act to stop bad people, bad people win. Are there girls there that may not be as strong as you were, who would not fight, who would just give in to what might happen? Do you want that?"

"What can I do?"

"I want you to tell me again everything that you told me before. This time I will tape record it and I will try to have that Sister taken to court and prosecuted. You need to say your full name and the date and time and that you are saying it of your own free will. You need to do this."

After she was finished, she sat quietly for a moment.

"The tape is off now?"

"Yes."

"That's really it, isn't it? I have really left the Church; not only left it, but I've gone against it. Haven't I?"

Billy sat quiet for a moment, "Kathleen, there is right and wrong in this world. We, who live our lives day to day, making decisions on important and unimportant things, are always faced with the consequences of making decisions that affect other people. It is the cost of freedom, the price of staying free. It is a choice I have to make each day; it is a choice you will have to make each day. You have made a good choice this day but I will not be there when you are faced with your next choice. You will have to do it on your own. Living with freedom is not easy, but if we are to ever become fully human, it is the only path to follow."

"Billy."

"Yes?"

"Kiss my face again, like you did before."

"Did you hear what I was saying?"

"Every word, you wonderful man."

Billy smiled in the darkness, loosened his fingers from hers and moved his hand up her arm to her hair and to her face. He moved his lips to her forehead and to her eyes as they slid down the wall to lie side by side on the padded floor. He kissed her lightly and warmly and then fully as she responded to him. To her surprise, he turned and lifted her over him, pressing his knees between her legs and guiding her hand between his legs. "If you want to hurt yourself, you can, but I won't hurt you again."


"I don't care if it hurts!" She put her other hand on the floor, startled as she felt his hardness in her hand. "But, I don't know what to do…ohhh…Billy, ahhh…" She guided him into her slowly, "It doesn't hurt that much…it's just…oh, damn!" She lowered herself onto him and stopped with him fully inside. She panted and gasped and he grasped her arms. "Oh, Billy!"

She straddled him, not moving as he ran his hands up and down her body caressing and touching and soothing and loving her until she felt the freedom to move and explore the sensations arising deep within her. When a sound escaped her lips and she moved against him, he moved his hands to her breasts and roughly massaged them and squeezed her nipples until she groaned and thrust harder against him, moving her hips up and down and from side to side.

After a few moments, he roughly grasped her shoulders, turned her on her back and thrust against her forcefully and grasped her shoulders painfully tight in his hands As he pushed harder and faster she began to follow his passion and met him as he came against her. She sensed when his quest peaked and then offered herself to him, accepting as he forced her back again and again and finally gasped and moaned and quivered as she clung tightly to him.

It was several minutes before Kathleen's very quiet voice came into his ear: "You asked me how I felt earlier; do you feel the same way now? Does it make you feel whole and complete and happy? Tell me, Billy."

He gathered her in his arms and kissed her tenderly on her face, "Yes, Kathleen, I feel what you did, you make me happy."

"I'm glad, that's what I wanted you to feel, with me."



Billy Ch. 05



“God, Billy! She’s a different person!” Julie laughed into the telephone, “Although I had to help her up the steps, poor girl couldn’t hardly walk! And…and, she spent the whole day soaking in hot water! As if I didn’t know what she was going through! But, Billy, thank you, she really thanks you too; no one else could have made her feel better, what she went through, her whole life…it was so hard for her.

“Billy, could I come see you again? Please. Just to talk. I want to spend the night; I want to go to sleep with you beside me. Not sex, just to sleep with you, hold you, to be with you. Can you do that? Billy? Please.”

“It will be good to see you again, Julie. When?”

 ~ ~ ~

“You look very nice.”

Julie sat quietly in the small room with the chair and two tables. She had placed a small handbag on the floor in front of her feet. She gestured at her blue jeans and blouse, “They’re just clothes, nothing special. Is this the room you built for Molly so you could just talk to her?” She smiled, “Didn’t work, did it?”

“No,” he chuckled, “But I tried, I really did.”

“I know. Billy, in a way I want to apologize for all of this; Maria and Molly and Kathleen, but…I wonder if you know how much you have done for them?”

It was quiet for a moment, “No, Julie, I am not sure. The things that have happened have changed their lives and mine. I don’t know if it is right, even with you.”

“Oh, Billy, I was afraid you would feel like that. You are so wrong. I needed you, they did too…please believe me.”

“Would you like to come in now?”

Julie sat for a moment looking into the mirror in front of her. “You can see me in here?”

“Yes.”

She lowered her head, “You made love to me; you touched my body and my heart and my soul. I want you to see me, too.”

She could hear his breathing from the speakers on each side of the mirror. “Julie…I don’t think I understand you. I don’t know if I should look at you that way, I don’t think it is proper for me.”

“Billy, I’m not sure I understand myself either. I know you have seen me before; you know what I look like, who I am. But no one except those bastards that raped me has ever seen me naked. That doesn’t seem right to me, I didn’t have a choice; they just ripped my clothes off. I wish I could stand before you in the light and let you look at my body and look into your eyes.”

“Julie, I am more than happy to look at your lovely self; come up next to the mirror and look straight ahead.”

She blushed and giggled lightly, “Oh, my, now I’m all self conscious and gee, I’m shaking…isn’t that silly? You sure you won’t come out here and undress me?”

“Nope, can’t do that.”

Julie stood up and moved closer to the mirror and began slowly, but methodically to remove her clothing. As she dropped her brassiere and pulled her shoulders back, she let her hands drop to her side.

“They look as good as they tasted!” Said a smiling Billy.

“Bad man!” Laughed Julie. She quickly took her jeans off and stepped out of her panties, turned completely around and faced the mirror again.

“You are as lovely as I thought you would be, Julie…someday…no, I don’t know…”

“What, Billy, what were you going to say?”

“Would you like to come in here now?” He asked.

“Okay.”

The sliding panel that covered the one-way mirror closed, the lights in the small room went out and the sound of a sliding door opening made her eyes blink as she found the small bag, put a hand out in front of her and moved to the doorway.

He took her hand as the door closed and put his arms around her as they stepped into the darkened room. He held her that way for a moment until she moved her arms to his back and hugged him to her. He led her to a wall and they both slid down and sat side by side, hand in hand.

“You looked sad when you came in the room.”

“I’m not really sad, just, well, kinda confused. I think I need to talk to you, I think I do.”

“That’s fine, I’m here for you.”

“I know, Billy, I don’t know what I would do without you being here for me.”

“Would you like a drink, some music…you wanted to stay the night?”

“That would be nice…white wine? You don’t mind if I stay?”

“Not at all…just a minute…”

She carefully lifted the glass to her lips in the darkness, “That’s good, what kind of music is that, I’ve never heard anything like it?”

“Jazz, Samba, Brazil; things I like to listen to.”

“It’s nice, quiet but exciting, I like it.”

They sat side by side quietly for several minutes listening and sipping as the music changed from passionate and rhythmic to slow and sensual. They put their glasses aside and stretched out on the padded floor, Julie’s head on his chest, her arm across his abdomen, a leg across his legs. “This is nice,” she whispered.

“Mikey doesn’t want me anymore.” Her voice was strained, “He didn’t call me and he was never home when I called him. He was avoiding me in school so I confronted him and asked him why. He wouldn’t talk then but he agreed to meet me later. But he wouldn’t talk to me then, either. We just sat in the car and I couldn’t find a way to get him to talk to me. So I put my arm around him and I tried to kiss his mouth but he wouldn’t kiss me back. He just gently pushed me away; he wouldn’t look me in the eyes. I got out of the car and walked back home; I didn’t cry, I was glad it was over.”

“Is it over?” Asked Billy.

Julie’s voice wavered as she tried to answer, “I was ready to sleep with him, to have him make love to me. To show him that I still loved him; that I wanted our future to be together. I…I was half hoping he would love me and still want to marry me…but, oh…I, wasn’t sure. I was also hoping he would set me free, not try to keep things the way they were out of some obligation to me, to us. I thought I was ready to accept either way he decided. But, dammit! It hurt when he rejected me, when he didn’t want me! He made the choice, not me, and it hurts.”

Billy tightened his arms around her, running his hands through her hair and up and down his back as she cried into his chest. “Sweet lovely Julie Ann…one day you will know how much I love and adore you and why and you will know why it is so hurtful to me to know what you feel.” He paused for a moment, stroking her back, “Julie, I can’t say that what happened between you and Mike is right or wrong or good or bad, I don’t know. But, it has happened and you have to live with it and so does he. I would think that he too is suffering over what happened to you. Maybe he doesn’t understand his feelings either. Maybe he is ashamed of his feeling the way he does. Maybe also, he, as you, has found a way to separate for a while in order to sort things out. Maybe, only maybe, that’s a good thing. Three or four years together, dating no one else, not even looking for anyone else, starting at age, what, fourteen or fifteen? Maybe you both needed a way to look around…”

“Oh Billy, that’s what I was thinking but I couldn’t put it into words. I don’t know how I really feel inside; maybe he doesn’t either. Maybe we will never know. Oh! Why is life so hard sometimes?” Julie let out a long sigh.

Billy didn’t answer but let a long audible sigh pass his lips.

“And what did that mean?” She asked.

“Nothing, Julie, sorry.”

“No, it meant something, what’s wrong?”

“Julie, I have some things that trouble me too. Things I can’t tell you about, other things as a result of reaching out to you and Maria and Molly and now Kathleen. For a long time now I have not been, ah…involved in personal matters. Julie, I want your life to go forward. I want you to be happy and optimistic about the future but I can’t become involved, I can’t help you, I can’t tell you what is best for you or what choices to make. But I am torn apart because I want to help, I want to be a part of your life, I wish I could be a part of your life but I can’t.

“I also have to tell you that holding you close like this after looking at you, makes me want to kiss you and caress you and feel you respond to me as a woman, as someone I love and want to help. I know your life is confused and terribly trying right now, but so is mine. I feel like I need…I want you to hold me and comfort me and tell me that it will be all right…”

“Oh Billy, I never heard that in your voice before, I’m so sorry. I think of you as being so strong and always being able to find a way to make me feel better and help me. I haven’t thought about how you might feel about all this. I love you. I want to hold you; I want you to hold me. I lied when I said I just wanted to be here. I need you. I need you to love me. I need to know that you want me and need me; that I am worthy of being wanted and needed. Billy, it doesn’t make you weak that you want me too, it makes you human and alive to me. Please hold me, touch me, talk to me, and love me. Whatever you want, I want. Hold me tight! Squeeze me till I pop! Oh, Billy!”

He rolled over on top of her as she pulled his shirt over his head then loosened his pants. They came together and moved slowly with gentle soft kisses and touches. After long minutes of moving and touching and kissing, he lay still on top of her.

“I didn’t know it could be this way…just loving and holding…not going anywhere…Billy, I do love you.”

“I could never explain to you how I feel when you say that, Julie.” He pulled her to the side, still connected, as they lay facing each other in the darkness. He touched her face and ran his fingers through her hair. “Julie, I need you to give Kathleen a place to stay for a while; I will put money into a special account for her.”

“You don’t need to do that. She’s my friend, I want to help her; my parents want to help her.”

“Kathleen needs to make her own way. She needs to be independent. Help her get a job; help her decide what she wants to do. Don’t support her. Let me do that until she can take care of herself.” His voice was firm.

Julie answered with understanding but not agreement, “She told me you were going to try to prosecute those people. Is there more?

“Yes.”

“Billy?”

“Yes.”

“Molly wants to see you again.”

“I know.”

“Are you going to see her?”

Silence.

She pulled him over her again, “I want to feel your face on my chest,” she said quietly.

They slept that way.



Billy Ch. 05



When I finished the last chapter of Billy, I thought I had made it clear where I expected things to go. But I've had so many requests to finish it that I finally decided to do so. I hope this isn't a mistake and doesn't ruin the story for anyone, but I know what I intended for Stuart and Billy and this will make that clear. My appreciation for everyone who read and enjoyed Billy. I loved writing it and I'm glad so many of you enjoyed reading it. Just a note: if you haven't read Billy, this will not make much sense for you.

This is so short, I decided to chance it without LadyCibelle who is on vacation. All mistakes are mine.

I sat at the head table with several of the top executives of General Winding and Coil Inc, the parent company of True Wire and Triton as well as several others. We had finished the meal of rubber chicken, the overdone vegetables and the wilting ice cream concoction they called dessert and now it was time for the purpose of this gathering. I waited as the dishes were cleared away and coffee and tea were served. I watched as Phillip Anthony, the VP of HR rose and walked up to the podium. Finally, after a wild and often difficult journey, it was time.

Among those at this table, I was the man: the top guy, President and CEO of General Winding. I had held that position for almost ten years now, ever since Ryan Erinson had surprised me in Denver. That was the reason I found myself in Pittsburgh as the top man. And truth be told, I had enjoyed my journey but it was time for me to pass the baton as they say. I was trying to listen to the parade of well wishers making speech after speech about how much they were going to miss me when I officially retired. I listened with what I hoped appeared to be rapt attention, smiling and nodding as if I actually heard the words they were saying. I knew it was all for my benefit and I appreciated it but I was tired, and I was ready to let it all go. 

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I stood amid great applause and walked over to the podium to take my turn at trying to express feelings that were so intense I doubted I could ever find the right words. I looked over the large group seated around tables in the huge ballroom and tried to pick out faces in that crowd. I saw Mark Fletcher and his wife Sherri; Paula, now retired and married to Wallace Grumman; Ryan Erinson who found time to come tonight to my eternal gratitude, Will Haley and his brand new wife Penny; and my own daughter Penny and her husband Luke, in from Germany to wish me well. I gave each a smile and a nod to let them know they were appreciated. Only one face was missing. My wife wasn't here and I missed her.

I waited until the applause had run its course then began my prepared statements. I talked about the company, how much I enjoyed working there, the many people I had met and found to be friends, the times we shared, some good and a few bad. General words that could never express what this company had meant to me. But I tried, and they seemed to understand the sentiment behind the words so it was all right. I looked at the faces that meant so much to me and to others who I never had time to meet but who still felt that they knew me and were here to wish me well. I tried to make eye contact with everyone. As I finished my prepared statements, I put down my notes, took off my glasses and looked out at this crowd who wanted to say goodbye. I had a few personal thoughts I wanted to express. I had to wait until the lump in my throat became small enough to let me go on. I looked out over that silent crowd, faces turned toward me, waiting.

"I want to say to you now, that this company, and the people who I have had the great privilege of working with and coming to know have been my family for the past ten years. I want to say a personal thanks to Ryan, and to Paula, to Mark and Will and so many others who have helped me along the way. Some have taught me lessons in business that helped me become successful for which I am grateful. Others taught me humility and compassion and for those gifts I say a special thank you. I will never forget any of you and all you have meant to me. To all of you, I say good night and good bye." 

I walked back to my seat amid thunderous applause and slaps on the back from those seated around me. I was humbled once again by the outpouring of emotion from my audience. I didn't know whether I deserved it but I hoped it meant that they had approved of my tenure. I stood once again and waved my thanks and tried to get them to quiet. It took several minutes and I stood there, tears beginning to blur the crowd until one by one, they began to sit. There were one or two more speeches and then it was over. 

I spent the next hour talking to people as they came up to wish me well and to say their personal goodbyes. I was proud of the fact that I could greet almost all of them by name and most of their spouses. I had tried to be a leader with humanity and compassion and I think I succeeded. I know I had help along the way. I spent some time with Paula and Wallace who she met at a party I gave when I first started back in Pittsburgh. Will Haley met his wife Penny at the same party. Penny was a personal friend of Billy. She was now also my good friend. Ryan said his peace but left early to fly back to Denver. Mark and Sherri stopped and I got a big hug from Sherri. She whispered a thank you in my ear and I winked conspiratorially at her, making Mark blink in surprise. I don't think he ever knew of that day Sherri came to see me. 

My daughter Penny came back to see me to ask me when I was leaving. She and Luke were catching a late flight back to Germany and she wanted some time before they had to leave. I told her I was ready and we left together, waving at people as I did. I almost hated to go, since it was probably the last time I would see most of them. But it was time. And I was tired.

We drove back to my place, the house I bought when I moved back to Pittsburgh, the house that Billy helped me pick out. The house where Paula and Billy hosted the first party I gave and the one that meant so much to me and so many others. I loved that place and would never consider moving from there, even now with retirement meaning I was free to travel and do whatever I wanted. It was way too big now but I did love the place and the many memories it held. 

I spent the next hour with Penny and Luke and we talked about my grandchildren and made plans for me to visit with them during the holidays. We said our goodbyes, then I walked with them out to the front door to wait for the limo that I had hired to take them to the airport. I hated to see them go but Luke had to get back to work as did Penny so I let them go reluctantly. I watched the limo until it disappeared around the bend leaving my neighborhood and some good memories behind. I stood there, looking around at my neighbors and their perfect yards. Actually, most of those yards were made perfect by gardeners or landscape people, who did all the actual work. With a feeling of some pride, I knew that my yard was made perfect by the loving hands of my wife.

I went back inside to work some more on packing up all my files and work related papers. I had many that I had accumulated over the years that I was President. While I did little real work, I did have to read hundreds of reports that told me the company was doing pretty good. Most of those reports were confidential and had to be checked into the company vaults. Since I was one of the few authorized to enter that lair, I was responsible to make sure they were checked in properly. 

I finished what I could, made myself a snack from frozen pizza and cold beer and took it outside to my chair looking over the pool. I sat back, kicked off my shoes and sighed the sigh of the contented. Life was good. Life had been good to me and it continued right up to tonight. It had been good seeing all my friends, my daughter and her husband and those that had retired before me. Life was really just a series of friends, made and lost along the way. In my case, I had not lost many, for which I offered up a prayer of thanks. 

It was almost midnight before I went back in. I looked around the house, all of a sudden feeling lonely. I had been content for most of the evening but now that all the excitement had worn off and everyone had gone home, I felt it. I walked slowly through the rooms, remembering that night when Billy had hosted my party. I remembered the dress she wore, the one that took my breath away. And I remembered the way she took control, how she made everyone she met remember her beauty. I remembered too the evening after everyone left and how we made love. I remembered at times like this. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to forget. Just for tonight. 

I went in to bed and tried to sleep but it was impossible. So many memories, so many thoughts of tomorrow and the day after that. What was I going to do with all that free time once I turned the keys over to Mark. No more meetings, no more decisions with the fate of people riding on my word, no more responsibility. At one time, those thoughts were a pleasure but tonight, lying here alone in the dark, they were more of a worry. What the hell was I going to do? What was I going to do with my time now that no one needed me? The self pity was getting to me and I decided to get back up and do something to take my mind off of it.

I sat at the table in my kitchen and then decided: what the hell, I was going to do it. I had resisted all day and all evening but now it was too much for me to ignore. I checked my watch: it was only two thirty in the morning. Was that late enough? What time was that in Gravesend, a small village just outside London? It had to be almost seven thirty? Was that too early? Maybe. I decided to wait another half hour, until eight o'clock. That was plenty of time for people to be up and awake. I decided to fix some coffee since I was going to be up. No going back to sleep, since I never got to sleep in the first place. Damn that party! Why did it have to be this week? Oh well, it was over and it was great and I actually loved every minute of it. At least then. Now? I was lonely.

I had a cup of coffee, then another, watching the clock as the big hand slowly moved toward the twelve. I rinsed out my cup, set the cup in the drain board and waited. I picked up the phone, got the number from the bulletin board and waited. Now! I dialed the access code for England, then the local number and exchange, and then waited. 

"Hello? Who's this so bloody early on a Saturday?" The person answering was certainly not happy to have a call this early. But it was eight o'bloody clock! 

"Hello. This is Stuart Davidson. From the US of A. I'm trying to reach my wife. Is she available?"

"Oh well of course, Stuart is it. This is Franny, your stepdaughter. And it's good to talk to you. I'm sorry you couldn't come over but maybe some time we could all meet. That would be bloody jolly."

"Yes I would love that. Sometime soon. But is she there? Can I talk to her?"

"Well hold your bloody horses! Of course you may. She's already up and about but I'll go fetch her just you wait." I heard the phone clunk apparently on a table as Franny went off in search of my wife. Now that I had called, I felt much better. My loneliness had retreated into the background.

"Stuart, she says to tell you to wait by the phone and she will call you back. She's just getting out of the shower and she doesn't want you holding all that time. So, you hang up and she'll be back to you right away. Goodbye then."

Before I could tell her that I was willing to wait, she hung up. Damn! Step daughter or not, she sounded like a flake. But she was the reason for this trip. Franny had just had a child, and this trip was a chance to see the baby for the first time. 

Just as I was about to call back, the phone rang. I picked up on the first ring. 

"Hello?"

"Hello Stuart. Are you there? I can just barely hear you."

"Yes, I'm here. God it's good to hear your voice. I've missed you so much, and I'm so damned lonely here without you. I hate this, being away from you."

"But Stu, you know I had to come. I had to see my daughter and my granddaughter. You know how much this trip meant to me. And I have you to thank for it so don't you start complaining to me about being lonely. It's all your fault. And I love you all the more for it."

"I know. Now that I hear your voice, I feel better. I'm not so lonely any more. How is the trip going? Is it all you hoped? Did you meet both your daughters? And what's the baby like? Talk to me. Tell me everything."

We talked for an hour or more while she told me all about seeing her daughters for the first time in almost twenty years. Separated from them by divorce, she was forbidden to see them or speak to them and when they moved to England she gave up ever finding them again. I knew little about them but with some private investigators, found where they had moved and made the overture to them to allow her to visit. They were all excited to meet her and were overjoyed to hear from me. Their father had died right after they moved there and they lost most contacts back in the states. 

I arranged the trip and made reservations for all of them to come together in London. I wanted to go but it was unfortunate that my retirement party fell just the same week that Fran was to deliver her third child. Since the parties were already scheduled both here and in London, I couldn't make this trip, and it couldn't be postponed.

"I'm so happy Stuart. This trip has been like a miracle for me. I've met my daughters again after so many years and I have four lovely grandbabies. You'll love all of them, just as you do your own. I have never been happier, except for the day you asked me to marry you. I love you Stuart Davidson. I love you more and more every day."

"And I love you too Billy. More and more every day. Please come home as soon as you can. We have a future to plan for and I want you with me every step of the way."

As you can see, I brought Billy and Stuart back together. They never stopped loving each other and time changed both enough that they could start over. That chance doesn't come to many, but since I control this world, it did for them. Thanks for reading.

The end.



Billy Ch. 06



MOLLY

She stood before the one-way-mirror, her shoulders back, her hard nippled breasts pushing against the white silk blouse unbuttoned at the neck, her hips thrust forward tight against the mid-thigh length light blue skirt.

“No.” she stared into the mirror and smiled.

“You don’t want to take your clothes off?” questioned Billy.

“You want ‘em off, you take them off…” She shot back.

“I can do that!” Billy’s voice came through the speakers as the lights went out and sound of the door opening permeated the darkness.

As Molly stepped up through the doorway she gasped as she felt his hands hard around her waist. She grunted as he pushed her roughly against a padded wall, closed her eyes and smiled as he yanked the tight skirt up over her hips and reached for the panties that weren’t there.

“Gotcha!” She giggled, and then groaned as he lifted her off the floor against the wall and gasped as he came into her fully and harshly as she tore the front of her blouse open and pushed her bare breasts into his face. She clung to him as he slammed her against the wall, digging her fingers into his back, sinking her teeth into his neck and arms and shoulders. He fell to his knees, continuing to thrust against her as she clung to him, sank his mouth and teeth into her neck. Flat on her back, then rolling across the floor, first one on top then the other. It ended as he thrust against her, head and shoulders against a wall, her arms and legs clamped about his body.

They were left panting and gasping in each others’ arms.

“You’re gonna kill me one of these times!”

“You’re gonna kill me one of these times!”

They both laughed and slid to the floor still holding tightly to each other.

“Why wouldn’t you call me? I left seven different notes!”

“I was tempted to call you every day, even before you left a note.”

“Well for crying out loud, why didn’t you?”

