71 comments/ 168664 views/ 29 favorites Consequences - Judith By: thecelt This is the seventh in a series of stories about the consequences of the actions some wives take. When a marriage and children are involved, the consequences can be painful. This is one of those cases. * She thought to herself there was no possible way things could be any better than they were. She told herself again that she was blessed: she had it all. She paused in her activities to look at herself in the full length mirror mounted to the back of the door to her closet. She saw a tall woman, blonde hair just touching her shoulders, eyes somewhere between light green or grey, a body in great condition and quite sexy. Her breasts were firm, her stomach flat, and her hips narrow. She touched her hair, smoothing back a few wayward wisps and smiled. Yes, she was still quite good looking for a 40-something woman. Judith Proctor turned back to her packing. She took her little black dress, three pairs of casual slacks and five blouses. She folded them neatly using some old towels to minimize wrinkles and put them into her suitcase. She had already packed her frilly underwear and her new teddy. All she had left were a few pairs of shoes and her cosmetic case and she was ready. She didn't anticipate needing much, so she would be finished well before Rick and the boys were due back. Three days and three nights in San Diego, and all paid for. The launch of the Dalton Power Drill/Screwdriver combination aimed at the woman's market was finished and it had been a complete success. Dalton Industries was sending her and her project co-chairman on an all expense paid trip to the Redstone Resort in San Diego as a bonus for meeting and exceeding all project goals. It was business, of course. There would be two days of self congratulations for all and some motivational speeches the last day exhorting them all to do it again, but overall, there should be a lot of free time. All she had to pay for was some shopping and souvenirs for Rick and the boys. She wanted to get something extra nice for Rick for being so reasonable about this trip. She had been a little afraid to mention it to him when the opportunity presented itself at work. Judith was one of the top designers for Casual Creations, a company that took consignments from other companies that wanted to market a particular product. Casual Creations designed the product styling within the design framework, created the packaging, and scheduled the advertising. They could take a product from inception all the way through launch, each department doing their part in the overall scheme. Judith was a packaging specialist, her forte being the graphics and the pictorial presentation. She was very good at it and very well paid. For this product, in addition to her usual work, she had also offered a contemporary design that the company loved. This project was especially interesting to her and she had spent many long hours perfecting it. When she proposed it to him, Rick had been pleased that the company would do this for her but not that happy about her being gone for that long. After all, he pointed out, she had spent many evenings away from home working on the same project that now wanted to send her away again for three days. She had patiently worked on his sense of fair play to convince him that she had earned this by working hard. She wanted to do this and he gave in, although not happily. As she thought about it, she was surprised at how easily he had given up. She expected days of complaining, wheedling and whining but he only protested for a couple of hours or so before throwing up his hands. She closed her suitcase, checked the locks to be sure they were set and pocketed the key. She picked up the bag aside and went downstairs to check on dinner. She had fixed a pot roast with baby potatoes and carrots and she had baked a coconut cream pie that she bought frozen. She was never very good at pastries, and she did want to set a nice table tonight before she had to leave for the airport. Rick said they could eat at 5:30 rather than their normal 6:15 to give her time to spend with them before they left. She saw that everything was right on schedule. She remembered the night before when she and Rick had made love. It had been different and very exciting. Rick had been very aggressive, almost rough, much more so than usual, and she had several climaxes before he pulled her on top of him to allow her to control the final pace. She had ridden him with her passions raging. The thought of being away for three nights without him made her want to make this night special for him. She drove him up to new heights before he spilled his seed inside her. Since his vasectomy, they needed no protection and the feeling of his sperm had triggered her own climax. They had collapsed together, breathing hard and covered in a sheen of perspiration. It had been very good, for both of them. But Rick had always been an exceptional lover and he had never disappointed her. Even after the birth of their two boys, their lovemaking had not decreased. Except for a few months after this project began. But even that was better now. Judith didn't want to think about that time. It had no place in her thoughts just now. Rick was her husband and together they had built a wonderful home for each other and for their two boys, Will and Robert. Will was the older, almost 9 years old now. Robert was just 7 but he acted older than his brother. He was the serious one, while Will was the carefree one. They made a good pair, each balancing the other. She loved them both equally. And Rick had always been the only one for her. They met one night fifteen years ago at a party thrown by one of their mutual friends and had hit it off immediately. At the time he was 25 and she was 23, and while both graduated from Rutgers University, they had never met while on campus. They dated for almost two years, both committed to their careers. They finally moved in together and eventually married. Judith remembered the night he proposed and she accepted. It was still one of her favorite memories. Their life together had been wonderful and when they felt ready for children, they were blessed with two healthy boys. She did indeed have it all. She felt a little chill at that thought but put it aside as simply nerves over the trip. She was waiting when the kids came through the door. She gathered both in for hugs and kisses, which they pretended embarrassed them. Rick was right behind and together they ushered the boys upstairs to wash for dinner. When they were gone, Judith put her arms around Rick to give him a hearty kiss and a hug. She felt a tenseness about him but before she could say anything, he relaxed, returned the hug and the kiss and then pushed her back. "What's this? Miss us already? You haven't even left yet." He smiled at her but she saw a darkness in his eyes that the smile didn't brighten. Was he missing her already? "Just glad to see my three men. I want to spend this time with you before I have to leave for the airport. That's all." She clung to him, not wanting the hug to end. "You don't have to go you know. We all want you to stay." Pushing had back, Rick looked into her eyes, waiting for her answer. He knew what it was but he asked. "It's too late now and anyway, it's just a quick business trip and a few days of relaxing before getting back into the grind." She reached out to hug him again, he was already moving away toward the small powder room. She frowned at him as he yelled back. "I'll wash up here and we can eat when the kids get down." She gave a sigh, then walked into the kitchen to set the meal. She still felt a little unease but shrugged it off. The meal was fun, all of them talking at once, comparing their adventures that afternoon with their dad at the park, or talking about their new projects for school. There was a science fair coming up and Will wanted to start on the ever famous erupting volcano as his project while Robert thought he should do something different. Their disagreement was good natured and Rick let them go at it until he finally shut them up. From then on it was just give and take as always. Judith sat back and enjoyed it all. But eventually it was time. Rick told Judith to just let things go and he and the boys would clean up later. They just sat and talked until Judith had to get ready. She was packed, her bag was sitting by the door and all she needed was her briefcase and her purse. She gave each boy a hug and a kiss and then sent them off to play, leaving her and Rick. "I'm going to miss you. You and the boys. I wish you were all coming with me. But it's only three nights. I'll be back late Wednesday night. You'll be there to pick me up right?" Rick smiled at her and nodded. "Don't worry. It's all arranged. You just go and have fun. I doubt you'll miss us at all." He gave her a big grin to show he was kidding, but Judith saw that same darkness in his eyes. She had to get herself under control! This was crazy. Just as she was about to say something, the sound of a car horn stopped her. "That's Rachael. I'd better go. Take care of the boys for me and I'll call you when I get in. Miss me!" Judith gave Rick a fierce hug and a desperate kiss before grabbing her bag from him and almost running out the door. Once at the car, she turned to wave to Rick once more but she saw the door close. He had already gone in. She put her bag in the back seat, frowning once more at the closed door. She had a feeling something was wrong, but told herself it was her overactive imagination. That was what made her such a good copywriter and designer but sometimes it was disconcerting. From inside the car, Rachael asked, "Ready for your trip? I bet you're looking forward to this. Three days at the Redstone. God, I wish I could have gone with you guys but I just couldn't get away. Good thing Wes could go in my place. I wouldn't mind spending a couple of days with him. Too bad you're so happily married. Could be fun." With a laugh, Rachael pulled out and headed for the airport. Judith answered her flippant comment and then sat back and wondered again why she was doing this. But she already had that discussion with herself and it was too late to change her mind. Wasn't it? At the airport, Judith checked her bags, went through the horrible ordeal of screening and finally found her gate. She had no sooner sat down than Wes Southern sat down beside her. He gave her a big grin. "Ready for this? Just you and me in San Diego. Too bad we have to go to the actual meetings. We could spend the whole time in bed, just making love. I can't wait to get you in bed, instead of that damn couch. Or the chair. Or the conference table." He was almost laughing by the end of that little speech. Judith smiled in spite of her misgivings. "We have done it in some strange places, haven't we? Well, we'll make up for that this week." She leaned back and closed her eyes. She had planned this so well. Rick had no idea and she was going to make sure it stayed that way. Now it was time to reap the rewards of her hard work and planning. She was pleased when they announced boarding for the flight. It was on time for a change. She wanted to get this thing started and that seemed to be a good sign. She and Wes were in first class so they boarded first. As she settled in for the flight, she wondered again if she was crazy for doing this. She and Wes had begun their 'affair' about two months ago. They worked together on the design phase of the project and it started one night after they had worked non stop for almost twelve hours. She was exhausted and so was he. They sat down on the couch in her office and before they knew it they both fell asleep. She woke later to the feeling that she was in bed with Rick, and he was running his hand up and down her thigh. She moaned in pleasure and spread her legs to give him room before opening her eyes to see it was Wes rather than her husband. She moved to push his hand away when he ran his hand over her panty covered mound. She stopped, the pleasure too strong to ignore. And it had been so long since she and Rick