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A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 01

By: KarennaC



Prologue

The loving over, she sat up and began to put her shirt back on. He pulled her back. "Don't do that," he said. "I like looking at you."

She lay against him, her head on his chest. "You know, you're the only guy who's ever seen me naked," she said.

"What about Jason?"

"He and I haven't made love. He's too scared. He's a virgin."

For a moment, he was laughing too hard to speak. "Does he know you aren't?" 

"I told him about the guy last summer."

He kissed her. "That was incredible," he said. "I've been waiting a long time for you to finally let me fuck you."

"Was that all it was, a good fuck?" she asked, trying to sound as though she was joking.

"No way," he said, very serious. "You should know better than that. You know with you it was making love."

"If it was making love, why do you keep calling it fucking?"

"Dani, come on. You know that's the way I am. I'm not very good at acting like I give a shit, but that doesn't mean I don't."

"I know." 

"You do know how much I care about you, don't you?"

"Yes," she said. Not really, she thought.

He grinned. "So how come you never let me fuck you before?"

"We tried," she said. "You know, I always thought you should have been my first."

"Why did you sleep with What's-His-Name last summer, then?"

"Because Jason wasn't speaking to me, and you were going out with What's-Her-Name."

"So it was a revenge thing, huh?"

"Something like that," she said.

He got up then, and sat in the chair across the room. He lit a cigarette. "Dani, you know you're going to have to choose."

"Choose?"

"Between me and Jason. I don't think Jason would be too impressed if he knew what's going on with you and me."

"What do you think about Jason?"

It took him a few minutes to answer. "It's your life," he said finally. "Personally, I don't think he's good enough for you. But I don't really think I'm good enough for you either. I admit, I am jealous of him. But you have to make your own decision, Dani. You can't base your life on what I think."

"I know. Jason's going to propose."

"How do you know?"

"Hints and signs."

He nodded. This made perfect sense, coming from her. "What will you do?"

"What do you think I should do?"

"Whatever you want. I want you to be happy, Dani. I love you."

I want to be with you, she thought, but didn't dare say. "I love you, too, Ben," she said.

When he spoke again, he wouldn't look at her. "You'd better go," he said. "I know your parents. You're an adult, but they'll still be wondering where you are. Let me know what happens with Jason."

"I will," she promised.

He hugged her good-bye, and she left. As she drove back to her parents' house, she burst into tears. How could she choose between him and Jason? On the other hand, what choice was there? She didn't love Jason. She knew that, although Jason hadn't figured it out. She loved Ben more than she would have believed possible. She was sure that Ben knew how she felt. For two years, she had allowed him to kiss and touch her as though they belonged to each other. But during those two years, their involvement had only been during the times that Ben didn't have another girlfriend. Sometimes, Dani hated herself for running to him every time he called, but she still always went. And he had spent the last two years telling her not to fall in love with him, that he wasn't good enough for her, that he would only hurt her. That he could never love her because he couldn't love anyone. She knew this was a lie. Hadn't he just told her that he loved her? But maybe he had only said that in the heat of the moment.

By the time she got home, she knew what she would do. Jason wanted to be with her, to spend the rest of his life with her. He treated her well, bent over backwards to show her how much he loved her. He acted, in fact, exactly the way she had always dreamed of Ben acting. She couldn't wait forever for Ben to admit, to himself and to her, how he really felt about her. So she would marry Jason, if and when he asked. Maybe she could learn to love him the way she loved Ben. At least she wouldn't be alone.

* * * 

Dani and Jason were married six months after he proposed, seven months after her last night with Ben. Thank God, Jason had never found out about that. With Jason's blessing, and despite the protests of his family, Ben was Dani's "person of honor" at the wedding. "That's ridiculous," Jason's mother had said. "The maid of honor is supposed to be the bride's best friend."

"Ben is my best friend," Dani had insisted.

The wedding went well. Ben stood with Dani, and Jason's brother Steve stood with him. Ben's girl-of-the-week was among the guests, although she had never been officially invited. Dani couldn't deny the jealousy she felt when she saw Ben with her.

At the reception, Beth, one of Dani's bridesmaids, took her aside. "I think you really hurt Ben," she said.

"How?"

"By marrying Jason."

"What are you talking about?" Dani asked.

"Ben loves you, Dani," Beth said. "It's killing him to watch you marry another guy."

Dani laughed bitterly. "Get real, Beth," she said. "Ben had more than enough chances to tell me that he loved me. I even asked him if he thought I should marry Jason. He certainly could have said something then. And if it bothers him so much, he didn't have to come to the wedding."

"He only came to the wedding because he knew how much you wanted him here. And he thought you'd be happy with Jason. I don't think you are, though."

Dani would never admit it, but Beth was right. In the last six months, she had come close to breaking the engagement at least that many times. But she had gone through with it, ultimately, because she didn't want to hurt Jason. "I'm fine with Jason," she said. 

"I think you and Ben belong together," Beth persisted. 

"Well, the universe has a fine sense of symmetry," Dani said flippantly. "If Ben and I are meant to be together, then someday we will be. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to dance with my husband."

After a token amount of time, Jason and Dani left for their honeymoon. Dani never forgot the last glimpse she had of Ben, standing apart from the other guests with his head down, looking away as she and Jason were showered with confetti. Dani couldn't be sure, but she thought Ben was crying.

* * *

"So how's it going with Jason?" Ben asked. He sat on the floor, watching Dani's two-month-old daughter try to reach her feet.

"Not well," Dani admitted. "I've been thinking about leaving him. He acts kind of abusive sometimes."

"He doesn't hit you, does he?"

The anger in Ben's voice startled her. "No, he hasn't hit me," she said. "But he swears at me a lot, and sometimes he throws things. He's started yelling and swearing at Anna, too."

"You need to get away, then," Ben said. "She doesn't need to grow up with that shit. And you deserve to be treated better, too."

"I know," Dani said. "But I'm afraid of what he might do."

"Don't be," Ben said. "Guys like him are all talk. Besides, I won't let him hurt you."

Dani smiled. "I know. Thanks."

"So you'll leave? I'm worried about you, Dani. I don't want to find out that you stuck around and he ended up hurting you or the baby. I know your parents will back you up."

"I haven't talked to them about it. You're the first one I've told."

"Well, you'd better do something about that. If you don't tell your parents, I will. Promise me you'll leave."

"I promise," Dani said. She knew she would have to leave now. She never broke the promises she made to Ben.

"Good," Ben said. "Hey, I have some good news."

"What's that?" Dani asked, glad of the change of subject.

"Julie's pregnant."

"Congratulations," Dani said, ignoring the jealousy produced by this announcement. She had Jason and Anna; Ben and his girlfriend had been trying for a baby for a few months now. She should be happy for them. "When's it due?"

"April."

"I'll save some of Anna's stuff for you."

"Thanks. But I think it will be a boy."

"Probably," Dani agreed. "But I'll save stuff anyway."

* * *

On the phone, Ben was crying. Even though he tried to hide it, Dani could tell. "Julie left me," Ben said. 

"I'm so sorry, Ben," Dani said. Good riddance to the bitch, she thought. "What about the baby?"

"She's seeing another guy. She says he wants to adopt the baby."

"How can she do that?" Dani said. "What are you going to do?"

"I won't sign over my rights," Ben replied. "Her parents said they'll make sure I get to see the baby."

"I can't believe she did that to you."

"I can. She told me she only used me to get pregnant. She's been pregnant by two or three other guys, but she's miscarried every time. She wants a baby so bad that she tries to get pregnant by every guy she goes out with. Of course, I didn't know all this when I got involved with her."

"I hate to say it, Ben, but if that's the way she really is, she isn't good enough for you."

"Jason wasn't good enough for you, but you married him," Ben pointed out.

"And I'm not with him now, am I?" Dani countered. "Which goes to show that you were right."

"Yeah, well, don't get any ideas," he said, suddenly sounding annoyed. "I'm not looking for another girlfriend, especially one with a kid."

"Where the hell did that come from?" she demanded. "I didn't say a damn thing about us getting together!"

"I know you still love me," Ben said. "Julie was jealous of you. You're part of why she left me."

"Go to hell. I hope you get to see your kid." She hung up.

* * *

The announcement was in the newspaper on April 14. "Sean Joseph Ryan, born April 3 to Julie Ryan of Portland." Although no father's name was listed, and Dani had never known Julie's last name, she knew this was Ben's child. Joseph was Ben's middle name.

* * *

Anna, age eighteen months, tried to sing along with the radio as Dani tried to negotiate the traffic on I-295. She swerved to avoid a white station wagon coming off the on-ramp, then looked in surprise as the driver of the wagon beeped at her. It was Ben.

She motioned for him to pull over, and did so herself. She hadn't seen or heard from Ben since the night she had hung up on him, and she had missed him. When he got out of his car, he gave her a rib-cracking hug. "It's great to see you!" he exclaimed.

"You too," she said, unable to stop smiling.

"I heard you and Jason got back together. How's it going?"

"All right. He's in anger counseling, and he joined the Young Fathers' program. He still loses it sometimes, but he calms himself down and we talk about it."

"No more swearing and throwing things?"

"No."

"That's great. I'm glad it worked out for you."

They made small talk for a few more minutes, then Dani found a scrap of paper and a pen. She wrote down her phone number and handed it to Ben. "We've moved to a better apartment," she explained. "Give me a call sometime."

"I will," Ben promised.

Anna started screaming then, and Dani opened the car door. "I'd better go," she said. "When you have kids, you'll realize how impossible it is to have a real conversation."

"See you," Ben said.

Dani saw the look of pain on his face, but didn't connect it until later with what she had said. Ben did have a child, one who, since Ben hadn't mentioned him, he probably never saw. Dani wanted to apologize to Ben for saying something so insensitive, but he never called. Dani never saw him again.

Chapter One

"Damn it, Dani, where are the CDs?"

"In the box that says 'entertainment center'."

"Where the hell is that?"

"I didn't move the stuff, Jason. Ask one of your brothers!"

A few minutes later, the CD player blared into life with Dani's favorite Steven Curtis Chapman CD. Jason appeared in the doorway of Anna's room, where Dani was trying to sort out Anna's clothes from those of her baby sister, Melanie. "I'm sorry, honey," Jason said. "I didn't mean to snap. It's been kind of a stressful day."

"It's all right," Dani said, getting up to give him a hug. "It's our first house, and moving's always hard. Just remember, I'm on your side."

"I know," Jason said. He kissed her, then disappeared again in response to a shout from downstairs.

Three-year-old Anna and her cousin Denise raced into the room. "Mommy, is this really just my room?" Anna asked.

"It sure is, Punky," Dani replied.

"Where's Melanie going to sleep?"

"In her new room."

"Me has my own room," Denise said.

"Yeah, but you don't got a baby," Anna said. "Let's go outside and play!"

"Okay!" Denise agreed.

The girls ran off again, to Dani's relief. Anna was a good girl, and so was Denise, but it would be easier to unpack with them out of the way.

* * *

By the next evening, almost everything was unpacked, and the house looked like a home instead of a pile of boxes. Jason's brother Steve and his wife Robin, and Denise, came over for the pizza they had been promised for helping with the move. While the adults were eating and the two little girls were playing with four-month-old Melanie, the phone rang. Dani answered. "Dani, it's Beth," said the voice on the other end.

"Beth, hi," Dani said. "You must have gotten my letter." She had sent letters to all her friends, letting them know her new address and phone number.

"Yes, and I'm glad I did," Beth said. "Dani, I have some really bad news."

"What is it?"

"I don't know how to say this." Her voice was breaking. "Dani, Ben was in an accident last night."

"Oh, no!" Dani said. "Is he going to be all right?"

"No." For a moment, Dani could hear her sobbing. Then Beth said, "Dani, I- Ben didn't- He's gone, Dani. He- he didn't make it."

"Oh, God!" Dani cried. Jason looked up, surprised. His surprise turned to concern when he saw the look on Dani's face, and he went to her. She leaned against him. "I- thank you for letting me know," she said to Beth, trying to keep her voice calm.

"It happened just down the road," Beth said. Dani could tell she was crying. "Howard was off duty last night, but when he heard about the accident on the scanner, he went to see if he could help. It sounded pretty bad. Then he got there, and it was Ben." 

"Oh, Beth, that's horrible!" Dani said sympathetically. Beth had known Ben even longer than Dani had. Dani couldn't imagine what it had been like for Beth, finding out about the accident that way.

"Yeah, well, that's what I get for living with a state trooper," Beth said, trying to make a joke. "Anyway, I'm sorry to have to break the news, but I thought you should know."

"No, no, I'm glad you told me," Dani said. "Is there-" She broke off, not knowing how to finish the question.

"The funeral's going to be tomorrow afternoon," Beth said, answering what Dani hadn't asked. "His stepmother's arranging it. It's at the funeral home on Cottage Street in South Portland."

"I'll be there," Dani promised. "Thanks, Beth."

She hung up the phone and turned to Jason. "Ben's dead," she said, bursting into tears.

"I'm sorry," Jason said. He put his arms around her, but there was a ring of insincerity to his words. He had never accepted that Ben wasn't a threat to their marriage.

"The funeral's tomorrow," Dani said.

"Do you want me to go?"

She could tell from his tone that going to Ben's funeral was the last thing he wanted to do. "You don't have to, but could you stay with the girls so I can go?" she said.

"I'm their father, Dani, not a babysitter. Of course I'll be here. Just remember, I have to leave for work at four."

"I know," Dani said. She couldn't believe that getting to work on time seemed more important to him than the fact that she had lost her oldest friend.

"I'm sorry," Jason repeated.

"Thank you."

* * *

"Mommy, where are you going?" Anna asked the next afternoon.

"Anna, don't bug your mother," Jason said.

"It's all right," Dani told him. She picked Anna up. "Do you remember when we talked about how people die and go to Heaven?"

"And see Jesus," Anna said.

"That's right," Dani agreed. "Well, when someone goes to Heaven, people have something called a funeral. A funeral is when you talk about the person who's gone, and say goodbye to them. A friend of mine has gone to Heaven, and I'm going to his funeral."

"Can I come?"

Dani kissed the little girl and put her down. "No, Sweetie. People get very sad at a funeral. It isn't a good place for a little girl. You'll stay here with Daddy."

"Daddy, can I play in your room?" Anna asked.

"All right," Jason said.

Anna hugged her mother. "I love you, Mommy. Don't be sad. I'm here."

Dani smiled. "I love you, too, Baby," she said. "And I'm very glad you're here."

Anna went upstairs. "Did you really need to tell her all that?" Jason asked.

"What did you want me to do, lie?"

"No, but isn't she too young to hear about dying and funerals and stuff?"

"I don't think so. She obviously isn't too young to ask about it." She gave him a kiss. "I'll be back as soon as I can," she said.

"I love you." 

"I love you too."

Dani was surprised at the number of people at the funeral. She hadn't been in touch with Ben in a year and a half; she hadn't realized that so many people had known him. "Is Julie here?" she asked Beth, whom she was sitting with.

"Of course not," Beth said bitterly. "Julie didn't give a shit about Ben."

Across the room, Dani recognized Ben's stepmother, Phyllis. There was a little boy with her. "Who's that with Phyllis?" Dani whispered to Beth.

Beth looked. "That's Sean," she said. "You didn't know? Ben had custody."

The little boy turned around, and Dani caught her breath. He looked just like Ben. "The poor thing," Dani said. "What's going to happen to him now?"

"I don't know," Beth said. "From what I've heard, no one knows where Julie is, so he won't be living with her. Probably Phyllis will take him, or maybe Julie's parents."

The boy caught Dani looking at him, and smiled shyly. Dani smiled back.

* * *

"So, how'd it go?" Jason asked when Dani got home.

"It was a funeral, for God's sakes!" Dani exploded. "How do you think it went!"

"Well, excuse me," Jason said. "I'm trying to be concerned."

"You didn't sound concerned."

"I'm sorry. Are you all right?"

"No. I just saw one of my best friends buried. But I will be all right. I just hate that it's been so long since Ben and I talked, and now I'll never get another chance to talk to him." Tears came to her eyes.

Jason held his arms out, and Dani went to him. She tried to stop crying. "Let it out, honey," Jason told her. "It's okay. You have a good reason to cry."

Jason just held her and didn't try to talk for a few minutes, for which Dani was grateful. Finally, she was able to stop crying. "Feel better?" Jason asked.

"A little. Where are the girls?"

"Sleeping."

"Melanie usually is around now, but Anna never takes naps anymore."

"Well, she is today."

Thinking about her daughters led Dani to thinking about Ben's son. "I hope he'll be all right," she said, mostly to herself.

"Who will be all right?" Jason asked.

"Oh. Ben's son. The one he had with Julie? Beth says Ben had custody, and no one knows where Julie is."

"I'm sure someone will take care of him," Jason said.

"I'm sure," Dani agreed. I wish I could, she thought.

* * *

The next morning, the phone woke Dani. "Dani, I just saw it in the paper," her mother said to Dani's hello. "Are you all right?"

"As much as I can be, I guess," Dani replied.

"The obituary said his son was living with him," her mother said. "I wonder who'll look after him now?"

"I don't know."

"That poor little boy," her mother continued. "To lose a father like that. And Ben didn't really have any family."

"His stepmother," Dani said.

"What does Jason think? He didn't really like Ben, did he?"

"Not really."


A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 01



"Did you ever tell him about you and Ben?"

"What about me and Ben?"

"Come on, Dani," her mother said. "Your old mother isn't stupid. I knew something was going on between you two."

"Only when he didn't have a girlfriend," Dani said.

"Still."

"No, Jason doesn't know," Dani sighed. "He knows that Ben and I dated a few times, but that's it."

"That's probably best."

Dani tuned out most of the rest of the conversation, which consisted of her mother's memories of Ben. Dani had her own memories, like the first time Ben had admitted he felt more than friendship for her.

He had taken her out to dinner shortly after her eighteenth birthday, "to make up for forgetting your birthday, and to talk about a few things." Dani had been pleasantly surprised by his choice of restaurant: an upscale Chinese place near the Maine Mall. Ben had ordered her meal for her, to forestall Dani's usual refusal to let him spend anything on her. They were in the middle of the first course when Ben had put down his fork, taken Dani's from her, and said, "I need to tell you something important."

"What is it?" Dani asked, somewhat disturbed by his seriousness.

"Dani, we've known each other a long time, and I've really thought about this. I feel like we're more than just friends, and I want to show you that. Dani, I want to make love to you."

"All right," Dani replied softly, not needing to think about it. The idea of making love to Ben just felt right.

That night had begun the on-and-off relationship that had ended for good the night they finally had made love. Remembering now, Dani could still feel Ben's eyes on her as he had waited for her answer, could still feel his hands and lips on her later, when they had gone back to his house. Shivering, she tuned back in to what her mother was saying: "I'm sorry about all this, Dani. I have to go to work now, but call me later if you want to talk."

"All right. Thanks, Mom."

"Who was that?" Jason mumbled after Dani had hung up.

"My mother."

"Why's she calling so early?"

"She was reading the paper and saw Ben's obituary."

"Oh. You getting up now?"

"Yes," Dani said, irritated.

"Wake me in a couple hours." Jason rolled over and went back to sleep.

Dani went into Melanie's room. The baby was already awake. Dani picked her up and went to check on Anna, who had toys strewn around her room. "I was bored," she said.

"That's fine, but now's time to pick up," Dani said. "Then come have breakfast."

"Okay," Anna said.

After Dani had gotten the girls fed and dressed, there was another phone call. "Is this Danielle Sheridan?" asked the unfamiliar voice on the other end.

"Yes."

"My name is Martin Franklin. I am- I was Ben Mills's lawyer. I know this is probably a difficult time for you, Mrs. Sheridan, but it's very important that I meet with you, preferably in the next day or two."

"What about?" Dani asked.

"I'd rather not go into it on the phone," Franklin said. "It's something involving Ben's will. When would you be able to come in?"

"I don't think I can today," Dani said.

"No, I wouldn't expect you to. But it should be before the weekend. Would tomorrow or Friday be better?"

"Either," Dani said. "But if you need to see my husband as well, it will have to be in the morning. I don't work, but Jason works second shift."

"I think what I need to discuss with you is something that your husband should be involved with, too," Franklin said. "Would tomorrow morning at eleven be all right?"

"That would be fine," Dani said. "Where is your office?"

Franklin gave her directions. "I'll see you tomorrow at eleven, then."

"All right. Thank you for calling."

Dani hung up and turned around. Jason was sitting on the bottom step of the staircase, looking like he was still asleep. "Good morning," Dani said.

"Who was it this time?" Jason grumbled.

"Ben's lawyer."

"What did he want?"

"I don't know. All he would say is he has something he needs to discuss with us. He wants to see us tomorrow morning."

"I'd rather not," Jason said. "It probably doesn't really have anything to do with me."

"He said you should be involved," Dani said.

"Dani, I'd really rather not go," Jason said. "I'll stay here with the girls while you go. Right now, I'm going to take my shower." He stumbled back up the stairs.

Dani went back to the dishes she had been trying to wash. What could Ben's lawyer possibly want to talk to her about? She doubted that Ben had left her anything; he couldn't have had much to leave anyone.

* * *

The next morning, a little before eleven, Dani walked into Martin Franklin's office. The secretary took her right inside. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Sheridan, although I wish it were under better circumstances," Franklin said. He shook her hand.

"Likewise," Dani said.

"Please, have a seat. Your husband wasn't able to come?"

Dani sat in the indicated chair. "We couldn't find anyone to watch our children, so Jason decided to stay home with them," she replied. "I have to admit, Mr. Franklin, I'm more than a little curious about what you have to discuss with me."

"I'm sure you are, Mrs. Sheridan." Franklin put on his reading glasses and picked up a paper from his desk. "As you may know, Ben had custody of his son, Sean Joseph Mills."

"Yes. I saw him at the funeral. I was wondering what will happen to him now, since his mother apparently abandoned him."

"That, Mrs. Sheridan, is why you are here."

"I'm sorry?"

Franklin removed his glasses. "Last year, after he gained custody of Sean, Ben had a will made. In it, he named you as guardian of the boy."

"What!" Dani hadn't even spoken to Ben in a year and a half. Why had he chosen her to care for his child?

"I believe this letter will explain."

Franklin handed her a plain envelope. Dani opened it, almost crying when she recognized Ben's handwriting on the letter inside. Carefully, she unfolded the letter and read,

"Dear Dani,

"It's been too long since we've seen each other. Unfortunately, if you're reading this, it's too late. I'm sorry I never called. I was upset by what you said that day, but I know you didn't mean to hurt me.

"You're probably wondering why I want you to have Sean. Dani, I always was in love with you, but I was too stubborn to admit it. And I always thought you should be the one to have my son. I hope things are still going well with you and Jason, and that you're in a position to do this for me. Julie might be Sean's biological mother, but she doesn't seem to want him anymore, and I can't think of anyone who would take better care of him than you. You're probably surprised, and maybe even pissed off at me right now, but I know you'll take Sean, for his sake if not mine. Please don't let him forget me, Dani. And don't you forget me either.

"I love you always,

"Ben"

Dani put the letter down and accepted the tissues that Franklin held out to her. "Where is Sean?" she asked when she had composed herself.

"Ben's stepmother, Phyllis, has been taking care of him," Franklin replied. "She would have liked to keep him with her, but she only has an efficiency apartment. And she didn't want to go against Ben's wishes."

"Are they home now?"

"No. They're in the next room." He smiled at Dani's look of surprise. "I thought you might want to meet him before you made your final decision."

To Dani, there was no decision that needed to be made. If Ben wanted her to raise his son, then that was the way it would be. "I'd like to meet him," she told Franklin.

Franklin opened the door to the next room. Phyllis came in, accompanied by the little boy Dani had seen at the funeral. "Are you Dani?" he asked her.

"Yes, Sweetheart," Dani replied.

"Grammy say, you take care of me," he said.

"That's right."

"My Daddy goed away. You gonna go away?"

"No, Honey," Dani said, fighting back tears. "Not for a long, long time."

She looked at Phyllis then, and saw tears on the woman's face. "I'm sorry," she said.

"Thank you," Phyllis replied. "Ben chose you a long time ago, you know. You should take Sean."

"I'm going to," Dani said.

"Wouldn't you like to discuss it with your husband first?" Franklin asked.

"My husband will go along with what I decide," Dani said. She didn't know if this was true, but she wasn't going to change her mind.

"I thought Sean might stay with you over the weekend," Phyllis said. "Then you can make up your mind for sure."

"I've already made up my mind," Dani assured her. "But that's a good idea. It might make the transition a little easier for Sean, and for you. Why don't you both come for a visit now? Then you and he can meet my husband and our daughters, and you'll know where we live so you can come visit any time."

"I'd like that," Phyllis said. "Thank you."

"Of course," Dani said. "Mr. Franklin, may I use your phone?"

Franklin pushed the phone across the desk to her, and Dani dialed her number. "Hi, Honey," she said when Jason answered. "Could you please pick up the house a little? I've got company coming home with me. I'll explain when we get there."

* * * 

"How could you do this without talking to me?" Jason demanded.

"Keep your voice down," Dani said. "They'll hear you."

"You didn't even bother to check with me!"

She and Jason were in the kitchen; Phyllis and Sean were in the living room with Anna and Melanie. "I tried to get you to go with me to the lawyer's office," Dani reminded Jason. "You weren't interested. So stop yelling at me, because I don't want them to hear us."

"I don't care," said Jason, although he did lower his voice. "Dani, you've never even seen this kid before. We can barely afford to take care of our own kids. And if I'd known this was what the lawyer wanted to see us about, I would have gone. I don't like it that you made this decision without even thinking about me."

"You're right," Dani said. "I should have talked to you. But I already knew what I wanted to do, and all I was thinking was, here's a two-year-old child with no mother or father, who needs someone to take care of him."

"What about his grandmother?"

"She can't take him. She doesn't have enough room."

"And we do? Where will he sleep, for one thing?"

"Jason, it's a three-bedroom house. We'll move Anna and Melanie back in together, and Sean can have Anna's old toddler bed. It's down cellar."

"Anna might not want to move back in with her sister."

"Jason, we're supposed to be the adults here. There are a lot of things to consider in this decision, but Anna's vote isn't really one of them."

"Fine," Jason said. "What about money, then? We just bought this house; we're just getting ourselves on track."

"I'll go back to work," Dani said. "We were thinking about it anyway."

"I thought you liked being home with the girls."

"I do. But with you working second shift now, I could work mornings while you were home. And I could make sure I only work till one or so, so you could have a nap before you had to leave for work, if you wanted."

"You have this all figured out, don't you," Jason said, resigned.

"Yes, I do. Jason, what am I supposed to do? Tell the lawyer to throw the kid in a foster home or something? I think your biggest problem isn't Sean, it's who his father was."

"That's part of it," Jason admitted.

"Jason, I can't believe you. Ben was never a threat to you even when he was alive! He's gone now. Let it go." Dani felt the tears starting again, and this time let them come. "Ben's gone, and he wanted me to raise his son. And that's what I'm going to do, so you can get used to it, or you can-"

"Can what?" Jason demanded when Dani stopped herself. "Can go to hell? Can leave? What about our own kids, Dani? Are you really going to sacrifice them-"

"I'm not sacrificing them!" Dani now had to fight to keep her own voice down. "We can manage, Jason, if we cooperate to do it. I'm not sacrificing the girls. You know I always wanted a big family."

This statement had its desired effect of making Jason laugh. Just like that, the argument was over. "All right, we'll try it," Jason said. "It's really what you want?"

"It really is," Dani said.

"Okay," Jason said. "We'll figure it out, then."

They went back to the living room. Anna was trying to teach Sean some steps from her dance class. "Anna, Sean might not want to learn ballet," Jason said.

"He has to," Anna replied.

"Anna, don't be bossy," Dani said. She sat down on the couch next to Phyllis, who looked questioningly at her. Dani nodded and said, "Sean, can you come here a minute, please?"

Sean warily came over and climbed into Phyllis's lap. "What I do?" he asked.

Dani smiled. "Nothing, Sweetheart. Jason and I want to know if you want to stay here with us, like your Daddy wanted."

"I see Grammy?"

"Of course," Dani said. "We'll visit her every day if you want."

"Is he gonna be my brother?" Anna asked.

"Kind of," Jason said. "But if he stays here, you and Melanie will have to share a room again."

"I don't care," Anna said. "I love having my sister in my room. Will you be my brother, Sean?"

Sean didn't seem to know what to say, which didn't surprise Dani. At only two and a half, he probably didn't understand much of what was going on. "It's all right, Sean," Phyllis said. "Dani and Jason will take good care of you, and I'll see you a lot. If you want, you can sleep over here tomorrow night."

"We can have a sleepover!" Anna said excitedly. "Want to, Sean?"

"Okay," Sean said quietly.

"I'll bring him over tomorrow around six," Phyllis said. "Is that okay?"

"That's great," Dani said. "Thank you."

* * *

The next night, as soon as Phyllis and Sean showed up, Jason went down to the cellar and got the toddler bed that Anna had just stopped using. Refusing Dani's offers of help, he moved Melanie's crib into Anna's room, then set up the toddler bed in the room that had been Melanie's. While he was doing this, Phyllis gave Dani more information about Sean, while Anna showed Sean all her toys and instructed him in their proper uses.

Phyllis stayed for supper, then left. Sean seemed at a loss, so Dani asked Jason to put the baby to bed while she took care of the little boy. "I miss Daddy!" Sean said, bursting into tears, as soon as Jason was out of the room.

Dani picked him up and sat with him on the couch. "I know," she said.

"Where's his Daddy?" Anna asked.

"In heaven," Dani replied.

"With Jesus?"

"Yes."

Anna gave Sean a hug. "It's all right," she told him. "Your Daddy's with Jesus. Jesus will take care of him, and my mommy will take care of you."

"I want my Daddy!" Sean sobbed.

Dani held the little boy, rocking gently back and forth with him, until Jason came back downstairs. "Little Bug's asleep," Jason said. He looked at Sean. "Looks like he is, too."

Dani looked down. Sean had cried himself to sleep. Jason reached out to take the boy, but Dani shook her head and managed to get up without jostling Sean. "I'll take him upstairs," she whispered.

"Can I come too?" Anna asked, mimicking her mother's soft tone.

"You stay here and say your prayers," Jason told her. "Then Mommy will read you a story after she takes care of Sean."

"Okay," Anna said.

As Dani carried Sean up the stairs, she heard Anna begin her prayers: "God bless Mommy, and Daddy, and Melanie, and my new brother. And please take care of his Daddy."

When Anna was finally settled in bed, that Dani realized something. "Aren't you supposed to be working tonight?" she asked Jason.

"I switched with Jimmy," Jason replied. "If this kid is going to be part of our family, I want to spend time with him. Will you be all right getting the three of them to bed when I am working?"

"I'll have to be, won't I," Dani said. "I can give Anna and Melanie their bath together, and Anna gets herself ready for bed anyway. I can read to her and Sean together. It'll work. I didn't used to think I could handle taking care of two of them without help."

"You can't," Jason said, grinning. "So when are you going to go job hunting?"

"Right now," Dani said, picking up the previous Sunday's classifieds.

"Not right now," Jason said, taking the paper away from her. "I hardly get to spend any time with you as it is, and if you're going to work and we're going to have three kids, we'd better make the most of the time we have."

"What do you mean?" Dani asked, teasing.

"Come up to our room with me and find out." He pulled her to her feet and kissed her hard. "I miss you when I'm working, you know."

"I miss you too," Dani said.

"Then let's go show each other how much we miss each other."

In their room, they undressed each other quickly. Between Jason's job and the move, they'd had far too little time to make love lately. They made up for it now, touching and kissing each other until they could no longer stand it, then falling together onto the bed, where they made love until both were too exhausted to continue.

When they were finished, they lay together, half asleep. "Thank you," Dani said.

"For the terrific sex?"

Dani laughed. "It wasn't that terrific," she teased. "Seriously, thank you for agreeing to let Sean stay."

"I'm not an asshole, Dani, even though sometimes you think I am. I wasn't going to put him out on the street. I just wish you'd talked to me first."

"There wasn't really time."

"I know. I forgive you." They were silent for a few minutes, then Dani heard Jason's snores.

Much later, Dani awoke to crying. She and Jason were still nude; she got up and searched without success for her nightgown, then gave up and pulled on the clothes she had been wearing that day. The crying wasn't coming from the girls' room, as she had expected, but from Sean's. "Sean?" she said softly, easing his door open.

There was no answer, other than his crying. As Dani went to the bed, Sean sat bolt upright, screaming, "Daddy! Daddy!"

"Shh. It's all right," Dani said, putting her arms around him. She could see that he wasn't really awake; gently she helped him lie down again. Gradually, the crying stopped as Sean slipped back into deeper sleep. Dani hesitated, then took a blanket from the closet and lay down on the floor by the little bed. For the last several years, she hadn't been there when Ben had needed her. She would be there for his son. 



A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 02



Dani woke the next morning, as usual, at five thirty. Until recently, she had awakened to Melanie's crying for a bottle; Melanie now slept later, but Dani hadn't been able to break the habit of waking. She had found that getting up so early gave her a better chance to get things done around the house without the girls in the way.

She stood and stretched; her back ached from sleeping on the floor. Sean was sitting up in bed, looking at her. "Good morning," Dani said. "How did you sleep?"

"Good," Sean said. "Why you on the floor?"

"I thought I heard you crying last night," Dani replied. "Then I thought you might get lonely, so I slept in here."

"Oh. Can I get up?"

"Sure. Do you remember where the bathroom is?"

"Yeah," Sean said.

He got out of bed and disappeared down the hall. Dani folded her blanket and put it back in the closet, then went back to her room. "Where were you?" Jason mumbled.

"On Sean's floor," Dani said. "He was having nightmares."

"I didn't hear anything."

"You usually don't," Dani pointed out. She stripped off her clothes and put on fresh ones.

"What time is it?" Jason asked.

"Five thirty. Go back to sleep."

"'kay."

Dani kissed him on the cheek and left the room. Jason was snoring again by the time she got to the door.

Sean was standing outside the bathroom, looking confused. "Did you go potty?" Dani asked him.

"Yeah."

"Do you want to get dressed?"

"Okay."

She took him back to his room and picked out an outfit for him. Phyllis had told her that Sean could dress himself, so Dani told him to come downstairs when he was ready, and left him alone. She was doing the dishes when Sean came down. His shirt was on backwards, and his sweatpants were inside out. Dani decided not to say anything. "Who you?" Sean asked her.

"What do you mean?"

"Why you take care of me?"

Dani put down the dishcloth and picked up Sean. "Your Daddy and I were very good friends," she said. "Even though I never got to meet you before, he thought I would want to take care of you for him if anything happened to him."

"Where my mommy?" Sean asked.

Dani hadn't anticipated this. She hadn't realized that Sean even remembered his mother. "I don't know, Sean," she said. "Did your Daddy used to talk about her?"

"Sometime," Sean said. "He say she not come back. Daddy not come back neither."

"I'm afraid that's true, Sweetheart," Dani said. "Your Daddy would never have left if he could help it, but God decided it was time for your Daddy to go to Heaven."

"Tell God give Daddy back," Sean said. "I not done with Daddy yet."

Dani hugged the child and put him down. "God knows that you miss your Daddy," she said. "But once someone's in Heaven, they can't come back to us." She felt uncomfortable discussing this with a child as young as Sean, but she had decided when Anna was born that she would treat her children the way her parents had treated her: if a child was old enough to ask a question, they were old enough for some kind of answer.

"Then I don't like God," Sean said.

"That's okay," Dani said. "God loves you anyway. And so do I."

"I love you, too," said Sean. "Breakfast now?"

"Sure," Dani said, smiling.

She gave him a bowl of cereal, then went upstairs to check on the girls. Anna still seemed to be asleep, but Melanie was lying in her crib having a monologue with her mobile. "I bet you're ready for breakfast," Dani said to the baby as she took her out of the crib.

"Me, too," said Anna, climbing out of bed.

By the time Anna had eaten, and Melanie was fed and dressed, it was after seven. Anna took Sean upstairs to play, and Dani put Melanie in her swing. Then, just as she was restarting the dishes, the phone rang. It was her mother. "How are you doing?" she asked Dani.

"Better," Dani said.

"You know, I keep thinking about that poor little boy," her mother said. "Have you heard how he's doing?"

"He misses his father, but he's only two and a half. He doesn't really understand what's happening."

