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Marriage in Flames

By: Daniellekitten



Did you ever have someone push your buttons to the point that you were staring into the face of doing something you'd never thought you would do?

Well, that's where I am right now, staring at three cans of gasoline that I'm getting ready to load into the trunk of my car. I can't believe I let him push me to the point that I'm willing to take this chance. 

Yes I can. I should have known better, I should have realized that he would pull this on me. It wasn't the first time, not even the second. The only excuse that I could offer as to why I kept letting him do it was love.

Stupid excuses. I'm beginning to wonder if there actually is such a thing as love. I mean, if you think about it, I gave up cigarettes and it about killed me, maybe love is just an addiction like that. No, I didn't think my heart was being yanked out of my chest through my toes when I quit smoking but it did hurt and it was hard.

Anyway, on to the reason I'm standing outside my home at 2 am, my two beautiful little girls sound asleep in their beds, staring at this gasoline. His name, Colin.

I met Colin when I was 24 years old. I was in the process of a divorce from my first husband, a man who thought that wife and punching bag were one and the same. I'd walked out on him, my nine month old daughter in my arms, and began the long process of finding my self esteem once more. It wasn't easy, considering he had his friends following me, calling me at all hours with creepy threats, knocking on my windows while I huddled on the floor in my daughter's bedroom, trying not to scream.

He killed my dog, leaving it for me to find, tried to run me off the road, and when that didn't work, tried to terrify me with notes left everywhere, even inside of my house. I became almost a prisoner in my home, scared to go anywhere. I was trapped there, until my mother offered to send me back to college to finish up my degree.

Now why did that make a difference? Well, I was getting out, meeting people, going back to the college I had started at before I'd gotten married the first time. And I loved going to school. So I went back amid all the 18 and 19 year olds, feeling ancient at 24.

I made friends, I gained more confidence, and my first husband's domination over me slowly evaporated. When I quit fearing him so much, he seemed to stop doing half of what he'd been doing. I still got the calls and the knocks on the windows. But I wasn't as scared as that was all they were, attempts to scare me.

I met Colin a third of the way through the spring semester. He was taking a nap at his friend's apartment, working nights and going to school during the day, he slept where he could. His friend was my friend's brother, and I happened to have given her a ride home that day. She invited me in, thinking she could set something up between her brother and I.

I saw Colin, lying in another man's bed, a stupid yellow Hawaiian shirt on and it was like getting slapped in the face. I managed to make somewhat intelligible conversation and the left quickly. He bothered me, besides being really cute, he was smart and funny. And he seemed attracted to me.

Now, I'm no dog, being five seven, around one hundred and thirty pounds with dishwater blonde hair that I kept cut pretty short and big gray eyes that have always been one of my best features. I'd worked hard to lose the weight I gained during my pregnancy, mostly because my first husband would beat me if he thought I'd been eating too much. And the habits that were so well learned during my short time as his wife, well, they were hard to unlearn.

But, I was five years older, married and getting divorced with a kid. What nineteen year old college boy wants to get involved with that?

Colin did. He found me the next day and started a slow and gentle campaign to win my heart. He was always careful not to scare me, never even wrestling with me until I became comfortable with him. He was understanding and sweet and so totally different from the man that I had married before, I was seeing little cartoon hearts fluttering around my eyes before we'd dated over two months.

And he seemed to feel the same way, asking me to marry him before that two month time period. I quickly said, no way in hell, which he laughed at and told me that he'd wait. He moved in with me, even though he had his own house, which his older sister was now living in. And, as soon as he did, the threats stopped, the noises and phone calls quit. I felt like God had opened up a tiny piece of heaven just for me. 

Colin took on knight in shining armor status, especially with my daughter. She loved him, climbing on his lap, bring her books and her blankets and then settling in to be read to. She listened to him better than she did me and she started calling him "Da". 

We had an amazing sex life, long marathon sessions where he'd have me panting and feeling the next day as if I'd taken advanced Yoga and learned to wrap my ankles behind my head. I actually think we tried that one time. Sex with him was wonderful and inventive and he always wanted me to be myself, to enjoy what we did.

Colin's parents lived a couple hours drive south from where we were living and he'd take weekends and go down to visit, occasionally taking me with him. I loved his family; they opened up their hearts to me and to Cassie, my daughter. I thought there would be tension, the married woman their son was sleeping with, the one with the daughter who wasn't even divorced yet. And on top of that, I was five years older than him. But instead, there was acceptance as Colin's girlfriend. And Cassie earned herself a new pair of grandparents. 

I helped Colin find a job after he graduated college, using my secretarial skills to write him a cover letter and a resume and sending them throughout the entire state of Michigan. He'd graduated with a degree in Criminal Justice, passing everything with straight As. And the job interviews started flooding in. He went everywhere, from Marquette, all the way at the top of the upper peninsula, to Adrian, down by the Ohio/Michigan border.

Finally, he was offered a job in the Upper Peninsula and we decided he should take it. He went, begging me to come up there with him. When I agreed, which meant selling my house, leaving my family and moving three hundred miles from everything I knew, he decided we should get married. We'd been living together for over a year, my divorce was finally going to be finalized, after as much hemming and hawing as my first husband could do, and the man I loved was moving away. What could I say but yes?

In six weeks time I put together a wedding. It wasn't big long beautiful dresses and tuxes, doves being let loose at the "I dos", bands and caterers. It was family and friends, a small reception held in an old school house with a DJ. We spent our honeymoon at a Holiday Inn where I used to party when I was younger. And when the three days were up, he went back up north and I started the daunting process of packing and getting ready to move six hours away.

The move went pretty smoothly, considering that it could have been worse. We found a two bedroom apartment and I settled in to be his wife. He didn't want me to work because we'd talked about having kids right away. So two months after the wedding, I threw away the birth control pills and we started having hot monkey sex anytime we could. It was incredible, three or four times a night, and if he was working nights, nap times for Cassie were spent heating up the sheets.

Our daughter, Katie, was born five days after our first anniversary. We bought a house and moved in, Colin worked as a city policeman. He'd work four days, have three days off, work five days have two days off and then work five days and have either four or six days off depending upon the month. But he had to work a week of days, a week of evenings and a week of midnights every month.

When he would be working midnights I had to keep the kids quiet so he could sleep during the day. Anyone who's been around children knows how hard that can be with a toddler and a five year old. I started going down to see my mom and dad for a few days every month, taking the kids and usually the dog, with me. That gave Colin his sleep and gave my parents time with their grandchildren whom they both loved.

It wasn't a perfect existence; we fought, usually over money and bills. But then again, what couple doesn't fight over those things. Colin once showed me an article that stated that most married fights were either about the children or money. And we did both. But beside that, I thought we were pretty happy. I adjusted to his schedule, making sure meals were ready when he'd come home for dinner or get up to get ready for work. His days off, we spent mostly together except for special occasions such as deer hunting season. 

Then I started getting the phone calls. 

"Hello."

"Yes, could I speak to Colin please," a strange woman's voice, no one I knew.

"I'm sorry, he isn't home right now. Could I take a message?"

"Is he at work?"

"Yes, he'll be home in about an hour for dinner if you'd like to have him give you a call back."

"Ahhh, who is this?"

"This is his wife."

Silence for a moment.

"Ahh, no, I'll get a hold of him later."

And the line would go dead.

The first call I laughed off. Somebody from work, the courthouse maybe on a court case, it could have been anyone. It'd happened before. Colin was a cop; he had a lot of responsibilities. He took his job and his family life seriously. He wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that.

Or would he?

I got another call a few weeks later. This time the girl actually said she was from the courthouse. That might have worked at dismissing any misgivings that I had except she'd called on a Saturday. I may have been an innocent wife, but not even I was going to let that slip.

I asked him.

Now, maybe I was naïve. I've always been taught that if you can't have faith and trust in your husband then who can you That faith had been betrayed once, and in violent and terrible ways. But Colin had never hurt me, he'd never struck me or called me a slut or whore. He'd never belittled me in front of the children or dragged me into my daughter's bedroom by my hair and raped me in front of her. He'd always been respectful and I thought, honest.

He told me about how the guys go to this coffee shop every night for coffee. How there was one of the workers there who flirted with him, even after he told her he was married and not interested. And then he proceeded to tell me how his partner, Chris had given the girl our phone number.

I'd had a hard time believing that Chris would do something like that, only having just gotten married himself, but I'd been taught, believe and have faith in your husband.

