100 comments/ 109968 views/ 22 favorites That Damn Dog By: Mandy01 Let me qualify the statements in this story, and especially from the P.S. at the end. These are not my perception or knowledge of married life, I am not married, will never be a wife, well not to some guy at any rate. I feel like a spy in both camps, seeing the world from off to the side, uninvolved personally. I am but an amateur Anthropologist, collecting data and seeing how it all fits in to the life of the married couple. These sentiments do seem to ring true if you read and try to understand enough of the motives driving these authors. As I have read in the LW category, they are only hear-say, and read-say antidotes to the wonderfully frustrating institution of marriage. I would like to thank the males in my life for helping with gathering, collating and revising my story. I would like to especially thank Britease for his patience in helping me iron out the kinks, making it more reader friendly. Personally, I don't see what you guys have to complain about, but then again, as James says at the end, I am but female and definitely not married...lol There is no intent to slander any person, sect, race, nationality, creed, gender, or religion, and all humour, if any, at one group/s expense isn't intended to malign or disparage said group/s, but rather to take a slightly skewed if not humorous look from the other's side of the coin. No offence is meant or implied. I really do love our world and all the diversity of the creatures within it. I wouldn't be dead for quids!  Otto's saying, I had to Google quids to find out what he meant...Okay, so I'm a post-dollar girl. Lol --------------------------------------------- "Don't forget we're due at Carol and Bennie's by six tonight!" Kelly reminded me. Sorry, Let me start again! I'm James Barrymore, her husband... Kelly's that is, the wonderful loving wife I married six years ago... got the picture? Good! With irritation under my skin, I grumbled. "No problem sweetheart, I just have to drop off some technical data sheets over to Lennard before he takes off on his trip. I won't be more than an hour at most." Kelly slunk around the bedroom door, her well proportioned five foot four figure draped sensually against the open doorway, blonde hair cascading down over her shoulders, a pert creamy breast struggling to mould its C cup form against the contrasting white painted timber of the doorjamb. I noted with more than rising interest, a hint of nipple showing tantalisingly succulent, just past the edge of the frame, her fiercely bright blue eyes flashing with unbridled mischief. Sorry to break your concentration, but Kelly actually has rich auburn hair and for the life of me, I can't understand why she persists on dying it blonde. Okay, so I like blonde-hair on my women, but that doesn't mean I don't like her hair the natural way either. "That's what you always say Jim!" Sorry, that's in connection to my trip over to Lennard to drop off those papers I told her about, not her dyed hair. "I'm starting to get ready now, and I want your solemn word that you won't get caught up talking shop like you always do." Damn, now she broke my concentration on said nipple, a little bit like I did to yours just before, and Kelly noticed the exasperated look she got from me at shorting my name. It was her way of showing her displeasure and irritation. What'd you expect; I was lost in fantasyland; talk about a mood killer! "I don't know why we have to spend so much of our free time socialising with that bunch of reprobates." Kelly's eyebrow lifted in response, "And what, may ask is that suppose to mean?" I sighed but continued, "You know I have nothing in common with any of the blokes, and I feel like prey when I'm left in close quarters with any of their wives. That last barbeque here, Pam as much as made it clear that all I had to do was nod, and she would have dragged me off by the balls to our bedroom. And, another thing to consider; I didn't like the way her husband was monopolising your time either." I could see more than a hint of anger rise in those mischievous eyes at my summation of her friends, and her eyebrow rose even further in annoyance as she stiffened. "I resent you calling our friends reprobates, Jim! For the life of me, I have no idea what has gotten into you!" There she goes with the Jim shit again. To get a little more of a poke back at me, she commented, "Was my sweet little hubby jealous of Chad? Maybe if, you had taken Pam up on her invitation, you would not feel so much like an outsider. I can't believe that your ego wasn't boosted by her attention." I felt a cold chill run though me. A little oral flirting is one thing, but out an out, in your face seduction is quite another, and the annoyance reflected my response, "Are you saying that you aren't in the least bit worried that one of your best friends is hitting on me?" Kelly must have realised that she may have overstepped the mark, because the back peddling was quick smart. "No baby! That's not what I'm saying Jim. Pam is just a very touchy feely person, that's all. I'm absolutely sure that she didn't mean anything by it. Now hurry up and besides, I know just how good I am, and I know that no other females could ever compare to me. Now hurry up and get back here in time for once." Have I told you that vanity is a female trait? Yeah, it's like ego is to us males, just more expensive and labour intensive to maintain! Kelly sidled up to me as a last gesture. "Play your cards right buster and you could very well be getting lucky tonight." Running her finger lightly over my cheek, she turned seductively and sauntered off into our bedroom. My blood rose, watching, as her french-cut lace knickers swayed, and disappeared from sight. I sighed and grabbed my coat and briefcase as I headed out the door, rearranging myself as I pulled my keys from my pocket. "Damn that woman knows how to get to me!" Right from the beginning of our marriage, Kelly had decided not to work apart from some charities she volunteered for, instead, opting to be a stay at home wife, and in the near future, mother. I never mind her decision, though it did have its drawbacks. It gave her an unrealistic view of what it took to bring home an income. When I should have been feeling excited about the upcoming evening, I couldn't shake a feeling of impending doom hanging over my head. I just couldn't put my finger on it, but for the last couple of months, things just haven't been quite right in our household. ~...