65 comments/ 59882 views/ 14 favorites That Which We Call a Rose By: GaryAPB I've been away too long, a busy life has dragged me away. But just to let you all know that I am still alive and kicking, here is a simple little story. No sex in this one. ----- I was sitting at the bar of the Holiday Inn in Eindhoven, Holland. It was about 9:30 on a Thursday evening in November and I'd just come out of the restaurant, and was sipping my beer and watching the world go by. A guy came and sat on the next bar stool, I glanced his way. He looked the average travelling businessman. More handsome than many I had to admit. I would guess he was a couple of years younger than me and probably an inch taller, which would make him around 32 or 33 and 6'1". The really sickening thing was that he was not only about 50 pounds lighter than me, but he was one of those slim loose limbed individuals who can wear rags and make them look Savile Row. I used to be like that once, but in the last few years I've spent too many evenings in the bar, too many beers on those evenings, and too much fast food when I needed to eat, so I wasn't loose limbed and graceful anymore. I went back to staring at my beer and wondering if I was brave enough to tell my boss exactly what he could do with his job when I gave him my trip report on Monday morning. And whether giving up this job would be the first step towards building a new life that I so desperately needed. Damn bloody Dominic Taylor, that was the name she'd said, that was the name of the man she was about to marry. That was the name of the man who had dashed any hopes I had for happiness. But then my neighbour caught my ear: "Just for change, Dunk, I'll have a beer this evening" he said cheerfully to the barman. The barman smiled, "Just for a change!" and he drew a glass of amber liquid and placed it in front of my neighbour. "And just for a change you want it on your room tab, Sir?" I could hear the nasal twang of Australia in Dunk's voice. "Why not? Just for a change!" said my neighbour. I turned to him, "You're a regular then?" He turned to me, "I have been. Every other week for the last two months, but this is my last week. How about you? I haven't seen you in here before." "No I usually stay in the Crowne. I have done for one night every four months for eight years. So I thought I'd stay here - just for a change." I replied, with emphasis to echo his phrase. He smiled at my acknowledgement of his little joke. "One night every four months for eight years? It sounds as if the change was long overdue. What do you do that brings you here on that sort of routine? My name's Nick, by the way." And he held out his hand. I shook his hand, "Thomas." I introduced myself. We both sipped our beers, and then I answered his question, "Street furniture. I work for a manufacturer of street furniture. Lamp posts, traffic signs, traffic lights, you name it. It's a pretty basic commodity and the orders are fairly steady, but every now and then there is a big project. We have to look after our clients, who are usually local councils and road contractors, and my patch is Holland; Germany, that's the big one; and Belgium. So once a month I come over from London for a week. The first month it's North Germany, next month it's Holland, next it's back for South Germany, and then Belgium in the fourth month and I'm back to the cycle with North Germany after that. One day in a big city, part schmoozing, part telling them what we've got coming up and checking on their thinking, and the next day onto the next city. Today it was Breda and tomorrow it will be here in Eindhoven. What about you?" "I'm in computers. I've been installing a system here. But the client has accepted it, all the training is done, so my job's finished and its over to the maintenance and client support people from Monday." He paused and looked at me, "I've only been doing it for a couple of months, I don't think I could do it for eight years, I guess you enjoy it." I smiled and shook my head, "I used to, but I think I've just about got to the end of the road." I drained my glass, and caught the barman's eye as I pushed my glass forward. As Dunk took it I glanced around at my new friend, he was staring at a pretty girl, blonde about 25, who was sitting reading a paperback in the corner. I knew what he was thinking; there was a time in my life when I'd have been thinking it too. I turned back as Dunk delivered my new glass of beer. He looked at Nick and noted where Nick was staring, and then glanced at me with a knowing look. "And another one for you Sir?" He asked crisply, demanding that Nick take his eye off the girl. "Oh! Er...Yes please, Dunk." And Nick turned to me, obviously trying to gather his thoughts before he had been distracted, "Had enough then? Time for a change?" I smiled wryly, "I should never have started. Accepting this job was the biggest mistake of my life. But I thoroughly enjoyed it for the first five years. Once a month I had a week away from home, good hotels and travelling on expenses, the taste of another life. Great. For the last three years I just haven't had the will-power to actually quit." Nick was still surreptitiously glancing at the girl. Dunk returned and stood squarely at the bar looking at Nick, "Are they giving you a leaving party tomorrow, Sir? Or are you sneaking away back to your girl? After last weekend you two must have plenty to plan and talk about." Nick turned and looked at Dunk , and then he smiled sheepishly, "I think it's my big weekend last week that might be making me want to forget about it for a couple of hours tonight." I didn't understand this conversation, but I could hazard a guess, and it was obvious that Dunk didn't want Nick to stray tonight. Dunk looked at me and there was urgent desperation in his eyes, "Why don't you tell him your story of travelling, Sir?" and then he turned back to Nick, "You should listen to this