0 comments/ 11637 views/ 0 favorites Little Mistakes Ch. 1 By: Bloodypaperdoll "Dear Journal Girl, Life sucks good bye forever" That's how I should write it; short, sweet, and to the point, right? Well, wrong I've never been accused of being short and to the point, I am long winded in my suffering. So here goes the real writing. "Dear Journal, I have been on this planet for all of 17 yrs, and ever since I've grown out of my childhood it's been nothing but pain. To have to fake happiness one more day is impossible. No matter how deep the razor cuts it never seems enough anymore. Tonight is the night I shuffle off this mortal coil and lay myself down for internal sleep. I hope you understand that this will be the last night I write in you, for I will be nothing more." There that sounds much better doesn't it? It's all true I feel like there's not a single person I'm close to these days, but oh well that's history. No ones home and that's what helps make this perfect. Moms at one of her self-help mountain retreats and as for Dad he's probably spending the night with his secretary or other mistress. Typical upper middle class American family, huh? I was at a party earlier tonight and I figured it was time to go when one of the guys caught me playing with a carving knife. He was too wasted to realize I had it biting into my flesh. He just made some comment about girls that play with knives. And I made some joke about girls that dance with death. All in all the night sucked more then I could imagine. Well, here I am in my sky blue panties sitting cross legged on the toilet seat. I'm on the heavy side, a size 16, plain face, plain hazel eyes, plain brown hair, nothing outstanding, although I am somewhat curvy, any way that's not the point. The point is I'm sitting on a toilet seat with an exzacto knife in one hand and starring at my left arm. I'm going to cut wrist to elbow vertically, should do the trick. But wait I want to get some practice cuts in first. You know so I can make it perfect. I cut the side of my arm three times horizontally, the second cut was the deepest. For about a minute I was mesmerized by my own blood falling into the sink, nothing else existed at that moment. I was in a trance I didn't even feel any pain, it was like I was floating away from my body. Drip...Drip...Drip...Drip. Strangely symbolic my dance with death. I had a little to drink at the party and my adrenaline was pumping from cutting myself and the knowledge that this was my last night, it all made my head spin (a little too much). I was getting a little dizzy, I don't know if I was going to pass out before I got the job done. Then the next thing I feel in my back, man I'm really out of it. Then I hear my name being screamed over and over in a piercing yell. "Leah! Leah! Leah!" over and over, then punctuated with "Open this god damn door!" Every third time my name was called. I was going to make a comical joke about moving towards the light since I was obviously hallucinating by now. The bathroom door flew open and I know I cant be hallucinating that. Lydia Glashow, the only real friend I have, was standing in the door way. Her dark brown eyes flashed angry and panicked and her long black hair was ruffled like a scared kittens fur. Not only did she look scared she looked pissed, at first I thought this was just part of the hallucination since no words where being said for a long moment. "God damn it! I knew it, I should have never had let you leave that party alone." She walked into the bath room and I scooted back as if I was trying to disappear from sight. I realize what a sight I am with blood dripping from my arm, half nude, looking something like death warmed over. Suddenly I was self conscious about the how scene. "Lydia I'm sorry... You weren't supposed to be here." I say in a small weak voice. "Yeah right like I'm going to stay at some stupid party when Mike tells me what you where doing before you left to go home. News flash I knew you where home alone, I just didn't think you where going to do this, this soon. But when I realized the front door was unlocked well it all falls in to place so they say." Lydia grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my arm. "I wish I could say that I'm happy to see you, but I'm not happy to see you Lid's. Some times I wish you would just mind your own business." I tried to pull away from her motherly touch. "I know, but lets hope that you will change your mind on that someday. Now come on, stand up." The tone of her voice told me I better not argue, so I stood up. And watched her pensively. She turned on the shower and let it run for a few long seconds. "Well, I didn't turn on the shower because I like to hear the water running." "Wha.. what? You don't expect me to take a shower right now?" "Yes, I do, its part of getting you cleaned up and put to bed, I will shove you into the shower if I have to." We changes places, she sat down on the toilet seat and I stood next to the bathtub. "Is this really necessary?" "Yes, look at it this way, you just put me through hell, and now its my turn." "I hate you." I sigh peal off my last thread of dignity and jump into the shower. "I know you hate me now but you'll love me in the morning." Lid yelled. I think I actually screamed when the water hit my wounds, but I never did cry. It was probably the fastest shower in my whole life, it probably only lasted about 3 minutes, enough to wash away the blood, when I got out Lid was no longer there. I really didn't care, I knew she was somewhere and I wasn't to eager to go seek her out. I wrapped my self in a fluffy towel and headed for my room, my arm was still bleeding a little bit. Lid was sitting on my bed with a first aid kit on her lap. "Sit. Lets see if I'm able to be come a doctor