1 comments/ 9440 views/ 1 favorites Bitchin' Betty Ch. 01 By: Onoz Sergeant Darbe chewed thoughtfully on the end of his cigar, turning it in his mouth while he absent-mindedly punched a series of numbers into the glowing red keypad at his fingertips. His chewing paused for a long moment... then the keypad beeped twice and turned green. His chewing resumed. In front of him a man-sized pod began to disassemble to a symphony of clinks, clanks and hissing air. Eventually the front fell away and the thing inside made to take a step out of the chamber. Its foot halfway to the ground, it paused, spun on its heel and reached into the recesses of the pod. Darbe's brow furrowed as he watched the figure fumbling with something. He chewed some more on the end of his cigar then rolled it to the opposite corner of his mouth and chewed again. Finally the man (for it was quite apparent now that that's what the figure was) turned and stepped out of the pod, his shape no longer made indistinct by the clouds of compressed air still pouring into the room. Darbe studied the man in front of him, starting from his feet and moving up the perfectly proportioned and well muscled six foot body. His gaze finally rested on the man's mouth, occupied by what looked to be a long-frozen waffle. Darbe sighed and shook his head slowly. "Mnmnen caf'n," the man said before reaching up to remove the waffle from his mouth. "Sorry, evenin' Cap'n." Darbe shook his head again and corrected the man. "It's Sergeant. I'm a sergeant, not a captain." "Righto Cap-" "Sergeant!" The man stuffed the waffle back in his mouth and nodded, reminding himself: Ok, he's a captain... not a sergeant... got it. He then walked over to a nearby closet and knelt down, pulling out various pieces of armor and tossing them over his shoulder into a heap on the floor. After a minute or so his hands rested on a pair of boots and he smiled around his waffle. He turned and sat down on the cold steel floor and began to pull the boots on while he listened to Darbe muttering something under his breath about "there's got to be someone else." He continued to struggle with his boot for a moment then paused to readjust the waffle in his mouth. Darbe looked up at the seated man and sighed again. "Well? What do you remember?" He appeared to have caught the man off-guard, for he just sat there with a puzzled look on his face and a thin tendril of drool escaping the corner of his mouth around the slowly softening waffle. He sat there for a couple more seconds before resuming his struggle with the boot, finally yanking it on and wiggling his toes to get comfortable. Satisfied, he reached for the other boot. Thinking perhaps that the man hadn't heard him, Darbe cleared his throat and tried again. "Ahem. What do you remember from before the cryo-chamber?" The man sat up a little straighter, tugged on the boot a few more times, then shrugged and took a tentative bite out of the waffle. "Don' memmer muff." Darbe sat down hard on a chair and rubbed his temple gently, waited for the man to finish his mouthful of waffle and try again. Chew, chew. Swallow. Chew, swallow. "Mm, awfully bad manners of me eating like this in front of you Cap'n, but cryo-chambers do that to ya. I said, 'Don't remember much.'" Darbe made to correct him then thought better of it and let it slide. He leaned back and seemed to suddenly remember the well-chewed cigar in his mouth. Rolling it to one side of his mouth he reached into his pocket and withdrew a small lighter, lit the cigar, then replaced the lighter. The man crinkled his nose at the smell of burning cigar and then turned to pull out another piece of armor from the pile. His hands rested on the neoprene suit that was made to lie under the armor and grabbed it. He looked down at his booted feet, then back to the neoprene suit, then back to his boots and frowned. Darbe drew in a deep puff from the cigar and watched in amusement. The man sat there for a few moments, his mind furiously working at how he could possibly get the suit on without taking his boots off. Finally he gave up and started to pull his boots off with much muttering and swearing under his breath. Darbe suppressed a laugh and took another puff from the cigar, blew it out in a ring of smoke and started to brief the man. "It's 2463 AD. You've been in cryo for about 30 years." The man paused from taking off his boots and looked up at Darbe with a blank face. Silence. "The Emperor is on his death bed and his nephew is taking steps to assume the throne. His nephew is corrupt and cares little for the galactic populace." The man swallowed another bite from his waffle and continued to stare blankly at Darbe. The sergeant shifted uncomfortably in his seat and took another deep puff from his cigar. "I... that is we... we want you to eliminate the nephew before he can screw up the Empire even more." The man sitting on the floor thought about this for a minute. The "Empire"--whatever that was-- was corrupt--whatever that meant--and these people--whoever they