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Things My Mother Told Her

By: StangStar06



Hi folks. I have no idea what happened last week with the double posting. It was supposed to be another roughly four or five pager. This one is even shorter than last week and should be less than five pages, that is for all of you who actually bother to read the story. I'd like to thank as always mikothebaby for her usual editing prowess. SS06

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Like most guys, during my lifetime I've looked at some porn...okay, I've seen a lot of porn. But I've also been on the internet and read some of those divorce and cheating stories. I read them to help me deal with something I was going through at the time and to get a handle on how someone very close to me had to be feeling when he went through it.

I've always had my own opinions over the way the guys in the stories handled their wives and the guys they cheated with. And under no circumstances would anyone ever think that I'd be a cuck or a wimp. It is simply not in my nature. I always had a very strong opinion on exactly what I'd do in that situation, but I never thought I'd actually ever do it.

One reason is that most of us talk a lot of shit when we're not in that situation but when you're the person it happens to, everything you thought about, all of your tough assed bullshit goes out the window. When it's your heart that is being ripped still beating from your chest and not some fictional character's, everything is different.

Most of those stories start out with a guy coming home early to find a strange car in his driveway. In my case, I did come home early, but the car in my driveway was all too familiar to me.

Unlike those guys in the stories, I knew from halfway down the block that something was strange in the neighborhood. I parked my car a Mustang GT, three houses down the block and waved to my retired neighbor, Benson Dubois, whose house I parked in front of.

I walked down the block as quickly and as quietly as I could. I opened my front door as quietly as I could too. I heard the bed springs squeaking as soon as I got inside the house. My blood pressure must have shot up at least fifty points. But my brain was functioning clearly.

I knew that my wife was upstairs and I knew who she was upstairs with. I'd known the bastard since we were toddlers and we'd fought over Kathy until I finally just married her to end the competition.

On one hand, the news that Kathy was fucking the bastard was a shock to me. He and I had become good friends over the past twelve years since I married Kathy. There were a lot of guys who I thought at some time might've stabbed me in the back but he wasn't one of them. I guess I'd just learned the definition of frenemy.

On the other hand, it gave me the chance to do something I'd wanted to do for years. So I didn't go charging upstairs just yet. The man upstairs fucking my soon to be ex-wife was Josh Patterson. We'd grown up "three doors down" from each other and had known each other all our lives. He always thought of himself as some kind of Superman. We disagreed on everything and had always competed since the days of PAL football and little league baseball.

I liked action movies like every other red blooded American man (and all of the coolest women). He preferred French art films. Or at least he did on the surface. He was an asshole from the start. He was always the one on movie day in school who'd suggest some foreign film that none of us had ever heard of. It was only one of his attempts to prove his superiority over the rest of us. When we did see one of the movies he'd suggested, he was usually the one who didn't understand it. He'd also explain this by claiming that the version we'd seen was a remake and the original was far superior.

He loved European sedans and pretended to collect art. I love old school muscle cars and I drive new muscle. I may as well admit it to you now. I have an obsession with Mustangs. So as I crept silently back out my front door, I stopped off in my kitchen and grabbed a screwdriver, a hammer and a cup of sugar. I walked over to the BMW parked behind my Jeep.

With a relish I'd never have imagined, I plunged the screwdriver into the tires one after another. I smiled with glee hearing the air screaming out of the expensive rubber, protesting the invasion of its structural integrity. No one should ever treat a fine specimen of automobilia that way.

I looked around and made sure no one was looking. I thought I saw someone behind a tree but I couldn't be sure. I tried to open his gas tank door and found it was locked; screwdriver to the rescue. I pried the door open and removed the gas cap and pissed into his gas tank. Then I poured all of the sugar in after that.

I dropped the hammer on the ground. I figured I'd come back later for that. I crept back inside the house and quickly, but quietly moved up the stairs. I could hear Josh grunting and Kathy whining as I ascended the carpet covered stairs.

"You're not doing it right," she whined.

"But I'm doing it," he wheezed. "If you're so particular about what you want, just let Brian get you off when he gets home. Satisfying his wife is supposed to be HIS job. This is just for fun."

"Yeah, but so far you're the only one having fun," she snapped. "I think next time I'll pick someone else. I still don't know why you wanted to do this. You're supposed to be his friend."

"Brian and I have always competed for everything," he wheezed. It sounded like he was really out of breath. I knew from experience that it took a lot of stamina to get Kathy off. And it sounded like Josh needed to hit the gym more often.

"That bastard stole you away from me," he wheezed. "You were always my girl. He cheated and snatched you right out from my arms. Maybe we were friends on the surface, but I've been waiting for the right time to get back at that bastard and now I have. It feels really good. I feel really powerful; like a jungle animal. I'm the king of the jungle baby. Get down on your knees and suck my dick. When Brian comes home, I think you should just take a shower but don't clean up down there. Leave my stuff inside of you. Let that asshole have my sloppy seconds."

"Josh, your sperm is so thin and watery that it'll probably run out of me as soon as I stand up. And as for sucking your dick your highness, that won't happen until you get me off at least once. Are you out of practice or something?" asked Kathy. "Don't you and Pearl have sex regularly?"

"Even you can't spoil my mood Kathy," he said. "Nothing you can say affects me. I have stolen and fucked another man's woman. In the language of the jungle that only men understand, I have power over Brian now. Whenever we compete at anything, I'll have the edge, because I'll know deep down inside who is the better more virile man. I feel like a lion that just pounced on his defenseless prey."

"But you look more like a fly that just bounced off of a stinking turd," I said loud enough for them to hear. I'd been hiding behind the door taking video and snap shots with my iPhone. I intended to use the high def video and audio as my evidence in the divorce case. Unfortunately, Kathy didn't say anything incriminating that I could use against her. It wouldn't matter, I had what I needed. I carefully put my phone away and started moving towards the bed.

I immediately knew that there was something funny going on. I heard a mixture of screams and calming voices coming from the bed. Josh was screaming like a girl and Kathy was trying to calm me down. It really should have been the other way.

"Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeee! Please don't hurt me! It was her fault, the evil bitch. She made me do it. She came after me. I'm a weak man Brian. I gave in to the sins of the flesh," screamed Josh, who towered over me and outweighed me by at least fifty pounds at two twenty five.

"Brian, calm down," said Kathy. "Honey this isn't what you think. If I wanted to cheat on you, I'd have picked something better than that."

"I am calm," I said as I punched Josh in the nose as hard as I could. His face turned bloody in an instant and he tried to hide under the covers next to Kathy. He fell off the bed on the other side and started trying to scramble to his feet, backing away from me.

"Josh, use your Karate," yelled Kathy as I advanced on him.

"Really Kath," I said. We'd both been forced to watch as Josh took a Karate class at the local YMCA along with his 6 year old son. Josh jumped into a stance with his fist held out and one leg behind the other like they did in his Karate class. His face took on a serious expression despite the blood flowing from his busted nose.

"Horse stance, now," I yelled just like his instructor did in class and laughably, Josh switched into a horse stance. The horse stance is ridiculous. You have both of your legs very far apart like you were riding a horse. Josh actually helped me. He did a little jump and came down lightly on the balls of his feet in a horse stance.

Imagine if you will, a two hundred twenty five pound man descending earthward propelled downwards by gravity. This man solidly impacts the rapidly rising foot of a man who weighs one hundred and seventy pounds, who's put everything he has into the kick. How many factors do we have here? Mass, Velocity, Gravity, Impact and Force. If you do the math...well fuck the math, when my foot hit Josh's nuts, he screamed so loud the guys on the international space station must've heard him.

Why does one man kick another man in the nuts, knowing how badly it would hurt? That's it exactly; because we know how hard it will hurt and we want the motherfucker to suffer. If someone calls you a name or pushes you, you don't kick them in the nuts. The nut kick is reserved for the worst scum of the universe. And at that moment, that was how I felt about Josh.

The kick must've been a good one. Not being a Karate guy, I'm no judge of kicks or kickness. But it felt solid and it got the desired response from my opponent. After that one long piercing scream, Josh dropped to his knees and then fell onto his face, writhing in pain and screaming, "My nuts. Oh God, my nuuuuuutzzz."

"Josh," I yelled to get his attention. He was still lying there on his side holding onto....well you know, right? Anyway he looked at me as he lay there vibrating, so I'm sure he understood me.

"You're right Josh," I said. "You're the better man. You took my woman away from me. I can't live with the shame so take the bitch with you. Get the fuck out of my house, now. Or I'll make the pain in your nuts seem like nothing."

