2 comments/ 8544 views/ 0 favorites The Wuzard of US By: Krenna Smart Starring: Lady Liberty, as herself GW Bush as the Scarecrow Dick Cheney as the Tin Man Colin Powell at the Bureaucat Congress in their entirety as the Wuzard The Spook of the Mid-West - Charleton Heston Saddam as the Spook of the Mid-east Ralph Nader as the Good Spook CHATTY CAPPY:, the US intern Yuppies The helicopter pilot The Press US Soldiers Iraqi soldiers Protesters NARRATOR: Lady Liberty stands in the Harbor looking wishfully out towards New Jersey as the story begins. LIBERTY (wishfully): Gosh, on a clear day, I’ll bet I could see all the way to Pennsylvania. On a clear day that is (she coughs a little on the morning smog. Then she brushes off flakes of asbestos and other toxic city grime.) My dress just isn’t as green as it used to be. And my arm sure aches from holding the flame. I’m down right tired of carrying the torch of liberty, and I’m sick of tourists and bird shit. I wish I could have a vacation. I wish, just for once, I could be a tourist. I’d go... Somewhere. Somewhere, over the ozone, song birds flap Birds don’t fry in the hot sun Out where the waves don’t lap Somewhere, over the ozone, kids don’t whine Smog lifts, over the ozone out where the bright stars shine Some day I’ll wish upon a star and leave the steamy masses far behind me Where raindrops don’t corrode my hide, A cooler place where I can bide that’s where you’ll find me Somewhere over the ozone Folks don’t wheeze I’ll fly over the ozone off on a cool clear breeze If happy little tourist fly, above the ozone why, oh why can’t LIBERTY: Oh my God, what’s that? It’s a cyclone, a hurricane, oh no, its political upheaval. Help me, help me. What am I going to do? NARRATOR: The bottom drops out of the stock market. (LIBERTY EXITS ) A whirlwind of slogans and flags and dirty tricks, nasty conspiracies, whisper campaigns and Supreme Court rulings hits Liberty, knocks her to her knees and carried her off into the sky. Her torch is left, flameless on the lawn of Liberty Island. LIBERTY: Gosh, this sure doesn’t look like Manhattan NARRATOR: Out of the clear blue sky chugs a little solar powered VW bug. It has hippie flowers and peace signs on it. The sun roof pops open and out pops Ralph Nader LIBERTY: Who are you? NADER: I’m Nader the good spook of the north. Who are you, and what is your political persuasion? LIBERTY: What? NADER: Are you a good spook or a bad spook? LIBERTY: I’m not a spook at all. NADER: If you’re not a spook, why did you kill the evil spook of the Midwest? LIBERTY: I didn’t kill anyone. NADER: We’ll, I guess that’s pizza pie you’re standing in then. Liberty looks down at her feet. LIBERTY: Oh gosh, that’s disgusting. What’s that? Did I do that? NADER: That, my friend, is what is left of the evil spook of the Midwest LIBERTY: Oh no, I didn’t mean to kill it. I’ve never killed a constitutional right before. NADER: Grow up child, that’s not a constitutional right. That’s an evil bogey man, and you killed him. Good going! Now, are you a good spook or a bad spook? LIBERTY: I just told you.... LIBERTY: Oh my, what’s that? NADER: Don’t be afraid. That’s just the yuppies. I’m their spook. They called me when they saw you land. They thought you might be another airplane terrorist. They’re all suffering from PTTCS. YPUUIES: PTTCS, PTTCS LIBERTY: What’s that? NADER: Post Traumatic Trade Center Syndrome. They’ve all had a hard jolt to the right, I’m afraid. LIBERTY: Oh, that’s terrible. Is there anything I can do to help? NADER: Yes. Please, be reassuring, stable, and, um, mediocre. You know, reasonable. It’s all right yuppies (he calls to the suited people peering out from dimly lit bars), you can come out. Come out; come out, where ever you are Where ever you are, don’t stay in the bars Liberty’s come; she’s come from afar, She tripped on a rainbow and fell from a star YUPPIE 1: (Whispers) Rainbow? What’s that? I’ve tried xtc, but I’ve never heard of rainbow. Is that like angle dust? Man, I took some of that when I was a teenager and it took me two years to recover. YUPPIE 2: Shit, man, you never recovered. He he. YUPPIE 3: I guess she’s on drugs; she sure looks like she’s on a bad trip, and she’s all green. YUPPIE 4: She’s sure big. She must be related to the jolly green giant. I’ll bet she’s a terrorist. YUPPIE 2: No, she’s not a terrorist. Nader wouldn’t have anything to do with terrorists. YUPPIE 1: But she landed on Heston that makes her a terrorist. YUPPIE 2: No, Heston was a bad guy, so she can’t be a terrorist, she’s a freedom fighter. She’s a good spook. YUPPIE 3: You’re wrong, Heston was a good guy, remember? The Wuzard liked him. YUPPIE 4: I’m so confuse. NADER: She fell from a star and she missed all the bars she landed on Heston and that’s where we are YUPPIES: She fell from a star and she missed all the bars She landed on Heston and that’s where we are YUPPIE ONE: Oh well, happy hour’s over, who wants to pay 5 bucks for a beer? Let’s see what’s happening on the street. YUPPIE ONE: Hush, its time to sing a song YUPPIES: We represent the arms industry, the arms industry, the arms industry and on behalf of the arms industry we’d like to welcome you to yuppie land We represent the oil interests the oil interests, the oil interests and on the behalf of the oil interests we’d like to welcome you to yuppie land NARRATOR: Suddenly, right in the middle of the sidewalk a man hole cover blow and a huge ball of fire bursts forth. EVERYONE: Eeek, Help! The evil spook’s coming, and so on… NARRATOR: Everyone runs back into the bars except Liberty and Nader. Saddam, the bad spook of the Middle East jumps out of the manhole cover . SADDAM: Where’s the evil imperialist who cut off my weapons supply. Where is she? Is it you? (Saddam points at Liberty) LIBERTY: I didn’t mean to. There was this political upheaval and I got blown off my island and I landed here and, I didn’t even know he was down there. I didn’t know I was going to crush poor Charleton.... SADDAM: You didn’t mean to.... Of course you didn’t mean to. And I suppose you didn’t mean to destroy my economy either.... you big bad lump of lime colored lead. I’m going to throw some anthrax at you. Better yet, I have my mobile bio-chemical lab here somewhere. I swear I have one. I really do. I read it in your Daily News so it must be true. LIBERTY: Oh my God, we’re all going to die! NADER: Calm down, Liberty. Everything’s going to be all right as long as no one goes off half cocked. (Nader looks at Saddam. ) NADER: Aren’t you forgetting something? SADDAM: Forgetting something? What do you mean? NADER: What about sanctions and the weapons agreement? SADDAM: (Saddam's eye’s light up with greed) Ah yes, the weapon’s agreement...., the sanctions. Give them to me, they’re mine. (Nader laughs.) NADER: Forget about it. You didn’t negotiate. You weren’t straight with the arms inspectors. NARRATOR: Heston’s corpse shrivels up and turns to black, gooey tar. (Narrator slips behind Liberty, pulls out the papers and puts them into a new torch which he hands to Liberty.) SADDAM: Curse you, and all of your relations and their ancestors. (He says to Nader.) (Turning to Liberty) SADDAM: And you, my pretty. You may think you’re safe, but I’ll get you yet. NADER: Blow it out your ass Saddam. Better look out. I think I see the empire state building heading this way. There’s political upheaval everywhere. NARRATOR: Saddam looks up at the sky in horror. Seeing that the sky is clear he realizes Nader is merely taunting him SADDAM: Two can play that game. You’re pathetic, Nader. You’re as full of wind as your friends on the hill. But I’ve got things to do: weapons to assemble, oil to pump. I’ll be back. And when I do, you, Liberty, are going to give me everything I ask for. (With a blustery bow and a swoop of his arms, Saddam jumps back into the fiery manhole yelling) SADDAM: JIHAD LIBERTY (worriedly): Oh dear, that doesn’t sound good. What are we going to do? NADER: We!? Uh uhh, hombre, I’m outa here. This is getting kind of heavy for me to handle. You’re going to have to call on more commanding forces than I have available. You’re going to have to go see the Wuzard. LIBERTY: The Wuzard? Who’s that? NADER: Not who, my dear, what? LIBERTY: Well.... What then? NADER: The Wuzard of U.S. Congress, I mean. The bad boys on the Hill. Everyone knows about the