~ This particular shindig was at Caroline and Benjamin's place, and when we came through the house and out into the backyard, I noticed the gang of four couples huddling off in the gazebo. It may have been my overactive imagination, but they all had a conspiratorial air about them. I was relieved that there were atleast another half dozen or so other couples and some singles, so there seemed to be enough here to occupy my time without having to converse all night with, as I considered them, The Kelly Gang. It didn't surprise me in the least when Kelly steered us straight to the gazebo, wonders will never cease! A chorus of greetings followed, "Kel! Jimmy!" "Damn the pricks, they just won't give up on shortening my name!" Was my first thought and the evening hadn't even started. Nothing abrades me more than bastardising my name. Okay, I know what you're thinking, "Bugger me he's anal about his name!" Look at it this way; let's say for argument sake, that you came to my place and I asked what you would like to drink, and you said coffee. What would you expect? You'd expect to be given coffee, wouldn't you? Well, not this bunch of morons, they'll keep bringing you tea. Now if you like tea, that's not a problem, but if you're like me and you absolutely hate tea, then it's a slap in the face in my opinion. Enough said about that subject! "Good to see you got here at a respectable hour!" Was Carol's not so subtle reminder to me. Okay so I have, on a few occasions been known to be a tad late for functions, especially ones having anything to do with Kelly's gang. My face darkened, but I held my temper in check, "Carol, Ben, Pam, Chad, Liz, Norm, Sue, Mal. You all look very cosy in there?" Fuck'em all, they don't seem to care about being called by a nickname and I try hard to be amenable but sometimes it just gets my goat. Their names are actually Caroline, and Benjamin, Pamela and Chadwick, then there's Elizabeth and Norman, and bring up the rear is Suzanne and Malcolm. Ok you got me; I can probably forgive Chad, as who the fuck would want to call a child Chadwick? Chad's bad enough! Now Beth? Liz? Ebeth? EB? I don't know? Damn, that woman will answer to any name they give her. She has more variations to her name than Spaniard's have names! Nevertheless, I do understand why. You see, she only has two grey cells floating around in that neatly coiffure hair of hers, and no road map for either of them to find each other! You guessed it, she's a fucking airhead. Call her dog shit and she'd giggle at you! Pam rose to greet Kelly, "My god woman, you look good enough to eat!" Kelly giggled at the compliment. Sometimes I seriously wonder why I married Kelly. She can at times, be almost an airhead herself, and I shuddered inwardly, my feeling of negative kismet just getting stronger. Norm parted from Mal to let Kelly wriggle in. "Don't mind James, he's just a little stressed from too much work, aren't you dear?" Kelly chirped as she beckoned to me. "Come on sweetie, there's still room. Beth and Sue won't mind if you squeeze in between them." Sue shuffled across, patted the seat beside her, while Beth winked at me, and commented, "I won't bite...too hard." Then she fucking giggled again! Bloody hell, she actually did managed two thought processes at one time. I wondered, "Was she's being tutored?" Okay, I think this is about time to describe these so called friends of Kelly's, and I use the description, friends advisedly. Carol gives me the feeling that she's sitting on a branch eyeing everyone, watching for easy pickings, waiting for you to lay down somewhere. Does a vulture come to mind; well it should, because that's exactly how she looks at you! You know about Beth, the airhead, well Carol's husband Ben is her counterpart. He has a saying, which is a surprise in itself, "Use it or lose it!" Ok, so it's not exactly lengthy or thought provoking, but I get the distinct impression that's exactly why he's just all muscle! What can I say about Pam and Chad? Okay, how about this, Sleazeballs United! I'm sure they were fornicating all over each other before they got out of the pod, that's right, two peas, a marriage made in...I don't know? If it's not hell, then I'm damn sure that they'll be heading that way in the hereafter. Is my prejudice showing? Too bad! While Beth maybe an airhead, she doesn't pretend to be smart. Norman her husband thinks he's Einstein, but I can see where his thinking is a little flawed. Hell, if you hung around Beth for as long as he has, then thinking that way would have to be a given, wouldn't it? Really, his IQ is ten points below mine, and I'm certainly no genius! And that's from what I saw of a stupid test they all thought was a neat idea at the time. Mine came in at one twenty five, as I said, no genius, and Norman got a little irritable when he didn't score top of the class. 'Say la vie!' Whatever, however it's spelt, that's how I think it's pronounced... Mal's wife Sue is a motor mouth! Fair dinkum, if they had radar cameras for speech, then she'd get done, doing a ton in the school zone, and for those who don't know, around my way, that's forty kph, okay, got it, good. I keep forgetting to buy myself a pocket voice recorder, so I can play her conversation back at half speed later, just to see if there is actually some intelligence behind what she's yabbering on about ... or not, because for the life of me, I get tired just listening to the bitch. Last but certainly not least is Mal! Good ol'Mal. Let me first qualify my assessment here. I can be jovial or crack jokes; sometimes they sink like a lead balloon, or go over like a fart in a perfume factory. I have my moments though; sometimes I'm out for duck, and sometimes I can hit a century. It all depends on the crowd I'm with and how much I've had to drink. I can be romantic, especially when there's a nice set of tits and legs involved, but I do have my failures, and again it's all relative to how much alcohol I've consumed. Take our last year's anniversary for instance; I actually remembered the bastard for once, holy snapping duck shit! Can you believe that, although ask Kelly and she tell you different. I suppose it was my fault entirely for dropping into The Tavern on the way home with a half dozen long stem roses and a box of chocolates. Well, wouldn't you? I was feeling good about remembering this monumental occasion, the big fifth. Okay so I got a tad waylaid, these things happen from time to time. Now I'm lucky that I only live a couple of hundred yards down the road from The Tavern, not that that saved my sorry arse at all. They say, if you drink and drive, then you're a blood idiot! Well now I totally agree, because if I hadn't driven, then I wouldn't have sat on them bloody roses. I woke up next morning with a rose stem stapled to me arse and a head the size of a fucking watermelon. That's not the bad bit though. Fuck no! I staggered out to the car, surprised to find it actually there in the drive, along with the mates to the stem sticking to me arse laying on the ground by the driver's door. Fucked if I know where the chocolates went! Now I'm really fucked, and not the way I was planning on either. Well a bouquet of long stems with no red bulbie bits on top and no chocolates just doesn't have the same appeal, now does it? The last thing I remember is my mates slapping me on the back, felicitating me a happy day, and the fact that I remembered it...on the day, and not a bloody week later wondering why I'm in the fucking dog house. But I'm still in the dog house, aren't I. Isn't it the thought that counts? Well not to Kelly, it isn't! She decided not to understand. Man can't win for losing! Now don't go getting it in your head that I'm a piss pot, as I rarely get tanked, maybe once or twice a year, most of the time it's just one or two mid-strength stubbies and I'm right. It's just my timing I'm having a little trouble with. I can even be serious and intellectual even, but that's best done totally sober. So you see, I can change as needs be, given the atmosphere, enough time to get into character; you working with me here, know where I'm coming from? But I'm not a fucking light switch, Jesus H Christ in a handbag, Norm's worse than a woman when it come to changing his mind! So you see Mal is quite a different of kettle fish altogether, good ol'Mal the chameleon. That's right, a fucking chameleon, it doesn't matter