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An Absence

By: zampa



"An absence." I almost wrote "the absence", then realized how pretentious that would sound. This is not about Napoleon and Josephine, or FDR and Eleanor, or JFK and his two hundred and some odd true loves, it is about two ordinary people living ordinary lives and about the end their marriage and lives together.

We had been married a little over ten years and were in our early thirties. We were neither of us remarkable for breast size or male endowment, but had found each other attractive and had had a pleasant and uneventful marriage up until recently. The seven year itch had skipped over us and we had a satisfying and mildly adventurous sex life for most of our marriage.

We both worked, with me earning more than my wife earned, and had postponed having our first child until we felt that we had our financial feet on he ground. I had inherited our modest house from my grandmother, and so we were in the privileged position of having no house payments. The house was in my name as I had inherited it before we were married. We had two automobiles, both registered in my name, not for any particular reason other than that I had made the purchases and paid for them. Up to now, it had not occurred to me to think of them as mine instead of ours.

Our home life had been warm and friendly, with discussion of our work lives and interests and in shared interest in a few TV programs. We went out for dinner once in a while, and to movies, and occasionally took short vacations together, and generally enjoyed each other's company.

Then, for a few months, I began to notice an absence of the close relations that we had generally shared. Casual and pleasant conversation tapered off to nothing, and our sex life did as well. She never refused me, but seemed uninterested and uninvolved and I asked less frequently as it did not seem that attractive a prospect with a largely disinterested wife. 

An absence. She seemed distracted and seemed to be elsewhere in her mind.

It was after several months of this absence of normal relations that she said, for the first time, that she was going to go out this evening for a "girls' night out". I said, "whoa, this is a first. How did this come up?" I had until the last few months enjoyed our evenings together and did not like the prospect of an evening alone.

She said, well, she needed some time with her friends instead of always spending evenings at home with me and that that was what she intended to do tonight.

I said that for some months now she had seemed to me to be absent from our marriage and it seemed to me to be a bad thing for her to now decide to have evenings away from me with people that I did not know. I saw no good reason to equivocate, and so went on to say that from my reading and talk with other men, girls' nights out usually meant that a wife was seeking romantic and perhaps sexual relations with one or more other persons outside the marriage, or that indeed a wife had already formed a relationship outside her marriage and was going out on her own to be with her new boyfriend. I added that neither of these possibilities was even faintly acceptable to me, and asked her to cancel this girls' night out and have instead a discussion of where our marriage was and where it was going, and whether she had found someone else and was that what this was about.

She was irritated, and said that she did not feel like talking about our marriage and that she had a right to go out on her own if she wished to do so, and that indeed is what she intended to do.

I decided that there was nothing to be gained by shouting and took a moment to compose my statement to her. 

Then I said, all right, if that is your decision, here is mine. If you go out tonight I will assume that this is the beginning or continuation of infidelity on your part, and that this marriage is over. I said that I would initiate the process of divorce first thing in the morning, and that she was not to return to this house, tonight, or ever. 

I went on to say that I would immediately change the keys on all locks and reprogram the garage door opener, and would engage two security guards starting this evening to insure that if she and any companion tried to approach the house that they would be forcibly removed from the property.

I then took her purse from her, and removed her key ring and her telephone, which was in my name and paid for by me, saying that I was not going to provide her with a telephone to call her boyfriend(s), and that she would need to get her own. I added that she would need to take an overnight bag with whatever she might need for a few days, and that I would tomorrow engage a professional moving and storage company to come and remove her possessions from the property and put them into storage for her to retrieve at her expense. Any thing that did not get removed tomorrow I would gladly box or bag up and send to her, so that she would not lose anything that she valued, as long as she initiated this process within a month from tonight. More than a month, anything left would go to a charity. I suspect that a judge will give me a hard time about this at some later date.

Continuing in her purse I removed all credit cards that were in both our names, along with the checks on an account in both our names, and resolved to cancel all such credit cards by telephone this same evening and to go modify the joint checking account in the morning, leaving half the balance for her and removing my name from the account. I mentioned that I was keeping the car keys as well as the house keys, as both cars were in my name and not hers. Who got which car and so on would eventually decide by the judge during the divorce proceedings, but for now I was keeping them rather than make it more convenient for her to fuck around outside the marriage. I suspect that a judge will give me a hard time about this too, but so be it.

She said that she was stranded without a car, so I volunteered to call her girlfriend and ask her for a ride. I called the first number on her phone, and a woman with whom she worked answered. I said that I was Maria's husband and that I understood that she was going on a girl's night out, but that she didn't have a car. The woman answered that she did not know anything about such a night out, so I asked her if she knew who I should call, and she became a bit defensive and said that she nothing about it at all. 

I called the second number on her telephone and a man answered. I said who I was, and asked if he was going on the night out, presumably with friends from work, and he said that he was, and that they felt it would be good for the co-workers to relax together. I agreed, and asked if he could pick up Maria as she did not have a car tonight. He agreed, and I gave him the address.

I then turned to address Maria directly, and listed three options from which she could choose. 

The first option was as described above: out the door, out of the marriage, and out of the house. Conditions as stated above. I would file for a divorce tomorrow in recognition of the fact that she had, by her actions, in reality already chosen to terminate the marriage.

The second option was to tell me what was going on, cancel this night out, send her 'date' away and sit down with me to discuss the matter. I would still initiate the divorce first thing tomorrow, on the assumption that she had already nullified the marriage, but let her stay in the house for a week or ten days using the spare bedroom before requiring her to leave.

The third option was to cancel this night out, but refuse to discuss anything, with the same result as option one but not being forced to leave the house until tomorrow morning, although leaving tonight would be better as far as I was concerned..

Divorce proceedings would be the same in all three options.

She said all the stock things, that it was not what it seemed, that I did not understand and so on, that she "needed space," and could we not work this out without such drastic consequences for her.

I replied, no, that I could not ever trust her again, and that for me, she was permanently gone no matter which option she chose. I also mentioned that she had in effect left me some months earlier and that I was simply belatedly recognizing a state of affairs that she had chosen on her own to put into effect.

I waited out front with a camera with a flash attachment for her date to arrive. He did, and I photographed him as he got out of the car, and photographed his license plate and the car several times, and went to get Maria and tell her that her date was here. This was her decision point as to the three options. She chose option one, and came out with a small suitcase. 

I said nothing to her, but mentioned to her date that he and I would have further business, but that I was in no hurry, it would occur at some appropriate time, and that indeed it would occur and that he should not look forward to it.

They left, and I immediately got on with the business of card cancelling, engaging security guards, engaging a locksmith at sky-high night rates, and finding out her boyfriend's name and address from a reverse directory service on the internet. Tomorrow I would arrange for the moving and storage of her possessions, the checking account and other details as to insurance and so on, and look into causing him some discomfort if he was married or in a relationship. Developing a plan for causing him some real pain could wait until later.

Once the locksmith had finished his work and left, I went to bed and slept well. A precariously teetering situation that had existed for some months was now made stable.

Was there still "an absence" when I awakened the next morning? Yes, but it was a better sort of absence. And so it goes. She had initiated new terms of our marriage and I had told her that these new terms were unacceptable to me, and as neither of us was ready to retreat from the position that each of us had taken, the marriage was no longer tenable.

As to whether she had already began sex outside the marriage before that confrontation, it is irrelevant.

An Absence of Trust



Chapter One: A Declaration of Intent: Howard

My name is Howard Wilson Carver. I am a senior accountant at Taft, Collridge and Woolwich, a long-established Boston accounting firm. I am fifty years old and I have risen about as far as I can in this firm. I specialize in business tax management and I am considered the in-house expert on the subject. I earn $85,000 per year, plus benefits. I am very fit for my age since I exercise regularly and maintain a common-sense dietary regimen. Oh yes, I am also the firm's only black in middle management. 

