38 comments/ 47152 views/ 14 favorites Lemon to Lemonade Ch. 01 By: Mandy01 I have had so many request to know what happens next I felt I needed to be fair and give Kelly a voice. Not everyone will agree with this follow up in the series, but the title should give you a heads up on how this tale will end. Everyone makes mistakes, after all we're all human. I would like to thank winterfoxx for his tireless effort in helping me edit the next two chapters. Any errors will have to be laid at my feet, as I can't help tinkering with it...lol. I have learnt so much from this experience. This has made me look deeper into my own psyche and challenged some of my own preconceived notions. I trust you will enjoy the ride. ******************************************* Sitting on the floor, watching James walk off with the two bitches was the lowest I had ever felt in my entire life. "You can't sit there all day Lady! You're blocking the courtroom door." I looked up to see an Officer of the Court standing above, looking down at me with clear distain. I dearly wanted to tell him to fuck off. I just didn't have to energy to fight anymore. "Yeah what...ever!" I managed to stand, taking my first tentative steps toward the exit and the car park where my mother waited to take me home. That's when the full implications hit me square in the face. "Home? I wasn't going home...ever. I now no longer had a home or car. But most of all I no longer had a husband. It had all been stolen away from me, stolen by those two tarted up fucking trollops!" I thought to myself as I trudged out into the glare of the midmorning sunshine, sunshine that made me feel worse, mocking me with its bright shining rays. I thought I'd cried myself out until I saw James and those two bitches drive off laughing with each other, then turning to see my mother standing beside her car with her arms folded and shaking her head in disgust. I broke down and cried again as mum told me to get my whore arse in the car. I didn't think my life could get worse, but mum was making it her mission in life to rid me of that delusion. I sat in silence staring out my window. Thoughts came back to me of the afternoon mum came home from talking to James. I had done as my mother had ordered me. I wanted to use the bathroom, but mum had told me to sit with my legs together and head down. I almost peed myself waiting, too afraid that mum would come storming in the door and I wasn't where she told me to be. I sat there crying to myself with frightened anticipation of my mother's return. I dearly wanted to avoid having to look at mum's face and listen to her derision. The alternative was more frightening than the coming confrontation. Even though I had never been able to win any arguments with my mother, it was marginally better than being ostracised and left completely on my own. I knew I couldn't go anywhere for I had nowhere to go. If I walked out I'd be sleeping in the park. I'd already tried to talk to Carol and Pam, both having told me to fuck off and die. Sue just hung up on me without even talking. Beth had no idea what I was on about. She just giggled and told me to give James a blowjob and everything would be okay. James was right. Beth doesn't even live on the same planet as everyone else. Beth's clueless advice was after my call to Carol and Pam who proceeded to berated me for destroying their lives with my arrogant stupidity. Carol called me every name under the sun, telling me I had shit for brains and too weak willed for not being able to control my husband. I had to agree I was stupid, but was quickly concluding that it wasn't for the reason they cited. I was an 'A' class moron for ever getting back into their clutches. My life was shit, and up until now I couldn't see why everyone was telling me it was all my doing. All I wanted was a perfect marriage. What was wrong with that? I was starting to get nauseous from having to agree with everyone who told me those two were trouble. Mum was right when she told me they were one-step away from being whores when she pulled me out of school and away from Carol's group. I didn't see it. Back then they just seemed way cool and in control of their lives. Now I don't think they understood a damn anything but how to manipulate others. I realise this only when it's way too late to do anything about it. I laughed spitefully when Pam told me James was suing every one of them for destroying his marriage. Fucking bitch, I hope her tits sag to her knees. We were sitting at a set of lights as mum's voice pulled a halt to my introspection. I was still looking dejectedly out the passenger window. "I'll give you one thing Kelly! When you do something, you go all out and do it properly. No half-arsed measures for my gullible daughter. I thought I made a hash of my marriages, but you have made a bloody art form out of it!" What could I say? Nothing! So I sat there crying and tried not to listen to the barrage of abuse my mother was throwing at me. "Your father is ropable! I thought he was going to have a heart attack when he found out exactly what you had done to James and your marriage. I'll be surprised if he doesn't put the buggy whip to your whoring arse until it bleeds!" There was a moments silence and I was just beginning to think she'd run out of steam. I always thought that mothers were there to console their children when things went bad. Well, not my fucking mother! I have never heard my mother swear at any time in my life, so what she said next rocked me to the core. "If he does decide to beat some sense into that stupid cunt of yours, don't you be expecting me to step in to fucking save it. I'll be damn well urging him on." She clipped me behind the ear and I winced. "You listening to me you stupid trollop? If it was left up to me and I thought I could get away with it, I'd have you bent over at the waist with head and hands locked in stocks, on display in the local park, for anyone to use who has a mind." "You want to be a lowlife whore, then we'll do it right. How about we pimp your arse out to pay that damn detective's bill, least that way your dad and I won't have to dive into our holiday savings. We'll work out how you're going to pay that stupid brain fart off at a later date!" I shivered at the mental picture her statements conjured up, as the tears streamed down my face. She seemed to take a breath and settle down, and then she couldn't help herself, she ranted on. "There is still something James and I both would like to know. What in God's name were you thinking? You certainly weren't thinking with your head when you signed that ridiculous codicil! How on earth could you not see that James was giving you every chance to get your shit together, but nooooo, you're soggy lust saturated brain decided to ignore all the signs." "Stop it mum!" I screamed at the top of my voice, almost to the point of going hoarse. "I'm sorry okay." I coughed and wailed at her stoned faced anger. The fresh torrent of tears was overwhelming me. I slapped my hands over my ears as mum continued her tirade. "We women complain about men thinking with their genitals, damn it child. You certainly put paid to that argument didn't you? More like blew that one right out of the fuckin water! Let me guess? You were fantasising about fucking up a storm? Getting excited over the prospect of your husband working his arse off to support your sexual perversions? I'll ask you again Kelly, what the fuck were you thinking?" Even if I could stop crying long enough to answer her, I doubt that I could have made a sane reply. I'd asked myself that question so many times now, that I've just made myself even more confused. "I don't know mum, I really don't know!" I managed to finally whisper as the tears dropped off my chin and soaked my blouse. I bundled myself into a tighter ball against the passenger door and wept. ~...