50 comments/ 74830 views/ 35 favorites It Is What It Is By: Sfbullrider I recently submitted my first story and I have to admit it wasn't that good. I rushed it, and didn't put as much thought into it as I should have. I hope I did a better job on this one. I took my time and really thought it out. So here is my second story. I think anytime a husband hears these words from his wife, "Honey, we need to talk," he realizes that this is not going to be a good day. Nothing good ever comes from those five words. Well, let me tell you that in this case, they changed my whole life. My name is Jake, and I am 44 years old. My wife Lori of 23 years is the same age. We have two wonderful children, both of whom are in college. Ashley is the oldest and in her Junior year. John is the youngest, and is a Freshman. They share an apartment near campus, which is about an hour from our house. I thought Lori and I had the ideal marriage. We are both teachers, and since we have a lot of experience, we make a good living with both salaries. We live in a nice house in a nice suburban neighborhood. This is not really where I wanted to live, but it is what Lori wanted, so I agreed. After all, I had this beautiful wife that I loved and adored so much. Who was I to complain? I loved her with every fiber in my body. I always felt so lucky to be seen with her in public. Our sex life has always been amazing, even though it had slowed down a little lately. She always had very intense orgasms when I was inside her, which made my orgasms even more intense. I feel like I have always been a generous lover, and I tried to be unpredictable. Even after 23 years, I still wanted her more than ever. That is why I was so shocked at what happened. Let me give you a little more of my background because it is important to the story. I grew up on a dairy farm near a small town. I was born and raised a cowboy. I wore boots, jeans, and a cowboy hat most everyday. I played football, and competed in rodeos whenever I could. I was very athletic and most of the girls considered me pretty good looking. I always had a girlfriend in high school. I was about 6 foot tall and weighed about 195. My body was, and pretty much still is, hard as a rock. My best rodeo event was bull riding. I managed to get through those days without getting injured too bad. I still love my country roots, as you will see later. Lori on the other hand was a city girl. She grew up in suburbia, and loved the big city. She didn't care much for the country, and certainly would never live there. Lori is a good looking woman, and is so sexy. There was just something about her that drove me crazy. She had short red hair, average, but nice tits, and a really nice ass. She had this bubbly personality that drove guys crazy. So how did we get together? We both attended a major university that was well known for it's academics and football. It is where I wanted to go all my life. When I got my acceptance letter, I knew I would probably be leaving most of my country life behind. I didn't care because this is where I wanted to be. Sure enough there were very few cowboys at The University of Texas. I still wore my boots and jeans, but I had toned it down a lot so I wouldn't look like a country hick. I met Lori my Junior year. We met at a party and hit it off immediately. We were both at the party with friends, so neither one of us had a date. We danced, we talked, we even made out a little. I think for me it was love at first sight. I decided that night that this was the girl I wanted to marry. She just didn't know it yet. A few days later we went out on our first date. It was awesome. Even with our different backgrounds we hit it off beautifully. I called, or went to see her everyday. I made a date with her every chance I could. I wanted to make sure she didn't have a chance to go out with anyone else. I didn't rush to get her in bed, but I wanted her so bad. I was so attracted to her. I didn't want to scare her off, or have her think that sex was the only thing I wanted. Yet, I didn't want her to get the idea that I didn't desire her. So I built up a relationship with her. We started with a lot of kissing. Then we progressed to heavy petting, which eventually led to me fingering her and sucking her tits. It was about 6 weeks or so after dating that she asked if I wanted to make love to her. We went to my apartment and spent that night and most of the next day in bed together. We were so passionate together. She kept referring to me as "thunder stick". I have about a 7 1/2 inch cock with medium thickness. She went on about how great it felt inside her. Not too big, yet not so little where you couldn't feel it. I got that from just about every girl I was ever with. As she was about to leave my apartment after a long kiss, she said, "Jake, I love you baby." I responded immediately with, "I love you Lori. In fact, I think I have loved you from the moment I met you." We kissed again very passionately, then she left. I was on top of the world. I loved this woman so much. We married a year later. After graduation, we both got teaching jobs in the city, but at different schools. I was a high school teacher, and she was an elementary teacher. After living in an apartment for a couple of years, we had finally saved enough to buy a house. I wanted a nice quiet place in the country with a few acres where I could raise horses. Lori didn't like that idea. She wanted a nice home in a suburban neighborhood in the city. I loved her so much and gave into her wishes. I even quit wearing boots and jeans all the time because she said it made me look like a country bumpkin. So I did whatever because I loved her. I didn't think it was a big deal. When we went out, it was always what she wanted to do. I loved to go to country dance halls, but she never wanted to, so I did what she wanted. Now that I think about, She was pretty selfish. I loved her, so I gave in. I don't think I was being a wimp, just a good husband. I was anything but a wimp. Remember, I used to ride bulls, and have fought a few rattlesnakes on the ranch. There are some other ass kicking stories I could tell from my younger days, but I won't. So that leads me back to now. It was late in May and we had one more week of school. Lori and I would be out for the summer with no kids at home. They would stay and go to summer school. I was hoping we could travel and maybe see some sights together this summer. I also wanted to pick up on the lovemaking. It had slowed down lately and she had been acting strange. I had always been very sweet and attentive to her, so I figured I would be even more so. I wasn't sure why she had been acting strange, or why she wasn't much interested in sex, but I figured we had all summer to get it on. I got home Friday after school with plans for a romantic evening. I was looking forward to the weekend and my romantic plans. I picked up some wine and a couple of rib eye steaks. I fired up the BBQ pit and set a nice table on our patio. I even lit a candle so we could have a candlelight dinner. I was hoping for some really spirited lovemaking tonight. Lori came home and asked what I was doing. I told her, but she didn't seem to excited about it. In fact, it seemed as if something was really bothering her. She went upstairs and