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Consequences - Ellen

By: thecelt



This is the third in this series. 

For those of you who wanted to see a conclusion to Consequences – Erin, one is in the works. 

Thanks to Angel Love for her editing and her suggestions. Any mistakes that you find are mine since I can't leave anything alone. 

*

My name is Spencer Christian and I am a 48-year-old construction engineer. I'm the guy that sets up and controls the construction of large projects. My area was the north-central region which includes Ohio, Michigan, Illinois and Indiana and one of those projects was the new 40 story tower that stands on the shores of Lake Erie. I brought it in on time and under budget. I was just about to enter the inner sanctum of our board of directors in our headquarters in downtown Cleveland for a meeting with my boss and some of the board members. I assumed I was in line for a nice fat bonus. 

My wife Ellen and I live in one of the suburbs of Cleveland and we have been married for 23 years. During that time we raised two wonderful kids, Mary and Martin. Both were now in college, Mary leaving this past September, and we were alone for the first time in 21 years. Ellen was a stay at home mom and she had done a great job of raising our kids and making a wonderful home for us all. I loved her beyond thought and always had. But things were not really good between us just now. Ellen had become bitchy and biting over the past year and it was made worse by the fact that I had several other projects and the time they were demanding from me was excessive. I knew this but I also knew that there was the possibility of something special if I could just hold on for a year or two more. If it came through, Ellen and I would be fine. This was on my mind as I entered the board room for my bonus.

John Wilson, the President of our company, was already there waiting and introduced me to two of the other board members, neither one of which I remember just now. I assumed that he had been in a meeting and invited the two members to meet me and look on as I received the praise for a job well done and the presentation of a nice fat check. I was a little surprised to not find Hugh Preston, my boss present, but I took the seat offered and waited for the congratulations and the expected bonus. Instead I got a shock.

"Spencer, my boy. Congratulations on a job well done. You pulled it off when everyone expected you to come in late and over, but you did just the opposite. Great job. As a reward for all of your good work, we want to make you an offer. We want you to take over the operations in Atlanta. You know Mark Todd is retiring in three months? He has several new projects just coming on stream and he doesn't want to stay as long as it would take to complete them. He wants to leave now and we want you to replace him as Managing Director of Operations for the South. It's a major promotion and will mean a lot more money and perks for you and Ellen as well as putting you directly under me and no one else. What do you say?"

I was speechless. What an offer! This would be a major move for me and would put me in charge of the biggest single operation in this company. It was just a move away from the top job. Hell, it was a precursor to John Wilson's job. How could I refuse? I finally regained my composure and told John and the others there that I would accept the position and would do the job for them and all of the stuff you normally say when something big like this happens. I was still a little unfocused but I did remember to tell John that I wanted to clear it with Ellen before he said anything. He agreed with a big laugh and said he would give me a month to attend to details before he would announce it. We spent some more time together but I was finally able to leave. I told my secretary I was taking the rest of the day off and I drove home to tell Ellen the news.

As I pulled into my driveway, I was thinking of how to spring it on Ellen. I knew she would love the idea of Atlanta since she wasn't all that fond of the Cleveland winters. She often talked of moving to somewhere warm when I retired. I walked into the house and found her in the kitchen as usual. Ellen was a great cook and loved to try new things. I smelled something wonderful.

"Well, aren't you home early? Did you talk to Mr. Wilson about your bonus? How much was it? How much did they screw you out of this time after saving them a bunch of money. Did they give you a nice little check to keep you satisfied? Make it sound like a big deal?"

I should have expected that. Bitchy as usual! When I left that morning, we had just finished a big fight over money. Not that we had money problems but Ellen felt that I was never paid enough for the amount of time and effort I gave them. She was probably right but I was happy doing what I was doing and I made a good living. I hoped for better of course and now I had it. But for some reason, her tantrum just made me mad and I decided that I wasn't going to tell her about the promotion just yet. Let her dig herself into a hole and watch her try to climb out when I tell her the good news. But not yet!

"He didn't mention a bonus. I just met John and a couple of the board members. They congratulated me but we didn't talk bonus. Maybe they'll get to it later."

Well, Ellen blew up at me and twenty minutes later I had enough. I still kept my mouth shut about the promotion but I did let my anger have its outlet. I interrupted one of Ellen's harangues long enough to hit back.

"Things aren't as bad as you seem to think. I know he has some other options open for me. I do a hell of a job for them and they know it. I could probably ask for something else, maybe a move to a new part of the country. We have some choices now and I think we should talk about some of them"

"What choices? You're just trying to avoid the truth. They take advantage of you and you just let them. You have no guts. You make me sick the way you let them push you around."

She was really angry and now she was giving vent to some of her frustrations. Her next comments were a total surprise.

"I think you and I need a separation. We need some time away from each other or I'm afraid we're not going to survive as a couple. Our marriage is in trouble and I can't seem to find any way to make things better. You don't seem to care that we're going nowhere and I want better. Things have to change." 

If she expected a fight from me over this proposal, it wasn't going to happen. I was so angry with her right then and I realized that this was becoming almost normal for us. I just stopped talking and began to consider it. Fine, I would give her what she wanted and let her see what it would be like. I needed the time anyway to get things ready for the transfer to Atlanta. Let her stew in her own juices for a while. I would enjoy the time apart from the vindictive, mean shrew she had become.

"I think that might be a good idea. Right now we do nothing but fight and there's no reason for most of it. Nothing I do makes you happy and all you do any more is bitch at me, so OK, let's do it."

"OK, smart guy. What would we have to do to have a real separation? Would we go to court or would we just separate on our own for a certain amount of time?"

"We could just separate. I'll live at the club and you stay here. The company membership will pay for most of it. We need to set some ground rules to play by but otherwise, we would just live apart for a month or so. I don't think we need to go to court unless you want to consider a divorce. Do you? Is that what this is leading up to?"

"Spencer! Of course not. I would never want a divorce. I still love you and I want to be your wife but right now, that's hard to do. I don't think it's all my fault but I don't know what to do to fix it. Maybe some time apart will give both of us some time to think about things." 

"OK. I'll call the club right now and see when I can get a room. Once I have the room, I'll move out and we can set a time limit of one month. After that, we'll talk and decide what to do next. How does that sound?"

"That sounds about right. It will take a month just to learn to be alone again. That might be hard for me since I have never had to be alone since we got married. It's always been the kids or you and I. Rarely alone. For either of us. I can't even think of what it would be like." 

"Well, you'll have the time to learn. But with your church duties, your club chairmanship and your exercise classes at the Y, I don't think you're ever going to be alone. But, I won't be there and apparently that's what you want."

"I don't want to be without you. Never. Please believe that. I do love you and I would never want to lose you but right now things are bad between us. We have to do this to try to find a way to get back to where we were. I believe that."

"You believe whatever you want but it's clear to me that you have a problem being with me. I don't think you want to be alone. You just want me gone. But it's your decision and I won't fight you."

"As usual, you're putting words in my mouth and trying to start an argument. That's all we do anyway: argue! I think you want this as much as I do."

I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. This didn't seem right to me even though I agreed to it. It sounded good at the time because I was angry and I wanted her gone from my sight. But as this was becoming a reality, I had a bad feeling that it may never be otherwise. But since I had agreed, I called the club and asked about a room. They had one coming available three days from now and I booked it for a month, beginning then. They reserved it on my credit card so I was set. I went back into the kitchen to tell Ellen. She was actually becoming excited about the whole thing which didn't make me feel any better despite her protestations of love.

