6 comments/  8530 views/  2 favorites

So Far From Yesterday

By: thornapple



Philip Johnson

            Prologue

Sam and Holly were like most couples in their early thirties and living in South Bend, Indiana. Five days a week it was work, eat and sleep, with the occasional dinner out with friends. Weekends amounted to the typical home owner syndrome of chores here and there, and again, the occasional out for dinner and drinks with friends: Nothing exciting as a rule. Sam's work had him worn out by the weekend so he was quite content to slow down and recoup from his long hours.

Then their lives changed forever when Deidra was born. A beautiful blue eyed copy of her mother with hair so fine and blond it defied description, and Deidra was the personification of pure innocence and perfection.

This was a new world for Sam, but he was soon into the role of father. If they lived carefully, they would be okay on one income and Deidra would grow up happy and protected because Holly didn't return to work after Deidra was born.

Sam talked to Holly over after breakfast coffee and made plans for Saturday to go down and see her parents in Kokomo, and then he was off to Indianapolis to give a speech. It was also the beginning of his nightmare.

          Chapter One

His ninety minute speech about perception and reality in advertising was well received. After leaving the podium, he spent the next half hour talking to different people that had approached him, and then made his way to the hotel restaurant to have lunch with his old friend Noah Dailey. They smiled at each other when Sam found Noah, but saved their talking until the hostess had seated them. "Nice talk, Sam."

"Thanks, Noah. How is life treating you?"

"Can't complain and business is okay."

"How is your baby?" Deidra was one of Sam's favorite topics. 

He smiled and said, "Five months old tomorrow, and she gets more beautiful everyday."

"I'm sure she is, and how is Holly?"

"Doing well and enjoying staying home with Deidra."

"You have a good life, Sam."

"That I have. You still have the apartment in South Bend?"

"Sure. As much as I'm in South Bend, it's worth having the extra expense."

"I'm sure it is."

They talked about the business climate as they ate and had after dinner coffee before Sam started his two hour drive north and home to his family. He was still smiling to himself when he got a call from Stan, his neighbor on the south side of him. "Sam, where are you?"

"North of Carmel and headed north, why?"

"Just get home soon."

"Stan, what's going on?"

"Just get home. Doreen and I will be waiting for you," and he hung up. 

Sam all but threw the phone down saying aloud, "Damn it Stan, at least you could have told me what the hell is going on," and he sped up as much as he dared. The stretch of U.S. thirty one between Carmel and South Bend wasn't heavily patrolled, but every so often they would concentrate on it and nail the speeders.

As always, the drive through Kokomo was agonizing with the many stoplights, and it was now half past three, so traffic was really picking up which further slowed him down. It's known as stoplight city, and for a very good reason. 

Whenever he hit the U.S. six intersection as he headed north, he always felt like he was getting close to home, but in reality, he still had almost twenty miles of frustrating driving before he would arrive. 

South Bend and adjacent Mishawaka combined couldn't be considered large, but traffic could become quite an issue at times, but just before five Sam made the turn down his street. His first indication of trouble was the fire truck sitting in front of his house. With his driveway blocked by the fire truck, he pulled over to the curb and he saw Stan and Angeline along with his best friend Jeff standing there bundled in their warm coats.

Jeff was first to his feet and was several feet ahead of the neighbors as Sam approached with his eyes on his house. "What the hell happened?" Even with the two hours to think and talk about it while waiting for Sam to get home, they didn't know how to tell him. Sam saw the tears in Jeff's eyes and was getting a sick feeling. Why weren't Holly and Deidra there?

Jeff wiped his eyes with the back of his hands and told him, "Holly and Deidra are gone, Sam. They didn't make it." There was no easy or less painful way to tell him. He had to just spit it out like that. Sam didn't respond. His eyes were on what was left of his house. The firemen were still stirring the debris with the fire hose and there were still wisps of smoke and steam lazily rising in long drifting threads. There was only the lightest trace of a breeze, but it carried the heavy acrid odor of the dying fire to them and that just added to the horror of the moment.

Sam dropped to his knees on the cold ground and stared at his house and sobbed. Angeline knelt next to him and Sam held onto her as they cried together. There were no words that could be said right then. No words of comfort would mean anything and in fact it wasn't likely that Sam would have heard them anyway. The next few days would be a hole in Sam's life. In time, he would look back and not remember how he reacted or what he was thinking. 

Sam stayed with Jeff for the next several days. In fact, it was Jeff that helped Sam deal with the insurance company, his office and what few friends he wanted notified about the tragedy. Monday came and still all Sam could do was sit in the living room and look out through the front window. He stared without seeing and he formed no productive thought. 

Monday morning he called and left word for the fire marshal to focus on the furnace, because it was a new installation, and in fact, they were still doing the final odds and ends, and to check the alarm system, because that too was new. Along with agony, anger was now his companion.

Monday afternoon, the medical examiner called Sam and told him, "Mr. Anderson, from all indications it appears that Holly and Deidra were unconscious before the fire reached them. Almost certainly, carbon monoxide overtook them at least enough to confuse them, and then the smoke and toxic gases took over before the fire touched them." It was a gruesome image, but Sam took a little solace in the thought that they didn't suffer. Even if the doctor was wrong or was lying, that's what he chose to believe; what he had to believe. 

After closing his cell phone, he slammed his hand on the kitchen counter making Jeff jump as he half screamed, "Damn it," and he started to cry again.

It was some time before Sam could tell Jeff what the medical examiner had shared with him.

Still staying with Jeff, Sam picked a realtor at random. Garrett Ludeck's add was large enough to catch his eye and that was good enough. Sam told Mr. Ludeck the essentials of his story and neither of them made mention of it again. Sam was like a robot completing his programmed task: Emotionless and detached, if somewhat less than thorough. He had to have his own place to live. He asked the most relevant questions, walked through the house as though it mattered what the rooms were like or even where they were. The only thing he knew for sure going into the task was he wanted a house. Not a condo or an apartment, but a house. He had to have room to pace. He chose the fourth house he looked at and agreed on the asking price. It was more important to him to have the task behind him than to hassle over a few thousand dollars. It was in his price range, and it was large enough and seemed in good condition. Anything else could be dealt with at some point in the future. 

