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The Hardest Answer

By: cawastedyouth



Julia and Lauren were wrapped in each other's arms, the light in Julia's bedroom was set very dim, but Julia could see something she had never imagined she'd see. She had made love to Lauren so many times these past months in all sorts of conditions, but now here just holding Lauren this way, Julia's eyes could not be torn away from Lauren's forearms. The pink scars were at least a half-inch wide in three different stripes below her elbow. Just following her line of consciousness, Julia reached over and touched each scar on Lauren's left arm following the jagged lines of desperation. Lauren shifted, uncomfortably. Julia moved and sat up and touched Lauren's right arm. Here, the knife had not been as accurate but it had been deeper. There was only one cut here.

It was an odd vision to Julia. Certainly Lauren wore shirts that exposed her scars, and when Lauren had returned to school, the scars were there. But here in the moderate light, with Lauren just a breath away, the words escaped her lips before she could stop herself.

"Do you know why you did it?" Julia asked softly stroking Lauren's right arm just above the cut. Julia didn't regret asking the question, knowing that they would have had to address this question one day. And today was as good as any other day to ask this volatile question.

Lauren took a sharp breath, wishing she were wearing a shirt to cover the scars. "Why did you come and find me?" she asked. 

'Why did you ask? We've been going for so long and you never asked.' Lauren's heart accelerated, making it hard for her to swallow.

"It was my job, just like it's your job now." the earnest response drew Lauren to sit up in bed. Julia put an arm around Lauren hoping to coax the truth from her. 

Lauren nearly shut down. She had never imagined she would have to confess this deep in her soul to Julia. She couldn't even fathom looking in Julia's eyes and telling her all that she had gone through trying to vanquish a demon that nearly conquered her. In those thoughts, she remembered the emptiness, the irresolvable fear that gripped her every moment. Lauren opened her mouth, found that the air was dry and that she couldn't form the words. And for a second, Lauren disappeared into herself, the fear bubbling up inside her heart tearing at the scars in her heart that she had worked for so long to heal.

The digital numbers changed again and again to Julia. She knew she was loosing Lauren in her arms. She pulled the white sheets around them, trying to comfort Lauren, hoping that having her closer would shake Lauren from this self-protecting stupor.

Fighting her tears and growing fears that Lauren had locked that part of herself so far away, Julia kissed Lauren's forehead. "I know this is hard for you Lauren. I want to know. If not now, soon Love, let me in, let me help you keep this healed." she whispered. 

Hearing Julia's soft, patient voice brought Lauren back from the edge of fear. "I hadn't figured my way out. I didn't have it bad at all, but things did not seem to get better. I had you to talk to, but I didn't need to talk to you, I needed to talk to my family and that wasn't an option in my world. It still isn't."

Julia pressed further seeing Lauren's pain. "When was the last time you spoke to anyone in your family?" She pulled Lauren closer holding her tight as possible trying to shut away Lauren's anxieties.

"Maybe three years ago now? It's not like they call or send cards or anything." Lauren laid her head on Julia's as Julia's left hand idly stroked her back. 

"Have you felt that depressed any other time?" Julia asked nervously. The answer that hung in the air could bring a whole new perspective, but it was an answer that Julia knew she needed the answer to. 

In a few minutes of silence that stretched like taffy, Lauren thought long and hard. "I've felt 'depressed' mostly because I don't understand what's going on or I've felt lonely and I was unwilling to change things around me to make that shift I needed in my life. But nothing like being hopelessly suicidal." Lauren felt Julia relax. 

'I'd tell you, I hope you'd help me again if I ever felt that bad again.'

The Hardest Answer Any Other Family



I've been working with Lauren and Julia's story for a year now and it's been a pleasure sharing their story with you. Because of a personal choice, I've not posted much of Lauren's and Julia's story online. However, I hoped they, as characters, resonated with readers. I know I'm far from done with Lauren and Julia's path, but I do want to have readers here to find some safe haven with Lauren and Julia's future--I chalk that up to being a part of the 'Disney Generation'. 

Lauren has come quite far from the insecure, lonely, introverted person. Julia who has always been loving, has opened her heart up further. 

If you want to know more about Lauren and Julia, send me a message, but I hope to leave this story here for everyone to enjoy. Thank you for allowing me to share this story with you. And now, the final chapter of The Hardest Answer, but not the final moment of Lauren and Julia, here for Literotica.

*** *** *** *** *** ***

Jeremy was already snoozing across her lap and the television was nearly silently flickering, and Lauren was not too far behind from joining him when Julia gently brushed her fingers across Lauren's lips. Feeling the silken skin with expected callous on the index finger, Lauren opened her eyes halfway opting to kiss the tender fingertips. Julia laughed as quietly as possible and leaned over and drew Lauren into a soft kiss.

"I've got to put him to bed." Julia said with a trace of regret that their intimacy would be so short lived.

Without a word, Lauren carefully slid aside and picked up the dead weight that was Jeremy and hoisted his body against her; he weighted no more than one of her other students in a wheel chair. Gratefully, Julia led Lauren to his room where Julia turned the bed with only the night light to illuminate the entire room and Lauren lowered him into the bed and stepped back allowing Julia to mother the boy, something she did not quite feel comfortable in doing. In fluid, trained motions, Julia stripped her son of his day clothes and put him in his pajamas and tucked him in with a reassuring kiss. While she did so, Lauren glanced about the heavy shadows cast by the small traffic jam of dump trucks and racecars she managed to navigate without stepping on.

"Mommy, where's Lauren? Is she going to tuck me in too?" he asked sleepily.

Julia looked over to Lauren hesitantly. Lauren slowly returned to Jeremy's beside, Lauren kissed two fingers and placed them on his forehead.

"I'm right here buddy. I thought you were dead asleep."

"I just wanted to say 'good night'." He mumbled.

"G'night buddy." She whispered and tousled his hair, feeling Julia's arms slip about her waist appreciatively. Lauren ran her hand over Julia's and turned and kissed Julia's neck and then left.

Julia stepped out into the hall as soon as she pulled the covers up over her son and kissed him. Lauren kissed her. "I'll see you tomorrow at work." she promised.

"It's late, please be careful." Julia felt her mouth go dry, the unnecessary comment was awkward. 'It's not what I want to say.'

"I always am." and with that, Lauren turned to slip out the side door, oblivious to Julia's desire to say something more.

Julia stood by the front room window watching Lauren bike away in the middle of the night wishing that Lauren didn't feel so honor bound to bike away the nights that Jeremy stayed over. He clearly had come to some understanding that his mother was seeing someone. Jeremy did also at least appear to like Lauren.

Julia was lost in the image of Lauren leaving; she didn't hear the side door open. She didn't hear Lauren return until Lauren's arms were wrapped about her.

Julia looked up at Lauren waiting for an answer.

"I don't want to leave tonight." Lauren gathered Julia up in her arms, confused by the heartache she was feeling.

"When we're close like this," Julia whispered to Lauren in her ear, "I see you for who you really are."

"When I dream, it is you I see. I desire your touch, your voice. You are not a replacement for any void in my life Lauren, one that I very much want and believe we can share. If I saw you as a child, I would not have the desires for the woman I see and desire you to be."

Lauren felt stunned and shivered until Julia's arm came over her back. 

"I love you Julia."

Julia smiled and kissed Lauren softly. "I love you too."



The Hardest Answer: Cars



At the bar on a crowded early Friday night, Lauren sat across from Julia at a private booth away from all the mingling couples, watching all the other women at their table suspiciously. She leaned back on her left elbow to take in the crowd that Julia assured would be discreet. But that didn't matter really; Lauren was perturbed at her first encounter in what could best be described as a match making session. Almost everyone at the table was single. They were all very experienced. Lauren just listened, not really taking a part in the conversation. She had been introduced to everyone earlier, but the names hadn't registered.

Though they were all hard and fast lesbians who had long come to terms with their preferences, Lauren could see the subtle culture differences. Though the initial impression of each woman fell along the lines of 'butch' and 'femme', Lauren had a sense of not just their role, but how they would function in the real world. It did not make one identity more or less than the other, but just provided more observation for Lauren. 

'I wonder what Julia is.' Lauren's thought wandered.

"How do you know Julia?" asked the one sitting directly next to Lauren. The others were busy in their beer and chatting about their week at work and other various activities. The conversation had not wandered over to Lauren since she had been introduced.

"Julia and I work at the same school." Lauren stammered having been stunned from her protective cocoon to participate in the conversation.

"Oh? What subject do you teach?" she asked sincerely curious, but to Lauren, all she wanted was out of this situation. 

"I'm working with the special education program, helping the physically and mentally challenged students integrate into the classroom."

"Wow, you must have a lot of patience. Was that what you wanted to do?' 

'Tracy? No, Kerry? Some name ends in 'y'.' Lauren's mind tried to hunt down the name that she had been given earlier. Twelve new names and they were all sped by and Lauren had tried to keep up. She had been emotionally taxed on everything today. A student had a long and complicated break down that had needed to be addressed immediately and as professionally and as rationally as possible. 'Tracy' was a tall brunette who favored her couture look of a tailored skirt suit and was well manicured. Lauren felt underdressed in a t-shirt and an unbuttoned black oxford shirt and jeans sitting next to her. But much to her relief, the other women in the group had managed to keep things equally casual. Jeans and t-shirts seemed to be the acceptable dress code. Lauren had wondered earlier when she had left her apartment to walk to the bar. She regretted not consulting with Julia before she had chosen what to wear.

"I wanted to do anything that paid the bills." Lauren answered candidly. 'What is her name?' Lauren's mind fretted.

Another little echo in Lauren's mind spoke up, 'It's okay! You can do this; you need to meet more people. Maybe you'll date one. Then you'll be able to get this awkwardness behind you.' The little cheerleading voice was drowned by her vexation over what 'Tracy's' real name was. 

"Where has Julia been keeping you all this time? She never said there was anyone else gay where she worked. I bet you're keeping a whole list of lesbians at work that you're tearing through and letting us have the leftovers." Accused someone across the table and to the left of Julia.

Lauren's mind was distracted and she looked in the direction of the heavily pierced butch, and then wished she hadn't. 

"They're all mine." Claimed Julia raising her eyebrows provocatively. "Lauren was just too young for my tastes."

The comment pierced Lauren's heart shattering it into a million pieces. Lauren took a deep breath. She didn't want that comment to be true. She wanted to touch Julia and find out if that was true.

'How can I be attracted to her and never have her!' Lauren's mind panicked. Lauren said nothing more and finished her beer.

"I'm sorry, I need to go, I have some things waiting for me." 

"Can I walk you out?" asked Tracy standing up and looking Lauren in the eyes, smiling.

Lauren reached into her pocket and pulled out fifteen dollars and ran a hand through her hair and shrugged.

'Out. I want out.' Lauren's mind turned directly to the door.

"Have fun!" Julia called out distracted by a conversation she was having between herself and someone else at the other end of the table.

Though the bulk of her attention had been on the conversation she was having, Julia had watched the short exchange and she was worried. It had taken Lauren nearly twenty minutes to warm up to the group, and then when Casey made real conversation with Lauren, Lauren seemed to speak as if she had never spoken before. Julia did take into consideration that perhaps Lauren might have just found Casey overwhelming and possibly even attractive. Julia had initially believed that Casey was very attractive when they first met. But the look of fear that drew all the blood from Lauren's face when Eddie had spoken up had made Julia wish she hadn't introduced Lauren to so many people all at once. 

When Lauren excused herself, Julia hadn't been surprised one bit. She had watch Lauren withdraw more and more and the conversations went on. Lauren couldn't find her place with the group and without Julia sitting right by her side to encourage her to actively participate, Lauren was just not going to find any common ground with these women. What had shocked her was that Casey had asked to join Lauren outside and Lauren, either not understanding what Casey was going to do, or understanding what was going to happen and wanting it, was about to allow it to happen.

Casey was going to follow Lauren outside and then drag her to the car where Lauren would experience perhaps fifteen minutes in heaven. If she made the 'cut' as Casey had always put it to the group, Lauren might make it home with Casey where they would have unbridled, and unrestrained casual sex. Lauren would then find herself alone the next day wondering what had happened the previous night.

Julia had never made it past the door. She had not been comfortable with dating just yet and Jeremy had been too young then to be left alone all night with the sitter, Julia had left their relationship as a friendship. She had heard endless tales of Casey's exploits. It had opened Julia's eyes to the probability that life in its rich variations still continued on regardless of gender preference.

'I never warned Lauren.' Julia felt guilty. Another pain entered Julia's mind, which she would later realize was jealousy. She didn't want anyone else having a stab at Lauren, which made her comment about Lauren not being old enough for her even more distressing.

'Why am I feeling this way about Lauren?' Julia wondered for the briefest moment watching Lauren and Casey walk away.

Lauren led the way as she and Casey left the bar. Nearing the exit, Casey put a hand on the small of Lauren's back, and was surprised as they walked out together that Lauren had jerked away. No one had ever jerked away.

"Julia is such a bad judge of what she needs!" Casey hissed in Lauren's ear. "You're so young and beautiful. I'm appalled she isn't in to you."

The warm breath from Casey's mouth sent shivers down Lauren's spine stopping her in her tracks. Her eyes were wide and lost and she spun around as she stepped outside and stared unbelievingly at Casey.

"Excuse me?"

"Come on Lauren, you know what's coming next. This way to my car." Casey motioned to the silver BMW on the far end of the parking lot.

"Car?" Lauren's brows furrowed. "I'm sorry I'm not following you at all."