were--wanted him to eliminate the dying Emperor's nephew--that part he understood. He swallowed another bite of his waffle and in the dim recesses of his mind it occurred to him that he had a name. Damn cryo-chambers. His face screwed up in concentration as he tried to remember his name. D... D... Well it was D-something. "Hello? Are you listening to me?" The man snapped out of his reverie and looked up at the strange person sitting in front of him with a cigar in his mouth. He narrowed his eyes in suspicion and looked around him warily. Satisfied that he wasn't in any immediate danger he looked back to the man with the cigar and a name flashed into his mind. "Darbe, hi... What was my name again? It started with a D didn't it?" The man with the cigar looked at him strangely and rolled his cigar around in his mouth a few times. He leaned back in his chair, looked up at the ceiling, closed his eyes. "Put on your suit and get the helmet on." The young man's gaze drifted back to the pile of armor on the floor next to him, his eyes drawn to the helmet that seemed to be begging to be put on. Forgetting the lesson he had learned about the hidden order his armor seemed to have in being put on, he grabbed the helmet and slipped it over his head. Hi Diego! piped a small female voice in his head. Diego jumped and looked around manically searching for the source of the voice. Stop being silly, I'm right here. He spun around expecting to see a small gnome in a flowery pink dress behind him. Nothing. He turned back around. Oh my, my... the cryo-chamber seems to have taken a toll on your memory. Ok, maybe not a flowery pink dress. Bitchin' Betty Ch. 02 Darbe's booted heels clicked down the corridor with the shuffling echo of the young man behind him. Still struggling to put on his boots and eat his frozen waffle at the same time, he hopped on his left foot for a couple of steps, grabbed his helmet before it could fall out from under his arm, then stamped down on his right foot forcing it into the boot. Finally comfortable with his helmet under his arm and the rest of his suit put on in the right places and the right order (after many unsuccessful tries of course), he started to examine his surroundings. Pale, electro-luminescent overhead fixtures were placed every ten meters or so, providing the sparse lighting for the hallway. The walls and floor were devoid of any decoration with only the occasional faint outline in the wall that gave away the presence of a door. Convinced that his immediate surroundings weren't due to change any time soon Diego began to shift towards one side of the hallway, the long patches of darkness made by the overhead lighting seemed to be a natural place for him to-- "Diego? What the hell are you doing?" --not slink from shadow to shadow. He straightened and fell in step behind and to the right of the sergeant once again, resisting the urge to slide back into the shadows and sneak around like the stealthy assassin that he was supposed to be. A few minutes later the hallway came to an abrupt stop punctuated by the presence of a large door. Darbe stopped a few meters short of the door and looked up at it warily then sighed and walked forward. "Welcome to the bridge Sergeant Darbe," the door chimed before opening in an array of lights not entirely unlike the casinos of Vegas back on Earth. Darbe stepped through the door and walked a few steps before realizing Diego hadn't followed him. He turned slowly and looked at the small screen next to the doorway that displayed the hall just outside. Diego was standing still as a statue and studying the door carefully. Suddenly he leaped to the side of the hall and plastered himself to the wall, inching slowly forward. The door hummed, ready to open and announce someone… but there was no one there. The door frowned--as much as a door can frown--in consternation. It swept its scanners over the hallway again: nothing. Puzzled, Darbe watched the screen closely, waiting for the door to sense Diego and open with it's usual chime. A minute passed, then another and still nothing happened. Just as the door seemed about ready to acknowledge the lack of presence outside, Diego jumped out from the shadows waving his arms around wildly, "Boo!" The door opened with a slam and a shocked gasp. Embarrassed, it muttered sullenly "Hi Diego," then promptly turned itself off. Quite pleased with himself, Diego waltzed through the doorway with a smug look on his face and turned to Darbe, "Where to now?" Darbe shook his head and chuckled; Diego had certainly lost none of his boyish qualities in cryo. The sergeant turned and began to walk down the bridge, talking over his shoulder as he went. "The captain wants to see you before we send you off." "Mm-k." "A few items about your mission, the cryo chamber and your memory." Darbe looked over his shoulder and threw a lopsided grin back at Diego, "Nothing too painful." Abashed, Diego rubbed the back of his neck and glanced down at his helmet, remembering the strange woman in his head. "Oh, and