79 comments/ 89150 views/ 39 favorites Ugly American Ch. 01 By: cpete Three Parts already submitted. Thanks to mikothebaby for her editing magic. +++++ What is worse than having the flu so bad you can barely get out of bed? Not being able to locate the TV remote, when you have the flu so bad you can hardly get out of bed. And what is worse than having the flu so bad you can barely get out of bed, and no TV remote? Having the flu so bad you can barely get out of bed, and no TV remote, and your wife of 13 years leaving the TV on some inane Woman's Morning Talk show! As I lay in bed debating if the expender of energy was worth changing the TV channel to Sports Center. On TV, the female talk show host was praising some author pimping a new book. The two ladies did the hug and cheek kiss routine, which always reminded me of two prizefighters shaking hands before a match, then author then launched into a spiel for her book. "A mere 16 days after my youngest son's third birthday, I walked out the door of my Brooklyn, N.Y. brownstone with one piece of luggage. I was leaving my family. Two sons, age 5 and 3, and my childhood-sweetheart husband, my partner for 20 years. I had been awarded a grant to live in Japan for six months to interview the survivors of the atomic bomb. It was an honor that my husband had encouraged me to apply for, and we were in complete agreement, in fact he insisted, that I should go." "How exciting for you!" the TV host exclaimed. "You would think." continued the author. "But while I was in Japan I would get a phone calls from my husband saying that the kids had throwing up all night, and were pillows washable? I didn't like that -it was very unpleasant. I then found I like being out on my own. Just me being my own person. Not labeled someone's wife or mother. I had this idea about motherhood that it was just going to take me over, completely swallow me up, and now I saw it was true. What began as a research trip, turned into a journey of immense self-discovery, that ultimately caused me to put an end my 20-year marriage." "Wow that was so brave of you to finally act on your true feelings." The host prompted. The author sighed before continuing . "Everybody has their own choices, but my choice works for me. I think it's not so selfish for women to say 'okay, I would like to have my own priority, I would like to have something in my life, I would like to be able to do my job,'" she said. "I've had a lot of women write to me to say 'thank you for telling your story,'. They may not have the exact same story, but they've been ambivalent, they've struggled." The host was nodding her head like a bobble doll, than chimed in. "Women feel pressured to get married, have children because that's what they're 'supposed' to do. I feel bad for you, because you obviously felt that pressure. Maybe thought it would be different than what it really was. At least you have the courage to do the responsibl¬e thing, leaving instead of being miserable, dragging your family into misery." If I had not had nausea from the flu, this babble from the TV would have made me vomit. "When the kids came to visit me it was a disaster." The author continued. "I had no idea what to do with these bouncing balls of energy. Even feeding them, finding them a bathroom, was a challenge. After a mere four months on my own, I found that I no longer wanted to be a "full-time mom." The host took the author's hand in sympathy. "That must have been a very hard decision for you." The camera went in for a close up, as the authors kept talking on. "A male full-time caretaker is a 'saint,' but a female full-time caretaker is a just another 'mother.' It is an equation we do not question; in fact we insist on it. We punish the very idea that there are other ways to be a mother. I believe that by not being there all the time, I am now a better mother to my children." "I know our audience has some questions." The host said, as the camera cut to a standing young women, with a mic being held in her face." "I love your book." The young lady began. "I have two children age 4 and 7. I have been offered a medical residency, but it is in another state, this will mean being away from my family for a year. What should I do?" "I cannot make that decision for you." The author began. "But why not go for it? Look at it as a win-win situation in your favor. You get a year to be yourself, a chance to decide if you want the whole family, Mommy thing. If so --then you just go back home. If not, you are that much farther in your career, without the anchor of kids, and husband holding you back." "Yes." The host broke in. "You can always go back to hubby, and kids if you change your mind years later down the road. I mean seriously, what's hubby going to do -turn down your return? It is not as if a divorced Dad with two kids is a babe magnet. You on the other hand, will be a young, successful, single, unattached medical professional, with lots of future prospects." That was it- I couldn't take this noise anymore. Summoning up a reserve of strength, I launched myself off the bed, changing the channel to Sports Center. +++++ A few days later Anita my wife and I were doing dishes after dinner. Our son AJ was in the living room working on his schoolwork. I began to give Anita a hard time about leaving me with no TV remote control, when I sick in bed earlier in the week. I reviled her about the talk show, and book pusher I was forced to endure. "Oh she is my FAVORITE author!" Anita blurted out-surprising the heck out of me. "Darrin I so much enjoy her writings. She is such a valiant, bold, courageous lady." "Anita please tells me you did not pay money for that piece of drivel." "Darrin it is not drivel! I'll have you know the first time I read her book, I checked it out of the library. Then I enjoyed it so much, I went to meet her at her book signing, buying a copy of her book to sign." When I made a face, Anita added. "I used the gift card your mother got me for Christmas." "Jeeze Anita." I began. "Wanting to meet an author because you like their work, is like wanting to meet a duck because you like pate'." Anita laughed, she had that high musical tone that I loved so much. I put away the last dish before speaking to her. "OK Anita for the 'Special Needs' member of us in the class, that takes the short bus to school -can you explain to me what you found so fearless about a mother walking out on her two preschool children, and marriage of twenty years." "Darrin you have to read the book to understand. She had to leave her children to be a better mother. Do you know that now when she has time to be with her children, she never takes phone calls or texts. For those 4 or 5 hours, she totally devotes her full attention to the children." "Damn Anita she is a regular Good Housekeeping 'Mother of the Year'." I said with sarcasm. "It's like somebody who adopts kittens, realizes that they are work, and drops them at an Animal Shelter. Somebody who dumps their kids because they want to "realize" something is a selfish flake. Putting somebody like that on TV is like putting somebody on TV who likes raising dogs to fight them." Anita slapped me playfully with the dishtowel. "Forget about that part Darrin. I got into her part about traveling the world, meeting different people. You know what we were going to do before..." Anita tapered off and pointed with her chin toward AJ in the living room. We had been high school sweethearts. Anita and I had married, when I knocked her up during a R & R from my first, and only Navy hitch. We did the right thing, getting married. AJ our son was a blessing, we saved and scrimped to put together a nest egg. We had planned to travel the globe for a year, showing AJ the world, while enjoying our time together as a family. At 4 years old AJ was diagnosed with cancer. Our life became a worrying blizzard of tests, treatments, hospitals and specialists. The insurance from my small company was not very good, the medical bills almost broke us. We sold everything we had of value, begged or borrowed any money we could. I got second, and third jobs to pay for top specialists, the best medical care. One of my jobs, a weekend gig cleaning grease traps -was the worse. I never seemed to rid of the smell. But that dirty job got me waste oil I converted to biodiesel. This saved us on fuel costs for our one shared car, a used rusty VW Jetta. We had sold off Anita's car, and my truck, in effort to add funds that gave AJ a fighting chance at survival. AJ beat the cancer-then relapsed. Adding to the misery, Anita's parents passed away. As an only child this whole ordeal was a lot for her to bear. We gave up our home, moving into my Moms house. More treatments, more chemo, and more bills. Then the miracle happened --AJ defeated the malignant cells. He was now cancer free for over three years-at 10 years old AJ was a typical preteen boy. I became "Mister Dad" --the scoutmaster, school parent, even being coach on every team, every sport AJ was on. I did not want to miss a minute with my son. I was not a great athlete, but as the saying goes "Those that can Do. Those who can't -Coach." When Mom retired to Florida, Anita got a job, so we had a more normal life. Together we were chipping away at the mountain of debt, but sill managing to salt away some savings. I grabbed Anita around the waist giving her neck a kiss. "Anita you have been through a lot, but we need to be patient. We will get there, it is just going to take a little more time, let's get this debt down some more before heading off to Bora Bora." Anita gave me a sad smile. "I know Darrin, it's just hard. I don't want us to end up like my parents -with empty passports, always planning, but never going anywhere. They died with a box full of travel brochures, living off the postcards of others." We had this conversation countless times, so I tried to inject some humor into the situation. "Anita most folks travel to faraway places, to look with fascination at people, and customs, they would ignore at home." This always got a laugh out of her, but not this time. I tried a more serious note. "You know I want AJ to see the world beyond his laptop, but we'll do this as a family." "OK Darrin" Anita said giving me a kiss +++++ The distinguished older lady, sitting across my kitchen table, had just crumbled my world. She was the wife of Wesley Stanford, one of the three partners at the real estate law firm Anita worked at. Originally a small outfit, they had expanded greatly during the housing boom, adding staff, and offices at an alarming rate. They had expanded into home inspections, insurance, even household moving, and repair. Anita had gone from being a part time temp, filing papers to a full time assistant, in less than two years. Six months ago Anita came home so excited, announcing she had been chosen to help with a seminar being put on by her firm. Anita would be travelling to the capital, to assist her boss Wesley --who was speaking on new ways to get mortgages to buyers who normally would not qualify. Our state capital was not exactly Paris, or London, -but to a small town girl like Anita, it might as well have been. For the past half year now, at least once a month, Anita accompanied her boss Wesley, who had been speaking at conferences around the state. Wesley was in big demand on new exotic mortgages. Anita said it gave the firm great exposure, touching a new client base. Apparently that was not all Anita had been touching. In front of me on the table, were copies of four Hotel registration sheets. Each one was in my wife Anita's neat handwriting, they read, 'Mr. and Mrs. Wesley Stanford." "Surely there is some explanation." I asked the lady in front of me. Maybe they were suites with several bedrooms..that kind of thing." I was grasping at straws. She looked at me, giving a sigh. "I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but these are single rooms with one bed. Wesley is too cheap to spring for anything nicer, as he would have to explain the additional cost to the firm. As you can see Wesley even cheapen out on the Hotels, these barely make AAA's ratings." I was grasping at straws. "Are you sure it was Anita? She took a deep breath before answering. "Darrin you seem like a nice man, with a fine family. I just thought you should know what your wife has been doing on these seminars with Wesley." I looked over the papers again, as she continued. "As for me I have already been down this road once with Wesley, when he turned forty. Back then it was hair plugs, a flashy sports car and screwing the secretary after hours. When I busted Wesley then, he agreed to a post nuptial agreement. It pretty much leaves him nothing, if I caught him stepping out again. I am 63 years old, and have no intention of going thru that again, or staying with his lying ass." She stopped to look at me. "Darrin, I only have definite proof of Wesley with your wife, these past four trips. There are photos also I can make available. Nothing graphic, just kissy face -lovely dovey touchy feely stuff. But if you have any thoughts of saving your relationship, I would not look at them." She got up, collecting her purse to depart. "I am serving papers on Wesley the minute he tries to walk in the door today from this trip. I leave it up to you if you wish to repair, or abandon your marriage." She put her hand on my shoulder. "I wish you the best of luck on your decision." I walked her to the door, than slumped back into a chair at the kitchen table. I was still in the same spot hours later, when Anita walked into the house, wheeling her luggage, while holding a computer laptop bag. Thanks God AJ was at my brothers for the weekend. My brother had twins that were home schooled and AJ's age also. AJ thought spending the time at his cousin house playing video games, watching DVDs, were just this side of Heaven. "Hi" Anita said breezing in, giving me a quick kiss. "What are doing you doing sitting at the table?" I ignored her question, than asked in a monotone voice. "How was your trip?" "Same old same old." Anita said opening the refrigerator "Interest rates this, Deductions that." "How about the hotel, how was the room?" "About the same." Anita sat down from me with a soda in her hand. "Nothing special. Why do you ask?" "Must have been something special in the room. What kind of beds?" I inquired. Anita gave me a face. " Um.. I don't remember..maybe couple of double beds I guess. What kind of question is that?" "Must have been crowded in the one bed for you and Wes then, Anita. Or did you only screw in one bed then sleep in separate beds after banging each other?" "Darrin his name is Wesley. And what are you talking about?" Anita said as a look flashed thru her eyes. "Nothing is going on. This was a seminar for God's sake. I go on them about once a month now. You know that, you agreed to it. Stop being dense." "How long you been fucking Wes?" I asked pushing the Hotel forms across the table at Anita. "Or should I call you Mrs. Wesley Stanford." Anita picked up the Hotel papers, leafing through them one at a time. She then pulled a cell phone from her purse, pressing a speed dial. Turning away from me she spoke into the receiver. "Wesley -yes it's me. It's about Darrin ..he knows." A pause. "What? -she did what? Served you right there?" another pause. "OK then I guess we got to do it now. I'll be waiting for you." Anita closed her phone, then turned to faced me. "Darrin it was not supposed to be this way. I wanted more time to prepare you for this. I just didn't..didn't have my exit strategy fully planned out yet. Looks like I'll going to have to wing it with what I got now though." I was still in a state of shock as Anita retrieved her suitcase. "It's not your fault Darrin. I love you and AJ, but I just not in love with you anymore. I need to get away-go places. You'll see it will be better this way. I can allocate a lot more time and attention to AJ as a part time mother then I can now." I was surprised I could speak. "Anita you can rationalize it any way you want. You are doing nothing but abandoning your son and family for a man old enough to be AJ's grandfather. Does the viagra make Wesley that good in bed?" I could see I hit a nerve as Anita flinched. "Don't go there Darrin, It has nothing to do with sex. Those occasions never took away from my time with you or AJ. I only starting sleeping with Wesley a couple of times at the last few seminars,-no other instances. And really only then because..well..it just seemed like the thing to do. You know for all the places he was taking me. " "Anita are you telling me you whored yourself out for frequent flyer miles?" Anita waved her hand at me before answering. "I don't want to talk about that Darrin. Just know that I will be there for you and AJ whenever I can." "You intend to be a part time wife also." Anita bit her lip and looked at her watch before answering. "Darrin we can still be friends. We have been together for almost 12 years. That should count for something." "Judas was one of Jesus first and longest apostles. Did his seniority matter in that betrayal?" Just then Anita's cell phone tinged signaling a text message. She looked down, then grasped the handle of her luggage rolling it to the door. I saw a white Lexus pull up to the curb as Anita opened the front door. She turned to me. "Darrin it's time for me now, this is something I need to do. We'll always have our memories. I'll send you postcards." ++++++ I called my brother, explaining what was going on. He instantly agreed to keep AJ for the day. I spent the rest of the weekend in a stupor. I called in sick on Monday so I could make plans. I was trying to figure out what to do. Cancel credit cards? Get the money out of the bank? Contact a divorce attorney-if so who do I hire? A million decisions but I was frozen in place. My whole world was upside-down. It's as if I had lost all equilibrium, was off balance. The front door bell interrupted my thoughts, I almost welcomed the break from my contemplations. Surprise surprise-looking thru the peephole I saw my wife's boss Wesley on porch with two other guys. "Jesus H Christ" I muttered. "Just when I thought things could not get worse." "Hold on a second!" I yelled thru the door. I wanted to take a minute to get my act together, I had no idea why this A-hole was on my porch but I wanted to be prepared. It took more than a second, but finally I was pretty sure I was half way organized, or at least I was somewhat ready. Taking a deep breath I opened the door. Wesley was