I know it's more fashionable to say African-American, but the fact is, I'm black, negro, colored, non-white, etc., etc. What makes me somewhat different is the fact that I'm married to a white woman. Edith Delaney Carver and I have been married some twenty-six years this May. I am uncertain if we will see twenty-seven, however.

Edith is what usually is called an impresario. She arranges and books plays and concerts for major venues in the Boston area. She is very successful and has been for a number of years. She is forty-eight years old and is also very fit and trim. In fact, she is one of the most attractive women on the Boston social scene. She is very camera-friendly, her picture appearing often in the society and entertainment pages of our local newspapers.

Edith and I discovered early on in our marriage that we could not have children. I was fine, but Edith apparently had a disorder that prevented impregnation. She took the news with stoicism, whereas I was quite upset. I wanted children and Edie said she did as well. We talked about adoption, but for one reason or another, the timing was never quite right. As the years passed, it was less and less on our minds.

When we were first married, I was the sole breadwinner. My modest salary provided us a small apartment in Needham. We struggled at the beginning, but in time my promotions and salary increases took the immediate pressure off, and we began to think toward our future.

When we learned that we would be unable to have a family, Edith, or Edie as I had come to call her, decided to find work. I couldn't blame her. Sitting at home all day doing housework and waiting for me seemed a pointless exercise for someone as bright as she. I encouraged her to find something she would enjoy, since we would not be dependent on her salary.

As luck would have it, she found work with a booking agency. The agency provided musicians, comedians, actors, dancers or whatever skill was required to clubs, advertising agencies, theatres, television studios and radio stations. It was a modest business, but Edie took to it like a duck to water. Within two years, she increased the bookings by a third and the innocuous little agency was suddenly becoming a factor in the Boston entertainment market. 

Naturally her employer, Aser Hirschfeld, was delighted with her performance. She was not only increasing their business, she was also working her way into the inner sanctum of the publicity world. She was highly visible, and as a consequence was noticed by both performers and potential clients.

By the time she was thirty-five, Edie was an established personality on the local entertainment scene. At that point, she had overtaken my income.

It was also at that moment where the relationship in our marriage changed between us. Edie had gained enormous self-confidence and had become the dominant person in our union. It was she who decided whom we would entertain. It was she who chose the restaurants where we would be seen, and it was she who decided we needed a more fashionable residence. 

Nothing less than a Back Bay address would do. It would stretch our finances to the limit, but Edie was insistent. Fortunately, her income kept rising with her success, and in the end we could manage the payments for the spacious, renovated townhouse she chose. 

I know it sounds like I had turned into a milquetoast, a man who simply let his wife control his life. But it happened so gradually, that I wasn't really aware of it for some time. By the time I recognized my role in our marriage, it was established and seemingly immoveable. 

They say success breeds success, and in Edie's case that was definitely true. She stayed with Aser's firm just long enough to establish her own clientele and then, with no discussion with anyone, set off on her own. It was handed to me just as it was handed to Aser, a fait accompli. At age thirty-seven she established her own agency and stole almost every valuable client she had captured for Aser Hirschfeld. 

I could hardly complain, I suppose. By now Edie's income was far surpassing mine and most of what we had in possessions and capital came from her earnings. I was a lesser light. Oh, we were still close. Our personal relationship was still fine. We made love regularly and she enjoyed the comfort of my presence when we were alone. It was that very comfort that masked what was happening to us.

Was I happy? For the most part, yes. Edie was in her element, and her success was shared with me. I went to work each day with little to worry about. I knew my job inside and out. In fact, I was becoming bored, and I didn't see any change on the horizon. I would continue along my well-trodden path and remain at TC&W. I could never accuse my employer of being the cause of stress in my life.

As Edie continued to soar, I noticed that I saw less of her. She was forever attending some opening, charity function, or gala event. I was invited quite often, but discovered that it was really Edie being polite. She and I both knew that her world was an alien environment for me. I would accompany her when a partner was required, but more often than not she was off, flitting about making contact, pressing the flesh, and getting her picture taken with one celebrity or another. I was a fifth wheel. 

As we entered our forties, Edie continued to grow on the Boston social scene. Her business had momentum and her income was quite astounding. I remember when we met with our tax accountant three years ago, that she was declaring over a half-million dollars in earnings. I nearly fell off my chair when I heard that. I had no idea. Edie seemed quite nonplussed as well. I don't think she really knew how much money she was making. Almost all of it was going into a money-market account at Fanny Mae. The rest was in her personal account. 

I think that meeting had a greater effect on us than I realized. Our marriage had evolved into something more hybrid than the conventional union. We made love, or at least had sex, once or twice a week. We were happy in each other's company when we were alone. But when we were in public, Edie seemed to prefer some distance between us. Was she embarrassed with me? Was it because she was the dominant, successful partner and I was the modestly successful accountant? Or was it because I was black, and she was white?

I'm not paranoid by nature, but as I saw how she reacted when we were out in public at social gatherings, I began to wonder. And there was something else, as well. Our only friends were my friends. I learned early on not to include them in parties in our home when Edie was inviting her "friends." Mine would be ignored and I would end up being uncomfortable for them. I mentioned it to Edie more than once, but she dismissed my concerns as imaginary.

So that brings us to today, my lovely, successful, svelte, vibrant wife and me, with our unusual, but seemingly workable marriage. I won't embarrass myself by describing myself as handsome, but I am not ugly. I possess a full head of graying hair, weigh only a few pounds more than I did in my twenties, and thanks to Edie's generosity I am exceedingly well dressed. Our sex life is still active and we profess love for each other regularly. I had no reason to be discomforted ... until.

"Howard, I want to talk to you," Edie said as we finished putting the dinner dishes in the dishwasher.

"Yes? What about?"

"This is awkward. Let's go into the living room and sit," she suggested, clearly uncomfortable.

This was unusual. I walked to the sofa and sat. Edie chose a single chair facing me.

"I ... I don't quite know how to begin," she stumbled. "You know I love you. We've been soul mates forever. I would never want to hurt you."

I sat, now rigid. Something was about to descend on me, and I was sure I wouldn't like it. I became conscious of holding my breath.

"I ... feel the need to do something to ... enhance my life," she continued, still very uncertain. "I have been feeling that there's something missing and I've been looking for ... it."

I took all my willpower not to interrupt. I had no idea what my face looked like, but I could feel the pressure rising.

"I've been thinking about ... about ... taking a lover," she finally said. 

She looked at me without turning away. She waited for my reaction. My mind was whirling out of control. I did everything I could to maintain my equilibrium. I remained silent. I would force her to tell all.

"Howard, you must understand. This has nothing to do with my love for you or anything about you as a lover. You have been wonderful all these years. It's just something that's been gnawing at me. You know I would never cheat on you. I couldn't. I just couldn't. That's why I wanted to talk to you about it ... tonight," she finished, wringing her hands.

I let out my breath. A long slow subdued whistling sound as I scrambled to gather my thoughts. I continued to say nothing. I didn't know how to begin. I didn't know how to react ... yet. I waited.

I could see the frustration in her face. I wasn't behaving the way she had expected.

I am blessed with a very deep, powerful voice. A quirk of genetics, I suppose. I've had a number of people tell me that I sound very much like James Earl Jones. I have had more than one woman tell me that they can "feel" my voice. Pleasant vibrations, I'm told. I am flattered. I'm also aware of just how I can use my voice to my advantage. Edie has seldom heard me do that. 

Finally, I spoke.

"No," I said quietly but firmly.

"What do you mean?" she asked, a look of surprise crossing her face.

"I said no," I repeated, still quiet and controlled.

"Howard, you can't just say no. This is important to me," she whined.

"Edith," I said in a calm but firm tone, "I will not tolerate infidelity. I have been faithful to you since we first met. When we took those vows in the church, I knew I would honor them for the rest of my life. I expect you to as well."

"But Howard," she tried again in a pleading tone.

"NO!" I said loudly. "Don't even bother carrying on this discussion. You know exactly where I stand. I will not change my mind. End of discussion," I said forcefully, a tinge of anger present. 

