144 comments/ 159842 views/ 35 favorites How High a Price: Long Ending By: BDad This is my vision of the ending to Troubador's story "How High a Price." If you haven't already read that interesting work it would help greatly to do so before reading this one. I have attempted to stay true to the character personalities as Troubador originally described them. I HAVE added events and actions that suited me and my vision of what the story should say. Yes, it is quite long, it just came out that way by the time I painted the picture I wanted to see. No, it is not a "Stroke" story. The sex in this particular tale is secondary to the emotions and struggles of the characters. There is some violence, it happens in real life sometimes when emotions run high and oft times rightly so. The husband here is not a voyeuristic wimp, a trait that I have come to highly dislike in most of the stories concerning wife and husband relationships in the majority of stories that I have read to date. I submit this with Troubador's consent; I hope I have added something new to the mix. I congratulate the other authors that have submitted other endings to this tale; each have their own visions and experiences to express. We are not all the same. Chapter 1 - Saturday The closing of the sliding glass door was like a switch shutting off the last of the inner strength that had helped Early keep his emotions under control. As his protective shield collapsed he finally gave in to the dark despair that he had fought so hard to keep at bay and wept uncontrollably. Blinking back the tears he began to walk, thinking, "What am I going to do?" "Why did this happen?" Deep in thought Early wandered aimlessly until he chanced upon a small park overlooking Lake Washington. The sound of waves breaking against the shore had always been soothing to Early so when he found a secluded bench where he could sit and watch the waves he stopped to gather his thoughts. He loved Susan more than his own life and the thought of being without her was unbearable. But he also couldn't live the life of a cuckold, what was he to do? Early had always been a problem solver; after all he was chief negotiator and troubleshooter for his company. On many occasions he had resolved issues others had quit on. Early almost smiled at remembering the ease with which he had suggested a compromise in his last negotiation that had concluded with all parties being happy and in a profitable position. He clinched his teeth when he thought of the irony that solving that problem was what let him come home two days early. There had even been a comment from the President/CEO of his company that there was probably a Vice-Presidents position waiting for him when he returned to the office on Monday. Surely if he could negotiate with other people to such satisfactory conclusions he could find a solution to his own problems that would make everyone happy. He pondered his dilemma until finally the overwhelming despair began giving way to other emotions. Determination, loss, and even a hint of curiosity began forming from the morass of jumbled feelings that had tumbled through his mental being since discovering Susan's infidelity. Emerging the strongest and most insistent however were anger and rage. The anger had started out unnoticed as a tiny point of white-hot light in the dark gloom of his despair but the longer Early contemplated his situation the greater it expanded. Early was roused from his stupor by the aching in his jaw muscles from clenching them so tightly in his anger. It was time to quit retreating and form a plan. The afternoon was spent mulling over remembrances of his life with Susan and how to deal with the current situation. Time passed unnoticed until daytime had faded into dusk. "Early! Early, I have been hunting all over for you!" Susan's frantic voice penetrated his concentration and he became aware of his wife standing in front of him in the near dark. "When I finally gathered my wits enough to talk, you were gone. I've been frantic thinking something had happened to you or worse, that you had done something foolish. My God Early, I would die if something happened to you!" Her eyes were swollen and red from crying and even now had tears running down her cheeks. She still wore the skirt and blouse she had been wearing when she had come home this morning. "Susan, what are you doing here?" he answered in a dead voice. "How did you find me?" "I got in the car and started driving around, trying to think of where you might go. When I could finally think straight I knew you would be somewhere near the water. I nearly called the police I was so worried!" "I'm sure," Early grunted in reply. "Please don't hate me," Susan wailed as tears once again begin to flow. "I don't hate you, quite the contrary, I love you beyond understanding. If I didn't love you I wouldn't be in so much pain" His comment cut into Susan like a knife and she began sobbing nearly out of control. "Please Early, lets go home and talk, I need to explain what happened. It doesn't have to be like this, what I did with John had nothing to do with you, with us!" "Susan, until you understand how absolutely wrong that statement is, it will always be like this! But you're right; we need to go home although I don't want to talk right now." At Early's last statement Susan sank to the ground almost in hysterics. Going to her he helped her to stand not by putting his arms around her as he so desperately wanted but holding her arm as they walked to the car. "Give me the keys, I'll drive." The only sound in the car as they drove home was Susan's subdued sobbing. Her attempts at further communication were pointedly ignored. Pulling the car into the garage Early got out and went directly into the house without waiting for her. Entering the house he went to the small bar in the family room and poured himself a tall Scotch. "Would you like a drink?" "No" Without acknowledging her presence any further Early went into the kitchen. It had been many hours since he had last eaten and now that the uncertainty he had lived with for the past few days had become tangible fact he found he was hungry. Making a sandwich in silence he sat down at the breakfast counter to eat it. Trailing along behind Early, Susan tried to get his attention but he ignored her as if she wasn't there. "Early, you can't keep avoiding me, we have to talk" Susan sat on the padded bench of the window box facing him, looking anxiously across the table at him. Turning to her without speaking he marveled at how attractive she was even with bloodshot swollen eyes and no makeup, god he loved this woman. Why had she done this thing that shattered him so completely? Straining barely above a whisper she pleaded, "Early, speak to me, please." "Would you like something to drink?" "No I don't want anything to drink! I want you to talk to me!" "I don't think this is a good time to talk. I might say things I don't mean and would regret later." "I don't care, I can't stand this. We need to talk now" "No, now isn't the time to talk, I've spent all day considering if I want to continue our marriage and our relationship. You need to take some time to think about it also. I will however leave you with something you can consider tonight and we can discuss tomorrow." "First, I do want to stay married if possible. You need to decide if you want to. Before you answer you need to know that there are conditions that will have to be met for it to