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Where Was She Ch. 01

By: thecelt



A tale of two people who loved each other but didn't notice when things began to go wrong. It happens all too often. 

Edited as always by Angel Love. My thanks to her for her encouragement and comments, always right on target.

I hope the 60 year old guy likes this one. 

*

Where Was She? Part 1

Where in the hell was she? It was now just after 7:00 in the morning and she hadn't answered the home phone or her cell. I had just arrived, coming directly from the airport to the hospital, after my daughter Jessie contacted me at my hotel. That was almost five hours ago. Jessie had been unable to contact Paula, her mother, so she finally called me using the number she found on the refrigerator door. I always left my contact numbers there when I went out of town on business. I glanced at my watch and made a note to myself to call once more at 7:30. She would have to be getting ready for work soon.

I walked back down the hall to the room where Jessie sat at bedside, watching her brother Jim. He was so quiet, so pale, so motionless. According to Jessie, he had been that way since he was brought down from the operating rooms three hours ago. The doctor that came in to monitor his condition told her all we could do was wait. And pray. I sat with Jessie now and did exactly that. I prayed for my son's recovery and for an explanation of how this happened.

I got Jessie's call just after 1:30 this morning at my hotel on the outskirts of Chicago. I was there on a service call and had been for the past two days. I worked as a trouble shooter for the alarm systems my company installed in private homes, high risk businesses, and in museums and galleries. Our systems were state of the art and quite expensive and came with full support. I was the best in our company and I handled only the biggest jobs. For this job, I left early yesterday, Tuesday morning, from Youngstown, Ohio with plans to be back no later than Friday. If things went well, I hoped to fly home late Thursday and finish up in the office for a nice weekend. Paula was going to work a little overtime so that she could be off Friday as well. We planned a long weekend together. The call woke me from a sound sleep, and after what Jessie told me, the end of sleep altogether for that night. 

There was no way I could get a commercial flight until morning so I called a charter service that I had used in the past for emergency calls and had them get a plane ready to take me back to Youngstown immediately. They were a top pro outfit and never questioned me. Just told me to check in when I got there. A plane would be ready. I packed what little I had with me and called the desk to get my bill ready. Fifteen minutes later I was in a cab headed for the small airport that hosted the charter. 

During this time, I had called my home four or five times without success. Jessie said she had tried to reach Paula at the shop where she worked for her mother and father but the girl working said she was off for a few days. Paula was not answering the phone at home because she was not there. I tried her cell but all calls were being forwarded to voice mail. Paula was not anywhere to be found. I would have worried except for the conditions of this whole thing. I was angry sure, but too worried about Jim to concentrate. I had to get home, now!

As we lifted off in the pre dawn darkness, I went back over what my daughter told me. Paula and I lived in a large home in one of the suburbs around Youngstown. Jessie lived in a small apartment only a few miles from our home. She was out on her own and working with a seamstress in town as sort of an apprentice. She wanted to be a dressmaker and fashion designer but wanted to try it this way. We offered to send her to school and we helped her when she needed it but she was very self sufficient. Jim was enrolled in college in business in Youngstown and lived at the dorm. I wasn't sure what he had been doing at home this time but that wasn't important. 

Jessie said she was just getting ready for bed when Jim called her. She saw who it was from the caller ID so she answered only to hear Jim gasping for breath. He told her he was at home, and had just started up to his room when he felt a sharp pain in his head. It was so severe, he lost his balance and fell down the steps and lay there at the bottom, unable to move. No one was home so he didn't know who else to call, so he punched the first number on his speed dial which was her. He asked her for help since he was unable to move and his head was splitting. As they talked, Jim's voice became weaker and weaker until it simply stopped. 

At that point, Jessie, God bless her, called 911, gave them the address, told them to enter regardless of whether anyone answered and get her brother to the hospital. She then tried to call her mother on her cell but got no answer so she drove to the house arriving before the emergency crew and found Jim laying at the foot of the steps, pale and hardly breathing. Just then, the emergency crew arrived and in a whirlwind of action had Jim on a stretcher and out the door. She yelled at them to tell her where they were taking him and once she had that information called me. 

That was how we ended up here. Jessie and I watching over her brother, and my son, Jim. Paula was nowhere to be found. Not at home, not answering her cell and not anywhere she could be reached. I thought about that and there were no satisfactory answers coming to mind as I wondered what would have happened if Jim had been unable to call his sister. Paula should have been there at home where she belonged. Had she been, she could have responded much sooner and Jim might not have been lying here in critical condition, hovering between life and death. If he died, it would be Paula's fault! 

Lost in thought and worry for my son, I waited until about 8:00 and then walked down the hall to the small reception room. I used the wall phone to call home one more time. I dialed the number and waited as it rang three, four then five times. I was about to hang up when she answered.

"Hello? Her voice sounded breathless as if she had been running. Paula didn't run. She never exercised unless it was in her pricy spa. Then it was just pampered crap called cardio. 

"Paula, where the hell have you been? I've been trying to reach you for several hours."

Her response was testy and belligerent. She snarled into the phone, "I've been here at home, Del, sleeping like everyone else. Where the hell did you think I was? What's the damn problem?"

So, now I knew. She had deliberately lied to me and did so without any hesitation. Her voice was angry and she was going to attack me as she usually did lately. Nothing I did was right, nothing I said was right and everything she did was perfectly OK. Well, not any longer. Not this time, damn her!

I spoke calmly, holding myself under tight control. There is a time and place for everything and this was not the time. "Jim is at Mercy hospital. He had a blood vessel burst in his brain and he just got out of surgery. He's in critical condition and the doctors don't know whether he's going to make it. Jessie is here. I think you had better get down here as soon as you can."

I hung up the phone before she could respond and slumped down onto one of the chairs. It was clear she had been out all night and callously lied to me. That, coupled with her behavior the past several months all fit together now. She was having an affair and she wasn't even sorry about it. I wanted to be angry: to rant and rave and make plans to kill her and the son of a bitch she was with, but I didn't have the energy to spend on her worthless ass. My son was a breath away from dying and she was out fucking someone else. While he lay there on the floor of our home, blood seeping into his brain, killing him slowly, she was in bed fucking some other man. Her son lay dying while she betrayed all of us. 

After I had calmed myself down, I walked back to the room to see nothing changed. Jessie was sitting in her chair, bent at the waist with her head on the side of the bed and her arm flung across her brothers legs. She had fallen asleep. I felt the tears that welled up in my eyes at the love between brother and sister. Unconditional on Jessie's part and I was sure the same was true with Jim. The pride that swelled in my chest for my children made Paula's betrayal insignificant. We would be OK, the three of us. Nothing else mattered now.

I sat and watched the monitors while nurses and doctors came in and out, checking vitals, adjusting IVs, taking readings and in general, watching. Jim's condition remained unchanged. I was drifting off myself when Paula came in the room, breathless and agitated. She looked at Jim and Jessie and burst into tears. I watched her move to the bed and bend over Jim to kiss his forehead and stroke his hair. She was cooing to him and talking softly into his ear. I watched the monitors but saw no response from Jim. He couldn't hear her. Somehow that both pleased and depressed me. 

She straightened up and looked over to see me sitting there. She came over to me and bent down to hug me.

"Tell me what happened Del. What happened to him? How did this happen?"

When Paula reached out to put her arms around me, I tensed but didn't try to stop her since I noticed Jessie had waked and was watching her mother. She hadn't said a word, just watched. Paula noticed and pulled back with a look of concern on her face. I thought about what to say but decided I had to be honest, at least with this part of it. I would let everything else play out later. Only Jim mattered now. 

"Most of it I found out from Jessie. Jim came home last night late. I don't know why but he was there just after midnight. Since the house was empty, he started up the stairs to his room but felt a sharp pain in his head. It caused him to fall down the stairs where he hit his head and broke one of his arms. He had his cell so he called Jessie." At that point, I looked over to see Jessie smiling at me. "She was so brave and did such a wonderful job. She was the one that saved his life and got help. She got the paramedics to the house, tried to call you but when she couldn't get you, called me. I got a flight home and here I am. Jim had surgery and he's in critical condition. The doctors don't know if he'll make it. He bled too long before the paramedics could get to him."

As I spoke, I watched the color fade from her face, her breathing become shallow and rapid and her eyes widen. I knew what she had done was now coming home to rest squarely on her. Her betrayal may have cost our son his life. Not only that, but it was clear to everyone here what she had done. There was nowhere she could hide, no one who would not know her part in this. As her eyes met mine, she knew. And she could see the accusation in my eyes.

Before she could speak, I rose, told her I had to get out of the room, and walked over to Jessie. I hugged her and whispered in her ear to call me if anything changed. She said OK and I walked out of the room without another word. I had to get away from Paula and Jessie and Jim and all that had happened. Call me a coward, a wimp, anything you wish but I had to leave. At that point I felt I would literally explode if I stayed there any longer. I walked down the hall, turned left toward the exit rather than to the lounge and out the door to my car. I got in, closed the door and pounded my fists on the dash. The anger and the grief inside me fought to be released. I shed the tears I had suppressed through the last painful hours. The tension was still there, but I was alone and free to let go. 

For what seemed like forever, I raged and pounded and cried until I forced myself into some sort of calm. After I stopped, and the tears dried up, I decided to head home to change my clothes and pull myself together. The doctor told me that Jim was in an induced sleep and would be that way for the next 36 hours at least. They wanted to keep him under while the swelling in his brain subsided. The less activity now, the less chance of damage. At least that was the thinking. So, it was safe for me to be gone for a while.

I walked into the house, noticing how dark and silent it was. I walked over to the base of the stairs and looked at the floor. There was only a small spot of blood, not the huge puddle I expected and the floor was scuffed and scratched where they had knelt to administer to him. I looked up the stairs, almost seeing Jim as he stopped in surprise at the jolt of pain and then the failure of his legs to support him. I watched him tumble down the stairs and I actually reached out to stop his flight before remembering that this was just a nightmare. I shuddered and turned away to stop the vision. 

