87 comments/ 88125 views/ 7 favorites Suspicion: Healing By: fdkman262 This story is in response to the original author's, whiteone_redone, invitation to write our own version of chapter 2, which deals with the actions of the characters after Paul has discovered his wife is having an affair and she has confessed that she is in love with her lover. Whiteone_redone wrote his version, of course, and I urge you to read his story, if you have not already. What prompted me to write this is another author's response to the challenge. That story, "Suspicion - The Aftermath by thecelt", was a different take on the facts and presented from the point of view of Kathy, the wife. I also urge you to read that version. It is, as are all of thecelt's stories, very well written. It also, like most of his stories, presents a "happy ending". I don't have problems with a happy ending when it is deserved but I can't accept a reconciliation at all costs either. So, here is my version based on facts from chapter 1 of the original story and my own assumptions and biases. I hope you enjoy it. Please let me know either way. Suspicion: Healing ********** From "Suspicion" Chapter 1: "What's his name? Are you in love with him?" My voice was calm. No anger or accusing tone of voice. Kathy looked at me as tears welled up in her eyes. "His name is Karl Gerring. And yes, I am in love with him." ********** I couldn't believe my ears. My wife of sixteen years had just told me she was having an affair and was IN LOVE with the man! I sat there for I don't know how long, staring off into space, trying to get my head around what I had just been told. Except for the two clues that had started my suspicion of her fidelity I'd thought we had a great marriage. We seemed to be deeply in love, we had two great kids and a pretty decent love life, if I do say so myself. Was it something I had done that drove her into another man's arms? No, I didn't believe that. I didn't work all kinds of hours and neglect her. I never traveled, I didn't even work overtime very much. I pulled my weight around the house. We both worked full-time so we shared household chores, those that we didn't assign to the kids, of course. We talked openly about things that concerned us and we worked to solve anything that came up to our mutual satisfaction. For that matter I couldn't think of when she'd have time to have an affair given she was home every night and weekends as well for the most part. Given the information I got from Nancy it would seem she was taking time away from work to meet this guy but since she has meetings with contractors she could probably cover herself with her boss. I looked up and saw Kathy still sitting at the table, hugging herself and sobbing softly. It hurt me to see her crying like this but I couldn't make myself provide my usual comfort in her time of need. I couldn't bring myself to tell her everything would be all right when she'd just told me she was in love with another man. "How long?" Kathy raised her head but could not look me in the eyes. "What did you say?" I raised my voice and I know there was some anger there but I really didn't care at the moment. "I said, how long?" She paused and drew in a great shuddering breath, "Six months." Six months! My wife, the love of my life had been cheating on me for six months! How could she fall in love with the guy in that amount of time? It took her over a year before she told me she loved me! God, how could I be so stupid? Six months! I thought back over the last six months, trying to remember if I might have missed something that should have made me suspicious. I couldn't think of a damned thing, boy was she good! At no time during the past six months had she treated me or the kids any differently than she ever had. Kathy was the same loving wife and mother she'd always been, there had been NO changes in her behavior. She has talents I'm not aware of if she can act like this and still have a lover and fall in love with him. 'Maybe she should quit her job and move to Hollywood,' I thought sarcastically. It was time to ask more questions, questions I didn't want to ask, and certainly questions I didn't really want the answers to. "Is it over, Kathy?" "Paul, you know I love you--" I interrupted her. "Is it over!" "No, it's not over. I love him, Paul." "You love him and it's not over. I guess that tells me everything I need to know." I stood up from the table and started to make my way out of the kitchen. "Where are you going?" "Me, I'm not going anywhere, you are." "I'm not going anywhere, Paul. What are you talking about?" "Kathy, let's be realistic here. You've just confirmed what I already knew, that you were having an affair. You've also just told me that you are in love with this man. On top of that, you've just told me that it's not over, that you still plan to see him. I don't see where that leaves us many options, do you?" I looked at her and saw a woman who looked familiar to me but was really a stranger. "Of course we have options, Paul. We have to talk about this." "No, Kathy, we don't have to talk about this, at least not right now. I'm very angry and also very shocked by what has happened here tonight and I know that nothing good could come of any discussion we might have here tonight. That means that we need to put some space between us for a while until we can both discuss this rationally." I looked down at my feet, sighed heavily, and continued. "Since you are the cheater and have dishonored me and our marriage I think it is only fair that you leave the house." I waited for a response that didn't come. The only reaction I got from Kathy was more crying as she flopped her arms on the table and buried her head in them. I stood there watching her sob uncontrollably for a while before I spoke. "Kathy, where are the children?" She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, grabbed a tissue from her pocket and blew her nose. "They are at your mom and dad's. Did you forget they were taking them for the weekend? They picked them up from Todd and Evelyn's this afternoon." "That's right, I did forget. I guess this works out for you then." "What do you mean?" "You can spend the weekend at Evelyn's and not have to upset the kids." "Why would I be going to Evelyn's?" "Weren't you listening, Kathy? We need time to calm down from everything that has happened today and we can't do that living under the same roof. Since you are the guilty party I feel it is only fair that you leave, immediately!" "Paul, please, can't we talk this over?" "Kathy, I'm going out for a couple of hours, when I return I had better not find you here. If you are here when I return I will happily toss your ass out the front door with nothing but the clothes on your back. It's up to you, Kathy, spend the weekend at your sister's or spend it on the front lawn, I don't care either way!" With that I turned on my heel and left the house, the sounds of Kathy's sobs echoing in my ears. ***** I knew I was in no mood to drive anywhere, I was too pissed off to see straight so I decided to walk to a bar a couple of miles or so down the road. Given my attitude this was probably the safest choice since I wouldn't have to try driving home if I had a few too many, which looked like a distinct possibility. If it turned out I got too drunk to walk back I could always call a cab. I soon sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. There was a ball game on the TV but I wasn't really