165 comments/ 149252 views/ 37 favorites Twelve Years and a Wake up By: Slirpuff After two years of dating and almost ten of marital bliss what did I have to show for it? An insanely over priced home, a mediocre job, a marriage that was on life support and a group of friends that were always trying to out do one another. The only bright spot was our two wonderful kids, David who is eight and a half and Megan who just turned seven this month. If it weren't for them I'd be out of here in a heartbeat but there is no way I would do that to them, well not yet anyway. Divorce? Not an option. We purchased our home at the peak of the market. We went in debt up to our eyeballs thinking if we didn't jump in immediately we'd never be able to afford a home later, a huge mistake. The house is nice and all, but we're, as they call it, house poor. If we got divorced, neither one of us could afford the payments by themselves. So I stay in this marriage because of the kids and not wanting to live out of the back seat of my car. But for how long is my only question. It wasn't always like this, but I guess stress and moving in two different directions is what happened. Heather wanted the storybook marriage along with the house with the white picket fence. And me? Well I wanted to marry the love of my life and travel the world in our spare time. Kids have a way of changing those dreams. Heather ended up pregnant while we were planning our vacation to the South of France. How? She made the mistake of forgetting to take her birth control pills with her on one of our weekend getaways and thought that she'd be ok since it wasn't her fertile time of the month. She always was bad in math and with a bun in the oven our trip to France had to be put on the back burner. After David, she told me that if we wanted another one we should have it right away so they would be close together in age and we'd be done with diapers and potty training all at once. We didn't count on it taking her longer to get pregnant the second time around. It was loads of fun at first actually trying to make a baby, but after a while it was, 'just put it in and get it over with.' Then with two small ones in the house, there wasn't much traveling anymore and when we did, we needed a travel trailer just to hold everything we thought we might need. "Dreams never really die; they're just put on hold knowing that they will resurface later when things settle down," I kept telling myself to lift my spirits as I did one mundane task or another. I can't say life was dull with two kids in the house; it just wasn't the kind of excitement I sometimes was looking for. After eight years we had became the typical suburbia married couple. The kids had sports and other activities and we had a group of friends that were mostly like us, doing their best to live the American Dream. But when we hit nine years my brain woke up and didn't like what it saw any longer. We were barely scrapping by. The country club dues along with two new car payments were taking their toll. Our kids always needed something and our yearly wage increases just weren't keeping up. We were living way beyond our means. Heather was a secretary and clerk in a law firm and I was a middle manager in a manufacturing plant. Though our jobs weren't high profile, along with as much overtime I could muster, they just covered our comfortable life style. And Heather and I? Well we both loved the kids anyway. Dockers and a polo shirt was the normal outfit of the day for me while Heather was always dressed to the nines. As Heather put it, she had to look professional since she was meeting the firms clients. For Christ's sakes, she was a law clerk, not trying cases before the Supreme Court. The worst part was, after almost ten years of marriage the spark was all but gone. The arguments about money and everything else had thrown bucket after bucket of cold water on our relationship. We were civil to one another, and even still slept in the same bed, but that was about it. We were in it for our kids now. At our neighborhood get togethers everyone thought we were that happy couple. I never told anyone that we weren't but I could see the looks from the other wives and knew that Heather was opening her big mouth about our home life. I guess it didn't really matter except that I didn't want everyone knowing our business, not that it was going to change anything. The only good thing that came from these get togethers, was that Heather usually had too much to drink and would come back horny and wanting a little relief. I'd stopped calling it love making a while ago, it was more like a much-needed sexual release. It wasn't an all night session and there usually wasn't much foreplay, just a lot of sucking and fucking to coin a phrase. Then the next day we went back to being the typical Ozzie and Harriet couple. It sucked. We'd only had sex twice in the last month and I was getting tired of asking. Let me rephrase that, I was tired of begging. I had needs that were in no way being met. Hell I was a guy and guys all wanted to do it every hour on the hour, but per Heather it wasn't going to happen, well not in her lifetime. At first she used the kids as an excuse, then she was tired, and finally she just wasn't in the mood. Things came to kind of a head after our last neighborhood get together. It was at our house this month and by the time everyone had left, Heather was feeling no pain. I cleaned up most of the basics and the rest could wait until after breakfast on Sunday. I was more than ready for a little relief but by the time I'd made it upstairs, Heather had already showered and was in bed. I snuggled up, kissed her on the neck, but got no response. I let my hands wander and then I heard it. It wasn't loud but unmistakable; she was snoring. She was down for the count. I tried a few things but to no avail. I begrudgingly took a shower, got a little hand relief and went to sleep. I wasn't a happy camper. I had breakfast going for the kids when she made her way down to the kitchen. Even with a hot skillet of bacon and the other with eggs cooking, there was frost in the air. "Sorry about last night." I said nothing. "It wasn't intentional, I just had too much to drink last night." My anger must have tripped the stupid switch in my brain as I took it up a notch. "You now need to be drunk to have sex with me? Be still my heart, I don't need your pity fucks." The look on her face was priceless. "You can keep them because they haven't been worth the wait lately anyway." I said thinking about the last time when I'd grabbed her coming out of the shower. It was like fucking a blowup doll. As I said it, I'd ratcheted it up more than a couple of notches. She finally replied. "If you weren't pawing at me all the time maybe I'd be in the mood more often." "Maybe if I got some more than a couple times a year I wouldn't be pawing at you all the time." "You're just like a dog in heat, all you're looking to do is get yourself off." I was tired of her holier than though attitude. "Don't worry I won't be bothering you anymore." "Good, it'll be a refreshing change not to have to fend you off every time I walk by you." "Heather, why don't you go fuck yourself?" At that she looked shocked, I'd never spoken to her in that way. "But on second thoughts, you're probably doing that anyway." I walked away leaving two pans on the stove burning away. She tried to backtrack a bit that night but I was still angry and was tired of all the excuses. We got into it again and she stormed out of the room and I went to sleep. Well, what I did was turn off the light, lock our bedroom door and try to sleep, which didn't happen. I was almost ready to add our marriage to the growing number of divorce statistic, money or no money. I think she tried the doorknob around two o'clock in the morning but there was no way I was letting her in the room. Where she ended up sleeping is anyone's guess. With just three bedrooms in the house and all of them being used, that just left the couch in the TV room. It was old and hard as a rock. At six o'clock I got up, took a shower, got dressed, and finally opened up our bedroom door. I woke up the kids, got them moving, and headed downstairs. Heather came out of the den and shot daggers at me. "Morning to you too," I said walking past her. A cup of coffee and laying out the kids breakfast is what I did before leaving the house. This was the start of the new polar ice age. After that we didn't talk. We would say words to one another but we didn't talk. No kisses, hugs, or any shows of affection were exchanged. Heels were dug in and when I told her that I wasn't going to Carol and Tim's BBQ she about had a fit. "What am I going to tell them?" "How about the truth? That would be novel idea wouldn't it? But I suppose all the wives already know what an uncaring asshole I already am." I didn't back down and she and the kids walked across the street with her Jell-O mold in hand. She came back smashed, as usual, but she wasn't looking for any loving this time. "Everyone asked where you were. I told them you weren't feel well and let it go at that." "Why didn't you tell them I'm married to a frigid bitch and got tired of begging for it?" She wasn't in the mood or was too drunk to argue at this point. She took a shower, put on one of her normal tee shirts and slid into bed. When I felt her reach for me, I pulled away. She didn't try again. So our new life went on week by week. I gave myself a little hand relief when it was needed and I think Heather went through a box of batteries. When she went out with a couple of friends on a Friday night I was almost happy to have her out of the house for the night. But when she got home some time after midnight, the look on her face told me we now had an even bigger issue. Even though I didn't want to believe it, I think Heather had taken our problems to a whole new level. She didn't say a word to me Saturday and made sure not to make any eye contact. Lava was brewing inside me but I was going to make her bring it up, which didn't happen. When she went out twice more and came back looking the same way I finally did something to bring it to a head. It was Friday night and she was getting dressed to go out