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Fool's Gold Ch. 01

By: capecodmercury



Author's Note: This story is not intended as a stroke story. There is little or no sex and most of that takes place off screen. The intent is to track a man's emotional state and growth in the aftermath of an unexpected divorce.

I would like to thank TeNderLoin for his assistance in editing this story. His suggestions and help have made it better and are truly appreciated.

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Fool's Gold Ch. 01



In the end, the girls cried themselves to the point of exhaustion and I left them huddled together on Lacey's bed. I covered them with a bedspread and made my weary way back downstairs. I was thankful that Anne hadn't tried to insert herself onto the meeting. She'd get her chance to talk to the girls later.

With a heavy heart, I paused at the stair case landing. I dreaded going back into the living room. I really didn't want to fight with Anne anymore that night, but I had to talk to her. We needed to discuss how our breakup would affect the girls.

When I returned to the living room, I saw Anne hastily putting away her cell phone. I assumed that she had been talking to that asshole Johnson, telling him what had happened. It should have infuriated me, but at that time, I was too exhausted to care. It was just another sign that the marriage was over. From the blotches around her eyes, it was obvious that she had been crying, too. 

She looked up at me apprehensively as I sat down. It puzzled me for an instant and then I understood. She was afraid of what I had told the girls. She thought that I had told them about her fucking Johnson. She was concerned that I had given into my anger and had blamed her for everything. She thought that I had taken the opportunity to turn the girls against her. 

I shook my head in disgust. "Jesus Christ, Anne. Give me some credit. I might hate you right now, but you're their mother. They need both of us. I'm not going to try to turn the girls against you. 

My eyes glinted as I leaned forward. "Let's set one ground rule now. We're getting divorced, not the kids. I don't want them dragged into the middle of this shit. I won't trash you to them and I expect you to do the same. Let's keep this between the two of us, and try to keep it as painless as possible for the kids."

Anne nodded gratefully. "What did you tell them?"

"I just said that we were having troubles and had decided to split up. If you want to tell them what really happened, then be my guest. I don't think they need to know right now. But, if you want to confess, I'll leave it up to you. Just don't make me the villain."

I grabbed the watered down remnants of my drink and downed it quickly. I was tempted to get another. Hell, I was tempted to have a bunch. But drowning my sorrows was not my way. I rubbed my neck and looked over to her tiredly. "I can't deal with this anymore tonight. All we'll do is get into another argument and wake the kids up. So why don't you get what you need out of the bedroom now. I want to go to bed."

I was kind of surprised that I didn't get any more of an argument out of Anne. She slowly nodded and went upstairs. At that time, I really didn't know or care if she was staying or leaving. She came down a few minutes later carrying a small bag. She looked at me sorrowfully. 

"I'll call the girls tomorrow and I'll let you know when I am coming by to pick up a few more things. I'm going to go stay with a friend for a few days."

I snorted. I assumed that she was heading out to shack up with Johnson. She looked like she wanted to say something but turned away and headed quietly out the door. 

As she opened it, I heard her murmur sadly, "Bill, I'm truly sorry," but she was gone before I could respond. 

I stared at the wall for a while and then went to my solitary bed to lie awake staring at the ceiling trying to figure out what had gone wrong with my life.

The next few weeks were hell. To my chagrin, Anne and I rapidly fell into a pattern of sniping and bickering that threatened to spiral out of control. I guess it started the day after Anne left. 

I had called into work to let them know that I was taking a few personal days off to deal with the crisis. My boss wasn't happy, but he could understand where I was coming from. Joe had gone through a hellacious divorce a few years earlier that had left him understandably bitter. He was a charter member of the "Women are not to be trusted" club and was eager to give me some clues on how to take Anne to the cleaners. He gave me some recommendations on a good aggressive divorce attorney, and suggested that I start to take some steps to protect my assets.

The girls had been surprised in the morning to find that the mother was not there, but were mollified by her promise that she would call them. I gave them my promise that we would discuss matters further after school. They wanted to stay home, but I knew that I would be busy and I didn't want them to sit and obsess over the divorce. So I sent them to school in the hopes that they might be distracted from the situation. Just to be safe, I contacted the school guidance office to advise them of the situation. They recommended a counselor for the girls to meet with if it became necessary.

Maybe I was naïve. I never even considered the possibility that Anne would try to "snatch" the girls from my custody. I just didn't think she had it in her. Luckily, it didn't occur to her either. She did pick up the girls from their school, but only so she could talk to them. She even had the courtesy to call me to tell me what she had done so I wouldn't get worried when they did not get home on time. Still I paced and worried, until I saw her car pull up.

I was not feeling too charitable towards Anne. During the day I had learned some new information on what was going on. I had a pretty good idea what had precipitated her decision and I was pissed. I had received an unexpected visitor a few hours earlier: Claire Johnson. Claire was Alan's wife. She had come to expose her husband's sordid little affair with Anne. 

Claire had been tracking the two of them for about two or three months and had all sorts of evidence that she wanted to show me. She had managed to get photographs and video of the two of them together. I took note of it, but I declined her offer to see it all. I didn't want to know the grisly details or watch my wife get fucked by Alan Johnson. The few pictures she did give me of their kissing were enough to turn my stomach. I didn't need any further evidence of Anne's betrayal.

The worst thing however was something that was not said. From the beginning of her visit, Claire acted like she expected me to know about the affair. When I commented on this, she disclosed the fact that she had confronted the two of them yesterday during a luncheon tryst. 

Alan hadn't left her, she had told him to get the hell out. What was worse, she had specifically told Anne that she was going to let me know. Anne knew the jig was up for her, too. Anne knew that Claire had a copy of the evidence with my name on it that she was going to get to me as soon as possible. 

Claire's revelation floored me. Now I understood why Anne had asked for the divorce out of the blue. She knew damn well that Claire was going to tell me about her affair. She had tried to gain the upper hand by dumping me before I found out.

The dishonesty of her actions was unbelievable. It couldn't be viewed as anything but coldhearted and deceptive. She had tried to manipulate me into leaving the house while hiding her guilt from me. The only thing that confused me is that it just didn't seem to make sense. I had never considered Anne to be that self centered and conniving. I began to wonder if I had ever really known Anne at all.

In any event, while anxiously awaiting Anne to return with the girls, I made my decision. If she could act that callously to me, then I would play hardball, too. I'd live up to my promise not to get the girls involved, but in all other respects, it was going to be all out war. I had decided to take Joe's advice and make her pay in the divorce. In the meantime, I started to look for little ways to annoy and harass her. I wanted to pay her back for the aggravation that she had caused me.

I'm sure most of you have gone through a tough breakup at some point in your life. You know how easy it is to succumb to the baser part of your nature, and fall into an "us" versus "them" mentality. You attack your former lover in an effort to ease some of the pain in your heart. You fight over things you don't care about, just because you know it will piss off the other side.

That is the pattern that Anne and I fell into. Every little attack or slight that I gave to Anne was responded to in kind, and then I retaliated to her actions. We weren't thinking, we were just responding. After all, you had to respond. Doing nothing might be seen as a sign of weakness.

In any event, we were acting like Palestine and Israel, or maybe the Hatfield's and the McCoy's. Slowly but surely our attacks on each other were escalating. We were in a downward spiral that seemed to be heading for a disastrous contested divorce where everything would be contested, starting with the custody of the girls.

That was when Laura stepped in. Laura was the one person I could always count on to support me and give me the advice I needed, whether I wanted to hear it or not. She was my "twin" sister.

Technically, Laura is my cousin, but that doesn't begin to do justice to our relationship. In our minds we are "twins with different mothers." To understand this, you need to know something about our parents. They are a living breathing human-interest story. To make a long story short, our mothers are identical twins, who met and fell in love with... you guessed it, another pair of identical twins.

Our parents took the twin thing to the extreme. Our Moms and Dads got married in a joint ceremony followed by a shared honeymoon. Nine months later, Laura and I were the result. Our Moms even managed to conceive at the same time and went into labor within minutes of each other. In my mind's eye, I can just see them in adjoining beds coordinating their contractions. 

Laura came first. The doctor had just enough time to deliver her and cut the umbilical cord before she had to rush over to catch me as I clawed my way squalling into the world. Laura's never let me forget that she is about ten minutes older than I am. 

For as far back as I can remember, Laura has been part of my life. Laura's family lived on the next street over, and our back yards abutted each other. In practice, we turned the back yard (and the two houses) into a shared space. It was like having a second home and family. Her parents were my parents and vice versa. I'm pretty sure that our Moms switched off on nursing us on occasion. It didn't bother me. I thought I was really lucky to have two Moms.

Aunt Cindy and Uncle Bill (yes, I'm named for my Uncle just like Laura is named for my mother) always treated me like their own child. To this day, I still call Aunt Cindy Mom at times. She takes it as a compliment and Uncle Bill doesn't mind either. I guess it's to be expected. From what I understand, genetically, I was their child and Laura was the child of my parents. It's no wonder we ended up acting like twins.

Laura's house was my second home and I probably slept there as often as I did in my own house. And when I wasn't at her house, she was at mine. We were inseparable. I'm told that when Laura and I were toddlers, the easiest way to put us down for a nap was to allow us to cuddle up like a pair of puppies. It may seem strange to others, but I grew up with four parents and two homes. 

Now, before anyone gets the wrong idea, as far as I know nothing kinky ever went on between our parents. Spare me the jokes or crude comments about how easy it would have been for our parents to make a mistake and switch off. Trust me, even with identical twins; there are enough differences for family members to be able to tell them apart. We all knew who was who. 

Similarly, don't even think that Laura and I ever did anything together. Laura was my best friend and in all-important respects my twin sister. We had that twin dynamic going full force. Kissing her would be like kissing a female version of me. Incest and narcissism are not kinks that I am into. 

Throughout grade and middle school, Laura and I were inseparable. We both took some teasing but we stuck up for each other. I probably took more lumps defending Laura than for any other reason and she did the same for me. If a boy or girl was not able to accept both of us as a friend, then the answer was plain; they didn't get either of us.

By high school, we had developed some differing interests, but we still hung out together more often than not. We ended up joining a loose group of friends that generally hung out together and had fun. It was nice to have someone to watch my back, and keep me from getting too stupid. Laura always kept her eye out for me and I was her protector. Our friends soon learned that we didn't keep secrets from one another. If a boy wanted Laura to know that he liked her, all he needed to do was to tell me. Same thing went for Laura. She hooked me up with most of my girlfriends in high school.

After high school we did go our own ways. Although we talked about going to the same school, our scholarship offers didn't match up. But, we did stay in close contact by phone. Laura ended up in medical school where she met her husband Ray. They now both work at a family practice in the next suburb from where I am living. I still get together with Laura frequently and talk to her by phone every day. She still serves as my closest confidant. To this day, she is closer to me than my own sister. 

Naturally, when the shit hit the fan with Anne, Laura was the first person I called. She commiserated with me, and shared my anger at Anne's betrayal. She also provided the counterpoint advice to my boss Joe, who was urging me to go for Anne's jugular in the divorce. 

The defining moment came about three weeks after Anne left. I had hired the lawyer that Joe had suggested, and had met with him a number to times to go over my priorities and concerns. If he was going to represent me in the divorce he needed to be made aware that my primary concern was the girls. I wanted custody. I was sure that this was going to be one of the biggest areas of conflict between Anne and me.

The prognosis he gave to me wasn't good. The local Courts were notorious for favoring the mother in custody disputes. It didn't mater if the father was active in the care of the children or not. If the mother was "fit", she was typically awarded custody. It seemed that the best I could hope for was a permissive visitation schedule.

The other alternative that he gave me, was to get nasty and drag Anne through the mud. My only hope of getting custody was to totally trash Anne. If I wanted to have a shot at getting awarded custody, I would have to make her out to be a totally unfit mother. 

He was suggesting that I sue for divorce based on the affair, and put forward every nasty piece of evidence that Claire Johnson had discovered. The idea was to show that Anne's continuing relationship with Johnson would put the girls at risk. He also wanted to allege that Anne had abandoned the girls by leaving the household. In other words, to get any shot at custody, I would have to destroy Anne's relationship with the girls. 

It was a sign of my desperation and mindset that I did not reject his idea out of hand but had told him that I would think about it.

I was having lunch with Laura, and gloomily telling her about his ideas. It wasn't that the idea of trashing Anne sounded good. I was uncomfortable with it, but I didn't see a choice. I really didn't want to get the girls involved, but my war with Anne had deteriorated to the point where I needed to fight her on this, just because I knew she wanted custody. I wasn't thinking about what was right or wrong anymore, just about how to beat her. 

Thank God that Laura was there to set me straight. Laura had heard all about my feud with Anne. She had been told about every grievance big and small and had heard loving detail about how I had paid Anne back. But my consideration of the custody fight was the last straw. 

Laura was fed up. 

"Have you had enough yet?" She asked tartly looking at me in annoyance.

"What do you mean?" 

"This vendetta of yours. Don't you think its time for you to grow up and get over this petty childishness?"

I couldn't help it. I put on my best whiny child's voice, "She started it!"

Laura groaned at my sally, and grinned in exasperation. 

"Oh no, not this time. You're not getting off the hook that easy. Look, Junior, I've sat here and heard you bitch and moan for the last three weeks about Anne and what she did to you. Well, it's time to grow up, and get over it. Stop reacting and start thinking!"

It wasn't until that point that I realized that Laura was trying to be serious. I had thought she was just kidding me, trying to get my mind off my troubles. Laura looked at me seriously.

"Bill, I know you're angry, and you're hurting. You have a right to be. I'm angry with Anne too. But, for God's sake, don't let your emotions push you into a corner that you can't get out of. I know it's hard, but you've got to think about the future, not the past."

I must have looked confused because she continued softly. "Look, just because your marriage is toast, it doesn't mean you have to destroy each other in the divorce. It's not too late to change what your life will be like after the divorce is over. Think about it. How do you want to end up in a few years? Do you really want to end up a bitter bastard like Joe? Do you really want to get to the point where you and Anne are at each other's throats constantly?

"I hate to tell you this, but that is where you are heading. The way you and Anne are acting, you're almost to the point of no return. You're both letting your anger get to you, and its causing both of you to play hardball. If it doesn't stop soon, you'll end up hating each other just like Joe hates his ex. If that happens, the only ones who are going to end up with any money at the end of your divorce are the lawyers.

"Besides, what about the girls? How is a nasty divorce going to affect them? How often does Joe get to see his kids?" I shook my head uneasily. Joe was lucky to see his son and daughter twice a year, and was always complaining about the roadblocks his ex was throwing up, to make regular visitations impossible. 

Laura must have seen the anguish in my face as she went on gently. "Do you want that to happen to you? Hell, would you really want to do that to Anne either? If you trash Anne in the divorce the way this shyster is asking you to, the only guaranteed result is that someone's going to get hurt badly, and the most likely candidates are Sarah and Lacey. 

"There's no way that you would be able to keep them from finding out about what happened. A fight is going to force them to choose sides. They are going to see you blaming Anne for the divorce. Anne is going to try to get back at you, and make you out to be the villain. There's a good chance that they're going to end up hating someone and they are going to end up being pawns in this little feud you have going on. It's a no win situation for everyone.

"When you told Anne that first night that the girls needed both parents, that might have been the last smart thing you said. Can't you see what you and Anne are doing? This isn't just about you and her. What about Sarah and Lacey? They're going to need both of you in the future!"

I grimaced at Laura. She had hit my weak spot and she knew it. Accusing me of hurting the kids was the one sure way of getting my attention. As she looked at my reaction, she nodded in satisfaction. She had given voice to the doubts that I had been feeling ever since I left the lawyer's office.

