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Curve Ball

By: The Wanderer



 I thank my LadyCibelle and Techsan for their patience, proof reading, editing skills and of course encouragement. I'd also like to add that we don't always see eye to eye, so I take full responsibility for the content and any cock-ups in this story. 

*

Life throws some strange curve balls at you sometimes. The first time I ever saw Della Steel as she was back then, we were set to be in competition with each other.

I'd applied for the position of area sales manager with a German company, which was just expanding into the UK market. I'd had my preliminary interview about three weeks previous and I had been asked to attend a group interview with all the other short listed candidates. 

If you've ever been on one of these Group Interview gigs, you'll know the score. But, for those of you that haven't, the general idea is that the employer gets all the candidates together in a conference room and just lets them get on with it really. The idea is the candidate who knows what they are doing is going to finish up virtually running the show. Well, they will shine out amongst the others anyway.

As I entered that conference room, I looked around the other nine candidates and I knew whom my main rival for the job was going to be, the moment I clapped eyes on Della Steel. Phew, now there was one woman who stood out in a crowd. As the day went on it was obvious that she knew her onions as well. With what I can only describe as amazing virtuosity, she shot nearly everyone else in the room but me down, time and again. The two of us duelled with each other's verbal challenges all day long.

By the end of the day, I think we were even on points, but I knew Della was way ahead in other respects. Shit, with a figure like that, the bloody Jerrys would be mad not to hire her. Any red blooded male buyer was guaranteed to give Della an order; all she had to do was smile and she'd have the average guy in the palm of her hand. Of course that wouldn't work so well with female buyers though. Oh, I don't know though; when you exude sex appeal like Della does, just about anything's possible and it was nearly the twenty-first century.

Well, it came as no surprise to me that I didn't get the telephone call that evening offering me the post. Actually I'd been watching the German sales director's mouth watering for most of the bleeding day. It was as plain as the nose on his face, (or the bulge in his pants) who his chosen candidate was, and I figured Della would soon have him by the balls. Literally!

The following day I flew out to Spain to resume my summer holiday that I'd wasted my time interrupting to attend that bloody interview. Well, actually it wasn't my proper summer holiday; it was my prize for being top salesman on my company.

I didn't see or hear of Della Steel again for about eighteen months. I was making my pitch to a new client; I'd been cultivating this old bastard for about two months by then. I figured he was just about ready to sign on the doted line and swing all his company's business my way.

It was as I was pulling into his company car park that I saw her come out of the main entrance. In an instant I suspected all my hard work had just gone down the tubes. The big smile on Della's face told me that she had just hooked a good one and as I feared it turned out to be my prospective client.

The thing I couldn't understand was that she wasn't working for the German Company. "Something must have gone tits-up there!" I thought.

Well, that's how things turned out for the next couple of years. Della was nicking my accounts left, right, and centre and, in retaliation, I tackled some of her older accounts and stole the work from her company by undercutting her company's prices. Look, I wasn't green in the business; I'd been around for ten years. It was quite easy for me to run into the right directors, who had been the buyers when I'd started. I'd just let them know I'd beat Della's price whatever it was and I soon had the contract, whether the company buyer liked it or not.

I'm not joking; it became a kind of undeclared war between Della and I, a real personal thing. She'd steal a contract off of me and I'd take one back from her. I'm damn sure she had a worm in our office somewhere, the same way I had a worm in hers. Illegal? Well, maybe yes, but business is business and what is it they say? All's fair in love and war. And of course, no one asks too many questions of a winner. 

Well, in the end the Inevitable happened. I'd just swung a nice contract from a company in Norwich. They'd signed on the dotted line that afternoon and, although I could have made it back home that night, I decided to stay over in the Holiday Inn. 

Look, things were quite sticky in my marriage around then. Gwen, my wife at the time, liked to live it up a bit. The trouble was, with me on the road so much she'd got a bit antsy about me leaving her alone too much. Well, things were kind-a slowly going downhill and we both knew it. I think it was down to which one of us was going to be the first one to mention the D word.

Damn, it was so bloody stupid. If my Gwen went out with some of her friends now and again, I wouldn't have minded. Jesus, I wouldn't really object if she found herself a playmate. At least I could get on my high horse and throw her out if she ran around behind my back. But no, she'd sit at home and sulk when I was on the road, then when I walked through the door. Bloody hell, just about everything got thrown at me. And when I say thrown I mean it literally. Damn, I think the woman had a standing order for crockery at the local departmental store.

Anyway I chose to stay in Norwich rather than arrive home too late to take the wife out. It was just a matter of self-preservation. The next evening I'd be standing at the door waiting for her when Gwen got home from work and I'd take her out for a nice meal. Show her the bonus I'd earned on the trip, then she'd take me home and shag the living daylights out of me. Yeah, you got it, strange marriage. You see, I loved Gwen and I knew she loved me; the silly bitch just couldn't control her temper. All right, I'm pretty good at losing mine as well! 

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, the Holiday Inn, just outside Norwich. I'd checked in and having dumped my bag in my room, I made my way to the restaurant for a meal. I'd call Gwen later and tell her I'd just closed the deal. She was used to me calling late by then.

I was still perusing the menu when, without a by or leave, Della plonked herself down in the seat opposite me.

"What's the big idea, Martin? You stole the Parkinson contract from me just when I had them ready to sign on the dotted line," Della demanded.

"Parkinsons. Jesus, Della that was bloody weeks ago and I didn't even know you were tendering for it." Strangely the truth, but I knew there was no way that Della was going to believe me.

"Bullshit, you've been filching my clients all year."

"Now hold on there Della, you started pinching my clients first and don't you try to deny it."

I'm not going to go any further describing the altercation that went on between us; you can guess how it went, we each accusing the other of stealing contracts.

I suppose we must have gotten quite loud, because the next thing I think either of us was aware of was a guy in a dinner suite standing beside our table.

"Sir, madam, I must ask you to lower your voices, please. Otherwise I'll be forced to have to ask you to leave the restaurant."

I think both Della and I looked at him with shocked expressions on our faces. Neither of us had intended to make a scene.

"I'm sorry," I said to him, "Miss Steel and I are in competition in our professions. I'm afraid we get a little too involved in our work sometimes. We'll try to keep our emotions under control."

"Anger isn't normally the emotion we have trouble with here, sir. Would you like to order now?" 

I looked at Della, only to find she had resorted to hiding behind a menu. "Have you decided what you're going to eat yet, Della?"

"Are you paying?"

Damn the bitch had some front. Fancy me having her dinner on my company expense account. Oh, well, they never checked my expense account anyway. Well, I hoped they didn't!

"Sure, why not. We can put it down as a peace offering."

"Ah, do we have a truce for the evening?" the manager said.

"It looks like it," Della replied with that bloody winning smile of hers on her face. "Can you ask the waiter to give us a few minutes?"

"Certainly, madam," the manager said as he backed away from the table.

When he'd left us alone and still with that smile on her face, Della held her hand out to me. "Pax for this evening and no talk about our companies or clients."

"Pax!" I replied, shaking the offered hand.

The waiter came and we ordered our meals. Surprisingly Della didn't order the most expensive things on the menu. I'm not sure I would have done the same thing in her position.

I'm not really sure what we talked about at dinner, but we were jousting with words and only just staying within the spirit of our truce. God, it was fun. You know, its not often you get to spar with your greatest rival in the industry under a flag of truce.

There were innuendoes flying around all the time and hints at the contracts that we'd stolen from each other. It was really fun trying to think of a way to drop a company's name in the conversation, without actually mentioning it.

Della and I weren't friends, but we weren't exactly enemies either. We were business rivals, both at the top of our profession. Neither of us could let the other get the upper hand; we both needed to come out on top.

I'm not sure which of us came up with the idea. But after our meal we went to a nightspot in Norwich. Nothing to rave about but somewhere to go. I'd stopped to give Gwen a quick call from the hotel's lobby and she'd ripped me another new arsehole for not making it home, but that was normal. I'm not sure whether Della heard Gwen shouting at me down the phone, but I'd be surprised if anyone in that lobby didn't. 

At the nightclub, we positioned ourselves at the bar. The place wasn't too crowded as it was a weeknight, but all the tables were taken. We danced together a couple of times; well, quite a few times when I come to think about it. But everything was very platonic, so don't go getting any other ideas.

It was whilst we were sitting out a couple of numbers at the bar that I finally got around to asking Della, "Tell me, what was the story with that kraut job? I thought you had it in the bag?" 

"Don't ask! I told them to stick it up their arse. Fritz thought I came with benefits! Why didn't you take it?"

"Sorry, they offered it to you, didn't they?"

"Yes but that randy bloody sales manager thought I was going to jump in the sack with him. When they offered me the job he invited me out to dinner that evening. I thought they were all going to be there, but it turned out him to be only him. I flattened the bugger in the restaurant when he said we'd discuss the rest of my terms and conditions over breakfast. What did the bugger think I was, a bloody pro or something? Anyway why didn't you take the job? You were second on the list." 

"They didn't offer it to me.... Oh, shit, I flew out to Spain the following morning, so if they called, I wasn't at home."

"Bad move. I think that could have been a real earner and it was yours for the taking." 

"Well, I didn't know you were going to beat the sales manager up. Mind you, you had the old bastard's mouth watering all day. I'm surprised he was that forward though."

"Well, he went backwards pretty quickly in that restaurant. That's the problem with having my looks. I've got to admit I've used sex appeal to get where I am. Why shouldn't I? I've got the looks. I can't see why I shouldn't take advantage of them. It's just that some guys seem to think they can touch as well as look."

For the rest of the evening, Della and I danced together and drunk far more than we should have, then we took a taxi back to the Holiday Inn. When we got out of the cab, Della took my arm and I escorted her back to her room.

This is where you expect me to tell you how we climbed into bed together and shagged each other silly all night long. Well, hard bloody cheese, you're out of luck. I was a spoken for man and I respected my marriage vows. And to be honest, when it comes down to brass tacks, I don't think Della and I really liked one another. Oh, we respected each other's talents when it came to winning contracts. But like each other in the sense you're thinking of, I don't think so. 

Remember we were in cut throat competition with each other almost every day of our working lives. We'd just had a truce for one evening and got to know our enemy. Who was it who said, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer"? Anyway that's the game Della and I had played that evening; we both slept alone. Well, I did and unless Della shagged the night porter, I assume she did as well.

The next morning Della had just finished her breakfast as I entered the dining room. She stopped as she walked passed me and said, "Good morning. Is our truce still in effect?" 

"Until after I've had my breakfast, Della," I replied, smiling at her.

"Oh, well, in that case." Della lent forward and kissed me on the cheek. "I meant to do that last night to thank you for a lovely evening. It's so nice to spend some time with a guy and not have him think he's going to get into my pants."

"My pleasure, Della. Perhaps we can do it again sometime."

"Only after your company goes broke because I've taken all their contracts. Perhaps we'll take your firm over and I'll be your boss."

"No, Della, you've got that the wrong way around. When we buy your company out, I'll be your boss."

"Pigs might fly! Thanks again for a lovely evening and its pistols at dawn from now on."