had made love. Pleasure warred with the guilt but the pleasure won out. With no more thought, they moved to undressing each other and finally into a bout of mind blowing sex. Judith had orgasm after orgasm before Wes finally ejaculated inside her. She started to panic until she realized that she was too far from her fertile period for anything to happen. Afterward, they talked frankly about what had happened. Judith was consumed with guilt but Wes talked to her and finally convinced her that it was not love, only sex. Rick would never find out, they would never tell another soul and they would spend time with each other only when the opportunity presented itself. They would not seek each other out or make plans. Casual sex only. Judith convinced herself that this was different than an affair. She was hooked on the guilty pleasure that this provided and it seemed to her creative personality that it could do no harm if she kept it isolated from her life with Rick. She finally agreed with Wes. She told him that from now on, condoms were required with no exception, Wes agreed. They met several more times and nothing happened to jeopardize their secret. Her guilt finally subsided and at home, she began to initiate love making with Rick again. He seemed pleased and they soon got back to their normal frequency. But while it was good, there seemed to be something missing. She told herself that once she returned, she was going to make some changes. Rick would come first again in their marriage. She had let that slide too much. This trip was a chance to spend some time alone with Wes, free to be with each other outside the office. She had refused to go to a motel with him or to be alone with him anywhere other than the office, which was her way of restraining herself and not doing what she considered a planned affair. She convinced herself that since this trip was work related, it continued to be just a workplace dalliance. She accepted this trip, knowing Rachael couldn't go, and that Wes was the next in line. And even though she felt guilt and fear of being caught, the guilty pleasure was too much to let go. As an added bonus, she and Rick were having sex much more often now and they had begun to experiment more. Rick was benefiting as much as she was. Justification. Rationalization. All excuses to continue. In San Diego, Judith checked in, went to her room, called home and talked to the boys for over an hour. When she asked to speak to Rick, the boys said he was upstairs doing something and hung up without giving her a chance to tell them to find him. She sat there, confused. Why was Rick acting this way? Why had he been so quick to get her out the door? She wondered again, not for the first time if he could suspect anything. But she had been so careful, so controlled. She and Wes had only been together four or five times. And those times were carefully hidden and no one had ever caught them. There weren't even any rumors at work. She worried some more, convinced herself that it was just a guilty conscience, then shrugged her shoulders and went down to meet Wes in the lounge. They had a nice dinner on the company and had a few drinks, but they were both too excited to stay. They went up to her room as soon as they could. They almost shed their clothes in the hallway in their excitement before falling together into the room. The rest of the night was spent in non stop sex. They finally fell asleep just before dawn, sated and satisfied. Judith slept soundly until just before she woke, and it was in that twilight between sleep and waking where the subconscious ruled, she had an overwhelming feeling of being alone and so sad. It was such an intense feeling, it woke her, hearing herself say over and over, "No, no, no." She found herself drenched with perspiration. She shook it off, saw that Wes had gone to his own room and rose to stood in the shower until the water made her forget. The three days went very fast and the nights were filled with sex. Sex with Wes had always been good because it had the added benefit of being naughty and wrong. Now, they did things that they hadn't been able to try before, but soon found that they were beginning to lose interest. The sex was still satisfying but no longer exciting. Something was missing. As the trip ran to its conclusion, the sex seemed to become almost routine. The thrill was gone, taking with it the excitement of the possibility of discovery. As they packed to go home, it was mutually agreed that this would end their short lived affair. They were not angry with each other so it ended in good feelings. Now she looked forward to getting home to see her kids and Rick. The only thing that bothered her was that she had been unable to contact Rick or the boys the last two nights. The message on the machine said that they were out and to leave a message. But no one had returned her calls. Judith put in a call from the airport to Rick at his office to make sure he would be there to pick her up. She let it ring but got no answer. She thought he might be out of his office so she left a message on his machine. Just a reminder. Just to be sure. She tried the home number again and got the same message. She forgot about it when they called for boarding and then she was on the plane and back in first class. Almost as soon as the plane got to flight altitude, she reclined her seat and fell deeply asleep. The last she remembered was a comment from Wes that they should try to enter the mile high club. She just patted his hand and wished him good luck before falling asleep. She slept the entire flight and Wes woke her just before they began their decent into Kennedy. She felt better with the sleep and was beginning to look forward to her reunion with her family. She watched the lights of the city glow below her as the plane made its approach. It was close to dinner time on the east coast. Wes agreed to stay behind at the gate until Judith made her way down to the baggage claim, expecting Rick to be waiting outside the area. She scanned the crowd from her vantage point on the escalator but couldn't see him. She found the carousel and still looking, she stood close to the conveyor and grabbed her lone suitcase as soon as it come off. She hurried over to the exit, her eyes scanning the waiting crowd while she showed the waiting attendant her claim check. She controlled her impatience as he matched it to her bag, punched the ticket and waved her on. She exited and looked for Rick, but suddenly saw instead a man holding a sign with her name: Judith Proctor? She walked over to him and said, "I'm Judith Proctor. Where's my husband?" He looked at her without interest. "Don't know miss. I was just told to meet you here. I was told you would be on flight 1025 from San Diego. Take you to 41556, Winding Drive. Is that you?" He just waited, not caring one way or the other. He had already been paid. "That's me. I guess my husband was tied up somehow. OK, let's go. I'm anxious to get home." "Is this your only bag?" She nodded and he took it from her hand and led her out of the airport and over to the shuttle van parking lot. They got in a nice limo and were off. She got herself comfortable and pulled out her cell to call Rick. It rang but all she got was the answering machine again. She was becoming concerned. Damn it! He should be home with the boys by now. She called Rick's cell and got his voice mail. His cell was turned off! It was all too much, and she was scared now. Suppose something had happened? Why hadn't he called? She had no choice but to wait until she got home. She willed the driver to go faster. After a trip that seemed to last forever, and several more unanswered calls, she saw their street and then the house. When the driver pulled into her drive, she noticed that most of the lights in the house were off. It appeared deserted, but that couldn't be! The driver opened the back door and she was about to get out when the driver stopped her. Consequences - Judith, Revisited I wrote Consequence- Judith almost a year ago but the ending always bothered me. Judith paid for her affair with Wes as she should, but I felt sorry for her. She fell on hard times afterwards, but then picked herself up and moved forward, raising her two sons and building a new life for herself. This is her story. Please forgive me for doing this but the comments from some readers told me they felt the same way I did. Edited by LadyCibelle with my thanks. Consequences-Judith, Revisited I pushed the papers around on the desk in front of me and tried once more to make a decision. I told myself this shouldn't be that hard for me, and I didn't have to please anyone but me and my client. After all, I owned the company and I was considered one of the best around. I had several awards from my peers for creative art, and a very nice cash award from a company that was happy that my packaging ideas had increased their sales by over twenty percent. So, this should be a piece of cake! It should be so easy that I wouldn't have to even think about it. But it wasn't going so easy and I knew why. Maybe I should bounce some ideas off Rick. He was always good for my creative juices. I always went to him when I had trouble and this qualified, big time! I had several ideas and maybe talking to him would help me decide. I picked the three best ideas I had been working with and began with the one that was my least favorite. Let's see what he thinks of these. "So, this one is just an idea: to show the product floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean with dark clouds off in the background. Underneath the raft, we have the words, 'Always be ready for the worst possibility. Call Continental today.' What do you think?" I agreed with him that this one was pretty weak. Maybe for something else? Could be. Take the next one. "OK, then, how about this? This shows a plane; a single seater, maybe one of those double winged jobs, you know? Anyway, the pilot is looking at his one wing and sees the covering begin to come off. He looks and then says 'Oh, darn, why didn't I prepare for something like this? I should have called my Continental Insurance agent before I took off.' Still nothing. Damn, he was a tough sell! Well, that's why I turned to him for his advice wasn't it? OK, go for the final one. "I have two people walking down the street, holding hands. In the background we see a car rushing toward them, bearing down on them. Neither is aware of it but the guy says to the girl, 'I got the papers from our Continental Insurance agent today. We're covered for anything that could happen.' In the background, we see the car veer off and hit a light pole instead of our people. They go off, unaware that they were ever in danger." "Yeah, I like that one the best too. I think the client will like it. I'll get Clark started on it tomorrow. Tonight, I'm just too damned tired to do any more." I got up from the desk and turned off the light. As I turned, I saw my son Will, standing in the doorway, watching me. He smiled sort of sadly at me and asked, "Talking to dad again? Seems you do that when you're stuck." "Yeah baby, it helps. It always helps." And it did help. I always felt better after talking with him. "What are you doing up? It's late and you have school tomorrow. You should be in bed." "It's fine mom. I'm just getting a drink of water. I'll be there tomorrow for sure. I don't intend to miss the final game; that's for sure." "Neither will I. We'll be sitting right behind the bench like always. Robert and I will be the ones screaming the loudest." He laughed as he moved off to get his water. Tomorrow was the final basketball game of the current schedule and unless they won, the season would be over. But, if they somehow won, which would be a miracle, they would go to state quarterfinals. I didn't think there was much of a chance but Will disagreed. As he should. He was a starting guard and had played in most of the games. At seventeen, he was tall and thin but strong as an ox. He was a senior and was hoping for a scholarship. He was certainly good enough. He was his father's son all right. I walked slowly down to the