He looked at me in confusion. But he was in too much pain to try to talk. He didn't have to though, because Kathy, clearly upset, leaped off the bed and tripped over Josh's still writhing body. Kathy is no sprite. Even at only five four to my five nine, she outweighs me by about twenty pounds. I truly believe that it was Kathy falling onto Josh that cracked his ribs and almost killed him.

"What are you talking about, Brian?" she asked. "This isn't the way this is supposed to go. We need to talk about this."

"You and Josh can talk about whatever the fuck you want," I said calmly. "But the only thing around here that needs to go is you."

"But...but...but," she began. Her eyes were rapidly filling with tears and her lips stuck out. Kathy is a reasonably attractive woman from the neck up. Until she starts crying that is. I think that's one of the reasons why throughout our twelve year marriage, I've constantly given in to her. She's ugly as hell when she cries.

"That was brilliant," I screamed. "You sounded just like a motorboat. Now but, but, but your ass out of my house."

"Brian, look at Josh," she said.

"I've seen that fat fucker too many times as it is," I said. But I turned to see what she was talking about. Josh was on the floor, turning blue. I ran over to him and started doing chest compressions.

"Move over," she said. "I weigh more than you do. I can do the compressions better. You breathe for him."

"Fuck you whore," I spat. "You fucked him, now you can blow him." As Kathy huffed away, I got an idea. I sat on Josh's chest and bounced up and down compressing it. In the meantime I called 911 on my iPhone. Once the call was over, I went back to doing the compressions the normal way. Before the ambulance got there, Josh regained consciousness. We...err...Kathy made him comfortable. I had a date with a hammer.

I went back outside and broke every pane of glass or plastic on that piece of Euro trash in my driveway. I stopped only to direct the paramedics inside the house and show them to where Josh was laid out.

"Holy fuck! He's a whale," said one of the EMTs. "Why is it that the fat fuckers always collapse upstairs," said his partner.

"Shit, he's already out of it. Let's just roll his fat ass down the stairs," said the first guy again. Then they looked at me as if they hadn't realized that I could hear them.

"Just joking sir," said the first guy again, throwing his words out from behind the shit eating grin he affected when he noticed me paying attention to their conversation.

"Oh my fucking back," said the second guy, as they lifted the back board with Josh on it.

"Why the fuck is this dude naked?" asked one.

"Fuck that," said the second guy. "Why are his nuts the size of softballs?"

"Why are you looking at his nuts?" countered the first guy again. "Are you switching teams?"

"Fuck you!" spat the first guy, almost dropping Josh in his anger.

"See, I knew you were a fruit," spat the second guy. "But it's okay. I'm open-minded. I can work with anyone; as long as they pull their weight."

"Shit, I only weigh a buck fifty nine. That fat chick's ass probably weighs more than me," said the first guy again. It was then that Kathy noticed that she was still naked.

As soon as the EMT's got Josh to the first floor they called us. "Is either of you going to ride to the hospital with him?" they asked.

"She'll meet you there," I said. "And I'll call his wife."

They got Josh into the ambulance and sped off with the siren blaring.

Kathy was looking at me timidly. "Get dressed and go to the hospital. Your lover probably needs you," I said.

"Brian, we need to talk about..." she began.

"Get your ass to the fucking hospital or wherever you're going," I spat. "After you're done checking on Josh, go stay with one of your friends. Don't come back here tonight, Kathy. I don't want to see or hear from you. I'm serious."

She got into her car and drove off after the ambulance. I went back outside with murder still left on my mind. When I got outside, I was disappointed. There was pretty much nothing left of the car to destroy. Benson and several of my other neighbors were all taking sledge hammers to it.

"I've always hated that motherfucker," smiled Benson, flashing me a grin. "I can't believe he has the balls to come sneaking around your place while you're not at home. They carried his ass out of here on a stretcher."

"Did he see any of you?" I asked.

"Yeah, but what was he going to do?" asked Clayton Endicott, another septuagenarian retiree. "Was he going to get off of that stretcher and get his ass beaten again?"

I just shrugged my shoulders and went back into the house. I called a locksmith and had him come right over and change all of the locks on my doors. I reprogrammed the garage remote and put my car back in the garage. I made myself a sandwich and started scrolling through ads on the internet to find myself a good lawyer.

Boy was I pissed to find out that it wasn't nearly as easy as they talk about in those fucking stories. I remembered those ads I've heard on the radio for ADAM. They're a divorce group that specializes in handling divorces for men. "Yessssssss," I hissed with an evil gleam in my eye. I was going to call ADAM and we were going to fuck that worthless whore. Me and ADAM would nail her cheating ass to the god damned wall. Fueled by my anger and righteous indignation, I called them. ADAM would feel my pain.

I knew that bonded by the spirit of fraternity and male bonding I would find solace with ADAM. After all they were men, they could understand this. I quickly found out the truth when a woman answered the phone. Then the bitch put me on hold. I think I ate twice and shaved before she picked the phone back up. Yep ADAM is a divorce association for men just like it says in their commercials...Rich men. There was no way, I could ever afford them. After listening to the guy talk, it felt like I was going to get fucked three times. Once, by Kathy and Josh, the second time by the court system and the third time by ADAM. And not being gay there was no way ADAM was fucking me. I quickly hung up the phone.

Besides, the guy I'd spoken to over the phone had already given me enough information to realize that no matter what I did, the cheapest way out of this would be to take Kathy's cheating ass back. Any other alternative would cost me more money than the cheating whore was worth.

I sat down on the couch and started to ponder my options. Realizing that Kath wasn't there, I put my feet up on her favorite couch. "Fuck her and this couch," I said out loud. Then I kicked one of her throw pillows onto the floor.

I didn't get much thinking done before I fell asleep. I woke up and looked at the clock and realized that I'd slept for nearly an hour. It was almost six p.m. I ran upstairs and changed into my running clothes and headed to the park to run.

When I got to the park, I noticed that one of the older guys who always ran at about the same time I did was in the park. I waved at him, the way I always did and he waved back but he seemed sad. And come to think of it I hadn't seen him in the park in over a week. While I ran, I thought about the divorce. Kathy should have realized that I was not the kind of person to have pulled this shit on. She knew my history and my family's.

I guess she just couldn't resist Josh. After all of those years, maybe she just never got over him. Maybe this was just her way of having her cake and eating it too. And I couldn't believe that Josh would do that either. Not that he was any great friend of mine. We became friends because we were the last men standing more than anything else. Everyone else we'd grown up with had moved away.

The reason that I thought it was stupid was because Josh was married too. And his wife was hot. Josh was married to Pearl Christian. I don't know how he talked her into marrying him, but that woman was the stuff that dreams were made of. She was slim, blond, and pretty and the sweetest woman ever made. Why he'd cheat on her with my pear shaped goofball of a wife was beyond me. But then I remembered that there was an article I'd read that said that most people always cheated downwards.

Josh cheated with a woman who was nowhere near as attractive as his wife. Hey, if the article was correct, it meant that I was better than Josh. I love the internet. After a couple of yucks, I got serious. I decided that maybe instead of taking the traditional path, I might have to go JPB on that bitch.

JPB is Just Plain Bob. He's one of my favorite writers and he has a knack for exposing the truth. One of the things that Bob has written about quite a lot is the fact that men can't trust the courts when it comes to getting a fair shake in a divorce. Nine times out of ten, the poor guy ends up in a tiny crappy apartment eating tuna for the rest of his life, even when he wasn't the person in the wrong. He ends up paying for his worthless wife, who usually ends up moving her lover into their house so he can support both of them. Shit, I'd kill them both first.

If this was a Just Plain Bob story, I'd have a hare-brained scheme that would end up with both of them being ridden out of town on a rail after being tarred and feathered by the whole town. I would also end up fucking Pearl and she'd fall in love with me. Unfortunately, this being reality, no one in town gave a fuck about what they'd done except me and maybe a few of my semi-senile neighbors who really just needed something to do after Jerry Springer went off.


Things My Mother Told Her



Anyway, Bob did have one thing right. In a lot of his stories the guy just moved out and moved on with his life without ever divorcing the cheating whore. I'd taken some time and looked into it on the internet and legally, men and women don't have to live together just because they're married. I decided that no matter what happened, Kathy and I were through. Now on the internet this would be where the new hot woman enters the story, smelling and looking great. She immediately falls in love with average Joe (namely me) and leaps gracefully over a crowd of rich guys, politicians, bodybuilders and just general ne'er do wells, all of whom have been gifted with foot long dicks that are as thick as beer cans.

As I finished my run, I started looking around for her. I looked behind trees. I looked on the benches. I remembered that in one of those stories the couple started out by fucking in the bushes in the park. I dove into the bushes trying to find her, but I didn't find shit. Boy was I pissed at Bob and all of those other internet writers. I had thorns and thistles in my hair and my socks as I emerged from the bushes with a grimace on my face.

