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All By Myself

By: leapyearguy



"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." Orson Welles

You can become accustomed to the stark reality of loneliness. You wake each day, no other to placate. There are no expectations to bind your actions. Only chaos rules the day, start to finish the path is ever darker. But still you amble along mindlessly, trusting to luck that you can some day find your way.

At eighteen I had the world by the ass, I had just graduated high school and got a job. I was making more money than my father had ever seen. Full of hope and expectation, I had it made. There was no chance that my life would go sour like my mom and dads'."

I probably should explain that, my parents loved me. But hell times were tough. I had enough to eat, but they had no money for the extras. At the time I resented being the poor kid, I had no idea what poor was yet. My goal was to give my kids a better life, so I guess that's how you repay your own parents for all they had given you. You have to do a little better for your children. Each generation tries for the next rung of the ladder.

On my own, I felt reborn. I bought a brand new car, had my own place and money in my pocket. The world was my oyster, I only had to pry it open and enjoy life. And enjoy I did, life was one giant party in 1965. Girls came and went, there was no way I wanted to be tied down at my age. The triple F rule was how I liked it, find em, fuck em and forget em.

With the simple act of opening a letter, my life changed. A letter of greetings from President Johnson sent my happy little world careening out of orbit. I was ordered to report for armed forces induction. It was a hard kick in the balls by a size 12 combat boot. After eight weeks of BCT (basic combat training) and ten weeks of AIT (advanced infantry training), Spec 4 Brian T. Dinson emerged. 

With two weeks to kill before my escorted tour of beautiful Southeast Asia. My choices were few, stay on the West Coast or return home for two weeks. It would take a good week's travel to return to my hometown and back. While I made my choice, I had my first beer in almost four months.

There was a little cocktail lounge near the bus depot. Ah god, a cold beer in a smelly dark bar. I hadn't felt this good since the last time I got laid. The bar was crowded, I could smell the stale beer mixed with cigarette smoke and sweat. This was a slice of heaven after the last few months. 

A few beers later, the band began to play. It was like any other cover band I'd heard in the past, until the girl began to sing. I twirled on my stool and knew in an instant that I was witness to an event that would remain forever in my mind. The song wasn't important, it was the singer. She was a gem to be polished, pure raw talent. From where I sat, this angel had it all. I'm not sure I took a breath for the next two hours.

She had done a number on my head that's for sure. I can't tell you why I followed her out the door. I wasn't thinking about even trying to talk to her. I just wanted to look, maybe it was the beer. She stepped out the door and I went with her.

Standing in front of the bar watching her walk away into the night, fate stepped in. She disappeared into an alley way. A few seconds passed before I realized she had been pulled into the passage. I didn't hesitate, I was down the block like a shot. A huge man had her by the arm and she was struggling to get free from his grip.

"LET HER GO!" I heard myself yell.

"Get lost boy scout." 

I bet you think I'm going to tell you how I became her knight in shinning armor and vanquished the man with one blow. Nope, He pushed her aside and kicked my ass. The only thing good that came of it was to give her enough time to run. By the time the beating was over she was long gone, and I was lying on the street bleeding. 

Well, it would seem she didn't run away, she ran for help. By the time she returned with the bouncers from the club, he was gone and I was trying to remember the license number of the bus that hit me. The girl helped me to my feet and insisted I come home with her. 

Home was actually her parent's house. Her mother tended to my cuts and bruises at the kitchen table as Cheryl explained to her dad what a brave man I was. Stupid was more like it, I just jumped in with both feet without thinking. When I was patched up, they all insisted that I stay the night. I tried to refuse, but I lost the argument in the end.

I won't bore you with details at this point. Let's just say I decided not to go back home. Cheryl's mom treated me like a son she had never had. Her dad was a little less trusting, he was just trying to protect his daughter and I respected that. I didn't think of her like the other girls I'd been with, she was special and deserved more. Once her father and I had talked about my intention toward Cheryl, I promised him that no matter what else I did in my life, I would never hurt her.

Cheryl and I got to know each other over the next two weeks. I was falling in love, and that bothered me. My mortality was in question for the first time. I knew I was going to war and the thought of dying had never entered my head until now. Did I have something to return to? Hell, would I return? Men were dying in Viet Nam every day. I was scared to go now, two weeks ago it didn't even occur to me. Shit, two years ago I had never even heard of the place.

When it came time to go, Cheryl was crying. Goddamn it, this had become so difficult. Her mom was holding my arm, trying to smile with tears running down her cheek. Her dad shook my hand and told me to be careful over there. Cheryl gave me a picture and kissed me before she said, "You come home to me, I love you.".

I managed to keep a stiff upper lip until the plane was off the ground. Then I cried like a baby. How did I get so involved in so short a time. I thought of little else the whole flight, but I would not think past tomorrow. It's hard to plan for a future that is so unsure, I wanted Cheryl but would I end up causing her pain.

