27 comments/ 86341 views/ 5 favorites Consequences - Meg By: thecelt She thought her beauty could get her anything. After all, it meant nothing to her but it meant so much to others. That was until she met him. Surprise! * You sit down on a stool at the end of the bar and look around. Your eyes rest on me as I take a drink from my glass. I smile inwardly, and enter into a silent conversation with you as if you're actually sitting here beside me. It's a conversation I've had many times and probably will again. I just wish you were someone else, someone I would rather be talking to. But you're here and he's not. In fact, he won't be here tonight or any night. As usual, that thought causes a flash of pain but it seems to be less each time I feel it. After all, it's been two years. But, as I said, you're here tonight, so my imaginary conversation goes something like this. Hi. You're probably asking yourself right now, "Who the hell is she? I know I've seen her around but I just can't place the name with the face." You would be right: you would recognize me if I was the face behind that glass screen, surrounded by that black plastic frame and the studio backdrop was behind me. Right! My name is Megan Reilly and I'm an anchor on Channel 9, a channel you get right here in your little city. The problem you're having is that we're sitting in a bar on seventh street in downtown Podunk City, USA, not my TV studio. You keep looking back at me as you sit at the bar, trying to convince yourself that it would be worth it to come over and try to hit on me. But then I see the hesitation in your eyes. Hell, I've seen it so many times before, and it was always the same reason. Just look at me! Have you ever seen anyone sitting in a bar alone that looked like me? Of course not! Beautiful women, especially ones that look like me with my long, wavy, platinum-blonde hair; high cheekbones under clear, translucent skin; eyes so blue most people thought they had to be contacts; a body that made men drool; those women never sit alone in a bar in Podunk City. And I am sitting here alone. Why, was a story in itself and I am going to tell you all about it. First you have to know who I really am. Not the public face and body that everyone sees. Not the voice of the network writers who tell me what to say. Not the story that holds your attention for the three days we allow it to dominate the airwaves. No, the real person behind all of that crap is the one who you have to understand to understand my story. Next, know that regardless of how much you love to look at me and how much you think you admire me, I loved to look at myself and I admired myself even more! Sound narcissistic? It is! Massively so! I am a narcissistic bitch! I have been since my early childhood when everyone told me how beautiful I was. I was a beautiful baby who grew into a beautiful child and later into a beautiful young woman. All through growing up, I remember people telling me how beautiful I was. I was almost ten when I suddenly realized that when men told me I was beautiful, it sounded different than when women would tell me the same thing. That's when I realized that my looks and my body were things that men valued far more than women. My men teachers in grade school were far easier on me and gave me better grades than the women teachers. The same carried over into high school. I did nothing at that time to earn those marks but I did understand that my looks were the key. I learned to smile mysteriously at the men teachers and the young men who surrounded me all through school, and as I graduated grade school, then high school and went on to college, I began to perfect those gifts that God gave me. You also have to understand how I grew up. My parents were strict evangelicals and I was forbidden to date or to go out with even a group of girls during high school. I went all the way through high school as a virgin, and not only that, I had never been seriously kissed by a boy. I was almost eighteen before I went out with a boy for the first time and that was prom night. I was allowed to go because my dad was in the hospital with a massive stroke and mom was with him so I was staying with my aunt who said I could go. As a date, it was a bust! He was nervous at being with me, the most beautiful girl in school, and I was nervous being with him, the team quarterback, the most popular boy in school. I was afraid that my ignorance would turn him off, and he was afraid that his imagined lack of experience with beautiful women would make me think less of him. Together, we were hopeless. The night ended before midnight and while many girls lost their virginity that night, I went to sleep, my virginity intact and my mind confused. Shortly after that, my dad died and my mom kept me home under a tight reign. That disastrous date was my first and only date with a boy until I graduated and went out on my own. I graduated high school, still chaste and still unsure of what I could accomplish. I was about to go out on my own with a full scholarship to college and while I was anxious to be on my own, I was also afraid of what I didn't know. That confusion lasted only until my first semester in college. I was staying on campus in a room with three other girls and when I was asked out by a boy in my freshman English class, I accepted. My roommates tried to prepare me for my first real date but it was a bust again. He was nervous as usual and I was afraid, as usual. It was like that until I went out with a senior boy who was very popular and who didn't seem to be awed by my beauty. He took me out for some dancing, then a few drinks later at the lake where we sat on a blanket looking at the moonlight reflecting off the lake. It should have been very romantic but all he wanted to do was paw me and get into my pants. Fortunately for him, I was of the same mind. That was the night I lost my cherry and it hurt like hell! I talked to my roommates about what happened and believe it or not, they were a great source of help to me. I learned from them a lot of what I needed to know, but that night opened my eyes to my charms over men and I began to be more selective in my choices. I now knew what it was like to have a boy between my legs and it was OK, I guess. It wasn't a turn-on for me but they sure liked it. I let a few more take me that first year but more and more, I began to keep my legs shut and my eyes wide open. Opportunities presented themselves to me as the year went on. I quickly learned that a smile and a wide-eyed response made some of the male teachers look twice at me and my grades seemed to respond accordingly. Just like high school! I began to use that mysterious smile I learned in high school and my grades continued to improve. I even used it with some of the more butch women teachers with the same results. I was learning! I used my ample charms in my sophomore year for the first time to seduce one of my professors. I was having trouble with my first math course and I needed the credit to go on in my chosen profession in Communications. I decided one night as I sat in my dorm room studying that I would try something overt. In other words, I would actually do something to make him give me a good grade. I was twenty and he was closer to sixty but I decided he would be no challenge for my charms. So, after making an appointment, I found myself one afternoon on my knees in his office with the door closed and locked. What he asked and what I gave was enough to give me an 'A' for his course. He made no trouble when I told him that was the price for my silence. The next two years were much the same. My dates were reserved for those who could do me some useful favor. That included professors, student advisors, student assistants. My grades were high and I had no trouble navigating my final years. I found during those years that using my looks and my body for personal gain had only good consequences. They were satisfied and I got what I wanted. So much for those dire warnings from my evangelical parents about the consequences of my actions! The only area where I actually applied myself honestly was in front of the camera. The camera loved me and I adored it. Together we were a team that even those who hated me and my looks agreed was one that had a great future. My life was preordained. I would be a media star! Fast forward a little. I graduated at twenty three with outstanding grades and a recommendation from all of my instructors whose opinion counted. I applied for and got a position with CNN as a junior reporter. I began to film on-site interviews and in only four years had a part-time gig on weekends. I parlayed that into a once a week show doing human interest stories and finally after paying my dues for seven years, got an anchor position in prime time. My face was known by almost anybody who had a TV set and I was making a nice living. During this time, my personal life was on hold. I dated a little, but as with college, my dates were with people who could help me in my career. Sex was not something I gave out much, and it certainly wasn't free. I was known as serious and cold and not available, but a very select few had sampled the charms that I had in ample quantity and the rewards to me were well worth it. After all, I needed to maintain my public integrity but for those who could move me up the ladder fast, I could be had. To be honest, sex held little appeal for me because I had never enjoyed it that much. Oh, I had very competent lovers at times and they were able to draw me out as much as possible but