"What were ya looking for?" asked the other runner. You remember him. He was the guy I said I'd never spoken to. He picked one of life's most embarrassing moments to start a conversation with me. On closer inspection, he didn't really look much like a runner. He looked older up close and to be honest, crazier.

I didn't want to tell him that I'd been looking for my imaginary perfect woman that the writers on the internet had promised me, so I held up my keys. "You look kind of off," he said. "Even when you were running; you just looked different. You didn't seem to be as focused or as happy as usual. Believe me; I know what that's like..."

"Oh shit," I thought. Here it comes. Please old guy, don't tell me your problems or your fucking life story. But he did. He droned on and on endlessly about his youth spent on the "Mighty Missip," and about a thousand other useless items and bits of trivia. Finally, he told me about how his only son, who was incidentally about my age, recently died of a sudden brain aneurism that was probably genetic, because they ran in his family. Just as I was hoping that his would pop, he surprised me. He actually asked me about my problems.

There has to be something about that whole thing about the kindness of strangers, because I just unloaded on him. And unlike what I'd done to him, he actually listened to my whining about Kathy and what she'd done and how unfair the divorce laws were. I even told him, since I figured that we didn't know each other from (I hate to say it) Adam, that I'd given just disappearing a strong consideration.

After that he just smiled at me and said, "See ya' tomorrow." As I headed back to my car, I actually felt better.

When I got back to the car, I started my usual post run rituals. I had a towel that I kept in the trunk and wiped down every trace of sweat, twice. Then I put on a warm-up suit. I wasn't cold, I just wanted to make sure I didn't damage my car's leather interior with any of my foul odors or fluids.

As I opened the door, I noticed that my iPhone was ringing. I didn't recognize the number but I answered it just for shits and giggles.

"Brian, this is Pearl," she began. Even her voice made me think of clouds, roses, twin screw superchargers and other wonderful things.

"We need to have a talk," she continued. "Can you come and bail me out of jail?"

"Pearl, I can't imagine you in jail," I said. "What did you do?"

"Oh, I got into a big fight in the hospital with your whore of a wife," she said. "It started when I was trying to find out why my pig of a husband was in the emergency room, naked as a jaybird, with his nuts swollen up to the size of cantaloupes, two broken ribs and his nose pushed so far into his head that he lost at least three IQ points. They said that if you'd hit him any harder you'd have killed him. They also have to do surgery to get his balls back down into his scrotum. It's a good thing we already have a son because well...the prognosis for future procreation is questionable."

"They asked me to bring clothes for him when I came down. So I asked them what happened to his clothes. That was when they told me that he'd been naked when they picked him up. They also gave me your address. This is when things started to get interesting. I walked into the emergency room and heard my fat assed husband talking to the medical staff. He was asking them for pain killers and screaming about how badly his nuts hurt. I thought he'd had some kind of accident at work. As soon as I got near him and asked him what had happened. He started telling me they'd given him something and it was making him sleepy. He dropped right off to sleep. The nurse standing there told me that she hadn't given him shit. I knew that something funny was going on. I'm talking about funny bullshit, not funny ha ha."

"Then your whore came over to me and started telling me how sorry she was and how she'd make it up to me but her first priority was talking to you. I asked her what the hell she was talking about and she tried to blow me off. She acted like she'd already said too much. Then I asked her why Josh had been at your house naked and what had happened and it all made sense. I figure you must've caught them doing something didn't you?" she asked.

"Anyway, she tried to just give me the bum's rush and go over to Josh. She told him not to speak to you until she worked all of this out. She told him not to talk to anyone because she was going to fix it. The bastard actually opened his eyes and nodded to her. As soon as he saw me coming up, he went back to pretending to be asleep. So I grabbed her by the shoulder to move her out of the way and she tried to swing at me. I grabbed her by the hair and launched her across the room. Unfortunately, she knocked one of the nurses down and the security guards separated us and called the police."

"The only person who can come and get me, with Josh in the hospital, is you and since you're the one I need to talk to about this anyway, will you please come and get me?" she asked in that little girl voice of hers.

"I'll be right down?" I said. I hung up the phone and started my car. Almost as soon as I disconnected, the phone rang again. I answered it immediately.

"Brian Honey, I need you to come and get me. I'm in jail," said Kathy.

"Fuck you, I hope you rot," I said hanging the phone up. I drove straight to the station and asked where Pearl was. He told me that she was in the last cell on the right. I looked through the room. There were several cells along the outsides of the room. In the center there was a big desk with a mean looking guy reading the paper. There was a phone and an ATM machine.

As I got close to the cells and could see the occupants through the screen they had blocking them from viewing the area outside of the cell block, Kathy stood up and started calling me.

"Brian, Honey," she yelled at the top of her lungs. "I knew you'd come for me, I just knew it. Just you watch. We're going to work all of this out and be even happier than we were before and..." her words trailed off as I passed right by her and kept going. I gestured to the guy at the desk and he came over.

"I'm here to rescue one of your puppies," I said.

"Be careful," he said. "Not all of them have had their shots. That bitch over there for instance is a menace."

"Yeah, I know, " I said. "She's my wife."

"Sorry, guy," he said. "I didn't mean..."

"Don't worry about it," I told him. "You're right."

"Well, you need five hundred bucks to spring her," he said.

"I'm not here for her ass. How much for the blond?" I asked.

He looked curiously at me. "Are you serious?" he asked. I nodded.

"Well, Pearl can go with you for only two fifty," he told me.

"Why the difference?" I asked.

"They both started with disturbing the peace," he said. "The arresting officers didn't bring any further charges against them because they were both emotionally distraught. But your wife kept getting lippy and had to be restrained. She's just been a general pain in the ass."

"Better your ass than mine," I said. "May I have a few moments with Pearl?"

"Of course," he said and led me over to her cell.

"Thanks for coming Brian," she said quietly. "I'm curious. How are you going to get both of us home without us tearing each other's hair out? Are you going to try to charm us into acting like ladies until we resolve this or are you going to manhandle us and make us toe the line?"

"Neither," I said. "I'm only here to get you. I'm leaving her ass in jail. It'll probably take a while for the paperwork to come through but as far as I'm concerned, she's no longer my problem."

"Hm, first time huh?" she asked. "Well, don't waste your money trying to bail me out. This card belongs to Josh. The pin number is his birthday, nine six seven six. Take out enough money for us to go to dinner and talk about this too."

I did. I went to the ATM machine and drew out four hundred dollars. I bailed Pearl out. The screaming as I walked out of the room and left Kathy in her cell was incredible. She sounded like a scalded cat.

I had a nice dinner at Texas Roadhouse with Pearl and we talked about the whole incident. It turned out that Josh had cheated on Pearl before. I listened to her tear filled story about how she'd caught him before but then as now she was trapped. Their son worshiped his father and she just couldn't see hurting the boy for something his asinine father had done. Someday she'd leave him, but not until their son was old enough to deal with it.

Once again, if this had been an internet story, I'd have fucked her every which way possible and we'd have discovered that we had the unique skill to pleasure each other in ways that no other earthly mortals could. We'd be soul mates forever and nothing would ever separate us. Back in the real world, not only did I not get any pussy, I didn't even get a goodnight kiss. Shit, I didn't get a handshake, but I did make a new friend.

When I pulled into the driveway and walked up to the house, I was really happy. I liked Pearl. She was a really special lady and I'd had a great time. I was humming a happy tune when something leaped out of the darkness of my porch and scared the shit out of me.

"Well, did you have a good time with Pearl? Are we even now? Do you know how long I've been sitting out here?" screamed Kathy. "My fucking key doesn't work. I had to take a dump in my God damned rose bushes. My ass is all scratched up. Do you know what it feels like to have a constant pain in your ass?"

I let that one slide. It was just too easy. "Why are you here?" I asked calmly.

"We're going to talk about this like adults and then make up," she said. "You really don't understand what is going on here. And you're doing this all wrong."

She was just speaking gibberish, so I walked right past her and opened the door. Then I closed it right back because she was just too close to me. I couldn't get inside without slamming the door on one of her body parts and having to go to jail for some trumped up assault charge.

"Wait here," I said. "It's going to rain tomorrow. I have to put my car in the garage."

"Everyone besides you can let their car get wet," she said. "Who owns whom? Is the Mustang your car or does it own you? Do you know how stupid that is?"

"Do you know how stupid it is to get fooled by the old 'I have to put my car in the garage trick'?" I whispered under my breath.

