4 comments/ 37277 views/ 10 favorites Not Bible Camp Ch. 01 By: diggypop Copyright 2010 By Donald R. Barber aka Diggypop. Notice: This story is set at what the protagonist initially believes is a fundamentalist/evangelical Bible Camp and contains many religious references and themes. If you dislike mixing religious themes with sexual ones please do not read. This story is not meant to convey any particular message about any particular religion, but major themes are the impact of religious repression, and how a submissive attitude towards authority can lead to unethical manipulations. So reader beware! June 10 I'm not too sure what to write here. I've never kept a diary before. I always thought they were for girls, but Counselor Jeremy says we all need to keep track of our spiritual progress. Just because our names are written in the Book of Life doesn't mean Jesus is our secretary. Counselor Jeremy said that. I liked it so I wrote it down. He said it's OK to write down stuff other people say as long as I give them the credit and don't do it too much. This is about my journey, he said, not the signs I read on the road. (Darn it! He just says all these great things. I guess I'm kind of envious.) I guess I should really start with where I'm at now. Gotta start somewhere. My name is Chris Stewart and I'm 18. I graduated from high school this May, but the Illinois State Supreme Court said we weren't a real high school so now if I want to go to a regular college I have to take an equivalency test, but I won't hurry about that because for the next couple of years I'll be getting my A. B. S. (Associate in Bible Studies) at William Walker University, which is funded by Mr. Rex Jordan himself. My dad says I should probably get a certificate in welding or something when I'm done, even if I go on to be a preacher like him. When I was five, I remembered him looking at the collection plate and shaking his head, and all he'd say to me was, "God likes to keep me guessing sometimes." I asked Mom and she said back then Dad made more money mowing lawns than saving souls, but it never hurts having Reverend on your resume. Anyway, this my first day at Bible Camp, and it still feels weird to think of it. At my age, I assumed I'd be a counselor if I went to any camp at all, not a camper. But this place is specifically for young adults (and 'Adult' means 18), young Christian adults who want to forge a faith of steel in the fires of discipline, which I should mention is on the camp brochure.. I just remembered I can't take credit if someone else said it. If I'd had to pay for it, or if Dad had, I wouldn't be here. But I was given a scholarship by an anonymous donor, which they made sure to let me know soon as they contacted me, so I'd know it was OK. Heck, with them taking care of my meals all summer, it'll help out around the house, too. Some folks are too proud to take charity, but Dad always says helping hands ought to be encouraged, and I you can forgive your enemies, you ought to be able to take a gift from a friend. But there I go, using my dads words. Course I'm also getting a scholarship to college, same as everyone that went to my high school, Sunday High, which was named after Billy Sunday, also they wanted parents to think it was like sending their kids to Sunday school during the week. Anyhow, they heard the state was 'discrediting' us, so they offered the scholarships to express solidarity. They also suggested a donation, but Dad said that could wait till I was an alumnus, and that degree had earned me some money. Dad seems like he's not that happy I'm not following in his footsteps, but he's afraid to say so. Mom told me on the side that being a pastor kept us from being homeless and kept Dad out of jail, but it never was gonna make him famous or even successful, so he just gets kind of sick of it after a while. I'd never dishonor Dad by saying this to his face or in public, but I don't think his faith is what it ought to be. That's why the Bible Camp offer appealed to me. I want to really bolster up my faith, maybe even get enough for me and Dad. Except I don't know if you can store up faith for someone else, or if it's even OK to want to do that. I guess I need to remember to ask a counselor when I get a chance. So I guess I'm not sure just where I am, spiritually. I mean, I believe in the Bible and everything, but I don't know what God wants me to do with my life. My Dad's advice is pretty practical, but he says if God doesn't tell me directly, it's not for him to say what God wants. I hate to tell him, but that's what people go to pastors for. I guess I'll write again tomorrow. I hope I'm doing this right. June 11 I guess I need some practice on this whole diary thing. I just realized yesterday's first entry didn't have word one about what happened to me yesterday. It's kind of funny how the words just seem to come out, and then they go all over the place. Well, from now on I'll make sure to put in stuff that happened that day. (We write these just before we go to bed, so nothing worth writing down is likely to happen until we wake up in the morning.) So. Today we got up at 6, which seemed early to some people here; their families must not have had cows or chickens growing up. That's one advantage to preaching to farmers; if they don't feel like giving you money, you get livestock. This place has running water, but to keep expenses low, we all take a dip in the lake before breakfast. It's a pretty good-sized lake, so the guys and the girls just go in far enough from each other so we aren't looking at each other with lust. It's weird, cause it's still obvious we're naked; it's not like we're invisible to each other. But Counselor Jeremy says if we get worked up by girls when they're a half-mile away, naked or clothed, we got troubles a privacy curtain can't fix. One rule they gave us right off the bat is no masturbation. They said there were reasons for it they'll explain as we go, and they aren't saying it's a sin, but we need to find out what our bodies will do if we aren't playing tricks on them, and to talk to a counselor if we think we can't go another minute without taking matters into our own hands. A lot of us laughed at that one, which made Counselor Spears grin, which is good cause I hate it when people don't know what they said was funny. So after breakfast (which was pretty good even though I heard a couple people griping they didn't have a special meal for vegetarians) we met for the Morning Thought, which was more like a mini-sermon, but it was supposed to guide our Morning Meditation later on. This first one was about Adam and Eve, which makes sense. And Counselor Steele asked us to imagine what it would be like to live in the Garden of Eden. To imagine ourselves completely naked but completely comfortable, and have every need and want be satisfied by something just within reach. Then imagine how the serpent got them to want things they never even heard of, and said they could get it if they ate a fruit. He said, Don't just imagine it, feel it in your body, which got a lot of puzzled looks. We each go off by ourselves for Morning Meditation, and I sat under a big oak tree and tried to feel what it was like. I figure it's kind of like being a kid in the summertime but otherwise I didn't feel anything special. Then I had a crazy thought that if I took off my clothes I'd know, sort of. But the bark was rough and there were bugs and if somebody walked by how could I explain myself? So I didn't get naked and I'm still not sure how it felt to be Adam and Eve. We then split up into activity teams, and when they say activity they don't mean sports. For four and a half hours we do something productive. It has to be with our hands, although we have at least one disabled camper who doesn't have hands, but I'm sure they'll find something for him to do. My group did gardening. Luckily they have a pretty good garden, so my job (weeding) was pretty easy. There were a few weeds, but I spent more time looking for them than pulling them. Other people had to check for pests, or blight, make sure the soil has enough moisture, and even dig at the soil to prepare it for seeds. I didn't know anyone planted this time of year, but I guess I don't know enough about gardening. Maybe I should have paid more attention when Mom talked about it. Anyway, four hours isn't so bad, just a half a days work really, but it was hot today, so I was glad we had a rest period afterwards. Then we had recreation time. That sounds like it ought to be fun and I guess it was but it was more effort than I expected. According to Counselor Jameson, the most important part of recreation is 'creation.' That means God wants us to be creative in the ways we share him with others. If we have a specific gift for music or poetry or even sports, if we don't nurture it, it's like we're spitting in God's face. And that goes for anything we're good at. So this week my group gets storytelling. We each had to come up with an idea for a story. My first one wasn't that original, I guess. I decided my story would be about a teenager whose friend offers him drugs. Counselor Jameson said I could do better, and asked me to think of something that would take ninety minutes to an hour to tell, and something that didn't read like an after-school special. So I remembered something that happened with one of my dad's parishioners. His son Roy went into the army, and everyone was real proud. But he came back from Iraq, and he wasn't hurt or anything, but he'd really changed. I guess he wasn't such a good Christian before he left, but he acted like one, as far as anyone could tell. When he got back, he swore a lot, and he was always going out to bars, and he got his girlfriend, Cindy, to move in with him but not get married. And so Roy's dad wouldn't talk to him, and Cindy's parents wouldn't