continue. It's obvious to me we can't continue on like we have in the past so you can imagine what those conditions might be. We can discuss them in detail tomorrow." "Second, you need to explain to me your vision of being married. What are the obligations and associated duties each of us has within that framework." "Third, what did your affair entail? I am not sure I want to hear the sordid details but at least I need to know if it was just physical or is there an emotional attachment between you and John." "Fourth, how did it come about, what led you into it?" "Susan, you have hurt me worse than you can ever imagine, I would rather you had run over me with the car and killed me. Here we are physically whole but for me at least, the fabric of my life now has this ugly black hole burned through the center. But life goes on and we need to begin the healing process and get on with our lives, either together or separately." Lapsing into silence he watched Susan through tear blurred eyes as her mouth opened and closed as she tried to say something but couldn't find words. As she looked at Early her eyes widened as if there was suddenly a beginning of comprehension of what he had said and then turned away crying softly, drawing into herself. "My God! What have I done?" For a few long minutes more he just sat looking at this woman that was the focus of his life. He desperately wanted to go to her and hold her to him until all of her pain went away, but he remained anchored to his stool as if restrained by an invisible hand. "I'm going to bed," Early announced suddenly and without looking back made his way to the guest bedroom. Unable to say anything or make a sound as she silently watched Early's retreating figure, "What must I do to fix this?" she thought to herself. "How can things ever be back to where they were?" Laying in the darkness with open eyes he listened to the silence of the house. Never had he felt so alone. Staring into the dark, he dreading what tomorrow might bring but also looked forward to actively starting seeking a solution to their problems. After a while the door opened and Susan whispered his name, softly calling out to him but Early pretended to be asleep, making no response to her calling. Staring at him for a long time finally her shoulders slumped and she quietly closed the door. Sleep did not come to Early that night, the traits that made him a skillful negotiator and troubleshooter wouldn't let his mind shut down for sleep. He replayed each event, each word and gesture of the last three days over and over again as if he were preparing for a face-off with a tough, difficult opponent. He examined his own emotions, motives, reactions and where his absolute positions were. Most importantly he examined Susan's personality, habits, qualities and all the other things that made her the person she was. He also thought of John Stickner. Although he had met the man on occasion he knew nothing about him. That would soon change. Come Monday morning his staff at work would find out what there was to know about Mr. Stickner. One thing about him Early did know, he had no qualms about going to bed with another man's wife. As his personal deliberations continued and his plan of action continued evolving, he was surprised to find that while his feeling of hurt and pain remained, his anger was increasing and a cold determination to deal with this crises begin forming. When morning finally came Early had completed outlining a plan. Chapter 2 – Sunday In the early morning Early got out of bed and went through his routine of showering, shaving and getting dressed. It was Sunday but the thought of going to Church struck him as being incongruous given the current situation so he dressed in old Levis and pullover shirt. Following his set routine, he made the bed and straightened up the room before going downstairs. It being the guest room was not lost on Early. "I feel like a stranger in my own home" he thought sadly. "I might have to get used to it." Early was preparing breakfast and halfway through his first morning cup of coffee when Susan came in. She looked fresh scrubbed with little make up and wearing jeans and an old blouse. "God how gorgeous she is" Early thought sadly to himself. "Would you like a cup of coffee?" he asked. "Yes, thank's." Pouring the coffee, he added sugar and just enough cream to make it change color. As he handed it to her their eyes made contact for a brief moment but Susan looked away and started to get misty. Early too felt uncomfortable and needing to change the suddenly emotional atmosphere he returned his thoughts to his cooking. "How many pancakes would you like?" "I'm really not very hungry, I'm not sure I could keep food down if I ate it." "I think it would be better if you ate something, but do whatever you want." "Early, I can't stand it any longer, we have to talk now! I didn't sleep all night, I kept thinking about what you said, about us, about what happened and we need to fix this now before it eats us up." Susan was again in tears and Early could see that breakfast was only a way for him to avoid the inevitable. He turned the stove off, moved the pan to the side and taking his cup he turned and faced her. "Would you like to sit here or move to somewhere more comfortable?" "We can stay here" Sitting down at the breakfast table and facing Susan he spoke in a quiet but level tone, "Susan, from my point of view something has gone terribly wrong here. Last Wednesday I would have said "our" point of view but now suddenly you're a stranger to me. If we're to continue as a couple we need to re-evaluate our beliefs and feelings and come to a mutual understanding of what being married means to each of us as individuals. Obviously we do not share the same beliefs." "Early, that isn't true!" Susan said in a voice barely a step away from hysteria. "Based on what I know today I can reach no other conclusion. But this isn't starting out well; I've done almost all of the talking yesterday and today and for that I apologize. I have one more thing to say and then the floor is yours. After having a night to think about what I said yesterday do you still want to stay married?" "Early, that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard you say! Of course I want to be married to you! I love you more than anything on this earth! I want to be yours forever!" "Are you absolutely sure? I'm having a hard time squaring what you're saying with your actions of the past few days!" "God please don't say that! I love you and only you! You have to believe me!" "OK then, let's talk about what happened. You haven't given me a straight answer to any of my questions since you walked into the house yesterday morning. You have only answered with this strange notion that you "owed" Stickner for helping you. Now I need straight yes or no answer, did you break our wedding vows, did you have sex with him?" "Yes," she answered in a whisper he could barely hear. Although Early had anticipated that this would be Susan's answer, the actually hearing it from her was like a physical blow. A huge pain coursed through Early and he couldn't help but let out a strangled sob. Regaining his composure he steeled himself to continue. "I need to know what you did and to understand why you did it. Start from the very beginning and tell me how the hell this happened. I promise I will try to not interrupt or comment until you are through." Not looking at Early, Susan took a sip