I rose and looked at her with distain mixed with disappointment before walking into my study. I closed the door behind me.

I flopped into my leather chair and put my head back. I was desperately trying to get myself under control. I was scrambling to come to terms with what this meant for our marriage. It wasn't good at the very least. At the worst, divorce.

I got up and opened my private cabinet and took out a snifter and my bottle of cognac. It had been weeks since I felt the need of strong drink, but this was certainly the occasion. I was breathing deeply, attempting to stabilize myself once more.

I tried to look back and remember if there had been any hint of this, but of course I could think of nothing at this point. My mind was too cluttered with the here and now to remember anything of importance, much less some subtlety that I may have overlooked. The best I could manage was reviewing the basics.

She wanted to take a lover. No matter what she said, she wanted to cuckold me and she wanted to do it with my permission. That would not happen. But it begged the question. Had she already cheated and now wanted my acceptance of something previously established? I didn't know. How could I find out? And what was this really about? Was it about a better man, or variety, or the need to feel young again? Or was she setting me up for something else? If so, what?

I was in a unique situation. If there was to be a divorce, I would be the beneficiary. Her earnings far surpassed mine, and I would be the aggrieved party. There would likely be substantial alimony from her to me. It didn't make sense. Why would she risk it? And her reputation? What would a messy divorce and ugly rumors do to that? It just didn't make sense.

As I sipped my brandy, I began to relax. Strangely, I wasn't as upset with her attempt at betrayal as I expected to be. Why? Was I anticipating it? I didn't think so. Had we grown apart and I didn't notice? Was it something to do with my lowly status compared to her celebrity? Was I dragging her down in her mind? I couldn't answer any of these questions.

I gradually became aware of a simmering anger building in me. She was treating me with contempt. She had assumed I would accept her proposal ... or at least ... would be willing to discuss it rationally. I doubt she expected my unequivocal rejection. It was, in retrospect, the right response. No! 

As I sat in my chair, I began to plan my reply beyond my outright refusal. This hadn't ended it, I was sure. She would be plotting another attempt, or at least a diversion. I wanted to be prepared. Edie had shaken my trust in her. It was almost as if she had already cheated and I had discovered it. What to do?

My first instinct was to hire a private detective to find out what she was up to. Unfortunately, I had no leads to point him in the right direction. Perhaps I was getting the cart before the horse. I needed to do some internal investigation first. If there was one thing I could count on it was that Edie would be out more than one night this week and I would have the house to myself for several hours. It would give me the opportunity to search for clues to her plan.

In the meantime, I needed a strategy to put her off balance. That was fairly easy. I would move my things into the guest bedroom. She would sleep by herself for the time being. That should unsettle her. 

It was early yet, not quite nine o'clock. I left my study and went to the hall closet to get my windbreaker. Edie was nowhere in sight. I left by the front door and went for a walk. I needed to clear my head, but more than that, I wanted to be out of the house. My anger was now mixed with sadness. The more I thought about it the more I wondered if this could be the beginning of the end of our marriage. A marriage I had thought was sound and fulfilling. I didn't want that, but ....

I wasn't really paying any attention to where I was walking, but at last I realized I was many blocks from our townhouse. I had calmed myself to the point that I could think about my circumstances and plan my actions. What I wasn't certain of was my behavior while Edie and I were together. I had some options. Freeze her out with a silent treatment? Act normally, or at least as normal as the situation would permit? Display a consistent anger? Perhaps even move out temporarily?

I gave some thought to what might be the best strategy. The more I thought about it the more I was convinced I wanted to learn more. I wanted Edie to open up and tell me what she was thinking. I wanted to know as much as I could about her expectations of me. I was sure it was the best way to get to the bottom of this whole episode. I would not simply accept the status quo. I would not allow her to use me. I would not ever knowingly become her cuckold. 

Chapter 2: Gross Miscalculation: Edith

I have made a horrible mistake. I don't know what made me think I could convince Howard to accept my taking a lover. But even so, I never expected him to simply shut me down. There was no compromise in his tone. It was delivered with such force that it caught me completely by surprise. 

I am unused to failure. I haven't experienced it very often and this came as a shock. I thought I was so well prepared. I was sure Howard would see that this was important to me and that he wouldn't deny me my need. He's never denied me anything I really wanted before. Why did he react so dramatically this time?

I had to rethink my situation. I love Howard. I know I do. But I need some excitement in my life. I'm nearly fifty and I need this. I need someone to help me feel alive and desirable. God knows, Howard is a wonderful lover. He fills me so completely and he is so thoughtful with me. I couldn't ask for a more considerate husband. But ... I need more.

I've really made a mess of this. I've alerted him to my intention. I've stupidly caused him to doubt me. There is no way I can indulge myself if he is watching me closely. Why did I have to warn him? What kind of fool am I? I've just made it that much more difficult to have an affair. 

I've already made up my mind. I'm going to do this. I've just had a bad start. A poorly chosen strategy. I have to step back and rethink what to do. 

As I wandered through the house, I noticed the door to his study was open and he was no longer there. I tried the living room and then the kitchen, but he was nowhere to be found. I looked in the hall closet and noticed his windbreaker was missing. He had left. Where had he gone? Would he be back tonight? I could feel the fear in my stomach. This was turning into a nightmare. 

I poured myself and strong gin and tonic and continued to pace through the house. Howard didn't have a cell phone, so there was no way to call him. Would he answer even if he could? I need a way out of this mess. I have to make him forget about my stupid outburst. Repairing the damage was going to be a long, slow process. It was essential that I make it right with him.

I looked at the clock for the hundredth time. It was 10:30 pm and still no sign of Howard. It was dark outside and I had no idea where he was. We didn't own a car, so he was either on foot or had called a cab. I couldn't ever recall him just walking out like this without saying something. He could have been mugged ... or worse.

I walked into his study and saw the brandy snifter on his desk. It was almost empty, with just a small amount of the amber liquid in the bottom of the glass. He had poured himself at least one drink before he left. I took another swallow of my drink, noticing it was almost gone. I was not handling this very well. In truth, I was a basket case.

It was well after eleven when I heard the front door open. I rushed into the living room to make sure it was him. He avoided my eyes as he removed his jacket and hung it up.

"Howard, where have you been? I've been so worried."

"I went for a walk. I needed some time to think," he answered simply. He didn't sound angry or distressed.

"I'm sorry, Howard. I didn't mean to upset you. I would never hurt you, you know that. I don't know what made me think that I could ... I mean ...." I was unable to continue. Nothing I would say would make it right or take it back. I desperately needed Howard to talk to me. Please give me something to respond to.

"I'll move my things to the guest room. I'll be sleeping there for now," he announced.

"No ... no Howard, please. Please don't leave me. Talk to me ... please." I knew I was begging, but I had to.

He turned to me and his eyes were cold, his expression calm. 

"I'm in no mood to share a bed with you, nor am I prepared to talk to you right now. We will discuss our future tomorrow ... at the earliest." He said it so forcefully in that deep, resonant voice, leaving no room for argument. 

I felt so helpless. I had set this dog loose and now I had to find a way to put it back in the pen.

"Talk to me, Howard. Please, don't shut me out."

"I said I would talk to you when I was ready ... not before." 





An Absence of Trust



I saw anger on his face for the first time. I had pushed too hard. I would have to be patient until he was ready. I could think of nothing else to do. I turned and walked slowly up the stairs to our bedroom. I would be alone tonight and I doubted I would sleep very much. 

I don't know when I finally fell asleep, but when I awoke I felt groggy and listless. I eventually pushed myself out of bed and put on my robe, heading down to the kitchen. As I passed the guest room, the door was open and I hesitated when I saw the bed was made. 

When I arrived in the kitchen, Howard was nowhere to be found. He had already left for work. His breakfast dishes rested in the sink and the coffee maker sat quietly with only one cup missing from the pot. I retrieved a mug and poured my first cup of what I expected would be several that day. 