I told her that I would begin packing that evening so that I could get my stuff in some sort of order. I was used to having my clothes dry cleaned since Ellen hated doing laundry, and anyway, I liked the way the cleaners left my pants and shirts. Better than Ellen could do. The laundry I could do at the club either myself or with one of the valets. Either way, I was set for clothes.

Things were rather quiet for the next two days as I packed and Ellen made plans of her own for meetings and other things on her busy schedule. She seemed happier already, knowing that I would be gone soon. I moved into the spare bedroom that first night and we avoided each other as much as possible, each with our own thoughts. I let my final preparations go until the evening before I was to move into the room at the club. I told Ellen that we had to discuss the ground rules of our separation. She agreed and we adjourned to the kitchen, our favorite meeting place with our coffee and some brownies I had picked up at the bakery in town. I started with my thoughts.

"Let me make a couple of suggestions and then we can discuss them. Nothing is set yet so these are just suggestions. OK?" 

Ellen just nodded.

"First, the house should be neutral territory. By that I mean if I need something from the house, I call and you make time available for me to pick up whatever I need. I'll call first, but you have to make the time. OK?"

Again, a nod.

"Second, since we are just separating and not divorced, we are still married. That means I'll have no women in my room and you'll have no men over to the house. That is not negotiable. Unless we can agree on that, there is no separation and we go back to considering divorce or legal separation. Can you agree to that?"

"Yes, I agree with that. I hadn't even thought of that but you're right. That way there's no confusion and no temptations. I agree."

"Next, if one of us, either you or I, decides that he or she wants to see another person during this time, we can do so only after telling the other. That means dinner or lunch or coffee alone with someone of the opposite sex. No confusion and no disagreements. OK?"

"That's OK with me. I have no intention of seeing anyone so I can agree with that. Did you plan on dating? Since you brought it up, I just wondered."

"No, I have no such intentions. We have been married 23 years and it's never once entered my head but now I'm not sure about you."

She began to say something but I held my hand up to forestall any denial on her part. I was convinced she had no idea of what she was capable of just now.

"I think we should add one further condition since this is a true separation even if it's not a legal one. If one of us decides that we would like to do more than just see another person, we do so with the same stipulation: we tell the other. That is something that needs to be done and done very carefully. If not, the consequences may be worse than the separation. As I said, we are still married. Again, I have no intention of doing that but I don't want to have to come back and talk about it after something happens and it becomes too late. Let's get it out in the open now. OK?"

"The same thing goes. Since I have no intention of doing anything like that, I agree. So are there any other conditions we have to agree to? This sounds like a major split rather than a cooling off period." 

"No, I think that about covers it. Like I said, we need this time apart but we are still married and we need to remember that. Living alone with no spousal obligations may make things look a lot different to you. It would be very easy to forget that you're married." 

"Well, not to me but maybe to you. I think you're just setting things up so that you can do things you want to do without me. But, we'll see."

I was satisfied with our discussion about the upcoming split and I felt somewhat better about it. I still had misgivings and I worried about what could happen but I decided that we had to do this now rather than let things deteriorate further. We could consider counseling if this worked and we decided to work for our marriage. This time alone would give us a clearer perspective. 

I went to bed rather early that evening since I had a long day ahead of me tomorrow. I had meetings all morning and into the afternoon and then I had a proposal to consider and decisions to make that might take me into the early evening. Then I had to move my stuff into my new room at the club and find some way to relax. At least, the day after that was Saturday and I could take the time to organize my new digs. 

I showered and got into bed prepared to read a while before trying to get to sleep. I had just settled into my book when Ellen came into my room. I expected her to work on her plans as she did almost every night but tonight she had other ideas. She told me to put the book down and make love to her. Well, that was certainly a welcome request and one that hadn't been forthcoming for more than three months. It had been that long since she wanted to make love.

She slid into the bed and moved over next to me. I put my arm around her and pulled her tightly against me and kissed her hair. I enjoyed having her body next to mine and I wanted to just enjoy it for a moment but she was not going to let me. She immediately reached for my soft penis and began to work it with her hand, sliding it up and down the shaft squeezing as she went. I knew from experience that she was fingering herself with the other hand. This was usual for her and it signaled her desire to get us both ready in as little time as possible. While I enjoyed the feeling she was creating in my now awakening cock, it still made me a little angry. She didn't want to make love: she wanted sex and she wanted it fast so it would take as little time as possible. This had been her way more and more and it felt more and more like a duty fuck. Well, not now and not with this separation idea of hers.

I reached down to take her hand and stop her ministrations. She looked up at me with anger.

"What are you doing? Don't you want to make love to me? Are you so anxious to be rid of me that you can't even take the time to make love with me?"

"You don't want to make love. This is what you've been doing for the past year or so. Just a quick fuck to get it over with. Do your duty and go to sleep. Well, not for me, thanks."

With that, I rolled off the bed and went back downstairs to the den. If I had to sleep there tonight, so be it. But after a few minutes, I realized she wasn't going to make an issue of it so I waited for another ten minutes or so and went back to the spare room. She had gone and the door to our bedroom was closed. I went in, closed my own door and slid back into bed. I tried to read but the tears kept interfering so I finally turned out the light and tried to fall asleep. I finally succeeded and woke the next morning, depressed but ready.

There were coffee and bagels when I went down to the kitchen the next morning. I had a big day planned and it was nice to start it off this way. Ellen seemed very happy for a change. Apparently the failure last night had made her happy with the fact that I was leaving today. I didn't say anything about it and we parted on fairly good terms. I wanted to get to work and begin my preparations for the move so I left as soon as I could.

I began my day early and was soon totally immersed in my meetings. The day went fairly quickly since I was involved almost continuously. I had no time to think of what was to come and no time to worry about it. I worked steadily until almost dinner time and since I didn't have to worry about going home, I decided to work on the proposal over a good meal in the club restaurant. I worked again until almost 8:00 that evening before getting one of the stewards to have one of the boys give me a hand getting my stuff up to my room. 

We got the bags successfully moved and I was left alone with my belongings and my new home, consisting of a small sitting room with a TV, a desk and a loveseat, a rather large bedroom with a double bed and a built in TV and a small desk with a reading lamp and the bathroom which was quite nice. All in all, it wasn't bad for a single guy. I spent the rest of the evening unpacking and hanging up my clothes and putting the rest of my stuff in the drawers and closets. I was done by 10:30 and decided to make a call to Ellen to give her my room number and my telephone number. That was per our agreement so the call was OK to make.

"Hi Ellen, it's me. I just finished unpacking and settling in and I have the contact information for you. Got a pen? OK, I'll wait. Good, the number is 555-6495 and I'm in room 3A. It's not bad. Actually, it's quite nice for a single guy."

"You're not a single guy and I don't expect you to act like one."

"Well, you know what I mean. It's just me here so it's like I was single. It's not like I can talk to you anytime or see you before bed or ask you questions about the kids and things."

"Yes, I know it's necessary but I don't have to like it. Maybe you do, but I don't."

That's when it started and I realized it almost immediately. I interrupted her to remind her that we had agreed not to do this and told her I was going to hang up. I did and almost broke down in tears then but squared my shoulders and made up my mind to go ahead with this plan. A plan that was looking more and more foolish by the minute. 