of her coffee and then stared into the cup for a while before setting it down. Finally looking up at him with teary eyes she cleared her throat softly and begin speaking in a low but clear voice. "I had not worked much with John before the Melrose account. I knew him of course as we work on the same floor but at opposite ends of the building. Also we do different things; he is very good at courtroom presentation while I as you know have specialized in corporate law." "Until I was assigned to salvage the Melrose mess I had only casual contact with him during the odd meeting or at one of the rare functions we were both in attendance. He is a very senior staff attorney while I am a struggling mid-level member fighting my way up the ladder. He was designated as my senior contact on the account so he was the one I went to when I found a problem and needed advice." "Mr. Anderson himself had called me into his office and asked if I would take over the Melrose account as there were problems that fell into my field of expertise. If we didn't get it straightened out we would loose them as a client. I was eager to take this assignment on, even though it meant a lot of hard work and frustration. It was my chance to show the partners what I was capable of and maybe a promotion if I did well" "I assumed the account lead about two months ago and as you will recall, I worked a lot of long hours and late nights. At first I concentrated on becoming familiar with the account and the work that had been accomplished to that point so I didn't ask John for much help. After a week or so things started to become less straight forward and I needed to ask for his input more and more often." "On those nights we had to work late together we ordered in Chinese take-out or Pizza, and when we relaxed during these times I found him to be an pleasant and charming person to be around. He told me that he had been following my career at the firm and was impressed with my work and dedication. He indicated that he had been the one that recommended that this account be turned over to me. I was very flattered that he was familiar with my work and thought enough of my abilities to warrant this assignment." "One evening, about four weeks ago, he said he was tired of Chinese and Pizza and asked if I would like to go out to dinner instead, that he had something he wanted to discuss . We wound up at a pub not far from the office that has decent food and on that night had a blues band playing in the background. We ordered dinner and a drink to relax. He said he had a surprise for me. He had discussed my handling of the Melrose account with Mr. Anderson and how impressed he was with my work. He told me he suggested to Mr. Anderson that someone of my talent and ambition should be given an incentive to grow with the firm and that a partnership offer would be an appropriate reward if I pulled the account together and got the firm out of its mess." "That revelation made me euphoric! My god how I wanted to succeed, to get the recognition, at last all of my hard work was beginning to pay off!" "John then took my hand in his and told me I deserved it, that not only was I a talented attorney but a beautiful one as well." "I was embarrassed at his comment but also flattered, and it made me feel really good about myself. I felt tingly where he touched me but I put it off as the thrill of the moment. Looking back I guess this was the first time that I had a reaction to John as a man instead of just a professional coworker and superior. It was also the first time that I acknowledged to myself how really charming and witty he was, and handsome in a glossy sort of way." "After that night we seemed to work more as a team and he often commented on the clothes I wore or the perfume I was wearing. He also kept giving me little updates on the reception of the Senior Partners to his petition for my being offered a partnership in the firm. The more we discussed this the more excited I became until it was all I could think about. Besides the increase in position and personal prestige there is also a substantial increase in the financial rewards, and I found myself daydreaming about all the things we could do with the additional income." "On Monday, the day you left, we traveled to the Melrose office for a presentation of our report, and to pitch our case for them continuing retaining us as legal council. It went very well and in the end they signed a retainer for another two years at a very healthy fee. To celebrate we went out to dinner at Francos. The mood was celebratory to say the least and we celebrated with Champaign and a fine dinner. All seemed right with the world at last after working so hard for so long." "During dinner John and I talked about the events of the day and just business chit chat but during dessert he suddenly changed from being in a festive light mood to a somber quiet one. When I asked him what was wrong he denied any change or problems but his denials were obviously hollow and he knew it. After a bit of goading he finally loosened up a little and told me that it had been a long time since he had enjoyed the company of a beautiful woman and felt so at ease with someone. I was so flattered, all women like to hear nice things about themselves, I guess we really have egos bigger than men." How High a Price: Long Ending "John had never spoken of his personal life before but as we continued to talk he related that his wife of 20 years had died of cancer two years ago. Since her death he had buried himself in his work to cover up the pain of missing her. I almost cried as I thought what it would be like to be without you, the loneliness of being without someone you were so close to for so long. I felt so bad for John and told him I was sorry, I had no idea he had been married or what his marital status was as he seldom talked about his private life. He replied that he knew nothing of my private life either but did know I was married. We talked about what it was like to be married, the things we liked and the things we didn't. We found we had very similar likes and dislikes and that we both were very intertwined with our marriage partners." "He reminisced about Saturday breakfast on the patio and Sunday walks by the shore. He told me the thing he missed the most was cuddling up in bed after making love, it was their most precious time and he still has a hard time falling asleep at night" "Early, listening to John talk nearly broke my heart, such sadness must be awful to endure." "The next day we were working in the office closing up the loose ends of the contract when Mr. Anderson came by my office and congratulated me on doing such a great job and that the client had been very impressed with my handling of the account. As he departed my office he stopped at the door and told me that career opportunities may open up for me in the near future." "Early, I was ecstatic! This was what I have been working towards from the day I became a lawyer, and I owed a great deal of my success to John's guidance and help." "As soon as Mr. Anderson left I went to Johns office to tell him what had been said. I told John that I owed him a huge debt of gratitude and asked him how could I ever repay him for what he had done for me. He laughed it off saying there was really nothing that he had done. I had done most of the work and deserved the promotion that Anderson had hinted at.. I persisted and said that surely there must be something