tale, I can recommend it." Nick looked at Dunk and then at me, "I thought this was your first night here. Do you know Dunk from somewhere?" Dunk was looking at me with even greater desperation, so I said, "Sure. Didn't you know that Duncan did a spell behind the bar of the Crowne before he came here?" I lied, praying that Dunk was a Duncan. Dunk smiled with relief, and Nick seemed to accept both my explanation and his fate, and he sat back on his stool. He sipped his beer and then looked at me, "OK, so what's the story?" I sipped my beer, and I wondered if I was meant to make something up to put him off chatting up girls in bars. Maybe I should make up some story where I declare myself HIV positive or something and all the result of picking up a girl in some bar. But actually my true story might work and at least keep his attention long enough for the temptation to go up to her room or for her boyfriend to arrive or something. I took another sip, and turned to Nick and smiled, "My story is returning from a trip like this three years ago, only it was from Belgium and it was in September. I was 33 years old; I had been married about seven years by then to the most beautiful, sexy and intelligent girl in the world. I adored her." I paused and smiled, thinking of Penny, and took another sip of beer, "I'd had a pretty good bachelorhood, quite a few notches on my bed post, and then I'd met the girl of my dreams, and God, had I fallen? She was my one and only true love, she still is I guess. And by luck she'd fallen in love with me. We had a really wonderful seven years. Two years into it I'd been promoted to this job, and I was travelling one week every month on expenses, and I was loving it. Everything in my garden was rosy, very rosy. I was earning good money, so was she. We were agreed that we'd move soon from our apartment. It was a nice place, right in the centre of Winchester, if you know Winchester." Nick nodded his head in some vague acknowledgement that he had at least heard of the place, "Anyway, we planned to move to something a bit more family orientated out in the country and then start a family. We were even agreed that we wanted the first one to be a boy, then a girl and number three could be pot luck." "How old was she?" He asked, probably for no reason other than to keep the story flowing. "Five years younger than me, so she was 28 at the time all this happened. She was 21 when I married her and I was 26, and it was the right time for me to settle down. And so I was 33 when my story took place." "So what happened?" "Well I've told you how much I liked doing this job in those early years. But there was a time when I really wondered if I should give it up. I knew that Penny, my wife, seemed to be having some worries or doubts about it. But, as I say, I was enjoying it, so I told her that I loved her, that she was the only girl for me and that she had absolutely no need to worry about me and she had absolutely no reason to doubt me. I reminded her that we needed the money, and that I enjoyed the job and the career opportunity." I paused to look at Nick, "I guess she had been a bit nervous and stressed about it all for a couple of months, and maybe I wasn't sensitive enough to her needs and whatever she was thinking." Nick smiled reassuringly, "What man ever knows what a woman is thinking?" I smiled, "Well, on the fateful night I got a good flight for once, and we landed a bit early. Everything went perfectly. I came out of the terminal and for once there was a car park bus waiting. My car was actually in the bay next to the bus stop. I even got a clear run home, which was unheard of on a Friday night. So I guess I was probably home just a bit early, about 9:00 in the evening. And guess what? There was a BMW on my drive that I didn't recognise. Husband comes home early and you can guess what I found." His eyes started flickering towards the girl again, I was losing him. It was too clichéd a story. But he was still talking to me, "I'm sorry, that must be horrid. Did you actually catch them in bed? I can't think of anything much worse." "No, thank God. I was at least spared that. As I came in through the front door, they were in the hall. She was completely naked, he was dressed and they were just having their farewell kiss. My stomach heaved at the sight. It still surprises me that I didn't actually throw up all over the hall carpet." Nick was still watching the girl, and he began to stand. I looked around at Dunk who was heading our way. In desperation, I actually put my hand up on his shoulder and gently pushed Nick back down on his seat and said "You should hear this, it gets better. Before you do anything, let me tell you I know what it feels like to be betrayed by the one you love, and it is the most gut wrenching pain anyone could ever feel. If you've got a girl back home, then think twice. Let me buy you another beer or a whisky if you like." Dunk took our glasses and said very clearly "What will you have, Gentleman?" Nick sat back, defeated, "Just another beer, please Dunk." And I nodded. I waited for our beers, just buying time really. When they were served, I started, "Let me tell it as best I can remember in our actual words......." ------ Lover boy glanced round as I came through the door and said "Fuck! I knew we shouldn't have had that third time. Sorry Babe; gotta fly." And he did, straight out of the open front door. I'd like to say I had the presence of mind to trip him up, or knee him in the balls or something, but I didn't. I hardly saw him leave. All I could look at was my darling wife. She stood there, naked, lipstick smudged, hair tousled and a mess. The image of a well fucked woman. She sort of cringed before me, tears welling up in her eyes and her lips quivering. I fell against the wall, leaning on it heavily for support. I just stared at her, no words seemed to come. She found herself before I recovered. She