57 comments/ 145493 views/ 22 favorites Everything for the Career Ch. 01 By: HeavyHeartLaments (This part of the story does not contain any sex. If you are waiting for sex, wait till the third part comes out. This is a story of a strong career-oriented woman, who gives up everything, including her sense of responsibility to her husband, her duty towards her family and the security of her future to promote her own career. When she sees her mistake, she tries to make amends. But, is it too late? Note that comments are more than welcome. You can comment on this story or send me an email via the link below.) JENNIFER's SIDE The decision was long overdue. A memo circulated by e-mail to all staff members, just confirmed the same. American Corporation Bank had named me as their new Vice President – International Business. When the e-mail was first circulated in the office, I was simply sitting in my cabin, working. I check e-mails every two hours. So I did not see the e-mail as other people did. However, I could see much movement in the office from my glass door, most of it directed towards me. People smiled and gave me two thumbs up when they passed my cabin. People huddled together, as if in a secret discussion, then they would look towards my cabin, all smiles. I credited it to some client we may have scored. It was only when Shirley, my secretary of seven years, rushed into the room with a big smile on her face that I knew something was up. When she told me what happened, I could not believe it. I still did not believe when I read the memo. It was from Edwards Sterling III. He was the CEO and President of ACB (American Corporation Bank – in short) and did treat me like a daughter. I got up and called Mary, Edward's secretary. When she congratulated me, before putting me on to Edwards, I understood that this was no fantasy. My dream had indeed come true. I, Jennifer Grace, 32 years old, had become the Vice President of a global bank after 18 years of giving it my blood, sweat and tears. I was grateful for the recognition. The position meant everything to me. It was my dream. I lived it every day. Any action I took in the last 18 years, was to further that dream. And today, I had finally achieved it. When Edwards, a serious man, had a smile on his face as I entered the room, I knew the news was true. When he had taken me through the speech of how he and the board members found only me worthy of this position, I was running out of breath. My heart had stopped. I just could not believe it. Finally, in something totally uncharacteristic of me, I let out a small whoop. I could see Edwards grinning paternally towards me. I apologized for the loss of control, but he rubbished it with his hand, saying it was okay to let go once in a while. I could see that he was genuinely feeling happy for me. I had everything now. I had my dream in my hand. I was Vice President! I literally ran back to my cabin, well, actually ran as far as my high heels would allow. The first people I called were my team in Asia, Australia and Europe. I spoke with each of them for half an hour to an hour each. Thanking them, I spoke with them as a team, and even individually. Everyone was so happy for me. I hoped that I had not let my excitement show when I spoke to them. But I think they noticed anyways. I felt that this one time, in my entire 18 years, I needed to express how I felt. And I did. To my team, who had helped me reach where I was today. To my line managers who reported to me, without whose dedication I would not have reached here. To my different departments, who functioned as a cohesive whole, and raised the bar on international deliveries. God, I was so happy today. Next were calls to all close family friends and relatives. Each one reacted positively. They knew how much this meant to me. Everyone congratulated me. They wished me luck and blessed me. I loved every moment of it. I had tried calling Mom and Dad, but they had left a message on the answering machine that they were out to a small local fair and would not be accessible on their cell phones. I'd call them later. Now next were calls to all my important vendors and customers. Of course, they were only too pleased at the developments. They all felt that I would indeed make a good Vice President. By the time I looked up from my watch, it was 2:00 pm. God, it was so difficult to figure out where the time goes by. I was late for lunch. I grabbed my coat and rushed out to get a bite to eat. Not so easy. Edwards stopped me midcorridor. He invited me for lunch, stating casually that a few board members would also like to meet you. He grinned at me, noting that my eyes were wide like saucers. And told me that I would have to get used to meeting important people from now. I was thrilled, nervous and excited at the same time. This was so perfect. Nervously, I excused myself from Edwards, rushed towards the women's room and freshened up. Then I was all smiles as we moved towards his chauffeur driver car, and towards the most expensive restaurant in town. Lunch was good, but brief. I discussed future plans with the board members and everyone seemed genuinely interested in my plans. I rushed back to office around 3:00 pm and faced another barrage of congratulations and well-wishers. The queue of people who wanted to shake my hands and wish me luck over the phone just kept on growing. And I never turned down anyone. I took all calls, answered all queries, accepted all congratulations and kept on going tirelessly. It was so perfect. It was late evening around 7:00 pm when I was finally free from all the meetings and handshaking. I was tired, but felt a warm fuzzy glow inside me. I knew I had my life exactly where I wanted. I thanked Shirley for staying with me extra late to help me dealing with the onrush of congratulations. She just smiled and said she would always be there for me. Around 7:30 pm, I was caught in a traffic jam while returning home. I decided to make that time in the car useful. I called up my parents' house. This time, they were there. Mom answered and I just could not control my feelings. I gushed out everything. The Vice Presidency, the joy, the meetings, everything, it just came on and on like a flood. When I finished speaking I could make out Mom was crying. She composed herself and congratulated me, giving me a couple of kisses over the phone. Dad had been standing on the line too. He blessed me and said that his little princess had all grown up. I could tell from his voice that he was proud of me. I could tell he was trying desperately to stay in control, but was not able to stop the tears coming from his eyes. He knew how badly I wanted that position. He knew how much I had toiled and sacrificed for it. I could feel the tears in my eyes too. All the heartaches and working long hours finally paid off. I got what I wanted. And it was so good. It was the peak. And then my Dad asked, "Honey, does Arthur know about this?" I almost had an accident as I braked the car hard at that question! My God. MY GOD! I was so deep into feeling good about myself and accepting the congratulations the whole day that I had forgotten about informing my husband, Arthur about it! I felt the regret rise immediately from the base of my spine. Guilt filled my heart. What was I thinking? Arthur should have been the first person to know. First person to share the good news with. He was the man I loved the most in this world. He was the man I wanted to grow old with, to hold when I wanted comfort. How could I have missed him? How could I have missed my husband? Just what kind of a wife was I? I found myself getting angry at my obvious lack of oversight of Arthur. Oh GOD! How could I be this stupid? How *could* I forget this? It was the most important event in my life. And I had not told my husband about it. I would never forgive myself for this. Arthur would have heard this by now from outside sources including my relatives. Why did I overlook him, the most important part of my life? I pushed the pedal to the floor out of frustration and sheer stupidity on my part. I wanted to be there home. Hold my Arthur, tell him how much I loved him and how stupid I had been not to inform him first, how I would make it up to him and how he was the most important man on the planet to me. I only hoped that this small forgetfulness on my part would not affect tonight. It had been a perfect day and I did not want one slip on my part to spoil it. As I rushed to our house, my panic turned to relief. The house was dark and no lights were on. Arthur had not even arrived. I felt my body relax. But this was not time to relax yet. Fumbling, I took out the keys from my purse and opened the door. Once inside, I threw the purse, and reached for our phone. Thank God Arthur answered on the second ring. "Hi honey." His voice sounded flat. "Arthur, love, I am so sorry. I forgot to tell you some excellent news. I have been selected as Vice President of International Affairs!! Oh Arthur! This means so much to me. I love you. Come home to me. I want to celebrate with you. Oh Arthur, I am so sorry I forgot to tell you earlier. Please, overlook that mistake honey and come home fast." "Relax. It's okay. Honestly. And congratulations on finally bagging that post. I know you wanted it so badly. You've given your everything to that company. Everything." He said. I thought he placed a lot of emphasis on the last "EVERYTHING" he mentioned. But I did not pay much attention to that fact. The rest of his voice still sounded tired. "If it's ok, can you come home early today?" I asked, not wanting to upset or depress him further. I figured if he were home, I'd be able to snap him out of whatever blue mood he was in. After all, one of my trips during the evening was to "Victoria's Secret". I had gotten a see-through negligee. One of those things Arthur had requested me occasionally but I never conceded. "Okay honey, I'll be there in the next hour. I am working at the moment and this has to go out today." His tone was still flat. I tried to deduce from his tone whether he was angry. I guessed he was not. But his voice did seem a bit flat, almost indifferent, and downbeat. While there was no indication of any anger in his voice at the fact that I informed him about my new position at the end of the day, I was mildly regretful as to why his voice was not upbeat after hearing about his wife's promotion to such an important position. "Are you sure you are not angry?" I asked hesitatingly. "Or upset with me for not telling you earlier?" I could hear him sigh resignedly. "No." Again, the terse reply. But the voice, it bothered me. He was speaking out the words so slowly. It was the voice of a man who had seen the end of the world with his own eyes. I know my husband. And as every married woman will vouch, we can know the state of our man by his voice alone. I thought it was best not to press him further. "Will you be home in the next hour? I've ordered your favorite. Chicken and baked potatoes. And I've also got some champagne." I said, trying to bring back some of the happiness of the day into the night. "OK." Again that sad voice. I could not stand it any longer. "Arthur, why are you sounding so low today honey? Is there some problem?" I asked again. "No. Its work... something I started around 15 years ago... ends today." He said in a flat voice. I did not give much thought to it. Just a fleeting idea wondering what was it that took him 15 long years to complete. But like I said it was just a fleeting moment and in the next instant it was forgotten. "Right honey. Look, I'm sorry to disturb you. But you have forgiven me, haven't you?" I asked, still not convinced that everything was okay. "Yes. I'm not angry with you for anything at all. And congratulations once again for realizing your dream." He said. I thought I detected sadness in his voice. But I decided to put that thought past me and get him to come home. I'd fix him up. I'd give so much of myself that he'd be tired just taking it! "Thanks dear. Come home soon to me. And don't get too tired. You have some work at home too... in our bedroom." I giggled as I spoke. "Look Jennifer, I'll touch base later." And he simply disconnected. I was left with my mouth hanging open, and the telephone receiver still cradled in my ear. This was the first time in 18 years that Arthur had disconnected the phone on me. This was the first time he broke off while I was hinting for sex. He never, ever, disconnected. Never. It was always me who did that. Whether it was the time when the company he worked for was under the threat of being taken over. Or whether it was the multibillion dollar client who was changing his mind at the last moment to shift his account somewhere else. Or whether we had huge fights over my excessive dedication to my career and not enough attention to him, or sometimes I was too tired to have sex with him. Arthur never disconnected on me. What was more discouraging, as I thought more about it, was that Arthur did not even tell me "I love you." His standard closure line, which he told me every time he finished a conversation. And for a moment my heart lurched when I realized that he always called me "Jenny", never "Jennifer." At least not since the day we took our vows and sanctified our relationship. But I decided to overlook it. Maybe I was reading too much into this. He was just tired. And if I were closing something that was open for 15 years, well, I would be jittery too. Maybe it was not going on as planned by Arthur. Maybe his client was not paying in time. Maybe they were asking for more free time. I decided not to be an inadvertent nag. I put the phone in the cradle. I shrugged and decided it was probably his work, an exception to 18 years of predictable behavior. And I attributed his strange, sad tone to a bad day at the office. After all, Arthur was also human. And just because my day today was phenomenal for me, did not mean it would be the same for him. Plus, even if he did not admit, I knew he would subconsciously be hurting that his wife did not call him first. And that he was the last to know. I felt guilty again, but decided that guilt would serve no purpose. Instead, I would let him come home. Then I will show him how much I love him. And just how much he means to me and how much I needed him. I giggled at a mischievous thought. Well, once he came home, he would not be so flat. In fact, he would be positively "horizontal". I would order a fantastic dinner as I had told him and would make love with him. Today, I would even take him in my mouth, something he awkwardly hinted at me to do for 18 years, and something I had always refused, glaring him down when he did suggest that. Today I would give myself to him, do whatever he wanted, in ways I had never done before for him. I may even try anal. I giggled again at that thought. And now that my lifetime dream of becoming the Vice President had been realized, I could even think of becoming a mother. I wanted no less than four children. I giggled again as I thought that means Arthur and I could not waste any more time. I felt good again. Warm inside. I showered, ordered dinner from the best hotel, THE CLUB, and waited for Arthur to come home. I jumped from the chair as I head the doorbell ring thrice. It was what Arthur always did. I ran to the door. I wanted to open the door, jump on him and love him all at the same time. The moment I opened the door for Arthur, I knew my life would change forever. He was a shadow of what I had seen in the morning. His suit was all crumpled. His hair was in disarray, his shoulders were slumped in defeat. His shirt was partly out of his pants. His tie was askew. And then there were his eyes. Dear God his eyes! They were so full of unidentified pain! They were so very sad!! "My God! Arthur!" I screamed. Part in surprise, part in fear. This was not the man I knew so well for 18 years. Arthur never wore flip-flops even when he wanted to get something from a convenience store, and here he was, looking like a street bum. "What happened, my God, HONEY!!??" I was trying hard to control my voice, failing badly, as my mind ran through all kinds of conceivable bad scenarios. And I was fast losing my composure to panic. "WHAT HAPPENED?" I screamed out aloud. He looked at me. My God, he looked SO tired. And so sad. As if the burden of the entire world was on him. As if he had given up on the world and decide not to continue living. Something was seriously wrong here. The spark had disappeared. His eyes were dead. Tired. Red, as if from crying. I also noticed he was still standing in the doorway, not coming in. But what scared me most, was that he was not wearing our wedding ring. "Jennifer," he said to me in a tired voice, "I am divorcing you." And as I simply stood there stunned, trying to understand what he just said, the world came crumbling down my head. Everything for the Career Ch. 02 (This part of the story does not contain any sex. If you are waiting for sex, wait till the third part comes out. This is a story of a strong career-oriented woman, who gives up everything, including her sense of responsibility to her husband, her duty towards her family and the security of her future to promote her own career. When she sees her mistake, she tries to make amends. But, is it too late? Note that comments are more than welcome. You can comment on this story or send me an email via the link below.) JENNIFER's SIDE – Cont'd "Arthur, just because Jennifer forgot to mention her promotion to you, does not mean you should divorce her! Arthur, she LOVES you!!" My father was almost in tears. I had never seen my father in tears except when he lost, or was about to lose, his loved ones. "Do not do this son, it's a genuine mistake on her part. One she regrets. She will never, ever do this mistake again. Son, she's paid enough. She was crying all night son. Please..." my father went off again. I never heard my father saying "please" to anyone other than out of politeness. I have never seen my proud father so defeated. After yesterday night when Arthur, my husband of 15 years, told me he was divorcing me, the ground swallowed me up. I could not think. Could not walk. Could not breathe. Oh God! What was happening? Am I going to pay this heavy a price for not thinking about my husband? I cried for 2 hours after Arthur abruptly left. Between the heaving, racking sobs, I tried as best as I could to call him from my cell, with my shaking hands. Twenty one, I called him twenty one times, and he never responded. My crying intensified. Then, at night around 11:30 pm, after I had managed to calm down enough to stop crying for a while, I called my parents. I tearfully explained to them the situation. Told them he, my husband, had slipped from my mind. Instead of telling him first, I told him last of my promotion to Vice Presidency. That too, late evening around 7:30 pm. That too, when my father asked innocently about whether he knew it or not, else I would *still* not have called him. I prayed to God that night on the suggestion of my parents. It was a long time since I had done that. I did not eat dinner that night. At 4:00 am in the morning, the phone rang. It was my father. "He's coming home honey." My father said simply. "I have convinced him to come to our home. He does not yet want to get into your own home, but he's ready to meet you, me and Ma here. Come soon in the morning." And my heart soared. My God Arthur! Such a big punishment for so small a thing? And I did not wait for morning. I dashed off, took a shower, put on a skirt and blouse that Arthur always liked, just a dash of lipstick and I was speeding on my way to my parent's house. Before I asked or understood why Arthur took so much offense at my neglecting to tell him of my promotion, I wanted to tell him how much I loved him. How much he meant to me. I wanted to bring him home to me. However, a deep instinct inside me told me this would not be over yet. And that I had just scratched the surface. And I kept replaying that conversation I had with Arthur. Just WHAT did he mean by saying he was finishing today what he started off 15 years ago? What did he start? What did he finish? And what did he mean when he said I gave my everything to my career? He made is sound so... wrong! Could it be that he suspected me to... well, grant someone private favors to climb up? And I pressed the accelerator just that bit harder at that thought. Now here we were, my father almost in tears. Asking Arthur to forgive a genuine mistake. My mistake of not telling him first. Trying to convince him that it did not imply a lack of love or respect. It was just that. A genuine, terrible mistake. Which I would never do again. I looked at my father and back at Arthur and then back at my father as he pleaded his case. Ma was standing by my father's side. Her eyes were misted and she was twisting her apron. She did that when she was very scared. Our coffees cups lay untouched. What was scaring me most then, was Arthur was unmoved in his decision on our feelings during the whole conversation. Normally, he and my father got along like a house on fire. If my father was a little upset, I'd bet that Arthur would leave no stone unturned to cheer him up. And yet today, he just kept on staring at my father. Just staring. Registering no emotion. And his eyes. Dear God in heaven! They were so sad. What was going on? "Son," my mother said softly. "Son, please do not do this to our daughter. She is our life. She has nothing but love for you, son. She has loved you since high school. You are the only one she has loved." She continued, trying hard not to lose control and sob. And when my mother said that. Specially the last sentence, my mind clicked. OH MY GOD! That is why he was so angry! That is why he wanted a divorce! THAT IS WHY HE SAID I HAD GIVEN MY EVERYTHING TO THE CAREER!! MY GOD! Arthur thought I had an affair with someone!!! He thinks I have SLEPT my way to the top! He thinks I am cheating!!" "NO!" I screamed, instinctively to my thought. So hard, even Arthur snapped his head to look in my direction. "Arthur, I never cheated on you. I love only you! My God, where did you get that idea? How could you even think of this? I have never done it. I know why you want that divorce now! You think I am sleeping my way to the top. Arthur, please. Know this, I love you. Only you. And I am where I am only through the sacrifices. Yours and mine. Ours. And our strength and love for each other. Arthur, I swear!!! I never even looked at anyone that way. Please! Arthur you HAVE to believe me! GODDD!!!" and I burst out crying. Blubbering, barely coherent words got through my mouth as I was crying. Loud. Hard. The past hours grief washing over me. Taking over me like a tide. I could vaguely feel my mother rushing to my aid as I slid down the chair crying. "I belong only to you. I love you. I am only yours. Only yours. Nobody else' I never cheated. I am only yours." I kept on repeating. Again and again. I tried to focus on Arthur through the mist of my tears and the pain in my heart. Why did he think this way? I had never given him an opportunity to think this way. I loved only him. Did someone fill his mind with this venom? Did he mistake some action of mine as indicative of me cheating on him? Had he overheard part of some conversation, implying from those fragmented sentences that I did not love him? What? "Arthur, please.ee.ee.... I LOVE YOU!" I screamed, as if screaming would make the truth stand out more boldly. I was in tears and heaving between breaths, alternating between telling Arthur how much I loved only him and never cheated on him, to how much me meant to me, when he sighed and walked to me. He took my face in his hands, and brought his lips to mine. My eyes flew open at what he was doing. Our lips met. Lightly. It felt like a scrape of cold steel against marble. It was devoid of all warmth or life. I was shocked as I had never felt any other way, but good, whenever Arthur kissed me. He shook his head from side to side, as if I were unable to grasp what he was getting at, then he looked at me with those sad eyes, and walked towards the main door. He opened it, paused as if he were considering something. Then turned to us and spoke. "Mother, father, I am not angry that Jennifer told me last. It is natural. This position was what she worked for 18 years for. Sacrificed so much for. Wept so much for. So when she got it, she naturally was not in a frame of mind to go about this logically. She just followed her heart. That does not mean at all that she does not love me or does not respect me." I stared at him. What was he talking? I glanced a look at my father and mother. They were following Arthur's words slack jawed. Confused, not comprehending what Arthur was telling him. After all this time, they had thought the reason Arthur wanted a divorce was because I told him the last. And as if in answer to that question, Arthur replied, "Do you consider me so petty a man that I would divorce my wife over her just genuinely forgetting to tell me of the promotion? In fact, I do not even give this thought the significance that you think it deserves." I started to speak, but he held up a hand. He had done that only twice in our entire 18 years. "And I have always trusted my wife. What she is, where she is today, is only, and only, because of her hard work. Her dedication. Her ethics and morals. She has given her blood and tears for it. Made supreme sacrifices for her career. Such a woman would not, cannot cheat." He continued. And I got more confused. Is THAT also not what he was angry for? I thought he was angry because I told him last, or that he thought I was cheating. My God! Arthur, what is happening? "I know Jennifer loves me. And would never cheat on me. Ever." He replied sadly. "And that's what makes this harder." "Then... then... WHY?" I blurted out. "Why Arthur, why? Oh GOD! WHY? Where have I gone wrong? Is there something I did or said that I shouldn't have? Arthur, I am sorry. Whatever it was honey, I am sorry. I don't know it, and I don't want to know it. If it hurt you I am sorry. Please..." I cried. Then he smiled at me. Oh my God! It was the SADDEST thing I had ever seen in my life. His smile... it was sadder than his eyes. "If you cannot feel that, then I don't think explaining will help. You must feel, not understand. Jennifer, I had hoped you *would* feel. After 15 years, after sharing our souls and bodies together you should feel. I That is why I came here. You never felt it Jennifer, did you?" "And no. I do not have an affair myself. Nor am I stricken with any diseases that will eventually take my life." He added. He took a deep sigh, then walked out of our house. Leaving my parents crying, and the second time the world collapsed on my head. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "Spit it out Jenny!" My father was very angry. "I know that man. He would never do something this bad until you did something stupid. And I want to know what it is!" my father pressed on, forcefully. I looked bewildered. I did not know what to speak. Here was my husband of 15 years, walking out on me, and my family talks to me as if I were the cause of that? "I don't know Dada." I said. "And if I have done something without realizing how it affects Arthur, I am still ready to apologize. But I do not know what I have done that Arthur is so mad at me to divorce me." I added firmly, my liner still running as my tears were now beginning to dry. That seemed to take out the sails from my father's bluster. He too was going through mixed feelings right now. Mother recognized that instantly and took his hand. "Honey, this is not the time for a postmortem. We need to get back our daughter's life back on track. Then we can see where we went wrong. Why don't you take your usual walk?" As she said this, she firmly took my father's hand and led him out of the living room. Her eyes asked me to wait till she returned from the door. When she did, she was a mother protecting her brood. "Honey, no matter what. You have to go after Arthur and get him back. Do not, I repeat, do not leave him alone! You don't know what he will do! Run after him!" she added forcefully. "I would suggest you call him up immediately and talk to him personally. Ask him to meet you. No matter how many times he declines, don't give up. Be persistent. But don't allow this to happen. Talk, run, beg or plead, fight, but get Arthur to talk back and meet him. Go right now! Go sweetie!" She said with stern conviction and went back to check whether Dada had returned. It was already 11:00 am and I was devastated. I went up to my room. I had already decided that I would change, then call Arthur. If he did not answer, then I would go to all his and our mutual friends and find out where he was. If nothing, I'd call 911 and report him missing! He would be angry, but at least I would know where he is and I could go and get him. Get my Arthur and resolve this horrible mess. I massaged my neck and decided to call Arthur. I decided to call him from my mobile that I had place on the table when I entered the house earlier today in the morning. That is when I saw my mobile blinking. I realized that since last night after Arthur had dropped the bombshell on me, I had not looked at my mobile at all. The light shone briefly, as I had it on silent and no vibrating. I rushed to it, thinking it could be Arthur. When I reached the desk, it had stopped blinking. But when I picked it up I saw it was from my bank. There were 14 missed calls and 20 messages! Dear God! Another problem!! The events of the last night were so hard on me, so consuming, I had almost forgotten that I had an international department to run. I could understand my personal life and Arthur were important to me. But I could not let innocents suffer because of my personal strife. My nonaction would cause the bank I worked for to suffer, which I did not want. So, the next 3 hours were spent in discussing, resolving and negotiating from home. In this time, I had stopped from being an about-to-be-divorced housewife, to a Vice President, who had international commitments. My head was clear, tears dried down and frankly, it was as if the events had never happened. It was tough. Sitting at home without a laptop and your documents, it difficult to do the deals. But I was tough. I had lots of training. I made lots of sacrifices to gain knowledge. If there was anyone, only I could do it. After all if I did not do it, who would? It was my responsibility. It was my... My mind stopped its thought process when I saw my mother standing, with a sad look on her face. I looked up and saw behind her, my father had not yet come from his walk" "What happened Ma?" I asked her, worried, seeing that sad look on her face. "Is Dada ok? What is it?" As I asked her, I saw her expression getting sadder and sadder. "Ma?" I screamed, more a pleading than an outburst. "What is it? Why are you looking at me like that? WHAT HAPPENED?" I could barely make out the words as her sobbing started. "I can see why he is divorcing you Jenny." And she walked away, leaving me stunned. My mouth hung open when the realization hit. The force of that realization took the wind out of my sails. It was as if someone had just poured ice-cold water over my head! Just what in the hell was I doing? My 15 years of marriage was on line and I was fucking cutting international deals? My reconciliation meeting was a failure and I was talking two continents apart on the new schedules and figures? Dear God! Is THIS what Arthur had been talking about "feeling"? Was I *so* immersed in my job, that EVERYTHING had become secondary? Everything? Had I become so insensitive? Was I behaving like a wife whose husband just walked out on her? And precisely that moment, I *FELT* what Arthur meant when he said you never felt it. At the same time, I was confused. Mixed up emotions ran through me. How DARE he divorce me just like that, just who did he think he was? But why did I not pay attention to him? Why did I focus so excessively on the job? Was he jealous of my position? But he was never that type. Was that a result of the primitive male ego who could not handle a woman's success? But his business made more money that I ever could! But at the same time, was a woman not entitled to success? What happened to those women whose husbands were so successful, they hardly had time to come home? Was that not sacrifice on the woman's part? Why can a man not take this when roles are reversed and so on. So many confusing thoughts. Each thought was replaced by a counter-thought which itself was replaced by others. I could not believe it. I was out of control!! I decided it was time to admit I was way in over my head on this one. I could not trust myself or anything I did. It was time to take advice from a more experienced person. Somebody who would put a proper perspective to all this. Someone who would understand what I was going though, because he had seen and dealt with this for almost a lifetime now. So I called up Edwards Sterling III. Told him my story. And he agreed to meet me when I wanted to. And yes, I could come today itself. I went to my mother downstairs. She was cooking silently. Dada had also come in by now. He was moping around the kitchen table, as usual. I took a deep breath and said "Guys, I am going out." My mother almost instantaneously asked me "Where to? Another deal to complete?" I could easily recognize the sarcasm in the voice. I could, also, as easily, recognize the concern for me and my future. "To put things right." I said steadily. "And how do you propose to do that? You know Arthur. Once he's decided on something, he'll stay put." Added my father sadly. He had lost much of his temper and was looking pretty deflated. "I don't know. But first, I have got to put things right with myself." I said. Kissing them, I walked out of the door. I was sure I heard my father say "God be kind to my Jenny." as I closed the door and walked to my car. I started the car and went off in the direction of my office. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The first five minutes were total silence. If you think that five minutes of silence is nothing, you should experience it when you are on the receiving end. That day, I was sitting opposite Edwards Sterling III. It had been around 45 minutes since I was with him. I had already explained my predicament to him again, in person. I told him how much I love Arthur. And how much I love the job. And leaving one thing for the other would be a compromise that I could never accept. Yet, at the same time, divorce would kill me. Seriously, if Arthur divorced me, I would commit suicide. He was MY Arthur. I had cried at least twice and Edwards face did not register any emotion yet. I also spoke to him about my feelings. Mixed up, unable to decide what is right and wrong. Incapable of deciding in my personal life with the same ease that I closed multi-million dollar deals with. I also asked him several questions. Why did Arthur do this? Was he insecure? Was I really that focused? Did Edwards think I never spent enough time with my husband? What should I do? Will he really divorce me? Why does he want all that attention? Is that not the male ego? Is a woman's place really in the kitchen? Did he grudge me my success? Why do I feel so afraid of losing him? Should I leave my job? Will he come back to me then? The five minutes of silence were after I had asked all the questions. After making me feel awkward for a long time, Edwards finally spoke. "Jennifer, I cannot answer your questions for you. I am sorry. Only you can answer them." He said, matter-of-factly. I was crestfallen. Here I was hoping that his maturity and perspective could guide me on this journey. Show me some light where I had previously been groping in the dark. And now he was telling me that he could not answer any of my questions? "But I can show you a view about yourself that you have never seen. I hope that view will attempt to answer some your questions." He added. My hopes rushed to the top again. God please! If there was one chance in a million that his statements answered some of my questions, showed me the path, got my Arthur again, I would be eternally indebted to him. I was nodding my head sharply in affirmative. He began. "How long have you been married to Arthur?" he asked. "15 years." I replied. "Well, actually 14, but we moved around I was only 17. But I consider that as if I were already married to him. Well, actually if you guess, it would be when I was 18-ish or so." I replied. Everything for the Career Ch. 02 He seemed pleased by my answer. "How long have you been working for the First Corporation Bank Jennifer?" "Around 18 years now." I replied, without hesitation. Edwards seemed to shake his head in disappointment at that answer. His eyes kind of saddened at that answer. "No Jenny, how long have you been really working in this bank?" he quizzed again. "Well, 18 years" I said, more forcefully. "You know it Edwards. You got me in, remember?." I replied, wondering why he was asking this question when he already knew the answer. He sighed, then asked again, "Jenny, let me put this another way. How long have you been working in my bank since you got your appointment letter from me?" I was thoughtful. I never had thought of it this way. "Well, if you put it that way, I'd say I'm in this bank for around 8 years after the appointment letter, I'd guess... but I was working with you for about 9-10 years before I got that appointment letter. So I'd say roughly around 18 years." I said again. "Jenny, how old are you?" He asked, his tone still tinged with sadness. "Me? I'm 32. Why?" I asked. "Jenny, you worked with me for 18 years, and you are 32 years old. Can you not see the problem Jenny?" He asked sadly. I could see things somewhere far off on the horizon. Things were a massive blur, but somewhere deep in my subconscious, there was a light coming on. "Well...um.... Let me see" I was trying to calculate and find out if there was any hidden meanings in that question of his. "14 years." He said simply, without waiting for me to reply. "If you are 32 years old, and have been working for me for 18 years, you would be employed in the bank when you were 14 years old Jenny." He said. I swallowed as hard as I could. "But Edwards, you KNOW that I was working with you since I was 14, don't you?" I asked. It was true. I really started working at 14. Why was he denying that? "Jenny," he said softly, "You were my friend's daughter. All you did in my bank before the appointment letter was 2 hours of fetching newspapers and magazines for the staff members. They treated you as their daughter. Nothing more." He added, remembering the time. "Well, that's true, but I also helped you out on so many things other than 2 hours of delivering newspapers. I spoke with your staff, I helped them!" I said, my voice now raising. "Yes, but simply as a friend. Speaking to cashiers after 2 hours of magazines does not qualify you as an employee. Jenny, I'd be sued by over a dozen organizations if I took someone in employment below 18 years!" He added. "That's not fair Edwards! I told you I was like an employee since I was 14 years old. I studied, did my MBA but still worked for your bank at least 2 -3 hours every day." I screamed. "How can you forget that?" "Jenny, allowing a friend's daughter to spend 2-3 hours at my bank does not qualify you as employee. You cannot use that as experience." He was egging me on. He was making me angry. "You are ungrateful!" I shouted. "I worked with you for 18 years. That's it! Part time or full time or whatever. I WAS ASSOCIATED WITH FCB SINCE I WAS 14 YEARS OLD." I shouted again, almost close to tears for the third time. "Jenny, why do you feel the need to say you worked for 18 years, when stating that you worked for 8 would actually be more accurate?". His words cut through me like a knife. I had enjoyed my work since I was 14 and here he was, asking me to be politically correct. "Because I love this bank! And every day when I stayed here for 2 hours were the best in my life!! Because I would give anything for this bank you ungrateful bastard!!!!" I let go, sobbing and heaving. "YOU BASTARD!!" I screamed. "OH GOD!!!" I said and began crying. Edwards pushed the pile of tissues towards my end of the table again. "Jenny, why do you want to say you worked more years that you actually have. Why Jenny?" he asked. I could not answer. Why did you love your mother? There was no answer. You just loved her. Similarly, whenever someone asked me a question when I joined FCB, my answer would always be 18 years. I loved that bank. "Because I love FCB, Edwards. It's my life." I added. This time, I was positively bawling. Thankfully, he stopped asking question then. When I had reasonable calmed down, Edwards asked me a question, that would forever change my image of myself. "Even more than Arthur?" he asked softly. I snapped up. What did he just ask? "I asked," repeated Edwards, "do you love FCB more than Arthur?" A chill went up my spine. I paused in mid-bawl. Something began telling me I was wrong from the start, but I could, only now, begin to see a shape to that. "You see Jenny," continued Edwards slowly, "you love FCB so much, that you get upset when someone tells you, you have been working for fewer than 18 years. Why this unhealthy obsession with FCB Jenny?" He carried on. "You met Arthur when you were 17 years and after a year of moving around you guys got married. But when someone asks you your marriage years, you INCLUDE the year of moving around." He added. "Don't you see Jenny, you are having an unhealthy dose of commitment to everything you do. The word for that, Jenny, is called 'Obsession'." He said, finally. And I slumped against my chair. So THAT was it! THAT is why FCB got more share of my time, my life, my love. I was unhealthily committed, or obsessed, as Edwards called it, with the bank. "It's true Jenny that whatever gives you happiness during childhood is forever etched in your memory as pleasant. In your case it was the bank. The bank gave you so much good memories Jenny, that you forgot to move on." Added Edwards sadly. I looked at him stunned. My heart instinctively felt what he was telling was true. My God. MY GOD! What have I done to my life? What had I done to my Arthur? What had I done to my family?? The bank was my fountain of happiness. But why did I forget to move on? My breath caught in my chest. It was as if someone tied me to the chair. I was hyper ventilating. Dear lord in heaven. What had I done? In an instant, my entire married life flashed before me. The number of times I had denied Arthur, the number of times the bank got priority over him, the number of times I ignored him, the number of times I looked at fulfilling contracts while ignoring his needs. My god! I could not stand myself. A taste of bitter bile rose in my mouth. What had I done? How could I have been so blind? "Jenny, can't you see what's happening?" He asked in a tone my father would have used on me when I committed a mistake that was too serious for him to get angry about. A tone when he would use when I was stubborn, unmoving and refusing to see reason. "You have made FCB the focus of your life. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING gets between you and FCB. Solve problems? FCB First. Find out tastes and dislikes? FCB first. Priority? FCB first. Sick department or sick husband? Department first. Jenny, you have made a mess in your obsession with FCB." He said sadly. But I was already zoned out of what Edwards was saying. He sounded so far off. It was like a dream. All I was thinking while he went on talking was why did I not realize that I was obsessed with FCB and my career? Why did I not realize that while it was not necessary to sacrifice my career for my husband, it was also NOT necessary to sacrifice my husband for the job. Why was I such a failure in my love life and such a success in my professional one? Were profession and love two scales? Tip one and the other is affected too? Just what had I done? And how could I have been so blind to it? "..ny...jenny...JENNY!" screamed Edwards. My reverie was interrupted as I snapped back in this world and in on Edwards again. "Jenny, are you OK? You seemed to faint. Your eyes were way up your sockets." he asked, a concern writ large on his face that only a father could have for his children. "yes.. ye.. yeah! My God Yes. Edwards! What have I done? Just What the hell have I done to my life Edwards?" I screamed, looking at him beseechingly. "Jenny, I hope that you see the light after what I explain..." he continued, but I interrupted him. "Edwards, I think I got it. It's still hazy at the moment, but I get the idea. I understand where I have messed up. In fact Edwards, I think I have messed up in the last 15 years now.." I said as I got up to go. "Where are you going?" he asked. "To save my marriage. And make it up to Arthur. Edwards, I need your blessings today." I uttered. "You have them child. You always did." He muttered, his eyes going all paternal on me. I opened the door and rushed out off the office and the building. I knew what had happened. I now wanted my Arthur back. And by god, I would make it up to him. Everything for the Career Ch. 03 (Hello all. And a big apology to all for getting this out so late. All parts of this story were written together, but I managed to find the time to flesh this part out only recently. Too busy with my real life, actually. I appreciate that many have told me they would like to see this story concluded. And as many have rightly pointed out, its not fair to start a story and then leave it halfway. Rest assured that was never my intention. I also understand that for people who have already gone through my first and second parts and then waited and waited and waited for the third may not quite get the same feeling that they did whilst reading the first and second parts as the time gap between them was too long. In that event, to get up to mark again, I'd suggest you read the first and second part again. That should, if nothing else, get you in the mood. Again, thanks for the support. Your communications and comments are what inspired me. As always, bricks and roses to heavyheartlaments) ------------------------------------------------ ARTHUR'S SIDE This was the first time in 15 years, that I had been without seeing Jennifer for so long. I sadly realized that this may well be the last time I am ever going to see Jennifer as my wife. I was divorcing her. Someone who is unfamiliar with my history, may be surprised that I was divorcing Jennifer over something as simple as her paying more attention to the career, after all, every couple goes through a time when either spouse pays more importance to the career. But therein lies the catch. The key here is 'goes through a time' rather than 'all the time', which was what it was in my case. It was not that I was not sympathetic enough or supportive enough of my wife in her endeavors to reach the Vice Presidency, which was her life time career goal by the way. Its just that her passion for the post came at the cost of our married life, our sex life, including our agreement to not have children till she had achieved her goal. Its also not that I did not try to keep up with her demands. Most times, I did. When I did not, very occasionally, I apologized for my insensitivity and our life moved ahead. But the problem was that for 15 long years, the sacrifices seemed to be one-sided. I was the one who seemed to be making them. Oh yes, there were superficial sacrifices that Jennifer made, like canceling a important client meeting because it was our wedding anniversary and so on, but I got the impression that somehow she cancelled only those meetings that were really unimportant, and she touted that it was important only because Jennifer wanted to show me that she cared about me. And let us not go into the time where she was at my side in the hospital as I suffered from jaundice, for just one day, while I was there for 2 weeks, my nurses and doctors feeling and caring for me more than she did. In case you didn't realize, after the one day of staying by my bedside, she was flying to Philippines the next day, to oversee the first month of operations of the new branch opened there. What FCB called its 'first foray' into Asia Pacific. "You will recover and there are people to look after you here, nurses, doctors and so on, but if I miss the first month of the opening of the branch, and something goes wrong, the entire reputation of FCB will take a hit and we will have started on a wrong note in Asia Pacific, which is a very important market for us. Would you please understand?" Of course, what's a man to say to that, so I let her go. And this was not the first time such a request arose from her. But that was the first time when I felt whether I had taken a correct decision in marrying her. The first time I questioned my commitment to her dreams. Was it not going a little overboard? Little did I know that this thought would really be proved an understatement compared to the rest of my life. And so life went on, with me doing everything I could to see her realize her dreams. And with her, also doing everything to realize her own dreams. Thinking back, I realize she had only asked me thrice during our entire married life what I wanted to do in life. I really have no idea how I finally decided upon to divorce her. I guess the little bits that grew up over the years finally culminated into this decision. I had really reached my limit. So since last year past, I had firmly resolved to divorce her. I had a very profitable business, and had no qualms sharing it equally with Jennifer. I loved Jennifer, but I didn't have enough fuel in me to go like this for the rest of my life. I had reached the end of the road. Divorce it would be. And the last week's incident of where she was promoted to Vice Presidency and informed me last, just reinforced my belief that I was taking a correct decision. It was, of course, entirely coincidental and unplanned that the day I chose to tell her about the divorce, was the day she was promoted. Maybe I should have stopped and thought about it. Maybe now that she had achieved her career lifelong ambition, she would realize that she was married and also had a duty towards her spouse. But I wouldn't place my bets on it. After so many years, why would she change? And I was too tired to second guess. So I decided to go ahead with it. Would this put a monkey wrench in her happiness? I really didn't care. I did not hate her. I just felt exhausted from all this life. I just wanted out. I was really surprised the way our discussions went, my informing Jennifer, her calling out to me for a reconsideration, her parents trying to convince me of her mistake, which, of course was the totally wrong thing as that was not what took me on the road to consider divorce! My God, how misguided they were. They thought I was leaving Jennifer because she told me of the most important event in her life, last. And Jennifer thought I assumed she reached the top by sleeping her way with her senior management. What hurt me most however, was that neither mys not Jennifer saw or understood what the problem was. And I was too tired to explain. Let God sort them out. I was not interested in a reconciliation. I was not interested in a catharsis. I was not interested in a revelation. I just wanted out because I was tired of being the one to step down in the mud for 15 long years. I left all of them crying as I banged the door and walked towards my car. I could hear my father-in-law screaming at Jennifer that it must be her fault, but really, he didn't have a clue and neither did Jennifer and my mother-in-law. And at this point, I really didn't care whether they would go through the rest of their lives having an misunderstanding about me or that the would never know why I really left them. I just wanted out of this marriage. ----------------------------------------- JENNIFER'S SIDE I walked out of Sterling's office, armed with a boatload of guilt and the desperate need to make up to my husband. But just how do I make up 15 years worth of anguish that I have caused him? How do I bring back those times he wanted to be with me and I was in the office working my ass off, trying to clinch that Vice Presidency position before someone else did? How can I repair the damage caused to my life where I have put the most important thing in my life, my husband, at the very bottom of the hierarchy of what I do? I had no idea. And that was worrying me sick. I knew my Arthur very well. He always was very patient. But I am afraid my complete lack of empathy for his feelings and total disregard for our married life had pushed him over to the decision he had taken. 15 years is no small time by any reckoning. And most importantly, I was afraid whether I would be able to mend my relationship with him, the relationship that I should never have let go in the first place, afraid that it was already damaged beyond repair. Just what had I done to my life? I felt hot tears scald my cheeks again. I hated myself right now more than anyone else. And let us not even talk about the weight that I had on my shoulders brought on by my guilt. But I forced those thoughts away as I caught myself from crying too much. Not here. Not in the reception. There would be a time for tears. There would be time for regrets. There would be time to beg for forgiveness, if need be, on my knees, but now, there was only time for action. I had to convince my Arthur that I understood now, how much it must have hurt to be ignored and be given a second class treatment for 15 years. To tell him that to hell with FCB and my Vice Presidency, I would put him on a pedestal and worship him forever, if he would, but, come home. But I knew that would not be so easy. Not this time. Arthur had been pushed over the edge by my inconsiderate behavior once too many times, but this time he was not coming back. I ignored the chill as it raised itself in my spine and decided to do something about my situation rather than bemoan about it. I would make it up to Arthur for the rest of my life. But before I did that, I had to find him. I stood there at the reception for God knows how long. It was only when the cold air began freezing me that I realized I had to move. The weather had turned cold. But it could not match the cold, gnawing feeling in my gut that I may, just may, have to get used to living without Arthur, get used to living a life of loneliness. Just me and my Vice Presidency. And my realization of what I had done crystallized even further in my heart. I could not waste any more time. I drove home as fast as possible. Once I reached there, I called Bernie. "Jenny? Long time no hear from you girl! How's it going? Heard you made it to VP! And how's old Rock face?" He asked jovially. Rock face was Bernie's name for Arthur. That's because Arthur took his business very seriously. It was the only thing he never did, or allowed others to, joke about. Bernie had tried a couple of times, and every time Arthur came away stone faced. Hence the name. But it was all in good humor. "So, you guys house hunting or what?" He asked. "Bernie, Arthur has left me Bernie. I need your help Bernie!" I spoke into the receiver. Straight to the point. "What...? How did that happen... I mean, you guys....Arthur... Shit! What happened Jenny?" He asked. Completely disbelieving what he had just heard. "Look Bernie, I'll update you later. But if I don't find Arthur now, I may get divorced Bernie!" I said, my voice beginning to crack. "Divorced? You? With Arthur? Jenny? Child? What just happened?" He was also raising his voice now in concern. "Bernie... Please. I need your help. I'll tell you everything in due course but right now every moment counts!" I reiterated again. "Of...Of course Jenny! Whatever you say! What do you want?" He asked me. "Bernie... Arthur has left me. But I know he is somewhere in this city. You are the city's largest real estate agent. You know not only people in property, but also guys from motels, hotels, inns and everywhere else... No hotel or motel will tell me if Arthur is there as its a violation of their guests privacy, but you they know! They'll tell you if Arthur is staying there Bernie. Bernie, I need you to find Arthur... I need you to find my Arthur for me Bernie, please!" I was almost crying now. "Jenny, relax!" he said, "Now listen, you are like a daughter to me. I do not know what happened between you guys, but I swear I'll find where Arthur is put up Jenny. You can count on that. Relax. And don't cry for God's sake!" He continued, with steel in his voice. "Thanks Bernie... I don't know how I can repay this favor?" I said, my voice sad. "Just... Just be together guys, that'll be the best favor you can give me, okay?" He said. "Sure. Thanks Bernie. And Bernie... you will be able to find him... will you not?" I asked. After the events of last week, I was not sure of anything. "Don't worry Jen. Just give me three hours. I'll get him for you." He said. "As soon as a sixty-five year old man can" he added. I knew the last sentence was just to cheer me up. "And don't worry Jenny, he'll come back. Heck! He must be missing all that great sex from you eh?" He said, I knew it was to make me feel good. "Thanks Bernie!" I said and put the receiver down. Tears stained my cheeks. I did not have the heart to tell him that for the past six months or so, we had not had sex. As I knew the Vice Presidency was within my grasp, whatever scraps of sex I allowed Arthur before that also stopped as I dedicated myself mind, body and soul to its pursuit. I felt like trash. Guilt overwhelmed me again like a tidal wave. I swore I'd let Arthur fuck me everyday for the rest of my life if he came back to me. The call came five hours later and I was a nervous wreck by then. "Jenny? Listen up, its me, Bernie. I've got it. He's staying at 'The City'. Its the hotel bang opposite the super mall. Do you know it or should I give you to complete address?" He said. "I've got it Bernie." I said and disconnected. I knew which super mall he was talking about. It was the same one I had been to with my international guests at their end-of-trip shopping. The one which I had to attend, even at the cost of canceling my presence along with Arthur at his ceremony by some organization for giving him the 'Outstanding Businessman of the Month' award. I felt my tears start up again. God, this could NOT be. You had to give me SOME sense? At this point, I wouldn't marry me. God Arthur, what have I put you through? I almost started to get dry heaves, but I controlled myself. I had to go and get my Arthur back. Talk to him. All this could come later. And by God, better believe it, I was ready to fall at his feet and beg his forgiveness if it meant he would talk to me. But I just had to get my Arthur to talk to me. I calmed myself, took a bath and put on fresh lipstick. Arthur hated it when I put rouge or mascara. And a simple blouse and skirt. Something which Arthur loved. And I was on my way towards my life's most important objective. To get my Arthur back. As I drove, I began thinking of a way to approach Arthur. While it was good to think that I could fall at his feet, cry a lot and he would forgive me, it really was highly unlikely of happening. And even if I did physically fall at his feet, I had my doubts he'd still be moved. 