I used the remote inside of the car to open the garage door and pulled my car inside. Then I closed the door behind me and went into the house through the connecting door. Once inside the house, I turned on the TV and started to watch the news. Kathy started banging on the door and demanding to be let in. I turned off the lights and went to bed. It only took about twenty minutes for the police to arrive. When they knocked on the door, I yelled out the window that I'd be right down."

I opened the door and stepped out onto the porch. "Good evening sir," began the officer. "This woman claims you're keeping her out of her home. We got a call about some crazy woman causing a disturbance. What's going on here?"

"That is my soon to be ex-wife," I said, calmly yawning as if they'd awakened me. "I caught her cheating on me and threw her out." I went inside and grabbed my phone. I showed him the video.

"What a couple of whales," he said. Then he realized that Kathy was one of the whales. "Sorry ma'am," 

"Fuck you," she snapped.

"Not on a bet," he retorted.

"Anyway," I continued. "I threw her out, pending our divorce. The house is in my name alone. I bought it before we got engaged. Hang on for a second. Don't let her inside my house." I went into the office and grabbed a copy of my mortgage and my deed.

I brought them out and showed them to the officers. They nodded and told Kathy to move along. "Where am I supposed to go?" she asked.

"Anywhere but here," I said snidely. "Kathy, I'll pack up all of your stuff and put it outside for you. You can pick it up tomorrow. I'll even leave it on the porch for you just in case it rains. Unlike you, I have a job so I'll start by leaving you a few boxes every day until the weekend comes. Saturday, I'll get everything of yours out of the house."

"Brian, I don't want a divorce," she screamed. "We need to sit down and discuss this like rational adults."

"Yeah, blah blah blah," I said. "Good night officers."

The next day, as I pulled into my driveway after work, I was surprised to see my dad waiting for me. "Hey son, can we talk?" he asked. I nodded, wondering what the hell he needed. I loved my dad. He'd practically raised me by himself. There was very little I wouldn't do for the guy.

"What are your plans for the evening?" he asked.

"Throw a few weights around, and then go out for a run," I said. "Nothing major."

"Can WE talk for a while and then you can go and run?" he asked.

"Sure," I said.

I opened the door and he explained to me that Kathy was staying with him and my mom. As soon as he said my mom, my stomach started to hurt. I knew that Mom would take Kathy's side. They'd try to give me some ass brained Oprah wisdom with a side of girl power thrown in that would make it seem like this bullshit was my fault somehow. He thought it would be a good idea if we all got together to talk about this.

"No Dad," I said. "I love you but this isn't your business."

"But son," he said. "I raised you to be better than this. When you were a kid, I..."

"Oh please don't give me that shot about teaching me right from wrong and living life like the good book says," I whined. "You did all of that shit and look where it got you. Besides, this isn't about you and me talking. We both know that this is a scheme to get me to talk to Kathy about what she did. This is her way to try to convince me that this shit is somehow my fault. I somehow did something to make her spread her legs for Josh and we should forgive each other and roll on."

"By the time she's done, we'll all be sitting around the campfire singing Kum by Yah and trying to do the wave. Fuck her. I ain't buying it. Tell her that I should have a lawyer soon and we'll sit down and talk once the papers are ready and she signs them." He nodded at me and went back to his car.

I loved my dad, but I had no respect for him.

Things progressed rapidly over the next few days. I got a lawyer, he drew up divorce papers. Now to be honest, the guy I got wasn't the best. He was the cheapest. He even downloaded the papers from the internet. I was fine with it. I didn't want to spend even a quarter extra to get rid of the bitch.

He did do me one great favor though. He went and saw Josh. He had both Josh and I sign non-prosecution agreements or some other legal shit. It basically meant that Josh wouldn't sue me or prosecute me for whipping his ass. And I wouldn't sue him for destroying my marriage. I'm pretty sure that Pearl had something to do with it. I found out later that she liked the new Josh. Actually I did too. Since he was now technically a eunuch, he didn't have the problem of all of that excess testosterone running around in his system. The doctors having to remove his balls made life easier for all of us. He was far more agreeable and much less of an asshole.

Kathy got the papers when they were delivered to her by a gum chewing, college girl who looked bored. She didn't sign them. Her lawyer immediately asked for a settlement meeting to counter my offer. My lawyer told me that it was some kind of ploy. He said that technically what they should have done was to send us a counter offer; especially since my offer was more like a slap to her face. My offer basically amounted to Kathy having to just take her shit and git. No alimony, no support, no nothing. I was not going to pay that slut a dime for cheating on me. My lawyer told me that it was basically an insult.

I told him she'd insulted me by fucking the being formerly known as Josh in my house. We gathered in Kathy's lawyer's office. As I looked around, I noticed that her lawyer had nice stuff. Nice stuff is expensive and has to be paid for. She looked across the table and smiled at me. She'd gone all out. She'd had her hair done. She was wearing an outfit that I loved. It made her ass look less fat. She'd obviously had her makeup done professionally.

"How the hell are you paying for all of this?" I asked. "You don't have a job." Her lawyer got noticeably nervous when I said that.

"Your mom and dad loaned me some money," she said. "I figured we'd pay them back after we get back together again."

I started laughing immediately. "What's so funny, Honey?" she asked.

"We're here to talk about our divorce," I told her. "What gives you the idea that we're going to get back together?"

"I love you dummy," she said. "We're going to be just like your parents."

If this was five years ago, the look I gave her would have been done by a wrestler known as, "The Rock." It would have been called the people's eyebrow. Suddenly, her lawyer, my lawyer and I were all passing glances between us. Our expressions all said the same thing, "Bitches be crazy!"

"Can we get back to the divorce?" asked my lawyer.

"Sounds like a plan," said her guy. "We've put together a theoretical counter offer that I'd like you to peruse in the event that we can't somehow manage to work things out between you two. But before we talk about ugly things like divorces and settlements, may I suggest counseling?"

"I don't want to talk about any of that," whined Kathy. "You guys can work all of the numbers out. I am only here to talk to my husband and try to explain what happened and why."

I looked over the papers her lawyer handed and started laughing.

"What's so funny?" asked her lawyer. "This settlement is based on recent settlements awarded in cases similar to yours in this state."

"Remember the episode on Star Trek when Spock fell in love with that human woman? I feel like telling you what Kirk told him." He looked at me curiously.

"You're out of your Vulcan mind," I said, mimicking Shatner's iconic delivery.

"There is no way I'm giving that slut anything except air and opportunity," I said.

"What kind of opportunity?" she asked. "If you're talking about the opportunity to stay married, I'll take it."

"I was actually talking about the opportunity to get the fuck away from me," I said.

"Brian, if you can't listen to reason, I'll take every God damned dime you have," she said. "If we go into court neither one of us will be happy. I'm not being unreasonable here. All I want is to go back to what we had. You don't even know why this happened. You haven't even had the decency to let me explain. If we go to court your ass is grass."




Things My Mother Told Her



"Are you threatening me?" I asked.

"Take it any way you want it," she said. "You either get everything you've always had including me, or you don't get shit. I'll take it all."

"Fuck you, Kathy," I sneered. I got up so fast that the chair I was sitting in clattered to the floor behind me. I walked out of the office and left with Kathy screaming for me to come back.

I was far angrier than I'd thought I'd be. Since the beginning of this farce, I'd done the same thing that a lot of men do. I'd tried my best to just keep moving. It's one of the things that men do. We are told from an early age not to show weakness. "Don't ever let 'em see you cry, son," our fathers have always told us. We all knew that if we let even our friends know that we had even a shred of emotion, that like wolves, they'd turn on us and eat us alive. And they'd do that whether with serious intent or just the ribbing that long time friendships breed. So we learn to bottle our emotions and keep it all inside.

Shit, I loved Kathy. I loved her enough to compete with Josh over her for my entire God damned life. But once I married her, the competition was supposed to be over. You can't live with someone and eat and piss and sleep and fuck with them for over twelve years without having some kind of emotional connection.

You don't stay with a person for years and watch them change and grow without loving them. Even as Kathy changed over the years, I still loved her. As her mind grew narrower and her ass grew wider, my love for her only matured. Though I'd tried to hold it in, the pain of her betrayal intensified every day. Up until that day, my goal was to just work through it, get the divorce and get her out of my life so I could grieve and start my life over. She wasn't allowing me to do that though. She kept calling me and showing up and it just got worse and worse.

In fact, it was beginning to make me hate Kathy. After all, I'd gotten my revenge on Josh. I'd kicked his fucking ass and changed his life forever. I'd also in a way, made things better for Pearl because Josh wouldn't be cheating on her again. But Kathy was supposed to be my wife. She was the one whose betrayal cut the deepest and all I'd done was to try to stay the fuck away from her. My mind, my spirit, my honor cried out for punishment for her as well. But I just couldn't bring myself to do anything.