who he's with, he takes on their persona. He blends in to the scenery, right up to a point of becoming annoying white noise. If the others are mean and nasty, then he's just as bad, but if they're nice, he can do a back flip and become nice so fast you'd get whiplash just watching him. So now you know the reasons for not wanting to be anywhere near this lot. However I digress, now where were we? Ohhh yeah, that's right, I was being lured into the lion's den! I held my hand up at the thought. "I think I'll go and get some refreshments first." Chad held up his beer can, "While you're there, another won't go astray for me either...Jimmie, me old mate!" I heard the inflection in his tone of voice and felt my hackles rise. "Steady there James, me old mate, he just goading you!" I thought to myself, so I ignored him and asked, "Anyone else need a refill while I'm there?" "Five minutes, five fucking minutes!" I mumbled to myself as I ventured over to the bar. "That's all it took, and I want to strangle every last damn one of those morons!" After bringing back the tray of drinks, I caught Liz and Sue out of the corner of my eye. They were still giggling like silly schoolgirls on a first date and patting the seat, obviously inviting me to sit. Ooops, I forgot to tell ya, these so called women aren't teenagers here. No, they're in their late twenties to early thirties, so now can you see why I think their giggling needs curtailing. Putting the tray down on the proffered seat, I took my drink up. "I just saw Franklin over there! I think I'll go see how his ski boat is coming along." Good old Franklin, lifesaver extraordinaire, no really, he is a lifesaver, you know patrols the beaches looking for damsels in distress ... or dat dress...OK lead balloon, got ya! "He should have it back in the water by now." Without giving anyone time to object, I turned, but not before seeing what looked like frustration plastered all over Kelly's face. "I'm here my dear! You've dragged the horse to water, but don't expect me to be drinking with your cronies!" I chuckled to myself; I love it when I have a win. Hey don't knock it. You would too if you saw my track record. I managed for most of the evening to avoid close quarter with any of Kelly's gang, but kept an eagle eye on her and her cohorts. Kelly was never out of sight more than five to ten minutes, although she did seem to disappear quite frequently and this annoyed me somewhat. After quietly mingling and chatting with most of the guests, Caroline cornered me next to the makeshift bar. "There you are stranger!" I turned to see Caroline topping up her glass with white wine. "Hi Carol, the party looks to be cruising along nicely!" I had to say something and that was about as innocuous a comment as I could manage on short notice, I really felt a twinge of umbrage, but managed to conceal it. I couldn't help but notice as Carol twisted and scanned the scene giving me an open view of her bust line, and if I didn't miss my guess, she can't be wearing a bra. "Yes, I think everyone's having a nice time. How about you Jim, are you having a good time?" Carol turned back to me and looked me straight in the eye, "Is something bothering you Jimmy? You seem to be a little distant today." Did I mention the thing about continually bastardising of my name? I'm sure I have, I know I've brought it up to them on several occasions. None of the arseholes seemed to care about my stand on the subject. I now just had to accept that they do not intend to give in. I'm repeating myself aren't I? Sorry. Kelly say I have a habit of it, says I get side tracked a lot too. Shut up, back to the story! With an inaudible sigh I quipped, "No! Not really Carol, why do you ask?" Realising at the very last damn minute that my question invited a fucking response that I wasn't the least bit interested in hearing. Carol chewed her bottom lip for a second. "Ohhh it's nothing really, EB just thought that maybe she had said or done something to offend you when you first arrived. She didn't mean anything by that comment about biting." Damn, that's a new one! If Beth has just got herself a new identity, I wonder if the taxation people know they're dealing with multiple identity disorder when they're dealing with Elizabeth McIntire? Come to think of it! Does Norm find himself in bed with different women every night; maybe he's not a dumb as I thought he was? Nahhh, doesn't matter how many women you think you're boffing, it's got to be a strain on you, especially if they're all sharing the same two grey cells. I studied Carol's face to see what, if anything it revealed. It didn't look like concern or even worry, but more like indecision. It's hard to tell with vultures that just look continually hungry. "No Carol, I'm fine. .........E, ahhh Beth can stop worrying! Her statement didn't upset me at all, I just feel a little uncomfortable in tight situations. Franklin has offered to take Kelly and me out water skiing after he gets his boat seaworthy. I just wanted to see if he'd finished reconditioning the motor." That Damn Dog Carol brightened considerably. Ohhh fuck! When will I ever learn to keep my big mouth shut? "Ohhh in that case there's something I just have to show you." I groaned to myself as Carol took me by the hand and almost dragged me inside the house. "Benny and I went skiing with Frank and Ivy last summer. I have photos of us in the boat. Would you like to see them?" I cursed inwardly, "Good one James, your IQ just plummeted below Beth's!" But agreed to Carol's request. "Sure! I'd love to check out the boat." As Carol opened the photo album, she sidled in close, rubbing her shoulder on my arm while flipping through the pages. I, for my part was trying to keep my distance without making it too obvious and with damn little success. I was looking every now and then out of the sliding glass door to see if I could catch Kelly's attention. She and the others weren't looking in this direction, but chatting animatedly between themselves. Every now and then Carol would bring her hand up and play with the lining of her bodice, drawing my eyes to her cleavage or touch my arm to bring my attention to a photo she was showing me. Okay, so she's a sexy vulture, with a great set of tits, so sue me! Carol made more comment on Ivy and her bikinis or lack thereof, than on the boat, they were sitting in. "Like what you see Jimmy? We had a wonderful time that weekend, skiing and lazing around getting suntanned. Maybe we can make it a weekend with all of us when Frank gets his boat back in the water?" That's when I finally backed off. Carol had her back to the glass slider as she put the album down on the coffee table, which allowed her top to fall open just a smidgeon more and giving me a little more to look at than my undies felt comfortable with. Holy shit, she's not wearing a bra! I told you how great her tits looked, didn't I? Well she was giving me the front row seat here. Now I don't care what women say about men looking at their chests instead of their faces. If they put it on display, then they can't get uppity over us staring. I know I've chipped Kelly on a couple of occasions for showing more than I felt comfortable with while out in public. Her standard response to that is, "Ohhh, I didn't know!" "Ahhhkarbullshit!" No, I don't have a cold! If I was wearing shorts and my dick was hanging out one side and my balls out the other of my pants leg. I'd---fucking---know it! When