We exchanged a couple more pleasantries about the previous evening then Della left the restaurant, still with that winning smile on her face.

Well, I didn't see Della to speak to for a year or so after that. We often clapped eyes on each other at trade shows and things. But besides acknowledging the other's presence by politely nodding or saying good morning as we passed each other, we didn't actually talk. 

The war between us was back on with a vengeance. To be honest, looking back it didn't really do either of our companies much good really, as we would cut everything back to the bone to be able to quote the lowest price and win the contract.

Life at home went from questionable to impossible. I know that Gwen never ran around on me behind my back, because I know she loved me. You know, sometimes I wished she had done; I think it might have made it easier for me to accept the inevitable ending to our marriage that I knew had to come sometime. 

Things culminated one evening when during one of her tirades about me being on the road all the time, Gwen stabbed me with a kitchen knife. I know she didn't really mean to do it; poor Gwen just had little or no control over her emotions. When she was in a loving mood, she damn near killed me with sex. But when she lost her temper anything could happen and in the end it did.

Divorce was the only answer we had. Unless you've been forced to do it, you can never know how hard it is to walk away from someone you love. Because I really did love Gwen, but I loved living as well and I just didn't want to finish up in the ground before my time.

The police wanted me to press charges against Gwen for assault, but I flatly refused. They threatened to have me forced to attend as a witness. But I told them I was pretty sure that I couldn't be forced to give evidence against my wife and even if they could force me into court. I'd refuse to answer questions on the grounds that I might incriminate myself.

"That wouldn't make any sense," a police officer said. "You haven't done anything!"

"I know that and so do you. But it would definitely confuse a jury; they wouldn't know what to make of it. And, as they have to bring in a verdict that is beyond reasonable doubt, I think I'd have put plenty of doubt into their minds as to exactly what did happen that night. Give it up. You've got no chance of a conviction."

The prosecution service dropped the charges and then Gwen and I divorced amicably. Hey, we even went out for a meal together the evening the decree became final. All right and we did spend the night in a hotel room together for old time's sake. But after that night we didn't see much of each other if we could help it. Look, I told you we loved each other but sometimes life throws you some real curve balls.

Work took over even more of my life for the next year or so. Of course my main interest was still bushwhacking Della whenever I could get the chance and she appeared to be playing the same game with me. Taking every thing into account I think on average we were even on points.

One evening after a trade show we had both been attending, we discovered that by chance our companies had booked both sales teams into the same hotel. In the hotel bar that evening, what can only be described as an all out war broke out between the two groups of sales staff. 

As the evening went on, everybody drank far more than was prudent and loud comments and insults were bandied about. I know that two guys came to blows in the gents. Well, it could be there was only a little pushing and shoving, but these stories tend to take on a life of their own, don't they?

The upshot was that the hotel complained to our respective companies and banned all of us from staying there again. Yeah, we were all dragged over the carpet when we got back to head office, but I believe it was all with a bit of tongue-in-cheek. To my knowledge there were no long-term repercussions that I was aware of. Well, in my company anyway.

I think everybody realised that we'd behaved very childishly that evening, but that's how things go sometimes when you drink too much. 

Things returned to normal for a while. I'd started dating again, not that my job made it easy to build or hold down a regular relationship. I started having a few one-night-stands whilst I was on the road. But to be honest, whilst being fun on the evening in question, they weren't really my cup of tea. 

I first got a clue that serious changes were about to happen about a year or so after the war in the hotel. My company had three main competitors. There was the one Della worked for, then there was a little firm called Morechants from down the West Country somewhere. They weren't really in competition with anyone, as their products were of extremely high quality and very expensive. They had an established customer base, who were apparently happy to pay a premium price for their products. Not our target base at all.

And then there was Permons from up north, I think their factory was in Glasgow and their offices in Edinburgh, but I'm not sure. Over the years they'd stuck to selling in the north and left Della and my company to fight things out in the south of the UK. I think we all had about equal share of the market, with little swings in market share between Della's and mine. We'd mostly left Permons to their own devices in the north, because delivery costs pushed the prices up too much and cut into what little profit margin there was. Permons had stayed out of the south, most possibly for the same reason.

But Permons were suddenly taken over by a multinational and it was a surprise to everyone when their salesmen started moving south, with a vengeance. Not only that, but the prices they were quoting, were really too low to be believed. As they took more and more of the market share, we were soon feeling the pinch. 

Exactly who called the Office of Fair Trading in and accused Permons of selling below cost, I don't know. But Permons somehow convinced OFT that they weren't doing so.


Curve Ball



As my company's market share fell, the board made the decision to begin to downsize. Not that I was ever in the frame to lose my job, but my commission checks had taken an almighty dive. It also became common knowledge that Della's company was in the same position as mine and was downsizing also.

A few months' later rumours began to circulate that a merger was in the works. The conglomerate that had taken over Permons was rumoured to have purchased some shares in the company I worked for, normally a prerequisite to a take over offer being made.

The directors of Della's company and mine were obviously trying to cover their own backs by merging the two firms. When it eventually happened, it went down well for some us, although lot of folks did lose their jobs because of duplication, in the process. Both plants were kept running but with reduced output and staff. 

Della and my jobs were safe for the time being, both of us being most successful salespeople in our respective companies. Although we now worked out of the same office, it didn't prove much of a problem as the companies were in adjacent towns.

But now a new war started between Della and I. Which one of us was going to be top dog in the new integrated sales force? I'm afraid to say the rivalry between us gained new heights. All the old politeness we'd shown to each other over the last few years went out of the window; this was going to be a fight to the death between us.

Even with Permons low prices, Della and I began to claw back some market share. And then, when the reason for the low prices of Permons products became public knowledge, Della and I were back to earning ridiculous money again.

It appeared that Permons had been cutting corners on quality control. After some of their gear turned out to be well below accepted safety standards, all bloody hell broke loose up there. Production stopped completely and, in the wake of Permons sudden collapse, even Morechants picked up a lot of extra sales that our company couldn't expand quickly enough to cover. Folks were getting desperate.

The top salesman of the month title swayed back and forth between Della and I for the next year or so and then things took a turn that neither Della nor I had anticipated. The new combined company had been making record profits and at the same time as Della and I had been receiving obscene commission checks. When things had been bad before the two companies had combined, both Della's and my salaries had become inflated as well, neither company wishing to lose their best sales people to the opposition.

The problem the two of us were to find ourselves in now was that a monkey could sell our stuff and our company found they had two extremely overpaid sales people on their staff. We first knew something was up when the sales director retired. 

Now in theory Della or I should have been in line for his job. When the announcement of who had been offered the position was made, I think just about everybody in the sales department was shocked. The job went to a regional sales manager that no one expected would even be in the running. Mind he was an arse kicker though and, looking back, he hadn't been in attendance that night at the hotel after the trade show many years before. That was leaked as the official reason for his promotion over everyone else.

The next thing we knew the sales staff's commission was reduced on all products. Then the perks we'd always had were slowly reduced. And finally, when the next round of pay rises came in, both Della and I received far smaller raises than anyone else, and somehow, the details of the pay round became public knowledge within the company. 

Then it was apparent that our expenses were being closely scrutinised. I was dragged over the coals on more than one occasion over the smallest discrepancies. Della it appeared was receiving the same treatment. It was very noticeable to me that the other sales staff weren't getting the same treatment.

Slowly I began to realise that they were trying to push Della and me out. I think the plan had been that Della and I would both get antsy about what had been going on. The regional manager's promotion, the reduction in commission and our minute pay rises, all things I believe purposely done to upset Della and me; after all, we were still the top sales staff on the company.

I think the plan was that at least one of us would get annoyed and throw the job in. If one or even both of us threw our jobs in, it would save the company a hell of a lot of cash in our wages and what they would have to pay us if they made us redundant. 

That evening I called Della and suggested a council of war. As I have said before, there was no real love lost between Della and I at the time, but we were both realists. Della arrived with her current boyfriend, Robert Shore, in tow. He'd been one of the directors who'd been pushed out during the two company's merger a couple of years previous.

The three of us sat around the table, and played with different scenarios but couldn't come up with anything that we thought would achieve anything. But Robert did say that he was playing with an idea, but we'd have to give him time to work it out. He suggested that, in the mean time, Della and I dropped hints around about being forced to resign, and industrial tribunals. He didn't know whether it would do any good but it might throw a scare into some people.

Surprisingly it did. Notes appeared on the sales department notice board about voluntary redundancies a couple of weeks later. Unfortunately for the company there were no takers. The company had slimmed down so much over the previous few years all those who wanted to go had already gone. Della and I kept out heads down for the time being whilst Robert sorted out his plan.

It took Robert about two months before he asked Della and I to a meeting about his proposal. I was surprised he'd hadn't let Della in on what he was planning, it was apparent Robert had been playing his cards very close to his chest.

When I got to the meeting in a private room of a pub in town, I found several other ex-directors, besides Robert, who'd been pushed out of both companies. Robert spelled out the plan. He and some of the others had made approaches to the owners of Permons and to Morechants. The plan was that with Morechants backing, a company would be set up to purchase what was left of Permons and put it back into production.

Of course, Morechants would help with quality control and sorting out production problems. And, of course, having it known that Morechants was backing the products would or should allay any of the customers' worries about quality. Della and I came in on the selling side. It was our job to convince the market that the products were up to the standard they should be and sell them as well.

Everything was kept very secret, so it was a complete surprise when both Della and I walked into the sales director's office one morning and informed him we were taking voluntary redundancy. Honestly I think he looked relieved that he was getting shot of the two highest paid members of his staff. I'd love to have seen all of the directors' faces, two months later when Morechant-Permons 2000 suddenly raised its little head. Although we traded under the name Permons 2000.

There was some hoo-ha about clauses in certain people's contracts stopping them from setting up in competition with the old company. But it appeared that the contracts had been written in such a hurry when the two companys' merged and had so many loopholes that they were irrelevant. I should imagine someone's head must have rolled over that.

For the next year or so, Della and I jointly oversaw the sales department. Surprisingly we got on very well together. Della had broken up with Robert shortly after we launched the company; it must have been quite amicably because I never saw any sign of animosity between them. I think they both were too busy to dwell on it. Anyway Robert got married about a year after their bust up.

Della and I were very friendly by then. We spent a lot of time together whilst on the road; Yeah, we often did sales trips together. God, the buyer didn't stand a chance when the two of us entered their office.

And Della and I did get really friendly on quite a few evenings whilst away. We would find out where the nightlife was and have a really good time. I know you're busting to know so I'll tell you that often we did spend the night in each other's hotel rooms. When we'd signed a good contract, we really went to town and fucked like bunnies.

Our old company was soon cutting back on just about everything, as Permons 2000 took the major share of the market. Eventually it was decided that a distribution centre was required in the south. Although most our offices had been down south from the start, production was still based in Glasgow.

I'm not to sure how the decision was made but I finished up in charge of the southern distribution centre. Oh, we had a sales team working out of there as well. But the sales area was split down the middle. I ran the south and Della ran the north.

