0 comments/ 53741 views/ 12 favorites The Qualities of Intensity By: rha spike As one rather well known writer put it, "If you write biography you get to make things up. If you write fiction, you have to tell the truth." Well, this is fiction. The incidents and facts have been altered a bit to make a good story but the essential truth is, like that famous orange juice, "un-fooled around with." I had to grin in self-satisfaction one night, about a year ago, as my wife Alessandra and I watched Tom Ewell and Marilyn Monroe wind their way through THE SEVEN-YEAR ITCH. We had been married almost eight years and I had never even been tempted to roam. We had enjoyed a relatively quiet life after marriage. I had had a wildly irresponsible single life before I met Alex, as she prefers to be called, and she had hinted at some fairly interesting episodes in her early life as well. I never pressed her about them, knowing that she would tell me if and when she wanted me to know. About a month after watching that movie, some people who had been friends of Alex before we were married invited us to a house-warming party. A committee meeting to plan the tenth anniversary of Alex's college graduating class was to precede the meeting. Alex would attend both. I agreed to meet her there after the committee meeting but was kept in the office at the last minute to deal with a crisis. I called Alex's cell and told her that I would get there as quickly as I could. At nine o'clock, the meeting seemed bogged down with the client as obstinate as any I had dealt with. There were more than a hundred thousand dollars at stake and in this economy it simply could not be surrendered. When the client got up to go to the john I called Alex's cell again. She answered on the second ring. "Babe, I'm really tied up here. I doubt if I'll make it at all. Please give Robert and Lisa my regrets." "Oh, damn!" she replied, "I was hoping we could have a night out." "Sorry, Alex. Really! I'll see you at home, sweetheart. Have fun! I mean it." "Okay. Love you! Bye." And she was gone. But, as sometimes happens in these business stalemates, the client came back to the table all sweetness and light and accepted our terms without further demure. I was astonished but grateful. I thought that he must have used his time away from the negotiations to make a call to his boss and received orders to complete the deal; after all, we were offering a terrific rate. The paperwork was quickly completed, dotted lines signed, hands shaken, and the client departed for the airport. I called Alex back as soon as I cleared the office and got her voicemail. I left a message that I would meet her at the party around ten-thirty or so. I retrieved my car from the parking garage and made my way through light downtown traffic to the outskirts of town and ramped up to the Interstate that would take me to the small, exclusive suburban settlement where her friends had just built a house. On my way, I tried to remember all I could about the hosts, Robert and Lisa. One of them --- I couldn't remember which --- had been at college with Alex. They owned a pretty successful business and had become very affluent. I had mixed feelings about going; I didn't really know any of these people. But, like a good husband, I agreed for Alex's sake. I got to the party just after ten-thirty and saw that it was at its peak. The house was huge, three stories set into the woods at the back and about as private as you could want. Money can do that, I thought as I approached the front. The door was open so I walked in unannounced. Not knowing any of them I walked straight in and set about finding my wife. I bumped into Robert and shook his hand. "Is Alex still here?" I asked "I last saw her dancing," Robert smiled as he said it, "but I don't know which room she's in now. Why don't you get a drink and she'll show up pretty soon." The house still looked huge even with masses of people everywhere. The living room had a huge arch that led into the dining room. A den was off one side. The furniture had been cleared away to accommodate dancing and all rooms were packed as well as the hallways. The lighting was dimmed down and I couldn't see Alex anywhere so I headed to the bar for a drink. When I turned back to the crowd, bourbon in hand, I spotted my wife dancing with a guy among the gyrating couples. He looked familiar somehow but I couldn't place him. They danced and laughed and I decided not to disturb their good time. I've never been the jealous sort so I sipped bourbon and waited for her to finish before going over. I watched her dancing with some degree of pride. Her shoulder-length, wavy auburn hair and very clear blue eyes were stunning the first time you saw them. Tall and slender and healthy, her waist so narrow I could encircle it with my hands, two firm, high breasts big enough that her clothes couldn't successfully mask them caused a lot of guys to notice her and come on to her even when I was present. If I were the jealous type I would have been in for a long, worrisome life. That night, she was wearing a short emerald green dress with very thin shoulder straps. The skirt stopped four inches above her knees revealing smooth legs that swelled into round, voluptuous thighs. Her bottom is a little fuller than fashionable and was a constant worry to her; but it was delightfully, provocatively sexy and enhanced that evening by four-inch black heels. The dress was low-cut in