with her girlfriends again. Sue was honking for her in the driveway and just as she was giving me the spiel about not waiting up for her I tossed them to her. She caught them and time stopped. It was a three pack of condoms. "I just want to make sure you don't bring anything back with you that's contagious. There is a ton of shit out there and I don't want my kids picking up anything your lovers might give you." She was dumbstruck but at this point I no longer cared what she thought. She started to say something but I stopped her dead. "Your lover is probably waiting for you and you don't want to be late, do you?" I turned around and walked into the kitchen. When I heard the door close, I had my answer. She was home by eleven. I wasn't sure if she was drunk or not, but it no longer made a difference. I faked being asleep and it took forever for her to come to bed. I was waiting for something, anything to see if there was even a chance to save what we once had but nothing happened. Saturday morning I think she tried to start to say something to me a couple of times but stopped before anything came out of her mouth. It did shock the hell out of her when I put on my best suit and got ready to go out while she was preparing dinner. I even put on my favorite cologne and sprayed two squirts into the air to make sure Heather would notice. With a "don't wait up for me," I was out the door and on my way to dinner, alone. I didn't have a date, and I didn't have a clue where I was going, I just wanted to show her she wasn't the only who had someone interested in them. I went to dinner at Denny's and then went bowling, something I hadn't done in forever. As expected, I was awful. I barely broke a hundred the first game, and by my fourth, my arm and thumb had started hurting, I was using muscles I hadn't used in the last ten years, but I had fun. I joked around with the groups on either side of me and even flirted with a couple of the unescorted ladies. Was it going to go any further? Not really. None of them even remotely interested me and I had enough problems without me also starting an affair. I drove around town for another half hour to make sure I didn't come home before midnight. It didn't surprise me that she was waiting up for me. I had my suit jacket thrown over my shoulder, and walked by her without even acknowledging her presence; two could play this game. Heather didn't go out the next Friday night but I was dressed and out the door by seven o'clock on Saturday. I went to see part one of the new Harry Potter movie, had dinner at a Boston Market and hit a comedy club for their ten-thirty adult show. Stopping at a bar for a nightcap, I didn't have to drive around this time, because it was almost one in the morning before I was on my way home. I'd had fun even by myself. It would have been more fun being with someone else but I was tired of being the odd man out in my own marriage. She was in bed this time and even though she looked like she was asleep I knew she wasn't. I took a long shower, brushed my teeth, and finally slipped into bed naked as the day I was born. I stayed to my side of the bed and waited for her to say or do something; but like before, nothing. "Have fun last night?" Heather said at breakfast. "Yes I did, thanks for asking," I said with a smile. However, that wasn't exactly what she meant by that statement but I wasn't playing her little game and no way was she sucking me into a fight this morning. By this time the kids were in the kitchen and everyone was settling into what used to be our typical Sunday breakfast. Kids are usually oblivious to what's happening between adults unless it's loud and or includes them. Since we were no longer fighting or doing much of anything together they saw no reason to worry. I too wasn't worried because I'd basically given up on my marriage and was looking ahead to what life had in store for me. I could have marked time until the kids were older but with her doing what I was sure she was now doing I was done with her. The one thing that did change however was my attitude and the people at work noticed. "Steve, you've been in such a good mood lately I'm glad the gloom and doom Steve is gone," our office secretary Debbie said when I came in and wished her a good morning with a big smile on my face. I was no longer looking at the clock at the end of the day because I no longer had anyone, other than my two kids, to rush home to. When I took one of the unmarried girls in the office to lunch no one said anything. But when it became a habit over the period of a couple of months people started talking, not to me mind you, but to everyone else. I was getting ready to make a few changes in my life, no use waiting for the other shoe to drop. When Heather came home late on Thursday the kids had already been fed and were upstairs doing their homework. When she walked in and our eyes met I fired a broadside. "Damn he must be great in bed, I haven't seen you with that satisfied a look on your face in years. I hope he was worth it." "Steve, you don't have clue what you're taking about. You just think you know everything when you don't know shit." "Anything you say hon," I replied smiling. "By the way are you going with me to Ken and Pan's BBQ this Saturday?" "No can do, I'll probably have plans." "You don't like our friends any more?" "By now all the wives think I'm some type of asshole and the guys probably think I'm some type of wimp for letting you fuck around on me, so no, I'd rather be gang raped by a group of Hells Angels than accompany you Saturday." "I'm not screwing around on you!" she screamed back at me. "Well if you're not getting it from me, you're getting it from someone and frankly I don't give a shit anymore. Besides they won't be my neighbors soon anyway." I'd been saving that one for just the right moment. "What the hell are you talking about now?" "Our house goes on the market for sale starting tomorrow." "Say what? You can't do that without my permission." "Not going to make much of a difference soon anyway. After the divorce you're not going to be able to afford the house payments and I'm sure as hell not going to make payments on a house so that you and your new lover can shack up at my expense." "What divorce?" "Ours sweetheart, haven't you been listening? I figure we might just make enough off the house to pay off the two cars and most of the credit card bills. This way we'll both be able to start fresh somewhere else. Me, I've got my eye on a little apartment about three blocks from work. I'll be able to save a ton on gas walking to work." Heather just stood there with her mouth wide open, not believing what was coming out of my mouth. "You've finally lost it, you know that? You've finally gone off the deep end." "Maybe, but at least I won't have to deal with a cold hearted bitch much longer." "Read my lips, I am not cheating on you, understand?" "Don't really care at this point anymore. What we had is long gone and I don't think an act of God could bring it back. I'm tired of your mood swings, your idiotic games and being married to my hand. I want a normal life with a caring and loving wife; which by the way is anyone but you. So you can go out, fuck anyone you want, and not worry about me, because frankly you haven't anyway in the last couple of years." I'd said my piece and headed up to my bedroom. It was still early but I was pretty drained. I read the kids a story, gave them both a kiss and said that their mother would be up soon to tuck them in. After brushing my teeth, I stripped down and went to sleep at nine thirty and surprisingly fell right to sleep. The next day there was a For Sale sign on our lawn. I figured it was going to be a long weekend so Friday night I picked up two movies the kids might want to watch. Heather was probably going out Friday night, which gave me more than enough alone time with the kids. When I pulled into the driveway, the For Sale sign was lying by the side of the house in pieces. Didn't really matter, it was on the MLS Listing and that's where everyone looked now a days anyway. "Dad are we really selling our house?" both kids asked me. "Yes we are sports, but don't worry, we'll be just fine." "See I told you we were moving," my son David told his younger sister Megan. They weren't going to like the upcoming changes but they were resilient and would survive. "You guys really selling the house?" Ken, my next-door neighbor asked me when I took the trashcans to the curb. "Yup, caught Heather cheating on me and divorcing the bitch," I said it with a smile on my face. He looked a little taken back at my frankness and said that he was sorry and would miss us, walking back to his house. I figured, knowing his wife Pam, in an hour the whole neighborhood would know. "We're not selling the house," Heather yelled as I walked through the kitchen door. "You can't sell it without my permission and I'm not giving it," she said with her arms crossed in front of her. "Then we'll get nothing out of the house when it goes into foreclosure. This way if we sold it at least we'll get a few bucks." "The house is not for sale!" "Suit yourself." I wasn't going to get into an argument about it. I went upstairs to change. After hearing two phone calls I could tell it was going to be a loud night. I heard "Jesus Christ" and "he said what?" as I slipped on a pair of shorts and a tee shirt. I waked down the stairs to beard the lioness in her kitchen. Twelve Years and a Wake up "You told Ken and his wife I've been cheating on you and that we're getting a divorce? Are you out of your ever-loving mind?" She screamed. "Probably for staying this long, but what's the big deal?" "The big deal is that everyone in our neighborhood now thinks I'm some kind of tramp that's what the big deal is," she said screaming back at me. "At least two of the neighborhood's wives already know you're a cheating slut, what's the big deal if everyone else knows?" This wasn't going like Heather thought it would go tonight. "We're not selling the house and we're not getting a fucking divorce and that's final." "So that means you want me to stop the divorce papers from being served on you at your office tomorrow?" One by one the bricks of our marriage were