of course she's eager to meet the infamous Diego." Darbe added with a wink. Diego, of course, missed the hint and continued to walk on down the bridge in ignorance. Darbe stopped at his station and watched the broad back of Diego approach the captain's chair and utterly failed to smother an ear-splitting smile. Diego snapped to attention at the back of the captain's chair, staring straight ahead as was customary. A few moments passed with no apparent recognition of his presence, then a soft, melodious and very female voice wafted up over the chair to his ears, "At ease Diego." In the time it took for the chair to turn around to face him, Diego managed to drop his jaw in shock, pick it back up again with great effort, blink several times and mentally slap his forehead as the sergeant's words come back to him: Oh, and of course she's eager to meet the infamous Diego. He had said 'she' after all, hadn't he. Diego regained his composure just in time to lose it again as the captain came into view. His hastily clamped jaw unraveled again and his tongue very nearly made it to the deck. She was gorgeous, light brown hair cut to her shoulder was held up in a tight bun giving her a very business-like appearance. A smattering of freckles across her soft and round cheeks maintained a bit of girlish quality and the thin glasses perched on the edge of her nose tied her back down to business. Given the sharpness with which her eyes studied him, Diego suspected that the glasses were more for show than anything else. With a well-practiced motion she removed her glasses, gestured to the chair beside her and returned the temples of her glasses to her mouth to chew on pensively. She couldn't help the slight upturn at the corner of her mouth at his reaction, and was desperately trying to hide it with her hand. Diego managed to scrape together some shreds of his dignity and quietly declined the seat. "Erm, no thanks Captain, I'll just stand if it's all the same to you." "Fair enough," she said, trying and failing to hide the smirk now. "Well I expect Sergeant Darbe has briefed you somewhat on the current situation?" "Something about an Emperor and a corrupt nephew." Diego's memory recalled the enjoyable waffle much more readily than his brief conversation with Darbe. His stomach also took that moment to reminisce on the waffle and grumbled audibly. Captain Embers heard it and promptly buzzed someone in the galley to bring up some food for the starving assassin. As they waited for the food, she studied Diego carefully, her elbow on the arm of her chair and her cheek resting against her hand. Six feet tall, ear length and unruly brown hair, browned but not dark complexion. He was, in truth, quite handsome in his own way. The thing that most caught her eye, though, were his piercing golden-amber eyes. They shone with remarkable intelligence, completely unexpected given the rest of his character. So this is the infamous Diego, she chuckled to herself. Well he certainly is an eyeful. Diego blushed a deep red at that moment, almost as if he could read her mind. Her smirk returned. The food arrived shortly and Embers stood up and turned to face the unchanging view of the stars ahead. Diego took this chance to make truce with his angry and rebellious stomach as well as get a good view of the Captain. She can't be more than five six, he thought. Slim waist, nice curves. Chew. He was down to her knees before he realized she had turned around and was talking to him. A hand came into his field of view and directed his gaze back to her face. Diego looked back up and grinned sheepishly. "As I was saying, the Emperor's nephew is on the forest planet Arden just now, and is not planning to leave for another month. That should be plenty of time to do your work, no?" "I suppose so…" he trailed off, not knowing how he would get to Arden, or where Arden was for that matter. "There's a pod--" Diego groaned, "--waiting to take you there as soon as you're ready. How's the memory coming?" she asked. Diego shrugged non-commitally. "I guess the most accurate answer would be: 'What memory?'" he replied. She chuckled and nodded. "I suspected as much, well my name is Embers, Captain Emerald Embers. You may call me Embers or Captain," then as an afterthought, "or Captain Embers I suppose." "And I'm Diego, although it appears you already knew that," Diego said, swallowing his current mouthful of linguine. She smiled a sweet smile and continued. "You worked for my father 30 years ago, and I heard nothing but praise for your work. Now I am asking for your help again." Diego paused and looked up at her again, "Asking for my help? That wasn't the impression I got." He looked back toward Darbe's station and caught a glimpse of the sergeant working away. Embers raised an eyebrow at that and wondered what exactly Diego had been told. "I see." There was a short pause as Diego finished his plate and sat back. "Well will you do it?" "Let's see, I'm pulled out of a cryo-chamber with no memory of my previous life, no idea