When I got home, I went out for my run, my mind was still working over time trying to figure out a way to A) force her to sign the God damned divorce papers; and B) to agree to a settlement that didn't involve giving her an unfair amount of my assets. Why the fuck can't women who are divorced or divorcing work? For thousands of years, women have been carrying the torch claiming that they are equal to men, right? So, why the fuck is it that when a couple divorces, even women who work, need something from their husband?

As I pondered this and other questions, the miles melted away and with them some of my tension. As I finished my run, I was feeling better. A lot of my stress was gone but the questions I'd been pondering still had no answers.

The old guy I always ran into in the park was gesturing for me to come over. I wasn't in the mood for another dose of his life story, but I went anyway. It's a dead area in my DNA. I always have to talk to other runners and anyone who drives a Mustang. It's like we're all one large fucked up family.

He looked at me like he'd come up with the answer to world peace. "Remember what you told me the other day?" he asked. I nodded.

"Remember how you were talking about how you wanted to just disappear?" he asked.

"Yeah, but that was a fantasy," I said. "She'd still track me down as soon as I tried to get a job. That is, unless I wanted to work as a migratory farm worker or something else where I got paid under the table. I have to admit that I am far too fucking spoiled to do that. That was why I went to college. I'm addicted to shit. There are things that I need to make my life worth living. Kathy wasn't necessarily one of them, but I needed cable TV. I need my Mustang. I need Wi-Fi. I need a certain standard of living, to be happy. I know it's stupid, but it's me."

"But do YOU have to be YOU?" he asked smiling. I started wondering if that aneurysm had nearly snapped the rubber band that powered his brain. Seeing the puzzled expression on my face, he held out his hand.

He handed me his dead son's social security card and driver's license and my mouth dropped open. He also handed me a folder that, as I looked through it, turned my slack jawed expression into a smile. I hugged the old man and thanked him profusely. Then I jumped into my car and sped off. I had it all. I had a degree that wasn't too far away from the one I'd actually earned. I had a military record. I had full school records. I even had a couple of outstanding school loans I could start paying off as soon as I got a new job. The old man had given me a new life and on my way to that new life, I was going to give Kathy hell.

Over the next few days, I had an entirely different lease on life. Kathy and her lawyer called for meetings and I laughed and hung up the phone on them. I listed my house with a real estate agent and asked for a quick sale. I started looking around for a different city to live in.

I put Kathy off for a week or so until my dad came to see me. "Brian, Kathy is going crazy," he said. "She spends half of her time screaming at everyone and being a bitch, and the rest of it she spends crying. She really does love you and she wants to get back with you."

"Dad, this is my life. I need you to stay out of it," I said.

"Brian, don't try to turn this into a discussion of your not approving my choices," he told me. "Just talk to her. You guys have been married for twelve years. You owe her that much."

"I don't owe her shit, Dad," I snapped. "What about what she owed me. What about not fucking other guys. Did she owe me that? Cause if so, I'd say we're about even then."

"Just think about it, Son. Whatever you decide in the end, I know you'll make the best choice for yourself. But at least talk to her. Who knows, it might change your mind."

"I'll talk to her dad," I said. "Tell her to come over tonight after my run. But I'm not talking to her because I owe it to her. The only thing you owe a whore is the amount you settled on before-hand. I'm talking to her because I owe it to you, Dad."

I'd been thinking about it for days and though he'd never told me, I figured something out at that moment. Seeing my dad come over here with his tail between his legs to beg for something that meant nothing to him had told me everything I needed to know. I love my dad but up until I figured out what was behind his actions, I didn't respect him. I think I understood him more now and my respect had grown accordingly. Actually, it was something Pearl had told me that convinced me that my dad was more of a man than I was.

When I got home that day I was very tense. I wasn't looking forward to the drama that I was sure Kathy would bring. I got a call and was surprised to find Pearl on the other end of the line. "Brian, can we come over?" she asked.

"Define, we," I said.

"Brian, you know what I'm talking about," she said. "We, means Josh and me, just like always. We're still married, just like you and Kathy are. He has some things he wants to say to you."

"Alright," I said. "But just so you know it, Kathy and I are still married only because she won't sign the fucking papers." There was silence on the line for a second and I realized what I'd done. For most of the time that I'd known her, Pearl didn't curse or use any kind of bad language. She'd slipped a couple of times during that problem with Josh but that was understandable.

"Sorry, Pearl," I said quietly.

"We'll be over shortly," she said.

I started to do my weight workout but I just didn't have it in me that day. I was almost glad when the doorbell rang and I had to answer it.

Pearl was just as beautiful as ever, but Josh had changed a lot. It looked like he'd put on at least ten or twelve pounds over the past few weeks. He looked different too. It seemed as if he was far more timid.

"Brian, I wanted to apologize for everything," he said.

"Uhm, I guess I over-reacted," I said.

"No you didn't," he said. "Under the circumstances I guess I'd have done the same thing. But that wasn't what I was apologizing for. I was apologizing for everything. Since we met back when we were kids, I've never been a very good friend and I'd like to erase all of that and start over." He held out his hand for me to shake. I was shocked.

I shook his hand and almost threw up a little bit in my mouth. His hand was clammy and soft. It was the dreaded dead fish handshake. I'd been expecting Josh to try to break my God damned fingers the way he always did, but this was clearly a different Josh.

"Brian, don't rush to start having sex with Kathy again," he said as they got ready to leave. "I haven't been a very good husband either. I had a couple of STDs and Kathy may have them. But I want you to know one thing. This time it wasn't just me. Kathy came after me. It seemed like she was desperate to have an affair with someone. She just picked me first because we knew each other and were comfortable with each other. If it hadn't been me, it would have been someone else. And luckily, you caught us the first time. There has to be something motivating her because it sure wasn't the sex." He shrugged his shoulders and they left. Pearl hung back for a few minutes.

"Well, Brian," she said. "All's well that ends well. And I owe it all to you." She smiled at me but there was something going on behind those beautiful eyes.

They left and I was still puzzled as I went out to run. I had a great run but I didn't see the old man. I wondered where he'd gone to but I didn't dwell on it.

On the trip home, the call that I'd been waiting for came in. My realtor had a firm offer on the house. I told her to take it and work out the details as quickly as possible. When I pulled up in front of the house, Kathy was waiting for me.

She'd dressed up again and had her hair done again. She was wearing a skirt that on a slimmer woman would have been attractive, but with an ass as big as hers, just looked cheap. She had stockings on. They were the type with the garter belts and as she sat on the porch I was looking straight up her skirt. It really looked as if she didn't have any panties on underneath all of that finery.

I started laughing. "What's so funny, Honey?" she asked. Then she noticed where I was looking.

"See anything you like?" she asked coyly. "If you try hard enough you might be able to convince me that we should talk in bed. It's been a long time for both of us and there's no reason we can't relieve a little bit of tension while we figure this out."

I laughed even harder. "Kathy, you came here to talk," I said. "Your inability to keep your legs closed was what got us here in the first place. Ever since I caught you and Josh you've been telling me that you needed to explain this to me. This is your chance to give me this big explanation to make sense of this. I'm waiting to hear the awesome revelation, because for the life of me I can't understand why you did what you did. Kathy, our life wasn't perfect but it was a good one. I loved you more than you'd ever know. So let's hear why you ruined us.

She just looked at me for a while. Then one tear rolled down her cheek. "Brian, I love you too. And like you said our life was good. We had our arguments and all of that, but it was a good life. I just wanted it to be better. For a while now I've looked at some other couples, one in particular. Some of their relationships weren't as good as ours. But there's this one couple that I am so jealous of.

They go EVERYHWERE together. They do EVERYTHING together. If she gets her hair done, he goes to the beauty shop with her. He takes her along when he gets his hair cut. On his poker nights, she's the hostess. It's so romantic that I could just die. You can imagine the two of them together forever. That's what I wanted us to be like, Brian," she said.

"Who the fuck, are these weirdos?" I asked.

"They're the weirdos who raised you, Brian," she said. I started laughing my ass off. She just looked at me.

"I want us to have the kind of marriage that your parents have. I asked your mom for some advice. I thought that maybe they had something that we had lost. But after talking to her, I realized that we were stronger than they are. Your mom told me that she used to feel the same way I was feeling. She thought that they were going nowhere and she was just bored. She made a mistake. She fell for some slick con man's line and she ended up having an affair with him. Your dad found out and they had a really rough patch, but they ended up back together because they loved each other so much. And even now, years later, they're still stronger for it. I think that maybe before her affair, the two of them were in a space where they took each other for granted. But they grew to realize that they loved each other far too much for that, so now they live each day like it was their last." She was looking at me wistfully and she had a gleam in her eyes.