just quietly said "I'm sorry Tom." and turned and walked upstairs. I don't know how long I just stood there, leaning against the wall, but eventually I found my way to the kitchen and a glass of water. I was sitting at the kitchen table when Penny came down and found me. She had obviously showered and was now dressed, in a simple sweatshirt and jeans. "I'm sorry Tom. For all the world I wish ... I wish you hadn't had to see that. I wish today wasn't happening. I really do. I'm sorry." She came and knelt at my side. I looked at her, "I loved you, Penny. I loved you with all my heart. And you betray me. You betray us. How could you? ...... Why Penny? Why?" Now she was crying, "Oh! I've asked Why so many times. What was wrong with me? I don't know, Tom. I don't know. I wish I did." She crumpled and collapsed downward in defeat. As she crumpled downwards I felt my anger rise upwards, "You fucking whore.... you slut... How could you? I loved you, you were my life and I come home to this....... You whore. You immoral little whore." And as suddenly as the anger came now tears took over. I sat there on the kitchen chair sobbing like a baby, everything was lost. There was no way back. I couldn't accept her screwing around on me. I loved her, but she had to be all mine or not at all. Eventually I calmed down, and looked at my once loving wife. "You fucking cow! I thought we were happy. I thought we were on course. A couple of years of you still working, getting our finances right, and then children" I paused "Thank God we never got as far as actually having kids. I wouldn't want kids with you. Not now. No child of mine will have a slut like you for a mother." Penny looked up at me, "I'm sorry, Tom....... Oh God! You have no idea how much I loved you. What I've been through these past few weeks. Finding that I need a guy like James. I really am so sorry." "Sorry? Sorry for fucking what? Sorry you were caught? Sorry for pissing all over our marriage? Sorry for declaring to the world that my love was not enough? What are you sorry for Penny?" I paused and then added in bitter defeat, "You're not sorry for any of it." Her blue eyes, the eyes that once had told me that I'd found the love of my life, looked at me, searching my face, and filled with tears. Suddenly a thought struck me, "How long's this been going on? There's been a change in you for the last three months, maybe more. I tried to ignore it, to just make you feel safe and loved. I thought that was all I had to do, because our love, our marriage was so strong. I never actually doubted you. God! What a fool I've been. It was you slowly and carefully killing everything we ever had; wasn't it? You and Loverboy. What's his name, Penny, and how long? "I told you his name. That was James you saw, but I only met him on Wednesday. Let's talk, Tom, we need to be honest with each other and talk. Let me at least try to help you understand. Let me get a bottle of wine and let's talk." She'd only known him since Wednesday and he's screwing her in some triple fuck marathon on Friday? I've only done it with her three times in one day about ten times in seven years! And if she's only known him since Wednesday, how many others have there been in the last three months, while I've been the loving and supporting husband, giving her reassurance of my love and commitment whenever I thought she needed it? I stood up, "Talk? What about? How you need more than me? How he's a better lover than me? How our marriage vows don't mean a damn? What are we going to talk about, Penny? What's the motion for debate on nights like this? Prick sizes? Nymphomania? The pain and hurt of adultery? The lack of respect? The female ego? That sex and love are different things? What shall we talk about, Penny? You tell me." There was an empty silence between us, which eventually I filled, "I assume you had your little fuck fest in our bedroom. In our bed. So I'll be in the guest room. I'm certainly not sleeping in what used to be our bed ever again." "Please Tom; please let me come to you there. It needn't make any difference between us. I can still make you feel loved and wanted. It'll be good I promise. Let's at least try to put it together. Let's give ourselves and our marriage a chance, let's accept who we are and what we've done and build a new life. Please Tom, it isn't meant to end like this. I don't want this and I hope you don't." I stood and walked out "You must be fucking joking." I went into the dining room where there was a decanter of my best whisky and a glass. As I came out carrying them and walking towards the stairs Penny came out of the kitchen and just stood and watched me. I looked at her with disgust, "Why Penny? Why? Wasn't I good enough for you?" And I went upstairs to the guest suite. ----- I took a sip of my beer and looked at Nick. He looked horrified. "What had happened to her? Was it some mental breakdown? Why would a good and loving woman suddenly turn into some sick and sad nympho? You poor guy. Did you stay and get her help or just walk out? I wouldn't blame you for just walking away." I smiled, "All I did that night was go to the guest room with my whisky and sit on the bed and drink. It's not a good solution, and actually it doesn't work. I must have drunk the best part of three quarters of a bottle. If I tried doing that tonight, I'd be passed out and on the floor long before I got that far. But that night, I sat there and it was like water. It certainly didn't block out the thoughts; the questions; the images of my beautiful Penny with other men. I imagined tall men, short men, hairy men, smooth men, older than me, younger than me, just men. Men with cocks, all and every one of them fucking my wife." I took a long draught of beer and pushed my glass at Dunk who refilled it and gave Nick a fresh one queuing. "You know until that moment, that night, I'd never imagined my wife with any other