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Serena and John: The Conclusion

By: thecelt



Silver Anniversary – The Conclusion

This is a continuation of an earlier story entitled Silver Anniversary. I decided to try to finish this story once and for all. There were a lot of questions left from the Epilog and many felt the story was unfinished. For them I try to end it here. There is no sex in this part.

Thanks for the editing by angel love. 

From the Epilog

"I knew since I had gone through pretty much the same thing you were a decent man and I was sure you would need some assurance. I gave you that assurance and then we both had some pleasure. Now you have nothing to feel guilty about, and neither do I." 

She laughed, pulled me in for a wet kiss, and then she was gone. When she left, she took my sadness, my quilt and my anger with her. I felt light and happy and ready for a new beginning, just as she said. 

I pulled out my PDA. There was a phone number I wanted in there. I was sure I did. 

The Story Continues.

After a short search, I found the number I was looking for. It was for George Cohen, my attorney back in the US. I wanted to give him a call and find out the status of our divorce process. It was likely to be almost over if Serena signed the papers, as I was sure she would. After all, a cool million, the house she loved and me not disclosing her infidelity to our sons. If she were as smart as I knew she was, she would take the deal and run. I think the threat of telling our sons what she had done was probably the clincher. 

I spent the rest of the morning sitting on the lanai in my shorts and t-shirt with no shoes and plenty of beer. I intended on getting shitfaced while I tried to figure out what the hell I was doing. It was going to take the best part of the day just to explain to myself what I had almost done to another man. The biggest question was why would I do that after experiencing the pain myself. I knew the hurt, the self-doubt, the anger, and the depression that was the result, and I remembered how my ego was dashed, believing another man could replace me in my wife's bed. How I could do that to Phil, who I thought was Bitsy's husband, was really bothering me. 

After the third beer, I decided that Bill and Serena's affair had hurt me so badly that I needed to strike back at someone. I had effectively ended Bill's marriage to Sally, or so I assumed; I had hurt Serena by divorcing her; and I had cut her off by leaving the country so that she had no way to look for forgiveness from me. But that apparently was not enough for me. I must have needed more so I went after another man's wife? The fact that she wasn't married was no excuse since I didn't know that at the time. That was a sobering thought, so I had another beer.

As I was nursing my funk, Phil and Bitsy came out of the condo carrying some small traveling bags while two porters carried the rest out to a waiting jitney. Phil tossed them in and walked with Bitsy over to me. Bitsy leaned down to give me a kiss while Phil watched with a smile.

"I'm really going to miss you John. You were the best part of this trip for me and I had a great time, including this morning. You were wonderful and I told Phil how much you meant to me. I won't forget you and I wish you the very best. I think you need some time to heal and then you should reconsider your choices."

She smiled sweetly at me and with another kiss, went back to the waiting jitney. 

Phil watched her go before turning to me.

"You were good for her, you know. She needed to be reminded of just how attractive and desirable she really is. That shithead she was married to was a real putz and he was just after her money. She has quite a bit of her own, not that you seemed to care. I just wanted to say thanks and I wanted to give you my card. I checked up on you and I know all about your reputation in the business. I know Amos Jensen, your company's CEO and he had noting but good to say about you. I could always use someone like you, even if it's just as a part time consultant. If you like to travel, we could probably arrange that. You're too young to retire for good. Give me a call when you decide what you're going to do."

With that he handed me a card, slapped me on the back, and walked toward the waiting jitney. They both waved goodbye as they disappeared down the driveway toward the main building. I watched them go with some sadness, but also with some relief. I wasn't up to a relationship and I had to admit, I could have been close with Bitsy. If she had stayed, I might have ended up with more than I wanted.

I looked at the card Phil had given me and saw that he was the President and CEO of a worldwide company that was a direct competitor of ours, or had been when I was working. He had a point: I was too young to retire permanently. 

I proceeded to get slightly buzzed as I finished off the remainder of the beer in the fridge. I called the lodge with an order for another case and they promised delivery before the day was over. I collapsed on the bed and slept for the better part of the afternoon. I awoke feeling hung over and sick to my stomach. Served me right since it was the first time I had been drunk in over a decade.

I cleaned myself up and went to dinner in the lodge where they had a decent restaurant. It was cool and dark and suited my mood to a T. Several women flirted with me but I assumed they were pros and left them alone. I wanted to be by myself to do some serious thinking. I was more confused now than I was before I left everything behind. I knew I had to find a purpose to my life or I was doomed. Hell of a thing for a 52 year old man to be doing: finding myself! I sounded like a damn cliché.

That evening, I decided to go ahead and call my lawyer and see how things were going back home. I needed to find some closure to my old life and to find some way to move on. The problem was that all my plans before had included Serena and she was no longer with me, so I found myself lost. Yes, I needed to start somewhere and the divorce seemed like the first order of business. Since it was after hours in the US. I decided to wait till the next morning.

So, at 11:00 the next morning, I called George Cohen in Princeton, NJ. He was handling my divorce and had handled most of my affairs for years. He had also helped me to set up the trusts for my sons and for their kids if and when they had them. He was a friend as well as my attorney.

"Hi, George? It's me, John Parsons. How are you?" 

"John, it's great to hear from you. I was just going to give you a call. How is St. Croix? Are you enjoying the time away?"

"It's something else, George. Hey, I just wanted to touch base and see how the divorce is going. Did Serena sign the papers yet?"

"Well, that's what I was going to call you about. Seems Serena is going to fight the divorce. She told her lawyer, that's Pickering & Pickering, Harrison Collins one of the partners, to tell you to do your worst but she wasn't going to give you a divorce without a fight. I tried to tell him what we had and he said she didn't care."

"Did you remind her of the letters for the boys?"

"I specifically told him of the letters, the million and the house. He has the papers that you and I drafted up and he knows all of the details. She doesn't care."

"What's she asking for? Half of everything? Is that what she's after? I guess I'm surprised. I never thought of her as greedy and I thought she wouldn't want the boys to know what she did."

"Damndest thing, John. She isn't asking for anything. She's made no counter offer and she hasn't asked for any attachments to your holdings or assets. She moved out of the house just after you left and she's staying with Ben and Carrie."

"How can she do that? How can she stop the divorce if she isn't making a counter claim or asking the court for something? I don't understand."

"She really hasn't done anything except refuse to sign the papers. The only thing she's touched is the account you left open for her. She's been using it to pay bills, and expenses and the like. The next move is up to us. I was trying to think of something to get her moving again but I don't know what. She isn't afraid of any of the things you hit her with before you left. If she keeps this up, the whole thing will drag on for months until the court finally puts it on the calendar. What do you want to do? Any more ammunition up your sleeve, John?" 

"Nothing right now. Let me think about this and get back to you. You have my number here?"

"Got it and just relax and let me do the worrying. At worst, you'll just have to wait a while longer than you planned. I'll talk to you soon."

I hung up in confusion. What in the world was she trying to do? She must know I could go to the boys as I threatened. Didn't she care about them? And why would she turn down a million dollars and then ask for nothing. She must have some plan in mind.

The only thing I could do was call Ben and see what he knew. But even if I did, I wasn't sure I wanted to tell him what his mother had done, at least not by phone. Maybe I could make plans to meet with him and Michael when I got home. That seemed like the best plan. Since it was still early, I called the desk and had them make arrangements for a flight back to the US at the earliest opportunity and to send someone down to help me pack up my things. I was ready to get back home and to get my life under some control. 

While I was waiting, I decided to call Ben. I had his work number and decided it would be best to call him there so as not to risk getting Serena on the phone. If she was staying with them, it might be embarrassing for everyone. I could talk to him at work and make plans to meet him when I got there.

I called the office where Ben worked and got his secretary. I told her who it was and she said not to hang up because Ben wanted to talk to me urgently. Urgently? That didn't sound like Ben. But, I waited anyway.

"Dad, is that you? Where are you? Are you back in the states yet? I need to talk to you about mom." Ben sounded sort of out of breath. 

"You sound like you just ran up two flights of stairs. What's up and why do you need to talk to me so badly?"

"That's exactly what I did. Sherrie called me from the production floor and I ran up here to answer. When are you coming home? I want to talk to you before you do anything."

"What about? I know mom is living with you guys but I don't know why. I gave her the damn house and enough money to buy two more. All she had to do was sign the damn divorce papers! Can you tell me why she didn't?"

"Dad, I need to talk to you. Come home now. Stop this running around the world crap and come back now."

"Well, that's what I was calling about. I'm checking out today and I'll take the first plane back that I can get. I wanted to meet with you when I got in but I'm not sure yet when that'll be. I'll call your cell when I know for sure. OK?"

