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Finding a Full Circle

By: Jidoka



I had spent a lot of time trying to relax. I had a myriad of emotions flowing through my body. Anger, regret, pain, jealousy, and sadness to name a few. But there was love, too. 

I had loved Ann Marie Santos for nearly my whole life. I had loved her since I knew what love was. In middle school we were best friends. In high school we were boyfriend and girlfriend. In college we were lovers and when we graduated we were married.

I had known that I wanted to marry Ann Marie from our very first kiss. My mom and dad tried to get me to date other girls. They were very concerned that Ann Marie and I were too close at such a young age. I could see their point. But it didn't matter to me. I never felt like I had to hold back on or give up anything to be with Ann Marie. I suppose if I had we may have just drifted apart.

I had chosen the college I wanted to attend based solely on academics, it just happened to have the best options for Ann Marie as well. We had a lot of friends and interests that didn't involve each other. We spent plenty of time apart. But the best times were when we together. She was my very best friend and I married her.

Ann Marie was my exact opposite in many ways. She was outgoing, I was reserved. She was short, 5' 5" on her best day. I was tall, 6' 4" when my growth spurt stopped. She was emotional, I was calm. She had a large family, I was an only child. She was an athlete, and although I was always trim and in good shape, my interests were more academic. She was devoutly catholic. I believed in God, but I was skeptical of religion. I was reasonably good looking. She was very, very cute. I was no movie star and she was no model, but we were a good match.

I can't say exactly what caused our mutual attraction, only that it was real. When we were kids, she would gently tease me and I would pretend to know how a gentleman should act. I watched her games and she came to my debates. I was always so proud of her, no matter what activity she was in, and her smile always let me know she felt the same. We never made plans but would always find ourselves together. I never made her choose me over anything, and she never asked me to change a single personality trait, but we always ended up putting each other first.

And we could talk to each other. About anything. Dreams, fears, desires. We always shared everything. That is why it had been so shocking. That is why it had hurt so much. I wasn't sure that I believed in soul mates, but if I had, she would have been mine.

We were passionate and caring and considerate. It was far more than lust. When I asked her father for permission to marry his youngest daughter he treated me to a first class interrogation. He questioned everything about our relationship. I admit I panicked at first. I was bumbling through my answers, but then I saw Ann Marie, watching us talk on the porch, though the window. I knew at that moment I needed to answer honestly and forcefully. If I wanted her hand I was going to have to earn it.

I explained to him that even though she had touched my heart and aroused my passion, that I had decided to love her. I had made that choice. I convinced him I knew what that meant. Certainly for better, even for worse. No matter what. Whatever worse was.

Three short years later, worse had arrived and I had decided. I still loved her and I wanted her to be happy. Even if I wasn't. That is why I was sitting all alone, trying to keep my emotions in check.

She knew me well enough to know what my response would be. I am sure that she had considered that. Even mid-emotional frenzy she always knew how I would respond. This would be no different. In the past my predictability had been a source of strength for her. Now it would set her free. But how I treated her was entirely up to me.

She was late getting home from work. Again. Unfortunately, that had become the norm in our house during the past four months. It was that and her change in attitude that gave me my first clue. That she never smiled when she saw me hurt a lot, far more than finding out the details. It is devastating to see, with your own eyes, that the only one you love doesn't love you anymore.

She walked into the dining room quietly. I was lost in my own head but I still noticed her arrival.

"Hi, Annie."

"Hello, Gavin. Are you OK?"

"No, not really. Please, sit down for a minute, so I can tell you why."

I had rehearsed my speech and hoped I wouldn't have to deviate too far from my script. I wasn't sure I would make good decisions if forced and I wanted to do this right. I wanted to be brave and dignified in the face of the hardest challenge I would ever face...letting Ann Marie go.

"Annie, I love you with all my heart. I always have and I am certain I always will. I do not want to argue with you. I do not want to yell at you. I do not want to call you names or toss accusations at you. I want us to sit here and decide, together, what we need to do. OK?"

"Of course, Gavin. What are you talking about?"

Her eyes betrayed her attempt to hide her concern, however slight it may have been.

"Annie, the thing I want most in my life is for you to be happy. I don't know why. It has been the foremost thought in my mind from our very first kiss. Even though it hurts me to say, in ways you can't possibly imagine, I know you are not happy with me."

There were unshed tears in her eyes. It was oddly comforting to know that throwing me away made her at least a little bit sad.

"I am really not interested in going over any of the details. I am afraid knowing too much will only cause me pain and will keep me from being able to move on. I don't want you to think I am a coward, but if we could just agree that I do know, for certain, that you are not happy with me I would appreciate it very much. You do know what I am talking about right, Annie?"

She barely whispered her response, "Yes, Gavin. I know what you are talking about."

"Thank you, Annie. You not denying it does help me to believe that I am making the right choice. Annie, I want a divorce."

***

Miguel Santos had an internal strength that I had always admired. He and his wife, Maria, had raised four sons and four daughters in a small three bedroom house in a less than an ideal neighborhood. His 5' 9" frame was home to a physique born in the streets and hardened by manual labor, with the tattoos and scars to match. I am sure, pound for pound, he was one of the strongest men that I had ever met. That was impressive, too. But it was the loyalty and devotion with which he treated his wife and had raised his family that earned my respect. Because of that, I felt I owed him an explanation and a heads up regarding my decision.

We had been sitting on his back porch chatting over a few beers, when he finally forced me to tell my tale.

"Miho, are you going to tell me what you came here to say?"

"Yes, I would like to, but it is more difficult than I thought."

My simple hope was that he would stay calm long enough for me to tell the whole story.

"Sir, I have loved no one other than your daughter since I first saw her. I promised you, on this very porch, that I would always put her needs above my own. I have come here today to tell you that I believe that is exactly what I am doing.....even though I am leaving Ann Marie."

The aftermath went about as well as I could have expected. He was angry with me. There were some choice phrases for sure, in two languages. He wanted an explanation. I could not give him one.

"Sir, I can only say that I love your daughter and that some things will remain private between her and me, unless she feels it necessary to discuss them with you. It is heartbreaking to have to sit in front of you and admit that I have failed in my marriage with your daughter. But I believe this is for the best. I only ask that you respect that I came to tell you face to face, because I believe you deserved to hear it from me."

After a while, he had calmed down enough to let me go through some of the details. When I left he was confused and upset, but he let me leave without more harsh words.

***

Ann Marie never cried. She was on the edge of tears for a few minutes, but they never came. She didn't argue with me and she never took a shot at my manhood. I was glad for that. But silently, I hoped that she would beg me to stop and reconsider. She never did. I felt better knowing my decision to walk away without a fight was the right one.

The only time she flinched was when I mentioned my discussion with her father.

"I spoke with your father this afternoon. I explained to him what I am about to explain to you. I simply hope that, out of respect for our time together, that we can part ways without a long drawn out process. I do not want to have to deal with the possibility of financial ruin along with all the rest. I plan on leaving as soon as our divorce is concluded. I have had the papers prepared; there are several options for dividing our limited assets. Most important among them is your decision about our home. Please look them over with whomever you wish and let me know by the end of next week."

"OK, Gavin. I'll look them over."

***

I can hear the groaning now. Why didn't I go all special forces on my wife and her lover using my super secret ninja and spy skills. Number one, I didn't have any of those skills. The last time I had been in a fight was my sophomore year in high school, when a senior tried, unsuccessfully, to get a little fresh with Ann Marie. I was enraged when I found her crying in the school parking lot. It was pure luck that I didn't catch up with the kid on school grounds. I would have been expelled for sure. My father grounded me for a month. 

I thought I was also lucky when his parents decided not to press charges against me. I found out years later that I had Miguel Santos to thank for that. He convinced the boy's father that letting the matter drop was the best choice for everyone involved. No one would benefit from me being charged with assault and battery or his son being charged with sexual assault. 

The second factor that led to my decision was my own mental health. I had been a wreck for weeks. I was having trouble sleeping and I was one more mistake away from getting fired at work. And, most importantly, I had no one to turn to. My mother died of breast cancer my senior year of college, just before graduation. My father turned to the bottle to cope with his grief and had never been the same. He had moved to Florida six months after her death and I hadn't heard from him in almost four years.

I would need a fresh start, quickly, and I needed to get away from my hometown. To do that, I needed money. What little I had was Ann Marie's, too. So I needed her to cooperate with my decision, get divorced and start over. I was only 25 years old and I had a plan. If my luck turned around at all I might just survive with my sanity intact.

Revenge was the furthest thing from my mind.

***

Two weeks after my conversation with Ann Marie, we were sitting in our lawyer's office. Ann Marie had decided to give up the house so it was going on the market. We would split the checking and savings accounts, my meager retirement account would be mine. She would keep our newer car and the payments that went with it. I would keep my 10 year old truck. And that was it. Signed, sealed and delivered with the exception of the 90 day waiting period.

The next thing I did was the only action I regretted during my divorce. I lied to Ann Marie.

"Where are you going to stay, Gavin?"

"I leased a small apartment near the office. I will be there until I can figure what to do next."

"OK, well I guess we will see each other when the house sells...at the closing at least....right?"

"Absolutely. See you soon, Annie."

Our attorney had my power of attorney for the closing. My truck was fueled and packed with my clothes and laptop. My wedding ring was on the kitchen counter of what was once our home, on top of my last message to Ann Marie. The note read, 'Goodbye, I'll always love you. Be happy.'.