Silence.

“Damn,” cursed Molly, “Still trying to be Mister nice guy. Don’t you know I want you? I need you, I want to be with you as much as I can be for as long as I can be and I know…I know…it’s not going to be much longer. But while it can be, let it be! Call me when you want me, answer me when I want you! Please Billy, damn, I’m only alive when I’m with you! Don’t you understand?”

“You’re only alive when you’re with me? Asked Billy, “Do you know what you are saying? So you understand what you said?”

“Yes, Goddamnit! I know how old I am. I know how young you think I am. I also know I have waited for you all my life. I read about you. I dreamed about you. I fantasized about you and here you are! My perfect lover, my soul-mate, the man I always dreamed about but knew I would never have. But at this moment, now, I have you and I’ll have you again and again and again and then you’ll be gone and I don’t know why but I know it! I hate it, but I know it! Every time we are together it’s fire and thunder and lightning and I die and I’m reborn and I live again. I don’t know why it is this way but it is and if it cost me my life I would pursue it, pursue you through hell if I had to.”

“You read too much.”

“Goddamn you, Billy,” she hissed, “You know you can’t read too much. I’ve read enough to realize that most people don’t live at all; they just exist. I’ve read enough to understand that if you don’t reach out and grasp as much as you can then you lose your will to love, to live, to grow, to expand, to be, to become. Yes, I read a lot, but to understand, to comprehend, to learn; not to memorize, not to quote, not to…ohhh…Billy…”

Billy moved over her, poised against her but didn’t enter her. He kissed her face and her arms and her neck and finally her mouth as she opened her lips to him.

“Molly,” he whispered, “You have such a beautiful mind…I don’t know which I desire the most, your gorgeous tiny body, your heart, your soul, that marvelously quick and sharp and deep mind. When I love you, I love all of you and I don’t know which part of you I love the most…”

“Dammit Billy,” she moaned, “I don’t care which part of me you are loving, just love the hell out of it!” She dug her fingers into his back and lifted to him.

He groaned and pushed inside her.

They lay quietly again, his head on her stomach, his arms behind her shoulders, her hands on his head.

“Billy?”

“Yes, Molly.”

“I, uh…I want you to do me a favor.”

“A favor? What does that mean?”

“Well, something you do for someone just because they asked you to do it for them.”

“What is it?”

“You’re not supposed to ask what it is. You’re supposed to just say, okay.”

“Who is it, Molly?”

“Talk about quick minds…ah…my sister.”

“Your sister?”

“Yeah.”

“Holly?”

“Yes.”

“What about her?”

“She wants to see you.”

“She wants to see me?” Billy lifted his head, “Why would she want to see me?”

“She’s got a problem.”

“A problem?”

“Yes, a problem.”

“Molly, what the hell is going on here? You’re beating around the bush, you’re not making any sense at all and why should I be concerned about your sisters’ problems? Answer me that!”

“I think I caused the problem.”

“You caused the problem? How could you have caused your sister a problem that I can help with? What do you mean?”

“You.”

“Me?” Asked Billy.

Molly pulled a little away from him, “Holly, like a lot of other people, saw what happened to Julie and then to Maria and then me and Kathleen. She put things together and came up with, ‘ a man’, as the answer. She cornered me and asked what was going on and who, ‘he’ was. I didn’t tell her anything but she wouldn’t stop. She followed me and saw me get into your car at the Library. She doesn’t know anything, but she is trying to find out.”

“But why does she want to see me?” He asked, “What does she want?”

“She won’t tell me,” said Molly, “She just says that if someone helped Julie and me that she wanted to talk to him, that’s all she said.” Molly lowered her head in the darkness.

“She just wants to talk?” Asked Billy.

“That’s what she said.”

“Isn’t that what you said to me before?”

Molly didn’t answer.



Billy Ch. 07



Sisters they might be, but sisters they didn't appear to be.

Holly sat in the chair before the mirror, confident and self conscious, adjusting her hair, her skirt; her body position; all directed at presenting her best face forward. Billy watched her as she removed the blindfold, adjusted her blouse and loose skirt, looked around and then peered straight ahead with a pleasant expression on her face. She displayed the friendly, open, social side of her nature, so opposite to the anti-social façade of Molly. She was patient as the moments passed, seeming neither nervous nor anxious.

She started slightly at the sound of his voice, "Why are you here, Holly?"

She looked up at the mirror and smiled, showing perfect teeth, "I can't see you. Can you see me through that glass?"

"Yes, I can see you. Why are you here?"

"What did Molly tell you?"

"Only that you wanted to talk to me," answered Billy

"Talk to you?" Her eyes opened wide as she squirmed in the chair.

"That's what she said; that you had a problem and wanted to talk to me."

"Oh," Holly lowered her eyes.

"So...what is the problem and how can I help you?" Asked Billy.

She looked nervously around the room, "Since Molly didn't tell you anything, it makes it rather more difficult for me to talk to you about why I am here."

"You didn't come here to talk to me?"

"Not really," she blushed.

"I'm almost afraid to ask why you are here then," said Billy.

Her blush deepened and she kept her eyes lowered, she pulled her knees together and let her hands fall to her sides. "...Uh, I'm a...virgin, I've never had sex before. I watched the changes in Julie and my twin sister and, well, I'm not a dummy, I figured a man was involved, I think it was you."

"You've never had sex?" Asked Billy, with doubt in his voice.

"Well, I've fooled around a lot, gone out with a lot of guys, but, no, I never went all the way before, not even once..."

"Why not?"

"Well...I guess I never met anyone I wanted to, ah, go all the way with..."

'So there you go again bitch, lying all over again, you cunt! I thought you were going to be straight for a change. No such luck!' The voice in Holly's head hissed at her.

"But you do now? That's why you're here? You want to have sex with me? Go all the way? Why? Why now? Why me?" Billy was furious.

"What do you want me to say?" Holly's eyes were flashing, "Don't you want to have sex with me? Every guy I ever met wanted to! You don't like me? You don't think I'm sexy? You don't think I'm pretty? What? You don't want me? I don't understand!"

'Yeah, fat chance he's going to buy that cop-out!" said the voice.

"Why are you here, Holly?" Billy's voice was quiet again.

A long period of silence followed, Billy just let her sit; she didn't move.

"I don't know..." she finally whispered.

 'You know exactly why you're here, Holly baby, you want to kill your sister and add one more weak assed male to your list!'

 

 "You don't know what?" Asked Billy.

"Why I am really here." She looked up into the mirror.

"Not to lose your virginity?"

"Yes, that. I have to do that."

"What else?" Asked Billy.

"I n...need to talk," she stammered and then spoke rapidly, "Can I really talk to you? You won't criticize me or stop me or judge me or think badly of me? I can just talk and you will help me if you can? That's what Molly said. That's all she really said. Can I talk to you?"

'Oh, man, if he buys that line, maybe I will join you in your low opinion of the male species. Good luck dearie; I think this dude is gonna take you to the mat!'

 

 "Yes, Holly, if you really need to talk, just go ahead. I will help if I can, I won't be unkind or cruel. Please, talk to me."

She spoke softly, "I have a reputation around the school."

'No shit you have a reputation. They think you've slept with every guy in town. Not just this town, but every village for twenty miles in any direction!'

 

 "Okay," said Billy.

"Not a very good one. They say I sleep around. I don't."

Billy remained silent.

"I didn't date much or even go out until my freshman year in high school, I just didn't care about boys that much. I was too busy with school and trying out for cheer leader and all the other school activities."

'That's as close to the truth as you've ever been except that you masturbate every night and won't face it!'

 'Shut up bitch! I hear you! Knock off all the shit! I don't need to hear it!'

'You don't want to hear the truth! So what else is new? You never do!'

Holly continued, "I, we, my girl friend and I, Becky, started going out a lot together, you know, double dating so we could, well, kinda look out for each other and we did. We kept out of trouble, a lotta times we could have done bad but one of the other of us would say that we had to go home; stop the kissin' and the foolin' around and the touching and stuff. We looked out for each other..."

'Not bad, slut, now how you gonna deal with the next part? Huh? I wanna hear this!'  Said the voice in Holly's head.

Holly sat in the chair facing the mirror, her face a changing geography of expressions as she sought to control her words, her emotions and the nagging voices in her head. "Where was I? What did I say?"

"You were telling me about your friend Becky and going out with guys," said Billy.

"Oh...yeah," she said softly in a strange voice, "Do I have to tell you about this?"

"About what?" He asked

'Go ahead Bitch Goddess, tell him how you showed your friendship! Go ahead! I dare you!'

 'Shut up...shut up...shut up!'

Holly looked furtively about the room, "Can't I just come in there? We can talk more about it later."

Billy was firm, "No, I think you need to tell me now."

Holly sat unmoving, thankful for the momentary absence of the voices within her soul.

She blinked her eyes and looked away from the mirror. "Both Becky and me were cheerleaders for the football team and we had, well, kinda boyfriends on the team. When we had good games, y'know, when we won, we would all go to the dance after the game and maybe out to eat afterwards and then we would fool around a little bit and then they would take us home.

"But this was a big game, homecoming, lots of excitement, celebration, everybody was there, a big dance, a party after that and there was beer and pot and everyone was having a really good time. I was with Kevin and Becky was with Jimmy, he was a running back and we decided to leave the party and go watch the full moon. It was really a beautiful night, chilly, but not too cold, it was nice to have a blanket. We stopped to get some burgers and Tacos and chicken bits and fries and cokes and drove to a kind of park that had places you could have campfires.

"We got a little fire going and were eating and roasting marshmallows and really having a good time when Jimmy took Becky's hand and headed off away from the fire. He said they were going to make their own campfire and leave us to ourselves. That seemed to be okay with everyone and I just kinda nestled back in Kevin's arms and nibbled on French fries and drank my coke. He took a little silver flask out of his jacket and took a drink and offered it to me. It was like liquid peppermint and it burned my throat but it made me feel all warm inside. After a few minutes I saw the reflection of a campfire in the trees and figured that was where Becky and Jimmy had settled down.

"After we finished eating, Jimmy and I snuggled together under the blanket and he kissed me and I said he tasted like a hamburger so I got some chewing gum out of my waistband and we both had some and then we snuggled up again. I liked when he was kissing me and when he put his hand under my sweater I just let him touch me however he wanted to. He was getting really hot and breathing hard and he put his hand down my belly underneath my little cheerleaders skirt and put his finger inside me.

"No one ever did that before so I was a little jumpy but he took his finger out of me and kissed me again and then started touching me down there again and, well, I was just letting him do it. Just as it was starting to feel really good, I had to pee. I mean I really had to go, right now or I was going to wet my pants. So I pushed him off of me and scrambled up and told him I just really had to go pee right now and that I would be back and for him not to go away. He laughed and said he wasn't goin' anywhere and told me to hurry back.

"Well, I did hurry away from our little campfire and up the hill in the direction that Becky and Jimmy had gone until I saw the flickering shadows of a fire in the trees. I followed a little path round the side of a hill away from them and I found a place and took my panties down and heard voices just around the rise where I was squatting.

"I heard Becky's voice and she was saying, 'No! Stop it!' so I pulled my panties up and moved quietly around the rise to where I could see what was going on. I was just a few steps away and I could see both their feet and the bottom of the blanket they were on through the leaves and around the trunk of a tree."

Billy listened to Holly's voice as she recounted the events. He watched her face, her hands and her body posture. She was animated in her description, her face displaying uncertain emotions, her body almost participating sexually.

"I never told this to anybody before, please don't get mad at me." She closed her eyes a moment before continuing, "I kind of smiled when I saw what was going on because the same thing was happening to me just a minute ago. He was kissing her boobs but he had pushed her sweater and her bra up under her arms, Kevin just pulled my bra down a little. And he had his hand down her skirt just like Kevin had with me and she was squirming and trying to get away from him but he kept kissing her boobs and moving his hand between her legs.

"I heard her say, 'Jimmy! You promised if I let you touch me there you would stop and take me home. I have to go home now! I'm already late! Please stop! Let me up. Let me go home now, please!' But he didn't stop, he kept touching her and rubbing his body against her and she kept asking him to stop. She said, 'Jimmy, I'm not that kind of girl. Please stop! Please!' But he just kept on. He took his hand out of her skirt and moved down and put his face between her legs and pushed up against her with his face and his hands were on her breasts. She put her hands on his head trying to push him away but he kept pushing against her with his face. Then he moved his hands down from her boobs, down to her hips and underneath her skirt and I saw him put his fingers in the top of her panties and the panty hose we wore for cheerleading. She really started fighting then as he was pulling her panties down. I could see her thighs as he pulled them off her hips. I started feeling nervous then, like I was watching something I shouldn't be, but I didn't know what I should do."

'Lying Bitch! Like hell you didn't know what to do! You knew exactly what to do. You knew if you screamed and ran down there he would stop and Becky could get away! You knew that! You know that now! You just don't have the guts to admit it! Cunt! Whore! Bitch! Coward!'

 

 Holly blinked and held her hands together; "I froze. I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do or if I should do anything."

'Liar, liar, liar, pants on fire. You know what you should have done!'

 

 Holly was bent over, breathing fast and squeezing her hands together, "She kept fighting him, kicking at him, swinging her arms, trying to stop him but he kept pulling her panties down, across her thighs and below her knees. She pulled herself up and tried to hit him with her hands but he stopped her and pushed her down again. He had her panties down to her ankles and she kicked him and tried to get up, he fell back but he got right up and pulled her down again and got her panties off. He put his hands to his waist to unbuckle his pants and she tried to jump up and get away but he fell on her and dragged her down and held her with one hand and loosened his pants with the other hand. I watched him pull his pants down, one side at a time, I saw his butt in the firelight and his pants were down to his knees and he was holding her down with his forearm across her chest and I saw...I saw...he took his thing in his hand as she was screaming and fighting him and he pushed he legs apart and she swung her fists at him and he took both her arms in his hands and kept pushing at her between her legs and pushing and pushing and then she screamed...he kind of scooted up on his knees and I could see he was inside her, she screamed again as he laid down on top of her, he put his hand over her mouth and kept pushing on her and pushing on her. I closed my eyes for a minute then I ran. I ran away. I ran until I found a road and then I walked all the way home."

The room was quiet except for her rapid breathing; Billy didn't speak right away.

"You didn't call the Police? Did you try to get someone to help her?"

Holly kept her head down her eyes closed. "I snuck into my house, went up to my room and got into bed with my clothes on. I didn't want anyone to know I was there. It wasn't really my fault! I didn't do anything wrong!"

'That's right Bitch,' said the voice, 'Your best friend being raped before your eyes and you did nothing! Some friend you were!'

 'Shut up, shut up, shut up!'

 'Shut up? No way, Bitch. I'm just getting started. He's gonna find out! All of it! Everything!'

 

 Holly looked up into the mirror, she leaned forward and held her hands out palms up, "Please, please tell me I didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't my fault. Why do I feel so terrible? Please help me. Help me understand. Please!"

Billy's voice was uneven, "Holly, I'm not sure what to say to you, you might have been able to help her, you might have stopped him, but, ah...well...that's not for certain. If you had screamed, your boyfriend might have ran right over and then what? I'm sorry, I want to help you resolve this, but I don't have an absolute answer. It could be that both of you would have been raped. It could be that both of you could have run away and nothing more would have happened. You were both wrong for being out there alone, away from other people..."

"But everything was so neat," she cried, "They were both nice guys, we had been out with them before, I just didn't think that anything like that could happen. We were all so happy and havin' fun and it was a beautiful night...I'm so sorry for Becky..."

There was silence, Billy watched as Holly blinked her eyes and tried to pull herself together, he closed his eyes, trying to imagine what she was thinking.

'You Slut! You're still going for the whole thing, aren't you? I'm telling you, bitch, he'll take you down. I hope he does! Oh, God, I hope he brings you down hard!'

 Holly ignored the voice and lifted her face again to the mirror in the tiny room. She opened her eyes wide, smiled a small smile and waited.

"You went out with a lot of guys after that?" Asked Billy.

"Oh, no. Not for a long time. I didn't go out with any one. I wasn't even alone with a guy for nearly the whole year, until the next summer, maybe even until after school started again."

"Did you try to find out what happened to Becky and the two guys?"

"Becky never came back to school," she answered quietly, "I never saw her again or heard anything about her. The guys were gone too; they just seemed to disappear."

"You didn't try to find out? Your best friend, your boyfriend?"

'Yeah, Bitch. He's asking what kind of a person you really are. I can tell him, not much of one at all!'

 'Goddamn you, be quiet!'

"No, I didn't try to find out. Some people said they saw us all leave the party together. I told them we just went home. I didn't want to know what happened. I don't think I could have faced what might have happened, to any of them." Holly's voice was strained again, she was uncomfortable in the chair, squirming and crossing and uncrossing her legs.

"When did you start going out again?"

She looked up with no expression on her face, "It was almost a year, football season was on again but I didn't want to be a cheerleader anymore. Without Becky it wasn't like it used to be. But I didn't have any friends. I didn't go to parties, I was bored with school and I don't do a lot of other things like Molly does. She has all kinds of clubs and meetings, things that keep her busy all the time. Me, I like being around people, doing things, going places. So I started going out again, but I was very careful who I went out with. Mostly puppydogs, if you know what I mean. Safe guys, guys who would feel blessed if I let them kiss my cheek.

"Then it got to be kind of a game. I let them bring me flowers and take me out to dinner and I might let them kiss me, just a little. Then, if they had a really nice car and bought me a really nice dinner, I might let him touch my boobs, just a little. Then they started bringing me gifts: jewelry, stuffed animals, boxes of candy, all kinds of junk. The better the present, the more they got to touch. But I was always in control. It was always in a car and always parked close by where other people were and I had a knife, a switchblade, I only had to get it out a couple times, but boy, they bailed out quick like!"

"But why were you doing all this, Holly, I don't understand?"

"Why?" She leaned forward, "Why? It was fun! I got to go everywhere, movies, concerts, even all the way to the City and it cost me nothing! Maybe a little feel here and there, maybe a little stinkfinger. So what? Those jerks were hoping for heaven and the most they got was a smell, if that."

"You didn't like any of them? No one got close to you?"

"Close to me?" Not a chance!" she hissed. "Close to getting in my pants? Yeah, a couple, I almost lost it a couple times, I got carried away, I wanted it too. But I always found ways to keep from going the distance."

"Ways? What kind of ways?"

"You're making me embarrassed now," She stood up in the small room and presented herself, offered her self to him. "Please let me tell you that in there, with you, please?"

Billy didn't answer her.

"Please..." she asked quietly, her right arm across her abdomen, her left arm hanging loose at her side; her eyes wide and asking, pleading.

'What a goddamned actress you are, Bitch; I wish I could tell him what's going on in your mind right now. You think you can go in there and then come out with your virginity intact, him spurting all over your belly and you being forgiven for what you did to Becky. I'm taking bets! You lose! I hope he lets you go in there. Boy, I wanna see this!'

Holly blinked her eyes but made no expression as the conflict raged in her mind. She heard his voice over the speakers; "Would you like to take your clothes off out there or in here?"

"Oh!" She gasped, "I've never been totally naked with a man before. Is it light or dark in there?"

"Absolutely black, you can't see a thing," he answered.

"Oh..." she whispered, "Do you want to see me, ah, without my clothes on? Did you, well, ah, I mean, did you see Molly without her clothes? In this room?"

The speakers remained silent.

She flashed her eyes at the mirror, "I've got a much better body than hers; she's just a little girl." Holly disrobed quickly, throwing her clothing in disarray on the floor.

She stood proudly before the mirror, her long blonde hair in stark contrast to the dark pubic curls. Billy observed the similarities and differences between the twin sisters. Holly seemed to have matured earlier. Her hip were wider and fuller and her breasts slightly larger, but the similarities between the two were remarkable. From the neck down, Holly was looked more woman than Molly, from the neck up there was no comparison. The faces were formed alike but the features had been molded by personality and character. Billy observed with sadness the hard features of her face, the tiny lines at the corners of her eyes and mouth.




Billy Ch. 07



"That's very nice," said Billy.

"Nice?" She swung her face to the mirror and then softened her features. "Thank you, may I come in now?"

"Are you sure you want to? You won't be a virgin when you leave."

'I told you, Bitch! You'll come out of there a different person. I don't think you can handle it. I hope you can't. I hope you come apart at the seams and fall like sawdust at his feet. That's all you are, a sawdust filled doll! Go on! Go in! I dare you!'

"You mean even if I change my mind and I don't want to go through with it...you mean...you...?" Her eyes were wide, her nostril flared.

"This is where you make your final choice," His voice was cold.

Yet another voice entered her head, 'Aw, you can take him, honey, he's just another stiff dick, you can handle him. He'll be crawling at your feet when you're done with him!'

 "Open the door," she said firmly.

The lights in the small room went dark and the sound of a door opening punctuated the silence. She felt a soft breeze across her face as the air pressure in the two rooms equalized.

"Step up and reach your hands out," she heard him say.

Their hands touched. She felt his fingers close around her hand; she let her hand go limp. "Oh my God, it really is dark in here. I can't see a thing."

He led her to a wall, turned her back to it and sat down with his back against the wall; he pulled her down with him.

She was breathing in gasps, her heart pounding, her eyes blinking rapidly in the darkness.

"Are you all right?" He asked gently.

She remained silent.

"You can leave now if you want."

The silence continued. They sat side by side, barely touching for several minutes. He didn't move. She didn't move. Her breathing slowed. She took her hand from his and placed it in her lap. She could feel his bare arm on hers.

"Ah, do you have any clothes on?" She asked cautiously.

"Not a stitch."

"Oh," she whispered, "I'm naked, I don't have anything on, nothing."

"I know. I saw."

"Am I pretty? Do I have a nice body?" Her voice was a little more under control.

"You are very pretty. You have a lovely body."

After several minutes of silence, he moved and placed his left arm around her shoulders and touched the heavy muscles at the top of her arm with his fingers. He moved slightly closer until they were touching at the arm, hip and leg.

"What about the couple guys the, 'almost' got into your pants. What happened? How did that work?" He asked lightly.

She relaxed a little and giggled, "I was wearing a skirt which I didn't do very often, just to make it harder for them. But I liked the guy, so I thought I would give him an easy shot. But he was clever, really smart. He kept teasing me, making me want him. He would reach under my skirt and pull my panties down just a couple inches, and then he would stop and start kissing me again. I liked the game, I liked the challenge, so I let him play it. He finally got them all the way down and off and came back up and put his head between my legs and was tonguing me there and I liked it, so I let him. Then he came up and tried to kiss me and I didn't like that because he smelled like me down there. So he laughed and was kissing my breasts and I was liking that when all of a sudden he pushed my legs apart and he was trying to get inside me. I reached down and grabbed hold of him and squeezed and rubbed and pulled up and down and kept him out of me until he squirted all over my thighs. He just sighed and laid his head on my stomach. I thought for a minute he was going to get me but he didn't, nobody did."

Billy was perplexed, "If you wanted him and he wanted it too, why didn't you let him?"

"I don't know, I don't know. Maybe I wanted him to, maybe I didn't, I don't know."

"But you want me to?" Asked Billy.

Silence

'Tell him, Cunt!. You want him to try. You want him to fail. You want him to lay there all limp and useless while you laugh at him. Tell him, you bitch! Tell him it's still a game with you!'

 

 Billy broke the silence, "When you went out with guys, usually in cars, you said. What happened? How did you start with a new guy you had never met before?"

Holly smiled in the darkness, stretched out, moved slightly closer to him and brought her knees together. "Well, it kinda depended on the guy and it kinda depended on me. If I wanted to be touched right away, no matter who it was, I let him know it. If I was just out on a date, I would wait for him to do something. Usually they would do what you just did, put their arm around my shoulders."

"And then...?"

"Well, it depends, like you are just kinda touching my shoulders with your fingers, just touchin' a little to see what I'm gonna do. Some guys start running their hands up and down my arm, sneaking a little feel on the side of my boobs, or running a hand all the way down to my waist and back up again. I get a kick out of each guy, trying to figure out what he's goin' to try."