I could do for him, he replied jokingly that if I had a sister or could be cloned then he could think of something but under current circumstances there was nothing that could be done." "I asked what he was talking about and he said that if I were single his wish would be for us to spend some time together but with me being married it was impossibility. He admired me greatly and was attracted to me and that under different circumstances we might be more than friends" "Johns confession shocked me and I mumbled something about needing to get back to work and went to my office and closed the door. John's expression of feelings toward me left me emotionally confused. I felt an attraction towards him but it had never entered my mind to ever act on them. It was like when you are driving down the street and you see an attractive woman in a mini skirt. It is OK to fantasize but that is the end of it." "That afternoon I called to tell you about Mr. Andersons comments because I was positive he meant a partnership. You said that you were too busy to talk right then that it would have to wait until later. You brushed me off before I could get a word in edgewise and it hurt my feelings terribly. I felt like a little kid that gets ignored when he is trying to tell an adult something important." "I stewed all afternoon about your lack of interest in what was one of the most important events in my life until I had worked myself into a lather. I realize now that wasn't the case but it seemed very real at the time" " Wednesday afternoon John called and asked if I would like to join him and the rest of the staff that had worked on the Melrose account for a final after work celebration drink for completing the work and my coming promotion. I agreed to meet them and was looking forward to socializing with the people who could understand and identify with all the work and effort that went into saving the Melrose account and what my promotion meant to me." "We met at the "Advocate" and occupied s a couple of side by side booths. Mostly we talked about how nice it would be for a few days to be out from under the pressure of a "must do" project. We all toasted each other on a job well done and the drinks flowed pretty heavily. Everyone told me what a great job I had done and how they had enjoyed working with me. I felt on top of the world as I ate up all of the complements, the feeling was so intoxicating. Eventually everyone went home except for John and I. By then I was way beyond tipsy from the drink plus still on an emotional high from the success of the account resolution and my pending promotion. I didn't want to end the celebration. I told John that I dreaded going home alone to a dark empty house, that it would be such a let down after the past two months effort and tonight's celebration." "John lamented that all he had to go home to was a gardener and a bad tempered Scottish Terrier, and that he would forgo that in favor of spending time with the beautiful and talented next partner of Jenson, Sharon and Anderson. His words were mesmerizing and I soaked up the complements like a schoolgirl on her first date." "I told John I was very much in his debt and greatly appreciated not only his help but also his friendship over the past two months, and that if there was anything at all I could do for him all he had to do was ask. His reply was, "The only problem he had was something impossible for me to fix. Then he gave my hand a long squeeze lifted it to his lips and kissed it." "At that moment I knew how I was going to pay John for the huge debt I felt I owed him. I told him that tonight he didn't have to go home to a lonely house and a bad tempered dog. Tonight I would be with him and he wouldn't be alone in the morning when he woke up." "The real world had ceased to exist for me and in my state of mind at the time it seemed so right. It was a personal gift that only I could give. It not only demonstrated how much I valued his help and friendship but would also bring comfort to him in an area where he knew only grief. I felt that if I could be a substitute for his wife, if only for a short while, then it might help him along with his life." With teary eyes and a choking voice Early was unable to stick to his promise of silence "Susan, didn't it occur to you that you already were a wife? That you had made that contract with someone else?" At this Susan broke down into tears and hid her face in her hands. "I'm sorry Susan, I promised I wouldn't interrupt. Please go on, I will try to not interrupt again" After long moments Susan rose and poured herself a glass of ice water, Early sat in stony silence as he watched her move to the kitchen and return to her seat at the window. Pulling a gap in the blinds she stared into the back yard, struggling for control. Finally turning back to Early she continued in a quiet voice. "No Early, at that precise moment I was another person in another reality. My mind was centered on at last getting real recognition for my work and the associated potential rewards. That, plus a mixture of gratitude and compassion for the person that had done so much to help me achieve it. My only excuse now is that I was drunk with the glory of my success and also very high on the large amount of Champaign I had consumed." Early sat silently, wondering who this person was sitting across from him, she looked familiar but it was like a dream where the characters are blurry and out of focus and he couldn't quite come to grips with who she was. "I called my assistant at home and told her she could have the rest of the week off as I was taking a break and wouldn't be into the office until Monday. I then told John I was his until Saturday morning as you were due back on Saturday and we could never do it again" Susan paused at this point, as if trying to decide if she would go any further with her tale. Her face was ashen and her eyes were devoid of the sparkle and life that was so much a part of her. "Finish you story Susan, I am sure I won't like hearing it but it is something I, we, must face if we are to move on. "There is not much point going into a lot of detail, I went to Johns house and pretended to be his wife until Saturday morning. "What happened while you were playing wife" Early queried miserably. "Please Early I don't want to talk about it" Susan pleaded. "Finish the story Susan" "We spent Thursday and Friday setting by the pool or in the study drinking wine and talking about our lives, our childhood, our ambitions and our dreams. Things you would normally talk about in a relaxed atmosphere with very close friends. We spent a great deal of time talking about a variety of things but the conversation always wound up talking shop, specifically about the Melrose account and my pending promotion. It made me feel so good to have someone that understood how important it was for me to be successful. We spent the days just relaxing and enjoying ourselves. Susan turned her head and looked out the window again, tears streaming down her cheeks unable or unwilling to continue further. "What else Susan?" Early finally asked through clinched teeth in a voice edged with anger, dreading what would come next but being drawn like the proverbial moth to the flame. He had to know what happened if there was ever to be any peace within himself, knowing was better than guessing and making up visions in his mind that would haunt him forever. There could be no secrets, no lies, and no deceptions