I settled in, took a shower and sat down to watch a little mindless entertainment. Mindless it was and entertainment it wasn't. I finally settled in with my book and fell asleep before finishing more than five pages. I slept the sleep of the just until the alarm woke me for the first full day of our separation. 

Over the next two weeks, I made most of the arrangements and transferred my responsibilities over to Jordan Collins who was taking my old job. Jordan was a good man and I had no hesitation to give him the files and such that he needed. He and I spent some time with Hugh Preston and we agreed on work priorities. We worked well together and things went according to plan. During this time, I called Ellen once or twice but actually I forgot on several occasions and by the time I remembered it was too late.


Consequences - Ellen



It was the third week of our trial separation when I got a call from Ellen wanting to meet me at the club to talk about something. I agreed of course, but began to have a bad feeling about what was coming. The only reason for us to talk was to discuss the conditions we had set up. There were only two where we would have to meet and talk: meeting or something more with another person. There was no other condition up for discussion. I had spent my time in working and preparing for the upcoming move and had no time for socializing. But that was part of the reason we were separating in the first place and I had begun to realize that by the end of the second week. It was something that I had been trying to decide how to change. I had no plan but it was too early to stop trying. So, this was her meeting and I would have to be patient till she told me.

We met that evening at the club in the dining room. Ellen and I had eaten here many times and she actually enjoyed it. There were always many wives in attendance and she knew several of them. Tonight was not one of those occasions so we were effectively alone. We just had coffee and dessert.

We talked about generalities for a while and then talked about the kids. She had spoken with both since we parted and she told me that she had given them the story that I had to work day and night on the presentation, one that I convinced her was keeping me so busy, so I was staying at the club. She gave them the room number and the phone number so they would know it was on the up and up. Clever plan, I remarked. We finished the dessert and pushed back from the table while the busboy cleaned up. Once we were alone, I pushed ahead.

"OK, what's up that you needed to talk to me? Got a boyfriend?"

Ellen's face showed surprise and embarrassment before she recovered. She just glared at me for a few seconds before attacking.

"No, I do not have a boyfriend. But I do have a friend that I wanted to talk to you about. He is one of the instructors at the Y and he is new to the area. He is quite a bit younger than you and me but he wanted to know if I could show him around the area and maybe show him some of the cheaper places to live. I agreed but told him I had to clear it with you first. So, of course it's not dating. It's just being a good neighbor to someone new to the area. Is that OK with you?"

I reflected on what she said. First, she said she had agreed. So much for the rules. 

"Well since you have already agreed to do it, why did you bother to tell me?"

That caught her by surprise. I don't think she had thought about it much. She just saw it as a cute guy and this was a way to see him without guilt. I watched her face as she struggled with my catching her in a slip.

"I don't mean I already agreed. I just meant that I thought it would be OK but I needed to clear it. That's what I'm doing now."

"Well, I think you already told him that it was OK, but let's ignore that for the time being. Since you let him know that we're separated, how do you think he'll see this? Does he know that it's not a date? Does he know that you're just friends?" 

I watched the familiar anger enter her face. This was another case where Ellen didn't have control and it made her furious.

"Of course he sees it that way. That's the way it is. There is no other way for him to take it. So, do you agree? Can I do this for him or are you going to say no?"

"Of course I'll say yes since you've already told him it's OK. I can't tell you what to do or not do. I don't have to like it. Even if I disagreed, it doesn't change anything. You'll do what you want to do. We've been married 23 years and in that time have I ever told you that you couldn't do something? Have I ever given you the impression that I was the boss and you were to do as you were told?" 

"Of course not. You've never been like that. But now I'm confused. You said the rules were that we had to agree before the other could do anything different. Are you saying that isn't right?"

"Yes, I'm saying that isn't right. What I said was that we were still married and that we needed to tell the other about certain things so there wouldn't be any chance for a misunderstanding or confusion. But I would never tell you not to do something you wanted to do, nor will I give you permission to do things that are wrong. Right or wrong it's up to you. It always has been." 

"Well, I'm still confused. I thought we had to agree if the other wanted to date or see someone or even to think about sex. Now you're telling me that isn't what you meant?" 

"I meant exactly what I said. We are separated but we are still married. If one of us chooses to do something that could be misunderstood or that we wouldn't do when we were together, we simply have to notify the other. That's what we agreed to. You are telling me you want to see this guy socially. That's all you have to do. I have no right to either agree or disagree. I don't own you and I don't give you orders. You do what you think is right. But if you break the vows of our marriage, that's different. Just remember that." 

"That's crazy. You and I are married. Why can't you tell me not to do something? Don't you have the right to do that? Don't I?"

"We have never done that in our 23 years so why would we start now? I have always lived by the simple rule that I wouldn't do anything alone that I wouldn't do if you were there."

I stopped and looked hard at her. It was important that she hear what I was going to say. It could make the difference between us staying together or ending our marriage. 

"I don't know what you are planning or thinking but if you have plans to do something that you think I might object to, you have to be very careful. Is that what you want to do? Is there more to this than a simple friend helping a friend?"

"No. I think this conversation is over. I have a lot to think about. I'll talk to you later. Don't call me for a day or so. And I think we need to agree right now to extend this separation for another month. I've told you that so it's done. As you say, you don't need to agree. Goodbye."

With that, Ellen stormed out of the club and I remained there getting slightly buzzed. I didn't like where this was going and I certainly didn't like what I heard tonight. But it was what I expected was going to happen. Ellen was feeling free and was testing her limits. Ellen wasn't good at limits. I knew that and she was heading for trouble. I had another drink and headed upstairs to my room. A big advantage to staying here was that I could always find my way home.

It was only a day later when I found myself without a critical file for one of my clients. I knew exactly where it was so I called Ellen at home and told her I needed to come by to pick it up. Without giving her time to start a fight, I told her it would only take me five minutes to find it and we set a time for later that evening. I was to be there at 7:30 and she would meet me there. 

I arrived right on time and parked my car in the driveway beside another car that I didn't recognize. She apparently had company and I thought this was her way of making sure we didn't have another disagreement. Well, fine by me. I guessed it was one of her girlfriends from the church. But no problem. I knocked on the door right at 7:30. Ellen let me in with a short invitation and I stepped into the foyer of my house for the first time in several weeks. Nothing had changed, but I don't know what I expected. What I wasn't expecting was what happened next.

Standing behind her in the entrance to the kitchen was a young man. He was tall, well built in the way of most young men and he was very nice looking. Light brown hair, deliberately unkempt with a two-day growth of beard. I think that was the causal look that these young punks adopted as cool. He had a smile on his face that looked anything but pleasant.

"Spencer, I want you to meet Walter Simpson. He is the new instructor that I told you about. Walter, this is my husband, Spencer Christian." 

I took the hand he held out to shake more in surprise than in any attempt to be civil. I just looked at him and his smiling face and I began to see red. I think I controlled it very well as I said something inane to him before turning to Ellen.

"Could I see you in the study for a minute while I get the file please? It's something we need to discuss." 

Without waiting for her response, I turned and walked quickly into the study. I stood by the door waiting as she followed me in. I shut the door and turned to look at her. I tried to calm myself down by breathing a couple of deep breaths. I felt my heart slow down and the rushing of blood to my face began to abate. During this time, Ellen just stood there looking at me in fear and surprise. I tried to speak with as much control as I could.