I checked my office messages and then left a message for my secretary that I wouldn't be in that afternoon. I remembered I had an opening night to attend in the evening. It was the last thing I wanted to do, especially if Howard was prepared to talk to me. However, I was committed to it and I would just have to apologize to Howard. I was going to be doing a lot of that in the coming weeks and months I realized.

Chapter 3: A Strategy for Recovery: Howard

I arose early to avoid seeing Edie this morning. I wanted my day free to contemplate my next move. I noticed Edie had an event scheduled this evening and I smiled. It would give me time to prepare. It would delay my having to talk to her for another day and give me the opportunity to begin my search for evidence of any misbehavior. I would have to hope that as usual, only a major catastrophe would keep her from attending whatever function she had planned.

Perhaps it was my long walk last evening or perhaps because I had begun to map out my future, I slept well. I awoke refreshed and surprisingly confident. I had a rough plan of action and I had a sense of direction.

Yes, I will no longer be Howard Carver, obliging husband, and as some might think, eunuch. It's a role that I intended to correct. I think Edie is in for a big surprise when she learns she has a different husband than she thought she had. No longer a pushover. I will use my voice to make myself clearly understood. I will dominate from now on. It will be part of my new persona. 

I made myself busy for the balance of the day, asking my secretary not to put any calls through to me from outside unless they were urgent. As I expected, shortly before three that afternoon Edie had called and left a message that she would be attending a live theatre opening and wouldn't be home for dinner. She apologized profusely and promised that we could talk tomorrow.

I left early that afternoon, arriving home an hour sooner than normal. As usual, I was left to prepare my own meal from whatever I could find in the refrigerator and pantry. I chose a soup and sandwich combination with a glass of red wine. Simple, quick and easy to clean up afterwards. I wanted to get started on my search.

I began with Edie's computer. She was not an expert user and I knew from previous experience that she kept her calendar and her e-mail correspondence on Outlook, just as I did. I was surprised when I found she had password protected access to the operating system. I had no idea she knew how to do that, but nonetheless, some form of security was in place. I wondered why.

I tried a number of obvious possible passwords without luck. I knew she had only a rudimentary understanding of computers and I suspected any password would be simple or memorable. After giving up trying the obvious possibilities, I sat back to think. As I stared at the screen, I realized the monitor was sitting on a desk pad. I lifted the front edge of the pad and found a small post-it note with four alpha-numeric eight digit codes. I tried the last one and the computer obligingly let me in.

I opened her mail box and found nothing in the inbox. She had created a number of files, all of them seemingly related to her business. I began to systematically go through each one to see if I could find anything of interest. It was a tedious business, but I stuck with it. At length, I opened a file marked Ginny and found a series of e-mails addressed to someone named Ginny. 

I began to read them, as this was a completely different type of correspondence than any of the other files. It almost looked like a journal. She was sharing her experiences, opinions and her hopes with what I presumed was another woman. As I read, I was surprised at how frank she was in these messages. She was talking about her life and me and her social and business contacts. 

I read five of the messages to begin with before pausing. I thought about what they contained. She was expressing a longing for some stimulation in her life. She professed her love for me, but she was hoping that something exciting might come along to shake her world. That something was undefined until last night when she revealed just what she had in mind.

I continued to read the "Ginny" messages. It was almost like listening to someone in therapy. Unasked questions were answered as if the therapist was with her at the time. When I examined the file in more detail, I noticed that there were no incoming messages from anyone. Only the outgoing messages from Edie to Ginny. Did she delete her incoming? I checked the deleted message file but found nothing. I was getting no useful information except that she was sharing her innermost feelings with someone other than me.

I systematically read the messages in the file for well over an hour until I came across one that stopped me cold. It was tagged "Family" and I couldn't believe what I was reading. In it, Edie confessed to deliberately avoiding getting pregnant early on in our marriage. She wanted no children. She contrived to have me believe that it was a physical problem when all the while she was using birth control. After her career was established, she had her tubes tied to avoid any accidents.

Her reasoning was simple. She didn't want to raise children and have them cramp her social life. After she went back to work, it became an obsession with her. She only barely acknowledged my disappointment. Was she afraid or unwilling to raise mixed race children? I wondered if that was a factor. She hid her treachery well. I never knew until that very moment. 

I was angry. This was a long-standing deceit. This could be the one act that would doom our marriage. We had talked about children before we were married and even during the early days. We even laughed about what they might look like. We made jokes about "half and half." There was nothing funny about it any more.

As I thought about what she had done, I began to reflect back on my thoughts of the previous night. I had to admit I knew Edie was selfish. She did those things which satisfied or entertained her, paying only lip-service to the needs of others, including me. Since I acquiesced so readily, she was seldom denied anything. I now knew the extent of my error in judgement. While I was being permissive, Edie was unchallenged. She saw no reason to alter her self-centered lifestyle. That was going to change. 

Dealing with the new me was going to be quite a shock to my wife. It would be fascinating to see how she handled it ... assuming she could. I was at the stage where I didn't care. She had conspired to cheat me of a family and for that, I would not forgive her. It only remained now for me to determine if she had already been unfaithful.

I continued on through the file but found no further shocking revelations. Whoever Ginny was, she had a comprehensive knowledge of our personal life. Edie had talked about our sex life. She seemed completely satisfied with it and my performance. There was no hint that I was not treating her with love and respect. It made her declaration last evening even more incomprehensible. 

I quickly checked the remaining folders in her mail and found nothing of interest. It was all business related. I closed it and logged off, turning off the computer. I sat back and wondered what next. I glanced at the clock and saw it was past ten and decided that was enough for one night. Ten minutes later I was in the guest room bed and asleep almost immediately. I did not hear Edie come home.

I awoke early again, but my sleep had not been sound. I had drifted off, was then awakened by some violent dream I couldn't remember. I would drift again, then find myself snapped awake, my mind racing to cope with the thoughts that cluttered it. 

As I had the day before, I left for work before Edie got up. It was unusual for us not to have some contact during the day, but yesterday was one such day. Today, we would both be home and I expected we would have our talk tonight. I was better prepared with each passing hour and now it was a matter of just what I would reveal to her. I knew for a certainty that I would take charge and direct the conversation. Her days of controlling the agenda were done.

Chapter 4: The Day of Reckoning: Edith

Another night with little sleep. I was exhausted when I arrived home from the theatre opening last night. I should have slept soundly, but the confusion rolling around in my head was preventing that. Two nights of little sleep would not help me cope with what was to come. Perhaps I could nap sometime during the day before Howard got home.

I wasn't very effective last night at the opening. I wasn't concentrating very well. I met all the people I planned to meet, but I couldn't seem to get any meaningful conversations started. Perhaps some rest before my talk with Howard would help settle my mind.

As I lay in bed that morning, I thought about what I must do. I must convince Howard that I have given up any idea of an affair. I must make him believe that I am his exclusively and that my request the other night was nothing more than the ravings of a menopausal woman. Surely he could believe that was possible. I had stopped taking hormone replacement therapy after the health scares. Perhaps I could blame it on that.

I told Ginny about my confrontation with Howard. She scolded me for being so careless. She knew of my desire to take a lover. She does not approve. She warned me that Howard would never accept it. She can't understand why I would want to cheat on him. She sees him as the perfect husband. She's right of course. He is perfect. Too perfect. 

Why am I so hell-bent on self-destruction? Why do I think I can have my wonderful husband and another man on the side? I don't understand myself. It's not like I haven't had the experience of other men before Howard and I met. I know the difference. I know how much better Howard is than other men. What is driving me to the edge of this cliff?

Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I do need psychiatric help. Maybe it does have to do with menopause. Too many questions. Too much confusion. I won't solve these questions lying in bed. It was time to get up and shower. Eat something. Think about what I want to say tonight. Be prepared. Don't let Howard get the upper hand again.