"Julia didn't tell you? I want to test drive you for the night, see if you're any good." Casey walked closer and tried to draw Lauren with her body language. The frank crass nature of Casey's comments stunned Lauren.

'Why would she want to test drive me?' Lauren gawked for a moment and then the light bulb was finally turned on. Lauren's eyes got wide and she tried to control her growing fears for herself.

"Um, no, Julia doesn't tell me things like that. And I'm not a car. There's nothing on me that needs to be tried."

"Oh, I find confidence sexy. I just make keep you around for one more night!" squealed Casey and her hand came up, the back of her hand brushed Lauren's cheek on the way to draw Lauren close for a kiss.

Lauren slipped out of Casey's way. "I'm sorry. I really do have to go." Lauren turned and jogged away through the parking lot to the bike trail as quickly as she could without looking back. At the first bench she found, she sat and sobbed, frightened and just not sure why she was so upset.

Casey's mouth drew a thin line and she re-entered the bar. Casey returned to the group and sat across from Julia. The entire group of women stared at her unbelieving that Casey had been so quick with Lauren.

"What happened? She's not a keeper?" asked Eddie clearly amused that Casey had so obviously been rejected.

"She up and ran from me." Casey was annoyed. "You're right Julia, she is too young. Too bad, she's very pretty." Casey took a drink as another beer was put in front of her.

"Where did she go?" Julia stood up and paid her tab.

Casey shrugged without a look of regret. Lauren would have been just another notch to her. "On the bike trail, I guess home. Where are you going?" Casey picked up another beer as it came to the table.

"To go get her. Guys, Lauren just came out. She's very sensitive to everything around her. I brought her because I thought you of all people would understand." She glared at the entire table wishing that those sitting around it had protected Lauren earlier.

"Isn't she a little old for coming out?" asked Eddie skeptically.

Julia suppressed her anger but not her annoyance with how narrowly her friends viewed Lauren. "No one is a 'little old'. Lauren just had to take her time." Julia rubbed her forehead trying to clear her mind and get to Lauren. "I'll see you guys next time."

Julia hurried out from the bar and up the darkening paved trail by the river that ran through town. She was grateful to find Lauren curled up on the first bench.

"Are you all right?" she asked sitting on the edge of the fiberglass bench covered in scars from people trying to carve their mark into the bench.

Lauren looked up startled and wiped her eyes. Her sneaker-covered feet fell to the ground and she wiped her nose on her sleeve and then rolled it up past her elbow.

"Yeah." She swallowed hard. Looking at Julia, any part of Julia would remind her all to vividly of what had just transpired.

"Here." Julia pulled a pack of tissues from her purse. 

"Thank you."

"I'm sorry Casey was such a jerk to you. I really thought they'd be more welcoming."

Lauren shrugged. 'Hey that was her name.' A grin came to mind, but could not make it to her face. Her mind settled down a little trying to find anything but to cry in front of Julia. It was disconcerting to Lauren to cry in front of Julia.

For the first time since Lauren and Julia had reunited as adults, Lauren was unable to form words.

"They're really a great group when you get to know them. I should have made your situation more clear to them. I'm sorry." Julia placed a gentle caress on Lauren's hand.

"It's all right, I was going to have to learn sometime." Lauren stammered staring at Julia's hand where it was touching her.

'I'm too young for you. You said so in the bar.' Lauren looked at the caress mournfully suppressing the shudder that coursed through her memory and pained her tender heart.

"Do you need a ride home?" Julia asked softly looking as the sun dipped lower turning the sky into hues of pink and purple.

Lauren looked to the direction of the setting sun, so Julia couldn't see her heart breaking. "No, I'll manage. Thank you."

"You're not all right Lauren, tell me, did Casey try something you didn't want?"

"No, it wasn't Casey."

"Eddie then? She really is a softie. Most hard butches are." 

"No." Lauren wished Julia would just leave her alone. Lauren knew that if she had a few minutes more to sniffle in self-pity she'd be fine. But with Julia sitting this close to her, intoxicating her, it made it harder to deal with the rejection from Julia, from just not understanding being gay, from unrequited heartache.

'She didn't know I have a crush on her.' Reasoned Lauren's inner voice and her ragged breath calmed itself. It wouldn't do to have Julia guess that she had shattered Lauren's only fantasy.

Julia looked at Lauren and then carefully reached out and felt Lauren's chin with its trails of tears.

"Someone hurt you Lauren, tell me, please." She asked softly.

Staring into Julia's face, Lauren could not stand more than a second and looked away, gritting her teeth. "I hurt me."

"You hurt yourself? How?" The question harkened back a haunted memory of a teenage Lauren who was so difficult to reach.

'Don't tell her!' Lauren held the argument in her mind trying to find reason, trying desperately to answer Julia, trying to fill the silence so her mind would not have any additional reason to continue to confound her.

'But she won't let me go until I tell her. I'm not a child anymore.' She admonished herself.

But nothing was said. Julia waited for Lauren to clarify, and Julia realized very quickly that there would be nothing to clarify.

"I expected too much. It was overwhelming I shouldn't have stayed as long as I did." Lauren lied.

"I do want to take you home Lauren. I want to be sure you get home safely."

"I can't do that right now Julia." Lauren felt her heart clog her throat. She just needed to be out of Julia's presence.

"You're probably right. But I can wait. When you're ready, I'll be right here." Lauren closed her eyes, wishing now she hadn't lied to Julia. Julia reached for Lauren and watched her shudder. Julia's heart ached for her young friend wishing she could read Lauren's perplexed mind.

Julia spoke up after a few minutes allowing Lauren a few difficult sniffles that Julia was certain bruised her pride. "I'm sorry for bringing you here under these conditions Lauren. I should have known you were not ready for all of this. Well," she considered for a moment. "at least them."

"It will all come together Lauren. You've made such progress!" Julia encouraged. 

'Made such progress that I'm sitting with someone who I have an unrequited crush on and I can't tell her a thing!' Lauren anguished.

"I'm ready. I'd like to go home now if you're still offering to drive." Lauren stood, forcing herself to just pull whatever strength together and head out to Julia's car.

Lauren shoved her hands deep into her pockets, her head bent down and scuffed her toe along the asphalt and trudged to the car. Julia watched Lauren walk away and only went after her after a moment.

Lauren looked up at the silhouettes of bare tree branches against the night sky. Julia came up right next to her as they sauntered down the path to Julia's car. Lauren wasn't necessarily dawdling nor was she hurrying along. She just wanted something to go right. This experimental phase did not have to last forever, but right now, it was certainly not leading her anywhere. Women were intoxicating. 

Lauren clarified her thought: 'Julia is intoxicating. I forget myself when she's with me.' Lauren recalled her hand being caressed just a few minutes ago, certain that she would find a mark from where Julia had touched her.

They reached the car. 

Julia walked up to the driver's side of her car and dropped her keys. She wasn't sure at the time why she did it; however, she knew it was the right thing to do. Lauren was right next to her in the next instant.

"Julia, did you finish your water before you came to join me?" Lauren looked worried on Julia's behalf. 

"No. I didn't get through the first half pint." Julia fumbled around on the ground trying to pick the keys up in the limited light around her car with equally limited motor skills.

Lauren bent down and plucked the keys from right in front of Julia's hand. "I'm driving you home and I can walk home from there." Julia knelt in front of Lauren and caressed her face. "I can't ask you to do that. You're distraught."

Lauren swallowed hard fighting to look Julia in the eye. 'Not as distraught as I am right now.'

"I'll manage." She replied.

"What's wrong Lauren? You're so, withdrawn tonight." Lauren helped Julia up.

Lauren looked away and straightened up. "Come on, I'll let you in on the passenger side."

Julia reached for Lauren's hand. "You should learn just to relax Lauren. I know it's not in your nature, but when you're relaxed, you do so much better. You know that as well as I do." Julia pulled Lauren closer to her.

Lauren looked into Julia's eyes puzzled. "Julia, please don't do this. You have no idea..." Lauren was cut off by Julia's kiss.

'Soft. Oh God, don't let her stop.' Lauren deepened her kiss to Julia not sure where any of this was going, but it was not important. Julia's tongue flicked her own, sending new sensations shivering through Lauren's body.

"I was so jealous when Casey walked you out and then I saw you flinch when she touched you. I knew I had hope." Julia whispered.

Lauren's heart was pounding in her ears as she heard Julia speak. Julia's hands were on either side of her face, her forehead touching Julia's.

"What does this mean?" Lauren asked softly.

"I want you to drive me home Lauren and I want you to stay." Julia looked up at Lauren and waited to see what Lauren would say. Lauren instead said nothing but unlocked the car, letting Julia in.

Lauren would not remember later the next day how she got home from the bar. She would not even remember the stunned stares as she passed Julia's friends who were heading out of the bar in search of a livelier crowd. She would just remember the look on Julia's face as they parked in Julia's garage and let the garage door close them off from the outside world. And her next memory would be the look on Julia's face as she was led through the darkened house to Julia's bedroom.

Julia had held Lauren's hand on the way home. She had not even been the slightest bit drunk. But allowing Lauren to believe so had given Julia an excuse to cross the barriers Lauren had been erecting in her experimentation. She had felt the tremors coursing through Lauren's body when she had reached for her. Lauren had nearly melted on the spot when Julia had kissed her so provocatively. But Lauren had kept herself together, which was promising.

'Oh, yes, I did have to think hard about bringing Lauren in so close under false pretenses.' Julia admitted to herself watching Lauren drive. But the kiss had been quite eye opening. It revealed something Julia had been surprised to learn about Lauren, but Lauren was a quick study. She reciprocated the unintended kiss without loosing a step. Julia could feel her heart pounding with desire, something she herself had not experienced in quite a while. 

'No regrets tomorrow morning.' Julia made herself promise as she drew Lauren into a forbidden embrace that Lauren would never forget the beauty of her entire life. 

Julia's slow lingering kiss to Lauren's lips raised Lauren's heartbeat to nearly hummingbird speed. Lauren's head dropped as Julia pulled away, feeling Julia's hands on her waist. Lauren's eyes were closed and she tried to slow her breathing.

"Please look at me Lauren." She begged softly pulling Lauren to the bed and to her.

Lauren swallowed hard as she lifted her head and into Julia's eyes. "Tell me what you want." Lauren rested her head on Julia's shoulder.

"You." She said huskily. 

The lights were dimmed and Julia carefully peeled Lauren's clothes off. Lauren closed her eyes and tipped Julia's face for another kiss as their bodies closed the gap between themselves.




The Hardest Answer: Cars



Julia stroked Lauren's hair as she slept against her shoulder. Lauren was a protective sleeper, something she never had when she lived with her husband. Gill had slept on his half of the bed never wanting anything before or after his demand for sex. 

'I've wanted this for so long.' She admitted to herself. Since that pride day when she felt Lauren gather her protectively in her arms against Madison. Lauren's heart thudded against her back and the steely dark look she gave Madison that was so calm. 

Lauren hung on to her. Initially Julia believed that Lauren did so because she was insecure, but Julia found that over time she liked it.

Lauren weighed more than her, but it was being cuddled was not confining. Julia could move about as she wanted in bed and if she happened to move out of Lauren's reach, Lauren rarely noticed and did not seem to mind.

'It feels loving. And she's so quiet about her needs and wants.' Julia kissed Lauren tenderly. Indulging this bit of comfort for Lauren was hardly taxing to Julia.

Lauren was languishing happily against Julia's shoulder. Her dreams were peaceful. 

'I don't want this to ever end.' She smiled to herself and snuggled against Julia more and then lifted her head to steal one last look at her as she closed her eyes allowing sleep to take her.



The Hardest Answer: Ex-Lover



That Saturday morning around eleven in the morning, Julia parked the car in the large structure and climbed out eagerly looking forward to the events around the corner. Lauren got out of the car with apprehension. She looked around nervously the parking structure. There were all sorts of people getting out of their cars, some wearing costumes and chanting excitedly. 

Furthermore, all the people who seemed to be gathering knew each other. And there were thousands of people all claiming familiarity. Lauren shuddered at the thought of being greeted by someone she really didn't know. 

Lauren swallowed hard, her throat dry, and looked at Julia for support. Julia paused heading in the direction of the stairs and looked at Lauren. And then she walked back and looked at her in the eye.

"I know it's going to be an experience for you Lauren, but you'll learn so much here."

Lauren nodded unable to form words, her stomach empty and her mind whirling endlessly without any one thought to grasp firmly onto. Lauren had gotten up and looked about the apartment and couldn't get herself to eat anything. Considering there was only cereal, oatmeal, and some bread left, it didn't leave her with many options. None of them were even remotely appealing. She had walked to Julia's house shortly after determining she was too nervous to want to eat. She couldn't even think about wanting food until she was gone.

Julia put an arm around Lauren's shoulders. "We can leave at any time after you see some." She promised. And some is definitely going to be more than two hours if I have anything to say about it.

Lauren took several deep breaths and nodded forcing herself to fall into step with Julia. She shoved her hands into the pocket of her grey hoodie wishing the sky were darkened enough that she might pull it over her face and take advantage of some anonymity. The three hours it took to drive to this event, Julia chided her for her clothing choice trying to get Lauren to laugh. 'Trying not to stand out in the gay community would mean you should have chosen something more brightly colored. They're all going to see you like this.' Julia had said just as they took the off ramp. But Lauren didn't own anything brightly colored, and it would not have mattered much anyway, bright colors seemed to repulse Lauren. 

