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The Glimpse! Ch. 01

By: Macpappy



I wasn't exactly sure what genre to put this in. I could fit in Novels, Loving Wives, Erotic Coupling, as it has all of those characteristics. THIS IS A LONG STORY! This is not a quick stroke story, so look elsewhere if that is your Primary Objective, please. If you want to be entertained, hopefully this will do the trick.

There are a few authors I want to thank for the inspiration their stories gave me. DG Hear, vastiesmith, ManyFeathers, Longhorn, Wanderer, ohio...you guys are the best. And I would love to hear any constructive feedback you or anyone else can give me.

Also, be aware that while I tried to base these happenings on realistic events, some of it is not what may happen in real life. I wanted to explore the complete breakdown of a persons' life (his dreams, happiness, his spirit, and his heart) as he goes through changes. And yes! I acknowledge what the character does in the story is certainly not what every man would do, and I hope that some of the critics that may read this can acknowledge that what they would do is not what every man in the world would do. Were all different, and thankfully so! 

This story is completely from imagination. I hope you enjoy it and look forward to the comments it may receive.

Macpappy

Prologue

Eight years has come and gone and until just recently things have been much better than I could ever deserve. They say God works in mysterious ways. I can't speak for everyone but you sure are a mystery to me. For example, why is it that gorgeous women always seem to be attracted to a bad boy and not want anything, romantically speaking, with good honest men? Why does a drunken person survive an auto accident unscratched while the victim often ends up in the hospital or in the morgue? How does an average schmuck like me end up marrying a mortal goddess? I know that I can't explain it. 

For the last 7 years I have been married to this goddess, Lisa. We met when I was home on leave from the Navy stationed overseas. My name is Joe Fallow. I am not Don Juan or Rico Suave' by any stretch of the imagination. I am 5' 11" and 190 pounds with the few extra pounds going to the midsection ensuring that the six-pack abs I once had is long gone. I'm not chubby, just not in the best shape I was once in. I have short brown hair, blue eyes with a mustache and goatee. Everything about me screams "Don't give me a second look" which is precisely what Lisa did 8 years ago. When Lisa and I met I was in the middle of my obligation to the Navy. I was an F/A-18 Hornet pilot and for the Aviation Officers Candidate School and flight schools I had to obligate six years. I wanted to fly as often as possible so I chose to be in a forward-deployed area for the opportunity. 

While on leave I met Lisa while at a nightclub one town over from my hometown in Northwest Florida. I was there with a buddy from Florida State, named Mark. He was meeting his new girlfriend Pam there and she was bringing some of her girlfriends there. Lisa was one of them but Pam had ideas to set up their friend Sherry with me. They were all attending UWF and were a really tight-knit group. They were all nice looking women but there was something about Lisa. Stunning would be an understatement. Her long blonde hair showed a faded perm and flowed beautifully past her shoulders. Her bronze tanned skin enveloped her petite curvy frame. A couple of inches shorter than I am. Her eyes, also blue, lit up a room as she walked in. Just enough make-up to accent her features although she hardly ever wore any. She had such a natural beauty and aura about her. But what I noticed most of all that night was that she noticed me! There were definitely sparks that night but, mutually, it wasn't between me and Sherry. It was with Lisa.

Lisa and I hit it off very well that night and spent the rest of my leave together whenever she wasn't in class or sleeping. Mark, Pam, Lisa and I spent a lot of time together just hanging out and Marks house. As my leave was coming to an end I had a long talk with Lisa and agreed to write and call each other to see where things go. I really liked Lisa a lot and wished she could go with me back to Japan but she was finishing up her degree in Business Administration. 

Our last night together was a sad one as Lisa cried most of the night. Up to this point we haven't had sex. I never pushed the issue. I wanted us to get to know each other. To respect each other and not have sex cloud our true feeling like it often does. Truth be told, her intelligence and her beauty stimulated me. Don't get me wrong, she gave me an incredible hard-on by just a smile and her warm, inviting arms as we held each other. And being single overseas gave me a lot of experience and confidence that I knew I could pleasure her beyond her wildest dreams. I just felt that if she wanted it she would let me know in her own way.

She sobbed into my neck as we held each other in her apartment, on her couch.

"SShhhh! It's OK sweetheart! I promise I will be back."

"I am going to miss you so much Joe. I don't want you to go. Can't you stay a little longer?"

"I wish like hell I could Lisa, I really do." I said, gently rubbing her back.

She looked up and into my eyes. "Promise me you will come back to me, Joe. Give me something to look forward to, please!"

"I can promise you that, Lisa. But 10 months is a long time and I don't expect you to try to keep yourself for me. You have a life to live too and you deserve to be happy, even if it's not with..."

She placed her fingers over my lips. "I don't have a choice anymore, don't you see that? I love you Joe! I'm happy with you; I don't want anyone else. I have to wait 10 months now." Her voice cracked as the tears streamed down her face. "Can you wait that long for me?"

"Lisa, I have never met anyone like you. No one has ever captured my heart like you did. I don't have a choice now either. I want you, Lisa. I love you. I promise you I will come back to you. I would love for us to pick up where we leave off."  She wiped her eyes and stood up. Taking my hand she pulls me off the couch and leads me to her bedroom and closed the door. She looked deep in my eyes with a serious, sensual look and started removing my shirt. I just stare back. Lisa ran her hands over my chest and rubbed my nipples. I reached over and removed her sweater while she stares into my eyes.

"Take me and make love to me Joe. I need you inside me."

I took her face in my hands and pulled her lips to mine. We embraced each other and then removed the rest of our clothes and lie on her bed. We needed each other. I climbed on top of her and held each other tightly and made love. 

After our final climax we were lying on our side facing each other. "I love you, do you know that?"

I stroked her hair. "Yes, I know, honey, I love you too. I swear I will be back for you."

"I know you will, I could feel you tonight. I know you love me and I'm going to miss you terribly."

"Lisa, these last 2 weeks have been wonderful. I'm so glad you walked into my life and turned it upside down. Now I know my purpose."

"And what's your purpose?"

"Being the best husband to you that I can be and best Dad I can be when its time."

"Is that your way of asking me to marry you?" She asked teasingly.

"No, just giving you a warning of the consequences of loving me and waiting for me." I smirked

She kissed me passionately. "Then hurry home and punish me for loving you." Lisa said with a smile.

As I was leaving, she walked me outside to my car and kissed me. I removed my cruise jacket full of cruise and squadron patches and put it over her shoulders. "Hang on to this for me."

Tears came to her eyes again and she hugged him. "Call me when you get there. OK?"

"Absolutely". I closed my eyes to fight back the tears. "I love you Lisa!"

She kissed me again. "I love you too, sailor. Hurry back to me."

With that I left and started getting ready to fly back to Japan the next morning. As I was packing I remember feeling happy and smiling. Not because I was leaving her or because I just got laid, but because of the way she made me feel. I never felt this way before, kind of uncharted territory for me. I was starting to believe she was the one. I guess only time will tell. 

The following morning Mark picked me up and drove me to the small regional airport in our area. We exchanged good-byes and he assured that he would keep Lisa out of trouble for me, which shouldn't be too hard seeing how Pam is Lisa's roommate in the apartment. I thanked him and he left for work. I had a good hour before we started boarding. I went to my gate and sat down, thinking about Lisa. A huge smile crossed my face. I was really hoping to return to find her waiting faithfully for me, but if she happened to move on I would understand. She's graduating soon and will begin her career. Plus she is still very young and has a right to be happy, whatever that meant for her. I would like to think that I would still be grateful to her for what she exposed my heart to, even if it is painful. At least I would know what love could feel like. I was starting to not believe in it.  I just wished I could see her one more time but she had a class this morning.

"Joe!" She shouted running down the concourse. I was in shock. I stood and started toward her.

"Lisa! What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in class?" We then rushed into each other's arms.

"I skipped! There is no way I was not going to see you today." She said, her face on my neck.

"Lisa, I'm so glad you came."

"Listen, Joe. I have something I need to say to you so please hear me out, OK?" She backed up just enough to look me in the eye, getting my attention.

"Ok."

"After you left last night I cried my eyes out for a little while. I thought about what we said to each other and I wanted to be clear...to be sure that what I said to you was what I really feel. I mean, everything happened so fast that I wanted to make sure, in my own mind, that I expressed to you my true feelings, not just an emotional outburst. You know? That wouldn't be fair to either of us. So, I had to figure this out. I took out some paper and a pencil and broke down everything just like I would in class. Future plans, feelings, your qualities, all of that stuff. I know that it sounds corny, but it works for me. Remind me to show you how I put it together some day. You might get a kick out of it."

I just smiled; picturing her doing this like it was financial planning. It was cute.

"Anyway, I won't go into all of the details right now but I will give you the summary. Bottom line is, I, unquestionably, love you! All of the soul searching gave me a glimpse of how deep I feel for you. Yes, 10 months is a long time but I know that we are worth the wait. I truly believe that. So, what it boils down to is this" She took my hands and held them to her chest. "I'm here to tell you that I am giving you my love and devotion, completely, and that I will be here when you return."

"Lisa. Baby. Since I have met you, you have shown me feelings I never knew before and I finally know what love feels like. I love it! I love you! I am normally a guy that works on instinct and it has worked well for me. My instincts are telling me that you are the one. I have been called crazy many times but never stupid. Unless you say differently, I'm not gonna give you up! I love the way you love me. I love the way you feel. And I love that I have you in my life and once we get past this absence you are going to love the man that you bring out of me."

I kissed her, sort of a consummation of my love. 

"Baby, I came here really hoping that you would feel that way. Thank you!"

"Lisa, I want you to know that I will call and write whenever I can, maybe even send a few tapes for when it is so much easier to talk then to write."

"Oh, that would be wonderful! I need to get a tape recorder myself, then. Plus I will write every day. We will get through this time, no sweat." She smiled.

"One thing I have to warn you of. On the ship and overseas the mail doesn't come everyday like it does here. I could write everyday and send them immediately but it's not unheard of that you may not get a letter from me for up to ten days then all of a sudden you will get 8 letters on the same day. So please don't get disheartened if you don't hear from me for a week."

"It will be tough, but I understand. Oh! I almost forgot. I got you something. It isn't much, but..."

She reached into the inside pocket of my flight jacket she was wearing and pulled out a red rose with a 5" stem and handed it to me. 

"Oh Lisa, thank you, you didn't have to do that honey. I have you right here." I placed my hand on my heart.

"I know, I just wanted to give you something. By the way, some pictures would be nice." She playfully slapped my arm.