falling. "Steve, what the hell is wrong with you? Are you sick or something? Haven't you listened to a word I've said? I am not having an affair!" "Heather, you see that's not even the issue anymore even though I have proof that you did." I didn't but she didn't know that. "Maybe you don't understand, I don't care; I don't want to be married to you anymore. Look, I'm not claiming adultery because in this state it doesn't make any difference anyway. I'm just listing the reason as irreconcilable differences. Just sign the papers and we can both get on with our lives. I'm giving you fifty percent of everything and paying child support, what more do you want?" "I don't want a damn divorce!" she just wasn't letting up. "Okay, I'll bite. You want to stay married? Well then I want you to write down a list of reasons why you want to stay married to me and I'll look at them. If I see two legitimate reasons I'll stop the divorce and we can try again but with a few modifications. But if I don't see at least two you sign the papers, agreed?" She nodded. She went off upstairs leaving me to fend for myself on what we were all going to eat tonight for dinner. A guy can't go wrong with hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill. Throw in a tossed salad, a kettle of macaroni and cheese and dinner was ready in less than forty-five minutes. "Dinner's ready," I yelled to everyone in earshot. Heather walked down the stairs carrying an envelope and placed it the counter. "We'll talk about this after the kids go to bed." This should be interesting. Everything we now talked about always seemed to revolve around our kids. Work, politics and news worthy items hadn't been brought up in ages. I was going to bring up the sale of the house but figured that would be another issue after the kids were down for the count. By eight thirty they were upstairs, getting cleaned up and ready for bed. I wanted to open that envelope and see what she'd written but figured it would be the same bullshit I'd heard over and over again. At just before nine o'clock she walked down the stairs and got a diet coke from the refrigerator. Me, I grabbed the half bottle of wine I'd started a couple of days earlier, figuring it was going to get a little testy. She handed me the envelope and sat across from me at the kitchen table playing with her soda. "Read them all before you say anything," was her only request. I tore open the envelope and read the list. "You've got to be shitting me?" "Nope," was her quick reply. I had skimmed the first four points, they were about what I expected. The kids would be devastated, we would both be in financial ruin, I would not get custody and point four was that she still loved me. "Like a fucking dog or cat," I thought to myself. Point five sucked the breath from my lungs and made me see red. 'I'm pregnant' was all it said. "Does the father know?" "He does now. You're the father stupid." "No fucking way! I haven't seen what's between your legs in so long I probably wouldn't be able to recognize it in a damn police line up." "Even if you don't believe it, it is yours. I didn't believe it myself at first but after three test kits there wasn't much doubt. I don't get morning sickness so when I missed my first period I figured it was the stress of you and I arguing again. But when I was late with my second period I decided to test myself. I've got an appointment with my obstetrician to get it confirmed, but that's just a formality and I need to see him now anyway." "Sorry, you're not going to try and pawn someone else's kid off on me as mine, I'm not that stupid." "I figured you'd say that but whether you believe it or not, it is yours." "Okay, let's just say for argument sake it could be mine. My first two questions are how and when?" "The how is my own stupid fault. Since we hadn't been doing it much lately." "How about not at all!" I interjected to which she gave me an ugly look. She started again. "Since we haven't been together lately I stopped taking my birth control pills because they always made me sick anyways. If we weren't doing it I couldn't get pregnant and if we did, there were always condoms." "How about all your other lovers? Or did they all wear condoms?" She skipped over that question. The when was when you ambushed me coming out of the shower and wouldn't take no for an answer, remember? You were in one of your moods and we were doing it before my brain caught up." After not getting it in forever, I remembered every time we did it and what it was like. "That was one of our more memorable sessions, you even moved a little," I said, getting in another dig. She shot me another ugly look. "So now you know the how and why. Satisfied?" "Just for kicks, when were you planning on telling me anyway? On the way to the hospital?" "I was going to have to soon, because in a short while I'm not going to be able to hide it from anybody. Besides, I knew we'd have to start making plans but I also knew you were going to be pissed ---that's why I waited. You do believe me don't you?" "Not a chance because I still don't believe it's mine. I think what happened is that someone dumped a load in you and you're trying to cover your tracks. I think a little DNA test is in order so we can get this sham of a marriage over with." "I thought you said if the list contained two legitimate reasons you'd stop the divorce." "And I meant it, but I only see one, and that's the one that says our kids will be devastated." "How about the one that says I still love you?" "Please... you and I both know that's a crock of shit. Someone who loves another wouldn't have put me through what you've put me through the last year or so. And not to mention fucking around on me." "Steve, maybe I went a little nuts going out with Sue and the group." She looked over at me. "Okay, I went a lot nuts and maybe stepped over the line a couple of times but I didn't screw anyone," she said tossing me the three pack of condoms I'd thrown at her weeks ago. "This proves nothing. They could have had their own or you could have ridden them bareback and gotten yourself in this condition." "Steve, how many times do I have to tell you, it's your baby?" "Heather, how many times do I have to say it, I don't believe a single word that comes out of your mouth anymore? There has to be a test to prove I'm not the father." "There is, but it's only one hundred percent accurate when given after the baby is born and no judge in the world is going to grant a final divorce decree until he's sure of the baby's parentage." She'd done her homework. "Why don't we just wait until after our baby is born?" "You mean your baby don't you?" "No, I mean OUR baby." The next couple of minutes were quiet in our kitchen. "How about if I do this. I don't serve you at work like I had planned but I just hand you the paperwork so you can look it over with the lawyer of your choice?" "How many time to I have to say it, I don't want a damn divorce. What we should be talking about is what we're going to do about our baby and where it's going to sleep." I was going to make the suggestion of ending her pregnancy but I knew neither one of us would go for that option. "There is always the basement for the two of you. I'll put a bed down there and the two of you will be more than comfortable." "I'm not leaving my bedroom!" "Well I'm not either," I replied. "I guess that means we'll just have to suck it up and share it." "Shouldn't be a problem, I've been living with a room mate for the last couple of years anyway, what's a few more months." I needed to throw in another dig. However, we both knew it wasn't going to go as smoothly as we were letting on. What's the phrase? Talk's cheap. When I stopped wearing my wedding ring she stopped wearing hers. She no longer was going out on Friday nights anymore, something about not being able to drink, but now her friends were coming over to the house. I tried to be nice and not say anything but when they all started giving me their condescending looks, it made me want to puke. So what did I do? I started dating. "You're going on a fucking date?" Heather yelled at me while I got dressed. "Not really a date, more like just dinner." "If you forgotten, you're still married to me, remember?" "How can I forget? You remind me every day by your continual presence here. But what do we have? Five months until you pop?" Her eyes were filled with tears and she ran out of the bedroom. Did I feel bad? Yes and no. If it was my kid she was carrying I'd feel a little bad for the way I was treating her, but after the way she had treated me all these months, a little payback was in order. I'd been having lunch on and off with Nancy for a couple of months. I was up front with her about my situation. I told her I was married but in name only. I said that I was probably getting a divorce but had to wait until after the baby was born. She asked how far I wanted to take it between us and I said I'd leave it up to her. Dinner was good but dessert was fantastic. We fucked like minks the first night back at her place. She was vocal, oral and liked to do it with the lights on, unlike Heather. Did I feel bad? Maybe a little but I was tired of living the life of a celibate monk. I walked into my house at just after one o'clock in the morning. I got undressed, brushed my teeth, swished around a little mouthwash and slipped into bed without showering. I wanted to make damn sure Heather knew what I'd done. Her eyes said it all the next morning, following me around the kitchen as I made breakfast for everyone. At least she waited for the kids to leave the room. "How could you? You could have at least had the decency to shower off her stink before coming to bed last night. Now I'm going to have to strip the bed and sterilize the sheets." "Don't worry, I used a condom so at least she won't end up pregnant." If looks could kill I'd already been dead. "Well it looks like we now have an open marriage so I guess you won't have any problem with me getting a little for a change?" Heather said trying to stare me down. "Go for it. You started it and I guess you're going to finish it." "I didn't start it, you did." "Heather, I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed but I'm not stupid either. I saw the look on your face that first night and don't try and tell me it was nothing more than a girl's night out. And let's not forget that Thursday night when you came home smiling ear to ear. Like I said, you hadn't looked that satisfied with me in a hell of a long time. So don't get high and mighty on me or like some blushing young bride. You tore the fucking heart out of this marriage a long time ago and your actions of late just put the final nails in the coffin. So go out and spread your fucking legs for whomever you want, I don't care any longer. That is if you can find anyone who wants to fuck a knocked up bitch." My words were filled with anger and as much sarcasm as I could muster. Tears came as Heather ran to our bedroom and slammed the door. Looks like the kids and I were on our own for the rest of the day. We went grocery shopping and picked up a few items at Home Depot. I stayed away as long as I could but I guess not long enough, as Sue was over when we got home. I put everything away, and was installing a new spark plug in my lawn mower and was getting ready to do the lawn when Sue came out. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself the way you're treating Heather. Damn it, she's your wife and pregnant with your child." "Sue that remains to be seen and besides, if you, Pam, and Carol hadn't taken her out and got her laid, we wouldn't be in this mess now would we." "Steve, she didn't go out and get laid as you so eloquently put it." "Then what do you want to call it? Did the big nasty, fucked, or maybe found someone to make love to. It had to be someone good because she kept going back. I hope he likes doing it over a hump, because Heather's going to look like she's got a basket ball in there in a couple of months." I had no sympathy for her or anyone else right now. "Steve, you don't know shit but you are going to ruin your marriage." "Sue it's already ruined, I'm just covering it up with dirt so to speak." She shook her head, gave me an ugly look and left me to my lawn. Dinner was quiet except for the kids talking about the movie we had for after dinner. It was the third episode of the Harry Potter series and although we'd seen it in the movie theatre they never got tired of it. Heather was nowhere to be found and after it was over I got both of them ready for bed, read them each a short story and with a kiss it was lights out. Heather was in bed reading when I walked in. "The kids are expecting a good night kiss," was all I said heading for the bathroom. A much needed shower and the rest took me all of twenty minutes. I can remember a time when I'd shave at night so I wouldn't give my bride whisker burns as we tore up our bed. It had been a long time since that had happened but it did bring back fond memories of days gone by. Heather was waiting for me because she put her book down when I walked back into the bedroom. I was still naked and was reaching for a pair of night shorts when she asked if we could talk. "About what? I think we both know where we stand with each other and it's just a matter of time before we find out whose baby you are actually carrying." She wasn't happy about how the conversation was starting. "I know I haven't been the most loving and caring wife to you for a while but it wasn't intentional. It's just that everything got so crazy and I never seemed to catch up with everyone pulling me in a million different directions. And for that I'm sorry." "Bull shit! You shut me out a long time ago. I was there for you but you had your own agenda whatever it was. I tried, God knows I tried, but I just finally gave up on you and what was left of our marriage. So now all we're doing is marking time and going from week to week until this nightmare is over." "Well, what are you going to do when you find out that it truly is your baby?" "Well I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." I was done talking. What do they say, 'life goes on?' Well it had to because the bills needed to be paid and the kids needed both of us to raise them right now. Heather tried her best to make our life normal but there was nothing normal in our lives anymore. I did shock the shit out of her when I said that I'd go with her to the next neighborhood party. "You're not going to embarrass me and the kids are you?" "Don't you trust me anymore?" "About as much as you trust me darling." Nothing had changed. The kids played in the yard, the women congregated in the kitchen talking about Heather's baby. And the guys? Well we were tipping a few on the back deck. "Steve, I can't believe you have the balls to go out on a damn date. Carol would cut my nuts off before I even left the house." "Pam would have let me go but then would probably have told me that I had to sleep sometime. Just the thought of what she might do then makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end," the group said laughing but it was a controlled laugh as they kept their eyes on the open kitchen door. "I just got tired of begging for it and since I wasn't getting it at home any longer, I decided that I wasn't going to do without any longer." "Sue said that Heather is going to divorce your ass, you know that don't you?" her husband said with a condescending look on his face. "So? How is that going to be worse? If you were told that you could never have sex with your wife again, would you stay with her? Or would you find someone else? Me, I'm still looking and enjoying every minute of it. Heather can take half of everything I have, which is mostly debt, and I am going to have to pay child support but I basically do that now, so what's the difference? I just want someone loving, non-controlling who still enjoys sex a couple times a week ---not once or twice every other month." I sloshed down the rest of my beer. "Okay shithead," Sue's husband said, moving closer to me. "What are you going to do if she is carrying your kid?" "Well my friend, I'll make that decision if and when I get the test results. But, if your wife and her good friends hadn't taken her out and got her laid, I wouldn't have to be worrying about that would I?" I went nose to nose with him. "And since your wife was with Heather all those times I guess I don't have the only tramp in the neighborhood." The fight didn't last that long. A few punches were thrown and I did get the better of the exchange as they hauled him off with a split nose while Carol's husband kept me away from him. "Jesus Christ, can't I leave you alone for even a few minutes without you making an ass out of yourself?" Heather said running out of the kitchen with the rest of the wives. "I was just defending your honor. Sue's husband said you were a tramp and I told him if you were, so was his wife because she was with you all those nights." "Come on, we're going home." I'd been looking foreword to the taste of Ken's ribs but I guess that wasn't going to happen now. We ended up ordering in pizza and the kids had no problem with that even though Heather did. Things got even more strained with Heather if that was at all possible. I guess me dating every couple of weeks might have had something to do with it, but I was getting some great sex for a change. "I don't want you dating anymore," Heather said one night as we were in bed. "It's degrading to me especially when you're seen by people we know, which you have been." "I thought you were the one that said we now have an open marriage and were okay with it?" "I never said that, you did. All I said is that since you were out getting laid I would also but you'll notice I haven't." "I guess that's your problem not mine." "Steve, look, if you need a little sexual relief I'm here for you and besides, I could use a little something myself once in a while." "Be still my heart. You're actually asking me to have sex with you? Maybe we should call the Pope and tell him I've just witnessed a true miracle?" "You don't have to be so sarcastic. I was just saying that since we're both here together, we could you know, satisfy each other." "Well you used to be able to give a mean blowjob a million years ago and it might be fun to see what you've learned since then." "Well how about me?" "Sure your boyfriend won't get mad? You know me messing with his stuff?" "Steve, there is no boyfriend and never has been." "You say that now, but I've got proof," I said patting her stomach. "You're an asshole you know that?" "And you're a cheap whore," I shot back. "Well if I'm a cheap whore what does that make you? A married man going out and screwing around on his wife?" "Satisfied?" The tears came and I'd probably said too much but there was no taking it back. She rolled over and went to sleep, or at least tried to. Me, I laid on my back wondering what I was going to do if the baby did turn out to be mine. That was one scenario I was not looking forward to becoming true. Twelve Years and a Wake up We ended up working out a compromise of sorts. It wasn't like we were newlyweds again, but the sex was more than I'd seen in the last five years. Now there was no reason to date anymore and I was thinking there was even an outside chance we just might want to take another shot at it. The last month was hard on all of us. The kids were excited about their new sister or brother and Heather was as big as a house. She had one more week to work and would spend the rest of her pregnancy waiting for the baby to be born. Both of our parents were excited about the new grandbaby and it looks like I was the only one not totally on board. "Are you going to be in the delivery room?" she asked while we were cleaning up after dinner one night. "I'm not sure that's such a good idea." "Well you've been in there for all our other kids and I'd like you there when our baby is born." I was going to say your baby but I guess we were both pretty tired of the cheap shots by now and she knew what I was thinking anyway. "Sure why not, what else do I have to do anyway? This way if it comes out black we can save the expense of a DNA test." The tears came and she took one look at me and left, waddling off to our bedroom. I followed her. "I'm sorry for the cheap shot, it was uncalled for," I said as she cried face down on our bed. "I know you're as anxious as I am about