front allowing a tantalizing glimpse into her cleavage. She was, I thought as I watched her dance, one of the hottest women in the room. Suddenly, the music changed to a sensuous hip-hop number. The guy dancing with my wife quickly took her in his arms and whirled her away again. Clifford! That was his name, Clifford. Alex had introduced me to him at a picnic a couple of years ago. He was one of her college boyfriends. This didn't really bother me. I trusted Alex. She had had multiple opportunities to accept the invitations of other men but had never, so far as I knew, accepted even one. She had often danced with other men and had lunch with old boyfriends before, but she was scrupulously careful to turn aside any advance that seemed too familiar. But as I watched her dance with Clifford, something clutched my stomach. I saw him put both hands on her waist and draw her close. I watched my wife throw her head back, laughing, as she placed her arms on his shoulders and stroked the back of his neck and head. Still, I pushed aside the flare of concern that rose in me. It was a party; they were old friends. I put it down to the sensuous music and had the bartender refill my drink. When I returned a few seconds later Clifford was behind Alex grinding his groin into her pert bottom. She bent forward slightly and pushed back encouraging him; my blood pressure rose again. Then my brain went blank as he cupped both her breasts and squeezed lightly. I fully expected my wife to move away or to at least remove his hands, but I was amazed to see her place her hands over his and smile at him over her shoulder. If you asked me before that night how I would react if I ever found myself in this situation, like most men I'd say I would put a stop to it --- violently if necessary. But I didn't. Alex obviously enjoyed what he was doing to her and I was seized by a desire to see how much she would allow. It was a unique opportunity to see how far my wife would go with another man and most men, I think, never get that chance. So I stood back in the shadows and observed. Alex loves having her tits stroked and squeezed, by me at least. They are, next to her gorgeous bottom, her most provocative feature. Most of the time she is extremely modest and dresses demurely but every so often when she's out for an evening she wears low-cut and revealing tops. I know she is secretly proud of her high, firm breasts and I know she revels in all the male attention they bring her. But she doesn't know that I know this and what I was seeing on the dance floor was several steps beyond anything I thought she would ever do. Clifford pulled my wife up straight and back against his chest, using his hands on her tits, till his face was buried in her hair --- just like I do when I fuck her from behind. She closed her eyes smiling as he started to kiss her neck --- just as I do when I fuck her from behind. He nuzzled my wife's neck and let his hands drift slowly down her body until they rested on the tops of her thighs --- just like I do when . . . The couples between us parted for a few seconds and I saw Clifford gently gather her dress up her legs. Just as the music ended, he slipped a hand under the hem of her dress and caressed her naked thigh. Another number started playing, Alex turned to him, smiling apologetically and pushed his hand away, not insistently, but as if she were afraid others would see. After only a few seconds of dancing, he stopped, stepped away from her and gestured for her to follow him outside. After a small hesitation on Alex's part she took his proffered hand with a naughty, knowing smile and they made their way outside to the patio, closing the French doors behind them. I waited a few moments before slipping out the front door and around the house. When I entered the back yard, I had to stand while my eyes adjusted to the full moon and dim, reflected light from the house. The patio was empty, but I could just discern two couples sitting near the swimming pool talking quietly and kissing. I ignored them and looked for Alex and Clifford. I caught sight of them at the edge of the woods, just disappearing into the trees on a small path between two bushes. I followed as quietly as possible and soon came to a small clearing about twenty yards or so into the woods. In the clearing stood a redwood trestle-type picnic table its glass-smooth surface sanded, coated, and polished to a high shine. My wife sat on the end of it her skirt rucked high on her legs. One leg dangled from the table's edge, the other was cocked up with her foot on the end of the bench. The smooth under curve of her thigh was sharply outlined against the gleam of the tabletop. Clifford stood between her legs; I could see his right hand slowly moving, caressing her bare thigh. She was not wearing stockings and he was touching her, feeling her warm bare flesh! Rage, like razor-sharp shards of glass shot through my brain and I gripped myself to keep from screaming at my faithless wife and her lover! But I held myself in check once more. I stepped off of the path into the trees and undergrowth and found a spot behind and slightly to the right of Clifford as he stood between Alex's legs. It afforded a clear view of them; a gap in the scrub oak through which I could easily see them and remain obscured in shadow. Alex was leaning forward, eyes closed, smiling as Clifford held her face in his hands and softly kissed her. Alex had her arms behind