0 comments/ 45985 views/ 39 favorites Just a Good Ole Boy By: maninconn Disclaimer! I am not a lawyer. I write these stories for fun. I publish them on a free site because it is not a professional endeavor. It is fiction. It is fantasy. I did not research the divorce laws of the great states of North or South Carolina. I don't care if either state has the legal processes mentioned or if you can sue for alienation of affections...or not. I wrote it, I make the rules, laws, time zones and everything else about the setting. If that bothers you alot, don't read it, or better yet write your own. Where would Lewis Carroll be without a magical looking glass. However, if it only bothers you a LITTLE, read on because I left a way out for you. I never mentioned North or South when I said Carolina. So let's consider it as happening in a fictitious state, Middle Carolina, in a parallel universe's USA on the continent of Middle Earth. That way I can not only invent my own divorce laws, but I can use Hobbits if I choose. I wrote my main characters in dialect because it felt fun. I intended no offense. I rather like hearing the wonderful local color and the varied accents around the country. I imagined Joe as a slow speaking good ole boy who taught a few slick operators how wise it is to slow down and not to underestimate someone because they do something a little differently. ***** Hey y'all, my name's Joe. Just Joe, nothin else. Actually my Momma named me Billy Joe and my Daddy's family name was Radon. Yup, just like that there gas what y'all wanna keep out'cher house a fer it kills y'all. But when I was a kid in school, havin a teacher call me Billy Joe Radon when she took he attendance always made me sound like a redneck. Y'all know what I'm talkin bout, Billy Joe Ray Don like I was named for four different guys. Either I had a family proud enough of is men-folk to name me after all them, or my momma was some kinda roun' heeled slut what didn't know who mah daddy really was, so she named me after all of em what could have gotten the job done. But you'd be wrong. Momma was a good woman. A god fearing woman what worked hard to raise me an my four brothers up with no help from my daddy. No, don't go thinking that he run off with some trailer park honey an left my momma barefoot and broke with five screaming boys. Daddy weren't no fool, he was a pilot, and a damn good one. He was a war hero. A combat fighter. A full bird colonel. Got his wings to fly and his wings to lead, so no bad mouthing my daddy neither. Daddy died in a car accident when the brakes on an ordinance truck failed and crushed his car as he parked at his post. The ordinance didn't blow up, but you know that stuff's mighty heavy, and poor daddy didn't have a chance in the antique Triumph Spitfire he liked to drive to work. Little English roadster, big Mack Truck, heavy load, shitty brake maintenance, and we are living on survivors benefits. I didn't ditch my given names out of no shame. I did it cause I don't talk so fast, and four names seemed a waste of time. Not t' mention words. Too many wasted words bouncin' roun' out there in the universe. Somebody's liable t' get hurt. So if Bono and all them singing stars can go by one name, and all them soccer stars can get by with one name, then by gum, I can be Joe. Just Joe. Now when Daddy had his accident I was 14. I had to start thinking like the man of the house, so I got me a part time job picking up round Ben Carter's garage. He didn't pay much, but I did get to help his guys work on cars, and was learnin' a lot. I soon decided I was learnin' more there at the garage than in school. There you go jumpin' to conclusions again, no I didn't drop out. Well I did, but not then, not yet. I knew school was important. But the way I saw it, I'd been speaking English purty near all my life and was gettin' along fine. Maybe the queen of that there England wouldn't like mah accent any, but I 'spect she had no clue how to roast a pig on the grill to a Carolina boys' taste like i cold, so we was even. Live'n let live. I also was doin' real good with numbers in school. Real good! Now my success with the numbers wuz the first reason I started to question my schoolin'. Ya see, I had this here real purty teacher name of Miz Egge. Y'all should know ya pronounce the "e" on the end, so Egge rhymes with leggy, and I'll be darned if she wasn't the leggiest woman I ever saw. Miz Egge was a young teacher, her first year, an I knew she was closer to my age than she was to most of the other teachers in the school. Now, now, don'chy'all think like that, I had a crush on Miz Egge, but there weren't nothin' gonna come of it. I knew she could get in big trouble for messin' with a kid, and I didn't want that on my conscience. Get those damned stereo types out'ch' your head. People y'all call Rednecks are good hard workin' folk. The whole red neck label comes cuz we work so hard outside gettin' things done, not sittin' round some desk all day. Not that there's shame at workin' at a desk either, but that don't mean bein a redneck is a crime or somethin' shameful! We don't revel in havin' four first names, our mommas aren't all steppin' out the trailer at night to sample the neighbor men, and our daddies ain't all stoopin the check out girl down to the Piggly Wiggly. Well, maybe some of 'em do them things, but I reckon Yankees do that up north in New York and Westconsin too. One thing y'all might not know about stereotypes is that they can be used to a person's advantage. Watch it happen sometime. Like when Y'all are sittin there at the beach soaking up some sun, an some feller from the beach rentals drops by and asks if you want to rent his umbrellas. Y'all say, no thanks, we have our own. We just can't get them dug down into this here hard packed Carolina sand. Then, you think " heythe cabana boy is talking real slow." Y'all assume that means he ain't so bright. So y'all say, hey. Your umbrellas stay put real well, how y'all do that. He says no problem, I can set y'all up for five bucks. You pull out a five, he takes out his battery operated drill with the two foot long auger and in thirty seconds has your umbrella set up. You remark at the ingenuity, not knowing we been doin ' this for years as those big ole plastic umbrella screws y'all use up in New Jersey just don't cut it here. So you pull out another fiver, and ask the kid to drill one for your second umbrella, and he does. You thank him, your daughter smiles real cute at him, and he walks back to his little shack smiling 'cause he has ten bucks in his pocket that he doesn't have to declare to his boss 'cause he didn't rent'cha nothin,'and he knows that his odds are good for dancin' the horizontal mambo with yer daughter that night after the young folks social hour at the hotel bar. Meanwhiles, you could have rented two umbrellas, installed as you like 'em, with two comfy lounge chairs to boot for the same ten bucks, and not had t'' carry nothin' from yer car. Yep, I may talk slow, but it jes might be cause I'm a' thinkin 'bout what I got t'say. That's how 'n advantage can hide in a negative stereotype. I was talkin' 'bout school wasnt I? Miz Egge, right? Well, I get off track too, deal with it. So I took my schoolin' with a grain of salt. I never did the work in Miz Egge's math class, the number just made sense. Ya know how after you learn to add, if someone says what's two plus two you just see the numbers? The answer just pops right up? Well that's how I did math even into high school. I took