I stopped to say goodbye to Miguel Santos on my way out of town. For years he had meant much more to me than an above average father.

"Mijo, you and Ann Marie should be together. Anyone can see that. Neither of you will speak about what has happened. Can there be no forgiveness? Do you remember your vows before God and your family? This is all too much and too fast, yes, too soon."

"Sir, I have found it in my heart to forgive. I love your daughter and I want nothing but the best for her. Now, I need to find peace."

Maria Santos hugged me at the door in a manner that indicated that she understood more than she was letting on. When she finally let go she placed her hand on my cheek, closed her eyes, and stood silently for a moment. When she opened them again she spoke in a voice that only I could hear.

"God bless you, mijo. I will miss you."

I had to leave before I broke down.

***

When your spouse is clearly upset with you, it helps to know the reason why. Me, I had no idea. There were the petty things that popped up from time to time: put the toilet seat down, pick up your own socks, and load your own dishes in the washer. But we hadn't even had a petty argument in months.

I thought she may be under some stress at work. They were clearly working longer hours. I asked her about it. She said she was working harder but everything would be fine.

So I did the only thing I knew wouldn't get me into more trouble. I started doing more than my share of the domestic chores. I started cooking more dinners and washing the dishes right afterword. I did the laundry, folded towels and sheets. I dusted furniture and washed windows. I tried anything that she might notice, anything to melt her icy behavior toward me.

After several weeks I broke down and started in on my least favorite task, cleaning the bathroom. If I hadn't done that it may have been awhile before I found out. I know I would have never emptied the bathroom trash. I know I wouldn't have seen the box for the pregnancy test. That had piqued my curiosity, and led to my digging in garbage until I found the positive test. That led me to the medicine cabinet and her full birth control pill dispensers. And that led me to thinking and my terrible conclusion.

We had not had sex in at least seven weeks. Almost two months of excuses about not feeling well, too tired, too stressed. It was by far our longest dry spell but I had not been worried about the possible implications. I had to be mistaken, but I knew I wasn't. Another man had impregnated my wife. But who?

That question didn't take long to answer. I called Ann Marie prepared to ask a painful question. Her direct extension was forwarded to the reception desk. I asked to speak to Ann Marie and was informed that Ms. O'Conner had left for the day. I decided not to leave a message.

Her car was still in the parking lot when I arrived at her office about 20 minutes later. My slim hope that she had been in an accident and someone was frantically trying to get in touch with me came crashing down. Thirty minutes later all my questions were answered.

Her boss, Michael James, pulled his car in right next to Ann Marie's. She got out of the passenger door and walked around to his side. I saw her smile when they were done kissing, out in the open without a care in the world. My smile, given freely to another. It was all I needed to know.

I beat her home by minutes. It wasn't hard to hide my feelings from her that night. She barely looked in my direction.

It had only taken me a little over two hours to discover my marriage was over and why.

***

It was a twenty hour drive to Las Vegas. I made it in four days. I drove across Nebraska and into Colorado on the first day. I took my time driving through the mountains of Colorado and Utah because I enjoyed the serenity and calm I found crossing the great divide and because I wasn't sure if my truck could handle the terrain. I started out worrying about the engine but by the end of my trek I was more worried about the brakes. At the end of day four, I laid my head down on an uncomfortable mattress in an off-strip hotel. I slept for the next 18 hours.

It didn't take long to register, buy my books and fill out my housing forms. Less than a week earlier I had been a gainfully employed 25-year old new divorcee with an adulterous ex-wife and no family. Now I was a first year law student living in a one room dorm room with a shared kitchen and bathroom. I was on my way to a new life.

***

I wish I could tell you about my newly found sexual exploits and dating prowess after my return to college life. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I had no experience in dating, ever. It had always been Gavin and Ann Marie. I had no idea where to even start. I can tell you that I never had a single date while I was school. I didn't even have any close friends. If any female even indicated that they were interested in me, I missed the signals.

Instead, I used school as an escape and I put my full effort into my studies. I spent the next four years working towards my JD/MBA. It was not that crazy of an idea. I had been a 4.0 undergraduate. Ann Marie and I had discussed me returning to school as soon as we were on more sound financial ground. When I decided I needed to move on with my life, taking the LSAT and filling out applications was the first thing I did. Why Las Vegas? They were the first to accept me with a full scholarship and grant package. I knew nothing else about the school or the city other than they had a degree program I wanted and they were far away from my hometown.

About once a month I sent Mr. and Mrs. Santos an email telling them about my studies and filling them in about my life as a graduate student. It was a habit I developed with my own parents when I was an undergraduate. Maybe it was the routine, or maybe I was hoping that someone out in the world might actually care about what I was doing. 

Thirteen weeks in to my first semester there was a package waiting for me. I now knew the exact dollar amount. My love and heart were worth $7,642.18, after fees and expenses of course. It was perhaps the 3rd most depressing day of my life.

Periodically, every few weeks or so, I would receive an email response from Miguel or Maria Santos. I never told them where I actually was and they never asked. They would provide an update about one of their seven other children but never had any direct news about Ann Marie. It let me imagine that I had a family who missed me. I have no idea if it was healthy or not but it made me feel less alone, so I kept our conversations going.

For the first six or seven months there was always a hint but never anything blatant. Forgiveness, reconciliation, fatherhood, responsibility. They never came right out and said it, but they never failed to strategically place a hopeful anecdote. Then suddenly the reminders and hints stopped.

I never had any doubt that Ann Marie would keep her baby. But I did wonder if she would tell her parents the truth before the baby was born and it could not be hidden any more. I also wondered if Michael James would divorce his wife, abandon his three other children and do the honorable thing for Ann Marie. I would have to wonder because I didn't have the courage to make any inquires. But I did know the there was little chance that a baby fathered by a black man would resemble my lineage or inherit my light brown hair, fair complexion or green eyes.

I felt like a bit of coward when I had the flowers, balloons and gift basket sent to the James' residence, wishing Mr. James and Ann Marie congratulations on the birth of their child. I had a duplicate set of congratulations sent to Ann Marie, at her office, care of the company president. I had promised myself that I would not lower myself and intentionally try to hurt anyone, even Michael James, but the pain was still too raw. I needed to do something. I hadn't started any vicious rumors, just relayed a message of congratulations. In reality I was legitimately happy for Ann Marie. She had always spoken of her love of children. We talked about having a large family and lots of kids and hopefully grandkids. She was working on her dream and I was happy for her. It wasn't lost on me that her happiness came at the expense of my pain and not knowing what actually happened after my gifts arrived allowed me to imagine a devastating outcome for Michael James, however unlikely that actually was.


Finding a Full Circle



Fortunately, that simple cowardly act allowed me to legitimately close that chapter of my life. It still hurt, a lot. But it was over and couldn't be changed. It did not help me with my social life. I didn't have one and wouldn't for a few...well, many more years.

***

I met my first real post-divorce friend at work and he was twenty years my senior. The small legal firm I joined specialized in real estate transactions. The starting salary was beyond my expectations, but not outrageous. I was good with contracts, I had always been good with numbers, and I found out later that I was good with people.

"Gavin, people have to be able to look you in the eye and know that you can solve their problems. They are handing you the keys to their dreams and trusting you to not fuck it up. You have the gift, and I am going to show you how to use it."

David Rothchild was the senior partner who was assigned to review my work. He actually did more than that. He became my tutor, my mentor, and my life coach. Rothchild was a living legend in the legal community, he had brokered multimillion dollar real estate deals and he was a top notch negotiator. He was well liked and more importantly respected by state and local politicians, the business community and the gaming industry. Everything he was connected with turned out to be a success. He simply would never let himself to fail. Fortunately for me, he had decided I was his next project. 

I will never forget his first evaluation of my performance, a mere 90 days into my legal career.

"Gavin, as an attorney you are dedicated, diligent, and thorough. You are creative and have a very nice grasp of the law. You have been doing wonderful work."

I allowed myself to smile briefly at the compliments.

"Thank you, Mr. Rothchild."

"As a person, you are completely fucked up. Are you 30 or 90? What the hell is the matter with you? Don't bother telling me now, we are going out."

That is how I found myself sitting across from David Rothchild, master of real estate, king of Las Vegas, at what would become our weekly review of project Gavin. By the end of our first 'session', I knew why he was so good at his job. He had asked me a few questions then let me talk. Every so often he asked a follow up or told a story or a joke, then he would listen to me again. I told him everything. I told him about my life since childhood, my parents, law school and most importantly about Ann Marie. I told him things I had never told anyone and felt completely safe in doing so. He ended our discussion as only he could. 

"Well, we have a lot to work on. Fortunately, we have a lot to work with. Now let's get back to the office, I don't pay you to fuck around all day."

I had no idea what his motives were because we never discussed them. At first I didn't really understand what he was trying to do, but after three years the results were unmistakable. He was often so subtle I never even realized what he was doing, until it was done.

He would plant a seed, and I would find a flower. He would comment on a picture or an article or a movie or a TV show or a book. Something about it would click in my brain and I would add to my wardrobe, hit the gym, learn to cook, make better investment choices, buy my own real estate. Without his help I would have lived a very nice upper middle class life, with his help I was a confident, successful, young up and coming business mogul. I made the right choices, met the right people, and was involved in the right deals.

I was always at a loss for a way to thank him, but he didn't want any of the credit.