I walked into the kitchen, thinking to fix myself a cup of coffee before I had to brave the stairs when I saw the small overnight bag on the floor near the door to the garage. Paula must have just gotten home and had probably dropped it when the phone call came in. She had not had the time to take the bag upstairs after the call. I bent down to retrieve it, taking it over to the table. I opened it more in curiosity than with any clear purpose. The smell hit me between the eyes: the smell of sex! I pulled out a pair of panties that were wet and smelled of arousal. I dropped them as if they were a snake ready to bite. I backed away from them before catching myself. I had to be sure. I found a new night gown, one I had never seen, also wet but with some dried white crust. I knew what that was. There was a skirt and blouse that must have been from yesterday and some perfume and other cosmetics. All the things needed for an overnight visit with her lover.

I collapsed onto one of the kitchen chairs and held my head in my hands. Now that I had final proof of her infidelity, her adultery, I felt nothing but emptiness. It was all too much to take in. My son in the hospital, near death. My wife of twenty four years unfaithful. My daughter forced to handle her maturity in adversity. My life about to change for the worse. I couldn't deal with it right now. I rose, went to the cupboard and took out a bottle of cooking sherry. I didn't drink often and I hated sherry but I wanted something to take that horrible taste from my mouth. The taste of ashes, the residue of my life as it had been.

As I sipped straight from the bottle, the phone rang. I let it go to the answering machine since I had neither the strength nor the courage to field calls just now. I ignored it as the message played and then a voice I recognized came on, snapping me back.

"Hey babe, where did you go? I woke expecting to find you still in bed beside me. Please call and let me know where you are, OK? Last night was really great for me. Call me when you get in. I'd like to get together one more time before Finnie gets back. Why don't you meet me at our usual place. Call me. Love you."

I knew the voice but the name, Finnie, was the clincher. Only my brother Johnny ever called me that. My name was Delfin Reynolds, or Del for short, to everyone else. Even Paula never called me Finnie. Only John. My older brother. My blood!

Now I knew everything. I guessed that this wasn't a one time thing. They had apparently been cuckolding me for some time now and doing it without any degree of shame. 

They had a usual place and they were nonchalant about it. Paula must make it a habit whenever I traveled. While not often, it was often enough for them to get comfortable with each other. I wondered now why I had never picked up on anything. I had noticed the changes in Paula but I never put it together! 

As I thought about it, I became angry. All this time, my brother and my wife had been making a fool of me. I didn't know how long it had been going on but it was too long. My anger grew as I imagined them together and it became a cold fury. I couldn't accept this and I knew that my marriage was over. My brother! My wife! The cold fury became a blinding rage that threatened to consume me if I didn't gain control. I took a healthy swig from the bottle before throwing it across the room to crash against the wall, shattering into a thousand shards of broken glass. Broken like my marriage! I fought then to gain control of myself and calmed my breathing until I felt easier. I was the injured party but I was not going to be the victim here. I would take control of the situation and it would be resolved my way.

I took the bag with her things and jammed it in the trash cart in the garage. Nothing inside that bag was coming into my home. Yet, I knew I couldn't stop her from living here since legally it was her home as much as mine. Well, I could remove myself from the house. I wasn't going to stay with that slut ever again. I decided then and there that this was the last time I would ever call this place home. She had made that impossible for me. In reality, it was her home, more than mine. She found it, loved it and convinced me to buy it. We had lived here for the past ten years, while our children grew into adults and left home. In the last three years, we had been alone while the kids went out on their own. As I reflected on that, it seemed that things changed shortly after that. That was the time Paula began to spend more time outside the home in meetings, shopping, trips with her girlfriends and other things demanding more of her time. She had begun working for her mother and father in their photography business. They had photography shops in a couple of locations where they took photographs, sold cameras, picture frames and all the accessories, the new digital cams and other stuff like that. They wanted to retire and travel so she had taken on more and more of the supervisory job leaving them free to travel more. 

My brother John had been a frequent visitor to our home after his wife divorced him a little more than a year ago. According to him, the divorce was his decision but now I suspected she had found him out in an affair. At the time, I knew he was seeing someone on the side but all I knew was that she worked in his office. Apparently that ended some time ago and he then took up with my wife. They must have decided to keep it in the family so that it would be easier to control. When I traveled they could get together and fuck their hearts out. When I was home, they could still stay in touch and maybe find an afternoon to get together while I was at work. No doubt they were laughing at me all that time. 

I had to stop this now. My son was in trouble and he needed me to be strong for him. This self pity was not going to help him at all. It wasn't doing me any good either. There were decisions that had to be made and I was damned if I would leave that up to Paula. She had no right to make decisions for Jim since she was mainly at fault for his condition. Damn her! Damn her to hell! As for John, he would be out of my life as soon as possible. He was no longer going to screw me or my wife behind my back. 

I showered, changed my clothes, packed up my toiletries and most of my clothes into two large suitcases and carried them all out to the car. I made several trips collecting all my files and my computer from the den. I cleaned out the desk drawers and the cabinets taking whatever I felt I would need. I looked around the house but was surprised to find that other than what was in my den, there was little I wanted. I decided to let her have it all. It meant nothing to me now. It was no longer a home to me, just a place where I used to hang my hat. She and John could rot in hell here for all I cared. I laid my keys on the kitchen table and pulled the door shut. I took one last look back and then drove away for what I assumed was the last time.

Two hours later, I pulled into the hospital parking lot. I had rented a room in a cheap motel nearby until I could find a better place, but that would come later. Now, I had to be with my son and daughter. I went up to his floor and walked down that long hall to his room. I walked in to see Paula and Jessie talking angrily to each other. They were keeping their voices low but the anger was clear on Jessie's face while Paula was crying. I stood in the doorway, watching. Jessie saw me and stopped talking to Paula. Paula turned her head to see me and, with a sob, ran past me and out into the hall. I watched her go without emotion. She was nothing to me now.


Where Was She Ch. 01



I walked in and took Jessie's face in my hands. I looked at her angry countenance and asked her, "What were you arguing about? It looked bad. Paula seemed to be upset."

Jessie laughed, a short, humorless sound. "I wanted to know where the hell she was while my brother lay there on the floor bleeding to death. I wanted to know why she wasn't home where she belonged. At 1:30 in the morning? I know where she was!"

"No, you don't. You're right in your supposition but you don't know the truth. Just let it go for now. Jim is the one that needs us. We have to keep that first in our minds. He is going to need us in the weeks to come. We have to prepare for the worst and pray for the best. That's what we have to do now."

It worked and Jessie relaxed. She remained in my arms until she was calmer and then returned to Jim's bedside and resumed talking softly to him. We made arrangements so that she and I would take turns over the next 24 hours, one of us always there. I told her that no decisions would be made by anyone but her or me. Paula was not to interfere. Jessie agreed. I walked down to the nurses' station and confirmed that arrangement. As the insurance was in my name, as well as his contact in case of emergency, they accepted my arrangements. I reinforced that his mother was not permitted to make decisions in his case. The nurse looked at me for a second but wrote that instruction in his file.

It was almost two hours later when Paula came back to the room. I was there at the time. Jessie had gone back to change and get something to eat. She looked awful, face pinched, eyes red rimmed and wet, her shoulders hunched and tense. I knew part of it was Jim's condition but I suspected that a great deal of it was guilt. Not for what she had done to me but what happened because she was with John. At least I hoped she felt some guilt. Paula walked in and went directly to Jim's side. She sat there for several minutes before rising to approach me. 

She stopped in front of me, twisting her handkerchief in her hands before asking, "Del, can we talk? I know what you must be thinking and I want to explain. Let's go down to the lounge."

I looked at her, trying to gather some emotion but none came. I was cold inside and it probably showed. "We have nothing to discuss. I know about you and John and that's all I want to know. I know where you were while our son lay bleeding into his own brain." I now felt the anger return. I had no one to direct it to but her. "You're responsible for the condition he's in. What more is there to say?"

Paula's face was a picture of shock. I know the words were like a slap to the face and either she didn't think I knew as much as I did or she didn't think I would attack her as I did. Either way, I didn't care. I just didn't care about her or her feelings just now. I probably would care later, when I could give in to the anger, but not now. 

"Del, please. Let me explain. Let me tell you what happened. You have to let me talk to you now, more than ever. Our son is in trouble and we need to talk about what to do. I don't want us to fight now. Please, Del?"

"You and I have nothing to discuss where Jim is concerned. I've made sure you can't make any decisions about his care. I don't want you to have anything to do with him from this point on. You can visit but that's all. Jessie and I will decide what he needs."

Paula was about to grab my arm and try to reason with me when John walked into the room, going directly to Jim's bedside before he noticed Paula and I there in the corner. When he turned and saw us, his face changed and he started toward me with his hand out to reach for me. "God Finny, I just heard. I'm so. . . ." But all I saw was the son of a bitch that betrayed me and by his actions put my son's life in jeopardy. I reacted swiftly.

I put my arm out to stop his advance, my hand in a tight fist. A fist of anger! "Get your ass out of this room right now, you bastard, before I smash your face in. Get the fuck out of here, now! Now! Go!" I was breathing too hard and I felt my face flush with too much blood. I knew I was in danger of having a stroke unless I got myself under control. 

Paula had moved back against the wall, her hand over her mouth and her eyes wide. The look on her face as she watched me was one of pure terror. I didn't really care at that moment. All I wanted to do was lash out and hurt, so I grabbed her arm and pulled her toward me. I then shoved her into John's arms as he reached to stop her from falling.

This was my brother, my friend and the man I had considered almost as a father but all I saw now was his betrayal. "Take your lover and both of you get out! Take this slut out of here right now and don't you ever come near me again! If you do, I swear I'll kill you."

Paula collapsed to the chair beside the bed while John just stared at me. He was shocked that I had found out about them. I didn't care. I just wanted him gone, and her with him. He tried to say something but I simply rolled over him, bolstered by my hatred for them both. 

"Get out! Don't you ever come back when I'm here. And just stay away from me from now on. I never want to see either of you again. Either of you." I looked at Paula, now openly weeping as John held her. "I won't stop you from visiting our son, but I would ask you to respect my wishes. It's clear that respect is something you apparently never had for me, but I'll ask nevertheless. Please stay away from me."

Paula stopped long enough to wipe her eyes, rose, and looked at me. "Where will I go?"

"That's easy. I've moved my things out of the house. I'm staying elsewhere. I have no intentions of ever living in that house again so you and your lover can have it. Oh, by the way, I put your overnight bag in the trash container so if you want it, that's where you'll find it. It had the stink of the two of you all over it so I didn't want it smelling up the house."