this being over and if you want I'll be there." She smiled for once and said she'd like that. The baby was suppose to be born mid October but when she went over three weeks she got concerned. The doctor wasn't worried and told us due dates are an approximate not set in stone, something about the baby being in control. There was no real sex anymore but being woken up for work with a blowjob most morning sent me out of the house with a big smile on my face. Why do babies insist on being born in the middle of the night? My parents got the call at one forty five to come over and watch the kids while I stuffed Heather into our minivan. "Relax, breathe," is what I said all the way to the hospital. I can't say we were old hands at it, because it had been a number of years, but there weren't too many surprises. Labor was still a bitch, there were never enough drugs according to my wife, and I was sure I was going to have her fingerprints on my forearm for the next year or so. The cry of our baby girl signaled the end to our ordeal. I was tired but Heather was wiped out as they laid the baby on her chest. Well she wasn't brown, or black that much was certain. After a minute or so the nurse took her away and my wife was headed to the recovery room. I stepped out into the hall and started making phone calls. "What did you name her?" my mom asked me and for the first time I realized in all these months we'd never talked about names. I'd always referred to it as HER baby while she'd reply OUR baby but we'd never actually talked about names. Well that was another issue to resolve. Dark hair, a small nose and a chubby face, she looked like almost every other baby in the nursery. How can mothers and grandmothers say whom she looked like at this stage of the game? Could I tell if it was my kid? Not a chance in hell. When a doctor came up and asked if he could take a swab sample I already knew what it was for. Mixed feelings is what I had, waiting for Heather to be assigned a room. The DNA test could take up to a week, so the baby would be home before we got the test results. I had to put my doubts and feelings aside. It wasn't the new baby's fault, and even if it wasn't mine, she had never been asked to be born into this mess. Heather was tired and everyone and their brother being there didn't help. At about seven o'clock I kicked everyone out. My parents would be watching the kids for another night and for the first time we were alone with the baby. "She's beautiful isn't she?" my beaming wife said, kissing her forehead. I was waiting for her to say something like, "she has your eyes," or the like but I think she knew that she had better cool it at least for now. "Your parents dropped off the new crib they bought and are putting that and the changing table together tomorrow. I'm going to move the bed over to the other wall so we'll have plenty of room for everything." We talked for another half hour but never discussed what was on both our minds. "We're going to have to pick out a name pretty soon, they're asking me what we want on her birth certificate," I told my wife, looking for a little guidance. "We've got plenty of time, I'm just thankful she's healthy." I hadn't seen her that happy in a long time. A peck on the lips and I was out of there. I had a ton of things to do regardless of what might happen down the road. That night, while I lay in bed, I couldn't take my eyes off the baby furniture. I don't know if I was worn down or just tired, but I was actually looking forward to having our baby girl home with us. I took the kids to meet their new sister the next day and told them that they'd have to be extra good when we brought her home. When they asked what we'd named her, I told them we were still thinking about names and asked for their suggestions. Most of the names wouldn't work but they did come up with one I liked, Brittney. By the fourth day everyone was now at home. Our bedroom was already rearranged, a ton of baby food and diapers were in stock, and everything was in turmoil. As I said, everything was normal. We had a good weekend with baby Brittney. I didn't say a word to anyone on Monday about the baby. Work was a little hectic in the morning but by the afternoon everything had straightened itself out. On my way home I stopped at Subway and picked up dinner for everyone, I was looking forward to a quiet evening. Her parents were just leaving as I pulled onto the driveway. I unloaded the bag of food on the kitchen counter and went looking for my family. I found everyone in our bedroom playing with the baby. I stopped at the door and just watched as my kids laughed while my wife played with Brittney's small feet. "They're so tiny," David said touching them with his finger. "You were that small at one time and look how big you are now." My heart melted watching the four of them. I snuck back downstairs and made a much louder entrance this time. "Who's ready for dinner?" I shouted sticking my head around the corner. "Me, me," was all they said running down the stairs. "Give me a minute while I put Brittney down and then I'll join you," my wife said smiling at me. Life was pretty good right now. Everyone was talking, all at once, about everything. With dinner done, Heather went upstairs to take care of the baby while the kids and I did the dishes. Since we'd used paper plates, it was easy as everything went into the trash. A few games and it was time for lights out. A story, a little horseplay and a hug and kiss and they were down for the count. "I didn't think they'd ever settle down," I said getting ready for bed and watching my wife breast-feeding the baby. I brushed, flossed and walked back into our bedroom just as she was laying her down in the crib. "I'm going to miss what we've had over the last couple of months," she said. "We were almost back to the way we were when we first got married." The look on her face was expressionless. "I would have bet my life on it that you were the father but I guess I was drunker than I thought that night because I really don't remember it even happening." She handed me an official looking letter. I started reading it but it was all mumbo jumbo until the last paragraph that said basically that there was no chance I was the father of Brittney. "Heather..." I started to say but she held up her hand to stop me. "I already know what you're going to say, so you don't even have to. I've signed the divorce papers and they're sitting on your desk downstairs in the den. If you can find a qualified buyer for the house go for it, I won't stand in your way anymore. Brittney and I are moving in with my parents tomorrow so you won't have to look at us anymore. My mom will get the kids off to school in the morning and you can pick them up at her house on your way home from work. I'm so damn sorry but I'm glad it's finally over, at least one of us will be able to move on with their life." At that she walked out of the bedroom and went downstairs, probably to the den. Numb and in shock, that's what I was. In the back of my mind I thought this might happen but thinking about it and having it actually happen are two different things. We were good now damn it. Why the fuck was this happening to me for Christ's sakes. I sat on the bed and for the next half hour I cried like a fucking baby covering my mouth when I got too loud so as to not wake up Brittney. The rest of the night I lay on my back, on my bed, feeling sorry for myself and trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do next. By five-thirty I had no answers other than I couldn't stay here and face Heather this morning. I felt like a dishrag that had been wrung out one too many times. I showered but forgot to shave or brush my teeth. I didn't make coffee, get the kids breakfast ready or even pickup the newspaper on the step. I just left. I needed to get as far away from here and as fast as I could right now. On autopilot I made it to work and grabbed myself a cup of coffee. By nine o'clock it was cold and I was still sitting at my chair with my jacket on. On my phone I could see that there were three messages but I hadn't even heard it ring. At ten o'clock my secretary replace my cold cup of coffee with a fresh one and asked if there was anything she could do. "No, I don't think anyone can fix this now." I woke up and went to work. When I got home Heather and the baby were gone. She'd left a note on the door that said she'd like to keep the kids tonight so she could talk to them but I could pick them up tomorrow. It wasn't even signed. Going upstairs to our bedroom I saw that everything was gone, the baby's new furniture, her clothes, and all of her personal items from the bathroom. I walked into our kid's rooms and they were as they'd left them this morning, beds unmade and their pajamas thrown on the floor. I didn't eat Monday night and what surprised me the most, was I didn't drink myself into a stupor, but probably should have. My brain was overloading itself and it just hurt. I wanted to feel nothing. I wanted to sleep. I wanted this nightmare to go away but that wasn't going to happen. Tuesday I talked to the kids myself and between all the tears we made it through the night together. The rest of the week was a blur and the weekend gave me nothing but time to think and that was the last thing in the world I wanted to do. After three weeks I was tired, drained but still alive. I was right; kids are resilient. We got into a schedule and stuck to it at all costs. As long as I knew what I had to do I could function without too much trouble. Sometime during the first month I found a letter with my name on it lying on the kitchen counter. I knew who it was from and that's where it ended up staying, unopened. My Mom and my mother were lifesavers, as they did what I couldn't do. I was coming back to reality a bit and piece at a time but was a far cry from where I had been just a couple of months ago. Back then I had all the answers; as I said it's easy until the 'what if's' becomes reality. Anger, I had more than my share, but when I let it loose it frightened my children so I kept it in check or punched a wall when they weren't looking. My neighbors? With the exception of my next-door neighbor Ken and his wife Pam, they