in my future, you will be my ginny pig, and do try not to scream it distracts me and ruins my concentration." "You're sadistic." I say dryly and sit down next to her. "No, I'm realistic." She did a pretty good job on doctoring my wounds, it hurt like a son of a gun though. I had to clench my teeth to keep from crying out. "There all done." Lids said in a fake cheery voice. "You know that really hurt." "Yeah and well who's fault is that? I really don't think its mine." "Are you going to spend the night?" "You bet your ass I am, I cant afford to have you try this again when I'm not here. Don't give me that look." "Well, then avert your eyes because I'm going to change." I got up and walked over to my dresser. "Oh please." Lids sighed and rolled her eyes, next thing I knew she was taking off her shirt and pants. Lids is very pretty, petite and curvy, it seems that all guys fall for her. I put on a par of underwear and a bra (when in Roam). The whole day was catching up to me and I was drained, yawning I got into bed and laid down. "I really screwed up tonight didn't I? I'm so stupid." I whispered closing my eyes. I felt Lids lay down next to me and turned on her side facing me. "You're not stupid, you did do a stupid thing though, and everyone does stupid things every now and again." "Yeah but not you, you're the most level headed person I know." I turned on my side so we where face to face, she smiled, it was beautiful. "Dear I thank you for your faith in my perfectness, but its false faith, I've done my share of stupid things." She reached over and tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear tenderly. "Remember Cassidy?" "Yes, I liked Cassidy, she was very nice. I really think she was the one for you." "Yes, well, so did I. I really thought that she was my soul mate and that scared me and I screwed it up." "How?" "Well, remember that party at Forrest's house." "Yeah that was like two months ago, I skipped that party." "Wish I had. I was three sheets to the wind by the end of the night and I slept with Ethan, my first time with a guy, thank god I don't remember it. Anyway I told Cassidy what happened and she broke up with me, which is totally understandable." "I'm sorry Lids I didn't know." "Yep now you know even I can me stupid, little dove." I was getting really sleepy and snuggled a little closer to Lids for warmth. "Do you want to talk about what's going on inside your cluttered mind?" "I don't think I could talk about it even if I wanted to Lids." "Its okay dove, just remember I'm always here for you no matter what." Lids laid an arm over my side. "Lids is it okay if I tell you something?" I asked half a sleep. "Yes," "I love you Lids, and thank you for stopping me." "I love you to little dove." She kissed the top of my head and I feel asleep in her arms. Little Mistakes Ch. 2 It's midnight and the phone's going off in Lydia's apartment, waking her from a peaceful sleep. Her first year at college was really kicking her butt not to mention the part time job she was working. On the third ring she picked it up and knew it would be a bad omen. "Lydia," "Dove?" "Well its been a year almost, and we should be celebrating. However I shouldn't, three days ago, I forgot what color my blood was... Hell for all I knew it could have been purple. This is a recording if you haven't guessed yet (I was ever the dramatic one)." Lydia knew this wasn't good, the voice was Leah's. They were great friends, but hadn't seen each other in a long time, she also knew her friend was having a very hard time now a days. "Everything after that party has been so messed up. You moved away for college (granted its only a thirty minute drive), we've grown apart, and I've been left here. My parents divorced, mom staid and I staid, she remarried, and I was molested. Like I said a lot has happened in just one year." Lydia knew about the divorce and the remarriage, but that was the first time she heard about the molestation, she almost dropped the phone when she heard those words. "So to answer my question, my blood is still scarlet, I had to cut myself open to see that, you know to make sure. Lydia, I know I've told you this before but still, I love you (and yes I'm crying). You are the only person in this world that I love, everyone else can go to hell for all I care. I've been used, I'm worn out, and no good. Guess the only thing left for me to do is see if I can fly (this should be interesting). Again I love you Lids." The recorder clicked off the tape was over, Lydia angrily hung up the phone then speed dialed Leah's number, all she got was a busy signal. She already knew where the rest of the night would take her, she got out of bed and quickly searched for her clothes and keys, tonight's fun had just begun. *** I couldn't take it anymore, hell I shouldn't have to take it anymore. Technically I was the queen of botched suicide, but not tonight. Shit I'm still shaking, its not right, he's gotten bolder, he waited tell she was peacefully asleep before he accosted me in my own goddamn room. My only sanctuary, I knew this was going to happen. I made sure I was never home alone with him, I thought I was safe. Safety now that's a joke, the word doesn't even exist. Afterward I ran into my bathroom to throw up then I dismantled my deposable razor and just had a field day with my arm. I went a little over board but hell I don't care. I know tonight will be the last night. No more. I was going to walk the two miles to the water tower that was in the middle of town and just jump off. I guess the reason why I called Lydia and left that message for her to hear (thank the goddess for pocket mic's), was to have at least one person try to stop me. I know she will try and probably succeed, that is if I don't jump before she shows