32 comments/  21345 views/  23 favorites

Exploring Feelings Ch. 01

By: laf199



This is my first story submission, after years of reading these I thought I'd give it a try. It's a fictional account, but the characters are loosely based on people I know. This story will detail a decades-long affair between a man and the wife of his best friend. Timeframe will skip around from present day to past points in the relationship in order to better understand the nature of the affair and the questions they are dealing with in the present day. 

This chapter was quite a bit longer than I had originally intended, and there's quite a bit of setting up before we get to the action, so to speak. This is my first time writing erotic scenes, so I'm still getting the hang of it. So any respectful criticism is welcome, as I do want to improve things. I have an idea of where everything is going, but we'll see as I write more so I have no idea how many chapters there will be at this point. Hope you enjoy!

*****

October 2015: Hotel in the Philadelphia suburbs

As he had many times over the years, 38-year old Christopher Barnes sat in a hotel room wondering why he couldn't stop what was about to happen. A married father of three, he was about to cheat again on his wife; what made it even worse was the fact that the women was Amy Harris, the wife of his best friend from college. 

What had started innocently enough his senior year in college had continued on a regular basis throughout the years, without arousing the suspicion of either his wife or Brian, his best friend. Chris' job as a pharmaceutical salesman often brought him to this area of the Philly suburbs, known as the Main Line, for multi-day sales calls. Brian and Amy lived here with their 3 kids; Amy was a stay at home mom (her choice in order to spend time with her kids). It was easy enough for Amy and Chris to meet during the day when her kids were in school and between meetings for him.

It was when Brian would invite Chris over for dinner during these trips where his conscience was tested though. It was always great catching up with Brian and talking about his life, but Chris also knew what inevitable, and extremely dangerous, things would happen after dinner. For as soon as they had the chance, Chris and Amy would furtively sneak into the basement. As Brian was helping his kids with their school work, as any good and loving father would, Chris and Amy were rutting like animals up against the wall of the laundry room.

As bad as Chris and Amy felt afterward, these were also the most exciting times. Something about the taboo of getting something you're not supposed to have, right under the nose of an unsuspecting spouse, was intoxicating for both of them. They both knew the risks; if they were ever caught they would be ruining two marriages, two families, not to mention a 20-year friendship. But the pull they felt since that first time 16 years ago was too strong to give in to rational thought.

April 1999: College in Pennsylvania

Amy Rodgers had made this trip dozens of times in the last 4 years, to spend the weekend with her high-school sweetheart, Brian Harris, at his college in Pennsylvania. Brian was the only man she ever loved (the only man she ever could love), he had been the only man she had ever been with or wanted. Even for that six month period during high school when Brian wasn't so sure of their love and wanted to try dating other people, Amy never could; she and Brian were meant to be and sure enough he saw the error of his ways and came back to her.

Amy would certainly be considered the attractive, girl next door type. About 5 feet 3, 120 pounds, blonde-hair down past her shoulder blades. Together they made an attractive looking pair, with his matching blonde hair and rugged good looks; they looked like the perfect couple set to build their life together after graduation.

But there was something tugging at Amy, that she didn't dare speak aloud (and barely acknowledged to herself). In the back of her mind, she was beginning to have some of the feelings that Brian had when he wanted to take a break in their relationship. Feelings that maybe she should have dated more and had more sexual experiences before settling down. She loved Brian, of that she was sure, but she didn't want to be the person who wakes up in 20 years and realizes she got married too soon. By then she knew her and Brian would be married with kids hopefully; she didn't want to ruin that family. The thought of just picking up some random guys for a sexual encounter held no appeal to Amy, but she couldn't deny the doubts she was having of being with only one guy for the rest of her life. 

In the end, Amy figured these thoughts would pass and then she could fully commit to her life with Brian. It was generally assumed by almost everyone that Brian would propose shortly after graduation. And Amy wanted this with all her heart; she was going up to visit Brian in order to spend time with him and reconnect. He never failed to make her feel like the most wanted woman on earth.

Brian lived with his best friend Chris in a two-story off campus townhouse. It provided some privacy from the frat house and the rest of campus; in truth neither Brian nor Chris were big-time partiers and had joined the frat largely because their other friends had. They had met in their freshman dorm and found they had a lot in common. Both pre-med (although Chris had long ago decided the doctor route wasn't for him) and big football fans (their only real disagreement was that Brian loved the Eagles while Chris was a Giants diehard), they quickly developed a strong friendship. 

Both were quite reserved and shy, which also helped draw the attention of the woman on campus. It certainly helped that Chris was good-looking, about 6 feet with short brown hair and brown eyes. The fact that Chris was modest and not particularly confident around woman, only helped endear him to them more. Brian lived vicariously through Chris and his relationships during school—he was fully committed to his girlfriend Amy now—and provided a good sounding board for Chris. 

In their sophomore year, Chris met Emma, a beautiful and sophisticated Econ major. They dated all through the year and the first part of junior year, but when Emma went to study abroad in France, things began to change. Eventually Chris found out that she was seeing another student behind his back there; luckily he had Brian and his other friends to help him work through the heartbreak.

Chris had decided to have fun his senior year. Much like Brian, he was always the committed boyfriend type, so he wanted to take his shot at being a player, or as much of a player that a nice guy at heart could be. He spent most of the year in casual hookups with girls around campus, and although he was never one to brag, he received no complaints. Chris certainly wasn't hung like the guys in those porn movies, but he knew what to do with the 6 ½ inches that god had granted him.

It was through this that Chris did find somewhat of a dark side; actually it was more the realization of a dark fantasy. He found the sex was much more enjoyable if the girl had a boyfriend. Even though he had been cheated on and hurt, or perhaps because of it, Chris found he liked the danger and excitement of giving a girl what she wasn't getting from her boyfriend. He didn't really want to date these women or break-up their relationships, but he found it irresistible, and this scared him. But he told himself this was only a phase and after graduation he would revert to the loving boyfriend type he always saw himself as.

Currently, he was involved with a "taken" girl who lived next door named Audrey. The red-headed co-ed had been having some problems with her boyfriend, and at first Chris merely provided a shoulder to cry on. It quickly developed into a sexual relationship, and Audrey was often spending nights at the apartment. Brian didn't judge his friend; he knew Chris had been through hell over Emma and was just blowing off steam. Plus it was really none of his concern.

The problem for him was Amy...when she found out about this the last time she visited she was pretty disgusted at Chris for what she saw as taking advantage of Audrey. In truth, Chris and Amy had never had the greatest relationship, she felt that Chris was trying to encourage Brian to date other people before committing to her (he wasn't, although he did have several conversations with Brian about making sure this was what he really wanted). Probably because of this tension, Chris found Amy aloof and stand-offish. In particular, he found her this way recently, he figured because of his relationship with Audrey (he knew she didn't approve). For the most part when she came to visit, he tried to stay out of the couple's way. Plus, as always he was uncomfortable around Amy partly because he found her very attractive. He would never do anything about it, but given his recent experiences he felt it better to stay away.

For Amy, while most of her was disappointed in Chris' behavior, part of the aloofness was due to these new feelings she herself was having. She had begun to look at other men in a sexual way, at first she shrugged it off (everybody looks right?), but she found herself doing it more often and it had begun to scare her. Worst of all, she had started doing this with Chris, she spent most weekends at the apartment, and he was the other guy she was around the most. And she was afraid to admit she liked what she saw. While similar to Brian in personality and temperament, he was the complete opposite in terms of looks. And given his new "ladies man" reputation, she figured he must be good in bed. 

She had no complaints about Brian, but the problem was she had no one to compare it too. The dark thoughts of just randomly hooking up with another guy had begun here, but Amy had beaten them back so far. Seeing Chris with Audrey again would bring these feelings back; Amy wondered if maybe she should try and talk to Audrey, woman to woman, and figure out why she was cheating on her boyfriend. Maybe it would help her understand her own feelings, and help prevent anything from happening. But she would have to do it discreetly.

As it turned out, it looked like that opportunity would not occur. Upon arriving, Amy found out that Audrey had broken it off with Chris and gone back to her boyfriend. Though upset, Chris was secretly relieved, he didn't see a future with Audrey, but he knew he didn't have the strength to end it himself. The situation just turned him on too much. With a month to go before graduation, he resolved to end this period of his love life and begin to look for a girl to settle down with again. Once Amy arrived, he left to hang out with friends and to give Brian and Amy space.

Later that night when Brian was at the library, Audrey showed up to collect some of her things. Amy led her to Chris' room. For Amy, this was the opportunity she had been looking for. She had to know, so she built up the courage and just asked.

"Why did you cheat on your boyfriend?"

Audrey gave her a sideways glance, so Amy clarified:

"I'm not judging you, and this will stay between us, but I'm curious what drove you to cheat?"

"It's hard to say" said Audrey, "I love my boyfriend but we were going through a hard time. He had cheated on me with another girl..."A stupid fling" he said, and it really hurt me. Chris was next door, I knew he was a nice guy and had a similar situation he went through, so we just started talking. One thing led to another, and we found ourselves in bed. I figured it was a good way to "even the score", even if he never found out."

"So it was about revenge and anger?" asked Amy.

"At first, yes, but then it became about the sex. I didn't realize it because he's generally so quiet and shy, but Chris really knows what he's doing, if you know what I mean...I can't believe I'm telling you this!" said Audrey as she and Amy both blushed. 

"That, plus the fact that he doesn't fully realize how cute he is, made him irresistible. To be honest, I think he got off on the situation as well. He probably won't admit it, and I think he is ashamed of it, but it turned him on being with another guy's girl." said Audrey.

"In the end though, I realized I loved my boyfriend and wanted to make it work with him. Deep down Chris is still hung up on his ex; while the sex was great there was no future with him. But I still think about it and have half a mind to come over here and jump his bones."

Noticing Amy's line of questions, Audrey decided to be bold and ask one of her own.

"Are you thinking of cheating on Brian...is this why I'm getting the third degree here? Don't worry, it will be a girl's secret."

Amy recoiled, horrified, "No, absolutely not, I was just curious that's all"

Audrey sensed she'd gone too far, "OK, please don't take offense, like I said I won't say anything. I better go anyway."

"Yes, I think you should," said Amy curtly.

Once Audrey left, Amy sat down with her head in her hands. As much as she wanted to say Audrey was wrong, she had read her perfectly. What Audrey didn't seem to pick up on was now Amy had one guy in particularly she was thinking of. Even as she sat here disgusted with herself, her darker mind was already beginning to rationalize it: "Sure he's Brian's best friend, but he's cute and clearly has done this before (and is apparently good at it). Maybe I can just explain it to him rationally, that I need to do this to save my relationship, and he'll help me sort out my feelings. Neither of us wants to hurt Brian, so we can just do it without worrying about any feelings getting in the way. I mean that's crazy, but I can't think straight right now."

She needed Brian to come home. Maybe they could make love and she could take the edge off, get these thoughts out of her head. But he was studying for exams, and seemed especially distracted this weekend. At this moment, the door opened and the worst possible person to come through it did, Chris figured they had turned in early and it was safe to come home. He immediately saw Amy was alone and looked upset. 

"Is something wrong Amy?" said Chris as he sat down next to Amy, uncomfortably so for her.

"No everything's great," lied Amy as she stared into Chris' deep brown eyes. "God I could get lost in those eyes," thought Amy before mentally slapping herself.

Chris noticed something was off...why was she staring at him?...and at the same began to feel the uncomfortable stirrings in his groin that he was becoming familiar with in these situations. A clearly upset girl, a clearly upset AND beautiful girl. A clearly upset AND taken girl. 

At this point, Amy unconsciously put her hand on Chris' thigh: "I just wanted to say you've been a great friend to Brian and I wanted to thank you for being there for him," said Amy. She had no idea why she said that, but it was what she felt. She had been too hard on him through the years. But why did he have to look so good right now?

"If only you knew what I was thinking of right now, you wouldn't think I was a good friend," thought Chris, as he began to lose the fight in himself and began picturing dark thoughts...hot thoughts...like grabbing Amy, turning her around and taking her doggy style right on the couch. The fact that Brian could come back at any second just made it hotter for him. He realized he had to get out of there now.

"Thanks. Umm, I'm pretty tired think I'll turn in," croaked Chris as he practically ran up the stairs to his room. Amy would have felt rejection if she didn't get a glance at the tent in his pants as he ran up to his room. From the looks of it, he was a little bigger than Brian. "I wonder how it would feel inside of me," thought Amy. "Is he thicker too...he's been with more girls than Brian does that make a difference...how would he feel coming inside of me?"

At that thought, Amy again became very upset. "I have a wonderful boyfriend, who treats me right, and all I can think about is banging his best friend," Amy scolded herself; "I'm a terrible person. I need Brian to come back. Once I see him, these feelings will go away like they always do."

But upon returning, Brian was much too tired and distracted to pay attention to Amy. He was really struggling with several of his classes and was trying to bear down and get through graduation. For once, he didn't have time for Amy. When she tried to initiate things when he returned, he turned her down and went to bed. Amy took a cold shower instead, and went to bed trying to tamp down these illicit thoughts about Chris. 

But it was a futile task...as she lay awake next to her unconscious boyfriend, the dark thoughts continued and a crazy idea took hold. "I just need to talk to Chris," thought Amy, "if I get these feelings out in the air we can deal with them." Wearing her boyfriend's t-shirt and boxer shorts, Amy got up and tiptoed across the hall to knock on Chris's door.

Chris was fully awake as well. Maybe he was crazy, but he had gotten better at picking up on signals, and Amy was giving him all of them and more tonight. He had often fantasized about her...he had a thing for blondes and Amy was also well-proportioned, with perky breasts (probably about a B cup thought Chris). He never thought anything would happen, but all of a sudden it seemed a genuine possibility. But she was his best friend's girl, it would be so wrong. And for the darker parts of his mind, it would make it so hot.

He was disturbed from his thoughts by a quiet knock and his door slowly opening. In walked a pensive Amy, walking to his bed and sitting on the edge. Chris' heart began to pound through his chest.

"Chris, are you awake," whispered Amy

Feigning being asleep, Chris slowly began to respond.

"Amy, is everything OK," said Chris

"Yes...well no...I can't believe I'm doing this, I should leave," Amy began to get up but froze when she felt a hand reach up to grab her arm.

"I know why you're here," croaked Chris 

"This is so wrong," whispered Amy, but she made no move to leave

"We have to be quiet," said Chris, "Brian can never find out about this,"

"It's just this once," mewled Amy, "I love him but I need to get this out of my system. I can't commit to him without knowing what it would feel like with another man. I know you're his friend, but can I trust you not to say anything?"

"Yes," moaned Chris. At this point he would say anything though. The dark thoughts had won. Seeing Amy (dressed in her boyfriend's clothes), Chris knew he had to have her. Consequences be damned.

Slowly, Chris pulled Amy onto the bed and slowly began to take off the t-shirt and boxers. Just as he thought, her breasts were perky and with a hint of freckles (which drove him wild), and just enough of a light-blonde landing strip to confirm her as a true blonde. Amy was self-conscious as Chris devoured her with his eyes, but also incredibly excited. What would happen next...she assumed he would mount her immediately.

Chris had other ideas, and instead slid down her body and began rubbing the inside of her thighs, leaving little kisses as he trailed upwards towards her secret passage. 

"Oh my god, he's going down on me," thought Amy. Brian had never really done that for her; in truth she never really wanted him to. But her mind was inflamed with excitement at Chris doing it to her.

Slowly, agonizingly, Chris began to circle his tongue around her labia. Amy wanted to grab his head and force him onto her clit, but most of her mind was occupied trying to keep from screaming and waking her boyfriend. She had never felt like this. Suddenly, Chris looked up into her eyes, smirked, and dropped down to attack her clit.

"OHHHH...Chris," said Amy, a little too loudly. Chris reached up and covered her mouth with his hand while continuing his work with his tongue down below. Before long, Amy felt the stirrings of a massive orgasm. When Chris pulled his hand from her mouth, and stuck two fingers in her vagina, Amy lost it.


Exploring Feelings Ch. 01



With all the power in her mind, she kept from screaming as the pleasure washed over her. She had never felt this good, and she hadn't even had his penis inside her. As her orgasm began to subside, she noticed Chris pulling off his boxer shorts. As she thought, his cock was just slightly larger and thicker than her boyfriends', and she couldn't wait to feel it inside her. Slowly, Chris lowered himself toward Amy, looking her in the eyes with her juices still on her face. He tenderly kissed her and began to position himself at her entrance. Suddenly a thought occurred.

"Let me get a condom," said Chris

"No," said Amy, almost without thinking, "It's OK, I'm on the pill, I want to feel you bare,"

"Are you sure," Chris moaned, but at this point he was praying she didn't change her mind. "I'm clean," he added, almost as an afterthought.

"Yessss...I'm sure," moaned Amy, "But I want to be on top,"

"OK," Chris said as repositioned them, "Are you ready"

"Yes, but I want to do it," said Amy as she tenderly stroked his manhood. It felt so hot and hard. As she stroked him, Chris suppressed the overwhelming urge to come in her hand. Whether it was the situation or the girl on top of him, he had never been so turned on in his life,"

"Oh god, this is so bad but I can't help it, I need to feel it inside me," with that, Amy slowly sank herself down on Chris' pole. The feeling was euphoric for both, Amy was incredibly tight. She hadn't been on top much, her sex with Brian was almost always missionary, but almost unconsciously she slowly began moving up and down on Chris' shaft.

"Ohhhhh...your pussy feels incredible," gushed Chris, "Brian is a lucky guy,"

"Please don't say his name," said Amy, but at the same time she began to move quicker. Chris also began to buck up at her and quickly they established a glorious rhythm.

For several minutes, the two new lovers began to buck and hump against each other. With all his might, Chris held on from emptying himself in the writhing blonde woman above him. He wanted, no he needed, to make her cum. That wasn't going to be a problem.