watching it. For a Saturday it was pretty quiet, but it was still early, I supposed it would get busier later. The beer was good, cold and wet, which is what I needed right now. Despite my inclination to get blasted and forget this whole mess I sipped my beer and pondered my situation. My marriage had turned from the greatest thing in my life to crap in the space of a few minutes. Despite the suspicions I had hoped I was wrong, or at least that the affair was over and she'd forgotten the clothes in the trunk were there. Never in my wildest nightmares did I think the affair was ongoing and that she didn't want to stop! What did this guy have that I didn't? What could he do for her to make her fall in love with him so that she'd have to tell me she still wanted to see him! What would I do without her in my life? What about the kids! Geez, this was a mess that grew worse every second! What am I going to do? I still love her but can I accept her continuing with this affair? That was probably the only easy question to answer in this whole fiasco my life had become. NO, I can not accept her continuing to see this guy, what was his name, Karl, yeah that's it, Karl. No way am I going to accept that she can continue with this affair and still share my bed. I am a one woman man and I will share my wife with no one, that was non-negotiable. No matter how much I love her I can't share her. I can't have her in my bed knowing she was with her lover that day or wondering if she's thinking about him when she's with me. I'm not one of those guys that gets off about thinking of his wife with another man. I'm not jealous, nor am I possessive, but I'm also not into this open-marriage crap. Nope, there won't be any sharing of Kathy in my future. With that decided now came the harder questions. If she decides to stay with me can I forgive her? I thought back over my life with Kathy from the time I met her until I found those clothes this afternoon and found that I really wanted to keep that life. I had everything I wanted and I really think I can forgive her enough to where we can get counseling to get us over this mistake she made and we can move on with our life. I know she loves me, she really isn't that good of an actress, and I know she loves the kids, as do I. Do I want to throw away sixteen great years over a mistake, even one as serious as this? No, I really didn't. Was I pissed at her for doing this to us, to our marriage, you betcha! Was I going to let her know exactly how I felt about this when we did talk? You're damned right I was. Would I forgive her as long as she agreed to end the affair and never see Karl again? Yes, I would. This was just a rough patch in an otherwise great marriage and we could get past this, with a lot of work on both our parts, of course. I had to find out why she did this and why she fell in love with this guy. That is the one thing that didn't make any sense to me. How could she tell me, with a straight face, that she loves Karl and that she loves me as well and seem to mean it? I couldn't detect any lessening of her love for me despite how much I searched my memory for it. Right up to the time she told me she loved another man her love for me showed in her eyes as strong as it always had. Could she really love us both? I don't see how but I'm not a woman so I have no way of know what is possible when it comes to her. I signaled the bartender to bring me another beer and checked my watch, it had only been half an hour since I sat down and an hour since I left the house. I had enough time for another beer then I needed to get out of here. I truly hoped she wouldn't be there when I got home because I didn't want to fight any more. I wanted to go home and have a few more drinks then go to bed and try to sleep. I didn't want to throw her out the door but I would if I had to and she knows I meant it. She won't be there, I was sure of it, or at least as sure as I could be about anything, which wasn't very sure at all. ***** The house was dark when I walked up to the front door, which was a good thing. I really didn't want a confrontation now, not when both our feelings were still so raw. I unlocked the front door, entered, locked it behind me and walked into the living room. Nothing had changed, physically, while I had been gone but the room, and the house, had changed. What was once a happy, loving home was now an empty cold house with nothing but memories to keep me company. I glanced at the answering machine; there were five messages on it, none of which I was motivated to listen to. I didn't bother to turn on the lights since the darkness suited my mood, besides there was enough light filtering in from outside that I could make out the furniture and not trip over anything. I made my way to the liquor cabinet and pulled out my bottle of Jack Daniels and a glass. I walked over to my favorite chair, plopped into it, and poured three fingers of good whiskey and sipped it. It burned my throat but in a good way, you know? It settled into my stomach where it tried to melt the ice ball that had formed in my belly. It failed. I decided to send that first sip some help and finished the glass in one gulp. No change. Well, this called for serious measures so I poured the glass full and downed it in three swallows. My stomach felt warmer but I wasn't feeling any better. I poured one more full glass and settled back in my chair, sipped my drink and somewhere during that glass I lost consciousness. ***** The sun streaming in the windows hit me in the face, rousing me from my slumber. God, what had happened to me? My head felt like a herd of elephants were tap dancing on it and my mouth tasted like they had walked across my tongue! I tried to open my eyes but gave up because it hurt too much. I moved my arm, or at least I tried to, but it was hanging at my side so numb I couldn't feel it. I looked around the room and realized I had fallen asleep in the chair where I had parked myself when I'd got home last night. It had been years since I'd slept all night in a chair and now I remembered why that was so. Every muscle in my body hurt! Forty year old guys aren't supposed to sleep in chairs and my body was going to make sure I knew that so I wouldn't do it again. After three tries I was finally able to get my legs under me enough to be able to stand, which was also an adventure since my knees didn't want to support me and my head threatened to fall off my shoulders. I don't know how I did it but I managed to stagger into the kitchen, found the coffee and put some into the coffee maker. Filling the pot was a bit more difficult since my hands shook so bad I spilled half the water into the sink the first time but soon the coffee maker was brewing away with the liquid of life I needed right then. I pulled a chair over by the counter and sat down heavily. I think I must have dozed off because the coffee was done when I next raised my head. I was lucky there was a mug on the counter since I couldn't remember where we kept them at the moment. Picking up the pot I laid the lip against the mug much like a blind man would and poured carefully. Even so I still burned my fingers since my hands still wouldn't stop shaking. Grabbing the mug with both hands I carefully sipped the hot liquid and felt my body relax just a bit. Three cups of coffee later I felt reasonably human so I set the mug down and made my way to the bathroom for a shower. I stripped off my clothes along the way and was