standing there flanked by two guys. A large panel van with a lift gate was at the curb, I could see a white Lexus parked in the driveway. Wesley looked every inch the successful lawyer decked out in a suit, salt and pepper mane, with every hair in place. His two companions' resembled refugees from a gym, as both guys were huge with bulging muscles, one had a tee shirt on from some weight lifting establishment. "Darrin." Wesley began speaking. "I have come to remove your wife's personal belongings from the residence." He held up a sheet of papers in one hand, then tried to hand me a folder with his other hand. I made no move to accept the documents, which seemed to irritate Wesley. "Look Darrin let us try to make this as painless as possible. I have brought some movers from the office with me. Anita has given us a detailed list so we will be in and out quickly." Wesley motion to the two monsters who began to move forward. I put up my hand to stop their motion while addressing Wesley. "Listen Wes." I purposely called him Wes- recalling my wife Anita telling me how Wesley hated that version of his name. "This is my house, and I am not giving you or your boyfriends permission to enter-let alone remove possessions from my home." Ugly American Ch. 01 Wesley looked annoyed as he pulled out a paper from the folder, then held up the official looking form with a seal at the bottom of the page. "This is a notarized document from Anita that allows us to remove said contents from this dwelling. Now pleased step aside so my movers can do their job." "Well Wes your name is not on the house deed, in this state a man's home is still his castle." I saw that Wes and his guys were making no effort to leave. "So I am asking you to take your hired beef minions, and get off this property before the police arrive." Wesley just smirked. "Darrin I am an officer of the court. I am telling you to make way before I have you arrested." I figured Wesley was bluffing so I held my ground. "Wes you're just a frigging real estate lawyer not a law enforcement officer. Unless I see a metro cop with a warrant, -you and your muscle headed boy toys can hit the road. I am not letting you in this house, -again I am asking you to leave." The bigger of the two guys-a bald headed hulk spoke up. "Look Pal just get outta the way. I don't have time for this bullshit. Now move, before I make your ugly mug sorry you were born." I tried to look amused as I addressed Wesley. "You better get your Conan the Barbarian clones home. They seem to be going thru steroid injection withdrawal, getting cranky." This pissed "Baldy" off, who stuck his massive arm into my chest shoving me backwards. I stumbled from the porch back over the threshold, ending up against the wall inside the house foyer. As I regained my balance "Baldy" was in my face with his companion and Wesley right behind him. Mustering more courage then I felt, I yelled "All of you get the Hell out of my house!" "Baldy" just chuckled. "I had enough of your crap Pal." With that he reached out with a limb the size of a tree trunk grabbing onto my throat. "I'm just gonna make sure you stay nice and quiet until we leave." He looked over his shoulder at his buddy. "Gonna be a light workout from the looks of it." Several thoughts went thru my mind, primary was I didn't want to pass out from lack of oxygen. "Baldy" had about six inches reach on me, I could only flail at his arm as he squeezed my throat. "Baldy" then pulled me in closer to him, getting a better grip, putting our faces inches apart. "Where is the big tough talk now Pal?" he hissed at me. In a movement so smooth it even surprised me, I pulled a gun out of my waistband. Placing the barrel against the left ear of "Baldy" I pulled the trigger three times in rapid secession. You ever fire a pistol off in a small tiled room? Damn it is LOUD. Sounds like a bomb going off. Both my ears rang as the gunshots echoed off the walls. Several things occurred almost instantaneously. "Baldy" released his hold, falling to the ground screaming, while holding his head with both hands. "Baldy's" companion froze, then backed up against the doorjam with his arms raised shouting "Don't shoot man! Don't Shoot!" And Wesley? He ran out the door. Wesley moved so fast I never saw him leave the house, just papers fluttering in his wake. Wesley may have had an urgent appointment as I saw his Lexus tear across the lawn. Wesley's car jumped the curb and sped down the street. "Baldy" was still rolling around yelling while holding his head. A stain was growing at his crotch, with a foul order competing with the gunpowder smell. I barked at the other guy. "Down on the ground! Face first! Hands behind your Head!" He complied, which surprised me as I really did not know if that really worked-but a lifetime of watching cop shows was all I had to go by. The gunshot echoes faded away. "Baldys" screams turned to moaning. I reached into my shirt pocket retrieving my cell phone, turning up the volume. A tinny voice was coming out of the cell phone speaker. "Sir can you answer me? Sir are you still on the line?" It was the 911 operator I called before answering the door. "Squad cars are on the way. Sir are you there? Sir are you there? Please answer me!" Hearing the voice on the phone "Baldy's" muscled buddy on the ground started yelling. "Send help! This Dude is Crazy! He's got a gun Man! This Dude is Wacko! He is going to kill us all!" Just then my son AJ appeared at the top of the steps. "Dad what the FUC..I mean what the heck happened!" His eyes were wide, taking in the scene of his Dad holding a gun on two men. "AJ go outside and wait for the police." My boy seemed frozen in place. "AJ!" I said sharply to snap him out his stupor. "Move now! Be careful not to knock over the video camera on the stair landing step." AJ cautiously made his way down the stairs. He steered clear of the video camera I had set-up that was still recording, threading his way past the two weight lifters before darting out the door. As you can guess it was tense when the Metro PD showed up. "Baldy" was transported to the hospital, while both Baldy's muscle buddy and I were cuffed, being placed in separate squad cars until things got sorted out. I endured a short but uncomfortable time sitting in the squad car before a grinning Metro Policewomen pulled me out, before removing the handcuffs. As I rubbed my wrists her partner held up an evidence bag with my gun in it. They both laughed, then she said. "You shot one guy, and held down another with a STARTER PISTOL full of BLANKS!" I shrugged. "My wife Anita never allowed guns in the house once AJ was born. I'm a volunteer assistant coach for my kids track team-had to use what was available." Now that the drama was over, my adrenaline rush was gone, I had to concentrate not to shake like a leaf. Addressing the female cop I asked. "When can I get that starter pistol back?-our team has a track meet on Saturday." They could not stop laughing. "What a set of balls! Bald Baby Huey could have crushed you like an eggshell. But after that blown out eardrum, his one ear is only good for hanging eyeglasses." "What happened to their boss Wesley?" I inquired. "Mister BIG?" The older of the two cops replied with sarcasm. "He headed straight to the police station from here. I understand he has a very different version of events then what our 911 operator heard." ++++++ Wesley attempted to spin some fabrication about me forcing everyone into the house at gunpoint, trying to shoot them all down in cold blood. Anita backed Wesley up that I was a jealous jilted husband, most likely had gone bezerk. The Detectives let Wesley and Anita talk for a while, even got Wesley to sign a statement on his version of events. I would have loved to be there when the Detective played back the 911 recordings, and he had not even seen the video recording yet. As they say the big camera eye tells no lies, but I was keeping that to myself for the moment. Wesley invoked his right to remain silent after hearing the 911 recording. I understand Anita scurried off to get legal reinforcements and bail money. What about me? Well I filed a TRO (Temporary Restraining Order) against Wesley and Anita that same day with the help of the Metro PD. The TRO was only good for 5 days until the hearing, but it gave me some breathing room, a chance to think. So you can imagine my surprise when I saw Wesley's Lexus parked in my driveway two days later. I do not know what to expect, but seeing Anita sitting at the kitchen table drinking wine was not one of my top ten guesses. "What are you doing here Anita?" I asked. "It is still my house too." Anita said motioning me to sit at a chair across from her. I kept standing. "You should not be here Anita. What I meant is -did you not the get the TRO?" Anita just waved her hand at me. "Oh do not be such a horses ass Darrin. If the judges youngest boy was not on same track team as our son AJ you never would have gotten that bogus restraining order." "Anita you are free to make that argument at the hearing on Thursday. The Judge felt that you --thru your lover boy Wes was a threat to my safety. So please leave." "His name is Wesley. Hear me Darrin-WESLEY." Anita was not in a good mood. "Did you really have to get him arrested? That was just spiteful. Do you know what kind of people there are in jail? He was there overnight, it was a real ordeal for Wesley." If this was not so tragic I would have laughed out loud. "Gee Anita I am sorry-what happened? Wes not play nice with the other crooks? Did Wes forget to keep his back to the wall or did he drop the soap in the shower? Have run in with some "harden" criminals." "This is not funny Darrin. Wesley could be disbarred." Anita took a drink, than seemed to calm herself before continuing. "Listen Darrin this has gone way too far. You think you hurt me by draining the accounts, plus canceling the credit cards?" She shook her head. "It was petty of you to have my cell phone turned off. Any judge is just going to make you give it all back, or force you to sell the house so I can get my fair share." Anita leaned forward on the table. "Let's end this vindictiveness now, get on with our lives. Wesley has agreed to pay for the divorce plus handle the paperwork, that way we do not have to have any other lawyers involved. You can keep the house, while I will take what was in the savings plus half of your 401K. Agree to this so we can file under irreconcilable differences. You can have primary care of AJ, we'll share joint custody-but I won't pay child support. You will only need to contribute limited alimony." I glanced down at my watch before answering. "Wow Anita I hope you do not think I am as dumb as I look. For starters Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse-it's just not going to happen. You make a decent salary plus whatever you get for screwing Wes." Anita made a face, but I continued. "I did not drain the saving accounts. Remember the prepaid college plan we enrolled in when AJ was born? I paid it off in full." "Darrin!" Anita sputtered. "You had no right to do that! That money was half mine. I had travel plans for my portion!" I leaned back in the chair. "Your signature is on the original contract with all the terms and conditions. I took the upgrade clause, opting for the full dorm package with health insurance and books, including fees." Anita took another drink before answering. "Well Darrin we'll just see what a judge says about that." I tried to keep a smile off my face. "Courts are concerned about what is in the best interests of the child Anita. What do you think a judge will feel is in the best interest of our son? Let's see-AJ's education on one hand, or you flying business class with your boyfriend on the other hand?" Anita was nonplussed, gesturing around the room. "So I guess you'll be willing to sell your boyhood home here or give up your 401K. Makes no difference to me, but make no mistake after 12 years I am not walking away from this empty handed." I took a breath before replying. "Anita I cannot stop you from leaving me and AJ to chase your dream of travel. But you are not going to trot the globe on our dime. Too bad you feel AJ's welfare is interfering with your exit strategy. You can walk away, run away, or hopscotch away because my 401K is already gone away. I used it to pay back some of the money Mom loaned us for AJ's medical bills. I see you are making no mention of the debt we owe." "Darrin if you want the house you should shoulder the debt." "Anita you know this house is not really ours don't you?" Anita's eyes narrowed before she answered. "What are you trying to pull Darrin? Your Mom GAVE us that money for AJs bills. I know she also gave us the house to live in when she moved to Florida, that makes it joint property." I got out of the chair, walked over to a drawer to pull out some papers, throwing them on the kitchen table. "Anita my Mom was a seamstress-she did not have that kind of money. Mom took out a 2nd mortgage on the house so we could have money for AJ bills. This house.." I tapped on the table. "..is still in Moms name. We have been only paying the loan each month. Mom willed us the house when she passes. But when I spoke to her yesterday- she was in fine health, alive and kicking." Anita drained her wine glass. "Darrin what has come over you? I know you are hurting, but this is for the best -why are you trying to punish me? You were never this malicious a person. We have been together for too long, to say nothing of all we have been through together. You are destroying all my plans, this being mean spirited isn't like you. It doesn't have to be this way, we...." The ringing doorbell interrupted Anita. I got up to answer, returning with two Metro Police officers. They were the same pair that had been at the house days earlier. I had called the number on the TRO paperwork when I first saw Wesley's car in the driveway. Anita was shocked when the Officers placed her in cuffs for violation of the Restraining order. "Darrin" Anita said to me in a panicky voice as she was read her rights. "You are not going to allow the Mother of your child...your wife to be arrested are you?" It was hard to see the women I once, and still loved be taken away, but there was nothing I could do. This was of her own making. "Look at it this way Anita, you wanted to be a part time wife and mother --this is the part of the time you're not my wife or AJ's mother." ++++++ The hardest part was explaining to AJ that his mother and I would no longer be together. After all AJ had been thru this was difficult for him to understand. I tried to explain that our family relationship was not over, just changing. This did not seem to help. Thank God for my brother and his family, they had always been there for me and this time was no exception. While I was going thru all the B.S. one encounters in a divorce they took AJ on outings with their kids, generally kept him occupied. Thus giving me time to adjust, lick my wounds. Several weeks had gone by, the hearing on the restraining order had been interesting. Anita's side had put a good spin on events but then her admitted relationship with Wesley, the 911 tapes, added to the Metro Police officers testament, led the Judge to extend the TRO for 60 more days to allow all parties to "cool off", as he had put it. Neither of us had filed any divorce papers yet. I had had no contact with Anita for three weeks, until a member of Anita's law office called to ask for an informal meeting. I found myself sitting in a diner across the table from a grandfatherly looking man who's business card identified him as the senior partner in my wife's real estate law firm. "May I call you Darrin" He began as I nodded my head. "I wish to see if we can come to some sort of resolution over the recent unpleasantness that has occurred." When I made no response he continued. "The firm is not at all pleased with the actions of one of our partners concerning your spouse. The resulting fallout has caused a distraction that is affecting both the quality and quantity of work product. Not to mention the non-billable allocation of resources we have had to devote to this disruption." "Yes I am too very sad about the beak-up up my family and end of a decade plus marriage. It was heartless of me not consider the firms condition." I said dryly. The man was unruffled, but tried a different tact. "I apologize Darrin, I did not mean to come off as uncaring. I have empathy for you situation. I have been married 42 years, and can only imagine what discomfort you must be going thru." He paused a moment as the waitress set down our coffee before continuing. "However I have the welfare of my employees to consider. Wesley was a top earner, so as distasteful as it is to you the disbarment, not to mention conviction of one of our senior partners would have negative consequences on innocent employees and their livelihoods, who had no part in this incident." I started to speak but he raised his hand to stop me. "Now wait Darrin, Let me put all the cards on the table. I know you wish to seek some measure of vengeance on Wesley for his part in the ending of your marriage. I have understanding of that feeling. But is it not sufficient to know that Wesley's wife is going to inflict much more financial injury on him then you can imagine. I do not mean to be crude or caviler, but marriages end every day. Life goes on." I took a sip of my coffee before responding. "Whenever someone says they are putting all their cards on the table I always make sure to look up their sleeves. While it is true that marriages end every day, it is also true that Attorneys get disbarred every day. Lawyers go to jail just as often. " I saw a small frown cross his face. "And you Darrin have admittedly made keeping Wesley out of jail much more difficult with your little video stunt." I laughed inwardly to myself. I had released the tape of the confrontation with Wesley and his gym pals onto the internet and to several TV stations in our area. It must have been a slow news week because the 15 second clip was the kicker comic ending on most all the local news shows. The sight of Wesley flinging papers into the air before fleeing the scene after the gunshots had a slapstick, almost cartoonish quality to it. Several stations had added wacky sound effects with Looney Tunes like music to make the video even more hilarious. A national cable show had featured the event in its "Stupid Criminal Tricks -Folly of the Day" segment. "Darrin you should be aware