Viet fucking Nam, it's hot and humid. There is no where to run from it. Like boot camp, you try to listen to the thing s that might save your ass. It's a day to day world over there don't try to plan for anything, just take it as it comes. Keep your head down, dry socks, shut the fuck up and listen, I heard these words ten times a day. 

Cheryl wrote often, she had plans to marry me when I got back to the world. It scared the shit out of me, every day I worried more and more that I would end up breaking my promise to her father. Days turned into months and the feeling never left me. It ate at me from the center of my being. I would get someone killed acting like this.

It happened, my buddy James was right next to me when the round hit him in the chest. All I could think of was "keep your fuckin head down." , I hit the trail hard. I should have went to James and pulled him from danger. I didn't, I couldn't get the picture of Cheryl crying out of my head. James didn't make it, I don't know if I could have helped him but I should have tried. 

I wasn't helping anyone like this. I felt like a coward, my head was so fucked up that I couldn't sleep. James was dead, was it my fault? And Cheryl, what right did I have to keep her from leading a real life instead of one based on hopes and dreams. I had to let her go, it wasn't going to be easy.

Letter to Cheryl---

My Darling Cher

I think of you constantly. I want you to know how much I care for you. Writing this letter is the hardest thing I have ever done. Please understand, you must carry on with your life. 

Cheryl you are a special woman, you have so much to give to somebody that is there for you. Please Baby, Find somebody to love you and move on. 

Things have happened over here that I can't explain to you. But you must believe me that it is better if you forget me. I will always cherish the short time we spent together. 

I won't drag this on. Please don't try to write back, it will only make it harder on us both of us. Say hi to your mom and dad for me and thank them for everything.

Love always Brian

Things didn't improve much for a while. Cheryl kept writing, she pressured me to know why. I didn't return her letters, it would never end if I wrote back. She had to except reality and let me go. I had seen so much over here that I didn't think I was the same any more. War can change a man into something nobody recognizes. The shear brutality will harden even the most caring soul.

I was surviving, the killing continued but I was lucky. I was getting short, only thirty nine day left in my tour. I thought about home less each day. Cheryl's letters had finally stopped and given me a little peace. The days moved at a snails pace but the war was escalating. Guys came and went, new replaced the worn out and broken, like parts of a huge machine. Some returned home in bags to the homes and loved ones they had left.

Day fifteen, my last patrol, it was going to be a long day. A little after noon we took a break. The first sign that we were in trouble never came. It all happened out of the clear blue sky, we took heavy fire from three sides. There was no place to run, so we would have to fight our way out. When the shit finally cleared, we had ten standing. There were forty two when the firefight began.

I unfortunately was not among them. I had been hit four times, twice in the chest, once in the thigh and another in the foot. When the morphine took hold I felt like I was watching the whole scene as a spectator. They got me to a medevac chopper and the medic was pounding on my chest, "Don't you fuckin' die on me, man." That's the last I remember of that day. 

Some nine months later I was released from the hospital and the Army. Every day I thought of Cheryl. Every day I thought of James. Every day I thought of those faces in my gun-sights. There was no relief from my thoughts that were haunting me from sunup to sundown. The pressure of reality had taken charge when the Army let go. 

I returned home for a while to see my folks. While they were happy to see me again, I could feel the trepidation. We all walked on eggshells around each other. I knew things were different but how did they know it? I saw my friends from time to time but they had changed too. I found it hard to relate to them now, it just wasn't the same.

As I packed my duffel to leave, I came across the picture Cheryl had given me the last time I saw her. Staring at the worn photograph, I knew what was wrong with everybody. It was me, I wasn't Brian any more, I was a stranger in his body. Brian had left here two years ago as a nineteen-year old boy ready to conquer the world. I was merely a mutant amalgamation of his memories and past. 

For two more years I ran from Brian, afraid to let another living soul see him for what he truly was. Town to town, one bar to the next, but Brian was smarter than I. He always caught up sooner or later. It was time to make peace with him but I didn't know how. Brian was still young and full of dreams, while inside I had aged beyond all reason.

I started the healing process, by revisiting my emotional wounds. I entered college to give my life purpose. I needed order and structure and a reason to rise in the morning. I would spend my free time at the veteran's hospital. These young men needed my help as much as I needed theirs.

As the days slipped by the faces of the men I had killed became anonymous more of a blurry image than a face. James visited regularly, but we talked about the good times we'd had. I no longer saw him lying dead on the road. Cheryl remained with me always, the hurt that I had caused her never went away.

Brian had taken a long time to return from his exile. The time away had allowed me to come to terms with the callous veneer. The wounded soldiers gave me more support emotionally than they would know. 