I saw that Paula realized I knew it all. She collapsed completely as I turned and walked out of the room. I wanted to be gone long enough for them to leave, but John followed me out and down the hall, not speaking. I walked out the exit door and into the stairway before turning.

"What do you want? If you have something to say be quick about it, then leave me alone. I meant what I said. I swear I'll kill you if you get in my way."

"Finn, you have to listen. I'm so damn sorry about this. I never meant it to happen but it was after my divorce. Paula was so helpful when I was hurting. She helped me get over Denise and she was a good friend and we just let it get out of hand. It only happened this once and it didn't mean anything to her, I know that for certain. It meant more to me. I pursued her hard and I finally wore her down, but she never stopped loving you. She was acting out of pity for me, I know that now. This has hurt her terribly and she is scared to death of what she's done. But you have to know it was all my fault."

I stared at this man who used to be so important to me. He was my older brother, the one that was always there for me growing up. The man I had thought of as my father for most of my life. Our father had died when I was just ten and John was thirteen. Mom had to go to work and she was hardly ever there. He was the man in my life from then on and I always turned to him in times of need. Now, he had betrayed me, taken from me the only other person I loved and trusted. In one act, the two people I loved and trusted more than any others were lost to me. I couldn't forgive that.

"You've had your say and I don't believe you. No brother could ever do this to his own flesh and blood. I loved you so much, almost like a father. But now, when I really needed you the most, I see you for what you are. So, from now on, I have no brother. No brother and no wife. You are both dead to me."

I turned and walked away.

John and Paula surprised me by honoring my wishes. I did see her from time to time either leaving as I entered or going in as I left. I never saw John again after that day. I had no idea what arrangements they made with Jessie and I never asked her. I made it clear to her early on that I didn't wish to discuss either John or Paula. Jessie accepted that. I was sure she knew what happened but we didn't discuss that either. Jim was all we discussed.

The doctors tried to bring Jim out of his induced coma as scheduled but he didn't wake up. It had been almost three weeks since the operation but Jim remained in a coma and unable to take nourishment on his own. He was breathing on his own and his body was functioning normally but he wouldn't wake. The doctors still hoped that he would wake after his brain had healed itself, but the doctors had no idea of when, or even if he would wake. We could only watch and wait. 

I had applied for a leave of absence which was granted. I was told to take what time I needed and my job would always be there. I had found a nice apartment near my office, fully furnished and ready to move in. I signed a lease and took up residence a week after moving out of the house. I changed my cell service and number, opened accounts in my name only and transferred only about a quarter of what was in our joint accounts to mine. I left most of the money in our savings and checking accounts for Paula. I continued to monitor both accounts to make sure she had enough to take care of the house payments, utilities and living expenses. Paula had money of her own but I never asked her to use it. Nor would I now until our divorce was final. I would honor my commitments even if she had forgotten hers.

Divorce. So far, I had done nothing about that. Not because I expected anything to happen but just because it was low on my priority list. Jim's expenses, his future if things didn't get better, all were things I had to think about. I could only wait on those so I let everything else go. Paula could file if she chose to and I would then get a lawyer, but until then it could wait. As far as Paula was concerned, I had no idea of what she and John were doing. I supposed they were living together in the house. I didn't care. Or so I told myself. 

Time at the hospital was becoming more routine and I didn't go in as often as I had been. Jessie had returned to her training and she was spending mainly evenings there now. I had returned to work but not for traveling. I stayed in the office close to the phone now. Maybe later I would go back out in the field. I tried to time my schedules around what Paula was doing but from time to time I would find her standing in the corner of the room or in the doorway, just watching me. She had tried on several occasions to get me to talk to her but I refused. One time she had blocked the doorway trying to force me to talk with her but I simply stood there until she moved. I wondered when I felt I could make the effort but every time I thought about it, I just felt sadness. 

I found myself thinking of Paula now and again. After all we had been married for over twenty four years and we had raised two wonderful children. Our life together had been great for most of that time, up until the last year or more. It was hard to let that die. My mind kept bringing it to the front especially when I was lonely or sad or depressed over Jim's unchanging condition. I had loved her for all that time. Loved her with all my heart. Never once in all that time did I ever consider cheating. When I was tempted, I would think of her and turn away. I would never hurt her that way. I couldn't conceive of why she had hurt me. What had I done to her to make her do that to me? 

It was during one of those reflections late at night when the hospital called to tell me that my son had awakened. I rushed to the hospital and was asked to wait until one of the doctors could talk to me. I paced around the waiting room, anxious to get in to see Jim when the doctor came in. He asked me to sit while he explained what was going to happen. In effect, this would tell the tale of what damage had been done. This would tell the doctors what the effects were and what the prognosis was going to be. He wanted me to be aware but to stay back while they tested him. I agreed, just wanting to get to it.

In the room, I saw Jim with his eyes open looking around. That seemed to me to be a good sign and I was encouraged. A group of doctors were already talking to him and doing some testing on his reactions and such. I kept to the background while this went on and wondered how my son could do so much after just waking from a deep sleep. But it continued and I watched and waited. Finally, about an hour after they started, they stopped. As they pulled back, I saw that Jim was asleep again and hoped that this was just exhaustion. I followed the doctor out of the room and waited as he conferred with his colleagues. He finally turned to me.

"Well, we learned what we wanted to know. Overall, Jim is strong and healthy but his brain has suffered some significant damage. As of now, we don't know whether it is temporary or permanent. Only time will tell. For example, his ability to think rationally is damaged and his recall is poor. He can talk but when he tries to identify objects, he has difficulty finding the right words. His reaction to outside stimulus is reduced and he may have trouble walking or standing. His sense of balance is damaged. 

"There may be other problems, but it will take some time for them to become apparent. For now, we can only watch and observe. He will need long term care and therapy in any event. That's something you might begin to think about."

I was shocked at the damage as the doctor revealed it to me. He looked so normal and seemed so strong. But was the damage was done as he lay there waiting for help to come? That made me ask the question of the doctor. I felt his answer was important.

"How much was the damage made worse by the length of time it took to get him into surgery? Would it have been different if he were found sooner?"

The doctor shook his head at my question. "That's not possible for me to answer. I can say that most of the damage was caused by the vessel that ruptured in his brain. The leaking blood caused swelling to occur and that, along with the loss of oxygen to those portions of the brain served by the ruptured vessel, were the contributing factors. This would have happened well before the pain he felt which caused the collapse. In other words, the fall was caused by the pressure which had already caused the brain damage. Swelling occurred quickly and the results are as we now see. That was the main factor. Time was important, but the damage was already done before the fall happened."

The answer seemed to indicate that Paula may not have been responsible for the extent of the damage, but the fact remained that Paula was not there to get help for my son as soon as possible. Maybe she wasn't responsible for all the damage but she was certainly responsible for some of it. And the reason was clear: betrayal! I would not forget that.

I called Jessie as soon as I could and told her the news. She wanted to come right away but I told her to wait until morning since Jim had gone back to sleep. I told her I would stay until she got there. As I closed my cell phone, I wondered if I should call Paula as well. He was her son after all and regardless of what she had done, she did love him, I was sure. She had been here as often as possible, staying clear when I was about but still there in the background. 

I decided to call, just to be fair about Jim's recovery. I wouldn't admit that I also wanted to hear her voice. I dialed the house and waited.

"Hello? This is Paula. Is this the hospital? Is something wrong with my son?" Her voice was slurred by sleep but the panic was clear in her tone.

"Paula, it's me. Del. Jim woke up an hour ago and the doctors examined him. There is some damage but they're not clear about how bad it is or whether it's permanent. I know you want to come now, but he's asleep again and probably won't wake until morning. I would wait till then before you come in. I'll stay until 7:30 and then I'll leave for work. Come then if you want."

She started to say something but I hung up. I didn't want to have a conversation with her right now. Later we would have to talk but not now. My cell rang almost as soon as I shut it but I saw it was Paula and simply turned it off. What she worked out with Jessie would be between them. I wanted no part of it. I returned to the room to wait for my son to wake.

After Jim had been awake for a few days, we began to see the changes in him. As the doctors had indicated, Jim was slow to respond to many things. He could talk, could carry on a conversation but not one that involved any real thinking. He could tell us how he felt, he recognized who we were and he would smile when we came in to see him but he was almost childlike in the things he did and said. It was heartbreaking to see him this way but at least he was alive. But the Jim we all knew was gone. Maybe for good. Jessie seemed to be the most affected. She had spent more time with the adult Jim than either Paula or I had. They had always been close but seemed to grow closer as they got older. I guess they shared more of the same things. Jessie felt the loss keenly.

The doctor asked if I and my wife could come in and talk with him. I assured him that I could make any decisions that were necessary but he continued to insist that both Paula and I talk with him. He was very firm on that and as much as I tried, I couldn't get him to change his mind. So, I told him to set it up with her the next time she was in and let me know the time. Jessie wasn't needed he said so it would be just the three of us. 

He soon let me know that a time had been set for us to talk and I made arrangements to take the necessary time for it. I was back to work now but limited my travel until I was more confident about Jim's health. I arrived at the hospital and was directed up to the fourth floor where the doctor had his office. I checked to be sure Jessie was going to be with Jim before going in. I knocked, and entered to find Paula already there seated at a small conference table. I took a seat across from her and waited for the doctor. This was the first time we had been alone together since the day of the accident. Paula looked better than she had the last time I saw her and I noticed that she was less anxious. I guess Jim's condition had put our lives in some sort of perspective. He was important to both of us and our problems took a back seat for now.

A secretary stuck her head in the room and told us the doctor was on the way and would we like anything to drink. We declined and she retreated, shutting the door behind her. I looked at Paula and decided to ask a few questions. I wasn't feeling mean so it was a good time. 

"How have you been? Is everything OK at the house? I assume you have enough money to take care of things? If you need more, please let me know."

"I'm fine and the house is fine. I don't need any money as you well know." She seemed angry but then I wasn't all that happy myself. I was just trying to be thoughtful. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. Better for all if I did. I have a temper, I know.

That lasted for just a minute before I had to put in one jab. Just one, no big deal. "How is my loving brother? I haven't seen him for a while. I assume you two are sharing our bed?"

Her look was priceless! Anguish, guilt, sorrow, and just a trace of anger. All tied together on her face as she stared at me. If I only had one jab to strike, that one was a winner!