"Even though his dad showed him how to hold the club, Tiger is the one who hits the shots and wins the tournaments, Gavin. The only thanks I want or will ever need I get from watching you succeed."

I had been working for Rothchild for almost five years when he stopped pushing my business success and started working on my personal life and more importantly my soul. He dropped his first bombshell one day, casually dropping by my office and plopping himself down in one of my guest chairs.

"Gavin, what are you getting your parent's for their anniversary?"

I was bewildered at the question. He had to remember that my mother had died years ago. I was certain that he knew my father had died from liver failure the previous year. He was the one who approved my time off to go to Florida for the funeral. When I looked at him, he was taking a lot of pleasure at my confusion.

"Come now, Gavin. Miguel and Maria Santos will have been married for 50 years next month. Surely, you've been thinking about an appropriate gift. Only a jack ass would fail to acknowledge an event of that magnitude. Fucking ungrateful kids." 

With that, he triumphantly made his exit.

He was right. The Santos' were my de facto parents. I sent them messages at least once a month. I had started calling them on their birthdays during my second year of law school. I even sent an occasional gift or card on the holiday's including flowers on mother's day. I had given up hiding my location after about a year and could always expect a nice card for my birthday and a care package from Maria at Christmas.

Fifty years of marriage marked a lifetime achievement and was worthy of the best. That is what I gave them. First class airfare, five star spa and hotel accommodations, limousine service, reservations at the finest restaurants in Las Vegas and VIP tickets to the hottest shows on the strip. All expenses paid. I sent it to them overnight with my congratulations, 'In celebration of a shining example of true commitment. Happy anniversary...contents to be used at your leisure. With love, Gavin'.

I didn't send my gift with any expectations and I was surprised when I received the phone call at noon the very next day.

"Gavin O'Conner"

"Oh, miho, what a wonderful surprise! But it is much too much."

"Mrs. Santos, it is lovely to hear from you. But you and your husband deserve that gift and I was honored to be able to give it to you."

"Oh, Gavin, you always were a wonderful boy. Un momento, Miguel wants a word."

"Gavin?"

"Yes, sir."

"Gavin, this is too much. I cannot put you in a bind. I cannot even imagine the price. This is too much."

He was going on and on. I wasn't sure how he was managing without taking a breath.

"Mr. Santos?"

"Miguel?"

"Dad?!"

"Yes, Gavin."

"My gift does not even begin to repay you for all of the kindness you have shown me over the years. It gives me great joy to be able to give this to you, please, please accept it in the spirit with which it was intended."

After a slight pause, he spoke.

"Sí, miho. We accept."

"Fantastic. Happy anniversary."

From there it turned into a conversation any travel agent would have been proud of. I explained, to the best of my ability, everything I thought they would enjoy doing during their trip. I hung up the phone after a plethora of thank you's and love you's. And I felt better. A lot better.

I believe it was the first non-self serving act I had completed in nearly a decade. I was considering that very fact when I noticed Rothchild and his giant smirk darkening my doorway.

"Fucking ungrateful kids."

"Shut it, old man." 

***

The Santos' vacation was nothing like I expected. I assumed they would want to use my gift to its fullest taking in the sights, eating at great restaurants, lounging and relaxing at the hotel and spa. They did do some of those things, but always dragged me along with them. But the most important thing they wanted to do was spend time with me, from the minute they checked into the resort. Based on their flight arrival time, drive time to the hotel, and a few minutes added for checking in they couldn't have been in their room for more than five minutes when my phone rang.

"Gavin O'Conner"

"Miho, when are coming to see us?"

"Hello, Mrs. Santos. How was your flight?"

"Fine, fine. Miguel says we need to rest for a few minutes, but then we will be ready to go. When are you coming to see us?"

"Well, uhh, I suppose I could be there in about an hour."

"Oh, miho, wonderful. See you then."

I honestly had not planned on spending anytime with the Santos' during their trip. They had enough activities to keep them occupied. I had work piled up on my desk and was thinking about how I could reorder my schedule when Rothchild stepped into my office with two paralegals in tow.

"Gavin, I have taken the liberty of scheduling some time off for you. I think you need a break. Now, get the fuck out of here and don't come back for a week or you're fired."

The paralegals were boxing up all of my work and quickly left leaving my desk empty.

"Gavin, spend some time with your parents, I'll take care of everything else."

So that is what I did. I did break one rule though. The Santos' insisted on visiting my office. Rothchild usually didn't joke about a person's employment status, but when we walked into the office it seemed as though he had been expecting us. He personally gave the Santos' a tour of the office, introducing them to everyone as my parents. He had coffee and snacks waiting for us in the conference room where he spent almost an hour telling the Santos's about my work, praising my accomplishments and treating them like visiting royalty. I will say it did feel very nice to see the Santos' beam with pride as he spoke about me. Maria barely left my side, patting my hand every time someone said a nice word about me.

"We are so proud of you, miho."

The rest of the week was much of the same. I could see Rothchild's influence nearly everywhere we went. Now, I freely admit that I had chosen the limousine company, the resort, the restaurants and shows for the Santos' trip based on some of the business contacts I had made over the years. I had called in a few favors. It wasn't really a big deal. But Rothchild had pulled out all the stops.

Everywhere we went, we were given VIP service. We were greeted by owners, not managers, directors, not assistants. They would regale the Santos' with stories about how I had helped them in their business activities and treat us to the best seats in the house or the best wine in the reserve or the best of whatever they had to offer. It was really something.

"Mr. and Mrs. Santos, I have to confess that this week has been a little over the top. I do know and have worked with all these people, but I have never been given this level of service before. I am afraid I live a much more meager day to day life."

"Gavin, we think it is wonderful that you have so many friends who wanted to show us how special they think you are. We have always known that you were a very special young man....and it has always made us proud to call you...."

Maria Santos could not finish, but Miguel had no problem jumping in.

"...our son. That is what you are and what you will always be. You spoke an oath before God that made you part of our family. You have honored every single part of that oath. You have been a constant in our lives since you were a young boy and we have been honored to watch you grow into a fine man. A father can ask for no more. Gavin, we love you and are very proud of you."

Miguel Santos may have been a decade older but his strength had not diminished at all. I thought he was going to crack a few of my ribs with the bear hug he wrapped me in. Maria Santos joined in our tearful embrace a moment later completing my first real familial moment in such a long time. It filled my spirit with joy.

The rest of their trip passed quickly and I was sad to see them go. I did promise to visit them soon but I had some business to take care of first.

Once again Rothchild had known exactly what I needed. I returned to work energized and more productive. When I told him my idea, he just smiled and gave me his blessing. As a project this one was relatively small in scale and would produce no long term revenue, but it may have been the most important project I had ever taken on.

It only took six weeks to secure all of the property rights I would need, save one. I already had a buyer with a full financing package in my pocket. I made few other phone calls, seven to be exact, to people who wouldn't be expecting my call. After that, and armed with new information about how to seal the deal with the remaining property owners, I was ready and I booked a flight to my hometown. I would be visiting for the first time in almost a decade.

***

I was in the airport waiting for my flight to begin boarding when I met Amy and Lydia for the first time. They were working for a coffee shop kiosk in one of the terminals. I didn't feel right about listening in on their conversation but they really weren't trying to keep quiet. Everyone in line for a latte knew what their problem was. It was actually pretty simple. Their apartment had broken appliances and plumbing. Their landlord was refusing to fix any of the problems. He was also told them if they broke their lease they would lose their security deposit essentially leaving them no money to get themselves out of an awful situation.

When Amy handed me my coffee, I handed her a card with some instructions written on the back.

"I couldn't help but overhear your conversation. I think that I can help if you would like. That is my business card. Call the number on the card, ask for Marcus. Tell him Gavin, that's me, told you to ask him for a 'Melvin'. A 'Melvin'. That's very important. He'll need your information and the information about your landlord. He'll take it from there. If you need help finding a new place, tell Marcus. He'll help find you a nice place in your price range. I wrote everything on the back of the card."

That is when they announced my flight was boarding.

"That's my flight, I have to go. Don't worry about the cost, I'll take care of it. Just use the number. Marcus. Gavin. Melvin. OK, best of luck."

Why did I offer to help them? That's an easy question. I had run across my share of assholes in my time in real estate. It was Rothchild who had given me my fundamental belief about operating in this business.

"Gavin, real estate is not a zero sum game. There do not have to be winners and losers. In the best deals everyone wins. Our clients get a solid investment at the right price, tenants get to the use premium, upscale facilities and everyone makes money. We are not in the business of fucking with people. We are matchmakers not pimps."

So with a few phone calls and a letter and maybe 30 minutes of work, one of our paralegals would clean this assholes clock and get the two girls out of a bad situation. We did pro bono work from time to time. This was no different. I sent Marcus a quick email before I had to shut off my phone so he wouldn't be completely surprised when he got the phone call and also so he would know how bill his time.

***

The flight to Omaha was relatively short and I had my rental car and luggage in no time. I found myself driving around aimlessly for a few minutes. Not much had changed, well at least the big landmarks were still the same, but there were some new things too. I guess it felt the same, just not like home anymore. I drove through the Santos' neighborhood. Every property, except theirs, was in disrepair. It had never been the best neighborhood, but now it was clearly neglected.

I knew a few things were different, like the new condominium development that was my final destination. The design was unique in the area, several levels of condominiums above retail space filled with restaurants, a movie theatre and shops including a grocery store. The property sat adjacent to a large park with several walking paths. It was perfect.