the Assistant State Attorney was not at all amused by you withholding that cinematic bit of information." I poured more sugar in my coffee. "If I read between the lies-you mean it killed the deal the ASA had cooked up to reduce the charges on Wesley to some minor misdemeanor. Perhaps a small fine, with no jail time. About the same penalty as a parking ticket. Am I right?" He kept a poker face but I knew I was on the money. "Look I may not have gone to college nor had four years of law school, but I have high friends in low places. I know how things work. Every profession has its own little fraternity. This is a small town. I figured Wesley would reach out to some contact that was in the 'Courtroom work group', to get some type of 'Professional Courtesy' handling. That video was my insurance that Wesley might get the same treatment as any other lawbreaker." "Well Darrin you certainly seemed to have acquired some leverage. However the purpose of this friendly chat is to see what can be done to make all parties whole. On that note what happened to Wesley's white Lexus? It was a leased company car, the firm is responsible for it. Although in the end it will be Wesley's liability if he allowed a non-lease holder to drive the automobile." I tried to keep the smile off my face. "You may wish to check the tow yards or maybe chop shops. I do recall seeing a white Lexus in my driveway after my wife Anita was arrested. But sad to say that car was heavily vandalized. Later some urban youths agreed to tow it away. I am sorry I cannot remember their names or anything." He gave a big sigh. "Darrin that was not wise, that type of action will have an effect on what we can do for you." With that he pulled out a pen, then wrote a figure on a napkin, folded the napkin, pushing the napkin across the table at me. I did not look at the napkin but wrote my own figure on a napkin, placing my written napkin in front of him. I saw his eyes open wide." "We are not a large organization Darrin. Surely you must jest, this number is outrageous." I could not resist the opening "I am not jesting and don't call me Shirley." Either he had never seen the movie "Airplane" or decided not to comment because he said. "Darrin I do not wish to spout legal advice, but you do understand we do not have any Alienation of Affection laws here in this state, nor does the firm have any moral clause or prohibition against what two consenting adults do on their own time. There is just no justification for a sum of this magnitude." Ugly American Ch. 01 I sat back in my chair before speaking. "This has nothing to do with my soon to be ex-wife Anita, and her consenting or not consenting. I intend to go after your firm in civil court for breaking into my house, trying to cause me bodily damage." "Darrin the firm had no knowledge of Wesley's actions that day, nor did we condone or approve of any such behavior of the people Wesley had contracted as a private matter between he and your wife." I adjusted my seat cushion, then answered. "Let's see if I got this right. A senior member, Wesley -of your firm shows up with two employees-also of your firm, in a moving van owned by your firm. Wesley was holding paperwork notarized by a firm's employee, for a firm employee, during business hours, and was acting as a supervisor with the two firm employees. Yet Wesley made no attempt to stop the assault by his two firm employees he managed. Hell Wesley unlawfully charged into my house, then refused to leave. I about got it right?" He motioned to the waitress for a coffee refill. "Darrin while I am not admitting Wesley may have acted rashly, civil court cases can sometimes take decades to play out." I shrugged. "I am not going anywhere, several law offices have already expressed an interest in taking this case on a contingency basis." I named a well know firm, that caused an intake of breath from him before I continued. "The question you need to ask yourself is how are you and the firm going to deal with the constant depositions, endless legal proceedings, not to mention court time, cutting into the bottom line? Think of it as a 'Stupid Tax', a fee or fine if you will -that Wesley, and your firm need to pay for allowing this to happen." "Darrin what are you looking for-Revenge? Take some friendly advice from an old man, it is not going to make you feel any better." "I am not looking for revenge. Just my little piece of Justice. Some say there is no justice-in or out of court. But in this country, Justice means you get a check. The way I understand it, the bigger the check, the more the justice." He picked up my napkin with the figure before looking at his watch --a very nice Rolex. "Darrin I will take your suggestion up with the other members of the firm." I got up to leave, pulling some bills from my pocket, throwing them on the table. "Just to make sure there is no communications error. That number is neither a suggestion nor open to negotiation. You may have the watch, but I have the time." ++++++ I thought I was in for a long legal battle. Yet Monday morning brought a court server bearing a thick folder that included divorce papers as well as a large check in the amount I have written on the restaurant napkin. A long contract was attached, so I spent the afternoon with an attorney friend. The contract had the firm admitting no guilt, but required I not interfere in any extracurricular legal matters of its senior partners concerning the event at my home. The divorce let Anita walk away with only her personal possessions and no attachments or funds, but she got half our debt. Joint custody of AJ -with me as primary caregiver. No alimony, or child support on either side. I was advised to sign the papers as quickly as possible. The Divorce was the best deal I could hope for. The check would pay off debts, get me and AJ some spending funds. As far as "interfere in any extracurricular legal matters of its senior partners concerning the event at my home." I could care less what happened to Wesley. It was the Assistant States Attorney's call anyway -not much I could do but make a lot of noise. Besides any man that takes your wife deserves her. I recall an old Groucho Marx saying that when a man steals your wife there is no better revenge then to let him keep her. I hoped that was true, at least I would at least get that Karma payback. +++++++ About a year had gone by since the divorce from Anita was made final. All visits with AJ were made thru my brother who had Anita pick-up and drop off AJ at his place. This was at my request. I still loved Anita, and I knew it would tear my heart out each time I saw her. I hoped some time with distance between us, would eventually lessen the pain. My brother and sister tried to fix me up on a few dates with some nurses at the hospital, but I was not ready for the dating scene. My right hand took care of most of my needs, the good thing about masturbation is at least you do not have to get dressed up for your date. However at the end you are just screwing with yourself. I threw myself back into working out to fight off depression. I found swimming to be relaxing, a good way to tire myself out so I could sleep at night. Our local gym had a nice indoor pool, I spend hours there just swimming laps, losing myself in the water. Naturally there was trouble in Paradise. AJ was at the age of normal teenage rebellion, then add in resentment at his mother.. well you had a combo for problems. It did not help that Anita kept sending postcards to the house of all her "travels". I had to laugh as they never seemed to venture beyond the tri-state area. No exactly the globe trotting I had expected. However these trips several times made Anita miss her scheduled visits with our son AJ, that built up his resentment toward her. I warned Anita thru my brother that if this kept up I was going to ask the court to give me sole custody of AJ. As much as AJ was upset with what his mother Anita had done to our family --her blowing off her visits with him were taking a toll-as with this last visit. I hung off the phone with my brother and swore to myself. "AJ!" I yelled "Come in here now please." AJ appeared at my door. "Yea Dad?" I motion AJ to sit down before I began. "I just got off the phone with your Uncle. He said your Mom was very upset with how you acted on your visit. You want to tell me what happened?" "Dad I hate going over there when Wes is around. That guy is a dick!" "AJ you do not call adults by their first name. No matter how you feel about that..man. He is your mothers friend and you should at least try to be civil." "See you cannot even say his name. He is still a dick Dad." I tried to speak but AJ rushed on. "Dad he said Uncle working at the hospital as a pediatric nurse was not real "manly". The assclown keeps making stupid comments about 'girly' jobs. I thought college made you smart. He is sooooo stupid." I was amused by that bit of information. My brother had a purple heart from the Gulf war. He had also been awarded the bronze star when his medevac chopper went down and he fought off an insurgent attack staying with the downed bird while keeping his wounded comrades alive until help had arrived. It was hard to keep a straight face after AJ little speech. "AJ I know you think that man is an idiot, but look at this as a lesson that college just makes you educated-it does not make you smart. Only a fool talks like that. We both know your Uncle is more manly then the Pittsburgh Steelers defensive line." AJ tried to say something , but I held up my hand to stop him. "AJ did you tell your Mom you were going to put her in a second tier nursing home in Mexico when she got old?" AJ grumbled something, so I told him to speak up. "Yea Dad --but their computer blows chunks. I think you gotta shovel coal into that relic to get it started. They don't even have a flat screen monitor! I try to use my laptop but the wi fi connection sucks-if the download speed was any slower we would be going backward in time." I let AJ vent for a while. When this whole visitation thing started I explained to AJ I would prefer he not give any information to his mother concerning my private life. I also let him know I did not wish to hear any details about Anita's life. However being a typical kid this just went in one ear and out the other. Between him and the details my brother kept letting slip from Anita's rants during her visitation pick/up drop off -I knew more then I cared to about my ex-wife's tribulations. For instance, Anita complained endlessly how Wesley's wife had really raked him over the coals with the post nuptial agreement. During the divorce he lost the house, forfeiting a large portion of his share of the business. Wesley's wife had sold her share to a group of venture capitalists-which had demanded some measures that did not sit well with the firm. The other partners had not been pleased with the "Stupid Tax", they were making Wesley pay for it out of his share of the profits and bonuses. This put a considerable crimp in Wesley's life style. Anita had threatened to go "Sexual Harassment" on Wesley if he did not put a significant carat ring on her finger. Anita was planning on the gala wedding she always wanted-our marriage event being a small family only affair. Wesley was fighting the "shotgun wedding", arguing for a week in Vegas, with a wedding chapel, due to financial constraints By now AJ had run out of stream, he was merely whining. "Dad I do not want to be in Moms wedding. It is the same day as the Salander swim meet. Can't I just skip this one and go to Mom's next wedding?' I had to cover my mouth to stifle a laugh. This was going to be a long conversation. +++++ You know the law of unintended consequences? How everything affects everything else-the butterfly flapping its wings causes a hurricane in the Caribbean kind of thing. Well mine started with a simple question from my Manager. "Darrin you got a valid passport?" "Sure both Anita, I and AJ got one before he got sick, then um well.." I just trailed off. My manager was a good guy, he had cut me a lot of slack during the marriage difficulties, so he just jumped right in. "Well look Darrin we just got an urgent call out from the suits at HQ. There was a car accident that injured our team from the South Florida Division. You are going to leave Friday to fill in with an engine job on a cruise ship." He grinned at me. "Not bad change of climate considering the weather." We were in his office so he motioned at the window outside where snow was piled up, while the temps were well below freezing. "Um thanks..I think. Why me?" I stuttered. My company has been bought out by a large Multinational organization a few years back. Why they would want a small specialty control machine engine shop in an even smaller northern town I could not understand. But I was grateful for the improved health care and benefits they brought. My manager leaned back in his chair. "Well you were in the Navy.." "I served one hitch and never left Pax River after training at Great Lakes. Hell I've never been on anything bigger than a dinghy." The Navy found I had a knack for tech stuff, so I spent my military career (If you could call it that) working on Jet engines at the base in Maryland. "So what." My Manager replied. "That's more then most guys, plus you do that biofuel thing, and this has to do with fuel additives -that kind of junk." "But Boss -I just brew biodiesel in my garage! I am not a professional or anything." "Darrin you do know that Professionals built the Titanic, while Amateurs build the Ark don't you?" He tossed a thick binder full of computer CDs at me. "You are the best programmer-slash-jet turbo tech we have. That combo makes you the one eyed King in the land of the blind." "Be serious." I pleaded. "I can't leave my son now." He leaned forward on his desk. "Darrin I know your situation, I have done my best to help you out. However I really need you on this one. Consider it a personal favor to me-calling in a marker if you want." I did owe him, so I nodded my head, looking down at the binder full of info I'd have to learn. "Oh Well" I thought "Either Be Good, Get Good, or Get Gone." +++++ I learned modern cruise ships no longer use diesel engines to turn shafts with blades at the ends. Some of the current breeds have jet turbines generate electricity that powers dual electric "Azipods" hung aft below the ship like outboard motors. Theses Azipods gave the ships great maneuverability, being able to turn 360 degrees, allowing these vessels to do a complete circle within itself, or even move sideways. While the electric jet turbines are cleaner burning then the diesels, the jet like fuel was far more expensive compared to diesel bunker fuel. Our company was testing out both camelina oil' & algae-based biofuel HRD-7. It required changes to complex sets of computer controlled varibles on the jet turbines. However a small fortune was at stake if our company could prove it works -as we also sold the controls, electric generator jet turbines, while also having a controlling interest in the biofuel refining for marine applications. Thus the reason I was seated next to a scowling senior engineer, originally from Scotland, named Shane MacIssac. I had referred to him as "English", which from his reaction was as bad an insult as one can give to a Scot. "Call me Mac you bloody fool." Mac told me as we sat on a plane for a set of flights headed to a port I had to look up on Google earth. "If you have anything to say-now would be the time to keep it to yourself. We are boarding a ship of the Royal Ocean line, She's called the ROYAL VIKING. " "God I hope I do not get seasick." I muttered Mac rolled his eyes. "This isn't no tug you stupid Yank. She's over one hundred thousand tons and is 17 decks high (16 as I found the ship had no deck 13). If she pulled aside your Statute of Liberty we'd be looking your Lady Liberty in the eye. This monster vessel has an indoor ice skating rink, Hospital, TV studio, nightclubs, conference center, movie theatre, shopping center, bars, everything you would expect from a small city-even a Farris wheel for the kiddies on the top deck, who have their own swimming pool by the way. The damn lifeboats alone are over 10 meters long-that is 30 feet to you Yanks, and they hold 150 passengers with supplies for a week." "Mac if this is such a big deal, why not just wait until later when your team heals up from the car crash?" "Couple of reasons laddie. Our company is not the only one in this race and we are already behind. We need to get a proven product out there on the market fast. The emphasis on "PROVEN". Ships captains and staff are a conservative lot, -leery of any new ideas. They don't trust nothing that could leave them dead in the water. Sometimes I think the damn blokes would still have sails on the ships. Second reason is it is tough to get berths on a good ship-them buggers is always full up. Any cabins they give to the likes of me and you is lost revenue. We had planed this trip way in advance because cabins would be open due to the ROYAL VIKING's repositioning and pirate fear." "Pirates? You mean like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean?" Mac rolled his eyes. "Have you looked at your plane ticket you dumb bastard? The port we are headed to is near the African coast. I'm talking about them Somalia Pirate buggers. Don't you watch the news? I be talking about the kind of pirates your Navy SEALs took out." Mac stopped a flight attendant asking for a drink before continuing. "I'm from Special Boat Service myself, still we all tipped a drink or two to them SEAL lads on that operation." "Shit Mac I didn't sign up to be walking the plank." I was getting a bit worried. "Now Darrin you need not be getting your panties in a wad. Our ship be so far off the coast them little pirate boats never be reaching us. Besides you being a young single cowboy there be plenty of lassies in the crew to keep your mind off any Somali Blackbeards. "Mac I not a cowboy. I never even been on a horse." "Just the same, you keep your pecker in your pants until we get the job done." Mac took a long gulp of his drink. "Did you bring the stuff I told you?" "Sure Mac." I answered. "What is all the candy and bottles of Aquavit for?" "Listen my young charge, four things are currency on a ship to get things done. Booze, Porn, Candy and Internet phone cards to call home off the ship." Mac reached in his pocket and pulled out a fistful of phone cards. "Our satellite division handles the data off the ship so