man. She loved me; she'd given herself to me; she'd pledged herself to me in Church for God's sake. Suddenly she was sharing herself with others. She wasn't all mine anymore. She wasn't the girl I'd loved and wanted to grow old with." I turned and looked at him, "Nick isn't it?" He nodded, "Well, Nick. If you take anything from my story, take this. Don't ever make anyone feel what I felt that night. It was a sheer hell of emotions. No one deserves to go through what I went through that night." I sipped my beer and looked at all the bottles displayed behind the bar. "You know, when stressed three quarters of a bottle of whisky might not make you drunk, but it can still give you one hell of a hangover the next morning. I don't know when I fell asleep, but I woke up at about eleven o'clock the next morning. And God did I feel rough?" "So what happened?" Nick asked. I smiled that I now had his attention; he was sitting listening, "Well...." ----- I came out of the guest suite after drinking about three glasses of water. I sort of stumbled into the kitchen, and there she was, the Mrs-fuck-up-your-life-forever-Wife. She didn't say anything, but she poured me a mug of coffee. As I took it and sipped, and that first sip made my stomach heave, she said "I'm sorry, Tom. I know this must be the most dreadful shock to you, but we do have to talk. I've learned a lot about myself in the last few months, and not all of it is very nice. Nothing seems to be what I thought. But we do have lives to live; the world hasn't come to an end for either of us." I think I just looked at her, I think I was about to launch into another diatribe of just what I thought of her at that moment, when her sheer beauty hit me. She looked good, and she looked as if she cared. There was both love and sadness in her eyes. And I just sort of crumpled onto a chair at the table. Just like the night before, she crouched at my side, "We need to talk, but you aren't fit for that yet. You are still hurt and shocked and plain hung over." She paused to check that I was listening to her, "Look, I'm going to Mum and Dad's; I need to tell them some of where we are. I may need them in the coming weeks. Why don't you get some more rest, and some food inside of you and a shower and change of clothes while I'm gone. I'll be back at about eight o'clock this evening and we can talk then." That Which We Call a Rose She leaned in and gave me a kiss, just gently on the cheek and she stood up and was gone. ----- I smiled at Nick, "At that moment I thought she was the most cold-hearted bitch I could ever think of. She's just screwed up our marriage, and now she's off around to Mummy and Daddy's for Saturday lunch and to book her old bedroom, just in case she needs it. And at that moment I was thinking that she would most definitely need it." Nick looked at me, "I feel there's a But coming..." I smiled, "Well I hate to admit it, but she was right. I went back to bed and just slept for about 4 hours. Then I got up and drank a full carton of orange juice and showered. And I did feel better. A breath of fresh air and something to eat seemed to be calling." I paused and looked at him, half smiling; then I asked, "Do you know that a quarter pounder, large fries and a Coke actually can taste good? Well it does if it's the day after your wife has washed your loving marriage into the history books." Nick smiled and added, "The age of miracles has not passed..." And I continued, "I remember sitting at that table in that burger joint, and suddenly the enormity of having to face the end of my marriage hit me. Suddenly I didn't know what to think, I didn't know whether to walk out or stay and fight for some reconciliation. After that I just walked, don't ask me where, just the streets. I had my head down and I was just thinking. I'm not some plastered saint. I told you I'd had a pretty good time before I was married." I looked around at the blonde, "And I saw you, you were fancying your luck there tonight. Being wanted by someone feels good. Sex feels good. But I thought that Penny was mine, all mine." Nick looked a little sheepish, "I know I shouldn't. I've got a fabulous girl at home. My Polly. You had Penny, I've got Polly. I've known her for about six months, and last Saturday I proposed and she said Yes. I think a week away by myself and it's made me a bit nervous. I know I love her so much, but it's an awfully big commitment and I was thinking maybe just one last time...." He paused, and looked round at me, "So what happened when she got home?" ----- I had been sitting in my chair for the last hour, waiting to hear her come home and promising myself that I'd remain in control. If anything I wanted to enjoy what maybe the last few moments of our marriage. I wanted her to see how she had betrayed us, how she'd destroyed a great love. Let her know that she was losing a great husband. Let her feel some of the pain that I feel. I wanted at least some moral victory out of this mess. And then I heard the front door open. And a minute later Penny was sitting opposite me on the sofa. "Tom, before we start, I want a promise from you. I'll tell you the truth, the absolute truth, about me and about what I've discovered about myself and our marriage in the last few months, but you must be honest with me. I don't want you saying things just to protect my feelings. I know you're hurt and shocked. I know we are probably at the end. I still cling to a hope that somehow we can build something out of this. Something that accepts the new me and what I've experienced in these last few weeks, and with honesty and the right commitment maybe we can build something new and better. But I know you are very hurt and think it's all my fault. But promise me, you'll tell the truth of how you feel about all that's happened and all that's been said and done. Please." I nodded. "So where do you want to start? You can ask me anything you