she straightened up, her left hand slid up her leg and nestled invitingly on her inner thigh making her skirt ride up ever so slightly. Her right hand was playing with the bow between her tits. "See anything else you like Jimmy? Anything you want to check out further?" Okay, what do you think I was thinking fellas? Well you're wrong! I suddenly felt like I was food! Mental note to self, "Apologise to every woman I ever gave that look to." While it might be great if you're interested, it certainly is intimidating, almost terrifying if you have no intentions of going down that road. I actually caught myself looking at Carol's cleavage and as good as it looked, I felt beads of sweat form on my forehead. I shot a glance back out the door. Kelly and the others still weren't looking this way. God damn it, never a cop around when you want one, but like women, do one god damn thing wrong and they're sitting right on your fucking arse, ready to tear you a new one! I had a distinct feeling that this was a set up, that they were waiting for something to happen. I had to admit that Carol was good at the seduction game. Nothing really overt, just subtle little movement with her hands to draw my attention. Her perfume was one I recognised; one Kelly uses all the time to drive me insane. Now that was overt! And I suddenly had to wonder if she'd got some off Kelly for this specific purpose. If it wasn't for her last remark, I could have ignored the come on and gone on with enjoying the show, but that one tore it. "Do you do this with all your guests Caroline?" Carol's face paled slightly as she dropped her hand, not expecting this particular reaction. My tone didn't sound questioning, because it was definitely wasn't, so it made her fidget with the sash around her waist. "What's that supposed to mean?" I had finally come to the end of my tether, "Don't play dumb with me Caroline, you're not Elizabeth. It seems to me that every time Kelly and I come to one of these little soirees of yours, I'm fending off advances from one or other of you women. First, it was Pam, then Sue and Liz, and now you? You all seem to think that I'm the sort of husband that will cheat on his wife. Well let me put you straight Caroline. I have no intention of dishonouring my marriage vows!" Carol seemed to shrink. "I will not cheat of my wife for anyone! That includes you and your friends, Caroline. I don't know how you interact with each other, and I don't want to know either. If you and the others truly loved your husbands, then you and they wouldn't be trying to get me to play house with them and you certainly wouldn't be doing what you did just this minute." My face was now a mask of the disgust I felt, and I strode to the sliding door and called out to my wife, "Kelly! We're leaving! NOW!" Kelly whirled around from chatting with Chad and Ben, "What? You're joking? What's the matter, it's still early sweetie! Why do we have to leave so soon?" Carol got out of the house fast and as she got up to Kelly, she shrugged. I can read lips fairly well and I saw Kelly ask, "What the hell happened?" To which, all I could tell, Caroline just shook her head and kept walking. Kelly came into the lounge and looked expectantly at me. "We're leaving, and I don't want any angst from you about it either." I growled. Kelly looked worriedly back over her shoulder out the door, and then turned back to me, "What the hell has gotten into you James! What did you say to her? Carol looked as though she was going to cry." "I doubt that very much!" I stated flatly. "I've had enough of these Stepford wives. Consider your group of adulterous affiliates off limits as far as I'm concerned! Now let's go! They make me sick." Kelly regrouped and snapped back, "James Barrymore! You take that back! They're good people, and our friends. If you've upset Carol then you better go back out there and apologise!" I looked at her with that, 'Who the fuck does she think she is' look, and then I just sneered, "Friends don't hit on their friend's husband. Good people don't act the way your so called friends are acting. I'm leaving in five! If you're not in the car by then, you can damn well walk home; ALONE!" Not that she has that far to walk, only a mile or so, but with the heels she's wearing, you can multiply that by ten, and her feet are so tender that she wouldn't even contemplate taking them off. Kelly had never seen me as angry; don't get me wrong, I can get a damn sight angrier than I was at that moment, not that she knew that, and tried a little conciliation, "Please James, there must have been a mistake. I'm sure we can work it out." I just glared at her and could hear her voice fading as strode off out the front. "James? Wait a minute...I have to get my purse and shawl. Don't go anywhere!" Kelly must have gone out back and over to her group again. Jeessus H Christ! What the hell happened to having a nice quite social evening, followed be a loving romp in the bedroom? I sat in the car and looked at my watch, two minutes twenty seven and counting. ~...~ The atmosphere in the car on the drive home was so cold there could have been icicles hanging off the rear view mirror. Neither of us said anything with my white knuckle brooding and Kelly scowling out the window deep in her own thoughts. No sooner had we stepped into our house then Kelly open fired. "Damn you James, you embarrassed me back there tonight. I can't see what all the fuss was about?" I was heading to the bedroom and stopped halfway up the staircase. "For your information my dear wife, I take a very dim view of infidelity, and I happen to value my marital vows. Carol and her cronies have tried their utmost to try and have me renege on my vows of...to forsake all others." I was starting to lose my rag and threw my arms up in disgust, "I give up. I'm going to bed before I say something that we'll both regret. Are you coming?" Shut up! I know what you're thinking. The eternal optimist right? It's a man thing, okay! Just because the party turned to shit, doesn't mean that the rest of the evening had to follow acquiescently in its wake. Kelly had other ideas though, and seemed more than a little miffed, because now her mood was severely embittered. "If you're going to bed with that attitude then you can kiss your chance of getting lucky good bye for tonight, or until you can be civil, Jimmie boy!" Okay, so I was a little unrealistic in my optimism! Have you ever seen a dog going after a bitch in heat? He keeps trying, and that bitch keeps biting his head off until she's ready. Stupid huh, and I'd be feeling just as stupid if it weren't for me being just a tad pissed at Kelly's gang for ruining my night. God must be a woman! I mean, who in their right mind gives all the appeal and bugger all drive to one and a massive drive but fuck all appeal to the other. Pretty piss poor design if you ask me. What is it about women that they just don't understand the statement, "The one you miss out on, is the one you'll never get? It's a fucking axiom for Christ sake, think about it for a second and you'll have to agree. Maybe here it might be prudent to give you a little background on my loving wife. I met Kelly about seven years ago at the races, and after a twelve-month courtship, we married, to the concern of both our parents. You see that on both sides, there'd been one or two divorces. My father caught his first wife bumping hips with their next-door neighbour, she summarily took him to