"Do they try to kiss you right away?"

"Oh, man, every guy is different. Some guys nibble my ears, some kiss all over my face; some guys go for the neck, under the ears to try to get me hot. Some guys go right for the mouth."

"What do you like?" He asked as he moved his hand down her upper arm to her forearm and took her hand in his.

"What do I like?" She chuckled, "I like all of it. I am always excited about who's gonna try what and if I've been there before, I usually have."

Billy moved his hand out of hers across her abdomen, up across her breasts and to the other side of her face before she could finish taking a breath. At the same time he buried his face in her neck as his other arm pulled her toward him.

'Ahah, look out Bitch, here he comes, you never saw moves like that before, did ya slut, I almost feel sorry for you, hah!'

 "Oh!" A gasp escaped Holly's lips as his hand and his lips set fire to her skin. She scrambled to regain control. "I usually have clothes on when this starts. Aren't you going a little fast? Oh!" As he took a breast in his hand and kissed her deep and long.

'Oh, man is he going to do you! Wow, even I'm getting excited! You don't have a chance. He's gonna take you down before you even know it! I love it! You finally get taken down! Oh, Yes, yes, yes!'

 She answered his kiss almost without will, while wondering if she should or should not. Before she could answer that question, his mouth was on her breast, her hand was on his head and he had a hand between her legs.

 

 She pulled his head down on her chest and thrust her hips against his hand then stopped, dropped her hands and stopped moving her body. Her breathing slowed.

He was quiet for a moment, "...and?"

"You're going too fast. You're scaring me, I don't know what to do."

"You don't have to do anything," he said quietly as he took a nipple into his mouth, slipped a finger inside her and then moved his head down, kissing her stomach, her abdomen and then put his face between her legs.

'Oh, that's just fine...' she thought, 'keep your head down there where you can't do me any harm; just stay down there that's okay. Oh! Damn!' As she rose involuntarily as he pushed his face against her. 'Why did I do that?'

'Because you want it, Bitch, you want him to have it, so give it up, become a woman finally. Do it!'

As he found that soft but firm little mound of flesh and worried it with his lips and tongue, he ran his hands up and down the inside of her thighs and up over her belly to her breasts, her arms, her shoulders.

She shuddered and moved her arms uncontrollably and then finally stopped all movement of her body and let him do as he would. 

 

He stopped.

They lay silent for a moment.

"I thought you wanted it?"

She said quietly, "I do."

'Lying Bitch!'

 

 He moved up over her outspread legs. She closed her legs and moved her face to his chest, kissing his nipples, caressing his body, moving her face down to his stomach, twisting around, pressuring him backwards until she was between his legs. Her hand found him and she took him into her mouth, her lips and tongue working to give him pleasure and satisfaction. He thrust once against her face and then withdrew, put his hands on her face and pulled away, turned her on her back and moved over her.

'Here he comes again. He knows your tricks. You ain't getting' away this time! Yer dead meat, baby! So long; Cherry time. I love it!'

 Holly became frantic as he moved his head to her abdomen, her stomach and then her breasts, kissing her and touching her as he moved up her body.

'You love it! You know you love it! Show him you want him! Put your arms around him; welcome him into your soul. Be honest! Let it happen!'

 'No, no, no, don't let him have you. Don't let him stick that ugly thing inside you. It's terrible, it's nasty, it will hurt and you will never be the same ever again. Stop him! Do what ever you have to, but stop him. Stop him!'

 

 Billy felt her indecision. He hesitated then resolved himself.

As she felt him coming further up her body she put her hands on his head trying to stop him. 

He pushed against her arms.

She broke into tears, crying out to him, "Please stop! I can't do this! I don't want you to do this! Please stop! I want to go home now! Let me go! Please, Please!"

It had always worked before as one of the last resorts for her. She cried. They melted. It didn't work this time.

'I told you, Bitch! He knows all your tricks! He ain't buying it. You lose! He's gonna split you wide open!'

 

 He crawled up further between her legs, his hips at her knees. She screamed at him, "You Bastard! You Son-of-a-Bitch! Get off me! Leave me alone! Get off!" She swung a fist at him; he caught her arm and forced it down. She put her other hand in his hair and pulled causing him to grunt; he put his hand in her hair and pulled, hard, she took her hand from his hair. He moved closer between her legs. She put her hands between her legs, found him with one hand and pushed against his hipbone with the other hand.

"Please! Please. Don't do this to me! Please!"

He pushed even closer to her. She moved her hand back and forth on his penis as he kept moving forward; she moved the hand on his hip to cover her opening and kept moving and squirming and fighting to keep him away.

He reached down and took her hand away. When he released her hand she took hold of him again to prevent him from entering her but her hand found him closer his body. He pressed even closer, she felt him push against the back of her hand covering her. She tried to hit him with her fists again; he caught her arm and forced it down. She felt him press harder against the back of her hand and then he reached down and effortlessly moved her hand away and come into her slightly, her other hand still grasping him.

"You're hurting me! Please stop! It hurts!" She screamed.

It didn't hurt. But she had no defenses left.

'Here it comes, Bitch! Long overdue, but in just the right way. He beat you every way there was and you deserve everything you are about to receive. I hope you like it!'

 

 He pushed again and penetrated.

"Oh! Oh! You really are hurting me! Please stop it! No more please! I'm begging you. Please stop!"

He pushed against her again. She screamed. He came into her fully and then laid down on her his whole body pressing her down.

He buried his face in her neck as she flailed her arms, screaming and crying but her legs remained still, not certain of where they should move. She gasped and cried and moaned and cursed, and then fell silent.

"Get off me!" She hissed.

He didn't say anything.

"Get off of me, I said!" 

He thrust up against her, hard, one time.

"Oh! Why don't you get off of me? You did what I asked. I'm not a virgin anymore. Let me up. I want to go now."

He pushed against her again and again.

"Oh, oh my."

He moved against her again and withdrew and entered again and pushed fully into her and kept moving against at a heart beat rate, again and again and again.

She began to rise to him as he thrust against her, "Oh, please stop doing that," she gasped.

He did not stop.

She rose to him as he slowly and rhythmically came against her. Her knees came up alongside his hips; her arms tentatively touched his shoulders.

"Please, I don't want you to do this to me," she gasped as her body responded to his.

'Come on Bitch! Let it happen! You've already lost the fight; he won. Try to take something out of it. Let him love you, just back off, let it happen.'

 

 As he moved against her she began to feel a direction, a purpose in the movement. She pushed up against him and grasped him with her arms as they moved together. Then she stopped, let her legs and her arms fall lifeless on the padded floor.

He stopped moving and lay upon her silently.

After a few moments he began moving against her again, gently, fully penetrated, rocking her slowly back and forth. He felt her respond again with her arms and her legs and meeting him with her hips. Then she stopped again and he stopped.

'You Goddamned dumb Bitch! What are you doing? He's trying to help you! He's waiting for you to catch up. He wants you to come alive and be whole! Help him! Let him love you, love him!'

  Billy said nothing but moved on her again after a few moments. She responded against her will and then went limp as her passion mounted.

He withdrew from her completely.

'Oh God, no! Please don't stop now!' Screamed a part of her.

 

'So he finally gave up on you. You really are nothing.' Said another part of her.

"I'm glad you got off of me," said Holly, "Let me get up now."

He took her arms in his hands, moved over her again and came inside her, but only slightly. He withdrew again and came into her once more and then time and time again until she cried out, "Goddamn you, Goddamn you to hell!"

He thrust harshly and fully and deeply inside her, she clasped him with her arms and legs and put her face in his neck, kissing and mouthing his skin as if she could consume it. She rose against him again and again as her passion rose until the voice inside her warned: 'Now's the time, dearie, shut him down, freeze him out, show him he can't touch you where you can't be touched. Do it this time and you win. This is the last test. Win this, you win it all!'

 The voice inside her won out and she was beginning to withdraw from the reality of the moment when she felt his hand move around her hip, underneath her body and a finger press against and push inside her. She screamed and tried to move away but as she did she moved up toward him and he met her and came down again on the finger within her even more deeply and she rose to him again and again and felt her body come together with his and she kissed him and held him and arched upward to him and took him and was happy and was fulfilled and was satisfied and content and fell back, her body totally limp.

They lay that way for a minute, then two and another.

The voices in her head raged in conflict; 'I told you, Bitch, I warned you, told you he was gonna get you and he did, oh man, did he get you. He got it all, thou ain't got nuthin' left.'

 Another voice chimed in her head, 'He didn't get any anything, nothing important, he forced you, he never got close to you, not really.'

'Yes, he did,' said Holly silently to herself.

"Get off me," she breathed, unemotionally.

Billy stiffened, still erect inside her. He withdrew but stayed between her legs, his hands holding her arms down.

"Get off you? That's what you just said?" He asked.

"Yes, that's what I said, get off."

Billy hesitated for a moment and then raised his hand and slapped her, not gently, across the face and forced himself back into her as she fought him.

He grabbed hair on each side of her face and jerked her head up to face him, "Is that what Becky said when Jimmy was finished with her? Get off me! Is that what she said? You lied to me! You didn't run away as he was raping her, you stayed there!" He shook her head and thrust harshly against her.

"Oh, no, please don't hurt me. Please not again, no more!" Holly cried and sobbed and arched her body.

"You didn't run away, did you? You stayed and watched and then your boyfriend came looking for you and he stood there watching too, until Jimmy was finished with her. What happened then? Did he take her too? Did she cry out and scream for help. Did you stand there and watch as all this was happening?

"What did they do to her? Boys at that age are virile, they can have erection after erection and erection; they could have had sex with her all night long, trading off, one after the other, maybe both at the same time. Is that the way it happened?"

Holly remained silent and unmoving even as he thrust harshly into her again and again, lifting her hips off the padded floor; he slapped her face again. "Did they hold her down or did she just quit fighting them? Or did they just keep at her until her body began responding? Did she put her arms around one of them and have her legs around one of them; did she let them kiss her? Did she move with them, having sex with them because she had no other choice? You saw it all! What happened on the night? Holly! Goddamn you! You have to say what happened. Did they get bored with having that kind of sex? Did they turn her over and do it from the back? Did they hit her and hold her down and make her do things she didn't want to do?"

Billy turned her over and entered from behind, "Did they do this to her?" He plunged into her for several hard, deep thrusts, "...and did they do this to her?" He moved and guided himself into the other opening. She screamed and screamed as he began to penetrate her more deeply.

"Oh, Becky, Becky, Becky! I'm so sorry! I should have tried to stop him!" Holly screamed and cried as she collapsed on the floor. "Oh, God! They hit her and slapped her and held her down and did terrible things to her but I just couldn't move. I couldn't do anything. But when they turned her over and she screamed and I saw blood coming down her legs, I freaked out, I threw up, I covered my mouth and tried to be quiet but I took off running and throwing up and crying and praying and hoping they wouldn't hear me and I just kept on running and running and running.

"I know I should have tried to help her. I know I should have done something even if it didn't work out. I should have done something. I didn't do anything. Nothing. I've had to live with that for all this time and I can't bear it anymore. I hate myself, I hate guys, I hate you for what you did to me." She began sobbing and shaking.

He moved to the side and took her in his arms cradling her back to him, his knees behind hers. He put an arm under her and an arm over her and pushed a leg under her and draped his other leg over her, holding her as close as she could be held. She was shivering and sobbing and convulsing in his arms as he held her tight.

"Please, Holly, please, just let it all go, cry, let the tears come, let it all out, just let loose of everything. Let me hold you and no one will hurt you and we'll just be here, together for a while until you feel better. Please let me hold you, don't fight, just relax..." He held her and caressed her until she began to quiet.

It took a long time for her crying to finally subside, it was very quiet, he thought perhaps she slept for a few moment when she began to stir in his arms.

"I...am...so terribly ashamed," she said very softly.




Billy Ch. 07



He soothed her with his hands, "Not everyone can be a hero..."

"I should have tried."

"...Yes," he said cautiously, "I think you should have, perhaps, maybe..."

"She was my best friend, I liked her; she liked me. I didn't want that to happen to her. I had...I have dreams about it, about her, I so wish it hadn't happened."

"It wasn't your fault, Holly, you didn't cause it."

"I know but I might have stopped it. If I had started screaming when he was trying to get her panties down, we could have ran away and none of it would have happened."

"Maybe..." said Billy, quietly, "You might have gotten away. But also, maybe, your screams would have brought Kevin running, he was probably looking for you anyway. He might have caught you and then, maybe, forced you and then both of you would have been raped. I don't know, Holly, I can't say with any certainty. I can't offer you forgiveness, just understanding. You have to resolve it and work it out in your mind."

"Becky?" She asked, "How is she? I never heard a word from anyone, just rumors. Both guys disappeared from school. Becky never came back. I never found out what happened; I never said anything or asked anyone about it."

"Why didn't you try to find out?"

Holly remained silent for a moment, "I didn't want to know. I tried to forget everything. I couldn't face myself, I couldn't have faced Becky if she came back to school; I thought I might kill Kevin and Jimmy if I ever saw them again."

"Holly..." Billy hesitated, choosing his words, "I need to tell you some things that may give you a way to discover who I am. I don't know if you can be trusted to keep a confidence.

"The things I need to tell you are important for you to know. Things that could help you resolve your own feelings about what happened and since it was so long ago, what it has done to your life. 

"Who are you, Holly? What are you deep inside your heart and your mind? Do you know, can you tell me about you?"

"Oh, God," she gasped, "Why do you make me do these things? I don't want to think! I don't want to feel, anything! I wanna stay dumb and beautiful. You made me feel, you forced me to want you, you make me want to open up and love again. I've been closed off from every emotion I ever knew since this happened. I hate myself! I hate the games I've been playing with all the guys. I hate the dirty looks from all the girls I know. I hate the leers from all the guys. I hate it and yet I love it because it helps me keep on..."

Billy interrupted, "...Keep on...what? Holly, keep on doing what? Getting even with every guy you can blow away because of what happened to Becky, what you saw? What is the point? Where does it end?" He asked gently.

"Where does it end? Where..." she gasped, "Oh, God, it never ends, does it? I keep hating forever, I never get to live again? Oh, Jesus, what have I done?"

He took her in his arms again as she bent over sobbing and hugging herself, "Holly, you'll be all right, there is good within you. I know that from what you have said, the pain the suffering, the guilt, your refusal to just forget what happened. I know also because I know your sister, the way her mind works. You have a similar mind, but you took a hard fall and got up running in the wrong direction; you ran hard, you pushed it to the limit. If you had been running in a different direction, your life might be entirely different."

He paused for a moment, "Becky is all right, now. She wasn't for quite a while. She was in isolation at the hospital they took her to. The police found her running naked down a road near where you were..."

"Oh, God, poor sweet Becky. She never hurt anyone. Oh, God, Oh damn, Oh, hell. Why did it have to happen to her?" She was in tears again.

"You need to know these things, Holly," he said quietly, "They heard you running away, they came after you..."

"Oh!" she gasped, "How do you..."

"Becky told me. Both boys told me that hey heard something and figured it was you. Becky ran while they were searching for you..."

"You talked to Kevin and Jimmy? How? When?"

"They are in prison, Holly. When Becky was in the Psychiatric ward at the hospital I talked to her. She told me who was there and some of what happened. I had them arrested."

"I never heard any of this..." she moaned, "How do you know? How did you find out...oh, tonight! You knew all the time I was there...oh, you did! You must hate me. Oh, I'm so sorry. I should have done something. Even afterwards I should have called the Police and told them what happened. I am so ashamed."

"Becky didn't want you involved, Holly. She was glad that you got away and were safe. She asks about you every time I see her. Ah...I'm afraid I haven't had much good news for her. She worries about you, what you have been doing."

Holly burst into tears again, "She worries about me? Oh, God, I am such a miserable human being. I deserted my best friend when she needed me most, I crapped on my parents for years, sneaking out and staying out all night. I ignored my sister who I used to love so much. Oh, poor Molly, she's so pretty and so smart and I love her so much and all I did was put her down. I made her wear all those awful clothes, I told her all the nasty things about the guys I went out with; I never listened to her, I never helped her, I...just, I dirtied every thing I touched. I feel so horrible. Ohhh..."

She cried and cried in his arms.

She finally quieted and pulled away from him. "You know where Becky is?"

"Yes."

"I...have...to...see...her." She forced the words out.

"Yes, Holly, I think you should; for her and for you. It won't be easy."

She was quiet for a long time.

Billy spoke very quietly, "Holly, she had a baby, a little boy."

"Oh, no!" she cried again, "Does it never end" Will the pain ever stop? Oh, please, put your arms around me, hold me; tell me it will stop hurting, oh, please..."

He cradled her as she rocked back and forth moaning and sobbing.

"Holly," he said as she quieted, "I have known about you for a long time. When Molly said you wanted to see me, I had an idea of what you wanted, well, part of it anyway. I never guessed you were, ah, a virgin, I guess I believed the gossip that went around the school, I'm sorry for that.

"I told you earlier that the things I had to tell you, for your sake, would give you the means to find out who I am. I hope you don't try, but if you do, I hope you won't betray me. I have only tried to help. You had to say what happened. You had to face yourself, to realize what you have been doing and why.

"Becky's life is her own concern. She chose to keep the child; I helped her choose. She knows who the father is, DNA and all that stuff. She has to go forward, she is going forward. She is doing the best she can..."

"You've been helping her all these years?" asked Holly, "Why? Who are you? Why did get involved? I don't understand."

Billy hesitated, "Holly, she was one of my students, in the school where I work. I care for all the kids there, all of them. The two boys were on my team; I was a coach. I care about them too."

"Oh? Do I know you? Have I ever seen you?"

"Yes, many times, Holly, but I don't think you ever noticed me."

She breathed deeply, thinking for a moment or so, "I have really become shallow and unfocused, haven't I? I still don't know who you might be or what you look like."

"You are not shallow, Holly. And you are not unfocused either, but you have been concentrating on other things. It is time to stop that part of your life and move on. You are a very complicated and complex person and very smart and very, very clever; but those can be good things or bad things. You need to think for a while, go over things, sort through the last few years, fix what you can, live with the rest and then go on. We all have to do that, all of us."

She spoke very quietly, "Billy, there were voices in my head, I don't hear them anymore..."

"Voices?" he asked.

"They talked to me, argued with me."

"Holly, I don't know a lot about things like that, but it was you fighting yourself, maybe two or three or more self's, your subconscious trying to resolve conflicts, the contradictions in your mind. I think it is good you don't hear them now, but, ah, well, you may miss them for a while."

"I already do," she whispered, "They made me think and question and justify everything I thought or did."

"I know, you'll be okay."

"Sir, ah, Billy, would you hold me again, please?"

"I am holding you."

Her voice was very quiet, Billy strained to hear her words, "Since that night in the park, when Kevin was loving me and touching me, I have never really wanted anyone to touch me again. That wasn't me with all those guys. But now, I want you to touch me. I'm afraid to ask. I'm not sure I want to know what I might feel.

"But I want to live again, be the old me. I want to know that I can feel again and maybe love someone without trying to ah, well, just tease or trick them...I don't know..." she sighed.

"I think it is too soon for you, Holly. I think you should..."

She interrupted him by turning and taking him in her arms.

"Your sister doesn't listen very well either," he chuckled.

She made a little sound as she ran her hands over his upper body, trying to visualize him. She traced his face with her fingers and then his head, his shoulders and his chest. "You're a big guy, but not real tall," she said, "I still can't place you."

She lay back down again, to his left, on the floor, her hands at her sides, her legs together. "I am so confused." She whispered into the darkness.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I don't quite know what to do at this moment either. I don't know if I should...whether it would be right for you...I don't know."

They lay quietly side-by-side for several minutes.

She heard him take a deep breath and let it out slowly, "I have often watched the cheerleaders practicing in their uniforms. The light blue sweaters, the dark blue thigh length skirts, the light underpants and the white shoes and socks. Very, ah, attractive outfits."

"Very sexy, you mean," she giggled, "Can you close your eyes and see me that way?"

"Yes, in the firelight." He leaned over and kissed her mouth. "Do I taste like a hamburger?"

"No, you smell like toothpaste or mouthwash and I can smell your aftershave lotion and, oh..." She sighed as he pretended to push her sweater up and put his hand down into her bra.

"That's just the way it was," she said, "But I was really hot and I wanted him to touch me."

"You don't want me to touch you?" Billy asked as he slipped his hand down across her belly and between her legs.

"Oh, gosh, yes, but it's all different now. I mean, then, I didn't know what was going to happen next, now I do. I don't know what to do, how to react to you...ohhh..." she panted as his finger touched the sensitive place above her opening. "Ohh," she gasped again as he slipped a finger inside her, "I don't know if I am supposed to be teasing you or wanting you, I don't know what to do."

He slid down between her legs, touching her and kissing her and as she opened to take him, he rolled her over and held her above him.

"Now you can decide if that nasty thing comes inside you again. It's up to you." He chuckled.

She sat astride him, feeling him hard against her pressing on her stomach, she giggled, "You are something else!" She mused, "I...I'm supposed to get up on my knees and sit down on that thing and take it inside me; if I want to? I have to do that if I want you inside me? Why?"

He pushed against her stomach and ran his hands across her breasts and shoulders and down to her hips and thighs.

"But they were always trying to stick it in me, every one of them, that's what they wanted. You want me to do it to myself? You are a bad man, you're making my head spin around!" She grumbled and awkwardly moved and then rose on her knees above him.

He took her hand and pulled it down until she felt his hardness, then grasped him as he moved his hand away. She guided him into her as she slowly lowered herself, feeling the penetration as she settled her hips on him.

"Oh. That is so different. I feel you inside me, but you didn't push inside me, I, I...took you into me and, oh, my, you didn't do it to me...oh!" She rose up and rolled off him and lay on her back.

"It's not just a guy thing, then, right? You can both do it, kinda, I mean, well, you know what I mean

He chuckled at her words, "Well, it is a guy thing. There is a do-er and a do-ee, but yes, it is a mutual admiration society, there is cooperation. There can even be kindness and gentleness and giving and taking and lots, lots more."

"I'm so confused," she said, "I wanted you to just do it to me so I could lay back and see what I thought about it as you were doing it. But, damn, you want me to be a part of it? Help you, work with you, do it with you? I don't understand. I was fighting you the whole time before and no matter what I did, you did it better, you were quicker and faster and stronger than I was. You won, I lost. You took me. I never gave it to you. But now, you want me to give, to accept and take it and like it? I don't understand."

"Do you want to make love?" He asked.

"No." she said quietly, "I want you to make love to me! I want you to do it to me; I don't want to do it to you or even with you. I want...I want you to...make love to me! I want...ohhh..."

He silenced her with his lips on her mouth as she accepted his kiss and kissed him back. He forced his knees between her legs and up against the softness as his hands touched her from place to place to place; his lips moving over her face and chest, his hands on her breasts, squeezing and pushing and caressing and touching. He buried his face in her neck, put his hands in her hair and came into her quickly and fully, pulling her head back. Her arms came around him, her knees lifted beside him as he thrust deep into her.

"Oh, God, Yes, Please. Love me!"

He didn't pause or wait for her response to meet him, but moved against her hard and fast as his passion rose. As he thrust harder and faster, she came alive beneath him, meeting him, her fingers deep in his back, her mouth in his neck. As he reached a peak, she sensed it and screamed at him, "Oh, Yes! Now! Please, oh, Please!" He shuddered and thrust again and again and she rose to him and clung to him and cried for him as he collapsed upon her.

"Oh, God, Oh God, Oh God. It's not a bad thing after all. There are no voices in my head, it didn't hurt, I didn't cry. I didn't want you to stop. I wanted you, all of you. I wanted you to want me, I wanted you to take me, to give to me and I gave to you and I let you take me and, Oh God, Oh Jesus God, Ohh..."

She cried as the lay together side by side, still wrapped together.