"What is he doing here in our home? I remember very clearly saying that there were to be no men in this house while we were separated. Do you remember that? Did you not remember that agreement? What the hell is he doing here?" 

As I spoke, my control disappeared. I was shouting and I'm sure he would hear every word but I didn't give a shit just then.

"I, I, I just wanted you to me . . . , meet him. That's all. I just invited him here so that you could meet him and see he was just a nice young man. That's all. Why are you so upset?" 

"How long has he been here? How long is he planning to stay? You broke our agreement and yes I am angry. I guess you're giving me your answer about our marriage. You're ready to move on without me and this is your way of telling me. I should have guessed when you asked me if you could start seeing him socially. Well, I guess I was the fool."

"Spenser, no! That's not true! I just forgot about not having men over. I don't think of Walter that way. I'm sorry. It was just a mistake and I'm sorry. I'll tell him right now to leave. He'll understand. Please, just wait till I tell him to go and we can talk."

I walked over to the desk, pulled out the drawer and removed the file I needed. I shut the drawer and walked past Ellen to the door. 

"I'm leaving now. You do whatever the hell it was you planned on doing. I'll call you tomorrow to discuss our next steps. Goodnight, and please make my apologies to Walter."

With that, I walked out of the study and directly to the front door. I was out before Walter even knew I was leaving. I never looked back. I got into my car and I drove for the next half hour not even thinking. Just driving and wondering. I was really hurt by her actions. More than I would have expected. But the more I thought about it the more I wondered why I was surprised. I had agreed to this. I was the one that thought that she would find out what it was like without me around. I was the one that expected her to come running back to me. Well, guess who got surprised?

It was well after midnight when I got back to my room at the club. Since I had no answering machine for the phone, I had no thought of messages. I never carried my cell phone when I wasn't working on a project since I wanted no phone calls on my private time. So, I had just walked in the room when the phone rang. Without thinking, I picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Spenser? My God where have you been? I've been trying to call you for the last hour. You left so suddenly that I didn't even get a chance to tell you how sorry I was that I forgot the rule. You know it wasn't intentional. I just wasn't thinking. Spencer please, talk to me."

"Goodnight Ellen. Please don't call me again tonight. My head is killing me and I need sleep. You've done enough to me for one night and I just want to go to sleep. Goodnight."

With that, I hung up and pulled the plug on the phone. Now I could sleep. 

I awoke the next morning with a far more calm feeling than I had for some time. I think I was beginning to believe that my marriage was over and that maybe it was a good thing. We had not been getting along for some time and this separation was supposed to give us both pause to consider our lives together and our marriage. It had done that for me. I wanted to continue with our marriage and I still loved Ellen with all my heart. I had no desire to be with anyone else and I never considered dating anyone. But it appeared that Ellen had taken this opportunity to see what was available to her. The story of being a good friend to Walter was a crock and we both knew it. Now, from her actions last night, it seems that she was ready to take the next step. Well, that was her decision and the consequences were clear to me.

I didn't go in to work that morning since I had a meeting with a client downtown and the club was closer. I dressed and went down for breakfast before heading out. As I was drinking my first cup of coffee, the concierge came over with a note for me from Ellen. It said she was waiting in the lobby of the club to talk to me and wanted me to come out to see her. Since she was not a member, she was not permitted in without an escort. I considered the note and finally decided to go out to see her. 

She was sitting in the lobby waiting for me. She was smartly dressed, I assumed for some meeting that she was going to. I walked over and stood in front of her. I said nothing.

"Good morning Spenser. I'm glad you agreed to speak to me. I tried to apologize last night but you wouldn't let me. I don't know why you were so angry over a simple mistake on my part. It was just that, you know. Walter didn't stay when you left and he had been there only a few minutes when you arrived. Nothing happened or was going to happen. You have to know that." 

I still didn't respond. I just waited. When she was trying to explain something and I didn't respond, she became angry with me. I knew that if I provoked her, she would say something without thinking and I might just get the truth. As I waited, she began to become agitated and her breathing increased. She was becoming uneasy.

"Nothing happened! It was a stupid mistake and I didn't even think about it. He was just there to meet you. That's all. Why are you being this way?"

"Because Ellen, you don't make stupid mistakes. You are way too smart for that. I think you had him there just so I would see him and you could shove him in my face. I think you're getting ready to make a move that you know I won't like and this is your way of doing it. Make me mad and then blame anything you do on me. That's what you've been doing now for the last year. Blame me. Well, you do what you want but you do it because you want to, not because I made you."

Ellen was furious. She was standing now and glaring at me. I knew the explosion was coming and I just waited. I was calm and controlled but she didn't know that and she was anything but.

"Well then, I'll follow the rules! I'm telling you now that Walter asked me to go to dinner and dancing with him and I'm going to accept. I want to tell you that I don't know where things will go from there but you have been told that I'll do whatever I want to do. That's what you said we should do. Whatever we want to. So, don't be surprised when something that you don't like happens." 

"Fine. You've told me. When is this date supposed to happen or has it already? Since he was there with you alone last night, I no longer expect you to be honest with me. You already broke the agreement once so I expect you'll do it again when it suits you." 

"Why do you care when I am supposed to be with him?"

"I have to leave for Atlanta by the end of this week and I just wanted to know when he was coming over again. Just in case. I wouldn't want to walk in on the two of you."

"Friday night and you can go to hell! He's picking me up at 7:30 so now you know." 

"So, you've already accepted? Then this visit wasn't to tell me what you wanted to do. It was just to let me know that you broke our rules again and to hell with our marriage. Well, thanks. I warned you of the consequences but you don't seem to care anymore. Now I know and I'll make arrangements. It appears our marriage is over."

With that, I spun around and walked away with her sputtering and yelling that she hadn't already accepted, but I went through the door into the dining room shutting off her tirade. I was heartbroken and I couldn't let her see that. She couldn't know how much she had hurt me. I stumbled into the dining room, tears clouding my vision. I stopped until I had some control back and finally went back to my table. I sat there lost and confused. I knew at that moment that my marriage was dead and the woman I loved had already made that real.

The concierge came over again to tell me that the woman wouldn't leave until I came back out to talk with her. I angrily told him to call the police if she wouldn't leave but to leave me alone. I refused to talk to her in the condition I was in. Maybe that was a mistake but I didn't care. I got up from the table, no longer hungry and went back up to my room. Once there, I sat quietly until I had myself under control and then went in to wash my face. I had things to do now and I wanted them finished before I left for Atlanta. I had put off making the trip until I was sure what I wanted to do. Ellen had made that decision for me. 

Since it was now Wednesday morning, I had at most two days to do some of the things I considered necessary. First, I went to meet the gentleman that I had called yesterday evening while I was driving around. He was someone I knew well and he could do a favor for me now. His name was Flynn Conner and he was an attorney. He and I had known each other for several years and I used him often in my business dealings. When I told him what I wanted, he was concerned but promised to have everything ready by Friday morning. I thanked him and left to make flight arrangements to Atlanta for Friday afternoon late. I wanted to be there as soon as I could. I had already cleared it with John Wilson. 