the cleaners, she got a good solicitor and he got screwed. Kelly's mother Marcie has had two husbands, but unlike my father's first wife, she wasn't the one screwing around. She also got screwed over by both of them. The first managed to drink and gamble the family finances away before slithering off into the night, leaving her working three jobs to pay off debts incurred. While the second, with whom she had a son, took off with his secretary draining the bank account to pay for his getaway and never paid a cent in maintenance. One of those deadbeat dads I suppose! Kelly is the daughter of Conroy, husband number three; talk about glutton for punishment, reminds me of that damn dog! So you see, they didn't have a whole bunch of faith in love conquering all. Which makes you wonder why they went back for additional goes at it? What they did do though, was to have us sign a prenuptial, so in case the marriage did go south for one reason or another, then both sides would be protected. Neither of us wanted to think that way, being in the clutches of wondrous love and romance. All was going swimmingly right up until Kelly met up with her gang again, and I do mean, again. It appears that these cronies of hers went to school together with her; well the female ones at any rate. Kind of puts me on the outer right from the start, doesn't it. I went to school in WA, that's Western Australia for those that don't know. I got into a little altercation with know-it-all Norman, when he tried to tell me that things were big in Texas, even bigger than Queensland. What a dipshit! I asked him, "Does Texas have a coal train that's two mile long, and that's just one that only has two engines at the front, it's at Port Augusta S.A? I've seen some in Queensland that have two locos up front and two in the middle, fucking miles apart." I told him that England can fit into Queensland twelve times when it comes to land mass, and is only the second biggest state in Australia, second to WA. Kind of makes big old Texas look like nothing more than a suburban backyard! I won't bother telling you about the kerfuffle we had over our Germany v Australia roads dispute. They wanna have forty lanes on that fucking autobahn ... in both directions! If Texas is the backyard, then Germany is the veggie patch in the back corner ... with ants running amuck on it. Fucking idiot! Now before you go getting all huffy, I'm not saying that Texan's don't have the right to be proud of their lone state, or beat their own drum. They have plenty to be proud of; hell Texas produces more oil on its own, than all of Australia's oil fields combined. I just wish the moron would get his facts right! Okay, so there's not much you can do with seventy percent of WA. On the Nullarbor Plain, a dingo has to pack a cut lunch, just so he can go for a piss, but that's beside the point. WA has some spectacular scenery, great crayfishing, and mountains full of iron ore, not to mention Bondie. That's Allan Bond ... still don't know, Google America's Cup 83, you'll get the picture. Just don't mention to anyone about his business practices and you'll be okay. Kelly had to throw herself between us after that comment about Texas. I have to admit that the beer had been flowing, and I had a few self-control issues. Another smartarse comment out of him and he would have been spitting teeth for the next week. What? Ohhh sorry, got off the subject again, didn't I. Well, he fucking annoys me with his constant big notin himself. International fucking tourist be fucked! Ask him anything about Australia and all he could tell is what his fucking house looks like. The prick wouldn't have his shoes on the right feet if it weren't for the L and R he must have written on the heels. Where was I? Right Kelly! She and I were rolling along like a grassfire in a stiff breeze, right up until they showed up, and things haven't been the same since. Kelly gets bitchy when she doesn't get her own way! I know, I've been on the end of her acid tongue many a time, but that's not the big weapon in her arsenal, no sir! If her tongue can be described as a switchblade that verbally slices and dices, then sex is the A bomb, and she can wield that with the precision and dexterity of a weapon's master! So what happened next won't surprise you in the least then will it? I heard her comment about getting lucky, which reminds me. Why does a wife always make you feel like you're paying for a little loving? Moreover, why should I be the one to be getting lucky? Fuck me dead, I can get lucky, if I buy her a pearl necklace, or a new outfit, but has she ever bought me a fucking toolbox or fishing rod in the hope that she might get luck; damn right she hasn't. My father tells me all the time, the only difference between wives and hookers is that you know up front what you're paying for when you take on a hooker, and if she doesn't give you what you want, then you're free to go down the road find one that will. Once you're married, that's it, you're fucked ... or not, as the case maybe. Damn, does dad sprout off once he gets started on wives. He says, that not only are you paying for it while you're not getting what you want, but you're paying for the bitch to screw someone else after she leaves with half your stuff. You should see Marcie and dad go at it; Holy hell, we have to keep them separated for the sake of peace and harmony in the family. I know I almost got stuck on my arse when I asked him, "Then why did you get married the second time?" I got out of there real quick, I don't think he had an answer for that one. I fucking did it again; sorry...back to the story. Damn, I've forgotten where I was, ohhh I know, about getting so damn lucky huh, piffle, but made no indication that I had. Bitter experience had taught me that once Kelly got into one of her moods, it was generally days before she had cooled down enough to warm up and converse rationally. "I'm tired Kelly, if you want to come to bed then I'm not stopping you, but if you think I'm going to sleep in the spare room or on the fucking couch just because you have a bug up your arse, then think again." With that, I trudged up the stairs. Kelly was now way past miffed and well on the way to downright angry. I know it was my fault, and I fully accept responsibility for that last statement, but there comes a time when you just have to say, fuck it! I could see Kelly hesitate ever so slightly, and it gave me pause for confidence in, if not winning this argument then going for the draw. What? I'm insane, not stupid; there is no win/win situation here, we're dealing with a female remember. "I have no intention of sleeping with an inconsiderate high almighty arsehole like you!" With that, she swooped up the stairs into the room. Damn that woman can move when she wants too. She gathered up her nightgown and marched off to the spare bedroom slamming the door behind her. This did surprise me a bit, because I half expected to have our door slammed in my face. See what I mean, I win the argument and lose the night of passion. I call that a draw. Now don't go thinking that if you throw the match, then you can catch the action on the other end, no way. I fell for that one early in our marriage, threw the argument and all that happened was her gloating that she had won, big time, and me getting irritated because I knew why she'd won. And then getting into it for round two, me losing that one by default, or was that my fault? Fucked if