kitchen to watch my son finish his glass of water and wave goodnight. He left and I sat down, not yet sleepy enough to head upstairs to my own bed. Besides being a great athlete, Will was also a very smart boy. Not as smart as Robert, but still no dummy. He had listened to me in my den, talking to Rick, my husband. I did it quite often and Will never said anything negative about it. Robert was not so understanding however, and hated when I did it. It made him mad. I knew why of course. Rick and I were divorced after fifteen years of a wonderful marriage. We had been divorced for eight years; today was the anniversary of the day the final papers were delivered to me. The ones that made it official. It was my fault and I had told both the boys what I did when they were in their teens. I told Will first of course since he was the oldest and then Robert two years later. Both took it hard and I had some dark days afterward. But, both came to forgive me and life went on. Both were a little more subdued around me for some time afterward but I gave them their space and the time they needed. I just loved them and continued to be there for them until they remembered that it was their father I cheated on, not them. During that time, Rick never tried to use my depression and my actions as a reason to take my boys away. After he left, taking them with him, he had reconsidered and gave me full custody during the divorce. He wanted unlimited visitation and I agreed without reservation, because to have my boys was all I had left. I needed them more than they needed me. They had it hard during the depression but fortunately I never neglected them while I was falling apart. I had Rick take them when things got too bad but always came back for them. They supported me, probably with coaching from Rick. All in all, it was a strange time, but a fortunate time for me. They were the main reason I continued to live. As the boys got older and more involved in school activities, they spent less and less time with Rick and more time at home. Rick was fine with that since he was working steadily and spent a lot of evenings out of the house. The boys understood and made their plans accordingly. Actually, they spent most of their time with their friends and their activities but they always came home. I let them have their freedom since they had grown up learning to cope with some very serious problems at home and survived to become strong, confident boys. I was proud of them and who they had become. I never asked them what Rick said when they let him know I had told them what happened. Rick and I rarely spoke except to deal with problems about the boys, or to make plans for their futures. Rick and I both did quite well financially so there was never any problem with alimony or child support. We worked that out between us without need for lawyers or judges. Once our divorce was final, we began to work out methods of mutual support and it just became a habit over the years to do so. We got along well, no unreasonable demands from either of us. It was comfortable between us now, after several hard and bitter years. I don't believe he has forgiven me but he no longer seemed to hate me. That was a blessing for me. Why did I talk to him when he wasn't there? Because I never stopped loving him or counting on him for support when I was troubled. The fact that he wasn't there wasn't that much of a hindrance to me. I could see him as clearly as if he were. I could hear his comments and I knew what he would say back to me. I could carry on a conversation with him without a hitch. I always felt better after I 'spoke' to him. I always turned to him when I was in trouble or if I had a problem I couldn't solve on my own. I never made a business decision until I had 'talked' to him. Yeah, I know. Even my sons thought I was nuts. But I was fine! The fact that I could talk to Rick in my mind was enough to keep me sane; keep me from that depression that was so deep I almost drowned in it. I know; I almost did drown the first two years after our divorce. Rick was so cold then; he wouldn't talk to me or let me explain why I did it. Actually, I didn't even know myself but I wanted to try to explain. Rick let his lawyer handle everything and when I tried to make it difficult, Rick threatened through his lawyer to change the terms of the divorce and take my boys. I gave in and signed what he asked me to. I began to go downhill almost immediately after the divorce was final. I felt myself drifting away but I could do nothing to stop it. I had continued to work at my job, the only thing I had besides my boys, now that Rick was gone. Even though Wes was still there, we had no contact with each other by mutual agreement. But he talked: he told some of his buddies what we had done and that it cost me my marriage. I think it was a badge of honor for him but it proved to be my downfall. My reputation within the company changed from that of a dedicated professional to some kind of tramp that slept her way to the top. I was angry and alone with Rick gone, and I buried myself in the job, trying to prove those rumors wrong. While in the process of the divorce, I would talk to no one and kept pretty much to myself, but after my divorce was final, one of the men I worked with asked me out. I initially refused but finally thought 'what the hell' and accepted. We went out and I had too much to drink, trying to get myself through a bad evening. When we left the lounge, he drove me to his place and we had sex. It was rough, dirty and quick, but it was sex. And, I had been without a man for over six months. I told myself it would serve Rick right if I could have some fun. It was over very soon. He pulled up his pants and drove me home. No words were exchanged between us and that was fine with me. I would show Rick! I didn't need him! I continued to work and thought about what I had done. I was single so there was no stigma attached to the sex but it hadn't been pleasant and I wasn't sure I wanted it to happen again. I refused several more invitations but finally, after six weeks had passed, I decided to give it another try. Maybe this time would be better. We went out to dinner and then to a lounge where there was dancing. I loved to dance and Rick and I often spent the weekends dancing at one club or another. This evening began better than the first one but I soon did the same thing. I drank too much and began to lose my inhibitions. We danced several fast dances and then the slow ones. I felt him pressing against me and I felt myself getting wet. He suggested we leave and I agreed. We never got further than his car when he pushed me down onto the back seat and fucked me right then. It was over in a few minutes. He was satisfied but I was still frustrated. As he drove me home, I tried to get him aroused again by using my hands on his now soft cock but he kept pushing my hands away. I finally stopped, feeling like a cheap hooker. He dropped me off at home without even getting out of the car. This happened two more times before I woke up one night, and found myself lying on the floor of the living room, my pants down around my ankles, my blouse ripped open exposing my naked breasts and a pool of liquid running down my thighs and dripping onto the carpet. I was alone, my date for the night not present. I couldn't even remember who it was or where we had gone but I had vague thoughts that somewhere during the evening we had picked up another man. Could I have been with two men. . . .? All I knew was that I was alone and whoever I had been with had gotten what he wanted and left. I rose, staggered to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. The shock that I felt was the first sign that I had hit bottom. I spent the rest of that night and the following day in the bathroom, worshiping the porcelain god and asking myself over and over why I was doing this to myself. As I sobered up and thought about it, the first feelings were of shame and disgust. What had I become? Who was I punishing? And what about my boys? Thank God they were with their father for the weekend. Finally, my stomach calmed enough to allow me to get up and clean myself up. I went into the office Rick had established at the house and found an old phone book. I called a doctor and made an appointment for as soon as possible. The next call was to resign my position and put that part of my life behind me. I had to find some way to get myself back to some semblance of normal. I had to get on with my life! My two sons were the only things that kept me going then, but they were both in school five days a week and I was alone. I almost did something foolish a couple of times but I didn't and that was a miracle in itself. Just before I lost my kids and lost my sanity, I pulled myself together long enough to see a shrink my doctor recommended. Her name was Cheryl Hopkins and she helped me and got me on medication and stayed close until I was able to grab hold of life and hold on. Just by my fingertips at first, then clawing with both hands to find a stronger hold. Finally I pulled myself all the way up and my life was mine again. With Cheryl's help, I finally learned what caused me to do what I did. It was simple, really. I was a successful working woman with two wonderful boys and a husband that I loved unconditionally. I had what all women want: I had it all. And it wasn't enough! That's what I learned working with her, but even today, I can't tell you why it wasn't enough. I was successful, beautiful, creative and frustrated. I wasn't unhappy; I wasn't alone; I wasn't sexually frustrated, but there was something missing and I had no idea what it was. So, I went looking for it. Wes was a good looking man, a man most women found attractive and sexy. I began to notice him when we were working on a project together. He was flirting with me as he usually did with any women he came in contact with. He was a natural at it and I began to respond, initially in fun and then more seriously. We grew more aware of each other and he finally made a move. He cornered me in the supply room, pressed against me and I became aroused almost at once. That led to an arranged meeting where we had sex in my office on the stupid couch! That was my downfall. From there, the thrill and the forbidden part of it outweighed the guilt and filled that need inside me that was so elusive. We began an affair that lasted three months. It ended with the trip to San Diego and the three nights of sex. But it wasn't soon enough and it ended my marriage. In the beginning, I continued to work but without much direction. They let me stay mainly because I could make a real stink if I tried. Even though I was in charge on that project, Wes was higher up the scale then I was so sexual discrimination was a possibility. I didn't press the issue as long as they left me alone. I did make a fool of myself, going out with those men who knew what I had done and wanted to take advantage of me. I let them, trying to find some way to make me feel again. Feel something; feel anything at all. Even if it was wrong! It was stupid and they were less than able to be more than a quick, meaningless fuck with them getting what they wanted and me just lying there, feeling nothing. I was using them, trying to end the numbness that filled my life, but it was no use. I called my doctor the following morning after that terrible night when I couldn't even remember what happened, and that began my slow crawl up the steep slope of depression. Cheryl was relentless and wouldn't let me slide back down that steep slope. She never let go! It took almost two years but her treatment was successful and even now, I continue to see her from time to time. During that time, I quit my job and left those people behind. I had no desire to go back once I finished with my recovery. That was appropriate for that time but I needed a job. Rick left me enough that I didn't have to work and he was maintaining the insurance for all of us. I had enough money for food, utilities and upkeep and all I needed for the boys. It was enough but I needed a job for my own sanity. And there was