if they were ever to repair their relationship and their marriage. "What about the nights? What did you do at night Susan?" "No Early, please don't make me say it!!" "I'm not going to make you say or do anything. You do what you feel is necessary to achieve whatever your goals are. I personally believe that honesty and the truth is the only chance we have of making it together, of saving "us," of course the truth and honesty have not been your strong suits of late " Early said nothing more but sat and watched Susan. As the silence drug on Susan twisted her wedding rings nervously and closed her eyes as tears ran down her face. "We had sex, " she whispered in a voice so low Early was not sure what she had said. "I didn't hear you Susan, what did you say?" Susan let out an anguished cry "We had sex Early!! We made love! We fucked!! What else can I say! At night we slept together and had sex!" "Oh dear God help me I wish I were dead!!" And with that outburst she curled up on the bench and began crying hysterically, with great choking sobs. It tore the fabric of Early's soul as he watched Susan. On one hand he desperately wanted to go to her, hold her and make everything all right but on the other his own pain and anger made him want to lash out and punish her for doing this to him, to their previous happy life. Instead he sat unmoving. It felt like his body had turned to lead. Watching impassively Early waited until she passed from hysteria to making little groaning noises then went to the kitchen sink and wet a hand towel with cold water. "Here, wash your face and hold the cloth over your eyes until you can get settled. I know this is horribly painful for you but it is for me also, probably more so. I've cried for three days now and run out of tears, I can cry no more, it is time to start healing our wounds if we can." Regaining enough control to wipe her face Susan pressed the cool cloth to her red swollen eyes and struggled to gather her composure. Getting up Early poured a fresh cup of coffee for himself then turned to Susan ,"Would you like a cup of coffee?" After a long pause she answered in a strangled voice, "Yes, thank you." Automatically he poured her coffee, adding a half-teaspoon of sugar with a splash of cream just as he had made it for her a million times before. It was an automatic response to someone you knew like your own self. Early felt a pang of sorrow as he mentally corrected himself, "Someone you thought you knew that well." They sat and sipped on their coffee without speaking until the silence punctuated their obvious discomfort. "What now Early?" Susan asked in a defeated whisper. "What do we do now?" "We continue talking. We try to discover who we really are and what allowed this to happen. As long as we can talk like rational human beings there is always hope. It also depends on what expectations and needs we have from each other. Are you ready to talk about those things Susan?" "Yes, I dread talking anymore, dread it like death, but I know it's the only way we can move on. I need to do something that will help, I can't cry anymore. At this moment I wish I were dead." Speaking in a soft but determined voice Early continued, "Susan, why did you do it? Is there something missing between us? Have I done something wrong? Did you get bored with me and want to spice up your sex life? I guess the old saw about variety being the spice of life may be true. I have some personal suspicions about what was at least partially the cause but you need to examine it and tell me what you think it was." Despite her previous comment about not being able to cry anymore, Susan's eyes filled with tears as she struggled to articulate her thoughts. "No Early, there was and is, nothing that you have done wrong. You are the most wonderful considerate person in this world. What I did was my own doing. I know this will sound like I'm making excuses but at the time I was another person in another world. I was driven to prove myself at work as not just a good female attorney, but a great attorney by any measure in any circumstance. Being a full partner in the firm was the Holy Grail for me and I have worked like a Dervish to reach that goal all of my professional life. When John intimated that there might be a promotion and even the possibility of being offered a partnership if I were to bring the Melrose account to a successful conclusion I became fixated on achieving that goal. I desperately wanted the prestige and the financial rewards that came with it. The Melrose account and the firm became my real world." "As work on the Melrose account progressed John was involved more and more and I became convinced that I couldn't do it without his input. He had unique insights into the character of the client and the cause of what had made the relationship with them come unraveled in the first place. He was always there supporting me not only with the account but also with the senior partners of the firm, championing my cause. I became enamored with John, not in the way I love you but like a schoolgirl crush on a favorite teacher." "When he told me his wife had died of cancer and how alone he had been since that time I felt devastated. When we were finally successful at saving the Melrose account there was such a rush of euphoria that I couldn't think straight. I wanted to share that feeling with everyone who had participated and especially with John who had been my mentor and counsel." "That was how I was feeling when we were celebrating with the gang. When it came time for us to leave the party I had way too much to drink and obviously shouldn't be driving so John suggested that we lock up my car and take his. We wound up at his house having a nightcap and the next thing I knew we were in bed together. The next morning when I woke up none of the euphoria was gone. The next few days had a surreal like quality to them with John always there boosting my ego making me feel good about myself and telling me how great I was." "Looking at it now, I was another person in another world. My real world as a wife became like a dream where you wake up and you know what it was but don't remember the details. My mind and feelings were in another place and because of my feeling of camaraderie and gratitude to John plus the sympathy for a friend the act of going to bed with him didn't register at the time as something wrong. I didn't make a calculated decision to cheat, I never thought of what I was doing in those terms. The impact of that decision didn't really dawn on me until I saw you setting in the dark on Saturday morning. Seeing you jolted me back to reality like ice water being dashed in my face awakening me from that dream! Then the full impact and implications of my actions hit me in a wave of fire and agony. Seeing you sitting alone in the dark was an epiphany! An epiphany of the worst kind! What had I done? How could I have done this to you, to you and me? Oh, God I was scared!" "Oh God Early! Please don't leave me. I'll do anything you want, just please forgive me." Susan sank to the floor in a sobbing heap, crying out of control. "I'll die without you!" Early watched his wife, her body wracked with sobs of despair. He patiently waited for her to regain her composure before helping her up to a setting position on the bench "Susan, before I can forgive you we need to come to grips with what our requirements are for preserving our union. To determine that, there are issues we need to