72 comments/ 124517 views/ 21 favorites Consequences - Estelle By: thecelt This is the fourth in the series Consequences. This one is rather dark, but in fact makes headlines. Consequences can be hard to bear. Edited as always by Angel Love, with my thanks. Consequences – Estelle As I lay on the bed, the evening coming to a close, I reflected back on my recent life. My babies, Alicia and Beverley, were grown and on their own now. Both had graduated from college and had careers that they loved. Victor, their father would have been proud of them had he lived. I know I was. I am their mother, Estelle, and I made a promise to myself that I would see them safely on their way in life and I had kept my word. The rest of my life and most of the promises I made I was not so proud of. I had betrayed Victor Redson, my husband, not once but twice. The first time was bad but the second time was worse. That was my biggest failing. That was what ultimately led me to this point in my life, and the second promise I made to myself. ************ The girls had thrown me a party today for my forty-fifth birthday. I knew about it of course, but they thought I was unaware. I let them believe it and I had professed shock and surprise when I came home from the beauty parlor, the gift they had given me for my birthday. I wanted to look good for tonight but I also thought it would be nice to look good for them and my party. The party was a success. They had invited some of my oldest friends and a few of theirs, so all in all, it was a great afternoon and the girls were pleased that they had done something nice for me. After everyone had gone and the promises to stay in touch were made with the sincerest intentions, I was left alone with my two girls. They wanted to take me out for dinner but I pleaded fatigue and asked them to spare me from their youthful energy. They finally gave up and went out with their friends, so I found myself alone and ready. It had been a good day, full of friends and family and the girls were flushed with their success. During the party, I had made it a point to be clear to all that I was calm, in good spirits, and in full control of my actions. This was important, to allow me to keep my final promise. I lay down on the bed and prepared myself. I let my mind wander back to the beginning of this journey that I was on. The Betrayal Even if Victor didn't find out about my affair with Louis, I realized how much I really loved him and my life with him and my two twin girls, and the thought of losing them was strong enough to make up my mind. I had gone to the motel today to break it off with Louis but he had insisted on one last time and I had reluctantly agreed. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy sex with Louis, because truth be told, he was a great lover. When I was with him, it was nothing like being with Victor. Victor was a truly considerate lover. He took his time, made sure I was always wet and ready and then, once he penetrated me, he made sure that I was brought to the peak of orgasm time and time again, prolonging the pleasure for me as long as possible. When I was screaming for release, he would plunge in and out, bringing us both to a peak together. It was phenomenal and made our lovemaking spectacular. We were not adventurous in our lovemaking but he had always fulfilled me and I was content. Why then, Louis? For the opposite reasons I loved being with Victor. With Louis, I was more like a piece of meat there for his pleasure. While Victor and I never practiced oral lovemaking, Louis insisted on it. I rarely gave Victor a blowjob. With Louis, it was always and we used it to bring him back to a state of readiness over and over. With Victor, we made love for thirty to forty minutes and then we lay in each other's arms and fell asleep. With Louis, it was hot, short and hard. Over and over, if we had the time. The contrast was what was important to me and the reason it was so hard to stop. The affair with Louis began more than four months ago and started as a chance meeting at the supermarket where he was the manager. He had apparently noticed me as one of the regulars and finally spoke to me one day. I liked him from the start and we began to look forward to those days when I came in for my supplies. We flirted and made suggestive comments but never more than that. Until one day, I lost my car keys and I was panicked. I mentioned it to Louis who immediately volunteered to drive me home to get my spare set. Without thinking, I accepted. At home, Louis followed me in and I paid no attention as I found the new key set. But when I turned around, I ran into Louis who immediately put his arms around me and mashed his lips to mine. I was taken by surprise but also felt a warm tingling between my legs as his tongue sought the inside of my mouth. I opened to allow him entry and things progressed from there. Within minutes, I was on the couch with my panties down around my ankles and Louis's tongue between my legs, driving me crazy