geometry, and I just saw the right answer. I got a B+ cause I never showed my work. Proofs? What I care about a proof or a theorem when I already know the answer. If I ain't gonna say all four'a my first names I sure as hell aint doin no proof in Geometry. An'if Miz Egge thought keepin' me after class to admonish me was somethin' I saw as an attitude adjustment, she sure had a warped sense of how to punish a kid. Pacing back 'n forth front of me in those short skirts 'n heels weren't no detention. ' At there was Paradise! And speakin of pairs, if I got her real mad at what she called my lackadaisical ways, she would get her dander up and wind up leaning over in front of me at my desk, her long blonde hair spilling down her shoulders, and her blouse billowing open so I could have a full unfettered look at her luscious tatas. Yup, that's what I call punishment! Beat me baby, it hurts soooooo good. One day she was givin' me what fer, and asked me what she had to do to get me to reach my potential in math. "Miz Egge, y'all doin fine." I told her. "I get your worry, but I'm doing real good in math cause y'all such a good teacher. I'll make you a deal. If I can prove you do a fine job with my numbers learnin,' you have to promise me you'll go to dinner with me." One thing we had learned about Miz Egge, was she didn't back off from a challenge. We'd seen her stand up to men teachers who were, lets say, less than professional, and we'd seen her stand up for a buddy of mine whose dad was a little mean to his kids when he'd been drinking. So I knew Miz Egge would do some of whatcha call negotiating with me. Didn't expect her to accept the challenge as it was, but she did. She stopped hasseling me about showing the damned work, just started giving me B- for not showing work instead of B+, and I kept getting every answer right in spite of mediocre grades. Yup, I got me 100% right on every test, But a grade of B-. Then I signed up for her trigonometry class and spent the next year doin it all again. Then I dropped out. I got the math. I spoke the English. I even learned some Spanish. I learned about that there Marshall Plan and Treaties of Versailles and what feldspar was and how that there prince in Denmark what used a play to reveal his uncle killed his daddy the king because he was boinkin' his momma the queen. Hey, doesnt that sound like one of then soap opr'y stories one of them Yankees would write about trailer parks? Maybe! But it done come from the pen of none other than Billy Shakespeare himself. I didn't drop out because I didn't want to learn. I dropped out because I was learni ' AND makin' money in the garage. Heck, ole Ben had me doing things like changing out burnt taillights, adjusting and replacing belts, mounting new tires, and even doing brakes. Course he always supervised my work if it were a safety issue, but I did right by him. I did go back to collect on my deal from Miz Egge. Even though I dropped out before I was done with trigonometry, I figured since I was out of school, so it was worth a shot. Jus for kicks, I signed up for the big test they give the seniors even though I hadn't had but a year and a half of classes. I failed the real test for not showing work. I think that were a conspiracy. But I bought one of them study guides, and showed Miz Egge the sample tests that I had aced. "You don't get it Joe," she told me. "Math is about process. You have to show your work, or it is like cheating. Besides, I really can't go to dinner with you. Even though you aren't a student any more, you are still under age, and my fiancé wouldn't approve very much." Well weren't that a kick in the chest. Miz Egge was not only a welsher, she was engaged. Guess my ship had sailed. So I learned cars. Then I learned Diesel engines. I was reading ever thing about mechanics. It was good reading. While I was at the library getting books, I started reading stories too. I found out that there was more to Billy Shakespeare than that Hamlet stuff, and that lots of those writers were pretty good. I read about science. I read about religion. I read history and politics. Wound up dropping out of church and became what ch'y'all call a political independent when it was time to vote too, cause I decided being told what to do, how to vote and what to believe by big systems were as stupid as showing the work in school. Feller ought to be able to decide which crook running for office sees things closest to his way instead of having to vote a party line because the guy got more money from Hollywood or Wall Street than t'other guy. And religion? Feller ought to be free to read the Lord's word and decide for himself what it means himself. I decided I was gonna be free an easy. And I was gonna get mah learnin' in mah way. By the time I turned 20, my friends were in college. My brothers, helped by what money I made at Ben's had flourished, and two of them were in college too. Momma died that year. She didn't see my two younger brothers graduate, but we knew she was proud of each of us. She told my brothers she was leaving me the house, and then told me I was to take care of the family home, so they would always have someplace to go and even bring their families. I promised her I would. She died telling us how proud she was of all five of her sons, but she was holding my hand. By the time I was 22 I was Ben's best mechanic. Not band fer a kid who dropped out at 16 without ever showing his work. When a neighbor asked Ben if we could take a look at the engine on an ole cropduster, I figured how tough can it be? I'd worked on tractors and generators and cars and trucks and busses and even a broke down conveyor belt motor down t'the Coop, and fixed em all. So I found an ole manual an fixed it. The engine dummy, not the manual. No big deal, pistons is pistons, ya know? Then I met the pilots' daughter. We hit it off big, and right away. She loved that I only had one name to say too. She decided to drop her last name too. SueAnn Sally Tyler was quite a mouth full too. So she became just SueAnn. No dipshit, it's one name. Called a contraction, and we love it for names down here. Lets us get more on the name line of a birth certifikit. SueAnn 'n I were married within a couple'a months. Yup, 'I married the crop-duster's daughter." Sounds like the name of a good book. I loved that woman. I loved the baby we had before our first anniversary. By gum she done threw me three kids, all daughters, in the first two and a half years. I did my best to give them the best, 'n with me workin' so hard, the garage was doing real well. SueAnn 'n I were happier than a couple of calves in a meadow, and spent all our free time kissin' and huggin' and, well you know. But we decided three kids was plenty. After all I was still watchin' over my brothers who were all still in school. Yup, one was in med school, another, one ready to graduate and be a baker of some sort, and the youngest a West Point keydet. And I was driving the whole thing workin' on cars. A red necked grease monkey head of the family. Kind'a poetic, y'all. Brung a tear t'mah eye anyways. When I began fabricating my own parts that turned out better than factory equipment, Ben made me a partner. I was regularly working on oddball requests, and done come up with some new ideas what made old gear work better, on everything from irrigation equipment to things around the house. Ben hired more guys. We made more money. Charlie fucked SueAnn. Yup, the love of my life became a living stereotype. Red neck trailer park trash