I couldn't hold it in anymore, so I fell over onto the floor laughing. When I looked up at her she was still sitting there with that dumb ass look on her face.

"Is it really that funny?" she asked. After a few more laughs, I wiped the tears from my eyes and got back into my chair.

"Okay, you've had your say. Can I have my divorce now?" I asked cheerfully.

"Brian, you're not making sense," she said. "Why do you still want a divorce? Can't you see that this was all about making us a better couple?"

"Kathy, we've been married for twelve God damned years," I started. "Have you ever seen or heard me, even talk to my mother?"

"Well no," she said. "You do love your father though. But you and he have a weird relationship too."

"That's because my father fucked up," I snapped. "My mother cheated on him. She gave you the Disney version of what went on. My father was out busting his ass everyday while she sat around on her ass watching soap operas and eating Bon-Bons. I was in school most of the time so the bitch had nothing to do. That's why she was bored. When my dad found out, they didn't have a rough patch. He threw her cheating ass out and she came crying back to him. Her affair had gone on for months when he found out. When dad threw her out, she found out that she couldn't make it on her own. Her lover didn't want her. It's a simple rule, just like the one with you and Josh. Why own the cow when you can get the milk or in your case, the pussy, for free. Josh is married to a woman who is better looking and nicer than you are, Kathy. For him it was never about you or even the sex. It was about him proving that he was better than me. He wanted to prove that he could take something from me. And he did. Unfortunately for him, it changed his fucking life." I looked at her and she shrank away from me.

"My father follows my mother around everywhere she goes just like you said Kath. But it's not because they're so deeply in love. It's because he doesn't trust the bitch any farther than he can throw her. And with his arthritis, he can't even lift her. Even after all of these years, he doesn't trust her enough to let her out of his sight. That's not the way I intend to live."

"I have never forgiven my mother for what she did to our family, Kath. That's the reason I don't talk to her or invite her over when we have family gatherings. I give my dad presents on Christmas and his birthday and just ignore my mom. The reason my relationship was so weird for years with my dad was because I love him, but I didn't respect him. In the back of my mind, I always considered him a wimp or better yet a cuckold for allowing that bitch to come back into our lives. I've been thinking a lot about it lately and I realize I misjudged my dad. I respect him and I feel so sorry for not doing so for all of those years."

She was still looking at me in shock. "So what changed your mind about your dad?" she asked.

"I was just thinking about it and I realized that there was a difference between Dad's situation and mine," I said.

"You mean your mom cheated lots of times and I only did it once," she smiled.

"No Kath," I said. "My mom admitted that the guy she cheated with was really slick and he kind of tricked her and she just went along with it. Maybe it gave her some kind of thrill but it wasn't initially something she looked for. You, on the other hand, went looking for Josh. So that makes you an even bigger whore than my mom and you know how I feel about her. The difference between my dad and I is me."

"What?" she said. "I don't get it."

"I can easily dump your cheating ass and get a divorce because I have only myself to think about. My dad hated my mom just as much as I hate you, but he had a kid to take care of. In those days there weren't daycare centers all over the place. He had to do the best he could to make sure I was safe and taken care of. So he bit the bullet and took her back. He did it for me."

She looked stunned. "You know me Kathy. You know how much I value loyalty and trust. And now you know why. I feel so sorry for my dad. He's been chained to a woman he no longer trusts for so long just for me."

"But they love each other," sputtered Kathy.

"And I love you Kathy," I said. "I don't like you right now. I hate what you did to us. But I'll never trust you again. And I have no intention of living the way my dad does. Following you around all the time and having to watch everything you do would be like being in prison. The divorce will be better for both of us."

"Brian, I'll do anything you ask. It will never happen again," she said quickly. "I misjudged you. Your mother didn't tell me the whole story."

"Don't try to dump all of this on brainless Betty," I said. "You had a choice. You just made the wrong one. I really think that you saw an opportunity to relive some of the fun you had in the old days with Josh and you took it. You just used the shit my mom spewed as an excuse. So can we both move on with the divorce and our lives?"

"No, Brian," she snapped. "If we end up divorced, I'll take every fucking dime you have. You'll be so much better off keeping me. You'll get to keep all of your stuff. You'll get all the sex you want. All you have to do is just forgive me this one time. I swear I'll be the best wife any man has ever had."

"You should have quit while you were behind," I said. "See you in court. You can come and pick up the rest of your stuff Saturday."

"Nuh unh, Brian," she smiled. "I know that you own the house. You bought it before we got engaged. But it has been my primary residence for the past twelve years. That means that if I get an injunction, I can still live here until the court settles our divorce. So you're going to have a housemate, Sweetie. My lawyer believes he can get the injunction by Saturday. That's only four days away. I'll see you soon, Honey. And Brian I won't be wearing many clothes around the house so I'm sure you'll give in and we'll be sleeping together soon. I'll bet you don't last beyond Wednesday."

"Kathy, Josh told me personally that he had a couple of STDs. There's no way I'd ever fuck you again, goodnight. You really should have taken my settlement offer. I got up and went into the house and left her sitting there on the porch with her mouth open in shock.

The next day, I went in to work and told my boss that because of a family emergency I had to quit and that day would be my last. I rented a U-haul truck and loaded everything I had into it. I drove it to my new apartment in a town four hundred miles south of us. I returned the truck to the U-haul place and rented a car trailer. I hitched the trailer behind my jeep two days later and hauled my Mustang to the new apartment. I drove back and on Thursday I went in to work and picked up my last check. I got the check for the sale of my house as well. I put both in a new bank account in my new name. I silently thanked that crazy old man one more time, then I drove away to start my new life.




Things My Mother Told Her



I kept in contact with my dad. I used a cheap track phone that I'd bought using cash from a gas station. Dad was the only person I called on that phone. I got the number of my iPhone changed. When I called Dad that first week, he told me how pissed Kathy was that I'd sold the house and moved. When she'd pulled up and found all of her stuff out by the curb awaiting trash pick-up, she'd gone crazy and stormed the door.

The new owners, a retired couple in their seventies, explained to her that they'd just bought the house and had just moved in. There was nothing Kathy could do about it. The sale was totally legal.

I'd also drained our accounts totally. Kathy was dead ass broke. She didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. Dad spent an hour laughing and telling me about all of her threats and the names she called me.

The more we talked, the more it became apparent that my dad was proud of me for what I'd done. I'd been fortunate enough to do what he was never able to.

Over the next few weeks, I called my dad often. After a while, I'd started to feel some tension in him. I asked him what was going on.

"Son, Kathy and your mother are going crazy. Your mom keeps filling that girl's head with shit. And Kathy apparently isn't wrapped too tight because she believes it. In her mind, YOU broke HER heart. They made me pay for a private investigator to try to find you. So far he hasn't come up with shit. You did a good job of covering your tail. I assume you have all new credit cards and everything else because they haven't been able to find a trace of you. Shit, after reading the reports and they are thorough, I'd almost believe you'd just ceased to exist too."

Okay, Dad," I said. "I tried twice to be nice to that bitch. I tried to get a fair and legal divorce from her but she wanted to play games. Then I tried just going my way and letting her go hers. But I can see that Kathy and mom are putting a lot of pressure on you, both emotionally and financially, so I'm going to take her ass off of the table. You'll have to deal with mom on your own. It'll take me a few days to figure it out. Can you hang on for that long?"

He told me he could and I started planning. Over the month or so that I'd been here, I'd made a few friends. Some of them were very good friends, especially Jeff Withers. Jeff Drove a Mustang GT the same generation as mine and had added a lot of the same performance parts that I had. Jeff had gotten me to join the local chapter of the Mustang Club of America. I really wasn't much of a joiner but they turned out to be really great people and we all had a lot in common.

Jeff was a single guy and he loved traveling and women. Getting Jeff to loan me his apartment wasn't difficult. After living here a month, I'd had to give up my apartment and buy a house just outside of the city. Apartment living simply wasn't for me. I needed the room of a house. I was building a deck and landscaping my back yard. There was also the fact that no matter which city you live in, crime is a part of life. When I lived in the apartment, I'd had to park my Mustang either on the street or in the parking spaces behind the building. In both cases, my baby was at the mercy of both the elements and the criminal element. As soon as I bought the house, I felt much better. My car felt better once she had her own garage again or at least I felt better for her.