talk to her, and one Sunday Cindy and Roy showed up at church in jeans and t-shirts, and their parents didn't say anything during the service but afterwards they yelled at them and told them church was for Christians and to get out. Well, my dad had a talk with all of them after asking everyone to leave (including me and Mom) and he wouldn't tell me what was said just that it was real sad and he wished the Bible had more about how to be a good parent. Anyway, I shortened it to: "A son comes back from war changed, and his parents don't know how to deal with it." She said it's been done before but that doesn't mean I can't work with it, especially once I admitted it was based on a true story, and that I knew the people, sort of. She gave me a packet that she said would help me flesh out my idea into a plot outline. She said she wasn't making any promises and didn't want to get anyone's hopes up, but we should all work on it the way we'd want it done if it were gonna be a real film. So I worked on it. I had to write two endings, though, cause what really happened is a sad ending, and I don't know if Christians should write sad endings. Plus if I end with Dad saying the Bible doesn't teach you how to be a parent, well, there's lots in Proverbs about it. You instruct your children in righteousness, and they turn out OK. I don't know where the McCourts went wrong, but you can't blame the Bible for it. So I also wrote a happy ending where my dad came up with bible verses that convinced the kids to repent and their parents to take them back and it ends up with them getting married by my dad. I almost want to tear up the sad ending and not show it to the counselor, but I would feel like I was cheating, so I won't do it. It's perfectly all right if we want to work on our projects with others, but I decided to work by myself, at least at first. I do want to meet some of my fellow campers, especially the females. It's dawned on me that God might use this opportunity to introduce me to my future bride. I just hope I'm not expected to walk up to someone I don't even know and introduce myself. I'm terrible at that. Well, anyway, that was my day, even if it doesn't feel like anything spiritual happened. And I can tell already how much I'm going to miss masturbation. I never looked at any porno or anything like that; it's just easier to fall asleep. And I'm kind of worried I'll start having sexy dreams. Oh well, if it gets too crazy, I hope the counselors can help. June 12 I guess I'm feeling a little bit cocky now. Counselor Jameson told me I should get ready to write my story up as a full screenplay! She doesn't want the happy ending either. She says part of Christian faith is believing God can make things right even when we can't see how it's possible. She says inventing a happy ending would be like second-guessing God, and writing one that's unbelievable would just make unbelievers laugh, which wouldn't hurt us any (I didn't contradict her; maybe that's a fib) but would hurt them plenty, cause then they'd think Christians believe silly things, which isn't true. We just believe nothing is impossible with God, which isn't a bit silly. Counselor Jameson is really pretty, with blonde hair and blue eyes. She reminds me a little bit of that actress who played Jeannie, on I Dream of Jeannie. She's got a really cute figure, with long legs that look really good in shorts. But I know better than to think she's going to be my girlfriend or my wife. She told me she's 23, which I know is too old for me. But I really like it when she tells me things like how much she likes my ideas (well, just one idea so far) and how she thinks I can be a really good writer if I work at it. I'm not stupid; I know it's her job to be encouraging. I just like how good she is at it. Plus Counselor Jeremy said every guy gets a crush on her, and she's used to it. He says we just all need to keep in mind that we're here for the Lord, and if we can't behave ourselves with one beautiful woman, we're in trouble, because there's a world full of beautiful women out there, but only a few have enough love in their hearts to help us out the way she does, so let's treasure her. I hope I wasn't the only guy who got that speech. I can't help looking at someone who's so pretty, but I should probably watch myself anyway. So far, though, she hasn't acted the least bit uncomfortable around me. Our morning meditation was on Cain and Abel. Counselor Steele said we need to imagine things from Cain's point of view. Specifically we should imagine how we feel when someone else gets approval and we don't. If it makes us hurt or angry; would it be enough to make us hit someone; could we kill someone? Counselor Steele is a tall, black man who talks like a teacher. I expected him to sound more like a black preacher, but I was surprised. He doesn't try to stir people up or get them to say, "Amen!" He just lays out what he wants us to do real matter-of-fact. He said people that never felt disapproved should try to feel what it's like anyway. He said if they can't manage it, he'll be disappointed, and THEN maybe they'll know what it's like. We all laughed, but he said just remember some jokes are true, and we should all really try, and he hoped nobody thought they'd be happier being somewhere else, doing something else, cause that's why this camp only has adults, so nobody's parents chose it for them. I thought about it and (this is embarrassing) I can imagine crying about it, and even cussing someone out or getting in a fight, but I don't think it would make me kill someone. My dad said since the Old Testament days God doesn't ask us to kill, and I hope that's true, cause I don't think I have it in me, but maybe if God wants you to do it he puts it in you. It's a little harder to make friends here than I thought it would be. They haven't done any of those things where you go around and introduce yourselves. The counselors are real friendly, but it seems like every 'group' activity I've been in they've given me something to do, and it's been easier to focus on whatever it is than to try to meet people I don't know. It's probably just early days yet but I think I'll ask Counselor Jeremy. I'll also tell him how antsy I'm getting; I must've laid awake for a couple of hours last night, but I don't know for sure cause we don't get watches and they only announce the time from when we get up in the morning to lights out. Even if I can't masturbate maybe they'll let me go for a walk in the woods or work some more on my story -- I don't know how long it takes to write a screenplay but I'm sure every hour helps. Well, I hope tomorrow is a good day. I'm definitely having a good time here; being out in the woods all summer seems to take a lot of the worries away. I just hope I start making friends, especially girls. June 13 Well, I met one person. Her name is Jill. It was during breakfast. She has red hair, freckles, is really small and skinny. I almost can't believe she's 18, cause she's got kind of a high, scratchy voice, and you can't even see her breasts, probably cause she was wearing a baggy shirt but also I bet they aren't very large. She also was wearing a skirt that came down to her calves and was pretty loose, so you can't really see much of her figure at all, even if she has one. She has skinny calves and I caught a glimpse of her knee and it was knobby. I don't know why I keep thinking about the way she looked. She isn't very ugly but she certainly isn't beautiful like Counselor Jameson. And she dresses -- well, she says she dresses modestly. I think shorts and a t-shirt are plenty modest but I'm not her. Anyhow, I met her mainly because I wasn't minding my own business, but I don't think she minded. She was asking this really dark-skinned girl, Kendra, if she was Catholic. (This was at breakfast. Jill was next to me, and Kendra was sitting across from me.) She'd noticed that Kendra was wearing a crucifix, which is what Catholics wear. Kendra said she was Pentecostal, but that she wore the crucifix because it reminded her of Jesus's death on the cross, unlike the cross all by itself. She said she'd heard a cross without Jesus wasn't anything but a 'T,' and she didn't worship Mr. T. Jill seemed OK with that, and she went back to eating her breakfast. But I was curious. So I asked her what the deal was with Catholics. (You should have heard the way she asked this girl if she was Catholic. A "yes" would have ticked her off, I could tell.) She said she didn't think she could stand to be at a camp where they let Catholics in. She was told there'd only be real Christians here, and she was already overlooking that almost everybody here worshiped on Sundays. So I asked her if she was Seventh-Day Adventist, and she said, "Yes," like she was proud, and so I asked her what the problem was with Catholics. So she told me they worship Mary, and the Pope, which I'd already heard before, but she said also it was their fault people don't observe the Lord's Day like it says in the Ten Commandments. I kind of dawned on me then how much I didn't know about all the other campers. What if there were Catholics? I guess they're Christians, but if all that stuff about worshiping Mary is true, maybe they aren't. And they say a priest has to forgive your sins, instead of Jesus. So I think there's some problems. I'm sure they wouldn't have Mormons or Jehovah's Witnesses. I saw a broadcast on CBN, and they flat-out said they don't think Jesus is God. Plus they have a different Bible. But nobody ever told me if Seventh-Day is OK. Going to church on Saturday sure SEEMS wrong, but I guess I should check the Bible. At least Jill seems real eager to talk to me about all that stuff. Maybe we can help each other with our projects; it seems like the only real free time we have to talk with each other, except for meals. Oh, and our