girl steps out on husband and three kids for a night of ecstasy with an older wealthier man. Charlie was an engineer down at the base. He was the point man for a big defense contractor what built planes and a variety of other devices ranging from ventilation systems to automated security gates. His job was to supervise the high performance of their high performance products and to train the airmen in the use of everything they provided. Charlie met SueAnn at the dance club where she and her girls liked to go let their hair down while their men stayed home with the kids. It was a purty common occurrence round these parts, and we think it is kind of civilized to let our girls out for a night of gossip and fun. Course the girls all show us their appreciation when the night is done by comin home and jumpin their guys bones til he's all wore out. The boys all have similar nights when we bowl, fish or just sit down't the local bar where we drink 'n tell lies all night. Nobody gets riled up about it, cause we all have a way of watching out for each other, 'n especially each others partners. It's a win win thing! Seems I lost this perticular win win thing though. Charlie won. SueAnn won. There's only two wins in a win win situation, 'n I didn't get me one. That purty well made me the loser of a win win situation which is 'bout a big a loser's there is! Charlie set his sights on SueAnn, and she fell for his lines. By the time he was done flapping his jaw, she'd likely thought he was a god or sumpin.' But like I tole y'all, we watch out fer each other. Her girls circled the wagons, called bullshit on Chariel's spiel, and shooed him away. Seems he kep tryin' to get close 'n wouldn't take no fer an answer, so they called in a couple of local boys to teach him respect. Well he left. But he didn't leave far, he just waited fer her outside the club. He approached her out in the lot later when she left, then give her a line about how sincerely sorry he was, wantin' to make it up to her. Apparently he made it up right there in the back seat'a her car. Then again at the motel 'cross the street a couple'a times, then in our driveway when he dropped her home. Got me a picture of that one without even goin' outside. He dropped trou right there and she kneeled there and sucked his puny thing dry while I clicked a couple of pictures from the garage window. The confrontation wasn't purty. I was sitting in the darkened living room when she came inside. I had Kenny Rogers on the stereo singing "you picked a fine time to leave me Lucille." It was on repeat. I wanted the atmosphere to be guilt filled. We argued, she denied nothin.' She was actually proud of what she was doin'. Charlie was a great man, not some hillbilly grease monkey, and he could show her and her girls a fine life. "With four hungry children and a crop on the field." Sing it Kenny. Long story short, she had decided she wanted the bright lights, big city scenario he could deliver within a year when he expected to become a divisional manager in his company. He needed a beautiful wife who could manage his big house in the suburbs and give him a family. He was fine with my girls goin' along so she didn't have to give up her babies. He was datin' a couple women looking for the perfect choice, and she was ready to trade up. "I've had some bad times and lived through some sad times" Amazin' how fast everything can fall apart. I had divorce papers served the next day, I was hit with a restraining order keeping me out of my own house, and could only see my little girls weekends. The letter suggested I get me a lawyer. Y'all ever imagine me working through a lawyer!? "But this time the hurtin' won't heal. You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille." Ya think if I wrote Kenny he'd tape the song for me singin' SueAnn stead of Lucille. Nah, that'd be wrong. I only wish she'd'a jes left me with my home 'n my three children. So I moved out. Didn't agree to a meeting about dividing assets when they wanted. I said I didn't plan to take their deals, and planned to read up on how to handle things myself. Did just that. Plus I had Ben fire me. I didn't plan to give her my money too, 'n if I weren't makin' any, I couldn't give her any. If y'all are wonderin' bout my partnership with ole Ben, well there weren't no paper on that. We did it like good Southern Gentlemen by shakin' hands 'n then drink in' a beer together. Luckily, I didn't keep all my savings in the bank, no sir. Kept enough to let me do business, but I tended to keep lots of my savings in a safe spot close at hand. I know I violated the restraining order, but I snuck into the woods back'a my house 'n after some diggin' made' a withdrawal or two from the family bank, a buried strong box back by the creek. I bought me a camper with my withdrawal. A ten year old Winnebago built to sleep six. I parked it back on a little piece of property my daddy bought hopin' he'd build us a cabin one day. Then I studied law. I didn't go t' school, I read just every bit about family law I could find. Ben brung me some work I could do there during the day, and paid me under the table. I didn't need the money, but he was swamped without me workin' so it was helpin' him out. Just a Good Ole Boy Time went by. I learned about dee-vorces. I learned about custody of young uns. I learned all bout the dee-vision of assets. Ya know, that should be all there is to it, dee-vidin the assets. She don't want me no more, she can divide her ass from mine and set it over yonder't Charlie's house. All this whoo haa involving judges and lawyers, 'n her wantin' me to give up my momma an daddy's house fer her 'n her lover to set up house in as Charlie's con-Q-bine is jes a load a...oops. Sorry Momma, I almost said a curse. Anyway, then I'm s'posed to pay her ally-mony so he an' that Yankee lunkhead kin live together on my nickel in my house and doin the deed in my bed well they jes gotta nuther thing comin' to em y'all. I weren't born slow, I jes speak slow. I mean "slowly." See Miz Egge, a proper adverb. I done learned my grammar too. I refused to meet anyone connected to the proceedings, and didnt sign or answer any of their fancy letters I had to sign fer. Imagine how that must'a got their goat, they paid good money ta send an ordinary letter 'n I still didn't answer. That's probly one a the reasons the whole legal system costs too much. Fer that matter, since the whole goverment is made up of fools what send a two dollar letter to be ignored when a fifty cent letter can git ignored jes as well is probly the entire reason I pay half my paycheck in taxes. Still, ya can't put things off ferever, 'n the day finally come ta see the judge. I figgered SueAnn was gonna show up dress to kill. Not cause she wanted me to see what I'd be missin, or cause she wants't distract me. I jes know SueAnn, 'n she dresses up anytime she goes out. Today was gonna be her show, so it figgered she was gonna dress to be the center of attention. She didn't disappoint. Lordy that woman looked beautiful. Hair all purty 'n her face lookin' like it belonged in one'a them soap commercials where ever thing is clean and bright. It was my show too, though I reckon. I only had one suit. I wore it fer our wedding. I wore it to church every Sunday. I wore it to dressy family occasions. "I'm wearin' it today," I told myself. "An I'm wearin that fancy Ralph Low-ren tie she bought me cause it brings out the blue in my eyes. An I'm wearing that there fancy cologne she bought me cause she said it smells