her, hands flat on the table for support. Her position had the effect of thrusting her breasts out slightly. As Clifford continued kissing her face and neck, he slipped his fingers under the straps of her dress and slowly slid them off her shoulders and down her arms. My wife uttered a little sound of pleasure as she sat up, bending her elbows, allowing him to pull the straps down and off her arms. He pulled her dress down over the tips of her breasts. She was not wearing a bra. She leaned back on the table again smiling with satisfaction as she enjoyed Clifford's reaction to her amazing bobbing, gleaming mounds. He sighed loudly as he cupped them in his hands and leaned in to kiss my wife again. Alex wrapped her arms around his neck, her breasts flattened against his shirt. I knew how the heat of them would penetrate the fabric and warm his chest. Even as I thought it Alex quickly unbuttoned Clifford's shirt, spread it open, down his arms and off. He had shoulders as broad as an axe handle and rippling muscle told of many workout sessions. She nestled her bare breasts against his thick chest with eager, wanton movements. They kissed passionately. There could be no doubt; she was returning the kiss with interest! He soon broke the kiss and his lips drifted back to her neck, her shoulders, down to the hollow of her throat, then onto the top of her chest, continuing with soft seductive kisses. I can't explain my reaction. I was not aroused as so many men claim to be by scenes of their wives with other men. I felt cold all over, nearly shivering as I stood there calmly observing a stranger enjoying the ripe, full globes of my wife's breasts. The only sign of my true emotion was the heavy, knotted mass that was once my stomach. I watched as Clifford palmed one firm mound and spread his fingers around it; he kissed and sucked on the other one and teased the nipple with his tongue. He reached up under her skirt and pulled at her panties. He continued to suck on her tits as he put both of his hands up her dress and began to draw the panties off of her hips. Alex raised her bottom from the table a little to assist him and he pulled slowly, stroking her long, full thighs as he eased the flimsy, lacy, black garment away and dropped it on the grass. He slipped her high heels off and let them fall. Her bare legs shone white and inviting in the moonlight. My gut knotted another hard notch. After another deep, tonguing kiss he pushed her back onto the table. She rested on her elbows to watch what he was doing. Her face beamed with a delighted smile. She watched, breathing heavily, the slow, seductive manner in which he moved inexorably closer to what he had lured her out here for, to what his entire being was focused on at this moment. She knew, without any question, what that was, where he was taking her, and she --- my wife --- was willingly participating. With her panties gone Clifford pushed the dress up to her waist revealing her bottom and her neatly trimmed nest. I knew with certainty then that I was going to see a relative stranger fuck my wife and a cold flush washed through my veins; my stomach knotted several notches tighter. My cool brain flashed on how tight Alex still was when I fucked her. I wondered if he would notice and appreciate it. He unbuckled, unzipped and let his trousers and shorts fall to the ground. I saw his cock, already hard, bob up and point at Alex. She gazed at it and I could see her breathing quicken. It was long and thick and very, very hard --- bigger, yes and thicker, yes than mine! Humiliation poured through my veins and my scalp prickled. Without waiting any longer he began rubbing the head of that monstrous tool up and down between her labia. Alex collapsed flat onto the table and started sighing and moving her hips slowly as she cupped her breasts and twisted her nipples. From my concealment I watched him penetrate her. It was masterful! He moved his hips back and forth slowly with short thrusts, working his way into her, not hurrying but allowing her to adjust to him until he could seat himself solidly inside her. From Alex's reaction and movements I could tell that she was enjoying and cooperating with the slow, demanding, adulterous fucking she was getting. Finally, he pulled back till only the head remained inside her and then pushed slowly but powerfully into her. Just as he began this final deep penetration, she reached down and grasped her legs behind the knees and spread her thighs wide for him. His groin joined with her luscious body and she moaned such a long, low moan of utter pleasure as I had never heard from her before. He began thrusting rhythmically, going to that same deep place inside her but kept a slow tempo. I knew from experience that Alex was moistening more with every thrust of his insistent cock and making the passage slippery and easy for him to traverse. She arched her back with every forward thrust of his hips, giving herself to him with no reservation whatever. Her soft cries drifted to me behind the bush and for a moment I felt the hot need to fly to her aid and do battle with her ravisher. But I knew in the same instant that she would not thank me for that! He gripped her ankles and spread her legs wide, then let her knees drape over his shoulders. He wrapped his hands around her thighs and pulled her to him plowing into her hot, greedy cunt with energy and determination. I could hear the slick, wet sounds of his groin