meditation was on the story of Lot. We got the PG version in Sunday School, it turns out. Turns out the townspeople wanted to rape the angels (which is why 'sodomy' means gay sex) but Lot tried to offer them his own daughters. Then, after they'd escaped the city, Lot's daughters got him drunk and raped him. Not Bible Camp Ch. 02 Copyright 2010 by Donald R. Barber aka diggypop. As before this story combines a religious atmosphere with sexual tension and any statements made by any characters do not necessarily represent my views or even their own, if they have something to hide, and many of them do. Read at your own risk. ***** June 15 Well, I still don't know how I feel about things so I'm just going to write down what happened today from the first to the last and let it all sort itself out. I don't know if that'll actually work but patience is a virtue so maybe if we all waited for things to sort themselves out more we wouldn't get into fights and wars as much as we do. Not that I need to fight anybody. Anyway, I don't know what that stuff Counselor Jameson (seems weird to call her that and not use her first name after we kissed and all, but Counselor Jeremy says it's good to remind us they're here to teach us) gave me was, but it made me sleep like a baby. I was worried I'd have a wet dream and mess up another pair of briefs, but it wasn't that bad. Still made a couple of spots, but not too bad. Still had some weird dreams though – girls kept walking by me and brushing me with their boobies, or reaching their hands out and touching my pecker. And then there was one where Jill was standing real close, and it was like her smell just filled up my nose (until then, I didn't know you could smell things in dreams) and before I knew what was up I had me a hard-on. And she just looked down, and I guess she saw it, cause she just got this look of disgust on her face and ran like she'd seen the devil. I was all set to run after her but that darn loudspeaker told us it was time to wake up, so I did that instead. For a second I thought Jill was mad at me cause she just grunted at me, and I had to remind myself she couldn't know I dreamt about her. Luckily, we'd both gone to the lake and hadn't sweated so I couldn't smell her yet. But anyway it turned out she was just drowsy. They don't give us coffee and even if they did she says Adventists aren't supposed to have high-caffeine beverages, and she's been having enough trouble sleeping as it is. Well, that brought me up short. I knew girls masturbated but I didn't think Jill did, and I certainly couldn't ask her if that was the cause, so I just tried to be casual and say, Anything keeping you up nights, and she said she wasn't sure, maybe she just wasn't used to being in a cabin with other girls. I almost told her about the sleeping pill they gave me, but I didn't want to get into all of it. Up till now I hadn't considered what would happen to Jill if she asked for help. I'm sure they treat girls different, but what if someone wanted to give her a massage or something to relax her? I got this image in my head of her wrapped in a towel, with some good-looking counselor getting his hands all over her, and I figured I'd just keep my mouth shut. I know it's wrong to not trust Jill to a counselor; we have to trust them to look out for us, and Jill's is sure to do that if she asks. But she can ask for help on her own; plus if I told her what happened with me, she'd get real upset, I can tell. Maybe she'd leave. She probably wouldn't talk to me any more. And I don't want that to happen. I don't want her to be disappointed in me, either. But all I said was I was sorry she wasn't sleeping well and I'd pray for her to get some sleep if she'd like and she smiled at that (in a good way) and said I was considerate, and she hoped we could talk more in the garden, when she was a bit more awake, cause she enjoyed talking to me, cause I was a good listener and didn't laugh at the things she said like the boys at her old school. Then she blushed. Anyhow, the morning meditation was on Tamar, who was the wife of Judah's son, who had to pretend to be a prostitute to get her father to knock her up when her husband was killed by God, and his replacement, Onan, got killed too for shooting off on the ground instead of in her where it belonged. So we were supposed to reflect on how the sex drive exists so we can make babies, and both girls and guys need to recognize that's why our bodies seem like they're playing tricks on us, and once again I'm not sure I got the point exactly, but I did think about what it would be like to get both Counselor Jameson and Jill impregnated with my seed, and the thought of their breasts and bellies swelling up got me kind of excited. I made sure to fantasize it was in biblical times, and that I'd married both of them. It takes a little effort sometimes to make sure your fantasies aren't immoral. Of course, then I had to work with Jill in the garden, which maybe I should say one of the gardens. Like I wrote before, there's a lot of garden. They have a big old section I hadn't even seen before just for flowers, which is a little weird. I don't think flowers are weird. I think it's weird that this place has a big old flower garden, but they don't tell anybody about it unless they've got some work to do. We spent the entire time looking for bugs. Just looking; if we saw any they didn't want us to do anything but take pictures. They said we wouldn't know which bugs were good and which were bad, and they had a different way of dealing with each bad bug, so that's all we did. They said they wanted us to be thorough, so we needed to take our time, and they even packed us our own picnic lunch, and told us we should take at least an hour lunch. I couldn't figure out why they were being so nice. I mean the counselors are always nice, but this felt like special treatment. But I also would have felt stupid complaining about it. So we just spent our time strolling through the flowers, looking for bugs. Of course, we both had on big, floppy hats to keep from getting sunstroke, and once she was talking to me and the brim of her hat kind of blocked me from looking into her eyes, so I just reached out and tilted it up so I was looking right at her, and she smiled. I wish I knew flowers. I mean, I could tell some were poppies, and some were sunflowers, and there was some kind of roses, but all Counselor Hartley would tell me when I asked her what was what, was, not to touch them, and especially not to pick any, now matter how much I think it'll impress somebody, so I kept my hands off them. I tried to see if Jill knew anything, but she said she never studied flowers, so I said, kind of teasing, that I was sure she'd gotten more flowers than I had, and she said, kind of clipped, that her parents had said she couldn't go on dates or have boys courting until she was 18, and they hadn't tried anyway. Well, I didn't know what to say. Maybe if I were slick like some guys I would have had something to say. I could have said she was pretty and those boys didn't know what they were missing, but I don't think she's really all that pretty. Maybe I do think about her, and I've been looking at her a lot, but aside from the counselors, she'd the only person here that's given me the time of day. And writing it down, I can tell that comes off just plain mean, and I know we're all beautiful in God's eyes, but even if I did pour ion the sweet talk, she'd just think I was trying to get in her pants, and I'd probably think the same thing if somebody else tried it. But that didn't mean I didn't feel bad hearing her talk like that. And I felt I had to do or say something. So when I saw a tuft of dandelions had taken root, I figured what the heck and yanked them up and said well I guess this is the first time a guy ever gave you flowers then, and then smiled so she could just laugh it off like a joke if she didn't want to take it serious, but her face got kind of cloudy. She said, "Dandelions are a weed. You gave me a weed." And then she was quiet. And that's when I got kind of mad. I felt like saying I was just trying to be nice, or something else defensive like that, but somehow that's not what came out. I told her when I was a kid there were only two kinds of flowers that grew wild in our yard, clover and dandelions. And clover doesn't hardly look like a flower, so the only real flowers I knew were dandelions. And when they were yellow, they were pretty enough, but what I waited for was for them to turn into puffballs so I could blow on them and make a wish, and I made more wishes than I can remember. And now I've grown up they say it's a weed. "Jill, when you say 'weed' I hear you say, 'I'm not wanted,' but I think a weed's just a plant somebody can't control." I wish I could of thought of more to say, but that's all I came up with. She nodded her head and said, "That's me. I can't even control myself." So I started tying the stems to each other so all the dandelions were hooked together like a necklace then I took off her hat and put the dandelions around her neck and I said, "Solomon in all his glory was not adorned like you are now," and I said she better not argue cause it's in the Bible, and that's when she hugged me, real tight. It was from the side so her waist was on my hip so she couldn't tell but my pecker was starting to get hard before she let go. I noticed again how she smelled and I wanted to smell more, I don't know why. If I thought she wouldn't run screaming Id've grabbed and kissed her right on the mouth. Part of me wishes I had. We didn't say a lot after that. But it was real nice walking around all those flowers, and some of them smelled real nice, and when we ate lunch, she sat Indian style, and the way her skirt lay it sat over her knees, and even though she has real scrawny legs I still liked