Her response was a long time coming but she finally looked up and spoke. "I haven't seen John since the day you and he spoke in the hospital. I know he's been in to see Jim once or twice but not while I was there. Jessie hasn't spoken to him either. And he is certainly not living at the house with me."




Where Was She Ch. 01



Paula looked away after hitting me with that bombshell. I had no idea he wasn't coming around and no idea of where he could be. I certainly was surprised by her statement. But then, was she being truthful? When you can't trust, it's difficult to believe. 

"Have you tried calling him at his home? Or maybe you could try your usual place. I believe that's what he referred to in his phone message to you. 'Let's meet at our usual place' I believe were his exact words."

Paula rose and walked toward the window looking out over the parking lot. She stared out the window without answering. I could see her shoulders shaking and knew she was crying. At that, I felt a small stab of guilt. This was neither the time nor the place for this. My son was the subject of this meeting, not my anger or her failing. 

"I'm sorry. This is not the place for that. Please sit down. I'll not bother you again."

She stood there without responding until the doctor came in. He apologized to both of us for being late and took a seat without further words. He pulled out some charts and a few typewritten pages and scanned them quickly before looking up. Paula had taken her seat and I saw that her eyes were red and shiny with tears. I felt a momentary pang of regret for that but then the doctor began.

"I'm sorry to say that it is my opinion that without some changes, Jim is not going to get any better than we have seen so far. For that reason, I'm recommending that he be discharged immediately. We can do no more for him here and a home situation would be much better for him. He will need constant care for a while and he should begin rehabilitation therapy as soon as possible to give him back all that he's capable of."

The doctor looked gravely at us as he spoke, trying to be sure we realized the severity of what he was saying. He seemed satisfied and continued.

"The amount of care will be considerable until he can learn to care for his personal needs through therapy. I would recommend full time nursing for the first month or more and then you could begin to reduce that level of care. He needs a safe place and one where he would feel comfortable. Home would be the best place for him now. The place where he grew up, the place where he would come when he was in trouble."

Paula was listening intently and I was surprised at how well she was taking this. If I expected tears and crying I was to be disappointed. She was all business and she seemed to expect this. Before I could say anything, she answered.

"Jim can come home right now. Marge has agreed to hold down my job so I can be there for him full time. I can begin to interview for nurses and start training as soon as one can be found. I'll have his bed and his things moved downstairs to the den, which I'm not using."

The comment about the den was made with a glance in my direction. The den was my room when I lived there. Now, it was empty. But more important, I wasn't sure I wanted Paula to be the one to take care of Jim. After all, she was partly responsible for the condition he was in! She and my bastard brother! As I was about to respond in anger, the doctor spoke again.

"That would be perfect Mrs. Reynolds. Jim would be home in familiar territory and you would be his nurse, someone he knows and trusts. That is critical at this stage. And anyone you bring in would be OK with him since it would still be home. This would be best for all concerned."

He turned to me and continued.

"Mr. Reynolds, I understand that you are the one responsible for his hospitalization costs and the one he designated as responsible party, but I believe this is the best course of action for Jim. I sense some problems between the two of you but that is not my concern. Jim's care is, and I recommend the two of you deal with each other and do what's best for your son."

That set me back and put me squarely in my place. If I insisted on caring for Jim someplace else, I was the one in the wrong. I left the house to Paula so home was where she was, at least to Jim. I understood immediately that I had to put my own desires behind and do what was best for my son. Paula and home were for the best.

With a deep breath, I replied. "I agree doctor. I have no objection." I glanced at Paula and saw her shoulders relax. She apparently believed I would fight her on this. How little she knew me, as I had discovered. The doctor was apparently pleased by this, perhaps expecting my objections. 

"Perfect. Then we'll make the arrangements with the hospital to move him to your home tomorrow afternoon. You should have a hospital type bed available to make your job easier Mrs. Reynolds and you will need to fill several prescriptions and learn to administer intramuscular injections. Mostly steroids for inflammation and antibiotics for infection control. Both will be required for a month or so until all danger is past."

He stood, apparently finished with us for the moment. Doctors were always in a hurry to get somewhere else when they delivered bad news. I guess their insecurities were to blame. Good news meant they were gods to us mere mortals. Bad news reminded them of their limits.

When we were alone, Paula sat there twisting her hands together, wringing them as they say. She finally looked up at me and decided to get on with it.

"Can you arrange for the bed to be delivered by tomorrow? I don't know much about that sort of thing so I would appreciate it if you would do that. I'll arrange for a nurse as soon as possible. I'll also have someone show me how to give shots. I guess we can arrange some times for you to come visit Jim at home when I'm out. I know this isn't what you wanted but it's going to have to do. It's best for Jim, at least until he can be on his own."

I had no desire to continue to lash out at her, at least not now. This truth about this situation was suddenly coming home to land squarely on my shoulders. I had to do my part and that part was not to satisfy my anger and pain at Paula's expense. Not now anyway. She was going to be responsible for Jim's primary care and I had to accept that. Jessie would be there as well when she could so I had to bite the bullet and make my peace for the time being. 

"Paula, I will do my part in this and I will not do anything to make it more difficult. Jim needs you now and I understand that. So, for now, I will try to be civil and not cause you any discomfort. I will let you know when I will be able to visit Jim and you can let me know when it is best for you. I'll accept that."

Paula gave me a weak smile but I could tell she was still hurting by my words from earlier. They were words meant to hurt and wound and I regretted them. Not the words but the timing of them. I hurt from what she did so why not her? I left the room then and went back to work. Life was going to be a strain on all of us for the foreseeable future.



Where Was She Ch. 02



A tale of two people who loved each other but didn't notice when things began to go wrong. It happens all too often.

Edited as always by Angel Love. My thanks to her for her encouragement and comments, always right on target.

During the next few weeks, Paula set up the house to accommodate the new hospital style bed I had delivered and she was able to incorporate most of the equipment Jim would need into the den. With my permission, she had some workers in to knock down the wall between the den and the family room, opening it up into a large bedroom with a sitting area and a place for the new equipment. Those were mainly walkers, guide ropes to pull himself up and down and other exotic equipment meant to help him do everything easier and better. Within two weeks, Paula had the area fully functional and Jim positioned in the middle of a full scale rehabilitation facility. 

Jessie had moved back into the house and brought her sewing machines and other stuff so that she could continue her work in design and seamstress training. That way, she could be there to spell Paula when she had to leave for shopping or other things. Between them and the full time nurse we had hired, Jim was never alone. That was the way we wanted it for now at least until he began to exhibit some independence. And Paula and I both hoped that Jim would make more progress than the doctors expected. 

My visits were frequent at first, Jessie calling me to let me know when the best times to come would be. I spent my time with Jim trying to plumb the depths of his memory. I was not convinced that his memories were lost, just buried and difficult for him to locate. With some association games and a thing called 'Patterning' I had found on the internet, I began to help him access the memories he had stored inside his brain, behind the walls of damage. I was pleased that we were making progress and after several weeks, his recall was significantly improved. During my last session with him, he was able to recall exactly what happened the night he collapsed. From the time he walked in until the call to Jessie when he lost consciousness. He did ask me then where Paula was, and I just told him we would talk about that later, Now it was time to rest after a good session. 

His question opened up a wound that had begun to scab over. His memory of that night reminded me again of the fact that Paula was laying with my brother at the time Jim lay there bleeding. The doctor refused to assess blame to her absence but that absence is what finally caused me to walk away from her. I had disowned my brother and my wife at the time and I was not yet ready to change my mind. I had gone over it in my mind a thousand times and the only question that kept coming up was why did she allow it to happen? That question was what stopped me from trying to get past this and save my marriage. I had to understand first before I could move on.

I had spoken to Paula's father and mother on a couple of occasions. They called in from wherever they were at any given time to ask about Jim. Paula gave them a schedule of when she would be there and I assumed they spoke often. On the two occasions I spoke to them, it was not long before they asked me what was going on between Paula and I. When I asked them what Paula had told them, they just said she told them she had done something terrible and that she had hurt me. She obviously didn't tell them what so neither did I. Just that we were not together now except for our son. From the questions Margie, her mother, asked, I knew that she had guessed. But regardless of how hard she tried, I would give her no information. They always left me with their love and hopes for a reconciliation.

Jessie was still staying at the house but she was getting restless now that Jim was improving. She helped him walk around the house and they had begun to go out more and more. Jim could now walk almost unaided around the house and Jessie made sure he was OK. She wanted to begin to take him out and around the block but Paula was still not sure. I told her it was OK with me, but Jessie preferred that Paula agree. Once she did, Jim's progress increased and he was now walking almost a mile or more every day. His legs were getting stronger and with my work on his memory and Paula's constant care, Jim was almost able to take care of himself. After just five months of our efforts, Jim had come most of the way back, surprising even the doctors. 

At his last monthly visit, Jim had impressed the doctor so much that he revised his earlier estimates. He now believed Jim could function independently again and could probably try going back to college. He warned us that he might fail but that it was worth the effort. We agreed and decided to talk to Jim later about it. But I felt there was a more important issue to discuss with Paula now that Jim was on his way to a full, if limited, recovery. Our future together, or rather, our lack of a future together.

I had begun to travel again and I was asked to take on a job for a company in Phoenix that ran a fleet of armored money carriers. They serviced the banks in the Phoenix area and shuttled cash and checks to and from the central bank. They had a state of the art surveillance system and all of the money that came in or out was electronically counted and scanned. Our systems did it all but they were looking to upgrade some of the software. Since it took someone who could read and write the software codes, they had to call for someone like me, an administrator for the system. I agreed after talking with Paula and Jessie. Jim needed less and less supervision so I had the time to take the assignment.

I planned to spend only a week or less in Phoenix but after seeing the extent of the upgrades they planned, revised that to two weeks. I called Jessie to tell her and she seemed fine with it. I asked her what her plans were but she said she was not too busy just now. She then asked me what my plans were for when I got home but I wasn't sure what she was referring to so I was a little vague. She did surprise me by her next statement.

"You know dad, you need to talk to mom and see if you two can get things straightened out. Don't you think it's about time?"

I was taken aback by that. I thought Jessie understood how I felt and what her mother had done to me: how much she had hurt me and the pain I was still feeling. How could she think I would get back together with Paula? 

"You aren't serious are you? You know how I feel. I'm surprised that you would ask me that."