~ Mum just shook her head as she pulled into the drive. Turning off the car, she snapped."Get out! I want you out of those clothes! I have a ratty old housedress you can wear. Then you can get to work scrubbing floors and walls, the windows need a good going over and both the bathrooms can do with a thorough dose of elbow grease!" I knew this was coming from the conversation I'd already had with mum. I guess I can forget about my next appointment to get my hair and nails done. I winced from within at what my mother was saying, all I could say was, "Yes mum!" Moreover, it burned me to the core. I again burst out crying as I remembered the conversation when I found out that mum knew what I had done. I have no one to blame for that since I had basically spilled the beans myself. James hadn't helped however by putting me on speaker. That was nothing to what mum was throwing at me now, but then James hadn't shown her the photos! It was my stupidity in thinking if I fought hard enough, then James would see that I loved him and wouldn't want a divorce. My solicitor warned me it was better not to contest it. Again, my arrogance showed through, I didn't think about the consequences of James handing the photos over into evidence. I honestly didn't believe he'd do it! When they came out in court, I knew my arse was fried when I saw mum glaring at me from across the room. I wanted to shrivel up and disappear. That hurt, it really did! I felt as though James had betrayed me to my mother. When James picked up the phone, I was so relieved he might be mellowing out and coming around wanting to talk. I didn't want to give him time to hang up before I had a chance to talk to him. And then he asked me that stupid question. 'Who is it you don't want to know Kelly?' I couldn't understand what he was saying until mum spoke up. I felt like my stomach had turned to a ball of ice. I don't understand men at all. Give them what they want and they call you a whore. Don't do what they want and you're a frigid bitch. Mum was asking me what I was thinking. I'd like to know what the fuck James was thinking? What's wrong with spicing up your sex life? Carol said that men are interested in only one thing and I still agree. All the other husbands hopped on the wagon without any fuss. But not my doofus, he has to lumber me with damn morals. We were walking from the car into the house. "You won't be needing anything dressy for any time soon child, but I will have to get you something. Until then you can wear my old stuff that I was going to send to St Vinnie's op-shop. At the first opportunity I'll go shopping to buy you some new clothes, but don't go getting excited! To start with, I'll get you some white cotton full briefs and plain cotton bras. That should hold you for a while!" I look at her horrified at having to wear granny pants and out of style clothes. "Don't be giving me that look Kelly." "But those clothes are twenty years out of date mum, not to mention that they are threadbare!" Mum scoffed. "That's nothing dearie, the clothes I'll be buying will make a nun wince in sympathy for you. You'll be lucky if I allow you to get naked to have a shower. I'm seriously thinking of getting you one of those veiled Hijab and Caftans the Muslim women wear, neck to ankle until you can afford to get out on your own. Or how about I go looking for potato sacks in your size? Your days of high fashion are toast until you get yourself back on your feet and are paying your own way. James and I have been talking and it seems to me that your father and I have a small responsibility for the destruction you brought to your marriage." I know I wasn't taking much notice by then and most of what mum was saying was now going in one ear and out the other. It showed when I asked, "What's that suppose to mean?" Mum shook her head and pushed me in through the front door. "You best start learning to listen, you ungrateful wretch!" I hate it when she calls me a child and I hate it even more when she uses that name as well. "When have you ever worked for anything in your entire life, Kelly? I know your father and I gave you everything, and from what James has said he continued that trend. You have no appreciation of what it's like to fight for what you have. Well, you're going to be taking a crash course in humility. Thrift wouldn't hurt either, along with community appreciation and service until you can grow a few more grey cells in that stupid brain of yours." When we got into the house mum had me start with what I can only relate as, "This is your first module in being a useful member of society and a decent human being. Housekeeping one-oh-one is something you need to learn. I thought you were at least proficient at tending your home. I now find out James did ninety percent of the work around the house." Mum set me to task cleaning, dusting, washing, and just before dad came home I had to make dinner and set the table. After I put the casserole in the oven, I had about an hour before dad was due home. So I went to my room to brood. "What fucking century does mum live in? Everyone knows women have shed the domestic scene. Her damn generation got us out of the kitchen and into controlling our own destinies. Now she's trying to chain me back to the sink...probably barefoot and pregnant if it was her decision!" I saw dad sitting in the dining room reading his paper. Normally he would be glad to see me but this evening he kept reading, ignoring my dinner preparations. "Dad?"My father didn't look up, though a sour expression slid across his face. I had the impression he'd just stepped in dog shit as he continued reading. "Dinner is on the table." I mentioned hesitantly, all thought of eating vanished as I stood there, unsure of anything that pertains to my father and what he thinks. He folded his paper, got up and walked straight passed me without saying a word. Dinner was a cold and silent affair. I sat in my seat and ate without tasting my food, staring at the flower arrangement I'd so carefully and thoughtfully placed in the centre of the table. Mum and dad conversed on the day's events, but totally ignored my presence. I could have been a statue for all their concern. If I thought I could get away with it, I'd have got up and taken my dinner into my room to eat it alone. As far as they were concerned, I didn't exist. By the end of the meal mum finally acknowledged me but only as a domestic. "Clear away the table, do the washing up, don't you dare use the dishwasher and make sure the kitchen is in pristine condition. You can then go to your room." They both left me at the table without saying anything more. Dad still hadn't said a word to me since he found out what I had done, and it was killing me. I was shattered. I have always been daddy's little girl, and now I wasn't even someone he wanted to be in the same room with, let alone converse. If mum's tirades weren't bad enough, dad not talking to me at all was even worse. Somehow I wished he would flog me and get it over with. That would be more preferable to this invisibility I was suffering. I heard them talking and from a few words I did hear, James was part of their conversation. I knew better than to eavesdrop, even though I dearly wanted to know what James was doing. I just kept to my chores, before retiring to my room to cry once more. ~...