like sex in a bottle. I got me a fancy leather portfolio to hold my papers. And I bough me some shiny new shoes. Then I put on her Daddy's watch." Her Daddy liked me. When we got married, he dropped by my house to say hi. He asked me one more time if I planned to love his little girl and make her happy. When I said I would, he asked me if I truly believed his daughter loved me, and that I'd be happy all my life with her. When I said I did, he told me he was glad, and that he knew his daughter had a good man. Then he took this watch off his wrist and gave it to me. "Granddaddy gave me this watch when I married SueAnn's momma. He bought it to wear on his wedding day. I don't have any sons, Joe, and this watch needs to be passed on. I could wait for you to give me a grandson, but I'm giving it to you now, because I know you're the best thing that could ever happen to SueAnn. I have faith in you son, more than I have in SueAnn. She's flighty boy. She's fickle about everything, and I don't want to see her go bad on you. So watch your back boy. Keep her interested, and keep her busy so she stays out of trouble. Now take this watch as a symbol of my faith in you." SueAnn knew about the watch and what it meant. She would know the suit, the cologne, and everything else. And I wasn't finished yet. I came to play. Our pre trial hearing was first thing in the morning. Daisy's Cafe was a favorite breakfast spot in town, and no self respecting citizen ever went near the place in the morning. Since it was right across from the courthouse, I figgered Daisy would probly be there in the morning. So I sauntered right in like I owned the place, and while the bells on the doors was still a jingling I let out with a hearty "Morning' y'all! Where's the prettiest li'l ole biscuit chef this side'a Charestown!?" Now don't go thinkin' that were anything special, I walked in every day just the same way, flirtin' up a storm with Daisy Jean Carson, the boss. And she responded the she way she did every day: "why you sweet talkin' schmooze, don't think that's gonna get you any special treatment. You come n here wearin' that after shave makin' you smell like somethi' I wanna take home and lock up where I can keep ya to myself, jes ta git a free biscuit or too. I may be crazy bout'cha boy, but ya pay for your biscuits like everyone else." "Alright sweetheart, no need to get so mean about it. Seeins I gots to pay fer em, I'll only have 6 of them biscuits instead of seven. Gimme a side of bacon with that and I'll take my coffee black." "You'll take yer coffee like ever one else, with milk 'n sugar, a la Daisy's. 'N you ain't havin' more'n two biscuits, jes like every one else. I don't wanna go explainin' to SueAnn why you're gettin' so fat...oh Joe, I'm so sorry." She looked back to Sue Ann's booth where my lovely ex-wife had her head in her hands. "Oh damn, I really put my foot in it this time. SueAnn, no. Don't leave on account of my big mouth. I didn't mean to stir up a hornets nest with y'all, 'specially today." I let the expression on my face fall, and I turned on the bar stool looking down at my perfect cup'a black coffee which Daisy had poured, but not treated with her customary dose of cream and sugar, as SueAnn, Good Time Charlie, 'n some ruddy daddy in a suit what I assumed to be her legal eagle slipped quietly out the door without paying. I'm sure SueAnn was totally embarrassed by the exchange, as Daisy's gaff kinda repersented everone in town's mind that she and I were the perfect couple. To have that voiced so perfectly in front of a cafe full of her neighbors and witnessed by Charlie and the legal department of Snap, Crackle 'n Pop just couldn't of been scripted better. "Joe Joe, I'm really sorry. Seems I really upset SueAnn pretty bad too. She even left without paying. I think..." "Daisy! It's just Joe. Joe once. No doubly talking Joe Joe. 'N before you go 'n get..." "Damn it boy, ain't no native of these here parts I don't call by 't least two names, so you can't be in my place 'nless I got something' t'add to Joe!" "Darlin then. You kin call me Darlin'" " Joe Darling'...has a nice sound. Ok, Joe Darlin' it is." She reached out her hand and placed it on mine. "Really Joe, breakfast is on the house. I'm really sorry." "Nah Daisy. Here's fer my breakfast, and enough what ought ta cover SueAnn 'n her guests too. I can't let you take the hit cause I couldn't control my woman. Besides, this may be the last time I get to buy her a meal." "Girl's gone plumb crazy, Joe J...I mean Darlin'. Don't you fret about it though. She's always been a bit loopy, and you're more than just a good customer, I've known you all my life. I care 'bout you. Now I'm gonna tell you a secret. I call you all kinds of crazy things here when we're playin' around, you know with our customer to waitress flirting. But you know how I really think of you? I think of you as the one that got away. Just don't tell Ralphie. He didn't get away, and I plan t' keep him." "Damn," Ralphie hollered from his spot over on the grill. "I was hopin' y'all would get together 'n Joe'd take you off my hands girl. Then I could get serve black coffee in here!" Ralph got a chuckle all around. I felt better knowin' my friends were pullin' fer me. 'N most importantly, I had won the first battle of the war at hand. SueAnn had her legal beagle from Snap Crackle and Pop plus Good Time Charlie, but I had something more valuable. I had the home field advantage. That'n SueAnn's Daddy's watch. That day's hearing was less formal, 'n was held in the Judge's office. We drew Judge Judy DuPont, no relation to the Judge Judy from the TV. "Good morning everyone. Today is a preliminary hearing of the case of Mrs. SueAnn Meau-Joe versus her husband Mr. Joe seeking a dissolution of their marriage, sole custody of three minor children, and a continuance of a restraining order against Mr. Joe for reasons of physical abuse. Mrs. Meau-Joe seeks possession of the family home in order to have a place to raise the couple'a children, 75% of the families financial assets, maintenance payments in the amount of 75% of her husband's salary, and 75% of her husband's retirement accounts. I understand both of you have made unusual arrangements for representation, with Mrs. Meau Joe contracting out of state council and Mr. Joe. But before we deal with that, Joe and SueAnn, We've all known each other a long time. I am having great difficulty not breaking into laughter hearing you called Mr. Joe. You changed your name to just Joe, it seems adding the Mr. is at the least disrespectful of your wishes in that process. With your permission, I would like to call you and refer to you in the records by your legal name, Joe. "No objections, your honor. With your permission, I would prefer to refer to you as your honor, just 'cause it seems the right thing to do regardless how you address me." "That'll be fine Joe. Now SueAnn, with your husband going by Joe all these years, everyone just knows you as SueAnn. Calling you Mrs. Joe sounds as strange as calling him Mr. Joe. And hyphenating "Joe" with your maiden name doesn't work. It sounds ridiculous for you to be Mrs. MoJo! Would you object to me calling you SueAnn?" "No ma'am. I guess it is a little silly. I'm trying to get used to my new name. I plan to change it back to SueAnn Meau when I am divorced. I want my little girls to have a last name." "I understand. And I'll see to it that my clerk helps you do that legally. Now let's meet your lawyer." "Your honor, William Evan Clair, of the Boston