Lauren forced her uneasiness down, grateful that Julia had offered to bring her to this event.

They came down the stairs to the street and Lauren was bombarded with colors and people.

To her horror, Lauren found herself scanning the streets and realized the couples walking hand in hand were committed. They were gay. The horror was more how judgmental she felt.

'He's gay. They are a couple.' She found herself checking her mind looking at all different sorts of people who were couples, who lobbied on the behalf of gay people, who supported the whole community, who appeared to be drag queens, who could have been transgendered, and there was no limit to what anyone could be labeled.

The overwhelming sensation reminded Lauren of the time she had taken the gay community magazine, who was the sponsor for today's event, to the corner of the library to first begin her foray those long weeks ago.

And then just as suddenly, 'They're looking at me and seeing the same thing.'

The guilt began to unnerve Lauren. 'I'm so ignorant.' And she also had issues with the fact that she felt that she was gawking at the mob that was so vigilantly trying to bring their issues to the public's eye. And she also had a moral battle with the fact that she was so judgmental instantly when she knew almost nothing about this social group, this world, and this lifestyle.

The signs of people marching in the street asked for recognition to get married, to be accepted as a part of the community, and just recognize that there are not just mainstream gay but a whole smorgasbord of people with their identities and preferences. And equally loud, were groups advocating for AIDS support and hospice care partner rights. 

Certainly, many people had mannerisms that were indicative of every tired stereotype. And then there were their parents who supported their children they carried signs such as "It takes a heterosexual couple to make one gay child." That caused a bit of a smirk from Lauren. Lauren scanned the complex of people that milled about all with a purpose of trying to get their message heard on behalf of the gay community.

Lauren stood gaping on the sidewalk with people walking around her. She had no clue where she belonged, if she belonged, and why she was here in the first place. 

Julia reached for Lauren again. "It's okay Lauren; we'll do one experience at a time. You'll find your questions." She reassured her friend. "I'll help you find the answers."

The reassurance was calming to Lauren after a few minutes of watching the crowds walk back and forth and she smiled gratefully at Julia. "Thank you." Lauren steeled herself and decided it was better to try and experience this event as Julia had intended. It would after all, be more than an eye opening surprise to all she could learn. And as Lauren gazed from couple to couple, from political topic to political topic, Lauren realized that she had more to learn than what she could glean from this afternoon alone. To simplify all the groups or all their issues into one or two sentences would deny the progress that had been made in simply recognizing their existence.

Lauren tried to figure out where Julia belonged in this world. She certainly was very vocal for someone in the town they lived in. But here next to her, Lauren tried to put Julia on the spectrum. 

'It would be like her not to fit into any predetermined box.' She mused reluctantly. 

Lauren considered herself definitely a tomboy. It had always been a part of her. And now here she was experiencing being defined as a tomboy, not only as something she kept private and had not even shared with Julia yet. Lauren had factored her general inexperience into her identity. Certainly a grown woman who identified as a tomboy was quite different from the little girl on the playground who could throw a spiral football as well as she could catch one. And simply that summed Lauren up. 

In some respects, she imagined that 'tomboy' was not what the mainstream gay community wanted to see. She had made repeated trips to the library in the past few months, secreting away back issues of the gay magazines in a dark corner where she was certain no one would imagine finding her.

'Why does it matter if I'm not a part of mainstream culture?' Lauren wondered.

Her eyes fell on Julia. 'Because Julia wants to be a part of it.' And of course, at this very instant, anything Julia wanted that Lauren could at least attempt, Lauren wanted to do. 

'It will help me find my answers more directly.' Lauren reassured herself. 

But Lauren's introspection was cut short hearing a squeal from the other side of the street.

"Oh my God! It's Julia!" Julia who was meandering with Lauren at her side, froze, and slowly looked over.

"It's one of my ex-lovers." She whispered scandalously to Lauren.

"It is you!" Julia was swept up into a tight two-armed hug of a rather large woman. Lauren felt some sympathy for Julia wishing she could just grab Julia out of the other woman's arms. She didn't know if she should, but that feeling of jealousy, wanting Julia only for herself flashed like a giant warning signal.

Julia carefully extracted herself and stood back from the other woman's flowing robes and multiple body piercing that seemed to trail wherever there was a bit of cartilage.

Lauren looked at the two women dubiously trying to imagine that Julia dated her and could not have seen it working out for any real reason; glad that Julia was not with this woman any longer.

"Hi Madison, how are you?" Julia coughed to cover her discomfort.

"Fabulous, as always. You don't look too bad yourself. I didn't think you'd come on down here. Now you're going to have to tell me everything you've been up to!" Madison gushed deviously without a breath and then linked her arm in Julia's and began to lead her away from Lauren when Lauren reached over and gently grabbed Julia's free hand, spinning her back towards her.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you had come with someone Julia." Madison shot daggers in Lauren's direction. Lauren only offered a complacent smirk. Julia looked up at Lauren with thanks in her eyes. 

"Yes, this is Lauren's first time to this pride rally." Lauren felt a little out of place but was grateful that Julia masked Lauren's newness to being 'out.'

'First time to any pride rally.' Lauren's smug look was based on the amusement of watching Madison squirm assuming that Lauren was now Julia's lover, something she clearly did not want to have happen. Madison could not help but notice Lauren's youthfulness and how 'hidden' Lauren appeared. Nothing stood out about Lauren except her age. 

Madison began slowly. "I didn't think you had gotten over your last break up just yet Julia. I'm glad to see you no longer linger over your son's needs." Madison looked Lauren up and down. "You're..." She was going to mention Lauren's age and try to bring her down a few notches.

"Just lucky to have found some time with Julia." Lauren interrupted sensing a growing distaste for Madison.

"Well, if you're interested, some of us are getting together at the club on fourth. I'm sure you and Lauren will be quite welcome." And with a little 'harrumph', Madison disappeared into the teams of people milling about.

"Thank you." Lauren released Julia, but immediately wished she could have clung onto her for just a fraction of a second more. It felt good. She admitted to herself. Lauren was hardly a heavily muscled person. But in comparison Julia was so soft. Lauren knew she could loose herself forever in Julia's arms. 

Julia took a shallow breath, trying to still her thundering heart. Being swept up protectively in Lauren's arms was completely unexpected, but it was exactly what the situation required. She looked at Lauren curiously wondering what was transpiring in her mind.

'How quickly she abandoned her fear.' Julia felt her heart calm, grateful for Lauren's intervention.

"Nothing about it, I was just saving my ride home." Lauren felt sheepish for a moment and then moved as if she were interested in the wares created for the AIDS Hospice.

Julia paused in the middle of the crowds and watched Lauren try to remove herself from her embarrassment. She suddenly felt more alone than she had in Madison's arms and was surprised to brush her hands against her skin where Lauren had taken her protectively against her own body. Julia had never had a girlfriend who was protective over her. And it was a strange sensation. 

'And she's not even my girlfriend.'

Undoubtedly Julia was thankful. Nothing could be more awkward than running into an old lover, especially one as mercurial as Madison. Julia had not missed the tension that Lauren incited by saving her. Lauren had not missed one beat, staying calm through the entire exchange and said nothing more than necessary to send Madison on her way. That had been something that Julia had not expected ever from Lauren the child.

'She is most definitely an intriguing adult.' Julia admitted to herself. 

"Come on Lauren, there's more in the pavilion ahead." Julia reached over and pulled Lauren in the direction of the pavilion. They were going to see as much today as possible. 



The Hardest Answer: First Day



Six-thirty blinked on Lauren's digital clock on the windowsill. For nearly ten bleary minutes, she'd been staring at the clock. 

-I start teaching school today.- It felt like an odd statement. Teaching had always come naturally to Lauren; deciphering information in multiple formats was easy. Though not an expert at the five-minute 'regurgitation' that was generally preferred by public schools, her retention was remarkable. Lectures, reading, or activities, Lauren was quite remarkable in that respect.

The alarm on her clock tripped and started pulsating its demand. Lauren sat up and shut it off. As she got dressed from the clothes she picked out the night before, she began to feel more confident. A firmly starched collar always did that for her. She belted her chinos and then went to the bathroom to check her hair and brush her teeth. Methodically, she went through a mini-checklist in her head. 

-Lunch: sandwich, soda. Breakfast: bowl, oatmeal, cup of milk.-

Her briefcase was sitting on her computer chair and there was a new notebook from work inside for note taking, another coin splurge. All of her preparations made for a smooth sailing, something she dearly needed.

-I am not going to tell anyone how nervous I am right now.-

At seven-twenty in the morning, Lauren pulled up to the bike racks on her bike and locked her bike. The morning air was cool; dew dotted the fine blades of grass that would soon be trampled upon by students trying to make the school their own. The first class would start soon, but she had to pick up a key and other things with administration. The campus was covered in parents running around trying to make an impressive first day at a new school. She went into the office where wires were running around as the staff tried to figure out how to connect the phones.

The frazzled principal looked up from signing papers to the contractor and saw Lauren.

"Ready for a good year?" he asked.

Lauren stammered, "Yes sir." She shook his hand all too aware that her hand was clammy.

"We have your key right here. For your classroom, all staff rooms..."Lauren stopped listening to him and looked at the small mountain of paperwork that was thrust upon her to get the key. She began nodding.

"Paul has your class lists."

"I memorized the schedule of the students. I'll be greeting the first one at the hour." Lauren stopped realizing she was contradicting her boss.

"Well that's nice. Have a good year!" He didn't seem to notice. She sighed thankfully. The principal was sucked away by parents trying to do something they had planned for weeks.

Meeting the students was important especially on the first day. Most of the students were sixth graders, and this was their first move to a new school. She had memorized each of the eight faces of her students, their individual schedules and their teacher's names, roughly fourteen different combinations to introduce. In a few cases according to their files, the students weren't able to verbalize their names though they were encourages to speak whenever they could for themselves.

Lauren had to admit as she handed the clipboard with eight signed papers back to the secretary who handed her a key that she was definitely feeling as unorganized as the office was, but it would change as soon as school started.

Lauren seemed to settle as she ran into her first student of the day, a very polite and self-sufficient autistic boy who smiled when he saw her. Her schedule had her swapping out over three class sessions in PE. From her experience, PE did not involve much the first few days anyway, so the collared shirts she had prepared for the week would be sufficient. Lauren ducked around without her briefcase, having left it in a safe place in one of her classrooms and looked at one of her other students as he wiped snot on his sleeve of what most likely was a brand new shirt for the first day of school.

She groaned internally. I'm going to need a kit of stuff for each of these kids. Lauren signed to the student asking him if he needed to go to the restroom to use Kleenex. The student zoned in and out as the teacher spoke to the class. 

Embarrassed that she had mixed up the disabilities of her students, she softly asked her student if he needed to use the restroom to wash his hands. He looked back at her blankly and Lauren just let it go. 

Jo came in an hour later. All day they would switch off between students and exchange useful notes about the students. 

After the hectic first day of school, Julia sought out Lauren and found her in her classroom sorting through papers and binders. It was strange; Paul and the other aides had already left. But she already was a workaholic when I first met her anyway. Julia reasoned.

"Hi Lauren." She was bubbly.

Lauren looked up from the papers and carefully stacked them stuttering "Hi."

"How was your first day?" Lauren asked. Julia was a little taken aback, the child she had known would have never asked the first question. Julia took a seat across from Lauren at the table she was working at.

"It was good. I think I have an inquisitive bunch this year. How about your charges?"

Lauren looked at the short list over. "I think it's going to be okay. I met two of them last year while covering for someone who was chronically ill."

Julia couldn't keep her amazement to herself anymore. "I'm really impressed that you've made such progress."

"It's pretty amazing to me, I can talk now eh?" Lauren grinned and Ms. Lasting had to laugh. "I work at it. I'm okay with the students: I know what they need when they need. But general conversations I have to really work at it, but worse comes to worse, I have a notepad I can get through if I'm really anxious."

Anxiety had nearly crippled Lauren in middle school and high school. Unlike her peers' desire to be like the others, Lauren was more existential. At twelve when Julia first met her, Lauren was already questioning and rationalizing her personal existence. She comprehended multitudes of gray answers and would get lost in those shades miring her life into a heavy depression. To cope back then, she had done whatever was expected of her.

-And it nearly cost you your life Lauren Hartfield.-

"What about dating? Men? Women?" Dude, why don't you just make this harder on me. Lauren looked away briefly and shrugged.

"Dating hasn't happen really. Of either gender." Lauren had never admitted this to any of her close friends.

"So are you bi, lesbian, straight? Oh what am I saying, of course you haven't dealt with this!" she laughed. "I'm a lesbian. I came out after I left my husband."

-Why does this laughter hurt?- Lauren wondered, but laughed uneasily anyway. She did register Julia's confidence in her sexual outing. It was a forefront thought.

"Okay give me a hug, I have a meeting to get to." And in that hug, Ms. Lasting hung onto Lauren just long enough to make Lauren wonder. Her head was carefully crooked into Lauren's broad shoulders. Lauren locked her eyes forward and blinked wishing she knew what to do.

A whisper came as Ms. Lasting pulled away. "Do you drink?"

"Of course." 

"Good I need someone to go out drinking with. I'm buying." Lauren tipped her head to the side as she headed out the door.

"We'll negotiate."

Lauren watched Ms. Lasting leave and felt her heart fall into her stomach. She calmed her breathing. Lauren looked around and packed up her things, putting away the students' files. 