~ Every time I thought I'd dropped to my lowest, there was something else to pound my self-esteem down even further into the quagmire which had appeared around me. Mum sent me grocery shopping and gave me only enough money for shopping and if I was frugal, a taxi home. If I was lucky and caught a sale, I might even have enough for a coffee in the food-court at the shopping centre. But when I finished at the shops I only had enough for a short black with what was left. I knew I'd be walking home since I didn't have enough for the taxi. I sat with my trolley of food watching people milling around content in their perfect little lives. It made me glum. If it weren't for the fact I felt even worse at home, I'd have got up and left. My coffee arrived and I took a tentative sip when out of the corner of my eye I saw the blonde haired woman who had taken James from me. I couldn't believe it! It was as if fate was conspiring against me. If my life isn't bad enough, to have to run into her again so soon was worse than death. She was standing not more than three meters away from me. She was laughing as she spoke to some other shoppers. A cold knife sliced through my heart and my head pounded. I felt sick to my stomach as I watched her throwing her hair around in jovial conversation. Her life was perfect and mine was now shit. I had to reluctantly admit she was beautiful. The mass of golden blonde hair streaming down her back belied her mental acuity. I dyed my hair for James, knowing he liked blonde hair. That's one reason I did it, that and the fact I got more attention from most men. That other bitches comment about not being a true blonde was still ringing in my ears each night as I tried to go to sleep and forget. The stinging reminder of our battle at the courthouse left me in little doubt this woman was noone's fool. When it came to acid tongues, I believe that she's give my mother a run for her money. I felt like getting up and scratching her eyes out, but since my run in with her, I gathered that she would be just as formidable physically as she was mentally. She towered over me and I felt intimidated. Losing to her in a physical fight wouldn't do my self-esteem much good, so I chose to sit quietly and observe her instead. The first thing I noticed was the total lack of arrogance she had displayed at the courthouse, while displaying grandeur and poise to grace a princess. I know what I am and know I'm beautiful. Even if these clothes mum is forcing me to wear don't do me justice, however, as James so irritatingly put it, I'm not in this woman's league. In the past I tended to dominate and lord it over those around me with my physical aura. I learnt early in life all I need to do was bat my eyelids at men and I had them instantly wrapped around my little finger. I was in a quandary. What has happened to my sex appeal? Where did I go so wrong? This woman and her red headed cohort slashed me to ribbons to a point. I now have nightmares with the confrontation replaying in my sleep. I wake up crying in the night, and find it hard to regain a level of calmness enough to drop back off to sleep again. I no longer feel confident in anything I do. I find I'm continually seeking reassurance from mum that I have done whatever it was right. This woman, who on the surface seemed to just accept others as equals, has that air of confidence I once felt. I couldn't understand how or why she could or would do that, when she obviously had the ability to have everyone falling around her to do her bidding. I tried to remember her name and it frustrated me that I couldn't bring it to mind. I'm sure James called her by name. I knew the red headed bitch was Sally or Sara or something, but this one eluded me completely. I found it hard to believe I wasn't listening to what he said. I remembered he and mum accused me of not listening to anything which didn't fit with my perception of the world I lived in. Maybe they were right, maybe I didn't listen? Is that so bad? ...to...to dismiss trivialities. Obviously these observations weren't trivial in the least and they have affected my life dramatically. I felt sick with the notion that I just may have had my head jammed up my arse to my shoulders. I couldn't deal with these thought any longer, so I got up and left, feeling further depressed at the thought of my long walk home carrying my heavy shopping bags. I sought mum out and told her I was home. Any idea of praise for doing a good job went out the door when she told me it was my duty from now on and I'd be reprimanded if it wasn't done to her satisfaction. "You took way too long shopping. You should have been back hours ago. Now get into the basement and clear all the stuff down there out to the garage. Stack it neatly so your father doesn't have to move it around to get to his car. Once you're finished you can scrub every surface in the basement spotless." Lemon to Lemonade Ch. 01 As I walked off to do as I was told mum quipped, "You also need cooking lessons. Last night's meal was barely digestible. How James ever put up with your slop I'll never know. I'll take full responsibility for that one. I should have had you in the kitchen teaching you how to look after your husband who was breaking his back looking after you." This was another statement I could not argue with because I very rarely cooked. James was perfectly happy toiling away in the kitchen, and I was perfectly happy to allow him to do it. Looking at the basement, I saw just how much work I had to look forward to. It made me realise that since I was doing most of the housework, it left mum enormous amounts of time to think up my next punishment. My ever present tears rolled down my cheeks as I got to work. ~...~ I got home after delivering some stuff to a charity mum works for, I don't have more than five minutes to myself anymore. When I went to my room, I found it empty. I stood there frightened I was finally being thrown out of my parent's house as well. Mum's voice brought me back to the here and now. "You'll find your stuff in your room which is now in the basement. Until you can show your father and me that you are a civilised human being and not some crazed sexual animal, then you don't deserve to live in the house proper with us!" I ran through the house and down into the basement. I stood there and bawled my eyes out. This had to be the last straw. I slumped to the floor on seeing everything just dumped in the middle of the room. This was going to take hours if not days to sort into any sort of liveable, let alone likable accommodation. Mum had let me know that my usual chores will take priority over anything that concerned my comfort. This meant I was sleeping on a bare mattress on the floor for a couple of days at least until I could organise the room properly. ~...