in my underwear by the time I hit the bathroom. I adjusted the water to just below scalding, stripped off my shorts and t-shirt and climbed under the water, letting it hit my head and run down my body. A few minutes of that and I picked up the soap and started to wash. As I got cleaner and the water worked the kinks out of my muscles I felt better, probably as good as it was going to get so I shut the water off and dried myself. Wrapping the towel around my waist I walked over to the sink to shave. I looked into the mirror and didn't recognize the man who looked back at me. Who was that old man? This guy had dark circles under his eyes and a dead look in his eyes. Was this me? I shook my head to clear my eyes and plugged my razor in and ran it over my face. After combing my hair I made my way to the bedroom, dressed quickly and went back downstairs. The blinking light on the answering machine caught my attention and as much as I didn't want to, I pressed play. "Paul, are you there? Pick up this phone you son of a bitch! How dare you throw my sister out of her house!" The call ended as abruptly as it started but that wasn't the last message from Evelyn on the machine. All five of them were from her, with ever escalating levels of anger at me and her calling into question my parentage. The last message ended with her telling me she'd see me in the morning! Oh joy! I didn't want to talk to Kathy and I sure didn't want to argue with Evelyn. I looked at my watch and saw it was only 7:30. I didn't think she could get over here this early so I made up my mind to go out for breakfast and then stay away the rest of the day. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and my intention to avoid Evelyn didn't work out. As I was looking for my keys the pounding started on the door. "Paul, you open this door right now! I'm not going away until you talk to me and I'm sure you don't want me to wake up your neighbors!" I walked over and opened the door between bangs and she nearly hit me in the chest with her fist. "Good morning, Evelyn, care to come in?" I turned and headed for the kitchen not even waiting for an answer. She stalked into the kitchen just as I was getting another mug from the cabinet. "Care for some coffee?" I said as pleasantly as was possible, given the circumstances. Some of the anger left her as she settled into the chair. "Coffee would be good, cream and sugar, please." I set the mug in front of her and then got a carton of cream from the fridge and the sugar from the counter, set them in front of her and sat down, waiting while she fixed her coffee. She took a sip and started in. "OK, Paul, why did you throw Kathy out?" "She didn't tell you?" "No, all she did was cry and say how sorry she was and that she didn't want to lose you. I couldn't get anything but that out of her for hours and I finally slipped her a sleeping pill and put her to bed. I tried calling you after she arrived and every fifteen minutes for an hour before I gave up. So here I am. Please, tell me what's going on, maybe I can help." I had always liked Evelyn, she seemed to have her head on straight, as much as any woman can, so I decided to level with her, as much as I could since I didn't know all that much myself. "Kathy cheated on me." The mug slipped from her hands and rattled on the table. Thank goodness it wasn't very far off the table at the time or she could have burned herself. She looked at me with disbelief in her eyes. "No, she wouldn't," she said quietly. "She did. I wasn't sure until yesterday but when I got home I confronted her about it and she admitted it to me." I looked down at the table, waiting for her to process what I had told her. "Oh my God, I didn't think she'd really do it," she said so softly I wasn't sure I'd heard her correctly. "What did you say? Did you know about this?" I said, harsher than I intended. She blushed and picked up her cup again, taking another sip before she spoke again. "Not really, no, I didn't know about this specifically." "OK, what did you know, specifically." "Six or seven months ago Kathy came to me to tell me she'd seen her old high school boyfriend in town. I don't think she ever told you about Karl but she was really in love with him when they were young. There was even talk about marriage." "I never knew that. I know Kathy had boyfriends in college before we met but I didn't know there was anyone serious." "Oh it was serious all right. Karl's family moved shortly after they graduated and they kept up contact, vowing to be together as soon as possible. This carried on for over a year until, one day, the contact stopped. She tried to find him but his father had died and they'd moved again leaving no forwarding address. She was devastated. She really believed they were meant to be together. I thought she might do something stupid so I got her into counseling. That seemed to help and slowly she crawled her way out of the hole she'd been in. Suspicion: Healing "And then she met you. I'd never seen her happier and she seemed to have pushed Karl into her past, to be thought of fondly but not something to live her life for. Then, as I said, six or seven months ago she came to me and said she'd seen Karl in town and had coffee with him. She looked just like she did when she was a teenager and talked about Karl. I told her that she shouldn't be meeting with an old boyfriend. She was a married woman now with two beautiful children and a husband who would walk on water for her or drown trying. I told her to snap out of this fantasy she was in before she wrecked her marriage and her family." Evelyn paused and pushed the mug towards me. I poured her another cup and waited as she prepared to finish her story. "I thought I'd gotten through to her because when she left she thanked me for being a good sister and reminding her of what she had. I really thought she was OK and promptly forgot all about the conversation. She never seemed different to me, and I assume it was the same with you, and she never mentioned it again so I didn't either. She hadn't done anything at that time and I didn't think she would so I never mentioned it to anyone, not even Todd. God, I'm so sorry now that I didn't follow up with her." "It's not your fault Evelyn, she didn't exhibit any outward signs the whole time at home either. If I hadn't noticed the hickey I wouldn't have had any suspicions at all." "Hickey?" "Yeah, a couple of weeks ago I walked in on her while she was dressing in the bathroom and I noticed a bruise on her breast. She gave me some song and dance about hurting herself at work but she looked guilty, you know? Then I found out about a fender-bender she had with a woman at the motel and the man who was with her. She lied about the circumstances of that so I started to get concerned. Then, as I said, yesterday I got confirmation that she'd been cheating. If found a sexy bra and panty set in a plastic bag in the trunk of her car." "That could have been a surprise for you!" she said hopefully. "It could have been but the panties had obviously been worn and not for me." "Oh," she said, dejectedly. "My sentiments exactly. So, where do we go from here? Last night I asked her who he was and if she loved him. She told me his name was Karl and she did love him. I have to be honest, I was pretty pissed off last night and rather than do, or say, something I'd regret I told her to leave. Since she was the guilty party I felt it only fair that she leave the house." "I