"Arggh, yes baby," moaned Amy, as she felt herself being pushed up the crest of a wave. It had never felt like this with Brian, which flashed a momentary sense of guilt in her. But she pushed it down, the only thing she needed now was to cum.

Chris was far too gone to care about Brian. All he could focus on was his imminent release. The guilt would come later; right now all he could think about was the beginning rumble in his testicles. 

At that point, Amy crashed over the wave. "OHHHHHHHH," she moaned as quietly as possible. "Yes, I'm cumming, it feels so good,"

Hearing her pushed Chris over the edge, he gave one, two, then three thrusts upward, and then began to feel the release of his overloaded balls into Amy's welcoming vagina.

"Yes, yes, here it comes. I'm gonna SQUIRT," hissed Chris

"Yes, baby, come in me, I want it all," squealed Amy

"UGGH...UGGH...UGGH," grunted Chris as he unloaded three of the largest jets of semen he had ever produced into the pussy of his best friend's girlfriend. The feeling of his sperm shooting off in her set off another orgasm in Amy, and she collapsed onto Chris' chest, her blonde hair cascading over him. 

As both began to come down from their highs, they looked each other in the eye. There was plenty of guilt and sadness between them, but also another powerful feeling. Now that they had both experienced each other, they each knew that this was not destined to be a one-time thing. They needed each other again...neither wanted to hurt Brian but the pull was too strong. 

Slowly they began to tenderly kiss, their tongues deep in each other's mouth. Eventually, they both realized how dangerous it was, to be locked together like this with Brian just down the hall. Reluctantly, Amy pulled herself off of Chris' deflating member, and slowly made her way up off the bed. 

"We'll talk tomorrow," said Amy as she dressed and quietly left his room. Chris fell asleep wondering what that talk would bring. Amy slowly opened the door to her boyfriend's room and was relieved to see him still soundly asleep. 

Again, the sight of her boyfriend brought up all the guilt inside her, but if anything she knew she still wanted to marry him. She just needed to explore these feelings with Chris and get him out of her system. At that moment, Amy didn't realize how hard that was going to be.

In the morning, Brian was oblivious the knowing glances between his girlfriend and his best friend. Finally he went out for a run, and Amy and Chris sat down to talk.

"You have to understand I still love Brian," said Amy, "I don't know why this happened, but last night was the greatest sex of my life, and I can't give that up just yet. Can you, can we, do this in a way where Brian doesn't find out and get hurt?"

"I don't know," said Chris honestly, "But I also know I don't care right now. I need to be inside you again, and right now I don't care about the consequences. Right now we're about to graduate. Maybe we can figure out a way to be together on occasion. Brian and I will be living together once I start work and he starts med school...med students are really busy you know?"

"God help me, but I need this right now," said Amy, "We'll figure out a way. But I still believe I will marry Brian one day...you have to promise me we will end this once I say so,"

"OK, I'm not looking to take you from Brian, I love him too you know," said Chris, "but right now all I can think of is grabbing you and taking you against this wall. He'll be gone for another 30 minutes, that's enough time."

Before Amy could protest, she found herself being lifted off the ground as promised. There was nothing romantic about, it was wild, passionate, everything her life with Brian wasn't. Quickly Chris had pulled each of their shorts and underwear off, and was positioned at her entrance. 

"Are you sure?" said Chris as his conscience flared up, "If you want we can stop it right now." In truth, there was no conceivable way Chris could stop, but he felt he had to ask.

"I can't stop," moaned Amy, "I need to feel you in my pussy again."

With a snort, Chris pushed himself into Amy's deliciously tight vagina, and began thrusting away madly between her legs. Before long they both reached their plateau, and both groaned in ecstasy as Chris deposited another load into Amy. He tenderly put her down and kissed her for a long moment. 

Within a minute of them redressing, Brian walked back in from his run. All he saw were his girlfriend and best friend sitting on the couch each reading a magazine, seemingly oblivious to each other. In his mind, he wished they got along better. In reality, he had no idea how well they'd come to know each other.

PRESENT DAY:

Despite several attempts at breaks, Amy and Chris never could quite get themselves out of their systems. Which led them again to this familiar hotel and to a mid-afternoon dalliance they had played out hundreds of times. Amy had married Brian, and Chris ultimately met the woman who would become his wife, but neither could give up what they had found. 

They didn't love each other, but they loved the way their bodies moved together (if that makes any sense...it didn't really to them at times). This wasn't entirely true, there is no way you could be intimate with someone for as long as they had and not develop feelings for them. 

However, they each loved their spouses and the families they had created over the years, and the last thing they wanted was to continue acting in a way that put all this at risk. But these moments were worth the risk of their spouses finding out...were worth the risks they took over the years. It was worth even risking creating a permanent reminder of their relationship...but more on that later.



Exploring Feelings Ch. 02



PRESENT DAY:

As Chris Barnes waited in his hotel room, he thought about how hard this particular moment was, waiting for his lover and knowing what was bound to happen as soon as she knocked on his door. Here was where he felt the most guilt about what he was doing to his wife Elizabeth, his 9-old daughter Jennifer, and his 7 year old-twins, Mark and Melanie. 

He had met Elizabeth shortly after graduation through work; she worked as an office manager for one of the large Physicians' groups in Northern New Jersey who were his clients. Eventually they married and began to build their life together in the Morris County suburbs. But from the moment he met Liz (everyone else called her Elizabeth) until now, he had been hiding a deep, dark secret from her, an "addiction" (it was the best word he could think of) that he could never break, and that had just began to knock on the door.

As soon as he opened it and saw her, all these feelings were pushed to the back of his mind. Even in her late 30's and after three kids, Amy Harris remained a breathtaking sight. Motherhood had only added to her womanly curves, and she had worked hard to stay in as good shape as possible. Sure, her body wasn't what it was in her early 20's, but the changes only made her more attractive to Chris. 

That, plus the fact that she was happily married to his best friend. Despite his best efforts, their best efforts, neither of them could give up the drug that became these trysts. If anything, having it again only made them want it more. They remained vigilant in keeping their secret; each of them had air tight alibis about where they were if anyone asked. But in reality, no one did because no one could have suspected what had been happening all this time.

"My god, I missed you, it's been too long," gushed Amy as she walked into the door and opened her coat to reveal a new set of red lingerie purchased at Victoria's Secret.

"I know, but we still have to be careful. We can only do this when it makes sense for us to be in the same area," replied Chris as he pulled Amy into his arms and began kissing her neck.

"Oh, you know just how to touch me...keep going," exclaimed Amy as Chris slowly began caressing her nipples through the lingerie, "All I could think about this morning was you and knowing I would see you. I almost pushed Brian and the kids through the door."

"We can go slowly after this, right now I need to feel you," grunted Chris, as he frantically ripped off his dress shirt and pants. He then pulled Amy's panties to the side and slipped his rock hard penis inside her.

"Mmmm, you feel so good inside me, as always" said Amy as Chris planted her against the door and began pounding her. She loved how hard, how animalistic even, that Chris took her. Brian could never treat his wife like this, and frankly she wouldn't want him to, but Chris gave her exactly what she needed at the moment.

Chris could barely respond beyond grunts. He was quickly hurdling to his own release. As always, Amy was right with him and it was her orgasm that pushed him over the edge.

"HERE IT COMES...YES...YES!" exclaimed Chris as he released the contents of his pent-up balls into Amy.

"I can feel it, so hot!" shouted Amy in triumph. No matter how many times she felt it, she could never resist the feeling of Chris shooting his cum into her pussy.

As the lovers panted in each other's faces, they both gave each other a knowing look. The bad feelings were coming back, for both of them. But they did their best to push it aside and enjoy the time they had left. Amy had to pick up her kids, 10-year old Kelly, 8 year-old Tyler and 6 year-old Johnny, in about an hour. They both lay down on the bed and began talking.

"How's Elizabeth and the kids?" asked Amy. Somehow in these moments, it made it easier to talk about their lives as if nothing was amiss.

"She's OK, busy at work plus the twins have been sick with the flu. You know how that is. How are Brian and the kids?"

"Great, he was wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner tomorrow before you leave? He doesn't have any procedures scheduled (Brian was becoming one of the more well-known young heart surgeons in the Delaware Valley) and wanted to catch up," said Amy with a knowing smile.

"That would be great," said Chris, knowing what both he and Amy would really be looking forward to. But his smile quickly faded, as he pondered an unpleasant question.

"How's Johnny? Everything good with him starting first grade"

"He's fine, but you know you really shouldn't be asking about him," said Amy in a sad voice.

"I know, but you understand why I can't help it," answered Chris.

Amy thought about her three kids, blonde headed Kelly and Tyler, and little Johnny, with his light brown hair. Though both Amy and Brian were blonde, each had a parent and siblings with brown hair, so on the surface nothing seemed amiss. Though neither Amy nor Chris could bring themselves to find out officially, they suspected otherwise. But Amy didn't want to talk about that now, or ever really.

"I better go, I have to get ready to pick up the kids at school," said Amy, who brought her "Mom" clothes in a duffle bag.

"We didn't even get a chance to use the bed," joked Chris. Slowly his guilt was receding and his desires were reemerging.

"Maybe next time. But you and I will have to make some time for one of our 'talks' about the state of the health-care system after dinner," teased Amy. She had been a nurse so it wasn't unusual. As a doctor, Brian didn't really care much to talk shop at home and was happy to let his wife and friend talk while he looked after the kids.

"Sounds good...see you tomorrow night, then," said Chris as he leaned in to kiss Amy goodbye.

"Can't wait," smiled Amy back after their kiss. With that, she left the room and tried her best to return to her normal life. Chris still had a few hours before his last meeting of the day, and his mind drifted to the first time they made an attempt to end this dangerous relationship.

WINTER 2000

Life was busy for Chris Barnes and Brian Harris. Chris was about 18 months into his job as a pharmaceutical salesman. He didn't love the job, but he was good at it and it paid well. Despite being shy by nature, he found he was a natural salesman. Brian was in medical school at Rutgers, and was so busy the two hardly saw each other. In fact, Brian had little time for anyone else, including his girlfriend Amy, who had just begun a nursing job at a hospital in Philadelphia.

Amy would often make the trip up for the weekend to Chris and Brian's place in central NJ, but often he was too busy or too tired to spend any time with her. This hurt Amy, but she had her own distraction. Chris and Amy had continued their fling on and off since graduation. For the most part, it was an occasional thing, but over the past months as Brian got more involved in med school, it became more frequent. 

Often times, Amy would come up for the weekend and spend more time with Chris, as Brian often was in the apartment only to sleep, shower and eat. During these times, and feeling pulled apart from Brian, Amy's affair with Chris deepened. He was giving her what her boyfriend couldn't, and at times it felt like she was dating Chris more than Brian.

They remained careful, making sure their trysts occurred only when Brian was sure to be away in labs or studying for several hours at a time. But once he was gone, they couldn't keep their hands off each other, as they christened every part of the apartment (save the bed she shared with Brian, this was one taboo neither of them wanted to cross).

So it was on this Saturday a few weeks before Christmas, with Brian wrapped up in the lab practicing on cadavers, that Amy and Chris found themselves in a familiar position, with Chris pounding into Amy from behind and loving every second of it.

"Yeah, Yeah, take it, take all of it," growled Chris, as he pushed his 6 ½ inches in balls deep.

"Oh yeah, that feels so good, don't stop, harder, HARDER!" screamed Amy.

Chris picked it up a gear upon hearing her words, and continued to piston his unsheathed cock deep inside her. In her head, Amy realized how dangerous it was to not use condoms with Chris; she was on the pill so she wasn't worried about pregnancy, but she had no idea who else Chris was seeing, how could she explain an STD to Brian? But both of them enjoyed the feeling of skin to skin contact and had quickly become addicted to it.

In addition, Amy realized the thought of Chris seeing someone else bothered her. She had no right to stop him, after all she wasn't about to break up with Brian, but deep down she wanted to be the only one Chris was with. This also troubled her deeply, but she pushed those feelings aside as she began climbing to her release.

In actuality, she didn't have anything to worry about, Chris had not been seeing anyone regularly since graduation, and the few times he did hook up with someone else he always used a condom. He only wanted to cum inside Amy's pussy. Chris was becoming way too engrossed in these trysts, so much so that he was becoming resentful of his friend Brian. After all, he had Amy as his girlfriend yet he wasn't meeting her needs. So, fuck him, Chris thought in the moment, I'll do it myself. He felt like an awful person after, but right now it only spurred him on to deliver a load in Amy's hot snatch.

"Here it comes, here it comes, you ready baby!" shouted Chris.

"Oh fuck yes, don't you dare stop I want to feel it!" exclaimed Amy as her orgasm took hold.

With a bellow of triumph, Chris unleashed a torrent of semen into Amy's welcoming pussy, then collapsed on top of her and lovingly kissed the back of her neck. He then rolled off and spooned her from behind.

Both sighed contentedly in unison, and then both began to process their own dark thoughts as they were fucking. For the first time, Amy began to wonder if Brian was the man for her. He was so busy with medical school that there seemed no time left for her. Maybe they should take some time off and figure things out. But could she be with Chris? No, it would kill Brian and definitely end any chance of reconciliation down the road. 

Her feelings for Chris were complicated. She LOVED the sex, she needed it, it was the perfect stress release, but even now it's not like they talked much about their lives or dreams. They were also so different in many ways; she enjoyed going out, having fun with her girlfriends and being social, while he wanted to spend most nights at home reading or watching sports on TV. Their relationship was perfect right now exactly because it wasn't a relationship.

Chris was also dealing with his thoughts. He loved Brian as much as he did his own brother, but was that really true? Would someone be doing this to their own brother, taking advantage of his absence to fuck his girlfriend every chance he got? No, he realized sadly, only a terrible person did this. Chris had always seen himself as a good guy who did the right thing. He knew he couldn't say that anymore.

But he couldn't help himself, it was like a chemical reaction anytime he was around Amy, he had to have her. Even in the rare times when Brian was around he had to stop himself from leering openly at her. But was this love? No, he doubted it, and for all he knew Amy didn't want to have that kind of relationship anyway. And he didn't think he could handle the hurt it would cause Brian. Plus he would lose all his friends, who would (rightly in his mind) shun him in favor of the aggrieved party.

Neither brought these things up to the other as they each showered and got ready for Brian to be back for dinner. In a way, they were both afraid of what those thoughts meant. If they were truly developing feelings for one another, they both realized it was best to end this now before anyone got hurt. But neither was ready to end it. Better to continue as is and enjoy their bodies, if nothing else. But after the holidays, both were determined to come to a decision once and for all about the future.

In the end, circumstances dictated what happened, namely Brian. Realizing that he had neglected his relationship, and convinced more than ever that Amy was the one, he got down on one knee and proposed on Christmas Eve. As Amy looked into his eyes and heard his promises to be there for her and create balance in his life, all her love for him came flooding back. 

Without a second thought, she said yes, to the cheers of both their families. As she hugged her now fiancé, her thoughts suddenly turned to the second man in her life. As sad as it was, as hard as it was, she knew what she had to do.

In the week between Christmas and New Year's, before Brian and Chris returned to their apartment (and before Brian revealed the big news to his friend), Amy drove up from her parent's house in Philly to Chris' family home in northern Jersey. She needed to tell him this to his face. She was thankful he answered the door instead of his brother or parents...she had a cover story but feared they would read right through it.

At first, Chris was happy to see her, and since his family was out he began to think other thoughts, but he quickly realized this was not a fun visit Amy was making...it was written all over her face and the pretty engagement ring that she now sported on her left hand.

"Brian and I reconnected over the holidays. He proposed and I said yes. He promised he would be there for me, and I want to be there for him. I hope you understand that what's happening between us needs to end. You promised me you would be OK when I chose to end it, right?"

For a fleeting second Chris thought about fighting, about telling Amy he loved her and wanted to be with her, but he quickly stopped himself. He wasn't even sure that's what he wanted. He was only 23, he loved the sex with Amy, but that wasn't like the love Brian had for her, that they had built over years. He couldn't ask her to give that up for a maybe.

"I understand...I knew this day was coming," sighed Chris. "You know I wish you and Brian all the best. I'll act surprised when he tells me. But I'll always remember our time together."

"So will I, but now it's time to be grown-ups. Whatever we do, we can't let Brian know what happened between us," said Amy.

"I know, I don't want to lose him either. I'm a terrible friend to him, but I need him too. I couldn't live with him hating me. It's time for me to move on...hopefully I can find my happily ever after," said Chris with a (forced) smile.

"I want that for you too," said Amy, although deep down she didn't really mean it. But like she said, it was time to grow up.

Chris did his best acting job after the holidays, putting on the most enthusiastic smile he could when Brian told him of his great news. Over the next few months, Amy made sure she wasn't alone with Chris when she visited, and true to his word Brian made time for her as much as possible. After a few months, she got so wrapped up in the wedding planning (scheduled for next summer after Brian's medical school graduation), that it became less and less hard to be around Chris.

After their announcement, Chris threw himself into his work, which required a lot of travel through the Northeast. Partly to advance his career, but mostly to keep away from Amy, who by spring had changed jobs to be closer to Brian and was practically living in the apartment now. By the summer, Chris realized the best thing was to move out and give the couple their space. While it was hard, after a time he began to move beyond his feelings for Amy and begin to date again.

On one of his sales calls, he met Elizabeth. She was beautiful, and perhaps importantly, different from Amy, with long brown hair and brown eyes. There was also a geeky side to her, which turned him on as they had many of the same interests. As he grew closer to Elizabeth, any feelings for Amy began to dissipate.

By the end of the year, they were even able to hang out as couples without any awkwardness (of course Brian and Elizabeth were unaware of anything). For her part, Amy grew to like Elizabeth and thought she was a perfect match for Chris. It was a little hard seeing him so happy at first, but she quickly realized he deserved his happiness, and she hoped Elizabeth could be the one for him. Their time together would just become a distant memory.

At least, until the days before her wedding to Brian.

TO BE CONTINUED...