           Chapter Two



Sam's robotic efficiency continued on Friday when he hired Anna Ruggles. It would be her task to extract decorating information from distracted and withdrawn Sam, and then apply that information as she decorated and furnished his new house. She'd never worked with a client before that really didn't care what she did, but at the same time, whenever she was working with Sam, she felt like she was playing with fire, like he could lose his self control at any minute. She could almost taste his anger and hurt. Even with the liberties she had been given, this was going to be hard work for her. She liked him and her heart broke for him, but there was little she could do or say to help him. With the real estate agent tagging along, Anna studied, measured, and wrote copious notes as they went from room to room. She had been warned that would be the last time she would see the inside of the house until after the closing. 

With that business taken care of, Sam moved into an extended stay motel. Then when Jeff got home from work, Sam told him what he had done. "What's the matter Sam, am I getting on your nerves?"

All he offered was a one word answer, "No."

"Oh, well okay, I understand now."

"Oh fuck off man, I know what I'm doing," and he headed for his car as Jeff gave Sam the finger behind his back. He knew Sam was operating on the edge, but it still pissed him off to have Sam react like that. Four hours later, Jeff's doorbell rang and he found a more or less attractive young woman at his door with a small portable audio player. She handed him a note and stood there smiling and waited while Jeff read the note. "Sorry man, I know I've been an ass, but that was really out of line. Enjoy your sleazy gift and tell me about her later," and he signed it.

Jeff looked up at the still smiling woman and asked her, "How old are you?"

"Twenty. Why, does that make a difference?"

"Only if you're under eighteen. Well, come on in honey, but give me a minute to get a beer and get comfortable." She followed him in and he pointed to the living room and continued on to get his beer. When he returned, she was standing there patiently waiting, but as soon as he was settled in his chair and had tasted his beer, she started the music and for the next four minutes did the bump and grind and rolled and shook her ass as she slowly undressed for him. She smiled and kept her eyes on him as her clothes slowly disappeared. She stopped at her tiny G string so he asked her, "So that stays on?"

"It's against the law for me to get naked."

"Oh. You and I both know I'm not a cop, so...ten bucks for the G string."

Rather than answer she teasingly took it off and let it dangle from her finger as she slowly posed and then turned around until she was smiling at him again.

"Nice, thanks. If you have a card or tell me how to contact you, maybe I'll hire you some day."

She dug into her shorts pocket and still naked handed him a slightly damaged card as she said, "Of course, it's just possible that I could be talked into doing more."

"I thought all of that was against the law."

"So?"

"Thanks hon, but I'm good with how it is now. You do have a nice ass though."

"Thank you." 

He slipped her a twenty and watched her dress. She really wasn't bad. No rotting teeth or complexion problems and she did have the firmness of youth on her side. Jeff walked her to the door and patted and felt her ass before letting her out, "Like I said, very nice ass, take care of it."

"I'll do that. Bye Jeff."

"Bye sexy," and he closed the door and went to his phone. As soon as Sam answered Jeff said, "Thanks, very nice way to apologize."

"Yeah, sorry about earlier, and I know I've been a real jerk all along. That's why I had to get out. You don't have to deal with my attitude."

"You doing okay?"

"Who the hell knows, I've never been through anything like this before. I just know I don't really give a shit about anything right now...or anybody it would seem."

"Well, you know where to find me if I can help."

"I'll be in touch," and he hung up.

Sam stayed hidden in his small quarters through the weekend, going out to eat and picking up a few groceries for snacks and coffee to drink. The last thing he needed was alcohol and caffeine, but that didn't stop him from drinking both. Alcohol, being a depressant, mellowed him out to the point that he would sit in the chair and cry. But then, if he was loading up on caffeine, he'd get wired and pace and his anger would crank up to dangerous levels. His anger was fueled even more late Monday morning when he got a call from the fire marshal. Sam closed his office door and listened as he was told, "There's very little doubt the fire started in your furnace. We're still working out the fine details, but that's more a formality at this point. Also, your alarm system wasn't working, did you know that?"

"The same company that was installing the new furnace was supposed to check and upgrade the alarm system. In fact, they were to finish things up this morning."

"Well, that's interesting to know. We'll keep you informed, but the fact the furnace is at fault won't change."

"Thanks for calling." Sam hung up and just sat there as his anger grew even more and all but replaced his heartache, and he was on the phone within the hour talking to Attorney Gerald Hancock's secretary. That was followed with an appointment with Mr. Hancock where he told his story and Sam had do stop a couple of times to collect himself. When he came to the part about Garland Mechanical and specifically Vic Gregory, the guy Sam had worked with and was the boss, Sam's barely controlled anger surfaced. Questions and answers followed and Sam produced the paper work for the furnace installation. It was Sam's good fortune that Jeff had salvaged the fireproof file box a couple of days after the fire. The attorney told Sam that he would talk to the fire marshal and then start to gather information, but Sam could expect an update within a week or so. There was nothing more that could be done, at least for the time being. 

Anna called a few days later, so he invited her over where they sat at the kitchen table and went over what she was doing for him as they sipped coffee. She had a calming affect on him for some reason. His rage was still there just under the surface, but he was a perfect gentleman and he even smiled a couple of times as she showed him some of her suggestions. As expected, he rubber stamped whatever she came up with, but he complimented her and even said, "Holly would have enjoyed working with you. She would have liked your style and your taste." That was the first time he had mentioned her name without breaking down.

"I'm glad you approve, and I'm very glad that you think Holly would have approved. Sam, if at any time you change your mind about something, we'll work it out."

"You're doing great Anna and I know I haven't been very involved in any of it, but..."

"I really do understand, Sam. You focus on the things you need to think about, and let me worry about the decorating. Just go with me when we pick out things like the sofa, and the springs and mattress. Nobody can guess what you will think is comfortable, but I'll make it as simple and painless as possible."

"Okay, let me know when." They finished their coffee and then he walked her to the door. Taking her hand in his he said, "Thanks for taking over on all of this. Maybe someday I'll be able to tell you how much you are helping me."

"I'm glad I can help." They traded smiles and he watched her get into her Explorer and drive off.

