54 comments/ 23134 views/ 22 favorites The Porn Crisis By: stev2244 Many thanks to "Snooker70" and "SexyGeek" for their assistance. Snooker70 was relentless in helping me to improve the plot and making suggestions, SexyGeek also helped me a lot by doing the grammar and spelling check. As always - if you enjoy seeing burning bitches or lengthy sex scenes, choose another author. xx MIKE "Mike, honey. Do you think I'm attractive?" Damn. No matter if a woman looks as obviously hot as my wife does. No matter how often I tell her this. No matter how many guys drool after her. This question seems to be unavoidable in regular intervals. It's been a relaxed Sunday afternoon on my deck so far. Nothing had hinted at the impeding trouble. I've been thinking about - well mostly nothing as it seems in hindsight. Nursing a cold beer. Watching the sky, my beautiful wife and a couple of birds doing some shit or other. Just like it should be. And suddenly I find myself in the middle of a nuclear mine field. My brain is in full alert mode within fractions of a second. Of course I do find her attractive. But this question has probably always been dreaded by any cognizant husband for a good reason as a simple YES usually won't cut the mustard. The thought structure leading to this question is unfathomably complicated and way beyond any male brain. But of course I'll ignore all experience and try to get away with a simple YES anyway. And I can be absolutely honest about it. My wife Ellen is scorching hot. That makes this question so absurd and me so wary. "You're extremely hot, Ellen." I try to sound sincere and convincing. "Oh, thank you, honey." She smiles sweetly. "But what about my body?" "Fantastic. You know that. You're a scorcher." I hope against better judgement that the matter might be settled with this. "Honey, you know... I've had my night with Sue yesterday. We met in her apartment this time. You know, the new one. She has bought complete new furniture, can you believe it? The sofa alone..." I zone out for a while and watch these birds again while Ellen describes Sue's new furniture in great detail. "She has shown me her new flat and she's shown me a porn movie. Can you believe it?" I'm immediately alert again. "What? What did you just say?" Okay, not my wittiest response. But this change of subject is too sudden for my poor brain to follow. Why is she asking me about her attractiveness, followed by a summary of Sue's furniture and then suddenly switches to porn? This has to be a new all-time high in female excursiveness. Or are these questions somehow connected? If they are, the connection remains a mystery to me. Why is she talking about porn anyway? This has always been some kind of taboo subject. "Yes. And can you believe it - it wasn't even half bad." She's really babbling and in a happy mood seemingly. "You see - these people don't look as cheap as I've expected. Some... Well, some were actually quite hot. I... I hadn't expected that." "Oh, you've enjoyed watching these guys?" I wink a little while I'm asking this and try to keep the tone of that question light. But my mind is racing. She's never been into porn. She has always claimed to find it repulsive. What's happening here? "Not only the guys, honey. The women were quite pretty too. It was really not as repulsive to watch as I've expected. And you know what - Sue then just plain told me than I'm hot enough to be a porn actress myself. Can you believe it? But I think she just tried to be nice. What do you think?" Ah, I finally see the connection. She wants me to confirm Sue's compliment. That's okay. Now the situation can be defused pretty easily. I'm relieved that I'm probably off the hook now. "Yeah, I totally agree. You're really hot stuff, surely hot enough to be a porn star. Hell, you'd probably be the most beautiful woman they ever had for their shit. But don't even think about it..." I'm trying to sound sincere while I'm only joking. This whole idea isn't really serious and we both know it. But if the thought pleases her, why not? Life has taught me that some women need constant reassurance. And that men's lives are definitely easier if they provide it. "Oh, no, you moron." She laughs. She's smiling and really seems to be happy. Well, that was a strange conversation for sure. Even for Ellen's standard. Small price to pay for being with such a stone fox. xx MIKE - a few weeks later After dinner I'm surprised to find Ellen in the living room, watching a movie. My eyes almost pop out of my head as I see that it's a porn movie. Not some emotional, soft-core, cuddling stuff for women. This is standard hard-core stuff. The kind of stuff men don't want to be caught watching by their wives. She watches it with a fascinated expression on her face and winks at me from time to time. Obviously, she's absolutely unperturbed by the situation. I don't have the slightest idea what's going on here. So, lacking a better plan, I proceed to stand there with my mouth hanging slightly open. "Honey... umm... Would you mind?" "Ah..." What is she talking about? Mind what? I have the impression that I'm not really at the front line, regarding the recent developments in our household. Then she answers the question by lifting her short skirt and starting to masturbate while she watches a couple fucking. To say that I'm stunned would be the understatement of the year. If a spaceship with two-headed M landed in our living room, I wouldn't be shocked now. Not only is she wearing a ridiculously short skirt without the most stunning thing is that she's openly masturbating while I'm watching. This is a definite first. And she's absolutely not shy about it, so I have to assume she's doing this a lot. And I've never seen her watching more than a few seconds of porn. She's certainly changed a lot in a short time and that scares me. I don't know what's happening and I don't know if I like it. I mean, I'd certainly welcome her being more uninhibited but I also dread any major change in our happy marriage and gentle, slow and considerate love life. I have always enjoyed it this way and had assumed she felt the same. I'm feeling out of place and insecure, not knowing what she expects me to do now. Retreat is not an option, so I just sit next to her, trying to appear interested in the movie. And trying desperately not to appear narrow-minded and embarrassed by her behavior. Well, maybe I'm a little strange, but porn never really appealed to me that much. It always seemed too ridiculous and cheap to be erotic or even believable. Although this particular movie doesn't look as cheap as the one I've watched years ago at Marty's bachelor party. Actually, for a porn movie it looks quite classy. She continues to masturbate and looks at me expectantly. "Well?" She asks. "Erm... well what?" "Honey, don't you want to fuck me?" Whoah, did she say fuck? That's another novelty for her. But I surely don't mind to follow her suggestion. Not because the movie turns me on but because she does. The slightly annoying thing is though, she's not really with me while I "fuck" her. She keeps looking at the screen where some muscular, Hispanic guy is pounding a petite blonde hottie from behind. I