'Do you drink? I'm buying?' The conversation replayed itself in Lauren's head. It unnerved her. 'What about dating? Men? Women? Oh, what am I saying, of course you haven't dealt with this!' Lauren unlocked her bike, ignoring the fact that her hands were trembling.

Never in her wildest dreams could Lauren have believed that fate would re-cross her path with Ms. Lasting. Her heart skipped beats when she was in the same room with her. Having English class with their eight graders and her was going to trample her ability to actually focus. Every day, right before lunch, she would get to have fifty-five minutes with her. Hanging on her every word, working closely with her in ways she could have only imagined of as a child. She couldn't lay her finger on why she responded as she did to her. Lauren nearly skidded off her bike in shock at the first stop sign.

-I can't have feelings for Ms. Lasting!- Lauren re-adjusted her briefcase strap and proceeded through the intersection. -Can I?-

Lauren was puzzled by the realization. Her admission felt like a slap in the face. Just because there were gestures in a friendly nature did not mean that there was any intent at all. Lauren squashed the thought as quickly as she created it. 

It was not all right to have these feelings for a co-worker.

Julia's first day had started at five-thirty with a warm shower, and then came the arduous task of waking her son who was curled up in a little ball on his bed. After fifteen minutes of coaxing, Jeremy sat up, rubbing his eyes and padded off to the bathroom. 

She packed his lunch and put an apple in her briefcase with a bottle of water. 

"Mom, my shirt doesn't fit!" hollered her son.

"Come on out and let me see." She replied. He came out of the bathroom, trying to put his t-shirt on with his head through an armhole. With a smirk, Julia adjusted her son's attempt and then sent him back to his bedroom to finish getting dressed.

Julia's car was the third staff car into the lot. Her son was with the sitter who would pick him up after work. The dusty yellow light of early morning bathed the buildings. It was going to be an amazing first day of school.

Every seat in her classroom was filled for her first class. Immediately she began shifting students. Julia was flexible as long as her students demonstrated maturity and a work ethic. Some combinations she knew would not work at all, having had many of the students from another campus across town. At the door, a slightly frazzled Lauren came in late with one of her physically disabled students. 

"Kristy, can you take another seat and we'll let Ginny have the seat closer to the door." Kristy obliged without any form of comment though several of her classmates stared at Ginny uncomfortably. Students with permanent physical disabilities were still rare in the school district. Often, it was just more convenient that the student was enrolled in a separate program like home schooling to deal with their frequent doctor's appointments. The result was all too often uneducated peers who were generally kind or dismissive of physically disabled students. Ginny was undeniably alone most of her free time. No one really spoke to her unless they absolutely had to. Certainly most students had been taught by someone in their life not to stare or not to ask questions of the disabled. 

Ginny was generally capable, she could speak, read and write. She needed very little help outside needing to gain speed in pushing herself around. Her truest disability was her over protective parents who felt that her disability meant she needed to be protected. But to Lauren, Ginny did have one advantage; she had to deal with her disability sooner in her life. She could never hide her disability. The simple need of a wheel chair made it that obvious. 

Ginny was firmly strapped into her wheel chair and with some quick modifications; she was settled in the classroom and able to use a desk. Lauren gently patted Ginny on the back and left quickly without a wave or any word to Julia. 

-And why am I disappointed?- Julia wondered briefly and she began to hand out papers to her students.

The usual rhetoric: introduce all the students, encourage good study habits, and inspire the students who were capable of thinking outside of the box while not turning off those that needed the box. Julia was known in the school for having a core of boisterous thinkers, but they were brilliant students.

All day, whenever there was a quiet moment, Julia would look up and there was Lauren either running to a class to be with a student or helping a student to get to the right class. Julia smiled. She loved seeing Lauren on campus. It some how was just in Lauren's persona that she would be great at this job.

Classes ran quickly, it was lunch and then suddenly, the end of the school day. Having been partially slighted and mostly curious, Julia sought out Lauren.

Watching Lauren examine every page and the material in the binder. She didn't want to interrupt, there was something about Lauren at that very moment, but Julia spoke up. Julia watched Lauren's blank expressions as she shared herself. Lauren was so very good at keeping her quelling feelings down for someone whose emotions stayed on her sleeve. It had been disappointing, wishing that she could have seen more of Lauren. 

-Hopefully in time.- she told herself and went off to pick up her son. 



The Hardest Answer: First Question



The one joy Lauren had every week to unwind, was her trip to the library on Saturday. The first weekend, she dumped her papers from work unceremoniously on the floor and then went to the pile of books she had by her bed and began to stuff the nearly twenty books into her briefcase. With a quick reluctant look at her checkbook, she knew she would also have to make one extra stop as the memo from her principal glared at her from her desk; a thinly disguised reminder that she was a role model for the students on campus. Which was his indirect way of telling her that she needed to wear a helmet to work if she were going to continue to bike to work. Another week before a paycheck, but this was a part of conforming and being a member of influence over children.

Lauren hopped on her bike and peddled to the nearest bike store, dodging a few soccer moms who insisted on the right of way. Coming out of the store, she had a cardboard box protecting her helmet, sixty less dollars, and a dilemma of how to balance everything until she emptied her briefcase three blocks up. Hesitantly, Lauren knew she really didn't need the box that protected the helmet. 

With a raw sense of irony, Lauren smirked at the box. After all, the helmet was supposed to be protecting her head. Once the box had been properly recycled, the helmet roughly fitted so to give Lauren the illusion of a correct fit, Lauren was off to the library with an anticipatory sense of urgency.

Lauren's earliest memories were of looking at books. It didn't matter what they were: books with pictures, mechanics magazines left by her older brothers, the cookbooks her mother had on a shelf and never opened, and books without pictures. When she discovered to herself she could read, she proudly toddled over to her parents and showed them. They patted her on her head and sent her out to play.

Since she had older siblings who needed to use the library, she begged to go with them. However, much like older siblings, they did not want to bring Lauren around anywhere they went and especially somewhere that they did not want to be in the first place. 

Perseverance paid off for Lauren's tender years. She eventually found her way into the building that housed the dusty tomes and numerous senior citizens glaring at rowdy teenagers. Nothing was off limits to Lauren's mind as a child. She grew quickly bored with the novels written for children: the brightly colored pictures and the simplified vocabulary held limited appeal to her. By the time she was twelve, Lauren began cutting her teeth on Charles Dickens, both Bronte sisters, and attempted Tolstoy. Her mind was the one trapping that no one could take from her and they certainly could not enter it ever. Learning through reading was Lauren's protection from the teeming noise of a crowded house with too many children and the harsh realization that nothing in her life was likely to be as magical as some of the fantasy novels she loved. 

The library was her refuge, and taught her about the world beyond her parent's narrowed vision for their children. Any questions about behavior or social norms, she would research in the library until she was satisfied. It helped avoid asking embarrassing questions from people she felt ill at ease with. Even more important, the library, unlike her childhood home, was nearly silent. She did not have to worry about any younger brother or sister barreling in on her or older brother or sisters teasing her in front of their friends.

Lauren's tastes had only grown as she did. Historical fiction, science fiction, and under a rather sheepish admission, romance novels were among her current favorites. Though the library's selection was small, Lauren found her favorite writer, Emily Dickenson, well represented. 

Lauren wandered around at the library having made her selections, and came across the magazine rack. She briefly considered picking up one of the news magazines, but something totally caught her eye that she had never considered before: National News for the Gay and Lesbian Community.

Lauren put down her belongings and new helmet and looked around before hesitantly grabbing the magazine and wandering back into a quiet corner as inconspicuously as possible with everything she was carrying.

Though the cover was a scantily clad man, assumingly gay, she somehow felt odd picking up such a magazine.

'It's like I picked up a Playboy.' She would reflect later. She opened the magazine, sliding glances around and found an article about lesbians.

A whole set of vocabulary marched at her. Femme. Butch. Pride.

Lauren shuddered not really understanding all of what she found. She also found that the magazine was heavily slanted in favor of the gay community instead of the balance that she would have liked. She turned another page, unable to put this down, trying to find her answer. Trying to understand why she was suddenly interested in this lifestyle.

'I'm a lesbian; I came out after I left my husband.' The memory haunted Lauren and she wanted to place a reason why. She shrugged her shoulder and folded the magazine up and gathered her things to leave the library. 

'It's like doing research.' She reasoned. 'I don't know anything about lesbian; I want to know more.' It was growing late, and Lauren hadn't brought her light for her bike, so she quickly checked out her things hoping no one saw her read the gay magazine. 

Lauren biked through the park on her way home. She passed by a teen couple who would probably not last the week, holding hands, experimenting with kissing. She suppressed her 'teacher' mind to keep from yelling at the kids. It was Saturday; she was not enforcing any rules on anyone if she could help it. But in her heart, there was a moment of jealousy. 

'What would it be like to be touched by someone else?' She wondered passing a teen couple holding hands, shyly looking at the other and then the guy stole a rather deep kiss from his girlfriend. 

It struck her as an odd thought that needed clarification. Certainly she had been 'touched': hugs, pats on the back, hand shakes. But none with a romantic intent. She hadn't ever kissed anyone on the lips. 

'Maybe I was born in the wrong decade.' She mused some more at a stoplight. 'I just need an arranged marriage, to be told to do my 'duty' in the marriage bed and have done with all of this nonsense.' 

What her mind said did not come close to comforting her heart. It was something she knew she had to experience. 'Oh God, I'd love to experience it.' The sob of desire rose in her chest, but she squashed it down as far as she dared. It wouldn't matter if she wanted this. She had no one interested in sharing her limited experience. She was getting too old to be so inexperienced and admitting that she lacked all of the 'knowledge' of intimacy. Romance books only cover so much. She mused stopping in front of her apartment and dragging her bike the stairs to her apartment. 

Lauren had lately been acknowledging the ache in her chest that she recognized as this desire to 'grow up'. The term encompassed relationships. She was tired of being so immature; it wasn't like she wasn't making an effort on her part to change. There were huge steps being made; at least in her opinion.



The Hardest Answer: Lauren & Julia



Lauren was puttering around on her computer when the phone rang on a Friday mid-morning. Nothing incredibly important occupied her at the moment: just a favorite video game. She lunged for the handset while placing the game on 'pause'; a lock of ungainly wavy brown hair fell in her face. It was August cool in the central valley of California and there was some hope of an internship in Long Beach, California. She prayed it was the project manager she had so hoped to hear from and answered. Even better would be an agent for her writing. She didn't care, she needed some sort of income and soon.

"Lauren Hatfield?" It was a male's voice.

"Speaking." She crossed her fingers and reached for a Parker pen in the mess that was a desk she had long outgrown. In the front room of her apartment a childhood desk saved from her home was stacked with mementos of the woman the child longed to become. Some tiny part of her would be happier if she could organize the mess on the desk, but since she didn't have much other furniture and she lived alone, she ignored the mess in general.

"My name is Paul. I got your number from Jody, I was wondering are you still on the sub list?" The voice on the other end referred to Lauren's current job as an on call employee for a local school. Jody was the teacher in charge of the special needs program at the school she worked at a few months back.

"As far as I know I still am." She moaned internally, wondering what Jody had given her name in recommendation for.

"I've got a proposition for you. I have an aide out on maternity, so I need someone to cover full time at the new middle school. Would you be interested in doing so?"

'Full time!' Lauren would have done back flips in her chair if she could have done back flips in the first place. And while she wasn't great with special needs kids, she had the patience demonstrated time and time again. It would be worth nearly fifteen dollars an hour. Her mind raced, she could work and stash some cash away and not fret over her bills, something few former college students, who were interminably unemployed, as she had been these past three years, could do.

"Certainly!" Lauren squelched her excitement, hoping not to scare the person on the other end. Very quickly and thoroughly she took notes on her new job. Middle school. She had wanted high school from the beginning, but middle school was better than nothing. And in-between the heartbeat of euphoria, Lauren briefly remembered her middle school years with a shudder, and then took a vow to keep those thoughts away from the forefront of her thoughts. It was full time work, and that was all that mattered.

Lauren took down the information on a scrap piece of paper and then hung up the phone. She quit her video game and whorled around her living room for a moment. A job! A job! And then Lauren stopped. This was the hardest part of getting used to being on her own: there wasn't anyone to celebrate milestones with her. Even if this one was just a route marker. It didn't matter; she was going to find some way to celebrate. She went to the counter in the kitchen and grabbed her keys and stuffed them in her grey cargo shorts and slipped on beaten sneakers she hadn't bothered to untie from the last time she had worn them.

Out across the street at the grocery store, she headed to the alcohol isle and picked up one twelve-ounce bottle of her favorite malt liquor and purchased it with every coin in her wallet. A tiny part of her was sufficiently embarrassed. If the store clerk hadn't one who saw her regularly, she'd feel like a total junkie trying to get her fix.

'It's not okay to drink alone.' Her conscious nagged at her, but her excitement was still all over the place. It didn't matter. She was going to enjoy drinking this one bottle. With dinner she decided. In her bare apartment, the one bottle went into her nearly equally bare refrigerator. The freezer wasn't much better, but there were four cheap TV dinners in there. She wished the macaroni and cheese tasted better, but the kind she liked, the blue box, needed too many other ingredients needed to make it and she could hardly afford that.

Lauren made a list of things that needed to be done this weekend so she could show up for Monday's meeting like she knew her business. Unfortunately, she realized she would have to do laundry. She apprehensively looked over at the quarter pile she kept separate from her money; there was enough for a load, maybe two if the dryers were kind and efficient. Even with the new job, her first check was going to be two weeks away. It would not do to have stained, or questionable clothing worn the first two weeks. Especially with a new boss and new co-workers. Lauren swallowed hard and forced that thought out of the way for now. She'd take time to work on those anxieties with a therapist later. 