"Well, you'd better come home then and talk to Jim. He doesn't understand and he doesn't know why you're not living at home. He thinks it's his fault. He thinks it's because of his problems that you two have split." 

Now I was confused. My son thinks I left his mother because of his accident? His problems? How could he think that? But, if I thought about it, I had never discussed it with him and he had never asked. Just the one time when we first talked about the night of his fall. He said something about mom not being home and then asked me why. I never answered him. 

In surprise, I asked Jessie, "Why haven't you told him what happened? He'd trust you. Why would you allow him to believe he was at fault? I don't understand."

"Dad, listen to me. It's not my place to tell Jim about what mom did. That's between Jim and mom. All I know is that mom made a mistake. A big mistake I know, but you've let it tear apart our family, drive my uncle away and make my mom a wreck. You won't talk to her and you won't make a decision to either end it or make it work. The one who's really hurting us all is you."

"Jessie! That's not true. Your mother's infidelity is what caused this rift between us. It's her fault, hers and John's. You know that!"

"Sorry Dad, but that won't fly. You have to decide for yourself. You can't just let it lay there and fester. If you can't accept what Mom did, then you owe it to her to say so and start the divorce proceedings. Jim and I are grown up now and we're not going to suffer because you and mom go your separate ways. We'll continue to see both of you and love you anyway. So, it's your choice what to do, but you have to make a decision. Mom is waiting for you."

"Why me? She can start the proceedings as well as I can. She doesn't have to wait for me."

"Of course she does. She doesn't want the divorce. She wants to save the marriage but she doesn't know how. You have to talk to her and tell her what you want to do. She knows what she wants."

"How could you know that? What she did makes that a lie. How could she do that to me and then claim to want to continue in a marriage with me? How can she love me but then make love to my brother?"

"Oh, dad, even I know the difference. Love has nothing to do with what she did with Uncle John. There was no love there. Maybe on Uncle John's part, at least I think so, but not on mom's part. That I know for sure. I think it was pity, or compassion, what ever you want to call it that she felt for Uncle John. But it was nothing more that that."

"Pity? How little you know. She helped him after his divorce, certainly, but how do you know that it didn't grow to be more than that? How do you know?"

"That's something you have to find out for yourself. You have to talk to mom. Please dad, talk to her before you do something you'll regret."

I hung up the phone after talking to my daughter, confused, angry and depressed more than ever, convinced that I had no idea of what I wanted. Did I want to save my marriage? Did I want to forgive her and take her back? Could I even do that? What did I want to do? I decided that I needed time away from everything to think. My trip to Phoenix was just in time.

I cleared my desk and outstanding work and planned to leave for Phoenix that Sunday night. I wanted to get a start first thing Monday so that I could finish as quickly as possible. If I got lucky, I wouldn't need the full two weeks. I packed my bags at the apartment and prepared to leave the first thing in the morning. I went out to see Jessie and Jim without thinking to call first. So, as would be expected, Paula was there when I arrived. Since it was my fault, I quickly assured her that she wasn't expected to leave on my account. She thanked me and went in to the kitchen while I spent some time with Jim. We talked a little but he seemed tired from that day's workout. Jessie said he had walked over two miles and did really great. 

I wanted to get this cleared up with Jim before I left so I decided to bring up the topic that he asked about before. 

"Jim, there's something you need to know. The problems between your mother and I have nothing to do with you or the care we are giving you. That was something your mother and I agreed on with the doctors. We never had any problems with you. You have to believe that."

Jim looked confused and then asked, "If that's true, why are you living somewhere else while mom and Jessie live here with me?" Why can't you stay here as well?"

"Because your mother and I have some problems that began before your accident. We have to work them out ourselves. They aren't related to you or your problems. We both are very pleased with you and your progress. That we agree on."

We talked some more but it was clear that Jim accepted what I told him and I believe it was good that we did talk. He had been carrying that load around and it was holding him back some, but now it was over.

When Jim fell asleep, I walked into the kitchen to speak to Paula. She seemed surprised as I walked in and took a chair. It was rare for me to do that so she had no idea what to expect. But I felt the need to talk to her now, more than ever. I saw the coffee pot was full so I got up to make myself a cup before sitting down again.

"Paula, I think we need to talk together. I mean really talk. I have a lot of questions and a lot of things I need to think about. I wanted to ask if we could make some time when I get back from Phoenix. I shouldn't be there more than eight or nine days all together. I'd like to make plans when I get back for the two of us to take some time away from Jim and Jessie and just talk. Would you think about that while I'm gone?"

Paula seemed surprised but also hopeful. She smiled as I talked and when I suggested we take some time together, I saw a tear fall from her eye. She nodded her acceptance when I finished and seemed to gather herself together before answering.

"Of course we can talk. I will answer any questions you have and I hope I can help with the things you have to think about. I've been ready to talk to you any time. Where would you like to go to be alone? I can make some arrangements while you're away if you like. Jim doesn't need me now as much and the nurses can take care of any of his needs for a short time. And Jessie is always here."

"Let me think about it. Somewhere we can be alone without interruptions. I thought we could both drive and then we would be free to leave at any time. How about your parents place? They're gone and won't be back any time soon. How about that?"

"That's fine with me. I have the keys so I'll make sure we have something to eat or drink so we don't have to go out or anything. OK?"

"Great. I'm leaving in the morning so I should be finished by the end of the week or the beginning of next week. I'll call to let you know when I'm coming home."

"OK, but you don't have to give me a warning. I'll just make sure the place is ready whenever you are."

The was one last thing to do. "Paula, there is one thing. Jessie told me that Jim feels responsible for our separating. I spoke to him and told him that he was not a source of problems between you and I. I think he accepts that now. But I never told him the truth about that night or why I did move out. He needs to be told. I can do it, but I believe it should come from you. He has to know the truth."

Paula looked away and I watched the tension come over her but it was short lived. Her shoulders relaxed and she took on a calm expression. "I'll do it tonight. It's proper that it come from me. I guess I thought you would have told him. I should have known you wouldn't do that. I'll tell him."

So, that was that. I had committed to a sit down but I had no idea of what I wanted to say or do. I did want her to explain to me how she let it happen. How she could forget her vows so easily. How she could justify fucking my brother within our marriage. How she could. . . . That was the problem. When I began to think about it and ask questions, the anger began to build until I was shaking. I had to be able to control myself or the whole thing would be a waste of my time. 

I left for Phoenix on schedule and began my troubleshooting the first thing Monday morning. I had an idea of what they wanted but I needed to ride with the drivers for a few days to make sure I understood their needs. I had the office software and the executive software down cold so it was no problem to revise that to their specifications, but the drivers were another matter. After three days riding with a few of them, I got the picture. By the end of the third day I was ready to begin revisions.

I worked steadily for the next four days, working through the weekend and into Monday morning. I wanted to run a test of the system as soon as possible to identify the bugs. There would be bugs. There always were. But to my surprise, they were few and easy to fix. So easy I felt I would be finished by Wednesday morning. I could book a flight out Wednesday afternoon and be home by the evening. I felt so good, I decided to hit the lounge in the hotel that evening to have a few drinks and unwind a little. I had earned it and I deserved to relax a little. 

I ate dinner and treated myself to a steak, medium rare and baked potato with sour cream and chives. I finished that off, had a piece of pie for desert and topped it off with a cold beer. Perfect. Just like home. Or what used to be home. I thought back to our evenings together before. Paula was a great cook. She had a way with a steak and I loved her pot roast and even her meat loaf. Anything she touched had a way of tasting delicious. It had been a while since I had a good home cooked meal. But whose fault was that? Hers, as far as I was concerned. Hers and my ex brother. But according to Jessie, I was also to blame for allowing it to continue. I wasn't sure I bought into that theory. 

I decided to hit the lounge and have another beer. A good cold beer or two to make the steak lay better. I settled in at the bar and got my first draft. It tasted so good, I made short work of it and motioned for a second. By the end of the third, I was feeling pretty good. So good that when this beautiful young blonde thing sat down next to me, I was just willing to buy her one as well. I offered, she accepted and I looked her over while she took her first sip. She was about ten or fifteen years younger than me, very pretty in that blonde, blue-eyed way and nicely stacked from what I could see. Maybe a hooker? But she didn't have that look, the one that said I'm available if the price is right. 

I decided to make conversation so I thought of the first thing that came to my mind. "What's a pretty thing like you doing here all alone?" Once the words were out of my mouth, I almost choked. I gave her a sick grin and said, "Pretty stupid I guess, but then I'm not in the habit of coming on to pretty young things in bars. Even high end bars like this lounge". 

She looked at me with those big blue eyes and smiled, a little sad smile however. "I'm staying here at the hotel while I'm in town on business." She reached into her purse and handed me a business card. "My name's Selena Campbell. Most people call me Lena." I gave her one of my cards as I introduced myself. I looked at the card she gave me, and then took a closer look. The card said 'Vice President of Sales'. The logo on the card was one from a fortune 100 company that had its headquarters in Phoenix, but her card indicated she was based in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Apparently she was here visiting the home office. For a woman as young as she appeared, this was a high level position. I had to know more, both about her personally and about that sad little smile.

"I sorry Lena, but I can't believe that they would leave someone like you alone for the evening. The men in your home office must be idiots. Any man in his right mind would have invited you to dinner. Spend some time with you. I know I would have. You are a very beautiful young woman if you don't mind a compliment."

"Well Del, I don't mind at all. After the trip I've had and especially this day, I can use all the compliments I can get. Seems like you're the only one that feels that way. This trip was a real downer for me."

She seemed so sad and I had to find out why. No one this beautiful should ever be sad. Or at least that's what four or five cold drafts thought. So, I signaled for two more cold ones and asked her to tell me what was bothering her. She took the draft, sipped, and then leaned back. She gave me a look that made my stomach flutter and motioned to one of the booths that were against the back wall. "Let's get comfortable first, OK?"

I nodded my acceptance, picked up her draft and led the way to a booth near the corner. Lots of privacy and too far away for our conversation to be heard casually. She followed, slid in and took the beer back. I started to move in across from her when she took my hand and pulled me down beside her. I was surprised but went willingly.

"I don't like to shout. I hope you don't mind?" she asked me with a slight smile. I knew she was being facetious but answered that I was quite willing to be near her, as if she had any doubts. Women who looked like her never had men turning away, especially ones with no ring on her finger. I noticed. 