"And what happens if Ben's stepmother can't take him? Who'll take care of him then?"

"We are."

"That poor little boy must be going through- what do you mean, you are?"

"Ben named me as Sean's guardian," Dani said. "Sean's upstairs right now, playing with Anna."

"What does Jason think about this?"

"He doesn't like that Sean is Ben's son, but he's okay with Sean staying with us."

"Is Sean living there already?"

"Not really. He's spending the weekend with us. Then he'll go back to Phyllis for a little while, while we work out the details. He'll probably be moved in in a week or two."

"Sweetheart, it's just like you to want to take care of this boy. But are you sure it's a good idea?"

"It's what Ben wanted, Mom."

"What about Jason?"

"Jason wants what I want, and I want to keep Sean with us."

"Just don't take advantage of him, Dani. Even Jason has his limits."

"I remember that all too well, Mom. Don't worry, we'll be fine."

"I hope so."

"We will, Mom."

She hung up in time to hear Jason bellowing, "Anna! Quiet down!" She went upstairs and found Anna and Sean in Sean's room, yelling into the closet. "What on earth are you doing?" she asked.

"There's a monster in Sean's closet," Anna said. "We're trying to scare him away."

"Well, Daddy's trying to sleep," Dani said, hiding her smile. "And the poor monster probably is, too. Come play downstairs now. We'll take care of the monster later."

"He's my Daddy, not yours," Anna said to Sean.

Dani took Anna by the arm. "I don't ever want to hear you say such a cruel thing again!" she said. "It's true that your Daddy isn't really Sean's Daddy-"

"My Daddy in Heaven," Sean interrupted.

"That's right," Dani said. "But, Anna, Sean is going to be living with us now. So he's kind of your brother, and Daddy and I are kind of Sean's Mommy and Daddy, too."

"I'm sorry," Anna said. "I'm sorry I was mean, Sean."

"Okay," Sean said. "We go outside?"

When Jason finally got up, he took Anna and Sean to the playground to give Dani a break. They were gone through lunchtime, and brought back a pizza.

Jason left for work at four o'clock, and at five, Dani heated leftover pizza for Sean and Anna's supper. At six, she fed Melanie and put her to bed; at seven, she bathed first Sean, then Anna. She read them a story and tucked each of them in. "Good night, Mommy Dani," Sean murmured as Dani closed his door.

Dani went back downstairs, fixed herself a glass of iced tea, and curled up on the couch. Then, finally alone, she burst into tears, for Sean, for Ben, and for herself. Jason found her there, sleeping with tear-streaked cheeks, when he came home at one a.m.

* * *

On Sunday, they went to church. Dani had called the pastor and told him about the new member of the family; since it was a small church, she was expecting a lot of questions along with the congregation's support. What she wasn't expecting were the four boxes of clothes that the pastor's wife pointed out to her. "Some of those are from Matt and me, and some are from the Emmetts and the Wilsons," the woman said. "They'll be too big for Sean now, but he probably has clothes for now."

"He does," Dani agreed. "This is wonderful, Clara. Thank you so much."

During the service, the pastor said a special prayer for Sean and Ben, and for Dani and Jason for agreeing to take the boy. This angered Dani, to her own surprise; the pastor made it sound like having Sean live with them had been a major sacrifice. She had to remind herself that no one here knew how much Ben had meant to her, and how impossible it would have been for Dani not to take Sean.

After church, they went to visit Jason's parents. Jason had hung up on his mother the day before, after trying to make her understand why he was letting Sean stay with them. "She always thought you were screwing around with Ben," he told Dani on the way to his parents'. "That's why she was so pissed when you had him in the wedding. I tried to tell her she was being ridiculous, but she didn't believe me."

Dani didn't know how to respond at first, since Jason's mother's suspicion hadn't been far from the truth. Finally, she managed to say, "Well, she was just looking out for her little boy."

"Yeah, and look how her little boy treated you and Anna. You'll never know how sorry I still am about that, Dani."

Since Dani had heard this "apology" many times before, she changed the subject. "Are you going to say sorry to your mother for hanging up on her?" 

"If she says she's sorry for calling me an idiot for letting-" He stopped himself, realizing that the children were listening. "For letting you have your way," he finished lamely.

"I don't think that was what she meant," Dani said.

"That's what she said, Dani!"

"Jason, why are we fighting about your fight with your mother?" Dani sensed that Jason was about to lose his temper.

Jason relaxed and smiled at her. "You're right, as usual," he said. "Fine. I'll apologize to her."

When they arrived at Jason's parents', however, his mother had apparently forgotten the argument. "Here are my grandbabies!" she exclaimed, holding her arms open for Anna to run into. After hugging Anna tightly, she took Melanie from Dani. "Aren't you getting big?" she crooned to the baby. Then she looked at Sean. "And this must be the one Jason told me about."

"This is Sean," Dani said. "Sean, this is Mrs. Sheridan, Jason's mother."

"She's my Gramma Susan," Anna said.

To Dani's relief, Susan told Sean, "You can call me Gramma Susan too." Sean had been accepted.

Shortly after they arrived, Jason left to help his brother Tim, who lived next door to their parents, fix his pickup. Jason's father Carl, thrilled at having a little boy around since all of his grandchildren were girls, spent the afternoon roughhousing with Sean. He seemed unaware of Anna's disappointment with this turn of events. "He seems to be doing okay," Susan commented as they watched Carl and Sean through the window.

"He has nightmares," Dani said.

"Dani, why are you taking him in?" Susan asked.

"Where else was he going to go? Ben wanted him to be with us."

"It didn't have anything to do with you and Ben's relationship?"

Dani hated to lie, but in this case, she had no choice. "Ben and I were just friends, Susan. He was like a brother to me. And for some of the time I knew him, I was practically the only family he had. It's logical that he would make me Sean's guardian."

This last, at least, was true. The night Ben turned eighteen, his father, drunk as usual, had thrown him out. With nowhere else to go, Ben had come to Dani and her parents. "Of course you can stay here," Dani's mother had said; her father had agreed. Ben had stayed with them for a month, until he had saved enough money from his three part-time jobs to get a place of his own. He had paid the Phillipses back every penny they had spent on him during that month. The rift between Ben and Dani's parents hadn't come until after Dani was married to Jason. Ben had borrowed five hundred dollars from the Phillipses to pay his college tuition. He had paid back only half the money, and had dropped out of college before the semester ended. From that day, Dani's father had refused to even hear Ben's name. Dani hadn't spoken to her father in the few days since Ben's death; she wondered what he thought about Ben's son living with her.

"We were family," she repeated to Susan.

"I hope Jason didn't agree just because you wanted him to," Susan said.

"Jason's a good person," Dani said, knowing Susan would hear this as praise of her mothering skills. "He doesn't care who Sean's father is. He just knows we have a scared little boy who needs a home."

"I'm sure you're right," Susan said.

Jason finally returned from Tim's with the news that the truck was beyond repair. He, Dani, and the children headed home shortly after; Anna was so angry at being ignored by Grampy Carl that she was disobeying and talking back to the adults, and Dani felt it was best to get her home before she went too far. By the time they got home, all three children were asleep. "What did you and my mother talk about?" Jason asked as he gently took Anna out of the car.

"I can walk!" Anna said indignantly, waking, as she always did, as soon as she was moved. 

"Then walk!" Jason responded. "And when we get inside, you can walk right up to your room for the way you acted at Gramma and Grampy's."

Anna burst into tears, and sobbed her way up the steps to the door. "She wanted to make sure I didn't bully you into letting Sean stay here," Dani said, removing Melanie from her car seat. Sean woke up at the sound of her voice, unbuckled himself, and ran up to stand next to Anna.

"Did you bully me?" Jason asked.

"Did I?"

"A little," Jason said. "But we won't tell my mother. Anna, don't even!"

Anna, who had been about to punch Sean, looked around guiltily. Jason opened the door and carried Anna up to her room, to the accompaniment of her shrieks of protest. "We have a tantrum in progress," he told Dani when he returned.

"As long as she's having it in her room, let her," Dani said.

"She mad at me," Sean said. "I play with her Grampy."

"Grampy Carl told you that he's your Grampy now too," Dani reminded him. "Anna just feels bad because usually Grampy plays with her, but today he was playing with you. Sometimes Anna isn't very good at sharing."

"Me, too," said Sean. "I have snack, Mommy Dani?"

Jason glanced out the window. "Not now," he said. "Your grammy's here."

When Phyllis came in, Sean started to cry. "I wanna stay!" he said.

"Don't you want to come back to Grammy's?" Phyllis asked, looking hurt.

"No! I stay with Anna and Jason and Mommy Dani!"

Phyllis looked at Dani suspiciously. "Mommy Dani?" she repeated.

"Can I talk to you for a minute in private?" Dani said.

She and Phyllis went into the kitchen. "I didn't think he'd act like this," Dani said. "He just started calling me Mommy Dani. I think the first time he said it was just before you got here. I'm sure he really does want to go home with you, it's just-"

"It's just that you're a family, and I'm just an old lady," Phyllis said. She smiled. "Dani, I'm not taking it personally. The fact that Sean doesn't want to leave just shows how good you are with him. I knew you would be, from everything Ben told me about you. You don't need to apologize. It isn't like you're trying to turn him against me."

"Exactly," Dani said. "And I'll tell him-"

Phyllis interrupted again. "It's good that he wants to stay," she said. "And given the circumstances, I think we should let him, if it isn't inconveniencing you."

"Of course it isn't," Dani said. "But are you sure?"

"Very sure. Ben definitely chose the right person to raise Sean. Just let me talk to him for a minute, then I'll have to get going. I'll stop by tomorrow with some more of his things."

"Thank you, Phyllis," Dani said.

"What for? I'm just being a grammy."

Sean literally jumped for joy when he was told that he would be staying with the Sheridans. "Do you think you'll want to come home tomorrow?" Phyllis asked him.

Sean shook his head vehemently. "I home now!" he said. "I stay forever!"

Phyllis smiled. "Okay, bunny," she said. "But Grammy and you will visit each other, right?"

"Yeah. Like with Daddy."

"That's right. Just like you and Daddy used to." She turned to Dani and Jason. "I know you weren't expecting him to move in quite so soon," she began.

"It's fine," Jason said. "We're ready if he is."

"Great," Phyllis said. "I'll bring as much of his clothes and things as I can tomorrow after work. Sean, can Grammy have a kiss goodbye?"

Sean gave her a kiss and a hug. "Bye, Grammy," he said. "I visit real soon."

"I love you, Sean," Phyllis said. She turned to leave, but not before Dani saw the tears in her eyes.

* * *

After the kids were in bed, Dani and Jason, who had traded with another worker and would be working third shift that night, curled up on the couch to watch TV. "I feel so bad for Phyllis," Dani said.

"Because of Sean?" Jason asked.

Dani bit back a sarcastic reply. "Yes, because of Sean," she said. "We don't even know him, but not only does Ben choose us for his guardians, Sean wants to stay here instead of going back to Phyllis's."

"I don't know why Ben wanted you to be Sean's guardian," Jason said. "I can't get inside his mind. As for Sean, I think Phyllis was right. He had a lot of fun with us, and at his age, that's what counts. Besides, Phyllis didn't seem to have a problem with it."

"She was crying when she left, Jason," Dani said.

"Well, she'll miss him. But she didn't seem upset that he's going to stay with us. And didn't you tell me that her apartment's too small for him anyway?"

"Yeah."

They were quiet for a moment. "I can't believe the way Anna acted today," Jason said finally.

"Sibling rivalry," Dani said.

"What?"

"It's just like when Melanie was born," Dani explained. "All of a sudden, there's someone else getting attention. And Anna had just gotten used to having a baby sister. Having Sean here isn't easy for her."

"She told me yesterday she wished Sean could stay here forever," Jason said.

"She probably does. But she also probably wishes he'd go away, just like she did with Melanie. I think we should both try to spend some time one-on-one with her, and with Sean."

"What about Melanie?"

"Melanie's four months old. She needs attention, but as long as she gets her share, she doesn't care who else gets attention. And she's cute enough that she definitely gets her share."

"Yeah. Both our girls are cute. Just like their mother."

"I'm not cute."

"Yes, you are," Jason argued. He blew in her ear. "You have cute ears." He tickled her foot, stopping when Dani kicked him. "You have cute feet." He put his hand on her breast. "And you definitely have cute tits."

"You're perverted," Dani said, laughing.

"With a wife as sexy as you, how can I help it?"

"Sexy?"

"Very." He kissed her. "Want me to prove it?"

"What are you going to do?"

"What do you want me to do?"

"How about-" She whispered in his ear, then ran upstairs, laughing as he chased her.

* * *

After a couple of days, Dani became concerned enough about Sean to call the Center for Grieving Children. After explaining Sean's situation, she was given an appointment with a counselor that afternoon. "He's not old enough to-" Jason began when Dani told him where she was taking Sean.

"Not old enough to know his father's gone? Or not old enough to miss him?" Dani interrupted. "If you really think that, Jason, then you're not as smart as I try to give you credit for."

"But counseling?" Jason said.

"They work with young children, Jason," Dani said. "It isn't like he's going to lie on a couch and pour out all his childhood secrets. It will help him express how he feels about all this. Except when he had that nightmare the other night, I've hardly seen him cry at all. And he doesn't talk well enough yet to know how to say what he's feeling."

"I'm sure you know best," Jason said, in the tone of voice he used when he thought Dani was full of it.

Dani ignored him and went upstairs to get Sean up from his nap. "Where we go?" he asked before his eyes were even open.

"How do you know we're going somewhere?" Dani asked.

"My daddy tell me."

Dani assumed that Sean was making this up; Anna tended to say that she had been told things by imaginary friends, or her toys, or even Melanie, and it made sense that Sean might do the same sort of thing. "We're going to talk to a man named Tom," she told Sean. "He helps kids like you who are missing their mommy or daddy. He's going to talk to you about your daddy, and maybe help us think of some ways to help you miss him a little less."




A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 02



"Don't wanna miss him less!"

"Maybe I didn't say that very well," Dani said. "Don't worry, Honey. No one wants you to forget your daddy. We just know how sad you are, and this man Tom will talk to you about how to show us-" She trailed off, not knowing how to explain this to a two-year-old. "Tom will just talk to you a little," she finished. "And you can tell him about your daddy."

"You be there?" Sean asked.

"Of course."

"Okay. We go now."

They drove into Portland and found the Center. A tall, bearded man met them at the door. "Hi, I'm Tom," he said. "Come in."

He took them into a small playroom. "Sean, there are some crayons and markers on the green table," Tom said. "If you want, you can draw a picture while I talk to Dani for a minute."

Dani was impressed that Tom had known their names, and told him so. "It puts kids a lot more at ease if we know who they are," Tom said. "Adults, too. Why don't you tell me a little more about Sean?"

"The problem is, I don't really know a lot about him," Dani said. "His father was my best friend for several years, but we lost touch a few months before Sean was born. From what I've pieced together, Sean's mother left Ben- Sean's father- for another guy while she was still pregnant with Sean. I don't know what happened with that. I do know that she didn't want Ben to have anything to do with Sean. But she left Sean with her parents a lot, and they let Ben see him. Ben was given custody last year, and last week, he was killed in an accident. I don't understand why, but Ben had named me Sean's guardian."

"I noticed something, Dani," said Tom. "I might be wrong here, but I get the idea that you don't like Sean's mother very much. You didn't use her name once. If there's bad feeling between you and her, it could make things harder for Sean."

"I do have something against her, because of the way she treated Sean and Ben," Dani admitted. "But I never met her. I don't talk about her in front of Sean. I don't know if he even really remembers her, other than hearing Ben talk about her; he was only one and a half when Ben got custody, and he hasn't seen Julie since." She used Julie's name deliberately, just to show that she could do it.

"Was that because Ben wouldn't allow it?"

"No, Julie basically abandoned Sean. Like I said, she had been leaving him with her parents a lot, and once Ben got custody, she decided she didn't want to see him."

"So essentially, he's lost both parents," Tom said.

"You could put it that way, yes."

"Does he see Julie's parents?"

"Not since he's been with us," Dani said. "And they weren't at Ben's funeral, so I would guess that Sean hasn't seen them much in the last year. I don't know anything about them; I wouldn't even be able to get in touch with them."

"Any other family?"

"Ben's stepmother. She and Ben were very close, since he had lost his own mother. Phyllis, Ben's stepmother, took Sean when Ben died, until the lawyer got in touch with me. I think she would have liked to keep Sean with her, but her apartment's too small."

"Thank you," Tom said. "I know some of the questions were hard, but knowing all this helps me know how to help Sean. Let's see what he's drawn."

Dani followed Tom to the small table where Sean was busily scribbling with markers. "That's a great picture, Sean," Tom said. "Can you tell me about it?"

"Uh huh." Sean pointed to a small dot in one corner. "That me," he said. He pointed to a blue swirl at the top of the page. "That Daddy. He in Heaven." A small, black circle in the opposite corner from the dot: "That Mommy. She sick." A bright yellow swirl, close to the dot: "That Mommy Dani. She take care me now."

"Did you say your mommy's sick?" Tom asked.

Sean nodded. "She drink stuff that make her sick. And medicine."

"Medicine that makes her sick?" Tom said.

"Yeah. She go bed. Meme and Pepe take care me. Then Daddy. But Daddy go 'way now. Now Mommy Dani take care me."

"I bet Mommy Dani takes good care of you," said Tom. "Do you miss your Mommy and Daddy?"

"Daddy take good care," Sean said. "God taked my daddy 'way. I mad at God. I want Daddy back!" He dissolved into tears.

Dani started to pick Sean up, but Tom motioned her back. He put one arm around the little boy. "Sean, do you understand that your daddy can't come back?"

"Don't care! I want my daddy!"

"Do you miss your daddy, Sean?"

"Yes!" Sean wailed.

"I bet he misses you, too," Tom said. "You're a very special little boy. I have an idea."

"Don't want no idea!"

Tom smiled. "Sean, would you like to write a letter to your daddy?"

Sean looked at the counselor. "How?" he asked.

"You can tell me what you want to say to your daddy, and I'll write it down for you," Tom said. "Then we'll tie the letter to a balloon and let the balloon go."

"Balloon go in sky?" Sean asked.

"That's right," Tom said.

"Okay," Sean said. "I write." He took a fresh piece of paper, and with the blue marker began scribbling across it. As he "wrote," he said, "Daddy, come back. God don't need you. Sean need you. Come take care me. I miss you. I see you soon when you come back." He gave the paper to Tom. "Where balloon?" he asked.

"Come with me," Tom said. "I'll help you blow up the balloon. Then we can go outside and let it go. We'll be right back," he added to Dani.

Tom was very good with young children, Dani thought as Sean and Tom left the room. She had learned more in the last ten minutes about how Sean was feeling than she had in the five days previous. She was surprised that Sean remembered his mother's drinking and drug abuse, and wondered if Tom had noticed that Sean had never answered the question of whether he missed his mother.

A few minutes later, Sean and Tom returned. "Mommy Dani, the balloon go up and up!" Sean said excitedly. "It go to my daddy!"

"That's wonderful, Sweetheart," Dani said.

"I wanna go up and up, too!"

"Sean, we talked about that," Tom said. "The balloon isn't strong enough to take you up and up."

"I still wanna."

Tom smiled at him. "Why don't you draw a picture of yourself going up and up," he suggested. "I need to talk to Dani again for a minute.

"Okay."

Sean sat down at the table again, and Dani and Tom went back to the other side of the room. "Well, he does remember some things about his mother," Tom said. "Was she a drug addict?"

"Yes, and an alcoholic," Dani said. "That's why she left Sean with her parents, so she could go out and party."

"Apparently she didn't leave him with them often enough, if Sean saw it," Tom said. "He didn't talk about his mother very much. He and his father seem to have had a good bond, though."

"Ben adored Sean," Dani said. "I never saw him as happy as he was the day he told me Julie was pregnant. He wanted to be a father, and knowing him as well as I did, I would say he was a good one."

"Dani, what does your husband think about this situation?"

"He was a little leery at first. He thought it was a little strange that Ben wanted me to be Sean's guardian. But he seems to have gotten used to the idea. He really likes Sean. He always wanted a son, but we have two daughters and I can't have any more children. I think he likes having Sean with us."

"So the two of you will support Sean through this? Just coming in here today, drawing a couple pictures and sending up a balloon, isn't going to help him as much as he needs."

"I agree," Dani said. "Should I bring him back?"

"I think so," Tom said. "Let's go out to the reception desk and take a look at the schedule. But even more appointments here won't help Sean if he doesn't have support at home. Sean, can you please put the markers away? It's time to go now, but you can come see me another time."

Sean put the markers back in their case and brought his picture over to Dani. "It me going up and up," he said. "You, too."

"I'm going up and up, too?" Dani asked.

"Uh huh. We go see Daddy in Heaven. Daddy miss me. He miss you, too. He tell me."

Tom looked at Dani, confused. Dani shrugged; she wasn't sure what Sean meant either. "It's a beautiful picture, Sean," she said. "Thank you for putting me in it."

"Welcome."

When they got home, Jason was lying on the couch. "So, is he crazy or what?" he said, after Dani had sent Sean upstairs to play.

"No, he isn't crazy!" Dani said angrily. "Nobody ever said he was! What he is, is a little boy who misses his Daddy and needs help talking about it. He's going back next week."

"I'm sorry," Jason said. "I didn't mean to make you mad. I was trying to be funny. So they did help him there?"

"Yeah." She told him about Sean sending up the balloon. She decided not to tell him about the second picture Sean had drawn. "It really seemed to make him feel better."

"That's good," Jason said. "I'm getting used to having the little guy around. I'm glad someone can help him."

"So am I," said Dani.



A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 03



"Mommy, is it Halloween?" Anna asked.

Startled, Dani looked at the calendar. It was October twenty-eighth. With everything that had happened lately, she had forgotten about Halloween. "Almost, Babe," she told Anna. "Three more days."

"What I'm gonna be?" Anna asked.

"And me?" said Sean.

Dani sighed and put down the basket of dirty clothes she was carrying. Another day of undone housework. "I guess we'll have to go costume hunting today," she said.

"Yay!" Sean and Anna shouted.

Dani called her mother at work. The rental company that her mother worked for also ran a party goods store, and the Sheridans usually bought party and holiday supplied there so they could use Dani's mother's employee discount. "Sure," Dani's mother said when Dani asked her about buying Halloween costumes for the kids. "Just make sure they bill it to me."

"What about Sean's?"

"His, too. Sean's my grandson now."

"Too bad Dad doesn't see it that way." Dani, Jason, and the kids had gone to her parents' house a few days before. While they were there, Dani's father had completely ignored Sean. When Dani had confronted him about it, her father's only explanation had been, "It's typical for Ben to freeload off you again." Then he had gone for a drive. He still hadn't been back when the Sheridans had left two hours later.

"Don't worry about your father," her mother said. "He'll come around."

"I hope so," Dani said.

Jason was still sleeping; he had worked overtime and hadn't gotten home until four o'clock that morning. Dani managed to persuade Sean and Anna to be reasonably quiet while they got ready to leave, then loaded the kids into the car. "We're going to need a minivan," she muttered as she leaned across Anna to fasten Melanie into her car seat.

"I like minivans," Anna said.

"I don't," said Sean.

"Who asked you?" Anna said.

Dani unbuckled Anna and took her out of the car. "Do you want to go get a costume?" she asked sternly.

"Yes," Anna whined.

"Then you apologize to Sean. Honestly, Anna, I realize it isn't easy to suddenly have a new brother, but you are being just plain mean to him, and I'm getting tired of it."

"Sorry, Mommy." Anna climbed back into her car seat. "Sorry, Sean."

"Okay," Sean said.

He and Anna made toddler jokes all the way to the store. "That car's ugly," Anna said. "It's pee color."

"It poop color," Sean replied.

"It's caca color," Anna said, laughing.

Dani put a stop to it when Sean said, "It shit color." 

"Sean, we don't use words like that," Dani said.

"Jason does," Sean said.

"Jason doesn't know any better," Dani said, silently cursing her husband. She had been trying since before Anna was born to get him to stop swearing, at least in front of children. Obviously he still wasn't getting it. 

"My daddy say it," Sean said.

Dani couldn't let herself say anything judgmental about Ben to Sean. "Well, some grownups do say things like that," she said, choosing her words carefully. "And grownups can decide what they want to say. But people don't like to hear little kids using words like that. So could you please try not to say it again till you're grown up?"

"I try," Sean promised.

When they got to the store, Dani had to decide how to juggle the three kids. It was the first time she had taken all three of them somewhere by herself. Melanie's carriage was in the trunk of the car, but pushing the carriage would mean that Dani wouldn't be able to hold hands with Anna or Sean. Finally she decided, even though the baby was a little too big for it, to put Melanie in her Snugli, which was also in the trunk, leaving Dani's hands free for the two other kids. As it turned out, this wasn't totally necessary, since Anna and Sean insisted on holding hands with each other.

They spent over an hour looking at the selection of costumes, which was slim only three days before Halloween. Finally, they found a clown costume for Anna. When he saw that Anna was going to be a clown, Sean wanted to be one too, and Dani managed to find a similar costume in his size. Even though she hadn't been planning to, Dani also bought a costume for Melanie: an M&M. "She'll be so cute," Anna said.

"So will you and Sean," Dani said.

"Yeah, but we're not M&M babies," Anna said.

"We clown monsters!" Sean said.

"Clown monsters?" Dani repeated.

"Well, we look like clowns, but we're really monsters," Anna said. "Right, Sean?"

"Right, Anna," Sean agreed.

Dani arranged for the costumes to be billed to her mother, then took the kids home. On the way, she swung through a fast-food drive-through, since it was almost time for lunch. When they got home, Jason was still asleep. "Can I wake up Daddy?" Anna asked.

Dani looked at the clock. Twelve-fifteen. "Go ahead," she told Anna. "Just duck if he throws his pillow like last time."

Anna giggled. "Okay. Want to help me, Sean?"

"No," Sean said. "I want lunch."

Anna ran upstairs, and Sean sat at the kitchen table. He was quiet, and it worried Dani. Tom had told her to make sure that Sean knew it was okay to talk about his feelings, but not to try to force him to talk. What concerned Dani wasn't so much Sean's reaction to Ben's death; from what she had been told and had read, he was acting perfectly normal in that respect. 

The problem was that, although Sean obviously adored Anna and liked to "help" with Melanie, and although he now regularly called Dani "Mommy Dani" or even just "Mommy," he didn't seem to like Jason. Jason, showing unusual insight, didn't try to act like a father to Sean, or even an authority figure, leaving that job to Dani. Instead, Jason made time to take walks with Sean, or play games with him, or any one of several things that a father could do with his son but that friends could do also. Sean would have none of it. He spent time with Jason willingly enough, but when it was over, he invariably climbed onto Dani's lap and snuggled into her, saying, "I love you, Mommy Dani." Dani hated seeing the hurt in Jason's eyes when Sean rejected him this way, but she didn't know what to do about it.

On Halloween night, Jason and Dani took the kids trick-or-treating near Dani's parents' house. Jason had arranged to have the night off so he could be part of the fun. He carried Melanie the M&M, while Dani took Sean and Anna to the houses for candy. The two children kept a running debate over who was getting more candy, until Sean hit Anna over the head with his plastic pumpkin. "Hey, that's enough of that!" said Jason, taking Sean by the arm.

"Shut up!" Sean screamed at him, startling everyone. "You not my daddy! I hate you! Shut up!"

"Sean, stop it!" Dani said, picking him up. He continued to scream. "Can you finish up with the girls?" Dani asked Jason, struggling to hold onto the flailing Sean. "I'd better get him inside."

"Sure," Jason said. "Come on, Anna."

Dani carried Sean back to her parents' house. By the time they got there, he had tired himself out with his tantrum, and Dani laid him on the guest room bed to sleep until Jason and the girls returned. "What happened?" her mother asked.

"I'm not really sure," Dani admitted. "Sean and Anna got into a fight, and when Jason tried to break it up, Sean started screaming at him. He was totally out of control."

"Is he all right?"

"He's sleeping."

"I meant Jason."

"I don't know," Dani said. "I think he was really hurt. Sean told him that he hates him."

"Little kids sometimes say that when they're being punished," her mother said.

"I know. Anna's said it to me. But Sean keeps rejecting Jason, and this just kind of summed up the whole situation. Sean said Jason should shut up because he isn't Sean's father."

"Poor Jason."

"Poor Sean," Dani said.

"Dani, I know you feel bad for Sean," her mother said. "You wouldn't be human if you didn't. But don't put Jason's feelings aside."

"I'm not."

When Jason and the girls got back, Anna had to show Grammy Lynn all the candy she had gotten. Then Dani and Jason loaded the kids in the car and headed home.

Once the kids were in bed, Dani said, "Jason, I'm really sorry about-"

"I don't think this is going to work out, Dani," Jason interrupted.

"How can you-"

"Just listen to me, damn it! I can't spend the rest of my life with a kid who hates me!"

"Jason, he's two and a half! He doesn't even know what hate means!"

"Well, he sure as hell sounded like he does. And how do you think I feel seeing him every day?"

"What are you talking about?"

"He looks just like his father, doesn't he? And even if you didn't fuck Ben, I know you wanted to. For all I know, you did when you left me."

"The way you were treating me before I left, the last thing I wanted was to be around another guy!" Dani said angrily. 

"You promise me a son, and when we finally have one, he's your ex-lover's!"

"I promised you a son?" Dani repeated. "Excuse me? We have two beautiful daughters, and I had no more control than you over what gender they are. You always tell me how happy you are to have them, Jason. Is that bullshit?"

"I love our girls. But I wanted a son."

"Sean-"

"Sean isn't our son, Goddamn it! He is Ben's son! What the fuck do you think that little screaming fit of his was all about! He calls you Mommy, he calls me Jason. What the hell do you think that means, Dani?"

"I don't know!" Dani yelled, finally losing her temper. "You can't deal with him, fine. You can be the one to explain to a two-year-old why he has to live in a cardboard box in the middle of the street!"

She snatched her pillow off the bed. "Where the hell are you going?" Jason demanded.

"Downstairs on the couch. Right now, I don't even want to be in the same room as you."

"Fine. Here's a blanket." He threw the blanket into the hall, and locked the bedroom door behind her as she stormed downstairs.

* * *

Dani couldn't sleep. The couch was too narrow to allow her to toss and turn, so instead she stared at the ceiling. The strangest phrase kept repeating itself in her mind: "Should have been, should have Ben. Should have been, should have Ben."

Then she was aware that Ben was sitting beside her. She knew she was dreaming, but reached out to touch him. "How are you?" he asked, taking her hand.

"Well, I'm finally asleep," she said.

"Are you sure?"

"Ben, I know messing with my mind always entertained you, but I'm too tired right now."

Ben laughed. "I'm sorry you and Jason had that fight," he said.

"I'm not."

"You will be. So will he. Sean needs both of you."

"Sean needs you," Dani said.

"I know. I wish to God I could be there. But you know everything happens for a reason, Dani. The universe has a sense of symmetry."

"I miss you."

"I miss you, too," he said. "I have too much time to think now."

"About what?"

"About what should have been."

The phrase began again in Dani's mind: "Should have been, should have Ben." Over it, as she realized that she was about to wake up, she heard Ben say, "Take care of Sean, Dani. Don't let his mother hurt him again. I love you."

I love you, too, she started to say, but then she was awake. Someone was crying upstairs. She started up, but stopped when she heard Jason's voice coming from Sean's room. "It's all right," Jason was saying softly. "It's all right. Just a dream. I won't let anyone hurt you. It's all right." Over and over, the same gentle litany he used when Anna had bad dreams. Dani smiled and went back downstairs to get her pillows.

* * *

When she woke up the next morning, Jason was already awake. "I'm sorry," they said at the same time. They laughed. "I really am sorry," Jason said. "I had no right to say some of the things I said last night. I was just so upset that Sean won't let me be his father...."

"Jason, I think he doesn't want you to be his father because he doesn't want to lose you the way he lost Ben," Dani said. "Ben was his father, and Ben died. Little kids' minds work in strange ways. It could be that Sean's afraid that anyone he calls 'Daddy' is going to die."

"But his mother left him, and he calls you Mommy," Jason said.

"He doesn't remember his mother very well," Dani pointed out. "And there's a big difference between leaving and dying. Anyway, I said some things last night that I shouldn't have, too."

"Let's pretend it didn't happen," Jason suggested.

"Let's not," Dani said. "But let's forgive each other."

"All right. So now that we've forgiven each other, can we kiss and make up?"

Dani laughed, but before she could answer, they heard Melanie babbling in her crib. They knew from experience that this meant it was only a matter of time before Anna woke up. Jason groaned. "The short ones strike again," he said.

"We'll put them down for an early nap this afternoon," Dani said. "We'll make up then."

"I thought Anna didn't nap."

"So we'll close the door."

Sure enough, Anna and Melanie were both awake when Dani went in. She carried Melanie into the hall and found Sean standing at the door to his room. "Where Jason?" he asked.

"In the kitchen," Dani replied.

Sean went to the kitchen, followed by Dani and Anna. "I sorry I yell, Jason," Sean said.

"It's all right," Jason said.

Sean hugged him. "You a good Jason," he said.

"You're a good Jason," Anna echoed.

"Anna," Dani said reprovingly, "you don't call your father Jason. You call him Daddy."

"Then how come Sean calls him Jason?"

"My daddy in Heaven," Sean said. "This not my daddy. He my Jason."

Jason looked away for a second, trying to get something out of his eye. Dani was pretty sure the something was a tear.

* * *

After church, they drove to New Hampshire to visit Steve, Robin, and Denise. Robin had offered to go shopping with Dani and the kids, since both girls were outgrowing their clothes. Dani also wanted to get a few things for Sean. "We'll have to take two cars," Dani said.

"No, you won't," Jason said. He took Melanie's car seat out of the back seat of the car and buckled it into the center of the front seat. "You keep forgetting, this car has six seatbelts," he said.

"I don't forget," Dani said. "I just don't like having kids ride in the front seat."

"We're just going into Somersworth," Robin said. "Melanie will be fine. And it makes more sense than taking two cars."

"Besides, your husband said he'd go with me to look for a second car," Steve said. "If you take your car and Robin takes ours, how are we supposed to do that?"

"Walk?" Robin said.

"Hitchhike," Dani suggested at the same time. She and Robin laughed.

"Women," Jason said.

"Can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em," Steve agreed.

"Don't you mean, can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em?" Robin asked.

"I mean what I said."

"Come on," Dani said. "Let's leave these two to be pigs."

"Yes, please do," Steve said.

Robin helped Dani fasten everyone into the car, and they headed to their favorite secondhand store in Somersworth. Anna, Sean, and Denise spent the ride singing Barney songs. "Why do we let them watch that show?" Dani said.

"I don't know," Robin said. "So we can get our housework done?"

"I guess," Dani said. "So how come Steve finally gave in about getting another car?"

"We decided if we aren't going to have another baby right now, I should go to work so we can save for a house. We actually have some saved now, but Steve wants to put down as much as we can so we'll have a smaller mortgage. And if I'm going to work, we'll need two cars."

"Who's going to watch Denise?"

"Our neighbor, Janey. I've watched her kids for her the last couple weeks. She's going on second shift, so she'll be able to watch Denise while I work, and I'll watch her kids while she works."

"Sounds like a deal," Dani said.

"Sounds like a deal," Anna echoed.

"Sounds like a deal," Denise said, copying Anna.

"Sounds like we've got a carload of copycats," Dani said.

"It not nice to copy," Sean said.

"That's why I do it," Anna informed him.

Robin laughed, and Dani rolled her eyes. "I think I should talk to Jason about not teaching Anna to have an attitude," Dani said.

They got to the store and got the kids out of the car. Dani put Melanie in her carriage, and instructed Anna to hold onto the side of the carriage as they crossed the parking lot. Robin held Denise and Sean's hands.

While Dani and Robin looked at clothes, Sean, Denise, and Anna entertained themselves in the store's play area. "What an adorable bunch of kids," said an older woman who was looking at baby clothes nearby.

"Thank you," Dani and Robin said.

"Now, who belongs to who?" the woman asked.

Robin and Dani hated questions like this, but they answered anyway. "The blond and the baby are mine," Dani said.

"And the curlytop is mine," Robin added. 

"What about the little boy?" the woman asked. "He is with you, isn't he?"

Robin and Dani looked at each other. "He's, um, he's my nephew," Dani said. "He's staying with me."