with lust. I tried to drive myself up into his face but he moved up my body and I felt his cock push against my labia and before I could react, he pushed inside me. I was so wet, he met little resistance and he fucked me there on my own couch in my own home. And I loved it. Within minutes, Louis had shot his load inside me but I wasn't done. I had to cum and I pulled his face back down between my legs and demanded he finish the job. He did, bringing me to a climax with his tongue. It was wonderful. I had never felt anything like it before and from that point on, I knew I would do this again and again. It was unlike anything Victor and I did and like nothing I had ever imagined. While Victor made love to me, I knew that Louis fucked me. And the difference was huge. From that day on, I made arrangements to see Louis at least once or twice a month, either here at home or somewhere else, when we had the time to make use of a motel. I enjoyed it but never confused it with what I shared with Victor. One of the ways I justified it was to separate it from my life with Victor. This wasn't love. I actually didn't even like Louis much after getting to know him. But we shared hot, wild sex and Victor and I made love. In my own mind, I kept the two separate. The affair had been going now for more than four months and I was beginning to feel guilt and shame after being with him. Since we shared nothing but sex, there was no gentleness, no affection and no time to get to know each other as people. What little I did know was enough to convince me that this had to end. After the novelty wore off, it was just dirty and wrong and it left me feeling like a cheap slut, cheating on her husband. After all, that's what it was. That led to today's activities and the shame was even worse now that I had just had sex again after understanding how wrong it was. I ended it but I fell into the lust even then. I would try to keep my word about ending it, but I wasn't sure whether I could do it. I still remembered the pleasure Louis gave me, despite the guilt. But, at least I had begun the process of ending it once and for all. I fixed dinner that night with a better feeling about things than I had for some time. Maybe I could put it all behind me. But, tonight when Victor came home, he indicated that we had something serious to discuss. Since he was a lawyer, I assumed it was something about our trust funds or our wills. He was always making changes as our situations in life changed. I thought no more about it and was just cleaning up a little when the girls went up to bed for the night. He waited a short while and then asked me to come into his home office. I finished what I was doing, wiped my hands and walked into his room. I always thought of it that way since it was all wood paneling, with huge bookcases, filled with legal journals and written opinions of judges that Victor respected. It smelled of Old Spice, his favorite, and occasionally of cigar smoke. We had agreed that he wouldn't smoke in the house, but sometimes when we were all gone, he would sneak one. I knew but never said anything. He was sitting at his desk and gestured to the chair off to the side for me to sit. I did and waited. "I want you to listen to something and then talk to me about it. OK?" I nodded and sat back, my legs crossed and my hands on the armrests of the chair. I prepared to listen to one of his lectures or speeches. He obviously wanted my opinion. He did this rather often. He waited until I signaled that I was ready and then he started the player. "Please, Lou, give it to me! I have to cum! Please, harder! Harder! Oh, God! That's it, that's it, don't stop!" I jumped up with my hands over my mouth and my heart pounding so loudly he had to hear it. "Turn that off! Turn it off! Please!" I began to sob, deep tearing sobs that threatened to leave me breathless. I couldn't stop. He knew! He had discovered my affair with Louis. He knew! I couldn't stop sobbing and I was having trouble breathing again. I was gasping for breath now and my legs were too weak to hold me. I collapsed to the floor and sat there, my legs under me and going numb. I had to use my hands to keep me upright. Still I gasped for breath. "Can you tell me what that is? Could it be you and that prick from the supermarket? I believe Louis is his name, isn't it? Louis? This was from the Airport motel, room 13, and was from a week ago. I believe you were at a different motel today though, weren't you? I'm sorry I don't have that tape here tonight. But this one is just fine." "How did you know? I just ended it today, and that's what I was doing at the motel. Ending it! I know it was wrong and I stopped it. I ended it, so you have to know that I understand I was wrong. Oh, please, Victor, please forgive me. I'm so sorry it ever happened and I'm sorry I did it." "Now you're sorry? After months of being with him, you expect me to believe that it's over? After you betray me again and again, you just want me to forget it and go on as if