Della and I still got together all the time when she was in the locality. Actually she got a flat in Glasgow and stayed at my house when she was in the south. She had her own key and came and went, as she liked. Mind you, she did start to be very conscientious about letting me know she was going to be at the house, after I'd brought a date home one evening. When we got to the bedroom, we found Della was fast asleep in the bed. I'm not sure what that woman made of it, but she never would go out with me again. Perhaps she thought Della and I had a Bi party planned.

Anyway life, as far as I was concerned, was going just fine. I was spending very little time on the road by then, just the odd trade show. I'd bought myself a nice house and I had everything a guy could want in life. Well, except a wife and children that is. And I figured it was about time that I corrected that point.

Della and I had gone out to dinner one evening when I tackled the problem with her.

"Della, when are you going to marry me?" I asked her.

A serious look came over Della's face. "I don't think that would be a good idea, Mike."

"And why not?"

"Because I like you a lot Mike, I always have done. But I don't love you and you definitely don't love me!"

"I don't?"

"No, you don't. Look, Mike, we've always been attracted to each other. We've been at war on occasions when we were in competition at work. But now we are friends. Fuck buddies, if you like, but that is as far as it goes."

I was sitting there staring at her trying to make sense of what she was saying.

"Look, Mike, were you jealous of Robert or upset about me going out with him? And I don't mean envious that we were sleeping together. I mean really upset or jealous?"

"Well, if you put it that way, I was envious of Robert, but no, I don't think I was jealous or upset. I didn't think I had a right to be." 

"And you don't get upset when I tell you I've slept with someone else up in Glasgow either."

"No, come on, I've slept with a few girls as well. What right have I got to be jealous of what you're doing?"

"That's the point. If you loved me or I loved you, we wouldn't be sleeping around. We'd be so wrapped up in each other we wouldn't have time to think of anyone else. Face it, Mike, we're really good friends and if you want fuck buddies, but that's all there is to our relationship.

"I know I can always count on you and you know you can rely on my help and assistance whenever you need it. But that isn't all a marriage is about. It's about that longing to be with someone that makes you walk away from a sure thing when it's offered.

"Della, you've lost me somewhere."

"Remember that night we ran into each other in Norwich?"

"Yeah, but what's that got to do with anything?" 

"I was yours for the taking that night and you didn't even give me a kiss good night."

"Now, hold on there, Della. You told me the following morning that you were pleased that you didn't have to fight me off that night."

"Pride, Mike. You know you were the first guy who didn't crawl into my bed at the slightest hint I'd be interested. I'll tell you I thought I had you wrapped around my finger that night and blow me if you didn't walk away. I couldn't let on to you that I wanted you to take me that night."

"Oh, I didn't realise."

"Of course you didn't, but do you know why?"

"No, but I suppose you're going to tell me."

"Because you were in love with Gwen. Oh, you might have fantasised about getting me in bed and I'll bet it was going through your mind all evening. That is when you weren't giving me Gwen and your life story."

"I talked about Gwen that night. I don't remember?"

"Della chuckled to herself. "No, you probably don't. I think it was a built-in defence system to let me know there was someone else in your life. Who you had no intention of betraying."

"Quite the little psychologist, aren't we?"

"Yes, I got my Masters in it. Very handy in sales you know."

"So were does your psychology degree say we go from here?"

"Nowhere. We carry on as we always have until one of us meets the right one for them. Don't worry, we'll find them and when we do the other one of us will know immediately. Then I hope we can just go on being friends."

"Okay, Della, if that's how you think we should go; I'll follow your lead."

Della smiled at me and pulled me close for a long kiss.

"Okay now, let's go home and have some fun," Della said, as we broke the kiss.

It was six months later that it finally came home to me that I had no chance of marrying Della. She'd mentioned Gordon a few times, the same way I told her about the girls I was going out with. But one weekend she told me that she was coming down for the weekend but would be staying at a hotel as Gordon was coming with her.

I insisted that they stayed in my house, as I wanted to meet the guy. Why do we do these things to ourselves? My chest had tightened when Della said she was bringing him down south. I had a good idea what it meant.

Of course, it did call for me to hurriedly move all Della's stuff out of my bedroom into the guestroom. Here I was lucky that I had a cleaner with some sense in her head. Jenny (my cleaner) noted that Della's gear had been moved out of the master bedroom and called me at work to ask me why. Well, I told Jenny that Della was bringing her boyfriend to the house for the weekend; I had no secrets from Jenny, she was used to finding lots of different women in my house besides Della.

"You clown, Mike. And what's Della's guy going to think when she has to go into your en-suit because you left all her womans stuff in there. Don't worry I'll sort it all out for you and put her stuff away as she would expect it to be."

Gordon was a really nice bloke, and I could see that he was well on the way to capturing Della's heart. After that weekend, Della and I did sleep together quite a few times, but her gear never returned to my bedroom. I knew it was only a matter of time before the date was set. 

I'd assumed that when that date was set, Della and I wouldn't share a bed anymore. Well, I was wrong; we actually slept together on and off, right up until the night before her wedding. That particular night Della cried on my shoulder for most of it and we didn't make love together. Della was thirty-five and she had been her own woman all her life so far. She was having one hell of a problem dealing with giving up her independence and getting married. It could be that's why she had continued to sleep with me after she'd got engaged. 

After their honeymoon, Della and Gordon - when he came down with her - continued to stay at my house when they were in the south. But Della and I were never to share a bed together again.

It was on one of those weeks when Della was coming down for the weekend that she called to inform me that she had a little dinner party planned for the Friday evening. Della and Gordon drove down overnight and arrived on the Friday morning. In the office that day there was something about Della's body language that told me something very unusual was going on. But she refused to tell me what it was. 

When I came out of my office that evening, I was met by Robert and Gordon who, without any ceremony, dragged me off to the pub for a pint. Now I was sure Della had something planned but I still had no idea what? Robert and Gordon weren't giving any clues either, not that they necessarily knew anyway. I gathered their instructions were to keep me out of the way until eight o'clock and then to be at the house on time. The two guys - and I - were also to remain sober and definitely not to eat anything.

I'm not sure about the sober part; we were in the pub for three hours. We left the cars and took a taxi to my house just to be on the safe side.

As we entered the house, we were assaulted by the delicious smell of the meal cooking. Jenny, my cleaner, met us at the door; she explained she was going to play waitress for Della that evening as she shepherded us into the dining room, where we were to find Robert's wife putting the final touches to the table. 

I was by now feeling a little concerned as to just what the hell Della was up to and it was with some trepidation that I took my seat. Robert's wife fussed around, ensuring we were all sitting where Della wished us to sit. Requests to her about what Della was up to were ignored. I did note that the table was set for six.

Suddenly the door to the hall opened and Della stuck her head around it, I'd expected her to make her entrance through the kitchen door.

"Thanks for being on time, boys." she said to Robert and Gordon. "Now I'd like to introduce you to an old school friend of mine and my special guest this evening."

Della walked fully into the room and turned to look back at the doorway. But no one followed her in.

Della looked slightly annoyed. "Sorry, she's a little shy. Jenny, give her a hand, will you?"

Gwen came flying into the room, obviously having been firmly propelled by Jenny.

"Now don't say a word, Mike! Everybody, this is Gwen. She's my special guest this evening and, for those of you that don't know, Mike's ex-wife. I expect Mike to be civil and friendly to her this evening."

I'm not sure how I felt. I don't think I was angry with Della for the unexpected presence of Gwen. But at the same time I was pleased to see Gwen again.

Everyone was introduced to Gwen who was then ushered to a chair opposite me. I smiled and said how pleasant it was to see her again, how nice she looked. Oh, god, you can imagine what I said surely. Just the kind of embarrassed small talk everybody comes up with when they are completely out on a limb. I think you can safely say I talked rubbish for most of the evening.

The meal over, Della insisted we all adjourn to the lounge whilst Jenny and her daughter, who I had no idea was there, cleared the table. It was shortly after we'd moved into the lounge; I'd gone straight to my drinks cabinet to organise those, when I got a chance to have a whispered conversation with Della.

"What are you playing at, Della?"

"Not now, Mike. Get everybody a drink and I'll meet you in the hall."

I served everyone drinks, noting at the same time that the only two places left for me to sit was alongside Gordon or on the other sofa alongside Gwen. Gwen saw me looking and went to get up to change seats, but Robert's wife's hand shot out and firmly held her in her seat.

Everybody having a drink in their hand, I excused myself and headed for the hall.

"Okay, Della, what's the bleeding game?" I said to her the moment the door was closed.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm trying to get you two back together?"

"Come on, we were married once and it all went pear shaped." 




Curve Ball



"But things are different now. For one, you aren't on the road all the time and Gwen ... well, she's had her problem sorted out."

"What bleeding problem?"

"Her hormone problem. Why do you think she was up and down like a bloody yo-yo? Gwen had a hormone balance problem. She went to anger management classes after she... Oh, after your divorce anyway and they sent her to a psychiatrist, who had her hormone balance check out. Gwen's were all over the place; it didn't take them long to sort her out.

"You mean she doesn't lose her temper anymore?"

"Don't be silly, we all loose our temper sometimes. Let's just say Gwen has her emotions as much under control as the rest of us do nowadays." 

"Well, that's a relief to hear."

"So are you going to try to get back together with her?"

"Hold on, Della. Gwen and I broke up years ago."

"But you still love her." 

"What makes you believe that?"

"Could it be because you dream about her so much?"

"What makes you think I dream about Gwen?"

"Mike, you talk in your sleep! Why do you think that once you bed them, all those girls disappear so fast? It's not conducive to a long relationship, you know, to have your lover murmuring another woman's name all night."

"Oh, shit, do I? I've always wondered why some women are all over me until we slept together and then they didn't want to know anymore. You know sometimes I wondered if it was something to do with my performance in bed."

"Wow! You got no worries on that score, Mike. If it was only down to sex, I'd have married you the first chance I got."

"Well, that's a relief. And if I think about it, I do miss Gwen, and I believe I still do love her. But does she still love me?" 

"Jesus, Mike, do you think she would be here if she didn't love you. The poor woman's been on tenterhooks for weeks while I've been planning tonight."

"How long have you had this evening up your sleeve, Della?"

"About three years!"

"Three years!"

"Shush, they'll hear you inside. Look, Gwen's my friend and you're my friend. But I'm not that magnanimous. She had you once and lost you, or rather tried to kill you. Now when you'd been with Gwen you had no intention of climbing into my bed. Hey, I looked out for number one first. Can you blame me?"

"Yes!"

"I feared you'd say that. Are we still friends?"

"Of course, we have been since that day in Norwich, but I don't have to like you though. Now shall we get back to the others before they think we've run off together?"

"Good idea but they more likely think we are upstairs having a final...."

"You don't mean they all know we've been sleeping together."

"Of course they do. They aren't thick."

"Even Gordon and Gwen?" 

"Sure, who the hell did you think taught me how to press all your buttons. Although I don't quite know when Gordon thinks we stopped getting it on, so please be careful what you say." 

"Do I look like I've got a death wish?" Gordon's a big boy.

"Well, you had one when you married Gwen before she got her problems sorted, now come on."