can see your point, Paul. I wish I'd known this last night. I wish you had called me back." "I didn't want to deal with anyone last night, Evelyn. I wasn't sure the calls weren't from Kathy so I ignored them and got drunk. If you'd been five minutes later I would have been out of here and gone the whole day." "I couldn't sleep so I left early. I asked Todd to feed the kids and take them out so Kathy wouldn't be disturbed. I should probably get back before she wakes up to an empty house. Are you ready to talk to her? She's probably going to ask once she knows I've been over here." "I suppose so, though I'd rather she stayed away for a while, everything is still so fresh I'm not sure I won't lose my temper again." "You know I love you, Paul? You've been a wonderful husband to my sister, I couldn't have picked a better man. I'll talk to her today, get her to tell me everything this time, and then I'll see what happens. If I feel she's not ready to talk to you I'll let you know. I'll call later today, no matter what." She stood up, walked to my side of the table and kissed me on the cheek. "Thanks for your support, Evelyn. I love you too. I really hope this works out but I don't have a good feeling. I'll wait to hear from you. I have to pick up the kids from my parents at 5:00 so please call before then. I have to think up some excuse for the kids if she's not here." "Keep your chin up, Paul. I'll talk to you later." ***** I went out to breakfast and then puttered around the yard the rest of the day. Evelyn called about three and told me that Kathy would be spending a few more days at their house and asked if I could have someone else look after the kids for a while. I thanked her for her efforts and asked my next door neighbor, Mrs. Kelly, if she'd be able to look in on the kids for a few days until I got home. I told her Kathy was away at her parents when she asked. With that settled I left the house at four to pick up the kids. As soon as I got to my parents my mom knew something was up by the look on my face. The kids were outside with my dad so I just told her that Kathy and I were having some personal problems but I couldn't say much right now. She pulled me into a hug that felt really good right about then. She kissed me on the cheek and told me she'd pray for us. I thanked her and went outside with dad and the kids. We played for another hour and then mom made us stay for dinner. There were some awkward moments when the kids asked why their mom wasn't with me. I told them she was staying with Aunt Evelyn for a few days because she needed some help. Jason seemed to accept it and moved on but Christie wasn't convinced though she kept her feelings to herself. The ride home was quiet and the mood was subdued at home once the kids remembered mom wasn't going to be home. We watched some TV and then we all went to bed early. I hope the kids slept better than I did. ***** Things went along this way until the following Friday. Kathy and the kids talked every night but I was conveniently out of the room when my turn came so I avoided talking to her though I felt bad about it at the time. I got a call at work from Evelyn on Thursday asking if I was ready to talk to Kathy. I told her that I had calmed down enough where I felt I could discuss things. I would make arrangements for the kids to have dinner at Mrs. Kelly's while Kathy and I met. I didn't want to talk at home because I didn't want to be alone with her. We agreed to meet at a quiet restaurant that had semi-private booths so we could have some privacy but still be in public. We'd agreed to meet at 7:00. I had arrived a few minutes early and waited in the bar. Kathy walked in at 7:00 on the dot, saw me in the bar and walked over. "Hello, Paul." "Hello, Kathy, would you like a drink?" "Yes, thank you, I'd like a gimlet, please." We got our drinks and made our way to our table. I'd asked the hostess to give us as much privacy as possible so she sat us as far away from others as she could. We were given menus and were left to ourselves. You wouldn't know we'd been married sixteen years the way we were acting around each other. We looked at the menu and shuffled it back and forth trying to decide what to eat before the waitress arrived. During that time we hardly said two words to each other. Thankfully the waitress arrived. We ordered and we were left alone again. I spoke up first. "You look nice tonight, Kathy." She looked at me with barely held tears in her eyes. "Thank you, Paul. ... Look, I'm sorry--" "Kathy," I interrupted "I don't want to get into this right now. Please, let's wait until after we've eaten. I don't want to be interrupted by the waitress every two minutes." "I'm sorry, Paul. I won't bring it up again." We sat quietly until the salads arrived then again until the main courses were served. Finally, we finished eating though I couldn't say I ate very much and neither did Kathy. I knew I couldn't delay this any longer. "All right, Kathy, we've eaten as much as we're going to, please tell me what you wanted to earlier," and I sat back to wait. Now that the time to talk had arrived Kathy didn't seem to anxious to begin. She took a deep breath, started to speak and then stopped before uttering a word. She looked down at her plate, sighed again then started. "I'm so sorry I hurt you, Paul, I didn't mean to and I never wanted you to find out. I love you." "You have a strange way of showing that, Kathy. How can you say you love me when you tell me you love Karl?" "That's the problem, Paul, I do love you and I love Karl too. Oh this is so confusing!" She stopped and the tears she'd been holding back slipped down her cheeks. I pulled my handkerchief from my pocket and handed it to her. She dried her eyes and composed herself. "Why don't you try to explain it to me. I'd like to know how you can love both of us. Evelyn told me a little about Karl and what he meant to you, why don't you fill in the blanks." She proceeded to tell me everything that Evelyn had plus her inner feelings about Karl and how she had fantasized what life would be like with him before he was ripped from her. She had put her fantasy away when she met me and had moved on with her life, or so she had thought, until she saw Karl again and all the old fantasies and urges came crashing back to her. She found herself unable to stay away from him even though Evelyn had been very persuasive about what could happen if she followed through and met with Karl in a more intimate setting. Although I didn't want to hear it, she also told me how he made her feel when they made love. I stopped her when she started to get into too much detail, I didn't need, nor want, to hear that. At the end she paused and the tears came again. "Paul, I can't explain it so you'll understand but I love you more today than when we married. But I also love Karl. He makes me feel things I can't feel with you. Different things, not better or worse, but different and I want those feelings and I want you. Do you remember the old song "Torn Between Two Lovers", well that's how I feel about you and Karl. Can you understand what I'm talking about?" I thought back to the song she mentioned. I remembered the gist of it. The woman said she loved her husband, had given him her virginity, but she'd found a lover who did things for her he couldn't because they connected on different parts of her personality. She said she loved both men and didn't want to give up either one. I remembered