"Oh, that's nice."

She seemed about to ask more questions, so Dani and Robin excused themselves and went to the boys' clothing section. "What a nosy old bird!" Robin whispered to Dani.

"I know." Dani sighed.

"What's wrong?"

"We get asked that question so often, and I didn't even think about Sean when I answered. I feel bad leaving him out, but I don't know what to tell people. He isn't my son."

"Just tell them he's yours, and don't worry about what his relationship to you is," Robin advised. "He might not be your son biologically, or even legally, but he is in your heart, and that' what counts."

"You're right," Dani said. But it didn't quite feel right. She wanted to do something to give Sean an identity in their family, but she didn't know what.

* * *

She found out the next day what she could do. Shortly before noon, Martin Franklin called. "How's it going with Sean?" he asked.

"As well as you might expect," Dani replied. "There've been some rough spots, but we're getting through it."

"How are your daughters getting along with him?"

"Well, Melanie's only four months old. Anna started calling Sean her brother the day he came home, and they get along about as well as any brother and sister."

"Is he seeing Phyllis?"

"Not as often as I'd hoped," Dani admitted. "I gather she works a lot, and Jason has a huge family who all want to meet Sean, so we haven't had a lot of time to spend with Phyllis. But we've seen her a few times. She's coming for dinner tomorrow night, as a matter of fact."

"That's good," Franklin said. "It's important that he keep ties with his biological family."

"What about his mother's parents?" Dani asked, immediately wishing she hadn't. "Did he see them before Ben died?"

"I believe Ben took him to visit them a few times. I've tried to contact them to let them know that Sean is with you, but I've gotten no response. I'm sure they must have heard about Ben's death by now, but if they don't seem interested in knowing where Sean is, it's their problem, not yours."

"Aren't you supposed to be job hunting?" Jason asked, entering the kitchen and seeing Dani on the phone.

"It's Ben's lawyer," Dani replied.

"I'm sorry?" said Franklin.

"My husband was asking who I'm talking to," Dani explained. "So what can I do for you, Mr. Franklin?"

"I wanted to set a time for you and Jason to come to my office and sign the guardianship papers," Franklin replied. "If you're sure you want to keep Sean, that is."

Dani looked questioningly at Jason. "What?" Jason asked.

"Mr. Franklin wants to know if we're going to sign the papers for guardianship."

"Of course we are," Jason said, surprised, as though there had never been a question. "When?"

"When can we go?"

"Today, if you want."

Dani consulted with Franklin, who told her to be at his office at three thirty. After she hung up the phone, Dani put her arms around Jason. "Have I mentioned how much I love you?" she said.




A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 03



"Not lately."

"How about I stay up till you get home tonight, and I'll show you."

He kissed her. "Mmm. If this is the reward I get, let's take in a bunch of kids."

Dani laughed. "Jason, are you really sure about this?" she asked.

"About fucking you when I get home?"

"No, dear. About signing those papers."

"Very sure," Jason said. "I want you to be happy, Dani. I love you."

Dani hugged him, then went upstairs and shut herself in the bathroom. Jason wouldn't have understood why she was crying; couldn't know that he was echoing Ben's words from so long ago, the night Dani had chosen between them. Even now, even with Jason showing what a good person he could be, with everything that had happened Dani still wasn't sure she had made the right choice. But it was far too late to change things.

"I love you, Dani," Ben said inside her head. "Take care of my son."

Dani went back downstairs. "Let's take the kids out to lunch," she suggested to Jason.

"Okay," he said. "What made you think of that?"

She shrugged. "To celebrate signing the papers, I guess," she said. To make me stop thinking about Ben, she thought.

* * *

"He's doing pretty well," Phyllis commented the next night after dinner. She and Dani were in the living room, drinking coffee and watching Anna and Sean play. Jason was working.

"We've had a few problems, but nothing too serious," Dani agreed.

"Your little girl seems to like him."

"She calls him her brother."

"How's your husband coping?"

"All right. I think he still has trouble with Sean being Ben's son, but he doesn't say much about it."

"You know, Ben talked to me about you sometimes," Phyllis said, shifting herself to be more comfortable.

"I think it was good for him that you and he kept in touch after you left his father," Dani said, hoping to change the subject.

"I would have taken Ben with me if I could have," Phyllis said. "His father used to beat on both of us. But Ben was getting old enough to fight back, or at least to get out of the house for a while when his father got like that, and I knew the courts wouldn't let me have him. I should have tried, though. Maybe Ben wouldn't have ended up like he did."

"What do you mean?" Dani asked.

"He was into drugs in high school...."

"I knew about that," Dani said. "He used them in front of me a few times, until I told him if he was going to destroy himself, he could at least wait till I was out of the room."

"He told me you said that," Phyllis said. "He did stop using, not long after his dad kicked him out. Then it was alcohol. He started drinking a lot after you got married. Then when he met Julie, she seemed to calm him down, but when she left him, it got worse, and he started with the drugs again. After the last time he saw you, he went into rehab. That was how he was able to get custody of Sean after Julie decided she didn't want him. He said it was because of you."

"I doubt I had anything to do with it," Dani said.

"Actually, you had a lot to do with it. He told me you said something about when he had kids, and he realized the only chance he'd have to have his son around was if he cleaned himself up. And he thought that was the only way he'd have another chance with you, too." She smiled at the shock on Dani's face. "He was in love with you, Dani," she said. "Every time I saw him, you were practically all he talked about. He thought about leaving Julie to be with you when you were having trouble with Jason, but then he found out Julie was pregnant, and he couldn't desert her."

"Jason and I were still separated when Julie left Ben," Dani said. "When he told me that she left, and I tried to be sympathetic, he started spouting off about how he didn't need another girlfriend."

"I think he was afraid you wouldn't want him," Phyllis said.

"Phyllis, I fell in love with Ben when I first met him, and I never stopped loving him," Dani admitted. "I married Jason because I knew Jason loved me, and Ben kept saying he didn't. If Ben had tried to get together with me when Jason and I were separated, I would have."

"He didn't think you should have gone back to Jason," Phyllis said. "After he met up with you that day on the highway, he said that when you talked about Jason, you still seemed scared. He wanted to try to talk you into divorcing Jason, and once you'd gotten through that-"

"I think I hear Melanie," Dani interrupted. She was about to cry. "I'll be right back."

She went upstairs. Melanie, naturally, was sound asleep, but Dani needed time to absorb what she had just been told. Ben had wanted to take her away from Jason?

"You know, you shouldn't have married Jason," Ben had said.

It was about three months after Dani and Jason's wedding. Ben had hinted before that he was jealous of Jason, but this was the first time he had said anything directly. "I wanted to get married," Dani said. "I was stupid. I thought Jason was my last chance." Although she hadn't said anything then, the abuse that would cause her to leave Jason had already begun.

"You're right," Ben said. "You were stupid."

"Gee, thanks. So who do you think I should have married?"

"Me."

Dani tried to hide her surprise, but given how well Ben knew her, she didn't think she succeeded. "You didn't ask," she finally managed to say.

"You could have asked me. I would have said yes."

Yet when he had had the chance to be with her, he had rejected her before she'd even made an offer. And now he was dead, and here was another might-have-been. What would have happened if Ben hadn't died? Would he have contacted her, resumed their friendship? Resumed their past relationship, asked her to leave Jason? Dani went into the bathroom, splashed cold water on her face, and closed her eyes. She couldn't think about this anymore. The fact was, the past was the past. Jason had changed, had shown his true self by agreeing to take Sean in. His abusiveness was in the past. So was Ben. The present was Jason and their children. And Ben's son.

When she got back downstairs, Phyllis was trying to teach Anna how to write her name on the Magnadoodle that Anna had gotten for her birthday. "Baby all right?" Phyllis asked.

"Fine," Dani said, sitting down on the couch. "It wasn't her. I must have been hearing things."

"Or remembering things," Phyllis said with a piercing look. Dani looked away. "Anna, that isn't how you make an A," Phyllis said.

"Yes, it is," Anna replied. "It's how I make it."

"Anna, don't be rude," Dani said automatically. "Phyllis is trying to teach you something."

"Sorry, Phyllis," Anna said, sulking.

"Be nice to my grammy," Sean said.

"If my grammy is Sean's grammy now, are you my grammy now?" Anna asked Phyllis.

"I don't know," Phyllis said. "I guess I can be, if you want." I almost was, her look said to Dani.

* * *

"How'd dinner go?" Jason asked the next morning. "Was Sean happy to see his grammy?"

"Thrilled," Dani said. "And Phyllis was glad to hear that we signed the papers."

"Did you talk about anything else?"

"Ben," Dani admitted, knowing that Jason was expecting this answer. 

"What about Ben?"

"Just what he'd been doing since last time I talked to him. His job, how he got custody of Sean, stuff like that."

"I'm surprised you and he didn't get together when you and I were split up."

"I told you the other night, he was with Julie then," Dani said impatiently.

"You told me back then that Julie left him a few weeks before you and I got back together."

"Well, I also told you, back then and the other night, that after what you did to me, I wouldn't have wanted another guy. And the way Julie screwed him over, Ben probably didn't want another girlfriend at that point, either."

"At least I got help," Jason said.

"Yes, you did," Dani agreed. They had had this conversation too many times. "And you apologized," she added quickly, before Jason could say it. "And I took you back, and we lived happily ever after."

"Where's the attitude coming from?" Jason asked.

"I'm sorry," Dani said. "I didn't sleep very well last night. Phyllis and I had coffee after dinner."

"Should have known better," Jason said. He kissed her. "I'm going to go take my shower. Then maybe we can take the kids to the mall or something."

"I'll think about it," Dani said.

Jason went upstairs, and Dani went back to the laundry she had been folding. It was ironic to think that Ben was the reason she had finally left Jason three years ago, although Ben probably wouldn't have wanted it to happen the way it did.

The night that Dani told Ben she was thinking about leaving Jason, she invited him to stay for supper. Since Julie had gone to her parents' to tell them about the baby, Ben agreed. Jason came home from work in a bad mood, and wasn't pleased to find Ben there. He managed to be civil through the meal, but then Ben kissed Dani on the cheek as he was leaving. That set Jason off. "How long have you been fucking him?" he demanded as soon as the door closed behind Ben.

"What are you talking about?" Dani was frightened. She could tell that Jason's temper was out of control.

"If you aren't fucking him, why's he kissing you?"

"Jason, it was a kiss on the cheek. You kiss your cousin Emma on the cheek."

"You aren't related to Ben."

"I might as well be. He's like a brother to me."

"He is, huh?"

"Yes, he is."

Dani thought Jason had calmed down, until a couple hours later when they were going to bed. Jason pushed her onto the bed and yanked her nightgown up. "Jason, what are you doing?" Dani asked. This couldn't be happening.

"You haven't let me fuck you since Anna was born. Is something wrong with me? Or are you just getting it somewhere else?"

"Jason, I had a c-section! It still hurts! I haven't been with anyone else, before or since Anna was born."

"You're my wife, Dani." He pulled off her panties and positioned himself on top of her.

"Jason, please don't do this!"

"Go to hell! You're my wife! Why do you think I married you? If you aren't fucking Ben, you'd best prove it to me now!"

Dani fought him every second of the rape, drawing blood from several spots. When Jason was finished, he rolled off her and went right to sleep. Dani, in tears, got up and went to Anna's room. The baby was still asleep, despite the noise that had come from her parents' room. Dani packed up the diaper bag and then, not daring to go back to her room for a change of clothes, took Anna and, in her nightgown, drove to her parents' house. On the drive, the only clear thought Dani had was that she should have chosen Ben.

"Mommy, can we have a snack?" Anna asked, mercifully interrupting Dani's train of thought.

"I think Daddy's planning on us going out to lunch," Dani said.

"We hungry now!" Sean protested.

"All right," Dani said, giving in. "You can each have one package of fruit snacks."

"Melanie's hungry, too," Anna said. The baby was fussing in her swing.

"I think she's a little too young for fruit snacks," Dani said.

"No, she isn't," Anna said. "You want fruit snacks, don't you, Melly?"

"I think she'd rather have a bottle," Dani said. "I'll get her one as soon as I finish with this laundry. You two go ahead and get your fruit snacks."

When Jason was out of the shower and Melanie had finished her bottle, they went out to the Mall. They had lunch first, then took the kids to the pet store. They were almost there when Sean suddenly broke away from them, shouting, "Meme! Pepe!"

"I'll get him," Jason said, running after the boy.

When Dani and the girls caught up to Jason and Sean, they were talking to an older couple. The man was holding Sean, who was grinning from ear to ear. "My wife, Dani," Jason said when he saw Dani. "And our daughters, Anna and Melanie."

"Nice to meet you," the woman said, shaking Dani's hand. "I'm Rebecca Perry, and this is my husband, Pete."

"Julie's parents," Jason added, unnecessarily.

* * *

Julie's parents took them to dinner that night. They had been on vacation, they said; they hadn't received any of the messages about Ben's accident. No, they didn't know where Julie was; she wrote to them once in a while, but never used a return address. "She was only nineteen when she got pregnant," Rebecca explained. "It was overwhelming for her."

"She wanted to party," Pete said. "It's hard to party with an infant along. She usually left him with us for a day or a weekend."

"Ben was almost always around, though," Rebecca said. "I didn't expect it of him, but he was a good father. That's why we went along with it when he sued Julie for custody. She wasn't taking care of Sean most of the time anyway."

"Did you get to see Sean often?" Dani asked.

"Not as much as we wanted to," Rebecca said. "We live up in Greenville. It's too long a trip for us or Ben to have made that often. Once or twice a month, we'd meet in Bangor to spend the day together, and Ben did make the trip to our house a couple of times."

"With our two, I don't think we could make that trip very often either," Jason said. "But we would like you to be able to see Sean. Wouldn't we, Dani?"

Dani didn't want to answer. In the back of her mind, she still remembered the dream she had had on Halloween: "Take care of my son, Dani. Don't let his mother hurt him again." Even though Pete and Rebecca denied knowing where Julie was, Dani didn't believe them. They had to know something, and Dani had a feeling that if she and Jason let Pete and Rebecca into their lives, it would only be a matter of time before they lost Sean. "Dani?" Jason repeated.

"Oh, sorry," Dani said. "I was zoning, I guess. Of course we'd want you to see Sean."

"Sean, would you like Meme and Pepe to visit you sometimes?" Rebecca asked.

"Yeah!" Sean said.

"Mommy, are they my meme and pepe, too?" Anna asked.

"Anna, we'll figure it out later," Dani sighed.

"Well, we could meet in Bangor, like we did with Ben," Pete said. "And we could probably make the trip down here once in a while."

"Why don't we get each other's phone numbers, and we'll call and set it up," Rebecca said. "Like I said, with Ben, we got to see Sean once or twice a month. We certainly wouldn't expect any more than that. I'll give you a call in a couple weeks, and we can talk about it."

"All right," Dani said. Lacking paper, she wrote her phone number on a napkin. Rebecca did the same. "Well, thank you for dinner," Dani said. "It was very nice to meet you."

"Same here," Rebecca said. "And don't worry. Ben was a good man, and if he thought you were the right one to look after Sean, that's good enough for us."

Somehow, the fact that Rebecca found it necessary to say this made Dani worry more.

* * *

"Of course she thinks he was a good guy," Beth said. "She was screwing him."

"What!"

"Julie's mother and Ben were sleeping together after Julie left him. Ben didn't go to Greenville just so he could see Sean."

Beth had come to Dani's to visit her and to see Sean, who had gone to see Beth a few times with Ben. Dani had told her about the encounter with Pete and Rebecca, which was why Beth was dropping this bomb. "How do you know?" Dani asked.

"Ben told me," Beth said. "He and I talked about a lot of things after he got out of rehab."

"Like what?" Please don't say he talked about me, she thought.

"Like what he thought went wrong with Julie," Beth said. "And how he started having the affair with Rebecca because Julie and Pete weren't usually around when he went to Greenville. And about how none of it would have happened if he hadn't let you marry Jason, which was probably the biggest mistake of both your lives."

"You know what confuses me?" Dani said.

"What?"

"Ben seems to have talked to everyone but me about how he really felt about me. I remember you and I had this discussion at my wedding."

"So do I," Beth said.

"I really wish people would stop telling me how much Ben loved me," Dani said. "I missed him too much before all this happened. Then, after the accident, I missed him even more. Now I spend half my time being depressed that he and I never had a chance."

"At the wedding, you told me that if you and Ben were meant to be together, you would be," Beth reminded her. "I think you were trying to get rid of me, but..."

"But apparently Ben and I weren't meant to be together," Dani said. "And I can't stop thinking about him, and how much it sucks that he and I never were together."

"You were, too, together," Beth said, laughing.

"That isn't what I meant, and it isn't what we were talking about," Dani said. "Jason's upstairs, and he doesn't know about any of that. I don't want him to find out by overhearing it."

"Maybe you should tell him," Beth suggested. "It's not like Ben is any competition now."

"I don't think he'd want to know," Dani said. "And if there's one thing I've learned about Jason in the last five years, it's that if Jason doesn't want to know something, it's better not to tell him."

"I thought he was over that stuff."

"He is. But he still gets angry; he just handles it a lot better than he used to."

"You still love Ben, though, don't you."

"Yeah, for all the good it does either of us now. Beth, I can't say anything about this to Jason. Even if he didn't stop listening as soon as I said the word 'Ben,' I have to think about Sean. If Jason got angry enough, he might start taking it out on Sean to get back at Ben."

"That's warped thinking," Beth said.

"That's Jason's thinking," Dani said. "It's easier to keep my mouth shut."

"Do you love Jason?"

This was a question Dani hated to answer. The truth was too painful to admit, but she didn't like to lie about something this important. Usually, she avoided the question; if she couldn't avoid it, she did lie, but she felt guilty about it for days afterward. The only time she had ever been truthful about her feelings for Jason was with Ben.

"Do you love him?" Ben asked. Dani had just told him that she was planning to accept Jason's proposal.

"Not really," Dani admitted.

"Dani, you really think you can spend your life with someone you don't love? Why would you even want to?"

"I care about him. I like him a lot. And it's better than spending my life alone."

"How do you know you'd be alone?"

"I don't. But at least if I marry Jason, I know I won't be."

It was only now, looking back on that conversation, that Dani realized it had been Ben's way of trying to talk her into waiting for him instead of marrying Jason. Ben had always been very subtle about his feelings; for Dani, who usually needed things spelled out in detail, some of their conversations had seemed like bizarre guessing games, which she usually lost. 

"Do you?" Beth asked again.

"Yes," Dani said quickly, hearing Jason's footsteps on the stairs.

"Yes, what?" asked Jason. "Hi, Beth."

"Yes, I love you," Dani said.

"I love you, too. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Girl talk," Beth said. "You wouldn't understand."

"I don't understand much of anything when I've just woken up," Jason said. "Dani, where are the kids?"

"Anna and Sean are outside. Melanie's napping."

"Well, one good thing about having Sean here, he at least gets Anna to play outside." At the apartment they had just moved from, there had been a large yard, and the landlord had let them put up a swingset. Even with this motivation, Anna had spent the entire summer refusing to go outside because there was no one to play with. "I guess I'll go take my shower now so I don't stink the company out of the house," Jason added. "I'll be back in a few."

"You don't really love him, do you," Beth said when Jason was out of earshot.

"What are you talking about now?"

"You didn't answer me until you heard him coming downstairs. And I've known you too long for you to lie to me. You don't love him."




A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 03



"Beth, he's my husband."

"Look me in the eye and tell me that you love Jason, and I'll drop the subject," Beth said.

Dani looked her in the eye. "I love Jason," she said.

"You're still lying."

"Beth! You said you'd drop it!"

"All right, all right. Just do yourself a favor. Never try to lie when it's really important. Your eyes always give you away."

"I suppose you think you're smart," Dani said.

"I am smart. That's why we're friends."

* * *

That night, Jason asked her, "So, what was that all about, anyway?"

"What was what all about?" Dani said.

"This morning. Why was Beth asking you if you love me?"

"We were just joking around. She's getting the jitters about marrying Howard, and we were playing shrink."

"You aren't a very good liar, Dani."

"You're the second person today to tell me that," Dani said. "I'm not lying."

"Did you and Beth talk about Ben?"

"Of course we did."

"What about him?"

"What do you mean? Just things we remembered about him, that's all. She told me something really nasty about him."

"What?" asked Jason, sounding more eager than he probably meant to.

Dani didn't really want to tell him, but it would get his attention away from the subject of how she felt about him. "He was sleeping with Rebecca."

"Rebecca, as in Julie's mother?"

"That's the one."

"What about what you told me, that he didn't believe in screwing around with married women?"

"Apparently he made an exception."

"Some exception. That's kind of sick, when you think about it. He was sleeping with the mother of the mother of his child? You were right. That is nasty."

"Told you."

"Well, at least you didn't say what I was afraid you were going to."

"What was that?"

"That Ben was sleeping with you. Or that you were in love with him, or something."

"That's dumb, Jason." Dumb, but the truth.



A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 04



"Mommy Dani, my daddy still in Heaven?"

Sean was playing with the race track set that Jason had just bought him, and he didn't look away from it when he asked this question. But Dani knew that whatever she answered would be very important to him. "Why do you ask that?" she said.

"I want Daddy visit me. Grammy visit me, and Meme and Pepe, and Beth. I want Daddy visit."

"Well, if your daddy did come to visit you, you probably wouldn't be able to see him."

"Why?"

"Because now that your daddy's in Heaven, he's an angel. He watches over you, and maybe he even does come to see you. But people can't see angels. But you can still know he's there."

"I think he here now!" Sean said.

Dani smiled. "I bet he is," she replied. "Your daddy probably misses you very much, and I bet he comes here as much as he can. God lets angels go to see the people they love."

"I wish God let me see my daddy." He abandoned the race track and climbed into Dani's lap. "You see my daddy?"

"No, sweetheart, I can't see angels either," Dani said, stroking the little boy's hair. "But I know that your daddy would want to make sure you're all right, and that Jason and I are taking good care of you. So I know he's watching over you."

"I know, too," Sean said. "Mommy?"

"Yes?"

"What a angel?"

Dani was trying to frame a response when Anna answered. "It's like, they go to Heaven to see Jesus," she said. "And Jesus lets them have wings so they can go see their family. 'Cause angels can fly. And they live on clouds, and eat ice cream all day."

Dani had to choke back a laugh at the image of angels flying around with ice cream cones. "That- that's pretty much right, Anna," she said.

"Will I be a angel?" Sean asked.

"When you go to Heaven, you will," Dani replied.

"When I'm gonna go to Heaven?"

Dani didn't know how to answer this. She didn't want Sean to be afraid of dying, but she understood this as another way of his to ask when he would see his father again. "When God decides it's time for you to go," she said finally. "And only God knows when that will be."

"You can ask God," Anna said.

"How?" Sean asked.

"You pray. You ask God to take care of people, and you ask him things you want, and things you don't know. I'll show you."

Dani and Jason hadn't taught Sean to pray; it didn't seem to be something Ben had talked about with the child. Now, it seemed, Anna would teach him. She got on her knees and folded her hands, the way her parents had taught her. Sean copied her. "Now, you listen," Anna told Sean. She closed her eyes. "Dear God, please bless my mommy and Daddy, and Melanie, and all my aunts and uncles, and all my cousins, and Gramma and Grampy, and Grammy and Bubba, and my friends at church."

"And Grammy and Meme and Pepe," Sean said.

Anna opened one eye and glared at him, then shrugged. "Yeah, okay. And bless Sean, and tell him when he's gonna go to Heaven."

"And my daddy."

"Okay. And bless Sean's daddy, and give him lots of ice cream. Amen."

"Amen," Sean echoed. "That praying?"

"Yep," said Anna. "You should say your prayers in the dark night when you go to bed. You can say them with me tonight."

"Okay," Sean agreed.

"Can I play with your racetrack?"

"Uh huh."

The prayer lesson forgotten, the kids turned to the racetrack. Dani smiled. They were starting to feel like a family.

* * *

Melanie chawed on her fist and fussed. One tooth had already broken through, and it looked like another was not far behind. "She noisy," Sean observed.

"She's getting teeth," Anna said.

"How you know?"

"Mommy said."

"Oh."

Jason looked up from the newspaper. "Is it me, or is Sean fighting with Anna a lot lately?"

"They're fighting," Dani said. "But I think it's good."

"It's good that they fight?"

"Sean's sticking up for himself," Dani explained. "The first couple weeks, he did anything Anna said, and she got used to bossing him around. Now when she tells him to do something, he questions it instead of just doing it. I think that's good."

"I guess," Jason said doubtfully. "Are we going to church today?"

"Yes, dear. That's why the kids and I are dressed up. Unless you're planning to go in your long johns, you might want to get dressed."

Jason yawned. "Maybe I'll stay home."

"Jason, you can't! I can't manage all three of them by myself, especially with Melanie teething! If she gets too fussy, I'll have to take her to the nursery, and then I'd have to-"

"Relax, Dani, I was just kidding," Jason said. "I think you're getting a little too stressed."

"So would you be, if you took care of them all day. You don't usually have to put them to bed, and you sleep all morning. With Melanie teething, I can't even sleep at night."

"I think it's a good thing you're starting your job tomorrow," Jason said. "It'll give you a break from these guys."

"And from you," Dani said.

"Excuse me?"

Dani grinned. "I need a break from you."

"I'll give you a break." He tried to grab her ass.

"Jason, the kids!"

"Then come upstairs. They'll be all right."

"No. Go get ready for church."

"You're no fun," Jason said. He went upstairs.

Dani had spent a few weeks looking for part-time work. It wasn't easy. After Anna was born, she had worked as a substitute teacher. But six months into her pregnancy with Melanie, she had been put on bed rest, and hadn't worked since. She had substituted in so many different schools that she hadn't been anywhere often enough to get references, and the eight-month gap in her resume made some personnel departments look twice, then get rid of her application. 

Through a church friend, she had finally gotten a seasonal job at a mail-order company in Portland. It would give her and Jason enough money for Christmas, at least, and there was a possibility of the job continuing after the holidays. What had decided Dani on the job was the hours she was offered: nine to two Monday through Thursday, with Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off. A three-day weekend, plus hours that allowed Jason to take care of the kids while still getting enough sleep and allowed Dani to get home before Jason had to leave for work. And the pay was good enough that the twenty hours would more than cover their extra expenses. The church friend had offered this as proof that God was looking out for the Sheridans. Dani agreed, but also considered it proof that Ben was looking out for his son.

Jason, as usual, finished getting ready for church at the exact moment that they had to leave. They were putting the kids in the car when, through the window that had for some reason been left open, they heard the phone ring. Jason looked at Dani, who shrugged. Jason went to answer it. He came out a minute later with the cordless phone. "It's for you," he told Dani.

It was Beth. "I've got some bad news for you," she said.

"Beth, the last time you said that to me, someone had died. Please tell me that isn't what happened this time."

"No one died," Beth said. 

"Then what's the bad news?"

"Julie's back."

Dani's heart dropped. "What's wrong?" Jason asked, seeing the look on her face.

Dani signaled that she would tell him later. "Are you sure?" she asked Beth.

"I was talking to Al last night. He saw her at the bus station in Portland."

"Is he sure it was her?"

"He talked to her, Dani. I hope, for your sake, that she's still too busy partying to want Sean."

"I hope so too," Dani said. "We're on our way to church, Beth, so I have to let you go. I'll give you a call later. Thanks for letting me know."

"Okay," Beth said.

Dani gave the phone back to Jason. "What's wrong?" Jason asked again.

"Julie's back in town."

"Shit!" Jason clapped his hand over his mouth, realizing that the children might have heard him.

"I agree," Dani said.

* * *

The next morning, Dani started work. Sean cried when she was getting ready to leave. "You say you not go away!" he wailed.

"Sean, Honey, I'm just going to work," Dani tried to explain. "I'll be home in a while. And Jason will be here while I'm gone."

"Daddy go work. He not come back."

Dani had forgotten that Ben had been on his way home from work when he'd had the accident. "Sean, I know it's hard to understand," she said. "But lots of people go to work every day and come home just fine. I promise, nothing's going to happen to me. I'll be home."

"Don't worry, Sean," Anna said. "Daddy and I'll look after you."

"What about Melanie?" Dani asked, smiling.

"Melanie's a fish," Anna said.

"A fish?" Dani repeated.

"Yeah!" Anna said. "She has a tail."

"She does?"

"I wanna see her tail," Sean said.

Anna pointed, illogically, at her sister's head. Melanie smiled and gurgled, trying to grab Anna's finger. "See?" Anna said to Sean. "There's her tail."

"I see it!" Sean said excitedly.

Dani kissed Jason goodbye and left for work, hoping that Sean wouldn't be too upset when he noticed she was gone.

Since Dani's job only consisted of taking catalog orders over the phone, she expected to be bored most of the day. The first two hours, she was trained in filling out the order blanks and managing the multiline phone system, but then she was left mostly alone. She couldn't even chat with her coworkers, since the managers "strongly discouraged" the workers from talking to anyone other than the telephone customers. With nothing to do, and the phone ringing infrequently, Dani's mind wandered.

She had met Ben when they were both fifteen. Ben had been finishing eighth grade; Dani had been in tenth. They had met at their friend Darcy's house. Darcy knew Dani from gym class, and knew Ben because he had the newspaper route through the mobile home park where he and Darcy lived. 

The day Dani and Ben finally met was warm and sunny, and Dani and Darcy were outside reading a play that Darcy was trying to write. When Ben came into Darcy's yard, Dani's first thought was that he was the best-looking guy she had ever seen. Her second thought was to hide. She was reading the part of a man in Darcy's play, and was dressed accordingly, with a bowler hat that covered half her face and an oversized suit coat. This was not Dani's idea of a guy-impressing outfit.

Ben was persuaded to help with the reading of the play. After they were done, and Darcy decided that the play needed too much work to be worth it, they were at a loss for something to do. "We could act out movie scenes," Ben suggested.

"What movie?" Darcy asked.

"I don't know," Ben said.

They debated a little while about which movie to act out, and finally agreed. Ben and Darcy quickly chose parts, but Dani couldn't decide. Ben suggested she play the female lead, and Dani replied, "I can't be her; she's pretty."

"Well, you're pretty," Ben said. As Dani stood there dumbstruck, and Darcy started to laugh, he quickly added, "In your own way, I mean." But Dani knew he had meant what he said.

At her sixteenth birthday party a couple weeks later, Ben asked her out. Three weeks after that, they broke up. But it was too late for them to stay out of each other's life.

Dani was interrupted by an influx of phone calls. The rest of the shift passed with no break, for which Dani was grateful.

When Dani got home, Jason was outside with Anna and Sean. Jason was trying to teach Anna to ride her bike, which Anna wanted nothing to do with. Dani parked on the street in front of the house so she wouldn't interrupt the lesson. As she headed up the driveway, Anna burst into tears and started yelling at her father. He yelled back. Sean, ignoring them, climbed onto the bike and rode it perfectly around the driveway. Dani had to laugh.

Jason and Anna looked around when they heard her. "Mommy, Mommy!" Anna shouted, running to her. 

Dani gave her a hug and said, "I didn't like what I just heard. I think you'd better say sorry to Daddy for talking back."

"Sorry, Daddy," Anna said contritely.

"Okay," Jason said. "I think we'll forget the bike for now. I want you to go inside and take off your shoes. You can play in your room for a little while."

Anna started to argue, but, seeing the look on her father's face, decided she had better obey. Dani went over to Sean, who was still on the bike. "I'm home, Sean," she said.

"Why you go?" Sean asked. He wouldn't look at her. 

"I talked to you and Anna about that yesterday. I have to work so we have money to get things we need."

"No," Sean said, shaking his head emphatically.

"No?"

"You should say goodbye."

Dani realized that he was referring to that morning. "I'm sorry, Sean," she said. "I know I should have said goodbye, but you and Anna were having such a good time that I didn't want to interrupt you. I promise, tomorrow when I go to work, I'll say goodbye."

"Promise?" Sean said.

"Promise."

"Okay." He hugged her. "Watch me ride Anna's bike!"

Since she'd barely seen Jason that morning, Dani kept him company while he got ready for work. "How'd the job go?" he asked. He handed her one of his workboots. "Can you get the knots out of that?"

"Work went all right," Dani said. She worked at the knotted shoelace. "Honestly, Jason, I can't understand how a twenty-six-year-old who works on machines for a living still hasn't learned to untie shoes so the laces don't knot."

"When I get home from work, I have more important things on my mind than knotted laces," Jason replied.

"Like what?"

"Sleep."

Dani finally managed to untie the shoelace, and threw the boot at him. "Sleep's all that's on your mind?"

"Well, it isn't whether I sleep, it's where. Like next to my gorgeous wife."

They kissed, and Jason eased her down on the bed. Then he looked at the clock and swore. "I'll give you a raincheck," he said. "I have to leave in fifteen minutes. So what was work like?"

"Boring," Dani said. "All I did was answer phones and write down orders. They don't even let us talk to each other."

"Was it busy?"

"Kind of, I guess. The boss said I could bring a book to read or something between calls, so I probably will tomorrow. How were the small fries?"

"Melanie didn't want her bottle, so she'll probably be very hungry when she wakes up. I managed to get her lunch into her, but she ended up with mashed bananas all over her head."

"Did you clean her up?"

"With a washcloth. She'll need a bath tonight."

"She needed one anyway. What about Anna and Sean?"

"Let's see," Jason said. "Anna got a time out for hitting Sean in the face and refusing to tell me why. Then Sean got a time out for calling Anna a shithead. Then Anna's blocks were taken away because she wouldn't let Sean use them. Then Sean got put in time out again for throwing crayons at Anna because she didn't want to share those either. I had to separate them at lunch because they tried to start a food fight, and both of them napped for about half an hour before I caught them screaming in Sean's closet again. Why do they keep doing that?"

"They told me there's a monster in there, and they're trying to scare it away," Dani said. She was trying not to laugh at the way Jason had listed the misbehavior.

"Well, anyway, out in the driveway was the first time all day that they've been around each other more than a couple minutes without fighting," Jason said. "Now I understand why you were so stressed out."

"Poor baby," Dani said. "Maybe I should make you watch them more often. I could join a gym or something."

"No, thanks," Jason said. "Four mornings a week is more than enough."

Jason was on his way out the door when he finally remembered to tell Dani, "Someone called for you earlier."

"Gee, thanks for telling me. Who was it?"

"I don't remember. I wrote it down by the phone. See you tonight."

"Have a good night," Dani said. She went into the kitchen. On the pad by the phone was written, "Call 555-6781. Julie. Important."

Dani ripped the page off the pad and tore it up. If Julie Ryan was waiting for her to call, she had a long wait ahead of her.

* * *

Both Dani and Jason were glad when Friday arrived, because Dani didn't have to work. Jason had also managed to get the day off, so they made plans to spend the day with the kids. "Can we go to Cheesy Cheese?" asked Anna, meaning Chuck E. Cheese, which she had seen advertised on TV.

"I don't know, Babe," Dani said. "It's kind of far." The nearest Chuck E. Cheese was in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, an hour away.

"Can we go to Funtown?" Anna asked.

"Anna, you know Funtown's only open in the summer," Jason said.

"Well, where can we go?" Anna asked.

"Grammy Phyllis?" Sean suggested.

"We're going to see her later, after she gets home from work," Dani said. Phyllis had invited them for supper that night. "But we have the rest of the day to spend together."

"The puppy place?" Sean said, meaning the pet store at the mall.

"We go there all the time," Anna complained.

"I think we can go to the puppy place," Jason said. "And since Sean got to pick that place, Anna, you can pick a place you want to go, too."

Anna thought. "Can I spend my dollars?" she asked.

"Yes," Dani and Jason replied together.

"Toy store," said Anna.

Jason seemed about to veto the idea, so Dani spoke up. "That isn't that crazy," she said. "We could get some ideas of what they want for Christmas, and maybe even get some presents now, if one of us can keep Anna and Sean occupied."

"I'll find a nice box for Melanie," Jason said. "If she's anything like Anna, she'll like that better than a toy."

"I don't like stupid boxes," Anna said.

"Anna, don't say stupid," Dani said.

"Sorry," Anna said. "Can we go to the toy store?"

"Yes, we can," Dani said.

"Melanie's turn to pick," Sean said.

"I think Melanie will be happy wherever we go," Jason said. He smiled at the baby, who was lying on the floor batting at her gym.