15 years of anguish was goddamned too long a time to be able to washed over by a few days of apologies and serious talks. This time, I knew persistence had to be the key. I realistically estimated that if we got along to only talking like before, on normal terms, within a year also, I would be happy. Also, no matter my tone, no matter what words I used, no matter how much I showed him I understood, he would still not be interested in making up with me. Not this time, so I had to be ready to give him lots of space and at the same time be ready for his every wish and whim. Show him that he was and would be henceforth, the single most important thing in my life. I would make up with him as I went along with him, do whatever he wanted, but for now, I just had to get him to talk. That's all. Just talk. I reached the super mall, parked my car, and walked towards the hotel. I wanted to talk to Arthur. And I did not want to take even the slimmest of chances that he would see my car and get out of the hotel before we could talk. I approached the reception and the man sitting there was reading some newspaper. I waited to get his attention then tapped on the reception table. He put the paper down, looked at me and grinned. "Our boy sure is hot tonight, isn't he?" He winked at me. "I beg your pardon?" I said, my voice suddenly very cold. "Aw... Come on lady. I know that Arthur guy asked for you. He's already had two women coming daily since the last five days." He looked at me with triumph. I was frozen with fear and a long tendril of doubt crept up my mind. Was he... was he talking about MY Arthur? God. No! This cannot be! My Arthur was a decent man. An upright man. He would never call a ... Well, a prostitute or an escort for sex. Never! No! NOT MY ARTHUR! My mind was reeling! This cannot be happening to me. What if it was indeed my Arthur? Can he be capable of this? And then I thought about all the times I had ignored his needs, preferred sleep over having sex with him, gave priority to understanding the business laws in Asia rather than finding out what turned my man on, and I felt the chill overcome me again. I was his wife. And he had to have forsaken others only for me. But then, when was the last time I did my wifely duties? When was the last time I sat with him and discussed what turned him on? When did I last have sex with him not because he wanted it, but because I wanted it to be good for us? And I began realizing that this problem ran far deeper that I thought it would. "...oor! Okay?" The man said. I snapped out of my trance. "What?" I asked him. "I said, Room No. 13, second floor! Got that?" He asked. "Yes... I... I got that!" I said. "Good. Go right up. And hey babe, he's already got those two back again inside. Dunno what he eats, eh?" He mentioned and returned back to reading his newspaper. I was frozen by indecision. What if it was indeed my Arthur? No, it cannot be! But I had to see for myself. So I decided to go ahead. With shaky knees, I climbed up the stair and stood before Room No. 13. I knew one thing as I stood there near the door. If it was indeed my Arthur, I would just die. I would just fall there and die. No questions about it. I took a deep breath and knocked at the door. The door was open, so during my first knock itself, it open slightly ajar. I waited but no one seemed to respond or take notice. So I pushed it with my hand gingerly and stepped inside. My face flushed as I could hear sounds of what was, very clearly, somebody fucking. I swallowed my fear and approached the bedroom. The door was slightly ajar. As I neared it, I could hear moans, grunts and the sweet sick sound of a wet pussy swallowing up a cock and spitting it out again in an age old ritual of procreation. I could hear the bed creaking and a rhythmic clank of metal against the wall. I realized, much to my chagrin, that it would be the metallic plank of the headboard banging against the wall. Whoever were fucking inside, they were doing a very vocal and hard job of it. I approached the bedroom as quietly as possible and then craned my neck to see the sight inside. I pulled my head back immediately, my heart in my throat and hot tears stinging my eyes. My heart was crushed and I could not breath. Dear God. MY LIFE WAS OVER!!! There was no doubt. I saw it with my own eyes. God, I wish I could take the burning image out of my mind! It was my Arthur. MY ARTHUR WAS FUCKING TWO WOMEN! And my world crumbled. I put my hand to my mouth to stifle a sob and then craned again. Arthur was bestrode a woman. There was another black woman biting his shoulders even as two fingers were, in what I realized embarrassingly, Arthur's ass!! The muscles of his bottom moved of their own accord each time he laboured his cock into the woman at the bottom. As he bottomed out in her, the black woman shoved her fingers into his anus up to her knuckles. Her fingers were slick with what I could only guess as applied lubrication! Arthur was fucking the woman below laboriously. He hooked her legs over his shoulders so that her knees were almost touching her ears and she couldn't lower them or bring them together. All she was doing was taking the heavy fucking he was giving her and groaning and grunting into his chest and mouth. The woman below was blathering almost incoherently. Her mouth was wide in an "O" and her tongue lolling out, licking the sweat and Arthur's chest. I could see now for the first time that she was an Asian. Looking between her thighs, I could see my Arthur's thick piston slogging in and out of her vagina. It seemed so wet. A white froth covered her vaginal lips and his cock. It was clear that he had already cum inside her several times. His sperm and her secretions were being roiled into white forth. That greasy liquid was so thoroughly lubricating her hole that Arthur was able to drive it to the very bottom of her vagina on every stroke. The smell of sex in the room was overpowering. The Asian girl had a very hairy vagina. Everything for the Career Ch. 03 I turned my head away. I could not see anymore. I felt a cold dagger penetrate my heart. I felt my brain freeze. And a crazy thought invaded my brain: was the Vice Presidency worth it? My GOD!! I could not speak. Could not think. Could not move! Arthur! HELP! SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!!! I pushed the turmoil in my head, wiped the tears from my cheeks and peeked in the bedroom again. I could see that Arthur's cock was not inside her anymore. I was surprised to see it this way, huge, slick with her juices, wobbling about in the air while its master attempted to find it another warm tunnel. I was snapped out of my spell when I heard the woman grunting and begging: "Oh god! oh god! oh god! Not my ass. not my ass. It's too big.. please, put it in my cunt. Nooooooo, don't.Ugh, ugh,ugh...GOD!!.." My God!! Arthur was assfucking her! I then watched in horror at the at the march of the willing flesh towards the high road to climax again. I watched Arthur fucking the Asian in her ass. He had her legs up on his shoulders and pressed deep enough back to bring up her ass into fucking position. The Asian's feet were quivering and I could see her toes arched as her asshole was diluted wide open by my Arthur's cock. She moaned as it went in, her anus so lubricated with cum, that it skewered her without much inconvenience. I could see the entire shaft of his thick pipe as it was being pushed into her. The black woman did not, for a moment, pull out either finger from his ass. He didn't put all of it into her on the first thrust either. Five inches were crowded into her ass as he shoved her legs higher to promote her ass into a fuller fucking position. He then withdrew it outwards. When it was all the way out, he rubbed the purple head of his cock in her cunt juices and then pressed out against her puckered hole once more. This time, he pushed it much deeper. "God. it's big." she moaned, her voice heavy with an Asian accent and lust, her words broken by her heavy breathing. "A little more..." Arthur answered as he pushed remaining two inches into her. Her mouth gaped and her tongue came out. The last inch was pushed into her ass now. He was balls-deep inside her bowels! Her tongue stretched out even more and she began licking the sweat accumulated over her top lip as Arthur began to fuck her ass with heavy thrusts. His fucking speed never slowed down even when her ass clenched and quivered around his cock in the throes of her orgasm. He fucked her until she came again. Then his strokes began getting uneven. I realized with much shock that he was going to cum. My Arthur, my husband was going to come in someone else! He reared his head up like a wolf baying to the moon. The black woman was lightly biting his sweaty nipple even as two fingers were deep in his ass. Then he filled the Asian's ass with his load of cum again, even as his balls jerked to empty their heavy load into her pulsating, shiny brown bunghole. My God! I never thought I'd live to see this. I came here expecting reconciliation or at least an attempt at that. And here was Arthur, fucking two women? My Arthur? God, what had I wrought on myself and my man? Even worse, I saw my Arthur fill someone else. Dear lord, he had spilled his seed inside her ass! When I saw Arthur tense, his buttocks clenched and unclenched even as he emptied his load, his seed in the dark brown hole between her buttocks, I felt faint. I cried, all the while my mind only went in one single loop: the seed he had just spewn, was rightfully mine! His body belonged only to me! MY belly should have been the only receptacle for his seed, not this harlot! And here he was, spending what was rightfully mine in the eyes of God and Man, into a cheap whore? This was more than I could take. I screamed. In anger, in hurt, in jealousy, in pain, in anguish, in desperation, in want of love. I screamed. The toll of the last week, the subconscious guilt that piled on, the realization that this was ultimately, my doing, and what I was seeing was just the consequences, was too much for me to bear. I heard myself screaming again and again till the darkness mercifully swallowed me and I could feel nothing but the all encompassing black. ------------------------------------------ ARTHUR'S SIDE It was so wonderful. Her pussy felt so buttery and warm. I could not but help lose myself in those sensations. Her tits were sensational her lips so full and wet. I looked down at her, full of love and she looked up to me too. Our eyes met and she spoke: "Are you finished yet honey? I have a meeting tomorrow early morning." And I almost lost my erection there itself. But these years, if nothing, were quite educational on the power of the mind over the body. So, I gritted my teeth and told her: "Almost there Jenny!" Then, mustering up my biggest fantasies, I came in her, grunting, about two minutes after she had said that. I waited for my erection to subside and my breathing to return to normal. I reached for Jenny to kiss her. I found she was already asleep. I sighed and rolled over. I wondered where our sex life went. I stared at the ceiling as I reflected back on my sex life with Jennifer. Not particularly fulfilling, that. But this was nothing new. The only benefit seemed to be that I was getting exceptionally good at ceiling study. I shook my head in helplessness then turned over, my back facing Jennifer's back, and tried to go to sleep... My thoughts were interrupted by the buzzing of the bell at my hotel door. I pushed the cobwebs from my mind and reached for the door. "Who is it?" I asked. "Room service, sir." came the reply. "Right. A moment please." I unlatched the door and allowed the guy with my dinner inside. Of late, I only had dinner in my room. Actually, dinner and lunch. I was not particularly keen on eating out, except for breakfast, by way of habit. The guy could not have been more than 23. Probably working part time, probably just an new trainee, probably whatever. He smiled at with an enthusiasm that only those hotel employees who have never been shouted at, can. I smiled back in return, knowing it was simply a matter of time. "Will that be all sir?" came the question. "Yes. Thank you." I replied. "We don't see you much around at lunch and dinner sir. Are you happy with our service in the restaurant areas?" he asked, clearly, trying to be a good hotel man. "Yes. I am very happy with your hotel. Its just that I am too busy to go down to eat. Thank you." Well, I was hoping he would realize the inference in my 'thank you' and leave me alone. "Do you need some rest and relaxation sir?" he asked. Clearly, this one was getting on my nerves. "No son. I don't need to. That will be all." I said. This time my tone was quite firm. "No problem sir. My name is Ramon. And if you need ANY relaxation let me know, I can hook you up." he mentioned. I was vexed by the tone he used when he reached the word 'any'. And what do you mean 'getting hooked up' with relaxation? Just what the heck was this guy trying to tell me? I decided to probe further. Nothing to do this evening. So might was well talk about it. "What kind of relaxation do you know?" I asked archly. "Any kind sir. Rough, in chains, S&M, black, Asian, white, your choice sir." he smiled. This guy was good. He didn't have a hint of embarrassment on his face when he said that. "How do I... I mean, how much for... Where do...?" I questioned, before he interrupted me. "Sir. we can fix the cost later. And best of all, once she is here, you can send her right back if you are not happy. And you don't pay anything." This guy was getting better and better every minute. Not only was he NOT committing to the cost, he also probably had a cut in this. In the normal scenario and daily life, I would not even consider this request, politely, but firmly turning it down. However, this was different. My life was no longer what I assumed it to be. And even though I was married, I had spent 15 long years trying to get the sex from my wife I had only read about, with zero success. I had a reluctant blowjob around seven to eight times in my entire 15 years of marriage. Then it was not a blowjob in the real sense, simply Jennifer taking my cock in her mouth. She would not let her tongue touch it. I never knew how it felt to go anal. Maybe, this was my time. I took a deep breath and decided what the heck! I could live with this once. So I arranged with him to get one. A black female. He smiled and ran out of the door as fast as his legs would take him. That was five days ago. I had sampled around two women. One was black, other was Asian. I liked them so much, they were the only two whom I called since then. No need to try something new. Specially while the feeling was still new. Maybe after some time when I tire of them, I could ask for fresh roses, you catch? Yesterday, the guy suggested I try both of them together. With a certain amount of trepidation, I did just that. It was unbelievable!! You have no idea how good it feels to have your cock deep inside a woman's bowels, while another one has your balls in her mouth and a finger up your anus, tickling your prostrate. I knew then and there that I was hooked. Cannot go back hooked. Need it whatever it takes hooked. Kill for it hooked. I could never go back. I had gone past the point of no return. Definitely not back to Jennifer and the staid, straight sex that lasted for 15 minutes, that too when she was in the mood. Hooked, not only to sex, but to sex with two women all at once. Today was the second day when I was humping around with both of them. I reached my climax in the Asian's ass when I heard someone screaming outside our bedroom door. Strange, it sounded exactly like Jennifer. ----------------------------------------- JENNIFER'S SIDE I awoke to three seconds of pure bliss. Then the memories came flooding back again. Arthur. The two women. The broken marriage vows. The threat of a divorce. The realization that I was, in part, responsible for this. And the blood rushed to my temples again. Pounding, throbbing, making the veins in my head bulge with pressure. I got up to take a pain killer, when I realized that I was sleeping in a bed. The bed looked familiar. My eyes went to the walls and the room also seemed familiar. The realization slowly dawned on me, that I was back in my room at my parents' house!! How did I get here? Who got me here? I fainted after seeing Arthur and those two women doing unspeakable things to each other. And now I wake up in my bedroom in my parents house? While disoriented, the familiar surroundings immediately bolstered my calm. I felt the headache subside and the fear dissipate. I was safe. I touched the alarm clock on the table by the bedside. It was old, clunky and the one that vibrated heavily when it rang. I had used it when I was in school. I touched it and immediately felt a sense of calm, of belonging. By each passing minute, I was gaining my composure and my mental fortitude. And with each passing minute my feelings for Arthur, the divorce, our marriage and everything I held dear was being re-evaluated. While I was wrong in what I had done for 15 years, there was no way Arthur should have done what he did. He broke our marriage vows. He slept with other women. He spilt his seed, rightfully mine, into some other female's belly. While I felt guilty for what I had done by ignoring him for so many years, I also felt angry that he had decided to take this route. Yes, I had seen the error of my ways. Yes, I was ready to mend it. Yes, I was ready to forsake FCB and the Vice Presidency and devote myself to my husband for the rest of my life. Yes, I also realized I had kept him in a constant state of rejection of all sexual advances, sleeping with him and allowing him to make love to me when I was ready, mostly when I was not tired by the daily work actually, and hence after that realization was ready henceforth in the future to now give him all the things he wanted whenever he wanted from me. I was ready to turn my life around Arthur as the center. I had expected the reconciliation to be hard. Very hard. There would be long periods of uncertainty. Long periods of tense waiting. Hate. Angst. Guilt. Name calling. Silences. Walkouts. But never did I expect, that despite all this, I would find Arthur raunchily humping some tarts on a dirty hotel bed. I expected him to divorce me over what I did, but did not expect that HE would be breaking his vows too. All sense of respect I had for Arthur was getting washed away the more I thought about it. I felt exhausted. I still felt guilty for what I did to our marriage, but now I was also hurt about what Arthur did. I did not know what to do. I was so confused!! The scent of a home cooked meal wafting into my room told me I was hungry. It sure seemed like Mother's roast chicken and baked potatoes. I opened the bedroom door, closed it behind me softly, then walked down the stairs and reached the living room. And I was shocked!! Here was Arthur, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper in my parents' living room!! Mother and father were nowhere to be seen, though from the scent of the meal coming from the kitchen I could make out that mom was there inside. I stood there for sometime then. Not really knowing what to do or speak. Arthur must have sensed me when looked to see me standing mid stairs. Without putting the coffee cup or the newspaper down and without a change in his expression, he nodded to me, telling me to come down. I held my breath and walked down. I was no longer the guilty party and Arthur the innocent one. Now Arthur was guilty too. So I had nothing to be really embarrassed about. But, if Arthur was so guilty, if what he had done was so wrong, if he had broken all vows, if he had cheated on me, then why the hell did *I* still feel I owed him something? Why did *HE* seem so calm? It was Arthur there. No mistakes about it. In clear view. Why were we in my parents' house and not ours? All thoughts came rushing to me as I climbed downstairs. I pushed those thoughts back as I changed the contrite expression I had on my face, to one of stoic firmness. Deep in my gut I felt that one way or the other, I was going to have a closure today on the issues most important to my life. (to be continued...) As always, bricks and roses to heavyheartlaments Everything for the Career Ch. 04 (This installment comes after considerable delay and I'd like to apologize to all who have waited patiently for it. And to all who have been requesting me to work on the next part -- a tip of the hat and a big thank you. Note that comments are more than welcome. You can comment on this story or send me an email via the link below. As usual, bricks and bouquets are welcome.) JENNIFER'S SIDE Where do you begin? You are the reason your husband is divorcing you. You have put him through 15 years of mental anguish and second class treatment. And in retaliation he wants to divorce you. He goes and fucks prostitutes in motels. So, the question is, where do you begin the healing? I don't know. I sat down on the sofa opposite Arthur. I was in my parents' house, safe and sound. But the memory of what I saw was still fresh. I looked at Arthur after making myself comfortable. His eyes were busy scanning the newspaper, the way he always used to, while his right hand held a coffee cup, the way it always used to. I do not think the message could have been clearer. He was not interested in justifying anything, but would not stop me from asking. I had stood on the stairs, thinking that the discussion I was about to have would be the most important of my life. But sitting here, in front of Arthur, I found that my resolve had vanished. I just wanted things to get back to normal, if they could. And if Arthur was not going to make it easy for me, so be it, but I would get my marriage back. Though in what battered state I would claim it back, I was unwilling to speculate. Now, this is where a normal wife would explode. Bring up the dirt on what she had seen. Try to use that as a leverage to get to a mutual understanding. Demand that while SHE had no right to treat him the way she did, HE should not have broken his vows either. But I was a different woman since last week. Going the normal way was not going to solve things. So I was going to be something Arthur DID NOT expect me to be. Calm, supportive, and most importantly, understanding. What he did was not good, but I had enough perspective to realize that what he did was in a situation that was ultimately created by me. And it took all my control not to jump and tear myself to pieces for what I had put my life and marriage through. "I'll assume you are looking for a closure." His question took me by surprise. After all, I expected him to be the detainee, not the interrogator. I stared at him. Not trying to stare him down, but trying to search for answers. Who was this man? He sure looked like my husband but I didn't seem to know him. At least, not since last week. Unlike fantasy, reality has no clear cut beginning and ending. So I decided to start with what I had on my mind. "Arthur, was that you? Is there some way in which I could be mistaken?" God, I hoped he would say yes. That he would say something about a twin brother whom he had never introduced, about how the light was bad in the motel room and how it was someone else in his room, of how there was 'another' Arthur with similar facial features that I mistook in the motel. "No. It was me. I was sleeping with those two women. It was me you saw." And despite my composure, I felt a chill go up my back. Arthur had said this so nonchalantly. It was almost as if he did not care how his answer would make me feel. He didn't say it diplomatically. He just said it as a matter of fact, like one would say, 'yes, I've shaved.' "And...?" I continued. "And what?" Yes. He was DEFINITELY not going to make this easy on me. "And you feel there is nothing wrong in this picture? After you stormed out of the house, I could not think. I did not know what I had done wrong. But I did realize it Arthur. With my mother, with my boss Sterling III, I know what they told me. And I didn't like it one bit Arthur. I know. Now. I have been giving so much of myself to FCB and my career that I did not have anything left for you. You have always treated me ahead of yourself and I have never ever thought beyond FCB and my goals. Yes, I know that now. And I was... no, am STILL ready to make amends. If you want, I'll put my resignation and spend the life with you, wherever you want. But this... what I saw ... How do I put this behind me Arthur? Do you hate me so much now?" I asked. With a few simple statements I had put everything on line. He just kept on staring at me. Not replying. Then he sighed and replied. "What makes you think I hate you Jennifer?" "It has to be hate Arthur. You didn't do that in the spur of the moment, did you? You must have thought about it. You could not love me anymore for you to plan doing this." I hoped the tears would stay inside. "Why do you, even for a moment, consider that I have any emotion left for you Jennifer? Even if its hate?" My mouth almost fell open at that. My God! What did he just say? I could not believe my ears! Here we were, husband and wife and he was pretty much telling me he no longer cared for me! I had to control my heart, it was beating so fast, I was sure Arthur could hear it. "What do you mean?" I asked. My voice was beginning to crack. "When I planned and thought about this Jennifer, it was not because I hated you. It was because you were never in the equation. You were never in my thoughts when I did this. I did not feel it necessary to include you in my considerations. I didn't know you existed Jennifer." He paused for the longest time. "You see Jennifer, the truth of the matter is, I feel nothing for you. You are like a woman I see on the streets. I see, and the next instant I forget. There is nothing that I think about, which involves you. It's not that I hate you, it's the fact that you've ceased to exist for me." My throat constricted at that. And despite my control, the tears came. WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY HUSBAND? OH GOD. Please!! "Frankly, I understand that what I have done is not ethical. I have fucked prostitutes, which goes against the very nature of your impression of me, which you have built over the years. I couldn't care less. I have spent 15 years Jennifer waiting for you to come back. Now, I don't care whether you do or not. To me, you are no longer a part of my life whose approval I need to have. You are now one of the millions of women on this planet who you don't give a second thought to. To me, you're just another brick in the wall. You've simply ceased to exist." I was devastated. My love for Arthur was never stronger than now and it was exactly at this point that he had exhausted his. I cursed myself mentally again and again. What did I bring upon my husband! I decided that I had to salvage something. If this went on, Arthur would just walk off! It was now or never. I had to say this. So I mustered up enough courage to speak up what I really wanted to say. "Is there no way Arthur that you can forgive me? Is there no way we can put all this behind us? I swear to you Arthur, if you take me back, I'll draft, print and submit my resignation RIGHT NOW. You can drop me at my bank, wait outside while I hand it over to Sterling and be back in 15 minutes!! But Arthur, please, don't say I don't matter to you no more." He looked at me with the most penetrating stare I'd ever known him to give me. "Jennifer, you are like a dog barking at me from inside the house while I walk out on the streets. I don't even acknowledge your existence." "No Arthur, please don't say that. To hear that I no longer matter to you is breaking up my heart Arthur. God, please! Don't do this. I am ready to do whatever you want. I just want our life back, Arthur. I am ready to do anything you say. Anything. But please come back to me. Our life can't end this way Arthur!! Arthur... I LOVE YOU!!!!" He continued staring at me with that penetrating gaze of his. Then, his features softened somewhat. "This is reality Jennifer. Not fiction. If you are looking for happy endings, go somewhere else." The loud clash of plates took my attention back to the kitchen. I could see mother, her face crestfallen, tears beginning to form in her eyes, the plates in a heap, broken, at her feet. She was looking at my face, then to Arthur and back to me again. I turned to Arthur. He was not even looking at me or mother, but was walking towards the front door. I knew he would not come back. He opened, then helped himself out. Softly closing the door. Tearfully, I got up and went to my mother to help her pick up the dishes. I could see even though her face was out of view that she was crying. I squatted in front of her and put an arm around her shoulder. Just where the hell had my life gone? Two weeks ago I had a husband, a home, a career. Now, my husband wants a divorce and he doesn't care how he hurts me while he goes for broke. ---------- I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling. In the darkness of my own bedroom, I felt so alone. My life had gone completely astray. I felt so scared and insecure. I just wished my Arthur was there with me, lying on my side, reassuring me simply by his presence that he was there for me no matter what. I wished he would turn around and cuddle me, take me in his arms and run his fingers through my hair, while he lightly blew cool air on my face. He would then kiss me softly and look deep into my eyes. I would feel so safe, and I would feel his strength flowing into me, making me feel as if nothing in this world could harm me as long as I was within the protective cocoon of his secure arms. I yearned for him. I ached for him. My mind, body and soul were on fire as I sought his presence in these difficult times. If only he were here. Just his presence. With me. Near me. Just...God...if he were just here *FOR* me in my time of suffering!! My eyes flew open in shock and I bolted, immediately sitting upright on the bed. My eyes grew wider at the comprehension. OH MY GOD! Dear God in heaven, is THIS what Arthur felt about during all those times he had to sleep alone because I was out on international trips? Is this the same insecurity that he faced, when he found out that he had a mild fever, the doctor had suggested him to rest, but his wife was away attending to client dinners? Was this the pain his heart felt, was this the coldness that enveloped him in the darkness as he, perhaps, huddled himself to sleep, without me in his arms when I was too busy to make time for my husband because I was so *FUCKING* enthralled by my career climb? Was this how he felt when I remained busy on Sundays too, attending "Strategy and International Negotiation" Classes and a plethora of other extra-curricular activities -- having no time AT ALL for my husband? And for the umpteenth time in my life, I felt the tears come into my eyes like a flood. If this is what it felt like for only a week, there is really no way I could even begin to comprehend how Arthur felt about the whole matter and this behavior for the last 15 years, and ACTUALLY BORE IT ALL SILENTLY! My mouth flew open in astonishment. This man, my husband, was someone who was not one in a million, but probably one in a uncountable amount. And instead of treating him like that, I had treated him like... oh God! I just could not believe it. And along with the tears came a sense of self-hatred and self disgust so strong, that I seriously contemplated ending my life. As vice president of international affairs for a major bank in the United States of America the level of pressure that somebody faces at the senior level at this particular juncture of life, is incredible. That does not mean we think about ending our lives at every professional crisis. But this? This horrible feeling of loathing that I felt about myself, my person, Jennifer as a woman, myself as a wife, was so strong that I knew if I looked myself in the mirror right now, I would've smashed my fist into the mirror, breaking it into a million pieces. I don't think I was interested in looking at my face again. Dear God, just what had I done to my husband? And why did you allow it? And this time my sobbing turned into full-fledged lament. God. Why? WHY? Considering all things that have happened, I was not really thinking that I could win Arthur's love back so soon. But, I wanted him back. And I didn't care if it took the rest of my life to show him and make it up to him. I wanted to show him how much I loved him and if that was not going to work out and I was going to make sure that no matter what happened Arthur got the life he deserved. He did not require an uncaring and indifferent wife. He did not require a woman who treated him like a piece of furniture. Instead he needed a real wife, one who would treat him as the center of her universe, and one for whom he would be the most important person in the whole world. I knew, that this was the woman that I was now. The only problem was I was unable to show it to Arthur in any particular way simply because he was not ready to listen to me. So I decided to do something that was totally uncharacteristic of me. Instead of normally taking my decision the way I do, by weighing the pros and cons, this time I decided to take somebody's opinion. No, it was not my mother or my father. They had too much of an emotional investment in myself to be able to take a rational decision that was based on facts and reality rather than emotion and feelings. I needed somebody who would show me the correct path to take, a path that would be difficult maybe even impossible, but necessary. And even though I knew that nobody would believe me at this particular juncture in time, I was just about ready to do anything to get my Arthur back. I loved him. The problem was he was not willing to believe it. But this time I knew what I had to do. But I needed a second opinion on the journey I was about to undertake. And I needed a man who would not be afraid to call a spade a spade. A man who would honestly judge whether the path I was about to walk was the path of a woman winning back her husband or whether I was simply living in a fool's paradise. So I picked up my mobile and give a call to Bernie. ---------- Speaking to Bernie was not an easy task. After I managed to tell him everything, including Arthur's conversation and his walk-out, presumably what I thought, the final one, he was livid. He was literally spitting fire! His face turned purple and worst of all, his anger was entirely directed towards me!! He got up from his seat and began circling around the room, directing all his ire towards me, sitting in the couch of his hall. Just what the hell was I thinking? The way I had treated Arthur since our marriage? Was I not in my senses? Was there someone fucking me at my office that I was so obsessed with, because of which I could not leave my office? Would my job take care of me when I turned all old and wrinkly? MY GOD, Bernie was ready to explode! There is no need to mention that he gave me an earful, and tons of it, by the size of it all. I don't think even my parents had ever given me such a dressing down ever. And Bernie confessed that if he were married to such a bitch (yes, that term hurt, especially to listen Bernie say it) he'd have sold her to a whorehouse and moved on. But as he managed to get it off his chest, Bernie grew more and more calm. Until finally he sat on the couch next to me and stared off at the ceiling, lost deep in thought. His tirade had hurt. But what hurt the most were his eyes. They seem to lose the respect for me which I always saw. I hung my head in shame. "Please..." was all I could whimper, "please Bernie, get my Arthur back for me... please!" He continued staring at the ceiling. Then, all of a sudden the fight seemed to leave him. He sighed and shook his head. When he looked at me, it was with pity. "Girl... what have you done?" he asked softly. "Just what the hell have you done to yourself and him?" The tears came unannounced in my eyes. 15 years of injustice. 