82 comments/ 54680 views/ 34 favorites Her Sophie's Choice By: radk It's been a while since I submitted anything on L.E. to stir up the readership. Sorry, but life intervened and I had to focus on that for a while. Hopefully this little bit of fiction can make some of you smile or think, or both. The heaters will hate it anyway so I don't worry about them. There isn't any graphic sex in this story. Thanks to jo for editing and suggesting a rewrite at the end. Copyright © 2014 by the author. ******** "Thank you, no more for me. Check please." Enrique the bartender smiled as he slid the tab over to Sarah. As she rummaged through her purse searching for enough cash to pay the bill she thought about why she was sitting by herself at Chubby's Bar on a weeknight in the first place. "Boy I am so fucked! I've gotten myself in this 'damned if I do and damned if I don't' situation and can't figure a way out. I was hoping a couple drinks would oil the rusty wheels in my head and I could finally make up my mind, but the wheels just keep going around and around and around never stopping on an answer. Shit!" Sarah dropped a twenty on the bar and shoved everything back in her purse. "You okay to drive Mrs. Watts?" Enrique asked as he retrieved the cash. "I can call you a cab if you like." Sarah smiled her sweet smile in his direction shaking her head. "That won't be necessary Enrique. I only had two and since my husband asked you to cut my alcohol intake I'm perfectly okay to drive. Thanks anyway." Enrique sidled back over to the cash register embarrassed that she knew he was watering her drinks as her husband had asked. Sarah stood letting her dress slide back to her knees and headed for the ladies room. Once sitting in the stall getting rid of part of the martinis she drank she went over everything again. "Bill or Malcolm? Malcolm or Bill? Two of the most wonderful men in the entire world and no matter what I do I'm going to destroy one of them, big time! I just can't decide. I can't hurt either one but I've been spinning my wheels for a month now and getting no closer to making a choice. I've got to do something. "Bill. Darling Bill, the love of my life for the past 13 years. No woman could ask for a more loving husband - loyal, kind, adoring, great with our two kids, and always doting on everything I say or do. How could I do anything to hurt him? But Malcolm, dear sweet Malcolm, the first man I ever truly loved. I was stupid and let him get away. He broke my heart and I broke his. But ever since he's been back I've been walking on air. My heart hasn't stopped fluttering since we reunited five months ago. It's like we were never apart. We feel the same way now that we felt 18 years ago. I love him now just as much as I did way back then. Yeah, I love Malcolm, but I love Bill too. I love them both! "I know I'm treading on thin ice when I'm with Malcolm. If Bill found out he'd divorce me in a heartbeat. It would destroy Bill and I love him too much to ever do anything like that to him. But Malcolm would be there for me. He said he'd marry me in a New York minute if Bill wasn't in the picture. He would too. But I can't give him up either. I just can't tell Malcolm I can't be with him any more. It would destroy him just like it would Bill. And he'd probably tell Bill about us anyway. Shit, I can't do anything to hurt either man. I love them both equally, and I'd certainly die if I lost either one. God, what a mess!" Sarah stood in front of the mirror drying her hands and looking at the woman staring back at her. "Not bad looking for a middle-aged broad," she thought. "Wait, 37 isn't middle aged, is it?" She was no longer the tall thin blond beauty she was when she shared Malcolm's bed in college. She wasn't even as thin as she was when she stood next to Bill on their wedding day. Time and two kids take a toll. But her beauty wasn't merely physical, it was in the way she carried herself. Many a man would turn and look as she passed by. She was still lusted after and she delighted in the warm feelings those lusty looks gave her. And Bill always received the benefit of those randy thoughts. Even after two kids, a slightly spreading backside, and a little downward tilt upstairs, she was still the most beautiful woman in the neighborhood. Beautiful and in love with two men. Her eyes fell downward and she saw the reflection of her watch in the mirror. "Shit, it's almost nine o'clock. I've got to get home. I told Bill I was going to be a little late but that usually means seven or eight o'clock at the latest. Oh well, what nights do I get home on time anymore? Ever since Malcolm's been in my life again being with him after work for a couple hours is heaven. It's heaven when I get home to Bill. God, what kind of purgatory have I created?" Sarah rushed through the bar on her way to the parking lot, waving at Enrique as she passed. She didn't notice the eyes following her every move. As she started to open her car door she heard a woman's voice behind her. "Excuse me. Could you help me?" Sarah turned toward the voice. Before her mind could register the person standing there the world went crazy. Her head exploded with intense pain. Every muscle in her body contracted. She fell to the pavement in a heap and immediately started contorting in spasms. Every part of her body jerked and jumped bouncing off the two cars she fell between. Coherent thoughts were impossible. She just flopped around on the ground like a fish on dry land, slobbering down her cheeks and peeing herself. She didn't see the two people standing there watching. A Taser will do that to you. As the convulsions subsided somewhat one of the two witnesses pushed up the sleeve of Sarah's blouse and stuck something in her arm. Her mind was coming back down from the rocket flight it just took when she saw a needle disappear under her skin. She looked up to ask what was going on but before a single word came out her world went black. The two people calmly picked Sarah up and put her onto the backseat of the minivan parked next to her car and drove into the night. ******** "God he's gorgeous," Sarah said under her breath. She peered through her fingers as he read his book and sipped his coffee oblivious to the fact she was watching his every move. Sarah ignored what she was doing for a long time, long enough for her own coffee to get cold. She just couldn't take her eyes off of him, too enamored by the handsome man sitting at the table next to hers. As she watched his eyes left his book and seemed to peer right through Sara's own. He smiled, leaned back, and gave a