all stayed away. I was invited to their get togethers but never went. I once saw Sue and her husband in the mall and my anger flared up as I thought about punching him out again. They moved across the aisle and kept their distance, but even at twenty feet I could see the scar on the front of his nose; I smiled at them both. With everything in black and white and agreed upon, in ninety days I was single again. Everything was split down the center including joint custody of our kids. I hadn't spoken to Heather since that night and with our parents handling the kids, there was no need to. Our only big problem was that the house didn't sell. I dropped the selling price twice and still there were no takers. It was probably still overpriced but I wasn't going to give it away, we really could have used that money to pay off everything. David and Megan were doing well. They had finally accepted the fact that we were no longer a family but since they saw their mother and new sister most days, it became their normal. I handled the school functions and most of the other activities and every once in a while I thought I caught a glimpse of Heather. Work was going well, or as well as can be expected in a down economy, and I had the distinction of now being the catch of the office, though only because I was the only unmarried guy there. I dated a few women and even got laid more than my share but being single wasn't what it was cracked up to be, especially with two little ones at home. Guys in the neighborhood set me up with friends and God forbid relatives, but nothing came of it. It was too soon and raw I'd usually tell them, to get out of it. The only thing that didn't change was the position of that envelope on the counter. It was now over a year and even though Heather's Mom hadn't said a word about her or the baby, I think she was dying to say something. I know my mother was. But we had an official agreement that under pain of death Heather and Brittney were never to be brought up in my presence and they kept their word. Hell, I heard all I needed to from my two kids, more than I really wanted to know since they saw their mother and stepsister most days at their grandparent's house after school. At fourteen months and six days Heather's Mom had a stroke. She almost died and her days of baby-sitting were now over. I visited her often in the hospital and somehow missed seeing Heather all those times. My mother took over the baby-sitting duties but that proved to be too much for her. We needed to figure out something else. "Heather, this is Steve, do you have a minute to talk?" is how our conversation started. I told her how sorry I was about her mother and said that if there was anything I could do to help to just ask. "As you know Mom has been taking care of the kids but it's not working and we're going to need to figure out something else. Can we get together and you know, talk about it or something?" I don't know what she was thinking but I had to literally pull an answer out of her. "I guess I can come over say Saturday afternoon. How about two o'clock?" "That works, and I'll even throw something on the grill and we can have dinner here." "Steve, you don't have to do that." "No problem. I'll see you Saturday." That wasn't so bad I thought. We'd been splitting all the expenses since day one but that was the first real conversation we'd had since that night. I was feeling pretty proud of myself. David and Megan both didn't see it as anything special. They saw their mother all the time so what was the big deal about her coming over for dinner? I on the other hand was a bundle of nerves. I dressed casual and made sure the house was clean. I hadn't changed the locks and wasn't sure what type of reception I was going to get. She rang the bell and then let herself in after I yelled the door was open from the back patio. She was thinner; her hair had grown out and she had on little or no makeup compared to what she used to wear. She wasn't out to impress me it seems. She brought a pie and put it on the kitchen counter before asking if I had any diet soda. "Everything you could want is in the refrigerator," I said dragging out the umbrella for the picnic table on the back deck. "I figure we can eat out here tonight if that's okay with you?" "That sounds fine," she said with little or no inflection in her voice. With the kids playing video games in the den, I asked her if she had any ideas on what to do. "I've thought about a couple but how about you?" "Well, I first thought about a nanny," I said going over to the refrigerator grabbing a beer, "but since it's only an hour or so in the morning and only a couple hours in the evening, no one is going to want those few hours and if they do, we won't be able to afford them. Then I asked around the neighborhood to see if anyone knew someone who might like a couple of hours of baby sitting but I drew a blank again." I took a long drink from my bottle. "If I could just change my hours that would solve the morning problem but we still had the problem with after school. I could probably trust the kids at home for thirty minutes by themselves, but a couple of hours was out of the question." I was drawing a blank. "I've got an idea but you probably won't like it," Heather said looking right at me. "Well it has to be better than what I've come up with so far." "I wouldn't be so sure until you hear what it is." "Well shoot and we'll hash it over." "Well, you know mom is going to need a lot of rehab and dad is going to have his hands full from now on. I've been toying with the idea of finding my own place; you know to get out of their hair. You've got an empty basement and if we could fix it up a bit, Brittney and I could move in down stairs and that would solve all our problems." My brain was still at, "You've got an empty basement." "Don't you want to be, you know, on your own?" "Steve, we're still making house payments and although we've cut out all the extras, money is still tight. I can find a place but with that and child care we're going to be back where we were a year and a half ago." My mouth wasn't functioning. She got up, got another can of soda, and then she noticed it. I wasn't trying to hide it; I'd almost forgotten it was even there, it had become such a fixture on my counter. She picked up the envelope, looked to see if it had been opened and then put it back down where it had been. "Well, think about what I said and if you can come up with a better idea let me know." "Heather, I'm not sure that would work." "I said you wouldn't like it, but until we sell this house we're both kind of stuck, and it's not like we've never lived together." She was right about that one but I didn't particularly care for the memories of her final day here. "Let's eat and we can talk more after dinner." I'd put two racks of ribs on the grill that were cooking nicely and had corn on the cob boiling on the stove. She helped put together a tossed salad and with thirty minutes we were all sitting around the table. "How is work going?" I asked biting into a butter soaked corn. "Good, but I had to cut back on my hours since mom got sick. I just want to make sure I don't piss them off and get laid off, that I couldn't afford right now." "They wouldn't do that, you've been with them for years." "Steve, in this economy no one's job is safe. We had to cut three girls just after the first of the year. Thank God I know how to do everything in the office or I might have been one of them that got cut. How about you?" "Surprisingly we're doing pretty good. Business is down but better than it was last year. I think if we can make it through this year we're home free." "You don't know how lucky you are." "Lucky, yeah right!" I thought to myself. I was once. I cleaned up the food while Heather put the dishes in the dishwasher. David and Megan took in food and put everything in the refrigerator. I burned off the excess drippings and food on the grill and gave the racks a once over with my wire brush. I lowered the umbrella and that was about it. Twelve Years and a Wake up The kids were in the den watching television or playing a game but Heather was nowhere to be found. "She didn't leave, did she?" I thought as I scoured the main floor. I found her in the basement walking around. "I could make this work," she was saying to herself as I walked up behind her. "I think this would be a bad idea?" "And why is that?" turning around and looking right at me now. "You know, you bringing people home and stuff like that. I think we've done enough to the kids don't you think?" "So, what you're saying is that you don't want the kids to see their mother slutting around. Is that what you're trying to say?" "No, I'm not saying that at all, it's just that..." "Steve, do you date and bring anyone home?" "No I don't." "So, still doing it by hand?" She laughed but I didn't and was about ready to throw her ass out the front door. She could see the anger and knew she'd hit a sore spot. "Steve, I'm sorry, that was callous and uncalled for. I don't know what I was thinking." I said nothing. "Let's go upstairs and talk." The first beer went down fast as I grabbed another. She lay out what she thought would work, and since there was an outside door to the basement from the garage it would be like a mother apartment. "I don't start until nine so I could get David and Megan off to school and since I'm done by three-thirty they would only be latch-keyed for about twenty five minutes." "Heather on paper it looks good but there are a lot of other issues not to mention a few emotional ones I might have a problem with." She walked up to the counter. "You never read it?" "Couldn't. At first I wanted to rip it up into a million pieces and then burn each piece in the fireplace. Then when I finally settled down I didn't want to read how you put horns on me and how long it had been going on. I guess in the end, I felt it would just make me sad all over again and I couldn't do that to myself again. Believe it or not, I thought up until that night we had a great chance at starting over again, after seeing how we had reconnected after only three months. We were a family again and if it hadn't been for that stupid test we'd still be one. So