15 years of lack of love. 15 years of tolerating scraps of sex. My God! Arthur, what have I done to you? "Please..." It was all I could say through the tears that were now staining my cheeks. I dared not look away from Bernie, as if looking away would make him change his decision about helping me. "Please..." He sighed. Then wiped an imaginary tear and smiled a little. So much for an "unemotional" conversation. Still, if he could give me some way to reach out to my Arthur, help me take away his pain -- pain that *I* put there, help me revive his love for me, then I was willing to listen to what Bernie had to say about the path I had discussed with him. I swore to myself, once again, if this tide washed over our lives, then I would re-dedicate myself FULLY to Arthur. He would be the centre of my universe. The most important thing in my life. God... please... Bernie....Arthur...!! "So, tell me Jenny, what have you done to show Arthur you have realized the magnitude of this situation that you so foolishly put your marriage into, and are ready to make amends?" he asked. His voice was cold. The Bernie I knew. Good. When Bernie was cold, he managed to give invaluable advice. "Everything!" I said without hesitation. "I have tried everything to show him I love him and he is now the Number One priority in my life henceforth, but he does not even listen Bernie." I added. "And what have you done?" he asked, clearly not impressed with my response. "I told him I realized my mistake. I've apologized to him. I've cried, begged and literally fell at his feet to forgive me and make him realize how much I love him. I've told him I will never make that mistake again. I told him how much he meant to me. I also informed him that I was ready to resign and spend the rest of the life where he wanted, with him, whenever he wanted. I've also decided that he can have me whenever and however he wants me to." The last sentence was spoken looking at the floor. When I looked back up again, Bernie had a sarcastic smirk on his face. "Then Jenny, you didn't understand my question." He replied, without blinking his eyes. "What do you..." but he interrupted me. "Jenny, so far you have told him this. And you have told him that. No doubt that your words are genuine. No concerns about your intentions. But that itself is the problem Jenny." I could not believe it. What was Bernie talking about? "Jenny..." he said softly, "you have been speaking too much. And doing too little." He added, his eyes steadily affixed on mine. My eyes began growing wide as the understanding began seeping in. "You see," he continued, "so far, you have given assurances. But that's all. You have not taken action. You told him you loved him. You did not SHOW him. You told him you regretted this. You did not SHOW him. You told him you were ready to sacrifice you career for him. You did not SHOW him." My mouth was slowly opening in realization. "You have been trying too hard to convince Arthur with words. But your actions remain the same. You have to STOP telling Arthur how much you love him and start SHOWING him!" he added, his eyes tinged with sadness. "And the best way I can think of now is to..." he paused, "is to go to FCB and give in your resignation. Regardless of what FCB or Sterling or whoever thinks." My eyes were tearing up again. "Stop talking Jennifer. Start doing!" he shouted. That shout of his jolted me out of my thinking. It was true. I had been speaking and speaking and speaking and just not doing anything! No doubt Arthur did not believe me. 15 years is a long time by any stretch of imagination and just TALKING to Arthur about the changed woman I had become was not enough, I had to SHOW him! And with that realization, another crushing blow. Edwards Sterling III. Someone who I was in awe of. Someone who always treated me like a daughter. Someone who was genuinely concerned for me... how would HE take it? Everything for the Career Ch. 04 I think Bernie realized that at the same moment too. He wrapped his arms around me and comforted me as best as I could while I sobbed. Two most important men in my life... and I was going to lose one. Not what I had expected when I had decided to devote everything for the career! ---------- Edwards was staring out of his window, looking at the skyline. He did that whenever he needed to take a big decision. He sat unmoving for some length of time, his chest rising and falling calmly, as he, what I thought, ruminated on what I discussed with him half an hour ago. It would not be easy for him to explain to his Board, why I, who was selected as VP of International Affairs, over so many other deserving candidates, was wanting to resign, mere two weeks after being appointed so. He would have to face a barrage of questions and the media would not be kind to him. He would probably be made the butt of jokes -- old guy couldn't select properly or, old guy was blinded by his cock to promote some dame, or his time has come he should step back and all such. I could see him calculating the impact on his business also. How was he going to find a replacement so soon? Most of the other candidates whom I had pipped for this position, had resigned and left the organization, as most senior level promotions are wont to do. Not only that, they now had similar jobs in competing companies. To find a worthy VP at this stage, and so soon, would be quite impossible for Sterling. It would leave him in a mess. And I had clearly told him I could not wait till he found a replacement. My marriage to Arthur was now the first and only thing in my life. And I wanted it back. Though the marriage was now arid and barren, I learnt one thing, that is to never give up. I would either end up resurrecting my marriage or giving up my life. Without Arthur, there would be no other way in the middle. At the same time, a part of me told me that what I did was unfair and I had gone and let the personal issues in my life be the cause of Sterling's disgrace. Oh sure, there were members in the Board who wanted to pull Sterling down and put him out completely. But they were held back by Sterling's impeccable record. And now this man, the man whom I respected unconditionally and was almost like a father to me, would be going down because of me. Because of my mistakes. I wanted to pull back. To make everything alright again. But I knew that this was my baptism by fire. I could get either my career, or my marriage, but not both. My career was important to me. I had spent every waking hour building it. But now, perhaps too late, I realized that my marriage was more important to me. Two weeks without Arthur showed me that. I could live with a failed career. A failed marriage would be unbearable. I would surely die. And I cursed myself again that my inaction was what resulted in the damaging of two relationships that I cherished the most in my life. God! If only I were given a chance to re-start everything. Instead of being a successful woman who gave equal priority to family and work, I focused excessively on one. Paradoxically, now I was close to losing both. When Arthur left my house, my mother was crying. After calming down, she looked at me in the eye and said simply, "This is your time to choose Jennifer. You can have FCB. You *may* get Arthur back. Decide what is important and go after it -- forget failure or success. And for once in your life, listen to how you feel, not what you think. And if possible, stop thinking so much, your indecisiveness is costing everyone a lot. Make a decision in your life. Or life will make one FOR you." Then she simply got up and walked away, leaving me stunned for answers. And that got me thinking. I loved Arthur. I had just been such a bloody insensitive bitch. I loved him but I was never able to find time to show him. And to be fair, if I were Arthur, I'd have divorced me a long time ago. I thought about it. FCB was mine. Arthur COULD be mine. But I decided for once in my life to stop thinking what my brain and logic told me, instead I opted to listen to my heart. Life without FCB would be manageable. Life without Arthur, unbearable. He was not a part of my life, he WAS my life. Strange that I realized it at a stage when I was about to lose it. That simply decided that I wanted nothing more in my life, but my Arthur. So I began on the road to win him back. The first step was to show Arthur that I was serious about him. A sacrifice from my end would be the only way to show him that. And what better way to show my long lasting love for him than to sacrifice what I had worked for all these years? It may work. It may not. But I didn't care. So, I decided to resign. Arthur may or may not take me back. The move may or may not be the most intelligent. But I knew I could not continue in FCB. That much was certain. If I did, Arthur would never take me back. So, with shaking fingers and tear-stained eyes, I typed out my resignation, printed it, signed on it and went to FCB. Seeing my state of being, Edward's secretary allowed me inside immediately. I sat in front of Edwards, looking at the office and building that was my home for more than 15 years, looking at a man who had, at times, been more than my father, and with tear filled eyes, submitted the envelope consisting of my resignation, to him. And knowing how it would possible cause him to be an embarrassment in front of the Board only served to intensify the tears whilst he sat staring outside at the skyline. Finally, he stopped staring outside and a smile cracked his lips. Even before he turned around, I knew what he would say: "OK Jenny. I'll accept your resignation. Don't worry about me, I'll take care of things here. Just make sure you and Arthur get back together. You're like a daughter to me and I can't stand to know you are going to get divorced. If anything, make this old man happy by being happy. OK?" All this pain, and he was STILL concerned about me? God, I had two most magnificent men in my life. And I really did not deserve either of them. How could Sterling still treat me like a daughter after what I was going to put him through? I burst into tears. He came to where I was sitting and put a protective arm over me. "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!..." was all I continued to say as I put my head on his shoulders and cried and cried and cried. ---------- The next step in making amends to Arthur was to get involved with his life. I knew what he did. But I did not have the time to find out who, or where or how many times. Ask me to name three friends of Arthur's and I would probably go blank in the mind. Not exactly the most idealistic of a wife's characteristics. But I intended to put that behind me now. No more. I was going to reconnect with my Arthur. And his life. And what was important to HIM! And what better way than to become a part of the world he was in. Easier said than done though. First of all, straight off the bat, I did not know whom to call. Or talk to. Or even get social with. So I decided the next best thing possible. I opened up my mailbox. The first thing I did was to write an email to Arthur on his personal ID. It did not matter if he had put my name in the spam blacklist or whether he would simply delete it. I needed catharsis and this was it. I composed the email -- a short and simple one -- and sent it to Arthur, before I could change my mind. Then I began scanning my inbox. The e-mails were old. Some of them around 2-3 years. But I managed to get a few invitations (marked in the TO: or the CC:) where some friend of Arthur's had invited both of us over for dinner, or an outing, or a picnic or sometime, simply for a few games down the bowling alley. It hurt to realize that NONE, and I mean ABSOLUTELY NONE of those emails were responded to, by me. And every time I thought I could not feel any worse, I surprised myself. While there was absolutely no reason to, I found my eyes getting wet again. Just how could Arthur have tolerated me? I had behaved... GOD!! I got up from the computer, unable to go further. I stood up from the chair, and went to the window. At night, at this time, there was only the cold air and the white moon shining in the sky. There was no other movement. The moon looked beautiful. But so lonely! Traversing the heavens all alone. And an inevitable chill went in my spine. I could lose Arthur. MY GOD! I could lose Arthur over a job!! What the hell did I achieve? A cabin and a company driven car? A secretary? A six figure salary, not really needed? A house, my husband's? Stiletto heels and an air of look-how-successful-I-am-compared-to-you? Looks of admiration and awe when I told people I was VP of FCB which they promptly forgot as soon as I turned my backs on them? That's all? That's BLOODY ALL??? And what the hell did I GIVE UP FOR IT?? My husband? Our happiness? No children? Just a sterile attempt at some semblance of a family? A house that mimicked a hospital's clinical cleanliness and interiors, devoid of all life, a coat of unhappiness while I tried to maintain a veneer of being successful? A misguided obsession with growth to get even higher and letting my husband out of my heart? O-H G-O-D!! Dear God in Heaven! And despite my attempts at controlling, I could see the moon getting distorted with my tears. And even though I could barely hear myself, I just mewled out one word, "Arthur, oh God, my ARTHUR!" ---------- You have no ideas what it is like to wait this long. I got up the next day and despite the fact that I knew it was just 8:00 AM, I checked to mailbox. No response. Yesterday night, I had written back to ALL of the people who had emailed me. Whether they mailed Arthur and kept me in the CC or otherwise. I introduced myself, apologized for my lack of manners and wondered if they would meet me for a coffee or tea either in my house, their house or anywhere else they wanted. I purposely kept out a tone of desperation and tried to keep the tone as neutral as possible. Just another wife asking her husband's friends for a meeting. But there was no response. Every day, I checked my emails Every single day. Around every hour or so. Nothing. Either the people had new addresses. Or they did not want to socialize with a wife who responds to their invitations and emails after 2-3 years. Or, the fact that they knew about me and Arthur at this point. But there were no emails. And this idea of mine, began to look very stupid. Just what was I thinking? Did I really think that people would suddenly warm up to me as soon as I sent them an email? They were not my employees. They had no reason to keep me happy. Did I really think I was important enough to them? It was now four days. And not a single response. And I was losing hope. I was sitting on the sofa, cake untouched, tea getting cold. How was I going to make up to Arthur? I was getting discouraged. I was about to give up but the "TING" of a new email alerted me. I bolted off the sofa and rushed to the computer. At last! A new email. I tried to keep my hopes at a normal level but since last four days, ANY email I received made me hope, only to be dashed every time. It was never from one of the addresses I had written to. Still, hope floats eternal and I found myself unable to control my mind whenever a new email arrived. Perhaps, perhaps one of those people had decided to pardon my stupidity and arrogance and email me. So it was with this one too. I rushed off to the computer, hitting my shin at the table in the process, but I ignored the pain rising there. I had to check. It HAD to be an email from one of the addresses I had written to. But my hopes were dashed! AGAIN! I had rushed too soon. That email was not from someone I knew or someone whom I had written to sitting up most of the last night. Instead it was just a seminar invitation. Oh God! JUST A BLOODY SEMINAR INVITATION! I became despondent. THIS is what I get for ignoring my man and family. THIS is what happens when you think you can go ahead and trample on your spouse's emotions and needs just to get your own obsession materialized. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS! My despondency was threatening to overwhelm me, when it hit me. HARD! This was the ANNUAL SEMINAR that Arthur always went to! Always!! Just that thought, that scrap of information, lifted my spirits. I would get to meet Arthur. MY Arthur. And no matter what he did, I was going to SHOW him how I had changed, not just tell him. I would not fritter away the opportunity this time. A hundred, thousand thoughts were running in my mind. What should I say? How should I say it? What should I wear? Should I wear a cotton bra? What if I get my periods then? Do you think green contacts look better on me? Should I get out of the car from my right as a lucky move? Should I order pizza with extra crusts? My GOD! I WAS OUT OF CONTROL!! I forced myself to breathe deeply and calm down. After weeks of what seemed like a solid concentrated dose of despair, for the first time I could see the light of the tunnel. Arthur would be there. My Arthur would be there! And just as quickly, the hope vanished. Yes, Arthur would be there. But he was also there in the house. And only you two were conversing. YET, nothing happened. YET, he still walked out. YET, you were unable to do anything to prevent it. And the hope flooded again. YES, but back then, I was just telling Arthur, not showing it. And consciously, I decided to stick with the latter feeling as I rushed to make preparations for the seminar. Of course, registering and paying for it online then and there with my credit card was the very rudimentary step, already accomplished in the next fifteen minutes. And next I decided to get ready for the seminar. I calmed down when I realized the seminar was still a good week away from today's date, though. ARTHUR'S SIDE I've been called many things. A decent human being. A good husband. An ethical entrepreneur. A respectable businessman. An adventurous man. A fearless leader. A great employer. But, I have never been called an insecure bastard. And a wife-hater. Never! So, it was with a mixed sense of shock and anger, that I read Bernie's email. Straight off the bat, one thing was correct. He was writing on behalf of Jennifer because I would not even listen to her, hear her out, pick her calls, talk to her, read her emails or reply back. So he had no choice but to email me myself. At the conclusion of his email, he mentioned that he would give me a call, if I replied to this email, that is. Otherwise, he would respect my privacy by not calling me up or writing any emails in the future. This would be AFTER my non-response would cement his opinion that I was either an insecure bastard or a wife-hater. Probably both. To defend myself, I composed a vitriolic response to his email. I practically damned him and compared him to the Devil himself. This let off steam in my head. But as a practical business trick learnt long ago by a similar action, I did not press the SEND button. Instead, the email went in my DRAFT box and would stay there till I could get a handle on what was happening around. You have no idea. The composition of an acidic email gets the anger out of you, works as a catharsis, and the fact that you DID NOT send that email, makes you see the message in a different light, 2-3 hours after you have cooled down -- and wished you just had NOT sent that email, if you had decided to follow your initial instincts. So that email lay in my drafts and I had gotten the poison off my system and into the email. Time to calm down. As I got up from my chair, I noticed something. I was not feeling good. My head was downcast, my shoulders slumped and I dragged the chair to place, not lifted and kept it aside. The last 2-3 weeks had me living my life like a dead man. Sure, I got to fuck those prostitutes in the hotel. But in the harsh light of the morning the next day, that did not seem like a good idea. Not a good idea at all. Apart from that, there was a sense of listlessness in everything I did. I felt as if something, some part, was missing. Of course, the first thing I thought was that it was Jennifer I was missing. But as I lingered on that thought, I found out that THAT was not it. There was something else. My 'sacrifice' for Jennifer, my 'I'll-be-the-stoic-husband' behavior for the last 15 odd years, my 'No-point-saying-it-until-she-realizes-it-herself' attitude... everything seemed to point that I was living my life wrong. Sure, Jennifer fucked me up good with her obsession for her career. But I could...no, SHOULD have done something about it, instead of playing the self-sacrificing martyr all along. All this was confusing. On top of that, reading emails like THAT from Bernie... by God! I was supposed to be the good guy, remember? But that was not happening. Even though I STILL thought myself as the victimized, self-sacrificing husband, I could begin to subconsciously realize that it was, somewhere, ME, who had to take responsibility for the predicament I was currently in. A swifter action, an earlier reaction, a real discussion with both parents in tow and perhaps a decided divorce. Those things would have been unpleasant, but would have given me the necessary closure. Either Jennifer would have fallen in line or I would be another statistic in the divorce numbers in America. But either way, I would be in control of my life. Instead I 'waited' for Jennifer to realize what she was doing wrong. There were too many variables. Jennifer was wrong to do what she did to me. I was wrong for ALLOWING it happen. That much, was now certain. And that changed my own perspective a lot. After what I had borne through these years, I felt I should be the one whom people should have sympathy for. Instead, Bernie calls me a bastard and thinks *I* am the bad guy, and somewhere, DEEP DOWN, I was beginning to identify with him, at least to the point where he mentioned 'my incapability to act and take control of the situation early on in my life' somewhere in the middle of the email. The problem was, while my subconscious mind, which is devoid of the concept of right or wrong and is concerned only with the concept of action and consequence, my thinking mind, the conscious mind was more concerned about how my actions would now be hurting Jennifer... about how NOW she would understand what it felt like not to have someone love you... especially when that person had loved you for your entire life now. And somewhere, from somewhere far off, I wondered at that thought. Just what was I thinking? Just what had I become? Maybe it was the tiring ordeal of past weeks, maybe it was Bernie's email. Maybe I WAS missing Jennifer or maybe it was the fact that I acted so totally out of my character and paid money for sex. But for the first time in 3 weeks, I was not able to control it. So I went down on my knees, sobbing, and my life flashed before me, intensifying my sobs to real crying. I did not know what I did was correct or not, it seemed correct then. I did not know whether I should continue punishing Jennifer or take her back, risking the same life I had before -- after she would get over her initial phase of winning my love back. I did not know whether I wanted to rip myself apart for not handling this in the right way or love the way I handled things since last 15 years... I JUST KNEW I WANTED IT TO BE ALL OKAY!! I wanted things to be okay. God! I wanted things to be okay. I wanted my wife, my house, my family, my home, my life. MY LIFE. My Jennifer! Oh GOD!!! And the tears came. I was hiccupping, crying and tears were awash on my face. What the fuck had I done? What the fuck had Jennifer done? WHAT THE HELL HAD *WE* done??!! Motherfucking FCB Bank! Everything for the Career Ch. 04 Asshole Arthur!! Jennifer... bitch...!!! And other such thoughts came unabated into my mind. And there was no one to help me out. There was no other recourse -- I cried my frustrations out. Late into the night, I decided that staying alone with my thoughts was a sure-fire way to go to the loony bin. So I decided to start getting a semblance of life back. The first thing I decided, after washing my face and composing myself, was to sign up for the Industry Best Practices seminar that I always went to. The seminar was one of the few things in this life of mine that was a given constant. And as such it gave a feeling of being ground to me. Made me feel in familiar territory. I hoped that going to this seminar would help me to forget my actions and decisions, and for a short while allow me the luxury of a normal life. So I whipped out my credit card, signed on it, and confirmed my name too. Everything for the Career Ch. 05 (Thank to all for your patience. Note that comments are more than welcome. You can comment on this story or send me an email via the link below. As usual, bricks and bouquets are welcome.) * JENNIFER'S SIDE The Orient Express. A name synonymous with luxury and travel. Myself and Arthur had discussed this so many times to be on this legendary journey by train. Arthur, in fact, was more adamant to travel on the same. "It's a once in a lifetime thing Jenny. Let's do it. The memories will be cherished by us when we turn old." he would always say. "Next year please, honey." would be my response. Every year. Since last 6 years. Sadly, it was discontinued last year. Another promise that I could not keep to my Arthur. Another fine memory eaten up by my obsession with achieving the Vice Presidency. Another notch on my belt, of the many, of how I disappointed my Arthur. Another nail in the coffin of my marriage. And another reminder how really I was, out of touch with everything around me, when I approached my target to reach the coveted post of the Vice President, with a tunnel vision. I had ignored my home. My marriage. My husband. Our memories. Our hopes, Our dreams. Our times that would be cherished. Moments lost in time, never to come again. And what was worse was every year, EVERY year, Arthur would trust me when I said 'Next Year'. He would smile, shrug off his disappointment, and still love me with the same fervor. I was really a hopeless wife. And honestly, there was not a single person in this world, however he or she may be, that I hated right exactly at this moment, more than myself. ---------- I jerked forward and put my hand up just in time to prevent my face from crashing on the front seat. The cabbie had put on his brakes so hard, if I was not really holding the hand rest with my other hand, I would have smashed my face in the glass. The jerk brought me back to reality. I was in a cab. Wearing Arthur's favorite dress. Dressed in very minimal makeup, just as Arthur liked me to, going towards the seminar. I don't know why, but I decided to go to the seminar in a cab. It would give me some time to think about my plan. My course of action. It would give me time to formulate a response to anything Arthur may say or any way he may behave there. I ran through different scenarios throughout the week. I.... I.... I should STOP THINKING THIS WAY!! I was slipping back. Into the Vice President mode. STOP IT! I thought to myself. THIS is not the way to approach your marital life. This is NOT the way to win your husband. I had to be someone he had not seen in a long time, for 15 long years now. I had to be his Jenny. His wife. Not Jennifer. The Vice President. I took a deep breath and cleared my head of all thoughts and anticipations. I would deal with myself and my behavior with Arthur as naturally as I could. And as a wife would. Not a banker running an international department. This was my husband. The most important person to me in this whole wide world. He deserved better. He deserved my respect, and the