A few months went by and there were no more calls. I let things go thinking that maybe it had all happened as Colin had said.

He was working an afternoon shift and it was late summer just starting to turn colder. The leaves were changing colors, the apples were attracting the deer to come down from the hills around us and eat right out of our side yard. It was one of my favorite times up there. Cold enough for sweaters, warm enough to enjoy the outside.

Colin was working an afternoon shift and I heard him stirring upstairs. I went into the kitchen and heated him up some soup and made him a sandwich. He came downstairs and gave me a kiss and then there was a knock at the door. Colin answered it and went outside, still dressed in his bathrobe.

I looked out the window and saw him sitting in this car. I didn't know the man in the driver seat but that was okay, there were a lot of people that he worked with that I didn't know. After an hour and a half, I put a lid on the soup kettle and wrapped up his sandwich and then sat inside and waited.

I put Barney on for the kids, dealing with the too sweet, dopey lyrics as Cassie sang along and Katie cooed and ahhed at the TV. I found myself pacing a trail into the floor, from the family room with the girls to the kitchen window where I could see Colin sitting outside. Finally, I heard the dog barking and heard Colin open the door. I got up and went to him.

"Everything okay?"

He smiled but his face looked a little green, and his eyes didn't smile. He took my hand and led me into the living room away from the kids where they were still watching Barney.

"Kelly," he said slowly, sitting down on the footstool of the chair I was sitting in and grabbing my hand. "I'm not sure how to go about telling you this."

"Just tell me, Colin." I tried to sound calm but inside I was scared. I had this feeling that my entire world was about to burst into flames.

"That man that was just here, he is a detective with the Sheriff's department. He came to tell me about some charges that are being brought against me."

"Charges? What kind of charges?" My mind was flying over the past few weeks of his work, trying to remember any incident that he had told me about that could have caused this.

"Assault charges, Kelly." He kissed the back of my hand and stared into my eyes. "I need you to listen to me, baby. Listen carefully."

"Okay."

"About a week ago, I was on my way up to the Big Boy in town to get a cup of coffee; I was supposed to meet a couple of the other guys up there. I happened to see one of the waitresses from the restaurant pulling into her driveway. She had the game cheat sheets on that new game we bought and said I could borrow them, remember, I told you about that?"

I nodded, not seeing how this could add up to assault.

"Well, I pulled in behind her and we talked and she said she'd get them for me, invited me in. So I went. She handed me the sheets and I was about ready to leave when I saw her cat, which started rubbing around my legs. I stooped down to pet the cat and lost my balance. I reached out and grabbed the first thing to keep from falling, and it was her leg."

"You grabbed her leg," I said slowly. "Grabbed it where?"

He reached out and grabbed a hold of my calf, just below my knee. "Like this."

"Okay, and?" I stared at him confused.

"Well, she told her boyfriend that I grabbed her and he made her take it to the chief. But she told a few lies. She said that I came on to her, that I didn't grab her calf but her thigh and ran my hand all the way up to her crotch." His eyes never left my face.

"Why would she say those things?"

"I don't know for sure." He sat back and ran his hand through his hair. "I can only figure it's because of her boyfriend. I busted him for possession. Maybe this is his way of getting even."

"So did you tell them this?"

He sighed and I felt another nail being taken out of the foundation of our home life. "It's not that easy, Kel. She's throwing a fit and wants to press charges. I've been given a choice of what I can do."

He shut up and looked away from me. I could see his eyes, how upset he was and I vowed to stand behind him. "So what are we going to do, honey?" I asked softly.

He turned back to me and stared as if stunned. "We?" he asked.

"Yeah, we are kind of in this together. I mean, for better or for worse, right?"

Colin leaned forward and gave me a huge hug. When he leaned back, he whispered in my ear. "Thank you."

I smiled. "So what are our choices?"

"Well," he said, sighing deeply. "We can stay; I go on leave pending court findings. I get arrested, we have to come up with money for an attorney and we stay and fight this."

"Or?"

"I resign, effective immediately."

I sat back in the chair, my mind in turmoil. Lawyers, court hearings, accusations. Would he be able to work here when this whole thing was finished? Would this scandal ruin his career here? And what about the kids? What would happen at Cassie's school?"

But on the other end of it, where would they go? What would they do? 

"And what do you want to do, honey?" I waited, holding my breath silently to find out what our future would hold.

"I think I should resign," he said softly.

A surge of resentment filled me, not for him, but for the woman who was causing our problems. There was no way my good and decent husband could have caused the kind of things that this woman was saying and now, because of her, my children and my husband and I were looking at an uncertain future.

Colin reached out and touched my hand gently, making me realize that I was clenching my fist so hard my knuckles were white. "Honey?" he asked quietly.

"Yes, I don't want you arrested. Resign and we'll just have to make a plan." I looked up at him, sitting on the footstool in his old ratty green bathrobe that I'd never been able to get him to get rid of. "Who is this woman?"

He knew me well and started shaking his head as soon as I asked. "No, Kelly. No way. You can't go near her. It would just get me in worse trouble." He grabbed my hands in both of his. "Promise me you'll stay away from her."

I promised, but I did it resentfully. I couldn't help but want some revenge on this woman who was lying, who was hurting my family. Instead, I forced myself to pack, going through kids clothing, toys, books, everything we owned with an eye to the fact that we wouldn't have a huge three bedroom house to live in anymore. We would have to downsize drastically, putting our possessions that we couldn't fit into our new home into storage.

Our new home? After much debating with parents, his and mine, we decided to live in a travel trailer for the time being. It was parked outside mys home, sewage, water and electricity being provided by them. We even tapped into their phone line. We moved the two girls, our two dogs and one cat and my husband and I into this tiny trailer.

It was a tight fit, the four of us, Cassie was a first grader and Katie was almost three and a half. All I can say is thank God for Barney and Legos. Katie would watch TV, a Barney tape and play with those Legos until her sister got home from school. It was cold in the winter, but we laughed about it. Colin and I would play rock, papers, scissors to see who would have to get in bed first to warm it up. Shoes froze next to the door and stuck to the carpeting. The cat found out that she could sneak under our covers and get between us and sleep under all the blankets.

But we managed. Colin got different jobs, nothing lasting really long as he tried to find a place he fit. We sold one of our two cars, and had the money from his pension plan that they cashed out for him. I cut coupons and learned to make things stretch. We paid the payment on the trailer, our phone, heat and electric bill and gave my mother a little money every month for other things.

Then my father got very ill. He had a heart attack earlier and had a quadruple by-pass done. He never really recovered from it. He seemed to get sicker and sicker until they finally had to rush him in for emergency surgery when his gall bladder went bad. He had problems with his breathing, and had problems walking further than the bathroom and back to his chair.

I got the phone call that we'd better get up there if we'd wanted to say good-bye. And we flew over the roads. A trip that would usually take almost two hours, we made in just a little over one. We got to the hospital and the doctors said they'd pulled him through another bad patch. I remember looking in my sister's eyes and thinking, what's next?

We sold the house. We had to go back up north and sign the papers. Colin and I left the girls with his mother and started the trip. Since we'd be going right by the town where my dad was in the hospital, I asked if we could stop and see him. 

When we got there, we were running late, and I told Colin to forget it, we could stop on our way home tomorrow, since we'd be spending the night in a hotel before signing the papers in the morning. Dad would be home then, from what mom said and we could stop there and visit with them.


Marriage in Flames



We stayed in the honeymoon suite at a small motel off of US 2 right off of Lake Michigan. I could hear the lake making ice at night, groaning and grumbling out side the windows of our room. It wasn't much but it did have a big beautiful heart shaped tub. I filled it, pouring in a little bath gel to make bubbles. When it was full, I stripped, throwing my shirt at Colin who stood watching me with a smile on his face.

When I was naked, I wiggled my finger at him and stepped into the tub, staying on my knees in the hot soapy water.

In the time since he'd resigned from being a cop, Colin had lost about thirty pounds, donut fat I liked to call it. Too much eating and riding around in cars all day long had taken the sexy man I had married and turned him into the Pillsbury Dough Boy. He'd changed that, helping his dad outside the farm they lived on and working with trucks at his new job. He wasn't the same man I'd seen in that bed almost five years ago, but he was close.