"So what do you want me to do?" I demanded miserably. "Give up and let Anne have custody and hope that she is willing to give me visitation rights? It's a no win situation."

Laura shook her head. "There is another choice but that asshole lawyer of yours doesn't see it. All he knows how to do is fight and claw. Ray's been talking to a friend of his and he asked if you had considered sharing custody. The Court's will go for it if the parties are willing to work together. I think you and Anne have a chance at cooperating, but it's got to start now!




Fool's Gold Ch. 01



"Call off the feud before it's too late." She urged. "You need to take the first step, and ask for a truce. Maybe if you and Anne sit down and discuss things like adults, you can come up with a solution you both can tolerate. You both love those girls to death and you both are exceptional parents. If you two can manage to be civil to each other for a few hours, I think you can come to a solution."

Laura smiled. "After all, the one thing you two still agree upon is the girls' welfare. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for them!"

I mumbled some comment about thinking about it. Her idea gave me a hope that I hadn't had before, but I didn't want to get too excited until I knew if it was a real possibility. At a minimum, it was worth a call to my lawyer to find out more about shared custody. 

Laura had given me a lot to think about so I tried to shift the remainder of our conversation to something innocuous, but Laura wouldn't let me. She wasn't quite done yet in meddling with my life. She had just gotten up a full head of steam. 

"Now for the rest of it. Heather called the other day. She's worried about you. The girls are worried about you. Hell even Ray is worried about you. When are you going to get your head out of your ass and stop moping around? 

"You're getting divorced. So what? Deal with it! It's not the end of the world. You've got to get on with your life. Focus on the future, and not the past. You've got to plan ahead," she urged. "Think about the future. Instead of letting this divorce turn you into a bitter wreck like Joe who can't trust anyone, try to think of the bright side."

"What bright side?" I interrupted morosely.

"Well, for one thing, if you play your cards right, you'll end up with more pussy than you can imagine." She stated bluntly.

I looked at her in amazement. She always could find a way to shock and surprise me, but this one came from left field. Sure when we were younger sex and dating had been a frequent topic of conversation. She had supported me in my first feeble attempts to explore the mysteries of the opposite sex. In a way, she had been my "mole" in the strange and mysterious camp of all things female. She had given me practical advice on the types of things that I could do to attract and keep a girl's attention. I had tried to do the same for her as she tried to understand boys. 

But we had stopped playing that game by the time we were fifteen. She had done it again. First she gives me a well-deserved kick in the ass, for playing with my girls' future, now she's giving me advice for the lovelorn. What was next? Was she going to get back into arranging dates for me? 

She noted my expression and smiled. 

"I figured that would get your attention." She said dryly. "You've got to look at this as an opportunity. How many divorcee's and widows our age are there at the club? How many guys do you know who've thrown away perfectly good marriages, for a piece of young tail? They're all just waiting for you." 

Laura snorted in amusement. "Hell, some of them are champing at the bit. As soon as word got out about your split with Anne, I had a couple of my friends ask me about you. Off the top of my head I can give you half a dozen names of women that would love to comfort you."

I must've looked doubtful because she shook her head in exasperation. "Don't you get it? A lot of women are in the same boat you're in. Their husbands cheated or they got dumped for some trophy wife. A lot of them are just looking for someone that they can relate to, someone who knows what they went through, someone they can trust. 

"You're the answer to their dreams. You are a trustworthy guy who might be in the market for a dependable woman. Not only that, you're in good shape, and you're half way decent looking." She laughed. "Give them half a chance and they'll eat you up!" 

I laughed with her, albeit bitterly.

"Right I'm a sex god, that's why Anne decided she needed to go fuck Alan Johnson. You're so full of shit, Asshole." I muttered. "I bet all your friends are just laughing at the cuckolded bastard."

Laura just shook her head in mock derision. "You stupid, stupid man. You are wrong in so many different ways that it's hard to know where to begin."

She sighed theatrically. "Alright, let's start with the thing that obviously seems to be bothering you the most: Your pride. Is your ego really that fragile? Do you honestly believe that everyone is going to be laughing at you because Anne fucked around on you? Get over it! Not only don't these women care, half of them know exactly what you are going through. Believe me; they've probably gone through worse self image problems than you ever will.

"I hate to bust your bubble, Junior, but chances are sex had nothing to do with why Anne had her affair. Did Anne ever complain about sex? Unlike guys, most women don't have affairs just because they're looking for something strange in the sack. There is usually some other reason that gets the ball rolling and the sex is a result, not the cause. 

"So don't get all worried about whether Anne left you because you were bad in the sack. This has nothing to do with your ability to make a girl see stars. Hell, if you remembered half of the stuff that I told you about when we were younger, you're better than most guys I've heard about. For what it's worth, I'm almost positive you're better than a self-centered prick like Johnson.

"You may not be a sex god, but who says you have to be? The women that you are going to be interested in are much more interested in what's here," Laura pointed to her head "and here," then she pointed to her chest, "than what you're packing down here." At this she pointed to his crotch. "You have nothing to worry about.

"I love you, Twin, but sometimes you can be a dunce. What in the hell do you really think that these women are looking for? Do you honestly believe that they're just looking for some quick sex? Women our age are looking for more than that. They want someone nice, someone they can feel comfortable being with. They want someone who is interested in them as a whole person, not just as a pussy to use and discard. They want a little romance, and someone to make them feel better about themselves. 

"You fit the bill on all counts. You're a nice guy, clean, honest, and dependable. You have a good job, and you're usually somewhat intelligent. You can even manage to hold up your end of a conversation. That's why my friends want to meet you. If you turn out to be good in the sack, that's just a bonus."

Laura went on intently. "No one is going to think less of you because Anne left you. Hell, the hardest part is going to be to keep a date from turning into a 'trash the ex' session. If you tell them about it, all they'll think is that Anne was a bitch for cheating on you, and a fool for letting you go. 

"And they'd be right!" Laura stated bluntly. "Anne's a fool and she's going to figure it out before too long. The best part is, if you really want to make her pay you don't have to do anything but be yourself. She may not know it yet, but I'll bet you a case of wine that she's going to be miserable in a few years."

Her pep talk had raised my spirits a little and I definitely perked up at her last statement. She noticed and gave an evil little chuckle and leaned forward. 

"Think about it. She was jealous and suspicious of you, just for hiring a young assistant. How's she going to deal with a slime bucket that she knows will go out and cheat on his wife? It's only a matter of time before he cheats on her, too, and she knows it. She gave you up for a pile of fool's gold.

"So you see you don't have to make yourself miserable in the divorce to pay her back. If you really want to make her regret what she did, just go on with your life, and be yourself. You can afford to be civil to her because you are set to have your cake and eat it too. You might get to survive this divorce, and actually have some fun with your life, too." 

For the rest of the lunch, we shifted our conversation to easier topics and rattled on about what the kids were doing, but she had given me a lot to think about. I excused myself to go call my lawyer. After our conversation where he somewhat grudgingly admitted the concept of shared custody, I finished work early and went home to take a walk with the kids.

As I sat at the park, watching them fool around on the swings, I thought back over what Laura had said. She had made a lot of sense. She was dead on about the risks involved in fighting custody. I would end up in a crapshoot, where someone was going to lose and there was no real assurance that I would win. My only hope was if I was willing to commit to go all out in trying to destroy Anne. 

But, did I really want to take that route? More to the point, was I even capable of doing what it would take? The past few weeks had been hard on the girls, and that was with a lot of contact with their mother. I hadn't tried to stop them from getting together. I had encouraged it because I could see that it helped them to adjust to what was going on. 

It was time for me to take a long hard look at my motivations. Was I demanding sole custody because it was best for the girls or because I wanted to pay Anne back? Had I lost focus on the girls in my efforts to get back at Annie? I hated her for what she had done to us, but she was a good mother, and the girls were going to need her. If I was honest with myself, there was no way that I could meet all of their needs as they grew up.

By the same token, Anne had the same problem. There were things that they were going to need their Daddy for, too. The girls needed and deserved two parents. I owed it to them to do my best to see that they got us both. If that meant that I needed to call a truce and try to work with Anne to arrange for some type of joint or shared custody, then so be it. In the scheme of things, my love for Lacey and Sarah far outweighed any satisfaction I might get from destroying Anne.

Later that night, I developed a greater appreciation for why feuds can last for years or even generations. Objectively, I had made my decision. It was in my best interest and in the girl's best interest to set down the hatchet and try to make peace with Anne. 

The problem was that this involved swallowing my pride and calling her. I was still angry with her and, on some level I knew that she was angry at me too. I'd certainly given her enough reasons over the past few weeks. I couldn't count on her to be the first one to ask for a truce. If I wanted it to happen, it was up to me to make the first step. Besides, her attorney was probably telling her that she was likely to get custody anyway.

But despite what my brain was telling me, there was this angry voice in my head telling me not to do it. She was the one that had broken up the marriage. She should be the one that comes crawling to me. It wasn't fair to require me to apologize and ask for peace. It was my right to demand satisfaction, to pay her back for everything she had done to me. 

In the end, I made the call. My love for the girls outweighed my pride. If it took an apology to resolve the issue, then I could deal with it. But it was the hardest thing I have ever done. 

When Anne answered her cell phone, the caller ID told her that it was me calling. 

"What do you want?" She demanded brusquely.

"Hi," I answered shortly. "I've been thinking. Can we meet somewhere tomorrow to talk? Things between us have been getting out of hand and I was hoping we could meet to calm things down."

"What type of shit are you trying to pull now?" She asked suspiciously.

Internally I sighed and swallowed the angry retort that sprang to mind. 

"Nothing. It's just that Laura rubbed my nose in the fact that our battles are beginning to affect the girls, and if we continue, it's bound to get worse. I don't think that either of us wants that. I'd like to call a truce to see if we can settle things civilly. Our marriage was a partnership for fifteen years. We should be able to get along for long enough to figure out what we are going to do. We owe it to the girls."

"I don't know," Anne responded doubtfully. "My lawyer told me not to."

"Anne, I'm not going to try to ram something down your throat. Hell, you've got as much experience in negotiation as I do. I'm not going to take advantage of you. I'm just trying to see if we can get through this divorce without hating each other's guts. I'm just trying to avoid some pain, that's all."

"What do you mean?" She responded slowly.

I sighed. This was going pretty much as expected. In the period of three short weeks, the wall between us had built up to the point where she wasn't willing to take anything I said at face value. 

"What I'm saying is that for the girls' sake, I hope we can keep this divorce from getting too nasty. I want to see if we can come to some type of agreement on sharing custody. Shit, my attorney is going to kill me for telling you this, but he's warned me that if we fight over custody, things are going to get real ugly."

"What..." She screeched.

"If I want to get custody of the girls, he told me that I'm going to have to trash you and use all the evidence of your affair that I can get my hands on." I said with trepidation. 

"Are you threatening me?" She demanded angrily.

"No. No," I stated hastily. "You know how I feel. Sarah and Lacey need both of us. That's why I'm calling you. I know that we both want to have custody, and I don't want this to cause us to go for each other's throats. That's what I want to talk to you about. A friend of Ray's suggested that we might want to look at a compromise by sharing custody. I just want to talk to you to see if this is a possibility. I don't want to make the girls choose sides."

Anne continued to make angry noises while I continued my efforts to placate her. Oddly enough, I had some empathy for how she was feeling. On some level she must have felt that I was using the threat of exposing the affair as a club. Her reaction couldn't be that much different from the surprise and anger I felt when she pulled the divorce on me. I knew it was going to take a while for her to calm down and think about what I had said.

"Just do me a favor and think about it, ok? All I'm asking is that we get together to talk about it. That's all I want. Give me a call back in a few days. In the meantime, I promise no more nasty surprises. I'm calling a cease-fire on our little feud."

I got her reluctant agreement, and hung up. Now that I had started the ball rolling, I had to do some serious thinking on what I was willing to offer Annie, in exchange for shared custody. When it came right down to it, she held most of the cards. The one option I had was a "nuclear" option I wasn't sure I was willing to play. I had to come up with a proposal that both Anne and I could live with. It wasn't going to be everything I wanted, but that is what compromise is all about. 

The biggest issue was going to be housing. I wanted to share physical custody. But the only way to make this work was if we both lived in the same school district. Otherwise, there could be difficulties in getting the girls to and from school. In reality, this would probably mean that I would have to give Annie the house.

Although I had put my foot down about not leaving the house three weeks ago, the truth of the matter was that I didn't really care if I stayed in the house or not. I just wasn't going to get pushed out on someone else's terms. I had no problem with Anne moving back into the house, just so long as she kept Johnson away from the girls, at least until after the divorce. If that was what it took to make things work, I'd move out tomorrow.

After all, I did have an ace up my sleeve. Sometimes, it pays to work for an architectural firm. I had great contacts with all the local contractors and real estate agents. Enough of them owed me favors that it wouldn't be hard for me to find some place to live. 

I put that on my list of 'things to do right away'. I wanted to have an option in place, by the time Annie and I talked.



Fool's Gold Ch. 02



In the end, Anne agreed to meet with me and we were able to hammer out a settlement. It was easier than I expected. When we met, Anne acted relieved over the lack of rancor. I'm not saying we didn't snap at each other, but we did try our hardest to keep things civilized.

It helped that we both had one overriding concern; minimizing the impact on the girls. She was leery at first over the concept of sharing custody, but I was able to convince her that it was the best option for the girls. Of course it didn't hurt that I was able to sweeten the pot for her as well.

I had managed to locate a nice townhouse, about five minute's walk from the street where we were living. My unsolicited offer to let her move back into the house mollified her and silenced a lot of her concerns. I liked to think that it was the best solution to a bad problem. The two houses were close enough for the girls to have easy access back and forth, and it was a safe neighborhood. At the same time, it was far enough away to allow each of us our privacy. 

Anne agreed to a temporary split in custody, while the divorce worked its way through the Court. I'd have them with me for a week, and then she'd take them for a week. It was an experiment to see if joint custody was feasible. At times it was tense, but we did manage to make it work. We soon learned how to act civilly to each other as long as custody issues were in play. As a result, the final custody order continued the shared custody arrangement.

The one thing I did insist on was that I did not want Johnson moving into the house, unless and until she married him. For that matter, I wasn't too keen on his staying overnight while the girls were with Annie. She put up a fuss about this until I explained my reasoning in terms of the girls. Both Lacey and Sarah were getting to an age where boys and sex were beginning to get more and more interesting. What type of message would it send if their mother was flaunting her boyfriend in front of them?

I had been worried about this condition because I thought it might be a deal breaker. But, she agreed far quicker than I thought possible. It was during this discussion that I discovered that Anne hadn't run off to be with Johnson, when she had left that first night. Instead, she had gone over to spend the night with a girlfriend from work. She had ended up living there, until she moved back into the house. 

I'm not going to speculate what happened between her and Johnson. I'm sure that she spent a number of evenings with him, but we never talked about it. It was sort of a "don't ask don't tell" situation. Even though we were divorcing, I still felt jealous over the idea of her spreading her legs for that asshole.

At least I had the satisfaction of believing that the jealousy was mutual. When I first proposed this limitation, I thought it would appease Annie to let her know I would follow the same restrictions. I would refrain from having overnight guests at the townhouse, while I had the girls there. 

I couldn't believe her reaction. She looked stunned before a brief flash of jealousy crossed her face. It was almost as though she had never considered the fact that the separation and divorce would free me up to start dating too.

With the custody issue resolved, the rest of the divorce went fairly smoothly. We did hassle about some of the property settlement, but in general things were split evenly. It helped that both of us worked, and had similar salaries. We agreed to the split and the paperwork got filed with the court. Then, all we had to do was wait the requisite six-months before the final order could be filed. 