it was clear they enjoyed it more than I did. I had tried oral, anal, missionary and doggy-style, cowboy style and some sideways sex. I enjoyed it all but no more than delivering a good story in front of the camera. Actually, I loved the camera more than I liked sex. I learned early on to fake it most of the time and I had gotten very good at that. I had to fake it almost all the time. Things remained much the same for the next two years as I left the magic thirtieth birthday behind. In my profession, age was an enemy as I well knew, watching other anchors get the boot and shoved aside. Since I was already an anchor and had achieved most of what I wanted in front of the camera, I decided to get into the management branch, where age was less a factor and more of a boost for your career. All I had to do was get someone to sponsor me and push for me. That chance came during one of our team meetings. Team meetings were meetings with the writers, anchors, news director or managers, and some of the network bigwigs. All were present when the direction of the next several weeks was laid out and agreed to. This meeting was one where I wanted to make my pitch to begin training in the background area of directing. I knew some would see it as a threat and would push back but I had to try and get the ball rolling. I was prepared for this when the meeting was called. I would use my charms again to see what I could arrange. I dressed for the meeting accordingly with a short, tight black skirt that was three inches above the knee, a blouse with the top three buttons undone and an understated look with my makeup. I brushed my hair until it shined and I used a touch of eye shadow to bring out the blue in my eyes. I looked at the final effect in the mirror and told myself that someone was going to go down today. I would turn it on like never before and honestly, when I did that, it was really something to see. At least, that's what many men have told me. As I sat at the table with my coworkers, waiting for the rest of the attendees to show up, I was aware of the looks from the men, as well as the women. The men were all trying hard not to pant and the women were doing the same with their envy. I was oblivious to it all, having lived with it all my life. The reactions however, were what I wanted when the rest arrived. I was not prepared for who did show up. Howard Rawlings, the Station Manager; Jeff Rawlings, his son and assistant; Julie Harris the News Director, three others in the accounting and advertising departments, and finally, Kendrick Lawless. Mr. Lawless was the Sales Director and Vice President of the Network News Department. In effect, we all worked for him. But that was not what got to me. I took one look at him and suddenly understood what all those men had felt when they looked at me! I fell head over heels for him at first sight. The shock of that was like a bucket of cold water dumped over my head. I shook hands with him as he was introduced and I don't remember what I said. I know I said something because he smiled at me but I don't know what. I sat back down and watched him as he continued around the table and then the meeting started. I tried to avoid staring at him but I couldn't help it. Whatever he said or did, I was mesmerized. I was so confused and off center that I can't remember the rest of the meeting. I know I didn't bring up my request to begin training and I didn't even say a word during the information part. No one called on me and I didn't volunteer. I was still stunned. As the meeting broke up, I remained sitting, my mind slowly clearing of its funk. I finally stood and walked out of the room, heading toward my cubicle. I was still trying to understand what had happened to me. I began to smile to myself, now aware of what I had been doing to men and boys for my whole life. God, it was terrible! I felt a sudden sympathy for them that lasted until I rounded the corner of the barrier wall between my cubicle and those of my coworkers. We all had cubicles instead of offices. He was sitting at my desk, waiting for me. I stopped, my throat squeezed shut and my mind went blank again. Just as it had been in the meeting. "Good morning, Miss Reilly. I've been wanting to meet you for some time. I am very impressed with your work. Would you care to have a cup of coffee with me so that I could ask you some questions? It won't take very long." I swallowed and reached back inside myself for my confidence. I had so much, surely it couldn't have all disappeared. I tested my voice and found it relatively steady as I answered. "I would be happy to answer your questions. And please, call me Megan." "Wonderful! And you can call me Ken. My friends don't much like Kendrick or Mr. Lawless. Please, consider me a friend by all means." He rose and I followed him down the hall to our small cafeteria, ignoring the looks of the men and women around us. He motioned to one of the tables and I took a seat, letting him get the pot and some cups. He held up the cream and sugar with a raised eyebrow and I declined both. He seemed to like that and brought the filled cups over to the table. As I watched him, some of my confidence returned and by the time he sat down, I had myself under control. At least until he spoke. "Well, Megan. I guess you want to know why I asked you to have coffee with me. I hope you'll forgive me for my little lie. I don't want to ask you a bunch of questions. Actually, I only have one question to ask you. Would you have dinner with me tonight?" Without any hesitation, or without thinking it through for advantages or if it had an edge for me, I said, "I would be happy to have dinner with you." He said he would pick me up at my apartment at six thirty for dinner and I said I would be ready. I was actually going out on a date with a man who could probably do me a lot of good and I hadn't even considered that when I said yes. So on the one hand, this could be like all my dates; advantage to me. On the other hand, I had no interest in what he could do for me. None at all. Business was the furthest thing from my mind as I prepared for my date with Ken. Dressed in my sexiest dress, my makeup impeccably done and my accessories perfect, I waited for one of the sexiest men I had ever met to pick me up for dinner. I wanted nothing more than for him to find me attractive and if he wanted to pursue anything tonight more than dinner or dancing, I was willing and able. I had worn my black lace bra and a black thong just in case. I was on birth control so I never had to worry about that. As I waited I thought about Ken Lawless. What was there about him that turned me on so? I had never had a man do that for me. I turned them on, not the other way around! This was not like anything I had ever felt. I began to think about sex with him. What would it be like? Could he make love with me and bring me to a climax? I had never had a climax with a man. Sometimes with my trusty dildo, and sometimes with my fingers, but never with a man. I knew they always had a climax. I was caught unawares the first time it happened and that was the last time I allowed a man to come in my mouth. Never again! As I felt myself becoming moist between my legs, the doorbell rang. I grabbed my purse and my wrap and opened the door. Ken stood there, a single rose in his hand, looking like the most perfect man I had ever seen. I was unable to say a word as he put the rose in my hand and smiled at me. He cleared his throat, bringing me back to reality. I took the rose and started toward the kitchen. "Excuse me, I'll put this in a vase and I'll be ready. Would you like a drink first? I have some Scotch, I think. Somewhere, I know I have something. I don't drink much so I never think about it. But I can look for it if you life?" I knew I was babbling but I couldn't stop. He was so perfect, so much a man. I found a bud vase and put the single perfect rose in it and set it on the counter. As I turned back around, I found myself in his arms. I stood there, rigid, hoping he would make a move and kiss me. And he did. Oh, did he! I felt his lips on mine and the feeling was like nothing I had ever felt. I raised my arms and clasped them around his neck and pulled him closer. My lips opened to his questing tongue and I allowed him full access. My own tongue wanted to move into his opening and search out his taste. He welcomed me in and we enjoyed each other as our kiss deepened. I felt a heat begin in my stomach and it quickly moved up into my chest. My legs were growing weak with my passion as I felt him reach down and pick me up, one strong arm under my knees and the other around my shoulders. I held on to his neck with my arms as he carried me into my single bedroom. I wanted nothing more than for him to take me right then. I had known this man for no more than an hour and I wanted him more than anyone I had ever met. I had to have him right then. I knew it was crazy, insane! But I didn't care. I wanted this here and now! Ken laid me softly on the bed, his arms sliding away from my body. I was breathing hard, looking into his eyes. I watched his hands as they unbuttoned my blouse and lifted my body as he slid it down over my shoulders and down my arms. I lifted again as he slid my skirt off my hips and down my legs. I lay there in my lacy black bra and thong as he devoured me with his eyes. I knew I was beautiful and my body was enough to excite any man. I smiled as I watched the familiar look of lust grow in his eyes, but this time my smile was tempered with a tinge of fear. Fear of what I