I unbuttoned his shirt, pulling it free of his pants and letting him take it off of his arms. I ran my hands over his lightly furred chest and down over his stomach pulling his belt free before undoing his pants. He kicked out of his shoes and tore off the rest of his clothes. Living in the trailer had given us very little privacy and we'd gotten used to being quick and quiet. Tonight was a night for neither.

He climbed into the tub next to me and sat on the edge, spreading his legs so that I could get between them. I ran my soapy, wet fingers up his thighs, tracing little patterns against his skin. When I reached his groin, I looked up at him, making sure he was looking in my eyes before I ran my tongue over my teeth and along my bottom lip, smiling just a little before laving a tiny lick of my tongue across the head of his cock that was standing at attention. 

He groaned and tangled his hand in my hair, caressing the back of my head. His eyes watched avidly as I took him in my mouth, suckling down the long length of his cock before coming back up to the head to swirl my tongue around the tip. I wrapped my hand around his shaft, stroking it gently while I played, doing my own thing despite his growls and groans.

I felt him swell in my fingers, his shaft jumping under my hand and I captured his lovely purple tinged head in my mouth. His growl turned into a loud groan as he shot his ropes of creamy come into my mouth, making me smile and almost pull away. It had been so long since we didn't have to be quiet to keep from waking the kids and it felt so good to be together.

He pushed me back into the water and I laughed as he sank down on top of me, kissing me while his hands roamed at will.

"You haven't done that for a while."

"You always get too noisy when I do that," I couldn't help smiling at him even while his hands made their torturously slippery way over my body, driving me nuts.

He pulled me over him and I felt his cock brush against the inside of my thigh. I raised one eyebrow at him, smiling at his quick recovery and then groaned myself when he pushed inside of me in one swift move. His hands on my thighs, he dragged me down on him, laughing as my eyes crossed in pleasure. I quickly leaned forward and nipped him on the nose and he laughed at me again, grabbing my wrists as we played and fucked in the heart shaped tub.

Soon there was more water on the floor then in the tub and we were both exhausted. He got out and dried off and I filled the tub again, my penchant for loving long hot baths well known to him by now. He went in and got in the huge bed, hitting the remote to turn on the TV. I laughed as I heard loud moaning coming from the speakers and he started giving me a play by play of the action on the TV. 

The night passed too quickly and soon we had to get up and get on our way to make our nine a.m. appointment. The paperwork went easily and we got our check and then went to the bank to pay a few bills, you could actually pay electric and heating bills at the bank then. We decided to take off for home and stop right before the Mackinaw Bridge to get something to eat.

When we reached the restaurant I called my mom's house to see if Dad had come home or was still at the hospital. My brother, Steve, answered the phone which surprised me.

"Kelly, I don't want you freaking out, okay. Just take it easy and don't freak out on me, okay?"

"Yeah, sure, Steve. What's up?"

"Dad's dead."

I felt a sense of surrealism settle around me, standing as I was in the small alcove where they had a phone. The restaurant was busy with families eating and laughing and I was listening to my brother on the phone telling me that my father was dead.

"Kelly? Damn it. Kelly?"

"I'm here." 

"They are taking his body down state, he wanted to be buried in Monroe. We're all going down tonight."

"Okay. Um, I'll tell Colin and we'll be down as soon as we can." I said good-bye, or at least I thought I did.

I was almost to our table when it hit me. It felt like someone took a cartoon balloon fist full of anvils and slammed it into my stomach. Colin looked up and he must have noticed the surprised pained look on my face.

He got out of his chair and headed toward me, wrapping his arm around me. "Kel, what's wrong?"

"My dad's dead," I said. And the whole restaurant went quiet. I could hear the clatter of utensils against plates as people stared at me. Colin grabbed my coat and the check and got me out of there, sitting me in the passenger side of the car while I rocked and held my stomach feeling like I'd never breathe again.

The rest of that week was a blur, funeral preparations, being with the family, helping my middle sister who was a complete basket case. It seemed I finally woke up the day we finally came home after burying my father. I was sitting on the small couch in the tiny living area of the trailer watching a movie on the California earthquake, the big one that had flattened out a bridge on top of a bunch of cars. I remember because there was an older man trapped in one car, his hair was white and his face tanned and lined, looking kind of like my dad. I watched as he died and finally felt the tears stream down my eyes. 

My wonderful husband was in bed. I heard him roll over and then heard his voice.

"Aren't you done with that yet?"

It was like being slapped in the face. As a matter of fact, I think I would have preferred the slap. At least with the slap, the pain is gone in a couple of hours. This pain, the hurt of his not caring about my mourning, stayed a lot longer. I still couldn't help but feel it.

It got easier as spring started to arrive, showing in the snow melting and the tiny green shoots of grass that peeped between the mushy white. Colin got a job, a good job and things began looking up. We got a down payment on a house together and we started looking. It was a long process. What we found that we liked, we couldn't afford or it was too far away for it to be practical. What we could afford was horrid. Colin ran into an old friend of his one day and surprise, he had a house for sale. We went and checked it out.

I wasn't thrilled. It was huge, an old farm house that needed a lot of work. The kitchen was small and painted an ugly color, the living room was a nicotine yellow color. The stairs were narrow and the treads small with a turn at the top that was dangerous. There was a hallway with a foot high wall that surrounded the stairwell.

Having two children, both young children, and that stairwell open scared me. But Colin did some talking and after living in that trailer for as long as we had, the idea of having our own things again, of being able to spread out and let the kids run was just too wonderful. So we bought it and moved in on the Fourth of July weekend.

It was the start to the end.

I tried to get along with John and Laurie. They ended up being our next door neighbors. The couple had four kids, all boys, and the kids had a tendency to run through the house at all times of the day and night. They were close in age to my girls and the kids liked to play together so I learned to deal with the excess noise and the exuberant behavior. I stocked up on band-aids because I've never seen a more accident prone group of kids. Someone was always bleeding or bumped or bruised..

Laurie was a little strange. The first few times I tried to talk to her, she seemed either stuck up or shy. I wasn't quite able to make up my mind which. She liked the girls, though, and seemed to be good to them so I kept trying.

Colin was working on the house when he wasn't working at work. He had torn off all the loose shingles from the roof and we'd gone out and bought new, so I was out helping him a lot on the ladder. That's the first time I saw Laurie out in the back yard in her bikini, laying in the sun. She had the type of body that would bounce back from child birth without exercise and diet and I hated her. I still carried an extra ten pounds from Katie's birth. I saw Colin's eyes slide toward her and then back when he noticed me watching him. I tried to make a joke about it, but it bothered me.

We invited them for dinner and cards. I'd gone into the kitchen to get the kids kool-aid and John had gone to pick up something at home. When I walked back into our dining room I found Laurie wrapped in my husband's arms. When I asked what was going on, Colin gave me a look as if I should keep my mouth shut. 

Finally he told me, Laurie's mom had passed away earlier in the past year, like my own father had, and it was her birthday. She was upset and he was just comforting her. He was comforting her when he hadn't had the time or patience to comfort his own wife days after her father had died. I couldn't believe the incredible amount of rage I felt.

It was the first time in all of our marriage that we slept with out backs to each other. Slept, that was funny, I lay there most of the night, not moving, until finally I just couldn't stand it anymore. I got up and went downstairs and paced. When Colin got up, he kissed me on the forehead, took a shower and went about his day as if nothing had happened. I couldn't believe that he couldn't see how upset I was about this whole thing.

Time passed, and while I might not have forgotten about what happened that night, I'd decided to let it lie. He didn't seem overly interested in what was going on next door though we did manage to walk in on some spectacular fights. And some things that really disturbed me.

Laurie had moments that she seemed almost another person, a mean tempered spiteful person. She would invite us to her home and then start fights with John, on purpose it seemed to me. One night, after a particularly bad fight, with Colin and I being the unwilling witnesses, John went outside to get some air. Laurie got up right after him and locked the back door on him, effectively locking him out of the house. I looked at Colin and then went and sat with the girls, wishing that we could just leave. My children didn't need to see this.

John broke down the door. A part of me was impressed with his forcefulness, another part was having flashbacks to my first marriage and I felt a whimper build and want to come out of my throat. I watched as John stalked Laurie across the room and I held my children against me so they wouldn't see what was going on.

Laurie came at John, her hands curled into claws. John threw up his hands to defend himself and hit Laurie, knocking her down where she scooted across the floor and curled into a ball in the corner.