we can hand these out. The ROYAL VIKING's officer staff is Norwegien and the Aquavit gets us a lot of goodwill with the Captain, Staff Captain, and Chief Engineer. If this was a Greek flagged ship we would bring Ouzo, on a British vessel the officers prefer scotch or whiskey." "You're kidding me Mac right?" "No my boy I am not." Mac paused as the flight attendant took away his empty glass. "Look Darrin we are asking these guys to put in a lot of work hours on top of their normal duties without any additional pay, so any bones we can throw them helps. This crew can make or break the project for us." Mac turned in his seat toward me. "The workers from the Balkans love tootsie rolls, while the eastern Europeans go crazy for bubble gum, Philippine guys crave milk chocolate. Got it?" "Whole different world Mac. Whole different world" I said. "With over a hundred nationalities on the ROYAL VIKING you got that right." Mac pulled out his laptop. "Let's go over our plan." ++++ Mac knew his stuff, he was greeted warmly by his old friend the ship's Captain, a blond giant named Sven. The bottles of Aquavit smoothed my introductions, while the crew was more than willing to help as we liberally handed out phone cards. I felt like it was Halloween, passing out pockets full of candy-but I was going to follow Macs lead as he had been right so far. Our project was going well. After the first day of trial and error, I made the necessary computer adjustments to the turbines to accept our biofuels for maximum efficiency. The Chief engineer was wary, still wishing to run on their standard modified JP jet fuel. He kept delaying operating completely on our alternate fuels, even after running short time periods without any issues. Mac was trying to cajole the Chief Engineer into a full scale test when I turned around banging my head into a bulkhead. This invoked a round of laughter from the crew, It did not hurt but my forehead was bleeding from a small cut. Dispute my protestations, the Chief Engineer told a junior Pilipino engineer to bring me to sick bay." At the sick bay (or "Medical Center") I was stuck filling out countless forms --so I guess the ships hospital really was just like any hospital on land. Then I heard something, when I looked up there was the ships nurse calling out my name. Her nametag had her country as one of the 'Stan's of the old Soviet Union, it read "Zoie" with a last name that I think contained the chemical symbol for Boron. But it was not the nametag I was looking at. This raven haired beauty was stunning. She had curves in all the right places, while her face had high cheekbones below oval eyes -a gift from some mogul ancestor, that were colored blue matching her medical smock. The smock did nothing to hide a killer figure. She looked to be in her late twenties, with her shining hair swept to one side -almost covering one side of her face. A megawatt smile revealed a neat row of white teeth. When she called my name the voice had a combination of eastern europe and british accent. The pain in my forehead was instantly forgotten. Zoie the nurse asked me to follow her into the medical center. I stared at that sexy ass that was imitating two cats fighting in a sack, vowing to follow her anywhere. As I was seated Zoie looked at my paperwork before speaking. "So Mister.." "Please call me Darrin." I interrupted her. "Certainly Darrin." Zoie said, giving me a hint of her 300 watt smile. As Zoie took my blood pressure and vitals, I did my best to engage her in conversation. Zoie was gentle and professional, but my charms seemed to bounce off her like bullets off Superman's chest. The ship Doctor came in, another blond Nordic giant, after a quick exam proclaimed me a bit clumsy, but fit, with no injuries, except to my pride. With that he shook my hand, then left. Ugly American Ch. 01 "Darrin." Zoie addressed me. "Yes!" I said almost jumping to attention. "Let us get you some aspirin, for if you have a headache later." "No problem Zoie I have a tough noggin" I tapped my head with a knuckle. Zoie looked confused. "What is this noggin?" "Forget it Zoie." I was trying to figure some way to keep talking to her. Having been out of the dating scene for over a decade, I was not sure what to do. "Umm..Ah..Zoie..will I see you later?" "Zoie gave me kind of a half smile. "Well Darrin I will be in the Officer bar at 2200 tonite." She paused for a moment as I looked confused. "Darrin that is 10PM in your American time. I would as you say..much enjoy to see you there." I bid Zoie goodbye than saw my Pilipino junior engineer still in the medical center lobby staring at me. "What?" I said. The small engineer chuckled. "I never saw Zoie smile before. We call her "Ice Queen" on the ship. She is always nice, but holds everybody at bay. You wanna share some of those New York City or Los Angles lines you laid on her with me?" Now it was my turn to laugh. "Not all of us are from New York or LA, lots of America between those two coasts. Let's get back to the engine room." ++++++ That evening the Officers broke out the bottles of Aquavit I had brought. The bar was a whirlwind of accents -Nordic, German, Eastern European, Caribbean Island, with several others I could not understand. I found the biggest language barriers to be with the crew members from "Across the pond" -as the UK residents like to say. I found as an American the United Kingdom and USA shared the same language, but not words. "Torch (flashlight)", "Spanner (wrench)", "Lift (elevator)","Petro (fuel), Bonnet (hood), had us united by the same tongue, but divided by a common language. I saw a Spanish crewmember ask his Dutch counterpart if they were to speak English or American. At first I thought it did not make sense-now I understood. These people could really drink. Mac had warned me on the airplane "Look Darrin my boy -I do not care how well you think you can hold your booze. Any twenty year old Aussie girl will drink your ass under the table. Unlike the States there is generally no age limit for alcohol in most countries-so while you were sneaking beers at your prep school graduation, these kids were already quaffing down a liter of ale." I heeded Mac warning, sticking to ginger ale after a few toasts with the Aquavit. I could not see what those pale monsters saw in that drink. Damn stuff tasted like lighter fluid. Mac was engaged in a heated debate about firearms with the Israeli Chief of Security, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to see Zoie the nurse standing above me. "Darrin may I sit and talk a while at you." She asked. "Sure Zoie" I replied, grabbing a chair from a nearby table. "What would you like to drink? We brought some Aquavit." Zoie wrinkled her nose, before placing her hand on my leg as she sat. "A glass of white wine please Darrin." I returned with Zoie's drink, we were alone at the table as an impromptu dart game had sprung up in the bar, roping in most of the patrons. "Thank you Darrin." Zoie said sipping her glass. "No problem Zoie." I racked my brain for something to say. "Um..how long you been on ships?" "This is my second contract on this ship." Zoie replied. "I did two other contracts on the ROYAL VIKINGs sister ship." "How long is a contract?" Zoie smiled at me before answering me. "My contracts range between six and eight months shipboard, with about six to eight weeks off." "Do you go home then? Where do you call home?" Zoie paused before answering. "I mostly stay a few days here and there with various members of the crew I have made friends with. Otherwise I camp out at a hotel. Home..well that is a long story." I could listen to this lady talk all night. However I felt this was not a story I would hear now. "Do you like it?" I asked trying to keep the conversation going. "Yes Darrin it is not so bad a life. Enough about me, tell me about you and your life in America." I gave Zoie the short version of my little town, showed her a picture of AJ on my phone display, explained how I had come to be on the ship. "Zoie returned my phone with AJs picture. "You and your wife must be very proud of him." "Sad to say Zoie, we are not together anymore. AJ stays with me now." Zoie seemed a little shocked. "Your son's mother is not with him? What kind of women would.." She stopped for a second. "Sorry Darrin, none of my business." Deftly changing the subject Zoie asked "We are going to do the Caribbean run out of Miami and Fort Lauderdale this season. It will be my first time in North America, I look forward to it. Are you near those Ports?" "No" I shook my head. "But my Mom is retired, she lives in South Florida now. AJ and I have been meaning to come visit her. Perhaps we can meet up.?" Zoie gave me another smile. "I would like that Darrin." Just then the dart game broke up, so the table became crowded again. I saw that Zoie had became quiet, more reserved. It was if there were two Zoie's-the polite professional with the staff, and the friendly lady I had just been chatting with. I really was enjoying my time with this international group, but felt my energy level start to drop after a while. Zoie must have noticed, as she drained her glass of wine then turned to me. "Darrin I must get up early, would you walk me to my cabin?" Talk about an energy boost. I jumped up as Zoie bid our table mates good night. +++++ As we walked the ship, Zoie nodded to passengers, stopping every now and then, saying a few words to various guests. From the conversations these people had recently visited the sick bay (excuse me-"medical center"). Zoie took great interest in their answers. I was impressed by her concern with people she had just met, and may never see again in a few days. Finally we reached the officer area of the ship, standing in front of her cabin door. Zoie turned to look me in the eye. "Darrin I enjoyed talking at you, and would like to see more of you. But as large as this ship is, it is still small and I do not wish to be as you say ..another belt notch." She then gave me a kiss that knocked my socks off. When I sought to embrace Zoie, she pushed me back. "Darrin there is something you need to see first." With that Zoie pulled back her hair with one hand exposing the left side of her face. The other hand pulled over the neckline of her blouse showing off her left shoulder. All of Zoie's skin, from the far left temple into her hairline, down her neck and over her shoulder disappearing under the shirt, was an ugly mass of mottled discolored membrane, pockmarked and rough. I stared for a second until Zoie turned away releasing her hair to cover the disfiguration, while rearranging her top to hide the ghastly scars. Zoie spoke as she revolved to face me. "Childhood accident Darrin. I understand if you are offended." I finally found my voice. "So what Zoie? What does that have to do about what a great person you are?" I shrugged. "You didn't have to show me that, but I am glad you did." Zoie smiled at me, putting her finger on my lips. "You are kind man to say so,-even if you did not mean it." She shook her head as I tried to speak. "Darrin I let you sleep on it. If you still feel same way, I meet you for noontime meal on top deck tomorrow." With that Zoie disappeared into her cabin. ++++++ I could not wait until lunch to see Zoie. Mac was in better spirits, now that our major issues seemed to have been overcome. However, he was still having no luck convincing the Chief engineer to run full out on our fuel. At noon Mac, with me in tow, met an elderly group of his countrymen that were on Holiday with their wives. They spent some time talking and swapping war stories. The older Scotsmen were telling what sounded like tall tales of "the good old days". I was awaiting Zoie's arrival, wandering away, leaving the group on the on the top deck. When one of the Scotsman wives peering over the railing shrieked "PIRATES! PIRATES!' We all rushed over to side railing, were I was astonished to see two zodiac boats with a bunch of raggedly dressed armed black men up against the side of the ship. In the distance, four more zodiac boats were racing toward our vessel. The ships security officer dashed to the stairway pulling out his radio as he ran. "Code POPPA, Code POPPA. This is not a drill- this is not a drill. All Security Personnel to stations. Prepare to repel boarders. I repeat this is not a drill. Code POPPA." We all continued to stare over the railings, when one of the guys on the zodiac raised an AK-47 in our direction, firing off a volley of bullets. "Jesus Christ!" I shouted, throwing myself away from the railing like everyone else. I hit the deck, crawling away as fast as I could, when I saw Mac leap to his feet. "COME ON LADS! DON'T JUST LAY THERE!" Mac shouted, waving is hands, pointing to the railing. "Let's show these bastards what happens when they get a Scotsmen's BLOOD UP!" Suddenly a cry rose up from this elderly group of men that shook me to my bones. This crazy mob of Scots jumped up off the deck, rushing to grab bottles off the tables, -jostling each other as they raced to the railing. Then they started throwing wine magnums, jugs and decanters over the side of ship down at the pirates. After the bottles were all used up, they next hurled deck chairs at their attackers heedless of the gunfire coming up from the small boats below. I watched in disbelief as these old men picked up entire tables, flinging the counters over the side down at the zodiacs. It was not just the men --I saw the wives chucking their high heeled shoes at the bandits. Umbrellas, ashtrays, dishes, cups, glasses, and then whole coffee services became hand thrown missiles. Anything not bolted down was tossed at our assailants. I couldn't believe it, but it looked like the antics of these William Wallace "Bravehearts" were holding off the boarders! The zodiacs backed away from the ship, as the trash onslaught continued. On a deck above, I saw the ships security staff fitting parabolic looking devices onto mounts, as the ship leaped forward. Mac pointed up at the security staff, then started yelling. "Give them bloody bastards the sonic blast!" Mac had a big grin on his face as he pulled me up off the deck, pointing out the devices, and the zodiacs surrounding the ship. "One of our divisions makes them noise toys. Them things will blow out them goddamn asshole eardrums with a narrow sound beam." I was terrified, but Mac looked like he was having the time of his life. "Look there Laddie." Mac said pointing out a larger boat in the distance. "That is them fucker's mother ship. Them bastards never would had made it out this far to sea if that mother ship had not brought them." "Mac can't we just outrun them" I said, while trying to stop from shaking. "Gotta get that damn mother ship, or them pricks will just follow us around the ocean." Is as if Captain Sven had heard him, our ship turned and headed full speed at the mother ship. Meanwhile the old Scots were crowded at the railing shaking their fists at the zodiacs, calling the pirates foul names, cursing them out, most daring them to come back and fight. One elderly man undid his pants to bare his ass, whirling around to "moon" the pirates. Then all of them-men and women - began releasing belts, dropping trousers, lifting skirts and turning their naked backsides until over three dozen pale white wrinkled buttocks were on display, hanging over the railing. Even as terrified as I was that sight made me giggle. Meanwhile our ship was bearing down on the pirates mother ship full speed. A dozen zodiacs were trying to keep up with us, like angry sea dogs. A few saw what the captain was doing, and started firing both small arms, and hand held RPGs at the ship. As the two ships closed, our captain poured on the steam. The Pirates mother ship tried to pull away, but Captain Sven was having none of that. Our ship shuttered for a moment as we rammed the Pirate ship in its aft section. The hit tore off the mother ship's props, and most of its tail. A triumph shout went up from group as Mac yelled. "That buggers done for! She's dead in the water!" I was elated for a moment, but saw we had another problem. The pirates in the zodiacs were now redoubling their effort to board the ship. With their mother ship knocked out, their only choices were our ship, or being stranded in the middle of the ocean --which could mean a certain slow death. I ran for the engine room, being thrown against the hallway bulkhead walls as Captain Sven made swooping S turns trying to overturn the smaller zodiacs with the ship wake. Reaching the engine room, I explained quickly to the Chief Engineer what I wanted to do. The big Nordic gave swift orders to his staff, then turned toward me to speak. "Go Darrin! We give them pirates some Viking Thunder!" the blond giant then slapped me on the back so hard I almost fell over. I followed the Philippine junior engineer holding a box, who raced ahead, leading me to an upper deck. Standing at the railing on the back aft of the crew deck, we saw at least a dozen zodiacs closing in on the ship. A loud GUSH came out as the dump pumps discharged hundreds of gallons at a time of the modified JP jet fuel from the ships tanks into the waters below. The Filipino and I grabbed a handful of flares from the box as the pirates got closer. Now I am certain at some point in my life I have done dumber things then throwing white hot lighted flares onto an ocean of jet fuel. But at that moment, I truly could not recall committing a more inane dim-witted act. The first few flares went out, or had no effect. I knew that the fuel was lighter than seawater, so the fuel must be on the surface. I tried to keep the rising panic down as a pirate zodiac almost reached the ship. Suddenly I remembered it was not the fuel that burns,-it was the vapors coming off the fuel that burns. We were down to throwing out our last flares when unexpectedly a massive WHOOSH of air crackled thru the sky. The churning wake from the ship had agitated the fuel enough for vapors to be developed. These vapors had ignited! Little did we know I had unintentionally created a small Fuel Air Bomb close to the surface of the water. A mini mushroom cloud rose up as a fireball spread out, sucking oxygen from the air. The Filipino was faster and wiser ducking down behind the ships railing plate. I was still standing there with my mouth open, staring at the sight when the concussion blast reached the ship, slamming into me hard. Last I remember was being picked up, then hurled several yards into the aft bulkhead before darkness slid over me... Ugly American