"Anna, why don't you get your purse, and I'll help you count your dollars," Dani said.

"Okay," Anna said. "Come on, Sean."

Sean obediently followed Anna upstairs. "What are we going to do about Sean?" Jason asked.

"You mean money? That's why I want to find out how much Anna has. We'll give Sean the same amount."

"But Anna earned that money doing her chores. She might get upset if she sees Sean getting money without working for it."

"Jason, she's three. She got her money for picking up toys and putting the cat food down at night. I don't think she'd even notice, and it isn't like we owe her an explanation anyway."

The kids came back, and Dani and Anna sat down to count Anna's money. She had twelve dollars. "Mommy, Sean doesn't have chores, does he?" Anna said.

"No, because he isn't three yet," Dani replied.

"Then how can he have money?"

Jason gave Dani an "I told you so" look. Dani rolled her eyes at him. "Well, Daddy and I were going to give him some money," she said to Anna.

"Can I share my dollars with him?"

This was the last thing Dani was expecting to hear. She looked at Jason, who seemed equally surprised. "That's a wonderful thought, Sweetie," Dani told Anna. "I'm very proud of you for thinking it. But you can keep your dollars. Daddy and I will share our dollars with Sean this time."

The toy store was across the street from the Mall, so they spent the day in the area. Anna and Sean were surprisingly well-behaved; they had one argument about whether to have lunch at McDonald's or Burger King, which Dani and Jason settled by taking them to Pizza Hut. Melanie, who seemed quite proud of her newfound grabbing ability, almost carried a rattle out of the toy store; fortunately, Dani noticed it in the carriage before they got outside. "That's my little klepto," Jason said affectionately, as he headed back through the store to replace the rattle.

They didn't manage any Christmas shopping that day. Sean and Anna didn't want to be separated; Anna wanted to stay with her Daddy, and Sean wouldn't let Dani out of his sight. But watching the kids exclaim over things that they saw in the store at least gave Dani and Jason some ideas for gifts. Anna spent her money on a set of character dolls from her favorite TV show. There were two different sets, and since Anna only had enough money for one, she persuaded Sean to buy the other. "Anna, you should have let Sean pick his own toy," Dani said when she realized what Anna had done.




A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 04



"I wanted 'em," Sean argued. "Anna said I did."

* * *

Dinner at Phyllis's lasted longer than they had expected. Sean fell asleep on the sofa shortly after the meal, and Melanie was dozing in her carrier before the others had finished eating. Only Anna didn't seem tired. "I didn't mean to keep you so late," Phyllis said when she realized what time it was. "I just miss Sean so much."

"I wish we could get together more often," Dani said. "You got to see him a lot more with Ben?"

"I lived with them the first few months that Ben had custody," Phyllis said. "Ben didn't really know how to take care of a baby by himself, plus he had to work full-time and didn't know what to do about daycare. So he asked me to help out. I wasn't working then, I had some time off for an operation, so I moved in with them. That's when he and I did most of the talking I told you about."

"What talking?" Jason asked suspiciously. 

"About his past," Phyllis said smoothly. "Things nobody else knew."

Dani mentally blessed Phyllis. "But you weren't staying with them when-" she began. 

"No, I wasn't," Phyllis said. "I had to go back to work about the time Sean turned two. I helped Ben find a good sitter, a friend of mine who had just retired from a daycare center. She brought Sean to me the night of the accident. She was mentioning to me the other day how much she'd like to see him."

"I have an idea," Jason said. "What if Sean stayed with you tonight, and tomorrow you could take him to see your friend before we picked him up."

"That would be terrific!" Phyllis said. "Dani?"

Dani, irrationally, was sure that if Sean were away from her for even one night, she would never see him again. She shook off the feeling and said, "If you don't mind having him, sure. We don't have his pajamas or anything, though."

"Ben kept some things here for him," Phyllis said. "I hate to do it, he's sleeping so good, but let's wake him up and tell him what's going on so he doesn't get confused when he finds you gone."

"Can I stay here too?" Anna asked Phyllis.

Dani saw that Phyllis wasn't sure what to say. "Not tonight, Anna," she told the girl.

Anna stomped over to the door and stood there with her arms folded and her head down. "Anna, are you sulking?" Jason asked.

"Yes!"

"Why?"

"Because Sean gets to have a sleepover and I don't!"

"Anna, maybe another night we can have Denise or Allie over," Dani said. "Or you can go to their house. But not tonight."

Anna started to cry, with huge sobs that were obviously mostly fake. "Somebody's overtired," Jason said.

Dani gently shook Sean's shoulder. The little boy opened her eyes. "Sean, do you want to stay with Grammy tonight?" she asked.

"No!"

Phyllis sat down beside him. "Sean, do you remember when you stayed here before? You wore your new jammies that your Daddy got you, with the puppies on them, and I made pancakes for breakfast. Remember?"

"Yeah."

"And then, after breakfast, we watched cartoons. And then Daddy came and got you. Right?"

"Yeah."

"Dani and Jason will come and take you home tomorrow. But I don't get to see you much, and so I thought you could stay with me tonight, and tomorrow after breakfast, we can go see Sheila."

Sean considered this. "You make pancakes again?"

Phyllis smiled. "Of course I will."

Sean looked at Dani. "You come back 'morrow? Promise?"

"I promise."

"Okay," Sean said.

Since Anna was now kicking the door in frustration, Jason and Dani decided it was time to leave. When they got home, they were surprised to see Steve's car in their driveway. "What are you doing here?" Jason asked.

"We were at Mom and Dad's, and Deeny started begging to have Anna spend the night," Steve replied. "So we came by to see if Anna wanted to sleep over."

"We can take Melanie, too, if it's okay," Robin added.

"Melanie's already asleep," Jason said. He knew that Dani felt the baby was too young to spend the night away from her parents. "But Anna's welcome to go if you want her."

"Looks like you got your wish, Kiddo," Dani said to Anna. "Denise wants you to sleep at her house."

"Oh, boy!" Anna shouted. "Sean has a sleepover, and I have a sleepover! This is great!"

Jason settled Melanie in her crib while Dani packed Anna's backpack. Steve, Robin, and Denise visited for a few minutes, then left, with the girls cheerfully debating what video they would watch the next morning. Jason put his arms around Dani. "Alone at last," he sighed.

"Not quite," Dani reminded him.

"Close enough," Jason said. "Melanie almost never wakes up at night anymore. And even if she does, she can't get up and run into our room." He kissed her neck. "So what do you want to do now?"

"Watch a video."

"Only if it's X-rated."

Dani pretended to punch him. "You're a sick, twisted being." She pulled away from him and sat down. "This feels weird."

"What does?"

"Not having the kids here."

"You're right," Jason said. "Both of them.

Dani looked at him, surprised. "Does that mean you've gotten used to having Sean around?"

"Dani, I might never get used to the idea of who Sean's real father was. I still think you and Ben were more than just friends, and it feels weird seeing Sean all the time because he looks so much like Ben."

"Ben and I-" Dani began.

Jason held up his hand to stop her. "I don't want to know," he said. "Anyway, even though I'm still jealous of Ben, which seems stupid under the circumstances, I really love Sean. It wouldn't feel right if he wasn't here with us. Which is why I've been thinking."

"Thinking what?"

"Those papers we signed. Do they mean Sean's legally our son, or just that he's legally living here?"

"Just that he's legally living here, basically."

"Then let's adopt him."

"Are you trying to see how much you can shock me tonight?"

"I mean it, Dani."

"I know you do. But what about Julie? She'd have to sign over her rights, and I don't think she'd do it."

"Why not? She abandoned him, and she hasn't tried to get in touch with us the last few days. If she really wanted to see him, I think she would have tried harder. Just think about it. I'm surprised you didn't suggest it already."

"I didn't think you'd go along with it," Dani admitted.

"Well, I would. So think about it. And here's something else to think about." Dani giggled as he nibbled on her neck.



A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 05



Dani and Jason slept late the next morning, leaving Melanie to entertain herself in her crib a little longer than usual. When they finally got up, they found that Melanie had gone back to sleep. They went back to bed too, although not to sleep. By nine thirty, they and Melanie were downstairs, dressed, and fed. "I'll call Phyllis and Steve and Robin and ask what time they want us to pick up the kids," Jason said.

He took the cordless into the den to make the calls. Dani thought that she heard him dial three times, but assumed that one of the lines had been busy. "Steve and Robin are keeping Anna till after lunch," he informed her when he came back. "Phyllis and Sean were just leaving to see his old sitter, and she said she'll bring him back here after, probably just before we go get Anna. So come on, because we have an errand to run."

"Really," said Dani. "And I follow your orders since when?"

"Sorry," Jason said. "Please get ready to go somewhere with me. I'll take care of Mel while you get ready."

Dani was ready in ten minutes. "Where are we going?" she asked Jason.

"It's a surprise," Jason said. He stopped her when she started to buckle Melanie into the car. "We're taking my car," he said.

"Jason, your seatbelts don't hold her car seat very well," Dani protested.

"We aren't going very far, and the problem will be solved when we get there," Jason said. "Trust me."

Dani could see that arguing wasn't going to get her anywhere, so, saying a silent prayer that they would get wherever they were going safely, she got into the car. Jason was right; they didn't go far. He stopped at a car dealership about two miles from their house. "What are we doing here, Jason?" she sighed.

"You'll see. Come on."

He carried Melanie into the dealership, with Dani reluctantly following. "We're here to see Mark," he said when a salesman approached them. 

"I am Mark," the salesman said. "You must be the Sheridans. Hi, Cutie," he added, tickling Melanie's chin. Melanie gurgled and tried to grab his nose. "The one I told you about is right outside," Mark said to Jason. "It's all ready for you to try out."

"The payments are going to be what we talked about, right?" Jason said.

"Well, as close as we can get. It depends on what finance rate we get, which we don't have any control over, and on what we get for your trade-in."

"I can accept that," Jason said. "Okay, let's see it."

"Jason, what on earth do you think you're doing?" Dani demanded in a whisper as they followed Mark outside.

"Don't worry about it."

"I am worried about it. How do you think we're going to afford- Oh, Jason!"

The salesman was standing in front of one of Dani's dream vehicles: a Toyota Sienna minivan. "Jason, we can't possibly afford this," Dani said.

"It's used, Dani," Jason said. "We'll be paying for it till Melanie's in kindergarten, but we can afford it."

"Jason, this, plus the mortgage and all our other bills?"

"Mrs. Sheridan, I understand where you're coming from," Mark said. "But really, the payments won't be as much as you might think. Mr. Sheridan, if I could have the keys to your car..."

"Jason, you're going to trade the Z24?" Dani said. "But you love that car!"

"You and the kids are more important," Jason replied. "I've seen how hard it is for you to get the three of them in and out of your Oldsmobile. Besides, you're right about the seatbelts in the Z24. How much sense does it make for me to hold onto a car that we don't even dare to put the baby in? So you'll finally have your Sienna you've been wanting for years, and I'll drive the Oldsmobile."

"And Mr. Sheridan tells me you own the Z24 outright," Mark said. "Those do pretty well on resale, so we should be able to give you a good trade on it. Our used car manager will take a look at it while you try out the Sienna."

Dani loved the minivan; it handled better than she'd expected, and she was impressed with how easy it would be to get the kids in and out. But she still wasn't sure about buying it. "Jason, it's great," she said when they returned to the dealership. "But-"

"We do have the money," Jason said. "For one thing, I didn't tell you because I wanted to surprise you, but I got my raise. I'll be getting another dollar an hour."

"Jason, I can't believe it! You've been trying for that raise for months! I'm so glad you finally got it, but still-"

"For another thing," Jason continued, as though Dani hadn't spoken, "we were talking about getting a minivan as soon as we found out you were pregnant with Melanie. So I've been putting some extra money in the bank every week, on top of the regular savings and the house fund. Since we bought the house, I've been able to put more away. We have almost two grand for a downpayment for this, plus the Z24. The payment will be about what we were paying for the Olds and the Z24 together, but since the Olds is paid off now, we won't be paying any more a month than we have been. Dani, I want to do this for you. Especially if we decide to go through with what we were talking about last night. A mother of three needs a minivan, and this is the one you've been wanting. If you don't let me get it for you, you'll ruin my life."

Dani laughed and kissed him. "All right," she said. "Thank you, Jason."

"Just taking care of my family."

It took a while for the approvals and all the paperwork to be done, but Dani, Jason, and Melanie went home in the Sienna. When they got there, there was a message on their answering machine. "Hi, folks. This is Rebecca Perry. I was hoping we could talk about Sean spending some time with us. Give us a call."

"I wonder if Julie's been in touch with them," Dani said after they heard the message. 

"She must have been. They are her parents."

"Ben told me she and her parents didn't always get along."

"So call them and find out."

Dani dialed the number that Rebecca had left. Rebecca answered on the first ring. After a few minutes of small talk, Dani said, "So, when were you thinking about seeing Sean?"

"We're going to be down that way next weekend," Rebecca said. "We figured we could swing by your place, maybe take Sean for the day, then bring him back around supper."

"That sounds all right. By the way, Rebecca, have you heard from Julie lately? A friend of mine said he saw her in Portland not long ago."

"Julie? No, we haven't heard a thing. So we'll see you next Saturday, probably around ten?"

"All right," Dani agreed. "Thanks for calling."

She hung up. "So, have they heard from Julie?" Jason asked.

"She said they haven't," Dani replied.

"But?"

"She was lying."

"How do you know, Dani?"

"She answered me way too quickly, and didn't seem interested in the fact that Julie was seen in Portland. I think she would have had more questions about that if she didn't already know that Julie was around."

"So what are you going to do?" Jason asked. "Not let them see Sean?"

"They can see him. They can even take him out for the day, like Rebecca just said. But think about it, Jason. From what they said at the mall, they never came down here to see Sean when Ben was alive. So why would they be coming down here now?"

"You tell me."

"Beth said Al saw Julie in Portland. So she's probably living there again. They're coming here to pick up Sean, and they're going to take him to see Julie."

"And you're okay with that?"

"Of course I'm not okay with that! Julie's a bitch!"

"I thought you never met her."

"I didn't," Dani admitted. "She refused to meet me. She didn't want Ben to have anything to do with me, which is one reason for thinking she's a bitch. Then there's the fact that she left Ben for another guy while she was pregnant with Sean, and she left Sean so she could go party."

"So what are we going to do?" Jason asked.

"What can we do? Rebecca and Pete are Sean's grandparents; they have a right to see him. And I don't know what, if any, visitation rights were given to Julie when Ben got custody. I'll call Martin Franklin and see if he knows. I will tell you one thing, though."

"What's that?"

"If they don't have Sean back when they say they will, I will call the police. And if the police won't do anything, I'll go get him back myself. I lost Ben. I'm not going to lose Sean."

"What do you mean, you lost Ben?" Jason demanded.

"Never mind," Dani said. "He died. That's what I mean. We have to go pick up Anna."

They left the house in the minivan. "What do you mean, you lost Ben?" Jason asked again when they were on the road. 

"For Heaven's sake, Jason, give it a rest," Dani said. "Ben was my friend. We hadn't spoken in over a year because of a stupid thing I said, and before I had a chance to apologize and patch things up with him, he was killed. What do you think I mean?"

"I don't know. Maybe that really is all, or maybe there was something more than what you're telling me."

"Or maybe you're being a paranoid idiot! I married you, didn't I? I've spent almost five years with you, haven't I?"

"Except for when you left me," Jason said.

"I left you because you were an abusive asshole, and you were starting to be abusive to Anna."

"I never hit you or her."

"No, but you sure as hell came close. Anyway, if we're going to argue, let's at least stick to the topic, and not get into this whole separation thing again."

"Fine! So what did you really mean?"

"I really meant what I've already told you a half dozen times I really meant! Jason, why is it easier for you to believe that I'm lying than that I'm telling the truth?"

"You're right," Jason said after a moment. "You're right. You're my wife, and I should trust you. And I do trust you. But you know I've always been jealous of Ben. I've never really understood why you married me instead of him."

"Because you wanted to marry me," Dani said.

"Well, you wanted to marry me, too, right?" Jason asked.

"Right." Dani wasn't sure if she was lying or not.

* * *

When they got to Steve and Robin's, Steve's car was nowhere in sight. "They must have gone to run an errand or something," Jason said. "I'll go see if they left us a note."

He went up to the door. "Can I get out, Mommy Dani?" Sean asked.

"Jason's just seeing if Uncle Steve left us a note to let us know where they are," Dani replied.

"But can I get out?"

"Not right now, Joey."

"I not Joey," Sean said.

Jason came back to the van. "They're waiting for us at Wal-Mart." 

"I not Joey," Sean repeated.

"Joey?" Jason asked.

"I didn't say Joey, did I?" Dani mentally kicked herself.

"Yes," Sean said.

"Who's Joey?" Jason wanted to know. 

"I don't know. I didn't even know I said it." Another might-have-been, Dani thought.

A week after she and Ben made love, Dani's period was late. Cursing herself for not insisting on protection, Dani waited nearly a week, then finally bought a pregnancy test. While she waited for the results, she daydreamed about having Ben's child, a little boy she would name Joseph. Joey, for short. Ben might be angry if she was pregnant, but surely he wouldn't desert her and their child.

The test had been negative. Two days later, Dani's period had arrived. She was never sure why it had been late, and she'd never told anyone about the pregnancy scare. But she'd never stopped wondering what if, or thinking about a little boy who would have looked exactly like Ben. Exactly like Sean.

"Well, you did say it." Jason folded his arms. "Let's go find our daughter."

Steve, Robin, and the girls were in the toy department at Wal-Mart. Anna and Denise were holding matching Barbies. "We were just wondering if you were going to show up," Steve said. "What took you so long?"

"I bought Dani a present," Jason said. "It's outside if you want to see it."

"First we need to pay for these Barbies," Robin said.

"You don't have to buy Anna's," Dani said.

"We do, actually," Steve said. "We promised them last night that if they did everything they were told, they could come here and pick out anything they wanted that was less than ten dollars. The Barbies are on sale."

"I hope you said thank you to Uncle Steve and Auntie Robin," Jason said to Anna.

"Thank you, Uncle Steve and Auntie Robin," Anna said obediently.

After they left Wal-Mart, Steve and Robin offered to treat the Sheridans to dinner. Since Jason had to get home to get ready for work, they turned down the offer. "That was kind of dumb," Steve said. "It would have only taken you twenty minutes to get to work from here, but it'll take you over an hour to go home, then go to work. Why didn't you just bring both cars so you could go to work from here?"

"I had to make sure Dani didn't drive too fast in her new toy," Jason said.

"Well, we're going to have to drive fast if you're going to get to work on time," Dani said. "Thanks again for keeping Anna, guys. We'll have Deeny sometime in the next couple weeks."

"Just let us know when," said Robin.

Sean and Anna both fell asleep on the way home. Melanie stayed awake, babbling at the van windows. "Who's Joey?" Jason asked again.

"I told you, I don't know why I said that," Dani replied. "I didn't even know I did. You sometimes call the girls by the wrong names."

"I call them by each other's names. Ben's middle name was Joseph, wasn't it?"

"Oh, for crying out loud," Dani said. "Yes, it was. And Sean looks a lot like Ben, which is probably why I called him that."

"That might be it."

"What do you think, Jason, that Ben and I were secret lovers and had a kid I stashed somewhere or something? Drop it. I need to concentrate on driving." 

When they got home, Jason kissed the kids and got into the Oldsmobile without saying anything to Dani. Then he rolled down his window. "Maybe you and Ben weren't secret lovers, but you do have his kid," he said. "And maybe you should worry more about your own kids."

"What happened to, I love Sean and I want to adopt him?" Dani asked.

"I still do. But you're acting like Sean's the only kid you have or want. I don't know what was between you and Ben that made him decide to give Sean to you. I just hope you're telling the truth."

"I just hope you like our couch," Dani said angrily. "Because that's where you're going to be if you keep up these accusations."

"Now you're kicking me out of bed? What's next, Dani, throwing me out of the house?"

"Don't go there, Jason."

"Fine. I'll go to work instead. I'll see you when I get home, if you can be bothered." He left a strip of rubber at the end of the driveway when he took off.

"Mommy, why's Daddy mad?" asked Anna, who had woken up when Jason kissed her.

"Because Daddy needs to get a life," Dani said. "Let's get inside and figure out what's for supper."

The biggest problem Dani had with the fight wasn't that Jason had gone to work angry. She knew that if he hadn't forgotten his anger by the time he got home, it would at least have lessened to the point where they could talk rationally. The problem was how close he had come to guessing the truth about her relationship with Ben.

* * *

When Jason got home at two a.m., Dani was still awake. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't have gone off on you like that."

"I shouldn't have accused you of lying," Jason replied. He gave her a hug. "I forgive you."

"We need to talk," Dani said. "If you're too tired, it can wait till morning."

"It is morning," Jason pointed out. "And we have church, so we wouldn't be able to talk till afternoon. Let's get it over with."

"The thing is, I didn't tell you the whole truth," Dani said.

"Maybe I don't want to hear this after all."

"Probably not. But I need to tell you. I didn't marry you so I could lie to you. Ben and I were more than friends. But it ended before you and I got engaged."

"But not before you and I started seeing each other." It was not a question.

"No," Dani admitted.

"You cheated on me with him while we were going out."

"Yes."

"Did you sleep with him?"

"Once. That was when it ended."

Jason punched the couch cushion. "Damn it, Dani, I did not need to hear this at two in the morning!"

"I tried to get you to wait till later to talk."

"Why are you telling me this at all?"

"Because it's what you believed anyway, and I was tired of lying."

"Were you in love with him? Even after we got married?"

"Yes. But after that one time, nothing happened. And that is the truth."

"Are you in love with me?"

Dani knew that their entire marriage probably rested on her answer. So she lied. "Yes, I am."

"Okay. I wish you hadn't told me about you and Ben, but at least you were honest. Can we go to bed now?"

"Yes."

Jason fell asleep before Dani was even ready for bed. Dani lay awake for over an hour. Jason now knew the truth, but not all of it. And what he didn't know, that she wasn't in love with him and never had been, was something he couldn't find out.



A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 06



For a few days, Jason seemed wary around Dani. A couple of times when he worked overtime, he slept on the couch instead of coming to bed. Even when he did come to bed, he didn't wake her when he got home, as he usually did. Finally, Dani confronted him. "Why does it seem like you're avoiding me?" 

"I'm not avoiding you," he protested. "How can I avoid you? We live in the same house."

"Jason, don't start with the doubletalk."

Jason sighed. "All right, fine. Maybe I have been avoiding you. It's a little hard to accept that the woman I married has been in love with someone else all these years."

"But I married you, not him," Dani said. "And you suspected how I felt before I told you."

"There's a big difference between suspecting something and knowing it for a fact. When I only suspected it, I could tell myself it was just paranoia. Now I know I was right. That's what I'm having trouble dealing with."

"Mommy, I need a drink," Anna said from the top of the stairs.

"Get one in the bathroom," Dani called back.

"I don't need water! I need juice!"

"You need to do what you're told!" Jason called. "I was up there five minutes ago, and she didn't need a drink then," he told Dani.

"She knows we're fighting," Dani said. "She's trying to stop it."

"We aren't fighting."

"Jason, denying a problem doesn't make it go away. You've been asking me for years how I really felt about Ben, and every time I told you we were just friends, we'd get in a fight because you'd say I was lying. So I decided to stop lying about it, and now we're fighting because I told you the truth. How much sense does that make?"

"It makes sense because of how much it hurts me to hear you say you were in love with Ben Mills."

Dani shook her head. "I didn't tell you to hurt you, Jason."

"I know that. But it still hurt."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you, and I'm sorry you're having a hard time with what I told you. But can you please stop treating me like you're allergic to me or something? I'm getting tired of trying to explain to Anna and Sean why you keep sleeping on the couch."

"I'll try," Jason said. "So, are you ready for this afternoon?"

"I doubt it."

They were getting ready to go to Dani's parents'. Dani's father had gone out of state to visit some friends of the family, and had brought back souvenirs for Dani, Jason, and the kids. Or at least Anna and Melanie. Dani's father hadn't been home when the Sheridans had gone to visit lately, and as far as they knew, he hadn't even mentioned Sean's name since the day he had called Ben a freeloader. "He better not have left Sean out," Jason said.

"If he did, we'll just tell him thanks but no thanks on the other presents," Dani replied.

"That wouldn't be fair to the girls."

"It wouldn't be fair to Sean if the girls got things and he didn't."

"We'll cross that bridge if we come to it," Jason said. He didn't want to argue anymore than Dani did.

As it turned out, they had nothing to worry about. Dani's father had brought back a toy and a book for each kid. "Thank you for including Sean," Dani said later, while the kids were enjoying their new toys. 

Her father looked surprised. "Why wouldn't I include him?"

"Because the day I brought him here to meet you, you ignored him, called his father a freeloader, and walked out."

"I shouldn't have done that," her father admitted. "It's just that you and Jason had just gotten yourselves to the point where you're doing all right financially, and all of a sudden, someone dumps another kid on you. I'm still not sure why Ben thought you and Jason should look after his son, but since you two have accepted it, I have too."

"You might want to find a way to let Sean know that," Dani said. "He was afraid to come here because he thought you didn't like him."

"I'll take care of it."

Dani's father wasn't the kind of person who actually talked about his feelings, or was demonstrative about them. But he usually found a way to get the point across. He started by telling Sean to call him Bubba, as Anna did. He showed Sean how to use the toy he had bought for him. Then, the crowning sign of acceptance, he invited Sean to join him and Anna on the couch for a story. "What did you say to Dad?" Dani asked her mother.

"Not a thing. He finally realized that carrying a grudge against someone who's dead doesn't do anyone any good. And Sean wasn't even born when we had our problem with Ben, so it certainly didn't make sense to hold a grudge against Sean."

"Well, whatever happened, I'm glad it did," Dani said. "Look how much Sean's enjoying the story. He needs all the love he can get, after everything he's been through."

* * *

The next day was the day Dani had been dreading. Rebecca and Pete Perry were due to arrive at ten to take Sean for the day. Anna started the day with a tantrum because she wanted to go with Sean; Sean countered by throwing a tantrum because he didn't want to leave Dani. Dani found this reaction surprising. "Don't you want to see Meme and Pepe?" she asked.

"No! No! No!" Sean screamed. "They mean! They say bad stuff about Daddy!"

"Are they mean to you?" Dani asked.

"They say, be big boy and don't cry when Daddy go. Meme don't like Daddy. They nice when Daddy gone. They yell if I miss Daddy."

This was the last thing Dani wanted to hear. If the Perrys disliked Ben so much, what might they say about him to Sean? Sean shouldn't hear anything bad about his father, especially not now. "I'll make sure they aren't mean," Dani promised. "But they haven't seen you in a long time, and they really want to spend some time with you. I bet they'll take you somewhere special."

"It's not fair!" Anna wailed. "Sean has his grandparents and mine, but I only got mine!"

"Calm down, Anna," Jason told her. "I'll do something fun with you while Sean's gone."

"I wanna do something fun too!" Sean sobbed.

It was close to eleven when Pete and Rebecca arrived. This was fortunate, since the delay gave Dani and Jason time to calm the kids. "Sorry we're late," Rebecca said. "There was an accident on the highway."

"That's all right," Dani said. "So, what are your plans for the afternoon?"

"We thought we'd start with lunch," Pete said. "Then probably some shopping. We might go to the Old Port in Portland. Then home in time for supper. We'll try to be back here around five; we'll call if we're going to be later than that."

"I'd appreciate that," Dani said. She helped Sean with his coat, then asked, as though it was an afterthought, "Have you heard from Julie yet?"

"Oh, um, no," Rebecca said, glancing at Pete. "If your friend did see her, she must have decided not to get in touch with us yet. Why?"

"I just wondered," Dani replied. "I know I'd hate not knowing where my child was. Anyway, have a good time. Sean, be good for Meme and Pepe."

"Okay," Sean said.

As soon as they were out the door, Dani asked Jason, "What do you think?"

"Lying," said Jason. He had been watching Rebecca's face when Dani asked about Julie. "Definitely lying. But that doesn't mean they're taking Sean to see her."

"No, but it increases the odds."

Dani spent a quiet afternoon with Melanie, who napped most of the time. Jason took Anna to see one of his uncles, who had a son a little older than Anna. They got back just after the Perrys dropped Sean off. "How was your afternoon?" Jason asked the boy.


"Fine," said Sean, more subdued than usual.

"Where did Meme and Pepe take you?" Dani asked.

"They say don't tell."

Just as Dani had feared. "Sean, we're your Mommy and Daddy now," she said. "If someone tells you not to tell us something, you should tell us anyway. It's not okay for them to tell you not to tell us."

Sean looked relieved. "They take me to see my other Mommy," he said.

"Did you like seeing her?" Dani asked.

Suddenly angry, Sean shook his head violently. "I hate her! She ugly! She bad! She say I not stay here! I hate her, Mommy Dani! She want take me away!"

Sean dissolved into sobs. Dani picked him up and hugged him fiercely. Her eyes met Jason's, and he nodded. Whatever Julie and her parents tried to do, they would fight.

* * *

The next week went by with no contact from Julie or her parents. Dani tried to relax, but couldn't. She only knew Julie from what Ben had told her, but that was enough to convince her that Julie wouldn't back down until she had what she wanted. Which, in this case, was Sean.

Dani had almost spoken to Julie once. It had been while she was pregnant with Anna. Jason was out, as he had been almost every night during the pregnancy, so Dani and Ben indulged in one of their marathon phone calls. It was eight o'clock when they realized they had been talking for nearly three hours. "You'd better go," Dani said. "Julie might not like you talking to another woman this long."

"Julie definitely wouldn't like me talking to you this long," Ben replied.

"What do you mean?"

"She's pissed that I'm still friends with you. I had to hide that picture of you that you gave me for Christmas a couple years ago, because she was going to tear it up."

"Why? I haven't even met her. I haven't done anything to her."

"She's jealous. I didn't tell her that we've ever been more than friends, but she figured it out. I can't even say your name without her getting mad."

"Well, I'm six months pregnant and look like a beached whale," Dani said. "If she met me now, I bet she wouldn't be jealous."

"That might not be so crazy," Ben said.

Then Dani heard another voice on Ben's end of the phone. "Who are you talking to?"

"Dani," Ben replied.

"I thought I told you not to talk to her anymore."

"Julie, you don't get to pick my friends. Besides, Dani's married and pregnant. She isn't any competition. I love you. That's why you and I are living together."

Julie snatched the phone from Ben. "Stay the fuck away from him!" she shouted, so loud that Dani had to hold the phone away from her ear. Then Julie hung up.

The way Julie had acted on that occasion gave Dani an idea of what Julie must have thought when she found out who was caring for her son. Dani doubted that Julie would give up without trying to regain custody.

* * *

The following week was Thanksgiving. Jason's parents had their annual open house buffet. Out of consideration for Sean, they had invited Phyllis, who had been pleased to accept. "I usually have Thanksgiving alone," she told Dani and Jason when they picked her up. "Ben and Sean are about all the family I've had."

"A lot of people come to my parents'," Jason said. "And as far as my parents are concerned, everyone who shows up is family."

"Which makes their family roughly equal to the population of New England," Dani added. "But don't panic. The number of people there today will probably only equal the number of people in Maine."

Carl and Susan's house was packed. In addition to Steve and Ken and their families, most of Jason's aunts, uncles, and cousins were there. Anna and Denise herded Sean through the crowd, trying to tell him who everyone was. Dani got nervous when she could no longer see Sean, but she fought the feeling back. She had learned when Anna was old enough to toddle that someone at Carl and Susan's always had an eye on the kids, and somehow, even the distant relatives managed to keep track of which kids belonged to whom. She also knew that word had spread through the family about Julie, so even on the unlikely chance that Julie showed up and tried to take Sean, someone would stop her.

Children ran through the crowd, pushing past the grownups without any concern for toes. After the third time someone's elbow caught Dani in the stomach, she and Susan ordered the kids to stay in the basement family room. The sounds of shrieks and fighting mingled with the sounds of laughter coming from the basement. The adults in the family didn't usually interfere with the children unless someone was actually injured, so they ignored the noise and got on with the socializing and cooking.

Jason wandered off with some of his male cousins to talk about trucks. Dani set Melanie's carrier in the center of the kitchen table and joined Robin and Leah, another sister, in helping Susan prepare the meal. It was tradition for the daughters-in-law to help, and for everyone else to stay away from the kitchen. "How's the little boy doing?" Leah asked Dani.

"Sean's doing all right," Dani replied. She started peeling the pile of potatoes that Susan had set in front of her. "I think it's going to be hard for him when Christmas gets closer, though."

"He's young," Susan said. "He isn't going to remember much about his father."

This infuriated Dani. "Susan, I want him to remember his father," she said, trying to sound calm.

Susan had known Dani long enough to recognize when she was upset, even when Dani tried to hide it. "Calm down," she said. "I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that the holidays might not be so bad because he isn't really going to remember having spent holidays with his father."

"I still can't believe Jason," Robin said.

"What do you mean?" Dani asked.

"Letting you keep Sean. I know that sounds like I'm talking about a puppy or something, but you know what I mean. Anyway, after everything you went through with Jason when Anna was a baby, I wouldn't think he'd have a good attitude about adopting another guy's kid. I mean, everyone knows you and Ben had something going."

"Ben and I were just friends," Dani insisted.

"And that's her story, and she's sticking to it," Leah said. She took the potatoes that Dani had peeled and put them in the pot on top of the stove. "Ma, you've got to stop inviting so many people for Thanksgiving," she said to Susan. "Your food bill for Thanksgiving dinner could feed a family of four for a month!"

"How big's the turkey this year?" Dani asked, grateful to Leah for the change of subject.

"Thirty pounds," Susan said. "I've had it in the oven since last night. It should be done in another hour or so."

"Now if Leah can just remember not to put the gravy boat in the microwave this year," Robin said.

"I'll remember not to put the gravy boat in the microwave if you remember not to give Pa a saw to cut the turkey with," Leah retorted.

"Girls, stop bickering and help me get this dinner ready!" Susan ordered.

Dani and Leah traded jobs, since Leah was much faster at peeling potatoes than Dani was. Robin worked at opening cans of peas and carrots with an electric can opener that couldn't decide whether to work or not, while Susan checked the turkey every five minutes. Every so often, one of the men would poke his head into the kitchen and ask, "Isn't it ready yet?"

"Get out of my kitchen!" Susan invariably screamed. After she hit Jason in the face with a chunk of biscuit dough, the interruptions stopped.

Dani was putting the last potatoes into the pot when Denise and Anna ran up from the family room. "Mommy, Sean's crying!" Anna said.

"Sean's crying!" Denise repeated.

"Where is he?" Dani asked. She rinsed her hands.

"Downstairs," Anna said. "They wouldn't let him come up."

"Who wouldn't?" demanded Leah.

"The cousins," Denise said.

"Which cousins?" Robin asked.

"The mean ones."

"R.T. and Shane," said Anna. "And Allie."

"Allie wouldn't let Sean come upstairs?" Leah said. "I think I'll go have a word with them."

"I'd better go too," Dani said. "Susan, can you do without us for a couple minutes?"

"Of course I can," Susan said indignantly. "I'm not helpless, you know."

Dani and Leah followed the little girls downstairs. Sean was standing in a corner, crying. Allie and two boys were laughing at him. "Crybaby, crybaby," Allie chanted.

"That's enough!" said Leah in a loud voice.

The three kids jumped. Dani picked Sean up. "What's the matter, Sweetie?" she asked him.

"They mean!" Sean sobbed.

"They said he's not their cousin, so he can't be in the club," Anna said.

"Tattletale!" one of the boys shouted at her.

"Quiet!" Leah commanded. "What club?"

"The Cousins Club," Allie said. "You have to be a Sheridan or a Sheridan cousin to be in it. Sean ain't a-"

"Don't even finish that sentence," Leah said. Allie clapped her hand over her mouth. "You listen to me, the three of you," Leah continued. "First of all, Sean's a lot younger than you. That makes it bad enough for you to pick on him. But telling him that he isn't one of your cousins is just plain cruel. As long as Sean is living with Dani and Jason, he is part of this family. You had all better remember that. Now, apologize to him."

"Sorry, Sean," the three kids mumbled.

"Good. Now you can go sit on the stairs till dinner's ready," Leah said.

"Thank you, Auntie," Sean said as the three cousins sulked over to the stairs. 