We returned to the lounge where no one showed any sign of noting our absence. Gwen showed signs of feeling a little uncomfortable when I first sat beside her. But she relaxed when I placed my arm around her shoulder.

Once they saw that Gwen and I were comfortable with each other, Robert and his wife left and a little later Della and Gordon sneakily retired to the guestroom. I don't think Gwen and I saw them go. I have no idea when Jenny and her daughter left.

Gwen told me all about her life since our divorce. In theory I told Gwen about what had been going on in mine, but I think Della had briefed her on my life very well.

Gwen told me that she'd been friends with Della at boarding school when they were young. She'd run into Della again at a school reunion about six years ago. As Gwen had told Della her life story, Della had suddenly put two and two together. It had been common knowledge in the industry that my wife had stabbed me and Della knew that my ex-wife's name was Gwen. She heard me call Gwen on the phone, right back when we'd first met in Norwich.

The two had become firm friends again, but as far as Gwen knew it was only when I'd asked Della to marry me that either of them realised I was looking for a woman in my life. It had taken Della a lot of persuasion to get Gwen to come to the dinner party. Gwen had expected me to reject her outright. 

There was no way I was sober enough to drive Gwen home. So Gwen stayed the night in my bed, whilst I slept on the sofa. I think Della thought we'd both want to jump into bed together but Gwen and I thought it prudent to take things slowly.

Well, we did take things slowly up to a point. But I'm afraid we had to rush a marriage through four months later with Gwen two months pregnant. A sister joined the first little boy early this year. I think Gwen and I are going to be fine now. We'll have to see what tomorrow holds for us. 

Della and Gordon have two children now as well. We spend a lot of time together when we can, both at their house near Glasgow and at Gwen and my new place. We had to buy a bigger house because of the children.

The company is doing fine. I rarely go on the road at all and when I do Gwen comes with me. Jenny's daughter works for us now as a kind of nanny-come-housekeeper. And that means Gwen and I can get away on our own sometimes.

Life goes on



Curve Balls



JOE'S BLOG: APRIL 24 2008: 23.50

Oh man, being single sucks. It's now been 9 months 12 days and 14 hours since Bobbie moved out and the house still feel so damned empty. Actually, I have been thinking that maybe it's time for a move. I have always felt the house is too big for me. I should have sold it right after Mum and Dad died but I wasn't in a place then where I could bear to let it go. It held so many memories, it still does, but now, instead of reminding me of the innocent days of childhood, the hugs and kisses of the two people who loved me most in all the world, it just reminds me of Bobbie and the caresses of the one person who betrayed me more than anyone else in the world.

Sometimes it feels like I can still feel him, still hear his voice, smell his cologne, feel his hands in the night. God he was a good lover... too good, clearly he felt the need to share it around. I just wasn't enough for him. And if you are reading this you cheating, double crossing, son of a bitch... you weren't THAT good.

And yes, I am feeling bitter and I am feeling down and I am feeling goddamn angry... about Bobbie, about life, about everything. Maybe it is the approach of Bealtinne but the sap is rising guys and there is only so much fun you can have with a lump of rubber and five fingers.... well, by yourself anyway. Bobbie and I.... well enough of that.

Anyway, I was thinking maybe it was time to put the house on the market and move on, make a fresh start somewhere. It's not as if I have anything to stay round here from. No, family, no friends to speak of, and work still sucks.

Ah well. It's almost midnight and I have work tomorrow. Rant over. Perhaps tomorrow I will meet the man of my dreams. Hah! Yeah right! 

Reply by Minuteman April 25 2009: 09.30

Hang in there dude. It's still early days. Don't be too hard on yourself.... especially with that lump of rubber *wink*.

Maybe making a move wouldn't be such a bad idea. You've been moaning about that big old house for a while. Not that we aren't used to you moaning. Haha. Bobbie was a loser, you're better off without him.

Chin up mate. Nikki sends his love and says if you get desperate he'll loan out for the weekend. I told him it's okay... if I can come along and watch, maybe video... for my own personal use you understand... you WILL NOT find your ass plastered all over YouTube... well not until I can work out how to upload the video anyway.

Reply by StudMuffin: April 25 2008: 10.45

Hey... shouldn't I be consulted before you rent me out for the weekend? Not that I'd be complaining Joe, your latest pic in the gallery is cute as kittens. Where did you get that great tan, not in the UK for sure.

Reply by Mintos: April 25 2008: 16.40

UhOh Joe. You better keep away from those two... they are a bad influence. *wink*

JOE'S BLOG: APRIL 29 2008: 22.48

Hehe. Thanks guys... for the offer and the warning. You made me smile if nothing else. Well, life is looking up... kind of. A new guy started at work yesterday. He's a computer whizz and is already making my life easier...and more difficult. WOW he is some looker. I almost fell off my chair when Roach brought him over and introduced him. His name's Tarren McAlistair and his first words were. 

"Hi, call me Taz, everyone does." 

Now, you wouldn't think that was too earth shattering, would you? But oh Gods guys... that voice... those eyes...!! I was literally speechless. Given my recent sex starved condition my libido went through the roof and I literally had to clench to keep my body from betraying just how pleased I was to see him.

He's probably a couple of years younger than me, but at least a head taller. He has this long red hair... not ginger but a rich mahogany that seems to catch fire whenever the sun hits it. It flops over his face when he bends forward to look at the screen and he's got the cutest habit of flicking it back behind his shoulder.

His eyes are wicked, a kind of amber colour that change with his mood. Sometimes they are almost gold and sometimes almost brown but they twinkle all the time and, up close they are a mix of all those colours. I have never seen that before, so many colours in one eye... well two. And if you are wondering how I got to see them up close, don't get too excited; it was only when he was leaning over my shoulder explaining something about the new programme we are working on. He has this knack of making complex things sound easy.

Did I mention that he has a body to die for? He wears these tight black tshirts that should be outlawed. Roach has, apparently, not told him about the 'no tshirt' rule and I don't blame him. I kid you not my friends, this guy could be on the cover of Vogue. But he's not vain. He seems really sweet and uncomplicated; always ready to help, eager to please. WOW. I know how he could please me, but he doesn't seem interested and, believe me, after the first embarrassingly crass mumblings I have been heaping on the charm in buckets. Sometimes the poor kid looks really confused by it.

I have no idea if he's straight or not, knowing my luck lately it's inevitable. Haven't picked up on any signs yet, and it's not really the kind of thing you can come straight out and ask... well I know it's what YOU would come straight out and ask Alex, but not me.

Anyway, still no action but I think I might put my moving plans on ice for a while. The view is getting better and better here *Wink*.

Reply by Minuteman: April 30 2008: 09.45

Where do you work again? Nikki and I were thinking we might pay you a visit.

Reply by AngelEyes: April 30 2008: 19.28

Post that address on here Joe, maybe we can organise The Gathering there this year. On the subject anyone know the details for that yet?

Reply by BobiDazzler: April 30 2008: 19.50

It's a shame we've already booked the venue or we would be happy to oblige guys. Never been one to pass up the chance of a bit of eye candy. Looks like you got bit by the lurve bug Joe baby. The venue for The Gathering is up on the forum along with a link for booking places. It's on the 28th June. Don't worry, I am not expecting a sell out but you've only got eight weeks guys. 

Reply by StudMuffin: April 30 2008: 20.50

Thanks Bob... Alex and I will be there as usual. Can't wait to see you all again, it's been a while... erm... last year at The Gathering actually... and there have been a lot of changes. Mind you, I still think we would be better off calling round at Joe's office. *wink*

JOE'S BLOG: APRIL 30 2008: 22.47

Aaargh, this guy is driving me nuts. Keep catching him looking at me. He gives me these cute little glances from under his hair, you know the kind. What do they mean?!!!! Is he interested? Just curious? Scared?

The boy's a frigging genius. Not only does he know computers inside out but he has an absolute gift for, not only explaining things in a simple, straightforward way, but actually making it sound interesting. I'm in love guys. At least I am in crush mode big time.

Bealtinne tomorrow and I have a date... well in my own mind anyway. Have to stay on after work to sort out some glitches in the new programme. Roach, in his infinite wisdom, has decided that we have to fix them outside work hours. Taz is staying on with me to give me a hand so there is likely to be some steam. I am hot under the collar just thinking about it. Me... my crush... a big old empty office. *sigh*

Count me in for The Gathering Bob. This place has been the only thing keeping me sane this last year. I can't believe I have never actually met any of you and it is definitely the highlight of my social calendar for this year. That is unless the incredible Taz succumbs to my obvious charms and sweeps my off my feet, in which case you're all dumped and I won't be seeing the outside of my bedroom until December.

Reply by Minuteman: May 1 2008: 08.59

Happy Bealtinne fellow pagan, my blessing is... may you get to celebrate it in the way it was intended... I know I will. *wink*

I hope you manage to get some work done tonight. Before the seduction of course. *wink*

Good luck with both. Nikki, if you get to read this before I get home from work, can you pick up some jam... not, not for tonight, I have ALL the ingredients I need for that. *wink* *wink*

Reply by AngelEyes: May 1 2008: 23.50

Where is everyone tonight? Can I take the silence to mean everyone is out there getting laid. As, apparently the only other single guy on the site I would have thought I would, at least, have had you to talk to. Not STILL working late are you?

JOE'S BLOG: MAY 5 2008: 22.53

OMG!!! OMFG!!! You guys will NEVER believe what's been going on in my life these last few days. I can barely believe it myself.

As you know I had to work late on Thursday and it was just me and Taz. We got stuck in... to the work that is you dirty minded buggers... and he was amazing. He was wearing the tightest black jeans and tshirt and the way his body moves is.... aaarggh which way to the cold shower?

Anyway, he kept giving me these looks, you know.., the ones I was telling you about. We were sitting really close and I could smell his musky scent. Yeah, I know I'm getting poetic but Tarren McAlistair is a poem in living form. There was this one time... I looked up and he was looking at me with the strangest expression in his eyes. I had no idea what it meant but it made me feel hot in places I really shouldn't be getting hot in front of company.

I came over all peculiar and suggested we take a break. Taz followed me to the kitchen to get a coffee and we were chatting about nothing. I turned around from the sink and he was standing in the doorway, leaning on the frame and, I kid you not my friends, he was the hottest thing I have ever seen in the flesh, so to speak. He had his hand on the frame, over his head so that every line of his body was accentuated and he kind of had his head hanging forward to he was looking at me through a curtain of hair.

I almost passed out. There was this feeling in the air between us, talk about chemistry!! I don't know what came over me. In my defence I can only say it was Bealtinne and I was not in full possession of my senses. Before I knew what I was doing I was across that kitchen and kissing him. Yes, I know... I know it was a stupid thing to do but COME ON guys, I'm only human and he is.... fucking awesome.

And do you want to know the amazing thing, the wild thing, the insane thing? He only kissed me back.... oh YEAH baby. 

We stood there, right in the doorway, sucking our faces off and eating tongue pie for god knows how long...long enough for the coffee to go cold. And then... AND THEN... we abandoned the programme and he came home with me.