where I am and hardly an idea of who I am. Now I'm being asked by someone that I've never seen before if I'll help her kill the corrupt nephew of a dying Emperor on the grounds that I worked with her father 30 years ago." He paused for a moment and thought, he was missing something. "Oh yes, and there's some funny lady in my helmet that talks to me when I put it on." Embers winced at the accurate, yet grim description. "Yes I suppose it doesn't sound all that great when you put it like that." "Mmm," and Diego thought some more. "Yeah I guess I will, it's not like I have anything better to do right?" Relief flashed across the captain's face and the tension eased from her shoulders. "You don't know how glad I am to hear that." Diego smiled easily back at her. "How about the rest of my stuff? I assume there is more than just the clothes on my back right? Do I have any money?" "Yes and yes, Darbe will show you to your quarters and give you a data card with your account information on it." "In that case, Captain, I'll be taking my leave of you and I'll let you know when I'm on my way." Diego stood and walked back down the bridge towards Darbe's station. Embers eyes followed his broad shoulders down the bridge, her gaze slowly drifting down his back towards his--hand that was directing her in the general direction of his face. A hot flush raced across her cheeks and down her neck as she caught sight of the grin slapped across his face. He winked, turned and walked through the bridge doors after Darbe. Bitchin' Betty Ch. 03 Darbe led the grinning assassin down a winding labyrinth of corridors, access shafts and more corridors. He finally stopped at a non-descript doorway with the same faint outline as the bridge's door. He looked over his shoulder at Diego who returned the gaze with one of cherubic innocence. "What?" said Diego, struggling to keep the impish grin from returning without much success. A few moments passed and Darbe couldn't take it anymore, he burst out laughing. "I suspect you're a bit cross with me for not letting you know a bit more." "Cross? Me? Never." Diego replied in mock indignation. "Oh yes, you're the image of purity you are." Darbe walked through the door, tuning out the generic "Hi, welcome to Diego's quarters, have a nice day" chime. Surprisingly, Diego didn't toy with the door this time and followed Darbe in. He took a quick glance around the room and frowned. "These are my 'possessions?'" Darbe looked around, somewhat embarassed, "Well, yes… that is… errr…" he trailed off. Diego fixed him a piercing gaze then grinned. "My own fault I guess." He stepped around the room, taking in the small bunk that was his bed and the smaller closet next to it. He peeked into the closet, pulled out a dusty footlocker and set it on the bed. Fumbling with the latch for a few minutes, he took a deep breath and then snapped it off. "I don't suppose you knew the combination did you?" Darbe shook his head and Diego turned back to the now open footlocker. "Good, neither did I." He reached in and pulled out a pocket-sized, entirely alien looking tool and pondered it briefly before turning to Darbe. "You don't--" "Nope." "Mmm." He tossed it over his shoulder and it landed in a corner with a beep. He put his hand in again and pulled out two small cylindrical objects which Darbe shifted away from nervously. Diego noted the motion and held them daintily by the tips of his fingers. "And these?" "Those are your… err… weapons of choice. Betty would know how to use them." "Betty?" "Oh right, your memory. Betty's the AI unit in your helmet." A look of recognition crossed Diego's face and he looked down at his helmet suspiciously. "She's only there when I put it on right?" "Yeah." Diego nodded and set the weapons down carefully, then returned to the footlocker. The last item that he pulled out was a small palm-sized panel with no apparent knobs, dials or buttons to fiddle with. He looked at it, puzzled, and was just about to open his mouth when Darbe spoke. "That's the hologram device that you'll use to communicate with Captain Embers. It's keyed to the word 'embers,' that'll turn it on and display a hologram of you to her, and if you tap the top of it like so," Darbe took the pad from Diego and tapped one of the sides, "then it displays a hologram of her as well." Darbe handed the device back to Diego and he studied it carefully, trying in vain to remember which of the identical sides Darbe had just touched. "Well I guess I better get going then." Diego grabbed the strange tool he had thrown over his shoulder, stuffed the panel into a pocket in his suit and gingerly picked up the two weapons he had lain on the floor. He searched for a suitable place to stuff them and then noticed the two holsters on his back in a reflection from the door. Cool, I feel like one of those old-time samurai guys. He posed briefly, much to the amusement of the sergeant. Patting himself down and checking to make sure everything was in place, he made to leave the room and then thought of something. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the small hologram pad. He turned it over several times in his hands then remembered the key-word. "Embers" he murmured softly to it. It beeped back at him. He lifted it up to his face and peered at each side of it, absolutely convinced that the two were identical. He was just lifting his finger to tap experimentally on one of the faces. Just before his finger touched, the familiar soft voice of the captain floated out of it. "Ah-ah-ah. Other side." Diego frowned and turned it over, then tapped it once and waited for something spectacular. Darbe coughed and Diego turned to look at him. "Hmm?" "You're holding your finger over the display." "Oh, right…" Diego's mind raced to figure which of his fingers was over the display, then lifted apparently the right one, "I knew that." Darbe nodded. "Of course you did, I was just reminding you." There was a soft chuckle from the hologram of Embers. "What? I did!" exclaimed Diego. The small image of the captain smiled up at him and made a motion as if to pinch his cheek. "You're a cute one aren't you?" Flustered, Diego hunched his shoulders and turned a pouty lip. "Fine, fine, have your laughs. I was just going to say that I'll be leaving now." "Oh, I almost forgot. Your data-card." Darbe said, tapping Diego on the shoulder and turning over a rather beaten-up chip of plastic. "It's uh, seen better days I suppose." Diego shrugged, "It still works right?" "Mmhm." "Then it's good enough for me. Say, how much do I have on this thing?" Captain Embers scrunched her nose in thought, "From what I know, it plugs into your helmet and records everything you do or say or think. It's like Betty's journal." Diego frowned at the chip and held it as if it were a venomous snake poised and ready to bite. "You're going to have to get used to her you know, she won't go away and we can't replace her." Diego's frown deepened then he sighed and placed the hologram on the bed, lifted the helmet to his head and lowered it. Weeee, you're back! came the small voice. Diego shuddered uncomfortably. Stop being a baby. You used to like my company. Betty sounded like she was pouting. Then an image of a short, cute girl appeared in his mind. His eyes opened wide and then he shut them tightly. The image didn't go away. The little girl sniffed and was just about to break out into tears when Diego opened his mouth. "I just need some… time… to get used to this." That seemed to calm her down. Cautiously he opened his eyes again and caught the amused expressions of Darbe and hologram-Embers. He fixed them both with a fierce glare that spoke volumes, then stuck his tongue out at them. Embers giggled girlishly and Darbe averted his gaze with a grin. You can talk to me up here, just think at me. chimed Betty amused with the whole situation, her previous pout forgotten. Diego nodded and decided to give it a try. So you're uhm, how old? I'm 19, coming on 20 this fall, chirped Betty. And I am…? 26, and 'not my type.' Betty seemed put out by this last bit. Or so you tell me time and again. Puzzled, Diego stored that bit of information for later prying, worried at what he might discover. So uh… ok I can't do this. "Much better." he finished out loud. Suit yourself. "Now how do I plug this thing in?" he said, half to Betty and half to Embers and Darbe. Just press it into the slot in the back of your helmet. Betty chimed, a split second before Darbe and Embers said in unison: "Just press it into the slot in the back of your helmet." "Ok, ok… I got it." He lifted it up to the nape of his neck and felt around with his fingers for the slot, found it and pressed the chip in. A flood of images and memories rushed through his head in a jumble and he sat down heavily on the thin mattress. I'll deal with this, don't worry. Diego breathed a deep sigh of relief at that. "So what does my account balance look like?" At the moment it's… there was a slight hum then, hovering at about 2.3 million credits. "Oh. Wow." The mental image of the girl, of Betty, smiled and continued. Yes, we're doing quite well for ourselves. "Hey! My memory might not be what it was, but I'm smart enough to realize that I didn't consider myself a couple with an AI unit in my helmet. So no funny business trying to rearrange my memories ok?" Betty's image pouted again, Spoilsport. Embers seemed to take particular interest in that last statement, then straightened herself out. "Anything else that you need me for?" "Ah… no, I think that was all. Thanks for the dinner, I'll pay you back some time." He promptly turned the hologram off, leaving the captain to herself to try and decipher what he had meant. Darbe headed out the door and paused with his hand on the frame, then spoke back over his shoulder. "You take care out there Diego, you'll be sorely missed if you don't." "Aye aye…" then with an impish grin added, "Cap'n." Darbe winced and then sighed. Incorrigible devil, he thought. Some day he'll meet his match. Finally left alone, Diego stuffed the hologram