Wuzard. The Wuzard acts on everyone’s behalf. Everything that happens here in Yuppie town and everywhere else that counts has to be approved by the Wuzard. You oughta know that. Liberty was offended. LIBERTY: I didn’t come from a corn field you know. I come from New York City. NADER (impressed): New York City. Oh. Well that explains it. LIBERTY: So how do I get to the Wuzard? NADER: It’s a long, twisted way you have to go, poor child. You wouldn’t happen to have any money with you, would you? LIBERTY: No NADER: Too bad. That’s a problem. It’s really hard to get to the Wuzard without money these days. That’d have been a great help. I used to take the grass roots route but I ran out of grass back in the eighties. Do you have any grass? I could sure use a hit or two. (Nader asks hopefully) LIBERTY: Grass? You mean marijuana? Of course not, I’m a good girl. I stand for truth and freedom and liberty. Marijuana rots your teeth and funds evil heathen terrorists. NADER: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Billy Clinton didn’t inhale, either LIBERTY: Exactly! NADER: (Rolls his eyes and shrugs) Well, you don’t have any money and you don’t have any grass. I guess you’re going to have to get to the Wuzard the hard way. LIBERTY: How? NADER: You’ll have to go in person. LIBERTY: But how do I get there? I don’t know my way around this town. NADER: (Pointing up and right to the road) See that road over there? That’s the oil slick roads. You must follow the oil slick road to get to US. LIBERTY: The oil slick road? NADER: The oil slick road. Follow the oil slick road NADER AND LIBERTY: The oil slick road YUPPIE 1: Follow the oil slick road YUPPIE 2: Follow the oil slick road. EVERYONE: (The Yuppies spread out and line up along the road) Follow the oil slick road Follow the oil slick road Follow..... LIBERTY: I’m (We’re) off to see the Wuzard The wonderful Wuzard of U.S. I (We) hear he is a wus of a Wuz if ever a Wuz did gush.... ( Scarecrow enters with chair and white house prop. Sits on top of chair) NARRATOR: Liberty walks for a while. She pauses in confusion at a fork in the road by the white house LIBERTY: Gosh, I wonder which way I should go. Left. No right. No left. Hell. I wish there was a middle of the road. NARRATOR: Then liberty sees GW Bush on a fence with his arms and eyes crossed LIBERTY: Hey you, up there on the fence. Which way is the way to the Wuzard? SCARECROW: Go left, no, go right. Left is right, I’m sure of it. No. Right is left. Gosh, I don’t know. Everything is so confusing. Don’t ask me, I don’t have a brain you know. LIBERTY: Funny, you don’t look like a blond. Why don’t you have a brain? SCARECROW: It runs in my family. My father doesn’t have one. Neither do my brother or my children. LIBERTY: Is that why you’re sitting on that fence? SCARECROW: No. I’m a politician. I got stuck there by my public LIBERTY: I guess you don’t need a brain if you’re a politician. SCARECROW: Maybe not. But I want one. LIBERTY: What would you do with a brain? SCARECROW: I would be a better leader or maybe just a reader my job wouldn’t be a strain I would be a clever laddie I’d get out from under daddy if I only had a brain Oh I, would really try to make environmental regulations fly there’d be national health insurance by and by The Middle East – a little peace I would understand the budget I wouldn’t have to fudge it I wouldn’t be so inane Let there be no mistakin I would out think Ronald Reagan If I only had a brain LIBERTY: Wow. You’ve really given it some thought. Tell you what. I’m on my way to the Hill to see the Wuzard of US... Why don’t you come with me? If the Wuzard is all he’s cracked up to be he ought to be able to give you a brain. (Tin Man enters back, stage right) SCARECROW: I would if I could just get down from this damn fence LIBERTY: Here. I’ll give you a hand (Liberty lifts Scarecrow down. He wobbles and falls over. She sets him right.) LIBERTY. Now then, which way should we go? SCARECROW: I don’t know. You look like a smart girl. You decide. LIBERTY: I guess we’d better go right. SCARECROW: Good choice. Left and right are just about the same these days, anyway. LIBERTY: Why do you think that is? TINMAN: (CREAKS) OIL: SCARECROW: Money. LIBERTY: Why’s money so important? TIN MAN: Oil (he squeaks) (Liberty and the Scarecrow stare first at him and then at each other.) LIBERTY whispers: Good thing we went right. We’d never have found him on the path leading left. SCARECROW: What did you say? TIN MAN: Oil. What’d’ya have, straw in your ears? I’m dry as a Texas oil well. (Liberty and Scarecrow notice the oil can just out of Tin Man’s reach. Liberty grabs it and oils Tin Man’s jaw. It starts to flap. Liberty and Scarecrow begin to laugh) TIN MAN: Shut up and help me you fools. SCARECROW: You can call me a fool, but that’s Liberty you’re insulting. You’d better watch it. Who do you think you are anyway? TIN MAN: I’m Dick Cheney. Who the Hell are you SCARECROW: I’m GW Bush. This is Liberty Liberty (Politely): How do you do. TIN MAN: I’d be a whole lot better if you’d stop jawing and finish oiling me SCARECROW: (taking the oil can from Liberty): Here, I’ll do it. I have a special interest in oil. (Scarecrow oils Tin Man thoroughly. Tin Man wiggles and rattles and squeaks until his joints loosen up.) TIN MAN: Damn. This wouldn’t happen if people would pay a little attention to me. LIBERTY: Aren’t you going to thank us? TIN MAN: Hell no, I’m not grateful. I don’t give a fart. LIBERTY: Why not? TIN MAN: I don’t know. I don’t feel like it, cause I don’t have a heart SCARECROW: Why don’t you have a heart? TIN MAN: It was giving me too much trouble. I cut it out when I took political office. Now I’m starting to regret it. LIBERTY: What would you do with a heart? TIN MAN: I would be so hale and hearty Join the democratic party 'though Bush might fall apart I would be a real peace maker I’d throw out my old pace maker If I only had a heart Oh I’d be a nice guy At the thought of mass destruction I would cry I guess I’d go to heaven when I die I wouldn’t hate the welfare state I wouldn’t mind if it were achin' I’d like to feel it breakin' I wouldn’t dodge cupid’s dart I would help the Arab nation I’d be in love with all creation If I only had a heart LIBERTY: Scarecrow and I are heading to the Hill to see the Wuzard. If you act nice you can come with us. When we get there you can as the Wuzard for a new heart. TIN MAN: I don’t have anything better to do. I guess I’ll go along. LIBERTY: So where do we go from here? (They gaze down the oil slick road standing down, left) TIN MAN: It looks like we have to go through downtown to get to the Hill LIBERTY: Downtown. That sounds scary. Will there be lawyers? (Stepping right) SCARECROW: I think so. And lobbyists. (Stepping right) LIBERTY: Lobbyists? TIN MAN: And Beaurocats (Stepping right) LIBERTY: Bureaucrats? TIN MAN: Of course LIBERTY: Oh my. Lawyers and Lobbyists and Bureaucrats, oh my (All three walk towards stage right slowly, while chanting) Lawyers and Lobbyists & Bureau cats, oh my…. NARRATOR: Our little party of travelers arrive in downtown Washington. (Colin Powell jumps out of a doorway just to the right of center) EVERYONE: EEK.