~ Months passed and I kept my head down and my nose clean. The house had never looked so spritely. I didn't do it for my parent's approval so much, although it was in the back of my mind. Of course I wanted to show them I could be responsible. However, it was more to keep myself occupied and stop dwelling on what I had lost. It showed in the fact that mum started to run out of housekeeping ideas. It gave me a sort of satisfaction I may be proving myself to her in some small way, or maybe it was a bit of passive rebellion. I knew it wouldn't last. She regrouped and decided I need a little community spirit. The next project she conjured up for me was to go down to Mrs Pascoe's place and help her out. Beverley Pasco was a long time friend of my mother's, although she was a good thirty or so years older. Her husband had passed away years ago and her children were overseas. Mrs Pasco had just undergone a hip replacement and needed home help until she could move around without a walking frame. I have to admit I spent every spare minute down there, just to get out of the house and avoid mum's controlling influence. I was tiding up Mrs Pasco's dining room when she asked me to make us both a cup of tea and take a break. I did as she requested, sitting quietly not saying much. "So how are you faring these days Kelly?" Mrs Pasco questioned. I didn't know how to respond. I wasn't sure just how much she knew of my circumstances. I brighten, although it felt artificial and I'm sure it showed on my face. "I'm good Mrs Pasco, things are going well..." I was lying through my eyeteeth and I couldn't go on. Mrs Pasco smiled knowingly. "That bad huh?" I nodded with tears starting to brim in my eyes. I swiped at them and choked. "I don't know how much you know of my marriage break up. While I don't think it's entirely my fault, I really don't think I deserve everything that has happened. I do know I've been a bad person and I've hurt a lot of people! Three people in particular...my mother, my father, and the man I was married to, James." I was crying again and I couldn't stop it. Mrs Pasco just sat there grim faced, nodding. "I know, Marcie has told me all about it. She's been trying to keep you busy...the old saying holds true here...idle hands are the devil's tools!" "I've heard a saying something like that but it was different...an idle mind is the devil's playground!" Mrs Pasco smiled. "There are many variations to the saying, but the one I gave you goes back to the twelfth century, and is credited to Geoffrey Chaucer, an English author, poet, philosopher among other things." I suddenly realised this woman sitting here wasn't just some little old lady, but someone who had a wealth of knowledge and the insight that came with age. I somehow felt buoyed a little bit by this revelation. Was this what it is like not to have my head shoved up my own arse? I had another thought. Mrs Pasco, while knowing of my infidelity, didn't throw it in my face like everyone else. While I understood why everyone was so pissed at me, the constant condemnation didn't help my mindset. Mrs Pascoe treating me like a decent, if not entirely competent person helped me to take her criticism with a large grain of salt. I was trying my best to understand. She most definitely didn't like what I had done, but she had the good grace to keep it out of her comments so as not to let emotions cloud the issue. Mrs Pasco continued. "You know your mother has been hurting ever since she found out you cheated on James. I've been able to help her a little bit, but she really needs to work it out with you. You two need to sit down and talk it through, and I don't just mean lip service either. I mean really get into the muck and thrash it out, find the core reason for your betrayal. Then and only then will you both be able to move on and find the love and peace you both deserve!" I looked over at her sympathetic smile. "Mrs Pasco, there's nothing I would like more than being able to talk freely with mum again. I don't know what to do! I don't know myself why I did what I did? I know if I talked to her now, I would just hurt her more. The hurt I have already given her is unbearable. How can I talk this out with her without doing that?" "To start with, please lay off the Mrs Pasco stuff. I already know I'm old and I don't need a young whipper snapper like you reminding me every ten minutes, call me Bev!" Her face showed she wasn't offended and I had to giggle between sniffing back my melancholy. Bev patted my hand affectionately and continued, "What I'm going to say next won't be pleasant but I have to say it. You're worried about hurting your mother further, well let me tell you, you WILL hurt her, and I dare say a darn sight more before this is over." "There is nothing you can do now to stop that. No matter what you do or say, not saying anything will hurt her a hell of a lot more. Therefore it's up to you, do nothing and destroy your relationship with your family, or risk the hurt you know will come and pray that everything works out in the end." "There's no easy way out of this, is there?" Bev shook her head. "Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy my dear!" I nodded my understanding. "I can see hard roads ahead! I just hope I can repair them enough to stop ending up in a ditch." "You're on the right track to start. You've started your journey admitting you were in the wrong, and that no one else can take that blame." I smiled sadly and then looked at the clock. "Ohhh crap! I have to get home to see to dinner or mum will skin me alive!" Bev tittered. "Relax Kelly, she's not that bad. The reason you're down here is because she thinks it's time you had someone to help sort out your problem." Bev grinned. "That and the fact she's so impressed by your housekeeping, she's run out of things for you to do." I laughed as I got up. "Just the same, I don't want to go backwards here. I will ask you one favour though. I'd like to talk to you more about what went wrong, if it's okay with you?" Bev got up painfully and shuffled with her walking frame to the door with me. "It would give an old lady great pleasure to have you to chat with. You don't have to wait for your mum to send you down, you're welcome anytime." I smiled at the kindness Bev showed me. "Thanks Bev, you have no idea just how much I needed a receptive ear and some solid council." I left feeling better about my situation than I had since all my troubles started. I knew now that they started the day I met up with Pamela and let myself be dragged into their cauldron of perversion. All I needed to find out was why I was so easily led. Maybe then I would have something to talk to mum about? Mum came home from where ever she was for the day to the smell of roast beef and baked veggies. She stood in the doorway to the kitchen for some minutes before addressing me. "So, what have you been up to while I've been out?" I smiled to myself. Mum was suspicious since I looked happier and I found it funny that I didn't feel slighted by her lack of trust. Trust was something that was going to take some time to re-establish. "Nothing...I did as you asked, I watched a couple of cooking shows on television while I was at Be...Mrs Pascoe's. They did a roast and she gave me a few hints. I thought I'd have a go at it." I turned the light on in the oven to check it. "I'm hoping it turns out right." I stood up and went back to the sink to finish washing some knives and forks. "I then helped Mrs Pascoe with some gardening. She's moving a little easier, but still has trouble getting around. If you don't mind, I'll go down every day to see that she's not having any trouble. I'll be sure not to let it interfere with my chores here." I was looking mum straight in the face and I could see the surprise eat into her suspicion, but she didn't take it further. "Okay, good...I ahhh...I'll be tied up for the next week or two. Keep this place neat and tidy and I won't mind you spending your free time down at Beverley's, as long as you don't annoy her. You got that?" I nodded my understanding and repeated. "Yes mum!" but in a more light-hearted tone of voice and mum frowned, but didn't pick me on it. Dinner was as normal as it had been since I moved back in, but for some reason I didn't feel as much of an outsider. Maybe it was my mood that made the difference? Mum even commented on my roast, although she didn't go overboard with the compliments. Dad as usual didn't say a word, but that didn't stop him from going back for seconds. From then on, every chance I got to head down to Beverley's, I took it. ~...