notice that the blonde's tits absolutely don't respond to the movement of her body while they're hanging down from her chest. They look like they have the consistency of hard rubber. They're probably bullet-proof too. But Ellen seems to be beyond such minor technicalities and watches the scene mesmerized, obviously unable or unwilling to look away even shortly. I feel a little neglected, so I start pounding her harder to bring her back to reality. This is not our usual way of tender love-making and I'm not even sure if I really succeed in distracting her. At least she looks at me from time to time now, but mainly keeps watching the screen. I begin to feel like some self-acting dildo with an enormous and slightly unnecessary attachment on it. Finally she has a small orgasm. And eventually the guy blows his load into the blonde's face and the next scene with different actors comes up. The story line and the acting skills are preposterously poor and seem to help to divert Ellen's attention back to me. But she's not really into it and merely waits for me to finish. I feel a little sad, which is something I've never experienced before during sex. I even have problems to finish. After the sex, she looks quite satisfied and unperturbed. But she doesn't want to kiss and cuddle and seems lost in thought. I'm not sure if this whole thing has been an improvement for our sex life. Somehow I doubt it. "Ah, that was hot. Don't you think, honey?" "Ah, no, Ellen. Not at all. Ellen... to be honest, I felt a little neglected. You... you obviously wanted to watch that Hispanic guy while I fucked you. Maybe you even imagined being fucked by him. You know, that porn shit really didn't make things better for me." "Don't be silly, honey." And with that, the matter seems to be settled for her. No explanation, no reflection about my doubts. Just a curt "don't be silly". Shouldn't our roles be reversed, I think? Usually the man would be the porn addict and prefer hard, mechanical sex. While the woman craves cuddling and intimacy during and after the sex and unsuccessfully tries to talk about her feelings. If this role reversal means that we lead some kind of modern marriage, I can do without it for sure. xx MIKE Several days later, I initiate sex by caressing and kissing her on our bed. "Oh, wait a moment, honey," she says and switches on the TV. Again, she starts a porn movie, although a different one. But I notice the same Hispanic guy. The opening credits, which look like they've been created using some 80s home computer, announce his name as Ramon Gutierrez. Which at least seems a little more credible than the other Rock Steels and Candy Luvs. "Ellen... honey, I don't think this is sexy. I don't really... It destroys our intimacy and my mood. Their groaning in the background is just ridiculous." She reacts by switching off the sound and looks at me expectantly. "Better, yes. But not as good as it could be." "Mike, honey, accept it for me, please. It will spice up our sex life. You will see." I'm not sure, but I keep my mouth shut. After all, it's me who wants to have sex, so I can't be picky. I just hope that this Ramon guy will not become a permanent addition to our sex life. And that we can return to our old way of gentle love making some day. xx MIKE Again, we have to watch a Ramon Gutierrez movie while we're having sex. And it's definitely sex we're having, we're not making love any more. I'm seriously worried now. For weeks, we didn't have sex once without the guy's twisted face in the background while he unsuccessfully tries to look as if he's in the throes of passion. It seems she does not only have a porn addiction but also a very specific crush on that Ramon guy. Shit. Sex is merely a chore for me now. I don't want to lose her, so I keep doing my husbandly duties. But I certainly don't enjoy being the replacement cock while she imagines having sex with this guy. I even have problems to finish on some days. "Mike, honey... do you really think I would be pretty enough to star in such a movie? You have already told me, but I think you just wanted to flatter me." "Oh, you surely are." "Aren't my tits too small?" "No, they're perfect. They're beautiful. And most of all - they're real. Not the glued on balls these bimbos have. But don't even think about it." This time I'm not so sure if my warning is just a joke. And my tone is not as light any more. I really don't know where this whole situation is leading to. She smiles happily, totally oblivious of my concerns and fears. "Thank you. You're really cute." Cute? Not handsome? Or manly? Just cute? "So, do you think I'm handsome enough to do it too?" I ask this just to annoy her and to remind her that two can play this game. "Oh, yes, you certainly are. But your cock is too small." This hits me like a cold bucket of water and I feel my cock shrinking. She looks surprised. "Oh, honey... Please don't get me wrong. Your cock is just fine. Average at least. And just perfect for me. But you need something exceptionally big to get a job there. You really have to be some freak of nature. Of course, you're just fine for me." Shit, shit, shit. I feel like shit. I watch the scene unfolding on the screen and I have to admit that Gutierrez' cock is extremely large. I begin to feel inferior to him. The evening is over for me, I go to the shower. Ellen is surprisingly unperturbed about the interruption of our coupling and continues to watch her movie. She starts to masturbate openly, watching Gutierrez with an awed look. I'm amazed how insensitive she has become. She's constantly demeaning and insulting me by watching him and doesn't even notice it. So if her new attitude towards sex means that she just needs a cock as a sex toy with no feelings attached, Ramon surely is the better choice. xx MIKE The following weeks bring more Gutierrez porn, more masturbating and almost no mutual sex at all. She's good-humored most of the time and somehow manages to totally ignore my glum mood. I'm beginning to doubt my future with Ellen but I still hope that this is just a passing phase. I'm convinced that I can't stand that in the long run, it's just too humiliating. She's constantly cheating in her mind. And she's totally neglecting my feelings and my need for closeness. But I'm determined to endure it for a limited time to save my marriage as I certainly still love her. I'm trapped in this damn situation. I can't leave her, I can't reach her by talking to her, I can't change anything, I can't be happy as it is. xx MIKE Ellen works in a call center. I have to admit that such a job is quite hard and unsatisfying. She actively hates it. But I make good money and I want her to stay at home anyway. It's time for us to think about children. But she's not happy with either option. "Ah... honey. Good news. I've applied for a three week job in L.A." Oh, shit. This hits me out of nowhere. I immediately know where this is heading. She wants to turn her virtual cheating into a real one. "You want to visit Gutierrez?" My question is dead serious and she knows it. "No, silly. I'd be an assistant at a movie take." "You have no skills or experience, no regular movie team would hire you. So I