firm of Lyons, Tyker and Baer representing the plaintiff Mrs. Meau-Joe. Um, sorry your honor, I've been practicing to say that without smiling too hard too. We are representing 'SueAnn' your honor." "'Scuse me your honor. Would it be alright if we call this here feller William too. If Mr. Joe and Mrs. MoJo are too silly to let us be serious, then you have to admit Mr. Everclear of the firm of Lions and Tigers and Bears is worth an eye roll too." It got a chuckle from Judge Judy, but Billy Clair wasn't havin' non of it. "Mr. Clair will be fine. I'd prefer to keep a professional deportment." "I understand Mr. Clair. Mr. Clair, are you licensed to practice law in our fair state?" "Your honor, I am not. I believe your state liberally grants temporary rights to practice providing a visiting attorney can provide qualifying credentials. I have such credentials here." " Your honor," Joe spoke up. "If'n it matters, I have no objection to Mr. Clair representing my wife." "Thank you Joe, that will save us time. Now why isn't your lawyer with you today." "We'll your honor, I don't believe I need one." "Joe, a lawyer is prepared to speak for you and help you navigate your way through legal procedures and maneuvering that can be very complicated. I really believe you should contact a lawyer before we proceed. I will grant you a two day continuance to do so." "I object your honor." Clair fired his first volley. "We feel Mr...ah...Joe has had plenty of time to prepare for today and make a decision. He has ignored our requests for meeting, and in fact all attempts at communication. His level of preparedness is his responsibility, and additional time will just reward his inaction." "I object too, your honor,"Joe spoke up too, to the surprise of everyone but Judge DuPont. "I knew you would Joe." "Yes ma'am. I object to being referred to as unprepared. I am very well prepared, and wish to continue. As a matter of fact, as far as I'm concerned we can finish this meetin' 'n then walk right over to your court room and get the real deal goin'." "A bit anxious Joe?" "No ma'am. I'm just ready, so if everyone else is too let's get down to it. But before we do end the preliminaries, I do have a couple of motions t' file." Judge DuPont was a bit surprised. I was proposing to file motions, and at the precise moment I should be doing so. I told you I studied law. Just not at a school. Amazing what you can learn by reading. This home field advantage was working so far. "Just a moment your honor. Before we even get to motions it is our duty request that you consider recusing yourself. We recognize that you are quite close to both Joe and SueAnn, and that such familiarity could lead to a conflict interest." "Mr. Clair, there are two judges in this county working family court. Our dockets are full. Judge Morgan, the other family court Judge coached Joe in little league and then again as his high school baseball coach. He is also SueAnn's cousin. If we brought in a judge from the criminal division, probate or civil court, I'm afraid you would find similar relationships. This court is very friendly and closely knit. There are no six degrees of separation here, it's more like two. If you don't know someone already, you know someone who knows that person. And before you request it, there will be no change of venue for a family court case. They may not worry about wasting taxpayer dollars up in Boston but we do here. Besides, the gossip mill around here is fast and far reaching. I don't think you could go anywhere in our fair state and find a judge who is totally in those dark bout this case. Sue Ann, did Joe ever hit you or hurt you?" "No ma'am." The room was silent. Judge DuPont was talking fast, like a Yankee. She just slipped that last one in kinda unexpected-like. SueAnn's reaction was quick and honest. I kinda felt proud'a my girl! "So much for continuing the restraining order. Who told you to say so?" "Oh it were my idea your honor. I jes thought..." "SueAnn you don't have a mean bone in your body. You're a little flighty sometimes, but you are so sensitive you couldn't hurt a fly. You don't have it in you to hatch a scheme involving violence that would hurt a good man like Joe. And you know he's a good man don't'cha." SueAnn hung her head. "Yes ma'am." "You know how much this hurt Joe, not comin' home and seein' his babies don't'cha." "Yes ma'am. Joe 'n I have irreconcilable differences, but I don't want him hurt. And my babies cry themselves to sleep ever night that they don't get'ta see their daddy." "Who told you to say that SueAnn." Again the judge was quick and unexpected, and before the suit from Lions, Tigers 'n Bears could say "Oh my" SueAnn blurted out "Charlie." Good Time Charlie 'bout'ta git the blues, I thought. Seemed like a good time to make my play. "Your honor, I think this is the time for me to make my first petition. I wish to file an action on one Charlie Bennett, a.k.a. Good Time Charlie, for alienation of affections. This suit is a class action, ma'am. Since I knowed Charlie's reputation, I've been checking round, and I have discovered no less than eighteen marriages he has broken up." She and Mr. Clair eagerly opened the envelopes containing the briefs in my filing. "Joe this is well written and researched. For someone who hasnt attended a day of law school it is incredible. who helped you?" SueAnn sat up a little straighter, and began to curl her hair with a finger. I reckon she was proud'a me fer the judge's compliment. "Well your honor knows my little brother is in his second year of law school. He looked it over, 'n said the same as you. He didn't change nothin' though, 'cept where I misspelled some of the Latin words. They're kinda mumbo jumbo to me, so before I take the bar exam, I guess I better read up on that some more." Judge DuPont jes shook her heard 'n said "You make a compelling argument, and I congratulate you. Unfortunately, I will have to disallow it, as there are only 18 plaintiffs and to enter class action you will need at least 40." "I knew you'd say that your honor! But ya see, tou only had time to skim the brief. When you read the brief in detail, you'll find not only the 18 spouses who were injured, there were 48 children who suffered damages as a result of Good Time Charlie's creepin' round the back doors of the women in this here county. You'll also find the suit names his company, Massachusetts Mechanicals as a co-defendant seeins how he pulled this stunt in his previous job with them in Pensacola, 'n they knew about it. Oh, ma'am, the brief includes all the paperwork necessary to serve Charlie Bennett. I believe after we conclude this here hearing, you may wish to have the district attorney question Mr. Bennett regarding fraud charges." "Now wait a minute," Guess Mr. Clair woke up. Seems he wasn't so concerned 'bout the divorce, but suddenly the need to throw up a shield 'roun' Charlie 'n The folks up 'ere in Boston got his attention. "This is well beyond the scope of a family law action. We will need time to prepare. And as further hearings on the primary divorce case will set precedents that will have impact on those cases, we respectfully request a continuance." "Mr. Clair, you have just alluded to representing both Mr. Bennett and Massachusetts Mechanical in addition to SueAnn here. You are correct that this case has implications on Joe's counter suits, and they should be prepared separately. However, today's actions will continue as planned, as I have no reason to recognize you as council of record