nothing happened? How am I supposed to do that?" "No, no, not forget. I know you can't forget it but you can forgive me. I was wrong and I know that. It will never happen again. I want to be with you and my babies. That's all I want. That's what I finally realized. You are the only things important to me." I could go on and on which is what we did that evening. I, apologizing and begging for forgiveness, and Victor trying to understand why I let him down. I couldn't explain but could only try to tell him of the excitement at first and then the gradually increasing guilt until I finally couldn't continue. I know I hurt him terribly and watching his pain was the worst thing I could ever imagine. But I pleaded with him and tried to make him understand that I knew what I had done and the hurt I had caused. Because of the effect on the family and the girls of a divorce, Victor finally agreed to give me another chance and I accepted his conditions. His loss of trust in me, the restrictions on my behavior, the threat of a divorce if it happened again and more. All I cared about was that he gave me another chance. I promised him that I would live up to his trust in me. Over the next three weeks, the house was tense and the girls noticed but said little. We were together as before but there was no fun or delight in things anymore. Victor was quiet and withdrawn but I continued to try to bring back the love and affection we shared. Slowly, the girls were getting back to normal and my relationship with them had begun to approach what it used to be. But with Victor, the relationship was cool and distant. I tried and tried but with little effect. Our love life had stopped completely and I hoped that time would allow him to forget enough to come back to me. I dressed for him, I tried to cuddle close to him but he would always pull away or get up and move to the spare room if I was too aggressive. Still, I continued to try. There was one time the next week when I had put on one of my old sleep shirts, wearing nothing underneath and gone to bed without a thought of seducing my husband that something happened. Victor had gone to bed before me and when I slipped under the covers as I had for the last month hoping that he would want me, he reached for me without speaking. I gratefully went into his arms and buried my face against his chest, but he was having none of that. He pushed me onto my back, pulled the sleep shirt up over my hips and pushed himself into me without warning. I was dry so it hurt, but I didn't say anything. This is what I had been waiting for and I was going to give him no reason to stop. But instead of his gentle thrusting into me, he pounded me hard and fast for just a few minutes when I felt him tense and then spend himself inside me. When his climax stopped, he pulled out, got up and went into the bathroom. He was back in a few minutes and just rolled over and went to sleep. I lay there thinking that he had treated me just like Louis, like a cheap whore. But unlike the thrill I felt when it was Louis, this time I felt only humiliation. There was no love from my husband, only contempt. He used me because he could. I tried to stop the tears from coming but I couldn't. I could only cry silently, so as not to let Victor know my pain. But, perhaps that was his purpose. I would accept it and hope. It had now been two months since Victor and I had agreed to give our marriage and our life together another try. He said he had forgiven me and tried to understand the reasons for my transgression. While I didn't truly understand myself, I continued to try as hard as I knew to make up for what I had done. I began to pay more attention to my girls and their life and I was as loving and attentive to Victor as I could be. I refused him nothing. If he wanted to go out or to dinner or just stay home and be with me, I was ready to do as he wished. I kept the house immaculate, his clothes washed and pressed and neatly stored away and meals were always on time and well prepared. I was the perfect housewife. The only problem was that Victor continued to be very quiet and depressed. Even though I treated him with love and kindness, he became quieter and quieter. He had begun to want sex with me more and he resumed pleasuring me at his own expense, but something was missing. I didn't know exactly what it was, but it was there. When I asked him about it, he denied that anything was wrong. I knew better but continued in the only way I knew to be the perfect wife, to love and honor him. Almost six months after we began again, Louis called. I had not spoken to him for almost the entire time and had begun to shop at another outlet, but he had left several messages on my cell phone and he had tried on several occasions to get me to meet him somewhere. I refused and told him that we were over and to leave me alone. But he continued from time to time to try to talk to me. I was still trying to save my life with Victor and bring him back to the loving husband and father he