 

Billy arranged a meeting between Becky and Holly. He struggled with finding a proper setting for the long overdue reunion. He set aside the idea of a meeting in the darkened room where Holly had confronted her past. He briefly considered Becky's apartment so Holly could meet Becky's son. He disregarded a meeting at a favorite fast food outlet near the high school.

With trepidation, he directed the girls to meet at the little park that was the scene that night nearly three years ago. Both were flaming red angry at him, neither had gone back as the years had passed. Both considered not showing up at the appointed time.

They pulled their cars into the small parking lot within seconds of each other. They looked through the car windows but neither moved for several minutes. Becky finally broke the stalemate by opening her door and standing up. Holly did the same and they stared at each other for a long minute.

Holly gasped and moaned and great sobbing cries poured out of her as she ran and stumbled and draped her arms around Becky. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry. I am so sorry, Becky, please forgive me! Please!"

Becky patted her gently on the back and put her arms around Holly's shoulders. "I never blamed you, Holly. I didn't even know you were there until Billy told me. I am ashamed that you saw what happened, but I don't blame you. There was nothing you could have done. I shouldn't have been there with him, it was my mistake and I paid for it. It wasn't your fault. If you want me to forgive you, I will, I do. It wasn't your fault, please; don't blame yourself. It could have happened to you too."

"Oh, Becky...I am so sorry. I always thought I could have, should have done something." Holly cried, "It was so terrible and I was so helpless and then I just ran away. I didn't even try to call for help; I didn't even try to find out what happened afterwards. I'm sorry that it was so hard for you, I really am."

"I know you are, Holly," said Becky, "It was a long time before I could even think about what happened to you or why you didn't try to find me. My parents moved us away from there. I went to a private school. I had the baby at home, I named him, William, I call him Billy, of course..."

"Becky, who is Billy?" Holly asked, "What did he do to help you? Why did he help me?"

Becky stepped back from Holly and looked into her eyes, "Holly, he asked me not to tell you who he is. He asked me to try to convince you not to try to find out about him. He is a wonderful man, he sat with me in the hospital day after day after day, mostly listening to me cry and curse and fight the straightjacket they put me in..."

Holly cried out, "Oh, God, Becky, I feel so awful."

"He found a private hospital I could go to and he paid for it, my parents wouldn't have been able to afford it. He came every day and stayed as long as they would let him on the weekends. He saved my life. When I found out I was pregnant, I went off the deep end again. I wanted to kill the baby, I hated it; I wanted to die along with it. He talked me through it and now I have a wonderful son that I love with all my heart. Someday, I'll find a father for him, someone like Mr....ah, like Billy, I mean. If you ever do anything to hurt that man, then, Holly, I would hate you. He saved my life, I owe him everything!" Tears ran down her face as she sobbed and stopped talking.

Holly tried to comfort Becky as they stood together in the parking lot. Holly began talking rapidly, her breath coming spurts, "I spent the last couple of years trying to get even with every guy I could for what Jimmy and Kevin did to you. I didn't really think about what I was doing until Billy forced me to look at myself. Then I realized how stupid and foolish I was. I was so angry and so confused. I ignored everything else, my family, school, my future, everything, just to try to get even with, punish as many guys as I..."

Becky interrupted her, "Billy said all this might have hurt you as much as it has me, in a different way. I forgive you, I really do. Please forgive yourself; let's get past this and be friends again, please, Holly?"

Holly smiled for the first time since they came together. She blinked away her tears and held tightly to Beck's hands. They stood there, hand in hand and turned to look into the forested park in front of them.

 

 

Holly returned to her parent's home for the first time in three days. She stayed at a Motel after leaving Billy, letting her thoughts and emotions sift down to the lowest level. After the meeting with Becky, she returned to the rented room and sat alone for another two days.

She returned to her home late in the afternoon, smiled at her parents and told them she would be leaving that night. She had closed her bank account and called a phone number in New York City provided by one of the boys who had offered her many things.

She went up the stairs and looked through the open door into Molly's room. Molly turned to her with wide eyes and a question on her face.




Billy Ch. 08



After days of waiting, the telephone at the gas station finally rang at four p.m. exactly.

Julie rushed to take it off the hook, "Billy? Are you all right? It's been a week! I've been worried to death about you! Is everything okay? I get frantic when I can't talk to you. Holly is gone! Did you know that? She packed a suitcase and just left! What happened? How was she when she left you? Was she in a good mood or what? Billy, what happened?"

"Slow down girl!" Billy said over the phone, "I had to go out of town again. I think Holly will be all right. We had a long talk and something else she had to do got taken care of and yes, I think she will be fine. I missed you too, Julie, and Molly, is she there with you?"

"Yes, she's here and worried about you too. Why don't you tell us when you're going to be gone for a long time?" Julie asked.

"I am sorry, Julie, I, uh, I thought I would only be gone for a day but I had to stay longer. Why are you in such a hurry? Is something wrong? Julie?"

Julie stuttered and stammered, "I...well, oh, damn, Billy, I've done it again. I need you to, you need to, ah, someone needs to talk to you but she has to go back tomorrow. She's been waiting all week for me to talk to you. It's really important or I would never have even asked you again after you told me not to. But, Billy, she might lose her husband and she was a good friend for years and she's all confused and she needs help and I don't know what else to suggest to help. Can you see her, talk to her? Please?"

His voice came quietly, "Julie, have you ever stopped to think that you may be really good at helping people? That you have a way of knowing what to do? They seem to come to you. I trust you Julie, if you think I can help, I will try, but...Julie..."

"I know, Billy, I know, I promise never again. But things just keep happening and I don't know what to do and you always seem to know the right thing to do. I'm sorry to ask you again, but...please don't be angry with me."

"I will never be angry at you for trying to help someone, Julie. Does Molly want to talk?"

Molly took the phone, motioned Julie away and turned to the wall next to the phone booth. "When can I see you again?" she whispered.

Her eyes opened wide and she stared at the phone. "Yes. Okay. Yes!" She turned and handed the phone back to Julie.

Julie blinked at the expression on Molly's face as she took the phone. "Billy?"

"What can you tell me about your friend? Who is she?" Asked Billy.

'She', was nineteen-year old Cynthia Matheson, married just after graduating from high school to an apprentice carpenter named Tim. Cindy was deeply in love with Tim and he with her but every time they tried to make love, she became cold and unresponsive. It was destroying their marriage and she didn't know what to do about it.

Cindy sat in the chair before the mirror and looked nervously around. She was dressed in loose fitting jeans and a light blue mannish shirt with long sleeves and a pocket on each side. Her hair was dark brown with red highlights, and hung smoothly just above her shoulders. He eyes were wide, round and full and her eyebrows thick and arched. She had high cheekbones and a near heart shaped face; full lips and a nicely shaped and proportioned nose. She was plain but attractive, and appeared edgy in the tiny room.

He looked again at her eyes as she focused on the mirror before her. He smiled as visions of artists who painted women's faces flashed through his mind, and of poets who wrote of drowning in the depths of a woman's eyes. Cindy had the eyes of a woman.

"You have lovely eyes," he said softly.

She flinched slightly as his voice came through the speakers of each side of the mirror. "Oh! Um, I wondered if you were there."

"I am here, I can see you. You look very nice, I like your face."

"Thank you," she smiled.

"How can I help you, Cindy?"

"How can you help me? Ahem, ah, didn't Julie tell you, well, what my problem was?

"She said you were having difficulties with your love life, ah, your husband and that you needed to talk about it. Maybe I can help you. sort it out."

"Talk about it? That's what Julie said?

"Yes, that is what she said. Hmmm, why do I have the feeling the she didn't tell me everything? You are not here 'just' to talk are you?"

"More than that..." she blushed and lowered her chin. "I've already talked to a marriage counselor and a Minister and even some people at the public health service place. I heard everything there is hear about being, 'frigid', or being molested as a child or just being afraid of sex. I've talked and I've listened until I'm blue in the face. I don't need to talk anymore.

"I've never been with anyone else but Timmy, my husband. I thought, uh, well, if I could have sex with someone else, someone different, well then I would know if the problem was my fault. Something I am doing wrong, or some answer, anything, I waited almost a week for you. Julie didn't, ah, she didn't tell you?"

"No, but, I suppose I should have guessed," he said quietly. "Julie has a wide definition of what, 'helping' someone means. Cindy, I am not comfortable with this..."

She interrupted, "Oh, you just have to try to help me find out what is wrong with me, please. I know you think I'm just a dumb housewife, but I love Timmy and he loves me and we have tried everything and asked for help everywhere. I don't know what to do. I know he is gonna go lookin' around for somebody else and I don't want to lose him. I love him so much. I called Julie because we were friends in school last year and we used to talk about being married and all that. Please, you've got to help me."

"Cindy you are married. You promised to be faithful to your husband. How will you feel if you betray him? Have you really thought about actually having sex with someone else?"

Tears ran down her face, "And how will I feel if I lose him?" She cried out and leaned forward in the chair, rocking back and forth, her arms crossed over her breasts. "I didn't just come up with the idea of sleeping with someone else. I have to find out! I don't know what will happen! It is a chance to maybe save my marriage. I have to find out or I am gonna lose him. If I lose him then it won't matter if I was unfaithful, it will be over any way. Can't you see? Please try to help me! Please!" 

Billy's sigh came softly through the speakers, "I can't help you that way, Cindy. I will try to help you if I can, but not that way. Can you talk to me? Tell me all about you, and your husband. How you feel about sex, how he feels. Maybe if you talk to me I can see a direction or a way to go."

She shook her head back and forth and sobbed, "But I have talked to people before. I even went to a Sex Therapist; it cost a hundred dollars an hour! She listened to me and nodded and smiled and said she thought she could help me if I came back every week for six months. That's over two thousand dollars and she didn't promise anything. Nothing! We can't afford that! I've tried everything. I don't know what else to do."

Billy stood quietly, his head lowered, hearing her soft crying, his voice was troubled; "I will do whatever I can to help you, Cindy, I will try my best. But you have to work with me; you have to do what I say. You have to answer my questions honestly and fully and try to help me help you. Do you understand?"

She slowly raised her head and looked into the mirror, "I will do anything you tell me. I will answer every question as best as I can. Just, please, help me."

There was a long period of silence as Billy gathered his thoughts and Cindy fidgeted in the chair, glancing now and again at the mirror before her. She finally timidly asked, "Are you still there?"

"Yes, Cindy, I am here. Tell me what you think about sexual intercourse, having sex with Timmy, making love to him. What are you thinking? How do you feel about it?" 

"Feel about it? What do you mean?"

Billy paused again, "Well, when Timmy wants to make love. How do you know? Does he kiss you or touch you in a special way? What are you feeling when you know he wants you?"

She looked away from the mirror, "Oh, I know when he wants to do it. I mean like he always wants to, but when he really, really wants to, I can see it in his eyes, his face gets hard and serious. I hate that look!"

Billy leaned forward, "You hate it?"

Cindy shivered and brought her knees together, Well, I mean, I love him and I like the kissing and touching and I want him to make love to me. But when he pushes my legs apart and gets on top of me and puts his, 'thing' inside me, I just stop. I don't feel anything! I hate it! I want to hold him and love him and I just can't! I just freeze and lay there until it is over."

Billy struggled to find words, "His, 'thing'? Cindy, you are a married woman, you don't have to call it a 'thing'. It is his penis and he puts it into your vagina and it is supposed to be pleasurable for both of you. Why isn't it? Is there pain? Does it hurt you?"

She twisted in the chair, never looking into the mirror, "It doesn't hurt! They already asked me that." She glanced up, her face a grimace of revulsion and denial; "You don't have to talk dirty to me! Sex is for having babies and that's all. It's not supposed to be fun and he doesn't want to have children yet, not until we can afford to take care of a family. So what is the point in having sex if we are not going to make a baby? It's wrong! It's bad! It is a sin to do it just for fun."

Billy stepped back away from the one-way glass, "Did you tell the Therapist the same things you just told me?"

"No. Well, some, a little. But I told the Preacher and he agreed with me. We have to resist the temptations of the flesh."

Billy's voice had an edge, "Who taught you that? Who told you all those things, where did you learn about sex and marriage?"

"My mother!" She flung the words at him, "She told me over and over about how bad men were. Wanting sex all the time, forcing you to satisfy their evil desires. The Church too, she took me to Church twice on Sunday and again on Wednesday night. At the young women's meetings they kept telling us it was a sin to have sex outside of marriage and that after you got married we had to tolerate the beastly nature of a man and obey him. They said we should not find pleasure in the coupling; that it was only to produce children.

"That's what they taught. That is what I learned, but I don't understand all of it. I want to please Timmy; I want him to be happy with me. But he wants it all the time, just like they said he would. I try to be good and I try to love him and give him what he wants, but I can't do either one. I feel guilty and awful and sinful and lost and I don't know what's wrong with me. Other people seem to stay happy when they are married. What is wrong with me? Oh, I just don't know."

Cindy cried, bent over the chair, her face in her hands. Billy looked at her and listened.

"Please don't cry, Cindy, it hurts me when you cry. Cindy, ah, I don't know how to ask this...do you really believe all the things you just said?"

"I don't, I don't know, I don't know," she wept. "I don't know what to believe."

There was silence in the small room for several moments, "A little while ago, you said you would answer me truthfully and do what I told you to do. Do you still feel that way?"

She lifted her tear stained face, "If you will help me, yes, anything you say."

"Unbutton your shirt."

She gasped, "What?"

"You heard me."

"Why?" 

In the silence that followed, she blinked and squirmed and fidgeted, but raised her hands and began to unbutton the shirt.

"Pull it back over your shoulders."

Her chest heaved and her eyes opened even wider as she pulled the blue shirt back and down her arms.

"Unhook your brassiere."

She gasped again and stared into the mirror, her eyes wide but she did as he said. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"Doing what to you?"

"You're going to look at me...at my, ah, my...oh, why are you doing this? Why?

"You have asked me to make love to you. Am I not supposed to see you before I touch you?"

"But why do you want to look at me? Why do you want to see me? I don't understand."

"I think the female body is beautiful. I like looking at your face, your eyes and your lips. I want to touch your breasts and kiss your neck and take your nipples into my mouth and taste your skin and the velvet of your stomach..."

"Stop it! Stop it! Don't say those things! Those are sins! All the temptations they told me about! I don't want you to look at me that way or touch me that way! It's evil! It's sinful, it's awful."

"No, none of those things, Cindy. It is beautiful. It's life; it's loving. And you will do all these things. Now, pull the straps down over your shoulders."

"No! I won't!"

"Well, good. That solves my problem. You can leave now."

"But it goes against everything I believe!"

"Then leave."

"You are torturing me! You are destroying me."

"I did not ask you to come here, Cindy. You said you would try."

She sat quietly for a moment and then pulled her shirt completely off and placed it on the table beside her. She then pulled her arms out of the brassiere and placed it alongside the shirt. She crossed her arms over her breasts and looked defiantly up into the mirror.

"Take your left hand and cup it under your left breast. Take your right hand, thumb and first finger and rub the nipple."

She gasped, "It's already hard."

"Do it anyway."

She closed her eyes and her lips parted as she worried the nipple.

"Unbutton your jeans, all the way."

"Oh, please, don't make me!"

"Keep rubbing your nipple. Put your other hand on your belly and move it slowly down, under your panties and touch yourself in that place where Timmy touches you."

"No! I won't do that!"

Silence. She did not move her hand.

"It's a sin! I'll go to hell and burn forever if I do that!"

"No, you won't. But you will leave this room if you don't"

She closed her eyes and turned her head, closed her mouth tightly and moved her hand down between her legs.

"I don't want you to pretend. I want you to touch yourself until you feel satisfied. It is called masturbation. I want you to give yourself an orgasm and I am going to watch you do it."

"I can't do this! I won't do it! Why are you making me do these things? Why do you want to watch me? Why? Why?"

"Cindy, I want to see you find at least some pleasure in sex or I will not help you any farther. Close your eyes. Pretend it is Timmy touching you, let yourself go, imagine, believe for a moment that it is all right to feel that kind of pleasure."

She touched herself slowly, then opened her knees and moved her hips, slowly rocking back and forth. Her hand stayed on her chest as she rubbed and massaged and finally cried out and lay back in the chair; her head turned aside, her chest heaving.

Through closed eyes, she sensed the sudden darkness in the room and heard a sliding sound. She opened her eyes wide.

"Move forward with your hands in front of you and step up as you come through the door."

Oh! Oh...oh," she gasped as she stumbled into his arms in the darkness.

"Do you want to take the rest of your clothes off?" Billy asked her softly.

"Uh, I dunno, ah, okay, I guess." She held on to him with one hand as she pulled her jeans and panties off. She leaned back against a padded wall holding on to his arm. "You have a shirt on."

"Shall I take my clothes off?" Billy asked.

She did not answer.

"Better yet, you take my clothes off," he said quietly.

"Me?"

"Yes, and I want you to touch my body, all over, as you do."

"Why are you so mean to me?"

He put his hands around her waist and pulled her to him and placed his face in her neck and then to her ear and whispered. "I am not being mean to you, Cindy. You are totally wrong with what you said about sex. It is warm and tender and wonderful and beautiful and even amazing sometimes. 

"But you don't know that, you don't even have a hint of that. I can't talk to you about it, I am not even sure I can show you. But, I will try, if you won't fight me."

He let his lips and his hands roam over her and felt and listened to her breath as he aroused her.

"Oh..." she said as she breathed deep and hard. "I won't fight you. This part is always so exciting for me, but then I start thinking what comes next..."

"Take my clothes off now, and touch me all over."

"Even there...?"

"Especially there..."

She went to her knees, pulling his pants and shorts down. As she started to rise, he placed his hand on her head. "Touch me there."

"I never touched it before, never." She cautiously ran her hands up his thighs, "OH! It's long and, uh, thick."

"I want you to put your face there, Cindy. I want you to smell me, touch me and kiss me there. Then I want you to take me into your mouth."

"Oh, God, no!" She moaned.

"No one else will ever know. I think you need to do it."

"God will know!" She said.

"Pretend I am Timmy and that he would like you to do that to him."

He felt her hot and rapid breath against his thigh and then the warmth of her mouth as she closed around him. He put his hand behind her head and moved slightly, she took him deeper in her mouth.

She pulled away and stood up after a moment and put her arms around his neck, "I heard you make a noise. Did it feel that good for you? Really?"

"Yes, I think your husband would feel the same way. Cindy, we are two people, a man and a woman, naked before each other. Touch me, hold me, kiss me, just let your body feel what is going on. There is nothing bad or sinful between us or you and your husband. I want you to think about that as I am touching you."

After several minutes she was gasping for breath, "Oh, Billy, I feel like I am going to fall down."

He chuckled lightly and walked her slowly to a padded wall. They both sat with their backs against it, her head on his shoulder. "Can I call you, Billy? I did not want to use your name, I thought, I mean, if I didn't say your name, then I wouldn't really be, well, I mean, to Timmy..."

"I understand, Cindy. I know this is not easy for you to do."

She sought out his hand and squeezed it, "I know you have been patient with me. I just don't know what to do or how to feel. Sex has never been a big thing to me. Just something I had to do because Timmy wanted to. We even waited until after we were married.

"I want to please him, to satisfy him, but he knows I don't like it. It's okay for him, I guess, but it is never any good for me. Maybe that is the way it is supposed to be. If that's the way it is, then I could live with it, but Timmy won't, he wants more from me and I don't know how to give it to him, I really don't"

"You have never been with anyone else but Timmy?"

"No one, ever. He was the first."

"And that is why you wanted to try it with someone else?"

"That's the only reason. I love him. I want to be with him forever. But I can't make him happy. I can't satisfy him and I know I am going to lose him if I can't be what he wants me to be. This is my last chance to find out. If I can have sex with you and like it and want it, then something is wrong with Timmy and me and then I will know, well, at least, know something. But if I can't do it with you, then something is probably wrong with me and at least I will know that. Do you understand? Do you see what I mean?"

Billy was quiet for a moment, "Yes, I understand, Cindy, but it is not that easy. In your terms, you have a lot of, ah, 'hang-ups' about sex. I don't think having sex is going to fix what you think about it."

"Well," she said with a smile in her voice. "Lightning didn't strike when I, ah, took your ah, pu...p...penis in my mouth. And I was giving you pleasure, I could feel that in the way you moved. But the whole idea of having sex, uh, for fun, for pleasure, ah, to, oh, I don't know. All my life I have been told otherwise, that it was wrong."




Billy Ch. 08



"Do you ever get on top of Timmy when you have sex, Cindy?"

"I wouldn't do it that way, he wanted me to, but they said only one way was the right way. You know, with the man on top."

"And now...?"

"Oh, Billy, I don't know..."

He scooted down from the wall and gently pulled her over him, "I won't force you to do anything, but..."

She lay full length on him for a moment and then slowly rose to her knees, "Billy?"

"Take me in your hand..."

"Oh...ohhh...you...you are inside me!"

He ran his hands from her hips up and squeezed her breasts and lifted up against her. She gasped and a low sound came from her throat.

"Oh, I want to, I want to...but...I just can't, I can't..." She rolled off to the side and curled up into a ball. "It was the same feeling, when I felt you inside me, I got cold in my stomach, like I was afraid of something. Oh, Billy, what is wrong with me?"

"Maybe you just weren't ready, let me try." He moved over her and kissed his way down from her face to her breasts and to her stomach.

"Oh! You're gonna, 'go down' on me! I know about that but I never let Timmy do it. It is not right. It is so bad they don't even mention it, but the girls did after the meeting."

She halfheartedly tried to stop him as he put his face between her legs and began to explore the folds and crevasses with his lips and his tongue. She moaned and rose to him and put her hands on his head and moved her hips. He penetrated her with a finger and explored as he began a steady pushing with his lips. She clasped him to her and cried out.

He moved up over her and for a moment she rose and helped him penetrate, then she stopped and let her arms and legs drop away from him. He stopped moving and lowered himself on her, his face in her neck.

"Oh, Billy, what is wrong with me? Why do I just go cold when you come inside me?"

Billy sighed, "I don't know, Cindy, but at least you can talk about it, now, while it is happening. I don't suppose you and Timmy have talked much?"

"No, I didn't want him to know. I just hung on and hugged him; we never talked. But he knew, he knew something wasn't right."

"Cindy, how did it feel for you when I was, well, when I went down on you? Did you feel guilt or shame? Anything?"

"I should have, shouldn't I?" She sat partly up, resting on her elbows, "Billy, that was the best, most intense feeling I ever had from sex. I was lost in the feeling inside my body, I wasn't thinking about anything else except I hoped you wouldn't stop."

He reached out and ran his fingers through her hair, "Well, that part works okay then. But why, oh, why not the rest? Cindy, this is a scary question for me, but, ah, you don't like to be hurt do you? I mean, you don't enjoy pain, do you?"

"Pain? No, I don't like being hurt. I am a baby over getting shots or even a scratch, nothing like that."

Billy shook his head in the darkness, "I am running out of ideas, you said Timmy was the first one you were with, so you were never raped, never forced to have sex with anyone..."

"No, Timmy was the first to every touch me."

Billy sighed again, "Cindy, I am going to try something, probably really stupid, but go along with me. Okay?"

"You won't hurt me?"

"No, I won't hurt you. I just want you to pretend something, but you really have to pretend, like a fantasy that becomes real and you are caught up in it."

Cindy sounded doubtful, "Well, I'll try..."

"Okay, I want you to pretend that you wake up in a huge castle, you are a princess and you have been stolen away. You are lying naked on a huge bed and your wrists are tied with soft velvet ropes to the bedposts behind you." As Billy spoke in a low entrancing voice, he pulled her arms out to her sides and back and pretended to tie them. He then pulled her legs apart and pretended to loosely tie her ankles.

She did not speak, but he heard her breathing become shallow and faster.

He did not kiss her or touch her body, but moved between her legs and sought and found and penetrated slightly. He heard and felt her catch her breath.

He pushed deeper inside and for a moment she did not move. He adjusted his hips and his hands and pushed again and penetrated deeper and then was fully inside her. She brought her knees up alongside him and he felt her raise to meet him as he pushed again.