I made it through the day. I lay down after lunch and slept for almost two hours. I felt better for it. But I could feel my nervousness just below the surface. I wasn't calm at all. It was going to make my conversation with my husband that much more difficult this evening if I couldn't get a grip on my emotions and steady myself. By five-thirty I decided to make myself a strong gin and tonic to help my nerves. 

Howard arrived at his usual time, just before six. I was waiting for him in the kitchen. I had prepared one of his favorite meals. I wanted him in the best possible mood. I was still unsettled, despite the drink. I would have another when Howard had his usual glass of wine. I could hear his footsteps in the hall.

"Hello, Howard." I'm sure I sounded as tentative as I felt.

"Edith." He was using my formal name. He hadn't called me Edie since that conversation. At least he acknowledged me.

"Dinner will be ready in a few minutes. Why don't you freshen up and have a glass of wine while you're waiting." 

Nothing out of the ordinary about my suggestion. He nodded and headed upstairs to the bedroom. I made myself another stiff G & T while I waited for his return. 

He returned in a few minutes and poured himself his usual Cabernet.

"How was your day?" he asked.

"Uh ... fine. Nothing unusual. Fine." I wasn't very confident and I'm sure he could sense that.

He nodded. There was a deafening silence. I wanted to break it. To say something. At least to make a noise. 

"I'm sorry I didn't see you yesterday," I finally managed. "I know you wanted to talk."

"We'll talk after dinner," he said calmly. Calmly! He was calm. There wasn't any sign of discomfort or nerves. Unlike me. I was sure he could read my scrambled emotions.

I busied myself with getting the plates and utensils ready. I needed something to do with my hands. I checked the oven at least twice, trying to make the timer go off sooner. The seconds seemed like minutes and the minutes like hours. Finally, the bell rang and I almost leaped at the oven door. 

We ate our meal almost in silence. I made a couple of comments about the opening last night and Howard nodded politely. He said something about arranging a meeting with the Vice President later next week, but I didn't really catch what it was about. I couldn't seem to concentrate. His outward calm was maddening. How could he be so cool when I was in such turmoil?

Finally our meal was done and we cleared the table and put the dishes into the dishwasher. It only took a couple of minutes to wash and dry the items that didn't belong in the machine and we were finished. As always, Howard helped.

When everything was done, I waited for Howard to say something. I knew he recognized I was going to let him take the lead. I just wanted to get this over with.

"Let's go in the living room," he said at last. "I'm going to pour myself a brandy before we talk. Would you like something?" 

"Yes ... I think I'll have a G & T," I said, moving quickly to get a glass and the bottles.

He disappeared into his study for a minute and returned with a snifter and sat where he had two nights previously. I returned from the kitchen and sat in the chair opposite, just as I had as well. It was about to begin and I was anxious about what would happen in the next few minutes.

Chapter 5: The Declaration: Howard

I willed myself to be calm and collected. I could see just how unsettling my behavior was to Edie and I wanted to maintain that edge. I would continue to call her by her formal name. There would be no endearments tonight.

"Edith, I want you to listen very carefully to what I have to say. This will not be a two-way discussion. I will tell you what I want to tell you and you will listen. If you cannot, then there is no need for us to discuss anything. I will give you every chance to speak, but not tonight. Do I make myself clear?"

Her eyes had widened. This, once again, wasn't what she expected. She nodded her understanding.

"Well then. Let me first tell you the consequences of your ... admission on Monday evening. The first and foremost is my deep disappointment in your lack of respect for me."

I saw her head jerk up and she was about to say something when I held up my hand. She stopped, the breath coming out of her at the same time.

"I don't know how I would ever have given you the idea that I would sit still while you made a cuckold of me. If you think my years of submitting myself to your whims turned me into a spineless wimp, you have another think coming.

"I want to repeat what I said then. I will not tolerate any infidelity on your part. If you choose to ignore my warning, I will divorce you and I can tell you as a certainty that there will be no reconciliation. Do I make myself completely understood?" 

I had spoken very forcefully, using the full effect of my voice to underscore my determination.

"Yes, I understand. But ...."

I held up my hand once again to remind her of my intention to deliver rather than to receive.

"You have badly damaged our relationship. You have undermined the foundations of our marriage and cast doubt upon your fidelity. You have destroyed the one thing on which good marriages are founded: trust. You have brought doubt into my mind. Doubt I never had before. I am not sure our marriage will survive that."

I saw her suck in her breath and her eyes go wide. I had hit her hard with that. I had sown the seeds of uncertainty in her mind as well. Uncertainty about her future with me.

"I have had some time to think about what I will do, now that you have created this situation. You profess to love me and until this past Monday, I had every reason to believe you. Now ... I'm not so sure."

Again she rose in her chair as if to say something ... to contest my misgivings. This time I just stared at her silently and she slumped back into the chair, saying nothing.

"You tell me you would never hurt me, and yet you would humiliate me by giving yourself to another man. I can't imagine how you would think I would not feel pain from that. I wonder, after all these years, if you really know me? You certainly have me wondering if I know you.

"I blame myself for not being more assertive in our marriage. I allowed your success and your social contacts to deprecate my role. In retrospect, that was a mistake. I am not now, nor will I ever be your footboy. I am an equal in this marriage and I will accept nothing less.

"I have come to realize, Edith, that you are selfish. You think of yourself first to the exclusion of all others, including me. Are the people you associate with really friends? Can you count on them when you truly need them?

I want you to think about our old true friends, Edith. Where are they? Do you ever think of them? I know the answer of course. I have maintained contact with most of them. I am welcome in their homes. Have you wondered why we don't entertain them any more? Is it because they serve no useful purpose for you?"

I let that shot be absorbed before continuing. I could see the bewildered and hurt look on her face as I continued this unrelenting attack.

"If this marriage is to continue ... and I do mean if ... there will have to be changes in your attitude. 

"I will resume attending your social functions and I will be treated as your husband and not as an afterthought. If you cannot bring yourself to do that simple thing, then there is no need for us to continue. 

This time she didn't respond. I wondered if I might have gone overboard with my demands. If so, so be it. 

"We will resume inviting our true friends to our home and you will treat them as friends. You need to reestablish your links to these people. They were with us long before you swam in the limelight of your success. Have you ever wondered where I was while you were off at your galas and dinner parties? More often than not, I was spending some very pleasant hours with those people. 

"And here's something else for you to think about. It wasn't long before they stopped asking about you."

"I understand you have another social engagement tomorrow night. I will not be attending it with you as I have a prior engagement myself. However, if we chose to continue as a couple, I will make sure I am available in the future.

"In the meantime, I want you to think about what I have said this evening. I don't want answers or excuses tonight. I want you to give my next questions your full attention and we will discuss them Friday evening.

"First, do you want this marriage to continue? If so, will you repudiate any intention to become involved with any other man? If not, say so. I will contact my lawyer and instruct him to begin divorce proceedings immediately. It is not negotiable.




An Absence of Trust



"Second, I want you to understand that my role in this household will change ... dramatically. I think you can guess that I will no longer be the simple, obliging husband. 

"Finally, you are going to learn to be honest with me. You have not been in the past and I want to know why. We will be having many frank discussions about us and what it will take to restore my confidence and trust in you. It will not be pleasant in some cases. Again, it's up to you. If you cannot be honest with me, then we have no basis for continuing our marriage."

I sat back, mentally and physically exhausted. It felt like hand-to-hand combat, but I was sure Edith had suffered far more blows than I had. 

"I'm going out for a walk to calm down and clear my head. Don't wait up for me. I will continue to sleep in the guest room for now. Perhaps after Friday, we can discuss other arrangements.

"Am I giving you enough time to respond?" I asked quietly, trying to bring the tenor of the meeting down.

"Yes ... I ... I think so. I'll let you know if there's anything ...."

Her voice trailed off. She was exhausted as well. Beaten verbally and mentally. I had been very hard on her, just as I intended. I wanted her to experience the pain I was feeling and I wanted her to understand just what kind of changes she could expect. It was never my intention to be gentle ... only civil.