(They all run in different directions. Powell isn’t chasing them.) Instead he sits down on a stool and pulls out a lunch pail) (Liberty notices Bureaucat’s not chasing them and turns. LIBERTY: Aren’t you going to chase us? BUREAUCAT: Of course not. It’s my lunch hour. LIBERTY: (Walks towards Bureaucat) You sure are lazy. BUREAUCAT: Of course I’m lazy. I’m a bureau cat. I’m a coward too. (Sadly) LIBERTY: That’s a drag. Don’t you have any courage at all? BUREAUCAT: No not one little bit. I sure wish I did TIN MAN: What would you do with courage? BUREAUCAT: I’d be intrepid if I have courage. I’d be..., I’d.... Well.... (Stands. He is down stage right) I would start an insurrection then I’d win the next election I’d be so proud to serve I’d recommend that we hold back and not shellac the poor Iraqis If I only had the nerve Oh I would show some guts I wouldn’t be a chicken little putz Whenever I was challenged I’d kick butts I’d tell the boss “Get lost” I wouldn’t give a god dam if we don’t go after Saddam My opinions wouldn’t swerve I would have the upper hand and I might even take a stand Oh, if I only had the nerve Tin Man, Scarecrow and Liberty whisper among themselves a bit (Tin Man, Liberty and Scarecrow walk towards Bureaucat before speaking) LIBERTY: Tin Man, Scarecrow and me, uh, Liberty, are on the way to the Hill to see the Wuzard. The Tin Man’s going to ask for a heart and the Scarecrow is going to ask for a brain. And me, well, I guess I need to find my way back to New York City. Maybe you’d like to come with us and ask for some courage. BUREAUCAT: Do you think he’d give me some (Hopefully) SCARECROW: I don’t see why not. But then again, I don’t see why he would. Don’t ask me, I don’t have a brain. TIN MAN: Oh shut up LIBERTY: Now boys no fighting. We have a long walk ahead of us. So, Bureaucat, are you in or not. BUREAUCAT: (Sits on stool) Let me think, let me think. Okay, I guess. What have I got to loose. I’ve got plenty of vacation coming to me -- use or loose, you know, I was thinking of taking a trip but was scared to what with the state of the world and everything. SCARECROW: I know just what you mean. You know if Liberty hadn’t come along I might just have sat on the fence for four years or more…. Liberty (to the group): (Liberty crosses to Bureaucat and pulls him up) TO US? EVERYONE: TO US We’re off to see the Wuzard, the wonderful ….. The curtain falls ACT II Saddam is in his compound, watching the progress of the little group on his lap top. SADDAM: Curses, Curses. The little liberty bitch is going to give me trouble. If she stirs up the Wuzard the proverbial shit is going to hit the fan. I’ve got to stop her. I know, I’ll send out the suicide bombers. NARRATOR: Winged monkey puppets fly out of the compound and head into the sky. Meanwhile the little group has just gotten out of downtown and found their way to the Mall. They see the Capitol on the horizon LIBERTY: Look, it’s the Capitol. We’re almost there. It’s so pretty. Hurry SCARECROW: Lets run NARRATOR: They start running up the mall. All of a sudden a cloud of suicide bombers appears behind them. The monkey-like things land and explode behind and around the travelers Liberty and her friends run faster and just barely make it to the no fly zone over the white house. The suicide bombers buzz around a while and then run out of fuel and fall, lifeless to the ground. TIN MAN: Whew, that was close. If I had a heart it’d be beating a mile a minute SCARECROW: Alright gang, let’s get moving. We want to make US by nightfall The Wuzard of US BUREAUCAT: I don’t know. Maybe we’d better turn back. I hear Saddam has all kinds of weapons of mass destruction. SCARECROW: You want to chicken out? Go ahead. But I’m going to make sure Liberty’s safe and gets back to New York City where she belongs, even if I don’t get a brain out of the deal. TIN MAN: Yeah. I’m with you, Scarecrow. I don’t even care if I get a new ticker. I’m not going to let that madman intimidate me. LIBERTY: Gosh, you guys are the best. I just know liberty will be safe with George Bush and Dick Cheney at my side. How could I go wrong? Come on Colin. Its not very far now. We’ll be alright if we stick together BUREAUCAT: Okay. But I sure hope this Wuzard is all that he’s cracked up to be. LIBERTY: Of course he is. Let’s go. NARRATOR: They walk on and finally get to the capitol. They walk up the steps and knock at the door. A sprightly little intern opens the door CHATTY CAPPY: Hello, I’m CHATTY CAPPY:, your capitol guide. How can I help you? SCARECROW: Hi Cappy, I’m S. These are my friends, T, B, and L. We want to see the Wuzard CHATTY CAPPY: Oh, I see. Do you have an appointment? SCARECROW: No, but…. CHATTY CAPPY: Do you have any money? TIN MAN: No, you see, we…. CHATTY CAPPY: (Puzzled) Influential friends? Do you have any influential friends I could talk to? LIBERTY: No. Why do we…? CHATTY CAPPY: (Starting to get annoyed) What about votes. Do you have any votes with you? LIBERTY: No. But if we could just talk…. CHATTY CAPPY: Huh. You’re wasting my time. Besides, it’s August. The Wuzard isn’t here. Go away. She slams the door. BUREAUCAT: Ah, hell, she’s as bad as a bureau cat. SCARECROW: Well what do ya think about that? TIN MAN: (Angrily to Scarecrow) You don’t think. You don’t have a brain, remember. SCARECROW: Put a lid on it you old can of hot air TIN MAN: (sarcastically): Oh, that hurts LIBERTY: Stop it! Fighting’s not going to get us anywhere. What are we gonna do now. I was so happy (Starts to cry) NARRATOR: Suddenly up in the sky a sky writing plane flies over leaving behind the words “GIVE ME LIBERTY” A great cry of fear comes out of the capitol. BUREAUCAT: Ah ha. I knew someone was inside. Let’s knock again. They knock on the door. The intern peers out CHATTY CAPPY: You again. What do you want? Can’t you see there’s a world crisis happening. We’re busy. Go away. LIBERTY: But I’m Liberty CHATTY CAPPY: Oh my gosh. I didn’t know. That’s different. Wait here. No, come in. No, go away. No. Come in. Come in. Oh gosh what do I do, what do I do? LIBERTY: Calm down. It’s not like the world is coming to an end CHATTY CAPPY: But it might. No, you’re right, come on in. They all walk into the capitol. CHATTY CAPPY: Now you wait right here and I’ll make sure you get an audience SCARECROW: We don’t need an audience. We want to see the Wuzard TIN MAN: That’s what she means straw for brains SCARECROW: junk pile BUREAUCAT: Ya know, I think I’ll wait outside. I don’t really need courage. What the heck good does courage do for a bureau cat anyway? I just want to go back to my desk. Have a nice quiet lunch. See ya later guys. Bureaucat starts to leave. Tin Man stops him. TIN MAN: Come on fur face. Buck up. The intern reappears with a chipper smile on her face. CHATTY CAPPY: Guess what! The Wuzard will see you. SCARECROW: Just like that? CHATTY CAPPY: Just like that. I guess you do have influence. NARRATOR: She winks saucily at the scarecrow as he passes and he pinches her butt. TIN MAN: (Whispers) You idiot! What were you thinking? SCARECROW: I don’t know. She likes me. She’s kind of cute, don’t you think? BUREAUCAT: Wroor ruf. NARRATOR: The little group is ushered into the well of the capitol. There is a long table and a microphone in the center of the room. On the other side of the table is a large raised dais which is empty. The here is a great empty pause, then US: I am US, the strong and invincible, who are you and why are you bothering me? LIBERTY: Where are you? US: I am here. Just speak into the microphone. LIBERTY: I am Liberty, uh, the, uh, oh, well… and, these are my friends US: Silence whippersnapper. I know who you are. LIBERTY: Then why’d you ask? US: Cheeky twit, you dare to ask my help to get you back to New York City? Do I look like a Greyhound Bus? LIBERTY: Uh… No. I… US: You, Scarecrow. Scarecrow totters up to the mike. Yes your honor…. US: You wispy, chinless, beer swilling sack of straw. You have the audacity to come here asking for a brain. SCARECROW: Well, I met liberty and she and I and I thought…. US: YOU THOUGHT!!! US: And you, Tin Man Tin man clatters up to the microphone US: You cadaverous, clattering, clanking clutter of canisters. You want a heart, do you? TIN MAN: Yes, well, I mean, I was hoping…. US: IDIOT. And Bureaucat Bureaucat doesn’t stick around to hear what US has to say about him. He runs screaming out of the room. Liberty, Tin Man and Scarecrow are whispering among themselves and starting to back out of the room US: BE STILL!! US has every intention of granting your requests. LIBERTY: (Amazed) you do? US: Yes. But before I do, you are going to have to do one tiny little task for me. Tin Man and Scarecrow huddled together: Uh oh. LIBERTY: What task is that oh strong and invincible US US: I want you to go to Iraq and disarm Saddam. Dead silence Scarecrow starts laughing. SCARECROW: Oh man. I may be brainless but I ain’t that stupid. You want us to go to Iraq and destroy Saddam’s weapons? Tin Man joins in the mirth. TIN MAN: I don’t think I have the heart for that, Mr. Wuzard. LIBERTY (Shaking her head ruefully): I was pretty sick of New York anyway. US:I’m serious about this. Scarecrow, how are you ever gonna be reelected if you don’t do something to really kick terrorism’s ass, huh? Don’t you want to get the guy who tried to kill your Daddy? You have to finish what he started. Besides, isn’t it your God-given duty to democratize the Middle East? SCARECROW: Yeah, you’re right. Why didn’t I think of that? US: You don’t have a