In the interim, I took Laura's advice and started to get on with my life. It took a bit of adjusting to get used to being a single man again; not to mention a part time single father of two young girls who were just beginning to explore the mysteries of pubescence. 

It wasn't anything I couldn't handle, but you don't realize how life's little chores are divided between a couple until you are forced to assume them all. Annie and I had been like countless other long married couples. Over the years we had gradually divided up the myriad chores of running a household. It had gotten to the point where I couldn't have told you everything that Annie did. I don't think she was aware of all the things I did, either. 

One prime example was paying the bills. Anne was the financial guru in our house. She would sort through the mail each day. She had a system laid out for payments. I was aware that she did it, but was happy to ignore the whole thing. Now, I had to deal with it, and figure out my own system. I got it done, but it was a hassle I would have just as soon avoided. I won't tell you the panic I faced when I realized that I would have to deal with taxes too.

As for the girls, I was grateful that Anne was around, and that the girls felt more comfortable going to her with most of the issues relating to the changes in their bodies. She was better prepared to handle those types of issues. But, even with her help (and Laura's), I couldn't escape everything. 

The first time I needed to figure out which type of pad or tampon to buy for Lacey when she began to menstruate, was a total embarrassment for all concerned. This was not even to mention the eye opening experience I had when I took the girls 'back to school shopping' for clothes, and Lacey needed to be fitted for a bra. 

I was a typical father. I fought with the girls over the clothing that they wanted to wear and dreaded the moment when they started to date. I rebuffed their efforts to grow up before their time. I didn't want to let go of my little girls. I was thankful when Anne and I reached a stage in our dealing with each other where we could coordinate our responses, so the girls couldn't play us off one another. 

Another big adjustment was just getting used to the fact that Annie wasn't there anymore. I missed the sense of companionship. When you've been with someone for fifteen years, they become part of you. You don't realize how much you miss the little conversations, and the shared experiences, until they are gone. I missed having Anne to gripe to after a hard day at the office, and our annual good-natured arguments on where we would go on vacation. I even missed hearing the little snips of gossip she would pass on about the women at the country club. But most of all, I missed having her to cuddle into, as I fell asleep.

One thing that I found very strange was that sex was the thing that I missed the least. Maybe it was because it was the easiest thing to replace. Anne and I had enjoyed a healthy love life; but let's face it, how much time do you spend making love each week? 

I found myself missing the little things that make up a relationship. Even when we were in separate rooms, Anne and I had always been aware of each other. That casual companionship was the thing I missed most of all.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't lonely or pining away. I had my hands full when it was my week with the girls, and I had an open invitation to Laura and Ray's whenever I wanted to stop by. I also soon discovered that Laura hadn't been joking when she told me that I would be a popular date.

It wasn't a week after Laura and I had talked, that I got a call from a nurse friend of hers, inviting me over for a home cooked meal. Sally was a gem; earthy, compassionate, nurturing. Perhaps most importantly; she didn't remind me in any way, shape, or form, of Anne.

Sally was the perfect choice to ease me back into the world of single men. She knew I was coming out of a relationship, and she didn't have any desire to 'catch me on the rebound'. She wasn't looking to replace her deceased husband, either. When she invited me into her bed, it was for out mutual enjoyment. I'll never forget what she did for me, nor the fun we had together. 

My time with Sally was an eye opener. From the beginning it was obvious that the relationship was casual. Neither of us was ready for a long-term commitment. We simply enjoyed our time together, and parted friends before it got too messy. 

That relationship taught me a lot. It restored a lot of my confidence. More importantly, it showed me that I was not ready to engage again in the hard work necessary to form a deep commitment. 

Relationships have stages. There is an excitement about a first date or a new relationship that is indescribable. You go out of your way to put yourself in a good light. On a first date or the first few months of a new relationship you consciously work to impress. You go out of your way to be charming and witty. You want to sweep them off their feet. It's hard to 'just be yourself' when you are working to impress someone.

I think it's the uncertainty. The butterflies wondering where the night will end up, or whether there is a chance that the relationship will be consummated. The tension of trying to discover more about the person you are with and whether you are attracted to them. It's all part of the mating dance that we all learned in high school. 

But, for the same reasons, new relationships tend to be superficial. You don't know the other person well enough to honestly judge whether there is true compatibility. Lust and infatuation take the place of deep commitment. Maybe that's why so many 'whirlwind romances' fail. By the time you wake up and realize you have caught the person you are pursuing, you discover that you have no idea who it is you've caught.

At the risk of sounding like Dr. Phil, a long-term relationship takes a lot of work. It doesn't happen by accident and it can't be maintained by autopilot. You need to keep working at it in order for it to stay healthy. 

I'm sure that part of it is how people change their behavior as a relationship matures. We all act differently with our spouse, than we do around people we don't really know. I'm sure you have heard the phrase 'familiarity breeds contempt'? While I don't know if I would go that far, I would say that familiarity does breed complacency. When you've been with someone for a while, you lose your inhibitions about hiding bad habits. You don't feel you have to try your hardest anymore, as there is no longer a need to impress your partner.

Maybe that is what happened to Annie and me. Somewhere along the line, we lost the focus on our relationship. That allowed Johnson to slip in and steal Annie away from me. He came in fresh and on his 'best behavior', and swept her off her feet. 

As the months passed, I grew accustomed to not having Annie around. I discovered that being single again had its advantages as well as its disadvantages. To my surprise I found that I enjoyed getting back into the dating game. Luckily my friends gave me my space and I didn't get set up on too many blind dates with a friend of a friend. I had the ability to pick and choose my companions, and I had a lot of fun.

I don't think I was obnoxious with my dating. I generally went out with women from my own generation. I listened to Laura's advice and dated for fun. My criteria were based more on compatibility than sex appeal. I wanted to date women I could be comfortable with. I was looking for companionship. If I did share a bed with a date, it flowed from what had come before. I didn't go out, simply looking to get laid.

I was up front with my dates on where my head was at. Although I was in better shape than most after my divorce, I wasn't in any hurry to jump back into a long-term relationship either. If I got the vibe that my date was looking for a fast trip on the bridal highway, I backed out as gracefully as I could. I didn't want to lie to anyone. I didn't need to. I didn't want nor need a permanent companion. I'd date someone for a while and then move on with no regrets on either side. I was taking advantage of my newfound freedom to let my hair down a little.

I used my dating to explore new things. If one of my companions was interested in an activity that I knew nothing about, my motto was to try it at least once. I wanted to be open to new possibilities. I discovered a newfound interest in blues and jazz, when one attractive lady introduced me to smoky club that I never knew existed. I scared myself silly on roller coasters pretending I was eighteen again. I rediscovered my enjoyment in sailing and boating.

My new attitude also affected my sex life. While I may not have been trolling for sex, I didn't have any trouble getting as much as I could handle. Overall, the variety of my sex life improved dramatically as I opened myself to new ideas. I wasn't into anything too kinky, but I soon realized that I had a golden opportunity to live out some of my fantasies. 

I became open with communicating my desires and shared fantasies with some of my girlfriends. In most cases, I was able to find some way to fulfill the fantasies that they shared with me. In return, my fantasies got fulfilled as well. Outdoor sex, plenty of oral, role playing, anal, even some spanking and BDSM games. I tried it all and had a lot of fun finding out what appealed to me. By the first anniversary of my divorce, my sexual horizon had broadened considerably.

As the months passed, my relationship with Annie also improved. We tended to deal mostly with the issues of custody but we had gotten beyond politeness to flashes of friendliness. I like to think that our willingness to work together and compromise during the divorce helped. 

We were able to look back and remember the good times we had together without the haze caused by a frenzy of divorce-inspired hatred. I'm not going to say that I forgave her for ruining the marriage, but I was more willing to let bygones be bygones. 

Looking back, the turning point occurred about fifteen months after the divorce had finalized. It was my week to have the girls but on Friday night, I had bundled them off to spend the night with Laura, Ray and their kids. I had a special date planned for that evening with a special friend. 

I was going out with Sally for her fortieth birthday. Even though I didn't love Sally, I did care deeply for her. Although we had never dated exclusively, we remained good friends. You see Sally and I had recognized early in our friendship that a long-term relationship would never work. We would have torn each other apart. But with that tension out of the away, we found our way to a lasting friendship with benefits. We still got together occasionally, for a night of passionate play.

I knew that Sally was a little distraught over turning forty so I wanted to do something special for her. Since we were both between significant others, I planned an evening where I pulled out all the stops. 

I got reservations to the hottest restaurant in town followed by tickets to a play she wanted to see. After that, I had reserved a suite downtown, and was planning on serving her breakfast in bed on Saturday morning. I wanted to make it a night she would remember forever.

The night began beautifully. I was looking to create a romantic setting so I dusted off the tux and recruited Laura's help in getting Sally to wear a gorgeous evening gown. The look on her face when I stepped out of the limo to pick her up was priceless. It was almost wistful as if she wished there were a chance for the two of us to get together. As we drove to dinner, we sipped champagne and flirted like star-crossed lovers.

I went out of my way to dance attendance on Sally's every whim. I played the part of her ardent admirer. To look at us, you would have thought that I had the engagement ring hidden in my pocket just waiting for the right moment to surprise her. 

As luck would have it, Anne saw us at the restaurant. She was out on a date of her own that night and was sitting at a table where she could see my every antic perfectly. I didn't even know she was there at first; my attention was focused on Sally. It wasn't until Sally made a comment about someone watching us that I turned to look and found Anne staring at me from across the room. 

You have to understand I had tried to put Anne firmly behind me. I wasn't one of those guys who kept track of their ex. I never asked the girls about their mother's personal life. For my own sanity, I didn't want to think about her love life or allow myself to get jealous. I had assumed she was still with Alan Johnson and the very thought of her with him was still nauseating for me. 

So, it was a complete surprise to discover that she was with some guy that I had never seen before. I flashed a smile at Anne and tipped my wineglass in a sardonic toast as I acknowledged her before turning back to Sally. 

Maybe I wasn't over Anne as much as I had thought. For the rest of the meal, I found excuses to glance over towards Anne's table. Anne was doing the same. I had explained to Sally that Anne was my ex and I think Sally had some fun playing up the adoring lover for the rest of the meal. She thought it was a great joke to rub Annie's nose in what she was missing. 

I don't think Anne had a very good time that night. Every time I looked at her, she flushed with embarrassment and maybe a tinge of jealousy. I have to admit that I felt some jealousy as well although I tried to hide it. I also wondered who the guy was. Why was she out for a romantic evening with someone other than Alan Johnson?

I didn't speak to Annie that night and tried not to get too distracted from Sally. It was Sally's evening and I didn't want to let my ex ruin it. Fortunately, after we left the restaurant, I was able to fully concentrate on Sally. The rest of evening lived up to expectations. The play was hilarious! 

As for the night after? Well, let's just say that we both needed that breakfast-in-bed, to recover some energy. 

I wasn't expecting the reaction that I got from Anne Sunday afternoon when she stopped by to pick up the girls. As usual, the girls weren't quite ready and Annie and I were left waiting in the living room while the girls ran around finding their schoolbooks and homework. Anne seemed flustered and nervous as she sat there, while I tried to chat about something innocuous.

I had already decided that I wasn't going to give in and ask Anne who she had been with Friday night. Of course I was curious, but it really wasn't any of my business, anymore. Besides, I didn't want to feel obligated to tell her about my personal life either. 

We sat there for a while making uncomfortable small talk. We both were skating around the elephant in the room. Neither of us wanted to be the first to bring up Friday night. Finally, Annie took a deep swallow and started. 

"Uh, Bill. I just wanted to let you know Alan and I broke up last summer. We're no longer together."

I arched an eyebrow at her. With some difficulty I swallowed the snide comment that immediately came to mind. I wasn't sure how this news made me feel or how to respond. In one sense I was elated that the asshole was out of the picture, yet by the same token, it made me feel bitter. She had destroyed our marriage for nothing. 

Anne must have misconstrued my silence because she flushed in embarrassment. 

"I just didn't want you to get the wrong idea about Friday night," she muttered. 

Suddenly I understood her nervousness. She presumed that I thought that she was cheating on Alan too. I smiled indulgently at her. 

"Don't worry about it," I commented casually. "You don't have to explain yourself to me, anymore. It's not my business who you go out with."

For just a moment, I saw a flash of disappointment in her eyes. It was gone so quickly, that I might have imagined it. 

"Well, I just wanted to clear things up," she said slowly in a monotone. "I didn't want you to get the wrong idea about David and me."

I was amused. It was obvious that she was fishing; she wanted to explain who this David was and why they had been there. I presume she wanted an opening to find out about Sally. She was dying to know what Sally was to me and why I had been acting the Romeo at the restaurant. 




Fool's Gold Ch. 02



I toyed with the idea of deliberately misconstruing her comment and making some snide comment about knowing exactly what she and David were doing, but I avoided the temptation. 

Her flash of jealousy and her embarrassment was one of the first signs that she might still have feelings for me and I didn't want to shoot her down in a way that would turn those feelings into anger and hurt. That didn't stop me from making her twist in the wind, however.

"I understand," I responded airily. Now, to change the subject, I continued with, "Say, do you know what time Lacey's game is on Thursday? I want to make sure that I get there on time." 

Anne's eyes flashed in annoyance at my change of subject, but there was no real good way she could continue with her efforts to get information without making it all too obvious. We exchanged pleasant nothings for a while until the girls ran into the room ready to go. I said my good byes and watched at the door while the girls ran on ahead to the car. 

I judged my moment carefully. 

"Annie?" I stopped her.

She turned with a question in her eyes.

"Her name was Sally. She's a good friend that works with Laura. Friday was her fortieth birthday and I was trying to make it special for her. There is nothing serious going on between us."

Anne looked at me in amazement for a moment before smiling in relief. 

"That was my first, and probably last date with David," she replied wryly. "I don't think he was happy that I stared at you for half of the meal."

I snorted in amusement and she gave me a quick smile before turning and walking to her car. I can't really explain why I decided to explain myself to Anne. Maybe it was that flash of disappointment when I didn't seem to care about her date. But her response, and the grateful smile she flashed at me, convinced me that I had made the right choice.

From that point on, my conversations with Anne took on a far friendlier tone. We didn't limit ourselves to talking about the girls. We would talk about work, upcoming events, even our upcoming plans. It became common to be invited in for a cup of coffee or a drink while waiting for the girls to get ready. Annie even invited me over for dinner on Sarah's birthday and I reciprocated by inviting her along when I took Lacey out for her birthday. We started to sit together at school events. 

I think it was easier for me to deal with Anne as a friend than it would have been to deal with our history if we were still married. My pride still stung when I thought about her cheating on me and leaving me for that asshole; but that wasn't as important an issue, when our relationship was limited to friendship. I could choose to let bygones be bygones, and enjoy what my life now offered. I didn't want to waste my time on the negatives of the past.

As long as I was not thinking about reconciling with her, I found it possible to push aside the betrayal and just enjoy the moment. I didn't see the need to get back together with her. That part of our lives was over. I was content to enjoy her company in a social setting. 

It wasn't perfect of course. There were some topics that were avoided by an unspoken agreement. We rarely talked about the past or reminisced about the fun we had together. We both knew that a conversation about the good times would almost certainly lead to a discussion of the bad times. That was a subject we very much wanted to avoid. There was a mutual fear that a discussion of our breakup could destroy our tentative new friendship. So, we never did get around to discussing the whys or wherefores of her affair. 