The condo I was sitting in was a brand new two bedroom with a large open living, dining and kitchen area and a separate den. It had a nice sized balcony overlooking the park with a nice view of the skyline. The master bedroom and bathroom were spa like, complete with whirlpool tub large tiled shower. The space was nicely furnished, the fixtures were top of the line and the appliances were first rate. With a few pictures and personal touches and it would feel very comfortable.

I was expecting the Santos' to meet me for dinner at one of the restaurants and they were right on time. They were dressed for a night on the town and we had a great meal filled with laughter. I could only hope the rest of the night went as well.

Miguel and Maria Santos were going to be 67 years old, and had been married for 50 years. I know what you're thinking; I had done the math, too. They were clearly married in a different time. They were both young in spirit and in good health, but years of manual labor had taken its toll on Miguel. Maria was working as a low level administrator to help save for retirement. During one of our conversations in Las Vegas, I learned that although they were ready to retire, they didn't think they could afford it and were worried about living their golden years in a home surrounded by crime and abandoned homes. I was hoping to change all of that. As Rothchild reminded me it was what children did for their parents.

I invited them back to the condo for a night cap. They seemed surprised when we entered the elevator.

"I didn't even know this was a hotel, miho. The rooms must be expensive."

"Yeah, uhhh, we need to talk about that."

When I opened the door to the condo, they both went on and on about the space. It was nice to see that they liked it. I had asked seven of their children to describe the Santos' dream home. Most of their descriptions matched, some had a detail or two that was unique. I was pretty sure that I had covered them all.

The Champaign caught their attention.

"Are we celebrating?"

"Yes, I hope so."

"Well, what is the occasion?"

I popped the cork.

"Your retirement and new home."

I held my glass up and gestured around the room.

"Oh my goodness. This is a gift?! We cannot take this it is too much."

"Miguel is right, miho. We cannot possibly accept something like this."

"Oh, it is no gift. But you are going to have more than enough to buy it. Please sit down and let's talk about it." 

They were a bit reluctant but all in all it was going quite well.

"When we sign these documents we will be forming a partnership, Santos Investment Group. Our first order of business is to close on the 19 properties that encompass the two block radius surrounding your current home. Our second order of business is to package those properties along with your current home, request a zoning change from the planning department, and sell them to Property Management International, who plans to use the space for hotel, retail and parking development adjacent to the new arena. We will net this amount on the sale of our properties in the next 90 days."

I slid a piece of paper across the table with the dollar amount highlighted. I think they were shocked. 

"This condo has been leased, as is, for the next 3 months, with a 90-day option to buy for this amount."

I slid a second piece of paper with another dollar amount highlighted.

"Then a half of the remaining profit will fund a lifetime annuity for the two of you with a monthly dividend of this amount."

The third piece of paper was placed on the table.

"And then you start living a worry free retirement that is richly deserved, in your new home. I am giving you nothing but some sound business advice and some free legal services."

The Santos' wouldn't be rich, but they would never have to work another day in their lives. It was more of a silver parachute and it would be enough.

"Gavin, how did you do all of this in such a short time?"

"Well, buying the properties surrounding yours took a little bit of leg work, but was easy enough. Mr. Rothchild found the buyer through his business contacts. Apparently there is a new gaming facility in the works across the river in Iowa. Negotiating the price was easy once we determined the value of the property given its new purpose, the zoning change will occur with the help of our buyer's contacts on the city council, and the rest is just good investing."




Finding a Full Circle



Maria Santos was crying, but smiling. Miguel was just shaking his head.

"I can't believe it. It is a miracle."

"This is more than we have ever imagined."

"Well, no one deserves it more than the both of you."

***

I not seen or heard from Ann Marie in ten years. Her parents never mentioned her name. Her siblings, though I had not spoken to them often, never mentioned her name. I never thought about her. Still, seeing her for the first time felt like someone was shaking me awake from a dream. I had loved her for all my formative years and the beginning of my adult life, and now I felt nothing.

Our meeting was as random as could be. I had not done a good job in packing, selecting my favorite items to wear instead of coordinating outfits. I needed to pick up several things to remain clothed for the duration of my trip. Fortunately, a new shopping center had one of my favorite retail stores. It hadn't been here when I left town.

I had been shopping for awhile when I heard the familiar voice.

"You have great taste."

Ann Marie looked the essentially the same as I remembered. A little older, smile not quite as bright, and a couple of extra pounds. Nothing dramatic. Just an older version of the woman I married.

"Hello, Ann Marie."

"Why are you here?"

"I am shopping. You?"

"Oh, I work here. I meant why are you in town?"

"Just finishing some business and visiting some old friends."

"Oh. Was I going to make your list of friends to visit?"

"Honestly? No."

"Oh. OK. It was nice to see you, Gavin."

"You too, Ann Marie."

I thought that was going to be it. It was very awkward, but not gut wrenching. I thought it had gone better than I should have expected since I had no plans on ever seeing her again. My sense of calm was short lived, when I noticed she was working the register. She completed the sale before she spoke again.

"Gavin, how long will you be in town?"

"A few days, maybe."

"Do you think we could get together and talk just for a little while?"

"I'll think about it."

She handed me her card. I left without another word. I really had nothing to say to her. I had truly moved on. I almost didn't call. 

Against my better judgment, two nights later, I found myself sitting alone in a booth of one of my favorite bars. Ann Marie and I used to meet our friends here on Friday's after work. It was comfortable enough, but not the same. 

She had clearly gone all out. Her little black dress hugged her curves, which had expanded nicely with her maturity. The black pumps with four inch heels showed off her legs. She clearly had spent time on her makeup, hair and nails. If she had been a stranger, I may have even asked if I could buy her a drink. She did look good. I didn't stand as she slid into the booth across from me. She waited a few minutes before she started.

"You lied to me."

"You lied to me, first."

I knew what she was talking about. She knew what I meant. She had the courtesy to look embarrassed before she continued.

"I didn't think that you would really leave town. I was kind of hoping we would get a chance to talk."

"What would have been the point?"

"I don't know. I really don't. But I know I was not happy when you left me."

"Well, you didn't really give me a choice. So I don't feel bad about your unhappiness."

She looked mildly surprised at my tone. I wasn't being harsh just truthful.

"Gavin, I never stopped loving you, even when I was doing what I did."

I had to sigh at that. I wondered if this was the path that she would choose.

"Ann Marie, the only good thing about our divorce was that you never lied to me. Probably because I didn't give you the chance. But I am not going to sit here very long if you plan on lying to me now. What do you want anyway? Why are we sitting here? This will not change anything. What happened to us was over a long time ago."

"But you never fought for me. You just gave up on us, without even an argument. It was such a surprise. Why would you leave me without even trying? I thought you loved me."

"Well, I guess we will have to agree to disagree on that point. The way I saw it, you gave up on me. Without a word. You left me, without ever giving me a chance to fix whatever you thought was broken. I just put it on paper."

"It was a mistake, Gavin. I made a huge mistake and I'm sorry. OK?"

I had to groan at that. Our years apart had given me clarity. Apparently those same years made Ann Marie delusional.

"Bull shit."

She had a pained look on her face and her eyes were starting to tear, but everything she was saying was a lie.

"Just because things didn't work out the way you had hoped and you are having buyer's remorse doesn't mean that you get to rewrite history. Please don't insult my intelligence by acting like you cared about me."

"I did care, Gavin. I loved you. I still love you."

"Do you honestly believe that? Really?"

"It's true, Gavin."

"OK let's explore that theory. Was it you or Michael James who decided that I should be cut off from sex with my loving wife?"

She was looking me right in the eye, and for a second there was shame, but it mostly looked like she didn't want to answer and that maybe she was sorry she had started this.

"It was his."

"So your never-ending love for me not only allowed you to spread your legs for another man, but to obey his wishes even though it would clearly only hurt me?"

"Gavin, I..."

"How long did you wait before you stopped taking your birth control pills?"

"What? Well, I, uh..."

"I mean you didn't accidently get pregnant. You decided to let him knock you up. You wanted it. When were you planning on telling me that you were carrying a bastard child in the womb you had promised to me? Or were you planning on telling me you were carrying my child knowing we weren't having sex?"

She didn't even bother opening her mouth to attempt a response.

"Why aren't you with him? Where is he anyway?"

"He didn't want me. His wife found out about the baby and so did his boss at the office. His wife divorced him and he had to resign his position or he was going to get fired. He left me. I had to quit my job, too. It was too embarrassing being there with everyone knowing what had happened."

"And I should feel bad about that? Why?"

"I don't know Gavin, I really don't. I made a mistake; I got caught up in a bad thing and couldn't stop. I know I was wrong. Can't you forgive me? I love you. I died the day you left me and I have been missing you ever since that day. I wanted you to come back and give me another chance. I wanted you to give me the chance to apologize and tell you I would never do it again. I am all alone Gavin, my parents barely speak to me. My siblings don't want me around. I have no friends. I am all alone."

"Ann Marie, I did forgive you. Long ago. But there is no chance that I will ever go back to what we had. As for the rest of it, you have your bastard. It can keep you warm at night."

"That is a cruel thing to say, Gavin."

"It is no more mean spirited than the lies you are telling me."

"I am not lying, Gavin. I want another chance. It is what I have dreamed of all these years."

"That is never going to happen."

"Why Gavin? I know you love me. You said it yourself. You said you would always love me. I have always loved you. Why can't it work?"