I sat there with my mouth open and nothing coming out. In my heart, I don't believe that John meant to hit Laurie. I believe he was defending himself. I'd seen scratches on him before, cuts and bruises that he'd laughed off and said were from work. And now I knew the truth, Laurie was crazy.

I got up and picked up Katie, gathering her close to me. Without saying a word to either of them, or my husband who seemed to just be standing there, I walked out of the house and took my girls home to put them to bed. Cassie had all kinds of questions, mostly wondering why Laurie was so mean to Uncle John, as she had taken to calling our neighbor.

If I saw it and an eight year old child saw it, how could no one else see it?

Colin didn't get home for another two hours. When he finally did, he looked white faced and tensed. I didn't ask questions because I knew he really didn't want to talk, instead I took him to bed and we held each other while he stroked my hair. When he told me he loved me that night, I said a prayer of thanks to whatever deity wished to receive it that I had a man like Colin in my life.

Weeks went by, school started and Cassie was in the third grade. Katie stared going to a nursery school twice a week for three hours each. The first few times were traumatic for both of us. Katie cried and begged me not to leave her. But finally, we both over came the trauma and she started liking school. We went to a few parties on the weekends, places that the kids were welcome also and I met a few people. I grew to enjoy the house we had and liked the area. At the time, it wasn't a big town but it was growing and I was learning my way around.

Colin had cousins he was very close to and one of them had been spending a lot of time with him. Her name was Susan and she was younger than both of us, him by five years and me by ten. I liked it and enjoyed the times she would come over and we'd talk or do something together. It had started that Sue came over to see Colin, but before long, she was coming over to spend time with me. 

We would sit and talk, and the two of us found out we both liked to take walks at night. So we would leave Colin with the girls and stroll down the road on nights that it was nice enough. She'd usually spend the night, which I didn't mind. I would leave Sue and Colin downstairs to spend some time together and turn in, knowing Colin would be up soon himself.

Deer hunting season was coming. Colin had managed to get a week off, his first time in the years since we'd been together that he could go up with his male family members to hunt. I wanted him to go, for a couple of reasons. I loved venison, growing up with hunters myself, we'd always had deer in the freezer. The second, he deserved some time off. He worked hard and helped his friends and family. I don't know how many times he'd gone next door to try and help John and Laurie since their problems started. And I was grateful for the type of man that he was that would be there for his friends.

So I didn't kick up too much fuss when he said he wanted to leave the weekend before opening day. Yes, it was three days before he could actually hunt, but I knew he would get enjoyment out of that time, going up north to the cabin that his parents owned and he loved, spending time with his cousins. One of them was going up with him.

He left me some money and told me to take the girls shopping. And then he was gone. John called about an hour after Colin left. Him and Laurie had had another fight and she wanted to go away for a weekend to get some perspective. He'd made the arrangements, helped her carry her suitcase to the car. He'd even arranged for a beautiful bouquet of roses to be left in her room before she got there.

We sat and talked for a while and I got an earful of Laurie's problems. Probably more than I'd actually wanted to know. She was bi polar and refused to take her medicine. Surprise, surprise. The woman changed moods more than the most fickle woman changed her mind. She was hard to get along with, which I knew. And he wanted to thank me for letting my husband spend so much time with Laurie recently.

Whoa. Laurie was spending time with Colin? I thought he was over there with the both of them. 

No. John said that they would take off and go for a drive, that Laurie was so happy she'd found someone she could actually talk to. 

Yeah, my husband was a great guy. I started to get this bad feeling. And I couldn't shake it off. I got off the phone with John and sat in my chair, looking at the dark outside while I heard my children playing above me in their bedroom.

Colin wouldn't... No, that was too impossible to think of, he loved me. I tried to get my mind off of it, but thoughts of the two of them together kept popping in my head even after Laurie got back from her weekend away. Why didn't Colin tell me that he and Laurie were taking drives together?

But did I want to play the overly suspicious wife and ask him, maybe cause a fight if there wasn't anything to fight over?

Colin came home from deer hunting, bringing with him a nice sized buck which we sent out for processing. Things settled down some and he went back to work. My sister called and asked if I'd like to go shopping with her on Black Friday, the day that all businesses look forward to and all employees dread.

Laurie cooked Thanksgiving dinner for all of us at her house and, after helping clean up, I packed up my car, leaving the girls with Colin for overnight, drove the two hour drive to my sister's home. We had a fantastic time, and I came home much poorer but with most of the Christmas shopping done, if you included all the things I had in layaway. We decorated the house when I got home and dragged out the old fake Christmas tree. I started baking and things seemed wonderful. Colin got a small doe that his father hadn't wanted and we set aside a Saturday to spend cutting it up ourselves. 

Colin got up and I heard him talking to the kids while I spent a lazy few moments still in bed. I got up finally, went downstairs to find out the he had gone next door, so I went and spent a few minutes cleaning up the kitchen so that we would have lots of room to spread out.

I heard the door open finally and he came back inside. He came into he kitchen where I was working. I turned to smile at him and saw his face. He looked grave.

"What's wrong, honey?"

"Laurie and John," he said.

"Are they getting divorced?" I knew it was coming, it was just a matter of time. Anyone would have to be a saint to put up with the stuff that I had heard she did. Especially her kids. She liked to take belts to them, and being a small woman among big boys, I used to think she had a reason, until I saw her use it on one of her kids once when her husband wasn't home. I told John about it and he said he'd deal with it. I hadn't seen her do it again.

"Yeah, they are." 

"Oh, God. I'm sorry," I said, squeezing his hand. He'd known John a long time.

"We need to talk, Kelly," he finally said after being quiet for a few seconds.

"About?" I asked, feeling this empty, hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.

He looked me in the eyes and I knew right then. "You've been sleeping with Laurie, haven't you? You are the reason they're getting divorced?" I pulled my hands away from him.

"Yes, I'm sorry Kelly. I didn't want to hurt you but, I love her."

"You love her? What about me?" 

"I love you, too. I just can't live with you. I've changed, Kel, we've changed."

I looked up at the man that I had spent the last six years with and felt my world drop out. A strange fuzziness came over me, making me feel like I was moving in a fog.

"So," he said, after I hadn't said anything for a while, "I think it's best for you to leave. You can take the girls or leave them here. But you have to go."

"What?" My mind didn't want to focus on the thought that he was kicking me out.

"You need to leave, Kelly."

I turned and walked away, not sure what I was doing and went to the stairway. I could hear the kids playing in their toy room, hear Colin pick up the phone and make a phone call. I walked halfway up the steps and stumbled, landing face first against the risers. Cassie came to the top of the stairs and started down, sitting next to me and trying to help me up. I let her and then followed her up the stairs to pack.




Marriage in Flames



It took a while but I managed to get stuff into suitcases. I heard someone knock at the door and saw Colin's cousin, Seth arrive. They sat in the living room and I heard them laughing. My heart was breaking and he was sitting down there making jokes with a man I'd never gotten along with.

It made me mad, furious. I went down the stairs, my face had to be beet red.

"Seth, while I am still in this house, it is still partly mine. Until I leave, I want you to get out."

The two men stared at me like I was mad. "Get the fuck out of my house!" I screamed, and he looked at Colin and then left. I turned to my husband, the man I thought I knew and slapped him as hard as I could. It was the first time I'd ever hit a man since the abuse I'd received from my first husband.

I went back up the stairs, gathered our stuff and called the girls. I took them out to the car, refusing Colin's help and stashed the bags in the trunk before getting the girls buckled into their seat.

"I want money, I can't take care of these kids on nothing." I held out my hand and he opened his wallet, handing me two one hundred dollar bills. I looked at him, I think for the first time hating someone with every part of my being. Then I got into the car and left.

How I made it to my sister's home, I don't know. I was in a daze, driving on auto pilot. The girls were quiet, knowing something was wrong but not what. I pulled in to my sister's driveway after the two hour drive, feeling as if none of it were real. How could he do this to me?

Sheri took over. She took the kids, taking one look at my ravaged face, and got them something to eat and started them playing with something. I went into the bedroom I always stayed in while I was there, sat on the bed and held myself and rocked. I couldn't even cry. It was like a wall had completely blocked everything inside, all this pain being strangled inside of me and I couldn't get rid of it. I wanted to scream, to cry and rail and shout. But it wouldn't come.

