16 comments/ 5693 views/ 2 favorites Katheryn's Baby By: TheForester This started as a completely different story, involving a bad decision that destroys a marriage. Then, as I was writing it, I had a friend who almost did something drastic and it got me thinking about depression. Too much, as it turns out, so now I'm dumping it in Non-Erotic. Thanks to that person who helped so much, but asked not to be named. ***** May 5 "Stop!" I yelp, surprising even myself. "I can't do this!" The world has tilted, and is spinning out of focus. "I can't do this," I repeat, mush-mouthed and nearly unintelligible. A moment later...or at least I think it's only a moment...I'm sitting on the floor. How? Everything is so damn cloudy. I shake my head to clear, and it only makes it worse. Voices are talking. Where? Focus. Dammit, focus. Somewhere out there, in the next room, I can only concentrate long enough to pick up snippets. "...seems genuinely upset..." "...after all the talk, I thought we were good..." "...to be a very hard decision..." "...just so embarrassed! If I'd known he was going to..." that was my wife, Melody. "...appreciate that you tried..." "...too close to give up now!" "...going to risk your marriage, not for any..." "...don't you two let me talk to him..." I close my eyes, concentrating very hard on restoring the world to full fidelity. Fidelity. Ha. Funny, Don. When clarity begins to return, I become aware of our friend Katheryn's wheelchair pulling up next to me. "You okay, Don?" She asks gently. "I don't know," I admit. "I'm not sure what happened. I just...sort of seized up." Her hand touches my shoulder. "I understand," she whispers. But the pain in her voice is palpable. "I only need a minute." I insist. "I'll be fine." She leans over and kisses my brow. "No," she says. "This was a mistake. Or, it almost was. But I want you to know how much it means to me and Adam that you tried." "Don't," I insist. "I only need a minute." From in the kitchen, Adam's baritone calls out. "Everything okay in there?" He sounds a little exasperated. Not angry, exactly...just frustrated and confused. Kathryn shouts back that we're fine, and that he can just chill out and wait a few minutes. She then turns to me with an apologetic look and tear-rimmed eyes. "They won't understand. It's a different kind of sacrifice for them than it is for us...it's certainly not much of one for him! Just please...be patient, and don't get upset. We'll tell them together." I shake my head. "I'm not calling a stop." But I feel the need to add, "Melody would understand." Katheryn pats my shoulder. "She'd want to. But this is hard for her, too, and in a way that no man can understand. She's laid it all on the line. And she'll see this panic as a forewarning of rejection." "I never would." "then don't tell me," she sits up straight, wincing at the pain. "tell her. Make sure she knows how you feel. And," she pats me again, "if you do decide that you can't go through with it, then please don't force it...not for me, or for Adam, or anyone. We'll all be okay." "I'm alright." I raise my voice, annoyed at the kid gloves. "I'm alright! It's okay!" But even as I say it the nausea starts up again. I fake a smile and try to act bored, or disaffected, while the world churns around me. She nods in agreement, no more meaning it than I did, and wheels away. Their carpet is rough to the touch. The trails of her wheels criss-cross the room. I rub my face. Concentrate. Concentrate. "...sure he's okay?" "...probably just a little case of the jitters..." "...more than that. I'm worried about how he'll deal..." "...I mean, it's not like we wanted any of our own!" "Maybe he's changed his mind..." I close my eyes, concentrating. Lucidity. Lucidity. When I come to again, there is a different kind of shadow over me. "Come on, honey," Melody whispers tenderly. "Let's go home." "I said I'm alright." But even I can tell this sounds stubborn, petulant. "I know," her arms wrap around me. "It's the right thing to do." "I know," she kisses my head. "But not tonight." - May 13 She snuggles into my armpit, sweat-sheened and content. my heart pounds joyously. "I'm going to miss this," she purrs, equal parts appreciative and listless. "I can't wait until we can just be us again." "You'll have a replacement. You'll be fine." But I'm just teasing, and she knows it. "I hope we don't have to wait too long," she kisses my pec. "I don't like the idea of us being apart in that way." Too long? a day is too long. An hour. But surely she knows that. "it worries me, too." Something in my voice causes her to lift her head up and study me. "for some people, it only takes a few weeks." "Some people try for years." "we both got checked. We are both able." "I was there, remember? Your tubes...they said you'd need to be...patient." I swallow hard. "It will take a while. I know it will." "Adam will make up the slack. The doctor said he makes enough for two men." She scowls, disliking that she even has to say this. "He called him a..a bull." She's getting agitated, so I kiss her forehead and stroke her back. "I'm not afraid. I trust your optimism. And I still think it's the right thing to do." Eventually, she lays her head back down. "It won't be a year," she whispers. "We wouldn't let it take that long." I don't respond. After a while she sighs. "I'm glad you stopped it when you did. I'm glad we had a chance to talk it out more." I look up. "You feel better?" A pause. "Don't you?" "of course I do." I squeeze her close. "Anyway, this will be a better system." she snuggles in again. "It's so much better if you don't have to be there. I worried about that." "I was just trying to help find a way to get it over with sooner." "It makes so much more sense," she sighs. "I mean, Adam works from home, and I'm here by myself all day..." - May 17 She's on the phone with her mother. I'm pretending to read the newspaper, listening to every word. No matter how hard we tried, we just couldn't think of a way to hide it from family. so... "Mom, just stop," she has her hand to her forehead, her mouth drawn tight. "That's never going to happen. You know that. We are just not the parenting type. And besides..." She is pacing in the kitchen, yet another sign that this is not been a pleasant conversation. "I will not," she snaps. "No!...No...well, I suppose I will...yes, but more like..." Another in a long line of sighs. She starts throwing dishes into the sink. "Yes, I'm sure he can handle it. He's a strong man. He's not like dad...Oh, stop it!! You don't really believe that. Babies shouldn't be made in a...in a tube!" She huffs. "Yeah, well...the only one obsessed with THAT here is YOU!" For a long moment there is silence, and I begin to wonder if maybe she hung up. Then, her voice bursts forth, shrill and furious. "Of course we talked to a priest!" - May 22 "Wait." Sounds familiar, right? Only this time it's her that's calling out in a panic, and i'm the one caught standing in the doorway. It's 7:30 in the morning, and I'm just on my way to work... "Tell me that you'll still love me," she whispers. It comes out fast, like she's embarassed by her own need for reassurance. I don't have to speak. I just open my arms, and she launches forward, rushing into them. "Forever and ever," I promise. She relaxes, but still shivers. "I'm really scared," she says. "I am too." But I hug her all the more tightly, and add, "This is a good thing that you're doing." "we are doing," she corrects me. "this belongs to all of us." My stomach tightens a little. For some reason, that bothers me. But that's called denial, and I suppose... "Just don't stop loving me back," I tell her, and she kisses my face all over. "Never never never," she says between kisses. "I have to go, or I'll be late," I say, stepping back. "What time is he expecting-" she holds up a hand and I stop. "Sorry. It's hard not to...want to know." We study each other's faces, unsure how to say goodbye. "Will you be okay?" I ask. She gives a tiny nod. "Will you?" "I will." Is it a lie? I am beyond the point of knowing. I focus on the small. Just walk, friend. Get in the car. Drive to the corner at the top of the hill. Take a left. Drive and drive and drive and don't think about it don't think about it don't think... Wipe your eyes, you coward. - May 22 (cont.) The house looks the same, my wife looks the same, and supper is on the table. It's all the same, so maybe I'm the one that's changed. "It's a nice night out," she offers, clearly looking for something small to say. "Mmm," I agree without much heart. "Interested in a walk?" Am I? It sounds nice, actually. "Okay." She chews her lip. "Will you...hold my hand? While we walk?" Her insecurity warms me. "I always do," I remind her. She bursts into smiling. "I know." - May 23 The alarm goes off. Its incessant electronic beeping is science's pure perfection of irritation. I shut it off, blink into the growing morning light, and lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling. This is the day...the first real full day where she's not mine anymore. The first time that I'm waking up as one of several. The first day where the other is past, present, and future. A whole day of being...not 'us'...but just 'me.' Of her having had and continuing to have intimacies and experiences that I have no part to play in. Of being the husband, but no longer the lover. What happened yesterday? I don't know much about it. Not much in the way of detail was offered or desired. Well, that's not entirely true. How anyone could not wonder, I don't know. But what will happen tomorrow? A year from now? i'd very much like to know. I'm scared, you see. I put the hurt away, reach out and touch her flesh. Someone else's playground. someone else's joy. And what about her? How does she feel? I yank my hand away, leap from the bed, stumble towards the shower, and try not