I know, I just know I lost both ways, lose/lose to me, all over bar the shouting. So no, I don't throw fights anymore; the best you can aim for is a draw, one way or another. As far as I was concerned the whole incident was finished. I know, the perpetual optimist. Remember the dog, yeah well it's instinctual, born and bred into us men, bit like credit cards and shopping are for women, so if men weren't perpetual optimists, the whole damn human race would come to a fuckin grinding halt. The temperature around the house was still cool for the next couple of days, but Kelly had other ideas and brought it all back up Saturday morning over breakfast. "James we have to talk sweetheart! This is stupid the way we've been skirting each other." "I don't have a problem Kelly! It's you and your friends who have the problem; they just won't leave it alone, and you keep backing them up. Until you can get them to back off, then I can only see this winter chill in the air lasting a while longer." Kelly visibly shook with distress. "You're making a mountain out of a molehill! All our friends like you and just want to get to know you better, that's all! It's like the thing with your name! Why is it so damn important for everyone to call you James, instead of Jim, or Jimmy? You shorten their names, so why so stodgy about yours." "Like me? You have got be joking! Okay Kelly! It's like this! I'm not into hypocorism. I happen to like my name the way my parents meant it to be. If my mum and dad wanted me being called Jim, or Jimmy, or some stupid pet gibberish then they would have christened me that, but they christened me James. I don't know why, but they just did and I have no wish to bastardise it. As far as me shortening their name goes, I wouldn't normally, it's just that they seem to like their pet-names so I go with the flow and try to make them feel comfortable; something they don't have any inclination of wanting to do for me ... I might add!" Remember, I've already lost one, and I'm not in the least bit interested in a two nil score board. My dander was up now and I fired off again, "And that's not all. You weren't there when Caroline just about dropped her tits out for my supposed viewing pleasure." I could see Kelly almost giggling behind her hand when she heard that, and it pissed me off more. "Now you are over reacting sweetie. How about I have a talk with them and see if I can't work out a compromise?" That Damn Dog I swallowed the last of my coffee, before going out to tend the yard, standing up I finished, "I don't care what you do or say to them, as long as I don't have to compromise my morals or our marriage. And another thing; make damn sure their husbands know that I won't be taking too kindly to any of them trying anything with you either. Say what you like, just get them to damn-well back off." I swung around and headed out the back door. Again, I could tell Kelly wanted to scream she was so mad. Instead, she got herself out of the house, went next door, and stormed into Pam's place. Ohhh I didn't tell you did I, the two rabbits, they live next door. They could live in the next state, and I think you could still hear their hot monkey business. And I'm not fucking jealous ... much. ~...~ Next morning I headed off to work early, just so I didn't want to have to listen to another lecture from Kelly. I needed time to think, and I do that best at work where there's few distractions. After a full day of getting nothing done, both thinking and work, I pulled into my drive, that afternoon. The sight before me didn't improve my disposition one iota. Three cars blocked the entrance to MY garage and from the makes and models, I had no option but to conclude that Kelly was entertaining her flock of gaggling geese. I opened the door to a chortling chorus of courtesan conversation, as Kelly turned to welcome me home. Hey, that rhymes; I'm a poet and didn't know it! Sorry, I'll shut up now. "Hi sweetie, you look tired? Come over here and sit down, whilst get you a drink and you can relax." She said; I roll my eyes just thinking about it. I waved my hand in dismissal, "I won't interrupt your girl talk. I'll just grab a beer, some cheese and crackers to tide me over until dinner." I dropped my briefcase, loosened my tie and continued out into the kitchen trying not to notice the glances between the women. After getting something to eat and drink, I walked out onto the patio to have a little peace and quiet. It wasn't five minutes before the rabble came out and gathered around with Kelly standing nearest me. I groaned inwardly and waited for the crap to start again. "Ummm sweetheart... can we have a little talk?" I hate it when she says that! 'Little' and 'talk' are two words Kelly should not be allowed to use, especially not in the same sentence, and definitely not side by side, period. I sighed, this was the last thing I wanted, but for harmony sake, I acquiesced. "I'm really tired Kelly and I just want to relax for five minutes, but if it won't take long then by all means, be my guest." I stared Kelly straight in the face, but she looked like she wasn't sure how to begin, until Pamela jumped in. "Ji...James!" "Nice catch there Pam!" Was my somewhat sceptical deliberation. "The reason we're over here is because we have an apology to make. It seems that we...that is, all of us girls have made you feel...well, made you uncomfortable, and that wasn't our intention." Pam stopped, I assumed to gauge my reaction and when I didn't seem to be concerned, she continued... Wait a minute, I'm always concerned when Caroline is perched on her tree branch. It's a bit like dripping acid on metal, you get an expected reaction; it fizzes, no cause for concern, right? Now do the same experiment with glass! I can tell you, then I'd damn-well be concerned if it fizzed, that would be a big cause for concern. To Caroline my expression was normal. So Caroline naturally didn't see that I was actually bored, but anyway. She continued, "Kelly is upset that you and she are fighting and it seems that it's all because we have done something that you feel is inappropriate, and we just want to say how sorry we are for any misunderstanding." I nodded but still said nothing and Kelly took up the reigns, "I think all this might have been a little of my fault sweetheart. You see when us girls get together and start talking ...well I'm sure it's not that much different to when you guys get together and talk about us girls. I kind of let slip just how talented you were ... you know, in the bedroom, if you know what I mean... and well, the girls got talking and curiosity got the better of them and well..." For the first few minutes of this confession, I was confused, in more ways than one. No one was actually coming forward and saying straight out what they meant, but then, that's women for you. I held up my hand to stop her. "Just hang on a minute Kelly. Are you saying that you have been relaying our pillow talk to your friends? Are you actually saying that you've been bragging about my so call prowess in the bedroom?" Kelly must have seen my face growing redder by the minute. I know, because I could feel the heat rising up my neck. "It's not what you think sweetheart. I thought that I could give you your ultimate fantasy. You know the one where we try a threesome. You always said that, that was your favourite. I thought that maybe we could try it...sort of?" She petered off, probably wishing now she hadn't