best way to show it to him was to respond to his questions or behavior as a wife, not as a banker readying for negotiations. No. There would be no negotiations. Just a wife begging her husband to take her back. Just a wife wanting to win the affections of the man she loved the most. Just a wife wanting to show, for once, how much she really cared about her better half. A wife. Not a Vice President. Not a banker. Just... a WIFE! I had undergone intense international make-or-break negotiations with near heads of states, met, debated and won over multinational CEOs and dared to have bold ideas that led my bank forward, even if no one ever thought that they would bear fruition, without breaking into a sweat. And here I was, getting down from the cab, nervous, with my hands literally shaking in anticipation. While my mind was a cloud of buzzing thoughts, one remained with me, and reared its face at me again and again. What if, WHAT IF, ultimately, Arthur did not realize how much I loved him? What if I could not convince him? What if... I really had lost him this time? I felt nauseated. A dizziness overcame me and I had to hold the side of the cab for support. My breath was coming in bursts and my whole body was shivering. My body temperature was going up. I was not this nervous since the day my father walked me down the aisle. I steadied myself, and walked on my semi-flat heels towards the seminar entrance. I looked at the people there, joining me for the long walk from the sidewalk towards the venue of the seminar. I gritted my teeth. Forget asking Arthur for forgiveness, what would happen if he didn't even turn up? I felt another wave of dizziness overcome me, but I slowed down my walking pace and breathed slowly. I knew that cats purportedly have nine lives. And that God gives everyone an opportunity to redeem themselves. But on this day, as I made my way in the crowd towards the entrance of the seminar, I felt that I had run out of redemption opportunities. In my case, God had thrown opportunity after opportunity, and all I could do was use them up in furthering my career. I was sure God also had run out of patience with me. This time, there would be no redemption through opportunity. This time, redemption would come with a price. This time, I would have to go through hell and back. And even then, there was no guarantee that the grace would come. I paused my pace. Looked up at the building where the seminar was going to be held. It looked like the place where I would have my final conflict. I gritted my teeth, hardened my resolve and walked towards the door. I decided then and there. If I could not, by any chance, have my Arthur, I swore I would do everything in my power to make sure he would get in his future life what he wanted. So, I prayed. As I walked towards the seminar building, I prayed. Not for myself and my Vice Presidency. Not for my future as a wife who wants an opportunity from the heavens to make up to her husband for the heartaches she had caused, not as a woman seeking redemption from bestowing so much pain on her husband, but simply as a wife. A wife who wanted to put the happiness and good life of her husband before herself. A wife, for whom, for the first time in her life, her husband's happiness was the first priority. A wife, who would suffer gladly, if only her husband was assured happiness. A wife. Who only thought about her husband and not about herself. A prayer. For my husband's happiness. Mine be damned. I took a deep breath, pushed the steel and glass doors of the building and entered into the lobby of the building where the seminar was being held. ---------- Life, I realized, after a few hours at the seminar, was not a movie. Or, even a book. I have to admit. Somewhere, someway, I hoped that this seminar would be the beginning of the solution to my problems. I had even thought about how this would end. And while my mind played out the negative results, you just cannot keep the human spirit down. Hope rises eternal. So I've heard. Only to be dashed. Again and again. THAT part, I have not heard. So, for almost a FULL day. A full day, with a quick lunch, I kept an eye out for Arthur. I did not see him. It was almost evening and I did not see him. My eyes were exhausted. My mind strained to the breaking point at the anticipation. I did not want my mind to wander for even a second, should I lose sight of Arthur or that I should miss the opportunity to meet him. Or that I would look and feel too tired to show Arthur how earnest I was in making this up to him. But he never came. I was crestfallen. Arthur was not there in the seminar. It was likely that I missed him. It was likely that co-incidence of co-incidences, he moved in when I went to the bathroom and then moved out when I went there the second time after 3 hours. But in my heart, I knew. It was unlikely. Arthur had just not come. All the preparations. All the anticipation. All that hope. All for nothing. There was nothing here left for me to do. Nothing. Except go home and cry. I felt the fight drain from me. And a weariness came up over my shoulders. I wanted to leave. Go home. And feel sorry that I had messed up my marriage, by giving everything I had, mind and soul, to my career. I felt sorry for Arthur, myself and our marriage. But, I had been doing that for weeks now. And it had done nothing for me. Absolutely nothing. This time, I wanted to change myself. I realized, that to show you are interested in your husband's work, does not happen only when he is around. As a wife, I needed to take interest in what he did, EVEN IF he was not around. My decision was clear. Arthur or no Arthur, I would sit through this last of the few remaining sessions in this seminar. If for nothing else, than to see what it was that my husband did. And was proud of. And that *I* could be proud of. I no longer wanted to think about myself first. I wanted, this time, to think about my Arthur first. So I went to the bathroom again. And washed my face, put on a little lipstick and thought about what business Arthur did. And then went in for that particular session going on in the dark room. In my earnestness, and lack of information on which session Arthur would attend, I had booked myself in ALL sessions. It did not matter how much I had to pay for it. If I could see and talk to my Arthur, I would have made good whatever I had spent. And then some. All thoughts went away as I took my seat on the session of the day in the seminar, the session on industry best practices. For Piping and Engineering. The topic was "Different Soil compositions and their impact on industrial piping". I knew that Arthur's firm did something with piping, though not exactly what. But it must be successful because we made tons of money. I smiled wistfully at myself at that thought. For the first time in a long, long time, I had thought about it as "WE" made money, not Arthur made money or I made money. THIS is how it should have been from the beginning. WE. Not me. Not Jennifer. And I felt the sadness creeping up again. What I had done to Arthur. What I had done to our marriage. And my mood changed again even as I was sitting there. What good was sitting in this seminar, in this session, when Arthur was not even around? What benefit did it bring to hear the speaker drone on about something so alien, that I could not even begin to comprehend it. Soil decompositions. Terra formations. Impact of acidic soils on pipes. Metallurgical advances in the composition of the layers of pipes. It was all foreign. I should have walked out. But instead, I stayed back. I wanted to see what really brought that shine in my husband's eyes when he talked about his business. What exactly was he doing and how I could, to some manner, be proud of him. How I could, understand for the first time in my life, that there were lives equally, if not more, important as mine. Of how I could find happiness in Arthur's happiness. Of how, first and foremost, I could be a wife to my husband. So I stayed the whole nine yards. Till the very end. The session was over and I stood up and clapped. Because everyone was standing up and clapping too. Then, I waited as the crowd began moving out before I got up to leave. I walked out of the door, deciding which other remaining few sessions I should attend, that Arthur would attend, when I RAN DIRECTLY INTO HIM! I just walked plumb on, plowing into him!! My senses came to being as I realized it was Arthur. My Arthur! And I saw the recognition in his eyes even as his face went into what I think was a mild shock. I tried to compose myself, but could not! The shock of running into Arthur at a stage when I had expected he would not turn up, had actually lowered my defenses. All the preparations had been put into the background and all I was really thinking about was which session to go into next. But, if you thought I was shocked, Arthur's face registered a myriad of emotions -- from initial shock, to absolute disbelief!!! I know what was going on in his mind. Jennifer? Here? In THIS seminar? She never comes. She never expresses interest in my work. And she is attending this seminar? Of course! She has to come here because there must be a session someway related to her bank and she would be... I knew that is exactly his train of thought. And I also knew he was really off balance. This was one thing he would never, in a million years, have anticipated. It was a really good plan to attend this seminar. Maybe now I could.... NO! I said to myself. STOP! Not this!! THIS is not how you are going to tackle this. You are a WIFE. Arthur's wife. Talk and behave like a wife. Not a Vice President. Just a wife! So I decided to stop Arthur's thinking then and there about me being a Vice President, and tell him I was here just as his wife. "Arthur, I came to see you. There is nothing here that concerns my bank, honey." I said, trying not to let my hope at seeing him, spill over into my voice. "Don't call me honey, Jennifer!" he stated sternly. That was it! My happiness instantly deflated like a balloon then and there! No. This was not going to be as easy as I thought it would be. "Arthur... I just wanted...." "I'm not interested Jennifer. Please. Just back off and let me live my life. Stop trying to see me!" his voice was rising. And I did not want to make a scene here in this seminar. "I just wanted to tell you Arthur, that..." "WHAT?" he was practically glaring at me! "Just wanted to tell you that the session on soil compositions and impact on piping was a horrible bore!" I said. All in a single breath of air. All said looking at the floor. Time stopped. I paused for a moment, composing myself, then looked up to him. For the first time in years, IN YEARS, Arthur just stood looking at me dumbfounded. And shocked. I saw hesitation in his eyes. I saw. The struggle. Between his love for me and the years of neglect, fight with each other in the battleground of his mind. After what seemed to me like a superhuman effort to compose himself, he looked at me again with that same sadness that I had seen when he first told me of his intention to divorce me. But there was something else I saw. Along with the sadness there was something else this time, struggling to rise. I saw a hope. A faint hope that did not have any chance, did not have any reason to think it had a chance, but it was there nevertheless, a small sliver of hope rise in his eyes and pass on to his entire spirit. His eyes, momentarily, lost their sadness. And his face...it registered an internal glow that a child shows when his parents have told him he has just been given his favorite gift that he wanted for so long for Christmas, but is trying to show that he was unaffected by the declaration. He was trying hard to not show the emotion, but I could see his eyes... they were lighting up! "What...you sat... you ACTUALLY SAT THROUGH the entire 3 hours?" Arthur asked. His demeanor was still hostile, but the acid in his voice was abating. "Yes." I replied, softly. "But... why!!??" Now there was total look of confusion on his face. "Because I wanted to... I... I wanted to see what it is that you did. And wanted to be a part of that." I said, looking at the floor. "I wanted to know what my husband did. I... I wanted to be... proud of my husband." I continued, in a very soft voice. I looked up at him, and saw the shock and sternness transform into a enormous sadness in his eyes once again. It lasted some moments. I could see his mind remembering. Remembering the love we had. The dreams we dreamt. The plans we made. The life we believed we would lead. Our promises that we would be there for each other, no matter what, I could see him remembering all that. All which seemed like an eternity ago. Remembering them all. Remembering it ALL! And then the years of neglect returned to his memory. Unbidden. Black. Corrupting hope. Corroding his feelings. Came rushing in like the flood! Exploding the dam of his soul. Splintering his heart into so many pieces that you could never make it whole again. The day to day pain of being ignored -- he remembered! The scraps of sex and not allowing him his rightful access to my body -- he remembered! The false promises, the raising of hopes, only to be dashed again and again, the excessive focus, the obsession with Vice Presidency, the point where I would sacrifice anything, for my career. My behavior. My tunnel vision. My apathy towards anything to do with family, marriage, home, or husband. My giving my time and love to my career. My giving passion and hope to my career. My giving the moments in time that would be remembered forever -- to my career! My giving EVERYTHING FOR THE CAREER!! And I knew what he was remembering. And I began tearing up in helplessness. There was no way I could stop this flood. No way to stem this tide. No way to make this go away. None. And in an instant, AN INSTANT, the steel returned in his eyes. His face went grim. And his eyes, colder than ice. "I see. Now, if you've seen that session, please make way. Because my next session starts in the next 2 minutes and I don't want to waste it because I am talking to some Vice President here!" Now THAT hurt. GOD! It hurt bad. From a man who sacrificed his needs, his dreams and his love for his wife, to a man using callous words and not really caring, he hurt. I desperately tried to prevent the tears from coming to my eyes. But I failed. I let them come. I just let them. I didn't care who saw me, or who didn't. I just let them come. My tears. For what I was about to lose. For what I had long since lost. For what I seemed to have no hope of getting back. My tears came. And I let them fall. Arthur looked at me and his face turned into one of stone. "Really now?" he asked. "If you're so emotional, maybe you could have asked Bernie not to write those emails, calling me a insecure bastard, wife-hater and a sorry excuse for a human being." I was STUNNED! What? What did Bernie write to Arthur? And before I could react, he turned his back on me and was making his way into the crowd. ---------- He was half an hour late. I was sitting at his office, and was informed that he had just gone out, by his secretary. Would I need some coffee, tea? I refused and waited for Bernie to come. I was shocked. What email was Arthur talking about? I decided to confront Bernie about it. I was trying to understand what was going on between Arthur and Bernie when the door opened and Bernie walked in. I had laid awake almost the whole night. Thinking what Arthur had remarked. And then re-thinking everything again and again. What did Bernie write? Why would he do that, he knew Arthur to be one of the gentlest of men, why? Was he trying to force a reaction so that Arthur would meet me? Was he trying something that, in his head, would bring us together? What? "Jenny?" he broke into a smile when he saw me. I snapped out of my reverie. "Benie," I said, composing myself and my thoughts, and my voice neutral, "I want to talk to you." "Sure Jenny. Let's go to my cabin." Saying that, he opened the door to his cabin and ushered me inside. He sat in his place and I sat opposite the table at him. He had the foresight to close the door of his cabin. "Now, before we start, any tea or..." he began, but I interrupted him. "Bernie, I have something to ask you." I said, looking straight at him. "Shoot, Jenny!" he said, jovially. 'He held on for as long as he could. But when he finally couldn't stand to take it anymore, he exploded like an atom bomb!!' I've read and heard this phrase many, many times. But for the first time in my life, including my Vice Presidency, I managed to identify with it. Everything for the Career Ch. 05 What can I tell? I EXPLODED! In a big, mushroom cloud of destruction and smoke, of frustration and lament, of unbridled FURY, of unstoppable rage. I. EXPLODED. ---------- My hair was disheveled, my face a contorted mask of anger, my steps, purposeful, I strode out of his office. I slammed the door shut. SLAMMED. And before the door shut, I could see Bernie. His eyes... if his age were not so advanced, if he had not seen and experienced all the good and bad things that old age brings, his eyes would have been flooded. Julie, his secretary looked at me, and thought otherwise. This was the first time she did not ask me how the meeting with the "OLD COOT" went. A private joke between ourselves. "You are not my relative. You are not my father. You are a NOBODY in my life! How in the HELL did you DARE to WRITE SUCH AN EMAIL TO MY HUSBAND! By what right? Just because we know each other you think you can interfere in my life??!!" That was the first sentence I remembered in the hour long conversation I had with Bernie behind closed doors. More likely, screaming, not conversing. One-sided, mostly. Me doing all the screaming. And Bernie doing all the silence. "What gives you the right to think what's right for me? You are just an acquaintance. Don't you have enough sense to stay within that limits??!! YOU ARE AN OUTSIDER, what have I done that you have to go and want to mess up everything??!!!" That was the second one. There were many. But these two.. they brought tears into Bernie's eyes. No, he didn't actually get watery eyes... he was too old to cry over anything, but if he were young, I'd know this would have broken him. He stood looking at my eyes. And a small, sad smile on his lips. Whatever may have been our relations, I knew then. At that time. I would never be able to relate to Bernie ever again. Ever. Our relationship would be forever broken. It would never mend. It could never be put together again. The conversation was too tense, my words too harsh and my frame of mind unpredictable. I had done everything. Called him names. Insulted him. Warned him. And finally, in a move totally unpredicted even by me, I asked him to butt out of my life. I ASKED BERNIE TO ACTUALLY BUTT OUT of my life! But I was not that much crazed with rage that I did not see Bernie's chest give an involuntary shudder as I mentioned that butting out part. Bernie's chest shuddered whenever he wanted to show no emotion, but could not hold out because he had lost his near and dear ones. But he did not offer anything in defense. He just stood there and let me rant. And tear him to pieces. Then I slammed the door and walked out. And then, I have no idea why, but the moment I walked out of his office, I broke down. I actually broke down so bad, a couple of bystanders offered me help. But I refused. This was my burden to bear alone. I gritted my teeth, and against the bile rising from my stomach, I cried. In big, long gulps, in snotty sobs, between hiccupping movements, I cried. OH GOD! How many? Just how many other relationships will I break because I chose my career over my marriage? Just what would I have to do to show Arthur that I loved him? What was it going to take? I could not think. Could not breathe. Could not even perform basic functions like walking down to my car. Nothing. I was just standing below his office and crying. Just what had my life become? I pulled myself up and through teary eyes, managed to locate my car. I managed to walk to my car, when the darkness overwhelmed me. And I slipped into merciful black. My last thoughts at this time were: Why are so many people rushing towards me, before the inky black cloistered me in its moist embrace. ---------- I awoke on a bed, with the white ceiling above me, seeing the faces of my parents staring down at me. I tried to get up but my right hand was attached to something. I turned around to find I was attached to a drip. I opened my mouth to ask my parents what was happening but all that came out was a grunt. What was happening? I was in my parent's house, in my old room. But there was this drip attached and all I could speak was in mumbles and my voice was gruff. As I began taking in my surroundings, I began to feel the memories flooding back. Bernie. The shouting. The tears. And the blackness. My God. Arthur! "911 got you here, hon." That was my father. Calm. He always did that when others around him lost their heads. "Bernie phoned them. He also asked them not to take you to the hospital." "Arthur..." I managed to croak out. "No... he's not... I... we mean, we've.. not informed him... didn't know what you wanted." My mother. Hesitant. She always did that when everyone around her lost their heads. I smiled weakly. "Okay." I managed to say. "Mom, I need..." pleading with my eyes for her to come closer. "Anything dear!" she hurriedly closed the distance between us and was leaning, closer to my face now. I could see the moistness in her eyes. Definitely. She had to be crying. "I want dark green cotton curtains in my home. The kind that are thick and don't allow light to come in. Not those white, frilly ones that are hanging there... I ... uh... well... want to..." I managed to croak out. My mother's eyes widened in disbelief! She slowly turned her head and looked at my father, then back to me again. My father was registering bewilderment as much as my mother. "What dear?" she asked. Clearly, my request had both of them stumped. "Curtains mum... dark green ones. I'd love it if they were cotton ones too." I mumbled. "Darling... what is..." mum started to say, but I interrupted her. "Arthur always wanted those. Please mother!" I said. Not really focusing anywhere. "You got it!" Strong. Calm. Decisive. My father. My mother looked at my father, who nodded as if to say let her hear what she wants, as long as it will help her recover. My mother reluctantly pulled herself away from me and went to my father. I could see them huddled, talking something, when the dizziness overcame me again. And I closed my eyes and let it claim me. ---------- I woke up, to find my drip gone. Feeling hungry as hell. I got up on the bed and let the initial dizziness pass. Then I began taking in my surroundings. Night. And the slumped body of my father on the chair besides me, book half open, flipped on the floor. I got up and padded barefoot. Picked the book up and kept it on the bedside. Then I walked downstairs towards the fridge. I was halfway through frozen chicken beans when I heard both of them. I turned around to find both of them standing in the door of the kitchen. My father, his hand around my mother's shoulder and my mother, smiling, and hands around dada's waist -- with tears in her eyes. "Hi guys!" I mumbled through full mouth. "Didn't I tell you?" my father asked sternly. His voice cold! I froze. My father was rarely angry with me. I swallowed the bite and looked at mom. She was still smiling. And I was confused. "What dada?" I asked. Genuinely puzzled. "That you should not talk with a full mouth. How many times, eh?" I could see a smile breaking on his lips too as he said that. And to see them there, hand in hand, so happy together, so much WITH one another, smiling and to hear my dada talk with the same tone when I was a kid, was too much for me. I broke down. They came to my table and I held them at their waists, they standing, me sitting. And they held me while I cried for the better part of the night. ---------- ARTHUR'S SIDE To be quite honest, I was taken completely by surprise. Not to mention the fact that I was tongue-tied, when I saw Jenny take the session. When I first walked in, I saw Jenny trying to decide which sessions to attend. My first reaction was to walk out of the seminar. But then, I decided, it would be fun to watch her dig herself into a grave. My wife was on the verge of divorce, and here she was, attending seminars for her bank. She would never change. I felt I had done the correct thing now, seeing how she was not even bothered about her marriage and life, but her bank. Always the bank. But then, when she entered the "Different Soil compositions and their impact on industrial piping", I knew something was wrong. Seriously wrong. Piping, especially industrial piping and layout architecture was what my firm thrived in. Just what would Jenny be doing in THAT session? Possibly trying to... to... try and meet me? ME? Why this interest in MY work all of a sudden? I was curious, I admit. This is *so* unlike Jenny. I mean, I have given her enough grief to last a lifetime, and she still says she loves me. Highly unlikely given that... I stopped my thoughts. There is nothing down this road. This was a pure co-incidence. Jenny was here for her bank. Not me. I smiled a wry smile at that. Imagine me thinking anything other than THAT. I decided to wait for a while. Sure, she would be frustrated with the highly technical nature of the session. I could not see her sitting for more than 20 minutes. When she did not come out for an hour, I knew something was up. I slapped my forehead with my palm. How could I have been SO stupid. I had gone to the men's room for about 10 minutes. She had left by then! SURELY! I relaxed. At least, I could focus on my other session now, starting in another 2 hours. I passed my time looking around, not really focusing on anything. But somehow, I could not feel comfortable. REALLY comfortable, knowing Jenny had been here. Looking for me. This could get ugly. She could possibly, just possibly be stalking me. And if that was the case, it would behoove me to be careful after the divorce. These were the thoughts that stayed with me for the next two hours. That's when I ran STRAIGHT INTO HER! Imagine my shocker! And then... GOD! Then when she told me WHY she had been here, and how she had sat through the ENTIRE 3 hours for me, JUST FOR ME, I almost felt the cloud lift from my life. Finally, maybe finally, Jenny was really coming around. Really. And then the thoughts came, unabated. Of her so many promises, of her so many assurances, of her so many *TOKEN* presence at functions and those very rare time when she chose to grace an occasion with me -- not because it was important for me, but because her meetings were cancelled or there was an unexpected delay from her clients side. And I got angry. Angry at her for not being there for me. Angry at her for not loving me and our marriage enough. Angry at... at EVERYTHING. And then, the image came to view. That horrible image! Me lying in the hospital. Diagnosed with god knows what jaundice or malaria or something, feeling weak as a kitten, not even able to sit upright, when she mentioned that the hospital staff would look after me, as she was going to take charge head-on, the first foray of her bank in Asia Pacific. And red mist clouded my eyes. That damn bank and her obsession with it cost me my life, my marriage, my youth, my dreams, my hopes... everything. All because she wanted to become a Vice President. A VICE PRESIDENT. So I let it out. The anger. The hate and the frustration. The acid. And she began sobbing. And that intensified my anger. How dare she play the innocent victim? I was the one whose life was messed up, and she was the one crying? Surely, she should not have told Bernie to send that email. Never. I came home after the seminar in a foul mood. The mood carried on even the next day even at work. That was exactly when I got the call from mys. While I was not really on speaking terms with the entire family, I had no qualms about taking calls from mys. Especially if they were once in a while and did not have the words Jenny or Jennifer or daughter in the conversation anywhere. As I listened to my father talk to me, I felt myself breathing faster. Jenny... fighting with Bernie over that email and shouting at him? And she was not at all aware of this email, you mean, she had NO IDEA that Bernie had written this, let alone ask him to write it? And...walking out on him? Breaking all ties with him? Warning him? Calling him names? All that because she was... DEFENDING me? ME? And when he said that Jenny had resigned weeks ago, I was aghast. For a moment, I could not breath. Just what the hell had that girl done? Just what had she done? The Vice Presidency was the most, THE most precious thing to her in this whole life. As she had amply proven to me over time. Again and Again. And she had resigned from it for me? To be near me? To show me that she loved me? Despite the fact that she did not know which way it would go, or whether I'd even hear of it? This was too much, even for me. Even for all the things Jenny may have done, this piece of news made me stop. And ponder. Of course, There were other things too. The phone call was long, and I was sure its impact would last me through the night. For the first time in many years, it did. I lay awake the whole night. Thinking. Replaying my life again and again. 