          Chapter Three



Sam finally had the date set for closing on the house. November 8th, so that gave him just ten days to get with Anna again and finish the furnishing and decorating issues. Anna took him to three different furniture stores as they evaluated sofas, and at one point, Sam became a little testy, so Anna put her arm through his and said, "Okay, I'm taking you home. We'll have to do this another time."

He stopped her and told her, "I'm sorry Anna, I'll be okay."

"Will you behave?"

"I'll behave." Then it was on to mattresses, and then they went back to Sam's for coffee. They had become good friends. At work, Sam just managed to be tolerant of others and would retreat to his office and close the door as soon as possible. But with Anna, if something got him mad, he found a way to bury it and move on, or she would call him on it and he'd back down.

It was over coffee at his studio apartment where she said, "I'm asking this as a friend and not your decorator. Sam, why is it you're so full of anger or hate or whatever it is? I could understand if you cried, but why the urge to lash out?"

It was like his nostrils flared and his eyes widened, but he caught himself before saying anything. Anna just watched him in silence letting him know that wasn't a rhetorical question. "I don't know, Anna. I've done a lot of crying, but you're right, I've replaced it with something worse. My temper is just so damn short now and as often as not, I just don't give a damn what other's think of me."

"I can see that."

"Anna, thanks for being so understanding and for standing up to me." 

"You're welcome. Now I'm going home and work on the last details so you'll be ready for your new house."

"That's it, a house, not a home."

She stood up and told him, "Sam, you bought a house and I'm helping you furnish the house, and it's my job to make it as homey and comfortable as I can, but only you can make it your home, and that just may take a little time." He walked her to the door again as she said, "Call me after you've signed the papers, and I'll get started on getting things delivered and put in the right place." 

"I'll do that, and then I'll take you out for a very fancy dinner," and he patted her ass as he smiled at her. Then he realized what he'd just done.

"Shit," and he jerked his hand back, turned back and started to walk away from her.

She caught up with him and stopped him saying, "Sam, settle down, what you did wasn't a crime."

"God damn it Anna, what the hell was I thinking?" His face was red, but not from embarrassment as he half shouted, "I'm sorry, damn it what the hell is wrong with me anyway?"

"Sam, now just stop and be quiet for a minute. Take a deep breath, my god you're overreacting."

"Where the hell...oh shit, maybe I need a shrink."

"Sam, damn it, sit down because we're going to talk for a minute. We, as in both of us, are going to talk. Not shout, not fall apart, we are going to talk about this, because if we don't you and I won't be able to work together anymore." She all but pushed him down onto the couch and then she sat next to him. 

"Damn it Anna, I patted your ass. Where the hell did that come from?"

"I'm going to throw out a wild guess or two. You like me. Okay, so maybe not, but I'm going to say you do." He started to say something, but she cut him off. "Shut up, I'm not done. We've spent quite a few hours together and we get along great. You yourself said that we're friends. I'm not just working for you, we're friends too. Don't look now, but that's a good thing. Now, I'm going out on a limb here, but if you get mad at me, start to shout or have a temper tantrum I'm leaving understand?"

"Yes," and as he started to say more she put her hand on his mouth and said, "Quiet, that's all you need to say for the moment. You are so damn afraid that you're going to forget about Holly. If not forget her, you're afraid that you'll say or do something to disrespect her memory. Okay, so you touched my ass, and yes, technically, that was inappropriate. Don't look now, but I didn't object."

"I didn't give you time."

"It only takes a second to push your hand away or at least give you a disapproving look. I will however, admit you surprised...no, you shocked me. But think about this. Why did that really bother you? Because you were afraid of how I would respond? I don't think so based on how you've been acting, but what do you think. Talk to me Sam, and damn it, be honest with me and yourself."

He was looking down rather than at her as he said, "I don't know why I thought that was appropriate so how am I supposed to know why I even did it?"


So Far From Yesterday



"You're still not being honest with yourself. Okay, let's pretend something for a minute." She took his hand in hers and as she said, "Look at me Sam, there's no truth to be found in the carpet between your feet."

He did look at her then so she pressed on. Let's assume that for the moment that Holly is alive and we were all good friends. Are you with me so far?"

He didn't answer, but he didn't look away so she went on. "Okay, so I've been at your house for a couple of hours or so and we've had a great visit and maybe even a drink or two. You and Holly walk me to the door just as you did minutes ago. Then you pat my ass as you smile at me and you say some remark about something or another. Nothing more, but pat my ass and you say something. Now number one, how do you think I would have responded? Anger? Some smart comment about you being in trouble? Certainly not anger. Number two, would Holly tear into you with as much anger and shouting as you did just now? What do you think Sam? Would Holly have exploded or even been a little pissed at you after the door was closed?"

His eyes drifted from hers for a second and then back as he said, "No. She might have had a firm comment about it, but that's all."

"And would you expect me to take a swing at you, or call you a name or whatever?"

"I don't know."

"You do know because it just happened. I have to admit, I've never had a client ever pat my ass before though," and she smiled. "So just maybe you have fears. I know it hasn't been long since the fire, so don't expect miracles. It really does take time. Now that said, I'm going to guess you're almost afraid of trying to get on with your life. Sam, you will never forget Holly and you'll always love her. The hurt and the loss will ease with time, whether or not you want it to happen. Nobody will expect you to keep her in the forefront of your mind, because human beings just aren't wired like that. I'm no shrink, but damn it Sam, stop running away from the inevitable. Cry as much as you want, but don't lie to yourself." Getting up she said, "Now I'm going home, because you're probably going to be mad at me and I don't feel like arguing."

He stood up and they walked to the door again, but this time she put his hand on her ass. "See Sam, I'm not crying and your hand isn't falling off."

He turned her to him and put his arms around her. "Anna, you're more important to me as a friend than a decorator. Thanks for putting up with me."

Her arms went around his waist as she said, "You're welcome."

She made it as far as the top step when he said, "Oh, and Anna. You really do have a very nice ass."

She smiled and blew him a kiss and went to her car. Why the hell did he make that comment about her ass, it wasn't like he'd been studying it. Then with one last wave, she took off and he just stood there. He still knew that what he had done was wrong and he wouldn't do it again, but Anna had been wonderful the way she had handled that mess.

           Chapter Four



Sam still spent his Sundays mourning Holly and Deidra. It put him into a deep funk, but he felt he needed to do that. He didn't get on the computer or anything else that would distract him. He might do a load of laundry, but nothing that would pull his mind away from his wife and baby.