The end of my formal education completed my self-imposed eviction from the human race. It had been a long and lonely road to follow, I had needed the hospital to remind me where I had been and the university to keep me focused on where I was headed. I would use my knowledge and compassion to the help the wounded veterans back into society. 

I had faced all of my demons except one. It would be the hardest by far, even harder than the letter to Cheryl. I owed it to her to explain why I had flushed our relationship. She had every right to hate me now, but I prayed that would not happen. I still thought of her every day. We had only been with each other for a short time, where would I start, and how do you apologize after eight years? The old Brian would have run away, but this was mine to do.

George is Cheryl's dad. I had promised him I would never hurt her. He had to understand that I tried my best to do the right thing at the time. Hopefully he would lead me to see Cher so I could talk to her. I called him at his office, if he chose to tell me off it may be less embarrassing for both of us if his wife, Ellen, wasn't there.

"Brian, my god, is it really you?" 

"Yes, it's so good to hear your voice again, Sir."

"Goddamn Son, we thought you were dead. What happened...were you... why didn't..."

I cut him off and told him all the details. It took a long time and I was pretty emotional.

"Brian, if you want my opinion. I'd have to say you really fucked up, what you did to Cheryl was wrong. Son, I understand what you were thinking, but you should have trusted her. She's a much stronger woman than you gave her credit for. She loved you boy, and you broke her heart."

"George, that is exactly why I pushed her away. I did it for her."

"No, you didn't. you did it for you. It was a selfish cowardly thing to do. You told me you learned a lot about life in the past few years. You learned to serve yourself, you learned absolutely nothing about the love of a good woman. Admit it boy, you bailed out."

George had told me the truth I had never seen. He gave it to me with both barrels. He was so on target I was at a loss for words. 

"George, I'm so sorry. Where the hell did you get so smart? I tried for years to learn what you told me in ten seconds."

"Brian, a good woman taught me that."

"Ellen?"

"Yep, and if you don't fuck it up again you might still have a chance."

"You mean... she's not married?"

"No Brian, she became a doctor. She says she hasn't had time for men."

I had never even hoped to find Cher available. Damn, this shook me to the core. I resolved myself to see her as soon as possible. However it turned out, I had to talk to her. I owed it to her, but I was still having doubts about how I could approach her. 


I had an appointment the next morning before I was to fly out to see Cher. Davy was a twenty five-year-old Marine sergeant that had lost his leg when he stepped on a land mine. He'd been awarded medals for bravery during his two tours in country. I wasn't really sure why they had assigned him to me, Davy seemed to take everything in stride. He had started taking classes at the university and was having no apparent problems adjusting to his handicap.

Davy and I had a different relationship than most of the vets that I saw. For the most part, they were all angry. Angry for the position they were forced into, being disabled for reasons they couldn't explain. Fighting a war they weren't allowed to win, for a country that wasn't grateful for their sacrifice. It was my job to help them move on, they had been given a big shit sandwich, and I had to help them learn to eat it.

I think Davy had been raised to accept life as it came, never looking to the past. I had none of the usual problems with him. He never asked why things had turned out the way they were, he just wanted to know what was next. We were more like buddies than anything. The truth is, he kept scheduling his appointments just to talk. 

"Hey man, I didn't think you'd make it today. I figured they'd try to pawn me off on some other looser."

"Nah Davy, you're stuck with me today."

"So, you still cryin over that chick? A... what's her name a... Cheryl, right?"

"Yeah, well maybe not for to much longer. I'm going to see her later today. I fly out in three hours."

"Look Bri, that's why I came to talk today. I know what you're going through. When you told me about all that shit that went down with you two, well, you gotta let go of that lone ranger crap."

"That's easy for you to say."

"Hey fuck you Bri, you think you're the only grunt that got fucked up over there? You should realize it better than anyone, you see this shit everyday. The only difference between you and me is that I left my leg over there and you left your fuckin' head."

"Davy, I'm scared to talk to her. What if she won't listen to me? If I could take it back, oh god I wish I could take it back. Davy, I spent all those years trying to get to this point. What if she tells me to fuck off?"

"Look you asshole, there are no guarantees. If you don't want to see her, then don't. But quit whining about it. Take my advice Bri, get it over with and start living your life. It's about time you wised up about yourself."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Just how long do you think you would have survived in the bush without your brothers? Everybody needs help Bri, they just don't want to admit it. Ask her, tell her what you feel. Fuck man, just tell her how much you love her. Quit living in the past, its over. Let her in and quit pushing her away."

"Davy, why do you still come to see me? You obviously don't need my help."

"Hey, I'm trying to get your job. I hear it pays pretty good."

"I'll tell you this, they won't ever pay you what you're worth. You are ten times better at this than me."

"Bri, I figure it has to pay better than sittin' in a mud hole with bullets flying over my head." 

"Get out of here jarhead, I've got a plane to catch."