He pushed twice again and she met him each time. Then he stopped.

"Oh, daddy, don't stop, it's okay, it doesn't hurt at all..."

Billy froze and his heart seemed to stop. He reached over her head to the wall, fumbled until he found the seam, opened a compartment and took a small digital recorder out and turned it on.

"Please, daddy..." Cindy moved her hips against him, "Please, daddy, it's okay, I want you to love me..."

Blinking the tears from his eyes, Billy slowly and gently made love to her as she responded to him, meeting each thrust. After long slow minutes passed, he felt her arms rise and circle his back and her lips on his neck and shoulders. She began urging him on, crying out words he could not understand, moaning and groaning as he moved against her. Suddenly, gasping for breath, she stopped and pushed his head up and away from her.

"What is...happening...who are...how...?"

Billy reached a hand and caressed her face and the hair above her ear. "It's all right, Cindy, it's all right."

"Billy?"

"Yes, Cindy, it's me."

"What happened? Did I dream that? I swear I was, you were, we were making love and it was good and I wanted...oh, Billy, what happened?"

Billy remained silent.

Cindy let her breathing slow before she spoke again, "We were making love, I mean really, the both of us, and then it stopped. Something happened. What? Billy?"

"You don't remember anything, Cindy? Nothing?"

"Remember what? You were pretending to tie my hands to the bed- post and I was thinking how silly that was and then...then...the next thing I remember we were making love...and then it stopped. What happened? Billy?"

"I am not sure of what to say or do, Cindy, I don't know."

"You don't know what, Billy, I don't understand."

"Something happened, Cindy, something really deep in your memory, I think. I am troubled to tell you if you don't remember."

"But you've got to tell me! For the first time in my life, I was making love and it was okay. Tell me!"

"Cindy, I just don't know. You might, uh, react badly, it, ahh, it changes a lot of things for you."

"I won't blame you, Billy, no matter what, but I have to know what happened."

"Are you sure, really sure?"

"Yes, damn it all! Tell me! What happened?"

Billy reached for the tape recorder, rewound it and paused his finger over the, 'play' button. "I'm not sure about this..."

"Billy, it's okay, really, what is it?"

The silence in the room lingered long after a little girls voice said, 'Please, daddy, it's okay..."

"Cynthia?" Billy asked very softly.

"Oh, God, Billy...how could I not remember all that?"

"Are you all right?"

"I think so. I just all came back, all at once, all of it."

"Can you talk about it?"

"I don't know."

"Would you like me to hold you?"

"No, I don't think so, not yet."

"Okay."

It was five minutes before she began to talk and it all tumbled out...

"It was my fault, all my fault and always my fault. I was a 'daddy's girl', I loved my dad. I mean really loved him, in every way. When he would pick me up in his arms I would shift around until I could feel him between my legs. I was doing that as far back as I can remember and I knew I was doing it.

"He would always move away from me, re adjust the way he was carrying me so I couldn't do that. I don't know what he thought, but I was always disappointed when he would move me away from him.

"I tagged around after him everywhere, got in his lap or in his arms every time I could. He would give me little pecky kisses and I would try to give him real kisses. He just smiled at me and put me down. He never did a thing to me, never touched me wrong, never. I wonder what he thought about me?"

Billy heard her move about as she changed positions. "I knew things were bad between my mom and dad. She was always nagging at him, never enough money, she always wanted more. He couldn't ever seem to do anything right, she was continually on his case. But no matter how bad it got, he always tucked me in and gave me a little kiss goodnight. 'Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite.' He always said, a silly thing to remember. Sometimes I would snag my arms around his neck when he leaned over to kiss me goodnight. I would hug his as tight as I could. I felt his sadness; I felt how much he needed affection, to be loved. I knew my mother didn't give it to him and I wanted to. I know that.

"He started drinking after he came home from work. I understood; when my mom yelled at him, he would just smile and shake his head and take another drink. Then my mom would tell me how terrible he was, how terrible men were. I could hear them in their bedroom at night, most of the time they argued; sometimes I could just hear the bed squeak.

"Then there was a real big argument, my mom was screaming and throwing things. My dad was just quiet. She left, just packed her bags and left. She never said a word to me. I went to bed but I was scared. When he came in to tell me goodnight, I didn't want to let him go. I just hung on to him, my arms around his neck, and my legs around his waist. I didn't want him to leave. I could smell the stuff he was drinking and the cigarette smell and his aftershave and the way he always smelled. I wanted him to sleep in my bed, but he wouldn't. He laughed at me and said I was a big girl and that I shouldn't be afraid of the dark. I wasn't afraid of the dark; I just didn't want to be alone.

"I heard the ice in the glass and I knew he was having more to drink, I stayed awake on purpose. I waited until it was quiet in the house and I tiptoed out of my bedroom and down the hallway. He was asleep on top of their bed, he didn't even pull the covers down and he just had a pair of shorts on.

"I turned the light off and real quietly climbed up on the bed alongside him. I remember the smell of him; I still love it. I snuggled as close as I could to him. I put my arms around him and tried to get my body closer to his.

"We lay that way for a long time, I might even have dropped off to sleep for a while. Then he turned over and I was underneath him. Suddenly his face was in my neck and his hands were pushing my nightgown up and pulling my underpants down. I wasn't scared; I didn't know what was happening. I just put my arms around him and held on.

"And then the thing I guess I had always wanted to happen, was happening. He had his hand between my legs and he was touching me. I couldn't believe how good it felt, how wonderful it felt, how much I wanted his touch. I remember I had a big sigh and I just opened my legs wide open. "Then he kissed me on the mouth and that surprised me, but I kissed him back. He took my hands in his and stretched them up over my head. Then I felt something pushing at me between my legs and he was kissing my boobs and biting on my neck and then I let out a little cry as he pushed inside me.

"I felt him stiffen his whole body as he became aware of what was happening. I saw the panic and the terror in his eyes as he tried to lift himself off of me. As much as it hurt, I wouldn't let him up. I clamped my legs and arms around him and I would not let him go. He lay there crying in my hair and saying sorry, over and over again. I was crying too, because I loved him so much, but I don't think he understood."

Cindy paused to catch her breath, to collect her thoughts, Billy remained silent an arms length away from her.

"He never came to my bed. If he was awake and sober, he closed and locked his door if my mother was gone. But he did make love to me, several times, when he had been drinking. It was my fault; I did it. I knew when I had a chance and I took it. Only one time did he ever 'really' make love to me; I think he just gave up fighting it. It was the most wonderful feeling in the whole world. He wanted me, I wanted him, I think I passed out.

"Then my mother found out. She said she smelled me in her bed sheets. I don't know how that could be, but she threw all my dad's things out the door. I never saw him or heard from him again. She locked me up except for church meetings. I finally ran off to an Aunt's house and stayed there until I met Timmy."

Cindy let a long and deep sigh escape from her lungs...

"I am still listening, Cindy, but I don't know what to say. Are you okay with all of this?"

"Timmy wasn't my first, then."

"No, I guess not."

"But why did all that, so long ago...I don't understand.."

"You were very young. You were made to feel a lot of guilt. It has all been kept inside. Cindy, I am not a professional at these things, that is why I did not know if I should tell you."

"I am glad you did. Do you record everything in here, Julie?"

"No, Cindy. Only after I heard that little girl's voice coming from your mouth."

"Oh. Billy? What do I do now?"

"What do you mean?"

"My husband, my father. What do I do?"

"What do you think?"

"I don't know. Billy, am I okay now? Can I make love to Timmy?"

"I can't answer that, Cindy."

"Yes, you can. Billy, make love to me. I am not a girl anymore; I am a married woman. I know you did everything for me, nothing for you. If nothing else, I want to feel you finish, inside me, so that I know I gave you pleasure. I will figure out the rest on my own."

"That is not necessary, Cindy. I have done all I know how to help you solve your dilemma. I am hopeful you can work it out."

"Damn you, Billy. I want you to make love to me to see if I can. I just said that to you so I could save face and not beg you. I need to know! I have to know!"

"Cindy, you are a good person, I like you. You have faced a lot of demons in the past few hours. All those beliefs of yours about sex won't just go away. Think of all you have experienced so far tonight. Can you handle all of it? It is not an easy thing to go from 'closed' to 'open' in the blink of an eye. Think about it."

"I have been thinking about it, and nothing else for months. I decided to be unfaithful to my husband, the love of my life, just to have a chance to keep him. My mother, the church, what I have been taught, all those things, I put everything on the line to save my marriage. I think I have decided what is important to me. There is just one last thing I need to know for sure..."

Billy smiled in the darkness and reached out for her, "Well, then, let's make this last a long time. Do you want to go first?"

"Oh, God, I really have changed. Yes, I do. I want to get you so excited that you want me so bad you just take me! Is that good?"

Billy caressed her back as she ran her hands and lips over his face and then his upper body. He relented and let her touch him and take him in her mouth for a moment and then began to touch and fondle and manipulate her until she begged him.

He took her hands in his and pressed them into the soft padded floor on each side of her head and came between her legs. She lifted her knees and sought his mouth with hers. She moaned and lifted to him as he came into her and clung to him and met him and urged him on until he fell gasping on her breasts.

"Oh, my God, Billy, it's like I thought it would be when I was a little girl. A whole new world, above and beyond everything. I can live again! Oh, my God!"

Billy rolled away and pulled her next to him, "Your dad, your father, you should try to find him. He might feel, uh, very bad about what he did to you..."

"But he didn't...oh, yes, I understand. Yes, I will."

"And your husband, Tim, what will you tell him?"

"Oh. Oh...oh my, I don't know..."

"Honesty and openness is essential in a good marriage, but, there are limits to that..."

"Oh, Billy, I am so happy, I don't want to think about it now. I want to tell him everything so he will understand. But I don't want to tell anyone about you, I don't want to share you with anyone, not even Julie, but she will know. Billy, I love you. Thank you for my life. I am so sorry I was such a dumb girl and so confused. Please, hold me, I think I am going to cry."

Cindy called Julie two weeks later, after a, 'naked' pizza dinner she had waiting at home for Timmy. Timmy called Julie and said he did not want to know anything about who, what, where, why or when, but that he offered a heartfelt thank you for whatever had happened.

Julie cried and waited until she could talk to Billy again.



Billy Ch. 09



ALISON 

The tall, athletically slim young woman stood quietly in the small room as she removed the blindfold. She swung her head slowly to her left and back all the way to the right, surveying her surroundings. 

Her eyes were wide-set and large and very light blue, her complexion light to almost pale. Her hair long and light brown, fell over her shoulders and halfway down her back.

She blinked rapidly as Billy's voice came over the speaker. "You look very nice today, Miss Jennings, please have a seat. Is that a new outfit?"

She offered a tentative smile, her lips pressed together as she sat in the chair facing the mirror, "You can see me through the mirror?"

"Yes," answered Billy, "I can see you just fine, you look wonderful."

"Thank you, ah, Molly, I guess it was Molly that asked you to see me, ah, she didn't tell me your name. What shall I call you?" 

"I'm sorry Miss Jennings, I can't give you my name at this time. I know you don't understand, but please try to work with it, there is a reason." 

"Okay, it's all right. "What did Molly say? Why did you agree to see me so soon?"

"Molly said she made you cry. She felt very bad about that and asked me to apologize for her. She said she thought you needed to talk to someone who would listen. I can listen." 

"Yes," Alison spoke with a pensive tone in her voice, "I would like to talk to you but I would also like to ask you a few things. Ah, my clothes are all new; I bought them just this morning. It's the first time I've worn them. I don't usually dress in this manner."

She was wearing a beige colored full skirt that fell just below her knees and a short-sleeved white blouse open at the throat that fell in soft waves over her breasts and tucked into the waistband of her skirt.

"Did you buy that outfit for me?" Asked Billy.

"Yes."

"Why?"

She colored slightly and lowered her eyes, "I wanted you to like me. I wanted to be attractive to you." She spoke softly, "I haven't been alone, with a man, for a long time...years..."

Billy remained silent for a long moment, "...Alison, you said you had some questions for me?" He finally said.

She gathered herself, sat up straight in the chair and grasped the arms of the chair with her hands. "I am the girls counselor at our school, I have been for almost four years now. We have had some recent problems. Things are happening that I don't understand. I don't seem to be able to help these girls but someone is. I think it is you. 

"I tried to talk to Julie McGregor after she was, ah, assaulted. She wouldn't talk to me. I tried to see Maria in the hospital and she wouldn't see me. I saw little Molly Fischer change dramatically almost overnight. I cornered her in my office and really pressured her about what made her change."

Alison paused for a moment, "I told her I thought a man was involved and I demanded to know who it was. Molly...that tiny little quiet girl turned to me and the look in her eyes almost pushed me away from her. She was furious. She cut me to ribbons. She ripped me apart, verbally, intellectually and emotionally in a way I have never been attacked before. And then she said...she said...that I shouldn't be trying to help people. She looked me straight in the eyes and told me I was the one who needed help. I was devastated. I just dropped into a chair and stared at her and, yes, I cried, well at least tears came to my eyes. 

"I asked her if she knew someone who could help me. She looked at me with those marvelous eyes, tilted her head a little and she said, 'I'll think about it,' Then she turned and walked out of my office without a backwards glance. Molly! Little Molly Fischer! What have you done to her?"

"Are you angry with me?" Asked Billy.

She blinked rapidly, "I was." She said, looking away and running a hand through her hair. "I, ah, I thought you might have done things or said things that were improper, I was furious for a few days. Then I thought about my feelings and I watched both girls in school. They were happy and excited and alive and I was jealous and I knew you had done them no harm. I'm not angry or bitter any more. I just want you to help me, as you did them, if you can. Please."

Billy remained silent for several minutes, as Alison was calm and then restless. She finally spoke, "Are you still there?"

Billy's voice was soft and gentle; "You said earlier that you had not been alone with a man for a long time. Why?"

"Did I say that?" She said out loud, "Oh, yes, I did, I remember. I said that." She paused..."I had some problems and I didn't want to see anyone. And then, I don't know, I just didn't go out, didn't try to meet people. I was hoping, ah, well, someone I knew, but...ah nothing ever happened. I did try once though, about a year ago, during spring break."

"What happened?" Asked Billy.

Alison laughed, her face alive and expressive for the first time, "You don't want to know, it was funny in a way. I didn't try again."

"What happened?" Billy repeated, "Please tell me."

"You'll just listen? You won't think I was just a silly female? I really don't want to tell you. It's private. It's personal. It's not something you need to know about me." She was fidgeting in the chair as she spoke rapidly.

"Why are you here?" Asked Billy, his voice firm but quiet, "I can't help you if I don't know what you're thinking or what you are feeling. Please tell me."

Alison slumped down in the chair then smiled and sat up and looked wide-eyed into the mirror. "Okay. You asked for it. I...I...ah, I wanted a man. It had happened before but I always seemed to get over it. One time I got dressed up and drove all the way to a tavern before I chickened out and turned around and drove home and took a cold shower and went to bed.

"This time I was determined. I swore to myself I wouldn't back down. I was going to a bar and pick up a guy and have sex with him. I just had to do it and I was going to do it." She looked down and closed her eyes as if she were seeing the events again.

"It had to be a long way from the school, so I wouldn't be recognized by anyone. I put on a blonde wig and used a lot of make-up, which I never do and I drove to a little country roadhouse about forty miles away. I sat in the car in the parking lot for maybe ten minutes watching guys and gals coming and going and laughing and drinking and having fun. I finally got up enough courage to get out of the car.

"It was busy and noisy and smoky inside; not really my kind of place. But I wiggled on in there, swinging my hips, head and boobs up, I was wearing, ah, well," she blushed. "I was wearing the same kind of thing I have on now. I wanted to look, ah...good...ah...well, sexy, you know."

Billy smiled behind the mirror, "Yes, I know. Please go on."

Alison closed her eyes as she faced the mirror, "I remember looking around for a place to sit down. All the tables around the dance floor were full but I saw an empty place at the end of the bar. I sat down and turned to look at who was on the dance floor. 

"The bartender came up and I ordered a drink, wine I think, or maybe a cocktail. My drink hadn't arrived before the first guy asked me to dance but I said, 'maybe in a little while,' and he smiled and went away. I got my drink and a couple more guys asked but I wasn't ready yet, I was watching the dance floor and the guys.

"I finally picked one out, he reminded me of a friend of mine and I watched him move around. He danced with a girl and I could see he danced all right and he smiled a lot and I like that, so I put my eyes on him..."

"You put your eyes on him?" Billy asked, "What does that mean?"

"Well," she said coyly, "When you want a guy to notice you, you look at him all the time so that every time he looks at you, he sees you looking at him and you smile at him. It works every time. He almost fell over a chair getting up to the bar.

"Wouldya like t'dance, ma'am?" He asked me with a big smile on his face. He had nice teeth and his eyes had a warm open look.

"'I'd love to,' and I smiled back at him.

"He took my hand gently and led me to the dance floor, finding a clear space for us. It was kind of a medium dance, not real fast but not a slow dance. He took my hand in his and I put my hand on his shoulder and he put his arm around me, his hand in the middle of my back." She paused for a moment, "Some guys are rough, they start groping you the moment you get on the floor, but he was nice, we were just dancing and getting acquainted. He said his name was Eddy, I told him my name was Janet. He asked where I was from and I said I was just visiting and then the band stopped playing. We just stood there for a minute, talking until the band started again and it was a slow dance.

"He looked at me and I looked at him and he held his hands out and I took his hand and moved into his arms. He was still being nice, he kept my hand in his but moved our hands closer to his chest, the hand on my back. I could feel him touching me a little lower than he did before and he was moving his fingers. He was, well, kinda asking where this was going."

Alison was well colored in the face now and uneasy in the chair as if she were reliving the emotions of the dance.

"Well," she said brightly. "I knew where this was going and I wanted him to know too. I took my hand out of his and I put both my arms around his neck and I moved up to him so that we were touching slightly, just a little. 

"Well, he knew what that meant; his hands came down just above my hips and he pulled me to him so that we were pressed against each other. I had my head on his chest and I put my lips on his neck and I felt him hard against me. I pushed against him and he put his leg between mine and pushed against me. When I pushed back I heard his breathing change and I pulled his head down so he could kiss my neck and then he found his way to kissing my face.

"The band stopped playing and we stood there breathing hard and looking at each other. 'Wouldya like to take a little walk?'" He asked.

"'Sure,' I answered."

"We walked, didn't run, but walked fast, off the dance floor, past the bar and out the door into the parking lot. He led me to one of those sports utility vehicles, one with four doors and handed me into the back seat. I scooted over as he got in and held my arms out to him; he found my lips and kissed me hard and put his hands on my breasts. I kissed him back and pushed my chest into his face and locked my arms around his back and made some of those sounds that just drive guys wild. You know, 'oh, ah, yes, oh please,' that kind of thing.

"I just lay there, letting him kiss me and touch me and pull my blouse up and get his hands under by brassiere. I just closed my eyes and smiled and took a deep breath. He had my skirt up over my hips and my panties down and had his finger inside me when lights lit up the inside of the car. 

"Nothing happened for a moment, but the lights didn't go away. He stopped and peered cautiously out the window, "Oh, Jesus Christ!" He said, "It's my wife! Oh, shit, oh damn. I gotta go, I gotta go, sorry, sorry...stay down don't let her see you! Oh God!"

Alison sat slumped in the chair, exhausted from the re-telling of her experience.

"I just lay there for a moment," she said quietly. "The passion faded and became tawdry and I was ashamed and embarrassed and also very unsatisfied. So I drove home, slowly. I took my usual cold shower and was a long time going to sleep. Now, did you really want to hear all that?"

It was quiet in the small room for a moment then there was a click over the speaker and then the sound of a piano and a guitar wafted through the room.

"Wouldya like t'dance, ma'am?" Billy's voice came through the speakers.

Alison's eyes blinked rapidly and her hands gripped the arms of the chair. "You...you want to dance with me?" She asked breathlessly.

"May I have this dance please, Janet?"

"Oh, Eddy, I'd love to dance!"

"Please take your shoes off," said Billy. "Would you do one more thing before you come in here?"

"Well, I guess, of course. What do you want me to do?" She asked with a puzzled smile on her face.

Billy's smile was evident in his voice. " I want you to take that very pretty skirt in your hands, one on each side and raise it slowly, and move your hips and show me, just a glimpse of what kind of underwear you bought today for me to see. Can you do that?"

Alison looked blankly at the mirror before her for an instant and then smiled broadly, turned away and looked back into the mirror with a naughty look in her eyes. "You mean like this?" As she slowly raised her skirt and moved her hips from side to side and swished her skirt back and forth until the pale pink bikini panties were clearly visible. Then she lifted her skirt even higher and spun around twice showing her tight fitting brief underwear fully before dropping her skirt and stared provocatively into the mirror. "Is that what you wanted?"

"Step up and put your hands out as you come into the next room."

The lights went out as the panel closed over the mirror and the door opened as Alison sat in the chair removing her shoes.

"It's so dark in here!" Alison gasped as she grasped his hand.

"You're okay," said Billy as he took her hands in his. "Do you like the music, do you still want to dance?"

Alison breathed deep and squeezed his hands, her eyes blinking in the darkness. "I love the music, much better than country and yes, I'd love to dance with you."

They moved together.

"You're wearing a polo shirt. He had a cowboy shirt on," said Alison as she put her arms over his shoulders.

He had his arms around her back as they moved to the music, their bodies not quite touching, "I like the perfume you have on. It's nice."

Billy waited for her to move toward him as he moved his hands up and down her back from her waist to her shoulders. She cautiously explored his shoulders and neck with her hands.

"You're only a few inches taller than I am," she said.

He moved his hands from her back to her shoulders and up to her face, a hand on each side and placed his lips on her forehead, then gently kissed her face.

She moved her hands to his head, "I wish I could see you."

Billy moved his hands down, low on her back and pulled her towards him. She moved her hands down from his head and put her arms around his back pulling him to her. They came together and pressed against each other and a sigh escaped from Alison's lips. "Ahh..."

She felt his hardness and as before with Eddy pushed against him and opened her legs to accept his thigh against her. He sought her mouth and kissed her lightly several times then connected with her lips and drew breath from her.

As she answered his lips and his hands moved over her they slowly both lowered to their knees and then to the floor. His hands both massaging her breasts; her hands were under his shirt moving over his back. She opened her legs as he moved over her and pulled him to her as he lifted her skirt over her hips and pulled her panties down and off. She pulled his shirt up over his head and moved her hands to loosen his belt as he roughly pulled her blouse and brassiere over her head.

With their clothes removed, Billy moved over her and took a nipple in his mouth and slipped his hand between her legs.

"Oh, you don't have to...I want you too much...oh, please Eddy, please," she gasped.

But Billy kept touching her, he massaged between her legs as she thrust against him and put a finger into her as she tried to pull him on top of her. He kissed her deeply again as she tried to bring him over her and into her.

Finally he came up on her and into her, penetrating only slightly. She drew him to her, her legs around his hips, her arms pulling him up to her and he came fully into her.

"Oh, God, yes, love me, love me, love me, please push hard, push hard push hard." She cried out to him.

But Billy only gently moved against her, withdrawing partially then coming against her again, again and again. She gasped and cried and moaned and pleaded with him to push harder but he continued to slowly, but forcefully move against her. She began to quiet and rose to meet him as he pushed...and pushed...and pushed. She closed her eyes and breathed through her open mouth and met him as he came against her. Then she felt an urgency within her and dug her fingers into his back and cried out and moved to a rhythm different than his. He matched her movement and met her thrusts as confused sounds came from her throat. She flung her hands back and pushed with her hips and her feet again and again as he met every thrust. She screamed and rose against him and he held her as she shuddered and quivered and cried out and fell back gasping for breath.

"Oh! My God! I didn't know. Oh, Eddy, that was, I don't know, that was...Oh! Uh...What are you doing?" She gasped as

Billy moved against her harder than he had before. He put his hand in her hair and thrust into her deeply and held and moved back and thrust again as she tried to understand.