brain, remember? (To himself “dumb sucker) SCARECROW Oh yeah. US: And Liberty, are you satisfied sitting on that stupid little island of yours? Why, you could be out there doing something meaningful. You could liberate all the down trodden women in the Middle East. Don’t you care about those poor creatures? They’re just dying to be liberated. LIBERTY: That’s a low blow. Of course I’m sick of sitting on that stinking island. My face should be seen in the desert. And of course women’s rights are important, too. US (seductively): Don’t forget what those horrible terrorists did to your city. LIBERTY: That’s right! Oh, but that wasn’t Saddam. That was some other guy. I forget his name. US: Who cares? They’re all the same out there in the desert. A bunch of Godless animals. You’re the essence of ‘Merica, Liberty. You’ve got to spread your wings, girl, and fly. LIBERTY: You’re right. I have a mission! I won’t have to wear those horrible black robes will I? I don’t look good in black. US: Of course not. You’ll be a standard bearer for freedom. Wear your green with pride, woman! TIN MAN: (to Bureaucat who has crept back into the room) uh oh, I’m not sure I like how this is going. LIBERTY: How would we get to the Middle East, oh great and powerful Oz? US: You’d go as UN weapons inspectors. LIBERTY: Uh, won’t Saddam try to stop us? US: Of course not. You’d going under the flag of international diplomacy. SCARECROW: I thought the UN was an irrelevant bureaucratic impediment. US: Of course it is. But it can be useful at times. This is one of them. TIN MAN and BUREAUCAT: Hey you guys, you aren’t seriously thinking about this are you? Liberty and Scarecrow look at each other. LIBERTY: I don’t know. It sounds like it might be kind of fun. SCARECROW: What harm can we do? We might just bring about world peace and democracy. BUREAUCAT: You might start a war. US: Tish tosh. SCARECROW: A war? That would be exciting. Shake thing up. Get my public’s mind off of other things, like AIDS decimating Africa, and global warming. Boy. If the war runs into summer, it might just keep people’s mind off the weather. Then they’ll take vacations and spend a lot of money and shore up the economy. Where’s my cell phone? I’m gonna send a few hundred thousand soldiers to Kuwait. Get them primed and ready. Maybe even set off an international incident or two. That’s always fun. What do you think Liberty? LIBERTY: I think it’s just what the country needs to help it get over Post Traumatic Trade Center Syndrome. SCARECROW: What’s that? LIBERTY: Never mind. You already have too much to think about. SCARECROW: Right. So, (turning to Tin man and Bureaucrat) are you guys in, or out? TIN MAN: Fuck it. I don’t have a heart. What do I care? But I do have a brain. If you do this and I’m not behind you, I’m out of a job in a year or so, right? SADDAM: You got it. How about you Bureaucat? What do you want to do? BUREAUCAT: I don’t have the guts to tell you what I think. But I ain’t stupid. If I want to be the first black president I’d better stick to you like glue. SCARECROW: Alright! Are we gonna do this thing or what? Act Three NARRATOR: The four travelers are on a bumpy helicopter ride, about to be set down near the border of Iraq, in Kuwait LIBERTY: Oh God, I’m even greener than I was before we took off. This is awful. SCARECROW: I’m glad I’m made of straw. I’d be hocking up chunks if I were flesh and blood. BUREAUCAT: Thanks a lot, numb nuts. Now I’m really gonna loose it. (He barfs into a bag, coughs and recovers) What the Hell was I thinking of, going along with you jerks? I’m a chicken shit. I have a yellow streak so wide it’s taken over my entire body. TIN MAN: Oh, buck up. This is kind of fun. Gets the juices going. If I had a heart it’d be pounding away right now. BUREAUCAT: Nah. You’d probably have a heart attack you cantankerous old clunking clutter of cans. TIN MAN: Wanna put your money where your mouth is, fat cat? BUREAUCAT: If I had the nerve, I would. SCARECROW: Yeah, he would. If he had the guts, I bet he’d be King of the Cabinet today, not a sniveling civil servant. TIN MAN: Would not. LIBERTY: Yes he would. This is what he’d look like. Stand up for a minute Bureaucat. Bureau cat complies Liberty grabs an old blanket from the floor and wraps it around Bureaucat like a robe, and puts her crown on his head. LIBERTY: See. He’d be great. BUREAUCAT: Yeah. I’d be great. I’d be the baddest bureau cat on the block. If I were King of the Cabinet Not Treasurer or Secretary of Defense I’d reach out for power and grab it I wouldn’t spend time on the fence (Bureaucat to SADDAM: No offense intended) (Scarecrow leans over to Liberty and whispers: Did you tell him about that?) (Liberty whispers back: No. I swear) I’d be a beast, not a wus or a puff I’d travel the halls with a woof and a wrooff I’d show my claw and I’d get applause If I, if I, were King Bureaucat is cut off by the intercom coming from the pilot. Pilot: Were landing lady and gentle… um, err, creatures. Welcome to Kuwait. The four travelers saddle up and tumble out of the helicopter. With the exception of Liberty, they are all wearing desert combat fatigues and they all have big signs on their backs reading UN weapons inspector. Pilot: Well, this is it folks. Good hunting. After the helicopter flies off the travelers look at each other uneasily. LIBERTY: Now what do we do? I don’t know about you, but I’d feel better if I had a weapon or two. Which way’s Iraq, anyway? BUREAUCAT: Look, over there, I think I see the oil slick road. It’s mostly covered with sand, but it’s there. SCARECROW: You’re right. Look Liberty. We can follow the oil slick road, even here in the bowels of the axis of evil. The oil slick road is everywhere. We can follow it to Baghdad, find Saddam’s hoards of weapons and destroy them once and for all. By God, I’m gonna finish up what my daddy started. With any luck, I’ll be home in time for Leno. NARRATOR: Liberty takes a look around. Behind her she sees thousands of soldiers sitting in the desert playing little Nintendo games, getting ready for war. LIBERTY: Oh my gosh, look what’s behind us. We’d better get those weapons fast or there’s gonna be hell to pay. What in the world were you thinking, sending all these poor boys into the desert? They think war is gonna be like shooting fish in a barrel. NARRATOR: Meanwhile in Baghdad, Saddam’s tapping away at his laptop. SADDAM: Curses, those infidels are at my back door. My suicide bombers failed. I’ve got to cook up something else for them. Something unpleasant, scratchy, itchy, irritating. Yes. Sand, sand. A nice sand storm will stop them. NARRATOR: In the Kuwaiti desert the wind picks up and a nasty sand storm hits the travelers and the soldiers full force. Scarecrow is swept up into the air and lands in the middle of the American troops. Tin man gets all gunked up and his joints freeze. Liberty and Bureaucat hunker down with their pup tents and try to weather it out. The wind blows and howls. The good spook of the north is, of course useless, having lost all his power when he gummed up the election three years ago. Finally the wind dies down. Bureaucat and Liberty dig out and dust each other off. Bureaucat drinks what’s left of the water. LIBERTY: Christ, what a blow job. I wonder where Scarecrow and Tin Man have got to. BUREAUCAT: I don’t know, but I think they’re on their own now. Tin man’s feelings won’t be hurt. He’s a heartless creature. He’ll just keep getting gunked up. Last I saw of Scarecrow he was flying away towards the army. I’ll bet he landed on his feet. If he landed on his head, well, he doesn’t have a brain so, no damage done. He was all hot and heavy on the idea of war. Let him get a taste of what it’s like. Dumb damn cowboy. LIBERTY: So should we go on without them? BUREAUCAT: What else can we do? LIBERTY: You’re right. You know, that sand storm gave me a nice cleaning. I haven’t felt this good in, oh, about a century. Nothing like a good sandblasting for the complexion. How do I look? Am I brighter, shinier? Bureau cat: Oh for Christ’s sake. Can we focus? LIBERTY: Humph. BUREAUCAT: Alright (sarcastically) you look more beautiful than the fucking Sphinx. We need a plan. We’re out here in the middle of the desert without any water and we need to get to Baghdad. LIBERTY: Well. I don’t need water. Maybe I’ll just stand here for a hundred