Sheri came in and hugged me. I looked in her face and saw the sadness she felt for me. I was rocking so she rocked with me until I finally pulled away. I walked out into the living room with her following me and checked on the girls. Then I sat down and stole one of Sheri's cigarettes and lit it up. I hadn't had one in almost two years and the taste and smoke in my lungs felt good, like an old friend that you couldn't forget who just suddenly came home.

We sat at the kitchen table where I could see the kids playing in her living room and talked. I still couldn't get rid of the pain. I couldn't cry. I couldn't scream. All I could do was sit there and smoke cigarette after cigarette and answer her questions.

Sheri got mad. My sister is a little thing, barely five feet two inches tall. Somehow I'd gotten all the height in the family. She'd gotten the thick, gorgeous hair. But when she got mad, she looked about ten feet tall. 

"You are calling him tomorrow and telling him to get his stuff and get out of that house. You have the kids and need the house to live in, let him find a place to live."

I nodded and blew out a stream of cigarette smoke.

"Is this his first time fooling around on you, Kelly?"

Now there was a question I'd never considered. I looked back at our marriage and the phone calls and the assault charges started to make more sense. Had he been doing this to me all along? I had to answer her truthfully.

"I don't know, Sheri, I wish I did."

We talked longer and then I helped her fix dinner. I couldn't eat, I couldn't get anything past that lump that closed off my emotions besides cigarette smoke. I sat in the room all night, listening to the girls quiet breathing as they slept in rolled out sleeping bags over an air mattress in my room. I didn't want them far from me, maybe I didn't trust that Colin wouldn't try to take them away from me also.

The call was one of the hardest things I had to do. I was shaking so badly that I almost dropped the phone when he picked it up.

"Hello," his deep voice said.

"It's me." I tried to sound calm but I knew my voice shook.

"How are you?" 

The question caught me by surprise and it made me mad.

"How the hell do you think I am?"

"Kelly, you have to know that I didn't plan..."

I interrupted his spiel, not interested in hearing it. "I want you out of the house. The girls and I will be back there tomorrow, which should give you time to get your stuff out and leave."

"Okay," he said softly. "Can I talk to the girls?"

How I wanted to say no. How I wanted to use them to make him hurt. But I couldn't do that, not for his sake, mind you but for my daughters.

"Fine, be out by noon," I said before calling Cassie over to talk to her step dad.

I tried not to hear their happy voices telling their daddy everything they'd been doing and how much they loved him but it was difficult not to. When Katie said goodbye in her sweet little voice, I took the phone back. 

"Tomorrow, noon," I said again and the quietly hung up the phone, hearing his voice but not the words he was trying to say to me.

It wasn't noon the next day but the day after that before I could finally make myself drive those two long and scary hours back home. I was afraid of what I was going to find when I opened the house. How would it seem without him there? Could I do this, be divorced and start over again?

And I was also determined to find out everything I could about what he was doing, who he had done and I wanted to get it documented.

I pulled into the driveway, anxious to get inside and find out how I was going to start my new life. I unlocked the doors and let the girls in, noting first that it was freezing. I went over and turned up the heat, telling the girls to leave their coats on until it warmed up. It was the beginning of December and cold.

My cat came out of hiding and for some reason, seeing his fluffy orange fur made me feel even worse. I walked away while the girls petted and talk to him and went to the kitchen. The sight in front of me almost made me turn and leave the house.

They'd left their dishes sitting in the sink for me to do. I couldn't believe it. The sink that had been sparkling clean, dishes done and put away was now filled with dirty dishes. Plates covered with egg scum, glasses coated with milky residue. Pans that looked as if the food had been baked on. It made me so mad I wanted to throw the whole mess against a wall and scream.

I turned and left the room, grabbing the girls and leaving the house. I needed a few minutes and the best way to get them would be to go to my mothers house and get my dog.

Colin and I had three dogs together, but only one of them I would claim. Our German Shepherd that we had rescued from an abusive home had become my baby. And with being alone and living out in the country, I figured that a big dog wouldn't hurt. 

I was afraid that I could run into him there, figuring he went home when he didn't have anywhere to live. I'd been able to get a little revenge of my own, when we moved, John's uncle had offered Colin a job, delivering propane. He'd accepted. But with what the two of them had done, Laurie and Colin, I knew he was probably going to be looking for work also.

I pulled into her driveway and went and knocked on the door. It was the first time I had ever done that, knocked on her door and waited to be invited in. The girls tried to rush right in, but I didn't feel that I had that right anymore. After all, I was her son's reject.

She came to the door and opened it quickly as soon as she saw me. She hugged the girls and pushed them inside, hugging me and drawing me into the warmth.

"I'm sorry, Kelly." She patted me on the back and then got me a coke, taking it to the dining room table. All three of the dogs that we'd had were in there and my shepherd came bounding up to me, her huge tail lashing dangerously back and forth. As soon as I sat, she sat in front of me and put her head on my knee looking up at me with those soft brown eyes as if she understood and was saying she was here for me too.

Ann, my mother, sat down across from me and it took me a minute to understand what she was saying. "...wanted to tell you before, Kelly. But Colin wouldn't let me. He said that he had to tell you in his own way."

"Wait," I put up my hand to stop her flow of words. "Are you telling me you knew about this all along?'

"Since they went away together right before deer hunting season."

My stomach dropped into my feet. "They went away together?"

She shook her head sadly. "Yes, John rented them a room and they stayed there for the weekend before Laurie dropped him off at deer camp."

"John knew about this?" I was shocked, astounded, appalled. John would know and condone this behavior? How could he? My mind flashed on all the talks we had, trying to see if I could see some kind of pattern.

"No, I mean, I don't think he knew. He just got her the room so she could think things through." I heard the scorn in her voice. Ann didn't believe in cheating.

"How long, Ann? How long have they been sleeping together?"

"Three months."

"Three months!"

I thought back, the excuses he'd made to go over there, getting up early to take the dogs out and letting me sleep in. Were they meeting then? 

I probed for information from Ann but didn't get any further. Instead, I grabbed the dog's leash and got the kids bundled back up and got ready to leave.

"Kelly, we still love you and the girls. I hope you'll still consider us family." She helped Katie on with her coat, giving her a hug.

"Ann, you're their grandma, you'll always be their grandma. I don't know what's going to happen from now on but I appreciate your honesty." I took Cami, the shepherd's, leash and got everyone in my car. 

It was only a short drive back home, not much more than two miles and we were piling out of the car again. Cami was happy to see me and was jumping around, making a nuisance of herself until we all got in the house. Then she curled up on the floor, only getting up when I left the room to follow me. I went in the kitchen, determined to get rid of those dishes that seemed like such a huge slap in my face.

On the counter was a pile of books, a note taped to the top one. I pulled it off. Sue. These were the books that I had lent her. She left me a number and asked that I call as soon as possible. I wasn't up for anything more tonight, instead, I did the dishes and fed the kids, got baths done and got them ready for bed. After all, just because my marriage was over and my heart was broken, didn't mean that Cassie didn't have school the next day.

I got the girls in bed and went into our...my bedroom. I just stood there, staring at the bed, feeling sick. I had made it before I'd left that fateful day that seemed so long ago. The covers were messed up, the pillows indented, on both sides. He'd let her sleep with him in our bed.

I ran downstairs and made it to the bathroom, dry heaving after my body expelled all the water I had drank during the day. I sat on the floor in front of the toilet, my stomach still heaving every time I thought of what he had done. My body shook with repressed emotion, but I still couldn't let it out. I flushed the toilet, drank a small glass of water and grabbed my pillows and a blanket and made myself a bed on the couch.

I didn't think I'd sleep this first night and I was right. I channel surfed instead and when nothing captured my attention, I found a movie and set the VCR for repeat mode. Then I curled up and stared at the flashing pictures on the screen, not even paying attention to the movie, instead thinking of every incriminating instant of our marriage. The letters that he had gotten from some girl he'd said was on a bad track and he was just helping her. She'd babysat for the kids once or twice. Had she slept with him too?

I remembered back to the night I had Katie. It had been a rough pregnancy and I had been very sick throughout. I'd lost fifteen pounds instead of gaining weight. The doctor told me I had gall stones and recommended they come out as soon as the baby was born. Meanwhile, I had to eat a special diet.

I remember Colin and his friends went to the bar that night. It was over Father's Day weekend, that Friday, and I had gone to bed around midnight. I didn't expect Colin home until two or three, knowing that they went to a small bar where the cops hung out.