little wave. Sarah blushed. She didn't know what to do. He was smiling at her and he just waved. Her heart sank. All energy drained out through her toes as she sat dumbfounded looking back at him. She started to raise her hand and wave back and saw his head turn slightly. He reached across the table taking the hand of the woman sitting down in the chair across from him, his eyes never leaving hers, his smile never diminishing. Sarah's heart sank, landing with a thud on the floor. She gathered her cold coffee and book and made a hasty retreat out the café door. She stood on the sidewalk hyperventilating. The most incredible man she'd ever seen wasn't smiling at her, he was smiling at the beautiful woman who came in and sat down across from him. "Stupid, stupid, stupid," Sarah thought. As quickly as her legs would take her she retreated back to her dorm slamming as she entered her room. "And what's your problem?" The woman on the other bed asked as Sarah plopped herself down on her own. "I saw him again Paige. He was in the campus café this time, just sitting there drinking his coffee and reading. Then some woman came over and sat down with him. He was all smiles and touchy feely with her. I just ran out of there as fast as my legs would take me." "God Sarah, why don't you just go over and talk to him? What's the worst that can happen?" "He could tell me to get lost for one thing. For another he could say he has a girlfriend. And another..." "Okay, I get the point," Paige interrupted. "You're afraid to say anything because he might blow you off. But, he might just ask you to join him too. Fifty-fifty chance if you ask me. I'd say go for it. Take the risk. Maybe you could end up in his bed instead of your own wondering what might have been. God girl, take a chance, live a little." Paige slammed her book closed and got up grabbing a jacket. "I'm going over to the library. You stay here and fantasize about mister gorgeous. I'll be back before dinner." The door slammed and Sarah turned over hugging her pillow. She took Paige's advice and thought about things that could be. Before long she found that her hand had snaked itself inside her sweatpants and her fingers were gently caressing the damp folds between her thighs. Her mind filled with images of mister gorgeous' naked body intertwined with her own, images of warm bodies and hot passion, images fueling her intoxication. Her fingers danced and probed, stroking the fire already burning in her mind, driving her imagination wild. Mister gorgeous pushed her on her back, spread her legs, and entered her with a single mighty stroke. The image of the two of them joined together, writhing around on her bed, pushed her over the brink. She shoved her face into her pillow and let out a scream as her orgasm hit. For the few glorious seconds her body was out of control exploding with delight, she touched the heart and soul of the most wonderful man she'd never met. A week later she got her wish. Same café, same table, different result. This time Sarah spoke. "Excuse me," Sarah said. "Would you mind if I sat here? It looks like all the seats are taken." Mister gorgeous looked up and smiled. "Of course not. Please." "Hi, I'm Sarah," she said extending her hand almost knocking his coffee off the table. "Malcolm. Malcolm Fitzgerald," he said with a distinctive English accent. "Nice to meet you Sarah. I've seen you in here before. Still reading Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment I see. Tough book." "No I finished it a while ago. I just carry it to look like I'm studying. Actually I'm just here to get my daily infusion of caffeine." "Have you tried the coffee over at Cuppa Joe's? Nice selection of just about everything." "No. I just come here because it's close to my dorm. I don't have a car and Cuppa Joe's is too far to walk." "I've got a car. Why don't I drive you over the next time you have a caffeine attack." Sarah's heart started thumping, her hands sweating, her mind racing. Mister gorgeous, Malcolm Fitzgerald had just asked her out. "I'd like that, how about tomorrow after lunch sometime?" "Sounds good, here's my number. Call me the next time the urge hits." They went for coffee every day. They talked and got to know one another and just before the Christmas break he asked her out on a 'real, official type date' as he put it. The date was wonderful; the weather was wonderful; even the walk around the campus lake afterwards was wonderful: Cold, but wonderful. Sarah found herself walking on cloud nine as she held his hand. Their first kiss in the darkest corner of the quad set her heart on fire. At home during the Christmas break, Sarah found herself thinking about Malcolm all the time, especially late at night when she had an opportunity to fantasize and work out her tensions by hand. By the time she arrived back on campus she had worked the area between her legs daily, making it tender and slightly raw. Malcolm confessed that he missed her too during the break. He didn't say if he did the same thing she did to relieve his tension but he did say something Sarah had felt from the first day she saw him. He said, "I love you." From that point on the floodgates were open and their emotions flowing. They made love for the first time during a raging blizzard in his off-campus apartment. While everyone else fretted about going to work or school or how to get milk and toilet paper from the local grocery store, they just stayed in bed and explored every square inch of each other's body. They tried every position in the Kama Sutra, found unusual uses for ordinary household utensils, and got cramped up licking and sucking every pore of their bodies clean. They talked about where they came from, they made love, they talked about their studies, they made love again, they talked about their hopes and desires, they made love again, and finally they ate. They couldn't leave the apartment for three days because of the weather but when they did they were no longer two people, Sarah and Malcolm, they were now one, although they did walk a bit bowlegged. Sarah finished her freshman year and Malcolm his sophomore. Every minute since the day in the coffee shop they were together, Sarah spending more time in Malcolm's apartment than her own dorm room, so much so that Paige moved her own boyfriend in to replace Sarah. A month before Malcolm's graduation there was an emergency at home and he had to leave abruptly. Sarah wanted to go with him but he insisted she stay and finish out the semester. He never returned. Over the phone he told her that he had to go back to England