years or so and see if the huddled masses miss me. I don’t get any appreciation and now here I am stuck in the desert with a cowardly bureau cat. This sucks big time. BUREAUCAT: You. It’s always about you. Poor little Liberty sucked away from her Island. Oh, Bureaucat (talking to himself), she says to me so sweetly, why don’t you come with us. I’m sure US will give you some courage. Well, you can sit and erode in the desert for all I care. I’m going to Baghdad to pursue some diplomacy. LIBERTY: Not without me, you’re not. BUREAUCAT: Oh, so now you’re coming? What if I don’t want you? Who needs you, anyway? LIBERTY: But, I’m Liberty. I stand for American Freedom. Everyone needs me. BUREAUCAT: You know what I think? I think you’ve gone mad, just like your twisted sister, Justice. LIBERTY: You leave her out of it. I’m coming with you, like it or not. What’ll you do when Saddam bars his teeth at you? You’ll turn and run. BUREAUCAT: Will not. LIBERTY: Will too. NARRATOR: Tin Man comes squeaking and clattering up. Tim Man: Hey you guys. Have you seen my oil can? BUREAUCAT: I’ve got it over here. NARRATOR: Bureaucat does his best to un-gunk Tin Man TIN MAN: Ah, that’s better. BUREAUCAT: We’d given you up as lost. TIN MAN: Typical. Everyone forgets about the vice-president. Just remember, I’m a heart beat away, so to speak, from the presidency. Where is the old straw head, anyway? LIBERTY: Last we saw him he was flying into the Army camp. TIN MAN: Just as well. He needs to chat up the troops. Give them something to keep them interested, fit, and in fighting form. Poor little brainless twit. That’s about all he’s good for. LIBERTY: Do you think there’s going to be a war? TIN MAN: Didn’t you hear him back there talking to US? He’s ready to ride the first bomb down. So what’s the plan, guys? Are we going to Baghdad? LIBERTY: There’s the road over there. BUREAUCAT: To Baghdad? LIBERTY and TIN MAN: To Baghdad We’re off to see the bad spook The evil spook of Iraq We hear he is a kook of a spook If ever a spook there was If ever oh ever a spook there was The spook of Iraq is one because Because because because because because Because of the horrible things he does We’re off to see the bad spook The evil spook of Iraq NARRATOR: The three travelers dance down the oil slick road. Bureaucat uses his teeth to cut through the barbed wire at the border between Kuwait and Iraq. They’re passing by an oil rig when the arm of a crane swings over and snatches Liberty and hauls her away. TIN MAN: Oh no. Now what are we going to do? BUREAUCAT: Well, the way I see it, this isn’t such a bad development. Liberty did stick out like a sore thumb. TIN MAN: More like the Jolly Green Giant. BUREAUCAT: Right. It would have been pretty difficult to slip into Saddam’s compound unnoticed with her in tow. TIN MAN: You got that right. But shouldn’t we look for her? Try to save her? BUREAUCAT: No. Think of her a collateral damage. TIN MAN: You gutless wonder. But you’re right. It’s an acceptable loss – an unavoidable cost of an operation like this. BUREAUCAT: I’m gutless and you’re heartless. What do you say we hitch a ride back to the States? TIN MAN: Huh un. We’ve got a job to do. Time to make our way into Baghdad. BUREAUCAT: Aren’t we were going in as arms inspectors. TIN MAN: Look at us. Who would believe we’re arms inspectors? BUREAUCAT: I don’t know. Scarecrow maybe. They both laugh. TIN MAN: Don’t worry, I have a plan. They whisper to each other. NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Liberty is hauled into Saddam’s compound and deposited at his front door. SADDAM: Well, my pretty, now that I have you, what am I going to do with you? Liberty is the last thing I need. LIBERTY: What about the trade agreements, the sanctions. SADDAM: What good are they to me now, when I have a quarter million enemy soldiers on my doorstep? LIBERTY: Well. That’s a problem. But you have me. Why don’t you just step down and set your people free. They want Liberty. Look at all those poor women. They all want to be democratized. You know they do. What woman in her right mind would give up the chance for a day shopping at Macy’s, or a trip to the nail salon? Just think, they could throw off those ugly old clothes and color coordinates their wardrobes. They could get good cosmetics. They could even color their hair blond if they wanted to. They could have their own credit cards and SUVs to drive their little sheiks and princesses around in. And your children. Just think what I can offer them. Endless hours of mindless TV and video games. The smart ones can go on to learn about computers or get jobs in fast food restaurants. They can have their own cars at 16 and spend their days lying in the sun, pretending the desert is a beach, and playing rap music far into the night. They could even marry Americans. SADDAM: Shut up, woman! You’re driving me mad. One more word and I’ll cut out your tongue. The Wuzard of US LIBERTY: Oh, you are evil, just like everyone warned me. I’ll bet you have Anthrax and Risin and small pox and all kinds of other nasty weapons. SADDAM: Yes, yes, I admit it. And I’ll use them all on you if you don’t BE STILL! (To himself: Muhammad, what am I going to do with this creature?) LIBERTY: It’s simple. Give me all your weapons and send me back to Washington. SADDAM: No, my pretty. I’ve got a better idea. I’m going to melt you down and turn you into missiles which I’ll arm with everything nasty I’ve collected over the years. I’ll aim them at Kuwait and Israel. What do you think of that? LIBERTY: That’s beastly. It’s unthinkable. You’re worse than the devil. SADDAM: It’s what you get for meddling. When you stick your nose into a bee’s nest you get stung. That’s the price you pay for stealing honey. LIBERTY: What are you talking about? I’m not after honey. You’re a terrible threat to the world. I have to depose you and spread my grace upon your land. SADDAM: What a load of crap. Am I so different from a dozen other horrible despots reigning here and there around the world? Why’d US pick me? LIBERTY: You’re an evil terrorist. You’re connected to Ben Laden, and all of the horrible things happening around the world. SADDAM: I didn’t empower Ben Laden. By Allah, child, read the newspaper once in a while. Do you think US would give a fart about Iraq if it wasn’t sitting on a pool of oil? ‘Mercans are addicted to oil. All the fat, middle aged children of the flower power generation who wanted peace and good will for mankind and a clean environment, and now go to work in SUVs, jetting around the country eating exotic foods all year round are driven by oil, the blood of my desert, Liberty, your freedom has become very costly. The time is coming when you will re-join the third world with its squalor and famine, pestilence and plague. If there is a world left at the end of the play. So, my dear, what should I do? Should I let your Scarecrow loose the dark horse of war upon the world? Should I set the oil fields on fire? Or should I throw up my hands, and give US my oil? And what will US do with my Country after I leave? Turn it into a theme park? LIBERTY: Stop it. I don’t want to hear it. American is only trying to spread its wonderful life style to the poor down trodden masses and make you give up your dirty weapons. Saddam gives Liberty an evil leer. SADDAM: I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. LIBERTY: I don’t feel so good. I want to go home. SADDAM: Huh uh. You and your cohorts started this. I’m going to finish it. LIBERTY: You think so? You can melt me down and use me as a missile, but you still have most of America’s military camped out down the road. Why don’t you just disarm? We can walk out of here together. I’ll protect you. (She gives him the once over). Who knows you might get to like me if you get a little taste of me. SADDAM (disgustedly): Better I should pull down my pants, bend over and tell US to stick it in. You are such a child. You will make a wonderful missile or two, or three. I have a feeling I’m going to need them. You’ll stay here under guard until I’m ready to smelt you. That should take about, oh, as long as it takes for the sand to pass through the hour glass. It’s been so nice chatting with you. NARRATOR: Saddam re-enters the castle. Liberty tries to stand steady, but tears course down her face. Her arm trembles as it hold