Chapter 6: The Aftermath: Edith

I was stunned into silence. I have completely underestimated Howard. He has laid down an ultimatum and I was given no opportunity to respond. He would not permit it. I have never seen him like this before. Never! He has challenged me to defend my actions and choose between his demands and divorce. There is no middle ground. I can't see any road to compromise. 

I heard the door close as he left for his walk. I got up and moved to the kitchen, making myself another gin and tonic. It was unusual for me to have this many drinks, but tonight was the exception. I needed to calm down and make some sense of what was happening to me. I have lost every ounce of control I once enjoyed. Howard had taken it from me as if I had no power to stop him.

And his questions. Of course I wanted to remain married to him. I had little option but to assure him there would be no infidelity. He had burned that out of my mind in a few moments. I had choices to make. They seemed simple right now, but I had two days to think about them.

What did he mean by my being honest with him? I've always been honest with him. This whole mess is because I wanted to be honest with him. How could he doubt that?

But there was something else. He never once said that he loved me. He never once even mentioned his feelings toward me, except for his anger and disappointment. Had I killed what we had together? I don't know if I could handle that. I love him. I know I do. I have wounded him, and like any wounded animal he's fighting back. But will he fight for us?

I felt sick to my stomach. I put down my drink, knowing it wouldn't help. Two days. Two days to find a way to salvage almost thirty years of loving and knowing Howard. Almost twenty seven years married. There had to be a way to make him love me again. But how? 

I was exhausted again. Lack of sleep, tension and this ... this attack. I couldn't think straight. Go to bed, Edie. Call Ginny and arrange to meet with her. Maybe she'll have some ideas. God knows I don't. Then go to bed. 

Chapter 7: The Aftermath: Howard

The air was warm and there was still some light in the sky as I stepped out of our home. I could feel the fresh breeze off the river as I walked toward the Common. I was breathing more normally now. The worst was over, I thought. I had said everything I wanted to say. I had held back everything I didn't want to say. I dangled hope in front of her, but with little room for negotiation. 

There was nothing pleasant or elevating about what I had just done. I had pummeled her with my words as surely as if I had used my fists. I could see the effect of my blows. After a while, she had simply absorbed them as I delivered. There was no sign of fight on her part.

I should have felt better. I should have felt relieved, possibly even elated. I didn't. I did what I thought was necessary to shock my wife into thinking about us. Our marriage. Our relationship. Our future. I left her no way out. On Friday, I would probably know if we had any future. 

I thought about who I was and what I wanted. Did I want this marriage to continue? Did I love Edie? I deliberately avoided telling her I loved her. I wasn't sure myself and so it was better not to mislead her if I had lost that love. How would I know? I once read that the test for love was to imagine your life without your partner. Divorce, death, whatever reason ... how would I carry on?

Could I get past her deceit those many years ago and forgive her? At first I didn't think so. But now ... now I'm not so certain. She couldn't take it back. She couldn't make it right at this late date. Could I live with that as well? She had to admit to her sin before I could decide. She had to acknowledge that she had inflicted another deep wound in me.

And what about this act I had performed. The new, dominant Howard Carver. It was an act. I knew that. Could I sustain it? I doubted it. Perhaps in some less aggressive and challenging form. Someone I could actually become without disliking myself. I knew I would never be able to return to the softer, weaker person I had been. Edie would never respect me if I did and I would likely find her seeking another man once again. What would it take to create that excitement that she craved?

Nothing had changed from yesterday. I still needed to know more about her. There were still secrets, I expected. Where were they hidden? What did I know about my wife? Had she cheated on me? Did I want to know? I wonder if she had any idea of how she had undermined my belief in her. 

It was dark now and I turned back toward our home. I had calmed myself from the confrontation of earlier. So many questions and so few answers. The turmoil remained. I had solved nothing tonight. I had challenged Edie to decide our future. I occurred to me that I was leaving my fate in her hands. Ironic! I had gained control, but Edie would decide. How ironic. 

Chapter 8: Ginny's Advice: Edith

I finally had a decent night's sleep. I wondered why when I had so much confusion and chaos going on inside my head. I crawled out of bed and made for the ensuite. The shower brought me to a more lucid state. I had called Ginny last night before I went to bed. She agreed to meet me for lunch at our favorite little bistro. Thank god for Ginny.

I was greeted at the door by Nick, the head waiter.

"Ms. Maarden is expecting you, Mrs. Carver." He led me to the far corner to a table we knew would be private and quieter.

"Thank you, Nick. Hello, Ginny. Thank you for coming." I was genuinely relieved to see her. I desperately needed her guidance.

"You know I wouldn't say no to you, Edie," she smiled. 

Ginny was so solid, so grounded. We've been friends for ages, over ten years. Howard was wrong. I do have a real friend. Virginia Maarden is the best friend I've ever had. I can tell her anything in confidence. She knows all my secrets. All of them.

"I had my talk with Howard last night ... or should I say ... he talked and I listened. He didn't want me to say anything. He said he'd give me my chance on Friday. Oh, Ginny, he was so cold, so ... mean. I've never seen him like this. He's a completely different person from before. I don't know him at all."

"Tell me everything," Ginny said calmly.

I told her everything I could remember. I told her of his three final demands. By the time I was finished, I was almost in tears. 

Ginny reached over and patted my hands. "Calm down, Edie. Calm down. Let's talk about tomorrow night," she said. She was so unruffled and composed.

"What are you going to tell him?"

"I'm ... I'm going to tell him I love him. I'm going to tell him I don't want a divorce and I will never betray him. I'll tell him it was all a bad dream and that I don't know what made me think I could hurt him like that."

"What else?"

"Oh ... he says he wants to be with me when I'm out at these functions. I don't know why, exactly. He says he wants to be treated like an equal. He used to hate my parties. I don't know what to think. I'll do it, of course. I just don't know what he expects."

"And?"

"I'm happy to have him be more ... forceful. I want him to be my partner in everything. I'll tell him I welcome his becoming more ... assertive with me."

"Anything else?"

"I don't know what to tell him about his comment about my honesty. After all, I told him what I was thinking before I did anything. Isn't that a sign of honesty? I don't know what he's referring to."

"Don't you? Think hard, Edie. Isn't there something that you most fear telling him?" Ginny was looking at me with her most penetrating gaze.

I couldn't understand what she was getting at until ... until. "Oh my god. I can't tell him that. It will kill him. It will end our marriage right then. I can never tell him." I had moved to panic mode.

"What if he already knows?"

"He can't. You're the only other person that knows. You wouldn't tell him. How could he know?"

"I don't know. But it's a dangerous game you're playing. He didn't bring that subject up because he thought it might be interesting. He has something on his mind. From your description of last night, he was very specific and very prepared. He must have a reason for making it one of the 'big three.'" 

"Maybe he thinks I'm already having an affair."

"Maybe. Can you take the chance?"

"I don't think I can bring myself to tell him. It would destroy us. Then I'd have nothing."

"You've really messed this up, haven't you girl?" There was no hint of humor in Ginny's eyes. 

I nodded. She was right. This was entirely my fault.

"What am I going to do? I can't lose him. I just can't."

Ginny sat back for a few moments, sipping her coffee and thinking.

"Well, keep in mind this advice is free and you know what they say about advice being worth what you pay for it." Again there was no intimation of a smile.

"Putting myself in your place ... I'd tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I wouldn't hold anything back. You can't slip up if you do that.

"Second, I would seek professional help to try and understand why you thought you needed to have an affair. I've had some experience with a psychiatrist when Nels left me. They don't have all the answers, but they sure make you look at all the questions.

"Third, I would suggest both of you seek marriage counseling. You're going to need it no matter how that conversation goes tomorrow. That is, if you're still together.

"Finally, it would appear that Howard has had enough of being in the background. I think he deserves to be an equal partner in your marriage, despite the fact that you earn far more than he does. I don't think your income counts, unless he feels emasculated by it. Howard is a remarkable man. He needs to be treated like one."