looking at them, and I think she knew. Counselor Jameson said she wanted to work with me on dialogue but when she got me alone all she wanted to talk about was me and Jill. I was kind of embarrassed but she said it was so wonderful me and Jill hit it off so well and that's why they paired us off. Well, I'd wondered if that was the case, but I said we did get on pretty well, and I said I was kind of surprised, cause I'm not good at meeting new people, and she just smiled like she knew something. Then she said that Jill had been picked on in high school and more than anything else she could use a guy who made her feel special and beautiful and if I could do that it would be wonderful, and that's when I came clean. I said I liked Jill and I'm sorry she was treated mean but I just can't tell her she's beautiful and I wished I could, cause she deserved to hear it, but I can't say a thing like that unless I mean it and I just don't find her beautiful. She looked at me kind of severe and said, "Chris, are you telling me we aren't all beautiful in God's eyes?" So I said I can't speak for what God sees, and she said part of being a Christian is seeing people with God's eyes and I couldn't argue with that, I just sat quiet for a while, and neither of us said anything. Then I said, "I don't know how to do that," and I felt real ashamed, like I should know how but I just never figured it out. And she said, "Chris, we can teach you, but you have to commit to it totally. You have to want to see her as the beautiful child of God she is, and you have to show her how beautiful she is. Will you do that?" So I said I would. And I asked what I had to do. And she said that first, we had to practice kissing some more. And that sounded like fun, but not like it was such a good idea if I was going to try to make Jill feel beautiful, and she asked me if I'd done something nice for Jill today and I said yes, I guess I had, and she said so maybe what we did actually helped you with Jill. And I said maybe that was true but it was also something I couldn't tell her about and that worried me. So she said I needed to trust more in the cleansing power of Christ's blood and the fire of the Holy Spirit. She said once me and Jill are together whatever happened in the past is wiped away, and what Jill is going to need is a lover who can show her how much he desires her, and I need to learn to kiss her like she's the kind of woman who deserves to be kissed, and I had a lot of work until I could pull that off. So I let myself be persuaded. It is true me and Jill haven't made any promises to each other, but to be honest I'd be kind of mad if I knew she was practicing kissing with Counselor Steele, but I hope I'd know enough not to blow up at her about it. I just really don't think she's that kind of girl. I hope not anyway. So Counselor Jameson said there's all kinds of kisses and she figures I'm probably as fluid as I need to be with the peck on the cheek you give your mom and dad. So we're gonna start with the surprise kiss. The point of that one is you and the other person seem to like each other pretty well but you ain't ironed out exactly how you like each other. This kind of sends a signal but not one so serious you got to worry about it. If they plant one on you later it's like raising the pot in a poker game (I never played but I've seen it in old Westerns) and you can figure things are going pretty well. It's best done when you aren't on a date, or at least neither of you calls it that, and of course neither of you has a girlfriend or husband or whatever. So we start out talking about sports, which I don't know if she's really into, but it didn't matter cause she just played dumb and asked me a bunch of softball questions like, "When do you have to stop the clock in a football game?" and, "Why does a foul shot only get one point?" and after about three or four she said, "I never really understood sports but you explain things really well," and so that's when I kissed her. But I kind of ruined it by putting my hand behind her neck and pulling her towards me. She reminded me I need to keep it light and quick. Make sure you're both close enough you don't have to lunge, or pull or anything, and if they act real surprised say something like, "Sorry, you're just so cute I couldn't resist." I nodded, then leaned right in and gave her another one, just like she described. She nodded but said I'd still need to work on it. Then we worked on the good-night kiss, which you usually do on a date, but if you just ,et someone at a dance club or wherever and walked them home or to their car, you might try it then. Both people have to lean in for it to work, and one thing to keep in mind is not everyone likes to tongue-kiss after a first date, so don't try unless they've made it clear it's OK. Well, I'm pretty sure Jill won't be using her tongue for anything other than to remind me to be a gentleman, so I figured I didn't even need to worry about it. But then we started acting out the end of the date, so to speak. She asked me to pretend we were standing at the door of her house. I was dropping her off after dinner and a movie, and she'd made it clear she wanted at least a second date. I also had to pretend she was wearing something a little nicer, like a dress she might wear to church in the summer. She apologized for not dressing the part, and I said it was OK, I hoped I'd be better dressed if I ever went on a date, and she made a little 'Oh' with her mouth like I'd said something surprising. I don't remember if I mentioned before and I'm not about to go looking back for it, but I never really dated in high school. We didn't have dances, and my dad didn't like me using the car if it wasn't for school or for a job, and even then usually him or Mom drove. He said it was because the car really belonged to the church, and it was for necessities, not pleasantries, but I remember one summer him and Mom took a square-dancing class at the community college, and how do you think they got there every Tuesday and Thursday? I remember once I almost asked if I could go to a different church, just so I could meet some kids my own age, but you can't really do that when your dad's the pastor. So anyway, she starts off by saying, "I had the best time tonight, Chris. I just love spending time with you. Let's make sure to meet up again soon!" So I leaned in, ready to just give her a couple of seconds, and she holds the back of MY head and keeps my lips planted on hers for a good ten seconds! Then she pulls away, and I can tell already by the look on her face it's lecture time. She said, all serious, "Chris, what do you think a kiss is?" And I said, "Well, like you said, a kiss is something you show affection with." "And just how much affection was that kiss supposed to show?" Well, I have to admit, that one stumped me. "A kiss isn't a polite gesture, Chris, unless it's your aunt or your grandmother. In every kiss, you should let the other person feel what you feel about them. That you're attracted to them, that you have tender feelings, that you don't really want to leave them, even though you have to – all that should come through, and just with the lips!" "Now, do you want to try that again?" She told me to think of the last girl I'd had a crush on, before coming to camp. She said no matter how it really turned out, there was a time when I allowed myself to think, even for a second, that she'd like me back. She said I needed to find that moment, and let that kiss say what I wished I'd said. And, that time, I'm pretty sure I did better. I started to kind of get into the feeling of someone else's lips on mine. I think my breath even came up short a little bit. I only wish I'd been thinking about Jill. But instead my head was filled with thoughts of all the pretty girls I'd been too shy to approach, in junior high and high school, and the few I did get up the nerve to speak to, the mean and the nice ones, and how even the nicest ones didn't seem to want anything other than to let me down easy, and how, just for a while, I could pretend the nicest, prettiest one I ever saw wanted me to show her how I felt, and didn't want to wish it all away. Heck, I'm not even sure but Jill's not too good for me. She's probably a better Christian than I am, and there probably IS some guy out there who'd see her as beautiful, and love her at first sight, and probably knock me flat for having the thoughts I have, if he read what I wrote! And I can tell she wants to be loved, and maybe she could love someone back so fierce it'd make all the pretty girls ashamed. But all that said, something brought us together, even before the counselors started helping us out. And I figure if God doesn't want us to be together he'll find a way to pry us apart, and in the meantime I guess I need to be true to my feelings and careful of hers. Before I went off to write some more in the diary, I said to Counselor Jameson, "You know, you're the first girl I ever really kissed." I was scared to death she'd say something like, "I can tell," but she's too nice for anything like that. She said, "Don't worry. We're going to help both you and Jill see how beautiful she really is. And your first kiss is going to send both of you into orbit." Then she led me to the door, and said, "Chris, spending time with you has been the best part of this job, and I hope we spend a lot more time together." Then we leaned into each other, and kissed, and...and I don't think I can even write about this. It's too soon. I hope that sleep stuff works tonight. I'm going to need it. June 16 I was going over what I've written over the past few days and if I didn't know better I'd think I didn't know any more about Jill than I do about Miley Cyrus. And I know plenty. I know she learned to draw on her own, by going out in the woods and sketching trees