no chance that I could go back to my old company. Not one chance in hell! I was good at graphic design and packaging design and I knew many people in that field. My old company was one of the top in the industry but I knew there were a lot of jobs they turned down because they were too small. I could handle those jobs by myself. I decided to give it a shot and got myself a business license and started my own little company, working out of my house. I called it, J. Proctor, Packaging Concepts. I advertised on the internet and by word of mouth to some of the people I used to know. I borrowed some money from the bank, using the house as collateral. Rick had given it to me in the divorce so that the boys could grow up in the only home they knew. We had a lot of equity in it so I used some of that for a small loan and bought the equipment I would need for my business: a computer with a lot of graphic capability, a large color copier, a drafting board and a photo layout. I also found a setup that would permit cross comparisons with multiple media. I would use that to transfer the best images to a film medium that would allow me to print and modify. Just the basics to begin with. Will had just turned thirteen at the time and Robert was still not a teen at eleven. They were a lot of help, giving me time in the evenings to work while they watched television, played games and in general, kept themselves occupied. Since they were too young to go out by themselves, it was a perfect time for me. We compromised: I made sure they got to their games or their practices and they left me alone later in the evening to work. Both understood what I was trying to do so we functioned as a team. It was one of the best times in my life and was a real plus as I began to get some business. Initially it was just a few referrals from my erstwhile workmates but it was a beginning. I lost the first two accounts I tried for but got the third and I was in business! As the year progressed, my business took off and I had to hire a girl to answer phone and internet queries, a draftsman to work on the big board, a color artist to fill in the singles, and one person to sell. I was good at all but not good enough to do it by myself. The only thing I changed was to have a small office put in at the back of the house where we could work, keeping me close to home. It seemed to work quite well and I began to take on more and more business. Over the next two years, my business continued to grow as well as my reputation and I was a financial success, paying off my loan and all my bills. Fast forward two more years. Will was seventeen, Robert was almost sixteen and I had just turned forty eight. My business was one of the best in town and I had twelve people working for me. I decided early on to keep my business small and restricted to those who wanted only the best. My people were the best and we maintained a solid reputation which translated into profits. I was well to do now and my boys had everything they needed. I went to Rick for less and less and he agreed to put his support payments into a bank account for the boys' college fund. As I said, Will was hoping for a basketball scholarship and would probably get one since he was so good. He wanted to go to Ohio State in the fall and he had already been accepted. Robert was so smart that he would have no trouble getting an academic scholarship when he was ready to go on. Both boys were popular in school and Will had a girlfriend that he seemed pretty serious about. Robert was just beginning to enter the life of female companionship and seemed to have no lack of pretty girls calling the house. Consequences - Judith, Revisited As for me, my business was successful and made me a lot of contacts. On the social scene, I was well known, invited to most of the important parties, had a lot of friends in all walks of life and overall was considered to be one of the 'in' people. I was usually in the company of many of the more important businesswomen of the city and my picture was always in the social section of the papers. But there was one thing lacking: I didn't date. I had not been on a date since I crawled back out of the gutter I found myself in. And I had not cared about any man at all since Rick left. Oh, I had men calling me, hitting on me at parties or social gatherings, asking about me and letting me know that they were interested. The only thing holding me back was that I wasn't interested in them. My friends kept after me to pick one of the many single, wealthy men that I knew but I was interested in only one man and he was gone. Sound stupid? Maybe. But how do I explain it? When Rick left me, he did it in a very dramatic way. He packed up and left while I was on a three day trip with my lover, Wes. We had gone on an all expenses paid trip together and spent the three nights in bed with each other. I told Rick it was a business trip and it was but I didn't tell him about Wes going with me. But he already knew about Wes and had it all documented. Stupid me, I had no clue. I was that typical cheating spouse who believed they were so much smarter than their significant other that nothing would ever happen. Consequences were for other people; stupid people who were careless. The strange thing about it all was that that trip convinced me that I was done with the cheating and the lying and the sneaking around. It was ironic that I found myself thinking about Rick all the time I was with Wes and by the end of the three days I had recommitted myself to my marriage and to Rick. But of course, Rick had other ideas. He left me with pictures of what I had become; divorce papers; and a letter telling me that we were through. His letter was blunt and to the point. He gave it to me good with that letter. And I deserved everything he said and did. I was guilty and had no defense. So that led to the depression and the fall and the pick-myself-up again routine that took two years of my life. Then the business I built for myself and my boys took another five years and got me to this point in my life. During that entire time however, I considered myself a married woman and vowed to do exactly what I promised myself I would do on that plane trip home from San Diego. I would rededicate myself to Rick and my marriage. The fact that Rick left and my marriage disappeared made no difference to me. I made a promise and I intended to keep it. Maybe too late, but my pride was not convinced. I met a lot of very interesting men during that time. I lusted in my head after a couple and had several erotic dreams of things I would like to do with them. It was a lot of fun then, and I used my one convenience, a large blue dildo that I kept in my drawer under lock and key. It was a battery powered thing that had a few bells and whistles besides. I would take it out on those rare nights when my boys were out and staying over at one of their friend's houses. When I used it, I may have begun with thoughts of one of those luscious men I lusted after but when the climax I worked for came, it was Rick I thought of. Wasn't that strange! Well, things happen that make no sense in life and the following night, while Robert and I sat behind the bench and screamed our hearts out for Will and his team, they went on to score one of the biggest upsets of the year. They won! They were going to state quarterfinals! How about that!!! Will was ecstatic and Robert was beside himself. I was a proud mother and I beamed all night as Will and his teammates celebrated. When Will asked if his team could come over to our place and celebrate I agreed. We did have one of the biggest homes of the boys on the team and we had a pool and a large backyard, well lit and fenced. Several parents volunteered to act as chaperones. It was perfect for a bunch of guys and girls and they enjoyed themselves and the pizza I ordered. The night was a great success. The following day, I learned the schedule that Will would have, going to practice and getting to the state regionals. It would require some time off for me and I happily made the arrangements. I was all set to do what was necessary and made the calls to my office to let them know. We were working at capacity so it would involve a little arranging but I was determined to find the time. I was sitting in my kitchen, working on a schedule for the jobs in progress when the phone rang. I reached for it without looking at the caller ID. "Hello. This is Judith Proctor." I held the phone to my ear with my shoulder, a move I had perfected, as I filled in the chart in front of me. I was reaching for a colored pencil when he answered. "Hi Judith, it's me: Rick." Delivered in a voice that was soft, fluid, easy to listen to, and a voice I heard in my head every night of my life. And he thought he had to tell me who it was? "Yes, I recognized your voice. It's good to hear from you Rick. It's been a few months hasn't it? Last time was to arrange for Will's birthday present? How have you been?" "Good. Very good. I was wondering, Judith, do you have plans for the regionals? I know when its being held but I don't know any of the details. I won't see the boys next week and I'd like to make arrangements to see Will play." "I was just doing the same thing Rick. The game is in Columbus next week, on Saturday afternoon. Will has to travel with the team on the bus but Robert and I are going to drive down Friday afternoon and check in for the night. We'll catch dinner that night and check out the next morning before going to the game. We have tickets. Rick got them for us. He got one for you as well." Then, just to punish myself, I asked, "Is one enough?" "One is good. I wondered if we could get together once we get there? You, me and the boys. We could go to dinner and then, the next day, we could go on to the game just as you planned. I'd really like to sit with Robert during the game; of course, you'd be there too so it's your call." "You mean dinner together; the four of us?" I was surprised since we had never been together as a family since our divorce. And that was almost eight years ago. I had been with the boys several times when Rick came to get them but never had we gone anywhere together. "And the game as well? The three of us at the game?" "Yes, but if that's not OK with you, then I can just make some time to be with Robert and Will. I should have mentioned it earlier. I guess you have already made plans." I was surprised again that it sounded as if he were disappointed. Could he have been serious? I was just anticipating his normal behavior where we spent our time nearby but never together with all of us. Not at the same time. Not in all those years since he walked out on me had we been together as a family. I know I was rambling in my mind as I tried to understand this new development. I knew Rick was waiting for me to say something but to be honest I was so confused that I blurted out, "No, I have no plans. We can meet for dinner, of course. That would be great for the boys. And I guess we could sit together during the game. Will would like that, seeing his family in one place. Just call me when you get there. We're staying at the Madison Hotel but that's not where the families are staying. They have a bunch of rooms set aside for parents at the Marriott Courtyard. You can call and make a reservation there if you want. You're listed under Will's family." Of course he was. He knew that. How could he not know that? Actually, since I kept my married name, Rick and I were both listed as Rick's parents. I had already booked a room at a different hotel so they shouldn't be confused when Rick called. But that was not my problem. My problem was why he wanted to have dinner together. That was new. That was different and I began to wonder if he had some news to give us all: news about him getting married again. Or perhaps he was just engaged to some woman. He said that he liked the idea of staying at the hotel better and would probably get a room there. I found myself saying goodbye to him and hoped I had not missed anything important. The last few minutes had gone by with me still in a state of shock. I took control