Our new friendship was better than the stilted civility that we'd had before, but there was something vaguely unsatisfying about it too. Eventually, I came to conclude that the problem was that it was a shallow friendship, at best. It's hard to develop a fully matured friendship when there was this big hole sitting in the middle of it.

It was a sad day when I realized that there were still major problems between Annie and me. Until we dealt with the elephant in the corner, we could never get past our history. We needed to close out our marriage and to discuss how we broke up, before we could even hope to have any type of true future relationship between us. Whether it was to be as friends or something more, sooner or later we would have to discuss things. But I was still stubborn enough to wait her out. I wanted her to bring up the subject.

I suspected that Annie was hoping that our friendship would lead to more. Perhaps even to our getting back together. At least that was the message that I got from the occasional hints she would drop, but I ignored her hints. I had no interest in taking it further. 

The lack of a full apology or a stated reason as to why the affair had happened prevented me from ever fully trusting Annie. I liked her. Hell, I probably still loved her. But I couldn't imagine ever reconciling with her.

As our tentative friendship blossomed, the kids were ecstatic. Naturally, they were reading more into the situation than was warranted. For example, in Sarah's mind it was simple. I loved Anne, she loved me, and sooner or later we would realize it, remarry, and get back to being a happy family. 

I cautioned the girls not to get their hopes up. Hell, I specifically told them that all we were was friends. I had no desire to remarry their mother and I was perfectly happy dating, and living the single life. Even Anne told the girls we were just friends, and not to be disappointed if nothing else happened. 

I fully understood that Sarah and Lacey would have to be affected by any change in my relationship with Anne. They had been devastated by our divorce and had had a hard time adjusting to the shared custody arrangement. If they got their hopes too high over the idea of reconciliation, I didn't know how they would take the disappointment if it did not happen. 

That concern helped me keep Anne at a comfortable distance. As long as we were just friends, I could keep the girls from getting too hopeful or dreaming too much. I'll admit that there were times when I was tempted to accept one of Annie's subtle offers to join her for an evening. I truly did miss making love to her and the joy of cuddling together as we drifted off to sleep, but I wouldn't; no, I couldn't do that to the kids. 

But, naturally, the girls kept trying. For about a month and a half, the girls pestered both Annie and me to go on a "family vacation" just like we used to. They begged and pleaded for us to take them on a joint trip. Their efforts to play matchmaker were obvious, but they kept it up. Finally, Annie and I laughingly agreed to surprise the girls with a four-day trip to Disney World. 

We went on the trip the week before Labor Day and it was obvious from the beginning that the girls had planned this trip to "break the ice" between Annie and me. We might have had different hotel rooms, but the girls took every opportunity to throw us together while they took off by themselves. They wanted us to be alone and eventually they succeeded in getting us off by ourselves in a romantic setting

On the afternoon of our last full day at the resort, Lacey told me firmly that she had made the dinner arrangements that night. Now that she had just turned fifteen, she was going to take Sarah off to a dinner show. Then she handed me a dinner reservation for two at one of the more quiet, secluded and romantic restaurants. 

I never found out if Annie was in on the plans to get us together that evening. I wouldn't put it past her. At the very least, she was a willing victim to the girl's machinations. It was three against one and I was outvoted.

I'm not going to say that I didn't enjoy myself. You don't spend fifteen years with someone if you don't enjoy their company. Annie was eager to impress me, and tried her hardest to be a delightful companion. We laughed our way through dinner, and lingered over our coffee and deserts. When we passed the piano lounge on the way back to the hotel, I eagerly jumped at her suggestion of a nightcap just for the chance to spend more time with her. It was nice to spend time with Annie and forget the past

When the music started playing, I grabbed her hand and led her out onto the dance floor. I held her close and stared down into her laughing eyes as she swayed against me. It was difficult not to lean down and press my lips against hers for the kiss she was looking for. A kiss that would signify the first small step in our possible reconciliation. A kiss that would lead to my taking Annie back to my room for a different sort of nightcap. Annie was mine for the asking. All I had to do was say the word. 

The girls' plan almost worked. My resolve almost slipped as I stared into her eyes and remembered how much I had loved her. But my misgivings remained. With great difficulty, I restrained myself for the rest of the evening. 

Annie was disappointed when I left her at her door. I could see the sadness when I carefully ignored her upturned lips just begging to be kissed and left her with a soft good night and a kiss on the cheek. It took a lot of willpower not to just take her in my arms and say to hell with the consequences, but I wasn't ready to take the step she so obviously wanted and was waiting for.

That night as I lay awake in my bed with a raging hard on, I thought hard about my relationship with Annie. I reviewed my feelings for her and thought about whether I could ever see my way into reconciling with her. I had to accept the fact that I still loved her. She had stolen my heart when we first met and that love had become so deep-seated, that I could never lose it. 

A million questions ran through my mind. In the end, the major issue was whether my love for Annie was enough reason to reconcile? Love wasn't the real issue; my big question was trust. After what she had done, was there any possibility that I could learn to trust her again? Could I forgive her? Would the pain and work be worth it? 

I couldn't answer those questions. The only thing I was sure of was that I wasn't willing to take the chance on reconciliation unless and until I firmly believed that we had a legitimate hope of making it work. Otherwise the dangers to the girls were too great to risk. 

After tossing and turning for hours, I was no closer to resolution. It was to be expected. I needed to speak to Annie first before I could make any decisions. We had to sit down and find out whether we were looking for the same thing. Were we willing to commit to the hard work of rebuilding our relationship that would be required of any effort to reconcile?

Above all, I needed to finally resolve my anger about the affair and our divorce. Any attempt at getting back together would have to begin with a long hard discussion of the reasons why we broke up in the first place. It was time to bring everything out in the open.



Fool's Gold Ch. 03



By the time we returned from Florida, I was at peace with my plans. I wanted to avoid giving the girls a false hope, so I planned on waiting a few weeks and then setting up a meeting with Annie. Then life intervened. The one thing that I never expected, occurred. It changed all of my plans. 

I fell in love.

Her name was Jean and I met her on the job. My team had been assigned the job of designing a new corporate headquarters/factory for a client that was expanding into our region. Jean worked for the client. She was my counterpart on the project. She was the project manager overseeing the design process. She was friendly, articulate, opinionated... and the most gorgeous creature that I had ever seen. She could be tough when she needed to be, but I soon discovered her soft and tender side too. She was a study in delicious contrasts. 

Jean made me believe in the concept of love at first sight. From the first day I saw her, I immediately felt comfortable with her. It was like I had known her for years. My hormones demanded that I get to know this lovely creature better. To my eternal amazement, it appeared that she returned my interest. 

My fascination with Jean put my plans for Annie firmly on hold. My desires and focus were firmly on Jean as I moved on with my life. While I knew that I still loved Anne, and that I had to speak with her in order to obtain closure, I was willing to postpone this discussion until some future date. My interest in reconciliation was on the wane. Jean was the woman on my mind, as I went to bed each night.

In the beginning we stuck to business as we danced around each other in innumerable meetings, but the spark of attraction was always there. I was torn between professionalism and the need to get to know her better. I beat the excuse of working dinners and lunches to death, as I stepped as close to the line as I dared. To my delight, Jean not only bought my excuses, she came up with a few of her own. We thought we were being so discrete, but it wasn't long before everyone we worked with knew that something was happening between us.

In mid October Jeannie and I finally gave into reality as one of our faux work dinners turned passionate. She invited me to her apartment for a nightcap, and it didn't take long before our clothes were off and we were climbing that high mountain to mutual release. 

The night was magical. It wasn't that she was that skilled a lover. Since my divorce, I had been with a number of women who had been more technically adept, but Jean put them all to shame. The magic came from our shared passion. For the first time since Annie, I connected emotionally as well as physically with a lover. This wasn't just sex. This was making love. The passion and emotion that I felt for Jean made even the most mundane acts seem special.

By the end of October we were inseparable and our relationship was common knowledge among our co-workers. I did get a few strange looks from Heather and from some of my other friends at the office, but I shrugged them off. I assumed that everyone was surprised at my unexpected boldness in pursuing a client. I laughed off the obligatory warnings from Joe about not letting personal relationships affect the job, and Jeannie and I continued on our merry way.

The concern about my job performance was not unreasonable. It was an offshoot of the divorce. The divorce and my resulting shift in priorities had affected my concentration on the job. As my focus had wavered the team's performance had suffered. Gradually, things had gotten back to an even keel, as I had adjusted to being single. However, now the team was concerned that we were in for more upheaval. As a result, Heather was demonstrating a lot more tension than usual about meeting deadlines and performance guidelines. 

Fortunately, Jean and I worked so well together that the job was one of the smoothest projects that I ever worked on. I was inspired to do my best work, and Jean supported me and showed her gratitude and admiration for my efforts. By late November, the design phase was over, and Jean was officially no longer my client. With heady anticipation, I was looking forward to our future together. 

I had come to the conclusion that Jean and I were perfect for one another. I was ready to start thinking about the next step. I called Laura and asked her out to lunch. I wanted my twin to be the first to know that I was thinking of giving Jeannie an engagement ring for Christmas. I might have been rushing things but I was infatuated. All I could think about was not letting her get away.

To say that Laura was shocked would be an understatement. "You're kidding me, right? How long have you known her? Less than three months?" She quizzed me.

"I know, I know." I replied. "But it doesn't feel like that at all. It's almost like I've known her forever. I know it's quick, but I don't want to risk losing her."

"Are you sure Bill?" Laura asked me dubiously. "I mean, has she met the girls yet? Have you talked to them? You haven't even let me meet her yet! Don't you think that you might be rushing things a little?"

I hemmed and hawed a little bit. It wasn't that I had been holding out on anyone else meeting Jean, it was just that we had only been dating for a little over a month and I wanted her for myself. Taking her to meet the family would have meant less time to spend just with her, and I was being selfish.

"Don't worry," I replied defensively. "I'm planning on talking to the girls soon. It's not like they don't know what is going on. They know I've been going out with her, and that it's serious. I just want to pick the right time to introduce her and let them get to know her. I'm sure they are going to love her."

Laura snorted at my naïve assurances, and said, "Don't count on it, buddy. She's the 'bad guy' who is disrupting all their plans to get you back together with Annie. You are going to have to talk hard and fast to get them to see her as anything other than a monster."

At my look of consternation, Laura smiled in sympathy. She stared off into the distance as she put her mind to work on a solution. 

"You're still coming over for Thanksgiving, aren't you?" She asked.

I nodded tentatively in reply. This was my year to get the girls on Christmas. Annie was taking the girls to her parents for Thanksgiving and months ago Laura had invited me over for the day.

"Well then, why don't you see if Jean can come over too? Let's give her a chance to meet some of your family. Besides, I want to meet this mystery woman who stole your heart so quickly." 

I was relieved to get the invitation. Jeannie didn't have any family in the area and I had been loathe to leave her alone for the holiday. But I wanted to spend time with Laura as well. The best plan that I had been able to devise was to leave Laura's early to spend at least part of the day with Jean. This invitation cured my dilemma. This would be a great chance to introduce Jean to two of the most important women in my life: Laura and my 'other mother' Aunt Cindy.

Thanksgiving at Laura's tended to be a large all day affair. Ray's family and my Aunt and Uncle were going to be there, as well as assorted cousins. We would congregate in the morning to watch the Macy's parade on television, and spend the afternoon eating and playing games with the kids. 

Secretly, I viewed the gathering as a dress rehearsal for taking Jean to visit my parents. I wanted; no I needed Laura to accept her into my life just like I needed my parents to accept her. If Jeannie could make a good showing here, it would be that much easier when I took her home to meet my folks and later when I introduced her to the girls. Jean was a little nervous at meeting the family, but she didn't recognize the full significance of the event. We had shared a few tentative plans for a future together, but she had no idea just how serious I had gotten about her. 

When we got to Laura's, my twin took one look at Jean and a big smile crossed her face. She flashed me a smirk and whisked Jeannie off for a round of introductions. I didn't think too much of it and went off to make my own 'hellos'. I kept a vague eye on Jean and Laura and was pleased to see that she seemed to be accepted, and was fitting in easily.

It was about a half hour later that I got my first clue that thing were not as copasetic as I would have wished. I had left Jean talking to my Aunt Cindy and Uncle Bill. In reality, I had fled in embarrassment as they started to trot out some of those 'childhood stories' that I wished they would forget. I went off to find Laura to get an early weather report on Jean.

As I walked into the kitchen, Laura looked up and waived me over. I could see her eyes dancing with mischief as I approached. 

"Where in the hell did you find her?" She said as she laughed. "Now I understand why you said you felt like you've known her forever. You should, you were married to her for fifteen years!"

As I gaped at her comment, Laura saw my puzzlement and smacked her forehead in disbelief. 

"Don't tell me you didn't see it? She looks enough like Anne that they could pass for sisters. Hell, she even acts like Anne. I've had to catch myself a half dozen times from calling her Annie. I've heard of guys wanting to marry a girl 'just like their mother', but 'just like their ex-wife'?"

I stammered out a denial. There might have been some slight resemblance to Anne, but surely Laura was exaggerating. She had to be. There was no way I could have missed something like that. Laura just laughed at me and told me to check it out for myself.

Once Laura put the bug in my ear, I had to see if it were true. By the end of the day, I had to accept that there was at least a kernel of truth in her observation. I started to look for similarities. Jeannie and Annie did have similar builds and facial features. But what was uncanny, were the unconscious mannerisms and behavioral traits. 

I had to admit it, Laura was right. Jean was a dead ringer for Annie. She punctuated comments with the gestures that I had seen Annie use a thousand times before. She gave the same slow smile and wink across the room as she caught my eye. She charmed the children by giving them the same grave attention I had seen Annie use with great success.

The more I thought about it, the more confused I got. I started going over the past few months to see exactly what it was that attracted Jean to me. And the more I thought the more I realized that the things that I found most attractive were the ways that she resembled Anne. Every trait that I admired in her was one I had loved about Annie. By the end of the day, I had begun to wonder if I loved Jeannie for herself or because of the ways that she reminded me of Anne. 

It didn't take Jean long to figure out that something was going on. Her first clue might have been the elderly Aunt of Ray's who called her Anne or the way that people she had never met came up to her and talk as if they knew her. By the time my cousin Grace came up to her and gave her a hug telling her how happy she was that we had reconciled, Jean had had enough and was beginning to shoot daggers at me.

If you have never had to explain to your girlfriend why everyone is mistaking her for someone else, feel fortunate. How do you explain to the woman you love, that everyone in your family thinks that she looks and acts just like your ex-wife? How can you get her to believe that you never noticed the similarities? If you could figure out a way to do that in a way without ending up in a huge fight, then you are a better man than I. 

The only thing that saved our relationship over the next few weeks was the fact that Jean had fallen in love with me too. After she calmed down and got over her crying jag, she agreed to talk to me, so we could figure out what to do. She wanted to know all about Annie and my life with her. 

It wasn't easy. There were times when Jean got angry and accused me of using her in some sick attempt to replace my divorced wife. Other times she would dissolve into tears, wondering whether I ever truly loved her and not some twisted fantasy. It didn't help matters that I was having the same doubts. But in the end, the issue was simple: was I attracted to Jeannie because she reminded me of Annie, or was it the common traits that they shared that attracted me to both of them?

I wish I could say that I was able to totally convince Jeannie that I loved her because of who she was. She wanted to believe me, but her doubts lingered. She was torn between her love, and her questions about my motivation for the relationship. 

I was frantic to make Jean believe that she was the one I wanted. In an effort to convince her I confessed my ideas about giving her a ring for Christmas. I changed my plans, I proposed to her right away. I was ready to take her out and let her choose whatever ring she wanted. I hoped that this would convince her that I was serious about the relationship. But, Jeannie firmly told me no.