and birds and bugs. I know in high school she spent lots of time helping out the old folks in her congregation, and lots of time with her nose stuck in old books, she didn't even like reading stuff written after 1900, but she devoured everything from Dickens to Shakespeare. Not Bible Camp Ch. 03 Copyright 2010 by Donald Barber. This story is about both religious repression and manipulation. The focus is more on sexual tension than explicit description, though it does not shy away from such as the story warrants. If you're looking for erotic encounter after erotic encounter, look elsewhere. Also, this is part three of an ongoing story and is probably incomprehensible if the previous portions have not been read. Any views expressed by any character are, at most, that character's and sometimes not even that. Many of the characters in this story are hiding something. * June 18 I'm gonna try something new. Counselor Jameson says I should practice writing dialogue the way they do in screenplays, so when I write mine it'll look like I know what I'm doing. Turns out the way I've been writing what people say is all wrong. I knew it didn't look like it does in books, cause lots of times I don't bother with quotation marks and such, but she said it's better to write like it's a play anyway, at least until I get the hang of how people sound. It's tough remembering all the stuff everyone says though. That's why I usually just write down the gist of it. I figure I'll start with me and Jill's conversation during work duty. They seem to have decided we're a couple, which is OK with me as long as it doesn't get uncomfortable or we have a fight or something. We're working kitchen duty this week, which meant today mostly we had to wash and peel a whole bunch of vegetables plus chop up a big bunch of beef for a stew. They came in every so often to check on us but otherwise they pretty much left us alone, at least at first, which meant we got to talk a piece, but we also kept on our work for a pretty good spell, so those parts I won't include. Counselor Jameson says it's OK if something that went on over a few hours gets written as if it was several minutes, as long as all the important stuff gets included. (Setting: A kitchen. There is a large sink, currently empty. There is also a large bucket on the floor, and several shelves with many bags of vegetables on them. Jill and Chris are standing in front of the sink as the scene begins.) Jill: You want to do the potatoes first? Chris: That's as good a start as any. (Chris walks over to one of the shelves and grabs a sack of potatoes.) Chris: Does the list say we need 100? Jill: It says we need thirty-five pounds. How much is each sack? (Chris looks at the sack.) Chris: It says twenty-five pounds. I guess we'll use the scale. Jill: Empty that one out in the sink first. Then we have an empty sack to work with. (Chris hauls the sack over to the sink and empties it. Then he and Jill walk to the sink together. Jill opens one sack and begins moving potatoes into the empty one.) Jill: As long as it's between a half and a third, it should be close. (Jill takes the sack over to the scale, which is next to a metal table. She weighs the sack, then claps her hands delightedly.) Jill: Right on the money! (Jill takes the potatoes to the sink, and dumps them in.) Jill: Grab one of those buckets and I'll start rinsin' them off. (Chris grabs a bucket while Jill turns on the faucet. She grabs the spray nozzle and aims it in the sink at the potatoes.) Chris: You aren't gonna use any soap? Jill: No need. We're peelin' them, and then they're gonna boil 'em. (She keeps spraying, then picks potatoes out of the sink and puts them in the bucket near the sink.) Jill: You can start peelin' these. I'll put more in soon as I rinse 'em. I wanna rinse each layer after I clear the one on top. (Chris grabs a potato out of the first bucket and starts peeling. He holds it over a second bucket so that the peeled parts fall in it. Meanwhile, Jill is rinsing more potatoes.) Jill: So I guess it's obvious they're trying to pair us up. (Chris does not drop the potato. He puts it on the table and retrieves another one from the bucket.) Jill: Don't tell me you didn't notice. Chris: Yeah, I noticed. (Jill pulls out another bunch of potatoes. Chris grabs another one out of the bucket.) Chris: It wasn't my idea, but I don't mind. (Jill sprays off another layer of potatoes.) Chris: Do you mind? Jill: Not mind exactly... (Jill dumps what are presumably the last of the potatoes in the bucket. She then pulls out a potato and goes to join Chris in his peeling.) Jill; I think I'd like it better if it had been your idea. Then if I wanted you to leave me alone, I wouldn't be hurting your feelings over something you didn't even mean to do. (They each peel about ten more potatoes before anything more is said.) Chris: I'd still rather you tell me, if you want to be left alone. Now matter how hurtful, there's nothing worse than being with someone who doesn't want you around. Jill: I want you around. (Chris smiles at that.) Jill: But I'm a girl. I change my mood a lot. Just because I don't worry about makeup and pretty underwear and spiky shoes doesn't mean I'm always sensible. Chris: So you might just stop likin' me one day? Jill: I don't know. People usually decide they don't like me. Chris: People can be mean. Sometimes for no reason. Jill: Oh, they probably have reasons. I never try to act all interested in what other people like, and when I'm goin' on about stuff that interests me, well, you can't shut me up. Chris: Well, what if you get married? Are you gonna try to get interested in stuff your husband likes? Jill: I've asked God not to pick a man to be my husband unless I can respect him, so he'd have to care about things I took serious, not just sports and TV. (They have finished peeling the potatoes and are now cutting them, using the metal table as a cutting board. The resulting pieces are periodically put into another bucket.) Chris: We're using a lot of buckets. Jill: We'll wash out the others so we can reuse them. Chris: So what kinds of things would your husband need to be interested in? Jill: Well, definitely he'd have to be a Christian. Chris: Well, I coulda guessed that on my own. But you said you'd like a serious guy. Do you mean like a minister, or a theologian, or something? Jill: Well...can you keep a secret? Chris: Sure. What is it? Jill: My first crush was on a minister. I was sixteen, and he was working as assistant pastor, mostly cause the head pastor, Reverend Jenkins, had gotten senile but nobody wanted to say anything, so we just got his nephew, Carl, to basically take over, but we called him assistant pastor. He had dark hair, with kind of a wave through it, and brown eyes that looked black when the light was behind him, and he had these broad shoulders, and strong arms, you should of seen him lifting sacks of flour and such for the food bank. I mean, he was good looking, sure enough, but that wasn't all of it. When he preached, he made the gospel seem young. Like how those disciples must've felt when Jesus preached it. It felt like something alive. And as strong as he was in the pulpit, he was so nice outside of it. He never passed up a chance to give any girl or lady a compliment, and he never was anything but a gentleman. I'm sure all the women and girls my age had crushes on him, and I know a couple of women tried just throwing themselves at him, like he'd just have to catch 'em. But if he ever did anything back it got kept real quiet. Anyhow Reverend Jenkins got so bad he had to move into a home, and we all thought Carl would just take over, but the local chapter of our denomination decided we needed a more experienced pastor, and there was no way Carl could stay on, cause he really was the pastor, and everybody knew it. But I've always known I wanted a man to make me feel that way, with energy and...conviction, Sometimes I wonder if he had to go cause we were all turning into love-struck teenagers. But it wouldn't have to be an actual preacher; it might be too much like a wish come true, and I suspect that's the Devil's trick. Chris (wistfully): You don't give a fella much hope, do you? Jill (startled): Oh! Well, I guess I didn't think about...I mean...how you'd... Chris: I mean...if you already know -- Jill (cutting him off): Hold on one second! Let's get one thing straight. (Holds up a finger.) I don't want an older man, and I don't expect you to act like one. I think you're a real nice guy, and I think neither one of us knows exactly what we plan to do with our lives. If something happens between us, if we decide we're right for each other, well, that's just part of figuring out our futures. But until we get a handle on that, I can't promise anything else. That's all I'm saying. Chris: So, what can we do? I mean, what are we? To each other, I mean... Jill: Well, I hope we're friends. And I see the way you look at me, and I'll admit it, I...think about you. About what you could be. (Pause) Look, before this camp, did you ever think you could be a writer? Chris: I guess I assumed I'd be a preacher. Jill: Well, heck, preachers have to write! You think they get sermons in the mail? (Smiles) I always figured I'd work with seniors, maybe in a nursing home. I knew I couldn't afford art school, but they've really encouraged me here, so who knows? Chris: Yeah, but I got a lot to sort out. You know I don't even have a real high school diploma? I couldn't even get into the Army if I wanted. Jill: Well, good! (There is a silence. They are now peeling carrots. After a minute, Jill speaks.) Jill: I mean, not good that you didn't graduate high school, but you shouldn't be wanting to join the Army. Chris (sounding shocked): You're the first woman I ever met who felt that way, except my mom, and I think she was just scared for