Where Was She Ch. 02



"Ok", I began. "Talk to me and tell me why you are so down." I settled down beside her, our thighs touching softly. I know I felt a stirring down between my legs but tried not to be too obvious about it. After all, it had been some time for me, beginning even before Paula's cheating. 

"Well, I was asked to come down to the home office to discuss my future with the company. I was expecting a promotion and a new assignment since I had just finished one of the most successful years in our division. Our sales exceeded projections by over 15% and it was mainly due to my actions. Everyone knew it and they all expected me to be promoted as well." 

She took another drink of her draft, put it down and then picked it up again to take a deeper drink. She handled her beer well and seemed to be thinking before continuing. I just waited, watching her. She was even more beautiful up close and I enjoyed the view. Her hair was shiny and soft and I wanted to run my hands through it just to feel it's softness. Her skin was flawless and pale, a nice contrast to her hair. When she talked, I watched her mouth with fascination. Her lips were moist and inviting. But most appealing were her eyes when she focused them on me. That ice blue was compelling and I felt as if I was drowning in them. 

She continued, seemingly unaware of the effect she had on me. But, I listened, curious as well as attracted. "My boss, Mr. Atkins, met with me this morning. He congratulated me on my performance, promised that there would be a nice bonus in my next check and then dropped the bombshell. I was not being promoted. Another gentleman from the home office was getting the promotion. A man I knew and despised. He's a loser who made his way on other people's work."

Another drink from the glass, this time with a slight slam of the glass onto the table. I winced, expecting the glass to shatter, but nothing happened and I relaxed. She was lost in another world, probably reliving the disappointment. 

"He told me that I had done a remarkable job and that I was a major member of the sales team but that he felt Roger, the other man, was a better organizer and could work better with management. I made my feelings clear to him about Roger, about my performance and my desire to be promoted. He listened but told me that the decision had been made at higher levels. He was sorry, but that was that."

She stopped, looked at me with those clear icy blue eyes and I wanted to smash Roger's face in, even though I had never met him. While I was at it, I would smash Mr. Atkins' face in as well. Both of them, for hurting this vision of loveliness in front of me. I told her so with passion and anger burning inside me. I only wished I could make her smile, make her lose that sad look in her eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes. 

"Del, would you like to take me to bed? Right now?" Her face was serious, and her eyes were wet. I wasn't sure why she was about to cry but her words were echoing around in my head like a shout. Did I want to take her to bed? Was the Pope Catholic? Did a bear shit in the woods? Did I?

"Lena, I would love to take you to bed, now or anytime, but I have to tell you my story first. It may make you change your mind." What the hell was I doing? My mouth was making words but my brain was trying like hell to stop it. She offered me paradise and my mouth wanted to talk to her! Shit!

"I doubt that whatever you say will change my mind. You're an attractive man, I'm in the mood for some real loving and I think I'm not too bad looking myself. Are you sure you want to risk it?" She was smiling now, not a real happy smile but it was not that sad one she had used all evening. I wanted to take her to my room right now, but instead my mouth said, "I have to risk it."

She finished her draft, asked me for a refill and settle back to listen. She was still smiling and she laid a hand over mine. "Go ahead and tell me your story. I'll listen."

I began, not even sure what my stupid mouth was going to say, but since it started this whole thing, I let it go. "I'm married, for the moment, but I'm not sure if I'm going to stay that way. My wife and my brother had an affair. I found out and I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I told my brother to get out of my life and I haven't seen him since. I haven't talked to my wife other than to make arrangements for our son who had a medical emergency on the same night my wife was fucking my brother. She should have been home at the time but she wasn't. The doctors tell me that it didn't make a difference but she wasn't there when he needed her." 

I stopped, looked over to see how she was taking this but she simply sat there, waiting for me to finish. She smiled encouragingly, letting me know that it was OK so far. But now for the part that was bothering me the most.

"The problem is that I don't know why she did it. I always thought we were perfect and that our sex life was good. But my brother is bigger than me: I mean taller, wider across the shoulders, and heavier. I guess he would be bigger than me in the sex department as well, so maybe she wasn't happy with me and he was more of what she needed." I was sweating now, saying things that up to now I had only thought about in a half hearted way. "So, maybe you would be disappointed."

To her credit, Lena didn't laugh although I saw her lips twitch and her eyes flash. She turned away while she controlled herself and I thought when she did she would tell me that we should forget the whole thing. I wouldn't blame her. Regardless, I felt like a fool now and I doubted I could be good company in the sex department. I looked away, waiting for her to say something. As I was about to give up, I felt her hand on my shoulder and I turned to look at her.

"Del. I don't know what your wife thinks or why she did what she did. I know that it makes little difference to most women how big a guy is. If it did, we'd all be dating porn stars. I've dated a lot of guys and I've been intimate with some, but I can't honestly say that I've noticed much in that department. They're either very good in bed or not, but size has never been the determining factor." She smiled at me in a way that made me feel much better. "I doubt that I will be disappointed."

I took her at her word and paid the check. We sat there finished our beers, looking at each other till I rose and took her hand. "Would you feel better in my room or yours?"

She put one hand on my cheek and simply said, "yours." When my heart settled down, I led her out of the lounge, across the lobby, and to the elevator. We said little as we rose to my floor and walked down the hall to my room. Once inside, she turned to me and melted into my arms. I had only a moment when I questioned what I was about to do but it was gone in a flash as her lips met mine and we began the age old quest to see who could get their clothes off first. I lost. 

The first time was very fast and very rough. Mainly on her side. She was wild and I fought hard to stay with her, but I succeeded. She wanted to be in control and she climbed on top of me, grabbed my cock in her hand and mounted me with little foreplay. She leaned over with her hands on my shoulders for support while I grabbed her breasts. She rode me to her fist climax while I went along for the ride. I was content to let her drive while I continued to fondle her breasts as she bounced atop me. I was pleased when she climaxed and I didn't. As she collapsed onto me, her breath coming in gasps, her body covered in a sheen of moisture, she laughed, "Well, that was fun. In my opinion, your wife is a moron!"

I waited until her breathing calmed down and she stopped shuddering. I flipped her over onto her back as she laughed in glee and climbed between her legs. I lowered myself down, rubbing my still hard cock against her lips, spreading some moisture over the head before entering her. As I slipped inside, her eyes closed and her mouth opened and she arched up to meet me. I started slowly, savoring the feel of her tightness, even now after the first wild ride. She was so tight, so soft, that I wanted to prolong this as long as possible. I wanted to go slow, but after the first few strokes and her humping up to meet me, my urgency began to build. I tried to control myself but it was no good. I began to move faster and faster as she wrapped her legs around my waist. I groaned once and began to pump as hard as I could. She was whispering in my ear to go faster and harder. She was keeping up a steady stream of encouragement which I answered with all my strength. I felt my balls tighten and then I came! I had never cum so hard in my life. I just held myself tightly inside her as I emptied my load inside her. She kept me there with her legs until I wilted. 

She let her legs down and I moved back to take my weight off her. I tried to roll off her but she had her arms around me and wouldn't let me go. She smiled into my eyes and said, "That was something else. I can never remember cuming like that before. You were terrific. You really were. Thank you for cheering me up. I feel better than I have all damn day."

I laughed and kissed her once more before saying, "I'm too heavy for you. If you let me go, I'll get off."

She just tightened her grip. "You're not heavy, you just feel good. I want you right here on top of me until you're ready to go again." 

I laughed, kissed my way down her face and neck to her breasts and said, "Prepare yourself for a long night." In only a short while, I felt myself coming back to life and prepared to make a move when she felt it as well. She reached down between us and took me in her hand. "I think someone is ready to go again. How do you feel about doggy fashion?" When I smiled, she knew we had a go. The rest of that night went by so quickly, and I'll never forget a minute of it as long as I live. 

I think that night changed me forever in so many ways. My confidence was back, my desire was rekindled and I felt like a man again. She was what I needed and I thanked providence for sending her my way that night. We woke the next morning in each other's arms and the first thing I saw was her contented smile. I returned it in kind as I rose to find my pants. I picked up the phone and ordered room service for coffee and toast. It was only 6:30 and I didn't have to be in the plant anytime before 9:00 that morning. She told me she was flying home that morning so she would have to leave by 7:30 but that left us an hour. We took a shower together where nothing happened but some very nice cuddling and rubbing, then we dried off and spent the remaining time talking and exchanging numbers. Neither of us expected to ever see each other again, but the afterglow was enough to allow us the fantasy. 

Just before Lena left to go back to her room to pack for her trip home, she stepped up against me and put her hands on my face, framing it. "Whatever reason your wife had for what she did, it had nothing to do with your abilities in the bedroom. You were a great lover and I enjoyed it as much if not more than any other time I can remember. Because I respect you, I swear to you I'm telling the truth. Go home and talk to your wife. The failure wasn't you, at least not in that way. Find out what's broken and fix it! Don't let all you two have shared be lost in anger and resentment. Please Del! Find your happiness again." 

"Thank you Lena. Last night meant a lot to me and I love you for it. I hope you can go on and continue to do the great job you've been doing. If there's any justice in the world, you'll get what you want. I know that." I leaned down to kiss her mouth once more before she left. Her mouth was so sweet and soft and I could feel my arousal again. "I have to let you go before I pull you down on that bed and have my way with you! And I will talk to Paula, at least long enough to find out why she did it. I may not like the answer but I'll find out."

Selena smiled, kissed me once more and then walked quickly down the hall and out of my life. But she left behind a much more confident man, once that was ready to face his future without fear and uncertainty. Whatever caused Paula to stray, I would deal with it. Depending on what we decided, I could go on with my life and not look back. Lena had given me that gift last night. 

I finished my work at the plant and tested the software thoroughly. The drivers were satisfied and the early morning runs we had scheduled went flawlessly. The home office was pleased and the whole system purred throughout the vetting without a whimper. By late morning we were finished. I got one of the secretaries to confirm a 3:00 pm flight back home and the Dispatcher took me to lunch to thank me for all the work and for my spending time with his drivers. We had a great time and I left for the airport pleased with the trip in more ways than one.

Just before the plane was to board, I called home to speak to Jessie or Paula to check in on Jim. I had no concerns about him now that he was doing so well, but it was just a precaution. I got Jessie and spoke with her for a few minutes to see how things were going. She said things were under control and then lowered her voice.