She told me that she could not marry me until she was sure that I wanted her, not some clone of my first wife. It wasn't a total disaster, however. She was touched by my offer and did offer a compromise solution. She suggested we slow things down and take all the time we needed, to get to know each other better. 

I accepted her compromise with a lot of trepidation. I knew that she needed the time and space to make up her mind, but I was concerned over the forced time apart. I was afraid that someone could steal her away from me, while she was confused about her feelings. 

But, I knew that the compromise was better than the alternative of losing her right away, so I vowed to make the best of it by learning all I could about who the real Jean was. I wanted to know where she was different from Annie, not just the similarities.

What scared me the most, however, was that down deep I suspected that Jean's fears may have been justified. Jean was probably right. I remained in love with Annie, but I was afraid to reconcile with her because of the fear that she would hurt the girls and me again. 

With Jean, I got the best of both worlds; a woman who reminded me of Annie and what we'd had together, but without the fear. I had lingering doubts that subconsciously, Jeannie was Annie without the baggage. Unless I could resolve my own feelings, there was no way Jeannie and I could successfully make a go of our relationship. 

My relationship with Jean limped on until the spring. We had a lot of good times together, but our love and feelings for each other never quite reached the halcyon levels of our first month together. While we loved each other, there was a tinge of sadness that we couldn't shake. As we spent more time together and I consciously tried to see her as her own person, our relationship matured and we discovered areas of conflict. 

Jean had a jealous streak and a temper that was far worse than anything that Annie had ever exhibited. She abhorred my tendency to get lost in my work as a substitute for dealing with a problem. And we struggled to find a happy medium when it came to the girls.

Laura had been right about Sarah and Lacey. They absolutely hated Jean with a passion. They had never objected to any of my casual dates, and had even gotten to be friends with some of my friends, such as Sally. But Sarah and Lacey viewed Jean as a predator. While others saw Jean's resemblance with Annie as a weird coincidence or maybe as a perversity on my part, the girls saw it as a direct attempt to replace their mother. 

Their animosity was heightened by Annie's reaction to Jean. After the highs and implicit promises coming out of the trip to Florida, the news of my first 'post divorce' serious girlfriend was a blow to Annie. She felt hurt and betrayed even though we had never actually attempted to reconcile. Our friendly chats and meetings turned chilly as she distanced herself from her disappointment. 

When the girls finally met Jean and reported back to their mother, Annie was devastated. It was the similarities that bothered her, too. Her fears and insecurities were the corollary to Jean's. While Jean struggled to deal with the fear that she was merely a replacement for my lost wife, Annie had to deal with the despair caused by being replaced. 

Instinctively Annie grasped the fear that I felt. Can you imagine how much it must have hurt her to discover that I didn't want her, yet I had chosen someone exactly like her? It was a severe blow to her self-worth and her not-so-secret desire that I would eventually return to her.

In the end, the difficulties between Jean and I became too much to overcome. Jean and I finally mutually agreed to go our separate ways. It was a tearful parting, based on a sad regret for what might have been. I honestly believed we still loved each other, but it wasn't enough to overcome the doubts that remained. Jean needed to find someone who she could call her own, not a man with the questions and baggage that I was carrying. And I needed someone who the girls could accept and adjust to.

So, as the summer began, I was once again a bachelor. My second serious relationship had gone down in flames. For a while I moped around again, trying to make sense of my life. My attitude was back to the same shell-shocked depression I had felt in the days following my breakup with Annie. I began to wonder if a long-term relationship was worth the pains and troubles that it would surely cause me. 

In a few weak moments, I was tempted to run back to Annie. Thankfully, I forced myself not to do it. I refused to use my breakup as an excuse to reconcile with Annie. I knew in my soul that to get back together with Annie on the rebound from Jean would doom an attempted reconciliation before it began. I would be in danger of making the same mistake that Jean accused me of, except I would be using Annie to replace my need for Jean.

So, with a heavy heart, I sought and found solace elsewhere. I jumped back into the casual dating market with a vengeance. I needed some reassurance that I was still desirable so I went overboard on going out. 

I wore myself to a frazzle as I wined and dined and bedded a bevy of beautiful ladies. There was only one firm rule in my dating rulebook. To be eligible, the woman could not remind me in any way, shape or form of Annie or Jeannie. I told myself that I had learned my lesson, but I don't think anyone was fooled, least of all me. I just didn't want to face the pain, again. 

As the summer passed, I bounced from girl to girl like a wastrel. I even did the one thing that I have vowed never to do. One night after work, I had gone out for a drink with Heather and some of the people from the office and Amber came over. She was an acquaintance of Heather's from the health club. Amber was twenty-five and built like a lingerie model. I got Heather to introduce us and asked her to dance. I monopolized her attention for the rest of the night and got her number. Soon she was my new trophy girlfriend. 

Amber taught me that my instincts were right all along. I was not cut out for a trophy girlfriend and running around with her showed me how foolish I could be. Amber was looking for a sugar daddy and was willing to sell her body to get one. With nothing in common, it was a shallow mockery of the closeness I had shared with Jean or for that matter with Annie. Even the energetic sex wasn't worth the vapid nature of our relationship. 

It didn't take long for me to return to my senses and break off with Amber, much to the relief of all my friends and colleagues. In retrospect, however, I did owe her one debt of gratitude. The disaster with her was just what I needed to bring me back to my senses. 

With more than a little trepidation, I decided it was time to take stock of my life. I had gotten back into the bad habit of reacting to problems, instead of trying to decide what the best was for me. As the fall began, I vowed that it was time to turn things around. It was time to take charge of my love life.




Fool's Gold Ch. 03



By now, my initial need to prove myself had waned. I gladly cut back on the frenetic pace of my dating, and just enjoyed the opportunities that arose. I still went out, but only with those women I really wanted to get to know better. I was back to where I had been before Jean, using dating as a means to enjoy life and gain some companionship. The only exception was that now, my casual dating had an edge that had not been there before. 

I was now open to the possibilities of a long-term relationship. 

Jean was clearly the cause of this new desire. My time with her had re-taught me the difference between a true partner and a casual relationship. After what I had shared with her, the casual dating scene rang hollow. From sex, to conversation, to just the 'joy of being together'; the difference was remarkable. I had come to the decision that, for my sake, it was time to settle down again.

Of course, now that I had made the decision to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, I kept looking in all of the wrong places. My efforts to force a long-term relationship were just as much a farce as my efforts to play Casanova. 

The word got out that I was looking, and all of the female sharks started to circle as they smelt the blood in the water. All I wanted was someone I could feel comfortable loving. What I found, was one train wreck after another.

Of all people, it was Annie that made me realize what I was doing wrong. As the weeks flew by, things had gradually improved between Annie and me. She gradually got over her hurt feelings and insecurity about Jean. By fall we had slipped back into our friendship. This time, our conversations were a little more open. The topics we discussed grew a little deeper. We still danced around the reason for the breakup, but we were open to discussion of our present life, and how we were feeling. 

Eventually we got to a point where we were spending time together two or three times a week. It became customary to eat as a family whenever one of us stopped by to pick up the girls. Then we started a 'Wednesday night dinner', during soccer season, as we grabbed a late dinner after Sarah's games. From there we gradually slipped into a cautious friendship. 

As the friendship strengthened anew it was only natural that we spent more time together. One of the strengths of our marriage had been the way we could talk to each other. It was when we had lost that openness that I knew our marriage was damaged beyond repair. Now we had started to regain that closeness. Annie and I would go for a walk, watch TV or just talk for a few hours before we said our goodbyes. We were both aware of the re-emerging bond between us, but we took it slowly. Neither of us made any attempt to take it to the next level.

As the year drew to a close I started to open up to Annie about my frustration over my dating misadventures. It was probably insensitive of me and I'm sure it distressed her, but she tried to be supportive. At times I could tell she was struggling with my assumed rejection of her as a potential partner. But that was one area where I still kept my blinders fully fastened. It wasn't that I never thought about dating Annie, because I did. I was still afraid of doing it for the wrong reasons, though. I only wanted it to happen if it were the right decision for me. 

To her credit, Annie accepted my self-imposed limits on our relationship. Instead of telling me that I was being a fool, she simply asked me what was wrong. As she listened she asked me one simple question. Why was I wasting my time dating women that did not appeal to me?

Annie helped me see that I had taken the wrong lesson from my time with Jean, particularly if I was looking for a life partner. If I refused to date women that reminded me of Jeannie, I was running away from everything that I found attractive. There was no problem in looking for a women that had the qualities and traits that I liked, so long as I did it for the right reasons. I just needed to make sure I didn't fall into the trap I had fallen into before.

I thought long and hard about what Annie had helped me to realize. Her insight had made me realize how well she knew what made me tick. It also made me realize just how good the two of us were together. There is a real bitterness to realize that your perfect woman is the one that threw you away. 

As the weeks passed, I thought more and more about asking Annie out. We were connecting better than we had in years. But I was still leery of taking that first step. The baggage remained, and that stopped me from moving forward.



Fool's Gold Ch. 04



Finally as the New Year began, my discussions with Annie finally lead to closure on the divorce. One Sunday, I had come over for lunch and was planning to stay awhile. Sarah had a friend over to work on a school project, while Lacey had a ton of homework to finish. After a while, Annie asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. We walked to the park down the street and set off on a stroll around the pond. After a few minutes, Annie glanced over to me with a rueful smile.

"Bill, is it too late to tell you I'm sorry? I just wanted you to know that I will always regret the hash that I made of our marriage and our lives."

We walked in silence for a few minutes as I digested her admission. This was the first time since the divorce she had admitted her fault or given me an opening to discuss its causes. Finally, I looked over to her and gave vent to the question I had been dying to ask since the divorce. 

"All I want to know, Annie, is why. What was it about our marriage that caused you to have an affair and leave me the way that you did? Why?"

Annie laughed bitterly. "That's a question I've thought about ever since it happened. Why did I screw up the best thing that ever happened to me? Can you just accept the idea that I was a stupid fool? That I failed my midlife crisis?"

I simply shook my head no as Annie sighed and nodded her reluctant acceptance of my decision. She gestured for us to stop at a bench and she sat down facing me with her leg curled up on the bench. She took a moment to compose her self and went on with a grimace.

"I didn't think I would get off easy. I only hope that you won't hate me when I finish. The short answer to your question is that there wasn't any one single reason why I did it. It was a whole bunch of things: Jealousy, insecurity, fear, guilt, petulance, pride, the stress and anger caused by the overtime we were both putting in, doubt over whether you still found me attractive, and my own stupid vanity. You could make a case that any of those factors was the cause, and probably half a dozen other things as well." 

Anne looked over to me gloomily. "You don't know how many nights I've tossed and turned thinking about this. Trying to figure it out, myself. All I can tell you is that there is no easy answer. My affair with Alan didn't just happen overnight. I didn't wake up one morning and think 'I know, I'll start an affair today.' The affair was the result of things that happened over a long time and a mindset that that had been building up for years. There wasn't anything you could have done to stop it because it resulted from shit that was festering inside me, until I exploded."

"I don't understand. What was bothering you?" I asked bewildered.

"Let's start with my insecurity." She started with a self-depreciating smirk. "Did you ever wonder why I was so jealous of Heather? I was scared to death of her. When the two of you started to spend so much time together I was petrified that you would fall in love with her and leave me."

"But. . ." I spluttered. "That's ridiculous. I must have told you a hundred times that there was nothing going on between us. I even told you why I wasn't interested in her. Why didn't you believe me? Did I ever give you any reason to think that I wanted anyone but you?"

"I'm not saying my fear was reasonable," Annie said with a sad smile, "but it existed nonetheless. 

"Look, I can't tell you how many hours that I spent thinking about the last few years of our marriage. It started even before we were divorced. I was desperate to find something, anything to shift some of the blame to you." Anne hung her head and shame and continued in a whisper, "It wasn't there. I couldn't find one single instance where you did anything to give me any real reason to suspect you. 

"It wasn't until it was too late that I realized that it was in my head. The problem was my jealousy, not your behavior. I can see that now, but at the time, I just got caught up in everything that was happening. I let my doubts and insecurities show me things that weren't there."

I was still confused. I had known Annie was jealous of Heather. There was no way to hide it. I had even thought that I knew the cause. That was one reason I had gone out of my way, at least at first, to reassure Annie. On numerous occasions, I had talked about how I had no clue what Heather was talking about, when we stopped talking about business. I had assumed that Annie got my message.

I was positive that at least once or twice Annie and I had talked about how foolish one of my friends acted and looked when chasing after about someone half his age. Why would she continue to think that I would subject myself to the ridicule? Then with a guilty flush, I thought about my recent flirtation with Amber. Maybe my high horse wasn't as big as I had thought.

Anne ignored my momentary distraction and went on with her story. 

"The thing that really got me going with Heather was how it matched what I was hearing at the club. I may have told you about some of the rumors I heard in the locker room, but I only passed on a small part of what I heard. Every week I'd hear gossip about who was getting divorced and why. I can't tell you how many horror stories I heard about cheating husbands, or about which wife was getting dropped for some sweet young thing. Even worse, a lot of times the other woman was some young chippy the husband met at the office. It was one of the main topics of conversation." 

Annie buried her head in her hands for a moment before going on with a wan smile. "I promised myself that I wouldn't make excuses for my action, but when I got upset about your hiring Heather, I listened to the wrong people. 

"Right after I met Heather for the first time, I made the mistake of telling some of the girls about your new personal assistant who just happened to be young and beautiful. Before I knew it, the vultures started to gather around, telling me to keep my eyes on you. Warning me to take care of myself because I might be the next one getting dumped."

I opened my mouth to object flabbergasted that she would listen to crap like this, but she held up her hand to stop me. 

"I didn't believe them at first; I didn't want to believe them. I told them that you would never cheat on me, but you don't understand how insidious that type of comment can be. I had half a dozen bitter women telling me to watch it. That I'd better start thinking it was possible, before it was too late. Every one of them told me that they never thought their husbands would cheat either, until the day that they found out, or were served with divorce papers." 

Anne looked at me earnestly. "Bill, I hate to admit it, but eventually those stories started to make me doubt you. They never let it rest. At least once or twice a month, I'd have someone asking me about you. They would dissect your behavior, questioning every time you were late or had to go out of town."

Anne gave a bitter grin. "I can see now that those stories fed every insecurity that I had about Heather. It didn't happen right away, but I finally started to listen to the theories, and to think that there might be some truth in what I was being told. 

"Once I started to doubt you, things seemed to snowball. I hated myself for it, but I started to get more suspicious of your behavior, particularly since you seemed to be spending more and more time at work, and less time at home. I started to question everything you were doing. Every time you left for a trip with Heather or worked late, my doubts had me imagining the two of you screwing in some hotel room. My paranoia started making me see things that weren't there.

"I know that I gave you hell over Heather. That was my fear talking. I was so jealous of her that I couldn't stand it. I wanted you to get rid of her, to prove to me that you loved me. But I knew that you wouldn't do it, so I didn't even bother asking you. Instead, I just gave you hell. Then you made it worse when you stopped mentioning her to me."

"The only reason I stopped talking about her was to keep us from fighting." I exploded. "Every time I mentioned her name, you would go off on a rampage."

I caught my breath and went on in a strangled tone. "If it was bothering you so much, why didn't you just tell me what you were feeling? God damn it, Annie, why didn't you talk to me!"

Annie shook her head sadly. "What was I going to say? That I suspected you of having an affair, because your assistant was too cute and you were busy at work? It wouldn't have done any good. Even if you had denied doing anything wrong, I don't think I would have believed you. 