"OK. That's great. I'll wait for your call but remember, don't do anything until I talk to you. Have a safe trip and call me!"

The lodge office called about an hour later and told me that they had me booked on the last flight out this evening. It left at 5:08 and would get into Newark at about 11:30 pm with one stop in Charlotte, NC. I confirmed and we got to the airport with time to spare. I was on my way home. I knew that I had a furnished apartment waiting in one of the suites located on Rt. 1 but wasn't sure which one. I put in a call to George to make sure it was ready for me. I could rent a car until I got mine back from Ben. 

We left St. Croix and the Henry Rohlsen Airport behind and I arrived on schedule in Newark that evening. I was beat and ready to find my room and a bed: it had been a big day for me. Once in the car, I relaxed and began to think about tomorrow. It was likely to be busy and probably not very pleasant. Well, that's how I left it just over two weeks ago so nothing much should have changed. With this thought I pulled in to the Summerfield Suites just after 1:00 AM and left my suitcases unpacked until the next morning. I hit the bed and remembered nothing until the next day.

I called Ben at his office late the next morning and agreed to meet him at the Ruby Tuesday's just down from where I was staying. Since he worked in Princeton, it would be convenient for him as well. He said he would leave work early and meet me for lunch. I didn't have anything to eat or drink yet and I needed coffee in the worst way so I went early and waited for him there. 

I had my coffee and got a paper to read while I waited. I was sitting in a booth by the window and watched him arrive. He was a good looking man, our oldest at 24 years, out of college with a great job with a good company. He was going to go far with his good looks and sharp mind. I was so proud of him. He and Carrie were about to start their family and I couldn't wait to be a grandfather. At least that wasn't something that could be taken from me. 

Ben came into the restaurant, looked around and spotted me. He moved into the seat across the table from me and smiled. 

"Hi pop, how are you doing? You look good. I see you got some sun while you were there. Looks good on you. I'm glad you called me today because it's important that we talk. You know mom's staying with us now?"

"So George Cohen told me. What I can't figure is why? Why isn't she staying at the house? She loved that place and that's why I left it to her. She can certainly afford to stay there even without the settlement I offered her."

"I don't know anything about your settlement offer. All I know is what mom told Michael and me when she asked to stay with us."

"That figures. I guess she didn't tell you why we split up did she?"

He just frowned at me and then hit me with a major surprise. 

"She told us you found out that she was having an affair with Bill Collins. Isn't that why you filed for divorce? Isn't that what the problem was at the party that night? You didn't think Mike and I noticed, but we did."

"I'm shocked that she told you. I told her I wouldn't tell you boys unless she decided to fight me for the divorce. She didn't have to do that. I guess I'm surprised that she would try to take half of our assets rather than the million with the house that I offered her without contesting it. I never thought that of her. I guess she had no problem telling you what she did."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. There are some things you need to know. First, she called Michael and I together the day after the party and told us what she had done. She admitted the affair and she said that she was completely at fault and that you had done nothing to drive her away."

"I'm not so sure that I was completely innocent. I never told her that I was moving toward retirement and that it was going to be so soon. Maybe if I had, she wouldn't have felt so frustrated."

"That's not how she put it. But anyway, the second thing is that she doesn't want the house. She said it was our home but with you gone, there was no longer any reason to keep it. She wanted to sell it outright but we talked her out of it for now."

I was even more surprised by that. She loved that house and always had. She said many times she never wanted to move from there and that we could grow old there.

"The final thing you need to know is that she is going to fight you on the divorce with everything she has. She doesn't want anything from you, but she will try to stop you from divorcing her. She says she doesn't have much of a chance but she will try to delay it as long as possible."

"Why would she do that? I obviously wasn't enough for her and I wasn't meeting her needs toward the end. She didn't care enough to even talk to me about what was happening and she decided to take matters into her own hands and sleep with my best friend. He was a scumbag but she wasn't much better. I don't know what she wants from me."

"She wants to talk to you. She wants you to give her some time: just you and her without lawyers or us. She says to tell you that if you will talk to her and let her tell you her side of things, she will give up her fight over the divorce without any strings attached. All she wants is some time alone with you."

"I don't know what she could say that would make any difference. She threw our marriage away without giving me a chance. She thought so little of me and our wedding vows that she deliberately betrayed me with someone I trusted almost as much as I trusted her."

"Dad, you have to talk to her. I know you're mad and hurt and I don't blame you. Neither does she. She just wants a chance to talk to you before you throw away 25 years. That's not much to ask. Michael and I both want you to do this. We don't think it's too much to ask to try to save our family. What you and she did affects Mike and me too, you know. We hurt because you guys hurt."

I thought about what Ben said and I had to agree that she wasn't asking much. I really never bothered to talk to her before I left. I was angry and hurt and in pain and I ran away. I went as far away as I could and I wanted to leave it all behind. And I never even considered the boys and their feelings; I was so caught up in my own hurt. 

But I also had to admit that I was so screwed up that I almost did something as hurtful to another as she had done to me. That was wrong and I knew it, but I was willing to do it anyway. That was what she had done to me. I needed to face her and try to resolve my feelings one way or another. I needed to put my anger behind me.

"All right. Talk to your mother and call me with a time and place and we can talk."

"Great. I'll talk to mom as soon as I get back to work. She is at home right now so I'll be able to call you back this afternoon. Do you have a phone yet?"

"No, just call my cell. That's not changed."

I thought some more about what he had told me and decided to ask some more questions. Some things I needed to know.

"Ben, what about Bill and Sally? Have you heard anything about them? Is your mother in touch with Bill still? I never asked George when I talked to him."

"Sally told Bill to leave that night and she started on a divorce the next day. She served him just last week and she won't even talk to him. Mom hasn't talked to him either even though he called our house several times. I finally told him to stop calling or I would call the police."

"I guess cheating costs a lot. It's unfortunate that the price is so high even to those who were innocent in the whole thing. Sally is an example. She never did anything to deserve what Bill did to her. I understand that Serena wasn't the first time either."

Ben spent another half hour with me before he had to go back to work. I remembered to ask after Carrie and if they were having any luck with the baby making. He just laughed, saying that they were both enjoying the trying but so far, no baby. They hadn't given up though and were giving it some time before worrying. I offered encouragement and support. I remembered Serena and me trying to have Ben. We were lucky that she got pregnant almost right away. Same with Michael. 

Ben left and I went back to the Summerfield. I went out for some provisions and unpacked my suitcases and looked over my new home. It wasn't bad, but it was not very homey: just adequate. But, it was all I needed for now. I curled up for a nap to try to get myself back on track. Not working was definitely a test of my ability to discipline my time. So far, I wasn't doing too well.

The phone jolted me out of a sound sleep. It was Ben with the news that Serena wanted to meet me for dinner that evening at a restaurant in Princeton. I knew the place and I agreed. He said she would drive herself and she would meet me there at 7:00. I asked him about my car, and he said he would have Carrie drive it in tomorrow if I could take her back home. I agreed without hesitation. I missed my Mercedes CLK 55. He laughed and said she would miss it even more. 


Serena and John: The Conclusion



I slept some more and woke early in the afternoon feeling much better. I fixed myself some coffee and tried to relax. I had to admit I was looking forward to that evening with mixed feelings. On one hand, I wanted to see Serena again, just to see her and talk to her. I still loved her and she was still the most beautiful woman in the world to me. That hadn't changed. On the other hand, the pain was still fresh in my heart and the anger was close to the surface. I wasn't sure what I was going to do or say. 

At 6:45, I left to drive to the restaurant. I was going to be right on time; not early or late. Childish maybe, but I was not above that yet. As it was, the traffic was all going out of Princeton so I had little trouble getting there on time. I parked close by and walked in right at 7:00. I was inordinately proud of that little accomplishment. 

I stood just inside the door, looking for her and spotted her almost immediately. She was sitting at a small table close to the window and she was watching me with a smile on her face. I wasn't ready for the jolt that smile gave me. God! She could still do that to me after 25 years. My breath caught in my chest and I had to blink a couple of times before I got myself under control. I smiled back and moved toward her. I used the time to calm myself down.

She rose to greet me and I noticed that she had on the necklace that I had given her for our anniversary. She unconsciously fingered it with one hand as she watched me.

"Hello John. You look great. The sun and the ocean certainly did you some good. I'm not surprised: you needed the time away from work with all its pressure and demands on you. I'm glad you were able to relax."