changed, then came to the backyard where I was getting supper ready. She stood there looking at me like she wanted to tell me something, then walked back inside and got a glass of wine. I asked if anything was wrong, but she just said, "no, everything was ok." Deep down I knew something was up, I just didn't know what. We had dinner and drank the wine. We made small talk, and sat outside for most of the evening. I asked about what she wanted to do this summer, but she said she wasn't sure. I asked her about maybe us traveling somewhere, but she didn't know if she wanted to. Something was definitely up because she was acting different. I just didn't know what, and she wasn't ready to tell me. We went upstairs to get ready for bed. I was still hoping for a passionate night of lovemaking. I took a shower and got myself ready. When I came out of the shower, she was already under the covers like she was going to sleep. I crawled in under the covers and snuggled up to her. She had not taken a shower, and had on a pair of old pajamas that covered her from head to toe. I tried to massage her, and slip my hands under her pajamas, but she rolled over with her back to me and said she wasn't in the mood. I was devastated. I had been looking forward to this evening and weekend all week. It really hurt my feelings being rejected like that. Also, it just wasn't like her. She had always been responsive to my advances. She kept her back to me and wouldn't even look at me. I laid there and tried to figure out what I had done, or maybe what I had not done to deserve this kind of treatment. I did not sleep well. "What the hell did I do?" I kept thinking. The next morning I got up and went downstairs to make coffee. I still had no clue what was going on with Lori. I knew she wasn't on her period, so I was at a lost. A little bit later Lori came downstairs and sat down at the breakfast table. I poured a cup of coffee and handed it to her. I gave her a smile and a little kiss on the lips. Her expression didn't change. Then she said those words every man dreads, "honey, we need to talk." My heart fell at the sound of how she said it, but at least maybe now I would find out what was going on. She set her cup down, then spoke some words I thought I would never in my life hear from her. "Jake, I don't know how else to do this except just tell you. I have been feeling very restless lately and have decided I need a change. I hope you will understand and realize I need this to be happy." "Lori, I didn't realize you were so unhappy." "Oh Jake, I guess it is not so much that I am unhappy, it's just that I need a change. Something is missing and I need to move on." "Exactly what are you trying to tell me Lori?" "I am going to move out, and I want a divorce." You could have hit me with a sledge hammer and it would have hurt less than what she had just said. I had to sit down. You talk about a shock to the system out of nowhere. It was all I could do to not break down and lose it right there. I had to really concentrate to compose myself and say something back to her. Finally I looked up and asked, "Lori, is there someone else in the picture?" She looked down for a minute, then looked at me and said, "Yes Jake there is, and I am so sorry because I never meant to hurt you." "Well I am sure glad you didn't mean to because if you had meant to, it would have been much worse I guess. I just wish you would have talked to me before you came to this decision" "Jake I still love you, it's just that I need something new in my life," she said. "Well you sure have a funny way of showing me you love me," I said. "Tell me about this new man that will be taking my place and ripping apart a marriage and family." She looked hurt at my last remark. It's like she thought I should embrace her change because it makes her happy. She went on. "His name is Mark. He is a personal trainer at a gym. He came to our school about 6 weeks ago to teach an exercise class during our health awareness week. After the class we got to talking, and he was really coming on to me. I mean he was really flirting. He made me feel so attractive, and so sexy" "I assume he knew you were married", Jake said. "I am sure he saw my wedding ring, plus I told him I was happily married." He wanted me to go have a drink with him after school, but I reiterated that I was married. He said that didn't matter." "So what happened," I said. "He got my email address from the school web site and started emailing me several times a day. He kept telling how beautiful I was and how he wanted to get together for a drink. I guess I was curious and didn't think having a drink would hurt anything, so I agreed to meet him. It was when you were at that overnight conference" "I probably don't want to hear this next part, but go on," I said. "I met him for a drink, which turned out to be several. He convinced me to go back to his apartment. I knew it was a mistake, but it was exciting, and something I just wanted to do. "Did you fuck him?" I said. She looked down and said, "Yes. He fucked me four times. As soon as he recovered he was in me again." I was on the verge of a breakdown, but I managed to hold it together. "How old is he Lori?" "He is 32 Jake. He says I look like I am in my 30's." " Was he better than me?" I asked. "No Jake he wasn't better than you, you are a fantastic lover, but he was different." "Well obviously that wasn't the end of it", I said. "No, we started seeing each other several times a week. His apartment was close to school so I would go over during my lunch and off periods and we would fuck. We started getting real close. He said we were soul mates and should be together all the time." "When were you last with him, Lori?" She got this real funny look on her face, like she was ashamed, and said, "Yesterday, when I left for work? I didn't go to work. I took a day off and spent the day with Mark in his apartment. I don't want to keep cheating Jake, but I want to be with Mark, so I think we should divorce and move on." "Lori, are you in love with him? And if so, did you fall out of love with me." "Jake this is the hard part. I still love you. It's just that I am ready for a change. Yes Mark is young, and he finds me exciting, and I think we will be good together. I'm not in love with him yet, but I will love him in time." "Lori I don't want to burst your bubble but I think your little boy toy is just using you, and will dump when he gets what he wants, whatever that may be." "Your wrong Jake. He said he loves me and said that we were meant to be." "What about Ashley and John? Have you thought about your kids?" "They will be ok. They are adults now, and will want me to be happy. I will sit down and explain it to them" "So what do we do Lori?" "I am going to pack some things and move into Mark's apartment this morning. Mark and I will be back tomorrow to get the rest of my stuff. I don't think you should be here, so if you could find someplace to go I would appreciate it," she said. "I won't be here," I said. " "Lori, when I got back from that conference I was very horny for you. Did I get sloppy seconds that night?" "Yes, but I had cleaned myself up real good before you got home." I didn't know what else to say. Talk about a kick in the balls. Lori went on to explain the next step. "Next week