assume this is about a porn movie?" "Don't be mad, honey. Of course it is. I'm not interested in other movies anyway. You know that I really like porn movies and would like to see how one is made. And I earn some money by the way. I can escape the damn call center. It's perfect." "And you have added your pictures to your application." "Ah... Well... Sure. That's quite normal if you apply somewhere, isn't it?" "Nude." This is not a question. I already know the answer. She has basically applied to be fucked by Gutierrez in a porn movie. "Don't get this wrong, honey. Some of them might be a little revealing, yes. It's... it's normal in the porn business." She has the decency to look a little unsure now. I realize that I'm not even angry. I'm just sad. I think she's slipping away from me and she's having a lot of fun while she's doing it. "You think that their camera man has also applied with nude photos? Ellen, please don't do this. Seriously. They would hire you for your looks and try to lure you into acting. This would be cheating and might be the end of our marriage." "Mike, Mike, Mike... Don't overreact. It means nothing and I surely don't plan to cheat on you. It's my dream to see a movie set. Don't worry, it's just about assisting. You can be totally relaxed about this thing. I'm yours alone and want to grow old with you." "Yeah, sure." She's not kidding anyone here and she knows it. And the worst thing is that she doesn't seem to care what I think about it. She doesn't even really try to sugarcoat it. xx ELLEN Why does he have to be so damn stuck up? I get the job of my dreams and all he does is to argue and sulk. Suspecting that I want to cheat on him, to fuck Ramon. Well, sure, I'd probably be tempted. But it won't happen, Ramon is a big star. But given the opportunity, it might happen. Of course, I don't tell Mike, he'd blow up like hell. He's annoying me anyway with his prudish behavior and childish jealousy. I mean, it's just porn, nothing serious. It has nothing to do with our relationship, with love, with real life. He seems so immature and obviously wants to see me stuck in that damn call center. Well, I have the opportunity to escape and I will take it. It's the chance of a life time. After another big argument I just pack my stuff and leave for L.A. Mike has really soiled what should have been a happy departure towards my dream job and a few weeks of fun. xx MIKE Shit. She has really left me to meet Gutierrez, to get fucked. Maybe to be a porn actress. I have tried everything. Threatened her, begged her, nothing has worked. She has just left me for three weeks of sex in L.A. with another man. Sure, she pretends to just work there as an assistant. That's why she's packed most of her sexiest clothes. Sure thing... I think I've already lost her. Shit. How did that happen? We were happy not too long ago. Weren't we? xx MIKE She calls - again. Why does she call me all the time? To assure me that she doesn't fuck anybody? Ridiculous. Every call hurts me. "Yes?" "Honey, Mike, it's me. How are you?" "Not good. My wife has left me." "Mike... please. Honey... not again. This is just a job, told you that. What we have is pure love. It's a completely different thing. Why do you keep sulking about it?" I remain silent. We've had this discussion before. Because you left me to cheat has been my standard answer to this. But I'm tired of it. Tired of her. Tired of this whole situation. "Mike?" "I'm here. I'm just tired of this. I don't know... Ellen... I really... Maybe I should just let go." I feel a massive sadness welling up inside me again. "What? What are you talking about? Anyway, good news. They're short of one female actor. I spontaneously decided to fill in." "Surprise, surprise. They hired you for this. And you went there for this. Let me guess - with Ramon Gutierrez?" "Yes, isn't that great?" "No! I doubt that our marriage will survive this." She just hangs up. And she doesn't call any more. xx MIKE Three long and sad days later she sends me a download link. That surprises me. I already know what I will find. Why does she want to rub my nose in her infidelity? To prove Gutierrez' superiority? To state that I'm worthless as a man, compared to him? What does she want to tell me with this? That we're done? I'm sure that it will be bad for my mental health, but I can't resist to watch it. It's called "Horny housewife sluts". Just great, such an inventive name. If it wasn't so sad, I would have laughed. And sure enough, it's her with Ramon Gutierrez. Just a standard scene. Sucking, vaginal fucking, sucking, cum shot into her beautiful face. Standard. Except for the fact that the slut he fucks this time is my wife. And the face he ejaculates into is the face I've kissed and loved for many years. It hurts to watch this. Despite my general repulsion and hurt I take my time to watch him closely for the first time. He's a big guy, muscular, with a handsome face. I'm just as big, maybe even a little bigger. I have broad shoulders, but I'm not as muscular. But I think I might not be less attractive. The main problem: His cock is enormously large. Longer than mine and thicker. I never thought that the bigger is better rule was true when it came to cocks. But his reproductive organ seems to attract her like mine obviously doesn't. The Porn Crisis So what are my advantages, compared to him? I don't have any. He's the perfect package for a woman. Good looking, large cock, a star, self-confident, probably rich. Yeah, self-confident. I've been that too. I clearly remember the time. I watch Ellen as he fucks her. She looks at him like a lovesick teenager. She blows him with a loving look on her sweet face, a look I haven't seen for a long time. The next scene shows him fucking her pussy and her ass, which I rarely get. She always said it's too painful but she obviously has no problem with his much larger cock. She's very vocal and seems to genuinely get off on it. Shit. This is bad. She's not acting. This really destroys me. She sucks his dick right after it's been in her ass. They make a point to show this scene without a cut. This is even worse. Of course, she never did anything like that for me. xx MIKE I'm still deeply in some kind of depression when I receive a text from her. It surprises me that she still cares enough to even contact me. "i ve been a big hit my orgasms are quite convincing maybe i ll do another movie" "do what you want. i'm not sure if i'll be here when you return anyway. you have already cheated. not in the spur of the moment, but in a planned way. i don't think we still have a marriage left." "wait. i'll come home asap." Meanwhile, I move my stuff into the spare bedroom. I'm still totally unsure how to react to all of this. I just see no outcome that seems appealing to me. I still love her but I also can't stand the cold and uncaring way she's treated me. The cheating. Her new porn addiction. Our missing intimacy. The mechanical sex. Me being pushed into some kind of female role in our relationship. This last thought makes me sick. xx ELLEN Shit, why does he take this so serious? It's been just harmless fun. Maybe it was a mistake to send him the link? But he would have seen