was going to feel with this man. I knew I was about to experience something unique, unique to me at least. And I wanted it! Ken undressed quickly as I watched each move with eyes that never left his body. I wanted to see him, naked and aroused by me. I wanted to see his muscles as they flexed when he moved. I wanted to feel his skin against mine and I wanted the heat I knew existed inside him. I was surprised to know that I wanted him inside me and I wanted that very much. I wanted to feel that rigid softness that defined a man in arousal. I wanted to feel it in my hand, taste it in my mouth and feel the fullness that it would cause inside my body. That was new and different for me. Consequences - Meg I held my breath as he moved his body over mine and settled between my legs. He held himself up on his elbows as he whispered into my ear. "I've dreamed about this every night as I watched you on my screen. It got so bad at times that I had to stop in the middle of a broadcast and take a cold shower. But now the reality is here beneath me and it takes my breath away. God, Megan, I think I'm in love with you and I just met you for real. You're better in reality than the dream or the picture." "Make love to me now, Ken. Make me do everything you've imagined. I'm yours to do with as you want. Just do it now! Please!" And he did. He slid his body down and when he was in position, we both pushed at the same time. He slid inside me and it was all I imagined it could ever be. He felt so right inside me and his body on mine was a delicious pressure that made my own feel as if it were going to burst into flame. As his rigid hardness stroked in and out of me, I felt the wave growing inside me. It threatened to consume me but I knew that before that happened, I would feel the climax I had never had with a man. I knew it was coming and I didn't know if I could survive it. I wrapped my arms and legs about his body and pulled him tight on every stroke. He was pounding into me faster and faster and I couldn't get enough. I lifted my hips each time he pulled back to make sure the closeness remained. I couldn't let him out of me now. I was humping up against his strokes and matching his pace. I felt it inside me. It was here! I felt the heat and the power and the joy all at once as my body flashed in sheer ecstasy. I came with a scream of insanity and I left my body behind as I floated in a dreamland that I had never experienced before. Ken came at the same time and I could feel his sweet fluids inside me, coating my overheated tissues and calming my body. It was so intense and so beautiful and I had no idea it could ever be this way. I was over thirty and had sex with dozens of men but I had never felt this way in my life. I had no defense against this kind of joy! As I came down from the high I had achieved with my climax, I started to weep. I cried softly with the tears of joy only a woman can shed "What's the matter, Megan? Are you OK? Is something wrong? Did I do something you didn't want? I opened my eyes and stared into his concerned brown eyes just inches away. I could see the worry, the fear of a man who felt he had done something wrong even though he thought he was doing what the woman wanted. Why are we so complicated sometimes? "No, no, Ken, no! You did everything just perfectly. You were just right and I loved it very much. No, these tears are of joy, not sadness or regret." His smile was all I needed now to tell me he also had enjoyed me and my body. That was important to me now. While I had never had doubts before, or even cared if I pleasured the other man, I did now. I desperately wanted to please this man with everything I did. And I would do anything for him. Anything he wanted. I was his, body and soul! We rested for only a few minutes and then we did it again. We did everything I had ever thought about that night and into the following morning. I learned that oral with the man I loved was wonderful. I learned that he could reach depths I had never experienced when he entered me from behind. I loved his hands on my breasts as I rode him from the top and I felt the comfort as I lay on my side with my love pushing into me. We did it all that night and the following morning and I told Ken that I never wanted it to end. He promised it never would. That night was the first night of the beginning of what I thought of as my true entrance into the world of women. Before I was a woman among others, none of whom were of any importance. Now, I was a woman and I related to all those others who lived to serve their man. And we did just that. If we were happy with them, we served them willingly, without complaint and with joy. Ken and I continued to be together and after dating exclusively for six months, he asked me to marry him and I agreed happily and joyfully. We planned a small wedding and spent two weeks together in Maui hardly ever leaving the hotel. We were happy and we planned our lives accordingly. My career resumed and with Ken's help, my entrance into directing came true. He could get me in the door but had little influence inside that world. I knew I could do the job and he had faith as well. Over the next two years, we continued to love each other as often as we could and we even slipped away during the day when he was in the building. I was still in love and I had never felt more content. Ken was doing well in his career and we were happy at home with all we had. We wanted nothing more than to continue as we were for a few more years before we decided on children. We both wanted them but we felt it was too soon. We worked and built for our future. We had been married for three years and five months when Ken asked me if we should consider starting our family. I was thirty six now and he was almost forty and the time seemed to be slipping by. I told him I wanted to direct my first full media event and then I would retire happy. Then we would start our family. He asked if that would happen soon and I promised him that it would be within the next few months. I had the script, the promise of financing and the studio had agreed. It was almost a reality. I was in a planning meeting two weeks later when things started to go wrong. The script was done but it needed some editing and rewrites in places. The writer had agreed to get the work done by the deadline but he was too far behind to suit me. I dismissed the meeting and called him into my office to discuss the schedule. He agreed to meet me that afternoon. I had worked with him many times in the past and had no problems but that was a long time ago. I didn't know what he was doing now. Drake came in that afternoon. He sat down across from me and began to talk about the problems with the dialogue and the scene changes. He was giving me a lot of technicalities and nothing of any real substance. I knew stalling when I saw it. He was stalling and I knew it. So did he. I had to get to the bottom of things right now. "OK. Drake. What the hell is going on? You know how to fix this so why the stall tactics?" He pushed the script into his briefcase and hesitated before looking back up at me. I saw something in his face I didn't like. I waited, almost sure of what I was to hear. "You and I have worked together before, Meg. You remember the Timberlake project? We really pulled that one off and you got a good raise and a promotion from that one if I remember." I did remember. It was a real coup for me and it did result in what he said. What he didn't say was the price I paid for his cooperation. He wanted sex with me to make the schedule and I agreed. After all, it was for me and my goals and he meant nothing to me. So, a quick fuck in my office after hours and he was back on schedule the following day. That's what I did and it meant nothing to me. But now? How could I justify that now? I considered what he was asking and I told him to call me in two hours. I would talk to him then. He smiled, said that he was sure we could work this out, grabbed his things and hurried out of the office. I watched him go with disgust but also with the understanding of what it would take to get him on schedule and the script finished on time. I made a few calls to other writers but got nothing but vague promises and brush-offs. I was out of options with the time running out. I worried the idea for the next two hours and came to a decision. I wanted to do this project, make my successful debut into directing and then retire on top. I was a household face and my name was known by half the world. I was a success in broadcast TV. Now, I wanted to go out with my name on a successful documentary. And it was for Ken and me that I wanted to finish this. We wanted a family and I had promised that after this project, it would be time. Ken was excited and anxious to begin as was I. All I had to do was finish this project. Two months and it would be done. If Drake was on time. And I knew how to make Drake on time. How bad did I want this? Was it worth what Drake was demanding? Could I just let it go and retire anyway? I weighed the pros and the cons of what I had to decide and made a decision. I fell back on my past, and the knowledge that what I did was for my own goals and meant nothing more than that. It was for my marriage after all and that wasn't cheating! When the phone rang, I picked it up. It was Drake. I simply said, "Call me back and tell me where to be three hours from now." I hit the disconnect and then dialed Ken. He was supposed to work late that night so I wanted to tell him I would stay for an extra hour and then go