"Semper fi." He said, as he flipped me the bird walking out the door.

On the six-hour flight, I thought about all that George and Davy had tried to tell me. I had fucked up terribly, the way I had treated Cher. And I realized I had never left the jungle behind me, I had just gotten used to it. In fact in some ways more of me was still there than here.

It was late evening as I took a cab to the hospital where Cher worked. I soon found where she would be and rode the elevator to the third floor. There she was, leaning over the nurse's station talking to one of the duty nurses.

She turned to see who was getting off the elevator at this time of night. If she recognized me she didn't show it. I walk up to her trying to keep my emotions in check. SMACK! I hadn't been hit like that since the day I tried to cop a feel from one of my high school teachers. She slapped me, this was sure not the reception I had anticipated. 

"You goddamned asshole!"

All I could do is stare at her, she was a younger version of her mother and an older version of the girl I had left so many years ago. My ears were still ringing from the slap, but I had no problem taking in her beauty. Her words soon brought me back into the now.

"You took your sweet time coming home to me, Brian. I was beginning to think you didn't love me any more. I want you to know that I would have only given you another ten or fifteen years before I would have started looking for a new man." She said as she took me in her arms and hugged me. 

"Cher, oh god how I love you, I have so much to explain. I'm so so..." she held her finger to my lips.

"We have the rest of our lives for that. Just shut up and kiss me, I've been waiting so long for this."

We kissed with the passion only true love can bring. I don't know I fully ever explained to her my actions or reasons. It just wasn't that important any more. Now after thirty years of marriage, she still kisses me with the same intensity and these days she sings only for me. With every passing day I love Cheryl more than the last but not nearly as much as the next.


All By Myself



Michelle wiped away her tears as she looked around at the sparse room she'd just moved into. It seemed so empty, with no décor on the walls and none of her beloved plants, which would likely die in the next two weeks, knowing Kyle and his inability to care about anything living. That thought only made her start to cry again, and she sniffed, determined not to be too upset.

After all, it had been her decision to leave. 

But now, thinking of the way her life had been, even in a relationship where she often felt lonely, she at least hadn't been utterly alone. There had been another presence in the house most of the time, and even when Kyle wasn't around, she could still feel the fact that someone else inhabited the place. Here, she had four other roommates renting out various bedrooms in the house, and she was even going to be sharing a bathroom with a girl named Onyx, yet she still felt the absence of anyone around her.

It had been so long since she'd known how to live a solitary existence. She wouldn't classify the eight years she'd spent with Kyle as a textbook romantic relationship, but it certainly hadn't been abusive. And even when he wasn't there for her emotionally, they'd been friendly. Plus, he'd always been available for her physically.

Even as she flopped down on the bed that didn't belong to her, her body quaked from the physical memory of their sex. It had been so great, every time. She could always count on complete fulfillment, incredible satisfaction. His tongue had worked wonders on her, making her pour into his mouth as she groaned and screamed his name.

Of course, even if he hadn't been any good in bed, at least she would have had a regular lay to count on. Today, in her new place, she had no idea when the next bout would come, and the idea of sleeping with a stranger, while adventurous, was also something more dangerous than she was going to consider this fresh out of the gate. Damn, she was going to be alone and horny for awhile.

Trying to distract herself, she flipped on the television and started channel surfing, having been assured she had the full cable network list available to her. She needed to find a movie, something she could get deeply involved in so she wouldn't fall into the hole of self pity.

Or do something stupid like go out looking for sex.

She smiled in satisfaction as she came across Legends of the Fall. Brad Pitt was some of the best therapy she could think of after a breakup. But when it came to the amazing sex scene between him and that crazy woman who couldn't be satisfied until she slept with all three brothers, just the image of Brad's back, his ass, and the intense pleasure on both faces made her ache between her thighs. With an angry punch, she changed the channel.

But after several minutes of flipping from one steamy sex scene to another, only to resort to the likes of Jerry Springer on network television and find stories about strange sexual relationships, she gave up, her rage overwhelming. She shut the infernal device off and grunted, lonely and frustrated. It was so bad she contemplated dialing Kyle and suggesting one last romp in the sack, just to ease the pain in her loins. But that would be the biggest mistake she'd ever made.

And as Michelle realized that the only thing she'd really missed about Kyle was the sex, she smacked herself in the forehead. For eight years, she'd deluded herself into believing she was in love with the boy, when really she'd simply been obsessed and addicted to their physical connection. What a waste of her life!

Sitting up, she reached for her purse. She'd been with Kyle so long she couldn't be sure, but she thought she might still have a single condom stowed away somewhere. Maybe she could talk herself into a one night stand, if it was safe sex. But then, as she pulled out Old Faithful, she read the expiration date, and her confidence deflated. What was the likelihood of a condom that had expired nearly three years earlier breaking?