to think about sex. I try and I try and I try. - May 28 Her skin is soft as she leans against me on the couch. My Melody has the softest, most remarkable feel to her. And I'm not the only one who knows that. - June 4 Two weeks? No. That has to be wrong. Can that really be all? It feels like a lifetime. She's made supper, pretended not to notice as I moved my food around but didn't eat, and she glances over her shoulder at me as she returns to the kitchen to get the wine, like she's checking to make sure I'll still be there when she gets back. In return, I watch her hips turn the corner and feel a flash of bitter jealousy. How many times, Adam? How many times have you been inside my wife? I shake my head, and pretend to be at ease as she returns with my glass. She watches my eyes, while trying not to, but she's already missed the moment she's afraid of seeing. She opens her mouth to speak, can't find any small talk worth faking, and closes it. So many tiny additions to our lives, and all of them made with worry. - June 11 "So, uh...how are you holding up?" Adam asks. I study my beer, tap the glass with a finger, and consider the question. For a mindless moment hot anger courses through me...this is the guy who's pumping himself into my wife as often as humanly possible. He's been at it for weeks, now, having the time of his life with her body while I'm cut off completely. Shit, he's trying to blend his genetic makeup with hers...to create a child that has his eyes and her cheekbones...and he has the gall to try and get me to TALK about it? But the reaction is childish, and I know it. Adam is, in fact, a true friend...as close and true as they come...or we wouldn't have even come to this point. He's kind, he's there when you need him. He rebuilt our deck for free when the tree fell on the old one. And he's been tiptoeing around me for weeks, quietly seeking my acceptance and feeling guilty of betraying our friendship. And he's been treating his own wife like a queen. Truth is, he probably realizes he could come out of this thing without anybody at all. If it all goes south, he would be the first casting choice for everybody's villain. He's on a very thin rope, and yet he's worried for me. "I'm surviving," I admit. "It isn't always easy. Melody and I seem to need to touch each other more. We hug, hold hands...We're both scared." I take a sip. "We're all scared." "Yeah." He glances at the girls, out sharing a drink on the deck. "I think it's making me paranoid." I frown. "What do you mean?" He hesitates, fearful, then asks, "Does Katheryn seem different to you? Like, quieter?" "Not really." He doesn't look convinced, but says, "Yeah." His eyes don't leave his wife. "I worry about her." I shake my head. "You're seeing things. She's happy, Adam. If anything, I think she's happier and friendlier than ever before. Especially with Melody. Anybody can see that a weight's been lifted off her shoulders." I can see that he thinks I'm humoring him, so I change the subject. "Just wait until they're spending all your money on baby clothes. That's where she'll get her revenge." He just keeps watching Katheryn wheel about, his eyes tight and jaw clenched. It comforts me a little to see him looking scared and alone, but that doesn't mean I enjoy his pain. "Yeah." Then, "It feels like I'm cheating, Don. Like I'm a shitty person, taking advantage of the people who love me." I go back to studying my beer. He turns to me at last. "Am I a shitty person?" he asks quietly. And I know what he's asking. I know why he's upset and why he needs the reassurance. I can't seem to respond, but I understand. - June 13 Sarah is leaning into me on the couch. Our movie is almost over. "Can I ask you something?" She asks suddenly. "Of course." "It's...it's going to sound strange. But please tell me honestly." "Go on." "Am I a..." she tenses, "...a bad person?" My throat tightens. Don't do this to me, baby. Don't say anything more. See, I knew why Adam asked me that. I knew why he was so terribly unnerved. I knew why he felt that great, shameful uncertainty. He asked because none of our justifications for this thing have offered any excuse for just how much he was enjoying it. So please, Melody. My Melody. My love. Dont let me understand that you might be having as good a time as all that. "I'm sorry," she cooes after a minute. Her hand massages my chest. She kisses my cheek. I start to relax. "It just feels like I'm cheating...like I'm letting everyone down." I stand up. "Honey?" she asks nervously. Shit shit shit. "It's fine, honey," I say. "I just thought I heard my cell vibrating." I wait until she's asleep that night, before slipping down to the kitchen and letting myself cry. - June 21 "I'm sorry about earlier." She looks up, gives me a sad smile. "It's okay." "No. It isn't." "You must be so frustrated." She glances downward. "It's been a month..." "I'm fine." She starts to say more, then looks away. I chew on my lip. "Would you..." This is a hard question to ask, and I breathe deep. "Could I ask you some questions about it?" She tenses, and I add, "I know we agreed not to. But my imagination is driving me crazy. Not knowing is worse than knowing could ever be." She doesn't respond. "Mel." She's shaking. "I'm sorry. Forget it." But before I can leave, she's wrapped around me. We stay that way for a long while. "I'm so afraid." She mumbles into my chest. "Me, too." I hold her. "Don't ever let go." She can't stop shaking. "Don't ever let me go." "Never ask me to." We both have a hard time sleeping that night. - June 27 We're all on the couches, Katheryn and Adam over for a Friday night movie. It's been a surprisingly relaxed evening, full of pizza and jokes. Then, I feel the need to pee, and get up. "Be right back," I say, heading towards the stairs up to the bedrooms. "If you're going to the bathroom, use the one downstairs," Melody calls. "What's wrong with the master?" Adam never takes his eyes off the television as he says, "It's out of TP." After a second he registers what he's said, and looks around at everyone staring at him. "Sorry," he mutters. "I just...it just...slipped out..." I look at Melody. The expression on her face is horrified, apologetic and ashamed. After a while, Katheryn breaks the silence by hoisting herself into her chair. "Look at the time," she says, giving her husband a warning look. "We should probably get home." - August 12 I come in at a sprint. "Where is she?" Adam has taken the time to get fully dressed, thank god, and having lept up from the couch as soon as I burst through the door points down the hall. He has a pale, fearful look, and his hair is mussed. "She just started freaking out, out of nowhere, and locked herself in the bathroom," he explains. "I...I didn't know what to do." I disappoint myself by studying him for signs of deception. He's genuinely terrified, and truly upset. "Was something wrong?" I ask. "Did something...happen?" He shakes his head, and his bewilderment is real. "Nothing but this...I mean, nothing out of the ordinary." I frown. Mel seemed like she was in a good mood when I left this morning. "There wasn't anything about her behavior or about the way she was acting that looks questionable in retrospect?" He thinks for a moment, then shakes his head again. "It was no different from any other day, right up until she freaked out." Any other day. My stomach twists a little, but it's such a familiar sensation now that I barely register it. "You stay here." I head off down the hall. The bathroom door is indeed locked, and I can hear her through it. I can't tell if she's crying or just breathing heavy, but the emotion is palpable. "Mel?" I call out. "Honey, it's me. Can you open up?" It takes her a long moment to respond. "Is Adam gone?" "He's still here. Do you want me to ask him to leave?" Another long moment. "Tell him I'm sorry! I'm so sorry for freaking out! God, I'm so embarassed." "I'll tell him later. Can you open the door?" The longest pause. "I don't want to." I sigh. "Can you tell me what happened?" A tiny, timid, "No." "Honey, you have to talk about it, whatever it is. I'm here for you. And nobody here is going to judge you. We all care about you." "Please," she begs. "Don't ask me. Just...just forget about it. Forget it ever happened." "You know I can't just ignore this. Talk to me." "Don, please..." "What happened?" "It's not worth-" "Melody, please!" "I came!" she blurts out suddenly, her shrill mania making the small and simple word sound obscene. "He was...in me, and moving, and I came so incredibly hard!" Then she wails wordlessly, almost animalistic in her self-loathing and shame. The effect is concussive, like a boot to my chest, and I am suddenly and vividly aware of Adam lingering nervously at the end of the hall. I grip the door frame for support. I will remain standing. "I understand," I say with the most tightly controlled, emotionally drained quiet that I can muster. "It must have been a shock. But it is still a natural occ-" "It wasn't the first time," she whispers, interrupting my attempt. I freeze, succumbing to terrible foreboding chill. Wasn't the first time? what does THAT mean? And how... Adam's words come back to me then, unrequested and terminally unwelcome: "It was no different from any other day." The world is off kilter. No. I'm swaying. I'm about to fall. I grip harder and fight to remain. I WILL stay standing. Katheryn's Baby Since when does my WIFE come from FUCKING?! "Mel," I say slowly, trying not to broadcast my pain, "even if today wasn't the first day that you had this exp-" "No!" she bleats, suddenly back to weeping loudly. "No, you don't understand!" I swallow hard. "Okay. I'm listening. Why don't you come out, and you can help me understand while we-" But she hammers on the door from the inside. "You don't understand!" she yells again. "It wasn't the first time! It