15 years of neglect cannot be so easily overcome. Never! Trusting her, that she is doing all this because she loves you, and not because of some other ulterior motive, after *such* long time. Not at All!! But it did give her a right to talk to me at least. Let her explain what she wanted. I owed it to her. For her resignation. For her fight with Bernie. For her.. for her... GOOD BLOODY GOD!! For her GREEN CURTAINS that I always wanted, replacing those horrible looking lacey white ones which were her favorite, I owed her. And I always repay my debts. NO! I said to myself. STOP! Stop thinking this way. Not this time. Not NOW! This time, I would have this conversation, not because I owed it to Jenny. But because she had earned it. No matter what our equation at the moment, BY GOD, She had earned her time with me! Earned a meeting with me. Had a RIGHT to have a meeting with me, regardless of what I felt or thought. And I knew. This time, I would. This time I would have to go. It was HER RIGHT! I knew that life was here and now. And if this went by, there would be nothing. Jenny may not have changed, but at least her explanation would be tempered with reality this time. And besides, considering what she did, with the seminar, with her bank, with Bernie, I think she may have begun to feel that bit of pain that you get when you lose someone or something so near and dear to you. And that is what I was doing this Sunday, driving over to our house. I would be meeting Jenny. Not really knowing what I wanted to say. I decided to let her lead the conversation. I stopped at our home and got out of the car - that is when I suddenly realized. Since when did I begin thinking of her as Jenny again!!?? ---------- (To be continued) Everything for the Career Ch. 06 (Thank to all for your patience. Note that comments are more than welcome. You can comment on this story or send me an email via the link below. As usual, bricks and bouquets are welcome.) JENNIFER'S SIDE How do you converse? More importantly, about WHAT do you converse? Everything that was said and done, has previously resulted in nothing. Whatever you have tried to convince your husband about, has fallen on unmoving resolve. No words could ever take away the pain of my actions of all these years. I was unable to penetrate Arthur's heart before. Before also, he had listened, but even then, my words had failed to touch his soul. How then could I get past his memories this time? How could I make him feel, what I felt for him now? Understand me, my realization, my heart. My soul. My love. Would he ever? So I asked myself again. How do you converse? More importantly, about WHAT do you converse? What could I do THIS time, that he would understand? I had no ideas. But I knew 2 things. One, Arthur had agreed to meet me and talk to me. And two, somehow, somewhere, in the deepest recesses of my heart, I knew that I had to make this conversation count. No business win, no project success, no accolades or awards, no appreciation, no position or event in my life was as important as this. While everything else previously put my image and career at stake, this time my love was as stake. My life. My husband was my life. I realized this. And to NOT have him in my life, would kill me. That much was certain. I had to make this conversation. I knew this was the only opportunity I had to make things right. There would be no other. But the problem was, I did not know what to say. What to say to him that I had not said before? What to show him that I had not done before? Sure, I had resigned and Arthur was aware of that now (God bless my dada). He also knew that Bernie had sent the message on his own accord and not mine. But would that be enough? Is a resignation from your obsession and breaking of a relationship from an acquaintance, equivalent to make up 15 years of neglect? Can the totality of all my actions, over the last 15 years be erased by a simple act of giving up what I was obsessed about earlier? I don't know. And honestly, I didn't think so. And that scared me more and more as the days passed. Today, was Sunday. My Arthur was coming to talk to me. Presumably, he would let ME do all the talking. He would let me lead the conversation. He would not interrupt and try to get in what he wanted to say. That was the way my husband was. Yes. But that still did not resolve my conundrum. How would I convey the intensity of what I felt to him? How can you convert your words to feelings? By the time it was Sunday, I was exhausted. Exhausted from all the thinking, from all the planning and all the fear. I was beginning to get scared. Afraid and exhausted. And there seemed to be no avenues opening up for me. Exhausted. And afraid... When realization dawned on me. This was not a client gone bad. This was not an opportunity that was squandered. This was not a negotiation that had failed. This was my life and my husband. And to talk to your husband, to convey your feelings to him, you did NOT need a strategy. You do not *plan* a conversation with the one you love. You don't analyze in advance what he will say and formulate responses accordingly. No. You just went with the flow. I may not have faith in my ability to show Arthur what I felt. I may not have the faith in my ability to articulate my feelings. I may fail in convincing Arthur through words. But I had faith in my love. My love for Arthur would guide me through. Just as his would for him too. The love, the DEEP love that I knew was there, but the one that I had allowed to be pushed under the carpet of my obsession. The love that I had knew *I* had, but did not have the time to show my husband to. The love. THAT would guide me! The love. From a wife, to her husband. Arthur and I were two bodies. But our souls were one. Once upon a time. I had let that oneness become weak with the passage of time. But never again. This time, a Vice-President's mind and experience would not show the way. Instead, a wife's love and hope would shine the light. And for the first time in so many days since I heard Arthur wanted to see me, that I felt my love overflowing for my husband. No, this meeting was between a husband and wife. And so much could be conveyed between the two souls in this holy union, without so much so as speaking a word. --------- ARTHUR'S SIDE Well. This was a new one. I came to our home and expected to be greeted at the front door by Jenny, instead I get a locked door. Obviously, I was not informed of this and I wondered for a moment, whether Jenny had actually got my message. Of course she did. She had confirmed it via her father whom I did have a soft spot for. But looking at the closed door, the locked door, I was left wondering. Was I getting too soft? Was this how Jennifer was going to treat our discussion with? I did not hope she would fall at my feet begging to take me back, but the least she could have done, was at least be there. After all, she knew I was coming. And then a thought creeped up. What if, I mean, WHAT IF, she had gone to...her BANK??!!! I mean, it was natural for her to do this earlier when we were living together. And what would stop her from doing so now? Sure, she may have realized her love for me was stronger. But was it strong enough? I was wondering whether I should walk off on her for leaving me stranded like this, at a fragile juncture like this. I even caught myself thinking of her as Jennifer again!!! But then again, she had resigned. So why would she want to go to her bank for? I was pondering this, when the screeching of tyres brought my mind back to reality. A car, JENNY'S car, swerved around the corner, sped up the lane and screeched to a halt outside our garage, half the car still on the road. I stood watching as Jenny hurriedly opened the door and I could see relief flood her eyes. Her eyes... they seemed to be so grateful to see me... She reached inside and pulled out four packages from the back seat. Then she ran towards me, carrying two packages in each hand. Ran, as if I would walk away if she simply walked. She ran. To me. "I... hff,Um... hello... hon... Arthur.. huff, I .." she was trying to talk to me when I saw the packages. It was packed food from my favorite restaurant this side of town. "Calm down Jenny." I said, in as neutral a tone as I could muster, "what happened?" "I am SO sorry Arthur. So Sorry. My GOD! I hope you have not been waiting long... Oh GOD Arthur I am so sorr..." she started off crestfallen. "Jenny. Relax. I was here waiting just this last 5-7 minutes. Nothing happened. What about you? What's all this and this food for?" "Oh God Arthur!" she looked as if she were about to cry!! "Jenny... what happened?" I asked, trying to keep my voice neutral. "Oh Arthur... GOD! I wanted... I so desperately wanted to cook your favorite dish.. and I ...I ...GOD!" she started crying. My GOD! She actually began crying!!! "Jenny!" I shouted. That jolted her out of crying, "WHAT HAPPENED?" "The food... I wanted you to have home cooked meal, but ... god I... I... I BURNT THE FOOD Arthur! Oh GOD! I should have learnt to cook earlier... I am SO SORRY Arthur... I wanted to give you... OH GOD!" And despite the absurdity of the situation, I couldn't help it. I laughed out. LOUD. Jenny was taken aback for a moment. "Wha... what is it ... Arthur..?" she spoke out hesitatingly." "Jenny. It's OK! IT'S OK!!" I said, composing myself, reminding myself what I was here for. Regardless of what happened, Jenny had never really taken the time to understand and learn how to cook really good food. Not surprising then, she had burnt the food that she was supposed to cook for me. And then my face turned serious. She did not know how to cook. But she was TRYING to do it for me. Trying to make me happy. FOR ME! "Jenny..." I asked softly, "why didn't you just call them and ask them to deliver? Why go all the way and get the food yourself?" I continued. "Huh?" she was looking at me glaze eyed. That is when I realized it. She did not call them up because she was not really thinking clearly! She was so scared, nervous about her meeting with me, that she could not think clearly!! She was just focused on meeting me. There was nothing else, it seemed, that mattered to her more. Just our meeting. And me. That told me many things. But more importantly, it showed me a window to the anguish in Jenny's heart. It showed me just HOW MUCH I was beginning to mean to her. It reflected just how much she had changed, wanted to change. And I began to choke up. Dear GOD! If she had just shown a fraction of the concern and love then, this would not have happened. I took a deep breath and composed myself. I smiled at Jenny. She smiled, then turned serious, and then smiled again, hesitatingly. She was not sure what my smile meant. She was afraid to hope. "Shall we get in Jenny?" I asked. She continued to stare at me. Recognition sparkled in her eyes. A smile full of hope was spreading on her lips. And her eyes were watering up!! "Jenny?" I asked again. The smile spread. "JENNY?" I asked. A little louder. And her smile got EVEN wider. And her eyes began watering up even more! "What?" I asked seriously puzzled. And then... her tears began falling. Her smile was still plastered on her face as her tears began anew. Fresh, large tears streaking her face. And through all that, her smile kept on getting wider!! "What Jenny?" I asked softly, looking into her eyes. She took a deep breath, looked at the ground, composed herself, and then looked at me in the eyes. With a joy unrivalled that I had EVER seen in her eyes in all these years! "You called me 'Jenny', didn't you?" she asked. This time, I matched the smile plastered on her face with mine. --------- "That's Hugo Boss?" The question took me entirely by surprise. This was the first time she had commented on what I had put on. I looked at my shirt. "Yes." I said simply. "I..." she wanted to say something, but stopped. I got the impression that it was because she felt I would not take it nicely. "What Jenny?" I asked. "I think... Arthur, that black suits you. This shirt makes you... the old dark blue was not so... I mean this one brings out the ... um..." and she just got jumbled in her thoughts. I could see it in her eyes. "You like it?" I asked. "Yes." She replied demurely. "Then why have you never mentioned this before Jenny?" I asked. My tone became hard. "Why not?" She looked at me. And her eyes began watering up again. "You mean you didn't have time from your bank to comment on how your husband looked?" I continued looking at her eyes. Her eyes began tearing up again. And her breathing changed to a haggard pattern. And that is how, we opened our conversation. The most important conversation of our lives. Both of us. ---------- How long can you sit and discuss your past? How much angst should you put when determining how to get your best years back? How much depth of emotions should you have for the one you love, for the one who has wronged you, and yet... yet, the one whom you cannot really live without; the one, whom you hoped against hope would see how much you really need them? What is the correct proportion of love and hate you should display? Just how much should you push? How long can you continue? How long can you say and do? Again, how long can you sit and discuss your past? Well, everything that had to be said, was already said before. And what had to be done, already gone through. This realization came to me after an hour or so of discussion, as we stared at each other during the silences that so often seem to follow serious conversations. She, in anticipation of what I had to say, me, in understanding that whatever we discussed today, did not really make a difference -- what I wanted to decide, I *would* decide, discussion or not. There was nothing in the discussion that would convince me to begin our relationship anew, should I not want to get into that, nor anything that could convince me not to bring the relationship to a closure, should I really want that. The realization came. What we discussed, did not matter. What I wanted to decide, did. And ultimately, whether Jenny liked it or not, whether she would accept it or not, it would be my decision. For the first time in our married life, I would be the one deciding in which direction this relationship would go. Strange, what comes to your mind when you are in charge. It really depends on your view of life, I guess. All I could think of was Jenny, her love for me and the way she looked when she walked down the aisle. Yes, I also remembered the pain she gave me, the loneliness, the ache... and somehow, sitting here today in front of her, with her complete dependence on me, I did not really feel victorious. I felt... sad. This was not what should have happened. But it did, and I had to decide what to do. I took a deep breath. This was NOT going to be easy. For me, OR for her. "Jenny." I said simply. I looked at her. She looked at me, her eyes streaming with tears. A face that showed great pain -- pain of the soul, of the mind and of the spirit. "I still love you Jenny." Simple. "OH GOD!" That was her only response. Before she broke down bad. And I mean bad as in never-seen-her-so-bad kind of bad. She slipped from the sofa, onto the floor! Her palms covering her eyes, and she was crying. Big, heaving, racking sobs! I should have rushed at her. Should have crouched by her side. Should have comforted her. Instead I just let her cry. Love, sometimes, means letting the other person get his poison out his system, on their own. So I got up from my chair, sat crossed legged on the floor opposite her. And let her cry. Without touching her, or talking to her. I did not make any efforts to calm her. No hands on her shoulders. No running fingers through her hair. No speaking soft words. No assurances. No expression of the renewed love. No display of a rejuvenated emotion. Nothing. I just sat down on the opposite floor and watched as my wife cried her fears out. Her insecurities, her fears, her life... I watched as she cried it all out. And when her chest and shoulders stopped heaving, when the tension in her body dissipated, when her breathing became more steady, when the raging river of her sorrow became a mild stream, I reached for her. Removing the hands from her face, I looked into her wet eyes and tear-streaked face. Into her soul. "I still love you Jenny." I said again. She literally threw herself at me. And for the first time in so many weeks, I opened my arms and let her back into my life. ---------- JENNIFER'S SIDE Most people expect that when something unbelievably good happens to them, or something happens that is beyond their expectations, they become elated. They float in a cloud of happiness. Their wishes fulfilled. They turn ecstatic. They are happy. Nothing could be further from the truth. When most people are faced with unbearable happiness, they cry. Not laugh or jump in the air, punching the air or making victory signs. They cry. From relief. From happiness. From the feeling that says there is someone, something above, that is taking care of you. And so, I did too. I cried. Really cried. For everything that had happened. For everything that could have been different. And for that one force in the Universe, that I could never define, but had given me a husband, literally worth his weight in gold. A priceless human being. "I still love you Jenny." Oh God! OH GOOODDDDDDD!!! I *LIVED* for this moment. Ever since my husband separated, ever since I came to understand that it were MY actions that caused this, I was nothing but a shell. My bank, my obsession, it was so hollow... it really did not make a difference. And then to come to the edge and know that you were going to lose what you loved the most, your husband, AND to realize that your husband really loves you... had always loved you... and that you were just too blind to see it. THAT, That really brought the tears in my eyes. And I cried. Not for the fact that my husband had forgiven me. Not for the fact that my insecurities, my fears, were unfounded. But for the fact that despite ALL what I had done to my Arthur, when it really mattered, Arthur was there for me. More than what I can say about myself. And then... then when he separated my palms and opened his arms for me.... What can I say? God, don't give me heaven, for I already AM there on this very Earth. As I lay in my Arthur's arms, inside the cocoon of his body, inside the warmth that felt like a fireplace in a snowstorm outside, I felt his heart beat slowly. It seemed to talk to me, reassure me, comfort me. And strangely, it seemed to beat in rhythm with mine. Both our hearts. They felt like one. The tears came again. And head still on his chest, I let the tears flow for a long time as I just lay there. Completely dependent on him. And a single thought penetrated my consciousness. So, *THIS* is what Paradise felt like. --------- The first time I heard his laughter, 2 days after our reconciliation, in our home, was when he was watching a comedy movie, I ran to the bathroom. And closing the door, I leaned on it, breathing heavily and then I cried. Really hard, but trying to keep my voice down so that my Arthur would not hear it. I cried. At hearing his laughter in our home again. I had missed this so much in my life. I straightened up and washed my face. And went down to lay the table for dinner again. Finally I had cooked a dish. Nothing complex, just something simple. But I wanted to feed my husband. And damned if I was not ready to spend hours just perfecting the taste and look of the dish. The first 2 days after the reconciliation, were awkward. Crying and displaying your feelings is a very private thing. When you do that in front of someone, you make him a part of your innermost circle. So after the tears, the drama on the floor, we got up, I washed up and went back to the living room. He had gotten up and had stood near the window, looking outside, his back to me. His head was down. I knew. I walked back to him and pressed my breasts to his back, while encircling my arms on his shoulders, my head snug between his shoulder blades, as I felt him jerk and shake. I held him, as he too, cried silently. And for what seemed like an eternity, I let him. Then he turned to me, his eyes wet and I reached out to him. And kissed him on his lips. Let me tell you, the taste was by far sweeter than even the time when I had first shared the first kiss with him or when I kissed him not as his girlfriend but as his wife the first time. And then, we just stood there near the windows. Holding each other. Nothing. No words were necessary. None needed. Both of us afraid to speak the first. As if whatever we were sharing at the moment was so fragile, that merely uttering a word would splinter it, shatter it. Then he sniffled, looked up to me deep in my eyes. And our smiles matched each others. "You got to admit, it DOES look better." He said. Smiling. Eyes still wet. I gave him a puzzled look. He turned his head sideways and pointed at the curtains. I could not help it. I spluttered in a mixture of laughter and tears again. Even as his lips found mine again. ---------- No. I did not reach out to his "throbbing member" at the first night when we slept together after such a long time, nor did he try to caress the "quivering petals of the vagina". Nothing that immature. Everything for the Career Ch. 06 Nothing like that. Instead, we wore our pajamas, brushed our teeth said good night and cuddled in each others arms under the blanket. And with my head resting on his chest, for the first time in weeks, I slept a deep, peaceful slumber. It's different to sleep in the most comfortable environment alone and different to sleep with your husband by your side. The latter wins, hands down, ALL the time. And even as I fell into deep sleep, I could feel his heart beat reassuringly. And I knew instinctively, that it would always match mine. My husband was back with me by my side, where he belonged. And this time I swore nothing would separate us. Nothing. On the second night, we made love. We didn't try anything new. I did not take his penis in my mouth or allowed him access to my anus. Neither did he ask for a blowjob or some erotic position or oil massage. Instead, we did it missionary position. He, above me, me below him, clutching his ribcage as he came inside me, filling me up with so much of his love and seed. I did not have an orgasm, I was still too wound up, but let me tell you, to feel your man release his load inside you after so much both of you have gone through, and to know that he *loved* to release his seed inside you -- that is as good as, if not better, than an orgasm for a wife. And after we uncoupled and lay together in each other's arms, in the warm afterglow, Arthur did comment on how contended I looked. Then, he looked deep into my eyes and surprised me by joking about doing an encore. I surprised him by accepting it. This time there were fireworks! ---------- It is only when you have experienced harsh winters, that you can truly appreciate the beauty of spring. I had heard that quite a few times, but I understood it now, only in the last three months after the reconciliation. Understood, what I had been missing my entire life. Everyday was new. Everyday brought me new hope and life. There were no pressures of time, no goals to be achieved, nowhere to go in a hurry, no conflicting schedules, no obsession. No more giving up everything for the career. No more trying to adjust. No more trying to ASK someone to adjust. No more nerves. Just peace of mind. And a warm afterglow of life. The days were lazy. Arthur and I went out as much as possible. We went to parks. We went to movies. We went to fields of flowers and kissed. We went on picnics and we went to bistros for coffee. We went to relatives, we went to my parents, we had a trip to the Grand Canyon with ALL of us, me, my Arthur, my dada and my mother. And I did cry once while we were there, silently, when I saw dada and Arthur sharing a joke amongst themselves. Dirty, no doubt, considering the way they both guffawed afterwards. But their closeness was enough to make us feel like a family again. We planned and executed. Sorry, not executed, DID. Just a left over from my 'old' life. And there was nothing bigger this time than the approaching birthday of my Arthur. Nothing. I was never there for him, ever, in the last few years. And there was NOTHING that would make me pull away from celebrating Arthur's birthday henceforth. I was agonizing about what to give to Arthur, when my father, my dada, gave me the perfect gift. An all expenses paid trip to Switzerland. I was overwhelmed. Not only was it the perfect gift, but amongst all the travelling he did Switzerland was the ONLY place Arthur never had visited, co-incidence or not. And he was always keen. To go to Switzerland once. If there was anything after the Orient Express, it was skiing down the Alps that Arthur wanted the most. And this time, no force on Earth could keep me away from fulfilling my husband's dreams. I had been to Switzerland before. As a Vice President. But this time, I would go as a wife. And to be able to ski, with Arthur, while dada and mom cheered us on (Mom always claimed that the Alps made her giddy -- but I think she was just putting us on) filled me with an enthusiasm that left me counting the days to the vacation on Arthur's birthday. After skiing, we would retire to our rooms to make love. Only to begin another day anew. Oh thank you God! And I thanked God again, for his part in this. Could never have done it without him. ---------- He spilled his hot tea on his pants. He actually did. And then he danced around, trying to get it off him. I should have known. Mom was too much of a honest woman to keep a secret around. We were having one of our Sunday afternoon tea session (with tea and cakes -- Arthur never liked biscuits and neither did my dada), when Arthur innocently stated that he never supported genuine fur coats because of the animals involved when mom said that original fur was irreplaceable because it warmed you so much, like for example, when we all would be going on a trip to Switzerland as part of Arthur's birthday celebrations. That was it!! Arthur caught on so fast, that he realized about the surprise trip we had planned for him before I could say something to cover it up and I could see his face. My God! It lit up. Like a 50000 watt sheet of bulbs, it lit up. "Switzerland? My God! JENNYYYY!" he was at his ecstatic best when he got up to hug me. And then dropped the tea cup resting on his knee. I was laughing so hard at that, as he was trying to pick up the cup, wipe the tea off his pants and hug me at the same time. And while dada was throwing daggers to mom with his eyes, mom was laughing hilariously at the situation, when dada also burst out laughing. The laughter echoed this afternoon far, and the entire situation was so much like a fairy tale. I looked up at the blue sky. And thanked God once again. And in two weeks, we would be in Switzerland. On the Alps. All of us. Our family. Celebrating my Arthur's birthday. And because of the fact that I wanted to make this occasion really, really special, I wanted to leave nothing to chance. There would be no stone left unturned. And I had all the time in the world to make it special. Our life, had just turned perfect. ---------- The call came during late afternoon. It was still a week before our trip. Arthur picked it up and his face turned serious. My heart stopped. Never since the last three months of our reconciliation had I seem him getting so serious. He kept on looking at me as he talked in hushed tones in the telephone. Then he took a deep breath and looked at me. "It's for you Jenny. It's your bank." he said. There was no emotion on his face, his eyes, or his demeanor. "Tell them I don't work for them anymore. I am not interested in them anymore. I have nothing to do with them. Tell them to go away." I said. Hoping this would reassure Arthur. "Jenny... I... I think you should listen to this lady Jenny." said Arthur. Still holding the phone in his hand. His face was becoming more serious by the minute. And I was panicking. I didn't want Arthur to have any ideas. After so much, I didn't want to lose Arthur again. "I am not interested in talking to them Arthur. Tell them and keep the phone down!" I said. My face full of determination. "Jenny... please, take this call." He said. I had never known him to be so insisting. Ever. "Arthur...what..." I continued, before he interrupted. "Edwards has had a heart attack Jenny!!" He said. Even as my breathing stopped. "He is in the hospital. The.. the doctors tell that...that he may not survive the night. He wants to ...has requested to see you... says... " said Arthur, taking a deep breath "that you are like his daughter... he wants to see you before he dies...I.." continued Arthur, before I lunged and grabbed the phone from his hands. I spoke to my long time secretary. And my hands shivered from what I heard. Edwards Sterling III, more a father than a CEO and President, was not going to survive the night. And I had to grab the chair. The phone fell from my hands as the tears came. The man who sacrificed his career and position to hope that I, Jennifer, whom he had always called his daughter, would get her marriage together. The man in whose offices and with whom I had spent my youth and teenage, almost like a father to me... on the death bed? It COULD NOT BE! Arthur rushed to my side as I clutched him tightly. And I began crying. Began rocking and crying. Since the last three months, I had never cried. But today, the sadness overwhelmed me again. And I began crying my eyes out. And the afterglow of life, the sunshine, vanished in an instant, as I was plummeted from the billowy clouds of my reconciliation to the harsh ground of the real life. ---------- The scene at the hospital was completely different. Instead of a few close relatives, I saw the entire staff gathered over there. It was a sea of people, that parted immediately to let me pass. "Please Jennifer..." "Save us..." "You're the only one Jennifer... please madam, our children depend on you." "God. Thank God you are here Ms Jennifer." "You're the only one." "Now we'll show them." "She's the only one who can do it." Surprisingly, amid the cacophony of sounds in the hospital, these were the words that I kept hearing. I really did not pay attention to them, but it was pretty unnerving. It was as if a very big decision were awaiting Edwards, and I was the only one who could take it. Charles, Edwards' son, who was around 28 was also there. He saw me, and began crying again. I could make out from his red eyes that he had also been crying before. I hugged him and managed to calm him down. He sat on the sofa, still sobbing. Charles was already a junior manager. No doubts he was being groomed to take over the bank when Edwards retired. But now...? "Thanks Jennifer." He managed to say, and I pushed all thoughts aside. I nodded and went towards the room where Edwards was resting. Charlene was there too. With her two kids. They looked like waifs. Charlene was the victim of an abusive husband who had abandoned her after taking off on all her money and divorced her while she was eight months pregnant with the twins. Edwards had got her a job. Being uneducated and not having any real skills, she was in the packing and forwarding department. She managed ok on her salary. Edwards always used to ask me to take care of Charlene. "If she loses this job at FCB, I don't know what she is going to do." He used to say. "Miss Jennifer!" she rushed to me. "Thank God you are here. You are the only one who can help us. We'll all lose our jobs Ms. Jennifer. Please, help us." She pleaded with me. "Please ma'am." The twins spoke in unison. Looks like Charlene had told them to do so as soon as she spoke to me. They looked too scared. They were looking at a cruel side of life so early on in their age. It was not fair. I nodded, as if to give them reassurance and continued on my way to Edwards' room. I went inside, not really understanding what was going on but my priority was Edwards. Arthur accompanied me till the door where Edwards