Exploring Feelings Ch. 03



PRESENT DAY:

As he pulled his rental car off Interstate 476 and headed toward Brian and Amy's house, Chris was filled with his usual mix of dread and excitement. Dread at knocking on the door to see the smiling face of his friend Brian, who he had been betraying for nearly 20 years. Dread at having to sit through dinner without revealing how much he wanted to grab Amy and take her right there on the dining room table. But there was also excitement thinking of that moment after dinner, as Amy figured out a way to excuse herself at the end. That was always his cue to make his own excuse and meet her in the basement, as he had so many times in this house before.

There was also the matter of the Harris children. He always loved seeing them, and they enjoyed when "Uncle Chris" came to visit bearing gifts, but it was always a little difficult seeing little Johnny, knowing what he knew...or at least what he thought he knew. He didn't have it in him to ask Amy for a DNA test, and she steadfastly claimed that he was almost certainly Brian's biological child and definitely his child in every other matter. 

Chris didn't disagree with the second part, but every time he thought of the first part his mind began to wander to a summer night on the Jersey shore, a little over 7 years ago, when two hurt and confused people had possibly made a grave mistake. But just as he began to think about it he realized he had pulled up in front of their home.

He knocked on the door, as always carrying gifts for the kids from his wife and a bottle of wine for the parents. As always, Brian answered the door with his usual heartfelt hug (that made Chris' stomach turn more than a little bit), and was quickly followed by an eager greeting from the kids (to be fair, they were more interested in the presents, but Chris didn't begrudge their enthusiasm).

Amy was hiding in the kitchen at first as always, under the guise of finishing dinner but likely as much to gather her emotions. Here she was in her home with her loving husband and kids, and the only thing on her mind was how to fuck her husband's best friend tonight.

The relationship between Amy and Chris certainly had its ebbs and flows...often times there were long breaks without seeing each other. They had designed it this way, to prevent either of them from falling in too deep. But several times over the years they still fell into periods where all they could think about was being together. This was one of those times. They often became like teenagers, unable to keep their hands off each other. At these points, they had the hardest time keeping their dark secret. But in many ways it was also the most exciting and exhilarating time for them.

Amy finally emerged from the kitchen, dressed in a simple floral dress and knee high boots. It may have been simple, but it was driving Chris wild inside. Easy access, he thought inwardly. And so began his struggle to stay focused through dinner. Brian was doing well, but Chris could see he was tired, long hours in surgery will do that to the best of people. The kids were in their own little world as always, especially little Johnny, who was oblivious to the extra-long glances by Uncle Chris.

Amy noticed them, and sighed to herself. She loved Johnny with all her heart, but she also knew deep down his parentage represented a potential bomb that could destroy two families. For a while, it caused her to pull away from Chris, but recently they fell back into the same unbreakable patterns. In many ways, their lust returned stronger than ever after these breaks. 

As dinner ended and the kids got ready for their school work and baths, Brian offered to take care of them for a while...really this was the only quality time he had with his kids and he needed to make the most of it. Amy mentioned she had to finish laundry downstairs, which was Chris' cue to go outside to make some follow up "business calls." In reality, he was heading right to the ground level entry to the Harris' basement, where Amy was waiting for him.

"We don't have much time, hurry up and put it in," breathed an incredibly hot Amy. "What's wrong, aren't you ready?"

"You have to be patient, I'm getting older it takes me a second, especially since I nearly bit my lip not getting aroused at dinner," joked Chris.

"Here let me help," said Amy as she kneeled down and fished Chris' cock out of his pants. Slowly she began licking and sucking him, taking time to hit the spots she had grown to know he liked. Within moments, Chris was hard.

As tempting as it was to continue the blowjob, Chris knew they didn't have much time and both needed something else. So he carefully pulled Amy up and lifted her on to the counter where she folded clothes. Amy had already taken off her panties, and she was incredibly wet, so Chris had no trouble sinking balls deep in one stroke.

Both groaned softly as they savored the penetration of his cock into her folds. In times like these, they had come to learn that all their senses were heightened when they had to remain as quiet as possible. Not being able to vocalize their pleasure only seemed to increase it. 

Mostly, they kept quiet by keeping their mouths on each other, passionately kissing as Chris increased his tempo. Amy turned the washing machine on to drown out the noise they were making against the wall as they copulated. Sure, it increased the risk of not hearing someone come downstairs, but she knew her family well enough that it was unlikely.

"OH...OH...OH", grunted Chris.

"MMM-MMM-MMM," replied Amy.

Soon Chris picked up to the pace they both needed as they began the inexorable climb to their release. Amy's hands moved to Chris' butt to encourage him...as great and exciting as this was, they needed to cum before suspicions could be aroused. With the delicious feelings around her pussy, it wasn't going to be long for her.

Or for Chris. He grunted through several long strokes, then closed in eyes in ecstasy and thrust as far as humanly possible to eject his cargo into Amy's welcoming womb. As he came he buried his head in her soft cleavage...Amy gently kissing the top of his head as she came. Both remained as silent as possible, but could easily hear their hearts beating out of their chest as they reclaimed a measure of sanity.

After a few minutes of deep kissing, they realized they had to get back upstairs. It had been almost 30 minutes, so Brian would come looking for them shortly otherwise. Before she headed back upstairs, Amy looked at Chris and asked,

"Are we ever going to be able to end this?"

"How many times have we tried, Amy," replied Chris. "It only seems to work for a time. If we're not hurting anyone what's the harm?" He knew he was being selfish, but he was deep into Amy yet again and couldn't imagine giving her up right now.

"It's getting more risky, look at what we're doing...Brian or the kids could have come down at any second. I get there's a thrill in that for you, but so many bad things can happen. I can't keep risking my family because I can't resist your dick," said Amy sadly.

"Let's talk about this tomorrow," said Chris, somewhat dismissively. He knew it was right after the act when the guilt was greatest. "If you still want to stop then OK, but I think you know what will happen. Do I have to go through the history with you?"

"I know," said Amy. "But maybe we need to try again." With that, Amy brought her laundry up the stairs.

Chris sighed and walked out to the backyard, phone in hand to complete his deception. He knew Amy was right, but he also knew their history of failure in this regard. It was time for him to leave and think. He said his goodbyes to Brian, who was practically ready to fall asleep on the couch, and to Amy and the kids as they got ready for bed. The hug with Amy lingered longer than it should, but no one noticed. 

As he entered his rental car for the drive back to his hotel, he thought back on the 16 years of history between him and Amy, and to the one time he thought they had both moved past their chemical attraction, only to be proven terribly wrong.

AUGUST 2002

Chris Barnes exited the tuxedo rental place on a typically hot and humid August day in southeastern Pennsylvania. He was with Brian and his other groomsmen as they picked up their tuxedos for Brian's wedding in two days. Next, they were to meet up with Amy and her bridal party for a get together before her Hen night in Philadelphia and Brian's bachelor party in Atlantic City.

Upon entering the chain restaurant in a strip mall that was the appointed launching off place, Chris immediately located Amy. She looked as gorgeous as ever, but Chris had learned to not have any reaction to this (or at least push it down as much as possible). Amy saw and ran toward them, hugging her fiancé.

"Are you guys ready for your big Stag night in AC?" joked Amy. She wasn't really nervous, she knew Brian would never do anything he'd regret, and she was actually happy Chris would be there with him; he would never allow anything too wild to happen.

"As ready as I'll ever be, but believe me I'd rather stay with you," said Brian in a sweet voice that made Amy's heart melt.

"Don't worry I'll take good care of him. At most, only three strippers will slap their boobs in his face, four tops," joked Chris, earning him a playful jab from Amy.

"Well have fun guys, and don't do anything I wouldn't do," said Amy. As soon as she said the last part, she turned to Chris and both shared a meaningful glance. Memories were still memories, after all.

As the guys left to head on the party bus to AC, Amy began thinking of those memories. Actually she had been thinking of them a lot lately. Not because she wanted to rekindle things with Chris, that could only end badly, but she admitted to being a little unsure of the state of her relationship with Brian. 

She loved him and wanted to marry him more than anything, but she was acutely aware that right after the honeymoon Brian would be beginning his residency at UPenn Presbyterian, the top hospital for cardiology in Philadelphia. She knew the life of a resident and future heart surgeon involved long hours away from their families. Amy knew Brian could get wrapped up in his job again like he did in medical school, and she wasn't sure how she'd cope with that.

She knew how she dealt with it last time, and that was not an option, even if only in furtive moments she thought often of Chris, and how he helped her forget. Besides, it seemed like he was doing well in his relationship with Elizabeth, who she really liked and seemed good for him. When they first ended their affair 18 months ago, there was always a definite tension between them, but almost all of that had disappeared now. That was a good thing right?

Sometimes Amy was not so sure. She couldn't deny at times she missed the excitement of her affair with Chris, and though he was the only other man besides Brian she had been with, it still felt like he could excite her like no one else. But those days were over...best not to think about them.

As the bus pulled up to the lobby at Caesars, Chris got out with the rest of the (mostly drunk) party of guys, all eager to hit one of the seedy strip clubs a few blocks off the Boardwalk. For the most part, Chris just would have rather stayed in the casino and gambled a little then gone to bed, but he forced himself to be there for his friend.

Brian actually was just as uncomfortable in these kinds of places as Chris. Neither of them could ever really get over the fact that you were paying women to grind on you. Something about it seemed demeaning to the women, as well as not being particularly arousing for them. Mostly both of them just stayed at the bar and talked.

"You sure you don't want one lap dance, last chance before you're a taken man," Chris prodded gently.

"Nah, I'm good, you know how I feel about these places," said Brian. "Anyway I already have the girl I want, no one else compares."

Ah yes, that girl, thought Chris to himself. He had consumed several beers, so as a result his mind began to wander...to that girl, and her blonde hair, and tight pussy, and perky breasts with those freckles around her chest...god he could spend a week kissing up and down those freckles...

..."How's Elizabeth doing?," came a voice almost out of the ether, quickly identified as Brian. "You OK, you looked like you were a million miles away,"

"I'm good, guess I can't hold the liquor like I used to," joked Chris to cover his thoughts. "Liz is great...I really think she might be the one. Maybe it's all the wedding talk, but I'm seriously thinking I might pop the question soon."

Chris was not blowing smoke here. Elizabeth, or Liz as he had come to call her, had really won his heart. And though she didn't realize it, she helped him get over his feelings for one unattainable girl, who for some reason had just invaded his thoughts...why did that happen?

"That's great man, I can't wait to tell Amy she'll be so happy for you. You don't mind if I tell her?" Brian said.

"No but I don't have anything planned yet so make sure she keeps her big mouth shut for now," laughed Chris. That laugh hid a deep sense of unease in him. How would Amy feel about him getting married? At this point she probably wouldn't even care, they had both moved on right? In his semi-drunken state, Chris realized a large part of him kind of hoped she wouldn't take it well.

"How 'bout you and I call it a night and leave these fools to their debauchery," smiled Chris. He and Brian walked back to the casino and hung out for a while, before turning in. Not much of a bachelor party, but these two were never party animals. Besides, they needed to get back for the rehearsal dinner the next evening. 

At the dinner the next night, Brian excitedly pulled Amy aside to tell him their friend's news..."You'll never believe it, but Chris is going to ask Elizabeth to marry him...he doesn't have it planned out yet so you can't tell anyone, but how great is that?" 

"Wonderful!" said Amy, plastering on her best smile, but in reality the news left a gnawing pit in her stomach. So he had finally moved on, she thought sadly. Part of her wished he was pining for her endlessly...don't we all want that attention sometimes? But part of her realized in many ways she could never move on fully herself.

At that point, she spotted Chris across the room, dressed in his best suit, looking handsome. His girlfriend wouldn't arrive until the morning for the wedding, so he was flying solo tonight. Brian was talking with his family, so Amy took the opportunity to speak to Chris. But not before quickly imbibing a glass of liquid courage.

"So, you're popping the question, huh?" said Amy with a slight edge in her voice. "What does this girl have to land the great Chris Barnes?"

"Liz is a great girl, I'm lucky to have her." Chris said with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"Oh she's Liz now, what other pet names do you have for her?" hissed Amy.

"Hold on a second," retorted Chris as he pulled Amy into a quiet part of the restaurant. "Where is this coming from, you're the one getting married tomorrow, why do you care what I do or who I'm seeing?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what just came over me," replied Amy truthfully as she calmed down. "I'm just a little nervous because Brian is starting this big job after our honeymoon and I'm afraid it will be like before, when he was in med school."

Chris knew all too well what that was like...but most of his memories were of being balls deep in Amy's pussy..."why are these thoughts popping into my head all of a sudden," scolded Chris to himself. He needed to extricate himself from this conversation.

"Don't worry Amy, Brian's a different guy now...if you'll excuse me I need to use the bathroom," he said hastily, leaving Amy alone and confused.

"Why is he being so cold?" thought Amy..."I thought he cared about me...I mean about Brian," At that point Brian returned and they sat down to begin the meal. Throughout, she couldn't help looking over at the table where Chris was..."god he looks so handsome in his suit"..."he seems upset"..."maybe he doesn't really want to marry Elizabeth...or Liz." All of these thoughts were running through her head, and before she knew it the meal was over.

As Brian and she were saying their goodbyes before their last night as single people, she noticed Chris was nowhere to be found.

"Did Chris leave?" asked Amy, trying her best to hide her extreme interest in the answer to this question from Brian.

"Yeah, he said he had a headache and wanted to turn in early. Between you and me, I think he had a little too much to drink last night," said Brian.

"Oh, OK," Amy said casually, but as she drove back to her parents' house, where she was staying the night, she suspected there was a lot more on Chris' mind than a headache. She wondered, was he going to use the wedding, her wedding, as the chance to propose to Elizabeth? 

All of a sudden, Amy felt an unwavering urge to talk to him. She had to make sure he was proposing for the right reasons, after all she was his friend now too right? She made an excuse to her parents about being too excited to sleep and needing to take a drive, and set out to the hotel where Chris was staying with the other groomsmen (Brian was staying with his parents, like she was).

On the drive there, she realized what if someone else saw her? Not only were the groomsmen staying there, but also her bridal party and many of the guests. How could she explain being there, at this late hour? At that moment, she didn't care...she had to talk to Chris and make sure he wasn't making a huge mistake. She slipped onto his floor undetected (Brian had been thoughtful enough to get him a room on a different floor from the other rowdy groomsmen) and knocked on his door.

Chris opened the door to the last person he expected to see on the night before her wedding. She was still wearing the same figure hugging silver dress she had on at the dinner, which showed just enough cleavage (and freckles) to drive certain men wild.

"Amy, what are you doing here...everything OK with Brian," he managed to spit out.

"Yeah, he's fine, I needed to talk to you. I'm worried you're rushing into things with Elizabeth," she said quickly.

In truth, he wished he hadn't said anything to Brian, proposing was something he had just begun to put thought to, and he had no immediate plan to do it. But the look of terror on Amy's face told him more than her words, and his cock stirred uncomfortably in his pants. Suddenly, he was gripped with another emotion, anger. Amy was the one getting married tomorrow, and she's freaking out that I might propose to someone?

"Frankly, it's none of your business Amy. And why do you care anyway, shouldn't you be worried about tomorrow?"

"But I care about you, I don't want to see you make a mistake. And I didn't know if I'd get the chance to tell you that before you asked her," pleaded Amy.

So, she did think he was proposing, and it had freaked her out. Good, he thought. But in that moment, his desires began to win out over his anger again. Things he hadn't felt in almost two years came back like they never left. Suddenly, something he said to this same woman a long time ago entered his mind.

"I know why you're really here," Chris growled as he pulled Amy into his room before anyone could see. As soon as the door closed, he was passionately kissing her up against it and feeling every part of her body with his hands. Amy put up token resistance before giving herself fully to the moment.

"Oh, don't stop Chris, I've missed this, I missed your touch, I missed you," Amy moaned as she literally dove her tongue into his mouth. If either of them were thinking rationally, they would realize how absurd it was to be making out the night before she was marrying his best friend. But rational thought had left them, and in its place were memories of how two bodies fit together perfectly. In an instant, both of them decided they needed this.




Exploring Feelings Ch. 03



"Just this one more time," squealed Amy. "Then we can move on with our lives."

"Yeah sure," said Chris, unconvincingly, as he frantically worked to free Amy from her pretty dress. Amy was working equally hard on his pesky belt buckle...the task made harder by the fact that neither could pull away from each other's mouths.

Finally garments were removed and Chris laid Amy on the bed in her bra and panties. If this was the last time (and Chris was increasingly becoming convinced it wouldn't be), he wanted to savor it, savor her beautiful body. In turn, Amy almost felt drunk at the hungry way Chris was looking at her. No man had ever looked at that way, and her heart sped up on seeing it again.

"Oh, please Chris, I need to feel you again, don't tease me," begged Amy.

Chris said nothing, instead ripping her panties off and going down on her like a parched man in the desert. He knew exactly where to touch her, to lick her, and within moments Amy was steam rolling to a powerful orgasm. Oh how she missed this!

"Oh baby, I'm gonna cum so hard, don't stop, don't stop...YESSSSSS!"

Chris continued licking her lovingly for a time, and then moved up to focus his attentions on her breasts, taking off her bra. As always, the sight of her freckles drove him wild. He paid lavish attention on both nipples, teasing them to full erection...if he did it any longer Amy was convinced she'd cum again, but right now she wanted to return the favor.

"I want your cock in my mouth," she cried. Chris didn't need to be asked twice and pulled himself up the bed into Amy's waiting and eager mouth. She sucked lovingly behind the head, then took long licks up and down his shaft, driving him wild. He was about ready to cum when he stopped her. There was only one place he really wanted to finish, the only place he ever wanted to with Amy.

Though she first looked at him questioningly, she quickly knew what he wanted before he even said it.

"I need to blow my load in your sweet pussy, Amy," he grunted. "Get ready, it's gonna be a big one."