"Yes they would, wouldn't it? I don't have any of you either. We need to work on that. When I get back over there I will see what I have. But I want some of you too!"

"They will be in my first letter, I promise. I love you, Joe!"

"I love you!"

I boarded the plane and made my way back to Japan. I was on cloud nine and kept thinking of ways I could keep her happy, what I could send her, little things I could do to help her get through this. I couldn't wait to tell my roommates "Chipper", "Stone" and "Moon" about Lisa. They all have girlfriends, or shall I say fiancé's back in the States and have been saying that I don't know what I'm missing. Having that one special person. A soul mate! I know they will be happy for me. Maybe we can all figure out ways to surprise our ladies occasionally.

When I arrived I dropped my bags off in the room and called my parents and Lisa to let them know I arrived safely. Then I broke the news to my buddies. We sat and figured out a few things we could do that was different from the norm. For example, we decided we would do a video tape that was personalized to our girlfriends and included us wacky bastards acting and dancing like the Four Tops singing 'I Can't Help Myself (Sugar-Pie, Honey Bun)', maybe some clips of our flight operations and a tour of the ship, stuff like that. The tape was a big hit with the ladies as evidenced by their response on audiotape. I especially enjoyed the more private photos of Lisa dressing/posing provocatively. Man, she looks dynamite! I am a lucky man.

The 10 months went by pretty quick for me and I now had orders for instructor duty at the training squadron in Jacksonville, Florida. When I got off the plane there was a warm reception at the terminal. My Parents, Lisa, Mark and Pam, Sherry, and some other friends of mine were there with a large banner and huge smiles. It was overwhelming.

Afterwards, we went to dinner at Outback Steakhouse and had a great time catching up. Mark just got promoted with his company and was now supervising county maintenance crews. All of the girls graduated UWF and had jobs they seemed to like. Luckily, mom and dad had understood that I wanted to be alone with Lisa and we said goodnight after dinner. I rode with Lisa to her apartment. Pam had moved in with Mark as they were now engaged. 

When we got there, we held each other and let me tell you, I didn't ever want to let her go. I had to have her. 

"It feels so good to be home. That reception was awesome. I'm so glad you were there."

"I would have died before I missed that. It's so good to have you home. The wait is finally over." She excitedly exclaimed.

"Yes it is! Has anything changed with you? I mean..." I started to ask but Lisa interrupted.

"No! Nothing at all."

"Joe, I will keep you happy and feeling loved. Just wait and see!"

I took her hand and lead her to the bedroom to find that she had candles already lit. It looked and smelled romantic. I turned to look at her and she smiled.

"I missed you honey! I want to give you the best night you ever had. I want you to make love to me and do anything you want with me. I am all yours tonight, baby!"

I was awestruck watching her undress slowly.

"Do you like what you see? I have fantasized about this night for a long time, lover, and I am going to do my absolute best to rock your world."

"Lisa you are so beautiful! I love what I see and what you are doing. But we need to take our time tonight. I haven't done this in a while and need to take it slow."

"I've taken the next few days off so we have as much time as we need. Just relax and let me love you the way I have been longing to."

She finished removing her clothes and I loved the sight before my eyes. She still has the face of an angel! Beautiful, supple breasts, enlarged nipples that were ever hardening, toned smooth stomach, the heart-shape fur above her glistening pussy, muscular thighs. Perfection! She walked to me and started slowly removing my clothes. When she removed an article she made sure to kiss and lick all over the newly exposed skin. She was driving me wild.

She patted the edge of the bed indicating where she wanted me to sit. When I sat down on the bed she went to her knees between my legs and ran her smooth hands back and forth across my thighs before circling her fingers around my pulsing cock. She stroked me slowly and began orally bathing my balls. I leaned back with my arms behind me for support and watched this goddess bring me pleasure. After the thorough bathing, she licked up the bottom of my shaft and rapidly flicked her tongue under the head causing me to shut my eyes and moan immensely. I loved her hot breath on my slick shaft. Then she slowly took all of me in her mouth and gently sucked and rubbed her tongue against me as bobbed slowly but increasing her pace.

I didn't last too long and soon erupted what seemed like an infinite supply of cum in her mouth. I could feel her swallowing it and it took me by surprise. Unfortunately, for the time being, my cock went flaccid and I needed a little while to recover. So, I pulled her up on top of me and kissed her passionately. After a few minutes of that, I rolled her over to her back and started kissing and sucking all over her body. I started at her neck and slowly worked down. I paid special attention to her nipples for I knew it was like a pipeline to her engorged clit. Then I nibbled my way to her belly button; inserting my tongue to tease her. Afterwards I gave her pussy the attention it craved, running my tongue up and down her wet slit. I moved up and took her clit in my lips and sucked it in. I noticed her reaction when I licked up and down on her clit with some pressure and I watched her stomach contracting violently and heard her muffled screams through the pillow she had over her face. 

I hadn't realized how long I have been down there until I peered at the bedside clock. I had been working her pussy for over an hour and she was sweating from the ecstasy her multiple orgasms produced. Now I not only had a throbbing bone, but it was dripping. 

I moved up and stood on my spread knees, brought her legs straight up to my chest and easily slid inside her. I made a concentrated effort to keep it slow and smooth just enjoying her warmth. I wanted to last as long as possible for her.

She draped her legs over my arms as I bent down to kiss her. This allowed me more pressure on her clit and her hips were gyrating with mine. I increased the pace of my thrusts and brought her to a huge climax.

"Oh yes, Joe! God, you are wonderful! Make love to me with that gorgeous dick."

I turned her over onto her stomach and entered her from behind but I wasn't going as deep as I wanted and she had me lay down on my back and she straddled my hard member. She rode it to several orgasms and finally sent me on my second. She ground her pussy down as hard as she could and her cunt milked another large quantity of seed spraying on her cervix. She then bent down and kissed me.


The Glimpse! Ch. 02



Fallow vs. Fallow

I eventually took residence in St. Louis and got a job as a test pilot for a military aircraft manufacturer. I let my employer know what was going on with my soon-to-be ex-wife and that I needed a week off. He understood and gave me all the time I needed.

Once I was settled I drove back to Jacksonville to arrange the divorce process. It has been a month since I left and I have to say that things started looking positive in a different way. I was still distraught over Lisa, but I was learning to get on with life. Simplicity. Get up, remember to breathe in and out, and do my job. I know it is a sad existence, but it is better than the last month with Lisa.

I hired a well-known lawyer and discussed with him what my wishes are. He informed me that this would take about 5 months to be final so I have to be patient. 

"Is there a way to get through this and not have to see her?" I asked.

"Normally no, but since you are making such an overly generous offer I think it might be possible. You would have to do a limited Power of Attorney to take care of the estate and documentation."

We worked up the paperwork and the restrictions were that he didn't sign anything without my personal consent. I also prepared a notarized VHS tape to express my wishes at the meetings.

5 days later we had our first proceeding in this long nightmare. It was scheduled for 10:00 am and I had finished up some paperwork with the lawyer at 8:30 and was heading home. When the time came, they were all there and the meeting started with a statement by my attorney Patrick. 

"Ladies and gentlemen. Good morning. There has been an unusual development that you will find great interest in. In the folders in front of you, you will notice changes and other documents. First, Mr. Joseph A. Fallow has given me limited power of attorney to act in his behalf. He made it clear that is how he wanted it. He just started a new career and his presence is required there..." Lisa looked down and started crying.

"...To be brief, the proposal is this. He has decided to leave all assets to Mrs. Lisa E. Fallow, to include the house and all personal property contained on the physical property, all financial assets to include the joint accounts, credit cards, bonds and trust funds left by his grandfather kept in the safe deposit box. He is forfeiting both vehicles, the Toyota Camry and the Jeep Grand Cherokee, which is parked in the lot outside. Mrs. Fallow, if necessary, we are willing to drive the vehicle to your address for you to take possession. In short, Mr. Fallow agrees to leave this union with absolutely nothing in exchange for an expeditious Irreconcilable Differences Divorce. Gentlemen, it doesn't get easier than this. I also states that if you contest this offer then he will fight in court and all facts that haven't become public record most certainly will."

"Mr. Strickland. I am sorry, but this doesn't sound like Joe. I can't agree to this unless I hear it from him." Lisa claimed as she wiped her eyes.

"We thought you may feel this way and have prepared this presentation for you." Patrick pushed play on the remote. I made the following quick statement.

"For the record, my name is Joseph Allen Fallow. It is August 29, 2002 and it is 8:53 am at the Strickland Law Firm in Jacksonville, FL. Present before me are my attorney Patrick Strickland and a notary public. I have given Limited Power of Attorney to Mr. Strickland to sign documents in my behalf. He knows my wishes but I will summarize them briefly.

I, at sound mind and body, leave absolutely everything to Lisa Fallow. All funds, trusts, bond, accounts, property, the house and all belongings therein, both vehicles. I ask for nothing in exchange for a quick termination of the marriage. I am aware that it is unusual for both parties are not there but I wanted you to hear the reasons straight from me. 

First, I am needed at my job. I have no intention of telling you where that is because of the most important reason I am not present, which is simple. I can't stand the thought of even being in the same room as Lisa Fallow and quite frankly never want to see that woman again. I ask only that you please respect my wishes and privacy and grant my inevitable divorce from Lisa. If you refuse, then all of the facts will become public and I know neither of us wants that. I will get nasty if I have to.  I don't know how to make things any easier for all parties. Ladies and Gentlemen, Thank you and have a wonderful life."

Patrick pushed the stop button and turned the TV off and gave them, more specifically Lisa, a few minutes to digest the tape.

"Gentlemen, Mrs. Fallow, We hope you consider this offer and give us your decision within a week, at my clients request. If there is nothing further then please excuse me as I have other matters to attend to. Until then, enjoy the rest of your week." Patrick said professionally.

Lisa's attorneys turned to her and could see the pain in her face. "Well Lisa. What do you think? Truthfully, this is a hell of an offer for you. He's right. This is very unusual. What do you want to do?"

"What do I want to do? I want to die! I don't give a damn about what he is leaving to me. I want what he is taking with him!" With that she broke down sobbing, staring into her lap. "Please, could you leave me alone for a few minutes?"

"Sure, Mrs. Fallow. Come on, Charlie. Mrs. Fallow, we are going to head back to the office. Give us a call when you decide or if you need to just talk. I mean it. Anytime."

The two attorneys left the building. Lisa continued crying her eyes out and realized she needed to get her composure. Then she felt she had to talk to Joe. She got up and went to see Patrick.