of my emotions and put them aside while I finished the scheduling I was working on when he called. That was important and now had an even greater importance, at least to me. I was going to have dinner with my husband again; well, my ex-husband. But that was a distinction that was not important, to me at least. I didn't mention my phone call to Will or Robert until just before we left. Will had spoken with his dad several times and all he knew was that Rick told him he would be there and that he hoped to spend some time with both boys. I was surprised he didn't say anything about our eating together. It was just a dinner, nothing major. I was checking with the boys the evening before we were to drive down to be sure they had everything they would need. Mothering, that's what I did. They were too old to make a fuss about it and just grimaced as I checked their bags. I told them to come down to the kitchen with me since I had something to say to them. As they took their customary seats at the table, I placed a piece of apple pie in front of them with a glass of milk. Both boys loved my apple pie and I had made this one just that afternoon. I had taken off work early to do that chore and to get myself ready for the drive down. Not that I was worried about the drive. I was a nervous wreck but not about the drive. "Boys, I have something to tell you. Will; Robert; the three of us are having dinner with your father. We are going to be together for dinner the night before the big game. Rick called and asked if we could have dinner together and I said yes." I waited for their comments and was surprised when neither boy said anything. They continued to eat their pie without comment. I was taken aback by their attitude. But after a few seconds, it occurred to me that they just took it for granted that we would be together for something this big. How they could simply accept it was a shock to me. To me this was a huge thing. I hadn't been together with Rick for so many years that I saw this a major event in my life. Apparently, not in theirs. "Well, I guess it was a big deal for me. I haven't had dinner together with Rick for almost eight years. Now, he wants us to get together and I was excited. I'm sorry for making a big deal out of it." "No mom, it is a big deal and we know it. Dad asked us if it was OK with us if he came to dinner with you and us. We said yes." Will was smiling at me as he gave me this bit of information. He seemed to think it was amusing. "Well. And why didn't you mention it to me before I made such a fool out of myself?" "You never make a fool out of yourself mom. You are the coolest mom we know. The team thinks you're great as well! And we told dad that. He agreed with us and said he was looking forward to being together again and that it would be great if we could all get along." I listened to them going on and we had fun with the secret and how I had made it such a big thing. They were excited as well and underneath the fun and the teasing, I could sense a feeling of excitement in their voices. This was a big deal to them as well. I began to wonder what was coming. And as I wondered, the possibilities were many and not all of them pleasant. I cleaned up the kitchen afterwards and spent the remainder of the evening thinking what Rick was up to. I finished packing and took everything out to the car and loaded the trunk. I was nervous, now more so since our teasing. I tried to be positive but the one thing that kept coming back to me was that Rick had finally found someone who he was serious about and wanted to tell us all at the same time. He would use the dinner as the foundation to get us all in one place and then he would lay it on me. That seemed to me to be the most likely scenario. I knew that Rick dated and I knew that he had at least two serious relationships. The first one was four years ago and was with a woman named Leslie Wells. She was beautiful and was financially well to do. They dated for over a year and I did hear that they were engaged to be married. Rick mentioned her to me once when we were meeting to discuss college plans for Will. He didn't give me any detail but he did say things were moving along quite fast. I didn't dwell on it as the whole conversation made me sick. Sick at heart, and sick in my soul. I didn't let Rick see the pain I was in and I left as soon as possible. Somehow the relationship ran into hard times and they broke up. I was glad for myself, but sad for Rick The second serious relationship happened a year and a half ago with a younger woman. Her name was Jean Chambers and she was at least ten years younger than Rick. I was amused at first, then more concerned as he said it was serious. He actually used the word love once in describing her. Again, I terminated the conversation as soon as comfortable and left soon after. He never mentioned her again but I assumed he was still seeing her. I never asked the boys and I made it clear to both of them that their father's activities were off limits as conversation items with me. I didn't want to know and I made that crystal clear to them. They understood and never mentioned their father's paramours. Jean Chambers. This dinner was his plan to mention her and tell us that he was going to ask her to marry him! I knew he would tell me and the boys before he made it official. That was Rick: polite and considerate. He always was, except the time I cheated on him and he walked out on me. There was no consideration for me or my feelings then, and I understood that none was deserved. I screwed up and I deserved all he did to me. The pain I gave him was paid in full by the way he ended our marriage. He paid me back: no mistake there! And boy, did I pay! The following day was warm and bright and we left on time for the drive to Columbus and the quarter finals. Will was on the bus with his teammates while Robert and I were in our car. It was a four-hour drive and I wanted to get there early to give myself time to shower, primp and dress for our dinner. Rick might have broken my heart but I wanted him to see what he had walked away from eight years ago. I had a brand new dress, new shoes, new black lace undergarments and a gorgeous necklace with a diamond pendant that I planned to wear with matching earrings. With the perfume he bought me for our anniversary that same year, I planned to be as sexy and gorgeous as money could make me. The cosmetic surgery I had two years ago still made my few wrinkles too fine to worry about and the weekly workouts in the gym that I belonged to kept me fit. We arrived at the hotel and checked into our rooms. I let Robert have a separate room, but explained that he would have to share with his brother, but he seemed pleased and took his carryall in to unpack and change. We planned to eat at six thirty but Rick hadn't called yet so our plans were flexible. We decided to walk over to the parking area to see if the bus was in yet. We should have beaten it by more than an hour so we might see it arrive. Robert led the way while I looked around the lobby and the shops adjacent to the hotel. We could walk to many of them and there were several restaurants nearby. The bus arrived soon after and we saw Will get off. Before he saw us, Jill, his girlfriend walked up to him and hugged him. He smiled at her, leaned down to give her a kiss and then said something to her. She nodded, then rejoined two girls waiting for her. He watched her go then looked around and spotted us. He jogged over to meet us and we took him back to the room to change. Robert took him up to their room and I left them alone and walked down to the lobby to look in the gift shop windows and people-watch. I thought it was fun to wonder who they were and where they were going. I used to do it all the time. I took a seat and had been enjoying myself for several minutes when I saw Rick come in. It was both a shock and a thrill seeing him again after several months. I didn't get up or give him any indication that I was there. He checked in, producing his card and signing in as efficiently as he did most things. God, he was a pleasure to watch! He grabbed his bag and turned away from me to find the elevators. I watched his tight butt as he walked away and memories of what we once had came flooding back to me. Once again, I felt myself become warm with desire as I remembered. As I said, even when I thought of another man in lust, my fantasies ended up with Rick as the star. Crazy! When I saw him in the flesh, so to speak, there were no others. I let him go up and then followed, heading to my room to begin to get ready and to wait for his call. I wanted to be sure I was in control when he did. Later, when I finished doing my face and hair, I walked into the adjoining room where Will and Robert were talking about the game and what Will was going to do. Will was trying to be calm but the excitement was pouring out of him. I listened to the exchange and marveled again at the young men I had been privileged to raise. They were gentlemen and I was so proud of both. They were already dressed for the evening in clean shirts and pressed jeans. OK, so I pressed their jeans. Sue me! I turned and went back into my room through the connecting door. I was almost ready and I wanted to put on my dress at the last possible moment. No wrinkles for me. None! I wanted to be as perfect as possible this evening. As I was putting on my necklace and earrings, the phone rang. I picked up on the second ring to hear Rick's voice ask me if we were ready. I told him five minutes and we would meet him in the lobby. He hung up and I began to panic. It was time! Oh God, what have I gotten myself into? Rick and I at a table together for more than just a conference on details of our sons affairs? I wasn't sure now if I could even do this. I was already a nervous wreck and I hadn't even left the room! I yelled at the boys through the door and told them we were going down to the lobby to meet their father. Will and Robert came into my room, looked at me and the way I was dressed. I held my breath until Will whistled out loud. "Wow! Mom, you look hot! Even if you are our mom, I have to say, you look hot!" I choked. I admit it now that I choked up at his words. God, how I needed those words from anyone, even my son. I fought not to cry and simply smiled at him. Before he could move, I grabbed him by the shirt front and gave him a huge kiss on the forehead. He pretended to fight me but I heard him whisper, "Go for it mom. Go for it!" With those words, my fears fell away and I decided that I was going to enjoy the company of three good looking men and the hell with the consequences. I was going to have fun and let the chips fall where they may. I opened the door, waved my two companions out and then shut the door behind me. I put my arm through each of my sons' and together we moved down the hall to the elevator. After a short ride, we exited arm in arm and went in search of my ex. We found Rick waiting in the lobby, standing alone, holding a small box. As he saw us, he smiled and moved toward us. We met in the middle of the lobby, the four of us, looking for all the world, like a regular family: husband, wife and two handsome boys. I felt strange for just a minute until Rick started to talk. "Judith, you look amazing. You are absolutely beautiful!" He was staring and I was pleased to note that the effort seemed to be well worth it. I smiled back, a blush staining my cheeks. Consequences - Judith, Revisited "Thank you Rick. You look nice as well." That was all I could get out but it was enough to break the ice. Rick looked me over and the blush spread. I enjoyed the attention and the thrill that went through me was not to be discussed in polite company. He turned to Robert and reached out to clasp his shoulder. "Hi son. You look presentable for a change. I hardly recognized you without your 'Buckeye' shirt." He then turned to Will. Instead of a fatherly pat on the shoulder, he reached out to take Will's hand in a firm handshake. They looked into each other's eyes for a brief second, a shared thought passing between them. Rick dropped his hand and held out