because his family was in deep trouble. He had to help bring the family business out of turmoil. He said he'd be gone a few months at most. When Sarah started her senior year Malcolm hadn't returned. The calls from England started getting less and less frequent: First every week, then every other, finally they stopped altogether just before Christmas. Sarah was frantic. She did everything she could think of to get in touch with Malcolm but couldn't. Now when she called his phone was out of order. Letters she wrote came back 'addressee unknown.' And even calls to his parents' home went unanswered. One weekend she borrowed a car and drove to Malcolm's parents' house only to find they no longer lived there. The new residents said they moved back to England just before Christmas, some sort of family emergency. They left no forwarding address. She had to concentrate on her studies to graduate in June so she just spent her evenings sitting by the telephone waiting for some word from Malcolm, and studying. The week before graduation she received a letter. It was from Malcolm. My dearest Sarah, I'm sorry I disappeared like I did but there's a lot of trouble in my family at the moment. My father's in jail, my mother's disappeared, and both of my sisters are running around like crazy women. I'm trying to hold the business together in everyone's absence but I feel it's all about to go under. If it does I'm going to be in trouble too. We owe a lot of money we can't pay back and I'm afraid of what's going to happen. Sarah, I can't come back to the United States for a while, maybe never. And you can't come here either. If you do you could be in harm's way. I can't watch out for you and do what I have to do here. I don't know what I'm going to do without you but I'm afraid I'm going to find out. See Sarah, a lot of what my family does in their business dealings is not strictly legal and some of my father's business associates are not very nice people. I don't want you to get hurt because of me. I think it would be best if we went our separate ways. Maybe sometime in the future we can find each other again and see if we can start up from where we left off. I hope so because I dearly love you. Sarah, please go on with your life without me. Live life, and if you can find it, love again. I have to let you go and you have to let me go too. Please don't call or write because it could cause problems for me, us actually. Just remember the good times we had and go on without me. I'll remember you with love and hope to see you again some day. For now, I have to say goodbye, and so do you. Please forgive me for hurting you. All my love, Malcolm Thankfully by the time Malcom's letter arrived all of Sarah's studies, exams, papers, and responsibilities were finished. Sarah was inconsolable. She cried almost constantly. When it was time for the graduation ceremony she walked through it like a zombie holding hands with Paige and moving when someone said to move. Packing up her dorm room was agonizing because everything reminded her of Malcolm. But Malcolm was gone, forever. She knew what she had to do but the hole in her heart was still immense. She had to live again in spite of how she felt. Somehow she moved back home. Somehow she found a job. Somehow she started living again. Somehow... ******** Sarah awoke for a moment and looked around. She was on the floor in the back of a moving car or van. She looked up to see out the window but everything was too dark to make out any details. Her eyes wouldn't focus anyway. Her body ached, she smelled bad, and everything she heard was at an octave too high. She was hypersensitive to everything. Blinking to clear the cobwebs allowed her to see a shadowy figure sitting in the front seat but she was unable to make out who or what was there. She tried to sit up but fell back onto the floor in a heap. She was too weak to do anything. Then the lights went out again. ******** "Paige thanks for the invitation but I don't feel up to going to your family reunion," Sarah said looking up from her desk. "I'm just going to go over some files from work, take a hot bath, and probably turn in early." "Girl that's all you do," Paige shot back. "Ever since college all you've done is work, eat, and sleep. Face it, he's gone and isn't coming back. What you've got to do is get out among the living again. Going to my family reunion isn't exactly one of the Delta house frat parties but the food is good and some of my cousins are right cute, and a couple of them are even single. At least you can help me fend off that old letch Uncle Carmine." "I thought you told me he wasn't your uncle?" Sarah asked scrunching up her nose. "He's not. He's just been part of the family like forever. But he's still a letch. He's always trying to corner me for a quick feel and if I had you there he wouldn't pay me any attention." "Well thanks for nothing. I get to be your Uncle Carmine decoy, with him all over me while you run around and have fun. No thanks." "It won't be like that Sarah. We can work together. We'll set up some signal that lets the other one know to come to the rescue. Then we can go into the kitchen and out the back door. Come on, It'll be fun, and you need to get out into the sun. You're looking pale and need a little color in your face. And you'll love my uncle's farm. I'll buy you a new dress." "Well maybe, but it depends on the dress. Come on, let's go shopping." Sarah and Paige arrived fashionably late. They had to stop by the mall for Sarah's dress. Sarah had settled on a light yellow, flower print sun dress that hugged all the right places and was short enough to turn heads, but not too short for Paige's ultra-conservative mother to go on the warpath. Right away Uncle Carmine came over and hugged Paige. She pulled on her right ear during the hug. "Come on Paige," Sarah said interrupting the grope. "We've got to take our dishes into the kitchen." "Yeah, I forgot. Good to see you Uncle Carmine. See you around." Both girls made a beeline for the other room. Once inside they started laughing. Paige peeked through the door to see where Uncle Carmine was. "He's gone. Come on." Paige and Sarah ran out the back door and found a couple lawn chairs in a secluded spot under a tree. "Here, I got these on the way out," Paige said handing Sarah a beer. The day was very relaxing and Sarah enjoyed getting away from the apartment for a change. Just as the sun was setting Sarah and Paige took a walk trying to avoid a certain uncle. They walked the path around horse paddock talking about anything and everything, not paying