"Oh yes, I need it too," said Amy delightedly. In the back of her mind she couldn't believe she was here again, with this man, especially given tomorrow's events. But at this moment, there was no place she wanted to be more.

Chris could wait no longer, and positioned himself at Amy's wet entrance. He slowly parted her delicate folds, almost to savor it, then pushed in to begin a dance both of them were intimately familiar with. He pushed his entire length then began with long slow strokes and deep tender kisses. But both of them needed a faster tempo, and in no time Chris was rapidly approaching a second gear as they both moaned in delight.

"Yes, faster that's what I need...it feels so good, so deep," exclaimed Amy.

"Your pussy feels better than ever, so tight," replied Chris.

Amy locked her legs around Chris's ass, as he strove to drive her deep into the mattress. The room became filled with the sounds of squeaking bedsprings and the moaning voices of two people reaching the heights of pleasure. Soon, Chris felt that familiar tingling and tightening in his groin, and began to savor the precious moments before the much needed and inevitable release of pressure.

"Oh Amy, I'm gonna cum I can feel it," groaned Chris.

"Me too, I'm there baby, fill my pussy with your cum!" cried Amy as she fell off her own cliff into a wave of pleasure.

"Oh yeah, oh yeah, OH AMYYYYY!" exulted Chris as he pumped one last time into her and roared as he unleashed what felt like about 18 months of pent-up cum into Amy's exquisite snatch.

"YESSS," squealed Amy as she felt Chris' molten cum bathe her insides. Oh how she had missed that feeling!

As Chris finished his last jet of semen, he rolled over next to Amy to catch his breath, and his thoughts. Three hours ago he had been at her rehearsal dinner, and she was marrying his best friend tomorrow. But right now, he had just unloaded the contents of his balls into her, and nothing ever felt more right.

Amy was also full of conflicting emotions. Deep down, she knew when she came here that this was a possibility, but nothing prepared her for the feelings it brought up. Euphoria, satisfaction, and now guilt. She was less than 24 hours from being Mrs. Brian Harris, and here she was in a hotel room filled with his best man's cum.

"I can't believe this happened again," said Amy quietly. "I thought we had stopped this."

"It just happens, we can't explain it," said Chris. "We buried all those feelings, and they just resurfaced in an instant. But what does it mean?"

"It can't mean anything. It was great sex, but I'm marrying Brian tomorrow," said Amy, as if trying to convince herself. "I just got freaked out about Brian's job, and did the one thing that helped me through it last time."

Chris was not so sure that was it, but he also knew he couldn't be the one to end Brian's wedding. That humiliation would be too much for anyone to endure. 

"You're still marrying him tomorrow," Chris forced himself to say. "Whatever this is between us, we need to figure out, but it can't be at his expense. Neither of us wants that."

"No, I still love him, I know it's hard to believe when I'm here with you, but I do. Maybe I should go now before my parents wonder where I am," said Amy as she got up to put her dress on.

"Take a shower first," offered Chris. "And for what it's worth, Brian read a little too much into what I said about Liz. She's great, and I could see myself marrying her someday soon, but I wasn't planning on proposing tomorrow." 

"Oh," Amy said with (some) relief. "Well, when it's right you'll know. Forget what I said about Eliz...Liz, I'm sure she can make you very happy."

"Yeah, I think so too," said Chris. As Amy went into the bathroom, Chris began to think about Liz. She was great, and he was falling in love with her. She was beautiful, smart, funny, a great listener and sounding board. Their sex was different than it was with Amy, more loving and tender than fast and passionate, but he'd come to love that as well. 

But could he ever give her his full heart when another woman had a piece of...something within him? He didn't know exactly what it was that Amy had, but he knew he couldn't give it up either, at least not yet.

As the shower began to run, he realized he needed her again, right now. As soon as he opened the curtain, Amy smiled at him, as if his joining her was inevitable. Soon she was pushed against the wall as Chris sought to undo all her efforts to wash up in the past few minutes. Soon enough both were groaning in delight as Chris dumped his second load of the night deep into Amy.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Amy said after dressing. "As strange as this sounds, this helped me. But we should talk again when I get back. We can't keep doing this and risk getting caught."

"I know," said Chris, but he knew now this was not ending when Amy got back. She was about to marry Brian, and he may marry Liz one day, but there was something powerful between them, and tonight both of them realized it was probably impossible to stop. So Chris quickly discussed a plan.

"Maybe we can figure out a way to make this work so it doesn't affect our relationships. Maybe we take breaks if things get too intense. But I don't see how we can give this up completely. I don't want to, and I don't think you do either."

"I don't think I can either," Amy admitted. "But we have to figure something out. Goodnight, Chris." With that Amy kissed him one last time and left his room.

Now that Amy was gone, and his desires met, Chris began to think about the situation. Why did this turn him on so god damn much, cheating with a taken woman, on the night before her wedding no less? Just thinking about that alone was getting him hard again. Why did he enjoy cuckolding the man who he felt was his best friend?

He knew about the cuckolding fantasy, or at least what he thought it was, but it didn't seem exactly like what he was feeling. He wasn't excited by the idea of Brian knowing about it and approving; rather the idea that he didn't know but might found out was what drove him. What was that exactly? If Brian had been in the room he couldn't have done anything, but if he was in the next room, oblivious, while he fucked Amy, that idea drove him wild.

He thought back to his college girlfriend Emma, as he did often at these times. At one point he thought he would marry her; he realized was crazy now, they were just college sophomores when they dated, before she left for her study year abroad. But she was really the first girl he ever loved, or at least thought he loved. 

He still remembered that moment when he checked his email in the library computer room at school one February day. Emma had seemed distant when she visited around the holidays, but he thought nothing of it. Then, checking his email, his world collapsed. Emma wrote him to say it was over, that she had met someone else, a dashing French guy in one of her classes, and she needed to see where it led with him. It was all he could do not to break down right there; he made it back to his frat house and confided in Brian about what happened.

He remembered Brian being a great friend to him then, telling him to forget about Emma, that she wasn't good enough for him anyway, too snobby and stuck-up for a great guy like him. Even Amy tried to console him when she visited. But he couldn't get the image of Emma and Frenchie (Brian came up with the name to cheer Chris up one day) out of his head. It drove him mad with anger and jealousy to picture this French weasel with his girl, at least for a time.

Then at some point, those visions changed. Instead of angering him, it started to turn him on. Not that Emma was cheating on him with Frenchie, but that Frenchie had taken another's girlfriend. That seemed like the ultimate power move to Chris, something he could never do, or so he thought. Eventually, as he walked around campus, he looked at couples walking hand in hand, and begin to wonder if the girl was cheating on the guy. And start to picture himself being that guy she cheated with, sneaking around with her and slowly taking her from her boyfriend. He should be sympathizing with the guy being cheated on; instead he was rationalizing why the girl should cheat, with him no less. Somehow, the situation had reversed in his head. He couldn't explain why, but it had.

Before he had left for the wedding, Chris had received his college's alumni magazine. In the back was the class notes section, where members of each graduating class sent updates on their lives. He noticed Emma had sent an update, he knew she was working a high-powered investment banking job in London after she had graduated. He was stunned by a picture she sent, announcing her engagement, to none other than Frenchie. 

He didn't begrudge Emma her happiness; he had long since moved past her, and Brian was right she was way too snobby for him. But he felt like he should be at least angry at Frenchie, after all he had taken the girl he thought he would marry from right under his nose and made her his. So why did he feel like congratulating Frenchie in the moment, for actually pulling it off? All these thoughts disturbed Chris, and he went to sleep a very restless man. 

In the morning, Liz arrived for the wedding. They went down to the hotel restaurant to get some breakfast before leaving for the church. Chris was distracted, thinking about last night, but he couldn't help but laugh looking at his girlfriend, who was making funny faces at the little kid sitting across from them. She was so beautiful, but she had a goofy, fun-loving side to her that made her irresistible. She brought Chris out of his shell, as she always did.

"You keep doing that we're going to get kicked out of here," he joked.

"Oh, don't worry he loves it, Mr. No Fun...maybe I should just make those faces at you," she replied, and they both laughed. 

"Hey I was thinking tomorrow before we head back we could go to the Philly Museum of Art, I always wanted to run up the steps like Rocky!" Liz said, excitedly lifting her arms up and down, drawing the attention of all the nearby patrons.

Chris nearly fell out of his chair laughing. Composing himself, he teased "Sure, but don't get arrested. I can't bail you out. I have an image to maintain." Liz replied by sticking her tongue out at him.

He wasn't like this around everyone else, most saw him as serious and shy, a reluctant talker. Liz made him want to be different, to go out and do things, have fun. At home, she always loved to watch Seinfeld and Simpsons reruns with him, they were both of their favorite shows, as well as his favorite movies, especially Caddyshack, and she was the only person who enjoyed that he liked to quote every funny line as it was said; it just annoyed everyone else.

They also had long serious talks about their lives and the future. They worked in the same industry so knew the up and downs of health care and pharmaceuticals. Whenever one had a bad day at work, the other could immediately understand and relate. When they weren't together, he often found himself talking to her on the phone for hours at night, about nothing and everything. He didn't do that with anyone else, even his parents and family.

He knew what he said to Amy last night, but times like these made him feel that proposal was sooner than even he realized. He could do no better than Liz, he was sure of that. She fed his body, mind and soul. 

Amy, he said to himself, still she was never far from his thoughts. He did his best to hide it from Liz, but he began to think about what would happen after she returned from her honeymoon. How could he, could they, continue to do this? But everything about Amy and the situation turned him on. It was like he shut off his brain around her. He didn't want to hurt Liz, but he selfishly still wanted the thrill of sex with Amy. But he would have to think of these things later, right now he needed to get ready for the wedding.

"I gotta go, hun, I'll see you at the church," Chris said kissing his girlfriend.

"K babe, I'll be sure to take a lot of pictures of the world's hottest groomsmen...and by that I mean your friend Rob," she said with a wink.

Chris nearly choked, until he quickly realized she was joking. If only he could say the same thing about Amy, that it was only a joke. Unfortunately, it was far too real.

At the church, Chris watched Amy say her vows to Brian with no second thoughts. At least it didn't seem like it to Chris, but he was doing his best to not look at her. He honestly wasn't even jealous they were getting married; distressingly the idea of sleeping with a married woman just turned him on more. He turned and looked at his girlfriend, who was looking at him funny. Oh my god, she knows what I'm thinking, panicked Chris. Instead, she broke out into a big grin and began taking pictures of Rob. 

It completely took him out of what he was thinking, and he barely suppressed a laugh at how ridiculous she was. In that moment, he knew he wanted to marry Liz. He just hoped his other desires didn't ruin things. The last thing he ever wanted to do was wipe that goofy smile off her face.

Amy was also having other thoughts, mostly about what a bad person she was. But she was selfish and still wanted this. She truly loved Brian and wanted to spend her life with him. Even though he got busy, he was always devoted to her when he was around, always looking to make her happy. She knew he would be the perfect father and provider for her and her children. 

Chris didn't make her feel that way, though she could no longer deny he made her feel something. Most of the times they were together they said very little after sex, at least anything of meaning. Brian was quiet and shy, but she could draw him out and get him to have fun with her, to laugh and talk about things. 

She never could with Chris, and to be honest she didn't really want to. He was her drug, her stress release; their bodies fit perfectly together, but not so much their minds. She knew it was unfair, and hypocritical, but she now knew she couldn't give Chris up yet. She would have to figure out a way to make it work without destroying her life.

Then, she pushed her bad feelings aside and smiled as she became Mrs. Brian Harris. 

PRESENT DAY

Chris pulled into the hotel parking lot thinking about those days before the wedding. That was truly the last time either Amy or Chris really thought they could end things between them, at least until that unforgettable night in his hotel room. After that, they would take breaks from each other, as they agreed when things got too intense, or events made things too intense, but before long their desires were back and somehow they ended up together. 

Based on tonight, Amy seemed to be suggesting it was time for another break. But would this be the time they finally made it permanent? As much as he thought he should end it, for the sake of his family, he didn't know how he could, or if he even wanted to. 

He knew he had a long sleepless night ahead of him. Whatever he thought now, he knew one look at Amy could change his mind completely.

TO BE CONTINUED...



Exploring Feelings Ch. 04



PRESENT DAY:

Chris Barnes was incredibly distracted through his morning sales calls. It hadn't nothing to do with his work, this mood could only be caused by one thing, or one person rather, his longtime lover Amy Harris. Last night, Amy had again told him she was thinking of stopping their affair. This was not the first time either of them had this conversation over the last 16 years, at some point one or the other had tried to stop things, only to fall back into each other's arms over a period of time.

Deep down, Chris suspected no different here. Even if they stopped for a while, he believed they would find their way back to each other at some point down the road; they always did. But why did this time feel different? Life was just getting more and more complicated for both of them, with three kids of their own to raise, and a spouse that they truly loved (no matter how many times each betrayed them). 

And, given the way it had been going recently, they were just asking to get caught. Anytime they saw each other they had to be together, to touch each other...even in the presence of their families. Surely they couldn't keep that up? Chris remembered times when it got like this, where they almost became obsessed with each other. At all of those points, they decided to take a break from each other. Is that what Amy wanted now? 

As Chris drove back to his hotel to wait for Amy, he thought back to one of those times, when it felt like their obsession with each other could spiral out of control. In this case, it was the one time he put a stop to things, at least for a time. It had happened shortly after his wedding and the birth of Amy and Brian's first child.

MARCH 2005:

Amy Harris collapsed into bed, finally having put her 8-month baby girl Kelly down for the night (or at least she hoped). Kelly was the best thing that ever happened to her; she loved her from the moment she laid eyes on her. They had been trying for a while without success, and had begun to worry there was a problem with one or both of them. As it turned out, it just took time, and they had been overjoyed when it finally happened.

However, despite all the love in the world you have for your baby, no one quite prepares you for how much work it is. The long, sleepless nights, the constant worry that some tragedy will befall the helpless infant in every situation, it was an extremely stressful time. Unfortunately, Amy was forced to handle most of this on her own. Brian had just begun his surgical rotation, and though he tried to be home for his wife and newborn daughter as much as possible, he could only do so much and was needed at the hospital for longer and longer hours. 

Amy had decided to take some time off from her work, beyond her maternity leave, so they needed Brian's salary, which had become significant, to support what they hoped would be their growing family. But it did lead to sacrifices, one of which was an inordinate amount of the child care was falling onto Amy's shoulders.

As she drifted to sleep, her thoughts turned to another familiar face, Chris Barnes. In truth, he was never that far from her mind, even if it had been a while since they had last seen each other. Their affair had continued after her return from her honeymoon, and while his relationship with Liz continued to progress. Chris would be in the area once or twice a month on business, and it wasn't hard to get together in his hotel room with Brian busy at work. But soon all of that came to an end.

Amy wanted to begin her family, and she knew seeing Chris would be too dangerous. They never could bring themselves to use any protection; as long as Amy was on the pill it wasn't an issue. But now that she wouldn't be, they couldn't risk it. For his part, Chris had become focused on his own life with Liz. He had proposed and they had just got married last October. Amy was happy for him, but she couldn't deny a part of her missed their affair. 

All her life, Amy had been the good one; the good daughter, the good sister, the good friend, the good girlfriend. Now, by all accounts she was the good wife and mother. And she put a lot of pressure on herself to live up to that; it can be very hard being perceived as perfect by everyone in your life, because no one is, no matter how hard we try we can never be perfect. Sometimes all that pressure requires a stress release, otherwise you go mad.

So a part of her enjoyed being able to let go and be bad for a little while, to have a secret that no one else knew about. Her secret was her relationship with Chris; she was certain no one had any idea that she was involved with him. They had their fun in the moment, and then they went back to their regular lives. Maybe her husband hadn't been wrong in high school; that was probably the better time to do bad things, before you had any life commitments. Now she had so much to lose just to have these brief moments of letting go.

Therefore, maybe it ending was the best thing for both of them; they had helped each other through difficult times, and now they were entering different points in their lives and beginning families. Of course, they had said this before, only to end up in bed together the night before her wedding. Her body still tingled thinking about that night.

But this time felt different, there were higher stakes that neither wanted to truly risk, so it did feel like the end. Despite herself, Amy couldn't help feeling more than a tinge of sadness at that prospect.

For Chris, life was moving fast as well. It had been about 6 months since his marriage to Liz, and everything was great. They both had successful careers, and they were enjoying those heady early days of married life, before the world (and its responsibilities) fell on their shoulders. Once again, his time with Amy was turning into distant memory. Sure, he was upset when she told him it had to end again, but he came to realize it was for the best. 

At first, it was hard being in the area several times a month and not being able to call Amy and set up a rendezvous, but like last time having Liz in his life helped him cope. She always knew the right thing to say or do when things were bothering him (even if she didn't know why he was really upset), so it only seemed natural that they would tie the knot. Amy and Brian were there of course, it was one of their first real outings since the baby. There was a touch of melancholy in his interactions with Amy, but she seemed so happy to be a mom. Chris was happy for them; hopefully he and Liz would be parents in a few years.

Chris was preparing for another trip to see his clients around Philly. Liz was helping him pack.

"Have you spoken with Brian and Amy lately?" asked Liz.

"No, I think they're pretty busy, what with the baby and Brian's work," said Chris.

"You should call them when you get down there and meet up. There are probably starving for some human interaction, especially Amy. You used to do that all the time when you traveled there. Why did you stop?" asked Liz.

"I don't know, they had so much going on I thought I'd give them space," said Chris, using his best poker face to disguise the true reason. Deep down, this frightened him, how easy it had been to lie to the woman he loved and just married.

"Well, you shouldn't let that stop you. Even if Brian's busy I'm sure Amy could use the company," said Liz sweetly.

"Yeah, I'll see if I can make the time to give them a call," said Chris, desperately wanting this conversation to end. "So what are your plans while I'm gone?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," she teased, smiling broadly. God he loved that smile. "I think I have a busy few days of catching up on TV. Maybe I'll watch the last few episodes of Lost that we missed."