As I said, getting Jeff to loan me his apartment wasn't difficult. Getting him to trade cars with me for a week was a bitch. I had to promise to let him have a couple of parties during the year at my house. I also had to agree to let him park his Mustang in the second slot in my two car garage over the upcoming winter. My Jeep would have to stay outside, but shit, that's what Jeeps are made for.

With all of the details of my plan worked out, I had to reel in the fish. Unlike most fish though, women are sneaky and suspicious. I had to make her work for it. If I just gave her the information, Kathy and my mom would probably smell a trap. I had to do it in a way that made it look like they were outsmarting me.

I called Dad during a time when I knew he'd be at the dinner table with Mom and Kathy. We'd rehearsed his lines before-hand. It was really cool to listen to him acting over the phone.

"Uhm, yeah," he said. "I can do that. Where is it? Oh, it's still in the old garage. Do you think they'll let me have it? Okay, you called them already. Where? Wait let me get a pen and some paper. Okay, where should I send it? Hang on, I'm writing it down. Do you think I'm stupid or something? Yes, I'll destroy the address as soon as I send the package. You don't trust me? You're sending me your work address instead. That's still good, as long as you can get your stuff. Okay, bye."

When he said, "Bye," dad hadn't really hung up the phone and I could hear both Kathy and my mom grilling him over the still open phone line.

"Who was that Honey?" asked my mom.

"Just a guy I know," said my Dad. "He needs me to do something for him. I'm probably going to run out and do it after dinner. You're coming with me."

"It was Brian wasn't it?" snapped Kathy. "I can't believe you've been talking to him for all of this time and didn't tell me."

"Blood is thicker than sleaze," said my dad.

"You didn't tell me either," snapped my mom. "And I'm his mother. He's my blood too."

"He hasn't considered you his mother since...well you know when," said my dad.

"Where is he?" asked Kathy. "I just need to see him. If I could just talk to him, I'm sure I could convince him to come back and once we're back together, I'd be out of your house and out of your hair."

"No way," said my dad.

"Honey, just tell me then," said my mom.

"Not happening," said my dad.

"Things could get pretty cold in the bedroom," hinted my mom.

"Woman, you really need to think about what you're saying," hissed my dad. "We're in our sixties. It's always cold in our bedroom. If I need to get warmer, I either turn up the heat or add another blanket to the bed. What you need to think about is that winter is coming and it'll be pretty fucking cold on the streets too. Remember what it was like last time you were on your own. And you aren't really a spring chicken anymore."

My mom didn't utter a single word for the rest of the conversation. I was laughing my ass off.

"I don't trust either of you," said my dad. "He tore the paper that he'd written the address down on off of the pad, balled it up like we'd planned and burned it with his lighter."

"I'm not senile yet," he said. "I can remember most of the address."

After dinner he and my mom went over to my old house. I'd already called the new owners and asked them to give my dad a box of junk and pretend it was important. They understood that sometimes you have to humor older people. They ended up inviting my mom and dad in for coffee and had a good time. I later found out that my mom was really pissed that Dad decided to wait until the next day to ship it out, because she'd been hoping to get a copy of the address when she and dad went to the Fed-Ex drop off store.

She didn't need to. I'd told dad already how sneaky Kathy was. You don't live with a woman for twelve years without finding out how devious she can be. I'd had dad write really hard as if he was angry. I was sure that Kathy would figure out the address.

According to dad, when he and mom got back Kathy was already packing. As I'd figured she'd done that old school kids trick where she'd run a pencil back and forth over the pad dad had used until she got the address from the impressions his pen had left. She'd borrowed more money from mom and left that night. Dad said she even kissed him and mom goodbye before she left, supposedly to visit a sick friend. She and mom really thought they were fucking detectives.

The funniest thing was that she had worked so hard to organize her own downfall.

I'd told my new boss that I needed a few days off to handle a family issue. He agreed, but told me it would have to come from my vacation time. That was like a kick in the nuts (Sorry Josh) because I hadn't been on the job long enough to build up very much vacation time yet. But I figured it was worth it.

The next day, I called my dad and found out that he'd listened to my mom and Kathy on the phone. Kathy had driven all night and she was going to wait for me outside of what she thought was the building I worked in. I drove there in Jeff's Mustang and went inside. She moved her car closer to Jeff's car and waited for me.

Jeff's office was only one in a huge building. There were stores, offices for doctors and lawyers and a host of other businesses including a movie theater. Kathy had no idea which office or business I worked for and in actuality, I worked clear across town. I spent the first few hours of the morning window shopping. Then I grabbed Jeff and his adorable secretary and took them out to lunch. Jeff and I pretended not to see Kathy following us. We talked loudly about what we were doing including me bragging about how I'd be leaving at three that day.

"Got a hot date?" asked Jeff.

"Maybe," I replied. "I won't know how hot until I get her home. It's been so long since I've had sex that I think I've forgotten how. I'd probably screw anything that isn't nailed down right now."

"Including me?" asked Jeff's secretary.

"Sorry Annabelle," I said. "You're too nice of a lady for that. Maybe when I get over my emotional problems we'll talk. Besides you're married."

Kathy's face was getting angrier by the second as she sat in the booth behind us. I'd noticed that she'd been walking funny when she got into the restaurant. It took me a while to figure out that she'd been waiting for me outside the whole time and hadn't been able to use the restroom. She'd been able to quickly relieve herself in the restaurant's ladies room and now she was pissed over what she believed was my carefree lifestyle. Jeff and Annabelle were both calling me Brian instead of Carl, my new name.

She followed us back to the building when we left the restaurant, which gave me the idea that she wanted to confront me alone instead of with my friends. I was sure that she also wanted to follow me home. I could always get another job, but it would take time for me to find another place to live if I just tried to disappear again.

For the afternoon, I made sure I had Jeff's cell phone on speed dial. Then I went to the movies to see that new movie the Bourne Legacy. I felt like seeing a spy drama to get me in the mood for the afternoon.

As soon as the movie ended, I walked back to my car. It was a few minutes after three. I waved at several people as I walked through the parking lot and spoke to them like I knew them. Everything about me said that I'd been here for a while and this was part of my everyday routine. I got into Jeff's Mustang and drove relatively slowly, back to his apartment. What happened next was one of my favorite parts of the whole scenario. The previous day I'd bought ice cream from the passing ice cream truck for a lot of the kids playing in front of Jeff's building.

As I got out of the car, they all came running up to me. A couple of them pointed me out to their mothers and I waved at them too. I was sure that Kathy was even more pissed now because a couple of those young mothers were hot. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her get out of her car and come towards me. I ducked into the building. I had to act quickly. I told the doorman to let Kathy in. He remembered me since Jeff and I had spoken to him previously. He was helping us for two reasons. The first was that we were paying him fifty bucks. The second reason was because as a divorced guy himself, he was always willing to help stick it to a cheater; especially since he'd gotten fleeced in his divorce.

I got into the elevator alone and rode it up to the fifth floor where Jeff lived. I was sure that I'd walked slowly enough that Kathy could see which floor the elevator stopped on. I waited near the elevators until the next one came. Just as the doors opened, I yelled. "Okay, see ya later," to an imaginary person down the hallway. That way Kathy wouldn't think that I'd been waiting for her. She'd hear the end of a conversation and think that I'd stopped to speak with one of my neighbors. I walked down the hall and fumbled with Jeff's keys to give her the chance to get closer.

Just as I got the door open she barged right into the apartment behind me.

"Hello Brian," she said smugly. "Did you miss me?"

"Kathy!" I said in pretend shock. "How did you find me?"

"It was fate," she said. "We're meant to be together. " She walked around the living room touching several items, but never took her eyes off of me.

"Well this is kind of small for the two of us, but we'll make due until we get a bigger place. Besides it's cozy. It'll bring us closer together after we get used to it," she said.

"What the fuck are you talking about, crazy woman?" I asked. "We're not getting back together."

"Brian we don't have to get back together. We're married," she spat.

"I tried to divorce you," I spat.

"Pfah, I blocked that shit," she said smugly.

"Which is why I left town," I retorted. "Just because we're married it doesn't mean we have to live together."

"What you did was you ran out on me," she said. "That's abandonment."

"Which again is grounds for divorce," I said.

"I don't want a divorce, Brian," she said. "What I want is us back together and now I have it."

"Look Kathy, we need to have a serious talk about all of this," I said in a very defeated tone. "I have a date tonight that I need to start getting ready for. She's a really nice lady and I'd hate to disappoint her. I guess I'll have you spying on me on that date too huh?"

"No Brian," she said. She had a funny look on her face. I think I'd tipped her off that I'd seen her following me.I also think she knew that if she left the apartment I'd never let her back in.