Too much of a risk.

Reaching for her phone again, Michelle decided that, maybe, if she just played a few card games, she'd calm down, so she pulled up her solitaire app and went to town. She grimaced at all the flashing ads she had to put up with. But that was the hazard of downloading free games, the price you paid. Resigning herself to it, she focused on the game, but as bored and on edge as she was, she was also easily distracted.

So when an ad in the upper right hand corner of her screen showed a woman in lingerie who looked to be in the throes of a wild orgasm, she couldn't help but growl, both jealous and tired of being inundated with this shit. She couldn't ignore it, for what it was worth, so she clicked on the ad. After all, she paid the phone bill, and who did she have to answer to now? She had never been big on porn, but her curiosity was getting the best of her.

Her screen filled with clips, images, all flashing at her. With 'Click Here' the centerpiece, there were girls touching girls, men riding women, and all manner of sexual act in the works. She was so needy, just those made her a little moist, and she couldn't help but touch the wet spot between her thighs, the contact sending a tingling through her body that only served to heighten her desire for satisfaction.

With a morbid sense of self inflicted pain, she hit the center of her screen and waited, verified she was 18 or older – by far – and took a look at the list of options, paying attention to anything that was listed for free. She scrolled and considered several of the clips, but she couldn't stand the idea of watching some girl get taken by a giant dick, didn't care for watching a blow job, and had no interest at all in girl-on-girl.

Ready to give up yet again, she stopped as she noticed one that didn't look too bad. She didn't see a guy in the picture, which at least meant it wasn't going to showcase a monstrous cock. She told herself that, if she hated it, she could always turn it off, and with that self negotiation, she clicked on the link.

The girl's legs were spread so far apart it barely looked humanly possible. And instead of a man, she held a very large dildo, pushing it in and out of herself as she moaned and whimpered. Michelle turned down the volume on the phone, hating the noise but considering the motions. Her own body responded, her clit aching and the walls of her pussy clenching, as if hoping to find something to hold onto. Of course, there was nothing there, and Michelle reached down to push against the mound between her legs in hopes of alleviating the burning ache. She only succeeded in increasing it, however, and she pressed harder against herself, unable to cure the addiction to the pleasant painful desire that roared through her veins.

She wanted so much more.

No longer paying a great deal of attention to the video, except to think about how it would feel to have something up inside her, pressing in all the right spots, she eyed the two duffel bags she'd brought with her, knowing the black one contained her old personal package of 'equipment' that got her through rough times before Kyle came into her life. She still had a wonderful vibrator, though she hadn't touched it in years, and now that she thought about it, that toy had given her some of the best orgasms of her entire life.

No longer satisfied with the feel of her fist pushing against her, she stuck her hand down the front of her pants, but they were so tight she grunted as she tried to maneuver her hand far enough down to touch herself. Frustrated, she hurriedly got up and locked her door, making sure no one could possibly walk in on her by accident, and she unbuttoned and unzipped her jeans, pulling them down so her pussy was completely exposed.

The feel of her hand against the bare skin was a lot more satisfying, and she sighed as she felt the warmth and the moisture that coated her pussy lips. She ran her fingers along them, building a frenzy inside that begged for a release, but she was well aware that the anticipation was half the pleasure. She glanced over at the video on her phone, finding the girl now on her knees, bracing with one hand while she used the other to push the dildo in from behind, and it made her press her knees together, trapping her hand in place against herself.

Michelle rocked her hips up and down, closing her eyes, no longer needing the video now that her body was very much in motion. The sparks were igniting and animating her, even as she spread her legs wide, shoving her jeans down around her ankles so her pussy was wide open. She flattened her palm and slapped her clit gently several times, feeling it swell in response, the sensitive nerve endings responding with vigor at her attention.

Biting her lip, she dipped the tip of one finger into her pussy, coating it and using her own juices to lubricate the cleft as she rolled it around with her index finger. It was a minimal touch, but it got her going, and she wiggled beneath her own ministrations to gain greater effect. Again, she eyed the bag, thinking about the vibrator she could get out, but she still hesitated, not wanting to stop her current work to retrieve it.

Rubbing her entire mound roughly, Michelle coated her hand with the wetness, spreading it over her folds, her clit, and around the edges of her pussy. Touching that rim made her throw her head back, and the sensation was so wild, so inviting that she dipped two fingers inside, wiggling them back and forth so she pressed against her g-spot repeatedly, until she quivered with the first small release.

But it wasn't enough, not nearly enough.

She pinched her clit between finger and thumb, tugging at it gently and feeling it burn with need. Again, her head lolled to the side, and she caught a brief glimpse of the girl on her phone bouncing up and down on the dildo, her mouth wide open in a scream of ecstasy. Unable to withstand the invitation, she rushed for the bag, digging around until she found her self pleasure kit and pulled out the vibrator. She turned it on and cursed when nothing happened.