"Just look at why you stopped talking about Heather. I'm sure you told me the truth, you were trying to avoid fights; but at the time, I only saw it as another sign you were trying to hide something. All the girls told me that was a classic indicator that you and Heather were cheating on me." 

Anne snorted in self-derision. 

"Bill, I let my fears paint you into a corner. It didn't matter what you did or what you said. Someone was going to find fault with it. Those so-called friends of mine had no interest in proving you were innocent. Because of their own train wrecks, they all assumed you were guilty, and I let them persuade me!"

I shook my head angrily. "I still can't believe you didn't talk to me about this, Annie. Why didn't you come to me with your worries? Why didn't you give us a chance to work through this?"

Anne hung her head in shame. "I know, I know. It was stupid. I should have tried, but damn it, it's hard to explain. In the beginning, there was nothing to tell you because I tried to ignore the comments, and didn't believe what was being said. I didn't think about the subliminal effect. I didn't realize that the comments were getting to me. 

"Even when I started to get suspicious, I was ashamed to say anything. I was afraid of getting into an argument over nothing, and looking foolish. 

"After that, when I was sure that something was going on between you and Heather, it was too late to say anything. I was afraid of what I might find out. As long as I could keep it to just a strong suspicion, I could pretend everything was okay. 

"So I bit my tongue and tried not to accuse you every time you called to tell me that you would be late, or that you had to run out to a job site at the last minute. It killed me that Heather was spending more time with you than I was. Heather was always by your side. 

"That's the real reason I didn't talk to you. I was afraid that if I came out and told you what I suspected, it would all come true." 

I sat there stunned at Anne's admission. While I had spent my own hours reviewing the last few years of our marriage, the depths of her insecurities were a revelation. It's an eye-opener to find out that you totally misread a situation.

Any lawyer or cop will tell you that no two people will see a situation the same way. Witnesses view a scene through the filter of their own prejudices and experiences. And if emotions get involved, the blinders are slammed down even harder. 

I had marginalized the cause of our fighting. I had assumed that Anne and I had the same reasons for our stress: overwork and lack of time together. I hadn't looked for additional reasons. As for Heather, while I recognized Anne's jealousy, it had baffled me, somewhat. I had tried to ignore the problem, in the hopes that it would go away. 

Anne's story helped me to understand why our marriage had been strained the last few years, but that was only part of the story. 

"That explains a lot, Annie, thank you," I started, "but; it doesn't cover everything. You still haven't given me any reason why you decided to have an affair." 

Anne nodded reluctantly. "I just wanted to explain the background. Show you where things started to go wrong."

I nodded and Anne continued. "Even though I was afraid to talk to you, I needed to do something. I started to get some advice from the women at the club that had been dumped. Some of it made sense. Since I couldn't control your behavior if you wanted to cheat, I had to watch out for myself instead. I had to prepare myself just in case you did dump me for Heather.

"One of the first things I did was to start to volunteer for some extra overtime at the office. I wanted to build up some extra goodwill with my bosses, just in case. Besides, it might help control you, too. If you had to come home to be with the girls, it prevented you from being with Heather. 

"Another thing I did was spend some extra time at the gym. I figured that would help no matter what ended up happening. Either you would notice me and stop spending time with Heather or I needed to be attractive to get someone else after you dumped me." Anne glared at me. "I lost twenty pounds, and was in the best shape I had been in since Sarah was born, and you never mentioned it to me."

It was my turn to be embarrassed. 

"I'm sorry Annie. I did notice, honest. You're right, I should have said something. I should have told you how proud I was of you, and how good you looked. But with the way I couldn't keep my hands off you when we were together, I figured you knew."

Anne smiled and nodded her head at my apology before continuing with her story. 

"The final change I made is the one that bothers me the most, because I think it's the biggest reason why I was able to cheat on you." 

Anne took a deep breath and went on in a miserable tone. 

"I got to the point where I was convinced that you were cheating on me and that it was only a matter of time before you left me. I was convinced that you were lying to my face and just going through the motions of loving me. I decided that two could play that game. To keep myself from getting hurt, I started to draw away from you emotionally. I tried to shut you out of my heart." 

With this confession, Annie burst out into tears, lurched to her feet and stumbled blindly down the path away from me.

I didn't move to follow her right away. I still was trying to process the things that Annie had told me. I had no doubts that Annie was trying to be honest with me. She wasn't minimizing her role in the divorce, nor was she trying to blame others for her own shortcomings. Besides, there was something about her story that just felt right. It certainly explained a lot of the tension that I had felt around the house during the final year of our marriage. 

Although I could be as emotionally dense as any man, I had noticed the growing tension and lack of intimacy between Annie and me before our split. At the time, I had written it off as an offshoot of the extra hours that we were putting in. Later, I presumed it was a result of Annie's affair. While those reasons might have been true, Annie's confession of emotional withdrawal cleared up a lot of my questions. 

I got up from the bench and followed after Annie. I found her a short way down the path standing and staring out at the pond, trying to fight back her tears. I grabbed her hand and led her over to a bench. I didn't have any tissues to give her, but I did try to blot her eyes with the arm of my sweater. She smiled at the gesture, and made a noticeable effort to pull herself back together.

"Where was I?" She thought for a moment and went on tremulously. "Everything started coming to a head about year before we separated. I had let myself get so angry with you for all the things I imagined you were doing, that I managed to start shutting my feelings for you down. At the same time, I was looking better than I had in years, and I started to attract attention from some of the guys at work.

"That's where my vanity and my self doubts kicked in. Even though you were paying more attention to me when we were together, I thought it was just guilt on your part. You didn't care about me any more. My self-image was at an all time low. The attention I was getting from those other guys was what I needed. It was just like a breath of fresh air." 

Anne looked at me intently. "I'm not proud of it, but I want to be honest. With the way I was feeling about myself, I needed those looks and that flirting, to help me feel good. I was convinced that you didn't want me anymore and it was just a matter of time before you left me for Heather or some other younger woman. I needed that attention to convince me that I was still attractive.

"I'm not saying that I started to flirt with every guy I met. I just stopped sending out the 'unavailable' signals. I stopped brushing the guys off totally, started encouraging them, at least up to a point. Before I knew it, the guys at work started to treat me differently. It was like I put up a green flag. I was getting hit on more than ever before. Even the guys that wouldn't give me the time of day, before, started to pay attention to me. 

"Even then, I don't know if I would have ever gotten any further than flirting except for Alan. Alan wasn't like the other guys. He pushed every limit I set. I'd tell him no, and he kept coming back for more. He kept on asking me to have lunch with him, and he wouldn't take no for an answer. I think he could tell that I was vulnerable, if he just kept after me long enough."

Anne sighed bitterly. "I'm not going to lie to you, Bill. I'm not going to say it was all Alan's fault. I could have pushed him away if I'd tried hard enough, but I liked the attention he was giving me. I was very attracted to Alan. He was charming, good looking, and seductive as hell. He pulled out all the stops to seduce me, and I fell for him.

'The first time we got together was about four months before we got caught. It was when I went to Charlotte for that seminar. Alan was there to meet with a prospective client, and he called me the last day he was in town, and asked me to go out to dinner with him. I agreed because I was feeling lonely, and I thought it would be nice to talk to a friendly face. Then you and I got into an argument over the phone, when I told you about it."

I nodded thoughtfully. I remembered that phone call. When she had mentioned that she was having dinner with Johnson, I had gotten my neck all out of joint. I didn't like the idea of her having dinner with someone else, it sounded like she was going out on a date with him. Anne had fought back with some bitter comments about my being a hypocrite because Heather and I would often have dinner together when we were at a site. I had tried to tell her it was different, but she wouldn't listen. She had finally told me in no uncertain terms that she was going to dinner with Johnson, and had made some comment before she hung up about 'What's good for the goose is good for the gander' but I hadn't read too much into it. I just thought it was her dislike for Heather. 

Anne looked at me and continued tensely. "I see you remember the conversation, too. I was so mad with you when I got off that phone. I thought you were a sanctimonious hypocrite, trying to stop me from doing something you did all the time."

"But it was different." I interrupted insistently. "There's a huge difference between colleagues having dinner on a trip and your meeting another guy purely for social reasons. Sure, I ate out with Heather a lot on our trips; but most of the time it was as part of a group, or with a client. The few occasions when it was just the two of us, it was a working dinner, to review plans for the next day. I never gave you a tough time when you did business lunches or dinners. That's a big difference from your going out on a date with Alan Johnson when you are out of town!"

Anne nodded morosely. "I can see that now, but at the time, I wouldn't even listen to you. All I could think is why I can't I go out with Alan if you are going out with that slut. There wasn't any way you could have convinced me there was a difference. Our argument was just another thing wrong with our marriage. I was bound and determined to go, just to spite you. I was going to show you that two could play the game.




Fool's Gold Ch. 04



"When I met Alan at the restaurant, he must have caught my mood because he started to ask me all sorts of questions about what was wrong. He finally got me to admit that you and I had had a fight, and before I knew it, I had told him everything. All my fears about you having an affair, my doubts." Anne smiled bitterly. "I guess you could say that I gave him everything he needed to seduce me."

Anne hung her head in shame. 

"I hate to admit it, but there's a lot of truth to idea that I started my affair with Alan to get revenge on you. I was so upset over what I thought you were doing, that it made me receptive to him." 

Anne looked at me with sad determination. "But I can't blame everything on Alan. He just gave me the opportunity. I accepted it. He never forced me or made me do anything that I didn't want to do. He didn't entrap me into sleeping with him, and it never would have happened if I hadn't been petty enough to try to pay you back.

"Alan's a salesman. What he was selling to me was the once in a lifetime opportunity to be his lover." Anne gave a sardonic snort. "I fell for his pitch. He pushed me over the edge. He punched every button he could find to get into my bed that night. He didn't point out the weak spots in my fears; he amplified them. He didn't attack you, but he expressed just enough doubt to show that he thought that I was right. He encouraged every idea I had about getting even with you.

"The whole time he was doing this, he was working on my vanity too. Telling me how attractive I was and how he wanted to get to know me better." She grimaced. "He was a subtle as a sledgehammer but in the mood that I was in, it did the trick. By the time we finished the second bottle of wine, I didn't want to resist him anymore. He walked me back to my room, and I didn't really put up much of a resistance when he started to kiss me. From there, it wasn't long until we were out of our clothes and having sex.

"After he left, I felt terrible. Whatever petty satisfaction I might have gotten from getting back at you was destroyed when I realized what I had done. I was the worst type of hypocrite. I get all upset because I think you are cheating on me. Instead of dealing with you, I do the exact thing I blamed you for. Even if you were cheating on me that didn't give me the right to cheat, too. For the last day of the seminar my mood ranged from guilt, to self loathing, to an incredible fear that you would somehow find out and kick me out. 

Anne looked at me miserably. "I was in turmoil when I started to think about the possible consequences. Hiding from the situation was no longer an option. Whether you had cheated or not, I now had inescapable proof that there was a big problem in our marriage. I had cheated. Now I was the guilty party.

"I made all sorts of promises to myself before I got home. I'd never cheat on you again. I'd talk to you and maybe suggest counseling. I'd make it up to you somehow. I'd do anything to get our marriage back on track. I tried; I really tried to live up to those promises. But Alan didn't go away. Now that he had gotten to me once, he kept on pushing my buttons."

Anne sighed. It was obvious that she didn't feel comfortable telling me about her affair with Alan. I couldn't blame her. I had no desire to tell her about my time with Jean, either, and that was after our marriage was over. I tried to keep my emotions in check as I waited for her to go on.

"At home, I was getting discouraged." Anne snorted in self-disgust. "I don't know why I thought that all our problems would disappear over night, but... nothing seemed to have changed. If anything, you seemed more distant than ever. We were both still working long hours and you weren't responding to the messages that I was trying to send about trying to fix things. I know it sounds terrible, but I was blaming you, because the wall that I had built between us wasn't coming down as fast as I expected.

I interrupted accusingly. "In case you never figured it out, I was still pissed at you over that dinner. You come back from Charlotte and for the first time in months your behavior is different. You told me everything about that trip except the one thing I wanted to talk about: why it bothered me for you to go out on a dinner date with someone else. Now I guess I know why you didn't want to talk about it." 

Anne blanched at my comment. "Oh shit." She muttered softly as she stared into my eyes. "I was doing the same thing I blamed you for. I was trying to avoid talking about Alan and that dinner because I was afraid you would be able to tell what had happened. No wonder you were so cold towards me, you probably could tell that I was hiding something."

I stared at her for a minute before responding. 

"It was obvious that you didn't want to talk about it, but I didn't even suspect you of cheating on me. I didn't think you would do that to me. I just figured that you knew I was still angry, and that you were trying to make me forget about it by playing nice. It pissed me off, because I thought you were manipulating me. I figured that if I gave you the cold shoulder long enough you'd get pissed and we could have it out."

Anne nodded the distress evident in her face. 

"Instead, I took as a sign you didn't care. I thought I was trying to do everything to make it up to you, and I was rubbing it in your face. God, did I screw up!

"The worst part is, when you didn't respond the way I wanted to, I started to give up. I gave in to the pressure Alan was putting on me. After Charlotte, Alan wanted a full-blown affair. He was doing his best to sweep me off my feet. He kept on telling me that he had fallen in love with me and that he wanted us to be together. It took him about a month, but he finally got to me again. 

"One afternoon he was in the office when you called to tell me that you had to work late again. The girls were at a sleep over, and I was hoping that you and I could have some time together. Alan saw my disappointment and my anger and he took a shot. He commiserated with me and offered to buy me a drink so I didn't have 'to spend another night alone waiting for you to decide to show up.'"

Anne looked at me with a guiltily pained expression. 

"I don't have any excuse, Bill. When I accepted his offer, I knew what he was looking for. What's worse, I knew that I was most likely going to give it to him. There is no way to justify what I did that day. I knew exactly what I was doing.

"In my mind, that's the real day that our marriage ended." Anne gave a humorless laugh. "No, let's be honest. That was the day I killed our marriage. Even if you never found out about my cheating, I couldn't forget. I might have been able to justify or explain away Charlotte as an aberration, but when I went back a second time; there was no getting around it. How could I expect you to forgive me when I couldn't forgive myself? As I drove home, I knew our marriage was over." 

Anne teared up and sat there for a moment softly sniffling. I just sat there in pained silence. I had thought that the hurt and anguish from my divorce was safely walled away, but Anne's confession had ripped through the scabs like they weren't even there.

Just before the tension grew too much to bear, Anne looked up at me sadly. "I'm not going to try to tell you that I always loved you. How can I make you believe that when it's hard for me to believe? There is no way that I can tell you that I loved you when I think of what I did, when I was seeing Alan two or three times a week over the last few months of our marriage. 

"But I hope you can believe this. As strange as it may seem, the reason I pushed you away so much while I was having the affair, was because I did still care about you. I found it too hard to look you in the eye when I was betraying you with Alan. The only way I could deal with my guilt was by avoiding you as much as possible. Every time you looked at me or touched me, it reminded me that I was lying to you." 

Anne brayed a sardonic laugh. 

"Maybe if I hadn't cared about you, it would have been possible for me to live a double life until my affair was over. Who knows what would have happened? Maybe we could have kept a shell of our marriage together, while I kept on running around behind your back, and we kept on drifting apart. Maybe we would have stayed together until the kids were grown, and then we'd go our separate ways."

The pain was obvious on Anne's face as she continued. 

"I couldn't do that to you, or to me, if only because of all of the good times we'd shared before I got us into this mess. I didn't want to end up in that type of worthless marriage. 