the song but I couldn't fathom the sentiment and told her so. "Kathy, I just can't accept that you can love me and love another man. Maybe it is because I'm a man and we want to deal in facts and concrete things and you're a woman and are in touch with your feelings. I don't know. I do know that as a man who heard that song I felt anger at that woman and felt sorry for her husband. Now you're telling me *I'm* that husband. I love you very much and I probably always will, but I can't share you. I'm sorry." "Paul, I love you too, can't you see that? Did I treat you any differently when I was with Karl? Did I show you any less love? How could you think I don't love you when I showed you how I love you every day!" "You're right, Kathy. You never showed me any less love, to the best of my knowledge, but that was before I knew what I know now. I can't accept that my wife has a lover and doesn't want to give him up. I love you, Kathy, but I *won't* share you. I'll make you a deal. You tell me you'll give up Karl, I mean you'll never see or talk to him ever again, and I'll try to forget this ever happened. You can come home today, right now if you want, and we'll go to counseling to get through this. I'm really hurt by everything you've done, Kathy, but I love you so much and I don't want to walk away from our marriage without giving you every chance I can. Will you do that for us, Kathy?" I waited for her to jump at my offer but as each second passed I felt our marriage slip away. By the time Kathy looked at me I knew she was gone. "I love you very much, Paul, but I can't give up Karl. He was my first and greatest love and I've only just got him back in my life! You can't ask me to drop him now! Please, Paul, can't we work something out?" I shook my head and brought my hand over my eyes to hide the tears. I didn't want to break down in the middle of the restaurant. I had hoped that our sixteen years of marriage and our kids would count for something with Kathy but I underestimated her desire for her fantasy lover. I had to leave, I couldn't stay there any longer. "I'm sorry, Kathy. No we can't work this out and I'm stunned that you'd choose Karl over me and the kids." "The kids, what do you mean?" "I'll be filing for divorce first thing Monday, Kathy and I'll be seeking full custody of the kids. If you can abandon our family like this I don't think I'll have too much trouble declaring you an unfit mother. I'll also be naming Karl as a co-respondent for alienation of affection. If you don't want our families to know all about your affair and exactly why we are divorcing I suggest you not fight it. My lawyer will be in touch with you soon. Please, don't contact me directly. All future communication will be between our lawyers. Please have Evelyn tell me where you are going to be living so I can let my lawyer know. Goodbye, Kathy, have a nice life." I walked to the bar and paid our tab then got out of there as fast as I could. I pulled out of the parking lot but I didn't get very far as I couldn't see with the tears running down my face. Luckily there was a park nearby and I pulled in there and cried like a baby for the next half hour. How could she do this to us? I thought we'd grow old together and here I was a forty year old, soon-to-be-divorced single father! A single father! The kids! Oh, God, what was I going to tell them! I needed to pick up the kids from my neighbor since I told them I wasn't going to be too late. I found some tissues in the glove compartment to wipe my face with since I had given Kathy my handkerchief. I started the car again and made my way slowly home. Mrs. Kelly probably guessed things hadn't worked out because when she saw me at the door she told me she was so very sorry. I thanked her and after paying her for her time, the kids and I walked across the street to our house. My kids are pretty smart and they could sense that something wasn't right with the old man. "Dad, what's wrong?" Christie said. "Nothing, honey, I just don't feel well is all." "Oh," she said. "When is mommy coming home?" "I don't know, baby, Aunt Evelyn still needs her help," I said sadly. "Oh, OK, Dad." She turned to her brother saying "Come on, Jason, let's go to my room." "Sure, sis," he said and the two of them walked slowly to Christie's room at the back of the house. I sat down in the living room thinking I'd dodged a bullet with respect to what I was going to have to tell the kids. I didn't know how they'd take it and I wanted to try to lessen the blow as much as I could. Before long they were back, with serious looks on their faces. I felt my heart drop into my stomach, I hadn't dodged the bullet at all. "Dad, we've been talking," Christie said, "We know something is up between you and mom. We've talked with Alexis and Alyssa and they say Aunt Evelyn is just fine. We also know that mom is staying there and all she does is cry when she's in her room." "Yeah, Dad," Jason said "We have friends with divorced parents and we've heard enough from them to know you and mom aren't getting along. Please, Dad, tell us what's going on." I looked at my two children and wondered when they had gotten so mature. They were only 13 and 11 for God's sake! As much as I wanted to protect my children I knew I couldn't lie to them, but that didn't mean that I had to tell them everything. "Mom and I are having problems in our marriage and we've decided to separate. For now, mom is going to live with Aunt Evelyn and Uncle Todd but I think she'll be getting her own place soon. As soon as she gets settled we'll work together to make sure you two get to see her as often as you want. Mom and I love you both very, very much. Never doubt that. There is nothing you have done that caused this. Sometimes grown-ups change and decide they want different things and this separation is one of those times. Mom and I want different things and staying together is no longer an option for us. I'm so sorry, kids, mom and I both are." Christie and Jason ran to me and I pulled them both into a tight hug. I tried to hold back my tears but I didn't completely succeed and soon we were all crying. We kissed and hugged each other until my arms were tired but I couldn't let them go. My daughter spoke first. "We know you love us, Daddy. We love you too. Don't worry, Daddy, we'll get through this, you'll see!" "Yeah, Dad, don't worry, we can both help around the house more," my son said. "We'll be OK, Dad, we'll be OK." Did I have some great kids or what? Here I was supposed to be reassuring them and they were reassuring me! "Thanks, kids, you're right, we'll be OK. It's getting late, why don't you get dressed for bed and I'll be in to say goodnight in a few minutes." "Ok, Dad," Christie said and she and her brother left for their rooms. ***** Monday morning I went to my office early so I could get some work done so that I could leave early if need be to meet with the lawyer I was going to call. We had some friends who had divorced and I'd called a couple of the guys looking for recommendations. I got a name of a really tough lawyer who really worked for father's in custody cases. I wanted full custody but I would be fair regarding visitation. I also planned to be fair in the settlement since I wanted her to agree to the custody condition. I was able to make an appointment for that afternoon and after spending an hour with her I left feeling reasonably confident that I'd get what I wanted. I arrived home to find Evelyn on my