you can find a lawyer we both can agree on. We can share the lawyer and the cost. We will split everything down the middle. You keep your credit cards, your car, and your retirement. I will keep mine. We have a mutual fund worth about $100,000. We will cash it in and split it. That way we will both have some cash. Jake I am going to give you the house since I am the one walking out. I will sign it over to you completely" That surprised me. I guess she really is feeling a lot of guilt over this. "Thanks," I said. "That's about it," she said. "Yes, I guess that is about it." Lori went upstairs to pack. She came back down with a couple of bags. She gave me a sympathetic look and headed for the door. "Lori? I said in a soft voice. "Don't go. Call him up and tell him you will never see him again. We will get counseling and see if we can fix our marriage. Don't give up 23 years just like that. If you walk out that door, that will be it. I will never take you back. Let's try to get through this if we can." Lori looked at me. There were tears in her eyes. She turned and walked out the door. I sat there for awhile still in shock. What the hell just happened? She did a good job of hiding it, but how did I not see this? I went upstairs and pack an overnight bag. I wasn't going to stay here by myself tonight, and I wasn't going to be here tomorrow when they came for her stuff. I got in my car and called Ashley. She answered with a, "Hey Dad, how is it going?" "Ashley, I need to come talk to you and John. Are going to be at your apartment this morning? It's a pretty serious matter, and I need to talk to you in person." "Sure Dad, we will be here. What's wrong? Where is mom?" "I don't want to talk over the phone. It will be just me. I will be there in about an hour" "Dad, what is wrong. You are worrying me. Is Mom ok?" "Yes honey, Mom is ok, but I need to talk to you and John about her. Don't call her until I get a chance to talk to you. I will be there in less than an hour." "Ok Dad. Hurry up though. I'm worried." I got to their apartment and knocked on the door. Ashley answered immediately. John was behind her. I walked in, and then I lost it. I started crying like a baby. They helped me to the couch and both were hugging me asking what was wrong. I couldn't talk. I just had to cry, and they let me. It went on for a few minutes, then I finally was able to compose myself. I went to the bathroom to wash my face, then came back to two bewildered kids sitting on the couch. I then told them the whole story from that morning. I didn't leave anything out. Then they started crying, and we all cried together. Then I looked at them and said, "kids I want you to know that your Mother and I both love you very much. That will never change. I also want you to know that none of this is your fault. You are the two best kids any parents could ever hope for." "What is wrong with her?" Ashley said as she rubbed my back. "How could she do this to you, and how could she do this to her family?" "I would like to go kill that son of a bitch," John said. "Me too son, but that would only get us in prison, and right now I don't think she is worth it. Sorry kids, I am not very happy with your Mother right now." We talked it out for awhile and I felt better just being with my kids. Finally, I stood up and said, " kids I gave her a chance to stay and get counseling, but she still walked out the door. So as far as I am concerned, IT IS WHAT IT IS. I will move on and we will all survive." Ashley said she needed to go in the other room. I saw her grab her phone as she left. I could hear her in the other room yelling at Lori. She really was letting her have it. It actually made me laugh a little bit. I took them out to lunch, then we came back and talked some more. Finally, I said I guess I would get going. "Where are you going Dad?" Ashley said. I guess I will go get a motel or something. I can't go home yet. "No you are not," said Ashley. "You will stay here with us. In fact I have a great idea. Your new life starts now. I know how you love Longhorn baseball. John and I have 6 tickets for the game. We both have dates, and my good friend Brenda and her mother were going. Brenda called earlier and said she needed to work on a project due Monday, so she couldn't go. Her mother, Annie, didn't want to tag along with john and I with our dates. She loves baseball, she is divorced, so I am going to see if she will go if you go." "Ashley I don't know about that. This is all moving to quick for me" "It won't be a real date dad. You will just be going to enjoy a baseball game, and so will she" "Ashley it sounds like you are trying to fix me up. I would think you would be trying to get Mom and I back together." "Dad, what Mom did to you today is unforgivable. She broke your heart and hurt our whole family. She said she wanted a divorce, so I guess she has thought it through. I don't want you to be alone tonight. Besides, wait until you see Annie. She is pretty hot Dad." It Is What It Is, My New Age Adage My life lesson: learning to accept things as they are instead of trying to change what I can't. I had a very dear friend, an older woman, June, one of my creative writing Professors at Northeastern University who since died. She taught me one of my greatest life lessons, a necessary fact of life, and I'm grateful for the painful, albeit it the necessary insightful bit of knowledge. When I was threatening to leave my husband and filed for divorce, thinking that I'd have the moral and emotional support and a shoulder to cry on with my friends, I didn't. When I needed them the most, they weren't there for me. Professor June, as I used to call her, was my confident. By their lack of concern, understanding, and insensitivity, I struggled with the way my friends, at least those who I thought were my friends, treated me. Their blatant disregard and uncaring hurt me, made me feel rejected, and saddened me. As if I no longer existed, they virtually ignored me. I would have gotten more attention from them had I died instead of just gotten divorced. At least they would have attended my wake, gone to the church, and said their good-byes at my funeral. Instead, after my divorce, with me thinking I'd be married until death do us part, the worst time of my life, as if rats deserting a sinking ship, one by one, they all disappeared. Some friends they were. As long as I was putting out booze and food, they were happy to come to my house and pretend they cared. Immediately, the calls and the texting stopped. When I e-mailed them, my e-mails went unanswered. The only time I saw any of them is when I accidentally bumped into them at the mall. In one fell swoop, I lost my husband and all my friends. Not fair. I was alone. I was sad. I didn't understand. None of it made any sense. "Susan, it is what it is," said June raising her eyebrows, rolling her eyes, and giving an unsurprised shrug as if she had been through this many times before. It is what it is? Where have I heard that before? It sounded like a copout to me. It was something a guy would say when caught cheating on his wife or girlfriend, or what a burglar would say when caught stealing. "It is what it is," I said. "Perhaps that's a modern day adage of Murphy's Law," I said with a sad, little laugh. "After anything that