~ It's been over twelve months now since my marriage exploded in my face, and mum knocked on my door to my room in the basement. I was mildly surprised since she had never done this before. Instead she'd just walk straight in. I suppose she thought an errant child has no right to privacy. Hell, I hadn't had a door until last month, when I came home to find that dad had put one on. I thanked him, but he just grumbled some inaudible comment and went on about his business. I took that as acceptance of my gratitude...well he did actually acknowledge me, and that in itself was a step forward. "Your father and I have a wedding to go to today. What are your plans?" I may be mostly invisible to all and sundry, but that doesn't mean I'm totally in the dark. I knew who's wedding my parents were invited to and it made my stomach tie itself in knots. "I think I'll spend the day with Mrs Pascoe, if it's alright with you?" Mum nodded and turned to go. I could see she wanted to say something more, but didn't know how to bring it up, so I took the initiative. "Will you give James my best wishes? Tell him...tell him I really am sorry for what I did to him and our marriage. Tell him I'm glad to see his life is getting back on track." What I said was a half-truth, I didn't want James to marry someone else, but I knew that he deserved to be happy. Moreover, I knew by now that I wasn't going to be the one to make that happen. Mum stopped at what I had said but didn't turn around. She had her head down as though in thought. "I'm pleased you said that Kelly. I don't know if it will make James any happier, but I will tell him for you, I'll promise you that. You know I've been helping Michelle with their wedding plans? She doesn't have any parents to help her. Your father is walking her down the aisle and we're both on the wedding table. I felt I had to do something to...to...." Although this was news to me, I wasn't surprised, I knew my parents well enough to know mum and dad would do this for James. It did make me slightly jealous, but I understood. "I know mum!" I cut in, although this bit of information really did make my stomach cramp, I managed to console her. "Don't worry about it; you're doing the right thing. I know how much James means to you. I know how much you mean to James. I know he'll be feeling anxious about what you think of his marrying someone else. You doing this will help him not feel so bad about it." Mum went to go again. "Mum?" She stopped again but still didn't turn to face me. "I am truly sorry for everything I did. I don't know how to make it right. I doubt it can ever be put right. I do love you and it kills me to see you so sad over something I did. I've been talking with Mrs Pascoe, and she has given me a totally different perspective. When the time is right, maybe you and I can sit down and I'll try to answer all your questions." Mum turned to look at me with tears streaming down her face. Then she came back and hugged me. "When the time is right we'll know Kelly. Until then, you keep working on improving yourself and I'll be only too happy to give you the support you need." Mum let go of me and sniffed. "Damn, now I have to go repair my face before your father sees the mess I'm in." She patted my arm and left me feeling mixed emotions. I sat there for ages thinking. My whole life had been made up of everything to do with me. Until now, no one had been more important than me. I see that kind of thinking only leaves you on your own with no one to turn to for help when times are bad. Why should anyone help someone as conceited and self-centred as that? I overheard mum telling dad that James had thanked all his friends for helping him though his marriage break up. I had to laugh at myself. "What of my so called friends? Where were they when I needed them most? I'll tell you where they were, they were nowhere to be found. I had no friends, what I had were leeches that suck the life out of me! I had effectively alienated anyone who would have possible come to my aid. I got the life I worked so damn hard for only to find it wasn't what I wanted." When I accused him of hurting our friends, James snapped me at the courthouse and said 'they weren't our friends, they were your friends!' I now realise they weren't even my friends. To them I was some stupid donkey being lead around by a carrot on a stick that was firmly jammed up my arse! Beverley was sitting on the back veranda knitting in the midmorning warmth of a winter's sunshine. "Morning Bev, winter will be over by the time you finish that jumper!" "That'll be enough out of you young lady! I'm almost finished. What brings you down to annoy an old lady while she's having fun?" I stood for a minute before answering and Beverley picked up on my hesitation. "Ohhh that's right, your mum and dad are off to a wedding today!" I nodded dejectedly. "I know I deserve it, but it hurts just the same." Bev shook her head. "That's just your perception Kelly. James finished punishing you a long time ago. What James is doing now has nothing to do with you. He is just getting on with his life! The same as we're trying to do for you. Michelle and Sarah are good people, I like them both!" My head snapped up and the question was plastered all over my face, but I said it anyway. "When did you meet them?" Beverley just grinned. "When I was in hospital having my hip replaced. James came to see me and brought Michelle and Sarah with him. He's a lucky man to have the friendship of two beautiful women, although I don't cotton to what I hear about what goes on at their place. I don't think it's right, but it isn't my place to judge." Bev was frowning as she finished. "For once I agree with you Bev, but...well, I suppose it's for a different reason." I shouldn't have been surprised James would go and see Bev in hospital. It was something in his nature to be concerned for other's welfare. Another of his qualities I had effectively sidestepped and taken for granted. To get off the subject of James and his marriage, I commented on Bev's knitting again. "So you're almost finished knitting? I can't see how since you've been knitting for the last two weeks solid. And what is it your knitting?" Bev looked up over her glasses. "Bed socks! Have a look in that box right near your feet." I opened the box and found almost dozens of pairs of bed socks in all colours and patterns. "Wow, who are these for?" Bev chortled. "They're for the church fete next Sunday. I knit for the church winter fete every year. It's my little bit to give back to the community who have been so kind to me after my Walter passed on." "After all these