front steps waiting for me. "How did you know I'd be here this early?" I asked her. "I called your office and they told me you had an appointment and would not be returning to your office. I assumed you'd gone to your lawyer and I took a chance that you'd come right home after. I wanted to catch you before the kids get home." I opened the door and invited her to sit down on the couch. "Can I get you something to drink?" "No thanks, Paul. I want to tell you how sorry I am, for both of you. I just can't understand my sister. She told me of your offer to take her back immediately if she dropped Karl and that she just couldn't do it. She told me that you plan to fight her for full custody too and even that didn't phase her. She's under some delusion or fantasy and I can't figure her out. How could she throw away sixteen years of marriage for a guy who's been out of her life for twenty years!" She put her head in her hands and sobbed. I got up and sat next to her, hugging her shoulder. "Thanks, Paul, I need a good hug right about now." I pulled back and smiled sadly at her. "Any time, Evelyn. I appreciate everything you've done for me and your sister. I just wish she was as level-headed as you. God, I miss her! I miss her every day and it's worse at night in that big empty bed. But I won't be made a fool of and accepting her need for Karl in her life while still being married to me is unacceptable. No matter how much I love her I can't be less than what I am and ignore what I believe. I took our marriage vows seriously and when the minister said "forsaking all others" he didn't qualify it for old boyfriends who return after 20 years. I didn't think she'd ever do anything like this and I don't think that if the situations were reversed she'd accept me having a lover while we stayed married." "No way, she told me she could never share you with another woman but she also said she knew she'd never have to because you were a one woman man and she was your woman. I don't know what's come over her, Paul, I really don't!" I noticed that the kids would be home soon so I had to get dinner going. "Evelyn, can you stay and eat with us? The kids will be home soon and I need to get cooking." "No thanks, Paul, I have to get home to feed my brood too. I just wanted you to know that Todd and I will be there for you and that Kathy started looking for a place today. When she finds something I'll let you know." Suspicion: Healing I pulled out a card my lawyer had given me and handed it to her. "Please let my lawyer know instead. I really don't want to know where she is going to live, nor do I want to talk to her. The only way I can deal with this is to try to avoid all contact with her and if I know where she's living I'll be tempted to try to see her and if I see Karl I won't be responsible for my actions! The kids need me home, not in jail for assault or worse." "OK, Paul, I'll pass the information along to your lawyer when I get it. Say hi to the kids for me and tell them we love them too." "I will, Evelyn, and thanks for everything." ***** Kathy moved to her own place a week later and the kids started to visit with her at Evelyn's house. I didn't want them at her apartment unsupervised because I didn't want Karl to have any contact with my children. Kathy was much more reasonable than I thought she'd be. She agreed to every restriction I placed on her with respect to visitation nor did she fight the settlement I had proposed. She wanted our marriage behind her so she could be with Karl legally so she agreed to everything. I kept the house but gave her most of our savings since that was equal to the equity we had. Because the divorce was uncontested the whole thing was completed in six months. I didn't even go to court for the final decree as my lawyer had said my presence wasn't necessary. The fact of the matter was I didn't want to see Kathy again. Every time I thought about her I got depressed and the doubts about what I could have done differently came rushing back. Todd and Evelyn and even the kids told me I could have done nothing to affect Kathy's actions, that the fantasy of her and Karl was too strong, stronger even than her bond with the children. I could never understand how she could give up custody of the children so she could have that man and I suppose I never will. Christie, even though she was only 11, took over as woman of the house. She'd always been a mature child for her age but when her mother left she took over the running of the house, at least when it came to her brother and me. I had hired a woman to cook and clean for us but Christie took it upon herself to make sure Jason and I didn't goof off when things needed doing. She reminded me a lot of her mother but in a good way. As much as I tried to keep the real reason for the divorce from her and Jason it seems that news travels fast and bad news travels even faster. One night, not long after the divorce was finalized Christie walked into the den where I was reading the paper. "Dad, can I talk to you a minute?" Christie said. "Of course, honey, any time." "Dad, Jason and I were talking and we don't want to visit mom any more." I was shocked to hear this as I had been very careful not to say anything against their mother at any time. "Why is that honey, you know your mother loves you very much. She'll be very hurt if you don't visit her." "We know mom left you for another man and she let you have custody so she could be with him. How can she say she loves us when she left us all for another man?" I didn't know what to say to her. I hadn't planned on having this conversation with her, at least not for a few more years. I hung my head, sighed then looked her in the eye as I spoke. "Just because your mother doesn't live with us doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Circumstances change in people's lives, men and women grow apart, it has nothing to do with not loving their children when they can no longer live together. Who said your mother left us for another man?" "Dad, we're not stupid. You and mom seemed to be so much in love and then one day mom is no longer here. Something big had to have happened and it had to be mom who did wrong because she left the house. If you had screwed up you would have been gone, so it had to be mom. Besides, kids hear things even if we're not supposed to. When mom went to live with Aunt Evelyn our cousins overheard the grownups talking and they told us. So, I have to ask again, Dad, how can you say mom loves us when she left us for another man?" I just sat there, stunned. Here I thought we, Todd, Evelyn and I, had been so careful not to talk in front of the children. I guess I should have known I couldn't keep this a secret forever. All I could do now was try to convince her to maintain contact with her mother despite her feelings of rejection and abandonment. "No matter what you think the reason is that your mother left us you have to know that she has never, and will never, stop loving you and your brother. She felt that it was better for you and Jason to live in our house, with me, rather than uproot you so you could be with her. I don't want you to stop seeing your mother, it would be wrong to punish her because your mother and I can't live together any more. I won't force you to see her if that is what you really want to do, but I ask you to think about it. I hope once you do you'll want to continue to see her, no matter what she, or I, have done." She stood there a