I called Atlanta and let them know my plans and let them set up my living arrangements. I also arranged for a car until I could either sell mine or have it moved. It was a Mercedes that I dearly loved but it could be replaced. Once that was done, I opened some new accounts in my name only and transferred some of our funds into those accounts, removing my name from our joint checking and savings accounts. I was careful to make less than a 50% transfer so that I could not be accused of trying to drain our resources. Finally, I cancelled all but my corporate credit cards. Since I was the principal on most of them, Ellen was going to get a major shock when hers were cancelled too. I knew she owned one in her name only so she wasn't left without reserves.

I left my phone unplugged that evening and my cell was still turned off. I had called my office and left word with them to call the club with any messages and I would call them back. I explained that I had been getting some crank calls so I wasn't answering my phone. I had already left word with the plant switchboard several weeks ago that I would not take any calls from my wife, and I had made it clear to my secretary that we were separated. She asked no questions and followed my orders. 

At 8:00 that evening, I remembered that I had to call Ellen to remind her that I was leaving for Atlanta on Friday and that I would need to come by to pick up some files. I decided to get it over with and called but got no answer. I didn't leave a message but as I thought about it, I wondered where she could be. She had no meeting that I knew about on Wednesdays so I decided to drive over to the house to see if she was home. I drove by the house and saw that the lights were off so I parked just down the street and decided to wait for a while to see if she came home. If she did, I could pick up the files right then and I wouldn't have to come back. 




Consequences - Ellen



It was only about ten minutes or so later that I saw a car pull into the drive and stop. Ellen got out of the passenger side and the man driving joined her. Together they walked up to the front door which Ellen opened and they both entered. I was taken by surprise. I never would have suspected Ellen of this. I thought about going inside to catch the two of them but stopped myself from doing that. Instead I just waited, then five minutes later, I decided to call Ellen with the excuse that I could come by to pick up something. 

"Hello? This is Ellen."

As she answered I could just hear her say something to someone else but since she had the mouthpiece covered I couldn't make out the words.

"Hello Ellen. It's me. Sounds like you're not alone?"

"Of course I'm alone. What do you want this late?"

"Are you sure you're alone. Are you telling me that you don't have a man sitting there in our house right now?"

There was silence on the other end for a second of two before she answered.

"Well, Walter is here but he just . . . "

I hung up without waiting for her answer. I turned off my cell and drove back to the club. I had all I needed.

That evening I again unplugged the phone and left my cell turned off. I didn't want to have a conversation with Ellen where she lied and I pretended to believe her. I was too sick at heart to allow her to do that to me. She had already taken my trust and trashed it and I wanted no more. 

Thursday was a down day and I just packed up my things and sent them on ahead to Atlanta in care of the plant. I would arrive before them but I had my travel bag with enough clothes to last a week. I could arrange to buy what I needed there until everything was transferred. I would have to make a stop at home one more time to arrange to have most of my things packed and delivered. I called a local mover and asked him to meet me there tomorrow afternoon at a time I knew Ellen would not be there. One of her meetings. After that, I spent the rest of the evening in a small sports bar just down the street. It was loud and friendly and just what I needed. I returned to the room relaxed and too tired to think. I slept soundly.

Friday was my final day here in Cleveland, and it couldn't end too soon for me. I was ready to leave and put this sorry time behind me. I had my bags sent to the airport and the rest picked up for delivery to Atlanta. I paid my bill at the club and thanked them for their courtesy and the trouble I had caused them. They were gracious but I knew they were glad to see me go. 

I picked up the items from Flynn just before lunch and he and I had a last drink together over a burger and fries. I promised to keep in touch and signed the papers he needed to allow him to act as my agent. He tucked them in his jacket pocket and promised not to use them unless I insisted. I stayed with him till it was time to meet the mover at my place.

The mover and I made short work of things by marking my items with red tape. Since I was taking none of the furniture and only a few of the desk items, it wouldn't take long to pack up and move. He would also pick up my car at the club for transport. He promised to complete the job the following Monday. That way I would have everything about five days later. I thanked him and left him a key. 

Now all I had to do was kill some time until I called Ellen just before 7:00. I wanted to be there just before her boyfriend arrived. She should be getting ready and I wanted to talk to her when she was disorganized and flustered. I was almost positive about divorcing Ellen but I still wanted to give it one last try. That would make my job easier. I went back to my sports bar and waited until it was time. I drank a couple of beers but not enough to cloud my mind. I finished with a quick dinner and coffee. It was now just about 6:30 and it would take me almost 20 minutes to get to my house. I decided to leave and make the drive.

At 6:50, I pulled up to the curb a block from my house. I turned on my cell phone and called home. Ellen answered, sounding out of breath. 

"Hello Ellen. It's me. I need to pick up some files in the study and I'll be there in ten minutes. Please leave the door unlocked if you have to leave."

"Spencer? Where are you? Why did you hang up on me the other night? You never give me a chance to tell you anything. God, you make me feel so guilty for doing nothing. And why do you have to come here now? You know I'm getting ready for my evening with Walter."

She sounded smug and self-satisfied but I expected that. Actually it made what I was doing that much easier. I answered with the same casual voice.

"I told you I was leaving for Atlanta this evening and I need those files. It will only take me five minutes so I'll be gone before your boyfriend gets there. That is if he's not already there?"

"He's not my boyfriend and he's not here. Well, make it quick because it would be very uncomfortable if both of you were here."

"Not to worry. I'll be long gone and you won't have to worry about me any more."

I hung up quickly and drove to the house, getting there within five minutes. I grabbed the briefcase on the seat beside me and went in the side door. It was unlocked and I didn't see Ellen anywhere. I heard water running upstairs and assumed she was in the bathroom getting ready for her lover. I went into the study to get the files I had set out earlier when I was there. I gathered them together and took them out to the kitchen table where I set them down. I waited until I heard Ellen coming down the stairs and then I made motions as if I was putting them in my briefcase when Ellen came into the room.

"Well, you must have been outside when you called. You certainly got here quick enough. Did you get all you wanted?"

I looked at her as she stood watching me. The look on her face was a 'damn you' look. She was in her robe with her hair already done and her makeup on. She was still beautiful and I felt my heart lurch in my chest. God, how I loved this woman. But I didn't know whether she knew how much she had hurt me already. I believed that she did and that she had done it on purpose. Well, now it was my turn.

"You look very nice tonight. I see you have on those pearls that I always liked."

As I spoke, I moved toward her. She smiled as I complimented her and she raised one hand to her necklace as I mentioned it. I stopped and quickly reached out to release the belt of her robe and pulled it open. She slapped my hand and grabbed the robe tightly together but not before I had seen the black lace bra and panties she was wearing. The sight was like a slap in the face and I know I almost lost it then and there, but I didn't. I couldn't stop the tears that clouded my vision and I wiped my hand across my face in frustration. I hadn't wanted her to see me this way.

"Well, I see that you've made your decision. That's the set that Mary and I bought you for our anniversary isn't it? You said they were too provocative and sexy to wear for anyone but me. Actually, you never did wear them for me did you? But now you're wearing them for him?"

Ellen saw the tears and it shook her for the first time. She seemed to be trying to convince herself that it was not what she was doing that caused them. She attacked as she usually did.

"You're crazy. I just put these on since I wanted something nice to wear. These are not for him. You're trying to make me look like something I'm not."

Seeing her this way made me want nothing more than to hurt her the way she had hurt me. I would never have believed it unless I saw it with my own eyes. She had every intention of having sex with Walter tonight. She planned it and she was going through with it. There was no longer any doubt. Even through the pain that now threatened to undo me, I would do what I had come to do.