Monday morning brought Sam back to the real world. Gerald Hancock's secretary called and they set an appointment for three in the afternoon.

As soon as Sam sat down, Mr. Hancock said, "We've received the records about your fire from the fire marshal and the report from the medical examiner. We're waiting for information on the furnace manufacturer and a few other things, but it won't take us long before we'll be ready to move on to filing with the court. Sam, have you thought about how you would like this to go given a choice?" Before he could answer, Mr. Hancock said, "I think we should try for fifty million dollars. Now that doesn't mean you'll get that even if we do win the suit. But, it let's them know we're going to push this. Hopefully, it also puts us in a very good bargaining position. Juries are typically very sympathetic when an infant dies due to the negligence of another."

"Okay, Mr. Hancock let me tell you what I'm thinking and would like to see happen. I don't care about fifty million dollars actually. But like you said, that puts us in a good bargaining position. If and when things seem to be going our way, I want to extend an offer much less than the fifty million if they will settle out of court, but the settlement must be in cash, not payments over twenty years or whatever. I'd go for, say a split payment five or so years apart however."

"Are you sure that's how you want to do this? You'd be giving up a great amount of money."

"I know, but I don't want this to drag out for years, I don't want to go through the courtroom scene and I'm only going to spend just so much money in this life."

"So what amount of money were you thinking?"

"We'd have to figure that depending on how things go of course, but I'd be willing to settle for say ten million in two five mil payments, plus enough to cover your fee of course."

"That's very generous of you, Sam."

"I'm just doing what's best for me. I sure as hell don't have any pity for the guilty parties."

"I'm sure not. Okay, I'll keep you informed, but as I'm sure you know, this could take some time."

"I understand, but time is as important to me that anything else." 

"Understood," with that they stood and shook hands and Sam left.

The days were passing quickly. November eighth came and at three that afternoon, Sam signed the last of the paper work at the title office and left with the keys in his hand. As soon as he was in the car, he dialed Anna's number and waited. When she answered he said, "I have the house keys in my hand."

"Wonderful, so now we can work out the deliveries and so forth."

"I don't know what your schedule is, but how about dinner to celebrate? Perhaps at the Carriage House?"

"I'd love it, but let's meet at your new house so I can walk through it again."

"Great. I'll make the reservations for, say seven, and I'll pick you up at five thirty."

"See you then."

The food and the service at the Carriage House was always excellent and it was no different for them that time. 

They were nursing their last drink when Sam asked her, "Anna, why did you put my hand on your butt after...well, after I made a fool of myself."

"Well, first of all, you didn't make a fool of yourself, but to answer your question, I did that hoping you'd relax and not worry about your little indiscretion."  

"Oh."

"My turn for a question, what did you think my reason was?"

"It's just that...well, I just can't be getting involved or tangled with commitments."

She smiled and asked him, "What would make you think I have plans or am looking for commitments? We haven't even kissed each other's cheeks. You really are running afraid, Sam."

"You make it sound like I'm dysfunctional."

"Of course you are, but if say months from now, or maybe a year from now you are still so guarded and afraid, then I'd say you have a problem." Then she all but laughed as she said, "Sam, if I even hinted at anything beyond a friendship, you'd run like the wind." He didn't say anything, but at least he did smile.

The next time they saw each other was when he came to his new house from work and Anna was there to see that each delivery was correct and undamaged. She showed him what had arrived and they talked and then he went home to change and settle down. It would be some time tomorrow before the house would be ready, and then with Jeff's help, he had to move his personal belongings from the apartment plus what he had in storage from his old garage. His business relationship with Anna was now at an end and his new life really had started like it or not. 

It was now December. The eighth to be exact, and he went to Indianapolis to see friends there and had dinner and a drink with Noah. Holly and Deidra were never mentioned nor was the fire. Instead, they focused on things like the business climate or anything they could think of, but never Sam's disaster. It was at the end of their meal when Noah asked Sam, "Would you be interested in joining our team Sam? There would be some flying involved, but not often, other than that it would be much like what you do now."

"Noah, I'm flattered and I really appreciate the offer, but I'm still trying to adjust to my new life such as it is. I'll think about it though."

"Fair enough. How did the house turn out, I mean working with the interior decorator and all?"

"Great. Anna was fantastic to work with, I liked what she did and we've even become friends. Speaking of which, I've not talked to her in weeks."

"And the legal issues?"

Sam leaned back with a discouraged look and said, "Not a word. He warned me it could take some time, but it would be nice to hear some kind of good news on that front. Those bastards need to pay for their incompetence."

There wasn't anything that Noah could say to that, so he changed the subject saying, "I'll be up in South Bend, but I'm not sure just when. It could be tomorrow, or in two weeks."

"Give me a call when you get in."

"I'll do that." With their visit concluded, Sam headed north and to his new home. It was only three days later that Noah called. "Sam, I'm in town. Why don't you join me Friday night. There's a very casual gathering at Ken and Marge's at seven. You remember them don't you?"

"Sure, I met them a year or so ago"

"Right, just a few drinks and conversation, nothing fancy or involved: They're celebrating selling their business."

"Early retirement?"

"We'll find out, but I doubt it, they're pretty young to be retiring."

"Money has a way of erasing the age criteria for retirement." Noah laughed and then Sam said, "Sure, I'll pick you up, say about quarter till."

"See you then." It was at that party where Sam met Roger and Angeline Meyer. An older couple, but she was charming and Roger had no shortage of tales to tell. Whoever he was, it was easy to see he had money and the other guests were quick to smile at him and be charming. When Noah had a chance later he told Sam, "Roger and Angeline are good people and good ones to know. Though he plays behind the scenes, he has quite a bit of influence in the business world both here and a number of other areas. Why he chose South Bend to settle in, I'm not sure, but they seem to love it here." 

It was then that Angeline came over and slipping her arm around Sam said, "Noah, you can talk to Sam anytime. It's time he and I got acquainted," and she pulled him away. Angeline didn't lack for charm or for being just a little nosy in a friendly sort of way, and before it was over she had learned of the fire and of Holly and Deidra dying. She had also shed a few tears as he told her the sad tale. Angeline took over mothering him for the remainder of the evening.