the movie anyway if he wanted. "If we still have a marriage left?" That didn't sound good. Shit. Ramon was fantastic, as expected. But I don't want to lose my marriage over it. I'm in mild panic on my way home. The trip takes an eternity. I love Mike more than anything, although I have to admit that I might not have fully shown it recently. Yes, I've been a bitch towards him and he has endured it. He has suffered. Suddenly it all becomes clear. Why haven't I seen this? I'm fully determined to make it up to him. xx MIKE She returns home surprisingly . And even though I'm quite reserved, she showers me with affection. She's sweet and caring, tries to kiss and touch me all the time. My problem is - I just can't stand to touch her. I involuntarily jerk back when she does. I have to think of Ramon all the time. And I come up short in comparison. And I even feel a little repulsed of her body, although I still love her. I explain it to her and she seems very understanding. She promises to give me room and says that she loves me. I'm sad and depressed. I think that I have lost my lover, my companion and best friend. I still spend the lonely nights in the guest room. xx ELLEN Mike has finally relaxed a little after three long weeks of hard work. At least he touches me again and occasionally kisses me but he still seems aloof. Maybe it's time to talk about sex, we need to bring back our intimacy. I realize that I've been neglecting this aspect recently. A little dirty talk might be just the right thing. "Mike, do you like my boobs?" "Yes, very much so." "I think they're too small." Men love to talk about boobs. I hope this will do the trick and loosen him up a little. "Don't even think about it. If you want to enlarge them, it would be for more porn movies. I don't want that. And I hate fake tits. How they look, how they feel, they simply repulse me." Well, that didn't go well... he still doesn't trust me. Is he still that insecure? And he connects everything I do with porn. Have I caused this? He always was so strong and confident. "It would be just for you, baby. I thought you'd maybe like them a little bigger." "So you plan to do more movies and you need bigger tits for it?" "No, no. Honey... I... I never want to repeat this. Never again. This has hurt you too much. Sorry... Mike, I've been so dumb and insensitive. I was just swept away with the opportunity. And I had hoped you'd enjoy it too. That you'd be proud once you see the movie." "No, proudness is not exactly the right term to describe my feelings. Sickness, sadness, loss, humiliation. Ellen, I'm already unsure about marriage. I couldn't stay with you if you did more movies." "Okay. I'm really... Well, I'm so terribly sorry. You can trust me, it won't ever happen again. You know that I've never lied to you." Why does he always have to threaten with divorce? And I think we have a complete different view on sexuality meanwhile. Mine seems to be the male perspective, his the female. Weird. I like big boobs, he doesn't. I like porn, he doesn't. I separate sex from love, he doesn't. "So you don't like big boobs generally?" "The size doesn't really matter. The breast should be beautiful in itself, like yours are. I hate these bolted-on artificial looking ones. The nipples point in different directions, the shape is completely unnatural." "Oh, I think they look quite sexy. But of course, you decide this. You're the only one that will benefit from them in the future." "Yes, apart from the endless mass of wankers watching your movie." Shit. Everything I say backfires somehow. He's not making this any easier for me. He's really hurt more deeply than I had expected. I think the mountain I have to climb might be a big one. MIKE Ruin her boobs in such a porn-bimbo style? Is she crazy? But it seems that she might have come to her senses finally. Let's wait... xx ELLEN Four weeks without sex. This is hell. Porn is good, but I desperately need a cock. Mike's cock, to be more specific. Well, I have it right now in some way. It is right in my hand. It's just the state that it's in that makes the situation less than perfect. His dick is completely limp. "Why, Mike?" "I'm not sure about myself. If I still can satisfy you. And you had unprotected sex." "Okay, I'll get myself tested. And then I'm going to show you how much you satisfy me, stud." He genuinely seems unsure of himself, maybe the Ramon video has hurt him even more than I thought. Shit, I've had a self-confident man. Now I have a mental wreck. What have I done? What can I do? I don't want to lose him. xx MIKE The test results come up two weeks later. She's clean. Shit. I'm not exactly looking forward to what will inevitably happen now. She will initiate sex. Hard pounding, not slow love-making. Mainly to make a point. "See, they're professionals." "How did they know that you're clean?" She doesn't answer this. Instead she drags me into the bedroom. "Come on, big boy. I'm horny as hell." She sure blows me nicely. After I'm nicely hard, I enter her pussy and start to fuck her. And that's what it is, just fucking. No loving, slow cuddling any more. No intimacy, no emotions. A quick blow-job and then wham, bam. It seems to be just what she needs right now. Every male's dream, just not mine: uncomplicated sex. No foreplay or cuddling necessary. But that has exactly been what I've always enjoyed most and where my strengths have been. In the straight jackhammer-fucking competition I can only lose against Ramon. And now I have to think of Ramon again. How has he felt for her? Much bigger. Much better also? Probably. He has more muscles. And a lot more experience. And more self-confidence. She seemed to get off almost immediately. He certainly has filled her up a lot better than I can. Is size really important? It seems so. I notice that I've stopped fucking her at some point, lost in thought. I've already lost my erection, mostly. I'm ashamed, I can't satisfy her any more. I've really lost her to Ramon. I quickly get off her and roll over so she does not see how sad and ashamed I am. ELLEN Finally, I have him back in our bed again. Even have sex with him. I'm so relieved that I could cry. And the sex itself is nice. Not mind-blowing, like it has been with Ramon. But nice. And I love only him, not Ramon. I realize that before my penchant for porn, sex with Mike was as mind-blowing as it was with Ramon, although in a completely different way. It somehow isn't any more, we seem to have lost this fantastic sex. I can still have it, but only with Ramon? And only mediocre sex with Mike? That would be bad, I love only Mike. Maybe we can re-connect somehow. I will have to be patient and work on it. But - shit - he suddenly is somehow absent-minded. During sex? He even stops fucking me. You've got to be kidding. This has never happened to me. And even worse - I feel his erection is shrinking. Shit. He looks like a beaten dog, so very sad. He gets off me, turns away from me and buries his head into his pillow. Oh my, this is bad. What's going on? What have I done? This hasn't spiced up our sex life at all. He had always asked me not to do it. Shit... why have I been such a stubborn bitch? What do I do now? Cuddle with him? Or leave him some space? "Mike, I'm... I'm so... sorry. It seemed so exciting, just some innocent fun. You know... It's not worth endangering our marriage. Totally not. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it." He doesn't even answer. This is real bad. The problem is that sex with Ramon WAS exciting. And I'm afraid that I've shown it in the movie. That's why they wanted me to do another one. Mike has surely read my reaction correctly, he is not dumb or insensitive. This had to damage his self-esteem. What have I been thinking? "I know that I've hurt you and I'm really sorry now. I wouldn't have stood to watch you with a hot girl with bigger tits either. Give me some time, Mike. I'll try to repair it." "Okay," he quietly says, stands up and leaves for the guest room. Shit, what do I do now? xx ELLEN At breakfast, I almost don't dare to talk to him. But I have to do something. "You want to talk about it, honey?" I cautiously ask. "No. Not really, no. You know - this hasn't been my hour of honor exactly." "Honey? What have you been thinking of at this moment?" "Of... Well, of Ramon." "Oh, shit." "Yes. Oh, shit." We continue to eat in silence, in a sad mood. How can I repair this? I have no idea. Damn. xx ELLEN I try to make love to him again two days later. He simply refuses. Three days later he agrees to try but fails to have an erection altogether. "Honey, I've stopped watching porn." "Good for you." He seems so cold suddenly. This frightens me. "Aren't you happy about it?" "Ellen, I think the damage is already done. You've told me even before you left for L.A. that my cock is not big. Then you left me to make a porn movie against my will. Then I had to watch you having the orgasm of your life with this man and his enormous cock. How do you think I will ever have self-confidence again?" "Baby, you're a great lover. You always have been. Your cock is big enough." "Then why did you want to watch porn movies while we had sex?" "Mike... I don't know... It was... It was just kinky. Exciting. Something new." "And you watched Ramon on the screen instead of me. While we made love." Oh, shit. I did, didn't I? "I'm sorry." "I know, but that doesn't change what's happened. You were bored with me, you looked for added stimulation. And you received it while looking at Ramon fucking. Have you imagined being fucked by him while we had sex?" "Sometimes, yes. But it didn't mean a thing." "It did. Enough to let you actually go to L.A. and publicly cheat on me with Ramon." "Publicly? What? Yes, that's how it probably has looked from your perspective. Sorry. Really, I'm terribly sorry. For me it was just porn. It was only fiction. It wasn't connected to us. It had nothing to do with love or with our marriage. I had separated these things, as crazy as it might sound. This porn thing wasn't real life for me." "Well, your orgasms with him were obviously real life. He's handsome, his cock is huge, he got you off like I never could. How can I compete? Even if we stay together, our love making is already history. I can't do that without self-confidence." "Mike, you got me off very nicely before I started with this porn madness." "Maybe. But we both have changed since then. I doubt that I ever can compete with Ramon. With the image of Ramon in your mind. Or in my mind." "You can. But you don't have to, I love only you. I don't compare you to anyone. The porn just confused me." "Ellen, I'm totally destroyed and sad about it. But I think I will have to divorce you." What? Oh no! Panic starts to overwhelm me. "Mike! Mike, please don't! Mike! Don't leave me. Don't. I will somehow fix this. Give me some time. I will do everything I possibly can to make this work. Do you want to have sex with another woman to build up your confidence again?" "What would that change? If I could get hard with her, how would that change the problems I have with you? I would know that she won't compare me to Ramon, but you would. And if I can't have an erection even with her, I'm destroyed anyway." "Oh god, what have I done?" "You have destroyed my confidence as a man. My sexuality. Our marriage. Why did you have to send me this damn video?" "Sorry, that was probably a big mistake. I was just so delighted and proud at the time. How well my first take had gone and that I could compete with these girls. I did it for you, partially. To stimulate you, to flatter you. That you have a successful porn star as your wife. Who comes back to you and only you." "Well, that backfired." "Yes. Sadly. I think we can call that my brain-dead period. Mike... I don't want to lose you, you're everything to me. I... I shouldn't have gone to L.A. Or even have started watching porn at all. You always refused it and you were right." "Yes. I don't want to lose you either. But I already have." "Mike, please..." I start to sob now. "Mike..." He holds my hands, looking sympathetic. "I love you, Ellen. But I'm not man enough to keep you. You will always think of Ramon when we have sex. I will always think of him too. We both don't want it, but we have already lost each other. Our marriage won't work without sex. You need to find someone with a huge cock and then try to keep his confidence intact." "Mike..." is all I can get out between my sobs. "I'll do the paperwork tomorrow. Sorry." He just leaves the room. I break down completely now. My life is gone. The love of my life. My best friend. The man I wanted to have children and grow old with. xx MIKE It's the saddest thing I've ever done. But I actually file for divorce, rent an apartment and move my stuff there. She can keep our rented house and I agree to support her financially. She cries all the time, apologizes, tries to console me, offers sex, even tries to physically stop me when I finally leave. It's hard for me and we're both crying. I promise her that we'll stay friends. She promises that she'll never touch another man. I try to dissuade her from doing that but she seems adamant about it. xx ELLEN He's gone. Just like that. It's real, Ellen. He won't come back. He's gone for days now. I still talk to him occasionally, even if he's not there. I sometimes ask something, assuming he's right in the other room. Then I realize it again. He's gone. Our bed is so unbelievably cold and empty without him. The nights are the worst time. I feel so alone, so very lost without him. The whole world is moving on. People are laughing all around me, living their lives. Mine has come to a full stop. Nothing is happening. I can't move on, I don't have the motivation to do anything. I just sit at home, moping around. xx MIKE After I've left her, she tries to call me all the time. Sends me little text messages, Emails, letters, small presents. Telling me that she loves me and only me. That our sex before she started this porn madness was marvelous. At least as good as with Ramon. That she'll never watch porn again. Or touch another man. That the L.A. guys have contacted her and that she has refused. Finally, it stops completely. I'm sad. But I'm also glad because it's necessary for both of us. We can both move on now. For months all I do is work. And work out. I steel my body. I want to beat Ramon in at least