What a night. What a fucking night!!!!! If I thought he looked good with his clothes on, boy was I not prepared for what he looks like with them off. He is... aaarggh there are no words to describe. He was so sweet, not like Bobbi at all, not controlling and experiences and concerned with technique and appearances. He was soft and sweet and hesitant and unsure. It was almost as if I was his first, maybe I was. We didn't go all the way but we went far enough. Gods he sent me through the roof.

At first, when we got home, it felt a bit strange. I mean Bobbi is the only man I have ever taken back there... it was our room our bed... hell it was HIS. He owned it, if you know what I mean, just like he owns everything, including, at one point, me. Needless to say he doesn't own any of it any more. You know I was saying that everything in the house reminds me of Bobbi, well, not any more.

Oh hell... I do this all the time don't I? I fall in love far too easily but... well this time... this time... *sigh* We didn't talk much, we were too busy and afterwards too exhausted. I lay and watched him sleep for hours. He is just so beautiful.

On Friday morning everything was awkward and we kind of just danced around each other. Taz was acting weird and I didn't want to press him, although every time he ducked his head and gave me that 'what the fuck have I done' look he drove a nail into my heart.

He was weird all day in work and pretty much avoided me. I didn't get a chance to speak to him alone and I went home Friday night feeling like crap... to be honest feeling like a fool.

When the phone rang I was in no rush to answer it and, when I did and saw an unfamiliar number I didn't bother to ring back. When it rang a second time I hesitated, because I didn't want to speak to anyone, I was too submerged in self pity and misery. I couldn't believe it when I picked up the phone and heard Taz's voice on the other side. He sounded... odd but he asked me to meet him for a drink. God I was out of the house so fast I forgot to turn the oven off... fortunately it tripped the circuit when it overheated.

I had never seen Taz out of work before and he was... Breathtaking is a very overrated word but I can honestly tell you that when I walked into that bar and saw him sitting there it was like someone hit me in the belly and drove all the air out of my lungs. I literally couldn't breathe. He had obviously taken a lot of trouble and, god, was it worth it.

I got a drink and sat down and ... just looked at him. I couldn't take my eyes of him, and he just sat, with his head down, looking embarrassed and so young and uncertain. He kind of made me feel uncertain too... was I doing the right thing? Was he just too young and naive for me? 

And then he looked up and, fuck me, he actually had tears in his eyes. He started to talk and all the words came tumbling out, falling over each other. I had to get a couple of stiff whiskey's down him before he even started making sense.

It seems like he's had a couple of bad experiences. His last 'relationship', if you could call it that, to me it sounded like pure abuse, did not end well and he hasn't been near a man for over a year. He had his self confidence knocked so badly he just couldn't face the rejection any more.

Can you believe it... he actually said that he had been knocked off his feet by me and he tried to seduce me? Seduce ME! And then, when he succeeded he had felt... scared. He was actually scared that he had made a fool of himself. I mean the cutest thing on two legs and he was afraid I would mock him.

He wouldn't listen of course. I told him that he is the most incredible person I have ever met, that he looks good enough to eat and that, as a lover I would give him a good 50 out of 10 in any ranking scale. But he wouldn't listen. He just kept looking at me with those wide eyes, tearful and afraid. Fuck me but by the end of it he was actually shaking. Mind you, that could have been the whiskey, he had knocked back quite a few more by then.

In the end I took him home...mine that it. Yeah, I know I was taking advantage of him but at that point I didn't care. He was too pissed to do anything so I put him to bed and sat there all night just staring at him, stroking his hair and talking to him. Crazy I know, but that's what this kid does to me. Turns out he's not as young as he looks, only a year younger than me, so I didn't feel so bad about that.

We had an amazing weekend. Saturday we spent the whole day in bed... and no, we didn't spend it all screwing. We talked. All day we talked and cuddled and he cried and I comforted him and.. yeah, ok we had amazing sex. The same thing happened Sunday and by the time I took him home Sunday night I was completely, hopelessly, scarily in love.

I couldn't stop smiling all day today, and neither could he. It was great. We were like kids. I have never been so happy in work. 

So there you have it. This sad loser has hit the motherlode. I am in love with the most amazing person in the history of the word ever and he s in love with me... at least that's what he says and I am not about to call him a liar.

Life's good guys. Woo Hoo.

Reply by Minuteman: May 6 2008: 10.00

You dog. What a tale! Talk about a dark horse. You had better get a piccie posted pdq. Gagging to get a look at this amazing creature.

Reply by AngelEyes: May 6 2008: 22.19

Awww.. . now I am officially the only sad loser without a bf. No fair. Seriously though, happy for you Joe. You deserve some good luck. I second what Alex said about the piccie. We NEED to see what it is that has got you so het up. Besides I could do with some eye candy.

Reply by Mintos: May 5 2009: 23.10

Right you are Sean baby... you are such a sad loser. I keep telling you... come up and visit me. I might not make you a winner but I will certainly put a smile on your face.

Reply by AngelEyes: May 6 2008: 23.30

Dream on Luke. I would rather be sad and lonely.

Reply by BobiDazzler: May 6 2008: 23.45

Now, now boys. Play nice. Seriously Joe, glad for you and yes, I want to see the piccie too.

JOES'S BLOG: MAY 14TH 2008: 20.50

Wow! Things are just getting better and better. Did I mention that I'm in love? Did I mention that Taz is fucking awesomely amazing. Sorry I haven't been around much but I've been kind of tied up. *wink*

Trying to get Taz to sign up so I can introduce him to you guys. He says he has enough of computers during the day and doesn't want to spend half his evenings bent over a terminal as well. Personally I get hot at the thought of him bent over a terminal, but that's me.

Reply by StudMuffin: May 14 2008: 21.30

You dirty dog.... although come to think of it, I might just try that one out on Alex when he gets in. Seriously though, glad it's going well. You deserve it.

Reply by Mintos: May 14 2008: 21.40

So when you're not around for a couple of days we'll know what's going on. Either you're having a great time... or you've shorted out the laptop. Hehe.

Reply by AngelEyes: May 14 2008: 21.45

Typical!!

Reply Mintos: May 14 2008: 21.50

What's that supposed to mean?

Reply by AngelEyes: May 14 2008: 22.00

Figure it out.

Reply by Minuteman: May 14 2008: 22.15

Boys boys.., behave yourselves. We know you love each other really. One of these days you are going to have to take him up on his offer Sean.... he's clearly got the hots for you.

Reply by Mintos: May 14 2008: 22.20

Yeah right

JOE'S BLOG: May 21 2008: 22.45

Why does life keep throwing me these curve balls? Just when everything is going so well, better than it has... well forever... it's only ever a moment away from all turning to shit again.

Things have been so great between Taz and me. I mean really great. He is so sweet and gentle, so thoughtful and kind and loving and so, so goddamned beautiful.

I really thought that this was it, my forever man. I couldn't see anything that could get between us, that could spoil what we have. I know it's only been a couple of weeks but I prepared to swear that we would be together forever.

Only... suddenly, suddenly there is something coming between us. I don't know what it is but it scares me. There are things that keep cropping up. Times when he isn't around, when he doesn't answer his phone or when he can't see my but won't say why. There are little things, all the time. I don't know. It's like there are parts of his life that are closed to me, that he keeps secret and sometimes they intrude and he goes weird and closes down and won't talk to me.

I know that he is entitled to his privacy, to have a life separate from me but... it feels.... I don't know. I am afraid. I am so afraid. It's as if I can't quite accept that someone as wonderful as Taz is in my life and I am so afraid of losing him that I am just looking for signs, for reasons. I am so tired of it but I just can't stop myself. And yes, I have tried to talk to him about it but he just won't go there, he closes down straight away.

I know that I am being foolish over this, I know it.... but that's what Taz does to me.

Reply by StudMuffin: May 21 2008: 23.00




Curve Balls



Sorry to hear there clouds on the horizon, my friend. Just be careful. We all need our personal space and it may just be that he is scared too. It sounds like this is all new to him and he had been hurt badly in the past. Perhaps he just needs time to come to terms with things. Give him love, give him space and give him lots of sex. He'll talk to you when he's ready.

Reply by AngelEyes: May 21 2008: 23.20

Nikki's right. It's probably just that he's scared too. Don't push him too hard or you just get caught in self fulfilling prophesy.

Reply by Mintos: May 21 2008: 23.40

Woo deep for you Sean. When did you start getting philosophical on us?

Reply by AngelEyes: May 21 2008: 23.45

Eat dirt Luke.

JOE'S BLOG : MAY 23 2008: 22.45

I am officially in hell. I was round at Taz's place after work today and I found... well okay, I admit I was searching around a little... and I found his phone bill. I checked it out to see how many times my number figured and there was another one he called more. I got curious and made a note of it. Later I checked his phone and found it was some girl called Siani. I went a little nuts and we had this huge arguement. I stormed out and here I am... in hell.

I know I was wrong to look... for so many reasons, and I know I shouldn't have said anything but I can't keep anything from him. I just look into his eyes and I have to come out with it. I have never seen anyone look so hurt, so.... Dammit he's the one who's been keeping things from me. He's the one who has been keeping secrets. He's the one who has been phoning some dumb girl every day. He's the one.... so why am I feeling so guilty for being responsible for that look in his eyes?

I'm through with love. It sucks big time.

Reply by StudMuffin: May 28 2008: 23.07

What did he say when you asked him about it? Did he have a reasonable explaination. I mean, I don't know him very well, only what you have told us about him, but he really doesn't sound the type to be two timing you... with a girl. Maybe there is a reasonable explaiation. Give him a chance Joe. You two were so happy together, so right for each other. Don't throw it away. Just remember Bobbi hurt you really badly and it's natural that he's made you suspicious, but Taz isn't Bobbi. Just give him a chance

Reply by Mintos: May 28 2008: 23.50

Ditch the bitch. Nothing good ever comes of it when you compete with a girl. He's scum if he's fucking you over for some bitch.

Reply by AngelEyes: May 29 2008: 00.12

Get over yourself Luke. You don't know anything. There's no way Taz would do something like that. Hang in there Joe. There'll be a reasonable explanation, I'm sure of it.

Reply by Mintos: May 29 2008: 00.20

What do you know Polyanna? Life isn't like that. Get your head out of your ass and smell the coffee. When someone lies and hides things there is always a reason and it's rarely a good one. If Taz was lying about this woman then he's got something to hide. If he didn't why not just tell Joe about her in the first place? Grow up!!

Reply by BobiDazzler: May 29 2008 00.30

Play nice puppies. This is someone's life you're arguing over. What happens will happen and it's not helping Joe to have the two of you fight over whether his boyfriend it cheating or not. If you have a problem with each other.. . keep it off the boards.

JOE'S BLOG: MAY 30 2008: 19.50

Well, got hit right in the face by another of those curve balls... and this one was a shocker. I just couldn't handle seeing Taz looking so hurt and confused. I could tell all day at work yesterday that he was suffering and in the end I couldn't bear it any more. He kept sending me these looks... really sad and hurt and in the end it broke me down.

We went out for a drink after work and we talked. It transpires that he does have a secret... a huge secret but it isn't what I was expecting. He's not cheating guys, not seeing someone behind my back... well he is but it isn't who I was expecting.