too much attention to where they were. In mid sentence Sarah disappeared from the path. Paige happened to be looking the other way when she vanished. Her Sophie's Choice "Sarah?" Paige said looking at the empty space beside her. "Oooowwww!" A moan that sounded like Sarah came from the tall brush. "Sarah? Where are you?" "Oooowwww, down here," she moaned again. Paige stepped off the path and parted the bushes. Sarah was lying in a heap holding her ankle. Mud covered her new sun dress. "I think I broke my ankle," Sarah moaned. "I stepped into a hole or something and fell down the hill. Help me!" "Wait right here, I'll go get someone." Paige turned to run back to the house and bumped into one of her cousins walking toward her. "What happened?" He asked. "She stepped in a hole and fell. She's hurt." He pushed the bushes aside and knelt next to Sarah examining her leg. "I can't tell if it's broken or not, there's not enough light. Put your arms around my neck and I'll carry you back to the house." "I'm all muddy," Sarah lamented. "A little dirt never hurt anyone, just do as I say and put your arms around my neck. Then try to keep your leg still when I pick you up." He cradled Sarah in his arms and Paige guided them back to the house. Paige's mother led them to one of the bedrooms and he carefully placed Sarah on the bed. Turning to Paige he said, "Can you get me some ice in a plastic bag and a towel and a wet washcloth?" Sitting on the bed next to Sarah he cradled her leg in his arms and gently removed her sandal. Paige handed him a washcloth and he wiped the mud from her foot and leg. "Now let's see what you did." His fingers touched Sarah's calf and ankle and foot as gently as a whisper. Sarah watched in anticipation of a bolt of pain shooting up her body but it never came. While he was concentrating on her foot Sarah mouthed the words to Paige, "Who is he?" "Oh God, I'm sorry," Paige interrupted. "Sarah this is Bill, Bill Watts. He's my second cousin, I think. Bill this is my friend Sarah. We were roommates at school and now she's living with me until she can afford a place of her own." "Well, I don't think anything's broken," Bill said still examining her foot. "It looks like what's called an inversion sprain. It's beginning to swell and bruise so for now I prescribe ice and elevation. But I'd still see your doctor and get an x-ray, just in case. Oh, it's nice to meet you Sarah." "Are you a doctor?" Sarah asked. "No," Bill laughed. "I'm the athletic trainer for the Toledo Mud Hens baseball team. Sports medicine is my expertise, that's why I recommend you follow up with your own doctor and get an x-ray. I don't think there's anything broken but as soon as it's swollen as big as it's going to get I'll wrap it. Just lie back and put your foot up on a pillow and keep the ice pack on it. Oh, and keep it elevated higher than your heart. I'll get an Ace bandage and be back in a minute." He placed her foot on the bed and helped her to adjust herself so she was lying with her head on one pillow and her now very black and blue foot on another. Then he left. "Cute huh?" Paige asked. "Uh, I was kind of busy there Paige. I didn't notice. He's your cousin?" "Yeah, my second cousin, I think. All I know is we have the same great-grandparents. Anyway, all the single women I know are always hitting on him and asking him out and stuff and he's polite and all, but just not interested in anyone. There's even been some speculation that he's gay. If he wasn't related I'd take a shot." "Maybe's he's just a nice guy," Sarah added. "And what business is it of ours if he is gay?" "Who's gay?" Bill said walking back in the room. Sarah and Paige both blushed. Bill just smiled as he wrapped a towel around Sarah's foot and draped a bag of ice over it. "Excuse me," Paige said. "I'll go get you something to drink." "Just water," Bill said. "I think she's had enough alcohol for one day." Paige left leaving an awkward silence in the room. Bill wrapped her ankle and put the ice pack back on. "I'm sorry," Sarah said quietly. "I didn't mean to offend you. Paige just..." "Yeah, I've heard it all before so don't worry about it. Just because I don't share a bed with every woman in town doesn't mean I'm gay. I like to think I'm selective, that's all. I just haven't found the right woman yet. To me love is more important than sex. When I'm in love with someone the sex will happen." "So I take it you're not in love at the moment." "That's right." "And have you been?" There was a long pause before he answered. "Well, there was this one girl. Her name was Abigail. I was so in love with her. I thought she was the one. I even asked her to marry me but she said 'no.' I was heartbroken. Our affair lasted the entire summer. Then I went into the fourth grade and met Barbara. Oh, I was so in love with her. I thought..." "You jerk," Sarah said swatting him across the arm. "I didn't mean elementary school crushes. You know what I mean." "I know. Since college there hasn't been anyone serious. All the women I've met are either too intense or too scatterbrained. I'm still looking." The conversation came to an end with both thinking the same thing but each too shy to ask. Paige came back and Bill left saying he'd check in on her a little later. After the reunion, and all the while her ankle healed, Sarah thought about Bill. For some reason she couldn't get him out of her mind. Finally one day she asked Paige for his phone number. "Hi Bill, this is Sarah. You remember? I'm the one you rescued from the mud at the reunion, the one with the sprained ankle. Well I was just wondering if you would like to go out sometime. Maybe we could have dinner and go to a movie or something." And that's how it started. Their first date was all talking and getting to know one another. They continued to date over the next couple months and became good friends. Their friendship developed into something they had trouble describing until Paige one day announced, "You're in love dufus!" And she was right. Sarah hadn't felt anything for another man since Malcolm left. For the first time she thought there was hope. Maybe she could find someone to take Malcom's place. It took months of late night conversations, mostly arguments in her own head, before she was finally convinced that Bill was her future. All the signs were there, but she still held onto memories of Malcolm and hopes of him coming back, and refused to see the truth. When she finally opened her eyes she saw the most beautiful man in the world looking back at her waiting for her to see him. Sarah was in love with Bill and