can go wrong, does go wrong, am I to say, it is what it is?" She looked at me and laughed. "Trust me, it works," she said. With her there to help me through my divorce, I suddenly looked at June as if she knew all the answers to all the secrets of life, especially to my life. "Is that supposed to comfort me? Is that supposed to satisfy me with what happened? Am I supposed to be okay with all that's happened to me by just giving up and not even taking the time to reflect by just saying, it is what it is?" When she didn't answer me, I responded. "I may as well just say fuck it!" She looked at me and smiled at what I assumed was my innocence and naiveté. "Yes," she said with a laugh. "You could say that. Instead of saying it is what it is, you could exchange that phrase for fuck it." I smirked my disbelief. "Unbelievable," I said. "Yet, somehow I prefer 'It is what it is,' to fuck it. Fuck it sounds more like something a guy would say. It is what it is sounds more what a Monk or a hermit would say when falling from his perch atop a mountain." She put her hand on my shoulder to comfort me in the way that a mother would comfort her daughter and in the way my own mother never did for me. I looked at her as if she was the mother I never had. "I know that you wish things were different, but hoping so and wondering why they're not doesn't make it so and doesn't make anything better for you. Starting with perhaps your expectations of others that may be too high, it's time that you understood that we have no control over what others do or don't do. The sooner you learn that, the more peaceful and happier you and your life will be," she said making me feel that I was in college again and she was lecturing me again. Yet, something that my mother should have taught me as a teenager, my creative writing professor was teaching me a valuable lesson of life as a 35-year-old woman. Looking back on our conversation seven years later, I'm still grateful for her help. "Thank you for that," I said meaning it. "I get it. I do. Now it makes more sense to me why my friends would just abandon me in my time of need," I said with sarcasm. "It is what it is." She frowned at me in the way she did when I didn't understand something she was trying to teach us in class. "You are the only one who has any control over your life. Even then, in the way that the government controls you, peer pressure coerces you, and parents, friends, and relatives interfere with what you need to do to soothe your soul, the control you think you have over your life is limited. In many respects your life may not even be in your control. In many respects your life may at times seemingly even be out of control." I was stunned by the simplicity, the honesty, and the insightfulness of her words. She was a wise woman indeed. At the same time, as if having one of those 'Duh?' moments, I felt as if I had been hit over the head with a sledgehammer. "It is what it is," I said again. "Seemingly that makes sense to me now. That one simple phrase helps me to understand more about those unrealistic expectations that I put on people." Perhaps a bit naïve, I had never heard that expression before and June's words kept ringing in my ears over and over again. "It is what it is. It is what it is. It is what it is." June was surprised that I had never heard the expression and we had quite a conversation over what it would mean for me if I could accept this very important principle as part of my internal monologue. "I thought you were a New England Patriot's fan," she said. "I am," I said. "Coach Belichick uses that expression all the time in reference to his team and whenever he doesn't want to give away anything to reporters," she said. As soon as she said that, I recalled him saying that. "A man of few words, I seldom heard him talk," I said with a laugh. Going beyond teaching me how to develop characters, write dialogue, and insert imagery, description, and tension, suddenly she made me feel more like her student than she did her friend. With her having an undergraduate degree in English with creative writing and English literature minors from Harvard University and an MFA degree from Emerson College, she suffered through decades more life experience than I had. I was glad for the six word encapsulated lesson. Still, it was a bitter pill to swallow to just chalk it all up to, 'It is what it is.' "Just because it is what it is doesn't mean that you give up on everything and everybody. It means that you must accept the things that you cannot change. It allows you to not only understand why it is what it is but also to be okay with that you cannot control and what people do or don't do." Everything she said made sense. Everything she said helped me cut through the bullshit. Everything she said enabled me to get on with my life without having to rehash things over again in my feeble attempt in trying to understand the lack of caring of others. "I get it," I said nodding my head as if she had morphed from my creative writing teacher, to my psychologist, and to my friend. "I must accept things that I cannot change." Only her way of teaching, she beat me over the head with what she had to say again. "Surely, you've heard of The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr." I couldn't help but think of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry's father looks to the Heavens and pleads, "Serenity now! Serenity now!" "I have but I have a feeling you're going to refresh my memory," I said with a laugh. She returned my laugh with her patient smile before she recited the prayer. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference," she said. "That prayer is something so simple and is so meaningful that it can be applied to everyday life no matter the year or the problem." She was so smart. I wish I was as smart as she was. Only, for her to be my friend and for her to take time with me, maybe she thought I was smart too. Moreover, it was the way that she said things. "Yes, I've heard that before," I said. She gave me that patient smile again that she does when I get ahead of myself and assume things without having any evidence that they're correct. "There's more," she said. I gave her my blank stare. "More?" She nodded her head and smiled. "There's more to the Serenity Prayer," she said. I didn't know what more she could say to help me to understand myself and other people than what she's already said. To be honest, I'd rather keep things simple than adding any more verbiage to the mix. "Oh, I thought that was all of it," I said. She held up a finger as if she was a conductor of an orchestra ready to give the musicians their cue. "Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever and ever in the next. Amen," she said bowing her head in a moment of silence as if she was praying. Oddly enough that sounded familiar. It was something I overhead my mother reading aloud in one of her rare instances of sanity and clarity. "Wow," I said. I looked at her with renewed insightfulness. "I recite that every night before bed and again the first thing in the morning," she said. "It gives me the peace that I need," she said. It was then that I wondered if she had problems with addiction. With her a teenager of the 60's, it's possible with her being a writer and