I waited until she was seated and then sat down across from her. She looked great in a beautiful light green blouse that showed off her beautiful figure. The neckline was low enough to show off the necklace and it lay nestled in her cleavage and gleamed against her flawless skin. She looked poised and graceful and very beautiful. It was hard not to notice the admiring glances from the men around us. I had always been proud to be seen with her and she always looked wonderful.

"Thanks. You're right. I was almost exhausted and the time in St. Croix was just what I needed to catch up on my sleep and find time to just do nothing. You look great yourself. Carrie must be a great cook."

She just smiled at the reference to Carrie. We both knew she couldn't cook water without help. I assumed she had taken over the cooking duties. I watched her face. She seemed relaxed and in control. That was typical of Serena. Beautiful and always in control. In a way, that disappointed me. I had hoped to see her a little more distraught or upset. It would have been good for my ego.

"Well, I won't say Carrie is a great cook but she and Ben have been good to me. I really appreciate the way they took me in without a complaint. Most wives would not have been so generous to their mother."

"She is something else. Ben tells me they are working on a little Ben or Carrie but not having too much luck so far."

"They certainly are trying. It's sometimes a little embarrassing when Ben comes home for lunch and they disappear. I try not to notice but you know how that is. I find it rather sweet." 

I watched her as she talked about our son and his wife. She was very proud of Ben and she loved Carrie. I knew that they would have been a godsend to her when I left the way I did. Ben was a wonderful son and a good person: he would not have been judgmental towards Serena, in spite of her confession. Once again, I regretted what I did and how I did it. Not cool, as the kids say.

I decided that I should try to bring this discussion back to the point. I found that I didn't want to do that but I resisted the impulse to just ignore it and continue talking to her as if we had no cares in the world other than our family.

"Well, I must admit that I was very surprised to find from George that you hadn't signed the divorce papers. I thought the offer I made to you was more than fair and there was no reason for you to have had to tell Ben and Michael of our problems. Was it the money? Did you want more?"

"The money? Why would you think that? You didn't have any money when you asked me to marry you, but I said yes anyway. We had no money when we decided to have Ben, but we went ahead anyway. We had even less money when Michael came along but we loved him dearly. I was happy to go back to work when the boys were older to help put money aside for their educations, and I never wanted to quit when your parents died and left us that money, but you insisted. Money was never an important part of my life with you John."

All that she said was true. She had never wanted money or the things that money could buy. When she was working, she put aside everything she earned into the savings account we set up for the boys. She never went on spending sprees for herself and when she did spend money, it was on things for the house or for our boys. She was the one that suggested we put the money from my parents into an investment account and forget it was there until we agreed to retire.

"I'm sorry. You're right about that and I should have known better. But, if not the money, why did you move out of the house? You picked it out and you always loved it. You decorated it from top to bottom. It is your house more than mine."

"A house is not a home, John. When we were together, it was our home and I loved it. Now that you have moved out, it is just a house again, lonely, and sad with some very bad memories. Not someplace I want to be any longer. I wanted to sell it but Ben and Michael convinced me to wait. I don't know why."

"OK, I can maybe see that, but then what on earth convinced you to tell Ben and Mike what you did? I would never have gone through with that threat; you must know that."

"I had to tell them because they began to talk about you leaving and it made them angry to think that you would do something like that to me. I couldn't let them think that, so I told them. They heard me out and they forgave me. They hated what I did and they hated what I had done to you and to our family and they had unkind words to say about Bill Collins, but they forgave me. That was the worst thing for me; they forgave me even after I had done something so awful to our family. You can't believe how much that hurt to know that I had done that. It still does."

I watched her face as she told me this. I could see the pain in her eyes as she told me of telling our sons what she had done. Maybe it was worse for her to admit this to them; maybe worse than she felt for doing it to me. These were our children, and they were our life for many years. Losing their love would have been devastating to Serena or to me for that matter.

"Serena, please tell me. If it wasn't the money or the house, and you felt compelled to tell Ben and Mike what you did, than why haven't you signed the divorce papers? What's left?"

"You!"

"What do you mean me?"

"I don't want to be divorced from you John. Not now and not ever. I don't want our marriage to end. I love you and always have. I never stopped even when I was with Bill, and I haven't stopped just because you left me."

"But you know why I left you. You cheated on me and you betrayed our marriage."

"Yes, I did that and I regret it. I made a terrible mistake and I am paying a heavy price for it, as I should. I lost your trust and respect; my children hate what I did; and I hate myself. I admit all of that, but it was a terrible, terrible mistake and I want you to forgive me."

"How can I forgive you for what you did? You hurt me and tore my heart out. You made my life a living hell and it made me do things that I'm not proud of. While I was in St. Croix, I almost did to another man what you and Bill did to me. It wasn't my fault that I didn't. I found out later that she was divorced but I thought at the time she was married, and to a man that I knew. I was willing to take her without a thought about her husband. That's what you made of me."

Serena responded in some anger to that. "No, that is what you let your anger and hurt make of you. I will not take responsibility for that. And remember, you were still married to me when you did that. How could you do that if you were so hurt by what I did? Aren't you being just a little hypocritical? Aren't you blaming me for doing exactly what I did? You're saying, 'She made me do it'. I don't think you can blame me for the things you do in anger. 

She paused and then continued. "But if you can stay here and work with me to try to help me understand why I did that to you and to us, I'm sure that your pain and anger will be less than trying to go it alone."

I was glad that she picked a public place for this discussion because I was becoming furious. Not so much with her, but with what she was saying. I knew she was very close to the truth and I had to agree with most of what she said but I wasn't happy about it. As a result, I just sat there without responding. Serena seemed so calm and so cool. How could she be calm? I was furious and she was calm!

"I don't know about any of this. The anger and the pain are still very new and very raw. How can you expect me to just say 'OK, I forgive you'? How can you expect that from me? What you did with Bill Collins is still very much in my head. I can't stop thinking of the two of you together in that room and I can still hear the words that the two of you used with each other. How am I supposed to forget that?"

"You can't forget that as long as you choose to be alone with nothing but your anger and pain. They won't let you forget. And I don't expect you will ever completely forget it. I know I won't. I will remember it every day of my life and I will regret it every day of my life but I have to move ahead. I can't continue to suffer because of what I did. That is over and it will never happen again. I want to move forward with you, but if that's not to be, I'll do it alone."

I looked around the restaurant. No one was paying any attention to us as we played out our little drama. We had ordered only coffee and the waitress was looking our way, waiting to see if we were going to order dinner. I noticed her and shook my head negatively and she turned away. We were effectively alone. I turned back to see Serena watching me and I caught the pain in her eyes before she blocked her emotions again. That took me by surprise since I had assumed that she was the calm one. I expected that since she was the one that had cheated on me and had nothing to hide any longer she would be calmer than I. Apparently that was not the case. 

Suddenly I felt a little more in control and in little more cheerful. Misery does love company. As I thought that, I remembered the last time I saw her: in our driveway. She had collapsed to the ground in tears as I drove away and I remember thinking that she finally felt the pain I had been feeling. She showed it again in that one glance.

"I need some time to think about what you've said tonight. I was taken by surprise since I fully expected you to sign the papers without a fight. I see now that I was mistaken and I need to reassess my position. Can we just have dinner and not talk any more about this tonight?"

"If that's what you want. I'm sorry but I don't see why you would have expected me to sign that divorce petition under your conditions. I thought you knew me better than that. If you need time, sure. But if you aren't willing to stay and fight for our marriage, I wish you would tell me now so I can make plans. I have a lot that I'll have to do: find a job and a place to live and that will take some time. I expect to make my own way. I really don't want your money."

I responded finally with the anger that had been building as we talked. I was still hurting but she seemed to be fine: willing to move on with or without me. How could she be so cold and cruel?

"And I don't see how you could have cheated on me and not expected me to do what I did. Why would you think I could just accept your affair and move on? And especially with Bill, my supposed best friend. What on earth allowed you to betray me so easily? How could you throw away 25 years of marriage for that bastard? You had been doing this for months and you shut me out in the bedroom while you were screwing Bill. You're right. Apparently we didn't know each other as well as we thought we did. I sure as hell didn't know you!"

That took Serena by surprise. It was the first time I had let my anger at her affair control what I said. Up to this point, I had talked in general about what she and Bill had done, and the pain and anger it caused, but not directly attacked her. It was almost as though it were something abstract that we were discussing. Now I had brought it to the front and it was as unpleasant as I had thought it would be: for both of us.

I continued in a low voice, trying to bring my anger back in control and not attract unwanted attention. To do this, I leaned across the table and spoke directly to her as calmly as I could. 