Of course, she could use it as a dildo, but the little claw tickler wouldn't do a damn bit of good for her clit if she did that. So, she bit her tongue and prayed as she opened the back of her remote control that she'd find what she needed. With triumph, she all but cheered, pulling two AA batteries out and replacing the old ones in the vibrator, again praying that nothing inside was damaged.

This time, when she turned it on, it buzzed so hard she had to turn it down a notch to assure nothing would go numb. She lay back on the bed again, running the shaft of the vibrator along the wet lips down below and moaning with the sensation of the vibration against her body. It stimulated and drew more moisture from her, coating the device perfectly for use. She turned it around, pressing the tickler against her clit and had to cover her mouth to keep her cry of elation from ringing out, to keep others from hearing.

It had been far too long.

Rolling to her side, Michelle used one hand to draw her leg up in the air, bending the knee around that arm so that she had her legs spread wide at a very accessible angle. With the other hand, she teased at the opening of her pussy with the head of the vibrator, making herself pant and crave completion. With maddening slowness meant to torture her own sensibilities, she inserted the vibrator, letting the motions of the device cause her walls to clench, to react, and she bit her lip to keep from crying out as several small waves of pleasure rushed through her back to back to back.

She only allowed herself to go in halfway the first time, and she held it there, the vibrations flowing through her, and she let go so her fingers could seek out her clit and circle it with slow, tender motions. Of course, she was going to have to do a lot more than that, much rougher administration of pressure, to get what she really wanted, but for now, the buildup was what she needed.

Grabbing the vibrator, she slid it out, immediately pressing it in again, inch by slow inch. It was larger than Kyle had been, which made for intense pleasure, but it also meant she wasn't stretched to that degree. This time, she went deeper and angled it so the tip came forward, pushing right on that elusive g-spot that sent her nearly spiraling out of control. With quick, short motions, she pushed on the end of the vibrator so the tip thrust against the spot over and over, tossing Michelle over the edge without any kind of mercy.

She went until it became too much, then released the handle, letting it slide out naturally. It came all the way to the tip, and she caught it, this time shoving it in with all her might, several times in a row, rocking her hips as if she was actually screwing it like a real dick. The combination of the movements drove her mad, and she finally pushed the device all the way in, the tickler pressed hard against her clit so she vibrated from head to toe.

She pulled it away, knowing that the sensitivity she had right now, as high as her sex drive was, would cause her to cum far too soon, and she allowed only a few seconds of contact at a time, building upon the tension and tightness in her loins. Squeezing her legs together, Michelle found a rhythm she liked, and she rolled back and forth, onto her stomach, as she rode the vibrator, using only her body to thrust it in and out of her, letting the tickler make contact and then denying herself the satisfaction.

She massaged her breasts, which were full and hard, her nipples thrusting against her shirt as she pinched and rolled them between finger and thumb as she had with her clit. The two body parts seemed to be directly connected by an invisible thread, her attention to her breasts causing similar sensations in her clit, and vice versa every time the tickler returned for further torture. She laid on her back again, using one hand to push the vibrator as deep as it would go so it bumped against her cervix, while she spread her legs wide and used the palm of her other hand to press the tickler tight against her clit, even as she began to rock her hips back and forth.

It made the tip of the vibrator touch places she hadn't known existed inside, places that were about to erupt as the vibrator tormented her and built such a horrible frenzy that she could no longer contain the explosion. She eased off just the slightest bit, wanting desperately to make the sweetness of this last, but her body cried out, begging for the finish line.

With renewed vigor and persistence, she drove the vibrator so deep it crossed that threshold and almost caused her pain, while the tickler finished its work with her clit. And as the end approached from all angles, her whole body seized, convulsing with multiple orgasms that came from every sensation in every part of her pussy. She didn't let go, pushing herself to what almost amounted to utter insanity, as the pleasure mounted, swelling inside and nearly bursting from her hips, her chest, and had she not buried her face in a pillow, her mouth.

She couldn't remember a release so intense, one that connected with every possible point of pleasure on her body, that sent such quakes and violent spasms through her. It took what seemed like hours for the waves to slow and finally stop, and even as they did and she pulled the vibrator out, aftershocks circled through her, causing more juices to pour from her, her nipples to tingle, and her clit to throb.

She gently reached down to touch the tender flesh, and whimpered at the soft, hot mound, her clit completely spent and now so sensitive she could barely stand to touch it at all.

Utterly satisfied, she lay there in the afterglow for a long time, wondering why she'd bothered to stay with Kyle. She could do this so much better all by herself. She'd forgotten how the knowledge of her own body pretty much superseded anything another person could do for her, and now that she'd reminded herself, she knew it would be a long time before she felt the need to crawl into a man's bed again.