"Mr. Strickland, could I please talk to Joe?"

"I have to keep his interests. He doesn't want to talk to you. And I can't give you his number, you know that. I'm so sorry about this, Lisa. I wish I could help you."

A tear rolled down her cheek. She replied in desperation. "You absolutely can help me. Help me talk to him. I don't care about this attorney/client privilege bullshit. I care about keeping my husband. We both did a bad thing and I know mine was far worse than his was and I want to make up for it with all my heart. Please help me, Mr. Strickland. I don't know what else to do other than promise you I will agree to all terms immediately after I talk to him. Can you help me?"

"Lisa, let me see what I can do. I can't promise he will agree to it, but I will ask. How's that?" He handed her his handkerchief.

"That's all you can do, I guess. Thank you."

"No problem. Leave me your number and I will call you when I know something. Good day, Lisa."

She left the number and went home. She sat around for a couple of hours when Patrick called to tell her that I would call her home at 7:00 tonight. For once in the past month her tears were from happiness. She hadn't talked to me since the night before my delayed departure in Hartford.

I was right on time calling her. She picked up on the first ring.

"JOE?"

"Hey Lisa."

"Oh my God! It's so good to hear your voice. Thank you so much for calling."

"Whatever it takes to get this over with, Lisa. What do you want? I left everything to you and I even intend to cash out my 401k from the airlines and deposit it into your account. Help you pay some of our bills."

"Joe I don't need you to do that. I just need you to talk to me and hear me out. What's the problem? We have been married for seven years."

"You went to the meeting today. You saw the tape. You read the letter I wrote when I left. What part of 'I want nothing to do with you' do you not understand? Why are we even having this conversation?" My voice was getting harsh.

"Yeah, I saw all of that. But what part of 'for better or for worse' and 'til death do you part' do YOU not understand? I don't want a divorce, Joe. I want you! I love you!" She tried pleading with me and I heard the crack of her voice.

"You want me? I bet! You want me to be a cuckold for you. You want to humiliate me and tear what little life I have left in me out and burn it! You love me?" I laughed. "Yeah, right! Let me let you in on a little secret. You don't treat people like the way you treated me when you love someone. Now, let's get on with this. I thought you had something to say." I said bluntly.

She started crying hard and had to catch her breath, then continued. "Joe, please hear me out. I am so sorry for everything that happened to us. I know you loved me and would never cheat on me intentionally. Barbara confirmed that today."

"What? You talked to Barbara?" I was shocked.

"I did more than that. I went in to give back your uniforms because they have been bugging me for a few days for them. I went in and on my way to your old supervisor's office, I saw Barbara come out of his office. I couldn't believe it! She said 'hello' and smiled like nothing ever happened but her eyes said that I was fool and she had been with my husband. I thought to myself, "Bull-Shit!" and I reared back and put that bitch on her ass."

"You hit her?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing; though it didn't matter.

"I'll say. I started punching her smug face, calling her a whore. After just a few seconds Phil came out and pulled me off of her. He asked what was happening and I screamed that she was the cause of you leaving me and I was going to kill her. He ushered me into the office to calm down and we talked for a while. Come to find out that Barbara had just quit. She told Phil that she found a better job. Well afterwards, I left and Barbara was waiting for me next to my car. She quickly told me what had happened that night at the party and that aside from doing what you did your only other options were to throw her out the front door or out the window. She apologized to me and we went our own ways."

"And you think that is why I left? Because of Barbara?"

"No, but it was something I needed to deal with. Hopefully she will think twice about messing with married men. Anyway, Joe, I was crushed when you confessed to me. I am glad you used to love me and trust me enough to tell me. Joe, I felt ultimately betrayed, humiliated by you and Barbara (of all people) and felt that I wasn't woman enough to keep you faithful and all I wanted to do was show you how I felt and make sure you remembered it. This whole thing was so stupid. I was so mad at you I thought I could kill you. Making me feel like this. I didn't want to go on with us if you had no idea how I felt. So, I came up with my brilliant plan to get back at you. The problem was I confused the anger I felt with the hurt I felt and I was on a course to dog you until I didn't feel hurt anymore. Even Rob tried to warn me on the second day we got together while you sat quietly listening to me hang myself. The more I hurt, the more I tried to humiliate you so that you would never do this again. I never once stopped to consider how bad you already felt because you betrayed me or what it felt like to be replaced with another man right in front of your eyes, or how much you must have loved me to even agree to all of this. I am so sorry, sweetheart. When I think about it now it must have really crushed you that I wouldn't even acknowledge you. The night you came home, I told Rob that this was our last time and that I was going to work things out with you; that you had suffered enough. Then we woke up and found your letter, I realized you suffered far worse than any man should ever have to. Far worse than I did. And Rob, he really hit home. Saying, "What did you expect? You drove him away. And, if I ever fall in love, I hope she loves me half as much as Joe loves you, to put up with so much of this. Then he said that I made a terrible mistake." Joe, I thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn't breath. I felt like I had a 10-ton rock lying on my chest. I started drinking vodka to settle me down and kindly asked Rob to leave. That I didn't need him anymore. He understood and left quietly. Joe, I have hardly slept since you left, more like passing out. And I wake up to the nightmare of you not being there every day. I don't care anymore what you and Barbara did at that party. I just want you home. In my life. In my arms. Please Joe! I need you. Please come home, or hell, I'll come to you. I don't care. We belong together, baby. Let's get together and work on our marriage and let me show you that I love you and will gratefully spend my life making my stupidity up to you, making you love me again."

"What? Lisa, when did I ever say I didn't love you? When?"

"Do you still love me Joe?" She asked hoping.

"Of course I still love you, I can't just turn that off like some light switch."

"See, honey, that's just one more reason for us to get together and work this out..."

I cut her short. "Not so fast, just stop! I love the woman I married. Not the woman you have become. The woman I married didn't have that kind of malice and ruthlessness in her. She was a loving, caring, fun and compassionate person who usually put the needs of other before hers. The person I left is the type to shove a log up someone's ass and break it off."

"I'm still the same woman you married. Sure, we both have changed some since then but you are still number one in my life. I love you!"

"Look, I, in no way, want to be with you. You still don't know how I feel. And until it happens to you, you can't even fathom it."

"Alright, then give me the treatment I gave you. Would that make you feel better? I certainly deserve it. Please! Just come home." She said begging. She started to cry again.

"Hell no! I'm not giving you the satisfaction of being that close to me again. Plus, I wouldn't do what you did to my worse enemy. You just don't get it! Lisa, maybe this can explain it to you. I wish I never met you! I wish you never walked in that bar 8 years ago.  I remember thanking you for showing me what love really feels like. Well, if I had any idea how painful love could be I wouldn't have walked away from you. I would have run for my life. I would have been working on a promotion to Commander right now. I had a promising future in the Navy and I gave it up because I love you. I have always been honest, caring and worked hard to make us work. To make you happy. I wish you never came in my life. Now I am working on getting you out of it. So, if you love me..." I chuckled "like you say you do, then respect my wishes and feelings and sign the fucking papers!"

I think she expected me to say this kind of stuff. She took a deep breath.

"Joe. Tell me something and be honest. Ok?" She was calmer now.

"Sure"

"Do you still love me?"

I paused, trying to answer her honestly. Did I really still love her? I know the pain is still there just as strong. How can someone hurt you if you don't love them? Why didn't I ever want to talk to her again? Well, frankly because it would just stoke the fires again and I needed for them to die out. Do I love her?

I sighed, regretting the answer. "Yes, Lisa, I still love you! But..."

"Say no more, Joe. That's all I needed to know. I will sign the papers tomorrow. But know one thing before we hang up tonight. I love you and will never give up on you. Good night, Joe." She sounded almost cheerful before she hung up.

What the hell was she up to? That's all she needed to know? Somehow I didn't feel good about this. I didn't know what this woman was thinking.

Lord in heaven, why did I tell her that I loved her? Maybe honesty wasn't always the best policy. It sure got me in a jam this time.

The next evening Patrick called and told me that it was all in the court and judges hands now. Lisa had signed the papers and seemed to be much better than the day before. She even seemed a little cheerful. I was at a loss for words. Well, she gave me what I asked for. I suppose I should be thankful. 

Then, reality set in. I wasn't married anymore. Lisa is not my wife anymore. I'm not a navy pilot anymore. I'm still not a father and I am alone again. That in itself wasn't bad except I just finished with the best 8 years of my life. Oh, God. I needed to move on.

The Next Step.

Well, it was six months since I had seen Lisa and I was doing very well, financially, at my job. I was doing a lot of R & D work with different types of flight controls to be used on the new F/A-18 E/F model being built called the 'Super Hornet'. I'll tell you one thing. That is an awesome machine. Of course, I can't go into specifics due to confidentiality, but from an aviator's standpoint, it's incredible. But then, so is the current A/C models as compared to the F-14, A-4, A-6, A-7 and every other jet out there.

Plus, I get the added bonus of performing test flights in this bad baby. God, I missed this. The speed, maneuverability and accessories. The freedom in it. The rush! It's a blast. 

The bad part of this job for me at first was that I was off work early and had a lot of time in front of the TV, bored out of my mind. Oh, it was cool at first. Had a lot of time to think and figure out what I want to do with my life besides work. I noticed my pants getting looser. Not eating a regular meal had shed some weight off me. But, who the hell wants to cook for just themselves?

My daily routine was getting monotonous. I called my buddy Mark and we chatted for a while. He said he would love for me to come and visit him and Pam. It really sounded good to me. I hadn't seen him in over 3 years and I needed an enjoyable vacation. I realized I was so lucky to work for a company that normally doesn't have a problem giving you time off, provided it's not excessive. The next day I was on a plane to see Mark and Pam.

Mark and Pam were like a sight for sore eyes. It was nice to be treated like family for a change. The only problem I had was while Mark and I got caught up on what's been going on, watching sports and working on his toy (1976 Camaro), Pam often tried getting me into conversations where Lisa was brought up. Sure, it made a little sense. Pam never knew me without Lisa, but right now that was not a conversation I wanted to get into. She did manage to tell me that Lisa was considering moving back in the area. I thought it was a good thing I was only visiting. 

Mark had suggested I find a hobby to keep myself busy when off work. He believed, and I guess I agree that I would never move on with my life sitting at home watching TV. He and Pam had the idea to take me to this new bar in town that played mostly southern rock. That is both of their favorite music genre. Sounded like fun to me too. So we went.