now a college Professor that she had experimented with drugs and/or had a problem with alcohol. Stephen King author of Carrie, The Shining, Misery and so many more had a drug and alcohol problem. Ken Kesey author of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest had drug problems. Raymond Chandler, O Henry, Tennessee Williams, Dylan Thomas, Dorothy Parker, Edgar Allen Poe, Truman Capote, William Faulkner, F. Scott Fitzgerald, James Joyce, and Ernest Hemingway all had drinking problems. She never mentioned a man in her life, maybe something happened with that. She could have been lesbian for all that I knew. Even though I deemed her a friend, I didn't know much about her personal background with her being my college professor. With my admission records at her fingertips, she assuredly knew more about me than I knew about her. With my mother and my four brothers all dependent on drugs and alcohol one time or another and in and out of AA, I was too familiar with The Serenity Prayer. My mother and brothers all had playing cards with that prayer written on the back. Having already lived through a whore of a drugged out, passed out mother and four out of control, incestuously, sexually perverted, drunken brothers, I learned early in life to stay away from alcohol and/or drugs. I learned early in life that I may have that gene that makes me more susceptible to being addicted to alcohol and/or drugs. As a teenager in the 80's with the Heyday of the orgy like sex of Studio 54 and the illegal drug culture of Miami Vice, everyone around me drank heavily and/or took drugs. Getting drunk and/or high was the cool thing to do back then. With me always being out of step with others and always doing my own thing and with my life already so out of control, I was never tempted by alcohol and drugs. I had more important things to do in bettering my life than in trying to destroy my life any more than it was. An easy thing for me to do when everyone else around me was so out of control with addictions, I understood early how much worse my situation would be if I added a numbing agent to the mix. Promising myself to never be emotionally, sexually, and physically abused again by anyone, I needed to stay alert because of the abusers living inside my home and outside in the neighborhood. To this day, I'm hyper vigilant of abusers; that's the way that I must forever live when I'm an abuse survivor and diagnosed with PTSD. Unfortunately, sadly, and tragically, it's prophetic how the man that I fell in love with and married physically abused me too. I must have a sign on my forehead that reads, "Abuse me." Not wanting to ask her too many questions and pry too much in her personal life, I asked June how to accept 'It is what it is' in my daily life and how to reconcile with The Serenity Prayer in my everyday life too. "So, how do I go about applying 'It is what it is' and how to I put the Serenity prayer in practice in my life?" As if she suddenly turned into a pastor, she had this look of peaceful piety on her face. "Practice," is all she said. "Every day is a new day. Every day is a new challenge. One step at a time is the best strategy so that you don't overwhelm yourself and lose your way. You must always stay on your chosen path and never wander. Stay focused and stay the course." Suddenly I felt as if I was a captain of a ship during a storm. I watched her talking to me as if she was talking to someone else, actually as if she was talking to herself. I could see her words reinforcing her more than they did me. Yet, what she said not only made sense but also made an early impression in me. Perhaps it was more the messenger than the message but because I liked and trusted her as a teacher, an advisor, and a friend, I took what she said more to heart than if someone handed me a card with that message written on the back. She forced me to think about the situations in my life that were applicable to the 'It is what it is' phrase and The Serenity poem. The more I thought about them, now having more of a foundation of self-help, the clearer my pitiful issues became. If I accepted the phrase, 'It is what it is,' at a gut level, gunshot, knee jerk phrase and followed the advice of The Serenity poem, my life would surely improve, but there was a very large stumbling block in my pathway of acceptance. Only, it wasn't as simple as that for me. With all that I've already suffered, that stumbling block was having to feel the disappointment, the pain, the anger, the rage, and the sadness that accompanies some of the problems that I've had with abusive people in my life. What should have been my safety net when turning to relatives and friends for help and understanding, conversely, having to deal with relatives and friends made me feel even worse. With all the emotional, sexual, and physical abuse that's happened to me in my life, I'm much different than a person dependent on alcohol and drugs. Drunks and druggies may not have to deal with the bad, never ending memories of emotional, sexual, and physical abuse. Their way to forget and deal with things, drunks and druggies are in the here and now. Yet, I understand what may have caused them to drink and/or take drugs may have been due to some of the horrific things that happened early in their lives that I've had to suffer through and endure to survive. What happened in my life may have happened in their lives too. Seemingly we have the self-destructive similarity. Yet, we all have different coping mechanism that we employ to get through our days. With some taking drugs and others drinking, I write stories. Writing my stories is my therapy. In that regard, I'm lucky not to have a drinking and/or drug problem. In that regard, I'm lucky not to have taken my own life and/or become an abuser myself. In that regard, head and shoulders above some of the rest of humanity that wallows in the gutter, I was already on my way to recovery. I just needed a break. I just needed a leg up the ladder. I just needed a guiding hand and an Angel on my shoulder to help me along my path and along my way. Professor June was my Angel. I'm the type of individual who gives everything they have to relationships, and I've been told many times what a great friend I am. The standard regarding friendship has a really high bar for me, so I'm often a much better friend than others are friends to me. An example of the "It is what it is" concept is that I often get upset when I make most of the contacts to friends and show concern for them, yet they don't reciprocate by contacting me and showing concern for me. Typically, our conversations are all about them, about how they feel, and what they're doing. With me asking them all the questions, they don't ask me any. Seemingly we all have friends like that but I had more than my share of selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed people who I thought were my friends. When they didn't reciprocate my friendship, I felt rejected. Even when I was in a destitute situation after my divorce and others knew my plight, some of my closest friends did not extend offers of help. I wasn't looking so much for money as I was looking for moral support and friendship. With me thinking of them as a friend, I was crushed by their bad and inappropriate behavior. The 'It