The thing is... the fucking crazy thing is.... Taz is a dad. He has a son. Five years old and cute as candy from the photos he showed me. Siani is the mother and he rings every day to speak to Josh. Yeah, I know. You could have knocked me down with a feather. I felt so bad, so guilty for having doubted him and forcing him into this situation. He had tears in his eyes when he was telling me abut it.

It seems that Taz grew up in foster care and children's homes. When he was fifteen he met a girl in the children's home where he was living at the time. They were both pretty angry with the world, with life and they turned to each other. One thing led to another and she had a kid. They were both sixteen and she was moved to another home and they lost touch. Just about drove him crazy.

A couple of years later, out of the blue he got a call from Siani. She had a place of her own by then, a job, a husband... but she had always felt bad for having denied Taz the chance of knowing Josh and vice versa. It turns out they weren't living that far from each other. Taz started seeing Josh and it's gone on from there.

He absolutely adores him and gets on pretty well with Siani, even more so since he accepted he is gay because he isn't a threat any more. He seems to have a great relationship with both of them... that is Siani and her husband... he clearly has a great relationship with Josh. So there you are. Fuck. 

Seems like I am going to be an 'uncle'. Scarey thought. I have never had to share a bf with another man before  Hehe.

Seems like you were right Nikki. I should have known, you usually are. In future I am just going to have to learn to trust. On the other hand this has all turned out so well I am finding it hard to regret what I did. Taz must have been in hell.... keeping Josh secret, worrying how I would react when I found out, hating to sneak around behind my back... and he was under pressure from Siani to tell me. It's so much better now. Our relationship has changed completely. Everything is more open, more intense.

Oh God, I am falling in love. I am falling so hard and so fast I can barely handle it. Every day he does something that surprises me, every day he gets cuter, ever day he gets sweeter. Everyone loves him and it's not surprising. He's amazing. I know I keep on about it but it's so freaking incredible. After Bobbi I had kind of lost faith... in men, in love.... and here I am. I can barely believe my luck.

I am so looking forward to The Gathering this year. Taz is a little nervous about it but he says he'll come with me. I can't wait to see all of you... and to see your faces when you get to see him. I will be the one with the smug expression because he's mine, mine, mine.

Reply by Minuteman: June 1 2008: 09.45

Great news Joe. How awesome is that? You should have had more faith. I would think twice about bringing Taz to The Gathering. Knowing these guys you'll be fighting for your life...well for your bf anyway. I know that I won't be able to keep my hands off him if he's as cute as you say he is.

Reply by StudMuffin: June 1 2008: 22.15

Don't listen to him Joe, I'll keep him under control. Glad you got everything worked out. I for one can't wait to meet Taz... he sounds like a really nice person... and I never throw up the opportunity for eye candy either. *wink*

Reply by AngelEyes: June 1 2008: 23.40

See. I told you.

Reply by Mintos: June 1 2008: 23.45

Yeah, yeah, rub it in. Everyone mark their diaries... June 1 2008... Sean got something right. Make the most of it, it doesn't happen too often.

Reply by AngelEyes: June 1 2008: 00.00

Whatever.

JOE'S BLOGG: JUNE 9 2008: 21.30

WOW! What a weekend. Guess what I have been up to... nah you won't, not ever. I have been getting to know a completely awesome little man. His name is Josh and he is five and he is every bit as cute as his dad.

Taz took me over to Siani's on Saturday to introduce us. We spent a couple of hours together, getting to know each other and we really got on well. We went to this pub for lunch and it had an activity centre kind of thing... with ball pools and slides and nets and all sorts of weird things. You should have seen Taz. He reverted to childhood and played like a kid, crawling through tunnels, climbing ropes...he's pretty limber.

One of the attendants came to tell him off because the equipment was only supposed to be for under twelve's and he turned on the charm, fluttered his eyelashes and before you know it the guy is on there with him. Josh ate it up... he was so proud and I think Siani was too... I know I was.

I got to talk to Siani while Taz was fooling about and she told me some things about him, when he was young. She didn't have a bad word to say... well a couple but I am keeping those to myself for later blackmailing purposes.

On Saturday evening we brought Josh back to Taz's flat... he has his own bedroom there, and we had the most fun ever. Taz is so natural with him and Josh so clearly adores him. When Taz took Josh up to bed, he gave me a kiss (Josh that is) and he was so sleepy and smelled of soap. I fell in love with him, I couldn't help it. And then when Taz didn't come down for ages I went up and he had fallen asleep reading to Josh. He was lying on the bed and Josh had his arm around him and they were both fast asleep. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen.

Sunday morning we went for a walk in the park and played football. Josh is so full of energy... like his dad. I had the most fun I have had in ages. We had a picnic for lunch and Josh got completely fascinated by some ants that came to investigate. He and Taz watched them for ages. Taz knows an amazing about of stuff and he was telling Josh all about ants. I, of course wasn't watching the ants, I was watching Taz and just fell even deeper. I felt as if my heart was so full it just couldn't hold any more and it would burst, or split or something, but it didn't and we got Josh safely home.

Last night was the sweetest night I have ever had. We took some wine out into the garden and I sat with the most perfect man in the whole world in my arms, and the stars like jewels above us. We talked about... everything. We found out that we have both always wanted to travel but never got the opportunity so, next year, in the spring, we are going to take a month of work, pool our savings and go travelling. It was wonderful to see how excited he got. I felt so... so... special to be able to bring that look into his eyes. When he tilted his head back and looked up at me his eyes were brighter than any of the stars.

There I go being poetic again. I guess he just brings out the best in me... or the worst...whatever. 

Reply by Mintos: June 9 2008: 22.20

Make the most of it, it doesn't last, that starry eyed, in love stuff. Sooner or later you will find out that the sweetest fruit can be rotten at the core. Today he's holding your hand and telling you how great you make him feel... tomorrow he will be accusing you of sleeping around, stopping you having any fun, being rude to your friends and telling you how crap you are.

Reply by AngelEyes: June 9 2008: 22.50

Do I sense trouble in paradise? Having relationship problem's Luke? I thought you had the perfect one.

Reply by Mintos: June 9 2008: 23.14

Drop it.

Reply by StudMuffin: June 9 2008: 23.40

Behave yourselves. You okay Luke? Great to hear that things are working out Joe. Can't wait to meet the two of you. Only 3 weeks to go.

JOE'S BLOG: June 15 2008: 22.45

Sorry I have been neglecting you guys. Things have been really busy. Work is crazy... we have new customers and new programmes to develop. Taz and I are rushed off our feet. We have been working late most nights and he hasn't been home in a week.

In between the work we have been planning our trip. I can't believe how excited I am. I know it's not going to be for another six months but we have been looking at travel brochures. A different country every night, and making a pile of the places we both want to go to. When we've been through all of them we are going to narrow it down to half a dozen and then find out as much as we possibly can about each one of them. 

Taz suggested that we try to learn at least a few basic phrases in the languages of all the countries we are going to... hmm.. not so sure about that. I mean he already speaks four languages fluently, and that doesn't count computer code, but me... I never got to grips with French and I didn't get past the first term of German. He's been trying to teach me some phrases in Italian and French and we have post it's all over the house. He is being so cute about it that I am trying, really trying but not too sure how well it will turn out.

Oh, and we're going to the seaside for a week in the Summer holidays and Josh is coming with us. Apparently Taz takes him every year. You know, I'm almost as excited about that as about our epic journey. I can't wait to build sandcastles and stand, holding hands, staring out over the ocean. I have always loved the sea. Bobbi was never really interested, to be honest he wasn't interested in anything much that wasn't directly feeding into his self esteem.

I tried to get Bobbi to walk on the cliffs I don't know how many times. These days I wouldn't do it because the temptation to throw him off would be too great. I didn't have to try too hard with Taz. He is well up for it. I can't wait.

Reply by Minuteman: June 16 2008: 09.12

Aww... how sweet. The epic trip sounds amazing. Just the thing for those long winter evenings, cuddled up in front of the fire pouring over photographs of tropical islands and cerulean seas. (See I can be poetic when I want to be. Don't tell Nikki though or he will expect me to be poetic with him.) Not so sure about the learning the languages thing... I can barely speak English myself. 

The trip to the beach sounds good too. It's been years since I built a sandcastle and I had forgotten how much fun it can be. I think I might drag Nikki to the beach on Saturday if the weather is good.

Reply by StudMuffin: June 16 2008: 22.17

I am expecting some real romancing now dude... poetry, flowers, the works. Especially if you want to get me within a mile of sand. I hate the stuff. Glad to hear that things are going well Joe, you deserve it. The epic trip sounds amazing. The nearest I've got is two weeks in Ibiza two years ago.

Reply by Minuteman: June 16 2008: 23.19

That was pretty epic though, as I recall... not that I recall all that much to be honest... 

Reply by BobiDazzler: June 16 208: 23.45

You have to go to Bali. Went there with the bf last year and it is the most romantic place on earth. I will have to post some pictures. It will be good to look at them again, I'll get Andy to go through them with me, take a walk down memory lane. *sigh* Happy days, happy days.

JOE'S BLOG: JUNE 25 2008: 21.50

Phew! What a time, what a time? I have been negligent again haven't I but, in my defence I have been busy and... I have news.

Taz has moved in with me! Yeah, I know.... amazing. Well, he was spending less and less time at home and in the end he was only going there to pick up stuff or if Josh stayed over. So we decorated one of the spare rooms for Josh and, last weekend moved all his stuff in. It's been intense. Really intense.

I know that you guys are going to say it's too soon and I would too if it was one of you but it feels so right. It wasn't even as though we stressed over the decision. It wasn't a big thing like it was with Bobbi, it was completely natural, utterly right. One night we were sitting in the garden and Taz was whinging about having to go home and... well I just looked him in the eyes and said... you don't have to go home, you don't have to go anywhere... this could be your home.

For the longest moment he just looked at me but I wasn't scared, I had no doubt what he would say and, in the end he just smiled, shrugged and said... Ok.

The next day we called round at Siani's and talked to Josh and he was more than happy with it. We talked to him about how he wanted his room and then spent four days decorating and moving his stuff in...and then we moved Taz's stuff and....voila... we're a proper couple, living together and everything.

Life is so good. And only 3 days to The Gathering. I'm really looking forward to it. Taz hasn't been too well, a miserable throat virus... he's been croaking at me all day. He could do with something to pick him up again. He's fast asleep right now, bless him, I'm looking down on him while I'm typing and I just can't keep my hands of him. He's smiling and I bet he's not asleep at all. As soon as I finish typing this I am going to do a Snow White on him. I am so excited... about life, the universe and everything.

Reply by Minuteman: June 23 2008: 22.56

You are scary Joe. When you're down you're down. When you're up... woo hoo, there's no stopping you. And talk about a fast mover... Seriously, Nikki and I are so happy for you... and we can't wait to get to meet the two of you. I can't believe it's only 3 days! Tell Taz to take care of himself... no excuses for non attendance short of death and that's not an option. 

Reply by AngelEyes: June 25 2008: 23.07

Way to go Joe. I'm wildly jealous but so pleased for you. Can't wait until Saturday.