Bill was in love with Sarah. Once they opened their hearts it was only a matter of time before they consummated their love. They were in no rush but when they finally got together their connection reached another level. Feelings became deeper and stronger. The sex was wonderful and everything Bill enjoyed Sarah did too. They pleasured each other's bodies and explored things they never tried before. Everything they did was gentle and loving, tender and soft. When they were together it was almost as though they had merged into a single soul. They had become one. On one memorable three day weekend in a rustic log cabin in the mountains they plumbed the depths of their love for one another. The minute they walked in the door they stripped each other naked and never put clothes on for the rest of the time there. They christened every room, every flat surface, and every soft cushion in the place making love over and over and over. For that weekend they didn't need anything besides each other. Nothing else existed outside that little log cabin. The only time they stopped making love was to get enough nourishment to replenish their energy supply for more lovemaking. On the last night before they were set to go home Bill placed a little box on Sarah's pillow and said, "Sarah, will you marry me?" Immediately she jumped on top of him and screamed "YES, YES, YES" at the top of her lungs. She put the ring on her finger and proceeded to attack him with a renewed vigor and sense of purpose. Sarah Longo was going to become Sarah Watts. They were the two happiest people on the planet. Six months later they were married. Two years later their son Jeff was born; a year later their daughter Jessica. Sarah and Bill settled down to a life filled with love and children, friends and family, and Sarah learned everything about baseball. For 13 years life was perfect: Bill, Sarah, Jeff, Jessica, and the occasional pet. Then Malcolm showed up and Sarah's life turned upside down. Sarah fell in love with Malcolm all over again. Their physical affair started a month after their first meeting. For five months they snuck off to spend time together, sometimes at his place other times at motels. It was like being on a perpetual honeymoon, the sex was so amazing. And it was as though the years since college never happened. At times they made love tenderly and gently and other times they fucked each other senseless, often until they couldn't stand. Sarah did things with her lover that she never did with her husband, not for any more of a reason than her husband never asked. And the more they were together the more they didn't want to be apart. But Sarah knew she was leading two lives and had to keep them separate or risk losing both. She was in the middle of two men she loved dearly and couldn't live without. For Sarah every waking moment was both heaven and hell. She was in heaven because she loved two of the most beautiful men in the world and shared their beds and their bodies, sometimes both in the same day. She was in hell because at any moment her house of cards could crumble around her. She could lose everything. She had to make up her mind. She had to choose. Bill or Malcom? Malcom or Bill? But she just couldn't do it. ******** The first thing Sarah's mind registered was the light. Even through closed eyes she could see its brightness and feel its heat on her skin. It forced her mind from the dark place it was hiding into a roomful of bright, harsh light. Opening her eyes was a problem. She had to move her hand to cover her eyes and let them gradually become accustom to being open. Through the tiny slits she could make out nothing more than the source of the light. Right in front of her face, possibly only ten feet away, stood a large spotlight on a pole aimed directly at her. Everything else was black. The light was so bright seeing anything else was impossible. She looked down at her body and saw she was lying on a couch: A dark leather couch. Keeping her hand in front of her eyes she slowly lowered her feet to the floor and sat up. She shook her head. It still hurt from whatever hit her at... at... "Where am I?" She thought to herself. "How did I get here? Where is here? I was at Chubby's when..." "Hello?" Sarah said out loud, her words echoing off of what... walls? "Hello?" She said again. She tried to stand but her legs wouldn't hold her weight. Whatever happened to her left her as weak as a newborn puppy. "Hello?" She said, this time louder as she stood. "SIT DOWN!" The booming voice said echoing throughout the room. It was a deep mechanical voice, ominous and foreboding. Sarah immediately sat down. "AND SHUT UP UNTIL I TELL YOU TO SAY SOMETHING!" The room rang like a bell from the booming words. Then silence. Long dark silence. Sarah sat getting accustomed to the glaring light looking around to see what she could see. She was sitting on an old leather couch. It was torn and beat up with some of the stuffing and springs showing through. She looked down at herself. Her blouse had a yellow stain on the front, from what she didn't know, and her shoes were missing. A long tear on one side of her skirt let a lot of one leg show through. Looking at her hands she saw one of her nicely manicured nails was broken. "I've got to stop by Darlene's tonight and get that fixed." Her wedding ring set was gone. When she saw that she started to panic. "I TOOK YOUR RINGS," the voice boomed. "DO AS YOU'RE TOLD AND YOU MAY GET THEM BACK." Sarah's sense of panic was getting stronger and stronger threatening to burst the dam holding her emotions inside and spill out all over the couch. She started to shake. It was cold and she was scared. Mostly scared. Everything was silent, silent for a long time. Sarah sat cowering on the couch, her hands in her lap and her eyes looking at the white spot on her left hand where her rings used to be. The time allowed her body to recuperate from the drugs used to keep her asleep, time enough for her body to obey commands again. But she didn't dare move. She felt able to run but didn't know where she was and even if she did run where would she go? And besides the voice commanded that she sit still and say nothing and she wasn't brave enough to disobey. "SARAH." Her name echoed taking seconds to stop reverberating. She looked around and only saw black, the light in her face making it impossible to see anything. "SARAH. YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE PROBLEMS YOU'VE CREATED. I KNOW EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE. I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING. I