settle and questions that must be asked and answered." "What more can I tell you, I made a terrible, terrible mistake. I realize the hurt I've caused you and I wish I could undo it but at the time I thought it was the right thing to do. Somehow the danger to our marriage, to you, never entered my head. Work at the firm became a separate world to that where you and I live together. Until last night I never considered what I was doing as prostituting myself for advancement. Nothing John had done called for my rewarding him for his effort on my behalf. It seems stupidly foolish looking back on it, but it was like the office and job were the real world and the one where I am your wife was like a movie. I was so thankful for what John had done for me and wanted to do something special for him. I can't believe my thinking now. I can't believe you will understand, but there was no love such as between you and I. There was sexual pleasure, but again nothing like we, you and I normally indulge ourselves." Early leaned forward in his chair and looking directly into Susans eyes he asked "What were the rewards Susan, power, money, prestige? A bigger office with your name on the door? I don't know how much worth those things have for you but let me ask you a question; are they worth our marriage?" "If the sum total value of all of the rewards, including making your "friend" feel better, could be put in a box and offered to you in exchange for your marriage, your husband and your home, would you have taken it?" Susan visibly flinched at Early's question "No, of course not when you put it that way. I can't imagine my life without you in it." "Then maybe you should try to imagine it, that's the price you are very, very close to paying." Susan reacted to Early's last comment with a horrified expression "No! Early, you can't mean that! We can work this out! Please tell me we can fix this, I will do anything you want, just name it. Please tell me what to do!" "Wife, I cannot tell you what to do, I have never told you how to conduct yourself. You are an intelligent and thoughtful person and I had always had faith in your judgment and assumed you had faith in mine." "Now for me at the present time that faith is a thing of the past. But to answer your question it appears to me that there are two things we need to address; one, we need to come to a mutual understanding of the basic concepts that define our union, the other is we need to clearly establish our individual positions on things affecting that union. To that end I have questions that yesterday you were unable or unwilling to answer. While they may be painful for you to address it is necessary to get them behind us and put away for good." How High a Price: Long Ending Susan sat with her hands clasped together in her lap staring blank faced at a spot on the floor and nodded in silent agreement. What had seemed so clear a few days before had turned into a smothering nightmare. Now she felt lost and empty and she had no one to blame but herself. But Susan had never been a quitter and if the spark of hope Early had given her looked like a candle in a distant window then she would find a way to get to that light. Taking a deep breath and setting straighter on the bench she gathered her resolve to fix this. The time had come to make things right no matter how difficult, and if in the end it didn't work out it wouldn't be because she didn't try. Steeling herself she raised her head to look directly at Early "What do you want answered? I will tell you anything you want to know." Early noted with interest the small change in Susan's demeanor, he was adept at reading body language and was pleased that her intellect was starting to assert itself. He had much more confidence in discussion and decisions based on intellect rather than emotion. At least now he felt he had a chance of reasoning with Susan. Early looked deep into Susan's eyes and asked "How long have you been having an affair with Stickner?" "We didn't have an affair! I told you this was a one-time deal and I told you what was behind it. I swear to God Early. Having an affair never entered my mind. You must believe me." "How many other times have you paid "debts" to someone with your body, with sexual favors?" This question put Susan on the verge of tears. "There have never been any others Early, how can I convince you that I love and want only you. I have never loved anyone else in my whole life, I have never wanted anyone else! I BELONG TO YOU!" "I always thought you did. Until now I would never have questioned it. Now I'm not sure you know what that really means. Somehow you convinced yourself that this set of circumstances was so important and unique that they overrode your wedding vows and promises to me. That your love for me and "belonging" to me does not preclude you having sex with another man!" Early's anger continued rising as his mind lapsed back to picturing Susan's car parked at Stickner's house for two days, "How could you love me and spend two days and three nights playing "wife" to someone else? What you did was cold and calculated, not a spur of the moment indiscretion. You took time to take an overnight bag, and even to call me and pretend you were home being the dutiful, loving wife. Where was Stickner while you were talking to me? Was he laughing quietly as you told me about being in our "big lonely bed?" "Stop it! Stop it! Stop it Early! No one laughed or made fun of you! This is bad enough without you making it worse" Susan screamed. Shocked at Susans outburst he calmed his anger and sat silently, struggling with his emotions. Susan hugged her arms to herself and a look of helplessness on her face. "Susan, I need to say some things and I want you to listen very carefully to what I'm saying. It's extremely difficult for me to remain calm here so I need to get these things said before it gets out of hand. Will you hear me out?" "Yes, of course I will. I want us to get back to our normal lives, I want you to love me again. I will do whatever is necessary to make that happen." Early moved his chair facing Susan and took her hands in his and looking directly at her he spoke softly but with strength "Susan, you are not only an immensely attractive woman but also very, very intelligent. I want you to think carefully about what I am saying and in a few days you need to tell me how you really feel about it. Will you do that?" Susan nodded her head in silent agreement. "It seems to me that we have different views of certain ideas and the meaning of certain concepts. For us to reach any kind of resolution we need to come to an understanding of how we each feel." "What do you think it means when someone is said to commit adultery? What does that mean to you? Is it something inconsequential?" "You swear to me you have never had an affair; that what happened last week was something else. Susan, what was that if it wasn't an affair? I suppose a one night stand could be excluded from consideration as an "affair" but even there this assignation qualifies as more than a one night affair." "Our wedding vows included the phrase "forsaking all others." We both repeated those words in a solemn oath to each other in front of witnesses. As an attorney what is your opinion of the validity and meaning of that particular promise?" Susan visibly paled at Earlys words but said nothing. He could see pain in her eyes as she struggled with what he was saying. "Have you been a lawyer for