"Two reasons. One, I am not the same man who married you. I have changed a great deal. You don't even know me anymore and I definitely don't know you, if I ever even did."

"You do know me, Gavin. I am the same person I was back then, the woman that you loved. So your first reason doesn't matter. What is the second?"

"You know Ann Marie, that is the first thing that you have said that I honestly believe. But let me talk about my second reason and then ask you a question. You wanted someone else. I let you have what you wanted without a single harsh word. Because, I loved you. Maybe, I still do in a different way. And, since the day I left you, I have gone to law school, passed the bar exam, started a new career, and built a new life. But the one thing I haven't done is had another lover. I haven't had sex with a woman since the last time we made love. So let me ask you this? How many different men have you fucked during the time you have been pining away for me and our lost love?"

Ann Marie couldn't even lift her eyes to meet mine.

"See, I knew you were telling me the truth, Ann Marie. You see, I didn't know it at the time, but the woman I loved was a lying, cheating slut. How would I ever trust you again? Why would I even want to? Tell me one reason why I would even want to let you back into my life that doesn't benefit only you. If you can do that maybe we have a chance."

She was crying quietly as I stood up to leave.

"That's what I thought. Goodbye, Ann Marie."

***

Three months later, I saw them again. 

I was heading back to Omaha to finish up some business. Everything had worked out as planned. Miguel and Maria were enjoying their new home and freedom. It made my heart warm to see and talk to them when they were so happy.

The ladies weren't complaining this time just giggling and smiling as they served their customers. I was lost in my phone when I heard them shout my name.

"Mr. O'Conner!!"

"Yes? Can I help you?"

For a second I didn't recognize them. I mean I had never really met them. I didn't even know their names. I was completely at a loss when it hit me.

"Oh, yes, yes. The 'Melvin'. I am sorry I couldn't place you. I should have followed up. How did things work out?"

"Perfectly, Mr. O'Conner. We would have contacted you but we didn't even know how to begin to thank you."

"Please, it's Gavin and there is no need for thanks. I was just trying to snag a little good karma. I am just happy things worked out for you."

I took a moment to assess the two young ladies. Only one was speaking. She was a very cute brunette, with a nice smile and curly hair that fell to her shoulders. She was maybe 5' 7" and she had very curvy but healthy looking figure. Her companion had a shy look about her. She was slightly taller and much thinner. She had longer straight blonde hair. She did not look unhealthy by any means, her frame was just small and everything about her matched that. I would have thought she was afraid of me if she didn't have a small smile on her face.

Once again, they were calling for my plane to board.

"Well.....uhh, ladies that is my plane again. It was nice to see you again...ummm...I am sorry I don't know your names."

"I am Amy and this is Lydia. We're cousins."

"Well, Amy and Lydia, it was a pleasure seeing you again."

I was standing in line just about to hand my ticket to the agent when Amy came running up to me. She handed me a napkin from their coffee shop with a phone number.

"We really need to thank you properly. Call me when you get back?"

Because I was next in line to board, I just opened my mouth. Knowing me, I probably would have backed out gracefully if I had been given any time to think.

"Sure. No problem."

***

There was always a family meeting on the major holidays. Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Fourth of July and Cinco de Mayo all had been reasons to gather and celebrate. Asking for everyone to gather in September was a bit odd. But that is exactly what I had done. I was surprised that everyone fit in the Santos' new condo. There clearly was no room for everyone to sleep, but it was actually quite comfortable as a gathering place. Everyone was seated and staring at me. This was going to be one of the most difficult things I had ever done. Maybe they wouldn't think it was my place, I had no idea. But it felt like the right thing to do, so as Rothchild was always saying, I was 'going with my gut'.

"I wanted everyone to be here so that I only had to say this once and so that you would all get to hear it at the same time. First, I wanted to say that being treated as a full-fledged member of this family has been one of my greatest joys. Miguel and Maria, your love and support has given me strength to deal with some very unfortunate circumstances. I will always be thankful for that."

"But I also remember Ann Marie being a part of this family. She was also able to share the joy of successes and the pain of failures with this family. She cheated on me, and because of that, I was forced to make some difficult choices. But she didn't cheat on any of you. I spoke with her for the first and only time in the last ten years just a few months ago. It was one of the most painful discussions I have ever had. I had some harsh words for her and her treatment of me. But, while I may always be angry with her for her behavior, it was what she told me about all of you that made me feel ashamed. So I say this with all due respect to each and every one of you. Mr. and Mrs. Santos, please forgive my language and my hasty departure but this is something I have to say and do."

"You all need to stop being a bunch of petty assholes and you need to stop ostracizing your daughter and sister. And her daughter. And until she is back among this family, where she always should have been, I don't want anything to do with any of you. Mr. and Mrs. Santos I will not be contacting you and you shouldn't contact me until this horse shit has ended."

The shocked expressions on their faces did not leave me with much satisfaction, but with that said, I walked out on my adopted family with no real hope of ever seeing them again.

***

Life over the next year was kind of hectic on both a professional and personal level.

At the office we were moving at a pace that was sure to kill us if we kept at it too long. After almost 8 weeks of 14 hour days and back to back to back deals Rothchild had enough. One night in the conference room her let us all know it.

"That is it! I have had it! I can barely stand the sight of any of you. As of this moment we are closed. Everyone get the fuck out of here and don't come back for a week. I'll pay you for your time as long as I don't have to look at any of you."

Then he exited, stage right.

I spent my first day of mandatory exile cleaning my condo. I had forgotten I had some of the furniture that was buried under piles of papers, clothing and take out containers. I was dividing my laundry in to dry cleaning and wash piles, emptying pockets as I went. That is when I found the napkin with the number.

On the morning of my third day of exile, with a clean apartment and refreshed wardrobe, the napkin was decorating my dining room table like a centerpiece. I decided to make the call. I sounded like an idiot.

"Hello."

"Uhhh....yes....can I....um speak to Amy please."

"This is she."

"Oh...uhhh...hello Amy this is Gavin...umm...O'Conner. I was the one at the airport. I mean you gave me your number at the airport. Ahh, shit. I mean, you may remember me from the airport, you gave me your number a few weeks ago and asked me to call."

I was sure that the red glow on my face was clear as a bell on the other end of the phone line.

"Hi, Gavin of course I remember you. How could I forget?"

"Well, umm, I am sure this is too short of notice and you both probably have plans, but I was hoping that you and Lydia might be able to join me for dinner, well I guess I was hoping I could make you both dinner at my apartment and you might could tell me about how everything went with your apartment well tonight I suppose. I mean we got kicked out of the office for the week and I was getting bored. And while I am sure there were supposed to be some periods in some of those sentences somewhere, I was hoping you might be free for dinner tonight. With me. At my apartment."

She was giggling. I was humiliating myself.

"Gavin, we would love to come to dinner at your apartment and this evening will work just fine for us."

"Fantastic. Great. That's good."

"Gavin?"

"Yes."

"Can you give me your address?"

"Oh, yeah. You bet."

My humiliation was complete. I couldn't even invite a couple of people over for dinner.

***

I was much more comfortable talking to Amy and Lydia face to face, even though Lydia still wasn't talking. She was making eye contact and smiling and that was more than enough for me.

"This is a great condo, Gavin. You must love to host parties here."

My condo was pretty spectacular, not that I had much to do with it. It was the centerpiece of an underdeveloped property. Rothchild and I had been a part of restructuring the financing for the developer. The three bedroom penthouse condo just happened to be available at a below market value and I jumped at the chance to take it. I had a fantastic view of the strip and a premium bachelor pad that had basically never been used to its potential. I liked the place so much I decided to spend a little extra, but I didn't want to mention that I also owned the building. 

"Actually, other than my boss you are the first visitors I have had here."

"Really? What about your girlfriend?"

"Oh, I don't have a girlfriend. I haven't even been on a date since I was divorced and that was a decade ago."

Amy and Lydia were sitting on barstools at the kitchen island drinking some wine. Amy had been asking me question after question. It felt really good to talk to someone other than my boss and coworkers. I was cooking some pasta and working on a sauce and had been chatting away. I didn't even realize I had been answering everything she asked. I guess I just felt comfortable with them. I couldn't explain it.

But then the conversation stopped. When I turned around they were both staring at me, mouths open.

"What? Did I say something to upset you? I am sorry....what did I say?"

"You haven't been on a date in 10 years, Gavin?"

"Well, no I haven't. I was studying and working and it just never came up. Is that weird?"

"Ummm....yeah."

Even Lydia was nodding her head.

"Oh, well, I guess I have never really thought about it. I guess it is a little strange. Hmm."

"I mean, Jesus, Gavin. I just can't believe that."

"Well, It's true. Dinner's ready. We should move over to the table."

Dinner was a lot of fun. There was a lot of laughter and smiles. I got to learn all about Amy and Lydia. Amy was in her senior year at the university studying hospitality management, Lydia was studying English with a minor in creative writing. I asked Lydia if I could read any of her work. Amy told me maybe. They shared a look that I couldn't read. They were both 22 and had been living together since they were 16, when Lydia's parents had been killed in a car accident. Continuing to be roommates in college just seemed like the perfect fit.

Amy said Lydia liked me and would talk to me eventually, once she got to know me better. I left it at that. 

There was odd electricity in the room the entire night, though. It may have just been the wine, or my complete lack of social skills, but it almost seemed like they were both flirting with me. I privately chastised myself a couple of times for even thinking that way about the two young women who were my guests, but not too badly. Honestly, I was enjoying the attention even if it was mostly a fantasy made up in my head.