HAVE VIDEO PROOF TOO. YOU HAVE BEEN PLAYING GAMES WITH TWO MEN, JUMPING FROM ONE BED TO ANOTHER, LYING AND CHEATING YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE. YOUR HUSBAND BILL IS A GOOD MAN AND NEVER DID ANYTHING TO HURT YOU, BUT YOU CONTINUE TO CHEAT ON HIM, LIE TO HIM, AND HUMILIATE HIM IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY. MALCOLM IS NOT LIKE YOUR HUSBAND. HE IS NOT A GOOD MAN. ANY MAN THAT ENCOURAGES A MARRIED WOMAN TO ABANDON HER MARRIAGE VOWS SHOULD SUFFER THE SAME PUNISHMENT AS THE WOMAN. BUT HE SEEMS TO FILL A NEED IN YOU THAT MAKES BEING WITH HIM IRRESISTIBLE. I CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW YOU CAN PROFESS TO BEING IN LOVE WITH TWO SUCH DIFFERENT MEN AT THE SAME TIME. "SARAH, I KNOW THE CHOICE YOU'VE BEEN TRYING TO MAKE FOR THE LAST FEW WEEKS, A CHOICE BETWEEN TWO MEN: EITHER STAY WITH YOUR HUSBAND AND GIVE UP MALCOLM OR DIVORCE BILL AND GO WITH THE FIRST LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. I'VE WATCHED YOU AGONIZE OVER WHAT TO DO AND BECOME TOTALLY PARALYZED WHEN IT COMES TO MAKING A DECISION. WELL SARAH, THAT'S WHERE I COME IN. "FRANKLY, YOU DISGUST ME! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE AMONG CIVILIZED PEOPLE. YOU SHOULD BE STERILIZED SO YOU DON'T CONTAINATE ANYBODY ELSE. IF IT WERE UP TO ME YOU WOULD NEVER LEAVE THIS FACILITY. HOWEVER, KINDER AND GENTLER SOULS HAVE DECIDED YOUR FATE. AFTER TODAY YOU MAY NOT THINK THEIR MERCY WAS SO KIND, BUT I DON'T REALLY CARE WHAT YOU THINK OR WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU AFTER YOU LEAVE HERE, ASSUMING YOU DO LEAVE. SO SARAH, HERE'S WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN. YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE YOUR CHOICE, THE CHOICE YOU'VE BEEN INCAPABLE OF MAKING; THE CHOICE BETWEEN TWO MEN, BILL OR MALCOLM. YOU WILL DECIDE YOUR FUTURE AND THE FUTURE OF TWO MEN. AND SARAH, YOU WILL MAKE THAT CHOICE." The glaring light in Sarah's face faded away and lights in the ceiling came on. For the first time Sarah could see her surroundings. She was in a small room with metal walls. It looked like a container they use for shipping freight on boats or the trailer of an 18-wheel truck. The light in her face was on a tripod a few feet away and there was nothing else at that end of the room. Above her in the ceiling were a number of video cameras trained on her. She turned to look behind her and saw what looked like two cots and a table at the other end. "SARAH, YOU NOW SEE THE INSTRUMENT OF YOUR CHOICE. GO AHEAD. GO OVER AND SEE WHAT AWAITS YOU." Sarah stood testing her legs to be sure they would hold her weight. Moving slowly she walked around the beat up couch and toward the two cots. When she got within a few feet her knees failed her and she dropped to the floor sitting on her legs. Her hand was over her mouth and she wore an expression of horror. "THAT'S RIGHT SARAH. I'VE BROUGHT YOU THE TWO MEN YOU SAID YOU LOVE MORE THAN, HOW DID YOU PUT IT, OH YEAH, MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF. BRAVE WORDS SARAH, BUT YOU AREN'T HERE TO SPOUT BRAVE WORDS; YOU'RE HERE TO MAKE A CHOICE, THE CHOICE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO MAKE UP TO NOW. YOU SEE SARAH; TODAY YOU HAVE THE POWER OF LIFE AND DEATH IN YOUR HANDS. STAND UP AND LOOK AT THE TWO MEN IN YOUR LIFE." Sarah couldn't move. She just sat on the floor reeling in horror looking at Bill and Malcolm lying on the cots in front of her. "STAND UP SARAH!" The voice boomed shaking the metal walls. Sarah gingerly stood and took a step forward. She could see both men clearly. They appeared to be asleep and breathing normally. "LOOK AT THEM SARAH. THEY'RE ASLEEP WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF THE SAME DRUG I USED TO BRING YOU HERE, ALTHOUGH THERE IS ONE BIG DIFFERENCE. I'VE INJECTED BOTH MEN WITH ANOTHER DRUG, A POISON ACTUALLY. THE POISON WILL DO ITS THING AND WILL KILL EACH MAN IN A LITTLE OVER 15 MINUTES. YOU'LL NOTICE THE CLOCK ON THE TABLE COUNTING DOWN TO ZERO. WHEN IT HITS ZERO THEY WON'T BE DEAD YET BUT IT WILL BE TOO LATE TO DO ANYTHING. BUT SARAH HERE'S WHERE YOUR CHOICE COMES IN. DO YOU SEE THAT WHITE BOX ON THE WALL AT THE END OF THE ROOM? IT CONTAINS THE ANTIDOTE FOR THE POISON COURSING THROUGH THEIR VEINS. THE PROBLEM IS THERE IS ONLY ENOUGH ANTIDOTE FOR ONE MAN. YOU WILL GO TO THE BOX AND TAKE THE HYPODERMIC NEEDLE THERE AND INJECT IT INTO ONE MAN. THAT'S YOUR CHOICE SARAH, WHICH MAN? THE ANTIDOTE WILL SAVE THE MAN YOU INJECT IT INTO, THE OTHER MAN WILL DIE. IF YOU DO NOTHING BOTH MEN WILL DIE! AND DON'T THINK YOU CAN INJECT HALF INTO ONE AND THE REST INTO THE OTHER. IT WILL TAKE A FULL DOSE TO SAVE ONE, HALF WON'T WORK. LOOK AT THE CLOCK SARAH. YOU'RE TIME, AND THEIR TIME IS GETTING SHORT. OH, AND DON'T THINK OF TRYING TO ESCAPE. BY THE TIME YOU GET OUT OF THIS ROOM AND GET HELP BOTH MEN WILL BE LONG GONE. YOU ARE HOURS AWAY FROM HELP. "SARAH, MY JOB IS DONE HERE. I'M GOING TO LEAVE YOU TO YOUR DECISION AND TO YOUR FATE. OH, AND SARAH, EVERYTHING YOU DO IS BEING VIDEO RECORDED. WHEN YOU GET OUT, ASSUMING YOU DO, YOU WILL FIND A LAPTOP WITH THE VIDEO ON IT JUST OUTSIDE. YOU MIGHT NEED IT WHEN THE AUTHORITIES QUESTION YOU IN THE DEATH OF THE MAN YOU LOVED. GOODBYE SARAH." Sarah stood there frozen, her mind a jumble of misfiring neurons. She heard every word the voice said but couldn't find the rational thought that said what to do. She looked from Bill to Malcolm and then to the clock. She had 11 minutes. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Sarah screamed, the echo of her scream in the metal room deafening. She fell on her knees between the two men sobbing. Looking up at the sleeping men brought her back to her situation. She reached out to touch Malcolm's shoulder and then turned to touch Bill's. She couldn't think. All she could do was feel the warmth of each man. They were alive, warm and alive, and soon one would be cold and dead. But which? Sarah looked at the clock. 10 minutes. She put her head down on Malcolm's cot and sobbed, tears falling to the floor. "I can't do this," she sobbed. "Oh God help me. Please. I can't do this." Her pleas fell on deaf ears. "HELP ME!!" She screamed all alone. No answer. Only the echo of her voice in the metal room kept her company. 