"Dad, what did you say to mom before you left? She's been a nervous wreck since you've been gone. Not sad or depressed, just hyper. She can't seem to stop cleaning, or cooking or anything to keep busy."

"I took your advice and told her we have to talk. I asked her to make some time alone with me when I get back so we can deal with things. I think we'll go over to her parent's place and just talk."

"That explains it. She's really a wreck dad. I hope you can do this without destroying her. She's not in a good place right now and hasn't been since the accident. You have to do something to finish this. If you can't find it in your heart to forgive her, you'd better be very careful. Just a warning."

"I can't promise anything Jessie. I'll just have to hear her side of things and then go from there. But, the trip was good so I'm in a good mood. That should help."

We finished and I boarded the plane for the trip home. If things stayed on schedule, I should be home by six thirty or seven. I needed a good night's sleep since last night was light on sleep and heavy on physical activity! On the flight, I went back over the night before in my mind. The first question I asked myself was 'Did I feel any guilt?' The answer surprisingly was no. Not because I thought of it as getting even, rather it was something I had to do to answer a question for myself. One that Paula couldn't answer. I knew that it had done all I hoped it would do and I enjoyed it in the process. I reached into my shirt pocket, retrieved her card and looked at it before folding it and putting it away again. 

I landed and drove home to my apartment. I unpacked, took a hot shower and laid down on my single bed. I wanted to think about tomorrow and make my plans, but before I could even begin, I fell sound asleep. I was not a kid and the night before had taken its pleasant toll on my body. I slept straight through till the next morning, rising only to empty my bladder. I woke feeling refreshed and contented. 

A call into work to tell them the job was finished and that I was going to finish the work at home. I would have all the specs ready Monday morning for the design guys. No problems there so I had a four day weekend coming. Next, I called my home to speak to Paula. She should be there and Jessie should be at her classes. Jim was probably working on his rehab with the tech that came over every morning. As the phone rang, I considered what I should say. 

"Hello? This is Paula speaking. Can I help you?" Paula sounded very businesslike. I knew she received a lot of calls during the day from the woman who was dealing with her parents' businesses, the clinic, the nurses office, the drugstore and others. She was dealing with the whole thing very efficiently. 

"Hi Paula, it's me. I just wanted to let you know I'm back and ready to meet with you at your convenience. I don't have to be back to work until Monday. So, if you've made any plans?"

There was a pause and then, "When did you get back? I didn't expect you until tomorrow at the earliest. But, I don't have any plans so I'm free whenever you are."

"It's fine Paula. We'll just make do whenever you're able. I'm in no hurry. Just let me know when you have everything arranged. You can call my cell. I'll give you the number." I waited until she was ready and gave her my cell number. I had changed it when I cancelled my cards and took my name off the accounts. She had neither my cell nor my apartment number. Both were unlisted anyway. 

I settled back to reflect on what I wanted to do. The first question I needed answering was why? Why had she cheated on me and why with John? I tried to consider my part in this. I worked too hard I knew, but I had always done that. I was home every night on time and I never went out 'with the boys' as they say. I never refused her anything she asked for and I tried to think of her when I made decisions. I could find no reason for her behavior. 

Next, I thought about our sex life. We had slowed down considerably in recent years and had come to a standstill about a year or so ago. I couldn't remember the last time we had sex. I knew it was months, not weeks or days. I wondered why I hadn't noticed. Was it no longer necessary? Well, my night with Lena told me that wasn't true. So why? I felt this was important. I knew it wasn't all Paula's fault. I was to blame as well. Maybe she needed more than I was giving her? Bull shit! She never said a word! But, neither did I! 

Finally, I had to decide if I wanted to go on without her in my life. That was the crux of the issue. Did I want to try to live my life from now on without her? Or, did I want to continue to grow old with her and make the rest of my life about the two of us? That was the big question. And if I wanted to continue with her, could I forgive her? I had no need to forgive John. I wanted nothing more to do with him. 

As I lay there on my couch with the TV droning in the background, I thought again about Lena and my night with her. I still felt no guilt. I only felt confident in that part of my performance. But wait! How long had it been since I made love to Paula like that? Did I ask her what she wanted? Did I extend our lovemaking into the night or just roll over and fall asleep? Things to think about. Damn! It would be so much simpler to just blame her for everything and let her rot in hell. 

It was about noon when I was awakened by the phone. It was my cell so I rolled off the couch and picked it up. "Hello?"

"Del, it's me. I'll be able to leave in another hour or so. I've made arrangements so that I don't have to be back here until tomorrow afternoon. If you want to meet me at my parents' home, I'll be there by 3:00. If that's alright?" 

"That's fine but I had no plans on staying overnight. If you want to that's fine, but don't expect me to be there."

"I understand. I just wanted to make sure we had time enough to do whatever you want. That's all, honest. I'm sorry if you thought I was making plans. I wasn't, honestly."

"I believe you Paula. I just wanted to be clear. I'll be there sometime after 3 then. I'll see you there. Goodbye."

Now that it was time to start this, I was struck by a feeling of total confusion. What the hell was I going to say? I knew I wanted answers to some questions but what questions? Why was the first, of course, but then? What did I want? Did I want her back? Shit! I had to have some plan of action, some idea of what I wanted. Didn't I? 

I took a shower, dressed in a casual shirt and slacks and wore my dress shoes. Paula always like me to wear the dress shoes, I have no idea why. She also liked the shirt I had on. Matter of fact, it was the one she bought me just a few months ago when she saw it on one of her shopping trips. I considered changing it, but then decided to go with it. I was ready to go and it was still two hours until 3:00. I was surprised at my feelings. Sort of nervous, anxious to start, jumpy but still in control. I was actually looking forward to seeing Paula and spending some time with her alone. Not to forgive her! No! Just to see her. After all, we had been married for almost a quarter of a century. We had kids together, so why not? It's hard to let all that go. It really is. 




Where Was She Ch. 02



I sat down at the table and waited. I could have started early but I didn't want to appear anxious to her. I had to project calm, control, but still portray myself as the victim of her actions. I didn't want to be a victim however. Maybe that was the wrong thing to project. I finally got up and went down to the car. I might as well take a drive as stay here and worry myself to death. I was driving myself nuts! 

Just after 3:15, early enough to convey concern but late enough not to appear eager, I pulled into the drive of her parents home. They had a small ranch home with a nice yard and a few trees to shade them. They had lived there for the past thirty five years and had never wanted to move someplace nicer. I had to admit, it was very comfortable and the furniture was first class. Margie had a flair for design and Henry was a good fixer. He did most of the work around the house himself while Margie kept the inside neat as a pin. Now that they were traveling, Paula would come over from time to time to make sure everything was OK. 

I knocked and Paula let me in. The first thing I noticed was that she looked incredible. She was dressed in a tan skirt that fit her like a glove. She had on a blouse that appeared to be silk and of a deep green color. I had never seen it before so I assumed it was new. Her hair was loose and flowing just the way I liked it. She never wore much makeup, since it was not needed with her clear skin and light complexion but now she had on a touch of lipstick. I walked inside as she closed the door behind me.

"You look very nice." Stupid but the only thing that came to me. I realized how nervous I was, but I was determined not to let her know.

"Thank you Del. I wanted to look nice for you. I hope you don't mind." She stopped, looked at me and then turned her eyes away. "Please excuse me, but I'm very nervous. Would you like to sit down in here or would you be more comfortable in the kitchen? I don't mind either." 

"The kitchen is fine. Maybe we could have some coffee or even a beer if Henry has any. Anything is fine." She nodded and walked toward the kitchen. I followed, watching her walk. I had always loved to watch her walk from behind. After all these years, I still enjoyed her figure. She had kept in shape, going to her stupid spa religiously. I used to think it was stupid, but watching her, I realized it had benefits. I glanced down at my own small pot belly and started to wonder. I remembered that John kept himself in shape too. 

"I brought some beer just in case. I'll get us one so why don't you sit down." 

I did so, watching her and thinking. Was that part of it? Was that why our love life had slowed down and almost disappeared? She was fit and still had a beautiful body. I, on the other hand, had let myself go. It was certainly clear now that I had the chance to see us together. Maybe she wanted someone more in tune with her. John was in a lot better shape than I was. Maybe she thought I didn't even notice her. I sure didn't tell her. I tried to remember the last time I had complimented her. Blank.

She slid the beer in front of me, just the bottle, no glass, my way. She poured hers into a glass, sliding it down the side to avoid foam as she always did. I used to like to watch her do that. Now, as I watched, I felt some of my calm and control slipping away. The comparisons I had been making in my mind weren't flattering to me. As a matter of fact, I began to see why she might have wanted something different. 

As I was letting these thoughts slowly erode my calm, she decided to make the effort. I was lost in thought and had to ask her to repeat what she said.

"I just thought it would make it easier if you were to ask me the things you wanted to know. I don't know where to start otherwise. Would that be alright?"

Would that be alright? Hell, I had so many questions that I didn't know where to start either. I decided that now was the time to ask the $64,000 question. I took a deep breath, held it and finally let it out. 

"Why?" It all came down to that. All my uncertainties, all my doubts, all my insecurities could be summed up in that one word. "Why did you do it? Was I not enough for you anymore? Did he give you something I couldn't? What?"

It had to be the first question she expected but she still seemed uncertain how to answer. There was a shudder, a look of panic and then a stillness came over her. It was now or never.

"There are a number of reasons, at least as far as I can say. I've thought about nothing else for weeks now. I've asked myself the same question over and over and I have offered myself many reasons but none are justifications. So, the first thing I have to say is that what I did was inexcusable. I have no justification for what I did and I am ashamed. But you have to know right now, that you did nothing to make me do what I did. He is not you and I know that. I think that was something I forgot."

Paula was looking at the table, at her hands folded in front of her. There were no tears yet but her face was pinched and her shoulders were hunched forward, showing clear signs of unbearable tension. She gave a little shudder and continued.

"You and I haven't made love for almost a year. You never come to me anymore and you never touch me, never hold my hand or touch my shoulder. You've not held me, or hugged me to show me you still love me. It's like we live together, sleep together but have no contact."