I sat listening to Ginny, concentrating on every word. She hadn't pulled any punches, and that's the way I wanted it. There was only one big stumbling block. Telling Howard about my deception early on in our marriage to avoid getting pregnant. It was my greatest fear. I was sure Howard would react violently to any admission on my part. I was sure our marriage would be over right then.

"Ginny ... last night ... he never once said he loved me. Not once! Maybe it's too late. He talked like there might be a future ... but ... a future without love? I don't think I could live with that. Better that he gets rid of me." I was depressed. With every turn I saw disaster. I didn't know how I could save my marriage. 

"Don't give up, Edie. I think he still loves you, but ask him. It's at the core of whatever happens to you both. If he didn't love you, why would he go to all this trouble? He would just leave. Why would he challenge you the way he has if he didn't want to salvage something from this mess? He's scrambling too. He's not as sure of himself as he sounds. He's waiting for a sign from you that you want to restore your relationship to something he can accept and enjoy. You have to give him that chance." 

"I don't understand. I want him to give me a chance. I don't hear anything in his voice that sounds uncertain." I was having a hard time believing what Ginny was telling me.

"People don't change overnight, Edie. Howard isn't an ogre. He's hurt and he's angry and he's trying to regain some dignity and control over something that has shocked him to the core. He's putting on a brave face, but I'm guessing he isn't as confident as he sounds. He's trying to force you to admit your mistake. You've woken him up by poking him with a sharp stick. He's reacting. He's just as uncertain about what will happen as you are."

"You sound pretty sure of yourself." I was still having difficulty accepting her premise.

"I'm not sure. I wasn't there with you when all this happened. I've been trying to listen to what you've told me and make some sense of it. Remember, I've only ever met Howard once, briefly. He hardly knows I exist, doesn't he?"

"I don't know. I don't think so. I don't know. Right now Ginny, I don't know anything for certain." I was on the edge of tears again.

We stopped for a while to order our lunch. Ginny doesn't drink and I was happy with just an iced tea. I needed a breather from the intensity of our conversation. It was getting too complicated. I needed to make it simple so that I could deal with it tomorrow. I had to go back to the basics. What did I want and what did Howard want? Keep it simple. The only real fear would be to tell him of my unwillingness to have children. 

"He said I am selfish. He's right. I've been selfish for a long time. That's not a very good foundation for a marriage, is it?" I think I was talking as much to myself as I was to Ginny. I looked at my salad and realized that I was just picking at it. My appetite was almost zero. It matched perfectly my mood.

"Cheer up, Edie. I know this is hard and I know you're beating yourself up over what you've done. But, what's done is done. Now it's time to decide what's important. What do you want to accomplish tomorrow. You have one very good opportunity to salvage your marriage. A lot of women never get that. 

"You will have a captive audience. The stage is yours. Now it's all a matter of presentation. When you know what you want to say. When you know how you want to answer his questions. When you know what you want to do to make things right between you two. Then you just do it!"

I sighed and sat back in my chair. Ginny was right. It was a matter of being prepared. I could do it with famous people and never think twice about it. I had to use that same preparation for Howard. It was a matter of having the courage to do and do it properly. I was beginning to feel a bit better. I looked at Ginny and nodded. She was right.

Chapter 9: Second Thoughts: Howard

I didn't accomplish very much at work. Friday is seldom a high intensity day, but this Friday was particularly quiet. It gave me time to think about Edie and tonight. When I woke up this morning, my mind was set. I knew what I would do. Now ... too much time for having second thoughts. Was I too hard on her? Was I pushing her beyond her ability to cope? She looked terrified at times. As if she thought I was going to snap and do something violent. Perhaps my act had been too ... dramatic.

What did I want from all this? What was I hoping to accomplish? I kept asking myself this over and over again. I still loved her. I knew that now. I knew it because I couldn't get her out of my mind. If I didn't, I wouldn't be obsessing about her. I wouldn't be angry. I wouldn't be uncertain about our future.

I knew what the trouble was. Her secret. The one she dared not tell me. Denying us our children. I still hadn't come to terms with how I felt about that. Was I angry? Yes! Could I forgive her? I didn't know. Could she bring herself to tell me? I didn't know that either. Would that be the determining factor in whether we stayed together or not? Another thing I didn't know. One moment I was sure and the next, I was riddled with doubt.

Thirty years, counting our dating. Almost two thirds of our lives had been spent with each other. So much invested in ourselves. I tried to imagine what my life would be like without her. I couldn't manage to form a picture. It would be lonely of course. 

When you've been with someone that long, you don't have long conversations about your life together. It's all imprinted on your psyche ... your being. Words aren't always necessary. Sometimes a touch, or a smile, or just a gesture. The comfort of lying in bed with her nearby, even when you aren't touching. The scent, the warmth. All the intangibles. Thirty years. 

I didn't know what to expect this evening. In a way, I was dreading it. I had promised her I would let her have her say. I would give her the courtesy of listening without comment unless she asked for it. I owed her that much. But what then? That part of my plan was unformed. What then?

Chapter 10: Confession: Edith

Howard was early this evening. He was home just after five. I didn't know whether to be worried or not. I was a bundle of nerves to begin with. This unexpected change in habit was just another thing to unsettle me. But it didn't take long to see that something else was different.

"You're home early."

"Yes. It was quiet today and I was able to get away at just past four. A head start on the weekend." He smiled at me when he said that. It was the first smile I'd seen from him since ... since Monday.

"Would you care for a drink? The usual?" He seemed relaxed and almost ... normal.

"Yes ... thank you." He made my usual G & T but didn't pour himself a glass of wine.

"I'm going to change." Again, he smiled as he turned and headed upstairs. 

He was back in less than five minutes. He was wearing his new golf-style shirt, his jeans and his moccasin slippers. He looked completely different. And he was smiling.

"You look very relaxed, Howard." I wondered if he was trying to tell me something.

He poured his glass of wine and turned back to me. 

"It's been a very stressful week for me. For both of us. I'd like to turn things down a notch. I don't want to put any more pressure on you. I've been hard on you I know. But ... well ... let's enjoy dinner and we can talk afterwards."

I nodded. "Thank you. I'm a bundle of nerves. I'm so ... upset about what's happened. I'm so unsure of myself and what I want to say."

"Just be yourself. Tell me what you want to tell me. Be honest, Edie. Be honest with me and most of all ... be honest with yourself."

He called me Edie again. He hadn't called me that all week. Maybe ... maybe things were going to be alright. But there it was again ... the honesty question. The one question I hadn't decided how to handle.

I'd made another of his favorite meals and he acknowledged it. We had some conversation during our dinner and it helped me get a grip on my nerves. I wasn't looking forward to what was to come. In fact, I dreaded it. My conversation with Ginny had helped, but I still couldn't imagine how this was all going to turn out.

I didn't have a second drink. I don't think I could have held it down. I needed all my wits about me. Alcohol was only false courage. Ginny taught me that. She was an alcoholic. A recovering alcoholic. It had cost her her marriage and her relationship with her children. It had been a very high price to pay. I met her not long after she joined AA. I admired her courage. She blamed no one but herself and knew it was a sickness. She dealt with it.




An Absence of Trust



I had no such excuse for my behavior. I was selfish. It all boiled down to that. It was always about what I wanted. I had been blind to it just as Ginny had been blind to her alcoholism. Howard's harsh words had jolted me and forced me to admit to my self-centered behavior. But I could change. I knew I could change. It wouldn't even be hard. I'd just have to be more thoughtful of others. I could do that. I would do that.

When we finished the dishes, we walked to the living room and sat where we had sat on Wednesday evening. It was my turn. How to begin? I took a deep breath.

"Howard ... I want first to apologize. I want to apologize for hurting you and for being so stupid as to think you would accept my ... intended behavior. I don't know what I was thinking, but it wasn't rational. Worse than that, I don't know what brought it on. It certainly wasn't you. I have never for a moment thought you were less than a superb lover and a deeply caring man.