wasn't the first time today!" She wails like a heartbroken child. "It's me! It's something wrong with ME! I'm a terrible person!" I'm dizzy. "Wh...what?" I have failed, and I am on the floor. She cries herself out before finally responding. "Today wasn't the first time I had an...an orgasm with Adam," she says in shredded, defeated tones. "That happens all the time. Today was the first time I fucked him just to FEEL it. Today was just the first time I admitted to myself that I WANTED it." There's a murderous silence, then she rediscovers her self-loathing as she says, "I looked forward to it, Don. I wanted it. I was giddy for it. And it wasn't until afterwards that I suddenly remembered..." she's crying again, "...th...that we were...doing this for a baby. Don," she moans, "I didn't sleep with him today to make a baby! I cheated on you! I ruined everything!" She degenerates into wordless sobs. And I don't speak. I don't dare. Adam shows himself out without a word. - August 16 "I suppose it's over now." Katheryn sounds small, sad. Just like Melody did a few days ago. "I'm sorry it turned out like this. It was very kind of you to try." She puts a hand over mine. I smile as best I can, just to let her know I hear her and am glad to see her face, but I don't reply. She pulls out a chair and hoists herself into it, turning her wheelchair off to the side. She always does love a chance to sit in a regular chair. I suppose it makes her feel less different. "I understand," she adds. "I do, Don. I just wanted to see if you were okay, and tell you how much we love you for what you tried to do." I think about that. "I don't know how I feel. It hurts bad, but...I don't know." She thinks about that a moment. "It's hard to take. I know." "Do you?" The bitterness both surprises and shames me, and she does me the favor of not responding. Katheryn has lived every day of the last 5 years with an inability to provide for her husband that makes my insecurities seem facile. For her to ignore that snap truly is a kindness, and a sign of strength. "There was never any doubt that he was enjoying it," she observes. "I mean...I knew what 'sex' meant. almost any other woman out there is capable of giving him what I no longer can. But for you...I mean, it's different. For the capable. For a man. For someone who is risking much and asking nothing in return." I wince. Of course she's hurting too, you asshole. "How do you deal with it?" I ask. "Honestly, I don't know. I'm a mess, but what else is new?" She laughs mirthlessly. "The part of me that isn't scared and alone is happy for him, I guess." "And what does that first part say to do?" I ask. "The scared and alone part?" "It tells me I'm useless." It's the truest thing she's said. I can tell it. I don't know what to say. In the silence, she sniffles. "What do you think we should do?" I ask. "It's your choice to make. You deserve that, at the least." "No." It's my turn to place my hand over hers. "Don, no one can say what's best but you." "That's not how this works. Tell me what you want." She turns her head away. After a time, she whispers, "I can't." "I know that a lot of you wants to continue. But what is the scared and alone part saying?" "Not listening to that part is how I'm being brave." Fair point. I rub my eyes. "Do you think they'll leave us?" "Never. And neither do you. Don't pretend otherwise." "Do you think they'll fall in love?" "That's a conversation we had months ago." "Things were different then." "We're they?" She breathes. "They won't fall in love. But there will be some...affection. Connection." "Will be?" "It's there now. You've seen it. They share intimacies." "They share more than that." The list ticks off in my head. Bodily fluids, taste and smell, physical warmth are only the very start. "Hmm. I suppose they do. Do you think there might be some love there?" I shake my head, answering honestly. "Infatuation is different than love." "It can lead to love." "Sometimes. Not always. Not this time." She considers this. "I agree. I don't think they match well enough emotionally to ever fall in love." But her voice takes on a soft and tentative tone as she adds, "You still have to end it, Don. For you. Melody says you don't even talk to her. You just mope around the house. And you're getting so thin." "I've been thinking, that's all. Getting my head on straight. I'll talk to her tonight." "And?" "And tell her the truth. That I'm hurt, and I'm scared, and it's already been so long that I've been...alone. But I'm not leaving, and I trust and love her." I think about it. "Honestly, I'm going to suggest that we keep going. And tell her the pain that comes from knowing how much she's..." I wince. "Anyway, it pales compared to what the alternative would be. To her hating it, and forcing herself to be complicite in her own physical abuse." I make a face. "If it comes down to that choice, I suppose I actually want her to enjoy it." "You vote to continue? Are you sure?" "I'm sure." Katheryn starts crying and laughing at the same time. "Thank you," she gasps. "Thank you so much!" I pat her hand and force another smile. - August 20 I glance over at Melody as I stand in the kitchen, scooping out a melon. She sits at the table, staring at the same page of her book as she was staring at an hour ago, eyes not scanning but just gazing dully forward. Turning away, I quickly grab the two hollowed-out melon halves and shove them up my shirt. "Weren't you ever going to say anything to me?" I ask cryptically as I adjust them. She looks up, confused. "What?" "Don't tell me you hadn't noticed." I glance over my shoulder. She looks mystified. Then I pull my shirt hard against the two melon halves, trapping them over my pecs, and swing around. "Is it because theyre bigger than yours?" I make a pouty face, squeezing one lovingly. She gawks, blinks, then snorts in realization and falls into laughter. I start laughing, too...mostly at her snort. It really was something. Like a 200 pound man worth of snort. By the time it ends we're both wiping at tears. - August 28 We're all at the bar, laughing and having a good time. It's only been business as usual for a few days, but I think we all feel a little relief that the tempest is past. Melody and Adam get up to play a game of darts, Mel checking for approval and squeezing my hand before going, and Katheryn and I pass on the chance to join in. We enjoy the occasional opportunity to talk alone. "You seem to be feeling better," she says tentatively. I shrug, watching our spouses interact. Melody throws a dart, laughs hard at something Adam says when it bounces off the wall, and let's him come up behind her to teach her to throw. His arm wraps casually around her waist, and she glances nervously at us before looking up and listening. "I'm working my way through it." Katheryn sips her drink, eyebrows coming together. "That's cryptic, Don. And it's not the same as saying you're okay." "It's fine." "Should we tell them to cool it? Just a little while longer?" She tilts her beer bottle in their direction. "They wouldn't be so open about it if they knew you were still hurting." "No." I'm still watching them. He kisses her earlobe; she practically melts. "Let them have their fun." "Ah ha!" She points accusingly. "You ARE hurting!" She's at least a little surprised. Guess I had her fooled, too. I see no reason to reply. Adam makes a quip, and Melody swats his ass, pretending to scold him as he steps away. "You need to tell her." Katheryn bites her lip. "She believed you when you said you wanted her to enjoy it." "She's not doing anything wrong." "You deserve to be heard..." "And I have the right to wave that, if I want." I sigh. "They are pretty happy, aren't they?" "Like playful puppies," she promises. "That's all." Then, "That IS all it is, you know." I nod. I do know that. I just don't know how much it really helps. "But at your expense." She's full of sympathy. "It isn't fair." I watch them goof around and laugh at themselves as they approach the table. "I have a right to waive fairness, too," I say, ending the debate. "Hey, you two," Adam says as he sits down and the conversation dies. "Sometimes I think WE should be jealous of YOU." Melody doesn't sit, though. "I'd like to dance with my one true love," she says. "Don? Would you be so kind as to dance with me?" I look up at her and see need in her eyes. "Please?" So I nod. And we dance, for over an hour. - September 10 Sally stumbles as we come through the door, the wine affecting her balance. "Ohwow," she slurs the words together. "I think I'm drunk." I chuckle, coming up and helping her with her coat. "You think?" "I shouldn't have had so much. I'm trying to have a baby." She pats her tummy. "Hey, how come you're not drunnnk?" She sways. Yikes. "Because I had to drive." "You're the best!" She throws out her arms and falls into a hug. "That was a dumb movie, though." "Yeah, but in a fun way." "In a dumb way!" She laughs. "Next time I pick. But I had a wonderful time." She sniffles. "I think I need to lay down." I reach down and scoop her up. "Oh," she giggles. "This is nice." "I think I might drop you." "You never would." She kisses my cheek. Guilty as charged. After I help her to bed I stand back for a moment and admire her frame, outlined by her slinky dress. "I love you," she murmurs, already half asleep. "I love you, too." "I like dates with you." she rolls over. "You're the best." And then she's asleep. The first snore is out before I've changed into my pajama shorts. I slip downstairs, hop on the computer, and for the first time in months I find the gumption to pleasure myself. It's a lonely ending, but it was a wonderful evening. - September 18 Once you get past the nervous glances...and everybody's endless need for reassurance...and the inability to talk casually about Mel's day...and the ever-changing clean sheets on the guest