            Chapter Five 



Christmas had been rough for Sam. Jeff had invited Sam to share in his family Christmas, but Sam declined and just buried himself in a book. New Years Eve wasn't nearly as bad, but he had no desire to go out and get drunk either.

Sam finally heard from his lawyer on the tenth of January almost four months after filing the suit. As soon as he sat down across from Mr. Hancock, he heard, "Sam, if you meant what you said, we may be able to close this in near record time."

"I meant what I said. I want them to pay, but I don't want to wait five years while the court system drags on and on."

"How would you feel about four million now and then three more in ten years, and my fees are included in those numbers."

"Do it."

"I hope you don't look back on this with regret."

"Mr. Hancock, if I can't manage to live on four million, then no amount of money in the world would be enough for me: I need to get on with my life and try to forget as much of this mess as possible."

"Okay. I'll be in touch with you in the next week or so. Just maybe I'll have some news for you." Sam stood up, shook his hand and left smiling. 

True to his word, Mr. Hancock called Sam at his office, and by five o'clock Sam knew his law suit was to be settled out of court. The terms were to remain confidential and Sam was happy with that added detail. Sam's life was changing yet again, but it was a good thing that he didn't have a crystal ball, because more was coming his way in the coming days and weeks. Only time would tell however, if those things would be good or bad. 

It was only a week later when Sam received an invitation in the mail. He called Noah right away. "You back in Indy, Noah?"

"I am."

"Did you receive an invitation from Roger and Angeline?"

"I did and I take it you did too."

"I'm afraid I did."

"Sam, whatever you do, don't blow this off. I've told you about Roger and Angeline, and to receive an invitation from them for something like this is quite an honor."

"But damn it Noah, I hate opera, even if it is Macbeth."

"Well, at least it is Shakespeare's shortest."

"Very funny, so I get to wear a nice dark suit, blah, blah."

"Buck up Sam, and put on your best face. You will enjoy the evening despite your reservations. Hell, I'm driving up from Indy so I can be in on this soirée. In fact, pick me up at the apartment."

"Okay, but this better be good." After hanging up, Sam muttered and swore at himself for not saying no to the invitation. The only reason he was going he told himself, was because Noah had introduced him to Roger and Angeline and he didn't want to embarrass Noah. The opera would be at the beautifully restored and gilded Morris Civic Auditorium with two performances, and the one they would see would be the last one. 

On the appointed Saturday evening, Sam and Noah drove to the parking garage not far from the auditorium. Sam's Lexus didn't stand out in the large cluster of Mercedes and Jaguars that surrounded them. Everybody had pulled their best wheels out of the garage because this was a big event for South Bend, and Roger had reserved a dozen seats split into two groups across the aisle from each other.

The opera wasn't as bad as Sam had expected it to be, but he was glad when it was over and was among the first to get to the lobby. He and Noah stood off to one side and watched people dressed in everything from cargo pants and jump suits and denim jackets to fur wraps and sequin semi formal dresses. From there everybody made their way to Roger and Angeline's at Woodland Hills Estates just off of Grape Road. All of the homes in that area were very nice: Upscale but not extremely so. Conservative to people like Roger and Angeline, because some of their friends lived much more luxuriously. 

In addition to the dozen people that Roger had reserved seats for, another ten came to the party that had their own tickets to Macbeth. In minutes, Alice the maid, had taken their wraps and scurried around to keep up with the snacks and picked up behind the guests. It didn't take Sam long to collect a stiff drink and ease off to a quieter corner to watch the milling group of guests. He knew several of them, but that left perhaps fifteen or so that he didn't know at all. Then he saw her. His eyes would wander around the room, but always go back to that tall thin woman. The first time she caught him looking at her, he quickly looked away and thought he was quick enough. But the second time was different and she smiled at him and held his eyes for a few seconds. Long enough that he caught himself smiling back at her. He was mad at himself for allowing her to catch him gawking at her because it was a little embarrassing. He had no desire to meet another woman. Then Angeline moved over to Sam and said, "I saw you looking at Nadia."

"Who? Oh, is that her name?" 

"Yes, and her...I'll call him her escort, is Malcolm Chandler. I say escort because I don't know what their relationship is for sure. Would you like to meet her?"

"Thank you Angeline, but not especially. I was just studying her."

Angeline smiled and said, "Sam, I know you're still in mourning so I wasn't implying that I was going to hook you two up. Studying her...I've never heard it phrased that way."

Sam ignored her and added, "Would you like to hear how I see her?"

"Okay Sam, tell me, what do you see when you look at Nadia?"

"She's very striking...in a thin sort of way, almost regal in fact," and before he could add to that, Angeline interrupted saying, "Oh, now she's not that skinny."

"Angeline, my love, I have writing instruments on my desk that are as big around as she is."

She was smiling, but she still rebuked him. "Now Sam, you're being abusive."

"My apologies then. Suffice to say, I think she is quite thin, but then she is tall. I see a woman that is either well provided for, or she is able to do an admirable job of providing for herself."

"But you don't wish to meet her, I find that curious."

"Angeline, I'm fine and thank you for the offer. I also apologize if I seem less than outgoing this evening, but thank you and I very much appreciate you and Roger inviting me."

"Sam, it's been seven months since the fire, is it getting any easier for you?"

He kissed her cheek and said, "I've reached the point where I don't cry anymore, so I guess I'll make it." 

"That doesn't tell me much. What else do you see when you look at Nadia?"

Sam allowed a small smile and said, "It's been hard to study her, because she catches me looking at her."

"Well, if you don't allow me to introduce you, she'll begin to wonder just what your problem might be, or perhaps think of you as someone with a mental handicap." She stepped back then and told him, "I'm going to mingle, but when the time is right, I'm going to see that you two at least meet each other."

As soon as Angeline left him alone, his mind went back to observing Nadia. The name fit her he decided. What was it about her, other than her tall thin beauty? She was standing near Malcolm what's his name, and yet it was like her thoughts were elsewhere. It was her eyes. Haunting gray blue eyes with a faraway wistful quality. She was a dreamy eyed fair complexioned woman with a small, cautious and demure smile, but never a full smile that would surely light up her face. Her lips were nicely shaped and small. Delicate came to mind.