was before I caused him so much pain. I had begun shopping at another store fifteen minutes away just to avoid seeing Louis. So far, it had been successful and I had not let down my guard. I was parked in the back of the lot, away from the store front so as not to be seen by anyone inside. I had just come from the store and my bags were safely stored in the van when I felt a touch on my shoulder. I turned to see Louis standing there, grinning like a schoolboy. I tried to back away and get into the car when he grabbed me and spun me around. "Hey, what's your hurry? I've just been trying to talk to you for months but you won't return my calls. I know it's over, but why can't we be friends? Just friends." "Louis, please. Just leave me alone! You know why I won't be friends with you. You almost caused me to lose my marriage and my kids. I don't want that to happen. Go away!" "I remember two of us, not just me. You were into me just as much as I wanted you. You enjoyed it and you never wanted to stop. You were just afraid of getting caught. That's the truth and you know it." He was right but it made no difference. I couldn't do this again and he would only cause me grief. I wanted to get away because I still felt the old pull when he was this close. I put my hand on his chest to push him away but he caught me around the wrist and pulled me closer. I felt his cock, hard and throbbing as I remembered it. I gasped and he just laughed. "We could just climb in the back of your van for one last hurrah. Just a quickie for old times sake. There's no one around and no one would know. Just one for the road. I promise I'll never try to contact you again. Just once more and we're done." "That's crazy. It's broad daylight and this is a public place. There's no way! Now, please, leave me alone!" He put his hands on my waist and lifted me up and shoved me back onto the floor of the van before I even knew what was happening. He jumped up beside me and reached up to release the lock on the back of the rear seat and pushed it forward, causing the whole thing to fold into the floor, leaving a wide flat space. He slid backward and reached under my arms to pull me further into the van. He pulled the back hatch down, enclosing us inside. During all of this, I watched as if I was standing outside my body looking on as an observer. I didn't try to stop him at any point. "Now, we're alone. The windows are tinted so no one can see inside. It's just you and I. You always said I was so fast that you hardly knew anything happened so let's just see how quick I can make this. Just this one last time and I'll leave you alone." He didn't bother to wait for my response, but instead pulled me over on top of him, his busy fingers already working on my bra clasp as he held my head down in a passionate kiss. It took my breath just as it always had and before I knew what was happening, I felt him slide his hand down inside my jeans and cup my butt. He pulled me tight against him and I felt the familiar tingling between my legs. I gave in and returned the kiss, moving my hand down and over his bulging erection. He groaned and pushed me to my side. We both began to strip our jeans down and within seconds, we were naked below the waist. I only had time to think about what I was doing when he rolled over on top of me and, with his hand, guided his cock into my waiting wetness. He pushed into me in one swift plunge and my breath whooshed out. He was fully inside me now and he pulled almost completely out before plunging back in with a force that had me struggling to breathe. There, in the back of my 2004 Toyota minivan in the parking lot of the local IGA supermarket, Louis fucked my brains out for the next twenty minutes. No words of love, no attempt to arouse pleasure, no hesitation or doubt, he used me and I let him. He pounded into me and, even as I cried in disgust, I loved it with every fiber of my being. All I could do was wrap my legs around him and urge him to do me harder and harder. As I felt the beginnings of something, he gave out a loud moan and tensed. I felt his sperm splash inside me and the heat of it was enough to cause me to orgasm as well. We clung to each other as our lust subsided. "God, that was great. I don't know how I can stay away from you 'Stella. You are the best, babe! The absolute best. You know you're not going to be able to stay away from me either. Don't you?" "No! This is it! You promised! You said you would leave me alone after this. I'm fighting to keep my marriage together and I won't lose it again. My babies, my husband, that's what's important. This is just sex. Good sex, yes, but in the end, it's just sex. I don't love you or even like you very much." "We'll see. We'll see. But, I'll keep my promise. I won't call you unless you call me first. But you will. I give you what he can't!" Consequences - Estelle Louis crawled to the front seat, looked out the window and turned to wave goodbye. "Take care babe. The coast is clear so you can take your time. I'll