home. He wasn't in so I left the message on his voicemail. All I had to do now was get Drake off my back and the project on schedule. Two more months and it would be over. Ken and I could start our family. I was getting excited now. Just do Drake and get it over with. Just once and no more. It was just business, just like it always was before. Just like before! I told myself that over and over until I began to believe it. It would just be business and nothing more! I finished my work and went into the restroom to prepare for Drake. I inserted a diaphragm just to be extra careful. As I inserted the device, I thought back to my times with Drake. He really wasn't all that bad. He was more forceful than most and he almost got me off a few times. And he was certainly male, a body that was very nicely proportioned. Maybe this wouldn't be all bad. I got a condom from the vending machine in the executive washroom for his visit. He would wear it or it wouldn't happen. With those preparations, I felt ready for this. All I had to do was get through it. As I walked back to my office, I remembered how it used to be with these men who wanted to get their rocks off in a body that millions of men desired. That's all it was, just a male superiority thing. I was beautiful and known and they were nobodies. But this way, they felt superior to all those others who dreamed but were denied. They would proudly tell themselves that they had that beautiful woman on screen. Oh yes, I understood it. I first understood it at age ten and never forgot it. Ken had changed my life however and made me a woman instead of an icon. I loved him for that. I walked into my office and sat back to wait for Drake's call. I had no more than set down when the phone rang. I answered and it was Drake. "OK, Drake, where and when?" We had done this before. There was to be no love, no foreplay, no hesitation. Just get it over with. "Meet me at the Dunes Motel on fifth street as soon as you can. Room 114." "Fine. I'm on my way!" I hung up and was surprised at the warm rush that came over me. I knew that feeling but I hadn't felt it for some time. I was excited! This was not new but this was the first time since I had been married. Was it the forbidden part that was exciting? I had no idea but it was definitely exciting. I locked my office and got my car and drove over to fifth street. It was not a very nice neighborhood and I was nervous. My Beemer was going to be out of place here. At least I thought that until I pulled into the lot. Most of the cars there were nicer than mine. I guess having a day rate was what pulled in the cheaters like me. I parked toward the rear of the lot, donned my big dark glasses, put on my hat and walked back to room 114 and knocked. Drake answered almost immediately and pulled me inside. It was a dark and dingy room with a double bed and a spread the color of baby-crap. The walls were cheap synthetic wood paneling and the carpet was a mud-brown color. There was one light on near the bed and the spread was pulled back, inviting the weary traveler. What a joke! Weary traveler my ass. It was for people like me to spend an hour or so fucking someone they shouldn't be. I should know since I spent a lot of time in my early career in rooms like this. I went past Drake and into the bathroom where I washed my hands and rinsed out my mouth. I felt dirty already and my mouth was dry from my nervousness. I knew this was wrong but it was necessary. As it had been necessary so many times in my career. Some had money; many had power; I had a body and a face that men desired. It was a price I paid to get where I was. I had thought it was over when I married Ken but I had to do it this one more time. I walked back out into the room and sat down on the bed. I pulled my panties down and off my legs. I stood back up, dropped my skirt onto the floor and took off my blouse and bra. I watched him put the condom on what I knew was a typical cock. I had discovered that all men were essentially the same size when hard. All the rumors to the contrary, if they weren't porn star freaks with artificially enhanced cocks, they were all the same. Some were a little longer, others were a little thicker but they all fit inside me, and regular store-bought condoms of any kind fit them all. Black, white, Hispanic, made no difference to me. During my rise and then later in my career, I had tried all of them without finding any that were exceptional. Except my Ken. He was mine and mine alone and that made him the exception. Once Drake was ready, l leaned back on my elbows and watched him as he climbed onto the bed beside me. I admired his buff body but reminded myself that this was business and not pleasure. Unfortunately Ken had taught me what pleasure could be when having sex and my thoughts were not as pure as they should be. I felt a warmth between my legs that surprised me. I knew it was anticipation and I expected to feel what I felt when Ken was with me. But he wasn't here now, Drake was. I decided to try to keep this strictly on the job. "OK, do what you have to do. Just don't expect me to enjoy it or help you any." "Oh come on, Meg! You always enjoyed it before. I know you did because you had a climax or two. Not that bad really, was it? Didn't I try to make it fun for you as well?" I had to admit he did. And I had convinced him that I had a climax. So what if he believed me? "Yeah, I guess, but I'm a married woman now and this is cheating. I don't want to be here but you gave me no choice if I want to pull this documentary off. So, just get to it and get it over with. I'll do my part." I worked on Drake for a few minutes with my hands and then with my mouth. I had to do this just to get him ready to do me fast. What disturbed me was that I was aroused by what I was doing so by the time he was ready, I was moist enough for him to slide inside me with little resistance. I was surprised; even with the lube I used earlier, he shouldn't have gotten in so easily. I must be wetter than I thought I would be. I had to admit, Drake felt very nice inside me and I began to enjoy it as he slammed into me without any letup. I closed my eyes and let him do what he wanted. I kept my legs down and my arms at my sides to let him know this was all on him. At first, I was able to remember that but as he continued to pound inside me, the feeling began to grow and without my volition, my legs were around his back and my arms were pulling his upper body tighter against me. I was definitely feeling it now and I felt the growth of an impending orgasm. I was making a continuous sound of pleasure now as Drake continued to pound into me. As he began to move faster and faster, I held him tighter as my climax arrived. I groaned in pleasure as he stiffened and poured himself into the condom. I could feel his cock pulse and I felt the semen as it filled the reservoir end of the latex. It was almost as good as the real thing. We remained that way for a few minutes as we both came down from our high. We were panting, our chests were heaving and sweat coated our bodies. As we relaxed, I realized that this had been more than I expected or even wanted. This kind of pleasure was supposed to be reserved for my husband and only for him. But Ken had awakened my pleasure centers, so that now when I was doing something I considered only business, something unexpected happened and that was something new for me. I had to think about this some more. Drake stroked my face as he leaned over me. "Why don't you try to get me up for a second go-round? I know you got off that time just like me. Use that beautiful mouth and your hands to get me up again and I'll let you ride me this time." I actually considered it before my conscience kicked in. I couldn't do this! I was married and I had made a promise! I broke one promise but only so I could keep another, one I considered more important. Our family! "Sorry, Drake. That's it! You promised and I delivered. So, keep your word and do the work. Have the finished script on my desk by tomorrow, close of business. OK?" Drake looked at me for a second before nodding his head. "You got it. You delivered and I made a deal. I'll have it for you by end of day." I got up, went into the bathroom and washed my face and hands again. I wiped my naked body with a damp washcloth and dried myself on one of the scratchy towels supplied by management. I put on my bra and my blouse, pulled on my skirt and tucked my blouse in and then paid attention to my signature face. I brushed my hair and reapplied my lipstick. I looked at the face in the mirror and shuddered. I didn't like what I had just done but I considered it necessary. I wished at that point that I hadn't enjoyed it as much as I did. I closed my eyes as a wave of pain washed over me and waited until the spasm passed before walking back out to find Drake dressed and waiting. He nodded toward the door. "Why don't you go out first, and I'll wait for a few minutes before I leave." "Fine. See that the script is finished on time. Goodbye, Drake. And thanks for at least making it pleasant." "Anytime angel-face. Anytime at all. Just let me know and I'll make the arrangements." As I drove home, I began to feel the guilt start in my gut and work its way upward into my chest until it was almost choking me. I pulled over and began to cry. I stayed there on the side of the road for a long time, trying to stop the tears that were flooding my eyes. I knew what I did and I told myself that it was for the right reasons, but I knew that I could have found another way if