At the end of the night I got a brief hug and a kiss on the cheek from both girls. They departed with Amy saying we should get together again soon. I jokingly told them I was free for the rest of the week and they should stop by whenever they felt the urge.

I was truly surprised when they showed up the next day before lunch with a picnic basket full of food. We ate lunch on the balcony and enjoyed the day before the temperature made staying outside unbearable. Then they both left to go work.

It seemed like they really took my invitation to heart. The next night, after their classes were done, they were back with pizza, popcorn and a movie. They shared the couch while lounged in my favorite club chair.




Finding a Full Circle



Amy was a little nervous about asking to use the pool the next day. She was wondering if the building management had a policy about guests. I smiled and told her I would take care of it. When they arrived the next day, I had a surprise for them. I had card keys to the pool and workout facilities for both of them as well as a locker in the ladies lounge. Sometimes it is good to be the king. They had a surprise for me, too. When they came out of the bedroom in their bikinis I knew I was going to have to increase the veracity my daily workouts. For a few moments I was certain I was having a heart attack as they left to use the pool.

After my week of exile was over we sort of fell into a routine. I would go to work and come home. Three or four days a week, the girls would stop by for dinner or a movie or just to chat. We usually found some activity for the three of us on Saturday or Sunday. The girls were also stopping by almost daily to use the workout facilities, though I was usually at work.

Rothchild was over the moon with all his new material to tease me with.

"If I didn't know your sorry ass so well I would think you were dating two women at the same time."

"Give it a rest old man, we are just friends. And for the love of God keep your depraved fantasies to yourself."

***

About four months into our friendship, I knew something was wrong. We were having a quiet dinner one Friday night at my condo, but the girls were unusually subdued. As the dinner was coming to a close, I just couldn't take the growing tension.

"Ladies, is there something wrong?"

"No, not really Gavin. Lydia just wanted to ask you a question but I don't know exactly how to phrase it."

"Amy, you know you can ask me anything. I don't have a filter when it comes to the two of you. Just ask away, as long as you promise not to get offended with my answer."

"Well, OK. Why have you never made a move on either of us? Do you not think we are attractive?"

I was a little stunned at the question. It took me just a minute to get my bearings.

"Well, hmmm, that is a tough one. Let me say that you are both stunningly beautiful young women. But I have never put 'a move' on you for two reasons. First, I don't want to ruin our friendship by offending you or making you think I am some kind of dirty old man hanging around a couple of hot coeds for eye candy. And secondly, I don't even know if I have 'a move'. I have never had the opportunity to use one. I wouldn't even know where to start."

Amy and Lydia just stared at each other for a moment. Then Lydia smiled and nodded. Amy took a deep breath and slowly let out a sigh.

"Gavin, Lydia and I want you to know that we really enjoy spending time with you. And we both like you a lot."

"I enjoy our time together as well."

"But, Lydia and I are also looking for someone special and we want to make sure that you are fully aware of what that means."

"Ladies, I meant what I said. You are both extremely attractive and I can say with full confidence that neither of you is going to have a problem finding someone special. I think you will each find that person with no problem."

For a brief moment I thought Lydia was going to speak, she was almost pleading with her eyes for Amy to continue.

"I think you misunderstood Gavin, we don't each want our own special person. We want one special person, just one person. And, well, we think that person might be, no probably is the better word....we think that person is you."

To say I was shocked would be the understatement of the century. I couldn't even speak before she continued.

"But we want you to understand exactly what we are asking for before we take the next step. So, Lydia, wants me to ask you to take the evening to read some of her writing. She thinks, and I agree, that it will give you some insight as to what she is looking for. Then we would like to come back tomorrow and talk about what that means for us. And you. Well all of us. Can you do that?"

"I think I can, although I admit I am a bit confused. You just want me to read her stories?"

"Yes, Gavin, and then tomorrow we would like to talk about them and us."

"OK, I can do that."

***

I realize at this point that some of you may have the wrong impression of me. I have strong opinions about what I feel is right and wrong. That is true. Those beliefs always guided my actions. I also have strong opinions about how you should treat people that you care about, friends and family especially. Also, I have tried to show a kind face to strangers and people who I don't really know but with whom I have to interact with on a daily basis. However, I am not so self-absorbed that I think that all people share my opinions, so I had adopted a 'live and let live' philosophy. As long as someone wasn't hurting anyone else, I had no opinion how they lived their life. Did you want to have 19 kids and a wife and four dogs? Fine with me, just treat them well. Did you hate all children and want to be a confirmed bachelor for life banging a different hot chick every night? Sounds great. Just stay away from the married ones unless their husbands are into that kind of bullshit.

However, I could also be a real hard ass. Those who crossed me in business deals regretted it. Rothchild called it my Jeckyll and Hyde quality. He said I always gave people the benefit of the doubt, treated people with sometimes too much respect, but when someone crossed me he thought at times that I would cut their heart out with a spoon just to watch them die. He thought it was funny, I thought it was a big exaggeration. But I did have a temper.

I don't think I was that way before Ann Marie broke my heart. Up until that point I had never had someone betray my trust in such a dramatic way. That whole incident had made me intensely loyal to those who had earned my trust and extremely vengeful towards those that abused it.

Another question you may have is how it is possible for an average healthy male to go without sex for ten years. For that I have two answers, pain and porn. 

For a long time after my divorce, I had almost no libido. I was too caught up in the pain of my divorce to even think about sex. Everything that reminded me, even a little, of Ann Marie made it difficult to breath. When a woman was wearing a short skirt and had nice legs or ass, I would think of Ann Marie. If there was a woman in a low cut blouse showing a little cleavage, same thing. Brown eyes, a nice smile, an even tan. All of it. It is hard to even think about a erection when you are trying not to cry.

I got through it by ignoring all of those things and concentrating on my studies or my work. It took a long time for that pain to dissipate.

When it finally did, I was horny all the time. I was just too awkward to do anything about it. I had always thought that meeting the love of my life so young was great, but I found out I had missed out on a large chunk of life's experiences that would have been helpful in my situation.

I had never asked a girl for a date. I had never picked up a one night stand. I had no idea how to capture the interest of a girl, let alone a woman. Unfortunately, that made too scared of rejection to even try. I had confidence in myself about most things but, thanks to Ann Marie, satisfying a woman wasn't one of them.

So I turned to porn. A lot of it. And I learned some things about myself. Ann Marie and I were married very young, and while I had always enjoyed our sex life, we were not very adventurous. Having to take care of my own needs left me a lot of free time to think about what I really wanted. With every sexual desire just a mouse click away, I was able to satisfy my curiosity and started to think that maybe I wouldn't enjoy such a bland sex life in the future. To be honest, most times I just thought I was fucking perverted.

Before I knew it, ten years had passed and I was beginning to think that I would never even get a chance to try some of the new sexual adventures I had learned and fantasized about.

So it was with that frame of mind that I read Lydia's stories. They were wonderfully vivid, set in historical tapestries that really showed off her creativity. Her writing was like poetry and she painted such a clear picture of her characters I felt like I had known some of them all my life. I learned a lot about Lydia from her stories. Most importantly that she was even a bigger pervert than me. I was rock hard from the very first story and I had to relieve my tension several times during the night.

***

When the girls arrived around noon the next day, I was excited to point of giddiness and scared that I was about to fuck up a couple of great new friendships. After we grabbed some drinks and snacks we made our way to the living room. Amy started right in.

"Lydia and I aren't involved with each other sexually."

"OK, I guess that is important to know but, to be honest, I hadn't given it any thought."

Lydia just smiled as Amy continued.

"Lydia and I have always looked out for each other. We are not just cousins. We have been best friends for as long as I can remember. When we started getting interested in boys we would always talk about what we liked, what we were doing with our boyfriends and more importantly what we wanted to do with our boyfriends. I was always drawn to the sweet, caring guys. Lydia always drifted to the more aggressive alpha male types. When we became sexually active and started to talk about our fantasies we both realized Lydia was a little submissive. I started to worry about her. She was worried, too. The guys she would date treated her great in the bedroom but like a piece of shit when they were out on a date."

"I guess while I understood what she needed sexually, and even understood the appeal of what she attracted to, I just didn't want to see her get hurt."

They were sitting right next to each other, holding hands now.

"Then our worst fears came true. One of Lydia's boyfriends got a little too aggressive, and no he didn't rape her, but he did have sex with her without using a condom, ignoring her objections. Lydia found out a few weeks later that she was pregnant. It did not go well and she had problems. To make a long story short, it was necessary to terminate her pregnancy for the sake of her health, but there were complications. Because of that Lydia can't have children."

There were unspent tears in both of their eyes.

"Having our children play together was our dream since we were little girls. We were only 19, and that dream was over before it started. But I love Lydia, more than a cousin and more than a friend. I knew she would always be a large part of my life. So we talked and decided together that our dream didn't have to end. I would have loved Lydia's babies as if they were my own, and I knew she would love mine as if they had come from her womb. So we agreed, that we would share my children and raise them together as co-mothers."

They were both looking at me, I suppose to gauge my reaction. I didn't quite know what to say. I thought Amy was describing one of the most selfless acts of kindness I had ever heard. I always knew there was an unspoken closeness between them, now that I knew the story, it just seemed to make sense.

"Well, I think that is one of the saddest, kindest most beautiful stories I have ever heard."