bed...and the absence of sex...and the fact that she's a little fitter looking and looks unavoidably vibrant and youthful...it all starts to feel...normal, I guess. Maybe we're all going insane. More tea, Mr Hatter? No thanks. I'm fasting. It's Saturday. We're walking through the grocery store, and she can't stop touching my arm. One of a million ways that she expresses her silent fear. I don't express mine at all. I don't dare. - September 24 A stunning sky above me, the sidewalk leading me forward, and a beautiful woman's fingers interlocked with mine. "It's beautiful out," she says. The sunlight runs loving fingers through her hair. "It is," I agree. "It really is." She breathes deep. "I feel so content right now." I flinch, catching the unintended implication. "Can you tell me something?" I ask impulsively. "Sure." "Have you had sex today?" Her hand leaves mine. "Don..." "Just be honest. It's okay. I'm not mad." She nods, tiny and almost imperceptable. My stomach twists, but I do a good job of smiling and saying, "Okay. It's okay, baby. I promise." I kiss her and she takes my hand again. "Why on earth did you ask me that?" She sounds upset, still. "Because you said you're content, and I can see how relaxed and happy you are. So it just occurred to me that you probably had. So I asked." She shakes her head. "I'd rather you didn't know. It bothers me." I wish I hadn't asked, too. But it was out before I could think about it, and once committed I was forced into a series of terrible self-betrayals in the name of damage control. I add one more self-betrayal to the list: I lie, and tell her, "Because I love you so much, when something makes you happy it makes me happy as well." She turns, studies my face, believes me, and lurches in for a needy kiss. "I love you so much," she says into my mouth. Not as much as I love you. - October 1 She's sitting on the couch when I return home. She looks like she's been crying. she probably has been. She leaps up when she sees me, her eyes brimming with fear and hope, but stops short of running to me when she sees the look on my face. "Go to bed," I tell her wearily. "It's late." She doesn't move. "I was scared," she whispers. "I couldn't reach you." "I just needed some time to myself." I hold up the pill bottle. "And I decided to stop off at the clinic, which turned out to be a good thing. I'm on three days of bed rest, starting now." This only makes her look more miserably guilty. "About what...what you saw..." "No." I have no interest in talking about that, and I half smile to defuse her. "I should have called first. I didn't think." "How long were you here? Did you...I mean what did you..." she trails off. There's no good way to ask it. "Barely at all," I shrug the heaviest shoulders on earth. "I didn't see anything, Mel." It's such a lazy lie, and I know she doesn't believe it, but we both want it to be true. That will be enough. "Anyway, you know it's okay." She studies me for a moment, lip quivering, and then sighs and comes forward. We are now in agreement: pretend the version of the story we wish were true...is. A hug brings on a new frown. Rolling up her sleeve, she puts her forearm to my cheek. "You have a fever." The tone turns immediately maternal. "And you look like death warmed over. Let's get you into bed." I let her lead me to bed, though I stop her when she tries to help me undress. I can only be so vulnerable around you now, my Melody. I'm sorry for that. She blanches at the protective rejection, but recovers fast enough. "I can't remember the last time you were sick," she says. "No wonder you left work early..." I wish like hell I hadn't. I wish that I had stayed away, or that I had left as soon as I knew he was here. I was just so tired, and not thinking straight. Help me, someone, please. I'm all alone and I cannot breathe. - October 2 Knowing that it's a dream doesn't help. Not in the least. I am trapped, begging to be let out, and probably fevered and shaking in my bed somewhere far, far away. They rut in front of me, sometimes melting into a single person and other times breaking violently apart to come together in new and obscene ways. I've never experienced some of the things they are doing. Are those things just a mechanic of the dream? Or are they memories of what I saw? There's no way to tell while I'm here. She feasts upon him, and it feels like a memory. I shake my head. Memories can be a lie. Can't they? Then he grunts his release, and I can't help from crying out. You can't get pregnant that way. And for god's sake, my Melody doesn't even DO that! - October 3 The world of nightmares is vanquished by soft sunlight, which comes in like a cheat, sneaking past the edge of curtains to enter my bedroom. I blink. It's late morning. Why did my alarm clock not go off? I should be at work... Real memory comes back to me, dark as any dream. I lay back down and shut the sun out. - October 4 "...it's more than that, though." Katheryn sips her coffee. "I worry that maybe he's depressed. Clinically, I mean." "I don't know," Melody frowns. "I mean, he has lost some weight. You're right about that. But most of the time he seems like everything is ok. Some days you wouldn't even guess that anything is different from a year ago." "It is, though. And he isn't talking about it enough." Melody sighs. If anything, she thinks we talk about it too much. "Maybe a counselor would do us both some good, you know?" she admites. "I mean, sometimes I get so scared by my own exc-" she trails off as she looks up. "Honey," she beams. "You're up!" Then the smile melts as she takes me in. "Are you...are you sure you should be out of bed?" - October 17 I don't tend to think of board games as particularly enjoyable, but I'm sure enjoying this one. Maybe it's because I'm winning. Or, maybe because it's so small and unimportant...so simple in its to and fro. Probably a bit of both. It stops being small and unimportant when Adam hits a streak of luck and Katheryn squeals in mock indignation. "Why you little cheater!" She scolds gleefully. The energy seems to leak out of the room, and suddenly we're all studying the floor. "Hey," I try to make light, "if he's the one cheating, then why am I the one winning?" No laughs. Just a lot of silence. "Katheryn?" Melody's voice is small. "Yes?" "Do you ever get...angry at us? At...me?" No one is making eye contact. Gosh, what an interesting board this game has. Right everyone? Katheryn sighs. "Let's talk about something else." She sips her drink. "I was just joking around." "I need to know." That board! It's so colorful, so full of squares. I doubt any of us will ever look up from it. "Honestly," Katheryn draws out the word, "no. I suppose I get mad at myself, though. I've had a few good cries, and a few days when I couldn't lift myself up." She shifts uncomfortably. "And I do get jealous. Incredibly so. But when I see how happy my husband is, part of me starts to wish it would never end." she grunts. "I hate that part more than anything." Silence. That board. Wowee. We all just love it. After a time Katheryn looks around the room. "Whose turn is it?" But the only thing that gets her is more silence. - November 3 "Okay," the counselor folds his hands together, leaning back in his chair and peering over his glasses at us. "That was a pretty powerful summary of your feelings, Don. It will give us a lot to talk about in future sessions." He tilts his head. "Melody, do you need a few minutes before reading yours?" Melody is staring at me like she's just learned I might die or something. She shakes her head slowly. "I had no idea," she whispers. I smile and grip her hand. "That's why we're here. To tell each other the things that are hardest to tell." But I can see that the counselor knows the truth. It's there in the way his gaze lingers on me after every phrase, and in the patient disappointment tucked away deep down in his tone. He knows that I'm withholding more than I share. And he suspects that I will never tell her the whole truth. He's right. I won't. Why would I? What benefit would there be to letting her see how much this is killing me? - November 10 A simple text message on her phone this morning, as I get ready for work. "Is he gone yet?" - November 19 "Was that him? Is he here?" I turn from my lookout spot by the window. "Just a car going by." The girls look relieved, and go swiftly back to decorating. They are a sight...both wearing swimsuits and hula gear and oversized party sunglasses. They are scurrying about, giggling as they put the last of the tiki-themed decorations around the house. Adam has always joked that someday he'd go to Maui for his birthday, and today they're going to make Maui come to him. I watch as Melody pauses to check her cleavage, adjusting the bikini top a bit. Then Kathy calls over to her to help hang something, and she positively floats off in the direction of her voice. Katheryn's Baby I turn back around, and go back to watching out for Adam. - December 11 She's getting better at darts. So I guess we got something out of all of this. The two adults are nursing drinks while the two kids play. "What are you thinking?" Katheryn asks. I watch them laugh at a shared joke. "How happy they are." Katheryn's face clouds over. Does she remember us sparing this way, so long ago? "Don..." "No, no. It's fine." I give her a smile. "You know, I really thought she'd be pregnant by now." "We all did." "But I have to admit, it is getting easier with time." Easier to lie, anyway. And I'm getting so good, she nods without so much as a glance in my direction. "I've noticed that, too," she says. Meanwhile Adam leans into Meody and whispers. She giggles, nods ever so slightly, and downs her drink. Taking her hand, he leads her back towards the table. I feel sick, but I do my best to put it away. She seems so at ease, so carefree as they come up to