wait to hear from you." With that, he opened the driver's side door and slipped out. After a few minutes, I dressed, cleaned myself up as best I could and crawled to the front. I started the van and drove home, my heart still pounding and my stomach doing its best to force the contents into the light of day. I cursed myself and my weakness all the way home. I put the groceries away and made dinner for Victor and the twins. The girls would be home from school by 3:30 and Victor would be early tonight. He had called to say he was leaving at 4:30 so he would be home by 5:00. That was not typical for a weekday. The girls were in their last year of high school and usually had things going on but not today. Victor didn't have court this Wednesday so it was a short day. And my day had been anything but typical. Alicia and Beverly came home as usual with a flurry of words dealing with everything from classes to boys to plans to clothes. They went up to their room to do whatever they did until dinnertime. I watched them go with a fondness that was one of the things that kept me going now. I felt a little thrill of sadness, but it passed quickly. I still had them and they weren't clouded by the guilt I felt or the coldness that Victor sometimes displayed toward me. They were truly innocents. Victor came home right at five and went past me into the office he kept here at home. He spent some time in there while I set the table and wondered. He often did this when he was working on a case that had him bothered. But he hadn't mentioned one lately and I forced myself to continue with dinner preparations. We had dinner as a family, with questions and answers and plans and such passing around the table along with the food. We always had dinner together, no excuses, when Victor could get home on time. That was most of the time now that he was a senior partner. It was one of the rules he insisted on and one that we all honored without problem. It was one of the highlights of my day now. By nine that evening, the girls had gone to their room to finish up phone calls and such before settling down with their music or TV, leaving Victor and me alone. Since my affair had come to light, it had become a quiet time for me since Victor talked to me less and less. I tried but he responded less and less. I still tried. "How was your day today? Are you working on a new case or is that one about the extortion still active. You haven't mentioned it lately." Victor put the paper he was reading down and just looked at me. I was about to repeat what I said when he answered. "No, it's still active. It goes to trial next week. It should be a short one. It's about a guy who couldn't resist temptation. He saw what he wanted and he took it, not caring who he hurt. He was just too weak I guess. Should be easy to win." The way he said that, looking at me all the while made me shudder inside. He seemed so distant and so cold. Immediately the guilt rose to the surface but I quickly suppressed it, knowing that there was no way he could have known what happened today. I just returned his look, feigning innocence. I should be good at it by now. But, inside I was churning and my stomach was knotted with guilt and anxiety. Betrayal wasn't easy to live with. Victor returned to his paper and we said no more to each other for the remainder of that evening. Just before bed, Victor did go into his office but he closed the door so I went to bed later, alone. That night, my dreams were not pleasant and betrayal made sleep difficult to find. I waited for Victor but he never came. I was still alone when I woke up the next morning. His side of the bed was still made so he hadn't come to bed at all last night. That was strange, so I rose, dressed and checked the bathroom, confirming that he hadn't used it since yesterday. I checked on the girls to be sure they were getting ready for school and went downstairs. I glanced at the door to his office and it was still closed. Knowing how he felt about it, I didn't knock or try to open it. Victor preferred we all stay out of there. I fixed breakfast, which was hot cereal for the girls and coffee for me. Victor usually skipped everything and went straight to work, getting what he wanted at the cafeteria in his building. I waited while the girls finished and then followed them to the door and waited till the bus picked them up. They wanted cars, or at least one for them to share, but Victor said not until they had graduated. He stayed firm regardless of how they worked their wiles on him. I knew he wanted to give them each a new car for graduation and had made arrangements with the local dealer. Now that I was alone, I sat in the kitchen, drinking my coffee and staring at the door to his office. He had to be in there. His car was still in the garage and his jacket was still by the door. I didn't see his briefcase, but he probably had that in there with him. I sat, building my courage. If he didn't appear in the next ten minutes, I was going in. Twenty minutes