"Perhaps I took that for granted after all these years. Perhaps I had become so used to your love and support that I didn't value it the way I should have. I don't know, but I need to find out.

"You were wrong about my not having a real friend. I do have one. Virginia Maarden. Ginny is my closest friend ... after you of course. She is my confidant. Someone I can talk to without fear of it being passed along as gossip. Someone who has been through the wars and can be honest with me. I value her advice. I should have listened to it.

"She told me I was crazy to even think of having an affair. She told me that you were the perfect husband and I should value that above anything else. She told me that if ... when you found out ... I wouldn't be able to control the consequences. She was right of course.

"In my own confused mind I thought that if I told you what I wanted to do, you would understand somehow. I didn't want to go behind your back. I didn't want to deceive you. I never for a moment wanted to humiliate or belittle you. It just never entered my mind. But I did, didn't I. I did humiliate and belittle you. Just telling you what I wanted was enough, wasn't it."

I looked at Howard carefully. I don't know what kind of reaction I expected, but he remained calm and composed. I pushed on. 

"I don't know how to tell you how ashamed I am of what I have done to you and how sorry I am. I know an apology is not enough. Ginny has recommended a psychiatrist that she says can help me. I do need help to understand why I behaved the way I did. I will call her next week to see if she will accept me as a patient.

"You must know by now that I will do anything to preserve our marriage. I love you with all my heart and I can't imagine my life without you. I am begging you to give me another chance. I will agree to anything that will keep us together. Anything!

"Ginny suggested marriage counseling. I'm willing to if you are. I want us to be together for the rest of our lives. I want that more than anything, including my career. I'll give it up tomorrow if that's what you want. Nothing is more important than you in my life.

"I know I've been selfish, but I can change. I can make myself a better person. I can reconnect with our old friends. I can be more considerate of you. It won't be hard to do. It isn't that I've forgotten how. I just need to remind myself to be more thoughtful of others."

I paused again to collect my thoughts. I watched Howard carefully. He was calm but alert. His eyes told me he was absorbing everything I said.

"Howard, I want to tell you ... to assure you ... that I have never been unfaithful to you. Never! And I never will be. I have wiped away any idea that I could do such a thing to you. I saw the hurt and pain that I caused you and I couldn't live with myself if I did something like that to you."

Again, I paused. I was hoping to see some reaction in Howard's face, but again, he was calm and unresponsive. I wondered if he believed me.

"I know that I haven't treated you very well. I mean, not treating you as my partner and the most important person in my life. I think its part of the selfishness I've succumbed to. I promise that I will change. You are far too important to me not to acknowledge that to our friends and associates. Again, I can only apologize for my actions. I'm ashamed of the things I've done that belittle you and demean your importance to me.

"You have asked me to be honest. To be honest to you and to myself. I've tried to do that today. You've shaken me very thoroughly with your words the other night. I still haven't quite recovered from them. I was so frightened and disturbed by them. I had to try hard to understand all the things that I had done to you. Not just my foolish idea to be unfaithful. The other things. 

"It hurt to find out that you were right. These were the things I didn't want to know about myself ... to admit to myself. I've tried very hard to be honest with you. I don't know what else to say. I haven't lied to you tonight. I have never been unfaithful and I don't intend to be. I admit my failings as a wife and partner. These are things I can change. I know they are things I have to change.

"If there's nothing else I can say, I will only say that I love you. I love you with all my heart. I love you just as I have loved you from the day we met. That hasn't changed and I don't think it ever could. Above all, I need to know that you still love me. I just don't know what else there is to say."

I was done. I had said everything I could think of. I had answered his questions, his demands. They couldn't be any doubt that I was sincere. Once again, I was exhausted. I had bottled up my emotions and let them spill out in the past few minutes. I was past tears. I'm not a weeper, I knew, but I was past tears. Now it was a matter of awaiting Howard's decision.

I leaned back and looked at the quiet composed man who was my husband. His face was in his hands now, but when he removed them, I saw the tears. Tears! He was crying. Not sobbing, not wailing, but tears trickled down his cheeks as he looked at me with the most forlorn look I had ever seen on him. 

"I'm sorry, Edie. I believe you. I believe you have been faithful. I believe you want to change. I believe you love me. I believe you are ashamed of what you have done to us. I believe all of that. But I don't believe you have been honest."

I gasped. What did he mean? I saw him react to my shock.

"There is something that you've been hiding from me for a long time. Something that has hurt me more than I ever realized I could be hurt. Something you could not bring yourself to tell me, no matter how much you wanted to. Do you know what it is, Edie?"

I nodded. He knew. How, I don't know and it didn't matter. He knew and he wouldn't forgive me for it. I knew now it was over. My fate was sealed. I collapsed back in my chair.

"You denied me my family ... our family. Our children ... even our grandchildren. You knew how important that was to me. You knew that was something we both said we wanted in our lives. Somehow you changed your mind. I was the only one who meant it. You chose to deny me that gift. 

"I might have got past it if you had been honest and admitted what you had done. Even at this late date, I might have been able to forgive. But you just couldn't bring yourself to tell me, could you?

"I will instruct my lawyer to draw up the papers on Monday. I will move my things while you are out of the house next week. I will take a few clothes with me tonight and stay at a hotel. I'll let you know which one if an emergency comes up.

"I thought you would want to know that I will be taking a 'buy-out' from TC&W. They are downsizing while times are tough and they've offered me a very fair settlement to go early. In a few months, when I'm settled, I'll probably start my own business. I have a lot of useful years left. I'll keep myself busy.

"I'm sorry, Edie. I had really hoped you could find the courage to tell me your darkest secret. I'm sorry you couldn't. I wish you well."

I watched him stand, the tracks of the tears still visible on his face as he slowly walked out of the room and upstairs. I was paralyzed in place. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I wanted to scream at him to stay, to keep me safe, to hold me, to love me again. Instead, I did nothing. I sat staring at the chair he had been sitting in. It was empty. As empty as my life would be.

Epilogue: Howard

I was relieved that I wasn't pressed to find work and reshape my life right away. I needed the time to recover from the week that undid my whole universe. I found a very nice, small apartment in Cambridge that suited my needs perfectly. I bought some furniture that I liked in colors that I liked, and settled in. It would do for now.

I took a vacation. I wanted to go someplace to forget. Someplace that Edie and I hadn't been to. No memories. It was May and I chose the south of France. I rented a car and drove from Monaco to Narbonne, from Marseille to Orange. I absorbed the surroundings and the people and the wonderful cuisine. I was happy for a time.

I sat in a seaside café in Sainte-Maxime, wondering if I could live here. I didn't need much. I could look after myself. My business could be run by remote via the internet if need be. Perhaps, living here among the French, I could forget. Perhaps. For now, I would return to Boston and think about it some more. I'm still trying to get used to being lonely.

Epilogue: Edith

Ginny took me away from the chaos of my failed marriage. I was a mess. I couldn't work, I couldn't think, I just sat around our house and went through the motions of living.

She took me to Seattle and an Alaska cruise. It was the isolation and escape I needed. Thank god for Ginny. She has been my anchor these past weeks. My business seems to run itself. I have very good help. I'm sure my absence has been noticed at the various social functions, but with my divorce being public, I suppose they'll understand. 

Neither Ginny nor I need to work any more. Both of us have accumulated enough to last us much longer than we will live. I've never been one to spend recklessly. I had to fight with Howard's lawyer to get him to accept a larger settlement from me. He deserved at least that and yet he wanted so little. 

I don't think there will be another man in my life. I just can't bring myself to replace him. If there ever was, I would know not to do the things to him that I did to Howard. No matter what, I'll be lonely. I'll have Ginny and all my friends from the business, but I won't have Howard. There won't be another Howard. There was only ever one of him.

The End

As always, my thanks to ErikThread for his editing skills and helpful advice. Any errors or omissions are mine.