the small box. "Before we go in to dinner, I want to give you something Will. This was mine and was given to me by my father when I went off to college. He told me that I should pass it on to my own son when the time was right. I think tonight, before the big game, is the right time." He handed the small box to Will who took it and held it as if afraid to open it. Robert was standing beside him, his feet tapping in anticipation. "Com' on Will! Open it! What is it?" Will looked at his dad, then at me, and finally back to the box. He carefully opened it to find a gold pocket watch, the entire surface engraved with intricate vines and leaves. It was attached to a short chain with a fob at the end. As he lifted it out of the box, the gold shone brightly and the chain dangled from his hand. He gazed at it, touched the top with the other hand and pushed gently. The cover popped open and inside was a white face with golden numbers and black hands. The inside cover was mirror bright and smooth. I looked at it and was moved at the sentiment attached. From father to son, on and on. I was glad for Will to get such a gift from his father. Robert was touched almost as much and showed no resentment for such a gift to be given to his older brother. Once again, pride in my sons took my breath away. A tear began to force its way into the corner of my eye and I quickly brushed it away. "Well, can we go in and sit down. My legs don't seem to want to support me right now." I smiled to take the seriousness out of my voice but Rick seemed to understand. He moved toward me, took my arm and led us into the restaurant. He had already made a reservation for the four of us. As we were shown to our table, Rick motioned to me to slide in first and then moved to sit beside me. Will and Robert sat across from us and both seemed to be pleased at something. I was trying to maintain my composure with Rick sitting so close to me. My breathing was a little erratic but I was able to bring it under control and join in to the conversation that started without me. Dinner was a very happy affair. The boys were ravenous and both devoured a huge double cheeseburger with a big side of fries while I had a salad and a chicken salad sandwich. Rick had a steak with a baked potato and mixed vegetables. We all had dessert: pie with ice cream for the boys and Rick, a small dish of sorbet for me. After all, this dress was pretty tight to begin with. I did all right if I do say so and I was sitting next to a man that I had dreamed of many times over the past eight years. Most of those dreams were pretty erotic as well. Makes it hard to concentrate on food. After dessert had been consumed, the boys excused themselves to head back to the room. Will had curfew and the coach would call the room at eight to check on him but he wanted to see Jill until he had to check in. He was not going to miss that call; tomorrow was too important for him to mess it up. Robert would do whatever his brother asked him to do so the two of them were fine. I watched them go with a smile. It did occur to me that I was alone with Rick for the first time in many years and the idea didn't scare me as much as I thought it would. After all, what could I lose? Rick? I lost him eight years ago and he was the only man I cared about. Rick called the waiter over and asked for coffee for himself. He looked at me and I nodded to indicate that I would like a cup as well. I was enjoying his company and I wanted it to continue. Coffee was perfect; something to do with my hands. Rick said nothing for a while, waiting for the coffee. I was content to sit in his company, just enjoying the companionship, something I had missed so much. I asked myself; why couldn't we have parted at least as friends? I knew the answer to that. The pain I gave him was too much to ignore and forgive. I knew it well! The coffee came, the waiter set the cups in front of us, poured the coffee and after making sure we were okay, walked away. We were truly alone. I didn't know what to say and I wondered if I was the one who should begin. After all, wasn't this the conversation I so much wanted at the time but didn't get? Should I take it now? Should I say the things I wanted to say then? I steeled my courage and was ready to begin when Rick turned to me. "Judith, could I ask you something? Just a few questions that have been bothering me for some time. If it's OK?" I was relieved that he would begin. And could he ask questions? Please! I would tell him anything he wanted to know! All I wanted then was to lay myself open to him and let him ask or say anything that would allow him to forgive me. I prayed that it would happen! I prayed that he would allow me the chance to tell him that he was never to blame for any of what I did! "Of course! Anything, Rick. Just ask me." "OK. First, is it true that you talk to me as if I'm there? As if I'm there with you?" That's what he wanted to ask? That? God! I had hoped and prayed for this chance and he wanted to know that? "Yes, it's true. I've always done that. Ever since I began the business. I always valued your advice but since you weren't there, I pretended you were. I knew you so well; I think I knew what you would say so I just filled in for you. You can't know how much you've helped me. Once, I was going to buy a big laser printer but when I asked you, I could just hear you say that it was too big and would cost more to operate than it would return in value. I didn't buy it. I bought a smaller one which has been perfect for my business. Good advice!" "Why didn't you call me? Or ask my advice for real? Wouldn't that have made more sense?" "Rick, you made it clear to me that you wanted nothing to do with me. We both know why so why would I call you to ask for your advice?" Rick looked at me for a second, nodded in understanding and looked away. I was afraid I had made a mistake by being too direct, but he turned back and continued. "You never date. Why is that? I know things didn't work out for you right after the divorce, but you are still beautiful, successful, and I know any number of men who would love to go out with you. Why haven't you dated?" It was one of the questions I thought he might ask and I was ready with an answer. I prayed it wasn't a mistake to tell him. Well, again, what did I have to lose? "I made a mistake eight years ago and I paid a heavy price for it. I had no choice but to pay that price, and I have. But, one thing I learned during my work with my shrink, Cheryl Hopkins, is that there was only one man for me and that was you. I promised myself after working with Cheryl that I would be the perfect wife for you." I saw he was going to object and say something, so I quickly interrupted him. I had to get this out before he stopped me! "Before you say anything, you have to understand something: I had made that promise on the plane ride home from San Diego. Wes and I had already decided to end our affair and I was ready to recommit to my marriage and to you. I realize now that it was naïve of me to assume I would be allowed my transgressions and just begin again as if nothing had happened. But then nothing I did then was reasonable, or fair, or even right. "I screwed up bad back then. It was me, Rick! It was all me! I know that now, and I know why I did it. But, that didn't justify it. It just allowed me to understand why and to make sure I would never do it again. Even though we are divorced, I promised and I have to keep that promise. It's important to me! Even if it is only to myself. "So, you see, to date would be to cheat on you. So, while I have seen some real cute men who I would love to date, I can't. That would be breaking my promise to myself. And, I'll tell you a secret that the boys don't know: sometimes I think of nasty things I would like to do with them but when I do, guess who I end up in bed with?" Rick was looking puzzled and didn't answer. I smiled at him, waited another few seconds and told him. "You! Even in my dreams, I can't cheat on you now. I may imagine them to start, but you are the one I end up with every time!" I watched the expression on his face and I had to laugh. It was too funny. He had no idea what to say or do and that put him at a disadvantage for the first time in eight years when with me. God, how good that felt! How good it felt to say something serious and funny and preposterous to my ex-husband without fighting or cursing or anything else. It was just fun and I realized that I was having fun. "You don't even have to say anything. I just wanted to tell you that. It's true regardless of whether you believe me or not. I know my credibility isn't at the top of your list." Rick shook his head, not quite sure how to take that or what to say. "I'm not sure I know what you are saying, but that's fine. Another question if you don't mind. What are your plans for your future? If you don't date, and won't date another man, do you plan on being single for the rest of your life? I can't believe that would be your choice. Is it?" "Yes." There wasn't anything else to say. That was my choice and I made it six years ago, right after I came out of that dark place I lived in then. I explained it to Cheryl and she accepted it as a reasonable choice for me. I had my reasons and she knew what they were so she never tried to change my mind or talk me out of it. Rick looked at me, his eyes never leaving mine. I returned his look, my confidence in my own life and my own choices giving me the strength to hold my ground. If I couldn't have Rick because of what I did to him, then I had paid the price and I was free to do as I chose. I chose to be alone. For his part, Rick was still trying to assimilate what I told him. I had been honest; I had given him the truth and he knew it. There was little for him to say and he was quiet now. I suggested we move to the lounge and have a goodnight drink and he looked at me with a strange expression. I knew all his looks but this one was a new one to me. But, after all, eight years is a long time and people change. Rick slid out of the booth, reached back to give me his hand to help me up and then led me to the lounge. I followed, admiring him from behind: he really was a striking man. He stopped to pay the bill while I waited in the lobby, noticing the looks from some of the men there. I was used to those and I ignored all but a few of the more interesting ones. I never let there be any misunderstanding however. No come hither looks; no lowered eyes; no simpering. None of the vibes that said, "You can have me if you want." Rick came over, took my arm gently and led me into the lounge. We were seated at a small table toward the back and Rick sat next to me rather than across the table. I was pleasantly surprised and let him know with a wide smile. He smiled back! "Judith, I have to tell you something. I've had a private detective check you out at different times over the last three years, just to prove to myself that Will and Robert were not lying when they would tell me about how you lived. I never wanted to invade your privacy but I did wonder about your social life." My smile faded at his words. After what I did to him, I deserved to be punished, but after that, what right did he have to continue to monitor my behavior? It wasn't fair and it made me angry. For the first time in years, I felt I had to say something to Rick that would not be conducive to winning him back. "After eight years and a divorce where you shut me out of your life, you wanted to investigate me? I did no such thing to you, telling my boys not to discuss you or bring any of your affairs or flings into my home. I gave you your privacy! Why couldn't you do the same for me?" "I offer my apologies. At first I convinced myself that it was to protect my boys. But I knew that was not true. You were a great mother and they told me so many times. I knew they adored you and that you gave them everything they needed to grow and turn into the wonderful young men they are. "Then I tried to tell myself that I was curious to see how you lived your life when you no longer had to worry about a husband. That was more realistic. More