for Mr. Bennett or Massachusetts Mechanical at this time, and I can't do so without them present. I smell fraud in these proceedings. So I am directing my clerk to have a bailiff detain Mr. Bennett pending investigation. Separately, It seems my concern over Joe's preparation earlier would have been better directed at you. I don't know what they taught you at Harvard Law about family practice, but down here two important things come first. This is emotional, so you have to be compassionate with your clients and your opponents. Lives are at stake, and that often includes the lives of innocent children. Secondly, you have to know as much as you can about the family you are dissolving. It seems you learned little or nothing about these people. Who is paying your bill for this?" She did it again. That there was a trick I needed to remember. Worked like a charm on SueAnn, slipping a quick question into a barrage of admonishment. Mr. Clair sat there like a schoolboy waiting fer Sister I'm In Control ta rap his knuckles with a ruler. On her question, he jes blurted out "Charlie Bennett." "I thought so." She dialed a number 'n said "Have a bailiff put Charlie Bennett in holding. Judge Judy didn't mess around. " We are gonna take care of these divorce terms right now. SueAnn! Sole custody of those kids? Seriously girl? Ain't no better daddy in the world! Joe, you withholding the money to take care of these girls?" "Why no ma'am. When it was cold, I made sure Marlon Locke went out with his oil truck 'n filled the tank. I stopped in at the Piggly Wiggly 'n made sure 't pay the delivery bills. I had 'em call me when SueAnn made an order." "Aw," SueAnn piped up. "That was awful sweet of you. I wondered why the truck came but the guy never wanted money. And Joe I just wanna tell you Daisy was right this mornin' 'bout both things. Too many biscuits are bad fer you AND you do smell good enough to take home, and I think I'd probly rather lock myself up WITH you rather'n be on t'other side'a the door." I couldn't help but smile't that. In spite of Charlie Bennett and all the legal rigmarole, here was my lady flirtin' 'n battin' her eyes't me in the middle of our dee-vorce hearin' "We'll thank you SueAnn. I can't have my girls hungry 'n cold. And until Judge DuPont slams her little wooden hammer and says 'I now pronounce you ex man and wife,' then I gots to take care'a you." Just a Good Ole Boy As SueAnn batted her eyes at me, Judge DuPont asked her "SueAnn, how 'bout you let Joe see his kids as often as they see you." "Yes ma'am, I'd like that!" "Now SueAnn, about your home. You know Joe inherited that right?" "Yes ma'am, 't were his momma and daddy's house." "You know he has four brothers too." "Yes ma'am." "You know they inherited it too. They each own as much of it as he does. He lives there cause his momma said in her will he had to keep up the house and let his brothers keep callin' it home too. Without Joe runnin' the family and overseein' the house, you could wind up cookin' and clean in' for all four of them and there families, once they have em'. You sure you don't want Joe around for that?" " Your honor, I obj..." "Mr. Clair in your courts in Massachusetts do you let the judge order things that are unusual for the sake of keeping a family together?" "Yes your honor." "Well that's all I'm doin here. I've known these kids since hy were toddlers, and watched them build something special. I'd like to keep that together. For some reason Mr. Bennett wants to destroy it. The way I see it, no matter who pays you, you are here to represent SueAnn. An answer of "yes" is likely going to wind up giving you all kinds of pleasant feelings when I fix this. An answer of "no" is going to convince me you are in on Mr. Bennett's scheme, and I will likely call the bailiff in and you can join Mr. Bennet in holding until I am done here. Then we can investigate what's really goin on." "Yes your honor." "Thank you Mr. Clair. SueAnn, I asked you if you want Joe around the house?" "Yes ma'am. I miss Joe, and so do our babies." "SueAnn, do you know where Joe has been living?" "Why yes ma'am. He got himself a big ole camper an' parked it down by the creek. Ben fired him, so he fishes all day. I 'spect e likes that a lot!" "SueAnn, does Joe have a favorite chair at your house?" "Oh yes ma'am, it's a big ole leather recliner in the livin' room. He loves to sit there 'n watch football while the girls sit in his lap 'n play." "I'll bet it's a sweet sight SueAnn. I'll bet he misses that chair, and all the other things that make your house home. He misses his daughters, he misses sleeping in his bed, he misses the pictures on your wall. Instead he is in a camper truck. He has to fold out his table to eat and fold the bed down from above the drivers' seat to sleep. He's got a thin little mattress, it's always too hot or too cold, he has to drive it someplace to empty the sewer tank and fill it with water. He has to plug it in to have electricity, and is alone all the time. He has a little bitty TV to watch football on, and no comfy recliner to watch it from. And you put him there SueAnn, when you told the police he hit you. Then on top of hat you want him to pay for you. You want 75% of his paycheck, 75% of his savings, and 75% of his retirement in the future. And all the time you are givin' yourself to Mr. Bennett like he belongs to you. And for what? What did he promise you?" "He done told me my babies would go to the best schools, wear the best clothes, live in a big house with a big yard and each have their own bedroom, a swimmin' pool out back and maybe even ponies. I could have me a little red convertible 'n we'd all live happily ever after." "What about Joe, SueAnn?" "Well, I figgered he'd move back onto the house after'n I married Charlie 'n left. Then I'd make sure our little girls got the best of everthin' and I'd come home 'n see Joe for special family times, like Christmas 'n birthdays 'n such. Charlie said he travels lots, so it could be almost like nothin' was different. I could visit Joe lots, but I had to make sure I brought something back to Charlie every trip." "What, like a souvenir?" "No, he said it would be papers. Ya see, Joe likes to tinker. He spends all day workin' in Ben's garage. He's a great mechanic. But he kinda gets these ideas in the middle of the night. He keeps a gadget what records his voice, so if'n he wakes up at night thinkin'a sumpin' he grabs the gadget and says his idea into it. Then later he tries makin' the gadget he dreams up into a real thing. He has some...what do you call em, it's like a legal thingy what says no one else can say they invented sumpin' what Joe invented first..." "SueAnn, are you talking about a patent?" "Yes ma'am! That's it! A patent! But Charlie didnt want the things with patents. He said they were no good to him. He needed me to find Joe's new ideas. Things he had made and was testing, but hadn't gotten one of them there patents fer, least not yet. Charlie was very specific as to what I should borrow and show him." "SueAnn," Judge DuPont sternly intoned, "what you have done is illegal. When you said Joe hit you and had your lawyer obtain a restraining order you broke the law. You can't lie to make police do what you want, they do their job based on the truth. That's also one of the Ten Commandments you learned in Sunday School, remember? 