She had graceful controlled movements which fit her controlled demeanor. She gave the appearance that she had some secret emotion or thought. Some urge or desire that was not allowed to surface....very self regulated and proper. Yes, he was convinced she wanted to be somewhere else or doing something else. What that could be was impossible to even guess.

He had to rely on what he'd seen, rather than look at her and be caught yet again. Next to her eyes, he thought of her hair. It was on the short side and the color of golden straw, but with the sheen and texture that looked like fine silk, and impeccably styled in a soft wave. It demanded to be admired and he wished he could touch it, so he could remember how it felt under his hand. Around her neck was a spray of diamonds. Not huge stones, but the collective effect was stunning next to her fair skin and framed by her wide neckline. He had to look at her fine boned almost delicate shape once more. He looked her way and discovered she was looking at him and once more the exchange of small guarded smiles before looking away.

          Chapter Six



Then there was Malcolm. He too was tall and on the thin side, looked distinguished, and reeked of money. Older than her by at least a few years, or was it just the graying at his temples that gave that appearance? His eyes were clear and alert, but at the same time, it was like he was looking through Nadia. Like he completely missed the fact that she was so attractive, but to Sam at least it was more significant that Malcolm seemed to miss the fact that Nadia's thoughts were not at the party. She allowed a small piece of her to be there, but her heart wasn't. For Sam at least, it was easy to see that Malcolm's talents lay in business and not in personal relationships. Sam was sure Malcolm could buy her most anything she wanted if he chose to....except true happiness. Then Sam laughed at himself. Who the hell was he kidding, she was probably very happy to be escorted by money man Malcolm. It was while he was mentally analyzing Malcolm that he noticed Angeline talking to Nadia. Sam had the sudden urge to disappear. To tell Noah he would be back to pick him up later, but that urge was pure fantasy and he knew it. But Angeline and Nadia talked for several minutes, shared smiles and then Angeline moved on to other guests. Sam was so relieved that he found a fresh drink and talked to a man named Peter Iverson who was lingering near the bar. 




So Far From Yesterday



It was while his back was to the room and his guard was down that Angeline suddenly appeared with her arm around Nadia. "Nadia Bergen, I'd like you to meet Sam Anderson. Sam, this is Nadia." 

Nadia stood showing her perfect posture, her eyes focused on him and showed more of a smile than Sam thought possible. She daintily offered her hand to him which he took in both of his, "Nadia, very nice to meet you."

"Thank you Sam, nice to meet you."

"May I get you a drink?"

"Yes, perhaps a vodka tonic," Sam got the bartender's attention and placed the order as she asked, "So are you enjoying the party, Sam?"

"Not until now."

She gave him a coy smile and said, "Thank you."

It was an unimaginative line and he knew it, but he still felt a little off balance from Angeline's surprise attack. Besides, what he said was the truth. "I hope you'll forgive me for gawking at you earlier."

"I didn't think of it as gawking if that helps any, but I'm curious. Do you think you might have met me somewhere before?"

"That would be an easy line to get me out of an awkward situation, but no." He wanted to be away from Peter so they could talk without being overheard. Pointing toward chairs and a small table at the side of the room he asked her, "Would you care to join me? I'll try to finish answering your question away from the crowd. Or would that offend your escort?"

"Malcolm?" Again the small smile, "No, he won't mind at all." Sam saw Angeline out of the corner of his eye and she was watching them. It only took him a second to look at her and give her a sneering look and then a wink. That should confuse her just a little he thought. As soon as they were settled in their small chairs, Nadia said, "Sam, Angeline told me about your tragedy a few months ago. I'm so very sorry." Sam didn't want to be reminded of his past so he just said thank you," and left it at that. "You were going to say something at the bar."

"Before I do, I better warn you that I'm in the habit of speaking my mind."

"Oh, really, and I should be afraid of what you'd tell me?"

"It isn't my intention to offend you. Okay, to answer your question, after I studied you, your beauty, your straight posture, and your haunting eyes, I tried to look into the real you."

"Before you offend me, I better thank you for those compliments."

"You're welcome. Whatever Malcolm is in your life, I get the feeling that your relationship isn't deep. Either never was, or is less so now: Like a drifting apart."

This near stranger was getting into a pretty personal area very quickly and she didn't quite know what to think about that. "What could possibly make you say that?"

"Your eyes. Also, I think you'd rather you were somewhere other than here."

"Oh, Really?" There was the slightest cold edge to her voice as she continued. "Do you see yourself as having some...well, perhaps, psychic power?"

"This whole thing was told by your eyes and nothing more."

"I see. You really do speak your mind." She had been looking at him, but looked down at her drink and sipped it without really tasting it before asking him, "And how do you feel about your thoughts?"

"No particular feeling, just observations." She wasn't smiling, but she didn't seem to be eager to leave him either. Despite his poor manners, she was curious. 

"What else have you decided based on your observations?"

"Judging from your beautiful necklace and the way you present yourself, I feel safe in saying that your childhood was one of comfort, and you are still comfortable financially. You're no stranger to operas and grand parties. You are at ease in situations like this, but even then your attention was divided. Malcolm had a very small percentage of you earlier, and I'm not sure that I have your full attention."

"Sam, you do have my undivided attention, but I'm trying to decide what to think about you. You border on being rude and intrusive, but you are, or rather, at least, could be very charming. But there's a cold aloofness to you, and no, I didn't get that from your eyes." He didn't smile, but he was looking at her as she continued. "Of course, given your recent nightmarish events as Angeline explained them to me, that's to be expected I'm sure."

"I don't concern myself with what other people expect of me."

"Oh. Well, excuse me," and she looked away uncertain what to say or do next. "Was that an example of speaking your mind?"

"I guess." 

Her back was even straighter now and she looked more guarded like she was considering going back to Malcolm. "It's my turn to be curious. You don't really want to be here, so why did you accept the invitation?" Now it was his turn to hesitate. She watched him intently because she wasn't going to let him just ignore her.

"I'm not sure how to answer that question, Nadia. I like Roger and Angeline. Not because of their power or whatever, but because they are nice people who just happen to be very popular, well off, and influential. I really considered declining, but my good friend Noah encouraged me to accept."

"And the opera, did you like that?"