the table. I wonder how brave I can be? Maybe it's time to find out. "You know," I say casually. "If you two want to run by the house, Katy and I can stay and chat a while." Adam's eyebrows shoot up, and Melody doesn't seem to know how best to react. But her cheeks are pink, and her nipples are hard. Great. One more image I'll never forget. She looks to her beau before saying, "I don't know if that's a good idea, Don." Her eyes stay on him, hoping he'll find the words to make it a good idea. Melody is watching Adam and Adam is watching Katheryn and Katheryn is watching me. I toss them all a smile and lean back. "Sure it is. You kids go have fun, and I'll give Katheryn a lift home." Adam fidgets. He hasn't let go of Melody's hand. Nor she his, I suppose. Don't think about it, don't let the smile falter now. Play the game. It's your turn, cheater. "Are you sure?" he asks. "This is...unexpected." "Unexpected, but hardly a big deal." I throw a laugh in to really sell it. "The looks on your faces right now." A wave of the hand. "Trust me, it's fine." A smile. I'm so, so good. Melody bends over and kisses my cheek. "Are you sure?" "I'm sure." Suddenly she's squeezing me tight. "Stuff like this scares me." "It's okay. I promise you." She kisses me again. "I love you." Adam says his farewells to Kathy, and then they go. They try so hard not to be in a hurry, they only make it that much more obvious that they are. Through the window, I'm able to see them practically running to get to the car. "Be careful," Katheryn says with an unimpressed tut. "They'll be fine." But she keeps studying me. My guts are twisting, and my heart is breaking, but I think I keep a straight face. "Don't let them think you're more okay with things than you really are," she warns. "Don't let them be more comfortable with it than you can live with them being." I'm sweating. I hope she doesn't notice. It's a dark bar. "We need to give them every chance, right? Anyway, after seven months it doesn't bother me quite the way it used to." Which is true, in its way. It bothers me more. "Don," she says quietly. "Did it bother you?" "You know I'm okay with it." "Then we're good." A pause. "Just be careful." "If am careful," I wink. "I trust my wife." - December 17 The counselor continues scribbling in his notebook for several minutes after Melody finishes. "I think we're almost out of time," he says at last, "but I do want to touch on one thing you said. You said it felt 'natural' to be so close to your husband, yet also enjoying a lover..." "I did NOT describe it as 'enjoying a lover,'" Melody bristles. He glances at me. "I apologize. But I would like to hear you expound on the feelings you mentioned a little." He glances at me again, well aware of how badly I want her NOT to expound on that little tidbit and probably hoping to break through my facade. "Well, I know what you're implying, and I didn't mean it like THAT," Melody says hotly. "I just meant that it doesn't feel like a reduction of my marriage, or a...a threat. We aren't uncomfortable. I'm not torn between two men. We're a close knit group, and there isn't any animosity or anything to worry about. I'm in love with my husband, he's in love with me. I have this other experience, and that's all." "We've talked about calling it an 'experience,' Melody." She folds her arms. "Fine. A...a relationship. Or, a sex buddy. Maybe even a boyfriend. And I get that you think that's awful, or whatever, but Don and I are a team. We're in this together. It's ultimately for a good cause, and he supports the fact that I enjoy it. Knowing that my husband would never want me to be miserable, I guess..." she smiles over at me, "I guess it just doesn't feel weird anymore." The counselor frowns. "Other than that your husband is forced by these conditions to be celibate, of course, and to actively endorse his wife's affair with another man." She falters. Affair. Celibacy. These are not words we like to acknowledge, and they sting. I doubt she lets herself think about either, very often. Maybe ever. "I..." She looks a little ill, all of the sudden. "I don't..." Her eyes drop, and she stops searching for a response. "Can you tell me how it would make you feel, if the conditions were reversed, Melody? If you had spent the last seven months without sex, while Don here regularly endulged himself with a female friend?" She looks ill. "It's for a baby," she says quietly, all the bluster knocked out of her. "We both know that's not entirely true. You just called this man your boyfriend. You've admitted to enjoying it quite a lot. And to having...sessions...from time to time that could not via any biologically reality result in pregnancy." He leans forward. "What if it was Don? With another woman? Consider everything you've done." She hugs herself and wipes her eyes. He looks at me. "And how do you feel about this idea, Don?" I give him his silent judgment right back, and say, "I think she was right, actually. We're in this together. It makes me happy that she's happy. And I think you're making too much out of what we all recognize is a painful, unfortunate downside. We're doing fine." Melody relaxes a little, and holds my hand across the chairs. But she sniffles, and looks quite stricken. He studies me a moment longer, then looks down at his notes and sighs. Fucker. - December 21 We're sifting through Christmas cards to send family the next time she cracks. I've just shown her a particularly funny one, which I think her brother would like, and all of the sudden she's mashed against my chest and crushing me with her grip. "Don't ever leave me," she gasps. Christ...my wife is crying into my chest in a Hallmark store, while old biddies openly stare. Happy Holidays. "Hey," I say soothingly. "Hey." I gently move her back so I can look her in the eyes. "I love you. You're stuck with me." She smiles around her tears, but they keep on rolling. "I love you too," she says, wiping helplessly at her cheeks. "I love you so much." It takes five minutes of this before we can go back to looking at cards. - January 7 We're working in the garage, cleaning up storage and changing the oil and chatting about nothing and wondering why we don't pay someone to do this shit for us, when Melody looks up past my shoulder and says, "Oh, hey." I look up too, and my stomach turns a bit. "Hey, Adam," I smile. "What's up?" His eyes dart a little, and he suddenly looks like a nervous teenager picking up his date and meeting dad for the first time. "I, uh...I thought..." Melody picks it up even quicker than I. She turns to me, pulling off her gloves. "You don't mind?" Damn you Katheryn. You were right. I shrug. "I need to shovel anyway." She smiles and kisses my cheek. "Thank you." Then, "We'll be quick." Adam holds out a hand, she takes it, and he helps her stand up. "You sure?" he asks, glancing back at me. "Adam," Melody draws out the first syllable like a girl with a new boyfriend. "He said it's fine." She kisses his cheek, the same way she kissed mine. "Come on." He lets himself be dragged away. I curse under my breath as I pull on my coat. What was that, Adam? Did it make you feel less guilty about coming over here to fuck my wife, if you could convince yourself that she was the one leading you? Did it feel better if you acted like you weren't the aggressor in this ugly scenario? How long until the end? I'd really like to know. Adam must slip out while I'm shovelling the back walk, because I don't see him leave. Forty-eight minutes after he arrived, Melody is back in the garage with a fresh feline laguidity and her hair up in a ponytail. She smiles and waves like nothing is wrong in the world. Her skin glows. Later on, as we are hauling bags to the curb, she throws her arms around me. "You're the best," she says into my neck. I am strong enough to not reply. - January 27 They're sitting at the table, relaxed and easy, discussing a book they read. Melody is listening as Katheryn makes a case for something or other, her index finger bouncing off the book's cover as she pontificates. As I watch them talk, a big hand falls on my shoulder. "I think they only read that pulp trash so they can complain about it." I chuckle. "That's probably true." Adam glances down. "Burgers are ready to flip." "Says you." I shake my head. "Some of us like our burgers cooked." "Burnt, you mean." "Maybe." He sips his beer. "Can I ask you something?" "Of course." "It's been a while." He chews his lip. "Should we give up?" I watch the burgers sizzling. That's a question I wouldn't have counted on him to risk asking. After all, as long as we're trying he's getting an endless supply of pussy, right? I guess my judgment of my friends has been clouded of late. "If we do, then all of this was for nothing. It was 8 months given away for nothing." He considers that. "It would be so much easier if..." He trails off. "It's a damn shame we married such religious women." I chuckle. I could almost hug him for saying it. "Tell me about it. Science is the enemy and all that. Here," I place a patty on his plate, "perfectly burnt." He laughs, too. - Februay 26 "...like this for days..." "...He seems really down. He wouldn't LEAVE, would he?" "...even worse then that time he SAW us..." "...it would just kill me if..." "...started on Saturday. He sulked the whole afternoon after you two excused yourselves to go to the house. I couldn't even get him to talk to me." "Saturday?" A crash. "Oh my god! Saturday was his birthday!" - February 27 "I said I don't want to talk about it." The counselor sighs. He lost his patience with me a long time ago. I can almost see the battle for professionalism play out against the disgust he feels for a man who allows his wife to have a lover. He keeps hoping he can make me see how bad this all is. But I see it already, and that is my secret weapon. "Don," he says, "I cannot help either of