like, Tom." I felt myself to be close to tears, and I swallowed them back, I didn't want to cry, I wanted her to cry. "I guess I want to know who, and for how long and why, Penny, why?" "Well, you've already said that you've noticed that something was wrong for the last few months. Well I guess that's about right for the time when I've been doing something actively. But under the surface it's being going on a lot longer than that, only I didn't really know it, I didn't recognise it for what it was. I've been living a lie for years." She looked straight into my eyes, "I haven't been truthful with you, Tom. Not about me, about my life, about some of the things I've found out about me. There's been too many lies, Tom. James was just the end of the line. I told you I only met him for the first time on Wednesday." "Where did you meet him? At work? Commuting? Where?" She smiled, "Would you believe on the Internet? He had a personal advert up, and I contacted him. I thought he looked the right type." I could feel my anger and shock rise, "You approached him because you thought he looked the right type? What looked right to you? The size of his cock? The size of his bank balance? What looked right to you, Penny?" "No. He was the right age. He said he was a struggling actor, and he was up for escort work." Now I was losing it, "Escort! He was a bloody gigolo? He fucks for money? And you were willing to pay him?" "Yes to all three. But I didn't pay him to fuck me." "Oh No? What does he do? Charge for wining and dining you, but the fucks are for free? That's splitting a very fine hair." She sat back on the sofa. I could see that something had changed. Then she asked, "Tell me Tom, when was the last time you got back from one of your trips when you haven't fucked some girl you picked up somewhere?" I was shocked. Where the Hell did that come from? "What are you talking about?" I paused, my mind running over a myriad of possibilities, "Is that what this is all about? Is that why you've decided to turn yourself into a slut? You think I have been screwing around on you when I'm away?" I paused to look at her, let her read my eyes, "I promise you Penny, on everything that's holy: I have never ever been unfaithful to you and our marriage. Not for a single moment of our seven years." I sat back, satisfied with myself that for the umpteenth time I'd reassured her on that silly idea. "I know for the last few months you have been insecure. I guess that's natural with a husband that travels, but I've told you how much I love you, how much I need you, and how no other girl could come close to you for me. I've never strayed. And in the last few weeks, when you've seemed so uptight, so nervous, I've told you that even more often than usual. Because I wanted you to know just how I idolise you and you seemed to be needing some extra security. Please don't tell me that you think I could ever betray you." I paused before I added, bitterly and angrily, "But you decided to screw around despite how much our marriage means to me." I paused; I knew we were at the end, "I want a divorce, Penny. I want out of here." "It was just sex, Tom. James didn't mean anything. Have you any idea how much I loved you, or even how much I love you right now? It doesn't matter whether I screwed James, or anyone else. That wasn't about us. You were away, and so maybe I got some sex..... Well, it wasn't about our marriage, our love. I didn't get love, I didn't betray us. It was just sex." "You fucking cow! It was just sex? They didn't mean anything? Don't our wedding vows mean anything to you? There's no such thing as just sex. Sex means you are sharing your time, your body and your emotions with someone else. I mean it Penny, I want a divorce." There was a long pause and I saw her shoulders drop. "OK, Tom. You win. Have it your way." And she did have tears running down her cheeks. She was broken at last, and I had my victory. "I guess it's inevitable. We are at the end." She said quietly. There was a silence between us as we absorbed the enormity of where we were. Penny was wiping her eyes and blowing her nose. "You should know, Tom, I paid James for his acting ability." Her voice was strangely cold and calm, "I didn't screw him. Not once. I kissed him; I had to, it was part of the scene. We'd sat here on the sofa, waiting to hear your car. I was embarrassingly naked, but that was necessary as well. But when we heard you we got ourselves into position for you to come through the door and find us." She turned to me, her eyes were blazing, "I wanted revenge. I wanted you to have just one day of what I've been suffering for the last few months. It hurts, doesn't it, Tom? To think that your loving spouse is sharing their body, their sexuality, their love and intimacy with some stranger. That they have so little respect for you and so little need of your love." Her hand went behind the cushion, and suddenly there was a photograph in front of me, "Lizzie, the Golden Tulip Hotel, Ostend on Tuesday." She pushed another photograph in front of me, "Sarah and you in the bar of the Marriott in Ghent on Thursday. Just two days ago, Tom." And then another, "Stuttgart, last month. This was Gabriele who you met on Reception of the Holiday Inn on the Wednesday of your week in Germany. You took her to the local Chinese before you took her back to room 412 to fuck her for the night." She threw another three photos at me, "Some other reminders of you being totally faithful to me from Germany and Holland. If you want actual reminders of their names or the dates then do ask, I've got it recorded here. And I haven't been able to document every time from the past I don't know how many years. The furthest I can go back is the barman of the Golden Tulip in Breda for July two years ago when he distinctly remembers you picking up two girls in his bar that night. It apparently cost you three bottles of champagne, but