"No fair, I haven't gotten a chance to see those yet!" Chris exclaimed.

"I'm just kidding, don't worry. I couldn't watch it without you; I love seeing you get so excited trying to figure out what those numbers mean. It's a real turn on," his wife said, rubbing his arm.

"Keep doing that and I'll never leave," he said, giving her a hug and leaning in for a kiss.

"Maybe that's my plan," she teased. Turning serious, Liz said "I do miss you when you're not here, you know. I know your job is important, but I wish we could spend more time together."

"I know, but I need to build my portfolio in order to move up the ladder to Senior Salesperson. Once I do that, the travel should get lighter and my salary should improve." Chris told her. He wanted nothing more than to be with her, but they needed the extra money if they wanted to start their family. He did well, but he didn't make near the money that Brian was making as a doctor.

But he did worry about what the time away would do to his marriage. Right now, he was traveling for a few days every few weeks. That was a lot of time to be away from each other. And though they spoke on the phone all the time, it wasn't the same. He felt himself losing touch with her. But he didn't express these feelings to Liz; he didn't want her to worry. She was always so happy and bubbly; so different than him. The last thing he wanted to do was make her feel sad before he left.

"I better hit the road babe; see you in a few days. Love you," Chris said giving her one last kiss.

"Love you too; call me when you get there." Liz said as he left.

Once on the road, he thought about what his wife said. She was right, it had been a while since he had seen Brian and Amy; it would be great to catch up. Everything with Amy seemed like it was in the past, maybe he had been wrong after all. They were able to give up what they had for what was truly important in life. And surely those desires he had, that he had worked to suppress, would not come up again. He was madly in love with Liz; she was often all he thought about when he was away now. So seeing Amy wouldn't cause him any problems; all of that was over now. He decided to call Brian when he got down there (calling Amy first could look suspicious).

Brian was happy to get the call and excited about seeing his friend, with work crazy and the baby taking up much of his free time it would be nice to catch up. He had nothing scheduled for tomorrow night, so he told Chris he would talk to Amy about coming over the house.

Frankly, the prospect didn't enthuse Amy all that much. Not that she didn't want to see Chris (she did, uncomfortably so), but she had no time to make plans and set up dinner. Brian assured her they could order take out, so she relented. Anyway, Chris wouldn't be interested in my "Mom" body now anyway, she thought. 

She had just begun the process of shedding some of the baby weight, but still didn't feel fully comfortable with her new body. Brian was sweet about it, telling her she was beautiful, but they had just started having sex again. Frankly he wasn't around enough for it to happen regularly, and most times they tried were interrupted by the cries of a little baby down the hall.

Upon arriving at his room, Brian called Chris to let him know they were on for tomorrow night. Despite himself, he couldn't help feeling a little anxious at the prospect of seeing Amy again. Anyway, Brian would be there, so it's not like anything could happen. 

He remembered Amy at his wedding, she had a glow about her, and he assumed it was from being a new mother. He also thought she looked curvier, sexier even, and were her breasts just a little bit bigger...Chris mentally slapped these thoughts out of head. 

"Why am I going there again all of a sudden," he lamented to himself. Maybe I should call Brian and make an excuse why I can't come. Why take a chance, he thought to himself. But something kept him from picking up the phone.

The next afternoon, Amy received a call from her husband.

"Sorry hun, I just got called in to another surgery, it'll be a long one I won't be home until late," said Brian apologetically.

"Oh, that's too bad...do you want me to call Chris and cancel?" said Amy

"No reason to, why don't you two have dinner and hang out for a while, I'm sure you would like the company," replied Brian.

Her husband didn't mean anything by that, but Amy couldn't help but blush at his words. Suddenly, a number of possibilities of "keeping company" with Chris flooded her mind. But she shook them off.

"I don't know, I'm tired anyway and the baby is being a handful today. Maybe another time," said Amy.

"It's up to you, but I'm sure Chris wouldn't mind helping out. It'll probably be good practice, I'm sure he and Liz will be trying soon for one of their own. Listen I gotta go, don't wait up tonight, OK."

As Amy hung up the phone, she debated what she should do. Several times she picked up the phone to call Chris and cancel, but something stopped her. It would be good to have someone to talk to for a while, thought Amy. But talking has never been our strong suit, another part of her mind said.

Now that she decided not to cancel, her mind turned to other matters...what to wear? With her husband there, Amy hadn't really thought much about wearing anything other than her comfortable t-shirt and sweatpants. Now, all of a sudden, her mind thought differently. She had just begun to fit into her pre-maternity clothes, maybe she would put on one of those nice sundresses she loved. 

After his meetings, Chris drove to Brian and Amy's new house. Knocking on the door, he was surprised to see Amy answer, and he was distressed to feel himself responding to how she looked. Dressed in a pretty blue sundress, she looked great. She was curvier, but in a good way. "I should have canceled, but it's too late now; at least Brian will be here too," he thought. Chris tried hard to stop mentally undressing her and forced himself to speak.

"Hi Amy, great to see you, where's Brian?'

"Oh, he called a little while ago, another surgery came up and he won't be home til late. He said we should still get together. Hope takeout is OK," said Amy.

"Oh, yeah, no problem," said Chris, but his mind instantly turned to other thoughts. Alone with Amy, in her house, and her husband gone until much later. Why did she have to look so good right now?

Amy was thinking the exact same thing. "God he still looks great, and he's looking at me that way again, like he always did right before he rips my clothes off"...these thoughts were interrupted by the cries of her little girl, snapping Amy out of her trance.

Chris waited for her in the family room, and tried to hold his burgeoning desires at bay. This was nuts, he had to get a hold of himself. "I love my wife, I love my wife," he mentally chanted to himself. The thought of Liz focused him, and he began to relax. Thank god, he thought, but maybe I should leave. He would wait for Amy and tell her something came up.

Amy came back in after a few minutes and noticed he was much calmer, and a large part of her was disappointed. But not surprised, who would want her right now anyway, right?

"Is Italian OK, there's a great place a few blocks away that delivers," she asked.

"Uh, I hate to do this to you, but I was thinking maybe I should go, I have a real important meeting with a new prospect tomorrow that I should prepare for," said Chris, as he began to sweat. 

"Oh,OK, yeah I understand," said Amy. I knew he didn't want me anymore, no one does, not even my husband, she lamented. Suddenly, out of nowhere, she started to cry.

"Oh Amy, I'm sorry did I upset you?" said Chris, closing the distance and giving her a hug. God she still feels great in my arms, he thought. In that instant he knew he was in trouble.

"Geez, I feel like such an idiot," she sobbed. Calming down, she explained, "I just get emotional out of nowhere lately...sometimes it's hard being alone, I guess I was looking forward to some company tonight. But first Brian couldn't make it, and now you," she pouted, looking into his eyes. She knew it was manipulative, but something told her she couldn't let this man leave yet.

"OK...maybe just for dinner," he replied, as he let her go. His previous chant was replaced by a new on, "Do not get hard, do not get hard."

"Great, I really need this," she said happily. "Why did I use those exact words?"she asked herself. And why am I so happy all of a sudden?

They ordered from the Italian place a few block away, and talked about their lives as dinner arrived. In truth, they never really talked much (they were too busy with other things), but it was nice to catch up.

"So how's motherhood treating you?" asked Chris.

"Wonderfully, but it is hard at times. Like I said Brian is so busy at work again that he can only help so much. We're doing our best though," replied Amy.

Chris had heard this before from Amy, and it often led them to dark places. When she felt lonely or when Brian was preoccupied, he knew she often turned to their trysts to provide a release. It was wrong for him to take advantage of her in those times, but he couldn't help himself. He was determined not to here...though likely he was reading too much into it, sex with him was probably the furthest thing from her mind.

Except it wasn't, and was quickly becoming the only thing on her mind. For the first time in a long time, she felt like a woman again, dressing up and trying to entice a man. Even it was subconscious at first, she now realized that was what she was doing. This was heading toward danger, but Amy didn't want to stop.

"How are you, Chris, married life treating you good," asked Amy.

"Yeah, it's great; Liz and I have been busy with work, so we're still working our way through spending enough time together. I still have to travel often, so we seem to be spending more time apart right now," replied Chris.

"Oh, that's too bad," said Amy softly as she reached out to caress his arm. "Why did I do that," she thought..."maybe because he isn't getting enough at home...I could solve that right now," another darker part of her mind thought.

Chris froze at the contact with Amy, but found his groin being stirred to life. Oh boy, he thought, but god how much bigger are her breasts now?

Amy saw it, that look was back. She hadn't realized until now, but she missed it. Along with other things she missed, that she saw an opportunity to be reacquainted with. She had to get Kelly ready for bed, so she got up and told Chris to grab a glass of wine and wait for her in the living room.

Chris' heart was pounding as he gulped down his wine. Here he was again, seemingly powerless to stop the inevitable. Actually he wasn't, he could make up any excuse to leave, but he knew he didn't want to. He only wanted one thing, and he decided he was going to have it.

He thought of his wife, sitting home alone, maybe thinking of him and wishing he was there. And here he was, knowing what was about to happen, and not being able (and not wanting) to stop it. Liz was so great; he had no real complaints about their life together. Maybe if he did this would make more sense. Sure they didn't get to spend as much time together as newlyweds might want, but their time together was great, they had so much fun together. And he had no complaints about their sex life. So why was he so turned on right now, maybe more than ever before with Amy? 

Deep down, since he began having these fantasies, this was a major one, sleeping with a woman in her house, that she shared with her husband...marking another man's territory in a way. What was wrong with me, he thought. The idea of someone doing this with Liz turned his stomach. Why was it so easy for him to do it to Brian, a man he considered a friend?

Amy returned and turned on the new satellite radio they had bought. She tuned into the cheesy love song channel. "In Too Deep," by Genesis was playing. An apt metaphor, they both thought. She turned to Chris.

"Dance with me," she said seductively.




Exploring Feelings Ch. 04



Chris got up and tried his best to hide his growing erection, but Amy saw it immediately, and felt it as he took her in his arms. She missed how that felt, and in that moment realized she was going to feel it again tonight. Without a thought, she moved her hand to his groin.

"Ohhhhh...Amy I don't think we should," groaned Chris, but he made no move to stop her.

"The rule was, I said when we stopped and started...well I'm ready to start again. I need it, I need to feel like a woman again," moaned Amy.

That was all Chris needed, in an instant all thoughts of his other life were gone, and everything became centered again on Amy and relieving the tension in his genitals. He pulled her into a passionate kiss and groped her body.

"You're so beautiful," he gushed.

"I'm ugly and fat," sighed Amy in a moment of self-doubt.

"No, you look better than before, more womanly," said Chris as he began to nibble behind her ear. "But I want to see your body," he whispered.

"Let's go upstairs to the guest room," said Amy breathlessly. She knew what would happen, it had to, and she just hoped her daughter would stay asleep for long enough.

Chris walked Amy backwards up the stairs to the guest bedroom, kissing her all the way. Once inside, they feverishly tore each other clothes off and scrambled on the bed. Not knowing how much time they had, and hot with desire, they wasted no time. In an instant they were naked and Chris was lying on top poised at her entrance.

He slowly sunk in and both groaned in delight. Even after childbirth, Amy's pussy was so sweet. And Chris' penis fit perfectly inside it. With a grunt, he quickly began to pick up speed, in and out, in and out, Amy meeting his thrusts with one of her own. It felt divine, for both of them, like always. At that point nothing else existed in the world except where their genitals were joined.

"Oh baby, this feels great...keep going, don't stop, I need it," cried Amy.

Chris could do nothing by grunt incoherently, words had left him, all rational thought had. He pounded harder and harder, eliciting the high pitched moans from Amy that he loved.

"YES...YES...YES!" chanted Amy as she built further and further to the massive orgasm that she needed. Nothing could stop her at this point she thought, until all of a sudden a terrible realization popped in her head.

"Chris, you can't cum inside me, I'm not back on the pill yet, Chris...oh god that feels so goooood...Chris please answer me," Amy pleaded.

The only response from Chris was more incoherent grunts at first. He just kept pounding, rapidly building up speed like a locomotive, steaming ahead to his goal, which was as always to blast Amy's insides with his cum.

"Chris, please you're gonna get me PREGNANT!" Amy shouted, but she was beginning to lose the fight as her orgasm began. She wasn't going to be able to stop him, and though she didn't fully realize it she didn't want to. Almost imperceptibly, she began holding him in place with her hands as he drove faster still and emitted guttural sounds.

However, at hearing the word pregnant, Chris slowly began to snap out of his sexual trance and process what had been said by Amy. He was so close, just a few more strokes and he would cum. And he wanted nothing more than to cum inside her. But his rational mind finally took over. He couldn't risk getting her pregnant, how could they ever deal with that? For once, he stopped himself from fulfilling a fantasy (perhaps the ultimate one).

With a groan of disappointment (from both of them), Chris managed to pull his penis out in the middle of Amy's orgasm...he gave himself one then two brutal strokes and roared as his cum blasted out of his piss hole and all over Amy's breasts and stomach. Feeling his hot load hit her, Amy finished her own orgasm.

As great as that felt, she still hungered to feel his cum inside her. She was glad he listened and pulled out, but even so she began to rationalize that it wasn't the fertile time of the month for her and it would have been OK. Next time, he was coming inside her, she made the immediate decision to go back on the pill. And that she would fuck Chris again.

After satisfying his desires, Chris began to feel his guilt rushing back. He loved his wife, but as soon as Amy touched his arm everything else was gone. He cursed himself for his weakness, but he knew where this was going. He suspected Amy was having the same doubts, but was surprised at what she said next.

"I'm going back on the pill tomorrow. I'll explain it to Brian, a lot of women use it for reasons other than preventing pregnancy. I need this in my life, as much as I can get it, for as long as I can get it. No one makes me forget my problems, or feel like more of a woman than you."

Little Kelly began crying, so Amy left the room to tend to her. Chris was dumbfounded at this; he had always counted on Amy being the one to know when they've gone too far. It was probably best to stop now. But having been inside Amy again, he knew he couldn't give it up just yet. Like before, he couldn't resist her, he just hoped he had the strength to stop it if she couldn't.

"You better go," said Amy as she came back into the room, "Brian will be home soon. He said he has time tomorrow, so he was hoping you could come back before you leave. I was hoping to see you again too." This was another fantasy of his, taking another's wife with the husband in the house. God help me, he thought, I'm an awful person. But he knew where he would be the next night.

So Chris came back the next night, and talked to Brian for a while and caught up with his best friend. They started watching some TV and Brian quickly fell asleep on the couch, tired from his long workday. Chris immediately began looking for Amy. He didn't have to wait long. 

Amy had been watching from the kitchen, and immediately took the opportunity she was hoping came tonight. For the first time, Amy and Chris christened the basement laundry room of her house, checking off another fantasy for Chris. He managed to pull out again, despite Amy's protests, before Amy dropped to her knees and let him come in her mouth.

When he was in town for business the next month, there would be no pulling out. Amy was back on the pill, and invited him over in the afternoon, after his business calls and before her husband got home. For the next several months this was a regular occurrence, neither could get enough of it. They also continued to take more risks, including regularly having sex in the basement when Brian was home (usually asleep after a long shift at work).

It was thrilling for both of them, but Chris knew it was going too far. As he promised the night before her wedding, they had to stop if it was getting too intense. And this was going way too far; how had they not been caught already? 

For Amy, she had come to rely on these trysts to get her through. With the baby and with Brian busy at work, she had thought she was going to have a breakdown. But being with Chris kept her calm; she didn't want that to end.

Once again, fate intervened, this time on Chris' side. Right before Christmas, Liz gave him the wonderful news that she was pregnant. Chris was overjoyed, having seen Amy and Brian with their daughter he knew he was ready to be a father. But he also knew he had to end it with Amy, at least for a while (he had long since stopped lying to himself than he could ever permanently stop this). He needed to be there for his wife and unborn child. He was sure Amy would understand.

She was upset at first, partly because she then realized Chris was still sleeping with his wife. She knew that was ridiculous, after all she was still having sex with Brian, who wanted to try for a second kid. But selfishly she wanted Chris to herself. The next time Chris was in the area, in January, he made excuses about why he couldn't visit. Amy tried calling him frantically, even calling at his home and risking Liz picking up. As time passed and she thought about it more clearly, Amy accepted it was over, at least for now.

Amy saw the irony in that the very thing she was trying to avoid through getting involved with Chris at first, having doubts later in life and risking her perfect family, is precisely what ended up happening as a result of getting involved with him. The law of unintended consequences, she thought ruefully.

At least for her, Brian was beginning to make his own schedule at work and was able to spend more time with his family. Once again, as Amy spent time with her husband she was reminded of why she married him. He was a good dad and a good provider, and they knew each other so well. She realized Chris had been right, it had to end again. He had to be there for his family like her husband was.

Amy went off the pill, and this time quickly got pregnant with her second child. Brian let Chris know the good news right as Liz was about to give birth to their first child, a daughter they named Jennifer. Once more, those intense feelings between Chris and Amy, that were so hard to fight in the moment, began to fade away as their attentions turned to their families. 

But neither was naïve enough to think it wouldn't happen again. Both were sure they would have to confront it again at some point, probably when they least expected it. Each time, the stakes got higher and more dangerous. Next time, would they do something that could put everything they built in their lives at risk? Both were afraid of this possibility, but wondered whether even that would be enough to stop once their desires took over.

PRESENT DAY:

Chris sat in his hotel room and thought about that last part for a long time. They did end up doing something that put everything at risk, something that could destroy them and everyone they loved. Yet here they still were replaying the same patterns. In 2005, Chris had been able to recognize this and stop things, at least for a while, until fate and tragedy intervened. 

Still, even their deepest, darkest sin (that neither were fully willing to deal with) had not been discovered, at least not yet. It had kept them apart for nearly 6 years, but it only took a chance encounter at the right moment to start all over again. Now they were rapidly heading down a course where its revelation became more and more possible, even likely. This time, Chris didn't feel he had the power to stop it. It would have to be Amy. But he knew one look at her and he'd probably fight like hell to keep her from leaving. 