Certainly, she wanted to find another relationship eventually, but this time, it wouldn't be an addiction to what the guy could do with his tongue and his cock that made her fall in love. She'd get with him for the right reasons. After all, she had her own means of satisfaction and no need whatsoever to rely on  anyone else. 



All by Myself



I had posted this to an anonymous website before but really want to know what others think of it and had no replies. If you are just looking for the juicy part to get your rocks off to, skip to the second large paragraph...

First off, let me say that I consider myself straight and have never had sex with anyone but women. I'm 28 and very physically fit. I find women extremely attractive and sexy. However, when I stray into the world of internet porn, I tend to like to watch shemales. I'm not sure why and can't remember exactly when that started, but I remember the first time really watching shemale porn I was about 20 and in college. 

At first, it was just something different that I thought was a nice change. But it continued to grow as a turn on. Back then, I would just masturbate my dick but over time I started getting curious about playing with my ass. As a teenager I had often played with it just because I liked how it felt. Never really anything more than my fingers and mostly just on the outside. Occasionally, I would use a small marker but every once in a while I would use the handle to a toilet plunger or a hard banana with some vaseline for lube. 

But after a few years of tranny porn obsession, I decided to take it to another level. This is an account of some of those experiences.

One night in the middle of summer I was feeling extremely horny. My girlfriend at the time was away from our apartment at college. I hadn't been laid in weeks. I got on the computer to find something to jack off to and found myself watching shemale porn, as had become fairly commonplace for me that summer. When I jack off to internet porn, it will usually take me hours before I find that I'm ready to release what by that point is a huge load of cum. 

On this particular evening, I was about 45 minutes in and watching a small breasted, blonde shemale getting handled by two other shemales, one in her ass and one getting her cock sucked by the blonde in the middle. As I was stroking my rock hard cock, I got an idea in my head, "What if I rammed something up my ass to be more in tune with the girl in the middle (as well as everyone else I'd watched take it up the ass that night)?" 

I began to scan the apartment for something to serve as a dildo. Unfortunately, I couldn't find if my girlfriend had one, so I looked around some more. I thought of the bananas in the kitchen, but they would be too messy as I remembered to my younger days of playing with my butt. Then I found it: I often went to play pool at a local bar and had a few of my own cue sticks. The fat end of it was rounded and while thinner than my own cock, it would serve well enough to do the job. However, I didn't want to get the dirty side effects on my cue stick, so I brainstormed how to keep it cleaner. I settled on putting a condom over the end; after all, they weren't getting used with the girlfriend away. 

At this point, I thought back to my teenaged years of experimentation and how to best penetrate my ass. I knew in most videos that it was usually done doggie style with two people. My own experience by myself had taught me that would be much harder to keep working the object back and forth. So I laid the stick down on the floor and positioned my body next to it. 

In our bedroom there were sliding mirror doors on our closet that ran from the floor to the ceiling. I had often watched us fuck in them but today would be a whole new experience with the mirror. I had been sure to lay my head to the mirror and then rocked back so my legs came back over my head... positioning my dick less than a foot from my face. 

I have always wanted to be able to suck myself, but it simply is not possible for me. In this position though, I looked up to see myself in the mirror. I saw my ass up in the air, with my still rock hard cock pointing right at my face. 

Now came the moment I had built up to. I squeezed out some lubricant from a bottle we used from time to time and spread it over my asshole, slipping a finger in here and there. After about two minutes of warmup, I reached for the 2.5 feet of cue stick next to me, with the largest end covered about 8 inches down with the condom. I raised it up, positioned it against my anus, and slowly started to push in. It took me several minutes to accept it, with the slight burning pain being replaced by pleasure the further it went in. 

I started to push and pull it in and out, in and out, slow and fast, fast and slow, watching my self sodomy in the mirror the whole time. I was so aroused, I just wanted to blow my load. 

But not so fast. After about 10 minutes of this, I had to change what I was doing, or else risk blowing my load all over my face too soon.

Slowly, I lowered my body down, with the stick still sticking out of my ass. With the length of it, I was able to let the end with the bolt that goes into the other end of the stick rest on the floor. The bolt served as a natural brake in the carpet. 

On all fours, I turned sideways to see myself in the mirror, and started riding down and up on the shaft of the long stick. It felt so good I forgot to keep stroking my cock. In front of my face, I had more tranny porn going, pushing me closer and closer to climax. I was riding faster and deeper than I could have thought possible given my lack of experience, pushing all the way to the edge of where the condom stopped on the shaft. 

I could feel the tip massaging my prostate. With every touch, my prostate nerves demanded more stimulation and I obliged again and again. 

By now I was working my erect meat furiously with my hand, drooling mouthfuls of saliva all over my hand as lubrication. I almost blew it too soon and decided I needed to changed position again.