you managed it. Was that on expenses or did I inadvertently pay for fifty percent of that night of you faithfully honouring our wedding vows?" How did she know? How did she find out? What mistake did I make? Is that what all this weekend is about? Oh Fuck! Suddenly my world was crashing before me, "How did you...? Oh God! I'm so sorry Penny, I never meant... They didn't mean... It was just...." "Just what, Tom? Come on, finish the sentence. It was just what...?" She had the light of vindictive victory in her eyes, but I wouldn't give her the pleasure, the word sex wouldn't pass my lips. "It was just my stupid male ego." I improvised, "I do love you Penny. You've got to believe me." The look of victory didn't leave her eyes, but then suddenly it changed, to one of cold contempt, "Like I've got to believe that you've never been unfaithful to me? Because every word you say to me is true and honest and trustworthy?" All I could say was "I never wanted to hurt you...." "So you looked deeply into my eyes and lied. Time after time, and without any conscience. You betrayed our marriage; you had so little respect for me that you thought you could treat me anyway you liked? Is that it? She's just a wife; I don't have to care about her. I don't have to take seriously my promises to her. I can lie and cheat and none of it matters. Is that it Tom? Does that describe the thinking of the miserable little cheating toad that I've been married to for seven years?" There were tears pouring down her face, but her eyes were blazing. She stood over me, and I wanted to curl into a ball and shut out the world. Please God, please take this pain away. Please take this truth away. This reality hurts. "Why Tom? Why? Last night you asked me why you'd found me with James and I said I wanted to know that too. So tell me Tom, why was I brought to the point of hating you, of feeling destroyed, of wanting to make you feel just a little bit of the hurt you caused me? I loved you Tom. You were my life. My life was devoted to a miserable little ...." Her voice was choking with passion and she paused to find the word, "...not man, you aren't a man. Not a real one. You're just an ugly slimy growth on the backside of humanity." Again she paused, "Oh, and by the way, talking of you being a Man, Sabine the hotel waitress in Dusseldorf that you screwed? She told all her workmates that it wasn't worth it, you were really too drunk to manage much. Apparently you were a big disappointment. Think about all the times you've stayed there since, and her workmates have served you breakfast and laughed at you." Penny sat down; I stayed curled up with the pain of the truth. "Nothing to say, Tom? Surely you can think of some lie that you might try. Some meaningless promise. Some final nail in the coffin of our marriage." She paused and I could feel her eyes, full of hatred, boring into me, "I loved you Tom. Now I feel disgusted by you. I'm going to bed now. Tomorrow I'm moving back to Mummy and Daddy's. You'll hear from my solicitor in due course." And she stood and headed for the door. Just as she got there I asked, "How? How did you find out?" She turned back, "You know that, I told you at the time. Louise from Leipzig phoned your office for you and for some reason they gave her our home number. I told you that I had a message from her and that you needed to phone her boss, and I asked you who she was. And you told me she worked for a major road builder over there and that there was an urgent problem with some delivery. More of your lies. In fact I had a long conversation with her. You had told her I'd left you, I had run off with my lover, leaving you heartbroken and in need of a woman's comfort. That was your chat up line that night, poor betrayed Tom. I couldn't believe it, I didn't believe it. She must be some fantasist, some sick stalker. I gently asked you, and I got all the right reassurances, all the right promises. But doubt and suspicion had crept in." "I'm sorry Penny. I do love you. Please Penny, please..." "I don't really care about that, not anymore. If you had regretted it you could have stopped anytime. You could have changed your job. We didn't need the money so much it was worth destroying our marriage over. But you were loving it, your double life." A thought struck me, "You had me followed? You must have done to know all you do, the photographs..." "You forget what Daddy does. The Foreign Office? All he had to do was phone a few embassies and a few consulates. There was always someone willing to do a favour for an old and senior colleague back in Whitehall; if you're in an embassy abroad well you can never have too many friends back in Whitehall. And it was easy for one of them to be sitting in the bar with a camera phone in all the hotels you stay at. And some chatted to the barman about your exploits, which is how we could trace back over the past years. You're well known to too many barmen, Tom." And then she was gone. ----- Nick looked at me, "Was it true that you screwed around on your trips? But you were married, and married to a girl you loved and who loved you. There was nothing wrong in your marriage, no excuse." "Yes it's true. It started about eighteen months into this job. I was sitting at a bar just like this, and a girl came and sat next to me. And she fancied me. To be honest she threw herself at me. Later I found out that she'd just been left standing at the altar on the previous weekend, and her fiancé had deserted her, she was pretty screwed up. But anyway, I succumbed and we went up to her room." I took a sip of beer, and I looked at Nick and smiled, "It was great. It was fucking marvellous. I'd only been with Penny for the past few years, and suddenly I had all the excitement of a new girl. I was a bachelor again. I could still do it; I could still pull a woman." I paused, "But in the morning I was eaten up by guilt. I promise you I hardly slept for