Part of him, most of him, was scared of what she'd say...that this had to be over finally. But he also needed to speak to her, either way it went there were things that he had to get off his chest. Things that they needed to say to each other, things that only they knew about each other.

It was at that moment that the knock on the door came. Chris opened the door and saw the saddest looking woman he had ever seen. In that moment, he knew what her answer was.

"I'm sorry Chris," Amy said fighting back tears. "This has to be it, finally. In the moment, last night was wonderful. Every time with you is wonderful. But it can't go anywhere, other than heartbreak and devastation for everyone we love."

"We can still make it work, like we always do. This time, I got too into it, I see that now. If we just take another break it will be fine. Then we can start again," pleaded Chris.

"No, I was where you are 10 years ago. I was ready to give up everything to be with you. But you knew better. We can't do that to Liz and Brian, or the kids. Unless we do a clean break, it will never be over," lamented Amy.

"As I recall, nothing changed 10 years ago when I broke it off. We still came back to each other, and look what happened. We survived that, we can survive this," Chris said defiantly.

"I don't want to talk about that...as far I'm concerned it never happened," said Amy.

"We can't just bury it. We were both in pain then, and yeah we messed up, but we also created something, a new life," said Chris.

"You don't know that...and how would we survive it if it did come out?" Amy replied.

"Every time I look at him, that you look at him, you know it's true. He has my eyes, my hair color. The dates match, how can he not be mine...how can you sit here and tell me that," Chris said, his anger rising.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY!" yelled Amy, much too loudly. Luckily most of the hotel guests were out for the day. "That he's yours?...I don't know OK, maybe...probably...Oh what have we done," cried Amy.

"I'm sorry, you know I didn't mean to make you upset, but we've been dodging this for 7 years, we can't anymore," said Chris as he moved in to hug her.

Amy didn't move to stop him, but she didn't calm down either. "What do you think can happen, what good can come of this? You think you can ride in and drop this bomb on my family, and your family, and everything will be OK? That you and me can live happily ever after, with our ex-spouses who hate us and kids who despise us?"

"I'm not saying that, I just don't want this to end. I'll do anything you want...I'll go away for 6 years again. Just please tell me this isn't over," cried Chris.

"No, it has to be now. If not now, when? It has to end when I say it's over, you always promised me that. I didn't realize that 10 years ago, I wouldn't accept it was over, and look what happened" said Amy.

"I leave tomorrow afternoon. At least come and see me one more time, for a proper goodbye. Figure out a way," Chris said, "If this is over, it needs to end the right way."

"I don't think I can get away, I'm sorry," she said.

"I seem to remember you making an excuse to come see me here at night, once before," Chris said bitterly.

"That was a mistake. You know I'll always care for you," Amy said then quickly pulled away and ran out the door. 

Chris slumped back into his chair. Could this really be it, after all this time? His thoughts turned to what Amy said about 10 years ago. She was right, he had convinced himself it was over, that it had to be over. That time with Amy in her house, when they nearly made a huge mistake, had scared him straight. 

It scared him because deep down, for a long time after, his only wish was that he hadn't come to his senses and pulled out at the last minute. He wanted to give in to his deepest, darkest urge, to make his best friend's wife pregnant, to give her a piece of him forever. He knew it was sick and wrong, and that is why he willed himself to end it. And for almost 3 years it worked.

Chris wasn't a big drinker, and it was still early afternoon, but his meetings were done for the day, so he poured himself a scotch from the minibar and sat down. He needed the alcohol to think back to the darkest period of his life, where circumstances led to Chris and Amy making a mistake, the biggest of their life and one they could never take back.

AUGUST 2008

Chris Barnes was deep in thought as he drove down the Garden State Parkway on a summer Friday. As always, the Parkway was crowded as thousands of beachgoers headed to various points on the Jersey Shore for the weekend. The Barnes family was no different; they were heading to a beach house in Sea Isle City, near the far southern end of the shore, just north of Cape May. 

The house belonged to his friend Brian's boss, who was allowing Brian and his family to stay there for a much needed two-week vacation for the hard-working surgeon. There were plenty of bedrooms, so Brian had invited Chris and his family down for a week. 

Brian and Chris had lost contact over the last few years, in Brian's mind this was more the result of their busy lives and growing families. There just was no time to get together. But he knew Chris and his family could use the vacation, given the hell they had been through over the last six months.

Hell was an appropriate word for it as far as Chris was concerned. The year started off with the greatest moment anyone could experience, as Liz gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl. But their happiness in their growing family was destined to be short-lived.

In February, Chris' father collapsed at work and was pronounced dead before he could even be transported to the hospital. A massive heart attack was the cause; the doctors said he may have even had several heart attacks before this that he either ignored or didn't realize were a problem. Chris' father was never one to see a doctor, no matter how much his wife and sons prodded him to go, and he was a heavy smoker, so the fact that there were consequences for him was not surprising to his son. 

But it had happened so suddenly, with so much left unsaid. His father was not a touchy feely kind of guy, who would tell you he loved you and give you a hug. Chris had no doubt his father loved him, but after he died he realized he couldn't really remember a time when he actually heard his father say those words, or vice versa. That was just how his father was brought up; men didn't share feelings like that, even with their own sons. But these unresolved feelings left a hole in his youngest son. He had promised himself he would never be like that with kids, that they would always hear how much he loved them.

Chris barely had time to process this loss before his mother began complaining of terrible stomach pains. The diagnosis was no better, a rare, aggressive form of stomach cancer. Surgery was attempted, but it was quickly discovered that the cancer had spread all over her body, to her liver and lungs. 

They consulted the best cancer doctors in the country; Brian was an incredible help with his contacts, but nothing could really be done. Aggressive chemo was tried (described as "medieval" by one nurse), but it only succeeded in completely wiping out his mother and accelerating her decline. After an agonizing 4 months, she passed away in late July. 

Out of nowhere, Chris was faced with the loss of both of his parents, at just over the age of 30. In addition to the tremendous grief, it also brought a deep fear of his own mortality; both of his parents, and two of his grandparents, had died at around the age of 65. If that held for him, had he already lived almost half his life? 

His wife helped as best she could, but she was busy handling a toddler and two new young humans who demanded 90% of her attention. The unconditional love of his kids had helped Chris immensely during this period, but they also took his biggest sounding board away from him most of the time. Though he tried his best to hide it, Chris often felt rudderless and completely alone.

This vacation was doing little to help his mood. It was great for Brian to invite him, and he knew his wife and young daughter were looking forward to it (they had been through hell these last few months as well), but he knew it meant seeing Amy. Things had not ended great with them, Chris kind of just stopped returning her calls or texts, or visiting her during his trips. It was the only way he could think of to make her understand their relationship had to end.

Over time, Amy had stopped calling, and life seemed to return to normal. The few times they had been in contact, like at his parents' funerals and a few other functions, things had seemed fine between them, but they hadn't really spent any significant time together since he broke it off almost 3 years ago.

Both had added to their growing families, Chris with his twins and Amy and Brian had a second child, a boy named Tyler. Those responsibilities, in addition to everything happening with Chris' parents, had prevented any kind of outing like this, which had been frequent before. As he crossed over the Little Egg Harbor Bridge and approached Atlantic City, Chris wondered what the week would bring. He was less than an hour from finding out.

Sitting in the beach house looking out over the Atlantic, Amy Harris had similar thoughts. She was embarrassed at her actions after Chris stopped their affair, in many ways she acted like a lovesick teenager. After a month or two of moping, she picked herself up and moved on with her life. Brian was able to spend more time at home, which was always good, and she had her second child to distract her thoughts. 




Exploring Feelings Ch. 04



In fact, Brian now was pushing for a third; he wanted his kids to have the same two siblings that he had growing up. Amy had gone off the pill and they began trying, but Amy wasn't so sure a third child was a great idea. Two kids were hard enough to keep up with, how would they handle three? Maybe she could ask Chris how it was, with his three kids.

Ah yes, Chris, despite everything it always came back to him. Her heart went out to him for all he had been through, being a former nurse she could only too easily imagine the horrors he had seen trying to care for his mother. They say cancer is often hardest on the loved ones; it can be an utterly helpless feeling watching a person you love slowly slip away and be unable to do anything about it. And the sudden death of his father only added to his sorrow.

Partly because of everything he was going through, Amy and Chris had never really had a chance to talk about things. She didn't want to burden him with more baggage, but honestly she wanted to apologize for her behavior. In many ways, she saw the growing estrangement between their families as her fault, this week would give her a chance to try and fix that.

Amy just hoped those old feeling didn't resurface, for either of them. Despite everything, she knew they were still there for her, and probably always would be. She had been intimate with this man on and off for almost 6 years; she couldn't help but have some kind of feelings for him. 

But this was the first time she would spend significant time around Chris, this had never gone well (or had gone too well, depending on your perspective) in the past; they almost always ended up in bed together. And that devil on her shoulder always was trying to remind her it should happen again.

At that moment, she heard a car pull up in the driveway. Out of the car stepped Liz carrying the twins and little Jennifer, who was a ball of excitement at getting to spend time at the beach. Upon seeing Chris, Amy's heart immediately went out to him; he looked as though he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He forced a smile and gave her a hug.

"Nice to see you Amy," he said without much emotion.

"Hi Chris, how are you coping," she replied.

"As best as possible, this week should help, seeing Liz and the kids happy will be good," he replied.

At that point Brian came out and offered his greetings and help with their luggage. After taking care of that, Jennifer wanted to see the beach, so Liz took her along with the twins. Brian brought his children as well, leaving just Amy and Chris in the house. In previous times, they wouldn't have wasted this opportunity to be together. But this time was different.

Amy made coffee and sat down to talk. "I can only imagine what you've been through, Chris. No one should have to go through what you have these last few months."

"I guess they give the toughest guys all the worst stuff to handle," said Chris in an attempt at some humor. His mood quickly turned dark, though, "It does make you think about fragile life is, how it could end at any time. Makes you want to live life to the fullest," he said while looking up at Amy for the first time.

Amy recognized that look; it frightened and excited her in equal measure. Some of her most exciting moments in life were shared with this man, with that same look in his eye, a look of desire.

Chris didn't mean to look at her that way, but he couldn't help it. The longer he spent time with her, the more those feelings returned. He couldn't deny the part of him that wanted to throw her on the table and have his way with her. But he knew that time had passed.

Both spouses and kids then returned, and that brief moment passed. Most of the week passed by without anything of consequence happening, just a normal family vacation at the beach. The kids had fun building sand castles and swimming in the water, and playing mini-golf, and Chris' mood improved as he saw his family having a happy time. He didn't spend any time alone with Amy, mostly out of coincidence but partly by design. He would never fully trust himself around her.

Just a few days before the week ended, Brian got called back to the hospital on an emergency consult, leaving Amy behind with the kids to enjoy the rest of the vacation. Liz had her hands full with the twins as always, and didn't notice her husband's darker mood resurfacing. Usually, Chris would have sought her out, in many ways she was her rock. Despite just delivering twins, she went with Chris on every one of her mother's doctors' appointments, and even took her on ones Chris couldn't because of his work. But Chris felt he had already taken up too much of her time these past few months, he didn't want to take her away from the kids.

Amy noticed Chris staring out at the ocean on their final evening. She went out talk to him. "Penny for your thoughts," she asked, gently rubbing his shoulders in a comforting manner.

She had only meant it as a friend, but any time she touched him it always carried an additional meaning. Both of them chose to ignore it, for now.

"Just watching the waves," said Chris. Opening up, he said "Sometimes I can't help it, I just start thinking of my folks out of nowhere; they would have loved it here. I don't want to bring Liz or the kids down, they are having such a great time. Figured it was best to come out here and be alone for a while."

"You can always talk to me, I'm a good listener," smiled Amy. "You shouldn't feel like you have to go through this alone."

"I know, thanks," replied Chris. "How's everything with you, we've never really talked this week."

"Oh, the usual, most of my day is spent chasing two kids around," joked Amy. "Brian wants a third, but I'm not so sure, how is it having three kids?"

"It can be hard," replied Chris. "To use a basketball reference (Chris loved his sports metaphors), with two kids you can play man-to-man defense; you always have one parent for each kid. With three you have to play a zone, and that can be difficult."

"I don't think I ever would have thought of it that way, but it makes sense," laughed Amy. "I'll have to tell Brian that, he'll get a kick out of it."

"So you guys are trying again?" said Chris. For some reason, he wanted to know.

"Yeah, we just started," replied Amy. "But your husband kind of has to be here in order for it to work."...why on earth did I say that, thought Amy.

"This is why I didn't want to become a doctor," said Chris. "I knew the time away from the family would be tough." "But Brian's job provided me with a lot of opportunities", thought Chris before scolding himself.

Finally, Amy said what she had wanted to all week, "About my behavior a few years ago, I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for how I acted. You were right to end things when you did." As Amy looked up at Chris, with his brown hair billowing in the wind, she wasn't so sure that was true.

"Don't worry about it. I know it was hard, there were many times I wanted to call and see you. But I knew with time we would get through it," said Chris, although looking at Amy in the sunset was making him very uncomfortable.

Again, Amy picked up on the look...it never failed to raise her blood pressure. For some reason she had to ask, "Do you ever think of those times, because I do, all the time." At the same time, she placed her hand on his against the deck.

Before he could answer, Liz came out to talk. It was almost dark, so she didn't pick up on what was happening, and Chris and Amy covered quickly. But they couldn't deny those dark urges rushing to the surface.

Both went to bed saying the same thing, "I just have to get through one more night." Tomorrow both families were heading home. As Chris tossed and turned in bed, he never thought the night would end. He got up and headed to the kitchen for a glass of water around 1AM. Of course, there was another person in the house who also couldn't sleep, who he was destined to run into.

"Oh, I didn't think anyone would be up," said Chris looking at Amy in her t-shirt and shorts. She had gotten up to make a cup of tea. Chris couldn't help but stare at her, to ogle her gorgeous body...I'm in trouble, he immediately thought.

Amy had gotten up hoping she would run into Chris, and she had received her wish. Unconsciously, she had tossed out her bait, now she wanted to reel it in. "You're staring at me Chris, do you see something you like?"

"You know I do...but we can't do it. We can't start this again," whispered Chris.

"Let me make you feel good, if only for a moment, you need it after all you've been through, and I can still give it to you," said Amy as closed the distance to him and began rubbing his chest. "No one will know, and we can go back to our lives tomorrow." She leaned up to kiss him.

All his resolve melted away in that moment. He kissed back, hard, and lifted Amy onto the kitchen counter. He quickly disposed of her t-shirt and began kissing her nipples and the freckles that drove him crazy. But Amy knew they were too exposed here, anyone coming down the stairs would see them immediately.

"Not here," breathed Amy. "Follow me," she took him to the back room, being used as an office by her husband. She sat him on the couch and disposed of her shorts; Chris quickly removed his as well. Amy lowered herself onto Chris and sank slowly down.

"OHHHH..." both of them moaned quietly. Then they kissed, and neither moved for a long moment. Both realized this may be the last time they were joined this way, and they wanted to savor it. Slowly, Amy began to move up and down, up and down, much like she did that very first time nearly 10 years ago. Soon they fell into a familiar rhythm, the time apart doing nothing to lessen the knowledge of each other bodies.

"Mmm..yeah, you feel so good in there, where you belong," moaned an excited Amy.

"God you're still so perfect Amy," gushed Chris as he began to suck on her breasts. Amy picked up the pace and Chris bucked upward to her thrusts. Both of them felt an eruption pending, but then a realization dawned on Amy.

"Oh, baby, we may not be safe, do you have a condom?" said Amy while continuing to piston up and down on Chris' shaft.

"Uggh, god no I didn't bring any...didn't think I needed to," grunted Chris as he continued to hump upwards into Amy's delicious channel. It felt incredible to him, as always, he felt his balls stirring.

"Nghhh...I have to pull you out of me before you come," shrieked Amy.

"Uh-uh" said Chris somewhat uncomprehendingly. He moved faster and faster to a glorious release.

"Oh yeah, right there baby," Amy was so close to her peak...she was losing her mind in the pleasure.

"OH AMY...I'm gonna cum," breathed Chris...oh this was going to be a big one. But Amy made no attempt to move off.

"Amy, I can't hold it, I'm gonna blow," warned Chris...Amy just went faster. She didn't even hear him; she was too far gone to think of anything else but this man's sperm coating her insides. Chris figured it meant it was OK to finish like he always did. 

"Here it comes," snorted Chris. He pumped up once and let everything go...it was like an explosion in his groin as his semen shot inside of Amy...once, twice, three times.

Amy threw herself forward and kissed Chris passionately as they came down from their highs. Suddenly, finally, Amy realized what happened.

"Dear god, you didn't pull out...why didn't you pull out?" cried Amy.

"You didn't say anything when I told you I was close, so I thought it was OK. Oh no, please tell me that was OK," said Chris as his stomach tied in knots.

"It's right before my most fertile time, I'm not sure. UGHHHHH, I lost my mind for a moment, I wasn't thinking...why didn't you stop me?" Amy sniffed as she banged on Chris' chest.

"OK, it happened, but let's not freak out. There are things that can be done, pills you can take, we can still fix it," reasoned Chris, as his blood pressure rose. Dear god, they had finally pushed it too far, was all he could think. I am going to lose my family, my life...how could I have been so stupid?

Amy was still trying to process what happened. She wasn't a particularly religious person, but something about taking a pill to stop a pregnancy seemed wrong to her. She was a strong proponent of a woman's right to choose, but being a mother had changed her outlook somewhat. As she sat there, she could have a life beginning to grow inside her; a life that could ruin everything for her, but a life nonetheless. She had no idea what to do.

But she didn't want Chris to know any of this. He was not to be any part of this decision. If she was pregnant, Brian would be the father of this child. So she told Chris what she knew he desperately wanted to hear.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of it when I get home. As long as you take something within 3-5 days, it'll be fine. You should go back to your room," she told him.