years, you still miss him, don't you?" Beverley let out a wistful sigh. "Yeah, I miss the old bastard!" My eyebrows rose at Bev comment and she smiled. "I loved the prick and I still do, but you and I know that husbands can be a pain in the neck sometimes, no different to wives. He called me some names that hurt, and I called him some that he wrote down for later. We had some really good times, some not so good, to some that really were the pits. But all in all we were good together." Bev finished one sock and started on another, looking up every now and then to look at me. "I've cried on his shoulder and he took comfort in my arms. We were a team as solid as granite and as fluid as water. The most important thing was we both knew that no matter what, we had each other's back in a crisis. No matter what he called me in frustration, I knew that if anyone else had said the same he would have taken their heads off at the shoulders." I tried to relate this to my marriage to James and although I could see James doing something similar, I couldn't say for sure that I would have done the same. That revelation made me cringe with self-loathing. "I'm embarrassed to say that I can't say the same for me!" "I know Kelly, and you want to know why?" I scanned her face and shivered anticipating the answer I might get, but bit the bullet and nodded. Beverley smiled as she probably knew I wasn't going to like her answer. "Because you loved you more than you loved James!" I knew it and felt a stabbing pain in my chest. It was no surprise but it hurt just the same. "But I did and still do love him!" Bev looked me straight in the eye but never stopped her knitting. Her fingers seemed to know what to do without her thinking about it. "Ohhh I have no doubt that you loved him in your own way my dear. The problem was how that love manifested itself. You loved what James could do for you, what he could give you, and how he treated you." She looked down at what she was doing. "That's not true love Kelly. To love someone you have to forgive their faults as you admire strengths. I'll ask you this, was there anything you tried to change about James?" I felt a cold chill go through me. "I...I...yeah, there were things about James I wanted to change, how'd you know?" Bev cackled. "Simple my dear, stupid women do it all the time. I don't mean all women are stupid, just ones who try to do it are stupid! What was it that attracted you to James in the first place?" I didn't have to think about that one. "He is almost the perfect husband, funny, considerate, helpful, a good provider, protective and loving. The only thing that I wasn't happy with was his anal obsession with his name." I hesitated and then finished with a little embarrassment, "That and I'd have liked a more exciting sex life." Lemon to Lemonade Ch. 01 I saw the look on Bev's face when I said it and I thought I'd made a mistake. "So you decided without any discussion between you, to change him into the perfect husband? I cringed at how it sounded and didn't know what to say. "Ohhh my dear, you have fallen into the classic trap a lot of people fall into. To change one thing in a person, you change the whole person! Change enough and you end up with nothing of what you were originally attracted by." My frown made Bev sit and think. "Take my knitting for example. I change the tension on the wool, and the sock no longer is as soft to the touch. To fix that I have to change the wool thickness, maybe use bigger needles. The point is if you keep going you end up with something that is nothing like what you started with or wanted." I was slowly seeing what Bev was getting at. "What you're saying is that I didn't take into account what other attributes were attached to James's zealous reaction to his name. His strict belief in what he saw as right and wrong." Bev nodded giggling to herself. "In a confused sort of nut shell, yes my dear. You also loved to show off your husband like some trophy and then pack him away for when you needed him again. You bought yourself a husband at the husband shop, didn't you? How much did he cost you Kelly? How much did it cost and what did you use as payment to buy your husband?" My conversation at the courthouse came to mind. James had basically said the same thing when he asked me what I thought marriage was all about. I had answered stupidly 'What do you mean by that?' I now realise that my answer and Bev's insight said it all. Bev stopped to count stitches and then continued, "What you didn't do was love James the person with all his faults, the man who loved you and all your faults with every ounce of his being. Can you say that you have no faults? This is a man who pledged his life to you on your wedding day? The same man who worked long hours just so you could flounce around being society's Florence Nightingale with all your charities you supported with his money? While impressing your so-called friends with your high fashion and trinkets, you were a child in love with an idea of being married and nothing more!" I felt like throwing up. I don't know if I could go on with this and Beverley could see the pain in my face. "Not nice to confront your id and look it squarely in the face. I know, I've had to do it at times and I hate it every time I do. It's an ugly entity residing in all of us Kelly. The trick is to know it's there and to harness it for good. Let it have its head and you become the very monster that destroys your very own soul!" "How did I miss learning about this? Was I absent from school when they talked about our id? Wasn't I listening to mum or dad when they had the birds and the bees talk with me?" Beverley tittered and then scowled as she dropped a stitch. "Now look what you made me do!" She went back to cackling like an old witch as she counted her stitches, it annoyed me she was making light of my concerns and she noticed. "Ohhh lighten up Kelly. The damage is done woman and there is no going back. Look at the bright side, your idiocy may have killed your marriage, but it didn't kill you. You're still breathing enough to learn from your mistakes!" I sat and waited until Bev smiled and then looked over her glasses at me. "There are no classes or lessons on learning about yourself Kelly. That is where your parents failed you my dear. Your mother knows this and so does your father. They cotton-balled you sweetheart!" I shook my head in confusion. "I'm not sure I understand what you mean?" Beverley sighed dramatically. "I'm too old to be giving you the facts of life. However I feel that if you and your parents are to survive this I'll have to try." Her hands went back to knitting as she looked me straight in the eye. "Your mum and dad tried to give you a better life than they had. Not that that isn't a worthy goal, but some things need to be hard to make us appreciate them." Bev stopped knitting, rolled what she had into a ball, and laid it on the table beside her. "Would you like a little insight from a stupid old lady into the follies of marriage and family life?" I looked Bev directly in the face and laughed, this woman maybe old but far from stupid. "Well yeah, in my opinion, a step up from my moronic to your stupid is a step forward not back, don't you think? So fire away." We were both laughing at that. When I was a young lassie much younger than you, the family unit was set up very different than it is today! Men were the masters of their domain! What my father