the next two nights, so sure was I of how evil I had been. But I got home and I put a brave face on it, and Penny never suspected a thing. She was as happy and as loving and as trusting as always. After that it was easy. It became a matter of pride, at least once on every trip. In truth there were 5 trips when I didn't make it. But there were seven trips when I've managed it twice including that last fateful trip to Belgium, so I reckoned I was up on the deal. And, as Penny had found out, there was the one memorable night of two girls in my bed." Again I paused and looked at Nick; I could read the disgust in his eyes, "Don't look at me like that. You were thinking those thoughts when you were looking at that blond. Don't deny it." He looked shamefaced, "No, you're right. I was thinking about it when I saw that blond. But I've got my Polly and I'm engaged now. I guess that's what's made me think .... you know, just one last time." He straightened himself on his stool, "So finish your story, what happened, did she divorce you?" "I'll get to that. But I tell you, Nick, I have never been more lonely than I was that night in the guest bedroom. Suddenly the fun of my secret life wasn't fun anymore. I was on the brink of losing the one thing in my life that really made living worthwhile. And it was all my own silly fault. Those girls, and there had been about 50 of them, certainly more than 40, and they meant absolutely nothing to me. Most of them had been fun for the evening, but not even all of them had been that. Some of them had been really disappointing. But even the night with the best of them wasn't worth one loving evening at home sitting on the sofa watching television with Penny. Let alone sex." I sipped my beer before I continued, "And then it began to dawn on me, exactly what she'd intended by her little scene with that bloody James. I remembered my own emotions, my own pain and hurt on the Friday night when I thought she'd been fucking around on me. That's what I'd made her suffer, not for one night, but for three or four months. And I looked lovingly into her eyes and reassured her of my love and faithfulness and each and every time I'd killed another bit of our marriage, of her love and respect for me." I paused again to emphasise the truth of my own foolishness. "Up until that moment my lies had been insignificant necessary evils. Just minor white lies to protect the girl I loved so much from knowing the truth about a slightly unsavoury aspect of my life, nothing more." I turned and looked at Nick, right into his eyes, "The only bit of that night which I can say has comforted me ever since is that I cried myself to sleep not with my own misery, but with the thought of what I'd done to Penny. The hurt and pain that I caused her still haunts me three years later. I still cry myself to sleep some nights as I think of what I did to her." There was a long pause while Nick absorbed what I was telling him, and then he asked, "And the next morning? Did you try to get her to forgive you?" "Oh Yes...." ----- When I woke up very early the next morning I was in a fairly determined state of mind. I showered and shaved, I really tried to make myself look at least decent for her. Then I went into the little room that we jokingly called a study. It was where our computer was. And I typed a letter of resignation from my job, effective immediately. I had to show Penny how determined I was to put things right, and I thought quitting my job had to be the first step. I would promise her that I'd go in on Monday morning, clear my desk, hand in my resignation and just walk out. Once I had printed the letter I went to find Penny. She was in our bedroom packing a suitcase. She didn't say a word; she just looked at me with sad eyes. "Please Penny..... I love you. I'm so sorry. I've been the shittiest husband in the world, I know. I'm sorry. But I do truly love you. Please....." "Go and make a couple of mugs of coffee, Tom. I'll be there in a minute." Was all she said and she went on folding a dress with tissue paper. But I saw a tear rolling down her cheek, and for some reason that gave me hope. I went to the kitchen, and I did make a couple of mugs of coffee. I laid my resignation letter squarely in the middle of the table. And I sat down and called "Coffee" She came in and sat down, "What's this?" she asked picking up my letter. That Which We Call a Rose "My resignation from the job that has been part of this problem. I'll do anything, anything at all...." I stopped as she slowly and very carefully tore my letter up into little pieces. Except for the sound of tearing paper there was absolute silence until there was a little heap of confetti on the table between us. Penny looked at it and then up at me, "A good symbol of our marriage Tom. Only it was you and not me that reduced that to unwanted waste. You can't resign; you'll need a job. You've got some big expenses to pay in the coming months." "Penny, please. I cannot imagine my life without you. I know I don't deserve you, but I'll do anything, anything at all. Counselling? A holiday? Separate bedrooms for a while? Anything you like. But please, please find some way to let me show you how sorry I am, and let's try to hold it together. Please, I beg you." She looked up, "You wanted a divorce because you thought I'd slipped once or at worst, a few times in the last three months. But I'm meant to forgive ... what? Three? Four? Five years of betrayal? Years of lies and cheating? How could you lie to me so much? I couldn't bring myself to lie to you even now, I've had to watch my words very carefully in the last two days. No, Tom. I don't want to be married to you anymore. I don't want to be married to a man like you." She sipped her coffee before she continued, "It's a problem of respect really. Respect and trust. You haven't respected me for years. Now I no longer respect you. But the worst thing is