of what I wanted to know. It was a shock to see how you lived. Not dating, going out only with women or clients and their wives. I wondered why you would do that. It drove me crazy trying to understand what you were doing. "That's one of the reasons I asked to join the three of you this evening and for the game tomorrow. I had to see you again and see for myself that you are happy and content with your life, knowing how you chose to live it. And I'm convinced! You are happy and you are satisfied with yourself and who you are. You may not believe it but you were never that way before. This is definitely an improvement!" I listened as he spoke and strangely enough, believed what he was saying. The Rick I knew would never invade my life or my privacy without some good reason. This was his way and I knew him well. Even now. He was looking out for me and my sons. Of course! "Well, I guess you had a reason. But I would have appreciated it a lot more if you had simply asked me. We talked from time to time. You could have just asked." "Would you have answered me? Truly?" "Yes Rick, I would. This is me, the me that I became five years ago. This is not the same woman who cheated on you and who you devastated so completely. I know who and what I am now. I know what I did and I paid the price. What's the expression for that? Oh, yeah: I did the crime and I did the time! Well, I did the crime and afterward it was a hell of a time for me for almost three years. First the divorce, then the aftermath, then the depression and the fall. Then I picked myself up and moved on. "So, yeah, I would have told you. I would have told you anything you wanted to know. As a matter of fact, I would have welcomed the chance to tell you what happened to me and why I did what I did. I prayed for the chance to tell you that. I always wanted to say two things to you Rick. Just these two simple things: you were never at fault for anything I did and I'm so very sorry that I did what I did." Rick listened intently to all I said and then when I said the very last things, I could see his eyes open wide and I swear there was a glassiness to them that suggested that he was tearing up. Rick was a strong proud man and I knew that for me to see him cry was hard for him, so I did what any loving wife would do. I stood and excused myself to go to the ladies room. I moved quickly to protect myself from the same thing and when I got inside, I let myself go. I cried to relieve the stress and then stopped. I was done! I did it and I had said what I needed to say. I was proud of myself and I felt as if a load was lifted from my shoulders from just saying those simple words. How powerful they were! I rinsed my face with water, reapplied my lipstick, and put a few drops in my eyes to mask the redness and looked at the result. Yes! I was ready to go back. At the table, Rick was sitting with his hands folded in front of him on the table. He looked up as he saw me coming and I was greeted with a huge smile and a look of pride. Proud of being with me? Be still my heart! Silly girl! He stood as befitted a gentleman and waited until I sat down. Then he surprised me by saying, "Thank you for giving me time to compose myself. You always did know me better than I knew myself." "I did indeed. But then I loved you, so it was second nature to me. It still is Rick. I still do, you know: love you." I almost hunched my shoulders up to defend myself against his reaction. I was prepared for almost anything when I told him that: anger, pain, disgust, certainly surprise and embarrassment. Any of those would have been understandable coming from someone I had hurt as badly as I hurt Rick. I was prepared to accept the worst. What he said then, came as a complete surprise to me. "I believe you Judith. I really do believe you love me now and that you loved me back then. I never doubted that. My actions were not taken with the idea that you loved Wes more than me. I divorced you because I was hurt so badly by your betrayal that I couldn't find a way to go forward with you. "And I tried. I really tried when I found out what you were doing. I asked myself if there was any way I could forgive and forget what you had done. I was almost ready to accept that you had made a mistake and that we could go forward and then you told me about the trip to San Diego and then lied to me about who you were going with. That's when I knew that my love for you wasn't enough. I was left with no choice. "And you may not believe me when I tell you that it was the hardest decision I've ever had to make: the decision to walk away. Because, like you, I never stopped loving you. Even then, knowing what you were doing, I couldn't stop loving you. I just couldn't forgive you. And I knew I would never forget." I listened, my heart breaking, not for me but for him. The pain I caused him was too much for me to bear. I remembered the pain I felt when he threw me out, but I wasn't able to consider his pain until many years later. That came in an epiphany while working with Cheryl. And it's true: I remember the pain when I understood what he was feeling; what I had done to him. It was so much worse than any I had suffered for my betrayal. "Rick, please. Don't go there. I understand and I don't blame you for not forgiving me. I know what I did and it's my shame to bear. You have been fair with me over the years and you've never given me anything but your cooperation with our sons. You've never thrown what I did in my face. All I can say is thank you for allowing me this time to say some things that I wanted to say and that I needed to say. It was a gift that I will cherish. Thank you." Rick was looking at me with that look again. I still didn't understand it but it wasn't anger or resentment so I was happy about that. I felt good. I felt that maybe we could go on to become friends again. Maybe I could put him at ease by getting the conversation back to neutral topics. Or topics that he would be comfortable with. "Tell me about Jean Chambers. The last I heard from you, it was heading toward serious. Is she about to become the next Mrs. Proctor?" My stomach flipped when I mentioned her but I thought that if I opened the conversation about her, he would feel comfortable mentioning the upcoming marriage proposal. Now the look on his face turned to surprise. Maybe he hadn't intended to bring her up. Maybe it was still too soon? He shook his head and answered. "I haven't seen Jean for almost two years. I'm surprised you even remembered her." "Really? You mentioned that you thought you might actually love her the last time we talked about her. I guess I thought that marriage was in the cards." "I was smitten at the time. She was young and aggressive and I thought that I could actually keep up with her. Boy, was I wrong! We parted shortly after I said that. I'm not seeing anyone now. Haven't been with anyone since her." Consequences - Judith, Revisited "But why? You are still as hot as ever and you have all any woman would want. You're successful, good looking, great in the sack and pretty well off. What's stopping you?" "It appears that I can't find anyone who satisfies me completely. None of the women I dated or spent any time with were what I wanted. Some were too pushy, some were not aggressive enough, some were just not good in bed and some were just after a body to keep them warm and take care of them. They all lacked something." He stopped then, looked at me very seriously and said, "There was one who had it all, but it didn't work out." I took the bait, wanting him to keep on talking. This was my Rick and even if he said something that would hurt me, it was so wonderful to sit here with him and just talk. "Why not? Was she stupid? Was she so stupid that she let you get away? Who was that crazy lady?" "She was you. And yes, she was stupid and she did let me get away. As a matter of fact, she pushed me away. It was too bad, because she was perfect for me." My breath came in small gasps. This was it! This was my chance for something I had given up all hope of ever having. If I didn't try now, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I might crash and burn, but I would go down fighting. Taking my heart in my hands, I went for it. "Maybe she learned her lesson Rick. Maybe she's smarter now and knows what she would have with a man like you. Maybe she's ready for you now. Ready for a life together with all that means. It's for sure she wouldn't make the same mistakes again." "Do you think that's possible? Could she be different this time around? Why wouldn't she make the same mistakes again? I don't think I could take that again. It was too painful the first time it happened." "I think she would die before she would make those mistakes again. She knows the pain she caused to those she loved and I think she would die before she hurt them like that again. As a matter of fact, I know she would. I know it with all my heart." Rick looked at me and I held my breath. Could he forgive me? Had the years softened his heart and made the pain I gave him less intense, enough that he could learn to love me again? I looked him in the eyes and I held his gaze, the truth of who I was now clear, if he chose to look deep enough. He said nothing but reached for my hand. I gave it to him, still holding my breath. If he didn't say something soon, I was going to die! This night had gone in a direction I had never anticipated. He had gone all the way back and he did it all at once. It offered up a chance that I believed was gone forever and I wasn't sure I could hold on much longer without screaming out loud. "I believe you because I want to believe you, Judith. I have to believe you if I want to be happy. I've not been happy for the last eight years. I've tried to forget you and move on but that's been a failure. All those women weren't you, and that's who I was searching for. I finally realized that there was only one woman for me. "But Judith, if you hurt me again, you'll kill me. Understand that! If we start again, it has to be for the rest of our lives. Don't say or do anything unless you can promise me that. You have to promise me that or I have to walk away like I did eight years ago. I couldn't take it if you did it again! "Can you promise me that? Can you, knowing what you are promising?" I got up from my chair, walked toward him, and in front of everyone in that lounge, I knelt in front of him and held both of his hands in mine and said, "I promise on my life." Epilogue Will's team was defeated in the quarter finals and we all cheered him even as they lost. He played brilliantly and that was enough to get him the scholarship he so wanted. His father and I were so proud of him that night. He played his heart out but took the loss with dignity. He went on to play in college and graduated with a degree in Business Management. He joined his father's company when he graduated and progressed up through the ranks until Rick felt confident enough to retire and turn it over to him. Along the way, he married Jill, his high school sweetheart and they have three wonderful kids. Robert earned an academic scholarship and attended Harvard. He wanted to be a lawyer and graduated with honors. He went on to finish his degree in Law and joined a practice in New York City. He earned a reputation as a tenacious opponent and finally left to start his own practice. He now has four lawyers in his firm and has proposed to a girl he met in one of his cases. They seem to be deeply in love and we hope for the best for them. Rick and I dated for several years after that night in Columbus. I wanted nothing more than to be with him in any way that he would permit. He said he loved me and I certainly loved him but he was still cautious. I couldn't blame him since I was the one that made him who he was then. I never pressed him or asked for more than he was willing to give me. We moved in together when Robert went on to college and we've lived together ever since. When the boys come home, we are all together just as we used to be. Nothing seemed different to those who knew us. I kept my company and we continued to be successful in the