"You're welcome," said Leah, kissing the top of his head. "You have a good time with your other cousins. Dani and I have to go finish helping with dinner."

Leah started up the stairs. Dani put Sean down, but he grabbed her leg. "Mommy, I go with you?" he asked.

"No, Honey," Dani said. "You need to stay here and play. We're very busy in the kitchen, and there are so many hot things that I'm afraid you'd get hurt."

"You can play with us, Sean," Denise said. "You're our cousin."

"Yeah!" Anna said. "And you're my brother. We can have our own club."

"Yeah!" Denise agreed.

Dani went back upstairs. "Thanks, Leah," she said.

"No problem," Leah replied. "I was adopted, don't forget. I know how cruel kids can be, and they aren't going to talk to Sean like that in front of me. I can't believe Allie was in on it."

"What happened?" Robin wanted to know.

Dani and Leah told her. "So now Sean and the girls are going to start a club," Dani finished.

"I think it was just a pick-on-the-new-kid kind of thing," Susan said.

"Maybe," Leah said. "But it was too cruel to ignore. Speaking of ignoring, Ma, isn't that smoke coming off that burner?"

"Shit!" yelled Susan, grabbing the pot of onions, which had boiled dry.

* * *

After another hour and a couple more minor mishaps in the kitchen, dinner was finally ready. The turkey was set in the center of the dining room table for Carl to carve. The rest of the food was laid out, buffet style, on the kitchen table. Dani took Melanie and her carrier into Carl and Susan's bedroom. She gave Melanie a bottle, then set the carrier on the floor beside the bed so the baby could nap. 

When she was finally able to return to the party, Dani was relieved to find that Jason had dished up food for Anna and Sean. "Little Bit asleep?" Jason asked.

"Almost," Dani replied. "How she can sleep with all this noise, I'll never know, but she manages."

"I was going to get a plate ready for you, too," Jason said, "but I wasn't sure what you wanted."

"That's all right," Dani said. She kissed him. "Thanks for thinking of it."

After she had gotten some food, Dani joined Robin, Leah, and a couple of Jason's cousins. "Dani, I heard about your new kid," said Shannon, one of the cousins. "How's it going?"

"All right," Dani said. "We're all adjusting."

"How'd you end up with him, anyway?" Shannon asked.

Dani sighed, and told the story for what felt like the millionth time. "But there could be a problem now, because apparently his mother's back in town," she finished.

"Who's his mother?" asked Corinne, the other cousin.

"Her name's Julie Ryan."

"Wait a minute," Shannon said. "Your kid's father that died was Ben Mills?"

"Yes," said Dani, surprised.

"Watch out, Dani. Julie's a real bitch when she wants something. She had a couple of her guy friends threaten Ben when he sued for custody. She's not going to be impressed- wait a minute. Was your maiden name Phillips?"

"Yes."

"You might be in deep shit, then," Shannon said. "She used to bitch about you all the time, saying you were trying to take Ben away from her and shit like that."




A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 06



"Dani was already married to Jason when Julie was with Ben," Robin said. "Why would she even know Dani's maiden name?"

"Ben always introduced me to his friends as Dani Phillips, even after I got married," Dani said. "Why, is anyone's guess. He always said he couldn't remember his own name, so I shouldn't expect him to remember my married name."

"Yeah, well, Julie knew you were married, but it didn't matter," Shannon said. "She used to talk about if she ever caught you near Ben, she'd beat the shit out of you. Making you Sean's guardian, Ben couldn't have pissed Julie off more if he'd killed the kid."

"Don't worry, Dani," Leah said. "If Julie's even stupid enough to try something, we'll stick behind you."

"Thanks," Dani said. "I'm not really worried about her beating me up or anything. It would be a good thing if she did, actually, because then I could have her arrested and put a restraining order against her. What I'm worried about is her suing us for custody."

"Don't worry about that either," Shannon said. "Unless she's changed a whole lot since I knew her, she hasn't got a chance in hell of getting the kid back."

"I hope you're right," Dani said.

Phyllis, looking lost, joined the group. "What are we talking about?" she asked.

"Julie," Dani replied. "Shannon used to know her. Oh, Phyllis, these are Jason's cousins, Shannon and Corinne, and did you meet my sisters, Robin and Leah? This is Phyllis, Ben's stepmother."

"I think we met a couple of times at Ben and Julie's apartment," Shannon said. "Sorry to hear about Ben, Phyllis."

"Thank you," Phyllis said. "Now, what about Julie?"

"Shannon was just telling us how much Julie hates Dani," Leah said.

"Well, that is the truth," Phyllis admitted. "When I was around, if Ben even mentioned your name to me, Julie'd fly right off the handle."

"Great," Dani said. "That's really encouraging."

"She'll leave you alone, if she has any brain," Robin said.

"I don't think she has any brain," Shannon said. "She did too many drugs."

"I wouldn't worry," Phyllis said. "Julie always struck me as all bark and no bite."

"She didn't look much like a dog, though," Corinne said.

"No, but she used to tell me how much she liked getting laid doggy-style," leered Shannon. Everyone laughed, and the conversation degenerated into talk about sex.

* * *

Since it was an open house, people came and went when they wanted. When Dani, Jason, Phyllis, and the kids left that night at nine, the place was still packed. Melanie was already asleep in her car seat; Sean and Anna fell asleep as Jason navigated around the parked cars to get out of his parents' driveway. "Mom said she's going to throw everyone out by midnight," Jason said as they drove to Phyllis's to drop her off.

"She says that every year," Dani said. "She never does it."

"Well, Dad kept coming up behind her and groping her, so maybe she'll follow through this year. Did you enjoy yourself, Phyllis?"

"Well, your family's definitely a friendly bunch," Phyllis said. "I knew a couple of them."

"Everyone always knows someone in this family," Jason said.

"That's for sure," Dani said. "One of your cousins used to be friends with Julie."

"Which cousin?" Jason asked.

"Shannon." She told him what Shannon had said. "I'm not really worried for myself," she said. "I certainly can't take Ben away from her now. But if she's still that vindictive, I can't imagine what she might do to get custody of Sean."

"I wouldn't worry about it," Phyllis said.

"I wish I could manage not to," Dani said. "But as long as Julie's around, I'm going to worry about what she's going to do."

"Well, don't worry about it tonight," Jason advised. "We've had too much to eat to get depressed."

They dropped Phyllis off and went home. It was almost ten thirty when they carried the kids inside and put them in their beds. Not even Anna woke up. "Thank God that's over," Dani said. She began undressing for her shower.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jason seemed unsure whether to laugh or be offended.

"Jason, you know I love your family, but all of them at once always overwhelms me. And even though I know the kids are safe there, I hate not knowing where they are."

"Better get used to that, because it will happen a lot more as they get older." He hesitated. "Did Shannon say anything about Julie that might help us?"

"Not really," Dani said. "Just how much Julie used to party, which we already knew. And how much Julie hates me."

"Hates you? Why?"

"Same reason you always hated Ben. Jealousy."

"I never said I hated Ben," Jason said defensively.

"You never needed to."

"I'm sorry," Jason said. "I don't want to argue. Let's drop it for now."

"Okay," Dani agreed. She finished undressing and headed for the bathroom.

Jason grabbed her arm gently as she started to leave the room. "Just where do you think you're going?"

"To take my shower." Dani removed his hand from her arm.

"You stand in front of me completely naked, then leave me here by myself? How can you do that to me?"

"I didn't say you had to stay here."

"So I could join you in the shower?"

"If you want to."

He did. They spent about half an hour in the shower, fondling each other. They even tried to fuck, but gave up when Dani couldn't keep her balance. After drying off, they went to bed and finished what they'd started. And then fell asleep.

Dani had only been sleeping an hour when she woke suddenly, short of breath and sweating. Unable to remember what had awakened her, she got up and made her usual middle-of-the-night circuit: into the girl's room, hand on Melanie's chest to make sure the baby was breathing, put the blanket back over Anna; into Sean's room, close the closet door to keep the monster inside, take the pillow off Sean's face (Dani had yet to figure out why he slept that way); downstairs to make sure that the cats hadn't destroyed anything and that no one was breaking in. It wasn't until she went into the kitchen to turn off a light that had been left on that she remembered the dream that had awakened her.

Standing outside in the moonlight, Dani saw Ben in front of her. But when she reached out to touch him, he was gone. "You can't have me now," his voice said from nowhere. "Julie took me away. You let her do it."

"No," Dani said. "A car accident took you away from me."

"Look again," said Ben's voice.

Dani was standing in the middle of the road. A white station wagon, which Dani recognized as Ben's, rounded a curve. Suddenly, another car seemed to come out of nowhere. In the strange manner of dreams, Dani recognized the driver of the second car as Julie, although the driver looked nothing like the way Julie had been described. The driver, in fact, looked like a skeleton, with a grinning, luminescent green skull that turned its gaze on Dani as the car struck Ben's broadside, pushing it into a tree.

It was the sound of the crash that had awakened Dani.



A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 07



Dani slipped her feet into her sneakers and went outside. She had to make sure that the crash she had heard really had been the one in her dream, and not an accident on the road outside. She found just what she had expected to: nothing. When she went back to the house, Jason was standing at the door. "What are you doing?" he demanded. "It's the middle of the night!"

"I-I thought I heard something," Dani said.

"Dani, it could have been a burglar or something! You don't just wander around outside in the middle of the night! What if someone attacked you?"

"I thought I heard a car accident. I don't think an accident victim would be inclined to attack me."

"I didn't hear anything," said Jason.

"There was no accident," Dani replied. "I had a nightmare, and what woke me up was a car crash. But I guess it was a crash in my nightmare, because there's nothing outside."

Jason put his arms around her. "Why didn't you wake me up if you had a nightmare?" he asked.

"Because you always tell me to wake you if I have a nightmare, and you never wake up."

"Well, do you want to talk about it?"

"It was about Ben," Dani said, going to the couch. "About his accident. I dreamed that Julie ran him off the road."

"You know that isn't what really happened," Jason said.

"Yes, I know. But I also know that when I have dreams like that, there's usually some truth in them somewhere. Maybe Ben had the accident because Julie was trying to take Sean away from him again, and he was thinking about that instead of his driving. Plus, in the dream, he said, 'Julie took me away. You let her do it.' Maybe it's a warning that Julie is going to fight us for custody of Sean."

Jason had always accepted that Dani seemed to have some kind of psychic ability, and he usually didn't argue when she said things like this. But at this time of night, he was considerably less tolerant than usual. "Dani, you're getting obsessed with this whole thing," he said. "I'm going back to bed. You coming?"

"In a minute."

"Fine. Whatever."

He stomped back upstairs. Dani curled up on the couch, hugging herself. The nightmare had been too realistic for her to dismiss. When he was alive, Ben and she had had almost a telepathic link. One of them would think of the other, and the other would phone; one of them would need help, and the other would show up already knowing the problem. Why couldn't that link have survived Ben's death? If Ben was in Heaven, and was worried about Sean, why couldn't he try to contact her to warn her about Julie?

Dani woke the next morning still on the couch. She had had no more nightmares, but she knew as soon as she woke that her interpretation of the one she had had was correct.

* * *

"Legally, she does have a case," Martin Franklin told her later that morning.

Dani had called Franklin as soon as his office was open. At her insistence, he had made a time to meet with her. "I thought she lost custody because she was an unfit mother," Dani said.

"That's right." Franklin shuffled some papers on his desk. "But that was over a year ago, and her circumstances may have changed. With Ben gone, Julie is Sean's only biological parent, and if she can prove that her parenting skills have improved- say she's gone to parenting classes or something- the court would most likely give custody to her because she is Sean's mother."

"Is there anything we can do?" Dani asked.

"Pray very hard that Julie decides not to fight you. And if she does sue for custody, give me a call. I'll be glad to help you."

"Thank you, Mr. Franklin."

Sean and Anna were in the yard, pelting each other with fallen leaves, when Dani got home. Neither of them was wearing a coat. "Anna, where's your father?" Dani asked.

"In the house. He's sleeping."

"Does he know you two are out here?"

Both children looked guilty. "No," Anna admitted.

"Then I guess you'd better go to your rooms and sit on your beds till I come in to talk to you. Has Daddy been up at all?"

"He gived us breakfus," Sean said.

"He swinged Melanie," Anna added. "Then he laid on the couch and he went to sleep."

"Okay. Get inside, now."

Jason woke up when the kids slammed the door. "What's going on?" he asked groggily.

"Our older daughter and our son were outside with no coats, throwing things at each other," Dani said. She deliberately neglected to mention that the "things" had been leaves.

"Well, where were you?" Jason asked angrily. "I got up and you were gone."

"I left you a note. In fact, I left you two notes, because when I only leave you one, you never see it."

"Where did you leave the notes?"

"I left one on the kitchen table, and the other one taped to the bathroom mirror."

Jason went and looked on the kitchen table. Sure enough, covered with milk and mashed bananas, Dani's note was there. "Okay, you left me a note," he said. "Sorry I got mad. So where were you?"

"I went to see Martin Franklin. I wanted to see what our chances were if Julie did sue us for custody."

"And?"

"And, not good. If we can't prove that she's unfit, she'll automatically get custody because she's Sean's biological parent."

"We'll do everything we can," Jason said helplessly.

"But it probably won't be enough. That's what I was trying to tell you about my nightmare last night."

"I know. And I know that your dreams usually mean something. But can't your subconscious be wrong this time?"

"I don't know. I hope so."

"Mommy! Can we come down yet?" Anna called.

"You and Sean better be in your own rooms!" Dani replied.

There was a scurry of movement from upstairs as whichever child had been out of their room ran back. "We are!" Anna called a moment later.

Dani and Jason looked at each other and laughed. "What are they being punished for, anyway?" Jason asked.

"I told you. They were outside with no coats on, throwing things at each other. And since you were asleep, and I wasn't home, they obviously didn't have permission to be out there."

"We come down?" Sean called.

"No, Sean, not yet!" Dani replied.

"Anna, stop getting Sean to do your dirty work!" Jason added.

"It isn't dirty work! I'm clean!"

"Me, too!" Sean said.

"You're right," Jason said to Dani when they had finally stopped laughing.

"About what?"

"We can't let Julie take Sean. We wouldn't have as much to laugh about."

* * *

That night while Jason was at work, the call finally came. The phone rang at quarter to ten. Dani, who was getting ready for bed, almost didn't answer; she couldn't imagine who would be calling her that late. Then she realized who it must be, and picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

"Is this Dani Sheridan?"

"Yes."

"Are you happy now? You always wanted to get him away from me."

"Who is this?" Dani asked.

"You know Goddamn good and well who this is."

"Yes, I do. How are you, Julie?"

"How can you even act like this?" Julie demanded.

"What do you mean?" Dani was beginning to think, from the sound of her voice, that Julie was drunk.

"Like you don't give a shit. You weren't happy with taking Ben away?"

"You left Ben for another guy, Julie. I never took him away from you."

"You always wanted what I had. You aren't getting away with it, bitch."

"Julie what are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about, you have my son. And I want him back."

"Good luck with that." Dani hung up.

* * *

To Dani's relief, the rest of the weekend passed with no further contact from Julie. On Monday morning, Dani went back to work, warning Jason to be careful answering the phone. "I don't think she'd threaten me," Jason said. "I'm not the one she had it in for when she was with Ben."

"That's comforting, Jason," Dani said sarcastically.

"I was trying to make a joke," Jason sighed. "Seriously, if you're right, she was drunk when she called you, and that's probably why she was making threats. If she really wants custody of Sean, she must realize that she's going to have to at least act sane."

"Who wants Sean?" asked Anna.

Dani and Jason hadn't realized that Anna was listening. Dani felt that Anna deserved a truthful answer, but she didn't have time to explain at the moment. "It's kind of complicated, Anna," she said. "You and I'll talk about it when I get home."

"Okay," Anna agreed.

Jason walked Dani out to the van. "Are you really going to tell Anna what's going on?" he asked.

"I'm hoping that she'll forget by the time I get home. But if she asks again, I'll tell her. Not the whole story, just something about how Sean's Mommy and Daddy didn't live together, and Sean lived with his Daddy, and now his Mommy wants him to live with her."

"I guess that won't be too hard for her," Jason said. "I just hope you know what you're doing."

"So do I," Dani said.

* * *

Dani had some trouble at work that day. Her mind was on Sean, and she made several mistakes on order forms. Finally, her supervisor took her aside. "Dani, you've shown yourself to be a good worker," he said. "I'm assuming today is just a fluke. But if you keep up this way, we'll have to let you go. This is a temporary job, but it's an important one, and we can't afford mistakes like the ones you've made today."

"I'm sorry," Dani said. "My mind's somewhere else today. I'll try to do better."

"Like I said, I'm assuming this is a fluke. Whatever's on your mind, I hope the situation improves. But right now, you have a job to do, and that's where your mind needs to be."

Dani went back to her phone. Although she still found it difficult to pay much attention to her job, she managed to get through the last hour with no problems.

When she got home, Jason was pacing. This was usually a bad sign. "Where are the kids?" Dani asked.

"Upstairs."

"What's wrong?"

"Rebecca Perry called. I asked her who the hell she thought she was, taking Sean to see Julie without telling us. She said she didn't need our permission. When I told her that since we're his guardians, she sure as hell does need our permission, she said, 'Well, that won't be the case for long.' Then she hung up on me."

"Julie didn't call, did she?"

"No. If she had, God only knows what I would have done. But I think you were right, Dani. I think we are going to have a fight on our hands."

"I know," Dani said. "Will you do something for me?"

"What?"

"Pray with me?"

Jason nodded, and Dani took his hands. "Heavenly Father, we thank You for sending us Sean, and for giving him and us the strength to deal with the loss of Ben. We ask now that you let Sean stay with us, Lord, that if it's Your will, we keep custody of him. And if that isn't Your will, Lord, then we ask for the strength to deal with that. Amen."

"Amen," Jason said. "What do you mean, if that isn't His will?"

"I don't know," Dani said. "Just covering all the bases, I guess."

"Well, if what Shannon told us about Julie is true, she won't get custody. What do you actually know about Julie, anyway?"

"She looks a lot like you," Ben said when Dani asked about Julie.

"A lot like me when I was thin, you mean." At five months pregnant, Dani had already put on thirty pounds.

"You're having a baby. You're supposed to gain weight, so don't start that shit. Anyway, she reminds me of you in some of her actions and things she says."

Does anyone else see anything Freudian in this? Dani thought, but she had kept her mouth shut. "Anything else?"

"Keep quiet about this. She has some problems with drugs and alcohol. I won't let her do it around me, since I'm trying to stay clean, but I think she's still into it. I told her I won't stay with her if she keeps it up."

"Then why are you still with her?"

"Because I think I can change her."

Obviously, Ben's attempts at changing Julie had failed. "I don't know much," Dani told Jason. "Just that she's always been kind of a partier."

"She sure doesn't sound like someone I'd pick for a mother."

"Me, neither. So, are you a little calmer now?"

"Yeah, I guess. You can bring the kids down, if you want."

"Did they have lunch yet?"

"Yeah. Melly's due for a bottle in half an hour."

"That's plenty of time," Dani said.

"For what?" Jason asked.

"To see how sturdy that couch your parents gave us is."

The loving had its desired effect: it calmed Jason down and took both their minds off their problems for a little while. Afterward, they let the kids come back downstairs. Dani sat on the couch, watching them play, while Jason got ready for work. She couldn't keep her eyes off Sean. Despite what she had told Jason, she knew now that they would lose him. The feeling she had had when they first met the Perrys was stronger than ever. Dani tried to convince herself that she was just getting carried away with worrying, but she knew she was lying to herself. The question was, how much time did they have left before everything came crashing down?

* * *

Dani called Phyllis that night after the kids were in bed. "I just needed to talk," she said when Phyllis answered the phone. "You're the one I think is most likely to understand."

"That's fine," Phyllis said. "What's the matter?"

Dani told Phyllis about the phone calls from Julie and Rebecca. "Phyllis, I don't know what I'll do if the court takes Sean away from us. Losing Ben was hard enough, but I think this would be worse."

"First of all, you need to settle yourself," Phyllis said firmly. "Now, listen to me. Even if Julie did get custody, the court would probably give you visitation, at least to make things easier for Sean. If they don't, maybe you and Jason could work something out with Julie on your own. I don't think God would put Sean with you just to turn around and take him away again."

"The Lord works in mysterious ways," Dani said bitterly.

"Maybe so. But He looks out for His children. Have faith, Dani. It'll all work out."

* * *

That was what Pastor Matt said when Dani called him the next day. "All of us have gotten to love that little boy, just like we do all the children at church," he said. "Sean's part of our church family as well as part of your family. We'll pray that things come out all right for you."

"Thank you, Matt," Dani said. "I'll keep you posted on what happens."

She hung up. "Why did you call him?" Jason asked. He had only been going to church since Melanie's birth, and it was sometimes still hard for him to accept the idea of turning to the church for support.

"Because prayer might help, and we can use all the help we can get," Dani replied.

"Nobody called today," Jason pointed out.

"They will."

Jason threw the TV remote across the room, startling Dani. "I'm getting sick of this gloom and doom! Dani, why can't you stop talking about this!"

"Ignoring something-"

"Doesn't make it go away, I know. I know that! But I don't want to think about losing Sean! I don't want to hear about it! So can you please just shut up about it for five lousy minutes!"

"Jason mad?" asked Sean.

Dani and Jason stared at him. A moment ago, he had been outside. "Jason's not mad at you," Jason said.

"You mad at Mommy?"

"No, Sean. I'm not mad at Mommy."

"You yelling," the boy pointed out.

"Yes, I am," Jason agreed. "But I'm not mad at Mommy. I'm mad about something that happened. Sometimes when grownups get mad, they yell at someone even if that isn't the person they're mad at."

"Like when you got mad because your truck broke, and you yelled at Melanie even though she wasn't the one who broke it," Dani added.

"Oh," said Sean. "Don't yell no more, Jason. Mommy didn't break nothing."

Jason smiled. "Okay. I won't yell anymore."

"Did you need something, Sean?" Dani asked.

"I need go potty."

"Go ahead," Jason said. As soon as Sean was out of the room, he told Dani, "I can't deal with having to explain this stuff to him, Dani."

"I'm sorry," Dani said. "I'm just so worried about it. I want to talk about it, because I hope that talking will make me worry less. But it doesn't work."

"I know," Jason said. "I'm sorry I blew up at you. Forgive me?"

"Of course I do," Dani said. She gave him a hug.

"That better," said Sean, on his way back outside. "Yelling not nice. Hugging nice."

"Then I guess we'd better hug you," said Jason. He handed Sean to Dani, then put his arms around both of them. "Sean sandwich!"

"What about me?" demanded Anna, who had come in looking for Sean.

Jason picked her up and held her so she and Sean could hug each other. "Sean and Anna sandwich!" Anna said.

"What about Melanie?" Sean asked.

Dani put him down and got Melanie out of her bouncy seat. She handed her to Jason, and picked Sean up again. Sean reached over and put one arm around Melanie's shoulders. "Melanie sandwich!"

"Tossed salad!" said Jason. He jiggled the girls, then pretended to fall. He gently tossed Melanie into the air, then set her down and tossed Anna. Then he did the same to Sean. All three kids dissolved into giggles as Jason tossed them again and again.

Dani watched, a smile on her face. She blinked to keep back the tears that were threatening. How much longer would they be able to have times like this together?

* * *

It was a strange separation. Ben's body, battered almost beyond recognition, hung out the window of his station wagon. Ben himself, however, slowly walked to where Dani stood. "Did you see?" he asked.

"Did you bring me back here?" Dani asked. "Or did I do it myself?"

"Six of one, half dozen of the other. You know we were always two sides of the same coin."

An oversized quarter slowly flipped through the air. "Heads you win, tails I lose," Ben said. "But both of us lose if Julie wins."

"Is this real, Ben?" Dani asked.

"Reality is in the mind of the beholder." It had always been one of his favorite phrases. "That's something you'll have to decide for yourself."

"Who really caused your accident?"

"Don't ask what you already know, Dani." He looked around, appearing to listen to someone or something. "I have to go now," he said. "Sean will be all right. So will you. Just maybe not the way you think."

"If Julie-"

"Don't ask what you already know. I can't stay. You need to wake up now."

Ben's voice faded with the last sentence, and Dani was awake.

It was three a.m. Dani made her circuit, then fixed herself a cup of hot chocolate. She doubted she would be able to sleep again that night. She sat on the couch and turned on the TV, but all that was on at that time of day were movies she didn't want to see and infomercials, so she turned it off again. She wanted to keep her mind off her dream, but evidently someone had different plans. "All right, Ben," she said softly. "Tell me what to do."

She wasn't really expecting an answer, What happened next almost convinced her that if she wasn't still dreaming, she must be going insane. The phone book was lying in the center of the coffee table. Although Dani didn't even touch the table, the book suddenly fell to the floor, landing open and face up. When Dani bent to pick up the book, the first name she saw on the open page was Martin Franklin's. She replaced the book on the table. As she did so, the alarm clock radio, which was in the kitchen because Jason had been trying to fix it, came on with what seemed to be a newscast. Dani heard two words: "Pre-emptive strike." Then the radio fell silent again.

"You're right, Ben," Dani said aloud when her heartbeat had slowed to normal.

* * *

When Jason came downstairs a few hours later, he blinked to be sure he was in the right place. Dani, lacking anything to do after the "message" from Ben, had cleaned the entire downstairs. She had even mopped the kitchen floor and vacuumed the living room, two chores that were usually left to Jason. "What happened?" Jason asked.

Dani finished drying the dish she was holding and put it in the cupboard. "I've been up since three. I didn't have anything better to do."




A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 07



"Since three? Why?"

"I had another nightmare. Well, I guess it wasn't really a nightmare, just kind of strange."

"Was it Ben again?"

"Yes, it was definitely Ben." Dani pushed past him and picked up the clock radio. "Did you fix this yesterday?"

"No," said Jason. "I didn't have a chance before work. Why, does it work again?"

"I thought I heard it this morning."

Jason took it from her and examined it. "You must have been imagining it," he said. "It isn't even plugged in." He sat down at the table. "The kids aren't up yet?"

"Melanie was," Dani said. "I heard her a few minutes ago, but I wanted to finish the dishes. I don't know about Anna and Sean. Maybe they're sleeping in."

"Any trouble getting them to bed last night?"

"I let them stay up to watch one of the Christmas specials. So that would explain it."

She had no sooner said this than they heard what sounded like a herd of elephants coming down the stairs. Anna and Sean appeared, both still in their pajamas. "Mommy! Daddy! There's a dinosaur in my room!" Anna shouted.

"There a alien in mine!" Sean added.

"A dinosaur and an alien?" Dani said. "Sounds like we're being invaded. Is Melanie awake yet, Anna?"

"No, she's sleeping. But that dinosaur's gonna wake her up if we don't get him out of there!"

Jason looked away, hiding his laugh behind his hand. "Here's what you do," Dani said to the kids. "Anna, you go tell that dinosaur that if he's going to stay here, I want money from him to buy his food. He'll leave, because he doesn't have any money."

"What if he does?" Anna asked.

"He won't, because dinosaurs don't have any pockets to keep their wallets in. Sean, you go tell the alien that if he doesn't go away, Mommy's going to put him in time out."

"I did," Sean said. "He say he like time out."

"Then tell him I'll call his Mommy," Dani said. "Then he'll leave, because he took the spaceship without asking, and his Mommy will get real mad if she finds out about it."

"Come on, Sean!" Anna said. "Let's get rid of 'em!"

"Where do you come up with that stuff?" Jason asked Dani as the kids thundered back upstairs.

"I'm a Mommy. I have to have an imagination."

"You have to be weird, you mean."

"That too."

"You'd better get going," Jason said. "You're going to be late for work."

Dani hadn't realized what time it was. She had only forty-five minutes to get to work. It was a half-hour drive, and she wasn't dressed yet. "Can you handle the troops?" she asked Jason.

"Sure. I'll just wait on my shower till you get home. Are you coming home right after work?"

"I might go see Martin Franklin."

"The lawyer? What for?"

"We're going to launch a pre-emptive strike," Dani said as she headed upstairs to get dressed.

"A what?"

"I'll explain later."

* * *

As soon as her shift was over, Dani phoned Franklin. "I was expecting you to call," the lawyer said.

"Why's that?" Dani asked.

"Strange as it may sound, I had a dream. Something about a 'pre-emptive strike.' I'm not usually a superstitious man, but-"

"But something wouldn't let you ignore this," Dani finished for him.

"Exactly. So what can I do for you, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Help me with that pre-emptive strike, Mr. Franklin. My husband and I are tired of just sitting around, waiting for Julie to sue us for custody of Sean. We want to make the first move. We'd like to adopt Sean."

"There will have to be a hearing. There's a lot more involved than you might think. Julie would have to sign over her rights, and I doubt that she's likely to do that."

"So do I," Dani said. "We want a hearing. Julie has called us twice that we're aware of. The first time, she left a message that I didn't respond to. The second time, she was drunk and threatened me. Her mother has also threatened that they'll take Sean away from us. But we haven't heard anything other than those threats, and we don't want to wait around anymore till they decide what they want to do. If Julie won't sign over her rights, it will go to court. If it goes to court, Julie either shows up or forfeits her rights, is that the way it works?"

"She'd have more than one chance to show up, but that's essentially the way it works, yes," Franklin said.

"Good. So we hope she doesn't show up. If she does, the court will either give her custody or terminate her rights based on the testimony. Either way, at least we won't be sitting around waiting anymore."

"Mrs. Sheridan, should I assume that this will be another case of your husband going along with your wishes? I get the sense that you haven't fully discussed this with him."

"I'm not sure what gave you that idea, Mr. Franklin, but you're right. Jason and I have agreed that we want to adopt Sean, but I haven't spoken with him yet about taking it to court before Julie does."

"If you don't mind my asking, why did you call me without speaking to him about it?"

"Mr. Franklin, I had a dream last night very similar to yours. Unlike you, I am normally a superstitious person, and I know better than to ignore dreams like that when I have them. I know Jason will agree with me when we do discuss it, but I wanted to get in touch with you as soon as I could so we could get the procedure started."

"All right, Mrs. Sheridan. Unfortunately, I'm booked for the rest of the day, and most of the morning tomorrow. Can you and Mr. Sheridan be at my office tomorrow afternoon at two?"

"That would be perfect, Mr. Franklin. And please, call us Dani and Jason."

"Then please call me Martin. Since we're going to be working together on this, I think last names are too formal."

"All right, then, Martin," Dani said. "We'll see you tomorrow."

* * *

It wasn't until just before Jason left for work that Dani finally told him what she had done. "I thought we were waiting for Julie to make the first move," Jason said.

"I thought you wanted to adopt Sean," Dani replied.

"I do. But-" Realization, born of five years of marriage, dawned. "Dani, how much does this have to do with that dream you told me you had?"

"Everything." She hesitated. Even after five years, she could never be sure how much Jason would be willing to believe. "Jason, after I woke up from that dream, I came downstairs. You'll probably say I was still dreaming, but I wasn't. The phone book opened up to Martin Franklin's name, and that clock radio that wasn't even plugged in came on and a newscaster or something said, 'Pre-emptive strike.' Ben, or God, or someone, wants us to start fighting for Sean before Julie does."

"Dani, I know about your dreams-"

"That part wasn't a dream, Jason!"

"All right, all right. Anyway, I know when you tell me stuff like this, there's a reason for it. But are you sure this is the right thing for us to do?"

The Oldsmobile was warming up in the driveway, and Jason, as usual, had the window open and the radio cranked. As soon as he asked Dani this question, the radio started playing a song called, "I Wanna Be There." Ben had quoted this song to Dani many times. The fact that it was a rock song, and the Oldsmobile's radio was tuned to a country station, did not escape Dani's notice. "I'm positive," she told Jason.



A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 08



It was difficult to coordinate the Christmas shopping that year. Since their first married Christmas, Jason and Dani had divided the shopping: Dani went by herself to shop for Jason and her parents, and Jason went by himself to shop for Dani and his parents. They went together to shop for Jason's brothers and their families. After Anna was born, they had also taken turns taking her out to get presents for each other.

Now, with three kids, it wasn't as easy. Melanie was too young to make any sense of what was going on, and it wouldn't matter if she saw presents that were bought for her because she wouldn't remember them once they were put away. The problem was what to do with Sean and Anna. Neither Dani nor Jason wanted to be the only one responsible for both kids in the holiday crowds they were likely to encounter. "What if one of us took Sean and went shopping for Anna," Jason suggested, "and the other one took Anna shopping for Sean, and then we could trade kids."

"But neither of them can keep secrets," Dani said. "They'd be telling each other what we buy. I think the best thing to do will be to get together with Robin and Steve, and they can help one of us with the kids while the other one goes off alone to shop for the kids."

Before they had a chance to talk to Robin and Steve about this idea, Phyllis called and suggested she go along on the shopping trip. "It'll be a chance for me to see Sean, and an extra pair of hands for you."

They agreed on Saturday for the trip. Jason had Friday night off, which meant that he would be able to get the necessary amount of sleep to handle shopping with two toddlers. "Don't worry," Dani told him. "Phyllis will help you."

"I'll tell you what I'm really worried about," Jason said. "What if we go out and get all these things for Sean, and the court gives him to Julie?"

"He'll still be here for Christmas, Jason," Dani said. Martin Franklin had called them the day before to let them know that the custody hearing would be on January fourth. "With a little luck and a lot of prayer, he'll be here after that."

"I'm still worried," Jason said.

"So am I."

"No mysterious contact from the other side lately?"

"I haven't had any more dreams about Ben, if that's what you mean. Not since the one last week that you still don't believe."

"I believe the dream, Dani. I just believe that all of it was a dream."

"Jason, I was sitting on the couch drinking hot chocolate when the phone book fell and the radio came on. How could I have been asleep?"

"It was three in the morning. Maybe you dozed off for a few seconds. Look, I don't want to argue about that. If you believe it happened, then it happened. It doesn't matter if I believe you or not."

"It matters to me," Dani said. "This is the first time you've ever not believed me about something like this. But you're right; I don't want to argue either. The point is that we're worried about losing Sean. Let's make a pact."

"What."

"Let's get through Christmas like a family. No worrying. On December twenty-sixth, we can start worrying again."

"I'll still worry," Jason said. 

"So will I," Dani admitted. "All right. We can worry, but we keep it to ourselves till after Christmas."

"All right."

Anna came downstairs. "Anna, why are you out of bed?" Jason asked.

"Sean's crying," Anna said. "He says that the monster in his closet's gonna take him away."

"I'll go up," Jason said.

"Mommy, who wants to take Sean?" Anna asked when her father had left the room.

"What do you mean, Anna?"

"Another day, you said someone wants Sean."

Dani cursed herself for underestimating her daughter. Anna had always tended to ask about things several days after they happened, but Dani had thought Anna might have forgotten about the conversation she had overheard. "Sean's Mommy wants him," she told Anna. "Sean's mommy and daddy didn't live together, and Sean lived with his daddy. Now that Sean's daddy is in Heaven, Sean's mommy wants Sean to live with her."

"I want Sean to live here forever," Anna said, close to tears.

"So do Daddy and I, sweetheart. That's why, after Christmastime is over, we're going to talk to someone, a judge, and ask if we can adopt Sean. Adopting means that Sean will be part of our family forever."

"Let's do it!" Anna said.

"Dani!" Jason called from upstairs.

Dani went up, trailed by Anna. Jason was standing in Sean's doorway. "He wants you," he said. "He talked to me a little, but now he wants you. Come on, Anna. Let's get you back to bed."

"I want to see if Sean's all right," Anna argued.

"Sean's fine, babe," Dani said. "You go with Daddy."

Sean was sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at the closet door. "Sean?" Dani said softly. The little boy turned to look at her. "Jason said you wanted me," Dani said.

"Daddy say you make monster go 'way," Sean said.

"Daddy said? You mean Jason?"

"No! Daddy! I have bad dream about monster. Daddy come and say, Dani make monster go 'way."

"Dear God," Dani whispered. In all this time, she hadn't realized that Sean, too, was seeing Ben in his dreams. "I can try," she said to Sean. "Did your daddy say how I should get rid of the monster?"

"No."

Dani opened the closet door. "Monster, go away!" She turned to Sean. "How's that?"

Sean shook his head. "Monster still there. She mean monster."

"She? I thought your monster was a he."

"No. It a other-Mommy monster. Me and Anna scream at her, but she don't go 'way."