Reply by Mintos: June 25 2008: 23.20

It'll all end in tears, mark my words. Still, I am looking forwards to meeting you guys, well most of you. Jay is being difficult as usual so I don't know if he'll be coming but I'll be there deffo.

JOES'S BLOG: JUNE 27 2008: 22.30

Well, we're all set and ready to go. Taz seems better today, at least he can speak which is a good thing. I have been dosing him on whatever meds I can get my hands on and force feeding him jelly and ice cream so he'll probably be tranked and fat but still good enough to eat.

We're both VERY excited and just can't wait. I didn't sleep much last night. One minute I was excited and the next terrified. I am always like that when I'm meeting someone new for the first time... and there are so many of you. I have had pictures of you in my head for so long and now I am going to get to see the real thing. It's scary, but exciting. I hope you won't be too disappointed in me. I KNOW you won't be disappointed in Taz.

He's not nervous at all, he never is. He seems to take everything in his stride, the good and the bad. He is good for me, a stabilising influence. It's only now, with him, that I realise what a mess I have been over the last couple of years. Bobbi was bad for me, and not just because he cheated. I needed someone who was calm and stable, someone I could trust, lean on. I was in bits after my parents died and I needed someone I could talk to and cry on. Bobbi never gave me that, he was too wrapped up in his own shit. 

I've come further in the last couple of months with Taz than I did in three years with Bobbi. I never thought I would say this but Bobbi leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me. Thanks Dude!!

See you tomorrow everyone.

JOE'S BLOG: JUNE 29 2008: 23.00

It was so amazing to get to meet you all. I am sorry that I didn't post this last night, I meant to but we were both exhausted when we got home. Taz slept the whole way in the car and I had a devil of a job to wake him and get him inside. You wore him out ... you bad.

I can't believe how wrong I was in some of my imaginings about you lot. You are all so hot... wow. Just as well I met Taz when I did. 

Taz loved you and hasn't been able to stop talking about you all today. It took it out of him though, the trip. He's slept all day. I don't think that virus has quite gone. He's got an appointment with the doctor tomorrow but there's not really anything they can do with a virus... just have to wait it out.

I am so sorry about what happened with you and Jay, Luke. It was a hell of a fight. I hope you got it all sorted out. I'm sure it must have been difficult for you to keep cheerful after he stormed off. You did a great job.




Curve Balls



Sean... you are adorable. If I wasn't with Taz I would have stolen you away right there and then. I can't believe you are still single. The guys were you live must be all deaf and blind. You have such an amazingly sexy voice...what IS that accent... just a hint but OMG how sexy. And your eyes... woohoo. I looked into my crystal ball and predict you won't be single for long. There was A LOT of attention coming your way.

The rest of you were pretty much exactly as I had imagined you. Nikki and Alex, you guys are made for each other. Nikki you are an absolute saint.... you should worship him Alex, he's the only one who would put up with you... you are a TERRIBLE FLIRT.

Anyway, my angel is snuggling up to me looking so tired, but still good enough to eat... so I had better go eat him before he passes out. Lots of love and kisses.

Reply by Minuteman: June 29 2008: 23.12

I am NOT a terrible flirt... I am a really good one.  Seriously, it was fab to finally put a face to a name... well two actually. You were certainly not what Nikki and I had expected. You two are gods. No wonder Taz was so smitten with you. We've heard you rant on so much about how gorgeous he is, you kept us completely in the dark about you. You're a stud dude. And you make such a cute couple. I wish Nikki would look at me the way you two look at each other. *sigh* Young love.... 

You were so made for each other. Both of you are good enough to eat. Would never know to look at you what geeks you are. I wish you hadn't let Taz wear those trousers though. I have always had a thing for leather. I don't know if you noticed but I had to carry my coat in front of me the whole day. Fuck man... no consideration for the rest of us! He's a loaded weapon.

Anyway... yeah was good to get to meet you all. Maybe we shouldn't wait a whole year before doing it again. Now that you have our number Joe, give us a ring sometime.

Reply by Mintos: June 29 2008: 23.42

I'm really sorry about Saturday. Jay was completely out of order. I should have known. He was sulky because he didn't want to come and when he's in that kind of mood he goes looking for trouble. I'm really, really sorry it got so out of hand. It's been brewing for a while and I was so chuffed meeting you all. I think sometimes he doesn't like to see me happy.

Anyway... here's my big news... I ditched him. Being with you guys, seeing the way you are with each other, seeing what else is out there.... it made me realise that I am too good for this crap. He's always been the same, always tearing me down, spoiling anything that is good for me. So... I have to say thank you. Thank you for letting me see what real relationships are supposed to be like. Thank you for supporting me and making me realise that I am better than that. Thank you for giving me the strength to do what I should have done a long time ago.

And Joe, I have to say a really special thank you to Taz. He was really sweet to me. He came in and found me sobbing in the toilet and put me back together again. He's special. You're lucky. I hope one day that I will find someone like him, or like you... like any of you. Thanks.

Reply by AngelEyes: June 29 2008: 23.28

You okay? I have to admit that I was hoping you would get rid of that asshole. You can do so much better.

Reply by Mintos: June 29 2008: 23.35

I thought you hated me.

Reply by AngelEyes: June 29 2008: 23.42

I do but no one deserves to be treated like that. If you want to talk about it call me.

Reply by Mintos: June 29 2008: 23.50

Was that a proposition?

Reply by AngelEyes: June 29 2008: 23.58

Don't get carried away. I still hate you but I've been through my own shit and I know it can make a difference to know there's someone there. I may hate you but, after all this time, I do kind of care..... kind of.

JOE'S BLOG: JUNE 30 2008: 17.45

OMG! Those curve balls just keep on coming. What have I done to deserve this? Just when everything was going so well. Oh God! Oh God! I am in a state. I don't know what to do.

Calm down Joe and talk sense. Oh God this is hard. I went to work this morning, after a GREAT night, if you know what I mean. Taz was going to the doctor's appointment and I didn't think anything of it until it was getting on for lunchtime and he still hadn't shown for work.

I started to get a bit worried and I called him. He sounded really weird but he said he was okay and he'd be there soon. Told me he couldn't talk right then. I was slightly miffed to be honest and curious but... hey, I've learned my lesson when it comes to Taz and his secrets.

And then... then... It was about three o'clock and Taz called. I didn't take the call because I was being bollocked by Roach at the time and so I rang him back about ten minutes later. He was crying and... I thought at first that something had happened, you know an accident or something and I went a bit crazy. In the end it was he who had to calm me down enough to listen to what he had to say.

It seems that when he went to the doctors this morning they were worried about some things and they sent him straight to the hospital for some tests. When he rang me they had just told him they wanted to admit him and he was panicking. Well... I panicked too. I dropped everything and just walked out. I went straight to the hospital and by the time I got there they had actually fucking admitted him. 

We talked to this doctor who said that they think he has something wrong with his heart. They think it could be the virus. They're doing more tests as we speak and I am frigging FREAKING OUT. I am all alone in this room, with no one telling me what's going on and it's been over an hour and I just want him to be here. I want him to be okay.

FUCK What am I going to do if something happens to him? What am I going to do?

Reply by BobiDazzler: June 30 2008: 17.59

Keep it together man. What a shock! Look... I'm sure everything is going to be alright. Keep us posted. I'll let everyone know. We're all thinking of you, both of you.

JOE'S BLOG: JUNE 30 2008: 21.15

Ah shit man! What a fucking day. I'm sitting here, at home, all alone, thinking... what the hell? They made me come home. They said there was nothing I could do there. Well, maybe so, but I could have BEEN there. No chance of sleep tonight. 

I wanted to stay, oh God I wanted to stay. They said...what's the use of just sitting there watching him sleep? Have they ever done that? Have they ever watched the cute way his eyelashes flutter when he's dreaming, got lost in that beautiful face and found that hours have passed? Have they ever stroked his face and smiled at the way he murmurs and snuggled into your hand? I have.

I'm at least allowed to go back first thing in the morning. I can't bear to be away from him. If I thought the house seemed empty before, how much more so now? I keep picking up his things and just holding them, smelling his scent on his clothes.... I called Siani and she asked me if I wanted to go stay there tonight, but I need to be on my own..... apart from your guys of course.

I'm scared guys, scared. I feel dead inside... lost. He is the better part of me, my safety, my security. Without him I have nothing.

Reply by StudMuffin: June 30 2008: 22.30

Fuck! Didn't see that coming! So sorry man. Give me a ring if you feel like talking. Keep your chin up mate. I'm sure he'll be alright. He looks fragile but he's a strong one, I could tell.

Reply by AngelEyes: June 30 2008: 22.50

God. What can I say? I'm here for you, for both of you. I'm not that far away. Do you want me to come keep you company?

Reply by Mintos: June 30 2008: 22.56

Yeah, I'm sure Sean could think of ways of taking your mind off things.

Reply by AngelEyes: June 30 2008: 23.18

Trust you! Try dragging your mind up above your belt and thinking of something else for a change. I don't think that comment was appropriate Luke. Joe's got other things on his mind right now. Don't be so bloody heartless.

Reply by Mintos: June 30 2008: 23.40

Just trying to bring in a little light relief. Didn't mean to be disrespectful. Sorry Joe.

JOE'S BLOG: JULY 1 2008: 12.18

Don't worry Luke. We all deal with things in our own way. No offence taken. I read your comments to Taz and it made him smile so... no worries.

I'm stuck here waiting again. They've taken him for more tests, been gone most of the morning. They think that the virus damaged a valve in his heart . They've been talking surgery and all sorts. I can't believe how calm he is. He just seems to take it all in his stride and HE'S reassuring ME... can you believe it. He's so strong. I'm just falling apart and he's always smiling.

The nurses are all in love with him... of course. They keep coming in to check on him and I'm sure it's more than they actually need to. One of them, this wicked hippy type says she's coming in for her dose of sunshine and he is like that. He's like sunshine on a dark day. It's such a dark day.

I'm so tired. I didn't get any sleep last night. I couldn't wait to get here this morning. I didn't care that we was still asleep. I just sat here and drank him in until he woke up and it was like the sun rising. He's just the same. He doesn't actually seem to be ill. In fact he seems better than he's been. It's hard to believe what's going on.

They've got him hooked up to all sorts of machines and I hate it. I hate to have to sit here and listen to them and worry about what I am going to do if they go bad. It's like a bad movie. I keep expecting to hear that sound, you know... like in the movies when someone dies.... I keep.... But no... I have to stop thinking that way. Taz gets cross with me ... and he always knows. He can read me like a book.

I feel so alone. I am in a building full of hundreds, maybe thousands of people and it seems as if the only ones who exist in the whole world are me and Taz... and now he's not here so it's only me.

Thanks for the call last night Nikki and Alex. It meant a lot to me. I think I might have gone insane if I hadn't spoken to you. You really calmed me down. You guys are great.

Reply by Minuteman: July 1 2008: 13.12

Hang on in there mate. Help is at hand.