As I stood up holding the shaft in my ass, I squatted in the mirror, placing the shaft against the floor again. Now I started raising myself up and down, riding the long hard shaft with my erection bouncing up and down as I watched in the mirror. 

After a few minutes, my legs got tired, and I sat back into my chair, slouched to allow my ass to stick out over the chair edge and keep the shaft in my ass. 

With my left hand moving the shaft in and out and my right stroking my cock, I watched as a large, huge cocked tranny bounced on a large dick. I lost control, jerking furiously and blew one of the largest loads of my life all over myself. The first blast hit me in the neck, the second all the way to my left cheek, and the third, fourth, fifth and sixth landing on my chest and stomach. I started smearing my cum all over my six pack abdominal muscles and then let the shaft slowly slide from my ass. I stood up to look in the mirror, seeing a glistening, cum-covered, lean, muscular body. This would become a regular occurrence over the rest of my summer.

Before that summer ended, we moved but she continued to be gone a lot. I was getting more excited about getting in my ass, and more bold as well in terms of objects. I had discovered my favorite thing to use was cucumbers. I could buy large or smaller ones depending on my mood and had come up with an idea from a shemale video of how to jack off more pleasurably than just my hand: by creating a hollow part of the cucumber, warming it, and fucking it. It was with this that I had yet another profoundly vivid memory of enjoyment all by myself.

I was off to a good, normal start watching porn and jacking off when I had another yearning to fill my butt with something big. I had bought two cucumbers for just such an occasion, both were quite large. I turned off the computer and went into the bathroom, using only two candles for light. 

I ran a warm bath and got in, continuing to stroke my cock. By this time in the summer, I had developed quite an appreciation for the taste of my own pre-cum. I would collect it up on my fingers and immediately lick it off whenever I jacked off, regardless of what kind of porn I was watching. 

On this particular day, I had a new idea. I would take the end of a cucumber and wipe the pre-cum onto it, then start sucking on it. I had turned over onto all fours in the tub and placed the pre-cum covered cucumber in front of me, bobbing my head up and down on it as I pretended it was a voluptuous shemale's throbbing cock. 

With my other hand, I was rubbing my eager asshole. The amount of drool being worked up was incredible, it was running all down the nearly 14 inch cucumber. I couldn't wait anymore. I had to get that thing in my ass. It was bigger than anything I had ever taken though and I was somewhat worried I could hurt myself with it. But once I got it started in, I never wanted it out. 

I took out the other cucumber and started sucking on it while I used one hand to work the giant in my ass. After a few minutes, I edged as close as my long legs would allow to the edge so I could work the cucumber as I had the pool cue shaft. Up and down I went, all the while sucking on the other cucumber and stroking my cock. 

Ten minutes later, I was sitting on back in the tub, legs up in the air, ass under water and working the monstrous green cock in and out of my ass while raising the other one in and out of my mouth with my hand as if being mouth fucked. 

Then I broke the smaller one in half and hollowed it out so I could start to work my dick with it. It felt so good having my ass filled while my cock felt like it was buried in a tight, warm asshole. 

Occasionally, I would rotate back to the doggie position. When I did, I would pull the giant cucumber out of my ass and suck on it for a moment or two before violently shoving it back in my butt. 

Finally, I felt I could no longer hold what I knew would be a massive load. I rotated into the legs and cock over my head position. 

I had felt a small amount of cum spill into the hollow cucumber so I took it off, spit a large amount of drool in the cucumber and poured the mixture all into my now gaping asshole. I shoved the big cucumber back in and started jerking my raging hard on as fast as I could. I could feel the moment of my climax approaching and opened my mouth as wide as I could, sticking my pierced tongue out over my chin. Then my cock erupted, spurting cum for at least 15 or 20 seconds in what was probably the most violent orgasm of my life to that point. 

The first place I felt the cum hit was on my chin, the next was in the back of my tongue, then some on my upper lip, more on the middle of my tongue, then I could feel it hit in my right nostril and then sporadically on my neck and chest. I was stunned. I had never had cum in my mouth before. I tried to spit it out, but there was too much. I ended up swallowing a good deal of my load that day, but not all of it.

Over the years, I have done this again several times though not often. It is a truly amazing feeling but one that requires a full afternoon of freedom to conduct.



All By Myself



I had left a part of myself on a dirty little patch of earth seven thousand miles from home. Like so many other young American soldiers, that part of me is better left untouched. For so many years I clung to the memory that haunted my dreams. It took friendship and love to unleash the chains and allow me to realize it was time to forgive myself and forget the heartache I had witnessed. I am one of the truly fortunate, some have not yet found the key to be free of their self imposed torture. But as for me, I no longer walk alone.

Thank you all for reading my story. Please take a moment to remember what the young men of our country have sacrificed for you and me. Many will continue that sacrifice until they have taken their last breath. LYG