The first pain woke me right before one am. It was sharp but went away quickly and I thought I was having a gallbladder attack. The second and third one were pretty much the same and I got up to take some heartburn medication the doctor said I could take for it. After the fourth pain, I realized, I was in labor.

The phone book was the first place I headed, calling the bar that I thought they were at. No luck. I tried every bar in the city and then a few in the next city over. No one had seen him. I paced and rocked myself through the pains that came steadier and quicker. Finally, I went in and took a shower, getting dressed in case I had to drive myself to the hospital.

About three am he came staggering into the house. 

"I hope you aren't drunk, you have to take me to the hospital." I was mad, no, I was furious. I could smell the beer on him from across the room.

But now that I thought about it, where had he been? I'd never asked him, the pacing and the shower making my labor progress fast and Katie being born less than an hour after we got to the hospital. Had he been with someone else?

I called Sue the next day and she asked if she could come and see me. What could I say? She'd been good to me when she'd come and see her cousin. I said yes.

She showed up with a movie in her hand, making a joke that I could have kissed her for. The movie was "A Few Good Men."

We put it in after I put the kids to bed. I don't remember watching any of it. This was Sue's big moment to confess. She said she wanted to tell me because she considered me her friend.

Colin had tried to sleep with her on more than one occasion. She'd kissed him, she'd messed around a little with him, but she always held him off. She hadn't known anything about Laurie. And she couldn't believe that he had done this to me.

The words that she said that got to me the worst were these. "He told me that you would probably commit suicide when he told you to get out. He said he wanted me to help him raise the kids after you were dead."

How could I have been wrong about another man, and so wrong at that? What happened to the man that I married, that laughed at me and found me delightful and funny, sexy and beautiful? Where was the man who promised me I could kill him before he'd divorce me?

Sue gave me a hug before she left that night and I asked her to come over again. She might have some blame in what her cousin did with her, but she didn't have anything to do with him leaving me. She'd been fooled to.

A week passed without me hearing from him, a week where the kids were constantly asking where their dad was. A week where I had no idea what was going on. Had he filed for divorce? Where was he living? Were him and Laurie together?

I talked to John who told me that Laurie was staying with her father. She had walked out on her four boys on the youngest first birthday. She'd left without giving those kids an explanation, without showing remorse or telling them that she loved them. How could a mother walk away like that?

Through John I found out more. He'd had it out with Laurie that morning and then called Colin to come over after Laurie had told him everything. He'd known that something was going on since Thanksgiving night, the night that I'd gone to my sister's home. Laurie had come over, supposedly to help Colin with the kids. She'd been over here for hours, leaving John alone with the four boys. John had come over and looked in the window and had seen them hugging.

Laurie had told them that he was thanking her for her help and that was all. Ha! Yeah right, I look that dumb. Cassie said she'd come to the top of the stairs that night and had seen Colin and Laurie kissing. I asked her why she hadn't told me before and she said because daddy told her not to or else he'd have to spank her.

Well, I promised her no spanking and sent her in to play. I didn't want this to affect my children anymore than it already was.

Money was tight, but I made some long distance phone calls, calling people we had both known when he was a police officer up north. His old partner's wife was a font of information. She gave me names and time frames of the different women he'd been seeing. She even told me that a couple of them hadn't known he was married and when they found out, had dumped him.

John's sister was also a help. She had dated Colin and had been his first girlfriend. She told me that while we were dating and right before we got married, Colin was coming down on his weekends and taking her out. She had no idea about me either, not until the wedding announcement came out in the paper. He'd been fooling around on me before we'd even gotten married.

This information made me mad, and combined with the girls wanting to see their father, I set out to track him down. He was staying at his mom's in that same trailer we had lived in. When he finally came to the phone, I only told him that the girls wanted to see him. I would rather have this out face to face. We made plans for him to come over the next day and I hung up.

He showed up twenty minutes late. I had locked the door purposefully, to make sure he had to knock, also to make sure that I remembered to get his key back. It worked, he tried to walk in just as I thought he would. Arrogant pig.

I asked for his key and he hemmed and hawed about giving it to me until I became insistent. Then I left him alone with the girls, going into the kitchen to do dishes and to generally keep myself busy until I walked him out to the car to find out what was going on.

He found me first.

"How are you?" he asked, coming up behind me and putting his hand on my shoulder. 

I jerked it away and held up the sharp knife that I was washing. Even covered in soap suds, I think he caught on to the threat. 

"I just wanted to see if you were okay," he said, backing up a step. "I was worried about you."

"Yeah, so worried I had to call you to get you to come and visit your children? So worried that I haven't heard from you at all in a week? Yeah, I feel that worry across the room, Colin."

"Well, I was talking to my mom, and she made me see that I should live up to my responsibilities."

I turned and glared at him, my hands dripping soapy water on the kitchen floor. I was so furious I didn't care. "Which responsibilities were those, Colin? The fact that you have a wife that you just forgot about for convenient periods of time while you fucked other women? The fact that you have children and so does that bi polar slut you left with? The fact that you left your God damned dirty dishes in my sink for me to do? Or that you fucked that bitch in my bed? Which responsibilities does that cover? Huh?"

"Kelly, you need to calm down."

If I'd been screaming then I might have understood his words. But my voice never raised even a half an octave. I never lost control or struck out at him like I wanted to. I was as calm as I was ever going to be. I took a deep, shaky breath and turned back to the sink, staring out the window at the field next door.

"Have you filed for divorce yet, Colin?

"I don't want a divorce Kelly, not yet anyway." 

I turned again, this time I felt the urge to commit murder. "So you thought you could sleep with Laurie and stay married to me? A have my cake and eat it to situation?"

"That's not what I mean. God! Do you have to be so unreasonable?"




Marriage in Flames



"Unreasonable?" I took a very deep breath and held it while I counted to twenty. Letting it out slowly, I closed my eyes and then opened them to see him standing there staring at me. I badly wanted to go after him, use my fists and my nails against him. I wanted him to hurt like I did, to feel the same earth shattering, overwhelming pain that I felt. "You son of a bitch. You kicked me and my children out of my home. You've taken that..." I stopped and took a deep breath again. "You tell me what you want, Colin, and I'll see if I can possibly live with that."

"I'd like to take the children for the weekend, this weekend."

"Take them where?"

"I'm staying in the trailer, they'd be out there with me."

"And Laurie? Where is Laurie staying?"

"She's at her dad's."

"I don't want her around my children. If you are taking the girls with you, she won't be there, at all. If I find out that she's there, I will go to court and have a restraining order filed against her, even if I have to trump up some charges. And trust me, Colin, as pissed off as I am right now, you definitely don't want me any madder."

"But Laurie is..."

"I don't give a shit what Laurie is. I said no, she walked out on her own children, she doesn't get the chance to hurt mine."

I could see Colin getting pissed off. And the best thing in the world, I didn't care. I was going to be adamant about this.

He had no choice, he agreed.

For a couple of weeks things settled down a little. The girls spent a wonderful weekend enjoying their father's undivided attention. He brought them back home and I couldn't believe the amount of relief I felt when I saw him pull into the driveway with them. For some reason, I'd thought he'd take off with them, he'd leave me standing here never knowing where my children were. I was never so happy to be proven wrong.

Colin started coming to the house sometimes to visit the kids. He would come in and spend a couple of hours with them, playing everything from Barbie dolls to board games. He read them books and made sure that they knew he loved them. I could never fault him for his actions towards his kids. He did love them.

Christmas morning, he showed up at five am, bringing in so many presents that it was almost impossible to walk in the living room. We sat and talked, almost as if nothing had happened. Almost. There was still that knowledge, that blaring road sign that said Danger. I knew better than to trust him. I knew better than to believe him. I had found out so much information on his cheating, his string of women that had lasted all the years that I had known him. It was betrayal in its purest form.

He stayed and watched the kids open presents. After an hour, I saw him keep glancing at his watch. I knew he was leaving. And I knew he was leaving to go to her. He got up and kissed the kids and then I walked him out the door. It was one of those beautiful Christmas mornings. The sun was shining on the snow, turning it brilliant with thousands of tiny little diamond sparkles. The sky was so blue it almost hurt to look at it. And the air was so cold, it stung. I walked him to his truck.

"I've been thinking a lot, Kelly."

I shivered a little but refused to let him see it. I was holding my breath, waiting to see what he would say. Was this when he was going t ask for a divorce?