The place was hysterically typical. 2 pool tables, smoky room, small dance floor, long bar, etc. The music was great. We played a few games of pool, relaxing, getting a good buzz going. Just having a blast. When I looked at the pool table next to us, my jaw dropped. The most incredible display of ass was displayed wrapped in a short (but not too short) tight denim skirt. She made her shot and stood upright. Fucking gorgeous! Brown hair. Tanned athletic legs. Small pert chest. Pouty lips. A more than moderate amount of make-up. I haven't noticed a woman like that in a long time. Ever since...well...

I continued watching the other table looking forward to her bending over again, or just admiring the grace in which she moved. She was captivating! She eventually had a shot where she bent over right in front of me. When she did, she turned to look at me and gave me a wink. I wanted to throw her on the table and fuck the shit out of her. But that isn't what a gentleman would do, now is it. Pam abruptly said she was ready to find a table and sit for a while. She seemed a little miffed about something.

After a while at the table, she pulled Mark up to dance with her. I just sat back and watched them. Mark really was a lucky man. Pam was perfect for him. And very attractive at that. Mark and I go way back to being roommates at FSU. We have been through a lot during our tenure there and done a lot of crazy shit. But a kinder heart, you'll never find. He deserves Pam. I don't know a whole lot about her as far as her history but she seems sweet enough.




The Glimpse! Ch. 03



Changes.

Our plane touched down at the airstrip in St. Louis and we went home. I ordered Chinese food to be delivered and we had dinner while I began doing my laundry. She seemed insistent that she would take care of hers at home. Soon it became clear why.

After dinner she held my hand across the dining room table.

"Joe, we need to talk."

"Sure baby, What is it?" I asked, concerned, there was something deep on her mind.

"Joe, where do you see us going?"

"I don't know. I haven't thought about it lately, to be honest. I know that I love you and I really want you with me. As far as anything beyond that, who knows? Why?"

"Can you see us with a future?" She asked.

"Sure, if I really think about it. Is that what you have been thinking about?"

"Well...yeah, sort of. Joe, we have been seeing each other for almost a year and it has been so great being with you. I know we started as friends with benefits and we never officially changed that status, but I don't want anyone but you and I know you haven't seen anyone else either. The next thing I know is I am in Florida, I'm accepted as family by yours, and I realize that I love you. My heart bursting with brightness and bliss when I realize this for the first time. You know what I mean?"

"Yes I do, Trish. I love you, too. I didn't lie when I told you that. You have been so good to me. You're my best friend and a wonderful lover. Do you want to take this to the next level?"

"Not so fast, Joe. After I realized this there are some things I plainly seen that I just couldn't ignore, and neither should you. You have some issues, Joe. I think you will be so much happier when you come to grips with them."

"Trish, of course I have issues. My father just died and I feel bad because I feel I neglected him of precious time. There is so much I wish I would have done with him and it sucks that I didn't. You understand that don't you?"

"I do, honey, but that's not what I am talking about."

"Then what?" What was this woman getting at?

"Lisa!"

"Huh? What about her?" Where did that come from?

She just looked at me like there was something there I wasn't seeing or getting.

"Please, Joe, isn't it obvious? You are still in love with her." She said calmly.

"What the hell are you talking about? Where are you getting this?" I started getting pissed.

"Joe, I seen you happy. We had a wonderful run of things. I know we weren't rushing into things, and now I am thankful of that. But I first saw it at the funeral. The way this blonde woman I didn't know was looking at us. I saw the pain in her eyes and I knew that had to be Lisa. The way she looked at you, I knew something was still there in her, but after what you told me happened between you I just chalked it off to guilt and sorrow, not to mention her father passing away."

"Trish, look, I..." She interrupted. "Let me finish, Joe!"

"So, I left you alone with her while I tended to your mother, figuring she wanted to apologize and say good-bye. Maybe get some sort of closure, and I hoped you realized that you really loved me and was over her. Then I saw the look in your eyes when she was with you, holding you, kissing you. I have never seen that look in you before. It was then that I got real jealous and hoped it was a final parting. Then, she smiled, like she achieved some sort of victory and she looked at me and winked. I wondered 'what the hell is that all about?' but I let it go. It was a funeral and people get emotional. Then, at Mark and Pam's house, when I saw that picture of you and her together...I've never seen you that happy before. You looked so much in love. You both did! So young, with your whole lives ahead of you and I remembered that you spent 8 years with her. Oh God, how deep that love must go! Then, just last night, when you made love to me, I didn't feel the love from you I was hoping to feel. I felt some, yes. I know you care and are appreciative of me and don't get me wrong, I will always be there when you need me...but you're not in love with me, are you. Not like with Lisa, are you?" It sounded more like a statement than a question.

"Trish, I DO love you. Lisa ruined what we have. Well, we both did. It's over with her. I told you that! I'm sorry, but after Lisa I put a wall around me. I don't want to hurt like that again."

"Joe, it may be over, on paper. But it's so plain to see it's not over with her...or you. I know you love me, sweetheart, but I am selfish. I want all of your love and heart and I refuse to share it."

"Baby, you aren't sharing it and never will! It's yours!"

"No, Joe. I have been sharing it since we started all of this. That love you had for her is still alive as much as you try to hide it. I know it. I can see it and you can make yourself really happy once you admit it. But what this trip showed me is that you can never give me the love that I want. The love I deserve. The love you have for her deep inside, locked away. I can't go on like that...hoping that one day you will love me like that."

I hung my head. I did still love her and she's right. All I did was try to lock her away from me. I never really got over her, did I? Father, why isn't there a little switch inside us that turns feelings like this off, It would make things a lot easier, wouldn't it? But you never said life would be easy, did you?

"So, I think we need to stop this before things get more complicated than they already are. I will be your friend and I will always treasure you, but I need to move on and hopefully find my true love."

I sadly looked at her and nodded in agreement. She deserved to be happy and I know she will make someone a terrific wife. I certainly loved her enough to let her go and pursue her own happiness.

We hugged each other and finally I had to let her go. She took her things and said she would see me in class if I still wanted to, but I knew that wouldn't happen anymore either. How could it?

When she left, I got up and grabbed a bottle of Jim Beam and took a big swig. Then another. I went and sat in my chair next to the couch where Trisha and I made love so many times and I started crying. I was a mutt full of emotions. Sadness. Grief. Guilt. Anger. Love. Hatred. I felt the buzz coming on and I continued pouring the bottle down my throat. I craved a cigarette. So, I walked down to the gas station around the corner of my apartment and bought a pack and returned home. I sat back in my chair and took in some more Jim Beam and lit a cigarette and anger took hold. I looked up at the ceiling.

"Is this some kind of sick fucking joke to you? You are an asshole, did you know that? Ya having fun? Huh? Pulling peoples strings like some twisted puppeteer? Huh? What did I ever do to deserve this? You brought love to my life twice and robbed me of both of them!" I growled. Then thought for a second.

"Ok, touché! I fucked up, too on the first one. Thank you for allowing her to stomp my heart to pieces, you sorry motherfucker! 'What the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away.' Well, that's what you are good at, isn't it? Take! Take! Take! First Lisa! Then my spirit! Then I figured 'cool! You gave me Trisha!' then you take my dad, then if that wasn't enough, you take Trisha from me. What the fuck did I ever do to you? I try do be good and lead a positive life but you treat me like some redheaded stepchild. Why didn't you go ahead and take my life too? What am I, your fucking experiment? Well you know what, God? To hell with it all. I'll do it without you!"

I got up and went to bed, seething.

The next few days I did a lot of thinking. What Dad had said about no regrets, be happy, and live my life. He also said to think about Lisa. "Sorry, Dad! That shit ain't happening!" I also spent more time in the gym now that I had 2 days free again. I am going to miss Trisha's company, but I hope she finds what she deserves. She is a phenomenal lady. Did I get what I deserve? Joe, don't even go there!

One thing is for certain. I am done with this love thing. Now, it's going to be about me. I am going to have fun. Maybe be 'bad' for a change. Who knows?

Well, soon it came easy to find something else to do. For a few months I was in the gym everyday for a few hours a day. My body was getting ripped! Not quite Sly Stallone in 'The Specialist', more like 'Stone Cold Steve Austin' without that much mass. I loved being able to look good while flexing in the mirror. But that came to a halt one afternoon while pushing myself on squats. My hamstring pulled and the sports doctor said to lay off of it for at least six weeks. That sucked. Now what was I going to do? That means I can't fly either. The boss isn't going to be happy about that. Oh, well. It's just a job.

I checked the mail a week later and noticed an advertisement for a motorcycle rider course. A two-day event that would use up one Saturday and Sunday and take the state required test for a motorcycle endorsement. Sounded ok to me. What else did I have to do? I signed up, took the course and passed. Then I went shopping for a bike.

I went at first looking at choppers. I have always loved those. I found a Big Dawg shop and fell in love with those sleek styles; those big fat tires, that deafening rumble. I swear my dick got hard! Then I saw the price tag for a new one. OK, lets go somewhere else.

That's when I met Matt. He was a rugged looking salesman for Harley-Davidson. I told him what I was looking for and he sat me on a Softtail Classic. As stock, it looked kind of bland but the possibilities were endless and it was much cheaper, to me, than those Big Dawgs. Plus, what if I wanted to have some 'squeeze' ride with me? I'm sure it's better on a Harley than the Dawgs I seen. I agreed and bought it with certain accessories chromed out, engine guards (Hey, I'm a beginning rider, gotta protect this beautiful machine.), saddlebags, short sissy bar, and legal 'ape hangers'. It cost a few thousand extra but man was it worth it! When they rode it out of the garage an hour later I was in awe! My bike! My 'scooter'! I was psyched. I spent the rest of the week just riding around, enjoying the freedom. The feeling was incredible.

I met up with Matt a month later to go riding. He had commented on me not really personalizing my bike yet. "The bike should be a unique reflection of you, Brudder!" I thought about that as we rode. Who am I? When I look in the mirror now I hardly recognize myself. My hair is longer than it always has been, coming down below my neck. I had to keep it decent for work, but it was different that the typical navy haircuts I have always had until Trisha left. I was shocked to see that I added about 30 pounds of muscle and had to by new clothes. I grew out my goatee and mustache. Who the hell am I? I'm a stranger now to everybody I ever knew and a stranger to myself, but only familiar to Matt and his little clique. Is this who I really am? I don't know, but I like it so far.