9 minutes. Forcing her body from the floor Sarah stood and looked at the clock, its digital face laughing at her as each second ticked by. Thirty-one seconds, thirty, twenty-nine, twenty-eight, twenty-seven... She turned to Bill and grabbed his shirt and started shaking him. "WAKE UP!" She screamed nose to nose with the unconscious man. "WAKE UP DAMN IT! I NEED YOU! PLEASE? BILL WAKE UP! PLEASE!" Her screams went unanswered. His head lolled back and forth as she pulled on him and screamed at him but still he remained unconscious. Sarah fell onto his chest and sobbed again. Tears soaked his shirt, the shirt she gave him for Father's Day. Her mind drifted to that day and the wonderful time they had with the kids at the petting zoo. A goat bit Bill in the backside that day and she never let him live it down. 'Nanny goat butt' she called him. She loved every time he blushed about it. She loved everything he did, everything about him radiated love. Her Sophie's Choice Out of the corner of her eye she saw the clock. 8 minutes. "GODDAMN YOU BILL. WHY DON'T YOU WAKE UP AND TELL ME WHAT TO DO? GODDAMN YOU TO HELL!" Sarah's lament fell on deaf ears. She stood and looked down at the two men knowing that she had to do something. But what? No matter what she did she would be forever haunted, knowing that her actions caused one man to die. But on the other hand one man would live. The man who lived would be alive to love her and take care of her for the rest of their lives. She wouldn't be alone with her decision. The man she loved would be beside her forever. At least that's what she hoped. But which one? The first man she ever loved or the last man. 7 minutes. The clock seemed to be mocking her. Sarah knew she had to do something. Doing nothing was condemning both men to death. She had to choose. She had to make that Sophie's Choice type of decision. Decide which one lives and which one dies. The image from the movie flashed in her mind. She saw the German doctor pull Sophie's daughter out of her arms to her certain death as Sophie held tightly onto her son. She saw the agony on Sophie's face as she fell to the ground wailing. She saw the awful gulf in her heart as she had to decide which of her children lived and which died. The movie and the book both had a major impact on Sarah when she was in college, so much so that she couldn't sleep for days afterwards, constantly praying that she would never be in the same situation. But now she was. As she stood looking at the two men, two men she loved more than life itself, two men she couldn't give up, but two men that depended upon her for life, she felt the awful pain in Sophie's soul as she made her choice. 6 minutes. Sarah looked down at Malcolm. His beautiful face beamed up at her reminding her of all the times she kissed his wonderful lips. Memories of his broad strong chest, his enormous arms, and his wonderful strong legs filled her. She could see his naked body in her mind as clearly as if it were lying beneath her. The passion they felt as they made love swelled inside her heart. The warmth as they held each other and talked filled her. The love that followed them into every room they were in. She loved how he made her feel. But it all felt like a dying ember. Her choice would either rekindle the flame or watch it die out. Their love was strong and deep. She loved the man with the massive chest more than life itself. How could she let him go? 5 minutes. Panic started to swell in Sarah's heart. She had five minutes. Five minutes to decide which man was going to live and which was going to die. Five minutes to decide. Sarah screamed. "NO! I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T DECIDE. I NEED MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES. I CAN'T DECIDE WHICH ONE TO SAVE." She had five minutes to do whatever was necessary to counteract the poison that the voice told her about. She had five minutes to do something. But still she hadn't made her choice. She still hadn't decided what to do. Bill dies and Malcolm lives or Malcolm dies and Bill lives. Whatever she decided would certainly destroy her. She walked to the white box at the end of the room and opened it. Inside was a large hypodermic needle with a piece of paper underneath. She took them out and read the paper. "Push the needle all the way into the upper arm and slowly depress the plunger. It will take a while for them to wake up." Standing there looking at the needle was frightening. She held life in her hands for one of the men she loved. Dropping the instruction sheet on the floor she took the needle back to the two unconscious men. Looking down at the clock made her heart jump. 4 minutes. The tears started again. Sarah fell to her knees and sobbed into her hands. "GOD, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? IT WASN'T MY FAULT. I CAN'T HELP IT IF I LOVE THEM BOTH. THEY BOTH GIVE ME LIFE. I CAN'T GIVE ONE UP. GOD, PLEASE HELP ME." Her head fell to her chest and she became silent. Still the tears flowed. 3 minutes. "Amen." Her silent prayer finished she stood and looked down at her lovers. She cradled the needle in her hands and took a deep breath. She made her choice. One man will live and the other will die. 2 minutes. Turning to one man Sarah bent over and kissed his lips. "Goodbye my love." Then turning to the other man she looked down and smiled. After removing the plastic cap covering the needle she bent down and shoved it hard into his upper arm. Then slowly she depressed the plunger until all the liquid inside was gone. She threw the spent syringe across the room and fell to her knees sobbing over the love that will live. 1 minute. Sarah wept. The choice had been made, the deed done. "God forgive me," she said through her tears. ******** 23 years later. Sarah walked up the hill from her car passing gravestones of people she didn't know, strangers she never met. The walk gave her time to change her mind and go home, but she didn't, she kept walking until she came to the place she was all too familiar with. She sat on the reflection bench under the tree across from the gravestone she came to visit and folded her hands in her lap. After saying a silent prayer she leaned against the granite back and looked up at the sky. The tears started again. They always did when she visited his grave. And the pain, the ever present pain in her heart blazed to life again. And the memories of what she did flowed. It was Sarah's birthday, she just turned 60. In her adult life she's lived three lives, as far as she can figure. The first was as a married working mother with two kids and a loving husband. That lasted 13 years. The second was in a hospital trying to find reality again. That one lasted 9. The third was as the old crazy woman down the street, as the neighborhood kids called her, alone with her garden and her cats. So far it's been 14 years. 