'Thou shalt not bear false witness?' Then you promised to take Joe's ideas to Mr. Bennett. Mr. Bennett most certainly meant to use Joe's good ideas to make money for himself and his company. That's stealing, and promising to help him is called conspiracy to commit a crime. That's against the law too, and I believe you also remember 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' as being another commandment. SueAnn have you already had sex with Mr. Bennett?" SueAnn couldn't say it, but we all knew what that meant. She kinda hung her head. "SueAnn, think about whatever it was you let Mr. Bennett do to you. Now what if Joe had done those things with another woman. What would you call it?" "Your honor, it's not like that. I did it fer us, t' make our lives better and give the kids the good things in life they couldn't have here." "That wasn't my question SueAnn. This is simple. What if Joe had done those things with another woman. What would you call it?" "He'd be cheatin' your honor." "And that's what I call what you did with Mr. Bennett, and that's one more commandment girl, 'Thou shalt Not Commit Adultery.' You're not doing very well with the law or with your Sunday School lessons here young lady. What would your Daddy say?" SueAnn looked sheepishly my way. I had my elbow up on the arm of my chair, so the sleeve'a my suit coat slipped down a bit. There it was, all gold 'n sparkly, the gold watch SueAnn's Daddy done give me. She remembered his prediction hat she couldn't stay true. Things were crumblin' fer her 'bout then. But the judge wasn't done. Joe what is the other file in your hands?" I looked at the judge as calmly as I could. SueAnn was hurtin' right now, so I asked Judge Dupont if'n we could take a recess. She shook her head quietly 'n told me she felt this needed to be finished right now. Mr. Clair looked sick t' his stomach or sumpin'. I don't think he expected any of this today, and he sure werent prepared to say nothin'. "Ma'am...er...sorry...your Honor, this here's a petition for the dissolution of marriage on the grounds of adultery." "Do you have proof of your wife's adultery?" "Yes ma'am. I keep a voice activated recorder in my workshop. Ya see, sometimes when my hands is full I get ideas for new gadgets. SueAnn was tellin' y'all 'bout his a little earlier. I keep recorders in my shop at home, on my bench in the garage, on my nightstand by the bed, and in my truck. They turn on automatically when someone gets to talkin.' Well, Charlie and SueAnn did their thing on the couch in my shop several times. I think Charlie was as much up to gettin a look 'round what I was workin' on as he was up to havin' his way with SueAnn. It sounds like he was distracted, 'n he kept asking questions about my gadgets and patents. The recorder in my home workshop has video too, and things are quite clear." SueAnn broke down in tears. "Joe, you will need to give Mr. Clair his copy of your divorce petition and a copy of the evidence." "NO! Screamed SueAnn. I don't want copies of me naked gettin' 'round like that! Please your honor, isn't their another way." "Yes SueAnn, you can confess to having an adulterous affair with Mr. Clair, and the evidence will become unnecessary." Clair spoke up. 'Bout time he earned some of the money Charlie Bennett done give him. "Don't say anything SueAnn. I obj..." "We done it." It just wasn't Mr. Everclear's day. Anytime he had something to say, the judge either slapped his hand or SueAnn ignored him. Now she just blurted out a confession that proved my case like it was a sneeze or somethin' and I felt kinda sorry for him. I know he thought I was stupid, but that's partly my fault. I let him think that. But he seemed to be a nice enough feller. Didn't mean him no harm. Shoot. Now I started feelin' a little bad for him. Judge DuPont told SueAnn 'n me that she thought counseling might be a good idea. Then she said she though SueAnn might benefit from a little shoe on th'other foot. SueAnn had to live in my camper fer just a week, and not come home where she could see me or my babies. I was told to tell my daughters Momma was workin fer the judge and would come home real soon. The judge also told SueAnn it would serve her right if'n I had some woman come into my house for some happy time, but I said no I couldn't do that. I was gonna be true until either one 'f us died or the judge dropped that little wooden hammer sayin it's official, y'all done bein' married. If'n we worked things out after that week it'd be great. If not there was gonna be three months of counseling, meaning we had to go tell our problems to a neutral counselor and try t' work it out. If we didnt git'er done in three months the divorce would be final. I'd git my momma's house, but SueAnn could visit anytime 'n even take em home ever other week. The judge also brought in the DA who started a criminal investigation into what he called "industrial espionage on a grand scale." Turns out they wanted several of my gadgets, 'n thought they could buy the ole country boy off real cheap. They also thought they could steal stuff I hadn't patented. Good Time Charlie definitely had the blues now, 'causin' he was in some deep doo doo. She also warned Mr. EverClear again that he should be careful to know his opponents, and somethin' 'bout some Chinaman named Sunny Sue, funny name for a man! Anyway she told him I had done like good ole Sunny Sue when I picked a battlefield where my opponent couldn't win, 'n then forced him to fight on my terms. Felt purty good to be called as smart as that tree famous China man, even if he did have a girly name. 'Cordin' to ole Mr. Clair, the law firm of Lions 'n Tigers 'n Bears, Oh My was chief counsel fer Massachussets Mechanicals. Seems like lots of folk was teamin up on me bout my gadgets. They wasn't nothin so special, jes common sense things folks can use. There was a pump and valve system that made my uncle's irrigation system more efficient on his corn fields. There was a brake design that spread heat out durin' use, so your brakes stopped faster 'n lasted longer. There was a new propeller design I made for them cropdusters what would boost speed and save fuel. There was maybe 25 more real simple things. Judge DuPont called a friend 'f hers from the engineering department up at Duke, 'n says he has connections 'n may be able to help me make some money on my gadgets. That'd be real nice, havin' some extra to give my girls them things Mr. Bennett promised SueAnn. But Ben had promised he'd hire me back soon as this here mess got cleared up, so I'll be back to normal money wise. Charlie went to jail. He's there for 3-6 years. The civil suit took all his money, including proceeds from the sale of houses here, in Pensacola, in Boston, and a big ole waterside spot in West Palm beach. The other husbands he done wrong got nice big checks from him and them Massachusetts Yankees too. I think it's fun to call em Massachusetts Yankees on account of they hate the New York Yankees cause a' their baseball team. I'm a Braves fan. D'you know one upon a time the Braves was a Boston team too? Aw there I go gettin off track agin. Sorry folks. Now where was I...yeah I got it! The judge called us in on the final day of the waiting period. It was time to fish or cut bait. After today, we would either be stayin' married or separate. It was dee-vorce dee-cision day. SueAnn was very repentant 'n sorry 'n all. And said how she was mortified at how hard it were to live in the camper jes one week, and how he missed her babies. She wanted to make it right. I told her to make it right, she'd have to live in that camper the full three months, while I went around seeking my alone time with