"You did this to me, first and foremost. You cheated on me with my best friend and you did it willingly and behind my back. You broke your marriage vows to me and to God and you did it more than once. You hadn't stopped when I caught you and I don't know if you ever had any intentions on stopping. I know that the only reason you did stop was that I caught you both."

"I never knew that you were that unhappy. You never came to me to tell me that our marriage was in trouble. I admit that I was preoccupied with work but I had a goal for the both of us and I was working as hard as I could toward that goal. I trusted you to keep our home and marriage and tell me if I was not keeping up my end of the bargain. You chose instead to deny our marriage and me and turn to another man; someone that I trusted almost as much as I trusted you. That's what you're asking me to accept and to move beyond. Don't you see what you did to me? Can't you understand?"

Suddenly, Serena was no longer the one calm, collected and in control. Suddenly she looked lost, and alone, and hurting. It was only now that I unloaded my anger and pain onto her that she knew what I had been feeling. Suddenly, the 'affair' that she had effectively depersonalized, was now coming home to rest on her head. It was not what she had expected and she was not prepared. 

Since I walked out on her, she hadn't been forced to confront the effect it had on me. When she told the boys, she only had her feelings to deal with. They would have been angry but supportive and she could minimize the effect of her actions. They probably spoke of my forgiving nature and she began to believe that all she had to do was talk to me and make me forgive her. All would be as it was.

Serena had a stricken look on her face. Her eyes were glistening with the tears that were about to fall and she could only shake her head back and forth, repeating "no, no, no" over and over. She finally choked out some words.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this any more. Please call Ben and let him know when you want to talk again. If you want to talk again. I have to go now." 

With that, she got up and almost ran from the restaurant. I watched her go in shock, not realizing immediately the effect my words had on her. Could she really be in the dark about what I was feeling and how I saw her infidelity? Apparently that was the case. I had to think about that. I noticed several people glance my way as they watched Serena leave the restaurant. I signaled the waitress for the check. I might as well go back to the apartment. This was going to be a long night.

After a microwave dinner and a cold beer, I spent that evening deep in thought. I was totally confused now that I had talked with Serena. This was not as simple and straightforward as I had first assumed it to be. I was not the only one hurting. Serena had yet to face the consequences of her actions and my exit after the party had delayed that confrontation. The brief meeting we had at the restaurant tonight had just broken through her carefully constructed block: avoiding my feelings and my reactions. 

Now that the block was gone, she had some real thinking to do. Maybe her simple plan to get back together and move on would be left behind. Maybe now she would see that there was nothing simple about it. I went to bed later that night, wondering if and when I should meet with her again. If I did, this time we would have it out, once and for all and we would indeed move on. But alone or together: I didn't know.

I spent some time talking with George Cohen about the divorce and my affairs and I let two days pass before I called Ben to see if he and Michael could meet me for lunch or dinner in the next day or so. Ben was glad to hear from me and said he would talk with Mike and get back to me. He asked if I wanted to talk to mom again but I told him to tell her that I wanted to talk with them first. 

We set up a dinner meeting for the next day. We would meet at a place in Trenton that they knew. Ben said it was great for steaks and we made plans for 6:30. Now that I had my Mercedes, I was more comfortable driving around. It had a navigation system so I couldn't get lost.

Dinner was great and we rehashed old times and I got caught up on their family plans. Seems Michael and his wife Julie were thinking of babies as well. We had fun talking about the trying and the fun and the lack of spontaneity. It was a blast talking with my sons about that. I gave them some background on the times when Serena and I were trying, but we really had had no problems at all. Both boys came easily and early on in the trying. As we talked, I felt nothing out of the ordinary and that was a surprise. I think love of family is far removed from the problems of a marriage. It seems to be neutral ground.

"The reason I asked you guys to dinner is that I am having a hard time trying to decide what your mother is doing. She wants me to forgive her and move on but as we talked, I got the distinct impression that she doesn't really understand what she has done. I wanted to ask you what she told you about what happened. I don't want you to break any confidences, but remember, I already know what happened and I actually recorded a number of their phone calls and their meetings so I don't need details. Nothing that happened will be a surprise to me. I really just want to know what she told you."

Mike and Ben looked at each other and Mike nodded to Ben, giving him the go ahead. That was typical; Ben usually took the lead as the older one. 

"Mom called Mike and me together two days after you walked out on her. That would be that Sunday, I guess. She asked us to come to the house but wouldn't tell us why. She said she wanted to wait until we were all together to talk."

"I asked her where you were and she said you had gone on a trip somewhere. She wouldn't say any more until we were together. I called Mike and told him to come over as soon as he could and that I was worried by the sound of her voice. He came over right away and together we went to the house."

"Mom was sitting at the kitchen table and she looked like she had been crying a lot. She wasn't even dressed and had on that old ratty robe she wears. The kitchen was full of dirty dishes and nothing had been put away. We thought she had been sick, and we were so shocked at her appearance we were about to call the doctor when she got mad and told us to just sit down and listen. We did and she told us you had left her. Just walked out after the party and she had no idea of where you were or how to reach you. She just started crying again and we had no idea of why."

"Mike and I were angry that you had left her and we started yelling at each other about how to find you and what we were going to tell you when we found you. We were going at it hot and heavy until she slammed her fist down on the table and screamed at us to stop. We were so surprised that we shut up right away. We were more surprised at the anger we saw in her face."




Serena and John: The Conclusion



"Your father did not leave me! I drove him away! I had an affair! I cheated on him with Bill Collins and he found out and he left me. That's what happened and he isn't the one to blame. I am!" 

I guess we were both so shocked we didn't know what to say. Mom was still staring at us with so much anger that we thought we had done something wrong. She watched us impatiently and finally said again:

"Don't you understand me? I did it, he didn't. It's my fault and he hates me now and I don't blame him. I suppose you hate me too. You should for what I did."

"We were finally able to get her calmed down and we both took turns holding her and talking to her and we both told her we didn't hate her. I think we both told her we forgave her for hurting you and for driving you away. We didn't know what else to say. It was pretty bad."

I listened with some surprise and a great deal of sadness. What I had expected would give me pleasure instead caused me only pain. I wanted her to hurt and to feel what I felt, but this was far more than I was prepared for. I never considered what it would do to our children to hear the truth. Nor had I thought of the tremendous pain and guilt that would come to Serena by telling her children that she had done the unthinkable; she cheated on their father and drove him away and out of their lives.

As I thought about what Ben told me, I finally asked him how she had been since our meeting three days ago. I was uneasy and a little concerned. Apparently Serena was not quite as strong as she wanted me to believe and I worried that she might do something crazy. 

"Mom never told us how the meeting went. She came home early that evening and went to her room and stayed there all evening. The next day, she refused to talk about it and came out of her room only long enough to fix some dinner. She wouldn't even eat with us. She hasn't been out of the house since that night."

Ben reached into his coat jacket and pulled out a small package. He laid it on the table in front of me.

"When I told mom I was meeting with you and Mike tonight for dinner, she didn't say anything but she did go into her room and came out later with this package. All she said was to give it to you and tell you to listen to it all the way through. I presume it is a tape recording of some kind. I didn't open it so I'm not sure."

I knew exactly what it was. I left it there on the table that morning after the confrontation with Bill and Serena and Sally. I had forgotten about it and really never wanted to hear it again. The tape left in the player was a consolidation of several phone calls and one meeting. I had left it with the original tapes sitting next to the player when I left. I didn't know which tape was in the player but I assumed I would find out.

"What exactly did she ask you to tell me? Exactly?"

"She just said to tell you to listen to it all the way through. That's all she said before she went back into her room."

"Thanks. I know what she means, I think. Anyway, what do you two think about this whole thing? I never took the time to talk to you about it and I apologize for that. I guess you know now why I took off but I don't know whether that was the best thing to do or not. At the time, I wasn't thinking too clearly. I was, and still am, very angry and hurt. More at the betrayal of trust on both your mother's and Collins' part than anything else. I still love your mother, but I lost my trust because of her affair and I don't know whether I can get it back. It's hard to explain, and I just hope it never happens to you." 

Michael took over at this point. Again they shared that look that they had between them ever since they were just kids. Mike sort of nodded and began.

"You have to know that what we want is for the two of you to work this out and get back together. Mom screwed up big time, but she's sorry and devastated by it and she's desperate to find some way to get you back. She and Julie have discussed it over and over and she always ends up crying. Carrie and Julie have both talked to her and they have taken her out to lunch and shopping and over to the house to get some things, but still mom ends up sad and discouraged. She's taking this pretty hard in case you hadn't thought about it. You've been so wrapped up in your own self pity that you don't realize you're not the only one in pain. It hurts Ben and me as well. We hate this and we hate what she did, but you disappointed us too. You ran away and didn't even try." 