is what it is' scenario in my case was that I wasn't even on their radar. They didn't even care enough about me to want to help me. Now that I was divorced and eligible, they were more afraid that I'd steal their boyfriends and/or husbands. I wasn't interested in their boyfriends and husbands and I'd never knowingly break up anyone's marriage or relationship. If they were anything, they were happy that I was leaving Massachusetts to live in Pennsylvania with my mother. The bottom line is that they were not there for me when I needed them, even though I've been a good friend to them every time they've needed me. I've been told many times by others that no matter what's going on in my life that I seem to be able to handle the situation. Apparently I've got game, a good head on my shoulders, and a strong back to shoulder the pain. When I finally confronted my friends and asked them why they didn't call me, they all shrugged their excuses. They all said the same things as if rehearsed for this day when I confronted them. "We thought you could handle things. We thought you were okay. In the way you're always so confident, so witty, and so funny, we didn't think you were hurting. We thought you were glad to see your husband go. Besides, we didn't know what to say or what to do to help you." I looked at them as if I was looking at someone who wasn't from this neighborhood, from this country, and/or even from this planet. I looked at them as if they were speaking in a foreign language and didn't have a clue as to what I was saying. Stingy with their friendship when I had been generous with mine, they looked at me as if they were in the right, when they were all so wrong. "So, instead of saying anything, because you didn't know what to say to me, you said nothing. Instead of doing something, anything to help me, because you didn't know what to do to help me, you did nothing," I said. With them suddenly going mute and looking uncomfortable as if they were the injured party, I stared at them before I walked away from them. For them not to offer their help and their friendship, they were all clueless. Maybe they'll understand when the shoe is on the other foot and they divorce their husbands or break up with their boyfriends. Maybe they'll understand when there's no one there for them in the way they weren't there for me. With me not telling them half the things that happened to me, they had no idea what the Hell I've been through. With my friends' prevailing attitude about my pre-divorce problems and post-divorce problems, their excuse was that I could handle whatever came my way. Now knowing that their insensitive attitudes made me want to handle it all without their help, I didn't need them. The hurt and disappointment that I felt was extremely strong and long lasting, yet when I apply the "It is what it is" to this situation, I look at it honestly and accepted the truth as it is. I felt better removing my expectations from them. Ending our friendship, they weren't there for me when I needed them and I wouldn't be there for them when they needed me. It Is What It Is, My New Age Adage "It is what it is." Did what happen when my friends shunned me cause me to be a lesser friend? No, unable to change who I am, me being a lesser friend would go against who I am as a person. I just need to understand that some people are born with an ocean full of caring and others are born with a thimble full of understanding. The insensitivity of some people is just as baffling as it is upsetting. What I had to do to survive is to lower my expectation of others. What I had to do to get through all the shit that I had to deal with is to acknowledge that it was all up to me. And if I had someone there to help me through something, a true friend, then I was lucky. That one moment, my personal epiphany has helped me immensely and immeasurably. None of this could have been possible had I not learned that one simple phrase that has help to heal many of my wounds. "It is what it is." By chalking it up in that way, I'm better able to accept 'It is what it is.' It takes a lot of practice to give in to 'It is what it is,' just it takes a lot of patience and internal control to put The Serenity poem into one's daily life. One doesn't have to be dependent on alcohol and/or drugs to employ some of the life lessons and helpful knowledge being given at AA meetings. Even for those who don't believe in God, taking what you can use in your life and rejecting what you can't use in your life, the message is not only about God. Anyone can have better control of their lives if they want to find some relief from problems and from people in their lives. The warning here is that your feelings about each situation must be felt, realized, and dealt with, before you get the pay-off and before chalking it up to 'It is what it is.' Not for the faint of heart, it's worth all that one must go through in order to achieve some measure of peace. It doesn't work if you just throw up your hands and say, "Fuck it!" It doesn't work if you run to the bottle, take a mind altering drug, or become so depressed that you're physically and emotionally incapacitated as I was. Ask the tough questions of yourself about each scenario and then accept the reality of the situation. Don't try and sugarcoat things by seeing them as you wish they were instead of what is honest and true. Be kind to yourself while you figure out the truth because many times the truth will hurt you. I trust that you'll be fine eventually and will have a better understanding of life because sometimes, it's just... "It is what it is." Only, it was difficult for me to reconcile it is what it is when my creative writing teacher slipped in her mantra of reciting The Serenity Prayer morning and night and died of a heroin overdose. Unable to say it is what it is to that, her tragic and untimely departure made me wish she had called me. I would have been there for her. Yet, maybe with her so ingrained with the thought that it is what it is, perhaps she thought that she was alone. Perhaps she thought she didn't have the control to change her destiny. Perhaps she put too much credence into 'It is what it is.' The End Please give me the support of your vote. It Is What It Is Well she finally talked me into it because I really wanted to see the game, plus I could use some company tonight. Everyone was going to meet at their apartment at 4 o'clock, then the kids would go in one car, and Annie and I would go in my car. The game was at 7, so we were going to tailgate awhile before the game. Ashley and John's dates arrived first, and both seemed like pretty nice kids. They were all definitely fired up for the game. Then Annie drove up and knocked on the door. When she walked in I had to do a double take. She was incredibly beautiful. She had long blond hair that gave her a goddess look. She was about the same height as me, almost 6 foot tall. She had long slender legs, incredible tits, and a body to die for. She had a very pretty face. There was nothing on this lady that didn't seem perfect. I thought to myself, who in the hell would ever divorce this woman. Ashley introduced us. I'm not sure what I said, but everyone laughed, including Annie. Ashley came over and said, "Dad, I think Mom is really going to regret what she