Later that night, basking in the glow of her good fortune, Lauren remembered the echo of a voice in her mind. "I'm sorry I've been so busy, but continue to write me as often as you can." The ghost of the hand that lay on her shoulder sent a shiver through Lauren's body. She knew the voice and the woman it belonged to. They had seen glimpses of each other every now and then. A few times in the grocery store, but no real conversation. It was as if the girl she was, had grown into adulthood without much change. 

But for Lauren, everything had changed. The nightmares dulled now. And she could remember one or two fond memories. She also knew that life for the person behind the voice had changed as well. The bumper stickers that plastered the back of her car were a testimony to how radically things had changed. It was a gay pride bonanza. Lauren had tried to reconnect. She wanted to dearly. Though she hadn't visited the new middle school yet, she fell asleep with the dream that the voice had awakened in her mind's eye.

On the other end of town as Lauren was getting her phone call, Julia Lasting, an English teacher with nearly fifteen years of experience with middle school students, was up to her neck in cardboard boxes. Her six-year-old son was playing in an empty corner with a small crate of action figures. All morning she had meetings, now she had a few hours to unpack and get her room set up the way she wanted. Furniture was still being delivered to every classroom and there was some question as to whether or not there would be electricity in her room when the first day came around. She could hear the grumblings of the subcontractors as they went around poking things and running wires in and out of walls. As it was, all the doors to her room were open but a heat lingered and the lights were off. All the same, Julia was bursting with energy. She was looking forward to teaching her classes of a new school year. 

Julia opened a box and began to arrange a bulletin board. She started with the poster for information PFLAG. And then a small pride flag. Every poster promoted a gay tolerant community and assistance for gay students. She knew that it wasn't a total acceptance in the town, but if a student was helped then that was all that mattered. Privately, she resolved no longer to be quiet about her sexuality at this new campus. There was no reason for rumors that the students had spread around the last campus she taught at; being upfront would just eliminate the issue at hand. It was a non-issue in her mind anyway; she wasn't dating and all of those intimate details were not for the students anyway.

Middle school had been the cornerstone of her life for the past several years. She eagerly looked forward to the age group, finding that observing their growth was reason enough to keep coming back every year. She found just the students themselves a dynamic mix ask they grew not only as academics but also as individuals. 

It was times like these, she'd think about all the students she had touched across the years. Certainly on all levels there had been simply hundreds. If she had done nothing else than convinced her most unprepared student to just have a pen and a piece of paper every day, then she had made her mark in that student's life. Without a doubt, there had been more achievements that were less strenuous: most were down right comical. And she briefly recognized the dramatic interventions she had been a part of. If they had a whisper of a prayer, the student received whatever help they could and they were quickly shuffled on. She didn't like to dwell on those too long. Most were more successful than failures, but at the time they felt all consuming. She had been in this job too long let those moments eat at her.

Down the hall, she could hear a rhythmic metallic clank as wheels crossed the grooves in the concrete. The custodian came in with a flatbed cart stacked with chairs and began to unload as Julia began to settle her desk and address a general outline of what she wanted to cover in her classes for the next few days until books could arrive.

"Ready for the first day Julia?" he asked as he cut the plastic on a pile of ten chairs and began to put them around the desks.

"Absolutely! There is just going to be so many good things this year. I can feel it!" The custodian gave a non-committal friendly smile and delivered the rest of the chairs, opting to shuffle out quietly. 

For the next thirty minutes, Julia made notes of pages to photocopy and other things she wanted to get done the next day. She was about to start looking at putting away some miscellaneous supplies, markers, highlighters, and various sized paperclips when a little scuffle in the corner from her son distracted her.

"Mom, it's four!" her son piped up from his corner covered in his mass of action figures using one to gesture at the red digital clock. He set about scooping all his little action figures onto the nearest table. He was eagerly anticipating a show on TV later and a promised dinner of chicken nuggets, a rare treat for him.

She set her mouth and made a few final notes in her planner. "Okay, let's go." She picked up her briefcase and left her classroom. She would finish digging through the remaining boxes tomorrow and then start organizing the prep room that was shared by the other teachers.



The Hardest Answer: Morning After



Julia stretched and slowly opened her eyes and inhaled. She smiled seeing Lauren asleep next to her. Julia kissed Lauren's forehead and reached for her robe. Lauren only turned on her side.

'She wasn't lying. She's not going to wake up for anything until she's good and ready.' Julia smiled to herself and went to go make coffee.

Wrapped in her robe, Julia felt a little giddy. Never once had she imagined that waking next to Lauren could be so eye opening. Falling asleep in Lauren's arms relaxed her in a way she never imagined she would have ever felt. No one had ever seemed to give her that peace of mind.

Lauren was a curious lover. She'd hesitate with every touch they shared, and at time seemed to be youthfully shy.

'Give her time.' She mused with a smile as she measured out the coffee into the filter and turned the machine on.

The smell of fresh coffee puzzled Lauren. She never had coffee so her mind flew to an immediate emergency, until she sat up and realized she wasn't at home. Lauren lifted the sheet she was under and looked down. Promptly pulling the sheet against her, a flush grew over her and Lauren stared at the ceiling for a moment trying to figure out what to do. With a quick glance at the door, she grabbed her t-shirt and found her underwear and her pants and pulled them on. She ran a hand through her hair wishing her hair were shorter.

Lauren looked around the room trying to locate her button down shirt and scratched the back of her head. Her hands repeatedly checked her pockets. One had a wallet the other had her keys.

Julia walked into the room with a cup of coffee and was slightly amused to see Lauren dressed.

"Trying to find everything?" she teased. 

"Well, I was pretty sure it wasn't a rip-your-clothes-off night." Lauren didn't respond, constantly patting her pockets and walking in a little circle.

"Are you okay?" Julia put down her cup on the dresser and found Lauren's shirt. Lauren was increasingly distracted walking around in circles by the bed. Lauren held one grey sock and looked at it detachedly unsure if she was going to put it on her hand and use it as a finger puppet or actually place it on her foot.

"Lauren come here." She pulled Lauren to the bed and sat next to her. Julia held Lauren close. Watching Lauren start to panic worried her greatly.

"Nothing is going to rush you right now Lauren. I'm here with you. Take your time." She whispered softly. Though Lauren's breathing was even and steady, Julia could feel Lauren's heart working overtime trying to reach a calming point.

Time passed slowly and finally Lauren spoke. 

"I've let your coffee get cold."

Julia laughed. "I can heat it again Lauren."

"I know it is a lot for you right now. This part, the waking up and knowing what to do and what might be going through the other person's mind, this is the hard part." Julia said softly. "It's okay Lauren. I still want you. I still feel everything I felt for you last night when we kissed. You don't have to go anywhere right this instant, unless you need to. You can stay here with me until you're ready to talk because I know you will need to talk."

Finally, after another few minutes, Lauren's voice cracked. "Thank you."

Julia could feel Lauren relaxing.

"Do you drink coffee?" Julia asked softly.

Lauren shook her head. "Good, because I was going to say you need to stay on decaf." Julia laughed softly.

"I have a new toothbrush in the medicine cabinet. There are clean towels on the rack if you want a shower. I'll make breakfast." She rubbed Lauren's back gently and stole a gentle kiss.

Lauren mechanically went into the bathroom and sat down on the covered toilet seat with the lid down. She still shivered with paranoia.

'She was happy. She is happy. Why can't I be happy?' The film in Lauren's mouth won her attention and she opened the medicine cabinet to find a toothbrush and began scrubbing her mouth. Lauren's preoccupation dulled her senses. She might have otherwise smiled at the fact that Julia's bathroom was well coordinated, and that her toothbrush was the only odd color in the entire bathroom: a green one in a room of subtle blues and golds. Everything had a place in Julia's bathroom, even the blue plastic stepstool her son used to reach the sink. However, unlike other women, Julia did not keep her makeup in the bathroom, so there was no clutter around the sink, even with Jeremy's nearly florescent blue cup dispenser. In the dispenser, were a series of paper cups based on his favorite cartoon.

Lauren's mental tirade continued despite herself.

'She wants to talk. What are we going to talk about? I don't know if I can talk about last night. Please let it not be about last night.' A flush flew over Lauren yet again. 

'How can I have sex and suddenly be afraid to talk about it with the one I had sex with? This is not okay. I need to be able to do this. She needs me to be able to do this.'

Lauren walked into the kitchen where Julia was busy toasting bread.

"Want anything in particular?" she stole yet another kiss from Lauren.

'I like this part.' Lauren told herself.

"Um, the toast looks good." 

"Orange juice or milk?"

"Juice will be fine. Anything you need help with?"

"No, I've got it all under control."

Julia set a plate down with toast and a cup of juice for Lauren and sat across from her with a cup of coffee. "What's it like when you panic Lauren? What do you hear in your mind?" it was a stiff probing question from Julia. 

She paused for a moment. 'She should know. It's not some dirty little secret.'

"It changes. Mostly its white noise of thoughts that I can't focus on one thought."

"What's in those thoughts?" What was in those thoughts that caused the anxiety just earlier?

Lauren played with the crusts of her bread trying to formulate the answer.

"I don't know. I guess it was weird waking up here. I didn't expect to. I don't know if there's stuff I'm supposed to do." She stared down the crusts wishing she didn't have to talk at all right now.

"Would you want what happened last night to happen again?" Lauren squirmed more both physically and emotionally.

Julia watched Lauren apprehensively, afraid that Lauren was going to deny her right at this moment. The hard questions needed to get out of the way now. The new day required that they face the reality of what both wanted.

Lauren continued to feel uneasy, she knew her answer wasn't even remotely constructed. Normally decisions requiring this much thought had more time between the question and the expected answer. To have Julia staring hopefully across the breakfast table with a sheaf of morning sunlight glaring off the well polished wood made things seem all the more vibrant and real. 

'Last night I was in your arms and I wanted to be there more than anything else in the world. Just take me and don't let me go.' Lauren looked across at Julia. Lauren swallowed hard trying to brace herself at least physically for the probability that Julia had morning after remorse.

"I wanted last night more than anything in the world. I don't see an end, but I don't know where to go from here. I didn't know where to start. I need your help." Tentatively, Lauren reached across the table to take Julia's hand and Julia was bowled over when Lauren did not only take her hand but gently caressed her fingertips with a kiss.

"You're the first person since my husband that I've had unprotected sex with Lauren." The awkwardness of the preamble to this conversation was apparent but Lauren just tipped her head to listen to Julia.

"I don't know who or what I was waiting for. But having you here last night, I knew it was you. I just want you to know that. It's not too late to ask me anything personal that you want answered Lauren. It's important to both of us, at least sexually. I know it's probably the last thing on your mind, but it's there for you."

Lauren nodded taking a sharp breath and still reaching out to play with Julia's fingertips. 

"I've never.." The honesty was unnecessary between the two of them. Julia held her hand. Lauren flushed uneasily and put her head down on the table. Julia ruffled Lauren's hair playfully a smile on her lips.

"I don't want you to go yet."



The Hardest Answer: Over Coffee



It was nearly six before Lauren got herself together to go to the grocery store on a hectic Thursday. Her monthly check was firmly deposited into her bank and she was going to enjoy getting a few groceries, laundry tackled, and maybe a little left over for some fun.

Working full time definitely has its perks. Though much of her check was stripped for important things such as retirement and health insurance, Lauren had a considerable sum that would allow for such little frivolities she had missed these many struggling years. 

Maybe a beer more often than once a month. Maybe possibly even some cookware that wasn't just for the microwave. The fantasies of small life pleasures were amusing to Lauren. It had been so long since she could even fathom having little perks in her day. She had some lingering guilt that perhaps she should save the money she wanted to have fun with, but there could not be a better way to spend at least a small amount of the extra money she received every month. Working those extended hours was supposed to give her some fun. 

But Lauren's head was still buzzing with Julia's random advice to everyone in the lunchroom today to get out and enjoy life. Lauren looked out the window to the grey skies and wonder why would anyone suggest enjoying life on a day like this. But as she was beginning to understand Julia, the adult Julia had become since Lauren was just a passing ship in her life, Lauren found that Julia decided to find every silver lining no matter what. The best she could figure was that this might have been some fall out from having been divorced, 'but what do I know about silver linings?' She wondered. She still felt her scars from Julia and her new mysterious cell phone lover, but Lauren had resigned herself to fate. Lauren could live with Julia being happy. Lauren would have to wait her turn to try and find someone to be that happy with.

Though it was drizzling outside, Lauren grabbed a jacket and headed across the street. She hit up a few key spots in the store: sandwich bread, deli counter for lunch meat, the cereal isle for a box of oatmeal, venturing even to grab a bag of salad to possibly eat over the next few days for lunch at work. She got in line and dumped her items onto the conveyor belt. The belt rolled forward and she grabbed a separator bar just as a young man walked up behind her.

"Thanks."

As the belt moved along, Lauren looked around rather bored.

"Hey did you go to high school here in town?" the man behind her asked.

Startled, Lauren looked over and realized that the man in a sweater and jeans, a little damp from the weather behind her did indeed go to high school with her.

"I did."

"I'm sorry, I forget your name."

"Lauren Hatfield, how are you doing Carson?"

He was a little surprised that she recalled his name. "I'm great actually."