someone else. No contact with the girls. No help or care from anyone else. In the meantime, I'd get to party it up and live like she never existed. Only then could she be able to understand how it all hurt, and she couldn't make it up to me unless she understood it. Right? "Joe," she said, "if it means we can go back to normal after six months, I'll do it, I can sacrifice for the man I love, and that's you baby. You want some other woman for a while to get even? Get even. I ain't gonna lie to you, i won't like it, but I'll be waiting at the end." "Oh just that easy, huh? You think this is just something we can swap? How bout this swap then, Jenny Mae Douglass. I'm gonna take up with Jenny Mae Douglass. She's been alone since Roy moved out, and is dyin' to sink her teeth into a new man. Maybe I'll move her in and we can shack up for six months while you fret and worry that I'll like her body better 'n yours, that she'll do things you won't, and that I'll fall in love with her. She's stacked you know, and that long black hair is so exotic. It's a risk havin your spouse go cattin around. You willin to risk me SueAnn?" Well SueAnn was kinda scared. I guess she figgered since she won my heart once, she could win it again whenever she liked. Having to watch another woman in her place never figgered in the E-quation. "Oh my word! Joe! Baby, what'd I do? I always thought this was temporary, n all fer the best? Now you're sayin' I could lose you ferever to someone likenJenny Mae? Baby I was doin' this ore our family. I was givin' the girls somethin' big!" "Really SueAnn? Let me tell you. Ain't nothin' in no big Yankee city better'n what we gots here. I can make the house bigger, but it just means there's more to care for. 'N clean. 'N I hate cleaning house. And the swimming pool? Well it's nice, but ya know I kinda prefer takin the boat out on the lake 'n jumpin on in. And what's so bad about the schools here fer the girls? School's what'cha make'f it. A hard working student can do right in any school. And a lazy ole worm is gonna fail even with the help the fanciest school. Look at that there Mr. Clair 'n his big ole Harvaard law degree. He didn't do his job 'n he lost to little ole me who prepared long and hard." "I know baby, I was so proud of you that day! I love you Joe. I love our home. I love our girls." "You could come home. Live there in one'a my brothers rooms. Your a good momma to our girls, and they need that. They need you. Maybe if we stay close like that the girls can feel like family. Maybe someday we can become a couple again, but not right now. There's just too much I question. Your Honor, if I vote to finalize the divorce, but stay close to SueAnn, can we marry again if'n we decide later that's a good idea?" "You sure can Joe, and I have to say you have a big heart to consider it. SueAnn, Joe is leaving the door open, but as of this minute, he is going through with his divorce petition. Sugar this is your last chance to say something to stop this." "I done him wrong ma'am. I get that. He should dee-vorce me ma'am. But I'm going to tell you and Joe both right now, I'm not just standing around here. Joe, baby, I'm going to write one of those agreements so when we re-marry I can never throw you put of your home or try to take your money again. Mr. Clair, you can d that fer me, right?" That Clair feller had been mighty quiet there, since me 'n the judge settled him down t'the way things go 'round here back during our hearing. But he looked up with a smile, and nodded yes to SueAnn. Yeah, he was all smiles. I guess he likes a happy endin' too. "Ok then. Joe, I will never let your children be denied and won't stand fer anyone to hold them from me neither. I'm gonna cook, and clean, and do the shoppin' and the laundry and weed the gardens, and if'n you decide you need some lovin I'll do that too. I'll stay out of your way if you date, 'n if'n you sleep with Jenny Mae why I'll even change the sheets the next day. Baby, once you told me I was your dream girl. But there's just one thing I ask." "What's that SueAnn?" "I wanna use your family name with our kids, Joe. If'n you wanna go by jes one name that's fine with me, but I want our babies to be able to sign their name with "Radon" on the end. A girl's s'posed to change her name when she's married, not just add one. And Joe?" "Yes Sugar?" "I wanna be SueAnn Radon. Matter of fact I wanna use all my names, SueAnn BettyJo Radon. I should'a had yer name all along, and even though we're gonna be dee-vorced soon, I want that name. I earned it. I want the same name as m'babies and the same name as the man I'm gonna convince to marry me again should've give me before." "And what if I don't agree." "I know fer a fact if I can legally change my name back to my maiden name i can hange it to any thin' I want, so I'll do it anyway. Ain't that right Judge? "It sure is." I thought about it a bit. Seems this whole court thing didn't go as expected for SueAnn, Good Time Charlie, Mr. Clair, or anybody else. I got me some money from Charlie and his bosses. It looked like Mr. Clair was re-evaluating his legal eagle-ness. It looked like SueAnn got some reality smacked through her thick skull, and I kinda looked like the Judge had a couple'a amusin' days. But the best was SueAnn, cause it looked like she was back to bein' the girl I had loved. "Your Honor, before you make things final, I have one more offer." "Go on Joe, I have time." ""That's Joe , in mean Mr. Radon Ma'am. It looks like I have a family to gather up, 'n maybe using' a proper name'll help me raise my babies right 'n remind my wife where she should be spendin' her quality time. So here's the deal, y'all. It is my final offer. SueAnn comes home after spendin a month away from us in the RV she thought was so comfy. Mr. Clair prepares them papers she talked about, where if she does dee-vorce me anyway later on, she cain't take me fer all I'm worth. SueAnn, I hope yer gonna be my dream again, but'cha can't get outta this here mess with nothin'. People been hurt by that Charlie man of yours, including me and our girls. You spend that month in that RV while I'm livin' like I ain't married to you. That way when we settle back down, ou'll know how bad it can be tryin' to live without your sweetheart. That way, we'll never need to use that paper Mr. Clair's gonna write up." "Joe," asked the judge, "there is just one thing I don't get. You have been so generous to SueAnn in all this. Why a month in the camper? "Well ma'am, it's like this. When I was back in High School I had a bet with my math teacher. I told her I could learn m'numbers without havin' to show my work, she said that was no good cause math was all 'bout the process. So I took her Geometry class without ever showin' my process. I got me a B-, even though I never got an answer wrong on a test on account'a I didn't show my work. I took an AP sample test right before I dropped out'n got a perfect score, of course I didn't show that there process. "So then I asked Ms. Egge, she was m'teacher. I asked her to go out to dinner with me since I had won the bet. She wouldn't go, account of I was too young and she was engaged by then, 'n her fiancé wouldn't understand. T'weren't ethical and t'weren't proper. But now, I hear Ms. Egge is dee-vorced, 'n I'm certainly old enough so I figger its time fer her 'to pay up. But you know it's summer and she's a teacher 'n all, so I gotta have time t'ask her 'n set ever thin' up. Right? I figgered a month would be just about right to get her done."