into his pocket and stood up. Giving the room a last cursory look, he spun on his heel and walked out into the corridor. "Alright Betty, point me in the right direction." The little girl pointed in a random direction and giggled. Diego's eyes narrowed. "Funny." Ok ok. A small tugging in the back of his mind was telling him to turn right, so he did. Finally oriented in the right direction he started off down the long hallway at a jog, Betty chattering incessantly in his head. Arden huh? I always wanted to go there. It's supposed to be really pretty. Think we could get a souvenir? Maybe a new outfit for me? Diego rolled his eyes. "Yeah sure, we can get a new outfit for you." Betty beamed and did a twirl in his head which was altogether unsettling. Goodie! Oh, turn right here. The small tugging in his mind returned and he angled off down a somewhat narrower corridor. "So where are we now?" These are the escape pods. Diego flinched again at that word. "I hate pods." Baby, Betty teased and stuck her tongue out, They make great conversation. Diego briefly wondered what an AI unit and an escape pod might talk about then stopped that train of thought deciding it wasn't conducive to good mental health. Betty continued to talk, trying to make light conversation with Diego but got nothing more than a "yes" or "mmhm" in reply and shortly gave up. Betty started to amuse herself with sorting out Diego's old memories and Diego studied the escape pods around him. The entrance hatches were small and round and after peaking into an open hatch, Diego could tell that the escape pods themselves were small and round. "Lovely." There was a dim red light flooding the corridor that didn't seem to be coming from anywhere in particular and plenty of buttons, cranks and wheels. Betty's voice came to him faintly, as if through several aisles of old and dusty books. We're coming up on our pod. Diego nodded and slowed to a walk, taking a closer look at the pods around him. Just about every one of them had a small panel over the entrance, detailing it's pre-programmed destination. All but one of them was headed to Earth. Correctly guessing that the one pod he saw that wasn't heading to Earth was heading to Arden and therefore was the pod he would be taking, Diego stepped into the hatch. There was barely enough room for him to turn around inside, and several control panels on opposite sides of him for maximum "convenience." Press that button to your right. Diego looked to his right. Pause. "Which button to my right?" The one that says "Warning!" "Oh, you mean the big red button that looks like it really shouldn't be pushed?" Yeah, that one. "Ok." Diego pushed the button and waited. Nothing seemed to be happening. "Now what?" Juuuuust wait… Diego waited some more. Just as he was about to hit the button again, there was a rush of compressed air and the kick of the small engine starting up. Diego slammed up against the hatch and muttered, "Could've warned me about that." But what fun would that be? Betty replied with a grin. Bitchin' Betty Ch. 04 Diego sat with his chin in hand, playing idly with the two-day old stubble on it. They'd been hurtling through space on a very specific course, but what that course was he didn't know. Betty would chatter to the navigation computer every now and then and there would be a slight adjustment in the flight, then it would continue for hours with no excitement. "Are we there yet?" No, stop asking. We're still 6 hours away from Arden. Diego yawned and turned onto his side. Something was digging into his ribs. He sat up and fumbled in his pocket, turning out the small alien tool he had found in his footlocker. "Say, what is this thing anyway?" Betty pried herself away from her game of chess with the navigation unit to see what he was talking about. Hmm? Oh, that. It's a lot of things; tracking device, suit charger, bottle opener. You name it. Tracking device, suit charger, bottle opener… "Bottle opener?" It didn't look like any bottle opener he'd ever seen. Yeah, or… well you used it as one a lot. I'm actually pretty sure that 'bottle opener' wasn't among it's original list of uses. "Oh." Betty returned to her game of chess and Diego started pressing buttons on his bottle opener. For the most part he would press a button and it would beep back cheerily at him with no apparent effect. "Hmm…" There is an instruction manual you know. "Instruction manual? What do I need one of those for? I've got this thing figured out just fine." Uh-huh, Betty nodded, clearly not believing Diego. "Instruction manuals are for sissies." Five minutes passed with much of the same button pressing, cheery beeping, and no progress. "Instruction manual you say?" Mmhm. Diego paused for a moment, then continued pressing buttons. Just as he was about to turn up a dial that looked like it might be the volume Betty stopped him. I wouldn't do that. "Do what?" Turn that dial. "Why not?" That's the self-destruct timer. "I see." Diego's hand made a hasty retreat. "So where's that instruction