the torch. LIBERTY: Oh dear. What am I going to do? I know! (Brightening) I’ll use my feminine charms on him. Freedom can be very seductive. I’ll win him over. I know I can do it. NARRATOR: Meanwhile Tin Man and Bureaucat have crept into the city and managed to overwhelm a couple of Iraqi soldiers, strip them, tie them up and don their uniforms. They fall into line with the rest of the column and march into the compound. There is a call to prayer, and all fall onto their knees facing east. They get up and continue their march chanting IRAQI SOLDIERS: Allah h uhu akbar, Allah h uhu akbar…. Tin Man and Bureaucat drop out of formation and go off in search of the weapons. TIN MAN: Where do you think he keeps them? BUREAUCAT: I don’t know. They could be anywhere. Your guess is as good as mine. Ouch, you clumsy oaf. You stepped on my tail. TIN MAN: Put a lid on it fuzz face, there’s soldiers over there. NARRATOR: They slip into a hall way. NARRATOR: Back at the Kuwaiti border, Scarecrow has mustered his troops, crossed over the border and is entering Baghdad. But time is running out for Liberty. Saddam returns to the courtyard SADDAM: Liberty, it’s time for you to meet your maker. LIBERTY (bating her eyelashes and smiling seductively): Saddam, you look so handsome and virile in your combat attire. Sit. See how beautiful I am when I dance? She starts to dance around Saddam, mimicking a harem girl. SADDAM: What is this, woman? I want no part of your Western ways. LIBERTY: Poor man, you must get so lonely in your desert compound. SADDAM: Lonely. Bah. I can have any woman I want. What would I want with a hunk of Western junk like you? LIBERTY: Don’t you ever wonder what it would be like to climb into bed with an American icon? She dances and swirls around him. Saddam gives her a scornful laugh. SADDAM: You think I’ve never been in bed with a Westerner before? Perhaps if you were French or Russian I would be interested. But you are the slave my mortal enemy, the evil US. LIBERTY (angrily): I’m no slave. I’m the quintessential American: The founding mother. Saddam holds up a mirror. SADDAM: Behold yourself, woman. You’re ragged and tattered and torn. You’ve been eviscerated over the years. You’re barely a shadow of what you once were. LIBERTY: How dare you, you megalomaniacal tyrant? You torture children and enslave women. SADDAM: And you let yourself be whittled away by self interested, oil guzzling, billionaires who sell arms under the table and rape the ecology while they speak self-righteously of freedom. They take everything for their bulbous, beef glutted children, hasten us to extinction yet cry fowl when we try to keep what is ours. Bah. LIBERTY: That’s it. I’ve heard enough. Liberty rushes at Saddam and whacks him over the head with her torch. He falls to his knees and she runs out of the room. The guards don’t bother to chase her. Tin Man and Bureaucat have heard the argument and meet Liberty as she rushes down the hallway. LIBERTY: Oh, thank heaven you’re here. Let’s get away before Saddam comes to and turns me into a missile or two. TIN MAN: Liberty you’re safe! Thank God. BUREAUCAT: Can we get out of here now? This place gives me the creeps. LIBERTY: Where’s Scarecrow? TIN MAN: Last we saw of him he was caught in a sand storm flying towards the army. LIBERTY: Wow. I’ll bet he’s started his war. We’d better get out of here before all Hell breaks loose. NARRATOR: Right on cue the air raid siren starts to shriek. BUREAUCAT: Incoming. Run for it. NARRATOR: They dash off the stage as thousands of missiles begin to rain upon Baghdad. All hell breaks loose. A hush falls upon the city. THE CURTAIN FALLS THE FINAL ACT, VERSION 1 Scarecrow rides triumphantly into town in an ice cream truck with a large cone on top doubling for a radar dish. The truck is playing the so, so familiar Mr. Softie slogan and is the lead vehicle of a circus parade. Scarecrow is flanked by US soldiers handing our ice cream and pamphlets. In addition pamphlets and balloons are falling from US Military air support. The second vehicle in the parade is a media caravan with all of the Network Insignia. It likewise has a satellite dish on top. The next vehicle is a huge RV with “Disney, McDonalds, Nike, Budweiser, Coca Cola, various American automobile, and Universal Studios insignia on its side. There is an excited, carnival-like atmosphere in the air. Ronald McDonald clowns and life-sized Disney characters are working the crowd, explaining about plans for the theme park and the nutritional value of junk food. Several recent Oscar winners are vying for media attention. Saddam and his entourage head off into the desert on camels. No one pays any attention until Liberty points at their disappearing silhouettes. Liberty: Well, I guess they won’t have to stop or gas on their way out of town. Scarecrow: (shouting) All is well. The ‘Mercans are here. Your liberators have finally arrived. The ‘Mercan contingent breaks into song” Ding dong, the spook is gone Which old spook? The Mid East spook Ding dong the Mid East spook is gone High ho gas prices go Sing it high, sing it low Ding dong the Mid East spook is gone He’s gone where Ben Laden’s gone So long, so long, so long So long, so long so long now sing And sing the song Ding dong the spook is gone Drop your guns or you’ll be dead Don’t you know the wicked spook is gone? Put down your weapons peacefully and join the celebration. Shock and awe, part II is about to begin. Iraqi soldier: What’s that? Scarecrow: It’s the first stage of the ‘Mercan reconstruction plan. Now that we’ve taken your land and secured the oil fields (of course you’ll be compensated in ‘Mercan dollars) we going to finish leveling this area and construct a huge amusement park. Everything you’ve ever desired will be right here at your finger tips. And you’ll even have the dollars to pay for it. If you’re lucky, you may be selected to receive twenty acres and a camel. Liberty, Tin Man and Bureaucat see Scarecrow and join him in front of the ice cream truck. Scarecrow, Tin man and Bureaucat hug excitedly. Liberty holds back, looking in wonder at the enfolding show. Bureaucat: Boy that was a scary war. I thought I was toast. Liberty: That evil spook was going to melt me down. Scarecrow: Well we showed them, didn’t we? I think the troops can have everything under control now. We can go home. I’ve called for Air Force One to fly us back to Washington in comfort. Bureaucat: We’ve earned a break. Tin Man: That’s for sure. Uh. Don’t forget to fill my oil can on the way out. The desert’s been hell on my metal. Scarecrow (smiling expansively): No problem, pardner. There’s plenty of that now; For a while, anyway. NARRATOR: Back at the Capitol Narrator: The four travelers have been feted and feasted, and made much of by the media. They’re cleaned up and in great spirits. The war, they hear, is going well and is winding down. They figure they’ve earned their rewards from US. They arrive at the door of the capitol and ring the bell. Chatty Cappy: You again. Can’t you read the sign? In unison: What sign? Chatty Cappy looks down. Seeing no sign Chatty Cappy: Oh for heaven’s sake. Here. She places a sign on the door knob and slams the door shut. In unison they read: Bell out of order. Please knock. Liberty bangs on the door. Chatty opens it. Chatty Cappy: That’s better. Now, what do you want? Liberty: We’ve come to see the Wizard. Tell him it’s us and we’ve done everything and more that he asked. We’re here for our rewards. Chatty Cappy: Humph. I’ll see if you will be received. US’s very busy. There’s a war on you know. Scarecrow: Duh. (To Tin Man.) What a bimbo) The door slams shut. Liberty: Crap! After all we’ve done you’d think we’d get a better reception than that. The doors open again after only a brief pause. Chatty Cappy: You must be important. US will see you right away. The travelers walk up to the microphone together US: I AM US THE GREAT AND POWERFUL. YOU HAVE SERVED ME WELL Liberty: That’s right. Now it’s time to pay up. US: Uhh, er, well…. There’s this little budget problem, you see…. The war was rather expensive, after all. THAT’S YOUR FAULT SCARECROW. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, ANYWAY? Scarecrow: ME? I wasn’t thinking. That’s why I came to you to begin with, remember? Duh. Now, are you going to give me a brain or not? US: I don’t know. Maybe if I postpone the tax cut, diddle the figures. I might be able to find a way. You’re probably good for another term. (Thoughtfully, to himself) You might still be of use to me, even if you have a brain. I don’t necessarily have to give you a good one, do I? Tin Man: What about me? You promised me a heart. US: I’m really sorry but it won’t be possible. Artificial hearts are awful expensive. Do you have a good health plan? Medicaid won’t cover it you, you know. You’re too old and can—tankerous. Tin Man: Why, you double dealing son of a …. US: Don’t blame me. It was a bureaucratic oversight. Tin man turns angrily towards Bureaucat who cringes Bureaucat: Ah, come on, it’s not my fault. I didn’t know. And even if I did….. You have to have a lot of guts to take on issues like that. And I just don’t. That’s what I’m here for. Pay up, buster! US: GODDAMN IT. I DON’T HAVE TO GIVE YOU COURAGE IF I DON’T WANT TO! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE COMING IN HERE MAKING DEMANDS ANYWAY? Bureaucat: That’s it. I’m out of here. He turns and starts to leave US: YOU DON’T LEAVE UNTIL I TELL YOU TO LEAVE! Narrator: Bureaucat collapses in terror, clutching his chest. He lands on wires which lift a curtain revealing an American consumer sitting on a couch watching a huge TV wearing a sweat suit. The consumer’s sex is indeterminate. S/he’s eating microwave popcorn and smoking a cigarette. S/he stares, transfixed at the TV flicking from channel to channel. War news and soap operas are interspersed with auto ads, ads for politicians, etc. Game shows offer free cars, trips and anything else an American consumer could want. The back wall of the living room is covered with pictures of cars, and advertising slogans. The house is filled with electronic gadgets children’s toys and empty fast food containers. Liberty: Of course he can leave. It’s a free country, isn’t it? US: HOW DARE YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION? I DON’T HAVE TO SEND YOU BACK TO NEW YORK, YOU KNOW! I CAN SEND YOU OFF TO A LITTLE BACK-WATER NATION AND WATCH YOU LANGUISH! Liberty: You could try. Or maybe you’d rather melt me down and turn me into missiles. What country would you aim them at next? US: Ahh, lighten up fer Chrissakes, Liberty. And get your rusty butt out of the way of the TV. You’re interfering with reception. Narrator: US looks at his/er watch. Mom: Opps gotta go. Time to pick up the kids. FINAL ACT, VERSION 2 NARRATOR: When the curtain rises Baghdad is in flames. A horrible cloud of black smoke covers the sky. The morning is as dark as midnight. Liberty, Tin Man and Bureaucat are huddled together under a fallen Saddam placard. The flame in Liberty’s torch has burned out. LIBERTY: Coughing. Man, this is worse than being stuck in Lincoln Tunnel during rush hour. Look. What’s that on the horizon? (Liberty points towards the western border where a shadowy crowd is forming.) It looks like a crowd of people. They’re coming this way. I’ll bet it’s the Iraqi people rushing towards Freedom. TIN MAN: No. That doesn’t make any sense. I don’t see any Baghdaddys in the crowd. I’ll bet its Saddam’s finest coming in from the hills to surrender in shock and awe. (He squints into the darkness.) No. They’re wearing night vision goggles. They must be ‘Mercan troops. Halleluiah! They sure took their sweet time getting here. I wonder what took them so long. NARRATOR: The crowd draws closer. They’re wearing tee shirts with peace signs on them and carrying antiwar placards along with their state of the art weaponry. DEMONSTRATORS: (Singing) Where have all the sand dunes gone Long time passing Where have all the sand dunes gone, long time ago Where have all the sand dunes gone, gone to oil everyone When will they ever learn when will they ever lean Where have all the soldiers gone Gone to (opps, wrong verse) Where has all the oil gone…? Gone to bankers every drop When will they ever learn, when will they ever learn Where have all the bankers gone… Gone to autos everyone When will they ever learn, when will they ever learn Where have all the autos gone…. Gone to soldiers every one When will they ever learn, when will they ever learn Where have all the soldiers gone…. Gone to sand dunes everyone When will they ever learn, when will they ever lean PROTESTERS: (a cacophonous medley) All we are saying is give peace a chance…. War, what is it good for, absolutely nothing Michael Row Your Boat A Shore Come on all you big strong men, Uncle Sam needs your help again BUREAUCAT: (with fear in his voice) Those aren’t soldiers, they’re antiwar demonstrators. TIN MAN: Boy, do they look mean! We’d have been safer if they’d been soldiers or civilians. BUREAUCAT: They’ve seen us! Let’s get out of here. Oh no, what’ll we do, what’ll we do? LIBERTY: Calm down. I have an idea. NARRATOR: The travelers are about to be engulfed by the angry peace mob when Liberty starts waiving and smiling. LIBERTY: (calls out to the crowd.) Hallo, hi! We’re the advance press corp. It’s so good to see you. Things were getting dangerous around here and we were afraid we were going to have to go out looking for a story. (She holds out her torch.) See. I have a microphone. Now don’t all talk at once. NARRATOR: The demonstrators immediately stop threatening the travelers and start pushing and shoving each other, jockeying for positions in front of the mike. DEMONSTRATOR 1 to DEMONSTRATOR 2: How do we know they’re press? They don’t have a camera. DEMONSTRATOR 2: Who else would be stupid enough to sit in the middle of a bombed out city waiting for the war to arrive? Besides they look familiar. I’m sure I’ve seen them on TV. DEMONSTRATOR 3: Hey, I recognize the woman. Isn’t that Barbara Walters? DEMONSTRATOR 2: No. It’s Joan Rivers. Hey Joan! Over here! I love your show! DEMONSTRATOR 3: Who are the other two? I’m sure I know their faces. DEMONSTRATOR 1: Who cares, as long as they spell our names right. NARRATOR: The travelers spend several hours interviewing the protestors. They’re all great friends by lunch time. There’s still no sign of either army although they hear the sound of occasional bombs and missiles. Distant artillery fire sounds like thunder. Together with the smoke and fire it seems like some mad Valkyrian nightmare. As time passes a few Baghdaddys venture out from under the rubble, acting as if it’s everything’s normal. LIBERTY: (to herself.) I know I’m going to wake up on Liberty Island any second now. BUREAUCAT: (peevishly) Where the Hell is everyone? Who’s running this war anyway. Such inefficiency. Good, God, all this down time is going to cause a budget overrun. Its time for lunch already. I thought the military was going to provide meals for everyone. Where the hell’s the damn food!! NARRATOR: On cue Scarecrow rides triumphantly into town in an ice cream truck with a large cone on top doubling for a radar dish. Scarecrow is flanked by US soldiers handing our ice cream and pamphlets. In addition pamphlets and balloons are falling from US Military air support. The second vehicle in the parade is a media caravan with all of the Network Insignia. It likewise has a satellite dish on top. The next vehicle is a huge RV with “Disney, McDonalds, Nike, Budweiser, Coca Cola, various American automobile, and Universal Studios insignia on its side. There is an excited, carnival-like atmosphere in the air. Ronald McDonald clowns and life-sized Disney characters are working the crowd, explaining about plans for the theme park and the nutritional value of junk food. Several recent Oscar winners are vying for media attention. SCARECROW: (shouting) All is well. The ‘Mercans are here. Your liberators have finally arrived. Put down your weapons peacefully and join the celebration. Shock and awe, part II is about to begin. The Wuzard of US BAGHDADDY: What’s that? SCARECROW: It’s the first stage of the ‘Mercan reconstruction plan. Now that we’ve taken your land and secured the oil fields (of course you’ll be compensated in ‘Mercan dollars) we going to finish leveling this area and construct a huge amusement park. Everything you’ve ever desired will be right here at your finger tips. And you’ll even have the dollars to pay for it. If you’re lucky, you may be selected to receive twenty acres and a camel. BAGHDADDY: But where’s the food, the medical supplies…. SCARECROW: Uh, they’ll be delayed