later, I stood and walked through the room to his office door. I stood there, considering. If he was in there and working, he would be furious with me but still, I needed to know. If he wasn't in there, I would just close the door and walk away. But either way, I had to know. I held my breath and twisted the knob. The door opened, so it wasn't locked. I pushed it part way and peeked in. I saw the back of Victor's head as he sat in his big leather chair, facing the fireplace. He had just fallen asleep! That's all it was. I opened the door wide and walked in, saying his name. "Victor? Victor, wake up! It's past 8:00 and you fell asleep here in your office. Come on, now, wake up." I moved around the chair and faced him, expecting him to wake and be slightly angry at first, but then grateful when he saw the time. But neither happened. He continued to sit there with his eyes closed. I bent to put my hand on his shoulder to shake him but suddenly noticed that he seemed to be more than asleep! I felt his face and found it to be cold. I recoiled in shock and staggered backward, almost falling over the footstool. I caught myself and stood there, staring at him, the panic bubbling up inside me. I finally got up enough nerve to go to him and put my finger under his chin directly on the artery. I got no pulse! I tried again and again, but still nothing. I shook him and called his name over and over but he just sat there moving only when I pushed or pulled him. He was dead! I must have collapsed because I can remember nothing until I came to, laying on the floor of his office. It came back to me in a flood and I leaped up to see him still sitting there, not moving and not breathing. How long had I been there? Was it too late? I was about to call 911 when I saw the bottle on his desk. I went to it and picked it up. It was a bottle of the prescription sleeping pills he got when we were having so much trouble. He used them for a week or so then stopped, saying they were too strong. The bottle was now empty. I looked at the envelope that was laying there under the bottle and it had my name written in Victor's bold script. An envelope addressed to me? I picked it up, looked inside to find a single sheet of paper. I pulled it out and read it. It was very short and simple. Estelle, I wondered whether I could live without you, but hoped I would never have to make that decision. When you first betrayed me, I considered divorce, but I loved you so much I had no choice but to give you another chance. Today, in the van with that man, you made the decision for me. You can't be faithful and I can't live without you. I can't divorce you and I won't share you, so I'm left with no choice. I have made arrangements for the girls' trust fund and for their college tuition and cars for each of them on graduation. Please don't let them know why I did this. Just let them think I had too many problems. You will be taken care of in my will. I hope you can find what you are looking for. I'm sorry I was not able to give you what you needed. Victor I let the letter flutter to the floor. He knew! He knew what I had done that day in the van with Louis. He knew of my betrayal and that was the last thing on his mind when he decided to kill himself. My betrayal was the last thought in his mind. I knelt in front of him and took his cold hands in mine. I placed them on his knees and I covered them with mine, trying to give them some of my warmth. I put my head on his lap and cried for the love of my life that I had driven away; forever. I cried for myself, for my daughters who lost a father who loved them, for their innocence that died along with him, and for the life that I had hoped to spend with him. I stayed there that way until almost time for the girls to come home. Then, I began to think again. They couldn't see him this way! I had to destroy the letter before calling 911. I couldn't let the police see that letter! I would simply tell them that there was no letter. I had to protect the girls! And myself. I rose, took care of what I had to do and then called 911. I told the operator to send the police but not to worry about a medical team. I told her he had been dead most of the day and night. The next few days were terrible. The death of their father hit the girls very hard. It should have been the best time of their life, and then this. I stayed with them and did all I could to help them through it and they leaned on my help and the help of their friends. They could never forget but they finally began to accept. That was the advantage of youth. Victor was buried in a plot in the cemetery where his mother and father were buried. I was raised in the system as an orphan so I had no parents. He had purchased the plots for us right after his parents died and planned that we both be buried side by side. He was laid to rest on a dark, rainy day in May. I and my daughters and a few of Victor's friends from the firm were there and the service was simple and quick. I accepted the well wishes of