was admitted. He waited outside while I went inside. The contrast was startling. Compared to the cacophony outside, it was dead silent inside. And the hissing and beeping of machines made the hackles on the back of my neck stand out. I took a moment, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the semi-darkness. "Hey babe!" The voice was weak. And it sounded like a man on the verge of death, trying to make it sound as if there was nothing wrong with him. "Edwards..." was all I could mutter before the room distorted with my tears. He had to have at least 5 tubes inside his body, the arms, the legs and other tubes attached to his neck and heart. My God! He looked so frail. He did not look 70. He looked 100. "Edwards...what..." I began, choking up, before he beckoned me with his head. "What happened to you?" I asked through my tears, as soon as I sat near his bed. "I got old, kid." He smiled. Still the same old Edwards. Still the same old steel in him. "What... why, I mean, when?" I asked. "Since the surprise coup attempt by Christopher." He said. Christopher Chanel was one of the biggest banking AND insurance institution in America. While they were just one layer short of the depth and width of FCB, they more than had triple our force and revenue internationally. Christopher had many a times, tried to take over FCB. But Edwards had refused. FCB was Edward's blood, sweat and tears. And he was not going to sell his soul, which is what he called FCB, to anyone. But this surprise coup was nothing really surprising. "How?" I asked him. "Did you miss the signs?" I asked. "No." replied Edwards, with a smile, "I just kept missing a certain Vice President." My heart constricted and throat choked. Yes, it was true. Edwards had never grudged that I wanted to leave FCB to save my marriage, but we both knew the cost. And even today, he missed me. He did not talk about the loss of reputation or business that was a direct result of my walking out. He just talked about missing me. I suppressed a shudder and embraced him. And I was shocked at how thin he had become. I had to refrain myself from crushing him. "Jennifer... I..." began Edwards. His eyes were already wet with tears. "I have a favor to ask, child." "Sure Edwards. Whatever you want. WHATEVER!" I said. "Look Jennifer, I have always treated you as a daughter. And I've never asked anything from you. But this time, I will. Can you promise me that you will give what I want?" asked Edwards. "Of course Edwards!" I said. "You will not have to ask twice!" "Thanks Jenny. I knew I could count on you." He said. I put my hands on his, careful not to press the tubes attached to the back of his hands. "Jennifer, FCB is my child Jenny. And I don't want to give it to someone else." He began. I nodded in agreement. "The only way to bypass this takeover from Christopher is to amalgamate FCB with the Hiro Bank, the FCB supporter in China, ensuring that the board brings in enough Directors, to vote down this takeover, as you know it's an independent legal entity." He continued. I nodded in agreement again. "But the Hiro Bank board wants more powers and concessions in their dealings with FCB, if they are going to support us." He continued. "Powers and concessions that cannot be given without certain commitments from their ends and without... hard negotiations." He said. A chill rose down my spine. "I need a powerful negotiator in Asia, Jenny." His eyes were beseeching at this point. They were also getting very wet. And my breathing was becoming troubled. "I know you've just recovered from an almost broken marriage, but I need someone dependable to lead the negotiations. Someone who can think independently, someone who I know has the highest moral standards. Someone I... I can trust!" he breathed painfully. Talking so much must be hurting him. "I need you to go to Asia and negotiate on behalf of FCB." He stated. I jerked up from my chair, shocked! No. NO! NO!!!!! This could not be happening to me. Not to ME! "Please Jenny... all I ever ask you is to save my... our bank Jenny... please..." he was now actually begging me! I had NEVER seen Edwards beg!! OH MY GOD!! "Edwards...." I started. But then his eyes went from wet to teary. And he, the man I had known never to bow to anyone or anybody, broke down! "PLEASE Jenny... Please... please...I need your...help. Pleas..Please." was all he said. All he continued saying. I was going mad. I was going crazy. A hundred different emotions and thoughts were running through my mind. This could not be happening to me! God was playing a bad joke!! His sense of humor was absolutely getting perverted!!!! I gulped and choked on my own tears. And the first thing that came to my mind was how this would affect my relation with Arthur again. Our relationship survived a break once, I knew, it would not, twice. And Arthur meant more to me than anything in this world. But then, while I knew Arthur for over 15 years, I knew Edwards even longer than that. He was almost like my father!! And I could not abandon him too!!! I took a deep breath and relaxed. Then I turned to Edwards. "When... I'm just asking Edwards, mind it... okay... its not ... affirmation...look...okay, when were you..." I asked. "Next Week." He replied. Tearfully. "Next week, if you can travel to Asia for four days Jenny, our bank will be saved. I know it." He continued. It could not have impacted me more if someone had stabbed me in the heart with cold steel. The shock was too great for me to even enable me to talk cohesively!! What Edwards was asking... was on Arthur's Birthday, no less! "I... I don't know Edwards... it is Arthur's birthday... I've never celebrated... I want to be with my husband Edwards... I... " I was stammering now. "Take Arthur along Jennifer. I have no problems... but please my... daughter, please!! Save our bank!!!" said Edwards. And to see this proud man, who never had anything but love for me as a daughter, who had always thought about my betterment over his bank, beg to me, broke my heart. But the choice was not simple. I knew Arthur. Very well. If I did not go with him on *THIS* birthday, our marriage was over. OVER! Again. Arthur would interpret this as the BANK coming between our lives YET AGAIN! No, Arthur would go into a destruction mode if I broke *HIS* heart too!!! And I was caught between two opposing forces!!! I was being crushed! I could not breathe, could not think, and could not even decide what to do!!!! Before I composed myself and reached my chair again, the machines suddenly began beeping and then it was positively like a siren. I could see Edwards shuddering; looking at the ceiling, not really focusing anywhere, in what I think was another attack. I was right, as the door slammed open and three doctors and five nurses pushed inside with a variety of instruments. I was forcefully asked to leave and I could hear one nurse say "My God!" before I opened the door and stepped outside. Arthur was waiting for me. I cried and flew into his arms. I was shivering and the closeness of your loved ones so near to death had unnerved me. Unnerved me very badly. He reassured me, ran his fingers through my hair as I cried hard. "What did he say?" asked Arthur. I looked to his face. My life, as I knew it, had just reached the final circle of hell. (To be concluded in EVERYTHING FOR THE CAREER – The Final Conflict) Everything for the Career Ch. 07 (Thank to all for your patience. Note that comments are more than welcome. You can comment on this story or send me an email via the link below. As usual, bricks and bouquets are welcome.) * JENNIFER'S SIDE What do I tell Arthur? This was the singular thought in my mind as we moved from Edwards' room, walking the distance of the long corridor, towards the exit. Arthur was holding me protectively in his arms, and I was huddling up against him, taking support from his spirit. I knew my husband very well. He would know, from the tension in my body, that something had happened. And he would want to know it as soon as we sat in the car, away from the hustle of the hospital. And I needed to think of a response before I sat down with him. I tried to put back everything behind me, but the vision of Charlene and her two waifs, of Edwards, almost like my father -- who had sacrificed his reputation and business so that *I* could be happy in my marriage -- imploring me to save his bank, what also, at one time, used to be MY bank, to see thousands lose their jobs because I was dedicated to my husband and gave him more importance than the lives of thousands of others... all that kept on coming to my mind as we walked. What do I do? I could see Charlene out on the streets, if I did not take up Edwards and participate in this negotiations. Her two children, instead of learning and playing would probably be working part time, and GOD knows whether they would even receive decent meals three times a day. I could see Edwards, heartbroken, to see his only daughter, refuse to fight for, what was till then, their blood, their sweat, their temple. To see his good deeds and real concern about me NOT being reciprocated. To see his dream, his soul, crumble around his eyes as I could not put in, just 4 days of my life. I could see. Hundreds of them. Shouting. Screaming. Cursing. Because I was so devoted to my husband that he was more important than saving the livelihood of a thousand employees. That I could not spend 4 days from my life to save any of them. That I sacrificed the betterment of a thousand souls, to save mine. And frankly, this was scaring me. I was thinking all this and I knew something had to be done. Within moments, scant moments, we would pass the end of the corridor, and into the exit. We would be out directly into the parking space. We would sit in our car and instead of starting the car, Arthur would turn towards me. One hand on the backrest of the seat, his eyes penetrating mine, he would ask me what happened inside back there. And no matter what happened, I knew I would not tell him anything, but the truth. And that's what kept on worrying me. That's what kept on running in my mind. I could not turn back on Edwards and my bank. Not when there were thousands of careers at stake. And I could not bear to be separated from my Arthur again. This was going to be the biggest decision of my life. And I thought once again as we neared the exit. What do I tell Arthur? What do I do? ---------- "This is big, is it not?" A simple question. From my Arthur. I nodded. We were sitting in the car. As I had thought, he did not start the car. Instead, he turned around and looked at me. His eyes were unreadable, his demeanor, neutral and voice, very steady. He did not seem overly interested, OR overly unconcerned. Just waiting. Practically. "Yes." I barely managed to get that out of my mouth. I was looking down, not at Arthur, thinking and re-thinking in my mind, about what to say. "It's about the bank. They need you again, don't they?" he asked. Voice -- no emotion. I could not answer. Not after all that had happened between us. I simply looked up at him with a great effort and tears sprang in my eyes. "I...see." He said. And for the briefest instance, I thought I saw the sadness return to his eyes. Then, before I could reach out to him and reassure him, or even speak to him, he took a deep breath and turned away from me. Starting the car smoothly, he pulled it out of the parking lot in one fluid motion, before he forwarded the gear and we sped off into the night. We did not speak the rest of the way. ---------- The next morning, I awoke earlier than usual. Arthur was still sleeping. Yesterday night was one of the worst. We spent it entirely in silence. We parked the car in the garage, walked into the house, bathed (actually, Arthur did) and went to sleep. All without uttering a word. I think both of us did not want to be the first to speak. As if that would spoil things. As if that would bring us back from our happiness so far and plunge us into the darkness of despair and reality. I thanked God profusely for the fact that despite not speaking a word, Arthur and me slept together on the same bed. And I was ready to cry in relief, when my hand accidently touched his -- and he did not pull it back. So, today morning, I bathed, put on slight makeup, dressed, made breakfast for Arthur, left him a note saying I was at my parents, and then sat in my car and drove to my parents' house. I knew one thing, if anybody, it was my Dada who would judge and decide decisively. And while he would always, as usual, leave the decision to me, his viewpoints often gave me a great deal of clarity, more importantly, they always managed to convince my inner self. A very important thing to do when taking a big decision. In my note, I had told Arthur about this and also mentioned that I would appreciate if he were not to take anything to mind or heart. At least, to wait for me until I came back and not do anything rash. I hoped he would listen. I also told him anytime he wanted, he could call me, and I would stop my conversation with my parents and rush over to his side. Anytime he wanted. With hope in my heart and a prayer on my lips, I set out to meet my parents. I hoped somewhere, somehow, before I returned back, I would have the solution, and more importantly, a decision. And I hoped that no matter what, this decision would not see me and Arthur on separate ways. I would just die. I could not live without my Arthur. No way. He was the center of my Universe. And nothing would change that. ---------- "I think what you are planning to do is the epitome of stupidity Jenny. You are going to lose Arthur if you decide to save the bank. You have done enough for the bank. For God's sake, LET IT GO! Its time you owed something to your husband. Just don't go on this trip. Edwards or no Edwards. Arthur is your future. Not FCB. Don't for a moment think otherwise. Arthur will be there when FCB and Edwards and all these so called thousands of employees who are begging you at the moment will be gone. He was always there for you and will be there for you always. Don't betray him. Don't betray his trust in you. Don't betray his love. For once in your life, consider him as the important part of your life. Not FCB!!" Simple. No word bashing, no flowery language, no trying to put it *softly*. No. Straight from the hip, damned if I liked it or not. That was my Dada. Frank. Outspoken. And somehow, always extremely realistic. "Dada, around a thousand employees depend on this! If I don't go then..." "Are you Jesus Christ?" he interrupted me. "What?" I looked at him goggle eyed. "I said, is your name Jennifer, or Jesus Christ?" he asked again, his eyes penetrating mine. "Jennifer." I replied softly. Not really know what he was implying. "Then why don't you leave all that salvation bit for him?" he asked. That punch line took my breath away. It felt as if my father had hit me. Why was it so difficult for my father to understand that 4 days of my life meant nothing. But I would always be devoted to Arthur. And he could come WITH me. We would be so much TOGETHER. He would be my emotional and spiritual strength. And so many would benefit! I thought my Dada would understand. That he would show me a way that satisfied both my husband's needs and I could also save the bank. But instead, he was raging over how immature and wrong it was of me to leave Arthur once again. Just why didn't he understand? "Mother...?" I turned to her. "I...don't know Jenny." She said. "But if *I* were in your position, I would have left the bank and its problems to be resolved by someone else, and spent my life with my husband." "Mother..." I said softly. Not knowing what to say. "Jenny." She said softly. I looked at her, and was surprised to see steel in her eyes! "Unlike you, MY husband is really more important to me than anything in this world. And I would not be talking to MY parents about this. I would do what I had to do. My husband comes first. Not only in words, in my actions too!" I stared at her dumbfounded. She had practically accused me of just *talking* about how important Arthur was for me, and not really *doing* enough to show it. I felt, that this one time, she was correct. I had re-dedicated myself to Arthur. My husband. And nothing was above him. And yet... the images of Charlene's children... the begging tone in Edward's voice...the people who depended on me for their lives, their careers... just for 4 days in all... I did not know what to do.I knew that I wanted to save FCB. But not at the cost of losing my husband. So I decided to talk it out with Arthur, as soon as I got back. Yesterday was too much for both of us, but now since we would have calmed down and had a night's sleep between us, maybe we could look at this thing differently. ---------- What was unnervering me, was that Arthur's face was an expression of... nothing. I could see or feel nothing from his face and body language. His expression and demeanor was... just waiting. Waiting to hear me out. His eyes were not showing any emotion. Not anger, not sadness... not love. No emotion. It was as if I were an object of scientific discovery, to be observed, recorded and filed away with a clinical detachment. He was waiting for me to begin. He had a relaxed stillness that comes from knowing what you want to do... from knowing and understanding and accepting the path you were going to walk on. And I involuntarily shuddered. At the fact that he had already decided what to do. And more importantly, for the first time in 3 months, for the lack of love in his eyes that I was used to seeing when we had reconciled. I did not know what Arthur had decided. But I wanted to talk with him first. I prayed silently to God, and I began. "I need your help honey." Clear. To the point. There was no way I was going to go ahead without his help. "Is that a Vice President talking, or a wife talking?" My God! The question completely blanked out my mind!! And thetotal lack of ANY emotion in his voice made me actually miss my line of thought! The question hit me hard. In the gut. "Arth...honey...I... I wanted to ask your help. There is something come up and...I wanted you to be there for me...it's not easy for me, but in this ...this hard time, I want you to ...to stand BY me, WITH me... because..." I continued, before he interrupted me. "Oh, I see." He said, in an unwavering, emotionless voice. "A Vice President.Disguised as a wife!" His last question had already taken the steam out of what I wanted to say. Now, as I looked at him, trying to deal with his statement, an unnamed fear probed into my spine! His face! The look on his face blew an Arctic chill up my whole body!! His face was devoid of ALL emotions!!! The questions, mixed with any lack of emotion on his face, coupled with me having forgotten this side of him for 3 months since we reconciled... it was too much for me. I started tearing up again. What could I say? What should I do? "I know." That was all he added. And still, his voice showed no emotion, his eyes were unreadable and his body language, very relaxed. I jerked up my head at that revelation! "Arthur...I..." I started saying, when he got up. Clearly, the conversation was over. Even before it fully began! "Please try and understand that..." when he interrupted me again. "No Jenny," he said, looking at me, "I want you to understand. Just one thing. It is your decision. Only yours. And there is no help you are going to get from me. You decide." He added. I was clearly losing control now. I could feel it. Even though I was still his 'Jenny', I could feel him slipping into his earlier mode. I wanted to hold him, comfort him, tell him that it was HE, always HE who would be important to me, and that this was supposed to have been HIS decision -- if he had said YES, we would have gone, if he had said NO, we would not have gone, simple as that -- HIS decision, but now, he had put that onus, that terrible burden of taking this life altering decision, on ME! And at this time I could only think of what my Dada had told me in the morning: The biggest conflicts in life are the ones you fight with yourself. "I know if I refuse, you will not go. And I know if I agree, you will jump on that chance. I don't want to decide for you Jenny. It *HAS* to be your decision. And yours alone." He continued. What he was saying, in a way, was correct. It did not make a difference what I did to follow his yes or no. What mattered was what *I* thought about it. About the situation. About FCB. About my life. About...my Arthur! I jerked out of my reverie when I heard the door close softly. Arthur, it seemed has better things to do while I planned out my choice. Three months. Three months it had been. Blissful. Happy. Idyllic. Three months, when I had forgotten what it was to cry. But in the last 2 days, I had been crying. For Edwards. And today, for my husband. And I wondered at this thing called LIFE, that had finally, brought me a full circle. As I pondered about that, I realized one thing. This was no crisis. No. Rather, my life was now in the hands of extraordinary circumstances. I knew, extreme conditions require extreme actions. I knew that. So, I decided to talk to someone whom I did not know would ever talk with me again, or even see me for that matter. I picked up my phone and dialed Bernie's office. ---------- Bernie. The man was like another father to me. And I had cursed him. Wished him ill-health. Misery. Hurt him and his heart. Spit on his spirit. I had broken all ties with him. And here I was, hoping that he would forgive me. And show me a way. I really had no one to turn to. Just what was I thinking? And what was I doing? What my father and mother said, made sense. 'Seemed' correct. But it did not give me a good feeling. And I had realized it long ago, tons of mental efforts at reaching a logical conclusion, could not hold a candle to the instantaneous and singular feeling that all is well... or that it is not, that rises from your gut, the moment you take a correct or an incorrect decision. No amount of brain power was going to replace the feelings that told you something was not going well... or that something was. And the feeling that I got when I thought about deciding to go with what my parents told me was... well, not that good. But the bad part about the human mind and heart is that they not only tell you when you are making a wrong choice, but they also work for multiple choices. Together. And so, if I was not feeling 'that' good, thinking about doing what my parents told me, I was getting an 'absolutely not good' feeling when I decided that I would, instead, play the good soul and leave Arthur and save the soon-to-be unemployed workers. Why is it, that my mind and heart, could not realize that I was doing something good? Something that I had been told throughout my life, was the 'righteous' and 'correct' way to live? Why was my heart not willing to accept that sacrificing Arthur for the betterment and the achievement of a bigger, better goal, that was correct, was itself the right thing to do? If my mind filled with fear when I contemplated walking the path my father and mother described, as I shuddered at the implications of my absence, it filled itself with absolute dread, when I thought about saving the bank, at the cost of losing Arthur. I did not know. Good, better, worse, worst... choices between good and bad, between a wrong and something even more wrong... things were getting blurred. Clarity was disappearing. And I was not thinking straight any longer. Did not know if I was *capable* of thinking straight any longer. But I knew one thing. You can lie to the world. You can lie to your loved ones. You can even lie to God. But, you cannot lie to yourself. And THAT, that is precisely what was telling me that losing Arthur, was not an option.*Should not* be an option. And that was telling, Arthur was your true life. The way it was meant to be. It told me that whatever action I took, there would be unpleasant consequences. But walking away from Arthur again? THAT would have the MOST UNPLEASANT consequence. EVER! And my heart veered towards Arthur. But then Edwards came up. Weak, dependent, lying in the hospital, people with tears streaming down their cheeks, pulling my sleeves, asking, BEGGING me to save them, the bank... I was out of control! So, I decided to get a perspective. A completely different one. Bernie's. Again. And I knew he would be seething against me. And that was an advantage. He would NOT think twice before hurting me. And THAT is precisely what I wanted. For Bernie to HURT me. Hurt me with his precise words and thinking. His thoughts. I wanted him to cut me with his startling revelations, that only Bernie was capable of producing, I wanted him to peel the skin off my sorrow, my lament, and show me the real action that would, or rather SHOULD, be taken. I wanted him to fire all cylinders. At me. Tell me what to do. For in his anger, I would hope to find salvation from this problem. So I went to Bernie's. Not knowing how he would greet me, entertain me, talk to me, guide me, or even standing there, tolerate me. Me, the woman whom he always considered his daughter. Me, whom he had never given a wrong advice to. Me, whose happiness meant a lot to him. Me, who had left all that and thrown mud on his face to protect her husband. To defend him. How would he react? I did not know. All I know is that Julie nodded at me. And I took a deep breath, turned the door knob on his cabin and without waiting for a reaction from him, walked straight into his cabin, closing the door after me. ---------- I walked into his cabin and found Bernie seated with a frown on his face. That was strange. Normally, in situations like this, when his clients desert him, or bad-mouth him, and then find that there is no real estate agent better than him, when they come back red-faced - Bernie generally has a smirk on his face. But instead today, he had a frown. I waited for a sign. That I could talk. About the direction I should take. Of what I should do. But, nothing was forthcoming, except for that neutral features and the frown. I took a deep breath. "I need your advice." Eyes straight on his. No response. Just the frown. And the inscrutable expression. "Bernie... I need your advice." Nothing. "Look, if you want to stare me down, do so later. But can you at least..." I was mid-sentence, before he interrupted. Before his face turned crimson. Before he erupted. "Have I hurt you so much Jenny?" he asked. His tone, like fire crackling in the furnace. "Bernie... what..." I started out, before he interrupted me again. Coldly. "So much?" he asked, "that you had to wait for so many months to tell me the good news?" I was puzzled. "What news Bernie?" I asked. "That you and Arthur are back. Was I so bad in writing an email? Is this how you will punish me?" I remained silent. "Why didn't you tell me that you guys were back again?" he asked. Everything for the Career Ch. 07 I looked at him then steadied my voice. "Perhaps not for lon... I mean... " I started. His face took on the realization of the last sentence. "It's the bank again. Is it not?" Astute. I wondered how he did that. "Yes." I said, looking directly at him. "And I don't know what to do." "Are both of them important to you?" he asked. Voice steady. "No." I said. The only perceptible change was the raising of his eyebrows. And as all good listeners are wont to do, he waited for me to continue, instead of pushing me by asking a question. "No." I said; my voice barely a whisper. "My Arthur is important to me. In the whole world. Nothing else is." I said softly. "And you think there is nothing wrong in staying with your precious Arthur, even when you know that only 4 days of your life are needed?" he asked. I was stunned. "How did YOU know?" I asked. "I keep track of what's happening Jenny." He said somberly. "Like... spying?" I asked, quite astonished. "No. But I do have people in FCB whom I know." He said. "And what did they tell you?" I asked. "That you would probably not go to the negotiations. Because they know now how dedicated you are to Arthur." He said. "And...?" I probed further. "And..." he hesitated. "And they think that you are a big hypocrite and a liar." His eyes were solely focused on mine. He paused. Then continued. "Because all these years you treated him... well, you put him in the doghouse, did not pay any attention to him, ignored him. And all of a sudden he's the light of your life?" I could sense the beginnings of the tears in my eyes. "Yes." I said. "I did. And I am now trying to redeem myself in his eyes." I said. "You mean, even at the expense of the bank?" he asked. I nodded in agreement. "At the expense of thousand employees?" I affirmed by nodding my head again. "By making them jobless, homeless, and ... and... and God knows what else?" He seemed to like twisting the knife. "I don't care about the world Bernie." I said. "For me Arthur IS my world. And I don't mind taking on the world because of him." "And you will be able to live with the consequences of your actions?" he asked. "I don't know whether I can live with the consequences of NOT going to this negotiations and saving the bank. But I DO KNOW that I CANNOT live without Arthur." I said. He fell back on his chair. His frown disappeared. His hands behind his head, as he relaxed. I knew. He was thinking. "THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TAKING SO MUCH TIME IN DECIDING?" He yelled. I jerked back in my seat. "I..." "WHAT?" he was still screaming. "Because... I don't know Bernie. It seems there are 3-4 people living inside my head. All of them telling me to go in different directions. I don't know. I don't know!" I said. My face was still passive as stone. But I think the tears on my cheeks gave me away. "Jenny..." he said softly, leaning across the table, "Jenny, why are so feeling so guilty about loving and making it up to your husband?" he asked. "Because... because I think I will be doing it at the cost of a thousand people." I said. "Because Edwards, who is like my father, will be broken if I don't go. Because its just 4 days from my life. Because... because it's the right thing to do!" He stared at me steadily. The room had grown pin drop silent. I looked at him. And I saw. The steel. Return in his eyes. And I silently thanked God for that. And then he asked me a question: "What if the negotiations fail?" The question. My God! It was as if he had gotten up and SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE!!! "Wha... WHAT?" I asked. Not quite sure what he was asking. "Jenny. What if you sacrifice Arthur? What if you show him that ULTIMATELY, it IS the bank that is the most important? What if you break his spirit by going to these negotiations? What if you take this opportunity to prove to the employees that you are their savior? What if you prove that you