me. Jill: Well, I don't think any Christian should join the Army, except maybe as a chaplain, but only if they let him preach the Gospel, which I doubt they would! Chris: Why do you think that? Jill: Jesus told us to turn the other cheek. You think they let soldiers do that? Chris: Yeah, but police ain't in the habit of forgiving people either, or judges. Are you saying they can't be Christians? Jill: I know police sometimes shoot people, but they don't set out to do it. They tell people they're under arrest; they don't just pick people off. Not if they're good cops. Chris: OK, maybe not... Jill: Do you know what soldiers do when they go overseas? Even if they have wives or girlfriends back home? (Chris shrugs his shoulders.) Jill: They have sex with whores! Sometimes the Army even pays for 'em! Is that what you want? (Chris gets a panicked expression on his face.) Jill: And the things they push on soldiers. Did you know they used to give soldiers cigarettes? And the drinking that goes on, unless it's in a Muslim country. And they even give soldiers speed to keep them alert! How is it OK for Christians to...volunteer for that? Chris (hands raised): It was just an example. I just meant my career path may need a bit of roadwork. Jill (grips her hands together): Well, I hope you aren't afraid of a little hard work! Chris (smiling): Never really had to do more than a little. I guess a lot might wear me out. But there's people on the streets lookin' for work, so I guess I can't turn my nose up at it. Jill: I guess that's one thing this place has, is plenty to do. Chris: I just hope it gets us somewhere. ***** Well, we didn't really get to talk too much after that. The counselor in charge of the kitchen, Counselor Horner, came in and decided he could speed us up and get us more efficient. He wasn't really bossy about it, and it wasn't like he was blaming us for being too slow, but he kind of took charge in a way that made carrying on a personal conversation sort of pointless, especially cause there was an audience. Our meditation this morning was on Ruth. It seems that when Ruth "lay at the feet of Boaz," feet weren't exactly feet, and it wasn't just her loyalty Boaz liked. Counselor Steele brought up Rahab again, and said that women in the Davidic lineage went through a lot of trouble and broke the rules more than once, both for survival and to ensure they had offspring and a husband so people wouldn't call their kids bastards. He said people like to put women down as whores even when they're just trying to keep body and soul together, or when they're just trying to let a man know there's a good woman in the vicinity, and not pass up an opportunity. He said men need to thank God he created women, and delight in them. And he said women need not to hold themselves above other women, not scorn the choices they make. He said if Ruth had been a virgin, she wouldn't have known what to do to catch Boaz's attention, but if she'd been a whore, she wouldn't have been taken in by Naomi in the first place. I've started to notice that a lot of our meditations are on sex. I guess I haven't read the Bible as much as I ought: I never guessed it had that much sex in it. I don't know why, but I'd always focused on the parts tellin' me what not to do. I guess I didn't want to get in trouble. My meditation didn't go much of anywhere. I was thinking about what Jill might do to show me she was a good woman -- how she could maybe entice me. But like I wrote earlier, I'm not even a real high school graduate. I don't think it's up to her to impress me. Counselor Jameson agrees with me, I guess. She didn't think we needed to practice kissing this time, which was kind of a relief, specially since I kept thinking about her naked the whole time we talked. She said it was more important to project confidence, but in a persuasive way, than to worry about if I was a good enough kisser. This was puzzling to me. Hadn't we gone to a lot of trouble to practice kissing if it's not a big deal? But I didn't question. It's not cause I don't have any doubts, but confidence sure seems like a good thing to have, so I'm willing to focus on that if I need to. Counselor Jameson told me that to show confidence, I'm gonna have to learn to be an actor, just a little bit. She said this would help my writing, cause anyone writing a screenplay should have some idea how it'll feel for an actor to say the lines he wrote. It almost sounded too obvious, and I was red that I hadn't already thought on that, but I haven't even been trying to write a screenplay more than a few days, so I think I'll give myself some slack just this once. So she's gonna get ahold of some movies to show me, so I can see what sort of acting makes you look confident. But in the meantime she gave me some exercises. She said the first one is a simple relaxation technique I should do when I'm lying in bed tonight. I could've used it all last week when it was taking me hours to fall asleep, but oh well. I'm supposed to say the words, "Relaxed, calm, tranquil," to myself with my eyes closed. I'm supposed to concentrate on what the words look like in my head. That doesn't mean how the letters are shaped, although if I see the words like they're printed on paper or even in big cartoons like they used to show them on Electric Company, that's great, too. But even if they don't look like words in my head I should pay attention to the images that do come up. It may be as simple as a color, it may show up as a painting or someone's face (which I don't think is likely, specially not a painting; the only paintings I ever saw were in magazines and books, and those I only saw in doctors' and dentists' offices; Art history wasn't a course at any of the schools I attended); it might even be a memory of a place or a time I'd like to get back to. The trick is to hold that image in your head without trying too hard. Every so often I can repeat the words if I need to. But the point is to find a place in my mind that's safe and calm, that I can get to when I need to. That gives me something to build upon. I'm curious to try it. June 19 Well, I don't know if those relaxation exercises put me into a trance or something, but I went out like a light last night. I even overslept, but that was OK apparently. Everybody else in the cabin had gone on to do their morning activities and I guess the counselors had said to let me sleep cause I don't remember anyone even trying to wake me up. One thing I noticed when I woke up was I had a green wristband around my left wrist, one of those stretchy cloth ones I've seen people use when they're jogging. It had a Post-it attached with "Please do not remove" written on it, and it wasn't until I reported to the kitchen that anyone explained what it meant. (I'd completely missed breakfast AND morning meditation.) It seem we're all being evaluated in terms of our progress spiritually, and like Counselor Gunn said, "Some people need a boost, and some need more of a challenge." So we all get wristbands of different colors, and every so often we'll get pulled out of the normal course of activities based on the color, and we'll get more individually targeted instruction. I felt like I was getting pretty hands-on instruction already, but maybe this'll spread it around more evenly. I was glad to see Jill had a green wristband too. I guess someone thinks we're pretty equal. When she said she missed me at breakfast I was kind of glad but then worried cause I couldn't really explain why I'd missed. I guess I could have told her about the relaxation exercises, but actually I was pretty fuzzy about just what did happen last night until I read over yesterday's entry. So I just said I slept pretty hard and she seemed to be OK with that. Today we made dough for pizza, which was fun, mainly cause I was happy we were gonna have pizza. One of my high school friends worked at Pizza Hut and he certainly sounded sick of it the last time we talked, but almost anything can be fun if you don't have to do it every day. It turns out you have to let the yeast swell up the dough before it's ready for cooking, so we got a lot more supervision than we did when it was just vegetables. I was kind of worried we'd keep getting yelled at for not being fast enough, but we had Counselor Giovanni supervising us, who's a really beautiful dark-haired woman who looks maybe a little old to be here, like in her thirties, but is just as nice as can be. She just made sure we kept aware of when the yeast was ready to be mixed with the dough (we had a mixing machine, which made it a lot easier) and when the dough was ready to be rolled flat and fit in the pans, and then she took it to the oven room, where I guess they put on all the toppings before they baked the pizza. It got to be such a routine I almost wished I could put on the toppings and cheese and sauce and stuff, just to give me something more to do, but she said part of this was learning to stick to your own task and "let the other parts do their part," like we were all one body, which I guess is the same thing Paul told people to do, so it must be a good idea. Counselor Giovanni was almost flirtatious with me, calling me "handsome" and "cute." But she made sure to draw Jill into it, telling her "your boyfriend" this and "your boyfriend" that, but always keeping a smile in her voice so Jill wouldn't feel the need to correct her. At one point, she whispered something to Jill that made her just blush all over the place, but I could tell she wanted to smile, too. It must've been pretty good, too, cause she wouldn't even tell me what it was, just kind of giggled when I asked. Then, when we'd made our last batch of dough, we were all pretty messy, and Jill apparently thought the flour on her wrist band made it look tacky, so she made as if to take it off, and Counselor Giovanni got kind of