"I'm sorry to say that I no longer know just what you are Ellen. But now, I have something to tell you and I'll make it quick. I don't want to be here when your lover arrives either. First, John offered me a job in Atlanta and I've accepted it. It's Managing Director of Operations, Southern Region. It reports directly to John and I start Monday. I'm leaving tonight and I won't be coming back."

I stopped to allow her to accept this first bit of news.

"Spence, that's wonderful. I'm so . . . What do you mean you're not coming back?"

I just kept on talking, giving her no answer or time to think.

"This happened over a month ago but I didn't tell you since that was the day you raised hell because there was no bonus. You attacked me and gave me no time to explain. You called me names and belittled me. Then, you asked for this separation and from then on you never asked me why I was spending so much time here at the home office. It was clear to me that you no longer cared."

"That's not true. Of course I care. I just didn't . . ."

"No, you don't care and you haven't cared for some time. You only care about you and your needs. The hell with me unless I brought in more money. All you could do was bitch about everything I did or said. The last year with you has been nothing but a continuous bitch session and I'm sick of it."

I was angry and becoming more so as the fact of her intentions sank in.

"When we set up this trial separation, I told you we were still married and that we needed some rules. You agreed but then you broke those rules several times by having your boyfriend over into our home and making plans without notice. I also told you that we needed to think about our marriage and what we wanted after the separation. I decided early on what I wanted, but you decided you wanted to 'date' again and your actions tell me very clearly what you decided. So, I'll make it easy on you."

I had made up my mind now and in anger I pulled a folder out of my briefcase and threw it in front of Ellen. It slid across the table and fell to the floor in front of her. She looked at it and then at me.

"What is this and what do you mean I decided? I haven't decided anything yet and neither have you. We haven't even talked about it yet. And I told you that I made a mistake. I didn't break the rules on purpose. You know that. We need to talk about everything. It's different now that you have a new job. We . . . "

Again I interrupted her. She didn't see what she was doing and what it was doing to me, but I did.

"You decided that you wanted to see Walter socially and you told me you were going out on a date with him tonight and that you would see what happened after that. I see the way you're dressed and that tells me exactly what you planned on happening. Your intentions are very clear. You're dressed to be fucked. But then maybe you've already fucked him here in the house when he was here before."

Ellen's reaction was immediate and intense. She paled, her legs buckled on her and she sat down hard on the kitchen chair behind her, but it didn't take more than a second before the old Ellen appeared and her anger took over. I watched her face bunch in fury as she prepared to blast me again as she always did. But now I was furious and I attacked first.

"Your actions and your words tell me you want to explore other men and other options. Well, I don't and I won't accept that behavior from you. We are married and married women don't date other men, and they don't fuck other men and I would never agree to that. I told you that unless we wanted a legal separation, our marriage was still in effect. I told you that over and over but you didn't listen. I warned you several times about consequences and you still didn't listen. So, I had these prepared and I've signed them. They're divorce papers. I will not allow you to do this to me while we're still married, so it ends now. Flynn Conner has my power of attorney and he will act for me. You'll have to get your own attorney to protect your own interests but I have been as fair as I know how. Now, you can fuck your boyfriend without any guilt."

Ellen was staring at me with her eyes wide and her mouth working but without being able to form words. She was taken completely by surprise and that is exactly what I was counting on. Surprise was my only weapon when dealing with Ellen. When she was taken by surprise, she lost it for a time. It would take her several tries to make sense and I took that opportunity to close my briefcase and leave by the side door. I went directly to my car, started it and backed out before she could get to the door. I pulled away just as she came out of the garage yelling at me. 

I drove my car back to the club and parked it there for the mover to pick up. I called a cab to take me to the airport and I was airborne less than 90 minutes later. I was on my way to my new job without my wife and with my personal life in a mess. I knew that I should have stayed and worked it out with Ellen. We could have made things a lot easier if we had just gone in together to sign all the papers and make all the arrangements. But my anger wouldn't allow me to face that prospect so I let Flynn Conner do all of the dirty work. He was good and he was fair and he would do right by me. I trusted him a hell of a lot more than I trusted my own wife. 

I landed in Atlanta and made my way to the car rental booth. Once I had my car, my luggage was ready and I was on my way to my new apartment. It was one of those furnished places that guys like me on business used when they were not sure how long they were going to be in temporary housing. My plan was to begin looking for a place as soon as I could find the time. Maybe I would just drive around the area this weekend to see what it was like. I really needed a realtor but I thought it was too early. This place should work for a while since it was not too far from the plant and I was ready to get a fresh start Monday morning. Things were beginning to look better already. 

I had given my location to no one except John Wilson and Mark Todd. Both could reach me but no one else. I wanted it that way. I wanted time alone to think and plan for my new future. I needed to call Mary and Martin and let them know how to reach me and maybe to prepare them for what was coming between their mother and me. I hated to do it but they needed to know. 

So the next morning, my first morning in Atlanta, I called Mary. She was always ready to come to my defense in almost anything and I wanted to give her the word myself. I trusted her to keep any confidences I shared with her.

I called, hoping she would be in on and was pleased when she answered.

"Hi honey, it's dad. I'm calling from Atlanta and I wanted to give you my number here and to let you know what's happening. But first, how are you doing? And why is a beautiful girl like you home on a Friday night?"

"Dad! What's going on with you and mom. She called here just about an hour ago asking me if I knew where you were. She sounded frantic. What did you do?"

"She knows I'm here in Atlanta. She doesn't have my number but that's because I didn't give it to her. I don't want her to have it. If I give it to you, you have to promise not to share it with her. Will you do that?"

"Dad, come on! It's mom. She's your wife and has been for the last 23 years. Why can't she talk to you? What's up. Did you guys do something stupid to each other?"

"Mary, it's between your mother and me. I don't want to get into it with you. Just know that I want it this way. We are actually separated and it was a mutual agreement between us. It's not legal but it is just as real."

Mary wanted to get into it and find out what and why but I wouldn't do that. She finally gave up and promised not to share the number with Ellen. I gave it to her and then asked her to call Marty and tell him what I had told her. She agreed to do that but said she wanted to know more as soon as I could tell her anything. We talked a little more and then I hung up, feeling as though I had just been hit by a truck. I was exhausted and alone and I was just beginning to understand what that meant. I didn't like it and I was not looking forward to more of the same. 

The weekend passed with no further stress. I stocked up on groceries and beer and soft drinks and I was up and ready early Monday morning. I left for the plant and my meeting with Mark Todd. He and I knew each other and had worked together on several big jobs but it had been some time since I had seen him. We spent a good morning just catching up and talking about what the situation was there in Atlanta. We went out to some of the sites and I spoke with most of the general contractors and the site foremen and I felt it had been a productive day. We spent the afternoon setting up my office and getting my files ready. Mark had assigned me a secretary and an aide until I could pick my own. I met both and was satisfied. It seemed as though this part of my life was under tight control. 

Mark had me over for dinner and I spent a pleasant evening at his home with his lovely wife Alice. They had been married for more than 35 years and they seemed well suited to each other. I watched them together and it was hard. I couldn't help but go back to my life with Ellen no more than two years ago. We were like them then, but over the last year Ellen had changed and I didn't know why. But whatever the reason, we had lost what we shared for all those years. I pulled myself together and made my excuses for an early evening and left to go back to the apartment before I lost it. 