one way. Not for her, but for me. I need to re-establish my confidence at least as a man, if not as a lover. I don't hear a word from Ellen and that suits me just fine. The problem is that even without having any contact with her, I think about her all the time. I think what she might be doing now. If she already has found another man. If she's lying awake in bed, like I do. I still love her. Damn. xx ELLEN I even try to watch porn again. I'm not in the mood for it at all, but maybe I can force myself to have a little relief. But watching it makes me physically sick. I just can't forget what I've lost because of it. The people on the screen are mindlessly fucking like animals, without real emotions. It's just completely hollow and worthless. It suddenly feels like the scum of humanity for me. Why have I driven away the love of my life for this empty shit? I have no idea, none at all. How could I have hurt him like that? What was my goal? What have I wanted to achieve? Spice up our sex? Make Mike proud that he has his own porn-star? No, Ellen, that's just absurd. I was just selfish, mindless, cruel, uncaring. That's the truth and this shitty movie mercilessly reminds me of that fact. I have to turn the crap off, it makes me sick. On a sudden impulse I dump it all into the garbage. Ellen, how in hell could you have been THAT stupid? Shit... I hear some noise in the living room. "Mike? Is that you?" I practically run over there. But there is nothing and nobody which even makes me feel more alone and afraid. Where did that noise come from? But maybe some mad serial killer would be just the solution I deserve. No, don't be silly, girl. You need to survive and get him back. But how? Maybe I should call him again? Can I stand the rejection again? I don't k. It might kill the small remaining part of my self-esteem. And I don't want to annoy him. Eat. Ellen, you have to eat. You can't lose even more weight. If you want to win him back, you can't look like a scarecrow. Doesn't matter what, just do it. Okay, ice cream maybe. Yuck! That's awful. Nothing seems to be tasty any more. I watch people passing by and I think I'm the loneliest person on Earth. And the dumbest. My doorbell. Yes! Finally. He's back. Mike! I jump up, full of energy and joy. I run to it and yank it open, ready to fly into his arms. Ramon is standing there. My knees go weak. xx MIKE Fantastic. A rainy day. This is just the weather I need. Not only does it match my mood perfectly, there is also no obligation to go outside and do all that happy stuff that people are supposed to do on sunny days. There is not much happy stuff happening in my life anyway by now. The love of my life is lost and I begin to question every aspect of my daily life. Why am I doing this? Why am I worrying about that? There is no reason, nothing to achieve, no ambitions. She's gone from my life. While I'm staring at the raindrops on my windows, wallowing in my depressed mood, my doorbell has the insolence to disturb me with that silly, happy and totally inappropriate tune. I open the door and have a small shock. A guy I only know too well is standing there. Ramon Gutierrez. He's standing in the rain, already quite wet and busy getting even wetter. But he's apparently totally unperturbed about it. The Porn Crisis "Are you Mike?" "Yeah. What do you want?" "Man, you have to help me." I realize that this guy is far from the arrogant prick I had to watch for so long. This Ramon Gutierrez version looks decidedly unhappy, maybe even despaired. Good. This matches my mood far better than the damn doorbell tune. "Seriously? I should help you? Why?" "I... need your help. I love Ellen. And you... well, you've apparently dropped her because of her porn take. You know... I felt bad about that first take right from the start. She... I don't know... She somehow didn't belong there. She's too classy for this... Man you know how beautiful she is. It was just so wrong. She's too witty, too charming. I mean, a simple porn take and then this walking dream appears? Come on... I sensed trouble right from the start. But how could I possibly refuse her? I was kind of immediately struck by her. She really took my breath away. I stayed near her whenever I could, I just couldn't resist her. "But then she suddenly left. Terrible, man... I just felt so... empty, alone. Can you believe it? A guy like me, hopping from girl to girl, suddenly love-sick? I... don't tell anybody... I even have problems to get hard with those fake titted dumb porn starlets meanwhile. It's... it's just so empty and meaningless. And I was sick of playing that dumb macho fucking machine anyway. I had decided to become a producer for quite some time and this was going to be one of my last movies as an actor anyway. "And you know what? Along comes my dream woman. And leaves again immediately. Man... it's just not fair. "So I hired a P.I. to find her. It didn't take him long and I came here immediately. I was so happy and so full of expectation when I stood at her door. But she just greeted me coldly. That really hurt. I had hoped that we had something special. I pleaded and I begged to be let inside. Man, can you imagine that? I, Ramon Gutierrez, pleading. That's how desperate I've been. Still am, by the way. She finally let me in and offered me a coffee. A small victory at least. "So I offered her everything I had. To take her to L.A., give her a good contract as a porn actress. She would have been a star. But she just refused. I... I couldn't believe it. I had rolled out the big guns, to no avail. Then I offered her to come to L.A. as my woman. As my wife, possibly. Man, I actually proposed to her, imagine that, I hardly know her at all. I also offered her a good contract in the industry, but not as an actress. Again, she politely refused. "I was desperate and tried to seduce her. I was certain that she wouldn't refuse my cock. But she did. She just brushed me off like a damn fly. Can you believe it? That's... man... that's been a blow to my ego. Unbelievable. "Then I suggested that I move here and we... well, live here, together. To make it as easy for her as possible. You see, I was actually willing to give up my career for her. She just flatly refused again. Then I said that I could just move here and we could just casually date from time to time. See where it might lead, without pressure. Can you believe it? She refused even that. I finally asked her why. And she told me something truly terrible. Something that really destroyed me. She told me she's still your woman. So I said that I could wait until your divorce is final. She refused again, saying that she would remain your woman, even after the divorce. Can you believe that shit? I fall in love for the first time and of all women it has to be such a weirdo?" "Wow." "Yeah, wow. Shit... Mike, you don't want her. You see... release her. Let her go. You just have to. Please. I... you see... I need to have her. And I can't get her until you set her free." He's suddenly chuckling a little. "This is so bizarre. And this is not fair. This dream woman is still yours, but you don't want her. Please Mike, give me a chance here." "No." "No?" He's soaking wet meanwhile, but