slapping against her bottom and thighs. His cock fucked, fucked, fucked her cunt in absolute command of it --- the cunt I had fucked innumerable times, that I had licked and sucked until my tall, sexy wife had wrapped her long legs around me and had come and come and cried aloud for more. A cold, sick sensation washed over the knot in my stomach and I thought for a moment that I would vomit. I controlled it and forced my concentration back to the torturous contemplation of my wife's betrayal. Alex uttered little high-pitched cries of pleasure every time his groin met her bottom. She shuddered with her first orgasm faster than she ever had in our history together. Her lover fucked her harder and deeper with every thrust, his rhythm steady. Would he never stop, never tire? It went on for long minutes. Alex's tits flew up and down with his tireless thrusts. She moaned loudly and panted for breath and I knew her body was contracting in pleasure, in preparation for the coming waves of earthquake proportions. Clifford continued his dominating pace as he used her body mercilessly and she came again within seconds of her first orgasm. Then, with her legs still on his shoulders he clutched her thighs tighter and pulled her bottom off the table. He reached under to grasp and support her buttocks and I could easily imagine how his fingers sank deep into her tender white cheeks. I must remember to look for bruises. Once he lifted her pelvis into position, he began to fuck her harder than ever. After a few minutes, I heard him gasp, "Oh, Alex! My sweet! I love fucking you!" She wailed and clutched the edges of the table as the onslaught on her body mounted toward climax. "Please, Clifford! Please! Don't stop! Please don't ever stop!" He gasped and rasped out, "I'm going to come! I'm going to come inside you, Alex!" "Yes!" she replied, "Oh, God! Yes! Please! Now!' They bucked wildly against each other as she reached the ground-shaking orgasm toward which she had been racing for those long, unbelievable minutes. They clutched each other and quaked as he groaned and strained, as he came and came, pumping my wife full of his come! After his climax subsided, Clifford eased Alex's hips back onto the table. He pulled her into an embrace and I saw her arms go around him, wrapping his head in her arms and holding him tight against her naked breasts. They kissed, a long, lingering kiss that seemed to arouse Alex all over again. Her lips and tongue slid over his face and neck, leaving a trail of wet kisses in their wake. "Thank you! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!" she sobbed. He murmured something in her ear and they released each other. Alex fell back against the table, her arms flopping to the sides like a rag doll's. Clifford rubbed the backs of his knuckles over her still distended nipples and spoke quietly to her. She smiled in the moonlight and caressed his hands as they moved over her breasts. It was then that I noticed his hips still moving. He was still fucking her! After two or three minutes, she shuddered through a final, light but obviously very satisfying orgasm, enough to set her tits and thighs trembling anew. Soon, his cock fell out of Alex's ravaged cunt; he kissed her again, pulled up his trousers, zipped and buckled. Alex lay there panting, her naked tits still trembling from the powerful experience that had wracked her body moments before. I could clearly see her nipples, swollen and stiff with passion, and the gleaming essence of their lovemaking on her naked thighs. The Qualities of Intensity Clifford sat on the table's bench next to Alex. She sat up, still sobbing a little with relief. She sat on one hip and lay her head on his shoulder. They sat in silence for a while, caressing each other lightly and kissing once or twice. Then she quickly began getting dressed as Clifford watched her sleek body and swaying tits appreciatively. I drifted silently away from my observation post toward the house. His had been a masterful performance. I was aware somewhere in my brain that I had witnessed something extraordinary, something that I had never equaled and probably never would. A shadow of despair passed over me. Never had Alex come three times with me, rarely twice. The image of his rampant cock, the cock every man is terrified his wife will someday encounter, burned in my brain. At the same time, I could not deny a splinter of admiration for him, a splinter that lodged in my heart and began to fester. But it was not love, I told myself as I crossed the yard, it was just . . . just fucking! . . . Wasn't it? The whole episode must have lasted no more than twenty minutes and I was glad I didn't bump into anyone as I made my way around the house and into my car. Driving home the calm never left me; my movements were measured and precise with no hint of a tremor, no sign of the rage that burned inside. The cold that clutched my mind and body as I stood behind the trees and watched the sickening, lascivious scene still controlled me and the nauseous knot in my stomach was a jagged lump of ice. But now, after it was over, I was aroused! I desperately wanted Alex! I wanted to fuck her, to pin her to the mattress and plunge my raging cock into her over and over again and fuck her till I fell from exhaustion. I wanted to listen to her cries and wails as I bruised her, abused her, poured my rage into her unfaithful cunt! I didn't get to. She came home about an hour after