"Twenty-eight, ninety-four." The checker smiled. Lauren swept her check card through and fiddled with the buttons.

"What have you been up to?"

"Um, I'm teaching at the new junior high. Yourself?" Lauren politely hated referring to herself as a teacher, but with Paul at the other campus nearly all day, she and Jo made all the decisions for their students without ever thinking about Paul's reaction to things. Paul, so far didn't bat an eye, fully supporting everything they decided.

"Paper or plastic?" asked the checker.

"Paper please."

"I'm finishing my last quarter of undergraduate work, History major."

Lauren forced a smile. "Well, good luck." Carson had been in both her English and history classes. He had not particularly stood out as a competent student in her mind, but her vision of the world had been colored by drive and ambition. In fact, it was her ambition that was a source of Carson's repeated cruel remarks. 

With her groceries now in one bag, she picked them up. "Well, nice seeing you." And with that, she walked out. She crossed the wet parking lot only to suddenly be blocked by a beaten up white car. She paused to let the car pass.

Carson had been a charmer. Girls wouldn't necessarily commit to him, not like some of the other boys, but they had eagerly said 'yes' if he asked them out. Lauren hadn't been like the other girls, in any sense. She wanted to go to college, which in itself wasn't so unusual. But boys, unless they had been her partners in class didn't really seem to garner her attention. She was generally thought of as nice, but odd.

The car window rolled down and Carson was inside. "Lauren, let me take you home." He said.

How did he get out of the store that quickly?

"No thank you, it's all right. I just live across the street." She smiled, hoping her shock didn't register. She stared into the open window of the car.

"Can we go out for coffee?" he asked.

"Um... another day, but sure." She gave in just wanting to get out of the rain. 

He opened up his car door and took her groceries.

"It won't be long." He insisted.

The coffee house was next to the grocery store and he brought over two cups of coffee to a table.

'If my groceries were not held hostage right now...'

"Do you take sugar or cream?"

Lauren paused. She had actually never had a cup of coffee before. "Both." she said a brightly as possible hoping that the drink would not be as horrifying as she had been told. Lauren just never got into coffee drinking while in college. She imagined it as some 'adult' thing and she never considered herself an adult. It was partially why the children at school loved learning from her as much as playing board games with her. It also allowed Jo and Paul to commiserate over the progress of certain students while the group was totally distracted.

Carson handed her a million little brown sugar packages and Lauren ripped open two and poured it in and then stirred her cup. The cream was on the shelf.

"So what's it like teaching?" he asked.

"Um, different. I really like working with the students, they provide endless interesting moments. How about you, going to grad school?"

"I don't know."

The awkward pause in their conversation prompted Lauren's mind. You told your autistic students to work on their conversation skills. You should too.

"What is your favorite era in history?" she asked him relying on a trick one of her students had recently deployed. Unfortunately for him, after learning of someone's 'favorite' fill-in-the-blank, he'd spout off as much information that he knew about the particular subject or related materials.

"I've found myself concentrating on the Ottoman Empire. It's the longest lasting modern era."

'And the bloodiest.' She recalled.

"Lasted right to the beginning of the twentieth century?" she asked sipping on her cup.

'Oh good grief, this stuff is foul.' Lauren did her best to hide her distaste.

"You know, I never thought you'd become a teacher. I always thought you disliked working with us in school. You were always so on task."

Lauren felt a rush to her face. "It came naturally, if I had to explain why I was doing something in group work, I usually had to even show my thought philosophy."

"Yeah." he said dreamily for a moment. "You were hell bent on this thing in chemistry one year. I was dating your partner, Kerry. She was astounded on all your research and then the report; it was nearly fifteen pages typed with notes and a four-page bibliography. But she remembered all the details you put in, the pictures and your ability to simplify the technology out."

Lauren shrugged. "Like you said, I was 'on task'."

"We were cruel to you, I'm sorry. Even that time we started that rumor you were gay so no one would ask you out to the prom."

Lauren was a little taken aback. She hadn't heard the rumor, and even if she had, she wouldn't have gone to prom. She couldn't be in a room for so long with these people back then, a fact that had helped ease the tiny hurt she had from not being included especially since she couldn't have asked her parents for the money to attend. Even still, sometimes in college, it had hurt not to have memories or pictures like the others. They always looked like they were having fun. Yes, she knew that there was always some sort of teen created drama, but to have had a friend or two from then would have made some parts of her life today less lonely.

'Julia said I should address my sexuality. I should enjoy today she said.' Lauren shook her head clear, she was here with Carson. She should try and enjoy herself. Besides, when was the last time a guy ever took her out for anything?

"But you sure turned out really pretty Lauren." he smiled at her as she was uneasily trying to take another sip of cold coffee. 'Memo: Cold coffee worse than hot coffee.'

Weakly, Lauren murmured 'Thank you.'

Carson leaned over and stole a kiss. Lauren had never been kissed before. His lips felt like two pieces of fish flopping about her face trying to suck her nose off. She sat shocked. She felt herself try and to escape to her panicked place, but she held herself firmly rooted, sapping every ounce of strength.

"I-I need to get home Carson." she stammered looking away. "Thank you for the coffee."

Carson looked puzzled but took her to his car and she grabbed her one bag of groceries and ran home without looking back. With the door firmly shut behind her, Lauren sunk to the floor and cried.

She wasn't quite sure what really triggered it. If it had been Carson's admission or just the kiss... but that wasn't the important issue at hand. She hugged herself tightly and then carefully got up, leaving her wet things by the door, forcing herself to put her groceries away. Ignoring all the plans she had for the evening, she curled into bed and closed her eyes, hoping that today was only a dream.

Friday morning was as dreary as the previous morning made even more dreary now that the confusion that swirled in Lauren's mind. She couldn't understand why she was kissed. Or even why she had so much thought on the kiss. 

From student to student, from class to class, Lauren walked through her haze unsure of what to do or say. 

'This is probably something I should talk with someone about.' She admitted reluctantly over her quiet lunch in the staff room where she sat alone while everyone else scurried about copying and chatting amongst themselves.

And as if she had heard Lauren's thoughts, Julia came over and sat down next to Lauren. 

"How are things going?" she asked. "I didn't get to see you today; Ginny was absent." The copy machines helped privatize their conversation.

Lauren shrugged and looked around reluctant to speak. Inside, Julia's heart held for a moment, sad to see that Lauren was falling back on an old habit.

"There's this event next weekend. I'd like you to come with me. I'll drive." Offered Julia. "I think you'll like learning about what's going to be there." She said emphatically.

"Okay, next Saturday?" Lauren asked as she folded her worn paper bag. Julia nodded.



The Hardest Answer: Parents



Julia picked up the ringing phone and watched Lauren in the backyard with Jeremy.

"Hello?"

"Julia? This is your mother." Julia suppressed a groan.

"Hi Mom, how are you doing?"

Her mother's bright voice perked up. "I haven't seen you or Jeremy in months. I wanted to invite you to dinner on Saturday night."

"That's nice of you Mom, I'll see if I can keep Jeremy a little longer on Saturday then." Julia would have weaseled her way out of the dinner right then and there, but her mother would have seen right through her attempts.

And then Julia watched Jeremy squeal with glee as Lauren picked him up over her head and headed indoors. Julia looked at their faces and was suddenly compelled by some strange force, and before she knew it, she found her voice saying, "Mom, could I bring a guest?" 

"A guest?" her mother blinked over the end of the phone.

"I'd like you to meet someone."

"I guess it would be all right..." her mother sounded very skeptical. Having and accepting a gay daughter was one thing. Having and accepting a gay daughter's girlfriend was something entirely different.

"We'll be there around seven Mom. Want me to bring anything?"

"Just you, Jeremy, ..." she hesitated, "And your guest."

Lauren put Jeremy on the ground and sent him on his way. She joined Julia as the phone was hung up. 

"Who was that?"

"My mom."

"Good news? Bad news? None of my business?" Lauren ducked into the fridge and selected a package of carrot sticks and started to gnaw away.

"How would you like to go to dinner with Jeremy and I on Saturday at my parent's house?"

Lauren coughed and spit out bits of chewed carrots in the sink and then ran some water.

"Your parents want all three of us for dinner?" Lauren tried to keep her voice even but it came out incredulous.

'There has got to be a way out.'

"Well, they really just want to see Jeremy, and they know I won't let him go over there without me and I guess it's as good as time as any to let them know I've been spending time with you. I don't want them treating you horribly if I'm not around. They will if they don't know who you are." Julia went over put a hand on Lauren's back.

'Okay, no way out.'

Lauren gripped the edge of the counter. Julia saw Lauren's knuckles turn white. "I'm going to be there Lauren. I won't leave you alone with them. I know it's a huge step for you, but they'll be so busy spoiling Jeremy, they won't really think about you." She rubbed Lauren's back hoping her predictions would come true.

Lauren nodded, knowing there would be no turning back. Julia's mother expected that she would show up.

"I wish I could lie to you about this and tell you my parents will love you. It's going to be hard for both of us, but we're together Lauren. I won't stand with them if they are less than cordial to you." Julia reassured Lauren.

Lauren found her voice. "It's in seven days. I'll figure it out on Saturday." But even Lauren knew how quickly time could wind its way through the hand of time. 

Their marriage was nearly forty years old, and the one truth they shared without a second thought: Annabelle and Lucas Cabot loved their daughter Julia. They had liked their son until he came to them with some very disturbing news right after their grandson was born. Their daughter, according him, was a lesbian. 

Lucas Cabot was sixty-five years old, but you would have never known it by the way he grabbed Gill Bennet and tossed him out onto the sidewalk. He had never had a reason to toss any other man out of his house until that day. A few years later, he had admitted to Julia that he had enjoyed doing it.

The Cabots had supported their daughter to the best of their knowledge. Certainly it had been one thing for their daughter to say she was a 'lesbian' and know she went to places where those people existed. And she helped some children out of an unfortunate situation. They believed their daughter was doing well in the world as a teacher.

But when she learned that her daughter was bringing someone over, it unnerved Annabelle Cabot. She knew she had to tell her husband, but she decided to let him know that there would be more than just Jeremy and Julia. A guest. It was better this way. He would agree with her after the evening was over. And perhaps, they would be able to ask their daughter never to bring a guest again. 

Saturday came all too quickly for Lauren. And before she knew it, she was in front of a red door with shiny brass door fixtures holding a bottle of wine that Julia had selected. And then the doorbell was pressed and there was no escaping what she was about to walk into.

"You'll be okay." Julia whispered and took Lauren's hand.

"Julia! Jeremy!" Julia's mother opened the door, a silver haired woman scooped up Jeremy into a bear hug and squeezed in her large matronly arms.

"Come on in. Dinner will be ready in a minute. Jeremy why don't you run on into Grandpa, he's in the office." Annabelle looked up and saw Lauren and stopped in her tracks.

Julia took the opportunity to move closer and shove Lauren through the door. "Mom, this is Lauren."

"Nice to meet you." Lauren offered her hand to shake, all too aware that the door was closing behind her and realized the bottle of wine was in her outstretched hand. "I hope you don't mind, we brought a wine." Lauren covered herself quickly. 

Julia's mother looked at Lauren and forced a smile and accepted the wine. "Thank you. Please have a seat in the family room."

"Who's Lauren? Your girlfriend?" teased a man from another room.

"No!" It was Jeremy giggling, "She's Mom's girlfriend."

The elder man in a sweater vest and a plaid shirt stalked to the entryway and stared at Julia and then Lauren.

"Lauren, this is my father." Julia led Lauren into the family room. The elderly man gawked at the guest in his house, his grandson's hand firmly gripped in his own. Julia saw her father look at her with a glimmer of tear in his eyes as if to say 'it is true.'

"Nice to meet you." Lauren sized up her competition. She figured if the old man was really in a fighting mood, she had at least forty pounds on him; he couldn't just toss her into the street. Lauren squared herself up, and put an arm around Julia.

"So Mom, is there anything I can do to help you in the kitchen?" Julia sensed it would be better that Lauren and her father go toe to toe and figure this one out for themselves. 

'Besides, Jeremy is right there. Lauren wouldn't start anything violent with Jeremy right there.' She reassured herself hoping she was right. 

"Annabelle didn't tell me Julia was bringing a guest." He cleared his throat, hoping to excuse his stunned expression. He sized up the girl that Julia had brought to join them. She looked like a man with long hair was the best he could come up with.

"I didn't mean to surprise you."

"No matter, Julia does what she pleases. I'm getting used to it finally." He stared at Lauren suspiciously for a moment. "How old are you?"

"Old enough that Julia enjoys my company."

The old man snorted. "Well, at least you're funnier than that Gill fellow."

Clearly bored by the strained conversation, Jeremy piped up not to be forgotten. "Can I turn on the TV Grandpa?"

"Hey sport, why don't you talk to your grandfather instead? You watched TV after soccer today." Lauren suggested rumpling Jeremy's hair. The old man winced seeing her touch his grandson.

"You played soccer today?" Asked the older man sitting on the couch patting the space next to him to have Jeremy join him as far away from that woman as possible.

"Yep."

"What position?" the elder asked with grandfatherly curiosity.

"Goalie!" Jeremy proclaimed proudly.

"So you do anything as goalie or did you just sit around?"

"I stopped two attempts, I think Mom brought the tapes that Lauren made today of my game." The comment brought both Lauren and Julia's father to a screeching halt.

Lauren remembered the camcorder bag in the car.

"I could certainly show it for your grandfather if he was interested." She said carefully.