that I don't respect or trust myself anymore. I believed you when you looked into my eyes and told me that you loved me. When you told me that you had remained one hundred percent faithful, I was fool enough to believe you. It's not very nice to realise that you've been taken for a fool for years by the very person who you should be able to trust most in this world. I think I could have understood if you'd told me that you had slipped once, maybe twice. You are a very attractive man. I wouldn't have liked it, but I could understand that. What I can't live with is the lack of trust. Never knowing whether what you tell me is the truth or not. Sorry, Tom. It won't work, not for me and not ever again. I'd never know whether you were being honest, I'd never know whether I could trust you." She paused and drank some coffee. Then she leaned back in her chair, "In a couple of months I'll be 29. A year later I'll be 30 and that's my target. I loved you so much, Tom, you were my life. Being divorced from you and finding a new life is going to be very hard. But maybe I can find a decent man who actually respects me and doesn't lie to me, that's all I want really. It's going to be hard, you are a big part of my life, of my thinking, but maybe by the time I'm 30 I'll be over you and ready to find that good man and lead a decent life. I will divorce you, Tom. I don't want you as my husband anymore." "Is there nothing.... Please Penny?" Begging was all I seemed able to do. "I've lived with this for months. I didn't believe it at first. But then there was the report on your trip to Holland. I'm surprised you didn't notice the redness of my eyes from crying when you got back from there. But Hey, I thought, it might just have been a one off. But then you went to Germany the next month, and after that there was no doubting it. Didn't you even wonder why I'd taken to saying to you, as the very last thing as you left for the airport, to not do anything I wouldn't do? And this last trip I told you to remember me and to remember that I loved you, and that you should think of me if you ever got lonely. I so desperately wanted you not to do it. But it was all a waste of time. I don't know why I bothered. You not only cheated, you cheated twice on two separate days in two separate hotels. You're a cold hearted ruthless cheater Tom. That's what you are; I've had to accept that. And I'm a gullible fool; I've had to accept that too." She stood up and pushed her chair neatly under the kitchen table, "Do you know what the hardest thing was? It was Friday, when after I'd been to the solicitor to get the divorce started, I had to go to the doctor and ask for him to test me for every conceivable STI. That was humiliating." ------ Nick looked at me for a long time, he obviously saw a broken and sad man, and maybe he noticed the tear in my eye as I remembered that image of Penny as she left the kitchen that Sunday morning. His hand squeezed my arm to comfort me, "Did the divorce go straight through? Didn't you try to get her to change her mind?" I half smiled, "Of course I did. Phone calls and flowers and a couple of heartfelt letters were my weapons for about the next month. But it was useless. Eventually I backed off. I thought it better to try to become friends, then maybe one day...." "And?" Nick prompted me. "And I never let a birthday or an anniversary pass without a big bunch of flowers and a card that said I was sorry. I thought I was making progress; in the last couple of years she would phone me to thank me for the flowers. And we'd talk, not that she ever really told me much of what was going on in her life. If I wanted to talk about why we broke up, she would stop me and say that she didn't talk about it anymore to me or anyone else, it was all in the past and that was where it should stay. But last Saturday was her birthday, and I thought it might be time to try again. But not flowers this time, instead I sent her a nice birthday card that just wished her happy birthday and on Sunday evening I phoned her and suggested that I might take her out to lunch sometime this weekend coming. Not dinner, just lunch, nothing threatening. I heard her take a big breath and there was a pause, and then she said she was sorry, but she got engaged to some guy that I hadn't even known she was dating. Apparently he'd proposed when he took her to dinner on her actual birthday the night before, and this weekend coming up they were going to visit her parents to tell them. Any hope I had of getting my one true love back had just flown out of the window." I turned to Nick, he looked so sad. I smiled as bravely as I could, "It's not that sad. I got what I deserved. I made my bed, now I've got to lie in it for the rest of my life." He turned to me, "I hadn't realised how relevant your story is. I know you saw me eyeing up that blonde, and you're right, I was thinking that maybe I could get away with it. But I promise you Tom, I'll learn your lesson, I won't ever do anything like that again whilst I have my one true love waiting for me, my Polly. Thank you. Thank you so much. It must have been really painful for you to tell me your story. I promise you, I'll take it to heart." He finished his beer in one gulp and was gone. I sat and stared at my glass. What was the point? How do you rebuild a life you purposely and stupidly destroyed? I didn't know where to begin to try and find myself some happiness. Duncan picked up Nick's empty glass. "Has Mr Taylor finished for the evening?" I looked at Duncan, "Nick Taylor? Is that his name?" "Yes I think so. I've got one of his business cards back here somewhere." Duncan rummaged through a dish behind the bar full of bits and pieces, "Found it. No, we're wrong. Officially he is Dominic Taylor. I guess Nick is just a short form of Dominic. I didn't know that." I smiled wryly, "And I didn't think. Polly and Penny are both short forms of Penelope."