doesn't seem to care in the least, clearly having other, more important things on his mind. But it somehow makes me uncomfortable although I'm perfectly dry. This is my supposed enemy, but it still feels wrong. He's just a poor sucker, like me. "Okay, come in." I offer him a coffee. I look at the man that I supposedly know so very well. But I realize I only know his porn personality, this assertive macho guy is just a role he plays. I'm currently looking at a hurt and broken man. Just some regular, vulnerable man in love with a woman he can't have, just like me. "I know that I can't blame you, Ramon. You were just an actor and you did your job. I can't even blame you for falling in love with Ellen. I know which kind of effect she has on men. I can't even blame you for trying to make her yours as I had already filed for divorce. "But you surely don't expect me to help you, right? Unknowingly, you've been my greatest enemy for months. You were my nemesis." "Mike. I've done nothing wrong. I don't know about your feelings for her, but I really love her. She's my dream woman and I'd do anything for her. Please, you need to help me." So here we are - two unhappy men loving the same woman. No one can have her, as it seems. She doesn't want him. I can't live with her. Shouldn't the fact that she has refused him fill me with joy? With hope maybe? To be honest, I feel a little better indeed. Obviously, his abilities in bed were not sufficient to convince her. Or mine haven't been as inferior as I had assumed. Maybe she really prefers me over him? Is there some hope after her mindless betrayal? I have to try to chase these thoughts from my mind. I don't want to be filled with false hope. I realize that we are just sitting here, both deeply lost in thought. Ramon suddenly starts to cry, stands up and almost runs towards the door, muttering something like "have to go, mistake" and is gone before I even have the chance to be embarrassed. I can't say that I'm very sorry that he's gone. The situation was quite awkward. I'm just sorry for me for having my head filled to the brim with Ellen again. But luckily it's still raining and I can continue to watch the drops and cultivate my sadness. xx MIKE His visit has the dreaded effect, Ellen is totally dominating my mind again for a few days. I still think that leaving her was the best decision rationally. But emotionally, I haven't come to grips with it. The thought of dating other women hasn't even crossed my mind. I need some time alone to make up my mind before I can move on. xx ELLEN There he is. My dream man. I admire him as he's standing there, tall and handsome. I see more than one woman ogling him, but he doesn't even notice it. Okay, Ellen. Go ahead. Do it. MIKE I realize that I'm staring at this zucchini for quite some time now. Sooner or later I will have to decide if I want to buy it or not. The problem is that my mind is everywhere, but not in this grocery store and certainly not focused on this damn zucchini. Okay, just get over it. I turn around to place it into my cart as someone bumps into me. "Oh, sorry," I say reflexively, while I turn around. It's her. Ellen. She's standing directly in front of me, only inches away. Those piercing blue eyes look deeply into my heart. Her smell is intoxicating. She looks breathtaking. Stunning. So desirable. We look at each other for an eternity. I feel my erection building. I'm hot for her. I miss her. I want to ravish her. I look into her beautiful eyes and I see her love for me, her need to set this right. She seems so open, sincere and more matured. This suddenly fills me with joy and hope. It makes the past few months fade away. This is my soul-mate, my true love, the woman I want to spend my life with. Everything else is just noise, totally insignificant. I don't want this moment to end. Not ever. I need to have her. Now. Forever. ELLEN He's just looking at me. What does that mean? I feel my insides melt, my knees go weak and my pussy getting wet. God, I want this man so very bad. I just hope he won't reject me or just run away. I wouldn't survive this. But he keeps looking deep into my eyes and I realize that the feeling is still there. The deep love we've both shared, our special connection. It might even be stronger than ever. And I see that he feels the same way. I wish he would just take me and ravish me here on these damn vegetables. This is a magical moment, but still I need it to end. We need to formalize our reunion and there's only one way to do it. And this store surely isn't the right place for it. "Mike, let's go. I need you. Now." "Yes," he simply says. Can this really be true? He wants to come with me. Yes! That's far better than I've dared to hope for. Everything might work out now. It just has to. The first ray of hope after all these shitty months. Yes! We need to get out of here. I need to get him inside of me. Every second counts now. I have the chance to get my man back and I won't fuck this up, never again. MIKE We practically run to my apartment, which is very close. I'm amazed how quick she is in her high heels. She's even dragging me along. She's never been here, but she doesn't even look around. Her need for me seems to be stronger than female curiosity, which tells me a lot. I drag her into my bedroom and we both get rid of our clothes in a frenzy. ELLEN Oh my, is that true? Is that hunk I'm seeing really my Mike? He looks like he's just stepped out of an underwear catalogue. But it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. I just need to consummate our reunion now. I jump onto his simple bed without losing sight of him for a second. Nothing is important now, only Mike. My man. MIKE She doesn't suck me, I don't lick her, we just immediately start to fuck. I totally fuck her brains out. Not in the straight, jackhammer style, but by gently stimulating her clitoris with the root of my cock. By kissing and caressing her. By gently teasing her nipples. And she orgasms hard, twice. Which is unheard of. I've never seen her having two orgasms in a row, not even with Ramon. And I know that they are not faked - Ellen is too honest for that and I feel her muscles contract in that special way. That thought makes me even hotter and I come, too. In the end, cock size might be less important than I've imagined. We stay locked in our embrace and she starts to cry. And then she laughs, still crying. And I feel good, too. ELLEN Oh, my god, it has really worked. I'm so happy that I could burst. In the end it was almost ridiculously easy. Just go there, bump into my man, look at him, let him fuck me silly. And boy, did he do that. That was by far the best sex since I've started with this damn porn addiction. Maybe the best I've ever had. The months of separation have surely helped. I think we both have been so horny that we might as well have exploded at the slightest touch. Everything else just didn't matter. "I love you, Mike." That's all that needs to be said right now. "I love you too, Ellen." "I haven't been with a man since you left me. And I have dumped all my porn movies." "Good." He doesn't tell me if he's been with other women. I doubt it, but it doesn't matter. I'd