"OK, OK," said Chris nervously. He was relieved, but also a little sad...he had similar feelings to Amy on the subject. Mostly, he was frightened, almost like a little boy. For a few seconds of pleasure he had potentially just ruined his family. All he wanted was to take them and drive 100 miles an hour away from here. He forced himself to calm down and try to get some sleep.

As morning came, Amy and Chris did not speak about the events of the previous night. In Chris' mind everything had been decided, and he still just wanted to get out of there, as soon as possible. Amy said her goodbyes to him and his family and began to pack her family for their trip back home. The whole ride back she went back and forth in her mind on what she wanted to do.

The next day, she pulled into the parking lot of a CVS...not one anywhere near her neighborhood. She didn't want anyone she might know to potentially see what she might be buying. She went in, then came back out, then in again. She began to be stared at by the incredulous employees, talking to themselves about the crazy woman who kept walking in and walking out without buying anything. 

Something in her mind, in her heart, prevented her from making that ultimate purchase. She couldn't bring herself to do it, even though she knew the potential consequences. In the low chance that she had conceived a life already, she had to bring it into the world. Maybe that was the ultimate punishment for her behavior. 

That night she made love to her husband, and the night after that, during what she calculated were her most fertile times of the month. She was not shocked when the test came back positive the next month. Her husband was overjoyed; Amy just tried to not think of it for the next nine months.

When little Johnny was born, she noticed the brown hair immediately, and knew what that possibly (likely?) meant. It didn't mean she loved him any less; he was hers the minute she laid eyes on him. Brian didn't think anything of it, and she knew he wouldn't. It was certainly possible for two blonde haired people to have a child with darker hair and darker eyes, so long as they carried the right genes. Brian could well be the father, she thought. And he would be, in any event. When Johnny cried, or got sick, or wanted to play catch, Brian would be the one there for all those things. Isn't that what fatherhood meant?

Chris put the pieces of his life back together, trying hard not to think of his mistake at the beach. Sure, he knew Amy was pregnant now, but he was certain it couldn't be his. However, logging on to Facebook after the birth and looking at pictures of the third Harris child, he couldn't shake a nagging feeling. He had brown hair, and those looked like his eyes. Maybe he was crazy, his wife looked at the same pictures and didn't notice anything; obviously he didn't ask but he thought he would notice if she had any suspicions. But he just couldn't shake the feeling, he had to know. His heart in his throat, he placed a call.

"Amy, its Chris, I need to ask you something. I saw the pictures of your son, maybe it's just me and I'm crazy, but there isn't any chance he's mine?"

"Don't worry, Brian will be the father of the baby," said Amy, answering the question without really answering it. 

"That wasn't really what I asked, I think you know that," retorted Chris.

"You have no responsibilities here, Chris, you're clear," said Amy. "I'm sorry, I couldn't bring myself to take the pill. It was likely too early for me to get pregnant then anyway. I know how Johnny looks, but I'm almost certain Brian is the biological father."

"Almost certain" was not a phrase that provided Chris with any relief, but he didn't know what else to do. If he pushed any further, he was risking destroying his own family. He could only imagine Liz's response to all this. He decided to let it go.

As time passed, the Barnes and Harris families began to lose contact. Part of it was simple, at least from the outside. Often times, the people you were close to at one point in your life you drift away from, especially if you lived a great distance from each other and began to raise families. As children grew, weekend soccer games and ballet recitals began to take over your life. 

And so it was with these two families. Eventually visiting was replaced by occasional phone calls, or checking in on Facebook, to no contact at all without any real reason why. Except that there was a real reason, at least for two people. 

Both Amy and Chris cursed themselves for their weaknesses, all along they had assured themselves they would stop things before it got too bad and they did something they couldn't fix. In the end, they may have indeed done just that. This time, without saying anything to the other, they knew it was over. 

PRESENT DAY:

Chris drunkenly stared at his phone, as day turned into evening. Having wiped his mini bar of any trace of alcohol, he realized now that Amy was not coming back tonight. He couldn't accept that. Frantically, he called her number, then again, then again. No answer. He sent text after text after text, pleading to see her one more time. None received any response. Finally, in a drunken stupor, he passed out.

The next morning, his head was no clearer, but he had to get out of this place. Amy was not coming back at all, it was over; he needed to come to terms with this. He faked his way through his meetings as best he could, and at the end of the day began the ride back to his home for the weekend. Upon arriving, he threw his keys and phone on the counter, and made a beeline to his bedroom. His wife passed him on the steps. She had just gotten the kids tucked into their beds.

"Hon, you look like hell...what happened?" said Liz worryingly.

"Must have been something I ate last night, I just need to take a shower and then go to bed, if that's OK," said Chris; it was the best he could think of in the moment.

"Yeah, don't worry about it. I'll make some soup and bring it up to you. Don't worry, I'll take care of you like I always do," she said giving him a big kiss.

"Thanks," he said. His wife was the kindest, most caring woman he knew. She always took care of others before himself. He knew he didn't deserve her, but he also knew he couldn't live without her either. Slowly, as he showered, he began to process everything with Amy. She was right, it needed to be over, in the moment he had been stupid but now he realized that was what he wanted to. He promised to devote himself to his wife, his family. They deserved 100% of him, not what he had been giving them.

As Liz went into the kitchen, she realized she should call a babysitter to watch the kids for a while on Saturday morning. She wanted to devote some time to giving her husband a little TLC. Absentmindedly, she picked up the first phone she saw. At first she didn't realize it was her husband's, and began to dial the babysitter with it, but as she looked at it and saw it was Chris', her eyebrows raised.




Exploring Feelings Ch. 05



Conclusion

PRESENT DAY:

Many times over the years, Chris awoke in cold sweats thinking about the conversation that was about to unfold with his wife. He had been so careful, so meticulous in hiding his secret life, so as to avoid it. But in his drunken haze, he forgot to erase his call history and text messages from his phone. As a result, the dreaded moment was here.

"Answer me GODAMNIT!" yelled his aggrieved spouse.

In that moment, Chris realized it was finally over. He had to tell Liz everything, to unburden himself of every detail. If he was ever going to piece his life back together, and in truth he gave himself about a 1% chance of success, she needed to hear the whole truth. No more secrets.

"Longer than you can probably bear," he said sadly, not able to look her in the eyes as he broke her heart and shattered her faith in him, "Longer than I've known you. Since college."

"All this time, you've been with her?" said Liz in disbelief.

"On and off, we would take breaks when it got too intense, when..." said Chris.

"When you thought one of us might find out?" she interrupted.

"Yeah, I guess. Each time we would tell ourselves it was over, but something would draw us back in. Brian would get busy at work and she would be lonely. Or you would be busy with the kids and I'd feel us losing touch with each other."

"So it's our fault, huh," Liz said scornfully. "We didn't pay enough attention to you, so you just had to go off and fuck each other."

"No...I don't know why," said Chris. "Honestly, if I could explain why it always seemed to happen I could have stopped it."

"Do you love her?" asked a sniffling Liz.

"No, we never connected like that, like you and I do. Sharing dreams and talking about your deepest fears; being there for each other in your best moments, in your worst moments. I only did that with you. With her, it was like a drug, it was dangerous, intoxicating, like I was still young, I guess. Being with her fed into some dark urges I had for a long time, before I met you. I developed feelings for her, I can't deny that. But not love, that I'm sure about."

"So these urges were more important to you than your family, your wife and your kids?" she cried.

"No...yes, in the moment, Chris said ashamed. "In the moment it was all I could see, all I could think about. After, I'd tell myself it couldn't happen again, but then it would just come back and I'd feel powerless again."

"So it's still going on."

"No, it's over now. We ended it. Finally," said Chris.

"You ended it, or she ended it?" asked his wife. It was an important distinction.

"She did," Chris said. No more secrets.

"So if she didn't you would have just gone on jumping into bed together the rest of your life,"

"No, I would have ended it soon, I know that. It tore me up inside, what we were doing to you, to the kids," Chris said.

"Yeah, right, I'm sure you had it rough," Liz said with a humorless laugh. Suddenly on the mention of kids, his wife had an even more awful thought.

"Dear god, Chris, tell me her kids aren't yours."

"Not the two oldest. But the youngest, Johnny...when we were down the shore, after my parents died? I was in such a fucked-up place in my head, Liz. She was stressed because she wasn't sure she wanted another. It just happened, but we didn't use protection. I thought it was OK, but apparently he might be mine"

"Might be!" said his wife angrily.

"I don't know for sure, we never tested it. But he has my hair and eyes...I can't deny that," said Chris.

"How could you be so fucking stupid!" yelled Liz. "I can't even stand the sight of you right now. You need to get out of here."

"Out of the house?" said Chris pitifully, like a little lost boy.

Liz thought for a second. "No, I don't want the kids to know anything is wrong, at least until I can figure out what to do. Stay in the guest bedroom, we'll tell them you're sick, or your back is acting up again, and you need to sleep alone. I don't care, but you can't be here right now. I need time to think."

"OK," said Chris. It was all out there, there was nothing else he could do at this point but hope. Head down, he left their bedroom. He looked in on his kids. Despite the yelling, they hadn't woken up...all were sleeping peacefully, like little angels. 

Chris entered the guest bedroom, fell onto the bed, rolled into a ball and cried, harder than he ever had in his life, harder than when his parents died. He had the perfect life, perfect wife, and he had probably just thrown it all away. For what, fleeting moments of pleasure, of excitement different from his everyday life? In this moment, he realized how worthless that was.

As he began to calm himself and think, he thought one last time about Amy, and how a chance meeting after 6 years led him to where he was now, completely broken.

NOVEMBER 2014

Chris had just reached his hotel room in Norristown and checked in. He had his first meeting later today, and more tomorrow, but now he had some time to kill. Ordinarily, he always had a plan for his free time when he was here, but that had ended abruptly over 6 year ago, after a terrible mistake.

Since the birth of Johnny, Amy and Chris had almost completely avoided each other. Neither of them wanted to face what they had done, couldn't face it. They threw themselves completely into their families...it seemed as if they had finally been scared straight. 

Chris still traveled regularly to the area in business, but avoided making contact with either Amy or Brian. He thought he would barely be able to look Brian in the eye, after all he had done. At certain times, Brian would call and ask when Chris would be around so they could meet; Chris always would have an excuse why he couldn't. After a while, Brian stopped calling, he had gotten busier at work and didn't really have the time anyway.

Amy never called, but Chris wasn't surprised. She was in complete denial about having to face what they (may have) done. She focused on her family and pushed all thoughts of Chris to the back of her mind. Chris didn't know what to do either. Even if Johnny was his biological child, what could he do? Any road just led to the break-up of his family, of two families. So he decided to stay away from Amy.

This was suddenly about to change. Chris decided to go to the nearby King of Prussia Mall to kill some time. Out of nowhere, he saw her leaving Macy's. Amy Harris had not changed a bit, she still looked great. Upon seeing him, she gave him a big smile, but that quickly faded as she realized what this chance encounter could mean. Both of their carefully constructed facades were about to crumble.

"Chris, great to see you. How are things?" Amy said awkwardly, while noting he still looked great to herself.

"Good, busy with work. You look great as always," he replied. And she did, even in a sweater and jeans. Chris began to contemplate everything underneath those clothes, of which he was intimately familiar. This is bad, thought Chris, but he made no move to leave.

"Thanks," said Amy with a blush. She hadn't thought much about the "look", as she came to think of the hungry way Chris looked at her when he was about to make a move on her. But she saw it now again, for the first time in 6 years, and her heart beat faster at its return.

"Want to get a coffee, I have some time before my meeting," he asked, hopefully.

"Sure," Amy replied, though almost every fiber of her being was telling her run, the other part won out, as always.

They talked for a while about their lives. As always, Brian was busy at work. Apparently his boss was getting ready to retire and the hospital was looking for a successor. Brian was doing everything he could to be that person, but it required spending more time at work to prove himself as ready to take over. Once again, Amy often found herself alone on nights and weekends, and incredibly lonely.

After, Chris walked Amy to her car. As they got there, he brushed a stray strand of blonde hair, billowing in the autumn wind, out of her eyes. They stared at each other for long moments before leaning in for a passionate kiss, up against her car. Amy quickly got into it, before pushing Chris away, panting. Anyone could have seen them.

"What's the matter with you, after all we've done this can't happen," she said with alarm. "Anyone could have just seen us. People I know, that Brian knows."

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. I just go wild every time I see you. Come back to my room later tonight, I need to see you, to feel you," he said, rubbing his fingers against her lips.

"Mmm," she groaned, opening her mouth and sucking on his fingers. She wanted to suck on a lot of things in that moment. "What am I doing, I can't Chris, I'm sorry," Amy turned to try and open her car door with her trembling fingers.

"Make an excuse and come to me tonight, I know you want to. I'm at the usual place," Chris said huskily, as usual all he could see now was being inside Amy again, and after all this time.

"No, it's too dangerous, goodbye," she said, getting in her car and driving away quickly.

Chris could barely concentrate at his meetings. He returned to his room in the evening and plopped on the bed. Six years, he thought, and it came back in an instant. His life was great, he loved his kids and Liz was wonderful and everything he wanted, that he needed. So why did all his thoughts in an instant turned to this other woman? 

Most of him was disappointed she said no, but rationally he was glad she didn't succumb to his advances. How could they possibly start this yet again, after all they had done? Suddenly, he heard a knock, and his heart soared (and sank). It couldn't be... 

...It was, "I couldn't stay away," said the blonde woman, pushing herself inside and jumping on to him. "I need it, give it to me," she said between kisses. "There's no better escape than you."

Chris ripped her top and jeans off and threw her on the bed. She sat up and seductively removed his shirt, kissing his chest, driving him wild. There was no stopping this now. She moved her hands to his belt buckle and slowly removed his pants. She took out his cock and began to suck.

"Oh yes, yes Amy you know what to do..." he moaned. She slowly licked his shaft with her tongue, down and up and back again. Then she put his penis in his mouth and sucked, hard. Chris made primitive grunts...god he was so ready to come. But he needed something else.

"I want to be inside you," he said, with a meaningful look at Amy. It was the closest they came to discussing 6 years ago in this moment.

"I'm on the pill," Amy said simply. "Put it inside me," she said, spreading her lips to ease his entrance. The anticipation was killing her. Chris pushed forward and entered Amy's vagina again, it felt no less spectacular than he remembered.

"Oh yeah" he grunted as his hips sent into motion at the brutal pace they both craved. It was not sweet and tender; neither of them wanted that. 

"UHHH-UHHH-UHHH," cried Amy as Chris took her breath away as he pounded forward. In heaven, she pushed herself up, and Chris pushed himself down on the bed, so she could ride him and take control. 

She rolled her hips and grinded on his cock, her rippling pussy driving him to his peak. She was right there with him. Chris sat himself up and began to suckle on Amy's nipples and freckles. Amy threw her arms around him as she continued to hump on his cock.

"Oh, here it comes Amy, here it comes," cried Chris as his balls tightened deliciously.

"Yesss..I need it" moaned Amy as she reached her orgasm.

"Ungggh," Chris grunted as he tried to hold on as long as possible. Finally, he could fight it no longer, with a bellow he announced his cum and pumped his semen inside of Amy. She latched on to his mouth and both hung on through the ride.

Chris collapsed back onto the bed, taking Amy with him on top. As they came down, there were so many things he wanted to say, so many questions he needed answers to. But Amy was not interested in speaking.

"I need to get back. I told Brian I had to pick up a few things at the supermarket, he'll be suspicious if I'm any longer." With that, Amy got up, began to dress and get ready to leave. Chris didn't know what to do or say, was this it?

At the door, Amy turned back to him. "Give Brian a call tomorrow," she said with a knowing smile, "I'm sure he'll want to invite you over for dinner." She turned to open the door and left.

Chris felt like a freight train had hit him, yet again. But he knew he would be making that call tomorrow. It had started again, but the question was where would it lead?

PRESENT DAY

To the end of my life, Chris thought as he woke up the next morning. Liz and the kids were nowhere to be seen. A brief moment of sheer panic hit Chris...had she taken them and left me? But he quickly saw all their clothes and belongings were still in the house. Liz had only taken them out for breakfast, avoiding questions as to why Daddy wasn't joining them. As they returned, Liz let them watch TV. Then she took a deep breath and found her husband.

"The first thing I need to know is if you still want to be with her. Any part of you, because if you do, you should leave immediately. You need to be completely honest with me, no more bullshit," Liz said.

"No Liz, I love you, I only want you. Right before you confronted me I realized that. It had to end with Amy, it's over, for good now," he replied. Of course, he had said this before, to himself, and it hadn't been true. This time though, saying it to his wife, it felt different.

His wife grimaced at the mention of Amy's name, but continued without comment: "For now, you stay in the guest bedroom. I am not forgiving you, not by a long shot, but I won't kick you out, at least not yet. For our children's sake, I am willing to work on things, but I have some conditions."

"OK," said Chris. At this point, he would agree to anything.

"Number 1, you can't have any contact with...her," Liz couldn't even say her name. "None whatsoever. If I find out you've spoken to her, or texted her, or checked her Facebook page, you're out. If she calls you for some reason, you are to tell her you can't speak to her and tell me immediately."

"Yes, absolutely," said Chris.

"This includes her son, you can't see him as well," she explained further. "Frankly, I'm not sure if that isn't the bigger betrayal for me. Right now, you need to focus on the three kids in your house, and that boy already has a father. At some point, we may have to deal with that, but right now I can't even think about it."

"I agree," he replied. And at this point, Chris didn't know what to do about Johnny either.

"Second, I can look at your phone, emails, which websites you browse, anything. Whenever I ask, you have to show me who you've called or spoken to. My trust and faith in you went from 100% to 0 in an instant. It can't be rebuilt overnight,"

"I understand. Whatever you need," he said.