And to be honest? I was still everything I was before. I realized I am still a jet pilot, a veteran, and ex-husband, a son, and a prideful man. Now I enjoy my new biker friends. I don't consider myself a biker in the usual sense of the word, but I enjoy riding with my new 'brudders'. Then I had an idea about what to do with my bike. I waved bye to Matt and took it down to the office.

I got up with some acquaintances on the floor. You'll be surprised what a couple of hundred bucks can get you! I decided to have my engine guards, a carburetor cover and a few small accessories gold plated. Then, I had the paint shop paint the tank and fenders gloss black and put a bald eagle on the tank and Navy wings on the fenders. I took the naval officers' crest of my old uniform hat and had it fixed to the gas cap. Not necessarily the most 'bitchin' look, but it was me. 100%

I continued to ride with Matt and his gang. We had a blast, making runs for charity, raiding small bars, rallies. We did Sturgis, Daytona, Myrtle Beach, etc. And not to mention the pussy thrown at us. It was like a dream come true. Freedom, baby! I even had a few women offer pussy just for a ride around the block in Daytona. It was crazy! What do you think? Did I turn them down?

Anyway, the E/F program was in its final stages of the prototype and my duties were dwindling and slowly diverting to a new army helicopter program. My role in this one would of course be administrative, as I was not a helicopter pilot. That was fine with me. It didn't matter anymore. My life wasn't about flying anymore. The last year and some odd months that I had been riding with the fella's, I felt a change in myself. I didn't think about the past anymore. I lived in the here and now. I still worked out 3 times a week but not so much for bulk as it was to just maintain. 

As far as living in the moment goes, the women coming in and out of my apartment was amazing. The night I remember most was last week when I brought Debbie and Beth home for a romp. They sat me down on the couch and started giving me a lap dance. They put on some Skynard and went to town. They tore my shirt off me and Debbie rubbed her body up and down my chest while Beth lip-locked me. All of a sudden I felt teeth squeeze my hard cock through my jeans. Now I knew that they wanted it rough and wild. That's what I'm talking about! Debbie and Beth both worked my jeans off of me and they took turns sucking my cock with vigor. They may not be good at anything else but they could give head.

I had a really strong attraction to Beth so I pulled her up and had her stand on the couch and squat down so I could lick her ass and pussy. The most delicious looking ass I ever seen. I held her hips to support her as my tongue attacked her holes. She smelled so good, her juice smeared into my face. I darted my tongue into her and she started slamming her pussy into my face. I soon had to stop her because she was suffocating me. I felt good, though. Making her cum before she got off my face.

When she moved, Debbie sat down on my cock and ground her hips into mine. My cock tickled her cervix and caused her to grind faster and start screaming. Beth sat on the chair and went to work pinching her nipples in one hand and slamming 3 fingers into her snatch. These broads are something else. I held on to Debbie's hips and pushed her down onto my cock harder to try and get deeper. Her cunt clamped down on my cock and I could feel her cum spray my cock and balls. I never felt that before. It was pretty cool having a squirter for once.

She slowed down to ease her senses and Beth said it was her turn. I lifted her off and went over to Beth. She had draped her legs over the arms of the chair and I lowered myself between her legs. This bitch was hot! 

"Fuck me hard, Twinkle! Fuck ME!" 

Twinkle was a name affectionately given to me by Matt while we were in Myrtle Beach. Quite simply...I danced a lot. How many bikers do you see dancing? When I had my buzz going I noticed a woman that climbed up on the bar and started dancing. I felt like dancing too so I climbed up there and we bumped and grind all over the bar. Then I was dancing with other women. I danced my ass off that night so Matt called me Twinkle-Toes and it got shortened from there. And by the way...I banged that woman, too!

I started slamming my cock into her. She looked incredible in the throws of passion. I hoped this wasn't the last time I was fucking her. She wrapped her arms around me for the ride of her life and deeply drug her nails into me and raked them across my back. It hurt, which caused me to fuck her harder. I felt her abdomen violently contracting and her eyes rolled back in her head when she came, but I fucked her hard and fast to drive her insane. After a few minutes Debbie complained that she was being left out. 

So I got off of Beth and lay down on the floor and Debbie straddled me and I called Beth to sit on my face again. This had turned out to be an incredible night. My balls were starting to stir with Debbie bouncing like a ball on my cock and Beth grinding her ass in my face. From the sounds of things they were kissing each other and the thought of that sent me over the top. The force of which I exploded I thought I would shoot Debbie's petite body right off my cock. I had Beth's pussy juice all over my face and flowing past my ears. One hell of a night! I laid there with a woman in each arm cuddling when there was a knock at the door. I didn't really care that we were naked on the floor, and neither did they based on the fact that the knock didn't startle them and send them flurrying. "It's open!" 

I looked up and my heart stopped!

"Trisha!"

Apparently she didn't recognize me. She hadn't seen me since she left a year and a half ago. I had changed quite a bit since then.

"Joe? Oh shit! I'm sorry, I didn't know you had company. And what are you doing with these bimbo's? Why aren't you with Lisa where you belong? Oh my God, you disgust me!" She turned and walked out.

I got a bit miffed at that, so I put my pants on and ran after her. I caught her on the street and grabbed her arm.

"Wait a second!" I ordered.

When I turned her around, she landed her right hand across my cheek. "Get your fucking hands off of me! Who the fuck do you think you are?"

"Me? Who the fuck do you think you are, telling me where I should be and judging me? You left me, remember?"

"I left you thinking that you would go back to Lisa, jerk-off! Not turn in to this heathen and fuck around with whores!" She barked.

"What the fuck do you care what I do? Why are you even here? You haven't been around the past year. Why now? Like I really need this shit right now."

"I came to tell you that I am getting married! I came to talk to my 'friend' about it and this is what I find?"

"Hey, damn it; don't give me that friend shit! You weren't here when I needed one. I haven't seen you since you left. Truly, if you're getting married, and he is what you want and will give you what you want, then I'm happy for you! But if this is what you came to tell me, then save your breath. You weren't here for me this past year so why bother now? Just get the fuck out of here."

She looked at me in shock and slowly backed away, heading towards her car.

My head felt like it was going to explode! All of the old feelings came slamming into me, all at once. I felt an adrenaline-filled rage! I headed back upstairs and told the broads to get out. I grabbed a bottle and gulped down almost a quarter of the bottle. I couldn't seem to settle down so I got dressed and took a ride. I went by Matt's house and found he wasn't home so I headed to the bar we frequent and there he and some of the gang were. 

"Hey Matt. How's it hangin'?"

"Low and mean, Twinkle. What's up with you tonight? The sisters told me you almost went berserk and you kicked them out. What happened?"

"I ain't getting into it right now, brother. Get me a beer. I got to hit the head." I went to the bathroom. When I came out this longhaired friend of Jesus came up to me asking if I was saved and have I found Jesus. I walked past him telling him to back off. I didn't need this shit. 

"Hey man, I'm just trying to save your soul by telling you the wonders of God and His Son Jesus."

I snapped. I turned around and gave him a thunderous right hook and laid him out. I stood there over his limp body and looked at his friends. "Don't you ever mention God or Jesus to me again! Ever!" I growled.

"Damn, Twinkle. You put it on his ass pretty good." Matt said, rubbing his chin.

I sat down and had a drink. It didn't take the sheriff deputies long to get there and arrest me for assault. They kept me in jail for a few days until my court date. Because it was my first offense and for my military record I was sentenced to time already served and ordered to pay a $10,000 fine. So, I got off easy. With the courts anyway. My boss was notified and because I was AWOL my boss said that I could get terminated for this embarrassing behavior or keep my job and see a therapist and go through anger management because, by his ideas, I was on a downward spiral out of control. It would have been different had I not been pissed still, but hey; the fact is I WAS pissed. I told him he could shove this job up his ass!




The Glimpse! Ch. 03



Why did she have to come back now? I was doing good! I was happy with who I was and even better: I was happy not thinking about God, love or my past. When I seen her, all of those memories came back to me and I hated it. I sat in that cell and all of those old thoughts and feelings came back. The Navy, Lisa, Trisha, Mark and Pam, Dad, all of it. I was livid! I found that they never left. I just hid them better than I had before.

When I got home I saw that I had several missed calls on my cell phone. Mostly from work, a few from Matt, and one from Pam. So I called Matt and he said my scooter was at his place and I told him what happened. Then I called Pam back. She said that she was surprising Mark for his birthday and they were going to have a tailgate party in the field behind their house. They were going to have a bonfire, pig in the ground, a keg and have a lot of his friends and her friends. It sounded like it was going to be a blast. She said she had to warn me that Lisa will be there too and to please not cause a scene. I didn't care anymore. God was going to do what he wanted anyway, never mind what turmoil I was in. She said it would be this weekend on Saturday night. Maybe I just needed to get away and this was a good idea. Just ride and see my buddy. 

I took a cab to Matt's house and got my bike and we shot the shit. I told him I was going to Florida and take a little break. He agreed I needed to do something before I lost my mind. "You can't lose what you never had, brother." I told him. He said he would 'like to meet the bitch that fucked me up!'  After a long talk, confessing my past to him, I left and went to see Trisha. But when I seen her, the thought that prevailed was that she, in fact, DID leave me because of Lisa. My ex-wife then and my ex-wife now. So I left. What possible good could come from seeing her?

Enough.

I went home and packed a few things and called the utilities and asked what I owed. I didn't know how long I would be gone. I rode around and paid bills and had Matt feed the dog. I then rode to Florida.

The ride was awesome. I did a lot of thinking about my life. I had been fired. I have never been fired before. Actually I could have kept my job but what's done is done. All the whores, all the parties, that's what I became and got consumed by. I thought about Dad. His dying words. 'Don't let pride destroy you!' I miss you Dad! I wish you were here now. I need you. Had I spent more time with him, maybe I wouldn't feel like this. 

As I rumbled down I-65 through Tennessee I thought hard about my 'pride'. Where has it got me? Pride didn't get me to leave Lisa. Her reckless behavior made me leave. I had enough of her cruelty. Pride didn't get me to resign my commission. Love for Lisa, did! However, pride DID get me to move away and not get involved with Lisa again. That same pride let me take my dad for granted while I was nursing myself. Pride got me in the gym working harder than I needed to, that led me to Matt. Pride made me a whore to all of those 'skanks' I fucked night after night. Pride set me off with Trisha last week and made sure that I wasn't there for her when she wanted to talk. Ok, she had no right being disgusted with me for fucking Debbie and Beth or whatever I was doing with my love life. She has not talked to me in over a year, but I didn't call her either. We never said we wouldn't be friends. And after what she did for me when Dad died, I treat her like that? So essentially I lost a friend that day. My pride made me tell my boss, who has always taken care of me, to stick his job up his ass. It seems to me, pride can easily make a person do some stupid shit! My fuckin' pride! Dad was right. Pride isn't worth a shit.