Dani closed her eyes. Ben, help me figure this out, she thought. Then she knew what to say. "Other-Mommy monster, get out of Sean's closet. Sean's our little boy now. You can't have him. Go away!"

She turned back to Sean. He was nodding. "Monster all gone now," he said. "Night-night, Mommy Dani."

"Night-night, Sean." She kissed him on the forehead and left the room. Jason was waiting in the hall, looking at her questioningly. "Monster all gone," Dani said.

"How'd you manage that?" Jason asked.

"It's a long story."

"I don't have time for long stories tonight. I have a better idea of what to do with my night off."

Dani didn't even need to ask what his idea was.

* * *

The next morning, they left the house at nine for their shopping trip. Getting out of the house that early took some work, but it was worth it not to have to cope with the Christmas crowds that would hit the Mall around lunchtime. Phyllis met them at the Mall, as planned. Sean tried to tell her how Dani had gotten rid of the monster, but Phyllis stopped listening when Sean insisted his father had spoken to him. "I thought you believed in Heaven," Dani said to her.

Phyllis looked offended. "Of course I do!"

"And don't you believe that when someone goes to Heaven, they watch over their loved ones?"

"Well, yes."

"Then why is it so hard to accept that maybe when their loved ones are in trouble, angels might be able to speak to them?"

Phyllis looked at her strangely. "If I didn't know better," she said. "I'd say you actually believe Sean was talking to Ben last night."

"Maybe not when he was awake," Dani said. "But sometimes, people will say something 'just came to them' in a dream." She knew there wasn't any point in using her own experience to convince Phyllis that Ben was in contact with them. Phyllis would probably dismiss her as a lunatic.

"I suppose," Phyllis said reluctantly. "Ever since Sean could talk, he talks about knowing things that he couldn't really know. Maybe there's something there."

"Maybe," Dani agreed. She wondered, considering the connection she and Ben had always had, why it surprised her that Ben's son might have some kind of psychic ability.

"I wouldn't call it psychic," Ben said.

He and Dani had realized that they seemed to read each other's mind too often for it to be coincidence. "What would you call it, then?" Dani asked. 

"It's just a connection we have. We're like two sides of the same coin. Like soul mates."

"Soul mates?"

"I think so," Ben said seriously. "We're part of each other. That's why we can read each other's minds. Because we're sort of the same person, just in two separate bodies. Am I making any sense, or am I just stoned?"

"If you're stoned, I am too," Dani said. "It makes perfect sense to me."

"You can't be stoned," Ben said. "You aren't smoking."

"I know. And I wish you wouldn't either. If you want to destroy yourself, at least wait till I'm out of the room."

"All right." He opened the window and threw the still-lit joint out onto the driveway. "I wouldn't do that for just anyone, you know," he said. "Only my soul mate."

"Let's go shopping!" Anna said excitedly, bringing Dani back to the present.

* * *

For the first hour and a half, Jason went off by himself while Dani and Phyllis took the kids to buy presents for Jason and for Dani's parents. Then they traded off; Jason went with Phyllis and the kids to get gifts for Dani and for Jason's parents. After another hour and a half, they got together to find things for Jason's brothers and their families.

They left the Mall at about one, and followed Phyllis to a restaurant she had suggested for lunch. "Dani, have you had any dreams about Ben lately?" Phyllis asked while they waited for their orders.

Jason seemed about to answer, but Dani gave him a look that made him shut his mouth. "To be honest, I have," she said. "Several times."

"Me, too," said Sean.

"Sean, please don't interrupt," Phyllis said. "Dani, do you really believe those dreams were Ben trying to contact you from the great beyond? Or do you think they were just dreams?"

Her tone suggested that a sane person would agree with the latter choice. Although Dani had questioned her own sanity a few times lately, she knew the dreams for what they were, and said so. "I don't know for sure if it was Ben directly," she replied. "But I do know that the dreams have given me warnings and messages about things that I'm sure Ben would want me to know. And Ben was in the dreams."

Phyllis didn't respond right away; Dani was sure for a moment that the woman was about to get up and leave. Then Phyllis said slowly, "Ben always insisted that you and he had some kind of bond. I saw myself more than once where he'd say something like, 'Dani'll be calling in a minute,' and a minute or so later, you would call. It even happened when he hadn't spoken to you for a few days or even weeks, so I know he hadn't been told that you were going to call. Sean used to do the same thing, saying his Daddy'd be home early and then Ben would pull in the driveway, that type of thing. I never believed in telepathy or mind reading or any of that, and I never really thought about someone talking to their loved ones from Heaven. But knowing Ben as I did, I can't deny that if anyone could do something like that, it would be him."

"Have you dreamed about him, Phyllis?" Dani asked.

Phyllis hesitated, then nodded. "Just once."

"Can I ask what he said to you?"

"He told me to help you all I can, and to watch out for the monster in the closet. I didn't know what that meant, till today."

* * *

Dani had always considered herself lucky that both her and Jason's families lived nearby. They had never had to argue about where to spend the holidays. They always went to the Thanksgiving open house at Carl and Susan's; Dani's parents were always invited as well, but they didn't usually go. Carl and Susan insisted on holding their Christmas celebration on Christmas Eve; it was the easiest time to get Jason, his brothers, and the grandchildren together, and it left Christmas Day free for them to spend alone. Dani and Jason were then able to go to Dani's parents' on Christmas Day. They were looking forward to sharing the family festivities this year with Sean.

About a week before Christmas, however, Julie called. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" she demanded when Dani answered the phone.

"Happy holidays, Julie," Dani said calmly.

"You really think I'm going to give up my son? Especially to you?"

"Julie, I've never understood why you hate me. I admit, you might have a reason now, but not when you were with Ben. If I'd wanted to be with Ben, I wouldn't have married my husband." This was, of course, a lie, but it was for a good cause.

"Ben wanted to be with you," Julie said angrily. "He denied it, but he carried a picture of you all the time. One time in bed, he even called me Dani! And you ask why I hate you?"

"He loved you, Julie. He cried when he told me you were leaving him."

"Sure, because I was pregnant with his kid. Then he turns around and gives my kid to you!"

"He tried to find you, Julie," Dani said. She didn't know for sure whether or not this was true. "He didn't know where you were, and neither did your parents. They said you just left Sean with them and took off."

"Yeah, well, I'm back now. And my parents agree that you have no right to take my son away from me. This custody hearing is bullshit, and I'm not going to waste my time."

"If you don't show up for the hearing, you automatically lose custody," Dani pointed out.

"I know that, bitch! I'm not stupid! But I'm going to get my son back. And when I do, you won't be seeing him again."

Dani tried appealing to Julie's compassion, although she wasn't sure if the woman had any. "Julie, if we get custody of Sean, we'd want you to be able to see him," she said. "And if you get custody, I think it would make it easier for him if you let us see him, at least once in a while."

"I don't give a damn what you think."

"Julie, please. We've been looking after him since Ben died. He still hasn't gotten over losing his father. Do you want him to have to go through another loss?"

"He doesn't need you and your fucking family! He needs his mother! He's a little kid. He'll forget all about you. And I want him for Christmas."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, bitch. I want my son to spend Christmas with me. My lawyer says that I have the right to see him."

"Then your lawyer can have a talk with our lawyer about it." Dani finally lost her temper. "I'm done talking to you, Julie. The next time you call my house, I'm filing harassment papers. You don't give a shit about anyone but yourself. That was obvious when you screwed around on Ben while you were pregnant, and it was obvious when you dumped Sean on your parents so you could get drunk and get laid. You fucked up Ben's life, and, if it kills me, I will not let you fuck up Sean's!" She slammed down the phone, then unplugged it as it began to ring again.

* * *

Martin Franklin called the next day. "Julie Ryan's accusing you of harassing her," he informed Dani.

"Let her," Dani said. "My phone bill will prove that I didn't call her."

"I know," Martin said. "Her lawyer already checked into it. But she may use it to make you look bad in court, so watch your step. That isn't what I called about, anyway."

"What is it?" Dani asked with a sinking feeling.

"Julie wants Sean with her on Christmas. Now, I know that's the last thing you want, and I certainly can't blame you there. But the custody arrangement she had with Ben stipulated that she can have Sean on weekends and holidays."

"So we have to let her take him on Christmas?" Dani was close to tears. "Martin, we have everything all planned. Why didn't she spring this on us sooner?"

"I don't think that's what you're really upset about," Martin said.

"No, it isn't," Dani admitted. "What if she doesn't bring him back?"

"She will."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Two reasons. Number one, if she doesn't bring him back, it would mean a kidnapping charge, which is not a chance she can afford to take right now, and she knows it. Number two, since Julie and you aren't supposed to have any contact- which is why she's trying to pin that phone call on you- I've arranged to be the one to take Sean there and bring him back."

"Martin, that's wonderful! But isn't it a conflict of interest?"

"Possibly, but Julie's lawyer agreed to it. What were your plans for Christmas Day?"

"We usually open presents at home in the morning, then go to my parents' house."

"How about Christmas Eve?"

"Jason's parents'."

Dani could hear him shuffling papers at his end of the phone. "Where do Jason's parents live?"

"Portland."

"And your parents?"

"Westbrook."

"Perfect. I'll pick Sean up at yours' around- what time will you be there?"

"The party's usually from about six o'clock on."

"All right. I'll pick him up there at eight. Julie can have him overnight. That will show how serious she really is, if she'll choose to take her son instead of going to Christmas parties. Then I'll pick him up at her place Christmas morning, and have him at your parents' house around noon. Does that sound all right?"

"It sounds fine," Dani said. "But will Julie agree to it?"

"She won't have a choice."

* * *

Anna cried on Christmas Eve, and refused to go to sleep. Dani and Jason thought she was just overtired from the excitement at her grandparents', until Dani went to talk to her. "Anna, what is the matter?" Dani asked, exasperated. "You need to go to sleep."

"I miss Sean!" the little girl wailed.

"I know, Babe," Dani said. She hugged Anna. "But we'll see Sean tomorrow when we go to Grammy and Bubba's."

"No we won't!"

"Anna, what are you talking about? Of course we will."

"Uh, uh! Sean told me! He was bad, so the monster took him away!"

"Oh, Sweetheart, no! That isn't it at all! Sean's a good boy. And he isn't with a monster. He's with his mommy, his birth mommy. He's going to stay at her house tonight, then he'll be back with us tomorrow. I promise."

"Mommy, do I have a birth mommy?"

"I am your birth mommy, Sweetie. You came out of my belly."

"You're my only mommy?"

"That's right."

"If I'm bad, who's gonna take me away?"

This time, Dani couldn't hold back the tears. "Anna, I'm so sorry that this is scaring you," she said, wiping her eyes. "Nobody's going to take you away from us. No matter what, Daddy and I will always love you, and you're always going to be our daughter. Sean's birth mommy didn't take him away because he was bad. She just missed him and wanted him to spend part of Christmas with her."

"Sean says his birth mommy's bad," Anna said.

"She used to be," Dani said. "That's why Sean used to live with his daddy. But I think his birth mommy's a good mommy now, and that's why she wants to spend time with Sean."

"Will she take him away when you talk to the judge?"

"I hope not, babe." Dani wished she could say no, but she couldn't lie to her daughter. "I hope not."

"I hope not too."

Anna got out of bed. "What are you doing?" Dani asked.

"Praying." Anna knelt and closed her eyes. "Dear God, and Santa, too. Please don't let the monster take Sean away. And please don't let anyone take me and Melanie away. And please let me have my Barbie dollhouse for Christmas. Amen."

Dani didn't know whether to laugh or cry at Anna's prayer, so she did both.

* * *

The next day, Martin Franklin brought Sean to the Phillipses' at noon on the dot. Sean seemed happy enough; whatever Dani might think of Julie, Julie didn't seem to have been a monster to Sean. "Mommy gived me a Elmo!" Sean reported. "He laugh when I tickle him!"

"I got that too!" Anna said. "But I don't like it."

"I do!"

"It seems to have gone all right," Dani said to Martin.

Martin nodded. "From the court's point of view, Julie did everything right. She was waiting at the door when we got there last night. She didn't try to force Sean to call her 'Mommy' or hug her or anything like that, which is important since Sean can barely remember her. She didn't go out anywhere last night. She told me her parents came for an early-morning Christmas celebration this morning, and she had Sean ready to go when I got there. So, if she hasn't really changed, she's at least acting like she has, which will look good to the judge."




A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 08



"But won't it look good for us that we didn't put up a fight about letting him go?" Jason asked. 

"Sure. In a case like this, every bit helps. Well, if you'll excuse me, my wife's waiting Christmas dinner for me. I'll see you Tuesday at my office. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas," Jason and Dani replied.

Sean and Anna were in the living room; Sean was telling Dani's parents all about his night with his mother. Dani's parents had agreed to wait until Sean had arrived to open the presents, so there was a huge pile of packages under the tree. "Grammy Lynn, this is mine, right?" Anna asked, pointing to the largest package.

"I talking!" Sean said, angry at being interrupted.

"Just a minute, Sean," Lynn said. "Anna, you can read your name. Does that present have your name on it?"

"I mad!" Sean announced. He stalked over to a corner and sat down to sulk.

Anna studied the tag on the large present. "Not mine," she said, disappointed. "I think it's Melanie's."

"That's right," Lynn said, surprised. "How did you know that?"

"'Cause it got a M on it."

"I mad," Sean said again, more calmly.

"I'm sorry you're mad, Sean," Lynn said. "I just needed to answer Anna's question. Now I'd love to hear the rest of your story."

"Well, everyone's here now," said Dani's father. "Let's get this over with." He was mostly joking.

"Anna, Sean, you're the elves," Dani said.

"How?" Sean asked.

"I'll take a present out from under the tree and tell you whose it is," Dani explained. "Then you give it to that person."

"I go first!" Anna said.

"No! Me!" Sean argued.

Dani looked at her mother, who was laughing, and shrugged. Her attempt to avoid an argument between the two children had caused one. "You'll do it together," she said, after some thought. She pulled two presents from under the tree and handed one to each child. "Sean, please give yours to Bubba," she said. "Anna, can you tell who yours goes to?"

Anna looked at the tag. "It got a D on it," she said. "Daddy?"

Dani checked. "Actually, it's mine," she said. "Remember, my name, Dani, starts with D. If it was Daddy's, it would have a J, for Jason."

"Oh, yeah," said Anna.

Opening the presents took quite a while, since Dani's parents had gone a little overboard buying for the kids. Anna and Sean had another argument, this time over who should open Melanie's presents, since Melanie couldn't do it herself. Lynn solved the problem by holding Melanie on her lap, and helping the baby grab the paper and tear it.

By the time they were ready to eat dinner, Melanie was asleep. Sean was yawning, and Anna was whimpering like a puppy, which was her signal that she was tired. "I think some kids were up too late watching for Santa," Dani's father said.

"Anna was up late having nightmares," Jason said.

"I haved nightmares, Bubba," Anna informed her grandfather.

"I watch for Santa," Sean said. "Mommy taked me out and say, look way up. And I seed Santa!"

"Nuh-uh!" Anna said.

"Uh-huh!"

"Stop it, both of you!" Dani ordered. The kids fell silent. "You two have been fighting since Sean got here," Dani said. "We're going to sit down and have dinner now, and I want the fighting to stop while we're eating. The first one of you to start an argument will go in Melanie's playpen to take a nap!"

"What about the second one?" Anna asked innocently.

"The second one will be hung upside-down from the Christmas tree," Dani said, over the laughter of Jason and her parents.

* * *

They went home when it started getting dark. It took five trips outside to get all the presents loaded into the van. "Your folks overdid it again," Jason told Dani when they got home.

"Our kids are their only grandchildren," Dani pointed out. "They like to buy things for them."

"I their grandchildren?" Sean piped up.

"Yes, you're their grandchild," Dani replied.

"I Meme and Pepe's grandchildren?"

"Yes, and Grammy Phyllis's, and Gramma Susan and Grampy Carl's."

"Mommy say just Meme and Pepe and Grammy," Sean said.

Dani was furious that Julie had said this, but glad that the woman had at least included Phyllis. "Well, you weren't born in our family," she explained to Sean. "So Grammy and Bubba, and Gramma and Grampy, haven't always been your grandparents. But they are now, because now you are part of our family."

"Did you like visiting your other Mommy?" Jason asked, hoping to change the subject.

"She not mean now," Sean said. "She want me live there."

"No!" Anna shouted. "You have to live with us, forever and ever!"

"I will," Sean said. "But maybe sometimes I live with Mommy."

"No! Just us!"

"Anna, please take this inside," Dani said, handing the girl a bag with some of her presents inside. "Take it right to your room."

"Okay," Anna said, sulking.

Once Anna was inside, Dani turned to Sean. "Sean, do you want to live with your mommy?" she asked.

Jason started to say something, but Dani gave him a "shut-up" look. "I like Mommy now," Sean said. "But I like you and my Jason better. Maybe sometime I go Mommy's house again."

"That's right, sweetheart," Dani said. "You can go to your Mommy's house whenever you want."

"I your little boy?" Sean asked, worried.

"Of course you are," Jason said.

"Okay," Sean said, relieved.

"Now that we have that settled," Jason said, "why don't you and Mommy Dani help me get this stuff into the house."

"I can't," Sean said.

"Why not?" Dani asked.

"I too little."

Dani laughed, and Jason handed the boy a small bag. "I think that's little enough for you," he said. "Now go ahead in."

After they got everything inside, Jason and Dani began the longer-than-usual process of getting the kids to bed. Dani started an assembly line of baths, while Jason took charge of pajamas and teeth (or gums, in Melanie's case). Anna wanted to sleep in Sean's room; Jason bribed her to stay in her own room by letting her take one of her new dolls to bed. Sean refused to sleep with any of the toys he had gotten from the Sheridans or Phillipses; he insisted instead on a teddy bear that Julie had given him. Dani was a little hurt by this choice, but she hid it well enough, she thought.

Finally, the three children were in bed, and at least pretending to be asleep. Dani and Jason went downstairs. "I guess everything went pretty well," Jason said.

"Do you mean in general, or with Sean and Julie?"

"You sound angry," Jason observed. "Honey, just because Sean enjoyed being with his mother doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with us. I don't really like the situation either, but the fact that Sean had a good time at least shows that Julie's treating him all right."

"I know," Dani said. "And I guess it's good that he likes spending time with her, in case she does manage to get custody. I just feel like she's trying to turn him against us somehow."

"Maybe she is trying to turn him against us. I'm not impressed with her telling him that he isn't really part of our family. But our actions speak louder than her words, I think. He knows that we love him."

"Ten more days," Dani said, referring to the time left before the hearing.

"I know. But we agreed not to worry about it till Christmas is over, and right now, it's still December twenty-fifth. And I have another present for you."

Dani tried to smile at his tone, but failed. "I wonder what it could be," she said.

"Come up to bed, and I'll help you open it," Jason said.

Later, after Jason had fallen asleep, Dani came back down to the couch. She sat looking out the window at the neighborhood lights. Her intention had been to pray, but she fell asleep instead.

"I hate Christmas," Ben said. "My father's always drunk, and Phyllis always cries. And I'm stuck with it, because Christmas is a 'family day.'"

"You aren't stuck anymore," Dani said. "You're an adult now."

"Time is relative. Didn't you listen in science class?" He turned into a little boy, then grew into a man in the space of a few seconds. "A short time to you is a long time to a child. Sometimes so long that they forget."

Suddenly, they were back at the scene of the accident. The accident replayed itself in reverse, the wagon uncrumpling from the tree and being unpushed by the car with the grinning skeleton inside. "Time is relative," Ben said again. "It only moves forward because that's what we expect."

"You're getting more obtuse every time I have one of these dreams," Dani told him.

"I can't help you anymore, Dani. You've done everything you can. It isn't up to you anymore. Not to me, either. Time moves along, and whatever happens will pass."

"Is this real?"

"Reality is in the mind of the beholder," Ben replied, as he had done before. "And memory has a way of becoming fantasy. Merry Christmas."

Dani woke up, her neck aching from the position in which she had been sleeping. She rubbed it, thinking about the dream. Although it had been harder to understand than the previous one, Dani was pretty sure she knew what it meant. And it was a possibility she didn't even want to think about. 



A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 09



Anna and Sean spent the weekend fighting over their new toys. Dani and Jason spent it worrying. "Mommy, why you look so sad?" Anna asked her.

"I'm just thinking about some things that make me feel sad," Dani replied. 

Anna sat beside her. "I'm sad, too."

"Why are you sad?" Dani asked.

"'Cause. Mommy, is Sean my brother now?"

"Yes."

"Will he still be my brother if he lives with his other mommy?"

"If you still want him to be, then yes, I think so."

"Mommy?"

"What, Anna?"

"Why don't Sean want to live here now?"

Dani looked down at the little girl. Anna looked like she was about to cry. "He does want to live here, babe," Dani said. "But he misses his other mommy, too."

"Maybe she can live here, too!" Anna said. 

"I don't think so, sweetheart." The thought of sharing a house with Julie Ryan was too horrible to contemplate.

"Then what can we do?" Anna asked.

"Well, like we've told you, Daddy and I are going to talk to a judge who will decide if Sean should live with us or with his other mommy."

Anna considered this. "What if the judge makes a bad choice?"

"I hope he won't," Dani replied.

"Me, too," said Anna. "Hey! Sean! That's my race car!"

Anna ran off to defend her toys, and Dani closed her eyes. "Heavenly Father," she prayed silently, "I know it's supposed to be Your will, not mine, but I can't help it. I don't want Julie to get Sean! I don't know why You took Ben away, but Ben wanted me to have Sean, and it wouldn't be right if Julie got him. Lord, please help us through this, and please don't take Sean away from us. Amen."

She opened her eyes just in time to see Anna whack Sean over the head with the disputed race car. Both kids spent the rest of the afternoon in their rooms.

* * *

Jason worked overtime again that night, but when he came home at three thirty the next morning, Dani was still awake. "You need to get some sleep," Jason told her. "You shouldn't be up this early."

"I haven't been to bed," Dani replied.

Jason looked concerned. "Dani, you're going to make yourself sick," he said. "You can't keep staying up like this."

"I can't help it, Jason," Dani said. "When I go to bed, all I do is either toss and turn, or have nightmares. The way things are going, I won't get a decent night's sleep till after the hearing. Maybe not even then, if Julie gets custody."

"She won't," Jason said. "God wouldn't do that to us, would He?"

"The Lord works in mysterious ways," Dani said. "Maybe for some reason, He means for Julie to raise her son. It isn't up to us to know what the Lord's going to do or why. That doesn't prohibit us from getting ticked off at Him if we don't like His decision, though."

"But we don't know for sure what's going to happen," Jason said.

"Of course we don't," Dani agreed, although she was pretty sure she did know. "But I'd rather consider the worst-case scenario and be pleasantly surprised than just think about the best possibility and be disappointed."

"You're a pessimist."

"I'm a realist. I just have a bad feeling about this whole thing."

"I know you and your feelings, Dani. But I also know that your feelings aren't right a hundred percent of the time. This might be one of the times when they're wrong."

"I hope so," Dani said.

"I know so," Jason replied. "You coming to bed?"

"In a few minutes."

"Dani, you've been down here all night!" Jason said, exasperated. "Even if you can't sleep, at least come to bed with me."

"All right."

Jason fell asleep as soon as he lay down. Dani lay awake, staring at the window. After an hour and a half, she gave up and got out of bed. It wasn't that she wanted to go through a day with no sleep, but she would manage.

At church that day, Dani asked for prayer that the Sheridans would be able to keep Sean. "Don't you think he belongs with his mother, if she's able to care for him?" the pastor asked after the service.

"I don't think she is able to care for him," Dani said. "She's a drug addict, and she abandoned him after he was born. His father had custody, and his father wanted us to raise him."

"Dani, people can change," the pastor said gently. "Didn't you tell me that Sean's father once used drugs also?"

"Yes," Dani admitted. "But he went through rehab before he asked for custody, and he stayed clean."

"Don't you think it's possible that Sean's mother could have done the same thing? Dani, I'm sorry. I know how much you and Jason love that little boy. We all love him, too. But if his mother is capable now, he should be with her."

"Excuse me. I think Melanie's crying." Dani had to walk away before she lost her temper. She didn't think slapping the pastor's face would help her case any.

* * *

Martin Franklin had taken Monday off to give himself a four-day weekend. He had made an appointment with the Sheridans on Tuesday, which meant that Dani spent Monday in a bad mood. "I know you're getting worked up about this case," Jason said to her, "but you don't need to take it out on me and the kids."

"I'm sorry, Jason," Dani sighed. "I'll try to calm down. But what if Martin tells us there's nothing we can do?"

"Dani, he won't tell us that!"

"Don't yell at me!"

"Well, you don't listen when I just talk. Damn it, Dani, all you talk about lately is losing Sean. I don't want to hear it anymore. We aren't going to lose Sean!"

"Jason, quiet down," Dani said, lowering her own voice. "The kids will hear you."

"Mommy, Daddy, why are you yelling?" Anna asked, as though on cue.

"It's okay, Anna," Jason said.

"You mad?" Sean asked.

"Not at each other," Dani said. "There's just something that's making us kind of sad, and sometimes when people get sad, they get mad, too."

"Don't be mad," Sean said. "We be good, right, Anna?"

Dani smiled. "Sweetheart, we aren't mad at you kids, either. We're not really mad at a person, just at something that might happen."

"Can we go outside?" asked Anna, apparently dismissing her parents' argument.

"Sure," Dani sighed. "Let's get your snowsuits on."

"I'll help Sean, and you help Anna," Jason suggested.

"Thanks," Dani said.

After the kids were bundled up and sent outdoors, Jason said, "I'm sorry I yelled at you. It's just, you can tell me all you want that ignoring something doesn't make it go away, but I keep hoping that this custody thing will go away. I really love Sean, Dani. I almost feel like he's my own son. The thought of him being taken away from us just about kills me."

"Me, too," Dani said. "You and I just have different ways of dealing with things. You pretend a problem doesn't exist, and I talk it to death."

"I think we need to find a middle ground," Jason said. "I'll ignore it on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and you talk it to death on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays."

"What about Sundays?"

"We'll fight."

That night, Jason went to work, promising not to work overtime. Dani got the kids to bed with almost no argument, then went downstairs to watch TV. She was half hoping to fall asleep and have another one of her Ben dreams, but she stayed awake through the ten o'clock news. When the news was over, Dani went upstairs to bed, expecting to lie awake as she had been. To her surprise, the next time she opened her eyes, the sun was up, Jason was asleep beside her, and it was eight in the morning.

* * *

Jason and Dani left the kids with Leah while they went to Martin's office for what Martin called a "strategy session." "You two and Julie each have advantages and disadvantages as parents for Sean," he explained. "Our goal is for the judge to decide that you two have more advantages than Julie."

"So what do you see as our advantages?" Jason asked.

"Well, the two big ones are that you're a two-parent family, and Sean's custodial parent appointed you as Sean's guardians."

"And Julie abandoned Sean," Jason said.

"That isn't one of our advantages," Dani corrected. "That's one of Julie's disadvantages."

"Exactly," Martin said. "The judge will be weighing you as individuals, not so much comparing you to each other. He might say to himself, the Sheridans will be good parents to Sean, and Julie won't be a good parent, but he won't say, the Sheridans will be better parents than Julie. But another way of putting what you just said, Jason, is that you and Dani took Sean in when asked to, instead of refusing. That way, the focus is on an advantage you have, but the judge will be reminded that Julie did abandon Sean."

"This whole thing is going to be a lot of double talk, isn't it," Jason said.

 "Pretty much," Martin said. "That's why you've got me. The judge and lawyers take care of the double talk. All you need to worry about is telling the truth. And I do mean the truth. If Julie's lawyer asks you if you have any doubts about the adoption, you'd better say yes if that's the way you feel. Lying isn't going to help our case, even if no one else knew it was a lie."

Martin set a paper in front of them. "This is a copy of the custody agreement between Ben and Julie," he said. "It states that Ben had sole custody of Sean, and Julie had visitation rights for weekends and holidays, which you already knew. It also states that Julie can only exercise her visitation when she has a stable home. That means, for example, that if she's staying with her parents for a few days, or crashing on a friend's couch for the weekend, she can't see Sean. And another condition of her visitation is that she cannot use any kind of drugs or alcohol, except prescription medication, when Sean's with her or immediately before the visit, and that she has to submit to a drug test at the request of the social worker who was involved in the case, Ben, or any other adult with a vested interest in Sean's welfare. That would be a regular caregiver, the court, or any of Sean's grandparents. What we would like to see happen next week is Ben's name being replaced by yours in this agreement."

"That gives us custody," Dani said. "What about the adoption?"

"That's a different issue," Martin said, "and to be honest, I don't have much hope for it. Adoption would involve having Julie's parental rights terminated completely, and I don't see that happening. We know Julie wouldn't sign over her rights voluntarily, and I don't think, from what I know of her background and her current circumstances, that there would be any legal ground for the court to terminate her rights. I think right now, we should concentrate on your being awarded custody, and drop the adoption idea for the time being."

"So the best-case scenario is that we'd have sole custody?" Jason said.

"Right. And even though Julie might have visitation, she never took advantage of the right when Ben was alive, so she might not now either."

"What's the worst case?" Dani asked. Jason glared at her, but she ignored him.

"The worst case," Martin said, "is that Julie will be awarded sole custody. In that case, you might not even be allowed visitation rights, since you're not immediate family."

"Martin, that isn't very encouraging," Jason said.

"You didn't hire me to encourage you. My job is to try to make the best-case scenario become reality. Keep in mind, too, that there are plenty of options in between. There could be some kind of joint custody arrangement."

"So all we can do is tell the truth at the hearing, and pray in the meantime," Dani said.

"There is one more thing," Martin said. "Talk to your family and close friends. Ask them to attend the hearing. If it comes to it, I may be able to use them as character witnesses for you. If nothing else, having them there will give you some moral support."

* * *

The first thing Dani and Jason did when they returned to Leah's was to ask if Leah and Ken would be willing to attend the hearing. "Of course we'll be there," Leah said. "You know how we feel about making sure the better parent has custody." Ken's daughter Samantha was from his first marriage. Samantha's mother had not been a fit parent, and it had taken a long battle before Ken finally won custody.

"I just hope Mom and Dad will come," Jason said. 

"Why wouldn't they?" Ken said. "They backed me all the way. It's the same situation."

"They're both home," Leah added. "Go talk to them. We can keep the kids a little longer."

Carl and Susan were having lunch when Jason and Dani got there. They continued eating while they listened to the explanation of what Dani and Jason needed from them. "I don't think so," Susan said when they were done talking."

"What do you mean, you don't think so?" Jason demanded. "You'll back up Ken, but not me?"

"It isn't the same thing," Susan said. "Ken is Samantha's father. Ben was the boy's father. That's all well and good; each of them was a better parent than the mother. But you aren't the boy's parents. If his mother is fit, he should be with her. I think you should have a right to see him once in a while, but he belongs with his mother."

"Thanks for nothing." Jason walked out.

Dani turned to Susan, furious. "If 'the boy's' mother were fit, he would have been with her in the first place. If 'the boy's' mother were fit, someone would have known how to get in touch with her when Ben died. 'The boy' has been living with us for three months, and he doesn't even remember his mother because he hasn't seen her since before he was a year old. You say you consider Sean part of the family, but obviously that's bullshit, because now, when it really matters, you don't think he belongs with us!"

Susan stood up. "You can't talk to me like that! You had better treat me with some respect!"

"I will treat you with respect when you deserve it," Dani said coldly. She left to join Jason.

Ken and Leah were sympathetic, but refused to take sides. "I don't understand Mom's thinking," Ken said, "but it's her decision. We'll still be there, and I'm sure Steve and Robin will be, too."

"I know," Jason said. "But it would be nice to have some support from our parents."

This wasn't the first time Jason's parents had let him down in some way. Dani had learned early in their marriage not to try to comfort him at times like this; it only made him angrier. He had to work through it by himself, reminding himself that it was his parents' own problems, not anything about him, that made them act this way. For that reason, Dani was grateful that the three kids slept through the drive home. Their silence gave Jason the time he needed to calm down. "My parents just won't know what they're missing," he announced to Dani as he helped her get the kids out of the van.

"What do you mean?" Dani asked.

They carried Sean and Melanie into the house, then Jason went back outside to get Anna. "I mean," Jason said as he gently lay Anna on the couch, "they won't know what they're missing with their grandchildren. If they don't care enough about Sean to come to the hearing, then they don't need to see their grandkids."

"Jason, you don't-" Dani stopped herself. Maybe Jason didn't really mean it, but, at this moment, he thought he did. She didn't want to start another argument with him. Lord knew they'd been having too many of those lately.

Luckily, Jason hadn't heard her. "I'm going to give Steve a call and make sure he and Robin will be there."

"I know they will be," Dani said. "They're always there for us. Look how they helped us out when you and I were separated."

"I know. I just want to make sure, and to let them know when it will be."

While Jason made the call, Dani carried each child upstairs to their room. Melanie and Sean slept through the entire process. Anna stayed asleep right up until Dani put her down on her bed. Then she opened her eyes. "I don't need a nap!" she said indignantly.

Dani sighed. "All right, you don't need a nap. You slept all the way home from Auntie Leah's, so I guess you'll be okay. But you still need your rest time." Since Anna had stopped taking regular naps, her 'rest time' had become more of a benefit for Dani and Jason than for Anna herself.

"Can I watch a CVR in your room?" asked Anna, meaning a videotape.

"I guess so. Just keep it quiet so you don't wake Sean or your sister. Do you need help starting the tape?"

"No, I can do it." She went into Dani and Jason's room and started the VCR. When Dani went back downstairs, Anna was happily curled up on her parents' bed, playing with a Barbie doll and watching The Jungle Book.

Jason had just hung up the phone. "Steve agrees that Mom's full of shit," he said. "He and Robin will be there next week. Are you going to call your parents?"

"They're at work," Dani said. "And we know they'll be there anyway."

"Yeah. Your parents never let you down. You're their precious little baby."

Dani turned away from him. "You're mad at your parents, not at me," she said. "It is not my fault that your parents refused to help us, and I do not appreciate your being sarcastic with me." 

"I'm sorry," Jason said. He walked around in front of her. "Forgive me?" Dani didn't answer. "Please?" Jason said. When Dani still didn't answer, he knelt and clasped his hands. "I'm begging you to forgive me. Do you want me to kiss your feet, too?"

"No, but you can kiss my-" Dani stopped, then, as Jason leered at her, finished, "-lips."

"I'm sorry," Jason said again. "You're right. I'm not mad at you."

"It'll be all right," Dani said. "Won't it?"

"You tell me," Jason said. "You're the one with the dreams and feelings and whatever. What does your spectral buddy have to say?"

"I haven't dreamed about Ben since Christmas night," Dani replied. "He told me then that he couldn't offer any more help."

"Great. Even a dead guy's letting us down."

"That isn't it, Jason." 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry a million times. Will that cover me for the rest of the day?"

"I'm not trying to fight with you," Dani said.

"I'm not mad," Jason said, smiling. "I didn't mean to sound mad, if I did. Of course everything will be all right. It has to be."

"Why does it have to be?"

"Because if this was a story, Julie'd be the wicked witch. And everyone knows the wicked witch always bites it in the end."

* * *

"Of course we'll be there," Dani's mother told her. "Well, I will, anyway. You know how your father is. He supports you in this, but he's not the type to sit through something like a court hearing."

"Thanks, Mom," Dani said.

"Mommy, can I talk to Grammy?" Anna asked.

Dani handed the phone to her daughter. "Grammy, Sean gonna go away," was the first thing Anna said.

"Anna, that isn't true!" Dani exclaimed. She had thought Anna had been out of hearing when she and Jason had discussed the custody case, but apparently the little girl had heard more than Dani had realized.

"Yes, it is," Anna insisted. "Sean wants to live with his mommy, and she's gonna take him away. Sean said. His daddy told him. Bye, Grammy."

Anna handed the phone back to Dani. "What did she mean when she said Sean's daddy told him?" Lynn asked. "She wasn't talking about Jason, was she?"

"No," Dani said. "She means Ben."

There was silence on Lynn's end of the phone, then she said slowly, "Dani, Sean does understand that Ben's dead, doesn't he?"

"He's been having dreams about Ben," Dani explained. "He always says Ben tells him things in the dreams. I guess that must be true, because some of the things Sean's told me are things he couldn't know any other way."

"You don't really believe that, do you?"