started this ... little talk. I felt a heavy lump grow in my stomach and wanted to bite someone's head off. "You can't be serious Kelly? I don't appreciate having my inner thoughts and feelings shared with the entire neighbourhood. The guys and I talk about women in general all the time, but I back off when it comes to what you and I do together. How would you feel, if I told all my mates down the pub that you like to be on your knees at the front door, with beer in hand, in nothing but heels, ready to give me a blowjob when I get home from work every afternoon?" Ok, that's another fantasy that I'd be more than happy if she made come true. Not that it's ever going to happen now! Well what do you expect? My optimism had been getting a caning for the last damn week; give me a break? That did bring them up short though! There were five pairs of eyes the size of dinner plates. "If I remember correctly, every time it was brought up, I also qualified it by saying that I had no intention of every doing it. So this is why I've been harassed by these women?" Fuck, I was angry; I swiped my half-empty beer bottle across the deck. Don't crucify me for it okay, I know it's sacrilege. To my surprise, it came off the table and hit the decking on its arse, then slid to a halt, not spilling a drop! Well fuck me dead! I'll have to remember to tell the guys at The Tavern about that one. Okay, I would've been stoked if wasn't for the fact that I was so angry with Kelly. "How about instead of your inane gossiping with these neighbour hussies, you do what a good wife, who doesn't work to bring a pay packet ... I might add ... should be doing in the first place, and that's getting our god damn dinner on the fucking table." The women took two steps back and cringed under my onslaught. "I'll be done in an hour after I clean up and go over some accounts. Make sure of that and I'll be more than fucking happy in the entire damn house, not just the fucking bedroom." I got out of my lounger and headed into the house. To say I was furious was an understatement; livid would have been closer to my true feelings. Now she's seen how angry I can get! I heard Kelly as I walked past the back door fuming. Okay, so I was pacing back and forward, I so was angry. "So that went well! Anyone else got any more bright ideas?" Then she started sobbing uncontrollably. I was confused, again; women do that to us men! I think they get great delight in making us squirm. What didn't make sense was that when all this started I was upset for missing my night of passion, okay, not getting lucky, call it whatever you like, and she was angry because I got uppity over her damn friends. Now I was angry, and she's crying. Fucked if I know? I went upstairs and took a shower; maybe things will look straighter once I can feel a little more normal. I know, it didn't happen, wishful thinking ... ok. Kelly was slamming pots around in the kitchen, I suppose trying to relieve her frustrations when I came back down and entered a minefield. "Why are you so angry now Kelly? I haven't done one damn thing to warrant this behaviour." Then she confused me again, by actually telling me straight out what was bugging her. Now if I could workout the molecular structure of that and synthesise it, then bottle what had made her do it, I'm sure I was on a winner. Sorry, for those who don't understand, we're talking money here. Kelly stopped what she was doing and turned. "Because I damn well thought that I was doing something loving for my husband and all I've got out of it is verbal abuse and humiliation. What was that shit out there with the bottle, and how dare you say those things in front of them? I don't understand you anymore James, this was supposed to be one of your fantasies come true, and all I'm getting from you is bloody grief." That brought me up short. Kelly rarely swears so she must be angry, no I mean really angry. She swiped a tear from her face. "All my friends are probably laughing at me, thinking I have a gay husband who's not interested in women. I'm proud of you James and all I did was let my friends know it. So they sort of made it a game to see just how good you really are; what of it? It was all just harmless flirting, that's all. I mean, I'm not in the least bit jealous about it, in fact it's an ego boost to think that I have a very desirable husband who I love and loves me." I watched and waited until Kelly folded her arm across her chest and stared at the floor. Being married to someone like Kelly makes you understand the concept of thinking before you say anything, not that I always use that knowledge to its full potential. I walked over and put the kettle on for coffee, giving me time to think, "I'm sorry I over reacted sweetheart, but it got my goat that ...well it just did. I don't believe that anyone else has a need to know our business in or out of the bedroom. I told you that it was just a fantasy and I had no interest in doing anything about it." Kelly looked up at me with a hurt, confused look. "That still doesn't explain why you don't want to make it happen. I find it rather wicked and sexy. Damn it James, I haven't thought about much else ever since you told me about it. Tell me why you don't want to make it happen?" I sat down at the kitchen table and thought about giving Kelly the reason for my reluctance. It didn't sit well with my own conscience. "Ok Kelly, leaving out the prenuptial, you remember, the one our parents just had to have us sign! Apart from that, do you know what it is that really peeves me off, the one thing that gets my goat, my number one pet hate?" Kelly wiped ineffectually at a tear as it slid down her face and thought for a minute. "Besides people shortening your name?" I chuckled to myself, bloody women! "Yes sweetheart, besides that." Kelly shook her head, "I have no idea!" "Hypocrisy's my number one biggest pet peeve! I can't stand hypocrites, and if I was to allow myself to indulge in this fantasy, then I would be the biggest hypocrite on this earth. And for your information I actually do agree with our prenuptial!" Kelly just stared at me, probably wondering what to say next. "You seem to think that I'm an old stuffed shirt, but you'd be wrong. I have all the normal hormones and fantasies of any red blooded male. I can and have gotten down and dirty on many occasions when I was single, but now that I'm married, I have to put all that behind me. That sort of playing isn't good for any marriage, and as far as I'm concerned, especially not ours." I looked down at the tabletop and traced the outline of a pattern in the tablecloth. "I love you dearly Kelly and the last thing I want to do is make you unhappy. These last couple of months and especially weeks, have been unbelievably stressful for me with this misunderstand between us. If I was to do this, then I couldn't very well complain if you wanted to do the same thing, you know...go to bed with another man. I couldn't handle that sweetheart. It would tear me to pieces and break my heart. So I put my fantasies aside for the good of our marriage. I do this for you Kelly! Now can you see why I'm so dead set against these games you women have been playing?" Kelly suddenly looked sick and angry at the same time. Did I tell you women are really good at multitasking? Never mind, I could write an essay on men and women and how they divide their attention, so if you really want to know, email me and I'll happily to reply. Jesus! Okay, she