up. Tonight this little dove is going to fly. I ran to get to the water tower, out of breath (a bit out of shape), I climbed up the tower to the top, it is a long way down, and I hate heights. The wind was whipping my curly brown hair every which where. I climb over the railing my arms stretched out behind me and my hands white knuckled holding on the railing, all I have to do is let go and free fall. Trying to talk oneself into jumping isn't easy, especially with tears running down my checks and a sobbing type hiccup stuck deep in my chest. The world stopped, I don't know how long I stood there looking down on the trees and meadow below, I think my thoughts ran along the line of what a peaceful place to die. I can hear cars in the distance going to and fro, I even hear a car door slam, although I'm not paying attention. "GODDAMN YOU!" I hear a scream, I almost let go of the railing out of surprise of the brake in silence. Lydia is at the bottom of the tower looking up at me, she still looked like a ruffled little angry kitten, even from up here. "Come down here right now!" She screams. "At lest I still have my clothes on." I yell down at her trying to make a joke of the situation, I can tell by the way she looks it was wasted. "I see it as you only have two ways to deal with this, either you come down, or I come up there and drag your ass back over the railing." "I weigh too much, you're not strong enough, and we probably both will die if you try." I was right, I was too big for Lydia to drag over the railing. She was tall but probably only weighed 120lbs if not less, as where I weigh at lest 180 if not more, it would be physically impossible for her to even hope to drag me over the railing. "You know the stories of a mother seeing her child trapped under the wheels of a car, and she is able to lift the car to get the child out. Fate has no boundaries, if the Goddess doesn't want to take you, she wont." Lydia started to climb up the latter of the water tower. "Don't....I will jump if you start to come up here." I warn her, my voice shaking. "No you wont...If you were going to jump you would've done it by now, and you wouldn't have called me. Now please, Dove, come down." "I don't know if I can. Lydia you don't understand, its do and die, I wont go back home. I'll jump before that. Lids please don't make me go home." I pleaded with her, I was begging and sobbing. "I promise, my little dove, I promise on my own life, under the moon and stairs, in front of the goddess's them selves...I wont make you go back home, just please come down. Leah you know how much I love you, you jump and you will be murdering more then one person, because I can guaranty you that I will be the next to jump." I brake down, slowly I crawl over the side and fall flat on my ass on the walk way. I gather up my knees and rock and sob. I can't move, I don't want to move, I want everything to go away. Lydia is on the walk way with in minutes she sits down next to me with her arm over my shoulders. I move down until my head rest in her motherly lap, she just strokes my hair and rocks me, she doesn't even waste the moment with words. We bond again that night, again with tears and with out word comprehendible to the naked ear. I feel her tears lightly hit the side of my face and mix with my own. We mix, our souls, our tears, our love, it all mixes. "I really was going to jump." I mumble staring off into nothingness. "Shh.... I know but its over now. You are a fighter, but you don't have to fight alone." "Its my fault you know, its all my fault, everything." I start to sob a new. Lydia gently pulls my hair back away from my face and ear. "Don't you ever say that!" Her voice is felled with passion. "Its not your fault! No matter what anyone says, no matter what you think, its not your fault." "You don't even know what happened." "I don't have to know, to know the just of it. It was your stepfather wasn't it?" "Yes." My voice was barely audible. "Its my fault I didn't fight, or scream, I was just asking for it, I didn't even say no." "Did you say yes?" "No!" "Then its not your fault. He took advantage of you, he knew you weren't going to scream or yell, he took advantage, he also knew you wouldn't tell your mom on him." "What's the point she wouldn't believe me." "Exactly. Its not your fault... He's scum, word escape me, I cant think of any horrible name that's horrible enough to call him. You're going to live with me from now on, if that's ok with you." "Thank you Lids, I don't know what I would do with out you." "Lets not think about that, little dove, you will get through this, I swear on my life he will never touch you again. I have a gun I keep near my bed and I will use it if he ever touches you again." Silently tears kept coming and Lydia just held me, we staid there all night and watched the sunrise together. This may not have a happy ending, but its better then just ending. I fell asleep before the sun came up. Before, though, I heard Lydia tell me how beautiful I was, and how much she loved me. I love her too, I just will never be able to put it in the right words. Gently she nudged me awake so I could watch the breath taking sunrise. We climbed down that water tower in the early morning light, both of us thanking and praying to our own goddess's. We got into her car and drove for her place, we didn't really have a plan, once there she bandaged my arm up better then I had, and she gently kissed every scar old and new. I skipped school, and she skipped work. Together we ended up curled up in bed holding each other, it was beautiful, she was beautiful. I just hope it will last, we both will fight so I wont have to go back. Together I think we will win, I know she will never stop fighting for me. I'm her little dove after all.