"For someone who's spent the last twenty-some years listening to me tell you about feelings I had that turned out to be true, you're being pretty skeptical."

"You never told me you had a dead person talking to you in dreams," her mother pointed out.

"Well, I'm telling you that now," Dani replied. "I've been having dreams about Ben, too. And he's been giving me advice and predictions about this whole situation. And I do believe that it's really him, and I don't belong in the mental hospital."




A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 09



"I never said you were crazy. It just sounds kind of strange to me, but just because it's never happened to me doesn't mean it couldn't happen at all."

"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy," Dani quoted.

"My name isn't Horatio," her mother said, "but I get your point. Okay, well, just let me know when exactly we need to be in court next Monday, and we'll be there."

"Thanks, Mom."

After Dani hung up, she went looking for Sean. She finally found him hiding in his closet. "Sean, is something wrong?" she asked. "The monster didn't come back, did she?"

"Yeah, but she not scary now," Sean said.

"Anna says your daddy told you that your mommy's going to take you away." 

"He say, he wish I stay here. But Mommy maybe not a monster. He say, I see you again."

"Sean, will you come out here, please?" Sean crawled out of the closet, and Dani pulled him onto her lap. "Sweetheart, we want you to stay here too," she said. "And in a few days, we're going with Martin- do you remember Martin?"

Sean nodded. "I go in his car yesterday."

"On Christmas Day, that's right. Well, Martin's going to go with Jason and me to talk to a judge. Do you know what a judge is?"

"He tell people what to do. Like where kids live."

"That's exactly right, Sweetheart. Well, we're going to go see a judge, and ask him if you can stay here with us. And your Mommy will ask him if you can go live with her. Then the judge will decide where you're going to live."

"He gonna say I live with Mommy," Sean said. "My Daddy say so."

Dani felt an irrational surge of anger at Ben. How could he say something so terrible to his own son? The fact that Ben, in both her dreams and Sean's, had been correct about everything so far was not something she wanted to think about. "Well, maybe Daddy's wrong this time," she said to Sean.

"No! My daddy never wrong!" Sean burst into tears.

Dani hugged him and rocked him gently. "I'm sorry, baby," she said. "I didn't mean to make you mad. Of course your daddy isn't wrong. But I wish he was, because I want you to stay here."

"Me too," Sean said. "But Daddy say Mommy be nice. He say I see Anna."

This didn't make any sense to Dani. Sean would see Anna but not the rest of them? She didn't know if it didn't make sense because she was hearing it from a two-year-old, or because Ben hadn't made sense when he'd told Sean. Ben seemed to enjoy not making sense in her dreams, but since this had been Sean's dream, Dani thought he probably would have tried to explain things more clearly. "Well, of course you'll see Anna," she told Sean. "You'll see all of us." And if I have anything to say about it, you'll see all of us all the time, because you'll be living here, she thought. But she didn't say it out loud, because she didn't want to upset Sean any more.

* * *

Jason's mother called twice that day. Both times, Jason hung up the phone as soon as he heard her voice. "Jason, maybe she's calling to apologize," Dani said.

"You still don't know my mother very well, do you," Jason said. "She doesn't apologize. If she's wrong, she ignores the whole thing. She only calls when she wants to tell me more about how wrong I am."

"Sounds like someone else I know. That's the same thing you do."

"Yeah, so I learned from her. Anyway, until she actually admits she's wrong about this, I'm not speaking to her. Or to Dad, since he just sat there and let her spout off. He said he likes having a grandson, but I guess he doesn't like it enough to stand up to Mom."

"Jason, you're doing it again. You won't talk to her until she apologizes, but how can she apologize if you won't talk to her?"

Melanie started crying, saving Jason from having to reason his way out of this. Dani picked up the baby, who continued wailing. Then Dani saw inside Melanie's mouth. "Jason, look!" she exclaimed. "She's getting a tooth!"

Jason stood behind Dani so he could see. One top front tooth was poking through Melanie's gum. "That's my little steroid junkie," Jason said. "Doing everything early." Dani had been given steroid injections eight weeks before her due date because the doctor had feared that Melanie would be premature. She had only been three weeks early, however, and Jason had begun using the steroid shot as an explanation for everything from Melanie's birth weight of eight and a half pounds to the child's holding her head up off Dani's shoulder when Melanie was only three days old.

"It isn't the steroids, Jason," Dani said, as she always did. "She's just highly advanced."

"Of course she is," Jason said. "She's your daughter."

"She's our daughter," Dani corrected.

"Me, too," said Anna, who had come up behind them.

"Me, too," repeated Sean, who had followed Anna.

"You aren't a daughter!" Anna said scornfully. "You're a boy!"

"I am, too!"

"Sean, Anna's right, sort of," Jason said. "Only girls can be daughters. Boys are sons."

"I your son," Sean said.

Jason looked at Dani helplessly. Dani handed him the baby, then picked up Sean. "Of course you are," she said. "And even if you go to live with your mommy, you'll still be our son."

"He has to live here!" Anna said.

"Sweetie, that isn't up to us," Dani told her. "Remember, I told you we're going to talk to a judge. The judge will decide where Sean lives."

"He say with my mommy," Sean said.

"We don't know yet what he'll say," Jason argued.

"Yes!" Sean insisted. "Daddy tell me!"

This was the first time since their Christmas shopping trip that Sean had mentioned his dreams in front of Jason. "Your daddy told you?" he repeated. "How?"

"I dream it," Sean said. "Daddy always come dream with me."

Dani nodded when Jason looked at her. "Sean's daddy's evidently been doing a good job letting Sean know what's going to happen," she said.

"Well, I'm glad someone knows," said Jason. "You guys want to see what Melanie has?"

"Is it a present?" Anna asked excitedly.

"Not quite," Jason replied. He knelt so the kids could see Melanie. "She's getting her first tooth," he said, lifting Melanie's upper lip so they could see.

"What a good baby!" Anna said, giving her sister a hug. "You're a big girl now, Melly. Now you can have cookies!"

"I don't think she's quite ready for that yet," Dani said, smiling. "She needs a few more teeth to be able to handle a cookie."

"Why don't you two go back upstairs to play," Jason said to the kids.

"We need a snack," Anna said.

Jason took two packets of fruit snacks out of the cupboard. He opened them and gave one to each child. "There's your snack," he said. "Now please go upstairs."

"Come on, Sean," Anna said. "We'll play cars."

"I don't wanna," Sean said, following Anna.

"You have to."

"Anna, don't be bossy," Dani called after them. She turned to Jason. "Sean's been having dreams about Ben since he came here, as far as I know," she said, anticipating Jason's question. "It makes sense. You know he had one the night before we went Christmas shopping."

"Yeah, but I thought that was the only one," Jason said. He put Melanie into her baby swing. "I still don't understand," he said, winding the swing. "How can you and Sean have these dreams?"

"I don't really understand either," Dani admitted. "I always thought once someone was dead, that was it. I mean, I believe in Heaven, but once you're in Heaven, I kind of figured that's where you stay. But there's lots of movies about angels talking to people, or coming back from Heaven, or whatever. And don't we believe that when someone dies, they watch over their loved ones?"

"That's what my parents taught me."

"So if Ben is Sean's guardian angel or whatever now, how much of a jump is it to believe that he's communicating with Sean?"

"What about you?"

"I'm Sean's guardian. When he talks to me, he's still looking out for Sean."

"I'm Sean's guardian too."

"But Ben didn't know you that well."

"Yeah, and he knew you too well."

Dani could tell from his tone that Jason's temper was approaching the boiling point again. "Jason, you aren't honestly going to fight with me over why my now-deceased best friend is communicating with me and not you, are you? Because if you are, I think I'll call Guinness and have you listed under 'World's Dumbest Argument.'"

Jason seemed about to argue, then laughed instead. "All right, I'll chill out. At least someone here knows what's going on."

"I wouldn't be too sure of that," Dani said.

* * *

Wednesday morning, while Dani was trying to get Melanie to try some strained peas, there was a knock on the door. "Anna, open the door, please," Dani said.

Anna did. "Mommy, it's a stranger!" she shouted at the top of her lungs. 

"Not so loud, please," Dani said, covering her ears. She wiped the food off the baby's face and went to the door. "May I help you?" she asked the woman who was standing there.

"Are you Mrs. Sheridan?" the woman asked.

"Yes. Please come in; it's cold out there, and I don't want to leave the door open. The baby has a cold."

The woman came in, and Dani shut the door behind her. "Mrs. Sheridan, my name is Kendra Holmes," the woman said. "I'm a social worker. The court has asked me to evaluate you and your husband to see if your home is the appropriate placement for Sean Ryan."

"His last name is Mills," Dani corrected.

Kendra consulted her folder. "I have Ryan here as the last name," she said. "Regardless, the court, as I said, has asked me to evaluate you in preparation for your custody hearing."

"It's pretty early in the morning for something like this, isn't it?" Dani said. "My husband's still sleeping."

"He is? And why is that?"

Dani decided that the woman was an arrogant witch. Unfortunately, what this arrogant witch told the court could make the final difference in whether or not Sean was allowed to stay with the Sheridans. "He works second shift," she explained. "He usually doesn't get home until around one in the morning. Last night, he worked some overtime, and didn't get home until three."

"I see," Kendra said. "Mrs. Sheridan, I am sorry to have just dropped in like this. It's our policy; if there's a problem, we want to find it, and if we gave advance notice of our visits, any problems would be covered up. I could come back another time, but-"

"But it would look better if we did this now," Dani said. "Ms. Holmes, I have no objection to your checking things out now. I just ask that you try to be quiet. My husband's been working fifty to sixty hours a week since Sean came, so we can have enough money to make a good home for him and our daughters. I'm very protective of Jason's sleep."

Kendra smiled. "I can certainly understand that. My father worked third shift for thirty years, and I can remember my mother sending my brother and me outside as soon as we got up in the morning so we didn't disturb Dad. I will need to speak with Mr. Sheridan at some point, but I think we can do that later. It would have to be sometime today, though. Our office is only open a half day tomorrow, and of course we're closed Friday for the New Year."

"Jason's usually up by ten or eleven," Dani said. She heard the kids running upstairs. "Actually, with that noise, he may be up sooner," she added.

"How old are your daughters?" Kendra asked.

"Anna's three and a half, and Melanie's six months, almost seven."

"I can see why Mr. Sheridan works overtime," Kendra said. "It must cost a lot to keep them in clothes."

"We buy at sales and resale shops. And my girls have a couple of older cousins who give us hand-me-downs for them."

"And you buy clothes for Sean, as well?"

"He hasn't needed much since he's been with us, but we've bought him a few things. Some friends of ours at our church also gave us some things that their sons had outgrown."

"Mrs. Sheridan, do you think it's all right to dress your children in only second-hand clothes?"

"First of all, Ms. Holmes, we don't dress them only in second-hand clothes. But I would rather go to a reputable resale shop and get my children four or five second-hand outfits that are in good shape, and in some cases haven't even been worn, than go to a children's clothing store, spend the same amount of money, and get just one outfit that they'll wear once or twice and then outgrow. The resale stores I go to check their items over very carefully, and as long as the clothes that I put on my children are in good shape and not worn out, I don't see where it really matters if they're new or second-hand."

"I see your point," Kendra said. "I don't have children myself, so I don't really know how much new clothes can cost. Mrs. Sheridan, do you work?"

"Not at the moment. I did take a part-time job after Sean came, but it was only for the Christmas season, to earn the money for presents. Jason and I agree that we would rather have him work overtime so we can afford to have me home with the kids."

"I see. And while you were working, who took care of the children?"

"Jason. He didn't like having to get up so early, but he did take good care of them."

"So you're home with them all the time now? Doesn't that get pretty tiring after a while?"

"Not really," Dani replied. "Melanie's a pretty low-maintenance baby. Feed her, change her, and cuddle her, and she's happy. Sean and Anna love to entertain her. They need more attention than Melanie, of course, but when they start getting too wound up, I send them outside if it's warm enough or upstairs to run around and get some energy out. Jason's home for a few hours between the time he gets up and the time he leaves for work, so he can give me a break if I need one. That's when I get most of the housework done, then and after I put the kids to bed at night."

"I'm sure your house must get pretty messy, with three kids," Kendra said. "Would you mind showing me around? I'd especially like to see where Sean sleeps."

"Of course," Dani said.

The whole time they had been talking, Kendra had been making notes in her folder. Now, as she followed Dani, she took the folder with her. "Just let me get Melanie settled," Dani said. She took the baby out of her bouncy seat, where she had been sitting while Dani tried to feed her, and put her in the playpen, which had a selection of Melanie's favorite toys in it.

"She doesn't seem to mind being in there," Kendra commented.

"She isn't in there very often," Dani replied. "She takes her naps there, because she and Anna share a room and Anna doesn't nap anymore. I send Anna to their room to rest, and keep Melanie down here so Anna doesn't keep her awake. The only other time I put Melanie in the playpen is when I have to leave the room. Would you like to see the upstairs or the rest of the downstairs first?"

"Upstairs, please," Kendra said. "I'll keep it quiet so we don't wake Mr. Sheridan."

Anna and Sean were in the girls' room, shining a flashlight into the closet. "Don't tell me you have a monster in there, Anna," Dani said.

"That's what we're looking for," Anna said. "I heared a big roar in there, but Sean says you chased the monster away."

"She did," Sean said. "The other-mommy monster all gone now."

"The other-mommy monster?" Kendra repeated.

Sean nodded. "My daddy tell me. My other mommy bad. So I live with daddy. My other mommy want take me away. But now she nice. She not in my closet no more."

Kendra, looking confused, turned to Dani for an explanation. "When Sean first came here, he said there was a monster in his closet," Dani said. "Over time, he told us that the monster was his other mommy, who wanted to take him away from us. After he had spent some time with Julie, though, the monster went away." She hoped she sounded more convincing than she felt.

"Who told Sean that his mother was a monster?" Kendra asked.

"I don't think anyone did. He apparently got the idea from overhearing Ben talk about Julie."

"And what did you say when you found out who he claimed the monster to be?"

"We tried to be understanding. His mother had abandoned him when he was very young, and he really had no memory of her. I told him that I didn't think his mother was a monster, and that she would-"

"Mommy Dani say my mommy good now," Sean interrupted. "No more monster."

"Sean, do Jason and Dani ever tell you bad things about your mommy?" Kendra asked.

Sean considered the question. "No," he said finally.

"Do they tell you anything about your mommy?"

"She good now."

"They tell you that your mommy's good now?"

"Uh-huh. Mommy Dani say, I still in her family even if I live with my mommy."

Kendra made a note in her folder, then looked at Dani. "This must be your daughters' room," she said. 

"Yes. Would you like to see Sean's room now?"

"Please."

Dani took her down the hall. "Were you cleaning before I got here?" Kendra asked. "I don't know many two-year-olds who keep their room this clean."

"I two-and-half!" Sean called from Anna's room.

"I'm sorry!" Kendra replied, laughing.

"Sean picks up his room on his own," Dani said. "I guess where Ben was raising him alone, he taught Sean to help out by picking up after himself. Plus he usually saves the really big messes for the girls' room or downstairs."

The door to Dani and Jason's bedroom opened, and Jason came out. He had apparently figured out that they had company, since he was wearing jeans and a clean shirt. "What's going on?" he asked.

"Jason, this is Kendra Holmes," Dani said. "The court sent her to evaluate us as a placement for Sean."

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Sheridan," Kendra said, holding out her hand.

Jason shook it. "You, too. Are you going to be evaluating Julie, too?"

Dani cringed, but Kendra didn't seem to mind the question. "As a matter of fact, I'm going there as soon as I leave here," she said. "I'm an equal-opportunity busybody."

Dani had to smile. Maybe Kendra wasn't so arrogant after all. "Do you need to talk to Jason privately, Ms. Holmes?" she asked. "I could stay up here with Sean and Anna."

"That would be good."

"Where's Melly?" Jason asked.

"In her playpen. Asleep, by the sound."

"Mr. Sheridan, if you wouldn't mind?" Kendra said.

"Sure." 

The two of them went downstairs, and Dani went back to the girls' room. "So, is there a monster?" she asked the kids.

"Mommy, who's that lady?" Anna asked.

"She's a social worker," Dani replied. "It's her job to tell the judge if this is a good place for Sean to live."

"It is," Sean said.

"You know that, and I know that," Dani said. "But the judge has never been here, so he doesn't know that. He wants someone who doesn't live here to tell him."

"Oh," Sean said. "No monster here."

After a few minutes, Dani heard Jason coming back upstairs, and went into the hall to meet him. "Ms. Holmes said to thank you for your time," he said.

"She's gone?"

"Yes. What was that all about, anyway?"

"Well, the court can't just take our word that we're good parents. They need proof from someone who isn't involved."

"What do you think she thought?"

"Well, are we good parents?"

"Of course we are," Jason said vehemently.

"Then that's what she thought," Dani said. I hope, she added to herself.



A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 10



Every day for the rest of the week, Sean and Anna asked, "Is today the day we go see the judge?"

Friday morning, before Jason got up, Dani sat down with the two of them and said, "Monday will be the day we go to the judge. Today is Friday. Tomorrow will be Saturday, then it will be Sunday, then Monday." She counted off the days on her fingers as she spoke. "In three more days, Jason and I will talk to the judge."

"What about me and Sean?" Anna asked.

"You and Melanie will go to Auntie Leah's house," Dani said. "Sean will probably come with us, in case the judge wants to talk to him, but Sean will be in a different room while Jason and I talk to the judge."

"I wanna talk to him!" Anna said. "I wanna tell him to let Sean stay here!"

"Me, too!" Sean said.

"Honey, they don't usually let little kids talk to the judge in something like this," Dani said. "The judge might ask Sean a couple questions, but his job is to decide where the best place is for Sean to live. The way he'll do that is by talking to me and Daddy, and to Sean's Mommy, and to the lady who was here the other day, and then he'll decide from what we say who will take better care of Sean."

"I can take care of Sean," Anna said. 

Dani smiled. "You can, huh? How?"

"I make him lunch, and sing him lullabies, and make him go potty, and read him stories."

"No!" Sean said. "I don't like stories!"

Dani laughed. "Well, Anna, I guess you have a pretty good idea of how to take care of someone. But I think the judge will want a grownup to take care of Sean."

"I am a grownup," said Anna. "I'm three."

"That isn't quite a grownup, Sweetie," Dani said. "Don't rush it." 

"Judge is nice?" Sean asked.

"I don't know for sure," Dani said. "I haven't met him before. But I'm sure he's very nice. Judges usually are."

"What if he mean?" Sean asked anxiously.

Dani put her arm around him. "Don't worry, Sean. Martin wouldn't let a mean judge talk to us. He'll make sure the judge is nice." She wished Martin really had that power.

"Mommy, can we watch TV now?" Anna asked. "Sesame Street's coming on."

"Elmo!" Sean cheered.

Dani sighed and turned on the TV. She would have liked to explain things a little more to the kids, but at their age, she was lucky they had listened as long as they did.

* * *

Jason slept late. This wasn't unusual when he had to work, but if he had a night off, he usually tried to get up earlier that morning. He almost always had Friday nights off. "You're going to have trouble sleeping tonight," Dani said when he finally came downstairs. "Happy New Year."

"I have to work tonight," Jason replied. "Probably overtime. Happy New Year."

"You have to work? Jason, why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I didn't think I needed your permission to work," Jason said defensively.

"That isn't what I meant," Dani said, trying to calm down. "It's just, I'm used to being able to spend time with you on Friday nights. Now I'll hardly see you all weekend."

"Don't worry. I've got a plan."

"Jason, they told you when you took the job that you can't have weekends off-"

"I'll tell you all about it," Jason interrupted. He put his finger to his lips and pointed to Sean and Anna, who were happily debating who was the best Teletubby.

After the show was over, Dani sent Sean and Anna upstairs. "Now, what were you talking about?" she asked Jason.

"I talked to Craig last night," Jason replied. "I told him- well, he already knew about this whole custody thing, and he knew that Monday's the hearing. I told him that this might be the last weekend we get to spend with Sean, so he fixed things so I have to work overtime tonight and Monday, but I get tomorrow and Sunday off."

"That's great!" Dani said. "Well, maybe not that you have to work overtime, but it was great of Craig to give you the weekend."

"Yeah, it was," Jason agreed. "So what are we going to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if that dream of his is right- and if he's anything like you, it probably is- then this probably really is the last weekend we'll get to spend with Sean. I think we should do something special. If it was summer, I'd say let's go to Storyland or Funtown, or something, but those aren't options in January."

"We could take them to Jokers or Chuck E. Cheese," Dani said. "You're right. Other than sledding, there really isn't a whole lot to do this time of year, but those are two possibilities."

"I think Chuck E. Cheese," Jason said.

"All right," Dani said. "I don't think they're open today, though."

"Well, today wouldn't be good anyway," Jason said. "Even if I didn't have to work tonight, if they're open they'd probably be crowded as hell. We can go tomorrow or Sunday."

"Sunday'd probably be best," Dani said. "If you're working overtime tonight, I don't think you'd be in the mood tomorrow to drive an hour with two toddlers and a baby and spend a few hours with them eating pizza and playing video games."

"You're absolutely right," Jason said. "Okay, Sunday, then. Tomorrow we can take him to see your parents, and maybe Leah and Ken and the girls. Then maybe we can invite Steve and Robin and Denise to go with us on Sunday so Sean can spend some time with them, too."

"I thought you wanted to spend time with him as a family," Dani said. "I mean, I know Steve and Robin are family, but..."

"You're right," Jason said. "But if we go to church Sunday morning-"

"We aren't," Dani said firmly. Jason looked at her, surprised. "Last week, Matt said he doesn't think Sean belongs with us," Dani explained.

"That asshole!" Jason immediately clapped his hand over his mouth. "Sorry. That isn't a good thing to say about a pastor."

"Probably not, but I'm inclined to agree with you. So anyway, I don't think I could go to church, knowing that the people we trust to pray for us don't believe in what we're trying to do. So we could go to Steve and Robin's in the morning, then go to Chuck E. Cheese from there."

"Okay," Jason agreed. He yawned and stretched. "I'm going to go take my shower. Want to join me?"

"I think I'll pass this time," Dani said. "Thanks anyway."

* * *

Jason left for work early, hoping that he could serve some of his overtime before the start of his shift, and not have to work as late. Melanie and Anna had a bath together; Sean fell asleep while he was waiting his turn, so Dani just put him to bed in the sweatsuit he had been wearing all day. Once the kids were in bed, Dani was at a loss for something to do. After starting to read a book, starting a load of laundry, and starting to watch TV, none of which she could stay focused on, she sat down on the couch and closed her eyes. "All right, Ben," she said aloud. "You can't give me advice anymore, but you can still pay a visit."

Instead of seeing Ben the way she remembered him most recently, however, she saw him as he had been ten years ago.

"I don't think we should go out anymore," he said. "It just isn't working."

"What are you talking about?" Dani asked, turning away from him. She was damned if she would let him see her cry.

"You just aren't my type," Ben said. "You're too good."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I don't think I'm good enough for you. You just aren't the kind of girl I usually go for. You should find someone who won't hurt you, like I'd probably end up doing."

"Like you're doing now, you mean." She walked a short distance away from him, but was unable to bring herself to leave.

"Look at me, Dani. Are you crying?" Dani didn't turn around. "Dani, come on," Ben said. "Can't you at least look at me?"

"Why? So I can see how full of shit you are? I don't know what you're talking about, Ben, and I don't think you do either. All I know is, I love you-"

"I'm not good enough for you, Dani."

"Damn it, let me decide that! You said you loved me, Ben. Either you were lying then, or you're lying now. My bet would be now."

"It isn't working, Dani."

"Fine. It isn't working. You know what isn't working? You trying to convince both of us that you don't care about me. That's what isn't working."

"I never said I don't care about you."

"All right. Well, I don't care about you. Have a nice life."

She walked away then, and didn't see Ben at all for a few weeks. Then one day, he had shown up at her house out of the blue. That was the way the rest of their relationship had been, with Ben coming and going from her life with no apparent rhyme or reason. "And now he really is gone, and he still keeps coming back," Dani said to herself.

"I'll always be with you, Dani," Ben said. "Maybe not the way we'd want. Maybe not so you know I'm there. But I'm not leaving you again."

Dani didn't know if she was awake or asleep. She didn't see Ben, either in her mind or with her eyes. But she knew for sure that his voice had not been in her mind this time.

* * *

"You're asleep," Ben said. 

Dani knew he was right, since they were once again at the accident scene. "But I heard you," she said.

Ben didn't respond. "I made my first mistake that day," he said. "I didn't think someone like you could love someone like me. Hurt or be hurt, right? I lived my whole life that way, until I met Julie, and look what she did to me. You, Sean, and Phyllis are the only people who ever loved me unconditionally, and I couldn't even let you love me. Dani, don't worry if Julie gets custody. Sean will be all right."

"Is that what's going to happen?"

"I can't tell you."

"You'll watch out for him either way, won't you."

"Of course. He's my son. But I'll be watching out for you and your girls, too. Dani, you and I should have been together. I'm sorry it didn't happen."

"So am I."

"You have to wake up now. Sean's having a nightmare. Nothing about this, this time. Just garden-variety two-year-old stuff. But he needs you."

Dani opened her eyes to the sound of Sean's crying. She went upstairs and found the little boy sitting up in bed. "Did you have a bad dream?" Dani asked him.

Sean nodded. "A mouse eat my teddy," he said. "Then mouse eat my toe."

Dani sat down beside him. "It's all right, Sean," she said. "There's no mouse here. It was just a dream."

"I hope that bad mouse have a bad dream too!" Sean said.

Dani kissed him. "Go back to sleep, babe," she said. "No more bad dreams, okay?"

"Okay," Sean said. He lay down and closed his eyes.

Dani went back downstairs and fell asleep. She didn't dream about Ben again. Instead, the rest of her night was filled with dreams about teddy-bear-eating mice, until Jason woke her up when he got home from work.

* * *

They spent Saturday afternoon with Dani's parents. Lynn had suggested that they go out to dinner, but Dani had refused. "It would seem like we were celebrating something," she said.

"It wouldn't have to."

"Mom, you and Dad only take us out when something special happens. If you want to treat us to dinner, then order takeout or something. But the idea of going out just doesn't seem quite right under the circumstances."

"All right," Lynn said, disappointed. "Do you want pizza or Chinese?"

Dani's father spent the afternoon trying to teach Sean and Anna to play Chutes and Ladders. Sean caught on quickly, but Anna, disappointed when she didn't win the first game, gave up. "Bubba, you can't keep playing," she told her grandfather.

"Why not?" Dani's father asked.

"Because I'm not playing."

"I play," Sean said.

"That's right," Dani's father said. "Anna, Sean and I can still play even though you don't want to."

"It's not fair!" Anna shouted. She stomped over to a chair and flung herself into it.

"Anna, cool it," Dani said.

"A little sibling rivalry?" Lynn asked.

"Yeah, just a little."

Sean went over to Anna. "I sorry, Anna," he said. "I don't play."

"It's okay," Anna said. "You can play with Bubba if you want to. You won't get to anymore."

"Anna!" Dani's father said, shocked. "That's a very cruel thing to say!"

"But Sean told me!" Anna said, bursting into tears.

"My daddy say I gonna live with Mommy," Sean said.

Dani held her breath. She had known since she was a child that she shouldn't tell her father about her "feelings"; he never believed her, and sometimes even got angry when she talked about it. She couldn't imagine what he would say to Sean. "I don't think we should talk about that," her father said.

"Why not?" Sean asked.

"Because you shouldn't think about things that might make you sad."

"I not sad," Sean said. "My mommy not mean now."

"Well, it makes me sad. So please don't talk about it anymore."

"Why you sad, Bubba?" Sean asked.

"Because I think you should stay with Dani and Jason. If your daddy told you you're going to live with your mommy, then I'm mad at him."

"Don't be mad at my daddy, Bubba. He not mad at you."

Dani's father stood up. "I think maybe Anna was right. We'll play the game another time." He put the game back in its box and went outside.

Dani followed him. "Dad, Sean thinks you're mad at him," she said.

Her father turned to look at her. If she hadn't known better, Dani would have said he was about to cry. "What's this nonsense about his father telling him he's going to his mother?"

"Sean has dreams, Dad. Like mine that I used to tell you about, that you never believed."

Her father looked surprised. "I never said I didn't believe you."

"No, you just said to stop talking nonsense, or asked why I was wasting time having dreams like that."

"Dani, my grandmother used to have dreams like yours. She told everyone she knew about them, and everyone thought she was crazy. I shut you down when you'd tell me about your dreams, because I didn't want you to be like her."

"I'm not crazy, Dad," Dani said. "And neither is Sean. He's having dreams about Ben, and in them, Ben's been telling Sean that he's going to be living with his mother."

"Well, Ben's always had a gift for telling people what they don't want to hear."

"Dad, Ben's dead. Haven't you told me you should never carry a grudge past the grave? It's time to let go of it. Even though you accept Sean now, he still sees how angry you get whenever Ben's name is mentioned. Sean loved Ben, and he doesn't need to hear anything bad about him. Let it go."

Her father smiled. "Didn't anyone ever teach you to respect your elders?"

Dani smiled back. "You did. But you also taught me not to be afraid to speak my mind if I believe in what I'm saying."

"Even at twenty-six, you're still too smart for your own good." He went back inside. Dani went after him in time to see him setting the game up again.

* * *

The next day, they spent the morning with Steve, Robin, and Denise. Steve sent the kids upstairs to play, while Robin tried to give Melanie a bottle. "I don't want to act like anything's different," Steve said. "I know you guys might not have Sean anymore after tomorrow, and I want to see him, but we always send the kids upstairs to play, and I don't want it to seem like this is anything- like this is a goodbye."

"We appreciate that," Dani said. "Sean seems to have accepted that he might have to live with Julie, but I don't think we've accepted it yet."

"We haven't," Jason said.

After an awkward silence, Robin lay Melanie on a blanket on the floor and went over to the VCR. "Let's watch that movie we rented," she suggested.

Over the sounds of the kids playing upstairs, the four of them watched the movie. It was one that Dani had seen a few times before, but it always made her cry. It was a relief to have something else to cry about.

* * *

They left Steve and Robin's shortly before lunch and drove the half hour to Chuck E. Cheese. They paid for a food and game package, and sat down to wait for their pizza. "I wanna go play!" Anna said.

"Me too!" said Sean.

Dani wondered how Anna would manage when Sean was gone and she didn't have a personal yes-man anymore. "You can play after we eat," she said.

"No, now!" Anna said.

"Now!" Sean echoed.

"I'll make you a deal," Jason said. "Each of you can pick one thing to play now. Just one thing. Then we'll come back to the table and eat, then we'll play some more after we eat."

"Yay!" Sean and Anna shouted.

Dani stayed at the table with Melanie while Jason took the two kids to the video game area. She was surprised when someone stopped beside the table and said, "Dani?"

Dani looked up. It took her a moment to recognize the person. "Nicole! How are you?" She hadn't seen Nicole since their high school graduation, eight years before.

"Great!" She noticed Melanie. "Oh, God, tell me this isn't your baby. It can't have been that long."

"She's mine, all right. Melanie Marie Sheridan. And she has a three-year-old sister and a two-year-old, um, foster brother here somewhere."

"Sheridan? So you didn't marry Ben?"

Dani closed her eyes for a second to keep back the tears. "No," she said, opening her eyes again. "No, Ben and I didn't get married. I met my husband through a friend at college."

"Do you still hear from Ben?" Nicole asked. "I'm surprised. I mean, everyone thought you two would-"

"Nicole, Ben passed away a few months ago."

The shock registered on Nicole's face. "Oh, my God. Oh, Dani, I'm so sorry. I feel so stupid!"

"You couldn't have known," Dani said.

"Still. Oh, Dani!" Nicole didn't seem to know what to say. She was visibly relieved when someone across the room called her name. "Um, I'd better go," she said. "It was good seeing you."

"You, too."

Nicole hurried away just as Jason brought the kids back. "Who was that?" Jason asked.

"A friend from high school."

Jason looked at her closely. "Dani, are you all right?"

"Sure," Dani lied, turning away. "Fine. So, who's ready for pizza?"

The rest of the afternoon was wonderful. After they had eaten, Sean and Anna managed to attempt almost every video game in the place. They climbed around the play structure, and rode on the mechanical toys. Even Melanie seemed to enjoy the mechanized puppet show that went on every few minutes. Watching her family have so much fun, Dani could almost forget that the next day might bring the end of their time with Sean.

They returned home well after the kids' bedtime. Melanie had had her final bottle of the night at the restaurant, and was carried to her crib without waking up. Anna protested going to bed, but fell asleep in the time it took Dani to pull up her blanket and turn on the nightlight. When Dani went into Sean's room to tuck him in, he was still wide awake. "Sean, it's time to go to sleep now," Dani said gently.

"I not sleepy," Sean said. He followed this declaration with a large yawn.

Dani kept back a laugh. "Well, sleepy or not, it's bedtime," she said.

Sean obediently closed his eyes. "Mommy, is it Monday when I wake up?" he asked.

"Yes, Honey. It will be Monday when you wake up."

"Mommy?"

"Yes, Sean?"

"I have good time at Cheesy Cheese. Thank you for being my family."

This last sentence sounded so mature coming from a child Sean's age that Dani had to blink back tears. It wasn't until later that night that she realized why it had sounded that way. The voice had been Sean's. But the words had been Ben's.

* * *

January fourth was unseasonably warm. It was the kind of day Dani would ordinarily have chosen to take the kids to the playground or for a walk. Instead, she and Jason dropped off Anna and Melanie early that morning at Ken and Leah's, then took Sean with them to the courthouse.

Despite their being nearly half an hour early, they were met by Martin Franklin when they entered the courthouse. "We're going to have a fight on our hands," he told them. "Not only is Julie fighting custody, but she's going to try to prove you unfit parents, for your own girls as well as Sean."

"I can't believe this!" Dani exclaimed. "She's not satisfied with taking Sean away? She wants us to lose the girls too?"




A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 10



"You're stressing again," Jason said.

"I'm sorry." Dani took a deep breath to try to calm herself. "So, Martin, what can we do about it?"

"Well, first of all, I think her lawyer's trying to talk her out of it. Her trying to get custody of Sean is legitimate. Her trying to get Anna and Melanie taken from you is pure vindictiveness, and that has no place in a situation like this. In the unlikely even that she does go through with it, that's where the character witnesses would come in. You do have some people coming, don't you?"

"Yes," Jason replied. "My brothers, and Dani's parents, and some friends of ours."

"And me," Phyllis said, coming up behind them. She picked up Sean and kissed him. "How's my boy today?" she asked him.

"I wanna play with Anna," Sean said sulkily. "She get to play with Allie, and I gotta be here."

"Seannie, I'm sure you'll have plenty more chances to play with Anna and Allie," Phyllis said. "We need you here today."

"Anna won't get to play with Allie, because Allie has to go to school today," Dani added. "And remember, the judge might need to talk to you."

Phyllis put Sean down and turned to Martin. "Tell me," she said, "why is it that the court won't take into account what Ben wanted?"

"They will," Martin assured her. "But they also have to take Sean's best interests into account. As far as the court's concerned, a child's best interest is usually to be with a biological parent. Unless that parent is abusive or neglectful, and we can't prove either of those in this case."

A court officer came out of the courtroom. "Will the parties in the Sheridan versus Ryan case please follow me."

Phyllis, who had been given permission by the court to stay with Sean during the hearing, took him into a nearby office that had been set up as a playroom. Dani and Jason followed Martin into the courtroom. Julie, the Perrys, and Julie's lawyer were already in their seats. "Here goes nothing," Jason whispered to Dani, squeezing her hand.

"Here goes everything," Dani corrected.

The judge entered the room, and everyone was seated. "We are here to hear the case of Sheridan versus Ryan," the judge said. "This is a custody hearing concerning the minor child Sean Joseph Ryan, also known as Sean Joseph Mills. Are all parties in this case present?"

"Yes, Your Honor," said Martin.

"Yes, Your Honor," said Julie's lawyer.

"Mr. Franklin, you may proceed," the judge said.

Martin stood up. "Your Honor, the Sheridans are a close, loving family. More importantly, they are a stable family. They own a home, and Mr. Sheridan has held the same job for over five years. Mr. and Mrs. Sheridan do have two children of their own, but they have taken Sean into both their home and their hearts, and Sean has become part of their family. This, Your Honor, was what Benjamin Mills wanted for his son when he named Danielle Sheridan as Sean's legal guardian."