you if you refuse to talk. This is important. Can you agree with that?" "Fine. Yes." "Now, what were your thoughts on Saturday when Melody suggested that you spend the afternoon with the Marshalls?" I shift uncomfortably in my chair. "Please, Don. We need your honesty." I glance at Melody, who looks guilty and sad, and I give in. "I thought maybe it was a party for my birthday. She had been...meeting Adam a lot, and I guess I thought that maybe they all wanted to prop me up a bit. Which I needed, I'll admit. And when we hadn't even been there an hour before she...they excused themselves to go screw, I was furious. I thought, 'what, they can't even take the day off for my birthday?' But I guess I also secretly hoped that it was a trick...like maybe they were going to get something for the party." I let my dark feelings cloud my face. "They were gone for hours. Then Kathy said something about how nice it was to give them these days together, and that's when it hit me: she was babysitting. Maybe that wasn't the intention, but it is what it was. Melody had brought me over, dropped me off, and scurried out the door with her lover. I was something she needed to 'deal with' so she could have a good day." I look over at her. "On my birthday." There are tears streaking down her face, and she's shaking her head in tiny, spastic motions. The guilt and shame is almost palpable. I'm sure she remembers as vividly as I do all the scheming and work and excitement that surrounded Adam's birthday, just a few months ago. "I'm so sorry," she moans. "I...I just...I forgot, and..." "Melody," the counselor interjects, "why don't you tell us exactly what was in your head during this incident." She looks down. "Not much, I'm afraid. I didn't have any big design on the day...I certainly wasn't scheming to leave you with Kathy and run off all day. I just thought...well, Kathy and Adam are our friends. It was a nice day out, with no chores waiting to get done. And we hang out with them all the time. We always have. I just thought it would be fun to be together." The counselor wrote something down. "And what happened to change that?" She flushes. "We...all of us...were having lunch, and Adam was...across the table from me. I looked up at him just as he looked across at me...I don't even remember who was talking...and it was like flipping a switch. I...I don't know how to explain it, but it's like...warmth. In my belly." She gives me an apologetic look. "When we first started this, it was actually difficult to push myself to...be available...so often. Even though it was good," another wincing glance, "it was just a lot more sex than my drive was built for. But I found that, if I went along with it, by the time anything was really happening I'd be getting into it. I just needed to force myself to get to that point." She pauses. "Over time, I don't know if my body acclimated or if I just unlocked something in myself, or what, but it just became normal. Wanting, and having, tons of sex became a part of my new normal. I started to want it all the time, and to have this heightened response to every sensation. It's like I'm undergoing some wild sexual Renaissance. But it's intensely physical...it's not a thing I choose to feel, and it's not something I can just turn off. So when that spark happens, it's hard to ignore. It's almost like being light headed. And when it happened that day, I just felt at ease and that it was ok...you've been so understanding, honey...so I went for it. I never anticipated being gone for as long as we were, but we got to talking after, and then we were ready for more. The next thing I knew, it was after supper." She looks humiliated by this confession. She's not alone. "It was me," I say, not really wanting to. The counselor frowns. "What was you?" "The person talking while shs was getting lost I'm her urges" I turn to face her. "At lunch, the person you can't remember talking...it was me." I sigh. "I was talking about how lucky I was to have you." I look away. "I guess I'm the idiot." This sets off a fresh round of tears. - March 5 "Hi, honey," she says quietly, coming up behind me and putting her hand on my shoulder. I turn around in my chair, setting down my book. "What's up?" She strikes my neck. "I just wanted to tell you that I love you." I force a smile. "I love you too. And it's okay, Mel...honestly. I feel better for having talked about it." But she refuses to leave, her fingertips tracing my shoulders and head. After a while I go back to reading. - March 13 They're all waiting for me when I get home, looking as excited as they are nervous. "Is everything okay?" I ask. Kathy looks at Melody and Adam, then turns and beams at me in a way that hints at hidden fear. "We're pregnant." I don't know what to feel. Maybe 'At last?' Or 'What have we done?' Melody jumps up and runs into my arms. "Please be happy," she begs me. Behind her, I see two pairs of pleading eyes. I kiss the top of her head. "I am," I say. And for all I know, it might even be true. - April 2 It does feel good, you know. To know that all this was in service of a greater good. To know that a new life will be in the world, an innocent baby who will be loved by its parents. We set out to achieve something, and it worked. You should see the look on Katheryns face. I mean, all the time. Like heaven itself has come through the clouds. Adam, too. That feels...different...to me. But I suppose it shouldn't, and I hope our friendship gets easier with time. I miss the easiness. I'm reading the paper when Melody comes up and starts rubbing my shoulders. "Baby?" She asks. It suddenly occurs to me how long it's been since she called me that. "Yeah?" "It's over, you know. I mean...Adam..." She trails off awkwardly. "Is there a reason you haven't wanted to..." More awkward silence. "I wasn't sure it was good for the baby," I admit. "And I think I would prefer that a decent amount of tine pass between your last time with him and...and us." I give a reassuring smile. "Just so we don't have all those thoughts and fears hanging over us." She smiles back, but I can see disappointment there. "Okay," she says. "That makes sense." You can't imagine how scared I am by the thought of sex with this woman. - May 4 They come bustling through the door, a tsunami of shopping bags and laughter. Adam and I watch and share a moment of exasperation. "Think you bought enough?" he asks sardonically. Melody sets down her bags and puts her hands on her hips. "Do YOU want to be in charge of picking out baby clothes? No? Then shut it." He holds up his hands in surrender. But I'm not ready to give up. "Did you two leave anything in the racks for the other crazy hormonal nightm...I mean, women?" Melody shoots me a look, and I stick my tongue out. "If you must know," she says imperiously, "they were having a sale." "Yeah," I snort, "fifty percent off all items we marked up by thirty percent last week. You don't fool me." But Melody comes over and sits in my lap. "But Dad," she says in a pitch perfect impression of a whiny teenager, "it'll look so good with my purple earings!" And she holds a baby bib up to her neck. We all laugh, and she kisses me, but as I watch her and Katheryn show each other all the outfits they already saw each other but, I do wonder... Would I want this for me? Have Mel and I been wrong all along? She certainly seems to be falling into the role. And what about me? Deep down, do I want a baby? - June 18 Almost thirteen months since I've had sex. Probably six, since the last time I even felt the desire. I won't tell her that, though. In my best moments, I am confident that we will be able to repair what we've lost. But at other times, like right now, I see the way Melody's gaze lingers on Adam when she thinks no one is watching, or I listen to her toss and turn through another horny night, and I wonder how much of this might be with us forever. - July 9 The image of her slightly swollen stomach is in my head as I drive home from work, foreboding and reassuring. It means change...it proves unquestioningly that this thing has happened. And it may leave some permanent alterations to her body. But it is still success. She...we...will give our friends the ultimate gift. I wince as I reach the house. Her mother's van is sitting out front. If there's been any good to come out of this, it's that she has been gloriously absent for the past year. The sight that greets me when I come through the door into the kitchen freezes me where I stand. It's Melody, her mother...and Adam. Mel and Adam are sitting next to each other, comfy as any couple, although they immediately put more distance between each other as I enter. Katheryn's Baby The old witch just turns and smiles. "I hope you don't mind," she positively drips with false concern. "I just HAD to meet the father of my grandchild." Melody looks uncomfortable, but doesn't say anything. The witch lets me see the faintest hint of a smirk before turning back to chat with the happy couple. I go to shower. An hour later, both Adam and Dragon are gone. "I'm so sorry," Mel pleads. "I didn't know what to do! She just showed up, and was all smiles and joy...like she'd been supportive the whole time or something. She said she just wanted to meet him. And...then once he got here she was just so polite and positive." She wipes at a tear. "Don, she's my mother. No matter how difficult she can be...I do want her to approve of me. To like me. I couldn't just kick her out...not after all this time." "As long as she knows that this isn't about her. This is about Adam and Kathy's family...not hers." Mel flinches. "Actually...Kathy agreed to let Mom be a part of the baby's life. As a grandparent of sorts." "No." I surprise myself with the rage I feel. "Absolutely not." Melody steps back, surprised. "What do you mean, no? Why does it ma-" "I said NO!" I half-shout, scaring