Ch. 02 Thanks to mikothebaby for her editing Advise. All and any errors are all mine. ++++++ ...from Part 1 Now I am certain at some point in my life I have done dumber things then throwing white hot lighted flares onto an ocean of jet fuel. But at that moment, I truly could not recall committing a more inane dim-witted act. The first few flares went out, or had no effect. I knew that the fuel was lighter than seawater, so the fuel must be on the surface. I tried to keep the rising panic down as a pirate zodiac almost reached the ship. Suddenly I remembered it was not the fuel that burns,-it was the vapors coming off the fuel that burns. We were down to throwing out our last flares when unexpectedly a massive WHOOSH of air crackled thru the sky. The churning wake from the ship had agitated the fuel enough for vapors to be developed. These vapors had ignited! Little did we know I had unintentionally created a small Fuel Air Bomb close to the surface of the water. A mini mushroom cloud rose up as a fireball spread out, sucking oxygen from the air. The Filipino was faster and wiser ducking down behind the ships railing plate. I was still standing there with my mouth open, staring at the sight when the concussion blast reached the ship, slamming into me hard. Last I remember was being picked up, and then hurled several yards into the aft bulkhead before darkness slid over me... +++++++ I tried to open my eyes, but my vision would not focus. It felt like the worst hangover in the world. My head was throbbing , my face felt stiff. Someone must have worked over my body with a sledgehammer, even my hair hurt. "About bloody time you woke up you lazy bastard." Someone said in a thick Scottish accent. As I turned my head, my vision cleared. Mac was sitting beside me in a chair. I was in a bed, but it sure as hell wasn't in my tiny contractor cabin. I was in a massive bed; the room was huge with paintings on the wall. I even saw a grand piano reflected in the large sliding glass patio doors that led to a balcony overlooking the sea. Mac saw my confusion, and grinned. "Not bad ah Darrin? After your little Texas barbeque stunt the passengers in the Royal suite insisted you stay here to recover. They moved to another cabin." "I told you, I'm not from Texas. Although I do man a mean grill." I looked around again. "Mac, this is..I don't know really too much. I just got lucky, that's all." Mac got up, rubbing his hands. "I'd rather be good then lucky any day Darrin my boy. The whole ship is talking about that cowboy feat you pulled off. Last I heard they got you drinking the fuel while lighting fire out your ass, shooting flames from your backside at them bloody pirates." I tried to smile, but the sides of my cheeks burned in pain. Mac got a solemn look on his face as he said. "Seriously Darrin, that deed took quick thinking, coupled with a big brass set of balls to back it up." Mac paused again before a smile returned to his face. "That exploit was almost Special Boat Service worthy,now don't you be getting a big head. I said ALMOST." I touched my face, it hurt like hell. Mac started pacing the room. "Never thought of ducking for cover Darrin? My instructor used to say to be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, then call whatever you hit the target." I tried to sit up in bed. "Mac, I thought I was a goner when that blast hit me." Mac grabbed a mirror off the dresser, shoving it in my face. "You fool, you're too ugly to die." I gasped, putting a hand to my face confirming it was really my reflection in the mirror. My eyebrows were gone, with a lot of my hair singed away. Some white salve was on my nose, and lips. The rest of my face had the look of a bad sunburn. To top it off, the left eye was swollen, ringed with three different shades of red, purple, and yellow". Just then Zoie came out of the bathroom, ever the profession in her Medical garb with a stethoscope hanging around her neck. "Mac, I going make you leave if you upset my patient." Zoie then shoved a digital probe into my mouth that was attached to a monitor. At the same time she wrapped a blood pressure cuff around my bicep. Mac ignored Zoie. "I got more good news Darrin. Because the ship dumped most of its standard fuel frying them pirates, the ROYAL VIKING has been running on our biofuel for the better part of two days." He got up, and clapped his hands. "Been running great too! Even that hard headed Nordski Chief Engineer is happy!" Zoie turned, pointing toward the door. "That's it Mac, out. Don't make me have the Captain call security on you." "OK Lassie, I'm going, I'm going." Mac threw me a salute as he left. Zoie turned to me, I was surprised to see tears in her eyes that she wiped away with the cuff of her sleeve. "Darrin. what am I going to do with you." +++++ In between the ship Doctor looking me over, the rest of the day was a steady parade of visitors, with Zoie keeping visit time to a minimum. She was watching over me like a mother hawk, ushering even the Captain out, when Zoie felt my strength was waning. My favorite visitor was the passengers who had given up this massive suite for me. I was surprise to see it was the elderly Scot who had first dropped his pants "mooning" the pirates. He and his wife were quite the couple, refusing to accept my thanks for use of their accommodations. "Think nothing of it Darrin." The old man said with a smile. "Didn't think you would recognize me with me pants on." His wife swatted him. "Oh hush you." She turned to address me. "You have given us quite a story to tell our grandchildren when we get home" "Ah yes," her husband broke in. "and mightily bored they'll be by the tale!" We chatted a bit longer until Zoie ushered them out. I was really feeling exhausted, so when Zoie closed the blinds I was out like a light. +++++ A moment of panic came over me as I fought to recognize the surroundings. It was dark, hard to make things out. A soft, but firm naked form, was wrapped around my body. I knew it was female by the perfume smell. "Anita?" My heart jumped, as my eyes adjusted to the dim light while conscious thought returned. Then disappointment spread, it could not be my former wife Anita. This lady had dark hair, Anita was blond. As my fingers traced the nape of her neck I felt rough skin. I recoiled a moment before it hit me. My mind screamed. "Damn it's Zoie!" I felt Zoie stiffen when I pulled my hand away. I tried to pretend it was to stretch out a stiff muscle. "It's OK Darrin." Zoie said softly. "I know what it feels like, and how I look. That's why I left the lights off." Rolling over quickly, the sudden was pain shocking, and bolted me wide awake. It also reminded me to move slower next time. I found the bedside lamp, flickering it on. Zoie was on her side facing me. Reaching up she made an effort to cover the disfigurement with her hair. I grabbed Zoies hand, pushing away her hair, so I could see her face in full. "You are beautiful the way you are. Please do not try to hide any part of you from me." Zoie looked past me before she began speaking. "My parents were not high in the Party, so I could not get reconstructive surgery after the fire when I was eight. Many in our small town are superstitious, they felt my...looks, were a punishment for something bad I had done, or my parents had done. Most would not allow their children to play with me, I never get used to the names, or taunts." Zoie rolled onto her back looking at the ceiling. "I studied hard, first in all my classes. Got qualified for the University, I was to be an anesthesiologist." She paused. "My patients would be unconscious, never need to see my face. I had my first boyfriend there at University Medical School. I thought he saw past my scars. Then I heard him tell his friends the only way to fuck me was with a sack over my face, or in the dark. He said a sack interfered with me sucking him, so he was stuck with only screwing me at night." Zoie took a deep breath but continued talking. "I forgot about him, concentrating on my studies. I was a very good anesthesiologist Darrin. Always first in my classes, and later in great demand by our government hospitals. Then my father did something to upset the Party. They took him, and my mother away. A patient warned me, so I fled the country ahead of the government police. I ended up in various parts of Europe. With no way to retrieve my qualifications, I could not practice medicine anywhere. I completed a nursing course while working nights as a cleaner." Zoie turned to face me, propping herself up on an elbow. "That is my sad story Darrin. As I said this is a small ship, and am not a...how you say...slut. If you want me to leave I will." I put Zoie's chin in my hand so she was looking directly at me. "YOU are without a doubt the most amazing lady I have ever met. I feel like a major league whiner, moaning about my little setbacks. Hell, I 've been leading life like a wimp compared to you." I saw her eyes twinkle in amusement. "and Zoie, as for wanting you to leave..." I grabbed her hand putting it on my growing erection. "What do you think?" Zoie smiled as she started to stroke me. "Darrin, can we turn out the lights?" "I may be too ugly to die Zoie. But there is no chance I am turning out the lights. Not a Chance, hear that?" I said, pulling her toward me. ++++ I wish I could say our lovemaking that night was magical. However if you ever tried to kiss someone with burnt lips, including painful bruises all over your body ...DON'T! Like two porcupines having sex, it was quite an event, slow, and careful. The only magic that night, was that I was able to do anything at all, let alone the second time. Alas nothing lasts forever, four days later Zoie and I said good bye. She promised to come stay with me at her contracts end. I was already looking for airfare on the dates when the ROYAL VIKING came to Florida. The Pirate event got a good bit of airtime, but it was old news by the time I arrived home. My son and brothers family were a bit shocked by my appearance (although I had healed up a bit by then). All I could say was. "You should have seen the other guy." When I returned to work, my coworker had a small party for me, complete with a Pirate themed cake. They decked out my work area with Buccaneer paraphilia. My bench was covered with a skull and crossbone flag, eye patch, stuffed parrot, and a toy cutlass. The machine shop even churned out a peg leg for me. The Blackbeard and Captain Jack jokes were fast, and heavy for the first few days. I took the ribbing good naturedly. Which is why I thought it was a joke when I was brought into the Managers office to meet a stern older lady with a slight German accent. "Darrin" my Boss began. "This is corporate H.R. Manager. She is from HQ personnel to oversee your transfer to the South Florida division." Then it got interesting. The lady from Corporate was aghast I would defy an edict from our company HQ. It seemed my old buddy Mac wanted me yesterday. He was willing to pay the price to get my happy ass down to South Florida ASAP. All my objections were shot down. My home? No problem, the company gave you fair market value for the house, and put you up for a year, plus hired a realtor to find you a new place. Or if you did not wish to sell, the company would hire a management company, and help you find a renter. Moving? The company moved whole families to different countries all the time. Just get on a plane. The movers will have everything sent to you, in any location, or in storage to move later. Money/Position? The new position was a huge increase in pay, with perks I could only dream about, even real stock options with profit sharing. That night I approached my son AJ about moving to Florida. "Duh Dad!" AJ said. "Sunny Florida, or this frozen slush, plus a chance to see Grandma? When do we leave?" Then I got a second surprise from my Brother, a day after I told him of the offer. "Darrin, we are coming with you." My brother informed me. "A realtor has been bugging us to sell in this red hot market. You know my wife and I are both nurses, so we can get jobs anywhere. It will be great for the kids to be around their Grandmother. Besides we are tired of this cold weather where everyone has blond hair, and blue ears." ++++++ Anyway that is how we ended up with a rental house near the beach outside Fort Lauderdale. The place was a stately old manor. The house had plenty of room, which was good, as my brothers family was staying with us. Life was fine. My Mother was thrilled to have her grandchildren near her. My new job with Mac as my boss was interesting. The cruise Industry was large, but a very small community centered near Miami. Everybody knew about the pirate attack, and wanted to hear about the event. Mac was a born salesman, trotting me out like a show horse at every occasion. He used the opportunities to push our products from biofuels, communication equipment, even the "Noise Toys" or Long Range Acoustic Device (called LRAD) used on the pirates that day. I was at a Cruise Port almost every day on a ship when not giving a Dog & Pony show at some company boardroom. On any one day, I was meeting with more people, from more nations, than I had in my whole life back up north. AJ and his cousins got a chance to try out their conversational Spanish after years of lessons. This caused some confusion when AJ approached me after hanging out with some new Latino friends. "Dad, these people here don't speak Spanish right." AJ informed me one day. I chuckled. "Let's see if we can figure this out AJ. Is the Spanish taught to you by your teacher who spent a summer in Madrid correct? Or is it possible your buddies, and their families who have been speaking the language from birth is the right way?" South Florida had a thriving Latin community. I even picked up a few words, but AJ and his friends laughed at my "Spanglish" conversation attempts. Best of all about the Florida move, was I got to see Zoie every 10 days when the ROYAL VIKING came into port. I was nervous when Zoie and AJ met, it was unfounded. They were best buds after 10 minutes. Look Dad." AJ exclaimed, holding up a piece of string Zoie had given him during a tour of the Medical Center. "Zoie taught me to tie a knot with one hand! Just like Surgeons do." I looked over the knot. "Not bad AJ." "Zoie, is like the bomb Dad! She speaks like a zillion languages!" Zoie came up, giving me a hug." Now AJ, I only speak seven languages fluently." "Listen to this Dad." AJ then spouted out some cryptic words. He looked at Zoie. "Did I say that right Zoie?" Zoie patted AJ on the shoulder "Yes AJ, you pronounced that perfect." She had a mischievous look in her eye. "What's it mean AJ?" I asked. "It means 'Eat Shit and Die' in Uzbek!" AJ was beaming. "Dad, ain't that cool!" "ZOIE!" I turned toward my laughing girlfriend. Zoie gave me that beautiful smile. "Oh Darrin, it's OK. How many Uyghurs in South Florida does AJ know that are going to understand what he's saying." +++++++ After getting the proper security and port passes, I ended up taking AJ with me to the ROYAL VIKING every time I went to see Zoie. Various crew members were happy to keep AJ entertained, while Zoie and I had some "private time". AJ got to see every part of the ship from the engine room workings, TV Studios, Bridge, Galley and of course the Medical Center. The only problem was everyone on the ship seemed to delight in teaching AJ to swear in their native tongue. To my horror, AJ soon was able to curse fluently in Norwegian, German, Creole, Dutch, Filipino, Finnish, Russian, even Hebrew. But alas all good things must come to an end, the phone call I answered Monday morning was it. "Hello Darrin." After over a decade of marriage, I knew Anita's voice instantly. "Yes this is Darrin. May I ask who is calling?" I could not resist yanking Anita's chain. "Darrin, you damn well know this is, Anita!" She said calmly from the other end of the line. "It cannot be Anita. I asked she not contact me unless it was an emergency concerning AJ." I switched my phone to the other ear. "What do you want?" "Darrin, I thought you would be over this by now. I want to see my son." "Anita, the lawyers told you the court gave me sole custody after you missed so many scheduled visitations with AJ." "I know, and I am sorry. The travel with Wesley just made things so crazy. You know what they say, –Standing behind every successful executive boss man is a female secretary." "Anita, is there a saying for a cheating married secretary on her knees in front of the executive boss man? Or spread eagle on her back under the executive boss man?" "Darrin, stop being so crude. I want to see AJ. His is still my son." "Anita, you cannot get AJ all excited, then not show up. He is your son, not a hair appointment." "No need to bore me with a lecture Darrin. Wesley has a time share near you. We are going to be down next week. Can I take AJ for a long weekend? Wesley has a boat, AJ can go water skiing." "Anita, this weekend AJ is planning to go the Marlins baseball game with my brothers family. I will be away doing some work on a ship." I looked at my watch. "Yes I heard you are doing boat engine work. Little fishing charters, and stuff right? I am so happy for you." Anita said condescendingly "Yea, something like that." "Well can I have AJ this weekend, or not Darrin." "Yes Anita, you can. The boy needs to know his mother cares about him. Don't screw this up if you promise to come, you better show up." "Oh Darrin.." Anita started. "Anita, I do not wish to hurt you, but it is still on my list. So be here Friday. Don't be late." I hung up the phone. Naturally Anita did not show up Friday, waiting until Thursday night to cancel. Anita was unapologetic. "But Darrin, surely you can comprehend the situation. Wesley got a great last minute deal on a cruise. He knows the bar waiters brother, we could get upgraded. It will be my first time out of the country, a chance to use my passport." "Damn it Anita, you cannot do this to your son!" I was pissed. "I am not going to argue with you about this Darrin." Anita countered. "I do not argue with idiots Anita. Idiots just drag you down to their level, and beat you with experience." I said to her. "You get AJ all fired up, now I have to clean up this mess." "Darrin, do not be such a drama queen. AJ will understand." Anita replied. "I will make it up to him another time." "Don't bother." I hung up the phone. +++++ I should have been happy. The ROYAL VIKING was in port, I was going to be sailing on her for three days. My task