fuck him even if he has a bunch of STDs and two sluts clinging to him. "Mike?" "I haven't been with someone either." "Oh, good. But you would have had any right to do it. That wasn't what I wanted to ask." "Okay?" "Mike, would you consider re-marrying me some day? I'd do anything you want. I won't deny you anything in bed. I will have as many children as you want. I will be your devoted and submissive stay-at-home wife. No porn. No fantasy about other men." "No." Oh, no, no, no. Shit. It's been so good. I feel my eyes watering. Have I lost him, despite this wonderful evening? "I can't. Bigamy is illegal here. And I'm still married. To you." "What?" Joy pours through me. "I've stopped the divorce months ago. Even if I believed back then that we would never reconcile. But I couldn't stand it. It seemed too final. I couldn't stand to lose you." "Oh, Mike. Thanks. What I just said is still valid. You won't regret taking me back." "I know. Tonight you have convinced me. I can satisfy you." "Oh, you can. Next time we'll do the slow, tender love making again, with foreplay and everything. I've missed it. And by the way - I enjoy your improved body. But I don't need it. I loved you as you were before." "Yes, but I wanted to compete with him in at least one way." "You don't have to, he's way beneath you. Okay, let's pack your stuff." "What?" "You have to get out of this shabby hole. Back home, where you belong. Into our bed." xx MIKE We approach our old house and Ellen alleviates my somehow tense feelings about this by clinging to me and showering me with small kisses all the time. As we round the last corner, I get a nasty surprise. It causes a knot of apprehension in my stomach. But maybe this confrontation is for the best. We all can clear the table finally and I will know where we really stand. Ramon is waiting for us. He looks terrible, even worse than on the day he visited me. He's unkempt, his eyes are puffy and red, he's unshaven, his clothes look like he slept in them. He looks like a bum, a sad bum. Somehow, he has lost all his magic. I just hope Ellen feels the same. He might look sad and broken, but he's still some kind of threat to me. "Ellen, honey, there you are. Ellen, I've... I've missed you so much. I just needed to see you. We need to... I don't know... We..." He sounds terrible. His voice is hoarse and wavering, I almost pity him. Well, almost. "Ramon!" She doesn't seem pleased to see him, that much is clear. It's seeping from her voice and her posture. "Ramon, what are you doing here? I thought we had clarified everything." "Ellen,... please. We need to talk. I need... Ellen, everything has just gone wrong. Can't you see... Ellen, I love you." "Yes, you've mentioned that." Wow, is that my Ellen? She sounds so very cold. This guy seems to seriously annoy her. I'm just glad that I'm not in his shoes, I couldn't stand this if the roles were reversed. My dream woman appearing with my rival and rejecting me? That's bad. But she has driven me through hell as well. Ellen surely has the power to destroy men and I'm just glad I'm not on the receiving end of this ability this time. "Ellen. Mike... he doesn't love you. I don't think... You won't be happy with him. Ellen... I promise to make you happy. You will be the world's happiest woman, I promise." I want to object, but I sense that Ellen regards this as her own battle. She might be right about that. She has started this shit, her mindless sex has awakened these feelings in the poor guy. He's as much a victim here as I am. But I have her and I'm just glad how this has turned out. "Listen, Ramon. I'm really sorry that the sex we've had in L.A. led you to believe that there's more going on between us. But there isn't and it was a bad mistake anyway. This will lead to nothing, we won't ever be together. There is only one man I will ever have sex with and this man is Mike. I will do all I can to keep him now that I've finally won him back. There isn't the slightest chance for you in this. I'm sure you can have any woman you want. But you just can't have this one. I hope I'm not unclear somehow." "No, Ellen... Ellen, please remember the fantastic time we've had in L.A. You couldn't get enough of my cock. You know it. Everybody saw it. We're just made for each other. I'm better than he ever will be. He just doesn't have the equipment. Unless his dick suddenly starts to grow, he won't ever satisfy you like I can. You know I'm the better lover." Talking about his dick seems to have re-established some of his old self-confidence. "Yes, you have a bigger dick. But I'm sorry, Mike is the better lover. That's a huge difference. He just got me off like you never could. One thing is - he's the love of my life. That's a strong aphrodisiac that you can't hope to match. And the other thing - he cares about me and takes his time to get me off with just the right movements. You never bothered to think about that because you assumed you never had to. You think your big dick is God's gift to womankind and making it available for worshiping should be enough. Don't get me wrong, sex with you was fun. That much was quite obvious. A big part of it was the thrill of actually starring in a porn movie. And of having sex with the man I had kind of idealized during my brain-dead porn period. But it was just plain sex, it was never intended to be anything else. Being with Mike is about love, that's a huge difference. The problem is that it took me far too long to finally wake up and realize this. I've almost lost the love of my life and I will devote the rest of my days to make it up to him. Ramon, you're an attractive man. But for me, you don't stand a chance against Mike." He looks like he has just received a physical blow. I'm briefly afraid that he will sink to his knees or find another way to embarrass himself, but he just turns around and leaves without another word. "Poor guy." "Mike, I doubt he really loves me. He just can't handle the fact that there's a woman around he can't have. He's not used to rejection." "No, I think he loves you. He talked to me and he sounded sincere." "I think he believes that he loves me but I doubt he really does. He can't possible have come to love me that quickly, he hardly knows me. And sex isn't enough for the depth of feelings he pretends to have. I just think he led an emotionally empty life in L.A. and he mistakes the first infatuation he feels for love. His emotional development is that of a teenager. He has prolonged his wild phase and I think he wants to settle for something more serious now. And I was just the first possible victim for this new stage in his life." "Oh, I'm not so sure. All of that is probably true. But you have this kind of attraction on men, don't ever underestimate this. You're almost impossible to resist." "Thank you, kind sir. But even if it's true, the male population will have to get used to it. I'm yours alone now, like I should have been all along. I don't care about him anyway, he's a part of my past. A shameful part of my brainless period. You're my future and I'd like to start it right now. In our bedroom." "No complaints here." xx And that's what we did. And I have never regretted it.