took a couple of deep breaths, and from experience, I knew she was steadying her temper, Mt Kelly was rumbling. "So what you're saying is that it's not necessarily; what's good for the gander is what's good for the goose?" "That's not what I'm saying Kelly and you know it. I'm saying that some fantasies should be left as such!" Kelly's face hardened, the veins on her neck started to swell; the pressure was mounting under the mount. "You talk about despising hypocrisy and in the next sentence you're practicing it. Make up your mind Jim, which is it? You can have fantasies and you're saying I can't?" I hung my head, having been here before. When Kelly gets into one of these moods she refused to hear what was being said, but focused on what she perceives as being said. "You're not listening sweetheart! I never said you can't have a fantasy. What I am saying is that some fantasies are best left alone, just like mine and a threesome with another woman. It's not fair on you because I couldn't allow you to do the same." Kelly folded her arms across her chest. "Don't you think that a little selfish?" I looked back up at my glaring wife and wondered to myself, "Why is she pushing this so hard." To her I said, "Yes Kelly! It is supremely selfish and hypocritical if, and this is where the difference lays, if I went through with it. I haven't and never will go through with it ever, so no I don't think I'm selfish or hypocritical. Let me ask you a question since we're on this subject. Why are you so fired up to make a mountain out of this stupid mole hill?" I could see Kelly blanched at the question. "What's that suppose to mean?" My hackles were starting to rise again. Red flags were popping up all over this conversation and I didn't like the direction any of them were pointing. "It means dear wife, I'm a god damn chemical engineer, and I know all about chain reactions. A little flirt here, and threesome or two there, then it's not a far cry for all out swinging, then someone gets jealous or hurt, and karboom your marriage explodes in your face! You want to give me a great fantasy I can live with? Then how about you be kneeing at the front door in only your heels with a beer in hand the next time I come home from work. I think you have got more on your agenda then a simple granting of my fantasy?" Kelly's face went from pale to angry red in an instant. Mt Kelly was about to erupt, and it almost made me believe that she'd done more than talk to these so call friends of hers. Kelly must have been at a crossroads here, her facial features hardened again as she bit the bullet. "Ok James, I admit to having something else in mind. You're right! I foolishly thought that if it was ok with you getting your wish granted, then it was only fair that maybe some time in the future that I might indulge. I have fantasies too you know! But now it seems that you're not as sharing as I am, selfish mores' the point! Get your own fucking dinner!" Eruption of Mt Kelly! She threw a pot she was holding into the sink, turned and stormed off up to bed, slamming the bedroom door in the process. Did she actually hear anything I just said? Remind me to get the foundations checked. I shook my head in wonder, walked out into the lounge, and picked up my coat. I decided that I'd enjoy a meal more if I wasn't listening to Kelly throwing things around in our bedroom. I hate arguing, especially with a female; to them an argument is a discussion that occurs when she believes she's right, and continues until you to realise it. I knew she had more than an interest in granting a sexy favour, and if that's what she was aiming for then she can damn well forget it! By the time I got back, Kelly had settled down, but just a tad. When it comes to where you sleep, if you want some peace and quiet that is, then procession is nine tenths, so I thought it prudent to sleep the night in the guest room, and I was still pissed at this afternoon's "little talk." Fuck that dog! The rest of the night was a repeat of the last couple of weeks, with little sleep and a feeling of dread hanging over my home. I got up early again. I hate mornings to start with, this getting up early is taxing my grey matter, but after a quick cup of coffee, I headed into work. I needed something to take my mind off my troubles and work normally did that, but today I couldn't get into the swing of things. Hell I haven't been much use to anyone for the last week or two, "Mr Stanton would like to see you in his office when you have a spare minute Mr Barrymore!" Annette chirped over the intercom. I dragged myself out of my chair. "What the fuck, now?" I mumbled to myself. Lennard Stanton is the owner of Stanton Chemicals and a good friend of mine, but I wasn't in the mood to be jousting with him this morning. I'm a chemical engineer, no shit, I think you might have gathered that already. No, I know what you're thinking, I'm not a chemist, although we both deal in chemistry! They dispense prescription over the counter to neurotics dealing with their insomnia. I work on the industrial side, dissolving things, making new compounds for industry, glues and shit, okay. Kelly pisses me off when she tells her friends at parties that I'm a chemist. For the next four hours I'm fending off hypochondriacal arseholes wanting to know what to do for athletes foot, or neurotic mothers wanting to know what is best poor for little Johnny's diarrhea. How the fuck would I know. I can probably come up with a chemical compound that'll dissolve your feet or glue Johnny's arse shut. But if that's not what you're after, then go see a goddamn chemist for Pete's sake. If you want to know, I got interested in chemistry when dad bought me a junior chemistry set for my ninth birthday, and then I proceeded to blow his tool shed up...twice, and almost burning it down once. I got a flogging over that every time, until I manage to get my shit together. Well how in the hell is a ten years old suppose to know that if you add glycerin to potassium permanganate, you get an exothermic reaction. "A what?" I hear you ask. Yeah, that's my reaction to what happen at the time. The damn stuff ignites, you know, bursts into flames and then you're in all sorts of shit with the old man. Especially when said ignition starts on a plastic table and the resulting, burning molten plastic drops into a pan of old engine oil. I knew I was in deep shit then. Moreover, that was one of my more minor fiascos. Now where was I? Ohhh yeah, that's right, being called into the bosses office, and no, you're wrong, I haven't blow up any labs...Yet! "Go right in Mr Barrymore, he's expecting you." I tried to smile, but it was empty of mirth, and purely for visual effect. "Thanks Tracey." Lennard eyed me as I entered his office. "Don't stand there making the place look untidy James. Take a seat and tell me who stole your lollipop." Lennard and I have been friends for over ten years, when Lennard had first brought me into the business fresh out of university. "What makes you think I have a bug up my arse Lennard?" He chuckled as he spoke, "For one, you missed your obligatory midget joke for the day." Lennard is a Danny Di Vito's clone with a goatee and slightly more hair. I had joked many times that if things got tough for Lennard, he could hire himself out as a body double. Lennard just said that I was jealous, because he had a valid excuse to look at a woman's tits while still trying to look her straight in the eye.