I wanted to. Then it came to me in a flash of insight that added to my feelings of guilt. I did what I did for the thrill of doing it! I couldn't lie to myself any longer. I knew Drake and I knew what he could do and that I would enjoy it. I lied to myself all day and when he called, I was more than ready. And to be honest, I loved it! I wiped my face and finally started the car and drove for home. I was confused and sick with worry. I couldn't let Ken know what I did and I was going to be sick with worry that he could find out. I didn't know what he would do if he did but I would die if he left me. That was the way I was thinking as I walked into our home. Ken wasn't there yet but he would be home soon so I had some time to get my act together and make sure he wouldn't suspect anything. I went upstairs to change and while I was at it, I took another swipe at cleaning myself off just in case. No shower for me. That would just raise a red flag that said, "Look at me. I took a shower in the middle of the day for no reason!" I fixed a quick dinner and had it ready when Ken come in. He gave me his usual kiss and hug before rushing upstairs to shed his suit and tie. We had a nice dinner, with easy conversation and no tension. I kept it together very well and then it was time for bed. I waited until Ken joined me and then I initiated a bout of lovemaking that blew his head off! When he asked where that came from, I just laughed in glee and told him I had read a racy script that very day that had turned me on. I knew how close to the truth that was but he bought it and I relaxed. So, I got away with it and the script would be done and on time just as promised. Consequences - Meg I went back to work the following day and reviewed my project schedule. It would take at least the two months I planned and perhaps a lot more. But, it was time to begin and see what developed. We began work on the documentary immediately and I was soon deeply involved in all aspects of it. I kept up with my evening anchor job but during the day and into several evenings a week, I worked on my project. My next week or two would be rather hectic but I let Ken know that I would be sure to free up my weekends for us. He accepted it as I knew he would. He had always been my number one supporter. As I worked, I came in contact with Drake several times. He was very helpful and he was never far from my side as we worked since there were always minor changes in the dialog as things progressed. It was two weeks after we began that he asked me if I would consider another meeting after hours at the Dunes. I said no, of course, but the thought wouldn't go away. During a break from shooting, I tried to figure out why I was so uneasy about what he was asking. Ken and I had been having a lot of sex lately, mainly due to my guilt feelings but also because we had discussed starting our family and he always joked about getting enough practice. We made love two or three times a week now so there was no problem with my libido. But I had to admit to myself, that was part of the problem. We made love. When Drake took me in the room at the Dunes motel, that's exactly what he did: he took me! He didn't make love to me or try to please me. He just fucked me, hard. And he didn't worry about my climax although I did have one anyway. I began to understand that this was the difference that I had noticed. This was more like what I had been doing before I met Ken. From the day I met him, I had been faithful to him except for the one time with Drake. Ken and I made love and I loved that with Ken, but I also understood that just fucking for the fun of it with someone like Drake who cared not a bit about me or my satisfaction was somehow exciting to me as well. Then there was the other thing; I had learned how good some hard-driving sex could be from Ken. He taught me that making love was wonderful but that having sex for the fun of it could be wonderful as well. We didn't do that often enough. But I also knew Ken could never just take me and ignore my pleasure. That was not who he was and the idea of pleasing himself and not me was foreign to him. I had to admit to myself that I missed that. That was why that evening with Drake was so good. I enjoyed it! I really enjoyed what he did and I was disappointed that we didn't do more. But that night I had to get home to Ken. My husband! I was now more confused than before and I had no idea what to do. Drake's invitation was still on my mind and I was conflicted, but I had no intention of cheating on Ken any more. That was the way I was thinking when Ken told me he had to fly out to the West coast for two days. Since I was so involved in my project, he hadn't even thought to ask me to go with him. Of course, I wouldn't have been able to go anyway, but I was a little upset by his not asking. Go figure! I didn't say anything to him but I let it stew in my mind until he was ready to leave. I understood later that I was trying desperately to find some justification to do what I wanted to do. By the time he pulled out to head to the airport, I had given him no reason to suspect that I was unhappy with him but in truth, I had made up my mind. That day when I saw Drake, I beckoned him over and told him I was ready to meet him that very evening. He smiled and said he would give me the room number later. I spent the remainder of the day doing the necessary things for the project, but my mind was already in that room with Drake. I was becoming more and more anxious for this day to end. I expected a call from Ken at eight that evening so I had plenty of time. I told him to call my cell since I might just stay at work since he wasn't going to be home. I met Drake that evening at the Dunes Motel in room136 and we did it all. I told Drake to take me and not let me look back. I wanted to have hot, heavy sex and I didn't want him to be easy about it. Drake understood what I was saying and he did exactly what I asked. He actually picked me up the first time, holding me by my legs and slammed me back against the wall as he took me! I screamed my pleasure as I felt the rough wall abrading my back and my ass. That was only the first of many new experiences that night. By the time we had to stop to catch our breaths, I had already climaxed twice and was ready to have a third when Drake pleaded exhaustion. The only uncomfortable point came about two hours into our session when my cell rang. It was Ken, letting me know he had landed and was going directly into a meeting and would call later than planned. We talked for only a few minutes before we disconnected, but that call put a pall over the whole thing and I told Drake I was done for the day. He just laughed at me and pulled me down to the floor and stuck his cock in my mouth, holding my hair to keep me in place. I forgot about Ken at that instant and did exactly what Drake wanted me to do. We stayed together for the next two hours and Drake wore me out! I loved everything about that night. I promised to meet him again the next night at the same time. He said he would keep the room just in case I got itchy tonight. That started my affair with Drake. I met him on those evenings I told Ken I was staying at work and we had violent sex in every way possible. I loved every minute of it and I began to think about him even with I was making love with Ken. I knew I was addicted to the rough sex but I couldn't stop it. I kept it alive for the next five weeks until all hell came down on my head. I had just left the motel room after two hours of intense fucking with Drake and was headed home. I was still flushed with pleasure but that would be gone by the time I got home. Since Drake continued to use condoms when he was inside me, there was never any evidence to get rid of. As usual after being with Drake, I was eager to make love with Ken that night. I needed him to love away the reminder of my submissive nature with Drake. With Ken I could be a partner and we would make love together. That made what I did with Drake less important. That was so important to me and it was what made the affair possible. Ironic? Of course, but then nothing about an affair was very logical. I walked into the kitchen that night and found Ken sitting alone with a glass of whiskey in his hands, rubbing the glass against his forehead. He looked so strange sitting there. The whiskey was also different. Ken hardly ever drank alcohol and never at home by himself. Something was wrong and the first thing that entered my head was my affair with Drake. Could Ken have found out about that? No! Impossible! I left no clues, made no mistakes and left no paper trail of any kind. No, it had to be something else. "Ken, honey, what's wrong? You look upset and you're drinking. What's wrong?" He didn't even look up at me, just continued to stare into the amber-colored fluid in his glass. When he started to speak, it was so low I had to move closer just to hear him. "I was just remembering the plans you and I made not more than a month ago about having a family. We talked about having children and what we would do when we did. We talked about saving for their education and taking them on trips to show them as much of the world as we could. They were beautiful dreams, weren't they?" "Of course they are, and they'll all come true. We'll do all those things for them and we'll do them together. Why would you talk about them now? Come on, Ken, something's very wrong. Please, tell me! Let me help you if I can!" Now Ken put the glass down and looked up at me. Then I saw the anger in his