did today. In more ways than one, and to be honest, she deserves it." With that she looked at Annie, and then back at me, and gave me a wink. Annie and I drove to the stadium in my car. I decided I needed to tell her everything, so I did. When I finished she said, "Jake I am so sorry. I don't know why some people think the grass is always greener somewhere else. The exact same thing happened to me last year. Just out of the blue, there was someone else." "Annie? If I were lucky enough to have someone as beautiful as you, I would never let you go." "That's sweet Jake. To be honest, I don't see how any woman in her right mind would give you up. You are very handsome, and from what I can tell so far, a pretty nice guy." Yes I think I am really going to enjoy this game. And we did. Annie and I hit it off so well it was kind of freaky. I was a country boy, she was a country girl. We both grew up on farms. She was a barrel racer in the rodeo. She loved country music, and country dancing. Her goal was to move back to the country when she could. She was still living in the house her husband had wanted, but she got it in the divorce. I almost proposed to her at the game. After the game we drove to a little bar to have a drink. There was a band playing and we danced the 2 step until about midnight. I was having so much fun with Annie. We got back to the apartment and I dropped her off at her car. I thanked her for an incredible evening and gave her a little kiss. Then she kissed me back. "Look Annie," I said, "I am going to be busy this week getting this divorce going, but I would like to go out with you next Saturday night. Maybe we have go have dinner, then maybe do some more dancing." "I would love to," she said. She gave me her cell number, and I gave her mine. "Call me this week and let me know how it is going," she said. "Maybe I can give you some advice." "You got it," I said. I walked in the apartment and John and Ashley were sitting on the couch grinning from ear to ear. "So Dad, how did it go with Annie," she said. They both started giggling. "We had a good time. Thank you for inviting her." They giggled again. I just shook my head and pulled out my blow up mattress so I could get to bed. I slept very well that night. The next morning Annie called and wanted to know if we wanted to go to church with her and Brenda. Ashley and John were game, and so was I. So we went to church, then out to eat lunch. I stayed and talked with Annie until about 4 o'clock, then headed home. Surely Lori would have her stuff out by now. On the drive home my phone rang, it was Lori. "Hi Jake. I just wanted to let you know that I have my stuff out of the house. Are you ok Jake?" "As well as can be expected under the circumstances Lori. Did your boy toy fuck your brains out last night? "Don't be like that Jake. I am so very sorry, but this is just something I had to do. I needed this change." "Yea, it has always been about what you want Lori. You are so selfish. It is always about what make YOU happy." "That's not true Jake. I do still love you, and care about you." "Well you sure have a funny way of showing it," I said. "I will find a lawyer tomorrow and make an appointment. We need to get all this behind us. I will check with you before I make the appointment. Be careful Lori, and I hope you find whatever it is your looking for." "Goodbye Jake. I am sorry." I didn't say anything else. I just hung up. The next day I found a good family lawyer. I called Lori to get her approval and she agreed. I made an appointment for Tuesday after school. That night I called Annie. I was feeling depressed, but we talked for about an hour and I felt much better. We met with the lawyer Tuesday. It would be a no fault divorce. We agreed to split everything. She would keep what she had, and I would keep mine. The mutual fund would be sold and split equally. This would be about 50,000 each. Lori agreed to give me the house. I guess she was feeling guilty. I would make all payments and pay all bills on the house. We had separate insurance on everything, so that stayed the same. The lawyer was amazed at how easy it was. It saved us a lot in legal fees. The lawyer said the papers would be ready to sign on Friday. We could stop by anytime, and didn't have to do it together. On Thursday I stopped at a Chevrolet dealer and traded my car for a new Chevy Silverado 4 wheel drive truck. It felt good to be driving a truck again. I called Annie and told her. She said she couldn't wait to see it. She asked me to come eat supper with her Friday night, and then we could drive it around. I was ready for the weekend. School would be out, and I was going dancing. I called Ashley and John to see if it was ok if I stayed with them again this weekend. "Dad, you can stay with us anytime you want. After all, you are paying for this apartment," they said. School was out early on Friday since it was the last day. I went straight to the lawyer's office and signed the papers. I had already packed my bag in my truck, so I headed to Austin. I arrived at my kid's apartment at about 4:30. We talked awhile about everything. They said Lori had been to visit them this week. I asked if she brought Mark along. Ashley said, "Yes, she did. On the outside he seemed pretty nice, and was very charming, but I could tell he was just using Mom. He will eventually dump her Dad, and she is going to get hurt." "I tried to tell her that, but she insist they were meant to be, and that they were soul mates." "He was very good looking, and he seemed very attentive to Mom. I still don't trust him though," Ashley said. "I hate him," John said. "How could Mom be so stupid. Dad, you have always been a great father and husband. We always had everything we needed from you. You treated Mom like a queen. You are my hero Dad. Ashley and I love you more than anything in this world." They both came over and gave me a big hug as I fought back the tears. I told them how much I loved them, and how I would always be there for them. Then Ashley asked me, "Dad, do you still love Mom?" "Yes I do honey. You don't spend 25 years loving someone and have it go away overnight. I think I will always have love for her." I had supper with Annie, then we went for a drive in my new truck. She loved it. We went back to her house and opened a bottle of wine. We sat on the porch and talked until the wine was gone. I kissed her good night and told her how much I was looking forward to dinner and dancing. She told me I better get ready because, "she was going to 2 step my ass off." Over the next few weeks Annie and I spent a lot of time together. We had some pretty heavy petting sessions, but I told her I wanted to wait until my divorce was final to have sex. I was determined not to break my wedding vows. We made plans to go to Las Vegas the day my divorce was final. The divorce would become final on July 28. I also made some other plans. I decided to sell the house when it officially became mine. I would use the money I made on it to buy a place in the country. I will put up a log cabin, and will raise some horses. July 28th came pretty quick. Lori sent me a text that morning which said," I guess that's it." I sent one back that said, "yep, I reckon it is." That afternoon Annie and I flew to Vegas. We checked in at Ceasar's