was uploading a new engine control software, before she went into drydock. I would be staying with Zoie, in her cabin. But Anita's stunt with AJ had put me in a foul mood. Thank God my brother took his Godfather duties seriously. He was able to get the extra ticket back, so AJ could come to the Marlin baseball game with his cousins. My attitude instantly improved when Zoie gave me a big hug, and kiss. She sensed my mood. "Everything OK Darrin?" She asked running her fingers thru my hair. "Did I do something wrong?" I explained the situation with Anita and AJ. Zoie was understanding. "That is terrible Darrin. We must do something for AJ." Zoie said. "But I do have some good news. Actually two pieces of good news." "I could use some good news Zoie. Come on don't tease me." "Captain Sven heard you were coming. He wants us to join him tomorrow in the passenger dining room. I even got you a Tux. We can get a formal picture together." Zoie was almost beaming. Ugly American Ch. 02 I tried to be excited for Zoie's sake, but spending the evening in a monkey suit, was not high on my bucket list. Zoie continued. "Better yet Darrin, on the ten day drydock, I am not needed. So I can either stay on the ship doing fire watch or.." I jumped right in. "No F'in way are you staying on the ship!" I picked Zoie up hugging her around the waist. "You are staying as a guest at Chez Darrin! AJ has been bugging me to see the sights. We are going to be do up the best South Florida has to offer!" "Darrin, put me down!" Zoie squealed. As I returned her to the ground, she gave me a look, then said softly. "I'd hope you would say that." ++++++ The ships tailor did a great job, the tux fit perfectly. I did look damn good, if I do say so myself. Zoie was stunning in her evening gown, and I really was enjoying the night. Captain Sven was a fine host, plus the food was excellent. Suddenly an angry male voice boomed out from behind me. "What the hell is that Asshole doing here!" The whole room went silent. Everyone at the table turned. I was astonished to see my ex-wife Anita standing there with a red faced Wesley. Captain Sven rose from the table. He towered over Wesley. When Captain Sven spoke his voice was every inch the commanding Captain. "Excuse me sir, this man Darrin, is an honored guest of the ROYAL VIKING, and her crew. Now if you will be so kind, the waiter will show you back to your table. Have a good evening." Anita face was pale white. She seemed to be more in shock at the sight of me in a tux at the Captains table, than I was at seeing her. Wesley however, must have had a few drinks, as he would not let it go. "Fuck that! Listen up you Love Boat wannabe. We get stuck in some shitty table by the kitchen while this Prick!" Wesley pointed at me. "Gets to sit at the God Damn table of Honor! No Fucking way Sailor boy!" Captain Sven stared down Wesley for a moment, who started to wilt. "Sir, I assure you the cuisine is just as fine on every table in this dining room. Now will you allow my staff to provide you excellent service, or shall I have security remove you?" Anita looked like she wanted to shrink into her shoes. She tugged at Wesley's suit coat sleeve. "Wesley" Anita said in a voice just above a whisper. "Everyone is staring at us. Let's just go sit down." Wesley turned on her. "Screw you too bitch! I don't need your fat ass telling me what to do. You give me a half assed, world's worse blow job before dinner, and now this crap. I am going back to that tiny fucking shithole without a window they call a cabin." With that he stormed out of the dining room. Anita stood there stunned with her hands at her face as all the diners stared at her. The room was still silent. I knew I shouldn't ...but I could not resist. I cleared my throat loudly. Everyone looked at me as I peered at my ex-wife. "Hello Anita. It sure is a surprise to see you." I raised my wine glass at her. "Maybe we'll see each other on your travels about the ship. I'm in a suite, upper deck. Where are you and Wes bunking?" Anita face burst into tears, as she bolted from the dining room. After a moment the buzz of conversation returned as diners turned their attention away from our table. I signaled over the wine steward. "Anyone else like some more to drink?" ++++++ I had intended to sleep in the next morning, as my task was done, debark from the little Haitian Island was not until the afternoon. However Zoie was tugging me out of bed at 7 AM. "Darrin get dressed quick. You need to come to the Broadcast room. The Captain is going to throw your ex-wife, and that guy off the ship!" I was instantly awake, pulling on my clothes. "Zoie, what happened?" "Last night your wife's guy got real drunk, and nasty with the staff at the casino. Then he got into a fight with some guests, and the ship security." "No Shit!" "It gets worse Darrin, during the struggle a bag of cocaine was discovered on your wife's guy." I had to laugh this was too much. Wesley getting caught with drugs, this was the best gift ever, and it was not even Christmas, or my Birthday. I dressed as fast as I could. We were soon in the Broadcast room, watching a feed from the conference Center. One camera showed Captain Sven at a table flanked by the Staff Captain, Hotel Director and several other members of the ships staff. A wide angle shot had Anita sitting in a chair off to the side. She looked like hell. Another camera followed Wesley as he was pacing the room. He was dressed in rumpled clothes that looked like he had slept in them, and was unshaven. The Tech handed me a pair of headsets. I adjusted the volume, listening in on the middle of Wesley's rant. "..I am not standing for any Kangaroo court. I am a US Citizen, and an attorney, so I know my rights. You cannot hold me against my will. I'll sue all your asses, and own this rustbucket. You will be lucky to be captain of a bathtub toy boat when I get thru with you!" Captain Sven looked bored as some papers were passed in front of him. He looked down at the papers before addressing Wesley. "This is a Captains mast hearing not a court. You are correct, as a US citizen we cannot hold you against your will. In fact, we cannot hold any citizen, of any country against their will. However under Admiralty law, I am Master of this Vessel, responsible for the safety, and welfare of all souls aboard my ship. I have viewed the footage, and read the reports. You have attacked both my staff, and attempted to get into a physical altercation with other guests. I rule that you are a danger to both the good ship, and all aboard. There is only one sentence I am allowed to impose. You are both to be removed immediately from the ROYAL VIKING ." Wesley smacked his fist into his hand. "Fine! Give us back our money, then get us a plane off this piss ant island. I will see your ass in an American court." Captain Sven stared sternly at Wesley. "Under SOLAS or Safety of Life at Seas, the Jones Act, and the Shipping act of 1984, all of which your country was a signature of. I have only the responsibility to set you off in a Port with adequate food, water, and living conditions." Now Anita spoke up. "You cannot strand us on this Island with those nigg..those ..Savages!" "Mam, this part of the Island is a private resort on a long term lease from the Government of Haiti. We will set you off outside its gates, with the remainder of your fare, and personal belongings. How you arrange passage after that point, is at your discretion." Wesley became enraged. "NO fucking way are you going to leave us to those God Damn Niggers. They'd like nothing better then to get their hands on me." He pointed to Anita. "Do you have any idea what them black monkeys would do to a white women!" I thought "Wow Wes, you are a walking example of never being too old to learn something stupid." Captain Sven looked at Wes. He was unmoved by the outburst. "I resent the racist comments you are making toward our Haitian hosts." He then held up a sealed evidence bag containing another bag with white powder. "We have video evidence, and sworn statements of this being in your possession. Our field test kit confirms this is a banned controlled substance." Captain Sven passed the bag to the Security Chief before continuing. "If you wish, I can alert the Haitian law enforcement authorities on your unlawful pharmacology ownership. The Police National d'Hati or PNH, would arrange both transportation, and accommodations for you and your wife. However I do not feel it would not be in your best interests. Do you agree?" Wesley looked defeated, Anita started crying into her hands. Captain Sven nodded toward the Chief of Security. "Please make arrangements to escort these two individuals, with their belonging off the ROYAL VIKING." I put down my headphones, giving Zoie a crooked smile. Pulling a pack of bubble gum out of my pocket, I tossed it to one of the techs. "Hey guys." I said. "Think you can burn me a DVD copy of that?" +++++++ Between AJ and I, it wasn't clear who was more excited about Zoie coming to visit. We played tourist every day, going to the zoo, beach, seaquarium, and South Beach. Just generally having a great time. My Mom, and Brother's family loved Zoie. Although my Sister made Zoie promise not to teach AJ any more foreign curses, as AJ was promptly sharing any "new" words with his cousins. The nights were even better than the days. I had never had a women love me like that. It seemed like Zoie had just arrived, when I walked into the bedroom to see Zoie packing her bags. "My God Zoie, is that that time already?" Zoie paused a moment folding a blouse. "Yes Darrin, the ship returns tomorrow." "Damn." I said leaning against the doorway. "How did the time go by so quickly?" Zoie gave me a sad smile, than patted the bed for me to sit next to her. I could tell something was on her mind. "Darrin, I have enjoyed much these days with you and AJ, but now I must talk at you about us." Zoie took my hand. "Darrin, I will say what many ladies think, but do not admit." She paused to take a breath. "I wish to have two children. I know that danger is in having baby after age 34. As you say counting backwards this means I must be making baby number two by age 33. One year between babies put me at age 32. Another year for making baby number one I be age 31. Add more year for wedding, and getting together, so we reach age 30. " I listened in rapt attention. "Damn Zoie, you plan out your life like a math problem?" Zoie gave a little smile. "I now 28 years of age Darrin. I no lie to you like many females would do. I can see you would be good father to our children, and good husband to me. But I no make falsehoods to trap, or trick you." I could tell Zoie was stressed, as her English skills faltered when she was tense. As I started to speak Zoie held up her hand. "Darrin, I go back to ROYAL VIKING tomorrow. The ship is leaving America to do the far Carib run, and I will not see you for these last three months of my contract. Please take the time to make your decision. If you do not want me I understand, and we will always be friends. But I must look ahead in my life. We will talk no more of this." Zoie closed the suitcase, then left the room. ++++++ It had been almost three months since I had last see Zoie. I missed her like crazy. Now I was on a 757 airplane winging east, headed out over the Caribbean to meet Zoie, and the ROYAL VIKING. Mac was onboard, needing a part. I had almost reached thru the phone to kiss Mac when he asked if anyone could fly out. There was only one flight a week to Port Angler. I had left straight from work, not even packing any bags, promising the cab driver all the cash in my wallet if he got me to the airport in time for the flight. I was seated by a window near the rear of the plane. The plane had about 150 passengers on it, so I was lucky to have an open seat between me with a young girl at the aisle seat. We were halfway into our six hour flight, when the young girl tapped me on the shoulder. "Hey Mister, how'd you get internet?" She was staring at my laptop. "Well Honey," I addressed the young girl. "This is a test plane, it's wings contain Phased Arrays that can pick up internet via satellite, not cell phone towers like most aircraft." "How come you got it, and no one else does?" "My company is doing a trial test with this airline. I have a pass code with this memory stick to use the system." "Damn Mister, I wish I had net access. I am frigging bored." I pulled the USB stick out of my laptop. "My name is Darrin, we'll make a deal. You tell me your name, plus where you're going, then I'll let you use the internet for the rest of the flight." "Deal!" said the girl. "My name is Kadie, with an E. I'm 16 years old, and I am going to meet my family on some cruise ship called the ROYAL VIKING." "Well Kadie, with an E, it is nice to meet you. Is your family on board already?" I motioned her to give me her laptop. Kadie was giggling at me. "You can just call me Kadie, but yea everyone is on board already. My Dad is some big shot political guy, they are filming a lame reality TV show about him. I didn't want to come, but Mom is making me. Says we got to support Dad. It's so stupid!" I handed Kadie back her laptop. "Your Mom is right, families should stick together. I think it's great you are helping out your Dad." Kadie was already logging into a facebook page. "Sure. Whatever." +++++ About an hour was left into the flight. I was staring at the GPS display on the planes seatback screen when I got an idea. "Kadie, let me borrow your laptop, I will show you something." After Kadie handed me her laptop. I logged onto the ROYAL VIKING web page. I turned the screen to face Kadie. "See that?" I pointed to the Laptop display of a real time GPS coordinate of the ROYAL VIKING. "If the Planes GPS is accurate, we should be passing over the ROYAL VIKING in a few minutes. Heck we might see the ship out the window if there are no clouds." "Cool!" Kadie said. I nodded. "If we had a parachute, we could jump out right on top of the ship. "YEA Right!" Kadie laughed. Sudden a huge "BANG! " rattled the aircraft. The plane started to violently shake. "Darrin, what's going on!" Katie grabbed my hand. "I'm scared!" "Me too" I thought. Hell, I was so terrified my back six was completely closed. But I tried to assure the young girl. "Stay calm, I am not sure what's happening Kadie. They should be making an announcement soon." The Captain came over the speaker, and it was not to wish us Happy Birthday. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid we have a major malfunction, so I need you all to listen to your flight attendants. We may need to make an emergency aquatic landing. If that happens, just please follow the Flight attendants instructions. I have sent out a distress signal, and have been assured Coast Guard help is on its way." The flight attendants looked ashen, as they scurried down the aisle trying to calm passengers. "What's that mean Darrin!" Kadie face was dead white. "Kadie honey, the plane may need to make a big splash in water. Looks as if we are going for a little swim." "I don't want to die!" Kadie started to cry. I took her chin in my hand. "Look at me Kadie. You are going to be fine. You're with me, and I'm too ugly to die." This brought a little giggle, with a smile from Kadie's tear streaked face. It also gave me an idea as the plane started to shake worse, losing altitude. I swiped my credit card into the satellite phone on the seatback, while searching for a phone number on my blackberry. I had to listen thru greetings and menus, pressing a series of buttons as an automated voice told me the cost of the call, making sure I acknowledged the charges. I could care less, they could bill my happy ass. If I died in the crash, they could go fish trying to collect. I punched in a series of numbers. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, an authoritative voice I knew well answered the phone. "Bridge this is Captain Sven." "Captain Sven, this is Darrin.." Captain Sven broke in. "Ah Darrin, so good to hear from you. Mac said you will be joining us in Port. Did you bring any more Aquavit?" I could see the ocean getting closer to us through the window. "Captain Sven listen, I don't have much time. I'm on an airplane about to crash land a few klicks from your current position." I rattled off the last coordinates I saw on the aircraft GPS screen. Captain Sven became all business, I heard him yell something to his staff. He then came back on line. "You just stay dry Darrin. We be coming faster then a Valkyrie during a thunderstorm battle. After the..." The line went dead. I swore to myself, than put the useless headset back in its seat cradle. The flight attendants were still coaching everyone into position when the intercom squawked "BRACE FOR IMPACT" ++++++ When I was sixteen my brother, and I, got into a really bad car accident that laid us both up for a week. That collision was like an angel kiss compared to when we hit the water. I had the breath knocked out of me, seeing stars. My nose really hurt, there was blood streaming down my shirt. "God Damn it!" I swore under my breath as I touched my face. "Broke my nose -Shit!" Kadie looked unhurt, but she was shaking like a leaf. "What'll we do Darrin!" Kadie was on the edge of panic. I took a deep breath. The door behind us had blown open. Thru the window I saw the emergency evacuation slide pop out. I think they doubled as rafts. I ripped out my seat cushion pulling out a yellow life vest, helping Kadie into it. Passengers were already jumping out the door. I fitted myself with a life vest, pushing Katie in front of me. As I urged her forward, I saw her crotch was stained. Katie turned to me red faced. "I'm sorry Darrin, I am so scared I peed on myself." I compelled her to keep moving. "No Worries Kadie. We're all going be wet in a few minutes anyway, no one will notice. Besides I think we are all going to need a change of underwear after this." The crew was doing a great job getting everyone off. I helped some of the older passengers off, then saw no one was behind me. The water was almost knee deep in the plane. I grabbed bottles of water from the galley, throwing them out the door. "Sir what are you doing!" asked a frantic flight attendant manning the rear door. I continued to chuck individual water bottles, then entire cases of bottled water into the ocean outside. "It's hot out there Honey. We can't drink seawater." I persisted in my looting of the galley liquid supplies-soda, juice, milk, whatever would float. A man with pilot wings sloshed toward us. "Get the hell out!" he waved at us. "Everyone else has evacuated." He turned jumping out the door. I motioned toward the open hatch at the flight attendant. "Ladies first," Then I shoved her out the door, before jumping myself. +++++++ An old pilot axiom is the any landing you can walk away from is a good one. I wonder if the same applies for a landing you swim away from. One of the plane's wings was torn away, but the body of the plane was still intact. Our pilot had certainly earned his pay. He had done a magnificent job to bring down the plane in one piece. I saw of the six inflatable emergency slides, five had deployed, and were being used as rafts, although two were deflating. It looked like about 150 of us were floating around, with most people on the slides/rafts. The rest bobbing in life jackets, and holding onto buoyant seat cushions. I saw Kadie, then swam over to her, she looked terrified. "Hi Kadie!" I tried to put on a brave front. "Boy are we lucky! You know how much people pay to go on deep sea excursions?" Kadie gave me a weak smile. She was hanging onto a side of an inflated emergency slide. I gave her a boost, pushing her into the slide/raft to join a group of passengers there. The sea around us was filled with floating seat cushions, with other debris. The water was calm, but the biggest issue seemed to be the current pulling everyone apart. It was separating us into small groups. The crew of the plane was trying to keep everyone together. About an hour went by. I swam around, gathering up the bottles, and cans tossed from the wreck. I handed out armfuls to various groups of passengers, trying to keep their spirits up by telling every bad Cruise Director and Entertainer joke I could remember from onboard. Paddling up to the slide/raft Kadie was on, I tossed a bunch of cans of soda, and juice into her lap. Plastering a big smile on my face I said "Miss Kadie, here is your order. That will be six dollars, and eighty five cents –not including tip." Ugly American Ch. 02 As others in the makeshift raft passed around the drinks, Kadie gave me a strange look. "Darrin are we stranded out here? Are we gonna die?" "Kadie I told you, you're with me, and I am too ugly to die. The Captain said the distress signal was sent out, so the coast guard should be here soon. But my money is on the ROYAL VIKING." Kadie seemed to ignore my answer, scanning the ocean. "Yea OK. But what about sharks?" I looked around, it was a hot day. Most people had removed their shirts, holding them up as temporary sun shades. "Kadie don't worry. Sharks don't come out this far mostly because they prefer colder water. Besides since 1997 there have been less than six shark attacks in the Caribbean. Generally sharks don't attack people. This isn't the movie 'JAWS'." Of course, I had never even seen a shark in my life, until a few months ago at the Miami Seaquarium. All I knew about sharks is what I had seen on the DISCOVERY Channel, during their "Shark Week" marathon. I heard a noise off in the distance. I looked to the sky, it was clear with no clouds, so it could not be thunder. Then Kadie shaded her brow with her hand. Peering out with her younger eyes, I saw her spot something. "IT"S A BOAT! IT'S A BOAT!" Kadie screamed, jumping up on the slide/raft, promptly falling overboard with a splash. Suddenly everyone was pointing, and shouting. Off in the distance a white looming shape could be seen cresting the horizon. "That ain't no boat! I yelled. "That's a ship! That's the ROYAL VIKING!" A prettier sight you have never seen as the ROYAL VIKING steamed toward us. Captain Sven was putting on quite a show. Blowing the ships horn, shooting off flares, the whole nine yards! I do not know if it was happiness, or the saltwater, but I had tears in my eyes. Everyone was screaming, waving their arms as the ROYAL VIKING approached. When the ship got about two hundred yards away, she slowed, turning to show us her portside. Kadie was frantic. "Why are they stopping! They're not going to leave us!" I patted her shoulder. "Calm down Kadie. Just watch." I knew what was coming. We stared in amazement as the ROYAL VIKING performed a complicated ballet, that was carried out with military precision. This was no Italian ocean vessel; Captain Sven came from a long line of professional Nordic seamen, stretching back to the Viking days. He took his duties seriously, tolerating no errors. I had seen Captain Sven personally oversee countless drills, making sure his crew knew their jobs, backwards, forwards or blindfolded. Soon large orange topped boats, manned by lifejacket crewmembers were lowered, launched simultaneously in the blink of any eye. A dozen of these boats sped toward us in an arrowhead formation. I saw the familiar face of my boss Mac in the lead craft, standing by a tall white haired man, next to a guy with a video camera. The ships decks were crowed with waving, cheering passengers, and crew. From all the flashes it seemed every single one of them had a camera of some sort. The ships tenders formed a ring around us, than began plucking soggy, but grateful plane passengers, and crew from the water. Now that the waiting and tension was over, I actually began to enjoy myself. Swimming in the warm waters, I helped others onto the Rescue crafts, backstroking from group to group. After a while, just about everyone was out of the water. As I approached the lead boat, I saw Mac staring down at me. Mac had that grin on his face. "Darrin, you daft bastard. Get in the god damn boat." I was about to grab onto his extended hand, when I saw the white haired guy shouting, and waving. I turned, seeing Kadie had drifted off from the group, about twenty yards away. I let go of the ladder, starting to swim after Kadie. "Darrin, you bloody fool!" I heard Mac's voice behind me. "Get your ass back here." I reached Kadie, who was floating on her back. As I grabbed onto her lifevest, she turned, giving me a pouty smile. In a little girl voice she said. "Ah Gee Mister, do I gotta go now? I want to stay and play in the pool some more." For someone, that an hour ago had wet her pants in terror, Kadie sure had changed moods. Typical teenager! I laughed. "Come on they're waiting for you." Spying a movement behind her, my blood froze. Two dorsal fins were knifing thru the water approaching us. I tried to stay calm, but my heart started beating a million times a minute. Now I do not care how many awards DISCOVERY Channel's "Shark Week" won, I was not willing to bet our lives on a TV program. I ripped off Kadie's flimsy lifejacket. "Kadie, quick! Get on my back, than hold on! NOW!" "But why?" Kadie said. Then her eyes opened wide, as she saw the oncoming fins. Kadie was not the only one who saw the sharks. Everyone in the lifeboats were pointing, and shouting. Mac started yelling. "Swim you son of a bitch! Fucking HURRY your bloody arse!" I needed no inspiration, racing toward the boat, swimming faster than any Olympic gold medalist. Something large bumped against my abdomen, I almost let go my bowels. I was almost there, just a few yards away. As the distance closed, people on the boat were screaming themselves hoarse. Everyone was shouting encouragement, as if it were the last leg of a relay race at a swim meet. I caught a glimpse of the white haired guy franticly screaming out Kadie's name. My hand touched the side of the boat. Mac was hanging upside-down from the ladder. He yanked Kadie off my back with one hand, flinging her over the side, into the boat. I actually felt Macs hand on mine, than something chomped into my left leg, pulling me under the water... Ugly American Ch. 03 The last of the series. Appreciate the readers who have stuck with the story Thanks to mikothebaby for her editing Advise. All and any errors are all mine. +++++ From Part 2... Two dorsal fins were knifing thru the water approaching us. I tried to stay calm, but my heart started beating a million times a minute. Now I do not care how many awards DISCOVERY Channel's "Shark Week" won, I was not willing to bet our lives on a TV program. I ripped off Kadie's flimsy lifejacket. "Kadie, quick! Get on my back, than hold on! NOW!" "But why?" Kadie said. Then her eyes opened wide, as she saw the oncoming fins. Kadie was not the only one who saw the sharks. Everyone in the lifeboats were pointing, and shouting. Mac started yelling. "Swim you son of a bitch! Fucking HURRY your bloody arse!" I needed no inspiration, racing toward the boat, swimming faster than any Olympic gold medalist. Something large bumped against my abdomen, I almost let go my bowels. I was almost there, just a few yards away. As the distance closed, people on the boat were screaming themselves hoarse. Everyone was shouting encouragement, as if it were the last leg of a relay race at a swim meet. I caught a glimpse of the white haired guy franticly screaming out Kadie's name. My hand touched the side of the boat. Mac was hanging upside-down from the ladder. He yanked Kadie off my back with one hand, flinging her over the side, into the boat. I actually felt Macs hand on mine, than something chomped into my left leg, pulling me under the water... ++++ I was underwater grasping for breath, and swallowed a mouthful of seawater. The water around my leg was a cloud of blood. One of the sharks was moving away with a big chunk of my calf in his jaws. "Fucking DISCOVERY Channel!" I thought as the pain hit me. Then a surge of adrenaline pumped thru my body. No way was I going to leave my son fatherless, to become fish food! I kicked as hard as I could, the pain in my leg competing with the adrenaline rush. My efforts were enough to launch me out of the water. I broke the surface, grabbing onto the rope ladder. I had just gripped the second rung when a massive weight latched onto my back, and neck. It felt like being stabbed with a hundred knives. Last thing I saw was Mac pointing a flare gun in my face as he said. "You ain't coming aboard my boat you sorry bastard!" He pulled the trigger. My whole world exploded into white noise. ++++ The rest was a dizzying array of memories. I felt Mac slapping my face. "Darrin, Stay with me Lad. You gotta stay with me." There was a crowd of people around me. I was laying on my side, against something rough. We all seemed to be bobbing up, and down, side to side. I felt seasick among other things. I mumbled "You shooting sucks Mac. You missed me. Mister big time Special Boat Service guy. Mac gave me a grin. "That's it Darrin keep talking. I didn't miss you bloody fool. I blew that fucking shark off your back into the watery hell which it came." A wave of pain hit me so intense I closed my eyes. I heard Kadie's tearful voice as if thru a tunnel. "Is he gonna die? You can't let him die!" I tried to speak, but my voice was a whisper. Mac moved closer to me. "Darrin, what did you say?" "I AM TOO UGLY TOO DIE!" I shouted, trying to will away the pain. I heard laughter from the crowd of people, before everything faded to black. +++++ An annoying beeping sound was off to my left, as I tried to open my eyes. The damn bleeping was grating on my nerves, as well as an irritating itch on my left leg. I went to move my arm, finding it attached to a bunch of tubes. Focusing, I saw I was in some type of Hospital with Zoie sleeping in a chair to my right. "OH, I see our special guest is finally awake." I turned my head as a nurse walked in carrying some type of bag. She walked to the window to fling open the curtains, flooding the room with light. "How did I get here?" I croaked in a hoarse voice. The nurse made some adjustments to a monitor before answering. "When a ranking senior member of congress throws his weight around, people move!" Zoie leaped out the chair at hearing my voice, wrapping her arms around me, burying her head in my neck. "Darrin, I was so worried. We almost lost you a couple of times. You lost so much blood, than the shark bites on your back turned septic. You were not responding well to the antibiotics. They had you on life support, inducing a coma to let you heal. You have been out almost three weeks. Darrin, if you would not have made it, I would have just died!" "Yea Zoie, me too." I joked, as I felt her tears on my neck. I tried to embrace Zoie, but the network of tubes in my arms was like a spider web of plastic, holding the limbs down. Still I was feeling pretty good, all things considered. However, I was drugged up to the eyeballs. "Zoie, where am I? How did I get here?" "Darrin, this is one of the best hospitals in Washington DC. Same one the president, and Congress uses. The girl you saved...um Kadie? They visit you here lots. Well her Dad is a big shot in your Government. He got your Navy to send a special plane for you." Zoie took my hand. "They were not going to let me on the flight. I told them they better have the whole Army, and your Marines with them, because I was not leaving your side." Zoie then returned to the chair to pull out her laptop. Pressing a few keys, she put the computer on my lap, turning the screen toward me. "Darrin, you know you are now a star." I watched in fascination as the saga was played out on Zoies laptop. The Reality TV show crew trailing the congressman, had recorded the whole thing. The Episode was titled "Too Ugly to Die." Due to the magic of editing, I was turned into a mix of Rambo, John Wayne, and Superman. If the TV show was to be believed, I was responsible for the planes safe landing, rescuing all the passengers, saving the little girl, while singlehandedly fighting off a school of giant sharks, they even had a loosely based, colorful "recreation", of my pirate adventure. All that was missing was the knife between my teeth, a bottle of rum, and an eye patch. As the screen went blank, I turned toward Zoie. "What? No footage of me saving handicapped kittens with asthma, from trees?" Zoie laughed, then clicked a few more keys, turning the screen back toward me. The laptop showed clips of college kids, high school students, senior citizens, even babies in strollers wearing T shirts that had a shark, and old fashioned Pirate character, with a circle and red line thru them. Bold lettering above, and below, proclaimed, "TOO UGLY TOO DIE!" I just shook my head, but Zoie clapped her hands. "Darrin it has ..as you say 'Gone Viral'. A man come to ask to make up Tee shirts, mugs, stickers and other stuff. He say we get some money for it. I agree, and say Yes." Zoie looked at me for approval. "You no mind, right?" I just waved my hand. "Zoie if you can make some money off this foolishness, God Bless you." Zoie gave me a big hug, and kiss. ++++ We did not make a fortune off the "Too Ugly To Die" stuff. It was too easy to copy. Who was going to go to court, for small change. The money did come in handy, because with the housing bust, my brother and I found we could buy a lot of house for our money. Me, with the recent windfall, he and his wife, with the money from their previous home sale up north. The realtor the company provided, found two large houses in a great neighborhood, side by side. The contractor had completely renovated these old mansions. They both had two car garages, with new floors, modern Air conditioning, new appliances, even solar panels. The places were expected to fetch almost a million dollars each in the "Old Days". But now in default, they were bank owned. The bank couldn't complete the paperwork fast enough, when we offered them less than a quarter of that in cash. My rehab was a pain, made worse by having all the medical people around. My brother, his wife, plus Zoie, never cut me a break on my exercises. Yes, Zoie was living with us now. Our grateful Congressman had tacked Zoie's citizenship in some farm subsidy bill. We even got to go to the bill signing. He had his staff make a few phone calls, and like magic Zoie got the medical school transcripts from her old country. It is good to have high friends, in high places. I set back up my biodiesel still. Not that we could not afford gas money, but I was still addicted to my frugal ways. Besides, I did not need to scour grease traps anymore. Any of the cruise ships was happy to off load me a 50 gallon drum of used vegetable oil from the galley. Hell, they put it right in my truck. I rarely paid for petrol..I mean diesel..Damn I have been hanging around those Brits too much. +++++ Zoie had one really odd quirk, she loved to clean the house. Zoie said she appreciated the house chores as it gave her instant gratification. All those years aboard ships, or living in hotels with room service, had made her miss the simple task of just basic cleaning. Now some claim what I lack in intelligence, I make up for in stupidity, but no one ever said I was a fool. If Zoie found happiness in doing the dishes, vacuuming, laundry, and dusting, who was I to deny her that joy? Hell, I was going to encourage this behavior as long as I could. Today I had a rare day off, no ships were in port, Mac was at a conference, while nothing at the office needed my attention. Zoie was dressed in what I called her "Cleaning Battle Gear". Scuffed jeans, sandals, a scarf tied around her head, with an apron, whose pockets were filled with solvents, and wipes. She had the ever present dust mop gripped, in her hand. I heard the doorbell ring. You could have knocked me over with the feather duster, when Zoie entered the room, trailed by my Ex-wife Anita. "Darrin someone is here to see you..." Zoie began Anita interrupted, stepping in front of Zoie. "It's OK Dear. I don't need a housekeeper to announce me to my husband of over a decade." Anita was walking toward me, with her arms extended, wide open in expectation of a hug. I jumped from my chair, stumbling over the coffee table in an attempt to escape. It took my brain a moment to process the information. "Anita, I am your EX-husband remember. Something to do with you becoming a cum dump for air travel upgrades. What are you doing here?" The smile vanished from Anita's face as she dropped to the couch. "Darrin, its been..been.." She took a moment to compose herself. "Can you have your housekeeper get me a cup of coffee, please. I have been on a bus for three days. It was brutal." I was about to tell her that Zoie was not a maid, when Zoie spoke up. "Of course Madam. Would you like cream and sugar? Perhaps a pastry?" I observed that Zoie laid on the accent really heavy all of the sudden. Anita never noticed. "Oh would you Dear? That would be fine. Cream and sugar please." I studied Anita sitting there, She looked terrible. Anita was