Well, I asked for it and they gave it to me, and they were right. I did leave and I gave no one else any consideration. I ran for me and to hell with everyone else. I remembered the look on Sally's face as well. I had handed her a real hot potato and just turned away leaving her with the mess to clean up alone. I never even bothered to check up on her after telling her I would be there for her. 

"I can't explain how I felt to you guys. Only understand that I now know I let some people down as well. That's why I came back as soon as I did. Let me think about what I want to do next and I'll call you, Ben. You can keep Mike updated as well. In the meantime, I'll listen to this tape as your mother requested and then I'll let you know."

With that, we ended the evening and I went back to the apartment to think and to listen to the tape. I wondered what she had put on it or what it was that I was supposed to listen to until the end. I know that I didn't have the strength to listen to their afternoon in the hotel room all the way through. All I did remember was getting sick to my stomach as I listened to as much as I could stand. I hoped that wasn't what she intended. Maybe to hurt me again as I had hurt her at the restaurant? That didn't sound like her.

I put on some coffee and made myself as comfortable as I could. I opened the package and, sure enough, it was the small recorder I had left that morning. I popped the cover to find the tape of the afternoon at the hotel. I noticed that it was wound part way through so I left it as it was and pushed play.

What I heard surprised me. According to the counter, it picked up after about 30 minutes into their tryst. I had listened to it almost as far as this and then shut it off. I had heard enough at the time. I had already known about them by then and this tape was only a confirmation of what I already knew. That's why I didn't bother listening to it completely.

The sounds I heard seemed to be of Serena in the bathroom. I could hear water running and Bill's voice calling to her.

"Serena? What are you doing? Come on back out here and let me get you off. I know you didn't cum, so come on babe." Nothing from Serena, and Bill was mumbling to himself but I couldn't make it out.

"There you are. Why are you dressed already? We have plenty of time and I'm not through with you yet. Come here and let me take those clothes off of you."

"Bill, we have to talk. I just want you to listen and let me say what I have to say. OK?"

"Why are you so serious babe? We're just having fun and it's no big deal. Just come on over here to big Billy and let me take your mind off of serious stuff."

"No! Bill, we're through. This is the last time I'm going to be with you. You had some fun but it's over. I hope you'll accept that and let it go. I should never have begun this but I did and now I have to end it. I came this last time just to be fair to you."

"Ah, come on Serena. There's no need to do this. We're just having fun. No one is getting hurt and they don't ever have to find out. Just come on back to me and let me make you feel good again."

"Bill, get serious. As a lover and I use that term loosely, you're pretty poor. I haven't had a climax with you since the very first time, and then it was only because it was exciting and dirty and dangerous. After that it was just dull, and I faked it. I have no idea why I continued with it. You're selfish and you don't even come close to satisfying me like John does. I don't mean to make you mad, but it's true."

"You bitch! You never said anything before this. You wanted me to fuck you and you loved me treating you like a slut! You loved the things I said to you and the names I called you. You ate it up. Don't tell me you weren't feeling anything. I can tell."

"I let you treat me like a slut because that's how I was acting. Like a cheap street whore. The only difference is that you got me for free. I let you treat me like that because that's how it felt being with you. You were getting off but I wasn't. The more you insulted me and the more names you called me, the worse I felt and that was what I wanted. I wanted to feel the shame and the humiliation for what I was doing. It was what I deserved! You can't understand but I love my husband more than life itself. He hurt me, but I now realize he didn't do it intentionally. He loves me and I know everything he did was for us. I did this to him with my eyes wide open and the shame of it is something I have to live with! But you aren't!"

"Damn you, Serena. Come here and I'll show you what it feels like for a real man to fuck you. John couldn't satisfy you and that's why you came to me. Don't deny it. You loved my cock inside you and you can't do without it."

"Goodbye Bill. You stay here and tell yourself that you believe all that crap but you really know better. Sally must be very disappointed with you if what you showed me is the best you can do. I feel sorry for her."

With that, I heard the door open and then shut. Then nothing, since the transmitter was voice activated, it shut off soon after she left the room. I checked the tape and found another hour or so but when I listened on fast forward, it was only the radio in the car and then some sounds as Serena mumbled to herself and then more later as she was unloading the car at home. She must have stopped at the store on her way home because I could hear the loudspeaker and then someone talking to her about the weather. What I had originally thought to be an hour and a half of Bill and Serena screwing in the hotel room was actually less than 30 minutes. The rest was nothing.

I reviewed what I had just heard. I think Serena wanted me to hear this because of what I said to her about quitting her affair. I told her that I had no idea whether she had any intention of quitting. This was her answer. I didn't know yet how I felt about what I heard. I would have to let it stew for a while. 

I slept fitfully that night, hearing the words over and over in my head. I would hear Serena saying goodbye to Bill and hear Bill's anger and humiliation and I would smile, but then I would hear Serena telling Bill to fuck her hard and fast like a whore. It was like being lifted up to the peak and then falling down to certain death. I woke several times drenched in sweat. I finally gave up, went into the living room and turned on the TV. Eventually I fell asleep on the couch and woke sometime late the next morning, exhausted.

The next morning, I called Ben to set up another meeting with Serena. I told him this time to make it somewhere private so that we could talk openly and at length. I had enough of the public settings. He said he would talk to Serena and call me back. 

After what seemed like hours, but in fact was only 45 minutes, Ben called to tell me Serena would be coming to my apartment just after lunch. She told him to tell me she was coming whether I wanted her to or not. When I replied in some anger that it wasn't her decision, he said he told her that too, and she said that I could just leave if I wanted to. She would know then that I didn't want to talk to her very badly and she wouldn't bother me again. That left it up to me. I would be there.

At 1:30, Serena knocked on my door. I sat there in my chair, suddenly very nervous and agitated. I wasn't at all sure what I was going to say or do. I wondered what she would do if I just didn't answer, and realized that I didn't want to know. I pulled myself together and went to the door. 

I opened the door to see a very different Serena from the one at the restaurant. This Serena was pale, with red eyes and no makeup. This Serena was one I hadn't seen before. Gone was the calm and collected woman I remembered so well and the one that I spoke with four days ago. I was shocked at the difference in so short of a time. I noticed with a start that she still had on the necklace that I had given her the night of our anniversary party. That moved me for some reason.

"Hi, Serena, come in please." I held the door as, saying nothing, she moved past me into the open room that served as living room and dining room. The kitchen was open and separated only by a half wall with stools that served as a dinette. I had a bedroom and a bathroom and a pretty large closet. This was home.

Serena looked around without much interest and then went to the couch. She took off her coat and sat down in the very center, leaving no room for me. It was clear that she wanted me in the chair facing her and not beside her. After that cursory glance around the apartment, she looked down at her hands in her lap. 

"Did you listen to the tape? Did you hear the answers to your questions? I knew you wouldn't believe me so I listened to all of that garbage until I found the part I knew was there somewhere." 

Serena said all of this with a voice devoid of any emotion or feeling. It was as if she were doing something she felt was necessary but had no real interest in the details.

"Yes, I did. I never had the stomach to listen much past the first few minutes before. I just assumed the rest of the tape would be more of the same. As it was, it was still fairly painful."

"But you wanted to know, so now you know. Since you have no trust in me anymore, I knew I had to prove anything I say about that time." Same flat voice and same lack of emotion.

"I still can't for the life of me figure out why you did it in the first place. OK, so our sex life was in the tank, but I never thought you were so crazy about sex that you would go out looking for it with someone else. I never would have believed that of you."

Serena continued looking at her hands with that same dead look but smiled a little. Apparently I had said something funny to her. I didn't know what it was.

"Is something about that funny? Something I should know about? It seems that there is a lot about you that I didn't know." 

I spoke with some anger. Her seeming lack of concern was beginning to piss me off. Why was she even here? What was the purpose of all of this? 

"It isn't funny John. That's not what I was smiling about. I was just thinking of the same question myself. Why would I do what I did? It made no sense at the time and it makes no more sense now when I think back on it. It was so out of character that it's almost funny. And Bill: he was a joke and a pretty lousy one as well. If I was that crazy about sex as you put it, I would certainly have been disappointed after the very first time. So, it certainly wasn't the sex. That's for damn sure."

She just shook her head and continued to look down at her hands, clasped together in her lap. She had not moved or looked up since she sat down. 

"Serena, look at me. I need you to start at the beginning and tell me what happened to us. I need to know what I did to drive you away and why you let me. I need to know how you were able to put aside the promises we made to each other. I need to understand. Please help me to understand what happened."