so long and become so used to bending the meaning of words and phrases around to conveniently suit your goals that these things don't mean to you what I have always assumed they meant?" Susan started to speak but Early placed a finger to her lips to gently silence her. "Before you answer I truly do want you to take time to consider it. What I am about to say may affect your consideration." "As I said before Susan, I love you and want you more than my own life and I want for us to find a way to put this behind us. Hopefully someday it will be just a dim memory that we have been able to push into the dark recesses of our minds." "However, you need to be aware of a couple of things and I want to be very, very, clear about them." "First, under no circumstances will I live the life of a cuckold. I will not tolerate the slightest competition for your love and affections. Should there ever be another occasion where you compromise our marriage agreements then our marriage is over. As much as I love and adore you I cannot and will not stand the pain and humiliation of going through this again. If you feel that my position is unreasonable and you feel a need to have latitude in our marriage agreements for whatever reason, then let me know and we can start divorce proceedings now and go on with our lives" "Early I have told you it will never happen again! How many times must I tell you! What must I do to convince you?" "Susan, don't be too hasty saying that. I would never have thought you would have done it in the first place but it did happen! You need to consider the circumstances and conditions that led you to believe that it was OK to cheat on our marriage this time and make sure that there are not circumstances where you feel it would be acceptable to do it again. And remember this, things have a habit of coming out into the open. Certainly you never expected me to come home and intrude on this "other world" of yours. The world of your work where you feel I don't belong." Susan said nothing but began crying softly again. Was she envisioning what Early said? Were there circumstances where she might do it again? Wiping her eyes with a tissue until her crying had diminished enough to talk she finally looked at Early, "I made a mistake, I know that now. I don't need to think about what "adultery" means and I don't need to examine what "forsaking all others" means. I will never ever do anything again that will put our relationship in danger. You may be right, I am so used to viewing the meaning of things in "legalize" that for a while I lost sight of how absolute the meaning of these things are. Attorneys do play with words, we don't see that the absolutes that are behind the words and phrases. I swear to you that it will never happen again." "I am sure you mean that Susan, but I still want you to think it over for a few days. Give yourself time to think about what I have said and consider your personal ambitions. Sitting at the desk in your office may change your outlook." After a short pause Early continued, "I don't want any final decisions or promises to be made here right now by either you or myself. We're both very distraught right now and we need time to give our intellects a chance to seek out the truth. Let's agree to not make any promises until Wednesday. After you have returned to the environment and influence of your office for a few days you may feel differently. I'm trying hard to deal with this unemotionally but you must know that underneath what seems like a calm facade I hurt." Susan watched Early's face as he spoke, feeling his obvious pain and responded to him in a voice of resignation "I don't need time to know what I want, but if it will make things better I will do as you ask although it is a waste of time. I already know how I feel about you and what I am willing to do to keep you." "Thank you, I appreciate that, but I want you to be very sure that you can keep the promises you are making." "You said there were a couple of things you wanted to be clear about, what else is there?" The look on Early's face became dark and in a voice that didn't conceal his anger he answered "You need to know that I have a personal issue with John Stickner and his participation." Susan's eyes widened in surprise at Early's comment, her voice anxious "What do you mean you have an issue with John? Early I told you this was my doing, it wasn't Johns idea, it was my idea. He didn't do anything wrong, please leave him out of this!" "I'm sorry Susan but he had plenty to do with this, I suspect much more than you realize, but that's another issue I don't want to go into now. Right now there is another, very clear cut issue that must be addressed and quite frankly one that doesn't involve you." "What are you saying, how can there be an issue between you and John that doesn't involve me? It was my stupidity that caused all of this." "He knew you were married and has known for a very long time. Did he have any reason to believe that ours wasn't a happy marriage?" "No, of course not. Everyone knows we are very happy in our marriage" Early visibly winced at Susan's last comment. In a controlled but strained voice Early continued, "So you are saying that John knew you were "happily married" during the period leading up to and while you were having your tryst with him?" "Yes" "Did you ever tell him that we had some kind of "open" marriage? That I knew about what was going on and was OK with it? "No, I told him we must keep it very quiet, no one was ever to find out." "Well my dear wife therein lays the crux of the matter between Mr. Stickner and myself. He knew you were spoken for, those rings on your left hand say "Private Property" "No Trespassing" " He chose to ignore it." "But Early, I am the one that told him it was OK." "I know you did but you're missing the point. Regardless of what you said he still knew you were married, was aware of the implications and did it anyway. This issue has nothing to do with you personally; it is between he and I. He knowingly dishonored my marriage and knowingly dishonored me, there is a price to be paid for those transgressions." "Early, you can't mean this, what are you going to do? Please don't do anything foolish! What are you going to do, please tell me! This kind of talk scares me, it is not like you at all." Susan became more and more alarmed as she considered what Early had just said. "Well wife you should have thought of this before you decided to go play house with another man. Do you really think I am going to just sit by and let another man steal what is mine and put up no resistance? I am paying a terrible price because of your infidelity. You say you want to continue our marriage, that we can fix it and things will be OK again. Well you may change your mind about that by the end of the week." "John Stickner is not going to escape without paying a price for his part in this and it is going to be high enough so that it stays with him for a very long time." "Just what are you planning to do Early? What kind of "price" are you talking about?" Susan asked anxiously. "Frankly, my original thought yesterday when I left the house was to kill him. Luckily I calmed down and came to my senses before I did something that foolish but this is not something that I will ignore." Susan paled at Early's comment about killing Stickner. "You can't do this, you can't blame John for something that was my doing. I can't let you do that." "To quote someone