eyes and the tightness of his lips, pressed together. Suddenly I felt a rush of fear as I understood in that instant from the look in his eyes that he knew! He Knew! Oh, God in heaven, how could he know? "Ken? Please, Ken, you're scaring me. What's wrong?" I knew, but foolishly I prayed that he wouldn't say the words that would confirm it. Oh, please, God, please don't let him say the words! "Why, Megan? Why would you do something like this to us and our dreams? Why would you throw it all away? What did you need that I couldn't provide for you? Tell me, Megan, why you did it?" Before I could answer, he stood up quickly, grabbed my shoulders in his hands and almost shook me as he screamed it out loud directly into my face. "I guess it doesn't really matter why does it? You did it and that's what's important! You and Drake, screwing each other in that motel room for the last five weeks! You fucked away all we had, Megan. You just fucked it all away and I don't know why!" He let me go and I watched him sink to the floor onto his knees, holding his head as he cried. My heart broke watching him. It broke because I knew he was crying because of me. I did this! I did this to the only man I had ever loved or probably ever would love. I couldn't imagine a life without him and now I had broken his heart. I dropped to the floor in front of him and put my arms around him and held him as tightly as I could. I did it to comfort him, out of instinct. My Ken was hurting and all I could think of was to comfort him. But inside, I knew that I did it because it was possible that I would never be able to hold the man I loved in this way again. Now, he was in pain and I could do this until he recovered. But as soon as he did, I knew he would push me away in anger and disgust. After several minutes, I felt his shoulders tense and then, as I knew he would, he pushed me back and stood. He walked over to the table and sat down again. He picked up the glass and drained the fluid in one swallow. His eyes watered but because of the alcohol, not because of me. That made it possible for me to rise and take a seat across from him. "Can I try to explain, Ken? Would you at least let me tell you why?" I felt he should hear that I didn't stop loving him and that I never felt anything for Drake at all. I wanted to tell him that. "I don't really care why you did it, Meg. The fact was that the first time you did it, our marriage was over. I knew who you were when I asked you to marry me. And I knew that men desired you but I always told myself that you chose me and that was enough for me. But it wasn't. I needed to know that you would always choose me, not just sometimes. But you didn't and it doesn't matter to me why. I don't care any more. I've had time to come to grips with your cheating and I've been able to convince myself that I can get by without you. "All it took was a few pictures of what the two of you did and that was enough to tear my heart right out of my chest. I felt his hands grip my heart as he gripped you and then he tore it out with his treatment of you. My love died when I saw that you enjoyed what he did and how he treated you. It disappeared when I realized it wasn't the first time." I tried to say something, anything, to make him see that what he imagined wasn't what happened! I tried to tell him that Drake was nothing more than a sex toy that I used to give me something that I didn't want from my husband and the man I loved. I screamed at him, I reached for him, I got down on my knees and begged him, but he turned away from me. He ignored my pleas, my cries, my prayers. He refused to acknowledge me and I finally just stopped. I sank down onto a chair and put my head down on my crossed arms and wept. I didn't hear him leave. When I finally lifted my head and looked around, all I saw was an envelope laying on the table in front of me. On top of the envelope was his wedding ring. The diamond-cut gold surface winked back at me as I took it in my fingers and held it up to the light. Such a beautiful thing to signal the end of something else that had been so beautiful. I knew what was inside the envelope and it was hours later before I opened it. I read it carelessly and signed it in the places he had highlighted. I found later it was a very fair settlement. I never doubted it. I finished my documentary. It was no problem since the divorce took very little of my time. Of course Ken handled everything. He never spoke to me again except in the presence of our attorneys. My documentary was shown and it was very successful and the news was that I was an up and coming director. Maybe I could have been but I didn't follow up on that first success. Once the divorce was final, I quit the station and moved away to the Midwest somewhere. It really doesn't matter where. I found a job with a small local station and I did the news, the weather and some journalistic reporting. Because of my competence, I was soon made managing director and I took care of everything. I was very well known around the area and several articles wondered at someone as beautiful as me in a small market like this. I smiled as I read them, knowing that they were right to wonder. But I had no desire to change my location. I liked it where I was. Every evening as I prepared to leave, I turned the duty over to the night manager and told her not to call me for any reason other than a nuclear attack on the US. Anything else was a no-call. She understood and so far, had never called me. That's why I kept her around. Actually, most of what we ran after midnight was movies and documentaries. We even ran mine once that I knew of. When I left work, my routine was pretty much the same. I would go home to a lonely apartment and spend the evening eating a tasteless microwave meal while watching mindless TV until I fell asleep. But once or twice a month, I would go out. On those nights, I left work and drove my car fifty miles to the north or south, or to the east or west and to one of the clubs that I often frequented. I parked and walked inside and took a seat at the bar. I ordered a burger and a Virgin Mary and waited. It wasn't long before he took a seat next to me and ordered a beer. He was one of those nameless men who frequented bars like this and looked for women like me. I see it in his eyes as I take a drink from my glass. I smile inwardly, and enter into a conversation with him since he's sitting here beside me. It's a conversation I've had many times and probably will again. I just wish he was someone else, someone I would rather be talking to. But he's here and that one isn't. In fact, he won't be here tonight or any night. But this one is so my conversation goes something like this. "OK, I know what you're going to say so don't bother. Sure, I know what I look like and you're wondering. Just don't! My name's Meg, and I'm here for some fun and that's all you need to know. And if you think you can find someone better, be my guest. Until then, you're pretty cute and I might just like to spend some time with you. If you play your cards right, you might get lucky! Care to try?" He did, of course and we're on our way to a motel. Just another nameless guy and another cheap room. For another night, I won't be alone and I'll be his submissive slut until we're both exhausted. He'll be able to tell his buddies that he scored with that gorgeous lady on Channel 9, and then try to convince them he's not lying. In the meantime, I can go home to an empty bed and an even more empty life. A life with as much sex as I want but without the love that I gave away. I thought my beauty could buy me anything. Surprise! I still think back to when I thought that only good things happened to me because of my beauty. I learned early that there were no bad consequences to getting my way because of the gifts that God gave me. How stupid I was to believe that! Consequences are not always good. Consequences can be a bitch! Consequences: Mistake of a Lifetime I watched another girl leave my front door. It was another sad affair, but it was inevitable. I have had this happen many times now. Most of them when they hear the news just get up and tell me they can't deal with this and leave. You see I have something I wish I didn't have. HIV. I can thank my ex-wife for that. She saw fit to run bareback throughout her affairs with me none the wiser. Her final gift to me was the gift that just keeps giving. We were married for five years, things I thought were going well, but they were going much better for her. I came home from work one evening to find her sitting in the kitchen with a pale face and what looked like dried tears. She looked up at me and gave me the look. 'We have to talk.' I sat down. I was afraid of what she had done or what had I done. Had I done something wrong? I wracked my brain for issues that she might have been upset over. There were the lottery tickets I continued to buy even though she wanted me to put the extra money into savings. But I didn't think that would warrant the look on her face. She sighed and tried to pull herself together. "Tom, I just came back from the doctor. I'm sick." I was scared. I knew she hadn't been eating well lately and always seemed to be fighting a cold. I had urged her to see a doctor for sometime now, but she always blamed it on overworking. "What is it? It's serious, isn't it?" She nodded. "We can fight this together. I'm here for you," I grabbed her hands and held them. She took a deep breath. "Tom, I don't know how to tell you this, but I have to. I have contracted HIV." "Aids?" I said. My hands gripped her hands tighter. She nodded. Stupid dense me, I started trying to figure out when she last had a shot at the doctor's office. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that it was some sort of medical accident. We would sue the pants off them. "Tom," she stopped me. "You need to get tested as well." "What?" I blurted out. All of a sudden I realized that there was a very good chance that I had contracted it from her. My life was in real danger. Oh shit. She started crying. I came around the table and held her. Consoled her and told her I loved her. This made her cry more. She held me firmly, like her life depended on it. "Oh Tom, I'm so scared!" "Shhhhhhhhh, we'll fight this." "There's more I need to tell you Tom," she sobbed. That's when I knew. It wasn't a medical accident. I slept in the guest room that night. I was so angry with her. How could she? The next morning I went into the doctor's office and felt like everyone was laughing at me as I went through the process of having the lab draw blood and check me for all types of Sexually Transmitted Diseases, including HIV. It would take a week to get the results back. I spoke with our doctor and he filled me in on what Jessy, my wife, would be going through and what I would have to be careful of, regardless of if I had HIV or not. No unprotected sex, of course. No blood transfer, so treating any cuts or wounds would have to be dealt with rubber gloves. Jessy was going on the cocktail soon and because of that her eating habits would change drastically. The unprotected sex was not much of an issue since I wasn't sure if I would ever look at Jessy in a sexual manner again. The test results would certainly throw me into action. I wasn't sure what our future held, right now I was numb and angry. But what I really fixated on was my health. I prayed every moment to not have contracted anything from her. I was in pain, and I lashed out at her often over that week of limbo. It seemed that Jessy had the onerous task of contacting all her "partners" to let them know what she contracted. I told her to do that when I wasn't home as I didn't want to hear her tell her fuck buddies what a dirty diseased slut she was. The results were posted in the mail and when I received them I discovered that Jessy had indeed given my HIV. My darling wife, not only had the gall to go and fuck behind my back but she then brought this back to our house. Divorce proceedings started immediately. She tried to talk me out of it, but I would not change my mind. I had loved her and she had shit on me when she had shit on herself. Nice, huh? She moved back home to her parents house and they wound up taking care of her. They had looked forward to traveling around the country with their new motorhome when the news hit. Now their retirement plans had been changed. Instead of Devil's tower and the Grand Tetons, Yellowstone and Yosemite, they had doctor's visits and nursing to look forward to. I lived alone for a while as I wallowed in my self pity. My health was good and for all intents and purposes I was in good shape. I guess I was in remission. I continued the cocktail which was a hideous combination of vitamins and drugs and it was pretty brutal on my stomach and insides. I tried to stay in as good shape as possible. It was because of the shape I stayed in that I started to get noticed by other women. They flirted with me and hey, I'm human so I flirted back. Soon I was asking and accepting dates as I found out there was life after Jessy. I would not put myself into a situation where I was intimate, but I was lonely and enjoyed the company of women. Joan was the first woman to break down my defenses and get me back into her apartment, where we made out something fierce. She started to rub my hard cock and then to unzip it when I started to draw back. "What's the matter darlin'? Is he shy?" She giggled. I didn't find it funny. She had knelt down between my legs and was ready to suck in my cock when I told her no. "I'm not clean," I said. My face flushed red. "Well, let's take a shower then. We'll both be clean after that!" I shock my head. "No, that won't do anything. I'm not clean. It's not safe." Her face frowned. She pulled herself up and sat next to me as I pulled my pants back up and buckled them. The mood was broken. "I'm sorry," I said. I thought about how to make a graceful exit. "Want to talk about it?" she asked. I hesitated for a moment, wondering whether I wanted to say anything. What the hell, I'd gone this far. "Let's just say that my ex-wife gave me a going away present before I divorced her ass." "Oh," she said. I got up to leave. She made no attempt to stop me. As soon as I had closed her door, I broke down in tears as I stumbled my way back to my car. I had handled that horribly and started seeking advice on how to break the news to a partner better. I found some support groups recommended by my doctor and sat in with them. A few weeks later I was out with another woman, Wendy and we just clicked. She was attracted to me, and I just couldn't keep my focus off her deep brown eyes. I got lost in them. She invited me in for a nightcap when I dropped her off, and I declined. She seemed a little confused as she thought the date had gone rather well. I quickly asked her for another date to allay her fears that I wasn't into her. She accepted. A chaste kiss on the lips and I was gone. We dated for two weeks, five times I walked her to her door and excused myself. This evening I accepted her invite and she was eager to get me on her couch. Coffee was good but as we started to kiss and become more passionate I needed to speak with her. "Wendy, I want to tell you something," I said. She looked at me and before I could speak again she spoke. "I feel it too. I don't know what it is about you Tom, but I think you are very special as well. I might even be falling for you." I gulped. That wasn't what I had planned. "Uhhh, Wendy..." Her face dropped. "Oh crap, I did it again, didn't I? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you off." I shook my head. "No, no, no. That was just not what I was going to tell you." Yeah that made things better! A single tear crept out of her beautiful brown eyes. I shook my head. "No Wendy, please don't, I have something to tell, it's important." She tried to pull herself together. This was going to be tough. "Wendy, I feel something for you as well. Really. But I have to tell you something before we go any further." She got a startled look in her face. "I'm HIV positive," I said. Nothing. She just sat there for a long moment. "Oh shit," she said. "Oh, shit." "FUCK!" She wiped her face, her lips and looked at me in horror. "You kissed me!" I nodded. "I swapped spit with you!" "It's safe, you can't get it that way," I said. "Say's you, why should I trust you?" Her voice had risen to a frantic pitch. Those brown eyes of hers had turned black and ugly. "It's safe to kiss," I told her. She didn't seem to believe me. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me before?" She screamed. "I wanted to get to know you first," I said. "That's not fair," she screamed. "You should have told me before! You lied to me!" I had no answer to that. Maybe I should preface every introduction with, "Hi! My name is Tom. I'm HIV positive, you wanna date?" That was the last I saw of Wendy. I went into hermit mode and the next six months I focused on myself. I was happy, sort of. The problem with focusing on yourself is that you become more interesting to others. I don't know why, but when you don't act interested in others, they become interested in you. I had believed that life alone and with friends was what I had left, and so I concentrated on making it as filled with interests and new experiences as possible. I had a death sentence, I didn't know when it would come due, but I knew that I had one and during dark times I would dwell on the unfairness of it. Without the pressure of attracting members of the opposite sex, I was free to be a better person. This turned out to be very attractive to others. The more I tried to resist, the more attractive I looked. Soon I realized that I could project my 'don't care, have fun' attitude on the women to scare them off. Hannah, was the first I tried this with. It was a noisy party where I regaled the group with my recent daredevil story of rock climbing in Utah, when Hannah cornered me in the kitchen as I grabbed another beer. She dropped some line about getting to know me better, and as I was a little tipsy from the beer, I don't do much drinking anymore, I winked at her and just said, "Lot's of luck you ya, toots! I'm HIV positive, so now that I've scared you off, you got the rest of the evening to find someone else." That floored her, and I left her with her mouth hanging down to the floor as I strolled back out to the living room to join in a card game. The rest of the evening, I would notice Hannah glancing at me. I smiled and tried to ignore her. Whatever, if she wanted to stare at the freak, I would not let it affect me. As the evening wore down, I found myself leaving when Hannah asked me to give her a ride home. I shrugged and took her. During the ride home, she asked, "Is what you told me true?" I nodded. "Yep, my dear unfaithful whore of a wife gave it to me, nice huh?" She was quiet after that until I stopped in front of her apartment. She just sat there as I waited for her to leave. "Care for a nightcap?" She asked. I was a little startled but quickly nodded. We sat on the couch and she seemed curious as to