When I got back to my apartment, I was surprised to find a message light blinking on the phone. Apparently there was a voice mail system that I wasn't even aware of. I lifted the phone and it asked for a password. I had no idea so I just hung up and looked around for something that seemed to be a password or a key or something. I finally found an instruction form in the drawer under the phone, and it said the password was the last four digits of my phone number. I tried it and this time it worked. 

"Spencer, this is John Wilson. I hope you've settled in and found your way around. I called earlier but you didn't answer. I gathered that you were out with Mark in the field so I waited until later to call you. This is not business, it is personal. What's going on with you and Ellen? She came to see me today and she was quite concerned that you had not given her a way to contact you. She only knew that you were in Atlanta but she seemed to not know much else. I don't know what is going on Spencer but I do wish you would talk to her and straighten it out. I like both of you and I don't want to see anything happen to your marriage. Not at this time when you are beginning a very important time in your life and my business. You will need someone like Ellen by your side when you begin to start entertaining some of the more important and influential people in Atlanta. That is a very important part of your new job. I told her the same thing so please Spencer, take care of your home life before it impacts negatively on your professional life. I hope I make myself clear. And by the way, I will help in any way I can. Good luck."

So Ellen had gone to John to find out where I was and how to contact me? More likely she had gone to John's wife Stacy who she knew from her church committees. She had mentioned once that she met her and didn't think much of her. Well, she must have been desperate to contact Stacy. Whatever, it pissed me off since she had no right to go to my boss, especially at this time in my career. If she wasn't careful, she could screw up her alimony payments. If I got fired, she would be out on her ass with nothing. 

I sat there for some time trying to decide what to do. I had to contact Ellen just to make her back off. I could call Flynn Conner but that would take time to find some way to make her leave me alone. There was no help for it but to call her. I got a beer, I laid out some snacks to soak up the alcohol and drank a couple more to gain some liquid courage. I was slightly buzzed but still sober when I called. 




Consequences - Ellen



"Hello? Who is this please?"

"It's me. The guy whose boss you had to call to try to get me in trouble. Why in the hell did you do that? Are you trying to get me fired the first day on the job? Don't you know that you're messing with your future alimony?"

"Spencer please. I was going crazy not knowing where you were. You left before we had a chance to talk about anything. You didn't give me a chance to explain."

"Shut the fuck up about explaining. I knew exactly what you were going to do and so did you. There was nothing to explain. You were going to fuck him and we both know it. So again, why in the hell are you calling my boss?"

Spencer, you have it all wrong. I was only trying to make you jealous. I wasn't going to do . . ."

"Ellen, I'm going to hang up now. You can't stop lying, or else you're kidding yourself. This marriage has been in trouble for some time and now we both know why. You wanted more than I was giving you and you found a way to go out and get it. Well, count me out. I want no part of it and I want no part of you. Leave me alone, understand?"

"No Spencer. I'm not going to leave you alone. I don't care what you think and I won't go away without a fight. I said it once and I'll say it again. You're wrong about me."

"Goodbye Ellen. Don't call me again."

With that I hung up. She didn't know where I was staying and all she had now was my phone number so I pulled the phone plug out of the wall. That should let me in the clear for a while. I had to get things going here and I needed the time alone to do that. I decided to call Flynn tomorrow and ask him to start proceedings and see if he could expedite them. And maybe a restraining order on Ellen? Worth thinking about.

So, first thing the next day I called Flynn and told him to get the ball rolling. I wanted out and I wanted it as soon as he could get it done. He told me he had filed the papers on Monday as we agreed but that it would take at least 180 days, even with a no fault divorce. If Ellen didn't cooperate, it could take longer. But he was on it. I mentioned a restraining order but he just laughed and said to forget it. 

I was able to get a lot done in the next three days. I met with all of the construction engineers, most of the subcontractors, I spent time with the planners and the architects and we set up and vetted several of the project timeliness. I was in my element and things went well. I plugged the phone in long enough in the evening to check for messages and just erased those from Ellen. Time passed and things got better. 

I was usually so tired in the evenings that I fell asleep without trouble and without dreams and I believed my life was on track again. Tomorrow was Friday and I was meeting with a realtor that evening after work. It was time for me to look for somewhere permanent. I had no thoughts but that would be more of an advantage than anything else. 

It was just after 7:30 the following evening when the realtor finally left. He had shown me a number of properties that he thought I would like and we had made some plans to see a couple of them tomorrow. There was one I really liked that was sort of modern and sat up on a small rise overlooking a scenic valley. It was within my price range and I thought it might just be perfect. It had a pool and a separate building in the back for a shop or hobby site and the owners were anxious to sell. Maybe I would get lucky and find a place early. Since it was just me, I could decide on site. With that thought, I kicked off my shoes and relaxed for the first time in a hectic week. Things might just be OK after all. I hadn't felt the pain now for almost three days. Just an occasional twinge when I least expected it. I could live with that.

The phone messages from Ellen had finally stopped but still, I slept poorly that night. I guess things had quieted down and now that I had time to think and reflect on my future, it didn't look quite as rosy as it did last night. I was alone. No other way to put it. After 23 years of sharing my life with another person, I was alone. The person I had planned on sharing the rest of my life with was gone. And she left tearing my heart out with her actions. I couldn't get over the fact that she had done so much to hurt me after we had shared so much together. Why did she hate me that much? I still had no idea. 

My dreams kept me awake most of the night and I finally fell asleep just as the sun began to rise. I gave up just after dawn and got up to fix some coffee and toast. My stomach was one big puddle of acid and I had a headache the size of Texas. I ate the toast, drank the coffee and went in to stand under the shower for an hour. It was almost noon when I felt the first stirrings of normalcy. I finally dressed in shorts and a muscle shirt and went out to run at the park near by. I needed to burn off some of this tension and this ennui. I had to forget.

I did five miles just to punish myself, cooled down with a cold drink picked up from a vendor and walked the short walk home. I stopped to admire the setting and the park layout and spent some time just watching the people. I was beat but feeling much better about everything. It was true that exercise freed the mind.

My apartment was on the second floor and I climbed the steps up to the second level. I had a private balcony in the back but the front door was off an open air hall that ran the length of the complex. There were several stairways along the hall leading both down and up and I took the one closest to my apartment. I used my key and unlocked the door. Just as I pushed the door open to go in, I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. I turned to see what it was and saw her standing there. Ellen.

Without a word, she moved past me and walked into my apartment through the open door. I just stood there stupidly, trying to understand how she could be here and in my apartment. Nothing I could think of made any sense. She didn't know I was living here. Only two people knew that. Did she go to John again after I asked her not to? She must have. Damn it! I moved in and slammed the door behind me. 

"Why are you here and how did you find me? Did you go back to John again after I asked you not too? Damn it Ellen, are you so determined to hurt me? Is this just another way? What more do you want? You took my heart and you threw it out like trash. You broke our wedding vows and now you're trying to ruin my professional life. What the hell did I ever do to you to make you hate me this much?"

Ellen just sat there, watching me with tears streaming down her face. She hadn't said a word since she came in. She listened quietly as I railed at her but still said nothing. I was at a loss as to what to do next. I had no idea. I just sat down and held my head, dreading the headache that had now come crashing back with a vengeance. I decided that I was getting nowhere this way so I decided to take a different tact. I would just calm down and treat this like any other problem at work. First I would gather as much information as I could.