BIRMINGHAM – 109 

Cool! I'll see my buddy at his shop there. I met Jeff at Sturgis and we hit it off good. He said to drop by if I'm ever in town. Hell, my bike 'Hell bitch' could use a tune up and oil change. 

And what was up with Lisa? She was right. Trisha and I didn't last. Talk about women's intuition. Why the hell didn't she get on with her life? "The house is ready for you. We belong together." What kind of bullshit is that to say to me? What about Dad telling me to think about Lisa? That she had been by to see my mom and dad, What the fuck? Pam and Trisha both told me to give her another chance. Was I just dreaming or hallucinating about what Lisa put me through? They apparently didn't comprehend it. I didn't really hurt anymore, but it still happened by the woman I loved. Shit! I still do! 

Soon, I rolled into the Harley shop in Birmingham and true to form, Jeff was there and we shot the shit while he changed oil and plugs and had one of his guys clean the carburetor. After his shift we rolled over to the local biker bar and caught up with what's been happening. He had recently got married and had a kid on the way. I was happy for him. He seemed different than I remember him being, but maybe that's what a good woman does to you. After a few beers half a pack of Camels, I crashed at his place and left for Marks house. One thing is for sure; I had to get my head on right.

When I arrived in Crestview, Marks hometown, I was on fumes and pulled in a gas station. I was sitting on 'hell bitch' filling her up when I was startled by this guy commented on my bike.

"Damn! Mister, that is one hell of a bike. It's gorgeous!" It was Mark.

"Thanks, Mark. How ya been, man?"

He looked at me strange. "I'm sorry, do I know you?" 

That almost hurt. But, then I realized what I looked like when he last saw me and now, well...I pulled my shades off and looked at him.

It took a second. "Oh, Jesus! Joe? What the...What did you do to yourself? You went all 'biker' on me. What, are you on steroids, too? You're a monster!"

I climbed up and we hugged each other. "Yeah, I found a hobby."

"I'll say. Man you look so different! I bet the rest of the people tonight won't recognize you either."

"Pam told me it was a surprise, did she spill the beans? I asked.

"No, I'm just acting surprised. You can't expect to hold a party that size in my back land and not expect me to know. Don't worry. I never saw you today and I will act surprised." He shook his head. "You know Lisa will be there tonight, don't you? There isn't going to be any problems with that will there?"

"I didn't plan on any, why? Are you expecting some problems? What's the deal?"

"Nothing, it's just that it will be the first time you two have really seen each other since the divorce. We know you're upset about that, that's all. I know there won't be a problem on her part, that's for sure."

"Whys that?" I asked.

"Because she is still...well...you'll see tonight." He said

"No, Mark. Tonight is about your birthday and having a good time. I will be civil no matter how pissed off I am. But I warn you, if she starts that 'We should be together and I love you' bullshit, I'm out of there. I don't need that right now. You feel me?"

"I got it. I understand." 

I put the dispenser back.

"So, where are you staying while you're here? You know you can stay with us, if you want."

"I might take you up on that later, but now I'm headed to a hotel. I'm gonna crash! I just got here. But hey, I'll see ya tonight and we'll get three sheets to the wind! Believe that!"

"Cool, man. See ya then."

Then I went and checked into a Ramada Inn. When I got to the room, I popped open a beer I bought at the gas station and let my body stop vibrating. I fell asleep shortly after.

Suddenly, there was someone walking towards me. I looked around and saw that there were large boulders all around me. Not surrounding me but staggered. It would have been dark except there was an incredibly large fire behind me about 200 yards away. When the man got within 50 feet of me he walked slowly and pointed his finger at me. When he did, I felt a pulse hit me that sent me back and slammed me against one of the boulders. My hands were jerked up and shackled to the rock.

He continued to walk towards me. His hair and beard was snow white. His skin was the color of gold. His eyes were small round balls of fire and he wore what looked like a white glowing toga. He stopped about 20 feet in front of me and just looked at me. I looked at my hands binded to the boulder and back to him. I started to get scared and anxious. He then held out his hand, palms up and a small fireball slowly rose from his hand and fell to the ground and exploded. When my vision restored, I saw a red cobra the size of an anaconda slither to me and it reared its head up and hissed 'you're mine, loser!' My heart was racing and my body got tensed. He reared his head and struck. He took a large chunk out of abdomen, spilling my intestines and other organs on the ground beneath me. My blood flowed from the snakes' mouth and he entered, head first, through the wide-open hole in my body and before I knew it I saw the tail enter me behind the body of this serpent. I was in agony as the snake crawled around inside of me. My body felt numb, suddenly, when I felt my heart being eaten. I realized that I was wide-awake with no heart in my body. Then I felt my throat stretched painfully and the snake slowly slithered out of my mouth and crawled away and burst into flames.

I looked at the man and saw a single tear drip from both eyes. When they fell to the ground it sounded like thunder. Then, he held his hand out again and another ball of fire appeared and rose up slowly. It floated towards me and hovered just feet from me and dissipated into a thick mist and it formed into Lisa. I was defeated, yet amazed that I wasn't totally dead. I saw Lisa in a tan toga- like garment and her face looked like it did in our younger days. She walked up to me and when she was close enough I saw tears in her eyes, too. She raised up her hand and showed me a heart, still pumping. She put the heart in my chest and it started beating inside of me. The feeling was incredible. No pain. When her hand came out of my chest, I looked down and saw that the large hole in my abdomen had closed up. I looked at her in shock. She smiled at me and kissed me. Then she turned to stand by the man in white.

That man held his hand out again and then another ball of fire appeared. It misted and formed a white book with a lace cover and a ribbon in the middle of the cover. It had no writing on the outside. It opened itself in the man's hand and I saw spirits, or ghosts. Something like that, but they were all of the people (Friends and Family) of my past. They flew around the man and lined up beside the man in white. They were silent, but their hands where held over their hearts and they just looked at me for what seemed like hours. Finally, the man in white illuminated into a blinding light and then they all vanished. Suddenly there was silence. I felt that the shackles on my arms disappeared and I saw that book lying on the ground in front of me. I bent down to open it...

I bolted up into a sitting position, heavily breathing! "What the fuck?" I looked around the room and realized I was in a motel room and the alarm was going off. It was 6:30 PM. "Must have been a dream!" I said to myself. I stripped my clothes off and got ready for a shower. I grabbed my shaving kit and went to the sink and stopped. Looking in that large mirror, I saw someone I didn't know. I stared at my reflection and recent scenes flashed through my mind. I saw Debbie and Beth together. I saw myself screaming at Trisha. I saw myself telling my boss what to do with his job. I saw myself hitting that man in the bar for nothing! Then I saw this person in the mirror. 

"Who the fuck are you?" I looked close. "Where is Joe? What did you do to him?" I stared at my reflection for a while. I decided that I needed do whatever I could to get out of this rut that I fell into. This isn't me! I lost everything. 

I took out the scissors and cut my beard as close as I could and shaved it off, leaving a trimmed mustache and goatee. "Much better!" I smiled at myself and took a shower. After, I put on a pair of tight jeans, tank top and a flannel shirt (unbuttoned) and headed over to Marks house.

I can only imagine what this group of people thought of some strange guy rumbling up to the party on a custom 'hawg'. I came to a stop and revved the throttle, letting the throaty sound of those Screaming' Eagles vibrate the party and let it idle, enjoying the deep "PLOP PLOP PLOP" sound. I cut the engine off and lifted my shades off. "Let's get this party started!" I shouted.

Mark had got up laughing and headed over to me. Most everyone else, like Mark at first, took a little bit to figure out who I was, but when they did they came hurriedly up to me like the long lost friend that I was. As you can imagine, all the 'OH MY GOD, JOE?' 'IS THAT REALLY YOU?' flew around. The crowd surrounded me and 'hell bitch' as I told them in very few details what I've been up to. The workouts (obviously, since I maintained the mass and tone I had before), dance lessons, bike rallies, etc. Then I opened up and surprised Mark.

"Hey Mark. I had a long way to travel to get here and I wouldn't have missed this for the world. I love you, man. I wanted to get you something, but what? So, I figured I don't know any man who wouldn't enjoy this." I tossed 'hell bitch' keys to Mark. "Before it gets dark, take that beautiful woman of yours for a nice 'loooonnnnngggg' ride!"

"Oh, Joe, no! That's too much, I'm afraid I would mess it up." He said like he really did want to but how would I react if he dumped it.

"Don't worry about it! I trust you man. You have always been a good friend. Like a brother to me. Go man! Pam, you wanna feel the power between your legs?" I asked, teasing her to get some hoot and hollers from that one.

"Oh hell yeah, I do. Come on Mark, let's go baby!" She said climbing on.

Mark straddled the bike and stood it up off of the kickstand. Then I gave him some instruction. 

"Ok, nothing to it right?"

"Not really, we'll be careful." Mark assured.

I saw Lisa standing fairly close to me, but I stayed focused on Mark.

"Careful? Fuck that, brother, have fun! Take her for the ride of her life. Hell, pull over and ride her if you want. Live free or die, man."

"You don't want cum stains on your seat do you?" Mark said teasing.

"It wouldn't be he first cum that seat has seen, brother!" I revealed, laughing at the looks I got from Mark and Pam. I loved that I got to rub Lisa's nose in that, but I knew I needed to tone it down. This party was about Mark, not me. They agreed and they took off.

The bon fire was surrounded by chairs and tailgates. There was a pig cooking on a cooker not far from the keg. And everyone seemed to have brought a chair. It looked like the men were huddled in one area and the women in the other. I went to a cooler and grabbed a beer and started shooting the shit with the guys, catching up on lost time. Time to time, I would look over at Lisa and found her looking at me. I gave her a smile and she got up and walked over to me. We hugged and said hello.

"You look so different, Joe. You've changed a lot! The work outs have paid off, I see." She said enthusiastically.

"Thanks, I worked hard on this." I looked her over as well. Even more beautiful than I remembered. She was wearing a tight black pair of jeans, a red halter-top with a white cotton button up shirt. Her hair was done perfect. Her make up was perfect. It looks like she done this for some one. "You haven't changed a bit. Still stunningly beautiful!"

"Thank you." She blushed.

"And Joe, that bike is hot! You did a great job customizing it! Will you take me for a ride sometime?" She asked, looking excited in the possibilities in that.