"What are you doing? Oh! Uh...Ah...Oh...I don't know...?" She moaned.

Billy buried his face in her neck and pulled her hair and crushed her breasts with his hands and then moved his hands over her body as he thrust against her again and again and again.

She sensed his passion and his urgency and dropped her hands to her sides but kept her knees up as she took him over and over. She felt a rising urge in her body and rose to meet him as he pushed her harder and harder and harder and finally with a groan and a sob he lifted her hips off the floor and came against her and cried out and fell upon her. She met him and clasped him the final time and screamed as he collapsed upon her and screamed again as she clasp her arms and legs about him and screamed again and sobbed and cried and sobbed and convulsed and cried and sobbed and could not stop.

Billy quickly moved away from her and turned to take her in his arms but she fought him and tried to move away. He put his arms around her and held her tightly. She continued to cry and sob and moan and curse and speak random words and cry and sob.

Nothing Billy could do stopped or even slowed down her crying and writhing and screaming words he couldn't understand. He moved over her again, holding her down placing his hand over her mouth. She bit his hand and screamed at him and fought him and cursed him and continued to sob and convulse uncontrollably.

Billy sat back, still on top of her, holding her arms down with his hands. He let loose of one hand and slapped her face, hard and pulled her hair hard enough to force her head back. He slapped her again, and used a loud voice.

"Alison! Stop it! Right now! Just stop it! Stop!" Billy jerked her hair one more time.

She stopped fighting and lay quiet for the moment.

"You know who I am! Who are you? How do you know me?" She panted.

"Alison," said Billy, as he took her hands and guided them to his face. "My name is not Eddy, it's Billy. I have light blue eyes, not as light as yours, and I have a small scar next to my left cheekbone from a baseball in high school. Touch my face. Look into your mind."

She put her hands to his face, "Your name is Billy? You have blue eyes? A little scar?" She ran her hands over his face and touched the blemish on his face. 

"Oh! Oh, my God. It can't be. It just can't be! Billy? Doctor Harrison? It can't be you!"

Billy took her into his arms again tenderly, gently. "Please don't cry anymore, Alison. I can't stand to hear you cry. Why are you crying now?"

"Oh. Dr. Harrison, you just don't know," she stammered. "I'm crying for me now. They're happy tears. I have wanted you to love me and hold me and touch me for so long and finally you did and I didn't even know it was you. I should have known. When I touched your face and heard your voice, part of me knew something but I wanted you so much I didn't think, I didn't realize. Oh what a fool I am!"




Billy Ch. 09



"Alison, it's my fault," Billy said quietly. "I wanted so many times to walk the short distance from your office to mine and ask you out to dinner. I watched you and looked for you every day. I know the clothes you wear and what days of the week you wear them. I knew you were going through some kind of difficulty and I wanted to help or share but, damn, I was going through my own pain. I was wallowing in my own misery and I just couldn't come to you with my pain or share yours. I am so sorry. I should have reached out."

"Oh Dr. Harrison," whispered Alison, "It's not your fault, I know what happened to you and..."

"Please, Alison, I can't talk about it, but I think you need to tell me what happened to you. Why you always seem so sad. You were hysterical a few moments ago. That is why I let you know who I am, I didn't know what else to do. You were saying all kinds of things, words I couldn't understand, but I heard you say, 'baby' several times. Did you mean a guy, a boyfriend or a child? What were you so upset about?" 

"Can you turn the lights on in here now?" Asked Alison, "I know who you are now, I want to see your face, and look into your eyes."

"Not yet, I think," he answered slowly. "It might be easier for you to talk to me in the darkness. Will you try?"

"I killed my baby," she said very softly. "I had an abortion. I shouldn't have. I didn't know when I did it that I would feel that way. Many women have abortions, even more than one and it doesn't seem to bother them. It's legal; they tell you it is your right to control your own body. But after I did it, I felt empty. I felt that I had, ah, killed a part of me, of my soul, my heart; that part of me that I didn't even know was there. 

"Oh, Dr. Harrison, how could I have been so wrong? Why do I feel so terrible about it? How can I live with what I did?" She began crying softly again.

Billy pulled her to him as she talked, sat up and found a wall and gently put her head on his chest and ran his fingers through her hair and softly caressed her face.

"Miss Jennings, Alison," said Billy, "You are an intelligent, educated woman. I think you are also a real person, an honest person, with a conscience and a mind that must deal with real things. I am not going to be kind to you with my words. 

"We don't know each other, not really, I have very strong views on many things. I tell you with no uncertainty that abortion is murder. It is the unjustified taking of a human life for no reason other than convenience." He felt her stiffen in his arms. 

"Having said that..." He pulled her back to him as she tried to move away. "Having said that, Alison, I can tell you how I arrived at my decision and how you can deal with what you did, if you want me to."

"You don't hate me?" She whispered, moving her head away from his chest and looking at him in the darkness.

He soothed her with his hands and his voice, "No, Alison, I don't hate you, I don't even think badly of you. I think you made a mistake but people make mistakes. We live our lives as best we can and sometimes we come up short of what we want. That doesn't make you bad. 

"Alison, I am going to walk you through this abortion thing. I know you will very quickly see where I am going. You are smart, you're educated, let your mind follow the reasoning and put aside the emotion and the politics. Are you with me so far? Do you want me to go on?"

Alison drew herself up and sat next to him, only slightly touching as they sat side by side, her legs drawn up, her hands in her lap.

"I understand Dr. Harrison, yes, please talk to me," she said softly.

Billy drew in several deep breaths then began, "Alison, there is no moral question, no right and wrong in the animal world. It is simply survival of the strong over the weak. That gives the best opportunity for the species to survive and continue to evolve to the next level of existence. Are you with me?"

"Yes," I understand."

"It is only man, the 'rational" animal, to whom morality, the science of right and wrong applies. We have to choose our actions, what we do and why and we have to live with it. We enjoy the benefits of a right choice and must suffer the results of a wrong choice."

"I'm following you," said Alison.

"There must be a standard, a bottom line upon which we can determine that which is right and that which is wrong. It is a moral standard; a fundamental moral acknowledgment. That basic, bedrock axiom of knowledge is, that life, human life, is the fundamental value upon which all other issues of morality rest." Billy paused.

There was silence for a moment.

Alison began slowly, "Are you saying that...are you saying that everything we do in our lives, every choice we make, is based on the fact that life, human life is the basic, ah, ultimate, ah, value? That everything we choose to do or not to do must be to protect and maintain, to nurture life?"

Billy smiled in the darkness, "Yes, Alison, that is what I mean. I knew you would see it quickly. Politically, it is the; 'rights to life, liberty and the pursuit... each human life, the instant it becomes identifiably human, has the right to live."

"Oh! I see, I see! Oh God, Billy, why don't they teach this, why don't they help us understand? Oh, Billy, I did so awful. I didn't know. I am so sorry..."

"Who was the father?" Asked Billy.

After a moments silence, Billy asked again. "How old were you? Was in college or before?"

"I was twenty-two, a senior, my last year," she answered.

"A boyfriend?" Asked Billy, "No wait, I saw your records, you were a Lit Major, did you minor in Art?"

"Yes," answered Alison. "Why?"

"Was he a poet or a painter? Graduate instructor or full professor?" 

Alison gasped, "Oh! Am I that common? Was I really that stupid? How could you know?"

Billy spoke softly. "Alison, there are men, not only men, who hang around bus stations looking for runaway teenagers, boys and girls. You know what can happen there. At colleges and universities, you have professional Educator rats that prey upon attractive, intelligent young people of either sex. They look for smart ones, like you, who want to get more than a degree; young people who want to learn more than classroom lectures..."

"Why didn't someone warn us, me about...?"

Billy interrupted, "You were considered an adult, of age, when you went to college. You had the freedom of an adult and the..."

"Shit!" Cursed Alison as she broke in, "It was my choice to sleep with him and my choice about the abortion and I was the only one who could make those choices and I fucked up! Right? Right?"

"I don't like your language," said Billy.

"I'm sorry Dr. Harrison," gushed Alison, "I just finally, really realized that the whole goddamned thing was my fault. My not having what you called a standard of morality. My not knowing what I wanted. It was all my fault and I really feel stupid and I'm mad at myself. I can cuss at myself if I want to!"

"Yes, you can," chuckled Billy. "Are you all right now? Do you feel better?"

"I'm okay, I think. Billy? Dr. Harrison?"

"Please call me Billy, Alison." 

"Okay. Billy...what you did, ah, what happened when we were making love, what I felt, what, ah, happened...I had a climax, ah, an orgasm, not one, but two. The second one, when you, ah, well, you did too I think...my whole life flashed through my mind. I saw and felt everything I had ever done about sex with guys and with the professor and I knew. I knew for sure that it had all been wrong, that I didn't understand anything about what I had done or what I had felt and my whole life just came apart. I'm sorry that I was so out of control, but I just lost it, I was out of control. I was angry and mad and frightened and sad and I felt myself just flying away in all directions..."

"It's all right, Alison," Billy felt he had to re-assure her.

"Billy, I never had anyone love me like you did tonight. I did it the first time when I was sixteen, on a blanket under a tree on the fourth of July. It hurt, not that much, but it hurt and it wasn't good for me and I felt used afterwards. 

"There was only a couple more times in high school that just kind of happened. Then I met a guy on summer vacation before I went to college but we were either stoned or drunk all the time. It was just a week long party and I don't even remember his name. 

"In college it was the same way but I was busy all the time. I carried a full load and I had to study a lot. I got good grades but I would go out once in a while and sometimes it would happen but it was furtive and quick and I guess just a release...


"Richard, he was a writer, complimented my work in his class and after a while got around to asking me if I would like to read some of his writing. Of course I said yes and we got together at a little coffee house and talked a lot and I read some of his stuff, then he asked if I wanted to move in with him. 

"I was dumbfounded, flabbergasted. He never touched me, never kissed me, never made a pass at me and out of the blue he asked if I wanted to live with him! I didn't know what to say. But he wasn't pushy, he just said, 'think about it, I can help you in grad school if you want, save you some money. I need someone with a brain to talk to.'

"I thought it was cool. I thought I would learn ever so much more about writing and writers, I didn't have to pay rent and I just had to look after him and talk to him. I thought he really needed me to help him..."

"And...?" Said Billy.

Alison let the moments slowly pass as she gathered her thoughts.

She finally spoke, "I'm sorry. I was thinking it all through again, about what I thought then and later and what I think now. He used me. He used me in every way you can use a person; he used me. I cooked for him and I cleaned for him. I typed his papers, I made and kept his schedules, I edited his writings for typo's and mis-spellings, I did everything he asked me to do..."

"Yes," said Billy.

"His writing was awful. He was bitter and angry about everything. He was like a 1930's cafe' communist, he was a total liberal politically.

"He hated marriage and family things, he thought, 'breeder women' ought to have babies and pass them around to couples that wanted to raise children. He hated sex. He said it was an animalistic body function that had to be satisfied liking eating or drinking. He used me for that. Whenever he wanted he would just push me down and have sex and then take a shower and go back to work. 

"For a while, I didn't care. Sex had never been much of a big thing for me, so what ever he wanted, I just didn't care. He didn't like it. I didn't like it. It was just an animal thing. So what...?"

There was quiet it the dark room for a few moments.

"What changed?" Asked Billy.

"I changed," answered Alison. "I didn't see a direction. I didn't see a future. I started playing games with my birth control pills. I skipped a day, then two days, then took three at a time and then skipped more days. When I think back on it, I know what I was doing. Then, I was just playing a game. Sub-consciously I was playing Russian roulette with pregnancy. I finally lost. I told him. He told me to get my shit out of his house in the next hour. 

"He gave me an address and a time and said it was already paid for. I stood on the steps with my bags and just blinked my eyes and shivered in the cold."

"I'm sorry," said Billy.

"It's all right," said Alison with some confidence in her voice. "That was then and this is now. I think I understood what you said about values and morality. I have to, ah, 'know', not, 'feel', when I choose what to do. I think I can live with what I did, if I look on it as a mistake and, and I can continue my life. I also know I cannot make another mistake as large as that one and be a...ah, a...whole person afterwards. So, yes Dr. Harrison, I think I'm all right, I think I can go forward and live and plan for a future which I haven't been doing for a long time."

"Good," said Billy. "Put your clothes back on and get your self fixed up again."

"You want me to leave?" Gasped Alison." I thought you..."

"No," said Billy, "I want you to get dressed and prettied up so I can turn on the lights and unbutton your blouse and..."

"Oh! Alison smiled in the darkness, "Where can I..."

He took her hand and led her to a recession in the wall, "There is another door behind this one and a light will come on."

A few moments later Alison stepped back through the door into the formerly dark room. The light was dim and then brightened slightly to where it appeared to be lit by candlelight. She saw a figure across the room and moved slowly towards him.

Billy reached his right hand out, "Good evening Miss Jennings, it is a pleasure to have you here."

Alison took his hand and squeezed it gently. "Thank you Dr. Harrison. It is my pleasure to be here. I'm so glad to see you." She smiled and looked into his eyes.

They stood at two arms length for a moment.

"It really is you," she smiled. "I mean, I know it was you but seeing is much better. I'm so happy!" She dropped his hand and opened her arms to him.

He took her in his arms, touching her back from her waist to her shoulders and back again to her waist holding her a few inches away from him.

She raised her hands to his face and touched him with her fingers. "Dr. Harrison, I have dreamed of this moment, yearned for this moment, fantasized and hoped for this moment when I could hold you in my arms and look into your eyes."

His eyes were warm and friendly as he looked at her in his arms, "Miss Jennings, the countless, truly uncountable times that I have imagined holding you in my arms, looking into your eyes and waiting for the chemistry between us to work, or not work, has finally come down to this moment. We are not strangers any more," he smiled. "But we are in a way, meeting for the first time in a very unusual circumstance."

She backed away from him a few steps and looked down, then up at him, smiling, "You talk like a professor, Dr. Harrison. You are also a man and I am woman. Explain to me in very precise terms exactly what this meant to you and why you asked..." 

Alison took the sides of her skirt in both hands and as before, displayed herself teasingly to him. The difference this time was that her newly purchased pink underwear was still on the floor.

She smiled and gasped and grunted as he swept her into his arms and bore her roughly to the floor. He had one hand in her hair pulling her down, the other hand loosening his pants, his face in her neck. She clung to him as he touched her and kissed her and caressed her and finally penetrated. She rose to him and buried her face in his neck as he moved against her and she accepted his loving and clasped him to her when he finally lay quiet on her breasts.

After a few moments Billy spoke, "I wanted to see you without your clothes and touch you and watch your face as I loved you and..."

"I wanted to see you, Doctor, absolutely naked, without your degree, only the man and all I did was close my eyes and let you love me." 

"Do you have to get home soon?" he asked.

"No, I have no plans at all."



Billy Ch. 10



Dr. Harrison parked his four year old, light blue station wagon back in the spot reserved for the Athletic Director of the school. He left the car unlocked as he always did and walked slowly toward the side entrance. 

He was returning from a meeting of officials from several near-by institutions, confirming game schedules and rules changes for the next school year. He checked his watch as he climbed the short set of steps, ‘Almost three already,’ he noted, ‘not much left of the day.’

He smiled at the secretary and stopped as she waved a yellow ‘sticky’ at him. “Our mystery girl called again,” She smiled and fluttered her eyelids at him.”

He shook his head and frowned at her, “I guess I can’t keep any secrets from you. Anything else I need to know?”

“Miss Jennings asked where you were, nothing in particular, no other messages.”

“Okay, thank you.” Billy glanced toward Alison’s office and saw that it was empty. He walked slowly down the short hallway and went into his own office and settled into the chair behind his desk.

‘Dinner tonight, eight o’clock, call me early if you can’t make it, I am planning something special! Call me anyway! Love, ‘Becca.’ Billy read the yellow sticky and tilted his head, thinking. He picked up the telephone and then put it down again, still thinking.

He did, finally, make the call. He worked until six-thirty, long after everyone but the janitor had left. He drove home slowly and parked on the street in front of his house. Billy paused and looked at the pictures on the mantle and then showered and changed his clothes.

He drove down the residential tree-lined street, and turned into the driveway of the modest duplex apartment. He smiled at the toy soldiers and the little red wagon that was filled with action figures and clumps of grass.

Dr. Harrison stood up and stretched and then leaned back into the car and picked up the bouquet of flowers and the bottle of wine. He closed the door and walked up the sidewalk and rang the bell. The door opened immediately.

Billy was astonished. A lovely young woman, her hair done up on top of her head with tendrils strategically placed, smiled at him. Her eyes sparkled. His quick glance took in the low cut, ‘basic black’, cocktail dress, a silver necklace, the high heels, the bare arms and the lift of a leg showing a thigh beneath the severed dress.

“Um, sorry, ma’am, I must have the wrong address.”

She bubbled forth laughter, “Billy Harrison, you silly goose, quit pretending you don’t know me! Come on in, dinner is almost ready!”

“Rebecca? Is that really you?

She took the flowers from his hand and then grasped the empty hand and pulled him inside, “You know it’s me! I just wanted to dress up for you. Do you like it? Do I look okay?”

Billy followed her into the apartment, “You look wonderful! I wasn’t really pretending, I have never seen you like this. You are lovely, all grown up!”

“You brought wine! Great! I have some too, but I don’t know what the best ones are. Thank you!”

Billy smiled and nodded and looked around the room. It was tidy, as always, but different. He could smell not just food cooking, but a scent, jasmine, lavender? He saw the dining table, graced with flowers and candles and cloth napkins and china and silverware, laid out for two.

“Where is the boy? I brought a little gift for him,” Billy said as he reached into his coat pocket.

“More toy soldiers? Billy! Ah, well, boys will be boys and I think you are just a little boy in a grown up body. Thank you. He will love them. He likes everything you bring him. He is at my mom’s for a few days, I hope you don’t mind, I know you like to be around him.”

“He is a great kid, I like him a lot,” said Billy

“Would you open the wine, please?”

Billy smiled at her, “Of course, you, ah, you seem different tonight.”

“You know that Holly and I met, and talked, of course you do, you set it up.”

Billy turned to face her, “Yes, I arranged the meeting and I assumed you talked, but I did not know for sure. Did it, ah, did it go well?”

“You don’t know? No, I guess you wouldn’t. I heard she left town, she didn’t talk to you before she left?”

“No, I have not talked with her since…ah, well, since I talked with her the last time.”

Rebecca blushed slightly, “Ah, okay. It went well, we talked. She has a lot to think about, I think she doesn’t blame herself anymore for what happened to me. She will be okay.”

Billy was uneasy, “Good, I think she will too.”

“Would you pour, please? You can handle the aperitif.”

Billy smiled as she left the dining room and went into the kitchen, ‘Aperitif? What happened to the McDonalds and Burger King kid?’

Billy poured the white wine and lit the candles as Rebecca came back into the room with two brimming shrimp cocktails in crystal serving cups. She took a quick bite and then stood up and rushed away, dimmed the lights and returned with a wicker basket of tiny bread sticks. She took another bite of shrimp and a quick sip of wine and looked into his eyes.

“Is everything okay? How do you like your steak? Do you like lobster?”

Billy smiled and took her glance, “Everything is marvelous, Becky, lobster is good; I like my steak rare. Relax, please, you have totally surprised me. Every thing is wonderful, you did great!”

She blushed lightly but still looked harried, “Rare steak, rare steak, how do I fix that? I like my steak well done! Oh…”

“Can I help?” Asked Billy.

“Oh, would you? Yes, please, I can fix mine, and the lobster is ready, but the rare steak? I don’t have a clue.”

Billy smiled as he followed her into the kitchen and then smiled again as he saw she had cooked and cleaned at the same time, something most never did.

He talked as he cooked, “Medium high heat, a little cooking oil or butter. Wait until the pan is hot and the oil is crackling; Salt, pepper, and little garlic if you like on one side, pop it in the skillet, if you like steak sauce, a little dab of that, a minute and a little more, then turn it over, spice that side, a minute only and just about done. You picked a fillet, an excellent cut of meat. Voila, rare steak!”

Rebecca looked and then took a knife and cut into the middle, “Yuck! It is still blood red in there!”

Billy smiled, “Thas the way I like it, you can have a bite, but only one.”

“No way!” She laughed, “Raw meat is not to my taste!”

Rebecca managed the dinner, which included asparagus tips in cheese sauce, curried rice, a French onion soup and a dessert of cheesecake and orange sherbet. She managed it well.

“That was magnificent, Rebecca, I am totally impressed, everything was excellent. It is the best meal and the best company I have had in years. Thank you!” Billy sat back in the chair and rested his hands on his stomach and sighed. “Wonderful.”

Rebecca smiled and nodded her head slightly, “Would you care for an after dinner liqueur and perhaps a good smoke?” She rose quickly and scurried to a cabinet and came back with two cut glass glasses and a square bottle. “Would you, please?”

She went back to the cabinet, opened a drawer, took out a long cigar, unwrapped it, cut the tip and flicked a lighter at the end. She drew in the smoke several times and then handed it to him.

Billy sat amazed as he watched her flutter about the room. He poured the Brandy and took the cigar she handed him and took a long pull, taking it deep into his lungs and exhaling slowly.

“You did the whole thing, girl. Everything, beginning to end, was absolutely perfect. How did you learn all that? Tell me.”

She blushed again, just a slight color, and bowed to him. “I wanted it to be perfect for you, Dr. Harrison. I owe you so much, I wanted to say thank you without saying the words. Was everything really okay? You are not just saying it to make me feel good?”

“Everything was perfect, Rebecca, perfect. But, I know it was an expensive dinner for you to fix, you didn’t have to do all that.”

“I was so nervous, I was afraid it would be a flop. You really liked it?”

Billy stood and moved to the side of her chair and reached for her hand. She took his hand and rose before him. He put a hand gently on the top of her head and the other behind her back and pulled her to him. “Every thing was perfect, it could not have been any better. Thank you, it was the best dinner I can ever remember and I mean that.”

“Oh, thank you Billy, thank you so much. I wanted it to be just right.”

“Shall I help you clear the table?”

She smiled, “No, I will do that later, would you excuse me for a moment?”

He nodded, “Of course.”

Billy took another sip and toyed with the cigar and then stood and pushed his chair back under the table. He walked across the room and glanced at her bookcase and the photographs scattered on the shelves. He smiled at the pictures of her and her son, at about three years old. He noticed several photo’s of himself that she had taken over the years, and framed pictures of her parents.

He saw her purse on the coffee table next to the sofa and reached into his pants pocket and then inside his sports coat. He took one and then another hundred dollar bill from his wallet and slipped them into her purse.

He looked out a window onto the street where the long shadows of an early summer evening stretched across the lawns and driveways. He stretched again; ‘that was a really good dinner’, he smiled to himself. He turned and looked at the doorway she had gone out through. 

The soft instrumental music he had noticed when he first arrived had stopped playing. He punched a button on the CD machine and the music filled the room again.

He frowned slightly and was about to go through the door into the kitchen when the door swung open and Rebecca stepped through it. Billy’s eyes opened wide.

“I am stunned, speechless!” He said, “You are lovely.”

She had let her hair down and brushed it until it was shining with health and body. A shimmering light blue robe hung gracefully from her shoulders and displayed a satin white nightgown that barely covered her breasts and gathered in ripples and folds across her stomach and thighs.

She smiled at his expression and his stare at her, “Do you like it? I got them just for you.”

“Rebecca?” He stammered, “You…you look lovely. You have, ah, surprised me again. I don’t know what to say.”

She flushed and smiled again and lowered her eyes, “Your look says it all. Dr. Harrison, I think you are blushing. Are you?”

Billy raised a hand to his cheek, “Ah, well, I don’t know, maybe, am I?”

She raised her eyes, hesitated and then reached for his hand and pulled him along after her, through the door and the kitchen and to the door of her bedroom.

“Rebecca, you should not be doing this, please.”