DO consider Edwards your father figure and decide to go to the negotiations? What if you think you have a GOLDEN HALO at the back of your head!!?? What if you go to the negotiations with the intention to SAVE THE WORLD, Godammit!! BUT THE NEGOTIATIONS FAIL?" My mouth was open in sheer shock!!! I had NOT EVEN CONSIDERED THIS ANGLE!!! "You think this is a movie?" he asked steadily. "A book, perhaps?" he continued. "Where the hero or heroine makes a supremely correct decision, sacrifices her or his love and things ULTIMATELY GO THEIR WAY? You think that after this is over, things will somehow MAGICALLY become alright? That you guys will ultimately, run towards each other in a field of sunflowers in slow motion and the end credits will roll!!!???" I was shell shocked. THIS was a completely new revelation even for me!! "You think, just because you are on the side of righteousness, just because you have SACRIFICED your husband on the altar of DUTY, just because you have executed your dues as a good human being, you think you will WIN the negotiations?' The tears began. This time, I made no attempt to wipe them. "What if the negotiations fail? Every nightmare you have conceived will happen. People will STILL point fingers at you and say you were not in the correct frame of mind. Edwards will STILL be disappointed. People will STILL lose their jobs. And you will ALSO HAVE LOST ARTHUR!!" I could not move. Could not breathe. Could not think. All I could do was have that feeling that hits you in the brain that THIS! THIS is the solution you were looking for!! THIS is what WILL happen. And the feelings made me realize how much I was wrong about this whole thing! "What if the negotiations fail Jenny?" For the first time since the conversation began, I saw a slight hint of wetness in Bernie's eyes. "What if?" And to tell you the truth, I had no answer. And I cried. This time, I took my face in my palms and cried. I looked up only when I felt his hands on my shoulders. "Jenny... child... " he said. I looked up at him in hope. "Do the correct thing Jenny. Not what you THINK is correct." He said in a fatherly tone. "The bank. Its employees. Their futures... they mean NOTHING. NOTHING! But yours does. Arthur's does. Do what you were meant to do. And leave everything else to God. God gives each one a soul. THAT is the most important part. You are responsible for your own soul and no one else's. Your duty is not to take care of the bank. Or its employees. Or Edwards. Your duty is first and foremost to saving and redeeming your soul. Because that is the only important thing there is. Because THAT, that is the ONLY thing on which you will be judged. Save the world, but lose your soul. And you will be no better than anyone else who lives his or her life in sin. And if your soul is Arthur, as I know it is, then I need not clarify more. There is nothing else to say." He concluded. The room went silent again. The only sounds were the hum of the air conditioner and our breaths. Mine ragged, his steady. To say that this conversation cleared everything would be a lie. To say that I was now full of hope and my guilty feelings were washed away would be a falsehood. To state that I was now completely confident about my course of action, inaccurate. The fear... the fear of HURTING your loved ones was STILL there. But now, I did KNOW the action I had to take now. And while I was sure there would be pain, both of the heart and spirit, I knew there would be no HESITATION this time around. None. ---------- I drove with a purpose. I had reached my decision. It would be most difficult decision of my life. And I was sure of losing my closest. But I realized one that its best to leave the consequences to God. And I prayed to God, that Arthur would understand why I was doing, what I was doing. He was not my mate. My life partner. He had grown far more than that. He was a part of me. I wanted him to know that no matter what happened in the future, he would always remain the center of my Universe. I stopped for a few minutes on the roadside. My tears were getting in the way of my driving. And I remembered the very first time when I was in a similar situation. When I was made VP. When I had called my parents from the traffic. When I had cried on the phone with them. And then... then what my father had asked! My GOD!!! No. I would *never* forget Arthur again. Ever. I wiped my tears and drove purposefully towards our home. ---------- He was there on his desk, reading his old book again. He saw me and stood up. His face was passive. No emotion on it. But I knew. Inside, it had to be a storm. I smiled wistfully. He got up. I moved towards him. I ran the last part of the foot and embraced him tightly. He was very surprised at that. And I felt my tears coming. This time, he ran his hand through my hair. And kissed me on the forehead. I pressed my head into his chest again. I felt it again. Our hearts. They were one. Meant to be one. "Jenny..." he began. But I cut him off with a kiss full on his lips. "Arthur," I said, "Arthur... I love you." "And..." he said hesitantly. Waiting. "And... I love you too Jenny. And I want you to know... know that... that I" He said, haltingly. His voice was choking up and his eyes were misting. I looked up at him. My face was light. Tears were coursing down my streak. And I felt as if a big burden were being lifted from my shoulder. "Jenny..." he said, still holding me in his arms, as if I would be taken away if he did not, "I... have...I..." he started to say, but I cut him off with another kiss. This time, I am sure he felt my saliva and the salty tears. "Arthur. Just know one thing. I love you the most. I had not realized it all these years. But I say it this time with my body and soul. Arthur, I love you." He sighed and smiled wistfully. "Then Jenny, I guess you are going to go for the negotiations" he said. The sadness had returned to his eyes. And his smile did not touch his eyes. I looked at him as tears filled my eyes too. And our lives, our lives flashed before my eyes. "No Arthur. I am NOT going to the negotiations." I said simply. "I am not leaving my husband for anything in this world." ---------- For the first time in our entire life, I saw Arthur collapse. He collapsed. In my arms. Went down on his knees. He shuddered. And then let the tears burst from his eyes. Even as he sought to cover them up. Even as he sought to hide them from me, he could not. He heaved, and shook. And the tears did not seem to stop. And my GOD! His tears!! Looks like I had broken a DAM!! "Oh God! Oh God!..." was all he repeated as I held him, my husband in my arms and in my embrace, as I gently rocked him. "Arthur," I said again, "I love you. And I am not leaving your for anything in this world." We were holding each other for emotional support. On the floor. I repeated that again and again until I was sure I had penetrated his tears. He continued sobbing and heaving, for quite a long time. If I had known he had so much pent up sorrow, I would have reached this decision a lot sooner. Hurting him was unimaginable. He sobbed, then took some time to control himself. Then he wiped his tears and looked at me. "And...and the bank?" he asked, his sobbing abating. "Will take care of itself." I said. "But the people..." he asked. "I'll leave it to God to judge me on that." I interrupted. "Jenny..." he said softly, "Jenny, am I being an unreasonable fool for this?" he asked. "No Arthur. You are just being my husband." I said. He looked up, then rubbed his eyes. The light seemed to be coming from inside his eyes. He smiled tentatively. Then fully. Then he took my face in his arms and wiped my tears on his sleeve. "I never knew you loved me this much Jenny." He said. Almost embarrassed by the big decision I took in his favor. "I've always loved you Arthur. Always. It's just that for the past years, I had forgotten it myself." I said. He kissed me again on my lips. And this time, I could feel his tears still on his lips. "Arthur..." I asked. My full body inside the cocoon of his arms. His warmth reassuring me. "Yes?" he responded. "I've just made the biggest decision of my life." I said. "Do you think it was correct?" "What do you think Jenny?" he asked. "Not fair. I asked you first." I said. "Okay Jenny," he said, "I think you've just taken the best decision of your life. Ever." He concluded. "You think I've saved our marriage Arthur?" I asked. He smiled. "More than that Jenny, more than that." He said. "You've actually saved our love." "Thank you Arthur." I said. His reassurance meant more to me that anyone else's in this whole world. "And you?" he asked. "What do YOU feel about this Jenny?" I looked at him with love in my eyes. With a feeling that I had felt only for him. Arthur. My husband. My life. My Universe. "I think, Arthur," I stated, "that I've saved my soul." I smiled, even as he engulfed me in his embrace and I went into them willingly. EPILOGUE 15 years ago The negotiations were a failure. As expected. Life made me relearn the lesson again. Life, is not a movie. It's not even a book. And things are not always satisfying in the way they result. Or occur. No matter what your level of want. Or dedication. The shockwave that resulted had a universally destructive fallout. Most people went out of a job. Livelihoods were lost. The perimeter of this shockwave extended to families and generations -- old, and the yet to come. A few, moved elsewhere. Some, rare numbers, stayed back or were assimilated. A few of them also went homeless. There was no sign of Charlene and her two waifs. Sterling III suffered a relapse, but survived. A hollow shell of what he once was. He stopped contact with the outside world. He had aged. Bernie cried. With me. With Arthur. For the events in this world, beyond our control. For things that did not go our way, and for things that will not, no matter what we do or try. For the death of something good. I could do nothing, but stare in helplessness as the events unfolded. With tears in my eyes and Arthur by my side, I could only watch, as my world, my life, slowly ceased to exist. As the stable of my memories were erased. As the warm fire of my youthful memories slowly died out, leaving only the embers glowing. And a new guard appeared in place of where I existed. And I was non-existent in this world. The world I knew, existed and had lived in, had disappeared forever. This tree had no more leaves left on its bare branches. Christopher and his team took over FCB. FCB had just ceased to exist. ---------- 14 years ago Bernie passed away. In the morning, with the first rays of the Sun, when the dawn casts a soft light upon the world, in spring with flowers swaying softly in the wind, and when life renews, he went away. Far away from us. His business had no heir. He donated the entire proceeds to charity. Into a special fund created for old men and women. Julie was there. And this time, I held her as she heaved and racked with her sobs. I tried to hold her and comfort her as much as I could. And when they lowered the coffin in the grave, I joined Julie on the ground, weeping. Even as Arthur kept his hands on our shoulders. As we mourned the loss of someone who was like a father to us. ---------- 13 years ago We took a trip to Switzerland. AGAIN. With my family. My dada, my mother, Arthur and myself. Our family. The first one was... too fraught with memories. Bad ones. Strangely, we did not enjoy it very much. The air was heavy. And we tried. We TRIED to. Make love. Smile. Have fun. We could not. The tension hung heavy in the air, like a black shroud. It never left us. Even after all these years. And I could not help but cry one night, as we were huddled together, me and Arthur in our room. As the snow raged outside and the fireplace crackled softly, I cried. And again, Arthur did not say a word. He just held me as the storm passed. Till the early morning light finally shone through the window. We cut our trip short. The remaining four days... we did not even bother to get a compensation. It was not necessary. ---------- Good news awaited us when we returned. Arthur had won the businessman of the year award by the local publication. And there were a few heads of international companies who had nothing to do with piping, but were in the ancillary industries, and could use a solid business like ours to do their work, also present during that award. It was then that I realized just how much well-known and important man my husband was in his circles. I cried as Arthur walked on the stage and got his award -- that looked like a cross between a pipe and a garbage can. But I was not complaining. And when he spoke his speech and thanked me for being a wonderful wife -- I broke down. He had got everything right. Except for the wonderful wife bit. But he was happy. And that is all that mattered in the end. Business soared. And I accompanied him on many of his business and social commitments. Just as a wife would. And always, ALWAYS, whenever I returned with him after an exhausting commitment or a social do, I hoped that life would remain like this only. ---------- It was a big night. We also had the local media following us. We were two states away from home. As part of the group which Arthur was a member of, we occasionally provided safety education to prostitutes and street workers. We were in this street that was in a very bad area of town. While there was media and police accompanying us, I was still nervous. Arthur was talking to prostitutes. Street workers. Telling them about safety. Theirs and their clients. The street workers and prostitutes in that area were not the escort kind you hear. They were beaten down. Worn out. And their souls crushed by the weight of life. The kind that really lives day to day. The kind that does not know where their next meal would come from. I tried to keep a low profile. When I saw her. My God. OH MY GOD!!!!! I could not stop. COULD NOT STOP! The tears came running hard from my eyes. In the full glare of the local media, the police and even a surprised Arthur, I cried HARD. Arthur started to ask me when I just got down from our car, ignoring the requests from media and police alike to care for my safety. And I started running towards her. The tears blurred my vision. She saw me. And hiding her face began running. But I did not stop. "Charlene!" I called out. "CHARLENE!!" Again and again. I could see from whatever vision my tears permitted that she was running away from me too. In failure. I knew then. She did not want me to see her that way. Did not want my memories of her to be that way. But it was too much. Many things, life had taken MANY things from me... FCB, Bernie, not this. NOT THIS! I ran. And caught her hand. She struggled. Struggled to free herself. Struggled to hide her face. Struggled to cope with this. Struggled to run away. Struggled to keep my memories of her the way they were. Struggled. And I held her. In an embrace. And I could feel. Feel her crying. Shaking. And then the tears. As they wet my shoulders. I broke the embrace and looked at her from arm's length. She did not look at me. Then, when I did not stop looking, she slowly turned up. Our eyes met. And they just said one thing in silent plea to me: "Not like this. Please. Not LIKE THIS! Please Jennifer madam, don't see me like THIS!" I did not care. This was one thing from my past I had found. And I had no intentions of letting go. "Charlene..." I said. And embraced her again. And I was sure that THIS time, my tears were the ones wetting her shoulders. Everything for the Career Ch. 07 This time, she collapsed crying, on her knees. I went down too and embraced her. We were both that way when the media, the police and Arthur found us. And as we cried, Arthur came around and encircled us both in his arms. I do not know about mine. But I was determined to get Charlene's life back. And I could feel the relief in her arms finally. Her tears, it dawned to her, had finally come to an end. ---------- 11 years ago At least he's talking. Thank you God! I was sitting with Edwards. He looked aged. Old. Nothing to live for in life. The eyes... they had lost the light. Like that of an animal in a cage in the zoo. It knows he will never be free again. And he stops caring. So did Edwards. But he was talking with me. When the negotiations collapsed, when the bank went to someone else, Edwards had stopped talking to me. Now, after 4 years, he called me. And I could not speak properly on the phone. My tears and hiccups were getting in the way. But he had called me. And he wanted to speak to me. And I cried in relief even as Arthur held me in his arms as I cried. "Will you forgive me?" That was HIS first question to me. Something *I* should have been asking him. "Edwards..." I said, before the tears came again. And through the tears, I could see him smiling. And my tears intensified. GOD! "Why did you forgive me Edwards?" I asked. He may have. I could not. I had never forgiven myself. In choosing between two things -- Arthur or FCB, I had chosen Arthur. But that did not mean I had forgiven myself. "Because there was nothing to forgive in the first place Jenny," he said. "And I called you yesterday because it took this old man that long to realize that." "I..." I actually could not THINK of anything to say. "Then say nothing Jenny." He said. Apart from Arthur, he was the ONLY one who could read my thoughts, if there was ever such a thing. I took his hands in mine. They were so frail. And wrinkled. "Jenny... I am not going to live longer." He said. Out of the blue. "Take care of my boy now and then?" he asked, talking about his son. "Why don't you?" I asked him. "What?" he responded. "Me?" he looked at the horizon wistfully. "There is nothing left for me to give to my son Jenny. Nothing." He said. His eyes were teary. "NO!" I said. Hard. He looked at me in surprise. "Why don't you give your son, the opportunity YOU have had?" I asked. Softly. "Jenny... what are you talking?" he asked. Clearly perplexed. "Why don't you..." I composed myself, "Why don't you ask your son to start ANOTHER bank." The statement hung in the air. Edwards froze. The wind had died down and the sun was setting slowly which we could see was BEAUTIFUL, from Edwards home. "Jenny...?" he asked me quizzically. "Yes Edwards, YES. FCB was YOUR bank. Not your son's. Make him something that HE CAN OWN. Give him something that is not his father's, but HIS alone!" "Jenny..." Edwards was tearing up now. "It takes too long. It's not possible." "Yes. It takes too long. It took too long for you to become Chairman and President of your own bank." I stated, "but because there was no one to guide you." I also added. Edwards took a sharp intake of breath. "But YOU are there now to guide him. YOU can make sure he reaches that position WAY before you reached yours. You had your bank. Give him his Edwards. Give him HIS LIFE." I said. Edwards smiled. And for the first time in four years, I could see the light in his eyes. "And THAT," I said, with tears in my eyes matching his, "will be your LEGACY." That was too much for Edwards. He jerked and covered his face in his palms. And for the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE, I saw Edwards CRY! "Edwards...?" I asked, kneeling before his chair. He continued sobbing as I sat next to his chair, my hands on his knees. And when he finished sobbing he composed himself. And looked up at me. He had just become 10 years younger! "Jenny..." he said, love in his eyes, "my... child!" he said. As he embraced me. And I noticed happily as I cried into his chest. His embrace. It was strong again. Edwards was back. And I thanked God that day again. "And Edwards..." I said, as he held me at arm's length, "if you want any logistical work done for this -- filling forms, submitting them, couriering then..." He looked at me, not understanding. "Then..." I took a deep breath, "then you can always ask Charlene to help. She's with us." And with that, we both broke down again. I turned around, and saw Arthur standing near the window. He had not said a word. It was my conversation entirely. And my heart filled with pride and love just to see him trying to desperately hide his tears. ---------- And just to interject, THIS time around, Switzerland *was* sweet! ---------- 09 years ago We could never have any children. We tried. God knows we tried. Naturally, including treatments. But we could never have any children. What hurt, was not when the doctor told us one FINAL time that we would never have children. No. What hurt worst was the parting remark of the doctor -- "Maybe if you had tried to have children EARLIER, Jennifer..." And that hurt. After so many years, the life I had chosen, the career, when young, STILL hurt. And I cried myself to sleep that night. And Arthur, my sweet Arthur, did not say ANYTHING. Instead, he just held me in his arms as I cried. If it was bad for me, it would be killing for Arthur to hear that doctor say this. But there was nothing I could do. But Arthur, he held me, kissed me . "Its alright honey. We have each other still." That's what he said. And I hoped to God that in the next reincarnation, if there was such a thing, to give him a better wife. He deserved it. ---------- We thought about adopting, but could never get around to the fact that they were not from my womb and his seed. Nothing personal against adopting, but that was just the way *WE* felt. ---------- 08 years ago Apart from getting my Arthur back, this was the FIRST time, I faced this kind of happiness. The honor was mine. With my Arthur by my side. And the joy. I cut the ribbon. For the very first branch of AACB (All America Corporation Bank). Edwards was there. And so were a few loyals. Some faces I recognized and met after so many years. For the first time, I saw pride in Edward's eyes. The last time I saw this was when he ascended to Chairmanship of FCB. Life, I understood, does come full circle. There was no one, NO ONE, from the old guard, that DID NOT have their eyes wet. Including mine. And with Arthur's hand on my shoulders and his smile in the eyes and lips, I felt, life, WAS good, even as Edward's son inaugurated the very first branch of his bank. ---------- This time, I say, THIS time, SWITZERLAND was a BLAST!! ---------- 05 years ago We were watching that rare adult films that me and Arthur watch once in a blue moon. As usual, there was no story. Only hardcore action. And Arthur was DISTINCTLY uncomfortable. And I had no ideas why. This was not the FIRST time we were watching a porno or come on, I mean, this was not a epic or something. It was a porn movie for God's sake! But the storyline... something caught my mind. And Arthur realized that I had realized it. The story was crap. But it had a wronged husband taking revenge against his wife's extra socializing (kitty parties, charity events, etc) by banging prostitutes in the hotel. And the more the story progressed the more distressed Arthur became. Finally in something unbecoming of Arthur, he walked off half way from the movie. I closed the movie and did not follow him. I wanted to let him have his privacy. Later that night, as we slept, I was woken up by his side of the bed rocking. I got up worried and saw that he was crying. Literally CRYING in huge sobs. I immediately got up and held him. That did not stop his tears as they continued to fall. "Its OK honey, its absolutely OK." I continued, as I ran my fingers through his hair. While he still could not bring his tears under control. As all he did was rock in my arms and keep on saying -- "I'm sorry. I'm sorry Jenny. Oh God!" again and again. We did not sleep that night. This time, it was MY turn as I held him in my arms the full night. ---------- Switzerland, this time, just blew us away. We came close as never before. We... well, experimented. On positions. On.. on doing things that I only saw in the adult movies. And I must admit, apart from the initial embarrassment, there was nothing UNPLEASUREABLE about it. Though it WAS embarrassing for Arthur to ask for KY Jelly or Vaseline when we went to medical shops. Every time I looked at Arthur thence, he had a grin that looked like the cat that just drank the milk. ---------- 03 years ago Pride. Glory. Vindication. All of us felt that. Edwards was barely able to stand, but he did come. To visit the inauguration of the nationalization of AACB. As it was listed for the very first time on the New York Stock exchange. And as Charles, Edwards' son rang the bell, Edwards could not help but cry. There were a few others. Along with myself, Arthur, Charlene and Edwards. And there was not a wet cheek left amongst either of us. The first thing Edwards did was look at me when the bell sounded. And with eyes that shone of love, and gratitude, he simply mouthed the words "Thank you child." To me. I was too choked up on emotion to respond. I just nodded my head in recognition of his silent statement even as I felt the warmth of Arthur's arms enclosing me in their safe cocoon. I admit. Some things in life, are equal to heaven itself. And Edwards. Well, he was the happiest. It seemed that he *had* achieved something in life after all. I knew what he knew. HIS legacy would be remembered. ---------- And shock of ALL shocks, this time Edwards and Charles, along with Charlene ALSO accompanied us on our Switzerland trip. And no one, looking at our behavior and raucous shouting we did, would say that all of us were above 40 (barring, perhaps Charles). I don't think I had experienced the term "Overflowing with happiness and contentment" until now. ---------- 01 year ago On the peaceful month of April, in the mild afternoon sun, Edwards Sterling III passed away. He left his legacy on to Charles, who proved time and again, that he had what his father did. Perhaps more. I was shocked. And I did something that was totally unexpected. I did not go to his funeral ceremony. I was not sure I could control myself there and I did not want to embarrass anyone there. I only told 2 people about this. Arthur and Charles. And both understood. Arthur, with love in his eyes, Charles, with the benevolence that mirrored his father's And then, three days after his funeral, one afternoon, I walked with Arthur, taking his support, to Edward's grave. To the grave of the man who had been, on occasions, my father and more than a father. Then I placed a single rose upon his tombstone and cried my heart out. I was there, speaking to his grave, talking to him, asking him, alternatively crying and then talking again. I was there till evening. For around five hours. And in that time, that ENTIRE time, Arthur did not utter a word. Just a strong hand on my shoulder as I cried and mourned. I got up with Arthur's help and walked away from his grave. I hoped to God wherever he was, he was looking down upon us with love and benevolence. At the exit of the graveyard, I turned to Arthur, and with salty tears running down my cheeks, I kissed him. Then I looked at him with love, and brought my lips to his ears. "Thank you Arthur." I said to him, "for not giving up on me." He caught my chin in his fingers even as he kissed me. "Never. I could never give up on you Jenny." He said. "Even he did not." Then, we sat in the car and drove away to live the rest of our lives. ---------- NOW "... and I don't understand why she is not agreeing? I told you I would do it better than her. And she seems too much in awe of her husband anyways. What with asking his permission and all that." I was brought back to this world from my memories. That was Sarah, by the way. Cool. Confident and twenty years younger to me. I was heading the Committee for benefit of people who wanted to donate for a good cause, but did not know where to start. My only conditions for working on this Committee were that I should not travel more than 2 days every quarter and if something urgent came up that required me to, I would take permission from my husband before I did. Sarah, was my competitor, if you can call it that. Young, head-strong, married, and wanting to make a mark on the world. Taking the lead in this Committee, would put a strong impact on her career and resume. And she very much so wanted to climb up in this world, very much to wanted to see her ambitions fulfilled. "I think, that Sarah can do this better than me." I said quietly. That stopped all conversations around. "What are you..." started one of the members. "I said, Sarah can do this better than me. I think I am sure." I repeated again. The members looked at each other. One person for them was as good as another, and whatever you say about Sarah, you had to admit she was effective. And she would do this committee a lot of good. "So let's pass this motion." Said another member. After huddling for some time and voting, it was very clear. Sarah was nominated the new Lead Contact for this Committee. She looked at me with victory in her eyes. I responded by showing her my genuine smile. And she flustered. She was not expecting me to SMILE at her. ---------- As we went out of the door, she came running after me. "Jennifer!" she shouted. I stopped and waited for her to catch up. "Yes dear?" I asked. "I... I don't mean... I mean, you were good.. its just that..." she fumbled. I placed a hand on her shoulder. "No issues Sarah." I said. "Thanks Jennifer." She responded. With reasonable authenticity this time. I turned away to walk to my car, when I thought of something. I turned around. "Sarah..." I asked. Not quite sure how to ask this. "Yes Jennifer?" she asked. "Your husband... is he not bothered will all this focus you give on your career?" I asked. She looked at me incredulously! "Jennifer. I am my own woman. My husband does not tell me what to do all the time!" she said with authority. "What about your personal life, if I'm not intruding, that is?" I asked her. "Oh not to worry. I've had talks with Brian. He knows how important my career is to me. I am young Jennifer. The time to focus on family life will come later on. At the moment, all I want is to achieve the Vice Presidency of Sales in my current organization. And this Committee experience will help." She said, matter-of-factly. I smiled knowingly. "Does your husband not complain?' I asked. "Oh, he does Jennifer. But I have told him clearly that till I get the Vice Presidency of Sales, I am going to focus on the career, not him. I have high ambitions Jennifer. And I am going to give EVERYTHING FOR THE CAREER." She said. For a moment, just a moment, I froze. Then I recovered. And in a move that surprised her, kissed her lightly on the cheeks. She was rightly bewildered at this action. "Jennifer...what..." she started to say. But I only smiled. Then I placed a hand on her shoulder, and looked at her in the eyes. "Best of Luck." I said. And I walked to my car that would take me home. (EVERYTHING FOR THE CAREER SERIES -- CONCLUDED)