"Sure! When do you want to go?" 

"How about tomorrow?" I told her no problem.

"So, how ya been, Joe?"

"Oh, you know me, trying to get by without shoving."

"You still flying?"

"Not anymore."

She was shocked. "Why? What happened?"

"It's a long story that I am not going to get into tonight."

We continued to talk about insignificant topics, keeping things from getting too personal. I realized that the anger for her wasn't near as strong as it had been, like I was more obsessed with being angry with her than what I was angry for in the first place. It was actually nice being able to get along with her.

Time flew by and to my thankfulness 'hell bitch' rolled up unscathed with Mark and Pam. 

"I have got to get me one of these!" Mark stated.

"Joe, that was incredible. You are definitely on to something here!" Pam said, looking a little flushed. It looked like she just got laid.

"I hope you had a good time, guys. You deserve it." I told him.

We all sat around, telling jokes, personal funny stories. I sat on a tailgate and we were all just chilling out as one group. Lisa sat in a chair across the circle from me. She kept her eyes on me off and on through out the night. I can't say that I didn't stare at her either. I couldn't help but look at her, so gorgeous. And it appeared she was still into me. I need to be careful here before things get out of hand. It was like Déjà vu. After a few drinks, almost like it was staged, most people got up and split up into couples and that left me looking at Lisa, who looked at me with a 'well?' look in her eyes. I sighed and patted the tailgate spot beside me. She smiled and sat right next to me and we had more small talk.

I looked at my watch and saw that it was 1:00 AM. She asked what time it was and I told her. I'll give her credit. She goes after what she wants and doesn't give up. She hopped off the tailgate and walked over to 'hell bitch' and straddled it. 

"I got up early today and I'm beat. Would you take me home, Joe?"

"Where is your car?" I asked, half-serious and half giving her a hard time.

"I came with Sherry and...well...look at her, she's with Robert and having a good time. I don't want to disturb them" She reasoned.

"Damn that! I'm having a good time too and I ain't ready to leave." I said, now wanting to let her know she doesn't own me.

"Please, Joe?" She said with puppy dog eyes. 

"Lisa, those sad eyes aren't going to work with me. You'll just have to wait for Sherry." Ha! I got her!

Now everyone was looking at us and hoping not to see a fight.

"Damn it, Joe! Get your stubborn ass over her and take me home!" She said, almost shouting.

I looked along the people there and I promised not to cause a seen. This was Mark's night! So I took in a deep breath and exhaled. I lowered my head and straddled the bike and brought her rumble back to life and took her home. I guess I showed her, huh? 

Stop the Pain, Please.

She lived in Holley, a pretty quick trip down Hwy. 85 and Hwy. 98. She had to yell out for me where to turn, as I have never seen her house here. I pulled up into her driveway and shut the motor off and sat there. 

"Come on in, let's have a drink." She invited.

"Nah, I'm gonna get out of here, I'm a little tired too." Which I was.

"Joe, you're already here, come on. Just one beer."

"Lisa!" I had to be blunt. "I am not sleeping with you! I think it would be best if I head back to the motel."

"I never said you were sleeping with me. I just asked you to join me for a beer. It's not going to kill you, now, come on!"

I looked down at my tank wondering what the hell I was getting into, why I was even considering it. I need my head examined for being such a glutton for punishment! I shook my head and climbed off the 'bitch'.

Once inside, I took my boots off in the foyer and walked in. The place was immaculate! New looking dark green carpet, bright white paint, and furniture that had really big fluffy pillows. She had a red oak entertainment center. I looked at the walls and saw several portraits we had done when we were married. The house looked as if a couple lived here! Maybe she needs her head examined!




The Glimpse! Ch. 03



She came from the kitchen with 2 long necks and handed me one, then we sat down.

"This place is beautiful, Lisa. Nice job!" I commented.

"Thank you. I hoped you liked it. Did you buy a house in St. Louis?"

"Nah, I'm renting an apartment. Didn't want to get into a debt just yet, until I met 'hell bitch', that is."

"Hell Bitch? Where did that come from?" She asked, sort of laughing.

"Well, the guys I ride with say that normally people who love their bikes give them a name and it's normally female. At the time, female and bitch were synonymous to me and they could all go to hell. So? Hell Bitch was born!" She looked at me with a hurt expression. Oh well, she asked, didn't she?

"Did you put these pictures on the wall because I was in town and you knew you could manipulate me into coming here?" I asked, trying to push her buttons.

"No, they have been there for over two years, ever since I moved in. And I didn't manipulate you, Joe. I asked you to come in, that's all. You chose not to leave. And I'm glad you didn't. It's so good to have you here." She said with a serious look. She didn't appear to be trying to play me.

"So, how has Trisha been? She couldn't join you on this trip?" She asked curiously.

I snapped my head towards her, wild eyed looking at her. I opened my mouth ready to snap, but I bit my tongue and stood up to leave and she grabbed my arm. She looked shocked and scared. "What? What's the matter, Joe? Don't walk away from me, please? Please sit down." She begged.

I looked down at her. "Trisha and I are no longer an item, ok? Haven't been for a while. Look, I need to get out of here..." I felt restless. I felt like I was going to explode.

"No, please, Joe. I'm sorry. I didn't know. Truly, Joe! I am so sorry. Please sit down." She had a look of sorrow now.

I took a deep breath and let it go. She pulled me down next to her and I just looked at the floor. Why does she do this to me? It's like I seem powerless to her, sometimes.

"Joe. What's going on with you? What happened to you?" She honestly had no clue!

I gave up. I was tired. I was pissed. I was still in pain. I was afraid. It was wearing me down. "That's a conversation for another time." I said flatly. This was not going like I hoped. But I don't even know what I hoped for. I guess you need hope before you can hope for anything. Fuck it! "Lisa, I need to go. Really, thanks for the beer, but I need to lay down and crash. If you want, we can talk tomorrow." "No. Uh-Uh, you're not leaving. My husband doesn't sleep in a motel while he's in town. He stays here!"

"Uhh...Lisa? Didn't you get the memo? We're divorced! I'm your ex-husband. Have been for a little while now." I put it as plainly as I could.

"Ok, my ex-husband doesn't sleep in a motel when he is in town. It's ridiculous. I have 2 spare beds, a spare bathroom, and a pull out. I have waited almost 3 years to be able to talk to you and you will have to kill me before I let you leave tonight." She said boldly and adamantly. 

I looked at her like she was insane. What possible good would it do for me to stay here? But, then...How much more pain could she cause me? All I could muster in reply was "Whatever."

"Good. I will leave the light on in the spare room for you. Make yourself at home. I am going to get a shower. I will see you in a bit, ok?" She seemed happy, now.

She went down the hall and I got up and went to the spare room and turned the light off. I fell back on the bed and my body went limp in relaxation but my mind was going 100 mile an hour. I never thought we would be under the same roof again. What's next, a preacher? I must be out of my mind. 

Well, I must have dozed off soon, because I was woken by Lisa pulling covers over me and kissing my cheek and she whispered "It's good to have you home, baby."

I woke up and it was still dark outside. I turned the lamp light on and I saw something that startled me. I white lace-covered book with a white ribbon! It was sitting on the nightstand. I recognized it immediately as the one from my dream. I was starting to get 'freaked out'! I sat up and stared at it for a few moments and something inside me told me to take it and open it. I took it and placed it on my lap and, reluctantly, opened it. I half expected ghosts to start flying out of it, but that didn't happen.  It was a photo album.

The first picture was the same one Trisha saw. The one of all four of us at Fat Tuesday. I looked hard at that picture. How I looked. It's hard to believe I looked like that! So young. Back when I was a Lieutenant. I was so happy for Lisa that day and I remember thinking that day there is nowhere else in the world I would rather be. In Fat Tuesdays? No. In Lisa's arms. So close that our bodies touched! I can see now what Trisha was talking about. I turned the page.

Wow. I had forgotten about that! The welcome home at the airport. I think it was Pam who took the picture of Lisa and me hugging. Damn! I remember that hug like it was 10 minutes ago. I really hoped she would be there. I missed her so much. And there is a picture of Lisa, Mom, Dad and I at the airport. Look at me! It is like I was king of the world. I can't say that I have had that feeling lately. But I felt a lump in my throat looking at the next one.

I wore my dress whites and Lisa had the most fabulous dress I had ever seen. We were facing each other in a close-up (waist and up) photo, holding hands, and staring/smiling at each other. I was lost in that woman's eyes. In her smile. I vowed that day to live my life happily to see that smile everyday, forever. God, I loved her! And she loved me! I wanted to cry looking at that picture. I knew the guy in the picture was inside me somewhere. I could feel him. What else would make me feel this way?

I turned the page and saw the two of us laughing as I held out the camera and took a snap of us on our honeymoon in Miami. I remember us playfully arguing over whose turn it was to take a picture and I started tickling her stomach to get my way. She then started tickling me with her nails on my exposed ribs. The picture was taken seconds before the camera was dropped on the beach and we ended up in a passionate kiss and heavy breathing. We headed up to our suite and made love for the rest of the afternoon. I can still smell her that day. Feel her around me. Man! How did my life get so fucked up? Why?

Yep, theres our first house in Jacksonville. Looking at it now, it wasn't near the house Lisa has now, but it was a mansion to us. I remember carrying my wife across the threshold and christening the floor in the master bedroom right after we closed on the house. Sure, the floor was hard, but her love and warmth more than made up for that. She made me feel invincible. I could accomplish anything as long as I had her. I knew in my heart that I was nothing without her. 

My tears ran as I looked through the rest of the album. In the back cover, I saw a flattened rose. It dawned on me that it was the one she gave me at the airport. I held on to it the whole time in Japan. The life I once had. Why did she do this to me? Why did I not throw that bitch Barbara out the bathroom door? I closed the photo album and noticed that the sun was starting to come out. I didn't get more than 2 and half-hours of sleep. But I wasn't tired right now. I got up and walked into the front yard and leaned against my bike and watched the magic of a sunrise. Then it dawned on me I hadn't seen one since the day after Trisha and I went on our first date.

The colors were magnificent. Blue blending to purple, blending to orange, blending to yellow, then light blue to the whiteness of the sun. After the sun rose I walked into the backyard and walked around, checking things out and thinking. Trying to figure out where things are with me. I checked out the shed and it was arranged as if I had been there. Tools all neatly organized. Clean mower, just like I had left it. I shrugged and closed the shed door to find Lisa behind me. I was a little startled. I told her I was going to put a bell around her neck. She laughed and handed me a cup of coffee. I sure missed her laugh and smile.