Serena briefly looked up at me and I could see the pain and the hopelessness in her eyes. I had never seen that before, even on the morning I walked out on her: panic, some hurt, but not this. I was taken aback for a moment and I felt a jolt of pain myself.

"If I do this, you have to let me do it my way. I'm not going to get into a shouting match with you and I don't want to answer questions until I have said all I need to say. If you can agree to that, I'll try to do as you ask."

"I agree. I'll try to keep my cool but I may get angry and break in. If I do, just wait till I calm down and then go on. OK?"

She just nodded and paused, collecting her thoughts before beginning.

"I began to see that my life was twisting out of control the day you saw Bill and I at the hotel. That was the first time we had been together when you were not traveling to Johnsonville. It was a break in our pattern; one that we had begun about 6 weeks before. We would meet at the hotel only on the Wednesdays that you left town and we had met 4 times before then. Bill was going to be gone the following Wednesday when you were traveling and he wanted to get together that day to make up for it. I have no idea why I agreed to that day."

Serena stopped and asked if I had any water to drink. I rose and went to the fridge to get her a bottle of Poland Springs. She took it without meeting my eyes. She drank a large swallow and it seemed as if she were trying to maintain her composure.

"The problem was that I realized that day at home that I had just had a "quickie" with a man that I really didn't like much and I had no idea of why I had done it. That may sound strange to you, but you have to understand that I had never really thought about what we were doing as cheating on you. It was simply something that I was doing to get back at you because of your ignoring me."

She must have seen me from the corner of her eye as this last statement agitated me, because she spoke without looking at me.

"Before you interrupt, you have to let me finish. You promised."

"You're right. I apologize. Go ahead."

"The first time with Bill was on the day after you and I had an argument about sex. You came home that night and I was feeling good and I was really in the mood to make love. I wanted you so bad but you were too tired. I remember we fought about it and you finally went into the spare room to sleep, telling me that I didn't understand how tired you were. I was left alone in bed without even your arms to comfort me and you didn't seem to care at all."

"You got up the next morning as usual and left for work, telling me that you would be home as soon as you could but that day was your planned trip to Johnsonville. I had forgotten all about it until then. There would be no sex that night either since you would be exhausted by the time you got home. So, I was hurt and angry at you and what I considered your lack of consideration for me or my feelings."

She stopped again while she took another long swallow of the water. She still seemed detached and almost bored with this story. Maybe she was but felt she owed me this much. 

"Bill and I had been meeting for lunch every Wednesday after my class for the past 4 months or more. We just had lunch but neither of us told you or Sally. I don't know why. I continued to meet him because he was very complimentary about my figure and he seemed to enjoy my company. I needed that because you had stopped any kind of social activities when the FDA thing happened. We never went out and we never did anything other than talk to the boys from time to time and maybe see them on the weekends. Bill often said that he couldn't understand how you could ignore me the way you did and he always flattered me."

"Anyway, that was the first time he asked me to sleep with him and I agreed. It was exciting and dangerous and it seemed that I was getting even with you in some way. After the first time, I agreed to meet him again the next time you traveled. The second time was not as good as the first but that was because the novelty was gone. The second time was just cheating for no good reason. I thought later that it was like mutual masturbation except that I didn't succeed, nothing more. I had already punished you and there was nothing left to do that would make it different so I don't know why I continued after that but I did. I think I was just trying to 'get even' with you for what I believed you had done to me."




Serena and John: The Conclusion



"Whether you care or not, the sex was bland and Bill was not a very considerate lover, although that word doesn't describe what he was. Nothing we did had anything to do with love; it was just sex. He was crude and didn't have any control. He always wanted to do different things but I wouldn't. Then he got mad but when he did, I threatened to stop and he backed down. As you heard, that Wednesday was the last time for me and he didn't like it."

She paused one last time and looked directly into my eyes. She began to speak again but this time, she didn't look away. This was meant directly for me.

"I have no excuse for what I did other than my own self pity. I hurt you and I hurt Sally and I have no justification for any of it. I was wrong and I am so very sorry. I want to apologize to you now, and I have apologized several times to Sally although she has never responded. I don't blame her."

"John, I am sorry for what I did to you and to our sons. It was my fault and you did nothing to me that justified what I did. I betrayed my marriage vows and I gave away any right to a future with you. I know that and I accept it as the price I have to pay for what I did. I had hoped it could be different, but after our dinner the other night, I realized it was too late." 

Serena looked away when she finished and I saw some color come back into her face. It must have cost her greatly to tell me what she did. She told me the truth; she admitted her guilt; she apologized to me and to Sally; and she had accepted the consequences for her actions. My return had allowed her to shed the weight of guilt she had been carrying since I left. I guess my return had done her more good than it had me.

But that was not true. I felt much better now than I had for some time. I now knew as much as possible about what had happened and I knew that in spite of what Serena had said, I bore some responsibility for what happened. Not directly, since Serena never came to me with her issues about our marriage or my behavior, but my behavior was a factor nevertheless. Still, I wanted to know more. I had to.

"Serena, why Bill Collins. Why did you do this with my best friend and the husband of your best friend? I don't understand that. Can you explain that?"

"Of course. That's easy, at least for me. Bill Collins was someone I knew well and someone I was not afraid of in any way. I had known him for a long time and I knew I could never feel love for him regardless of what we did together. He was just a tool that I used and one that was handy. Oh, he was fun sometimes at lunch and he was easy to be with since I didn't need to impress him. I never thought of Sally during this time. When I was with Bill and Sally, it was almost as if we had never done anything together. I saw Bill just as your friend and nothing more. I know that makes no sense, but you have to remember that nothing I did makes sense."

"I don't understand that. Bill and Sally were our closest friends and you and he had shared something together that Sally and I were unaware of. Didn't you enjoy the feeling of secrets shared with Bill? Didn't it give you a thrill to be with Bill when I was present?"

"No, not at all. I didn't have any feelings for Bill whatsoever. He was your friend, he was my lover but nothing more registered in my head. When I wasn't with Bill, I didn't think of him at all. I didn't look forward to the Wednesdays coming up and I never thought of Sally as other than my friend."

Serena was shaking her head as she spoke. I believe she was still trying to understand why she had acted as she did. I watched her face as she talked and listened to her words and I had the feeling that she was as surprised at what she was saying as I was.

As she sat there, I considered what she had told me so far. As funny as it sounds, I believed everything she had told me. Everything! I began to try to summarize all I had heard so far.

First, she loved me still. She never stopped even though she cheated. She didn't love Bill and had no particular feelings for him even now. I believed her when she said the sex was not very good and that Bill was a poor substitute for me. She was sorry for what she did to me and to Sally and she was struggling to understand the reasons for it. Finally, she had given up any hope of our reconciling or so she said. 

I also knew that my sons had forgiven her for what she did even though they hated it. They sheltered her when I left her and they were there for her when I wasn't. That was not something to take pride in. I was the tough guy; the macho man that kicked the slutty cheating wife out without a word. After giving me 25 years of her life; years that were filled with challenges that we faced together; challenges that we survived together; and years that I cherished, I just walked away from her without giving her the chance to let me go with some dignity.

I got up and paced around the small room just to stop myself from screaming. I didn't know what to say or do. Serena had given me the whole thing and she was clearly prepared to let me go. She had promised once I heard her out, she would sign the divorce papers. I had them in my bedside drawer. What was I going to do now? I looked over at Serena still sitting with her head down and her hands clasped together in her lap. She looked more at peace now that when she arrived.

"Serena, I want to say something to you and I may make a mess of it so I would ask that you simply hear me out. OK?"

She looked up at me and said nothing for a minute. Finally, she nodded her head and looked back down. I went ahead.

"I don't know what I feel for you at this instant. I do know that I love you and never stopped loving you even when I left you. I was hurting very much the last several weeks we were together and I planned the anniversary party knowing what you were doing. I planned to deliver as much hurt as I could to you and Bill but decided at the last minute not to do it in front of our sons. That's why I waited until the next day."

"The evening of our anniversary dinner when I made love to you, my intent was to remind you of what we meant together and what we had shared. I also wanted in a small way to let you know what you would be missing by driving me away. That was the selfish part."

"The necklace wasn't a selfish gift, however. I wanted you to have that regardless of what happened. It was a gift of love and it still is. I see you are wearing it and that makes me glad."

I saw her reach up to finger the stones with a smile and it warmed me a little to see it.

"I think my leaving was a mistake that I regret. I should have given you the time to discuss what happened and to see if we could work out some way to separate as friends rather than do what I did. But I'm back now and I think we should continue to talk, if that's all right with you."