"I love you. I have since the first time I set eyes on you. I don't seem to be able to forget you."

Those words made my heart glow, foolish heart.

"And," I urged gently as he stared at my hands which he now held. 

"I think that we should have a trial period. I mean, I love you, but I love Laurie too. I just don't know which one of you will be better for me."

"What do you mean, better for you?"

"Which one of you will make me the most happy." He dropped my hand and put his palms on my shoulders, stroking his hands slowly down my arms. "I need to know if you or Laurie will make me most happy. I'd like to take a trial period. Say six months where I spend one weekend with you and one with Laurie. At the end of that time, I'll make my decision."

"And if I don't want to play your game?" I asked quietly. 

"Then I guess you don't love me like she does. She's already said okay."

My mind was spinning. Did I want to play weekend wife and deal with everything alone the rest of the time? But did I want to lose him? There was so much to think about. The kids, the time I'd invested already in our relationship, the fact that divorce was a messy and dirty business.

Before I knew what I was doing, I heard someone say in my voice, "yes, I guess I could try that."

My first weekend with him was amazing. We took the kids out to an indoor amusement park, and then out to dinner, spending all day Saturday together. He spent the night that night, the first time we'd been together since we'd split up. 

The sex was amazing, hot and erotic. We hadn't had a marathon session like this in years. Afterwards, he held me against him, kissing my forehead and thanked me for making him so happy. 

I fixed him his favorite breakfast Sunday morning and we argued over the crossword puzzle in the newspaper. He watched a movie with the girls and then around two pm, he said he had to leave. My weekend with him was over. I walked him to his truck again, got a huge hug and a kiss on my forehead and he left.

During the week, I'd heard that he was staying with Laurie. Did it make me mad, yes. Did I feel I was being taken advantage of and lied to, yes. That weekend was hers, and also her time to have her children. When they came home Sunday, I was at John's house, talking to him. The boys were full of everything Uncle Colin had taken them to do. And I saw the jealousy and hurt in my girls' faces as the boys bragged and showed off the toys they had gotten. I made quick excuses to John who seemed to understand and took my girls home.

"Mom, how come they get to spend time with our dad when we don't get to?" Cassie was always direct and to the point.

How do you explain separation to a child?

"You'll get to see him next weekend, baby." It was all I knew to say.

I stood this, knowing that Colin was spending time with Laurie most nights. That he spent time with her boys and her more than he did his own children. I tried to convince myself that it was for the best, that the more time he spent with her, the more he'd realize what a complete loon she was. 

I managed to keep smiling, starting a job as a baby sitter for John while he worked. It wasn't a great job but I could bring my own kids and it was close to home. And the money was necessary.

But it was hard listening to the kids talk about Uncle Colin and my girls talk about Aunt Laurie, even though I knew they weren't seeing her. It was hard to think that, while I was doing as I said I would, he was spending his time with her.

I managed two more weekends before I finally snapped. This night, the night when he should have been at my home, seeing his children, his wife, he was with her. I could still hear his voice over the phone. 

"I'm sorry, babe. It's one of my headaches, really bad."

"Oh, okay. The kids are going to be disappointed." I was disappointed. 

"I'll be there tomorrow."

His voice suddenly got muffled as if he covered up the phone with his hand. I heard the hiss of a whisper but not the actual words and then I heard very low, very quiet, the sound of HER voice. She giggled. I heard her giggle.

"I've got to go, babe. My stomach is really getting upset. I'll call you in the morning." And then the line went dead.

Something snapped. It wasn't overt, I managed not to scream or throw things. I took care of the kids and smiled, telling them there daddy was sick but that he loved them and would see them tomorrow. And for a treat, I took them up to the corner store and let them pick out a package of candy each. The road to the corner store also happened to go by mys place. And as we went by, I saw his truck and her car.

It was almost as if there was a scale that was in my head, one side said innocent, the other guilt. The innocent side was as far up in the air as it could be with nothing on the little gold tray. I began to wonder if he thought I was stupid. I mean, we'd been together for years and maybe, because he'd done it before, he thought I wouldn't realize he was lying to me. Did he believe me that gullible?

Bath time came and Katie took hers first. I allowed her time to play in the warm bubbles, listening as she sang, in her little off-key voice, a selection of Barney songs. When she was clean and snuggled into pajamas, I started the shower for Cassie, a new treat that made her feel so grown up. When they were finally in bed, story finished, kisses given, I went downstairs to wait for them to fall asleep.

Now here I was, standing here, staring at these cans of gasoline I had pulled from the shed. Three cans poured onto the bales of straw they had shoved next to the trailer to keep the pipes from freezing should send that thing up pretty nicely.

In my mind, I pictured the flames and felt retribution. It was a just ending for a man who'd taken a woman who'd been abused and physically traumatized and built her up to take another fall. My self esteem was in tatters, my pride completely beaten. I felt what little self-worth I'd gained get flushed down the tubes. My mind was in slow play, seeing myself as the stupid wife who allowed herself to be lied to and led for years. Every lie standing out in our past as I could see the difference in his behavior from when he'd had someone else and when he didn't.

The little excuses he'd used, the trysts made and kept when he was at work as a cop. The times he sent me down state to see my parents, the girls with me while he set it up to get wake up calls from his girlfriends. 

And the recent lies. I felt like a babysitter, not a wife or a girlfriend when he was with me and the girls. I took care of the kids, I even made it easier for him to have them. He didn't have to worry about getting up in the middle of the night or feeding them. I'd gotten to the point of cooking dinner for all of us every Saturday he was here. I actually saved that man money.

I was being used.

The smell of gasoline was strong in the air, and the sound of it splashing against the hay seemed almost impossibly loud to me. I kept waiting for one of the dogs to bark, or a light to turn on inside the trailer, but there was nothing. The empty cans went back into the trunk of my car. I would get rid of them later. 

I grabbed my lighter off the dash, and warmed it in my hand as I walked toward the trailer where that bastard and his husband stealing slut slept. It was a little windy, and with the first flick the lighter flared for just an instant and then blew out. I cupped my hand around it, moving it closer to the hay and out of the way of the wind. It flared and caught, burning steadily, and then, with a sudden whoosh, the gasoline ignited and the hay burst into flames. 

I ran back from the trailer, watching with almost disbelieving eyes as the fire spread so quickly, circling the top of the hay with almost astonishing speed. It licked greedily at the sides of the trailer, turning the metal black and curling the edges of the plastic trim. 

Suddenly I couldn't watch anymore, I had to get out of there. I ran to where I'd left my car, throwing my lighter into the passenger seat. I turned the ignition and took off, leaving the headlights off on my car until I was almost to the end of the road.  

I took the long way home, stopping only once at a thick swamp. I punched holes in the sides of the gas cans and dumped them into the mire, hoping they would sink. My stomach was roiling and I felt physically sick from what I had done. But most of all, a sense of relief had come over me. 

Why would I feel relieved? Because his hold was gone, and with his death he no longer could control me. I would no longer feel the humiliation of needing him so much in my life that I was willing to do whatever I could to keep him. I would be able to feel again someday and know that I didn't have to worry about him calling me, or stopping over and trying once more to pull me in, to make me his puppet. 

I pulled into my driveway with the headlights off, hearing the fire engines fly down the main road just a half mile from my home. Standing on the front porch, I could see the glow of orange flames in the distance. It was a beautiful sight. I walked into the house and threw the clothes I was wearing, along with some of the kids' clothes, into the washer, letting it run with an extra soak cycle. I'd been careful but I didn't know if I'd gotten any gas on me or not. 

I stepped into the shower, letting it run hot across my back and my shoulders. It felt wonderful, the water soft and silky. I grabbed my favorite bath gel and used it, enjoying the smell of the vanilla bubbles. 

After getting out and drying off, I slipped into my big bathrobe and went upstairs to bed. I checked on my girls, seeing their sweet faces rosy with sleep. Tucking them in once more, I gave them each a soft kiss on the forehead. Maybe what I had done had taken away their father, but what he was doing to me was worse. He'd taken me and made me into a shell, a needy, wimpy shell of what I once was. 

Sleep actually came quickly and I woke early, a knocking at the front door rousing me. It was John. He was full of the news. 

"Somebody torched their trailer, Kelly. Colin and Laurie were inside. They made it out okay." He grinned and I knew he was enjoying himself. "They were both naked and barefoot." 