said was law, and my mother, my sisters and I bowed to his authority. Now don't get me wrong here, I don't think that was any better than what we have today. Just the way it was." Beverley held her hand up to shade her face. "When I got old enough to marry and have children of my own, things did change. They didn't change a great deal mind you, but they did change. World War II helped women get out of the kitchen and into the workforce. That laid the groundwork for women of your mother's era to go for equality. I believe the advent of the pill also changed the dynamics of relationships and family life." Bev looked up at the sky. "How about we go inside and make a nice cup of tea. I think I've had my fair share of sun today." As I put the kettle on, Bev settled herself onto one of her kitchen chairs. "It's a human trait to try and give our children an easier life than we have had. Your parents fought tooth and nail to send you to the best schools, buy you the latest fashions and give you the life they never had. Bev set the cups up and I poured the water into the teapot. "What they failed to appreciate is people rarely heed those lessons or appreciate the things they themselves don't fight for. Briefly, give a child candy and he'll expect it, and throw a tantrum if he doesn't get it. Have him work for the treat and he'll enjoy his candy so much more when he does eventually buy his own!" I sat down and pondered my life up until now. For the life of me I couldn't remember not getting anything I asked for. If I asked, I got! Turning to Bev, "I heard my grandmother say on many an occasion. 'Spare the rod, and spoil the child?' I thought then that she was a mean old witch that just hated children. Now I see that maybe she was right in a fashion." Bev was smiling as she rotated the teapot six times in one direction and six back the other. "Precisely my dear, not literately, but figuratively speaking yes. You never had a chance to learn the hard lessons life is meant to teach. They wrapped you up in cotton wool and then expected you to go out there and be good and live with others." I frowned. "What I did wasn't my mother's fault. I did it all by myself!" Bev grinned. "I'm pleased you understand, and yes it was your fault that you allowed those hussies to brainwash you. However your mum and dad have to take a small amount of blame for your downfall, as does James. They allowed you to get away with what you saw as rightful dues. They basically gave you a gun and no lessons on how to use it! No insight into what damage a gun can do." I was getting confused as to what Beverley was trying to say and she saw it in my face. "Think of the freedom and power you had. Have you heard the saying, 'Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely?' I shook my head. "No, I can't say I have." "It was first put forward by a gentleman by the name of John Emerich Edward Dalberg Acton, or more simply put, Lord Acton in a letter to Bishop Mandell Creighton in eighteen eighty seven." I shrugged my shoulders, "So?" "Beverley chortled. "So my dear, the women of today are playing with firearms they know little about. The girls of today don't understand just how much power they wield. They have gained power at the expense of men while retaining all the power women have always had over men." "Don't you go saying that it's not true. We both know what a bare leg or seductive smile will do to men. You commented to me a while back that your mother was trying to turn you into a nineteen twenties housewife. Making out that you should be barefoot and pregnant with apron strings tied to the sink." I remember my rant about how I felt mum was subjugating me with all the demeaning household chores I was doing. "She was punishing me! You only have to look at what I'm wearing to see that," I stated flatly. "You could say that. But it was more to give you an idea of what she had to deal with in her life from her perspective. She is trying to show you how easy you had it growing up and hopefully appreciate what you have." I sighed. "Ohhh I appreciate what I had. The problem is I didn't appreciate it at the time! What did you mean by women playing with firearms? Are you saying today's woman doesn't have to right to social equality? If it is, I'd find it distasteful coming from a man and downright incomprehensible coming from a woman!" Bev sighed, at my comment. "No Kelly, I know what it sounds like, but that's not what I'm saying at all. How about I give you a history lesson into the dynamics of relationships between the sexes down through the ages?" I shrugged, this conversation was starting to get aggravating and my hackles were bristling as Bev droned on. "Okay, how about for simplification we group the timeframe into age groups, my grandmother, my mother, me, your mother, and finally you. That way we can see the changes that have occurred though the relationship between men and women. Five generations of women, although from different families, down through the ages." "Sounds simple enough even for me." I was fast becoming irascible and I had to check my temper. Beverley was sharp as ever and scowled. "Don't you be getting testy with me young lady! I'm just trying to help you see why you were thinking like you were." I suddenly felt sheepish and apologised, then sat meekly ready for my history lesson. Bev continued, "Okay, as I have already said, before my mother was born, in my grandmother's day, the head of the household was the man. There was no refuting that, and even the law was on the man's side. As bad as it may seem, there were rules in place to see that most of the time the wife was looked after. As in every generation, there were those that skirt society's convention, but mostly it worked. Gentlemen held doors for women and laws either legal or moral were in place to ensure the husband didn't abuse his authority. Again there were the few that flouted the system." "Boys and young men were taught at a very young age to be respectful of females. The saying, 'you don't hit girls' given to boys comes from this age. Young men were made to understand that their power was a privilege, not to be abused, but to be seen as a duty. Children were taught to mind their p's and q's, although it was more for teaching which way the tail went on the letter, however it gained acceptance to mean 'be mindful of your action with others'. But in all, men had the power and years of practice to wield that power for the good of the community in general." "Before you go off and say it was also stacked in the husband's favour, yes it was but he also had responsibilities to both his wife and daughters. You've heard how men complain about how unfair the legal system is for the father and husband these days. Well that comes from that time when the wife had no way of supporting herself if there was a divorce." "In the same vein, a daughter had no way of making an acceptable living until she married. She had no assets to speak of except for her dowry, again something set up to ensure the woman had support. "Since then women have jobs of their own and money to look after themselves. The courts no longer lay blame for adultery and the guilty party isn't punished unless it's the husband. Moreover, he's punished no matter if he's in the wrong or not. Take your divorce! Without that prenuptial, James would have been punished for your adultery, not you. You would have walked away from your marriage with half of