us both. "The agreement we had at the start of this was that the baby would be Kathy's and Adam's in all the ways that their own child would. And that does NOT include inviting your mother to parade it around as her grandchild." She looks stunned. I try to speak more calmly. "Your mother being involved blurs lines that were essential to my being okay with this. If it had been floated as a possibility at the start, I would have never agreed to it happening. You cannot make such a decision without me, and frankly Mel...it says a lot about where we are, that you were willing to." She looks trapped. "I didn't think it mattered. I wouldn't have done it if-" "So undo it." She winces. "I can't just take it away from her, Don. Not after promising..." She holds her hands out beseechingly. "It's her only grandchild." "IT'S NOT HER GRANDCHILD!!" Melody's nervous sympathy turns into feminine frustration...the kind aimed at men who are seen as being childishly stubborn...and suddenly I've had enough. I don't wait for more. I storm out. - July 11 "We're TRYING to understand," Katheryn pleads. "But you have to TALK to us." She and Melody are on the deck, having apparently decided that catching me while doing yard work would be their next strategic step. For the past ten minutes, however, I've done my best to prove that idea wrong "This was suppose to be your baby," I tell her. "That was the deal. If Broomhilda is the grandmother, then Melody is the mother. And that was not part of the deal." "We'll call her an aunt, then. The baby will nev-" "No. She's nothing to that baby. That's what she needs to be." I sigh. "Look, all of my willingness...ALL of it...was predicated on the idea that this would not turn into a situation where this was Melody's child but not mine. It has to be YOUR child and your child only, and bringing in that old bitch-" "Don!" "That old bitch," I repeat, "is clouding that separation. What's more, I think she's doing it on purpose." "That's ridiculous. You're being overly sens-" "I'm telling you how I feel. Isn't that what you wanted?" I stand up, pulling off my gloves. "I can only do this if this is your and Adam's baby. If it's yours and Adam's AND Melody's...then my heart is broken, and I should probably start looking for someplace else to live." Melody looks stunned, but Kathy wheels forward. "You don't understand how important this is to a woman her age," she insists. I wonder if she doesn't mean Melody as much as her mother. "You have to think about this from a woman's perspective." "And you have to think about it from a man's," I snap. Then I look at Melody. "I agreed to this with the understanding that it would still be me and you when it ended. It can't be me and you if they are your 'other family.' I have to know that if, someday, I get a job offer two states away, you won't hesitate to join me. I have to know that I am your family...your only family...and they are just your friends." I wipe the sweat off my brow. "You have to be willing to decide." Melody breaks into tears and runs off. Kathy wheels after her. Funny how nobody answered me. - July 12 "And how did that make you feel, Melody?" Mel stares at her hands for a moment, before responding to the counselor. "At first I was frustrated. Incredibly so. I just couldn't see why he was being so..." She trails off and smiles sadly. "That's when I realized that that was exactly it. I COULDNT see. My perspective on this whole thing was vastly different from his. And where my sacrifice would be up ahead, after the birth of the child...his had been ongoing. For more than a year." She smiles sadly at me. "I was fearing for the future, but you were already bleeding from the past. Your pain is already an old friend." I only nod, waiting. She fidgets. "I guess I just don't know how to fix this." Not what I wanted to hear. The counselor looks at me. I look back at him. Eventually he turns to Melody. "Do you intend to be a part of the child's life?" She considers it. "I always did. And I'm sure I said that. But not as a mother," she quickly adds. "As...I don't know. A family friend? A distant relative? Something small, but..." She shakes her head. "I guess I knew in my heart that Don might decide against that...that it might be too much for him...but I refused to admit it in my head." There is a long pause. "I'll call her tomorrow. She will just have to live with not knowing her grand-" a wince. "Kathy's baby." The counselor looks doubtful. "Are you sure? That's a large wound that you'll be creating. It could have far reaching ramifications." She looks at me, and self-pity fades to resolution. "I'm sure." We leave holding hands, but with little left to say. - July 20 The farmer's market is packed today. She waddles along, examines more than she buys, and the sun on her skin looks beautiful. "I should bake a pie," she says wistfully, as though it's an ordinary thing to say. I laugh. "You've never made a pie in your life." She fakes a pout. "So? Maybe I just know I'd do a good job, and you'd get fat." "There's no danger of that," I wave my hands over myself. "No," her good humor fades. "There's not." I sigh. "Don't do that. I just haven't been very hungry." "For a year?" "Well, certainly not since I imagine you trying to make a pie!" This gets me a swat and a laugh. But when she turns away, I see frustration in her eyes. For what, I can't say. But I see it a lot these days...whenever she thinks I won't notice it. Before I can think much of it, she swings around with glee. "I know!" She declares. "YOU can make the pie, and I can eat it! I'm already fat, so who will even care?" "You want me to bake a pie?" I scoff. "Like, for human beings to consume?" She nods. I make a face. "I just KNEW you were drunk..." Another playful swat in the arm. Another sun-bright laugh. - Aug 2 They're always here, it seems. I get it. It's your baby. You want to experience the pregnancy. But Jesus...give me some time with my wife. - Sept 10 I'm at the top of the stairs, and they don't know I can hear them. "Still?" Kathy seems shocked. "He hasn't even tried." "Maybe it's the pregnancy?" Adam sounds unconvinced. "After more than a year and a half? I would think that would be enough to make a loaf of bread look sexually inviting." "What about you?" Kathy asks. "Me?" A humorless laugh. "I'm climbing the walls. I spent a year training myself to want sex every day. I get turned on looking at bananas at the grocery store. But what can I do? I can't pressure him...not after everything he's been through." A sniffle. "It doesn't exactly help to have Adam around. No offense." "No," Adam grunts. "I understand completely. Believe me." Kathy clucks. "Maybe I could talk to him." "No," Mel responds. "That would still be pressure." "Maybe he'd let you be with Adam a few times, then. I mean," she adds quickly, "what harm would it do? It's not like it'd be anything new." There is a long silence. Then Melody says, in a low and sorrowful voice, "I don't think I should." I wait a while, and am careful to make plenty of noise when I come down the stairs. - October 1 "This isn't working out." I don't respond. I'm honestly not sure what he means. After a moment, he sighs and goes on. "These sessions always reach the same brick wall, Don. And that wall comes from your unwillingness to be honest about your feelings with your wife. So I'm canceling our upcoming session, and I've got a list I'd like you to consider." He moves it across the table. "Any of the people on this list would be able to help you work through what is clearly a deep and clinical depression. Until you acknowledge and address that, couples counseling will never be successful." I stare at the list. "What do I tell Melody?" "Tell her the truth. Tell her this hurt you far more than she realizes. It won't make her think less of you." No. It'll make her think less of her. It'll make her hate herself. I get up. "Take it easy, doc." "Don," he looks tired, "at the very least, can I recommend that you get a notebook and start a diary? Just so you have someplace to express yourself? The real you?" I look down at the list again, still sitting there on his desk. "Bye, doc." - Oct 5 "Don, what do I need to cook to get you to start eating better?" - Oct 10 The Halloween aisle has expanded into the school and office supplies. I call Melody. "They don't have the heavy weight paper out right now," I tell her. "Are they out?" "Halloween has taken over." "Oh." She pauses to think. "I guess regular white will do. Thank you for checking." "No problem." "All that way for nothing. You're so patient with me." "I'm patient FOR you. As you are for me." "What about if I fart?" She asks. "Don't you ever!" We both laugh. "I'll be home soon. Love you." "Love you too." I'm almost out of the aisle when I see the end cap. Journals. I pick one up, turn it over and over in my hands, and put it in the cart. - November 2 I think about them together a lot. I don't know if I've admitted that yet. Not so much the sex...that's almost too big to consider. But the smallest parts of that. The kissing...kissing is such a loving and tender act...and all of the sharing. I imagine her on all fours, presenting herself in that terribly obscene way, willingly (eagerly even) sharing a view of her body that she would hesitate to let a doctor see. I picture then laying together, afterwards, discussing the sex they just had. I find myself missing her sometimes, even when she's near. So who am I missing? - November 17 Getting soon now. I'm sitting in the kitchen, watching them all chat on the deck. Adam puts his hand on my wife's swollen belly, and they share a smile. The gaze lingers a little too long to be innocent, and Melody's cheeks flush as they pull away. As she turns, she notices me watching. Her smile returns, not a hint of guilt or shame to be found. Some cats never go back into the bag. - December 1 The