Jeremy looked up intently at his grandfather who was torn between giving his grandson due attention and then recognizing this woman who clearly was spending more time with his grandson than he was.

"Why don't we save that for later Jeremy, okay?" Lauren quickly suggested.

"Okay." Lauren relaxed a little, grateful that Jeremy was either immune to the tension in the house or was choosing not to partake in the debate.

They sat in silence for a minute while Lauren tried desperately to find something to connect with Julia's father on. 

'Well, he could be polishing his shot gun right now.' Lauren was trying to find whatever positive spin she could to get through this horrendous evening.

In the kitchen silence was the only thing that Julia had thought could possibly make the evening better. 

"She's so young! She still looks like a baby herself! I bet she's barely older than some of your students. You should know better." Her mother scolded.

'Wait until you find out she used to be my student.' Julia mused but was definitely going to keep that fact from the table as long as possible. Julia knew that springing a relationship like this on her parents would have been very taxing. She would have liked to at least count on her parents treating Lauren like a friend and nothing more. Her parents were not dead; they knew that Julia and Lauren were more than friends. It might have been easier if they could convince themselves of this fabrication, but then again, she had not presented Lauren to them in that manner.

"Lauren and I have addressed all of this. We're very happy Mom. Jeremy likes her and things are really good for the two of us." She reassured her mother.

Annabelle put the dark wheat rolls into a breadbasket. "Your poor father must be tearing that child to bits out there. How can you leave her out there like this?"

"She'll be fine Mom." Julia hoped she wasn't lying, "Now what did you make for dinner?"

"All of Jeremy's favorites...wait she's not one of those funny vegetarian types?" Julia's mother paused trying to figure out if she might have something for 'those funny vegetarian types' to eat at her dinner table.

'Because that would make it easier tonight to have a vegetarian and a lesbian instead two lesbians who love each other at your dinner table?' Julia joked with herself and then spoke to reassure her mother. "Lauren will be fine Mom. I think I had to stop her the other day from eating raw meat." The joke was lost on her mother and Julia just uncorked the bottle of wine and grabbed four glasses for the dinner table hoping she believed her own words. 

Another thought struck Julia, 'You'd find a vegetarian more disturbing than your daughter's girlfriend?' 

"Dinner's ready." Called Julia's mother with her false cheery nature. The evening was already strained as it was.

'And not a blessed moment too soon.' Lauren sighed.

"Jeremy please go wash your hands and show Lauren where the bathroom is." Ordered Julia as she helped to bring out a few of the side dishes to the linen covered, hand carved, oak panel table. It had been in Julia's family for as long as anyone could remember. It had born numerous scrapes from knives, scorches from hot dishes and tonight it was the peacemaker between Julia, Lauren and Julia's parents. Undoubtedly, it could stand another set of scrapes and scorches tonight. Whether it was going to be from sharp hurtful words or a dish, Julia was not quite sure.

Jeremy eagerly took Lauren's hand and led her down the entry way and under the stairs. Jeremy waited as Lauren opened his cuffs and rolled his sleeves up so he could wash his hands without splattering everywhere. When he was done and dried, Lauren buttoned his cuffs and sent him down to the dining room table. Lauren went into the bathroom under the stairs and paused for a moment over the sink.

'Just get through dinner, pleasant conversation and you're home free.' She gave herself the little pep talk while she turned on the sink and scrubbed her hands.

She dried her hands on a fluffy white guest towel and then joined the table that had already been laid with white napkins. Gratefully, she saw that Julia had a place for her closer to Julia's mother. Lauren knew that he was glaring at her as she entered and sat next to Julia, she didn't need him to stare at her the entire time they were eating. Jeremy was sitting next to his grandfather giggling over some silly joke they shared.

'Though I imagine I won't be eating much.' She sighed internally. "It all looks amazing." Lauren complimented.

"So how long have you and Julia been seeing each other?" asked Julia's mother as she served Jeremy and her husband vegetables from a large dish.

'Thank you too.' "Um, I think that's nearly nine months now."

"Takes nine months to have a baby too." Breathed Julia's mother as vegetables were served to both Julia and Lauren. Julia shot her mother a glance in Lauren's defense. Lauren felt internally grateful and reminded herself to thank Julia later. If the roles were reversed, Lauren wasn't sure she would have the bravery to defense.

All the different dishes, thin slices of marinated beef, homemade wheat rolls, and an apple chutney sauce of some sort were each flavorful and aromatic. Lauren had to admit she had never tasted such wonderful dishes, wishing that there could be something to lighten the air. Julia's left hand squeezed her thigh as if she had read her mind. Thankfully Jeremy's bright chatter about school and soccer filled the uneasy silence between the adults.

"Jeremy, please use your knife." Julia corrected from the other end of the table. Annabelle gratefully leaned over and showed her grandson how to use his knife. He looked up to his grandfather and the old man nodded sagely prompting Jeremy to pay attention to his grandmother.

"Let me help you clear." Lauren offered after dinner suddenly feeling brave.

"Oh no, I couldn't ask you to do that." Julia's mother said. 

"You're not asking, I'm offering." Lauren said gently but firmly as she carefully gathered the plates and followed Julia's mother into the kitchen.

"Do you pre-rinse or are you going to want these washed by hand?" Lauren asked as she set the dishes carefully on the island.

"Why would I wash the everyday dishes by hand?" Julia's mother asked peevishly.

Lauren sensed an opportunity to turn up her charm and did so. "Well I thought these were the fine dishes, they made the meal so festive."

"I can see why my daughter likes you. You best treat her right." Annabelle wished she could take the warning back as soon as it had left her mouth, but was relieved with Lauren's comment.

"I do every chance she'll let me." Lauren scraped Jeremy's meal into the trash and rinsed the dish in hot water before setting it carefully into the dishwasher.

"I've not met any other women like you and her before. You're the first she's ever brought here."

'Well, we're all coming out of the woodwork.' Lauren nodded.

"I'm sure Lucas was gruff with you, but he gets to see Jeremy so infrequently, it's like Julia doesn't want him to be around us."

Lauren said nothing and then carefully shook the crumbs from a napkin in the sink before folding it and placing it on the sideboard. 

"You sure you two know what you're doing?" Annabelle asked. "It's all so...strange."

'Let's keep the details vague.' Lauren decided.

"We're all right Mrs. Cabot. Not everything is going to be perfect. Not everyone is going to like who we are, and that's okay. I've never asked anyone to like me or what I do." 

Annabelle nodded curtly. "You just take care of our girl and bring our grandson around more. And don't hurt her." Annabelle leveled a kitchen knife at Lauren.

"I have no intention of thinking about hurting her ever." Lauren promised eyeing the blade of the kitchen knife closely.

"Are you going to have a baby of your own?" she asked putting down the kitchen knife. 

'Uh, none of your business.' "Julia and I have not discussed that possibility yet." Lauren wondered what she had done offering to help with the dishes.

In the living room while Jeremy sat in front of the TV, Julia turned to speak quietly to her father.

"What do you think of Lauren?" she asked pointedly.

"The boy is taken with her. You should have never let those two come together." He said quietly.

"It can't be undone Dad. But she's good to him, and me." She watched her father look away in embarrassment.

"I would lie to you Dad if I thought it would help us, but it does no one any good. Lauren and I love each other in all the ways I have seen you and Mom love each other all these years. I know you wished I could have continued my marriage with Gill, but it would have been a lie." She explained as gently and as directly as she could.

"And what does she do for a living?"

"She's a graphic artist, but she works at the school with disabled students in between private contracts."

"Artist! Ha!" her father snorted.

"Mom! Lauren's commercial!" Jeremy pointed at the screen excitedly. Lucas Cabot looked over at the TV.

"She didn't write the commercial, but all the other details are hers, and hers alone. She has been in nearly fifty-seven print magazines alone in the past year Dad. She's good at what she does. You won't have to worry about her and money."

"I'll worry about my daughter and grandson as I see fit." He answered gruffly, taken by the commercial. He asked Jeremy, "You saw her put that stuff together?"

"She did it all at Mom's house." He claimed excitedly. "She told me about each character and what the characters were going to do and she made me promise until last week that I couldn't tell anyone. Mom didn't even get to see it. She let me choose a color to put on the dancing rabbit."

"Silly noise box." The elder man grumbled. "People make a mint off of what other people think they can do." 

Julia saw past his bluster, he was impressed. She knew she couldn't press Lauren on him repeatedly, but it was a start. Julia kissed Lauren's cheek as they pulled away from Gill's house after dropping Jeremy off for the week.

"Thank you for tonight, you have no idea what it meant to me." She said.

"It wasn't too bad. I figured as long as your father wasn't showing me his gun or knife collection things would be just peachy." Lauren quipped.

Julia laughed heartily. "I was so nervous. I was afraid for you, but you did wonderfully."

"Can we stop and get some beer or something to watch TV with tonight."

"You don't drink an entire bottle."

"I feel the ability coming on." 



The Hardest Answer: Reconnecting



The August morning of the Monday before school was blinding, and if it hadn't been for the mirrored sunglasses, Lauren would be squinting. Lauren braved running her bike over the small dirt piles left by the construction workers because they hadn't finished the soft-scape yet. She pulled up along side the bike racks and slowly put her battered sneaker to the dusty asphalt. She locked her bike to an available rack and looked at the brand new school. Baby blades of grass poked up in spots between saplings strapped to stakes. Everything was freshly painted and clean. Even the concrete had been hosed down to rid it of the thin layer of dust generated by the landscapers.

Last minute touches by various contractors were occurring. The distant sounds of tools bounced around the empty quad. She saw a few adults meandering to their destinations.

Cynically, Lauren knew within weeks the white concrete would be scuffed and grey once the students started using the campus. Lauren swiveled around and oriented to the campus looking for the room she would meet her co-workers. As she came in from the bike racks, there were some undeterminable classrooms on her right; she guessed the next building was the administration wing. The building dead in front of her was labeled 'Library'.

No mistaking that room. She mused. A sharp turn to the left, and then she realized, the school was so new, they hadn't put room numbers up yet, but the building label would assure her that she had the right wing.

The rooms where the first meeting could occur were all locked and Lauren was twenty minutes early in chinos and a blue cambric shirt that she had starched herself this morning. Thankfully, the morning weather decided to cooperate and saturate the small concrete quad with heat, she didn't know what she would do if her starch started to wilt. She said hello to her former Spanish teacher and hoped to be in her class. Secretly, she'd never admit it, but Lauren could use the booster in vocabulary. And then at ten minutes to the hour she heard a bit of a scream.

"Lauren Hatfield?" The voice was unmistakable. 

Suddenly Lauren trembled. The past fifteen years had slipped away and she was a child yet again.

'It's her.'

Lauren shifted her briefcase strap showing only a few threads from its usage around her shoulders and shoved her hands into her pockets as she did a parade 'about face' to see her former teacher nearly running to greet her. Clearly Ms. Lasting was bucking for the 'loud and proud' with her bleached short hair and loud color choices for her clothing. It didn't matter; Lauren could fake her way through this. She swallowed hard.

"Yes ma'am?" Lauren closed the gap of space between them and was sucked into a two-armed hug, which she returned as much as she felt comfortable. 

"Are you working here?" Ms. Lasting was incredulous. She never imagined ever seeing Lauren again. Lauren took off her glasses wiped them clear and squinted and Julia saw Lauren's dark brown eyes.

Lauren nodded and squared up her shoulders. Ms. Lasting barely made it past her eye level. "In the special needs program, as an aide."

"But we'll be colleagues!" she said happily.

"I don't know if any of my students will be in your class." Lauren hadn't expected to see Ms. Lasting, but there was some tiny part deep inside Lauren that brightened seeing her there.

"We'll still be colleagues." She still insisted. Lauren let it drop. 

"Glad to see you. We need to catch up." Lauren nodded. Another stifling hug followed. Lauren gratefully returned her glasses to her face. Lauren watched as Ms. Lasting skipped away, wanting more than anything to just stay in that very moment. With a bemused grin, Lauren thought, you'd think I wanted her like some lovesick teenager. With a shudder, she turned away hoping her new boss would wander her way to distract her. Around the corner, came a beleaguered tall man in shorts and a t-shirt that held the names of Special Olympic Sponsors. He had three boxes loaded with papers and he was trying to juggle his keys.

"Paul?" she asked drawing close to the door.

"Lauren?" she nodded and offered to take a few boxes from him.

His gratitude was apparent. "Good we'll start our meeting in a minute when Jo shows up."

Lauren nodded and entered the darkened classroom. It looked foreign to her. The white boards, the computers and the jumbled pile of grey tables existed in regular classrooms typically. Not in a special education room. Lauren was impressed.

"This stuff is ours?" she saw the fact that the computers were not only clean but they were new.

"Yeah. Every classroom got computers." He was clearly overwhelmed himself. He dropped a packet in front of her. "You should read this before Jo gets here."

Lauren nodded and settled into a chair to begin to read the packet. It was a list of policy and procedure that Paul wanted throughout the academic year. Jo entered, she was bubbly and made her introduction to Lauren on her own while Paul continually dialed the phone trying to balance issues that were arising on both campuses and relieving fears of parents. Jo was a forty-year-old mother of three rambunctious boys, one of whom had a disability. She had been working in the program for as long as her sons had been enrolled, aiming to return and get a Masters in teaching eventually. Lauren considered her role with her new co-worker carefully. And as it turned out, fortunately for Lauren, Jo was a lot more vocal than she was.

"So how are we going to do the math intervention class with you at the other campus?"