“Look,’ she said with determination. “I am nervous enough all ready.” She put an index finger across his lips, “Just be still a moment.” She told hold of the lapels of his jacket and pulled it back over his shoulders and down his arms.

“Rebecca…”

“Shhh, hush…” She fumbled with his tie and began unbuttoning his shirt. She put her hands on his chest and gently pushed until he sat back on the bed and then dropped to her knees and began removing his shoes.

Billy put his hands on her shoulders and squeezed, “Becky, look at me, talk to me. Why are you doing this?”

She finished taking his shoes and socks off and then stood and turned and sat next to him on the bed.

“Dear sweet Billy, you saved my life. You gave me a future and hope and I will forever be grateful to you. I know I can never tell you enough or ever repay what you have done for me. I have no right to ask you for anything else, I know that.”

Her breath came fast as she sat with her hands folded in her lap, “I have really been messed up in my head and I know it. I am getting better all the time but my life will never be the same as it was before.”

She raised her head and turned and looked into his eyes, “Billy, after Holly and I talked, everything that happened since that awful night came flashing back through my mind. There are a lot of things I haven’t told you about, haven’t told anyone about. Things I haven’t really faced up to.

“This past couple of weeks I have thought about a lot of things and I need to talk about it. I have to talk about it. You are the best person I have ever known. You are more than a father to me, you are everything a man could and should be. You have given me your time, your concern and the money you have spent looking after me, I can’t begin to imagine how much it adds up to, a lot, an awful lot…”

“Rebecca, you…”

She raised her finger to his lips again, “Please, Billy, let me say it, please?”

Billy looked into her eyes and then took her hand from his face and brought it back to his lips, “You have done so well, Becky, with everything.”

Her eyes filled and she blinked and turned her head away, “I know, Billy…on most things maybe, but I wasn’t ready to have a baby, to be a mother, I had no idea…”

He put an arm around her shoulders and drew her close until her head was resting on his upper arm. “You have done a wonderful job with little Billy and you know it.”

She smiled and reached for his hand and squeezed it, “Thank you, my mom helps a lot; she thinks he is doing well too. I am glad about that. But, Billy, he needs a dad, he needs a regular man in his life.”

Billy squeezed her hand and her shoulders, “That will happen, Becky, that will happen. You are lovely and young and you will be in college in the fall. There will be a young man just right for you and that’s a guarantee.”

She turned away and a forlorn little sound came from her throat and her shoulder fell under his touch. “Billy, I can’t even find a guy to go out with. It is so terrible for me. They all know I have a baby, they all know I have had sex before. That’s all they want from me, my body and I feel so horrible about my body, my sex. I am so empty inside.”

She sat up quickly and brushed the tears away from her cheeks, “Billy, the few guys I have talked to that I liked even a little, they seem to think that since I’ve had sex then I need sex. They mostly don’t even try to hide it. ‘Well, when you need a little good ole lovin’ give me a call.’ One of them actually said that to me.”

She turned and looked into his eyes again, “Billy, you never treated me that way and I never thought about you in a sexual way, never. I have always trusted you with my soul, with all of me and you never let me down, never tried to take advantage of me. You never looked at me like I had been used and was no good anymore.

“The only time I really feel human and clean, is when I am around you. I love my folks, but they know. They know I was raped and used and they feel sorry for me and pity me. I am not the clean, ‘virgin’ little girl anymore. I can see it in their eyes, especially my dad’s. The girls I go to school with, even in the private school, they all want to know, ‘what it was like’ and do I like having sex. And the ones that fool around anyway, look at me like I am one of them and I’m not! I’m not like them!”

Billy put both arms around her and pulled her to him and rocked her gently back and forth as she cried softly on his chest.

“Billy?”

“Yes, Becky?”

“I called Holly’s sister and I talked to Julie. Molly said she didn’t think she should talk about it, but Julie, ah, Julie told me what happened to her. She didn’t say it right out and neither did Holly when we talked but…um, you helped them, you, ah, you made love to both of them, didn’t you?”

Billy sighed deeply and took his arms from around her, “Julie is quite special to me, Rebecca; she was hurt very badly. I would have done anything to help her. And you know what Holly went through.”

Rebecca sat up quickly and turned to him and raised his chin with her hand, “Oh, God, Billy, I didn’t mean to hurt you. Oh, I was afraid of this. Look into my eyes! I love you! I would not cause you pain for any reason; you have to know that! Please tell me you know that.”

Billy smiled into her eyes, “I know that, Becky, I know. I also knew the moment I saw you tonight that you had talked to Holly. I also knew, no, I had an idea that there was more.”

He took both her hands in his, “I did not know, you didn’t tell me before about not getting along with boys. The last year or so you have seemed fine. I just assumed you were dating and having a good time, like a normal girl your age. I guess I was wrong.”

“Billy, I couldn’t even think about going out with anyone until this year. I went out with one guy, in his car, he put his hand on my leg. I freaked out; I shuddered, I almost threw up. The last thing I am is normal, I wish to God I were.”

He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead, “I’m going to use the bathroom.” He drew back and looked into her eyes, “Why don’t you get under the covers, I’ll be back in a moment.”

Becky’s eyes opened wide and she took a deep breath as he left the room.

“Have you looked at a naked man before?”

Rebecca looked up from the pillow as he came back into the room. She blushed, “You paid for my cable TV, remember?”

Billy chuckled, “Okay, then I don’t have to hide under the covers to undress?”

She stared as he slowly removed his slacks and hung them over the back of a chair. She looked away and then back again as he stepped out of his boxers and stood before her. Her eyes were wide and her mouth was open. “Oh.”

She pulled the blanket and sheet aside for him as he lay down beside her. “Oh, my, your body feels hot to me.”

“Is that good?” Billy turned on an elbow and looked at her face. “Ah, Becky, I can’t make a baby, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

She blinked her eyes rapidly, “Oh, you can’t? Why not? I mean, uh, sorry, yes, I did think about that.”

“You are trembling, ‘Becca, are you all right? We don’t have to do this.”

“I, ah, I’m okay. But I can’t catch my breath.”

“Let’s just lay here for a moment.”

“Okay, Billy, I do love you.”

“You seemed so very young and fragile when I first saw you in the hospital. We have known each other for a long time.”

She turned on her side so that they were touching more than before, “Yes, we have. I am not afraid, I trust you, but, Billy, if I can’t let you do it, you won’t be mad at me?”

He slipped his arm under her shoulders and leaned over and placed another light kiss on her forehead. “I love you too, Rebecca, I would never hurt you or make you do anything.”

She rose up on an elbow and leaned over to kiss his forehead and was surprised when he reached down and nudged her over and on top of him.

“Oh!” She gasped as she closed her legs between his and lowered her breasts to his chest. “Oh!”

He draped his arms loosely over her back with one hand in her hair. “Are you okay?”

She let her breathing slow before she answered, then she raised her head and smiled down on him, “You surprised me.”

He smiled up at her, “Well, you can surprise me, put one of those lovely nipples up here on my lips, I would like some more dessert.”

“Billy! This is not supposed to be funny, you’re teasing me!”

He ran his hands over her back and down as she slowly moved up until a breast was against his face. “Oh, God, Billy, I’m shaking all over!”

She gasped as he pulled hard on the nipple and then put both hands in her hair and pulled her face to his. They experimented with light and gentle kisses until she moaned and kissed him hard and felt his thigh come up between her legs. “Oh, God, Billy, Oh, God!”

She buried her face in his neck as he lifted his leg against her and ran both hands down over her hips and pulled her against him. She began anticipating his leg moving against her and cautiously responded to him. After a few moments she was riding his leg, she cried out and grabbed his shoulders with her hands and bore down on him and moaned and then let her body relax on him.




Billy Ch. 10



She whispered breathlessly, “That felt so good, so good. Hold me Billy, hold me tight.” They lay together for several minutes.

“Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy, I am not afraid. I know, I said that before. But now I mean it. I was afraid of what would happen when you got on top of me and pushed my legs apart and I felt you coming inside me, I was so afraid I would freak out and scream. But, now, now I want you to do that, I want to feel you on top of me and inside me. Oh, it is such a relief to say that, to think that, to feel that. Oh, God, Billy, you just can’t know how I feel!”

He stroked and caressed her as far as he could reach as she talked and then hugged his arms tight around her back as she lay on top of him. “Ah, dear Becky, it was wonderful to feel you respond to me, to know that you were finding pleasure and that you were not holding back, not afraid.”

She rolled off to the side and lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling, “Billy, they really hurt me, God, I have to say this. They were both inside me at the same time, from the front and the back. There was a hand over my mouth, I couldn’t scream, I almost couldn’t breathe. And they were rough, really slamming against me, it hurt so bad inside, I thought I would die. I couldn’t tell that to anyone, even the shrinks, I just couldn’t.”

Billy sought out her hand with his and held it gently, “You needed to get it out.”

“Thank you, dear Billy, you’re not ashamed of me for saying it, knowing what they did to me?”

“No, Rebecca, I am not ashamed of you, I have never been and no one else should be either. You did nothing wrong except hold it inside for so long. I wish I had known before now.”

“There was no way I could tell you until Julie told me what they did to her. Then I knew I had to say it out loud. Come into my arms; let me hold you, Billy. I love you so much.”

He slowly turned and let his chest rest on her breasts. She reached and scooted towards him until he was between her legs. She lifted her knees and closed her arms and legs around his body. “Oh, Billy, oh, Billy, oh, Billy.” She cried and sobbed as she clung to him.

After several moments she whispered in his ear, “Billy, don’t you want me, don’t you want to…”

“You were crying, Becky.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I felt you on top of me and I felt the fear inside me. But I wanted my arms around you; I wanted you as close as I could get you. And I suddenly realized I really did want you, all of you and when I knew that, I was both happy and sad. It is hard to explain.”

Billy rose up slightly and lowered his head to a breast and began touching her with both hands. She sighed and placed a hand on his head and one on his back. She made a small sound when his hand went between her legs and more sounds as he explored her and touched and rubbed and slipped a finger inside.

“Oh, yes, please, Billy.”

“Take me in your hand, guide me,” he whispered.

She gasped softly as she lowered her hand and found him. She lifted and turned a knee and moved her hips as she slowly guided him into her, a little at a time.

“Oh, my God, Billy.”

“Are you okay?”

“Oh, yes, yes.”

“Sure?”

“Love me, Billy, love me hard.”

She made a sound and her chin went up as he came up against her. She made a whimpering sound as he withdrew and entered again only slightly and then left her and did it again and again until she insisted with her hands and her hips.

She lifted both knees high alongside him as he began a steady, deep and regular penetration. She felt the breath being pushed out of her as he came up hard against her and a low-pitched continual sound came from her throat.

Suddenly there was no control and no holding back from either. In a frenzied rush toward completion he lunged into her and she met him until they both cried out and collapsed.

“Don’t leave me, stay there,” she whispered as he shifted his weight.

“Billy,” she said a few moments later, “Is it possible you felt as much as I did? I mean, really?

“Oh, yes, Becky, I think so.”

“So I finally know what making love is all about. Billy, is it always, uh, ah, is it always that intense, that frantic, that hot?”

“It is different every time, sweet Rebecca, but you have to find the right person I think.”

“Did you ever find the right person?”

“Yes, Rebecca I did, but I can’t tell you about it. I loved her with all my heart. You will find someone to love that way.”

“Oh, God, Billy, I hope you are right.”



Billy Ch. 11



Chapter 11 Graduation….

 There was both excitement and sadness that swirled around and permeated as one thing ended and another began.

Julie Ann McGregor in cap and gown looked out at the crowded auditorium and finished her remarks with tears in her eyes. Parents, teachers and students alike were moved by her words. It was silent for a moment after she said the final sentence and then the caps were thrown and the applause rolled forth.

Maria had flown back and received her diploma; Cindy and her husband Tim were there. Becky and her son were in the front row along with Kathleen. They all gathered around Julie as she came down from the stage. Only Molly’s sister, Holly, was absent from the ceremony. Julie didn’t know, but Billy was there with tears on his cheeks. Alison sat two rows behind, glancing at him again and again.

The girls, who privately referred to themselves as, ‘Billy’s Girls’, all went to Julie’s home to change clothes and spend the rest of the day together. It was a strange but happy gathering and only out of the hearing of others did the name, Billy, ever get mentioned.

The ‘Girls’, not including Alison, all went together to a fancy restaurant and laughed and giggled and gossiped through dinner. The sadness set in as they stood outside and prepared to go their separate ways.

There were vacations and trips and many things to do as the days and weeks hurried by. Billy cleared out his office and went home. He stood alone in the small room in the basement and let the thoughts run through his mind.

Julie and Molly sometimes went together and at other times alternated waiting before the pay phone at four in the afternoon. When a full month had passed and the phone did not ring, they smiled sadly at each other and did not continue the daily vigil.

 “Yes, this is Julie McGregor.” She listened with the phone to her ear, “But I haven’t ordered anything from your shop, I’m sure of it.”

The, ‘shop’, was an upscale women’s clothing store in the shopping mall. Julie took the monogrammed carry sack from the clerk with a question on her face.

“There’s a card inside, Miss,” said the lady behind the counter.

Julie’s heart almost stopped as she looked at the card.

She knocked on the dark glass separating her from the front seat in the old fashioned car. “Billy? Is that you driving? Can you at least say hello? Can you hear me?”

There was no answer. As before, she put the blindfold on, heard the car door open and felt a strong large hand take hers and lead her up three steps and through a door and then silence.

She took the wrap from around her head at looked at the same small room she had seen before. She smiled and blushed, “I didn’t think you were ever going to call again. I am glad you did. I like the dress. It’s kinda old fashioned, but I like it, and I haven’t worn my hair in a pony-tail for years, why did you want me to?”

“Hi, Julie, you look nice, glad to see you again.”

“Well, hi, Billy, I wish I could see you, just once.”

A chuckle came over the speakers near the mirror, “Let the mystery continue, you might not like how I look.”

“Oh, I would like you, I know that. I was really surprised about the dress. I didn’t think I would hear from you again.”

“The size was right?”

“Perfect! How did you know?”

“I have spies out there.”

“Yeah, sure. Billy, you really did surprise me. Not just the dress, but that you, uh, you wanted me to come here again. It has been so long, almost a month. I thought you had forgotten about me.”

“Turn around and smile, Julie, I want to see you wearing that dress.”

She blushed and pirouetted for him, “Like what you see?” She teased.

There was a pause before he spoke again, “Yes, I like it very much. Julie, how are things going for you? You looked great at the Graduation, how is everything else?”

“You saw the Graduation? Everything else? What do you mean?”

“Your boyfriend. You were upset before.”

“Yeah, I know. Billy, I have a life ahead of me, I know that. It has changed. I don’t know where it is going, but I am not sad or worried about it.”

“And, the things that have happened to you?”

Julie sat down and leaned back in the chair, “Over and done with, thanks to you and Maria and Molly and, well, everything. Billy, this has been the worst and the best time in my whole life.”

“Are you dating?”

“I’ve been asked.”

“Good.”

“Billy?”

“Yes, Julie.”

“Why am I here?”

There was a noticeable pause before Billy spoke, “I wanted to know that you were all right.”

“That’s all? You don’t’ want me to come in there?”

“Do you want to come in here?”

Julie did not blush; she opened her eyes wide and looked into the mirror in front of her. “Billy, Sir, I am confused. You are the only man to ever make love to me. I, uh, ah, I like being with you. I don’t really understand that. I always thought making love was for people who loved each other and who were married. But every time I think I think about being alone with you, I get excited inside. I don’t even know you, and we are sure not married. I don’t know how I am supposed to feel.”

“I understand, Julie. I am very happy that you are dealing with everything as well as you are.”

“We could have said all this on the telephone.”

“Yes, we could have.”

“Billy, why the dress?

“Julie, do you want to come in here?”

“Will you make love to me?”

There was no answer; the speakers remained silent.

“Billy?”

“If you come in here, we won’t talk.”

Julie moved her head slowly from side to side, “We won’t talk?”

Again, the speakers remained silent.

Julie hesitated for a moment and then said a single word, “Yes.” The room went dark and the door hissed open.

She held her hand out, in the darkness, as before. She felt his hand on hers and closed her fingers around it.

Julie felt the incredible tenderness as he raised her hand to his mouth and kissed each finger. She closed her eyes as he ran his hands over her body and kissed his way up her arm to her neck and to her face.

She said not a word as he slowly and methodically removed her clothes and touched and kissed as he moved from her face to her breasts and to her abdomen.

She could not stop the sounds from her throat as he moved his mouth down her thighs and back up again. She cried out when he put his face between her legs and worked his hands on her breasts.

She did not want to move, but did, as he put his hands behind her knees and lifted them up.

She did not want to make a sound as he put his face in her neck and then kissed her face over and over again, but she did.

She did not want to rise to him as he came into her, slowly, little by little until she took him fully, but she did.

She did not resist or respond as he moved against her, gently but firmly, and then she did.

She went to another place in her mind, in her universe, as her body and his sought and found. She cried and clung to him.   Not a word was spoken. 



Billy Ch. 12



Chapter 12 "Who's that knockin' at the door, who's that ringin' the bell?"

Had someone been watching, they would have seen only the outline of a medium height person dressed in a full-length gray raincoat and a floppy yellow raingear hat that also covered the upper half of the face.

The figure looked furtively around and quickly slipped up the steps of the house and leaned away from the light of the porch fixture. An arm came up and the knock of knuckles on wood might have been heard on the sidewalk, but probably not.

The door did not open immediately and the figure knocked again, longer and louder and a finger pressed a white spongy oval. Light streamed out of the house as the door finally opened and the figure slipped quickly inside.

"Alison? Billy laughed, "Is that you? You look like a ghost!" "I didn't want anybody to recognize me. You don't mind that I came to your house? I should have called I know, but..."

Billy reached for her, "Here, let me take your coat. I am happy to see you. I'm glad you came. It is good to have company; it has been a long time since anyone visited."

She shrugged out of the raincoat and took the rain cap off, shaking her hair loose and fussing it with her fingers. "I look a mess. I wanted to see you. I was just sitting home alone and thinking about everything and I had the urge to see you again. I hope you don't mind. I don't think anyone saw me."

Billy smiled at her, "I don't really care if they did, but your reputation might take a hit, fraternizing and all that."

"I won't worry about that; we're both adults and single, but I don't want to have people talking behind your back. I respect you too much for that."

"I don't think I have ever seen you in jeans before. Are you hungry, would you like something to drink?" Billy led her to a couch and settled into a recliner that he swiveled around towards her.

She pulled her legs up alongside her and leaned back on the couch, "Yes, to both, I would like something to snack on and a good stiff drink. May I look in your kitchen and fix us both something?"

Billy grinned, "I would like that. I have lived alone since, ah, for a long time. A woman in the kitchen would be a welcome sight. I was just watching a news channel, would you like something else to watch?"

"I would prefer just some music, like you played for me before, in that little room. Billy? Could I see that room? Is it here? I wondered about that. You were so secretive about where I was being taken when we met."

"It's here, in the basement. Yes, sure, you can see it. It doesn't look like much in bright light, but it served a purpose."

"A purpose? Can you tell me?"

"It might do me some good to talk about it. Yes, I think so, but let's eat something first and have a drink or two. Can you stay the night or must you get back?"

"I would love to stay, if it is all right with you."

Billy blushed lightly, "It is what I hoped you would say. Alison, I have been wanting to ask you to come over, but the moment just didn't arrive."

She lowered her eyes, "Billy, thank you for not making me feel stupid about showing up. I wanted to call you the day after I was in that little room but I forced myself not to. I had a lot to sort out and I didn't want to be a burden."

Billy stood and reached out a hand, "You are not and never have been a burden. You are the bright spot in my day at the office. I am only sorry it took so long for us to know each other."

She smiled and took his hand and let him pull her up from the couch and into his arms. They embraced and kissed, lightly and then more seriously. "Oh, my! If I don't get to the kitchen right now, I won't get there for a while," she said breathlessly.


"I don't mind," he said as he nibbled her ear.

She pulled away from him with a mischievous smile, "We have all night, feed me first! Lead me to your kitchen."

Billy chuckled and pulled her by the hand into the kitchen. She had him sit at the table as she rummaged through shelves and cupboards and then the refrigerator.

"You have a well kept and stocked kitchen, for a man," she grinned. "I see salami and Kielbasa, a block of aged sharp cheddar, lettuce and tomato. Cold cuts sound okay to you?"

"There is some rye bread in the breadbox and a red wine that is best at room temperature in the cupboard over the fridge."

"Perfect!" She smiled and busied herself putting it all together.

They ate silently for a few minutes, Alison sipped from a wine glass and then dabbed her lips with a napkin, "So, this mystery room in the basement, how did that happen?"

Billy nodded his head several times, "Yes, yes, it would be good for me to share with you," he paused, "Julie would not let anyone help her; you mentioned that you tried. I also tried everything I knew how to get help for her. Nothing was working. It really upset me.

"Then, one night, sitting in the front room, I had the idea, 'sensory deprivation'. I remembered an old science fiction film about someone being suspended in body temperature water, weightless and in the dark. It was a crazy idea, but over the next few days it started to make sense. I felt responsible; I had to do something."

"Responsible? Why? I don't understand." Alison stared at him.

Billy smiled sadly, and stood, reaching a hand for her. "Come with me."

He led her back into the front room, to a mantle over a fireplace. He took a framed photograph and handed it to her.

"She's very pretty, who is she?" Alison asked.

"Was," Billy said softly, "My wife, Amy, she died before you came to the school."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I heard, but I don't know anything about it."

"On an icy road, coming back from a girl's volleyball game in another town. I had a boy's game I had to be at, she was covering for me. She didn't suffer."

"Oh, Billy..."

"Look at the picture again, better yet, let me show you something else."

He went to a bookshelf and took a large thin book and opened it and thumbed through the pages. "This was Amy in high school."

Alison took the book and stared at the picture, "Oh my God. It's Julie, so close I can't tell the difference!" Oh, Billy..."

Billy turned away and his voice was strained, "Yes, at nearly the same time Amy died, I was watching the new freshman girls try out for cheer leading. I think my heart stopped when I saw her. I could not keep my eyes off her. I kept track of her all through school, she is a lovely girl and I could not bear what happened to her. I had to try to help."

"Does Julie know?"

"No."

"Oh. Billy, I don't know what to say."

"There is nothing to say, Alison, I just wanted you to know why I had to try to help Julie."

"Can I see the room now? You built it just for her, to help her?"

"Yes, it was the only way I thought I could get through to her."

"It seems so cold, so small, so lifeless. When I came in here it seemed huge, unending, like I was in outer space. Billy, you may have something here; something that can help many others, the dark, the silence, and the isolation. When I came into the room, I felt I was in another world; a place where I could say things that I could never say before."

"You understand," said Billy.

"I can't believe you took such a risk. It could have ruined you."

"Yes, I knew that."

"It is hard for me to understand, you risked everything."

Billy smiled and took the book from her, "There is more that you won't understand, but I ask you to trust me. Will you?"

Alison looked into his eyes, "Trust you? Of course. For anything. What is it?"

Billy moved to his desk, opened a drawer and took a large manila envelope out and handed it to her. "You must promise not to open this until...well, you will know when. I can't tell you any more. It is important to me, and I need you to trust me. Can you do it?"

"Billy, I have no idea what you are talking about. I don't understand."

"I know, and I am sorry to lay this on you. You can say no, I will understand."

"I won't say no. But I wish you would tell me more."

"I can't"

"Okay."

They looked into each other's eyes, "I can't have us together in my bedroom."

Alison frowned at his words, "Your wife."

"Yes."

"I understand." She held his eyes, "Billy, I don't like this. There is something more I don't know, what is it?"

"Yes, Alison, there is more. But it is not certain and I don't want to tell you. Can you accept that? I am sorry."

"Do you have any thing stronger than wine?" She smiled.

"Vodka or Gin?"

"Vodka."

"Okay, strait or a twist and a cube?"

"A cube."

"Okay, just take a minute."

He saw her clothes in a jumble in front of the couch; she had some how found a blanket and was under it, smiling at him as he returned with drinks in hand.