JOE'S BLOG: JULY 1 2008: 23.45

You guys are the best! I couldn't believe it when you walked in. You could have knocked me down with a feather. I still can't believe that you all took time out of your lives to actually come down. I'm sorry that nurse was so aggressive, she's kind of protective of ... well both of us I suppose and there were quite a crowd of you.

Taz says he's sorry he wasn't more sociable. He'd got sedated for some of the tests and wasn't really on the same planet. He was really pleased though. He didn't stop talking about it all evening.

I've just got home and I actually think I might get some sleep tonight. I'm exhausted. It's looking a bit brighter tonight. They've started him on some drugs that they think might fix things without needing surgery. Taz is delighted. They keep warning him not to get his hopes up too high but he was in his indestructible mode.

We talked about the trip and we're thinking of brining it forward to the Autumn. Taz is going to need something to keep his mind occupied and, when he comes out of the hospital he can keep busy with planning everything. It will do him good.

I am going to leave the laptop with him tomorrow, have to go into work for a couple of hours to troubleshoot. He's going to do some research. I think it will pick him up a lot because he's really bored at the moment. Yeah... I know... wouldn't believe it would you, with all this going on, with me like a crazy man around the place...he's actually bored.

Anyway, thanks again. We both really appreciated it.

Reply by Minuteman: July 1 2008: 23.50

Glad to oblige my friend. It was great to see you both again. I know it's only been a few days since The Gathering but it already feels like a very long time. It was good to speak to you. Don't thank us, it was a real pleasure. Nikki is good at that sort of thing.

It was actually Luke's idea, so for once we have him to thank (sorry Luke). He called me last night... well technically I suppose it was this morning. We picked him up on the way down and met Sean at the hospital. 

Tell Taz not to worry about being sociable.... we were there to see you, not him... haha, only joking. He was sociable enough, under the circumstances. I will never forget his smile when we walked in. Or was it a shocked grimace? No, I know it was a smile. I know exactly what you mean about him being like sunshine, that is exactly what it felt like to me when he smiled, like the sun coming out.

I am glad things are starting to look more promising and I think moving the trip forward is a great idea, I only wish Nikki and I could come with you but no chance of that I'm afraid... we're both flat broke.

Keep positive, we're all thinking of you.

Reply by Mintos: July 2 2008: 00.15

I felt bad. I kept thinking about what Sean said... that I only think of myself. I suppose I do but it's only because no one else ever has. It was beautiful to see the two of you at The Gathering, how much into each other you were. And it was so clear that Taz is a wonderful person. He helped me so much over Jay. It was like a gut blow to find out that he was sick and I reacted badly. Thanks to Sean I felt really bad about it and I knew there was nothing I could say to make it up so I thought there had to be something I could DO. 

Anyways... it was great to see you even if... you know. Hopefully we can make it down again next weekend. Maybe Taz will be home by then and we can invade you there. Although I have to admit that there were some cute nurses at the hospital. And no, Sean, I can't keep my mind up there for too long... it hurts.

Reply by AngelEyes: July 2 2008: 00.23

You're forgiven.

JOE'S BLOG: JULY 2 2008: 10.20

Hey guys. It's me, Taz. Joe left me the laptop so I thought I would take a minute to say my own thank you for yesterday. I know I was a bit off planet but I really did appreciate the visit.

While I remember... when are you going to wake up and smell the coffee Luke? Are you really so blind? I know you have just come out of a bad relationship but don't miss out on something good, something that's right in front of your face because you're too scared to see it.

Feeling like shit today but I'm told that's normal with the drugs they're pushing on me so trying not to let it get me down too much. The worst thing is that they won't let me get out of bed because of all the wires and such. I am bored and stiff and sore and fed up. 

It feels lonely here without Joe but I think it will do him good to go to work, be normal for a couple of hours. He's looking so tired. I feel bad about that but there's not much I can do about it. I'm really trying hard to get better as quickly as I can so that we can go home and I can make sure he gets some rest.

I've been trawling through some travel sites but I'm bored with that now. Actually I'm quite tired so I think I'll try and get some sleep... have to look my best when my man comes calling.

Thanks again for thinking of us. 

JOE'S BLOG: JULY 2 2008: 13.13

Hi, it's me again. Joe's got caught in work and I am bored, bored, bored. Feeling better but that just makes the frustration more acute. 

Actually I am engaging in illicit activity. I have been told not to use wi fi in here as it interferes with the medical equipment. I mean, come on... techie here. I tried to explain that it's rubbish. I even looked it up on the internet but.... just between you and me I found that some GPRS and RNID signals do interfere so I resorted to lies. 

Most of the nurses are completely untechnical so I just tell them that the dongle is a memory stick and I'm writing a novel. I've made up characters and everything. That's the thing about lies isn't it? They keep having to get more and more involved to stay believable. Ah well, if nothing else this experience is teaching me to be a better liar.

I have been doing some 'epic trip' research. I have found some amazing places and I have posted some pictures on the forum. Take a look and just imagine me and Joe in our shorts on that beach looking out over the sea. I would like to say we will be thinking of you but somehow I doubt it. More likely we will be thinking of getting off the beach and into our hotel room for more sweet, sweet loving.

Thanks for the heads up about Bali. It's amazing... as you will see from the fact that most of the photos are from there. I have been looking up the language and Balinese is really beautiful. Guess I have no chance of persuading Joe to learn any.... which is okay... looks like I will be having plenty of time to learn enough for both of us.

Thinking of splitting the trip in two.... one half for sheer beauty... in which Bali is winning hands down... and one half for adventure/mind broadening. I have always wanted to go to Rome... see the Coliseum and baths. I fancy a bit of Renaissance investigation in Italy too... can just see me and Joe on a gondola.

I'm rambling now... all excited, lit up like a candle. The nurse is going to be complaining about my blood pressure rising, so I had better take a break. Come to think of it I'm tired now, really tired. 

Take care of Joe.

Reply by Minuteman: July 2 2008: 15.30

What a nice surprise. Glad to see you're feeling better. The pictures are amazing. I can just see the two of you in your shorts with a glass of wine in your hands, all tanned and buff, looking out at the sunset. Lucky buggers. We'll be lucky to get away for a weekend this year. You'll just have to have enough fun for all of us and post every day so that we can live vicariously through you.

Reply by StudMuffin: July 2 2008: 17.50

Not just the views eh... we want a blow by blow.... literally.

Reply by Mintos: July 2 2008: 19.43

What do you mean?

Reply by Minuteman: July 2 2008: 20.49

Ask Sean.

Reply by Mintos: July 2 2008: 21.00

Ask Sean what

Reply by AngelEyes: July 2 2008: 21.20

Ask me what?

JOES'S BLOG: JULY 3 2008: 23.49

Thanks for the calls. Sorry I haven't answered. I'm just... I feel.... Yeah.

Reply by Miuteman: July 3 2008: 23.55

No worries. Just... take care of yourself, yeah?

Reply by AngelEyes: July 4 2008: 00.12

We're here mate.

JOE'S BLOG: JULY 15 2008: 15.30

I'm sorry I haven't been around. I wanted to... I know I should have... but... well, it's taken me a long time to even be able to bear to sit at a computer again. Every time I look at a screen I feel him looking over my shoulder.

It was such a shock. He was so cheerful when I left him that morning. I gave him the laptop and told him that he really wasn't supposed to be using the wifi and he looked like a naughty schoolboy. He rang me at lunchtime (yeah he smuggled in his mobile too) and he was so full of the holiday. He wanted me to learn bloody Balinese would you believe? Well, yeah you would... you've seen the posts.

I've only just read them... I couldn't.... Oh God! Why? Why did this happen? Why, when he was getting better, when he was so full of life, so happy, so excited... why did he have to...?

I got a call at about half past one, less than half an hour after I spoke to him. They said... they said that... that Taz had taken a turn for the worse and I should get there as soon as I could. And I tried... I really tried. I dropped everything and just ran. I broke every speed limit and it's a miracle I made it alive. But I was too late. I tried so hard but I was too late.

They said his heart failed... just stopped. Maybe it was all the excitement. They said that it was very sudden and quick, that he probably didn't even know it was happening. They said they did everything they could... and I'm sure they did. But I wasn't there. He died all alone when I wasn't there.




Curve Balls



I want to thank you all for coming to the service. I really appreciate it, and I'm sure that Taz would have too. Having read his posts I know that he would have been really happy to see you two together at last Sean and Luke. He had a knack of knowing when people are right for each other.

I couldn't believe how many people were there. I didn't know Taz had so many friends. Siani looked beautiful and Josh... I'm so glad she let him be there. It must have been hard for him but he got to say goodbye to his dad. There were so many flowers, everywhere.... so bright and colourful... just like him. I put the picture of Bali on the coffin because that's where he was going, where his mind was.

I've decided to take the trip... for both of us. I've quit my job and put the house on the market.... I'm leaving it in the hands of agents. I just can't bear to be in it any more. I know we didn't live together for long but the house is so full of him, far more than it ever was of Bobbi. I can't deal with it.... I just... can't....

So I'm staying in a hotel for a couple of days until the final arrangements are made and then I'm off to Bali on Saturday. I feel somehow that I owe it to him, that if I take the trip, somehow he will be there with me, somehow his spirit will be free.

I won't be in touch for a while because I am not taking the laptop with me. It's part of the.... I don't know... the quest I suppose....to do it without technology. I'll let you know how it went when I come back. I hope by then I will be more.... I hope I will be.

Thank you again.

Reply by Minuteman: July 15 2008: 15.45

Take care, my friend. We'll be here when you get back

Reply by AngelEyes: July 15 2008: 21.20

We owe you so much, you and Taz. Luke and I would never have got together without you. It's been breaking my heart so I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Take care. We're waiting for you.

Reply by BobiDazzler: July 15 2008: 23.12

We'll miss you dude. But take your time. Whatever you need to find your way. We're all thinking about you. Take the journey and find your way home.

JOE'S BLOG: FINAL ENTRY: JULY 19 2008: 06.15

I'm on my way. The adventure of a lifetime hey!? See you on the other side.

IN MEMORY OF TARREN MCALISTAIR 

2ND FEBRUARY 1987 – 2ND JULY 2008

There is no way to express how I feel. I miss you is so inadequate. I feel you with me all the time and I know you will be with me every step of the way on this, our last great adventure together.

I have known you such a short time but that was the only time in my life when I was ever truly alive.

I have spoken to Siani and she has told me that I can still be a part of Josh's life so I can take care of him for you. I promise you that. No matter where I go or what I do I will make sure that Josh is okay. Allan is a good man and will be a good father to him but I will make sure that there is always someone who will keep you alive for him, and I will die before I let him be hurt... by anyone... ever.

I will walk on the beach and watch the sun set, just like your sun has set. And I will walk on the beach and watch the sun rise. Your smile has always been the rising of the sun for me and every time I see it I will think of that smile, the one you saved just for me. I would give anything to see that smile again. 

There is so much I can say but there is little that you don't already know so I will just say this: I love you Taz. I will always love you and I will miss you until I take my last breath. When life throws those curve balls at me, with you at my back I will just hit them straight back... right into the heart of the sun... where you are.

Goodnight my love.