The both smiled softly. 

"But then we had another problem. Before we could even approach someone about our idea we needed to find a good candidate and after a short time we were certain we would have to give up. The guys I was attracted to were too wimpy for Lydia. The guys that caught Lydia's eye were always too arrogant for me. I mean we were searching for the impossible: a handsome, kind and gentle, loving, mega confident alpha male." 

"And then we met you," Lydia whispered.

It was the first time that Lydia had ever spoken to me. It made my heart skip a beat. Amy continued.

"Without even knowing us you solved our problem without even requesting a thank you. It was one of the sweetest things that anyone had ever done for either of us. And yet, you also just took charge. You identified our problem, gave us a solution, told us what to do and then left almost without a word. It was so perfect we didn't even know how to approach you without messing up."

"And then we met again and we got to hang out with you. We got to know the real you and not just our fantasy of you and it has been wonderful. And so we decided to take a chance and let you into our world with no secrets. That way if you thought we were crazy, we might have a chance to remain friends when you turned us down."

Now I really had no idea what to say. I was pretty sure that I was just offered a life with two coed hotties. There was absolutely no way this was going to work out for me.

"OK, that is a lot to take in. I need some time to think. Can we take a break? I promise that we will talk again at some point this weekend."

"Sure, Gavin. We understand," Amy replied.

They left quickly. I sensed some disappointment. I already knew what my answer was going to be but I wanted to give them an answer that was appropriate to their offer. They had given this a lot of thought and were clearly sharing something extremely personal with me. I wanted my response to match.

I ran a few quick errands to get ready for the night, returning to the condo around 3:00. I got my cell phone and home phone and went to sit at the kitchen table. I prepared a text message for Lydia, then I called Amy.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Amy, this is Gavin."

I hit send on the text message.

"Hi, Gavin."

"Amy, I was wondering if you would like to go on a date with me tonight? Maybe dinner and a drink or two?"

I heard Lydia's cell phone ding in the background. After a few seconds I heard her gasp in surprise.

"Gavin, I would love to go to dinner with you this evening."

"Great, I will pick you up at 7:00 if that is OK with you."

"That sounds lovely."

"Fantastic, see you soon."

I hung up and waited for Lydia's response. Her invitation was much more of a risk, but I was hoping my educated guess would hit the target. My message said, 'Be at my apartment at 6:15. Do not be late. You will be spending the night. I need to approve your sleepwear so send me a picture of what you plan on wearing to bed.'.

Ten minutes later I had my response. Lydia had taken a picture of herself in her bathroom mirror. She was wearing a sheer black negligee and matching g-string panty.

I replied truthfully. 'Perfect'.

***

I was a nervous wreck for the rest of the afternoon. I really wanted things to go well. I was all in now, so there was no turning back.

Lydia was right on time. She was wearing a couple of layered spaghetti strap tank tops, white over black, and a very short tan skirt. Her black three inch pumps would normally have been very tasteful, but with her outfit seemed a little slutty. Her eyes were sparkling like I had never seen before. She was carrying a small overnight bag.

I brought her into the foyer and stopped her.

"I will take your bag to the bedroom. We won't need that for awhile. Wait here."

I took the bag from her hand and took it to the master bedroom. I returned with one of my purchases from earlier in the day. She was standing completely still as a paced around her looking her up and down. She was such a beautiful young woman. I desperately hoped that what I had planned would meet her expectations. I stepped behind her allowing my hip and chest to press against her body and then in a stern whisper I began to speak.

"Lydia, darling, I am afraid I have other plans for the evening. I am going out. But I need you to do something for me. I need you to wait here for me. Do you know why I need you to wait here for me?"

She gently shook her head from side to side.

"Well, I have a date tonight. And I am hoping that it will go well for me. But there is always a danger that I won't be satisfied. Do you understand?"

She nodded her head up and down slowly.

"But, if you are here waiting for me and I happen to be frustrated at the end of my date, I can just come back and use you for my release."

Her soft groan let me know I was on the right path. 

"So you see, you are my back up plan, in case your cousin doesn't put out on a first date. Isn't that perfect?"

"Yes, Gavin," she whispered.

"Good. So let's make sure you will be comfortable, ok?"

I quickly secured one of the Velcro strap handcuffs to one of her wrists. Then I brought both her arms in front of her and secured the other side. Then I led her by the cuffs to the living room.

"Feel free to make yourself at home while you are waiting. I left a movie in the DVD player for you in case you get bored. Hmmm, what am I forgetting? Oh, yes. I remember."

I quickly knelt down and reached under her skirt and slid her panties from her body. I could smell her essence from the second I touched her skin.

"Please, step out of your panties, darling. If I come back too excited I don't want these to be in the way."

I made a show of laying her panties across the coffee table, then stood in front of her looking her in the eyes with my mouth a mere inch from hers. I let the palms of my hands slide roughly up her torso to her breasts. I could feel her nipples pressing against the fabric of her shirts. I started gently squeezing them between my fingers, increasing the pressure until she started to gasp and I could feel her hot breath on my face.

"Enjoy your movie, Lydia. I'll be home no later than midnight."

I kissed her on the cheek, left her standing in the room, and left.

***

I brought flowers to the door of Amy's apartment. When she opened the door I was speechless.

I know that every girl has a little black dress, probably several. Ann Marie always wore hers to special occasions. I can say that I had never seen one that looked as perfect as the one Amy was wearing. The halter top hugged her curves and dramatically plunged at the bust line baring an ample amount of cleavage. She had a small silver chain and locket around her neck and a matching ankle bracelet. Her fingernails and toenails were matched with a deep shade of red. Her hair was perfectly curled around her shoulders and her lips just looked kissable.

I handed her the flowers, a small bouquet of white lilies.

"Wow, you look amazing."

"Thank you, Gavin. For the flowers and the compliment."

My evening with Amy can best be described as romantic. We shared a bottle of wine and some sushi at one of her favorite restaurants. We took a short drive to one of my favorite night clubs for a drink. The tall round booths provided the perfect amount of privacy for a discussion. So we talked.

We talked about our dreams and our future plans. We spoke in general about our thoughts on children and family. We talked about partners and commitment. We clicked. I could feel it. Her eyes were glowing by the end of the night.

We took an early evening stroll through a local park holding hands. For a few minutes we just strolled and enjoyed each other. As we were standing at her apartment door I couldn't help but let the concern show on my face.

"What is bothering you, Gavin?"

"Why me Amy? I am more than a decade older than you, I am a divorcee. Every set of male eyes, and most of the female's, we passed this evening was practically glued to you. You could have anyone you want."

"Gavin, at some point very soon, I am certain you will understand but for tonight, can you live with me simply telling you that you are the one? I know it. There is no other."

"Yes. I can live with that."

Our goodbye kiss was tender and passionate. There was no excess or groping. Just to people letting the other know how much they cared. It ended with Amy's hands on my chest, her eyes on mine and her small giggle filling the hallway.




Finding a Full Circle



"Thank you for a wonderful evening, Amy."

"No, Gavin. Thank you."

She turned to unlock her door. She cracked the door a fraction of an inch before she turned back to me grabbed me by the back of the neck and pulled me down until her lips were by my ear.

"Fuck her, Gavin. Hard."

Then she smiled and left me standing in the hall.

***

I wasn't big believer in organized religion but I had always appreciated the pageantry and community of the big holiday church services. I had to convert to Catholicism in order to get married in Ann Marie's church and I had been a loyal holiday parishioner during our marriage, so it was oddly comforting to be sitting in my former church on an Easter Sunday. I had been a little confused about the starting time for mass and been sitting by myself in the back of the church for about 15 minutes when she sat down beside me.

"This seems like an appropriate place for a confession. Forgive me Gavin, for I have sinned."

"Ann Marie, I forgave you a long time ago. You know that."

"Oh, I suppose I do know that, Gavin. But you forgave me when I didn't deserve it and at a time I wasn't truly repentant for what I had done. But I am now, Gavin, I finally understand the pain that I caused you. If I could, I would give anything to not have betrayed you. Honestly, I always thought you deserved someone better than me. I am so sorry I couldn't be the woman you deserved. And I want to thank you for giving me my family back. Papa told me you were the reason they reached out to me. You are, and always were, such a good person, Gavin."

"Thank you, Ann Marie. I appreciate your apology and you are welcome."

Mass was fine. Easter brunch was filling. But, as the day wore on, I realized that, with Ann Marie and her daughter back where they belonged, there was no place for me in the Santos family. It was time to move on.

There were a couple of tearful goodbyes when it was time for me to leave. I think we all knew what my goodbye really meant. In a moment that brought my journey full circle, Maria Santos hugged me at the door in a manner that indicated that she understood more than she was letting on. When she finally let go she placed her hand on my cheek, closed her eyes, and stood silently for a moment. When she opened them again she spoke in a voice that only I could hear.

"God bless you, mijo. I will miss you."

***

My love life was abnormal. For several months Amy, Lydia and I fell into an odd pattern. We spent an enormous amount of time together as a platonic threesome. If Amy and Lydia had lived with me full time there probably wouldn't have been more than a couple of hours difference in our weekly time together. I was deliriously happy dating Amy, even though we never had sex. There was never more than some significant kissing and light petting between us. We talked about having sex all the time. She would just say that we would both know when the time was right.