field. I let my partners take more and more of the responsibility and worked less and less. But when Rick decided to let Will take over his company, I made an equally difficult decision and sold my company to a group made up of my employees. I let them know that I would very seriously consider any offer made by them. We reached an agreement and I left, retiring once and for all. I was sitting at our kitchen table one afternoon, considering what to do about my upcoming birthday. Will and Robert both were coming home to help me celebrate my sixtieth birthday. I wasn't sure it was something to celebrate but they wanted to do something special so I agreed. Rick had just turned sixty one and agreed that we should have a party. I gave up, being outvoted by my three men. Rick came in from the outside, looking fit and healthy, his tanned skin glowing with a light sheen of sweat. He sat down across from me and asked me to get him a glass of iced tea. I smiled at him, taking his warm hand in mine, still not over the wonderful gift of forgiveness he gave me almost ten years ago on that night when he took me back. I would never get over it and I thanked God every night for that gift. I rose and went to the refrigerator to get the pitcher of sweetened tea we kept full at all times. I poured us both a glass with plenty of ice and carried both back to the table. Rick was sitting there, looking nervous now. I sat down, slid one glass over to him and asked with some concern, "What's the matter Rick? You look troubled. Is something wrong?" He looked up and shook his head from side to side. "No, nothing is wrong." I noticed that he was holding something in his hand and wondered what it was. I didn't have long to wait. He stood, walked around the table to stand beside me and then, in a gesture so similar to the one I made that night in Columbus when I knelt in front of him in that lounge in front of everyone there and made my promise to him, knelt down and took my left hand in his. "Judith, I have been happier in the last ten years then I have ever been. You have been all I could ever have hoped for and I love you more than ever." He opened the box and took out my old engagement ring, the one he took back when he divorced me. He held it up in position to slip onto my finger. "Judith, will you marry me again?" I pushed my hand forward before he could move that ring away! "Yes, oh, yes I'll marry you." Consequences - Judith "Miss, I was told to hand you this envelope when we got here. I got no idea what it is, I'm just following orders. Guy gave me an extra hundred to do it, so I'm doing it. Here." He handed her a rather thick manila envelope with her name on the outside. It was printed and she recognized Rick's hand, but she couldn't take the time to open it now. She had to get inside to see what was going on. She stood, shifting from leg to leg as she waited for the driver to pull her bag from the trunk. She grabbed it and ran for the house, panicked and feeling sick to her stomach. She was now scared to death. What had happened to her husband, or maybe one of the boys? God, please don't let it be anything serious! Inside the door, it was as she suspected. There was no one home. The house was quiet, the only lights on were the night light over the stove and the hall light they always left on for the boys if they woke during the night. She checked the downstairs, then ran upstairs and looked in all the rooms: empty. She went into their bedroom, looked around but saw nothing out of the ordinary. Just as she was about to turn away, she noticed the door to Rick's closet open. He never left it open! When he did, it blocked the hall so he always closed it. She walked over, turned on the light and pushed the door open further to see that his clothes were gone. She saw that he had taken everything! Rick was gone! With a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, she walked slowly into the boys room. They shared a room with twin beds, both now made. She looked around, noticing that their computers were missing, their favorite posters were gone from the wall and the drawers to their dressers were open and empty. They were gone as well! She ran downstairs to look around for a note, a letter, anything. Then she remembered the manila envelope! Where was it? She ran into the kitchen and saw it laying on the table beside her purse where she had dropped it. She turned on the overhead light and tore it open. Her legs suddenly felt too weak to hold her so she sat down hard on the chair. With a sinking heart, she pulled out an envelope sealed and addressed to her. In addition, there were photographs and a report from a company called Spalding Investigations. Finally, there was a document, several pages long and on the front were the words, 'Decree for Dissolution Of Marriage'. She screamed. She remembered hearing herself screaming "No! No! No!" over and over. She threw the envelope and all its contents across the kitchen floor, crying and screaming again and again. She put her head down on the kitchen table where she last saw her family and cried. Her broken heart was beating erratically and it was hard to breathe. She gasped for breath between sobs, crying and repeating over and over, "No, please God, no! Not this, please! Give me another chance, please!" She continued to cry and plead, throwing dishes and glasses or whatever else she could find to destroy just to vent her grief. She kept this up until exhaustion claimed her. She must have finally passed out because the next thing she remembered was the sun coming in the window over the sink and falling directly on her face. It had to be very early since the sun was low in the sky and the morning sun only came in that window for an hour or so. She pushed herself up from the chair she had slept in and shuffled through the debris to pick up the contents of the envelope where it had come to rest after she threw it. She pulled the pictures and the pages together and walked back to the table to sit down. It was all she could do to make herself move and she felt cold, so very cold. As she laid the materials in front of her the pictures were the first thing she saw. There was one of her sitting on Wes's lap, her skirt up around her waist as she rode him, her face thrown back and her eyes closed. There was one of him fucking her missionary style on the couch and another one with him on his knees, his face buried between her legs. As she looked at that one, her stomach finally revolted and she had to rush to the sink. She stood there until the spasms passed, rinsed her mouth and face with cool water, then went back to her chair. She pushed the remaining pictures aside, not wanting to see any more, then pulled out the report, opened the folder and scanned the first few pages. Just more boring stuff: times, dates, references to some of the pictures, fully documenting her infidelity. That's all. She laid it down, not caring to read any more. She looked at the thick, legal looking document and knew she should read the conditions of the divorce filing but didn't have the energy. Somehow, she knew they would be more than fair and that was more than she could take. Anyway, the tears were making it hard to read anything. She somehow thought there should be more to signal the end of fifteen years of marriage. This seemed so insignificant to represent all those years. That reminded her of the envelope. With a small kernel of hope still alive, she grabbed that and tore it open, finding a few pages inside in Rick's handwriting. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, took the first page and began reading. Judith, By now, you know that the boys and I are gone. I only took our clothes, some of their more important things and my stuff from the den. I have a small two bedroom apartment for the three of us for the time being. It should serve at least until we settle all of our affairs. Bad choice of words, please forgive me. Divide our assets I should have said. I've known about your affair with Wes Southern for some time. Want to know how I found out? Well, I'll tell you. I came to your office one evening after you called to say you had to work late. The boys thought you might enjoy a milkshake, so we stopped and I got an extra one for you. The boys stayed in the car while I walked up to your office. Pete, the guard let me in when I showed him the milkshake. As I got close, I heard you making those sounds I loved to hear when you were excited. I snuck up to the door and looked in to see you fucking Wes on the couch in your office. Thank God the boys had stayed behind in the car! I didn't really enjoy watching so I left, taking the milkshake with me. The boys and I went home and watched TV till you got there. That was the night I told you I had a bad headache. You probably don't remember. She did remember. It was ironic in that that was the very first time she and Wes had sex. She was so consumed with guilt, she wondered how she was going to face him, but as soon as she walked in the door, he told her how sick he was and she was so relieved that she didn't have to talk to him or face him. She remembered saying a small prayer of thanks. She continued reading. I hired a private investigator and that's his report you have now. He was a very nice man and was very apologetic when he gave me the final report. You see, we were both hoping this was only a one time thing, a mistake, a weakness. It wasn't as you well know. He only needed a few weeks to be sure. He somehow installed a camera in your office when I copied your office key, the one you keep on your key ring. He said it made it easy for him. I have to admit, you really got into it with good old Wes. You looked very sexy but I couldn't look at many of the pictures. It was just too hard. I'm sorry. When you told me of the trip, and you were so excited, I agreed, knowing I would use the time to move our stuff out without you knowing. At the time I didn't really know why you wanted so badly to go, but I made a couple of calls to your office and found out that Wes was going with you. That was one of your lies: you told me it was you and a couple of others but actually it was just you and Wes. I bet you had a really good time with him there. No worries about getting caught and you could really go to town with a real bed. But hell, you seemed to do just fine with a couch, and in one picture, your office chair. I don't know why you would chose to do this to us Judith. You cheated on me and the boys. Yes, the boys as well. You fouled the home we made for ourselves by your actions, your deceit. I could have forgiven a mistake, a failing. I would have forgiven that. We all have those, but this was not a failing. This was a planned betrayal of your promises to me and you did it deliberately. When I promised to love, honor and cherish, I meant it. Apparently you didn't. My lawyer will contact you tomorrow. I hope we can work out the visitation and the custody without fighting. You love the boys, I know, and should be the primary care giver, even though you are going to break their hearts. Maybe not now, but when they're older and they understand what you did. I intend to let you keep the house so the boys will not have to move to some strange place. After seeing the pictures, seeing what you did with him, my love for you died. You and I have nothing more to talk about so I won't be contacting you directly. I hope it was worth it to you Judith, and I'm sorry all we shared wasn't enough for you. Rick Now she knew why she had those little chills of fear, that grabbing and pinching in her gut, the shivers even though the day was warm. They were a premonition! It was her conscience trying to warn her, get her attention. Somehow it knew. She should have listened, but now it was too late. Rick was gone and he wasn't coming back. She had thrown it all away. And for what? She remembered the thoughts that came to her as she was getting ready for this last trip: 'There was no possible way things could be any better than they were. I was blessed; I had it all.' But she never once thought of the consequences of her actions. Consequences are a bitch!