"Miss Jennings, I think you are my kind of girl."

"I am not a girl any more, Dr. Harrison, but because of you, I think I may be well on my way to becoming a woman, thank you."

Billy handed her the glass, and sat on the couch beside her, "You have always been a woman in my eyes, Alison, and a very lovely one at that."

She took the glass and sipped and smiled and looked at him, "I don't mind being on the couch, instead of your bed. But can it be, will it be me, and not your wife?"

Billy smiled, "It is and will be the young woman in the office next to mine that I have lusted after for years and didn't have the courage to pursue. But who will I be to you?"

Alison closed her eyes and then blinked them rapidly; "I thought I was trapping you...into saying I was a surrogate for your wife. 

"God, who are you to me? My fantasy? My hopes? My dreams? Billy, Dr. Harrison, I don't know what you are to me. I just know you set me free; you showed me about physical loving that I had no idea about. I came here for you to make love to me. I wanted you to fuck me blind, to be blunt and crude. But it is more than that; much more than that, I wanted to know if you were real. If you really were what you seemed to be. Does that make any sense at all?"

"Alison, I am what I am, whatever that may be. You came to me with questions, I tried to answer them. I do not have all the answers to all the questions. I don't want to just, 'fuck you', I want to make love to you. I want to make love to you because I like you, because I admire and respect you and because I know you understand. You try to help, as I do. I want to share all of me with you, I want to revel in it, if you understand."

"Oh, my God, Billy, you make everything so real, so down to earth, and so understandable." She sat up on the couch and pulled the blanket up to her neck. She turned her face away and did not look into his eyes. "Billy, I can't sleep with you, I can't let you make love to me."

Billy remained silent for a moment, "It's all right Alison, but I'm not sure I understand."

She still did not face him, "I'm not sure I do either. I just had the awful feeling well up inside me that it would be wrong."

"Wrong?" Billy reached for her glass and handed it to her and picked up his drink and sipped at it.

She took a small drink and raised her eyes to him, "I love you, I think, although I am not certain if it is 'love' I feel for you. But you don't love me. You are holding something back and I can feel it."

Her eyes flashed at him, "Damn you Dr. Harrison! Your goddamned morality lesson has really fucked me up!" She let the glass in her hand fall to the floor and burst into tears.

Billy leaned forward to embrace her and then stopped. He stood up slowly and went back to the recliner and sat down. He waited until she stopped crying.

"Alison..."

She sat up on the couch and turned her face toward him.

He lowered his head, "I didn't want to tell you or anyone, but I think I have to." He looked into her eyes, "I don't want you to be upset or feel sorry for me but you have to know.

"I have an inherited gene disorder, they call it a mutation of a Nieman-Pick Type C. It is passed on to the male members of my family line. No men in my family have lived past the age of thirty-five..."

"...Oh, Jesus, Billy, no, please no!"

"I'm sorry, Alison. That is why I stayed away from you before and why I cannot let myself feel what I feel, even now. It is good that you somehow felt it would be wrong for us to be together. You are a good person."

Tears were streaming down her face, "Oh, Billy, I just won't believe it. Isn't there something they can do? Special treatments, something, anything?"

He smiled, "I've tried just about everything. They are doing special research on this disorder. There is one more thing to try, it is risky and there are no guarantees. Maybe in a few years they will have something, but not yet."

"It's not fair! It's just not fair! Oh, damn, Billy, how long have you known about it? Oh, it must be terrible for you. I am so sad. Please come sit with me."

Billy stood up and left the room for a moment, returning with a long blue bathrobe. He handed it to her and turned away.

"No," she said quietly, "Don't turn away from me." She stood and let the blanket fall away and moved into his arms. "Maybe we won't make love, but I want to be near you, sleep with you if you will let me."

Billy smiled and put his arms around her, gently caressing her back, "I would like that. There is another room, sometimes I sleep in there instead of the bedroom."

Alison stepped back and raised her face and kissed him gently on the lips and then pulled the robe around her and tied the thick cord loosely at the waist. "How long have you known?"

Billy picked up the glass she had dropped, "Would you like another drink?"

"No, I don't think so. Billy, can you talk about it or would you prefer not to?"

They sat together on the couch, her head on his shoulder, her legs tucked up.

"I was fifteen. Everything was going well. I was doing great in sports, getting good grades; my whole life seemed perfect. Amy," he nodded to the picture on the mantle, "We had known each other forever, grown up together, neither one of us ever went out with anybody else.

"I think my folks were afraid that Amy and I might, ah, well, go too far. So one night they sat me down and told me about my disease. All of a sudden my perfect life wasn't so perfect anymore.

"I didn't take it very well. I was mad and hurt and angry and scared I guess. As you said, it wasn't fair. I started cutting school. I took my dad's car and drove all over the place. The cops pulled me over, they had to hold me down and put cuffs on me.

"It went from bad to worse. I got into fights with guys, friends I had known all my life. I got drunk on booze I stole from home and threw up all over some girl. I couldn't even talk to Amy. Everything went wrong and it wasn't getting any better. I got busted for possession the same day I turned sixteen. It was a real mess."

"Oh, my, Billy, you did all that? It doesn't seem like you at all, I can't even imagine you acting like that."

Billy nodded his head up and down several times, "Yeah, I was really messed up."

"Well? What happened? What made you change?"

Billy chuckled lightly, "Amy. Sweet gentle Amy, who never said a bad word, never got angry and was always super-nice to everyone. She was waiting for me at my house. I didn't want to talk to her; I just walked away. She started screaming at me and followed me into the house and right there in front of my parents she began slapping me and calling me names I would have sworn she had never heard before.

"It was kind of funny at first, I was getting beaten up by a girl. Then she kicked me and it really hurt. I went down on my knees and she kicked me again and was hitting me and pulling my hair.

"I broke down, I guess and started crying. Not from her hitting me, but I was just bawling my eyes out. She quit hitting me and turned to my parents and asked them what was going on.

"They told her. She sat down hard on the floor and looked at me and then she looked at my dad and asked the question I should have asked."

"Oh, Billy, I didn't even think about that, did he, was he...?"

Pain showed on Billy's face, "He died about a year later, he was thirty-four, same age as I am now. My mother, she just kind of gave up. She went a year later, an overdose."

"Oh, Billy..."

"Amy was quiet for a moment after my dad told her. I had quit bawling and was standing up. Amy got right in my face; 'So that means we have almost twenty years, right? If you are man enough?'

"I had an operation so I couldn't have kids. We were married about three months later. We never again talked about it. We lived every day as if it was the last day."

"She really loved you."

"Until the day she died. She was my whole life."

Alison crawled into his lap and put her head on his chest, "Oh, Billy, I don't know what to say..." 



Billy Ch. 13



Thirteen

The days of summer deepened and rushed, then slowed, as Julie and Molly spent time together, talking about and thinking about the future. A sort of Post Partum depression set in after graduation, affecting Julie more so than Molly.

Days went by when they did not mention Billy, but other days were filled with memories and longings and questions, surely questions.

Both girls, dressed in skimpy summer shorts and tops, sat in the swing on Julie's covered porch and sipped a home made, icy sweet lemonade. They looked up together as a black Cadillac limousine glided to a smooth stop on the street before the house. They watched in silence as the driver exited, walked around the automobile and opened the back door next to the sidewalk.

Julie arose from the porch swing as a tall, heavy man in a dark suit and tie slowly stepped out and then reached back in retrieving a dark brown leather briefcase. He looked up at the two girls on the porch and took several steps up the sidewalk to the house.

"Is this the McGregor residence?" he asked with a firm, deep voice.

"Uh, yes, sir, it is... wh..what can I do for you?" stammered Julie.

"I need to speak with a Miss Julie McGregor, would that be you?"

"Yes, I am Julie, who are you?"

"May I?" the man asked as he approached the steps in front of the porch.

Julie looked around at the doorway to the house and to Molly, still in the swing, "Yes, I guess so, all right. My mom is home but my dad is out. Who do you want to see?"

The man smiled gently at her, "You can have your mother come out if you wish, but the message I have, is for you."

"For me?" asked Julie.

"Yes, and for a Miss Molly Fischer. Would that be the young lady in the swing by any chance? Molly stood at the sound of her name, "I'm Molly; you have a message for me also?"

The man smiled again, set the brief case on the porch railing and opened it. He took a single piece of paper out and handed it to Julie, "I have been instructed to deliver this to you. My telephone number is included, you may call me during business hours."

Julie took the sheet of paper and looked at it, "Just an address?"

The man closed the briefcase and nodded, "Yes, the door is unlocked."

"That's all?" Julie glanced from the man's face to Molly's and again to the man.

"Yes, Miss McGregor, that is what I have been instructed to do. If there is nothing more?"

Julie slowly shook her head and stood silent as the man went back down the steps and into the car. Both girls watched it drive slowly away.

Julie and Molly looked at each other, "I don't have a good feeling about this..." said Molly in a small voice.

"Me neither," said Julie, "But we gotta go see...let me tell my mom and we'll go look for this place."

Julie drove slowly down the tree lined street as Molly read off numbers until they found the one on the paper.

"It's big..." said Molly.

"And old, but really beautiful..." said Julie.

The girls got out of Julie's car and walked slowly through the open gate and up the curved stone walkway. Molly stopped suddenly and turned her head, sniffing the air and then the fragrant large drooping flowers on twisted vines wrapped around a wooden lattice.

Molly shivered and crossed her arms under her breasts. 

"What is it Molly? What's wrong?" asked Julie.

Molly's wide open eyes blinked rapidly, "I, uh, I know that smell. Julie....ohhh...I think this is Billy's house!"

Julie sniffed the air near the vines, "Really? I don't remember the scent from the room...are you sure?"

Molly dropped her arms and clasped her hands together in front of her and rocked slowly back and forth on her heels, "Pretty sure...Julie...I'm frightened..."

Julie placed her arms around Molly and embraced her lightly, "Now you are scaring me..."

Hand in hand they slowly walked up the porch steps and stood before the closed door. Julie finally reached out, the knob turned easily and the door swung inward.

Even though it was the middle of a hot day, the house was cool. The door opened on a small cloakroom and a wide, tall archway led into a large living room. Overhead lights and two lamps were on as well as a small spotlight that illuminated a long wood mantle over a fireplace.

The girls stood silent, looking into the well and exquisitely furnished living area. The, 'on' light of a television set and a VCR, glared green as they surveyed the room and its furnishings. Still hand in hand, they took a few cautious steps on the deep pile carpet.

A folded newspaper graced the glass-topped coffee table in front of the curved couch that faced the television set. Julie walked slowly to the table and picked up the newspaper. I single note-sized piece of paper fell out as she opened the newspaper.


Molly walked toward the illuminated mantle and exclaimed, "Julie! Your picture is here! Come look!"

Julie held the paper in one hand and the note in the other as she walked toward Molly, "My picture?"

Julie gasped, "That dress! Oh, my God."

Molly turned and put her hand on Julie's arm, "I know that dress, too, you showed me."

Julie reached out and took the picture and looked at it closely, "It's not me, Molly...it's the same dress, but it is not me..."

"Not you? It looks like you...are you sure?"

"I'm sure," Julie glanced at the unread note in her hand, 'I am on the porch if you need me.' It was signed, 'Alison Jennings.'

Both girls looked at each other and then to the newspaper as Julie opened it and saw a black marker circled article, "Services held for Dr. William Harrison, know as, 'Billy' to those close to him; he was a long time..."

"Billeee!" Both girls screamed and burst into tears and sobs and hugged each other. They stumbled to the couch and collapsed, hugging each other and crying.

A soft voice called out from the doorway they left open, "Should I come in...can I help...?" Both girls sat up and turned, "Oh, Miss Jennings, Billy is dead! And we didn't know, didn't know anything! Oh...I can't, I just won't...please Miss Jennings, tell me it wasn't Billy!" Julie sobbed out the words as she waved the newspaper around.

Alison hurried to the girls on the couch, sat between them and put an arm around each. They all cried, rocking back and forth as the moments ticked by.

"It is true," Alison said softly, "I am so sorry." She opened her purse, took out a package of tissue and dabbed the wet eyes.

"You knew!" said Molly with a shaking voice.

"Yes, Molly, Julie, I knew. He wanted it this way. He told me not to tell you."

Julie looked into Alison's eyes, "He told you...he knew he was going to...?"

Alison stood up and closed her purse, "He left a video tape for both of you; I can wait outside if you want."

Julie and Molly looked at each other, "Have you seen it? Do you want to see it?" asked Molly.

"No, I have not seen it. He asked me not to look at it until you did, and then only if you wanted me to see. I don't know what is on it."

Julie sighed..."I would like you to stay; Molly?"

Molly sobbed and rested her head on Julie's shoulder, "Yes, stay, I can't bear this."

"This picture?" asked Julie, "It is not me, but who is it? It looks so very much like me, I don't understand."

Alison dabbed at her eyes, "If he doesn't tell you on the video, I will, unless you want me to now."

Julie blinked her eyes, "I have to understand, Miss Jennings, who is it? Please tell me."

Alison bent her head, "I am not sure I should...Billy didn't say...Julie, it was his wife, Amy, she was killed in a car accident. That picture was taken when she was in high school, the same age as you were when he first saw you. He..."

A huge sob and moan erupted from Julie, "Oh! Ohhhh...God! Ohh, Billy....now I see why...."

Julie and Molly hugged and cried as Alison patted Julie on the back, "I'm sorry, Julie, maybe I should not have told you..."

Julie sniffed and wiped her eyes again, "No, it is okay. It's just some things I did not understand before. I just...oh, damn, I...oh, if I could only...he changed my life...he saved my life and he was hurting too but I didn't know why...I just don't know..."

Molly stood and moved to the VCR and turned her head back to Julie and Alison. They both nodded.

The screen flickered and flashed and the frames slipped until she made an adjustment. Molly moved back to the couch alongside Julie and they both gasped as the twinkling blue eyes peering out from a square jawed face smiled into the camera. "I know him!" squealed Molly, I've seen him a hundred times!" 

"Me too! Me too!" Julie moaned, "A bunch of times, at school! Oh, he is a good-looking man! I knew he would be!"

Alison sat quietly, tears streaming down her face as he began to speak.

The sound of his voice brought both girls to tears again, the face on the television screen broke into a full smile with white teeth and a dimple in the right cheek. "I could not decide whether to dress in a polo shirt and slacks or a suit and tie, so I compromised." Billy was wearing a light blue dress shirt, open at the collar and a beige open vest with round brown buttons on the front.

"I hope you asked Miss Jennings in, I asked her to be there for you, perhaps she can help. Julie, Molly, I am truly sorry that you have to go through this. But if you are watching the tape, then my last chance will have failed. Ah, how to explain...I have an illness, an inherited one, for which there is no cure. I have tried everything, for years and it came down to a risky procedure. I chose to take it..."

"Stop it! Stop the tape! I can't do this!" Julie screamed, she jumped up and ran out through the front door. Molly ran close behind as Alison paused the tape and stood still for a moment, looking at the doorway.

"It's not fair!" Julie cried and screamed, "Not fair!"

Molly hugged her and rested her head on the taller girls chest, "I know, Julie, I know. I loved him...I love him...I wanted him in my life forever."

"Oh, Molly, I'm so sorry...I did too. He said goodbye to me, the last time I saw him...I knew it, I knew he was saying goodbye, but I didn't think it would be forever...Oh...I hurt so much inside..."

"He loved you both, you know," said Alison quietly from the doorway.

Julie and Molly looked at Alison, "He really did, in different ways, but you gave his life a purpose. He was a good man, the best I have ever known. He did not expect to live. He was just...well, just waiting, he did not think the Doctors would find a way."

Julie and Molly stood silent, Alison cleared her throat, "He would not want you to be sad; he only hoped that he had helped you and that he did no harm. He helped me and I loved him too. And I miss him, with all my heart."

Molly and Julie rushed to Alison and put their arms around her.

"I knew it was his house," said Molly, "I remember the lilacs, or the lavender, I could smell them in the room. Is that little room in the house? Have you been here before? Oh! Yes, of course you have, oh, Miss Jennings, you were here? With him?"

Alison nodded and let a little smile come forth, "Would you like to see the room?"

Julie's voice was ragged and uneven, "Miss Jennings, can you turn all the lights off?"

All three sat quietly in the dark padded room where they had first met Billy. They sat for many long minutes with their own thoughts...until Julie let out a long wavering sigh and stood up, unsteady in the darkness.

They stared at the image of Billy and listened to his words, his voice so eerily familiar, "Julie, Molly, please let Miss Jennings help you. She is a very good person and a bit older; let her try to see you through this.

"There is so much I want to say..." The image of Billy on the screen lowered his eyes and paused for a moment, "Julie, you know by now how much you resemble my wife, Amy. It was so unreal when I first saw you. I went out of my way to keep track of you through school, just to see an image of Amy as you grew older. It was a selfish thing, I know and I would never have spoken to you.

"Perhaps now you can understand some of the things I said to you when we first met. Julie, I had to try. I have searched my heart and I truly hope I have caused you no harm; I wanted only to help. If I have caused you pain in anyway, I beg you to forgive me. I mean that, Julie, please."

Julie turned her head away and sobbed, "I love you, Billy, that's what hurts, I love you."

Billy paused for a moment as a crooked smile and a slight flush appeared on his face. "Molly, this is for you. You might want Julie to leave for a moment, but that is up to you..."

All three looked at each other, Molly blushed but shook her head.

"Molly you impetuous little imp! I rationalize that I did no wrong with you or with Julie, or with any of those who came to that room. But I know better. I should not have let you anywhere near me. But, in my heart, I don't really mean that. Molly, sweet Molly, you were the one unrepeatable encounter in my life. You brought me joy and laughter and the most intense physical and mental relationship I have ever known. You are a very special young woman with a potential I can only guess at. You must follow your heart and your mind; I will try to help.

"Molly, I don't think I have caused you harm, but if I have, in anything I did or said, I also beg you to forgive me. I was weak with you, I wanted to see you again and again and I am sorry if I brought you any pain..."

"Damn you Billy! Damn you all to hell!" Molly jumped up and kicked out and swung her arms around, slapping the empty air, "Damn him! He wouldn't let me see him. I knew it wouldn't last, for a hundred reasons, but not this! Not this way!"

Alison paused the video again and she and Julie stared at Molly who was still furious and agitated, "For the first time in my life I was really alive! With him! Talking to him, in his arms...he took me places I didn't even know existed. I told him! I told him, damn it all! I told him I wanted every moment he could give. He kept saying no, trying to be Mr. Nice Guy, trying not to, 'take advantage' of me. Damn you Billy, you showed me what passion really was and then you took it away!"

Molly dropped back down to the couch and curled up in a ball, sobbing as Julie and Alison sat next to her.

After a moment, Julie asked, "Molly, you only saw him twice, how could you..."

"I saw him a lot more than that!" hissed Molly.

"You did?" Both Julie and Alison stared at her.

"A dozen times! At least that many...or almost, I dunno, I would have moved in with him had he let me. You just can't know what it was like every time we were together. It was like explosions going off, I couldn't get enough of him...we made love five times one..." Molly glanced up at the silence and into the startled faces of Julie and Alison.

"Sorry...I should not have said all that," Molly lowered her eyes and turned her head away.

Alison cleared her throat again, "Maybe you gave him the best gift possible, Molly. That kind of chemical attraction is rare between people, I think. Be happy with what you had, not angry."

Molly looked up with tears in her eyes, slowly nodding her head, "Yes, I think you are right. But, oh, Miss Jennings, Julie, if you only knew how much I loved him; he showed me how to live with passion and desire. I am going to never forget him and I miss him so, I am empty inside; I cannot believe he is really gone forever."

Billy's voice came softly through the room again, "Allison, Miss Jennings, we have already talked, a little. You deserve more than I could have given you. You should have a family, a husband and children and I could not give you children. The few years I had left when we met were not enough to justify the relationship I would have wanted. I hope you will understand that and forgive me for not asking you before. I do not know, as I say these words, if I did the right thing, perhaps not.

"I have asked you to do something more for me. But as I tried to explain, I do not want you to sacrifice your life or any part of it for what I have set forth. Other arrangements can be made and I insist you live your life before all else. You must promise me this..."

Alison paused the video again, "Billy left me some paperwork, it involves all of us and some of the other girls. I will tell you about it later, if that is all right?"

She restarted the video when both girls nodded, "I have asked Miss Jennings to keep track of the other girls. I have asked her to make sure that if they need help, they get it." Billy's voice was firmer now, more business like.

"I have rather a large estate to dispose of and I have made some changes. I first decided to leave most everything to the medical research facility that was working on my illness. But after I met Julie and Maria and then the others, I saw a greater need, a better use of what I had to give.

"First of all, I have left this house and land, all fully paid off, to Miss Jennings, if she accepts it. I would ask that it be used as a temporary shelter for girls that are need of help and counseling. There is also a trust fund set aside to cover operating expenses.

"Secondly, my family owns several pieces of real property, some of which will be sold. The rest is a dream I leave in your hands; I mean this for Julie and possibly Maria and Mary Kathleen. The dream is for a permanent ongoing facility to act as both a shelter and a treatment center for young women who have undergone the kind of trauma that I have learned about.

Miss Jennings, you and Julie will be the two that decide if my, 'dream', is a realizable one. If you decide it is not, the funds will be diverted to the research facility. The legal apparatus is all in place, you need only call them; it is set up to help you in every way.

"Molly, you have a choice to either join with Miss Jennings and Julie, or you can follow another dream I have for you. That dream will arrive at your doorstep and the choice will be yours."

Billy chuckled on the video screen, "It is perhaps my last chance to keep you in suspense dear sweet Molly, I only wish I could see your expression as you listen to me."

Billy sighed, "This has not been an easy task. I am sitting in this very familiar room in my parents old home, knowing that I shall most likely never see it or any of you again. It saddens me, in many ways, but, it is a necessary thing that I must do." He looked directly into the camera, "Julie, Molly, Alison, I love you all, I will think only of you and the happiness we had as I leave on this journey. I ask only that you try to find happiness in your lives and that you think of me from time to time. Goodbye, take care of each other."

All three sat silent as the VCR went quiet and the screen changed to a solid blue.

They did not cry or sob, although tears were in evidence. Julie rocked back and forth, Molly sat absolutely still and Alison looked from girl to girl.

"We can take as much time as we need to think about this, " said Alison. "I am willing to study it and look into it a little more, but only if you, Julie, have an interest."

"I need to think," Julie answered quietly.

"I think it is a good idea," said Molly, "But I don't think it is for me."

Julie stood, "I think I need to leave now."

Molly stood also.

"There is something else," Alison said softly.

Julie and Molly turned to her.

"I'm pregnant," Alison said quietly.

"That's great!" said Molly.

"Are you sure?" asked Julie.

Alison nodded, "Positive."

Julie moved forward and embraced Alison, "I am so happy for you!"

Molly watched Alison's face as she hugged Julie, "You're not married." It was a statement, not a question.

"No." Alison flushed and did not meet Molly's eyes; Julie stepped back.

Alison blushed even deeper and then raised her eyes, "Are either one of you...ah...well, pregnant?"




Billy Ch. 13



Both girls were startled and both quickly answered, no.

It was silent in Billy's front room as the girls all glanced from one to another.

Molly was first to speak, "What is not being said here?"

Julie waited a moment more and then asked, "Well?"

Alison finally took a deep breath, "I haven't been with anyone but Billy." 

...end

Author's note: A sincere thank you for those who have read and commented on the Billy series. I apologize for the delay in the final chapters, they required some rewrites and may require more. I would ask for your comments of the entire story, should you feel so inclined, it is always good to get outside opinions, good or bad, as to the overall impact of the story. Thank you, Amicus

Billy is entirely a work of fiction; any character similarities to actual persons, is totally coincidental. Copyright 2004 Amicus/John Cole

Ps...I have located a publisher for several short stories posted here, including Susan and Annie. I am seeking a publisher for "Billy" and would welcome any suggestion