Serena looked up without expression and just pursed her lips together as though she was thinking. I found myself waiting tensely to see what she would say.

"That's fine with me if there is a reason for us to talk. I can't be just your friend John. We're either together or we're through. If we are through, I want to make it final and move on with my life. I told you I was willing to sign the divorce papers and I will because you've heard me out as I requested. But, I also told you I needed to make some plans to move forward and they can't wait."

Having said her piece, she watched me, waiting for my answer.

I was suddenly confused. Serena wanted to make a decision and move forward. I wasn't ready to do that. I realized with a start that I didn't want her to sign the divorce papers, but at the same time, I wasn't ready to forgive her. What the hell was I supposed to do now? 

"Can you give me a day or so to think about all we've said today? It's a lot to digest and I'm very confused. You had a couple of months to decide what you were doing. I didn't have that luxury. If we could plan on dinner here tomorrow evening about 7:00? I'll fix something or more likely pick something up. If that's OK with you?"

Serena responded sarcastically, "Fine. I'll bring a bottle of wine to celebrate whatever it is you decide. How's that for fair?"

Without waiting for an answer, Serena rose, picked up her coat and walked to the door. She turned to look back at me with that same resigned expression on her face and said,

"Make a decision John. I made mine: I want to grow old with you. I know that what I did to you was terrible and totally unfair, but I apologized and I asked for your forgiveness. If you can give it to me, I would be eternally grateful and I would live my life trying to make it up to you, but if you can't forgive me, I can accept that and I will move forward with the life that will leave me. I can do no more than that. So, it is your decision to make now, and I will accept your decision."

With that, she walked out closing the door behind her. 

I sat there for an hour or longer just thinking about what she had told me. Most of it was not new, but it was the first time I had heard it from her side. She had made no excuses and she had asked for nothing more than my forgiveness. She admitted her transgressions and she put her future in my hands with no conditions. It was up to me. I decided I needed someone else to talk to, someone who understood. 

I called Sally, trying her old number just in case she was still at home. I hadn't heard from her since that night and I hadn't asked Serena about her. I listened as the phone rang and was slightly surprised to hear her voice.

"Hello? This is Sally."

"Sally, it is John Parsons. I'm sorry to be calling like this with no warning but I wasn't sure you would still be at home. I also wasn't sure you would want to talk to me after what I did to you that morning a couple of weeks ago."

"John! I am surprised to hear from you. Not to worry about what you did. It was time I found out what that son of a bitch husband of mine was up to. She wasn't the first, you know. I hired a PI and he found a lot of dirty laundry when he went looking. I've filed on the bastard and he is going to get ripped!"

"Anyway, I wasn't sure you were back in the states yet. Have you seen Serena? What can I do for you?"

"Well, I wondered if you would like to have a drink or even dinner with me just to talk. I could use someone to talk to since I no longer have a best friend. You know the one I used to have; the one that stabbed me in the back?"

"I know well who you mean. Sure, why don't you let me fix you dinner here at the house? Come by at about 6:30 and we'll eat a bite and talk. OK with you?"

"I'll be there and thanks Sally."

I had a pleasant evening with Sally and we discussed the good times as well as the bad. She filled me in on her divorce plans and what she had found out with the PI. I was amazed since I knew none of that. I assured Sally that it was news to me and she believed me. She surprised me by talking about a gentlemen friend that she knew and that she really liked. She said he was divorced and had two older kids. Now that she was almost free, she said that she was going to give him a run. She said she had always missed not having children. I was pleased for her and told her so. I finally told her of Serena's visit and our conversation. I asked her advice.

"Serena has called me several times and left voice messages on my phone. In each one, she apologizes for everything and tells me she would like to talk to me to explain her part but I never answer her. I don't know why. She can't hurt me any more and she is so alone now that you left her. I don't know what to say to her without getting angry all over again. I said some nasty things to her that morning and I remember every one of them."

"Yes, I apologize again for surprising you that way. I knew you had to have the facts but I could have done it better than that. It wasn't fair to you since you had done nothing wrong."

"I got over that real quick. But thanks for the thought. But what should you do? I can't tell you that John. I can only say that you and Serena were very happy for all but a couple of months shy of 25 years. That's a lot to time to throw away. I would have considered forgiving Bill if it had been just Serena, but it wasn't. He was unfaithful to me over 5 times with 5 different women. That's too much to forgive. He is gone from my life and good riddance."

"I know you're right about the 25 years and it keeps coming back to me that she was unhappy the last few months and part of that was my dedication to a job instead of our marriage. I know that's no excuse for committing adultery but still it's a factor that I am guilty of."

"I remember talking to her during that time. She knew you were working your ass to the bone and it bothered her to see you so tired all the time. She said she tried to talk to you and to try to help you physically, but you turned her away. That hurt her. I remember that now. She cried several times when we were together. I never told you about it at the time, but I did tell Bill, that son of a bitch. He used it, didn't he?"

"It seems he did. That's another strike against him. But I wasn't aware of what I was doing to her then. I only knew what I was going through and I thought that if I could just pull this off, I could retire and make everything all right again. Too little, too late."

"Well, I don't know John but I think you should really consider what you want. Do you really want to throw away those 25 years that produced two wonderful sons, or do you want to work like hell, just as you did for that shitty job, but on your marriage instead?"

"You're right. I need to really think about the good as well as the bad. For the past 3 or 4 months, the bad is all that I concentrated on. Now it's time to weigh both."

I thanked Sally for the dinner and the advice and took my leave. I went back to the apartment with a lot of things to think about. When I went in, I saw the message light blinking and saw two messages waiting. I played the first. It was from Ben, asking about the meeting with Serena and what was I going to do. He wanted me to call this evening.

The second was from Michael, the message being almost the same. It seems my sons were just as anxious as I was for some decision to be made. I smiled, thinking of how much I loved my sons and how much they loved their mother and me. Serena and I did something right with them. They were a legacy to be proud of. 

As I thought of my sons, I remembered Serena raising them for the most part. She stayed home with them until they were school age. She took care of them and kept them safe and healthy. They were both well adjusted and had no problems entering school. They were popular and did well. Their teachers praised them and their grads were outstanding. Serena had done that.

I also remembered her insisting on going back to work as a part time nurse. She had kept her license active and wanted to help to earn money for their college tuition. At the time, I was just beginning to make a name for myself and my salary was beginning to give us a few bucks extra to save, but certainly not enough to fund a major college. She went to work and every dime she made went into direct deposit in the account we set up for their tuition. She would not consider any thing else.

This was the woman I had married and had shared a life with for almost a quarter of a century. This was the woman who made one mistake and hurt me so badly. This was the woman who said she was sorry and wanted only to make it right. She was willing to give up everything and sign the divorce papers, taking nothing for herself. 

I fell asleep that night thinking about all of this. I slept until almost 10:00 the next morning, but I awoke feeling very calm. The night had allowed my mind to find the answer it wanted. It was time to make a decision and to get on with my life. I found myself whistling as I fixed my first cup of instant coffee. 

I showered and dressed and went into Princeton to the plaza for lunch. I took my cell phone and made some calls. Over a peach cobbler with heavy cream, I set up a meeting with Ben and Michael at my place for 7:00 that evening. I told Ben and Mike to bring their wives as well but not to tell Serena. I told them I needed to talk to them before I made a final decision. Serena was already coming so I just called to remind her, and to ask her not to tell Ben or Carrie. I told her that we needed the time alone to talk some more. She agreed. 

Just before 7:00 that evening, the dinner I had asked to be delivered came and the delivery girl helped me set up the table. I tipped her well and she left happy, and the table looked great. It was set for six people and the room was quite crowded but workable. I slipped on my blazer and sat down, ready for the evening.

When the doorbell rang, I rose to open it. Standing there were Ben, Carrie and Serena. Serena looked puzzled, as did Ben and Carrie. I let them in and offered Ben a beer. I told them to take a seat and I would get some drinks. Ben followed me into the kitchen with questions. I listened but wouldn't answer him. He was insistent but I was just as firm.

When the bell rang again, I stuck my head out of the kitchen and asked Carrie or Serena to get the door. It was Michael and Julie, of course. They came in, looking around and had the same questions that the others had. I came out of the kitchen, followed by Ben carrying a tray with glasses for wine or beer. Despite the questions and protests, I continued to take drink orders and see that everyone was taken care of. I noticed that Serena and Carrie had taken nothing, while Ben and Mike took beers. Julie had a glass of wine. 

"Please, I want all of you to just be patient with me. This evening is very important to Serena and me. We have decisions to make that will affect all of you and I wanted you here as we decide our future. I don't know whether you will be happy with our choices but they are ours to make."