14 years of loneliness and pain and 9 years of drug induced stupor. Every year on her birthday she traveled to the town where she lived her first life to visit the grave of the man she once loved. She'd asked for forgiveness on every visit and each time she left unfulfilled. Sarah looked at the gravestone for the thousandth time. Malcolm Edward Fitzgerald Forever In Our Hearts 1971 - 2011 Today as she sat under the tree ruminating about the past a stranger approached. A severe looking woman in a business suit and high heels walked up the hill. "Excuse me," she said politely. "Are you Sarah Longo?" Sarah turned to look at the woman and pulled her sweater around her shoulders tighter as though it would offer her some protection. "Yes, I'm Sarah." The woman held out a large manila envelope and said, "I've been asked to deliver this to you on your birthday. Happy Birthday Sarah," she said with a smile. Sarah took the envelope and watched as the overdressed woman walked back down the hill. She hesitantly opened it and pulled out two typewritten pages. It was a letter from Bill. She read. Sarah, If you're reading this letter that means I'm dead. I really don't mind dying I just wish it wasn't so soon. There are a lot of things I still wanted to do. But I've lived a good full life, except for a few potholes here and there. I've seen my three wonderful children grow to maturity and have families of their own. I've traveled and got to know a lot of extraordinary people. I've loved and made love. Our son took over my practice a few years ago and Terri and I retired to a ranch in New Mexico. We've been raising llamas ever since. You never met Terri. I think you would have liked her. We married five years after our divorce. In a lot of ways she reminds me of you, except that she's always been faithful. She healed my pain and made life worth living again. She's a wonderful mother to our three children -- Jeff and Jessica and her daughter Amy from a previous relationship. I've loved her since the day we met. She knows everything about you and me and what we did and has encouraged me to tell you the truth about what happened. I've always hesitated to see you again because I didn't know how I would feel but with my demise close at hand I figured I'd take the coward's way out and write you this little note. The reason I'm writing this letter it to finally close the door on our lives and to tell you some things that you never knew about the day you made your choice. The biggest unanswered question about what happened to us has always been who did this? Who drugged me and you and your lover and forced you into choosing between us? Nobody could figure it out. The police were baffled too. Sarah, the answer is simple, I did. That's right, I set everything up and paid someone to make it all happen. The purpose was to see if you would choose me. At the time I thought I was strong enough to forgive you for your cheating ways but afterwards found out I wasn't. I almost stopped the whole charade a couple times but I couldn't, I had to know. Would you choose me or your lover? I got my answer. You chose me to live and him to die. But after it was all over I couldn't come to grips with everything you did. The night you told me you loved him as much as you loved me you drove a stake through my heart. That's why I divorced you. I loved you but you loved someone else. I couldn't handle that so I walked away. I took the kids and moved away leaving you free to go back to him. The fact that the whole thing was a ruse was my way of forcing you to decide without actually doing anybody any harm. The poison never existed, we were just knocked out. You actually injected saline into my arm, that's all. I've replayed the video a number of times to watch your face when we both woke up. Your expression of surprise was amazing. And watching your lover try to come to terms with your decision to let him die was equally amazing. All the while I played the part of the distraught husband and watched you two crumble before my eyes. Let me tell you I didn't enjoy seeing your pain, but I knew it would give us a chance afterwards. I was wrong about that. The live or die dilemma you were compelled to endure forced you to do what you couldn't do, choose. And even though I benefited from it, we were never the same. Our month together afterwards was absolute hell for me. Just knowing that your lover was still walking around out there reminded me every day that I was just number two in your life. It didn't matter how many times you told me that you had ended it with him, I knew he was still in your heart. I left you knowing you would be happier with him than with me. I died the day I left. How was I to know that one of his father's business associates would find him and blow his head off? I heard that you had been living with him for only a few days when it happened and that you witnessed everything. It must have been horrible for you. I swear I didn't have anything to do with it. I only heard about it after the divorce was final. By then you were already institutionalized. Yes I know all about your time in the mental hospital. Your mother and I talked every so often up until she died. I even helped her pay some of your bills, your mother guilted me into believing that your breakdown was partly my fault. She was always good at playing the guilt card. The kids didn't know what happened between us until I told them when they got out of college. I understand they've been visiting you off and on. That's good. So Sarah, in the end you lost everything; the two men you loved, your family, and your sanity. Not quite the life you imagined was it? And me, I met a wonderful woman who helped resurrect me from the nightmare you created, only to now watch me die for real. I'm not asking for your forgiveness for what I did. You made your choice to be with him while still married to me and in my way of thinking you caused everything that changed all of our lives so drastically. But what I could never figure out is why you chose to save me and let him die. I never understood the reasoning behind your choice and now I never will. By telling you all this I feel I have finally closed my door to our lives together. I hope telling you what I did gives you some closure too. Bill Sarah's eyes rose from the letter to once again look upon Malcolm's grave. A glint of light off of a headstone just past Malcolm's caught her attention and as her eyes focused on it she saw the epitaph carved deep in the granite. 'You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequences of your choice.'