"I'm going to wait right here in our apartment," she said, smiling. Don't bring the bimbo home with you. I'd hate to embarrass you in front of her. Besides, like you told your friends, this whole date is just about you getting some pussy. You have all you need right here." 

"No thanks," I said. "I like mine disease free."

"Whatever," she said. "Just get your ass back here so I can talk to you. We need to work this out. Things between us are getting out of hand. And Brian, I've been watching you. If you want kids, we can have our own. I saw the way you were with those kids in front of the building. And I also saw how half of their mothers were looking at you as daddy material."

I busied myself getting ready for my non-existent date. I was picking up several small items that she'd touched and putting them into my pocket. Then I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. She smiled and I picked up a box with some knick knacks in it.

"Kathy, can you hand me my watch? My hands are full," I said. She looked on the counter and picked up a big gold fake Rolex that Jeff used to impress rich women.

"Wow, nice watch," she said looking it over. "Maybe we should get me a ladies watch to match it."

"My hands are full," I said.

"So, what do you want now?" she asked.

"A kiss goodbye," I said.

"Awwww! I can do that," she said. "Hurry back."

I closed the door and immediately hit Jeff's cell on my speed dial. Across town, Jeff was calling 911 and heading home. I put on gloves so I wouldn't leave finger prints on it and left Jeff's Faux-Lex watch on the front seat of Kathy's car that she forgot I had a key to. I put the other small items that she'd touched on the back seat and the entire box of knick knacks in her trunk. Jeff was just pulling up as I walked away from her car. We high fived each other, switched car keys and paid the doorman for his part in the fun. Just as I pulled out of the lot, the police cars arrived. I pulled off the road to let them by as any good citizen would do when official vehicles with sirens blaring are in the vicinity.

I called home and spoke to my dad. There was no need for any further subterfuge so I used my iPhone. "Hey Dad," I said. "Her ass is grass and I've started the lawn mower."

My mom got on the line. "Brian, is that you? Did Kathy find you?" she asked. I hung up the phone.

The next evening I was having a steak with Jeff while he told me what had happened. After I'd left he'd called the police to report a break in and told them that the burglar was still there. The police had come in with sirens blaring and went up to his apartment.

When they'd found Kathy sitting there on his couch getting comfortable, they'd been shocked and he had as well. Kathy had sworn that it was her and her husband's apartment. And Jeff had told them that it was his apartment and he'd been living there for more than four years. Jeff also told them that he'd never heard of or met anyone named Brian. The doorman had, of course, proven Jeff to be right as had the building manager.

The doorman had said that he'd seen Kathy going and coming several times during that day and Kathy had sworn he was lying. Jeff started asking about several things in his apartment that were missing. The police had followed Kathy out to her car and found several things, including the watch Jeff had asked about in Kathy's car. Jeff told them that he'd been on vacation for a few days and hadn't been there.

The police told Jeff that there had been a rash of people whose apartments had been robbed and ransacked while they were out of town. Once they booked Kathy on suspicion of burglary and took her finger prints, they found her prints on several of Jeff's items and put her in jail. Kathy used her phone call to call my mom. Dad refused to either bail Kathy out or provide a lawyer for her so she ended up with a public defender.

Kathy told the police over and over again how she'd gone into the apartment to be with her husband, Brian. The police took down her information. She also told them that I worked in the big office building downtown and was friends with a lot of the workers there. They checked and found no record of me working in any of the offices or businesses in the building. The police had what they thought was a pretty strong case. They'd found her in an apartment that didn't belong to her without the permission of the person who lived there. They'd also found several items in her car that had been stolen from that apartment and they had her fingerprints on most of the items. It just didn't look good for her.

Kathy refused to take a plea, so a few weeks later a judge gave her five to seven for breaking and entering, trespassing, burglary, petty theft and home invasion. It turned out that we got lucky. That judge himself had his home broken into while he'd been on vacation and he tried to break his foot off in Kathy's ass when it came to the sentencing.

Kathy was supposed to serve out her sentence in the women's prison near our home town. Her lawyer did manage to get that for her. It meant that at least mom could visit her while she was in prison. It also meant that since my wife was a convicted criminal, getting my divorce was child's play and I was a happy camper.

I couldn't help twisting the knife one last time, so I went to see her in prison too. I tapped on the glass and the partition opened so we could see each other.

"Hey, Kath. You look good in that orange jumpsuit," I said.

"Fuck you Brian," she hissed. "When I get out of here..."

"Kathy," I said, interrupting her in the coldest voice I could manage. "Shut the fuck up and quit while you're behind. You cheated on me and fucked up what had been a good marriage. I tried to let you slide twice, but you kept pushing. You deserved what you got. Next time you start any shit with me it'll be worse. When you get out of jail, you'll be in your mid to late forties. You'll have enough life left that you can start all over again if you can find someone who wants to put up with your shit. On the other hand, if you want to fuck with me, I'll have at least five years to plan a way to get you locked up for a lot longer."




Things My Mother Told Her



I walked away and left her there looking at me through the glass and thinking about what I'd said. Finally my spirits were lifted and I felt good again. I stopped by my dad's house to wish him well and we talked for a while on the porch.

"I still can't believe you pulled that shit off, son," he said laughing. My mom came to the door and looked at me. "Hi Bri..." she began, but then thought better of it and went back into the house.

"You know son, you're going to have to forgive her someday," said my dad. "And I guess someday I'm going to have to let her off her leash and start trusting her too. We can't carry a grudge forever." I nodded.

I realized for the first time then that I had a lot of life ahead of me too. It was time for me to start thinking about what I wanted to do in the future instead of dwelling on Kathy and the past. Kathy had fucked up her own life. True, the mistakes she made had been started by lies my mother told her, but she'd always had a choice. I had a choice now too. And my choice was to spend the rest of my life finding someone I could trust.

The end?

Epilogue

(I tried, I really did try, but fuck it, this, IS one of those internet stories after all.)

I stepped off the porch and headed for my car for the long drive home. Just as I got to the car, Pearl stepped out from my dad's living room with a box in her hands and asked me where she should put it. I was puzzled. "Okay this can go in the trunk," she said. The box wouldn't fit in my trunk so we had to empty all of the stuff out of it and put the items in the trunk separately. Pearl looked really good in her cutoff shorts and halter top. Her long blond hair was tied up in a ponytail.

"Am I dropping you off somewhere, Pearl?" I asked. She just smiled at me and went back inside the house. When she came back out she had her son in her arms. He was asleep. She strapped him into my backseat and laid him down with a blanket over him.

"Okay, we're ready," she said. "We can always come back for the rest of our stuff." She got into my front passenger seat and stretched her long sculptured legs out in front of her. My dad was giving either her or me the thumbs up sign from the porch. "I like your dad," she said waving at him. I noticed mom coming out onto the porch as I started the motor. She didn't wave.

"I'm sorry Honey, but I don't really like your mom, much. I think she's crazy," said Pearl. That was good enough for me.

"So what's going on here Pearl?" I asked.

"Growing up, I always had this dream of a nice house, a husband and three kids," she said. "I had the nice house but you messed that up. I had a husband, but he wasn't a very good husband, and you messed that up too. I'm also short two kids. You messed that up too." She looked at me and smiled. I got weak in the knees.

"You messed up Josh when you uhm...caught him with your wife. He's changed a lot since then. But he changed too much. With no testosterone in him he's so placid he doesn't even register any more. He has no sexual desire of any kind. We went from me hating him because he was constantly cheating on me to me hating him because he became totally anti sexual. He started his own religion and turned our home into his church. All kinds of people gather there who hate sex. I couldn't stay there and raise my son in that kind of environment. I don't want him to turn crazy. Plus, okay, Dammit Brian, I do have needs. I'm not a whore or anything, but I am a grown woman..."

"I've noticed," I said interrupting her. She blushed when she saw me looking down her top.

"Thank you for the compliment, but keep your eyes on the road," she said shyly. "Besides you'll get to see a lot more of that as soon as we get home. Anyway, you also took the chance of him giving me my other two kids from me and that's a dream I'm not ready to give up on. I just need to find the right guy and all of this will take care of itself." I gulped so loudly you could hear it over the motor.

"Your father said that he raised you to honor your debts," she said. "So I figure you owe me a house, a husband and two more kids. Either that or you'll have to fill in until I get them. So I'm moving in with you. If things work out with us, I'll be expecting us to get married and for you to get me pregnant at least twice."

She put her hand on top of mine on the gear shift lever. She looked deeply into my eyes and batted those huge eyes of hers. "Do you think you could handle that?" she asked. I nodded my head woodenly and thanked the Lord above that it wasn't reality and I was trapped in one of those internet stories where the average Joe can get rid of his cheating wife and end up with the hottest woman in town.

The real end.