I looked at the expectant faces, particularly Serena's. She was watching me but I saw no excitement on her face. I saw only the same resigned, desperate look that she had most of yesterday when we talked. It suddenly occurred to me that she expected that I was going to humiliate her again as I had 4 weeks ago at our anniversary dinner. 

"Now, I went to a lot of trouble putting this dinner on the table so I would appreciate it if we could all eat dinner as a family, at least for this evening. Family is important and we will always be a family, regardless of where we go. Distance is never a reason not to remember that. So, please eat."

I sat down and started handing food around the table. In spite of their misgivings, dinner was served. Everyone ate in relative silence, conversation being polite and rather restrained. I tried to enjoy the meal myself but found myself watching Serena, setting next to Julie and Michael. Julie seemed to be trying to make Serena laugh but was having little success. It was a very uncomfortable 30 minutes and no one seemed to want to drag the meal out. 

I decided to end this charade. I had everything worked out ahead of time, just as I had exactly 4 weeks ago tonight. I stood up with my glass of wine and looked at my family. As before, I was proud of my boys and their wives and Serena was beautiful as always, in spite of her expression and the circles under her eyes. 

"In case none of you noticed, we were doing this same thing exactly 4 weeks ago tonight. It was our Silver Anniversary dinner and we were celebrating 25 years of marriage. There are a few people not here, but you are my family and are the only ones important to me. Thank you for coming and tolerating my theatrics."

"I made a toast to friends and family then that I won't repeat. Some of our friends are no longer with us and are no longer welcome. My boys and their wives are here and are most welcome in my home anytime." 




Serena and John: The Conclusion



I raised my glass again to them in recognition. They smiled but with restraint. I turned to Serena. 

"I raised my glass to Serena in tribute to 25 wonderful years of marriage but I didn't drink. None of you noticed that except Serena. I think now you all know why I put my glass down."

Serena was looking at me with eyes that were shining with unshed tears. Her face showed such pain and sorrow that it almost broke my heart. I was so overwhelmed that I just looked at her as I struggled for control. Finally, I spoke again.

"Serena. I want to raise my glass to you now, in front of our children and their lovely wives. This time, I want to toast you for giving me 25 years of happiness and for giving me the gift of two wonderful sons. You have been by my side through good times and bad times. You never complained during those years we struggled to make ends meet. You never complained when money was tight and you did all you could to help our family grow and survive and finally to prosper."

I watched her face as she listened to my words. I saw a flash of the old Serena when I spoke of our sons and our life together, but it quickly began to fade as she retreated into that dark place she had been in for the past month. I hurried on.

"I have spoken to all of you this past week, and I had dinner with Sally a day ago. All of you reminded me of things I have been to hurt to think about. I was living in my own self pity and had no time to think of anything or anyone else. I have done nothing else for the last few days but think of those things. It was a revelation to me that I had forgotten so many things."

I turned to Serena, looking only at her and raised my glass to her.

"I toast Serena, my wife of 25 years and hope that she will share the rest of her life with me as my wife."

With that, I raised my glass in tribute and drank it down. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I wish I could say that the next few years were as pleasant as I had hoped. That was not the case, but Serena and I did move forward. There were good days and bad days but we signed on for that when we were married. Serena, as promised, did everything she could to make up for what she had done, and I tried as hard as I could to forget what I heard between her and Bill in their hotel room. It was not easy but slowly, and with help from professionals and from our children, we moved forward.

We had finally reached a point after a year of very hard work where we could live together as husband and wife. We tried to regain some of the intimacy in the bedroom that we had lost and Serena began to smile more and try to share in plans for our future, but I still lived with the shadow of the past and I was beginning to fear that I was not going to be able to move past it. There were many times when Serena went out shopping or visiting with some of her friends from the gym that I found myself wondering if she were with Bill or someone else. When she came home, I became critical over little things or made caustic comments about where she had been. I often heard Serena crying in the middle of the night after those times. I was also finding it difficult to share the intimacy that I had always treasured. Memories of her and Bill intruded at odd times and made normal lovemaking impossible. 

I believe we were moving toward the time when we both were ready to admit that perhaps we could not continue to live together as husband and wife. I saw it in Serena's eyes and I felt it in my gut. It was not a question of love; we loved each other desperately, but it wasn't enough. We went from day to day with things at an impasse and I saw no way to break out of it. I admit that it was mostly my fault but I couldn't help it.

It was about 18 months after Serena and I had reconciled that we received a phone call in the middle of the night. I was the first to get the phone and it was from Ben, telling me that Carrie had miscarried and was in the hospital. I was surprised since we had no idea that she was even pregnant. He sounded in a panic and I told him to hold on till I got there. I hung up, and in response to Serena's questions, told her what had happened. She got up immediately and said she was going with me. 

We arrived at the hospital and found Ben waiting for us in the surgical waiting room. He looked terrible and my heart went out to him. Serena went to him immediately and she held him as she had so many times when he was just a boy. He needed her comfort now just as he had then. She held him and whispered into his ear and I watched as he calmed down. He finally released her and came to me.

"She's in bad shape, dad. She was bleeding so bad and I didn't know what to do. They won't tell me anything and I'm going crazy just waiting." 

He was worried and afraid and I could tell than he was on the verge of a breakdown. I spoke to him and told him I would find out for him. I pushed him down beside Serena and went in search of a doctor or nurse with information.

A doctor finally came out to see Ben and the news wasn't great. He told him that Carrie was in intensive care and was on life support. They had given her blood and her pressure was stabilized, but he said that the next few hours were critical: if she came out of it soon, she would probably have a full recovery. If not, things would be grim. We could only wait. 

As we waited with our son, I could only pray for the best. He and Carrie were so young and they had the rest of their lives ahead of them. If Carrie recovered they would be fine and could try again. That was our prayer. As we waited, Ben looked at me and made a gesture to follow him as he left.

I told Serena that I was going to go with Ben just to help him in any way I could. She just smiled and squeezed my hand. I walked into the hallway where Ben had gone. He was standing there, looking out a window into the darkness. I walked up to him and put my arm around his shoulders, and I could feel him trembling.

"What if I lose her dad? What will I do? I don't want to do this without her in my life. I don't care about anything else. If this means she can't have kids, I don't care. We can adopt. I just want her to live. I don't want to live without her."

"Don't say that son. You aren't going to lose her. She is going to be fine. You have to stay strong for her and go on." 

As I held him in my arms, I remembered a conversation I had with myself some time ago. I remember telling myself with some degree of smugness that I could always live without Serena. I told myself the real question was could I live with what she had done. But looking at my son, hurting because he was afraid he was going to lose the one he loved, I thought again about what I had told myself.

The truth was that I had convinced myself that I could live without Serena. I could just walk away, nursing my wounded pride, and never look back. I could and did do just that but I knew that she would still be there when I came back. She would be there with our sons. 

Now, as I looked at my son, hurting and afraid of losing his love, I wondered whether I was right. If he had a choice, he would do anything to save her. If he had a choice, he would never let her go. But he had no choice where I did, and what did I choose? We all know my choice. 

Was I really the one to give my son advice in this time of need? Could I say to him let her go, son? You can get by without her son. You don't need her son. Look at me son. I let the one I love go; I walked away; I got by. Be like me son, strong, macho and full of pride. Be like me: alone. The answer was clear. No!

As we stood there together, Serena came out and called for Ben. The doctor was waiting for him. Ben tore away and ran into the waiting room, hoping to hear his prayers were answered. 

"Mrs. Parsons is awake and she's going to be fine. We stopped the bleeding and repaired the damage and she's doing well. She is awake and wants to see you. If you come with me, I'll take you to her."

Ben smiled at us, hugged his mother and went with the doctor. As he walked away to be with his wife, granted another chance to be with the one he loved, I looked over at Serena. She had tears of joy in her eyes as she watched her son go to his wife. She turned to me and I went to her. I took her in my arms and whispered into her ear.

"I don't want to live without you, now or ever. I'm sorry for the way I have been behaving and I don't care about the past. I just want to be with you and love you and concentrate on our future together. If you can forgive me for the way I have been acting, I would be grateful. I don't think I would want to live without you either. Our son reminded me of that."

"Oh John, there is nothing to forgive you for. I made a terrible mistake and I will have to live with my guilt for the rest of my life, but you have nothing to be sorry for. I love you and I just forgot that for a while. I'll never forget it again. I promise."

Michael and Julie came rushing in at that moment and we gave them the good news. Our family was going to be OK. We were both given a second chance at happiness and I was going to take mine.

The End.