"Thank you, Mr. Franklin. Mr. Warner?"

Julie's lawyer stood. "Your Honor, Julie Ryan would be the first to admit that she has been far from an exemplary mother. Last year, when Benjamin Mills sought custody of Sean, Ms. Ryan did not fight it. She realized that she was not the best parent for Sean at that time. At that time," he repeated, emphasizing each word. "However, Your Honor, Julie Ryan has changed her life. She has undergone counseling and drug and alcohol rehabilitation. She has taken parenting classes, as stated in the documents I have submitted. Ms. Ryan currently has a good job here in Portland, and she has an apartment in a decent section of the city. Ms. Ryan has spent the last year making herself worthy of being a mother. Yet, when she returned to claim her son, what did she find? Without a word to her, the boy's father had given guardianship of the child to a family that Ms. Ryan has never even met!"

"Talk about melodrama," Jason whispered to Dani.

"Notice he doesn't mention how no one could find her for the last year," Dani commented under her breath to Martin.

"I'll address that," Martin replied.

"Mr. Franklin, you may begin your questioning," the judge said.

Martin called Dani to the stand. After Dani had been sworn in, he asked her, "Mrs. Sheridan, you have two biological children, is that correct?"

"Yes," Dani replied.

"And you have the financial resources for a third child?"

"Yes." 

"Mrs. Sheridan, what do you do for work?"

"I'm an at-home mother."

"Yet you have the finances to support another child?"

"My husband, Jason, works overtime hours at his job to allow me to stay home. I did work part-time during the Christmas season, but my hours were such that Jason could take care of the children while I was at work."

"Mrs. Sheridan, when did you first learn that Benjamin Mills had named you Sean's guardian?"

"The day after Ben's funeral," Dani said.

"And what was your feeling when you were told you had become the parent of a two-year-old boy?"

"My feeling was, when could he move in?"

"Mrs. Sheridan, what was the nature of your relationship with Benjamin Mills?" Martin asked.

Dani had been prepared for this question. Martin had told them that he would ask it, to prevent Julie's lawyer from raising the issue. But Dani hadn't decided how to answer it. She knew she couldn't lie, but she wasn't sure she wanted to tell the whole truth. "Ben was an old friend of mine," she said after a moment.

"And when was the last time you spoke with him?"

"Last year."

"You hadn't spoken with Mr. Mills for over a year, and yet you didn't find it strange that he had chosen you as his son's guardian?"

"I did find it strange," Dani said.

"Yet your first reaction was to wonder when the child could be taken to your home? Why didn't you wish to take some time to consider it before you agreed?"

"Mr. Franklin, I didn't see that there was anything to consider," Dani replied. "I had a frightened child who couldn't stay where he was, and a request from my oldest friend. Ben would have done the same if the situation had been reversed."

"Thank you, Mrs. Sheridan," Martin said. "No further questions."

Warner stood up. "Mrs. Sheridan, isn't it true that you and Benjamin Mills were having an affair at the time of Sean's birth?" he asked.

"No, it is not," Dani replied indignantly. "At the time of Sean's birth, I hadn't even spoken to Ben in over six months."

"At any time, did you and Benjamin Mills have a physical relationship?" Warner asked.

"Objection," said Martin. "Irrelevant."

"Your Honor, I'm attempting to determine why Mrs. Sheridan was named Sean's guardian," Warner argued.

"Objection overruled," the judge said. "Mrs. Sheridan, please answer the question."

Dani sighed. "Yes, Ben and I did have a physical relationship at one time," she said.

"And when would that have been, Mrs. Sheridan?" Warner asked.

"Six years ago. It ended shortly before my twentieth birthday."

"You and Mr. Mills were not intimate at all during the last six years?"

"No, Mr. Warner, we were not."

"No further questions," said Warner, sounding disappointed.

Dani was allowed to sit down, and Martin called Jason to the stand. "Mr. Sheridan, you are the sole support of this family?"

"Yes."

"Would you please tell the court where you are employed and how much you earn?"

"Sure. I've worked for Roanoke Machine in Cornish for the last five and a half years. I make fifteen dollars an hour, twenty-two fifty for overtime."

"And what kind of hours do you work?"

"My regular shift is four-thirty p.m. to twelve thirty, five days a week. I work ten to twenty hours a week overtime."

"When do you spend time with your family, Mr. Sheridan?"

"I usually get up around nine or ten in the morning. Even when I work overtime, I'm up before noon. And I have two nights off a week."

"Mr. Sheridan, what was your initial reaction when you learned that Sean would be living with you?"

"I wondered how Dani could have agreed to such a thing without discussing it with me."

"And after that?"

"I had no problem with the idea once I'd had time to digest it. Like Dani said, we had a scared kid who needed somewhere to go."

"Thank you, Mr. Sheridan. No further questions."

"I have no questions for Mr. Sheridan," Warner said.

"Mr. Franklin, have you anyone else to call?" the judge asked. 

"Not at this time, Your Honor."

"Thank you. Mr. Warner, you may present your case." 



A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 11



Julie took the stand. Her performance, Dani thought later, was worthy of an Oscar. In tears, she told of how she had been an innocent teenager seduced by an older man. (She had been eighteen when she met Ben; he had been six years older.) She had suffered through an accidental pregnancy (as accidental as the three she had miscarried?) and had been deserted three months into the pregnancy. (If she really had been deserted, it must have been by the new boyfriend, because she was the one who had deserted Ben.) Drug and alcohol addictions had been aggravated by the stress of unsupported single motherhood. (Even Julie's own parents had said that Ben had been a responsible father.)

"Ms. Ryan, how did you feel when you learned that Ben's lover had taken custody of your son?" Warner asked.

"Horrible," Julie said, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue Warner handed her.

"Objection," said Martin. "Mrs. Sheridan has stated that she and Mr. Mills were not lovers during the last several years."

"Sustained," the judge said. "Mr. Warner, you will refer to Danielle Sheridan by name only."

"Yes, Your Honor," Warner said. "Ms. Ryan, you feel you have the resources now to care for your son?"

"Yes," Julie replied, glaring at Dani.

"Where are you employed, Ms. Ryan?"

Julie named a company that Dani had never heard of. "I'm earning nine dollars an hour right now, but I'm still in their training phase."

"And how long will that be?"

"Until January thirty-first. Then I'll be relocated and my pay will go up to ten an hour."

"Relocated?"

"Yes. The company's main headquarters are in Waltham, Massachusetts. That's where I'd been living for the last year. They sent me here to Portland for training, and I'll be sent back to Waltham when I finish the training."

"I see. And what will your child care arrangements be in Waltham?"

"I have a cousin who lives there, who stays home with her kid. She said she'll watch Sean for me."

"And while you're still in Maine?"

"My parents are going to stay in Portland till I move. They're staying with friends, and my mother will come to my place to watch Sean while I work."

"And you will be able to ensure Sean's contact with his grandparents after the move?"

"My parents are considering moving to Waltham."

"Nothing further."

Martin took over questioning. "Ms. Ryan, you state you had addictions to drugs and alcohol?"

"Yes."

"How long has it been since you completed a rehabilitation program?"

"Six months."

"Ms. Ryan, why did you leave your son in the care of your parents after he was born?"

"I felt that I was a poor parent, and that my parents would take better care of Sean than I could."

"Ms. Ryan, isn't it true that, rather than Benjamin Mills abandoning you during your pregnancy, you left him when you became involved with another man?"

Dani held her breath. Would Julie answer? "Yes, it's true," Julie said.

"And were you living with this man when Sean was born?"

"Yes."

"Ms. Ryan, isn't it true that the man with whom you were living at the time of Sean's birth had a criminal record that included time served for drug dealing and child molestation?"

"Yes, it's true!" Julie said defensively. "That's why I took Sean to my parents!"

"So, rather than taking your child and leaving this man, you chose to leave your child and continue your relationship with your boyfriend?"

Julie looked helplessly at her lawyer, who seemed unable to think of any grounds for an objection. "Yes," she said quietly.

"No further questions," Martin said.

"Does either party have any more witnesses?" the judge asked.

"No, Your Honor," both lawyers said at once.

"I would like to hear from the social worker involved with the case."

Kendra Holmes took the stand and presented her report. She had nothing bad to say about the Sheridans; the only problem she found with Julie was that Julie's apartment was a one-bedroom. "But she has set up that bedroom for Sean, sleeping in the living room herself. And it is my understanding that she has arranged rental of a two-bedroom apartment when she returns to Massachusetts."

"You found no adverse conditions in either home?" the judge asked.

"Your Honor, while I would not necessarily term this an adverse condition, I did notice that the Sheridan home seems to be a very busy place. This is understandable with a family of five, especially when two of those five are toddlers. However, Sean seemed rather quieter during my visit than one might expect from a child his age, which led me to wonder if he might not be feeling overwhelmed and possibly ignored in that setting."

Dani cursed to herself. Of course Sean had been quiet during Kendra's visit; he didn't know her! "Is there anything else, Ms. Holmes?" the judge asked.

"No, Your Honor."

"Then I will call a one-hour recess for lunch while I consider the case. All parties will return at twelve thirty."

"What do you think our chances are?" Dani asked Martin as they left the courtroom.

"Honestly, I couldn't say. We have a strong case, but so does Julie."

"So what should we do now?" Jason asked.

"Take Sean, go to lunch, and try to think about something pleasant for the next hour."

* * *

Dani and Jason took Sean and Phyllis to Burger King for lunch. They would rather have gone somewhere more special, but they allowed Sean to choose the location. On the walk back to the courthouse, they stopped at a toy store. "You can pick any toy you want," Dani told Sean.

Sean, to their surprise, chose a dollhouse family of five dolls. "It us," he explained. "Mommy Dani, Jason, Anna, Sean, and Melanie."

"Are you sure that's what you want?" Jason asked.

Sean nodded. "Now I see you all time," he said.

"Sean, the judge might let you stay with Dani and Jason," Phyllis said.

"No," the boy said sadly. "My Daddy telled me."

"He keeps saying that!" Phyllis exclaimed, exasperated.

"It's true," Dani said gently.

"I know, but that doesn't make it any easier to hear!"

They paid for Sean's dolls, and returned to the courthouse. "I've considered this case carefully," the judge said. "On one hand, I have a family, chosen as guardians by the custodial parent before his death, who wish the child to remain with them, and who have shown themselves able to care for the child. On the other hand, I have the child's mother, who has taken many steps to regain custody of her child.

"This was a difficult decision. I do not wish to disrupt Sean; he's had enough of that in his life. However, Ms. Ryan has shown herself to be well on the way to being a good parent to Sean. I believe that the Sheridans genuinely care for the boy, but they have known him only a short time, and they have two children of their own. I cannot, in good conscience, award custody to them in the presence of a capable, biological parent. I therefore am awarding custody of the minor child, Sean Joseph Ryan, to his mother, Julie Ryan."

Dani was stunned. Jason seemed about to cry. "Your Honor, may we discuss visitation rights for my clients?" Martin said.

"Your Honor, we do not feel that visitation is called for in this case," Warner said. "The Sheridans are not related to the child, and have essentially been functioning only as foster parents."

"The Sheridans signed documents designating them legal guardians of the child," Martin countered. "We feel that it would make the transition easier for Sean if he still had contact with them."

"Your Honor, we feel the opposite," Warner said. "Sean has not had much contact with his mother in the past year, and therefore does not have a relationship with her. He needs time to make the adjustment to living with her. We feel that the relationship he has developed with the Sheridans would interfere in Julie's attempt to build a relationship with him."

"Both sides have made good arguments in this matter," the judge said, "and for that reason, I will suggest a compromise. For three months, the Sheridans may have contact with Sean by letter only. Ms. Ryan, any letters received from the Sheridans will be read to Sean exactly as written. At the end of those three months, the Sheridans may repetition this court for instatement of full visitation rights."

No contact for three months. With those words, Dani felt the world fall out from under her.

"You did your best," Ben said.

"Am I going to see you every time I faint?" Dani asked.

"Are you planning to faint on a regular basis?" He sobered. "No, you won't be seeing me."

"Is Sean going to be all right, or is Julie going to hurt him again?"

"Don't worry. I'll still be with him. He may even still see me, until he's older and Julie convinces him he's imagining it."

"I'm sorry, Ben," Dani said, finally letting the tears come.

"Don't cry," Ben said. "You tried. No one else would have done as much."

"We won't see Sean again, will we."

"I wouldn't be too sure of that. The universe still has its sense of symmetry. I have to go now, Dani. Please don't forget me."

"I love you, Ben," Dani whispered as she came to.

Jason was kneeling beside her. "Dani, are you all right?" he asked.

"I'll have to be," Dani replied. She held out her hand, and Jason took it and helped her to her feet. "Come on," Dani said. "Let's go say goodbye to Sean."

* * *

Sean was allowed to go home with them that night. He didn't stop crying until they were home. Anna started crying when they got home, because her playtime with Allie had been cut short. "We could have stayed longer!" Anna insisted.

"Anna, Sean was crying," Dani said. "Daddy and I wanted to get home so we could try to calm him down."

"He's not crying now," Anna pointed out. "Let's go back to Allie's."

"Anna, drop it," Jason said, more harshly than he probably meant. Anna burst into tears again.

Dani sat down, holding Melanie, and Sean climbed up beside her. Anna sat on Dani's other side. "I think everyone's kind of sad right now," Dani said.

"Melanie not sad," Sean said.

"Yeah, she is," Anna argued. "She isn't smiley-face."

"I don't think Melanie understands what's happening," Dani said. "But if she does, then I'm sure she's sad too."

"I don't understand neither," Anna said. 

"I not live here now," Sean said.

"We knowed that," Anna said.

"The judge say it now," Sean said.

"Anna, tonight's the last night that Sean will live with us," Dani explained. "When we saw the judge today, he said Sean should live with his mommy. So, tomorrow morning, his mommy will come pick him up and take him to her home."

"But we'll visit, right?" Anna asked.

Jason shook his head. "Anna, we won't be able to visit Sean for a while," he said. "The judge said we can't even talk to him on the phone until he's lived with his mommy for a while. But we can still send him letters and pictures."

"I wanna visit him!" Anna wailed.

Sean, having recovered from his crying fit, was surprisingly calm. "No cry, Anna," he said.

"I'll miss you!" Anna sobbed. "You're never gonna come here again!"

"I miss you, too," Sean said.

Dani laid her cheek on Melanie's soft head, blinking back her tears. Jason, noticing, knelt beside her and took her hand. "We'll all miss Sean," he said.

"He's my brother!" Anna declared. "That judge is stupid!"

"I think you're right, Anna," Dani said. "But even if Sean isn't living here, he'll still be your brother. You just have to remember him."

"I think we need to pack," Jason said gently.

"You get started, please," Dani said. "I'll be up in a minute."

Jason went down to the cellar to get an empty box, then went up to Sean's room. "Sean, why don't you and Anna go help Jason," Dani suggested.

"Let's go, Anna," said Sean, finally turning the tables on all the times Anna had given him orders. Anna followed him without argument.

Dani set Melanie down in her playpen and went into the kitchen. Pictures that Anna and Sean had drawn were hanging on the refrigerator. Dani hesitated, then began removing the pictures. Seeing Sean's drawings there would be too painful with him gone, and seeing Anna's drawings there alone would only remind Dani of Sean's absence. She made a neat stack of the papers and put them in her desk, then went upstairs to help Jason.

Anna was standing in the packing box with her eyes closed, tears running down her face, and her hands covering her ears. "She's been there since we came upstairs," Jason told Dani. "She won't get out."

"Take her out," Dani said.

"She get back in," Sean said.

"That's right," Jason agreed. "I've taken her out of that box twice, and both times she's climbed right back in. And I don't really want to send her to her room."

"Good thinking," Dani said. She sat on the floor beside the box and pulled one of Anna's hands away from her ear. "Anna, why are you in the box?" she asked.

"I wanna be packed," Anna said. She put her hand back over her ear.

Dani pulled it away again. "Why do you want to be packed?"

"So I can go with Sean."

Dani lifted Anna out of the box, and settled the child on her lap. "Darling, I know you want Sean to stay with us, or to go with him, but it can't work that way. You're my little girl and Daddy's little girl, and you live with us. Sean is our little boy because we love him, but he's his mommy's little boy because he was born to her, and that's what's more important to the judge."

"He's a bad judge," Anna said.

"I hide," Sean said. "Then Mommy not take me."

Dani smiled. "Sweetheart, I wish that would work, but it won't. If you hide when your mommy comes to get you, she'll be sad. And the judge would get mad, and Jason and I might get in trouble. We want you to stay here, but we have to do what the judge says. But we'll write letters to you, and as soon as the judge says it's okay, we'll call you and come visit."

'Promise?" Sean said.

"Promise!" Anna said. "I love you, Sean."

"I love you, too, Anna," Sean said.

Dani had to leave the room. It was ten minutes before she stopped crying long enough to see her way downstairs.

* * *

Julie was there at eight o'clock the next morning. Dani had expected her to be early, and had all of Sean's belongings ready to go. "What's in there?" Julie asked, indicating the box.

"Sean's clothes and toys," Dani replied.

"Stuff he had, or stuff you gave him?"

"Some of both. Mostly stuff he had. Julie, if you're thinking about getting rid of the things we gave him, please don't. It's hard enough that he won't see us anymore. At least let him have some memory of us."

"What kind of a mother do you think I am?"

"One who loves her son enough to change her life to get him back. And one who trusts his love for her enough to let him have some memory of the friends who took care of him. And of his father."

"Don't even bring Ben into this." Julie barely kept the fury from her voice.

"All right."

Dani met Julie's glare, and held her gaze until Julie had to look away. "Okay, he can keep the stuff," Julie said uncomfortably. "But I'm not going to talk to him about you or Ben. He's my son, not yours. And why should I do any favors for his father? He never did anything for me."

"He gave you Sean," Dani pointed out.

"Yeah. The bastard giveth, and the bastard taketh away. Is Sean ready?"

"Can he have a minute to say goodbye to my daughters?"

"Yeah, all right."

Dani led Julie into the living room. Unobserved by the children, they watched as Sean kissed first Melanie, then Anna. "I miss you," he said. "No cry, Anna. No be sad. My mommy take care me, and your mommy take care you."

"And your daddy take care of you," Anna said.

"Yeah, 'cause he a angel with Jesus."

"Don't forget to pray at nighttime," Anna said. She saw Dani and Julie in the doorway. "Your mommy's here, Sean."

Sean walked slowly to Julie, who picked him up and gave him a kiss. "What's this about Daddy taking care of you?" she asked, giving Dani a hard look.

"When someone go to Heaven, they a angel. Daddy look after me 'cause he a angel and he love me."

Dani said a swift, silent prayer that Julie would allow Sean to hold onto this belief. To her relief, Julie didn't argue with Sean. "That's right," she said. "Your daddy's in Heaven now." The look she gave Dani said that she really believed that Ben was in Hell.

"I'll take the box out to your car," Jason told Julie.

He carried the box out, Julie following with Sean in her arms. She paused to allow Dani and Jason to kiss the little boy, then put him into the car. "You can write if you want," she said. "I'll let him have the letters. But I wouldn't count on seeing him anytime soon."

"You never know," Dani said smoothly.

As soon as Julie drove away, Dani started punching and kicking the wall of the house. Jason put his arms around her from behind to restrain her. "Dani, stop it!" he ordered. "You're going to hurt yourself! Think about the girls. Do you want them to see you bleeding in the emergency room?"

Dani turned to him, and, burying her face in his shoulder, burst into tears. She could feel Jason's tears too, falling hot on her head. "We've lost him," she sobbed.

"No, we haven't," Jason said adamantly. "We'll get visitation. We won't lose him, Dani."

Dani wondered if he was as unconvinced as he sounded.

* * *

They sent a letter to Sean the following week. It was returned, stamped, "Addressee Unknown." The next four letters, which were mailed over the next month to Julie's address, the Perrys address, and even the court, were all returned the same way.

"I haven't seen him since she took him," Phyllis said. She had come to visit the Sheridans in response to a phone call from Dani. "She's called me a few times, though, and let me speak to him. He sounds okay, says he misses me and you guys. But Julie won't tell me where they are."

"At least you're allowed to talk to him," Jason said. "We haven't even gotten a letter."

"She said we wouldn't," Dani said. "The day she took him, she said we could write, but we wouldn't be seeing him. Well, we've written to him, but he hasn't gotten the letters. We keep getting them back."

"Grammy Phyllis, have you seen Sean?" Anna asked.

"No, Honey," Phyllis said. "But I talked to him on the phone the other day. He told me to give you a big hug." She picked up the little girl, hugged her, and put her down.

"That was a nice hug, Grammy Phyllis," Anna said solemnly. "But Sean was a better hugger."

"I know he was," Phyllis said, smiling.

Dani had called Phyllis because they hadn't heard from her since the hearing. When questioned, Phyllis explained that she felt awkward contacting them now that Sean was gone. Dani assured her that the Sheridans considered her family, and would be disappointed if she didn't stay in touch. "I'm glad you came over," Dani said now.

"So am I," Phyllis said. "I lost my son and my grandson, but at least I have you and your family. The way Ben used to talk about you, I felt like I knew you so well."

"Ben used to talk about Dani?" Jason asked suspiciously.

"Let it go, Jason," Dani said in a warning tone. "I don't know why you and I didn't get to know each other better when Ben was here," she said to Phyllis.

"Neither do I," Phyllis replied. "But I'm glad we know each other now."

* * *

Whenever Phyllis came to visit, Anna asked her about Sean. The girl told everyone she met, even complete strangers, that her brother's mommy had taken her brother away. In desperation, Dani finally called Kendra Holmes. "I'm surprised to hear from you, Mrs. Sheridan," the social worker said. "I'm sorry the hearing didn't go as you had hoped."

It would have if you hadn't badmouthed us, Dani thought. Aloud, she said, "Actually, that's why I'm calling you, Ms. Holmes. My daughter is having a lot of trouble adjusting to the situation. I was hoping you could recommend a counselor for her."




A Sense of Symmetry Pt. 11



"Have you tried the Center for Grieving Children?"

"I thought they only dealt with children who had lost a loved one through death. I took Sean there when he first came to us."

"That is their primary concern, but they do help children who have suffered any kind of loss, whether through death, divorce, or a situation like this. If they can't help you, they'd be better able than I to recommend someone who can. Best of luck."

"Thank you," Dani hung up and dialed the number for the Center.

After being shuffled from person to person, Dani was finally able to make an appointment for Anna. "Isn't she a little young for that?" Jason asked when Dani asked him to attend the appointment.

"I don't think so," Dani said. "She cries half the time, she won't play, and she talks about Sean constantly. She needs help to deal with all this, and you and I are too busy grieving ourselves to be able to help her."

"Grieving?" Jason repeated. "You make it sound like he's dead, Dani. We're going to see him again. We only have two months till we can go back to court for visitation, and-"

"And no one seems to know where Julie's taken him," Dani said. "And it doesn't matter right now, because we aren't talking about Sean. We're talking about our daughter. The one who sits on the living room floor all day, won't touch her toys, and barely talks to anyone except Melanie. She needs help, Jason. If you won't come to the appointment, fine. But I'm taking Anna to meet with this woman."

"Whether I want you to or not."

"Damn straight. We went through this same argument when I wanted to get Sean help dealing with Ben's death. You were wrong then, and you're wrong now."

"I don't like counseling, Dani. It doesn't do any good in the long run."

"That depends. Do you think it's good for you to have the girls and me? Because don't forget, Jason, if you hadn't gotten counseling when Anna was a baby, you and I wouldn't be having this argument right now, because I would have divorced you."

"You're right," Jason said. "I'm sorry. I still don't like counseling, and I'm still not going with you and Anna. But it helped me, and I guess it helped Sean, so it should help Anna."

"I sure hope so," Dani said.

* * *

Two days later, Dani and Anna went to the counselor's office. "Mommy, why we here?" Anna asked.

"We're going to talk to a lady named Jane," Dani replied. "She wants to talk to you a little bit."

"About what?"

"About Sean."

Dani couldn't have anticipated Anna's reaction. "No! No! No!" the child screamed. "No Sean! No!"

As Dani attempted to calm the little girl, a woman came out of the office. "Are you Dani?" she asked over Anna's screams.

"Yes."

"I'm Jane. Why don't you bring her right in?"

When Dani tried to pick up Anna, Anna punched her. Dani picked her up anyway, holding her so she couldn't move her arms. "Let go!" Anna shrieked.

When they were inside the office, Dani set Anna down. Anna threw herself on the floor and continued to scream. Motioning Dani to stay back, Jane knelt beside the girl. "Anna, my name is Jane," she said, quietly but firmly. "I know you are angry, but this is not acceptable behavior in my office. Please stop."

"Anna stopped screaming long enough to hear what Jane was saying, but resumed as soon as Jane had stopped speaking. "Anna, you are not being appropriate," Jane said in the same quiet tone. "If you cannot control yourself, I will help you. Are you able to stop screaming?"

"Yes!" Anna shouted.

"I do not like the way you are speaking to me, Anna. Please answer me in a polite tone. Are you able to stop screaming?"

"Yes," Anna said quietly.

"Thank you. Please get up off the floor and sit in the blue chair while I talk to your mother." She stood up and went over to Dani. "I hope you don't mind my stepping in like that."

"Not at all," Dani replied. She looked at Anna, who had climbed into the blue armchair next to Jane's desk. "I had no idea she was going to do that."

"No, I wouldn't think you did. Do you know what set her off?"

"Yes. It was when I said Sean's name."

"Sean is the little boy who was living with you?"

"Yes. And Anna's reaction to his leaving is why we're here."

"Why don't you go into the next room and let me talk to Anna for a little while. There's a one-way mirror in there, so you'll be able to observe us, but I think Anna might open up more if you weren't in the room."

"I think you might be right," Dani said.

"Why don't you tell her where you're going."

Dani went to Anna. "I'm sorry, Mommy," Anna said.

"It's all right, Sweetheart," Dani said, giving her a hug. "Listen. Jane wants to talk to you for a few minutes, so I'm going into the room next door. That way you can tell Jane anything you want, because I won't hear you."

"Will you come back?" Anna asked, suddenly frightened.

"Of course I will," Dani said. "I'll be right in the next room. If you need me, Jane will come get me, and I'll come back in here when you and she are done talking. I promise."

"Okay."

Dani went into the next room, which was set up as a waiting room. She didn't want to eavesdrop on Anna's talk with Jane, so she sat down and leafed through some magazines. She occasionally glanced at the one-way mirror to see if Anna and Jane were done yet. Finally, Jane tapped on the glass and beckoned Dani back into the office. "Mommy, it's a magic mirror!" Anna said when Dani came in. "Can I look through it?"

"After I talk to Jane," Dani said.

"Did you watch me, Mommy?" Anna asked.

"Some of the time."

"Anna, you may choose one toy from my closet to play with while your mother and I talk," Jane said.

Anna chose a Colorforms set, and settled down on the floor by the closet to play with it. Dani took the chair next to Jane's desk. "I think you might have guessed part of the problem," Jane said.

"Sean was taken away, and Anna's afraid she's going to be next," Dani said.

"Exactly. She told me- she expresses herself extremely well for her age, by the way- she told me that she misses Sean, and she thinks he left because she kept fighting with him. She's also afraid that she might have another mother who will take her away from you. We discussed what she told me, and I think I've eased her fears somewhat. But it's really up to you and your husband. At her age, what her parents say and do is more important to her than anything else. Make sure she knows you love her, and that she is your daughter and no one will take her away. And do talk about Sean. Let Anna know that it's okay to miss him, and that you miss him, too. But try not to mention the custody aspect; that's what she's most upset about. Downplay the idea of Sean's mother 'taking him away,' and make it sound more like he's just gone to live with her instead of being taken there."

"Should she come back to see you?" Dani asked.

"I think it might be helpful."

"All right, then," Dani said. "When should we come?"

Jane smiled. "I'm glad you feel that way, Dani. You wouldn't believe how many parents bring their children to me, then throw a fit when I won't pronounce the child cured after one visit. Would next Thursday be all right, at the same time?"

"That would be fine," Dani said. "Thank you." She got up. "Anna, would you like to come back and talk to Jane another time?"

"Can I play with this again?" Anna asked.

"Sure. But right now, it's time to pick up."

Anna started putting the playset away. "Can I go look through the magic mirror?"

Dani smiled. "Of course you can."

They went into the other room so Anna could look through the "magic mirror," then went home. "Did you like Jane?" Dani asked the child.

"She's nice."

"That's good. What did you talk about?"

"My brother. Mommy, will you really never go away from me?"

"Not until I'm very, very, very old. And that won't be for a long time. You're my Anna-girl, and I'm not leaving you. And no one's going to take you away from me, either."

"I love you, Mommy."

"I love you, too, Sweetheart." Ignoring the tears that began to fall, Dani smiled. Someday, they would see Sean again. Meanwhile, the healing had begun.

Epilogue

As time went on, Anna stopped talking about her "brother." Dani didn't know for sure whether the child had forgotten Sean, or just didn't want to talk about him anymore.

Jason, as usual, dealt with something unpleasant by pretending it didn't exist. At the three-month mark, the Sheridans petitioned the court for visitation rights. The rights were denied; the judge said it was an issue that could be settled between the Sheridans and Julie without the court's intervention. But no one seemed to know where Julie was. From that day on, Jason refused to mention the boy.

Melanie, of course, had no memory of Sean. Dani considered telling her about him when Melanie was old enough, but rejected the idea. Melanie might not understand why her father and sister never talked about Sean. Dani also had a feeling that telling Melanie about Sean would benefit her more than it would Melanie. This left Dani with no one in her family to talk to about Sean, except herself and Ben. The conversations with Ben, of course, were only in her imagination. She had no more dreams about him after the custody hearing.

"Sean's doing all right," Phyllis reported periodically. "Julie's got him in Head Start." Or, "He scored so high on the kindergarten screening that they might bump him up to first grade." Or, "He got the highest score in the school on his achievement test." Phyllis never actually saw Sean, but Julie continued to allow her to speak to the boy on the phone, and Phyllis always passed along the information from the phone calls.

Nine months after Sean was taken away, the Sheridans celebrated the birth of Steve and Robin's second child, a son. As the first male grandchild in the family, the baby was being spoiled rotten before he even came home from the hospital. Steve and Robin allowed Jason and Dani, the baby's godparents, to choose his name. After some consultation, they agreed on Joseph Steven, to be nicknamed Joey.

Dani and Jason had no more children. Because both of her pregnancies had been high-risk, Dani had had her tubes tied when Melanie was born, so another biological child was out of the question. "We could adopt," Jason suggested shortly after Joey was born.

"No," Dani said, in an "end-of-discussion" tone.

"Why not?"

"Because I'd be too paranoid. What if we had all the plans made, and the birth mother backed out? Or if we wanted to adopt an older child, and the parents took him back? It just wouldn't work, Jason. We have the girls. They're enough."

"Dani, it's been almost a year," Jason said. "Get on with your life."

"I have gotten on with my life," Dani said. "Anna will be in kindergarten in the fall, and Melanie will be old enough to go to daycare. I went yesterday and signed up for a couple graduate courses at the University. I'm going to get my teaching certification up-to-date, and go back to teaching next year."

"Were you going to discuss this with me? Where'd we get the money for you to take college courses, anyway?"

"I just did discuss it with you. And my grandmother gave it to me."

Dani had gotten her bachelor's degree in education just before she married Jason. She had taught for one year, but had quit to stay home with Anna. Now, working toward getting recertified, Dani felt like she was accomplishing something. And, more importantly, the work gave her something to focus on instead of Sean.

* * *

Years went by. Dani got her master's degree, and secured a position teaching first grade at the school Anna and Melanie attended. Anna, popular and imaginative, entered high school as an A-student. By her sophomore year, she had earned the distinction of being the lead actress in most of the school plays. She was also a cheerleader and a soloist in the school chorus. Melanie, more athletic than her sister, had insisted on having gymnastics lessons at age three. By age twelve, she was winning medals in almost every competition she entered. She maintained honor-roll grades, and tutored special-needs students at her middle school.

One day toward the end of her sophomore year, Anna came running into the house after her play rehearsal, looking like she had won the lottery. "He said yes!"

"Who said yes to what?" Dani asked without looking up from her lesson plans. She had become accustomed to Anna's exclaiming over a different boy every other week.

"Remember that new boy I told you about? The way-cute one who just moved up from Mass.? The freshman who beat out Seth for the lead in the play?"

"How could I forget? He's all you've been talking about."

"Incessantly," Melanie added.

Anna glared at her. "Well, I asked him to the Spring Prom, and he said yes!"

"I thought the prom was just for seniors," said Melanie, who as yet had little interest in boys, and less in dances.

"That's the Senior Prom, Dumbo," Anna said. "The Spring Prom is for everyone in high school.

"Anna, don't call your sister Dumbo," Dani said. "I think I'd like to meet this boy before you go to the prom with him. And I know your father would."

"I knew you'd say that," Anna said. "He's coming over tomorrow after school. I'm tutoring him for a French test."

"A French kiss test, probably," said Melanie. She hid behind her mother as her sister came after her.

"Knock it off," Dani said. "That's fine, Anna. Your father's working third shift tomorrow, so he'll be here when you get home." Jason, now a foreman at the machine shop, worked a schedule in which he and the other two foremen rotated shifts. "What's the boy's name, anyway?" Dani asked, realizing that despite all of Anna's talk about the boy, she had never mentioned his name.

"Sean."

Dani stared at her daughter for a minute, then shook her head as if to clear it. There had to be hundreds, if not thousands, of high school freshmen named Sean who came from Massachusetts. It couldn't be, she thought. "Sean what?" she asked, but Anna had gone upstairs.

* * *

When Dani got home the next afternoon, Jason and Melanie were arguing over who was supposed to mow the lawn. "I have a competition tomorrow night, Dad," Melanie said. "I have to practice my routine."

"Pretend the mower handle is an uneven bar," Jason said unsympathetically. "Anna did it last week, and I did it the week before. It's your turn."

Melanie, sulking, went outside. "Where's Anna?" Dani asked.

"Not home yet. She called and said she had to go to the library before she came home."

"Her new boyfriend's coming with her." 

"I know. She told me."

"His name's Sean."

Jason looked closely at her. "Dani, I know what you're thinking," he said. "It isn't possible."

"He's from Massachusetts," Dani said. And Anna's the same age I was when I met Ben. But she didn't say this aloud. Jason wouldn't have seen the logic.

"Dani, do you know how many Seans there must be in Massachusetts?"

Before Dani could answer, Anna came slamming into the house. "Don't slam the door!" Jason shouted.

"Sorry," Anna called back. "See, Sean, I told you they're typical," they heard her add.

"I wish I had typical parents," was the reply.

Anna came into the room, followed by the boy. Dani caught her breath. There was no doubt who he was. He was identical to the way Ben had looked at his age. "Mom, Daddy, this is Sean Ryan," Anna said.

Jason looked at Dani, and nudged her to make her respond. "It's- um, it's nice to see you, Sean," said Dani, unsure whether the boy might remember her.

He smiled. "It's nice to see you, too, Mrs. Sheridan."

"You can call me Dani."

"They're decent," Anna said. "They let all my friends call them by their first names."

"You can call me Jason," Jason said, shaking hands with the boy.

"Is it okay if I go to Sean's to work on his French with him?" Anna asked. "His mother's there. She wants to meet me."

"I'm sure she'll be very interested to meet you," Dani said.

Anna looked at her strangely. "So can I go?"

"Go ahead," Jason said. "Call for a ride if it gets dark before you come home."

"I will," Anna sighed. "Come on, Sean."

"Some things never change," Dani said as the kids left. "She's still bossing him around."

"They don't remember each other, do they," Jason said.

"I don't think so. Not consciously, anyway."

"Should we tell them?"

"Only if they ask. I think it's better that way. I just wish I could be a fly on the wall when Julie hears the name Anna Sheridan."

"So do I," Jason said. "Dani, how did you know? How did you know that Anna's Sean was our Sean?"

"I've always known we'd see him again."

"I know that. But how did you know that this was him?"

"It had to be," Dani said. "The universe has a strong sense of symmetry. It just had to be."

"Wouldn't it be weird if they got married in ten years or so?" Jason said.

Dani smiled. "I bet they will," she said. She and Ben had never had a chance to be together. It was right that their children would.