"Oh, God. They're okay though?" Inside, I was laughing. 

"Yeah, but the trailer is gone, along with everything in there." 

"That's too bad. I think Colin had all his stuff in there, clothes, his guns. I bet that was quite the fire when those went off." 

I got up when I heard the kids come downstairs. Grabbing a Coke for myself in the kitchen and one for John, I fixed them bowls of cereal and put them at the table to eat. 

When I sat down again, John suddenly got a serious look on his face. 

"You know, Kelly, I could have sworn I heard your car start up last night, right around midnight." 

"My car?" I was a picture of confused innocence. "Couldn't have been, John. I took a shower and went to bed before then. Probably close to ten thirty." 

"I was wondering about it though, so I got up a few minutes later and looked out the bathroom window." 

A feeling of dread went through me. I'd covered as many tracks as I could think of, but I never expected John to check up on me. I might have been quivering inside, but I kept up the calm mien. 

"And you saw it sitting out there didn't you?" I made a small production of leaning over to glance out the living room window to check on my car. 

"Yeah." He grinned and I felt relief sweep through me. "It was out there. As a matter of fact, I couldn't go right back to sleep. I was up for a while last night and every time I looked out the window, it was there." 

I leaned forward and took his hand in mine, squeezing it lightly in silent thanks. We talked some more and then he left. I could see his new girlfriend, Colin's cousin Sue, standing in the doorway. She waved when she saw me in the window and I waved back. It was nice to have friends like these. 

A few hours later, Colin called, his voice sounding funny. He told me that he couldn't take the kids because of the fire but he would like to talk to me later. I think he was amazed by the upbeat tone in my voice, even as I expressed sorrow over the loss of his possessions and gratitude that he wasn't hurt. I told him he could take the girls when he wanted, just to let me know. 

Later that afternoon, I happened to glance out the window and saw a police car sitting in John's driveway. I had known this was coming and tried to prepare myself for their questions as I had no doubt they would be over to see me next. 

I was right. 

"Mrs. Kelly Ritter?" the plainclothes detective asked, flashing his badge at me. 

"Yes?" My hand went to my throat to play with my gold chain. 

"I need to speak to you, Mrs. Ritter. May I come in?" 

"Oh," I stepped aside, holding the door opened so he could enter, "Forgive me. It's not often I have the cops at my door." 

Just then Cami caught sight of the detective and she came in growling, the hair standing up on her neck. I caught her easily and made her sit next to me when I sat on the couch. The detective, who had identified himself as Jack Clark, a special detective on the arson squad, settled himself gingerly on the love seat, eyeing Cami nervously. 

"I'm sorry, she's just not all that fond of men," I apologized, grinning on the inside. This might make it easier, if he's paying more attention to the dog then to me. "I've got a hold of her officer." 

"Detective," he corrected automatically. "Have you heard about the fire at yours' property last night?" 

"Oh, yes. My husband called me this morning and told me about it. I'm just grateful that he called last night and begged off taking the girls. My daughters sleep in that trailer on his weekends with him. It was so lucky he didn't take them." 

I could see his mind processing that fact and I hoped it was having the proper effect. He pulled out a notebook and flipped it open to a clean sheet while he started writing. 

"How often does he call and cancel like that, Mrs. Ritter?" 

"You know," I sat forward slightly, and Cami sat up, looking at me and then looking back at the strange man in her house. "I don't think he's ever done this before. I was very surprised myself. I mean, he loves those girls so much." 

"And where were you last night?" He looked up, his eyes intent upon me. 

I stealthily nudged Cami and she growled low in her throat, staring at the detective. His eyes went to her as I shushed her. "Hush, Cami. I was here all night Detective. My children were home and I stayed home with them." 

He managed to drag his eyes away from Cami and looked back at me. "You didn't leave?" 

"I couldn't, my kids were home." 

He stood and Cami growled again. I grabbed her collar as I stood and watched as he walked to the door. "Okay, Mrs. Ritter. I'm going to leave my card with you in case you can think of any reason why anyone would want to burn your husband's trailer. Just call the number at the top and they can find me." 

"My husband's trailer?" I asked, confused. "No sir, that belongs to mys. They bought it when we moved down here." 

"No, Mrs. Ritter. Your husband took over the payments on the trailer last month. You didn't know this?" 

"My husband and I are separated, sir. But I'm confused. He doesn't have a job right now; he can't even pay child support. How did he get the trailer in his name?" 

He didn't answer me, but he did look thoughtful. He closed the door quietly behind himself and I let Cami loose, watching with her from the window as he walked across the yard separating the two houses and got into his car. 

About a week later, John was once more at my door. He smiled widely and I knew something was up. 

I invited him in. "Okay, who died and left you a fortune?" 

"Well, he's not dead. They arrested Colin today." 

I was shocked. I was flabbergasted. "For what?" 

"Insurance fraud and arson. They say they have proof that he torched the trailer himself." 

"But he was inside of it? Why would he torch it when he was inside?" 

John shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe to make himself look more credible. I mean, who's going to set something on fire and then go inside of it. Anything could have gone wrong. But he's always been that way, thinking he was smarter and could outthink anyone." 

"Oh my," I tried not to smile. All I could think of was that he was out of our lives, and that he would be put away for a couple of years at least. "What'll I tell the girls?" 




Marriage in Flames



"Tell them that the next time they draw a picture of daddy, they might want to put steel bars in front of it." 

I smacked him in the arm and laughed, closing the door behind him as he left. 

Colin was found guilty. The gas cans I had punctured had been found in the swamp. 

Somehow, fingerprints had been found on them, Colin's fingerprints. I had worn gloves that night because it was so cold. Colin had no idea how the cans had gotten there, and no defense. 

Laurie was furious that he would start a fire with her in the trailer and left him. Last I heard, she'd taken off with Seth and was once more pregnant. Seth was working in a burger joint and they were living at her father's house. 

Colin ended up getting five years for fraud and arson and Laurie got a lawyer and sued him for reckless endangerment. That trial was still in the future. 

Sue and John got married. He quit working for his uncle and opened his own business. Sue was still my best friend and I still helped them out occasionally, babysitting so that they could go out on dates. 

I got a job working at a lawyer's office doing his billing. It paid great and the hours were steady. I got benefits and things started looking up for my family. I got a divorce from Colin. He didn't contest it at all. Being behind bars seemed to have changed his attitude towards me. 

My mother always said that what goes around, comes around. I'm beginning to believe it. Yes, what I did was morally wrong. And maybe I deserved to pay for my part in Colin's imprisonment, but I couldn't be unhappy about what had happened. Every time I felt even a twinge of guilt, I remembered all the lies, all the heartbreak and sorrow he caused me. I remembered the hurt I'd felt and the damage it had done to me and to my girls. And I got over it. 

I had a job. I had my children and I was working at getting my life back. I had a lot of self-esteem and relationship issues, but I was working on those. I went in and got an AIDS test and STD tests, breathing a huge sigh of relief when they came back negative. I raised my kids to the best of my abilities, hoping that when they were old enough, they'd look back and see me as a person, not as a mom, and be proud of the person they saw. 

I took the girls to see Colin last weekend. It was Father's Day. They had brought him pictures they made themselves and sat on my lap, happily chattering about everything that was going on in their lives. 

I couldn't help but notice that the entire time they were talking to him, he was squirming uncomfortably in his seat. Right before we left, I asked him if something was wrong. 

He gave me a look, his face turning bright red. "Nothing," he said quickly. He got up and after kissing the girls, walked out of the room and back through the steel door. Just as he was about to go through, I saw another inmate come up to him and say something. I laughed out loud when I saw the inmate pat Colin on his ass. It seemed he was finally getting all the sex he could handle, whether he wanted it or not. 

They say that revenge is a dish best served cold. Well, in this instance, I think, it was best served in flames.

* * *

When this story was posted before, I got a few comments on the fact that the lead male character was raped in prison. Now, we don't know for a fact that it was rape. I will tell you that part of this story is true, the names were changed to protect the innocent. But Colin didn't go to jail, he didn't lose Laurie, they have actually been married and are now divorced (secretly) and are still living together on and off.

I wish them well. I can also tell you that Kelly is doing well. She's met and married again, having a little boy this time and they are blissfully happy. She was a friend of mine from long ago and I watched her go through some of this, the rest was told by her to me for purpose of this story. 

Please remember to vote and leave me a comment. Thanks so much, Danielle