I was ready to yell at her, tell her she was wrong, that it was not my fault. I wanted to, but she was right. I knew that. I had told myself that as well, but it was not a reason to cheat on me. That's what I was about to scream at her when she said, "But that is not all your fault and it is certainly no reason to do what I did. My betrayal is my fault, and it's not because of you."

"John and I have been very close since his divorce. At first, he was inconsolable, almost a broken man. Even though he knew it was his fault, he still loved Estelle and he was heart broken when she filed for divorce. I tried to comfort him and he needed me. It was never anything but friendship. He never tried to do anything with me."

"But, as time passed, we grew to be close friends and we began to talk about our lives. He confessed that Estelle had stopped making love with him when she began to suspect his infidelity. As we talked, I began to confess our problems: that you and I had stopped making love and that it had been some time. John was very concerned and he began to intimate that it was your fault. That maybe you were involved with someone else."

Now it started to come clear. My brother, that son of a bitch, had tried to convince my wife that I was cheating on her. I was furious. I had to say something. "That's a bunch of bull shit and there was never any reason for you to suspect me of anything. I never cheated on you and never even considered it!"

Paula looked down again and hunched her shoulders as if I had struck her. "I know that! I never believed it and I told John that. He finally gave up on that and then started to tell me that if were him, he would never ignore me. That was different. It worked on my ego and I listened to that. He complimented me, he admired my figure, he began to ask me to have lunch with him and sometimes dinner when you were traveling. He just became a close friend."

Now she looked up at me. "But John continued to flatter me and then he started to make suggestions, suggestions about he and I. I refused and I told him to stop but I never fought very hard. Part of it was that I wanted to keep him as a friend. I came to treasure our time together. I was lonesome, since you and I were drawing apart. But he took advantage of that to continue to persuade me that we should make love. He finally convinced me, and after you left for those two days in Chicago, I agreed."

I was now about to hear what actually happened. Although I knew, I wanted to hear it from her. I wasn't sure I could stand it but I had to hear her tell me she and my brother slept together. 

"I let him talk me into going to a motel with him. I refused to have him in our home and I didn't want to go to his apartment. He agreed and got a motel room. He got it the first day you went but I backed out twice before finally agreeing. It was the last chance and I was tempted so I said I would meet him. That was the night Jim had his accident. That was the first and only time. I swear to God!"

I listened and I began to understand. She had betrayed me and our family but it was not what I believed. If she was being honest, my brother had a major hand in all of this and I believed that it was always his intent to betray me. He knew what he was doing and he did it anyway. He knew! John was my brother but I knew him for what he was. A predator! That cost him his own marriage and now he was trying to destroy mine. He was mostly responsible but for Paula, it was still a betrayal and she knew it now and probably did even at the time. But, I still don't know why she went through with it. I asked her.

"If what you say is true, why did you do it? I understand the influence John had, the friendship you valued, the suggestions of unfaithfulness on my part, all of that. But in the end, why did you go to that room with him? Why did you agree to betray me?"

Paula was sobbing steadily now. Her head was down and her shoulders were shaking with the intensity of her grief. As the story came out, her distress increased. She was shaking her head back and forth as if to deny it but she finally responded. "I don't know! I just don't know why. That's what is killing me. I don't know why I went. He took me right away and I lay there, not understanding why I came. I let him have me but I can't even remember it. He just pleasured himself while I lay there. After he was done I felt like I was going to be sick. I ran into the bathroom and stayed in there for over an hour before I came back out. I just wanted to leave but I had to face him again. He wanted to do it again but I couldn't! I refused and he got angry. I didn't care. I just wanted to forget it and pretend it never happened. I curled up on the bed as he yelled at me and I think I passed out. At least I don't remember anything more until I woke up later and saw he was asleep. I dressed and left. I had just gotten home when you called."

Now I had to ask. "Wasn't I enough for you? Was I so bad that you just stopped wanting to make love? I know John is much bigger than me. Was that it? Was he a better lover than me?"

"No! You can't believe that! I never wanted anyone but you! You were always a perfect lover and I treasured our life together. You did nothing to make me do what I did. Nothing! And John is not a better lover than you. Don't believe any different! I understand now that it was you I wanted, but you weren't there and hadn't been for some time. That's no excuse but I know that now in my heart." 

Now I had to tell her the truth. It was time and it was necessary. "I have to tell you something. Something that happened in Phoenix. I met someone. A woman. Her name was Selena. We spent the night together and we made love. It was very good, but we won't see each other again."

Paula listened and I saw her face pale. Her eyes grew large and she caught her breath when I told her. I could see the pain cross her face and I felt a surge of pleasure. Now, she could feel what I felt. She could live with betrayal just as I had. I hoped she felt what I felt when I saw that overnight case and heard her first lie on the phone. The pain is not something that can be described. She had to feel it like I did.

She drew a breath and looked directly at me. "To punish me? Is that why you did it? I guess I deserved that. I have no right to judge you after what I did. I guess I pushed you into it."

"Actually, that's not the reason. I would never do that just to get back at you. I never wanted to punish you or cheat on you but I had doubts. Doubts about my manhood. My performance. Whether I was good enough for you in bed. You put those doubts in my head and in my heart. When you cheated on me with my brother, it made me wonder if he was a better lover, a better man in bed. I wondered if I had let you down and you needed more. I had to find out for myself."

"No! No, you can't believe that! I told you! You were always perfect for me. I never wanted more! Oh, God, what have I done?"

"But don't you see Paula? Your actions suggested otherwise. I thought you wanted something from John that I didn't give you. I had to know for myself if I was lacking in the bedroom. I found out that I wasn't! Lena showed me that it wasn't a failing on my part. She enjoyed me and what we did. She praised me! Lena made me feel good about myself! Something you haven't done for some time. And she made the doubts go away. Doubts that you put inside me."

Paula' voice rose as she all but shouted, "I know! I know and I'm sorry. You can't know the shame I feel right now. Shame for everything I did and said and how I treated you for the past year. And the fear that I had caused the damage to our son. I wanted to die when I heard you on the phone that night. The pain I felt with your words was almost indescribable. Then later, I blamed myself for his condition for so long, until the doctor finally convinced me that it would have made no difference if I had been there. But I knew it would have made a difference. If I hadn't been with John, I would have been there and our marriage wouldn't be in shambles."

Now she pulled herself together and faced me squarely. "John was not a better lover than you in any way. What he and I did had nothing to do with love or intimacy or sharing. I think now it was a fear of losing his companionship for me. He had convinced me that this was necessary to maintain our friendship. I know that sounds stupid now. I can't tell you what his motive was. But that's the truth. I never wanted any other man but you. I should have told you that."

I shook my head and replied, "Why should I believe you now? You lied to me and betrayed me so why would I believe anything you said? How can I believe you, especially about that?"

The pain in her face told me that she understood finally. Why I had to find out for myself and that she had forced me into doing something like that. "I do understand and I don't blame you. You can't trust me now so anything I tell you is suspect. I guess there is no longer any basis for trust. So, do we try to go on from here? Is there any chance for our marriage if you can't trust? That's not a marriage, I know that. Can you live that way?"

I stared at her for the longest time. Trying to see the girl I had married, the woman she had grown into, the mother of my children. I wanted to see that, but instead I saw a woman who betrayed me. And with my brother. I tried. I honestly tried, but I couldn't see that other woman. Maybe I couldn't any longer. 

"I don't know. I just don't know. I'm having a problem seeing you the way I used to. I keep seeing my brother's face, laughing at me. And I see you standing beside him. It's a vision I can't stop."

Paula slumped down in her chair with her face buried in her arms and wept openly now. Her sobs were heart wrenching and I wanted to go to her and take her in my arms and hold her until she stopped breaking my heart with her pain. But I told myself that I couldn't do that. I told myself that I was the wounded party. That I was the victim here. I felt the glow of righteousness! My self pity and my pride were my banners, shining brightly!

But then, as I watched her, knowing her pain and believing for the first time that she was sorry and ashamed and trying with all her being to make things right again, I asked myself why I couldn't do just that. Were those things, my pride and my ego, so important to me? Could I live with those to comfort me and share the rest of my life with me? Why couldn't I hold her and share the pain we both bore. We had shared so much over the last twenty four years why couldn't we share this? 

In a sudden burst of clarity, I realized that Jessie was right. This was up to me. Our future was up to me. Paula had recognized her mistake and openly regretted it. She was looking for forgiveness from me and was ready to do whatever it took to save what we had together. She had made her commitment to me but I was the one not willing to accept it. It was up to me! I searched my heart for the right thing to do. Did I want what she was offering? Did I want to continue in my marriage with Paula and to grow old with her? Could I forgive? More important, could I forget! And did I want to do the hard work to find out why we lost whatever it was that we had that gave us twenty four good years? The answer was clear.

I rose and walked over to her. I stood beside her as she sobbed and I put my hand on her shoulder. Just a touch, just a small beginning, but when she looked up, I saw her eyes, full of tears beginning to widen. Just a little, a tentative look to see if what she had hoped for was actually there. I smiled into her eyes and watched them begin to glow. She stopped crying, wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and stood. I opened my arms and she moved into them with a sob, but this time one of happiness. I took her tight against me and let my own tears begin. 

Epilogue

Nothing worth while ever comes easily or without a fight. I moved back to the house and Paula and I fought to save what we had. We asked ourselves why we had drifted apart and we vowed never to allow it to happen again. We went for counseling but most of the work had to be ours. We knew what we had to do and we did it. We had some rough spots and at one time, I moved out of the house and back to my apartment but that only lasted a week. Paula was the one that came to me and brought me back. We worked through it and finally came out the other side stronger and more dedicated to each other.

After a hard fourteen months, we renewed our vows in a small ceremony with our two children, Paula's mom and dad and just a few friends. My brother John was not invited and he did not attend. I haven't spoken to him since that day in the hospital. He did send a card, postmarked Costa Rica, but no other return address. I don't care to ever see him again. Paula never mentions him at all.

Jim finally went back to college but as feared, he couldn't continue. He is on disability but he has begun to write some and hopes to be published some day. He lives by himself now and is doing well. Jessie went to France to continue with her training and some of the critical reviews I've read indicate she may have a good future as a designer. I'm pulling for her. Paula and I sold the house and moved into a smaller place, closer to Lake Erie and we came to appreciate the water. Since I work less hours now, we have more time for each other. We took up sailing together and are planning to buy a nice sloop. Someday.