and immediately went to our room. We peeled off our clothes and jumped into the shower together. She took one look at my cock and said, "how in the hell could Lori give that up. I have never seen such a beautiful cock. My husband Larry was about 4 inches and not very thick. You have to be almost 8 inches with the right amount of thickness." Of course I was really at attention being in the shower with Annie. She looked like a goddess. Her long blond hair, long legs, slender body, and a great set of tits. Plus her gorgeous face. Our shower was very sensual. I thought I was going to shoot my wad on the shower wall as she soaped up my dick. She did have an orgasm as I washed her pussy. She had shaved all but a little bit of hair. I was really looking forward to tasting her, and then feeling myself inside her. We dried off and got on the bed. There was a closet with mirrors on the outside so we could see ourselves. She immediately went down on my dick. She took it all. She definitely knew how to please me. She even used the tip of her tongue on that sensitive area underneath the head. She said I could come in her mouth, but I wanted to come inside her our first time. By the way, Lori would never let me come in her mouth. After a few more minutes, I crawled between her legs and buried my tongue in her. She was extremely wet. She tasted so good. She grabbed the back of my head and held me in her pussy. I used my tongue on her sweet spot and soon had her screaming from her orgasm. She said it was the most intense orgasm she ever had. She had another before I finished. I moved up her body and began to kiss her. She took my dick and guided it inside her. I took it slow so she could feel every inch. She spread her legs so she could take all of me. Once I was in she wrapped her long legs around me. I took it real slow at first. I wanted to last as long as I could. It wasn't long before she exploded. She dug her fingernails in my back and started bucking, telling me to go faster. She had another orgasm just as I exploded inside her. More than two months of built up sexual frustration was released in her pussy. We rested awhile, then she rode me cowgirl style. We rested some more, then she sucked me until I came in her mouth. We ate, we drank, we gambled, and we made love over the next 4 days. We made lots and lots of love. When we got back home my real estate agent told me she had a cash buyer for the house. We could move real quick on it if I wanted to. She also had found a nice little 15 acre ranch about half way between here and Austin. It had a horse barn, a water well, a nice pasture, and a great place for a house. I looked at it, and it was perfect. I closed on the house and used the money I made to put a down payment on the land. I then arranged for a contractor to put up the log cabin. He said he could build it pretty quick because they were sold as kits. I went to Austin to see Annie. I had been staying there quite a bit lately. I told her I had something important to discuss with her. I walked in and led her to the couch. "Annie, I have something important to ask you. They will soon be starting on the construction of my log cabin. When it is finished, I want you to move in with me. If it works out, and I'm pretty sure it will, I want you to marry me. I love you very much Annie." She smiled at me for a minute and then she spoke. "Jake, on the outside you are this rugged, macho, good looking hunk of a man. On the inside you are a kind, tender, warm hearted, and a gentle loving human being. I would love to move in with you, and if I it works out, I will marry you. I love you with all my heart Jake." We agreed that when I vacated my house, I would move in with her until our cabin was ready. Ashley and John would move in with Brenda when we left. They would share the house while they went to college. I offered to pay Annie rent, but she refused, saying that living with me was a trade off. A few days later I was finishing up cleaning out the house. I already had what I needed at Annie's house. I got a call from Lori. I had not heard from or seen her in quite awhile. She did not sound good and wanted to talk face to face. She asked if I could stop by her apartment this afternoon. I told her not if her boy toy was there. She said he would not be there. She gave me the address and I told her I was on my way. I could not imagine what she wanted, but I had an idea. When she answered the door I was a little shocked. She had gained some weight and did not look good. Her eyes were puffy from crying. We sat on the couch and she spoke in a soft quivering voice. "Jake, I made a huge mistake when I left you. I don't know what I was thinking. It was the dumbest thing I have ever done in my life. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I let some little prick dupe me into thinking I was better off with him. I am so ashamed of what I did to you and to our family. He wasn't near the lover you are. In fact all he ever did was just fuck me. He never made love to me." She broke down and started crying. I didn't say anything yet, I just let her cry. She went on, "I know I hurt you Jake, but I was wondering if there was any chance you would take me back. I still love you." "Where is Mark?" I asked. "He left me two days ago. He said it had been fun, but he needed to move on. He said he never wanted to see me again." I thought for a minute, then I gave her my answer. "Lori, I loved you with all my heart, and then you broke that heart. That morning you left was like I had been run over with a truck. I wanted to grow old with you. I wanted to sit by you and hold your hand when our kids got married. I wanted to stand beside you as we held our grandkids for the first time, or took them to play in the park. I wanted to be buried next to you so we could be side by side for eternity. You didn't want that. You wanted a change. You wanted someone different. I gave you a chance before you left. I was willing to try and work it out. You just walked out the door. You closed the door Lori. I accepted it, and now so must you. It is what it is Lori." I got up and walked out the door. I could hear her crying as I left. I also heard one last time, "I am so sorry Jake." Epilogue: We started back to school and of course it was a busy time. Lori and I moved into our beautiful log cabin towards the end of September. We bought some horses and lived the good peaceful farm life. We still go dancing every chance we get. The love we have for each other grows stronger by the day. We got married the following March during Spring Break. For our honeymoon we took a Mediterranean cruise. It was a repeat of Vegas, only more so. Lori became depressed and had to get counseling. She eventually came out of it and accepted everything. She still hasn't remarried but I'm sure she will eventually find someone. The Thanksgiving after Annie and I married, Ashley, John, and Brenda were coming to our house for a good old fashion country Thanksgiving dinner. I called Lori and invited her since the kids would be there. Annie even suggested it. It was very pleasant, and she even commented on how peaceful and beautiful it was at our farm. She called later to thank me, and said it had meant so much to her. All I can say is that I am very happy, because, it is what it is.