to answer your question, no I haven't read it." We were both quiet again. "Well, if you ever decide to, you'll find it interesting reading. You may not like everything but I think you owe me that much after ten years of marriage." I didn't owe her shit. "Well, I've got to go. Think about what I've said. I think it would be a win win for the both of us. And if we set up some rules about the other things, I think it just might work." I told her I'd think about it. With a hug and kiss for the kids and a peck on the cheek for me, Heather headed back to her parents house. Me? I sat in the kitchen drinking three more beers fingering that stupid envelope. After finishing number four at about two-fifteen in the morning I ripped it open and started to read it. She was right about one thing; it was enlightening to say the least. I read the four pages once and then read it a second time, not believing completely what she'd actually written. A lot of it was the "I'm sorry" crap I'd heard before but a couple of the points made me both angry and sad. Why she thought I had no respect for her was beyond me. She said that she felt like I thought of her as a piece of meat or some play toy to be used whenever I wanted. When she said it got to the point she thought it was just her wifely duty or something she had to do once in a while she knew we were in trouble. True I wanted sex a lot more than she did and at times I pouted when I didn't get any but she was dead fucking wrong on that point. I loved her and taking her to bed brought me that much closer to her. Was the woman on drugs? It was true we did argue about sex, but going from three times a week to twice a month and only when she was hammered brought out the anger in me. My only thought was that she was sexually bored with me and that she never gave me a chance to rectify that situation before giving up on us and started going out on her own. I knew she'd include our money problems and the way I criticized her spending so much on clothing but I viewed her spending as extreme at times. I bought only what I absolutely needed saving what we had left for either the kids or her. I was getting to feel pretty good about myself at this point. Then came what the letter was truly about. "You have to believe me when I say that I really thought the baby was yours. I never even knew who the man who I guess got me pregnant was. I was so angry with you that night that when Sue and Pam left me at the table to go dance all I did was down drink after drink. Somewhere between the fifth and sixth drink I found myself in the back seat of his car. How we got there I haven't a clue but the next think I knew Sue was yelling and dragging me out and punching the man at the same time. That night was basically a complete blank. I remember Sue pouring coffee down my throat and yelling at me for something I'd apparently done." I stopped for a minute, thought back to that night and tried to remember her coming home. I knew she had to have been drinking but she didn't appear to be that drunk when I saw her, but what happened could have been hours earlier. "I wasn't sure what had happened exactly only that I'd stepped over the line so to speak. When Sue dropped me off, she said not to say anything but to go right to bed. The following morning you looked at me like I was the scum of the earth. You couldn't have known what happened, but the way you looked at me said you did." "After that night we made it a point to go out. I wanted to show you that I was independent, didn't need your approval and wanted to prove to myself other men found me attractive. Who was I kidding? The only thing the men out there wanted was sex. They could care less what I thought about, what I looked like, only what they could get me to do. The night you threw me the condoms I wasn't meeting anyone other than the girls. When you basically called me a whore my world came crashing down. That night all we did was go to dinner and talk about our husbands and what we said wasn't too flattering." "You'll notice I didn't go out after that night but I was shocked when you went out. I at first thought you were bluffing but when you left I got concerned. If you thought I was screwing around on you I wasn't sure what you were going to do. When you came home, I was positive you hadn't done anything and was relieved to say the least. I was planning for some fun the following week but when you went out again without saying anything I knew I was in trouble." "Everything between us went to hell after that. On that Thursday night when I came home in such a good mood it wasn't because of what you thought. I found a huge error that one of the lawyers had made on an important case and was praised up and down for what a good job I'd done. The owner of the firm wrote me out a bonus check for five hundred dollars right there on the spot. I was floating on air when I walked through the door and before I could get a word out of my mouth you called me a cheating slut. I was crushed beyond belief. I hated you for what you said but I didn't have it in me to confront you that night." I remembered that night and she was right I did hit her with both barrels before she could open her mouth. I was angry but she was also to blame for not saying anything. Would I have listened and or believed her? I guess now we'll never know. The last page dealt with when she found out she was pregnant. Over and over again she said that she thought it was my baby, "it had to be, I never slept with anyone else.' I crushed her spirit when I slept with Nancy that first time. She didn't need to ask me if I had, she could smell her on me. She said that she almost left me that following morning. "Steve, when the first test came up positive I immediately went to the store and bought two more. I couldn't be pregnant." She described the horror of finally realizing that she was pregnant again. "Steve is going to kill me," I kept on saying to myself. We were at the lowest point of our marriage and I had to somehow get everything back to where it was when we were happy. "You had now written me and our marriage off. We were having horrific arguments but I wasn't going to give up. You were going to have to divorce me, but I wasn't going to give up without a fight." "I'm not a whore," I kept saying over and over when I finally told you that I was pregnant but you didn't believe me. I wasn't going to give you a divorce and I told you also that no judge would grant you one considering my condition. It was a bluff but it worked. I thought I'd finally lost you until I decided to put my cards all out on the table. I told you that I wanted you and would give you sexually anything you wanted. "I was in heaven those last three months. We were on our second and third honeymoons all rolled into one. I know you still had doubts but every night I did everything in my power to make those doubts go away. You were mine again or so I stupidly thought." "When our baby was born I was the happiest woman on the earth. You were with me. We were together again. Brittney looked just like you or I thought she did, maybe I just wanted to see it that way." "When I opened that envelope I knew what it contained, you were the father of our beautiful baby girl. I cried from eleven o'clock that morning until just after two in the afternoon when my parents finally got there. They asked me questions I didn't have answers for and said that I could come to live with them, not that they wanted me back, but what other choice did they have?" "You looked so happy that night. I was going to enjoy my family until the very last minute. I loved you so much and now I 'd have to hurt you. I wanted God to take my life before that happened, but he didn't." "There was no need to wait this time, the words on that paper weren't going to magically change. I didn't care about myself, I only thought about my baby, my two wonderful children and the husband I was going to crush." "You didn't scream; I would have if the tables had been turned. You still loved me, I could see it in your eyes but I'd failed you. I left; I couldn't look into those eyes any longer. I died in the den that night. My marriage, my life was over." "David and Megan didn't understand why I couldn't be with them anymore but I figured you'd eventually tell them." "Sue became my only friend and we both figured out that she'd gotten to me too late that night since it was the one and only time. I would kill that son of a bitch and go to the gallows with a smile on my face if I could ever find that man again. Sadly I can't remember what he even looked like." "I'm not going to beg for forgiveness or ask anything of you, I gave up that right the night I went out angry at you. You said that you wanted a loving and caring wife and I hope you find what you are looking for because you deserve more than I gave you. I don't want to say goodbye but I have no other choice. I love you, I always will and I do wish you the best. The only thing I ask of you, is that you don't hate me forever, I'm not worth the effort." It was signed your loving wife Heather. I read it for a third time, the following morning, sober this time. I got my kids off to school and called into work and took a day of vacation. With more than a few cups of coffee I sat down at the computer and wrote Heather a reply, point by point. I didn't do it in anger but it was time to set the record straight or at least the way I saw it. I didn't give her all the credit for destroying our marriage but she'd been the one to finally pull the plug on a marriage that was already on life support. "I only gave up after I saw that we were never going to be happy ever again and I deserved to be happy." After just under four hours, and a full pot of coffee, I was done. I hit enter, leaned back and felt pretty damn good about myself. She wouldn't like a lot of what I'd written but she'd know it was the truth. My kids and I went out to a Chinese buffet and I ended up eating way too much, I had to get my money's worth didn't I? We had a good evening and just before I went to sleep, I looked at my e-mail, no reply. I had a good nights sleep and went to work refreshed and took on the world by storm. Two days later I found Heather at the