"Not really."

"Just what do you like?" That one really stopped him. What did he like? 

"Nadia, you really stopped me with that simple question. I don't know. I won't even get into what I used to like. But right now, I like talking to you. I like talking to my friends."

"Okay. Let's talk about what you do then."

Sam showed her a thin smile as he answered, "I'm retired."

"I'm serious."

"I am too. I don't know if I'll stay retired, but that's how I see myself at the moment. I quit my job just days ago."

"Why?"

"I just didn't want to do that anymore."

"Sam, there's an old saying. It is not the years that age us, but the sorrow. Don't get old before your time, Sam. I don't think the woman you loved and lost, would approve of that at all," and she stood up. He quickly got to his feet as she said, "Sam, thank you for your kind words and I'll pretend you never said the others. I hope we get to talk again one of these days." 

Sam kissed her cheek and said, "Nadia, you are a breath of fresh air for me, thank you." She smiled and went in search of Malcolm.



          Chapter Seven



Sam found Angeline and stood off to the side while she talked to an older woman. One of the many guests he didn't know. Angeline made eye contact with him and he smiled and waited patiently. Once she was able to break free, she moved over to him and asked, "Well, was it painful talking to Nadia?"

"You know it wasn't. She's very charming, attractive, and quite intelligent."

"I know. Did you feel Malcolm staring at you?"

"No I didn't. If it bothered him that much, he should have just joined us."

"Lucky for you two he didn't, because that gave you more time to chat."

He smiled and asked her, "Now why would you say that?"

"I did my share of watching you two as well."

"I don't think I impressed her very much."

"You never know, handsome. Maybe she has a thing for your type."

"And what type is that?"

"As I just said, handsome, also intelligent, but more than a little lost right now. I think that somewhere inside of you is somebody that likes to laugh, but nobody will ever know that until you've finished your sad journey."

He kissed her cheek and said, "Angeline, little did I know when I met you not long ago, that I would see you as a very good and very smart friend, and tolerant of my idiosyncrasies."

"I'll think of them as temporary faults, or they better be temporary. She returned his kiss then and said, "Now mingle and play nice because people will be leaving soon."

Instead, Sam found Noah and told him he was ready to leave any time. Noah put his drink on the end of the buffet table and said, "You lasted longer than I would have guessed."

"Compared to the opera, this gathering wasn't bad at all." 

"You and Angeline seem to be bonding, to say nothing of you and Nadia."

"Oh, so you know her."

"We've met, but I can't really say I know her."

"What about Malcolm?"

"I've had dinner with him, but I can't say that I know him very well. So what's the story about Nadia?"

Sam shrugged his shoulders and said, "No story really. Angeline introduced us and we talked for awhile. I think I offended her."

"Am I supposed to be surprised? Okay Sam, take me home." They found Roger and then Angeline and thanked them for the evening and they left. They didn't even make it to Cleveland Road before Sam was pulled over. "Okay Sam, what did you do?"

"I'll take a guess at speeding."

"I'm not helping with the ticket."

"Maybe we drew a sympathetic cop." Sam put his window down and sat there with his hands on the steering wheel.

Sam saw the officer in his rearview mirror as he approached. Just like they showed it on television, the officer paused well short of Sam's door and then eased forward as he asked, "Do you know why I stopped you?"

"I'm thinking I was speeding."

"That's right, twelve over the limit: License and registration please."

"Noah, hand me the envelope from the glove box," and Sam retrieved his wallet from his suit coat pocket. Noah handed Sam the registration and Sam gave both to the officer. There was a pause as the cop used his flashlight to read Sam's license and registration and then looked at Sam. "Don't I know you?"

"If you do, you have the advantage, because I've never seen you before."

"Have you ever been arrested?"

Sam all but laughed as he said, "No, I've never been arrested. This is only the second time in my life that I've been stopped in fact."

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"No, I was an only child."

"Okay Mr. Anderson, no ticket for you tonight, but slow down." Once again he shined his light on Sam's face and then said, "I'd like you to do something for me Mr. Anderson."

"What's that?"

"Stop by the police station on Church Street. Do it tomorrow if possible, and ask for Detective Campbell."

"I'm listening, but why would I do that?"

"Detective Campbell will explain it to you. Were I to tell you, I doubt that you'd believe me. The detective will have something to show you. Mind you, this isn't a requirement, but believe me, you will be surprised. Have a safe evening and please slow down," and the officer returned to his car.

Sam put his license away and asked Noah, "What the hell do you think that was all about?"

"Don't ask me, but by damn you better do as he suggested, because I'm really curious."

"It isn't as though I don't have the time, and like you, I am curious." In fact Sam was so curious, he was at the police station at nine the next morning telling the duty sergeant he wanted to see Detective Campbell.

Sam's eyes dilated when he saw the detective. He had to be six four. Tall and built like a football lineman. Sam was good sized, but his hand was lost in the detectives hand as Sam extended his and introduced himself. 

"Right, officer Newland told me about this. Let's go to my desk," and he led the way to his cubicle and gestured for Sam to sit down. He pulled a manila folder out and laid it on his desk. "I was told you have no siblings is that right?"

"That's right."

"Then that makes this all the more interesting." He opened the folder and turned it to show Sam a photo. "Recognize this person, Sam?"

"Yeah, that's me, except the hair is styled and cut wrong."

The detective was smiling as he asked, "Have you ever worn your hair like that?"

"Never, so that can't be me."

"It isn't. This is Carson Phillips and he lives in Westville...in the Indiana State Prison." Sam leaned back, but his eyes never left the photo. Carson was convicted of murder and was sentenced to life in prison with parole possible in...I'm not sure, twenty years I think."

"This is a little creepy."

"I'm sure it is."

"What can you tell me about him, or his story?"

"I didn't look up his sheet, but I was the arresting officer, so let's see what I can remember. He stabbed a woman named Sierra Conklin. We never found the knife and it was almost a month before we put the pieces together and arrested Carson."

"What was the connection between this Carson and the victim?"

"He knew her, and in fact he was seen with her not half an hour before he murdered her. But since he never confessed, we can only guess at his motive. Most of the case rested on the testimony of an eye witness. He was a good witness. Shook up, but not overly stressed by what he'd seen, so he was able to remember enough detail."