upset. She said we should never take them off unless we were getting ready to put another one on, and that we should always go to a counselor and let them know if it needed changing. Not Bible Camp Ch. 04 Copyright 2010 by Donald Barber. This story is about both religious repression and manipulation. The focus is more on sexual tension than explicit description, though it does not shy away from such as the story warrants. If you're looking for erotic encounter after erotic encounter, look elsewhere. Also, this is part four of an ongoing story and is probably incomprehensible if the previous portions have not been read. Any views expressed by any character are, at most, that character's and sometimes not even that. Many of the characters in this story are hiding something. June 23 Well, I used to look forward to Saturdays but now it just means I don't get to see Jill for two days. I don't quite understand why Saturday-worshipers and Sunday-worshipers have to separate on the weekends, but Counselor Jeremy says we should be able to take a day for ourselves as well as for the Lord, and we don't want to get the two mixed up. I kind of worry what'll happen if me and Jill do get married; I guess one of us will have to switch. Since I don't think Saturday worship is a sin exactly, it'll probably be me, but I can't picture being a Seventh-Day Adventist minister, cause I just don't think God cares exactly what day you worship him on, and I can't see telling a congregation that he does. But maybe my mind will change, or Jill's. I have to hope God'll fix it whichever way he sees fit. I hadn't mentioned it before, but we also got divided up into boys and girls for sports. Since the guys played volleyball last Saturday, we played softball this time. I'm no athlete, but I'm just glad I was able to catch the ball when it was hit near me (lucky for me they went pretty high so I had time to get under them), and I got on base four times. No one on either team was anything more than OK, but I guess we had fun. No one got mad at anybody else, even when they screwed up, so it seemed like we were all in a good mood. If we have anybody at this place whose charisma is athletics, I sure couldn't see it today, but maybe they're in another group. They also showed us a movie after dinner, which I thought was nice, but there were a lot of moans and groans cause it was It's a Wonderful Life, and Pete and Dave in particular were going on about how it's old and corny and there's no action and it's not funny and a whole bunch of other stuff. And even though I like the movie I can see what they mean. It looks like something they'd make for TV, not something you'd pay to see in a theater. But I guess anything with too much violence in it would get someone upset, unless maybe it was one of the Narnia movies. Sometimes I think they forget they're at a Christian camp. They quieted down once the movie started, though. We almost didn't see it cause of some problems with the projector. I'm not sure what caused it, but when they turned it on there was this weird noise I don't quite know how to describe. It made the hairs on my neck stand on end, at least that's what it felt like. It was almost like nails on a chalkboard, except instead of making you want to cover your ears I felt like I had to listen to it, like I had to piece out every little bit of sound in it like it was music I wanted to remember even though I couldn't tell you why I wanted to remember it if you asked me. Then the projector light came up on the screen but it seemed wrong too somehow. The light started out spread out over the screen, like a regular projector, but then it seemed like the light kind of gathered itself together and squeezed into the center of the screen. And it was flashing and pulsing, almost like those lights you see on a police car, but white, not blue. And then it seemed like the movie started playing, but it was going so fast you couldn't make out what was happening. Or I should say that's the impression I got; all I could really see was a weird, flickering blur, so it could have been a movie sped up or it could have been some weird kind of static, but I never heard of static on a projector, so I'm gonna go with my first guess. I can't really say how long that nonsense went on for -- it could have been seconds or minutes -- but just as sudden as it started is how it seemed like everything worked itself out, as the picture just sort of shuddered and slowed down and all of a sudden "Buffalo Girls" started playing and the opening credits started rolling. Well, I had another one of those spells where I was just drifting in and out, and it felt kind of weird. I mean, if a movie's good enough you can get so caught up in it that you don't really think about sitting in a theater, and then a baby cries and it's like a belt of cold water in the face, but I'm not talking about that. I can't quite place where my mind was wandering to, just that every so often I'd come aware of something happening on the screen, and it was like I'd been flipping channels on the TV and just suddenly lit on Jimmy Stewart and I'd pay attention for a few seconds and then go back to flipping. It kind of reminded me of watching TV at my friend Jerry's house. His dad had cable, but it was cause otherwise his mom couldn't watch the Christian channel without static, which made their screen go all blue. So almost all the channels were blocked, which meant most of the time all you saw was a program guide, and a news feed at the bottom of the screen. But Jerry was obsessed with the idea that some kind of glitch was gonna come up just when something really good came on, like a woman with no clothes on, and it would be the greatest moment of his life. So he kept flipping channel after channel, never getting bored, always getting disappointed. So it was a relief even to see a game show pop up once in a while, and it kind of irked me when Jerry flipped past after only a couple seconds, even though usually I don't care about game shows. Other than that (and of course the Christian channel) there was nothing to look at, and anything's better than nothing. Well, this was like that. Except during the channel switching I was always wishing we could settle on something, even if it was boring. I can't tell you what I was thinking on when I wasn't focused on the movie. It's like a total blank. I tried to chat with Dave and Pete when the movie was over, I especially wanted to ask if they'd seen what I saw at the beginning. I felt so out of it I half-worried I'd had a seizure, or maybe just a migraine. But Pete started yawning really big and saying he didn't know why, but that movie had really wiped him out, and if he didn't head back to his cabin and lie down, he'd be napping on his feet. So they both headed off to get some shuteye. Truth is, everybody looked kind of spaced. It was only about 9:30 but a lot of people looked dead on their feet, and most everybody looked like they weren't sure where they were. There wasn't anything more scheduled for the evening, but lights out isn't till eleven on Saturdays, and usually people at least stand around and chat. But it seemed like everybody just wanted to turn in early. I was pretty wiped, too, but I felt like something weird had happened, and I was itching to see if somebody other than me had noticed. But it didn't look like I was gonna catch anyone's interest, so I decided to hit my own haysack, for lack of anything better to do. Once I got there, though, I realized I wasn't a bit sleepy. That's when I remembered: I hadn't written in my journal. So here I am! I still don't feel even slightly drowsy, but there's always that stuff Counselor Jameson gave me; it's always helped before. Plus the relaxation exercises. It feels like I'm anticipating something, but I have no idea what it is. I hope I can talk with Counselor Jameson tomorrow. I need her to really come out with some good suggestions for approaching Jill. I've been playing it safe too long. June 24 Last night I had possibly the weirdest dream I have ever had. I am seriously worried that I've been subjected to some form of demonic attack. First off, I was scared to tell anyone, because they might think I'm crazy. Not for having the dream, but worrying about demons. I mean, they never talk about them here. I'd heard there's folks that don't believe in them, even though they're in the Bible. I need to get it down on paper and see how it looks. Me and Jill were standing near an apple tree. She looked me right in the eye and said, with a real serious look on her face, "Do you think he made a mistake?" Somebody, I think it was me, said, "He must have known it would happen. It wouldn't be him otherwise." She nodded, like I'd told her something she already knew was true. "Have you been listening to the snake?" It wasn't an accusation; she really wanted to know. She wore a loose, red blouse and a loose, long, white crinoline skirt. A breeze came up, and set her clothes fluttering. I was about to say, "No," but then I looked down and there was a weird flash, like lightning, and every time the flash hit, I could see the head of a snake peeking out of my crotch. He must've been wrapped all around me, and I never noticed. I don't know how long he's been there," I said. She smiled, and said, "He's been there the whole time, but he's been sleeping." Then she got down on her knees, and said, real saucy, " I know how to make him quiet." And then she did something that just went beyond all my belief. She reached out both hands, unfastened the button on my shorts, unzipped 'em, and then I guess I hadn't been wearing any underwear cause my pecker just sprang out like it was ready to attack! Course I say "My pecker" cause it was attached to me, but I never saw it get that big before, even in dreams. I guess it still looked like mine, though. Same skin