"It's ironic. One of the reasons this whole mess started was because I suspected that you were just going through the motions and pretending to love me. Now, because of the affair, I was doing the exact thing I blamed you for. I was the one living a lie, and it was tearing me apart. I knew our marriage was over; I just didn't have the courage to take the next step. I was trying to figure out the best way of ending it, without hurting the girls.

I snorted in disbelief. It was easy for Anne to tell me that she was hurting during her affair, but all I remembered was the cold shoulder, and the strain. 

I couldn't stop the caustic comment that I blurted out. 

"Well, I'm sure that fucking Alan helped keep you mind off your troubles."

Anne flinched in anger and tensed up to respond with an angry retort. When she looked over at me, the pain must have been written on my face. She bit back her response, stopped, and sagged in despondent acknowledgement of my position. 

"You're right. I did use Alan to make myself feel better. The more I did it, the easier it became to justify my cheating. I knew that I had already passed the point of no return, so there was nothing to stop me anymore. 

"Remember that old song you used to sing years ago, 'Me and Bobby McGee'? I felt just like that line from the chorus, 'Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.' That's where my mind was. I didn't have anything else to lose. My pride and my self-respect were long gone. I was doing everything I could to drive you away from me. Our marriage was on the rocks. I had crossed the line when I fucked Alan that second time. 

"So, yes, I did continue to see Alan. What's the point of closing the barn door when the animals have already escaped? There was no reason to stop and at least some reasons to continue. I knew there was no way to fix what I had done. I couldn't go back and not have an affair with Alan. And I couldn't deal with what I had done to you, and to the girls. I had to live with the mess that I had created.

"Do you remember when Lacey didn't make the soccer all star team a couple of years ago? How she tried to pretend it was no big deal, and that she didn't really want to be on the team anyway? Well, I was behaving the same way, like a petulant child. Since our marriage was as good as over, I tried to convince myself that I didn't care, that everything was just the way I wanted it.

"I didn't know how to face you. In an effort to salvage my pride, I tried to convince my self that you were to blame for our troubles. I transposed my behavior onto you and assumed you had started it by sleeping with Heather. I wanted to drag you down to my level, so I wouldn't feel responsible." 

Anne flashed me a look of defiance. "So, it's true. I did use Alan to make myself feel better. He was my safety net. I continued the affair, so I could feel like I still had some control. I got him to say all those pretty words like how he loved me, and was going to leave Claire for me. I tried to convince myself that I was in love with him and that it wasn't just an affair it was 'true love that could not be denied.'"

Anne paused and a grimace of distaste twisted her lips. "What I was really looking for was assurance that everything would be okay. That Alan would take care of me when things went to hell.

"But I was just 'whistling as I passed the graveyard'. I couldn't kid myself that much. The only thing Alan and I had in common was the sex. We both knew that he was just making pretty words and empty promises. He wanted 'no strings attached sex', and I gave it to him."

Anne paused thoughtfully. "It took me a long time to figure this out, but an affair is a lousy way to find someone to love. At least the type of affair that Alan and I had. We might have been getting together two or three times a week, but it was all rushed and meaningless. We couldn't risk exposure so we never spent much time together. Mostly we only had time for some quick sex. When you're sneaking around, you don't really have much time to really get to know someone. Everything is superficial. You mouth empty words to your partner, but you never really take the time to get to know them.

"Truth is, Alan and I didn't have a chance of making it as a couple. When it came right down to it, I wasn't even willing to move in with him when you kicked me out. That was why I moved in with Patty from work. Neither of us wanted the commitment, despite all the promises we had made.

"We did continue to date for a while after you and I separated. But it didn't take long to figure out that Alan and I had nothing in common. Our compatibility lasted just about long enough for us to get our clothes off. Going out on a date with him was a disaster. Once he had succeeded in seducing me, we had nothing to talk about." Anne shook her head in disgust. "I fucked the guy for months, and never realized that the only attraction was sex.

Anne started to tear up and continued in a whisper as she fought to maintain control. 

"I know it sounds stupid, but it wasn't until Alan and I broke up that I realized how much I had just given up. I had destroyed the most important thing in my life, my marriage to you, for a meaningless affair."

Anne sat silent for a moment before a look of self-depreciation and loathing crossed her features. 

"So, that's why I did it. That's what happened. There were a lot of things that led to my affair, but it all boils down to one thing. Just like I tried to tell you, I was a stupid fool that ended up doing the exact same thing that I was afraid you were doing. And because of that, I ended up throwing away the best man I have ever met, for the exact type of guy I was afraid you might become. I threw our marriage away for nothing!"

After Anne finished, she sat there staring at me anxiously. Her soliloquy had answered a lot of my questions, but I would have to think about what she had told me before I could come to terms with it. 

One thing was definite. Parts of her story infuriated me. The sheer randomness and triteness of the affair offended me. It had been bad enough when I had believed that Anne had left me because she had fallen in love with Alan Johnson, but to hear that it was just meaningless sex was a real blow to the self-esteem. It was like the situation where a sports team loses to a badly overmatched opponent. 

I couldn't help it. I found that my losing Anne to a vapid affair was humiliating. It just made it that much harder to understand.

I sat there lost in a fog until I notice Anne squirming with nervous frustration. I shook off my introspection and got back on task. I could continue my contemplation of her explanation later. For now, there were a few other matters that I still needed Anne to explain.

"There's something else about this whole mess that is bothering me Anne. Why did you try to lie to me that first night? Why were you hiding the affair, when you knew that I was going to find out from Claire? You had to know that would piss me off. I never realized you could be so dishonest as to try to pull a shitty stunt like that."

Anne had the grace to look guilty and embarrassed. "You're right Bill. That was terrible. I can't tell you how much I regret that decision. The only explanation I can give you was that I panicked.

"Our marriage was a time bomb waiting to go off. I knew that I couldn't keep on living the way we were, but I didn't have the courage to talk to you, or to admit that I was cheating. I kept on putting it off, using the girls as an excuse. I'd tell myself that it wasn't a good time because of school or sports. Truth is, I just didn't know how to tell you. 

"In the meantime, I was trying to pretend that I had everything under control, and that I was ready for the consequences if you ever did find out. But I was deluding myself. When Claire confronted Alan and me walking into that hotel, everything hit home. As soon as she told me that she was going to let you know, I knew that it was over. I couldn't hide from the truth anymore. My so-called control was gone. I didn't know what to do and I panicked.

"In desperation, I decided to ask you for the divorce before she talked to you. I knew you'd still find out about the affair sooner or later, but I decided to deal with that at a later time. It was an effort to salvage some of my pride out of the situation. If I asked you for the divorce, I could pretend it was something I wanted, and not something I forced us into. 

"As for the rest, all I can tell you is that I took some bad advice. I let myself be persuaded that I needed to do everything that I could, no matter how rotten, to get the best deal in the divorce. I was told that if I could get you to leave the house and the kids it would help me gain custody and give me a better chance of keeping the house in the property split."

Who gave you that advice?" I asked sourly. "Alan?"

"Kind of. After Claire confronted us, we took the afternoon off from work and we tried to figure out what we were going to do. He called a lawyer friend of his who agreed to help both of us. He was the one who told me that I had to start thinking about what would happen in the divorce. He told me that I had to look out for myself," Anne replied softly. "I can't remember who it was that came up with the actual idea of trying to railroad you. I know Alan had some ideas as well as some of my other 'friends' who had gotten divorced." 

Anne looked troubled. "I know that it was a dirty trick, but everybody told me that I had to play cutthroat. I had to look out for myself, and not think about you. I didn't do it just to hurt you. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't want to lose the girls as well as you. I tried not to think about how it might look to you, once you talked to Claire."

I shrugged my shoulders dubiously. 

"Whatever. But I have to let you know that that hurt me as much as anything else in this whole mess. It just seemed like you had no respect for me whatsoever."

Anne hung her head in shame. "I realize that now. It was a crappy thing to do and I'm sorry I did it. I started to realize how big a mistake it was the next day, when you told me what a cold and heartless bitch I had become. Until then, I don't think that I ever allowed myself to realize how much I was hurting you.

"Bill, the more I think about the way that I behaved through this entire fiasco, the more ashamed of myself I become. I didn't think about you, or Sarah, or Lacey. All I saw was me. And in return, I got treated far better by you and the girls than I ever deserved. When you proposed that truce, and offered to let me move back onto the house, I felt like I was getting a pardon that I hadn't earned.

"Sometimes it's difficult to see how your behavior is affecting others, until it gets rubbed in your face. It would have been real easy for you and the girls to hate me, after the way I treated you. I was expecting to get treated the way that I had treated you. But instead, you took the high road, and allowed me to get some of my dignity back. When I compare my behavior to the way you were treating me, it sickens me."

I stared off at the pond for a moment trying to make heads or tails of what I had heard. Finally I sighed and looked over at Anne. 




Fool's Gold Ch. 04



"I honestly don't know what to say. I don't know whether to thank you for finally letting me know what happened, or to tell you that I despise you and never want to see you again. It's going to take me a long time to make sense of all this."

Annie nodded sadly. 

"I understand. I was afraid that you would hate me if you knew what had happened but you deserved an explanation." 



Fool's Gold Ch. 05



Anne slowly got to her feet and started to walk back to her house. I watched her back for a second before stopping her. 

"Annie?" 

At the sound of my voice she half turned reluctantly. 

"Why now?" I asked softly. "It's been over four years. Why did you decide it was finally time to apologize?"

Anne opened her mouth to respond, and then shut it with a snap as words failed her. She slowly turned the rest of the way, and moved back towards the bench. She sat down again with a thoughtful expression.

"I'm not sure." She started slowly. "It's complicated. In some ways it just didn't seem appropriate until recently. Either I wasn't ready to tell you, or you weren't ready to hear it. I've tried to get up the courage to tell you this a half dozen times, but something always came up to stop me.

"Right after the separation, when you told me to get out, I was still trying to blame you for my troubles. Even when you rubbed my nose in my behavior, I still kept on trying to find some way to shift some of the blame. I hate to admit it, but I wasn't ready to apologize then, because I still hadn't accepted responsibility for what I did." 

Anne smiled ruefully and said, "Besides, what was the point? It seemed pretty clear that you and I were going our separate ways. As long as we could be civil to each other when it came to the girls..." 

Anne shrugged. "Anyway, the lack of an apology didn't seem to be bothering you any. From the little the girls told me, you seemed to be adjusting well."

Anne stopped her narrative and turned to face me with an intent look on her face. "You've got to understand, Bill; it took me a long time to realize exactly what I had thrown away. The longer we were apart, the more I regretted my behavior. How's that song go? 'You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.' I never realized how good of a man you were until I'd lost you. 

"Every time I dated someone, I kept comparing them to you. You were the standard that they had to meet." Anne snorted sardonically. "Problem was, it was a damn high bar for the guys to meet. The more I looked, the more I realized how precious our relationship was, and how hard it was going to be to replace it with something that could even come close to matching it.

"It wasn't until I saw you on that date that it really hit home. I couldn't believe how jealous I got when I saw you kiss her, and look at her the way you used to look at me." Anne blushed in embarrassment. "That was when I realized that I still was in love with you. You were the man that I should have been with. 

"That was why I wanted you to know about Alan. I think I had some crazy dream that you would come back to me. But even then, I wasn't ready to face what I had done to you. If you had asked, I'm sure I would have told you I was sorry, but I was still mostly thinking about me, and how nice it would be if we could go back to where we were before I screwed things up. 

"By the time we went to Florida with the girls, I was really beginning to dream that we might reconcile. I could tell you were still hesitant, but I thought I could overcome that. I realized that sooner or later we would have to talk things through, but I was hoping to put it off, until we back together again. Maybe get some counseling or something.

"It was Jean that really opened my eyes, though." 

A cloud of sorrow passed over Anne's face as she remembered back. 

"It's funny. Until you started to get serious with her, I never really thought about losing you forever. As long as you were just playing the field, I thought I had some chance of getting you back. 

"When you told the girls about proposing to her, I finally had to recognize what I had done. The girls told me how much Jean reminded them of me. Hell, I ran into your cousin Grace. She got a kick out of telling me how she mistook Jean for me.

"Up to that point, I was hoping for reconciliation, because that was what I wanted. I wanted you because you were the best guy for me. I didn't stop to think about the other side of the coin, whether I was the best woman for you."

Anne face screwed up in total misery. 

"Jean rubbed my nose in the fact that I was the reason we didn't get back together. How do you think your dating her looked to me? One day things are looking up for us to get back together… and the next thing I know, you are replacing me with someone who could be my twin sister. It made me realize that you rejected me because of what I had done.

"That's when I really started to look at my behavior. I started to think about what I had done, not just from my perspective, but also from how you might have viewed it. I didn't have the luxury of excuses and justifications, anymore.

"When I figured it out, I was ready to apologize, but the time didn't seem right. I was trying to deal with the girls, and you didn't need extra grief, either. You had enough troubles with Jean.

"After that… well, I wanted to give you some time after you and Jean broke up." 

Anne smiled sardonically. 

"I didn't want you to think I was trying to catch you on the rebound. I decided to hold off for a while, and just be your friend, to let you set the tone."

Anne looked embarrassed. 

"As for why I told you today? For that, you can blame the girls. They were the ones that convinced me that it was time to apologize."

At my look of astonishment, she grinned. 

"Yes, the girls. They've been after me to talk to you, since Thanksgiving. They kept on telling me that you'd never forgive me for what I'd done, until I apologized."

"How'd they find out?" I asked in a bemused tone. 

This was the first indication that I had received that the girls knew of the affair. I had never told them the full reason behind the divorce, and I had always assumed that Annie has been equally as circumspect.

Anne blushed in embarrassment. 

"After you and Jean broke up, I guess I got a little too nosy with the questions I was asking. I started to pester the girls about what you were doing, and with whom. The girls finally confronted me about it. They hounded me until they got me to admit that I still loved you, and wanted for us to get back together." 

Annie blushed as she realized what she had just admitted. Anne's blush deepened as she rushed to continue. 

"I don't think you realize how angry the girls were with you over Jean. Just when they thought that we might be willing to try to reconcile, you pulled the rug out by falling in love with someone else. 

"When the girls found out that I wanted us to get back together, they jumped to the wrong conclusion. I was hoping for reconciliation, they wanted us back together; you were the only one that wasn't willing to try. They were still upset over Jean, and they started to view you as the bad guy. They jumped to the conclusion that you must have been the one who caused the divorce. You must have been the one to blame. 

"I heard the girls talking one night, and I knew that I had to tell them what had happened. I couldn't let you be blamed for my stupidity. So I confessed the whole mess to them, so they could know whom to blame for the divorce. It took them a while, but they forgave me for my stupidity. They convinced me that the only chance I had to win you back was to apologize to you. Maybe then you could eventually forgive me too."

With this final admission, Anne stared defiantly into my face. The challenge was obvious. She had said her piece. Now it was my turn. It was up to me to decide what happened next. Out of some perverse sense of justice, I decided that I needed her to say the words that she had implied so clearly. 

"So, what is it that you want Annie? What are you asking me to do?"

Anne looked at me as if I was daft. She bristled for a second, but then caught herself, and looked me in the eye with a rueful grin. 

"If you had asked me that question about a year and a half ago, when we were down in Florida, the answer would have been easy. All I wanted then was a second chance. 

"But now, I realize it's not that simple. After the way I treated you, I don't know if it's possible for you to give me that chance, let alone whether I deserve it. I'd still like to ask you for a second chance; but even more, what I'd like is for as much of a relationship as you can give me. Whether its friends, lovers, whatever, I'm asking you to give me a chance to make it up to you."

For the first time since the divorce, Anne grabbed my hand and held it between hers as she stared at me intently. 