house when I came home from work. The kids were already outside playing and she was waiting in the kitchen for me. I was a little hesitant but when she asked if we could talk I thought why not. Voices were raised, followed by tears, hugs, and a few kisses is how it went. There was a little laughter but neither of us thought what had happened was funny. We had dinner together and by eleven plans were made, agreements were reached and a new chapter in my life started. Heather and Brittney moved into the basement the following weekend. I'd fixed up two rooms so she'd have a bedroom and another one for a little sitting room. It was a long shot but financially it was the best move and we both knew it. The first week I felt like I was wired on caffeine or drugs; I was so hyper and jittery. It got easier after that but it was never the same as it once was. When she came up one night and shared my bed it was lovely. And when it became more of a casual thing I thought I was in heaven but we were both kidding ourselves. It was nothing more than two people reaching out for something that was now out of our grasps. When the sex stopped, we became what we had been when this nightmare started. It felt weird the first time Heather went out on a date. I watched her leave and heard the last brick hit the floor. The second and third times I got angry. She was no longer my wife, but it felt like those nights so long ago when she went out with her friends, leaving me to rot. I had no right to feel this way anymore, but I got mad, damn mad. It might have worked if it weren't for Brittney. She was a beautiful child but a constant reminder that brought me nothing but pain. When I told Heather that she needed to leave because it wasn't working she cried but at least she didn't beg me to let her stay. I loved her, I probably always would, but I was no longer in love with her, it just wasn't in me any longer. The kids were angry; I'd expected that. I thought about leaving myself and getting my own apartment but nixed that idea. This was MY home at least until it sold. I wasn't the victim any longer but was now the one empowered and needed to move on with my life. Nancy dumped me when she said that I was stuck in neutral and wasn't moving forward or backwards. My baggage was preventing me from getting what I truly wanted in life and she wasn't going to wait around for me to finally figure it out. Heather and I aren't friends, we couldn't be. A friend is someone you trust, who doesn't lie to you and has your best interest at heart; Heather didn't fit that definition. In retrospect, the house didn't sell and I took it off the market, at least for a while. I have my two kids with me and they still have a wonderful relationship with their mother. Shortly there after, Heather's mom passed away and her dad basically gave her the house. He retired and is now traveling the country, or running away from the memories he sees every time he closes his eyes. Heather and I talk but only occasionally and only about our kids. I make it a point to never ask about her love life or Brittney. I don't do it to be rude, but as they say, l needed to leave dead dogs lie where they were. Heather still visits my mother and mom always tells her to give me a little more time and maybe I'll come around. But that will never happen, at least not in my lifetime. But she still hopes. Nancy and I date every so often but like Heather it's nothing but us giving each other a little sexual release. She tells me I'm great in bed but sometimes I try too hard, whatever that means. I was angry, then sad, and finally numb before realizing I still had the great American Dream deep down inside me. Victoria was so unlike me it was scary. She is hot oil and I'm warm water but somehow we blended when we were together. She was a single mother with a little girl, who trusted no one, especially men. She was a friend of a cousin of my next-door neighbor Ken, who I met at a party at his house a couple of months back. Our kids were playing together and David was playing a little too rough for my comfort. "Settle down boy before someone gets hurt," I yelled reprimanding him after he pushed his sister down. "Your son?" she asked. "Yup, but only when he's good," was my quick reply. "Then he's your wife's'?" "Nope. He's still mine and no wife." She was somewhat tall, thin, had long black hair and dark eyes that asked nothing but questions, also telling me to keep my distance. She drank nothing stronger than tea that night and peppered me with question after question before finally leaving with the group she had arrived with. The following week Pam asked what I thought of her. "She's pretty but a little standoffish," I replied, not thinking much about it. A week later she and her daughter, Karen, were back and with our girls playing together we were thrown together once again. After the fourth time I asked her out and wasn't totally surprised that she accepted. It wasn't love at first sight and there sure as hell wasn't any lust that night or for a hell of a long time after that. She was calling all the shots. I didn't have a clue where I stood with her. And since she wasn't opening up to me, I went on a casual date with someone else. Guess who found out about it? A temper is what she had as she stormed over to my house the following Saturday demanding to know why I cheated on her. "I didn't cheat on you, I just went out on a date." "You're just like my ex-husband and every other man, you can't be trusted." That's when all that latent anger that had been pushed down all these months came out. I ripped her a new asshole and told her she didn't know shit about me and that being a cheater was the last thing in the world I was. "I don't know what the hell your husband did to you but I'm not going to stand here and be accused of something I'm not." I was on a roll. "Let me give you a news flash sweetheart, live sucks and sometime you get hurt, but that's just part of living because the alternative is death and I'm no where ready for that." I was hot and was about to turn tail and go back into my house. Ken, Pam and a few other neighbors we now outside listening to our argument. I decided to take another approach. "Well, now that we got that out of the way, do you want to have dinner with me tonight or not?" That took her by surprise and I wasn't sure if I was going to get my face slapped or a kiss. I got neither, but we did have dinner that night and every weekend there after. By the fourth month, and after two bottles of wine and yes she did drink, I told her what I was looking for and what I didn't want. With a little liquid courage, I didn't mix words and she finally opened up for the first time. Did we fall into bed and make mad passionate love? It might have happened, if when I stood up I didn't fall back down on the lounger, I guess I'd drunk maybe a little too much. We did lie in bed together, talking, fully dressed before falling asleep, or passing out, is what I probably did. When I woke us Victoria wasn't there next to me and I figured I'd blown it big time. When I heard the commotions downstairs I found everyone, including her and Karen, in the kitchen eating. "About time someone got their lazy ass out of bed. Do we have a little head ache this morning?" She smiled trying not to laugh. I needed coffee. Twelve Years and a Wake up I'm thankful I had brushed my skuzzy teeth before coming downstairs because the kiss she gave me curled my toes and gave me an immediate hard on. "That was for last night," she said playfully licking my ear. "But we didn't do anything, did we?" I whispered back to her. "No, and that's the point." If I'd pressured her, or done anything else stupid she probably would have already been gone this morning. To her it was a matter of respect, trust, and being in it for the long haul. After seven months I pleaded, then begged her to move in with me but she refused. Something about the timing not being right. Fuck timing. Friday night when she walked into my house with her arms full of groceries I was waiting for her. I was already on one knee, with a ring box in my hand, and I was tired of waiting. She walked by me, put the bags on the counter, came back, pulled me up to my feet and gave me a kiss that would have brought the dead back to life. When we broke the kiss she whispered, "Yes" in my ear and put the ring on her finger. She's now living in sin with me, as her uptight mother tells me every chance she gets, but the two of us are enjoying every minute of it. The mothers are planning a small intimate wedding for us as soon as possible. As a family we all go to church, something new for my group, but we're a family and that's what's important. Victoria had only two conditions before she would move in. First was a new mattress for our bed and secondly that when we got married that I adopt Karen. "If we're going to be a family than we need to be a real family without any exceptions. There will be no your children, or my children or God forbid step children; they will be OUR children." I couldn't have agreed with her more. Our kids told Heather and she says that she's happy for the two of us but in her eyes I can still see the hurt. Against my wishes, Victoria invited her to the wedding but Heather said she wouldn't be coming. Victoria said she wanted no ghosts in our new life. As I said before, she's hot oil and I'm water that she's been heating up since the first day we met. I love her to death and firmly believe she is the one I've been waiting for. Without telling her, I took out a loan against my 401K and bought out Heather's share of the house. I wanted this to be our house alone, it was important to me. She wasn't happy about what I'd done but understood and loved me that much more for it. Our life isn't perfect and with her hot temper we have more than a few makeup sessions. And for a while I didn't think my toes would ever uncurl. But we both understand that we're in it for the long haul and problems are just that, issues that need to be worked out, not nails in a coffin like I had before. Am I happy? Unbelievably so, even though at one point I thought it would never happen to me again. I guess what they say is true. "Good things come to those who wait."