people and pretended to be coping as expected. The girls were better at it and I let them deal with things. Finally it was over. At home, there were the inevitable casseroles and dishes from neighbors and friends, food enough to feed an army. I put it away as best I could until I ran out of room. The rest of it I threw away. But, finally, the last guest had left and the last casserole had been put in the fridge and we were alone. The girls wanted to know if it would be OK for them to stay overnight with one of their friends. They wanted to get out of the house and try to get back on track. I agreed and let them go, assuring them I would be fine. After the girls left, I checked the windows and doors and took myself up to bed. It was the first night I had spent alone since I found Victor. I took a shower, dried off and put on an old terry robe that Victor had given me for one of our anniversaries. I wore it over and over until it was ragged and frayed, but I still loved it. In the silence, I sat down at the dressing table to brush my hair and looked at myself in the mirror. I hated what I saw and I began to swear. I screamed at my reflection and swore at the person I saw there. The one that had destroyed everything. I hated her. I hated everything about her. I continued until I ran out of words, then I cried uncontrollably for what seemed to be forever. It was the first time I had cried since I found him. Once I had calmed down, I gathered what control I had left and I looked deep in my eyes and made two promises to myself and to God. I swore on all that was holy that I would carry out those promises without excuse. I immediately felt a wave of calm sweep over me and for the first time in a long time that night I slept without dreams or nightmares. I slept through the night and woke the next morning with a new purpose. True to his word, Victor had made all the arrangements for the girls and for me in his will. He had asked one of his law partners to execute the estate so everything was taken care of and all we had to do was survive without him. But we did. As time passed, the girls graduated high school, got their cars and made plans to go off to college in the fall. We spent many hours planning, writing applications, waiting for replies and then finalizing plans. We drove to the college and saw the rooms and then went shopping for what they would need. Victor was never far from their thoughts and each time they made a decision, they asked him what he thought. He never answered, but it seemed as though he was a part of it all. For myself, I dedicated my life to helping the girls reach their goals and making a good home for them. I was there for them when they needed me and I let them know that all they had to do was ask. I had a few women friends that I spent time with but mostly, I tended the home. I had no men friends and I wanted none. I never saw Louis again. The girls went to college, did well, graduated in four years and then went on to follow their dreams. Alicia was a teacher and got a job teaching grade school in a nice school system close to home. Beverly went into fashion design and got a job with a designer she liked and was beginning to learn. They were both happy. I saw them often for a while until they began to immerse themselves in their new lives. That was as it should be. I followed them all the way. It was one day in early fall when they had come home for the wedding of one of their friends that I had a chance to speak with them. I sat them down in the kitchen where we could sit together and asked them the question I needed answered. "Girls, I want to ask each of you a question and I want your honest answer. The question is simple: Are you happy and is there anything that you want from me that I haven't given you?" They looked at each other and Alicia spoke first. "Since Dad died, you have done more than anyone could expect. You made everything better and made sense when the world seemed crazy. When Dad died, you were there for us and we never saw you cry once. We knew you did, but you never let us see it. And yes, I am happy. Happier than I ever expected to be. Thank you mom." Beverly spoke next. "I agree with everything Alee said. You have been great and I am happy. As happy as I could be. Thank you mom." I listened with gratefulness as they spoke. I needed to hear them say these things and to let me know without doubt that I had fulfilled the first of those two promises I made so long ago. I had promised myself that they would never feel the pain that I had caused their father and that they would be happy and fulfilled as he wished. With their words, I knew that I had honored his wish and my promise. "Thank you girls. Your answers mean more to me than you can ever know. And I thank you for being the wonderful women you have become. Your father is proud of you." We hugged and cried together but in the end, they went off to the wedding and finally returned to their own new lives where they belonged. That was fine with me as I had