else, ..."this has nothing to do with you, with us." This is something I feel I have to do. This has nothing to do with my love for you. It is something that I owe John Stickner for what he has done to me." Early's anger grew as he spoke "Susan, you created this situation, put me in this position and now I have something I must do because it simply must be done. It's not important that you understand this. You need to stay out of it. If you interfere in any way or decide you need to take his side against me then we are through, we don't need to discuss anything further. Your actions and cooperation set these events in motion and now you are going to have to live with the consequences!" Susan stared with wide eyes at Early as if suddenly he were a stranger. The silence lasted for a very long time with neither of them saying anything. Breaking the silence he addressed Susan in a calmer voice "Do you still want to try to save our marriage, considering all of the things we have talked about this morning?" "Yes of course I do Early, I will do anything to fix it but this thing you feel is between you and John frightens me" Looking directly at Susan, Early spoke in a quiet even voice, "More than anything I want us to be together and whole and back to like it was. I love you Susan, you are my life but I doubt we can ever get back all of what we had. All we can do now is build a new future and hope it will be as wonderful as our past was. I will probably never have the trust in you that I had in the past. Probably you will never look at me as the same person. This has changed me as a person and a husband." Susan burst into tears, as the price they were paying for her lapse of good judgment continued to grow. "Being concerned about how I intend to deal with Stickner is a waste of your time, it happens whether we stay married or go our separate ways." Waiting until Susan had regained her composure he leaned close to her and took both of her hands in his. "Susan, do you still want to continue on investigating what we must do? Do you think you can do your part?" Returning Early's look Susan answered immediately "Yes, I know I have hurt you terribly and want to make it up to you. I love you more than you know even though my actions would seem to belie that statement. I'll do anything to make you happy again. Just tell me what I have to do to make that happen." "By your own words you did something ..."as if you were another person." What happens if that other person surfaces again? What happens then?" With a hint of steel in her voice she replied, "Early, I swear that it will never happen again, not ever." Getting up Early returned to the kitchen, "I'm going to finish cooking breakfast, would you like some pancakes and sausage?" "Whatever you are cooking is fine, I'm not very hungry though." Early finished cooking breakfast and they sat mostly in silence, as they ate, neither eating very much. After they had completed Early started gathering the dirty dishes and putting them into the dishwasher. "I need to be alone for a while Early, I need to do a lot of self examination." "Fine, I have some things I need to do myself. Why don't you use the study and I will make sure I don't disturb you." "Thank you, I would appreciate that." Susan left the kitchen for the study and Early finished cleaning the kitchen and then after careful thought knocked softly on the study door. "Come in." Opening the door enough to see into the study but not going in Early could see Susan sitting at the desk with a pen and writing pad making notes. "Pardon the intrusion but I'm going to be gone for a while and wanted to let you know. After I return perhaps we could go out to a late afternoon lunch. Getting out of this house into the sunshine and fresh air might be good for both of us." Her eyes brightened as she responded to his invitation "Yes, I would like that" "I'll be back in about three hours, we can leave after that" Then without waiting for acknowledgement Early closed the door and left. That afternoon Early purchased the new beds and made arrangements for their old bed to be picked up and disposed of when the new ones were delivered on Monday. Next he purchased linens and other accessories necessary to go with the new bed arrangement. There was no joy in this shopping trip. Afterwards Early stopped at a Starbucks with sidewalk seating and had a cup of coffee while he contemplated what he was planning to do. What was it really going to take to save his marriage? Was it worth saving? What had really precipitated this catastrophic event in his life? As Early remembered the wonderful years with Susan he became angry that it might now be ending. He found solace in the anger; it helped to assuage the pain in his gut and gave him the desire to fight back against this assault on his personal world. Being a man of careful consideration, Early never went into a negotiation without a plan and had found over the years the effort put into a plan was never a waste. His "cool" had become a legend in his company, and had come to be recognized far outside the industry he was in. He never seemed to be flappable, always spoke with cool precision and invariably what some considered wild guesses were proven correct. Early knew of the reputation and attributed it to his meticulous planning. By the time he entered a negotiation he knew all the players and all the chips on the table. He tried to know all those under the table too and his connections usually were precise. As he drank his coffee he mulled over in his mind the plan of action he had started formulating since walking out of the house at Susan's return. Finally completing his mental deliberations he decided on a course of action. The act of deciding on a plan cleared away the fog that had cluttered Early's mind and he could now see clearly where he was headed. Right or wrong he had a course of action for dealing with this crises, the most important of his life. At last he begin to feel better. It reminded him of a time years before when he was a younger man in a hostile desert environment. He had made his plan, executed that plan and had then watched his adversaries yield before him. He reasoned that if you couldn't undo a thing then acknowledge that fact and go on to something you could do. What he could do is end this chapter of the life he and Susan were in and start a new chapter. Getting outside away from the dark interior of their house and into the sunshine would be a beginning. Go to lunch where they could sit and relax and talk. Talking was always good even if it didn't appear to be of significance for there was always something to be gained in every conversation. Looking at his watch Early noted that he had been gone for over three hours, it was time to go back to the house and get Susan. Returning home he found her freshly bathed and changed into a modest sun-dress and sandals waiting for his return. Looking up Susan asked "I wasn't sure you meant it when you said you wanted to go to lunch, did you really mean it?" Except for her puffy swollen eyes she was radiant, and seeing her made Early's heart beat faster. Even dressed plainly she exuded an aura of class and understated beauty. "Where would you like to go?" he asked in as cordial a voice as he could muster. "Somewhere new, somewhere we can be alone away from the city, this house and our jobs if for just a little while" "OK, why don't we take a ride out towards the mountains and see what we can find."