what James had worked for all your marriage, an yet he had done nothing wrong!" Back a hundred years ago, James wouldn't have needed that prenuptial. You would have been guilty of adultery and sent packing by the courts. If there were children involved, then you wouldn't have been allowed to having custody because of your immoral behaviour. Women have gained an advantage without paying a price for it." I felt frustrated that I couldn't deny any of what Bev was saying. "My mother was born in eighteen ninety five and she saw the start of the women's movement. In challenging the male's kingdom, women were given the vote and things started to change, although not so fast, society could cope with it. I was born in nineteen twenty five and I saw the outbreak of World War II. Again things changed a little faster. Women were forced into the workforce to supply arms and infrastructure for the war effort. When the war ended, they stayed because there was a shortage of healthy men to take over." I was suddenly enwrapped with Bev's history lesson and sipped my tea in stern concentration of what Bev was saying. "Up until my era women were still treated with respect. There were society morals to uphold. For instance men didn't swear in front of women, they held doors open and were courteous. Yes, it does seem a little demeaning for women to be treated like a child who needs to be guided through her entire life, especially when you look back on it from our perspective today. The point I'm trying to make is that there were rules of conduct in place for both genders." "Now we're coming up to the present day with your mother being a baby boomer!" "Baby Boomer?" was my questioning reply. Beverly chortled with shoulder shaking with laughter. "Yes my dear, she's the product of post WWII, nineteen fifties economic and population boom. Before then, there were two decades of hard times. You're mother grew up knowing how hard her parents worked for what meagre processions they had. By the time she was old enough to marry and have children, people were living on the fat of the land." "That is when true feminism first took hold. With the advent of the pill and women working for themselves, men's rolls were savagely rewritten. With the pill on hand, women didn't need to be the conscience of morality. Back before your mother's time, it was we women who were taught they had to stay chaise in order to control the male's sex drive. Very little contraception in those days and abortion was not a hospital procedure. It was something resorted to by desperate women and generally with disastrous consequences, any woman turning up pregnant out of wedlock was ostracised for being loose with her moral duty." Beverley took a sip of her tea and waited for me to digest all this. I queried, "So what you're saying, irrespective of how one feels about the treatment of men and women back a hundred years or so, they had rules to keep society from falling apart into general chaos?" Bev put her cup down nodding. "Every generation has its checks and balances to ensure harmony. However, they are written up by society and they take time to prove themselves. Now we come to your generation. Social change as far as it pertains to women has risen at an exponential rate and far outstripped society's ability to keep up with it." "Effectively what you have is selling the gun before the manual has been written on proper handling. Back in my day if a man rubbed himself up against a woman, he was labelled a cad, a letch or a dirty old man and shunned. Women were despised as harlots and hussies. There were social attitudes that kept morality from crumbling." "Today we have sexual harassment laws that take their place, but the government moves slower than a snail when it comes to change. I see women these days blatantly harassing men sexually. If a man did half of what I see young women do today, they'd be brought up on sexual harassment charges. In my day the women of today would be social outcasts, condemned by their peers as nothing but whores and common prostitutes. Men in general don't know where they stand when it comes to what is right and wrong anymore. Political correctness has gone mad trying to balance the scales. They have lost their superiority to women, who haven't yet worked out how to use the gain for the good of society. " "Women have always had the power to lure men to do their bidding. Now they have more power because they really don't need males to survive. The rules men played by don't translate to women, because of the differences in the way both genders think. Women today are like a child in a candy shop and no one to keep them in check. You my dear are a prime example of that child. You were queen of all you surveyed and took what you wanted, irrespective of the consequences. You thought of no one but yourself." I was frozen to my seat with this revelation and Bev saw the stunned look on my face. "Let me clarify my thinking here. Not all women these days do it. Most are very responsible human beings. The few women who do, have dropped through the cracks in today's outdated moral regulations and newfound bureaucratic mumbo jumbo. You Kelly were one! Society only works if you give as much, if not more, than you take." Beverley patted the box I had brought in with her knitting. "People have helped me, and I give back to the public in the only way I can. You took and never gave. Why is that Kelly?" I had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, "Because I'm selfish and stupid?" Beverley smiled sympathetically. "A little bit Kelly, but more so, you hadn't been taught to use the power you inherited from previous generations for the good of everyone. Humanity is basically selfish. It comes with the individuality of its constituents. To live with others, man has to compromise for what he wants and what's good for those around him. Most times helping others gains you ten times the help back." Bev sat there looking the kindly old woman she was. "To bring it all down to two simple statements, 'Look after those who look after you!' or 'Don't bite the hand that feeds you!' It's that simple Kelly." I left Beverley that afternoon with a lot to think about. I needed time to digest everything I'd heard, and how it pertained to my situation. My thoughts were dark as I lay on my bed. Tears came and went remembering just how I'd acted and I felt revulsion. I was starting to really understand what I had done to James and it made me both angry with myself and sad that I'd let this happen. Bev had said it was partly my parents fault and maybe I should be annoyed. Not so much for what they did, moreover, what they failed to do. However, could it not be said, they acted in good faith, not understanding what they themselves were doing? I saw the bottom line here. No matter at whose feet I wished to lay the blame, I still had to accept the fact that other women were brought up not very differently than me and haven't done what I had done. They had worked it out, so why hadn't I? The answer stuck in my gut like a lump of rancid meat making me nauseous. I was a stupid, selfish, self-centred slut who thought of no one but her own interests! The responsibility was ultimately mine and it made me realise there was only one person who can turn this around. To Be Continued My usual request applies...Although voting and/or commenting is optional, it helps an author to improve and understand his/her readers.