"Third, we will speak to someone, a marriage counselor together, when I'm ready. But I want you to start seeing someone yourself immediately. You obviously have a lot of issues, and I can't be the person to talk you through that. Not anymore."

"OK, I'll find someone," Chris didn't quite get this part. The marriage counselor was understandable, but he didn't like having to spill his secrets to a complete stranger. But for Liz, he would.

Chris had to know one thing. "Are you going to speak to Brian and tell him? If you want me to, I will pick up the phone and tell him everything."

Liz paused for a very long moment, deep in thought. "No, that's none of my concern. You've already ruined one family; I won't have a second on my conscience. Let her figure that out. That's all I have right now. As long as you meet those conditions, you can stay here, for now."

"OK, thank you. It's more than I could have expected, given everything."

His wife simply frowned at him, and left to look after the kids. After that talk, Chris gave himself about a 2% chance of saving his marriage. At least he had made some progress.

Over the coming weeks and months, Chris did everything that his wife had asked him to do. Thankfully, Amy never called, but his wife did check his phone regularly, even when he didn't know about it. Everything checked out. He began speaking to a therapist; surprisingly he found it helped, it turned out to be pretty easy to spill your guts to a complete stranger. 

The therapist seemed to think a lot of the issues stemmed back to college, when he was cheated on by his then girlfriend Emma. After being betrayed himself, his mind had unconsciously twisted it into taking some perverse thrill in trying to ruin other relationships, in trying to hurt people like he had been hurt. The risky sex was his cry for help, so to speak, begging to be caught. Chris wasn't sure he believed that fully, it seemed too simple; almost an excuse for his terrible behavior, but at least it was something.

After a few weeks he also began to see a counselor with Liz. There was a lot of screaming and yelling at first, but then eventually calmer talks. Chris tried his absolute best to explain everything to his wife in those sessions; why he had done it, why he risked his marriage, why he desperately wanted (needed) a chance to fix it, why it would never happen again, why he loved her, with all his heart. He felt things were going well, but Liz remained distant. 

He realized he completely missed his wife, though he was still sleeping mere feet from her it felt like a chasm between them. He missed their talks, how they had fun, how she could make him laugh with just a look. He had taken all that for granted when it was happening, now he desperately clung to the hope that he would get his wife to just look at him like she used to, even just once. That he would see her goofy, but beautiful smile again. The one he promised himself he would never take away from her. Another broken promise, he thought shamefully.

After about six months passed, with no end to their estrangement in sight, Chris noticed that Liz was asking him more frequently to watch the kids while she went out with "friends." Sadly, he knew what this meant; there were any number of single fathers at the kids' school that would cut off their right arm for a chance at Liz. Who wouldn't, she was smart, funny, and beautiful, and any man would be the better for having her. Chris had her, and he threw her away. It killed him inside to realize that Liz was seeing other men, but he knew he had no right to say anything. He could only hope his wife could find it in her heart to forgive him and return to him, but she had to come to that conclusion on her own now.

In reality, Liz wasn't enjoying the dating scene. At first, she did it mostly to get back at Chris, to make him feel a fraction of the pain that she did. But she found no enjoyment in it; most of the men were only interested in jumping her bones. As a mother of three kids, she quickly realized the emptiness in these meaningless flings...why hadn't her husband been able to see this? 

Liz had only confided in a few people about what had happened; her mother and a few close friends. Her girlfriends mostly told her to end it, that the betrayal was too great and she'd never get over it. It was best to move on immediately and begin rebuilding her life.

Her mother urged more caution. Before she fundamentally changed both her life and the lives of her children, she had to be 100% sure that her husband's sins were unforgivable. That the betrayal completely overpowered any love she still felt for him.

And that was it for Liz; despite everything, she still loved Chris. She hated him too, but the love was still there as well. She saw it every time she looked at her three kids; they all had the best parts of him. She desperately wanted to see those things in him again too, but every time she began to she could only just picture him with...that woman. 




Exploring Feelings Ch. 05



Liz couldn't bring herself to ask Chris to leave; she couldn't bear having to tell the kids. But she couldn't completely forgive him, either. He was trying so hard, paying attention to her again, telling her how beautiful she looked in the morning, asking her how her day had gone and helping to make dinner for the kids at night, things he hadn't done in a while. At the time she didn't notice he had stopped these things, now she realized where his mind probably was in those times.

During these moments, she saw the man she married, more and more, but her mind still saw the other man too, that had betrayed her repeatedly. Until that man disappeared from her mind, she couldn't move forward. But what if he never disappeared? Well, Liz realized what that meant too. But she didn't know how long it would be before she knew which way it would go.

Soon almost a year had passed since his confession, and the Barnes family was still very much in limbo, together in one house but with Mom and Dad separated it seemed by miles. It didn't go unnoticed by the kids; you could only explain why Mommy and Daddy were sleeping in different rooms for so long. 

The twins were not yet old enough to really comprehend what had happened (they just knew Mommy was mad at Daddy for something), but the oldest, Jennifer, was big enough now to have an idea as to what might have happened. Not only were they in separate rooms, but they didn't seem to really spend any time together. She also had noticed her Mom frequently going out on her own during the weekend, although that had stopped recently.

Mostly, her Mom just seemed sad all the time, like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. It was unlike her Mom, she was usually the happiest one in the house. Jennifer often caught her Mom giving her Dad long meaningful looks. It was often when he was with her or one of her siblings; just last night she saw it at dinner, when her Dad was helping her younger brother cut his steak up into chewable pieces. Her Mom had the briefest of smiles on her face as she looked at them, but that was quickly replaced by a frown and quick, but sad, shake of her head. What did that mean?

As for her father, if anything he was trying too hard to pretend like nothing was wrong. Her father was usually busy and had to travel a lot, but he always was attentive when he was home. Now, though, he seemed to go into overdrive, and he was everywhere with them. Picking them up after school, volunteering to coach their basketball and soccer teams, spending long hours after dinner reading stories and helping them with their homework. Also, he had stopped going away for work, almost completely. She loved her father, but a 10-year old (soon to be 11) girl wanted a little privacy too.

But she noticed sadness with him as well. One night Jennifer got up late to get a glass of water in the kitchen. When she got there, she saw her father, staring off into space and with tears in his eyes. When he saw her, he quickly covered and focused all his attention on her, but Jennifer knew this was not normal.

Jennifer had several friends at school whose parents divorced, and she had heard their stories. A lot of what she was experiencing sounded similar. So were her parents going to get a divorce? Jennifer wanted to do something, anything to help, but she wasn't able to figure out a way to fix it; really no one her age should have to. And she was afraid if she confronted them, it would force her Mom to make a decision, and she would choose to make her Dad leave. As long as he was still in the house there was hope, right?

It continued this way until one day Chris was at work when he received a call from a frantic Liz.

"Chris you have to come quick. Melanie was riding her bike, I got distracted by Mark (her son) and took my eyes off her, she accidently wandered in the street and got hit by a car, she broke her leg we're at the hospital," she said, all in one breath.

"OK stay calm, I'm on my way." Chris rushed to the hospital as quickly as possible. Once at the ER, he saw Liz and she ran to hug him, crying. It was the first time his wife had really touched him in over a year, but all he could think about was his youngest daughter.

"Shhh, how's Melly," he asked his wife while holding her, using his nickname for his daughter. It did feel good to be able to have her in his arms again, smelling her perfume and the shampoo she used. Why had he ever risked losing her? As time passed, it became less and less clear to him, until it finally became a complete mystery.

"She has a compound fracture of her leg. They have to place a rod in surgically, and then she has to stay here for a few days. Oh god, Chris, it's all my fault, I took my eyes off her for a second and this happened."

"Hey, it's not your fault...you're the best mom in the world. And Melly's a tough girl, like her mom, she'll get through this...we'll get through this," said Chris, holding Liz's face in his hands.

"OK, I'm glad you're here" said Liz, looking into his eyes. For the first time since his confession, she only saw the man she had married, the man she thought she had known like no other, that she would spend the rest of her life with. She was happy to only see that man again.

"Can we see her?" said Chris.

"Yeah, come on I'll take you to her room," said Liz, grabbing her husband by the hand as she began to walk.

Once there, Chris' heart broke for his little girl, his baby. She was trying to put on a brave face, but when her Mommy told her she needed an operation to fix her leg, she got really scared.

"Hey kiddo, heard you got into a little trouble," he said consoling her.

"Daddy, my leg really hurts. Mommy said the doctors have to fix it, and that I have to go to sleep so they can. Daddy, am I going to die?"

"Of course not honey, the doctors are going to take good care of you, and Mommy and I will be here when you get back," he said to his daughter.

"Promise me you'll be here Daddy, that you'll never leave me," asked his little girl.

"I promise baby girl," he said. Chris desperately wanted everything to work out with Liz, but even if it didn't he had to be there for his kids. Selfishly, he had let his desires rule him for too long, and too often they weren't his primary concern. No matter what happened, he could never allow that to be true again.

Melly got through her operation like a champ, but her leg still needed to be immobilized for a few days; she needed to stay in the hospital during that time. Chris and Liz took shifts at her bedside, they wanted one of them with her at all times. 

One evening, Liz was about to relieve Chris for the night. Melly was sleeping, but as her Mommy walked in she woke up. She had something she needed to say, when both her parents were there.

"Mommy, remember when I was playing in your room and I broke the flower thingy (Melly couldn't find the right term--vase) that Grammy had given you...you were pretty mad at me and you punished me."

"Sure, I remember," said Liz, thinking back to that time a few years ago. She had been so upset with her daughter at the time, but she didn't know why she was bringing this up now.

"But you forgave me right, and soon you loved me again?" asked her daughter.

"Oh baby, I never stopped loving you, and of course I forgave you," said Liz, her heart melting.

"Then can't you forgive Daddy? He made you feel mad like me, but you forgave me and loved me again?" Melly was not old enough to understand what her Daddy did, that it was so much worse than breaking a vase; all she knew was that he must have made Mommy feel mad and sad like she did. But Mommies were supposed to forgive Daddies too, right?

"I know, honey," said Liz, holding back tears, looking at her husband who was doing the same on the other side of his daughter's bed. She reached out to hold her hand...and his, "I'm trying..."

After Melly fell asleep again, Chris and Liz went to the cafeteria to get a cup of coffee.

"What I said was true, Chris, I'm really trying."

"I know you are, Liz. Take all the time you need. This time, I'm not going anywhere. When you're ready I'll be here. Whatever happens, know that I love you, that I will always love you. But if you can't get past this I understand."

After a few days, they brought Melly home. Chris returned to the guest room. One night shortly after, he heard a pensive knock on the door, not unlike one he heard almost 20 years ago. This time, the woman entering was a brown-haired knockout, his wife, wearing a robe she was clutching with both hands. She let it go to reveal her naked body. It was the most beautiful sight Chris had ever seen, until that moment it was one he feared he'd never see again. 

Chris' heart was a jackhammer as she said, "Make love to me, Chris." He pulled her into an embrace and lowered her onto the bed. He had never been so excited, or nervous in his life...it almost felt like the first time they had ever made love. In a way it was, for once he was hiding nothing from his wife, he was an open book to her. No more secrets.

"Honey, I can't describe how much I want this...but it's been so long," breathed Chris.

"Shhh, one step at a time...with everything," answered his wife as she reached up to caress his face and pull him into a kiss.

In the moment, as he entered his wife for the first time in what seemed like forever, he felt whole again. Work remained to be done, it probably always would. But that's what marriage was, a lot of hard work to get to the good times. As Chris made love to his wife he gave it pretty good odds of working out in his favor now.

EPILOGUE

Several months later, Chris found himself in King of Prussia Mall again, picking out toys to bring back to his kids. He still made this trip on occasion; though he had given up most of his clients in and around Philadelphia, there were a few that were too big for him to let go. Liz hadn't asked him to give his other clients up, but he felt it was right to do it. As he neared 40 he didn't want to travel as much, he wanted to spend time with his family.

Slowly but surely, he had rebuilt his marriage and trust with Liz. It would probably never be what it once was, once you break someone's trust so fully, as he had, you probably never could completely get it back. But they realized they loved each other, and their family, and wanted to put in the work to save it. 

They had long talks about everything that had happened, and how to move forward. They talked about Johnny, about what to do, what to tell their children if they had to. Liz had the hardest time with this, for a long time she simply refused to think about it. But she realized if she was to make her marriage work, and by now she knew that was what she wanted with all her heart, that she might have to deal with it at some point. Secrets had a way of getting out, when you least expected them to; she had learned this all too well. 

It was easy if Johnny was an abstract idea that she didn't interact with, but what if he became real? Liz wasn't sure if that would ever happen, but she had to be prepared for it. And in the end, it was not the boy's fault; she couldn't take it out on him.

Chris made all these visits to Philadelphia day trips. It meant getting up at 4 in the morning to get here on time, but he never wanted his wife to think anything was going on. If that meant getting up at a god-awful hour then so be it. She was no longer monitoring his calls or texts, though he would have given her his phone in a second if she asked. He had nothing to hide from her. No more secrets.

As he left the toy store and turned the corner, he saw them. Amy and Johnny, sitting together having an ice cream in the food court. He stopped in terror, not of the feelings they once shared, but what he would say, or if he should say anything. 

His mind flashed to that time a few years ago, when a chance meeting like this, in the very same mall, had led to the final rekindling of their affair, the one that almost ended his marriage. It should have ended his marriage, except he was married to the most wonderful, forgiving woman in the world.

Unlike times in the past, the memories of Amy didn't bring back excitement, only sadness, at what they had done. Maybe he should just leave; after all she would never know he was here. But there were a few things he needed to say to her, that she should know. He built up his courage and walked over.

"Hi Amy," he said startling her.

"Chris, I can't believe it...it's been so long" she said. "You still come down this way?"

"Only on day trips, I gave up most of my clients here," he said. "Hi champ..." he said to Johnny.

"Hello," Johnny said to the vaguely familiar man. Young kids had short memories if you hadn't seen them in nearly 2 years.

"Why don't you go play on the merry-go-round honey," said Amy. "But stay where Mommy can see you."

"OK, Mommy, bye-bye," he said to Chris as he scampered away.

"He's gotten big since I last saw him," said Chris.

"Yeah, he's the apple of Brian's eye, they do everything together," said Amy.

"Everything good with you guys?" he asked.

"Yeah, Brian is now Chief of Cardiology, the youngest in history," said Amy with pride. "It's more of a 9-5 job so he gets to spend more time with us,"

"That's great, congratulate him for me," said Chris.

"You know you should stop by...just for dinner I mean," Amy stammered. "Brian would love to see you; he's always talking about how it's sad you lost touch."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Amy. Liz wouldn't like it," he replied.

"Oh?" said Amy, not understanding.

"She knows, Amy. About us," he said simply.

"She...knows? Everything?" she questioned, in disbelief.

"Yeah, everything."

"I mean, how, why, did you tell her?" Amy said, her fear rising.

"After you broke it off the last time, she found the texts I sent you. She confronted me, I confessed everything," he said.

"Everything? Even...Johnny?"

"Yeah, once she knew I had to tell her all of it. She deserved the truth for once."

"Oh my god, she's not going to tell Brian, is she?" Amy said in a panic.

"She's not that kind of person. She's not vindictive, she couldn't ruin your family like that," he replied. "But I told her if she wanted me too, I would've told him."

"She must really hate me," said Amy ruefully. "I know I hate myself."

"I wouldn't say you're her favorite person, that's for sure. I wasn't either, for the longest time, but we're working through it, every day, for the rest of our lives hopefully," Chris said. "I don't deserve the second chance she's giving me, and for the longest time I didn't think I'd get it, but now that I have it I won't blow it."

"Well, I'm happy for you. I could never go through that with Brian," she said.

"It's up to you, Amy, if you want to tell him. If he wants to come up and punch me I'd understand. He would certainly be justified. The most important thing is my wife knows everything. That's all I care about now."

Amy thought for a moment. Chris did look different; it was almost like you could see a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. That old look, the one she used to crave, was no longer there when he looked at her. In the end, she was happy for him, but it sounded like he went through hell to come out on the other side. She didn't see herself faring so well. She didn't think her husband would ever be able to forgive the betrayal. Every time he looked at Johnny, he would see it.

"No, we're in a great place, I can't ruin that," she said softly.

"These things have a way of coming out when you least expect it. Trust me on that."

"Yeah," she said. "I better get Johnny. Take care of yourself, Chris."

"You too, Amy," he said. "About Johnny, you have nothing to worry about from me. If someday you want to find out, that's fine. Liz said she's OK with that, we would figure out a way to tell our kids if we needed to. But Brian is his father, he always will be."

"Thank you," said Amy. "Are you going to tell her you ran into me?"

"Yeah, I have to. I want to," he said. "No more secrets."

"I hope it all works out for you. If nothing else, I want you to be happy," she said.

"I want the same for you, Amy. But think about what I said. The truth can set you free, I'm proof of that. It was the hardest thing I ever went through, but also the best thing that could ever happen to me." said Chris.

Amy smiled but said nothing as she walked towards Johnny. Chris had no idea if she actually would confess...probably not he thought. It was easier for Liz to gradually accept the existence of Johnny, she didn't have to see him every day and acknowledge how he may have been created. For Brian, it would be much more difficult, Chris figured. 

So he couldn't really blame her for staying silent; after all if his wife hadn't accidently picked up his phone, he likely wouldn't have confessed either. But knowing what he knew now, he knew It was the only way he could ever hope to rebuild his marriage. Knowing how close he had come to losing everything was the perfect detox program.

It finally allowed him to move past his fantasies and truly give himself completely to his family, to his Liz. Finally, that goofy smile he loved, that he had spent the better part of 15 years working to destroy had returned, and he vowed it was never going to leave again by his hands.

Chris was sure he would find out if Amy ever did tell her husband (hopefully Brian didn't own any firearms). But it was no longer his concern. Finally he was free of his deep, dark secret.

Right now, there was only one place he wanted to be. He placed a call to the love of his life.

"Liz honey, I'm on my way home..."

THE END