aged beyond her years, as if she had been rode hard, then put away wet. Anita had lost weight, her rumpled clothes just seemed to hang off her frame. Anita had always taken great pride in her appearance, now she had on no make-up, her once shiny blond hair was dull, even showing streaks of gray. Zoie returned with a tray containing coffee, with some small cookies. Anita attacked them ravenously before turning toward Zoie. "Thank you so much Dear. Can you please leave us alone for a few minutes. I am sure you have work to do." I started to object but Zoie just answered "You are welcome Madam. Excuse me." Her accent was so heavy I barely understood her, I saw a mischievous twinkle in her eye. Zoie left the room, but lingered by the kitchen door within earshot. Anita bit into a cookie, brushing the crumbs off her knee before speaking. "Wes and I are no longer together Darrin." I could not resist. "I thought his name was Wesley? In fact you made it quite clear he was to be called Wesley. What happened, you cheat on him too? Meet someone with more frequent flier miles, and airport executive club privileges?" Anita looked down at her feet. The shoes were worn. "I guess I deserved that, but no that Bastard left me. Hooked up with some bimbo. I never saw it coming. I found out from that bitch's husband. He just showed up one day at the house with pictures, and everything." "What a Bastard." I agreed, not bothering to hide my smile. "Oh do not look so smug Darrin. I can appreciate the irony." Anita took another sip of her coffee. "Anita, you take up with a serial cheater, force him into a marriage expecting to travel the globe, then live happily ever after? Gee what could POSSIBLY go wrong?" I finally sat in the chair. "Yes karma payback indeed. Anita" "Please wipe that smile off your face Darrin, it is not like you to gloat. That dumb bleach blonde does not know what she is in for. The housing crash wiped us out. She is not going to get squat. Her and Wes are both going to be living in that trailer park broke, dodging bill collectors for a long time." Anita scanned the room. "You seem to be doing well." She was looking around at all the photos on the wall. Some were of me in different countries. Zoie had really made our house into a home. "Darrin, when did you start to travel so much?" Anita's gaze stopped on one picture. She got up to take a closer look. "Darrin, is that you with the President of our United States. "Sure is Anita." I tried to sound as casual as possible about my 2nd favorite picture. "Really nice guy. That picture was taken in the White House Rose Garden after a bill signing. He is a lot taller than on TV. He even signed AJ's souvenirs, after we got a tour of Air Force One." Anita's mouth was open. "Surely you are joking. These pictures must be photo shopped." Again I could not resist. "I am not joking, and don't call me Shirley." Anita made no response still staring at the picture. (Damn, didn't anyone see the "Airplane" movies?). "Anita the pictures are real. They were taken by the official white house photographer. You can see the emblem in the right hand corner of the picture. It was after spending the night in the Lincoln bedroom. Fun fact, do you know Lincoln never slept there? It was really just an office." Anita kept starring at the picture. "Why are you, and the President holding up that Tee Shirt reading 'Too Ugly Too Die'?" "Long story Anita." She slowly turned toward me. "My God Darrin, why didn't you do this when we were together?" I just shrugged. "Maybe I would have. If I recall, you ran off to fuck your boss in some cheap hotel before I had a chance. You didn't stick around long enough to find out, and give us an opportunity." She straighten up, looking me right in the eye. "Well that's going to change Darrin. I thought we could let what is in the past, be water under the bridge. We have both changed, but are still connected together thru AJ, and time." "Anita, if you shovel that BS any deeper I will need to put boots on." "Darrin, I am serious, and truly sorry for my past actions. But I am not holding a grudge that you cheated me out of my money, so.." I had to interrupt. "I would chose my words more carefully Anita, when talking about cheating. After running around during our marriage, stabbing me in the back, then ignoring your son, you expected payment? What is that 'Bounty after the Munity'?" "Darrin, I cannot say I'm sorry enough times. I am here to ask you for another chance. An opportunity for us to be a family like we once were." Anita saw the look on my face. "Please Darrin, let me speak before you say anything. I know it is going to be hard for you to get over my recent behavior. But you can trust me now, if you give me the possibility to prove it. We were good together in the past. We went through a lot by each others side. It will take a ton of work, but we are both wiser now, I know we can do it. I stood up from my chair. "The thing is Anita, knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting tomatoes in a fruit salad. Why would I want to put myself through all that hassle to be with you Anita? If Wes had not screwed around on you, would you still be here trying to get back together?" Anita folded her hands in her lap before answering. "Wes and I were over long before that bimbos husband showed up. I suspected Wes was just cheating on me too much." I could not suppress a laugh. "Cheating TOO much Anita? Is there an acceptable number? You and Wes sit down to work out a mathematical formula?" Anita was crestfallen. "No Darrin, it was not like that. I just thought Wes had gotten it out of his system. That the travel would bring us closer together. It was a big mistake. Deep down I knew I had made a huge blunder the day I walked out the door, when you confronted me with those Hotel logs. "Didn't sound like it back then. You claimed to be planning some 'Exit Strategy', scheming to dump me, and AJ in advance." "Darrin I was a naive idiot, who was sucked in by the bunch of slick lines Wes fed me." Anita looked at her hands. "Wes conned me, he claimed we would journey the world. No worries, just a voyage for myself, a grand escapade. Like a complete moron, I swallowed the whole thing." I let out a snort. "That's not all of Wes's you swallowed is it Anita?" There was a moment of silence as neither of us spoke. Then I softened for a second. "Why didn't you come back then Anita? I loved you so much. You and AJ were my whole world. I was so hurt, but we could have worked it out." Anita let out a sigh. "My God, so many times I wished to just come back. I have practiced this speech a thousand times in the past, as well as on the bus ride down here. Now it just seems so hollow. I cannot apologize enough. All that can be said is, I was a fool. Plain and simple. There was no excuse for my behavior. I knew you were a homebody type of guy. Not real adventurous, a solid slow slugger. Wes was a man of action, He wasn't..um..ah" "What Anita? Wes wasn't what?" "Damn it Darrin, I don't know, I guess he wasn't afraid, he made things happen, he was so different from you." Anita was fidgeting in her seat. "Anita, if this is your idea of an apology, you really suck at it." "Darrin, I promised myself I would never lie to you ever again, so I am not going do it now. My actions, behavior, thinking, everything, was just wrong, wrong, wrong. What I did with him, to you and AJ, was monumentally stupid, both then and now. At that time I thought it was my only chance to see the world, travel without being tied down. It was just one big mess of my own making, which I realized too late. Yet I had too much pride to come crawling back. In the back of my mind, I subconsciously thought you would still be waiting for me. Keeping the home fires burning, that kind of thing. It's terrible to admit, but you were unconsciously probably my fall back plan all along. The man I knew I would return to one day. Your love for me, that stable anchor rock, would be strong enough to accept me, even after everything. " Anita looked up at me, tears starting to rim her eyes. "I wasn't completely mistaken though Darrin. You are still here all alone in this big empty house. I've come back, to do whatever you want, or ask. I mean anything, if it will get us back together. Can't we at least try?" A memory of the deep love I felt for Anita returned. I had been with her most of my life. It was like a warm comfortable blanket. Anita was contrite, what she said did make sense. I thought. "We all make mistakes we regret. Anita was a small town girl at heart. I could see her getting conned by Wesley. It would be hard for her to resist, as he dangled dreams of travel in front or her. Was there a chance to regain that feeling for us again? Be the family we once were?" This idea was rattling around in my head, taking a concrete form. Ugly American Ch. 03 Then the pain of her betrayal, and actions that day and up to now splashed over me like freezing water. The past was the past. "That ship done sailed Anita." I got to give Anita credit, she did not give up. "Please Darrin, can't you give me the chance? I know about the dates your brother tried to fix you up with. They were a total disaster weren't they?" She took my silence for a yes. "Look around Darrin. You may think I am slightly damaged goods now, but I am a known quantity. As a single father, do you really think you can find someone who will love you and AJ as much as me? I had my reality check. If you face it, you know for better, or worse, I am the best bet you have." I motioned toward the kitchen for Zoie to come forward. "Anita, I don't need to bet. I have a sure thing for AJ, and I right here." Zoie stepped up, taking my hand in hers. Now it was Anita's turn to be stunned. She looked aghast. "You are dating the maid? You would choose that..that.. her over me!" "No Anita I am not dating the maid. I am engaged to my finance, who is a Doctor that speaks seven languages." "But Darrin, I was your wife for a dozen years, the mother of your child." Anita stood up from the couch. "My God Darrin, the woman looks like she just got off the boat. She barely speaks English!" Zoië had that mischievous twinkle in her eye again, as she reached out grasping Anita's hand in a handshake. Then in almost perfect English, with just a hint of an upper-class British accent, and steel in her voice Zoie said. "Hello Anita. In fact I did just get off the boat. You recall the ship ROYAL VIKING don't you?" Anita's pupils widen as Zoie continued. "Welcome to our home. AJ is a fine boy, I do so much enjoy spending time with him and Darrin." Anita was speechless, then her eye caught my favorite picture hanging in a place of prominence over the mantel. It was of Zoie and I, on the ROYAL VIKING. Her, in a stunning evening gown all made up, with me in my tux. Anita put the pieces together. "You...You." She sputtered at Zoie. "Are the lady from the cruise ship. The one sitting at the Captains table with Darrin that night." "Guilty as charged." Zoie said with a smile. "Do you wish to stay to visit with AJ, or do you need to be going?" Speak of the Devil, and he does appear. Just then AJ came running into the house, slamming the door, despite what we had told him countless times. AJ was holding his skateboard, wearing an oversize "Too UGLY TO DIE" Tee shirt, with an MP3 player hanging around his neck. We could hear him talking loudly, before he even reached the room. "Hey Dad, whose beat up, crummy suitcases are sitting by the door?" AJ rounded the corner into the room. He stopped dead in his tracks at seeing Anita. I heard him utter a phrase that was a curse, in either Finnish or Norwegian. Zoie broke the silence. "AJ your mother traveled three days on a bus to come see you." AJ answered with a tone only teenagers can manage. "The bus huh? What happened Mom, your broom break down?" "AJ!!" both Zoie and I said in unison. AJ looked around the room. "Where's the old guy Mom? You know your other hubby, that Wes dude." Anita was still a little stunned by everything, and now AJ's attitude. "Son, that man Wesley, and I are no longer together." She said. AJ digested that for a second. "Is that why you came to Florida Mom? Going to cruise the senior citizen centers trying for another husband? Should be lots of candidates for you up at Century Village Retirement Home" "AJ stop that right now!" I ordered However AJ was on a roll. "Mom my friend Raul's great grandfather still lives with them. You'd might go for Pepe Jose, he is just your type. I mean he is really really old –like almost a hundred." I strode toward AJ, but he would not stop talking. "Ya know Mom, Pepe Jose is a wheelchair and stuff, but with all the new pills and junk, plus your help, you might still be able to have him get it up. Wanna see if I set you two up?" Anita fell onto the couch breaking down into tears. I grabbed AJs arm, yanking him out of the room into the kitchen. "AJ what has gotten into you? You have no right to talk to your Mother that way." AJ answer was defiant. "Come on Dad we both know Mom is a traitor to this family. She ran away from us faster than a rap singer from a drug test. "Now AJ that is not true at all." AJ spouted off a German curse word, before continuing in English. "Dad you can't tell me Mom didn't jump into bed at the first good offer to leave us hanging." He saw the look on my face. "It's OK Dad, I heard Uncle talking to Auntie about it one night. I don't want anything to do with that turncoat deserter. I ain't giving her another chance to betray us." I took a breath before speaking. "AJ listen, I am not defending your Moms actions. But let us look at this as an "unusual" occurrence, and gauge your Mom's time with you as a whole. Think back to when you were little, and sick in the hospital. Who was always by your side? Mom. Who took care of you when you came home? Mom. Who taught you when you could not go to school anymore? Mom. Now after all those years of what she has done for you, don't you have even a little room in your heart for her?" I could see AJ was weakening, but still struggling with his anger. "But Dad how do we know she is not going to bail on us again? I trust Mom about as much as a crack whore around an eightball rock." "AJ you are old enough now to know that none of us are plastic saints. You might find you get along better with your Mother now that you can see her as a person. Remember what the Chaplin on the ROYAL VIKING you liked so much said? 'Hate the sin. Love the sinner'." "Dad just because Mom goes to church doesn't make her a good person. If I stand in the garage it doesn't make me a car." AJ's words said one thing, but his body language displayed that AJ was conflicted. "Son, just for me, go into that room, talk with your mother. Listen with an open mind to what she has to say. Can you do that? It is all I ask." AJ shuffled his feet a few times. "OK Dad I will do it. But only because you asked me!" As AJ spent some time with Anita alone, Zoie cornered me in the kitchen. "Darrin your old wife is.. how you say, in creek of shit with paddle missing." I peeked around the corner, Anita was still talking with AJ. I turned back to Zoie. "What did Anita say?" "Darrin your old wife's whole company imploded during recent housing problem. Everyone lost much money. Anita foolishly let her old husband do divorce because neither one had money for more barristers. According to the divorce laws of your country, both parties share debt, as well as assets when they part ways." I shrugged. "It will be some short time hassle for Anita, but not that big a deal. She can declare personal bankruptcy, like a lot of people are doing now." Zoie shook her head. "I do not think so Darrin. Looks like Anita and old husband had personally signed for a lot of strange mortgages, that cannot be discharged by your courts. On top of that, the Tax man says she owes a lot of money to them." I winced. "If you owe the IRS in America you are in trouble. I know that is the one of the few debts you can't duck." "Darrin, there is a bigger problem for Anita now. She has no money, nowhere to stay. Anita did not have much of a plan, beyond trying to get back together with you." I looked around the kitchen. "Well the house is pretty big, we do have some extra rooms.." Zoie started swearing in some language, while I tried to hold in my laughter. I finally let the smile break across my face, putting my hands up in gesture of surrender. "Zoie relax! I am just kidding. We will find a hotel or someplace to put Anita up, spot her a few bucks." Zoie was calming down as she pulled out her cell phone. "I know just the place Darrin, a lot of the crew stay there between contracts. It has long term furnished rentals with kitchens, plus it is near the bus stop. The rates are very reasonable. Best of all, it is not here." +++++ Anita was unable to find any job, let alone one that would support her, especially if the IRS was to be garnishing a large portion of her wages. Zoie used her contacts to get Anita hired onboard a ship. It was a rust bucket that did two, and three night loops to the Bahamas, basically "Booze Cruises". The job cleaning cabins was hard, had long hours, while not paying very well. However it was a steady job, which included room and board, plus tips. The contract was 10 months on, and 8 weeks off. While I think Zoie would have been happier if Anita was working on ship in the Antarctic, she did not protest when after Anita's second contract, my brother let her stay in a spare room at his place next door. This arrangement allowed Anita to spend more time with AJ. Over time my son and his mother came to an understanding, although I never saw them have the relationship Zoie and AJ seemed to share. Never less, all parties got along. After her third contract, Anita had moved up to a low level management position on her ship. Zoie did not object, accepting when Anita volunteered to help out after the birth of our second child. Soon Anita became a fixture around the house in between her ship contracts, although Anita still was bunking at my brothers next door. This was a big advantage when Zoie was studying for her Board exams, which she aced first time around. My wife is now one of the most respected anesthesiologist at the hospital. AJ is looking into applying to the Naval Academy (having a Congressman to secure an appointment helps.). My two new sons are a rowdy bunch, and talk in several languages. The boys are a spitting image of their mother-Thank God. But then again sometimes there is an advantage in being too ugly....