tone, same mole on the left side. But even though I never measured, I could still tell it was longer than it'd ever been. And it wasn't even fully hard; that was pretty weird, too. And Jill didn't even flinch. She just smiled big as I've ever seen her, and grabbed ahold of it, and just sort of squeezed on it till it was standing up straight, than started running her hand up and down the length of it. And this was another weird thing. All the while this was going on, it didn't really feel like this was me it was happening to. Almost like I wasn't in my own body; maybe cause I didn't feel I had any control over what was going on, like I'd think if Jill grabbed my talleywhacker in real life I'd say something. I'm not saying I'd resist temptation perfectly, like I wouldn't give in no matter what, but I'm usually pretty shy about stuff I never did before, even when it ain't sinning. So that was odd. But it started to feel more real once she got her hand on me. If I felt anything before then, I don't remember it. But I sure felt her stroking me. Course it didn't feel any different from doing it myself, but watching her do it made a lot of difference that I can't quite explain. It was standing up as straight as it could, now. It hadn't gotten any longer, but it looked hard enough to chip a brick on. Jill looked real happy about it. "Now we can have some real fun," she said. And then she did something I wouldn't expect her to do even if we were married, it was that much of a shock. She just leaned her head over and put her mouth right on my penis, just like she did this kind of thing all the time, like she didn't need to ask. Of course, I kept right on letting her do whatever she wanted, so I guess it was OK with me in the dream. I never saw a girl take a man's thing into her mouth before, even though I've heard about such things. And I sure never had it done to me, which is maybe why I got no memory of how it felt: I don't think your brain can make up how something feels if you've never felt it before, which I don't know why that's not the case for things you see and hear, but there it is. Not to say I didn't feel anything, but it sure wasn't as intense as the handjob, even though I didn't notice at the time. It was kind of like a movie was playing itself out in my head, and I'd been beamed into it somehow. I bet even if it'd happened in real life, it would've been such a shock I would've spent half my brain trying to figure out if it was really happening, so I can't say it would've seemed any realer, but I think there's a part of everybody that knows the difference between a dream and what's real, or at least I hope so, otherwise we'd never keep track. So I don't really know what it's like to feel a mouth on my penis, and so if anything my curiosity's been pricked up, and that sure sounds like a Devil's trick. I guess the sounds kind of stuck with me more than anything else. When I say it was like a movie, I don't mean a silent film, and there wasn't any crazy music in the background either. But I never would've guessed a woman taking a pecker in her mouth would be so noisy. All these slurps and grunts, and then when she got the whole thing in there she made this little throaty noise that I couldn't tell if she was gagging or choking or what exactly, but it was like watching someone without table manners eating, which is usually disgusting, but I haven't quite pieced out how I feel about it in this case. Every so often she'd stop and pull me out of her mouth and look up at me and she'd have this proud smile but her eyes would be saying "Is this good? Do you like this?" like she was expecting approval from my end, but I didn't say a word, and I knew it was just a dream but part of me feels still like maybe I let her down, like I should have said something, even though if I go by the Bible it should've been something like, "Get thee gone, harlot!" But I'd never want to speak that way to Jill. Anyhow it ended pretty quick. My hips started kind of jerking and thrusting, which made her take me out of her mouth one more time, and then she started jerking me off almost frantic, using her other hand to tickle me under the balls, and I guess that pretty much pushed me over the edge, cause I just spurted long and loud, and I was shocked but Jill just let me spill all over her face, and she didn't look even a hair's worth of irate about it (some of it got in her hair, too). I was so shocked I guess I closed my eyes, cause everything went dark for a second, but then when I opened them again, something was different. It was Counselor Jameson there on her knees, her blonde hair and blue eyes looking up at me while my spunk soaked in her hair and ran down her face. I wondered if it'd been her all along, and was relieved to see she was still smiling. But then she said something that cut me to the bone. "Do you think we're all the same, Chris?" she asked. I still had nothing to say, and suddenly I felt helpless. Then she stood up and gave me a hug, even with my pecker still hanging out, even with my seed on her face. It's OK, Chris," she whispered, right in my ear. "Don't you know we're all one in the spirit?" She pulled back, and suddenly she was as naked as I ever saw her, and she pointed at her crotch, and said, "This is the door. We all have to pass through. You'll be given a choice soon." And then I woke up. My heart was jack-hammering so bad I was worried I'd wake up my cabin mates, but I guess it only seemed loud to me. I might've made some other noises while I was dreaming, though. I sure messed up a pair of boxers. I tried to change real quiet, and I don't think I woke anybody, but I sure felt embarrassed. And a little P.O.-ed. If I'd been able to squeeze one off every couple of days this wouldn't have happened. At least that's what I told myself. But I calmed down pretty quick after I got back into bed. I can't really tell how long it took to get back to sleep, but it was somewhere between the blink of an eye and counting to ten, if I'm remembering right. It really came on all of a sudden. I woke up right when I was supposed to, with the wake-up call in my ears and that dream still rattling in my brain. I hoped it'd calm down a little during breakfast; I didn't want to keep picturing the whole thing during church. There's better thoughts I should be having, I'm sure. Church didn't help, although I felt just a stitch less embarrassed about having that dream. Reverend Reems just read us Song of Solomon. The whole thing. He started it off with a little speech about how no one's exactly sure what it's supposed to be about. Outwardly, it appears to be Solomon (the author is presumed to be Solomon, even though the formal title is actually Song of Songs) expressing his sexual desire for, and describing its consummation with, a particular female, presumed to be one of his wives, or maybe one of his brides-to-be. Since he had about seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines, it's kind of unlikely he wouldn't have married a woman he had such strong feelings for. Plus it just makes Christians feel better if they got married. But it's assumed it's really about God's love for Israel, or Christ's love for the church, and that maybe when the Jews included it in their Bible they didn't know what it meant or why they were doing it. But he asked us to put all that aside and just listen to the words and let them speak to us. So I listened. "My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him." That one stuck in my head. I had never come across that one before. If it means what I think it means, it's dirtier than anything I ever dreamed about, which is kind of a relief, although now I'm worried cause I'm calling the Bible dirty. That might be blasphemy. So service ended with me more confused than ever, so all I could think to do was talk to Counselor Jameson, although I decided to take in a good post-service dinner first. Individually made chicken pot pies, fresh spinach salad, and key lime pie for dessert. They really go all out on Sundays here. Of course, then I needed a nap. I was worried she'd have taken off or hid herself away or something by the time I woke up (the nap lasted a good three hours) but she was sitting just as pretty as you please in the common area, and she said she'd be happy to have a talk, and sure looked happy, come to think on it. We went into the conference cabin, and she said, "Tell me what's troubling you," and I laid it all out. I may have been a touch stingy on the details; I decided she didn't need to hear about parts or fluids or anything that would make the both of us blush. I just said I'd had a sexual dream involving me and Jill and I was worried the Devil might be trying to tempt me into having premarital sex with Jill, and I didn't fully know what to do about it. She didn't say anything for a few seconds, and I was starting to worry that she thought I was crazy, even though she ought to know me better than that. At least I didn't have to worry she'd laugh at me. She's too nice for that. Then she asked, "Why would you suspect it came from the Devil? You're sexually attracted to Jill -- why wouldn't your imagination take things a step further?" The way she said it, it almost sounded innocent. But I was still worried. I answered. "Because things happened in that dream that never happened to me before. That I never even saw happen before. Not even a real good description in a book. But it all looked so real! It just seems it had to come from somewhere." At this, she smiled, and then she said, "Chris, I don't know why, but you constantly sell your imagination short. Remember when I said we're all greater artists than we know?" I nodded. I hadn't really understood it, but I remembered. "Your brain is a more amazing computer than any human will ever build. Have you ever heard of CGI, or Photoshop?"