few seconds, thinking about what I'd said. She shuffled her feet and hung her head but soon she looked back up with a slight smile on her face. "All right, Daddy, we'll think about it. Thanks for leveling with us." She kissed me on the cheek then headed off to her brother's room, I assume to fill him in on what we had talked about. ***** Our lives settled into a new routine and the children did continue their visits with their mother. In fact, they started to stay over at her apartment periodically although Jason wasn't nearly as happy with that arrangement as Christie. It was tough for me the weekends and holidays when the kids were with Kathy. It was pretty lonely in the house on her weekends so I didn't spend a lot of time at home. I started working every other Saturday and I spent the balance of the weekend with my parents. Mom and dad found this to be a mixed blessing of course. They were thrilled to see me more often but the reason for it saddened them as they could see how the situation affected me. I got to know my dad better than I had in years since I would join him on his exercise routine and his walks around the neighborhood. He mostly let me ramble which was good, since I needed to talk but I wasn't looking for solutions as there really were none. My social life dropped off dramatically too. I felt uncomfortable going to cookouts and parties alone, of course. Our friends still invited me to gatherings and when they were family gatherings, with the children involved, I made sure we attended because I wanted to keep their lives as "normal" as possible. There were also the well-meaning friends and family who brought single women friends to these gatherings, making sure they were introduced to me. I tried to date some but it really was too early for me. I wasn't over Kathy, not that I ever would be truly over her, but she still occupied a large part of my thinking and feelings. I know I wasn't much fun on these dates as I never had a second date with any of these women. After a while I asked my friends to stop trying to set me up because I didn't want to waste the women's time. Thank goodness they agreed with me and stopped their match-making activities as I was starting to avoid parties so I wouldn't be set up, which further reduced my social activity. Mom saw that I was spending too much time alone, whether the kids were home or not, so she suggested I explore hobbies or taking classes, something I'd always wanted to do but never had the time for previously. I knew that I needed to do something to occupy my time so I looked into some continuing education classes at the local community college. I found some classes that I could use to better my situation at work, thereby killing two birds with one stone. ***** As much as I tried to avoid hearing about Kathy and her activities some news made its way to my ears. The kids were great, they rarely mentioned their mother except to tell me of their weekend activities, which I was interested in as their father. Where I overheard things is when I would be at Evelyn and Todd's house, for family gatherings or parties. There were too many people who knew both of us to expect them to not talk about the situation> While they were usually careful to avoid the subject when I was near I still overheard things. I found out that Kathy had remarried soon after the divorce and that she seemed to be happy with her new life. I was glad to hear this despite how I felt about the divorce. I still loved Kathy and I didn't want her to be unhappy with her decision. She'd left me for her fantasy life and as strange as this may seem I wanted her fantasy to come true. I guess I truly loved her. I'd rather have her happy with another man than unhappy with me. ***** As time passed and Jason grew older his school and outside activities caused him to miss more and more of his visits with his mother. After all, what high school kid wants to hang out with his parents on the weekend when he's got other activities to vie for his attention. His missing visitation with his mother didn't mean he spent more time with me either so it wasn't like I gained anything in the deal, but I understood. My son was on the basketball team in the fall and the baseball team in the spring. He was also active in student government which took up a lot of his time as well. Christie was active in school activities too but made time to visit her mom as well. I felt it was good for her to have a female influence in her life and who better than her mother. I heard about the shopping trips and the "girl talk" they engaged in and it pleased me that she had such a good role model. I could see that Kathy made sure that Christie knew that a loving relationship with a good man was desirable but not something she needed right now since she was too young to be dating. Kathy and I stressed education and school activities as the most important things for her to concentrate on. She did go out with friends, of course, but only in a group which lessened the pressure the girls might have felt if they had been in a one-on-one situation. Considering everything my children were growing up as well as I could have wanted. I was proud of both of them and told them so often. I had started dating again about the two year anniversary of the divorce. I'd been on the sidelines long enough and I felt the need of some female companionship, if only once in a while. I didn't think I'd ever find another woman I could love like Kathy, but there were a number of nice women who were also looking for companionship, not a serious relationship. My friends introduced me to some really great women and I dated a number of them. Movies, dinner, concerts and other activities were a lot more fun with a companion of the female persuasion. As much as I tried to be up front with these ladies about what I was looking for in these relationships I know a few were disappointed when they wanted to become serious and I politely reminded them that I only wanted to date casually. This conflict usually ended up with the lady and I parting company as friends since I felt uncomfortable wasting the woman's time. Of course when you least expect it and are not even looking for it love finds you and knocks you for a loop. I'd gone to the dentist for my six-month checkup and there was a new hygienist who was cleaning my teeth. She looked to be around my age, early forties, with short brown hair and dark chocolate eyes. What really got me tongue-tied though was her smile. Working in a dentist's office meant she had good teeth, of course, but her smile was so natural and easy that it made me happy just to be there. Since she had her hands in my mouth poking me with a sharp instrument I didn't have much time to talk to her while she worked. I did notice she was not wearing wedding rings, which I took to be a good sign. I found out she had started two months ago, had a son about Jason's age and had been divorced for ten years. She seemed to enjoy talking with me so I gathered my courage and asked her out for lunch the next day. To my surprise she said yes and I went home that evening with a spring in my step I hadn't had in years. I was later getting home than usual, of course, so I had told the kids to eat ahead of me. Christie heard me come in the door and was warming up my dinner when I entered the kitchen. "Hi, Dad, how did your appointment go?" "Fine, no cavities. I'm good to go for another six months. It seems a shame to eat now and