"Bill, I promised myself that I wouldn't pressure you. I know that I gave you a lot to think about tonight. All I ask is that you remember everything we've talked about."

With that final comment, we got up from the bench and started the walk back to the house. I had a feeling that my mind would be busy for a while trying to make sense of everything that I had just heard.

I'm no idiot. I had been a supervisor long enough to learn a few truisms about human behavior. I assumed that Anne hadn't told me everything. Hell, even if she believed every word of it, I had to assume that at some level, the story had been slanted in her favor. 

Even when you tried to be hard on yourself, it's natural to assign yourself better motives or justifications. Subconsciously you try to slant things for your benefit. Sometimes the easiest person to fool is the one that stares back at you when you look in the mirror. There was no way she had let me know everything that had gone on. So I wasn't about to take Anne's explanation completely at face value. 

When we got back to the house, it wasn't difficult to figure out that the girls knew what had happened. You could tell from the way that they kept staring at Annie that they were dying to get her somewhere they could question her. Every look they shot me was filled with speculation and ill hidden curiosity. I had a feeling that as soon as the girls got one of us alone, the inquisition would start. 

I didn't stay much longer that afternoon. I said my goodbyes after making arrangements to pick the girls up next weekend. It worked well that it was Anne's week with the girls. I needed a chance to think things through, before I faced the pressure I was sure they would exert for Anne and I to get back together. 

Maybe Annie had been telling me the truth when she said that she wasn't going to pressure me but I wasn't about to expect the same consideration from my girls.

I didn't get much work done that week. No matter what I decided, my life was about to change again. The difference this time was that I was the one calling the shots. I needed to figure out what the best course of action would be for me.

Naturally, I talked with Laura to get her thoughts and advice. What was unusual was that my normally loquacious twin was reticent in telling me her mind. Oh, she listened to what I had to say and was willing to be my sounding board, but she flat out refused to give me the advice I sought.

"Junior, the only piece of advice you need is something you already know. You've been spouting it for months," Laura stated with a grin. "You'd be well advised to do what Anne suggested. Think about everything Anne has told you. Not only her explanation, but also everything she has said over the past few months. You need to make up your own mind about what to do, and do it for the right reasons.

"Just promise me that whatever you decide, it's based on what you want, not what other people expect or want. Do what's best for Bill. Don't let anybody or anything make up your mind for you."

"Anything? What are you talking about?" I interrupted.

Laura shook her finger at me in a mock scold. "Think about it. You're going to have Sarah, Lacey, Anne, your formers and god knows who else telling you that you should forgive Anne. On the other hand Joe and some of your other friends are going to be telling you not to do it. Chances are, everyone is going to push your buttons to get you see things their way. 

"On top of all that, don't forget your stubbornness and your hurt ego. I know you better than you know yourself. I know how hard it is for you to let go of a grudge, at times. Anne hurt you when she walked out, but that can't be the only thing you think about. You need to decide whether it's possible to get past that. Don't let your injured pride take control. Look at everything.

"Thing is, the only person who can tell you if it's the right thing to do is the one living inside your skin. If you are not happy and committed to the decision, it's going to get real ugly, real fast. So, take Anne's advice. You know what is entailed and the pluses and minuses with Annie. Think it through, and make your decision for the right reasons. For once in your life, think about yourself first."

With that piece of advice, Laura shut up and refused to say more. I guess there really is a first time for everything.

By week's end, I was still nowhere near a decision. I had stayed away from Anne that week, forgoing our now customary family dinner on Wednesday. It wasn't that I was angry, or that I hated her, I just didn't want to see her until my mind had cleared. 

I'm not normally indecisive, but this was a big decision. 

My feelings towards Annie were complicated. I could tell I still loved her, if only by how much her story hurt. Spider Robinson once opined that the opposite of hate was not love, but like. The true opposite of love is apathy. If I had lost my love for Annie, then her story would not have bothered me. I simply wouldn't have cared, anymore. Because I still loved Annie, she had the power to hurt me. And, if I was honest, I still had the power to hurt her.

The question I needed to answer was whether I could get over my anger and hurt, and whether I could get over her rejection of me. After four plus years apart, it wasn't the affair that bothered me as much as it was what it led to, her decision to leave. I was bothered by her decision to give up and not fight for what we had once had.

That was the cause of my dilemma. 

Did I want to give Anne another chance to hurt me? More importantly, could I trust her enough not to abuse that power?

I'm not saying that the thought of Anne having sex with Johnson or any other guy thrilled me, but that was over four years ago. If we did get back together, I instinctively realized that we would have to treat it as if we were starting over, in a new relationship. If we tried to pick up from where we had ended, or tried to hang on to jealousy over the people we had slept with during our time apart, it would doom any new relationship before it began. 

As for Johnson, I wasn't about to forget about the affair. Annie wouldn't forget either. We both needed to remember, in order to avoid similar situations in the future. I wanted us to remember the affair, and all the mistakes that made it possible. 

I didn't think forgiveness was an issue either. It was no longer necessary. Anne and I had been apart for over four years. The longer I thought about it, the more I realized that Annie had already paid the full price for her failings.

I was also concerned about the potential consequences of a failed reconciliation. Annie and I had redeveloped a friendship that was getting quite comfortable. It allowed us the ability to do things together with the girls, with some semblance of being a family unit. I seriously doubted that any type of friendship would survive, if we tried and failed to reconstruct our marriage. 

It was the age-old dilemma. 

Did I want to risk what we already had, on the substantial risk that we could successfully get back together?

By the end of the week, I had reached some conclusions. 

I wasn't going to avoid Annie. 

At the very least, I wanted her back in my life as a friend. As for starting anew, my concerns remained. I was willing to try for more, as long as we took it 'slow and steady'. I didn't know how long it would take, but we could only build a new relationship, if we took it step by step. 

Anne had suggested as a solution, that I give her as much of a relationship as I could offer her. She was right, but that only addressed part of the issue. We needed to find a comfort level we could both enjoy. 

That Sunday, Anne attempted to avoid me when she brought the girls over. When she drove up, I had a feeling of déjà vu. It reminded me of the first few months after the divorce. 

Anne didn't get out of the car, or make any move to come in. If anything, she did everything she could to minimize her presence as the girls got out of the car and ran into the house. 

I could see her watching me as I stood on the steps, but she kept her distance.

I made 'the first step', by going out to her car and asking her in for dinner. She looked at me in surprise, but quickly accepted. A look of anxious anticipation crossed her face as she realized that she was soon to learn my decision.

I was expecting the third degree from Sarah & Lacey, but it never materialized. They gave me a quick hug and departed to the family room to watch TV. To say I was surprised would be an understatement, but I shrugged and walked with Anne into the den. I wanted to talk to her first, but I also wanted to talk to the girls too. My decision would affect all of us and I wanted them to realize this.

My conversation with Annie didn't take long. I just wanted her to understand what I was going through. I told her about my fears and my desire to take it slow. She was touched by my reluctance to risk what we had already developed but had a little difficulty understanding my concern.

"Annie, we have to remember that neither of us are the same persons we were four years ago. We've both had a lot of experiences, both good and bad, that have changed us. I learned my lesson with Jean. I don't want to jump into anything.

Anne flushed at my reminder of my aborted relationship. It was a good reminder to me, that she had issues to deal with, too.

"See," I continued, gesturing at her reaction. "It's not just me. This isn't just a case of my getting past your affair. You've got to come to grips with what I've done since the divorce, too. I've changed in ways that you may not know. There's no going back to where we were. If we get back together again, it's going to be a fresh start. Neither of us can expect the same old, same old. 

"For example, let's talk about sex," I said. I wanted to try to shock her a little bit. "If and when we do get back to a sexual relationship, there are some new things I'd like to try with you. I've tried a lot of new things since the divorce, and I'm hoping we can do them together."

Anne blushed. Our sex life together had been active, but it had never been that daring. Oral sex had been mostly foreplay, and anal play was a non-starter. We had mostly relied on a few standard positions we knew we both enjoyed. Annie and I had made love as a method of getting close to one another. We had enjoyed our lengthy cuddles, as much as actual sex. 

Since the divorce, I had broadened my sexual horizons. If I did get back together with Annie, I planned on exploring her horizons as well. I always wanted a chance to explore her fantasies. Just as long as they didn't involve 'swapping', or another guy.

"Annie, I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I also don't want to place you in a position where you feel you have to do things, just to please me. If we try to reconcile, we both have to careful to do it for the right reasons. If I force you to try something and you go along from some sense of 'making it up to me', then you could end up resenting me later. We need to be open and up front about what we want."

Anne reluctantly nodded. I could see the wheels turning in her head. She had approached the reconciliation as addressing only my issues and concerns. How she could make her affair up to me. Now she was beginning to realize that she needed to consider her own feelings as well.




Fool's Gold Ch. 05



Dinner that night turned into a free flowing family discussion. Annie and I told the girls about the plan to take it slow. They listened intently, but failed to butt in the way that I expected. Finally, I cracked and called them on it. 

"Okay girls, what's going on?" I exclaimed in exasperated frustration. "You must have a million questions about what's going on between your mother and me, and you haven't said squat. Why?"

Sarah and Lacey looked uncomfortable and had a brief whispered conversation with frequent glances over towards Anne. Anne sat there silently with a slightly guilty look on her face. Finally, Lacey looked up at me with an uncomfortable smile. She had been elected spokesperson. "Mom asked us not to bother you. She told us not to bug you about what was going on."

I looked at them in amazement. I wasn't that surprised that Anne had asked them. It seemed to fit in well with her recent behavior. No what surprised me was that the girls actually listened.

"How in the world did she manage to convince you to do that?" I said in exaggerated wonder, mocking them good naturedly. 

The girls giggled. Their penchant for gossip and meddling was well understood by all of us.

"She reminded us of how stubborn you are, Daddy, and how you hate it when someone tries to butt in," Sarah broke in, as Anne flushed in embarrassment. Then she went on in a softer tone. "She told us this was too important to screw up by pestering you, and trying to convince you."

Lacey butted in with a sly smile as she got her dig in at Anne. 

"Yeah, she reminded us of how muleheaded you get when someone tries to tell you what to do." 

As Anne face turned a color of crimson rarely seen in nature, Sarah, Lacey and I started to laugh. Finally, Anne shrugged, and joined us in relief as she saw that I was not angry.

"Thank you. You're willingness to do this, is a real sign of how much the two of you have grown up. I appreciate your concern," I said. The girls smiled self consciously at my praise and preened a little. "But, while I appreciate your concern, there is no reason to totally ignore what's going on. This is going to affect all of us, so you have a voice in this, too."

I grinned and went on in well honed imitation of the tone they had used on me on many occasions: "Just don't tell me what to do." 

I didn't sleep with Annie that night. I wasn't ready to take that step. I was afraid to move too fast. But we did sit and talk for hours, as we discussed how to proceed. Neither of us was ready to move in together, or to commit too quickly. But we did want to move beyond simple friendship. For that night, sitting next to each other was enough. We did kiss and cuddle a little. It felt 'right', to have Annie in my arms again.

Over the following months our relationship slowly grew. It wasn't without some tense moments and setbacks, of course. There were more than a few occasions where one of us would do something that hit a raw spot. The first few times we did make love were not that successful. Seeing Annie in my bed brought back memories that I had thought long suppressed. Similarly, some of my suggestions to Annie brought to mind her suppressed feelings of self-doubt. 

The biggest setbacks however, came from a somewhat unexpected source: Annie's efforts to prove herself to me. As our relationship grew closer, Anne had more difficulty in getting over her affair than I did. Despite our numerous talks about a fresh start, she felt a burning need to show me that I had made the correct choice by taking her back. Anne became fanatical about not giving me any reason to doubt her. While I loved to talk with her about her day, I really didn't want or need a minute by minute explanation of her day. Nor did I need the frantic phone calls if she had to go anywhere. 

I realized early on, that if our new relationship had any chance of success, I needed to trust Anne. We needed to get back to some variation of the partnership we had enjoyed before. That was the Annie that I loved and wanted, not some Stepford wife who was too frightened to do anything, because it might make me angry.

It took a while to overcome Annie's fears. How do you get through to someone who is getting annoying in their efforts to please you? If you try to argue with them, and tell them to stop, all you do is confuse them and make them feel bad. But, the problem was that this new Anne was not someone I could respect. I needed the Annie that could tell me that I was full of shit, when she needed to. I couldn't respect a walking doormat.

My solution was risky but eventually proved effective. I recruited the girls to help. What I wanted to do was to put Annie into situations at home where she would react without thinking. I needed to show her that I wouldn't get mad and leave her, when she told me to stuff it. 

So, for a while, the girls went on a reign of terror. It wasn't just that they would fight or act out. They became demanding in other ways, as well. Then when Annie was stressed to the max, I'd bumble in and do something totally inappropriate. Sometimes, I'd undercut what she was trying to accomplish. Other times, I'd interrupt with a stupid question. The goal was to get her to react and tell me to get lost.

It took a while, but she finally snapped at me a few times. The first time it happened, she blanched when she realized what she had done, and almost fell over herself apologizing. I simply shrugged and stopped bothering her. The second time it was a bit easier for her to tell me to get lost.

The girls and I kept up our campaign for a couple of weeks. She started to figure out what was going on during the second week, and finally blew up at all of us. We simply laughed at her, and told her why we did it. After all, it did kind of prove my point when none of us got upset with her when she blew her top. I think that was what finally got her to realize what was still missing from our new found relationship. After that, she did get better. I did miss the blowjobs on command, though.

By the beginning of summer, Annie and I were spending two or three nights a week together. We still maintained the separate households, but they were fast beginning to become superfluous. We had started to talk about the logistics of moving back in together as a next step. The girls laughed at us and accused us of living in sin, but we just laughed back at them. I wasn't quite ready to ask Annie to be my wife just yet. 

The big move came as Labor Day approached again. As a symbol of our new start, we put both my Townhouse and our old home on the market and found a new home that we all liked. The girls didn't mind too much. Their new rooms were bigger than ever, and the new house had a pool that they loved.

One interesting event in our reconciliation was Laura's Thanksgiving Day feast. I hadn't attended the year before because Annie had invited me to join her and the girls at her parent's house. This year was going to be the big unveiling of my new found relationship with Annie. It was also going to be the first time I had seen some of these people since Jean.

It was to be expected; the usual cast of misfits put their feet squarely in their mouths. Jean had been confused for Anne; Now Anne was confused for Jean. Laura nearly split a gut laughing at the confusion. Thankfully, Anne reacted better than Jean had. She found her humor and corrected the mistakes with a self depreciating quip. I did see her spending a lot of time with Aunt Cindy, however, and casting some devious looks my way. I got the feeling that payback would be coming at some point.

In the end, I decided to bring my tale of woe with Anne full circle, in the sappiest way I could think of. I proposed on Christmas Eve in front of the girls, Laura and all of our parents. 

The only complaint that I got from Annie was when I removed her old engagement ring, which she still wore on a chain around her neck. She had told me that she wore it as a remembrance of what she had thrown away. I told her that that marriage was over. It was time to start fresh. I gave her a new ring, and placed it where it belonged, on her left hand. 

Was it worth it? 

Anne and I had spent five years apart, and the pain and tribulations that we went through damn near tore us up. But as the old saying goes, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 

Now, five years later, our new marriage is going strong. We are more in love than ever. I have the luxury of knowing that Annie will never cheat on me again, or let her fears overturn her life. As she confessed to me on our second honeymoon, not only does she not want to cheat, she now knows that it's not worth it. 

After all, why trade in happiness, for a pile of dross that is only "Fool's Gold"?