several things I needed to do and the time to do them was now. I set up a schedule in my own mind and made my plans. It was almost five months since I had my talk with the girls when I got wind from one of my few friends that there was a surprise birthday party in the works for my forty- fifth birthday in two weeks. She let it slip that the girls had everything almost ready. It was to be a surprise at my home and they were going to set it up by giving me a birthday gift of a visit to my beauty salon. While I was there, they would get everything ready at the house. It was an all day thing of course that I intended to use. The timing was perfect and I was delighted. By the day of my party, I had everything done that I had intended. I was content now and wanted only to spend the coming time with my friends and my girls. I was actually looking forward to being 'surprised'. So, off to the parlor I went, pretending to be totally unsuspecting. As promised, it took more than four hours, time which I fully enjoyed. I looked very nice if I do say so. I drove home and readied myself for my surprise. I walked up to my door, used my key and entered to the loud chorus of "Surprise!" I gave it my all and it must have satisfied my daughters since they seemed delighted. I hugged both of them, told them how grateful I was and the party began. It went for several hours and I used the time to say hello to several friends I hadn't seen for a while. I was glad for the opportunity. As for all good things, the party was over and things quieted down. The girls left for an evening with their friends and I walked them out, saying again how much I had enjoyed this party. I hugged and kissed both of them, in thanks. They left happy. I watched them leave and went back inside and shut the door. I left it unlocked for them when they came home. I put the house in order, went upstairs to my bedroom and made my preparations. I took the letter I had addressed to the girls detailing exactly what I had done and why Victor took his own life and set it on the dresser in clear view. I had to tell them. They had to know. Maybe they would hate me, but it was important that I tell them everything I had done to them and to Victor. I placed a copy of my will beside the letter in a plain brown envelope where they would see it. It left everything to the two of them. I placed the copy of my last wishes next to the other two, asking them to bury me next to their father as he originally planned. I hoped they would honor that request but I also left it up to them if they chose not to. I forgave them in any event. Finally, I showered, being careful of my hair and face and dressed in my nicest pajamas and robe. It was a set that Victor gave to me at Christmas, our last year together. I had never worn them, saving them until my others wore out. Now, I wanted him to see me in them, as he never did when he was alive. With my new hairdo, my fresh new face and sleepwear, and a dash of the perfume Victor loved, I was ready. I turned out all the lights except the one next to the bed. I went back into the bathroom and took down the bottle of pills that I had been carefully hoarding. They were sedatives and I had filled the prescription twice without taking any of them. I saved them for this occasion. There were more than enough according to what I had found on the internet. I shook them out into my hand and proceeded to take them a few at a time with sips of water. It took me a few minutes, but I got them all down. I turned out the light and walked back to the bed. I lay on top of the spread and composed myself. I had a few minutes before the pills would take effect. I had fulfilled the first promise I made to myself which was the same one Victor and I made the day the girls were born. That they would be happy. They had their lives and they were safely on their way. While I knew this would be hard on them, they were now fully grown and once they understood the reasons for both their father and I, they would understand better. But, the pain I had lived with for the past seven years was too much for me to continue. I was now ready to fulfill the second promise I made that day. I promised myself that once I made sure that the girls were happy and had all I could give them, I would go to Victor and ask him to forgive me. I had done all I could to honor him and his promise to the girls since he left me. Now, I just wanted him to forgive me. But to do that, I had to find him. The only way I knew how was to travel the same path he took. Consequences - Estelle I felt light and free now, the pills beginning to take effect. I smiled, knowing that soon I would see the man I had loved all my life. If he forgave me, we would be happy forever as we intended before I threw it all away. If he didn't, being without him was a just punishment for me and one I would accept. Maybe it was imagination or wishful thinking, but as the light faded, I think I saw him waiting for me with a smile on his face. Consequences are a bitch!