what was safe and what wasn't safe. "Kissing, frenching, safe. Penetration, blowjobs, unsafe. I'll need to use a condom, but seeing as I've been abstinate since I left my ex, well, I don't have any." Hannah pulled out a condom and smiled. We kissed passionately on the couch as I played with her hair and started grabbing it and pulling it with passion. She moaned and soon we were naked. Normally, my routine for sex was blowjob, eat pussy, then fuck. That had to be changed and for the first in a long time I just wanted to play with Hannah's body and her tits. They were nice, small but sensitive and she enjoyed my attentions. She started to stroke me and before long she wanted to suck me. I rolled the condom on, god it had been seven years since I had used a condom. I hated them then and I hated it now. Part of getting married was looking forward to never using those fucking things again. Now I soberly realized that even if I did get into a monogamous loving relationship again, I would still have to use condoms for the rest of my life. She sucked me and I felt a stirring down there. It wasn't the same, but hey, even if I didn't have HIV, we probably would have used a condom. Next she straddled me and I kissed her small little tits as she rode me to orgasm. Soon she tired and rolled off me. "Your turn," she said. I shook my head no. "Not gonna," I told her. She proper herself up. "No?" "Nope, I never did like condoms, not much feeling down there. It's too different. I'll eat you if you like." She smiled and spread her legs for me. She had three more orgasms before we curled up in her bed and slept the night. The next morning I woke up for the first time in a long while to another warm body. We snuggled as I kissed her neck until she was awake. I got her all hot and bothered then just as she was ready, I had to take the time to find another condom and roll it on. I made love to her again and she seemed to enjoy it. I still didn't come. Hannah and I started seeing each other. We got along and she was eager to share some of my adventures. She was fairly athletic and we learned how to windsurf together. She was better than I. One afternoon she went to kiss me when I turned my face from her. "What's wrong?" she asked. "I have a cut in my mouth,' I said. "Oh." All of a sudden, the elephant in the room was visible again. HIV reared its ugly head and reminded me that my life was different from everyone else. I was a weapon that could kill with my love. Fucked up attitude huh? It sure fucked me up. Every moment of my life I could not give into my passions fully and loose myself in the moment. Spontaneity? Oh wait, you want it on the kitchen table before breakfast? Let me get a condom. Blowjob? Condom first! One time I cut myself with the steak knife. Hannah rushed to me to help. I pushed her back and screamed, "Don't come near me! You'll get infected!" She stood there as I went into the bathroom to clean myself up. I bandaged myself up and when I went to throw out the wrapping for the bandage, I discovered that Hannah had thrown the steak knife out in the bin. That made me sad. We tried hard but after the steak knife incident, Hannah realized what a risk she was taking by being with me. Always diligent, it would only take one slip up for her life to change. Add to the fact that any time I would start to feel sick, we both worried that my HIV was taking a turn for the worse. I would check my T-Cells on a monthly basis and always the days before I got my results I would be anxious and cranky. After six months, Hannah broke up with me. She wanted something a little more permanent, she wanted marriage kids and life into her sixties and beyond. Me, I was living life one day at a time. I had no future, I had no children, and I doubted whether I could ever have any. The last thing I wanted to do was to bring a child with HIV into this world. My genes were now a dead end. I had even stopped buying lottery tickets. I should have been broken hearted by loosing Hannah. I wasn't. Still numb it was always a pleasure to blame my current situation on that cunt of a wife I had. Everything was her fault. One evening I got a call from her father. Jessy had full blown AIDS. She wasn't doing well. Pneumonia had kicked in and the doctors felt she only had a little time left. I commiserated with him for a while over the phone. His genes too were now a dead end. Jessy was his only child and when she died there was no chance of his family continuing on. "I have a letter here for you that Jessy wrote. I want to send it to you," he told me just before hanging up. I received the letter the same day that Jessy died. I cried when I held the letter in my hands. A part of my life was gone forever. It seemed like the world was slowly taking everything away from me. "Dear Tom, I know you can never forgive me, but I do wish to tell you that I am so very sorry for what I've done to you. Please know that there isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life: that was cheating on you. I wish I could say there was a reason, some magic instant when my concept of you changed, my respect for you was lost, but there wasn't. Slowly over time I lost interest in you. I think you lost interest in me as the passion between us died slowly. The other men were different, not better, but they provided me with something you could not, and for that I'm sorry. We should have talked. Maybe we could have worked things out, but things changed so slowly that I didn't realize that we had become two strangers sharing a house. My biggest regret is that I brought something home to you that has hurt us both and will continue to hurt us. I was so selfish and never realized that a mistake could last a lifetime. Not just my lifetime, but yours. I have cursed you and for that I can not ask for your forgiveness. I know what pain you have gone through, and I know that not only did I steal your love from you, but I stole your life. I won't be around much longer, the doctor has told me I have AIDS now. I only wish to tell you how much I'm sorry and that I wish you can have a decent life after I'm gone. Love Jessy" I attended the funeral. I cried with her parents. Her mother couldn't look me in the eye. Her shame was too large. Her father gave me a check for ten thousand dollars. It was her life insurance policy she had when we were married. They didn't need it, and hoped that I could do something with it and try to remember the good times with Jessy. Georgia was a dark skinned girl from South Carolina. We met at work and there was a little devil in her. We became our own little two man group and the whole world seemed too oblivious to our sense of humor. We were friends first and pretty soon into our relationship I dropped the bomb about my predicament. She seemed nonplussed and we continued pulling practical jokes on the people from Accounts Receivable. One night after we had taken in a French film, Georgia kissed me and we quickly went back to my place for some fun. I reminded her about protection and she was totally fine with it. We did everything that night and enjoyed it. Georgia was the best lay I ever had. Afterwards she rested her head on my chest as our sweat intermingled. "Wow, Lover! If I had known how good you were I would have kissed you weeks ago!" I smiled and kissed her head. "I owe it all to you my dear, you were inspired!" Ok I know it was a little sappy, but hey, it was our first 'date'. We became fuck buddies, strange for an HIV positive man to be one, but it worked. About once every two weeks she would come to my place and we would have the best sex ever. One time after a few drinks, Georgia was very frisky and started to initiate sex. I reached for a condom and she pulled my hand back. "No lover, I want to feel you. I'm tired of the rubber." I stared at her and shook my head. "You don't mean that baby," I said. She swiped at my hand again and reached down my pants. "Come on baby! I'm horny, I need a taste!" "Georgia no! We can't do that." She got irritated by that. She was slurring her words a bit. "It'll be fine, just this once, there not much of a chance! Come on, I know you miss it!" God she could be so tempting. "No," I told her firmly. She struggled with me and tried to mount me. I wrestled with her and wound up throwing her on the floor. "I said no!" She stared at me for a moment then her face turned twisted. Consequences: Mistake of a Lifetime "I hate you!" she screamed and grabbed her clothes and turned to leave. "I don't know why I wanted you anyways, you can never give me what I want," she slammed the door as she left. I was shaking with sadness and anger. I knew she was drunk, but somewhere deep in her she held some resentment for me and my condition. Again, why can't things be easy? Working with Georgia after that was strained. We stayed apart as much as possible until a few weeks later she tapped at my cubicle to tell me she was leaving. She had found a new job elsewhere. I was happy for her and happy to see her go. As I said at the beginning of the story, after Georgia I went through some more women. Most of them were short term as they initially were attracted to me but when faced with the cold reality of my circumstances, they decided to find someone else. I couldn't blame them as I certainly would have done the same. I shrugged and turned on the television. The ballgame was on and I settled in for a quiet evening. I didn't know what the future held for me. I don't make plans. I take things a day at a time now. Who knows how long before I die. Then again, does anyone know?