a bit. Most of US soldiers can’t come in here. It’s too dangerous. NARRATOR: Iraqi soldiers appear as if by magic and join the Baghdaddys and demonstrators. They rush the ‘Mercans. Demonstrators lambaste ‘Mercans and Baghdaddyes with slogans and placards. The press adds to the confusion, interrupting the engagement with camera shoots and interviews. Words fly like bullets. The verbal onslaught becomes dirty, bitter and underhanded. The allegations escalate. Each side utters atrocities. All reason is lost. The participants proceed to dismantle Saddam’s Baghdad piece by piece. General mayhem ensues. Property disappears like magic. The party turns ugly. Iraqui’s begin disappearing. The scene is like a bad FOX TV reality show. After a while the press looses interest so everyone remaining hunkers down and dig in for the night. Liberty, Tin Man and Bureaucat see Scarecrow and join him in front of the ice cream truck. Scarecrow, Tin man and Bureaucat hug excitedly. Liberty holds back, looking in wonder at the western sky. LIBERTY: Oh, look! Fire works. Maybe the war’s over. SCARECROW: Uh oh. BUREAUCAT: What now? SCARECROW: Those aren’t fireworks. Looks like the war’s gonna to be bigger that I thought. LIBERTY: What’s happening? SCARECROW: (Smiling proudly) Syria’s joined the dance. LIBERTY: That’s terrible. SCARECROW: I don’t know. It’s all a matter of perspective. But I think this might be a good time to get out of Dodge. What’d ya say we slip out and head for Kuwait. BUREAUCAT: Sounds like a good idea to me. This is getting scary. I thought I was toast. NARRATOR: Liberty spots a camel caravan heading out of town, gathering Saddam placards on the way. LIBERTY: Look over there! Saddam’s and his cronies have got the same idea we have. Good riddance. That evil spook was going to melt me down. SCARECROW: Well we showed them, didn’t we? I’ve called for Air Force One to fly us back to Washington in comfort. LIBERTY: (Scornfully) Look at that rag tag bunch. Leaving on Camels, no less. Guess they won’t have to gas up on their way out. NARRATOR: The travelers break into song as they march off towards Kuwait Ding dong, the spook is gone Which old spook? The Mid East spook Ding dong the Mid East spook is gone High ho gas prices go Sing it high, sing it low Ding dong the Mid East spook is gone He’s gone where Ben Laden’s gone So long, so long, so long So long, so long so long now sing And sing the song Ding dong the spook is gone Drop your guns or you’ll be dead Don’t you know the wicked spook is gone? NARRATOR: Just as they arrive in Kuwait they hear a huge bang. They turn towards Baghdad and see a huge mushroom cloud BUREAUCAT: Oh no. Baghdad’s been nuked. SCARECROW: Nah. That was just big bertha. It’s okay. There’s no radiation. Just a lot of sand and dust. No worse than a minor meteor touching down. It was just for show. Left a damn big hole in the desert, though (chuckling). No long term ramifications. BUREAUCAT, TIN MAN AND LIBERTY: Oh, it’s all right then. NARRATOR: A low rumble comes from the bowels of the earth. The desert ripples as if it were an ocean. There is a huge sucking sound and Iraq settles into a deep sink hole. SCARECROW: Opps. I never though of that. LIBERTY: (Angrily) What do you mean, whoops? You just caused Atlantis II. SCARECROW: Ah hell, don’t blame me, Liberty. It’s collateral damage. You know. An unavoidable loss. Besides, it may not be as bad as it looks. TIN MAN: Yeah, sure. Like we’re really going to win the next election after this. How could it be worse? SCARECROW: Heck. When everything settles there’s going to be a great big lake of oil there for the taking. All we’ll have to do is build a pipeline…. LIBERTY: You’re insane. Haven’t you learned anything? SCARECROW: Of course not. The four travelers laugh. NARRATOR: They arrive at the airstrip in high spirits. Air Force One is fueled up and ready to go when they arrive. BUREAUCAT: (Heaving a sigh of relief.) We’ve earned a break. TIN MAN: That’s for sure. Uh. Don’t forget to fill my oil can on the way out. The desert’s been hell on my metal. SCARECROW (smiling expansively): No problem, pardner. There’s plenty of that now; For a while, anyway. NARRATOR: Back at The Capitol NARRATOR: The four travelers have been feted and feasted, and made much of by the media. They figure they’ve earned their rewards from US. They arrive at the door of the capitol and ring the bell. CHATTY CAPPY: You again. Can’t you read the sign? In unison: What sign? CHATTY CAPPY: looks down. Seeing no sign CHATTY CAPPY: Oh for heaven’s sake. Here. She places a sign on the door knob and slams the door shut. In unison they read: Bell out of order. Please knock. Liberty bangs on the door. Chatty opens it. CHATTY CAPPY: That’s better. Now, what do you want? LIBERTY: We’ve come to see the Wuzard. Tell him it’s us and we’ve done everything and more that he asked. We’re here for our rewards. CHATTY CAPPY: Humph. I’ll see if you will be received. US’s very busy. There’s a war on you know. SCARECROW: Duh. (To Tin Man. What a bimbo) The door slams shut. LIBERTY: Crap! After all we’ve done you’d think we’d get a better reception than that. The doors open again after only a brief pause. CHATTY CAPPY: You must be important. US will see you right away. The travelers walk up to the microphone together US: I AM US THE GREAT AND POWERFUL. YOU HAVE SERVED ME WELL LIBERTY: That’s right. Now it’s time to pay up. US: Uhh, er, well…. There’s this little budget problem, you see…. The war was rather expensive, after all. THAT’S YOUR FAULT SCARECROW. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, ANYWAY? SCARECROW: ME? I wasn’t thinking. That’s why I came to you to begin with, remember? Duh. Now, are you going to give me a brain or not? US: I don’t know. Maybe if I postpone the tax cut, diddle the figures. I might be able to find a way. You’re probably good for another term. (Thoughtfully, to himself) You might still be of use to me, even if you have a brain. I don’t necessarily have to give you a good one, do I? TIN MAN: What about me? You promised me a heart. US: I’m really sorry but it won’t be possible. Artificial hearts are awful expensive. Do you have a good health plan? Medicaid won’t cover it you, you know. You’re too old and can—tankerous. TIN MAN: Why, you double dealing son of a …. US: Don’t blame me. It was a bureaucratic oversight. Tin man turns angrily towards Bureaucat who cringes BUREAUCAT: Ah, come on, it’s not my fault. I didn’t know. And even if I did….. You have to have a lot of guts, to take on issues like that. And I just don’t. That’s what I’m here for. Pay up, buster! US: GODDAMN IT. I DON’T HAVE TO GIVE YOU COURAGE IF I DON’T WANT TO! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE COMING IN HERE MAKING DEMANDS ANYWAY? BUREAUCAT: That’s it. I’m out of here. He turns and starts to leave US: YOU DON’T LEAVE UNTIL I TELL YOU TO LEAVE! NARRATOR: Bureaucat collapses in terror, clutching his chest. He lands on wires which lift a curtain revealing an American consumer sitting on a couch watching a huge TV wearing a sweat suit. The consumer’s sex is indeterminate. S/he’s eating microwave popcorn and smoking a cigarette. S/he stares, transfixed at the TV flicking from channel to channel. War news and soap operas are interspersed with auto ads, ads for politicians, etc. Game shows offer free cars, trips and anything else an American consumer could want. The back wall of the living room is covered with pictures of cars, and advertising slogans. The house is filled with electronic gadgets children’s toys and empty fast food containers. LIBERTY: Of course he can leave. It’s a free country, isn’t it? US: HOW DARE YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION? I DON’T HAVE TO SEND YOU BACK TO NEW YORK, YOU KNOW! I CAN SEND YOU OFF TO A LITTLE BACK-WATER NATION AND WATCH YOU LANGUISH! LIBERTY: You could try. Or maybe you’d rather melt me down and turn me into missiles. What country would you aim them at next? US: Ahh, lighten up fer Chrissakes, Liberty. And get your rusty butt out of the way of the TV. You’re interfering with reception. NARRATOR: The TV goes off and the lights go out. US: Jesus Christ, what now? (Fiddles with the remote a bit, shrugs her shoulders.) NARRATOR: US looks at his/er watch. US: Opps gotta go. Time to pick up the kids. Oh shit, I’m out of gas. THE CURTAIN FALLS