"OK then. Ellen, why are you here?"

She looked at me and decided to answer this question.

"Because this is where I belong. I'm your wife and this is my place, beside you."

Talk about hypocrisy. This was more than I could stand. I lost my new found cool and began to laugh. I thought that was the most absurd statement I had ever heard. I laughed until tears were streaming down my face. I actually felt a little better after that.

"That's really funny, coming from you. A wife has no business going out on dates with other men. She has no business inviting men into our home when I'm not there. She has no business fucking other men. That's not a wife, that's a slut."

I thought this would push her over the edge into the shouting angry shrew she had become over the last year. I waited for the outburst and then we could get on with the nasty business of divorce. Instead, she simply nodded her head up and down.

"I deserve that. I made some very serious mistakes and I don't know why. That's something that I have to discover and I intend to do just that. I'll look for a good psychiatrist once we find a place to live."

"Are you crazy or just stupid? Do you actually think I would continue to stay married to you now that you have been with another man? Now that you have betrayed me? Maybe you think it's over now and that you can just go on as if nothing had happened. It did and I can't forgive it. We're through! Get that through your head."

Again, I waited for the explosion but it didn't come. What did I have to do to make her see what she had done and why I couldn't forgive?

"I am probably a little crazy to have done the things I did but I'm not stupid. I know that you couldn't forgive me sleeping with another man and I didn't. You may not believe me but it's true. When you left that night, leaving the divorce papers and forcing me to see what I had planned, I finally hit bottom. I walked upstairs to our bedroom and looked at myself in the mirror. You were right. What I saw in the mirror shamed me. I looked like the slut you accused me of being. I had intended to let Walter have me that night: I was going to fuck another man. The proof was there in the mirror in front of me. I saw it and it suddenly slapped me right in the face."

She passed a hand in front of her eyes and tried to wipe the tears from her face. She looked around for a towel or a tissue and without thinking I rose and brought back a hand towel. She took it gratefully and I returned to my seat on the couch. I waited. 

"I realized then that I had crossed a line that I should never have been close to in the first place, and it scared me to death. My mind was a mess and I couldn't think rationally, but somehow, I knew that if I let Walter into the house he was going to take everything away from me. I would lose it all if he got in the house. I ran downstairs and locked the doors and turned out all the lights. I went back upstairs, turned out those lights then sat there in the dark, shaking. I heard the door bell ring several times but I didn't answer it or make a sound. It must have been five or more minutes: he continued to ring the bell. I just sat there quiet until Walter finally left. Still I waited, afraid to go back downstairs. I don't know what I was thinking at that point. Actually, I don't think I was thinking. I just sat there in the dark and waited." 

Ellen had seemed to calm down a little. I was more pleased than I thought possible to know that she hadn't gone through with her intentions. 

"I must have fallen asleep on the bed since the next thing I remember is waking up the next morning with the sun coming in the windows. I hadn't drawn the blinds. I had slept for more than twelve hours straight. But at least I knew that I hadn't done what I had planned the night before. Your actions had forced me to confront myself and to look at what I had become. I didn't recognize myself anymore. I was ashamed at what I had become. You called me a shrew and you were right. I hadn't been myself for over a year and I had been drifting without direction all that time. As a result, I made some stupid decisions and it almost cost me everything."

So far, I had to admit that I was surprised by what she told me. I had no idea she realized she had changed that much even though I was on the receiving end of her actions. I knew that she had been lost when the two children left the nest for college but I didn't see the changes that were occurring. Part of that was my concentration on my job at the exclusion of my home life and the other part was withdrawal when she began to make more demands on me and my time. I just backed away and forced her to involve herself in activities outside the home and away from me. But that was only part of it. What else drove her I didn't know.

"When I asked you for a trial separation, I knew that you would still be there. You weren't at home but you were always just a phone call away. I still had you in my life. There was no real threat to my life then and I wanted to do something to make you feel the loss of our life like I did. I wanted you to see what it was like to live alone, separated from your children and your spouse. That's how I felt. I think it's what they call separation anxiety. I was alone for the first time in more than twenty years. Everyone had something to do but me. You were at work and the kids were at college and I was home alone. I know that none of that was actually real. It was a symbol of what I was feeling. I know that now."

Now she looked directly at me and her eyes were wet and red but her gaze was clear and calm. I waited for her to finish.

"When you left me, I suddenly understood what it was like to be really alone and it terrified me. Not the being alone part, but being without you. Suddenly you weren't there and I didn't know how to find you. I was truly alone and you were gone from my life so completely. No phone call, no visit, nothing. I called everyone, even Mary and Martin but they wouldn't tell me where you were or how to get in touch with you. I called your office and no one there would tell me how to reach you. I tried everyone, feeling more and more alone as I failed to find you. I almost gave up but then I gave it one last try by calling Stacy Wilson. Even though I didn't like her, I was desperate enough to try her and she said she would get me in to see her husband. I spoke with John and told him a little and I guess it worked since you called the next day."

"But I still don't know how you found me. Did John tell you where I was?"

"No. When you called, the caller ID stored your number in memory. After you hung up, and you were so cruel to me I was devastated and I was ready to accept that you and I were through until I remembered the called log. I wrote down the number and called Angie Peterson. You remember her? Her husband is a cop and I asked her to find out from him the address of the phone number. It cost me several hours of begging and pleading and yelling but she finally agreed to nag him until he got it for me. That's how I found you and that's how I came to be here."

She shrugged her shoulders and hung her head.

"I had to come here and tell you everything. I had to make sure that even if you kicked me out for good, you knew that I hadn't betrayed our marriage. I had to be sure you knew that. It was important to me that you know that at least."

I have to admit it was quite a story. She had learned the lesson I wanted her to but not the way I expected. She had to hit bottom before she saw it.

"Now that you've found me, what's changed that would make our life any better here than it was? I still have to work, the kids are still gone and nothing else has changed except the location. Why would it be any different now? You were willing to cheat on me, you made my life hell without ever giving me an explanation or a chance to make it different and you were the one that wanted a separation, a time away from me. I don't see why it would be any different in the future. I'm not going to quit my job. I might actually be working harder and longer than I was."

She raised her head and looked at me with a serious expression. She seemed more sure of herself now.

"The difference is me, not anything or anyone else. I am the one that finally realized that I need help and I need to find my way back. It isn't going to be easy and I have a lot of work ahead of me but I want to try and make it work. I want to make my life better but I want to do it with you, not without you. Without you, I have no life. I discovered that when you walked away. I know now what I'll lose if I don't change."

Now she got up and came to me to take my hands in hers. She looked deep in my eyes as she finished.

"My future is in your hands. If you let me stay and if you help me, I can be the wife you want and need. I can be who I was before, maybe even better now. But if you turn me away, I don't know what I will do. I just know I don't want to find out."

I looked deep into her eyes to try to find the truth. What I saw there convinced me that it was worth the try.

"The realtor has some houses to show us tomorrow. I think you'll like the one I picked out."

"I'm sure I will."

As she closed her eyes and said a prayer of thanks to God for giving her one more chance, Ellen knew the choice to consider a separation with her husband had been hers, and it was the wrong one. At the time she knew that, but continued anyway. The path she had been on was one filled with danger, and she never thought of the consequences. Thankfully, Spencer stopped her before it was too late. 

Consequences are a bitch!