"Damn, that's too bad. I really feel for the victim."

"We did too, and that's what keeps us going sometimes."

"I lost my wife and baby a few months ago, so this hits pretty close to home."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Had he not committed the crime, how would you describe him?"

"Well, like you physically. But other than that, I'd have to say erudite. Well spoken, clean cut, and a nice guy. He just has a hidden side that got him into trouble."

"Could you get me in to see him? I mean, assuming he'd agree to it."

"I can try. Normally the visitor has to be on a list that was submitted by the prisoner. Not on the list, no visiting privileges, but maybe we can work around that this one time. I'll see what I can do and call you later. Any reason you want to meet him other than curiosity?"

"I'm not sure. It doesn't seem possible that we'd look just like each other and not have some kind of blood link."

"I agree, but you have no siblings so that rules out the obvious possibility."

"I know. What the hell, I have the time, I am curious, and I'm sure I'd shock the shit out of him if he could see me."

"You can count on that. Okay, I'll see what I can do, but give me a few hours."

"I'm not going far and we know he isn't going anyplace." The detective laughed and Sam left his cell number and then headed home. It struck him that when he went out, he was more aware of the brightness of the day and the fresh cold February air smelled unusually clean and pleasant.



          Chapter Eight



Detective Campbell had called late in the day on Monday and told him it was set for him for Tuesday, but just this one time. After that, the prisoner had to submit Sam's name to be approved as a visitor. 

After leaving the police department, Sam called Anna. "Hi, did I catch you at a bad time?"

"It's been so long since I've heard from you, I had to think for a minute who you were."

"Very funny."

"To answer your question, no this isn't a bad time, I'm just working on a project and a break won't hurt me at all."

"What time does your boss let you go for the day? Say for dinner at Simeri's. We can have pizza and beer and I'll tell you a story....oh and would you mind if a friend of mine joins us?"

"Sounds good and I don't mind your friend. Since I'm the boss, I'll give myself some time off for good behavior, so what time?"

"Six?"

"That will work, but I'll meet you there." 

"Okay, see you at Simeri's." Then he called Jeff and extended the same offer and told him that Anna would be there.

"It's about time I met your decorator, slash friend. Plus, you owe me dinner for being so out of touch."

"Yeah, yeah, I feel your pain. See you at Simeri's at six then," and he hung up. Until that moment, he hadn't even realized how he had forsaken his friends so completely.

Sam was the first to arrive at the restaurant and had garnered a table for the three of them, and was nursing a Sam Adams when Jeff joined him. His beer was just being delivered when Anna arrived and she and Jeff were introduced to each other. 

It was just noisy enough in the restaurant to encourage the threesome to lean forward to talk, ignoring their menus until the waiter came around for the third time. To keep it simple, they ordered a large pepperoni with double cheese and went back to talking. Sam waited for a few minutes and then told them about the convict at Westville that looked just like him. "Just how close does he match you," Anna asked.

"Well, it was a mug shot and his hair was cut a lot different, but even with that, I have to say he looked a whole lot like me. I'm going to Westville tomorrow. If he'll see me, I want to find out if we have a familial connection."

Before Jeff could comment Anna said, "So if you do, you can say you have a con in your family. Is that worth a drive to Westville?"

"I guess it is. I'm curious. The cop was about half tempted to put me in handcuffs thinking I was this Carson Philips guy and I'd escaped prison."

"And if this Carson won't see you?"

"Not much I can do about that I guess. I'll mail him a picture of me and see what he has to say about that, if anything. After that I get on with my life."

I'll bet you don't let it drop that easily. If you're curious enough to drive for an hour or whatever to go see him, you're curious enough to keep trying."

Sam had to smile. Anna knew him pretty well. "Yeah, okay, maybe, you're right, but I can't make him see me."

Jeff added, "They say that everybody has a double somewhere in the world."

"Maybe so, but this is creeping me out." There wasn't much more they could say about Sam's double, so they focused on eating their pizza until Sam told them about Nadia.

Jeff smiled and asked, "Do I sense a glimmer of normality returning to your life? Did you actually drool over a woman?"

"Yeah right. She's skinny and rich and a little stuffy. I just mentioned her because of the way she seemed so distracted. I mean there she was dripping with diamonds at this stuffy too proper gathering, and still she seemed almost bored. Not uncomfortable at all. In fact, she seemed almost too comfortable, just...well like I said, mentally traveling."

Anna was watching him talk about Nadia so she added, "Yes, but you also were very precise about how attractive, tall, and alluring she was."

"I didn't say alluring."

"Okay so I added that word, but you are more than curious about this woman. You are intrigued and she still dwells in your thoughts. You want to know more about her. In a way, she is haunting you."

"Oh come on, that's a little over the top. I just mentioned her because she seemed to have it all, and yet seemed to be...I don't know, maybe looking for more."

Jeff didn't smile as he said, "Hell Sam, with you're abrupt style, if you do see her again, you'll just make her mad and that will be the end of that."

"Forget I mentioned her. Besides, I don't travel in those circles so it's doubtful that I'll ever see her again anyway." Sam was about half sorry he had even mentioned Nadia.

When Jeff excused himself for the bathroom, Anna reached over and took his hand in hers and told Sam, "You know, I'm glad you even noticed this Nadia. That tells me that you're on your way to recovery."

Sam shrugged his shoulders slightly and told her, "It's just that she was attractive and seemed to have everything, and yet there she was wishing for something else."

"Maybe she's just spoiled and never satisfied."

"I didn't get that feeling at all."

"She sure sounds high maintenance though."

"She could be. Unless those diamonds were fake, she has to be worth a few bucks."

"Cubic zirconia looks like diamonds to the casual or unsophisticated viewer. I have a couple of pieces with cubic zirconia stones myself."

He smiled and squeezing her hand said, "So you're high maintenance too."

"Just keep me dripping in diamonds and I'm happy. In fact, I just remembered that it was your fee that bought me one of those pieces. Now I can say you bought me jewelry."

"Don't tell anybody because that's not good for my bad boy image." 

Jeff came back and caught them holding hands and said, "Guess I better get going so you two can be alone."

Anna leaned back, and smiling just said, "You're fine, Jeff. I was just telling Sam I thought there was hope for him."