I had got into bed. I feigned sleep. I heard her car stop in the driveway, the front door, the soft pad of her bare feet on the carpeted stairs. She entered our room quietly and rummaged in the closet for a few seconds; then I heard the flush of the toilet, the water running in the bathroom sink. The bathroom light clicked off and she crept carefully into bed. She huddled on the far side from me and fell straight to sleep. I wanted to turn over to her, wrap her in my arms and reclaim her as my own. But I didn't. I knew that she had probably put on her full-length nightgown, the one that buttoned to her neck and was always a signal not to touch her. I lay still in my frigid despair until darkness and sleep overcame me. I arose the next morning later than usual and, without waking Alex, went downstairs and made coffee. It was raining, a soft June rain that beaded the flowers and washed the grass to a brighter green. I opened a tube of frozen cinnamon rolls and baked them. An hour later, Alex descended, her long dressing gown thrown over her long nightgown and belted tight. "Good morning," she offered, her eyes cast down. I returned her greeting as cheerfully as possible but both of us were unnaturally subdued, our voices tight and unnatural. "The coffee and rolls smell good," she ventured. "Have some," I said unnecessarily. The awkwardness was palpable. Never in our history had we been so uncomfortable with each other. I saw her hand tremble slightly as she poured coffee and buttered a roll. I put her discomfort down to feelings of guilt. I wondered what she thought mine was engendered by. She drank her coffee but only nibbled at the roll. She sat looking out the large breakfast nook window across the wet back yard and the flowers bobbing in the light breeze. Her face seemed sagged, older than her thirty-six years. Finally, she turned her sad eyes to me. "You know, don't you?" It wasn't really a question. I waited a long, wretched moment, then said, "Yes," knowing that with that admission I was bringing everything dangerously into the open. I asked, "How did you know . . . that I know?" "I saw Robert as I was leaving," she said, "He said you had been there, looking for me. I searched for you; most of the people had gone by then so it was easy to see that you weren't there anymore. That's when I thought to check my messages and found your last . . . that you would be there after all." I didn't know what to say, how to respond. Alex continued in a tight, forced voice, "How long . . . what exactly did you see?" Her trembling was more noticeable now, her shoulders vibrating, her hands clutched together in her lap. "I watched you dancing with . . . Clifford? Is that right?" "Yes." I drew a deep breath and took the plunge. "When you left through the French doors, I went out the front and around the house. I followed the path to the clearing and the picnic table. I left just as you were . . . getting your clothes together." It felt like a confession and I felt slightly seedy, as if I had been the one who betrayed her. "You watched us then? You saw everything?" "I guess. I left when he seemed to be . . . finished with you. He was sitting on the bench and you were . . . pulling on your panties." I was aware that my choice of expression cut her a little, made the whole episode seem tawdry and I took some bitter satisfaction in it. "If there was any more," I added, "I didn't see it." "Yes, there was more. And I'm going to tell you because I want you to know everything . . . you have to if we have any chance of getting through this. Besides, I can't stand the thought of you finding out later and thinking that I hid some part of it from you." I waited. She looked out at the garden again and seemed to be gathering courage. Then, with a shuddering sigh, she turned back to me her eyes cast down. "The . . . experience was intense . . . very intense. I had been drinking --- more than usual, I'll admit --- but not enough that I didn't know what I was doing. I did --- and I freely confess that I cooperated with him, allowed all that you saw . . . and more. After I had allowed it to go as far as it did while we were dancing, I couldn't just . . . tell him . . . I couldn't just cut it off. But I was not prepared for the intensity of what happened." "Yes," I interrupted, "It seemed as if you were not just . . . fucking. You seemed to be making love . . . very sincere love." Again, I felt a small thrill of satisfaction at pushing her deeper into her shame. Alex shuddered and cast her eyes out the window again, then down at the table. "Yes, it must have seemed that way, especially if you watched it through to the finish." She lifted her head again. "And it was love. Not my love for him or his for me but something . . . different, a love of being alive and happy and young and full of . . . passion . . . an exuberance . . . a, a love of life. That sounds so . . . so frivolous in the cold light of Saturday morning but in the warm atmosphere of Friday night, the drinks, the memories --- I felt --- well --- it serves as a very good description of what I felt. It was like spitting in the eye of death and saying, 'Not yet! Not yet!' I don't think what I felt had anything to do with Clifford, not much anyway." She fell silent and I let it last for a few minutes before saying, "You said there was more." "Yes." She gathered herself, straightened in her chair and looked me in the eye for the first time that