ruin the good cleaning I just got," I said, chuckling. "You seem really happy tonight, Dad. What's up, did they give you laughing gas or something?" I tousled her hair as I went to the cabinet to get a glass. "No, smarty-pants, they didn't give me laughing gas. Can't a guy be happy around here without you suggesting I'm under the influence?" I laughed. "Of course you can, Dad. It's just that I haven't seen you in this good a mood in quite a while. It's a nice change of pace that's all. Whatever caused it I hope you do more of it!" I sat down with my plate and started eating. In-between bites I asked about her day and where Jason was. "I had a great day at school, I aced my geometry test and I finished my English paper a week early too. Jason had practice tonight then he's going to Andy's house for dinner, did you forget?" "I guess I did. Congratulations on acing that test, honey. I'm really proud of you!" Christie smiled happily and sat down opposite me while I ate. "Thanks, Dad, I know you're proud of me but it's nice to hear it too. Oh, by the way, what would you like for lunch tomorrow? I'm making lunches tonight because Mrs. Roberts had to leave early." I'd taken to bringing lunch to work to better control my diet and to save a little money too, so I'd asked my housekeeper to pack me a lunch when she made up the ones for the kids. "I won't need a lunch tomorrow, honey, I have a lunch date." "A date? As in a real date? Is this "date" with a woman and everything?" she asked anxiously. She seemed to be squirming in her seat waiting for my answer. "Well, yes, I am meeting a woman for lunch, is that a problem?" I asked with a grin on my face. "Are you kidding! I was wondering when you'd get your head out of your butt and start dating again." "What do you mean?" I asked mock-indignantly. "I've been dating for a while now. You know I've had dates. I go out a couple of times a month with a number of different women." "That's not dating, Dad. That's going out with friends who happen to be female. You were never interested enough in any of them to bring them home or even to see them very often. I'm not complaining, of course, it was nice to see you getting out of the house and being with a woman again, but you can hardly call that dating!" "And what makes you think this lunch "date" is different?" "For one thing, you never asked any of those women out for lunch. You only went out on weekends, never during the week and never for lunch. Second, you've haven't had this air about you when you mentioned your plans before. I don't know why but I have the feeling this woman is different from your usual "date" and I'm glad." "When did you get so smart, Christie? This woman is different than my usual companions. I met her today at the dentist, she works there now. I couldn't get over her smile and her personality and when we talked we seemed to click so I asked her out for lunch and she said yes. Neither of us has much time so I'm going to take her to TGI Friday's for the lunch special. If things work out I think I'll ask her to go out Friday night." "Wow, Dad, that's great! I hope it works out for you. You've been marking time way too long. You're a good-looking guy and you have a lot to offer a woman. I know you were hurting because of the divorce and it's taken a while to get over that. I'm just glad to see you willing to take a chance again." "Whoa, honey," I said seriously, "I think you're reading a lot more into this lunch than you should. I've just met this woman. It's way too early to assume there is more to this than there is." "I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't mean to imply you were getting engaged tomorrow or anything. I'm just pleased to see the positive change in your attitude compared to your usual feelings toward "dating". Is it OK to hope you have a good time tomorrow?" she said smugly. "Yes, it's OK to hope I have a good time. I only hope you haven't jinxed me!" "I haven't, you'll see!" With that she left me to finish my supper alone. ***** I left work a few minutes early for lunch so I'd be on time to pick Heidi up. She was waiting outside her office for me so I stopped and opened the door for her. "Why thank you, kind sir! I could get used to this," she said as she slid into the car. I walked back to my side, climbed back in and off we went. "Where are we going, Paul?" "I was thinking we could go to TGI Friday's. They have a fast lunch special there." "Fine with me, I love TGI Friday's. I asked Dr. Hecht if I could have a little extra time at lunch today and he said it wouldn't be a problem but I'd rather not push it since I haven't been there too long." "Well, we're here, how about I drop you at the door while I park the car? That should save us a few minutes." "Good idea, Paul." By the time I parked and had made my way to the entrance Heidi had a table and was scanning the menu. We ordered and talked a bit while we waited for the food. Conversation lagged a bit as we ate but not so that either of us was uncomfortable. All too soon our lunch hour was up and it was time to head back to work. My initial impression of Heidi as a woman I'd like to know better were only reinforced by our lunch "date" so I decided to ask her about Friday. "I had a really good time today, Heidi. Would you like to go to a movie Friday?" I asked, hopefully. "I'm sorry, Paul, I can't--" I responded before she could continue. "I'm sorry, I hope I wasn't being too forward. I thought you were enjoying yourself today," I said, embarrassed. "Paul, if you had let me finish I would have told you I couldn't go out Friday because I have a previous engagement. My son is in a play at school. I'd love to go out with you again, I just can't go Friday night." She smiled encouragingly to me. "Well, now that I've put my foot in it up to my knee, would you be free on Saturday?" "Yes, Paul, I am free on Saturday, as it happens, what would you have in mind?" she asked coyly. "I would like to take you to a movie and maybe something to eat after. Would that be acceptable to you?" "That is very acceptable. Here's my number, why don't you call me tonight when we both have more time and we can decide on when you can pick me up." She handed me a piece of paper just as I pulled up in front of her office. She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek before she exited the door. "I had a really nice time, Paul. I'll look forward to your call." Before I had a chance to respond the door closed and she was on her way back to work. I returned to work myself and I have to be honest, I didn't get much work done the rest of the day. ***** Dinner that evening was an interesting affair. Jason and Christie grilled me about my lunch date; how it went, what was she like, was I going to see her again, the usual third degree except this time I was on the receiving end, a place I hadn't been since I was their age. I told them that Heidi was a year younger than me, was a single, divorced mother of one boy, 16. She was attractive, of medium height with brown hair and the most gorgeous chocolate brown eyes and that lunch, while hurried due to time constraints, had been very enjoyable. The big question, was I seeing her again, was answered in the affirmative. I mentioned that I was going to call her later this evening to finalize arrangements for a date Saturday night. It was my turn to do the dishes that night but Jason and Christie took over the task so I could make my call without further delay.