manual?" Betty giggled and flashed an image into Diego's mind. "That's very disturbing you know." Of course, that's why I do it. Diego sighed and then pressed the bottle opener into a slot on his right thigh. If he thought that the previous image Betty had flashed was disturbing, this next bit would have had him on his knees with a front row seat to his lunch's second coming. That is, it would have if there had been space in the the shuttle to do so. After a few minutes of clash of the titans with his stomach, Diego sat upright again. "What's the line from that old movie?" I'm afraid you'll have to be a tad bit more specific than that. Betty said sweetly. "You know, the one about robots taking over and virtual reality." There was a hum as Betty searched through her memory banks. The Matrix? She ventured. "Yeah, that's the one." Another hum. 'There is no spoon?' "Nope, something else. You know, the part where he sits up in his chair and says something really stupid." Oh, 'I know kung fu.' "Yeah, that's the one." Diego laughed tentatively, satisfied that his stomach wasn't going to rebel, he laughed again. Men. Betty muttered. "What was that?" Nothing, nothing. We're coming up on Arden's system, so you might want to hold on to something. Remembering the initial jettison of his shuttle, Diego made a frantic grab for the nearest handle-looking object. His hand shot out and his fingers wrapped around a large, ominous looking lever. Not that one! Diego's head turned in slow motion to look at what he had just grabbed. The label was upside-down. "E…V…A…S…I…" Evasive Action! "Oh shi--" At that precise moment the shuttle spun into a tight spiral, and then veered off sharply to the left towards a nearby moon. A robotic, monotonous voice kicked in to mention that a habitable moon had been located and they were on course to crash land on it in approximately 22 minutes. Diego's mind and Betty exchanged glances and they both started pressing buttons and knobs, turning dials and pulling levers in a mad effort to abort the 'evasive action.' The shuttle stopped spiraling and the navigational computer figured that now was a great time to try out it's new weaving maneuver. Diego quickly gave up trying to take control and curled up into the fetal position. Several minutes later the ship had stopped it's evasive action and was just making a bee-line towards the moon. Diego was lying on his back with his legs propped up against the hatch and his arms folded across his chest, watching Betty's image in his mind. She was sitting down with her chin in her hand and the other arm outstretched towards the control panel, idly pressing buttons. Click. Nope. Click. Nope. Click. Nope. Oh I give up. "Computer? What's the name of the moon we're landing on?" There was no answer. Diego lifted his head and raised an eyebrow. "Computer?" There was a faint whirring and hum, then: "Unknown." His head sank back to the floor and he closed his eyes. "Lovely." You say that a lot. "It fits a lot of situations." Having decided that there was no hope in trying to take control of the shuttle's course, Betty resumed her game with the navigation unit. This was the third round they had played, and Betty was starting to wonder what kind of a computer the navigation unit really was, it took hours to think out it's moves and it invariably lost. She moved her knight forward, captured a pawn and put his king in check. Check. The computer hummed for a minute, then moved his king into a more isolated corner of the board. Betty arched her eyebrow quizzically then advanced her queen. Checkmate. The computer buzzed happily and announced that Betty had won. You're not very big on this chess thing are you? "Oh no, I could have won about 23 plays ago. But it is so much more fun to play when I turn off my navigation systems." Betty thought about this for a minute… navigation unit turning off it's navigation systems. She gave up trying to see the logic in it and sighed. Diego? Fancy a game of chess? Diego took a look at the chessboard and decided his brain wasn't in the mood for committing suicide just yet. "No thanks." Betty's lip turned out and she adopted the biggest pair of puppy-dog eyes ever seen. Diego's will lasted just long enough to see her eyes start to tear before he gave in. "Oh alright." Betty beamed and set up the next round, the navigation unit watching in amusement. Betty was white and started first. Diego thought for a total of three seconds and then made his move. Convinced that this would be an easy win, Betty started to make her moves faster. Two minutes later Diego smiled. "Checkmate." Betty's eyes opened wide and she took a look at the chessboard. Wha… how… she floundered. Diego shrugged and lay back down. Her eyes narrowing in suspicion, Betty glared at the navigation computer which was beaming back at her gleefully. Cheater. Un-phased, the computer announced that they were entering the small moon's atmosphere. Diego found a lever that was markably less dangerous than the previous one and braced himself.