morning. "What I felt toward Clifford was gratitude. Gratitude for taking me to such . . . what? Heights, I guess. I was thankful for the raw passion and intensity of it all. I know I keep repeating that word, 'intensity,' but that's all I can think of to describe it. After we dressed he helped me down from the table. Had you left by then?" "Yes." "Well, I was overwhelmed by what he and I had done together. And he had showed me the way; he had taken me there. When the part you saw was over, my whole being was bursting with joy and . . . and gratitude. He placed my hand on his trouser front to show me that he was getting hard again. So I . . . Oh! This is hard!" She gathered herself once more and went on in a rush. "I went down on my knees and unzipped him and took him in my mouth and I sucked him off!" I was quiet, struggling for control. She rarely used language that plain and it jolted me a little. I managed to ask in a dead quiet voice, "So, do I know everything now?" She seemed to sink into her chair. "Not exactly. He wants to see me again. I know you wouldn't like that and I'm quite willing to not see him again, but . . ." "But what?" "In my --- enthrallment or whatever you want to call it --- I told him I'd think about it. I gave him my cell number and said to call me." "Then you want to see him again." "Oh, God! I can't deny it. Yes, I do." "So that's it? That's all there is? If not, get it out now." She sat gripping her hands together, eyes wide and staring down at nothing. She was holding her breath and I could see her struggle maintain control was as fierce as mine. "Yes," she whispered hoarsely, "Now . . . now you know everything." I waited till her breathing seemed to regulate and she glanced nervously in my direction. "You're willing not to see him again?" I asked. "Yes. I won't if you don't want me to. But I'm emotionally exhausted now and I don't want to talk about it any more for a while. Is that all right with you?" "Yes." She rose and started to leave, gray and shaken. My gut was knotted worse than the night before; I had never felt so tightly contracted. I feared that my joints would not work if I tried to stand. My mind boiled with rage and the need to make her suffer for what she had done. My next words put an end to our marriage. "Oh, by the way . . ." I said. I tried to sound as casual as possible. "Yes," she said, turning back to me. "While you were on your knees before him, did you fondle his balls and let him come in your mouth?" I asked quietly and coldly. "I ask merely for information; you've never done anything like that for me." Her face came up sharply, drained of color, her eyes pained and tearing up. The breath left her body as if I had punched her in the stomach. In the next second her face hardened into a mask of outrage. "Yes!" she hissed through clenched teeth. "And I swallowed it, every drop, and licked his cock and his balls till he was soft! And God damn you for asking that!" She rushed from the kitchen and up the stairs. I exulted! I had prevailed. A high feeling of justification made my scalp prickle as it had last night for a different reason. I could feel the smile on my face, cruel and self-righteous. A few minutes later I caught sight of her as she hurried down dressed in jeans and an old plaid shirt. She slammed the front door and I heard her car start and pull out of the driveway. I was alone in the silent house on a gray Saturday morning. I never saw her again. I packed, still full of self-righteous resentment, and moved to a hotel near my office. Our divorce was easy and uncontested and handled completely by lawyers. You can do that if there are no kids and neither of you wants a fight. Well, that's how it goes, folks. You think you have a marriage, then a few hours later, a few ounces of alcohol, some raunchy dancing and --- you don't anymore. Now that my resentment has passed and the lava-hot anger that my ice-cold demeanor masked has subsided, I remember what she said that fateful morning. "Yes, there was more. And I'm going to tell you because I want you to know everything . . . you have to if we have any chance of getting through this." And so I rationalize. She had made a good-faith effort to right the boat, I tell myself from time to time. I tipped it and swamped us. What she had experienced that night was no more than what men experience all the time, the wild, tumultuous joy of raw, passionate sexual expression without regard to whom we are with or what lies ahead. But she was a woman and had the soft, emotions of her sex. The overwhelming experience caused her to fuse it with love, any love, any acceptable version of love and that was what she tried to tell me. The gratitude she showed to Clifford, what she did for him before they left the clearing, was obligatory for her, a pouring out of her gladness from a full heart. It was nothing to do with love for him, nor did it have anything to do with me; I was just wrenched that the woman I considered "mine" had found such bliss with another man. But I had never done that to her . . . and she wanted to see him again! That's what really tore it. I still can't banish the feeling that that brings. The feeling of being a pathetic loser. I think occasionally of trying to get in touch with her again through friends or her lawyer but I never act on it in spite of my rationalizations. At times I long for her; the rest of the time --- most of the time --- I tell myself, "Good riddance!"