baby's name is Michelle, and she is beautiful. Even from where I'm standing on the far end of the room, I can see tiny closed versions of Melody's almond-shaped eyes glistening with whatever goop they put on them. Adam and Kathy are holding a baby that looks like my wife, and I think I'm losing my mind. - December 22 Kathy and Adam have driven up to see his parents for the holidays. The baby is with them. Melody sits at the window all day and doesn't eat enough. She chews her nails, rifles through a magazine she's read a dozen times, breathes on the window, and draws a heart in the condensation. "She's too young for car travel," she says suddenly at one point. "Then how did they get her home?" She scowls and goes back to fidgeting. We've been sitting here for nearly four hours when she turns to look at me. She doesn't say anything...just watches me read. "It must have broken your heart," she whispers. "Every single day." I fight the urge to go to her. That would be a confirmation, though. "It got lonely," I admit. "But you always came back to me. And after a while, I came to understand that you always would." She wipes at tears. "I'm struggling." Welcome back to real life. "You need a distraction." And not the one I can give you. "Let's go see a movie." She sighs. "I don't know." I stand and offer my hand. "I insist." And we both know she's grateful that I do. - January 25 "Honey?" she calls out. I put the journal in my desk drawer. "Yeah?" "You okay? You've been real quiet in there." "Just answering some emails." "Okay." A pause. "I love you." I turn the key, locking the drawer. "I love you too." - February 23 "I'm sorry I snapped at you," she snuggles into my chest. "I don't know what's wrong with me." I hold her and don't tell her that I do know. I know that she's beginning to fray in the face of a sexless marriage. I know I'm not ready yet. I know how she looks at Adam and how he looks at her. I know how you've been going through batteries, my love. - March 7 Katheryn makes a face. "Don't be vulgar." "Then don't lie." She looks away, sighs. "It's different for us. Me and Adam, I mean. You have had two years of celibacy...some of it self-chosen. He's had years, and now he's looking at a lifetime of it." She bites her lip. "I don't want that for him." I nod. "He doesn't deserve it." "He doesn't. But that doesn't give them the right to-" "Do what comes naturally? They're both climbing the walls, Kathy. They both have spouses who can't help them." "You are destroying yourself, Don. I can see it. And if you don't tell her, I will." I hold out my arms. "Hey. I am destroyed. It's over. What I have left is love, for a woman who is growing irritable and frantic with unmet needs. If she goes, it's over." She doesn't like this, but doesn't know what to say. "We did this for you, Kathy. Oh, for Adam too. But really, for you. Now, we need to do it for them." "When do we do something for you?" I sigh. "Give me the time to see my way through this. That's something you can do for me." "You can't ignore this forever. You'll kill yourself." "If I haven't done it yet..." her eyes widen, and I backpeddle. "It won't be forever. I already feel better than I did six months ago." It feels true. Do I really feel better? I guess I do... Kathy doesn't buy it. "She'll kill you. And she'll think you're happy and free until the very last breath." "I keep telling you, and you never listen: I trust my wife." She considers that. "I guess I can get on board. But for how long?" I shrug. "I'm of no use in that department right now." "This won't fix that." "It will make it unimportant." "But why? Why do this?" "Because we broke me. We didn't mean to, but we did." "So fight back!" "Fight back?" I laugh. "With what? Tell me something: did you ever see them together?" She grimaces. "No." "Trust me: don't. No two bodies ever belonged more together, or found more joy in the uniting." She wipes at a tear. "You poor man." "The pressure has been building. Eventually they'll crack. If we don't provide an outlet, I may lose my wife." I meet her eyes. "Don't let that happen, Kathy." She nods. "I appreciate this, Don. I don't like what you're doing to yourself, but I appreciate it." I nod. "Do me one favor: you tell them. And make sure they believe it." She nods. "Melody will want to know why you can't..."'she glances down my body. "No she won't. She'll be so happy to have her joyous happy life back, she won't even blink about it." - March 25 I was right. They're back with a vengeance, so overjoyed by the release that they're blinded to propriety. Physical intimacy is a river they've dammed up for too long, and the flood is at hand. She texts me at 4:00. "Can you put off coming home until 6:00? I am going to have company." She adds a smiley face. And if you think it's gotten easier with time, then you're terribly wrong. - April 4 We're out for a walk, and she's holding my hand. "I can't believe we made it through," she says with honest calm. As if this were the other side of the storm. Well, for her I suppose it is. "It's a beautiful day," I offer lamely. She mistakes this for agreement. "Life just doesn't get any better than this." I feel sick. "You're very beautiful when you're happy." She lets go of my hand to spin around in place. Then she put her arms around my neck. "Mama's very happy," she coos. I want to scream. I made this. I made her believe it didn't bother me. I even made her believe it made me happy. Her eyes roll back in her head. "Mama's sooo happy today." I hold my breath. She leans in for a kiss. "Aren't you going to ask?" she teases. - April 5 She calls me at work. "I'm sorry about yesterday." I act confused. "What?" "I was just enjoying the evening. I shouldn't have...thrown that in your face the way I did. I ruined the moment." I bite my lip. "Honey. I love you. You being happy could never ruin my day." There's a long silence on the other end. "You are my whole world," she insists. "Promise me you'll tell me if I ever go to far. I don't want to make you hurt." Sure. Just let me go back in time a few years. "Don't worry. I'll tell you. Now, I have to get back to work." - April 11 She snuggles up against me and watches the sunset. "I love you," she whispers. Melody is glowing. Honestly, I missed that. When she's glowing, it's like watching an angel. Even if the cause is a deal made with the devil. - May 2 I'm at work, and tired, and feeling rather old, when the phone rings. "What did you do?!" A shrill voice calls down the receiver. "What the hell did you do???" Melody's mother. "I don't know what you are on about Ruth, but please don't ca-" "She's done with you, you bastard! Whatever you did, I'll make sure she never forgets it! She hasn't stopped crying since she got here!" I sit up. "Melody's there?" "First you take her b-" "MELODY IS THERE?" I leap to my feet. "Is she okay? Let me talk to her." The line goes dead. I am cold. Sweating. This is it. This is the end. She's going to leave me for him. What will Kathy do? I leave early, calling her cell and leaving messages to call me back. Nothing. I wipe at tears, and curse and punch the wheel. I leave more calls. Running into the house, I see nothing to explain this turn of events. I shout her name. Nothing. I run from room to room until... My journals. All of them, laid out in the guest bedroom. Open. Read. Wet from tears. I fall to my knees. Years of deeply personal confessions, and secret pain, and now she knows it all. Knows what I heard, what I saw, what I felt and what I lied about. Knows that I did it for her, if I'm really lucky. But then, she did run to the Dragon... I put my face in my hands and groan. What does she feel? Betrayed? Deceived? Angry? Alone? The closest book is open to an entry about the counselor, and his belief that I am clinically depressed. The one closest to that is open to an entry about wanting to be a father. I put my face to the carpet and scream. - It's morning. What day? I'm not sure. My lips are chapped. There's a shadow over me. I look up. "Am I a monster?" She asks. "It was always right there, right in my face, and I never saw." Katheryn's Baby "You weren't meant to see." "But I should have! It shouldn't have been so easy to hide it from me. I was your wife." Was. Something inside me falls. "Well," I smack my lips for moisture, still going for bravado. "I'm very good." "You're lying in the hallway with red eyes and pressure marks on your face." "The mark of a true champion." "Don't," she insists, crouching down to help me up. "Don't deflect. Not anymore." "Ok." "All those things I said to you. I thought I was praising you, in my own sick way...acknowledging your kindness and patience. But I was just stabbing you in the back, over and over again." "The heart." "Sorry?" "Nothing." She lets out a moan. "I fucked him while you were in the house." A shudder. "I bragged about how good it made me feel. I feel sick." "Are you...I mean did you come here..." "For you." Her arms wrap around me. "I came for you." I hang on tightly. "I can't stay here," I say at last. "I know you can't. I can't either. We will have to move. Start somewhere fresh." "Ok." "You'll have to tell me everything. I won't be lied to any more. Not even if you think it helps." "Ok." "And we're going to talk about the things you wrote. You need to see a doctor about your depression." "We'll talk." "Damn right we will. We both need clarity on some issues." I don't look forward to that. "Ok. But not right now." She doesn't respond at first. "Don, do you really want a baby?" "I said not right now." She stiffens. "Yes, right now." Honesty time. "Yes." She squeezes into my shoulder, sobbing. We don't move right away. It sounds suspiciously like joy. "Are we going to make it?" she asks later. I take her hand, finding more strength than I can ever remember having had before. "We already have." She smiles. I stand up.