"What are you up to out here? I figured you would be in bed asleep."

"I watched the sunrise and then just checked things out." I told her.

"Oh, I haven't seen one in a long time. You should have came and got me. It was pretty, I bet."

"I wasn't sure you would appreciate waking you up." I replied.

"Probably not, but I would have loved to see it with you." She smiled. I wish she would quit doing that.

She continued. "Are you hungry?"

"I could eat. What did you have in mind?"

"I wanted to make some eggs and biscuits with gravy."

"You're trying to seduce me, aren't you?" I asked with a smile. She knows that is my favorite for breakfast, when I get to eat breakfast.

She just smiled warmly. "Come on, let's get breakfast going. By the way, what did you have planned for the day?"

"Lisa, I don't make plans anymore. So I didn't have anything planned, why?"

"You promised me a ride on the 'bitch'. I woke up hoping for you to take me today. It looks like it is going to be a beautiful day."

"Well, it's the least I could do for you making breakfast. I don't get breakfast very often. I usually miss it."

"Well, you wont today. A growing boy has got to eat."

We went in and had breakfast. She looked perfect in that long nightshirt that came to her middle thighs. She still takes my breath away. I need to get back to St. Louis. Fast! She knows too many of my buttons to push in me to make me comfortable. How could she do that to me? I started to get moody, meaning quiet and enclosed.

"What's wrong, Joe?"

"Nothing! Let's just get this ride over with. I have to get back to St. Louis." I said, trying to show no emotion.

"Why? Whatcha got going on that cant wait?"

"I need to look for a job."

"Why? What happened at your old one?"

"That's something I'm not ready to talk about." I snapped.

"Okay! Fair enough, uuhh, I'll go get changed."

She came out and I felt kicked in the head. Denim cut-off shorts, old T-shirt tied in a knot at her button, her hair in a ponytail. Did she ever 'not' look incredible? I started getting mad again thinking that she started the chain reaction that ruined my life. I put my shades on and headed out to the bike and got her warming up. Lisa came out and I helped her on and we were off. We cruised down Hwy. 87 and when we approached I-10 she suggested heading to Blackwater River State Park near Harold, FL. So after another 30 minutes we were there and she said she wanted to take a walk through the woods. She was telling me about her dad taking her canoeing there when she was a kid. We got out about a quarter-mile into the woods when she turned and stood in front of me placing her hand on my chest.

"Alright, Joe. What's going on with you?"

"Come in, Lisa. Not now!" I said, complaining. I wasn't ready for this.

"Joe what has happened to you? You never had a problem telling me how you feel, so why stop now?"

"Well, I have you to thank for that, don't I?" I looked sternly at her.

"Yes! Joe! Yes you do, and I am as sorry as I can be for what I did to you. I wish so badly that I could take it back! The hardest thing I ever had to do was realize that I couldn't, no matter how much I wished for it. I am sorry Joe."

"That may be true, Lisa, but 'sorry' ain't gonna make things right. So let's just drop this!" My hands started shaking.

"No! We are not going to drop this. Now talk to me. Tell me you hate me! Tell me to go to hell! Beat the hell out of me if it would make you feel better. I love you, Joe, and I don't want to see you like this." She said getting louder.

"Lisa, you need to back the fuck up!" I warned, wide eyed.

"Why? You want to hit me? If that's what you want, DO IT!"

I turned my face to look away from her and then she slapped my chest! "DO IT!"

I felt like I was boiling and was afraid I would hurt her so I turned around to walk away. "Don't you walk away from me, Joe!" She said, grabbing my arm and turning me. When I turned, her hand was headed towards my face when I caught it and pushed it away. I was enraged further than I ever had been before and all of a sudden I had her neck in my hand and up against a tree ready to squeeze the life out of her. I screamed "FUCK YOU!"

I saw tears coming out of her blood shot eyes and her face was reddish purple. I lightened my grip on her and she showed no fear. Just anguish. "Talk to me Joe!"

"WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DESTROY ME LIKE THAT, YOU FUCKING BITCH?"

"BECAUSE I WAS STUPID, JOE!" I took my hand off her neck. She caught her breath and looked me dead in the eyes. "I was stupid."

I stepped away from her and sat down on a nearby stump. I hung my head down. 

"Joe! You have to understand. When you came home and told me you fucked Barbara, I was devastated! A part of me knew that it wasn't entirely your fault and understood the mistake. And I loved you even more that you loved me enough to be honest. But another huge part of me felt like you were trying to replace me. You had already told me that you were tired of us not being together much any more. We had tried for years to have a child and were unsuccessful. I know the doctor said that we were both ok, but I wanted so bad to give you a son. I started thinking that I was the problem. I felt like less of a woman and became unsure of myself in relating to you. And when you told me that, a big part of me felt that I drove you to that. You hurt me at a time when I was insecure and didn't know what to do. While you were gone those few days after that, I needed someone to talk to. So I talked to Rachel at work. She had just went through a nasty divorce and figured she would know how I feel. The problem was she convinced me that if a man cheats once, it is certain that he will do it again, and that you were seeking something in Barbara that I didn't give you."

"Lisa, that is complete bullshit! You know me! You know I don't lie and you know how I felt about all of it. I felt bad enough to let you get your revenge so we could move on. I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want to lose what we had. I figured maybe a week and then we would move on. But, no! You let it go on for a fucking month and destroyed me! How could you be so stupid? How could you listen to her about me?" I yelled back.

"I let her convince me that if we wanted to stay together then I need to punish you to an inch of your sanity. So, that's what I did. Honey, I was confused, angry, hurt, betrayed, devastated and ultimately too stupid to hang on to you. She just went through a cheating spouse and I thought she was giving me good advice. I thought she was my friend. Joe, I didn't know what to do! I knew I didn't want a divorce but I knew that my heart was aching and I didn't want to trust it. Baby, when you left, I realized what I already suspected, and should have listened to my heart. I knew that Rachel wasn't really my friend. She just wanted to lash out her pain on any man she could. If it makes any difference, she was missing some teeth the day after you left. I knew then what a horrible mistake I made. I'm not blaming Rachel for this. It was my decision what to do. At that point the only thing that mattered to me was making you feel like I did. I didn't talk to my friend about it; I alienated him and made him feel worse than I ever did. I drove my friend away. And I promised myself that I would never disregard what my heart tells me from that day forward. That is why I have been waiting for you. My heart! My head told me I don't deserve to be happy and my heart tells me that you are the only one that can complete me. That is why I didn't move on.

"That is still a stupid, lame fucking excuse, Lisa."

"I know, and I was a stupid, lame fucking woman. I am working hard on changing that."

"You have no idea what that has done to my life." I shook my head.

"That's what I am trying to find out, you jerk. Talk to me! I am your friend Joe! This isn't about my love interests or reconciliation, this is about you! What is going on with you?" She insisted.

"YOU RUINED MY LIFE! THAT'S WHATS GOING ON WITH ME!" I screamed. I looked up and took a deep breath and lowered my head, I had to calm down.

"Lisa. You are everything to me! You have no idea what my own fuck up done to me. I hurt so deep because I know it hurts you! I never wanted to hurt you. I agreed to your revenge because I thought it would be a one or two day thing and we could work this out. I didn't want to lose you, Lisa. But when you put me through a month of fucking Rob everyday, not talking to me, apparently not loving me I was losing my mind."

"I did and DO love you Joe! Don't ever tell me I didn't love you..." She interrupted.

"Shut the hell up and let me finish. It's my turn now! Then when I saw him sleeping in my spot next to you, where I should have been, that was it! That destroyed me. I didn't care anymore because if you would do that to me then you must not care either. I never wanted to see you again. That's why I left you everything...even my 401k. So it would be no contest and I wouldn't have to come back and see you, even if it was for 5 minutes. I wanted to get over you. 

But when we had that talk on the phone I knew that that would never happen. That I loved you so much, but I also hated you. I hated that you made me feel this way. I hated that I trusted you with my heart and it meant nothing to you."

"Joe, you're heart is everything..."

"Lisa, one more word and I'm gonna bust you right in the mouth! I said shut the fuck up!" I think she believed me.

"But, still, the fact remains, I DO love you, terribly. So, after the papers were signed I was depressed and needed to do something. So I joined the gym 3 days a week and the other 2 days I took dance lessons. That's where I met Trisha. She was the dance instructor. After a while we went out and started seeing each other as friends with benefits. Months later we noticed that we were exclusive but was never a confessed formal thing. Things were going great until Dad had the heart attack. I told her she didn't have to but she insisted on going to help mom and me."

"She sounds like a wonderful woman." She said on a flat note.

"She really is, Lisa. Anyway, I was feeling like a low-life for not spending more time with Dad in his latter years and I took him for granted." I started crying and she crawled over to me and hugged me. "I got to talk to him and watch him die." I pulled her chin off my shoulder and looked at her. "His dying words were telling me not to let pride destroy me. That you were back in town and basically I should get back with you. He died minutes later and I miss him so much. I want to talk to him so bad, right now."

"Anyway, Trisha dumped me as soon as we got home."

"Why?" She asked.

"Because of you!" I said matter of fact. "She saw our picture at Fat Tuesday; she saw the way we looked at each other at the funeral. She knew you still wanted me and she could tell there were still feelings for you. She said she wanted a man that would look at her like I did you and she felt I would never see her the way I see you and that I should go back to you! It seemed like the whole world had gone insane except for me. So, obviously I stopped the dance lessons and put those 2 days in the gym. I had so much frustration and pain that I tried to work it out in the gym for a few hours a day, as you can tell. But I over did it one day and pulled a hamstring muscle on the squats and I was benched for a few months. I got restless and bought the 'bitch'. I had it customized and started riding with Matt and his buddies. Soon they were my buddies too and we rode all over the country. I went wild and fucked every girl that would spread their legs for me. That went on for a year and I thought that I was happy because I didn't think about you when I was with those sluts. All was well until Trisha knocked on the door last week and got upset seeing me just finishing fucking two women. I chased after her and told her to go to hell and she had no right to be upset about anything. She left me! The problem was that when I seen her all of the pain, frustration, anger, rage, love and every other emotion came back at one time and I was pissed about it! I kicked the women out and went to see Matt at the bar. That's when a Christian biker started in on me about being saved and knowing God. So I was arrested for assault. I broke his jaw and cheek and warned him not to ever mention God to me again. I blame God for what I am going through. All I wanted was to go back to before I fucked up with Barbara and still be with you.