I couldn't disagree with her. It just didn't feel like we were ready to take that next step. The truly abnormal part was that she had absolutely no problem with getting me all worked up and then sending me off to Lydia for some relief. Of course, I didn't put up much of a fight.

For her part, Lydia was glowing. Amy told me that from our very first coupling Lydia had told her that I was perfect. Apparently, I was pretty good at reading between the lines. Lydia was a submissive in every sense of the word. She needed to be guided, it made her feel safe and cared for. Amy had guided their day to day activities for years, a role that I slowly assuming. But Lydia also needed to be pushed to her limits physically and emotionally. That role was filled entirely by me. Her sexual release came from being used like an object, humiliated or degraded within reason and infrequently punished. When she was sexually satisfied, her creativity flourished. Her poetry was beautiful, her short stories were riveting. She did better in school and I could see an amazing increase in her self esteem. I would have been more leery of some of our extracurricular activities had there not been such a dramatic improvement in her life. She was just so happy. Amy told me Lydia was happy because no matter what I made her do, or called her or did to her, Lydia always knew that I loved her just as she was.

Apparently, it was the flowers that sealed the deal. I hadn't given any particular thought to giving my girls flowers. It just seemed like an appropriate gesture at the time. I had given Amy flowers at the beginning of our first date and at other random times because it was romantic. Lydia's flowers were more like a thank you, and because of certain circumstances, had to be delivered at a different time.

***

My first real date with Amy was wonderful, but heading back to my condo and to a waiting Lydia, I began to worry that I would not be able to give her what she needed. I shouldn't have worried. 

I can tell you that the most powerful and the most dangerous aphrodisiac is control. I knew from the very first night what a huge leap of faith Lydia had taken to trust me.

She entrusted the use and care of her body to me. It was what she had written about in story after story. She wanted me to push her to the edge of her limits and yet remain in control of myself enough to always keep her from going over that edge. Over the course of the next several months I would spend hours contemplating how to care for Lydia in the very best way, but the first night was all instinct.

I made a point of entering my condo as noisily as possible. I found Lydia sitting quietly in the living room on the edge of the couch with her hands placed formally in her lap. I didn't say a word as I walked over to her and grabbed her by the handcuffs and led her to the back of the couch.

"My God, Lydia, that was a much better way to go on a date. I mean I could ignore all of the stress and worry about trying to get laid and just focus on treating Amy like a lady."

I gently but forcefully bent her forward over the edge of the couch.

"There was no need to try and corrupt such a nice sweet young woman like Amy when I knew I had a slut like you waiting for me at home."

As I spoke I pushed Lydia's skirt up towards her hips exposing her bare ass and pussy, she let out a tiny yelp but did not move an inch.

"Having you here as my personal fuck toy is going to do wonders for my social calendar."

I hastily undid my belt and zipper and dropped my pants and boxers. I reached up and started to gently wrap Lydia's hair in my hand. I started to give it a small tug as I continued.

"Can you even imagine what a relief it is to be able act like a total gentleman, holding a young woman's hand and gently kissing her goodnight, knowing that I can come home and bang the shit out of my own personal whore?"

Lydia started to orgasm almost as soon as my rock hard cock slid into her pussy. I was thankful for that. I had not had sex in such a long time I knew I would blow my top almost immediately. I knew that being used was what turned Lydia on, but I did not want her to go without satisfaction our first time together.

The harder I pulled her hair the louder she moaned. I started pounding into her with maximum effort as soon as my dick was fully engulfed in her juices. Her pussy was hot and wet and tight, though extremely receptive to my efforts. Before long I could feel her juices splashing against my thighs. Her whole body was shaking and her moans were emerging from deep inside her. I didn't last long, but I did hold out until the second that she literally collapsed over the back of the couch. I had to hold onto her hips to keep her from falling over as I emptied myself deep inside her.

I was exhausted after our short escapade, but Lydia had passed out. I was worried for a moment until I could tell that she was breathing normally. I carried her into the bedroom and laid her down softly on the mattress and removed her shoes and skirt. I undid the handcuffs, thankful that the padding had not left any marks on her wrists. Then I retrieved a warm washcloth from the bathroom and wiped the sweat from Lydia's forehead and our combined juices from her thighs and pussy. Her lips were engorged and must have been tender because she moaned as I finished wiping away our mess.

Then I climbed into bed and held her until I fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning, Lydia was still sleeping soundly. I didn't want to disturb her, but that turned out not to be a problem because she was dead to the world. I took a shower, got dressed and placed Lydia's bouquet of flowers on a pillow next to her head.

The anxiety of not knowing how Lydia would feel about me when she woke up was excruciating. When Amy arrived for breakfast and Lydia still wasn't out of bed, I was near panic. When Amy decided to go check on Lydia and didn't come back to the kitchen for almost 40 minutes I knew I was doomed. When Amy emerged from the bedroom wiping tears from her eyes it was confirmed.

It wasn't until Amy crossed the distance between us, wrapped her arms around my neck and tried to stick her tongue down my throat that I started to feel better.

"You wonderful, wonderful man."

When Lydia walked into the room wearing the biggest smile that I had ever seen on her face, cradling her flowers like they were a precious child, I was finally able to take my first full breath of the day. Mission accomplished.

***

Leaving Omaha for the last time was an eye opening experience. I had been telling myself over and over that I had moved past Ann Marie's betrayal of our marriage. I had told myself that I had a new life. I had given myself a fresh start and new career. I had money and I had convinced myself that was enough. But this was what was missing. Real closure and real sense of peace. I knew what I needed now. Happiness.

I made one stop on way home, one store for two purchases. It didn't take long. Having money does have its benefits.

My girls were happy to see me and as had become our custom we all sat down to dinner. Our conversation was light and cheerful. Things were good for us, we had a good life. I was hoping to make it better.

Amy and Lydia cleared the table and went to kitchen to clean and load the dishwasher. I stood behind them for the longest time, just watching them work 

together cheerfully enjoying a tedious task because they were together.

"I know why we haven't had sex yet."

Lydia turned to look at me, but Amy didn't move at all preferring to stay with her eyes glued to the sink.

"When you and I make love for the first time it will because the most important purpose a couple can have is to create life. To give a little bit of each of us for one beautiful and shared goal. That is why we will be together. But you will have an even greater purpose. You will be sharing your beautiful gift to give both Lydia and I what we cannot get on our own. Only you can give Lydia and I what we are missing. You will give us the most important thing a person can give to anyone. A child."

Lydia had a smile on her face but tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I think you have been waiting patiently for me to have that epiphany. And I think you have been waiting long enough."

I dropped to my knee and grabbed the box from my pocket. As I opened it Lydia started jumping up and down quietly clapping her hands. Amy slowly turned to face me with unshed tears in her eyes.

"Amy, will you marry me?"

"Yes, Gavin, I will marry you and I will love you forever with everything I have to give."

In a perfect sense of harmony Amy and Lydia hugged first. It was a perfect example of just how close they were, and how we all needed each other, each with our own unique set of gifts that when put together completed our lives perfectly.

I slipped the ring on Amy's finger and Lydia spoke her approval.

"It is such a beautiful ring, Gavin."

"Oh, I am not leaving you out, darling. You will be a permanent and prominent part of our lives and I don't want you to think for one second that I have forgotten that."

I pulled a second box out of my pocket and opened it so that my girls could see the ankle bracelet with a matching diamond set in the center of a Celtic knot. The three corners of the knot were each set with a birthstone: a ruby, a sapphire and an amethyst.

"Lydia, we love you and we need you. Please don't ever leave us."

Amy was really crying but Lydia was surprisingly calm as I placed the bracelet on her ankle.

"I am home, Gavin. I am not going anywhere."

Then, with a surprising amount of strength, Amy grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet. She kissed Lydia on the cheek as she started dragging me behind her towards the bedroom.

"Amy, honey, where are we going?"

"To practice, Gavin. We need to practice."

Amy made love to me with her whole body that night. I had never even heard of lovemaking that passionate. She never stopped kissing me. She embraced me with her whole being. Our bodies were connected from our lips to our toes for the entire time. We rolled together to change positions. My strokes were powerful, long, and deep. She rolled her hips toward me to meet every thrust.

"I love you, Gavin. So very, very much."

"I love you too, Amy. With all my heart."

***

We were married three months later in a small ceremony. Lydia stood next to Amy, Rothchild next to me. Aiden James O'Conner joined us 6 months later. The twins, Sophia Marie and Steven Michael, arrived a year and a half later. Baby Olivia Rose completed our family 11 months after that.

Our boys looked like me, Sophia looked like a tiny version of Amy, and with a symmetry that could have only been divine, Olivia was Lydia's clone. Their connection was immediate and permanent. Did Amy or I get jealous that Olivia treated Lydia like her only parent and Amy and I like an Aunt and Uncle she was very fond of? Nope. Not for one second.

Amy and I lived as man and wife, but Lydia was never far away. There were never any wild threesomes, but every once in a while Amy would let me know, or I could sense, that I should spend some time with Lydia. Over the years our couplings became less frequent, but never completely stopped, as we got older and the children demanded more of our time and effort.

I had started my journey as a content married man, but I lost it all. My journey back to happiness took quite a while, but I found my place again.

Our lives together were as perfect as any set of relationships could be. I loved Amy, Lydia and our children. Amy loved me, Lydia and our children. Lydia loved Amy, needed me, and treated our children with the love only a mother can provide. Our lifestyle has never been broadcast to anyone, only our very close friends know the truth. And we live very happy lives. Together.