"The book is self-explanatory, the kids move at their own pace. You'll be fine it isn't rocket science." And it was true, the first eight lessons were all about adding and subtracting. Lauren squelched her initial boredom. The thought of following the direct script over and over again like some scale on a piano wasn't exactly appealing. 

'Money to pay your bills.' The thought refocused her attention and she looked at the material he had dumped in front of her.

Though she was attentive during the small meeting, her head echoed with Ms. Lasting's voice. It was intoxicating. Lauren couldn't shake the feeling of the hug.

'Has it been that long since someone touched you?' Lauren chided herself. She wasn't really the type of person to be very tactile. She wasn't much for being touched. So when there was an opportunity for any sort of intimate contact, even one as platonic as a hug from someone from her past, Lauren felt strange. She could hear herself be elated and frightened at the same time. Oddly, to her this time, her elation was much more prevalent than it had ever been. 

'I just must be glad to see her again after all of these years.' Lauren reasoned.

Julia, back in her classroom wasn't nearly as preoccupied with anything other than the impending school year. Briefly, her eyes fell on the pile of action figures on a table in the corner. Her son was at his father's for the day enjoying the last full week before his classes began. She wanted to float through and get everything done. The dictionaries had arrived; textbooks were still being processed. She sometimes marveled at the way logistics fell into place when pressure was appropriately placed. She picked up a canvas tote and brushed the action figures into the bag setting it by the door so she could take them home.

The staff was slowly trickling in for the day and settling in to prepare for the last bits before school started. Meeting up with Lauren was a highlight for the day. She was so excited for her former student who at one time might not have lived long enough to see this school built. She seemed to have come a long way from the introverted child that skulked in the darkest corners like so many of her peers. She couldn't wait to see what Lauren was capable as an adult.

She turned to the boxes that were placed on her desk and opened them, locating dry erase markers and an assortment of general office supplies. She looked up as she turned to take the supplies to her closet. She saw Lauren shake Paul and another woman's hand and then head to the bike racks. A smile came across Julia's face: there wasn't a doubt now; saving Lauren had been a grace of all that was good in the universe. 

Lauren has a million ways to still contribute to this world; I'm glad I'll get to see some of it now. She thought and then turned to start stacking the items into her closet. A parent volunteer bustled into the room and sorted a pile of copying. 

"Thank you!" Julia called cheerily after the parent who bustled out to another classroom.



The Hardest Answer: Unspoken



A rather quiet Sunday downtown, and Lauren looked at the woman sitting in the movie theater box office. She had gay pride written all over her. The nameless woman in the box office spoke through the speaker, her voice garbled by the technology and the three teens gathered their money and tickets.

'I bet everyone hits on her.' She sighed sinking onto the bench concrete planter created while she scanned the marquee trying to decide what movie to see: a late birthday present to herself courtesy of her first paycheck from work. Yet another reminder that being alone was not fun. She would have asked Jo if Jo didn't have children at home. Anyone, just so she wouldn't have to go to the movies alone. But resolve won over. And this offered an opportunity to sit here and question her own sexuality in ways Lauren had not ever thought she would think about. 

It felt like just yesterday, she might have been able to just walk away and be a non-sexual being. She had enjoyed her sexual ambiguity.

Too bad sexuality requires someone to respond to my action. She sighed softly. She knew that wasn't necessarily true: she could be very sexual without anyone else. She just wondered what it might be like to understand that someone else had physical wants and needs. It's a huge leap. Lauren conceded. She often could only barely understand what she needed.

Lauren looked again at the woman trying to decide if she was just simply cute or just intriguing. 

Her short dyed hair and the rainbow earring hanging from her left ear left only a little for Lauren to expound her limited imagination. Her heart pounded in her ears.

Lauren swallowed her resolve was finite. She was going to ask this woman out, go down in endless flames, and begin her first step into the rest of her life. It was the depth of her conviction, which was unusual for Lauren. In her entire life had anyone asked her 'why' at that very moment she had made a crucial life decision, she would have only shrugged, but today, she knew why: she had a crush on Ms. Lasting. 

Lauren started to walk to the box office, her money burning a hole in her pocket and then she had the strangest thought: 'I'd rather ask Ms. Lasting out.'

She paused in her tracks and looked at the box office, the temptation of asking her first woman out stood only feet away, but the thought of asking Ms. Lasting.

'No, wait if I'm going to ask her out, I have to call her 'Julia.'' The resolve was growing stronger. 'Julia.' Her name redirected Lauren elsewhere. It didn't matter that Lauren would not be able to see the movie that was only going to be in the theater for one more day right that instant. Lauren stuck her hands in her jean pockets and trudged home through the small piles of browned oak leaves.

'Julia.' Her name was distracting to Lauren. At work, if she saw her walking around the halls, Lauren would watch her.

Lauren trembled, unlocking her apartment, nearly devastated by the realization that her thoughts repeatedly were independently about Julia. What had surprised her most of any thought: was simply that Julia was ever present in her mind.

This awakening was disturbing and hard to address. And every night, after a day fraught with frustrations with her students, trying to understand her role as an employee, or as a member of such a large collective, Julia's image floated above her, calming her into her dreams. Lauren would close her eyes tight and try to imagine anything else, the whole time wondering, 'Why is it bad for me to see her as an image?' Lauren entered her apartment and locked the door behind her kicking off her shoes.

Lauren settled into bed, her hands behind her head looking up at the white ceiling allowing Julia's image to float above her. And then, equally startling, she saw the image in her mind to lean in and hug her, just like Julia had done on the first day of school. And the face that her shoulder had cradled, it turned, and kissed her neck.

Lauren jolted out of the fantasy. Not so much because it was too real for her mind, but because she realized she had wanted that to happen. 'She'd be my first kiss.' Lauren was a little goofy with the thought. Having been shunned by the boys in high school and again the men in college, mostly because she wasn't interested and mostly because she was afraid of them, Lauren had never been kissed by another person. 

'What would it feel like?' she wondered. Lauren moved as if to allow the image of Julia a place next to her on the bed and snuggled up against her as if she had really been there. Julia would idly play with the crease on the white sheet folded against her chest. It brought a coy smile to Lauren's face. 

She saw her first kiss like some movie scene. Julia would carefully take her chin in her hand and tip her face just the right direction drawing her close. Their lips would brush softly; Lauren would tentatively lick Julia's lips as Julia's left hand came up at the back of her head. Lauren would guide her hands to draw Julia's body against her rock solid body. Their breasts would smash against each other, as Julia would guide Lauren into the art form of such a deep and wonderful kiss.

Lauren felt a sigh as her eyes closed to the image. 

'Okay, this can be a crush.' She conceded, her heart pounding in anticipation. But even her concession was unsettling. More information was needed to convince Lauren that this crush was worth having.

'And a fantasy crush is not exactly like going through the motions. It's just an idea.' She reminded herself. 'A really great idea I wish would come true.' She smirked. Lazily, she stretched and closed her eyes, curling on her side.

However, the next day her distraction of Julia would become much more distressing. Lauren was meandering to her second PE class, taking a longer break than usual mostly to keep her mind from swimming with the confusion that was her math class. She had time to burn: she wasn't needed in the locker room and the routine established by the automated warm-up system the PE teachers used rendered her generally useless for the first fifteen minutes. Heading to a PE class, Lauren glanced across the empty hall, to her surprise, she saw Julia standing outside of her classroom talking on her cell phone. 

Lauren didn't bother to wave or be acknowledged, just bent her head down and headed dutifully to her class. Protected by her sunglasses, she kept Julia in the corner of her eye. Inside, she felt light and a smile creep to her lips. Seeing Julia these days did that to her.

Then, Lauren was startled by something that came out of Julia. She giggled, "Oh really?" she asked with the wide smile on her face, lost in her private conversation.

Lauren's heart dropped. 'She's flirting with someone.'

Lauren swallowed hard and headed into PE with determination, pushing down the uncomfortable churning in her stomach. She tried to give herself a little reassurance.

'She is happy, that's what is really important. She told herself.'

Again, her conscience came up as she tossed a basketball to her student. 'She's such a beautiful woman; no one would pass up the chance to date her.'

But no matter what she told herself, it didn't stem the sinking feeling in her heart. The disappointment was such a deep cut, but Lauren forced a generally happy face. Her stomach twisted as she ate lunch, oblivious to the behaviors of her students that she should have curtailed.

As she biked home, she gently reminded herself one very important fact: she did not know what context the giggle was given. It was her own paranoia that automatically leapt to the assumed conclusion. It clearly wasn't an illogic conclusion; she after all, could not pass up a chance to even spend private time with her, if the opportunity existed.

The sob held in her throat. She had happier thoughts to occupy her mind. Dwelling on this unpleasantness that was beyond her control was not what she wanted, especially right now.

'When I'm ready, I'm certain love will find me.' She reasoned with herself, but it still didn't fill the void of curiosity and longing that was beginning to win within herself. Patiently, Lauren pushed away the feeling having associated it with her depression.

'I have so much to be grateful for; I have so much to learn and do.' The mantra calmed her until her eyes grew heavy and she could no longer feel her emotions protesting against the demand for sleep.

In her own room, Julia sat up as the sun barely started to scratch at the sky's dark colors. She could no longer sleep. She instead hugged her legs and watched as the sun softened the sky's colors. First the hazy hues of blue and purple, and the clouds turned to grey and pink from the stringy white wisps. 

And as she looked through her window, she wondered if Lauren was up already. Lauren looked very different than the child she had remembered. There was definitely more physical weight, but what was more gratifying was more confidence from Lauren. 

The child she remembered was hardly a shell of a person. Lauren had struggled so hard, and she was so close to losing herself. Even as a child, she was tormented by a series of demons, her family her struggles with coming to terms with a new understanding of perfection and the rush of hormones. Lauren reached a philosophical and existential level much sooner than her peers. It was moderately frustrating to watch her struggle because Lauren was reaching so much beyond herself before she really had an ability to really understand the questions that she was posing.

But Lauren had trusted her almost as an idol. Even when circumstances were the bleakest for Lauren, Lauren faithfully did her class work and homework without a moment of a whimper. But the thoughts that had been encompassing Lauren whenever school was not a focus began to hamper her as she tried to reach to an adulthood that would not have been possible at such a young age. 

Julia's thoughts quickly stretched away from the world that would have destroyed Lauren.

'Lauren is still here.' She reminded herself gratefully and hugged her knees harder.

But something in a recent memory made Julia think things had not quite reached their pinnacle. 'Dating hasn't happened of any gender.' The memory had floated in front of Julia causing her brow to furrow. The comment was awkward even for Lauren. Lauren had come to a place where she understood that she was different, but not necessarily ready to question.

'Has she decided to come out? Is she ready? Is she still questioning?' Julia wondered if she was the right person to help Lauren find this path for herself. Without hesitation, Julia wanted to be the one who Lauren came to with questions. It would complete the circle that had begun so long ago. And she would undeniably develop a friendship. 

It felt natural that Lauren would lean to her; Julia did not want to do anything to discourage it. After all, her own coming out had only been five years ago. Certainly things hadn't changed that much in the community in terms of accepting non-straight people. She used that term because it fully enveloped the umbrella better than the multi-letter acronyms used by most organizations. The letters did nothing to make people feel less uncomfortable, but she wasn't going make any apologies for being a lesbian.

Julia's heart quickened at the thought of being with Lauren watching her discover her own sexual identity. Unlike the other friends she had in the gay community, something about Lauren was different. Sure, Julia had tried to date other women and their break ups had been mostly amicable. But no one had been able to reach her. Coming out had been one thing, being divorced was certainly another, but dating a woman and feeling a connection for life had been illusive. Julia attributed that fact to not wanting just anyone to be a stepparent to her son, but that was not the most important consideration when she was dating.

Julia wanted more than sex, endless throes of passion, or even someone to be at a pride rally with. Julia wanted a partner. It wasn't hard to find one if you were a lesbian. Most women were naturally interested in a long-term commitment. Especially since most had children already. But to consider someone who was innocent of understanding in a relationship, those deeper connections were missing in Julia's opinion. 

'She's so innocent.' Julia's reflection about Lauren startled her. 

Certainly innocence was part of Lauren's character. Having gone so long without meeting someone who had not spent a long time questioning himself or herself, who could possibly be so unsure made Lauren physically and emotionally desirable.

'But she is quite fragile.' Julia conceded. Recognizing Lauren as questioning was one thing, but even someone who was questioning could realize that they never needed to question their direction. 

Julia pushed that thought out of her mind, not knowing why she felt so strongly if Lauren had found her answer to her questioning mind to be that she was straight. Julia knew that Lauren could not possibly be straight. 

Lauren's confidence was an important factor in her ability to begin questioning, but anything could scare her. Julia knew that the fear instilled in Lauren through her parent's rigid discipline had left its scar. Confidence could easily be mistaken for bravado, especially when reaching the boundaries of one's sexual identity and preference.

As Julia's alarm shrieked the reminder that Julia should be up and about, Julia stretched and then paused for a moment in prayer, her eyes locked on one of the last visible stars in the sky. 'Please let Lauren come to me when she's ready to find out. I held her trust before; I would like to have it again as she finds this path for herself.'

Julia never questioned at that moment whether or not it was a good idea to want to place herself in the supportive mentoring role for Lauren. It was a natural progression for her. Julia's heart soared at the thought of being able to watch Lauren take on this very difficult change in her life. She wanted to see Lauren grow, something she had missed out on when Lauren had moved on from the middle school.